#yes I know he calls it aspergers but we all know what he means

[itsinmyear]

Anyway since this account has like 6 followers (hi!) I'm going to branch out a bit and have some other general music stuff.

First off:

I have a bad habit of not listening to new music from artists I know from...before. Before what? no idea. But there's a line my brain draws. Maybe what *my* lizard brain is worried about is finding out a beloved 80s band isn't making wonderful music now.

Gary Numan is a good example. Have you heard the phrase, "are friends electric"? That's Gary Numan.

Remember "Cars" (1979)? NERD.

But he kinda just ran with it, right into the darkness, dragging his electronic sound with him.

A lot of bands include him as a formative influence on their music - "everyone from Trent Reznor to Prince and The Prodigy to Afrika Bambaataa, Basement Jaxx and Kayne West". (source)

Cars, 2009 with Nine Inch Nails.

(side note: I love that Trent Reznor got so good that some of his musical influences are happy to make music with him)

I didn't really get into his music until 2003-ish. This kind of thing.

And he put out an album in 2021. While the rest of us were locked down not making sourdough bread, dude made an album. Show off.

But I haven't listened to it yet. Until now!

Still absolutely an edgy bitch. He's absolutely that nerd that tried to go angry goth, *but it actually worked*.

For more information, see: Gary Numan - Resurrection, a 2022 documentary. You see how great his wife is, and that his kids *like* him, and his music.

Oh - and he's got the autisms. And thinks it's fantastic, and that it really is the reason he was able to do all he's done. So that's cool. He's got some anxiety as well...and some depression...sound familiar?

and he's got this cat

[thenationaltreasuregazette]

ND for NT? Neurodivergence in National Treasure

(Abigail Chase Edition)

Last time, we took a look at whether Ben fits the DMS criteria for autism. Now it’s Abigail’s turn on my proverbial couch, but I thought we’d do it a little differently this time.

To change it up a bit, instead of the DSM, I have Rudy Simone’s List of Female Aspergers Syndrome Traits. The title might be outdated, but it’s a list of questions pertaining to masked autism. I thought it might be fun to go through these questions and see whether Abigail fits the bill.

By the way, there's no set number of answers that "pass" this questionnaire, and no one person is expected to have all of them. It's more about identifying trends of behavior.

Special thanks to @emmi-kat for providing some of the evidence

The questions come in four sections: Appearance/personal habits, Intellectual/giftedness/education/vocation, Emotions/Physical, and Social Relationships

This article will cover the first two, with a follow up next week.

→ The questions are like this

My responses are like this

Let’s dig in.

Part 1: “Appearance/Personal Habits”

→ Dresses comfortably due to sensory issues and practicality

Abigail dresses professionally in a style I’d call ‘tasteful and subdued.’ Based on that article about her wardrobe, the clothes we see her in are all high quality and rather expensive for what she probably makes as a government employee. You could read this as 1. The Friends Apartment Phenomenon (implausibly expensive bc its gotta look good on film) 2. She’s supposed to look stodgy and uptight when she’s positioned as an opponent to Ben’s mission. Once she joins him, she gets to dress like the rest of Team Treasure

3. Abigail invests in high quality materials due to sensory issues. For our purpose, let’s go with #3.

→ Will not spend much time on grooming and hair. Hairstyles usually have to be ‘wash and wear’. Can be quite happy not grooming at all times. 

Unlike a lot of leading ladies, Abigail’s hairstyles are very plain—outside of the gala of course. At work she wears a simple ponytail or half-ponytail, and on the treasure hunt she doesn’t even have an elastic. If I were her I’d be ripping up my expensive new Urban Outfitters getup looking for something to tie my hair up with, but she doesn’t seem bothered.

→ Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance

I don’t know that I’d call her ‘eccentric.’ Although, in the 2003 script, she’s a lot more openly dorky. For instance, she says: Looking stunning in her sparkly formal gown, Abigail stands with Dr. Herbert. ABIGAIL What do you think Thomas Jefferson would say if he were here?

→ Is youthful for her age, in looks, dress, behavior and tastes

For me, she’s the opposite. This is purely conjecture, but I’ve always assumed that Abigail has dressed, acted, and talked like a tenured professor since she was a kid.

→ Usually a little more expressive in face and gesture than male counterparts

I want to say a thing about masking in Book of Secrets but I do not have time right now. TBD

→ May not have a strong sense of identity, and can be very chameleon-like, especially before diagnosis

Someday I’m gonna write a whole article about Abigail’s arc of becoming a treasure hunter, but I choose to read her journey as one of unlocking an existing interest, not of taking on Ben’s identity because she’s hanging around him.

→ Enjoys reading and films as a retreat, often scifi, fantasy, children’s, can have favorites which are a refuge

No canon evidence, but send your headcanons my way.

→ Uses control as a stress management technique: rules, discipline, rigid in certain habits, which will contradict her seeming unconventionality

Yes yes yes. RILEY Ben, the… the mean Declaration lady's behind you.

→ Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment

Her seemingly newfound interest in treasure hunting contradicts this, but outside of those very specific circumstances I get the impression that yes, she prefers controlled environments. For example, before Ben shows up at the gala she’s wandering around alone, looking like she’s uncomfortable and possibly plotting when she can leave.

Part 2: “Intellectual/giftedness/education/vocation”

→ May have been diagnosed as autistic or Asperger’s when young, or may have been thought of as gifted, shy, sensitive, etc. May also have had obvious or severe learning deficits

Gonna give a solid check mark to “gifted and fshy.” This is headcanon, but I don’t see young Abigail being any other way.

→ Often musical, artistic

In a deleted scene from Book of Secrets we learn that Abigail restores old furniture, or at least that she “painstakingly restored” an antique chair that Ben found.

→ May have a savant skill or strong talent(s)

Well she’s the Charters of Freedom Custodian at like 35 so…

→ May have a strong interest in computers, games, science, graphic design, inventing, things of a technological and visual nature. More visual thinkers may gravitate to writing, languages, cultural studies, psychology

Not exactly what’s listed here, but I headcanon Abigail to have more of an interest in cultural history than Ben does. If Ben’s specialty is the “big names and big idea” type of history, I imagine Abigail is more interested in how ordinary people experienced the periods she studies. I have no evidence for this other than I really like cultural history and would like to project.

→ May be a self-taught reader, been hyperlexic as a child, and will possess a wide variety of other self-taught skills as well

Also purely headcanon, my personal take on Abigail’s childhood is that her family moved to the US when she was in third or fourth grade—whenever the big American Revolution unit is in her state. On one of her first days she was humiliated in front of the class by not knowing a really easy American History answer. (Like, Who was George Washington? etc). So she went to the school library and took out every history book they had. Pretty soon she’d exhaused the supply and moved onto the middle grade and then adult history books at her local library. Again, I have no evidence for this, but the pre-established ideas I had about the character seem to be fitting pretty well within this list.

→ May be highly educated but will have had to struggle with social aspects of college.

If her behavior at the gala (wandering alone, wanting to leave, dealing with reluctant advances) is any indication, she may have struggled with social gatherings in college in a similar way.

→ May have one or many partial degrees

Dr. Abigail Chase has at least one completed Ph.d. Uncompleted degrees are unknown.

→ Can be very passionate about a course of study or job, and then change direction or go completely cold on it very quickly

Not enough evidence either way. The only thing we see her go hot or cold on is Ben lmao.

→ Will often have trouble holding onto a job and may find employment daunting. Highly intelligent, yet sometimes can be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues

Does not appear to be the case.

→ Will not do well with verbal instruction - needs to write down or draw diagram

Does not appear to be the case. She seems to do fine working with Ben to decode the Ottendorf cypher and cooking up plans with Ian without notes or diagrams, at least that we see.

→ Will have obsessions but they are not as unusual as her male counterpart’s (less likely to be a ‘train-spotter’)

Gonna go back to: ABIGAIL What do you think Thomas Jefferson would say if he were here?

Conclusion

We still have two sections to go, but so far Abigail is lining up with the type of person described by these questions.

Actually, what I'm most interested in at the moment is how well the headcanons I already had formed about her fit this profile.

Onward!

[vaspider]

#this post made in honor of me being pissed the fuck off#that the low functioning person i know is constantly silenced for using ''wrong'' language#and the higher functioning person w Asperger's i know is constantly shit on for saying he have aspergers instead of autism#just leave people alone about their terminology#before yall come for me with ''but hans asperger was a nazi!'' yeah i know. that doesnt matter.#people are allowed to use their own words to describe thwiryown experiences. thats how this works.#feel free to not describe yourself as having aspergers aint no one forcing you to do that#but ffs leave other people alone#this post also made in honor of me so feel free to fuck all the way off#ugh#shit pisses me off#ih#add#me being problematic probably

Nope, sorry, you did not come to a Jewish person's post and be like 'but it's okay if we still call ourselves by the name of a Nazi who participated in killing off disabled people who were not "useful"'.

You've found my one line! Asperger's Syndrome is a bad term and should not be used because, wait for it:

We should not be venerating Nazis as if they made a positive contribution to medicine with their explicit eugenics.

You would think that this would be like, the one fucking logical line in this conversation, but apparently not!

I'm autistic myself, and actually, I think it's okay for anybody to say "could you please stop venerating a fucking Nazi".

Thanks for your contribution and all that shit but absolutely not. This is NOT what I am saying AT ALL and I am NOT okay with you stating this as if this is at all what I was saying or anything I would ever agree with. What the absolute fuckbutts is wrong with you, putting this shit on my post like a disabled Jew's gonna be like 'ah yes, now I see, I'm totally okay with people perpetuating the whitewashing of a Nazi's legacy'? How did you think that was gonna go over, or did you just not think about it at all, saying "yeah, I know he's a Nazi but that doesn't matter."

I mean, people can continue to call themselves 'Aspies' or say they have 'Asperger's Syndrome' even though they know they are literally continuing the veneration of a Nazi by doing so. They're physically capable of that, and I can't stop them. But! I can cheerfully reply that this makes them rotten cabbages that I don't want to be around, ever, and that this is absolutely not what my post was about.

hey

hey whoever is out there trying to police how cripples talk about our disabilities

stop your fucking toxic positivity shit

people are allowed to be sad about being disabled

we don't have to turn cripple into a positive thing, or crippled

we are allowed to express sadness, rage, depression, fear, upset, all of it over the things we can't do and the things we lose

we are allowed to say that our disabilities "cripple" us

we do not have to reframe it as a positive thing

that shit is poison to actually learning how to live well with your disabilities.

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS ABOUT YOUR OWN DISABILITY AND TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES WITHOUT SOMEONE TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR LANGUAGE AROUND YOUR OWN FUCKING EXPERIENCE

people are allowed to be sad about being disabled, and no, not just about how ableism impacts our lives. i am allowed to be FUCKING SAD that my disabilities are progressing and i can't knit anymore (maybe ever) or that i can't take my dog for long walks anymore

i am allowed

fucking stop it

[mizjoely]

Day 31: Champagne

Whew, made it! Only (checks calendar) 20 days late lol. Still, I did it! The last day of Fandom Christmas in August July Sherlolly fic for your reading pleasure!

Champagne

“Here’s to us.”

They clink glasses, sip down the bubbly sweetness of the champagne. He makes a face; she laughs.

The person watching them sighs wistfully, glances at their dinner partner. Makes to speak, hesitates, then simply tucks into their meal.

“Something on your mind, Molly?”

Molly shakes her head. “Nothing. It’s silly.”

“Are you wondering why we don’t go through all the same romantic twaddle as ‘everyone else’?” She doesn’t have to look at him to see his lip curling. “Like that couple across the way you’ve been sighing over ever since we arrived?”

“Chances are they’re not out on New Years on a case,” Molly mumbles, shoveling in another (exquisite) bite of asperges vinaigrette.

“No, they’re attempting to repair their faltering relationship,” he agrees/deduces. “He’s on his third affair, she’s seriously considering leaving him except for the fact of their two, no three young children. They’re doomed to failure of course; a serial adulterer rarely changes his ways. Which,” he adds with some exasperation, “she should know since she’s his second wife, the ‘homewrecker’ with whom he was carrying on while married to his first wife.”

“Fine, I get it, romance is dead,” Molly snaps, dropping her fork onto the table and glaring at him. So much for their tentative attempts at a relationship; she should have known they didn’t want the same things from it. For heaven’s sake, they hadn’t even got past the hand-holding stage yet, and it had been a month! “Happy New Year, Sherlock. Have you got enough information for your client? Because I’m quite ready to call it a night.”

“We can’t leave until midnight, which is only fifteen minutes away.”

Molly continues to glare at him. “Why not?” she demands, although she keeps her voice low in case anyone might be eavesdropping. Wouldn’t want to give the game away, after all, she thinks bitterly.

Unexpectedly, Sherlock reaches out and covers her clenched fist with his hand. “Because tradition demands it,” he says.

“Tradition? What tradition?” she asks. Because the only New Year’s Eve tradition that takes place at midnight that she can think of is - but no, surely not?

“Yes, we’re here for a case but I specifically asked you to accompany me so that we could be together at midnight so I could kiss you,” Sherlock says, confirming her surmise but looking down, as if speaking to the plate of lamb chops in cognac Dijon cream sauce set in front of him. He looks up at her intake of breath, his expression the most uncertain she’s ever seen it. “That is, if you’d like me to. I know this past year has been difficult, but now that my sister seems to be coming out of her catatonic state, I thought it might be the right time for…”

He falls silent as Molly rises from her chair, takes the few steps to reach his side, then slides onto his lap, uncaring of who might be watching. She winds her arms around his neck; his hands settle, somewhat uncertainly, on her waist. “I’ll wait till then if you’d like,” she says, “but if you don’t mind, I’d rather kiss you now, Sherlock. One kiss for this year, then another for the new year. Because frankly I think we’ve wasted enough time already, don’t you?”

“Couldn’t agree more,” he says, and their lips meet and eyes flutter shut and smattering of applause erupts around them that they’re far too involved with one another to notice.

Across the room the serial adulterer’s wife sighs and looks at her husband through unhappy eyes. “Why can’t you be more like that, Harold?” she asks. “With me, I mean.” She stands up, champagne and meal forgotten. “I’m going home. You can come if you like, but don’t expect to sleep in the same bed with me.”

“But Marge -” he begins, only to silence himself at her weary shake of the head.

“Don’t bother,” she says. “And don’t try to bring the kids into this - they’ll be unhappy but they’ll deal with it, somehow. Just like your other kids learned to deal with it when you left their mum for me. It’s over, Harold. I thought we could make a go of it but now I realize - we just don’t want the same things.”

And she walks out of the expensive restaurant, head held high, while Harold sits and gapes after her.

[justabunchofdragons]

[Start Video Transcription:

Clip 1 is of someone responding to a comment that reads “Exactly!!!! (Repeated exclamation marks) My sister is convinced she’s autistic and even if the psychiatrist doesn’t agree with that, she said that the diagnosis were misogynistic”.

The person says, “It’s very strange that all the girls that have “autism” (in air quotes) on here have like, extremely high-functioning Aspergers but it’s barely detectable.”

Clip 2: “Hi I’m Bree, and this is my DSM (holding up a copy of the DSM-5) and I’m diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and I’m going to tell you everything wrong with what you just said. But first, I have to say I’m pretty intrigued by you because I think that you’re one of those people who speaks really articulately but without any substance or knowledge and you get away with giving hot takes like this on the Internet because people just don’t know the difference between someone who speaks well and someone who speaks intelligently. But I digress. Your use of functioning labels and the term “Aspergers” lets me know that you have never been within spitting distance of this book, let alone read and comprehended the current diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder. And if you’re going to give takes like this on the Internet, you should probably spend about 10 seconds Googling so that you can make sure that your terminology isn’t outdated by about a decade.

First and foremost, yes. The diagnostic criteria for autism is misogynistic in the sense that it was based on boys. In fact, the literal Nazi that you are naming – Hans Asperger – believed that it only occurred in boys. We have a wealth of research now to let us know that isn’t true. The problem is, research is continuous and always evolving, and it takes a really long time for research to be reflected in the diagnostic criteria and for psychiatrists and psychologists to update their own education and begin to apply the knowledge to their autism assessments.

The DSM-5 text revision, which just came out at the end of 2022, is the first version of the DSM to contain a section about sex and gender related diagnostic issues, which clearly states (here, an underlined section of the DSM-5 is shown) “Girls without intellectual impairments or language delays may go unrecognized, perhaps because of subtler manifestation of social and communication difficulties. In comparison with males with autism spectrum disorder, females may have better reciprocal conversation, and be more likely to share interests, to integrate verbal and nonverbal behaviour, and to modify their behaviour by situation despite having similar social understanding difficulties as males.” So, this “barely detectable” (in air quotes) autism that you’re referring to is clearly reflected in the DSM as something called masking, and should be taken into consideration during diagnostic evaluation. Due to the fact that this was just added to the DSM, we’re going to have to catch up a little bit, meaning that a lot of teenage girls and adult women are going to be diagnosed with autism even though they went undetected as a child.

And a lot of us didn’t go undetected and just don’t know it. I ordered my medical records and found out that my paediatrician had made a note that he suspected I was autistic, and my mental health records from an agency between the ages of 11 and 19 had also documented multiple times that I was displaying traits of autism, but nobody at the agency was qualified to diagnose me, so I never got the diagnosis. I am lucky that when I was diagnosed at the age of 20, my evaluator was competent enough to know that my social deficit was impacted by masking, even before this version of the DSM was released. But not all psychiatrists and psychologists are that competent, and they also don’t all specialise in autism diagnosis. If you go see your regular psychiatrist who was treating you for something like bipolar disorder or OCD, and you tell them that you suspect you might actually be autistic instead, they probably are not qualified to evaluate you for autism, which is why you often leave without the diagnosis.

Being unable to find a qualified, professional who can evaluate you accurately does not mean that you are not autistic.  

Now that we’ve talked about professional diagnosis, let’s talk about self-diagnosis, which is recognised and supported by the autistic community and requires a whole lot more than just going on the internet and seeing videos of people and saying “Hey, I relate to that! I must be autistic.” People who are self-diagnosed get a copy of the diagnostic criteria and they compile somewhat of a binder that includes all of the autistic traits that they do have, and other behaviours. They interview family members to make sure that the onset was at the correct developmental stage. They tend to take tests like autism screening questionnaires, or the AQ, or the RAADS-R, to see if they are scoring within the range that autistic people score in, and most importantly, most of them seek out peer approval. Meaning they go to a person who is professionally diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, provide this binder to them, and say “What do you think?” Although there’s no research on this yet, I have been told by several professionals who evaluate for autism, that almost everybody who comes in self-diagnosed, leaves with a professional diagnosis.

Your theory that people with anxiety and ADHD are just using the autism label or are just getting diagnosed with autism because they feel like anxiety and ADHD are not being taken seriously anymore is not only absurd, but tells me that you know nothing about autism, because there is very little overlap between autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, and anxiety in terms of diagnostic criteria. There is a high rate of comorbidity though. Autistic people experience a very specific kind of anxiety, and a lot of autistic people have ADHD, so it’s not unusual for a person diagnosed with anxiety and diagnosed with ADHD to then be diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. That’s actually quite a normal progression of things.

Another thing that has caused a delay in identifying autistic girls is that autism wasn’t added to the DSM until the DSM-3, which was published in 1980. Now, autism has a genetic link, and it is pretty common if one person in your family is autistic, that there are other autistic people in your family as well. But my parents were born in the 60’s, and I was born in the 90’s, so my parents would not have been diagnosed autistic as children if either of them were, because it wasn’t added to the DSM until they were adults. For most of my generation, we didn’t have a documented genetic link, whereas for the generations that come after me as the first person in my family to be diagnosed autistic, they will have a documented, identifiable link to autism which will then make diagnosis easier for them if they are exhibiting traits of autism. Like, our awareness of autism is so new, that we’re still catching up from that, let alone catching up to additional research and changes to the diagnostic criteria.

Now, let’s talk about your follow-up video where you said that teens want to be autistic so they have a sense of community, but I can assure you as an autistic person, that community in my real everyday life is very limited. And I know what you’re thinking, “well, they want to have a community on the internet. But having community on the internet is no match for having community in person. And I know that because I came out as queer at the age of 12, having had zero community in person but I was a Tumblr kid. So I had a community on the internet, and I guarantee you it never once made me feel more loved, supported, or like I had a legitimate community to rely on. So, I’m not sure why anybody would intentionally other themselves in real life in order to have “community” on the internet.

What I think that you don’t understand and maybe your take is coming from being chronically online, but autism isn’t “trendy” in person. There is so much stigma attached to the diagnosis, and being openly autistic affects your education, your relationships, it affects everything and it others you.

Diagnosis is not an exact science, and there probably is a small number of people, both professionally diagnosed and self-diagnosed, that are not actually autistic. However, misdiagnosis, more frequently happens the other way around, where people, specifically women, tend to be diagnosed with things like bipolar disorder, BPD, OCD, anxiety, or ADHD, when in reality they’re just autistic.

Diagnosis is a privilege, and there are so many barriers to diagnosis that include things like race, sex, class etc. I’m sorry that we don’t present “autistic” enough for you on the internet, but I would love to see in a room with me while I have a meltdown and then try to tell me that my autism is “undetectable”.

If you’re wondering why you tend to see only low support need autistic people on this app, it’s because this app is most accessible to us, and the platform tends to push out our content more than the content of other people in the autistic community, which is really a shame because we want you to hear all of the voices of the community.

I swear, from now on, people that want to talk about autism like this on the internet, better be able to tell me off the top of their head what the diagnostic code for autism spectrum disorder is, and what changes were made to the diagnostic criteria for the DSM-5-TR, because if you cant do that, you just shouldn’t fucking be speaking on it.

I have heard a lot of uneducated takes about autism on the internet, but yours is by far the worst. And you’re doing a lot more harm to the actually autistic community than people who are self-diagnosing, so maybe just be quiet.

/End Video Transcription]

an eloquent take down of the "people are self diagnosing autism to be trendy and for attention" take that morons have been echoing on tiktok

[honestlyandrogynousnightmare]

A study in Sherlock Holmes (s1e1)

A Study in Pink is an introduction to these characters and this universe, it sets up key plot points that are expanded on and sets up some characters that are beautifully developed and expended on throughout the rest of the series.

Sherlock is presented as an abnormally smart, lonely, and to an extent, arrogant person that lacks a filter and can be rude and disrespectful through his deductions (honestly id say that this is a pretty accurate description of sherlock throughout the first two seasons) however, he isn't a total prick, and is shown to be nice to be around. 

Sherlock is ahead of everyone else around him, his brain works faster and that is also portrayed through the pace he is speaking at, unusually fast, with no doubt and a lot of confidence in the things he is saying. Quite early on, we also realise how dedicated he is to his job, as Sally said, he doesn't get paid. It becomes clear that he enjoys it (well not many people would jump around happily when they learn that there's a serial killer out there) which is what sets him out from normal people quite a lot. 

Now the key point: "I'm not a psychopath, Anderson, I'm a high functioning sociopath". I think when we are first introduced to this idea, its easy to believe. We don't start doubting that idea until the later episodes, especially towards season 4. Now whatever you may think about this, whether you really do believe he's a sociopath or you think its aspergers syndrome or (/and) ADHD, or something completely different, there really wasn't a reason to doubt this idea. It's made clear that he doesn't have any close bonds, even with his own brother. He doesn't seem to show any negative emotions when he sees a woman lying dead, and actually calls the case “fun”. This shows pretty well that he knows absolutely n o t h i n g about human nature or that he is simply unable to feel sympathy. For first time watchers, I think that it gives off the idea of a mixture of these two, however, over time it leans more into him just not having enough experience with humans. 

I feel like i have to talk about sexuality here, now you can believe whatever you want about his sexuality this is just my view, its alright to disagree. He pretty much denies being straight, saying that girlfriends “aren’t his [my] area”, he never actually denies that he is gay, only saying that he knows its alright. He does later go on to say that he “considers him[my]self married to his [my] work” which could mean a lack of interest. Some people also believe that he is asexual so that awkward conversation between him and John could be pointing at that idea. 

There is also a small introduction to his drug problems, he establishes that “nicotine patches help him [me] think” and I inferred that its what he used harder drugs for too. 

Lastly, something that really stood out to me was his confusion when John was laughing at the “welcome to London”. That small look of surprise always hits me, it also shows how he doesn't have friends or anyone to spend time with, therefore doesn't really get people laughing at his jokes or reacting positively to anything he says. 

Now onto the relationships we are introduced to:

First we see Sherlock and Molly. Sherlock is either completely oblivious to Molly's affection towards him, because he's not interested in her specifically, not interested in dating overall or isn't attracted to women. He does seem to take advantage of Molly's affection for him, whether its conscious or not, even through asking her to get him coffee. I think I read somewhere that Molly was only meant to be introduced for an episode to showcase Sherlocks arrogance (but evidently came back for more episodes because of how liked she was) and that kind of sums up their relationship, especially near the beginning. 

I've always seen Mrs Hudson as a somewhat parental figure to Sherlock, yes we have mummy Holmes but we never really got too much information about her until season 3. You can see that Sherlock does care for her, whether he wants to admit it or not. It's quite obvious through the hug honestly. Even from the first few minutes we can infer that Sherlock isn't all for physical contact and that hug shows that they have a close bond.

Now for Lestrade, it's clear that Graham relies on Sherlock quite a lot, whether he wants it or not (we can assume he doesn't really like being so dependent on him). He knows about Sherlocks drug habits and has known him for “5 years”. The fact that he has known Sherlock for quite a while but admits to not knowing much about him is quite telling about how closed in Sherlock is. He also clearly thinks sherlock is extraordinary talented, but lacks humanity in a way, I think this is particularly shown through the "he's a great man, he might even be a good one" phrase.

We only really get to see a glimpse of his relationship with Mycroft, but I think that even from the few minutes we get to see them interact, their relationship is conveyed perfectly. Though there is clearly a lot of resentment between them, Mycroft admits to caring about Sherlock. What's also important to note is that even Mycroft, the closest person to Sherlock probably, acknowledges that Sherlock doesn't have friends, and that he forming some sort of relationship with John is clearly odd behaviour. 

Anddddd lastly, John Watson. I love the contrast between John and Sherlock, mainly through the fact that Sherlock has the brains,  but is lacking heart, and John is the exact opposite, yes he is smart for an average human being but he is nowhere near as smart as Sherlock, but he does have the heart. I feel like they are made to complete each other and when they aren't together, something always ends up going wrong (though I will explore this when it comes to later episodes). They are also very similar in an odd way, they enjoy the danger they put themselves in. When John started doubting Sherlock slightly after Sally said that “he gets off on it” Sherlock was quick to point out that “he[I] said danger, and here he[you] are”. They both enjoy the adrenaline that solving crimes gives them, and its beautiful to see that while the characters evolve, change, mature and make mistakes, that doesn't change about them. 

Whoooooshhh that was a ride, anyways, i will try doing one of these a week if anyone seems to like them, let me know of anything you would add (i most definitely missed something) or just your overall thoughts, I’d love to hear them! Apologies for repeating myself so much, if you would like a summary then: Sherlock is a lonely genius. 

[popculturebuffet]

Scotrospective: Scott Pilgrim Vs the World (The Comic)

Hello, Hello, Hello scottaholics! And what a beautiful day it is: After decades lost in the lost woods, at least it had that catchy tune to keep it company, Scott Pilgrim Vs the World: The Game is FINALLY back and performing for you on all platforms!

Even Stadia, the platform most likely to disappear like this game did for a while! Cheap shots at the stadia aside as a huge fan of the franchise as a whole and of this game who played it back on the 360, and had since sold said 360 so I had no way to get it back or ever play the dlc packs. Seriously who didn’t want to play wallace but never got to? Everyone, everyone is the answer. But with those the entirety of what I consider to be the main cast is playable, it has online so you can beat up hipsters, guys in costumes and robots with your friends, it’s a good damn feeling.  And since i’m in a celebratory mood, naturally i’m also feeling like a review. And since it just so happens the next volume up in my look at the comics is Vs the World, seriously I planned this review for this month without thinking to have it come out on the same day as the game until a week or two in, I felt there was no better way to celebrate the biggest day for Scott Pilgrim fans in some time.. and for Brian Lee O Malley as he’ll stop getting twitter asks about it. So with all the exposition taken care of LAST TIME, and the link right there if your curious, we can jump right in. On with the show!

After our opening titles, and yes this comic has opening titles, with Ramona sitting solmely in the rain. 

And Scott caught in the title. The rain shot is real pretty by the way. But yeah once we get past those we’re taken back 7 years ago. Finn found out his father was an asshole, and voiced by Stephen Root so hey you take the good with the bad, Steven just learned the horrifying truth about Gem Monsters, Guardians of the Galaxy saved the MCU and I was trying to find work after college.. wait... sorry sorry that was 7 years ago from THIS year. The comic came out in 2005, though the comic takes place on a sliding timescale where only like 2 years pass so I dunno when this is. Let’s just say 98.  Okay so 1998: Bill Cllinton’s sex scandal breaks, and puts way too much of hte blame on the young intern whose life came to be defined by one stupid mistake she made with a man who was way older and should’ve known better, the tide of the Monday Night War turned in favor of the WWF as Stone Cold Steve Austin became a household name, and it was an utterly standup year for video game relaases with Ocarina of Time, Banjo-Kazooie, Crash Bandicoot: Warped, StarCraft, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, WWF: War Zone, Pokemon Stadium, Spyro The Dragon, Pokemon Yellow, WarioLand 2, Oddworld: Abe’s Exodus, Star Wars: Rogue Squadron, Pokemon: Trading Card Game and Sonic Adventure. It’s like someone took a good chunk of my childhood and squeezed it into one year holy shit, I did not expect this when looking up what came out in 98. 

And while the movie pool wasn't’ quite this amazing, we still had The Wedding Singer, The Big Lebowski, the dude abides, Batman and Mr Freeze: SubZero, The Truman Show, Mulan, the good one not the one made near concetration camps that makes her into a demigod, Saving Private Ryan, Blade, Simon Birch, Scooby Doo on Zombie Island, Rushmore, Bride of Chucky, HalloweenTown, Plesantville, and the Prince of Egypt. And in music Weird Al changed from his first signature look to his second, getting Lasik and growing out his hair. Seirously had no idea that was this year. Good to know. Also Elton John got his knighthood. Super shooters. I could go on with 1998 triva for days but I cannot go on for 8 weeks so let’s get to the point here.. during alllla this  Scott Pilgrim, age 16, was starting St. John’s Catholic School and a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble. . by threatning to beat him up for no real reason. A fight insues and we cut to the principal’s office as Scott’s still a minor and not allowed to get into death fights just yet under the people’s freedom of choices and voices act. 

It’s here he meets Lisa Miler, a peppy and sarcastic blonde, who’s intrigued by the fact Scott somehow got beat up after being here just 15 minutes and wants to be friends. Naturally for scott next we see him he’s busy playing video games, and annoyed someone else is around and wondering who this person whose now in his basement is. God no wonder teenage me related to him. So for the next few pages we see their friendship in time lapse: Lisa joins him at lunch, then geninely wonders since Scott’s Untentionally a dick if he hates her.. it’s part of why I think Scott has some form of autisim. And not just because I tend to belivie a character is on the spectrum all the damn time, it’s because of the way he acts: while he is nice and charming at times.. he also clearly has trouble relating to people or realizing how his actions effect them and as seen here in a younger form can often be compeltely distanced from normal social queues, not getting how his actions might be seen until Lisa outright talks to him about it. I mean.. it’s not a huge stretch, and it dosen’t mean he’s nto responsible for his own actions, but it does EXPLAIN a lot of them better: why he just sorta forgets about Knives post-ramona but at the same time still cares enough he dosen’t want to hurt her despite you know, that ship sailing just by having moved on. 

But now the two are friends and his parents, who we meet for the first time and sister inquire about her being his girlfirned.. and by next jumpcut his parents apparently don’t want him hanging out with girls? What exactly the fuck? Also they mention Laurence, Scott’s brother whose missing for most of the books and has no real payoff for not being around. Next cut we get KIM!

Thank you Prissy. And she’s.. not all that different, assuming, correctly that their partner project, how she meets scott will just result in her doing all the work.. which not only is how these things usually went when I was in high school a decade later, but reminds me of the time me and my friends curtis and justin were put on a project and when asked who the alied powers were, guessed “Germany?”.... you can understand my fear. And also Curtis punching him for getting nothing done.. and not hard or brutally mind you just once quick in the gut and with full warning. Ah... the adaquate old days. 

So back to Lisa as, since Scott’s Mom has a guitar.. a fact I.. never honestly thought about. Seriously I never realized her children, since the Bass Scott has for most of the books is Laurence’s, getting into music was probably due to her. Also Lisa makes her case for WHY be a band: the school has a regular event called Lunchapalooza, where everyone goes to and since by teen logic, just being in a band is automiacally cool, she figures they can jump from not QUITE being in any cliques to being super cool. Which honestly yeah... while I didn’t know any bands in high school, the fact one of my friends, ironically named Scott, was a DJ automatically made him pretty damn cool once he got past his awkard phase. I never got past mine but somehow was loved by all except that one douchey kid in our group who mocked me for naming my Luxray kim, assuming it was based on Kim possible and not Kim Pine... though frankly how that’s an insult when Kim Possible was a fucking awesome show and character is beyond me but he was just 17 and also a douchebag, it didn’t have to make since it just had to piss off the easily pissed off kid with aspergers. So Scott poses how they can be a band with just their guitars and Lisa concedes drums WOULD help.. I mean it’s what MADE Shallow Gravy. 

So while Kim wonders if Scott is dating Lisa, because teenagers don’t really get girls and boys can be friends without wanting to be together, though not often as teenage boy brains can be rather stupid and horny... can confrim from personal experince. So it becomes clear Scott has a thing for Kim, and when Scott tries broaching it with Lisa she dosen’t take it well and he backpedals to asking her to be her drummer and plans to monday, proving Scott has somehow not gotten better at reading women, or anyone after 7 years. Can relate. 

So yeah he decides to ask Monday, same day as their presentation.. and thankfully missed the bus as he arrives to find the Benvy Tech boys came in, took everyone out and abducted Kim. Because yeah, just in case you were wondering Scott’s life was always like this.. or was it? Questions for later. So one Canadian Version of River City Ransom later, Scott’s made his way to simon... who, since most of you have probably seen the movie or art of the movie.. looks an AWFUL lot like Gideon. Hrmmm. Simon is naturally the final boss here and wonders if this is the best St. Joels can muster. Scott quips back as only Scott can. 

So cue an unsuprisingly awesome actoin sequence. IT’s part of why I love these color editions: While they already LOOKED thoroughly fantastic the added colors really help the series shonen manga meets old school video game vibe REALLY fucking pop. So Simon pleads mercy which like Scott delivering a good quip.. should’ve really been a red flag to younger me and is foreshadowing for later in case I was too subtle. He then does what any noble hero would do.. kicks simon into the sunset, tells Kim how he feels and asks her to play drums. They then make out. Awwww. 

Lisa suprisingly takes it well as the next montage shows.. granted we’ll learn in Feburary she wasn’t QUITE as over scott as it seemed, but the three, along with a friend of Lisa’s whose name I forgot and who DOSEN’T come back so I’m not going to bother learning, form their own friend group, Scott and Kim get an A, and Scott, Kim and Lisa’s band is dubbed sonic and knuckles, which is an objectively awesome band name. Something the series really does great: Video Game Based Band Names. Crash and the Boys, Sex Bomb-Omb, Clash at the Demonhead... we need more bands like this in the real world dammit. So then they play their big game, the two loose their vrigniity.. and then Kim asks scott “your moving to tornoto?” And.. for now.. that’s that. 

While the framing of that will be VERY important in the last volume, as notice how KIM’S the one who brings it up and it’s not explicitly stated scott actually told her, this flasback is great. While it does contribute to the volume’s drifty pacing, more  on that as we go, it brilliantly sets up a LOT of stuff for later, paticuarlly Lisa who I assumed wouldn’t be back and younger me’s jaw fucking DROPPED when she popped up in Volume 4. Granted i’m spoiling that suprise for you now but odds are most of you reading this have either alreaddy read these or were probably wondering if the girl from the animated short ever had any actual relevance in the books. So yes, yes she does. She’s also the pink haired girl you see pop up in the game in the background, as a nod to O’Malley’s comic strip style which had her and Kim as the leads.  Also yeah for fans of the game or movie or even the comics who were unaware.. this prologue got an animated adaption on adult swim to promote the movie. Naturally Micheal Cera and Allison Pill reprised their roles as Scott and Kim, with Mae Whitman voicing lisa.. and honestly being perfect for the roll, and Jason Schrwartzman voicing Simon naturally. While the animation is slightly limited, it still looks decent and expertly translates O’Malley’s art, while sliming things down slightly where needed to fit a short, and the anmation takes a huge bump for the fight scene which like the comic is short but awesome. While it has no real bearing on the film as Kim’s former relationship with Scott never really comes up or has any impact, as the Film while good was based primarily on volumes 1-3 with small pieces of 4 (paticuarlly the iconic “Lesbians gag”), with Wright working off outlines and drafts of 5 and 6, so the last half hour or so is mostly Wright’s invention. 

Not a bad thing as it’s still awesome and not o’malley’s fault but it means kim dosen’t get to do much, and is a big reason why I want an adaptation on netflix or hbo max. While i’d still want changes both because there’s no sense doing an adaptation if your not going to make some tweaks of your own and because it’d be intresting to update the series to modern day, both in societal conventions and so everyone stops saying the r word. Seirously the most telling sign of the series age is that word showing up quite a bit during the first half of the series. Point is there is merit in doing another remix of the story and doing a longer form one so we can get more of the characters, as well as flesh out ones like Steven, Neil (Who was done WAY better in the movie adaptation thanks to the wonderful Johnny Simmons), and Stacey who got the shaft in the books. Again, not slagging off the movie, it’s really great. Just saying there’s always room for more Scott Pilgrim content and we all know it. 

We’ll get back to the comic proper, and the present day of 2005, after the cut. 

So the story proper opens with Scott dreaming of playing video games... because of course he is with Ramona walking in. and finding it charmingly pathetic but wanting her boyfriend to you know, get out of bed. It’s 11:30.  So with Scott’s ass out of bed, we find Scott, Age 23 idiot with a heart of gold and Wallace, 25 king of all gays, on the bus as they talk it getting warmer and Lucas Lee, movie star and jason lee stand in coming to town to film a movie.. and Scott being Scott gets him confused for Luke WIlson. He’s also seen Bottle Rocket which.. good on him. Seriously while not wes anderson’s best film, those were made long afte this comic was published, it’s still a damn good one.. where was his career at this point... looking it up life aquatic was his most recent films and is still one of my favorites. So yeah he was in a good place career wise. 

Scott proudly talks about having Ramona over in a couple days so she can see his place and meet Wallace. But as explained by Wallace for those of us just tuning in, he already met her last volume. You know during that time Stacey thought she could magically make her date not be attracted to someone else.. and yes even almost a month later not letting that one go. Stacey should know better. Not saying i’ts right Wallace keeps poaching her boyfriends, but she still shoudlnt’ try and force a relationship with a guy or even finish a date with one who makes out with someone else, regardless of gender, mid date. She deserves better. In general not just in this one scenario but we’ll get to that. 

Point is while Scott, as usual, is a bit pissy about this Wallace.. has no time for that and issues an ultimatium

And he’s not bluffing, as he fully intends to tell Ramona the minute she walks in the door if he dosen’t break up with Knives. It really shows Wallace off at his best and why he’s Scott’s closest friend: Kim and Stephen do care about him but Kim both has a LOT of unresolved issues and sexual tension with him and keeps eveyrbody including Scott at arm’s length. And Stephen.. while he will OCASIONALLY call Scott out mostly just enables him, either ignoring his college buddy’s shittier behavior or playing along with it and backing him up when Kim rightfully calls him on being a dickhead. While both love their friend they just aren’t the best at dealing with his shit or getting why he does the things he does good and bad.  Wallace on the other hand geninely likes Scott. He’ll lock him out of the house and tell him to sleep elsewhere so he can bang one out, he’ll not wear pants if he dosen’t have to and he’ll certainly hit on Scott just to get a rise out of him, phrasing.. but he also genuinely cares for the guy’s well being. He lets him sleep in their house basically rent free since scott has no money, buys most of their stuff, and is, as we’ll see in this one, the ONLY one of his friends to take an active part in the fight against the exes, training Scott and researching his opponents when he can get info. He won’t baby Scott as seen here, but he will help him, and he will be the harsh voice of reason his friend needs.  And he did TRY doing a softer approach last time, simply telling scott to break up with his fake high school girlfriend. Scott had every chance to dump Knives during the last third of the first book.. it’s just a combination of both Knives and Ramona being in the same place and Scott getting panicky meant he balked. He NEEDS to be pushed into leaving Knives or he’s not gonna. And he also gets it’s not just Scott being a shifty coward: Scott DOES like Knives.. he just found someone who actually challenges him, intrests him and connects with him on his level, versus someone who worships and adores him like a puppy who just happens to be skilled with knives. The relationship with Knives. was an ego boost, an unequal paring that gave Scott the illusion of moving on from Envy. Ramona is him ACTUALLY moving on and given how badly Envy fucked him up, which comes into play in this book and the next, Wallace recognizes that Scott does need her... but this relationship can’t go anywhere if Scott is seeing someone else, and they both know it. Wallace is just the one who’s willing to do something about it to force scott to do something about it. He’s doing this for Knives too: it’s very clear he cares about the girl, was against this from the start, and knew this was going to end in pain and the faster Scott rips off the Band-Aid the faster she can move on to someone closer to her age and far more equal to her. Scott.. takes this about how you’d expect, even calling Double Standard, as Wallace does sleep around.. and while Wallace will be a homewrecker to Stacey.. otherwise it’s not remotley the same. Wallace does his sleeping around either casually or when he does get a partner, with their consent from what we can tell. He never cheats or anything, he just likes to bone. So yeah Scott doesn’t have a leg to stand on and acts accordingly. 

One of my faviorite gags in the series and one that’s etched in my head for keeps. So with a justified Ultimatium over his head Scott calls knives to hang out. Knives.. shows off that as adorable and trusting as she is.. she’s also kind of creepy and shows up just outside the phone booth he’s calling her from.  So the two go to a record store and Knives tries to get Scott into Clash at the Demonhead, her faviorite band. But since i’ts you know, headlined by Scott’s ex as we’ll find out, he’s not into it. But before that can get awkward.. it gets awkward in another way as Knives invites Scott to dinner at her parents place. Which is an objectively bad idea even before you get into the fact Scott wants a way out and as Volume 4 will show us her dad is both not happy with the idea of her dating a white guy and willing to use a katana to prevent it so he dodged a bullet there. Scott TRIES weasling out of it, but his “I’m too old for you” thing falsls on deaf ears.. and actually explains why she thinks this is normal: her parents are 9 years apart. of course obviously two consenting adults with a decade between them is a mite bit diffrent than 5 years between a teenager whose taking this way too seriously and a grown man whose taking this not seroiusly at all and dosen’t get how effed up this is. But Knives is too naive to get that, and papers over any possible concerns about her parents not wanting her to date a white guy with i’m in love.  Seeing that he has no EASY way out of this, as he shouldn’t, Scott just rips off the band aid and bluntly breaks up with her, saying it’s not going to work out. Knives.. is clealry devistatd. To her this was a serious relationship.. and Scott realized that too late.. and thankfully while he didn’t break up with her in the best way, at all, simply syaing i’ts not going to work out and confirming to her he means it, it’s clear from his face this hurts to do and he knows he’s REALLY hurting her and REALLY shoudlnt’ of dated her to begin with. IT’s why Scott dating a teenager dosen’t make him a morally rephrenisvie monster: because he was genuinely intrested, didn’t use her sexually, and there are tangible consequences for his actions. Knives just dosen’t disappear neatly into the sunset so he can be with ramona. The rest of the series covers her emotoinal recovery from being with Scott, and how she very horribly handles it and that’s why this plotline works at all: she’s not some act one contrivance to be thrown away, sh’es a human being, and more than that a young woman who got hurt REALLY bad and got way too in over her head with someone who just..wasn’t the one fo rher no matter how much she can’t admit that. 

We also get one of my faviorite sets of pages as Scott relfects on things and the sheer devistation on Knives face, which credit to a series that even at this early point loves it’s big bold facial expressions.. her’s being more subded just makes it sting MORE. 

This bit to me is vital to keeping Scott sympathetic and to his character. We see he really does regret what happened, dosen’t know how to process it and genuinely feels awful. As I said instead of some exgerated face that would still hurt him.. her face is quiet, clearly unable to process this and clealry lost and hurt.. and that hurts more than any fuck your or sobs he was probably expecting. Just her clearly not getting WHY he’s doing this or why he hurt her, and he KNOWS why he just knows telling her the truth would hurt her even more. But.. as he thinks.. his thoughts move to something else.. and the WHY of why he did this. 

He did it for Ramona. Wallace was as harsh as he was right: he needed a clean slate to actually give this relationship a shot and the smile comes off less as him being a calous dick whose just happy to move on, I mean he is a little, but more jus tsomeone READY to finally move on. He found the right person, he let the wrong one go if clumsily.. he has a future to look forward to and he can smile about that. 

Granted he’s still his usual unteitonally callous self and his way of telling his friends he and knives broke up is to casually say so and say “dont’ worry you’ll meet my new girlfriend soon.” Their reaction.. is my own. 

Look just because Scott is a nuanced douchebag dosne’t stop him from being a Douchebag. It just means he isn’t intolerable to watch and you actually care about him growing as a human being is all. 

So with that out of the way, it’s date night and Ramona is coming over.. also Scott is considering calling her Ramy which no. I'm genuinely in favor of a pet name that’s just a variant on someone’s name but a bit cute, as it’s just the right level of obnoxious, but no, just no Scott. No.  Ramona enters, meets Wallace again and sits down while Scott tries to shoo him out.. because turnabout is fair play bitch. They also see Ramona’s new hair as she dyes it something new for the first time, in this case a very lovely two tone, the purple from last volume but with a darker purple bellow it. I honestly wish she went for multiple colors in her hair again, but likely didn’t since the book was originally in black and white... which still dosent’ make sense as it would’ve been EASIER that way. Regardless Wallace makes himself scarce proving that he’s more than willing to be equal in terms of one of them spending the ngiht elsewhere. What a guy. 

Ramona finds out a few things about Scott: That his apartment is VERY small, just one room with a bed, a cabinet, a small kitchen and a bathroom, which despite what scott says I REALLY dont’ count as another room. Just common sense. She also learns that he can COOK. Yeah while you’d expect Scott to just get a wad of “I did the ultimatum thing okay now gimme” money and buy dinner but no.. he made the whole thing himself from his own recipe.  And once we cut to them eating on the floor.. turns out yeah he not only can cook but is REALLY good at it. She wishes there was a table which, small as the place is.. fair point. I mean at least get some tv trays. You have chairs. Or at least the easy chair. You can get nice padded folding chairs so you have a second chair guys. I know your poor but come on. Also Scott leanrs bread makes you fat. Good stuff. Also Scott freaks out when , while making out with Ramona in bed later, she mentions his hair’s getting kinda long and could use a cut... which turns out to be a thing for him. He isn’t an ass about it he just panics a bit because he’s partially convinced his last relationship’s nightmarish breakup was because of a bad haircut he got. As we’ll see next week, that’s a no but as someone whose a touch neroutic myself I get blaming a larger issue on something trivial. 

So we then get to the next chapter where it’s KIM’S turn to have a dream.. and the only time we see someone else's dreams. Honestly.. I really would’ve liked if it was a recurring device, even have Ramona pop into other people’s Not used ALL the time but I could easily see it being used with Knives to convey her obsession with Scott and her pain or kim again to help move her plots along or Wallace because I want to know what’s going on in his head. It must be a maze of male gentalia and fine liquor the likes of which has never been seen. It’s scotts funeral as Simon killed him and Scott’s corpse wonders if she dreams about this a lot. 

So we see her get ready and wake up her roomate Sarah whose a bitch. And as we’ll see in one of the backups, so’s the rest of her roommates. So drifting into work. Hollie is a character I really liked... the past tense will be explained later. And the first scene is probably why as her and Kim banter effortlessly, with Kim suggesting maybe she was a happy kid... only to admit quickly no she wasn’t, she was pretty withdrawn and then pretty angsty over someasshole who will be named Scott. “Your a holy terror kim, and i’m glad your on your side”> It’s a short scene but the kind this series excells at: just realistic, fun little exchanges bursting with character. I also GENUINELY wish we got more of this kind of thing, as only Knives really gets these kind of scenes to herself for the most part. There ARE scenes without Scott, but not enough like this that just give us as look into what his friends lives are like during the moments they aren’t putting up with his dumbassery or watching him engage in mortal combat. It’s why i’ve been hoping a spinoff will happen even though it likely won’t SOON. I’m sure O’Malley will return to this world some day, but between Snotgirl and Wicked World, which will come out when it’s ready but should be good.. he’s just really busy. But i’d love to see more of Kim.. or Wallace or Knives. The latter two are a no brainer: Knives is the tritagonist of the books, and it’d be intresting to see what she’d be like 5 years at the book, at the same age and stage in life as Scott. And with Wallace it’s because we really DON’T see his friend circle, life or what goes on with him. We hear him talk about a new boyfriend, who we don’t meet until near the end of the series, though you can see him in stage 3 of hte game if your curious, we see him with some random friends in volume 4, but we really don’t KNOW what hyjinks and lojinks wallace gets up to. He’s pretty isoalted from the rest of the main cast, something I hope an adaptation could fix as while realistic i’td be curious to see what his relationship with Kim or Steven would be like. Just food for thought. 

Point is this was a good scene. But as is typical for Kim’s life just when she has some serenity her ex crashes back in. In this case Scott needs to rent some movies, kim works at a rental store and god teenage me really wanted a clerks style spinoff.. but enough spinoff talk. Scott asks kim to bororw them, of course and explains he’s training for his fight with Lucas.. which Kim reacts to finding out her second best friend is in a series of death matches. 

She has understandable questions such as how the hell doe she know that and is he stalking Lucas and just hoping he’s an ex.. which let’s face it would be a very scott move. But nope Wallace told him, likely learning in an interview he dated Ramona or is coming for scott because he knows everything. We also get one of my faviorite exchanges when Kim wonders why Wallace and Scott are roomates.. a valid question he deflects by saying i’ts a long story. 

Also yeah, as much as casting Micheal Cera backfired for the movie.. that panel there proves there wasn’t another choice at the time. When you want a loveable, somewhat douchey, but also somewhat innocent and oblivious slacker.. who you gonna call. Also before we move on.. Kim.. how are you this suprised. You were there for the fight with Matthew. And Ramona giving out the exposition on why he’s there.. and you even did that whole weird space channel 5 thing no one ever did agian and to this day I will never understand what O’Malley was going for and only know the refrence by hearing that’s what it was. Point is you shouldn’t be this suprised.  Anyways we next cut to Ramona and Stacey, as Ramona enters her workplace, second cup, and they talk and Scott’s spider sense goes off... 

I mean it’s just a bad feeling but still.. weird. WE’ll get back to that later. Scott is in the middle of his training.. and I love the mentor side of Wallace and feel it didn’t get used enough as the series went on. As said before he cares about Scott, so he serves as his Shounen Mentor and a great one: he’s stern and makes Scott work, but he also gets his student and what Scott needs to work. I just wish he’d taught Scott some actual combat, but as we see Wallace’s combat skills boil down to yelling useless info from the sidelines.. I mean he can be useful, we’ll see that next week, it’s just he’s not an action guy. But spirtually he’s the guy scott needs to kick his ass into shape. That being said his “training” consists of watching Lucas’ movies, playing tony hawk and when Scott wants to play more Tony Hawk, having Scott do pushups while Wallace plays Tony Hawk.  Before we turn... there is an elephant in the room I just gotta shoo out: Lucas.. is easily the worst setup of the 6 exes. Patel SEEMINGLY comes out of nowhere but his letter and email hint SOMETHING is coming up, and his flashy dynamic entry intro is damn cool and is what turns the series on it’s head, from an indie comic about a guy getting it together.. to that but with huge shonen dustups with epic visuals. Todd is introduced masterfully here, and is a presence from the start of volume 3 as a result, Roxie gets a slight tease in the free comic book day issue, and her not attacking for two months not only sets up tension but allowed for a red herring.. im’ not only hiding that the fourth ex is a she because anyone whose seen the movie or played the game knows the fourth ex is a woman. The cat’s out of the bag, no sense hiding it. The Kentangis show up pretty early on and Gideon is hinted at and built up, as this towering, mysterious figure, his relationship with Ramona, who he is, why he set up the league, and just how fucking strong he is is all obscured, with his only four apperances simply teasing the big final showdown and giving him that much more mysitque. 

Lucas.. is just sorta intorduced like “Hey I gotta fight this guy”. There’s just.. nothing. Scott’s just gotta fight him because he’s next up and Wallace knows that because plot convience. It’s VERY lackluster given what comes before.. and frankly while I like Lucas, he’s the weakest plot and character wise. HE’s not even really EVIL, just a sellout and is more doing this because he has to I guess, and likely because of stuff we find out in Book 6 but sssssshhhhh. We’ll get more into that when the fight happens but it’s one of the books weakest points. The evil ex.. just feels like an afterthrought again despite there being no reason to. Thankfully this would never happen again as I said, but it dosen’t make this any less frustrating. 

So we cut to Sex Bomb-Omb practice, and after that we get more tease for Clash at Demonhead. And Stephen.. is cool with them and entirely happy one of them made it, while Scott is understandably pisssed off about it and not happy one of his best friends is you know, promoting the band of his ex who broke his heart and as we’ll get more into next time, said rising career is what tore them apart. So yeah Stephen’s a dickhead, and I was wrong last time that he got better. He really.. dosen’t. He gets less CREEPY.. but out of the main 6 characters he’s the weakest: he dosen’t have much of an arc, does some very questionable shit in the second half, and his being around means we have to suffer through Julie. I’ll tear into him more on a case by case basis but for once Scott’s not overreacting. While Kim does nothing she also has no idea just HOW bad things were and Scott won’t tell her. Stephen was there the whole fucking time. He just saw Scott’s rebound with a teenager. He knows he was kind of messed up after this. Dosen’t justfiy knives but still he looses the moral high ground he tries to have at times. 

So while Scott shops a song for Ramona to her, Knives calls Scott’s place clearly setting up another suprise apperance. Wallace.. figures out what sh’es doing quick and simply gives her a stern “You have to go” And to me it’s not him being a dick.. he’s both trying to save her from seeing Scott with Ramona and fucking her up worse... and is looking out for her. She needs to move on and moving up to stalking Scott’s not going to help that. Scott dosen’t WANT her anymore, and while he handled it bad, Wallace gets she needs to see that. Granted he could’ve you know explained it to her and tried talking, but as i’ve said he’s not a perfect person and he was also on a time table to get her out of there in case Scott you know, showed up with his new girlfriend and made things a billion times worse. And the two are indeed headed to his place to watch one of Lucas’ movies, and part of that weak setup is that Ramona.. just has no connection with him. It was high school. Scott also pretends he dosent’ remember his. You are a lying liar sir stop that.  So they watch the film together hanging out, and it’s.. really bad. The good one was rented out. I miss rental stores.. a magical time. I mean i’ts better now, streaming means 80% of movies are avaliable if you have a bunch of services and even if you just have netflix or hulu or hbo max, you still get a pretty decent selection each month. Plus digital rentals are super easy. Do miss redbox though. I mean it’s still there I’m just warry of something that relies so heavily on touching things in a state with a lot of trump morons. You CAN get Covid twice and I don’t wanna. Also we get some dated Dialouge as Scott commenting on Lucas being hot, he is good taste Scott, is given a “good job convincing me your not gay”. He and ramona end up having sex though so .. yay? I dunno. The series has a really weird thing about not getting bisexuals exist and as someone whose bi, and really against bi errasure it bothers me, it bothers me a lot. Though given O’Malley apparently has not only far more queer rep in snotgirl but a bisexual lead, he’s clearly learned so i’m not going to drag him too hard on this. It was the early 2000′s. People were pretty damn stupid about this. Creators have gottten MUCH more important issues much worse. 

So the next morning, Scott gets a call from his well meaning but ditzy mom, and reacts like you’d expect. His parents are in Europe to keep them out of the action and what not. Though apparently according to the last book his mom did read volume 3 at least. Or Wallace told her about the relevant bit. You make the call. 

So i’ts Ramona’s turn to meet Sex Bomb-Omb. The group hang out and discuss Gordon Downie. 

Look I don’t know indie bands. I have no idea who the tragically hip are I just know the name is really hipstery. We also get the recipe for Vegan Shepards Pie. None of them are vegan they just wanted to try it and I.. really want to make this some time. Just to see if it’s any good. But yeah it’s in general a fun casual scene, as Kim reveals she and Scott dated, just to break the tension, and Scott tries out Rammy but quickly backpedals. Just fun slice of life stuff. Oh and Knives is watching them from the window and takes Scott dating someone else as well as you’d expect. 

So she gets some hair bleach to do some highlights and calls her friend Tamara over. We met her last volume as she dragged her along to the show, but it’s here we really get to know what she’s like.. i.e. the sane one in the duo, rightfully pointing out Scott’s not that great. Also Knive’s points out ramona’s “fat”, which is thankfully portrayed as petty sniping as while Ramona does have some curves it’s you know.. not remotely a bad thing and the kind of thing a teenage girl would harp on. Still she’s just in STEPS from this happening. 

But yeah.. it’s clear here Knives has some underlying issues to address and really needs therapy  not to go after her ex’s current girlfriend with knives. I mean it’s in the name but still. Then again volume 4 has her dad going around with a katana or something like it wanting to murder her daughter’s older ex boyfriend he dosen’t realize is ex so it’s clear her whole FAMILY needs some therapy. But this does round her out and show there’s more to her.. a pretty violent and obessive side sure, but it shows she wasn’t just some one dimensional ego boost for scott but a person. One whose just as flawed as the rest of the cast.. but more sympatheic because they’ve all got about 6 or 7 years on her and at this age that’s a lifetime. And while Scott DID set this off by dating her which was objecitvely a bad idea... the rest of this isn’t remotely on him. He handled things BAD.... but all he wanted was for both of them to move on. Knives.. simply can’t admit Scott is not a nice person, was probably two timing her as Tamara points out, which as we know he 100% was, and is not some perfect guy she can’t replace: like Knives.. he’s just a person with faults and she’s too blind to see that. 

So before we can get to the crazy stalker ninja fight, let’s instead get to Scott and Ramona hanging out where we meet Gideon, Ramona’s Cat who i’ll call Cat Gideon, both because I love steven unvierse and because it’s less confusing. This is a pretty slight scene as Ramona admits not a lot happened with Lucas and Scott’s apartment is a hole.. which yeah, yeah it is. Also she DEFINTLY dind’t cheat on him with any cocky pretty boys. Which would come off worse if it wasn’t for the pact Ramona was clearly doing it out of regret and Scott just liked like 50 pages ago about rembering his exes when one of them is his second best friend.. which neither would admit but you know it’s true. Stephen is third where he belongs. 

So next morning it’s fight time, and Scott is glad wallace is going with him. It’s awkard going to fights alone. Which leaves me to wonder if before this comic Scott just.. fought random guys letterkenny style. Like they’d call up, schedule it and then he and one or more of his friends would go beat up a guy. It’s just.. hilarious knowing that this kind of thing is common in canda minus the ki attacks , flash effects, wizards, vegan psycics, ninjas, and roboticists. But damn I now want a scott pilgrimized letterkenny now more than ever. You know you do too don’t deny it. I”d love to see the hard right jay fight but iwth a loud “KO!” when he gets his ass knocked out. Also Casa Loma is a very real, very cool Toronto location, as I never realized as a kid, to the point that the lucas fight was filmed there for the movie. 

So Scott approaches Lucas a bit star struck and upon finding out scott is.. punches him out as seen in the header image and throws him into a tower. When Scott regains conciousness, Kim and Neil have arrived and Lucas calls a time out. And it’s here we get to, while being the weakest of the 7, why I like Lucas.. he’s actually a pretty nice guy. At WORST he sold out. But the two have a pretty nice conversation over ritz and baby carrots, with it turning out, unsuprisingly Ramona did cheat on him with a cocky pretty boy, and while like Ramona he’s clearly moved on, it still hurts a bit and understandably so. He also warns scott while she might seem nice i’ts an act. 

I mean it isn’t ALL an act, but she does have a tedency to put up walls and act pretty badly as we’re slowly finding out.. though given Scott does the exact same it only means.. she’s human. She’s not MUCH higher above him in terms of morality and this is where we get our first peaks into the fact the series isn’t just about Scott’s development but hers. But it’s understandably absent from volumes 1 and 2 since we need to know her first, and this volume is about getting to know her a bit and get a feel for who she is, something I ddin’t really get a grip on as a teen, but do now. We see more of who she is good and bad as the walls go down. She’s more SURFACE LEVEL functional than scott, but beneath it has a lot of the same exact issues.  Lucas and Scott continue to GENUINELY bond, as Scott genuinely thinks the guy is talented and Lucas want’s an Oscar this year.. maybe not for the current film which is a romantic comedy with a teen star but hey, stars have done far worse in their Oscar years. I mean at least he’s not making a comedy about himself in a fat suit domestically abusing himself in a wig while he also plays an asian sterotype. He explains he almost didn’t get into the league but felt too important to ramona’s past.. plus he looks cool. Plus they let Patel in despite barely being in a relationship with her and being kind of a tool so they kinda had to let the handsome affiable movie star in. Scott wonders “wait league” and Lucas is understandably frustrated to find out Patel just sent a letter Scott didn’t read.. and at Matthew let’s be clear. I mean.. Gideon has to have known Scott wouldn’t read that since he’s been in his head. We’ll get to that in part 6. Point is they formed a league, hence why their organized enough to come after him like this and Scott understandably glares at Wallace for you know, having him play tony hawk and watch movies yet missing the fucking obvious clue they were all working together and they were only coming at him one at a time by choice. 

Lucas offers to just.. take a bribe and SAY Scott beat him, Scott calls him a sellout jokingly and Lucas proves that while not AS bad as the rest of the League, he’s still a dick by telling him to kiss ramona’s sweet ass goodbye pilgrim. Okay either he’s seen her since high school or he’s fondly remembering a high schooler’s ass. Neither one is nice to think about. But Scott gets out of his ass beating by pointing out a ramp, real thing too used for the movie, and asking him to skate down it. Lucas says i’ts impossible, and Scott just whistles. So Lucas tries skating the impossible and dies via velocity. Yes really. Scott collects his change and gets a gift, a mytryil skateboard he.. can’t use because he dosen’t have a proficency for it and bemoans not picking it up in 5th grade. Also he didn’t get his autograph. He does get some coins though so neat.   Yeah I mentioend Lucas was the least of the exes and I stand by it: He’s an intresting character, not a GREAT person but clearly a charming and nice enough guy who likely offered the bribe not because he’sd a sell out but because he genuinely liked scott, and is easily the best adjusted of the exes. But obviously a near non existant setup and a really hilarious and unsastifying finish just.. don’t really feel sastsifying. I mean i’t slampshaded, but after all the build up of her having 7 evil exes, the next one is just..filler. Not BAD, but not really anything special and giving Scott a an early pokemon victory, but unlike ash having done nothing to really DESERVE it.  Thankfully both adaptations so far VASTLY improved on this. While Lucas is still affiable in the movie he’s also smarmy, if on better terms with Ramona, saying “he seems nice” after the tower throw and throwing in some stunt doubles. His fight goes from one of the least satisfying and weakst of the series, to easily one of the best of the movie. We’ll talk about that more there but obvious Chris Evans version is far superior, keeping the good traits while giving us an intresting fight.. and still keeping the skateboard death because it’s fucking hilarious and the movie improves on THAT too by having scott give flat wows as he slowly dies. The game likewise keeps teh skateboard death, if shortening it, and the skateboard, and while not changing his apperance does make him a hell of a tough boss. Took three tries and some online grinding to take him out. Still a hell of a fight. Point is while I genuinely like Lucas story wise.. this just dosen’t work for me and is pretty damn weak, even if it gives us some godo character insight we could’ve got that, and a fight and still had the finish we did. 

That being said.. we DO get a fight instead, likely why the Lucas fight was so truncated. Next chapter and that evening or the next day or whatever, we pan over the real life tornto refrence library. It is a VERY nice touch thatt the comic and it’s adpations use either real places in toronto or reasonable subsittues. While not canadian myself I love the place and hope to visit Tornoto some day when the world isn’t a living nightmare and it’s really nice that like New York for Marvel, Brian Lee O malley really makes the city feel integral to the comic, like it’s own character. But Knives is ominously perched above.  At second cup Scott is horrified to find Julie. Seconded. Julie takes the moment to give out to scott about him dating Ramona despite telling him no. Okay... 

Yeah as you can probably guess I don’t like Julie. She’s not a good character. The movie did her better, with the bleeping gag and aubrey plaza’s performance, but in the comic.. she’s just the worst. She sucks bad. If she were an ice cream flavor she’d be pralines and dick. While she’s fine on OCCASION, and actually works in the next volume, outside of that she just gets more unplesant, more unlikeable, more bitchy, more unfathomabbly assholish every. damn. volume. I”ll give out about that a bit then too but I have to put up with her for the entire damn comic. Now her being bitchy to Scott is fair to a point: Scott is a mess, and she’s loyal to Envy in the breakup, and Scott’s own friends drag him on a daily basis.  The problems are that she’s like that to EVERYONE, even Knives who isn’t about to stab her much as i’d like that. She’s unberable to Stephen whose tolerance for her is unfathomable, though the ending bits of volume 6 show maybe he just has terrble taste. She’s just a throughly unplesant, social climbing bitch who thinks she’s better than everyone. And it sticks out badly against the main cast; Scott is very bad with women and relating to people, but is also nice, charming and most of the damage he does is not intetional. Ramona puts up walls to keep others out but is also a responsible adult and often cuts through Scott, and at times others, internal bullshit. Wallace is an alcholic, but still a very responsible, very loveable guy who clearly cares about scott and supports him finacially and emotionally. Kim is VERY emotionally distant, very misntrhopic.. but also a good person who as we see as the series goes, has an inner light to her and often drags on Scott because she’s been putting up with his shit the longest and WANTS him to be better. Knives is an obessive and violent stalker.. who was also deeply hurt by an older man, dosen’t GET that her realtionship with scott was wrong and uneven, and is clearly not emtoinallyr eady for the deep feelings she’s having. And Stephen.. well he’s a talented guitarist but also enables scott and julie. Especially him enabling Julie. 

Point is their all pretty well rounded, llikeable characters with flaws. Julie.. is just an ass. And this scene demonstrates that with flying colors. While Scott does ignore her because he’s too worried about his sister and girlfriend becoming friends, understandably given Stacey knows all his dark secrets, Julie spends two pages giving out and treating scott like some bad guy for persuing Ramona against her orders. And i’m going to break down why.. this dosen’t work.. on any level for her.  1) Ramona is not Julie’s property. She’s a big girl with her own free will. They aren’t even remotely close: Julie met her only barely before Scott, and given the dream thing probably not even that. And you could say Julie is just looking out for her... she dosen’t know Ramona well enough to KNOW if Ramona is still smarting over Gideon. She probably was.. but she readily, once the awkwardness passed, went out with scott and dove right into the relationship. While there’s still some scars as we’ll see.. she CHOOSE to move on and that’s her choice. If she wasn’t ready, she woudl’ve turned him down or broke it off by now realizing it was a mistake.  2) Scott has no reason to listen to her. She hates his ass, somewhat justifably but still, she hates him and has been against him since fucking colllege. She took his exes side in the breakup despite Envy still being partly in the wrong but paints him as some abusive dickhead and not just an insesntive dickhead. To him he’s just some villian she needs to reign in for her cool friend who wants nothing to do with her and grows to justifably hate her over time. Scott and Julie TOLERATE each other. They are not friend,s they do not like each other and never will. They are around each other because of Stephen. That is it. If Kim , Wallace or Stephen had asked, or at least made him wait for kinves. he probablyw ould’ve or at least considered it since while they take the piss out of him, they genuinely care about him and actually have shown they care about something other than themselves! Speaking of which the cou de gras 3) She’s a selifsh bitch: She is NEVER not  in any volume seen as out for anyone but herself, and thus scott has no reason to trust her judgement. She berates Stephen, him and anyone who will listen, is only so loyal to envy because she’s famous, and as I said treats EVERYONE like dogshit.  And given Scott is still a very flawed guy.. it takes a LOT for him to be so right and he runs out screaming when Julie mentions her.

So back at the library, Ramona brought Stacey along because the place is a maze. Scott calls Stephen and calls julie evil.. which given the last two paragrahs. Yeah. She is. She really is. But that goes nowhere as he dosen’t have Stacey’s number. He also thinks Julie was responsible for this which while she’s very much not.. would it REALLY be that suprising that if Julie were there she would’ve introdcued the two and set up their little hangout just to piss scott off? God I’m  so sick of talking about her. 

So the two after dropping off Ramona’s package decide to hang out a bit.. not long as Ramona’s got shit to do, but hey I agree with her logic i’m curious about this palce too. But before they can go up an elevator Ramona spots incoming.. and thus we get the fight of the volume. Though given the next one has two climatctic fights and one or two before that, they easily could’ve had both.. this is still the highlight of the volume.  So Ramona snaps off a railing and before Stacey can give out about that she finds out WHY as Knives attacks with a pair of sais. And O’Malley did his homework as while you’d THINK it was just another dumb white person mistake.. O’Malley is asian, thoughw ether he’s candaian korean or canadian chineses, as his last name is korean but he has a large chinese cast in this very comic that might come from experince, I do not know and if you do know tell me. I’d like to refer to him properly as I don’t LIKE lumping all asian cultures into one basket. But not only that he did his home work, as Sai’s, while popularized in Okinawa Japan, were also used in other countries. I bring this up since I assumed it was just a simple mistake even knowing Brian was mixed-race, and was plesantly suprised to fine that know, I was the moron. And i’m fine with admitting that. 

So we get a damn good fight.. and Knives figures out Scott WAS cheating on her. Granted she assumes so due to seeing Ramona at the refrence Library, before he actually cheated and clearly blames Ramona for it, but still, it fucking hurts. Plus while her attacking Ramona, who initally assumes she’s gideon’s doing, which.. yeah sending a teenage assasian just to mess with her head does sound like him. So while Stacey does complain “ramona you can’t just tear out art objects” to which I say... yeah high, Stacey? NOT THE POINT RIGHT NOW SCOTT’S EX IS TRYING TO KILL HER. SHE’S DEFENDING HERSELF.  So we get one hell of a fight. It not only shows off that Ramona is one hell of a fighter herself, as is knives, but just how immature knives is, resorting to constnat fat jokes and taunts showing just how immature she is.. and unlike volume one where it was endearing and we just saw how sweet she was here it just comes off as mean, bitter, and uncomfortable. But again part of the series biggest charm is the main cast are all well fleshed out and throughly human. She’s doint this because she dosen’t know better and was raised in a house where, again as volume 4 will bear out, finding out her dad is going after scott with a samurai sword just warrants a “dad’s are so weird aren’t they” my point is her frame of refrence is a mite skewed. Plus this is a world where everyone but Stacey just calmly accepts big shonen fights break out, so it’s not that unsuaul to want to settle things with a fight and while i’ve joked about her killing Ramona we genuinely don’t know that was the goal> Could’ve been, easily given murder is peachy in this setting and just leads to a respawn according to O’Malley and would’ve just sent ramona back to her apartment. But I genuinely don’t think she has it in her to do it and while she could’ve planend to, she never would’ve. Plus Ramona easily leads the fight as while Knives uses hit and run tactics and tries make her follow.. Ramona is more annoyed than anything as she has shit to do. Knives only gets one hit in and while i’ts a pretty nasty scratch on the cheek, if thankfully not scarring.. Ramona shrugs it off when she brags about it and easily takes knives down with a potted tree. Knives runs and while she tells herself it’s to fight another day.. its really because her opponent was WAY stronger and way more ready for something like this than she probably planned on. She did defintely want a fight, she just wasn’t prepared to be outmatched so handily. It’s also a nice  parallel to last book’s fight: Like with Scott and Matthew,  while the fight SEEMS pretty even, in reality our hero/heroine was alwasy teh one in control and easily took care of the less experinced and less ready upstart, who likely wasn’t expecting a fair fight much less to loose. 

So Ramona and Stacey wisely get out while Stacey explains Knives is indeed Scott’s ex, though is unaware of the cheating thing. Speaking of Scott he’s playing sonic and knuckles, and in fact kept wallace on the line before just to get advice because of course he did hence why stacey didn’t get through to him, but gets a call... from Envy. 

This is easily the second best sequence in the boook, which was lovingly and wonderfully adapted to film and as a result I cannot read it without hearing Brie Larson’s voice for Envy , a nice mixture of seduction and condescension. It’s CLEARLY painful fo rhim, and we do get some things established as Envy toys with him, that it’s been about a year and that she left him for a cocky pretty boy, familiar.. and while Scott claims to not know what he looks like.. given Todd is clearly on her band cover... it’s not exactly hard to put two and two together. So after some awkard catchup and Scott telling her about ramona against his will, we get to the reason she’s here with Scott understanndbly being supscious and calling her a user.. which while Envy denys.. she ends up admitting to. She’s coming to town as estalbished and her opening act backed out, and since Scott has a band, and one that 2/3 of which she knows, she wants them to open for her.  Scott naturally isn’t too intrested and thinks it’s just pity. The sequence. is masterful, using a watchmen style 9 by 9 panel layout and intercutting scott’s pained reactions and clear lack of comfort with flashes of envy on her side.. never showing her proper, but showing his memories or what he’s seen in magazines. It’s really striking and really sells the sheer discomfort Scott’s going through.  So soon after Wallace gets home.. and finds Scott, drained and miserable on the floor, not even responsive. And this really is the scene that shows me that Wallace cares for the guy and cements that asshole he may be, he loves his buddy. He goes through possible scenarios that fit scott: Food poisoning, finding out Wallace saved over his final fantasy save (though he rules it out as last time that happened he was crying), that ramona dumped him.. before Scott let’s out a pathetic and miserable “Ennnnnvvv”. Wallace , who was at ground zero for that relationship as we’ll find out, realizes this and lets out a little shit, unsure how to help and pissed off at that bitch for once again hurting him like this. As I said it shows how Wallace knows scott in and out and loves him dearly.. and how he knwos about this paticuarly heartbreak better than anyone but Scott and Envy themselves. IT’s just a really tearjerking scene, as we get a sense of WHY scott spiraled into an ego boost of a relationship: His last one REALLY tore him in half, and he’s still not completely healed from the emtional bisection. 

So Scott gets more bad news next chapter as Stacey tells him about the fight and he’s worried he’s going to loose ramona on top of this. I mean he desrves it.. .but it’s clear she’s the best thing to happen to him after a really rough year of denial and poor decisionss and loosing her will likely only make him WORSE. He also breaks the bad news, to him at least to the band about the gig. Stephen, being kind of a dick who while understandbly excited about a big gig fails to see his friend REALLY isn’t happy about this nor remembers you know, that the person offering this tore his heart out indiana jones style and while they should take the gig despite the risks, it’s too big an opportunity not to, he should be fucking senstive about this. Kim however... has a suprising and heartbreaking reactoin to this. Which is spread over a few panels but i’m gonna string into one image for convince sake. 

Just.. DAMN. I honeslty missed this both as a teenager and as an adult when I read through the books last time but holy shit is this a heartbreaking little moment, even more with the development she gets in later books. Keep in mind, over two books so far, Kim.. really hasn’t shown a lot of emtion. The most upset she’s gotten was getting a bit pissed about another a girl drummer. The only other time we’ve seen her sad was at 17 when Scott left. Her only emotions that we could see were angry and surly. But here? She’s genuinely upset and we see her walls break down for the very first time.. and it’s with the clear indication she NEVER really got over Scott. She never got proper closure and while she hasn’t let it so.. it’s been VERY clear she's been grossly uncomfortable with how he just likes to brush off their history, something that very clearly still bothers her and understandably so: 6 years , while a lot of time, still really isn’t long enough to just .. FORGET your first boyfriend , how he made you feel or the fact he took your virginity and you took his. Stuff like that sticks with you.. I’m ony assuming on the virginity thing but my point remains: To Scott it’s SEEMINGLY nothing, when really he’s probably just trying to brush it off because he dosen’t like dealing with things and given how Kim is wrongly assumed she can’t feel pain. I mean to anyone else i’d be a fair assumption and even i’m not convinced if she touched a hot stove she’d burn, but that’s phsysical this is emotional. DIffrent playing fields. Point is Scott’s kind of a dick and not having ANY closure for anything, Kim is still smarting from him leaving as much as Scott is smarting from Envy dumping him.  And it somehow gets MORE painful.... which should’ve been the tagline for Bojack Horseman now I think about it but yeah: her line is what cuts me up the most “I saw her on the cover of Now. She’s pretty”. It’s a little line, it’s easy to see why I missed it .. but the subtext really stings. It’s that despite being VERY pretty, I had a crush on her as a kid and I still do now.. Kim just can’t help but compare herself to someone whose now a glamrous rock star.  Their equally attractive but all Kim can see is ANOTHER person who Scott cared about more than her. Which seems petty but again he just.. abnadoned her. His moving wasn’t his choice but his not telling her as was framed earlier sure as hell was. And then just.. look at the next people he dates: A glamorous rock star (She wasn’t at the time but that’s for next week), a much younger girl who can’t possible challenge him, and an ultra cool american. To her.. it must feel like he just looks right through her to every other person intersted in him and never even consdered her as a person anymore. I mean.. jesus christ that hurts.. and makes me hate Stephen more since you know he dosen’t notice any of this.. though at least unlike with Scott it’s a bit more understandable because Kim’s so unflappable and he’s already ignoring very obvious and transparent emotional pain why shouldn’t this be any diffrent.  So yeah no one’s happy about this, and that ends up including Stephen as he’s so insecure about his band’s talent he’s pretty sure they suck when their probably at least adaquate. 

So while Scott dosen’t say anything, it’s clear he’s at least consdiering the offer as when we next see him he and ramona are heading to Envy’s show. And honestly it’s just a really sweet scene as Ramona asks about envy and the two banter and hold hands. A really nice palletee clensar since hte last few pages were like I was the one lucas socked in the gut. Also she assures him she dosen’t hate him, and asks about how the breakup happened, turning down any offers to hear the good times.  It was new years eve one year ago, and he mentions it was over her leaving to meet some guy named Todd.. and Ramona finds the story familiar but brushes off Scott wondering if her todd and Envy’s todd wer ethe same guy as a douchey joke. When prying about what happened otherwise, Scott admits it was all a blur.. Ramona isn’t ahppy with the answer.. but it’s nto like it’s that unresonable: he was in deep with Envy, and the breakup was damn bad to the point it took a year for him to recover and end up in the relationship he is now and the one before this was clearly a cry for help. It also helps reinfroce just how much Wallace was there for him and probably WHY Wallace hates Envy so much. They probably live together simply because Scott needed a place after college, was in zero condition to get a job or do anything given his zombie like state.. and Wallace just had him move into his bed, platonically and into his place. It’s probably why while Wallace will complain ocasoinally he isn’t that on scott to find a job. He dosen’t need a paying roomate, they do fine just on his sallary and he has a steady, secure job in some sort of calling office, probably working in medical stuff like my mom. He needs his friend to be safe and happy, then he can get on his ass about being functional, as he is in present day. If nothing else this volume made me realize just how good a person Wallace is.  The one thing he CAN remember, to Ramona’s disbelif is a restraunt opening up, the job story he hinted at last volume: basically it was a fancy tex mex place called, and this is one of the best restraunt naems in the history of fiction brace yourself: The Gilded Palace of Flying Burritos. Naturally, as would I as I love tex mex and that name, Scott loved the place, ate there most of the week and like me with some places I liked waited impatietly to get a job. He did and they were even super generous as the food was FREE.  Which is a euphoric feeling I relate to, though I also liked any discounts I got. seriously when I worked at Bagel and Bagel a good chunk of my paycheck was eating there for dirt cheap every shift. I miss that place so much. Like even after I left there I still like a good bagel sandwitch. And it wasn’t covid or anything it was just low staffed and slowly coming apart due to a lack of a solid manager after Crystal, the manager who hired me, transfered to a store closer to her home, which I do not blame her for. 

Point is I get it even if Ramona thinks this is all made up. Anyways at Lee’s Place, based on the real life Leo’s place, everyone’s gussied up: Steven got an awful haircut and Kim... 

But no time to dwell on how great kim’s..everything is.. who DID  Neil bring to the concert? 

While Kim is VERY much enjoying this, everyone else is a bit freaked with Ramona getting assurance her and Scott dated breifly, with Kim quipping her and neil will probably date even breiflyer, and Stephen.. freaking out, wondering if she seduced him, and asking if they should take him out back and kick his ass.. 

Just..... that’s a lot of douche to unpack and this review has been VERY long and suprisingly hard already.. but fuck it, we don’t have much left to go let’s do this. Okay one did she seduce him.. I mean I GUESS, but really let’s be clear here: Neil is a horny, lonely, monosolobic 19 year old who lives with his sister’s college friend and whose life revovles around said guys band. Knives is adorable. She likely barely had to flirt with him to get him to say yes .As someone who was a lonely 19 year old doofus, I guarantee no matter the red flags I probably woudl’ve said yes provided she was 18 instead of 17, despite the abudant red flags such as neil vaugely looking like scott, neil being the one single man within scott’s circle to get her way back in, as Knives hasn’t realized she’s bi yet or given how much she looked up to Kim, she probably WOULD’VE gone for it. As would any sane person, which neither knives nor I entirley are. So she didnt’ so much seduce him as offer him a girlfriend he didn’t have and him being too intrested in having a sweet, caring girl on his arm to see the giant army of adrestian soldiers needed to carry all the red flags this presents. 

And as for “do we need to kick his ass. “ Stephen.. did you kick SCOTT’S ass? No, you fucking abetted him and only stepped in for the good girl thing. You did NOTHING to stop his relationship with knives or tell him he was screwing up or look out for that girl’s well being. This will bite him in the ass even harder in volume 5, but even now it just makes him look REALLY fucking bad that, even if he probably dosen’t mean it, that’s at all on the table. Also.. Neil, unlike scott is doing slightly less wrong. While he is 20 to her 17, three years.. it’s HALF of what Scott and her’s age diffrence is, and far more equal in power structure. It’s still not.. GREAT, but my point is you did NOTHING when Scott did this, for far flimiser and less forgiavble reasons.. but when NEIL, whose been nothing but weirdly loyal to you dates her, you want to kick someone’s ass. I mean yes he’s being stupid: in a clear role reversal of the Scott and Knives situation, it’s obvious just from her expression that KNVIES is the one in control here, and the one using someone to ease her own pain. Granted it’s wrong, if not as wrong as Scott should techincally know better and Knives very clearly dosen’t, as well as get into a show of her faviorite band. Is what she’s doing wrong.. yeah... while she can’t see it again it’s what Scott did just not QUITE as fucked up due to not being AS embalanced. Should neil probably be dating her after scott did ? No. But should you be threatning him and not scott for you know, setting all this in motion? No. Jesus christ you suck Steven. 

Thankfully while Scott presumibly calms Stephen down, Kim spots Hollie and her roomate Joseph, who will be suprisingly important. He’s very gay, very quite, very bearded and is only hear because the bass player is hot and when prodded on it....

Well said. Also I read that with John Heder’s voice fo rsome reason.. don’t know why, his career ended as quickly as it began because he REALLY did not pick his films well. He saw that he was going to be in a film with David Spade and Rob Schinder and didn’t fire his agent for suggesting it. Meanwhile Scott and Ramona run into Sandra and Monique, Scott’s old classmates who just sorta.. show up every so oftne, often backing up Julie because every Alpha Bitch needs a posse. As Boscha has proven once you loose your posse you loose your bitchy powers. They also ask if Scott and Ramona are an item which leads to a fantagious visual gag. 

Also Stephen awkardly talks to the new couple, about how much Knives loves the band, and because why start reading the room now just sorta.. CASUALLY slips in the fact he knows her is because she and scott dated. 

Granted Knives action this book really EARNED her that curveball.. but still, it’s transparently clear she’s both not over Scott and Neil’s a placebo, and that she loves the band... how the fuck did you get through college, much less get two loyalish friends Steve. 

Kim tries to hide when she runs into Sarah whose with.. someon O Malley does not know, literally captioning it “I don’t know htis girl”. Fucking love that gag even if SOMEHOW kim is the roomate they all hate. Despite hte fact as the side story will bare out, her roommates are all pretty obnoxious, so i’ts probably because she’s the only sane person in that group and their VERY lucky kim just dind’t set the place on fire on her way out and let god do what he should’ve a long time ago. Also we meet Lynette, the band’s drummer who smokes “She must be evil” “Still hot though”... both accurate. Also Luke wilson is there.. no really. Just holy shit that’s awesome.  Okay so with all of that out of the way, it’s time for the show. So after a full volume’s build up , and a really cool build up in the page before we finally properly meet clash at the demonhead, and miss envy adams. 

Heck of  a reveal and not the only one as ramona realized what the audience probably already guessed....

Dun dun dun! And since I don’t like leaving a cliffhanger dangling lest I have to... we’ll be getting to this next week.. what you thought i’d say right now or tommorow? This was a lot. But no i’m not leaving you too long. Next week, Evil Ex Crossover! Ramona and Wallace become BFF’s! We learn what the deal with Scott and Envy is! Scott faces the Ken to his Ryu! And Wallace gets a boyfriend. All this and more next week. for now...

Final Thoughts: This one.. was a VERY rough one to review and it ties back to this volume’s biggest problem: it is not paced very well. Like the series as a whole it has a pretty easy going, slice of life pace. The only ones without this kind of easy pacing are 3 and 6, and even 3 has some slice of life bits, their just both more focused due to the events going on. This one... well....

Pretty much. While this one has very important stuff going on, Scott and ramona getting closer, ramona getting more fleshed out, Wallace showing how deep his character is, Kim also getting fleshed out quite a bit, Knives showing off her crazy side, setting up the next volume, the second ex fight.. it’s all just kinda.. jumbled together. It’s not really until the knives fight onward the book takes on some really solid pacing and really gets going.It’s not a BAD book: ther’es some REALLY good character stuff as I dug into.. but the pacing is just really loose and without the Evil Ex fight as an anchor and with ramona and scott just sorta.. getting to know one another, in both biblical and non biblical senses, it dosen’t have either of the series main narrative thrusts. Even the knvies subplot really amoutns to nothing for now, as Ramona dosen’t find out Scott’s a cheater, and only distrusts knives now. That’s about it. It does improve on book one in characterization, with eveyrone being MUCH cleearer in terms of who they are and settling into their iconic selves nicely. Wallace’s more selfless and protective side pops up, Ramona starts to show mroe of her personality good and bad, Scott’s better traits are mixed a bit mor eeven with the douche ones,  Knive’s far more unstable and violet stalker side emerges, and Stephen.. well fuck him, point is things are coming together.. but O’Malley still isn’t quite at peak power yet. Not bad and still worth a read like last time, just a bit uneeven is all. That being said... if you want O’Malley at his peak.. well then come back next week. Until then i’ll be doing my usual buisness of reviewing birds, refrencing simpsons and letterkenny, and putting my eyes back in after kim’s look up there. For now the sun’s setting and i’m out of here. 

[adl-reborn]

I just realized I forgot to post this here...

Tales of Metroville: Thought Experiments

Aston hadn't slept in 3 days. He had been researching non-stop to discover the ailment from which his friend, Phoenix, was currently suffering. You see, they both were invited to dinner by the president. In theory they both were to be debriefed about current affairs and of any unusual goings on that the two most powerful known mutants on the planet might be needed for. Aston, however, had no need of it - his clairvoyance had alerted him both to the topics of discussion and of all such events including many not on the agenda. Meanwhile, the normally quite outgoing Phoenix barely ate and didn't speak at all, and when they both returned home he locked himself in the master bedroom to do who knows what.

If ever there was a good time for Aston's comprehensive ability to read peoples' minds, this would be a good one, but it isn't so simple with Phoenix. Try as he might, Aston could never do this with Phoenix. Even after years of trying, Aston could only ever manage to read vague emotional states, but that only told him the obvious. Distracted by this, so too was he unable to clearly see the path ahead. And so his research continued. Depression, Anxiety, MPD, and many others. He read through the DSM5 until he reached the chapter on autism.

At this point he paused as his sleep deprived mind called back to his childhood. His odd behavior as a preteen had prompted a visit to the psychiatrist - a visit which he left with a diagnosis of "Asperger's Syndrome". It was described as a milder form of Autism - one which could lie undetected in many. Needless to say he was familiar with it and had recognized much of himself deep within Phoenix's personality, but ultimately the DSM did not help beyond providing a starting point...

Luckily Aston did not need to look far to find his answers. Where official medical documentation failed actually autistic people filled the void, and crucially the true nature of a meltdown and a new concept - burnout, were introduced to him. Additionally, Aston found himself unable to read many of the individuals presenting their point - a correlation which Aston surmised was due to a radically different mind, but finding that out for sure wouldn't be easy...

The only way Aston knew to read minds of a type he had never read before was through a technique he dubbed a "mental fusion". It's theory of operation was similar in principle to what many Trekkies call a mind meld. This was a technique Aston had only ever done once - by accident, he did this to his father on the day he ran away - a fight had broken out between the two and they had inadvertently fused for but a few seconds. In that time they could feel each other's thoughts as one, and Aston gained a roadmap of the human mind, but Aston was overwhelmed by this and ran off into the forest. It was an ability he had sworn to never use again...but his friend was in danger and he knew it.

Slowly Aston opened the door - inside was Phoenix, sitting in the fetal position rocking to soothe his frayed nerves. He held his legs tight against his belly and did not speak to greet Aston. Where Phoenix once stood a timid child remained. As Aston approached Phoenix turned and looked apprehensively in his direction. Aston could see in Phoenix's eyes that his distress was great. As Aston sat down close to Phoenix he was apprehensive at first, but a calming touch from Aston soothed him enough to stay. They sat like this for a while - Aston holding an obviously distressed Phoenix, but he knew what he must do and that it would be uncomfortable.

Slowly Aston moved his right hand to Phoenix's right temple. Phoenix became agitated for a moment and started shaking his arms but Aston calmed him with the left. Once positioned, he waited for Phoenix to calm down and gently positioned his left hand. With his hands in position a faint blue glow began to appear, glowing brighter with every second. Phoenix let out a yell..."I'm sorry..." Said Aston. They both yelled in unison as their minds became one. In an instant they both found themselves unconscious

One hour later...

Aston awoke but not in reality. His fusion was more complete than he had anticipated - he surmised he must be in a shared dream as they both were extremely exhausted. Aston, being a proficient lucid dreamer realized this straight away, but he knew if he could recognize this that the dream is important in some way. In the distance he hears a cry.

It is Phoenix - crying out for help. Alone in the distance. In this dark void he can see nothing, and conjuring a flashlight nor a vehicle has no effect. He continues to run in the direction of the yelling but to no avail - Phoenix remains out of reach. Aston calls out to Phoenix but there was no response........

2 hours later

Aston awakens once again - this time in the house but in his bedroom. Objects are not in their designated places so here too this is a dream. Aston proceeds to navigate to Phoenix's room. He lies on the bed staring at the ceiling unresponsive. As Aston approaches Phoenix apparates into a standing position and then runs up to Aston crying to which they both share embraces...

2 hours later

The sound of screaming pierces in Aaron's ear once again waking him. Again he is in Phoenix's dream - the same one as the first time. Aston remembered well how he failed to handle this dream the last time so he tries a different tactic. He calms his mind and senses Phoenix's precise location. Though they can not see each other, Aston knows he and him are now together. Aston sits down next to Phoenix.

"It's alright...I am here to comfort you." Stated Aston. What was once a cry became a whimper, and the once dark void is now illuminated by a dim yellow radiance. "I am here for you Phoenix, no matter your darkest hour nor your worst fears." The yellow radiance grows in illumination from Phoenix's chest. The two mutants once again embrace one another, and the once dark void is now pierced by a blinding light. "Do you mean it?" Replied Phoenix. "I'll let the actions do the talking..." Aston returned...

2 hours later

"So you finally found it"

Aston awoke once again - this time in a peaceful garden surrounded by a lake with small gentle waves. A fog obscures any view beyond.

"Welcome to my world" stated Phoenix to the now slowly arousing Aston. "I never thought I would see you here, but I figured one day you might show up." "What...is this place?" replied Aston, "it seems peaceful, relaxing even."

"This is my comfort zone" replied Phoenix, "I come here to escape the demands of the world when they become too much to bear." "I couldn't come here for far too long - we were too busy saving the world." continued Phoenix, "I thought I had lost it forever - in its place I only found darkness."

"That was your first dream, and the third. What about the second?" Replied Aston. "The house is where we always go when we're done for the day." Phoenix stated, "I thought maybe I could relax there." "It didn't work out as I had hoped...but at least you were there." Phoenix continued, "If I had been alone in there I don't think it would have done anything. I was just laying there, worrying about all of the drone strikes, supervillains, contingencies, space nukes. You know, all that crazy stuff they brought up at the meeting."

"It's all so stressful you know! And, it's kind of hard to explain, but the lights...they felt blinding, and the klinking of so much silverware on porcelain didn't help either. It felt like I was expending every last drop of my being to not explode from all of the stress!" "I...had no idea." Replied Aston, "I was just sitting next to you. I already knew everything they had to say but since you had said nothing I didn't know what to expect! Even now after fusing I still struggle to comprehend the sheer depth of your thoughts. To be honest the buzz from the busted TV was starting to get on my nerves though...you don't think..."

"I know what you're going to say - I was diagnosed with ADHD, not Asperger's." quipped Phoenix. "Since when have I ever lied to anyone let alone you?" Replied Aston. "I just spent 72 hours straight tearing the internet apart to figure out why you locked yourself in a room. Not because I wanted to get back to saving the world - we both know it doesn't need saving right now. I did that because I knew you were deeply distressed...but I couldn't understand why until now." "This is not a place for argument." Aston continued, "This is a place to escape to when the going gets tough. Just as I can sort of read your thoughts now you should be able to read mine. Look, and see I am not wrong. All you need to do is look at me, focus, and visualize my mind inside yours."

Phoenix was skeptical, but did as asked. To his surprise it worked - all of the research Aston had done up until the point of fusion was laid plain to see. Every disorder in the DSM5. All of the documentaries, YouTube videos, and articles read. So too was Aston's past - all of the struggle he had to endure. He had a fake ID in high school - not so he could drink, but to rent an apartment of his own away from his father's prying eyes in Metroville - far from anywhere he would think to look. His Asperger's was plain to see - a similar but less intense mirror of Phoenix's own past.

As he came out of the vision Phoenix embraced Aston. "Thank you, Aston..." He finally said, "I think you saved me...from my own mind." "It's no sweat, that's what friends do am I right? Sometimes the heroes of the story need saving too." They both stood up, and the dream ended.

Aston awoke holding Phoenix in his embrace. So too did Phoenix not long after. Aston now could see some of Phoenix's thoughts, but Phoenix still remained an enigma - further refinement would be needed to fully understand his mind. "Did you sleep well?" Aston inquired? "Yes...or at least better than I have in the past few months." Replied Phoenix. "I'm glad...seems you needed it." Aston stated. "No kidding...I guess I needed to not feel completely alone for once." Said Phoenix, "Say...that technique you used to get inside my head...I thought you couldn't get inside my head." "That's what I thought too...until I figured out just how different your mind is wired compared to the norm." Replied Aston, "I took an educated guess that you were Autistic - that led me to find out that your brain is almost 100x more complicated than a normal human, and I daresay probably more complicated than mine." "Does that mean I have the same abilities you do then?" Phoenix inquired, now intrigued. "Maybe..." Replied Aston, "You want to find out?" "Sure, but I bought pizza the last time we trained so it's on you this time." Stated Phoenix. "Gladly!" Replied Aston, "I think this will be fun!"

[thebyunhip]

Start Up | episodes 1 ~ 12

I feel like right now is a good moment to talk about the show, with the time jump and stuff. I’ll talk about the characters and then the plot, as I usually do. This is going to be a very long post, I never had so much to say about a drama before, so I’ll add a cut and it’s entirely up to you if you want to read my rant.

Han Ji Pyeong: look, he is not my favorite guy but I also don’t hate him and here’s why: 1) I don’t care how good he is at his job, I don’t care how rich he is, I don’t care how rough he had it in life, nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING gives him the right to be a dick to others. I understand that he is scared, had no one care for him and had no one to care for but he is still a human who lives in society. Being polite (and that’s really the only thing I’m discussing here), is not the same being someone that lets people step on him. And we’re all vert aware of the fact that he can tel people the truth, as harsh as it may be, without bein a complete fucking bastard 2) I fucking hate the tropes “he got there first” and “here’s a troubled man, fix him girl”. Like, just no. Teenager me would love that shit and eat it up like a fucking starved bitch, but not right now. I also think he is incredibly selfish and self-absorbed however both of these I can overlook, this is the kind of thing that be blamed on his upbringing (or lack of it).

Seo Dal Mi: the writers really said “let’s take this girl’s sister and mom away, make her sister say very stupid and hurtful things to her, now kill off her dad, she’ll get into a good college but will drop out because she has bills to pay”. I like that she is, after all that shit, bright and is willing to fight for things, not let her dad’s memory die. The world is telling her “bitch stay down” and she is legit yelling back “no motherfucker, I will not” and that’s great. The one thing I don’t like about her is that she is way too forgiving, I mean she found out that she was lied to by grandma, her mentor and her boyfriend of sorts and she just tossed that aside like it was nothing. Some of it I can understand, they work together so she would have to, you know, keep somethings inside. It all went away too fast, she forgave all three of them very quickly.

Nam Do San: at this point, if you’ve seen any of my previous posts, you’ll know that that he is my favorite and I’ll use this bit here to tell you why. I’ll put aside the cuteness, okay? Out of all the characters in this drama Do San was the one with the most personal growth. In the beginning you had a guy who couldn’t speak properly to strangers, let alone look at people eyes, when people put him down (yes, I’m fucking looking at Ji Pyeong and his dad) he kept his head down. And slowly, throughout these 12 episodes we see him mature (because yes, he was very immature), he can now answer, he can look at people in the eyes, hell he even can start fights. Like dude, he stood up to his father twice. He is not perfect and I’m  no trying to paint him as if he were. He still has problem to deal with but he is open to do improve. This was not said anywhere in the show and it’s only a personal thought of mine, Do San suffers of the imposter syndrome and Asperger Syndrome, and that would explain some of his behaviors.

Won In Jae: now let’s talk about an underused character. She is here simply to be a shitty sister and drag Dal Mi down so we all can watch our beautiful protagonist rise again from the ashes. When you look at her, she just has that resting bitch face so she makes it easy to dislike her  (but please can we please stop type casting Han Na as a bitch or someone can please tell me a show/movie she did where she is not one?).

Grandma: finally the real “villain” of the whole story. I get what she was trying to do, okay? Dal Mi’s life was spiraling out of control, shit hit the sky and she need some comfort and surely the letters were the best way to do that and it’s fine. But you all are willing to tell me that in those 15 years she didn’t have a single chance to say “hey kid, listen, there was never a Do San. I asked some boy to write you letters but he is gone now and so are the letters” or idk “The boy who wrote you letters was Ji Pyeong, a kid I used to help, he didn’t want to use his own name so we chose one from the news”. I’ve changed my mind, this not HJP fault. Its grandma’s.

Now, let’s talk about this drama’s biggest and most unforgiving mistake: the first episode. They spent way too much time on the letters and Ji Pyeong, making a lot of built up and then they didn’t showed the main guy at all. We got to see Do San in the last what, 5 seconds of the episode? I can get the confusion people are having as to who is the main and second lead here, for a second even I was confused. I only knew teenager Ji Pyeong wasn’t the main guy because before watching the show I read that Joo Hyuk’s character name was Do San. The first episode was a bad call. I mean it has 1 hour and 24 of running time and they could only spare 5 SECONDS TO THE MAIN GUY? No wonder there is a shit show towards Do San.

The entire revenge plot was poorly used but I’ll admit that I like the whole “my biggest revenge is to prove HJP wrong”. We’ve seen the destroy company, kill a guy ploy way too many times.But the entire thing was just tossed in there, there was maybe one clue but it lead to believe that Yeong San would steal the code, not seek revenge.

I know that some people were bummed out that there the show doesn’t focus a lot on how to build a startup but this is mostly a romance drama, so they wouldn’t include a lot of how to here.

Also, I know that people don’t think Do San has real problems because you know he has both parents and Ji Pyeong is an orphan, but like please… just listen. Being someone that has to live up to parent’s approval and expectations, especially to academic and business success, is not a problem that we westerns face so constantly in our lives. I know it happens, I’m not living under a rock, but we can’t even begin to compare to how it is for them and us. Suicide rates are high in Asian countries amongst younger people who fail to reach standards set by their parents and the society. Both Do San and Ji Pyeon have problem, of course, but they are very different and incomparable.  

As for the next four episodes… I think we will see a very changed Do San, more serious, a lit bit more calloused from the three years in the US (the black gave it out). I feel like Dal Mi might have changed a bit but I can’t point how. Ji Pyeong had on line in the preview and it was enough to not give me any hopes about him.

I’ll just say this here because I feel like I have to: Han Ji Pyeong is not such a great a second lead, full of layers, that could actually make people question why he isn’t the main guy. The only character ever that has that right is Baek In Ho, and would you look at that he is also a character that went through shit but is not an asshole just because he can.

[brightlotusmoon]

Me, trying to explain how I'm autistic to someone with an autistic kid who thinks he might be autistic so I was trying to be simplistic:

Yes, the scholarly side of autistic advocates have linked it to genetics. Environmental cofactors are still being studied. But it's really just our developing brains rewiring into a more sensory oriented neurotype. Autistics have a lot more sensory neurons all over, it's been found. We're like Linux in a Mac world, to use a popular analogy. And we get quickly overloaded with a deeper synesthetic reaction to both external and internal stimuli, thus the functioning labels given to us are much too arbitrary. Our spectrum isn't a line, it's a Mobius strip. A color wheel. A sundae bar.

Like... my support needs are low for the most part, but that doesn't mean my functioning levels are high. It doesn't mean my autism is mild or slight. It means that neurotypical society sees my autism as "less disruptive" overall.

For example, I headcanon all four Ninja Turtles as autistic in four different ways. We know how unique they each are. And they each display a comorbidity or two, like Mikey's ADHD. I'd say they all have PTSD, just imagine Donnie's though. And Raphael has multiple anxiety disorders, alexithymia, emotional dysregulation. But for years and years, I didn't know those terms fifteen years ago, even ten.

TMNT History Time! Back in the 2000s after the 2003 show came out, Aspergers became noticed and the fandom decided that Donatello had it. Some folks also knew that Michelangelo had undiagnosed ADHD, but ADHD was being demonized at the time and many fans didn't like that Mikey was "the poster boy." And others suspected that Mikey had it but they stereotyped him and exaggerated his loud obnoxious immaturity.

I had just been diagnosed ADHD back then, just before 2003, also with dyscalculia that nobody understood. And I was also a young adult undiagnosed autistic. I'd also been born with what the doctors called 'mild' spastic cerebral palsy that was seen as Not So Bad because I didn't look like a stereotype. And because of all that, I had very strong Feelings about Don and Mike, for me it was a big deal, seeing different parts of myself in both turtles.

History within History! During that time, Autism Speaks was founded and quickly became disliked by the majority of autistic activists as they advertised and cemented the vicious ideas that autism was a terrible burden that made people want to kill their children, that autistic people weren't fully human, in fact 'the least us' and likened to lepers according to the founders of Autism Speaks, that autistic kids weren't full human people unless they had ABA and were physically abused and emotionally gaslit into conforming, even in modern ABA which encourages manipulating autistics into being happy, the core of the ABA therapy concept.

Now, by that point, my mentors had coined terms like 'neurodivergence' to identify individuals versus neurodiversity as a group - they had previously coined 'cousin neurologies' to connect the comorbidities between autism and ADHD and other conditions. Autism Speaks began plagiazing their online essays, editing them to leave out important parts, because the autistic authors talked about being fine the way they were, talking about not needing a cure.

Then, Autism Speaks began promoting eugenics. And afterwards it was decided that Aspergers, which came out of the eugenics programs from WWII, would be merged into the autism spectrum in the USA, which felt right as more research showed how autism was not so much a disability or disorder by itself as it was a whole brainbody wiring down to cellular structure, a collective of traits, skills, syndromes, strengths and weaknesses, which could be disabilities and skill sets alike.

An entire movement within the advocate community began that started looking at fictional characters who could be autistic or ADHD or both. Kids and adults would be able to relate.

And now, fandoms are actively creating original characters with autistic traits, with ADHD, by actual autistic fans or allies who closely research the neurologies. I didn't have anything like that when I was young.

I didn't have the words, not even labels to defend from people who.now roll their eyes claiming "labels are for soup cans" and "we don't do labels" - also, PS, in order to say you don't do labels you first need to be able to know what labels you could have and be able to make a choice in having labels, and I didn't even have that - so I love having such a choice.

And you will have to put up with me writing fiction about autistic ADHD pansexual demisexual characters who are psionic. See, having been born with brain damage and cerebral palsy, I really wanted to be Jean Grey so I could have telekinesis) and I once wrote an unfinished crossover between X-Men and Ninja Turtles where 2003 Mikey gained the power of The Phoenix and later a Supernatural crossover where Mikey and Sam became friends.

TLDR, there's a lot of flavors of being autistic.

[lair-of-the-jabberwock]

I don’t think Disney will ever stop frustrating me with the way they handle certain topics. Particularly, how they dance around the topics of gender identity, sexuality, and neuro-divergence. They literally have the absolute perfect neutral platform to help teach kids, in a very simple and easy format, about these topics. Yes, they’ve been getting better about some ethnic representation in their movies, but they still don’t touch on those topics that are really needed nowadays.

Disney functions on a basis of ‘their parents can teach them about that stuff, they’re too difficult of topics for us to explain in a kids’ movie’, and usually just leave it at that. Sure, sometimes they’ll toss in a glimpse of a gay side character, or make a very small nod here and there to non-cis people. But that’s exactly what I mean when I say they are dancing around the subject. They avoid it, and simply try to placate us with these very tiny side comments you often have to squint at the margins to notice. Shame on you, Disney. These aren’t actually difficult topics, and you know it.

I spend a lot of time helping my older sister as she helps our older cousins by watching their kids. So, I’m around young kids a lot. I’m around them a lot, their ages ranging from 5 to 10, and I am a bisexual, trans-male, autistic individual with severe depression and anxiety, as well as some PTSD. -le gasp- Oh, no! How am I supposed to make all that make sense to a five-year-old?! He’s too young to understand it, it’s too complicated for him! ...... Psh, yeah right. It’s a two-second conversation, and it’s a fucking piece of cake to explain.

‘Hey, buddy, you know how your parents and everyone call me ______ and call me a ‘he’ even though I look like a girl?’

‘Yeah’

‘That’s because I picked out that name specially for myself, because I’m transgender and that means I’m actually a boy trapped in a girl’s body.’

‘Oh, okay, -uses chosen name instead of dead name-.’

Yeah. See how easy that is? Kids understand things WAY better than adults do, and are a lot quicker to accept the information presented to them and just roll with it. It’s the same with the 7-year-old and the 10-year-old cousins I have. ‘I’m transgender and that makes me a guy just like you.’ ‘Okay.’ Now.. what about my sexuality? ‘Hey, guys, you know how your mom and dad love each other the way they do?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘I have a partner that I like the same way, and they’re a girl, but I also sometimes like boys like that too.’ ‘Oh, okay.’ Boom. Sexuality, check. Gender identity, check. But what about my neuro-divergence? Lol, still very easy.

‘Hey, guys, I really want to hear everything you have to say, but since I’m autistic, it makes it hard for me to keep up when you all talk at once, and so I get a little overwhelmed and need things to slow down so I can make sure I hear everything and I don’t get too stressed that I panic and get upset, okay?’ ‘Oh, okay. We can take turns so it will be easier for you.’ And I’ve explained my depression and anxiety to them in similar ways, telling them that sometimes I just feel really really sad with no explanation, or that sometimes I just get really nervous and worried about things even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal just like how they can sometimes get really worried about a bug crawling near them or they suddenly get too shy to talk to someone even if they know them.

Point is, Disney has the perfect neutral platform to teach kids about ‘difficult’ topics, but they don’t use it, and that pisses me off. Even when they do have a more prominent character that is definitely coded a certain way, and people point it out to them, they will deny it because they have a mindset that they have to be ‘super PC’ and all that bullshit. Like, everyone absolutely knows and agrees that Lilo is definitely very much autistic (specifically with what is likely an Asperger’s diagnosis), but Disney still denies it and just tries to be like, ‘oh, no, she’s just a little different but she’s not autistic.’ Yes, she fucking is, Disney. She has pretty much my exact diagnosis, and she is an AMAZING representation of it! Take the praise and run with it, ya fucktots!! Honestly even Milo in Atlantis has a lot of autistic traits, with his centralized interests and info-dumping and social anxiety and awkwardness. But yeah. Hell, fucking look at Soul!! 22 is clearly non-binary, and when Joe is in the cat’s body, that cat is a fucking calico and calicos are almost exclusively female only! There’s a perfect way to explain transgender and how it feels to be in a body that doesn’t feel like it’s the right gender for you! But did they use that? No. They just decided that the cat is also a boy so it just works and they can blow past it. Just saying.

Long story short, Disney is scared to touch on some very important topics that they have the perfect platform to explain, and it pisses me off.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #349

“we’ll meet again, when both our cars collide”

When was the last time you had a PopTart? It's been many, many months. Do you like hot chocolate? Well duh. Who made you laugh the hardest today? I haven't really laughed today. Who was the last person to promise you something, and what was it? Hmph. Would you ever jump into a fire to save your bestfriend? I know I would. Do you have a callus from writing too much? No, I only have calluses on my feet from when I used to walk for hours on end. They just never permanently went away, even with grooming. Who is someone you’ve made a bad first impression on? I dread to guess what the girl Jason dated after me was told about me. I shouldn't care at all, but I do. I have every reason to accurately be defined as "the crazy ex," and I fucking hate it. Who is your best guy friend? Girt, a friend from high school. Do you read cereal boxes while you’re eating? I did as a kid, but now I don't. I just kinda stand and eat. What’s the last thing you accidentally (or purposely) burnt? I kinda burnt the roof of my mouth on pizza the other night. Do you know anyone with a lip piercing? Me, haha. I know others, too. What did the last tattoo you saw, look like? I don't remember. Have you ever given birth? NO FUCKING THANK YOU. Do you enjoy making out? I mean if I'm in the mood to and I love you, yeah. Why exactly do you take surveys? "I genuinely like doing them and they’re great for venting and sorting out thoughts and whatnot. I can just ramble and get things off my chest." <<<< This right here covers it. As well, it's just a boredom killer. And I happen to be bored very, very often. Rockband or Gutair Hero? Both are great, why choose just one? What are you listening to right now? Halocene's cover of "Helena" by My Chemical Romance. It's beautiful. What kind of energy drinks do you drink, if any? None, because I just can't do energy drinks. They taste like pure poison to me. Have you ever been swimming in a river? No. Swimming in a river sounds pretty dangerous... Does your alarm clock wake you with music, or with an annoying buzz sound? Music. When you broke stuff in the house as a child, did you blame it on siblings? I'm hoping you don't mean breaking deliberately, 'cuz I wasn't that kind of kid. But anyway, I don't believe I did. Did you make it all the way through the Oregon Trail game? Yes. I was obSESSED with those games as a kid. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Which one are you more scared of? Tigers, probably. They're so stealthy and, while I may be entirely wrong, seem like the top candidate of the three to attack a human, be it for food or defense. And have you SEEN the muscles on a tiger? Christ. Describe the best use that you’ve found for duct tape: Uh, taping things lmao. Do you wrap gifts or use gift bags? I use gift bags, because I can't wrap for shit. What fast food place do you avoid at all costs? Arby's is really gross to me. Are you afraid of deep sea creatures? Just giant squid... *shudders* Have you ever agreed to purchase something on Ebay and got scammed somehow? No. I did, however, purchase something on deviantART and never got the product. It was going to be a present for Jason. In dA's defense though, I've bought like... two or three other things from there, and there were zero issues. It's really about the people you trust. If you get a call that says “Unknown”, do you answer it? Nnnnope. Do you have any bobble head figures? No. Have your parents ever left you somewhere without realizing it? I don't think so. Have you ever been in a tanning bed? No. Did your last kiss mean anything to you? Well yeah, I wouldn't have kissed her otherwise. Would you say that you have a nice smile? No; I've been self-conscious of it since I was a kid, mostly because one of my eyes looks more squinty than the other, but they both are to me. I've always said I look high when I smile lmao. Is there an ex you want to make up with? My mind immediately screams "Jason," but I know that's a horrendous idea. Our last talk ended peacefully and even with care and good wishes, and I need my fucking impenetrable head to accept that's where it needs to end. He does NOT need to re-enter my life. It would be so bad for me. Do you remember how you felt on 9/11? I have no memory of it, if I'm being honest. What outfit makes you feel the most attractive? None. Other than yourself, who knows you the best? Really? Whoever reads these lmao. What’s one complaint that you have about school? Common Core and how every student's school experience was not tailored towards their unique goals. Like they try to cram a shitload of identical and usually useless information into a kid's brain to make them a jack of all trades, you could say, but not enough information they need to properly pursue their career future. It causes such an unnecessary amount of frustration and stress. I have many, many complaints about the education system, but this one tops the list. What do you do while you’re on campus but not in class? Back in college, I would just do stuff on my laptop. Do you know anyone who has Autism/Asperger’s syndrome? Yes. Are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not? Well, considering I'm bisexual... Do you remember life without the internet? No. Have you ever found yourself to be ugly? I've gone my entire life thinking I'm ugly, if I'm being real. What is your state’s minimum wage? $7.25 a fucking hour. :'''''') Is there something you want to say to someone but can’t/won’t? There's a few people. What is your first memory of being in a hospital? Considering my mom worked at the local hospital when I was a kid, I remember being there quite, quite young, playing with my older sister in Mom's and her coworkers' room. I think Nicole was too young to really "play." Do you have any relatives with red hair? No. What is something good that has happened to you in the past week? I got my first Covid vaccine. My arm hurts like a motherfucker now, but to protect my mom, it's worth it. Please get vaccinated. How much was the rent/mortgage at the cheapest place you’ve ever lived? That's never been my business. Have you ever been to a gay pride parade? No, but I would go to a local one if I could actually walk five feet without being in serious pain and sweating like a pig. Do you still keep in touch with your very first best friend? We're friends on Facebook, but that's it. What was the topic of the last conversation you had with your dad? I can't remember, but it was recent, because we all met at Ashley's house for Nicole's birthday celebration. How often did you visit your grandparents when you were growing up? Pretty much never, given they all lived no less than like, 10 hours (via car) from where we lived. My immediate family are the only people in NC. When two family members are fighting, what do you usually do? Stay out of it, but admittedly try to listen just to know what's going on. Do you like the smell of men’s cologne? Yeah. What’s your all time FAVORITE freezer food? Do you eat that a lot? I survive off of microwaveable freezer food, so this is very hard... uhhhhh... perhaps this Banquet bowl meal that's mac 'n cheese with spicy chicken. It's absolutely delicious, like you'd never guess that sucker was just popped in the microwave. I'd say I eat it a moderate amount; it's a reliable option if Mom's not cooking and I'm really hungry, because it's super filling. Do you like documentaries? Have you ever watched one and find it boring? I enjoy them, particularly when they're about animals. Were you ever a fan of macaroni & cheese? Do you like Kraft dinner? Ha, speak of mac 'n cheese. I love it, and Kraft makes it fine. Do you burn incense? Not as much as I used to. I love the smell and just general vibe, though. What would you consider an unacceptable first date? Going to a bar or something. Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? In the head, anyway. Is there anything currently bothering you? Multiple things. Would you say that you’ve got something ‘special’ about you? No. Do you like things vampire-related? I don't really have an opinion on vampire stuff. Are you the kind of person who does not like talking about their past? I don't care. Have you ever been to a casino? No. What’s the last thing you wore a costume for besides Halloween related events? Back when I still took dance classes and we had the yearly recital. What does your father do for a living? He's a mailman. What’s the last app you downloaded on your phone? Haha, I re-downloaded this ollllldddd game I had before, Nyan Cat: Lost in Space (or something like that?) for my niece to play. She's hooked on it now. Are you in any discomfort right now? Yeah; as I mentioned, my arm really hurts. What do you know the most about? Of all things I know, almost certainly meerkats. Are you seeing anyone? No. Have you ever hooked back up with an ex, just for sex? Was it a mistake or no? No. Have you ever gotten in trouble for using a phone in class? No, because I didn't use my phone in class. Have you seen all the Shrek movies? No, which is a fucking crime. I need to see the last one. Have you ever finished a whole video game? Plenty plenty plenty. Do you know anyone with a pet snake? Yeah, myself included. If you had to live in an extreme environment — think Sahara, Antarctica, under the sea, on the Moon— where would you want to live? Why? Probably Antarctica. I'm sure it would be unpleasant, being that cold, but I feel there's more you can do about being cold than being in the scalding heat of, say, the Sahara. Living on the moon or in the deep ocean sounds super sucky. How was your day overall? It's been okay. Not as bored as usual, at least. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Like... zero. I want to say my dad, and I almost do, just... nightmares make that very, very difficult. Plus his past. What does your mom call you? Normally just "Britt." Write a sentence in another language: Oh god, my German is so rusty... uhhhh... Hallo, ich heiße Brittany, und ich bin 25 Jahre alt und wohne in North Carolina. I think I got the grammar right? Have you ever sent an X-Rated picture to someone? No. Even if I was comfortable with my body, I would be way too paranoid to at any point have a naked picture on my phone, even if I deleted it. Like, hello blackmail, but also, nothing you delete is ever really gone permanently. What big city do you live near? Raleigh is like an hour away. Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? omg YES Is there a Sonic in your area? Yes, it's my favorite fast food joint. You have GOT to try the pretzel twists with cheese dip. Have you ever gone to a thrift store? Yeah, I love 'em. Do you think Johnny Depp is attractive? I do. Are you happy with the state you live in? No, not at all. I hate this place. Bunch of homophobic, racist rednecks. How many times have you seen the opposite sex naked? It's not like I counted every time I saw my ex naked over three and half years lmao. How many times have you seen the same sex naked? A few times. When days go by, do you cross them off on the calendar? I don't use a calendar. Are you currently counting down to something? If so, what? MY TATTOO APPOINTMENT!!!!! :''') I know I can't stop talking about it, but ugh I'm so excited. May 19th, c'mon already. Do you pay rent to your parents? No. Do you dye eggs for Easter? I used to as a kid. Not so much anymore. Are you in debt right now? For what? Oh god, I don't want to think of this. Would you ever work night crew? I really, really wouldn't want to. Humans are diurnal for a reason. Being awake in constant darkness would depress the fuck outta me, and it'd feel so lonely, with everyone I know asleep. Who was the last person that lied to you, or that you can recall lying to you? What did they lie about? How did you find out they were lying? I don't remember. Has anyone ever called you ugly, straight up, before? How did you react to this? No, not to my face. Who is the most stubborn person you know {excluding yourself}? MY MOTHER.

[thistangledbrain]

Hi there👋🏼

I’m Scottie, and I’m a 44 year old autistic mama of 2 Autie boys. I also have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (classical type).

I had been thinking of starting a blog recently, and when FB kicked me off for 30 days again for something silly right at the start of ASD Awareness Month & the kickoff of a “blog like” string of posts, I figured this was as good a time as any.

Short intro:

I didn’t know I was autistic until pursuing a diagnosis for my youngest son, a few years ago. Talking to his therapists about him, they wanted to know how I understood him so well, and how I could explain things he didn’t have words for (he was in his early teens before we pursued a formal diagnosis), like what meltdowns feel like & how we handle them. That led to the understanding that I was also on the spectrum.

Although my oldest hasn’t been formally diagnosed (sorry but I don’t have $1500 for each one of our “formal” tests, so we have to go off therapists and other shit), it’s very apparent he’s also autistic (he and I are classed under “Asperger’s”, if that label was still relevant, anyway). My youngest is a senior in HS who is a history buff & gamer, and my oldest is a sophomore at UMW, pursuing a degree in physics. They’re such incredible humans, that I wonder how they came from *me*. ☺️

So, April is Autism Awareness Month, and I wanted to actually divulge to my friends what it’s like inside my brain (for some reason, they’re genuinely curious lol), so using this handy 1-30 meme, I figured I’d do that.

A little more background: I’ve held a number of pretty interesting jobs, but the one that’s the most important to me is that I served in the United States Marine Corps when my oldest was small (joined at 24). I get a lot of curiosity from fellow vets and other auties about autistics in the military, and this is a topic I love to speak on...so just ask, if you’re curious. ☺️ Yes, I was actually a damn decent Marine, and collected some awards and certifications in my short time that mean the world to me. I happen to believe the military is actually an ideal environment for auties, if you like to push yourself. (For any curious, my MOS was 6152 - CH-46 Airframes.) I *absolutely* still consider myself a Marine (“Once a Marine, always a Marine”, as the saying goes). Honor, courage, commitment, and all the core leadership values are just naturally part of who I am as a person. And I might be “old and busted” now, but I still bite. 😉😁

The rest of my working career was spent in construction (I *love* to build, create, and work with my hands), and working with horses and dogs. Dogs are my “special interest”, and I am a fairly successful “rehab” foster for a myriad of guardian breeds, like the Cane Corso, Neapolitan Mastiff, Dogo Argentino, Dogue de Bordeaux, Great Dane, and many others. Great Danes and Cane Corsi are my favorite breeds & I adore working with both. Behavior interests me far more than obedience, though I LOVE a dialed-in working Corso, and have one who works our little rescue farm. I’m proud of his training, and the training of another who I spent a year dialing in as a service dog for another disabled Marine vet friend. (Side note: I don’t generally recommend Corsi for SD work. This was a unique need, situation, and bloodline.)

I’m a “dog nerd”...whether it’s behavior, training, health, or the various breeds and their traits, I can talk dogs with you all day. Dogs enable me to be successfully social, too, and are why I have a large network of good friends...which was impossible before I got into rescue and training. I can be as gregarious as a NT, if there’s a dog attached to me LOL...

But, a few years ago, EDS killed any hope I have ever again of holding a regular job, and even limited my ability with training.

I went through a complete identity crisis, which I’ll probably write about at some point. I feel like I’m clawing my way out of that and finding my footing again, and I’m hoping this blog will help anyone else - whether you’re an Autie, raising one of us little heathens, otherwise disabled, or just curious what it’s like to step inside the brain of someone who doesn’t think like most people.

If you’re new here, just know that I cuss like a ...well, like a Marine...I’m blunt, direct, honest, and I genuinely don’t have time for haters.

Autism is called a spectrum for a reason. I might not be like any other autistics you know...until you “get to know me” a little (easy...I’m an open book both online and off). I always encourage NTs (that’s Neurotypicals, or you “normal people” - whatever THAT means) to get to know as many autistics as you can, to help dispel myths and misunderstandings.

As a friend said - autism is simply a different operating system. You have an android and I have iOS. We can still communicate, but we just process information differently.

So welcome, pull up a chair, and know that it might get weird.

After all...if it wasn’t gonna, would you be even all that interested in being here? 😏

[thaliatimsh]

So I saw your meme about the eucharist monologue, which I loved, but the possibility of George Hodgson being autistic has lived in my head rent free ever since I saw it. It fits his behaviors so well, and to this date has been one of the most galaxy brain takes I have ever seen. I was wondering, if you don't mind of course, explaining your take on it some. I would really appreciate it!

of course! I have to say it is.... mostly just a gut instinct based on my own experiences as an autistic person with variously autistic family members (but all falling under the bracket in ASD that used to be called Asperger’s so my view is coloured by that.) and... UH, I just... feel like I recognise.

(opens UnfinishedHodgsonEssayThree.doc)

okay I am once again REALLY BAD at explaining myself, but I guess what I mean is that I can see where every mental leap Hodgson makes comes from - that he is, at his core, a man who is extroverted and friendly, wants more to be *liked* than admired - but for whom social skills don’t come naturally, and other outcomes aren’t imagined.

We catch him time and again exposition/info dumping -

+’the xing mission came aboard’ from the alternate wardroom cut - an event he was PRESENT FOR but still tells like a rote fact

+’they say she talked up a storm until her father died’

+’the word diet -’

+intro to the Comanches Bit= ‘my mother’s cousin had a relation who married Texas man, moved to a territory town there called Victoria in ‘38′... ALL OF THIS UNNECESSARY PREAMBLE

making poorly-timed/not relateable/barely-relevant/professionally inappropriate jokes

+’now she’s ~~all silence~~” @ random AB

+’they must we waltzing with that bear after all’ re: a crisis

+’[frostbite is worse because] I play the clavier back home’ @ random Marine/ship’s boy/AB re: ‘sir there is a monster out here’

+’hear hear’ about the pudding that used up their fruit

+’when the ship sets sail, make sure you’re aboard’ @ a rando caulker’s mate

+’would that be rocks here, then?’ re: caribou tastes of what it eats

+’[the beard] can’t hurt where we’re going’ @ rando caulker’s mate (??) who’s just shown aSTONISHING disrespect

+’dis-moi ce que tu manges’ @ rando NOT-caulker’s mate-turned-Godkin re: man-eating monster

PLUS a few barely-relevant personal anecdotes told more to himself than anyone else (Comanches bit/American Ham/Eucharist Monologue) - and yeah, Ep8 and The Comanches Bit in particular are what cements my opinion, which, I mean, from the top:

Little & Hodgson charge into the tent and give this absolutely confident rundown of what happened, and then we watch the surety in Hodgson’s entire bearing leave as crozier, fitzjames & blanky take him off-script. He'd known what he was doing, because he'd taken the situation at face value -

'those dastardly natives committed unspeakable acts on lt irving and mr farr! I know so because mr hickey saw it! we retaliated!'

and crozier & fitzjames would finally go 'well done george, quick thinking.'

but they don't! There are other questions! questions he's not prepared for - questions that take processing time, questions he doesn't even seem to understand why they're being asked - he hadn't previously asked them because Mr Hickey Saw Dastardly Natives Cut Lt Irving's Cock And Balls Off - when Crozier says 'I want to see the bodies' and leaves Hodgson behind in the tent, he looks utterly baffled. He's missed something, clearly, but he has no clue what it is.

We know what he's asking Little, and we know it's unfair to even pose the question to another officer - I'm getting the sinking feeling that I've fucked up - did I do the right thing? would YOU have done what I did?

and he'd take ANY ANSWER to ANY of those questions, - you've done something terrible, you're going to hell - you were right, those dastardly natives had it coming - I don't know, but I'd probably have done the same thing - but instead gets Edward Little 'If that's what you thought at the time, then that's what you thought!' it's fucking MEANINGLESS and VAGUE, Edward, listen, do you even understand why I thought what I thought? I know all about Dastardly Natives, they'll kill women and children and they'll kill us too, do you understand, do you understand, are you understanding -

And then he understands, from one bit of seal meat, barely digested - you can almost see it happen in his mind’s eye, moving the little markers of the characters around, slotting the real story back together - he must have been alone with Mr Farr - but no-one’s interested in that. all they want to know is if he’ll confirm it, and of course he will. it’s the truth.

I know it’s very funny to say Hodgson’s bad at his job but until that entire debacle... he really wasn’t. Yes, he let EC in, but the fact that he had even the SLIGHTEST inkling that EC and Hickey weren’t the same, after a single meeting of a few minutes with the first, during which time he spent most of his time writing, a month apart from the previous - I???? All that scene does is show that Hodgson has a near-preternatural memory for faces (he greets Morfin by name before getting his papers) and a non-confrontational manner.

I’ve written at length about how I think Hodgson models the social standings between the men as something like school; Crozier’s Headmaster, and Fitzjames is his teacher, and Edward’s Head Boy, and he is a prefect who is going to keep the separation between student body and staff quiet. He isn’t a Captain - he’s a Lieutenant, a prefect, a fellow student who thinks he’s better than a fellow student because the Headmaster gave him power, and when he ends up with the Rowdy Boys Mutiny Crew there’s this explicit Othering that’s... let’s be real, fully schoolyard Weird-Kid Bullying - you sit on a barrel, you get a nice china plate, you get threatened by Des Voeux because Goodsir won’t cut up the dead guy -

I don’t know. I’m totally aware that this whole thing might sound insane and the problem with Readings of Media is that they're subjective... BUT

The show was careful about how it used the names (& therefore lasting immortal images) of the men on the ship’s roster - they were real people, with loved ones and lives, and they were victims of a disaster. The entire message of the show is that W. H. Auden line: We Must Love Each Other And Die. The only character who did Unforgivably Bad Things was swapped out for an OC out of respect for that, so building some bizarro conspiracy of Personal Evil around a character who seems to just be doing their best, though weirdly - is just plain rude, and insulting to the writing, frankly.

SO, as with every character in this show, it behooves you to give the benefit of the doubt - and the benefit of the doubt leads me to “Hodgson is autistic”

[lost-in-the-spectrum]

How did I get my diagnosis for the Asperger-Synrome?

Hello Folks,

I hope you are doing well and hopefully this post will help some people out there with… whatever they need help in.

Today I’d like to tell you the story of how I actually got to my Asperger diagnosis: How did I know that there could be smth like that? How was the assessment? This post could help some people with getting prepared for an assessment like that, it could also help with even figuring out how to get to an assessment like that tho. All things which I am describing and writing in that post is only about me. These are experiences which I made and that doesn’t mean that you’re about to make the same experiences at all. Never mind if bad or good experiences ... don’t let this story unsettle you!

So... Everything started with meeting dad’s girlfriend for the first time. It was after a long search for a place to stay at. I was forced to be homeless for, I guess 6 months – luckily not longer – because me and my sister didn’t come along very well and my mother died 2013 which took my only home away from me. I also had a weird relationship to my other relatives which is the reason why I absolutely couldn’t imagine to live with them. And in addition, I couldn’t expect from the few friends I had that time that they take me to their homes and try to, you know... support me with food and all that stuff. They all had their own problems and at the same time they all haven’t had money either, especially not for a second person to feed.

So I had no other choice. My dad picked me up at my sister’s house and we both drove all the long way to Berlin, where he lived with his girlfriend. The story between us three is very difficult and private. Let’s say it at this way: Living with my mum became kinda impossible for my dad which is why he has chosen an other woman he could imagine to live with. Yes, I know, first I was furious about that decision too but after talking with my dad I could understand his point. Just to make that point clear that there is no reason to dislike him for the choices he had to make, also for himself. Anyway his girlfriend was a hard thing for me. I didn’t want to have an other woman except my mum by dad’s side and in general I was always scared of meeting her because I have never met her in my life before... and she has been in dad’s life since I was about five years old. So when we arrived at their apartment and ringed she opened the door for us. First of all: She didn’t look like I have imagined. I saw few photos of her somewhere as a kid – and thought she’d be only a good friend of dad... I was naive – and on these photos, I think, she looked a bit different. I was a little surprised, she too. But not because she didn’t know that I am coming – she did know – later she told me that she was stunned by my beauty and she was honest and serious about that thought she had. She also told me that she was scared too to meet me for the first time. She actually expected me to hate her by first sight because she knows what kind of role she’s playing in my life. I was nervous of meeting her for the first time but I’d never have been mean to her, never mind what kind of role or position she is having in my life.

We spent some time together, not only to get to know her better but also because I kinda liked her, at least for the first moments we had together. We talked a lot and went up to the bakery to bring some bread for the morning. We have done that together for many times so that I could see where to go and one morning she told me to bring the bread. So I did, I mean, we have walked that way for three times! I should know where the place is. Well, I didn't.

I walked the way I remembered but suddenly the streets and surrounding looked a little different to me. Or no, they didn't. It was the same as before but I couldn't find the way we both walked together. My “inner navigation” was so bad all of sudden, I didn't even know that it apparently was. So I went to the wrong bakery where the bread we always used to buy was a little more expensive. I was so overdone with that that I didn't care. I bought 5 breads for us, two for dad, two for her and only one for me. We all used to have two breads for the morning but I couldn't afford the second one for me. When I came back I told her my issue and explained that I didn't know where to go so I bought the bread in that bakery where I was. I was disappointed and upset and I didn't hide it. I never really do. She was understanding or at least not angry at all, she just said that we can go the way again or she tries to explain me the way. In the next times I found the right bakery but I seriously needed a self drawn map to find it … even though we have been walking there for three times.

Then one evening, she made some dinner- stuffed paprika with beef and rice and a really nice tomato sauce – and we started talking again about the issue I had. She started telling me that she thinks I could have a kind of disorder which I should already have had since the age of at least five.* She asked me then: 'Have you ever heard of the Asperger-Syndrome?” I of course said that I've never heard about that and asked what it is supposed to be. 'It is Autism or at least one of the many sorts of in the spectrum.' First I thought she's kidding me and in fact annoyed that I have got so many issues with things so that she called me like that or seriously thinks I should be autistic because I seem to be unable to do things. I thought she was offending me because all I knew about these people to that time is that they have a special or even strange behaviour. Also I mixed all these people up and have put them in one box because that is all I heard about them. I didn't know better. Then before I could ask if she's serious she already started telling me why she thinks like that: The way I talk, the fact that I never or barely looked in her eyes while we talked, the fact that I had that issue with finding the way which is actually a simple one – yes, it was... - and my talent and passion for drawing comics and illustrations in a really little time and almost totally perfectly. In addition the things my dad told her, how I was as a little kid and that I had problems to find the one or other friend at school as I never wanted to play with other kids in the kindergarten... she told me that all these things are very familiar to her. She is French-, English-, and German teacher and at the same time she worked half time in the school psychology to test children if they are gifted or having special problems with certain exercises and subjects. She has met many children there and some of them where autistic and behaved almost exactly like me. She also told me what's typical for that syndrome and the more she told me the more I recognized myself in her description. I was surprised and confused, nobody has ever told me about that before, no one ever mentioned that I could have it. I was only the antisocial, bad behaving kid – fun fact: bad behaving because I didn't always say thank you to someone – and many people didn't like me for that. She told me that we could make an online testing first before we start to maybe contact someone who's an expert in it. I agreed, what could go wrong? And I really wanted to know.

So, we made the online test which includes some general questions about my behaviour and “attitude” and the result told us: there is a high possibility for me to have the Asperger-Syndrome. It wasn't to 100% sure that I have it but it was a reason to contact that one person who's an expert in it and who could tell if I have. So dad's girlfriend contacted him and made an appointment. Unfortunately I was meant to wait over a year to get an appointment there and to finally figure out what's wrong with me. We didn't want to wait so we paid... and then we had an appointment just one week later.

We drove to Potsdam near Berlin where the person lived. We met him at his house – yes, where he lived and had his private life – and introduced ourselves, told him that we made this appointment with him because we think I could have the Asperger-Syndrome. And then he started to test me in different tasks. First of all I had to answer some several questions on a piece of paper. How do I feel in certain situations, what are my interests and hobbies, in which things I am absolutely not interested in even though these things are normally interesting to people at my age. I also had to watch pictures of human eyes to tell if these are happy, sad, angry or else. Then he asked my father about my childhood and if there was any special behaviour those days. Dad told what the matter was: I haven't had many friends, spent a lot of time alone in my room drawing comics for almost 2 hours because without that I got nervous and also aggressive. I needed this to feel comfortable. I had a strong imagination and fantasy, could create adventurous stories in a short time and when I was little – about 5 years old – I walked around with a little piece of paper or a small straw of wheat and talked to it or had conversations with it. Sometimes I even created conversations between two personalities, some kind of role play and all in my mind. People kept saying that this isn't a point because little kids mostly have a huge imagination in playing but the way I imagined was special and maybe a little odd. He also mentioned that on some days at my age 'now' – so eighteen those days – I've been sitting at the computer for about three hours – on some days less or even more �� playing The Sims 3 creating crazy characters and building crazy houses. The way my dad told him seemed worried and I had such a feeling that my dad tried to convince that man to tell me that this isn't normal and I should stop that. But the man didn't say anything about it. He just wrote it down for the results if I've got the syndrome or not. The  assessment was made of talking and answering to questions on a paper including some “riddles” I had to solute. And at the end of it – after six hours including a little break in between – the man told us that he'll check my answers out. He wasn't sure if I really got it but he could tell that he thinks I may got an attention disorder which prevents me to be focused all the time and which makes me easy to get distracted. And so we left the place and got prepared to wait for the results... until today.

Yes, you read correctly: I haven't got the results by that man until today and the appointment at his place was already about six years ago. Getting a diagnosis never lasts that long so we've tried to contact this man for many times. Not only my dad and his girlfriend but also doctors and psychologists later. Never got an answer and never got the diagnosis if there even was one.

Before this the relationship between me and dad's girlfriend got worse and dad and her began to argue really often. I didn't know if this happened more often than I realized and if they already argued before I came around but I felt kinda uneasy and even a little guilty for that. I also have an insecure personality disorder which makes me often and easily think to be guilty in many things even though it's not the truth. The arguing lasted pretty long and I realized it was probably because of me just like I thought. One time I passed their bed room and just by accident I listened and heard what she said about me. She said since I've been there they argue really often and that I might be the reason for it. I felt very bad for it and that situation got worse.

Later my dad apparently decided to leave with me. He planned to live at his brother's place with me as long as we try to figure out what to do next. The late afternoon before we left, dad's girlfriend sat at the table in the kitchen and she was sad, crying of course. I joined her and before I could ask what the matter is – I mean I knew it but yet I wanted to ask – she just looked into my eyes, furious, sad, disappointed, that's what I could tell because there wasn't anything to misunderstand in that look... she told me again, that dad is gonna leave her for me and I just replied that I am sorry for that, feeling guilty and that I never meant to make that happen.

She just said: 'Well I can't take that feeling of guilt away from you. And I don't want to. If I have to suffer, you should suffer too.'

Those words were very hard. They hurt me and made me feel like a huge mistake. I started thinking many thinks because... I wasn't just depressive. I was suicidal. And that feeling got stronger after hearing this. My dad gave me my suitcase and took his own one. We went downstairs and put them into the car. Then we left.

Some time ago I got a kind of 'legal guardian ', a very nice woman who took care of formal things and who also took a look on my money on my bank account. Her job was it to support me with all these things in life. My dad told her about the disaster we were in and that it's an emergency. So the woman did her best and found a place for me to stay at: A 'social psychological' commune for young people with depressions and other conditions – like me. This commune was in Kiel. My dad and I drove to that place for an introducing meeting to get to know the commune. It was a very nice place, the house was kind of 'JugendStil', so pretty vintage but also modern in either way. The educators there and also the Chef of the commune, a woman at the age of about 35 I guess, were totally nice to me. They noticed the emergency and understood why it was so important to me to finally get help. They met me as a very skinny, depressive person who was tired of life and being. I moved there and had finally the chance to be able to build up an own life.

Living in this commune I also found a psychologist there where I mentioned my Asperger-Syndrome which people think I could have. She started to contact the man in Potsdam too, even twice, as did my 'legal guardian '. No success, no answer, neither to the phone nor to the mail address. But it was certain that we need this diagnosis to maybe find the right therapy for me. So my psychologist contacted an other woman who is also making  assessments   like that. She came around one day and met me, started the assessment. But this  assessment was different. This time my dad wasn't there to tell how I was a child. I repeated the things he told the man in Potsdam and answered to some questions the woman asked me. About my attitude, behaviour and so on. Actually the same but without testing sheets. At the same time she had a white board next to her and explained me what the Asperger-Syndrome actually is, how differently 'our' brain works in contrast to people without the syndrome. That was pretty interesting and something the man in Potsdam didn't do. I got tested in it and at the same time  I learned what it actually is. I also gave permission to be filmed while she's testing me. I still have the video here and it's so weird to see how I looked those days. Much more different than now.

At the end of it all she told me: 'Well, you indeed got it. There is no doubt.' I was happy but confused at the same time. How is it possible that a person who is known for  assessments  like that wasn't sure about my syndrome but this woman who got the same knowledge has no doubts that I'm having it?

I then finally got my diagnosis that day and to be honest: I had a feeling that my life would turn into a better and more confident one because I finally knew who I am.

So Folks, that's my story how I got the diagnosis. It's a pretty long text but I needed to tell you everything what happened to finally get the explanation of who and what I am. You see, the way to this diagnosis can be very long and complicated. The man hasn't given me my diagnosis yet until today, there for I got it from an other person at the same day where I got tested and it was obviously clear that I have it.

Maybe you're prepared now if you should ever want to get tested and as I've already said: This is only my story. It could be that you'll get an appointment much quicker than me and that you get your diagnosis just some days or weeks later – not like with that man who has never given me this until today – maybe you also get the result on the same day as I got from that woman. Just be sure and think about these things before you try to get an appointment: Do you really need it because you want to know what's wrong with you? Because you need special help which you can only get if you have that diagnosis? Would it help you or others to understand you? Or do you actually have no issues with it so that it doesn't matter? Think about these questions before you go on a probably exhausting journey as me, prepare yourself and listen to what your heart needs. My heart needed an explanation for my personality to realize that it's not because of me people got problems with my personality. It's because of them because they have never taken the time to figure out what kind of person I am.

Just saying: There are many people who love the way I am. I seem to be a cool person, not as crap as some idiots tried to make me think.

Have a good day, friends! See you later!

[thejosh1980]

How did we get here?

Since my last post “Don't you know that you're toxic?”, I thought more and more about how I (and when I say I, I mean we as people) process things happening in and around our lives.

How did we get here?

In my 20's, I worked in the UK in offices with a lot of other folks. My work was very computer based, and I enjoyed figuring out the quickest and easiest way to get things done. I learned the old school ways, but I was eager to find a new process that helped speed up my work. I learned a lot of short cuts and eventually had a quick workflow. People were impressed.

Some colleagues would process everything manually just as their bosses had shown them, but I spent the time figuring how to get a quicker answer from a larger sample of data by refining my skills.

I realized it was the process that I was really interested in.

How could I do this more efficiently? How could I make sure I am getting the most out of this workflow? Is this even my responsibility? Can I change how I am doing this, to get better faster and get more accurate results?

Is this the best way to do this?

This is how I still live my life, except rarely is it in front of a database anymore, now it's more about how I reflect and develop myself. I still feel it is not the result that I care so much about, it's about how you get to that result.

Let's take the blog post I published about my ex partner.

I published that blog to process my thoughts and feelings. I felt things, realized I'd bottled it up too long and it was time to let it out. I felt that as I had written a few blogs recently which helped me process my feelings and thoughts on both happy and sad subjects and I was happy with the development within myself after posting, I would do it again. I wanted to express how I processed our relationship, break up and post break up mess. Easy.

So, what was really interesting to me was how other people processed my blog so differently.

Extremes at both ends!

There were also the ones who didn't respond; didn't say anything, why is that? Because they didn't care or have any thoughts about what I wrote? Because they didn't want to have a conversation with me that they thought might become awkward? Because they already saw negative comments and didn't want to give an opinion for or against?

I received private messages from folks who understood the purpose of the blog and how I still cared for my ex and mean her no harm. I had other people who (may or may not have read the blog completely) felt I was cruel and mean to publish such a thing and decided to publicly shame me.

Ironically, these messages and comments (good or bad) are just people's reaction after processing their thoughts and feelings as I had done while writing it.

In fact, while I write (even now) I refine how I write... It's a process within a process... Am I writing this document the best way I can? Is it complete? Should I clarify points further or delete parts that are useless information? Am I writing how I really feel or am I glossing over parts?

Funnily enough, I am surprised that none of the comments on the negative side affected me. I felt totally fine about someone called me a name or told me I was not a good person for posting something.

I realize I have learnt to process those negative responses in a way that doesn't actually affect me personally. That was an outcome which I did not expect, but I was really pleased about.

In therapy we did talk about how people have treated me at times. My doc helped me realize while it's not OK, I should remember anyone's opinion of me, is just that: it's their opinion.

I really enjoyed the fact that I didn't feel any issue about them taking issue to my writing. Having a different point of view is totally fine. In fact I encourage folks to contact me to give me feedback, although I do prefer constructive criticism over personal attacks. But either way, I'm fine with it.

I stopped drinking alcohol almost 6 years ago... What a process that was, but I got there.

I hit my rock bottom in early 2015 (not surprisingly during a drunk fight with the above mentioned ex) and to get out of a psychiatric hospital in a foreign country, I promised the doctor I would not drink again. Just so you know, I have never felt better after making that decision, but the processing of my feelings, anxiety and depression were far from over.

Even to this day I am learning new ways to cope, to evaluate and to process in my heart, mind and soul what is happening around me and, more importantly, within me.

Ask any of my old band members, they'll remember in mid 2017 when I was a couple of years sober, I was struggling on tour socially. At the time I couldn't handle tour life. You see, I used to drink to medicate myself to be the life of the party. Now, as I had to face the issue of social anxiety head on or stay in bed, I realized I had to open up to my band members and ask them for support and understanding while I process what was happening within me.

I was learning to process my insecurities. I learned that speaking up isn't such a bad thing. Being vulnerable isn't such a bad thing...

After all, I'm only human...

It took me many months to come to terms with another band whose band members weren't actually friends. I thought all bands members in all bands were friends. After all they share the cool vibes on stage... It's how I have experienced it all my life. But this was a working band. Eventually the only way I could go on was by thinking, “this is a job, and you don't always have to get along with your colleagues as friends.” I figured out a process that worked for me! I had to act on stage, and off stage, well, I did my own thing. It was tough at first, but I got there... After all, it is a process.

By the way, those band members weren't particularly mean, they just had their way and I had to learn it. No harm, no foul.

For 7 years, with the help of my therapist in Germany, I learned more and more ways to cope, to process and to learn. I'm forever grateful for that process we went through together. The workflow... The goals... The listening... The talking... It was an amazing experience...

Now that I don't have a doc, I'm finding new ways to cope with my issues (a new process to replace the old process...). That would be this blog... Just writing about my problems helps me process them and learn that really, I am doing well, I am handling things pretty well and my future isn't as gloomy as I once thought.

I have surrounded myself with some amazing friends and I have a great family too. Just like talking to my band members, opening up and talking about my problems and fears has really given my life a positive turn.

I always thought I should behave like a man... And a man shouldn't cry, shouldn't tell someone he loves them (other than his Mum and wife) and has a duty to be stoic and tough... I am not that kind of man... I am human... I make mistakes, I have feelings and I know now, to talk about it all, to share it, helps me process it.

Often, just pressing “publish” after writing gives me a wave of relief.

For months and months I've been holding in my feelings about my daughter, Mijita, who I blogged about a few weeks ago. I had many sleepless nights, crying in frustration that I let her go. I couldn't even look at a photo of her, without crying and feeling guilty. I felt pain. I was silly, and kept a lot of that in. I had to change how I was processing the loss of her in my life.

Then I wrote about her.

I hadn't told anyone (other than a few close friends) how important she is to me until that public display of love and devotion. And it was a like a 1000 kilos were taken off my shoulders...

Today I looked at a few photos of her, and I smiled. She is such a wonderful dog, and I miss her so, but now I'm starting to think back with happiness. We spent 4.5 years together, trained, swam, hiked and explored the world together. We grew together, she was my first. I am learning to be grateful for her in my life, not sad that she's no longer with me.

I've started to process the grief I felt.

Writing about Mijita has helped me so much with the trauma of saying goodbye to her... What a process... I'm so glad I figured out a way to find love again...

I will not look at my phone ever again just before going to sleep. Why? Because if I do get any message, from anyone, it sets the mood for my sleep. If I had just learned not to read those messages earlier, I'd have slept better on many many occasions.

The process is, don't look at your phone if you wanna sleep well tonight. I love learning...

Yes, I know it's a pretty simple thing to know—most of us know it—but my wife could easily read a message before bed and just roll over and sleep... Me, my brain thinks and thinks and doesn't let up. I'm going around in circles in my head, then I start thinking about other things, the past, the future... scenario after scenario... And I'm wide awake for another 2 hours... Sometimes crying... Sometimes wishing I could shut off... Damn you boy, just don't pick up the phone!

Speaking of my wife, she has ASD. Yes, that means she has what most of us know as Aspergers.

I'm always learning new processes to help our relationship. She is a unique person, and unlike most folks I know. I have learned to be as direct as possible. To be as open as possible. To make sure I am clear with any “suggestions”. I've learned to listen to her too, and to clarify anything that could be a “suggestion” or a direct request. I know she processes things differently to me, so I have to take steps towards her if I want to communicate with her.

We have a workflow, a process, a relationship. It's unique to us, and it works for us. It keeps us talking openly. It keeps us in love.

I know I have to keep an eye out for her in social situations so that she doesn't feel too overwhelmed and she knows full well how my anxiety can kick in (sometimes at the same time!). We help support each other's process... And gosh damn it, I love the fact that we process our processes together..

Sometimes I forget about my past. What I mean is, I forget that I lived in Germany or the UK, I have like a black spot in my memory. I may even forget some of my friends! I forget some of the wonderful experiences I have had in my 18 years there. The next minute, I'm sad and missing the hell out of Europe!! What's up with that?? I still haven't figured that one out... Any ideas?

Of course then I feel guilty that I even forgot such amazing people, places and experiences in my life!

I've had long discussions with Alex about ourselves and others, figuring out ways to process what is happening within us and around us. We suggest theories back and forwards at a rate of knots. I've also had long extensive discussions with close friends about “people”, and how and why they do the things they do... Or how and why I do things... ! I love it... The theoretical hypothesis... and sometimes conclusions... And sometimes more processing... Sometimes no solution...

Recently I've been working on my part of Alex's visa application to live in Australia. It's a real pain in the butt, but part of the process for me, was figuring out the workflow and best practices to systematically provide evidence of our genuine and continuous relationship. Here I am at a computer, once again, figuring out the best way to make sure nothing is left behind, the results are full and complete and that I am satisfied with the quality of my work.

I continuously question what I am doing... Is it the best way? Can I do better?

Refine the process... Strive for success... Develop Ideas... Evaluate solutions...

Don't we all do that??

If I'm not happy with how I feel, or how I'm feeling about something, I look at the way I've been dealing with it. I look at ways to change the process to gain a more comfortable feeling/result. Maybe I look at it from a different point of view. Maybe I question my reasons for feeling bad in the first place. Maybe I ask someone to be a sounding board for ideas how to cope better.

Often times, the solution, or change of process that I come up with, is not an easy one to execute, sometimes it confronts my belief system, sometimes it's really hard (like a break up) but the result is actually an easy life... Didn't someone once quote “hard choices, easy life... easy choices, hard life” ???

I hope my ex will reach out one day, to show me she has learned how to process breakups in a new and much improved way. I mean, that would be awesome, wouldn't it? I'd love to learn how she got to that point, what thought process she took. What feelings she had to get to the point she could contact me again.

I'd answer her call without malice, without agenda, without judgement. Only interest... Cause my first question would be:

“How did we get here?”.

That's right, no hard feelings. Not to my ex, not to those who wrote negative comments, not to anyone...

Honestly I've just tried to use this blog as a way to process my thoughts and feelings, to help you and me, by sharing what's on my mind and in my heart.

Thanks for reading and being part of the process,

Josh