#that at least in the mental state in which i currently am i wont be able to truly appreciate myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

myownprivatcidaho · 3 years ago

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hi all, @theecholyte has been a dear friend of mine for a few years and now they need help to reach their goal of $800. im gonna put the info from their gofundme here, please boost this and donate if you can.

Hello, my name is Echo, I'm a non-binary, disabled (temporarily), Nerodivergent 21 year old who is currently living in a very stressful and toxic environment. I live with and financially depend on my mother and her husband (technically my step-father) who have both verbally, mentally and emotionally abused me ontop of my already existing trauma and mental issues from years of this kind of treatment from others, including them. They do not accept that I am non-binary and consistantly arise arguments/fights because of it, resulting in them giving me anxiety attacks and triggering my PTSD simply because they don't want to call me the name I prefer to be called by, ontop of driving away my other family and friends they have invited into their home due to their behavior. They have blamed my step sister (who is 2 months older than me) as well as myself on the trauma they have caused us to the point where they drove her to live across the country and will never see my step sister's daughter (my niece) ever again, in order to keep the baby from being exposed to the violence they have shown us. We were both physically abused by them as well, but once we started becoming young adults roughly around the ages 15-17, they stopped hitting us as much and eventually stopped completely after that (for reasons unknown) and my step sister got the worst of it. My youngest brother is also transgender, and they treat him the same, but he has outside help that he's getting from friends he knows, so im not too worried about him, since he's tough and will be able to get out soon enough.

Currently, I feel like I am fighting for my life. My stress levels have gotten to the point where I've gained many migranes (stress-induced as well as random migranes run in my family, but they're happening more often than normal as of late) and a fever because of it, which would go away after one night of rest so i knew i wasnt sick with anything really concerning, that i know of, since im fine now.

I feel as though I am at my breaking point, and my depression has gotten significantly worse as well, despite the medication i take for it as well as the coping mechanisms I use to ease it. I try to tell my mother the stress and pain im in, but she threatens to take me to a mental hospital every time i express that she makes me feel like i should... take my own life, basically, because of how she treats me, ontop of feeling like she wishes i were gone, among other reasons. She prefers to get onto me rather than try to comfort me and try to hear why I feel the way I do with concern. I feel as though she resents me for some reason unknown, resents all of her children... she seems like she has no sympathy for our mental health regardless of how she might actually feel, and will never understand that people deal with things in their own unique ways, and that no one else in the world operates completely like she does.

On multipule occasions, my mother has expressed that if I feel like I want to end my own life, that she wont try to stop me if it means I'll be happier that way, and almost encourages it. She's also stated to my brother when he was 16 that she knows she will bury me one day, and is content with that fact considering how I've been dealing with su*cidal idiations since I was very young.

Ontop of those interactions, when my step-sister was little and was crying to my mother about how she makes her want to end her own life, my mother replied by saying "Is that all? If you don't try to end your own life at least once as a teenager, that makes you the weird kid. It's a phase, I've tried it and so has all of my kids."

Her husband on the other hand, is a dog abuser and has thrown/kicked puppies and our older dogs, including one pit bull we had named Pepa, who was thrown over the fence and landed hard on her side when she somehow got out of the backyard (she was a huge sweetheart and would never hurt a soul). He has no sympathy what so ever for animals, and when I confronted him about throwing Pepa when she was vulnerable and weak after just having a littler of 14 puppies, he stated that he could have done so much worse. He also has a habit of yelling/snapping at his kids when theyre in pain or take his attention away from his video games simply because it annoys him and he "doesn't want to hear it". Once, before my first knee surgery several years ago, I fainted out of the diningroom chair (I deal with low blood sugar issues sometimes) and bruised my ACL, crying and screaming for help while everyone was asleep. He has woken up to see what happened, and while i was on the floor clutching my leg, crying for help, he stated that "I need to learn how to do it myself" and went to go back to sleep. I had sat there for another several minutes screaming and crying before my brother woke up and helped me onto the livingroom couch and made sure I was okay. (my mother was at work at the time so she didn't find out about this until I called her when I was finally on the couch. she also doesnt believe what her husband did even happened, because I didn't think to tell her about it until some time later.)

They both also believe that my step-sister deserved to be hit and punched in the face as a young teenager, simply because she has an anger/attidude problem. (She is now the smartest, most strong and mature woman I've ever known, She's a wonderful friend, and an even better mother who deserves the best.)

Just a few reasons I need to be away from them both, and examples to explain to you all how severe this situation is.

I'm at a loss, and just need to get away. I have a friend in Washington State (where i used to live) who is offering to help house me, and I just need the funds to get there considering i'm in Texas, as well as provide for my dog. My dog Remi (He's a 13 year old Schnauzer) currently has two ear infections and has had them for over a month, yet my mother refused to take him to the vet no matter how much I begged her since im unemployed and cant provide for him at the moment, I have ear drops that I used to temporarily help relieve his discomfort, but his contition continued to get more severe and the ear drops stopped working. (She's had no problem providing for him until recently, especially when he was the family's dog first before he became mine several years ago.) She constantly says how they have no money but its very hard to believe when they have recently had the funds to go to an expensive amusement park twice in two weeks and spend all of their money on merch. Luckily, a long time friend offered to pay for his treatments with what little money she does have, so my dog has finally been treated after having to stay overnight at the vet and is home now, taking madications and resting as he should. His vet bill was only $117, and my mother could have easily afforded it.

Now for as what I'll need the funds for, I had found out that the most efficient way I can get myself and my dog all the way up to Washinton State (Seattle/Everett area) from Boyd Texas, is to rent a car and drive up there myself. Now, I've had my licence since I was 16, and started driving at the age of 15 with a permit, and have taken many long road trips on my own before, so I'm rather confident in my abilities to travel that far. Also with my issues only being in my left leg, I've still been able to drive perfectly fine as long as I take breaks to stretch.

I have looked into many different airlines I possibly could for the cheapest tickets I could get for myself, as well as for my dog.. problem is, he's just a little too big to fit in the cabin of any plane I've reserched, I even called around and tried to recieve quotes and advice from airlines, but to no avail. I've also contacted animal transportation and shipping services, but they're all just very expensive and too complicated. I will also not put my baby boy in cargo on a plane, as it is dangerous.

For renting a car in my area, I will need to be able to find a place that will let me rent a car for 4 days so that I will have wiggle room to rest, make stops for gas/take my dog potty, and also get food while im on the way, considering my ideal route takes 1 day and 7 hours, minus the time ill need for stops and to rest, as well as traffic. The cheapest I could find while doing reserch is between $70-$90 a day for either a renter's choice car, or just any cheap car they have available, and for four days, that rounds up to be close to $300-$360 total for the trip. Ontop of that, gas for the one-way trip will cost roughly $300 or more depending on the car's milage.

Tomorrow (11/01) since it'll be a Monday, I'll be calling around for offers for my specific need to see if they'll have anything available for the end of this week or next week up to a month. I'm honestly willing to wait for this trip at least a month, but I'm not sure I could stand staying here longer than that at this point, since I'm wanting to leave as soon as possible for the sake of my mental health and well being, as well as the well being of my dog.

I appreciate any donations anyone makes no matter how much it is, it would mean everything to me to get out of here and finally be happier and feel safe for once. Thank you so very much if you read all of this, my situation may not be as severe as some peoples, but its certainly something worth addressing, I'd think.

I'll happily answer any questions anyone has for me regarding my situation, as I believe in the power of reassurance and cooperation, especially when it comes to strangers providing money for me which they absolutely do not have to give, out of the kindness of their hearts. I'll give as much information as I can to truely strengthen your trust in me that my situation is as genuine as I have stated.

Thank you so much for reading all of this, it means the world to me and more to have anyone take me seriously. Regardless if you donate or not, I hope you have a wonderful day, and to have a restful sleep every night this week.

#signal boost #mutual aid #donate #donate trans/nonbinary

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evie-the-kiwi · 4 years ago

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the discord i sent this to said i should post it. tubbo analysis pog./rp

Description: 5 screenshots of discord messages by user Tubbo Lore On Main {evie}, some of which have reactions attached generally conveying the anguish of their server mates. messages copy pasted/transcribed below:

The Nukes. he is decommissioning them, obviously, as he's said, because he would rather not hurt anybody, but they Work. and it's not some kind of Chekhov's gun, and i'm not saying it is, but it has become a perfectly potential plot point for tubbo to completely fucking obliterate something. Now, tubbo is a distinctly not lore streamer. he doesn't act beyond semi-scripted bits, mostly. when having conversations about semi-in character plans, he'll stick to what his character thinks, but he wont really Act. so i feel as though its possible that people have not caught onto his character's current mental state so we gonna talk about that first. c!tubbo's mental state was, i believe, fundamentally altered by his time as president. of course it was it was a terrible time for him. the creation of the nukes in the first place was for the main purpose of self defense. Everywhere tubbo's ever lived before snowchester has been burned, destroyed, raided, etc. at least tommy's house has stayed and is easy to rebuild. so, obviously, hes gone for the prevention approach. he knows he can't beat his perceived main threats in pvp. if techno or dream wanted snowchester gone, then it would be. so to compromise, he's created weapons of mass destruction. if you're going to take my home, then i will take yours, but bigger, and Worse, because its the only way he thinks he can be safe, and respected, and Allowed To Live. In his time as president, it was drilled into his head that No one could be trusted. couldn't trust the retirement, nope hes gonna come back, we have to deal with him. can't trust dream, he never actually thought you were any good and only used you to get to tommy and the disks. can't trust quackity, he's repeating the festival. can't trust phil, he's helping techno. lists go on for reasons tubbo should probably not be trusting literally anyone. but he does! but i have 100 characters left. so hold on im not done but new message

Tubbo trusts people because he knows better than to go bitter over betrayal. he's seen firsthand what that does to a person on this server. but he doesn't totally trust anyone. he needs to be able to trust them. so he's nice. and he's kind and lovely just like always, so no one Wants to betray him. but now, if they do? there are consequences. he focuses on dream because he knows that he, personally, hasn't done shit to dream, and if dream does something to him well, that's unprompted, get nuked, but i think tubbo trusts people because while he hasnt threatened anyone, he knows, that they know, that Now? Hurting him has Consequences. you don't get away with fucking with tubbo anymore, because No one can get away with fucking with the dude with the nukes. He genuinely believes i think that him being powerful makes him safe. so thats the explaination of the nukes and Why nukes. moving on to "Aha, i am completely accepting of my death for some plastic my friend wants" and then the. the actual point. we arnt even there yet god

pov you are told consistently by people who you trust and who are your friends and who you thought were your friends that you're Stupid, and Evil, And A Tyrant, And Just Like The Guy Everyone Hated, You Know That Guy? Who Drank Himself To Death And Executed You? Just Like Him, And A Monster, and Less Important Than An Inanimate Object, and A Pushover And A Yes Man And A Follower And A Pawn, now imagine that every angsty fanfic written about that compounded into a full and complete internalized self perception because the amount of those things you were told that have been argued against were,,,, the yes man one, the follower one, and the pawn one. and you might have some proof that you're more important than disks, because you got chosen over them but he still got them back and he still had you go fetch one as soon as everyone was there to protect you. so. who knows. anyways. tubbo is apathetic to his fate because while i dont think he thinks people will be better off, i do think that he's internalized the thought that really, he's not all that important, every choice he makes on his own is evil, apparently, and the rest of the time he's a yes man, so does it matter? it's not like he Wants to die, he'd rather not, but. Since When Was He Important, for anything other than being used to hurt tommy or following someone else's instructions? so that's the Fate Apathy as i see it.

Anyway the Nukes!! the nukes. Why Would Tubbo Set Off A Nuke. the answers are simple and based off of possibility alone. probability plays no role rn. 1. in some way, he is harmed. a given, because that is what the nukes are for. their primary purpose is to prevent the harming of tubbo himself as well as his home and those who live there. 2. the egg problem gets out of hand enough that tubbo feels personally threatened, or that the things and people he cares about are threatened. he's totally willing to nuke the fuck outta the egg i know it. that thing fucks with him, snowchester, or, god forbid, tommy? it's gone. 3. Tommy Dies. do not come for me i will explain. were we speaking of pre-president tubbo, or even president tubbo, this would not be on the list. but we are talking post-president tubbo. post president tubbo who thought he indirectly caused the death of his best friend, who has had everything else he cared about Die or leave him. who doesn't actually seem to care much beyond what's expected of him about things that are not tommy and Maybe ranboo, and Maybe Sort Of Possibly Jack Manifold, and Snowchester. i have not run out of fingers on one hand. just like his own fate, he's apathetic to the fates of most around him. it would be Lovely if they were alive, and it would sorta suck if they died. that's it. he's still friendly with everyone but it's clear from the way he spoke about the nukes that while he doesnt want to hurt anyone, if he has to, he will. it's taken all the worst parts of his original pragmatic viewpoints and given them a weapon of mass destruction and a disregard for his own life. Genuinely, i think that if tommy dies. and he has to die, it cant just be something bad happenign to him tommy wouldnt want him to blow it up. i think that tubbo, having lost his best friend and constant? would raze the server to the ground. tubbo is stable, but in the way a grocery bag is stable. the paper handles will rip off if the weight increases just a lil

i ended that with 0 characters [5:37 PM] im not done hold on [5:37 PM] gonna talk abt jack

Jack. underestimates how shaky tubbo's stability is, and overestimates what it would take to push him over that edge. his hatred of tommy also keeps him from seeing how much tubbo cares about tommy. Again, Tubbo Doesn't Want To Die. but he was Willing, for the disks, a chance for tommy to be happy. he spent what he thought was the last few minutes of his life comforting tommy and telling him that it was okay, and that he would be fine, and that without his tubbo, he's still tommy. "yourself." Jack says he hopes tubbo would be able to get over it, but i know. I'm Sure. he wouldnt. maybe he would have before. as president or before that. maybe he would have kept going and been happy eventually. but now? now, with how he puts tommy over himself, with how little he cares about himself? that would be it. that's the final straw before Full Wilbur. If I cannot Have What I Care About. If I Cannot Have What I Love. No One Can. [5:47 PM] AND ITS DONE IM DONE [5:47 PM] thank you for coming to my ted talk i will be here all week, there are drinks in the lobby-

#tubbo #dsmp #dream smp #tubbolive #c!tubbo #long post #i spent like an hour on this.

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whatifyoulivelikethat · 3 years ago

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hello anon who has to move out but doesnt want to here

i seem to have upon myself a very important decision to make.

how should i tell my parents im not okay with moving out aka a decision that could permanently alter my life and the state of my mental being (which, for now, seems for the worse) without sounding demanding and/or disrespectful and/or non-adjusting and/or stubborn? i've never been the rebellious kid, never fought with them unecessarily despite having several, several reasons to. ive always just kept all my thoughts abt everything they do to myself, which is bad communication on my part ig. but the question remains, would it be selfish to ask them to stay where we are right now?

is it selfish of them to expect me to move in the most crucial years of my school life and leave all my friends? i dont know what to do. we were supposed to make a shift some 4 years ago, but due to my older siblings stern protests, we stayed. but now that sibling is gone too, and im the only child they have to take responsibility for (at least actively). should i also firmly put it to them that i wont be able to take the shift? or should i try seeing how the other states environment is, etc, and then decide?

a part of me thinks moving out will mean a new page. but that includes creating a niche for urself that is already undisturbed where i live rn. am i just avoiding working hard or am i just scared of being uncomfortable? i really wish i could talk to my parents better abt this. my mom has sensed my discomfort in moving and has said she doesnt want to see me depressed if we end up moving out. at least thats some reassurance.

What is your parents' reason for moving? I'm trying to understand why your parents want to disrupt their own lives (and move to a different state?). Is it selfish of them to expect you to move your entire life? Yes and no. Your parents are people too. They work and have to support their children, which is of course their choice to have kids, but that doesn't mean it's not hard. They have a mortgage/rent, they have jobs, they have friends, they have their own mental health to deal with as well.

Are they unhappy with their environment? Do they want to move closer to family in a different state? Have they researched where they want to go? Why do they want to go there? Is there a reason they can't last a few more years for you to finish school?

I think they should consider your opinion. You live with them. You are their responsibility but you are also your own person. On one hand, it is important to be able to adapt to new situations. You will lose most of your friends when you leave high school / college / university simply because your school peers will start moving at different paces and all of you will be finding your places in life. The friends you'll lose, you will probably lose in a couple years. The ones you'll keep will continue to stay in touch regardless of where you are. Technology can help immensely with that. On the other hand, if you're almost done with your schooling, it might not be worth disrupting it to transfer, especially if you feel enriched the teaching environment you're in right now.

Talk to your parents.

"Hey, can we have an open conversation about moving and the pros and cons of this major life event?"

(but maybe less, um, professional email talk XD I'm still at work lol)

If moving will affect your mental health in a negative way, then say so. It is important for them to know. If you want more information to why and where you're moving, ask for it. You deserve to know because, after all, you are moving there too. If you like your current school situation, mention that too. Having a learning environment that enriches you is not easy to find and, with the addition of a supportive social circle, should be taken into account by your parents. You cannot replicate that easily in a short period of time.

However, you also mentioned your current mental state is not great. If that is because of the looming prospect of moving, then perhaps speaking up will help. But if it is because you don't like your current living situation / environment, well, maybe moving can help. You can't know for sure. You should visit the area and see how you feel after that.

In the end, it will be your parents' decision. The unfortunate reality is that it is becoming more and more expensive to live anywhere, but wages are staying relatively the same. While they should consider your reasons for not wanting to leave, consider theirs for wanting to. It is possible that they simply can't afford it anymore and perhaps you might want to consider moving to a smaller place if you want to stay in the same area (until you finish school, for example).

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bigskydreaming · 4 years ago

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That last reblog is very informative and useful in figuring out where to find certain storylines. Purely on a personal recommendation note, for anyone looking for good reads and who tends to like my take on things, my recs from that list (and not saying that others I don’t rec aren’t good, just what immediately popped into my head) would be:

Batman: The Long Halloween (yes. its a good)

Batman: Birth of the Demon (if you want to set canon on fire, as many people are wont to do, a good place to start is aggressively ignoring Morrison’s take on Damian’s birth and origin and instead treating this story as his origin and just building off the idea that Talia lied at the end which is waaaaaaaaay better and just like...go from there)

Batman: The Killing Joke (kill it with the fire. we’ve had enough of the killing joke. it can die. even alan moore hates it and he wrote it and alan moore usually loves everything he writes and hates everyone ELSE for like, liking it the wrong way, so I mean, that should tell you a lot)

Batman: The Cult (holy shit I totally forgot about this story and now am off to go reread it again myself)

I have Issues with how ADITF AND A Lonely Place of Dying play out and most popular takes on them, so like, I’m not like, recommending RECOMMENDING them, but I mean like, they are pivotal.

Batman: Knightfall, Legacy, Cataclysm and all things No Man’s Land related have some good stuff throughout all of them. Like, things I don’t like, sure, but overall, there’s a lot of good material in them. Also, a good way to get a strong sense of actual canon Tim, who is not fanon Tim, and who would probably take one look at fanon Tim and go LOL nerd, and kickflip away on his skateboard to go tell Nightwing about this AU version of himself he just met, as like, he actually likes and respects Nightwing, among other differences.

JLA Tower of Babel (its a yawn from me, lads. the source of pretty much all “Batman can beat all of the JLA because he has the greatest superpower of all: PREP TIME!!!” hot takes and I mean, yeah that’s pretty core to Batman and who he is at this point, but the story itself its just like. Eh. Could you not. Idk. Basically I just mean this is all part of an era of JLA that for the most part I actually tend to LIKE Bruce’s interactions with the rest of the team, but then there was this and it was just like. Eh. Could you not).

Bruce Wayne: Murderer? and Bruce Wayne: Fugitive (Quality reads IMO that emphasize the Detective part of the Batfranchise and contain good moments for the whole currently present Batfam, lots of great Cass and Dick stuff in particular. Idk. I havent read them in awhile but I have fond memories)

Batman: Hush (this gets a bad rep and not entirely deserved IMO. Like, its not the greatest story in the world but I like how it portrays Bruce as having flawed dynamics with a lot of his loved ones but not shying away from his role in that but also without overly vilifying him....he’s an appropriately complex character in this, is what I mean, and I also like that this is another story that emphasizes the often lost-and-forgotten Detective part of his core concept. Also, it utilizes some of my fave villains in ways that bring home how much potential certain combinations/team-ups of villains could have if they were utilized more instead of overlooked in favor of ITS TIME FOR THE JOKER AGAIN WHEEEEEEEE!)

Batman: Under the Red Hood (hahahhahaha no. like could you imagine me reccing this? LOL its not realistic. Nah, stick with the animated movie retelling. At least Bruce doesn’t slit his son’s throat in that one to save the damn clown again)

Batman: R.I.P (I reluctantly rec this not because I like it, cuz I don’t, its Morrison back on his bullshit in a most I AM THE MOST GALAXY BRAINED OF ALL THE GALAXY BRAINED AND ALSO IM A CHAOS MAGICIAN DID U KNOW THAT HUH DID YA DID YA, like, fashion. Its. A lot. The story is A Lot. I don’t say that in a complimentary way. BUT I recommend it anyway out of pure stubbornness and Dick Grayson fanboy spite, as its set like, directly before Bruce is believed dead and gets lost in time, and like, A LOT happens to Dick in that story that SHOULD BE extremely relevant and crucial to examinations of his mental and emotional state at the time of him assuming Bruce’s role in the family and as Batman, but that just like....ISN’T, and that annoys me. Also, the primary villain of this, Dr. Hurt, like.....

his grand endgame involved torturing the fuck out of Dick to hurt Bruce specifically, and pretty much the first thing that happens when Bruce DOES come back from being lost in time is Dr. Hurt pops up out of nowhere and shoots Dick in the head, like FIRST THING, like this is the absolute first thing Bruce has to deal with when coming back, and this is just like....NONEXISTENT in most fics about that era. Because lolol how can we blame Dick for everything that went wrong and make Bruce be mad at him for how Dick wronged Tim and Jason and all of Gotham probably, if we’re going by actual canon and thus dealing with the fact that Bruce is preoccupied with hovering over his just-shot-in-the-head-specifically-to-fuck-with-Bruce son’s bedside and WORRYING about him. LOLOL hashtag Fandom Willfully Erases The Majority of Dick’s Canon Traumas Not Because They Want To Set Canon On Fire - they’re usually fine with sticking to every instance of canon in which Dick does something even in the ZIP CODE of wrong - but rather because if we acknowledge Dick’s traumas then eww, he might come across as....sympathetic? No, we can’t have that. ERGO HE WAS NEVER SHOT IN THE HEAD HAHAHAH WE FIXED IT, WE FIXED CANON).

But I digress.

Battle for the Cowl (another reluctant rec because like, its dumb and its bad, but its one of those things that I’d still rather more people read than didn’t, because like it is pivotal and relevant, and it contains key plot points like oh Idk, Arkham literally blowing up as all the currently locked up inmates escape, which led to Dick having Wayne Enterprises rebuild it himself, and like, the only villains present in it when he was Batman being the villains he and Damian CAUGHT while he was Batman, which did NOT include the Joker, and thus all the hot takes about how Dick locked up Jason two doors down from his murderer like the uncaring bastard that he is, like.....instead of the reality that Dick pulled strings to have Jason put in Arkham instead of Blackgate when the POLICE ARRIVED ON SCENE AND LOCKED UP THE ANONYMOUS RED HOOD BECAUSE HE WAS CLEARLY DEFEATED AND CLEARLY A WANTED CRIMINAL AND THUS LIKE, HIS IMPRISONMENT LITERALLY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH DICK OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT DICK DEFEATED JASON RATHER THAN LETTING HIM KILL HIM AND DAMIAN.....

like, its literal canon that Dick explains himself for having Jason put in Arkham instead of Blackgate because it allowed him to keep Jason OUT of gen pop where he had literal dozens of enemies that he, Jason, WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR PUTTING THEM IN THERE HIMSELF, and it was to keep Jason SAFE, and it WORKED as Jason’s only actual canon complaint at that time was that he was BORED. So in conclusion, AS ALWAYS, you can do what you want, but when you literally manufacture the fake fanon - and completely fail to make any effort to establish that this is NOT actual canon and that you’re not actually riffing off of an actual canon moment - that Dick callously locked his brother up a few doors down from his own murderer (the dude that Dick himself literally once beat to death because he killed Jason).....like, inquiring minds would like to know, why are you trying so hard to make Dick look like THIS MUCH of an asshole, hmm?)

Batman: The Gates of Gotham (a weird, but fun little read IMO, that delves deep into the backstory of Gotham, the Waynes, and also Dick’s ancestors the Crownes, and establishes a lot of the history revolving around all of the above, and like, it actually has Dick as Batman and being competent and respected by the rest of the family in that role, and its also one of the only times Cass and Damian interacted one on one, stuff like that)

Batman and Robin Eternal (eww no, kill it also with the fire, burn it, I hate it, uggggggh why is this series so praised, its so baaaaaaaaaaaad, its like what if literally every character involved in it is an asshole to Dick for no valid reason whatsoever.....huh, weird thought, wonder if the fact that its so praised as being so good and Dick’s so hated for weird reasons by a lot of fandom are connected....almost like.....the fiction influenced how people viewed his character....and thus....critical commentary of how the fiction was bad is....relevant....HMM I MUST PONDER THIS STRANGE AND NOVEL THOUGHT).

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trashcatsnark · 4 years ago

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What’s your opinion on Kerry being available to only male V when it’s mentioned in-game that he’s bi (correct me if I’m wrong, I have terrible memory)?? I feel like they should’ve had bi romance options if they were able to implement both gay and straight ones.

Oh anon, oooooh anon. I love you dearly, but you intentionally or not might as well have thrown lit dynamite in my ask box. This discourse has been such a strange beast within this fandom and I have definitely shared some vague thoughts about it before. I’m putting everything under a read more, to help stave off some....harassment or putting it in people’s lives who may not want it.

I still remember I was frankly heartbroken and upset when I first learned Kery wasn’t romanceable by female V when the game first officially came out, but before I played it; River and Panam weren’t even really known about, cause they weren’t talked about much in the promo material, plus Kerry was shown in romance scenes with what looked to be female V. So, if you go back far enough you’ll find me in December cope posting and being the saddest and angriest of beans, because other than Johnny who I knew was likely off the table. He was one of the only characters I wanted to potentially romance. Now, I’m further away from it, have processed my feelings regarding it and am more rational I believe regarding the issue.

But, that being said, a large issue of this sort of discourse is that; no matter what anyone says, someone somwhere is upset. I’ve been insulted, blocked, accused of fetishizing gay men, and so much over my opinion regarding this matter. I’m still currently debating if I even wanna tag this, cause the issue almost always brings negativity to my blog and to me. I have very little interest in being berated for this, so we’ll see how I feel after I finish typing this all out. I’m going to try to go through all my issues, my points, my troubles and feelings about the matter. But, at the end of the day, it is merely my opinion. If someone disagrees, fine, just don’t attack people or berate them over pixels in a video game. Just dont. That’s all I ask. Okay, so I’m gonna divide this into talking points and whatever, now.

Firstly, Kerry is bisexual. Point blank, period. I’ve seen folks try to argue that his wife was like comphet, which if you dont know means that sometimes exclusively homosexual people will try to force themselves into heterosexual relationships because society has conditioned them to believe they have to be straight. While, I’m not negating the fact that this happens, as a bisexual/pansexual (I use the terms interchangeably to define my experience and feelings) person I’ve struggled with it when making sense of my attraction to women. It genuinely is something that happens. This is not the case for Kerry; he doesn’t ever hide his attraction to men, between TTRPG lore and the video game he has had two wives , and he is stated by game developers and TTRPG creator to be bisexual.He is bisexual. Getting that out there, saying other wise, in my opinion is a level of bi erasure. That being said, I do still have my grievances with how the game chose to handle his bisexuality and bisexuality as whole, also imo, the game generally doesn’t seem...to treat players who are attracted to men well…

But before I get into that, I wanna make clear, I feel like Cyberpunk 2077 should have had more romance options for every orientation. If you’re not going to create a player-sexual style of romance; ie where every romanceable character is attracted to the player regardless and wish to focus on each character having their own predetermined sexuality; only have one character for each sexuality is kind of bullshit. If you’re a lesbian player and you’re not into Judy, you get nothing, except a fuck around with Meredith (who I will get to later). You’re a straight woman, but not into River, shit out of luck. You’re a gay man who’s not into Kerry, sucks to suck bud. You’re a straight man who’s not into Panam (kind dont get how you wouldn’t be but who am i to judge), well, you can fuck Meredith… so woooo. Oh also, if you’re not attracted to women, you will still be forced to watch in first person pov a sex scene with Alt and if you want Johnny to like you, you gotta date a girl. Also, all the male love interests will be sidelined mostly…. Hooray… But I digress, either go in with all romance options bi/pan/player sexual, or give more options for romance. Cause now you have the issue of people not getting the partner they hoped for and not liking their only option. Now, you got people trying to make the Judy bi, which is lesbian erasure and lesbophobic, along with people saying Kerry isn’t bi and can’t be with women which is bi erasure and biphobic. Whereas, if you had just gone in from the get go with either more options or a player-sexual romance system; we wouldn’t be here, CDPR.

Okay, so next thing, now that I’ve addressed my issues with the entire romance system and that yes, Kerry is bi. Should Kerry have been able to be romanced as female V? Yes and no. Which sounds vague, but I’m going somewhere. With the current set up of it; Kerry being romanceable to a female V would have unfairly given female players an additional love interest over male players. Female V would have the option of Judy, River, or Kerry. And Male V’s would have the option of Kerry or Panam. That’s not fair. I get that, inherently. CDPR painted themselves into a corner, by only letting there be two romances for “each” gender, one for “each” sexuality, and then using a canonically bi character for one of them. They played themselves, they were either gonna have to give an unfair amount of love interest to one side of their gender system or make a bi character who will only pursue one gender. So, they went for the latter.

Now, some people feel thats fine, because Kerry having a gender preference is fine and its okay for bi people to lean a certain way in regards to gender and its okay for them to not be attracted to people. And that is true. I am a bisexual woman who leans a little more towards men, I get that. However, I have only been given one reason for Kerry’s preference for male V over female V. And it was by a developer of the game who stated that Kerry pursues Male V and not Female V because Male V reminds him more of Johnny… And I hate that. I personally, hate it so deeply, because to me it does a complete disservice to Kerry and V’s relationship and Kerry’s arc. Because even with female V you see him being preoccupied with Johnny and V’s connection to Johnny, then you see him move past that. So, to then state, its still a deciding factor in him romancing V is so wrong to me. Like why???? Why would you do that to people who like Kerry??? Why would you put that in their heads, that Kerry on some level, subconsciously or not, was thinking about Johnny when he decides to romance V. Cause that’s not in the game, in the game you get the vibe he’s moving on past Johnny, like he’s growing, developing, genuinely likes V. But that stupid tweet, just radiates rancid vibes, whyyy???

And then, outside of that nasty tweet, I have to ask what other reason is there for why he prefers male V over fem V. They’re...the same characters essentially, just with different pronouns and body type. They also can look like whatever you want; they’re completely customizable. So, Its based off of what the game associates with gender characteristics and nothing else, meaning, his attraction is rooted solely in their gender and he turns down fem V by virtue of them being a woman and nothing else. Which, yeah, bisexual/pansexual people have preferences but when that preference completely excludes a gender based on nothing but gender…. Uhh????? See my issue????

And I’ve seen people saying, well, its better than CDPR playing into slutty will date anybody bisexual stereotypes. But, the thing is...THEY STILL DO THAT which is what drives me up the god damn wall; they managed to do slutty bi stereotypes and I don’t even get kiss the boy, which again, I get the need for fairness but wow, just wow. And lemme explain.

Meredith is the only character, other than joytoys, whom you can have sex with regardless of gender, body type, etc. She is the only character who shows that she is attracted to V on some level regardless of gender.

She is a one night stand. Her sex animations are the same as joytoys. She treated like a promiscuous love phobic woman. And having characters like that is fine, my own V is promiscuous and love phobic. But, we can acknowledge that in a video game by a AAA game company having the only character who is at least physically attracted to the player no matter what, be nothing but sex fodder...isn’t great bi representation, right?

Oh, and Kerry himself still is a promiscuous bisexual man, he just won’t romance female V because apparently, according to a dev, they don’t remind him of Johnny enough. AND THATS THE DEVS WORDS, NOT MINE, I HATE THAT. Like, Kerry is shown to have people’s lingerie around his house. He’s stated by Johnny to be someone who fucks around. He gets a blowjob from a man in a stairwell.

The two most blatantly canonically bi character in this game are promiscuous; one wont romance V at all and just wants sex, the other will only romance a male V because at worse, he’s comparing them mentally subconsciously to his dead friend and at best….because….reasons…. Literally, from what I understand for Kerry to romance V, they have to have the “male” body type and “male” voice. Meaning, fem V could literally by all appearances look like masc V, body type wise, but because she uses female pronouns and has a feminine sounding voice...no… the stars say no…

In my honest opinion, it is bad bisexual representation and a not so well thought out romance system for a game.

But, that being said, I literally never romance anyone, because I’m a Johnny simp. So, the fuck do I know.

oh god do i tag this.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

#anon #asks #i can't put these in the main tags or kerry's i cant #im so weary of this #im sorry anon #im a pussy who's grown so weary of discourse #Anonymous

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tumblebee-the-smol-bean · 5 years ago

Note

Hmmm Janus and Logan find out that Remus is a little and they take care of the baby? You don't have to! Take your time too :3

Thanks for the prompt!

Caregivers: Logan/Janus

Regressor: Remus

Remus was sitting on his bed watching beetlejuice for the third time in a row and using crayons to fill in a gory picture in his coloring book. Neither activity was exactly kid friendly but Remus didnt know what else to do. He only knew the creepy movies, that was his jurisdiction, so that was what he watched. Same with the coloring. He might try to draw something 'normal' bit it always came out....off...

None of the other sides knew he regressed to deal with the constant stream of intrusive thoughts running through his head at all times. He was never one to keep secrets but this...this was the one thing the other sides didn't know about him and he was going to keep it that way. He didnt need them to pay less attention to him than they already did when they would surely decide he was less of a threat than they originally thought.

He pouts at the idea of less attention. He really cant get enough if it. Not that anyone is willing to give it to him. Sure Deceit might tolerate him. They might even have what some would call pleasant interactions from time to time. But Janus was really very busy usually, and he tended to get very grumpy when Remus interrupted his meticulous planning sessions with his morningstar and a moldy banana that he threw at the wall.

So there he sat in his room, watching beetlejuice and colouring alone, even though he really wanted someone to pay attention to him.

Janus noted that Remus had been acting...odd lately. He would make excuses for why he had to leave the room suddenly and while it was believable to most of the sides when Remus said he had to go figure out the melting point of birds, Janus could taste the lie.

After a few times of this happening he decided enough was enough and he was going to get to the bottom of whatever the trash man was doing. It was making him nervous to say the least. Remus didnt usually lie so whatever he was doing was probably highly destructive in Janus's mind.

When he creaked open the door however he did not expect to see Remus in a onesie watching beetlejuice and coloring with his thumb in his mouth.

Furthermore he definitely didnt expect Remus to look at him with wide eyes and begin wailing and scrambling away from him.

What??? Was all Janus could think for a few moments before he took a deep breath and slowly approached Remus, trying to calm him down.

"Remus, are you okay?"

He shook his head and backed up a bit more.

"Its alright I'm not going to hurt you." He tried to assure him.

"Bu- but you- think m' not scawy anymore!" He wailed.

Jan winced and reached him, placing a hand on his shoulder and Remus collapsed, knees giving out. Luckily Janus was able to catch him and lifted him up.

"Believe me I am all sorts of scared right now. Come on, we're taking you to Logan, he'll know what's going on with you." Janus quickly sunk out with him confused as all hell as Remus started crying and squirming again. Logan already didnt take him seriously! But Janus kept a tight grip on him and rapped at logans door impatiently.

"Logan. Logan!"

The glasses clad side opened the door with a look of exasperation

"What?!" Then his eyes fell on remus and he stepped back a bit in surprise, giving janus the opportunity to briskly walk in with Remus and set him on the bed. Said side was now hiding his face in a pillow.

"He's broken. We broke him." Janus pointed at Remus,

"He isnt broken Janus." Logan brushed him off and approached Remus. "Hmm...I think I might have an idea of what's going on. What was he doing when you found him?" He questioned.

"Umm...watching beetlejuice and doing a coloring page I think?"

Logan nods to himself.

"And did he seem different than usual?"

Janus points to Remus

"Oh I don't know Logan. What do you think??"

Logan rolled his eyes but nodded. "I think I might have some idea of what's going on."

He sat down slowly next to Rwmus so he didn't startle him. "Remus, how old are you?"

"What kind of question is that? He's thirt-"

"M' two." Came the hesitant reply.

Janus stared at him, more and more confused by the second as Logan just nodded and readjust his glasses.

"As I thought. It seems Remus is engaging in a coping mechanism commonly known as age regression."

"Age what now?" Janus asked as Remus whined and buried his head behind Logan while he rubbed his back, not liking that his secret was being figured out.

"Age regression. It's when an individual either voluntarily or involuntarily reverts back to an earlier stage in their state of mind. So Remus here," he gestured to him "is about the mental mindset of a two year old. Is that right honey?" His voice softened as he turned to Remus for the last bit who nodded reluctantly.

"M' sorry..."

"Oh no need to apologize." He picks him up and sets him on his lap. "Its a perfectly healthy coping mechanism, we arent going to judge you for it." He perks up a bit at that and nuzzles into Logan, enjoying the attention.

"How do you know so much about this?" Dee asked, eyebrow raised.

"Virgil taught me." He responded simply, not giving a further explanation and Janus didnt ask for one. Just sat down next to the two other sides as Remus played happily with Logans fingers, no longer worried about them knowing his secret as it didnt seem like they were going to judge him.

"So...what do we do?" Janus asked finally.

"Well we should supervise him until he comes out of this headspace. From what he's told us he's fairly young and honestly I dont trust adult Remus to be unsupervised." He shifted Remus out of his hold and handed him off to Janus who took him and set him on his hip. "I'm going to make him some food, entertain him while I'm gone." He turns and walks out leaving the too alone.

"So...what do you want to do buddy?"

Twenty minutes later Logan walks in on the two watching a horror film and looks positively exasperated.

"Why are you watching this with him?"

"Um...because he said he wanted to watch it?" Janus looks confused.

"He's two Jan, this is not age appropriate." He turns of the television with a click, getting whines from both Janus and Remus.

"Its lunch time anyways Remus." Logan tuts and lifts him off of Janus. He hands him a sippy cup and some dinosaurs nuggets which he quickly demolishes and whines in complaint when Logan wipes the crumbs and ketchup off his face.

"Hold still Remus." He grunts as he tries to get it while Remus shakes his head away.

"Remus."

Ree sticks out his tounge and hops down giggling and running out the door and into the imagination, he decided he wanted to cause some trouble.

Janus is up and chasing after him almost instantly while Logan shakes his head and sighs in his room, cleaning up the dishes.

Remus cackles as he watches jan try to follow him through the imagination. Remus knows every inch of the territory so he's much faster. At least he was until the imagination did its job. You see since Remus was in the imagination, the place where thoughts come to life, and his thoughts were currently that of a small child...well he shrunk rather quickly to that age and soon enough Janus caught up to him as he stumbled on his tiny legs.

"Gotchya!" Janus scooped him up and he shrieked with laughter, Jan couldn't help a small smile either.

"You certainly are a handful."

He smiles deviously and nods.

Jan brings him back to Logans room but he doesn't regain his usual size. Logan theorizes that he probably wont until he ages up again.

"Remus." Logan scolds when they arrive back. "You cannot run off like that." Ree just sticks out his tounge with a small pout.

"I know baby." Logan takes him from Jan. "It isnt fair is it? But the imagination is dangerous for a child to be all alone in. What if the dragon witch saw you?"

He shrugged, he hadn't thought of that.

"Exactly." Logan set him down on the bed and Remus let out a tiny yawn.

"Is it naptime?" Janus asks

"No!" Remus shouted.

"Oh so you aren't tired?" Janus asked eyebrow raised.

"....nooo... "

"That's a lie." He said "do you know what happens to little babies who lie?"

Remus shook his head.

"They turn into tacos!" Janus quickly wraps him up in a blanket as he giggles wildly.

Janus slips him under the comforter and he frowns "you tricked me!"

"That I did." Jan smirks "now get some rest little hatchling." He grumbles but they taper off as Logan and Janus cuddle him to sleep.

#agere #sfwagere #sanders sides #deceit sanders #sanders sides agere #fanfic #sympathetic deceit #logan sanders #agere remus #cg deceit #cg logan #cg janus

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thehunterwithanangel · 4 years ago

Text

Not Done Yet A Destiel One Shot for post 15x18 and what I want to happen (but probably wont)

Ship: Destiel (Dean Winchester/Castiel)

Word Count: 4,362

Written by: thehunterwithanangel

Notes/Warnings: Very angsty Dean but ends drowning in fluff, some language

The words played on a loop in Dean’s head for what felt like hours before he could process them, at least that’s how he felt; ‘I love you…’ ‘I love you…’ ‘I love you…’ over and over again.

For a brief moment Dean sat in total denial, there’s no way Cas, his Cas actually just said that, only he did and now he was gone. Dean started to cry, and not just a few tears, he started to sob; at first he told himself it was from the shock, but once that settled and he was still left feeling like somebody had just ripped his heart from his chest, he knew it was more. Dean shut down, as he always did when something highly emotional happened, and next thing he knew Sam and Jack were shaking him back to reality.

Dean wasn’t sure how long he’d been sat there but time was irrelevant to him the moment Cas disappeared into the empty; in fact, nothing at all mattered to him right then because all he could focus on was those three words, still on loop what must actually be hours later. Dean also wasn’t sure how he got back to the bunker, he guessed Sam drove Baby when he realised Dean was in no fit state to drive (he would have to argue with him about that some other time); but here he was, staring at his bedroom ceiling feeling so unfathomably empty, and not the fun ‘give zero fucks’ soulless way, in the way that makes you disconnect from your own body mentally because being in it is just too painful…

Three days went by with Dean staying much of the same way, only really talking to say ‘Cas is gone, the empty took him’ and multiple counts of ‘go away’ and ‘leave me alone’. Dean didn’t eat or drink, he barely even slept because every time he closed his eyes, there was Cas saying ‘I love you…’ all over again; the only time he ever got any sleep was after many hours of disassociating and silent sobbing...

The thing is, even though Dean was clearly devastated, he refused to admit to himself as to why. Why even though he’d lost Cas before, hell, had Cas die before, that this time was different; in the back of his mind he knew, of course he knew, but admitting to himself he knew only meant opening himself up to more pain right now and he just couldn’t do it, not now…

It had been a month since Cas had been gone, physically Dean was okay again, thanks to many, many, many, attempts to get him being a human again from Sam and Jack; Mentally though, he was still destroyed, still refusing to talk about Cas or anything that happened that day, and despite pushing him a couple times, the others knew it wasn’t going to work, he would talk when he was ready, if he was ever ready.

It had gotten to the point that the others wondered if Dean had completely repressed what had happened though, because his level of fine-ness was almost too much. Little did they know it was quite the opposite.

A normal day, normal routine, normal conversations, everything was normal to everyone, except Dean. Dean felt almost itchy as he could feel the pain clawing it’s way back to the surface, ready to ruin him again; and his time he didn’t know if he would survive it. So Dean made some excuse about needing pie and took off driving, maybe if he could distract himself with Baby long enough he could push away the hurt once more; at least that was his plan…

For a couple hours it worked. He kept his feelings at bay and enjoyed the road, but then it happened, an otherwise fun energetic song kicked up from his radio, a song he’d loved to annoy Sam with before, a song he played after they had a successful hunt for example; but now all it carried was pain because this wasn’t just his feel good song, it had become Cas’ too, and that hit way too close to home for Dean. In a split second he slammed on his breaks, shut off the radio, and froze, tears pouring down his face as his hands gripped tightly to the steering wheel, while he tried to hold on to his okay reality for just a little longer. It didn’t work.

Dean’s body was shaking so hard from the uncontrollable sobbing that every muscle hurt, he gasped for air as the sobs stole the air from his lungs, his vision so blurred from all the tears he wasn’t even sure if he was conscious anymore; and then he said it, the thing he’d been pushing away for weeks, even years if he was being totally honest with himself, out in fuck-knows-where USA, a complete and utter wreck, barely able to function let alone speak, but the words find their way out of his mouth regardless:

“I love you too Cas” Dean choked out, his voice ruined from all the crying. For a fleeting moment Dean hoped Cas could hear him, could know that even though he may be trapped in the empty, he is still so loved by Dean.

Dean cursed at himself once the words left his mouth, not because he regretted saying them, but because it had taken each of them so damn long to just say it! The truth was Dean always knew deep down but was so scared of losing what they had, he never said anything. ‘Chuck must be laughing at me right now’ he thought; I mean how ironic that he realised he didn’t say it as to not lose Cas after losing Cas…

Some time later Dean had recomposed himself and while he still felt shattered, that was accompanied with a new sense of determination.

“I love you Cas and somehow, some way, I’m gonna bring you home” Dean said assuredly to himself before shifting Baby into drive and speeding back to the bunker (probably much faster than was anywhere close to safe). He could do this.

Meanwhile at the bunker everyone was freaking out trying to find Dean; it had been about eight hours since he had ‘left to get pie’, he wasn’t answering his phone, which was going straight to voice-mail, no hints, no notes, nothing; and based on Dean’s current mental health everyone was on edge fearing he’d done something dumb and reckless.

Dean stopped off at a rest stop to get snacks when the thought crossed his mind he should probably turn his phone back on. He hadn’t meant to go MIA, he just had a lot on his mind and he needed one less thing to think about for a while, which accidentally turned into a long while. Once his phone was rebooted, a pang of guilt shot through him, he was greeted by missed calls from pretty much every single person he knew, and even a couple numbers he didn’t recognise; in total there were at least a couple hundred calls, though Dean didn’t bother to count after the first 50 or so, it was a lot regardless.

“Ah shit.” Dean muttered to himself as he walked back to his car “I should say something to Sam at least” Dean decided before sending a quick ‘I’m fine omw home now’ text to Sam. His chest tightened in fear, or joy, Dean wasn’t sure, at the thought of having to tell Sam what had happened with Cas and how Dean felt and how he had to get him back, yikes, definitely not something you say over text; Dean laughed at the thought of sending a text that was just ‘hey bro btw Cas said he loved me and I love him too so we’re getting him back’ and the chaotic side of him almost did it, but he knew it was going to be more complicated than that so thought better of it. Another thing that made him laugh was Sam’s text back

‘Good, when you’re back I’m going to kill you :)’

He wouldn’t actually kill him obviously but Dean could feel the passive aggressiveness though his phone and he knew Sam was pissed.

A few hours and Dean was pulling into the bunker and swinging open the door, very shortly followed by Sam slapping him across the back of the head.

“Do you have any idea--!” Sam began but to angry to finish “You couldn’t be bothered to turn your phone on sooner--!” He tried again “What the hell Dean!?” He yelled before pulling Dean into a tight hug.

“Sorry, lost track of time…” Dean said matter-of-factly

“Lost track of….Unbelievable” Sam muttered shaking his head in disbelief. The was a brief moment of pure silence and Dean held his breath, knowing Sam was about to lose it. “YOU DISAPPEAR FOR LIKE NINE HOURS AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS YOU LOST TRACK OF TIME!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!? DID IT NOT OCCUR TO YOU THAT THE FACT YOU WERE DEPRESSED AFTER CAS AND THEN JUST VANISHED COULD BE WORRYING!?!?” Sam yelled; it wasn’t very often he was legitimately mad at Dean, but right now, he definitely was.

“I’m sorry! Look I’ll explain, but not until you agree to stop yelling” Dean pleaded; Sam took a deep breath.

“Okay okay I’m calm now what is it?” Sam asked

“I…” Dean started, his voice shaking “Okay uh, first I need whiskey.” He decided, heading to their bar area; he was going to need some liquid courage to say it to other people, hell, it took him over a decade to admit it to himself. “Okay I…” nope that wasn’t it, he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He could do this. He decided it was better to say it all at once because saying it was the hardest part. “When Cas got taken by the empty it wasn’t totally random apparently he made a deal to save Jack and this was his price only it wasn’t just about him being taken that I was freaking out” Dean explained pausing to breathe “Before it took him he had this big speech about how I’m the reason he cares about anyone, how saving me opened him up to being able to feel and how I’m a better person than I think I am” Dean continued, paraphrasing, because even though that whole speech was burned into his memory forever, that was a big deal for him and Cas and he wasn’t about to share every detail. There was one thing he had to tell them though, or they’d never understand why he acted the way he did. “…He also told me he loved me and it felt way more like an ‘I’m in love with you’ than not and so I was freaking out because holy shit what and then I froze” Dean paused as a lump formed in his throat and tears welled in his eyes as his heart filled with regret all over again. “I…I should’ve said something, done something, I shouldn’t have just stood there, especially because the next second he was pushing me out of the way of the empty…I should’ve saved him…” Dean rambled, choking back tears at the last phrase. A heavy silence hung in the air as neither Sam nor Jack knew if they should speak first or if Dean had more to share; eventually Sam spoke up.

“At least he’s gone knowing he saved Jack though right? And took out Billie” Sam pointed out trying to find the silver lining. Dean breathed out a laugh as few tears finally fell; his head falling into his hands.

“But I didn’t get to say it back” Dean said quietly, his head still pointed at the floor

“What?” Sam and Jack said in unison, Dean looked up at them, eyes still full of tears

“I didn’t get to say it back.” Dean repeated, louder this time, more sure of his words. “I wanted to say it back but he was gone before I could so I shut down” Dean added, his heart pounding because he actually did it, he told them; he watched them for a moment trying to gauge a reaction. For a while nothing happened and Dean wondered if he’d actually said it or not, but then Sam and Jack looked at each other, then began grinning and laughing lightly. Dean blinked a few times, confused.

“Well it’s about. damn. time.” Sam said shaking his head laughing

“W-What…?” Dean asked

“Dean we’ve known for years” Jack explained casually, Dean did a double take at that.

“And nobody thought to mention it!?”

“Well no…we figured you’d tell us you were together eventually…” Sam told him to which Dean’s mouth fell open.

“Well guess what I didn’t even realise how I felt until he was gone so thanks for that!” Dean informed them, his tone kind of harsh because he could’ve avoided a lot of pain if they had said something sooner.

“Oh…Oh no” Jack said, his hand moving swiftly to cover his mouth

“Oh we screwed up bad” Sam said, more to himself

“You can make up for it by helping me get him back” Dean told them bluntly

“Dean…how..? I mean every other time it was Chuck or Jack but Jack is powerless and Chuck definitely isn’t going to…” Sam pointed out

“I don’t know Sammy but after everything we’ve been though I have to try everything I can, he has to know I love him too” Dean replied frantically

“Dean…He knew. Even if he didn’t hear you say it, he knew” Jack assured him

“Even if he did I refuse to let the time I want him back the most to be the one time it doesn’t happen”

“Okay, where do we start?” Sam asked and with that they set about making a plan to bring Cas home.

They tried every lead, every contact, every spell, nothing worked. Dean was so defeated, this was so unfair. Jack also spiralled over how if it wasn’t for him Cas never would have made the deal to which Sam and Dean assured him that Cas would’ve made that choice for either of them too. Two months went by and it was time to focus on the bigger picture…

“If I can’t get Cas back I’m damn sure gonna rain hell upon Chuck at least!” Dean exclaimed confidently as he set another shotgun on the bunker tables.

“What is that now? Seventeen?” Sam questioned glancing over the arsenal Dean had gathered.

“Yup. And I got the flame thrower up and running again so I can watch him burn.” Dean confirmed. Sam would admit this side of Dean scared him a little but who can blame Dean after everything? So he let it go.

It was one hell of a fight but in the end they won! They may have had a few broken bones and definitely some new scars, but at least they made the son of a bitch pay.

Two days later and the boys were still riding the high of victory, drinking, laughing, generally having fun; and then Dean’s phone rang.

“Hello?” Dean picked up, puzzled, it was a number he didn’t recognise. The person on the other end spoke briefly and it made all the colour drain from Dean’s face.

“Dean?” Sam prompted with no response. Tears started pouring from Dean’s eyes and both Sam and Jack stood there bewildered

“Uh huh, yep, on our way” Dean told the person before hanging up, clearly not really registering what he was saying. After he hung up his phone dropped out of his hand and he fell to the floor sobbing.

“Dean!?” Sam repeated, more urgently this time; it took him a minute but Dean eventually replied.

“He’s back Sammy! He’s back!” Dean exclaimed between sobs

“Who…? Chuck!?” Sam asked suddenly panicked, relieved when Dean shook his head no

“Cas.” Dean told him simply

“WHAT!?” Sam and Jack both yelled

“How is that possible?!?!” Jack asked, still kind of yelling

“I don’t know but whatever the reason he said it makes his head hurt to think about so it was better in person” Dean informed them “So c’mon!” Dean added as he practically dragged them out of the bunker.

A few hours later and they were at the location Cas gave. Dean couldn’t believe they’d actually made it; the entire drive he was either hyperventilating or his heart was pounding or both; he had fully given up hope but there he was driving to Cas, his Cas. The three of them walked around the area Cas pointed them to, looking for him, and after a couple of minutes both Sam and Jack stopped walking and stood still which Dean looked perplexed at until he heard him and his heart stopped for a moment.

“Hello Dean.” A voice rang out over the cold winter wind. Dean whipped around sharply to see Cas looking warmly at him, without hesitation Dean ran to him, hugging him with so much force he nearly knocked them both over. “Dean I…” Cas began to say but Dean interrupted him.

“I love you” Dean told him, the words rolling off his tongue as if he’d said them a thousand times; which to be fair, he had in his head over the last few months. Cas stared at Dean dumbfounded and Dean laughed lightly because this must be how Cas felt after he told Dean he loved him. Dean decided that he needed to be stronger with his admission of love. He placed his hand on Cas’ cheek with his thumb under Cas’ chin, and tilted Cas’ head up slightly so that Cas was looking him in the eyes “I love you” Dean repeated, this time putting more emphasis on his words so that Cas knew he meant it.

“Really?” Cas asked as tears welled in his eyes, to which Dean nodded. “Are you sure you mean it the same way I do? Because I mean I get if you mean it in a family way I just…I don’t…” Cas rambled

“Cas” Dean prompted, startling Cas a little by how close he suddenly was, their foreheads touching, Dean’s hand still on Cas’ cheek. “I know…” Dean assured him, his voice barely a whisper, which made Cas’ breath hitch in his throat involuntarily. Dean smirked slightly which made Cas look down at Dean’s lips and Dean could almost hear Cas thinking ‘kiss me’ and so he did.

The first second or so Cas couldn’t move, completely shocked that Dean actually made the move, but after that he relaxed into it, savouring the moment he’d waited a lifetime (or in his case several lifetimes) for.

“I love you” Cas said softly after they pulled apart. Dean’s heart felt like it flipped at that moment, there was a time he thought he’d never hear those words, coming out of Cas’ mouth, again

“And I love you” Dean reiterated

They stood there hugging for a few minutes, oblivious to the world around them, before someone broke the silence

“Listen this is really sweet and everything but Dean you have the car keys and it is freezing out here can you at least toss them over so Jack and I don’t freeze to death!?” Sam called from back over by the car.

“Oh oops!” Dean said, mainly to Cas, before turning and throwing Sam the keys, feeling his back vibrate as Cas laughed against it.

“You know…we should probably get out of the cold too” Cas told Dean

“But I like our little warm bubble” Dean whined

“Don’t you wanna know how I’m back?” Cas asked, Dean inhaled sharply; in all the joy of Cas being back and getting to hold him and kiss him, Dean had completely forgotten about the how he ended up there “I’ll take that as a yes” Cas said, before he moved around Dean to head back to the car, only to be stopped a couple of steps after by Dean who took his hand. It was a small thing but Cas could swear if Dean hadn’t been holding onto him he would’ve melted. So many times Cas had wanted to do this, a simple touch, a brush of fingers; so small and yet so important. After so many years telling himself he can’t let himself crave connection like that, to finally to not only admit he wanted it, but to actually get it, felt incredible. He glanced at Dean who responded by holding his hand a little tighter as if to say ‘I know what I’m doing and I want to do it’ so Cas just smiled and they walked hand in hand back to the car where Sam and Jack were sat grinning at them from the back seat.

“Holy crap!” Dean exclaimed as the warm air from the Impala hit him, in that moment realising just how cold he’d become. After a few minutes regulating their body temperatures Dean was ready to know and Cas was ready to tell

“Okay so…The empty took me into oblivion as you know” Cas began, everyone else nodded “So I get there and I’m awake and so I think oh no not this again and sure enough the empty was pissed saying ‘why won’t you just die quietly!?’ and such and this went on for however long I was gone pretty much” Cas continued “and then one day I was being…dragged? Ejected? Out. It was very weird because it wasn’t like I was being carried out, it was like the empty was trying to push me out, kind of like last time only this time I remember it, as well as an overwhelming feeling of ‘you don’t belong here’ then I woke up and have been trying to find my way back to civilization since” Cas explained then looked at the boys expectantly.

“Cas, when did you come back?” Sam asked

“Two days ago, I remember hearing the radio of a car that drove past me and they said the date that was two days ago”

“What the…” Dean said, shocked

“...Cas, two days ago we took out Chuck.” Sam informed him

“Do you think it’s related?”

“You break out of angel/demon hell the same day we kill the most powerful being ever? Yes it’s related! I mean c’mon!” Dean insisted

“But how?” Jack added

They brainstormed for a while but every theory had some kind of fatal flaw and then it hit Jack like a lightning bolt

“Wait wait what if it’s not complicated at all? Cas went to the empty but the empty is for angels and demons who died”

“Right…” the others agreed

“Well Cas didn’t die he was just kind of consumed by it. So what if killing Chuck was some kind of reset that every being in there that didn’t actually die, was thrown out??”

“That actually…makes sense…good job kid!” Dean praised

“But if that’s true what else got let out!?” Sam asked panicked, suddenly Cas froze.

“Billie.” Cas stated coldly

“Shit!” They all collectively yelled in unison. And just like that they all knew they’re not done yet…

Fade to black/credits etc...

#Destiel #destiel fanfic #ooh boy this is long #i had a lot of feelings #mine #text

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alukaforyou · 5 years ago

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and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??

#.txt

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berniesrevolution · 6 years ago

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It is somewhere between 1:00 and 2:00 in the morning and, as per usual, I am flicking through internet tabs. Without really taking anything in, I am dividing my attention between a recipe for broccoli and peanut butter soup (one which has been in my favorites tab for maybe three years, still never attempted), some news story about a terrible event in which many people have needlessly died, and the usual social media sites. Scrolling down my Facebook feed, in between the enviable holiday snaps and the links to more sad news stories—people don’t talk very much on Facebook any more, I’ve noticed; it’s mostly a conduit for the exchanging of links—a picture catches my eye. It’s a cartoon of a friendly-looking blob man, large-eyed and edgeless, wrapped up in blankets. The blob man is saying “It’s okay if all you want to do today is just stay in bed and watch Netflix.” I draw up my covers, nodding to no one in particular, and flick to a tab with my favorite old TV show.

The above story doesn’t refer to any particular night that I can remember. But the general theme is one that I’ve played out again and again. I’m not sure I’m ever going to make that soup.

If you’re a millennial with regular access to the internet, you’ve probably seen similar images to the cartoon I’ve described above. They’re usually painted in comforting primary colors or pastels, featuring simple illustrations, accompanied by text in a non-threatening font. They invite you to practice “self-care”, a term that has been prominent in healthcare theory for many decades but has recently increased in visibility online. The term generally refers to a variety of techniques and habits that are supposed to help with one’s physical and mental well-being, reduce stress, and lead to a more balanced lifestyle. “It’s like if you were walking outside in a thunderstorm, umbrella-less, and you walked into a café filled with plush armchairs, wicker baskets full of flowers, and needlepoints on the walls that say things like ‘Be kind to yourself’ and ‘You are enough,’” says the Atlantic. Though the term has a medical tinge to it, the language used in the world of self-care is more aligned with the world of self-help, and much of the advice commonly given in the guise of self-care will be familiar to anyone who has browsed the pop-psychology shelves of a bookstore or listened to the counsel of a kindly coworker—take breaks from work and step outside for fresh air, take walks in the countryside, call a friend for a chat, have a lavender bath, get a good night’s sleep. Light a candle. Stop being so hard on yourself. Take time off if you’re not feeling so well and snuggle under the comforter with a DVD set and a herbal tea. Few people would argue with these tips in isolation (with a few exceptions—I think herbal tea is foul). We should all be making sure we are well-fed, rested, and filling our lives with things that we enjoy. In a time where people—especially millennials, at whom this particular brand of self-care is aimed—are increasingly talking about their struggles with depression, anxiety and insecurities, it’s no wonder that “practicing self-care” is an appealing prospect, even if it does sometimes seem like a fancy way to say “do things you like.” What is concerning is the way that this advice appears to be perfectly designed to fit in with a society that appears to be the cause of so much of the depression, anxiety, and insecurities. By finding the solution to young people’s mental ill-health (be it a diagnosed mental health problem or simply the day-to-day stresses of life) in do-it-yourself fixes, and putting the burden on the target audience to find a way to cope, the framework of self-care avoids having to think about issues on a societal level. In the world of self-care, mental health is not political, it’s individual. Self-care is mental health care for the neoliberal era.

Illustration by Lizzy Price

As I write, the U.K. Prime Minister, Theresa May, is tweeting about World Mental Health Day and suicide prevention. She is not the only one; scrolling through the trending hashtags (there are several) one can find lots of comforting words about taking care of yourself, about opening up, confiding in a friend, keeping active, taking a breath. One such tweet is a picture of an arts-and-craftsy cut-out of a bright yellow circle behind dull green paper, designed to look like a cheerful sun. Printed on the sun are the words “everything will be so good so soon just hang in there & don’t worry about it too much.” All of us have probably seen some variation of these words at many points in our lives, and probably found at least a little bit of momentary relief in them. But looking through other tweets about World Mental Health Day reveals a different side of the issue. People talk about the times they did try to seek help, and were left to languish on waiting lists for therapy. They talk about the cuts to their local services (if they’re from somewhere with universal healthcare) or the insurance policies that wouldn’t cover them (if they’re in the United States). They talk about the illnesses left cold and untouched by campaigns that claim to reduce stigma—personality disorders, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia. They talk about homelessness and insecure housing and jobs that leave them exhausted. They talk about loneliness. And, in the case of Theresa May, they talk about how the suicide prevention minister she promises to hire will have to deal with the many people who consider suicide in response to her government’s policies. These are deep material and societal issues that all of us are touched by, to at least some degree. We know it when we see people begging in the streets, when we read yet another report that tells us our planet is dying, when we try to figure out why we feel sad and afraid and put it down to an “off day”, trying not to think about just how many “off days” we seem to have. We turn to our TVs, to our meditation apps, and hope we can paper over the cracks. We are in darkness, and when we cry out for light, we are handed a scented candle.

(Continue Reading)

#politics #the left #current affairs #mental health #neoliberalism #neoliberal capitalism

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midwinter-fox · 6 years ago

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Heartache

First Chapter

Previous Chapter

Next Chapter

So, a quick note because I wanna. I've gotten way more people following me and liking my stuff than I thought I would!! It seriously fills me with so many good feels, I cry a little inside with each notification I get. I've been having a rough time keeping up with writing thanks to Life, the Universe, and Everything (not the book, but still a great read) so I was wondering if it'd be too much to ask for some kind of review..? It can be in the form of an anonymous ask, or a comment, or even a private message. I'd really like some motivation to keep going, or I might end up burning out.. Anyway, y'all didn't come to hear me complain, but I might be encouraged to pump out more fic if I can get some kind words. c: My bitching and moaning aside, here is the next chapter!

It was late into the night - or perhaps it was very early the next morning - before the lovers laid in pleasurable bliss, content with the extent to which they'd explored each other. Leonore's head rested on her lover's chest while her fingers tenderly stroked the coarse hair beginning to sprout from his jaw. She allowed her thumb to brush across his lips every so often, and each time she did, he would press a light kiss to it. Though he thoroughly enjoyed their time together, Dettlaff couldn't help the feeling of remorse that began creeping up in him.

He was there to care for her, not rut into the next day.

Eventually the hand that gently pet him stopped moving, her breathing slowed, and her eyes fluttered closed. She was thoroughly spent, especially considering she'd only barely managed to keep up with her vampiric lover and his seemingly endless stamina. She fidgeted only once when he kissed the top of her head, but then snuggled into him as well as she could. The way she cuddled was like she was trying to almost completely consume him, but it pleased him to no end. Were her bed big enough to accommodate both of them, he'd have attempted to embrace her in kind.

This was perfect, he thought. She was perfect. She wasn't Rhena, but he wouldn't have her any other way. The never-ending praise, constant smiles, and perpetual kindness made his heart feel full again - he’d received some when he had Rhena, but never to this extent and never to the point where he almost had to convince her to stop lest she overwhelm him. Though, now that he thought about it, was Rhena's affection ever truly genuine? He'd never know, but he sorely wished she'd have just told him when she had the chance. It would save him the torturous thoughts that still plagued him two years after he killed her. Then again, he did bring this upon himself.

Alone to his thoughts now that Leonore slumbered peacefully atop him, he began to feel the ever familiar aching in his chest that brought the ill twisting in his gut. Hatred for Syanna and what she did to him began welling to the surface, but who he hated most was himself. He didn't know what he'd done to drive his lover away, but whatever it was, he only had himself to blame; it was only about time before that same fatal flaw forced his current beloved to flee him too, was it not? The beast inside him wanted to pace and snarl and lash out, but when he looked down at the mess of brunette hair and the woman it belonged to splayed across his chest, it resorted to sulking and fuming instead. He dared not wake her up with his often violent temper, but his intrusive thoughts persisted.

Why had Syanna used him? Why the betrayal? Why the heartbreak? Why him? If all she wanted was an assassin, she could've had one of her brutes do it or found one for hire. Instead, she took his heart and cruelly toyed with it until she had effectively turned it black. She knew he would go to the ends of the earth for her - and still would though she lay in a crypt - so why would she give him such hope and love only to discard him then come back years later to take advantage of him? Pain unlike any he'd felt before choked him, but still he remained quiet in his mental torture.

The smell of blood hit the air, but Dettlaff recognized it as his own. He'd dug his claws into his palm deeply and could feel the crimson liquid oozing out to drip onto the bedding. Just as quickly as the wound was made, it stitched itself back together. What he wouldn't give to feel a prolonged physical pain to counterbalance the emotional one. He could just as easily rip his own still-beating heart from his rib cage and crush it beneath his heel, but it would regenerate back in his chest where it belonged only moments later.

Unable to lie still any longer, he decided to use his vampiric abilities to his advantage. With a sigh, he let himself fade into his incorporeal form and slip from beneath his lover, allowing her to gently plop down onto the bed that was beneath them. She stirred only slightly, but quickly settled back into a restful sleep. Dettlaff, on the other hand, stood in the center of the room and gathered his clothing from the floor.

Now that he was up and about, he could survey all of the damage he'd done to her room. Feathers from her pillows were everywhere, including the clothing he now gathered. Her headboard was cracked and there were skid marks on the floor where the bed had been forcefully pushed to the side. Holes littered her bedding and now there was blood thanks to his hurting his own hand.

Despite the destruction, he did not regret a single thing they had done that night. In fact, that particular memory would be burned into his mind. He was especially proud of himself for having not harmed Leonore save for a potential hickey or two, but it was hard to resist when presented with such delectable thighs. It was a trial trying to refrain from claiming her like his instincts roared for him to do, but if memory served, that very well could've been what pushed Rhena away. He was too bestial, too monstrous to be considered a conventional lover. He loved like an animal - he knew that much to be true. This fact was the very reason why he tried so hard to show restraint, for he greatly feared that he would drive Leonore to leave him too. Should that happen, he knew not what he'd do.

After dusting as much downy feathers out of his clothes as he could, he put them back on. Buttons and buckles fastened, he sat on the edge of the bed to slip on his boots. The shifting of weight on the bed made Leonore stir, her eyes ever so faintly opening as she tried to fight wakefulness.

"Dettlaff..?"

"Hush, liefje. Sleep."

"Where're you goin'..?"

"I am going out for some air and to speak with Regis. I will return shortly."

"Please don't go.." The pitiful way she whimpered for him made him hesitate in his decision to step out, but he wanted to clear his head before he did something he'd regret.

"I promise to return," he said softly before kissing her forehead. She hummed in sleepy defiance. Then, he remembered what she had done for him when he'd woken from his nightmare and ran his claws through her matted hair. His fingertips gently rubbed at her scalp while he avoided scratching her with his nails, making her groan softly then close her eyes once more. Soon, she was fast asleep again, so he took the chance to finish putting on his boots and stand carefully from the bed so as not to wake her again.

With one last glance to make sure she still slept, he left.

---

Regis was tending to an ill patient when Dettlaff returned to his home, but they elected to simply ignore each other until the mortal was gone. It was simply how Dettlaff preferred it - it brought less attention to him when humans were around. It was odd that someone be there at this ungodly hour, but mortals were wont to demand services when it best suited them and them alone - something he learned the hard way. Since he was there for Regis, he went to his room to wait for the stranger to leave before speaking with his friend.

The room was as he left it when Leonore slept there last. Her scent still lingered in his sheets, so he opened the window to allow for some air. It wasn't that the smell was repelling for him, but it didn't make his internal pain hurt any less. He seated himself on the bed as he waited, but before he could begin his downward spiral into his own thoughts again, Regis stepped into the room.

"How did everything go? I didn't expect you to be gone as long as you were, so when the raven told me of bandits on the farmstead, I daresay I began imagining the worst. How is Leonore faring? Was she unharmed?"

"She is well. A few scrapes and bruises, but she recovered quickly in regards to her emotional and mental state."

"I take it you got there just in time then." Dettlaff nodded in response, so Regis continued. "She's home asleep? Did she at least get to eat the food you brought her?"

Ah.

Damn.

Dettlaff groaned and covered his face with a hand - he couldn't believe that in all that time with her, he still forgot to get her some sort of sustenance.

"I'll take that as a no."

"Her horse ate it."

"Well. That is.. unfortunate. Were you not so disinclined to lie, I'd say that is possibly the worst excuse I’ve ever heard. As is not the case, I sincerely hope the horse enjoyed it at the least."

"She seemed pleased."

"Leonore?"

"Lola."

"I'll assume that's the horse." There was a faint smile on Regis' face, but judging by the way Dettlaff still rested his face in his hands, there was clearly something bothering him. "Is everything alright, my friend?"

"No," Dettlaff sighed, but he didn't move so much as a fraction. Depression was weighing him down, making him feel heavier than even he could carry. "I needed air, so I left Leonore in her bed. I.. need to sort out my thoughts."

Concern now found its way into Regis' expression, and had he been wearing his satchel, he'd be clutching the strap. As such, his arms crossed as he leaned a shoulder against the door frame.

"What happened after the two of you left the farm? I'd like to know everything that transpired."

"It.. Mh.. I dispatched the bandits without difficulty. The farmer and his children sustained minor injuries, but I instructed them to find you if need be."

"I know that much. They came to see me earlier in the day, told me about how a dark stranger came and saved them without demanding so much as a thanks. When I informed them that you were a friend of mine, they all but threw themselves at my feet and begged me to thank you in their stead. I patched them up and sent them on their way, but not before the farmer saw fit to leave me a few extra coins for both my services and yours."

"I do not want it."

"I know, but they refused to take it with them, so I've set it aside for the time being. Now, what else happened? After the farm nearly being ransacked."

Dettlaff was slow to answer, almost as though he was nearly embarrassed to divulge such information - after all, it was his private life that Regis was prying into, and it was not how he'd intended for his day to go. Really, he'd have been happy to simply spend the next few hours in her arms again, but to have been in, on, and around her had been a pleasant alteration to his plans.

"I told her I love her. Then we returned to her home and laid together until less than an hour ago."

"It's about damned time. I'm assuming you two went back to her house to have sex then."

As loathe as he was to admit it aloud, Dettlaff nodded. He didn't regret their intimate night together, but he wished he hadn't been so rash. There was nothing tender about their mindless rutting; it was two years that he'd secluded himself, but he was so miserable in that entire time that he'd never really thought about his body's sexual needs. The pent up frustration had burst forth as soon as Leonore's lips touched his neck.

"I had a moment of weakness."

"That moment lasted for nearly ten hours, Dettlaff. Is she still intact?"

"Yes, and I did not take her nonstop for that entire time, Regis." He didn't mean to snap, but he felt bad as it is. Even to him though, his excuses sounded terrible - like a child coming up with reasons for naughty behavior. "We.. did other things within that time. Talked, held each other, slept."

"So sex and aftercare. Then more sex." To say Regis was amused was an understatement. He was having too much fun teasing his companion like this, for he was elated to know that his dearest friend finally found someone to fill the holes in his heart.

With a growl, Dettlaff stood and turned to face the window so he didn't have to face the other. The ruthless jesting grated on his already tender nerves, but Regis was the only one he could and would speak to about matters such as this. They'd both seen each other at their most vulnerable, and Regis had a wisdom that he valued deeply. Sensing only his companion's growing unease, the mirth left Regis promptly.

"I still find myself thinking of Rhen-" Dettlaff paused to correct himself, "Syanna, when I am left to my thoughts. Now I am.. unsure of whether I acted too rashly. I cannot deny my feelings for Leonore, but Syanna still holds pieces of my heart. I both long for what once was and hate her so strongly." He all but snarled, his fists clenching at his sides. Anger was rising in him again, and he was prepared to leap out the window and take out his fury anywhere that wasn't his friend's home.

A hand rested on his shoulder, squeezing to provide reassurance that he wasn't alone to deal with his worries and frustrations.

"It's not going to be overnight that you heal from such trials. You are perfectly justified in your feelings, though I do wish I could take that heartache from you and bear it myself. It pains me to see you suffering like this, especially when I once knew a time when you were almost happy. Please, Dettlaff, let me know should there be anything I can do to help you."

"I..." For a moment, Dettlaff was overcome with emotion. There was hurt, sadness, anger, hatred, and yet, he also felt the love and compassion of his beloved friend. Were he not also so empty inside, he might feel the faintest bit of the happiness he was once capable of. "I think I need to be alone."

They stood silent momentarily before Regis sighed and gave Dettlaff's shoulder another squeeze.

"So be it. What should I tell Leonore if she comes by?"

"I told her I would return to her, but should that not be the case, tell her I will be back soon. I simply need time to think.”

With that, he let himself fade, his body becoming nothing more than a fine mist. He needed to escape, and so he left for the Brokilon Forest where his kin resided.

---

With the dryads being a constant threat to any who entered the Brokilon, there were few who dared venture into its depths. After so many warning arrows, however, Dettlaff knew where their boundaries lay. His kin was permitted to cross it so long as they strayed from the dryads' settlements and did not disrupt the natural balance of the forest. As such, they were limited in how much they could hunt, but with how much game there was, he doubted that would ever become an issue.

When he entered the forest and the domain of his pack, he was greeted with enthusiasm. The juveniles he'd spoken fondly of were among the first to approach, the three lamb-sized young ekimma bounding up to him with excited chittering. It was hard not to smile when they brushed against him with their soft, downy bodies and demanded his attention with playful nips.

"I missed you, as well," he mumbled affectionately as he ran a hand through the fur of one. They weren't sentient like the higher varieties, but they were still intelligent in their own respects. They understood him just as he understood them, though they were incapable of speech.

After petting one, the other two grew jealous quickly and either tried shoving their sibling out of the way to receive attention or nudging his hand to demand he move on to them. This was what he'd sought when leaving to sort out his thoughts. There was something soothing about being around his own kind, surrounded by those who were not bothered by the trivialities of mankind nor the devastation it brought in its wake. They lived simplistically, and he wished he were not so complex a being so he too could live without worries or cares.

How could humans think such beings to be monsters? In all of his experience, he'd never known them to attack unless their territory is encroached upon, and even then it was in self defense. The stories in which his kind were depicted as hungry, vicious creatures with only the capacity to kill always filled him with dread. Were mortals not so ignorant, so close-minded, they would see that there is so much more to them. Never had he thought himself a monster before Syanna's betrayal, but what she made him do turned him into the very thing he swore not to be. Leonore was right, monsters killed without cause, and while he felt his reasons were justified at the time, they clearly were not once Syanna's plot was revealed. He killed innocent people, some of which had shown him selfless kindness, and he laid waste to them like a monster truly would.

It was a fitting name for him now, he supposed. Dettlaff truly could be a Beast if he wanted to be, and he made that blatantly clear when he ordered the attack on Beauclair. Guilt still wracked him, but he did what he could to make up for his misdeeds by caring for those of his flock that survived.

He shed his coat so he could avoid having it torn, but once set aside, he gave the young ekimma a playful growl, provoking them into a game. They pounced on him, and though he could easily throw them off, he allowed them to overpower him at times then knock them off easily and nip right back. It amused him to no end how they tried to dominate him, but it also gave him a chance to teach them how to use their claws and teeth to their best advantage. Rarely did they learn, but he took the time to both lead and play. It was better than taking his anger out violently on the environment, for he got plenty of exercise and was content to have the chance away from polite society.

Dettlaff spent the better part of the morning letting loose and allowing his feral nature take him where it may. He hunted and cavorted, wrestled and nurtured; he did what a leader should when in command of a flock of beings the world would otherwise deem horrifying and dangerous. By dawn, his body was coated in a sheen of sweat and his remaining clothing was tattered and torn. His overcoat remained intact at least, which was all he could ask for, really.

All too soon, he knew he had to return to civilization to at least make good on his promise to Leonore. She probably wouldn't even be awake by the time he got back, but he wanted to be there when she woke. He knew how it felt to wake to an empty bed when only a few hours prior someone had shared it with you.

---

Sleep evaded Leonore almost as soon as Dettlaff left. The warmth he had been sharing with her was gone, leaving her feeling cold and alone. Why had he left her..? Surely it wasn't something she'd done? Regardless of how much she tried to rationalize everything, her heart still ached. He was gone for only a few hours, but it felt much longer to her. Rather than try to reclaim lost sleep, she sat in bed and sighed in the dark.

Creaking brought her head up from where it rested on her knees, her body curled up and legs to her chest while she waited to see if he'd really return. Booted feet across the wooden floor, nearly silent, brought him into her room. Dawn peaked in through her window, allowing her to see his blue eyes despite the darkness. Without a word, she stood and went to him, her arms enveloping him just as his automatically did her.

"Why are you awake?" his deep voice rumbled through her, and for some reason she felt it sounded like he'd recently been crying. Yet, when she looked up and met his gaze, there wasn't any sign of tears.

"I waited for you. Something didn't feel right and I.. I waited for you to come back."

Heart clenching painfully, he closed his eyes and sighed.

"I am fine. You need your rest."

"No, you're not. Don't take me for a fool, Dettlaff. I know when you're hurting."

Rather than give her an answer, he gently led her back to her bed. When he sat down, she crawled into his lap and hugged him close before he could even try to so much as remove his boots. Her tenderness was soothing to his worn heart, but now he had the growing suspicion that she was feeling his heartache. After all, he left her to wake alone, and though he'd expressed that he would return, it was hours before he came back. As such, his arms found their way around her again, but he had to grit his teeth against the rising lump in his throat.

"I apologize for having brought you concern. I needed to sort out my thoughts."

"And have they been sorted?" she asked, her head not rising from his shoulder.

"No." The admission almost broke his resolve, but he stayed strong. He had to - for her.

Her head rose from its resting place so she may press her forehead to his. The loving gesture was not one he felt he deserved, but he held her close despite his feelings.

"I'm here for you. No matter what happens, no matter what plagues you, I'm not going anywhere. I love you, no matter your weakness or sorrow. Please, do what you must to try to heal, but do not forget me. I wish to be your balm when your hurt still burns you so."

For but a brief moment, he was grateful she'd closed her eyes. He couldn't stand to let her see his silent tears. His face was buried into her shoulder, arms tightening almost painfully as he fought to stop the pathetic quivering in his chest. Tears spilled down her still naked skin, but she said nothing, did nothing besides hold him close.

"I love you, Leonore."

"Hush, love. I know, and I love you too."

#Dettlaff #dettlaff van der eretein #My Tales #OC #sfw #this might go on pause for a while so i can get my muse back #work is making it hard to write too #feedback is sorely needed #i do have plenty of fluff still planned though #multi chapter

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bimboficationblues · 7 years ago

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gun ramble

I don’t really have the same fantasy of an impending anti-capitalist insurrection or anti-fascist civil war that other leftists have (I know enough leftists to know that they’re not nearly as well-armed as some of them think they are, nor are they going to get well-armed in the near future). So I tend to be more ambivalent about the issue of guns and even supportive of particular kinds of gun reform for the current social conditions. That said, a lot of the key measures that liberals have been proposing or advancing will (depending on exact policy content)

1) fall especially hard on the mentally ill, who are more probable recipients of violence (including reactionary violence) than its participants. This is particularly acute for the “we must stop these mentally ill freaks from getting guns!” crowd, which acts as a convenient scapegoat for both liberals and conservatives.

2) fall especially hard on people of color, especially black Americans. We know this because existing gun laws already do so in convictions and sentencing, even moreso than drug laws. You could chalk this up to the general systemic racism of the American criminal justice system rather than treat this as something inherent to gun control measures as certain leftists are wont to do, but it has to be addressed either way. Depending on the exact measures implemented, these sorts of policies have a very real chance of expanding the carceral state. Stop-and-frisk, we might remember, is functionally a gun control measure.

Basically, if you’re a liberal, and you accept that we live in a racist and ableist society at least to some extent, I want you to ask yourself some questions about what the possible outcomes could be, assuming well-crafted and effective legislation in the first place. Which brings us to...

3) either fail to address many of their concerns or are literally not feasible, either because of their timid formulation or because of particular characteristics of the United States. Federal waiting periods, “assault weapons ban,” mass buyback a la Australia are all good examples. Like all policy it’s a question of “what are we actually trying to accomplish, how effectively will this accomplish it, and is it politically or practically feasible?”

Many of the gun control measures that have the most political will behind them (see here) are not as effective as they’re made out to be even according to experts who support them (see here), and those that might actually have a bigger impact (like, say, targeting and restricting the manufacture and production side of the firearms industry rather than the consumption side) lack the political will and carry other problems relating to antitrust law.

4) continue to dodge the problem of reactionary and right-wing violence perpetrated by white men and/or domestic abusers, which tends to be a common link between many (though not all) of the most prominent mass shootings as well as violence more broadly - Harris, Roof, Rodgers, Cruz all spring to mind. Even supposing that 3) is false and that the popular measures would be effective, it still doesn’t address the issue that men like this will continue their actions through different avenues. We know that right-wing violence is empirically a bigger threat than left-wing or Islamist violence, even post-9/11.

Some vague ideas of practices and policies that are worth pursuing or keeping in mind:

1. Do away with the Dickey Amendment which prevents CDC funding from being allocated to “advocate or promote gun control.” The current spending bill (signed by Trump literally as I type this) “clarifies” the original language so that the CDC can in fact do this research, but it would be better to just eliminate it altogether.

2. Build the political will for measures that extend beyond consumption-based ones targeted at citizens. Thinking pragmatically (and not my ideal, which is the abolition of the police and the military) about the proliferation of firearms, the police need to be demilitarized, defense spending needs to be majorly restricted, arms manufacturers and the defense industry need to have their influence curbed. I'm not necessarily more confident in supply reduction approaches than I am demand reduction, but I do think such an approach gets at the bigger issues in the gun question.

3. Definitely continue down the path of making guns unavailable to domestic abusers as some states are already pursuing.

4. Militant anti-fascism.

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rox-the-proxy · 7 years ago

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Running All Night Pt.1

When a classified Deployment to the Niflheim goes wrong and leads to a whole team of Kingsglavie but Luche dead, he now must find and fight his way out of the empire back to Lucis. all while trying to come to terms with those back home thinking him dead and fighting to keep his L’Cie brand closed just long enough to see Nyx one last time.

"When you said you’d be showing me something that involved a huge secret, I didn’t think you meant a tattoo, Lu.” Luche raised a brow at the tone Nyx was currently using as he stared down at the strange looking mark on his left wrist. Nyx was cradling the other’s hand between his own, running his thumb over the black ink on his skin. Or, at least Nyx thought it was Ink, it didn’t look anything like a tattoo would. Hell, he wasn’t even aware Luche had gotten any tattoos during their years of knowing each other. Sure, they didn’t spend every waking moment together, but it would hard for Nyx not to notice if Luche was making trips to the parlor to get this done. “But, yeah it’s-“

“Not a tattoo.” Luche cut in. his tone oddly serious all things considered. Nyx looked up at his blue-eyed boyfriend and was met with the sight of a look on his face he wasn’t used to seeing. Luche was many things, but; nervous, and scared was not one of them. the man liked to be cautious yes, he wa a strategist for the Kingsglaive, so he was all about plans and thinking of the best, most effective, and safest way to get things done. Was him showing him this mark really that huge of a deal that he looked so nervous? “Sometimes though, I wish it was.” He stated, pulling his hand back, easily spilling back on a black leather bracelet over the mark so it was hidden perfectly. This really wasn’t like Luche, so his look of shock turned to one of worry as he scooted closer to the other male. He glanced around the room, though Nyx logically knew that currently in the small apartment it was just him and Luche. The two had a rare day off together while the others were off on a deployment. “It’s a L’Cie brand.”

“L’Cie, wait I thought Ignis…. But his-“

“Is completely closed while mine is just starting to open, which isn’t a good sign.” Luche cut in, he sighed, running a hand through his hair. “You aren’t supposed to know this. Only the king, and his council are supposed to know. They say its for a security reason. They can’t nor do they want to risk the Empire finding out for fear of them seeing this a trump card for the Lucis Kingdom. Though, that’s basically what this is. Two L’Cie is better than one… if I could summon my Eidolon.” Nyx could tell that the other male was clearly upset and not in agreement with what the higher ups had in place. Nyx wasn’t sure he liked what he was hearing either, he had seen and heard of what ignis was going through when he became the first L’Cie to the Lucian kingdom. The extra training, the extra classes, more responsibility was put on his shoulders. But he didn’t see Luche having all that extra training.

“But, you don’t get the training Ignis is getting? And what in the world is a Eidolon?” Nyx asked, Luche let out a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. Frowning, Nyx reached over, taking the other male’s hands between his own, running his thumb over his knuckles. “Hey, hey… Lu, relax. Take things one step at a time. Okay? im going to be here all day and night. We can take all the time we want to go over what this means and is. Just please,” he said, reaching up with one of his hands and cupping his face gently. Nyx watched as Luche leaned into his hand, the stress and tension in his body slowly started to bleed out. Which is exactly what Nyx wanted, a stressed out Luche, was never a good Luche, a saying like the ‘Happy wife, happy life.’. “Now, lets start with something simple, the training. I’ve seen the training they are giving Ignis. Are you receiving that same amount of training?”

“No, it would be too obvious,” he started saying, scooting closer to the older male. “So, instead they keep me in the dark. They don’t tell me anything, allow me access to any information they do or do not have on L’Cie. The more in the dark I am, the better for them.” he sighed, finally moving so he was tucked up against Nyx’s chest, though he made sure to keep Nyx’s hand on his cheek. “I only know what I know because I sometimes get lucky enough to talk with a past L’Cie who happened to have the same Eidolon as I am supposed to have.”

“Okay, so that leads into my second question,” the older man said, kissing the top of Luche’s head for a moment, with his other hand he rubbed his back gently. “What’s an Eidolon? What is the point of one?” Nyx couldn’t fight the smile on his face when he felt Luche wrap his arms around his waist and hugged him tightly. however, the younger didn’t respond right away. He stayed silent for a few moments, Nyx didn’t mind. It gave them both time to process the information and to process the fact that Luche had just disclosed information that no one else was supposed to know. He could only imagine the panic Luche was feeling in this moment, the younger was always good at hiding what he was feeling, what he was thinking. “Lu,” he got a hum in response, “Lu you know I love you right? That whatever this is, it’s not going to change anything, right?” Luche could only huff as he pulled away enough from the other man to look at him in the eyes. Nyx didn’t flinch when he felt his boyfriends place a hand on his cheek. “Don’t look at me like that. makes me think that your finally gonna take people’s advice and find yourself a better man.” at that, Luche snorted, chuckling at the statement, which was exactly what Nyx had been hoping to get out of him.

“Why are you like this? Why do I even love you?” he heard Luche ask playfully, Nyx could only grin and shrug before he reached out and took hold of his left wrist again. Luche paused, watching the other glaive carefully as the black, leather band was pulled off and away from the brand that seemed to haunt him everyday of his life. Though, he couldn’t ignore nor deny the sudden lump in his throat or the wetness in his eyes when he watched Nyx gently run his thumbs over the brand. He couldn’t stop the tears that managed to escape when he kissed said brand. As cheesy as it looked, and as cheesy as it was; this meant a lot to him. Especially when he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone of this, this was the one thing he kept hidden from Nyx for a long time. Luche gave a small chuckle, using his free hand to wipe the tears from his face. “Six, you are such an idiot.”

“But im your idiot. So that’s gotta count for something, right? Besides, you love it. otherwise, we wouldn’t be here.” he stated smugly, which earned him a light punch to the shoulder. “But, really, in all seriousness. Its going to be okay, Luche. Im sorry I didn’t notice sooner-“

“You weren’t supposed to find out or know. If anything, I’m sorry for keeping it form you for so long.” Luche cut in quickly, placing his hand on the back of Nyx’s neck pulling him in close and pressing their lips together. “Nyx, im telling you think now because I’ll be going away for a deployment in a few days,” he explained, sounding almost sad about it. usually if they did get deployed, they knew the other would be going away for a while, so they never really got sad about it. Luche though now, did not sound happy about leaving. “im not supposed to tell you where, but im going to anyway because I need you to know just in case anything happens, -“

“In case anything happens? Where are they sending you?”

“Niflheim.” Nyx froze the moment the word left Luche’s mouth. He felt his blood run cold and he was sure that he felt something in him shatter. Since when did they send glaive out into enemy territory, and to the heart of it? what the hell was the king thinking. “Nyx? Nyx look at me, hey,” the man blinked a few times and looked at the younger with worry. he hadn’t even realized that he had zoned out until his face was being held between Luche’s hands. “I…” shaking his head, Luche trialed off, his eyes closing as he pressed their foreheads together. “I got those orders the other night. I wont be leaving until a few days from today. Im sorry, but I had to tell you.”

“Let me guess, L’Cie business?” he asked, though his voice took on a slightly annoyed and angry tone. Though the hunter mentally kicked himself when he felt the flinch come from the younger male In front of him. “No, no, hey im sorry,” reaching out, he pulled the other man flush against his chest. Taking in a deep breath the man nuzzled his nose against the other’s. “Im not mad at you. never with you. just…of all the places, Niflheim? Its not safe, far from it.” this was Nyx ranting now by this point, and Luche would let him. “Whatever they send you in for, please come back. Okay?”

Luche merely smiled, pressing their lips together. He didn’t say yes or no, he didn’t even acknowledge the question. And he probably wouldn’t either. both knew very well that their jobs as Kingsglaive required them to take on dangerous missions and to be ready to give their lives for the sake of the Lucian kingdom. They knew exactly what they where signing up for when they came to the crown city, they couldn’t complain now, not this far in. “Come on, you own me a back rub,” Luche said, earning a small chuckle from Nyx allowing himself to be pulled to his feet and lead to their shared room. “By the way, as for your question on what an Eidolon is, its supposed to be a minor astral in a sense. They only appear to help their respective L’Cie in a moment of distress. Now help be to kill you or help you as in snap you out of it, that’s all up to you and if you let it kill you.”

“Six, what kind of bullshit-“

“Ah, back rub now, rant later.” Luche cut in, letting out a huff, Nyx gave him a fond smile as he was pulled to their room. Might as well enjoy the days he had with him before he would leave for Niflheim.

In the days that followed, Nyx was sure they hadn’t felt the apartment for in favor to stick with Luche. The one or two times he did leave was via the younger male’s request to go pick up a few things from the market. Otherwise, Nyx stayed in, held, kissed and just generally stayed within arm’s reach of Luche. Others would have found it annoying, however he could see that Luche appreciated said constant contact and affection. This went on for days, up until the day of departure for the younger of the two. Luche heaved out a sigh as he sat on the sofa, spilling on his boots flicking on the straps and such. His coat laid next to him along with a backpack. The mission was scheduled to last about two months. No more, no less. It consisted of all information gathering and planting in men that would serve as their eyes and ears within the empire. Running his hands down his face, the young of the two failed to notice when Nyx had stepped out from their room into the living room. So, when he felt a hand land on his shoulder he did startle but was quick to relax and lean against the shirtless body next to him. it was still dark outside, the sun hadn’t reached them just yet, probably not for another two or three hours at least. They stayed like this, both silent and enjoying the last few minutes they had together before Luche had to leave. “Be safe, okay? don’t do anything reckless,” Luche scoffed, pulling away and looking up at him, leaning up and kissing the other gently. “Luche,”

“I know. I’ll try to be safe. We shouldn’t be doing anything stupid. But you know as well as I do that things don’t always go as planned. But I’ll try. I promise I’ll try.” He replied, he sighed, kissing him again before he got to his feet, Nyx standing up with him as well. “I need to get going. I’ll be back before you even know it. just…just wait for me.” He said carefully, grabbing his coat and slipping it on as he used his other hand to snatch up his bag as he walked to the door. He turned to look at Nyx, frowning at the worried look on the blue-eyed male’s face.

“I love you till the sun falls out of the sky.” Nyx mumbled, wrapping his arm around the brown-haired man’s waist, pulling him in close against his chest. Smiling, Luche kissed him again.

“And I love you, you’ll be my sun should it fall.” He mumbled, pulling away from the older and nodding in a silent good bye as he stepped out of the apartment and over to where he would meet up with the others going on this deployment with him.

#nyche #luche lazarus #l'cie luche lazarus #nyx ulric #nyx ulric x luche lazarus

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radiantmists · 4 years ago

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row part one thoughts

So I’m done with part one! this got super freaking long, so readmore:

Navani focus! I am so very happy about this, y’all have no idea. And given that the fused are going to strike at the tower, specifically to mess with the very fabrial Navani wants to fix, she’s going to do something amazing.

Also, I don’t have to worry about her living to the end, or the tower being lost, because the epigraphs for part one seem very likely to take place after the events of the book.

I do have to worry about Kaladin, especially because I really don’t think spending more time around Lirin is actually going to help his mental state.

That being said, I did enjoy the evidence that he was excited about his parents moving in-- the idea of him and Syl picking out toys for Oroden is so sweet. I’m excited to see him spending time with Oroden and his mom.

I’m less excited that Shallan and Adolin are leaving without him; I get why sending him on the honorspren expedition is a bad idea, but it seems like the parts of his support system that are adapted to his current situation, as opposed to his parents who are used to him as a child, have been systematically stripped away (Rock leaving, Windrunners deployed in Azir, etc).

I continue to be super interested in what Brandon’s doing with Rlain-- he still hasn’t been able to draw in Stormlight, and he refuses to bond with a spren who’s been coerced. I hope he ends up with a spren anyway; we know it’s possible from Venli, so the honorspren just have to stop being assholes.

I initially thought that Kaladin only ordered the grouchy honorspren to consider Rlain, not to bond him, and I kinda agree that he shouldn’t be allowed to threaten a spren into bonding someone; he knows how much they hate being trapped.

Which brings me back to Navani being threatened. Who could have had the chance to smuggle the spanreed ruby into her box? My immediate prediction would be the Mink, who goes missing with incredible ease, but we really don’t know enough about him at this point to guess.

Second question, what ‘new fabrials’ does she need to stop making? It has to be a big deal, something she’s known for; it has to be conceivably causing suffering to someone. I do wonder if maybe it’s just the ones with spren trapped in the physical realm, instead of Cognitive, but Navani definitely didn’t invent this procedure-- why would they be holding her responsible?

Another possibility is that whatever Gavilar was doing has been pinned on her, which would make sense-- she’s known to be an artifabrian, whereas almost no one really knew what he was doing.

Almost no one-- Nale and another male herald (who I think by elimination has to be Kalak?) probably know the most. Nalan probably wont be helpful, though he’s promised to come teach Szeth Division at some point.

(Also, it’s hilarious that we all were wondering what relations were going to be like between Szeth and everyone else, and they just put him in jail. Navani’s encounter with him was wonderfully chilling, and true to the way he’s depicted in books 1 and 2. We like his antics with Nightblood, but he’s very much not stable and his reasons for switching sides don’t make any goddamn sense, tbh.)

On the other hand, we do have two heralds who are giving as much information as they’re capable of! Which doesn’t seem to be much, given that Taln is incoherent and Ash apparently doesn’t know anything. But still, it seems like several of our fonts of ancient wisdom have become very forthcoming, which is. So exciting.

Wit’s only talking to Jasnah who also likes keeping secrets so who knows if we’ll actually get to hear any. Navani’s perspective on him is interesting, and I wonder why no one seems to have told her how clear he’s made it that he is actually something ancient-- Dalinar, Shallan, and Kaladin all seem to know.

I also wonder who (if anyone) knows he’s a Lightweaver now. I continue to worry about what Hoid is planning on doing with all the forms of Investiture he’s collecting, but we didn’t get much info on him here.

Except Vasher seems to know a fair bit about him! Vasher wins the award for most useful worldhopper in this part. Like, guys, he explained the Returned. He didn’t even just explain it in a way that was confusing in-world but made sense to readers-- he explained it in a way that Kaladin, who knows very little about the wider cosmere, could understand.

I do appreciate that it’s made clear that he figured out this stuff himself, and that his understanding could be (and has been) flawed. Still, we now have a workman’s understanding of basically all forms of immortality and resurrection thanks to him, which is fucking amazing, yall.

The other big sharer of this part: Mraize. We finally get some insight into one thing the Ghostbloods want-- a way to transfer Stormlight off-world. We’ve long known that the Ghostbloods were among the most organized worldhopping powers active in Stormlight-- for all we know the 17th shard is still hanging out in the purelake-- but this gives them an interesting context. They’re vaguely opposed to Odium but they don’t seem to care all that much, as long as their goals for power and/or economic fulfillment work out. Beyond that things aren’t clear. Yet

Which brings us to Shallan!

If she fucks this up and doesnt get the answers Mraize promised I will scream.

She’s become fairly stable, and also remarkably open about her alters. I think it’s kind of interesting that Kaladin is in the know but her brothers aren’t-- no matter how much she loves and cares for them, their lives are pretty clearly separate.

I’m pretty annoyed that she hasn’t told Adolin about the Ghostbloods, honestly; she really wouldnt have to explain much of her past to explain that she’s investigating them, and I really don’t think Adolin would take it badly. I mean, I don’t think Adolin would take any of Shallan’s past too badly, but I imagine her infiltrating a secret society wouldn’t even register for him.

I’m curious to see how the trip to see the honorspren is going to develop them and their relationship; Kaladin’s not going, so the love triangle is probably going to continue not to be an issue despite Adolin expressing worry about Veil straying, which, thank fuck for that.

Adolin rebelling against Dalinar is great-- I love how Kaladin notes that Adolin isn’t following the codes with religiousness anymore, but he’s ‘found his own balance.’ I’m a bit concerned that Brandon is going to write this as a problem, instead of something fair and natural; while I do think Adolin does have to come to terms with things a bit, he needed to stop hero-worshipping Dalinar and it’s good that it happened.

He’s clearly excited to go to Shadesmar so that he can talk to Maya more, so that will be a big part of things, which will be nice. I do wonder what exactly Shallan will be doing during the travel-y parts of this, though I imagine negotiating Shadesmar won’t be simple even if it won’t be as chaotic as last time.

(It is vaguely hilarious to me that they’re sending the couple who are bonded to a cryptic and a deadeye to meet with the honorspren and apologize for the Recreance. How could this possibly go wrong.)

I’m not super sure what to say about Venli’s plotline? It’s super interesting, I love the complex political hierarchy of the Fused and the way Leshwi deliberately is lower in status bc the position gives her more latitude. (Though it’s not clear to me how this status is determined.)

I like that Venli isn’t just joining up with the humans; I was excited about the possibility but I guess it would feel cheap. She seems somewhat aware that the Fused won’t just let her get what they want-- and more cognizant than Leshwi that they wont just fade away if the war ends-- but I’m not sure I see how exactly she’s going to go forward from here.

She is going to help the Fused trying to infiltrate the tower. Raboniel is experimenting with spren somehow, and Venli can see into the Cognitive Realm with ease; that should be interesting.

(Sidenote, Raboniel reminds me heavily of Semirhage, and the Pursuer reminds me of Demandred. I can’t imagine Brandon is totally unconscious of the parallels, especially given that these are his “dark one’s” constantly-resurrected leaders, and I think that’s fun)

Leshwi is also worried about humans learning to trap the fused, or perhaps all singers, the way they did the unmade. I am also worried about this, as it seems like a temptingly effective but also horrific solution to the issue of the constant resurrection of the fused.

The most promising thing about Venli’s storyline is that she might make it easier to reach a resolution to this whole series that doesn’t require the extermination of one side, which I have some faith Brandon wouldn’t do.

(It’s hilarious to me that they just yeeted Nergaoul into the ocean, especially considering that you can see trapped spren in shadesmar somehow, and oceans there are land.)

In any case, Venli is going to collide with the tower squad soon enough, probably by the end of the book, and I’m excited.

I hope this doesn’t end with Rlain defecting away from the humans and to her, though that would be understandable especially given his inability to fully integrate with the Windrunners.

Sundry other things-- I wonder if Navani’s drive to understand will help her deal with Re-Shephir, who to my understanding is still lurking in the depths of the tower somewhere? It’s interesting to me that trapping the unmade doesn’t seem to actually require any radiant powers.

My other theory, which I’d been developing over the course of rereading the last couple parts of Oathbringer, is that the ninth unmade is the Sibling, and that it would have to be reawakened, possibly cleansed somehow, and possibly re-imprisoned in the tower fabrial in order to make it work fully. The ‘resistance’ that Dalinar describes in investing the tower seems to support this, at least to me.

I do wonder which Shard the sibling is aligned with; parallelism would suggest Odium, and this kinda makes sense if she’s something like the unmade, though how this would then allow her to repel void creatures i’m not sure.

(Huh, when did I decide the sibling was a she? I think the stormfather does call her that, although in that case why aren’t they the sister? Hmm...)

What does it mean that Wyndle figured out chairs? I’m genuinely fascinated.

Jasnah’s abolishing slavery!! This does more to endear her to me than literally anything she’s done in the past few books. I do anticipate a significant fight over this, especially since a throwaway line in Shallan’s first scene suggests that freeing the singers has actually caused a huge spike in the slave trade, as was predicted a couple books ago. I can’t wait for Kaladin to hear about it.

The Kholin’s don’t trust Taravangian; I’m a bit unclear as to how much the rest of the coalition actually knows about what he did, though my understanding is that it’s a nonzero amount. I’m actually a bit disappointed that he’s reached an agreement with Odium, as now rather than jockeying for the best position he’s just straight-up following instructions and trying to get Odium to win. He’s not trying to save as much of the world as possible anymore; all he can save now is Kharbranth.

I do wonder how he’s concealing his compassionate days now that everyone knows he’s a genius; it’s easy to pretend to be stupid when you’re smart, much harder to do the opposite. Maybe he just says he’s sick.

...That’s probably enough.

#row spoilers #row liveblog

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