#yeah i really cant think of any finn positives

[sunnyinlogan]

Soundbites Mega List

Baldur's Gate 3

!darkurge - "I must resist the dark urge lest it consume my mind."

!dirtythoughts - Astarion. "The norm is to keep dirty thoughts like that to ourselves, but do carry on."

!more - Wyll. "More of those wretched things."

!nofear - Wyll. "Battle favours the fearless!"

!senses - Lae'zel. "Has the tadpole ravaged your senses?"

!strangehole - Shadowheart. "You cant just stick your hand in every strange hole you come across."

!taste - Gale "Mm, I applaud your taste." requested by samadkhan777

!touchnothing - Lae'zel. "Istik! Back! Touch nothing without knowing its purpose!"

!yahoohello - Wyll. "Yahooo~ Hello?" He says this if you blow the horn for Lump the Enlightened and they don't come :(

!wtf - Karlach. "Oh gods, what the fuck have I stumbled into?"

Hollow Knight

!bapanada - "Sigh~ Bapanada" Iselda's best quote.

!bruva - Adding to my collection of ways to say "brother!"

!sha - Hornet is best bug.

Horizon Zero Dawn

!aloyvsflatearthers - "Why would I think that? During eclipses the shadow cast on the moon is curved. So our world is a globe."

!door - "Get me through this door!"

!easy - "See? Easy."

!shewentthatway - "Eh, she went that a-way."

!staydown - Perish yer bloody scrappers.

God of War

!bebetter - Daddy Kratos imparting life advice.

!bloodyhellbrother - Mimir is aghast.

!brother - Mimir says this minimum 140 times in God of War: Ragnarök .

!brutha - now say it with more urgency!

!dontforget - your evil, legendary sword hilt, brother". My favourite quote GOW:R. If you think I'm forgetting something, please use it!

!mimirsleep - "You do intend to get some sleep tonight, yeah?"

!strikebrother - 10/10 delivery. Mimir really did not like Heimdall.

!youreonfire - You can thank Lumin_AU for ensuring I will never forget Mimir. There's a separate !itwillpass command to go with it.

Portal

!burningpeople - He says what we're all thinking!"

!gladosdead - "You may as well get acclimated to the being dead position."

!sailingthroughtheair - "Look at you, sailing through the air. Like an eagle piloting a blimp."

Sonic the Memehog

!dosin - "I'm here to convince you to do sin!" from the Snapscube Shadow fandub.

!imhere - announce yourself with a banger from Sonic Frontiers.

!psychicattack - from Snapscube Shadow fan-dub

!strangeisntit - from the Sonic OVA.

Random Internet Things

!emotionaldamage - Steven He dropping new terms into my vocab.

!horse - TFS Goku giving encouragement

!itsfuckingraw - Gordon Ramsey is not happy

!mmgirl - let me get some of those fkn oats." FilmCow, OMG Cracklin Oat Bran.

!spacemexico - "If this [bleep] goes any further south we're going to hit space Mexico" TFS Freeza.

!shiasurprise - He isn't dead!?

!herecomestheboy - he is here~ from user shar on YT, from june-banoon's original ticky-tock.

!whyareyourunning - Pretty Little Liars.

Animation

!buygold - Corn chip life advice from Gravity Falls.

!compliment - "Every time you compliment me, I get another highlight in my eyes!" Gravity Falls.

!firenation - "Then, everything changed when the fire nation attacked." A:TLA

!homieshelphomies - Adventure Time. Finn being best boi.

!howdoyoudo - Steven Universe. Pearl greeting their Um Greg Universe.

!ifithinkaboutit - too much, I get all soul searchy, and weird". Adventure Time.

!imtough - my whole body is a callus!" Adventure Time

!monster - "You're an irredeemable monster!" from Puss in Boots Last Wish

!secrettunnel - "SECRET TUNNEL~" A:TLA

!takethatdepression - Lucifer from Hazbin Hotel scoring a win.

!youboob - Skeletor knows who the fool is. He-Man!

Community Requests

!tothebar - RDR2. samadkhan777

!daohello - Sandal from DA:O greeting. Lumin_AU

!cottoneyejoe - "Where did you come from, where did you go?" RedNex request by Lumin_AU

Movies and TV

!clevergirl - Jurassic Park. Preferred use is when you notice smart enemies or AI.

!icanfixthat - Sam from Holes can fix that.

!idontlikesand - it's course and rough and irritating…" Star Wars Prequels.

!noteventheyounglings - indeed, they did not survive. Star Wars Prequels.

!notthebees - Nic Cage does not like the bees. Wickerman.

!youcandoit - Rob Schneider offering encouragement.

!sparednoexpense - Jurassic Park.

!spiderman - We need pictures! Weirdly had to grab this off a Simpsons episode.

Song Snippets

!bloodblood - "Gallons of the stuff!" My Chemical Romance.

!donttouchthat - Robbie Rotten says so.

!hycybh - "Have you checked your butthole!" by Tom Cardy

!lootthatbody - from Perception Check by Tom Cardy

!sleeping - "Sleeping makes me ~feel good~." Neil Cicierega remix of Ghostbusters theme by Ray Parker Jr.

!tnt - it's dynamite. ACDC.

!yousuck - from Not Allowed by TV Girl.

Sunny Only

!echo - Michelangelo being an annoying lil bro in Rise of the TMNT.

!lemons - the entire Lemons rant from Portal 2.

!naturesslowestbird - a gif command. Brennan Lee Mulligan mulling over owls being used for letters.

!previously - on Dragon Ball Z~" Makes my spine tingle!

!whereismyson - from A Day in the Park by Brandon Rogers. I made it specifically for my love of BOY in GOW:R.

[angelhummel]

For the remake of the original show, you have been asked which plot you’d completely reverse and rewrite

1) Let Santana come out unforced in her chosen time

2) Let Kurt get into Nyada first time, and Rachel have to reapply

3) Finn generally

4) season 6

Which would you choose?

Okay well if I choose to fix 3 then 1 is automatically fixed so... Two birds one stone! I have to go with number 3

I mean full disclosure if it was just a remake then I wouldn't bother bc I probably wouldn't watch. The actors are the ones that made the show what it was tbh. Anyone else just couldn't do what they did. But if I were able to go back in time and somehow worm my way into the writers' room and RM actually gave a shit about what I had to say, then that's what I'd do!

After typing everything out... This has to be the most wordy rant I’ve ever written at once. What follows is literally 2250 words of pure uncut Finn hate. So please do not proceed if you know you don’t want to read that.

Finn is just such a fundamentally broken character. He was horribly written in canon. Worse than Rachel, and that's saying something. His whole being is one giant walking contradiction

He storms out of the club more often than Rachel does. He was forced to join before any of the other jocks, sure, but he was on the fence time and time again while Puck, Mike, and Matt already made their decision to join and stay. Yet he's constantly praised as the uniter of cliques, the first jock to cross the line and try glee, the one who made glee club "kind of cool"

They say he was the first jock to be nice to any of the "losers". When he was still willing to slushy Kurt in ep 8 - again, after the other jocks chose glee over football. Not to mention the actual slurs he used. Doesn't sound very nice to me

He was always insulting Rachel, even when he was sooo into her. CONSTANTLY telling her how crazy she was, giving her backhanded compliments, was at a complete loss to come up with something nice to say about her besides she's a good singer. No problem cheating on Quinn with Rachel. Even when he thinks Quinn is literally carrying his child, he's fine ogling Rachel right in front of her. And he had no problem leading Rachel on and letting her think she had a chance with him, just to manipulate her to rejoining the club for his own gain. That almost feels like giving Finn too much credit but. It did happen

He only manages to choose Rachel bc he learns Quinn was lying to him. Then the second he chooses Rachel, he gets bored of her and wants to go around with Santana and Brittany instead. He fucks Santana, then lies to Rachel about it for as long as he can manage

And god. Santana. He fucks her, tells her it didn't mean anything to him, then expects her to keep his mouth shut so he can keep lying to Rachel's face from now until infinity. Then flash forward a couple of years and he literally outs Santana. Not just to the whole school, but to the whole entire fucking state. And he's supposed to be the good guy in this situation bc he clumsily tries to make up for this horrible offense that was 1000% avoidable, and entirely his fault in the first place

AND HE TELLS HER SHE MEANS SOMETHING TO HIM BC SHE WAS HIS FIRST. Absolutely NO other reason comes to mind, just that his penis was in her vagina in sophomore year. And that's why he doesn't want her to kill herself. It's been almost exactly a decade since that, and I'm still in complete fucking disbelief. And then he's hailed as the hero for singing the most offensive song on the entire show to "help Santana accept herself" or whatever bullshit they tried to spin. Seriously, I'd rather listen to Mr. Schue sing La Cucaracha on a loop for three hours than try to get through Finn singing Girls Just Want To Have Fun even one fucking time

And back to Finchel bc I'm not fucking done with them. He is the worst boyfriend in the entire fucking world. He shows time and time again that he knows so little about Rachel. He feeds her meat bc he forgets she's a vegan. She literally gives him a list of things she wants for Christmas (which was stupid anyway but) and he gives her a fucking pig when 1) vegan, again, and 2) she's Jewish and pork isn't kosher. Double whammy

And the way he gets offended that she won't consider what he wants to do with his future. When she's been dreaming of NY and Broadway practically her whole life, whereas he just thought of LA like five minutes ago. And now she's the unreasonable one for not wanting to give up her dreams for that? Ok buddy...

And this is all s3, supposedly the middle part of their epic romance. When Rachel loses her virginity to him. Bc her pussy is a consolation prize for being passed over by the football recruiter. And when Finn proposes to her. Bc he literally thinks he has nothing else going for him so he might as well have a wife. And Rachel only accepts bc she thinks she won't get into NYADA and she'd rather have a husband than nothing. And then the second she gets accepted to NYADA she's like "oh right, Finn..."

And then he makes a huge life changing decision for her on his own, without her input. It was the right decision, but she still deserved a say in her own fucking future. He forces her onto a train to NY and then drops all contact with her FOR MONTHS. And then he shows up in NY expecting to just pick up where they left off! He's pissed to see her with someone new! And she straight up tells him (and us) that she HATED him for what he did to her! And I don't blame her. How can you??

Finchel was never a good couple. In the first two seasons, it was all cheating and lying and indecision. In s3 it only calmed down bc all the outside forces left them alone. They had nothing to do with Quinn, Santana, Puck, or Jesse. All the turmoil was coming from the two of them. They never agreed on anything. Even every one of their so called amazing romantic gestures was tainted by something foul. Consolation pussy, marriage as a fallback, etc

And god. Don't get me started on Finn's horrible violent streak. You already know how I feel about this. In the best case scenario, he's kicking and screaming and throwing furniture around. Worst case, he's assaulting people left and right. He beats Puck up twice, constantly trying to fight with Sam, with Jesse, even with poor sweet Joe who's honestly too dumb to be mad at

In s3 he comes close to assaulting Quinn at prom. She's been in a fucking wheelchair for months and he sees her walk two feet and automatically assumes she's been lying about everything and can walk perfectly fine without any assistance. So he causes a scene in front of the whole school, calling her crazy (bc that's the only way Finn can describe women), SCREAMING at her, and grabbing at her like he's trying to pull her out of her chair! That is literal psycho behavior, I don't care how you try to slice it

The Brody fight. I know I don't have to say it. But lurking in a hotel room in order to jump a sex worker is also psycho behavior. I hate him for that. And then bc it's Finn, he's praised as the good guy and Rachel is flattered he did that for her. To "defend her honor". Whereas irl she'd probably be taking out a restraining order on his crazy ass

And then he fucking dies. And he apparently ascends to sainthood. I know it was a tragedy what happened, but oh my god. It makes me sick how they treated this character after he died. There was never so much bullshit spewed on the show than any time they talked about Finn in the later seasons

He sought out Sam in order to find someone worthy to take over the club for him when he graduated. What?! That is the funniest fucking thing Glee ever wrote. He did the same thing with Rory, going up to the new guy and being like "I'm the quarterback :) That makes me very cool!" to try and get them to do what he wants. Like trying his damnedest to keep Sam from singing with Kurt even tho Sam was totally cool about it and also not homophobic. And then Sam gets quarterback and Finn definitely stops trying to recruit him lol. And then they fight off and on for the rest of s2 basically. So yeah. That was certainly a selfless and altruistic mission for Finn

He didn't bother with Blaine in s3 bc he knew there was no point in even trying to manipulate Blaine. He might be the new guy at McKinley, but he was already wise to Finn’s bullshit thanks to Kurt. So instead he just acted antagonistic towards Blaine from the start. Blaine literally only opened his mouth to agree with something Finn said, and Finn is already jumping on him, telling him "this isn't the warblers we don't wear blazers here we're a team" while still holding onto his leader position with an iron fucking fist

He literally intentionally tried to get under Blaine's skin by getting his hopes up for the number in 3x06. He says "let's give the solo to the new guy" and Blaine smiles like he means him. And Finn literally looks right at Blaine when he says "Rory". For what. But of course Blaine turns right around and is like "you can do it, rory!" bc Blaine is classy and not a fucking antagonistic moron

Honestly Finn's beef with Blaine is one of the most insulting. I mean there's no excuse for his behavior towards anyone. But even if you tried your damnedest to excuse him (and plenty of people do) then it's like. "Oh Kurt was coming on too strong" "Oh Quinn and Puck lied to him" "Oh Rachel is annoying and I hate her and she deserves all the bad things" but with Blaine it's literally like. He's the new guy that Finn can't keep under his thumb so he's not even going to pretend to tolerate him. He literally says "I was kind of jealous. Your talent freaked me out" and so that's why he's been acting like such a cunt for two months. And of course the show paints that as totally valid and now it's okay and he and Blaine are besties they even fist bump <3 Like give me a fucking break. It makes me sick. I block every single Flaine gifset I have the misfortune of seeing on my dash

I'm sure there are so many other specifics I didn't cover but I probably have covered them at some point or another in another long anti Finn rant on my blog. Literally everything about his character is handled poorly. Glee shows us time and time again that he's an angry, rude, petty, vindictive asshole with a violent temper who acts impulsively and cares about no one but himself. But they tell us he's a fearless leader, selfless, kind, generous, altruistic, nurturing, and an all around great guy! So which one would you believe?? I know my answer!

I honestly don't know what I'd do to change him. The devil in me says to just take him out completely. The show would instantly improve. Glee is supposed to be about the underdogs. We don't need a six season through line about how the minority kids need to open their hearts and minds to accept and follow the lead of the cishet white male jock

I understand focusing on him in s1. Like I said about Mr. Schue earlier, he's one of our original main characters. And he projects all his childhood missed opportunity bullshit onto Finn. So of course we'd see more of him through Will's eyes. But holy shit. Put him in the background of s2 and beyond

By the end of s1 he did about everything he had to do at least once. I get so fucking tired seeing him have to go through the same bullshit and learn the same lessons over and over again. I don't want to see him be a bigot just to be hailed as the hero five minutes later bc he did the bare minimum to fix his own horrendous fuck up. Same with his bullshit relationship drama. Oh he cheated? Oh he lied? Again? Groundbreaking. I'm on the edge of my seat! What'll he do next?? Oh, more of the same? Ok...

Honestly Finn is one of my least favorite parts of the whole show. I can't even imagine how amazing Glee would be if it didn't rely so heavily on being tethered to this one horrible little boy. If the entire show didn't act like it hinged on the super hero Finn who can do no wrong and is the fucking king saint god of the entire universe. If the show was even half as much up Finn's ass, if he just got fairly reprimanded for the bullshit he did... It would instantly be SUCH an improvement

Obviously every character on this show has their problems. But Finn is the worst of the worst of the worst. Nothing about him makes sense. The character is fucking rotted from the inside out. Like I said, every single tiny thing we're shown vs told is a contradiction. If you just went by word of mouth, Finn would sound fucking amazing! But I have eyes and ears and a brain, so I can see what Finn does and hear the things he actually says. And I know that the Finn we're told about, and the Finn we see, have absolutely zero overlap. And that's why his character is the bottom of the fucking barrel :)

So yeah that's what I'd fix about Glee if I had the power to fix one thing. Thanks for the ask babe! xx

[lavenderek]

Why were you disappointed by the Howl's Moving Castle movie? I think I read the book years ago, but I don't remember much about it

i'm gonna critique the gibbly movie and it's my understanding that it's a special movie for a lot of people so if that's you feel free to skip this one

so i was delighted and enchanted by the book, which has only twice to date not made the movie a devastating letdown, so my dear friend sending me this book was pretty much signing a contract in her own blood accepting that i would be cranky about the movie. i'm not really a ghibli person either, like i can appreciate the artistry and value in them, and i'll watch it if the people i'm with really need to watch princess mononoke or whatever, but i just don't go out of my way to watch them. (i like reading meta about spirited away, though.)

i did go out of my way to watch this one because i loved the book so much.

it's important to remember the culture in which the movie was made as opposed to the culture in which the book was made. howl is welsh, if that says anything to you. (his name is howell, and he adopted the name howl to run from himself and seem more magical. i love him and movie howl had none of those elements except for when he told us he was a coward and i was like. ok lol, i'll jot that down because i didn't see it in the text)

so i'm not necessarily surprised by the creative changes they made, but i am confused, because those changes drastically affect the characterization, the character motivations, and the pacing of the story.

(i also was only able to get my hands on the dub and i loathe and detest christian bale as howl lmfao but that's subjective)

so first of all, does movie sophie, like, want anything? she's flawless as a character. even though she has a completely different personality as an old lady than she does as a young lady, there's nothing wrong with her. everybody is fond of her, she's shy, she's gentle, she's beautiful, and she's kind, and her only motivation in the whole movie is this vague desire to cure the curse, but even then she doesn't work on it much at all. her life before howl is about being buffeted around like a leaf in the wind, and her life after howl is about being buffeted around like a cow in a twister. sophie in the movie is a blank slate. she is insecure about her looks (seriously, they couldn't even give her like a crooked nose or something, only doll-faced, thin, pale women over here), and her confessing this and crying about it for about four seconds was the first truly deep emotional response i had seen of her. i cried when she cried, who doesn't grapple with feelings of inadequacy? then the kid came out and she was like, okay, i'm done being upset now :)

second of all, howl is a little eccentric, but mostly he's just a glorious gentleman who has a messy room and one (1) overly dramatic depressive episode. it was disturbing to me as a viewer because it was violent and came out of nowhere, and it never comes back again lmao. it was so bizarre, he's introduced as this suave, debonair man in a cape, and he stays that way the entire movie, except for a weird moment in the middle where he screams at sophie naked and then lists the character flaws that we the viewers have never witnessed. why does he like sophie? why does sophie like him?

why did they turn michael into a child? i just don't see what that added to the story lmao. i get them taking out the complexity of secrets involving sophie's decidedly interchangeable sisters and their mystery beaus, it's a lot to fit into a little movie; but like, why did they turn him into a child though lmao

there's a lot of fatphobia in the movie too.

the change that upset me the most, though, was that the element of sophie having the ability to influence things without her knowledge was totally abandoned. like i said, things just sort of happen to her. in the book, her hats are the most lovely because she's inadvertently cast spells on them to make whoever wears them seem alluring or mysterious to people. the witch curses her because she recognizes these little spells and believes sophie's trying and failing to trick her (and also because sophie snaps at her lmao, why is movie sophie only an asshole when she's old? leave my daughter alone).

book sophie unknowingly protects howl by worrying over his cape (which she previously shredded because she got mad at him, i love her), she unknowingly enchants the scarecrow by helping it stand and complimenting it. she does that the entire book. she also starts the book already feeling sort of dull and trapped, and spends the story trying desperately to solve mysteries and protect loved ones. movie sophie doesn't like, sit around and knit demurely, don't get me wrong; but all the major plot points are things that howl makes happen to her lol.

i think the scarecrow is an excellent representation of book sophie's inner struggles. it's something she inadvertently enchanted, and she doesn't understand it, so she runs from it. she's terrified of the thing. in that way it kind of stands in for her own agency: only when she was forcibly in disguise did she feel free to find out what she wants her life to look like, and that kind of power is foreign and frightening to her. i loved that for her.

and very late in the book, howl reveals that he knew all along she was under a spell, that he tried to get rid of it out of curiosity (book howl doesn't seem to notice that he's just as imperious and nosy as sophie is), but she resisted it. he couldn't get the spell off. so he assumed she wanted to stay that way and let her be about it. so basically it's very huck finn on the raft, she realizes that in running to get away, she was already away. she had that agency all along.

all of that was missing from movie sophie. the idea of her inadvertently hanging on to the curse is still there, we see that she sort of fades back to her young self while she's asleep (not the case in the book, we know this because howl doesn't know what she looks like until she turns back in the end); but she doesn't seem to gain any knowledge about herself because of this. the only time she seems to have any personal drive, it's to learn about and help howl. her inner struggles are about howl. and i hated movie howl lmao, i hated his design and i hated his voice and i hated how like, patronizing he was to everyone around him. book howl was a condescending dick at times and just weird and distant at others, but he never came across like he was absolutely positive he was seducing sophie at any given moment. it was clear that he was the star of the movie and sophie was just the audience stand in to be like 🤩🥸🧐

the scarecrow who is a prince was the most hilariously egregious moment in the entire movie. in the book, the missing prince is introduced as a plot in the beginning and is referenced repeatedly throughout. and he's a major player in the climax. in the movie, it's the last like five minutes of the film and the scarecrow turns into a dapper boy with bread for hair and is like, "you've cured me! i'm a prince who went missing from a nearby kingdom and i was cursed but now i'm free." and i was like NICE, so we just found out there's a nearby kingdom that has a prince who's been missing. love that for us

the book had a lot of themes that i don't often encounter in fantasy novels - themes of female agency, of disguise, and of chaos. the chaos is my favorite part, every chapter is equally chaotic at various levels. you'll have michael fretting over some spell, sophie fretting over her own spell, howl trying to get someone in disguise to fall in love with him, THAT someone pining over michael, and all the while sophie and howl are bickering because she is cleaning (it seems like she cleans to clean up her mind) and he doesnt want her to (he is afraid of change and of reality), and he needs a huge favor of her, and she needs to wheedle out of it, and she promised calcifer she would free him, and calcifer is repeatedly promising to die of not being appreciated enough, and everybody is having three arguments at once. it's like that in every chapter, culminating in the moment howl and sophie realize they're in love, and they stand clasping hands and sort of smiling at each other in the middle of a room full of panicking and perplexed people just yelling over each other lmfao. surrounded by chaos and no longer thrown by it, rooted there in the middle of it, stabilizing each other in a way. i loved that. i actually flipped back a few pages so i could read that moment again.

and it seemed to me that the movie tried to imply that with visual chaos, but everything else was really quite linear and simple. everything was very airy. and since the conflama and the general atmosphere and character dynamics of the book is what made me fall in love with it, the movie didn't work for me.

tumblr user door pointed out that the book and the movie are extremely different and she appreciates them both as separate entities, and she's wise and correct; i knew this and i tried so hard to engage with the movie on its own terms. but i couldn't divorce them in my mind. i felt the same way about ella enchanted and practical magic. i cant stop thinking like, i wish they hadn't gotten rid of x, i wish they hadn't added this weird element of y.

also it was boring. i checked to see how much more was left three times. sorry. i can't express enough how little i cared about the plot with the witch and somebody's secretly evil boss and time traveling to yell at howl or something, because i didn't connect with the characters. and the feathers growing out of howl triggered my weird phobia about things being embedded in skin. i'm skeeved just remembering it.

anyway, yeah. the movie was beautifully animated and whatever atmosphere they were going for was pretty consistent throughout. oh and i LOVED calcifer. he was my favorite in both the book and the movie. in fact, he was the only character in the movie who they didn't really change, he was petty and bitchy in both versions. i loved him. he's like, "SHE FED ME SOMETHING YUCKY" my perfect, horrible boy.

oh and. book sophie was a redhead. that's all.

after i finished the book i tried to draw how imagined them:

couldn't finish it though, i wasn't super jazzed about how it was coming out.

she's sitting in like, a window well altering a coat of his without permission. and he's like, i guess i'll have to wear this one instead, and she's like, i guess you will

[spookypotato]

Maybe a fic where after Sirius’ ankle is broken initially ( like the first couple of hours after) they think he won’t be able to play again because the doctors thought it was worse than it was and the team are told to prepare for the worst and we get to see their reactions :(

Sorry lol I’m just OBSESSED with your writing, I get so giddy reading them bc they are so so perfect

Thank you so, so much! It means a lot someone enjoys my writing that much. And please dont apologise for giving me good ideas to write and compliments that make my day!💛

Okay, I don't know if this is what you wanted. But I hope you like it anyway! Sorry I took longer than last time. I haven't forgotten about any prompts, I just had a bit of a block.

Characters, again, by the wonderfully talented @lumosinlove! Thank you!💜

The lights were too bright. But Sirius tired to open his eyes anyway. James was sitting next to him. How the hell had he gotten into his house?! Then memories came back, cracking of bones, emergency sirens, a stadium erupting in booing noises.

He was in the hospital. His foot hurt a lot less than he expected, but it was also in a splint at the moment.

As soon as James noticed, that Sirius was awake -or at least had his eyes semi open- he hugged him rather aggressively.

"Mate, idiot, I thought you were dying!", James voice was muffled by the pillows.

"I did tell him, that you would 100% survive, though.", Remus interrupted Sirius thought process.

Not really being able to say anything yet, he just took in the scene he was presented with.

The cubs, off to the far left of his room, had probably just stopped playing a game with Olli. The cards were all over the table and Sirius couldnt even try to guess what they had been playing. But they were all facing him now.

Next to them Kasey sat a bit further away, but clearly in a position were he could look into Logans and Finns cards and observe the game.

In the middle of the room stood Kuny, Nado, Dumo, Thomas and pretty much their whole team. They barely fit into the room.

To the left stood Arthur and Moody, both relieved at him being awake. They had probably been discussing something about the season.

Right on his bed sat James. Still hugging him. Sirius wouldn't put it past him, to just stay like that for the next few days. Lily was sitting next to his bed on the right, reading her magazine. She was clearly not surprised about James' behaviour.

And then there was Remus. Probably sitting the closest to him after, off course James. Right to his left. There was no magazine or playing cards or even his smartphone anywhere close to him. He might have just arrived. Although he did look a bit too tired for that. Remus looked relieved, but also somehow pained.  Sirius didnt know if it was, because of his ankle or because of something else.

His thoughts were interrupted by James, again. "Sirius, are you with us?"

Now the whole room was staring at him.

"Ouais, je suis réveillé.", it came out as a raspy sound. "Can I-", he coughed. "Can I have some water, please?"

James got his water not even a split second after, from his bedside table. He almost spilt the contents over the hospital sheets.

After he drank the entire cup in one go, he put it back next to his bed. He only realised now that there were flowers and chocolate there.

Chocolate- how ironic. No one in a hockey team would ever gift another hockey player chocolate. It wasnt on their meal plan. How long would he be gone, if he was allowed to eat chocolate?! He would be able to play again, right? Panic went through his entire body.

That moment a doctor came in. Everybody looked at her expectantly.

"Mr. Black", she started, "you broke your ankle, and you were in surgery, a few hours ago. I'm glad to see you have already woken up. That's a good sign. I have to inform you however that there were complications with the surgery, so you'll probably not be allowed to leave for at least the next week. Also-"

"I'm sorry, doctor, but that wont be possible.", Sirius interrupted her. "We have a very important game this weekend, and not only do I need to play, but I need to practice. I can stay no longer than today."

I would have been funny, that Sirius Black tried to debate with a Doctor about his body's state, but in this situation the doctors expression seemed to morph into a sad one.

"I wasnt suggesting it, Mr. Black. You will stay here, for at least a week. After that, we'll check on your state and if we decide to let you go home, you'll have to rest for at least 10 weeks to let the bone fully heal"

"But-", Sirius tried to say, but was cut of by the doctor again.

It was like a child complaining about not being allowed to have a certain toy.

"Once your bone has fully healed, you'll need to learn how to properly walk on it again."

"And afterwards I can start practice again?", Sirius sounded like he at least tried to accept his fate. He wouldn't be able to play the whole season.

"I dont think that will be what's happening. I'm sorry to inform you, but at the moment, it doesn't look like your ankle would handle the pressure of being on the ice in a professional state again."

"Does that mean he can never play again?", James asked, his voice sounded a bit shot.

It was only then that Sirius realised again, that he wasnt alone in the room.

"As it is now, no. I'm sorry. It could potentially change, but it is highly unlikely", the doctor told them. Even she didnt seem as neutral now as when she appeared. But then again, all of gryffindor loved their lions. She was probably almost as devastated as any other person in gryffindor.

"Thank you", was the only thing Sirius could choke out. This was all to much information at once.

As the doctor wanted to leave, James got up.

"Cant you bloody do something?! Anything? Please? We need him. Anything?"

The doctor just repeated herself. "I'm sorry, but as of now, the only thing we can do is wait how Sirius body reacts to the injury." With that she left the room, Arthur and Moody following her.

James sat down again. And hugged Sirius tightly and awkwardly, because he was still lying on the hospital bed. "Please tell me if you need anything, Pads.", he whispered.

The rest of the room hadnt said a word until now. Sirius was thankful for it. But they were all staring at him. Waiting for some kind of reaction.

"Guys, I'm fine.", Sirius lied. "How did the snakes game end? I want every detail."

He didnt listen. But he was pretty sure someone explained.

So many emotions were running through his mind.

He was furious. At Snape for hitting him. At the world for making it happen to him. At the doctors for not doing more. At himself for blaming everything else except himself.

He was sad. This was it. His career was over. He would maybe sit on the bench during games, if the team would even let him. He probably wasnt even part of the team anymore. He would be able to come to the first few games. And then fewer and fewer. Until the crowd had forgotten him. Until the team had forgotten him. Until he was just an ex-hockey player, sat in this massive house, alone and unwanted, all over again.

"Sirius.", a gentle voice pulled him out of his thoughts. "Sirius, are you listening?" It was Remus', his hand now on Sirius' arm. As he looked down Loops pulled it away.

"Yeah, no, a bit, sorry." Sirius replied, " I was a bit lost in thought." As the rest of the team almost gave him a another sad look, he added "Just thinking about your new training plans and how exhausted you will all be. Next time you need to show the damn snakes not to mess with lions." This was one of the first times he wished, he could be exhausted with them.

The team didn't laugh. Logan moved his chair closer to Sirius bed.

"Next time we'll win. For you."

"Wow, if I would have known it just needed at hit, to get you more ambitious, I would have been down months ago.", Sirius joked. It wasnt funny. He didn't even laugh himself, although he tried. It came out as a short, bitter one.

The team was staring at him again. It was horrible. He didnt want their pity. He wanted to get back on the ice, now. But he couldn't. He would never be able to skate again. In his life. It was over. Everything was over.

[sparkie96]

24, age difference

“24: I’ve never met someone who makes me feel like this.”

For the first time in a long time, Leon felt butterflies in his stomach. The college student picked up another box and carried it into the ranch style home. He had recently moved out of his dorm, and Ark had moved out as well due to a situation that nearly got Leon and Ark killed. 

And Leon felt like it had been his fault, despite everyone telling him otherwise. Sure, he didn’t lead Curtis Miller on or even show interest, but had he turned him in for stalking earlier, Curtis wouldn’t have broken into their dorm, hurt Ark and then nearly raped Leon. 

Good thing Chris hadn’t been too far from the campus and good thing Leon had been in the middle of a call with him when Curtis broke in. Chris had come from a hang-out with his own companions and taught Curtis a lesson, with his fists, before the cops showed up. The Scientist had been arrested and Leon and Ark had been checked out, Chris holding Leon protectively, reassuring him that Curtis would be going away for a while. 

Sadly, the courts disagreed, saying that Curtis needed help and something like this could “ruin a man’s future and reputation”, having done good work outside of just teaching a College Forensics and Sciences Class. He had been put on house-arrest, but Leon didn’t feel safe and he feared for himself and Ark. 

So, Ark had been moved into Piers and Finn’s apartment way off-campus, but still close enough to attend classes, and Leon moved in with Chris, not wanting to move back in with his mother and worrying her even more. She was strong, but he didn’t want to add to whatever was going on in her own life. Leon hugged Ark and promised to hang-out and game like nothing ever happened, even scheduling to set-up for their YouTube videos. Ark holding him to that. 

Which is how Leon ended up here, after a long truck ride to Chris’s house. He didn’t live as close to the campus as Piers and Finn, but it was still reasonably close. The house was in a quiet neighborhood, the residents needing to use a keycard to get into the community. There was a pool and playground, as well as a sort of Sports Club or something that held the gym, yoga classes and even a daycare center. 

All in all, Leon didn’t picture Chris living in such a normal area. The man explained that it made him feel a bit better and admittedly safer. Normal even, due to how his not-so normal job made him feel. 

Leon was also pleasantly surprised to learn that Chris had two dogs. A very big German Shepherd named Brutus, who stood on guard and watched Leon’s every move. Chris also had a shorter and chubbier English Bulldog named Flash. He was a bit more laid back and lazy, but a happy dog that seemingly loved Leon already, following Leon in and out of the house as he unpacked his things in the main bedroom. 

“Brutus is actually my friend DC’s dog,” Chris explained once Leon got settled in, “But DC and his family are visiting family in Denver and asked me to watch him for the week." 

Leon smiled, having changed into sweats and a sweatshirt, before sitting on the couch. An "oof!” left the younger as Flash dashed at the couch, nearly tackling the college student and sitting in Leon’s lap. Leon giggled as Flash showered him in kisses. 

“I think Flash likes you.” Chris chuckled.

“I like him too.” Leon laughed, petting the dog’s head before looking at Brutus, who simply watched from afar, “Brutus on the other hand…I don’t think he likes me." 

Chris waved toward Brutus, petting the dog’s head fondly, the German Shepherd making a sound of acknowledgement, "He’s not sure what to make of you. He used to be a combat and search and rescue canine for the BSAA, though he was mostly used with human targets. He’ll figure out that you’re not here to hurt anyone and he’ll warm up to you." 

Leon smiled as he continued to pet Flash, accepting Chris’s hands as the man gently shooed Flash away and helped Leon off of the couch, "Why don’t I give you a proper tour?" 

Leon beamed as he got up, following Chris around as the man showed him where everything was. He had seen and known about a lot of this stuff due to how often he stayed over, but it was the first time seeing Chris’s office, garage, basement / family room. He even got to see the pool and the small hide-out shed. Just in case Claire or someone volunteered his home for the next Christmas Party or something. 

"I also kind of, sort of, have a fortified "panic room”.“ Chris admitted sheepishly, "That’s in the basement behind the freezer. That’s also where one of my gun safes is." 

Leon gave a curious look, "Panic Room? And one of your gun stages? How many do you have?" 

Chris gave a nervous chuckle and scratched the back of his neck, ”…uh…maybe I shouldn’t tell you. You would think I was weird, especially if you found out where they were.“ 

"Well, given what you do, I think it would be pretty rational.” Leon pointed out, “C'mon, you can tell me." 

Chris gave a contemplating look before giving a defeated sigh, ”…I have a gun safe in the basement, two in the living room, one in each of my bedside tables, one in the office and one in the shed. I also always have a weapon in reach…even in the bathroom.“ 

Leon blinked, taking a moment to process the information before giving a small shrug, "Well…gotta always be prepared." 

Chris raised a brow and a small smile, "Really?" 

Leon gave a nod, "Yup. So, no one would mess with you if they broke into your home.” He reassured the elder.

That made Chris’s smile even bigger, and Leon couldn’t get enough of it or the man who wore it. Leon couldn’t deny that he kind of looked up to Chris in a way…admired him even. This man was the one he never wanted to lose and he would be damned if he let anyone hurt him. 

…was it weird to inadvertently threaten harm to anyone who dared hurt a man he was only dating? It wasn’t weird, right? 

After another brief tour of the house, Chris and Leon had decided that it was time to start making dinner. Leon felt like they were in sync as he and Chris both agreed on grilling up some burgers and hot dogs for dinner. Luckily, Chris had some ground beef in the freezer and a pack of hot dogs in the drawer in the fridge. He also picked up some rolls ahead of time, thinking of making burgers and dogs earlier this week. 

He and Leon had a grand old time in the kitchen making the burgers and cutting up some vegetables. Chris playfully scolded Leon, telling the younger to stop eating all the pickles or else he wouldn’t have any leftover for dinner. 

“Any preferences on how you like your burgers?” Chris asked, firing up the grill. 

Leon sat at the patio table, enjoying the sun and the nice weather that they had been having recently. He tapped his chin thoughtfully, “Hm…I usually get mine done medium rare.” He admitted, “So, I guess medium rare.” 

Chris chuckled, “A man after my own heart.” 

Leon beamed up at him, watching as Chris threw the patties and the hot dogs on the grill. Flash and Brutus sat at Chris’s feet, Brutus taking on a guard position while Flash stared up at the man, waiting for him to drop some food. 

Leon chuckled, “I think you got yourself an audience.” 

The elder laughed as well, “Yeah, Flash is my grilling buddy because he usually gets something out of it.” Chris looked down at the bulldog, “But Stacy at the vet says I can’t give you anymore table food because you’re supposed to be on a diet, buddy.” 

Flash made a noise that was a mix of a groan and a whine of disapproval, a chubby paw gently scratching at Chris’s pant-leg. Chris gave him a look, and then a smile, cutting one of the hot dogs in half. He blew on one of the halves before handing it to the dog, Flash happily and excitedly gobbling it up. Chris patted him on his head, telling the dog not to tell Stacy. Chris looked to Brutus handing him the other half. Brutus turned his nose at it at first, taking another sniff before gently taking it from Chris’s fingers. He ate his more slowly, only eating a part of it before leaving the other piece untouched. Flash sneakily waddled over and ate the rest of it. 

Chris looked to Leon over his shoulder, “You saw nothing.” he chuckled. 

Leon canted his head with a mock look of confusion, “Saw what?” 

“Exactly.” 

The burgers and hot dogs were done in no time, Chris and Leon having dinner outside. Once the table was set and the grill was turned off, Chris sat across from Leon. They served each other food, talking about what they liked and didn’t like on their burgers and hot dogs, Leon poking fun at the fact that Chris liked relish and mustard on his hot dogs but not ketchup. Chris on the other hand couldn’t understand why Leon didn’t like relish at all. 

“You like pickles, right?” Chris asked. 

Leon gave a nod, digging into his hot dog first, chewing and swallowing before speaking, “Yup.” 

“Well, it’s pretty much the same thing…just mashed.” Chris explained.

“No it’s not.” Leon disagreed, wrinkling his nose, “It’s more like a sweetened cucumber mash with a weird taste and an even weirder aftertaste.” 

Chris gave a playful look of disbelief, “You’re crazy.” 

They gave each other serious looks before breaking out into a fit of laughter, the laughter dying down into chuckles before they both sighed, staring at each other lovingly while they ate. Leon turned away first, a rosy blush on his cheeks and a shy smile on his lips. He felt his heart flutter in his chest and felt like there were butterflies fluttering around in his stomach. 

Unbeknownst to Leon, Chris felt the same, a happy smile on his own lips and a fluttering feeling in his chest and stomach. He couldn’t believe that any of this was real, that this beautiful man loved him and actually felt comfortable enough to move in with him. He trusted him enough to let Chris handle the asshole harassing him. Chris would never let anything happen to Leon. He would protect him. He loved him. 

They looked up at each other once more, “I-oh…” They said at the same time, but stopped to let the other speak. 

“You first.” Chris insisted. 

Leon smiled, “I wanted to thank you…for everything. For always being there and helping me…and with Curtis. I don’t know what I would do without you.” 

Chris smiled as well, a light blush on his cheeks at the younger’s admission, “I don’t know what I would do without you either…I’ve never met someone who made me feel this way…” 

The college student reached over and set his hand on top of Chris’s, turning it over to hold it in his own, making Chris flush an even deeper shade of red, “I love you.” Leon admitted. 

Chris looked up at him with surprised eyes. Though, he didn’t know why he was surprised, he had always sort of known. He just hadn’t expected Leon to say it first. 

He gently squeezed Leon’s hand in return, bringing it to his lips and kissing the back of it softly, “I love you too, Leon.” 

Leon sat up a bit straighter in his chair, a smile that was both one of relief and happiness on his lips. He leaned forward slightly, pulling Chris’s hand to his own lips and doing the same. It was their own little ritual in a way. Their own way of letting the other that they loved them without always saying it out loud. They didn’t need to say it out loud for it to be true. They just knew. 

After giving each other one more reassuring squeeze, they went back to eating their dinners, talking about plans for the upcoming weekend. 

——————

Ao3, Ko-Fi

[elopez7228]

Scenic Route 29/47

Read on AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/18268208/chapters/43229774 

Start over : https://elopez7228.tumblr.com/post/620919089893933056/scenic-route-0147

***

Closing his eyes to savor the moment, Ben ran his tongue along her folds, tasting her, reverently exploring every inch of her body that she would allow—learning what she liked and what made her fall apart.

She moaned as his tongue skimmed just past her entrance, arching her back and melting against the windshield as her fingers clenched in his hair.

He did it again, relishing the fact that she trembled in his embrace. His lips trailed higher, seeking her clit and latching onto it, licking again and again as Rey cried out her pleasure. She arched her back even further and ground her hips against him, willing his lips closer to her aching core.

Her grip on him was compulsive now, her hands and hips following the brutal pace of his tongue, her body on the verge, on the very edge of unraveling. Every lick sent shivers down her spine—when had she ever been loved like this? With so much reverence and not an ounce of reservation...had it always been this way?

Finn had always been sweet, a patient and attentive lover. But Ben, Ben was something else entirely. His instincts were keen and almost animalistic. If she responded in the slightest to his touch, he would latch onto her pleasure and take her even higher.  

Rey felt too much and not enough as the pressure mounted, her clit swollen and her core throbbing restlessly under his ministrations. Words and rational thoughts escaped her as they melted into sighs and whimpers. Even if she managed to speak, she wouldn’t have been able to describe it.

The pleasure swept through her body in waves, starting where Ben had placed his fingers and his tongue and radiating like an electric current to her breasts, her lips, and all the way down to the tips of her fingers. It was the sweetest torture. Her hands trembled, twisting in his hair again to regain some semblance of control.

Control, it turns out, that he wasn’t willing to give her yet. His mouth let go of her suddenly, she lamented the feeling of cold air on her skin.

“No, come back,” she whined, bereft. But he continued to disobey, and when she finally opened her eyes she found him staring down at her with clouded eyes.

He smiled an unfamiliar smile, his lips glistening with her slick as he bent down and kissed her once more.

She could  taste his mouth and the remnants of her own desire, a heady, addictive combination. She drank from his lips greedily, his mouth pliant, ever willing. His hand ghosted along her sex, slipping one, two fingers inside. She arched her back again, hissing in pleasure. This time she ended the kiss, gazing up at him with hooded eyes.

“No more teasing, make me come,” she groaned as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Hearing no discernable response, she looked up to find him smiling again.  Somehow knowing she had abandoned all pretenses.

“Oh no, sweetheart, not now. Not yet,” he whispered in her ear.

“You bastard...” was all the response she could muster before she latched onto his mouth once more.

He shifted beneath her, grabbing the hem of her top and sliding it over her head in one motion. Rey suddenly found herself entirely naked. Reflexively, she moved to cover her chest, but Ben’s hands were quick to stop her. His grip was gentle but insistent, not seeking to deter, but to reassure. Slowly, she let her arms fall back to her sides.

He contemplated her for a moment, taking in her unabashed nudity. Her breasts were small and perky, dusky nipples hardening in front of him like pearls. He didn’t dream of hesitating.

He took one in his mouth, licking a few times before sucking on it, hard. At that, Rey nearly collapsed, heat rushing down to her pulsing core. She wanted to scream. She wanted more than anything to take him, to take all of him and make him fall apart in the same  way he was making her unravel. As he sucked on her right breast, she canted her hips forward, carnal in her own right as she chased the friction between them.

Her efforts were interrupted as he moved his hand against her aching core again—she cried out as he pumped her with one finger, crooking it just so before adding a second.  Finally, she reached out to fumble at his jeans, feeling for the buttons and unclasping them clumsily in her eagerness.

She didn’t bother with the zipper as she reached down and wrapped her fingers around his cock, hard and slick with the evidence of his arousal.

It suddenly dawned on her that this was the first time she had done this in a long time...the first time she had experienced this with anyone other than Finn. Not long ago, she’d been sure that he was the only man she would ever touch again. But here she was, holding Ben Solo in the palm of her hand, hard and aching for her.

She wondered if he would let her taste him, let her take his pleasure as he had taken hers. But that was out of the question for now, because he had her pinned down—quite literally—with two fingers still inside her and his mouth against her breast.

He raised her lips to hers once more, kissing her with newfound tenderness. She melted contentedly in his embrace this time. His soft lips burned against hers.

“I don’t have any condoms,” she sighed when they finally broke the kiss.

“I have one...it should be in my pocket.”

Rey sat up all too suddenly, almost bashing him in the face in the process.

“So you were just walking around with condoms on you? Did you plan on this?”

“No,” Ben shook his head, reaching for her lips again, “I always carry a couple. I mean you never know, right?”

She dodged his attempt to kiss her. “So do you always accidentally hook up with people like this?”

Ben leaned back to look at her, perplexed. She flinched as he withdrew his fingers. “Yeah, so what? I’m a consenting adult, are you really mad at me for having condoms for protection? We can stop here if you want.” he replied.

Rey closed her eyes, making a decision. “No, of course not,” she smiled. “In fact, I forbid you to stop here.”

She licked teasingly along the seam of his mouth before adding, “It seems you have a vested interest in making me come, Kylo Ren...don’t you?”

She swore against all logic that she felt him harden ever more slightly at the mention of his chosen name. He returned her kiss eagerly.

“As you wish...” he whispered.

He rose, shucking off his boots before struggling with one pant leg and then the other. Rey pondered if it was impossible for anyone to undress in a sexy way, like they did in those romantic films. Alas, they were all doomed to hop around inelegantly on one foot after the other.

When he was done he turned to face her, her gaze still on him from atop the car. He held out his hand and she took the foil packet from him, tearing it open and gently rolling the condom over his erection.

Part of her wanted to take him in her mouth, but judging from the way he was looking at her it was not one of his priorities. Instead he helped her lie back, pressing his lips to hers as his fingers searched for her clit again.

“You know what?” He murmured against her ear, “I think we should start right where we left off.”

“Okay,” Rey breathed, not sure what he was asking for.

With almost disconcerted ease, he took her by the waist and pulled her to his chest. She wrapped around him readily, one hand clutching the nape of his neck while he gently guided her body down to where he needed her most.

Rey hissed as she finally took him, relaxing to allow her body to adjust. She felt full, a certain sort of possessiveness washing over her as she tried to take him deeper while sucking greedily on his bottom lip.

“Oh fuck,” he whispered hoarsely. Rey giggled.

He was clearly suffering as he tried to keep still under her ministrations while balancing their combined weight. It only made her straddle him harder as she began to move, grinning proudly at his blissed-out expression and the way his grip on her tightened as his control slipped. She ground against him again and again, chasing her own climax even as she felt him straining beneath her.

“The tent...we can use my tent,” she said breathlessly.

Wordlessly, he pulled out and set her down on her feet. She ran to unzip the tent, pushing him inside as he approached. He landed on his back on top of the narrow pallet, struggling to readjust to a position that would be comfortable for both of them.

“Here, let me,” Rey said pushing him on his back again. She crawled on top of him on all fours, stopping when her sex was  just above his face.

“I want this again,” she said as she looked down at him at him.

He obeyed, placing his mouth against her core again while he gripped her waist with both hands. He ran his tongue along her  folds, pausing to suck at her clit now and then.

He could feel her on the edge again, her hips bucking against his chin, her essence dripping from the corner of his lip, her blood pulsing madly as she rode him into oblivion.

She tasted faintly sweet, warm and pliable against his mouth, his for the taking. He freed one hand to pump his own cock, thrusting a little to take the edge off as he continued to take care of her.

“More,” she whispered, “Go on, make come, Kylo,” she taunted him.

“Not a chance,” he replied, stopping abruptly even as Rey struggled to remember exactly what she had said. “If you come, you’re coming with me. Only with me, sweetheart.”

“You can’t control everything, Ren,” Rey huffed. Despite her irritated tone, her cheeks were flushed and her eyes hazy. “You can’t stop me.”

“We’ll see,” he grinned back, suddenly taking her by the waist again to slide her body down his own. A moment later he was inside her with a single thrust. Rey startled, her shock turning into a soft moan at the fullness of him.

Riding him like this felt like floating in the ether. It left her flushed, breathless, and alight with infinite pleasure in a way she couldn’t possibly describe out loud. She balanced herself against his chest, her hands running down his enviably taught frame. From there, she used her hands as leverage to be able to bounce harder, smirking as she gained advantage. He threw his head back, mouth open in ecstasy, gripping her tighter in protest.

But Rey didn’t stop. She ground her hips even harder, increasing the friction as she ran ran her nails against his chest, leaving angry red marks on his skin. Finally, she contacted her muscles all the way from her back to her abdomen, growing tighter and tighter against him as she sank down, pausing only to adjust to the feeling of having him sheathed to the hilt. From this angle, she was able to rub against him too, setting her body on fire.

Instinctively, Ben reached up and cupped her right breast, pinching the nipple between his fingers.

She cried out, grinding her hips one last time as her body gave in. Her orgasm crashed around her in waves, the tension in her core giving way to an electrifying feeling that shot through her like lighting as her vision went white and her muscles spasmed around him again and again.

Eventually, she was able to blink her eyes open. Ben’s climax had been wordless, but just by looking at him she could tell that he was also just coming back down to earth.  His jaw was still slack, cheeks still flushed, stare still vacant and chest still heaving. She shifted enough for him to be able to gently pull out of her.

Suddenly, she found herself fighting the urge to laugh. She burst into giggles, a sweet cathartic laughter for no other reason than to express the sudden happiness that had taken ahold of her. She curled up against Ben’s chest.

In a reassuring gesture, Ben removed the condom and knotted the top before putting it in a corner. He turned onto his side to face her. He traced her body with his fingertips, trailing along her shoulder, down her arm, and across the delicate curve of her hip. She was magnificent.

Never in his life had he seen a woman who was so beautiful while so thoroughly debauched, her cheeks burning and her eyes sparkling in the dim light. He bent down to kiss her tenderly, and she let him. She let him pull her against him, their bodies fitting together perfectly under the sleeping bag that they were using as a makeshift blanket. She let him explore her even now, as he cupped one breast or absently ran his fingers through her hair. He trailed his lips against the shell of her ear,  the nape of her neck and her shoulder. As he closed his eyes he hugged her tightly to his chest, afraid that she would disappear. As he fell asleep she heard him whisper against her ear.

“Fuck, Rey, I love you so much...think it’s driving me crazy.”

She said nothing, closing her eyes and letting sleep take her too.

Inside the Falcon, BB8 was moping. She needed to go for a walk, not that anyone seemed to care.

[therosevest]

this isnt quite the ask meme so feel free to ignore it but i wanna hear about why u like either stranger things or it (or both im not ur mom)

omg i love you thank u for asking. im gonna put a keep reading on this bc i ranted a lot lmao

ok so stranger things was odd (ha); i remember when it very first came out during that july i was like ‘im not rlly into scifi so idk if i’d care for it’ and my sister was like ‘no, trust me, me neither but i started this and it’s really good’ so i started it while hanging out at her house and was absolutely glued to the screen and then i left and went home and proceeded to stay up until 4 am to finish it and was absolutely SOBBING at my screen. i was enamored by the aesthetic (so many beautiful shots of the fall landscape and a simple 80s wintery vibe and the christmas lights UGH poetic cinema) and i just felt like all of the characters were so fleshed out and no matter how much conflict there was or idiotic things they did i literally loved every single one (except like. Ted and Papa yk??). and they were such good friends and so so funny??? like dustin and lucas had a hilarious dynamic and mike literally going to jump off a cliff for dustin???? being so concerned for will and letting that take precedence over any romances (not just talking about mileven i promise) hello????? el sacrificing so much of herself and her energy for these people because they’re the first to truly treat her with unconditional kindness in her life and they’re her family now??? but they all had SUCH heart and dedication to one another, and i loved that because the boys werent super concerned with like toxic masculinity (not to be #deep like a lot of it was that they were kids but they love each other so much and don’t care when they’re bullied by troy and his gang; they are there for each other and the first season shows how deep each of their friendships run and i love it); like these idiots were big NERDS and so sweet and kind to el, and each other honestly. you know they all had each other’s backs, even when they were mad or bickering. it went against my expectations for an 80s-based show and the government conspiracy aspect was intriguing (despite the fact that i usually get lost with that stuff; same with the sci-fi aspect) and i adored all of the kids and the story was just so tight and developed so wonderfully. i think season 1 was phenomenal and thats where it becomes hard for me as it goes on; im bummed that it’s more mainstream and thus i can only expect them to abide by mainstream guidlines (in terms of how they handle lgbt/minority characters, the balance between plot vs character, how far they will go in criticizing american and other governments), but i do think it deserves the hype. it is a beautiful, wonderful show and i am attached to the characters and the actual story more than i have been with anything else. it easily became my favorite show and season 2 LIVED UP TO THE HYPE it was so so good!!!! i rewatch the first two seasons all the time (i honestly dont know how many times ive seen each season at this point (other than three which i have seen thrice, i believe); i simply adore each and every character and the different teams that form by the ends of the season and i believe that they did very very well with all of this up until season 3 (ive talked about my diasppointment extensively, so im gonna focus on the positive); and we will see how s4 goes.

as for It, i have a lot less background tbh but i still really love it. i remember watching the og miniseries years ago and even though i have trouble watching shows with a big “ensemble” cast (mostly bc the characters arent diverse so i have trouble distinguishing between them), i liked the story and i remember being struck by bev’s storyline. i dont remember why i wanted to see it ch1 so bad (probably because i’d seen finn in stranger things the year before, ngl) but i attached to the characters so quickly. i saw it with my mom and she was like ‘that was awful it wasn’t even scary, it was just corny’ and i was like MAYBE SO but i fucking loved the characters so so much. i said that over and over and over and was heartbroken when i found out upon further research that two of my favorite characters (though ofc its hard to ‘rank’ them when they all have such a special place in my heart) die in the book. regardless, i just loved the kid actors sm and i think i found it especially easy to get invested in the story and the cast because they’re my age?? idk i just find it a lot more fun (which is probably why im still more partial to ch1). and then i went home and found all of the stupid interviews with them and the videos they posted on their own youtube channels and i thought they were so funny and it was awesome that they were genuinely such good friends. again, i dont always get invested in horror storylines but i thought the fact that its really....a love story between friends and ch2 especially has a lot of commentary on homophobia (its absolutely not perfect but yk) because of adrian mellon coming from charlie howard and how they all come from more troubled backgrounds but find love in each other is just the BEST i am such a sucker for found family and i have genuinely not found a better example of that than the losers club. i love them so fucking much. again, im not quite as informed when it comes to It as i am with stranger things, but i still really really love the story and characters and the depth that they all have (except mike/stan they were slept on) (and eddie was deprived of a good gay story and just Happy story but whatever) and yeah anyway im just ranting at this point. i think that stephen king had some... interesting ways of writing this story that make me wary of finally just picking up the book and reading more than the first few chapters (ie You Know, and just... idk i don’t trust how bev was written (but maybe thats harsh of me considering i Havent read it)), but hopefully eventually i will so i can be more involved than i am now. i cant quite articulate all that im trying to say, but i really really do love the story and the kids.

send me asks!!

[rpgmgames]

November’s Featured Game: Shooty and the Catfish

DEVELOPER(S): Daniel ENGINE: RPGMaker MV GENRE: Adventure, RPG WARNINGS: Course Language, Gore SUMMARY: Shooty and the Zaat are a dynamic duo solving monstrous mysteries!

Play the demo here!

Our Interview With The Dev Team Below The Cut!

Introduce yourself! Sure! So my name is Daniel, I guess technically I am an animator. I started out making flash cartoons around 2000 just for fun and became a professional animator in the advertising space around 2007. I have been working in media ever since, both in studios and as a contractor working under the Visitors From Dreams label which is also the label I use for my game development. I started dabbling with RPG Maker in around 2002 but I never got very far. Once I got into the media industry I wanted to pick it up again but with Mac being what almost all my work was done on, at home and in studio I didnt get the chance to actually get into it properly again until MV released, infact I was so excited that I purchased MV the day it dropped and immediately begun development on my first title Flatwoods. Ironically Shooty and the Catfish was developed on a PC, but I digress.

What is your project about? What inspired you to create your game initially? *Daniel: Shooty and the Catfish is set up pretty simply. The 2 lead characters, Shooty and Zaat run a sort of monster investigation unit out of their home. They get calls to different desitinations to deal with different monster problems. I really wanted it to feel like it was set up in a similar way to a lot of cartoons from the 80s, where every episode had a pretty similar but still managed to feel like a little self contained adventure. I have thrown in some little elements of an larger narrative but they are light until the final episode. Originally the series was pitched to Frederator for Cartoon Hangover, it got a little ways into early development but then Youtube changed its algorythm and animation on the platform became a struggle and the project was dropped. I didnt want to waste all the work I had done on the concepts and so I eventually tried to find a way to work them into a game, its taken me quite a few years to get as far as I have with development, but I would be even further back if I had tried to animate it all alone. I created Flatwoods to try and get a small project out, you know, to get some experience with the engine, little did I know how much more I had to learn!

How long have you been working on your project? *Daniel: I pitched Shooty and the Catfish back in 2013 from memory, but it didn't start to take shape as the project you currently see until the last 12 months. In that sense I am incredibly happy with how quickly the game has come together.

Did any other games or media influence aspects of your project? *Daniel: So many things have influenced my work its not funny... Where do I even start? Shooty and Zaat have a bit of a Finn and Jake thing going since when the project was originally pitched to Frederator and thats what they were looking for at the time. Resident Evil 4 (the closest any game has ever come to perfection imo) was the inspiration for the games ammo based combat system. Demons Souls originally derailed the project when I tried to emulate its non linear hub based design (you will notice the demo takes place on a single island instead), that created all kinds of balancing issues though so thats all been stripped back and is what lead to the decision to make the game episodic instead. One element from Demons Souls that remains in the game is a diverse mix of linear and looping level designs when it comes to mapping. The game also features towns that have layouts based on unused maps from the Pokemon GS 97 Spaceworld demo since they never made it into any of the actual games in the series. Pokemon GS also influenced the games visuals. I'm not a big RPG guy, but I played a hell of a lot of Pokemon growing up and Gen 2 is still my favorite. Trying to get MV to emulate the limitations of the Game Boy Color was quite the hurdle, I still cant believe I got it working as well as it is. I also have a lot of cameos from other peoples RPGM games, so there's that. Its a big ol' mixing pot of ideas and inspirations.

Have you come across any challenges during development? How have you overcome or worked around them? *Daniel: Countless, the biggest challenge is always scope though. I originally wanted the game to be like 3 hours long tops, now its well in excess of that and that's before I have even put in meaningful NPC interactions. That's why I have decided to break the game up into episodes, each one should be around an hour which is much more my jam. I don't have a lot of free time so I tend to gravitate towards games that are tight and short, I think that's why I am so determined to keep this game in nice manageable chunks. Now that the game is shorter I don't need levelling so I am starting to tone down the RPG elements. One change always leads to another, but episode one is getting damn close to completion. I say this before I have even had the chance to announce the game's going to be episode on my own blog, ha ha. Episode 1 January, The Great Spore Chore! Keep your eyes out for it!

Have any aspects of your project changed over time? How does your current project differ from your initial concept? *Daniel: As mentioned above a lot has changed, I feel the biggest change was when I tried to move the game from being episodic into one adventure after playing through a bunch of other RPGM games for ideas, it all started to feel a bit aimless and the storytelling techniques I had planned when it was episodic weren't translating well as the game progressed. So I guess now the game is episodic again we have come full circle! So many ideas seemed good on paper but ended up not really being fun or adding anything in practice. Oh yeah, and the transition from Game Boy green to color was a big one based on feedback from the demo. Some people were finding it hard to tell what elements were interactable, doors in particular, I hope that color has helped minimize that issue. Key items will also have an animation on them so they are hard to miss. I'm not a fan of hunting for items in big maps, it's certainly not something I want to subject people too in my own projects.

What was your team like at the beginning? How did people join the team? If you don’t have a team, do you wish you had one or do you prefer working alone? *Daniel: This project has had a few key people involved. Outside of myself I have worked with 2 musicians. One is an old school friend who did music for my animations back in the early 2000's. He has contributed a bunch of really cool EDM which makes up most of the games OST. On top of that there is also a number of optional bosses (one per episode) that have music composed by Secret Agent Ape who worked on Soma Spirits and a bunch of other upcoming games. I have been really lucky to get to work with such rad dudes.

What is the best part of developing the game? *Daniel: I love designing enemy battlers, my process usually involves me drawing a weird shape, sticking some eyes and a big goofy nose on it and trying to come up with a stupid pun to use for a name while listening to bands like Yes or Klaatu. It's bliss. I have a lot of people ask me why I have limited myself in terms of resolution and color palette, and it comes down to one of the important things I told myself when I got into game making as a hobby was that I would stop if it ever started to feel like work. I spend my days doing heavy visual effects and compositing, sometimes doing complex character animation. I want to keep that stuff as far away from my game development as possible. Ironically working within the incredibly restrictive limitations of the Game Boy has ended up being incredibly liberating and keeps things feeling fun as opposed to feeling like more of what I do all day to pay the bills.

Do you find yourself playing other RPG Maker games to see what you can do with the engine, or do you prefer to do your own thing? *Daniel: I always enjoy checking out demo's of upcoming games. Both Heartbeat and Virgo and the Zodiac's demos blew me away from a technical standpoint on the MV front. I still find it hard to believe those demos were made with the same engine I'm using. I guess it really shows what can be done when the engine is in capable hands. I wish I had more time to play actual full releases, I mean Jimmy and the Pulsating Mass just came out and I have no idea when, if ever I will have the free time to play it because its such a commitment. I feel like I am missing out on some great stuff.

Which character in your game do you relate to the most and why? (Alternatively: Who is your favorite character and why?) *Daniel: I guess I relate to different characters in different ways. Slim Grim is the one who hands out assignments to Shooty and Zaat, he is pretty much done with life, over people and the world itself, I think thats something we all have a bit of inside of us. Shooty is a very positive individual, his solutions to most problems is a bullet with a smile, and I think theres a bit of that in all of us as well. Zaats a bit of a cheeky smart arse, so I guess in a lot of ways I am most like her as a person. One of the episodes also features Gerkinman who is and has been a sort of self insert in my work since 2001 so I guess technically I relate to him most... ha ha, but thats cheating!

Looking back now, is there anything that regret/wish you had done differently? *Daniel: I wish I had done a better job keeping the project focused. I feel like a good few months were spent making the game bigger in ways it didnt need to be.

Once you finish your project, do you plan to explore the game’s universe and characters further in subsequent projects, or leave it as-is? *Daniel: All of my games are loosely connected, taking place in the same world. None of them tie directly into each other, im not big on the cinematic universe concept that seems so popular right now, but events in my previous 2 releases and the 5 planned episodes of Shooty and the Catfish are loosely connected in ways people who take the time to look can find. They are also tied into around 17 years worth of animated shorts I have released. I have no plans on stopping now!

What do you look most forward to upon/after release? *Daniel: Well, theres quite a few things... Mapping for all 5 episodes (outside of towns) is complete, so when Episode 1 is done I will be immediately rolling into Episode 2. I am aiming to have an episode out every 2 months which should be doable with so much of the game already finished. I also have a couple of short films I am looking forward to being able to invest some time into, things have slowed down in recent months due to freelance but I am eager to get to animate some of my own work again. I am also eager to see the comments sections on Lets Plays. Both Flatwoods and Hazmat got a bit of Lets Play action and a couple of those have some pretty substantial comment sections. The amount of theories people try to put together for these projects is staggering. I could never write something as entertaining as what the speculations in these comment sections contain in terms of what my games mean, it cracks me up and I find it quite flattering that random people have put more thought into elements of my stories then I have. Makes me want to keep things deliberately vague just to encourage more of it. Lastly I will be releasing all the build files for the project so if anyone wants to make fangames or whatever they have direct access to all of the core files used to build the games. Im a big fan of the concept of a mod community, and while RPGM doesnt exactly allow for that, id love to see people do similar things to my work as whats been done with a lot of LISA fan games.

Is there something you’re afraid of concerning the development or the release of your game? *Daniel: I don't know about being afraid exactly. I am curious about how my business model for the episodic releases will go over. I was planning on releasing them at $1 an episode and $4 for the bundle when it's all complete. I know some people think thats still charging too much, but some people have also told me im not charging enough and that it lowers price standards accross the board for RPGM content. The way I see it if I can cover the costs of Steam and the music I commissioned then I've done alright since this project was for fun, but that's just me.

Do you have any advice for upcoming devs? *Daniel: Just keep at it and set yourself small goals. If your working on a big project break it up into manageable sections. Take things one map at a time, ya know what I mean?

Question from last month's featured dev @overcast-rpg: If you could choose an RPG Maker gamedev to release another game; which one would you choose and why? *Daniel: Oh that's an easy one, The Catamites. I love Space Funeral, it's easily my favorite game made in the engine, and while The Catamites has developed countless games since its release, they have all been in other engines. It would be fun to see them return to the engine after all they have learned about game design since Space Funeral's release and to see what they would do.

We mods would like to thank Daniel for agreeing to our interview! We believe that featuring the developer and their creative process is just as important as featuring the final product. Hopefully this Q&A segment has been an entertaining and insightful experience for everyone involved!

Remember to check out Shooty and the Catfish if you haven’t already! See you next month! 

- Mods Gold & Platinum

[gratiasancti]

100 PERSONAL QUESTIONS

because @ineffablequestion​ decided to really put my patience to the test today . not that i mind , ily .

1. What is your middle name ?

maria 

2. How old are you ?

23 as of right now !

3. When is your birthday?

oct. 19th

4. What is your zodiac sign?

libra waddup

5. What is your favorite color?

i don’t really have one ? muted colours probably

6. What’s your lucky number?

again, can’t say i have one but maybe 29

7. Do you have any pets?

a dod and a horse

8. Where are you from?

finland / uk

9. How tall are you?

174 cm

10. What shoe size are you?

eu 39-40

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

like seven, if you don’t count my collection of riding shoes and boots. oxfords, brogues, wellies, trainers, and the rest are probably heels. as for riding boots, a lot.

12. What was your last dream about?

that i was late from work and got thrown in a tar pit because of it. and then i sold my old history teacher 500€ worth of alcohol and lottery tickets.

13. What talents do you have?

none?? unlimited sarcasm, idk

14. Are you psychic in any way?

i’m not sure if i believe in this stuff

15. Favorite song?

honestly, anything from hippo campus or glass animals.

16. Favorite movie?

the grand budapest hotel

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who counteracts some of my anxiety and excitedness with a calm and, when needed, firm character but is still funny and can be themselves. preferably someone who i feel is my intellectual equal, and we can share everything with each other. maybe a bit older than myself, but not by much. other than that, i really don’t care.

18. Do you want children?

currently, i can’t see myself ever having kids. just doesn’t seem like my thing. especially babies. maybe adopting or fostering could be an option, but only if i was sure i could give the child a good home.

19. Do you want a church wedding?

i don’t think i want to get married

20. Are you religious?

not particularly

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

maaaaaaany times. multiple riding accidents, broken bones, a car crash. then just being an idiot in general. and chronic back problems.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

apart from once forgetting to pay for the underground and getting an 80€ fine, no.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

i’ve met and had dinner with two different finnish presidents and some other ‘upper class’ people but other than that, no. 

24. Baths or showers?

one of those rain shower things

25. What color socks are you wearing?

i have no socks !!!

26. Have you ever been famous?

uhhhh not in the literal sense of the word but i’ve been infamous at school when i was like 15. made a meme of one of our teachers that went low key viral in our city.

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

definitely not in the hollywood sense of things. 

28. What type of music do you like?

a lot of things. anything, really, depending on the time of day and if i’m feeling particularly emo.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

that’s like the only type of swimming finnish people partake in. naked in the sauna, naked in the lake/ocean. so yes, multiple times a year jhdsnhb

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

currently like five

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

either on my back or on my stomach. depends on what place hurts that day lmao.

32. How big is your house?

closer to 400 m^2 . i still live with my parents but will move into my own flat in six months, once it’s ready. that’s going to be appx 70 m^2.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

i know its a bad habit but i often dont have breakfast. if i do it's usually fruit and yoghurt or some toast.

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

yes

35. Have you ever tried archery?

yes. fun fact; my cousin has won the european championchip ( in some form of archery idk ) like twice , i think. 

36. Favorite clean word?

defenestrate

37. Favorite swear word?

fuck. i use it Too Much™

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

can’t remember the exact amount of hours but we were sailing and our shifts got messed up to the point where i had either not slept at all or slept so little in like four days i was genuinely hallucinating. almost jumped into the sea because i thought i dropped my life vest,,, which i was wearing.

39. Do you have any scars?

a few. dumbest one probably when i rode in my shorts but used a saddle and rubbed the skin off of my calf. also from hay work, those little dots that look almost like moles.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

not that i know of

41. Are you a good liar?

yes, unfortunately. it’s a bad habit in the sense that i tell a lot of white lies when i could genuinely tell the truth with no consequence. like, it would be the one and the same.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

also yes. i’ve seen some shit. also i have surprisingly good people skills.

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

i can speak english in my normal accent which is kind of queen’s english (?) upper class idk, then in world’s english ( so basically no accent / neutral ) and then in finnish (rally) english .  i can also speak swedish with a rikssvenska (standard swedish ???) accent and then finlandssvenska which is finnish swedish (and an actual thing lmao). also i can butcher a norwegian or danish accent in swedish if i really try. my finnish is very neutral, but it does vary a bit depending on what city i’m in.

oh, and also a shitty southern american accent. 

44. Do you have a strong accent?

if i let it shine through, yes, but i tend toward world english because anything else scares finns. but when i speak finnish (which is most of the time) i don’t really have an accent. maybe you can hear that i’m not 100% finnish but that’s about it.

45. What is your favorite accent?

i don’t really have one ! all accents are really fascinating.

46. What is your personality type?

entj-a

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

i have a few expensive dresses, and then of course my riding clothes which cost ridiculous amounts of money because fuck everyone who likes horses, i guess. like excuse me but why is it normalised that you pay over 1000€ for a helmet??? anything less and you’re a peasant.

48. Can you curl your tongue?

mmmmyeah. 

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie!

50. Left or right handed?

pretty much ambidextrous, though i prefer to write with my left but do everything else mostly with my right. my handwriting doesn’t differ too much from left to write.

51. Are you scared of spiders?

yes. ew. and we’re lucky to only have tiny ones in finland !

52. Favorite food?

ummmmm. currently carelian pie maybe?? idk such a good snack.

53. Favorite foreign food?

squints??? sushi????

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

depends. often too lazy to clean but incredibly stressed and uncomfortable when its messy. meticulous about all the wrong things.

55. Most used phrase?

either some form of keysmash or “FUCK”. also in finnish either “voi jumalauta” or “voi saatana” which both basically translate to “jesus fucking christ”.

56. Most used word?

also fuck. this really must say something about me smdh.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

really depends. sometimes 10 minutes, sometimes two hours. on a normal day w/ shower and moderate make up, 15-25 minutes.

58. Do you have much of an ego?

depends really. i hope i don’t!

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

whomst the FUCK bites lollipops ?!?!?!

60. Do you talk to yourself?

i’ve only recently started. it’s terrifying.

61. Do you sing to yourself?

when driving if i’m listening to music, yeah

62. Are you a good singer?

honestly, no clue. i don’t really sing in front of people so i haven’t gotten opinions.

63. Biggest Fear?

failure.

64. Are you a gossip?

not about my friends, ever. but i will definitely listen to any tea you want to spill.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

idk does kingsman count as dramatic?? the first one was hilarious.

66. Do you like long or short hair?

both have their perks!

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

LMAO i can name like 3 if i really try.

68. Favorite school subject?

history, english lang & lit, economics.

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

extrovert but i get tired easily

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

yes ! we go to the maldives once in a while, because finland doesn’t offer much in terms of diving sites.

71. What makes you nervous?

not a lot of things? i guess some responsibilities. things left for me to do even if someone else was supposed to do them.

72. Are you scared of the dark?

a dark room ? no. a dark forest at midnight ? hell yess. finnish winter darkness is terrifying simply because its so depressing. seasonal depression is real yall.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

depends. if it’s a trivial mistake and they haven’t asked to be corrected, no. if it makes me or someone else feel bad or just makes any situation worse, then yes. but never unkindly.

74. Are you ticklish?

YES. ugh

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

no. i can’t recall doing so, at least. but i have participated in spreading them.

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

yes. at work a couple of times simply out of necessity and also when i took part in MEP. was committee president twice and president of the general assembly once. though idk if that counts since i was like 17 and its all p much play pretend.

oh! and also when i captain our boat. but again, idk if that counts.

77. Have you ever drank underage?

yeah, ever since i was like 16 :/

78. Have you ever done drugs?

no, and never will. not my thing !!

79. Who was your first real crush?

probably a boy from class. i can’t remember, really. i’ve never been too  ‘romantically inclined’ i  suppose.

80. How many piercings do you have?

just my ears, once.

81. Can you roll your Rs?

almost every r in the finnish language is technically rolled so yeah. i feel bad for those finnish people who cant !! makes everything so hard.

82. How fast can you type?

according to this thing 75 words per minute on my first try, so idk how accurate that is.

83. How fast can you run?

not fast. i  hate running, and am very out of practice. 

84. What color is your hair?

idk ? like, light brown ?

85. What color are your eyes?

again, idk. blue/green/grey

86. What are you allergic to?

dogs, cats, birch, and almost anything that flowers in the spring jshbdsjh

87. Do you keep a journal?

not a journal per se but i have a ‘little black book’ which i keep rather meticulously about my thoughts on the day, important things i need to remember, my expenses etc. a habit inherited from my dad. i’ve gone through like six of these in the past few years.

88. What do your parents do?

my mum is a mayor and my dad is a ceo

89. Do you like your age?

yeah !

90. What makes you angry?

injustice.

91. Do you like your own name?

yes !

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

ksjdsjhb no. at this rate i’d end up naming a child crowley or sum shit

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

i don’t want kids but if i did gender would be a non issue

94. What are you strengths?

lmao i have good people skills, work well under pressure, get along with everyone, am determined and ?? a good leader??? idk

95. What are your weaknesses?

i take on too much responsibility, i have anxiety and depression, i get frustrated at my own failures, i’m very self-critical and unforgiving. also no self-control when it comes to rp.

96. How did you get your name?

i think somewhere from my dad’s side, not entirely sure.

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

possibly? not sure. but fun fact! a great great grandmother (? or something of the sorts) from my mother’s side actually survived the sinking of the titanic.

98. Do you have any scars?

wasn’t this asked already?

99. Color of your bedspread?

this blue mandala like pattern idk

100. Color of your room?

white and a very mellow blue

[wasneeplus]

Responding to the Alt-Right playbook, part 1

Disclaimer: I wrote this after seeing the first four minutes of the video. While watching the rest I noticed a few things I bring up are addressed later, though in such a way as to lead to even more questions. Still, I think most of it stands, and it’s still useful as a kind of stream of consciousness response, so I’ll leave it untouched.

Sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning when I just finished reading my newspaper, I will enjoy myself with a few infuriating youtube videos. Lately I’ve been quite disillusioned by the part of youtube calling itself liberal spouting nationalist propaganda at my beloved European project, so I’ve switched to some corners of the website which are friendlier to my blood pressure. That’s how I came across a video called "The Alt-Right Playbook: The Card Says Moops” by Innuendo Studios. Apparently he is somewhat of a big deal with his 150k plus subscribers, though I never heard of him. Just two minutes into the video though I knew I was going to write this response. While it didn’t make me angry the way I might have been in the past, there’s just so much wrong here, I cant bottle this up any longer.

Say, for the sake of argument, you’re online blogging about a black journalists’ commentary on marketing trends in video games, movies and comic books and you’re saying how the vitriol in response to her fairly benign opinions reveals the deep seated racism and misogyny in a number of fan communities, most especially those that lean right,...

Quite an unlikely scenario since I’m not in the business of assuming ones leanings on race, gender or politics based on their opinions on movies, games or comic books, but let’s roll with it I guess.

...When a right leaning commenter pops in to say: “Or maybe they just actually disagree with her about marketing trends! For Christs sake, there’s no mystery here. People aren’t speaking in coded language. They are telling you wat they believe. She had a bad opinion. Why do you have to make it bigger than that? Why can’t you ever take people at their word?”

Here’s where I feel validated in making this response, because while I don’t consider myself right leaning, as hard as that might be to believe for some, this is exactly the kind of response I might have given. So props to Innuendo Studios for accurately portraying an argument of one of his opponents. Unfortunately he then continues:

You pause and ponder this for a moment. Hmmm. Uh heck with it! You’re in a discoursing mood. Let’s do this! Mister conservative, in order for me to take you at your word your words would have to show some consistency. Let me just lightning-round a few questions about the reactionary web’s positions on marketing trends.

The first major problem should be obvious to anyone right about now. How is anyone supposed to answer for the “reactionary web”? Hell, I don’t even know what that’s supposed to be. The caricature in the video wears a 4chan logo on its chest, so maybe he’s referring to the /pol/ imageboard. Well, I don’t hang out there, and I’m pretty sure most of the people who would have been critical of that opinion piece don’t either. Therefore I feel justified in ignoring that particular remark and just give my own answers to these questions. After all:  the people on /pol/ are clearly not the only ones he’s talking to at this point.

Do you believe that having the option to romance same sex characters in an rpg turns the game into queer propaganda...

No. On a side note though: the video at this point shows an image of the game Mass Effect. I remember when that game came out there was some controversy over the game showing sex scenes between the characters. Remember that this was but a few years sine the GTA hot coffee mod upheaval, so people where a bit more sensitive about such things. But never have I heard anyone complain about the same sex romance options. I can imagine there were a few disapproving voices but I never came across them, even though I followed the launch very closely at the time.

...or do you believe that killing strippers in an action game can’t be sexist because no one’s making you do it?

I believe it can be sexist, but I never seen an example of it actually being sexist. Not because no one makes you do it, though. It’s because the amount of strippers killed in video games pales in comparison to the amount of other people killed. I’m willing to bet that video games depict more men being killed by women than the other way around, with the vast majority being male on male killings. The fact that there’s one or two games where a man has the option to kill some female sex workers hardly seems significant in that light.

Do you believe that the pervasiveness of sexualised young women in pop culture is just there because it sells and that’s capitalism and we all need to deal with it...

Yes, for the most part. I guess one can add a few nuances here and there, but that about covers the gist of it.

...or do yo believe that a franchise has an obligation to cater to its core audience even if diversifying beyond that audience is more profitable?

Ooh boy, where do I start? Okay, first of all: those two are not mutually exclusive. I know there is this pervasive idea in some parts of western culture that people can only identify with others of the same sex, race and/or cultural background, but that’s just not true. As such it’s perfectly possible to be both diverse and give your core audience what they want. Criticism of a failure to do the second does not automatically translate to criticism of succeeding at the first. Where the two usually meet is when creators use the first as an excuse to take away from the second, either because of their own incompetence or their disinterest in the franchise they are working on. 

Which brings us to our second point: while diversity does not have to hurt a franchise, too often creators are too lazy to put effort in making sure it doesn’t because they haven’t got their priorities straight. They think that covering their bases in terms of diversity is the most important thing and everything else is an afterthought. The movie Star Wars: The Last Jedi, who’s cast is partly depicted in the video at this point, is actually a perfect example of this. No one thought Finn and Rose were such interesting characters that audiences wanted to see an entire subplot devoted exclusively to them. They were clearly there just to tick some boxes, not because of a creative spark that led an artist to lovingly craft these characters. The result was perhaps the most universally despised part of the movie, at least among hardcore fans. And yeah, they do deserve a bit more consideration than any other demographic, don’t you think? They are the ones who made this into a franchise to begin with. Without them this movie wouldn’t even have been made.

Lastly: there is a reason the saying “get woke, go broke” exists. If Rose was just there to appeal to Asian markets that would be one thing. I do think there’s something to the idea that putting characters of the same race as the target audience in your movie makes them easier to market. The thing is though: it didn’t work! The movie bombed in China, and I think that’s also because of the messages the creators were trying to send. To take a timeless hero’s journey narrative like Star Wars and try to insert current events and political messages in it just can’t end well. Yet, the creators persisted, and this is reflective of a lot of the culture behind those narratives. When a political message becomes the driving force behind the creative process it’s almost certain to produce sub par results. A creator has to be extremely talented to pull this off, and lets face it: most aren’t up to the task. Instead the art devolves into soulless political propaganda, and this is what stings people who love the franchise so much. Me personally, I am a big fan of making the political personal when you want to convey a political message. We can identify with personal struggles much more than with abstract political ideas. So characters should always be the focus, even if you want to make a statement.

Do you think words are inherently harmless and only oversensitive snowflakes would care about racialised language...

Words? Yes. The ideas expressed by those words? No. That’s why intention is so important to me, and the “oversensitive snowflakes” who focus on just the words are so not helping the debate in my opinion.

...or do you think it’s racist if someone calls you mayonaise boy?

Probably, yes. Though I can’t think of any reason why someone would call me that, other than to insult me by way of my race. On the other hand, I do really like mayonaise...

And as long as I’ve got your ear: are you the party that believes in the right to keep and bear arms because you’re distrustful of all authority and what if we need to overthrow the government some day...

No, no and no. I am not a party, nor am I affiliated with any party that espouses those kinds of opinions on the possession of arms. I personally do not believe in the right to bear arms, though I’m not especially passionate about it one way or the other. I guess being Dutch means I'm not really caught up in any debate surrounding arms, since it’s a bit of a non-issue here. Also: while I think authority should always be scrutinised, I wouldn’t characterise this as distrust.

...or do you believe that cops are civil servants and we should trust their account of events whenever they shoot a black man for looking like he might have a gun.

Well, aren’t cops civil servants? I seem to remember so. Anyway, I don’t think “looking like they might have a gun” is ever a good excuse to shoot anyone, so there you have it. Do keep in mind that we send cops out on the street partly to use force in neutralising dangerous individuals, so we shouldn’t be surprised when that gets out of hand sometimes. But honestly, I am not well informed enough on this topic to know how much trust to put in any side of this issue. I think looking at this on a case by case basis is the only thing we can do.

Does optional content reveal a game’s ideology, or doesn’t it?

Not necessarily, no

Is capitalism a defence for decisions you don’t agree with, or isn’t it?

That’s a rather broad statement. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. It depends on what you are trying to defend.

Is language harmful, or not?

If you use it to promote harmful ideas, then yes.

Do you hate authority, or love cops and the troops?

Neither, really. I don’t hate authority just for being authority, and if anything soldiers and cops invoke pity in me. I guess that comes from growing up with  a PTSD ridden veteran for a father.

Well, that’s the end of the questions. One might think I wasted a lot of time going through that, because shortly afterwards he goes on to say:

Now, I know the right is not a monolith and maybe these arguments are contradictory because they’re coming from different people.

Gee, you think? However, what then follows is an excuse to lump al these people together anyway.

We’ll call them Engelbert and Charlemagne. Maybe Engelbert’s the one who thinks any institution funded by tax money is socialist and therefore bad, and Charlemagne’s the one who says we should dump even more tax money into the military and thinking otherwise is unamerican.

I happen to hold neither of those opinions. Yes, it is actually possible to completely stand behind the hypothetical statement you made in the beginning of the video, and not subscribe to typical right wing convictions like that. But I know that there are people who do, so let’s see where his is going.

But here’s the thing: y’all have have very fundamentally different beliefs and you’re so passionate bout them that you’re entering search terms into twitter to find people you don’t even follow and aggressively disagree with them...

That’s quite a lot of assumptions there mate. I don’t think this is even a remotely fair representation of your opposition. Certainly not true for me. I don’t even have a twitter account (no, I wasn’t kicked off. I never had an account there to begin with), let alone do I ever browse that website. Putting that aside though, how do you know if there’s anyone who actually does this? People can retweet things after all; maybe that’s how they find the contentious twitter users. I found your video because youtube recommended it, and I clicked on it because the title intrigued me. I didn’t set out to look for things to disagree with, despite my quips at the beginning of this piece.

...and yet you’re always yelling at me, and never yelling at each other.

Certainly not true either. I've had quite a few online arguments with alt-righters, who in my opinion differ from actual Nazi’s in only slight and insignificant ways, and fervent nationalists. Of course that’s never going to garner the kind of attention as when Sargon of Akkad sends a mean tweet to a female politician. Speaking of Carl, his vicious disagreement with the alt-right is well documented, and their hatred for him caused quite a few equally vicious attacks against him and his family. But I don’t blame you for not knowing that. The majority of both of their vitriol is still directed at the extreme left, and why shouldn’t it? I don’t think there is an extremist position so pervasive in the western media these days. Again: there is no alt-right equivalent of Star Wars: the Last Jedi, because none of those people work in Hollywood, or anywhere else of note (with the possible and unfortunate exception of the white house).

...and I can’t say how often it happens, but I know if I let Engelbert go on long enough he sometimes makes a Charlemagne argument and vise versa.

Either you’re saying that both of them contradict themselves while framing it in quite an unnecessarily suggestive way, or you’re displaying a rather tribalist mindset in which worldviews can never overlap. Either way, I don’t think the following statement is justified...

See, I don’t take you at your word because I cannot form a coherent worldview out of the things you say.

The fault might lie with you in this case I’m afraid. The reason I went over those questions in the beginning is to show that it is perfectly possible to have consistent views on all of those issues and still be counted among those who would oppose you on this one. I don’t think you really know who it is that you’re projecting all this on. You think my worldview has to have inconsistencies if I disagree with you on the nature of the discourse surrounding popular media, but you’ve yet to correctly identify any. I think the saying “truth resists simplicity” is one you should tale to heart a lot more. Case in point:

Why are you so capable of respecting disagreement between each other yet so incapable of respecting me, or, for that matter, a black woman.

While that may seem like a coherent statement at a first glance, it actually betrays an incredibly simplistic way of looking at things. You see, you’re comparing three entirely different things one can respect: the fact of genuine disagreement between two parties, you, an individual person, and any given black woman, that is: a demographic. The first has to be respected, otherwise discourse is impossible. Though it must be said that me and the alt-right probably have very little respect for each others motivations, but unlike you the alt-right doesn’t ever really ask for my respect. The second deserves respect only when earned, and the third deserves neither respect nor disparagement, because it’s an incredibly varied group of people, some of whom deserve respect and some of whom don’t.

It kinda seems like you’re playing games and I’m the opposing team, and anyone who’s against me is your ally...

That entirely depends on what we’re talking about, doesn’t it? If we’re talking about diversity in media and the issues surrounding it, I will find myself on one side of the board surrounded by people I would usually disagree with, and you would find yourself on the other side, presumably only surrounded by people who agree with you one hundred percent of the time. It seems you think it a bad thing that people can temporarily overcome their differences when faced with a common problem. That’s why some call you radical: you cannot ally with anyone who isn’t in complete lockstep with you, because they are not pure enough in their conviction. But that’s what fracturing societies are made of, so if you don’t mind I’ll stick to my methods. If that leaves you outnumbered on your side of the board it’s because you chose to champion a very unpopular opinion, and I can’t help that.

...and you’re not really taking a position, but claiming to believe in whatever would need to be true in order to score points against me.

If I did that then why even bother engaging with me? Clearly I don’t actually believe anything I say, so there’s no need to convince me otherwise. Are you sure it’s me who is supposed to have contradictory opinions? But in all seriousness, I don’t see why I would ever adopt such a strategy unless I’m either just a troll or addicted to arguments, and hey: there are people like that, but they don’t represent your entire political opposition. Get a grip.

After that we get the title drop, which, I have to admit, was really clever and amusing. I never watched Seinfeld, but maybe I should. Anyway, my free Saturday is passing me by like a speeding train, so I will continue this later.... maybe.

[helloimnotlame]

Anything You Want - Finn Balor Smut

A/N: Hi all ! I tried to make this imagine as realistic as possible to ppl like me with anxiety who cant just throw themselves on the people they like so this one is pretty long and may not be for everyone. I kinda liked this concept too so I may make a part 2. feedback is vv appreciated thanks !!

notmine.gif|OC|giving a bj nice right|best friends turned friends w-benefits|taking risks u go girl

  The ending scene to one of your favorite movies played, your eyes glued to the television so intensely it was probably unhealthy. The final bow that the writers left with you ended, cuing the credits and blooper reel. You were excited on the inside to re-watch one of your faves but concealed it as much as possible so that the man beside you wouldn’t notice too much. This movie was one of few that you could actually watch again and have the same emotions as if it was the first time.  However your focus was more on what the man beside you thought of it.

“Well..What did you think of it?” You gushed, your attention turning to Finn who was draped against the arm of your couch, his leg just barely touching yours. He wore loose fitting black jeans just cupping his legs enough to show off his toned thighs, his torso clothed in a dark grey polo shirt, the off yellow banana socks on his feet complimenting his outfit. 

“Mehh…” Finn shrugged, his face scrunching. His eyes gazed around the room as if to look for the right words to say. He knew you loved the movie and didn’t want to hurt your feelings but knowing Finn, he was brutally honest so you prepared to take the criticism. “It was just…” his Irish accent drifted “A wee cheesy as all , yeah?” That was putting it lightly in his eyes.

Playfully taking offense to it, you gasped dramatically. “Cheesy, Balor, really?” You tried not to pay any thought to his comment as that would escalate in remorse to making him sit and watch a film he didn’t like. “Ya I mean it was rancid, honestly” he chuckled , causing you to shove him playfully. “Take it back, leprechaun” You tease, calling him the word he hated. “Ohh you’ll be sorry” he ruttered before his fingers attacked your sides, sending you into a laughing fit. “Stop!” You cackled on playfully. “Take it back…I can wrestle better than one” he said smoothly, focused on making you squeal.

Everything happened so quickly. One second you were sitting watching a movie with Finn, and the next you had him pinned down your hands cupping his wrists and your legs straddled against the sides of his torso. Your breathing became unsteady as you took the whole situation in, your eyes taking in every aspect of Finn’s face below you. His light blue eyes were glazed with a playful tint, his pink lips formed into a devilish smirk.

“Look at you,….my little diva aren’t ya” he teased, comparing you to the female roster. You couldn’t help but smile lightly embarrassed by your actions. It did look like you were ready to put him in a sort of submissive hold. “Well, diva…” he continued to chuckle. “Looks like you got me pinned down..all under your control..you could do anything you want with me.“ 

Your heart stopped briefly at his words. You could do anything you wanted with him. Maybe he was just saying that, but it didn’t sound like it. It sounded more like a dare - like a challenge to see if you had the balls to actually do something to him. But did you really want to ? Watching him in the ring , and knowing him personally for over a year now you always had the thought but you never acted on it thinking he wouldn’t like someone like you. Maybe this was your chance to show him how you feel.

You could kiss him but that’d be far too abrupt and awkward…and what would come next ? Revenge tickles? He’d hate you for that. You took a deep breath knowing what you were going to do. It was risky and his reaction would be indefinite but after all he was challenging you. With one last gaze into his eyes, you slowly began to creep down his body, traveling down to his jeans. 

As you reached the seam of his pants you felt tension spill into the atmosphere like molten lava. The movie credits reached an end leaving the air empty and dry with just you and your rapid thoughts. The clinking sound of Finn’s belt soon filled it, your fingers fumbling through the lock. You could only imagine what was racing through his mind watching his best friend prepare to touch him closer than ever before. 

“Is this okay?” You whispered shyly, gazing up at him. “Yes-ye Darlin’ please” His voice was shaky yet deep, his Irish accent purring through every stutter. His hands were in the same position you dropped them in, his body limb without hesitation to stop you. Once his belt was off, your fingers pushed the circular button back through the small slit that held his jeans together , the silver zipper attached unfolding along with it revealing his clothed dick through his black boxers. 

Your eyes widened - focused on the big curve. It didn’t look as limp as you expected and seemed as if he was slightly hard even. Could you possibly be turning him on? Taking another deep breath your fingers slid through the opening of the smooth cloth and shyly slipped out his length, his inches filling your hand. His breathing shifted, the sound of each unsteady breath filling the air. You took it as motivation to keep going, setting your thoughts aside and replacing them with action .  His cock was warm in your fingers and you could feel it begin to harden as you stroked it up and down. You gazed up into his now dark glazed blue eyes, them focused completely on you. His pink bottom lip clad under his teeth began to turn white as you worked his length, your eyes leaving his face and back onto his dick. Your tongue ran over your lips to ensure they were wet, prepping to take in his cock. You wrapped your lips around the tip of his cock, feeling his legs tense up immediately as a result.

“Oh..(Y/N).” his voice leaked pleasure and shock although he remained still, letting his best friend taste him. You closed your eyes, letting his thickness fill your mouth, your tongue pressed against his warmth. A stream of moans flew from Finn’s mouth, your lips sending sensations throughout his body. Out of nervousness your lips began to twitch, causing you to pull your lips off not wanting him to notice your shakiness but just as his tip left the comfort of your lips, you felt his hand rest itself on the top your head, almost begging you to keep going. You took the motivation and slid his now throbbing cock back into your mouth. His length slowly snaked its way down your throat, filling it with his pulsing warm dick. Moans turned into growls and his before lifeless body tensed up caught in a trance by the pleasure you were giving him, his accent fueling his grunts. His other hand raked through your hair, grabbing a handful as he prepared to orgasm.

“Oh, please, ..baby” his voice was deeper than you ever heard it before, as he fumbled feeling his orgasm build up strongly, his toned muscles flexing through his shirt with his face scrunching up. You heard one huge growl before your mouth filled with his white sticky liquid, taking you by surprise. Before you could think about it you swallowed his load, the liquid feeling thick as it slid down your throat.

“Oh…” his moan trailed off, relaxing his body back into the couch, satisfied completely. You smirked, slightly excited that you made him orgasm, not knowing you could have that much  of an effect on him. With a great amount of confidence built up his dick slipped from your mouth as you stood up, looking down on Finn who was now sunken into the couch. 

“Anything I wanted right ?” you panted lightly, concealing your heavy breathing from having him down your throat. “Oh my…that was a cheesier line than that-er movie ” he cringed playfully although, you could tell he was impressed by your actions, he panting as well just coming down from his orgasm. “That was amazing though.” he winked, reaching for your hand, taking it into his. “I just…wow-I didn’t know you felt that way” he pushed, his long eyelashes fluttering with every word.

You shrugged, biting your lip. “Maybe I just did what I wanted”. 

[argento-capitani]

I was tagged by @boldlygoingnovvhere! thanks for thinking of me :)

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

1. last drink: Dr. Pepper

2. last phone call: my mom a couple days ago to ask if she could pick me up

3. last text message: catching up with a friend and talking about summer plans

4. last song you listened to: Glitter by Tyler the Creator

5. time you cried: I was reading a book for my sociology class and it made me tear up

6. dated someone twice? like went on a date with the same person twice or went steady with same person on two separate occasions? former, yes. latter, no.

7. kissed someone and regretted it? yeah

8. been cheated on? yeah... what a great self-esteem boost...

9. lost someone special? no

10. been depressed? haha big mood

11. gotten drunk and thrown up? nah

favorite colors

12. blue

13. black

14. green I guess? I’m not super picky

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends? hell yeah

16. fallen out of love? nah

17. laughed until you cried? yeah it was pretty great

18. found out someone was talking about you? like shit talking? I don’t think so

19. met someone who changed you? yeah

20. found out who your friends are? I’ve known for a while but it’s good to see that it still holds

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list? yes

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? all except a few, but that’s bc I’ve only met them once or talked to them a handful of times

23. do you have any pets? I have a golden retriever named Dandy and I would die for her

24. do you want to change your name? no, I think it’s pretty cool and unique, it’s also a great conversation starter

25. what did you do for your last birthday? I was actually at my cousin’s engagement party for most of the day, and then that same cousin, her fiance, their friends, and my brothers took me to a pub for dinner where I had a beer and two shots of tequila it was great 10/10 would do again

26. what time did you wake up today? I woke up at like 11 am but didn’t get out of bed until 1 pm

27. what were you doing at midnight last night? watching youtube vids

28. what is something you cant wait for? to know what the heck I’m gonna do with my life lol

30. what are you listening to right now? Get You (ft. Kali Uchis) by Daniel Caesar

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom? yes

32. something that’s getting on your nerves? I’ve been looking an internship for weeks and one of them responded but when I emailed back they just left me hanging and I’m still salty about it

33. most visited website: tumblr and youtube

34. hair color: black 

35. long or short hair: it’s right at shoulder length but I’m gonna get it trimmed on sunday

36. do you have a crush on someone: not really? there was this one guy I thought I’d have a chance with if we spent more time together but he’s literally on the other side of country. he has a gf now but I’m actually really happy for him

37. what do you like about yourself: my chillness

38. want any piercings? I think I’m good. I don’t even wear earrings that much anyways so there wouldn’t be a point in getting more

39. blood type: uhhhh b positive (I had to check my blood donor card lol)

40. nicknames: literally any variation of my name that you can think of. I think the most creative oneso far was juju bear

41. relationship status: single

42. zodiac: gemini

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv shows: Star Trek: TOS, Adventure Time, Steven Universe, Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, Teen Wolf, Merlin

45. tattoos: I have an outline of Finn from Adventure Time on my left wrist and the phrase “sciamachy;” on my right forearm. I definitely wanna get more

46. right or left handed: right handed

47. ever had surgery: well I had my wisdom teeth taken out. does that count?

48. piercings: just my earlobes

49. sport: I used to play soccer in high school but as soon as college hit I became a lazy piece of shit

50. vacation: when I was younger my family would go on vacation to different countries since my parents worked abroad. now that we’re all back in America since I started college we’ve just been staying here

51. trainers: I don’t have one because I don’t ever go to the gym lol

more general

52. eating: I had some leftover chicken for lunch

54. im about to watch: some more youtube vids and maybe a movie

55. waiting for: a meeting I have to go to

56. want: an approval for a class I need to take in order to graduate lol

57. get married: ehhhhhhh if it happens it happens but I’m not like, actively looking for a romantic relationship atm

58. career: I’d love to be a freelance editor because it would just be my job to read books and edit them on my own time

which is better?

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: eyes

61. shorter or taller: taller

62. older or younger: older

63. nice arms or stomach: ummmm stomach

64. hookup or relationship: relationship

65. hesitant or troublemaker: hesitant

66. kissed a stranger: I’ve kissed someone on a first date so I think that’s close enough

67. drank hard liquor: yeah

68. lost glasses: surprisingly, no

69. turned someone down: yes

70. sex on first date: nah I feel like that’d get messy pretty quickly

71. broken someones heart: I don’t think so? I broke something off because I didn’t want to lead someone on and we’re still on good terms

72. had your heart broken: haha yeah it was the worst

73. been arrested: nope

74. cried when someone died: yeah

75. fallen for a friend: no

do you believe in

76. yourself: I’m trying to

77. miracles: yeah

78. love at first sight: I know it exists, but I’ve never experienced it

79. santa claus: my parents never propagated the idea of santa claus when I was a kid and I was able to figure out on my own that he wasn’t real

80. kiss on a first date: you can refer back to 66

81. angels: yes but not in a physical sense

other

82 best friend’s name: Mary

83.eye colour: dark brown

84. fave movie: ughhhhh okay let’s see... What We Do in the Shadows, Hot Fuzz, Star Trek Beyond, Dredd, Hot Rod, Napoleon Dynamite

85. fave actor: just look through my #life ruiner tag lol

I tag: @wibblywobblytimeywimeygirl @cohobbitation @obacchus @halfsyproblems @defiantgalaxy @jamest-kirk @vanessawolfie @ellieandcarlsballoonhouse @ginathethundergoddess but it’s totally optional!

[tumblunni]

MORE PERSONASONA THOUGHTS

Actually maybe it could be cool to imagine a design for a phantom thief whose mask is like a full face-covering thing? Like a faceless mask. or a mask with a buncha eye symbols on it. OR maybe the persona has that aesthetic, I dunno??? One of the beta protag designs in the artbook has a mask like that, but with a smiley face covering it. That + an all-concealing cloak = a pretty damn cool aesthetic! Even if it didnt fit the protagonist its a shame that they didnt give it to another character, so I might try and make something with a similar appeal.

MORE POTENTIAL THINGS THAT SHOULD BE PERSONAS

Bunnies of myth! There’s the Jackalope (a bunny with horns), the Wolpertinger (a bunny with horns AND wings) and Al-mi’raq (a bunny with only one horn, also said to be one of a kind and incredibly powerful despite being regular bunny sized) And there’s apparantly quite a few other tales of powerful horned rabbits from all different countries and time periods! O_O I was totally under the impression that the Jackalope was just made up in semi-modern cryptid legends, and didnt really count as a proper mythological creature. Rasselbock is the german name, and that sounds really awesome! Also there’s apparantly a hella mysterious recurring symbol of three hares attatched at the ears in an eternal circle, which has appeared in multiple cultures across the world and nobody knows its meaning.

Okay I LEGITIMATELY DID NOT KNOW that Puck from A Midsummer Night’s Dream is given neutral pronouns in the original form of the play! O_O I mean, the pop culture version is always male, and in school when we read it the character was taught to us as male! I feel totally destroyed that I missed a chance to learn about LGBT characters in history during my school years... Holy shit I REALLY wanna pick Puck now! I always love trickster figures!!

okay i really do not know much at all about folk heroes/classical literature heroes but I do know one from my country at least! Taliesin (tally-essin) was a kind of robin hood esque figure who gets all the same ‘did he actually exist? is he a myth? did a real man exist but was exaggerated in myth?’ stuff. He was a super magical poet bard dude who was magically blessed with the most witty tongue in all of existance because he stole a potion of super knowledge from a witch as a child. It also made him super beautiful cos the witch’s son was super ugly, I always felt REALLy sorry for the poor witch’s son cos seriously she made this potion for him and some random kid stole it and then he’s never mentioned again except to say that ‘he was so ugly that everyone who saw him died, so he made a career as a warrior’. Poor guy. Man, I actually like Morfran a lot better, can I make him a persona? He’s not really a hero or anything, he only gets like two sentences in someone else’s story but I just wanna give him a hug. It also always bugged me that the description of his ‘ugliness’ mentioned how his skin was ‘so black he was like a human crow’ like seriously screw u ancient mythological racisms... ANYWAY thats the only celtic mythology character that’s interesting that hasnt already appeared as a persona, lol. Tho since most of the personas that’ve appeared have been the scottish and irish versions, Finn MacCool was the equivelant to Taliesin. (Same origin story and everything!) The disadvantage is that his name sounds like a shitpost. Also incidentally its really fuckin sad that the only canonical depictions of LGBT characters in welsh myth are all like.. Problematic As Fuck Negative Depictions. I used to like the character Math Ap Mathonwy but then I read the story where he punishes the villains by turning them into a pig and a sow and making them rape each other and get pregnant... as punishment... its so fucked up.. And they’re like the only gay characters ever, and they’re also incestuous brothers, and just... so fucked up... The bad side of getting a mythology Special Interest as a kid: pretty much every mythology has at least one horrible sex story in it!

I’m really interested in learning more about Tu’er Shen! He’s apparantly a chinese deity of gay blessings, the spirit of a mortal man who was executed for loving other men and reincarnated as the form of a magical rabbit spirit. I hope he ended up finding true love in the spirit world... :( Seriously, even friggin mythological figures are dying from hate crimes. I don’t think people were very optimistic when they created this story, its horrible to know that society still hasnt progressed far enough that this bullshit has stopped happening! Cmon, seriously!! Please say the future is gonna be safe, someday! I can just imagine Tu’er Shen looking down on us and still crying.

Huh! Persona 5′s homophobia also manifesting in a weird unintentional way! They mention how one of the ways everyone attempted to get the sun god Ameratsu to open up her door was ‘someone doing a lewd dance’, and there’s a joke about Ryuji being that person. But I had NO IDEA that originally the person who did that was Ame No Uzume, another female deity! And it seems pretty damn ‘LGBT themes in mythology’, i mean the dialogue is Ame No Uzume saying ‘come and admire how perfect I am’ *points at crotch* I mean they probably couldnt mention all the explicit details in this random cameo mention in a persona game, but seriously would it have been so hard to just say it was ameratsu and ame no uzume? I suppose maybe since its a japanese game there was the assumption everyone would know the myth tho, so its more of a failure of the dubbing.

And then there’s a lot of themes of androgeny and gender-changing in Hindu and various african mythologies, but I feel like I’d have to do a lot more research into those cultures to depict them accurately. Its a damn shame that barely any european cultures had that level of respect for LGBT people so long ago, yet we like to act like we’re the height of progress and assume every other culture followed along the same historical template as us... I’m really interested in learning more about Dahomey mythology, wikipedia says that they have a genderless creator deity who split into two male and female twins, which then combined again into a different bigender deity. (Nana Buluku, Mawu, Lisa and Mawu-Lisa) And apparantly in zimbabwe there’s a shona deity called Mwari who is also genderless. I really don’t know anything about these cultures though, and there’s no way I’m gonna be drawing dumb anime versions of people’s important mythological figures based on just a wikipedia crawl! But at least this has inspired me to wanna go learn more. Also it just makes me feel a lot happier about myself to know that its not like there’s zero genderless people in all of mythology, just because my country has always been hella bigoted ^_^ But man, wikipedia’s list of LGBT figures in mythology is really REALLY focused on only depictions of sex, and it counts all the super negative stereotypes and shit of villainous rapist gay folks and people being ‘punished’ by being turned into another gender. And then any sort of positive interpretation is all THIS IS TOTALLY JUST AN INTERPRETATION HERE IS ALL THE EVIDENCE FOR IT BEING WRONG, YOU CANT IMPOSE MODERN IDEALS ON MYTHOLOGY NOBODY WAS EVER GAY BEFORE THE WORD EXISTED IN ENGLISH SO yeah its really demotivating to me to continue reading this and just Yikes with a capital Yikes. I’m gonna try and find if there’s more sources online about LGBT mythology education written by actual LGBT scholars...

[seriestrash]

London’s Calling

1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6 || 7 || 8 || 9 || 10 || 11 || 12

Chapter Thirteen: Attitude Adjustment

Word Count: 2669

☏ ☏ ☏ ☏

The following day Riley met up with Zay. By then he’d learnt of Riley’s arrival through Lucas and was coaxed into giving Riley a letter. The second Riley took the envelop with her name scrawled on the front she knew the handwriting belonged to Lucas. Reluctantly she accepted it and slipped it into her bag. 

Twenty-four hours later Riley sits in her London bedroom with the unopened letter resting on the sheets in front of her. Nervously the brunette chews on her thumbnail unsure if she should open it or not. Riley knew the letter could only contain another apology from Lucas, after their talk on the subway she’s sure that would be the nature of the letter but still she cant bring herself read it. 

Luckily she’s not forced to ponder that option for very long as her parents call out for her to join them in the living room. Riley picks up the envelope and slips it in her desk drawer. Out of sight, out of mind. 

Riley had returned to London determined to give her new life the chance she promised she would when she first left New York. Riley was going to embrace the experience to it’s fullest and embrace it she did. After that day Riley approached everything with a new attitude, everything including her school life. The first morning back since Spring Break Riley approaches a table full of Finn’s friends. 

“Hey,” Riley says bravely. Pretending like she wasn’t a ball of nerves. 

“Hi,” One of the girls, Michelle, gives her a warm smile, “Finn isn’t here yet…” 

“That’s okay,” Riley nods, “Is it cool if I sit with you guys anyway?” 

“Of course,” Michelle’s smile widens and she slides over on the bench seat, freeing up space for Riley. 

“So how was New York?” One of the guys, Parker asks. 

“Eventful,” Riley laughs nervously, praying they wouldn’t press for details which they did lightly but Riley steered clear of any Lucas talk. 

The conversation flows naturally until the morning bell rings and Riley walked to her homeroom with a smile. Maybe things weren’t as bad as she believed them to previously be.. That is a thought that sticks with Riley all day, it’s like her own cloudy mind was slowly clearing the more the day went on. 

During English Riley is handed back a report she did prior to leaving on spring break. A big A+ is circled at the top of the page and her teacher - the one that gave her a hard time when she first began - gives Riley a congratulatory pat on the back and an encouraging, “I knew you had it in you.” Maybe he was being tough on her because he saw the potential she had? This makes Riley think about how she once wondered if she brought the isolation on herself and she now knows for sure that to an extent she did. That her longing for the life she had back in New York made her paint London gloomier than she had to. 

As another week passes things only get brighter for the New Yorker. Little conversations with her friends - yes she now calls them her friends - make Riley smile. 

“Mish your hair looks so cute,” Jake says to his girlfriend Michelle as he plays with her golden locks. 

“Thanks,” Michelle shimmies one shoulder slightly, “I thought Riley looked positively adorable the first week she wore them so I thought I’d copy. Hope you don’t mind, Ri.” 

“Mind?” Riley coaxes her head. For a moment she thought maybe she was being made fun of again but the genuine smile on the girls face made that thought disappear quickly. “Of course not.” Riley smiles at the notion that she inspired something, even as trivial as a pigtails it made Riley feel special for the whole day. 

Even with things looking up for Riley it didn’t erase the loneliness she once felt. That empty feeling still weighs on her mind from time to time, mostly when she’s alone with her thoughts but the new perspective she has on things certainly makes the smile she wears more genuine. That and the open line of communication she has with her parents again also helps Riley cope emotionally with things. 

On the last day of the school year Finn and Riley sit at her favourite bench, the one where Finn gave her the peace offering (the hot chocolate) and the two look at the pretty gardens surrounding them. 

“You know what?” Riley says with a loud exhale, “I think I’m actually going to miss this place.

“Yeah, but not enough to stay,” Finn says with a crooked smile, “New York is where you belong so New York is where you’ll go.”

Oh yeah… Did I forget to mention Riley’s moving back to New York City? Not just with the Minkus’ either but with her whole family. After coming back from the trip during Spring Break Topanga couldn’t help but shake the feeling that she’d made a terrible mistake. As exciting and challenging as her new position was it resulted in her losing touch with the most important thing in her life, her family. 

In fact, the very day Riley and Topanga returned from New York - when Cory and Topanga called Riley into the living room - they brought up the topic of moving back to the states.

Topanga being Topanga always had a contingency plan in place, one she set with the help of her husband. London was always going to have a one year trail period. That’s why Topanga held onto the bakery as long as she did and why Cory and Topanga only subletted their apartment rather than give up their lease completely. Also, both Cory and Topanga had their old jobs waiting for them if they ever chose to return to the city. This was all news to Riley and Auggie of course as it was kept under wraps because both Cory and Topanga didn’t want to discourage their children from embracing the move but they still wanted the security of having a backup plan incase things didn’t work out in London.

Riley asked her mom why she wanted to move back and Topanga cupped Riley’s cheek in her hand and explained how she overhead what she said about losing her parents if she left. Comending her once again about how mature she is, willing to sacrifice her own happiness for the greater good. 

Riley argues that if they moved back wouldn’t that mean that Topanga would be the one giving up her happiness and dream job. Topanga explained that during their trip back to the states she met up with her mother rather than potential buyers for the bakery. A meeting they’d organised after Topanga cried on the phone to her and the two of them found a way where no one would have to sacrifice their happiness. Because moving home would make her children happy therefore Topanga would be happy too.

So, after a long chat the Matthews decided to finish out their year and return home. Sure things were painful and weird between with Lucas and Riley had the new positive attitude she planned to apply to her school etc. but Riley would’ve been lying if she said that moving back to New York City, with her whole family, didn’t excite her. She’d get to see Maya again everyday and she’d study with Farkle and they’d continue their regular planetarium gazing they did at his apartment once a month where they’d talk and he’d gush about Smackle. Smackle, Riley thought, she’d go home and make certain that Smackle new she was indeed Riley’s friend, not just Farkle’s girlfriend and then there’s Zay whose lighthearted teasing and witty banter would once again bring regular joy to her life. 

Riley knew, after a year of being away she wouldn’t just be able to return to her old life, things would be strange and there would be a readjustment period. Then of course there was Lucas, who knows what would become of them if she moved back. If that would cause an obstacle with Riley and her friends. Then there was Rain, whom she’d never met before but in Riley’s eyes the girl is a trigger for her emotionally. Even though it’s not really the girls fault but Riley couldn’t help but fear the impact Rain would have if she moved back. This is a girl that inadvertently caused Lucas to break up with Riley, that and she had been welcomed into her friends, friend circle so facing her would be inevitable. All worries aside, Riley couldn’t help but feel the pros outweighed the cons. 

Back to the bench where Riley and Finn sit at school on their last day Finn asks Riley if she’s coming to his end of year party to which she smiles and nods. 

“I wouldn’t miss it,” Riley beams. There was no nagging required by her parents or by Finn to get her there just a genuine interest in making the most of the time she has left with the people she’s come to care a great deal for. 

As the night unfolds Riley has a blast. The goofball is so genuinely happy as she silly dances around the room that her face hurts from all the smiling. Out of  breath and tired from all the dancing Riley takes a breather in the kitchen where Finn fetches her some water. The pair make their way up to the rooftop garden, an obvious awkwardness lingers in the air. 

Noticing this Riley jokes, “You’re not going to try kiss me again are you?”

Finn gives her a playful shove and wraps an arm around her shoulder. “It would be like kissing my sister now,” he pokes his tongue out in disgust. 

Riley giggles and nods her head. 

“What a wild year this has been,” Finn exhales loudly and both he and Riley admire the city lights they see from the rooftop. 

“I can’t believe it’s almost over,” Riley shakes her head in disbelief. “I can’t believe we’re going to different schools in different countries…” 

“If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were saying goodbye,” Finn gives Riley a funny look, his mouth slightly agape. 

“I guess I kind of am…” Riley says solemnly. 

“Hey, I heard once Smiley McCheese is in your life she’s in it forever,” Finn gives her an intense look. 

Riley presses a kiss on Finn’s cheek and pulls pack with a grin. Finn slaps a hand to where she marked him and gasps, “What was that for?”

“Just a bit of fun,” Riley gives him a knowing look and the two chuckle along and return to the party.

Riley’s not sure where he heard the whole forever thing she believes so much in but him adopting it as a belief of her own touched Riley, thus earning him the peck on the cheek but the thought of this stirred up her confused feelings for Lucas. The ones she’s spent two months trying to suppress. Feelings she could now no longer ignore, for that night when Riley returns to her apartment she paces by her desk. Trying to talk herself out of it but curiosity won in the end as she opens the drawer and pulls out the unopened letter. Riley retreats to her bed and sits with crossed legs and slowly opens the envelope and reads the letter. 

Dear Riley, 

I know you asked for time and I intend to respect that but I can’t help but feel as if I didn’t stress something enough when we spoke. No, it’s not that I’m sorry.. Because I am.. It’s that I genuinely do just want you to be happy. Anywhere in the world, with anyone, always. That means more to me than anything. Even if my jealous, idiotic behaviour seems to prove otherwise. 

I know what you said about pretending to be happy makes sense but we pretend to be happy because we care. We can’t force ourselves to like a situation but, smiling anyway? We do that because the other persons happiness is more important than our own. That’s what I meant when I said it. I know you’re familiar with the concept. You’ve always put others before yourself so I ask you not forgive me because you think it’s the right thing to do but because it’s the right thing for you. 

Two months, two years, forever. However much time you need and I’ll respect that. I promise you won’t hear from me unless you want to. 

With love, Lucas.

Riley knew Lucas was right, about pretending to be happy. Riley had been guilty of doing it for almost a year with her mother. Also, she’d keep certain things from her friends if she thought it would make them happier. Riley doesn’t even know why she said what she did, maybe it was part of her wishing that no one had to suffer quietly. That in a perfect parallel universe that she could be Riley and he could be Lucas and in any form; romantic, platonic or other and they’d be happy. 

With a heavy sigh and the letter still in hand Riley flops back on the bed. Riley knew Lucas, even after a year she’s still sure she knows him and she knew that when he felt bad about something he could react in a number of ways. One of which is Lucas being embarrassed for his behaviour, too embarrassed to acknowledge his actions right away. He’d go quiet and hope the situation would do the same. Another way is something Riley always referred to as ‘over apologising’ where Lucas would become neurotic and constantly spit “I’m sorries” until he was convinced he’d convinced them of his regret. Another way - the most common Riley feels - is how Lucas makes a point to show you he’s sorry. He does this by first apologising and then once the conflict is resolved Lucas would be proactive in demonstrating he’s learnt from his mistake. The first example of this that comes to Riley’s mind Lucas’ “you’re too much” comment he made on their first day of high school and how he constantly made the effort to reassure Riley that wasn’t the case. Riley’s knows Lucas doesn’t do this because he feels guilty but because he genuinely wants the person to understand that they deserve better than whatever he did. This is something Riley has always admired about Lucas. 

It’s with this knowledge that Riley can only assume Lucas would have found it difficult to respect Riley’s request for time and space. Much like herself Lucas shares the same incessant need to please the ones he cares about. Knowing this makes Riley feel slightly guilty for phasing him out even though Riley knew she had reason too. But, it’s not the guilt or the thought that if she was moving back they’d eventually have to get over it that makes Riley pick up her phone. It’s not even her own incessant need to please the ones she care about, it’s because she wants to. Things would be weird and Riley still wasn’t sure they’d be able to get over it but she was willing to try. With that she texts Lucas. 

Lucas thought he was still dreaming when he woke up to the early AM text from Riley. When his mind cleared he replied back to her. Of course he still wanted that, he’d spent two months physically stopping himself from trying to contact her. He’d spent two months trying to think of ways he could make it right should Riley ever speak to him again. Two months wondering if she even read the letter and if she did, did she understand what he was trying to say? Riley didn’t reply to his text and she didn’t have to. Lucas knew Riley was coming home and this text, even though it may be the weakest of glimmers, it gave him hope. 

End Note: Again I feel like I couldnt get across what I intended… Sorry if this chapter is choppy with the back and forth but I feel as though I wanted to tell you how much more enjoyable Riley’s last two months were BEFORE you found out they’d be the last two months. 

Anyway, the epilogue is next. The FINAL part. 24 hours away :)

Please let me know what you think thus far dksfjsdkjf !! 

[leaughrilke]

i have a notion and it's lena teaching little stella how to play chess and it's entirely different from lena playing chess in her own house because there's so much laughter and casual teasing and stella uses her powers to cheat and then vehEMENTLY DENYING IT WHEN ASKED and maybe i'm just being extra

its so funny bc i’ve had a v similar notion sO LET ME YELL ABT IT SOME

stella is the only of the superbabies to show any interest in chess for more than a passing moment and is the only one to be able to sit still long enough for lena to teach her the game and lena’s like???  so excited when, one day when stella’s like four or five maybe, lena and kara are playing and stella nudges at lena’s arm until she moves it so she can crawl into her mom’s lap and she settles back against lena and studies the board with this v serious look and kara’s biting back a laugh until stella quietly requests show me mommy? and then kara’s softening and lena’s all but melting tbh like woah her kiddo want to play this game that lena loves a lot and she wants to learn??  she wants lena to teach her???

so lena goes out and gets this little children’s chess set the very next day, gets this set bc it has little labels on the board to indicate where each piece goes and it’s got this pretty mother of pearl inlay around the edge of the board, around the base of the pieces and lena knows stella will love it

they pick sunday afternoons for practice, lena lifting stella up to the big family calendar they keep in the kitchen so she can pick a day and put a little heart next to it.  so every sunday afternoon, right after stella’s napped for a bit, she bounces into lena’s study and watches v carefully as lena sets up the board, explaining what each piece is, what they do, where they go.  stella asks questions sometimes, but mostly she watches at first until she kind of gets an idea of what’s going on

but then when they get into the game??  hoo boy, stella is hilarious and pretty savage, like she’ll look at some move that lena’s made that she apparently doesnt approve of and will look up at her mother with this one raised eyebrow and sort of sigh really?  and it’s the cutest thing and lena cant help but laugh and stella’s rlly so sweet, she drops the look she’s giving her and starts laughing with lena and it will take them a fair few minutes to sort of reign it in

and omg as stella gets older??  she starts learning a few basic strategies, she does, but she’s still losing to lena basically every time (though every once in a while, lena throws it just because the look of elation on stella’s face is probably one of the brightest, purest things lena’s ever experienced) so she takes to poking holes in lena’s strategies, gently harassing her to try and get her off her game, but lena throws it right back at her, sort of narrowing her eyes and quirking an eyebrow when stella goes to move her knight when she has a pawn in perfect position and stella just sort of snorts, nods like yeah okay ya got me there

good god they laugh so so much during these games.  like they rlly do and lena is so so happy abt it like??  this is literally all she’s ever wanted, all she’s ever dreamed of for her kids.  they’re getting exactly what she never had, are able to feel safe enough that they poke fun at her like stella does when lena makes a careless mistake and leaves her king vulnerable (it’s not a mistake, it’s lena carefully working lessons into each of their games tbh, like she is nothing if not methodical)

an excerpt:

mom, oh my gosh, don’t you have, like, three advanced degrees?

don’t you have a move to make, stelly-bean?

and stella’ll groan at the nickname but she’s also grinning super wide, super bright and lena’s just??  basking in her happiness i guess

omg and when stella learns to read minds, it’s hilarious bc she’s not slick abt it.  like??  u can sort of feel her when she’s there, in ur head, like a little bump or nudge near the base of your skull, and lena thinks its hilarious that she’s trying that, that when she couldnt get a vibe for lena’s next move, she looked to lena’s mind and she sort of pokes a little fun at stella for it, asks we’re not cheating, are we? in such a gentle, teasing tone that has stella stammering, flushed, uh no of course not like why would you say that as i am perfect and have never done anything wrong in my entire life, ever

when stella gets older, she gets a lot better at reading ppl without them knowing, but kara and lena can always tell (mostly bc of that first psychic connection??  like they’re slightly more attuned to stella too) and so stella thinks she’s Rlly being Slick but lena sort of rolls her eyes and groans stella and its hilarious watching her daughter’s reaction, going from shock to worry to vague annoyance to out and out laughter as she tries to deny it, puts up a good fight before she’s reduced to giggles

like at some point its not even practice anymore, they just turn into weekly chess games, just for fun, just bc its calm and sweet and warm and when stella’s in college and Going Through Some Shit, it’s something to anchor her and lena loves that her daughter still likes the game, still likes spending time with her.  like??  they’ve only ever missed one sunday, bc stella had the flu, but that was made up for on tuesday when she felt better

and like??  chess sort of becomes this touchstone for them, like it always was for lena, but it also brought up some weird and painful things too, but now its just all good things, just stella and quiet sundays and laughing and messing up the board bc they needed to push the game to the side in order to set their ice cream bowls on the desk

like it sort of becomes a thing between them, like one mother’s day, stella gets lena this truly horrendous cat chess board bc she thought it was hilarious and lena laughs so hard she cries when she opens it (she still keeps it in her office though, next to one of her #1 Mom mugs and the pencil holder finn made in preschool

and then lena fires back with a fantasy inspired chess set for stella’s birthday, bc the dragon looks ridiculous and its just the thing stella loves to mock mercilessly

without fail, one of them always gets the other something chess related for any gift giving event.  one christmas, stella gets a purse shaped like a knight; on lena’s birthday one year, stella got her a set of bookends that looked like bishops, and so on and so forth

and then, to get ~emotional~, lena gifts stella her very own custom made chess set for her college graduation and stella treasures it for the rest of her life tbh, like it makes her feel warm and safe like she always did in her mom’s study, sunday afternoons, sipping tea between moves and laughing until her stomach hurts.  like ??  it’s just a tangible thing for all these good memories and honestly ???  im crying ????  

[primadonnatartuffe]

RYAN: *after hanging out with orchid, ryan's been feeling a little lighter, and leaving skaia to visit people has become that much easier. so with that feeling of freedom, she decides to stop by odimist again. she drapes on colt for a little while before she devotes her time to finn and his new baby. she's just as gorgeous as in the photos, and during the visit, she's found she's really quite fond of hanging out with tiny babies... they're in the living room at colt and little's place, and ryan has lounging with this bundle in her arms for a while now.*

RYAN: hmm sofia sofia... are there any songs about a girl named sofia? there should be.

FINN: -finn's sitting next to the two of them and it's so cute watching sofia get to know ryan. sofia's looking pretty comfortable and staring up at ryan- no but you can replace any song with shakira with sofia

RYAN: ooooh yeah there you go.

RYAN: lets sing beautiful liar.

RYAN: i can be beyonce and sofia can be shakira.

RYAN: ryonce ryonce sofia sofia.

RYAN: lets not kill the karma. lets not start a fight. its not worth the drama for a beautiful liiiaar.

FINN: -sofia gurgles-

RYAN: yeah girl there you go.

RYAN: *snickers*

FINN: already she's more musically inclined than me

RYAN: stick with me kid and well keep you on the right track. *smiles wide at baby*

FINN: -sofia smiles back for a good two seconds and wiggles her arms-

RYAN: uggh shes so cute.

FINN: -he's laughing a little and smiling because he loves this baby so much- i know

FINN: you'd think i'd be used to it by now

RYAN: pretty sure youre never gonna get used to it though. thats just how these things work.

RYAN: my parents still cant get over how cute i am. ;)

RYAN: well nobody can really.

FINN: -too true- it's a hard life

RYAN: for you. us adorable people got it so good. isnt that right sofia?

FINN: -sofia yawns-

FINN: i'm going to be dead in a week at this rate

FINN: just because of the cute from sofia and you combined

RYAN: cool. then i can steal her. >:)

FINN: you're just going to swoop right in and take her

RYAN: yep. and raise her teaching her to better weaponize her deadly cuteness.

RYAN: well be unstoppable.

FINN: sorry sofia i tried to give you a better life

RYAN: time to live a life of villainy with auntie ryan.

FINN: this escalated quickly

RYAN: *SNRK* i think thats the inevitable path when dealing with baby stealing.

FINN: did i turn out to be a villain

FINN: i guess that depends on your definition of -air quotes- stolen

RYAN: i think the definition of stolen is pretty clear cut... but maybe theres a side of finn i dont know... an evil side.

FINN: maybe there is

RYAN: oh my... ;o

FINN: what is that face

RYAN: its a face thats onto your wild ways.

FINN: someone's a little late

RYAN: pfff. okay lets be real were all onto your wild ways.

FINN: i was going to say

FINN: out of all people you really can't be that surprised

RYAN: i really cant be... not when i was there instigating it half the time. *snickers some more. they have fun.*

FINN: -they had a lot of fun. he's still laughing, shaking his head- see exactly

RYAN: *looks down at the baby for a moment after that. the pause is enough for her mind to wander. it's hard to fill in the space with positive thoughts these days.*

RYAN: hey uh this is out of the blue but...

RYAN: the other day? at the kareoke bar? ive been worried that i like.

RYAN: made things weird?? somehow.

FINN: -sofia's getting sleepy. she might be starting to doze off. finn is caught off guard by the question, not exactly expecting it- oh -he says it like a question-

FINN: why what do you mean

RYAN: i dunno.

RYAN: like... i know i was super transparent with the song choices.

RYAN: the mood just seemed to change after i sang that second time.

RYAN: and then you took off.

RYAN: like maybe you thought you were third wheeling or something.

RYAN: uhh... okay so i dont usually make a habit of addressing things like this but ive been encouraged to talk about the stuff thats nagging at my mind.

RYAN: so it doesnt start festering and i have to turn to booze or something to cope haha.

RYAN: ... yeah.

FINN: oh -he definitely doesn't want to make her feel like she has to cope with anything...not because of him, at least.- no no i get it uh

FINN: i don't know i guess i just

FINN: you know when you feel like you're in the middle of something really intimate that's not explicitly so but it still is

FINN: but you feel like you're in the way of it a little

FINN: that was where i was at i guess but it's not a big deal you guys need your time too

RYAN: *frowns* i dunno... i guess.

RYAN: its not like theres a quote unquote you guys.

FINN: -he looks away and shrugs a little- hasn't there always been though

RYAN: ... not anymore.

FINN: i mean i know not technically but -he sighs- it's still there

RYAN: *brows knit* yeah maybe for me.

FINN: i mean jack is completely different than he was three years ago and it's not like we talked during the time you were gone

FINN: so i guess i can't read him anymore but i mean it really seems like there's still something

FINN: but anyway i just

FINN: had a feeling i shouldn't be there

FINN: and it's good you two are hanging out

FINN: and having moments

FINN: and stuff

FINN: after everything

RYAN: *he says all that, but why does it feel like there's something left unsaid. is she being paranoid?* do you really feel that way?

FINN: which part

FINN: i mean it doesn't matter because i do really feel all of it

RYAN: ... i guess that part where you think its good were hanging out and having moments like you said.

FINN: oh

FINN: yeah

FINN: it's a good thing

RYAN: ugggh.

RYAN: why do i feel like its not?? am i being paranoid?

RYAN: maybe im projecting because im afraid to make any moves and i need an excuse not to.

RYAN: i dont know i suck at reading my feelings and intuitions or whatever.

FINN: -he looks ahead- it's hard to know i guess

FINN: after all that time

FINN: you can only really be certain of how you feel

RYAN: *sighs a little. she does know how she feels, at least when it comes to jack.*

RYAN: okay but... i dont wanna make hanging out with us awkward.

FINN: sometimes i just have to discern whether or not i should be there

FINN: it's a life thing

RYAN: ... i guess so.

RYAN: sorry.

RYAN: im being weird.

FINN: no you're not

FINN: i was probably acting pretty weird

FINN: that raises a lot of questions

RYAN: maybe. i probably shouldnt pry. *it raises questions, but none of the questions she should probably be asking... but it doesn't really occur to her.*

RYAN: *face scrunches a little... she looks upset.* i just dont know what im doing anymore. im a mess and i know im supposed to just let myself be a mess and let people help me but i dont want to.

RYAN: i dont even want to talk about this. but i should?? ugh. im not making sense.

FINN: -his expression softens immediately- no no i

FINN: i get that actually

FINN: -he can relate in different ways...but he can still relate to the general concept-

FINN: it's hard

RYAN: *sniffs and leans against him a little, as much as she can without disturbing the baby.* but im lonely too... i dont wanna bring anybody down or make anybody feel bad but this always seems to happen now and i cant shut it off.

FINN: -lets it happen and leans his head against hers just slightly- well you know you always have me

FINN: whether or not you can shut it off

RYAN: *peeks up at him with big tired glossy eyes* ... thanks finn.

FINN: -dONT LOOK AT HIM LIKE THAT- yeah

FINN: of course

FINN: you're pretty much stuck with me whether you like it or not

RYAN: heheh... good to know.

FINN: it thought it would be at least a little comforting -he's quiet suddenly-

RYAN: it helps... trust me. *peers at him again when a silence follows.*

RYAN: whats on your mind?

FINN: -avoids meeting her gaze and looks down at a sleeping sofia instead. he sighs- i should uh

FINN: i mean

FINN: i don't want things to be weird

RYAN: *blinks at him, confused* weird??

FINN: yeah weird uh

FINN: i don't know how to say it

FINN: actually uh

FINN: -holds his hands out for sofia-

RYAN: ... okay. *hands her back to him, getting a weird feeling in her gut.*

FINN: -sofia makes a few fussy noises before going back to sleep like nothing had happened-

FINN: i just don't want you to feel stuck so

FINN: if you need to leave you can

RYAN: *leans away again, not really sure what to make of that.* im not really in a rush unless you need me to go...

FINN: no i just mean you might want to uh

FINN: you might want to

FINN: the thing is i should tell you

FINN: even though it will do nothing

FINN: but make things weird

FINN: and somehow it's the right thing to do supposedly

FINN: i don't know why that is

FINN: it doesn't seem like it's going to help at all

RYAN: help... what?? what is it? *she's TRYING not to act weirded out even though she kind of is. but it's mostly just anxiety.*

FINN: i

FINN: have feelings for you

FINN: but it's dumb and it doesn't matter and it's irrelevant

RYAN: you... *processing... processing... but she fails to.*

RYAN: what?

FINN: -his cheeks grow red and he looks a little embarrassed-

FINN: i know it's

FINN: i know it's been obvious probably

FINN: it started years ago before you left and uh

FINN: surprise

FINN: still here

RYAN: uh... *runs a hand through her hair, reeling a little* no?? i mean no it was never obvious to me.

RYAN: jesus was i always so into my own shit i didnt even notice?

RYAN: thats typical. way to go ryan.

FINN: oh

FINN: no it's not your fault you didn't need to pick up on it i didn't want you to anyway

FINN: so points for me

FINN: i guess

RYAN: i... okay...

RYAN: well uh... im glad you brought that up. to get it off your chest? or...

RYAN: shit. im not sure what to say.

RYAN: like its cliched to be all i really like you too BUT...

RYAN: thats cliched and shitty?? you deserve better than that.

RYAN: hahaha you deserve better than me? come on dude lets be real.

FINN: -he just feels bad about it- no i know you don't feel

FINN: like i know you don't feel the same way and that's fine that's okay

FINN: like i didn't expect that or anything i know it's like

FINN: uh

FINN: i don't want to talk about what i deserve because i don't think i really

FINN: i don't want to measure myself that way because i'm not going to pass the test

FINN: you don't have to like

FINN: try to reason with me i know it's useless

FINN: it's always been you and jack from the beginning

FINN: there was never any other real relationship for either of you when you're together

FINN: you asked what's on my mind that's what's on my mind that's why i've been acting weird you don't need to fix it or feel responsible for anything i just

FINN: maybe if you know i can get over it who knows

FINN: or i wreck our friendship i don't know

FINN: i'm pretty good at that haha

RYAN: no finn thats not... thats not gonna happen. im just...

RYAN: *eyes start to water* it sucks that things are the way they are. that i cant... reciprocate i guess.

RYAN: i dont know why im always... chasing after people that im not good for haha. but hey on the bright side thats the case no matter what isnt it?? im not good for anybody.

RYAN: jacks better off without me. so was nona. so are you.

RYAN: and you should know that because yeah itd be in your best interest to move on from that.

RYAN: i know you werent trying to start anything but i-- just... why...

RYAN: im so fucked up.

-- impenetrableVitality [IV] is now an idle chum! --

FINN: -he doesn't know who the fuck nona is but he decides right now isn't the time to ask. hearing her say these things about herself...it stings.- no no no

FINN: i'm not

FINN: i'm not

FINN: fuck

FINN: it doesn't matter if you reciprocate or not and it's

FINN: you're making me sound like some kind of ideal candidate but that's not the case either

FINN: you don't see how much you're worth because you think you've fucked up beyond redemption or something

FINN: but that isn't true

FINN: we all have our shit

FINN: yours looks different than mine

FINN: jack's looks different than both yours and mine

FINN: but somehow you're still here and jack's still here even if we were all gone for a while

FINN: it's not about being good enough that is -lets out an unamused laugh- that's bullshit because who even meets that standard in the first place

FINN: what i do know is that without you around it felt like there was something irreplaceable missing

FINN: the whole time

FINN: sure maybe i became better at putting that feeling behind work but

FINN: i never stopped feeling it

FINN: because damn it ryan you are and you've always been one of a kind and i'm not just saying that

FINN: people that are like you aren't good enough

FINN: i want the real thing hanging around

FINN: crazy theatrical ryan

FINN: loud always pretty no matter what ryan

FINN: you're just -he looks down at sofia- you're worth more than you could ever realize

FINN: a few turns down some paths you don't like don't take that away from you

FINN: i need you to stick around and stay because if your shit makes it so you don't deserve to have people in your life then i am

FINN: i am right there with you

FINN: i'm not buying it

FINN: -he finally stops and...might be tearing up a little-

RYAN: *well, she's definitely started crying listening to all that, but the tears flow quietly. when he's through, she sniffs, trying to process everything with some difficulty... but the important parts stick and she leans forward to gingerly wrap her arms around his neck (careful not to squish sofia) and hold him gently.*

RYAN: youre really important to me... i hope you know.

FINN: -he closes his eyes a little and the tears just roll down his cheeks as she holds him- yeah

FINN: you are to me too

RYAN: ... jack told me that the worst was over.

RYAN: ive been trying really hard to believe that.

RYAN: it hurts knowing how much i was missed but its a relief too? i dont wanna run from people anymore...

FINN: you don't have to

FINN: maybe it's time to start running to people

RYAN: *sniffs* yeah... im gonna... crash into everyone at high speeds.

RYAN: hope you can handle a whole lot of ryan.

FINN: i'm pretty sure i've been training all my life so i'm good

RYAN: fuckin... right on. hehehe... *giggles softly, but then starts to pull away again.*

RYAN: i should probably get going home now though.

FINN: -smiles and nods at her, taking a deep breath- yeah

FINN: i have to put this one to bed anyway

RYAN: yeah... goodnight baby girl. *exhales once more, letting all the bad feelings pass... it's gonna be okay.*

RYAN: ill see you soon finn. *gets up off the couch and makes her leave.*

FINN: -it is. it's really going to be okay- bye ryan