#yes I am a depressed bitch
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Today I had the experience of going out with some college friends (not my friends but my friend’s friends) and I realize all of them stayed in touch after college, they still talk, go out, they still know the same people, and when they talk it’s like they are in college again. And I kept watching them, I was with them but I wasn’t. I was the one they kept asking to move a chair so they could talk, to change sits, the one that didn’t get the joke. It made me feel like I was back in high school: lonely, desperate and anxious. Eager to have friends, real friends.
Everything that I hate feeling in any social situation.
And it’s not about this group in particular (I don’t really like them), but it made me realize that in any setting of my life, I don’t have this group. I don’t have friends that care, that kept in touch, that reached me. It made me realize that in that table or in any other table if I died right there nobody would bet an eye. Besides my family, nobody truly cares. And after my parents die, I will be truly alone. Nobody is gonna be there for me. And its fuckin terrifying and depressing to know that.
It makes me conclude something that I was always afraid to be true: It is not that having friends as an adult is hard, it is possible, but the problem is me.
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#Yes I am projecting#Look mate being fat depressed and socially anxious w/ a resting bitch face growing up does that to ya#shitposting
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8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)
#i guess it affected me more than i'd like to#i don't want to make people uncomfortable#and i am sorry if i did that with any of my posts i know they have been overly emotional and maybe a bit insane#it's true that i am trying to deal with losing and finding peace i am not very good at this due to my intense emotions#and my fear of loneliness and losing people. i am also in a very bad depressive episode. i am aware that this isn't an excuse for any#of my behavior. i never had a support system so dealing with all this on my own and getting no therapist who is willing to see you#it's a downer. guilt is eating me alive and my mental condition is the something that has ruined a lot for me but it has never before done#such a terrible job before. recovering from that and dealing with the aftermath of this is exhausting and has taken a toll on my physical#and mental health i know this post doesn't mean anything to most of all and is at best confusing but i guess it's my poor attempt#of avoiding that people will hate me. i don't want to self-pity more than i already did. but i do that all on my own already.#i know that life is so much more difficult than fiction and you can't expect miracles or believe in faith to fix anything#i know there is no cure to who i am. i can only try to navigate it better in the future. it doesn't mean that i can't regret what i did.#that i can't feel guilty about it. i know that won't change anything but i am also trying to get better and i understand if that's not#visible. i just have to believe that one day it will be enough for people to say 'hey. i know you are fucked up.#and you hurt me and you've been a bitch. but we'll work on it. i believe in you.' otherwise i have to believe that this loneliness#is all there is and that i'm gonna die hollow#i don't want much. i just want some patience and peace#i want to believe that i am worthy of love and that i can get a future. and yes. me talking about wanting a wife and this stupid apple pie#life... maybe it's cliche and stupid but i have been alone for years and i am so tired of fighting. is it so bad that i don't want to do#this alone? and that goes for friends as well. i want to cook for people built things and tend to a garden to take care of animals#and to create instead of destroying for once.#i don't know why i am still writing i guess when the dam breaks... again. i am sorry for ever making people uncomfortable or even hurting#them that was never my intention. i promise#so i really hope. whoever is reading this. i hope you are doing alright. i hope you had/have a good day. tell the people you care about#you love them and enjoy the little things. read that book. eat that chocolate or do whatever brings you joy. the world is so difficult to#navigate but you are doing such a great job by just existing. you are making this world a better place with the light you radiate#the last thing I want to do something I never can forgive myself for is hurting people#not only but especially the ones I care about. but beyond that those I barely know too because I care about you guys too#I just don't want that... I want to leave the world better than I found it but I'm having a hard time doing it due to this stupid fucking#brain of mine.
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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these#I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH#WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
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Ahhh life is so good today i have done so much :)
Drawn today? Yes
Studied? Yes (for two hours … thats a lot for me ok … no hate)
Found any good drawing references? Yes all ready for when i wanna draw next
Got any good fics to read? Yep started a great one last night and still reading it :)
Written anything for posting? Yes sir all lined up in my drafts just needs editing
Got up before midday? Yes ma’am 8am, bright and early (for once)
Been productive? Sir yes sir … Done a lot today
Left the house today? Uh huh … went to the shops , looked at art supplies, did the grocery shopping and bought lunch
Good weather? 100% my fav … Rainy and cold just how i like it (I can wear my hoodie!)
Eaten real food? Yeppers … i had sausages for breakfast and a donut as a snack
Eaten lunch? Yassss … avocado sushi w soi sauce (i probs spelt that wrong haha)
Had something to drink? Why yes… yes i have (coffee and juice)
Spoken to my lovely Anons? Why yes i have
Heard from friends? Texting and happy (making plans to hang out)
Stressed? No who’s she? (Feeling ready for exams and happy)
Made the tags on this post unhinged? Of course i did
Im so proud of myself rn :))
#making depression my bitch rn#slayyy#im so happy rn#is this what i feels like to be a functional member of society#shitpost kinda?#do i know what a shitpost is? nope. absolutely not.#does that stop me tagging it ask one? also no#am i asking myself questions rn? yes#am I crazy? maybe#hotel? trivago#i swear im not on something rn im just happy#well i am on antidepressants but like… who tf isnt at this point#normal people dont exist you just havent found out whats wrong with you yet#livin my best life rn#depression has given dobby a day off… dobby is freeeeee#these tags are unhinged#i promise i did take my meds today#maybe im just delusional#if so i hope it never ends
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Blitzø would listen to Mother Mother in the 2015 depressed tumblrina way, ykwim?
Like he'd blast Burning Pile at 2 am while fighting the naughtiest fucking demons, he'd listen to Body on loop for 5 hours after the nastiest breakdown, he's pining for Stolas and coping by singing Calm Me Down and Carve a Name, he cries himself to sleep on his van while Happy is playing, my man would not be normal about it.
#lycan.txt#'Is this you having a kinnie moment Adri?' don't be silly! this is in character it has nothing to do with MY demons and MY breakdowns!#Also yes I am STILL That 2015 Depressed Tumblrina bitch I listen to Mother Mother when mentally unwell like Body is THE Body Dysphoria song#anyways unrelated but totally related best Mother Mother album is Eureka#Happy and Burning Pile are such Blitz songs and Calm me Down is such a Stolitz song y'all don't gotta agree I am RIGHT and I know it
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me when the meds i’ve been taking everyday actually work: 😧
#no cause why am i surprised#like yes bitch anti depressants made you less depressed what did you expect
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idk why im doing this
but this is me singing Trust Me Not (Villain and Hero Duet) by Backseat Vagabond
#green bear spam#i dont like how it sounds but i have to realise that ill almost never like something that i create#that at least in the mental state in which i currently am i wont be able to truly appreciate myself#because yes depression is a bitch but i suppose also a bit of daddy issues
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Imagine sending your best friend a vocal of you talking for 5 minutes straight about how your brother is a fucking bitch
#this man is too much#five fucking minutes#and bro try to talk to me casually after that#bro juqt insulted me for being depressed#sorry it's not like you've been depressed for like a month#oh wait yes you did#and how i don't care about people's feeling when everytime you open you're fucking mouth i end up crying#he calls me immature#and everytime we go on vacation he can't even do his fucking suitcase#you're a fuckinf baby#my mom had to blow your nose till you were 14#you're a fucking child#and you find h*tler funny#you can't help yourself but do nazi salute every chance you have#you're racist homophobic and sexist#you fetishes lesbians children and asian people#how am i in the wrong here?!#you hit me all the time#you're a bitch#i despite you#and everytime i don't laugh at your stupid jokes you tell i have no second degree#but being racist is not funny you asshole#nor is being sexist#your friends literally let you down because you treated them like crap#they couldn't stand you anymore#and i don't either#but i can't go because you're my fucking brother#sometimes i understand your friends#and you made fun of me in front of them to seem cool#or in front of a girl who didn't care about you but you kept forcing and you made her uncomfortable
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The Great Almighty Apartment Deep Clean of 2024
is officially underway. My bathroom is the cleanest gd place in this whole building now. It's like stepping into an entirely new universe.
I did that. Me. All by myself. /proud bean
#also my boyfriend said he's proud of me and cussed saying it which i'm already learning means the utmost sincerity from him#and i am like mush and soup now this man is gonna be the death of me#but ye i have a bed being delivered soon and i want a clean af house to work with when i reorganize my bedroom for it#and my apartment is absolutely wrote off i am the picture of depression funk in here#but not the bathroom now#now you could eat off that fucking floor go ahead no don't#idk it's rented it might have older nasties i don't know about that bleach can't kill#anyway i'm supposed to be making food or something now that i'm done for the day#tomorrow i start on the kitchen and forgive myself if i don't get it all done in one go#i'm only allowing myself two hours a day to obsessively let myself deep clean bc otherwise i will literally work myself into a mess#mess being not taking a break lest i lose momentum so i end up unable to move the next day for all the strain#my apartment only has... five rooms total#so between now and the 15th for two hours a day? should be enough to get this place show-worthy#then i can happily host whoever and whatever i want watch me go#self improvement#battling depression like a boss ass bitch
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Technically I made a whole ass side blog thingy to post abt writing like 2 years ago but I legit forget abt it 99.9% of the time.
But JEBUS CRISPYSHTICKS IN A BATHTUB WITH FIREWORKS how tf do you actually publish shit???
#writing#writers problems#publishing#?????#also page counts and formatting are both bitches idk man they just are#poetry problems#poetry book#poetry and prose#i asked my mother if she thiught people would want to read my depressing poetry and she said yes but i doubts hmm....#its 4:50 am i am editing and feeling nauseous (bc i always do) and now i actually have to type up the edits so i cry
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look at me look at me
ya lookin’?
#❕ irene is speaking.#I TASTE GOOD BUT I JUST#HAD TO REDIRECT MY COOKING#I COULDVE BEEN AN OPENER#I REDIRECT THE BOOKING#I READ ALL THE COMMENTS SAYIN#D IM REALLY SHOOKETH#D YOU NEED TO SEE A THERAPIST IS YOU LOOKIN???#YES THE ONE I GOT THEY REALLY ARE THE BEST#NOW I FEEL LIKE I CAN SEE YOU BITCHES IS DEPRESSED#I AM NOT AFRAID TO FINALLY SAY SHIT WITH MY CHEST!#LOST A LIL WEIGHT BUT I AINT NEVER LOST A TUSHY#LOOKIN GOOD BUT NOW MY BALD HEAD MATCH MY PUSSY 😙
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Lesbian PE coach
Favorite saying
Reach for the stars at least you won't come up with a handful of mud.
*on a side note unrelated
Mmm, don't forget...*bites lip*
That fucking ride baby girl.
#innin a constant state of deja vu#nah I am good on being friends with ms weed#some head of steam yelling at me#bitch you fucked up#oh you must be in the matrix!#no but you are#you: how sweet he still LOVES my vagina#how about ananana#I used to live how you would blush#but it wasn't the shy kind#your capillaries were being opened#your Goddess is suffering a migraine for you though#Lilith just third eye beamed Eve after Adam said show her#like I can rest knowing you knew I always would have and wanted you#not knowing if you remembered me bothered the fuck out of me#I know *#shrugs*#I never took up a victim mentality until I needed something to shake the depression#ah yes the cat that is just slowly taking the repairer of reputations apart#probably the greatest opening to a weird book ever#if the Germans had won#78 lay them straight#if you want to talk about imoressions#that Fucking thing put us where we were in the white wind so we should do that with each other#yes a nice 121 from you will be a nice way to relax for me though#and you get to do two of your favorite things at once#if anyone understands how visual Inam it would be you#I know I am sitting there like look on the down low we are gonna need to get you really really realy wet#hahaha why?#trust me
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I'm so fuckin annoying and I am so sorry for the way that I am if it is any condolences I also do not want me to be this way.
#this is about my bitch and i am fully fabricating feelings for him so i can stoke off the demons#the demons are existence. i am quite depressed.#me#is pursuing men a form of self harm for me? yes! do i keep thinking this time it will actually make things better? also yes!
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of course other women want your boyfriend
pairing: nanami kento x reader
tags: nanami is 34. is that a warning? lol.
"your dad's kinda hot."
the bar isn't too full, just the regular crowd, and then some. of course there were other college kids, none that you knew. well, except this one.
you've seen aiko around, always at the back of the class. not that that's worth shaming, you ended up back there too often due to sleepy mornings to be looking down on her.
no, it's the constant bitching and laughing during class that pissed you the fuck off. not an ounce of respect or decorum for the rest of you depressed losers just trying to make it out of class with notes that made sense, or the poor professor, who has long since given up on admonishing her. so maybe you did once tell her off in the middle of class a week before finals. just once. or twice.
and here she is, having tapped on your shoulder as you were sipping your drink, bitching and laughing with her friends hanging behind her, snickering along.
"that's not my dad," you reply, ticked off.
her eyes widen in faux shock. "even better then! I didn't wanna make it too messy for you. what's his instagram?"
you laugh, bunching up your shoulders, finally putting down your drink and getting up. you're usually not the jealous type, and you're not even feeling jealous right now, more like a bubbling irritation.
"he doesn't have an Instagram. he's thirty four, what instagram do you think you're gonna be hitting him up on, huh?"
"thirty four? he looks forty plus at least! I didn't know being with a stuck up bitch like you would age a man like that, but makes sense!" she scoffs, looking you up and down.
"so you can pick up on social cues! I was wondering how you couldn't figure out that he's my boyfriend from the kiss he gave me or, perhaps from the way he was holding me, but turns out you're just a rude bitch who wants to slather her fingers all over my boyfriend!" you snap at her.
that makes a few people around you look over, and as much as you wanted to smack her across her face, you needed to maintain your standards.
"then where is he now? where's your boyfriend? and which forty year old brings his little girlfriend on a night out to a bar like-"
"there you are, sweetheart."
kento slides his arm around your waist, slipping into the seat next to yours.
nanami kento. thirty four. food critic! 6' 1", honey blonde hair slicked back, but a few pieces spill out on to his face, deep brown eyes that are both soft and sharp. his white shirt's sleeves rolled up to his elbows showing his thick forearms, veiny with light, golden hair. the bar and the girl in front of you almost fade to the back of your mind when his cologne hits your nose, sending you into a daze.
almost.
"ken!" you breathe.
"did i keep you too long? you know satoru, refusing to get to the point," he frowns, dropping a kiss on your forehead. "what's got you all worked up?"
"hey!"
his eyes leave yours to look at aiko. "yes?"
"how come she doesn't bring you around more often? she's always all by herself, in her own little world! so shy, really! i'm aiko, we go to class together!" she smiles at him, all cute and bubbly like.
"what are you trying to do?" you ask, shouldering youself between kento and her. "you trying to swoop in and show him a better life or something? do you need attention that bad?"
"oh my god, you guys, look she's getting all bothered!" she gasps to her friends around her. "no babe i didn't mean it like that, i just meant it like i am personally, SO happy that someone like you's found love, you know? even if it's with someone who is SO different from you, you're finally out of your shell, and clearly, there is someone for everyone!" she gushes, and then looks over your shoulder at kento.
"why are you looking at him, look at me," you interject, something finally snapping in you. kento can sense the change in you, and places his hands on your waist.
"sweetheart, i think- "
you appreciate it, but you can handle this, you're FINE.
"no no," you repeat, "look at me! because do you think he's gonna treat you the way he treats me? do you think he's gonna keep up with your bullshit, and your little friend group and not see you for the pathetic attention seeking loser you are? you think he's gonna buy you the stuff you want and take you to all your raves and whatnot? this man goes to sleep every night by eleven thirty! you don't see him at parties because he's thirty four fucking years old, and his definition of a night out is wine and fine dining, with ME! he treats me like this, and buys me whatever the fuck i want, because i'm me, he's not gonna treat you like that babe!"
"don't get all worked up!" aiko spits "we can just be friends, you know!" she twirls her hair, her eyes still on kento.
"what are you twirling your hair for? he's not even looking at you, the only thing that that's gonna do is make you even balder. spending all your time trying to poach another bitch's man the whole time your bald spot's been making direct eye contact with me."
she gasps, and deep down you know you would never say that to a girl unless she absolutely deserved it, and aiko has been begging for it.
kento squeezes your waist, standing up, towering over you from behind.
"baby, she said she just wanted to be friends, didn't she?" he asks. "why don't you give her my instagram?"
aiko chuckles, seeming to have recovered. she pushes her phone into his hands, instagram open, and he hands it over to you diligently.
you scoff and type in his username, pressing the follow button and shoving it back to her.
"now that that's done," sighs kento, holding you. "it's getting a little hot in here, isn't it honey? let's get this scarf off of you."
his hands unfasten the scarf that you had tied around your neck, that you're sure aiko just attributed to poor fashion sense. despite the previous chaos, your eyes follow his thick fingers as the open the knot, and unloop the scarf from around your neck, causing the scarf to slip out and leave you neck bare in the deep v neck top you had put on this morning.
deep red and purple bruises litter your neck, all the way down to your breasts, disappearing off behind the lace borders of the neck of your top.
kento stares at you, smug and unclouded desire clear on his face. he slides his hands up and holds the sides of your neck firmly, squeezing slightly. he pulls you closer and your lips meet in a deep kiss, his thumbs rubbing slow circles on your cheek. the kiss leaves you breathless as he pulls away and leans back in to place on more kiss on your wet, parted lips, taking you by surprise.
"that's perfect," he thumbs on one of the hickies, eyes never leaving you. "my perfect girl."
warmth floods up your chest and face. a smile can't help but spread across your face as you lean into him.
"let's go, love. dinner, wine and that eleven thirty nap time awaits us," he chuckles, taking your hand, gathering your bag and turning away to leave, not a single glance given to aiko.
aiko!
you turn to her, a lazy, easy grin on your face, glancing to her phone open with kento's instagram, and then back up at her. "happy stalking!"
aiko and her friends are sure to spend the night pouring over kento's instagram, which is filled to the brim with pictures of you, you and him, food, you, travel and his girlfriend, you.
DO NOT REPOST
yay first fic!!!
likes, reblogs, comments HIGHLY appreciated 🩷
#nanami x reader#nanami#nanami kento x reader#kento nanami x reader#nanami fluff#kento nanami fluff#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk drabbles#yves tells you a story ✩🕯₊˚.📖⋆🌙⋆⁺₊✧
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hii i read your fic with the humanalastor! x reader where they become like partners in crime (i loved it sm)
and got an idea based off of it
what if Alastor dies first and a few years later Alastor and the reader reunite after she goes to the hotel? thought it would be kinda cute :)
A/N ngl I was thinking of doing something like this so I am very happy it is desired by the people as well. Also, we're gonna pretend that the timeline I created wouldn't make her like over a hundred years old when she died, okay? Okay.
Cover Up Pt. 2 (Alastor x Reader)
Pairing: Alastor x Reader
Warnings: Mentions of murder and blood, nothing graphic. Alastor being a depressed little bitch. Also a lot of dead bird metaphors for lost hope. Please let me know if I forgot anything.
Word Count: 1,971
Part One: Cover Up (Human!Alastor x Human!Reader)
Master Lists:
Master Lists
Hazbin Hotel Master List
When Alastor had died, Y/n had shattered. Their years of holding one another's bloodstained hands had finally drawn to a close. They had a good run, nearly a decade before anyone caught on. His death also came with the added downside of throwing suspicion on Y/n. To say the event changed her life would be an understatement.
When Alastor had first woken up in Hell, he had mourned his loss as if she was the one who had died and not him. The allowance of such a foolish thing was short lived. He quickly realized there was no way Y/n wouldn't end up in Hell as well eventually, with her track record. He refocused his pain, his anguish into making sure he had the perfect world to serve up to her on a platter as soon as she arrived.
As the years ticked on, the little bird fluttering away in his ribcage became more and more despondent. He tried to distract himself by continuing his work, continuing his plans for her. Always for her. It worked to a certain extent but, soon it had been sixty years and she still hadn't made her arrival. It didn't matter how many overlords he killed, how many worthless souls he tortured. There was nothing that could take his mind off that.
Alastor wondered what sort of life Y/n had made for herself after his death. He wondered if she had found love again, held out hope that she hadn't. It was a selfish wish, he knew it. Alastor had always been selfish. It wasn't that he wished for her to be unhappy, just that he knew she was the only person, living or dead, out there for him. There was no hope for Alastor that wasn't Y/n and he wanted her to feel the same way about him. He didn't want to lose, to have been an idiot, to have been the one that loved more. At the same time, he didn't want her to feel that way either. It was complicated and confusing, the twists of his own logic.
Another decade and he began wondering if somehow his beloved wife had gotten into Heaven instead. He knew it was a long shot, after everything she had done but, she had also never killed anyone who didn't deserve it. Maybe there was some exception for women who killed their pursuers, when the pursuers were coming on too intensely or had ulterior motives. He wondered if she'd remarried, if she had kids. If she was still on earth, there would have to be something that was keeping her there and that was the only thing that made sense.
Eighty years, as it turned out, had been all he could take. The bird had died and its corpse had rotted, festering into anger. Not anger at Y/n no, never anger at Y/n but anger at the world, at the system of the afterlife. He became bolder, brasher, more foolish. He got caught in a bad deal.
Coming to the hotel had been a command, yes, but it had also ended up being something of a salvation for the man. In the seven years of his disappearance from the rings of Hell, there had been little to distract him from the growing hole of Y/n's absence. It was a hungry thing, a deep seated want, a controlling desire. The hotel served to fill it. Not completely, but a little. It was better than nothing. Besides, for all her violence, Y/n had always had a way of seeing the best in others, in the world around her. He was certain she would have liked Charlie if she ever got to meet her, certain the hotel would shine in his wife's eyes.
Husk and Nifty were the only two who knew. They had both met him when Alastor's focus had been the creation of a world for Y/n, it was impossible for them not to. They had both noticed how as the years had passed, he had said her name less, how he had become crueler. Not even Charlie had in inkling of an idea that Alastor might be missing something, might be unshakable heartbroken. He hid it well.
Even now as he entered the lobby intent on finding Charlie in order to discuss some of the decor on the upper floors, he made sure his smile was firmly fixed in place. A smile was the strongest weapon a person or demon could have, the strongest disguise. He made sure he was never without one.
"So you just arrived today?" he heard Charlie saying as he began to make his way down the stairs.
He could see her by the door, talking to a demon whom her position obscured from his vision. A new guest. Internally, Alastor sighed. This was throwing a wrench into his plans for the day.
"Yeah I... it's all so confusing here. Wonderful in a way, don't get me wrong but... when I heard about your hotel, it seemed safe."
The unknown demon's voice was soft, it pulled at his heart strings. The corpse of the bird was a puppet at its familiarity. It was a sickening feeling, the dead body of his hope being pulled up and twitched around for another's unknowing amusement. Alastor nearly faltered, hesitating on the last step.
"So are you actually interested in redemption?" Charlie asked, sounding downcast.
"Well, I'm not really sure yet. Is that okay? I mean, I just got here today and... either way, I love the idea of your hotel and I want to help. I could work as a maid? Or I'm a pretty good cook? My husband always said so anyways. I'm sort of trying to find someone too so... What I'm trying to say is that I could work until I've figured it out, if that is alright with you?"
Charlie hummed in thought as Alastor began to cross the room, heading straight for the pair.
"It's a bit unorthodox but, I suppose. We could always use another helping hand."
"Really!?" the stranger exclaimed, "Oh thank you!"
Alastor was over Charlie's shoulder practically now. She shifted on her feet, allowing Alastor to at last see the person she was talking to.
"So, what's your name?"
The demon opened her mouth to speak but, before a word could leave her lips, she was interrupted by a static filled voice. It brought back memories, hurt her heart to hear.
"Y/n."
There was no doubt about it. Even in her new demon form, Alastor knew. It was the curl of her hair, it was the brightness of her eyes, the way she held herself. She looked up at him with wide eyes.
"When did you get here?" Charlie asked in confusion as she turned to the side, turning the pair into a group of three all facing one another, "Also, you know her? Oh my gosh, wait. Are you okay? I don't think I've ever seen you not smiling before."
Neither payed the princess any mind, each absorbed in one another's eyes. Y/n took a sutering half step forwards, her mouth slightly open.
"Alastor?"
It was barley more than a whisper. She took another step towards him, then yet another. Lifting her hand, she gently cupped it around his cheek. Instinctively, the Radio Demon leaned into the touch.
"It really is you... isn't it."
Alastor pulled Y/n into his arms, wrapping her in his frame and resting his chin on the top of her head. Y/n was frozen in shock for a moment before she returned the gesture, balling her fists in to the back of his coat.
"Wow. You guys really know each other." Charlie mumbled to herself, eyes wide.
The pair pulled apart, Alastor still holding Y/n's waist as Y/n held his coat. She looked up at him, disbelief etched into her features, her sentiments reflected back to her in Alastor's own face.
"I thought..." he mumbled, raising a hand and tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, "I thought I'd never see you again."
Y/n laughed tearfully.
"Me too."
"Where have you been? What happened? What... what took you so long?"
"If I had known I was coming to you, I would have died way sooner. I lived, Al. That's what happened. I only just got here today."
"I know, I heard, but what... what kept you?"
Y/n heard the tremor in his voice, the fear. She looked up at him, eyes narrowed.
"Are you jealous?"
Alastor's eyes flicked to the side momentarily. One of his ears twitched. It might have been nearly ninety years since they had last seen one another, they might've looked completely different and had whole lives the other wasn't in, but it felt like they had just seen one another yesterday.
"Oh, you so are!" Y/n teased brightly.
"Y/n."
"Yeah, yeah. It's just dumb is all, especially now I know you've been here all along."
"So tell me."
Y/n had always loved his insistence. It was what kept Alastor to his code, kept him to her, kept him him. She smiled once again.
"Soooo..." Charlie stepped in, her hands behind her back, "Either of you want to explain?"
Both Alastor and Y/n at last turned to look at her. He was smiling again, Charlie noticed. Not the normal ear to ear grin, teeth bared, she was used to. Something smaller, something softer. They released one another, only for Alastor to immediately drape an arm over Y/n's shoulders. It almost seemed like each feared the other would vanish into thin air if they weren't physically touching. She reached a hand up, gently holding his hand where it hung off her shoulder, keeping him to her.
"Charlie, this is my darling, lovely wife."
Y/n shoved him playfully and he smiled down at her.
"You're married!?"
"Yes." Y/n nodded, "We are. Have been for what, like one hundred years now?"
"So what kept you?" Alastor asked again and Y/n sighed.
"You really aren't going to let this go, are you?"
He shook his head. Y/n slipped out from under Alastor's arm, taking both his hands in hers. Her fingers traced his knuckles, the lines of his bones beneath the surface of his skin. Her eyes watched their hands, she sighed.
"After... well, Al, you died burying a body. It was hard for people not to know. I..."
"You got caught? You went to jail?" Alastor interrupted, his smile having fallen once again.
Y/n laughed slightly under her breath.
"No, heart. I stopped my own work but, the whole world knew of yours. I thought that... it was so dumb! I thought that... if I was alive, then so was the real version of you in some way. Not the true crime, vandalized version, but the person I knew."
Alastor lifted her face to his, his hand lingering under her chin.
"You were always secretly quite the romantic, weren't you."
"Oh hush you."
"Make me."
Y/n cheeks suddenly flushed bright red.
"Okay!" Charlie interrupted, laughing nervously, "Okay, well, I'm happy for... this, um, Alastor! Why don't you show Y/n around?"
"With pleasure."
Alastor leaned down, kissing Y/n gently. Her hand was half raised to burry itself in his hair when he pulled away, smirking in response to Y/n's irritated glare. Linking arms with her, he began leading Y/n to the staircase.
"I must say, I rather like this new look of yours." he hummed placidly.
"You're not half bad yourself deer boy, if a little cocky."
"I was always cocky. That's what you liked about me."
"Wrong. It's only one of the things I love about you."
----
Next Part -> Cover Up pt. 3
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