#yeah uh. idk. nervous 2 post lol. anyways.

[addox]

HIIII DEX for the kiss prompts, how about wrist? :)

♡ @eternally-smitten

[ wrist ] a tender kiss on the inside of the partner's wrist

"jesus, murdoc, you scared me," they gasp, burying their face into his chest. it had caught them off guard, when he'd spun them around so suddenly from where they had been standing at the kitchen island. they hadn't heard him come in.

"i've told you plenty, doll, you must be more vigilant."

"i'm sorry i don't have the skills you do."

"nobody has the skills i do, darling."

he reaches out, brushes a strand of hair from their face. his touch lingers, fingers tracing their cheek as he gazes down at them. they lean their head into the cool touch of leather, for a moment.

before he can move again, they've taken his gloved hand. carefully, slowly, they unclasp the small latch at the base of his wrist and press their lips softly to his skin. he allows them this small affection, though not without flinching at the way their breath fans up his sleeve after as they breathe a sigh of relief onto him. clearly, they've missed him in his absence.

as they breathe him in again, a familiar scent reaches their nose. it's metallic, and nauseating and one might think they'd be used to it by now, but they never will be. never can be, not when it's on him and they can't tell if it's his own blood or someone else's, though generally he reassures them it's the latter. this is no such time.

"...you're bleeding."

he pulls his hand gently from their grasp, inspecting his bloodied knuckles slowly, "so i am. it's nothing."

they lean back against the counter, pulling their waist from where he holds it against himself. this draws his attention; their expression falls with hurt and worry, "its always nothing, to you. it's everything, to me."

"oh, dahlia, please don't start. you know i don't fare well with sentimentality."

"at least let me look it over, make sure it's not serious."

he exhales slowly, dark eyes darting away from them for a moment. he would never admit it, but something in him hoped they would offer. as much as he hated tangling with emotional attachment, their gentle doting in all its innocence stirred something within him he hadn't bothered to give a name to, for it was so foreign to him.

"fine."

[theangelcatalogue]

WHAT'S WRONG? || YANDERE FRANCIS X READER! || ★!

★ - Romantic or Platonic(?)!

★ - Gender Neutral reader!

★ - One shot!

★ - Before we start: Idk why i did this, but i saw fics of him, and people going crazy over him, so why not?? I don't even write for that's not my neighbour, but i love the game! So let' go! Also sorry if is confusing! My mind is kinda tired and idk why i wrote this at 1AM(Is i wrote this at 1AM, remade some parts and posted it at 2AM) (Pls check Tw before reading it! <3)

★ - TW: YANDERE, DOPPELGANGER, BLOOD, BAD ENGLISH, BAD GRAMMAR AND MADE BY A MINOR!!! PLEASE TELL ME IF I MISSED SOMETHING!!!

   ˚๑ ✦ Y/N!!! ✦ ๑°

・・・ ★ ・・・

︶ ꒷ ︶ ꒷ ꒦

Just a normal day in work!

This work is not that bad, i mean, i have to focus in every single neighbor, check some papers and be careful because some of than can be actually doppelgangers that will kill me and the persons that live here? Yeah-

But is guess i am getting used to it! And some neighbors are really nice! And others are just weird and rude! But what i can do? People are like that!

It's kinda weird that no one is showing up now, but i can have some time to rest now! Just me, a good coffee and my jornal/book(it can be a jornal or a book!)

Now i am just reading, waiting for anyone, i mean the today's list is short today! Lucky me i guess? I get kinda focused in the reading, the content is kinda depressing and boring, but is what i have for now

" Hello Y/n. "

I heard someone saying, Oh! I can't forget this voice!

" Francis! Tired as always? Well, let's see if you are in todays list! "

I said not taking the eyes of my jornal/book, i am lucky that Francis is the one who showed up! He is kinda nice! Just a tired guy but hey! He is a hardworker!

" Sounds good for me. Here is my entry request and ID "

I could notice him giving the papers, now i notice his hand is kinda dirty and his voice is kinda off, more tired than usual...

" Oh! Thanks- "

I respond him finally taking my eyes of the book, now i can see Francis better let's say, he is covered in a red liquid with a weird smell

It is what i am thinking? Oh yeah! A doppelganger! But i never thought a doppelganger would commit a error like that, why blood...? Some are a missing eye, others just say peach and others are a long neck and etc, what if is not a doppelganger...?

" What's wrong Y/n? Something wrong about the papers? "

He says noticing that i am kinda nervous, i just pick the papers and the clickboard as usual, first thing to question?

His looks.

" Francis! What happend? You are corvered in...what is that? Can you explain? "

Francis just looks at his outifit and then back at me, the same tired look, but something about the way he looks at me is different, i can't tell what is

" Oh this? It's a new milk! Scarlett Milk! It's a Milk with Red coloring, and Yes, it's food coloring! Not used in clothes... "

" Really Francis? So tell me! How did you got corvered in...Scarlett Milk...? "

He was getting tired of me questioning i guess, okay, i have three options!

1. It's really a milk with food coloring

2. It's a doppelganger

3. Francis is a killer or just got crazy

Please let it be 1-

" Accident at work. Just that, can i go in? "

He asks me looking at me deep at the eyes, i feel like he is judging all my sins, i break the eye contact and look at the Red button and then at the phone

Should i call the police or my boss?

" Look Y/N, i am really tired, just let me in, so i can go take a shower and rest. Maybe after you are done, you can go to my room, drink some coffee together! I heard is your favorite drink, what about a coffee with milk uh? "

He says to me, i think he is getting impatient

OH REALLT Y/N L/N!? DON'T TELL ME

" I- "

" Come on darling. "

He gets closer to the window, supporting his one of his arms in the glass

" Let. Me. In "

✦ - NOTES!!!

✮ " Sky wtf was that? " I DON'T KNOW LOL ✮

✮ The fandom go crazy about him gosh ✮

✮ Okay should i write for TNMN??? ✮

✮ Anyways have a good day my loves! <33 ✮

[sasukimimochi]

His eyes scanned the horizon, making sure he was on track to get home, but then his legs faltered as he saw something in the distance, between the many aspen and evergreens. A small splash of color amongst white and faded jade. He slipped, exclaiming as he tumbled down the slope, as shallow as it had been. The man groaned, and lifted himself slowly while dusting off the snow now stuck to him from the rolling.

            “Are you…Alright?”

            The man’s head shot up and met with another pair of eyes- like fields of ice, but soft. He’d never seen such eyes. “I…y…yeah, wait,” He shook his head and stood up, now noticing the ethereal man kneeling beside a frozen spring, thin, ivory digits stained pink from the cold and held calmly in his lap. This man…who was he? Why was he out here?

            “Uh…What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.” The ethereal figure quietly looked back to the stream, eyes somehow…speaking a thousand words, but none that the other could recognize.

            “Waiting…”

OK. I decided to bite the bullet and post this.

These are character designs for an original cultivation story (would be BL btw, i realize i forgot to write the genders on the sheets) and i was kind of nervous to post them for some reason so i've had them for a while now (as you can see at the end of 2022)

But i love the characters obv, and since i didn't draw today again due to trying to get some posts prepped for the future, i thought...what better time to share these than now?

um well, i hope you like the concepts? i don't really have a summary for the book yet. since its an original though i wanted to do a lot more research into cultivation before i began actually writing again (i have some bits and bobs but they need to be redone probably) uh, basically the premise is though that Wyn (chestnut hair) is disguised as a woman for an arranged marriage but then the husband he marries, when he lifts the veil, is very happy abt it and they end up having a happy life- for however long that lasts. something happens and he dies (he's already dead at the start of 1 this aint a spoil lol) and so we begin 50 years later where every day he waits at the spot his husband was supposed to meet him no matter the weather, and he meets a rogue cultivator who likes to go by Aspen. Ensue hijinks lol

Drawings that didn't make the cut [or you know, first scribbles/thoughts] are under the read more line.

honestly tho idk the rules of cultivation stories which is holding me back, i'm so interested in cultivation now but i have read 2 danmei and thats it rn

so i'm clearly lacking the needed experience sadlfhasdg-- anyway...

[fappellmoan]

ok abby i HAVE 2 ask ... who is this she/her youve been speaking of as of late gimme the DETAILS 👀✨

oh em gee sia ily for entertaining this <3 esp since i’ve been keeping up on your he/him for so long… UHM! i do have this post that’s basically a summary rant of things that happened that made me insane. but i’ll rehash some other stuff because i see her again soon and i’m really not prepared for that fact lol.

basically i saw her on zoom and was like oh she’s cute :3 (btw i think she’s also a marketing/business major) and so we followed each other and then she volunteered to be my assistant in our first in person (film) class and when i saw her irl i was like. god idk i’ve never had that. instant attraction before? and that would be one thing but we clicked SO well. like ofc it was a little awkward at first and i was so so nervous but we eased into a silly banter and any time we spoke the energy was just very !!!!!! like. like we were all eye contact and teasing and it’s just one of those situations where something feels really right yk… not to be corny. but LIKE yeah she chose to sit by me when she could and we’d easily talk and joke around and during our last few classes i had her laughing across the room face down head in hands more than once so i was fr like was that funny babygirl…

ugh and during our last class we sat together and we talked. So much and she went red in the face bc i leaned into her to talk to someone else and she kept saying she wished she had spent more time with our crew and then we all went to get ice cream and i find out. SHE HAS A BF. and again i have a little bit abt what happened with him in that post but basically i was nice…. but also he Clearly saw me as a threat bc as much as i was trying to be chill she was being a fucking FREAK!!!!! (she was talking to me a Lot and stuttering and then he called us ‘besties’ and we were silent. yikes) and then i had to approach them while they were hanging out on campus bc she wasn’t answering anyone about smth that had to do with our class and he was so pissed he refused to say hi and just glared at me lol it was SO awkward but like. it was basically my Job for the class whatever and then shortly after i was blocked from viewing her story and stuff but she still looks at mine and i’m just like. why don’t you just block ME.

anyway we’re going to basically be neighbors and she already invited me over but that was pre-bf meeting so i have no idea if we’ll uh. talk. but we have one shared class and potentially two if i get off a waitlist (which she was Very enthusiastic about) and i’m sort of friends with her best friend now??? so she must not hate me. and there are just a lot of silly coincidences that happened along the way that made me feel like. im supposed to know her. and ik that sounds goofy. anyway i don’t want to pursue someone that’s taken but well. ig i’m a horrible person and it Was a new relationship and yk. i just haven’t ever felt that way before and i think i confused her too lol. so im just chilling thinking about how to handle this year, i think i’ll see if she talks to me or ignores me in class and one way or another try to approach her and just ask what happened... lol

[jokerscrazybrilliant]

Survive - Chapter 1 - (Captain Rex)

Idk why I'm so nervous to post this lol, but I'm new here, anyhow, I've been re-watching Clone Wars and re-fawning over the incredible Captain Rex, so um, here's the maybe beginning to something? I kind of don't know how to judge my own writing so I hope this isn't totally sucky lol..

ANYHOW CHAPTER 1 !! XD

Also out now:

Chapter 2 · Chapter 3 · Chapter 4

Story on other platforms:

AO3 · Quotev

________

sur·vive /sərˈvīv/ verb Continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship. Similar: live · continue · remain · last · persist · endure · persevere · abide · linger · exist · be • continue to live or exist in spite of (an accident or ordeal). • remain alive after the death of (a particular person). • manage to keep going in difficult circumstances.

________

Darkness. Everywhere. Not just a lack of light, but the feeling of being lost and directionless, the great darkness that spread endlessly in every direction. And I was alone in it, unable to watch my step, I stumbled over my feet as I ran. Run. Run. RUN.

“MASTER!” The shout tore itself from my throat painfully as I shot up in bed, sweating and in a panic. Breathing heavily, I put a hand to my chest, feeling my heart pounding painfully rapidly. I tried to control my breathing as I blinked away tears, making my way to the refresher, the bright lights of Coruscant’s horizon making their way into the room through the window.

The shower helped calm me down and I got dressed in my tan and brown jedi robes, making my way to the balcony to meditate until sunrise.

Today the council would be informing me of their decision on my future. When I lost my master so close to being ready to take my tests to be knighted, the council was unsure of which path would be best for me. To assign me as a Padawan to a new master or to get me to take the tests early, neither seemed an easy option. I took a deep breath and let my mind quiet as I felt the force flow through and around me. Whatever may come would be for the best, I just had to keep my mind open and accept things as they were.

***

Standing there in front of the council, most of what was said passed around me in a haze. All of the comments on how what had happened was unfortunate, but the force willed it so, the comments on how it would make me a stronger Jedi to learn patience detachment and strength from this particular trial. While this was all true, I wasn’t in a place where I wanted to hear these words. I just wanted to know what their decision was so I could carry on without thinking about what happened.

“-so we believe that it would be best if you served under another Jedi master, not necessarily as his Padawan, but just to gain some more experience before you are ready to take the tests for your knighthood. And you would also be assisting him in leading his battalion and helping him plan strategies for key missions. This is a great opportunity, so I hope that you will make the best of it, and I’m sure you will, we have faith in you Nimra.”

“Thank you Master Windu,” I bowed my head to him respectfully. “Might I ask to which Jedi Master I am being assigned?”

At my question a half smile and a nearly playful twinkle appeared in the Master’s eye. “Anakin Skywalker. He is a very skilled Jedi, and things would certainly never be dull.”

I gave a slight smile in response and bowed once more to the council. “Thank you for the opportunity masters, I will do my best to make you proud.” With that I made my exit, sagging slightly once the door closed behind me.

Master Skywalker, huh? I had met him a few times with my previous master on certain missions, and Master Windu’s comment made perfect sense to me. Things would certainly be interesting, but I was just hoping to keep my head down and get through the next few months with him until I could take my tests.

***

He was late. This was a wonderful start. He was late, and he was arriving in an old trash pile of a ship, one that looked like it was found in a junkyard on an outer-rim moon somewhere. “Nimra!” He called my name joyfully as he made his way down the ramp with a small blue astromech and a young orange skinned Togruta following him.

“Master Skywalker.” I bowed my head respectfully and gave him a small smile.

“I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to your master. He was a great Jedi Master and it’s truly a loss to the republic and the Jedi Order.”

“Thank you, Master.”

“Of course. I’d like you to meet my Padawan, Ahsoka Tano, Snips this is Nimra Sayla.” I bowed my head to the padawan as well and she returned it with a smile. “Nimra will be joining us for a while, and we will be lucky to have her, I’ve fought on the battlefield with her, and she is a force to be reckoned with.”

“You’re too kind, Master.”

“You’re nearly knighted yourself Nim, stop calling me that would ya?” He laughed at my formality, and I gave a small chuckle myself.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. Master – Master Diya thought highly of professionalism and formalities.” I kept the smile even though saying my old Master’s name caused a sharp stinging pain in my heart. Anakin put his hand on my shoulder and gave me an understanding smile, which I appreciated immensely.

“Well, we should get going if we’re going to make the rendezvous with the rest of the fleet.” Anakin turned to climb back up the ramp before the astromech gave a series of agitated beeps at the Jedi. “Oh, you’re right, how could I forget. This, is R2-D2.” He laughed as he introduced the droid to me, it beeping appreciatively and spinning it’s head around slightly.

“Hello R2-D2, it’s nice to meet you.” I gave the droid a grin as we all made our way into the ship, me biting my tongue as not to comment on how this junk pile would possibly make the trip through hyperspace.

***

“Home sweet home.” Anakin commented as we made our way into the hangar of his Jedi cruiser we had met up with.

“Welcome back, General.” A clone trooper with the blue paint of the 501st met us as we descended. He was holding his helmet under his left arm, and he had buzzed bleached hair, with no other specific markings unlike many clones who chose to tattoo themselves or get very unique haircuts to set them apart from their comrades. Of course, being someone with the force, I could feel the energy signatures within people rather than just seeing their outsides, and that had always helped keep track of the clones, who while they had the same DNA, each had their own very different and unique personalities. “I see we’ve picked up a new recruit?”

“Thank you, and yes, Captain Rex, meet Nimra Sayla.” Anakin introduced us, gesturing his hands between us before focusing on an information disc R2 was giving him.

“Nice to meet you General.” The Captain gave me a salute.

“Oh, no, not quite. I’m not actually a Jedi Knight yet.” I gave him a slightly sheepish smile.

“Ah, sorry about that Commander.”

“That’s quite alright.”

“You’re not a padawan but also not a knight yet?” Ahsoka inquired from beside me.

“Uh, no, not yet. My master, he died before I could take my tests, so I’m going to complete my remaining trainings here with you until I can take them.” I was acutely aware of the pity entering Ahsoka’s eyes, but thankfully the clone did not show that same emotion, rather just a slight understanding of my situation.

“Sorry to hear that Sir.” Rex said, still standing at attention.

“Yeah, I’m sorry too.” Ahsoka said sweetly.

“It’s really okay, but thank you.”

“Alright, me and Ahsoka have to go prepare a debrief, and discuss how when I say ‘let’s go’, it means ‘let’s go’, and not ‘take your time Ahsoka’.” I chuckled at Anakin’s words.

“But Master, if I hadn’t stayed as long as we needed, we would’ve never gotten the information we needed!” She retorted, pointing at the disc in his hand.

“Yeah yeah, that’s not the point, Snips. Anyway, Rex, can you show Nimra around and to her quarters please?”

“Yes, of course Sir.” The captain saluted again and then turned to me as Anakin and Ahsoka walked away, still bickering.

“Are they always like that?” I asked, small smile still on my face.

“Yes Sir, for the most part.” His response made me turn to look at him in the eyes, serious expression taking over my features.

“I will do whatever it takes, whatever it takes, to get you to stop calling me that.” The moment he recognized my joking, some of his seriousness dissolved, and a small half smile appeared on his face.

“Whatever it takes?” He inquired, arching an eyebrow.

“I will personally make the trip to the end of the galaxy and back, on THAT scrap pile, with an agitated blurrg as my copilot, just to get you to stop calling me ‘sir’.” I pointed at Anakin’s ship behind me, serious expression never cracking even as I gained a full smile from the captain, which made my heart warm slightly.

“Well in that case, Commander.”

“That’s not any better!” I exclaimed, laughing as he grinned at me.

“Shall we begin the tour?” He offered, arm outstretched in the direction we would begin with.

“Yes, Captain.” My grin remained as he began to show me around. This will be interesting indeed.

[seijorhi]

asks :))

what i have learned today is that y’all wanna get fucked by some monsters...

What does nostos mean? What language is it in? 🤔 also I of course loved it, mind blown as usual queen

it’s ancient greek! it means homecoming, the idea of a triumphant return home for the hero after a long journey. i found it through looking at the root of nostalgia. in this fic of course it’s kind of a grim tongue in cheek play on it. the reader’s coming back to the mountains, but she’s running away after a bad breakup, and the welcome she gets is... shall we say less than ideal haha

Just read nostos-

First of all as a person who reads monster shit- hell ya. Mhm. That’s some good shit right there. That was DELICIOUS horror. It actually had me a bit nervous and afraid to read what was gonna happen next 😳

Secondly- omg I wanna know what happened next (at the end) 👀 know what I mean??? 😼

ANYWAY AS ALWAYS you never disappoint and your writing is fantastic (if/when you write horror yandere stuff again I’ll be there- frothing at the mouth. A+++++ work ILY💖)

you want me to write the monster porn, just say it bby ghfjdkshgfjkd but ty

Omfg that fic was so good!

Did the readers mom know about monster kuroo?? Or was she just worried because of the previous murder? And did Kuroo somehow manipulate reader into coming back to the forest or was it just a big coincidence? (👁���👁 there's no such thing as a coincidence)

Looking forward to your future work <3

ty nonnie!! i didn’t have the right space for it, but after kohsuke was ripped apart and eaten kuroo stayed by the reader’s side until late in the night, only disappearing when he heard the reader’s parents/search party approaching. they found her lying in pools of blood (and scattered half eaten body parts), shaking and unresponsive – they knew no animal could’ve done something like that. so they knew something lurked in those woods, but considering the reader had repressed the memories, her mom couldn’t just come out and say it <33

You are an AMAZING horror writer!!!

The uneasiness I got from the conversations with the mom is just *chefs kiss*

A+++++

ahh thank you!! horror is such a hard genre to write because i’m never sure if the suspense and everything’s gonna hit right haha

I read Nostos before going to sleep last night and at the time I was like “sure hope this doesn’t give me nightmares” and thankfully it didn’t lol. But I think I’m willing to take that chance again because it’s so GOOD and I think I’m just going to have to relive it – @ohno-otome

fhdjgbfhjkdfn i’m glad it didn’t give you nightmares bby!! but i also appreciate that haha, i’m an absolute wimp with scary movies and stuff but i just can’t stop watching them haha

I just wanna say that I was listening to "You're a psychotic villain playlist" on youtube while reading Kuroo's oneshot and I can't explain the emotions I felt, but I'd let Kuroo do things to me asdfghjkl – @itishebihime-samaforyou

ooh nice! sometimes the right playlist makes things doubly as fun haha

OH MY GOD!?!?! Nostos was soooo GOOD?!?!? Like it was so creepy (but in a good way), and scary and suspenseful!! And the ending!?!? Omggg honestly one my fav fics from you!! You did my mans Kuroo justice 🥺💖💕

TYYYYYYY i was genuinely concerned i was gonna scare everybody off haha

Ah! The new fic! Chiefs kiss! Magnificent! Bravo!🧚‍♀️✨🧞‍♀️🦖🦭🌹💫

tysm nonnie!!! <33

i’m pretty sure i’m in the same/similar timezone as you? and i do be staying up late to be one of the first to read your fics (i usually stay up late anyways). so imagine my surprise when i see you post in the afternoon. in conclusion, whether you post to align with your european and american readers’ timezone, my gmt+10 arse will still be one of the first to read your fics. also nostos sjdufigyyjf i have to admit, i recently just found out about monster fucking and nostos scratched the itch😫 i feel bad for kohsuke though

bby i always post at like 2-4 in the morning please get some sleep!! the fics will be there in the morning lmao. i kinda low key forget about my aussie/gmt+10 followers because i think there’s like... 3 of you haha

Honestly if i could give u a dollar everytime i got off to your fics, you'd probably be rich by now

lmao the idea that people find my fics hot enough to get off to still blows my mind lol

your newest kuroo fic was so SO good!! its totally okay if you dont want to answer this so you can keep things ambiguous but is monster kuroo planning on killing the reader after he's...done with them

thank you, bby!! but no, monster kuroo isn’t gonna eat her – he’s had plenty of chances to do that if that’s what he wanted, but he has other plans for the poor reader

RHI, I WANT TO STATE FOR THE RECORD THAT I AM OKAY WITH MORE MONSTER FUCKING IN THE FUTURE. i also want to say im not a monster fucker, but that just feels like a lie at this point. okay, now that that's off my chest, i love it. the mystery, the connections of kuroo to a cat. kuroo's probably gonna go and batter around his prey once they're under his grip like my cat does. hopefully the reader will come out somewhat unscathed, if they are ever allowed to leave 😌 love this, love how different it is, the way kuroo just tries to weasel in. very monster and yandere vibes, very you. have i said i love this yet?? id willingly let him get me drunk on his cock, maybe never leave the peace of the mountains again

‘i want to say that i’m not a monster fucker’ bby the denial will get you nowhere haha. just lean in and embrace it hgfjkdlkfgjnkdl ahh but thank you this is such a sweet ask ILY!!!

Omg omg the monster thing kuroo was in ur latest fic is so familiar to me abdhdmfnjfjf. I remember being told abt a monster with VERY SIMILAR characteristics to it (aka the not being able to go inside a house unless invited and using fire to lure ppl out) AND JFC IT TERRIFIED ME. Esp how when i told ppl around me and they didnt recognize what it was, but it was somehow known to the kid that told me abt it.

(Some ppl thought it was familiar but still didnt know what it was)

Do u know what im talking abt? Hopefully u do

-🥚

GHFJDK so the monster in this is kind of based off the nekomata spirit in japanese folklore - they can appear like people, torment victims by reanimating the corpses of their loved ones, they’ve been blamed for forest fires, so it was just fun to use that as a basis and then go buck wild haha. anyway thanks for the ask bby!

Rest In Peace Kohsuke, you would’ve loved Haikyuu season 5😔✊– @joyvstheworld

poor kohsuke deserved better, i’m just mean to the oc’s i throw into fics haha

Monsterfucking ❤❤❤❤❤❤ a little annoyed you're making me simp for yan Kuroo though (a vibe tho tbh). You're so extremely talented!!!! &

This is probably a stupid question, but how did Kageyama react when he couldn't find y/n? How is life with yan Suga? I imagine probably awful BUT yknow maybe the stockholm syndrome set in fast lmao. Sorry, I'm going on a binge reading your stuff. - @oracleofdin

i will not apologise for making you simp for kuroo he deserves it the man’s a snacc. and as far as your second question, suga’s a very caring, very smothering kinda yandere, so i guess in some ways it’s better than what the reader had with kageyama but... pick your poison haha

That was so good. I’m so shook rn I can’t comprehend anything but how good that was and how good a writer you are

TYSM NONNIE!!! <33

Ok, so, I just read Final Girl and the lil' ticket addition to it and just---

Well, ok I've been playing Dead by Daylight a lot lately? And I'm just picturing Tetsu as the newest killer "The Trickster" and I'm positively RANDY.

Your writing is ALREADY thirst inducing and just as satisfying, but this has SENT ME- If you're not familiar, please...

https://youtu.be/iowkiPobYYQ

Understand my thirst. (I'd also like to clarify, I use a different skin for him that gives him black hair and he looks like Kuroo with an undercut.)

~ @the-casual-hedonist 🌸

i love how feral y’all got for final girl kuroo. like bo and akaashi had his fans, but i put a spiked bat in kuroo’s hands and y’all lost your goddamn minds and i love to see it. fghdjkvhfjdkls thanks for the ask bby

idk why but I love preggo reader as long as I don't pretend it's me 😢✋ I hate babies n pregnancy anywhere else other than horny haikyuu fics

i think that’s a valid thing for a lot of fans. the idea of breeding is sexy, the actual getting pregnant and having a kid thing... not so much. but especially with non-con scenario’s, it’s more about the aspect on control than the actual desire to have kids. but yeah, i feel you

Sorry to bother but uh was just wondering in fracture did Osamu kill his wife or was it actually an “unfortunate event” ? Love your work btw!!

he most certainly did :))

LMFAO RHI i totally get not liking cheating/infidelity fics (towards reader) bc IT HIRTS ME SO BAD I CANNOT HANDLE THOSE.

id be reading fics those fics like: tf you mean my yandere aimt gonna baby me and only want me??🤨🤨🤨⁉️‼️

EXACTLY! listen i get that it’s a fucked up fantasy, but in my fucked up fantasy you damn well better have the decency to be loyal smh

Finders keepers is the most beautiful thing I've read by you: I read it twice like I normally do and here's what I figured out the second time (that's when I analyze it and find the little tidbits of things that are much darker than they appear (: )

To start I LOVE THE DETAILS OF THEM NEVER TEACHING READER ANYTHING- at first I assumed "oh they might see her as a little sister or child or something" but realized thAT WAS THE ISSUE!! they infantilize her and isolate her from everyone but her group. the small details like that are what make the story amazing 😎💅

ahh thank you so much, nonnie!! pls this is making me soft 🥺

I just wanted to stop by and say that I love your writing and I hope you're doing well!!! Drink plenty of water and keep up the amazing work :) but seriously you're one of the best fanfic writers I've seen on tumblr! I read your "Imitation" piece about kuroo and i keep coming back to it, it's so good! I did want to ask if you think it'd be possible for the reader to ever escape with the baby (or at least attempt to). Or if Kenma would "help" at all just to put an end to kuroo's antics lmao

kenma would in no way help the reader, and tbh by that point if kuroo did get her pregnant, she’d be far too emotionally dependant on him to actually even want to leave, but thanks for the ask!

You know who I think would be a perfect Yandere in the JJK world? Choso.

🚨Spoilers Ahead🚨

After being locked in a glass jar for however long he was, and all that happened with his brothers, I feel like he would absolutely never let his darling out of his sight. He would be possessive. Obsessive. And Oh So delusional. Sure he’d be your anything - he truly is a softy - but to what end?🤤

choso would make an excellent yandere, ngl 😌

what au/troupe of your fav character(s) that you have written do you like the most?

(rlly hope this makes sense🙏)

i am always a slut for soulmate au’s :))

[weirdthoughtsandideas]

do you have any fic ideas you've had that you never mentioned to anyone so far?

I have a lot of fic ideas for lots of fandoms and idk which ones I mentioned and which ones I didn't.

For Violetta I had this idea for a Stranger Things AU once - basically I had seen someone do a ST AU for another fandom once and I got inspired, and the basic plot was that all of the main characters had magic powers in one way or another. Basically they all grew up in a lab but escaped. That, or they were in a lab as kids, but got adopted/their parents took them away from the place. I don't think I talked about this mostly because I couldn't really figure out the whole plot, so I couldn't lay it out and explain it. All I know is that it would be really edgy (since like, they are tested in labs and shit) and not as kid friendly.

Another AU I idea I had was both with Violetta and SL and it was an asoue au. Basically, in asoue there's a plot with people setting things on fire and are after other people's fortunes and when I saw SL I was like "lol this reminds me of asoue" - but I also wanted to include Violetta in that somehow, so I tried to plan it out. I think I have written about it somewhere here before but what's good about asoue is that it's VERY easy to structure AUs - it has 13 books (and if you watch the Netflix show, 2 eps per book) all with a similar formula. The characters get to a place, do stuff there, the villain arrives and fucks shit up, they escape or the villain escapes, repeat (though, it's not like that every book, just for the first few and then things go wild) And every single time there's one thing that's special for just that book, for example in one they are in a hospital where the villain kidnaps one of them and tries to perform surgery on her while her siblings have to dress up as doctors to save her. In another one they're in a boarding school. In another one they are burning down a hotel. Anyway, it's just very easy to just keep the formula but change characters.

So like I had an idea that two from Violetta and two from SL got to be foster children at Sharon's house, since she's canonically after someone's fortune and stuff, and the villain in asoue is after their fortune aswell. She does a bunch of crazy shit and the kids get relocated somewhere else - maybe with another adult from either Violetta or SL, until Sharon comes and fucks shit up again (in asoue, the villain sometimes kill the other guardians, but idk if Sharon is gonna do that. Then again, she's capable of murder so like. Why not). There's gonna be more characters that they meet on the way, especially in the boarding school where they'll probably meet a lot of other characters. I haven't thought about it fully, but I have a slight idea at least. Let's see if I'm ever gonna do something with that.

Uh - and then there's some fic ideas I have that are essentially pretty smutty, and I haven't mentioned it because, idk, some people don't wanna read that. Like I have no problem at all writing smut, in fact I am quite a sex positive person actually - though I always tone it down on the internet due to... well, not everyone wants to read everything :) But if you read some of my fics you know I can't help to slip in some dirty jokes... point is, I know that most people would be okay with it, and with smut you're always warning people beforehand so if they don't wanna read, they don't have to. But every time I have posted any chapter that's a little more "intense" or a fic that I have had to rate Mature (though I haven't always rated it M for smut, but for other reasons) I just feel nervous as heck. I have never gotten a negative comment though, since if people don't wanna read, they don't read. Also people have requested smut drabbles plenty of times so like, it's not like i'm out of touch with the subject. But yeah I have some ideas for some smuttier fics and I have just not mentioned it lol, and chances are if I ever post them I won't mention it here either and just post it and let people find it themselves lmao

[axemetaphor]

im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight” celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

[unproduciblesmackdown]

also i’ve been mulling over the “we’re Living ex machina!!!!” line and like, it still doesn’t make sense Really, but here’s my Afternoon Musings i guess

i’ve only actually seen ex machina once like 3 years ago but as i remember it goes a little something like This: some rando white-collar programmer guy has like, won a contest where the prize is to go hang out for maybe a few days or a week or so with this ~visionary genius~ tech dude played by oscar isaac at oscar isaac tech dude’s off-the-grid reclusive mansion or whatever.......i thiiiink the Protag Programmer won b/c his programming submission was Really Good but also maybe there’s a [randomly selected] element to it, or maybe we Think it was partly random selection but then learn it was actually All “yeah i chose you b/c your coding was the Best,” idk. doesn’t really matter but anyway yeah protag guy gets helicoptered in to the oscar isaac genius bro’s secret mansion 

oscar isaac soon reveals he has this advanced ai android whomst he wants the Protagonist to study / turing test, and the protagonist does that, but during one Conversation Session with this android (who is named ava i think? and designed to Look Like a Woman oo) like the lights turn off and ava-i-think informs the protagonist she’s found a Weakness in the mansion’s security system and hackt it so that the power (and thus the Security / Monitoring Systems) shut down for a minute like this but could feasibly be thought of as a glitch and anyways she’s like yeah i have feelings and thoughts and i want to Not Be Trapped here, ya gotta help me out here buddy, and then yknow ooh the systems come back on, oscar isaac can Observe them again, intrigue.....tl;dr protag and ava keep having these short secret convos and Do plan to break her out, there’s this dramatic moment where oscar isaac (who’s natch been acting weirder and more erratic as the plot unfolds) confronts the protag after the protag has just like, tried to get him blackout smashed by Hanging Out With Him lmfao and oscar isaac is like “ooh i knew you were planning to break her out, i’m gonna stop you guys though haha pwned” but then oh further twist, turns out ava and protag Knew that was the case and were thinking one step ahead and idk but yeah they break her out and oscar isaac dies but ooh further twist!!! ava locks the protag (or well, just Does Not Unlock, As Planned) in some room and leaves the mansion and gets on the Helicopter meant to take the protag back to wherever after the planned end of his stay. and the protag is just stuck there b/c everyone else is dead and presumably he dies as ava gets to exist in the outside world now, idk, we don’t need ex machina 2 where he’s escaped or smthing lmao

and i do NOT get what winston is comparing their situation to lmfao. like, oh rian is like an advanced ai android??? if anything, her being the more like ~true believer in High Finance as a means of socially beneficial effect~ vs winston like, having the supposedly cutthroat and cold Math approach would make Him more of the ~oh no more a robot than a person~ (though i think it’s Ambiguous whether we wanna judge ava as more Scary Bad or Sympathetic).........you can’t even really make the connection that “oh no we’re being deliberately Replaced!!” b/c if winston is [protag programmer rando] and rian is [ava] and wendy is, i guess oscar isaac then, uhhhh oscar isaac most definitely did Not intend to ~replace~ the protag with ava, he very much wanted her trapped in his mansion still........and the protagonist Only got “replaced” by ava in the sense that she took his place on the helicopter out of the reclusive secret mansion. i really doubt she planned to, or would even be able to, like take over his identity/life beyond that.....certainly not his job lol like, coworkers are gonna notice you’re a different person, there was no implication the androids can like oh shapeshift their appearance or whatever, and no implications about what ava even intended to do in the Outside World which is kind of bemusing b/c like, what of the Practical Questions of being an android and needing whatever Fuel Source a robot does, idk that might’ve been addressed or smthing like “oh yeah they can just Eat,” also she clearly does not Trust People considering her only company was evil oscar isaac creator and she wasn’t interested in bringing the protag along, plus yknow the fact that she Did deliberately manipulate the protag into thinking that she wanted to escape into the world With him........but not like i guess she has any choice for any other world to escape into but the one with all the people where she pretends to be an organic human

like there is just NO point of comparison where these situations line up unless you get soooooooo like broad strokes about ex machina that you’d do better to compare your experience to Anything else lmao. like, does winston think she’s some like, ideal advanced version of him?? like you might consider a crafted AI android to be?? i don’t know but i mean i think we have a more feasible explanation for why he’s so Insistent about this totally being Ex Machina, if only b/c as a straightforward comparison i swear to god it doesn’t work lmfao None of these points line up at all with any significance that’s worth insisting on

given that winston’s Apparently Canonically meant to be crushing on rian, and we have his example of ribbing her by calling her “gal gadot’s quirky sister” which is like, okay so the dunk is “you look similar to this famous a-lister who everyone thinks is pretty” and “also you’re quirky, boom” like, i think that could easily be meant as like, a Tell that winston already ~likes~ her.............aaaand it’s also somewhat ~ambiguous~ but i mean i think it’s safe to say that in Ex Machina you may understand the protag as having Fallen For the ai android lady. so maybe we can Understand this invocation of ex machina as being like “ooh person meant to replace me is Attractive but ultimately i think this Overall Situation is a bad thing i shouldn’t feel this way i resent it” like, a bit of a Reach, but honestly it’s way more of a reach to think about applying anything else about this scenario to ex machina, so i could v much believe that the thought that went behind writing this is once again, like, “okay winston’s invoking one thing on the surface level here, but simultaneously he’s already (inadvertently probably) acknowledging like oh also i have a crush on her already”

between this episode seeming to be Setup and the [winston has a Canon crush] and the fact that it probably seems like They Will Fuck A Nonzero Number Of Times or Make Out At Least But It’s Billions So, Might Get A Humorous Cut To [Postcoital] Or A Scene Where They Arrive At Work Together Short Of Breath With Messy Hair  And Hickies And Winston’s Got A Hoodie W/ “Property Of Rian” On It Until He Goes "Oh Shit Woops” And Hands It To Her And She’s Like “Oh Btw You Forgot Your Glasses.....Uh You Left Them Here On Your Desk Yesterday I Mean Of Course” And Hands Them To Him And An Unnamed Character Stands Up And Asks “Daily Poll: Who Had Sex With A Coworker Last Night” And Rian And Winston Raise Their Hands Before Going “Oh Wait” And Lowering Them With A Shake Of The Head And A Nervous Cough and i’m exaggerating but you know, the equivalent of the billions writing saying “wwinnnk” at us. i am fine with them having an unsolemn like, quasi-rivals-to-lovers (or -And-lovers) dynamic, even with it being a bit messy in like, still an overall Fun way, where yknow it doesn’t have to be peak epic romance cuz a) that’s just Always true and yet it can still be overall an okay thing even if they don’t quite get it together / mostly just trade sparks and sometimes hook up and b) idk seems like mayybe rian’s character isn’t meant to go beyond this season, so, an inherent limit there if true

i’m like Apologetic for being like “already i like their dynamic even as Romantique and it’s kinda cute and fun and i’m willing to continue to be engaged w/ this as long as the writing doesn’t completely fuck it up” lmao like, i guess i Did inadvertently give myself time to prepare for this exact eventuality b/c of wondering if this exact character would have A Thing w/ winston whenever she showed up and even if i was like “haha the character could show up Anywhere and do Anything and what are the odds, right” i was also like “hmm but i’m going to really think about it though” like, as always, didn’t think i was cassandraing that hard, but truly did do it 4x03 style where everyone else can be like “you never [made the text post or gave any indication you were thinking about “what if whoever she plays and winston have some kind of romance thing going on”]” and i can go “i only thought it but didn’t say it....doesn’t count” but well. i did think it lmao and why would i make it up.......sorry i had such a head start on Getting More Used To This Notion.......some crimes can never be forgiven.meme.......

anyways natch “intense horrible passionate” seems a little foreboding but maybe she was talking about it relative to [any Normal show] rather than the standards we’re used to on billions, where this was all but a Meet Cute, and a kind of quasi coworker rivalry where nobody’s taking it *that* deeply seriously and they also seem to mutually like each other by the end of 5x05 already so how not-amicable can it get. and re: Intense like, maybe the writing in future episodes will totally upend this, but i’d say rian and winston in 5x05, even when “clashing,” was like damn near laidback and chill. neither of them seem at all that pressed, but maybe even a sorta-playful Friendly Rivalry is more “intense” than, say, a dynamic that involves no rivalry at all. imo “Passionate” is just like, okay, so they’ll fuck or at least make out? sure. not sure what to make of “horrible” lmfao maybe again it’s addressing like “this is a lil messy and they’re kinda rivals!!!” like, certainly not an ideal start, except by billions standards it IS weirdly great. rian seeming good-naturedly amused by winston is something we didn’t get from his longtime-coworkers until like, now, sort of, and still not to the degree that anyone has smiled at him as many times as rian did in like that course of [1 min long First Scene Together] wherein also winston always gets off to a way worse start with people lmao............like everything about this seems Way Better And More Dialed Back And Grounded than usual, actually. but it’s that like, point of reference of “what’s Usual for winston and, more broadly, Billions” that maybe explains this weirdly strong language when all in 5x05 seemed chill actually

anyways like i said Sorry For Already Liking Rian/Winston This Much with my head start and all where like, i’m even tentatively looking forward to seeing where this goes, by “tentative” i also mean going [”i’ll kill you” the office.jpg] at billions where i am fully aware that maybe where this goes *is* a mess and not in like, just kind of a fun, non-melodramatic, not-treated-like-a-total-joke-but-also-not-that-big-a-deal way, where 5x05 could seem like Those Halcyon Days b/c everything from here out just devolves into an unappealing disaster.......but this is an unexpectedly solid start imo and like. even if this doesn’t become like this epic romance where they officially date and if rian does eventually depart the show by the end of the season, it can still just be Enjoyable and Fun for the characters and, god forbid, the viewers, where like, you don’t have to demand we be desperately invested with our entire life in this deadly serious heartwrenching epic romance, they can just kind of mess around and enjoy having a mutual attraction w/ this mathy rivalry and etc and it’s neither a tragedy of “the greatest love story of all time torn asunder” Or, truly god forbid,” this is a Whole Mess In A Bad Way b/c winston’s involved and ugh who could Really like him, being at all romantically entangled is an embarrassing mistake surely, ew cringe we hate him............like, cautiously optimistic in how like i always say that a Romantic Arc is just an easy/efficient way to develop both characters and it could certainly humanize winston an ounce in a show that treats him more like a walking algorithmic plot device and the thoughts of any viewers but us are limited to “winston annoying” basically........the show doesn’t seem to treat rian as a joke, so it seems possible that their mutual Romance in whatever way it unfolds could also be Not A Joke, which means winston’s part in it isn’t a joke, so that’s Some aspect of him for people to take seriously, for once..........like, the way his apparently-already-official crush played out in 5x05 *was* funny but it also didn’t seem like oh it’s a joke b/c his feelings are a total joke......it might seem that way if this *was* totally unrequited and going nowhere, but i somewhat get the sense that the interest is mutual even by the end of the ep, that didn’t strike me as a “shove off, it could Never Happen” shutdown from rian there, just like, hold off on that for rn maybe cue to rein it in a little, not just yet........anyways lmao i’m like “oh yeah i started this post about the baffling ex machina thing” but yeah the point is i think so far it’s pretty solid and i like it and am cautiously but [relative-to-billions level of Hopeful] about whatever developments we’re surely gonna get b/c it def sounds like this has Not ended with 5x05, but seriously @ billions i swear to god. yes so far the approach to winston’s crush here and even their unfolding mutual dynamique and dare i say, romantic interest, is being handled with an encouraging level of “this is Humorous but the characters / their feelings are not what’s being treated as A Total Joke or anything,” but who knows what will come next, this is billions and you can’t predict anything. fingers crossed about it all, though

[zombiequincy]

THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all had witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.

MUN NAME: Hela     AGE: 21       CONTACT: IM

CHARACTER(S): Giselle Gewelle, Yumichika Ayasegawa (inactive)

CURRENT FANDOM(S): Bleach

BLEACH FANDOM(S) YOU HAVE AN AU FOR:  I have gory Bloodborne au but that one just exists in my head on my lonesome.

MY LANGUAGE(S): English and one very specific Middle Eastern dialect.

THEMES I’M INTERESTED IN FOR RP: FANTASY / Science fiction / Horror / WESTERN / ROMANCE / Thriller / MYSTERY / DYSTOPIA / ADVENTURE / MODERN / Erotic / Crime / MYTHOLOGY / Classic / HISTORY / RENAISSANCE / MEDIEVAL / Ancient / WAR / FAMILY / POLITICS / RELIGION / SCHOOL / ADULTHOOD / CHILDHOOD / APOCALYPTIC / GODS / Sport / MUSIC / Science / FIGHTS / ANGST / Smut / DRAMA / etc. 

PREFERRED THREAD LENGTH: one-liner / 1 para / 2 PARA / 3+ / NOVELLA.

ASKS CAN BE SEND BY: MUTUALS / NON-MUTUALS / PERSONALS / ANONS.

CAN ASKS BE CONTINUED?:   YES / NO    only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO.

PREFERRED THREAD TYPE: CRACK / casual nothing too deep / SERIOUS / DEEP AS HECK. (i love it all sorry I am quite the mixed bag lmao)

IS REALISM / RESEARCH IMPORTANT FOR YOU IN CERTAIN THEMES?:   YES / NO. i gotta know what certain human body parts taste like u know

ARE YOU ATM OPEN FOR NEW PLOTS?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.

DO YOU HANDLE YOUR DRAFT / ASK - COUNT WELL?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. it’s SO BAD FOR ME RN ASGLDKJDJKA i’m very inconsistent i’m so sorry.

HOW LONG DO YOU USUALLY TAKE TO REPLY?: 24H / 1 WEEK / 2 WEEKS / 3+ / months / years. / a lot of it has more to do w my general writing mood and if the thread im writing catches my interest, and rn im writing a TON of really wonderful and fascinating threads so they’re all super captivating for me and i try to reply asap

I’M OKAY WITH INTERACTING: ORIGINAL CHARACTERS / a relative of my character (an oc) / duplicates / MY FANDOM / CROSSOVERS / MULTI-MUSES / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / CANON-DIVERGENT PORTRAYALS / AU-VERSIONS.

DO YOU POST MORE IC OR OOC?: IC / OOC. (i have a lot of stupid shit sorry) 

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WITH FOLLOWING OTHERS?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

BEST WAYS TO APPROACH YOU FOR RP/PLOTTING: just send me a tumblr instant message, i know it sucks shit but im not comfy releasing my discord w everyone just yet cause i use it for personal use as well. i check tumblr on the daily so if you send me a message chances are i’ll see it and respond!

WHAT EXPECTATIONS DO YOU HOLD TOWARDS YOUR PLOTTING PARTNER:  i guess just be able to put up with my rambling and stopping and starting, a lot of characterisation choices i do go through various stages and its pretty messy so when i communicate that with others it usually ends up equally messy. just be patient with me please.

WHEN YOU NOTICE THE PLOTTING IS RATHER ONE-SIDED, WHAT DO YOU DO?:  i don’t mind! sometimes ppl have more ideas that they want to share first and i’m always super happy to listen to those ideas !! sometimes its nice to have someone with a clear guide or structure and be able to work around that rather than trying to fumble through a plot together.

HOW DO YOU USUALLY PLOT WITH OTHERS, DO YOU GIVE INPUT OR LEAVE MOST WORK TOWARDS YOUR PARTNER?:  i try to map out some basic info abt their characters that i otherwise don’t know from their bio or verses and try to pick out points of confrontation or similarities to expand on with giselle that can be used as points for like a starter to happen. its either that or sometimes i have really stupid ideas i just toss out there like ‘LMAO THEYRE BREAKING SHIT AT DISNEYLAND’ and go buck wild from there if the other person is down. i also always try to warn people or get a gauge for what subjects to avoid and steer clear of considering that giselle is a bit of a Freak(tm) and will say and do bad things.

WHEN A PARTNER DROPS THE THREAD, DO YOU WISH TO KNOW?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?: if there’s something giselle did or said that upset you, i would love to know not to repeat it again (since i do still feel pretty new to the rp game, theres still plenty of time for me to make stupid mistakes). if its just a general lack of interest or uncertainty of where the plot should go, then you dont have to tell me i wont take it personally i promise ! 

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY LEAD YOU TO DROP A THREAD?: sometimes i can be made uncomfortable by certain things mentioned... it happens but its rare 

- WILL YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. i don’t want to upset anyone personally and sometimes explaining the ins and outs of my discomfort make things ten times worse so i just. would rather not.

IS COMMUNICATION IN THE RPC IMPORTANT TO YOU? YES / NO.

- AND WHY?: i am the most nervous person you can meet and my brain is always giving me misinfo abt paranoia and random shit so i having clear concrete communication between two parties abt if something is going wrong or is being received poorly means the world to me.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH ABSOLUTE HONESTY, EVEN IF IT MAY MEANS HEARING SOMETHING NEGA1TIVE ABOUT YOU AND/OR PORTRAYAL?: i need it !! i still feel relatively new to all this and i need to know whats going wrong to improve !! 

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE SUCH SITUATION IN A MATURE WAY? YES / NO.

WHY DO YOU RP AGAIN, IS THERE A GOAL?: to help with my confidence in writing! i have v bad anxiety when it comes to sharing my works and i write a lot of other pieces alongside this blog on ao3 and i want to develop my writing skills just in general. when it comes to like the nuts and bolts of why i rp giselle specifically, its mainly to just have fun and have a laugh w my friends who are really awesome quincy writers

WISHLIST, BE IT PLOTS OR SCENARIOS:  OH SO MANY! ive managed to fulfil a lot of my wishlist threads with like, giselle talking to characters she’s already zombified and i love all that angst but i want to do more stupid shit. i want to make it my personal goal to bully every quincy man and woman on sight. although a REAL dream would be if i got to write a thread zombifying a character who managed to escape giselle’s clutches. and more fighting! i want to get better at describing action and fights and i love to write giselle getting beat up and beating people up! more more more!! 

THEMES I WON’T EVER RP / EXPLORE:   hohoho theres a LOT... uh r*pe/dubcon threads for one, even if yeah i know writing it doesnt condone it, it makes me intensely uncomfortable to put my muse in that scenario, i feel like i have an obligation to like, protect her from that shit you know? racism is one i don’t want to transgress, even though i’m a poc, its not really cathartic or groundbreaking to write abt racism in threads its just... really fucking upsetting. also i know the quincy’s have this very close parallel to the whole n*zi imagery and ideology thing going on and i am not about to start even daring to thread that into my writing or bring those allusions and references of real life tragedies into giselle’s threads. i’ve already talked at length abt exploring giselles trans identity in rp and why im not comfortable doing so, so.... yeah! all those i guess.

WHAT TYPE OF STARTERS DO YOU PREFER / DISLIKE, CAN’T WORK WITH?: i like starters where giselle can just immediately get right into being a piece of shit. mise en scene and all that! cut out the build up and just get to the intense horror !! i don’t like starters where its not immediately clear where the characters are standing and what they’re doing and what’s happening around them. those really disorientate me and leave me kinda floundering because i always need some allusion or mention of a setting to ground giselle in a time and place other wise i cant tell what her response should be

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE MOST?:  EVIL WOMEN EVIL WOMEN EVIL WOMEN. also just characters i can wholeheartedly clown on, or also characters who have hidden depths to them and have a single panel of screentime. honestly it’s just all over the place!

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE LEAST?:  angry old men GSADJDKSJA i could never rp yhwach for example or yamamoto because idk. theyre just so crummy and boring to me. i also couldnt rp characters who always have an upper hand in battle like aizen. i like my dumbasses and i like them stupid and adaptive not just, ‘yes i know this because i Know this.’

WHAT ARE YOUR STRONG ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: i think im nice...? FKSJDKDJSA idk i hate trying to toot my own horn. sometimes i also think i make funny jokes and im pretty chill and laid back

WHAT ARE YOUR WEAK ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: my writing style is inconsistent and adapts to whatever i’m reading so sometimes it’ll be really good and i love it and other times it reads like really bad fanfic and i get carried away far too easily and write novella lengths for threads which should be much shorter. i also get shy a lot and dont think i communicate very effectively but HEYO we’re working on it!

DO YOU RP SMUT?:  YES / NO/ DEPENDS. haven’t had anybody brave enough to try yet lol

DO YOU PREFER TO GO INTO DETAIL?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH BLACK CURTAIN?: YES / NO.

- WHEN DO YOU RP SMUT? MORE OUT OF FUN OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?: more for fun i’d imagine because that’s just giselles own attitude to sex and relationships where she doesnt want anything deep. it might show character development in one way of just showing how she regards others in a romantic sense to be used rather than actually appreciated as their own person and show how selfish she is but yeah, more out of fun

- ANYTHING YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO RP THERE?:  theres a few kinks and such but i dont think they’d ever really come up. again, just mainly no r*pe/dubcon.

ARE SHIPS IMPORTANT TO YOU?:   YES / NO lets hope this doesn’t make me sound like an asshole, but its more like a fun little side thing than anything important to giselle’s actual development and characterisation. 

WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BLOG IS SHIP-FOCUSED?: YES / NO. again, hardly anyone is brave enough to try to romance this evil cannibal.

DO YOU USE READ MORE?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES WHEN I WRITE LONG STUFF.

ARE YOU:  MULTI-SHIP / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship  —  MULTIVERSE / Singleverse.

- WHAT DO YOU LOVE TO EXPLORE THE MOST IN YOUR SHIPS?: more how giselle likes to give over her power or dominate in different circumstances depending on who she’s with and what’s being done. BUT AGAIN, not a whole lot to explore yet.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS?: YES / NO. - i mean im down for p much anything if it vibes w giselle.

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- WHAT COULD POSSIBLY MAKE YOUR MUSE INTERESTING TOWARDS OTHERS, WHY SHOULD THEY RP WITH THIS PARTICULAR CHARACTER OF YOURS NOW, WHAT POSSIBLE PLOTS DO THEY OFFER?: if you want an evil woman to taunt and mock and hurt your muse, she’s your gal. you want her to zombify and ruin your muse, shes also your gal. you want her to insult and maim and injure, she’s also YOUR GAL. basically, if you want to do anything fucked up or sad or scary, she can help with that.

- WITH WHAT TYPE OF MUSES DO YOU USUALLY STRUGGLE TO RP WITH?:  uh muses who get really angry quickly or don’t rise or respond to her jabs and are just kinda like a flatline. theres only so much pestering and annoying she can do until realises its not working and just wanders off

- WHAT DO THEY DESIRE, IS THEIR GOAL?:  to find a goal worth living for.

- WHAT CATCHES THEIR INTEREST FIRST WHEN MEETING SOMEONE NEW?:  appearance she always takes an interest in girls almost right away. age as well because she judges old people. 

- WHAT DO THEY VALUE IN A PERSON?:  a good set of guts to ruin and strong muscles.

- WHAT THEMES DO THEY LIKE TALKING ABOUT?:  women, gore, murder, herself, music, stupid memes, gossip.

- WHICH THEMES BORE THEM?:  politics, history, quincy ideology, soul reaper ideology, hollow physiology.

- DID THEY EVER WENT THROUGH SOMETHING TRAUMATIC?:  her family tried to force the burden of upholding the quincy lineage onto her shoulders, she was thrown into the wrong prison and held in isolation, then pressured to become an undying monster in service of a god and then was nearly killed by that same man and left wandering without guidance or purpose. so, yeah?

- WHAT COULD LEAD TO AN INSTANT KILL?:  transphobia. even a whiff of it in her direction and she’ll gut you like a fish.

- IS THERE SOMEONE /-THING THEY HATE?:  the twink soul reaper who outted her.

IS YOUR MUSE EASY TO APPROACH?: YES / NO. - Best ways to approach them?:  if you’re smart, you’ll bring a big bone for her to chew on and distract her while you ask whatever you want.

SOMETHING YOU MAY STILL WANT TO POINT OUT ABOUT YOUR MUSE?: i love my evil queen!

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

Tagged by:  @bazzardburner​ cheers chicken boy !!

Tagging: @hyouketsu​ @blooming5th​ @viciousvizard​ @glacies-tempestatem​ and whoever else wishes to do this!!

[finn-nelson-for-the-win]

The Good Life: Chapter 10

Hello, my lovelies! This chapter is kind of short and long overdue, so I apologize for that. The next chapter should be posted back on schedule with my previous posting (Friday or Saturday) but this chapter is just a small filler to get things caught up with where I wanted them to be.

Need to get caught up? The Good Life: Ch1, Ch2, Ch3, Ch4 , Ch5, Ch6, Ch7, Ch8 , Ch9

If you want to be added (or  removed) from the tags list for this story, just feel free to let me know!

@pink-royaute @believethaticanandiwill @milllott @likeashootingstarfades @i-dream-of-emus @eveerez @saintsisterwriter

The Good Life: Chapter 10

As Finn unlocked the front door of their apartment and set his keys down on the shelf nearest to where he stood, he was surprised to see that Rae’s keys were already hanging on the hook that she uses.

“Hey, Rae, is that you?” Finn called out as he shrugged off his leather jacket and sat down on the couch to loosen the laces of his boots so he could take them off.

When there was no reply, Finn walked down the hallway towards his bedroom to put away his shoes but stopped in his tracks when he heard a noise coming from behind the closed door across from his room—Rae’s bedroom.

“Uh, Rae are you in there? Did you come home early from work or something..?”

A grunt followed by a muffled string of curses stopped Finn in his tracks as he was walking towards Rae’s door to knock on it.

“Ugh, fuck. Can you please get your tongue out of my ear,” Rae complained after a surprised giggle.

Finn’s eyebrows shot up and he turned around away from Rae’s door in a single motion and walked into his bedroom to avoid overhearing anymore of whatever was going on inside Rae’s room.

“Don’t climb on top of me like that! You’re hurting me! Stop it,” Rae groaned and there was the sound of shuffling and something falling to the ground loudly.

“Uh, Rae? It’s Finn. Are you alright in there? If you don’t respond I’m going to come in there to check on you and make sure you’re alright!” Finn called through the closed door of her bedroom, one hand resting on the handle of her door in case he had to go inside.

“Oh shit,” Rae muttered, “Hey, Finn! I’m alright, I promise. Just...uh, give me a second. Don’t come in yet, though. Please!”

“Uh, alright…” Finn replied hesitantly as he waited outside Rae’s door as he continued to hear shuffling sounds and muted grunts coming from her room.

A door inside Rae’s bedroom clicked shut quietly and a few moments later a visibly flushed Rae opened the door of her bedroom, giving Finn a sheepish smile.

“So...about that,” Rae began with a nervous chuckle.

“No need to explain! I didn’t mean to interrupt anything, I just wanted to make sure that you were alright because I heard things falling and you, uh, grunting...a lot,” Finn mumbled before stopping himself from saying anything more as a blush crept into his cheeks.

“Oh! Oh, yeah, I know how that must have sounded, but I promise it’s not at all what you think.” Rae assured him when the implications of what he had said sunk in.

“Okay,” Finn said with a nod.

“Follow me, I have something to show you,” Rae said as she stepped further into her bedroom and beckoned for Finn to follow her.

She led them to the closed door that separates her bedroom from the ensuite bathroom and stopped with her back against the door and one handle on the handle of the door.

“Now before I open this door,” Rae began, “I want you to promise me that you won’t get mad.”

“Erm, alright,”

“And that you won’t freak out.”

“I won’t get mad and I’ll try not to freak out, I promise, but you’re really making me nervous right now, girl!” Finn said with a hesitant chuckle.

“Alright, here goes nothing,” Rae sighed as she opened the door slowly.

As soon as the door opened, a light brown dog ran out of the bathroom and began excitedly jumping up at Finn and pawing at the leg of his jeans.

“Surprise!” Rae said with a laugh as Finn stood still in shock at the dog that had given up jumping on Finn and was instead running clumsy circles around him.

“You got a dog?” Finn finally said as he sat down at the foot of Rae’s bed and pulled the excited dog onto his lap to give it the attention that it wanted.

“Kind of,” Rae replied with a chuckle as she gently scratched behind one of the dog’s ears, “one of my coworkers, Anna, is out of town for a family emergency and needed someone to watch her new puppy while she’s gone.”

“And you volunteered?”

“Well she asked me first because she said she trusted me, but the puppy is still too young to go to a kennel or to be left alone while she’s gone.”

“Ah, I see,”

“You’re not mad, are you?”

“Mad? Why would I be mad?”

“I dunno. I didn’t ask you prior to agreeing to watch him.”

“It’s a surprise, definitely, but not a bad one. I like dogs,” Finn replied with a smile as he leaned forward to give the puppy a kiss on top of it’s head, “Does this little guy have a name?”

“Oh, yeah, of course. His name is Rocky!”

“That’s a good name, it suits him!”

“I wanted to be able to break the news to you a bit more smoothly, but I forgot that today is your early day getting home from work.”

“Yeah, I knew something was up when I saw your car in the parking lot out front, but I didn’t think that it was gonna be a puppy!”

“I didn’t know Anna was going to be leaving today when I first volunteered, but she went home to grab Rocky on her lunch break and brought him into the office until I was able to get permission to leave work early.”

“How long did you say that we were going to be watching him for again?”

“A little over a week. Until next Saturday, based on what Anna told me,”

“Alright. This is going to be fun, I think.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I think so! I’ve always wanted a puppy and I think it might be fun to coparent this puppy with you, even if it is only for a week or two,” Finn replied with a smile as he placed the puppy into Rae’s open arms and stood up from her bed.

“Who knows, this just might show us that we’re capable of getting a pet together.” Rae added with a smile.

“Perhaps. Since we’re both here now, we can take Rocky here on a little car ride to buy some puppy supplies and maybe we can go to the dog park downtown so he can run off some of this energy. What do you two say?” Finn suggested.

“Sounds good to me! Just give me a few minutes to get Rocky’s leash and then we can head out!”

When they were ready to head out, Finn climbed into his truck and unlocked the passenger door while Rae lifted Rocky into the truck before climbing into her seat.

Rocky walked across the front seat of Finn’s truck, sniffing everything and trying to investigate this unfamiliar place, before settling down on top of a forgotten flannel shirt that Finn had left in the center seat of his truck.

“Rocky! Get off of there, you’re gonna make Finn’s shirt smell like puppy!” Rae chided lightly as she tried to convince the puppy that had curled into a ball on the shirt and was beginning to doze off to move.

“Don’t worry about it, Rae,” Finn replied with a smile, “I don’t mind if he wants to snuggle with my flannel. At least he has good taste!”

Rae chuckled as she saw Rocky stretch his head to lick Finn’s hand that was nearest to him before Finn began pulled out of the parking space and began to drive.

A/N: So I got the idea to write this story because I feel like getting a pet is an important step in relationships between roommates and in romantic relationships as well, so it might be fun if Rae and Finn get to be cute and take care of a puppy together.

My inspiration for Rocky was my own puppy, Pudge, but Rocky is younger and smaller than my 5month old puppy is now. In case you haven’t seen my baby girl, here she is!

This is just a filler chapter, really, but I thought it could be cute and I wanted to get something posted and this is what I had planned out in my list of chapters that have been mapped out.

I tend to do each chapter as only a single scene for this fic, rather than hopping from one event to another within the same chapter, and the next chapter is shaping up to be a long one, so I’m not sure if I’ll want to break it up more or how I’ll want to do that...idk we’ll just have to wait and see.

Anyways, until next time (which HOPEFULLY won’t be in 2 weeks lol): Stay awesome, my friends!

[aquarianlights]

Hi, I am OP! 🙋🏼

It has been, uhhhhh........ idk how many years since I posted this but it has been quite a while & I am still getting notifications for this & this post has been shared on random insta's & fb & all over the place & idky lol. 😅

I guess I just wanted to update or smth idk.

I have legally changed my name to Killian Roswell. I sometimes go by my middle name of Quincy. I no longer go by Riley. 💁🏼

PPH actually ended up turning me down for HRT, like many other dr's & places before & after them would. But they still gave me a lot of info that I didn't have before about the process.

It took me years to find a doctor who would agree to do HRT with me.

Hilariously enough, I had been fighting for HRT for so long & getting turned down by so many people that when my current PCP finally said "Yeah, we can start today if you want!" without any fighting from me, I was suddenly scared out of my mind to start & told her I was gonna have to think about it.

I ended up taking ~1 1/2 years to think about it. She would remind me every few appointments: "HRT is still on the table whenever you're ready! 🥰"

I finally got the courage & thought I was ready & my PCP wrote the script for testosterone. I was actually very excited, but also nervous asf, inwardly.

I ended up taking my first shot that night & had the worst panic attack of my life. Mind you, I take preventative meds for panic & anxiety attacks, as I have panic disorder, but I hadn't had a legitimate panic attack OR anxiety attack in YEARS thanks to my meds. I thought I was gonna die, fr fr. 😩

I ended up texting a bunch of friends & calling one of my platonic soul mate's that very night. I texted trans friends who already take HRT, specifically testosterone, to see if they had ever had such a viscerally negative & fearful reaction in the beginning. I talked to my doctor & therapist later. Talked to my mom, who...wasn't too thrilled I was doing it to begin with, so probably wasn't the best idea haha. She supports my being trans, but she isn't too keen on the physical transition part.

In the end, after that one shot, I decided if I wasn't 100% sure that this was what I wanted, I better not do it till I am 100% sure, as there are some changes you cannot reverse after a certain point & idk if I could live with them if I wanted to go back for whatever reason.

So, as of rn, I took one shot of T & haven't gone back.

Will I ever be 100% sure? Idk. Maybe not. 🤷🏼

But anyways...

PPH did turn me down for HRT. And they turned me down v respectfully & did so with the utmost care & even gave me alternative places to try in the area.

Albeit they turned me down, I still support them 200%. PPH is an amazing organization for SO many reasons & I am glad I got to experience the amazing treatment I did from them.

So uh... there's your update, since this post is a fossil & was written when I was an entirely different person haha. 😅

-OP

Planned Parenthood is fucking amazing, y’all. I haven’t been there yet…but just talking to their HRT line on the phone…

They used my respected name right off the bat. Called me Riley all the way through. Used he/him pronouns. Didn’t slip up once. Asked me and “What’s your legal name? I’m sorry I have to ask that.”

Then asked me “Now is it okay if I send things with Riley Roswell to your home?” not wanting to out me accidentally and then “Is it okay if I send stuff with planned parenthood labels on them or do you want me to be discreet about it?” knowing there are people who could get in trouble with family or partners or others for going there.

OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO CRY AND THEY DIDN’T JUDGE ME AT ALL

THEY WERE TOTALLY ACCEPTING AND ANSWERED ALL MY STUPID FUCKING BASIC QUESTIONS ABOUT HRT ABOUT WHAT THE APPT WAS GONNA BE LIKE

AND SHE WAS SO KIND AND SO UNDERSTANDING

AND SHE RESPECTED ME SO MUCH AND I WAS SO HAPPY

I CAN’T BELIEVE PEOPLE LIKE THAT EXIST IN OUR WORLD.

OH MY GOD.

AND I’M GOING TO BE GOING TO THIS WONDERFUL PLACE ON THE 29TH!!!!!!!!

[engagedtobefree]

Phase 2: The First Conversation

Well, it happened. Definitely not the way I had pictured it, but it happened. If you ever have an embarrassing moment, don’t you fret. Just come back to this post and I can guarantee you will feel so much better about yourself. I wrote these every day of the week, so they are my thoughts exactly for that day. I’m already tired of waiting till the weekend and writing out the whole week at once lol. I wanted to leave them as-is so they’re my true thoughts..

Monday - So i got to say both hi and bye to Scott on Monday. I know i sound like the biggest dork but hey, whatever, progress is progress. I had some anxiety all day, which I think was an aftereffect from my other job on Sunday, which was just a rough day and I ended up staying an hour and a half late. I’m also doing a coffee detox, so I’m sure that’s effecting me somehow (besides me being really fucking tired). 

So first “interaction” is I have to send an email, and one of the group emails I have to CC has Scott in it. I’m pretty sure this is the first email he’s ever received from me, but it’s not directly to him. Within the hour he sends an email out that has my group email CC’d. I’m pretty sure that’s also the first email I received ever from him. I stare adoringly at his bad punctuation and grammar several times throughout the day.

Before I get ready to leave work, I always use the bathroom. When I round the corner, Scott is coming out of the men’s room. He’s chewing on his coffee stirrer as usual and he has a little smirk and says, “Hey, Dana, what’s up?” and I reply softly, “Hey, Scott”. He is looking at me and makes eye contact. I look back at him and make eye contact for a split second but I get really nervous around him sometimes, so I break it off. I cannot explain how badly I want to just have a freaking conversation with him. I honestly do feel like a freaking 12 year old girl who can’t talk to her crush. Idk wtf is wrong with me lol. I’m generally usually at ease around guys and can talk to anyone who I have an interest in. But with Scott I go back and forth between nervous/shy and incredibly confident. Like, no in between. And I’m always wondering who is going to make the first move and how we’re ever gonna get into a conversation. Like he seems super easygoing, but he seems to get nervous around me too sometimes, but I really just want him to come up and talk to me about literally anything. He could tell me he had cheerios for breakfast and guaranteed I will take that and run a fucking mile with it.

So when I leave, I put my stuff in the car and get in and start it, but because it’s sleeting outside, ice is stuck to my windows, and the windshield wipers aren’t helping. I didn’t warm my car up so I get out to scrape the ice. As I’m halfway done the back window, someone comes out of the door. It takes me a second to look up, but when I do, it’s Scott and he’s looking at me. I wave and say, “Bye, Scott.” to which he just waves back, but doesn’t say anything. I continue scraping but then look back over at him with a little smile, and he’s still watching me and moving very slowly to get in his car. When I’m done, I open my car door and glance back at his, and then get in. As I pull out, he does so only a second or two after me. He trails behind me a bit though all the way to the highway, and I wonder if he’s just driving safe or doing it because he doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable. Or maybe he’s uncomfortable. Say what?? Hi, anxiety. I begin to wonder if I freaked him out, like if he thought I was waiting till he came out or something. I genuinely had to clean the ice off of my car, and any other time his car is already started yet I still leave. But of course my mind races like crazy. I had anxiety in general all day, like sometimes it gets so bad at work that I think I’m going to get fired for absolutely no reason. I will literally just start to think that, even though I have been told several times how well I’m doing and how happy they are to have me there. I cannot even explain how hard I work at controlling my anxiety and making it better through practicing daily healthy habits, but still it persists. It makes me want to bang my head against the wall and cry sometimes. 

Tuesday - So Monday I made a promise to myself to try and not run into Scott or even look at him for 2 days. I know that it can’t always be helped, but I was not going to walk past his office and I was going to leave work exactly on time, this way I wouldn’t cross paths with him. So I was also hoping I wouldn’t have to go into the warehouse at all either. But then later on Monday night, I kept thinking how I just want him to fucking talk to me already. I want to be sure i can look at him and hold eye contact and not second guess his mixed ass signals. 

So Tuesday, I go over to the printer and who is just walking in but Scott. I smile big at him and say “Hey, Scott.” and add on “How are you doing?”, which we both say at pretty much the same time. I stand in my cubicle doorway and turn, but he’s already walking toward his office 

So 5 -10 minutes later I go and make some tea, and in those minutes Scott apparently went to the men’s room. He walks by me with a little smirk and we sideways glance at each other. He’s so close to me and I’m glad I wore my best perfume today (Gorgeous by Victoria’s Secret).

Later in the day I take an order to the warehouse, and on the way back I glance in Scott’s office, but he’s busy looking at something. About half an hour later I take another order out, and when I come back in i take my chance and look at Scott with a little smile. He’s turned around and facing the doorway and laughing, but all 3 guys are looking at me as I walk in, not just Scott. I quickly look away and am so embarrassed. I don’t want Chris or Steve to know I’m interested in Scott, and I’m hoping they were blissfully oblivious to my intentions. I wonder if Scott was facing the door on purpose though, cuz when I first walked past their office it was quiet, and I was only in the warehouse literally 2 minutes. It’s a possibility he saw me enter. But it’s maybe only the second time I’ve seen him smile with his teeth and it was so cute. 

As I leave for the day, Scott is already in his car. I just give a little wave and he waves back. I left a minute late, and I’m kicking myself for it. He must have left EXACTLY at 4:45. If yesterday I made a pact with myself to not do anything (fail) and to leave on time (fail) and then to do something (sorta succeed), today I make a pact to leave exactly on time every single day going forward. And to also walk super slow and take my good ol’ time getting in my car. Since Scott comes in last, he leaves last; Chris and Steve leave before 4:45. I need to take full advantage of Scott being the last to leave. All I freaking want is to leave and for him to be right behind me and then stop me for a conversation. I can only take these “hey, what’s up"s and giving each other the eye for so long (3 weeks, apparently - I’m not very patient lol). I am so ready to just talk to the damn guy and flirt with him and go on a date (or 2 or 3 or 4 etc if all goes well).

Oh, and I was behind him the whole time on the highway. I was in the left lane first, but then he got over in the left lane too. I tried to keep a healthy distance between us, but no car got in front of me the whole time before I had to get off my exit. I don’t know if he noticed me behind him lol.

Wednesday/Today - So in the morning I’m over at the printer again, and surprise again Scott is behind me! He says “Hey, Dana”, but is just looking around everywhere but at me. I say “Hey, Scott”, but it gets stuck in my throat and I have to cough afterwards.

This man, ugh. He literally stared me down Monday as he was leaving, but then other times he just doesn’t look at me at all. I guess I’m pretty much the same way though lol. I start to wonder if Monday maybe he was thinking about coming over and talking to me. But then my thoughts kind of shift and I start to think maybe he doesn’t have an interest in me, that I’m just some younger girl giving him attention. Heyo, look who’s about to be proven wrong.

So I’m at Joyce’s cubicle talking, and I turn around to Scott at the coffee machine. This is it, I think. Sure enough, it is. We greet each other, and this time, instead of leaving it at “what’s up?” he turns his whole body toward me, ready for a conversation. I literally could not believe it was happening. I stand nervously in my cubicle doorway, beaming from literally every pore in my body because I am so elated. I ask him how his day’s going and he tells me it’s okay, just another day. I asked “Are you guys busy?” and he says “It’s on and off, ya know, it comes in spurts.” And I say “Yeah, that’s how this whole week has been for me”. He casually says “yeah, it’s only Wednesday though” and what do I say?? WHAT DO I SAY???? I’ll tell you what I said. I said “Well, I guess that’s why they call it humpday, it’s the hump to get over in the week haha”. Of all the freaking things I could have said, that is what came out of my mouth. His expression doesn’t change, but oh wow, does the flame of embarrassment come to life in my body. As I do when I get nervous, I keep talking. So I say “Uh, what time is it anyway, 2:00?”. I turn to look at my computer, as if I can actually see the tiny time in the corner from 5 feet away, and then I spin back around. Basically, I spin in a full circle. Good job, Dana. He had been looking at me, but then looks at his watch. I think afterwards I should have complimented his watch, but I was also not close enough to really mean it lol. He says “yeah, it’s 5 of”. I say something after this, but I honestly cannot tell you what I say because at this point the fire of embarrassment inside of me is more like an inferno. I can feel my heart rate has gone way up, and I am getting clammy. I’m pretty much borderline panic attack right now lol. My brain is screaming at me. I go into my cubicle and he turns back to the coffee machine.

If you thought the fun stopped there, think again, my friend. So I go into the cubicle with the filing boxes, and this damned chair is in the way. There had been 2, and I moved the other one previously, which Scott saw. So I’m rolling this other one out and I’m right where Scott is, and I stop to let this guy Dan go by. (Completely unrelated, but Dan and I are the only vegetarians here and our names are one letter off. I find this funny. Okay, continue.) I tell Dan to go by me and I say “I moved this chair out like 2 weeks ago, and someone keeps putting it back in there”. It’s not the whole truth, but hey, Scott is smiling, and not just his normal closed-mouth smile, but showing teeth. He’s still facing the coffee machine, but oh, it makes me so happy I put a smile on his face. So this part, this was good. The next part, ughh. So, I’m going through the filing boxes, and I take a bunch down, but then I realize, there is no way I’m going to be able to stack them back up. I hurt my back over a month ago and still have not been able to heal it, despite a long period of rest. It’s back to hurting pretty bad again, and I know that I really shouldn’t lift anything too heavy. I can stack the boxes one on top of the other still, but stacking them up 4 high is definitely not realistic. When it comes time, I enter Scott’s office. Keep in mind I am still in panic mode, at least 45 minutes later (thanks, anxiety). I’m in the doorway, asking if I can have help lifting the boxes since I hurt my back. Scott and Steve are in the office, and I’m trying to look at Scott, but don’t want to make it obvious, so I have to look at Steve too. I sound awkward af and I keep pulling my lips in. Scott and Steve keep looking awkwardly at each other, like “okay, who’s gonna get up and help her”. Scott sort of starts to get up, but Steve is right next to the door, so he gets up. Scott almost sits back down, but then follows Steve.

So Steve is unclear as to which boxes he needs to be lifting and where. In his defense there are a lot of boxes, but I feel it’s pretty obvious the ones in the hallway have to be moved lol. I turn red trying to point it out to him because Scott is right there, and as Steve goes to finally pick up a box Scott goes for it too and says “Here, you need help, dude?”, just joking with him. It was only 2 boxes, so Steve moves both, but then Scott says afterwards, “You got it?” and Steve tells him to shut up. Steve says to me”If you ever need help, just ask us” and I say “Thanks. Yeah, I was able to take them down, but I couldn’t lift them back up that high.” I was disappointed I couldn’t just get Scott, and I hope he doesn’t think I was playing damsel in distress, because I honestly wasn’t. He walks in and out of his office like twice and when I look at him, he’s not looking at me but he’s smirking. I have no idea how any of our interactions came off to him. 

As I leave for the day, I leave at exactly 4:45, and I walk so slowly that it disgusts me (I am high-energy on the go at pretty much all times). I pause for a few seconds before slowly pushing open the one door. Then I painfully make my way just as slowly to my car, put my bags in, and wait. Dan comes walking out, but no Scott. I close my door, and start to put my gloves on (I always do this after I’m outside for some reason). Scott then comes out as I’m putting on my second glove. I look up and say “Bye, Scott!”. All he gives me is a quick glance and a “See ya”. I feel disheartened. I read into every little thing, and he always, always, ALWAYS says my name. Even though Monday he didn’t say anything and just waved, but shit, I’d rather have that. I look at him as he’s at his car, but he doesn’t look up at all. Dan pulls out, then me, then maybe 15 seconds behind me, Scott.

So my thoughts on today are very mixed. Now with some perspective, what I said was probably not damaging enough for Scott to lose interest. at least, that’s what I’m hoping. He had a little smile on his face the whole time we talked, and he looked a little nervous too. Also, we made eye contact, which was awesome, even though there was like 8 feet in between us. I made him smile too, so bonus points. He also kept lingering at the coffee machine and was stocking it, which no one does except Joyce. He stocked it with the tea I love, since I drank it all since I’m doing my coffee detox lol. I could have restocked it myself, but meh. I’m hoping he’s not put-off by the small talk, as everyone has to start somewhere. I can only hope he found my embarrassing self cute and endearing, and not off-putting. I am also hoping that this is what has finally broke the ice. I’m hoping now that when I see him I can now initiate conversation. Here’s to hoping. Also, still hoping we cross paths outside. It would be nice if he would just ask me out so that we could get to know each other that way. It’s so hard finding something to talk about at work since we don’t have any reason to interact. I could always ask him his weekend plans or how his weekend was, but that would specifically require me to talk to him on a Monday or Friday, which is no guarantee. I’m so happy he initiated talking to me, as it means he does truly have (or had LOL) an interest in me. It also means he was ready to go beyond the “hey what’s up”s as well, which I never would have guessed, because it seemed like he was okay with staying there. I hope he surprises me some more and talks to me again. :) We shall see. I’m still someowhat embarrassed and have no idea what he thinks, but there’s always tomorrow and Friday for me to try again. And then even days after those too. Here’s to me hopefully redeeming myself.

[justalittlemango]

Entry #16 - 21/01/2020

Well, it’s safe to say returning back to Cheltenham and the whole dorm life has been fairly bittersweet! I guess I adapted very well when I was back home (and I mean, who wouldn’t when you are blessed enough to not worry about money for that period, and great parents who are willing to help you out as much as possible!) It was quite sad on the final day of coming back here with my dad dropping me off, but at the same time it feels quite nice. Nice to have my privacy back, my own bathroom schedule and be able to use my gaming PC again!

It’s currently 6am as I write this, sadly my sleep got interrupted by a phone notification, turns out a friend was spamming me on Steam so now I am awake. The power of the internet right there folks, being able to wake someone up from thousands of miles away. However, I am not too fussed. My semester starts again today, and my lecture is at 11:15 so it’s not all too bad.

Initially I was kind of freaking out, predominantly due to the fact that my first lecture this week involves group-based work... and I guess I’m not really satisfied with the input that I had put in before Xmas for the group, but oh well. I am hopefully willing to change that with this next lecture coming up.

I want to try and get some organisation into the group. Sort out roles for each group member so we know what we’re doing and contribute more ideas together. I think before Xmas I was just so drained, tired and stressed with all the other assignments that my mind just went completely blank. However, it’s a new year now, new semester and that means I gotta be back on my A game.

So I’m feeling relatively optimistic about that, albeit nervous.. but hey, I’m still here and I’ve managed to get through all this shit before in my life, there’s hardly anything stopping me, other than how negatively my mind perceives me. In all fairness, my mood has been quite good ever since Christmas and my last post. I’m hoping it stays that way! I’m satisfied with the long break I had, and now it’s time to work hard again. This project should be fun anyways.

I don’t imagine this project/assignment will be too time-consuming regardless.. we’ve got 4 months to do it and we’ve got a very very basic concept that runs... I guess we just need to keep adding stuff to it over the next 4 months and see how far we get into it. Least that gives me hopes about time-keeping for the other assignments I’m starting this semester which I’m sure will be just as stressy as the ones I’ve just done :^)

Talking of assignments, my creative skills assignment got graded, the one which heavily involves Photoshop, Illustrator and all that graphic design stuff. I got 68, which was 2 marks off the top criteria.. So I’m happy with that! Considering a pass grade is 40, an extra 28 marks on top of that I’m chuffed with. So that’s kept me very positive recently that my work isn’t utter crap!

I am sorta worried for my other two assignments that are yet to be graded. One assignment which is the creating a game in Unity that I had to request an extension for, I feel like I’m going to get a low grade or not pass at all... trying to write the code myself was so difficult so uh, some sort of it was uh, “referenced” from online, i guess. My 3D modelling assignment I’m also sorta worrying about as I rushed it towards Christmas as I requested an extension for that too. Oh well, I’m going to try not to let it play on my mind...

On a more positive note, I decided to get this student housing thing sorted once and for all. I can’t afford to go back into student halls, and I’ma be real with you, but the flatmates you get can be obnoxious as fuck. Not saying that my current flatmates are like that, but uh, we just live and let live and we don’t really speak to each other. But they like to hog the kitchen a lot, and that annoys me. So I don’t really want to put up with that again next year. 

I organised a Discord group thingy between my bf and a friend from the course, so we could get a 3 bed house that’s close to the campus. Thing is, this student house is ideal for me because the rent is so cheap compared to student halls. So if I can get this student house, I’d be able to keep and spend so much more than I get right now. Lets put it this way, in student halls at the moment, I only get £300 to spend across the 3 months. If I was in a student house, on average I’d have just over £1k to save/spend over the 3 months. Yum fucking yum!!! So I really hope to fuc that we can get a place sorted!

I ain’t really got no fear of anything going wrong tbh... we still got quite a bit of time, and there’s still some good choices going around in the area near the university- which is convenient as currently where we stay it is an hour walk to campus, and yeah.... not worth it. I might also mention it to a few friends on the course if they want to also come live with us, but it looks like everyone is sorted... so I think it’s best that we just find a place, inquire, see if we’re happy and then slap the deposit on it.

Conveniently, my dad just got his redundancy money from work and has offered to pay my deposit for me which is a MAJOR help, otherwise I simply would not be able to afford it and live at the same time. So I feel very blessed knowing this. Of course, once we get to the house I am not going to blast any of the money, in fact I might just spend it how I do now, very minimally. Reason being? Overdraft. I gotta get out my overdraft. My bank has started to change the limit of how much is fee-free, and at the moment I can take out up to £2000 and it’s fee-free, but at the end of this year it’s going down to £1500, then the year after it’s £1000, year after is £500 and then so on.

So realistically, it is absolutely in my best interests to go for a student house. I need that money. I have also been looking at costs about doing an internship in Canada, and yes, it is fairly expensive once you count the application fees, flight fees and the fact that the Canadian government want you to prove that you have 2400CAD in your bank to prove that you can sustain yourself in Canada.

I have been looking at the invitation pools for UK residents to take the working holiday visa scheme in Canada, and right now it seems 3k people have signed up, and there’s 6k slots... so... that’s filled some hope in me! I just really hope I get a place!! It is absolutely my dream to work in Canada for the year. I just gotta be on top of my game on December 2020... as I believe that’s when the pools next open. I just hope they don’t mind being there for only a year when the visa grants you two years! But uh, they don’t need to know that hehe... or maybe they do. lol idk.

But yes, a student house is needed in order for all this to be accomplished. I know for a fact I would be more comfortable staying with my bf and a coursemate rather than more random people that I have to awkwardly say hi to when I want to grab my noodles from the kitchen. But yes, I’m estimating that over the second year, I’ll have about £800 or so to spend. That’s amazing. And I want to invest £500 into my overdraft so I can go down to the fee-free amount (£1500), and then do the same for the next instalment so I can go down to £1000, and then save whatever is left from the final instalment to try and sustain myself for if & when I go to Canada. They ask for 2400CAD in your bank, and that’s £1400... I guess as long as I have that in my bank they’ll accept me, and then once I get in I can focus on paying that overdraft off.

I’ve heard internships in Canada pay minimum wage, so if I have extra money in the month that I don’t necessarily need, I’ll send it to my UK bank account and help me get out of that overdraft, as when/if i’m in Canada, the fee-free amount will reduce to £500 or so, therefore I need to get that paid off. I don’t think it should be too difficult, but I’m super relying on these things working out, and lets be real, there’s a very high chance of all this not working out. Though, I won’t allow myself to. I will find a student house. I will save the money I get when I’m at said student house. I will pay my overdraft bit by bit. I will try to save up 2400CAD so I can get accepted into Canada, but the most important part: I will try my best to entice Canadian game studios to accept me.. 

That last part, that’s going to be tricky I think... I hope I am good enough that they will accept me as their intern. I don’t know really. I still don’t know where I wanna go , but anywhere in Canada I’m happy with: particularly if it’s Toronto or Montreal. Hell, I have still been learning French for just in case I do get a place in Montreal. They speak French there? well heck, so will I with all this time I got to do it. Plus, I’ve been wanting to learn French for a while, but just needed a sort of kick up the butt to say “ok, here’s why you should ACTUALLY do it!” and yea :3

That being said , I would also be happy if I got accepted at a studio in Vancouver.. a bit far and very much behind time-wise from the UK, but hey it’s only for the year, I may as well live it up aye? Of course, I am still banking on myself to get accepted into the pools and be invited by the Canadian gov, then consult jobs/studios all over Canada with my work and stuff, then save up the money to get into Canada, all simultaneously while trying to find a roommate in whichever city I get to (however, this seems like a rather simple one as I’ve already seen many apps that can help find roommates and offers seem to come & go A LOT.)

A roommate would definitely be ideal for me, as it would help split the rent. If I’m going to stay in a city like Vancouver or Toronto, it isn’t really possible for me to sustain myself on minimum wage in these cities. So a roommate is ideal. Besides, I need friends when I get there anyway! lol

I wonder if I’ll look back at this post in a few years and think... “Wow Kurt, you thought it was that easy?” - part of me thinks this goal is far-fetched, another part of me sees it as perfectly accomplishable with the correct amount of time, planning and finances. So really... I don’t know. I would say at the moment, probability is low in the likeliness of me getting in, because my work is still a bit.. questionable, as I am still a fresher after all. So I gotta rely on producing really good work that catches the eyes of employers, host a website with my portfolio on it and send it to just as many Canadian studios as I can and then hope for the best. I just really want this goal, it’s an even more motivating goal than thinking of graduation, honestly! 

Welp. I posted a lot on this one, but everything I said here is 100% the things that run through my mind a lot of the nights. I am going to stay optimistic, I’m going to work to the best of my ability and make my creations look appealing, I am going to get that student house so I can be happy financially and secure myself & my goals. Til next time

~mangie

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[beenovel]

1. Why did you choose your url? I was on another site called "the one-year adventure novel forum" and this was my username on there and I was too lazy to think of a new one. The site was focused on the fact that we were all writing novels and my name means bee so.... BeeNovel.

2. Any side blogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them? Nope. I don't think I'd remember to check it lol. Which means y'all are subjected to all of my interests. Sorry (not really)

3. How long have you been on Tumblr? Since February of 2021 (I'm pretty new)

4. Do you have a queue tag? Yeah. For a while it was "queue me up buttercup" but that was too hard so now it's just "q"

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place? I've been looking at tumblr posts on other sites since middle school so I figured I might as well get it over with and just join since it was all I looked at on other sites anyway.

6. Why did you choose your icon / pfp? It went with my username and like I said my name means bee

7. Why did you choose your header? It was pretty

8. What's your post with the most notes? I have no idea

9. How many mutuals do you have? 12

10. How many followers do you have? 106

11. How many people do you follow? 23

12. Have you ever made a shitpost? uh, maybe. I don't think so though.

13. How often do you use Tumblr each day? *nervous laughter*

14. Did you have a fight / argument with another blog once? Who won? Nothing serious but .... frog/duck war. I don't think anyone "won" it just sort of ended.

15. How do you feel about 'you need to comparer this' posts? Hate them.

16. Do you like tag games? Yeah

17. Do you like ask games? Yeah

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous? all of them lol. Idk why some of y'all follow me.

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual? Quite a few of them, I developed crushes like that *snaps fingers*. However, I'm not naming any names

20. Tags: @tolkien-fantasy @incorrect-lord-of-the-rings @gremlinfaemess @cassiabaggins @vem-vem-writes and @messiambrandybuck

Thank you sooo much for the tag, love @sodalitefully 💖💖💖

1. Why did you choose your url?

I always was obsessed with The Lord of the Rings, that's probably my fave movies and book I've ever seen and read in my entire life. So when I was in the process of making this blog I decided I want a name that has a connection to this obsession of mine but still wasn't a fandom-ish. You know like all of these "Legolas's-first-slut" or "want-to-live-in-middle-earth" 😂 I love these, but this blog was made for music purposes so I wanted a neutral URL. So eruvande is basically my own name in quenya - an ancient elvish language.

2. Any side blogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them

Yes! @errruvande is a side blog for my Tolkien obsession only!💗 For my LOTR/TH writings and shitposts.

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

Ah probably for 3 year I guess

@errruvande is ~4 months old ✨baby blog

4. Do you have a queue tag?

I have now, for my writing blog. It is "From the depth of Moria this post has come" but I'm not using it often, tho

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

I always loved music nobody around me listen to. No matter of it's 80's rock or 60's rock'n'roll and pop I always was kinda alone in my obsession. So I started this one to find people I can talk about music with.

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Ahshahjksjkaa CAUSE SLASH babe is the love of my life

7. Why did you choose your header?

Cause Haldir is also the love of my life 👉🏼👈🏼

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

Ahhhhhhh here is probably this one

On side-blog - this one (Legolas x F!Reader fic)

9. How many mutuals do you have?

I need to count this😂 -> 47

10. How many followers do you have?

207 here and 142 on my side acc

11. How many people do you follow?

208

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

Every fucking day before? 😂 Be ready 'cause from now on I'm gonna shitpost about Måneskin lmao

13. How often do you use Tumblr each day?

In every possible and impossible moment

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

Nope, I do not like to fight even on the net.

15. How do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts?

Like a total shit. I feel like I am mentally forced to do things I don't really want to (usually)? So I usually don't reblog if that's not what I want to reblog. Like, if I want to, I would, without you telling me what to do.

16. Do you like tag games?

YES!!! Tho it is usually took me time to answer 😂

17. Do you like ask games?

YES as well!!!

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

Fandom famous:

Classic rock fd: @arnold-layne and you, bitch, I consider you famous in this cursed house we call classic rock

In Tolkien fd: @elvish-sky @entishramblings 💕

and like just prove me wrong 😂

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

If I get the term right - @bonjour-rainycity is my tumblr love hahaah

20. Tags:

@arnold-layne @satans-helper @idontloveanything @awrestlinggirlwholoves80sbands @rock-n-roll-fantasy (that's me errruvande's calling aaahahha) -> @wishingtobeinadifferentuniverse @the-reformed-ringwraith @thewhiteladyofrohan @elvish-sky @entishramblings @halfabrandybuck @hobbitkin-journey @iwenttomordor