#yeah i should probably go to a therapist huh

[ts-janus-rp-blog]

"Didn't want you to?" Remus snorted, "well, sucks to be him, huh? It's a good thing you didn't, I bet he would've hurt you if you did... And yeah, probably. Really? You don't mind your body?" Remus nodded, "I thought you would've, if I'm being honest. You pass so well that I thought you would've hated your body. I don't mind it either, whatever you're happy with then I'm happy with. I just...wanted you to know that you don't have to keep this body if you don't want to. I'm happy with anything." He smiled to him, then he worked his way back up to start washing the blood off of his neck. "I really have made quite a number of bruises on your neck... We better talk to Patton before he freaks out about this."

"Hm, I doubt that would work... I mean, he won't believe you if you call him. Even if you get Roman to call him and tell him directly that he's safe and happy, I doubt he would believe it. I mean, you can try... But that's just my opinion." The man shrugged, "Yeah? Alright, I'll send him a few dogs with a note. Mhm... Well, he clearly likes dogs, judging by Janus, so I think dogs may be the best bet. I'll get on that right away." The man grabbed a pencil and started writing that down on his notes.

"Oh, also, I have something else to report, talking about Remus... So, one of the boys mentioned that they've been keeping tabs on their ex. This ex lives close to Remus, and he used to be Remus therapist. He also is friends with Roman. But neither of them has spoken to this ex for some time. However, as of recently, after you finally got Roman, he's been spending an awfully long time with Remus all of a sudden. He's got some cameras set up inside of his ex house, and this is what he's caught." The man pulled out his phone, and he hit a few buttons. Finally, he presented the phone to Virgil, it was a live feed of Remus and Emile in the shower, and how they were giggling and moaning. "There's feed of them having sex too. Remus cares so much about his brother that he's having sex with someone he hasn't talked to in years instead of searching for his missing brother. That's horrible, don't you think?"

"Oh? He actually wore that and didn't complain? Huh, I thought he would've complained. I bet he looked quite adorable in it! Did you take any pictures of him? I would love to see it! Oh, I'm sure you made that clear amongst the boys, I heard them chatting about how they would love a piece of roman but they cant. Wow! And he let you do that?" The man chuckled, "I bet that was incredibly hot. Have you had sex with him yet? Do you think he's going to get pregnant anytime soon?"

"Hm... Well, that's another matter I wanted to talk to you about. I feel that the mutt is a liability. He may be working on getting out, or be Romans voice of reason. And we can't have that. I do understand that it makes Roman happy, so I agree that he should stay. However..." The man smirked as he opened his file and slid it over to Virgil. "I have an idea... I've been really interested in doing this experiment, but the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet. This is the perfect opportunity." He grinned, "Why don't we turn Janus into a stuffed animal? He won't be able to talk, he won't be able to get into Romans head, and he won't be able to help Roman escape. Hell just be a little plush toy that Roman can hold and feel comforted by. Now... Obviously, Roman would feel distressed to find his friend has turned into a plushie. But, I can manipulate Romans memories to make him think that his plushie has always been that, a plushie." He sipped.

Patton knocked desperately at the strangers door, praying someone, anyone was home. His heart beat as fast and loud as the rain thundering against the sidewalk. He was sure he was being followed, they were going to catch him. They were going to drag him back. He wasn't sure if whoever lived here might be worse, but he was willing to risk it at this point. Anything to escape.

{@moralpuppylover2}

Janus didn't know who would be at the door. It was late, but his master won't surely be home at this time. He normally doesn't get home until the sun starts to come up.

So, as the dog hybrid walked up to the door and opened it, he wondered who it could be. And if he should open it at all... Who knows, he may get in trouble with his master for opening the door. But, his curiosity was getting the better of him-

He stopped when he saw the soaking wet cat standing at the doorway. He could tell that this cat needed help almost immediately. Well, if his poor state of clothes were anything to go by. His eyes flickered up and down the sidewalk before he grabbed pattons arm and pulled him inside.

"are you alright?" Janus nervously asked as he grabbed a towel from the mud room. "Well, that's a stupid question, of course you're not alright! Are you...running away from your owners?" As Janus walked, the collar around his neck would jingle loudly. And even though it was cold outside and even in the house, he only had a pair of boxers on. Because of that, Patton would be able to see the numerous large scars that covered his body...and the countless amounts of fresh bruises.

@moralpuppylover2

[rebdophilia]

having an atp is the best and worst feeling like yes i love you but if you dont respond to my texts ill cry, assume you hate me, and go thru the Mass Shooting Ideation™️ cycle for the 5th time this month so either you get close to me and have to endure my ass or distance yourself away from me and because of that i think about shooting up my school because i have nothing else to live for

^ live footage of me irl btw

[imtryingbuck]

My Saviour

~ gif not mine credit to owner ~

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Summary: Buckys just received some news from the love of his life.

Word count: 6,269

Warnings: angst. fluff. suicidal thoughts. Bucky’s past mentioned. insecurities. scars mentioned. Bucky being madly in love. reader being an angel. past cheating and domestic abuse. pregnancy (it’s me im sorry) me not knowing anything about courts/sentencing.

Translation: ты мой спаситель - you’re my saviour (if wrong take it up with google translation)

Masterlist

Bucky wished Steve was still around so he could talk to him about things. He wish that his best friend was still there to see the progress he was slowly making. Wished to know if his best friend was proud of him.

But most importantly he wished Steve chose to stay with him and Sam so he could have met the person who brought him back to life, who brought his long existence actual meaning other than jumping from fight to fight. He knew Steve would have loved her and probably would have thanked her for everything.

But sadly Steve went to live a different life without him so he had to deal with Sam all alone.

For a year after Steve left Bucky struggled to go out, he struggled to find his path in a world that he wasn’t suppose to be apart of. He should have died that day when he fell from the train.

His therapist tried to get him to go out into the world and meet people, Bucky would say ‘next time’ until Dr Raynor eventually gave up on trying.

For a whole year Bucky moved with the motion, just existing, alive and breathing but just barely holding on to that invisible thread.

That was until six years ago. Six years ago everything changed.

** six years ago **

“Buck please-“

“Don’t call me that! How many times do I have to tell you”

“Oh I’m sorry Sir Bucky! But like I said please just come with me? It would do you some good to get out of your apartment, wait Bucky are you even listening to me?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m listening. I do get out-“

“To see your therapist and that’s it”

“I’m still going out aren’t I?” Bucky responds snappily, rolling his eyes as Sam groans through the speaker.

“Please Bucky, it’s just coffee!”

“God sake, okay. I’ll be there. Bye” He really didn’t want to go out and get a coffee with Sam but he ended agreeing knowing that he would not have stopped, probably even going as far as coming to his apartment just to drag him out of there. Since Steve left, poor Bucky had been left all alone on with Sam, okay it wasn’t as bad as he made it out to be but still he had been left with a man that annoyed him more than anything.

Groaning inwardly he slides his phone into his jeans front pocket before shoving his gloved hands into the pockets of his leather jacket, as he walked down the street he kept his head down so he didn’t make eye contact with anyone walking by. It was safer that way. For him and those around him.

“James Barnes” he spoke roughly to the receptionist who made a habit of always pushing her chest out so he could get an eye full of her cleavage.

“Take a seat” she responds batting her eyelashes with her chest pushed out. He thought after the tenth time of him rolling his eyes at her not so subtle attempt at flirting she would get the hint.

He was not interested.

“S-sorry is this seat taken?” A soft timid voice from a woman pulled Bucky out of his staring competition he was having with the fake plant by the water dispenser.

“Huh?”

“Is-is anyone sitting here?”

“No. No you can sit”

“T-thank you” Bucky smiled and nodded softly instantly curious as to why she was also seeing a therapist. Bucky found himself getting lost in the smell of her perfume, the sweet smell creeping up his nostrils and into his senses. His eyes focused on the slow motion of her leg closest to his bouncing in time with the ticking of the clock.

“S-sir?”

“Huh? Yeah?”

“A-are you um are you J-James Barnes?”

Great just great. She knows who he is and from the way she stutters his name she clearly knows what he’s done and is scared of him. “Yes that’s me” he finally answers.

“Y-your names b-been called sir” she points over to where the receptionist is and sees her waiting for him to follow her down the hallway to Dr Raynors office.

Oh. Oh okay he got it wrong. “Oh, thank you”

“Y-your welcome sir”

Bucky offers her a small smile that she responds with the same and follows Lila down the corridor. He has no idea that the small smile he gave her meant a great deal to her. Nor does he know that she talks about him to her therapist that was two doors down from his.

Neither one realises that one small smile would make such a massive impact on their lives.

Over the course of four months, twice a week Bucky would see the woman whose name he had yet to know, every time they sat patiently in the waiting room they would find themselves sitting next to each other. Always quietly asking if the seat next to them was taken. Even if there were other available seats.

Dr Raynor had quite enjoyed hearing about the woman who seemed to have taken residence in Bucky’s mind. And Dr Harlow was proud of hearing that her patient was seeing someone new. She laughed when her patient blushed and began stumbling over her words that she was not seeing this man in that sense.

Bucky walked in to the waiting room expecting to find the woman whose presence he had become content being around only to frown at seeing the two seats that became unofficially theirs empty. The whole time he waited for her but she never showed. His name was called, as he followed Lila he kept turning his head back to the double doors in hopes that he would catch a glimpse of her. Walking into the room he frowned at seeing Dr Raynor and another woman sitting down. This was new.

“James, this is Dr Harlow.”

“Hi?”

“Hello James”

“What’s wrong? I didn’t do-“

“No, no James it’s… well you know the woman you’ve been telling me about?” Raynor cuts him off and waits for him to nod “well Dr Harlow is her therapist, Y/n was rushed in to the hospital early hours this morning-“

“Y/n? That’s her name? Wait… what happened to her? Is she okay? Where is-“

“James, she’s okay. We can’t disclose anything about what happened but-well you see Y/n has been talking about you in her sessions, nothing bad don’t worry, and you’ve been talking about her so we agreed that we should let you know”

Bucky sat there staring at his doctor as his mind raced with questions. She was in the hospital? Her name suited her perfectly. Why was she in the hospital? Who hurt her? She talked about him? ‘Nothing bad’ the good doctor stressed. Is she okay? “James?”

“Yeah erm, are you sure she’s okay?”

“Yes. We, well we talked to each other” Raynor points at between herself and Dr Harlow “and we think it would be a great opportunity for you to talk to her, maybe offer her some support-“

“Why me? Aren’t you two the therapists?”

“Yes we are but James I don’t think you realise how much those smiles and a few quiet words mean to Y/n. Nor she with you, now in my opinion I think it would be nice if the pair of you had someone to lean on when you don’t have a session.”

Thinking it over for a few minutes he nodded and agreed. Dr Harlow said Y/n had mentioned that she felt safe with him which made his heart race faster than usual at hearing that a complete stranger felt safe around him when he was so use to it being different. No one felt safe around him, hell he didn’t even feel safe with himself but yet she did. Not even ten seconds after the door closed behind Dr Harlow did Bucky start questioning his doctor about what had happened or where she was so he could go and see her, he just wanted to make sure she was fine but Raynor held strong and didn’t back down from the harsh glare he was sending towards her. She never did though to be honest.

Ten minutes later Dr Raynor thought it was best to cut their session short, though promised him that she would make out that they did the full hour.

Two weeks. Two whole weeks it had been since he was told that she was in the hospital and he hadn’t seen her. That day he thought it wouldn’t be any different to the other days where he expected to see her, until he turned his back on Lila who thankfully now took the hint that he wasn’t interested in her. His eyes squinted at seeing someone sitting in their seats.

“Is this seat taken?” He asked quietly, hoping that the woman in front of him would raise her head and smile as she said ‘no you can sit’. And when she did. Well… let’s just say that what he wanted to do to whoever had caused such pain and suffering to his Y/n he wouldn’t have pinned it on the Winter Soldier. No because Bucky Barnes would have happily admitted to shedding blood that wasn’t his own. Happily and proudly.

“N-no you can sit” she responds with that smile he sees when he closes his eyes at night.

“Doll-“ Lila cuts him off by calling his name signalling that it was his time, he nods at her then faces Y/n. “After your session I’m going to be waiting right here okay, and I want to take you for a coffee.”

“O-okay” Y/n says with a shy smile. Bucky smiles back before going up to Lila, eyebrows burrowing when she doesn’t lead him down the corridor. And that’s when it finally hits him. He had never seen her doing that to any of the other patients.

He tells Dr Raynor that Y/n was back, told her the bruises that littered her beautiful face, told her what he had said to her and her response. “Go easy on her James, don’t try and rush her into telling you all of her secrets okay” but in the same breath suggests a nice place for him to take her.

Forty five minutes after his appointment had ended he was now sat a cross the table from Y/n with a black coffee in front of him and a hot chocolate in front of her.

“You know what I’m going to ask you don’t you?” He says with a gentle smile, she nods. “Are you okay?”

“I-I’m fi-fine now sir”

“Bucky, call me Bucky. How long was you in the hospital for?”

“A few d-days, Dr Harlow told me that she told you what happened”

“Not exactly they just said that you was in the hospital, wanted me to know since you talk about me all the time” winking at her when she blushed.

“I-I d-don’t”

“All the time they said, said that your obsessed with me”

“Well y-you talk a-about me too!”

“Me? Never!” Bucky was ninety nine point nine percent sure that he had died right there and then and went to heaven when she laughed. He was sure of it. Her laugh could only described as angelic. God he wanted to hear it again and again until he dying breath.

“I-it was my ex” she whispered. She wasn’t stupid she knew what he wanted to ask.

“Where is he now?”

“Jail still, h-have to go court in-in two weeks. My lawyer said h-he’ll be going to prison for a long time, he broke the protection order an-and well this” she said gesturing to her face.

“You had a protection order against him?”

“Yes, throughout our relationship he was abusive the o-only way I managed to get out was because he had been cheating on me with a friend of mine, he left me a-and I was so happy because it meant that I didn’t have to suffer no more but the friend didn’t want him anymore because the fun of sneaking around had gone”. Taking a deep breath before sipping on her hot chocolate she continued. “He broke into my apartment and attacked me because I said no to taking him back, police was called by my neighbour and I got the restraining order against him because I could do that then, he went to prison and h-he got out three weeks ago, he broke into my apartment again and did this b-but the police arrived quickly as I already rang them”

“Doll… I’m so sorry”

“It’s okay. I’m okay now”

“It’s not okay Y/n”

“It is what it is, he’ll be going to prison for a long time and I’ll be able to live my life again.” She smiled.

“W-when is it that you have to go to court?”

“In two weeks, why?”

“Can I come with you? To offer my support” With her lack of response he knew he overstepped. Of course she isn’t going to want the former Winter Soldier to come with her to face another monster in her life. He’s about to apologise until she smiles once more and nods.

“I would really like that. Thank you Bucky” Bucky smiled and nodded.

Their second cup of hot drinks had slowly grown cold as the conversation flowed effortlessly between the pair. Bucky loved the way she no longer stuttered or stumbled over her words the longer they spoke. She was about to say something when a bang from the window startled the pair of them.

“Great.” He muttered.

“D-do you know him?”

“Who the crazy guy with his face squashed up against the window? Unfortunately” Y/n giggled at his words then looked at the man who did in fact have his face squashed up against the window, his eyes moving back and forth between herself and Bucky. Waving shyly at the man who waved excitedly back Bucky rolled his eyes. “You do realise you’ve just basically invited him in, don’t you? Oh see now he’s entering.”

“Stop being mean”

“Didn’t expect to see you here Barnes. Hi I’m Sam, Bucky’s best friend in the whole world”

“Hi Sam, I’m Y/n” she shakes his hand and smiles at Bucky who sits there rolling his eyes for the umpteenth time.

“Scoot over then Bucky. So how did you two meet?”

Bucky looked at Y/n to see if she was comfortable with letting him know, she just smiled. “We met in therapy”

“Oh, are you a therapist?”

“No, no I’m a patient”

“Does it help?”

“Sam!”

“What? I’m just asking”

Giggling at the two men “it’s fine Bucky, it has been helping. My therapist is really nice and understanding”

“That’s great. So did you two meet from group therapy or?”

“No we actually sat next to each other in the waiting room”

“Aw that’s so cute!” Sam winks at her whilst Bucky grumbled under his breath.

Sam ends up convincing Bucky and Y/n in getting something to eat not that he puts up to much of a fight as both of them were hungry themselves. Once again conversation flows effortlessly, even Bucky joined in with the laughter.

After food was eaten and an argument between the three about who was going to pay - Y/n winning when the two men were still arguing over the bill - they walked her all the way to her apartment. Bucky’s heart clenched painfully seeing her front door with dried blood on it. Sam noticed too and smiled sadly at his friend.

Two whole weeks passed, in those two weeks Sam kept “bumping” into the pair, the three of them would walk around talking about their lives, both of the men noticing that she was very vague about her life but neither one pushed her into saying more.

Today was the day where Y/n was going to court, as she stood outside she checked her watch worrying that Bucky wasn’t going to show up, not like he needed to he didn’t owe her anything anyway. She turned around to head up the many steps when her names called, turning she sees Bucky running over towards her. Sam following closely behind.

“Hey, hi, sorry we’re late I tried to shake this one off but he’s persist-“

“No it’s okay, I-I really appreciate the pair of you coming today. It means so much”

“You’re welcome sunshine, you’ve got our support” Sam smiles wrapping his arms around her squeezing slightly.

“Y/n? We need to go in” her lawyer says from the large brown double doors.

Sam nods to the pair and heads up the steps, Bucky smiled “me and Sam are here for you, it’s going to be okay”

“I’m scared about seeing him again b-but I-I can do it” Bucky’s hand reached out to hers that shook.

“I’ve got you, I promise”

“T-th-thank you Bucky”

Hand in hand they head up to where Sam was waiting patiently and followed the lawyers lead into the courtroom. Bucky’s knee wouldn’t stop bouncing from anger as Y/n bravely stood in the witness stand and gave her statement, hearing all the things that the bastard did to her made him want to attack him. Sam knew what was going through his friends head, honestly? He wasn’t going to be far behind him.

Three hours later her ex received a ten year sentence. Bucky watched as her body relaxes by hearing the judges words. He and Sam smiles at her when she turns around, her eyes moving along the rows to find where they sat, smiling as soon as she lands on them.

After leaving the courthouse Bucky took her hand in his again and the three of them went to the restaurant that Sam had suggested, in a way to celebrate Y/n’s new found freedom. Neither one of the men mentioned about what they heard or the photos they saw in the courtroom, other than telling her that they were proud of her bravery.

Six months had passed before any of them had realised, both of the therapists were proud of seeing completely different people sitting in front of them in their sessions. Bucky opened up more and so did Y/n, not only to their therapists but to each other.

The knock on the door pulled Bucky away from his bickering with Sam as his friend argued that pineapple on pizza was nice. “I’ll ask Y/n and see what she says! Hey doll”

“Hey, sorry I’m late”

“You’re not, don’t worry. Hey does pineapple belong on pizza?” He asked taking her coat and hanging it up on the hook.

“I’ve tried it and I like it” she waves to Sam.

“See! Sam I told you it was nice”

“But you said-“

“Shut up. Sam said that it was wrong but I said it was nice”

“No yo-“

“So how was your day?” Sam looked at Y/n mouthing ‘he’s lying’ making her giggle, she goes on to tell them all about her day which had Bucky hanging on to every word she spoke.

Halfway through the film Sam had picked Y/n went to the bathroom, Bucky eyed Sam curiously as the latter was sitting there grinning at him. “What?”

“Whens the wedding?”

“What wedding?”

“Yours and Y/ns”

“We’re not getting married? Why are you smiling like that?”

“If you say so, hey when are you going to tell her you love her?”

Choking on his beer Bucky shook his head “I don’t love her Sam”

“Okay, how about you telling her that you’re in love with her?”

“Sam shut up.”

“Nope. So when are you going to tell her?”

“I’m not going too alright. It’s just-it doesn’t matter alright just drop it”

“Drop what?” Y/n asked walking back into the living room.

“Pineapple being on pizza” Bucky says quickly his eyes going wide looking at Sam.

Laughing she shakes her head sitting back down next to Bucky “we’re not having this argument anymore boys”

“Try telling him that Y/n/n” now it’s Bucky’s turn to have a grin on his lips as Sam’s eyes squint at the pair.

“Sunshine has Bucky told you yet?”

“Told me what?”

“That he loves y-“

“Yogurts.”

“You… love yogurts?” She asked him with her eyebrow raised, Sam struggles to contain his laughter seeing Bucky become a stuttering mess.

“Yes… I love yogurts, problem?”

“Nope no problem here” If Y/n wasn’t snuggling into his left side Bucky would have throttled Sam.

The knock on her door startled her from the tv screen in front of her - it didn’t help that she was watching a horror and that a jump scare was about to happen when the knock came.

“Bucky? Hey, are you okay?”

“I-I was just in the neigh-neighbourhood a-and I thought that I’d st-stop by”

“Yeah come in, James is everything alright?”

“Yeah, w-why?”

“It’s just that you’re stuttering… and I’m just worried that’s all”

“S-someone said something about me, it-it wasn’t good” he admitted twisting the bottle cap from the water bottle she had gave him.

“What did they say?”

“It doesn’t matter, I-I just wanted to see you-you know because I was in the neighbourhood”

The truth was he wasn’t, he had finally listened to Dr Raynors advice and go out. His plan was to go down the corner store to get some essentials in. Get in, get out that was easy and simple. He could do it. Until he heard two men who were talking clearly and loudly about him their conversation attracting the attention of others passing by them. And that’s when he realised his second mistake that day, the first mistake being to agree to go out, the second being that he forgot his gloves. The comments were harsh and unkind.

His first response was to put his head down shoving his hands into his pockets and walk all the way to Y/n’s apartment. Even if it was a forty minute walk.

Bucky needed to see her, he didn’t care if they sat in silence just as long as he was with her, he didn’t care if she forced him to watch that terrible tv show.

“Come on let’s watch something and have cuddles”

He was safe with her. Calmer. Happier. More comfortable and relaxed.

“Have you asked her?”

“No Samuel I haven’t”

“Why?”

“Because I haven’t seen her today”

“Why?”

“Because she had her session with Dr Harlow”

“Why?”

“Sam, I’m going to punch you in the face”

“Wh-“

Bucky rolled his eyes and put the phone call down. He couldn’t bear to hear why one more time. He was too busy going over what he was going to ask Y/n, so many things could go wrong she could say no, it would be weird as they’ve only known each other for a year now. She’s going to say no. Of course she is. He can’t ask, he just ca-

“Buck? Open up my arms hurt”

Buck. Buck, the name Sam was not happy about hearing slipping out of her mouth. He had tried years to call him that but always got shot down. It wasn’t fair.

“Buck? Shit are you not in?”

“No! No I’m in doll, hi, hello, hi”

“Hi, hello, hi to you too” Bucky laughs taking the bags off her arms carefully, then takes them into the kitchen. A month ago Y/n moved in to his apartment with him after the landlord put up the rent making her struggle to keep paying the higher rent, Bucky caught her looking for a new place to live when he suggested her living with him, she first denied but Bucky swore and promised that he was more than happy to let her stay with him, she ended up agreeing, Bucky could have cried with happiness all night but managed to contain himself.

“Did you get everything?”

“Nope, forgot absolutely everything you asked for” sticking her tongue out at him, he laughed.

God he loves her weirdness.

“So I- god sake Sam, hold on pretty girl. What now Sam? No I haven’t. Because she’s just walked in. You’re so needy do you know that? Okay I’ll ask now. Yes I’ll do it whilst you’re on the phone. Y/n, do you want to come to Louisiana with Sam and I?”

“Really?”

“Yeah, we’re going for a week to see his sister and nephews and we want you to come too”

“Will his sister mind me being there?”

“No. So?”

“Are you guys really sure?”

“Absolutely”

“O-okay, that would be nice”

His smile doesn’t just take up his face but Sam’s as well “good, good. Did you hear Sam? Okay see you later” chucking his phone on to the counter he turns back to Y/n. “We leave tomorrow”

“Tomorrow? Oh god okay, I’ll go and pack now”

Two days later they arrive in Louisiana after both men took it in turns to drive, it was long and tiring for them but Y/n loved it. She had never been out of New York before so she was taking in the sights. When Bucky wasn’t driving he would watch her from his seat, seeing her face lit up made his heart tingle.

“Are you sure she won’t mind me being here?”

“I promise, she’s excited to meet you” Sam reassures her as he pulls up the gravelled driveway.

Greeting his sister and nephews, Bucky doing the same Sarah turned her attention to Y/n instantly engulfing her in a warm embrace. “It’s so nice to finally meet you”

“You too” she smiled softly.

Later that night after putting their things away they all sat outside watching as the sun started to set, Sam was manning the grill and Bucky were chasing the two boys around making them squeal with laughter and excitement. Sarah and Y/n were talking when Sarah asked the woman sitting in front of her something that made her choke and splutter on her drink.

“W-we aren’t to-together”

“Are you sure? The way he looks at you makes me think differently”

“No, no we’re just friends. Plus he wouldn’t like me so”

“Do you like him?”

“I-yes. But I would rather have him as my friend than not have him in my life”

“Tell him how you feel”

“No I can’t do that!”

“You can”

“No I can’t”

“Can’t what?” Bucky’s voice comes from behind her. Sarah has to stifle her laughter as Y/ns eyes went as wide as saucers.

“I-erm nothing.”

“Okay? Hey there’s a crab down on the beach that the boys have found, want to come and see it?”

“O-okay” Bucky smiles and holds out his hand for her to take, helping her stand he keeps his hand in hers as they walk towards the two boys.

“Is she in love with him?”

“I think so, hopefully they’ll admit their feelings because they’re so cute together” Sarah says with her eyes trained on the two fading figures, Sam smirks before flipping the burgers.

Later that night Y/n got startled when she went into the bathroom seeing Bucky standing motionless in front of the mirror. “Shit! Bucky you scared- hey are you okay?”

“I-I’m fi-I’m not okay Y/n/n” Y/n moved so quickly wrapping her arms around him, both falling on the ground.

“It’s okay, it’s okay” the sobs wracked through his body making her body shake. She kept repeating those words like a mantra.

“M-my hair”

“Your hair? What about it?”

“I-I want it gone, please, please help me g-get rid of it”

Her heart broke at hearing him sounding so small, in the whole year of knowing him he had always sounded so strong, and confident. Also she loved his hair and they both knew it, on nights where they cuddled up together on the couch watching movies her fingers would always end up playing with the soft strands of hair.

“A-are you sure?” feeling him nodding against her chest “okay, let me find some scissors and a clipper and I’ll do it for you okay?” Trying to stand was difficult especially since having a super soldier clinging to her. “Buck, I need to stand”

Finding the scissors was easy, it was just finding the clippers she had a difficult time coming up on. Cheering silently in triumph when she discovered them in the fourth draw. “Should we go outside so we don’t wake everyone up?”

“O-okay. Leave the light on Cass is scared of the dark, Sarah leaves the bathroom light on for him” Bucky whispered wrapping both of his hands around her free one.

Outside with only the porch light illuminating them, Y/n started cutting his hair the shorter it got the more Bucky started to relax. When it came to trimming his hair Bucky’s left arm reached around to tug on her waist, bringing her around to stand in between his legs, he smiled shyly up at her. Without thinking she leaned down as she placed her lips to his forehead. His arms snaked around the back of her legs squeezing lightly.

“I-it’s done, maybe Sam can fix it up later if it’s bad?”

“I bet y-you did a good job”

“Would you be mad if I said you had a massive bald spot right on the top of your head?”

He laughed and shook his head “no I won’t be mad”

“It’s a good job that there isn’t one isn’t there?”

“Y/n, thank you, i-it means a lot to me. Thank you”

“You don’t need to thank me. D-do you want to talk about what happened?”

“It was a nightmare. Just about my past” leading her over to the hammock on that swayed ever so lightly from the night breeze. “T-they did bad things to me, made me do worse”

“I’m here if you want to talk about it” she says squeezing his hand.

“They made me kill people, even when I completed the mission to their satisfaction they would still punish me and I never knew why. The chair was the worst, I-I did what I was told to do and I was still punished.”

Looking at the water he breathed deeply, he was about to tell her something to no one else knew, not even his therapist. “I-I’ve wanted to end my life since coming back from Wakanda b-b-but not since I met you I swear!”

“Oh Buck”

“It was easier to end it you know? But I couldn’t do it, I needed to try and make up for all the damage I caused.”

“Bucky it was-“

“It was though, wasn’t it? It was me the whole time”

“It wasn’t. Bucky you wasn’t in control of your own mind, your a good man, an incredible man - don’t scoff at me mister - you are, if you don’t believe me think about Sarah, even though I don’t know her all that well she seems to have a good sense of judgement, do you really think that she would let you be around her babies if she thought you was a bad person?”

Thinking her words over he had to agree with her words about Sarah even Sam wouldn’t let him anywhere near his sister and his nephews. Hell Tony wouldn’t have allowed him near his wife or daughter if they believed he was the monster that he still believed he was. “Y-you’re right”

Now it was her turn to think over the words from Sarah earlier that night. It was most likely going to blow up in her face and she was going to lose him as a friend forever but maybe just maybe Sarah could be right. “I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you if you were a bad person Buck”

The silence that followed was killing her. She should have just kept her mouth shut.

He however couldn’t believe his ears. Surely she was playing a trick on him. There was no way this perfect angel as he always described her would ever feel the same way as him. Surely.

“I’m sorry Bucky, I-I’ll go n-“

He cuts her off by pressing his lips against hers. The kiss was soft, timid at first before they both gained their confidence their tongues dancing a slow dance together. Pulling away reluctantly Bucky leans his forehead against hers, both smiling widely at each other.

“I’m in love with you too” he whispered.

Nothing else was said. Nothing else was needed to be said.

Sam walks on to the porch with his hot cup of coffee that morning, his feet faltering when he sees Bucky and Y/n curled up together on the hammock fast asleep. Pulling his phone out he took a photo of the pair before running back into the house showing Sarah the photo.

As soon as they were back in New York Bucky asked Y/n out on a date, then another and another until he asked her to be his girlfriend. And soon enough she had moved into his room with him.

The first time she saw him topless was when he came out of the bathroom wearing grey joggers, he thought she was still in the living room. He heard the quiet gasp, he looked up to see her standing there and his stomach dropped.

“Y/n-“

“Your body… did the gods sculpt you? I-is that, two, four, six yep that’s an eight pack, how do you get an eight pack?”

Hearing her words he blushed with a little chuckle. “T-the scars-“

“Beautiful”

“Don’t lie to me”

“I would never lie to you Buck, everything about you is beautiful”

That night they made love for the first time, each of them taking their time in admiring the scars that littered their bodies. The second she pressed her lips delicately against the rough, raised patch where skin meets metal he honestly thought his heart was going to stop beating.

“ты мой спаситель, did you know that?” he whispered one night placing kisses on her bare shoulder.

“What does that mean?”

“ты мой спаситель?”

“Yeah”

“It means… your smelly”

“No it doesn’t” she laughs.

“No your right, it means you’re my saviour”

“Buck-“

“You are Y/n/n, you’ve saved me you’ve made me happier than I’ve ever been before a-and I know I wouldn’t still be here if it wasn’t for you”

“I’ll be with you until you want me to leave”

“So never” he laughed, pulling her body even closer to his. “I love you Y/n/n”

“I love you too Buck”

Bucky wished Steve was still around so he could talk to him about things. He wish that his best friend was still there so he could tell the blond about how nervous he was. He imagined Steve’s reaction as he fixed his tie for the ninth time within five minutes.

A year had passed, on their year anniversary Bucky got down on one knee and proposed, three months later he was standing in the spare bedroom of Sarah’s house in his suit as Sarah helped Y/n with her dress.

He really wished Steve was there to see him marrying his love.

A month before marrying both Sam and Bucky retired, both men tired of the bloodshed and nightmares. Sam told Bucky that he was going to move down to Louisiana, he even brought up a business proposal, Bucky had to admit it did sound tempting he promised Sam that he would run it by Y/n.

“Sam’s moving closer to Sarah, you know now that we’ve retired.”

“Oh, right”

“He erm he brought up a proposal to go into business together-“

“Did you say yes? Please tell me you said yes!”

“Why? Do you want to move to Louisiana?”

“Yes! I mean I knew Sam was going to move back there so I may or may not have been looking at houses down there…”

Sam cheered loudly down the phone when Bucky rang him to tell him that they were coming too.

“You ready Bucky?” Sam asked popping his head around the door.

“Yeah, yeah I’m ready”

Bucky faltered walking out of the house only expecting to see AJ, Cass and Roy - the man who was going to be marrying them - but yet all the people Y/n and himself had befriended over the two years they had been going to Louisiana, had showed up to watch them become one.

Being announced as husband and wife had their hearts doing a double take. They were married and neither one could believe it. And neither one could wipe the smile off their faces.

“ты мой спаситель… wait did I pronounce any of that right?” She panicked as they slow danced to the live music from a local band.

“Di-did you learn that just for me?”

“Yes” she giggled “so did I say it correctly?”

“Yes you did мой спаситель”

The celebration went on well into the night.

** present time **

“Buck?”

“Huh?”

“Did you just hear what I said?” Y/n looks up at him lightly nibbling on her bottom lip looking nervously.

Of course he had heard the words that came out of her mouth but those exact words made him think about how they met, and how far they both had come from being complete strangers who met in the waiting room of their therapist building to now being a happily married couple whose love continued to grow as the days passed.

“I did, but tell me again, please”

Oh how he can’t wait to tell his best friend Sam the news he had just received.

Taking his hands in hers she placed them on her still flat stomach and smiled.

“You’re going to be a dad.”

Tags: @imcinnamoons | @pigeonmama | @capsbestgirl77

[stxrryskys]

SOMEONE ASKED FOR A READER WHO HAS TROUBLE CUMMING BECAUSE OF MEDS.

CURLY X READER SMUT

C/W: Antidepressants mentioned, suicide breifly mentioned, kinda angsty in the beginning, slow burn kinda, cunnilingus, p in v, curly is super needy😣😣

It's been years... Years since everything happened.. You wanted a new start, a new everything so you moved, you got therapy and you got a good job! ...... You got fired... You got worse....and you contemplated doing really bad things to yourself when you were walking and found a flyer for an intern ship!

when you found the flyer you sent in your resume through an email, a week later they scheduled your interview! you walked in to the building nervous, asking yourself why youre even there.. then just like that you ran into somebody, knockiing you backwards

"crap! jeez! are you alright?" you heard a man with an australian accent speak, you looked up and he was holding his hand out to you, he was wearing a pony express shirt, it was the company that the internship was for. you look his hand and stood up, looking up at the blonde

"I-i'm so sorry-"

are you here for the internship under the captain?" he had cut you off, his hand lingering on yours

"uhm.. i think so.."

"great! you seem super capable, if you get it i cant wait to see you-

"Curly! lets go!"

the blonde man got cut off by a brown haired guy who seemed.. really annoyed to say the least, he let go of your hand and shot you a wink before walking away. what was he saying?

near the end of your interview they said they wanted you! thats awesome!! and- wait... did they just say if you take it you'll have to be on a spaceship. For over a year?! you were hesitant to take it at first but your life was falling apart so why the fuck not. its been a couple of months since you took the internship and today was the day you arbored this spaceship, you stepped on that ship and basically hid in your assigned room the whole day, considering work didn't start until tomorrow, you got settled, sat on your uncomfortable bed and took your meds that your therapist had put you on, as you dry swallowed the big pills you heard a knock on the door, you hurried to put them in your bag and the door opened

"Ahah! So you did get the internship!" he looked familiar.. oh! it was the guy you bumped into on the way to your interview a few months ago, you can't believe he's on the same ship as you

"Oh- I should probably introduce myself *ahem* I'm curly! The captain of this ship! "

Oh.. Thats why he said he couldn't wait to see you

"Hi.. I'm "______"

"Beautiful name... So! We start tomorrow! Are you excited! "

"I guess.. "

"You seen tense are you alright? ""I'm fine.. Sorry"

"I'm fine.. Sorry"He tilted his head, you seemed upset about something but he didn't want to pry

"Right.. So tomorrow try to get up early, yeah? "

"Yup, got it.. "

He smiled and walked out of the room, the first thing you noticed about him was his bright blonde hair and Australian accent.. It was- endearing to say the least, he seemed like a nice guy, a bit on the more muscular side, he looked like he could pick you up with one swoop.

It was the next morning and you woke up early like he said.. You walked down to the cockpit and yawned

"Ah! Good morning "_____" did you sleep well! "

"Uh yeah I slept okay.. " that was a lie, the bed was hard and uncomfortable

"Yeah? Glad you did! " he hopped up with his one hand, now on his two feet.

his abs.

oh em gee

HIS ABS

they were practically screaming at you... the sweat going down in to the dip of his bellybutton...wow. just wow

"Are you alright?"

"uh huh.." you couldn't help but continue to stare

"oh! right! sorry I forgot about that!"

he untied the sleeves from his waist and pulled them up to his arms and zipped up the jumpsuit, he was certainly a sight for sore eyes.

"Ah..uhhhh n-no worries... sorry for uh- sorry for staring."

he just flashed you another smile and turned around and grabbed a clipboard.'so im just gonna question you to see how much you know!"

"Know about what..?"

'so im just gonna question you to see how much you know!"

"Know about what..?"

"Flying!"

"i uhh i dont know anything about flyi-

"You seem tense!"

he was right, you were extremely tense. you were in the same room as a really attractive fit man.

"Sorry, I'm just nervous i guess..."

"thats okay! it;s completely understandable why, you know nothing about be and you're supposed to be my intern for a year! i'd be nervous too!" he kept his hands on his hips the whole time he spoke. he seemed really understanding. "here: I'm Curly! im the captain of the tulpar and i'm 210 pounds and im 6'0! I like working out, and spending time with friends and family!"

......

he's a sweet guy.. genuinly..

"..its your turn!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"ohoho! you like reading? go figure!"

"y-yeah! my favorite book is if i had only told her by Laura Nowlin "

"what? no way i know that book!"

' you do?!"

he didn't, but he wanted you to feel comfortable

"yeah uh my friend jimmy really likes romance books

-------------------------------------------

its been 5 months since you started your intern ship on the tulpar and you and curly have gotten super close, out of everyone on the ship curly was the most respectful,respectable,funny, and sweetest person on the ship, you couldn't help but develop a slight crush on curly...you were day dreaming about him at dinner, playing with your food. you did'nt like interacting with other people on the ship so you showed up to dinner after everyone went to bed. you had to take your antidepressants twice a day, one in the morning and one at night. you had just finished your food and you took a sip of water along with the pill, you set the bottle down and sighed a sigh of refleif as you set the bottle down and sighed, then you heard the door slide open

"Oh! Hi curly! " you smiled up at him, grabbing your medicine off the table and shoving in the pocket of your jumpsuit. the last thing you wanted from the guy you liked was him pitying you

"hey Angel, whatcha doing up this late?" oh he noticed. you weren't slick with it either. how could he not, he wasn't going to say anything because he doesnt want you to get upset at him but he nnoted what he saw in the back of his brain

"oh couldn't sleep I guess, what about you? you're usually asleep by this time aren't you?"

"Mm... i guess the same reason.." he moved his tired body into the seat next to you, letting out a yawn

..........

well the silence is very awkward... i guess he just felt a little awkward after seeing that, he couldn't not bring it up

'What's the medicine for?" he was honestly worried, what if you had some sort of chromic illness?! he would hate for his favorite girl to be sick

"uhhhhh it's uhm.....headache medicine...?"

"that looked really big to be headache medicine...?"

"uhh yeah sorry..It's uhm medicine for... something.."

he felt bad for asking, obviously he shouldn't have asked but it was knawing at the back of his brain. "Sorry, i shouldn't have asked about something persona-

"nope! no problem! i-It's fine! i just-im gonna go to bed-

as you moved your chair to get up in a hurry, his chair leg was raveled with yours, causing you to stumble.

on

top

of

him.......

oh my god

your titties

right in his face-

you got up so fast and ran to your room, you were so embarrassed, you basically just sexually harassed your captain!

______________________________________________

oh god...you've been avoiding him all week, even though your his intern, you convinced jimmy to give you a bunch of tasks with daisuke to avoid curly. you were sitting in your bed late at night overthinking. you hated feeling like people hated you. it wasn't fair. why was god never on your side. why did he always have to- No! no wallowing while you're on a fucking spaceship! you popped a pill and decided to do the one thing that helped you calm down- Masturbation

sure it wasn't a healthy habit but it's not like you even had time to do it, it takes you forever to cum since you were on medication but everyone was asleep and you had no distractions. you unzipped your jumpsuit and undressed yourself.

after about an hour of trying to pleasure yourself you busted out into tears. Why did it have to take forever? You weren't asking for alot, you literally just wanted to cum. your hand went limp between your legs as you just sat there and sobbed, you were wailing you didn't even noticed the knock on your door

when curly heard you sniffing he decided to barge in

"Angel!? Are you oka-

he ran to you with no problem but when he saw you naked with your hand in between your legs he knew what was wrong

"C-curly!? Don't look at me!" you grabbed the blanket next to you and draped it over him

"W-what do you mean?! You're literally crying?!" He took the blanket off and stared at you in your eyes, having some trouble not looking at your breasts

"i-i'm just having some.....trouble...?" You felt so silly. here you were, in front of the man you're in love with, sobbing because you aren't able to finish. Curly immediately got what you were hinting at and his cheeks burned a bright red, then suddenly he got an idea

"you can just go..! it's embarrassing for me to be seen like thi-\

"let me help you!" he blurted out, moving his hands to go on either side of your body, his pants growing tighter.... He'd never admit this out loud but he's been craving you...

"Curly..? "

You flinched a bit as he moved his face closer to yours

"Please..? Can i- can I kiss you? "

"... Yeah-

With that he slammed his lips onto yours, it was passionate at first but then turned into slipping as he moved his hips between your legs, his hard on poking and proding at your wet cunt through his clothes. He's been wanting this and he's almost positive you've been wanting this too

"You want me to help you cum, yeah? " ... Well duh, but you weren't gonna out him through and hour or longer of torture since you quite literally can't cum

"Curly you- you don't wanna do tha-

He cut you off with giving you another sloppy kiss, moving his kisses down to your neck

"Why wouldn't I want to? You're beautiful"

... Welp here goes nothing

"I can't cum-! "

".. What? "

"I can't cum.. The meds I'm on make it impossible! It takes forever and I've been here forever trying! Trying to orgasm at least once but I can't! "

.. He laughed- the fucker laughed at you!

"Wha- it's not funny! I'm dying over here and your laughing at me!! "

"Nonononono!! You're just adorable.. It's cute how you think I won't be able to get at least one orgasm outta you... I'll have you know I'm very good at what I do! " he said enthusiastically as he dipped his head down and pampered your neck his lust filled kisses, starting to grind his hips into your cunt, you hadn't felt that kind of feeling in a hot minute so you couldn't help but moan at the unexpected sensation.. Oh he just fell in love.. "Fuck..do that again.. " he bit down on your neck lightly, leaving a small red mark

After a couple of minutes he sat up and unzipped his jumpsuit and took it off and it's not like you haven't seen his body before because you have but you've never seen his dick. Oh my god.. It's - it's massive??? You would NOT be able to take that what so - AH

He fell to his knees and grabbed your legs and moved you closer to his face..

"Is this okay, angel? " he began to kiss your inner thighs and you nodded

He wasn't one of thosen"use your words " guys becuz he knew you wanted it, you were literally crying.

After a couple of kisses planted on your plump thighs he stuck his tongue out and began DEVOURING you like full on munching..

Again. You haven't felt sensations done there in a while due to someone elses manipulation so.. You felt like you were in heaven

"F-fuck! Oh my god.. Uhm.. Don't.. Don't stop that please.. " you were breathing ready heavily, you arched your back a bit as he gripped onto your thighs, his stubble tickling you, his nose poking your clit

This went on for about thirty minutes and he just didn't stop.. You could feel him stroking his cock while he ate you out, him moaning into your pussy made you feel so fucking good

You were sad when he got up.. Your slick dripping down his chin, he looked like a wet puppy

"Why'd you.. Why'd you stop.. Was feeling good."

"Let me fuck you, please I need to fuck you"

That was all he said before he flipped you over so you were seated on his lap, the head of his hard cock poking at your stomach

"A-are you sure-? "

"Am I sure? Of course I'm goddamn sure" he grabbed your hips, lifted you up a bit and slammed you down into his cock

__________________________

He's been bouncing you up and down on his cock for a solid 30 minutes and you were getting tired.. He's came 7 times already, his cum resting on your titties and thighs, but he didn't seem tired at all, a couple more minutes and if you don't cum you're just gunna fake it to satisfy him. It's not like he didn't feel good because he did.. He really did and -

"Ah! Fuck! "

"Oh? Did I find your spot baby? " he's actually been hitting your spot but... You felt like something on your stomach was about to snap

"Fuck- y-yes ngh- keep- ah! Keep going please-"

"Yeah? You're gonna cum for me angel? Mhm.. Just like that.. Let go on my cock"

He moved one of his hands off your hip and began to rub your clit, and just like that you came. Hard.

"Fuck! Yes- ugh fuck fuck fuck! " you wrapped your arms around his neck and hugged him tight as you rode out your orgasm

He fell back while he was still inside of you and you fell into him, breathing heavily..

"You're so perfect.. " he whispered and pecked your forehead..

"Thank you.. Curly.. "

"Of course angel, anytime. And I mean ANYTIME"

You giggled. You could definitely get used to this

HEY GUYS😣😣 THANKS FOR READING!! SCHOOLS BEEN HELL SO I HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING ANYTHING DONE ON HERE BUT AS ALWAYS MT REQUESTS ARE OPEN BUT DO NOT EXPECT THEM TO BE DONE ASAP BUT I PROMISE- I'M TRYING!!

[archangeldyke-all]

can you write something about amab ceo sev and her trans identity and story, i love ceo sev sm she has my whole heart

yeah lets do it!

quick disclaimer! i'm cis, so if there's any mistakes/missteps lmk and i will fix it asap!

men and minors dni

i imagine sevika as one of those people who's just always known who they are. not just in terms of queerness, but like, just opinions and taste and personality in general.

so i think when she was a kid, she likely knew she was trans, just like she knew she liked women. she might not have had the vocabulary to name it, or known that other people feel it, but she never questioned it about herself specifically.

i dont think she would've told anyone, though.

sevika's incredibly perceptive-- she would have known, even as a kid, how talking about the different feelings she was having could upset people, or get her in trouble.

she found the words for what she'd always known to be true about herself when she was an early teenager. sevika's a big reader, and she was one of those kids who wants to know how everything works: from machines to nature to politics to society-- she'd stumble across the complexities of gender identity earlier than most kids do.

but again, she didn't tell anyone. sevika's no stranger to how horrible people can be-- she didn't want to give anybody an extra reason to fuck with her. instead, she just kept to herself, finding comfort in reading as many books and articles on queerness and transness that she could get her hands on.

she understood early on what she was up against, being a trans, gay, brown/black woman in this society. but she never let it deter her.

the second she turned fifteen she got a job as a busser at a restaurant in her town. she saved every penny-- and she worked all the time. besides the occasional pack of gum and pair of socks, the only thing sevika ever bought in was a junker of a car from her neighbor-- only $500.

she repaired it on her own during her free time. (of which, there was hardly any.)

the second she turned eighteen, sevika packed up her belongings in the backseat of her car and left her hometown never to return. it was now that she could finally start living her truth.

with her saving she managed to get an apartment to lease for a few months while she scrambled for a job. for a while, she was bouncing from security job to security job, but then she managed to snag a stable position as a saleswoman.

with her new job she got benefits. a 401k and healthcare.

she started going to therapy at, like, 20. again-- sevika's incredibly self aware. she was laying in bed staring at the ceiling once night, and she just thought to herself 'huh, you know, i've kinda been through a lot. i'm kinda going through a lot. i should... probably go to therapy.' and then she just did.

it took her a few tries to find a good therapist, but then she met a four foot tall little old lady who looked like mrs. clause but cursed like a sailor. sevika fell in love the moment they met.

mrs. clause-- or dr. walsh-- was a no-nonsense, no-bullshit kind of lady. each time sevika would try to downplay her achievements or doubt herself, dr. walsh would throw a crumbled postit at her face and rant-encourage-remind sevika about her strength and bravery.

with dr. walsh's help, sevika started to see her future as something that could be... positive. she'd been so focused on escaping the past, she forgot she could look forward. but once she did-- she was exhilarated.

it was definetly an, 'oh, shit, i can do anything i fucking want' moment for her.

she knew that she had it in her to do it-- she'd proven it to herself time and time again-- now she just had to decide what she wanted to do.

it took her a while, a lot of research and soul searching, but by the time she was 22 she started to socially transition.

her hair'd always been long, but she finally treated herself to a visit to a salon-- getting it styled in the perfect slightly slanted bob she'd always wanted. she made a promise to herself in the parking lot that she'd never cut her own hair again, she was so fucking thrilled with the experience and the outcome. (her stylist was a huge gossip-- spent the entire time telling sevika about her sister's sex life. sevika had a blast)

she started treating herself to more clothes. custom tailored suits for the office-- blouses and button ups and fun silky ties for underneath.

(all the while, she was effortlessly climbing the ranks at work. despite the horrible office culture in a competitive environment like sales-- money talks. and sevika was outselling all her co-workers.)

she found the name 'sevika' one day completely randomly. she hadn't really given changing her name any thought until her eyes glanced over the name in contact screen of a stranger's phone-- but she couldn't get the sound of it out of her head.

at 25, sevika started to medically transition. with a lot of research, both on her and dr. walsh's end-- she started estrogen.

she was thrilled. she knew changes couldn't be seen on a day to day basis-- but she swore every day she woke up looking and feeling more and more like her.

always a gym rat-- sevika's muscular frame started to carry a little more curve.

she smiled for a full six hours the first time she noticed her ass jiggling in the full length mirrors at the gym as she did burpies.

sevika was no stranger to eyeliner having gone through a bit of an emo phase as a kid-- but beyond that she found the sensory feeling of makeup unbearable.

but when she found out that there was such a thing as tattoo-able makeup-- you bet your ass she made an appointment. it hurt like a bitch but it was worth it when she could have perfectly defined dark lips all throughout the day no matter how many coffee cups she sipped from or chicken burritos she sank her teeth into.

at work, sevika had worked her way up so high the ranks that nobody dared to give her shit anymore. and when they did-- she just fired them.

she spent her late 20s dating around. she had a few girlfriends and a lot of flings, but nothing ever really worked for her. it did give her a shit-ton of confidence though.

the more herself she became-- both in her body and in her job and in her bed-- the bigger and brighter her future seemed.

this isn't to say she never had shitty days. she had plenty. some she journaled about, some she cried about, some she boxed about, some she called dr. walsh about. the worst ones she drank about-- though as she was growing up the hangovers were making this one less tolerable.

people are assholes. dysphoria is a fucking asshole. sevika's boss was an asshole. but when she felt close to drowning-- when she felt the grief and sadness and the self-destructive urges creep up-- she just closed her eyes and thought of herself at fourteen-- cooking up a plan to get as far away from home as she could. she imagines herself meeting teenage-sev, telling her all the things she'd come to do, (and all the girls she'd come to do, if you know what i mean, wink wink, nudge nudge) and she imagines how fuckin' proud little emo-acne-riddled-brace-face sevika would be of her.

it works every time.

on her thirtieth birthday, she bought herself a breast augmentation. she loved her tits-- but she just wanted a little more. she wanted to have to wear a bra under her silky button ups, instead of it being optional. but once she got them done she was so fucking thrilled she didn't want to wear a bra under her button ups. (she did, of course, because wasn't trying to cause an hr nightmare at work.)

when dr. walsh died-- sevika was devastated. there were a few months there where she was in complete depression. she made no attempt to find a new therapist-- she took as much paid time off from work as she could, just to sit around her house alone.

but then one night-- sevika swears on her life-- dr. walsh visited her in a dream with a message

'you better get your shit together girl! don't let all my hard work go to waste!'

sevika woke up the next morning laughing and crying, and she was back at work the next day.

she found a new therapist, and she forced herself to make new friends, suddenly aware that the only person in the world who knew her had died.

she started hanging out with some of her more tolerable co-workers, and she was shocked to realize that most of them were... actually pretty cool.

she started taking herself out to dinner-- just her and a book-- just so she could spend more time with herself.

she made it a point to take a vacation once every six months.

and when the ceo of her company stepped down, she was riding on a high. she was feeling good about life, so she decided: fuck it.

and she applied for the open position.

and then she got the job.

and at thirty five, sevika finally felt like she was in her bright future-- not just working towards it.

the night before her first night on the job-- sevika's mind was racing.

there were so many changes she needed to make, so many ideas she had to implement in the company. not to mention the fact that she had to buy furniture for her new office, and find an assistant-- and a good assistant is really fucking hard to come by-- and was she sure she could really do this job in the first place? what if she made a mistake accepting it-- what if she can't handle it--

sevika cut her racing thoughts off, scrubbing her face. she took a second to breathe, then she conjured up little-sev in her mind to give her an update and get a pep talk.

who the fuck are you? little teenage sevika asked, huffing as she had to shove her headphones off her ears.

'i'm you, jackass.'

...woah. we look... hot...

'duh.'

how did that happen?

'moved away, worked hard, got lucky, got rich.' sevika says, watching her younger self's eyebrows rise.

shit... look at our tits!

'i know-- they're great, right?'

fuck yeah. well... whaddya want?

'wanted to tell you we just got promoted to ceo.'

...really?

'yeah. we start tomorrow.'

...us?

'yeah. we're like... kind of a big deal now.'

...woah.

'yeah woah.'

then, just as she's about to drift off to sleep, sevika's mind speaks again.

...soooo... have we met our wife yet?

taglist!

@fyeahnix @sapphicsgirl @half-of-a-gay @ellabslut @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner @shimtarofstupidity @love-sugarr @chuucanchuucan @222danielaa @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther @gr0ssz0mbi3 @ellsss @sevikaspillowprincess @leomatsuzaki @emiliabby

[kissitbttr]

random thought but i just know frat!mig would be a good listener when it comes to tea. so write something about that ??? i love you sm babes💋

you’re so right!! this baby? he’s secretly a gossiper🤭🤭

frat!miguel is the type to know jackshit about your business with your friends. but everytime you spill some dirty tea to him…. he now has beef with a girl named Kiara

“So she blamed it on him?!”

“Yes! Can you believe her?!”

“Absolutely not!”

“Such a selfish bitch”

“Ugh. The worst!” Miguel groans. “So what did he do next then? He did something right?!”

A sigh blows past your lips. “Nope. Not a thing. He didn’t want to”

“Damn. Is he that defeated?” He asks, looking over at you as a sigh blows past your lips. “I know men are stupid but i don’t think we’re that stupid”

“I know!” You exclaim. “He deserves so much better than that crazy ass manipulator but—He told me that it’s probably for the best.”

Miguel frown yet eyes widen before sitting up straight in quick motion, earning a weird look from you.

“The best? Yo, no puedo creerlo—“ He rubs his face up and down in frustrations. “We gotta save him, muñeca”

“Save him?”

“Yes! Save him! That man needs us! We should contact him or something. Ask him out to get milkshakes with us or-or, do you go to the same class with him?”

“Okay, Miggy listen—I appreciate you trying to become someone else’s therapist but we need to butt out. It’s not our business” You chuckle, kissing his temple. “I must say—this really did get you worked up, huh?”

“Um yeah! Very much so! Imagined if it was Glen or Carlos”

You gasp loudly. “Oh i would murder a hoe”

“Exactly!”

[cxsmicbaby]

something nice - 1

CHAPTER ONE OF A SERIES 

pairing : miguel o’hara x fem!reader

word count: 4.1k

warnings : smut at the end! cursing throughout. enjoy :)

you and hobie play a prank. miguel doesn’t like it, but he can never stay mad at you. 

                                                      𓆩༺🕷༻𓆪

“And then... my uncle died.” 

“Mmhm.” The smell of hot coffee grows stronger. It’s mere inches away.. I just have to suffer through this for a moment longer. 

“And I realized. I’m not even real! I’m just a clone of the real Peter. And that totally destroyed me.”

“Oh wow,” I say, nodding. Ben, or Scarlet Spider, continues to go on about his tragic backstory, somehow still managing to flex his biceps as he begins to well up in tears. 

Finally, the spider in front of me finishes filling their mug and it’s my turn. God, if I had to stand in line with this melodramatic asshole for a second longer I think I would’ve tried to cut my own ears off. He’s still talking as I fill my cup with coffee, but this time I’m not listening. It’s probably some variation of the same things I’ve been through, anyhow. I wonder how Miguel is able to sit through thousands and thousands of these things whenever he recruits a new spider. He’s not a very patient guy. 

Miguel. He walks through the lobby at 5:30am, every morning. I woke up early today so that I would run into him. Not like I said anything to him; I walked past him, smiling, and he just grunted. Just about what I expected. But I still woke up early to see him. I feel a little stupid thinking about it. I’ll probably do it again tomorrow. 

“Yeah, Ben, that really sucks. Maybe you should see a therapist.” I turn and give him a pat on the shoulder, smiling as genuinely as I can. He nods, and wipes his teary eyes. This guy cries way too easily. 

I swing off into the main lobby. Thank god, I can be free. I don’t know what the plan is today, but I’m always up for an adventure. 

“Oi!” I hear, and behind me Hobie is swinging forward, his mask already on. That must mean there’s something happening. Regardless, I’m always happy to see him. He’s probably the only person I really talk to here; other than Miguel. 

“Hey! Got anything for me?” I ask, as we land on a free platform. Hobie pauses for a moment before he starts digging around in his pockets, and pulls out a bag of my favorite snack from his universe; unfortunately, it doesn’t exist anywhere else, so I depend on this not-so-dependable guy to bring them for me. 5/10 times he actually remembers it. 

“What’s with the drink? I thought you hated coffee,” he asks, plopping himself down on the edge of the platform. I do the same, and we watch as the spiders swing and climb all over the place, like a jungle gym. Every time I take a step back from this whole thing like this, it always amazes me. Just a few weeks ago, I was stuck in a universe where I was the only one, and now I’m in a place where everyone is just as corny as me. It’s lovely. 

“I do,” I start, taking a sip of it. I fight the way my lips threaten to purse in disgust. “I needed a pick me up.”

“Ah.” Hobie pulls at a loose thread of his shirt and smiles deviously. “Up all night thinking about Miguel, huh?” 

Hobie is far too observant for my liking. There’s nothing that gets past him, which is great for combat, but not great for me. 

I swallow hard, and shake my head. “No. And you should stop saying shit like that! What if someone overhears? They’ll think something weird is going on.”

“Like?” Here we go. 

“Like. They’ll think I’m in love with him or something. We’re just friends. He’s cool. I’m cool. Everything’s cool.” I sound like an idiot, and I know Hobie thinks the same when I hear him laugh. It’s like I’m a fucking teenager again, gossiping about my crush in the locker-room. I hated high school. 

“Cool, cool. Everything’s cool,” he teases, mocking me. 

We’re both quiet, basking for a moment in the odd sort of peace that comes out of this chaotic place. 

Hobie snickers softly, shaking his head at something that he’s thought of. “Heard some of the others talking bout how Miguel’s pickin’ favorites. Guess who’s the favorite?”

I sigh, and down the rest of the disgusting black liquid. “Whatever. I’m not his, uh. His favorite. He talks down to me like all the rest.” 

Hobie is quiet. That’s rare. When I look over at him he’s just staring down, a weird sort of smile still on his face. His fingers are drumming against the platform. 

“Hey, what’re we gonna do today? Please say you’ve got something fun.” 

That seems to get him, because his head perks up and that teasing expression is replaced by one of excitement. Thank god. If I had to talk about Miguel for another second it would not have ended well—I tend to get a little loose with the things I say the longer I’m forced to talk about them. 

“Something fun, eh? I’ve got something fun. But only if you’re up for it.” 

I smile. “You know I am.” 

Compared to a lot of the others, I’ve been here for a very short time. Still, I’ve learned the ins and outs, the dos and the don’ts. Like, do listen to what the higher ups (and Lyla) say. Don’t make fun of Miguel’s tediously slow entrance on that weird platform thing. Do make friends. Don’t be an ass. And for god’s sake, do not pull any pranks. 

The thing about spider people; we tend not to really listen to rules. 

Hobie and I are perched on a bar above the lobby. We’re trying to figure out the best way to go about things. Me, I think he should take charge, but he seems to think nobody really likes him, so they won’t listen. He thinks they’ll all fall in line with my beguiling feminine charms and do whatever I say. I think that sounds like bullshit, but I don’t really wanna do the other thing, so I agree to it. 

I drop down smack in the middle of a group of spider-people in a conversation. Immediately, I put on the most panicked expression I can muster and start running around frantically. 

“Jessica’s gone into labor! I repeat, Jessica is giving birth at this moment! Help her get back home so she can go to a hospital... or something!” I shout, trying to get as much attention as I possibly can. Of course, everyone loves Jessica, so everyone starts rushing to her aid. None of them actually know where she is, but they just launch into help-mode, as Spiderman does. Soon, the lobby is basically empty. Sometimes, I think about how gullible I must be if I’m really just a variation of this same person. 

“Coast’s clear,” Hobie calls, dropping down from above. “We don’t have a lotta time, gotta make this quick.” 

I frown. “We? But you said all I had to do was get them out!” 

“Yeah, that was a lie.” Hobie shrugs and tosses me a spray can. “Now, you gonna help or not?” 

The idea of getting caught spraying painting the building Miguel has built specifically for us makes me queasy. The idea of being caught doing anything that would make him upset makes me queasy. But if I back out now, then I just made a fool of myself for no reason. I don’t mind looking stupid, but it’s gotta be for a reason. 

I sigh, and reach up to tug my mask over my face in case someone realizes that Jessica is not even here right now, and decides to come back. I mean, not like I would really be hiding much, considering everyone knows what my suit looks like, but there’s no harm in it. 

The moment I pull it down, the room is doused in red light and an alarm starts blaring. Fuck. 

“You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me, mate,” Hobie groans, tossing his head back in frustration. “That old man did not just sound the alarm ‘cause we’re pulling a goddamn prank. Might as well do as much as we can before the rest of ‘em come back.” 

That does not sound like a good idea. If Miguel is angry enough to turn on the alarm that signifies intruders, he will definitely not like us continuing in spite of his obvious warning. But Hobie’s already swinging up, spraying bright purple in a strangely elegant ribbon across the walls. I start to hear footsteps, but they’re far enough away that I think I have some time. So, despite my better judgement, I follow Hobie, tagging wherever he’s painted with a green design of my own. Gotta admit, it looks pretty dope. That assuages my fears somewhat and I find myself letting go a little, whooping in excitement as I swing around the lobby. 

Then, I hear it again. Footsteps, but I know these very specific footsteps. Heavy, fast, angry. My stomach drops and I land, turning to Hobie to see he’s still painting away. He probably hears it too, he just doesn’t care. I wish I could be as carefree as him. Especially when it came to this sort of thing. 

But I can’t. In fact, once Miguel actually appears in the room, hair slightly disheveled, face twisted up in an almost scary amount of anger, I freeze in place. God, he’s fucking fuming. His eyes sweep the room like we just painted Miguel Sux! in somebody’s blood. And then his gaze lands on me, and I feel myself shiver; in fear, in anticipation, in... something else. 

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Miguel bellows, and that catches Hobie’s attention. Before he can say anything else, the flake is gone. Typical Hobie. Saving his own ass. I can’t even really be mad at him, because if it weren’t for the annoying way my feet were sticking to the ground I would’ve done the same. 

The alarm shuts off, and the room goes deadly quiet. I’m still staring at him as he approaches me, his chest heaving as he takes deep breaths, probably trying to calm himself down. He needs to see a therapist, I think, but don’t have time to even smile at my own quip before he’s looming right above me. 

“Do you get joy out of causing this type of shit? Out of wasting everyone’s time?” Miguel spits, and I know I’m supposed to be hurt by what he’s saying, but god if I don’t wanna just pounce at him right here, right now. 

So I keep my mouth shut. He doesn’t seem to like that. His fists are clenched tight at his sides as he studies me. 

“You know, if I knew you were gonna be such a fucking nuisance, I would never have brought you here.”

Ouch. That one sort of hurts, so I take off my mask and I look up at him, trying to keep my composure. I frown. “It was just some harmless fun, Miguel. No need to get so mean about it.” 

That was not the right thing to say, apparently, because his eyebrows furrow even deeper. Before he can open his mouth to say something that will probably make me cry, I force a smile and swing up to the wall. 

“And it looks great! Don’t you think this place is too... I don’t know. Sterile? Everyone’s gonna love it.” I hope he can’t hear the way my voice is trembling. When I hear my words echo back to me, I’m relieved to find that I sound quite confident. I’ve always been good at that, faking like I know what I’m doing. I think that’s a Spider-man thing. 

Miguel doesn’t speak. He crosses his arms over his chest and inhales deeply, hanging his head. 

“You are going to clean this shit up. Understood? And when I find that little shit Hobie, I’m gonna tell him the same thing.” 

I think that’s the closest I’ll get to him saying he isn’t really that mad about it, and that’s good enough for me. I swing back down to stand in front of him, and this time when I smile, it’s real. 

“Are you sure? I’m telling you, it looks super—”

Miguel’s eyes narrow and I feel my stomach twist. “Don’t test me.” 

I straighten up and salute him, fighting the urge to run as Miguel’s eyes burn into mine. “Yes, sir!” 

I swear to god, he almost smiles, before he just shakes his head. 

“Don’t do shit like this again. I won’t go so easy on you next time.” 

                                                       𓆩༺🕷༻𓆪

“You don’t let yourself have anything, do you?” 

Miguel pauses. He finds himself looking up at you, despite the desire to remain stoic and focused and uninterested. It’s always hard to do that, with you. 

“What?” he says, his voice slightly biting. He means it to be. He wants to scare you away so you will leave him alone, finally. It’s been mere weeks since you joined them, and in those weeks, you have made it your mission to annoy him more than anyone ever has in his life. It’s like you live to bother him. He should hate it more than he does. 

He should hate your stupid fucking pranks and your dumb, unfunny jokes. But he doesn’t. He knew it was you today, even before he got to the lobby, but for some reason he wasn’t that mad. And then the fact that he wasn’t mad about it made him mad about it, and he was mean to you. He wants to apologize, but that’s not like him. Everything he does or feels when it comes to you is a contradiction to the person he has built himself up as. The whole thing is just so muddled up he’d rather ignore it. 

You sit on a metal box to his left, swinging your legs back and forth as you scrutinize him. Miguel doesn’t like how you always have this knowing look on your face, like you’re waiting for him to discover something you’ve already found out. Frankly, all the Spider-people have that sort of glint in their eyes, but with you it’s different. He bites the inside of his cheek and forces himself not to look away. 

“I mean, you don’t let yourself have anything nice, or fun. The closest you get to letting yourself feel happiness is those empanadas you make me bring you.” 

You smile at him, and he thinks to himself that he wishes you would do it more, but the moment the thought passes he stamps it out with a frown. 

“And even then, you always scowl when you eat them.” You cancel out his grimace with a little laugh that makes Miguel fucking furious.

“You know, it’s not in your best interest to keep talking about this. If causing a useless ruckus is fun to you, then yeah, I don’t fucking do that.” He practically spits it, and swivels his head to focus again on his work. He doesn’t know if he wants you to apologize or if he wants you to just go. Apologize? He’s kidding himself. You would never. 

He can’t help but listen carefully for your movements, wanting to hear if you’ll leave or not. But he hears nothing, and he turns again to see you just sitting there, swinging your feet. Still smiling. 

“What are you still doing here? Don’t you have shit to do?” Miguel asks, narrowing his eyes at you. He notices that his tone lacks the sting he meant it to deliver and chooses to ignore it. 

You boost yourself up from the box and stand. “Not really. Can’t I just stay? I won’t make any noise, promise.” 

Miguel frowns deeply. “That’s impossible.” But he doesn’t tell you to leave. 

You sigh, your body swaying side to side. Miguel thinks its a subconscious thing you do when you’re standing; most people would just be still, but he’s noticed that you cannot possibly remain perfectly in place for more than a few seconds. 

“Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna get some sleep. You should too.” You send him a small wink and turn, walking off toward the exit. You stop briefly, turning to face him with an expression he can’t quite read.

“And, uh. Sorry about today,” you call, and he says nothing. You turn again and he watches you leave. 

Everything has changed since you showed up, and if anything can be taken from his obsession with anomalies, it’s that Miguel hates change. Especially when it seems like there isn’t much changing for anyone but himself. 

It was him that found you. He went on a mission to a universe he had not yet traveled; a rare occasion, because it wasn’t to destroy an anomaly, but because something was telling him to go. It wasn’t like a voice, or even a sense. More like a feeling. There was something there for him to discover and so he went without saying anything, hoping he’d be back before anyone noticed. 

Miguel found you on the roof of a museum. You were sitting on the edge, swinging your feet back and forth, just staring into the streets. You had your mask off, which he remembered thinking was incredibly stupid, seeing as it was still light out. Your suit was nothing to gawk at, nothing too different than the hundreds of others he had seen, but for some reason he knew it was you he was supposed to find. You, he had been called to. For what, he didn’t know.  

You noticed him before he intended you to. When you saw him, you didn’t look shocked, or scared; you looked happy. No one had been happy to see him in a long time. 

“How long you been standing there?” you asked, turning your body to face him. You crossed your legs and watched him approach, staring up at him like he was someone you knew, someone you had been waiting for. 

Miguel was quiet. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say. 

“You know, one of us is gonna have to change.” And you laughed hard at your own dumb joke. Your laugh made him uncomfortable, how truly happy it sounded, how real it felt. You seemed like you hadn’t yet experienced the tragic things that came with being a Spiderman. You seemed innocent. Like you needed to be protected. 

And by god, you were beautiful. The suit didn’t leave much to the imagination. 

The thought startled him and he stayed quiet.  

“Your suit is super cool. Kinda cyberpunk.” You stood and you watched him carefully, walking slowly around him in a circle. Miguel’s eyes followed you, his body on guard as if you were going to suddenly lunge at him. 

“Why aren’t you... surprised?” Miguel finally said, his tone accusatory. But you didn’t seem to notice, and if you did you didn’t mind. You stopped in front of him and stuck your hand out, inviting him to shake it. 

“Welcome to Earth-72, Miguel. I’ve been waiting for you.” 

And that’s how he found out about a Dr. Strange, and how you knew about Miguel already; in fact, you were expecting him. The idea made him irrationally angry. Someone like you, obviously flippant and probably reckless, with knowledge about something as dangerous as the multiverse? You were most likely new to your abilities, to the mask. You were too naive and carefree not to be. 

But Miguel was wrong. You had long been bitten, lost your uncle, your sister, your best friend. You just seemed to lack that bitterness that he saw in the others, in himself. You were happy. 

Like most things, that also made Miguel angry. 

You begged him to let you join the Spider Society. You said you had known about it for a while, and you dreamed of being apart of it, of something bigger than yourself. Your words exactly. He was slightly impressed by that, but didn’t show it. In fact, Miguel wanted deeply to say no. But he didn’t, for reasons he’s not quite sure of himself, and that’s how he ended up with a permanent, relentless distraction. He was starting to wish he never brought you back in the first place. 

If you were more like him, he thinks, he probably wouldn’t have this problem. But you’re not. You’re almost the exact opposite. It drives him fucking crazy.

Miguel shook his head, grunting in frustration at his own inability to focus. It seemed even when you weren’t there, he was plagued by the thought of you. 

And think about you he did, for hours on end, sometimes. When he would lie awake in bed, his body aching from the strains of the day. He wouldn’t be able to close his eyes, because the image of you was always waiting for him. Smiling, laughing. Looking up at him with those eyes of yours. He would find himself imagining what it felt like to be close to you. Your skin would be soft, he knew. Your lips would be softer. Your hands, calloused by years of fighting, swinging, winning, losing. How they’d touch him. How they’d hold him. 

How he would touch you. Make you feel good. Make you think about him, just like he thought about you. Make you want him. 

Miguel always lost himself in thoughts like that, and he was usually able to bring himself back to reality. When he got back to his room that night, though, he felt as though he couldn’t push it down. He didn’t let himself have anything nice. And god, did he want something nice. 

The water ran over his taut back, soaking his hair and running down his cheekbones. One hand, splayed against the tile wall, and the other by his side, just inches away from an itch he is fighting not to scratch. His cock is aching. He swears he can see it pulse with every second that passes, every drop of water that lands on his shaft, veins prominent and throbbing. 

Miguel imagines that you’re there with him. That you stand in front of him, and that instead of the wall it’s you he’s touching, your skin slick with water and sweat. That your hands are on his chest, your nails scratching him just the slightest bit, and god, those eyes, staring into his like he’s the only thing that has or ever will matter to you. 

When he finally wraps his hand around his cock, it takes his breath away. 

“Jesus,” he whispers, slowly stroking himself, gripping so tight he’s sure his fingertips are white. It’s not enough. 

Miguel closes his eyes, and immediately he pictures you. He feels almost guilty to think of you this way, on your knees, with your lips wrapped around his dick. But he can’t stop. His breathing grows heavier as he imagines you taking him deep into your throat, gagging on him, your nose brushing against his pelvis. He thinks about what he’d say to you. How he’d tell you how good you were doing, how perfect you were. He grips himself impossibly harder and is unable to stop himself from relentlessly jerking his cock, his hand pushing so hard against the wall he’s afraid it’ll crack. 

“Fuck,” he groans, his voice breathy and deep. More water drips onto his shaft and immediately he thrusts desperately into his own grip, envisioning that it’s you, spitting on him before you take him in your hand, running your tongue over his tip, looking up at him. 

He thinks about what you’d say to him. He knows he would be too big for you. But you’d try to take him all, because that’s what you do. He’s sure your hand wouldn’t even wrap around his entire length. And you would tell him how big he was, how beautiful you thought he was. You’d probably tease him too, about how quickly he’d been reduced to a mess, how eager he was. He’s surprised at how close that thought brings him, and he has to bite his lip to keep from letting out a shameful moan. 

When Miguel comes, he says your name. It’s not loud; it’s more like a plea, a prayer. His body caves in on itself and he shudders with the force of it, his legs trembling ever so slightly as he tries to bring himself back to reality. He stands there for a moment, trying to catch his breath, feeling a little ashamed at how quickly he finished. He hasn’t had the time to do anything like that in so, so long. He hasn’t let himself. 

He washes himself off and gets out of the shower. 

When Miguel lies in bed, he’s haunted by the thought of having to see you tomorrow, knowing what he’s done. And then he grows angry. You did this to him. And you’re not even trying; you’re just there. What a nuisance you are. 

He tries to close his eyes, but he finds himself plagued by you still. 

                                                      𓆩༺🕷༻𓆪

CHAPTER TWO

[marmotsomsierost]

Physical therapists are nuts, man. Like i knew that before, but she had me walk like six paces to and away from her, had me bend a couple times, did like four reflex tests, one of which was extending my toe against resistance and was like 'yeah it's your L4.'

Then we did ten slightly adjusted cat stretches and some (again, slightly adjusted) pelvic tilts and a hip stretch and then she repeated the toe extension vs resistance and like...

Bro.

*noticeable* immediate difference in strength.

Wtf.

It's been fuckin *years* and i was talking to the physical therapist that i do a bunch of these stretches already and she was like "yeah but you cheat, because you're extremely flexible, so you gotta adjust so you can't cheat. Flexibility is great, don't get me wrong, but yeah, it can definitely make things worse."

She also was like 'you know it's tough because you're over here going 'but my range of motion in my ankle and foot isn't right' and i'm looking at you going 'a lot of my patients half your age can't do that' and you're on the other side of that going 'but i want that back :(' and i was like :( accurate :(

She was like 'we can get it back, i think. Not right away but work at it and it'll work out. HowEVER. Dance, right? Early, right? You gotta- when we do stretches or movement tests or something and we ask 'is that ok' or 'any pain' you gotta recalibrate a little. Any pain means any pain, not eh it's fine or that's just sore etc.'

Me: okay but i do that already, like i started paying attention to the chronic pain scale bc it was easier to pick a number.

PT: can you elaborate a bit on that?

Me: well like when i hurt my back earlier this year i was like compared to my previous max pain, this is like a 4. But i looked at the chronic pain scale and it was like 'it's hard to think and listen, or it keeps me from doing necessary adls' and i was like oh, well, that's a 7-8 then.

(PT gives me a very dubious look, probably remembering me talking about 1s and 2s earlier in the appt)

PT: 'uh-huh. So when we had your knee off there rotating your hip and you said it was fine, you weren't feeling anything at all whatsoever'

Me: ...i mean.

Me: Not like...It felt a little tight but it didn't hurt.

PT, very patiently: did it feel different than the other side

Me: ....yes

PT: that is what i mean by you gotta recalibrate a little, dude.

PT: flexibility is great, don't get me wrong, but when you are very flexible you compensate for things in ways that are not ideal.

Me: is that why you were like 'yeah, as expected' when you had me lean forward

PT: when i said to lean over and stretch down towards your toes and you put your knuckles on the ground? Yeah. You are making a face.

Me: it's not- i mean before my hips started bugging me i could get my palms down. aaand being cranky about that is probably not helping my case regarding the...everything, is it.

PT: that and the fact that you started the appointment apologizing for coming in jeans and not something less restrictive

Me: :(

PT: if i asked you if you can do the splits, would your answer be along the lines of 'not in these pants'

Me: ...i can't do center splits, but the side splits yeah, not in these pants. And it would be highly unpleasant doing so.

PT: ...again, see, when we say can you do X we mean can you do X with no pain or with minimal discomfort. Not 'i'm not actively dying so sure it's doable.'

Me: :(

PT: dance is great because your body awareness is great but one you start with bad habits either by accident or design it's all bad.

PT: you are making a face again

Me: oh. I just- when i started taekwondo Miss Linnell was super exasperated with me for awhile because when i'd take the front stance i would consistently drift back into a fencing front stance and my weight would be settled for the fencing stance not like it should be. She had a similar turn of phrase.

PT: uh-huh. No wonder you got good legs. Stop beating them up to help your back. Because certainly some of this is age related but i would bet if you'd started pt after that stair injury you wrote on the intake form you'd've caught it before it got to this point.

PT: when was that? The one in june was a reinjury, when was the first one?

Me: ...

Me: can i plead the fifth on that

PT: why on earth

Me: 2009 or early 2010

PT:

PT: *tired sigh*

PT: so when you say 'a few years' you mean 'my back pain just got their learner's permit'

[lover-of-mine]

re the does eddie know he can say no anon: i've observed that the show isn't always all too sure about understanding consent is for men too... dr wells, anyone? maybe it's not fair to bring up season one stuff because the show transformed so dramatically in season two, but... yeah... buck's you'll get through it somehow kinda took me out of that excellent scene

I need to put these two together, because you don't wanna get me started on Buck and consent because I will go on for hours and I will piss everyone off because I'll bring up shit no one wants to think about so I choose to rant about that only to my dishes, but at the same time that "you'll get through it somehow" made the "joke" more devastating, because, surprise, surprise Evan Buckley also has no idea what consent means. The whole thing with Buck sleeping with his therapist is wild and extremely poorly handled, but why is sex something these men are just "getting through"????????? Why is the fear of saying no to his girlfriend makes Eddie spend THREE EXTRA HOURS AT WORK AND CONSIDER JUST STAYING IN THE LOFT UNTIL THE RESPONSIBILITY TOWARDS CHRIS FORCES HIM BACK TO THE HOUSE??????? Like? Did he at any point think to himself "huh maybe I should just say no"? No, he did not. And it didn't occur to Buck either to just say "you know you can say no, right?" because neither one of them knows they can say no to sex or sexual advances or literally anything in their lives because they have this fucked up sense of what's right and they're supposed to do and Eddie has this fucked up idea of what it means to be a man and that he can't do things for himself and to Buck his body is just something. The implications of Eddie hiding from sex and Buck and the "you'll get through it somehow" are devastating in the grand scheme of things. It's fucked that the show doesn't deal with male consent more carefully. Because they dropped the ball BAD on episode 2 and never thought to correct that. And this episode with Eddie, now all I can think about is the way that this man's sense of responsibility transfers to sex and he thinks he has to get through with it even if he's uncomfortable. Like, seriously, what the fuck are they doing with these implications? Like, we knew Eddie also had a fucked relationship with sex, he and Shannon were using sex to avoid shit, so he uses sex to avoid shit but this adds such a devastating layer to Eddie's relationship with sex. And it's probably gonna stay as something played out as a joke and seriously here all what the fuck.

[rainyarcades]

GGY headcanons because I've been thinking a little...

==

Greg met Tony and Ellis in September, right at the start of the school year. He was alone and didn't know where to go, but Tony was there like, "Hey, this new kid's lonely. I think we should check on him."

Tony is nice, but also nosy. He likes knowing people, inside and out

Tony finds new kids especially interesting. There's usually more to them being there than others, who just go to the school because they live nearby or thought it was a good school.

This kid, their family, moved here for a reason... Why?

Hurricane doesn't have anything much going for it. While yes, it's the birthplace of Fazbear Entertainment and has the very first, original Pizzaplex, people don't usually move to the town just for that. Parents wouldn't usually do that.

So there's a story there! Everyone has a story.

As for why Gregory's parents moved at all... He has well-off parents who wanted to work with Fazbear Entertainment. Huge economic opportunity. So they moved in from Salt Lake City, you go to Hurricane now my boy

The whole reason Gregory gets glitchtrapped is because of his parents. Karma got them in the end ig....

Gregory is a good friend to both Ellis and Tony. They click immediately, like they've known Greg for years. They know his full name, but Gregory never really went by it back then, sticking with simply Greg (he would've went by 'Gregory' in SB because he forgot he even had that nickname at all.... and while in and out of consciousness before that, even. So Cassie only ever knew him as Gregory)

Rab wasn't around the whole time, lucky for Gregory. He got to know the duo for a few months before that, got close, and clicked super well with them. So he did have a close connection with them before things went wrong, unlike Cassie who he would've gotten less connection with since he didn't really know her (and when he'd met her, he'd just broken free of being controlled for a few hours, with no memory of any events).

Summer came, and Gregory got to test a Freddy's VR game bc of his parents. He would've begged them too, "It's the least you can do for me. You guys don't spend any time with me! Let me come with you to the company building and test the game, pleaseee?"

Something went wrong at the target audience testing. One of the QA testers kept watching him, a blonde woman with green eyes... She was odd, but Gregory brushed the thought away.

That was, until a sharp migraine hit his head, and everything started to go fuzzy from there.

School came back around in September, and GGY happened. Greg acted slightly differently after summer, but it was probably just normal stuff. Right? It's not like there were any stark differences in personality. That's what Tony thought at least, until he dug too deep and... yeah.

To Ellis, his two best friends just went missing. That's all there was, forever, and he just had to deal with that. They were never coming back.

As for Tony, he'd haunt Greg and probably can't quite believe there's life after death

Gregory, at this point, he doesn't remember. So shit falls off shelves, and he hears his name whispered, and he's like, 'huh. must've been the wind... unless, maybe Vanessa's grandma is here? omg Ness, holy shit come here. I think your grandma's ghost is here??"

But it'd get serious when he finds out the truth. When he realises. When he starts getting hurt by this ghost. He tries to communicate (since my Greg is a paranormal believer and Tony owned a DR60 recorder because of him, while Greg owns a REM-pod). Tony is always angry. He's always upset. Gregory finds himself permanently haunted by him.

Rab racked up a few bodies while he was controlling Gregory; therapists, Tony, his parents, and two random kids he didn't even know the name of. Vanny dealt with the rest. Those mostly went to the Tangle, though; Tony was the only one to have a close enough connection to get stuck attached to Greg.

==

That's all I really have rn, idk I wanted to post this somewhere sjhdjbrkfnfm I had thoughts. Many thoughts. I will continue to have thoughts.

[sillystanleystuff]

The new nurse puppet

You were anxious

It's not like you're not prepared, it's just... Anxiety, you know?

You were the new animatronic puppet at the Mega PizzaPlex. Your design was highly based on your older models, probably because of the nostalgia.

Your job is to be a therapist, nurse and an attraction (like everyone else), so you were tested a lot of times (perhaps more than the normal amount)... But now you're here, in your new room, alone.

The room was really comfy, having nice colors that won't hurt the eyes of the little ones, a bed where they could rest and an dress room with a bathroom.

The little place also had first aid kits, candy and everything that the management thought would be necessary. The wall next to your huge gift box (which apparently was your bed) had some drawings made by the children who helped with the tests.

And then you heard a knock on the door.

"You may come in" you said, and so, the door was open, revelling a little girl with a guy from the human staff.

"Hey, Puppet, your first patient of the day is here" he said, apparently really tired.

"Oh dear, what should be the problem, little one?" You asked, in a gentle voice and slowly getting out of your gift box so you wouldn't fright the little girl.

"I... I fell..." The kid answered.

"And I suppose you got hurt. Where should I apply a bandage?" You asked, looking at her with a calm expression. She pointed at her knee and you just nodded, already grabbing the med kit as she sits on a small chair.

"Alright, let's see..." You looked at her knee, analyzing the wound. It was just a scratch, unfortunately it was bleeding a little.

"This will hurt a little bit, okay? But I'll be quick and gentle, I promise" you said with a reassuring voice and face, the girl only nodded, closing her eyes. And so, you cleaned her wound and put a bandage on it.

"There we go" you smiled and grabbed a candy, giving it to her when she opened her eyes.

"You were really brave" you said in a happy tone while petting her head.

As the two of them left, the little girl smiled while waving at you, which you returned, and again, the room was quiet.

'This wasn't that bad, huh?' you thought, with a little smile.

As the day passes, you greeted a lot of children and even some grownups with some little injuries and stress. And then, the PizzaPlex closed. With a little smile, you stretched (even not being necessary) and started putting the things back in place.

As you finished it, you heard a little knock on the door, making you confused.

'But we're closed right now' you thought, and hesitantly opened the door while saying "my sincerest apologies, we're clos-"

It was the Glamrock band, what were they doing here? A lot of the kids talked about them, but you've never seen them in person.

"Huh? They were right, there is a new animatronic here" Monty said, followed by Roxy's "yeah, congrats Sherlock".

People have been talking about you? Thinking about that made you nervous.

"Ooh! Such a cute outfit!" Chica said while approaching you with a big smile "I'm Chica! That one is Monty, she is Roxy and he's Freddy!" She says while pointing at them.

"It's a pleasure to meet you guys, I'm called Puppet or Marionette" you said calmly while looking at them with a soft smile. Chica's eyes looked like they were sparkling, Monty and Roxy started paying too much attention to you.

Oh dear... Did you do something wrong?

"They were right! Your voice is so relaxing!" The Fazbear himself said with a big smile, making you get kinda... Flustered?

Wait, there's something wrong. Perhaps is your programing?

While you were trying to understand what your code was saying to you, Freddy gave you a concerned look.

"Mx. Puppet, are you okay?" He asked, worried. Noticing your silly thoughts made you silent, you quickly nod.

"My sincerest apologies, Mr. Fazbear. I didn't want to worry you" You said calmly, trying to keep your own confusing thoughts to yourself. The gang gave you an odd look. Oh no, you screwed up. Quick, think something!

"I was only doing a little check up in my database, everything's okay" you said in a reassuring voice. Apparently they believed... Well, except Freddy.

"Don't scary us like that, runt" Monty says, chuckling. Chica just tells him to not be rude.

You only smiled at their silly discussion, until Roxy says something you didn't expected to hear.

"Hey, how about you come with us?" You thought for a moment, until Monty says "can you even walk? Like, this entire time you've only been in this dang rope."

Oh dear.

The rope.

"Um... I can't really walk... I can move my entire body, but walk is a bit complicated. Management don't think it's necessary for me" you said, calmly but a bit embarrassed. 'I hope they're not disappointed about it or something...' you thought.

"I can carry you! We could also put you in a cart!" Chica says, excited. You chuckled at her ideas. They weren't that bad actually.

"I'm happy to know you guys would enjoy my company. However, it's my first day here. I think I'll have to wait a little bit to ask management if I can leave this room" you said, already seeing their little sad faces. You felt guilty, but there's nothing you can do-

"I can speak with management" Freddy said, quickly making the others have little sparkles in their eyes. You were surprised and even... Happy? Although, you didn't want to give the bear too much work...

"Don't worry, Mr. Fazbear, I don't to give you all too much work" you say, a bit anxious. You didn't wanted to give so much work to them, even if you wanted to be able to hang out with them. You're just starting, you don't want to ruin everything already.

"Oh, hun... It'll be no biggie!" Chica said with a smile, followed by Freddy "exactly! No need to be so anxious, superstar." You gave them a genuine smile and just nodded.

Just a test fic.

Lmao

[cookinguptales]

guess it's time for the vent post

(note: I will be okay. usually my ketamine treatments help with pmdd symptoms, but occasionally a treatment won't hit quite right and things will get worse for a couple days. I'll be okay, though, I'm just feeling... well, a cocktail of self-doubt, anxiety, loneliness, and overthinking. lmao)

anyway, full disclosure, this won't be a very nice or happy post and is probably the kind of thing I would've posted in a locked LJ entry back in the day but that doesn't really exist in the same way anymore so just bear with me. I need to just. get it out somewhere.

lately I've really been worrying that I'm not capable of being in a normal relationship anymore. like, I was never great at social interaction, but I'll admit that things really took a fucking nosedive after a particularly bad relationship with a woman who. well, I don't think it's a night for particulars. she was an adult and I wasn't. I was very lost, very lonely, and very sick back then, and she really enjoyed being the only person I felt like I could count on.

I... was wrong, I guess.

and... idk, I've definitely had a lot of nights since then (and days with therapists) where I try to sort through how exactly that affected me and my ability to form meaningful romantic relationships. I have a difficult time feeling safe with people. honestly, I did even before her (I had... a very fucked-up home life) but it was harder after. and let's just say that a lot of my friends at the time turned out to be... less than friendly when the shit hit the fan.

so... yeah. hard for me to open up to people in a meaningful way, I guess. like, I can tell strangers about my anxieties, but it becomes harder for me to do once we're friends. and even then, I guess I can trust people with my thoughts but not my... idk, emotional safety.

once when I was pretty tipsy I told a friend that I didn't think I could love the kind of person who would actually love me back, and I still worry that it's true. I allow myself feelings very rarely, and when I do, it's always for people who don't feel the same way.

I never... like... set out to do it... I don't think it's a conscious thing. I fell for straight girls a few times. then bi girls with boyfriends. I did eventually make it to single lesbians, but they always ended up either getting girlfriends, not wanting to date at all, or just not wanting to date me.

to be clear, I don't blame any of them. but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should be blaming me...? like, I never knew that any of them were straight or coupled or uninterested when I developed feelings myself. but I wonder if subconsciously, I picked up on it...?

for a while now, I've been genuinely worried that My Type is girls who aren't into me. :')

like, not consciously. but subconsciously, am I just picking up on the fact that they're not attracted to me? or they're safely ensconced in another relationship? or they are comfortably not dating at all? but either way, they're not looking at me like a potential partner, and I like that?

some days I feel like I've mostly healed from everything that happened, and other days I feel like I'm just going to be broken and fucked-up and unlovable forever. like, jesus christ, have I learned to associate people who actually want me with danger? do I only feel safe with people who aren't attracted to me? is that why that's the only kind of person I ever want to date?

good god, that's fucked up.

I mean, the only two alternatives, really, are that I am just incredibly unlucky or the meaner parts of me are right and people really just don't want a fat cripple with a mediocre personality.

the latter probably isn't entirely true. men are easy, unfortunately, and I'd be happier if they didn't want me.

(and then you run into the special kind of anger that happens when a woman that a man thought was beneath them actually turns them down, oof. guess they thought the girl with the cane would be more desperate, huh?)

and I've been on a few dating app dates with girls who seemed to like me well enough, but like. just no chemistry whatsoever.

is the special spark??? a woman not wanting me???

food for fucking thought.

anyway, I guess I just kind of avoided thinking about it for a long time but I'm in my mid30s now and it kind of feels like I have avoided things for too long now! that's pretty old to have never had a long-term relationship! other than with the fucking creep who wanted to ~teach me about sex~ back when I was young and less disabled and maybe still worth something!

I guess that was uncalled for, but some days I really do feel like there was a window and boy did I fucking miss it. like everyone else had this chance to learn their way around a romance and I spent mine hooked up to hospital wires and texting with a grown-ass woman who fed on youth.

I recognize that a key part of grooming -- and abusive relationships in general -- is their ability to make you feel like they are the only person who will ever love you. I also recognize that these people are very good at finding the one kid in the room who believes at their core that they will never be loved. (or even make it to age 20, I guess. didn't know if the whole intermittent blindness thing was going to kill me or not back then.)

but goddamn do I still feel like she hollowed me out and took all the parts of me that were lovable with her. like maybe she will be the only woman who ever wants me, and that's fucking horrifying to think about.

there are nights where you just stare at the wall and wonder what made you so damn attractive to pedophiles, y'know? I knew enough at that age to shake off the men, but her? didn't even see it coming.

and I suppose there are the worse nights, the ones where you wonder if normal, well-adjusted, not-creepy people never would have wanted you even if you weren't too damaged to carry on a real relationship. like maybe I was insufferable enough without the ptsd. catnip for creeps and not much else.

damn, dude, why am I so good at pulling men who follow me home from the bus stop but not women who actually care about my well-being. that's the question.

idk. I feel like at this point, like... 75% of me has come to terms with it. like, I guess it's just not something that happens to everybody. not everyone finds someone who loves them and who they love in return. not everyone is cut out for that life.

but then I look at my own writing and the way I just keep doing it, I just keep latching onto broken characters who have had the best parts of them hollowed out, who believe that they are unlovable, and I write a story that says no, you're not. Here, I've made someone for you who loves you wholly and desperately, even broken as you are.

and I feel like that must be the last 25%, huh? or at least the part of me that wants to comfort broken creatures, whether those creatures are characters I made up or ones I didn't or my readers or the people I read about on the news or maybe a 15yo kid who just wanted someone to fucking love her.

I want to take care of her so badly now. I want to love her in a good way, not the selfish kind that takes and takes and takes until there is nothing left. But I guess I just don't know how.

I realized the other day that I just wrote a book that I would have loved at that age. Now I kind of feel like I've been writing bedtime stories for a ghost.

I'll be okay. I always am. It's just... a rough night. They come and they have always come and they will always come and all I can do is write.

Just wish it were something more comforting this time. :')

[goodluckclove]

My Medical History: A Comedy of Errors

This is long as shit but since it's finally sort of resolved itself I figured it'd be worth documenting. Strap in, folks.

Me, age 12: I have Experiences

Doctor: You're schizoaffective you need many pills.

Me: Sure, I guess.

Me: Dad I experience these kinds of things being schizoaffective.

Dad, also schizoaffective: Huh I relate to none of that.

Me: Should we look into that discrepancy further?

Dad: Nah.

Me: Mom I forgot to take one of the seven medications I'm on for over a month and felt no effect from not taking it. Is there a chance I'm potentially on too much medication?

Mom: You need to take all the pills the doctors give you.

Me: I'm on more Seroquel than both you and Dad combined and have been since I was 13 is that bad?

Mom: No it's normal and good, actually.

Me: I have nothing to compare this too and if I disagree too hard with you I might be left to fend for myself in the wilderness like a newly-stray cat.

Different Doctor: I don't think you're schizoaffective because you were way too young to show signs when you were diagnosed.

Me, age 17: Oh? What do you think I am?

Different Doctor: No idea. Moving on!

Therapist: You aren't bipolar.

Me, age 18: What am I, then?

Therapist: Probably nothing. It really doesn't matter.

Me: I don't know what to do with that information.

An additional doctor: Yeah, I agree with that doctor you saw almost a decade ago. I don't think you're bipolar.

Me, 26, very tired: Okay.

Additional doctor: You're too traumatized for me to diagnose, though.

Me: Uh-huh. That's - fine. I guess.

Additional doctor: Here are some anti-psychotics though.

Me: These anti-psychotics make me throw up at least once a week can we switch to a different kind?

Additional doctor: Eh I don't know. They're not making you psychotic so it's probably fine.

Me: cool okay

Me: Hey I was on 900mgs of Seroquel from ages 13-21 do you think that could be a bad thing for me health-wise?

A doctor, at some point: It is a medical improbability that taking that much of that medication for that long didn't give you diabetes.

Me: Great. Love that for me.

Me: Therapist I need a diagnostic I'm losing my mind.

Therapist: I'm reading your diagnosis and you actually don't meet the basic clinical criteria for really any mental illness.

Me: ??????? cool

Therapist: You might have ADHD though.

Wife: You absolutely have ADHD.

Me: Can I get treated for ADHD please?

New psych: I can't treat you for ADHD if you're diagnosed as bipolar.

Me: I have had multiple doctors say I'm not bipolar. I have a diagnostic that says I'm not bipolar.

New psych: Someone at some point said you were bipolar.

Me: I was 12.

New psych: Either way. Also this diagnostic you took says you have BPD.

Me in my next therapy session: Hey uh Therapist when were you going to tell me I have BPD?

Therapist: You...don't? You don't have that.

Me: My psych said the diagnostic you sent her shows I do.

Therapist: She apparently doesn't know how to read the diagnostic then because that's - um. Incorrect.

Wife: You need to stop telling new psychs you were ever diagnosed bipolar it's clearly making them biased.

Me: That feels like denying medical people medical information they need for medicine.

Therapist: I agree with Wife actually.

Me: You - really? Fuck. I mean, okay.

Me, in an intake appointment: I was never diagnosed bipolar.

Current psych: Uh okay.

Me: I'm lying.

Current psych: Oh. Oh?

Me (Sobbing): I'm so sorry I'm lying I just lied.

Current psych: It's okay. You're - um -

Me (Weeping, shame spiraling): You seem so nice -

Current psych: Wow. Wow you are struggling.

Few Sessions Later

Current psych: Yeah you could have ADHD. Probably wanna be careful though because ADHD meds can cause mania in bipolar people, so even though you haven't really shown any signs of bipolar or schizophrenic symptoms we should still air on the side of caution.

Few More Sessions

Current psych: Ah yeah you're super ADHD. That makes sense and surprises nobody.

Me, 27, lying face-down on the floor: rad hooray for medicine.

[to-the-stars8]

Learning to Love Slowly

Jason Todd x Reader All Chapters AO3

44-Emotional Maturity and Weird Men

Jason didn’t know how to express that he wasn’t a huge fan of the guy currently hanging around you at the bar. It wasn’t that he was jealous, he trusted you more than anyone else in the world, but that guy—There was something off about him. He looked charming, with a nice smile and eyes that sparkled just right in the light. Hell, even Jason could admit that he was handsome. He didn’t seem to bother you either, from what he could see with your back turned to him, just the kind of small talk that you did with most people you ran into. 

And Jason almost had himself convinced that he was overreacting until you looked over at him when the guy turned to the bartender to say something. Your eyes were practically pleading with him to come over to get you right now. 

Without a second thought, he got up and made his way over to you. Not once when were pushing through the crowd of people across the room did his eyes move off of you, not even when you had to turn away. 

“Hey, baby,” Jason said as he approached you. “You get your drink yet?”

Relief washed over your face momentarily as he kissed your forehead. “Still waiting.”

“Pretty busy here tonight, huh?” Jason looked around, taking a second to look the guy over once, as his hand wrapped around your waist. “Maybe we should just go home. I can make our drinks faster, and probably better, too.”

“You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend,” The guy said suddenly, voice thick with surprise. 

“I tried,” You mumbled, before replying to him. “Yeah, this is my boyfriend, Jay.”

Jason didn’t bother to shake the hand of the guy who had extended his and instead waved to the bartender. He kept you close as he told the guy behind the bar that you wouldn’t need your drink after all, and that he could keep the change as a twenty was put onto the counter. The choice of whether or not you really wanted to leave was thrown out the window as Jason pulled you through the crowd. 

The whole time he had his arm around you as he kept his eyes on the guy who still sat at the bar. You wouldn’t lie, it was hella hot. When the two stepped out into the cool Gotham evening air, he took your face into his hands. 

“You good?” He asked, giving you a once over. “He didn’t touch you or anything?”

You giggled despite the seriousness in his voice because he was squishing your cheeks together. “I’m good. He didn’t touch me, but he asked me some really weird questions.”

“Like what.”

You had never heard Jason sound so dark and dangerous before. It did something to you that you, as someone who may or may not have a deep-rooted love for bad boys, nearly went feral over. Luckily, you kept your composure. 

“He just asked if I lived far away from here, if I lived alone, when I work—”

“He was scoping you out…verbally.” 

You shrugged and said that must have been it. You couldn’t be sure, you tried to avoid conversation with that guy for as long as you could. Somehow, the moment you stepped next to him there was a chill that ran down your spine. You’d felt it before, it was the one where you knew something was going to happen or that the person was the worst of the worst, but you couldn’t explain why. You wondered if it was some type of sixth sense thing. 

“He was just weird, Jay,” You finally said. “Do you think I overreacted? I mean, he didn’t do anything.”

“No. Someone made you feel uncomfortable, and you said he was persistent even though you tried setting a boundary,” Jason said so nonchalantly as he moved you under his arm again. “As you always say, babe, boundaries are important.”

“You sound like a therapist,” You giggled. 

Jason grinned. “What’d I tell ya, sweetheart? I’d throw that emotional maturity back at you one day. Anyway, let’s get home. I’m dying to make a drink.”

[hel-phoenyx]

New Year's Eve, part 15 (we're nearing March but shhhhh)

An ongoing story with @corneille-but-not-the-author and @soupedepates

I'm sat at my desk, like every days since forever. Cops don't get sick leav for emotional turmoil now, do they. Would be better if they did. Less sickos in the police.

Not even in the mood to be snarky. Amandine commented on how scarce my witty remarks (well, she called that insults and sarcasm) became, and the new one, Dal, I call him Dal, is looking at me weird. He kinda is the only one I talk to because he's the only one not mentioning this shitty rumor.

Job's getting hard. I have files after files to take care of now that Sigismund's on sick leave, Walpurgis told me that since I was the one patrolling with him the most this days I had to pick up the slack the most efficiently. Ha. Just try to shower me in work, I see you, bastard.

It worked the first few days. Took care of the investigation with the sect, talked with Iekaterina le Patriote, Found some leads, but nothing tangible. Then the work started to die down.

And I had no one to talk through the idle.

I open my Instagram. Hector has a new picture. It's him smiling with a giant hot chocolate (that man always had a sweet tooth), probably sitting on a stool since his head is at the same level as Tyr's. Tyr who is sticking his tongue at the camera with a bored expression, his prosthesis stuck in the middle finger.

He's wearing one of those silly shirts he always had on at some point. This one is saying "Autistic powered fuck machine". Way to give a message.

The caption reads "Since mister @/deepseadragon didnt want to go suit shopping with me I'm taking him out of his man cave to drink and he has no choice. Getting tattoos at my shop after that #diy #ifoneofmycolleaguestrytotouchhimiwillbite #nohiddenmeaningiswear". Hector, my man, you are so not subtle I am surprise he still hasn't realised you crush on him since literal middle school.

Well, this is Tyr we are talking about, are we ?

Something taps on my desk. It's Amandine. She's looking at me with her cold eyes. Again.

"Slacking off ?"

"Shut up."

"Wow. No insults this time. You really are unwell, huh ?"

I snarl.

"Why do you care ?"

Eye roll. What, really ?

"Not everyone is out to get you, Wolffsen."

She leaves with that. Right. Not everyone out to get me. Like I will believe that.

Why am I alone if it's the case ?

My phone rings. Oh, it's Idalia. Saying where I saw her the first time would get me immediate prison, people don't do well with blackblockers. But we kept in touch after that. Got her out of a few situations before Walpurgis thought I got too lenient with her. Saw her ex-wife and kid once, tired woman, scared child. Neither of them liked seeing a cop. Can understand that.

"Hey, my man, haven't seen you in events in a while. U good ?"

Sigh. Don't want to, but I should probably explain myself before I lose my "mole" card to her. She would rat me out to the whole group immediatly and guess who would get beaten up by former comrades, forget about the fact I'm giving them all the intel they need ?

"eeeeeeeh, bad couple of months and too tired to care. Still giving intel when I can dw"

"Yeah, got it. Need to vent ? what about your friend, the blonde giant you told me about ?"

"giving me the cold shoulder. did bullshit."

"Damn, tough. can lend you mine if you want."

That kid in political science that hates cops and right-wing politicians except for the future one he wants to fuck ? Met him on some barricades, didn't like him at all. He has the good ideas and actions but his personnality irates me.

I have a grim laugh. Not a damn chance.

"HA ! no."

"lmao I'm not listening to you. Have my own problems. But yk what, can give you the contact info of my therapist. Zuza says it's good when people are payed to hear your bullshit."

A therapist, huh...

May be a good idea, after all.

ironic I'll be the first Wolffsen to see a therapist. The older brothers would be so pissed. Then again, I am a cop, so even though I bring money on the table, and a good amount with that, they have their syrian pride. Can respect that. Can also respect being a disgrace in their eyes for anything I'll do. Always been singled out anyway.

Alright.

Let's look in searching for a therapist.

Later in the day Hector's second instagram post shows a tattoo design, a dragon curled against a leg, his head resting on the ankle. His professional account shows the same but with effects and without the second slide, a blonde man smiling for the first time since forever.

[lovevalley45]

#fictober24 - day twenty-nine

"How did this happen?"

original fiction (power payback)

word count: 1358

a/n: happy birthday @ginger-canary! i promised i would send emery to therapy for your birthday fic and um. technically he did go to therapy. also idk if i can do spoiler warnings for parts of my own novel i haven't released yet but this takes place post-SftS and thus kinda gives some things away abt emery's fate (but does not ruin the mystery dw).

Emery had never been a fan of doctors’ offices. He’d spent plenty of time having to pop into one Talent clinic or another - for his leg, for the various aches and pains he had when it got too cold or a storm started to roll in. 

Hell, over the past few years, he’d become a frequent flyer at one near the Vons he used to work at after particularly bad fights. They never asked questions, just checked him out and gave him prescriptions for pain meds that he never actually filled. 

The office of the therapist Dr. Coello had sent him to was no different. 

He sat in the waiting room, staring blankly at the sudoku in front of him. Bea had had good intentions when she told him he should see Dr. Lynwood. He was the type of therapist he should’ve seen after his burnout; Dr. Lynwood’s speciality was actually helping Talents overcome their post-burnout trauma. 

But this was post-burnout trauma, just… many years after the fact. 

She had been concerned that he couldn’t talk about what happened. However, therapy didn’t help with a legal agreement that he wasn’t allowed to discuss what had happened to him outside of a Silver Spade-approved story. That was the price he’d paid to have his medical bills paid, including covering the cost of a nice prosthetic to replace the lower half of his leg that doctors had been unable to salvage. Not that it was ready for him to actually use yet.  

“Emery Gori?”

He set down the newspaper he’d picked up and grabbed his crutches. Figuring out how to live with a leg and a half was no biggie. After all, he’d basically been living that way since he was 15. But he hated the looks that the receptionist gave him, cloying pity. 

At least he still had his other scars covered. 

“Dr. Lynwood’s office is down the hall, second door to the left,” she informed him. 

“Thanks.” 

When Emery reached the door, he just knocked, not wanting to accidentally make a fool of himself. Thankfully, the therapist didn’t just call for him to come in, opening the door for him to make his way inside. 

The office was simple, but cozy. Sunlight seeped through the open window, filling the room with natural light. 

“Emery. I’m glad you could make it.” Dr. Lynwood was an older man, maybe in his 60s, if he had to guess. His long, white hair was tied back in a ponytail. But the rest of his vibe was proper - not uptight, but proper. “You can sit over there and we can begin. Have you ever… done something like this before?” 

“Talk therapy? No.” Emery took a seat on the couch, leaning his crutches against the chair. It was always kinda strange to figure out what to do with his legs when he sat now; there was just enough left of his leg that leaving it dangling over the edge of the couch made him feel exposed. But he tried to clear that out of his mind, to get out of his head about it. 

“Okay. We can start slow.” Dr. Lynwood sat down in the armchair facing him. “Let’s just unpack why you’re here. Such as… how did this happen?” 

Emery tried to weigh what he could say and what he couldn’t. He could be sparse enough and not unpack all the details. “I was abducted and kept hostage. And they wanted to make sure I couldn’t run, so-” He swallowed. “My dad shot me in the leg when I was young. And the bullet never got removed, I-” He tugged down the mask he was wearing. “Yeah.” 

Dr. Lynwood didn’t flinch. He remembered the therapist had dealt with many burnt out Talents; this was probably the least gnarly thing he’d seen. Okay, maybe not least gnarly. “So they did something to the bullet in your leg.” 

“Uh-huh. Sorta… pushed it in more. Pushed it in wrong. So then my leg was even more jacked up than before and they amputated it. Just thought it’d be easier.” 

He scribbled something down in the notepad on his lap. Emery wondered what he had found of such note. “How recent was this abduction?” 

“A month ago? Maybe more like a month and a half.” He tucked his hands in the pocket of his hoodie. “My friend’s mom suggested I see someone because I’ve been having night terrors. Like, bad ones. But I don’t remember them.” 

Dr. Lynwood raised an eyebrow. “You don’t remember them?” 

“No. Apparently I just wake up and try to run, but obviously-” Emery gestured to his bad leg. “Someone has to stop me or I just hurt myself.” 

“Well, you were held captive for- how long?” 

“A week. Around that.” 

“Yes. Even what might seem like an inconsequential amount of time, a week, can still leave quite the impression on one’s psyche.” He tapped his pen against his notepad. “So you haven’t been remembering your nightmares?” 

“I’m not sure if they’re nightmares. Or if I’m just…” He tried to figure out the best way to put it into words. “Forgetting. That I’m not there anymore.” 

Dr. Lynwood didn’t look convinced. He jotted something else down and met Emery’s eyes. “Have you had any other incidents like this? In your day-to-day life?”

“Not really. But I’ve been pretty reclusive since I got back from the hospital. Aside from going in for appointments and getting fitted for my prosthetic, this is really my first time leaving the house.” Emery sighed. “Maybe I don’t need to be here.” 

“If you’re having these terrors, it’s probably a sign that there’s something else going on. We don’t have to discuss the details of your abduction if you’re not ready, but do you… remember everything?” 

Emery seriously considered lying. Then if he didn’t talk about something, couldn’t talk about something, he could use that excuse. Instead, he nodded. “Yeah. Every moment.” 

He wrote something else down into his notepad - yeah, he was gonna regret being honest there. “Would it feel better if you did discuss some of those details?” 

He wondered what he could say - what he was allowed to say. But he thought of one. “I wasn’t the only one. I wanted to get out so bad. Even with my leg, I was going to try to make a run for it. They had tied me to the bed and I had been rubbing at my wrists to try and make a file.” Emery’s fingers dropped down the rash-like scars that covered his inner wrists, under the cuff of his hoodie, grounding himself in the tactile sensation. Trying to remember that it was real, but that it was in the past. “But I heard one of them talking to her. And I knew who it was, she’d gone missing before me. And I knew I couldn’t just leave without getting her out too, but I was gonna barely be able to get myself out. And I felt helpless.” 

Dr. Lynwood handed him a tissue. He felt mildly embarrassed that he hadn’t noticed he was crying. The realization that Misty was there, like it wasn’t something he’d had a hunch about but now knew was true, was something he hadn’t told Haley, or anyone else. He hadn’t wanted to admit that he’d given up there. Misty hadn’t been locked up the same way - no, the methods used to contain her and her Talent had been demeaning in a different way. But he hadn’t known that then. 

Emery, who had made it a point to never give in, whether against his dad or the pain that set in with every step, had given up.

“But you got out. You’re out now,” Dr. Lynwood reminded him. “And she’s out too, yes?” 

Emery nodded. “Yeah. We’re out.” It had been an ordeal, but they were out. 

“And now, you can heal. You can both heal.”

“But healing hurts,” he muttered. 

“You’d certainly know much better than me. But Emery, it’s not something to be scared of.” 

Emery wiped away the last of his tears. “I’m not scared. I think I’m ready.”