#yeah from yesterday. i did read more today but i wont post it yet.

[istherewifiinhell]

My morning dose of being sad about turtles, and afternoon dose of blogging about em.

Last Ronin spoilers, natch, and content warnings will be first thing under the cut

The pictures have blood, piercing wounds, and generally, violence. And metioned on top of that, death (familial), suicide and self harm, and drowning.

those are pretty telling aren't they....

Starting with flash back content.

[Image descriptions same as alt text]

[ID: Raphael running into April and Casey's appartment, dripping blood and knocking over a chair. He yells "Make a hole! *Incoming!*". April who'se recoiled from his entrance says "Oh my god... *Raph?!*". Raph wears a leather vest/harness that covers the front and back of his shell, and has a thigh holster. END ID]

[ID: Mikey and Donnie holding up a very injured and bleeding Splinter between them. Donnie says "April grab the *med kit!* Bring *everything!*, and Splinter groans in pain. Mikey is also yelling. END ID]

[ID: Mikey and Apirl lifting Splinter onto a table, April at his head, and Mikey on one arm. The table is quickly covered in blood. Mikey says "Easy... easy..." END ID]

[ID: Donnie holding Splinter's other hand in both oh his, looking crestfallen. April hold a part of scissors above Spinter's head and says "Donnie, help me *cut* the clothing way and clear all this blood." Donnie replies "I... I... I don't know *where* to start." Donnie wears a brown hat with ear flaps, his eye mask aroud his neck like a scarf, and light coat. END ID]

crestfallen... broken... completely shattered? maybe thats just me tho.

[ID: Raph sitting at the table by Splinter's feet, arms crossed infront of him. He says "Foot bastards..." Mikey stands near him, looking sadly over Splinter. Mikey has a sleeveless hooded coat. END ID]

[ID: Leo sheathing one sword, he wears a dark brown leather duster. He has a few splashes of blood on him. END ID]

And thus completes the turtle fashion, sadness edition. Fellas I know its like. The worst day of your life (worst day of their life *so far*), but, you look great.

[ID: Donnie in profile looking solemn. Raph behind him has both hands to his head, face scrunched up in anguish. END ID]

I cannot bare these expression. I feel like im gonna explode. But it gets worse

The trifecta of mikey softness and utter devastation. [All are of Mikey sitting by Splinter's side, holding his hand]

[ID: 1. Gazing sadly at Splinter, expression looking wobbly saying "Rear guard Sensei. Making sure we all got *Clear.*" 2. Splinter is pained as he says "Karai... trying to end it... once and for all." Mikey in profile, tears running from under his mask, says "Shhh... We *got* you, Sensei. It's okay." 3. Small drawing in the corner of a panel. The hand hold is a very gentle clasp now. Mikey's eyes are closed and he's leant very close to Splinter's snout, as if they could be whispering, bumping heads, or just listening to his breath. END ID]

fucking. I. YOU. ArGH. my boy.... my boy.

time to miss that side of him even more.

[In all, present Mikey is devoid of gear, clothes or eye mask, but is his head and arms have many small square bandages]

[ID: Mikey in the foreground, sitting at a table, at the other seats are visions of his brothers, desaturated and in cooler tones. They have their identifiable features now, masks slightly tinted, and gear visible. They also look significantly younger than Mikey. There are 3 cups, a dirty plate and screwdriver -near Donnie- on the table. Leo says "Yeah. Hard to believe *anyone* survived that." And Raph adds "Talk about *miracles*... Right, Mike?". Mikey says "Uh... Yeah. Yeah. Right." END ID]

really comparing the flashback turtles to him fucks me right up. but anyway. donnie's inexplicable screwdriver tho...

[ID: Mikey standing up behind his seat at the table, now seeing the chairs and table top as completely empty. He finishes a previous sentence "... Honor." END ID]

Oh my friends, my friends don't ask me what your sacrifice was for.... much... jesus.

[ID: Mikey standing in a kitchen, as seen from the far side of the table. He raises a cup of tea and says "I *will* finish what *we* started. What *Master Splinter* raised us to do. The last *Oroku*... [will die.]". The three phantom hands of his brothers raise their cups too. END ID]

now. now. hmm. I. That's concerning. That. that doesnt seem good.

but. questions of parenting or perhaps lessons long since twisted, for a quest of vengence aside. I have to ask. Do u think perspective is just hard (to draw and interpret) or maybe Raph just like. Really likes big cups of tea...

Well speaking of him. Wonder how he was holding up in the past.

[ID: Raph, covered in blood, numerous arrows pierce his leather vest, his shell, and his skin. In a low stance he holds his sais up, teeth grit. Framed by a red moon is Oroku Karai, dressed in all red, two swords in backwards grips, and descending upon him. She says "Yes... *We will*!" END ID]

oh... okay then....

[ID: Two panels, of Raph fighting, even more battle damaged. 1. Arm outstretched, hes taken a sword in the junction between his shoulder and his shell almost up to the hilt, bleeding heavily. 2. Blocking a strike aiming at his head with his sai, head partially retracted into his shell. Karai and him are both down a weapon, his other hand empty and both of hers on her remaining sword. END ID]

Man...

So again. The not pictured for sake of. Not posting the whole dang comic and. for. ough boy. of it. Him and Karai's fight is a tragic symmetrical erosion until they end up in the water. Grappling and with one free hand each they stab each other. Great visuals, fucking heartbreaking. Thematic mirroring for the cost of violence for violence... The revenge for the deaths of their father's. (That would be. Assumed death, on Raph's part tho. which, aint that the kicker...)

So like. The suicidal solo mission acts of revenge run in the family huh.... woof.

[validity-is-powerful]

The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known - chap. 1

Hello friends. I already posted chapter 1 weeks ago, but I've finally gotten around to making a post about it.

Written with permission off this post by @sapphicdeath (my main is @strung-by-fate).

[Masterlist]

—

Summary: A day in the office. Nighttime sets the stage.

Warnings: none

Pairing: Hotch/Rossi

Words: 1.9k

Read below the cut, or on ao3.

__

The office was never empty, not even early in the morning as Hotch arrived. Already there were other employees there, setting up for their days or ending their nighttime shifts. He made his way to his office, nodding a greeting to those he passed.

He set up his desk, arranging the papers he would need to go through according to importance, as he frequently did. Occasionally, there would be a file he would go through first that wasn't overly important, but he would still go through first for other reasons.

It was easy to sink into the headspace he needed for the motions of reading each document and filling out what needed to be. A glance at the clock showed him it was eight. The team would likely be some time still.

Half an hour later, he looked up to see most of his team spilling into the bullpen, talking and laughing together. JJ was absent, but then, she had spoken yesterday of her son's fever and how she and Will were worried. He would give her until nine, then call. 

Hotch watched in silence as they settled into their desks, getting ready for the day without ever truly ending their conversation, save for Rossi, who found his way to his own office. It always felt distant, viewing them from behind the glass as he was now. He was part of the team, but there were times he wondered if he was truly part of it in anything but name. Mornings were some of those times, more often than not.

A knock on his door stirred him from his reverie.

"Come in."

"Hey, Hotch," Morgan said, opening the door. "Saying good morning."

"Good morning." 

"You looked a bit lonely up here this morning. Anything you want to talk about?" 

"I've been thinking," Hotch said. Morgan made a disbelieving but amused sound.

"Alright, man. But if you do ever want to talk, I'm always here."

"I know. Thank you." Morgan shut the door and walked off. Hotch returned to the work in front of him.

*

"You know, we don't actually know how many-" Reid began, only to be cut off by Prentiss.

"JJ, there you are. Everything alright? You're usually as early as Hotch." The other agent was rarely late, and yet it was almost nine. Hotch had been in the office for likely more than an hour, from what the others knew of his schedule.

"Yeah, everything's fine," JJ said, waving away her friend's concerns. "Henry has a fever, Will's watching him. I left a bit late because of that and hit traffic."

"Henry okay?" Reid chimed in from his desk.

"He will be," JJ assured the group. "He's warm but not dangerously so. We're just worried over how frequently he gets sick."

"That's not uncommon," Reid said. "The average child Henry's age tends to get several fevers a year, not to mention seven or eight colds. So I really wouldn't worry about it unless it's rather severe." He tapped his pen against his fingers, as he was wont to do. JJ nodded, a bit off-kilter

"Thanks, Reid."

*

"Prentiss." Her name being called grabbed her attention away from the report she was filling out as Morgan and Reid bickered behind her, and she turned. Hotch stood outside his office, waiting for her to turn. "I need to speak with you."

It wasn't only her attention that he had. Reid and Morgan were watching intently as well. She rose and made her way over, frowning.

"Something going on?" Hotch opened his door for her in answer. She entered, and he shut it behind them.

"You're not in trouble," he said once he had taken a seat at his desk and she was sitting in the chair across from him. "It's just some routine training. Seven months is a long time to be gone from the team. The Bureau needs to know you're still sharp."

"What do they need from me this time?" The retraining and assessments had been continuous since she had returned to the Unit. Hotch slid a form and a pen towards her.

"For you to fill that out, then report to the mats tomorrow. Morgan and I can cover your paperwork." She nodded.

"You can return to your desk. And, Emily. It's nice to have you back." She stood and moved to the door, then paused with one hand on it.

"Hotch?" He looked up questioningly. Prentiss smiled. "Thanks." She got a small smile in return.

*

Lunch was a remarkably quiet affair. Even Hotch deigned to join them, which was unusual in itself. 

"Is anyone doing something interesting this weekend?" Garcia asked.

"A friend and I have plans to go strawberry picking up in Pennsylvania,” Prentiss offered, which gained some approving nods around the table.

“Let’s hope nothing comes up, then.”

“You know, the garden strawberry is originally from Brittany, France, and is a cross of two other breeds, one from eastern North America and the other from Chile. It replaced the woodland strawberry, which had been around since the early 17th century,” was Reid’s contribution.

The talk after that shifted to work, and what had come up in reports. Some members were more vocal than others. Hotch was frequently observant but largely silent when there wasn’t a case, staying in his office and working alone. Rossi preferred to observe as well, but tended to be more active in the conversation.

*

Towards the end of the day, Hotch knocked on JJ’s door.

“Come in,” was the call he was greeted with. She looked up in surprise as he entered, hands pausing on the file she was looking over. “Hey, Hotch. There’s nothing demanding we fly out, though there are a couple of cases that we should offer a consultation on.” He made a small, dismissive gesture.

“I’m not here to discuss cases yet. I trust your judgement.” She smiled.

“Um, thanks. Why are you here, then?”

“Checking on you. You’ve seemed distraught today.” JJ gave him a tight smile.

“It’s nothing, really. It’s this job. It’s my son being sick. I’m fine, Hotch.”

“JJ, if you want to talk, I’m here. And if you need to take some time off, no one’s going to think less of you.”

“I know that.”

“But?”

“But I can’t bear to.” She sighed, quietly. “I can’t step away from this desk and these files, knowing that if I take even a day off, they’re going to pile up and by the time I get through, there’s going to be more bodies. They aren’t my fault, and I know that, but some days it weighs on me more heavily than others.”

She looked up, studying his face. “I can do this job.”

“I know.”

“I just have bad days.”

“Look at me.” JJ lifted her eyes, meeting his own. Hotch continued softly. “You go through files detailing some of the worst acts human beings have committed every day. You have to choose who we try to catch, knowing that the others that you don’t pick are going to keep on killing. Of course this job weighs on you. I want you to know that you have my respect. You’ve always had it. If you need anything, I’m here for you.”

She smiled, teary-eyed.

“Thank you, Hotch.” She slid him a file. He took it.

“The evil in the world is not your fault,” he reminded her as he opened the door to leave.

“Nor is it yours,” she said.

*

It was unusual for any of them to, towards the end of the day, find themselves with a light enough load of work to begin thinking about heading home. It was unfortunately common amongst members of the team to stay far later than was healthy in order to finish filling out some form or report, or to finish reading through a file.

The time was approaching eight by the time Rossi wrapped up the final file he was reviewing. He shook out his wrist, stood, and began packing up.

Then, as was custom on the nights it was just the two of them left, he made his way to Hotch’s office.

Hotch looked up as he entered. “Budget reports,” he said in answer to the questioning look. “HR wants to make another cut and Strauss has me looking over the proposal in case they go through with it.” Rossi dropped into one of the chairs opposite Hotch’s desk.

“What’s it look like for the team?”

“There’s no threat of downsizing this time.” Hotch made another mark and kept reading.

“Well, that’s good, at least.”

Rossi watched in silence as his friend continued to make his way through the report, his usual frown etched on his face even now, in the quiet stillness when it was just the two of them.

Hotch set the file aside some ten minutes later. He took his things as well, then Rossi opened the door for them both and they headed out.

The elevator ride and the walk to the main entrance passed in a blur, and before long, the two of them had reached the parking lot and their cars. They had parked beside each other, something that had started out being convenience (they tended to leave late, and together), and had turned into a habit both were unwilling to break.

“I’ll see you tonight?” Rossi asked as they stood face to face, closer than was perhaps appropriate for two colleagues. Hotch’s hand found his waist.

“Tonight,” he agreed. “An hour from now, my place?”

“Works for me,” Rossi told him. The kiss they shared was brief and chaste. Nothing else was safe, and even that much was too much for a place like the parking lot of Quantico.

*

An hour later, Hotch had seen Jack safely to bed and now opened the door to admit his partner. Rossi entered, and they found their way to the kitchen, trading soft words and sure hands, at ease with each other.

Their relationship was far from new, after all. They had been working with each other for a little over two decades and had been friendly throughout. Their romantic involvement was shorter, but still had several years on it. 

Hotch took Rossi’s free hand as they drank, and Rossi could feel the cold of the ring Hotch wore against his skin. They both wore the rings signifying their relationship, though what exactly the rings signified he couldn’t say.

“I’ve been wondering,” Hotch said into the quiet. They had never dared to go further than what they had. A serious relationship between two employees, especially two senior employees, was enough risk as it was. Marriage was out of the question for more than one reason. Anything more than friendship was already putting the team at risk. If one of them was injured or killed on a case, the other would be more vulnerable than was safe with their job. Relationships were a risk, always had been. Unfortunately for them and countless others, their hearts had never cared.

“We have plans to not go further until we’re retired.” Hotch paused, turning the words over in his mind and finding the right ones. “But if we could safely, Dave, would you marry me?”

“Yes,” was the answer that fell from Rossi’s lips, before he sealed them over Hotch’s again. He tasted desperation and the wine they had drunk. The glasses found their way onto the counter as he wrapped his arms around his lover, holding him close as Hotch did the same.

[itsbigdangofamily]

i’ve been waiting all my life for this morning

A/N: OjiTooru fluff, because OjiTooru deserves more love. You can also read it on AO3.

The first thing Mashirao sees when he wakes up is sunlight streaming through the wide glass windows, whirling dust motes caught in the golden glare. He can feel an arm draped over his chest, and, under the sheets, a leg tangled between both of his, resting against his tail.

Mashirao smiles as he turns over, removing Tooru’s hand from his chest and gently kissing the center of her palm. She murmurs softly, the sunlight striking the pillow where an indentation marks the position of her head. 

Levering himself up on his elbow, Mashirao leans over Tooru and presses a kiss to the general location of her face, his mouth touching her cheek. His next kiss is aimed better, grazing the corners of her lips.

“Wake up, sleepyhead,” Mashirao says softly, fondly stroking her hair as she groans drowsily. After a second, the indentation on the pillow changes shape as she rolls her head in his direction and pulls Mashirao down for a proper kiss. Their mouths move languidly against each other, sweet and slow and loving.

“Good morning,” Tooru says when they pull away from each other, a smile in her voice. As Mashirao reaches down to cup the face of his wife—the thought sends a giddy rush through him, conjuring up a thousand images of the previous day—he can’t help but return her smile.

+

Mashirao is six years old, laughing as he sprints through a wide sunny field. 

In front of him, his friend Haruto holds a model airplane over his head, making flying noises with his mouth as he races through the grass. 

They end up at the base of a giant oak tree. The two small boys collapse gratefully under the cool shade of its leafy branches, chests heaving and lungs gasping. But small boys are an inexhaustible source of energy, and soon Haruto is back on his feet again.

“Planes are the coolest!” Haruto yells, holding his model plane aloft as he runs around in the shade. “When I grow up, I’m going to become a pilot!”

“That’s . . . That’s great,” Mashirao heaves out, still trying to catch his breath.

“What about you? What are you going to be when you grow up?” Haruto asks, feet in a perpetual state of motion as he races circles around Mashirao.

“I—” Mashirao starts. What does he want to be when he grows up? The question leaves his mind completely blank. Mashirao likes things, sure, but he’s not like Haruto, with his obsession with planes and jets and pilots. Mashirao doesn’t have anything like that, nothing he’s so single-mindedly devoted to. 

“I don’t know,” Mashirao admits finally. Haruto makes a disappointed noise, unsatisfied with Mashirao’s response. He moves on quickly enough though, as small boys are wont to do.

Mashirao tries to do the same, tries to let go of this strange curdled feeling in his stomach at the thought of the future and growing up and being an adult and having a job. 

He tries.

+

“We should really get up,” Mashirao says as Tooru peppers his face with kisses, one arm wrapped around his neck while the other gently strokes his tail.

“Why?” Tooru asks. “Staying in bed all day sounds far more appealing.”

“Work,” Mashirao replies with a smile. He presses a final kiss to Tooru’s lips before sitting up and sliding out of bed, his bare feet hitting the hardwood floor with a soft thud. 

“You’re no fun,” Tooru complains as Mashirao rummages on the floor of their closet for clothes. Behind him, he hears Tooru reluctantly get up, grumbling and yawning as she makes her way to the bathroom. A second later, the shower starts up, the sound a soothing background noise as Mashirao finally manages to locate a pair of relatively clean boxers.

He soon joins Tooru in the bathroom, hovering over the sink as he spreads shaving cream on his face. To his right, Tooru hums quietly as she stands beneath the spray, water droplets seeming to hang oddly in midair as they cling to her skin.

“Want to join me? I’ll let you scrub my back,” Tooru says sultrily, but it’s the tone she uses when she’s only half-serious about what she’s saying.

Mashirao doesn’t look away from the mirror, carefully dragging the razor along the line of his jaw. “If I did that, we wouldn’t leave for another three hours,” Mashirao comments as he tilts his head to inspect his cheek.

“I fail to see the problem with that.” 

“Work.”

“You know, no one really expects us to come to work the day after our wedding,” Tooru says half-accusingly, but a second later, she’s stepping out of the shower and wrapping a towel around herself.

Truthfully, Mashirao doesn’t really want to go to work today either. He’d much rather laze the day away in bed, cuddling his wife—happiness fills him at the thought; he still can’t quite believe they’re married—in his arms. Or better yet, take a week-long vacation to Kyoto, or Venice, or Paris. He’s always wanted to go to Paris.

Alas, being a pro hero requires certain sacrifices, among them giving up honeymoons.

He and Tooru took the entire day off yesterday for their wedding, and they’re already late getting up today—at the insistence of their sidekicks, who had all but ordered them not to show up before at least noon—but their agency is still less than a year old, and they truly can’t afford to take any more time off.

Not that he minds too much. 

+

Mashirao is fifteen years old, in his last year of middle school, nervously fidgeting in his chair as his teacher asks him what his plans for the future are.

“I’m planning on applying to UA,” Mashirao admits, a ball of nerves tightening in his chest. 

His teacher blinks once, surprised, then tries to cover it up with a smile. “You want to be a hero, Ojiro-kun? How wonderful. I’m sure you’ll be great at it. You’re such a kind boy.”

Honestly, Mashirao isn’t sure this is the right decision at all. He’s talked to other people who dream of becoming pro heroes, people who want it more than anything. Their rooms are filled with hero merch, and they watch news segments religiously, and their eyes shine like stars whenever they talk about their favorite heroes. 

And it’s not that he doesn’t want to be a hero—he thinks pro heroes are really cool, and having a job that lets him help people doesn’t sound like a bad way to spend the rest of his life. It’s just that sometimes he looks at all the other hero hopefuls, and he thinks, I don’t care enough, I’m not devoted enough, I’m not certain enough that this is what I want to be. I’m not like you, I’m not like you, I’m not like you.

Sometimes, he can’t help but remember Haruto, his friend from years ago. He remembers that day running in the grass, remembers collapsing in the shade, remembers Haruto’s innocent question.

He’s still haunted by that question, by the realization that he doesn’t love anything as much as Haruto loved planes, doesn’t want anything as much as Haruto wanted to be a pilot.

It’s such a stupid thing to hold on to, after all this time.

It’s such a stupid thing, but he still hasn’t learned how to let go.

+

Mashirao’s phone dings as he leans against the wall beside the front door, waiting for Tooru to finish getting dressed. He opens his messages to find two texts from his older sister. He’s typing out a reply when Tooru comes into the room. She’s wearing her hero costume, which makes her fully invisible, but Mashirao has long since become familiar with the sound of her footsteps.

“Ready?” she asks as she pulls on her custom-made shoes, just as invisible as she is.

“Yeah. Just got to finish this text to Tsuyoi-nee really quick,” Mashirao responds, hurriedly finishing his reply before putting his phone away.

“Oh? What she’d say?” Tooru pulls the door of their apartment open and steps into the hallway, Mashirao following as she presses the call button for the elevator.

“She said they’re just about to board the plane. She also berated me for not taking more time off.”

“See! Tsuyoi-nee agrees with me,” Tooru declares triumphantly as the elevator doors slide open. Mashirao laughs, barely looking behind him as he jabs the button for the lobby with his tail.

“That doesn’t really prove anything. You and Tsuyoi-nee agree on everything.” It had been a little disconcerting, at first, to find out just how similar Tooru was to his older sister. The two women, by contrast, had gleefully jumped at the opportunity to double-team him into doing whatever they wanted.

“I’m just saying, you’re supposed to be married to me, not your job.” Playfully, she tugs on the hem of his costume.

As the elevator descends, Mashirao wraps his tail around Tooru’s waist, bringing her in closer. “Why can’t I be married to both?” he asks, lightly kissing the top of her head. It’s at times like these that he can’t help but appreciate the difference in their heights.

He feels sure Tooru is rolling her eyes, but she leans up for another kiss anyway.

+

Mashirao is eighteen years old, just months away from graduating high school, and the thought of the future still sets his insides churning furiously.

It doesn’t help that all his classmates seem to be so sure of their post-graduation plans.

Everywhere he turns, he hears people talking about job offers and agencies and renting new apartments and finding roommates. Sometimes, it all just makes him feel like he’s drowning, like he’s the only person in a roiling sea who hasn’t found anything to hold on to keep him afloat.

He and Tooru still haven’t talked about what they’re going to do after graduation. He’s thought about bringing it up to her so many times, but every time he does, his nerves sew his mouth firmly shut.

They’ve been dating since their first year, and the thought of breaking up with her sends a physical ache through him. But at the same time, the idea of spending the rest of his life with her fills him with an unspeakable uncertainty.

It’s the same uncertainty he felt when he first decided to apply to UA—misgivings over having made the wrong choice, doubt that this is something he can actually do.

During his three years at UA, he’s discovered an enthusiasm for hero work, a joy in being able to save people, delight in everything that a pro hero does. He loves it, loves every damn second he spent here, loves all the people he’s met, loves all the skills he’s honed, loves all the friends he’s made. 

And he loves dating Tooru too. He cares for her so, so deeply, more intensely than he thought he could ever care for anyone.

Yet the thought of forever, of being a hero forever, of being with Tooru forever—it scares him.

Forever is a long time, and he’s scared that somewhere down the line, he’ll run out of passion for his job and his girlfriend, and then he’ll be stuck. Stuck because he didn’t have enough love for the path he tread.

Twelve years past, and he still can’t forget Haruto.

+

“I cannot believe you guys actually came to work the day after your wedding,” FX says as Mashirao and Tooru walk through the doors of their agency.

“We’re pro heroes. No rest for the wicked, and no rest for us either,” Tooru responds. Mashirao kindly refrains from mentioning that Tooru had been complaining about having to come to work less than five minutes ago. 

The sidekick shakes her head in disbelief, her green-tipped ponytail swinging back and forth. “Well, if you want to work so bad, be my guest,” she says, making a grandiose sweeping gesture toward the elevator to Mashirao and Tooru’s office. “I’ll get Kaze to bring over some reports in a bit.”

“Oh, joy. Paperwork,” Tooru mutters under her breath as they step into the elevator.

Just as the doors are about to close, FX calls loudly through the gap, “You two better not be fucking when I send him up!”

Mashirao sputters, feeling his cheeks turn a dark shade of red, while Tooru laughs. “That mouth of hers is going to get her in trouble someday.” 

“Isn’t that why you hired her?” Mashirao asks archly. 

“You bet!” If Mashirao could see her face, he’s sure Tooru would be grinning broadly right now.

The elevator doors open, and they make their way down the short hallway to their office. Tooru pushes the door open and steps inside, humming. However much she might have protested getting out of bed, Tooru loves hero work. She’s just as happy to be at the agency as he is, he can tell.

Without warning, his mind flashes back to his third year at UA, right before graduation. He remembers the anxiety he felt then, the uncertainty about his path in life. God, he’d been so young—eighteen years old, and feeling like the whole world was riding on his shoulders.

He’ll forever be grateful to Tooru. Tooru, who encouraged him and reassured him and pushed him to be a hero despite all his misgivings, despite all his doubts. Tooru, who’s been at his side all these years, through good and bad, through thick and thin.

He won’t lie. It hasn’t been easy. Being a pro hero isn’t easy, after all. There’s been injuries and hospitals and far too much blood. There’s been sweat and exhaustion and fatigue clawing at his soul. There’s been tears and funerals and enough grief for a lifetime.

But somewhere along the way, sometime during the years of daily patrols and emergency calls and disaster relief—Mashirao stopped worrying. He stopped being uncertain about life and started living it.

And now, standing in his very own agency in Shizuoka, in the office he shares with his wonderful, amazing wife, he can’t imagine any other life he’d rather have.

Stepping toward Tooru, he wraps her in a hug. She reciprocates, folding her arms around his neck. “I love you,” he says softly, leaning down to kiss her. He can feel her smile as she kisses back, her tongue teasingly tracing a path along Mashirao’s lips. He opens his mouth, and her tongue slips inside.

Things are just about to get heated when a knock interrupts them, and Tooru pulls back with a disappointed sigh. She opens the door on a short boy, fresh out of high school, with unkempt silver hair and half-lidded golden eyes.

“Reports from FX-senpai,” Kaze says emotionlessly, holding out a stack of files. Tooru takes them from his hands with only minimal grumbling as Kaze slowly scans the entire room, gaze seeming to brighten as he takes in Mashirao.

“Thank you, Kaze-kun,” Tooru replies as she sets the stack on the desk with a heavy thud. “You can go now,” she adds when he remains standing just inside the doorway.

“FX-senpai said to tell her if you two were doing anything naughty,” Kaze continues in his monotone voice, ignoring Tooru’s command. Mashirao feels his face start to heat up again.

“Well, you can tell her that we weren’t,” Tooru replies, calm as ever. 

Kaze blinks once slowly. “You’re lying,” he says baldly. The statement is directed at Tooru, but his eyes are fixed on Mashirao—specifically, his lips. Mashirao’s cheeks rapidly increase in temperature as Tooru lets out a long-suffering sigh.

“You really should be going now,” Tooru says, giving the boy no choice as she quickly ushers him out of the office and closes the door.

“FX is really such a bad influence,” Tooru remarks, but her voice is fond. Mashirao lets out an embarrassed groan, his head falling into his hands. Tooru laughs, walking over to him and lifting his head up, her palms cupping his cheeks. “Oh, relax. It’s not like she hasn’t caught us kissing in here before.”

“Remind me again why we hired her?”

“Because I like her.” There’s a grin in Tooru’s voice, and Mashirao can’t help but grin back, even though the blood has yet to recede from his cheeks.

This is his life, complete with irreverent sidekicks and monotone newbies and all.

And he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

[damdahdi-studies]

exam season

the last 2 weeks have been exam season. leading up to exams i ran week-long blocks of distracting websites on my mac, so I haven’t been able to get on tumblr.... so finally updating now: (more like ranting.) 

one math exam left, on thursday morning

exams so far have been.... okay. none of them i feel particularly good about, but overall i think i managed to deal with the stress/anxiety better this semester than last, just a little bit 

some nice things that happened before exams: 

100% in Chinese speaking mock exam, listening and writing section of written mock exam. i didn’t really realise it until i looked back on my old posts and read how i felt after first set of exams just now, but i have come ... maybe not a long way, but some kind of way :] at the time i was very insecure about just myself and barely believed i could improve on my own; yet i did to a standard i never could’ve dreamed even start of this year. 

somehow obtained 90% in an oral presentation i made about The Crucible by Arthur Miller. i still don’t know how I did it, but I’m glad i improved from the 60s i got last semester in presentations. public speaking still felt like hell though 

top female scorer in my state for some maths competition. also have no idea how i did this, i thought i would get distinction at best. 

changed piano teachers (previous teacher recommended the new one) 

dress for year 12 ball next year arrived. it’s a soft grey pretty thing 

my birthday was during exam season :/ 

also first set of my own prayer beads arrived. have been using them daily since 

reflecting on each subject: (so I can read back on this after i get my marks back and be like haha....  you fool.) 

Literature: better than last time is all i can say... it was okay (still felt like hell during the exam because it’s Literature) managed time during exam slightly better, I didn’t panic as much, but that’s about it lmao i’m crossing my fingers for a low 70s and double crossing for an A. i wasn’t able to or simply didn’t contribute much effort/time to literature this semester, so a B wouldn’t really be a fuck-i-tried-so-hard-why-did-i-get-this-grade kind of punch in the gut, but it would be really nice to not break an all A streak... but I highly suspect I will get a B

Methods (maths): exam was harder than i expected. hoping for a 90s though, a mark that wont bring my average down. i think i was best prepared for methods compared to other subjects, emphasis on COMPARED to other subjects. -_- 

Physics: ahh physics. a whole debacle happened during the exam, please see below. other than that the exam was... kind of expected difficulty? which is difficult, but it wasn’t terrible-terrible. i’m hoping for an 80s. i really can’t hope for much, i was probably delirious half the time. i did manage to ‘finish’ (attempt every question) though i wish i got more time... i couldn’t double check many questions and there was this one question i wanted to spend more time on but oh well... 

summary: i threw up once before the exam, twice during.  

ate a blueberry bagel with cream cheese, with some salmon on top for breakfast. looking back, it was probably the salmon. 

didn’t feel good after. got to school feeling pretty sick in the stomach and a pretty bad headache.... which escalated to one of the worst headaches ive had in the last 3 years in 20 minutes 

at this point i could tell something was wrong and that i was about to throw up 

went to the toilet, tried to throw up whatever was causing pain to my body, but couldn’t. only ended up scaring away some poor kid in the next cubicle 

FIRST TIME: left toilet. sit still for 10 minutes outside, feeling progressively worse. go back to the toilet, then throw up a lot. gargle, wash face, go back to find everyone filing into the exam room. 

feeling slightly better at this point since ive thrown up (i thought i had emptied most of my stomach by then. spoiler alert: no) and decide internally to just do the exam. (if i don’t, then i would have to fill out some form, probably do the exam way later. too annoying) 

SECOND TIME: so i sit the exam. 5-6 minutes into reading time, i feel another wave of throwing up coming. i raise my hand, i’m at the very back of the hall, so examiner takes a bit to notice. my brainwashed ass brain thinks i can’t stand up and leave without the examiners spoken permission, so i persist in sitting in my seat for around 10 seconds until she’s there, i’m already throwing up in my mouth at this point. finally something snaps and i make a break for the toilet, but it’s too late and i throw up all over the floor. in the exam hall. Fuck. i immediately apologise on the spot. 

examiner leads me to toilet. i throw up some more. gargle, wash face. she asks me to step outside for a couple of minutes for fresh air and i do. 5 minutes later she comes back and asks me if i want to continue the exam. i say yes. we go back in, the vomit is gone from the floor. she moves my seat closer to the exit, and tells me i can bolt out whenever i need to throw up. i sit the exam. 

some time after this, the other examiner leaves a vomit bag next to me just in case

THIRD TIME: an hour in? i feel another wave coming. i grab the vomit bag, make a dash for the toilets but the stupid old door won’t open properly. the examiner helps me open the door and i throw up in the toilets, in the vomit bag this time. it’s not as much as the previous two times. tie up the bag, throw it in the bin, gargle, wash face. 

instinctively i feel that this is the last time i’ll throw up, that i’ve truly emptied everything from my stomach this time. headache is way weaker at this point. 

go back in and examiner asks me if i’m really sure i want to continue the exam, whether or not if i want to fill in a form excusing myself from the exam. i say no.

about an hour left in the exam, which i sit in utter peace 

didn’t get any extra time. 

apologised to some people around me after the exam while filing out of the hall... i suffered but they did too. 

went home and drank some stomach soothing tea. slept

ate porridge for the next 2 days. 

Chemistry: it was.... okay. i did finish and attempt every question. there were a couple of questions in multiple choice i was iffy about and a question in short answer i was like um... what? to, but other than that it was.... eh. i didn’t study much for it, so whatever mark i get i deserve. if i do defend myself it was 3 days after the shit show that was the physics exam, and i felt sick for at least a day after.... but yeah. should’ve tried more. 

during reading time, the examiner who saved my life put the vomit bag on my desk in the physics exam came and asked me if i was feeling better 

i said i’m feeling good thanks : ) 

like an hour later? i feel sickness coming. not stomach this time, just general sickness. somehow i get a fever and subsequently, the FLU in the middle of the chem exam- 

i highly suspect i got it from the examiner 

come back home to find out that i really do have a fever

this was yesterday. yes i’m sick now. like, more sick. 

Chinese: this was today. i’m still kind of too traumatised to reflect on it properly. Chinese is the only subject that ive studied the yr 12 course for this year, so this exam really counts. like 35% of my final grade counts kind of counts. and i did pretty bad. like pretty bad. it was definitely more difficult than the mock exams, and the recordings in listening section were quicker than previous years. the writing section was... traumatising while writing i kind of had a wave of anxiety/panic hit me? i could feel my heartbeat my face was burning and i started sweating ;-; and even the reading section, which is usually okay, was a bit hard. i’ll get the marks back and my final grade for this subject in December - we’ll see until then. got a slightly overdue birthday present before the exam tho :) 

So yup. that’s my exam season. i’m typing this instead of studying for my maths exam day after tomorrow but hey, i’m sick and need rest, right? 

overall, these exams i managed to keep control of my stress a bit better, i wasn’t so overwhelmed like last time. last semester i could barely live, literally. this time i made the habit of living at the library which i found really helpful and comparatively productive, i’ll definitely be using that strategy more often. i’m just glad i managed to study SOMETHING or prepare for exams explicitly this time, because i was simply too overwhelmed to do that last time. i improved. maybe not by much, maybe it doesn’t seem like much, but it’s better than none... 

i’m not saying i don’t have regrets or shortcomings in these exams. i definitely do. DeFinITEly. but doesn’t mean i didn’t improve. i did improve. just, maybe not as much as i wanted. 

i really learned to the bone this time that learning during the semester is so, so important. i think that’s just a wisdom i’ll have to carry through the rest of my academic career. 

wish me luck for my maths exam on Thursday 

my friends and ive already planned an outing for after the exams :) 

also getting overdue birthday presents next monday! :D 

[queencryo]

@silly-go-round is asleep right now.

i guess i should make a journal for the past few days. as good a time as any. as AMY. heh. cuz shes super good and amazing. heh.

uh...... lessee.... for the two days after the last journal i just. hung out at the house while silly worked. i managed to not keep her in bed and make her late the second day. hung out a lot, watched more adventure time, worked on my tumblr filter script (lie. i judt ran it on my main. 200 posts / day is a bitchhhh) , played a good amount of ds3 (to pointof tetris effect at a couple points the nexg few days)

also did some like. helpful tasks. washed some dishes (undone quicklu, but. eh). not enough, mot as much as i shouldve, but... i tried i guess.

alao we've like. said the same thing at the dame time a Lot while ive been here and its like. nice. its really nice. same wavelength! i feel so close go her.

oh! alxo night before last we went grocery shoping. got food for prolly enoygh for the two weeks, but i guess we'll see. also a cheesecake! it was.... echausting. hily fuck it was exhaysting. jesus. the store was big and it took like 3 hours and $200 to get everything but. we did itttt.

we both mentionef that like. it felt nice to like. have a full fridge 2gether. cuz. it feels like were gonna have a futjre togetjer? u know. like that is. i love her a lot and it feels good for this to feel like a home for a little while. we hope that it can be so in tbe future.

so YESTERDAY she finally FINALLY taught me how to play magic the gathering. it was. a long time coming. but she brought me into the store and like. sat me down w some regulars and had me play commander. i played moooostly her snake deck, so like.that was fun!! i kept talki g about how i woulda gotten lorescale Coatl up to 39/39 and flying, had i like. gotten q more turn. but on that game D was running a mill deck that was. extremely long to play (that game took like ~>2 hours ugh), and was very bery annoying, so i didnt get to actually do that.

but it was fun! part of me wants to blog everything, but i dont think i will.

im glad to be able to use silly's decks, bc i dont think i want to make my own. im considering making a cheap angel deck or smth, but we'll see if yhat actually ends up happening.

i also met her girlfriend Iz, who is sweet. i played magic w her fkr a while, which was fun! she was runni g an annoying mono black deck (i kkow all these... these Terms and Words now, its incredible...)

shes sweet and i think i like her. dunno if enough to date yet (which makes me Partially regret flirting w her so much in the groupchat but. hey)

talked w her some, mostly about magic, hung out while silly closed the store, pet her cat, silly discovered that cyddling w TWO girlfriends is very nice (not rhat id know ;;;;;;;), was good times. i dont think im as comfy w izzy physically yet as i may have implied in messages, which hopefully wull be rectified by the message i just sent her (my initial physical comfort with people varies, it depends very much on the person)

skip forward, me and silly make a pizza at home cuz were fuckin tired, she admonishes me for not eating for uh... like 11 hours or smth (that mornings bagel was VERY good tho omg), but adderall, so like... meh.

uh... i dont think anything else on yesterday...

today! we waaamted to go to the store at like. 2. but in actuality got there at like! 330.

i went back to sleep cuz im a losenerd, and she. made this breakfast casserole thing. which hse put into a bagel abd brought to me bc i guess shes the best person on the entire earth oh my GOD. jesus

skip... apparently she knows maximum the hormone and doesnt like them very much... fair fair. (cause for xeath)

came to the store agai. tofay. it was fun and good. iz didnt come in today, do played some more with regulars. played w what is apparently called a blink deck, which revolvea arounf exiling cards then immediately bringing them back, to capitalize on "when this enters battlefield, do smth" cards. neat!

i DID actually manage to win today!!! the victory was. literally handed to me, but like. thats fine! i was playing silly's uhhh... elintor the masked? idr her name :( the mask planewalker! deck, which. i had SO much land, most of wh8ch was enchanfed. meaning it could be tapped then untapped w eljntor's thing, then tapped again for DOUBLE MANA. i mean. i had like 9/turn even b4 that but. BUT. i also had. i think i drew 3 creatures total. bit anyway. i had the white card that gave me a life whenever a creature was put on tge board (and also, w another enchantment, made all non-me creagurss and enchantments enter the board tapped, so. nya). so... rob had a card what dealt one damGe to all other players whenevr he puta. creature on the board. then he played united forces, which lets each player commit X mana to create X 1/1 soldier tokens on all players' boards. so. we made 28 white soldier tokens on everyones board. this killed perry, ans gave me, uh. 56 life (84 - 28). i then attacked ron for 28 w the soldiers, and drew sacred mesa, which lets me sacrifice 2 mana (1 any color, 1 white, but i had so many cards that said "this land can instead be tapped for 2 of any color, so like. ueah) to create a 1/1 flying pegasus token. so i. ended the game w 44 white 1/1 tokens. goblins get fucked.attack w my ssoldiers cuz his were tapped, so brought him down to 7 life. i didng catch what he did w the enchantment, but i think he said he like. put a copy of every creature on my side of the board onto his board, and then. cipying that enchantment 3 times. so. holy FUCK. wow. BUT those all came in tapped and i had 18 flying yokens, so. i still won! yay!!!! i won a game of magic!!!!!

goblin decks scare me. stop running krenko you fucks. exponential goblins goddamn

silly would come by every so often and like. look over my dhoulder and say "oh that was dumb whyd u use fabricate for thay" which is fair. but also god i love her. (i used fabricate for a mana generator insteaf of lightning greaves. whateverrrr) i love her so much dear god. i wish i coukd help w the store more, but. on the same time i also. dont enjoy working. so. maybe part time.

hm. what ekse. oh yeah i kove her so much.

by the end of the night it was just. me and her, rob and the two regulars i started out llaying w yestwrday. theyre sweet, i like them. theyre married. the dude calls me honey smtimes, which is. kinda weird? dunno how i feel about that. i guess fine. its gender-nice, but still a lil uncomfy. otherwise i like em fien, though. but they talked abouy moving into sillys apt. so thats cool!! better than her current (awful, terrible, lazy / horrifically depressed / manchild roomate, who doesnt clean ever) roomate. i was reading the monster of the week gamebook thruout, which i... bought, for some reason. idk. oh also i wanna make a fallen angel divine, because im... predictableeee. also a conspiracy thworist whos just a trans woman w way too much time and really weird hobbies (throwing knices, butterfly knife, net friends, etc). also a spooky. i speny like. 3 hours reading thr7 the monster of the week book while ppl played magic around me. i kinda wish i hadnt bought it, but hey! its neat c:

oh, also i didnt take adderall today. i dont think it went toooo bad, i think i like. was meaner and less thohghtful with what i said, but like. i guess thats better than feared. i took a caffeine pill (200mg) at ariund 10 which is. prolly why im wide awake right now. i regret doing that, sincr from what shes said tmos gonna be big)

she says we gotta be at her moms by 4, for reasons she WONT TELL ME. bit she says its part of one of her plans, i ASSUME the romantic one? im kind of afraid that ill like. no-sell it unwillingly because im abroke and soulless human being, but uh. i guess rhats thw risks we take to be alive :shrug: im excited. were also going to a shop (diff one) tmo, which im Quite excited for, as ive only been in similar shops by accident before. also doing laundry!!! which is important ^_^

oh ysah. so we got white castle on the way home. its. yeah she was r8ght. mediocre-at-best sliders. onions are bad.

we also made a pizza. whifh i ate most of. i overate. sob.

she fell asleep halfway thry an episode of nailed it. cant blame her, she seemed really tired. i hipe i dont disturb her rwst. and i feel so utterly blessed thay i can be around her.

ih!! i also fell down the last few staies ywstersay. bruised my arms, but otherwise fine. it was. idk, it is nice to knoe that others worry fir me and like me. she was very concerned. i love her.

[fmdxjerome]

*naomi pokes her head in after disappearing for the 600th time* bonjour 

family things where the reason i was so m.i.a. this past week. but i’m here now and i’m going to follow and unfollow people. update some things (like points, plots and tag lists) and head into ims. the good things. sorry i keep disappearing, it’s a weird time. i hope you all are doing good though. people who i have not talked to yet, i’m sorry i still haven’t introduced myself to you all. i’ll gradually work on this. people who i plotted with before, you know i’m gradually trying to get back to that too. i’m very out of the loop with everything.

though! working on some things. writing, photoshop, things, yeah.

but that aside i kinda wanted to take the space of this ooc post to elaborate on the headcanon i wrote yesterday? because? wow. uh. what the hell was that. i wont talk about the topics of the story itself so dont worry if they are triggering to you, i wont be mentioning anything in here.

i just. i started writing the headcanon because my inspiration for anything else was nil. i had things done for my starter (things that had to go out before it for the starter to make sense) and i was preparing to write but nothing came out. and i saw the days ticking by then so i thought “a headcanon will give me something to put out as i dont want to loose jerome but also don’t want to go on hiatus again”. i thought it’ll be like 1000 words and just explain seulgi and chanyeol a bit but it turned into that. i kinda got sucked into it. like, very badly. i wrote it in two days and two nights with little sleep and a lot of tears and it fucked me up but not in a bad way persay (not in a good way either but). after my hiatus i’ve been all kinds of weird with jerome? i haven’t known how to put him out there and advertise him as a cool dude to new and old people in here and i blame my mood for that? because when i was all meme kid 2000 it was easier to thrust him into people’s dm’s, but then after the hiatus i’ve been so goddamned serious about everything that even the funny posts i try to make dont make it to the blog because i think about them too much? (honestly. i have a backlog of memes guys.). then i write that, start writing that with the beginning and end in mind and it’s so goddamned dark but it gets my emotions out and makes me feel more intrigued to flesh out jerome. it relieves me a bit. 

because the thing about jerome is that family is one of the most important things for him. and exploring chanyeol, who had everything jerome had wanted when he grew up (to be raised by a mother who looked like him and loved him), made me find jerome again. it’s the comparing of lives that do it, how two brothers that came from the same prompt live such different lives because of the polarizing answers their mothers gave to one of the hardest question in life. but then again they have so much the same; the drinking, the faces, the laughs, the ridicule, and so much more. they’re more like twins than they are brothers, just years apart and not quite the same.

(there is a reason why *if you read the story* i pinned their situations against each other often, give the perspective of jerome’s life whilst giving context to chanyeols)

and i dont know if jerome will ever know about chanyeol, meet seulgi, find a connection with his mother, feel a bond with his sibling (who’s connection form is almost done, i’m hoping for a sister) or find the bad of himself in his father but it’s the start of exploring this part of jerome’s life, his bloodlines, that get me so much more into jerome’s story. because it is such an important piece in his life.

and look, you might think “but thats marie!” if you look over his blog or read his bio (please dont. its ugly.), that she’s the most influential thing in jerome’s character as she’s the one who basically created “yuddy”. and yeah, she’s important. he still gets anxious when she teeters with the information only they know and still gets furious when he sees her face. but it’s family that starts it all. 

he wouldn’t be as searching for warmth if it wasn’t for the fact that he views himself to be abandoned when just a baby, which his mother did with all the heart break in her heart. he wouldn’t be as proving and intense if it wasn’t for the fact that he feels like he has just one moment to cement himself in someone’s memory as something to desire (whether its about music, lust, love, etc.). he wouldn’t be as afraid of loosing important people in his life if he hadn’t lost the most important one of all.

also, he wouldn’t be as natural with the flirting and the charming smirks if it wasn’t for the fact that his father had that natural allure to him, too. had that bad treatment, too. had that booming confidence, too. and had that selfishness, too. (i villainize chanwook a lot. but he was just a guy who didn’t like commitments, he wants the fun and nothing else. hmm doesn’t that sound familiar.)

yuddy was a reaction to marie, but made possible because of chanwook. hey, thats pretty deep.

anyway, what also was interesting with exploring chanyeol was the fact that jerome’s biggest wish was to be able to look at someone and recognize himself in it. with his adoption family he obviously couldnt do that. and to add another layer in his hometown there were no korean faces, no ethnicity he could belong to. (i dont know how it is in legit laval and martigné-sur-mayenne as i am just a dumb kid who only has the internet to find things out BUT as i live in a western european town *obliviously naomi you’re dutch* thats pretty big and those towns arents the biggest i can use my own experiences and grab the data/information i can find on the internet to create young!jerome’s school and daily life environment.) but he could live with that if he just had a mother or/and a father he could look up to and see himself. there have been days where he’s been bullied for the shape of his eyes or the colour of his skin, there have been days where he’s been fetishized for them too, and if he was allowed to look up at his mother he could see the same pairs of eyes stare back at him. and if he’d look at his father he’d see the same coloured skin. he’d feel more at ease. but he sees blonde hair and peachy skin instead, sees hazel eyes and different noses. add a DEEPER layer and he can’t seem to find where he gets his ugly wide laugh from, or his aggression when provoked. the gentle touch to the things he loves. the intensity of passion. the greed of selfishness. he doesn’t know where the traits come from, who gives him those traits, or if they are purely his own. and he truly wished he did.

and with that as he stands on stage now he is unaware that he makes two women cry every night. blissfully unaware that he has two mothers look at him and see the man that left them but see their missed sons too. he knows nothing of that, and so he knows nothing of the impact he’s making with simply existing. (boram looking at jerome is still very ambiguous in my mind though as her kid can appear in roleplay but seulgi’s view is pretty cemented)

okay shit this kind of turned into some weird exploration of jerome? i started writing this like 6 hours ago what the hell. i’m so slow. maybe this is helping me too with making that re-introduction thing i still have to make. great. well what you can take from this is that jerome has a definite baseline when it comes to his personality and i explored that in chanyeols story where he was the one who got it yet felt undeserving of it?

it’s affection. his baseline is affection. his baseline is warmth. for him as a person, a real person, his person. and not for anything else. and it’s nice to look at the people that gave that to him, the people that didn’t and the reasons behind it.

his biological mother couldn’t give it to him because she gave him away before she could. (the only exception being the first moment in the hospital room 26 years ago.)

his biological father couldn’t give it to him seeing as he didn’t even care to know him.

his adoptive parents couldn’t give it to him as they only saw him as a prop next to jade vases and ricepaper fans.

his first love marie couldn’t give it to him even when he thought she could, but then in time he realized she never loved him for him. realized she never loved him at all.

his grandfather has given it to him, as he sang with him to old tunes and learned him how to cook. his grandmother did too before she fell away.

frederic and halit gave it to him, freddy when he cemented himself as his first closest friend and halit when he pulled him along and shared his family with him. they both gave him a home, and they both gave him the concept of best friends.

julien too gifts it to him now, as he has poked through the shields that is yuddy and has never stopped grasping at the heart that is jerome.

its interesting. it’s all interesting and i’m kind of content that i threw this headcanon out there? or wrote it. (even if not many people will probably read it because of the content matter or because its dumb long or other reasons) because its really a start for me to explore jerome other sides more, the other important things. with the marie story half way finished and her changing in severity in his life, it’ll be interesting to further explore the facet that hurt jerome the most. bloodlines.

ok i got to stop because literally no one is having time for my wall of mess i mean wall of text and its getting way too late/early whilst i wanted to reply to some dms so im just going to grab my phone and start typing there. until i fall asleep. which honestly can be in a few minutes as today was stressful (my cat couldnt poop and i cried lol i’m actually a mess.) 

ALSO if you read the story, the program seulgi watched when she saw jerome for the first time was You Hee-yeol's Sketchbook when DEAN was on. and the songs she heard where HALF MOON (D) and ORDINARY PEOPLE. (which are probably one of my favourite performances of dean.) easter egg. or something like that i dont know-

ok naomi out

*uses a gif of my sweet winter child as i haven’t used one in ages*

[leonbastralle]

Another Quick Reply Post

i’m rly just procrastinating oops

amixofpixels replied to your post “hi guys”

Um, hugs and no talking.

amixofpixels replied to your post “hi guys”

This is not good... How to make Annie better?

you got it XD or do my uni stuff for me maybe

amixofpixels replied to your post “hi guys”

Still mega fried, eh?

yEAH it’s getting worse ;_; i rly just need a brain pause

amixofpixels replied to your post “Read More Now Works On Mobile”

So thank you for being my angel. 😘

amixofpixels replied to your post “Read More Now Works On Mobile”

I blush at being an angel. I needed it this night.

jshmfbaksfbakjsgnaksfsd it’s true you’re one of the kindest people i know ;_; did something happen??

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “S: Okay girls, that’s it! Please don’t cause any trouble while we’re...”

IT WONT B EMBARRASSING THO

wERE GONNA B TALKING ABT THIS AGAIN TONIGHT OK

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “S: Make your old man proud, okay? C: You’re not old. And it’s going to...”

:') dad shine im crying

dad shine is best shine no tbh i dont think theres any shine who isnt best

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

now thats some quality color matching

i NEVER EVEN NOTICED BUT THIS MADE ME SMILE EXTRA MUCH YESTERDAY

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “C: Hmmmmm…”

i can already hear the church bells

there wont b any church bells for a long time or ever but theyll be good anyway man

simxnoire replied to your photoset “C: Hmmmmm…”

MY BEST BOY IN THE DISTANCEEEEE

YESSSSSSSSS maybe a bit too far away but this is only the beginning!

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “S: Connie? You better!”

tell her Shine!

no worries ;) i feel like they’re telling ME to go through with this and not her because i need it more

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “S: Okay girls, that’s it! Please don’t cause any trouble while we’re...”

CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS PERFORMANCE

trust me i could wait for it another 4 years

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “hugs hUGS HUGS FREE HUGS ANYONE??”

i kno..... i kno i just gotta take care of That Project

that you do my gr8 professional

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “hugs hUGS HUGS FREE HUGS ANYONE??”

I WANT SOME TOO

WHO DOESNT IM SO JELLY OF MY SIMS

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Shine is now a level 10 scientist!!”

MY DADSON IM SO PROUD :’)

sAME i cant believe i got there with him and also that he didnt get fried when pressing that red button

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “This is how scientists hug, didn’t you know?”

U ok my beautiful dadsons

its for research im sure they could explain

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Shameless.”

“In this time of need” i loV

THANK YOU IM PROUD OF IT

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “S: Care for a ride? T: What are we talking about exactly? S: Rockets,...”

WOULD U LIKE TO RIDE ON MY ROCKET 69 🚀❤️💕🚀 

nO THANKS BUT THEY SURE DO

pixeldemographics  replied to your photoset “S: And this is my rocket. T: It’s a lot bigger than I recall…weird. I...”

I lov these kids and their dorkiness they are so goals

sdfukjasnfkjasfnkajsfnaksjfanskjas THANK YOU I CRY

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “S: Come on in, dear! Where do you want to start? T: Oh, anywhere!!”

His rocket 🚀 👀

smh thats a spoiler get out

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “T: Shine! Finally I get to see you in your natural habitat. S: It’s so...”

I lov this take ur wife to work day

tbh? i just did this because i needed them to boink in a rocket. i just rly had to.

fun fact: the miracle founders went on a jolly good rocket ride for their honeymoon it was wild

pixeldemographics replied to your post “Hi! Once you get this share 6 facts about yourself and send it to your...”

I lov u and love all of these and number 4 brings a big tear to my eyes and their dilated pupils

;_______________; i loV YOU TOO WITH AND WITHOUT DILATED PUPILS also i mean.......im glad that i just sucked at playing u kno

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “And then he drank a serum and got really sad… S: What is wrong with...”

I offer to take good care of him

;__; thank you

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “I honestly have no idea how dadgraab keeps up with him…”

He has a tender heart full of lov and patience 💕💞💛🧡❤️💜

he doooooooOOOOOO dadgraab is the absolute best

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “It’s so good we came out here today, isn’t it? Oh, can you hear the...”

I cant believe i havent reacted yet i am the worst and this is dA BES i lov this salty child and the sinnamon roll baby 😭👌🏼❤️

bBY U DONT NEED TO REACT UR NOT THE WORST IM HAPPY WHEN PPL W A N T TO REACT AND THIS IS FAR FROM THE BEST I COULDNT WORK OUT ANGLES BUT ONE THING I KNO IS THAT THEY ARE THE BEST

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “then these 2 showed up for literally 5 seconds”

YEAH WOO

basically me: OOOOOOOOO YESSSSSS WOOOO

they: *leave again*

me: ok then bye

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “This is how scientists hug, didn’t you know?”

can confirm

there we have it proof from an actual scientist tell me what it’s like does it hurt

pixeldemographics replied to your photo

aaaaaaaaaaAAAAA dan annie back at it again with the gr8 noses and posing and everything i LOV

..................i was........inspired by u oops

the nose is real tho

simphonics replied to your photo

yessss

i KNOWWWW best guys

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “hugs hUGS HUGS FREE HUGS ANYONE??”

I want a free hug

we’re working on this yes

(fun fact i actually rly would like to do that and i talked to some ppl abt it once and they were all like ewwwwwwwwwww no we wouldn’t want to hug strangers??? and i’m like BUT THEY NEED HUGS AND WE NEED HUGS so yeah that’s that)

[lysyuta]

Connected — Jung Hoseok (06)

Words: 2000+

Warnings: Internet best friend!Hoseok + fluff + more fluff

Description: Only two more days until you and Hoseok get to meet in person…are you ready?

[01] [02] [03] [04] [05] [06] [07]

~

You slowly opened your eyes.

The sun was shining brightly through your curtains.

You sat up and stretched before going to the bathroom and brushing your teeth.

When you walked out of the bathroom, Abby was walking out of her room.

“Oh, you’re up.” She says.

“Yeah.” You said, about to walk back to your room, but stopped when she spoke again.

“Did you see that picture Hoseok posted of you on Instagram? You guys are so cute, I swear to god.” She smiles.

“He posted a picture of me?” You asked. “Yeah, but don’t worry, you look cute.” She assures me.

“I’m gonna go look at it.” You tell her as you walked back into your room.  You sat on your bed and picked up your phone. Immediately going to Instagram, you saw that your notifications were blowing up. People were mentioning you and you had received a lot more followers.

You went to Hoseok’s account and saw that his most recent post was a picture of you that you had sent to him yesterday.

The caption read:

Look at this cutie 😍 I don’t know what I did to deserve her, but I’m glad I did it ❤️

You smiled and liked the picture. Hoseok is so adorable! People were commenting stuff like, “are you two dating?” And “this is so cute!”

Most of the comments made you happy, and you weren’t worried about the ones that didn’t.

It was currently 8 a.m, meaning that if you called Hoseok now, you’d get to him before he falls asleep.

You opened your laptop and quickly pressed Hoseok’s name so you could video chat him.

Your face lit up as you saw his face pop up on your screen.

“Y/n! Good morning, beautiful.” Hoseok smiled.

“Hey, Hobi.” You said, blushing. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. A little tired. These boys barely let me get any sleep anyways.” He chuckled.

“So…I saw that picture you posted of me.” You smiled. “You’re so adorable.”

“I know I am.” He says, running his fingers through his orange hair.

You playfully rolled your eyes at his ego.

“And I’ll show you just how adorable I am when I get there.” He adds. “Just two more days.” You tell him, smile on your face.

“It’s gonna be amazing. I can’t wait to see your beautiful face in person.” He says. “I can’t wait to see your handsome face in person.” You say, and Hoseok put his hands on his cheeks, blushing.

You two started talking about everything that you’d do when he gets to you. “The boys already booked some hotel rooms, so you don’t have to worry about where they’re going to sleep.” He informed me. “I’ll be staying with you, right?” He asks.

You nodded. “My parents will probably let you sleep in my room. They like you. A lot.”

“They’ll let me sleep in the same bed as you?” He asked with hope. “I’m not sure. I’ll have to see about that.” You say. “What happens if you can’t sleep in the same bed as me?”

“I’ll cry. I want to cuddle with you.” He said, wiping away fake tears, causing you to laugh. “I can’t wait to see you, y/n. I just want to be with you, and hug you so tight.”

You were about to say something until your bedroom door opened. You turned around to see your mom.

“Morning mom.” You greet her. “Morning mom.” Hoseok says, causing both you and your mom to giggle.

“Good morning, both of you.” Your mom smiles. “Y/n, we’re all going to get breakfast, you want to come?”

“Sure, let me just get dressed.” You tell her.

She nodded, and you thought she was gonna leave the room after that, but she stayed and closed the door.

“You know…” She starts. “With all of us together at breakfast, this would be the perfect time to tell your father that you and Hoseok are dating.”

“I thought you told your dad already.” Hoseok says. Your eyes widened. Hoseok is going to be so mad at you now.

Flashback~

“I hope you finished all of your homework.” Hoseok says as you laid down on your bed, phone held to your ear.

“Don’t worry, I did. My parents have been bugging me about school work lately. I’m still grounded from what happened before with Josh.” You sighed, looking up at the ceiling.

“They want you to pass all of your classes, don’t blame them for that.” He says.

“I know, I just—school stresses me out a lot.”

Hoseok sighed. “It’s okay, just do the best you can, baby. I know you’ll pass all your classes and graduate. You’re smart. Try not to stress yourself out.”

“I’ll try.” You say.

“Speaking of your parents, did you tell them about us? Do they know yet?”

“Uh—yeah, they know.” You lied. Only your mom knew. You didn’t tell your dad yet.

You felt like if you told him, he’d get mad or something. He got mad when you were dating Josh, maybe he’ll get mad because you’re  dating Hoseok.

“Did you tell both of them? Did they react well? I know your mom already loves me, but what did your dad say? Oh my gosh, does he hate me?” Hoseok asks, panicking.

“He doesn’t hate you.” You say.

“He doesn’t? Are you sure? I’m so worried that he doesn’t like me. Getting your dad’s approval would be like one of my greatest accomplishments.”

“I’m sure, Hoseok. My dad loves you, don’t worry about it.”

~

You were going to tell your dad, but you were scared of what his reaction was going to be.

Your dad likes Hoseok, you know that, but you were just scared that he wouldn’t like you dating him, so you didn’t tell him.

“You didn’t tell your dad about us?” Hoseok asks.

“Should I not have said that?” Your mom asks you.

“No, I’m glad you said it, Ms. y/l/n. It looks like Y/n and I need to have a talk about why lying is bad.” He says, smile still on his face.

“I’m gonna leave the room now.” Your mom says, leaving. You sighed and turned back to Hoseok, who wasn’t smiling anymore.

“I—” You started, but he cut you off.

“Why did you lie to me?” He asks.

“I’m sorry, Hoseok. I didn’t tell my dad yet. I’m just scared of his reaction.” You explained. He didn’t say anything, he just shook his head at you.

“You we’re so worried about getting his approval. I didn’t want to let you down.” You added.

“You didn’t have to lie, Y/n.”

“I’ll tell him today, if it makes you feel better.”

Hoseok nodded. “You better tell him. And don’t be afraid of his reaction. No matter what he says, everything will still be fine.”

“Okay.” You say. “I need to get dressed, so I’ll talk to you later.”

“Wait.” Hoseok says. “Don’t hang up yet. I still want to talk to you.”

You sat up on your bed. “But I have to get dressed. And you should get some sleep.”

“I don’t want sleep. I want you.” He says, causing you to blush. “Fine. I won’t hang up.” You say as you stood up.

“Yay!” He cheers, clapping his hands like a kid.

You went to your closet and picked out clothes before removing your old ones. You were aware that as you changed, Hoseok could still see you, but it didn’t bother you.

“Y/n-ah, you look so good.” Hoseok compliments. “Thanks. You don’t look too bad yourself.” You say, smiling.

“I can’t wait to see you like that in person.” He says, licking his lips. You raised your eyebrow as you slid your pants on. “What makes you think that you’ll see me half naked when you get here?”

“What makes you think that I wont?” He asked, with sass.

You laughed, putting on your shirt.

“You’re a lot of work, Jung Hoseok.”

“I know, but you love me anyways.”

~

“So…” You trailed off, watching as your family ate the lovely breakfast that was served to you guys.

No one said anything, they just kept eating.

“So….” You repeated, begging for attention.

“So…what?” Your father asks, finally looking at you.

“So..dad, have I ever told you how much I love you? Because I love you so much.” You say before sipping the orange juice that you had.

“You want something from me, don’t you?” He asks, knowing you very well.

“What?” You asked, pretending to be oblivious. “I don’t want anything.”

“Okay then.” He says, going back to eating. “But,” You started, causing him to sigh. “I knew it.” He mumbled.

“I have to tell you something, and I want your reaction to be good.” You admit.

“What is it?” He asks.

“You know Hoseok, right? Well, he and I are dating now.” You tell him.

Your dad looks at you, no reaction.

You, your mother, and Abby all sat, waiting for him to react, but he didn’t. He just started eating again. “Okay.” He says.

Your eyes widened at his response. “Okay? That’s all you have to say?” You ask.

“I mean, it wasn’t surprising. It was really obvious, actually. I was just waiting for you to finally admit it.” He says.

“So you knew already?”

“I didn’t know for sure, but I had a feeling.” He admits.

You were an idiot to be worried about telling your dad about you and Hoseok. If you would’ve known that he would react so well, you would’ve told him a long time ago.

You felt a heavy weight being lifted off your shoulders.

“Are we done talking about this now?” Your father asks.

“Not quite.” You say and he rolled his eyes, eating his food.

“I just want to make sure that everyone knows what’s gonna happen when Hoseok and the boys get here.” You said.

“We already know, Y/n.” Abby says.

You had told them this a lot of times, just so they would remember.

When the boys get here, you want everything to be perfect. You want them to love it here. You want them to have a good time.

“We’re gonna take them all to the backyard and have a barbecue.” Your mom says, repeating what you had told her days ago.

You came up with that idea because your backyard was way bigger than your kitchen. It was easier to fit 7 boys in the backyard than in the kitchen.

A barbecue was the perfect option. Especially since your backyard had swings, a hammock, tables and chairs. It had everything you needed to have a good time.

“And them after it gets dark outside, the rest of the boys will go to their hotel.” You tell them.

“What do you mean, ‘the rest of the boys’?” Your dad asks. “Aren’t they all going to the hotel?”

“About that…” You trailed off.

“She means that she’s letting Hoseok stay in the house during his time here.” Abby says.  

You looked at her and groaned. “Abby!”

“Who said that Hoseok could stay in our house?” He asks. “I—” You started, but couldn’t finish because Abby spoke. “She just assumed that he could stay with her. In her room. In her bed.” Abby said.

“Abby! Stop talking!” You demanded. She just laughed. She loved getting you in trouble.

“In your bed?” Your dad asks, eyebrow raised. “The only way he’s staying in your room is if you’re not in there with him.”

“Dad.” You groaned.

“What?”

“I just think that I should be able to make my own decisions.”

“You’re 17, Y/n. He’s 20. You don’t honestly think that I’d let you sleep in the same room as him, right?” He asks.

“I’ll be 18 in like a month. I’ll practically be an adult. Don’t you trust me? Don’t you trust Hoseok?”

“I don’t want you and Hoseok to do what you and Joshua did.” Dad admits.

He didn’t want you and Hoseok to have sex. Understandable. But, what makes him think that you and Hoseok will have sex? You and Hoseok haven’t even talked about sex yet.

“Hoseok and I aren’t going to have sex, if that’s what your worried about.” You tell him, quietly so people at other tables can’t hear you.

“You’re damn right, you’re not. Because I won’t let it happen. You two aren’t sleeping in the same room.”

“Dad.” You groaned, once again.

“Oh, come on.” Your mom says to your dad.

“What?” He asks.

Your mom looked at him without saying anything. “They’re not sleeping together.” Your dad states.

“I trust that they won’t do anything stupid. I’m sure y/n learned her lesson when we grounded her before.” She tells him.

“Yes. I learned my lesson. I did.” You say, hoping that would change his mind. “Please just let him stay in my room. Please.”

Your dad didn’t say anything.

“Please, dad.” You begged. “If you say yes, I swear I’ll do more chores at home. I’ll wash the dishes every night. I’ll do laundry. I’ll clean. Please just say yes.”

Your dad looked at Abby, and Olivia who was siting beside her.

“Y/n, I love Olivia to death, but we don’t need another little one running around the house.” Your dad tells you. “You’re only 17.”

“I know, and I promise that Hoseok and I won’t do anything bad. We won’t, I swear.” You say, hoping he’d say yes.

Your dad took a deep breath before finally speaking.

“Fine. He can stay with you. But if you two do anything—”

“We won’t.” You smiled, before he could finish his sentence.

“But if he tries anything with you, I’ll kick him all the way back to Korea.”

[heartsoftruth]

Pt3 but with this behaviour and this ego and the mentality that he is irréplaceable he will be nothing and his career will end up like ronaldinho's! Really most of cules are done with this drama and behaviour and trust if he continues this way he better leaves 😥😥

I only have this part… sorry. 

Anonymous said:why rafinha doesnt interfere in this issue and talk with ney and make him stay ? i am pretty sure he can solve this issue

Many people within the team have talked to him so??? Second Rafa can only give him advice. The decision is with Ney and clearly he doenst know what he wants. 

Anonymous said:The spat with Nelson doesn’t worry me as much as the fact that Neymar walked out of training. They are not allowed to do that just like that??? was the near the end, did he come back? I don’t see him just walking out of training if he doesn’t feel like there wont be consequences anyway. i feel like he’s already out so at that point he was like fuck it,…

I have no idea… These last couple of days he trained normally and came across as wanting to give his all. (Also according to journalists). 

Anonymous said:is neymar going to china a good thing or a bad thing? (ex if he goes it means he’s more likely to stay?)Anonymous said:i’m confused, what is Ctrip?

I have no idea if it’s positive or not… I think it means we will have to wait longer for a I stay or I go… 

It’s China trip. 

Anonymous said:by the way, the bleacher app with its fucking delayed notifications is driving me nuts like i need to be even more stressed over this whole thing.. i read in a browser something about psg scheduled to go thru with it on monday. then 2 hrs later bleacher app pings on my phone that psg are signing him on monday and for a split second my heart stops im thinking wait is it confirmed now from multiple sources is it really truly happening?!?!?! fml neymarAnonymous said:i so feel you… i said yesterday that i will try to take a few days off of neymar ‘news’ but i cant.. apparently i am a masochist.

Yeah I have no idea why people like that damn app so much. Its so fucking late with almost everything… pff. After this bs is over I’m gonna delete it immediately! 

Yeah. it’s like you dont wanna read more shit, yet you can’t stop reading it… 

Anonymous said:I’m so sad right now ):Anonymous said:As per what thiago silva said ney is off to paris its a done deal.

Anonymous said:So Thiago’s post confirms that his leaving 😔😢….. called it so much for staying positiveI know… I mean of course he has to fucking say something… pfff. Anonymous said:i love neymar so muchAnonymous said:It’s not Semendo but Semedo.Anonymous said:Lmfao. Tebas is an asshole, and his complain will not even be heard.

Ohhh! I will change it! Thankyou. 

Well we all know how Tebas can be so I’m sure that if he files something he himself will make sure he’s heard. Because like he said today P$G does it with barca but tomorrow they can do it with RMA or Atleti if they dont get stopped. 

I hope he files it and break them! BREAK THEMMMMM!

Anonymous said:i don’t think what thiago says really gives us an answe maybe he means the decision? like if he says no or yes the whole world will be talking about it? even though everyone clearly is.

Yeah it could mean a yes or no go, but I mean… I have no idea. I think we all agree that it doesn’t look good and that he’s very close to going away… 

Anonymous said:i still have feeling that he gonna stay he wont leave davi in barca and go he is gonna stay

I hope so… I really hope so… 

Anonymous said:If it goes down to negotiations i hope Barcelona is smart and does that properly rather then just give neymar away. If he is going through negotiations then we should definitely have huge benefits from itAnonymous said:Ney most probably wont play tomorrow but it wud be cos reports from barca camp suggest its valverde’s punishment to him for actions also he didn’t join the training back again immediately but later had come but was sent off by the coach again as a part of punishment. Now its all news reports whether to trust it or not is upto you:)

I hope Barca doenst negotiate at all! 222 million and not a euro less! Not a 140 + Verratti. Just his release clause and nothing less. Fuck them. You have the money so give it! I couldnt give a fuck if they get in trouble over it! I hope so! 

They can CHOKE!

I presume he will play. I dont think they would leave him out as he’s all over the promo posters. 

[chrystainfern]

9/100 Days of Productivity

Ok! Soooo it’s been awhile lol Basically I fell off after the first day and am coming back to this challenge again today to try and give it another go. Yeah, I think after my whole issue with my drawing class (day 1) and feeling like a complete failure at drawing I just hit a slump and that combined with my new job schedule has put any sort of productivity on the back burner. To be honest I was already feeling pretty burnt out prior to starting this challenge so trying to go from that into yet another thing that requires more of my time and effort without a lot of room to breathe just pushed me over the edge. So like I said after the first day I pretty much just did nothing except go to work. I didn't work on any school work or language studies like I wanted to and just spent my time trying to unwind and get myself back to normal state of mind.

Because of this little slump last week on Wednesday I decided to do a tarot card reading to get some clarity on why I’ve been feeling so unmotivated lately, and it really helped put thing in prospective for me! Since then I’ve had small bursts of productivity throughout the week which lead me to FINALLY creating my budget envelopes! I’ve been wanting to get those going for a while and finally finished them yesterday night! I’m excited to see how well this system of budgeting works for me since I’ve tired in the past and failed at it horribly lol!

So what have accomplished for today? Well I was able to sort through and organize some of my files that have my tax/irs info, school documents, etc and get those sorted out finally. I had too many random pieces of paper floating around my room and it was starting to bother me so I decided to just sit down and sort through it all. I also completed one of my Intro to Costume design assignments that was about fabric techniques used in fashion, which I actually really enjoyed working on! I feel bad though because my teacher for this class is super nice and has tried several times to reach out to me over the past week and half to see why I haven’t turned in any work, but I was too unmotivated during that time sooo I kind of ignored her until today lol. I still have one more assignment I need to do for this class which is a fabric dyeing project that I plan to finish tomorrow! I may work on some more past due homework for another class (Color Concepts) for the remainder of the night before I got to bed, but I wanted to at least post this since I really do want to continue with this challenge. I thought about just restarting the challenge over again but I think I’ll just stick with the original start date and keep going. I’m sure this wont be the only time I experience burn out so might as well keep track of it using this challenge. 

Anyways thanks to anyone who reads this! And if you’re in a similar spot as was last week where you’re caught in an unmotivated slump, please take the time out to care for your mental health! While being productive is great, if you dont allow yourself some time to be lazy and not feel like you need to be accomplishing something every second of the day you’re going to burn yourself regularly which is only going to lead to even more upset for not accomplishing anything. So relax and know that its ok to not be constantly doing something and that sometimes by doing nothing we’re actually doing something, caring for ourselves!

[angel78]

another failed attempt at seeing a new therapist

its literally pointless to try anymore. its honestly not even about “getting better” anymore its about the fact that i just want to be figured the fuck out already. i want to get it all out i want to understand i want to know what happened to me and what the hell is wrong with me... but i guess i’ve always done that myself anywhere. 

i have learned everything i have come to understand about myself in writing and art, mainly my own because that is where i am sorting myself out, but of course with others’ work as well. 

i was never allowed to see a therapist growing up, my parents didnt believe in mental illness and thought i was just crazy or dramatic or whatever else ive said it here before plenty of times. once i left renfrew i tried one or two but one i couldnt afford and the other made me uncomfortable. i had one therapist in wvu that didn’t help or understand at all and just made me feel like i was psycho and straight up would ask me if i paid before i sat down ???? when i finally came back to jersey, i tried to see another therapist in february and she turned me down entirely and said she could not help me or see me because i needed higher care and she couldnt be responsible for that. then finally i began seeing a therapist at my school who saw me for a few months who i thought i might finally be able to get something out of, maybe, but she told me she had to stop seeing me because i was too sick too and needed a higher care and i told her i refused to go to anything inpatient so she straight up said she cant help me anymore but we could have an appointment to find a good program for me and i never went because fuck you for that. right when things started peaking again she just didn’t want to help me anymore. i understand the “ethics” behind seeing someone who you deem “too unwell” to only be attending an hour long therapy session once a week but for gods sake she knew all of the reasons i couldnt do that and some of them were kind of bullshit in her opinion like me refusing to put school on hold again but some of them were fucking valid like money and not having a car at the time to even do an outpatient if i tried and my parents and just everything. 

then finally a few weeks ago i started seeing a new therapist, literally like the day after finding out my boyfriend has fucking cancer, and i saw her three times, spent the first two times having an insurance/money battle in the beginning, and the second time waited for her for 7 minutes after my appt was supposed to start and she still cut me off right after the allotted time was up technically not giving me the appropriate 45 full minutes ???? but not only that she called me by the wrong name ???? only says elementary shit like “so how are depression and anxiety” and just nods and doesnt offer any feedback when i talk. she didnt try at all to get to know my circumstances like i always had to fish for things to talk about because she couldnt even start asking me questions of her own since the first session which like how is that supposed to help me i came here because I NEED HELP and then even though the insurance sent me a document with this therapists specializations and eating disorders WERE LISTED AS ONE OF THEM she says that she doesnt know much about eating disorders and isnt trained in them so she doesnt know how to really help and she then went on to tell me she thinks i just need a higher care and that we could have our last session (the following week from last thursday which would have been tomorrow) so we can find a program together that i should start ???? yeah nice way to say see you never and take another $50 from me when you cant even rememebr my FUCKING NAME WHEN ITS SITTING ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOU LITERALLY LISTED EATING DISORDERS IN YOUR SPECIALIZATIONS WHEN YOU APPARENTLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM ACCORDING TO YOU sorry im livid but anyway now im back to no therapist and that makes a consecutive three suggesting i needed a higher care but i guess at least this one was just a complete idiot and didnt say she refused to help me anymore 

so i just wanted to post a rant update about that and i guess from here i will just continue

i started class and my last week of training for my new serving job yesterday, i had class at 8:00 after not sleeping all night and have three more classes and then training again, i look cute today but no one lked my selfies on twitter so that was very nice also, im speeding frivolously, and ,,,,

my mom and i got into two big dumb fights over the last week over something so stupid but as always she had to go on and curse me off and tell me she doesnt want me in “her house” which is really funny because how can you call it your house when you 1) dont even have a job therefore do not pay bills 2) my dad, as much as he hurts me, just had to get a second job again to support my family when my mom doesnt even have one and doesnt even love my dad anymore but she’ll reap the benefits of having a man willing to do that for her 3) she literally left us like two months ago to live with her friend then decides to come back because “it was hard driving back and forth and i couldnt see the kids everyday” which honestly, to me, translates to it was too hard coming here every day just to bake cakes 4) she told me whenever she does get money (somehow???) she has full intentions of moving out and getting her own place so even if she did have money i guess making this number 5) she would be PUTTING IT TO GETTING HER OWN PLACE AND NOT THE HOUSE ANYWAY SO I REST MY CASE DOESNT LOOK LKE YOUR HOUSE TO ME BITCH and i left sunday night and went to be with vincent and i get to sleep with him all week and then yesterday my mom tried to send me a meme so i would respond and laugh and we could pretend nothing happened but im tired of doing that im tired of acting like just because im their child i dont deserve an apology like fuck if i dont even deserve help on my medical bills ???? i think i at the very least deserve an apology every now and again ???? especially since they are a signficant part of the reason I AM THIS WAY and then yesterday my dad texted me asking where ive been and i told him what happened and actually tried to have a mature conversation and tell him how i felt like an adult and why i dont think my mom acted fairly and he literally left me on read so thats how my family life is going

otherwise eating is impossible unless its in capsule form and and im overly paranoid and i cant drive without imagining a parallel universe every car that comes into my vicinity somehow crashes into me and not even in the suicidal way literally in the twitching at the sight of an approaching vehicle and shaking my head and closing my eyes while driving because all i can see are these traumatizing visions of things that have never happened to me and im really depressed and i have no friends 

and i really sound like a whiney bitch right now but i havent posted much about whats going on in my life lately and clearly !!!! i dont have a therapist to tell !!!!

i keep wanting to write and have fragments of words but it doesnt feel right yet and i know that

i have no money and my phone and car bills are due next week and i wont be making any money until next week MAYBE

literally the only good thing right now is that vincent is doing pretty well, its really hard to see him this way a lot of the time but its getting easier because im getting used to seeing him bald or how little he eats or helping him when he’s sick, as far as we know the chemo seems to be doing what its supposed to do, he is doing well, i hope it stays that way because he’s literally everything to me and the only thing that makes me want to be on this earth 

[heatherrdavis1]

WOW INSANE!!! BITCOIN BREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW TO THIS CRAZY PRICE LEVEL YOU WONT BELIEVE!!

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

So, guys, welcome back to another video. So in today’s video, we’re going to be talking about the Bitcoin price testing, this 200-day moving average and what that could mean for the price going forward. We are also going to be taking a look at the theory. I’m breaking past that two hundred dollar level and we’re currently at around 206 dollars. We’re going to be taking a look at that in today’s video. We’re also going to be taking a look at my trade on a Phoenix. And we are also going to be looking at the Bank of Canada exploring digital currency. This could be absolutely huge. And they also talk about how cryptocurrency is also a threat to that. So this is a huge article. Then we’re lastly going to be taking a look at riots in Lebanon city and make the currency crash. And it is going absolutely crazy over there. And this is one thing that inflation, hyperinflation and just a whole complete crash of the currency can do to people. So all that good stuff is coming up in today’s video, guys. Sit back, relax and get ready for the video. All right, guys. So welcome back to another video. Thank you for joining me again. You may be wondering why the camera and the screen looks a little bit different. Unfortunately, I did actually really badly hurt my ankle. So I am on crutches and I cannot walk, so I can’t really bring you the same set up that I usually do. I’m on my laptop with a webcam and hopefully, the audio on webcam sounds fine. But without any further ado, guys, let’s get started. And if you haven’t already, let’s try and reach that one K like a goal. And if you haven’t already subscribed and you do like my content, make sure to subscribe and take that notification bill and you’ll get updated when I next post. As always, guys, we’re still doing the giveaway. So drop your comments down below. If you do want to be entered to win that Tresa storage device, just simply drops a comment down below. It can be absolutely anything. So, guys, let’s get into the video. Really, really interesting times right now, guys. Bitcoin is actually closed and kind of very close and almost crossing its 200-day moving average. It is really, really, really exciting. I did want to give you a brief overview of the 200 days moving average. First of all, I want to put it out there. Don’t get too excited. And everyone goes and open oblong positions. If we all go over this 200-day moving average, we can see in the past we have shot over here. Nothing really came from it was shot over here. Nothing really came from it. And then again, we shot over it back here back on the start of January. Yes, we did have a nice pump after we crossed it again. Yes, we did have a nice pump after we crossed it. But then it led to a downward pressure selling pressure. So if we do cross over this 200-day moving average, which is actually right here, yes, it will be very, very nice for Bitcoin. And yes, I do think that is bullish. However, just be careful, because if just because we cross over the 200-day moving average, it does not necessarily mean we are going to be pumping to the moon. Realistically, yes. If we do have a continued close above the 200-day moving average, it could be something like this here where we see absolutely crazy price growth here. And when it, in fact, did cross over that 200-day moving average in April of last year, we saw growth of up to 200 percent in Bitcoin, which is absolutely crazy. However, the bitcoin price is now just crossing literally above it. As of filming this, we are at eight thousand dollars. Whether it stays there or not, that will be really, really interesting. I know my eyes are definitely going to be glued to the charts over the next few days, which as I mentioned in the last video a day before yesterday, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. We didn’t it did, in fact, have seven green candles on the daily chart, which is really, really nice. We did have this red one here, which is a little bit ruining this nice projection towards the upside. However, today’s candle is really, really nice and it is very, very bullish. So my price target for Bitcoin, if we cannot cross over this 200-day moving average, I don’t see any reason why Bitcoin can’t go into this. Eighty-five to nine thousand dollar range. It’ll be fairly normal, to be honest, if we did cross over this 200-day moving average to continue to pump upwards. There’s not really a whole lot of support here. Maybe at a four, 83, 80, 300, there’s a little bit of resistance towards this lower end. But I don’t really see if we break above this 200 day strongly with of volume. I don’t see any reason why we can’t be going into this 84 to nine thousand dollar range. It should be hopefully happening. If the volume is supported and everything goes to plan, that’s really it for the Bitcoin price. That’s the main thing I wanted to get out in today’s video. I did also want to talk about a theorem, guys. Let’s go over and have a look at the theorem so you can see backor quite a while ago, actually, on the 17th or 16th of April, a theorem actually went ahead and crossed over this 200-day moving average, which is really, really bullish. As I said before, in Bitcoin, when an asset does in fact cross that 200 days moving average, a lot of traders, a lot of money starts to come into the market because we could potentially be seeing more bullish terms. And that did, in fact, happen for theorem. And we are continuing to rise in price. We brought this to. Hundred dollar level of resistance, which we are having a lot of problems up. We were testing it multiple days, three, four days. We were testing it. Finally, we have broken above it at 206, nearly 207 dollars. And it’ll be exciting to see where theorem goes. We could potentially go up to this 250 million mark and find a little bit of resistance. However, my short to medium-term goal for a theorem, if we do continue this way, is two hundred and fifty dollars or Peire, which would align with the peak back here before the dump. So it was looking really good for a theorem. Again, this 200 day moving average, showing bullish signs for a theorem and hopefully join bullish signs for Bitcoin as well. If we can break above it, have a reasonably nice amount of volume. So I did want to talk about my trade on Phoenix. Now, this trade was really, really risky. I did, in fact, go in with a 20 X leverage you can see here, which I never, never, never recommend. However, I had a little bit of Bitcoin left on this exchange at about point two five Bitcoin. I wanted to open a trade. I opened it a little bit a while ago. I think back here maybe on the twenty-eighth or twenty-sevenths of April. It’s in a nice profit. It’s in currently around 70 percent profit with around 1400 dollars in profit. Now, I just want to put this out there again. Do not trade on 20 X. I’ve been trading for many years now and I can afford the losses if I was to make a loss on this trade. If you are new to leverage trading trade on one or two X at the most, if you’re more experienced, maybe five to 10x at the absolute most. Usually, I trade on seven to 10. However, I just wanted to end this trade just because I thought it was an interesting trade to take. If you guys were interested in joining Phoenix, I’ll be a link down below. If you use mailing specifically and deposit zero points two Bitcoin to your trading account of Phoenix. You’ll actually get a free hundred and twelve dollar bonus, which is really, really nice. Sought the links for that will be down below. Now, guys, let’s go ahead and have a look at this. This is a crazy, crazy article. The Bank of Canada exploring digital currency that would replace cash and track how people spend money. This is absolutely crazy because, with a digital cash system, the government will actually be able to track how you spend and manage your money even more than they currently do. Which is kind of scary in itself. The Bank of Canada is considering launching a currency that would help it combat the direct threat of cryptocurrencies and collect more information on people, how people spend their money. This article does go more into crypto later, and I will be bringing you that in today’s video. An internal Bank of Canada presentation prepared for Governor Stefan Pollos and the bank’s board of directors offers the most detailed public insight yet into the bank’s thinking on the on a papyri proprietary digital coin. If I can get that out, according to the presentation, the currency will be widely available. It would not initially co-exist with coins and paper money. It would initially coexist with coins and paper money, eventually replacing them completely. So they were most likely introduce it as an alternative form of payment and then gradually withdraw the cash from the system and then go completely digital. We need to innovate to stay in the game. The president presentation reads, A digital currency will provide all the benefits of a central bank. A bank asset, it says, as well as the convenience and security of wireless electronic payments. They suggest a digital currency would come with the option to pay interest on balances and the ability to collect more information on Canadians than is possible when people use cash. Personal details not shared with AP, but could be shared with the police or tax authorities. Yeah, this is a really interesting point. Let me know Downbelow in the comments that will also enter you to in that trade storage device. If you think the government having the ability to track even further what we spend our money on, because, of course, they are already tracking it now. However, with a digital cash system, they will be able to try and they will be able to track literally everything we are doing. Let me know how you feel about that and if you think it’s a good thing or a bad thing. The article goes on to say, The presentation suggests two deployment options for digital currency token based on account-based. It warns that banknotes are becoming obsolete as a means of payment, creating problems for the banking system as a whole. The time may come that merchants and banks find it too costly to accept banknotes, which is crazy, and it goes on to say it happened. If that happens, ordinary Canadians would lose access to central bank money. But the bank’s ability to carry on, carry out monetary policy and act as a lender of last resort would not be affected. It goes on to say the currencies may become a direct threat to our ability to implement the monetary policy and lender of last resort role. This is crazy that they are admitting that cryptocurrency could become a direct threat. Cryptocurrency is growing. As of July eight, as of July 2018, a study from the bank found five percent of Canadians own Bitcoin. Up from two-point nine percent the previous year. I think if digital currency comes up in such a huge country, an economy like Canada, this could be absolutely huge for Bitcoin, as people think. Why would they own that? The state-issued currency when they could just own Bitcoin, which is completely decentralized. And the banks would have no control over what they do with their money. So this is a really, really interesting article, guys. Definitely. Let me know what you think about it. Downbelow. I personally think it’s good for cryptocurrency. However, it’s interesting to see that they acknowledge that it’s a threat, that crypto is actually a threat to them. Going over the last article now right in northern Lebanon, city amid currency crash. So it’s absolutely going crazy over there, guys, right now. Clashes broke out between protesters and security forces in northern Lebanon Monday amid a crush in the local currency and a surge in food prices. Dozens of young men smashed the fronts of local banks and set fire to an army vehicle as the protest turned into riots, which is crazy. The Lebanese national currency hit a new record low over the weekend. We thought 4000 Lebanese pounds to the U.S. dollar on the black market while the official price remained at 1500 pounds. Tripoli is the capital of northern Lebanon, where the unemployment is among the highest in the country and poverty is widespread. Earlier Monday, scattered anti-government protests broke out in several parts of the country, leading to road closures that prevented medical teams from setting out Beirut to conduct coronavirus tests across the country. So it’s causing a lot of disrupting also, which is absolutely crazy. A woman carried a placard reading my salary buys me two cartons of milk, much going to work and earning a salary. And because of the government’s inability to keep a stable currency, that’s a subject for another video. This woman’s full salary can only buy two cartons of milk. That is absolutely crazy. And this is exactly why Bitcoin is needed on Sunday night. The Central Bank of Lebanon issued a circular instructing currency exchange shops not to sell the dollar for more than three thousand two hundred pounds. So then now they’re trying to set the currency rate even though their currency is crushing. On Monday, most exchange shops were not selling dollars, saying claimed to have dollars are refusing to exchange the hard currency at such a low price. Earlier over the weekend, several banks in northern and southern Lebanon were attacked, some with firebombs reflecting rising public anger against banks that have imposed capital controls on people’s accounts. So Krypto completely removed this from the situation. No one can control your crypto wallet. No one control what you buy, sell or use it for. This is just another great argument for crypto. So let me know your comments. Downbelow guys. That’s pretty much it for today’s video, guys. I will try and bring you as many updates as possible. Unfortunately, I am on these guys right now, so it’s really not too convenient and quite painful to sit down at a desk and stand up. I cannot set my lighting normal lighting on normal camera configuration as it’s just not possible for me to do that. But I will definitely be bringing you as many updates as I can. As always, guys, if you do want to join a Phoenix and trade with leverage if you are a more experienced trader. Definitely use my link down below. As you get 112 dollar bonus if you deposit zero points to Bitcoin or more. So thanks for watching today’s video, guys. Hopefully, I’ll see you around and I’ll catch you in the next video.

Via https://www.cryptosharks.net/bitcoin-breaking-out-crazy-price-level/

source https://cryptosharks.weebly.com/blog/wow-insane-bitcoin-breaking-out-right-now-to-this-crazy-price-level-you-wont-believe

[plobbiwrites]

For anyone that’s left behind.

Dear Someone,

When I thought about making my blog public to all my friends on Facebook, I made one thing very clear to myself. That this would not be a personal journal nor would it be an online pity party. This would not be where I scrawl down my secrets. This would be about sharing personal experiences with people I know, in the hope that, through my writing and in me, they may find a kindred spirit. It would be about dispelling confusion, and acknowledging things that we often cannot find words to describe. I’ve written about heartbreak and stress. Today, I’m writing about death. I don’t hope to tackle the topic, for I hope I’ll never have enough experience in this to tackle its every in and out. Nor do I hope to give platitudes or aid healing, because if you ever read this when you really need to, you know platitudes are not enough and healing is too lofty a goal for one blog post. I’m not aiming to philosophise either, because I have not reached even a tenuous understand of what death is. All I hope to do is provide companionship, by breaking down, if you will, the immediate moments, days and weeks after someone you love passes on.

Two days from the day I’m writing this, my grandfather will have been gone for one month. So, be warned, things are going to morose up in here. Crying about it and making you tear up over my thaatha is not what I intend, I only want to talk about death and the reality of life after it. However, such a reality is sad, so proceed, only if you want to.

How does it feel, a month later?

The very first thing I can say with absolute clarity is, it feels like yesterday. 30 days seems like chewing-gum. A small brick, innocuous on the surface, but it will stretch if you make it. If you’re thinking, “Ohmygod, enough with the metaphors Pallavi”, I’d say “STFU, metaphors are love, metaphors are life”. But, I’m here to hold your hand and tell you how it feels, either because you’re curious, or you’re going through something similar, or you’re just plain morbid. To put it simply, it does not feel like a month has passed. It feels like it happened yesterday. But when you start to really think about what happened in that month after someone’s death, you’ll start to piece together everything you did over 30 days. Me? I told a couple of friends. I learnt the basics of the British sign language. I made stuffed French toast and brownies. I drew my beloved thaatha. On the fourth day, I went to Ameerpet to get his picture framed. I had what seems like an unending chat conversation with my brother, who couldn’t be with me, because I didn’t want him to feel alone when I’m surrounded by family. I ate 3 and 3/4th puran-polis, I got a throat infection, watched Suicide Squad on TV and wore a kurta that my thaatha gifted to me for the very first time. I order a cheesecake from Guilt Trip on the day of his passing, and since then, I have ordered Dominos once and Wok Republic twice. 12 days with my family, as our mourning customs dictate. That’s 12 baths and 24 coffees and 36 meals, and multiple between-meal nibbles. I find it hard to believe that this has all happened. To explain it to you, imagine waking up one morning, and realising that you’ve done all the things I’ve mentioned over the course of the last day. The surprise and the disbelief and the urge to scramble and rationalise what you’re feeling? I feel all of that when I try to rationalise that it’s been a month since he’s passed on.

TL;DR? Expect to feel disoriented when you realise how long it’s been since your loved one has passed on.

 How did I react?

My mom texted me in the morning, letting me know that my granddad was about to depart to the great beyond in about an hour. Not in as many word, obviously. I hightailed it to the hospital and ran up six flights of stairs, but I was too late. When I asked the throng of relatives and family friends what had happened, my aunt nodded at me. Imagine if you will, being very confused in a high stress situation. Everyone else is in on the secret and you’re scrambling for news. And you get a nod. Justifiably, I whispered/yelled, ‘what does that mean?’. She said, ‘ten twenty-eight am’ and my brain, although begging for specifics, made do with that. I was 9 minutes too late. I will spare you the gory details of seeing my grandfather after, because this is for you, and it isn’t about that. Tears were streaming down my face, and I was choking up when I held his hand. I could not associate my grandfather with what I saw before me. And here’s the thing. Here’s something you’ll acknowledge minutes after you see what’s left behind. Here’s the thing that may be the key to your healing much later. Let’s do a little exercise (way to sound like a pre school teacher huh?). You’re sitting down with your sister for a long overdue conversation. Imagine, if you will, her hair is longer, and red. And she has a smaller nose, and green eyes. Imagine she’s suddenly a boy. But you know she’s still your sister. So yeah, while you have questions about the particulars of her now-changed physical manifestation, ultimately, you can still have that conversation with her, right? She’s still the same person, with the same opinions, experiences, catchphrases and way of saying things. The physical body is something you see but is not necessarily the first thing you think of when you think of someone who’s close to you. To put it brashly, the physical body is a side character; replaceable and inconsequential. When I looked down at my granddad, I realised, my granddad is not this man I see now. My granddad is my memory of him. He is affection and confidence, and hating upma, and he is my memory of him teaching me how to frost cakes and he is haste and he is a kind man clad in all-white. This man in front of me is cold and while some part of me still thinks ‘thaatha’ when I see it, my thaatha is alive because I remember. Tears were streaming down my face and I had choked up. I was crying. But at no point in time did the realisation seem as final as it does in the movies. Again, imagine the brain is a collection of people playing Chinese Whisper. One part, the part that receives visual stimuli, is the guy that starts the game. Thaatha is dead, he whispers to the next guy, and then the next guy and so on and so on. I’m not sure the people in my head have stopped playing that game yet, not all of them know. Because I haven’t had that bone deep sense of realisation. And maybe I never will. Because to do so is to grasp and understand and process death, in all its colossal entirety, and no mortal can do that. No. Mortals spend months crying about new, small things that remind them of this unfathomably large thing happening to them, and the reality of death comes in bits and pieces. I’m convinced that if we tried to understand death in its entirety, our brain would explode like that Nazi woman’s did in Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. You wanna talk about mind fucked? Death is mind fucking.

TL;DR? Dissociating the body from the person is a thing that happens. Don’t fight it. Also, death is life altering, but it comes in bits and pieces, not all at once.

 What are the next few days like?

Slow. And these next few days will be very hard to recall for you. I’d imagine the same aftermath for someone who is drunk or high, when you know you did something but you can’t remember what. I’ve never been either, so I can’t be sure, I suppose. So, I’m going to break these hazy few days down.

Physically, I was exhausted. Imagine your worst day. The very worst. And multiply that by 20. That’s how it was. I didn’t want to move, I wasn’t hungry or thirsty but I still felt hollow. My chest hurt. You could call it heart ache, but scientifically, I don’t think the muscle, Heart, is supposed to ache, otherwise, you’re due for a hospital visit yourself. Nevertheless, there is a bubble of in the middle of your chest. For me it was around my diaphragm. It feels like anxiety, the kind you feel in your stomach before an exam, except a little more solid, and less like butterflies fluttering. The lump in your throat doesn’t go away and the heaviness in your head (like your whole head, not just eye pain and neck pain) keeps that lump loyal company. You may look back on this time and realise, you lost the consciousness of everything under your upper chest.

Mentally, the best way I can describe it is moving through ‘pakam’. You know, the thick syrup that’s made from jaggery? Imagine walking through a tank full of that. The days after someone’s death tend to be dragging and stifling and heavily bear down on you. And it also feels surreal. At the time, you don’t really have an awareness of what’s going on. I was aware enough to place that cheesecake order, but I fell asleep for an hour after that. I was not cognizant enough to make sure my phone was next to me, with its ringer on loud, as anyone who’s just placed a food order is wont to do. It feels like those days when you have a high fever and are really sick. You know what you’re doing, but you can’t rationalise, correlate or be logical, and things seem filtered through.

TL;DR? The days that follow, you may feel dissociated from yourself, going through the motions, and physically, you’re basically a wreck.

 How can I help a friend who’s going through this? Personally, the most inane thing I’ve heard all month and the few days preceding thaatha joining his family up there is, ‘My prayers are with you’. The sentiment is appreciated. I’m glad to know you are with me, by my side, here, when I will need someone to listen and to fall onto when my feet give out under me, as I feel they surely will. But as a person that is losing her thaatha, there are certainly more relevant things I can stand to hear, other than ‘God be with you’ or variants thereof. Unless the person you’re consoling or offering condolences to is extremely religious, which I am decidedly not, the helpful thing to say is something along the lines of ‘I’m here for you if you want to talk, whenever you need me’. To be frank here, even while you’re telling someone this, the most you’ll get out of them is a sad smile. Don’t expect a show of gratitude or an immediate spilling the beans session. Most of my very close friends said this to me. Again, it’s the sentiment that’s appreciated here, but don’t feel bad if we don’t take you up on your offer. And definitely don’t feel guilty about not being able to get through to your friend in her time of need. The biggest reason we don’t respond to your offer is: we are surrounded by family who are also grieving. We feel their grief too, which makes our own feeling of sadness that much more solid, and for the first few hours or days, the grief actually settles around us like a wet blanket. We are physically tired, but also tired of talking about the death itself. So please, do not be disheartened if we do not take you up on your offer. What we really appreciate, though, is talking about the person. Not about their death, but them. It makes us smile and it makes us remember that the person is still alive, albeit not in a physical way. So, if you want to help, help us remember the person we lost.

 Another thing we need a little bit later in the days after, is to talk about anything other than death and the person that died. At this point, we’re surrounded by so many people who are grieving, and quite frankly, we’d give anything to talk about something else. Not because we’re callous, or dismissive, but because that’s just human nature. Unfortunately, surrounded by so much of human nature, we can’t approach our relatives, asking about vacation plans or the latest gossip, because everyone is at a different stage in their grief. So, we’ll call you, and of course, as our friend on the outside, you’ll understand that this huge thing has happened to us, and you will want to offer your condolences. But don’t be surprised if we ask you the latest gossip, or where you are or what’s going on in that TV show that we haven’t watched in a while. In fact, it’s never a bad idea to ask if we want to talk about something else. You’re our scuba diving tube, and you’re helping us take a breath of fresh air.

 TL;DR? The most helpful thing you can do, is ask us about the person that’s passed on, and make us remember the good times. And sometimes, make us remember our life outside of this.

There’s a whole lot I didn’t cover. I think I’m further along on my road than this post would suggest, but like I said, death is stupefying in its magnitude and talking about it extensively makes me weary. I’m sorry if this post isn’t as eloquent as the others, but this is intended to be a hand-held tour of having someone very dear to you die. Maybe you’ll use this as an insight into the mind of a friend who is going through the same, or maybe you are the person going through it, and are looking for clarity or comradeship. In any case, I hope this fulfills whatever you need it to.

Love, Me