#yes I named him that like a menace - nerd names for the shadows

[zerogravityinq]

I got some but I don't use them much.

Batman: Big Bat, DaddyBats (mocking, usually used by Joker), Hospital Bill (specifically during his Jason is Dead/right before Tim came along Era), punchy asshole, Bat Fridge (because he's build like a fucking refrigerator)

Batwoman: Gun Bat, LesBat, G.I.Bat, Military Bat, Kiss of Death, A Bat for the Lesbians, Batman: Lesbian Pride Edition, her pronouns are Eats/Box

Batgirl (Babs): Ginger Bat, Battygirl, The Girl Wonder, TechBat

Nightwing: prettybird, pettybird, the Flip Menace, AcroBat, Smile Bat, Cheeks )for the one on his face AND backside)

Black Bat/Orphan: Shadow, Shadow Bat, Batman's shadow, creeping dread, quiet bat, silent night, girl Batman (not the same as Batwoman or Batgirl somehow like literal Batman with tits)

Red Hood: the other gun Bat, Crime Lord Bat, Duffle Bag Man (we all know why 👀), The Girls Favorite Bat (and by Girls I mean sex workers), Dead Robin (only when they are 100% sure Jason doesn't hear them), Crime Alley Batman

Spoiler: Narrows (they picked this up from Jason who calls her that), Purple, Brick Bat (Tim hates this one), Blondie, Blond Bat, Plank Bat (Steph hates this one. They really called her flat chested lmao)

Bluebird: Narrows the remix, blue moon bat (because she is rare and Blue), the other blue bat, tech bat, mech bat (because she is the mechanics type person as far as I got), gadget bat

Red Robin; YUM (said in the same tune as the Red Robin restaurant jingle)(yes Tim hates this one too), detective Robin, nerd Robin, Tony Hawk Robin (because he uses his skateboard sometimes and the arm/knee pads), tism rizzim Robin (because of him dating a lot of girls and a dude and his clear and obvious autism), bi icon Robin, Rich boy Robin (because he has a clear upper crust accent unlike the rest and this is before Damian came)

Signal: daywalked, Meta Robin, litebrite, highlighter, Black Robin (Damian is POC not black, not the same thing), nite light

Robin (Damian): Stabby Robin, sword Robin, cat Robin, animal lover Robin, tiny Robin, Shakespeare Robin, Malfoy Robin (if the Harry Potter franchise exist in this universe, they are basically calling him Draco Malfoy), Draw Blood Robin, Batman Spawn, Batman's kid Robin, Brown Robin, The Little Asshole (they saw him cut Tim's line that one time)

Bonus

Azareal: Angel (because they can't pronounce his name), Angel Batman, Paladin Batman, that Righteous Fuck

Dick!Batman: smiley Batman, Robin leash, Nightwing cosplaying Batman, Batpun, Batflip

I need help T-T I'm trying to figure out names for criminals to call the batfamily because they're so scared of them , j already have an idea of what I'm going to call Bruce but I have no idea what I'm going to do for the others.

Like Batgirl, Robin all that stuff only civilians call them that criminals call them by other names.

(does this make any sense?)

Just so I can provide my assumptions for this ask: it's the name the villains call the Batfam that are not their superhero names and are mildly threatening.

I do like Batman getting Vengeance as another title. It's got drama and it's pretty catchy.

I'd say that a few of them probably just get called by their superhero names like Red Hood, Nightwing, I think for the most part anyone in the Robin costume gets Robin. None of that Red Robin, blonde Robin. All Robin.

Spoiler probably gets blondie (I swear to God I've seen that somewhere). Cass definitely gets more epithets. The quiet one (idk I watch way too many horror movies) (also I don't buy that bad guys necessarily keep up with all her titles or that she makes a big deal out of telling them). And Dami as the shortest would get something similar, like Little Guy (mildly ironic, deeply serious tone).

In my soul, I don't think people keep track of the Signal (unless they're fans or civilians). Gotham bad guys are coming up with something better... unlike me, who has woken up in the middle of the day and isn't functioning.

When I can think of something that isn't Rubber Ducky related I'll get back to you. This answer was all over the place but I hope it helped somewhat!

[askhubertvonvestra]

Lord Vestra, you often speak of your bond with Her Majesty Edelgard. But what about the previous emperor, Ionius the IXth? Given what happened between your father and Her father, I imagine that your relationship with Emperor Ionius was quite... complex. Did you two ever get closure on the regrettable incidents which occured on the Insurrection of the Seven?

I... do, yes. What we share is a significant aspect of my life.

Emperor Ionius IX, may he find rest with our victory, withdrew into himself after the incident that led to so many tragedies for House Hresvelg. Prior to that, I was welcome at the table to eat with the royal family and often present in their measured free time. With them gone, well, we had no reason to see one another. I suspect even the sight of me was enough to cause pain, particularly as I grew and began... to have more of a resemblance.

I cannot say he blamed me, exactly, although he had every right to. It merely weighed on him to see me alone as a reminder of all that had gone wrong in his attempt to diminish the nobility's power.

By the time Lady Edelgard returned to the Empire, all of his children were in the clutches of Those Who Slither in the Dark. He knew I was able to see them as often as those twisted creatures allowed, and I made a habit of checking with him before a visit where I was able. Whether it was a concealed gift or a message, His Majesty always had some manner of kindness to extend to his children.

We never spoke outside of those moments. It wasn't personal. As I mentioned, there were myriad reasons why he kept his distance, and I respected that.

[I'm gonna chime in here to say I think Ionius IX knew Hubert blamed himself, but he was so mired in grief... What could he say?? If it hadn't been his family, I think he could have helped Hubert. But it was and that's a lot for anyone to carry, so he just wasn't in any shape mentally to comfort Hubert. But Hubert does tend to read into these things and see his own self-loathing, oof.]

[tossawary]

Chapter 25: “Home Sweet Home” of “pride is not the word I’m looking for” quotes and commentary. Not a full list of favorite quotes or full commentary. 

-

 Anyway, Shang Qinghua makes himself  so fucking sincerely annoying that the Huan Hua Palace Sect cultivators can’t figure out how to politely tell him to fuck off fast enough. Shang Qinghua makes outlandish assumptions about how many thieves there are (at least a dozen, he’s sure, probably twice that) and what methods they might be using (special invisibility talismans, he suspects); Shang Qinghua repeatedly apologizes for being too busy with important things for Cultivator O.B.B. at the last Immortal Alliance Conference, then tries to commiserate with the man about having to get important things done without getting any respect for it; Shang Qinghua also anxiously wonders if they should all go to Zhao Hua Temple Sect to report what happened here, since there’s a troublesome demon and also some sneaky rogue cultivator thieves on the loose out here! He gets turned down immediately, but assures everyone that he’ll at least let Yue Qingyuan know everything that happened here right away! 

 Liu Qingge pretty much just stands there scowling silently the entire time - he’s no Shen Qingqiu for sheer menacing  "I can and I will ruin your entire life"  glares, but he’s still pretty intimidating. He does a great job! No notes! 

 Shang Qinghua nearly pats himself on the back as he and Liu Qingge leave less than an hour after he arrives.  “Holy shit, I’m good,”  he thinks, a little giddy with the successful extraction.  “That’s a skill that good ol’ Liu-Shidi will never have!” 

 -

AN: Of course this has a high chance of backfiring. Is Shang Qinghua going to weave webs of lies anyway? Of course. 

Love the fact that Shang Qinghua can shamelessly act like a total pushover, while actually manipulating someone so that he gets the results he wanted. Some snobby sect leader walks into a negotiation room, prepared to use SQH as a doormat, and Shang Qinghua is probably internally like, “Bro, me and my jelly spine welcome you to hell.” 

- 

 He gives them the rundown on what happened, but, to his complete lack of surprise, that doesn’t seem to satisfy interrogators like his little sister-in-law and his fellow transmigrator. They have so many questions! And Shang Qinghua doesn’t have enough answers for them! 

 No, he doesn’t know what Huan Hua Palace Sect knows or thinks they know. No, he doesn’t know how they knew about that place. No, he doesn’t know whether the monster was just a local opportunist preying on distracted cultivators or something more sinister. No, he’s not experimenting with the creepy special item or discussing it at length here. No, Luo Fanli and Peerless Cucumber are not allowed to poke at the creepy special item! 

 Why the fuck would he ever let them do that?! 

 All Shang Qinghua knows is that Luo Fanli and Peerless Cucumber should eat their vegetables and then go to bed! Because they all have a long journey back to the sect in the morning! And also that words cannot describe how painfully old he feels as soon as he says this. 

-

AN: I’ve been thinking about a Demon Trio fanfic in which Mobei-Jun finds himself in a similar position with Luo Binghe and Sha Hualing. 

Mobei-Jun and Shang Qinghua are, like, bare minimum twice the age of Luo Binghe and Shen Yuan. Like, yes, neither Mobei-Jun nor Shang Qinghua are old old by the standard of the PIDW world. Yes, MBJ and SQH are stunted as all get out. But the fact that they have bare minimum 2x the life experience as Bingqiu is, in my opinion, funny as hell and severely underused in fanfiction. 

Like, imagine Mobei-Jun unintentionally dadding new demon LBH in SVSSS. Mobei-Jun being like, “Don’t eat the meat from this monster. It makes you hallucinate.” Or being like, “These people aren’t politically important enough to be shown this kind of respect. Look down on them properly and go sleep, or no one will ever respect you again in demon politics.” 

MBJ looking at SVSSS LBH and SHL like, “Damn, who raised you?” 

Because, like, I love to joke about Mobei-Jun being an oblivious fool, but that’s in regards to human culture. Mobei-Jun operating on demonic culture + his level of arrogance in regards to how he’s handling SQH suggests that MBJ can be politically savvy among demons when he wants to be. Also, the mental picture of MBJ being like, “Eat your weird demon vegetables, there’s nothing wrong with them, you picky half-breed brat,” is extremely funny. 

I’ll probably turn this into a separate post. 

- 

Shang Qinghua does  not  miss the man’s unconcealed  “oh, great, some of my favorite problem people are back, probably with bad news”  expression when they arrive. The man is not at all impressed to hear about the drugged-up Shadow Cave Wolf Spiders or the evil, murderous, madness-inducing plant they fought on their mission, but the Qian Cao Peak Lord is reluctantly, partially placated by the jar of three-eyed skeleton tears Shang Qinghua super thoughtfully brought back for his inspection. Mu Qingfang really likes his research projects! 

 Shang Qinghua lets himself feel kind of good about this gift - he’s the man who gets things and gets things done - and ignores the Weeper’s Eye whispering in his head,  “He has resigned himself to the untimely deaths of everyone he knows.” 

 (Wow. Oh, Shang Qinghua knows that feeling!) 

-

AN: Mu Qingfang doesn’t think that everyone around him is inevitably going to die, he’s just extremely aware of how dangerous the world is and how reckless cultivators can be. Also, for many years, he was fairly certain that Liu Qingge and Shen Qingqiu were headed for bad ends. 

This felt like a good place to insert some optimism back into the sect in general. Luo Fanli has been cured and is willingly going to visit her sister, Liu Qingge has got a hold on his self-destructive tendencies, Mu Qingfang thinks things are getting better, Shen Qingqiu’s health problems have been essentially fixed, Qijiu might actually work their shit out, Shen Yuan shares his real name with Shang Qinghua, and so on and so forth. 

It felt like a good contrast with and buildup towards Luo Binghe’s Skinner mistake (not everything is rosy yet, there are still growing problems), the secret basement, and the encounter with Bing-Ge. 

Only to flip that around and then bring some surprise Moshang into things! 

- 

“I have now been informed that, after learning that you had returned and, at the very least, completing the duties that were intended to have him reflect on his actions, he has disappeared yet again,” Shen Qingqiu continues. “This second disappearance has set some of the other junior disciples into a renewed panic, which has concerned some of the senior disciples, which was, apparently, cause to alert me.”   

 “Ah,” Shang Qinghua says. 

-

AN: Shen Jiu should not be in charge of a bunch of children, but it is funny to imagine him going through the same “be a less shit person” adoption process as Shang Qinghua. Like, oh, it would be so easy for him to be cruel about this situation, but fuck you if he’s going to be outdone in the recovery and redemption process by Shang Qinghua of all people. 

Shang Qinghua: *grows into a kind of decent person* 

Shen Jiu: “Fuck you. That’s not allowed.” 

Shen Jiu: “...” 

Shen Jiu: “Well, if THAT FUCKER of all people can do it...” 

- 

 Shang Qinghua doesn’t have to look long or far to find his nephew. He finds the young protagonist sitting despondently on the doorstep of his own Leisure House, sniffling into his sleeve. Peerless Cucumber of all people is sitting beside him and keeping him company. 

  “Focusing on other people’s lives is easier than looking at his own.” 

 “-think a drowning man first has to save himself… or else he’s only going to bring down the people he’s trying to save,” Peerless Cucumber is saying. 

 Binghe nods. 

- 

AN: Going by, like, the everything of SVSSS, Shen Yuan really is the asshole going, “I’ll die before I look inwards to recognize and deal with my own emotions.” Also, going, “Yes, I’m a hypocrite who won’t take my own advice. And what about it?” What a repressed nerd. 

- 

 Shang Qinghua clears his throat to get their attention. Both kids (well, teenager and young adult, but still...  kids)  look up and then stand up quickly. Luo Binghe takes a forgetful step forward, before he wobbles into an appropriate respectful bow instead. 

 “Shang-Shishu!” 

  “How dearly this boy is loved!”  the Weeper’s Eye declares, in its soft way inside Shang Qinghua’s head.  “More than life itself! More than death itself!” 

 “Ah, never mind all that,” Shang Qinghua says, and steps forward to wrap his nephew in a quick hug instead, keeping the creepy talking eye oriented away from his nephew. “You’re a little too late to talk to me about your mission before your shizun did.” 

 Binghe, who was just relaxing into the unexpected hug, freezes. 

 Shang Qinghua knowingly pats the poor young protagonist on the back.

  “Oh, shit” is right! 

- 

AN: Uncle Shang really is adorable. Still kind of knocks me for a loop writing it, though, given that the SVSSS SQH and LBH relationship is... nothing like this whatsoever. Look upon the field of SQH and LBH content and see that it is relatively barren except for the stubborn motherfuckers with excellent taste in character exploration. 

-

  “Ahhh, well, I’ll be there too for this potential family reunion, bro,” Shang Qinghua assures him. “Maybe we can finally get to the bottom of where this ‘Shen Yuan’ name came from.” 

 Peerless Cucumber makes a strange expression. 

 “What?” 

 “...It’s my name.” 

 “What?” Shang Qinghua repeats. 

 “It’s my name,” Peerless Cucumber says again, quietly. “It’s my real name.” 

 “Oh.” 

  “Huh,” Shang Qinghua thinks, having been operating on the assumption that the System made the name up for its mysterious backstory. Well, that gives new dimensions to Peerless Cucumber’s criticism of the scum villain! 

 “You can use it,” Peerless Cucumber says, with an air of determined nonchalance. “Everyone else is doing it.” 

 “Ah, alright. Thanks.” 

- 

AN: This is probably the part where I would have made Shang Qinghua reveal his original name in turn... IF HE HAD ONE. It drives me... kind of wild that we get the Airplane Extras and we STILL don’t get 1) Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky’s original name, and 2) MOBEI-JUN’s name. 

Which actually makes things a little more interesting here, in my opinion, even though not having those names gets a little frustrating in terms of fanfiction writing. With Mobei-Jun, you get to explore the fucked up possibilities of him not having a name outside of his identity as the future Northern King. With Shang Qinghua, you get to explore him being a squirrelly little fuck who refuses to let anyone into his life. 

So, because we don’t have Airplane’s name, we actually get this mildly interesting dynamic in which Shang Qinghua doesn’t even really think to reveal it to Shen Yuan. We don’t see this part, but Shen Yuan is actually a little miffed by this degree of secrecy, which is going to come up later. (Shen Yuan doesn’t like the fact that Shang Qinghua has as much power over him as he does.) 

I personally do not hold the headcanon that Airplane’s name was “Shang Qinghua”. It’s a little too on the nose for me. At that point, the only reaction to transmigrating into SQH kind of has to be, “Ah, well, I was asking for that!” Maybe Airplane projected his worst qualities onto Shang Qinghua, but I don’t think he went so far as to give the character his own name. 

Airplane’s main identity when he died appears to have been Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky, and we know that he wasn’t particularly close to his divorced parents and any step- or half-siblings. So, the only names that are really relevant post-transmigration are “Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky” and “Shang Qinghua”. By the time that SY gets here, he’s firmly entrenched in those identities, and his original name is completely irrelevant. I could honestly believe that Airplane just doesn’t think it matters anymore. 

- 

 Shang Qinghua’s nephew, in the way of a true young protagonist or  fucking cannon fodder, got the bright fucking idea to slip away to speak with the concubine called Butterfly privately. 

 “I thought: what if she didn’t want to speak in front of that lecherous old man? What if she wanted to get away from him?” Binghe confesses. 

 “She was the demon,” Shang Qinghua guesses. 

 Binghe nods, voice breaking. “It was…  I was  really,  really stupid, Uncle.” 

 “Well, at least you know that,” Shang Qinghua sighs, and pats his sniffly nephew on the back again. 

 Oh, he can see why Shen Qingqiu was  pissed the fuck off now. Shang Qinghua kind of wants to start yelling! Or maybe just screaming, coherently or otherwise! 

 Except yelling isn’t going to help much right now. 

 Shang Qinghua listens as Luo Binghe recounts being captured by the demon and then waking up bound by Immortal Binding Cables - of being so terrified that he could barely breathe with it. His only hope was Ning Yingying and Ming Fan tattling on his disappearance and a senior disciple tracking him down on time. The skinner demon apparently nearly killed Binghe, crooning over his young and beautiful skin, except a flash of warm light intervened and dropped an unstable part of the ceiling in on them before they could hurt the captured protagonist. 

 “Fu-Shijie and Shizun arrived after that and k-killed it,” Binghe says. “Uncle, it was all  stupid luck!  Shizun said I should have been dead and that, between my efforts and the demon’s, he had no idea how I wasn't! And he was right! It was  so close! If the ceiling hadn’t fallen in like that-! Fu-Shijie suggested the ropes might be faulty and it could have been an unconscious use of spiritual energy, but I didn’t do anything! It wasn’t me!” 

 It  sounds like the System to Shang Qinghua, intervening again at a crucial moment to prevent the premature death of the protagonist. Just thinking about how close his nephew came to dying without him knowing is nearly enough to inspire a cold sweat! Shang Qinghua can’t speak about the System, so all he can really do is keep hugging! Keep holding on for dear life and saying soothing nothings to his crying nephew! 

- 

AN: I wanted to include the Skinner mission, but I didn’t want to redo it onscreen because that’s been done in many fanfictions before and I felt that there was really no good reason for Shang Qinghua to be a part of it. The reason I wanted to include it is to show how the plot is off the track of the SVSSS (and PIDW) stories, with the changed LBH and the changed Original SQQ. 

LBH wants to be a hero, but he’s not there yet. 

- 

 “...Don’t put yourself above him… or below him. Tell him what you want and listen to what he wants, and don’t be surprised if things don’t change all at once,” Shang Qinghua advises and, at Yue Qingyuan’s look, quickly raises his hands. “Ahhh, not my business, I know! Not my business! I just… I hope it works out! I hope you two get something better out of this mess! Aha, make the sect meetings a little less awkward and… things.” 

  “He has never known what better looks like. He will always be Yue Qi, the slave boy. No matter what he does.” 

 “...Thank you,” Yue Qingyuan says finally, thoughtfully. “I appreciate your… restraint in this matter… in recent months.” 

 Aha, yikes. 

-

AN: I know that some people wanted more stomping on Yue Qingyuan, but... like... this man is as or nearly as traumatized as Shen Qingqiu. His childhood fucking sucked. He broke his own soul trying to save Shen Jiu and failed. He made some shit decisions where Shen Qingqiu was concerned, but the logic and trauma he’s operating on are pretty obvious. He was trying. 

Part of the theme around the Qijiu and Moshang arcs has also been “an eye for an eye”. Like, are you guys really going to keep on not communicating with each other and then fucking up and then taking chunks out of each other? How many misunderstandings and upset over misunderstandings are you going to throw at each other? Where do you put your foot down and say, “I don’t want to live like this forever. We can be better than this. I want better than this.” 

Like, it can’t just be hurting each other back and forth (this applies to Qijiu more than Moshang, in which MBJ definitely carries the weight of this fuck-up). It can’t just be privately nursing hurt feelings forever. The options here are “fix it” or “live like this forever”. Fixing it won’t happen immediately, but the other option fucking sucks, so every little step helps. 

So Shang Qinghua here is just like, “Bro, I’m tired. My anger has cooled a lot. I just want all our lives to suck less. I hope things work out for you.” 

[mythrilhusk]

!!Kill Techno-Sensei!! - Chapter One

Dream SMP x Assassination Classroom AU. Quackity-centric. No ships. 

Words: 1850 Chapter Two (Next) AO3 Version

ALL characters are based off of the Dream SMP characters, Not the content creators (some people are left out due to this, since they have no perceivable RP character). This was a lot of fun to write, and I hope y’all enjoy.

Content warnings: violence, panic attacks/anxiety, death mention, swearing (lots)

CHAPTER ONE (Kill A Little Time):

"Ten billion dollars??" Sapnap's amazed cry startles Quackity out of his tired stupor. Connor and Foolish crowd around Sapnap's desk, babbling with excitement. 

"What the fuck are you on about?" Quackity grumbles, but he can't help peeking over Sapnap's shoulder. The creased document seems to be a bunch of lousy legal drivel. 

"Big Q, the price on this guy's head! We'd be set for life!" 

Quackity makes a grabby gesture, and Sapnap gives the papers to him. His little gang of three-- (missing Karl, since the bastard had to get himself transferred to a different class)-- gathers around him as he flips through them.

That man’s face-- printed in thick, bold strokes on the third page-- clamps a vise around his throat, so tight it constricts the scream he wants to let out. He takes a deep breath. Holds it. Lets it out slowly. "This fucker??" He tosses the papers away dismissively. "He'll be dead in a day with that bounty." Foolish and Connor scramble to snatch the papers, vying for the prestige of being the first to share with the whole class. 

Sapnap, sweet Sapnap, leans over and murmurs worriedly, "You okay, Big Q?" 

"Fuck, I'm great!" Hysteria bites in Quackity's laugh. "Fucking hell, I'm- I'm- I'm abso-fucking-lutely screwed." 

"Why?" 

"Why?? That's- you know who that is!!" Quackity cries, not caring that the attention of his peers is being drawn to his outburst, like moths to fire, or like vultures to roadkill. 

"Yeah, but- yeah, he'll be dead in a day." Sapnap lets Quackity squeeze his hand. "You'll be fine. And if he dares to come anywhere near you, the Ducklings have your back." 

Quackity shudders. The thought of his friends going up against the dark shadow from his past fills him with terror. The terror fills him with helpless weakness. Which in turn feeds the vitriolic bitterness rooted deep inside his veins. "N-no, Sapnap. If he comes near, you run." 

"Who teh fock are you runnin' from? I wouldn't run. I'd stand there, and I'd fight it. I'd beat the shit outta it!" Tommy puffs his chest out as he stomps to his desk beside Quackity's, a sunny ray of cheering bravado. "All the ladies, all the ladies say, there goes a man who beats the shit outta what- whatever bothers him." 

Quackity laughs, burying the fear and acidic rage. "Aww, Big T, you'd fight a thousand armies for me?" 

"What?? No, I'd die." Tommy states.  

"You're a good man, Tomathy." 

"No man is good, Big Q. No man is good." 

The other students have all seated themselves in their assigned desks. There's a new teacher this year. Quackity wishes he'd had time to set up a few more pranks than horseradish sauce in the hand lotion dispenser and whoopee cushions on the teacher's chair. But he's not bad at improvising. 

The door opens, and the principal of the school strides in, her fluffy rainbow hair bouncing with every step. "All rise and bow for Captain Pussy!!" Tommy cries. Quackity busts a lung, he's laughing so hard. 

"T-Tommy, that's- that's not very nice, Tommy." Captain Puffy frowns, tapping her five-inch heels on the grimy linoleum. 

"Oh, right. Sorry, Captain." Tommy accepts the reproach with equanimity. "Fucking cold out, am I right, boys?" 

"And girl!!" Rose cries from the front of the class. 

"Yes, well, I was talking to mah boys." Tommy retorts with exaggerated stiffness. 

"Fucking shut up and let the goddamned principal speak!" Quackity cries upon regaining his breath from guffawing. He smiles at Sapnap. The worrywart smiles back gratefully. 

"Uh. Thank you, Quackity." Puffy sighs, looking downcast. "I'm sorry, kids. I tried to keep our school out of this. But Skeppy had- uh. The Prezz called in a few favors." 

"What's going on?" Tommy asks without raising his hand, because he's just that much of a rebel. 

Quackity's neck itches as though he's- being hunted again- no, no, that would never happen here, he's just a regular kid, in a regular school, no war criminals nearby.

But Puffy calls uncertainly to the door, "Mr. Blade?" And Quackity's heart leaps into his throat, choking him with the pounding thump-thump-thump so familiar to prey. 

"Yup." Technoblade's low, dry voice resonates through the numbly silent classroom. His shadow darkens the door. 

Quackity reaches for Sapnap's hand and squeezes tight. "No-no-no-no-" Sapnap squeezes back, fury beating in his firm pulse. Quackity takes a deep breath. Holds it. Lets it out. His friend is furious for his sake. 

Technoblade's clicking steps are the only sound in the quiet, other than Quackity's racing heartbeat. Quackity refuses to look away from Sapnap's hand, refuses to look up at the man who slaughtered his family without a single qualm. 

"I guess I'm your teacher or somethin'." A farting noise rips through the tense stillness. Quackity muffles a hysterical giggle; somebody sat on a whoopee cushion. "What a bunch of nerds." Techno's words are lightly spoken, suffocating Quackity with the terrible normalcy of it all. 

"Are you the Mr. Blade??" Of all people who could've spoken, it just has to be Tommy, doesn't it. 

"I am. Apparently." 

"Well, then. I'm going to fockin' beat the shit outta you." Tommy's voice is bright and clear, filled with brave anger. 

"K." Technoblade answers laconically, seemingly apathetic, but Quackity knows better. The fucking asshole is just restraining delight at yet another bloody massacre to feed his God with. 

"No." Quackity snarls, surprising himself with the loud intensity of his own voice. "Tommy, you're not fighting him." 

"But, Big Q-" 

"Let me handle this." Quackity flashes a grim smile to Tommy, then glares up at Captain Puffy. "Why are you letting a fucking war criminal teach highschoolers??" 

"I've renounced my violent ways, Quackity." Technoblade's calm retort chills him. "But I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for your government." Anyone else would miss the slight emphasis. Not Quackity. 

"It's not my fucking government. You killed my government, you killed them all!"

"I did what I had to do. For the greater good." 

"Um." Captain Puffy raises a hand. "Excuse me. Yes, all of you. Please calm down. We have insurance that makes it impossible for Technoblade to harm any of you-" 

"A hostage, you mean." Rage flickers beneath Technoblade's calm tone.   

A vengeful grin cracks across Quackity's dour face. "Oh... Techno, we're going to have so much fun." He dares to turn his gaze on the muzzled murderer. 

The man is smaller than he remembered. Paler. Thinner. His silky platinum hair cascades over his shoulders, braided haphazardly, with hints of pink dye streaking the tips. Technoblade doesn't smile, doesn't make any perceivable expression at all. Quackity stares him down, shooting every drop of vitriol he can muster. 

Technoblade winces, almost imperceptibly, and breaks eye contact. Battle won. A surge of euphoric power floods Quackity with confidence. "Yo, I'm going to fucking kill you." 

"You can try." Technoblade smiles. 

"You're just a human, Technoblade. Terrifying? Yeah, sure. But your days are fucking numbered and I'm the one who's going to take your goddamn life." 

"Uh, actually." Puffy interrupts again. "That's the thing." 

"What is??" 

"You're all going to have to try your best to kill him before the year is out." Puffy says in a rush.  

Quackity scoffs, but before he can say anything, Techno raises a hand. "See, there's the catch, Quackity." His form glitches. "I'm not actually a Human." 

Quackity gulps down his apprehension as the piggy monster in Technoblade's chair stares him down. "What are you, then??" 

"I dunno. Maybe I'll think of a name before my tragic end." 

Puffy sighs. "Drama kings. Okay, big guy, I'm going to, uhh, yeah, I have work to do. Y'all have fun." She leaves the stricken class with the monster. 

Technoblade scratches at the horny protusions wrapping around his head like a crown. The glowing irises inside his black sclera dance around the classroom, landing on each student before leaping away again. His pig-muzzle  wrinkles. Tusks curl out from his jaws. The blood-red cloak pinned around his shoulders hides most of his bulk. If he was scary before, he's fucking terrifying now.

"A fucking pig-man?? That's what you are??" 

"Eh." Technoblade grunts noncommittally. "You should see the other guys." 

Quackity frowns. "Why us?" 

"Huh?"

"Why does the government want us to kill you??" 

"Because I told them I wouldn't let myself be killed unless they let me teach a class." Technoblade the pig-monster smiles reminiscingly. "And then I killed my captors to prove the point. The Prezz thinks he can keep me under control because I wouldn't dare hurt a child... his words, not mine." His eyes twinkle. "I'm perfectly fine with dropkicking kids, particularly if it's in self-defense." 

Gulping, Quackity shrinks a bit in his chair. Against his will, the years-old wild laughter of the bloody former-human rings through his head once more. He'll never be rid of the ecstatic sound, never be rid of the dread that poisoned his veins as he hid while Technoblade obliterated his home. Blood for the Blood God... His breath comes short and fast. 

Sapnap squeezes his hand comfortingly. The fire blazing in his best friend's eyes tells Quackity that Sapnap won't just step aside and let Technoblade hurt him again. 

"That's focken cruel!" Tommy pipes up. "You're a focken menace, yeah. Boys, I say we take him down before anyone gets hurt." 

"You can try." 

Tommy snatches the shank slipped to him by Tubbo. "You're going down, you are!" 

Quackity stands up hastily and holds Tommy back before he can storm up to the implacable monster. "Big T, sit the fuck down, you're just going to get hurt." 

"I'll decide who gets hurt, thanks." Tommy retorts. "Techno, you're not going to hurt my friends." 

"See, Tommy, I can't really do that anyway." Technoblade growls. "But if I could, do you really think that measly pin could take me down?" 

"We'll focken see!!" Tommy rips himself from Quackity's grasp and leaps froggy-like over Hannah's desk. 

Quackity can only watch in horror as Technoblade doesn't even to bother standing up. The monster deflects Tommy's first wild slash. "Tommy, that's a piercing weapon." 

"I fuckin' know that, I'm trying to shank you with it!" 

"Tommy, you're doing it wrong." Technoblade sighs, starting to sound exasperated as Tommy fails swing after swing. 

"Tell me how to kill you, then!" 

"You can't." Technoblade spreads his arms. "Go ahead, try." 

Quackity gasps with delight as Tommy stabs the shank into Technoblade's chest. But Tommy screeches and lets go of the shank. The metal boils and melts into Technoblade's skin. 

"Wh-what the hell??" Tubbo leaps up and drags the stunned Tommy back to his desk. 

"The fuck was that??" Quackity cries, desperate to regain some semblance of control. 

"That? Merely a side effect." 

"Of what??" 

"Of being the first Mutant Earth has ever seen." Technoblade smiles unpleasantly. "And the last to ever exist. Make no mistake. If I'm not killed by this time next year, I will destroy this world."

==Please reblog and like if you enjoyed!! Thank you!!== 

Chapter Two (Next)

[gayhomominecraftmen]

before we begin just know that all characters are exactly that, characters, not cc’s

Ok I can’t fit this all into one reblog because it’s so long and I have more that will get added at some point so to the 7 people that likes this thank you I will not shut up now <3

FYI some of this may not align with your beliefs about Minecraft community and will be missing many communities such as the DSMP etc, but that’s because quite frankly I didn’t want to. Anyway just wanted to say that. You are welcome to ask questions. My ask box is always open. Now let's get started.

TW for shitty grammar but I don’t care

Beginning:

Ok so in the beginning there was Aphmau SMP, and to break it down they are all Primordials, sure you’ve heard myths about gods but the tales pale in comparison to reality. In reality there are nine constant members on Aphmau SMP that I know of and eight primordials, let me explain:

of course you first off have the leader and the “head honcho” Aphmau or her primordial name (yes that’s a thing mortals knowing actual names is no good) “Irene”. Irene is the primordial force of creation and hope, the epitome of determination, and bringer of justice. Irene’s abilities are powerful and correlate to her mystreet character, she can bend reality to create what she wants, influence comes easy, and she holds the complete title of supreme judge in the celestial court. (Yes there’s a court I really like trials sue me) Aphmau’s weapon of choice is a diamond sword but ✨fancy✨. Her powers also connect directly to her brother, yes brother. BECAUSE THAT’S RIGHT GUESS WHO’S NEXT???

Ein, or rather “Escalante” (hah) is the Primordial force of chaos and destruction, he is a silly guy, most of the time. His abilities also reflect his mystreet character due to the fact that when I was younger and watched mystreet I was a fucking nerd and liked Ein so yeah. Basically he can do what Aphmau does except opposite, max power could obliterate universes with a blink (literally anything you could think of that could cause mayhem boat stack trap, skulk sensors, tnt, creepers, command blocks, bedrock, literally anything), instills distrust and chaos (think Mystreet season 4), and just being a fucking menace, his weapon of choice is a sharpness 2000 gold hoe because I think I’m funny. Bro created the deep dark. Also he is gay, daddy issues, and much ADHD. Try me. Speaking of, let's talk about his husband, because I said so.

Okay before you yell at me, Pierce and Ein is a ship that goes so hard. That is all. Anyway, Pierce or “Shadow” is the Primordial force of the sea, fortune, and mythical beasts. I know it’s kind of strange but hear me out, how fucking awesome would it be to see pierce riding a unicorn? And by the way those sheep he keeps by his house are mythical totally, 100% magic im gaslighting you into believing me. Anyway he is based in part off of his MID(My inner demons) character but mostly just in his skill set, the rest is just silly block man who helps blow people up. His weapon of choice is a spear because I want it to be and I think it’s cool. his abilities are things like manipulating water and sea creatures to a terrifying degree, being Batman levels of rich, and his ability to converse, create, and befriend any and all mythical creatures. He should have a farm honestly, Ein doesn’t let him keep all the animals he brings home like a Disney princess. Anyway speaking of MID, the next person is ofc

Noi or rather “Nio” I’m so creative I know, but I genuinely think this is something he would do. Anywizzle, Noi is the Primordial force of luck, flight, and agriculture, man is farm life. He could win a fight on luck alone and barely do anything honestly, he is him, that guy, the cookie man. Agriculture is a big part of survival and he basically can control if a civilization dies or not because if he gets upset enough he could cause a famine. He’s happy a lot because anything less would hurt people’s livelihood. (Haha slapping trauma on this bitch.) he can fix and give wings to any he chooses.  his choice of weapon is a sickle because haha symbolism. Also founded the watchers and listeners. Did this because he wanted to have eyes and ears watching the wellbeing of servers but they went rogue. His character is partially based off of his MID character but again it’s mainly skill the other half is just a guy obsessed with cookies and baking. he is also I’ve decided Aro/Ace because fuck canon that’s why this is an AU. He is in a qpr with the one and onlyyyyy 

Mac or rather “anchez” (see? Anything shortened looks cool) another Aromantic because i wanna. She’s also not a primordial… kinda? Okay so basically I’m Mystreet there is a ghost named Evelyn that possesses a character kim(aka Mac) but this is my AU and since Mac and Kim are two different ppl, they come together sapphire and ruby style to create the Primordial Evelyn, the force of everything death. Yes this includes death metal because I thought it’d be funny. Anyway the abilities are split between the two when they aren’t merged which is pretty much anytime they don’t need to keep up appearances. Basically with abilities like resurrection they each have a job, kim finds the soil wherever it may be and brings it to the body, and Mac coaxes them back and does the fun sparkle magic thing to bring them back to life. She (Evelyn) also has the ability to raise ghosts and manipulate them to her whim. Choice of weapon is a scythe. Haha grim reaper. Anyway you want to know who I headcanon as Mac and Kim’s brother? That’s right its-

Zane or “Ro'meave” is the Primordial force of curiosity, innovation, and science. Bro created experimentation, he is not beating those mad scientist allegations. Character is based off of his Mystreet character and his clinically insane experiments on the SMP (I’m looking at you baby potion) he founded the council of admins (literally like the celestial court but for less important issues/the IRS of Minecraft) he maintains multiversal code and lives with a virus he utilizes in battle. Red stone is his jam and command blocks make him cry with excitement, in short he is a huge nerd. Weapon of choice is literally the entire US artillery in Minecraft but he also uses vines from the previously mentioned plant virus. (Hint: it’s the same virus that Riice was given on Kaboodle SMP for my fellow enjoyers.) now onto his wonderful girlfriend,

Kawaii-Chan or “Nana” (yes I know technically that’s her real name but again this is an AU and it sounds better.) KC is the primordial force of life, perfection and motivation. She is a healer and can instantly do insane healing with a few uttered words (only thing she can’t heal is wings, that’s Noi’s thing), she can create any potion (even ones that don’t exist), she can’t miss a single shot (her weapon of choice is a longbow) and is generally perfect at most skills and talents, though some things are subjective, she can manipulate people's desires, and finally she literally can fucking blood bend. You’re going to tell me that the person saving your life can’t just as easily take it away by overclotting or whatever the fuck it is that blood does? No. Her character is based off of her Mystreet character mostly though so while she can be a bit stalker esc, chances are you won’t die unless you piss her off. and finally we have the myth, the legend, the furry, 

Aaron or “Lycan” is the Primordial force of war, wilderness, and loyalty. He is the husband of Aphmau and a complete simp. His capabilities lie in flames and fighting, he can manipulate fire in a way that can be comfortable or harmful depending on if your name is Ein or not. He also has control over all nature animals but is prominently known for using wolves. (Yes he is a furry, no he will not admit it.) above all he has the ability to create or sever bonds between people, he could make them the strongest friends across the multiverse in one moment and have them at each other's throats trying to kill each other the next, Ein constantly tries to convince him to make more wars so he can blow shit up without repercussions. It does not end well. He is based off of his Mystreet character and his weapon of choice is also a diamond sword.

What the hell is an incarnate?

Incarnates are beings chosen by the primordials to carry out their virtues across their universe, each is chosen at birth but never told because they(primordials) like watching them(incarnates) figure it out, but it’s not always so fun. So you must be wondering, who are these chosen few and why are they only on three universes? The answer to the second one is simple, because I said so. And the answer to the other one is not so easy so lets dive in on who they are, why I picked them, and their tragic backstory. 

Disclaimer, some of these are chosen because of vibes so if you think there is someone better fit well- whatever let me live my daydream, (but please tell me who) also no one dies this is a semi-fix it because I feel bad for them :) death does not have to be permanent because Evelyn exists.

Empires SMP(specifically season 1)/ HermitCraft SMP (yes they are the same universe.)

Scott/escalante: Ok I know it feels strange to have picked probably one of the angstiest characters for this but hear me out. You already know his tragic backstory i'm sure, dead parents, evil brother, slightly suicidal, but listen. Scott is a form of controlled chaos. He will do what he wants when he wants to and he will look good doing it. Think about his ice, it can make cool ass things, orrr could massacre a kingdom. Weapon of choice as you know is a magic rune sword. Plus he has ✨issues✨. Also I think he is protective of things like his lover and his brother (like Ein) and because I said so I believe Ein trained Aeor and Exor, saw Scott and was like “how royally can I fuck with him?” And so he decided to choose him instead of his brother for Aeor. Does that make sense? Am I understandable? Idk lets move on. 

Jimmy/shadow: this is another hear me out moment, first off his ability to manipulate water works with his empire (“but wouldn’t that work better for Lizzie?” No shut up, I have other plans for her.) also I thought it would be hilarious if the primordial force of fortunes chose the poorest emperor to incarnate. Choice of weapon is a spear (i'm so creative I know). His tragic backstory traces all the way back to that’s right, EVO SMP :). When Grian got taken the watchers kept their promise that they wouldn’t hurt anyone… for a while. The watchers disassembled the server leaving a few inside, pearl, Martyn, BigB, and Jimmy. The listeners “turned” Martyn and Jimmy and Pearl and BigB got taken during the life games. Jimmy’s transition from normal person to Listener was painful and literal torture and he’s terrified of being alone now :) any way let's look at more.

Joel/Lycan: dude this start with Joel having an ungodly amount of wolves in the life games? Yes, yes it did. Joel is to Lycan for many reasons, the first being because it’s season 1 he lives in the mesa, the mesa is dry and hot, perfect for accidental fires right? Gee I wonder what his backstory is… also I take a lot of inspiration for him from life series and how he’s constantly alone in them, he’s always an antagonist and a menace on red. He’s also crazy. I'm right, don't fight me on this. Anyway he’s also hella loyal to Lizzie and I find it funny that the guy with no friends has the primordial force of loyalty behind him. Who’s ready for trauma? Because he’s so harmful as a red he isolates himself a lot from allies because he’s terrified of harming people. That rage is meant for chickens and horses. Mr. Mezalea uses a giant war hammer as a main weapon because he’s tiny and compensating. He is literally fire boy and Lizzie is water girl omg. 

Lizzie/Irene: ok I have stuff to back this up. Maybe you think she should be shadow but here’s why Irene fits better. So let's first talk about how she created an entire civilization in an impossible biome??? Wonder where she got the determination. She created lilypad islands with locals, she became a seemingly extinct hybrid, pretty normal tragic backstory you know? Dead parents, accidental amnesia, massacre of her home (coral reef) normal things. We already know her chosen weapon is a trident. Also she has a good moral compass, helping those she felt needed it and being a badass while doing it. She is in fact Joel’s therapist, fight me. Moving on,

Fwhip/Ro’meave: the admin, is anyone surprised? You shouldn’t be. First off, have you seen his whole aesthetic???? Bro is a walking invention dispenser. Curiosity and impulse are the only things that occur in his mind. Bro is a nepo baby on the admin council frrr. I mean sure he can get turned around with the wrong groups (fucking salmon man) but overall he just wants to pick things apart to see what makes it tick. No he does not get along with scott why would you ask? Main weapon is, yes, his inventions. And tragic backstory is easy enough, he’s from the stone(now crystal) cliffs but him and Gem had guess what? ✨shitty parentsss✨ that’s right, transphobic bitches are not allowed in the Grimlands. Besides all that he is extremely loyal to his sister Gem and his brother sausage. Next,

Gem/Evelyn: ok first of all you cannot tell me to my face that Gem didn’t study necromancy, that’s just something she would do. (Source: trust me bro) same backstory as her brother except she was of course the “helpless princess” in the eyes of her parents, on another note, bigots aren’t allowed in the Crystal cliffs. She studied magic to spite her parents and brought the kingdom from a small area to the entire mountainscape + the academy. Alright back to Evelyn, first off that is totally how she discovered she was an incarnate was through research. And also she is really bad at confrontation most of the time so she’s constantly to be on both sides, (kinda unrelated but needed to be said) anyway I just think it’d be neat so yeah, main weapon is spells and ghosts because how badass would it be to watch gem manipulate ghosts???? Like hello???????????????? Alright next up is 

Pearl/Noi: I’m not sure how much explanation this one needs really, I mean have you taken a single glance at Gilded Hethalania? Pretty sure that checks that off the list. I mean she literally grew a fucking beanstalk. No normal person could grow it, that's why sausage gave it to her. (Kinda shush), second being able to heal wings is such a Pearl thing to do, like, come on. Also her lucky duckling anybody??? And vibes just fit Y’know? Tragic backstory we already know, seperated from her pseudo-siblings and turned into a watcher- yayyyyyyyyyyy weapon is a scythe bcs I said so. Anyway to round off the empires group we have

Katherine/Nana: ok I could see why some would think Irene would fit here but like her whole thing was healing the undergrove, she wanted to be friends with everyone and everything, also we are not going to ignore a potion that doesn’t exist gets crafted by her? (For lore purposes but still) when she couldn't do something notice how she tried until she couldn’t do it wrong? Also when scott was found half dead in the snow, Katherine healed him. Because yes. Tragic backstory is her parents were killed in a war so now she is a voice for peace and tries to make sure people can always get along. Weapon of choice is two things because she ofc mastered more than one weapon (a girl has to defend herself) they are a bow and a battle ax. 

that rounds out all the incarnates in Empires/hermitcraft (they are one universe) and they are all mentally ill haha. We have a bunch of stuff to go over still like- 2 SMPS, fun goofy AA(you’ll find out what that means later) and ofc how the people figured out they were these incarnates so I will keep updating, make sure to hit me up with any and all questions! Ask box is always open!!!

Anyone wanna hear about my extremely confusing and yet strangely elaborate AU combining my favorite characters across SMPs?

[sunshineandfangs]

Lust, Oleander, Violence, and Edelweiss

I had very much hoped to have more written, but work and uncooperative writing ability got in my way. That being said I wanted to give something to the lovely Luiza @itsnotacrimetoloveyou​. So I suppose consider this the short prologue. Happy Birthday!!!

PS The title was a struggle and I am such a nerd for making it what it is.

---

Her knuckles rapped against the solid oak of her father’s office door, its dark varnish and intricate woodwork a bit ostentatious in her humble - correct - opinion. There was a long pause, the faintest trace of voices silencing.

“Come in, daughter.”

She hid the slight sneering curl of her lips, nothing but a polite smile present as she stepped into the room. Perhaps, there was something to be said for her father’s ambition after all. For if her eyes did not deceive her, that was Don Mikaelson elegantly sprawled in one of the leather chairs, his bearing containing all the lethal grace of a predator.

Caroline pivoted, letting her hair shield her face for half a moment, as she closed the door with a near silent click. The deceptively innocent looks, short blonde curls and blue eyes, shockingly pink lips. Yes, he matched the rumors well. They said death was never crueler than when delivered by his angelic visage.

Well, good for him. 

Her chin was raised as she turned back around, taking a few steps closer.

“You wanted to see me, father?”

“Yes, my dear,” he said, his eyes barely shifting from his other guest, an odd expression on his face. “What say you, Don Mikaelson?”

Caroline felt when his gaze settled on her, though she refused to return his regard, her eyes staring at her father’s now silent form. A taste like poison settled on her tongue. Her suspicions were stirring and she did not like where they were leading.

From the corner of her eye, she saw the devilish tilt of his lips, felt his eyes still boring into her. Then he spoke. His tone light and lilting, lips curling around a British accent. Almost mocking.

“She’s certainly a lovely bird, William.” She wanted to cackle at the crease in her father’s brow. Her father was angry, she could feel it, offended by the slight against him. So, much for those ambitions, huh? Not even meriting a ‘Don Forbes’? Of course her schadenfreude shattered with his next words. “But please do enlighten me on why she’s worth such a generous trade agreement?”

“Caroline,” her father started, a bit of a bite in his voice, “is an ideal companion. Beautiful, intelligent. And her power’s subtle, perfect for swaying a room in your favor.”

She feared her teeth would break from the force with which she clenched them, poison and acid and bile boiling in her stomach.

Half her mind remained focused on the real threat in the room, aware of how he had gone still and calculating. The rest of her was too busy being infuriated beyond words, nearly beyond thought. She didn’t know what disgusted her more, the idea her father was such a piss poor negotiator in the presence of a more powerful Don and he was still trying to foist her off or that he just wanted to be rid of her that badly and didn’t care how desperate he seemed. 

Though it didn’t really matter did it? Either way, her own father - though he was that no longer, he was dead to her - was trying his utmost to fucking sell her like a whore.

Caroline inhaled a quiet breath, loosened her jaw, unclenched the ball of her fists that she hadn’t even noticed in her turmoil.

Don Mikaelson spoke before words could spit from her lips and she was almost grateful for the time it granted her to reign in her rage, temper it, hone it into a weapon she could wield rather than an uncontrolled explosion.

“I’m rather insulted that you believe me such a fool.”

Bill’s brow twitched again, an indignant light in his eyes as he opened his mouth to plead his case, but Don Mikaelson cut him off with a raised hand. “Enough. I don’t care for your excuses. I’ll take the girl for the night as payment for this waste of time. If she’s as useful as you promised then we’ll talk.”

Whatever parting words the two offered to each other was swallowed by the roaring in her ears. Somehow her emotions had flown right past fury and into shocked unreality. It took several mindless steps in the Don’s shadow for her brain to turn back on. And there were only two thoughts running through her head. 

One, William Forbes was a dead man walking. She didn’t care how long it took. 

And two, if Niklaus Mikaelson thought he could so much as put a finger on her without her consent, he could join Bill in Hell.

---

The car ride was silent, Caroline seething and plotting while the Don seemed to be ignoring her. Between courtesy and disregard, she would place her bets on the latter. Still, she didn’t doubt he spared a fraction of his attention to subtly observe her as she did him.

If only she could get away with gouging his pretty blue eyes out. Alas, only the stupid and the suicidal tangled with the Mikaelson Family. Especially alone with no allies to her name.

Caroline smoothed an invisible wrinkle from the blue silk of her dress, eyes flicking up to peer out the tinted windows as the town car rolled to a stop.

A breath rushed from her nose. 

They were off a public street, not even twenty minutes outside the city proper. For God’s sake they had just passed a school a block back, and yet that did not change the three stories of ironically white, gorgeous and ridiculous mansion which greeted her gaze. Eyes darting, she took in the wrought iron fence and what she could see of the grounds. Was that a fountain peaking through one of the manicured hedges?

Caroline swallowed a hysterical giggle.

Bill loved Valentino and stocking his wine cellar with Domaine Leroy. Don Mikaelson probably had a Stuart Hughes Diamond Edition suit as a showpiece.

The sound of her side door opening made her jolt, and she cursed herself as her gaze settled on the Don. The Don who had somehow already exited and made his way around to her side of the vehicle without her noticing a thing.

Beneath layers of ice, Caroline felt the little flickers of his amusement.

She bit her tongue hard enough to taste blood. Refused to let her hand shake as she placed it in his. Refused to flinch away from the heat of his guiding hand at her back.

His foyer was as opulent as the exterior promised. All marble flooring and intricate wall carvings. The click of her heels seemed to echo in the large space as they continued on. Straight to the end of the hall. Right at the Rembrandt. Left at the Steinway. Straight again. Up a spiral staircase with golden ivy swirling down its banister.

Her shoulders did not jolt when a chuckle came from beside her. “I can practically hear the cogs turning in your pretty little head, love.”

She continued to look straight ahead. “Bill told you my name not even thirty minutes ago, is your memory that terrible?” 

“Not at all, he also mentioned intelligence did he not?”

There was nothing menacing in his tone, but she bit her tongue all the same. The taste of the bitter iron of her blood still lingering.

“My apologies, Don Mikaelson, I don’t enjoy pet names.”

The two of them stopped before a plain oak door, and she took the chance to peer at him from the corner of her eye. She couldn’t get a read on him, the little tendrils of his emotions once more tucked away. He led them inside in lieu of responding and near glided to his seat behind his desk. 

Two chairs sat perched in front of his monstrosity of a desk. Perfectly angled and placed within the space. She eyed them, coming to stand behind the one on the left, fingers curling along the wood and leather of its backrest. 

Her gaze returned to the Don, ignoring the slight arch of his eyebrow, the return of the little flickers of amusement. Truly exactly what she wanted, to be found funny by a man such as Niklaus Mikaelson. And he still said nothing, glancing down to fiddle with a drawer.

Though his eyes remained on her as he set the silver wrist cuff he had retrieved on the desk. It would have been plain if not for the shimmer of  encrusted orange crystals. Crystals so fine they were practically dust.

Her index finger shifted a few degrees as she struggled to regulate her breathing. Those gems were imperial topaz. They had to be. And if her eyes were not mistaken, and she highly doubted she was, the metal, bright and flawless, was platinum not silver.

“I’ll give you a choice,” He said, eyes still not straying from hers, voice level as if his words weren’t dripping in irony. “You can wear this and be my guest for the night or you can refuse and enjoy the hospitality of my dungeons instead.”

There were no mirrors in the room, but had there been one Caroline was sure she would look sickly. Pale and stricken. Choice? This was no choice. Not when just looking at that awful, damning piece of jewelry made her insides freeze.

She gritted her teeth, nails marring leather. Color rushed back into her cheeks. She wanted to hit him. Hurt him until he bled.

A breath. 

Her fingers released their death grip on the chair and her cheeks cracked under the strain of her icy smile.

“I’ll take the dungeon, thanks.”

[scone-lover]

@findingniamho​

HAHAHAHA thank you so much for this ask!!! ❤️ This is exciting. Honestly the Egghead fight was one of the most entertaining scenes to write. (Coming up with all the puns was an egg-celent time.) Rereading it just now was like an out of body experience 😂 

Link to the original chapter here - passage & commentary below the cut!

So I have to start with how this scene was born. This is a Simon scene. He’s had a couple fight scenes with Vampire, but I wanted to show him off as the superhero of the city. What was he doing before Vampire appeared on the scene? What are his strengths and weaknesses? Despite the scene’s silliness, it’s also one of the first where we start to get a sense of what Mayor Mage is up to. 

So I knew I wanted him to do the typical defending-the-city thing, and showcase him and Penny as the dread companions power duo.

Besides the plot stuff, my main goal was to make this scene as ridiculously, stereotypically comic book-ish as possible. 😂Hence, Egghead the Villain.

Most of the credit for Egghead goes to my friend -- they’re really into DC and helped me with a lot of the plot stuff in this fic and making things semi-realistic. (Every time you read a clever plot point, it was probably them. 😂) For this non-Vampire fight, my friend suggested a gangster who was doing crimes and bribing the police. Hence this exchange--

“Okay, okay, um-- fuck. Did you call the police?” She huffs. “Yes, and I think they’ve been fucking bribed, because they pretended they didn’t even know who Egghead was! Can you believe that?”

I made him a repeat villain because honestly, I just thought it was more compelling that way. They know who he is already, Simon can grumble about him, they have egg-themed quips at the ready, etc. 😂 

As for the name, Egghead. I love how it came together because Simon is a baker, and I was able to work a couple baking jokes in there eventually. But in reality, it was me begging my superhero expert friend (named t below) to help me out with crafting this villain and coming up with some witty exchanges. A transcript of our conversation with the brainstorming and some of the rejects--

t: the gangster has a nickname right? he has to if he’s a supervillain t: make it a gimmick t: like if he has a red outfit call him mr. red or something t: he has a flamethrower and call him dragon (this made it in, later) me: Vampire already has a flamethrower t: they can be forced to fight him together me: Vampire is at home studying bc he’s a NERD t: ok he can be bald and simon can call him egghead me: THANKS I HATE IT t: simon throws him on the ground at the end of the fight - that was over-easy me: I hate you where do you get this shit t: I mean it’s typical superhero stuff t: he wears yellow and white and deals crack me: This fic is so food themed I love it t: that’s your villain. that’s it. t: listen, if the Flash can have an ice skating villain, YOU CAN HAVE EGGHEAD. And he was born.

(And yes, The Flash does have an ice skating villain. AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ICE POWERS.)

Okay, let’s do this! Warning that this is definitely going to go through more than 500 words of the chapter. 😂 

Men dressed in black suits with bright yellow pocket squares. And larger men around the perimeter, wearing grey and holding flashlights. It looks more like a business transaction than anything; there are briefcases and money being passed back and forth, hands being shaken. “Hey!” I call. There are six men, and they all turn to stare at me, and then make a run for it. The flashlight beams dart wildly and I hear a few of them clatter to the floor. Everyone starts yelling at once and looking for an escape.

I basically watched an episode of Brooklyn-99 and crafted the warehouse drug deal based on that. 

“Don’t move. There’s only one exit,” Penny says in my ear. “And you’re standing in front of it.” I stand my ground, but no one comes near me. The suited guys stay slightly behind the muscular ones. Finally, one of them steps forward. “Mage’s Head Boy. Come to tell us off?”

This scene was also an opportunity to have Penny in Simon’s ear! I wanted them to work together more closely than just talking about superhero stuff - I wanted Penny to be invaluable to Simon’s superhero success and in on the action, too. She’s kind of modeled after Oracle from Batman throughout this fic. 

Mage’s Head Boy is a pretty transparent CO reference. 

There are times when I’m grateful for my ability to just have muscles and growl at people and make them disappear, and there are times when I wish I was witty like Vampire. This is definitely the second. I can’t think of a response to that. Luckily, I have a best friend with a head full of wit. “Tell them to fuck off,” Penny says. Then again, maybe not. What would Vampire say? I get hot and frustrated in the face of danger. He seems to get cooler the higher the stakes get. I fall into a fighting stance. “You wish.” The guy takes a step backwards. “But since I can’t bring you to the police, I suppose I’ll just have to teach you a lesson.” “That was good,” Penny says in my ear.

I obviously had to work a bit of Baz jealousy / crushing into this. I like the idea of Penny being super blunt. She’s smart and sometimes witty, but more often she just says it like it is. “Cooler the higher the stakes get” was a direct reference to the similar line in Carry On. With Simon’s last line - this scene was all about showcasing him as a “typical” superhero that you’d find in a comic, fighting a classic comic book villain. So I gave him one of those cheesy lines.

I’m surrounded. There must be fifteen or twenty of them. Eight huge muscular guys, and the rest in suits. They form a loose circle around me. Almost all of them wield knives, but I don’t see any guns so far.

I knew from the outset I wanted this to be a one-against-many fight. At this point in the story I’d set up a good dynamic for Blade vs Vampire, but not so much Blade vs. other city threats. What makes him a trustworthy hero? Simon’s origin story is that he got news attention by fighting off a group - so putting him in this group fight setting was a chance for him to shine.

A man steps out from the shadows. He’s bald, with a straight, dark mustache, and he’s wearing a pristine white suit and a shirt the colour of an egg yolk. “Egghead,” I say in what I hope is a threatening tone. The name sounds absurd. I’m glad the mask covers my mouth, because I don’t think I can keep a straight face. Penny coughs. Benedict Eggerton, better known as Egghead, is a drug lord who wears yellow and deals… crack. (I know.) (He got into crime early; his parents were poachers.) (Okay, I made that one up. I can’t help it.) I put him in jail earlier this year, but he escaped and fled north.

I was laughing so hard while writing this. You can see in the text exchange above where the suit and nickname came from. I was trying to come up with what his first name might be (my first idea was Sunny). I was so amused when I finally thought of Benedict. 😂 The poachers line is also from my friend T, and the “north” is a reference to Scotland, which comes back later as the Scotch Egg joke.

I draw my weapon, trying to look as menacing as possible. “I remember your blade being bigger,” he says, eyeing my kitchen knife. “Is it too cold for you in here?”

PFFFFFT I LOVE THIS JOKE okay so. I originally made Simon forget his sword because I thought the fight would be too easy - and going back to what I said above, he’s kind of returning to his “roots” with this fight - that spark he has that makes him a hero. And then I wrote the line “I remember your blade being bigger.” TO BE CLEAR, this was not originally intended as an innuendo. 

And then my friend said something like ‘he should turn up the heating in this warehouse then’, and I was like OH DING DING DING PENIS JOKE! 😂I’m oblivious sometimes. I’m glad I realized in time because this is honestly one of my favorite villain lines I’ve ever written.

I really, really wanted to give the “too cold” line to Vampire. It would be perfect for him. But Simon always has his normal sword with Vamp, so Egghead it was. And he instantly became an icon. 😂 

I twirl the knife between my fingers. “I can crack you anyway.” “Good effort,” Penny whispers. “But a bit rough on the delivery. 'Take a crack at you' might have been better...” “Sword or no sword,” I continue, “you’ll be an egg wash by the end of this.” “What?” Penny says. “Is that a baking reference?” Egghead cracks his knuckles, and his men rush me.

Much like Penny does later in the scene, I had a tab open of egg-related words up while writing this. I had to work in the baking reference. But a terrible one. There’s a French term for whisking eggs that basically translates to “beating eggs into snow” - and I wish it was a thing in English, because, you know, Simon Snow. Oh well. 😂 

I Google a list of ways to make eggs. Simon needs to win this fight, but more importantly, he needs to get some egg-themed one-liners in there to show them who’s boss. Chances like this don’t come around very often. 

Listen, Penny is very dedicated. I love the idea of heroes just being quick-witted and coming up with these ridiculous quips on demand. But ultimately, I thought it was funnier - and more in character for Penny - to do this. (Even though her Superhero name is Quickwit, oops.) She has the world of Google at her disposal. Egg puns may not seem important, but superhero image and reputation is half the battle.

Simon is being attacked from all angles, but he fights like a whirlwind. The bulky guys attack first, mostly with their fists. Simon kicks their legs out from under them. He throws them across the floor like they weigh nothing. “Behind you!” I say. Simon spins around and disarms the man behind him, twisting his arm, and I hear a shout through my earbuds. He grabs the guy’s knife and kicks him in the stomach, sending him sprawling. Simon Snow faces fifteen men with nothing but two knives, looking like he’s ready to explode.

I loved writing this from Penny’s POV. I am used to writing fight scenes from the POV of the person fighting, so this was definitely a cool challenge. It’s part of why I brought Penny into the scene in the first place - so I could show Simon in third person. Almost like we’re watching a movie and getting some overhead shots. From his POV, you don’t realize quite how awesome he is. So getting to showcase him like this was really fun.

I still have to wonder how Shepard knew… well, everything. 

Don’t tell anyone but I didn’t know yet either

“He’s Scottish,” I tell Simon. “Scotch Egg.”

I know. This one’s bad.

He’s a blur of gold and white in motion. He throws his knife—I have no idea where he learned to do that—and it embeds itself in one of the men’s legs. He rolls across the floor, picking up two more discarded knives.

I don’t do a ton of plotting/outlining with fight scenes, but one thing I decide in advance is where and how everyone gets hurt. I didn’t want Simon to win the fight too easily, but I did need to injure him somehow. So it wouldn’t be too easy, but also to serve as a counterpoint to the socks thing later.

I watched a lot of action sequences to write this fic, especially with the trickier one vs. many scenes. 

Simon tosses him like a sack of flour.

Couldn’t resist the baker!Simon reference.

“Hard or soft boiled,” I whisper. “Which way is it gonna be, Egghead? Hard or soft boiled?” Simon shouts. He whispers to me, “That was stupid.” Egghead raises an eyebrow. “Last chance to leave us alone, Blade.” I consult my list of egg dishes. “Give up before you get scrambled.” Simon twirls his blades. I love it when he does that; he looks like Deadpool. “It’s your last chance to surrender before you get scrambled.”

I loved the hard or soft boiled line at first. And then I wrote it down and said it out loud, just to check, and it sounded SO DUMB. 😂I almost took it out, but then figured—Simon is probably not going to think this through, either.

Maybe the Deadpool line was a bit on the nose here, but I wanted to give readers some really vivid imagery of what Simon looks like right now with these dual wicked blades kitchen knives.

“I prefer my eggs… poached,” he says. 

Even though Egghead has turned out to be quite a serious villain—there are guns, drugs, and a backstory—he is, after all, original master of the egg puns. He would never turn down this opportunity.

Egghead scrambles (ha) to his feet

I think Penny is just me in this.

“Over-easy,” I whisper.

“That was over-easy,” he says.

Not my best. But it had to be in there.

I’ll skip the serious bits, since the plot there is pretty self-explanatory, to this:

I wish he’d asked what we serve, because I have so many egg puns at the ready. Eggs-ecution. Hash-ing out justice. Karma served hard.  

My beta ashspren gave me this line, and I could not be more grateful. Imagine the chapter without this. It would be a shame.

Here are a few egg puns that didn’t make the cut, SADLY:

You're washed out, egghead

*Egghead gets angry* hey, it was just a yolk

I had to go "beat" some eggs

*uppercut* Sunny side UP!

I'll bash in your Eggnoggin’

Some people are just bad eggs

Sorry this is so long—this has been a purely self-indulgent experience. Thanks so much for this ask, I really enjoyed writing this and I hope you like it! ❤️ 

[runawaymarbles]

Good omens fic rec

A Letter from “Crawly” to Azirapil by mostlydeadlanguages | 500 Words | G

This remarkable letter of unknown provenance surfaced recently in the cuneiform collection of the University of West Wessex. Addressed to Azirapil from a Mr. “Crawly,” it appears to be begging for the other’s return to Ur from a western journey with another individual, Abiraham. The relationship between the two (brothers? business partners? friends?) is unknown.

404 Email Not Found by Dacelin | 700 words | G

The first the Metatron knew about Armageddon was when Aziraphale contacted him to beg for it to be called off. Being a professional, the Metatron murmured soothing things about it all being part of the plan and rerouted the call elsewhere instead of admitting he had no idea what the principality was talking about.

my black eye casts no shadow by gyzym | 1.5k | Not Rated, probably M 

If you cut humanity to the quick, split it open, found its soul, it would have dark red hair and bright wild eyes.

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London’s antique enthusiasts and rare lit nerds alike know that if you’re looking for a specific vintage or antique book, you have a good chance of ending up in A.Z. Fell & Co. as a last resort. And if you’ve ever been in (or are currently in) this predicament, you know how much of an absolute nightmare it is trying to even get in the door. Luckily, this handy guide, the fruit of a months-long collaborative effort to create the perfect formula for gaming the A.Z. Fell system, will tell you everything you need to know, complete with a comprehensive breakdown of what, exactly, the opening hours are. Compiled by pageknight and inky of the Rare Antique Forums.

Quiet Light by drawlight | 2k | T |

There are rules. The trouble with hearts is that they play by none of them.

between the shadow and the soul by absopositivelutely | 2k | NR

(alternatively: it takes 6000 years for crowley to realize that aziraphale could love him too.)

i just happen to like apples (i am not afraid of snakes) by gyzym | 2k | Not Rated

Written for the following prompt: "Someone write me Crowley the bitter lesbian who only gave Eve the apple because she thought feminism should be there from day one." As such, please be warned that this story contains some fairly radical reinterpretations of Biblical stories and themes; if that sort of thing is not for you, please give this tale a pass.

Secret Agent Man by Emamel | 2.3k | G | 

Edward was very good at two things: noticing things, and not being noticed in return. It was the sort of qualities that made you a good spy. These two never got the memo.

Ten Fathoms Deep On the Road to Hell by BuggreAlleThis | 2.5k | G

Aziraphale is given an assignment as a Captain in the Royal Navy and finds life at sea miserable. Crowley, on the other hand, is having plenty of fun as the Captain of a motley pirate crew.

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It's a lovely week in the South Downs, and Crowley is at war with a Horrible Goose.

Anthony J. Crowley, Retired Demon and Airbnb Superhost by TheOldAquarian | 3k | G 

What are you supposed to do when you've been fired from your sweet job in Hell for thwarting the schemes of Satan, you've got a swanky flat in Mayfair, and you're looking for an excuse to spend all your time in someone else's bookshop? Obviously, you turn to the dubious world of short-term vacation rentals. The resulting Airbnb property has been variously described as "an instagram trap," "a vampire den but make it botanical," and "the weirdest bed and breakfast in the shared history of beds and breakfasting."

Salinity (And Other Measurements of Brackish Water) by drawlight | 3k | T | 

It's an odd thing, getting on after the End of the World. Crowley takes to sea-watching.

Stopgap by RC_McLachlan | 3k | T | 

"Can you imagine ruining something so frustratingly perfect just to get a leg up with Management?" Crowley then remembers who he's talking to and why he's here in the first place. "Sorry, bad example, of course you can." A missing scene from Episode 6.

Wednesdays Are for This by magpiespirit | 3k | T

"D'you think we should have sex," he asks idly, pressing post on his addition to the exclusive How to Summon and Bind Demons forum. This one, he's sure, will both give Hell several annoying headaches and make a dent in the problem of demonology rising in the incel community. Bless, he loves having free time. "I think," Aziraphale replies frankly, giving Crowley a really, now look over the rims of his stupid glasses and the top of a first edition of something that probably uses a hundred words to say what could be said in five, "that should is a word best left to Heaven and Hell." And Crowley, who was only looking to fluster the angel a little, belatedly remembers that he's gotten commendations for Aziraphale's temptations.

build me a city, call it jerusalem by gyzym | 3.5k | T | 

Man begets man begets The Tales of Men, and there's nothing godly in that; Those Above and Them Below haven't any need for the stories humans have been hungry for since the snake and the Angel with the flaming sword.

The Plantom Menace by theinkwell33 | 3.6k | G 

There is an urban legend well known in this area regarding The Plant Man. Footage exists, blurry and ill-lit, of the trespassing fiend, but it never provides a good look at his face. He exists only as a rumor; a giggled whisper in someone’s ear at the pub, an inside joke at uni, and a viral sensation. None of these things mean he is not real. That being said, the only person who can corroborate the truth about the Plant Man is the man himself. And unfortunately, Anthony J. Crowley has no idea that it’s him.

get religion quick (cause you're looking divine) by brinnanza | 4k | G |

So it was fine. Even if Crowley couldn’t love him, he clearly liked him well enough, and that was almost the same thing. It no doubt would have continued to be fine, or at least fine-adjacent, were it not for a narrowly averted apocalypse and several bottles of a really quite nice Riesling Aziraphale had found in the back room of his newly restored bookshop.

to carthage then i came by Lvslie | 4k | T | 

‘You’re difficult to follow sometimes.’ ‘Difficult?’ Crowley echoes, feeling hollow. ‘Am I too fast? Am I going—’ And just like that, there’s something new in the silence between them, a tightening. The glass almost slips from his grasp, sliding from between languid fingers. His vision clouds. —too fast for you?’

Snakes and Stones (Never Broke My Bones) by DeerstalkerDeathFrisbee | 4.5k | G

No one wants to say it, but the residents of Dorm A, floor 3, are collectively convinced Aziraphale Fell’s boyfriend does not exist. This is their story.

as the poets say by nikkiRA | 4.6k | T

Crowley takes a long drink of his wine and then says, before he can chicken out, “Aziraphale, I have always been sure about you.”

Re-Recalled by Jennistar | 5k | T |

Halfway through an argument, Aziraphale gets accidentally discorporated and doesn't come back. Crowley does the sensible thing and panics.

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The life and times of Nicole Percival Castings, Witch. Featuring: her ongoing love/rivalry with a particular magical bookstore, an Eccentric(TM) shopkeeper who keeps a huge snake in aforementioned bookstore, finding oneself and one's magical power, the cyclicality of life.

your smile speaks books to me by laiqualaurelote | 5k | T 

Aziraphale's bookshop becomes accidentally famous on Instagram, to his great distress. Since Crowley invented Instagram, it's also his problem.

it's a new craze by attheborder | 5.5k | G | 

CROWLEY: I try not to make a habit of gratitude, but I must give our appreciation to everyone out there who’s been listening and subscribing to The Ineffable Plan. AZIRAPHALE: Ooh, yes, we’ve become quite popular, haven’t we?CROWLEY: Yeah, just hit number eight on the advice charts … No advertising at all.  AZIRAPHALE: Mm. How … miraculous. CROWLEY: … Aziraphale. You did not.

your apple-eating heathen by katarzi | G | 5.7k

History is written without them, and Crowley’s no lady.

the blues have run the game by indigostohelit | 6k | NC-17 (more of an M)

Halfway between the Beginning and the Apocalypse, Crowley visits the court of King Saul, and runs into a prince, a war camp, and a songbook. 

the earth has never felt this old by brawlite | 6k | T

Crowley has a long history with holy places.

TwoFish by Grindylowe | 6k | T | 

A love story about angels and demons. Also, fish

A Nice and Accurate Lesbian Herstory Archive by badwig | T | 6.6k

More or less just the opening montage from 'Hard Times' but they're lesbians - a series of vignettes from the Garden to now.

parable of shepherds by Lvslie | 6k | T |

‘Aziraphale, you need to stop telling that goddamned story to everyone we stumble upon,’ she hisses. ‘I’m serious. You keep it up much longer, everyone’s gonna think we’ve gone and murdered that alleged husband of mine. ‘Crowley,’ Aziraphale says blithely, a serene smile plastered to her face as a familiar-looking man passes by, ‘Dear. That’s what I want them to think.’

Nothing Like The Sun by mirawonderfulstar | 6k | T |

One tended to go through a number bodies in six thousand years, even if one was as cautious or sturdy as Aziraphale. Crowley, who was neither cautious nor sturdy, had gone through a large number. He’d changed appearance so many times that in Aziraphale’s memory he was often just his eyes, for no matter if Crowley was tall or short, lithe or stocky, blond or raven-haired, his eyes stayed the same. 

Blessed/Cursed Retirement by DictionaryWrites | 7k | T

Liam Buttersby, a very normal, nine-year-old boy, makes a friend in the retiree who has recently moved to his village in the South Downs. The retiree in question claims to hate it, and is a liar.

the technology is neutral by Deputychairman | 7k | NC-17 | 

“Stand up?” he echoed, incredulous but too undone by sensation to express the full force of his disbelief. “I can barely even remember my own name after that, and you want me to stand up?” “Your name is Anthony J Crowley, apparently, although you never did tell me what the J stood for so I can’t help you there,” he said, not hiding his smile. “Do stand up, I promise you’ll like it.”

Part of the Plan by HardlyFair | 7k | T |

In which things do not return to the exact way they were Before.

Where Thou Art by Mottlemoth | 7.5k | M | 

A late-night bus to London, a few human comforts, and a long overdue confession... nothing will ever be the same for an angel and his demon.

The Ark by rfsmiley | 7k | T 

We’ve all been assuming that it takes them 6,000 years to figure it out, but what if it takes 6,300?

Or: the ineffable husbands evacuate a dying Earth.

Ad Astra by drawlight | 8K | NC-17

Some things can only be said in the dark.

except you enthrall me, never shall be free by curtaincall | 8k | T

It's a classic story: Angel meets knight. Angel volunteers to get beheaded by knight. Knight turns out to be angel's demon frenemy. Somehow, there is kissing. Based on the Middle English ballad Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.

Falling Rain by Aria | 8k | T |

Once upon a time, an angel and a demon hitched a ride on the Ark.

such surpassing brightness by Handful_of_Silence | 8k | G | 

The revelation that Aziraphale might have been in love with him for thousands of years is surprising. The fact that literal books have been written on the subject comes as even more of a shock.

Without Creativity by htebazytook | 8k | NC-17 |

Another Crowley and Aziraphale through the ages fic, with some heavy symbolism thrown in for good measure.

Exit Wounds by racketghost | 8k | T

“At least they were together for a time,” Crowley says, staring at the lit end of his cigarette, “maybe that’s enough.”

On The Matter Of Touch by Somedrunkpirate | 9k | T

“On the matter of touch,” Crowley begins, waving his teaspoon in what he hopes passes for idle curiosity. “Thoughts?”

and, so on by PaintedVanilla | 9k | M | 

Crowley doesn’t remember heaven, but Aziraphale remembers him.

Going Home by Daegaer | 9k | G | 

Aziraphale is recalled to Heaven, Crowley isn't impressed.

The future's going to break through by nieded | 10k | T

My take on South Downs: Aziraphale and Crowley decide to become professors. This is inspired by the headcanon that Crowley has 20 different degrees. He is the Serpent of the Tree of Knowledge after all.

Wings and How to Hide Them by triedunture | M | 10k 

Crowley's been annoyingly in love for six thousand years. What's another lifetime between friends? Or: Aziraphale definitely fucks and isn't that just perfect?

The Gospel of Crowley by gutterandthestars | 10k | T

Crowley tempts Jesus in the wilderness! Turns out Jesus gives as good as he gets. Also Crowley pines over Aziraphale and has Big Gay Angsty Feelings because, well. Because Crowley.

A Nanny? In MY Summoning Circle? by pukner | 10k | Not Rated

(it's more likely than you think) Warlock "Lockie" Dowling summons a demon. Or, he buys a book off a suspiciously familiar bookseller and is convinced into demon summoning. It goes about as well as you'd expect.

damn.nation, now available on itunes by antistar_e (kaikamahine) | 10k | T

When lowly tempt-pusher Amphora (formerly of Stairwell 7B North, before she Fell,) gets the notice that end times are nigh, she gleefully quits her job and cancels her Netflix subscription and takes her place among the legions of hell. This, it turns out, was a bad plan.

Lie Back And Think Of Dinner by jessthereckless | 11k | M |

"Crowley, this is a disaster. This is everything I ever wanted. We’re in love. And there’s a picnic. And we don’t seem to be able to get…amorous without causing earthquakes.” Aziraphale attempts subterfuge. Crowley sees right through him.

Something to do with these sacred words by Solshine | 11k | T

Crowley confesses early, and Crowley confesses often. Aziraphale never knows quite what to say.

A Resurrection of Whales, and Other Omens of Varying Goodness by Margo_Kim | 11k | WIP | T

After the end of the world doesn't end anything, Heaven and Hell send replacements to Earth while the old representatives try to figure out their new normal.

Serpentine by sergeant_smudge | 11k | G |

Five ways in which Crowley is a snake. *And one more thing.

what's to come by PepperPrints, restlesslikeme | 11k | T 

Post-Apocalyptic AU. Even without the Antichrist, both Heaven and Hell insist on Armageddon. Aziraphale is missing and Crowley sets out to find him, driving through a scorched Earth with a witch in his passenger seat.

Basking by bomberqueen17 | 15k | NC-17

Crowley is extremely confused about how or whether celestial beings can experience physical sexual desire. He's also not fantastic at using his words. Things go all... snake-shaped.

Nanny Knows Best by DictionaryWrites | 17k | M

Being a nanny, that should be simple. Simple. Easy as pie. Crowley wished that were true.

One Night In Bangor (And the World's Your Oyster) by Atalan | 17k | NC-17

"All right, I know I'm going to regret asking this," Aziraphale says. "What exactly does this wager entail?” Crowley grins like the cat that not only got the cream but has absconded with the entire cow. He grabs the bottle and swigs straight from it despite Aziraphale's tut of disapproval. "The pot goes to whichever demon can get an angel into bed by the end of the evening."

Soft (A Love Story in Three Bites) by mia_ugly | 18.3k | NC-17

Crowley was an angel, once. Before she fell. Aziraphale was a warrior (she fell too. It just took a little longer.)

The Persephone Clause by Zetared | 20k | T |

When Crowley is forcibly recalled to home office, Aziraphale conspires with a denounced saint and strikes a deal with the agents of Hell to get him back.

in search of the wind by drawlight | 27k | NC-17

After the World Doesn't End, Aziraphale is not returned to his body. Crowley tries to find a way to get to Heaven's fast-shut gates. Aziraphale tries to find his way back from the sky (and back in time).

And So We Come Full Circle by Hekateras | 30k | T | 

"Angel. You know it's gonna be really bad, this time around," Crowley says slowly. "When the times comes, I want you to-"

Mirror, Mirror by ImprobableDreams900 | 44k | T

Adam, Eve, and Crawly flee Eden through the Western Gate, and it turns out that that simple decision makes all the difference in the world...

Slow Show by mia_ugly | 90k | NC-17

In which temptations are accomplished, grand romantic gestures are made, and two ineffable co-stars only take four seasons of an award-winning television program to realize they’re on their own side (at last, at last.)

Demonology and the Tri-Phasic Model of Trauma: An Integrative Approach by Nnm | 100k | T

What Aubrey Thyme, a professional, thought, upon first seeing her new client was: you’re going to be a fun one, aren’t you?

Eden!verse by ImprobableDreams900 | 550k | T-M

When Crowley gets captured by angels and dragged up to Heaven, Aziraphale knows he has to rescue him—no matter the consequences.

[dcarevu]

Batman TAS: Dreams in Darkness

“Isn’t that why I’m here? Because I’m…disturbed?”

Episode: 28 Robin: Yes (Hallucination) Writers: Judith Reeves-Stevens and Garfield Reeves-Stevens Director: Frank Paur Animator: Studio Junio Airdate: November 3, 1992 Grade: A

Arkham Asylum sucks, doesn’t it. BTAS makes it pretty unclear whether criminals escape or get released most of the time (legally or illegally). But sometimes we are given an x-ray of the inner-workings, and it pushes away any hope that Gotham City has a way of cleaning up its reputation. The last time we had an episode featuring the Scarecrow, we found out that the Scarecrow was supposed to be contained, but a sketchy guard was hiding the fact that he actually was not in his cell. I’m not sure how long that charade could have been kept up, but for the Scarecrow, I doubt that mattered too much, right? Ironically, though, you would think the last thing an escaped patient would want to do would be to wear their infamous costume, stay in the same city, and cause a lot of recognizable trouble in an area as public as a college campus, but we are not exactly dealing with the sane here… This time, only a few episodes later, Scarecrow has somehow gotten out of captivity again. But instead of going all trick-or-treat at sports games, he opts to keep his activities hidden in the shadows below Arkham. There is an old George Carlin routine where he explains how theoretically, living next to a prison ought to be fairly safe. After all, an escaped prisoners are certainly not about to hang around, they’re going to get as far away as possible! Scarecrow may be crazy, but he also seems to be quite intelligent. He was a college professor as some evidence. He probably knows that one of the last places the police would look for him would be under the floor boards. And even here, he hides in the dark, giving orders from the void we so often see cloaking our characters on this show. On top of this, he speaks with a much more menacing voice than before, and at first I thought it was a different voice actor. But no, it is still Henry Polic II. Andrea Romano must have figured out how to actually make the master of fear the least bit intimidating, and it’s about time. Scarecrow for some reason took a while for them to figure out, with him being incredibly goofy in his first appearance, merely spooky in his second, and now incredibly sinister-seeming. Even his mask-design is ever-so-slightly different, although the difference in effect is negligible. What I appreciate more is the difference in his body and posture. Nothing to Fear portrayed him as moving in a very floppy, bouncy fashion, like a Scarecrow might in a little kid’s “Happy Halloween” cartoon special. His body now is angled quite nicely, and he almost stands the way a living corpse would. I’m glad Scarecrow went out on a high note, for the most part (as this is his last major appearance in Batman TAS). Don’t worry, that does not mean that this was his last major appearance in the DCAU!

When the episode starts, we do not know that the Scarecrow will be involved. We get a shot of some Arkham employees talking about a “new patient” who was experiencing some hallucinations. When the cell door is opened and the lights are turned on, we see that it is Batman of all people! When you are not even a minute in, and this is what the episode brings us, it’s like, “Wait. What the hell happened off screen before the show started exactly??” The show immediately plays with our expectations, setting up a mystery and leaving us unsure of whom to trust. We’ve been with Batman for 28 episodes now (plus a pilot), but we also know that he is perhaps not all mentally there, much like so many of his foes. Witnessing him bound in a straight jacket and being treated by doctors is hardly outside the realm of realistic possibilities! But we also know that something screwy is certainly going on, and the way the doctors talk, it’s harder to trust them then it is Batman.

Batman desperately attempts to explain what is going on to the doctors, and asks them if they contacted the people they were supposed to contact, but all he gets as a response is, “He needs more time. See that he’s not disturbed.” GAAAHHHHHH. Pet peeve! I hated as a kid when I would try to explain something, yet no one would take me seriously. It’s infuriating! The doctors act like they care and they are there to help, but ultimately, them listening to what Batman is saying is all an act! They are not hearing the supposedly sane words that they want to hear, so Batman’s garble is meaningless. That has got to be so frustrating, especially given the fact that Batman is trying to save the city from an underground threat!

After this scene, we get some narration done by Batman himself, and this subtly lets us know that, no, we didn’t miss anything, and that it will all be explained by the end of the episode. Batman narrating is also super badass. It would have been real easy to make it cheesy, but Kevin Conroy knows how to deliver. The narration also assures us that Batman is not the crazy one, because his words sound confident (despite showing deep distress) and they make sense. He isn’t talking like a crazy person would talk. We are about to do something that those doctors were not willing to do, and that is hear him out. The narration leads us to a flashback scene (with an awesome music score) where Batman attempts to stop some thugs from messing with the Health Spring Spa’s drinking-water supply, but he ends up being exposed to this red gas that the thugs were going to pump into the pipes. A voice on the thugs’ communication unit also mentions that Batman is “right on schedule”, so we know that this gas was all-too deliberate. This hear helps us piece together the puzzle of why Batman could be locked away. It obviously has to do with the chemicals that he inhaled, but what are the details? And who is behind it? It becomes more obvious as Batman looks up at his screen during a flashback and sees the reflection of the Joker walking toward him. Turning around, he realizes that it is actually Alfred who was approaching. Obviously concerned, he sneaks into a doctor’s office and allows Dr Wu to examine his blood. Apparently the hallucinations are set to get much, much worse, putting him in a state of psychosis. This is where he understand Batman’s intensity earlier in the episode when talking to the Arkham employees. Not only does he need to stop Gotham’s entire water supply from being poisoned by this gas, but he has limited time before he himself goes completely off the deep end. And that brings us to perhaps the greatest thing about this episode.

In Nothing to Fear, we got some fear-hallucinations, triggered by Scarecrow’s toxin. And they were, well, nothing to fear, honestly. We got the image of Bruce’s father’s floating head, telling him that he disgraced the family name for a couple of seconds. It served the plot of the episode, but the weight of it wasn’t exactly felt. We got another one where Bruce’s father turned into a skeleton-like figure, but again, it didn’t do a lot for me. The hallucinations seen in Fear of Victory were a lot better, but they still weren’t the best of the best. Dreams in Darkness, though, this is the Pink Elephants episode. It’s the peyote-in-the-desert episode. It’s the Squidward in Clarinetland episode. The hallucinations that Batman experiences are incredibly intense for a show appropriate for children, the most intense one being the giant pistol that goes off, representing the murder of Bruce’s parents. This is accompanied by bloodcurdling scream from Batman that gives goosebumps. The sequence is incredible well-done, but there are several more that we get to experience. If you are into bizarro sequences in animation, this is the episode where BTAS did a bunch of them, and I would say it is worth checking out just for that. But add in some other great things like a good mystery, the Scarecrow at his best, some awesome atmosphere, etc, and it is extremely worth checking out.

The episode even managed to fool me at one point, despite having seen it before. There is a point where the doctors inject something into Batman to sedate him. I was thinking we were gonna figure out that the stuff being injected was actually more fear-toxin, and that they were working for the Scarecrow. But no, as far as I can tell, they were legitimate doctors, even if their competence wasn’t that high. Hell, they question why Batman would think that Scarecrow might have escaped, when just four episodes ago that very thing happened. Jeez, guys. Even if they were new doctors to the place, you’d think they’d be informed that Scarecrow is a slippery one. How can anyone have confidence that Arkham Asylum is a safe place for criminals to go?

The episode of course ends with Batman facing his fears and defeating Scarecrow. Scarecrow is no match for Batman in a physical fight, and it probably brings him back to the glory days of high school where jocks beat the shit out of the nerds (that’s a joke, I was a huge nerd/geek in high school who stood no fighting chance against anyone). I loved how every time Batman would suffer a hallucination or face a new, scary challenge, he would simply keep on trucking. He would get done going through something absolutely terrifying, then stand up and calmly move forward. It was a situation where Batman knew that he had no choice, and that if he didn’t do this, then it wouldn’t matter anyway. Gotham would be up the creek without a paddle. At least until the military got involved. He even put off his own treatment (which would put him out of commission for a couple days) until after the Scarecrow problem was solved.

Check it out if you haven’t! Of course, my words can only do the show so much justice, so take a look at this episode’s screenshots! Is this an excuse to stop writing? Maybe… I’m just tired of being behind on these blogs… I’m gonna try to bust out a few of them tomorrow. It’ll put a lot less stress on me…

Had to use the Blu Ray footage this episode. But it all looks pretty nice, so enjoy some high def!

A twist beginning can be just as powerful as a twist ending. We also don’t often see Batman in such a powerless situation. Like Bugs Bunny (but with a completely different approach), he always exudes a sense of control.

How do animators get this blur effect? When the camera shifts focus?

The lighting from the window is angled gorgeously. It’s also a shot that makes you wonder how the hell Batman is ever going to escape (Char gave me this insight).

It’s not every family cartoon where you see someone about to be drilled through the chest.

As the Joker suddenly appears as a reflection on the screen, we don’t get an dramatic music or anything. So when we see that it’s actually Alfred, it makes us feel almost as silly as Batman for worrying. 

A pretty good shot of Batman’s face, but the rest of his body seems off to me. Also, this is our first time seeing Batman in-costume getting help from a professional like a doctor. 

Well animated crash sequence, ending in a shot of the asylum as two doctors sprint out, heading for the crash sight. Great transition.

So as Batman talks to the doctors, I noticed that one of them refers to the Joker as Jack Napier. Is that his actual name in this show? Or is it merely an alias (and one of many?). No spoilers, I wanna find out through the episodes and comics!

Here is what the Scarecrow is looking like this time. Compare this to his last appearance:

His design is certainly shifting toward the more angular, streamlined look of future DCAU shows.

Is that sweat or a tear, Batman????

One of the hallucination-sequences that was so powerfully sad and ctreative (Char). Instead of simply leaving the gunshot to our ears, we see the tunnel they enter morph into a giant gun, and blood runs out of it. I don’t want to quite call this personification, but it is a very warped interpretation of what happened last night and it gives us somethin far more interesting than anything offered in Nothing to Fear where it was much more straight forward.

Scarecrow’s clock is very cute. 

I like how they both look at each other after missing Batman with a traguilizer dart. Like, “Good going, Frank.”

Batman was trapped in a mental hospital where most of his arch nemeses are also being held. That has to keep a guy on edge. No wonder he’s having these particular visions. Robin and Alfred’s voice actors do a great job here sounding like evil versions of their normal selves. It’s all quite unsettling.

Look how great he looks!!!

This batarang moment was dope. Look at those two stills. This is Studio Junio, the same ones who animated The Underdwellers. 

That’s all for this episode! 

This show has the ability to make so many viewers feel young again. It’s no demetrite, but it gets the job done... Join us next time!

Char’s grade: A Next time: Eternal Youth

Full episode list here!

[daydreamindollie]

s.cs | care enough

Pairing: c.seungcheol x f.reader

Genre: fluff

Length: 1.2k

Drabble Prompt:

"Who gave you that black eye?"

"Don't touch me, we're fighting."

"You're so clingy, I love it."

masterlist

With Seungcheol being the typical bad boy, who had the fragrance and grace of trouble, people tended to stir clear of him, therefore, it is only natural that you would be the first person to ever approach him.

The encounter came completely unexpected to him but you had actually planned the entire thing. Knowing that he hung out at the abandoned and wrecked music room of your school during lunch time, you made it your priority to confront him rather than get yourself lunch from the canteen.

To him, the sudden appearance of another person in his personal hide away was shocking but, to you, what was shocking was his talent for rapping and singing.

After overcoming his momentary shock, he immediately lashed out at you, questioning everything: who you were, what you wanted and would have gone on if you hadn't said what you did.

"You're so talented."

The two of you became close friends the moment you met. Your meeting had gone on to him showing you his lyrics, rapping and singing his uncharacteristically sensitive heart out before practically soaking in all of your praise.

When talking to you, he expressed how he hated the school for taking away the music department in order to fully fund the sports facilities and you strangely harboured the same emotions in an instant in spite of your minor interest in music. The main suspect could be your feelings of wanting him to showcase his talent more openly.

It wasn't clear that the two of you were friends then but when he asked you to call him by his real name (Seungcheol) rather than the alias he had others calling him (S.Coups), your fate became just a little bit clearer, much like the gradual dispersion of moody clouds.

Delving deeper into each other's personalities and source of individuality, the two of you learned many things about the other, equating your fresh friendship into the ripeness of long-time best friends within the first few days of meeting each other.

He learned that you were a geek for anime and the arts but was also a nerd for the sciences as well as maths, which was beneficial to him when exams came creeping up on his mentally unprepared wakefulness. In turn, you learned that he could actually be really soft and gentle despite his somewhat menacing facial exterior.

Through time you came to learn about his flaws alongside his endearing features whilst also coming to love them all.

Your crush ripened into a prospering love that dared to be challenged as you found yourself doing anything just to witness his gorgeous smiles, or have his soothing voice lovingly caress your ear, or be as physically close to him for as long as possible.

Not long after getting to know him better, you even started a petition that strived to bring back the music subject to your school.

There were times when you thought you were going insane because he never seemed to acknowledge your pronounced gestures of affection.

It wasn't until autumn that things began changing between the two of you.

"Who gave you that black eye?" you had almost screamed upon seeing him at the neglected music room during lunch. The thing that almost frightened you more than the discovery of his injury was the fierce irate piercing glare of his usual benign eyes.

"How many times do I have to tell you that you need to tell me whenever others are giving you trouble?" he snapped barbarously.

Several weeks previous, he had unintentionally uncovered your secret. It was something you weren't proud of and had never meant for him to find out but, one day, you hadn't covered a bruise well enough with concealer and he knew in an instant. You did your best to dismiss your bullying-victim situation but was cut off by falling deeper in love through his promise in always protecting you from that day onward. It warmed your heart considerably to know that he cared so much but you still did your best to keep him from it. Now, you always double checked your concealer and smiled through the pain of every bruise and ache for him.

How did he find out?...

"You think I wouldn't hear a word about how you got jumped yesterday?!" shocked into silence by his growling voice, you stood frozen. "I'm not stupid!" he marched over, his footsteps deafening and echoing in the shell of your ear as the obscuring shadow over his eyes made you shrink back. Cringing and stopping midway at your shivering frame, his aggressively intense gaze diluted into a much more sombre one, "or maybe..." his brows furrowed and ruffled his expression into vexation once more, "maybe you're just as scared of me as you are of them!" this was an insecurity you knew he faced daily when people distanced themselves at the mere sight of him, so you quickly cried out in protest.

"That's not true!-"

"Stop lying! Why were you cowering just seconds ago?!"

Suddenly angry, you barked, "maybe it's because you were, without warning, being so frightening - shouting and scowling at me?!" it was a fair reason but he only shook his head and made for the door with an unreadable face. This made you panic as you thought back to this blackened eye, "wait, your eye-" you reached out but he slapped your hand away.

"Don't touch me, we're fighting."

Frowning, you slammed the door shut just as he creaked it open.

"Let me take care of it." you demand.

"I'm not-"

"Please..." you begged with your voice, heart and eyes, finally letting him agree. After some minutes of your careful hands taking care of him drawled by, you voiced out unexpectedly, "I don't think you know how much I care about you..."

Silence.

"Tell me then..."

"Certainly as much as you care about me."

Looking up at you, he quirked a brow as you did your best to comprehend the sudden intimacy rising in the air between you.

"Really?"

"Yes, really," you confirm with a curt laugh, "don't you trust me?"

"You need to prove it."

"How?"

"Kiss me..." you dropped your damp handkerchief and stared at him with bulging eyes, "because I care for you enough to want to kiss you."

That day, the two of you shared your first kiss.

It wasn't until weeks later did you finally make your romantic relationship official.

However, months after that, when girls suddenly grew attracted to his bad boy look and surprising musical talent (the petition you held was overwhelmingly successful) did he discover your cute, jealous and clingy side.

You would hiss and glare at girls in such a feral manner that you became known for your vicious persona more, rather than your brains. This became an insecurity of yours but you were always reassured by your lover.

"You're so clingy, I love it." he'd peck your forehead

"I love you so much." you sighed in a daze.

"I love you more." he challenged.

"I love you most." and you'd share a kiss that was as magical as your first.

[capricious-passions-blog]

Mob Boss Stan Pines

Preview/Chapter 1

Summary/Link

***

Back Then:

Fiddleford wrung his hands, twisting them in his shirt. He could hear the doorbell echoing through the New Jersey house, bouncing off the high walls and up into the second floor. The Pines Residence had seemed smaller across the street - mushed into the long line of apartments lining the rode. Now, standing at the top of the steps, the thick door looked like a heavy barricade to keep people out and maybe ... maybe to keep him IN if he let himself be invited past the threshold.

Fiddleford pulled in a few deep breaths and tugged at his collar. This internship was a huge opportunity - but he wondered if it was much a good idea. The biggest crime boss in the whole city - no, the whole STATE. What if he found something he shouldn't? What if they didn't like him? What if he failed and they decide to toss him in Glass Shard Bay. Tossed him with nothing but a metal weight and a lung full of air to swim with the fishes?

The door opened and Fiddleford stepped away - almost tripping back a notch. He looked up, into the illuminated image of a tall burley man in a sharp plaid suit. His eyes were dark under the shadow of a fedora, and he glowered down with what Fiddleford could only interpret as a menacing stare.

"McGucket?"

Fiddleford stared into the dark shades, his mind blank as his breath slipped out. A moment went by, then another. His eyes widened.

"Y-y-yes! Ah, that'll be me." He held out a hand, scrambling to shake off his nerves. "Fiddleford McGucket. Here for the - th - th' uh, internship."

Filbrick Pines reached out and gave Fiddleford an iron shake. He turned and gestured, not catching Fiddleford's wince as he rubbed his fingers. They went in and walked down a hall. Coming to an entrance of stairs Filbrick ordered him to 'Wait here,' before leaving to a sitting room on the left.

The moment the older man disappeared, Fiddleford let out a sigh of relief, feeling as if the worst might be over. Then his mind supplied a whole new series of disasters, and he waited, looking around the room for some sign of just what he was waiting for. Someone came up on his right - his gaze jerk, and he turned at the new presence.

A teenager, his age it looked like. A round jaw that was trying to square itself out, and an expression that looked Fiddleford up and down. The man leaned against the doorway with crossed arms and gave him a once over. Fiddleford went hot with embarrassment, realizing this must be his research partner. He tried to straighten, looking the part of genius teen scientist, and wondered how much sway Stanford Pines had in choosing his assistant.

Fiddleford took a step forward with an outstretched hand.

"You must be Stanford. I'm Fiddleford. Fiddleford McGucket - ,"

He couldn't finish before the slouching teen had bounced off and began circling him with a searching eye. His face was a grinning sneer of contempt, as if he knew something but couldn't quite appreciate it. Fiddleford watched with his eyes, feeling the gaze and it's harsh, judging stare. He didn't know what else to do. This was his first impression, so he just stood standing stiff, waiting.

The Pines boy stopped, directly behind him. Fiddleford didn't turn to look, but instead felt as a voice leaned in and whispered,

"You stop to stare at them and I'll wring you by that white pressed collar of yours, got it?"

Fiddleford's mind spun at the threat. He was about to whirl 'round - to voice his hesitant confusion - when feet came pounding down the stairs.

Around the corner came another man, almost identical to the first. He looked between the other teen and his guest. Fiddleford felt his examiner jump away before hiding his actions with a casual stretch.

"Heya," He dropped his arms and gave a small wave. "Your nerd came. Right on time."

"Stanley." The second finished his descent and gave the first - Stanley, not Stanford, the pieces were beginning to fit - a scathing glare. He turned back to Fiddleford, looking much more friendly. "I hope my brother hasn't bothered you. I'm glad you came to work with me. I've been looking forward to it."

The sudden change in attitude from Stanley and his father to the new man standing in front of him almost had Fiddleford melting in relief. He let himself smile and stepped forward.

"Thank you. And thank you for the opportunity." He held out a hand. "Fiddleford. Fiddleford McGucket." He didn't try adding the other's name, though certainly it had to be Stanford, but ...

His partner paused, looking at Fiddleford's outstretched arm. After a moment's hesitation, the man put any misgivings aside and offered his own hand with a smile.

"Stanford Pines. Nice to meet you."

His shake was firm, though nothing like his father's, but that wasn't what made Fiddleford mentally pause. He could feel the breadth in the shake, and counted a whole of six surprising fingers. It was then that he felt Stanley's burning glare dig into his skull. Fiddleford forced himself to keep his eyes up and a smile planted on his face. They separated and Stanford looked to his brother.

"So what are you doing, loafing around here?"

Stanley relaxed and leaned against the wall.

"Bored. Carla canceled again." He grinned wider. "But hey - good news for you. Now I've got more time to annoy - *cough* - I mean hang out with you. Right?"

Stanford rolled his eyes, not amused.

"Not today Lee."

"Nonsense." Stanley jumped up and skipped over to his brother. "Come on. Let's go show your new assistant your egghead lab." He wrapped an arm around Stanford's shoulder and led him up the stairs.

Stanford cast an apologetic look back at Fiddleford and gestured for him to follow. Seeming the odd man out of the situation, Fiddleford trailed after. He began to ascend, only to catch Stanley sneak an evil smirk over his shoulder. The Pines stuck out his tongue and turned back around, continuing on. Stanford jabbed Stanley with an elbow and muttered an amused 'Be nice,' not unaware of his twin.

Fiddleford watched the two climb, their footsteps in sync, their bodies a crude reflection of the other. His new scientific partner, a man with six fingers. A provoking twin with an attitude. He let out a silent, shuttering sigh, and wondered what he'd just gotten himself into.

***

Here Now:

The doorbell rang and it wasn't till Mabel heard the tell-tale voice greeting her mother that she leaped off the couch and skidded to a halt, hands on her hips in front the older woman. Great Mrs. Pines straightened and leveled a cool gaze down at her grandchild.

"Well?"

Mabel beamed.

"27!" Her voice was laced with pride.

A small smirk crossed her grandma's lips.

"33."

Mabel's eyes widened in hurt and shock before she shook her head and set her expression with a determined look. Spinning on her heel she ran for the knitting needles while her mom rolled her eyes.

"She's twelve. Don't you think this running competition is a bit childish? You can't just let her win?"

Grandma Pines snorted and made for the kitchen.

"You kidding? I've a reputation to up hold. Ain't no kid gonna out-knit me."

Mabel began to fume to her brother in the background, all about how 'this time she'd make 100 and do it with PEARL stitching and everything!' and Grandma Pines gave a small, fond smile.

Mr. Pines came in and gave his mom a grin. They hugged, Grandma Pines cooing over her son and how big he'd gotten ('And fat. What're you doing putting on weight? You're wife shouldn't be tolerating that!' - 'Mom,') while Mrs. Pines glanced at her kids. She shut the sliding door between the living room and the three adults in the kitchen, her smile dropping as she turned back to her mother-in-law.

"So." She glanced at her husband and they shared a look.

All the playfulness emptied from the air. Grandma Pines straightened and put on a disapproving scowl.

"This is ridiculous. I didn't have to come out here just to tell you the same thing I did on the phone."

Mr. Pines sat down and his wife stepped over and leaned her back against the counter. Mr. Pines ran a hand through his hair.

"Look, I know what you said, I just - ," he glanced over his shoulder at his wife, " - we just, wanted to make sure it was fine."

Grandma Pines waved her hands, dismissing the idea.

"Of course it's fine. Thirty-five years I've relied on that man. Almost since you were just a gum-nibbling pain in my neck." She gave her son a wry loving smile before going on. "You're in a rough patch. You've got two kids. A wife. A house and bills. I don't understand what you've got against asking for a little money till you can land back on your feet."

Mrs. Pines bounced off the counter and stepped over.

"It's just that." She let out a sigh as she pulled out a chair and sat in it. "Well from what I've heard he's ... ," She frowned, unsure of just how to put her doubts into words.

Grandma Pines crossed her arms.

"I've known Stan Pines since he was a snot nosed teenager. He may have inherited some - ," She waved a wrist, unsure how to put it " - unsavory portion of the family business, but he's still the same knucklehead my brother-in-law always was. Why - I remember when one time Shermy had him in a head-hold, rubbin' up his hair and ... ," her eyes went distant as memories came back to her. A nostalgic smile grew on her lips as she stared at nothing, remembering the brothers and all their old shenanigans. She remembered laughing as her husband would tease his younger sibling and only her pity would get him to let up as she smiled down at the teenager's pout while Shermy would just laugh, and laugh, and laugh.

She'd loved his laugh.

She remembered a knock at her door. A police man on her front step. Standing outside the old place, the building nothing more than rubble in the ashes. How quickly she'd gone from numbed shock to sobbing tears. Not knowing where he'd come from, but finding herself a broken mess in her brother-in-law's arms as Stan patted her back, soothing the ache of the loss as she tried to piece together how she could possibly be widowed when she was barely even pregnant with her first kid. How her life was somehow still going when her husband's was already over and her kid's hadn't even started.

She banished the thoughts from her mind, her eyes focusing as she caught sight of the couple sitting in front of her, their worries for their own future palpable. She sighed.

"I'll talk to him. He'll give you the money. You'll be fine."

Mr. Pines folded his fingers together, his brow furrowed.

"I know he helped you when I was a kid, but now - I mean - ,"

"Get a job." Grandma Pines stood from her chair, wincing at a crick in her back. She straightened and glared at her son. "If you're so worried about it, find another job and get back on your feet. Yeesh, no wonder you're gaining weight. Sitting about so lazy all the time. Worrying more about things that don't matter that getting yourself back out there." She turned to head out. "Now where are those kids. I wanna spend some time with a few young'ins that actually have two cents."

Mr. Pines rolled his eyes.

"Mom."

She laughed, glancing over her shoulder.

"Yeah, that's right." She turned and slid open the door. "Hey, you two. Wanna play a board game or somethin'?"

Mrs. Pines let out a sigh and gave her husband a 'what can you do?' look.

Dipper went to get the board games from the closet, but his mind was turning the word's he'd eaves dropped around and around in his head. He knew about his great uncle, but distantly. He remembered meeting him once. A long, long time ago. Suddenly the man seemed even more mysterious than he'd imagined.

***

Deep in the heart of New Jersey, a well built, two story residence of considerable size, stood in proud condition. Too proud, some might say. It had modest decorations of the expensive variety decking the small stone steps leading up to the door, and a Victorian look that contrasted the rest of the urban city apartments lining the crowded street. The inside was no different. The furnishings looked torn between lavish excess and frugal penny-pinching. A cheep thrift-shop's sofa, cushioned with intricate throw pillows. Extravagant chandeliers, lighted with dim watted bulbs.

The handyman sure had his hands full with keeping the place up, but it was the secretary - a redhead - that rapped on the main office door with an expression of utter dispassion. A gruff voice called out - "It's open," - but Wendy Corduroy had already stepped inside.

Stan Pines glanced up from behind his desk and scowled.

"What's the point of knocking if you're just going to barge - ?"

"Mail." Wendy dropped a stack of letters onto the desk and they scattered across the other various papers.

"Hey." Stan straightened in his chair and began organizing.

Wendy turned with a flip of her hair and headed out. Stan stared after her, looking annoyed.

"Was that all you wanted?"

"Pretty much." She grabbed the door's handle and tossed it shut without looking behind her.

Stan rolled his eyes. He turned his attention to the envelopes, leaning back in his chair and flicking through them. Outside the office, Wendy sat back down at her own desk, picking up a magazine and kicking her feet up. Soos came by, holding a toolbox, baseball cap spun around on his head. He stopped when he came to his co-working giving her a quick wave.

The phone on her desk rang and she picked it up.

"Pines residence. What d'you want?"

Back in his office, Stan eyed an interesting note with no return address. He dropped the rest and grabbed his letter opener. Inside was a single piece of paper folded in three. It had just two sentences.

Nothing like coming back with a bang. You know what I want - watch out.

His shoulder's stiffened. He flipped it over, eyes searching for something else. Anything to better explain the note. He heard Wendy shouting from the hall.

"Hey! Police Department on line one!"

Stan's eyes jumped to his phone. The red dot was blinking over the number. Wendy shouted again.

"And don't ignore it this time. I think they said something about 'family' ?" Wendy turned to Soos and side whispered a comment. "Does Mr. Pines even have family?"

Soos shrugged.

Stan picked up the phone. A familiar voice could be heard on the other side.

"Mr. Pines?" It was the sheriff - Blubs.

Stan responded through gritted teeth.

"Speaking."

"Mr. Pines there's a lady here that says she's your sister-in-law. And uh, there are two kids. They called in a kidnapping. Some one broke into their house."

Stan was out of his seat, already stepping around his desk.

"I'll be right over." He hung up the phone before he got a response. Heading into the hall he sped for the door, his two employees glancing up at his rush. They watched him with their eyes as he pulled on his coat and hat. He was out the door heading for his car as he pulled out the phone in his pocket.

The dial rung and someone picked up. He spoke first, stopping with a handle on the red Diablo.

"Something's come up." He opened his door and got in. "We've got a big problem."

***