#yep all me as well
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the funniest thing about having to report fraud on my credit card today was the girl on the phone listing all my transactions to me to see if i recognized them and literally 100% of them were all media purchases liiiiike wow I really have 1 hobby and 1 hobby only don't I
#it was like#netflix? prime? criterion channel? disney+? youtube?#yep yep yep yep all me#cineplex? nintendo? local bookstore? kindle? patreon?#yep all me as well#also the awkward moment where i had to confirm i paid for tumblr this month lol like who does that#literally i think the only purchases she listed that werent me being a nerd about media consumption was my car insurance and phone bill#anywayz someone used my credit card to buy something that was 540 dollars on amazon today!!!!#locked that shit down#they bought a deep cut band saw that they were trying to send to a suburban house in whitby ontario#the way in which i can literally google street view the asshole's home who stole my shit because they added their address to my account...#i dont know how they got it but MAYBE this will force me to get a new computer since i know outdated ones are bad for getting scammed on#somebody was also selling all my 1 cent stupid steam trading cards with my steam account last night#i cant even use frikkin steam to play games right now yet i can still get scammed on there apparently argh. so many passwords to change#i wish they'd do away with that fuckass steam trading card system#like i don't even care about those at all but that's the second time that this has happened to me now#p
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love that they introduced Ed as this menacing and intriguing looking guy who's smoking his pipe in a dark room and speaking cryptically to his little henchman and truly personifying Blackbeard, and then proceeded to spend the rest of the season telling us that we fell for his act he's actually an adorable man who wants nothing to do with that shit he only did it cause he was bored and it looked cool like 😭
#ofmd#our flag means death#meow speaks#I spoke to someone who started watching the show#and Ed comes up and she's like ~ that's your guy right?#well first of all yes lmao#but second like just your wait he's gonna burrow his way into your heart ✌️🥲#and I remembered that yep the first time I watched the show#it was the perfect intro and I didn't know what to expect from him#cause I had no idea who taika was?#and look at me now barely alive
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"I recognize it. I know whose car that is."
—SPARE ME YOUR MERCY · การุณยฆาต · Episode 04
#spare me your mercy#spare me your mercy the series#jj krissanapoom#jaylerr#sparemeyourmercyedit#thai bl#thai drama#bl drama#bl series#yep that's me desperately trying to make gifsets when all i want to do is play dragon age lol#(but really i loved this ep a lot)#(i love how it keeps fans of the novels on their toes as well)#(and the dancing scene at the beginning was such a sweet surprise)#(i really sympathise with both sides of the issue here)#by pharawee
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"The body and face of this sculpture are in idealized youth, with plump cheeks and round face, and his hair is usually unkempt..his youthful appearance, large eyes, pouting lips, and layered locks of hair over his forehead are some of the iconography that can be used to identify him"
^ this quote is genuinely still fucking plaguing me. THIS IS LITERALLY SEB???? LIKE LITERALLY 2010 SEB SPECIFICALLY????? It is actually fucking me up how it is literally quintessentially Seb. Like big eyes...plump cheeks and round face...unkempt hair...pouty lips...okay okay okay!!!! And that Antinous is basically the peak perfection of pretty boy from that time, I'm like, yeah that's Seb to me 🥹🥹🤧🤧
But god the "youthful appearance, big eyes, pouting lips, and layered locks of hair over his forehead" Does that quote not evoke pictures like these in your head???????
I feel so unwell about it 😭😭 I am going through it 😭😭
#in march i think i compared seb to the david#which i still think is just as good a comparison#but this makes me infinitely more insane#bcs the david one was more just about looks and so is this one#but the fact that theres so many statues of Antinous and his image is so consistent and perfectly matches seb??? okay.#and also in that post i did compare seb to an antinous statue as well hahaha#but i think the statues i picked for the recent drawing i did were a lot closer#basically: seb is a masterpiece. a piece of art. to me.#but i really like making historical comparisons(as you well know by now) but gah when it fits so perfectly like this#it makes me emo for some reason 😭😭😭#i think boy king is still my fav au and i always feel like a maniac abt all that historical basis#but this one just gaahhhhh like hes just a pretty boy 🥹 the prettiest boy#lmfao i come back from the race wknd and im like yep back to normal procedures: crying over seb#catie.rambling.txt#sebastian vettel
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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tumblr kww fandom was formed seperately from most other social media corners of the fandom. and that leads to silly things like the commonly used name "kww collab" and kenfies vs kenifies. and probably more. cedar if theres any more im forgetting that u know of say them pls
(in response to this confession)
#confessions#series: kww collab#very true! i have not interacted w ANY other part of the fandom myself#but. it fascinates me deeply#i think that like. the kww collab fandom on tumblr is innately based off the original theorisers? maybe???#like. i was the one who came up w calling it kww collab bcs we needed a tag to group all our theories! thats the origin of the name!#ship name kenfies MIGHTT have come from this blog? i have a discord message of me coming up w it on jul 1 bcs there was a confession abtthe#and kenfies is what i went with. thats the best explanation i have (the funniest part is me not even shipping them)#(an alternative was wifen (as proposed by nia))#this fandom was just innately started differently and in isolation#and its really fucking interesting#tumblr users often not using any other social media plays into it too i think ?#but. yeah i cant think of any other examples that would showcase this difference bcs as mentioned i am just not on other places LMAO#ao3 ofen being heavily associated w tumblr as WELL AS saiint havng posted a Lot of kww fanfic is also the reson why kww collab is usedon ao#anyway yep you are right. i am deeply fascinated#yet another long ramble in the tags#(yk i just realised that this sounds like im tooting my own horn and trust me chat im not sorry if it came off that way sadfhslgk.#i just SOMEHOW was vaguely important in this fandom i guess)
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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overthinking … nooo ……
#god help me I am having too many thoughts#about things that are not even remotely relevant right now#I really need to adopt the “cross that bridge when I come to it” mentality#because sheeeeesh#this is also sort of bestie number two’s fault because she’s the one who asked me all those questions#“what are you going to do if he confesses to you” GIRL I DON’T KNOW! I’m barely trying to establish a friendship right now#but of course now I AM wondering what I’d do#well I’ll tell you one thing I’m not going to be cruel like those kdrama female leads#that break the heart of the guy they like just because they think it’s better to let him go right now#if — IF! — that ever happened#I guess I’d let him express himself and then express myself and explain where I’m at right now#and we’d figure something out#which would be a sign of trust and teamliness I’d say!#but anyway. that’s like step 50. right now I’m on step 3#and who knows if I’ll go beyond this one#it’s actually his job to take the next one (texting me again) and I will NOT jump the gun under any circumstances#so. yep. actually expressing myself here made me calm down and not have so many abstract swirling thoughts#elly's posts#🍮
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also "textless" versions of these, wahooo
#corned beef#joe iconis christmas extravaganza#bsol#speaking of >:3 & >:3 third time's the >:3 in successfully slammed both up against the window of joe iconis's car (twitter @'d & Seen)#which is really just a :3 but whom among us (orchestra hit) is not a little impish with it#first year i did fanart like wouldn't it be fun if joe saw & liked this. second yr like Same plus it did happen last time#then also recency Fun Times bias sure but he did make it a frame in his End Of Year Good Times Celebration video like >:'3#yes i draw exactly what i wanna draw b/c it's some specific thing i enjoy that much so Yep that is the xmas show to me#so powerfully i was moved like ooh fun xmas villain wrole?? in '19 when i was paying attention & relieved of some bmc closure malaise#by the xmas show but obv Least aware / knowledgable lol. technically showed up in '18 around nov/dec but no chance Right then of tuning in#i mean i had the capacity but did not know it existed / even Less helpful preexisting context. anyway so by the time the show returns#& i've done research in between & gone my god i am i live laugh loving like Yeah i'll do more fanart & omg cyril & omg krampusfucking#able to ramp it up this year & like just thanks to Drawing Experience i'm better at forging ahead through thee process even when it's#extra ambitious like my god am i in over my head? well keep swimming for the surface like only several times going [aaa....] only to yknow#not be that tripped up anyway but still go [(celebrate) christmas!!! (with me)] & be like Do It For The Krampusfucking Gift#one post for another like lighting up my life joe just coming out like ''who wants clips. first up Full Cyril Fucks The Krampus number''#like jeez made that happen And passed it along....it's always the like epitome of my art like i make the specific often really niche stuff#i really respond to; does anyone else enjoy this? if yes; Wheeee; sometimes this is also ppl Behind the really niche shit i enjoy#like i truly hope you do get that kick out of it as i slam it up to the window; worth a Highlight Of Your Year or not#the power of [i do like to Draw the things i latch on to] + [internet] for you#really the bsol design even More an event in ''how did i even do this'' b/c even when planning to make it slightly easier like well#fewer figures; i'll use ink pen so i hone the lineart less than i would to precisely get [line weight mostly irrelevant] Line Geometry#yet still going ruh oh i'm honing for sure. but then like did Most of the lineart all in one night + all the coloring the next round#when i draw quite slowly / the Honing is virtually always an inextricable part of my process like i do Nothing in less than Hours#like i think even my freewheeling bsol sketches posted just this morning took me at Least an hour; judging by vids i played in the bg lol#not quite calibrated to have Attuned Confidence In My Ability To Forge Ahead thusly like oh no if i don't have Momentum or it doesn't#happen to be one of those times things just spontaneously come out great right off without more honing / consideration we're fucked....#not actually the case but yknow still realizing this lol But still able to just pat myself on the shoulder like It's Manageable & it is/was
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So as of Friday’s report I have technically tested positive for Lyme disease.
And I do technically experience occasional shooting nerve pains, and very occasional unexplained joint pain that comes and goes, and occasional headaches with very faintly stiff neck when they’re of a tension sort.
But. Like.
Look.
I know how that list sounds. But at the same time I am looking at the prevalence of false positives for this test, and the mildness of my own symptoms, and I am thinking that this is probably not the problem??
Anyway. The effort to diagnose my twitches/jolts continues, without much luck and with some side-tracks. 😂
#among other things sure I did Probably have Lyme disease once as a kid but that was treated#and OF LATE I have not had any incidents that would point towards a new infection#hmmngn#continued excitement in the world of doctors shrugging at me and ordering an array of blood tests#because their attempts to refer me to neurology because they know full well it’s not their specialty never seem to go anywhere ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#I might go along with it but I will also be sighing heavily if I get stuck on a round of antibiotics during all of this#it’s going to feel very much like the time I went in with palpatations and dizzy spells and asked ‘do you think it’s my meds?’#and got stuck on a heart monitor for a month before — yep — just reducing my med dose#all of that said I AM very grateful to have doctors that are taking me seriously rather than going ‘eh it’s probably psychosomatic’#life flails#health flails#my stuff
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I am once again being haunted by "a paradox" holy fuck Olivia what the fuck is going on here what did you get yourself involved with and what did you do after it speak to me Olivia I can't keep living like this
#rat rambles#oni posting#the second half fills you with the horrors so you forget that the log opened up with that b111-1 bomb#for the record a paradox is one of my favorite lore logs of all of them because its the log that made me go Oh Shit and go reread all the#olivia logs I initially only skimmed through and begun the olivia brain takeover#the second part rewired my brain irreversably like its so fucked I love it#in particular one thing that makes me so fucking glad that the old olivia jackie logs were scrapped is that originally jackie was the one#who printing pod ified olivia to save her from the end of the world or smth#but the change to make it self inflicted? fucking amazing ten million times better and more interesting#especially because it implies she did it on purpose!#which opens up so many doors and I fucking Love it#because the teleportation technology was what she knew of as a method of doing this but either A shed have to have kept using teleporters#anyways and either just count on her not dying or counting On her dying#or shed have to know the link between it and the neural vaculators#which is very possible considering Stuff™ but does raise the question of how she used it#now the boring answer is that her brain map was already taken from the neural vaculator tests but god. that answer is boring.#the most interesting possibility to me personally is that she could have well. tinkered a bit with existing technology.#unlikely? maybe. fun to explore for my purposes? yep.#also I need the peace of knowing that jackie never got the satisfaction of knowing what happened with olivia's dissapearance#or if she did only after the fact#I need this to have been completely out of jackie's viewpoint at the top and I need it to fuck with her and shatter her worldview#I need to see the desperation and paranoia of a woman who is realizing that she has lost control over her technology#I need to see her try to cling onto her past ambitions and sense of control while falling apart at the seams#and I need olivia to have never thought jackie would give a shit until all else but her is dead and gone#do you see my vision do you see it do you see how much more fun it is if it was extremely deliberate instead of only lightly so
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i see yalls asks but unfortunately i just got assigned a biiiiiig project at work at the start of this week. plus mid-year performance check is next month so obviously i really want to do well, and that means i'm probably going to do extra effort & focus on that... even tho i don't really want to lmao
anyway i'm probably going to be somewhat(?) inactive for the time being, sorry 🥲🙇🏻♀️
#a psa from rin#sigh i know everyone's tired of this and i'm tired of it too i just want to sit and draw or write all day haha#what a dream it is to just quit work and rest for like a year without it being detrimental to your cv the next time you look for work#and it's double the 'fun' for me bc to work overseas you need to have a working visa and it's... not a guarantee you can get it even if the-#-company wants you here#i love my manager and my team but sometimes we get ridiculous projects that shouldn't even come to our team (in my opinion) and it sucks#literally it should be a priority feature so product team should be the one doing this but noooooo it should go to us#bc no bandwith. even though it's a priority feature. we know how to prioritize so well#yep#sigh#ah well#sometimes it do be like that ;) ok rant over back to work i go#i hope everyone have a good rest of the week and had fun with the natlan livestream. idk when i'm gonna even watch that.
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"Non paeniteo potitus."
+ details & process
And, process !!
The jump btwn the second to last and last always surprise me whenever I make one of these because I always forget to take snapshots after I start painting. It's always like: oh yeah heres the lineart with some colors- BOOM fully finished✨️
What he's holding are the Austrian imperial scepter and orb, seen below:
I was going to draw the crown too but decided I don't hate myself that much(maybe some other day), and gave him a golden laurel crown, bcs I'm obsessed with that as a motif, and also its very remincient of the boy king statue that started this whole thing!
There's some symbolism of this, both intentionally but also just historically. I love that the orb represents that the monarch is holding the world in their hand, basically every old monarchy has one of those, and I think it's very cool for symbolism. But also bcs of that, I was forced to basically draw catholic fanart so, you win some you lose some. The star halo above him head is both to reference those religious statues with star crowns(I saw them a lot in Europe and they imprinted onto my brain), as well as: his four championships of course!
#TL: 'I don't apologize for winning' 🤭🤭🤭#^ was gonna find some old latin quote to put but was like. oh yeah of course !!!#noy sure if its entirely correct. kinda wanted to email my hs latin teacher to ask but i finished this too late at night#anyways please dont let this flop SKDKLGLVLV#im really proud of it okah 😭😭😭 it was actually so much fun and enjoyable and nice etc dtc#i questioned to myself earlier abt why my chibi art always gets more notes than my detailed art#and i realized. like unless youve been following the lore of my blog. this isnt even recognizable as f1 fanart SJFKLVLV#but thats okay because its my niche brainrot au and i will do what i want >:)#the hair and the relics are def my proudest part of this#i mentioned before but i have trouble yknow translating irl stuff or complicated stuff into drawing#but all of this came really smoothly to me in a very unexpected way#god his hair is just sooooo its ssoooooooo!!!!!!!!! i wanna pet him 🥹#but i think it def helped that i kept posting the process on my close friends#and my two irl friends(as well as some friends on here! ty!!) encouraged me a lot abt it so :D#but anyways yep pls take my brainrot art 🙏🙏 it took me 13+ hours in the span of like 3 days basically#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#catie.art.#boy king au
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The Gender Crisis™ is still Gender Crisising™ but I don't have time for that right now lmao.
#my ramblings#considering genderfluid to be honest but i also still don't know if i want to label it lol#it's hard because i literally cannot pinpoint it and sometimes i get overwhelming feelings that switch so often that they confuse me so idk#like i fully don't know if i don't feel gender at all and am sometimes attatched to presenting myself different ways void of gender#or if i only don't feel gender sometimes and the other times i do feel gender#lol idk#to be honest sometimes i do feel a strong pull to different genders and then the next day i'm repulsed by the thought of it#and then two weeks later i'm back in the fucking building and then i'm like oh okay#and it's becoming a pattern now so i could very well be genderfluid lmaoooo#but i still don't knowwwww#because i still feel very agender a lot of the time#and then sometimes i'm like no wtf i'm a woman#and then other times i'm like no wtf i am not a woman#and then sometimes i'm like what if i woke up as a guy tomorrow huh wouldn't that be so great actually#and then three hours later i'm like no wtf i am not a guy#and then sometimes i'm like oh well i'm certainly a gender#yep#don't know which one though#and then i'm like nah i'm just a woman#and the cycle continues#bro if i am genderfluid i switch so often that it's honestly annoying but also kind of funny#anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk
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#lmk#lego monkie kid#monkie kid#dadwukong#dadmac#dad macaque#me trying to write dialogue: yep this doesnt flow at all- oh well
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ALSO turned in my shop passport and heh. got my $25 gift card 😏 went all over the state to many comic stores and spent mmm well over i actually literally don't wanna think about the likely actual number anyways in what I grabbed as I went to each one. Yep. All for my awesome $25 gift card. that's right baby. spider-man is even on it
#in case youre wondering why do all that for a little $25 gift card it's about the joy of the journey and also building my collection#that means the world to me. every store was fun and cool and the people who work there are so nice and lovely and it was so fun#and im so so so glad i did it. gonna do it next year too. yep. for another $25 gift card. maybe $50 if i can talk to my cousin and ask if i#can mail it to her bc they have one (1) store out in cali. and if u get the cali store well u get the awesome $50 one#static.soundz
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