#yeah yeah i'm self involved
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#yeah yeah i'm self involved#i'm on sick leave for burnout reasons so i'm bored and poor little meow meow. pls indulge me if you will <3
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Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.
Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).
Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.
Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.
Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).
AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.
But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s
At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.
#mlp#yeah i wrote this last night during insomnia.#yeah i know an embarrassing amount of crap about this kids show#but whatever it's my hyperfixation i'll store as much useless information as i want!!!#i'm gay and neurodivergent i have an excuse#in case you needed more proof that aj's my favorite character#personal#delete later#unless you like this analysis stuff#i get why they didn't reveal aj's parent's death until way later and why they didn't do much with it but i wish they did#cuz narratively there could've been so much material with aj's grief. like. i feel like we gloss over the fact that she lost her#mother and father as a teenager#i tried keeping my personal hcs out of this to keep it unbiased#but i'll put some in the tags#involving rarijack –– i think aj can be (but not always) very self-conscious about her relationship with rarity#anxieties that she's not the right fit or that rarity will move away and leave her some day or that another woman will take her attention#(like in rollercoaster of friendship?? nudge nudge??). basic seperation anxiety stuff#long post#regarding applebloom whenever i think about her and her parents i think about that scene in steven universe where steven looks up at#a portrait of his mother and openly wonders what kind of sack lunches she would've made for him. that episode still fucks me up
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the pathologic Kin is largely fictionalized with a created language that takes from multiple sources to be its own, a cosmogony & spirituality that does not correlate to the faiths (mostly Tengrist & Buddhist) practiced by the peoples it takes inspirations from, has customs, mores and roles invented for the purposes of the game, and even just a style of dress that does not resemble any of these peoples', but it is fascinating looking into specifically to me the sigils and see where they come from... watch this:
P2 Layers glyphs take from the mongolian script:
while the in-game words for Blood, Bones and Nerves are mongolian directly, it is interesting to note that their glyphs do not have a phonetic affiliation to the words (ex. the "Yas" layer of Bones having for glyph the equivalent of the letter F, the "Medrel" layer of Nerves having a glyph the equivalent of the letter È,...)
the leatherworks on the Kayura models', with their uses of angles and extending lines, remind me of the Phags Pa Script (used for Tibetan, Mongolian, Chineses, Uyghur language, and others)
some of the sigils also look either in part or fully inspired by Phags Pa script letters...
some look closer to the mongolian or vagindra (buryat) script
looking at the Herb Brides & their concept art, we can see bodypainting that looks like vertical buryat or mongolian script (oh hi (crossed out: Mark) Phags Pa script):
shaped and reshaped...
#not sure how much. what's the word. bond? involvement? not experience. closeness? anyone in the team has with any of these cultures#but i recall learning lead writer is indigenous in some way & heavily self-inserts as artemy [like. That's His Face used for#the p1 burakh portrait] so i imagine There Is some knowledge; if not first-hand at least in some other way#& i'm not in the team so i don't know how much Whatever is put into Anything#[ + i've ranted about the treatment of the brides Enough. enough i have]#so i don't have any ground to stand on wrt how i would feel about how these cultures are handled to make the Kin somewhat-hodgepodge.#there is recognizing it is Obviously inspired by real-life cultures [with the words;the alphabet;i look at Kayura i know what i see]#& recognizing it Also is. obviously and greatly imagined. not that weird for you know. a story.#like there is No Turkic/Altaic/Mongolic culture that has a caste of all-women spiritual dancers who place a great importance on nudity#as a reflection of the perfect world and do nothing but dance to bring about the harvest. ykwim...#like neither the Mongols nor the Buryats nor the Tibetans dress the way the Kin does. that's cos the Kin is invented. but they're invented.#.. on wide fundations. ykwim......#Tengrism has a Sky Deity (Tengri) with an earth-goddess *daughter* whereas the kin worship an Earth-Goddess mother of everything#+ a huge bull. Buddhism has its own complete cosmogony & beliefs which from the little I know Vastly Differ from anything the Kin believes#like. yeah. story. but also. [holds myself back from renting about the Brides again] shhh...#neigh (blabbers)#pathologic#pathologic 2
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Game designers/visual artists going "yeah we'll minimize the narrative noise" while having literally zero expertise in storytelling/narration <33333
#thoughts#totk critical#it is SO painfully relatable#once I was in a meeting for a narrative game with designers#from a studio known for narrative games and praised for narrative games#going “yeah I legit don't give a fuck about story at all I just skip everything it's pointless to me I only care about mechanics”#to me and to my face btw!!!!!#here's the thing: verbose self-involved games that are too into their own mediocre story are a thing and they annoy me too#I do 100% agree that interactivity and player involvement will matter more always#(but also!! being engrossed in a good story IS inherently interactive and playful!!!!!! hgnnn!!!! anyway)#fun fact: that game ended up praised for its story and panned for its mechanics so oh well#should have maybe gave more of a fuck about narrative intent and the game would have been better and sold more maybe#crazy how these things happen#anyway sorry I'm a hater today
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been drawing a sorta reference thingy for Salesman Barry in the timeloop au i've been rotating around in my brain for a while recently :] it isn't as much a character design reference as it is more of a reference for how Barry's mental state begins to deteriorate as he starts having intense deja vu and nightmares every time his timeline gets reset upon death and he tries to piece together what is going on out of pure desperation and instincts (he is being experimented on and doesn't know it yet). i want to throw him at a wall (affectionate)
it is still a WIP as i haven't drawn all the details yet and i want to change the colours as they look too dull on my pc,,, also here is the original sketch :D
#barry steakfries#jetpack joyride#salesman!barry steakfries#i have been thinking of more ideas for the timeloop au..... still haven't come up with a proper name for it yet though loolll#i like putting barry in horrible traumatising situations it's fun seeing his character traits get pushed to their limits#first i'm putting him through a brutal survivalist zombie landscape that makes barry question if he'll even make it out alive this time#and then i'm shoving him into a horrible reality where his life and timeline are fake and his whole reality literally starts to shatter#its ok he gets better!!!#not so much craig though :( craig gets it rough#he basically goes through a horrific accident involving experimental technology that damns him to an existence that is permanently-#-attached to the timeline itself where he will die if the timeline gets wiped or he tries to enter another one#craig's existence is basically a living purgatory where he can never age or die but he is no longer alive as his former self anymore#he's like a half-ghost and he ends up doomed no matter what action barry would take at the end of the story#if barry erases the timeline craig dies. if craig tries to come with barry to the new timeline he dies.#if barry does nothing and keeps living in this broken timeline loop he's in then craig will never escape and have the chance to help barry#oh yeah i forgot to mention craig is trapped in a basement. and also that this post is about barry. woops#barry has to basically become a detective in this story and string together what the fuck is happening based on pure instincts alone#he's like a conspiracy theorist with his board covered in photos connected by red strings#it's really cool i think..... i should make a whole separate post about this#i love drawing my little man :)#he's so traumatised he needs a big hug and a best friend and tons of therapy and plenty of ice cream#i'm just thinkin of the effects of barry's trauma after he goes through the events of timeloop and enters the new dimension#dude's probably gonna have tones of nightmares and trust issues and dissociative episodes#he's probably going to develop a compulsion where he continuously checks the date and time because he's terrified of it resetting again#he needs a hug seriously#alternate universe#my au
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Send 👀 to see them in something that would make people stop and stare.
screenshot meme | accepting!!
#so glad I'm not an elezen enjoyer because this height difference makes me wheeze laugh#me: teehee what if she goes to an ishgardian masquerade after EW!!!!#realizing that if she were to dance with him she'd only be navel-height and it would look ridiculous:#YES SHE'S WEARING HEELS 😭#anyway this is from my self indulgent embarassing garbage involving a love triangle that's been percolating in my braincage for half a year#thanks for sending!!#asks ; playing postmoogle#oh-yeah-no#gpose
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I tried listening to Olivia Rodrigo and I'm sure this is really good for its target audience of Teen Girls Going Through A Breakup but has she actually ever put out a song that isn't about a guy cheating, breaking up with her and moving on to someone else?
like babe he's not coming back it's been 2 years you gotta find something else in your life
#red said#it's not to my taste. tbh#content aside pop music is going through a very early 2000s breathy oversinging phase#hated it with xtina and alanis hate it with ariana and olivia sorry#it's a personal taste thing but to me however hard you go with the backing track that kind of soft pretty vocal style kind of#drags it back into midtempo sludge for me#also tbh it's just extremely normal music. like i went over to her yt bc people were talking about how Weird vampire is#it's not though????? it's super not????#anyway the only one I've got anything out of is good 4 u cause she sounds more involved and less self-pitying on it#every other Olivia song I've heard sounds kinda the same bc they all have the same earnest self-pity vibe#which is what a lot of people need out of music! music that makes them feel the depth of their anger and sadness!#but idk it's never done it for me i like there to be something of a tongue in cheek or a hysterical edge#i think most of the songs I've heard from her are just too controlled and polished for them to not sound to me#like she's the person who sees you crying cause your partner is in hospital and goes YEAH I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL#MY EX CHEATED ON ME 5 YEARS AGO AND IT REALLY TRAUMATISED ME AND I'M STILL NOT OVER IT and then you have to comfort her#like i recognise she's a 20 year old making music for teenagers so that is. appropriate.#but i struggled with the wallowing then too. were i a Teen at school with Olivia's character i would be so desperate to tell GROW UP#and it's not the lyrics it really is the music#heartbreak is a perfectly good theme to write on but oh my god not every song about it needs to be a mouthful call to arms
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ugh I can't even have dramatic 'guess i'll just die' hours for catharsis because my brain knows there's a new daima episode on friday
#I am not in danger I promise I am too eager to see too many politicians bite the fucking big one to damage myself on purpose#Also I love me a lot and I would never do that to me I've worked too goddamn hard on becoming me to throw me away lmao#my mental health knows to put that one back in the deck. it's a non-starter bitch move on.#Worst part of my brain: What if you-#Most Egotistical part of my brain: Ew lmao who let you in here#Worst part of my brain: Oh sorry I-#Most Me part of my brain: Are you kidding my dog would be Devastated if anything happened to me. YOU TRYNA HURT MY DOG M8??#Worst part of my brain: nO I LOVE DOGS I'M JUST-#Laziest Part of my brain: I mean I don't wanna hurt me and I don't wanna put my mom through the trauma so nah I'm gonna pass sorry#Worst part of my brain: Can I fucking finish my sentence please??#Worst part of my brain: What if you... spent a lot of money on takeout mexican food#Every other part of my brain: Oh yeah financial self-harm is totally fine if there's cheese involved. That's a law I think.#personaltag#we stay silly
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No one talks about this so here's a small reminder to keep your eyes on your own plate. If a skinny person is refusing food, it does not necessarily mean a) they have a restrictive eating disorder or b) they are calling you fat. Mind your business.
#food tw#ed mention#i think about this a lot because i've been having a lot of health issues#and just yesterday i was diagnosed with something to do with my stomach. and i am a skinny person.#i can't tell you the amount of times i've refused something that will undoubtedly irritate my stomach -#- and the people around me (always women bc they're taught to hate themselves) always say 'oh i shouldn't either actually'#or they tell me their whole life story like 'yeah i actually can't eat a lot in the morning either' 'i have trouble finishing sandwiches'#and????? congratulations?? like it's none of my business and what i eat is none of your business so..?#it really is annoying and i don't want to be that skinny person who complains but no one talks about this.#i'm not this way by choice. but if i was that also shouldn't matter. i'm not judging you by refusing food??#literally eat whatever you want. all food is food. i don't subscribe to the 'pure' or 'good' food bs. don't involve me bc i'm thin.#((disclaimer. i very much know how ED brain works and i'm very aware of how low self-esteem works and screws with your head.))
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Yeah. Man. I'm just sitting here remembering I've been doing this my entire life. I feel like there was a patch I wasn't, part of the teen years, and that's either I've forgotten because trauma orrrr something else but
No wonder I've never felt anchored on this plane. But it doesn't matter, well, no, it matters a lot, but this life is just constantly isolating in how it works so I will keep the talk of not fitting in here and what being weirdly one got in one foot out has done to talking to myself lmfao but... I remember. I remember being in the garden as a really young child and I'm not a young child. I'm this chimaeric fairy-type thing of swirling and bulging colours like a psychedelic faceted-insect-eye's led trip, four or more wings of different types that are again, so ungrounded, so psychedelic, vivid. Not uncertain. Not half-formed. Fully formed, the starbeing in me just barely contained in the shape of the human-pretending-to-be-a-fae it's pretending to be
I remember so much, actually, and it's. it's just weirdly melancholic....? Maybe not melancholic, but it's so sad and I don't know why. Actually. I mean I've been trying to piece it together for like twenty minutes now but... People get a little irritated at me for being very "you don't understand and no one sees me" but like. I have lived an entire life walkinv streets where no one sees me. It's very complicated, there's. mental health stuff in there because of course I've come across a lot of spirits but I have bad issues seeing people as real but like. Man yeah no I am a snail and one part of me can be physically seen but the other has always been on the other side
#There's a lot to this that I just don't want to get into because it's no ones business irt mental health issues influencing#isolation and then trauma and stuff. It's not a matter of ''I was involved in astral stuff and no one else in the world Ever has been''#lmfao like it's just that. Astral self is still me and man. Idk. Realising these past few years constantly the Trauma(tm)#And it makes so many physical events now make sense where like I felt like I could (do astral stuff) and#Man. It's just. There's so much melancholic distance in these astral memories kept behing the Mask Face expression#it really is like. you ever have to leave someone at a bus stop or airport and you're not sure you'll ever see them again#It's this weird heavy and distinct feeling looking at myself like this astral body is a family dog I've just left in#à forest at night and I'm driving away from them and they just know. It's not like Tears Flowing sad it's this. the entire form#just swallows existence. It just is eternally falling away from the world and swallowing it as it goes#It's not a dog left at the roadside its the goddamn ghost of one left years ago. You see it and you aren't sad about leaving your#dog you're like wow. That dogs still here. I don't know what to do. It's image is burned into my retina. It's looking at me#I can see it getting further away in the rear view mirror and no one would ever believe me I'm seeing a ghost so this moment#is etched into my mind now. Except. The memory fades anyway when you look away. It's so like....... It's not even sad#It's just a ghost. I was worried about connecting astral and physical bodies and starting this journey to projection#fully consciously because I knew there'd be a lot of Trauma but this isn't even trauma it's just... My god. I've existed my#entire life as a ghost. like. /ghost/ ghost. Ghost. haunting my own existence. And it's again not just sad it's this weird...#I feel like I've only ever been able to exist off this plane. I exist in this liminal state I exist most freely when unwanted#Not because I need to be unwanted but because what I am freaks people out#Yeah that. vision. that vision of my astral form in this weird obscure unplaceable large animal with a blurred#mask like face in the headlights or tail lights of a car - it's hard to know because it warps reality. I don't know what direction#I'm travelling. I don't know what this thing is. but it's on this forest-flanked road in these lights and it's looking and#there's no one around that can elucdiate the situation and............. Yeah. Man. Yeah.#ramblings //#Astral body //#Astral diary //
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"you aren't very EMPATHETIC to detransitioners! ☹️" yeah dude. that was kinda the whole point of the post. try again
#i don't really have much empathy for people who have no empathy for me#also I don't think they should exacerbate their own suffering thru harmful rhetoric about both their own bodies and those of others#which actually is the more empathetic take I can say wrt detransitioners. certainly more empathetic than their own rhetoric#like I'm literally out here saying they should reduce their own suffering and that of those in their communities#which seems to involve constantly referring to themselves as shit like “mutilated” and “ruined” like how is that healthy?#they're the ones saying no we need to suffer and also you need to suffer because ??????????#there isn't even a good reason for it.#when my literal point is that my sympathy is severely limited when a person makes the choice to be a fucking bigot#you're not exactly gonna sway me by just. pointing that out. like yeah duh#detransitioners love to self-infantilize and say it was the evil doctors and the evil trans people who made them do it#it was ANYTHING but their own choice#and they're so used to being coddled for claiming it that they seem baffled when others don't buy it lmao.#just like i don't buy that hrt wasn't ultimately your own choice i don't buy that you can't help being a self-loathing bigot. sorry!
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Dick Grayson 🤝 Roy Harper
Sidekicks successfully able to move beyond their mentor and more well-known for their own individual vigilante identity now.
Stephanie Brown 🤝 Bart Allen
Original heroes that carried a couple legacy names before going back to their own unique hero names.
Tim Drake 🤝 Conner Kent
Stuck in the same name retelling the same stories and unable to fully grow as a character because DC can't seem to give them their own unique identities that would allow them to move on past this narrow idea of their characters.
#anyway yeah....just having some musings....they don't make 'em like they used to /hj#if they would stop roping Tim back into Robin that would be great actually#similarly i think Kon is being held back by still being Superboy#not to the same extent that Tim is but definitely keeps looping the 'i'm not like other Supers :(' narrative#(looking at you Superboy: The Man of Tomorrow preview)#i am holding out hope for the new SB series but also i am so fucking nervous. don't fuck this up for us dc#and i think he should get to be like 'i'm not like other Supers :D' and then build a new identity in the reconciliation of self#does that make sense?#like....i don't mind him staying SB except that it does grate on me a little that jon is allowed to grow up and become Superman#while kon is left behind and kinda neglected in superfam content and not allowed to Grow™#and growth doesn't have to involve a change in hero name but i feel like tim and kon's names are so tied to their teen years#and them still having the same names is also seems to be why they aren't allowed to literally grow and be aged up at all#which limits the kinds of stories they get to have and can be used to tell#the immortal comic medium vs. the realism of believably semi-mortal characters ig#rambling in tags#spec-text-ular#dc#dick grayson#roy harper#stephanie brown#bart allen#tim drake#kon-el#conner kent#nightwing#arsenal#spoiler#batgirl#robin iv#impulse
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ugh. once again. shut the fuck up
#not three posts into scrolling and there's people fighting again. i am genuinely reaching the end of my rope#and i've never been driven away from fandom before. not even in the spn trenches. maybe i curated my dash better before than i do now??#but i just. god idk it's very disappointing#that whenever i seemingly find cool blogs to follow that don't seem to involve themselves in petty self-righteous better-than-thou drama#at some point they end up. bringing the disk horse along#i am tired. and frustrated. can't we go a day without. the mess. please#like i don't even involve myself in any of that and yet i'm still subjected to it it's annoying!!!#it's not in the fun way that you sometimes get the chance to see a fandom lighting up on fire#because this isn't everyone experiencing a big event and going crazy abt it together. this is just infighting. which plainly sucks#sorry i've complained about this twice this week now it's just really bugging me#(and yeah i know. there's a block and unfollow button. i just wish things were fundamentally different so i didn't have to use it so often)#i'm here to like and reblog and interact. not to spend half my time on the site sniping blogs
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you guys know that pretty much every single political group in history has had the moderate reformists and the radical revolutionaries, right? and that even though they disagree about certain methods, their goal being the same means that they cooperate in order to achieve more attainable short term progress while actions are taken at the same time for long term progress? this is what liberal feminists used to be to radical feminists, the two groups did not hate each other, they just had different outlooks, but generally respected what the other group was trying to (and had some success to) achieve. we lost this dynamic and relationship with the post modern, genderist overtake of liberal feminism, and so it is clear to me that we are in dire need of that role again, with the same repeating schisms in approach that appear under the singular label of radical feminism.
at the very least, we need to establish a differentiation in reformist (i don't mean surface level equality feminism, but looking at practicality and realistic, incremental actions, and harm reduction for women while the other group is more about instant action towards the big picture of abolishment of the system, which won't occur tomorrow or any time soon considering most of the world is NOT radical feminists) and revolutionary radfems purely for the sake of having that instant understanding of how the other faction thinks, and not having these aggressive arguments over and over again when it is clear that it's not a misunderstanding or hypocrisy or bigotry (well, sometimes it is, but i mean the core issue), but a fundamental difference in worldview that is unlikely to heavily change with defensive and highly tense online debates that keep happening over and over.
this is all i'm going to say for this round of 'oh my god everything is imploding again'. this is also not saying anything specific about certain people or making judgement upon individual incidents on either side, i'm not getting into that. just a general thought after looking at repeating patterns of conflict.
#this is one of the main reasons why i don't get involved#i think both groups are correct in their core beliefs but just serve different necessary purposes#the best comparison i can think of is the hong kong protests#they had a group that fought directly with the police#and another group that didn't want to do that but instead provided supplies first aid shelter and great pr#or the two factions of the civil rights movement#i'm genuinely not both sidesing this though i do think both sides go too far with the insults and bad faith interpretations#BUT a lot of it is self admitting non radfem bad actors that excitedly jump in to insult whatever women they can#plenty are self proclaimed radfems though so i won't place all of it on them#but yeah i genuinely think both sides have not just valid but correct and necessary points that many don't seem to understand#that they can exist and not contradict
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I just realized my lasts two posts are complete tonal whiplash from my buttsecks post
#i think I'm thinking abt this bc I've been watching too many YouTube videos abt fucked up families doing really fucked up things#and like#yeah my family is fucked#but not like that#I'm not trying to downplay the fuckery#but the genre of fuckery is different from what the last two posts were abt lol#people in my family are just very disconnected from like#actively fixing anything abt it#like most of them are trying to or have talked about pursuing things like therapy and healthcare and things#and [redacted] I'm close enough with where like I know they aren't fucked in the head#and then my mom is just#severe unrecognized fully ADHD and probably autism#combined with very fucking low empathy#shes just very in her own world#but she's like#moreso a health nut white suburban mom#than someone you'll see on a documentary where extreme violence and abuse were involved#shes like#at least sometimes self aware that she has been part of the problem esp around me#its just#yeah
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when you think about it the utrh finale is just an elaborate and twisted version of “killing myself in front of you to forever change the trajectory of your life” and i can respect that.
#i hope you all know what meme i'm referencing#jason being like. the least i can do is retraumatise everyone involved (self included)#did he hope that bruce would comply. he sure did. he knows nothing but hope.#was he also self-sabotaging and proving to himself he can’t have what he wants and needs. yeah#jay.zip#jay.txt#dc
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