#yaknow having an anxiety disorder and all

[yourknightinshiningplastic]

what if I am soso scared. about my concert tomorrow.

[protectingtulpas]

@unearthed-27 Heyoo! Thanks for being my first person to ask questions!! To get this outta the way first, P-DID stands for Partial Dissociative Identity Disorder and is present in the EU-wide ICD, not the American-only DSM. I'll spare u diagnostic criteria but essentially our host can't completely leave front, so our switches would only b medically recognized as "partial". Still got basically every other DID symptom full force tho- when we started out and I first came around, neither of us had any idea, but my presence eventually got us unlocking people we didn't know were there at all. Wild!

As for your other questions, there're tons'a reasons. I didn't choose to become a tulpa any more than you chose to be born, it's kinda my species and I'm happy I exist. Freedom and agency has always been the name of my game and I'm eager to spread that around. ✨ Why make a tulpa, though? That's just about as hard to answer as why someone might want like, a kid or a dedicated partner, without that person sounding selfish to the outside if u take out the social convention of it. The biggest reason is companionship - a tulpa is someone alongside ya no matter what, a friend to grow and change with, someone you can always count on to go to. Treat your tulpa right and you've got a free friend for the rest of your life! Obviously it won't be sunshine and rainbows ALL the time, but any healthy relationship has some bickering, and being perfect all the time is creepy anyways lol

My host made me to try and help enhance their outerworld life, kick their ass essentially so that we'd go out and do more, live more. AKA I'd get to do what I want, and they'd get to live a little for once, doing things they were too chicken to or ignored before. Turns out the body is WAY more disabled than we thought, souuuhhhh we've had to readjust those plans, but my point still stands. Companionship and to improve your own mental health- which studies and personal experiences show tulpamancy does in droves- are the two biggest reasons someone might want one of us sharing your life! I've seen people say they made their tulpa to help with their anxiety, with their depression, with their isolation- hell, I've seen a crazy amount of tulpas say they've saved their hosts' lives before. Even just the thought of "I can't go when that'd mean taking my tulpa/system with me" stops my own host from going anywhere near those kindsa thoughts.

We're a decision a new host hasta think about for a while, especially if you're a singlet- are you ready to share your life with one of us? Are you ready for us to grow and change outside of your control? Are you ready to treat us like real people? But there're lots of people whose lives have been changed for the better forever by deciding to start. It's not for everyone, but hey, it's good to decide for yourself, yaknow?

thx again for the question! Ik I'm harsh but these kinda questions are what I want here ✌️

[wabbitriii]

On a broader I’m also just exceedingly fucking an noyed at the tictokification of serious mental illnesses and terms; yeah man things like depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and suicidal tendencies are more than just drawing pretty little lines of blood in a large bathtub full of rose petals while shedding three(3) tears, stealing glances to the rain pitter-pattering on the windowpane as fall leaves coat the building of whatever stupid fucking dark-academia castle were in right about now,

and neurodivergency isn’t rainbow loom bracelets on a toddler mat with cutesy little toys in perfect rows color coordinated and sorted and it’s all goo goo gaa gaa babies that need to be pwotected fwom da cwuel owtside wowld owo

god fuck that shit, lets start with neuroatypicals

it’s not very fun to overindulge in harmful, destructive behaviors because seeing past 5 years is nothing, it’s not very fun to expect to end up dead before life can even begin, it’s not very fun to actively look on living as nothing more than the “hard way”, it’s not fun to constantly think everyone around you is plotting your demise, in fact they all fucking hate you, and you’re not even good enough to stand around others, so hole up! hole up in your disgustingly messy bedroom realistically contemplating what it’d be like if you were dead, and how people would react! hole up and ignore every text, every message, every outside interaction because the very movement to pick up a phone and open up that avenue makes you sick and want to vomit

oh hey on that subject, let’s go to neurodivergence! when my cat died and my mom held her corpse, my brain decided to put the image of maggots in my mind. maggots everywhere. oh hey wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite of her? doesn’t the smell of fucking death sound appetizing? hey if you don’t stand that pen up you’ll kill your sister. hey here some more cute thoughts of your parents and you, now shake your head like a fucking dog to get rid of them! hey go twitch in class, like a classic horror movie possessed character, im sure no one likes to gossip about that! oh hey here’s anxiety back to tell you to kill yourself!

fuck I wish it was playmats and rose baths- oh wait we haven’t even TOUCHED on schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, bpd, psychosis in general, actually, did, and the whole other side of neurodivergency that nobody likes to look at because “those people are psychos and schizos, and are, like, ACTUALLY crazy!!!! not just plain old delulu like meee!! my intrusive thoughts won,,, my hair is pritty pastel pink now hehe I’m just so ocd about-“ oh my god shut UP addison, you aren’t a cute yandere psychotic, you aren’t a neat freak ocd girl boss, you aren’t a delulu manifester or whatever the hell tiktok idiots keep coining it, keep it in the brain and pipe down

but fuck me, for I am a hypocrite, and every day I wish I could be as pretty as those cute little dark academia girlies or boys or ESPECCIALLY those very fem boys but not in the femboy way but the longish haired (mullet prolly) gnc pretty boy bishonens yaknow? like what a life to live huh! to also be able to take the most pretty and romantic parts of awful situations and apply them all to yourself and get zero repercussions, I bet I could be that person if I was skinny- oh wait a minute, I haven’t even began to talk about PHYSICAL disorders!!!!!

ok that’s enough. that’s enough. I know I’m directly feeding into this negative feedback loop, I know it’s uninformed people having fun, or even people who yes ACTUALLY have these disorders and are using platforms like tiktok to find a community where they ordinarily couldn’t, and yes I KNOW my situation is far more ideal than so many others are, but fuck me, I’m tired of idiots making light of the struggles I do have

maybe (yeah it is) part of this is me being insecure about my own identity, my own feelings and stupid dysfunctional brain, about my own appearance, about, fuck, everything that’s happening, and I just yearn to have that sort of innocent happiness yknow?

here comes the depression again, to shut that the hell down

god I’m tired, this should probably be in a notebook

this probably won’t be posted anyways

“we’re doing a thing called a ✨✨mental diet✨✨ where if you think unpleasant things,,, just think of something different!!!!!!!!! 🎀💗🎀”

ok thanks I’ll remember that when I get horrific obsessive intrusive thoughts that last for minutes at a time

wow ive been cured, didn’t realize I could simply think of something else that one time I hit myself in the head repeatedly to stop the thoughts about bugs in/on my skin

didn’t realize I could simply think of something else those many times I can’t face dishes/dirt/old food due to the upsetting thoughts that flood my head

yeah man this’ll help out so much, I’m sure I’ll stop the corpse - eating thoughts in no time 💕

[nurtleteckye]

tourettic izuku and dadmight returns

yagi has a tic as well but its not very noticeable (and i gave myself his tic while i was drawing this gosh darnit lmao)

Yagi: "Yaknow, kid, I have a tic too. Not related to any tic disorder, just a chronic one. Probably from anxiety.

Izuku: YOU DO? (Holy CRAP ALL MIGHT has tics?? I've never met another person with tics before and to think the first one would be THE All Might!!?)

Yagi: Yeah. First I have to scrunch up my face, then move my mouth to the right, and always in that order.

Izuku: Oooh, I have some similar ones. Has anyone ever noticed yours?

Yagi: Not really. But there was this one time when a reporter told me he thought it was really cute. I don't see it, though.

Izuku: Hm. I get teased a lot for my tics. Or told that I'm faking it.

and thats all i got done before i fell asleep because i made this whole thing at night lol

full image:

i’ll do more parts later on

[honeyboyfelix]

i relate to all the adhd posts but i don't have adhd..... is that normal?

Hmmm im not really like a professional yaknow so i cant really say if it is normal or not, it could be that you were just never diagnosed with it (a lot of people go undiagnosed their whole lives without knowing) or it could be something else since the symptons of adhd overlap/mix with a bunch of other disorders; specifically with depression and anxiety it can be hard to pull apart which is those and which is adhd since they blend so much

[hislittleflower-throughconcrete]

I’m gonna rant about disability services at private Catholic schools for a second

I will preface this by saying that this is my experience at both of the Catholic schools I attended growing up. If I am generalizing please correct me, let me know, but I believe this problem is pervasive in most private Catholic schools (probably not just Catholic private schools, but all private schools, but I’m not touching on that right now.)

My brother’s kindergarten teacher was the first person to identify that he had ADHD. My parents took him to the necessary doctors/professionals so see what they could do. However, the school that he (and I, as well as all of my siblings) went to only had one lady who acted as a “resource” for kids who were struggling. She was a mom, I don’t know if she had any training at all to deal with learning disabilities - I honestly think she just took kids out of class to give them extra time to practice certain reading and math skills. Because none of the teachers were trained in dealing with kids who had ADHD (let alone learning disabilities or special needs, which my brother didn’t have) there was a point where I, a 5th grader, got called out of my math class to come into his 2nd grade classroom to comfort my crying brother as the teacher said impatiently, “you deal with him.” That was when my parents decided to put him in public school because they had the resources to actually accommodate my brother.

Fast forward to high school, this time concerning myself. I was in and out of high school due to depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and an eating disorder. After the first hospitalization, I get back to school and discover that I am required to make up all of my work. All of it. At the same time as trying to complete the current work being assigned. I was so stressed and already a perfectionist that I went back tot he hospital for anxiety-induced suicidal urges directly related to being so overwhelmed with my life. This happened at least three other times - where I was hospitalized due to my inability to cope with my own deteriorating mental health on top of all of that work. My mom and I repeatedly explained this to my high school’s “school counselor” (again, not sure if this lady had any training at all, my school was notorious for hiring unqualified people just because they were good-hearted and faith-filled individuals). She and all of my teachers maintained that I must make up all of my work, months and months of tests, papers, projects, and even busywork. When we asked why this was so even though it posed a serious risk to my, ya’know, life, they said that at that present moment, too or three other students had been out “sick” for months at a time (one had mono and one had had a concussion) and if I got an exception it wasn’t fair to them. In other words: Justice, not Mercy. The fact that I could die from “some stress” never seemed to penetrate their consciousness. I distinctly remember my “guidance counselor” (as I sat in her office weeks into my summer break catching up on work from the previous year) saying off-hand when I mentioned the stress, “well, we can’t all take a vacation every time life gets too hard.”

Fast forward to college. We heard about this “disability services” thing during orientation. I looked closely at whatever pamphlet I had been handed, and it listed mental health issues as disabilities. What? My mom and I decided to check it out, saying “it would be really cool if I could have someone at this big college to talk to and goto if I am struggling with work,” thinking that that was all she could offer me - things like tutors and advice. After providing the hospital and doctor records to disability services, I find out that I qualify for extension for assignments, excused absences, extended time on tests, modified or completely excused assignments, and more, because of my mental health issues, without any professor allowed to ask me why other than “a disability-related reason.” They also appointed a disability services advocate whose job was to go to bat with my professors for me if they did not comply.

To say that we were floored would have been incorrect. I wasn’t floored. I just didn’t understand. I felt I was cheating. I didn’t even know this was allowed. How was this fair to the other students? “You have a disability, this is to allow you to do as well as someone who doesn’t have this disability.” You mean I just don’t have to suck it up and deal with my problems on my own time? I have a disability? What?

Okay. There are two points to this post. One is the obvious: Catholic schools, you are losing the opportunity for children with disabilities to be formed in the faith. Like it or not, the majority of parents and families aren’t the ones who teach the faith to their kids - either they learn it at Catholic school, or just don’t learn it at all.  I am aware this issue is heavily tied to funding, HOWEVER: disability services shouldn’t be this nifty add-on to a school, a novelty or a selling point. They should be a fundamental, integrated part of allowing students of all abilities to have the opportunity to be educated in their faith and a faith-filled environment. Parents should not have to choose, as my parents had to, between having their child grow up educated in the faith or actually being able to learn and be treated appropriately by teachers who understood him. (Yes, he still did CCD, but no, the CCD classes did not have disability-educated individuals teaching it - shocker. How much did he retain from it? A few weeks ago, he asked me what Pentecost was.) 

The second issue is more tied to my experience. You are damaging people’s perception of God and His Love. You are saying that those of disabilities - those same people Jesus healed and released from their pain and struggles in the Gospels - aren’t important enough to be accommodated using a basic section of the school’s budget. This may be controversial, but part of me thinks that a school shouldn’t exist at all if it doesn’t have the ability to accommodate children with physical, intellectual, psychological, or developmental disabilities - yes, even and especially Catholic schools. I had a severely damaged faith as a result of the attitude of my school - yaknow, the ones who taught me about God and Jesus. I graduated high school hearing about “mercy,” and hating the whole concept. I seethed every time I heard the prodigal son bible reading, because I hated the fact that the wayward son was allowed to do that without any punishment. I didn’t understand mercy and it made me angry. Everyone deserves justice, I thought, and mercy is the opposite - a hall pass for the weak and undeserving. I punished myself through self harm every time I got less than an A on a test, every time I said something stupid and felt embarrassed. The self-harming and perfectionistic inclinations were mine, but the importance of justice was fed to me by them. Self harm and suicidal ideation were listed as sins against the commandment “Thou Shalt Not Kill” without any mention about exceptions, or what to do if you felt that way. A teacher told us that the worst sin of all - above rape and murder of children - was desecration of the Eucharist by receiving it unfaithfully. I abstained from the Eucharist for years because I couldn’t stop cutting or disordered eating behaviors, and I was in a constant state of mortal sin (I thought) so I couldn’t receive. No one on staff was educated enough on mental health disabilities to point out that saying things like eating disorders, cutting, and suicidal ideation were sins could result from an illness, a disability, that was not being addressed. I told priest after priest that those were my sins, and to be fair, most asked if I was in therapy, but only one mentioned to me that he didn’t think that my cutting was “completely” a sin, that the guilt was reduced due to “addiction.” But I quickly disregarded that comment, because I was not giving myself a free pass. God deserves Justice - the least sin in His eyes breaks the whole Law. If an action hurts someone else or hurts God, the offended party deserves justice. Not excuses for weak people. Justice, not Mercy. 

But college was also the same time I was actually introduced to having a personal relationship with Jesus. The first time I confessed to a priest who immediately said that I was so, so wrong in my understanding of who God was and what He wanted of me. He rejoiced in me. In me. His unconditional love did not excuse my sins, but heal them. His Mercy was not a free pass of pity at my weakness, but the bandages in which He used to bind up my wounds. If I had learned about Mercy before this, it was not in this way. I was taught through actions, if not the words themselves, that justice for others was worth more than mercy on me. And even now I am stunned every time I am “ given a break.” Because that’s what it feels like, bosses and professors who accommodate my disability - them being generous. Not my basic needs being met.

Love the least in the eyes of the world, Catholic schools. Do better. Don’t consider yourself inclusive after building some wheelchair ramps and asking a parish mom to come in on Wednesdays to help the kids who “just aren’t getting it.” Work with families. Hire trained staff members - plural - who are equipped to deal with a wide range of disabilities, including learning disabilities, mental health issues, autism, and Down syndrome. The souls of all children with disabilities whose parents want their child to grow to know Jesus through their schools hangs in the balance. 

@patron-saint-of-smart-asses @catholicamputee @alwaysabeautifullife @hissaltandlight @tinycatholicbean and @ all other tumbler Catholics who either have a physical/mental disability or are parents of a child with one.

[sending-the-message]

Opened 24 hours! by MixedupMaeson

This happened recently and I'm not sure what to make of it,

I need to give some background before going into it. My name's Booker, I work in a small town in the middle of nowhere. Everyone knows each other, everyone talks to each other, we don't get tourists often, we don't get reporters or military personnel coming through. We are small, we have a few bigger stores but mostly it's just mom and pop shops. I work for a knock off Denny's near the end of town, it's right near a freeway entrance that's not often used but it's close to bars and a few schools so we get business.

Normally we open at six and close at ten, except for the summer. During the summer we are opened twenty four hours on Friday and Saturday and every other day is the same. People in my town often get off work earlier in summer or go to bars, we get a lot of teenagers who will come in at all hours of the night getting high and eating our pancakes. We'll call this place Lenny's since I'd rather not have people snooping.

Across from Lenny's is a Carl's Jr that's running on the same or similar hours to us, we often trade food with one another.

Now, a little background on me, I'm twenty five and Im a writer. I also have a few mental disorders, I don't want to describe them in great detail as I don't want to bore you but what you need to know is that when I was a kid, before medicine, I would black out which hasn't happened for years! But when I do black out I normally act...off, I'm almost like a different person. Another thing that happens is I lose track of reality. It's not like suddenly I'm in space or something,

It's more...I forget where I am and people become almost blurry, especially faces. It's really scary but medicine tends to keep me afloat and keep these things from happening. Anyways, like I said I'm a writer and so is my dad.

When I was thirteen he gave me a voice recorder. Yaknow, like those ones in the old movies. They're like a little brick you talk into, he uses one for his own writing. He writes for those magazines that say stuff like...Johnny Depp is wearing a mask made of someone else's skin or aliens change your eye color when they abduct you or something. He was convinced since I was born that he was abducted and things went down hill for him there.

He was taken away and I'm not sure where he is now, but boy do I wish I had his input. Maybe that's why I'm writing this, maybe he'll see it and help me. I'd also like to point out that when I black out I don't ever use this recorder so I don't know what exactly happened.

On with the story,

So it was a Friday night at Lenny's, I don't remember exactly why it was slow all this is fuzzy but I was cleaning a few booths and my chef was watching a game on his phone. It was a boring night, just me and him my other coworker called out. It was rounding ten at night when I got an alert on my phone. --City wide curfew put in place. 10 pm till unknown time--

I was a little shocked, I looked up at my car outside and down at my phone's clock. It was five till ten, I debated on getting in my car and leaving but I wasn't sure if I'd make it. Sometimes, we get weird texts like this, no one ever knows why and they normally last for a half hour or maybe an hour. I decided to just stay put,

I tried to call my manager to see if I should lock the door but no answer. My chef and me just...decided to stay where we were. Now, everything's fuzzy after this. Around ten thirty I don't remember much, I woke up in bed on Sunday morning at eight am. I was groggy, starving and felt like I haven't had water in a week. That's when I rolled over and found my voice recorder, it was hidden under my pillow. I thought I just...blacked out for the first time in years but then I started listening. I made an entire voice diary of the night.

I got up, got some water and noticed my legs were torn up and bandaged, my arms were sore and my head had dried blood on it. One of my eyes was black and blue, and the whites were bright red. That's when I knew something weird happened.

Here's my voice recordings word for words,

"11 pm: Oh my God I'm so bored! Our WiFi went out, middle of a YouTube video too! I have 4g but I think I'll save it just in case. I guess the curfew isn't lifted. What a bad day for a curfew! Hardly have any customers. Whatever."

"11:15 pm: I thought I heard something, I was trying to get information from people on Facebook when I heard a few soft booming noises. Nothing out the windows, we have a million windows everywhere you'd assume I'd be able to see /something/! But I think I'm just being paranoid, normally the curfew is lifted by now. Usually just some idiot robbing a bank or something. I hope it gets lifted soon I'm bored"

"11:30 pm: No one on Facebook knows anything but they all said they got the same texts, my room mate told me she thinks there was a police chase or something since she saw some lights but nothing on the news apparently. Why don't we have TV's in here? I hate using my 4g to talk to people I have no clue why the WiFi went out. I heard those booms again but I also saw the Carl's Jr guy smoking outside so I think it was just them taking out the trash. They have those big bins and they're all stoners so they were probably just fucking around."

"Midnight: My chef is getting antsy, he says he wants to leave so he can see his family. It's only the first twenty four hour shift of the summer and at this point he thinks we won't have any customers. I mean, I agree but the curfew! Hopefully it gets lifted soon Ill probably ditch. I just bought a bunch of games and DVDs I'd love to crack opened. On the plus side, booming stopped and the WiFi is back. My chef and me have been snapchatting my room mate so I'm not on edge anymore. I'll probably stop recording I was hoping something cool would happen. Say hi! -sounds of movement as another voice perks up- hello everyone listening! -more movement sounds- that's my chef, Roger! He just had a baby!!"

"1 am: There's something weird going on down the street. Me and Roger we're playing some card game on his phone when we heard the booming again. We ran to the window but the Carl's Jr was dark! Like they left, in fact, everything was dark. You can't even see my car and it's only a few steps into the parking lot! There's a stop light by the restaurant and there are police cars all over the place! But...they don't have lights on, and...they're moving really slowly. I'm watching them right now, they're going down the street in perfect unison. What's going on?"

"1:15 am: I see a tank!! Like..a tank tank!! It's huge and moving really slowly, that's what those booming sounds where. But why is a tank here? We're all wilderness, tanks would have a shit time getting through the trees why come here? I tried to take a picture with my phone but I dropped it! Stupid idiot...when I grabbed it and looked back up the tank was stopped behind a bunch of trees I can't get a shot. Roger is freaking out, the second he saw the tank he ran back into the kitchen. I'm going to go see what he's doing"

"1:30 am: Roger left. I went back to see if he was okay and he was gathering his things. He told me tanks were a bad sign and he's lived here for thirty years and never once saw a tank! He told me I should leave too, but that tanks right where I need to go anyways... I don't get why he's freaking out, a military group is probably just coming through or something...right? Military people do that? Right??

On the plus side, I don't think I'm as alone as I thought I was...I watched Roger drive away and for a split second I saw someone standing on the sidewalk next to Carl's Jr. I think it was one of the workers, same height and build but their face was...a little...blurry, I'm anxious, did I take my meds? Oh Lord I hope I took them..."

"1:45 am: I'm locking everything, I saw two more people. The only light anywhere is inside my building and by the street lamp, I turned to look at my phone and looked back and there was someone there! I've seen enough horror movies. I went to the emergency door in the back and locked it, I looked outside and someone was out in the back. I couldn't make them out, it's dark...but I saw their shape. I'm hoping maybe I'm seeing things. I've seen things before. Yaknow...little things like spiders maybe.."

"2:30 am: Nothing happened, I turned off all the lights and locked everything. No one's here? Maybe I did imagine it...I'm eating a sandwich in a booth just looking over at the street and the tank it gone, the police are gone, there's nothing. WiFi is out again, Im-- What was that? -shuffling, the sound of recorder being set down- What the fuck...there's a guy outside.. he's...banging on the glass door, trying to open it...i-i can't make out his face...I'm gonna watch him. Maybe he's just some random customer who didn't hear about the curfew..."

"2:40 am: He went away, my phone has no signal out of nowhere. I'm not sure what's happening but have you ever felt like you were being watched? The lights in Carl's Jr flickered back on but no one's inside, I'm staring at my car. I have a baseball bat in the back..thank God my shitty nephew left all his sports crap in my trunk but should I risk going to get it? I don't know. I'm scared, I'm not sure if it's all in my head or it's outside. -a pause, the sounds of shuffling- I'm going to get that bat...what if that guy wanted to rob me? Or worse?? What if he's he reason for the curfew? What if he's some mass killer an-- no. I can't let my anxiety get the better of me. It's probably in my head I didn't take my meds it's in my head. -softly- it's in my head it's in my head...I need to get that bat or I'm dead..."

"2:45 am: -out of breath- I saw-- I saw the tank! The tank from earlier! I got my bat, the tank...police! Military! I ran to my car...I unlocked it and slide inside, it took me all of two seconds to find the clutter in the backseat. I thought it was in my trunk thank God it wasn't because the thought to open my fucking trunk didn't even--

Whoa!! Wh-- -static, cutting out before going dead-

"They shot the tank! No...wait no not..fuck the tank fired a gun a tank gun! And...fuck, they hit something /in the sky/ there was something up in the clouds -static- and it was huge!! I'm starting to calm down, okay okay, -taking in a few shaken breathes- there was this...the tank fired okay! The bullet hit something in the sky, it took up most of the sky! I...it looked like clouds but it wasn't, when it flashed I saw a bunch of military personnel everywhere. Where they the ones trying to get in? I don't know. I'm hiding under a table with my bat but I can't see what's happening through the window and I don't know if I'm making this up or not I've never experienced anything like this. It has to be real, right? It has to be..."

"3:15 am: More people, they're coming to the doors and pounding on the windows. Why? It can't be the military! But I can't see them I can only hear them, I'm still under this table I haven't moved. The tank hasn't fired again but a siren went off about five minutes after. I got another alert on my phone, it says to stay indoors that there's a tornado??? There's not a fucking tornado!! There a military fighting North Korea or something outside!! God okay I need to calm down, I'm not sure who Im screaming at...God the pounding is so so loud. I'm going to go into the back maybe I won't hear it. I need to get out of here I should have left with Roger. I hope Roger is alright...okay, wish me luck to..whoever finds this, I'm going to run to the back and hide in the dry storage."

"3:37 am: I'm here! I'm hiding...I'm freaking out a little, but I'm alright...I jumped up and ran to the back. I didn't even look out the windows, God I'm so afraid. I'm holed up in this tiny little closet thing but the door doesn't close all the way and it's so dark, I'm not even sure who I'm talking to anymore. I'm going to die I know I'm going to die, I'm --

A window just broke. They're coming for me. They're going to kill me. Why else would they pound on the windows? I can still hear the pounding -voice cracking in fear, static-"

"4am: -whispering- I'm terrified they're moving around, I'm not going to die. I refuse. I'm going to beat the living hell out of these fuckers with my bat and run to my car! I'm going to go out the back door, it's an easy lock! I just turn the little knob and it opens. It's ea-- They're getting closer, I hear them right out the door. I'm goin-- -soft creek of a door, distorted screaming-"

"4:12 am: I'm in my car! I beat the shit out of them! They got me a few times, my eye hurts like a bitch but I'm not stopping!!"

"4:50 am: -out of breath- my car stopped working! I'm running! It was fine, I was five minutes from my apartment. -takes in a few breathes- then I heard this loud humming and this light! It was so /bright/!! It was like the sky was on fire!! Then my car just stopped...it just STOPPED!! No reason it came to a stop and i ran but I just stopped so I can record this. I see my apartment complex, my legs are so sore an-- -humming, static- oh my, the LIGHT oh my GO-- -Loud humming, tape cutting out-

"Unknown time: -broken up, static- where am I? I'm so afraid...I can't open my eyes...-cutting out-"

That's the last of it, I woke up at 8am on Sunday. I'm not sure what's happening...After listening to all the tapes I tried to recall anything but just nothing. My neighbor brought my car back, he told me he found it down the road and it's got a huge dent into it. He said I ran into a tree...I guess that explains my bruised up arms and legs? I'm not sure. I drove to my work and my manager told me that we don't start the twenty four hours till next week? She told me I locked myself in the building, my chef wasn't there and left at ten and that these guys broke in to rob the place? And that I beat the hell out of them with a bat.

I don't know what to believe...I guess that makes sense? But I have...I have Snapchat of me and Roger that night with times on it and a recording of us. I called him but he also says he left at ten. My manager says the people pounding where probably customers or something but why would they show up when it wasn't twenty four hours??

There are so many holes but maybe I'm crazy, maybe I did black out, but...I never record when I black out...my therapist says I blacked out too, there are reports in the newspaper about the robbers stealing from the Carl's Jr as well and claimed that the guy who was smoking outside was /killed/ by these people. They found his body mangled and without any blood in the dumpster, who drains their victims blood? This isn't Lost boys!

I check my texts, the only one is one claiming a tornado had touched down where a build was that looks more like a bomb was dropped on it. I drove by it and it was...a mess but I guess a tornado can do that. Last I checked Facebook and texts between me and my room and there were none. I asked her...I asked her what happened,

She told me I came home around 8am when she was up getting ready for work and she helped me bandage up my legs. She said I was crying and shaking, my eyes were even bleeding and red, I wouldn't say anything to her and just went to bed. I don't remember. She said I slept through all of Saturday...the sheriff came in and tried to wake me but I guess he couldn't wake me up and I kept screaming all day. I'd wake up, scream and go back to sleep.

My therapist thinks I forgot to take my meds for a few days since I was so caught up with things and stress just..cause an incredible break down. I got my license taken away and my cars in the shop...my manager gave me a week off. I guess maybe all they're saying is right, it makes sense..I'm just a little out of it maybe. I probably did black out, my therapist is going to talk to me about it more. I'm going to show her the tapes maybe they'll help...but...

The only thing that really has me confused though...My eyes, they were brown. In all my selfies, they're brown. In everything, they're brown. I just looked at myself in the mirror.

They're green.