#writing is really hard when you gotta take adhd meds to do it and you work full time

[valaruakars]

Is Wreathe Me in Darkness discontinued? Because it was really interesting😭

GASP!! NO!!! I have like... nine more decades to get through for that sucker (ha ha) and part two is halfway done. Lots of juicy little details to share still. I'm just incredibly short on time and focusing everything I've got on chapter 7 of Let's Get Physical. And tbh I don't have a lot in me right now.

That being said, I know I write at a snail's pace regardless of holiday season hell, so would it help if I marked things in my masterlist by updating, on hold or discontinued? Lemme know 💖

[elliesmainhoe]

hiiii! i freakin love your writings so much it’s all so much fun to read !!! can i request ellie with a reader who has ADHD? as a person with madddd ADHD i’ve been thinking recently about how ellie would be with a partner who has it, i can just imagine her being so comforting when reader is overstimulated, or having a hard time focusing/getting work done bc of the adhd paralysis. i also like to think about ellie just sitting there like 🤩🥰🫶🏻😍 while listening to reader talk about their current hyper fixations and chuckling a bit when reader fumbles over their words bc their brain is moving to fast to keep up. maybe she would buy reader all kinds of fidget/stim toys and gets all smiley and proud of herself when reader gets excited about it :,)))

Ellie Williams Headcanons: Reader with ADHD

She's the sweetest girl ever 🥹

Is so so so considerate of everything- she's always looking for possible triggers

Loud noise? She's got your headphones. A crowd of people? She knows a quieter spot. Didn't take your meds? She's got spare.

It had definitely been one of your badder days. You woke up late, your hair was tangled and just wasn't doing what it was told, you couldn't eat breakfast and work was hectic, the cubicles seeming a lot louder than usual.

Ring. Ring Ring. Every phone ringing was screeching in your ears, the chewing of food from your coworkers in there respective cubicles overwhelming loud. Your head was pounding and your dress shirt just wasn't sitting right on your body, the scratchy material tight and uncomfortable against your skin.

You were hot and sweaty, your head was pounding and tears began to seep into your eyes. You looked over to the bottom right hand corner, looking at the time.

5:00pm. The time signalled your queue to leave the tall office building- you zoned out trying desperately to fend off the approaching attack and before you knew it your car was screeching onto the drive of the small suburban house you and Ellie had bought six months ago together.

The slam of the front door alerted Ellie of your arrival. She went downstairs going towards you immediately, this had happened before so she knew what you needed, she wordlessly took a hold of your hand and lead you upstairs into the bedroom.

She drew the blinds closed, turned of the lights and closed the door. She helped you take off your shoes, and strip down getting rid of the overwhelming scratchy feeling on your skin, instead helping you into your favorite nightdress, the scent of your washing powder comforting you, muffling your sniffles.

Ellie softly guided you to lay down on the soft bouncy mattress, over the top of the comforter and grabbed a makeup wipe, taking off the smothering creams and powders- allowing you to physically ease at the feeling of your skin being able to breathe freely.

You closed your eyes, the sweet silence calming you down and the feeling of Ellie's hand tangled in your hair grounding you.

"You alright now baby?" She whispered pressing a soft kiss to your nose.

"yeah thank you ells..."

(based of how I calm down from sensory overload- it's different for everyone!!)

She loves hearing about your hyper fixations!

Hearing you so passionate about your special interests make her swoon and fall even more in love with you 🥹

She does it too tho- you know loads about dinosaurs thanks to Ellie!

Your boss gets really annoyed when you don't get assignments done

But she helps you focus!!!

Her general vibe is really comforting, you and her go on work/study dates together so she can keep you on track.

Hand on your knee and a small "you gotta get back to work baby" when you go on a tangent ❤️

Girlie always has stim toys on deck-

Mouth stims, finger fidgets, squishes, pop-its.

Thinks the way you stumble of your words while your ramble is the most adorable thing in the world.

She's smitten.

------------------

Taglist: @aunslie @lonelyfooryouonly @prettypeoniesx @daryldixonh0e @kittynnie @lovelyyevelyn @randomhoex @moonlightdivine @haerinwho @mufflaa @mial1l @sarahsmileslikesarahd0esntcare @moonlighting87 @escaping-reality8 @magicalfreakcowboylawyer @hejdevkdbdjsd @dergy @half-of-a-gay @ellieismami @cyberlainn @gollumsmygel @sseorii @kyleeservopoulos @taloulalila @ellieluhme @kiiyoooo @delusionalvioleht @joelscharm @hi2647 @gumdropkoo @coffeeandbookskeepmealive @womaniza @namgification @kimiisims-blog @tayyyystan @abigaillovestoread @whoreshores @kylieeluvstlou @knowitsforthebetterr @endureher @erikaar @lanasluverr @sayah13

NOT PROOFREAD!!!

[thatndginger]

you guys wanna hear about one of my earliest attempts at writing a cohesive story? Well, you're gonna get it because I'm having a Moment with the adhd meds uncovering memories.

To se the scene: Imagine a 14 year old K. Skinny, painfully shy, lonely, and completely obsessed with books. While raiding her elder relatives' shelves for more material, she stumbles upon a set of books.

[Y'ALL I JUST FINALLY FOUND THE NAME OF THIS BOOK AFTER LIKE 5 YEARS OF SEARCHING!!!! I'M FUCKING LIVING. My plans for the next few days are gonna be reading these books for the first time in over a decade. I gotta temper my expectations tho, 14 year old K liked some questionable things :/]

Witch Season, combined with the Mortal Instruments series, made baby K want to do one thing, and one thing only: create her own story where a 'normal' girl discovers that she is now part of a hidden, magical world and learns to navigate this world and the power she wields in it. So, with all the optimism and enthusiasm she could muster, baby K set out to create.

Y'all, this story had everything a 14-year-old in the early 2010's could ever want. It had a badass female protagonist, it had a love triangle, it had Kingdoms of witches ruled by royal families. My favorite part still has to be the witch kingdoms. There were the typical ones - Earth, Air, Water, Fire - as well as Light and Dark. My protagonist, one Mia [don't remember her last name], was a Dark witch, but she didn't know it. Her neighbor and best friend Nate was a Light witch and the crown prince of the Light Kingdom. Why did he live in a random apartment in New York City instead of the castle in the secret witch realm that his family resided in? Because baby K said so, that's why.

The plot kicked off with Mia getting attacked in an alleyway and discovering her latent witch powers, having a panic attack about it, her bff Nate comforts her and reveals that he is a witch. But because he's a Light witch and Mia's a Dark witch, he can't help her. Some real Romeo and Juliet shit. Why couldn't he help her? Because 'opposing' kingdoms are naturally hostile to each other and as the crown prince of the Light Kingdom, Nate would be in so much trouble if he was caught with her. So Nate takes her to the Dark Kingdom, to the king and queen of the Dark Kingdom, where Mia meets the crown prince Jon. Nate and Jon form a rivalry for Mia's affections. Jon personally takes over parts of Mia's tutelage, Nate visits way too often, Mia is torn between the two (spoiler: she chooses Jon).

I was so into this story guys. I convinced my very conservative, cautious mother to let me commission an artist to make me art of Mia, Nate, and Jon. I still cherish those pieces to this day. Like, look at it! (coloring by me, lines by Palnk on deviantart)

You'd think that I'd have some writing or something to further immortalize this story, but... I don't. At 14 baby K was just starting to deal with severe depression and had a terrible habit of deleting all her stuff when the depression got too bad (Adult K is much better about saving all their shit and keeping copies). There is possibly some remnant saved on an old hard drive that I cannot crack, but for now there is nothing but my own memories and two pieces of art. And, after high school got hard and the depression really set in, baby K forgot all about her magical, angsty world and Mia, Nate, and Jon.

Now, for the keen eyed, you may have noticed that the names in baby K's magnum opus are eerily similar to War Witch's trio of protagonists. And to that I say, yeah, they're the same names :3. There's a reason behind that. After I got on my meds for the first time and really started to get better, I remembered all about baby K's passion for writing and creating fantasy worlds, and especially her witches. HOWEVER, 21 year old K was not nearly as angsty and into 'typical' fantasy worldbuilding, so I changed.... a lot. For a while, I was running with the idea of Mia and Nate being witch soldiers in an alternate-history WWI scenario where magic was real and trench warfare was so much more horrific because of it. Jon was a soldier on the opposing side, and outside of some really cool scenes I didn't have a plot.

Eventually, the more I poked at it, the more I changed; Mia became Mari, Nate reverted back to being a silver-spoon noble, Jon stayed a soldier but now he was on the same side, and I made an entirely new world for them to live in. No reasonable human could see the strings connecting baby K's witch story to current K's War Witch just looking at the two. But the names are my homage to my younger self, a thanks to her passion and enthusiasm. The characters and plot and world are entirely changed, but the names are (mostly) the same.

And maybe that's enough.

[kdipshit]

Well I Got The Thing I Needed, I Guess…

I have to learn to do everything my own way, as doing something with someone else’s perspective is just not possible. I have to be difficult all the time huh…

My body stays the same even tho it feels like my brain switches. Perspectives change. Beliefs. Realisations. Like the person I was 1 hour ago was dark and gloomy and quick to anger. irritated. But BPD irritation. I wanted to turn into a tornado and rip thru my entire house taking everyone up in it. Lol. Jk. But fr… and the person I am now is nothing like that. I don’t even think that way at all, why would I even want to it sounds like a war zone over there. Lets remember the parts of ourselves that occupy the body when the body is feeling so dark. She’s still us. Thats still me. Lol how do I say that? Im still me. Thats better. Im so sick of these walls in my brain keeping me from the other sides of myself, I can’t stay in the dark space for very long without scratching my way out. And its painful. Am I supposed to stay in that feeling until it passes? Coz sometimes it feels like it doesn’t fucking end, so I grab my bong and then I’m better. But weed is limited. Sometimes I think ill be better if I was just on the right meds. Im still very upset about my psych trip. And it makes me feel so discouraged to even continue trying…. But. I will keep trying. As long as I have weed to lean on, I’m straight as. But I’m not ignoring the darkness by trying to feel better. I can look at it in another perspective. I gotta do better. I gotta do better. The bruised knuckles do give me character tho. I should message A more quickly next time, she really did an amazing job at switching my perspective, its like she knows exactly how to talk to me. Im so grateful.

+ the weed makes me write better. Its easier to write down the thoughts… I found myself sounding like my hippie ass aunty telling my little sister that thoughts become things lol. Its such a shame that I’m actually crazy because no one really believes me lol. thoughts do become things tho, she was right, I just didn’t see the bigger picture, and I guess no one ever really will until they can for themselves. THANK YOU FOR PAIN. You give your shadow self love by learning how to thank the pain, and the hard journey, and the sleepless nights and teary eyes. Learning better methods, keeping yourself out of thought loops by treating every single day as brand new. Realising no ones got a problem with me lol. Im not a problematic person.

anyways…. Whats been going on wed chyall? Lol imagine all that trauma dumping and then I sip my tea. Your turn aunty. I’m always trine rush finish something because the act of doing something for too long freaks me out. Thats gotta be that ADHD hoe, which will be fixed if I fkn get my right meds bro wtf!!! D: like so much of my problems would be fixed if I just had the fun goddamn meds Jesus FUCK. Is it that hard around here? They think imma pill popper bro won’t even give me valium anymore, dogs. No fkn wonder why I’m smoking like smokey mother fucker, my shits al the way fucked up my boy. Give me the fucking pills lmaoooo. And up them anti-psychotics while your at it lmaoooo.

Does anyone else have conversations with other people in your head? Thats a normal thing right? Well the convos in my head are too quick to for me to write down, but they be having me fucked up on some different shit. I just did it, I just stopped a bad thought for manifesting bigger and replaced it with a better one AS SOON as it appeared. Sometimes I’m not quick enough and it catches me instead. I sat with myself today, I don’t even remember what I wrote in the ideation one. But I remember what mindset I was in, I’m curious to see how honest with myself I was. I can be honest with myself right now and day I don’t think I did good enough. There were times where I was thinking I really don’t wanna do this anymore. I forgot what I needed to remember, which was to redirect all go those feelings into positive ones, I know these things, but at some point, every emotion on peak feels the same, so I was historically crying on the way home, recklessly, because I forgot to remind myself, to switch the thought, look at everything else thats good, and setback or something super annoying happening is because your energy is needed elsewhere!! Butterfly effect, nothing in the end is bad. Its just a redirection, stop being so controlling, and let it be, let it flow, while you only control yourself, your reactions and your thoughts. Thoughts determine emotions, and emotions are my kryptonite.

The problem is my thought patter, and how it recycles the same 10-30 sentences over and over again. Some fkn crazy delulu, some that genuinely make sense cuz, and then the same normal other shit, right???? lol. Idk what I’m saying anymore but sometimes I ramble write (all the time) and I read it back and its dope as fuck and I actually make sense.

My poor knuckles are busted all because I knocked and no one answered. Well nah fuck, it was that, and then it was the non answered door last week too, its the non answered phone calls its the non answered emails like broooo. Should not be this hard to see a psychiatrist in my city I swear to god. Without weed I’m completely self destructive, I need to build my strength on my other positive coping mechanisms because typing really hurts. And I love to write. Self destructive me is very overwhelmed and unsure how to untangle everything so everything comes out as a big fat cry.

[leostudyblr]

studying sucks as someone with adhd/add

and that’s not talked about nearly enough! in general and in the studyblr community.

i’m making this “guide” (of sorts) to, at the very least, let adhd/add ppl who struggle in school know that they’re not alone!

(also, just for reference, for the rest of this post i will be referring to adhd and add people as just adhd, because that is the official diagnosis for both. just know that i’m not excluding y’all inattentive types!!)

btw: neurotypical/non adhd studyblr are allowed and 100% encouraged to reblog this post!

distractions. my mortal enemy

writing this post is literally my distraction from writing my english essay. which is weird because i’m actually interested in the topic of my essay!

so why am i hyperfocusing on something completely unnecessary?

in short, because dopamine! that bastard.

long version is that people with adhd have unusually low levels of dopamine (the happy chemical, if you weren’t aware!) in their brain. this makes it extremely hard to stop doing something that is giving you dopamine and switch to something that won’t give you that sweet sweet dopamine.

in my case, it means that it’s hard to stop writing this post (which is about something i’m very passionate about, albeit hypocritical of me) and write my essay (which i’m also passionate about, but that includes writing an essay).

also, under this category i’d like to mention something that i found on the wikipedia page for hyperfocus that is just a great explanation of adhd!

“Some types of ADHD are a difficulty in directing one's attention (an executive function of the frontal lobe), not a lack of attention.”

thanks, wikipedia! what a nice helpful source. (note: wikipedia is a great resource that we all use, but that doesn’t mean you are bound to donate. don’t, if you don’t want to. they don’t have a fundraiser going on at the time of writing this, but.... still. don’t feel bad. other people will donate, and wikipedia will stay running.)

^ can you tell i’m adhd. geez. ok moving on

(another sidenote: apparently i lied. as soon as i went on another wikipedia page, they asked me to donate. damnit)

how do i... stop getting as distracted?

first off, understand that hyperfocus/lack of focus is part of your condition. you are not broken or “bad” for not being able to focus on what you need/want to.

try a pomodoro timer. this has literally saved me so much.

try a pomodoro... with friends! let them keep you accountable and working on what you need to.

have you been watching youtube for 3 hours and haven’t gotten out of bed that entire time? get up. get moving, walk to your kitchen and get a snack! some water, for god’s sake. take your snack time to think about what you need to work on and decide on one thing to do before you get another snack.

“but i can’t do just one task at a time! i’m better at multitasking!”

might i suggest fidget toys? i used to say that i was great at multitasking—no. no one is good at multitasking, it’s just not human nature to multitask. just trust me on this one, aight?

btw, sleep. not sleeping will only make it harder to focus on the things you have to do!!

if you take meds: take your frickin meds, dude. like seriously. take them.

if you don’t take meds and want to: talk to your doctor asap. tell them your concerns, and how adhd affects your life on a daily basis. and stimulant meds are not the only option!! be open to suggestions from your doctor, but if you feel like they don’t get what you’re going through: you gotta tell them again. give them more info, because what you tell them is literally the only way they’ll know something is wrong.

getting. overwhelmed. a trap that’s too easy to fall into

lord knows i’ve been overwhelmed. i’m overwhelmed right now. maybe you’ve been sick, or there was a really hard assignment in this class or that, and you had an exam in three classes over a two day time period—i get it. and you felt like this was your year! you were doing so well! but now you have late work in multiple classes and you’re not sure what to actually... do for those assignments.

a lot of this overwhelmed business has to do with not knowing how to start. you have this pile of work to do, how are you supposed to do any of it when there’s just so much and you know you can’t possibly get it all done.

“try and do one thing,” people will say

“just start! it’ll be easier once you start,” people will continue saying

“but it’s too much,” you’ll argue

“you don’t have to do all of it,” they’ll argue back, and you’ll realise that they’re right but it’s so easy for them. for you it’s like pulling teeth to start writing that essay outline or to start working on those chemistry problems. it feels like there’s no point if you don’t finish it—if you can’t turn it in, what’s even the point?

hey. i feel you. ppl w/o executive dysfunction just don’t understand how your brain works differently. and that’s not your fault.

the main thing i can say is: talk to people who do understand. 

your friends that have seen you struggling in school forever? they get it. maybe they don’t understand exactly how you do things differently, but they see the grief you go through each year just to survive.

if you don’t talk to people about what’s going on in your life, you’re gonna explode. like actually.

so how do i stop from getting overwhelmed?

talk about your stress early on, before it’s “too late”

that said, it’s never too late. it is NEVER too late to get help.

you got friends who have the same classes as you? have you made friends in your classes? ask them for clarification on assignments, if it’s too scary to go to the teacher.

i know that for me, at least, it doesn’t even cross my mind to ask my teacher about these supposedly silly thing! but i’ve started trying to take into account that if it’s preventing me from knowing where to start something, it’s not silly. it’s something that i need to ask about.

if you can afford to do so, consider asking your doctor if they can refer you to a therapist. this comes from someone with zero experience in therapy (altho i really want to! it just hasn’t worked out that way yet.), so take it with a HEAVY grain of salt. i just know that from other’s experiences, it has helped them immensely.

self esteem. what’s that?

with all this getting distracted and overwhelmed, it’s easy to confuse your adhd with yourself. yes, you have adhd, but it’s not all of you. and did you know that adhd people have enhanced creativity? you probably did, actually. isn’t it amazing that people with adhd have figured out how to persevere and live in a world not built for us!

now, i’d like to address some common self-esteem issues in adhd individuals and why it’s all your brain tricking you!

feeling down about our abilities.

this can mean not feeling good enough when you fail to do something that you previously thought you could do easily.

this is your brain trying to tell you that you can do better than this, but the signal is getting messed up somewhere along the way! when something doesn’t turn out as well as you want it to, you have to take that and push down the urge to beat yourself up about it and use that disappointment and turn it into self improvement!

comparing ourselves to neurotypical people.

“why can everyone else do it, and not me?”

because your brain isn’t built to work like that, silly! you need to think hard about why you can’t do it the same way as them—and find a way to accomplish the same goal but with a method that works for you.

it feels like we get more criticism than praise.

listen. maybe you are getting more criticism than praise—and that sucks! like absolutely, positively fuckin sucks. but more than likely:

that’s the rsd baby. your mind naturally takes criticism as a personal attack, AND it amplifies it in your mind! double whammy, if you will. this is why having someone to talk to who supports you is so important, so you can have an outside source telling you that you don’t deserve to feel like shit. because you don’t.

thanks for getting through this post ☺

all bases of the art in this post come from this website of open source sketchy illustrations!!

i sincerely hope that this has been at all helpful. if you have anything to add onto this post i encourage you to do so! if you have any questions about anything in this post, feel free to hmu at my ask box !!!

[altheterrible]

ADHD Study Tips!

College is starting up again soon, and for college students with ADHD, that means it’s time to get our shit together. I’m a doctoral student in the last year of my PharmD and I’ve been doing this college thing for a long time. I also have ADHD. I figured I would compile some of my study tips to help out students who might be new to college or just want some ideas on how to stay on top of things.

ADHD Study Tips

Meds are your friend. I know a lot of people don’t like taking meds, but you gotta give yourself the best chance you can. Some people can’t take amphetamines, but there are non-amphetamine ADHD options out there; I’m a pharmacy student and I’m happy to talk to anyone who wants more information on medications.

Record. Your. Lectures. This was lifesaving for me. My brain doesn’t perform on command, so my attention during lectures was really hit or miss. When I started recording my lectures, I could listen to them later, when my brain was “on.”

Don’t force it. Don’t put yourself in a position where you’re cramming for exams and NEED to focus NOW. I know with ADHD, this is REALLY HARD because we struggle so much with executive dysfunction. But forcing myself to try to focus when my brain doesn’t want to does nothing except destroy my self-esteem, frustrate me, and make me less productive.

Find a planner that works for you. Put EVERYTHING on it. I use Google Calendar because it syncs to my phone and I can check first thing every morning to see what’s on the agenda. When I say put everything on it, I mean literally everything. Appointments, due dates, exam dates, times you want to study, your work schedule, if you want to go to the gym, etc. I think an electronic planner is best because it will alert you if you double book yourself, but some people prefer paper.

Bribe yourself. This is how I battle my executive dysfunction. “If you get up and go study, you can go to Starbucks.” It has to be a decent reward, something you don’t normally get.

Figure out what kind of ambiance you need to focus. I can’t focus in silence, I need background noise. Some people find background noise distracting and need silence. Whichever you are, explore a little to figure it out.

DON’T STUDY AT HOME. Home is dangerous. Home is where my bed, video games, television, books, and piano are. Those things tempt me. If I want to focus for more than 30 seconds at a time, I need an environment free of temptations.

Study in groups, but CAUTIOUSLY. I have one friend in pharmacy school who I studied with a lot during the didactic part of the curriculum. We meshed because we had a similar drive and frankly a similar level of anxiety about failing. I had other study groups where we got nothing done and it just made me anxious. Some groups will help you stay on task and Get Shit Done. Other groups will distract you, drive you off topic, and screw you over.

Make learning more interactive. Don’t just read your notes, that’s too passive. What I like to do is write out answers to the learning objectives for each lecture. There’s usually a slide at the beginning of lectures in pharmacy school that spells out the specific learning objectives. If there’s not an objectives slide, check the book chapter for objectives. If there’s really no learning objectives, ask your professor for some, or make up your own. The point is, it’s easier to learn things when you have a clear idea what you want to learn.

[thunderheadfred]

Writer’s Interview

Tagged by @pikapeppa, whose interview is here.

tagging @space-marsupial, @autodiscothings, @soldiermom1973, @meggannn, @theherocomplex, @tarysande

Q: What is your coffee order? I’m trying to reduce my caffeine intake... BUT... I still have a hard time saying no to a cup of light roast with sugar and whole milk, because I am Weak.

Q: What is the coolest thing you’ve ever done?  IDK??? Taiko is pretty cool?

Q: Who has been your biggest mentor?  I don’t know that I have any mentors, per se, but I am so grateful to all my writing buddies and fandom friends, who have given me so much motivation to turn things around this year. Also... my DBT therapy team. Hoo boy.

Q: What has been your most memorable writing project?  Hmm. My portfolio is so small that they all kind of blur together, but Red Streak is probably the stand out, since it was the first and biggest and most ambitious, and it led to everything after.

Q: What does your writing path look like, from the earliest days until now? GOOD LORD. Okay, well... For elementary school assignments, I used to submit shitty action movies masked as short stories (there were at least two, one set in an underwater post-apocalyptic bunker and another that was basically a Roland Emmerich ‘step-child and awkward parent vs. volcano’ scenario) and in middle school I straight-up started shamelessly handing in fanfics. For grades. For good grades. IDK what my teachers thought about my subject matter, but they couldn’t knock my skillzzz.

But other than that, nothing really serious. No formal writing classes, really, outside of one (1) creative writing summer class I took in a building that had a lot of wasps but no air conditioning, and it didn’t teach me zippo. 

So, it’s just always been there? I’ve always had a nasty habit of poking at stories, usually when I read or see something that leaves a hole in my head, and I just... need... to... FIX. IT.

Q: What is your favourite part about writing?  I find the entire process excruciatingly painful. Luckily, this seems to be my kink.

Q: What does a typical day look like for you? 5:40 AM - wake up, take meds, eat half my breakfast, show up exactly 3 minutes late to work. 6 - 10 AM - get paid to burn approximately 1,500-3,000 calories moving milk jugs from point A to point B while trapped in a refrigerator. 10 AM - 12 PM - (during the warm season) walk the dog, eat lunch, drink cold beverages. (during the cold season) take a scalding salt bath, eat lunch, drink hot beverages (year round) stare at a screen until I thaw out and realize I need to feed the pets. 12 PM - 6 PM - attempt to fight off ADHD and focus on any one thing long enough to make progress on it. Sometimes, but not often, this involves writing. 6 PM - 7 PM - eat, maybe????????? UGHHGHHGGH I hate this part. 7 PM - ?? AM - try to get ready for bed, have a thousand project ideas instead,  “just jot down one note real quick,” end up writing 1500 words, trigger a sinus headache from eye strain, pass out while listening to ASMR.

Q: What does your writing process look like?  A god. damned. mess. But digital. I LIVE IN THE CLOUD. It’s pretty much all Scrivener all the time for me now, because I like having everything in one place. I start with brainstorms, just mind-barf a bunch of random ideas, often written out like a strange, rambling conversation with myself, like this:

Though sometimes I start with a bunch of random dialogue that I have to write down the instant it pops into my head (and oh boy, getting that shit into a document before it vanishes forever is stressful) and then I later fill in the scene with action and setting and all that boring “necessary" stuff.

Basically: skeletal scene outline, followed by a few sprints to fill in details, then an endless, endless amount of editing, rearranging, deleting, hair-pulling, forgetting to eat, sitting up in bed at 1AM going, “OH MY GOD WHAT IF-” and so on...

Q: What’s the best advice you’ve gotten? Just write it.

I think Neil Gaiman said something to that effect, but I can’t find where or exactly WHAT he said, so just trust me... uhhh... it was him. Though I’ve heard many versions of this sentiment, and it’s universally fucking true. Sitting there and talking about how cool something might be doesn’t actually do anything to get that thing strangled out onto the page. You’ve just gotta sit your ass down... and write it.

Q: What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned?  It’s okay if it sucks. 

It probably won’t suck, and even if it sucks so hard it leaves a mark, it doesn’t actually matter. Just try again. You have to give yourself permission to create something bad, and be willing to embrace the risk of failure, before you can make anything worthwhile at all. Failure is how we learn... as long as we fail honestly and use mistakes as motivators rather than fashion our failings into cudgels to beat ourselves senseless. 

I think of it like this: it helps to set the bar so low that instead of trying to bend over backwards to reach it, I only need to idiotically roll across it like the magical dipshit conveyor belt of progress...

Q: What advice would you give someone who wants to start writing? Just write it. It’s okay if it sucks.

[horsapalooza]

SO.

I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY HERE, Y’ALL

I used to have a Ritalin prescription. I have ADHD and I mean I have it bad. I can’t think straight. I can’t focus. I have an approximate attention span of 2 fucking seconds. However - due to lack of exercise, the hyperactivity and all has faded. I’ve gotten lazy and lethargic. I never have the energy or motivation to do anything - some days I barely manage to drag myself out of bed. I just lie there for hours, thinking or watching silly videos on my phone. Overall? Not a productive lifestyle, but one I’ve never really been able to do much about.

Ritalin was a blessing. It did me SO MANY FAVORS in the short time I was on it- I have an instant release capsule, so it only lasts a short while (roughly 4 hours, to my memory), but the effect is stronger. Now, this shit is incredible, okay. It was like it unlocked my mind. I could think clearly, reason, focus - it made me feel smart. It made me feel normal. It made me feel like I wasn’t a defective piece of human trash, as so many of my teachers over the years led me to believe. But, for me at least, it came with some relatively nasty side-effects. I’d feel tight-chested, and it’d feel like it was hard to breathe. I’d always feel like my heart was racing - y’know, that feeling you get after you go for a run when you’re out of shape. Sometimes it came with chest pains. There was also the fact that it gave me goosebumps and made my skin clammy - but I tried to overlook it all because it let me be someone else. It let me be practical and efficient. It let me be productive. But eventually I had to stop taking it because the side-effects were too much.

Well, my last bottle’s been expired since December. Ritalin is supposed to last up to 4 years if stored properly, so I said screw it and popped one with another med I’m taking (an anti-anxiety medication, meant to help prevent anxiety attacks, which I’m seriously prone to), and holy fucking shit on a stick I feel like a new person. I can think clearly, my energy’s back, and I can focus my mind and my energy into my work. I can actually focus long enough to write. I have the motivation to get things done. I feel like someone just hit the on switch in my brain because 99% of the time, it’s just blank, and I feel like a moron - but not right now. I’ve got so much running through my head it’s ridiculous and I feel amazing! And the best part is, no side-effects to speak of today! I don’t know what the hell I did but I gotta figure it out because this is the closest I’ve ever felt to normal.

I just wanted to take a second to advocate for Ritalin, here. I know a number of my followers deal with ADHD/ADD and deal with some of the same problems, and I just wanted to suggest talking to your doctor about Ritalin if you have the same issues I do and haven’t tried Ritalin before. I know the effects differ from person to person but just...holy shit. This stuff works!

Anyway! I’ve got some chores and stuff to attend to, but! Once I’m done, I’ll be back here to work on replies! Because for ONCE, I have the energy to do it! 

[it-is-ok-i-am-ok]

EvWe assume it is, I mean my doctor never wanted to diagnose me with it because “you have enough diagnoses” LOL, but I got my later doctor to write it because she’s like “cfs comes with fibro so obviously you have it” doctors LOL. 

That’s why I tend to stay away from any anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-seizure etc. I pay attention to the chemicals. We are usually a lot more sensitive (obviously) to things and that includes medicine. So someone on an anti-depressant may feel a wee bit tired but we’re like out for three months. I finally got adderall for my fatigue and adhd but the side effects holy shit no. So I’m just starting provigil now. 

So, I was originally prescribed vicodin back when I was 18 (little bit before opiod crisis). My pcp gave me 24 pills for my arms being banged up and hurting. I made those babies last me a year and discovered they helped me through my flare. I stopped going to her and asked for vicodin from my rheumatologist (the dude that told me i have enough diagnoseses). He shut my ass down quick. So I went a year with NOTHING which was hell. Finally I set up with a new pcp (after lots of reserach and recommendations) and he gave me 6 pills. Made them last forever again. Then I moved to middle of nowhere vermont and just decided to take a chance and go with the pcp there. 

IMPORTANT FOR ALL SPOONIES:

I went in there completely out of vicodin because im jsut bananas. I said hey I’ve been taking vicodin for years and if you view my history it clearly shows I don’t abuse them (make sure to send along all of your medical history. The proof is always in the pudding and they love seeing your past rather than just a stranger they don’t know if they should give meds to or not). The nurse said,

“We don’t do opiods in the facility.”

I knew she was lying to my face. So I said okay but just have the doctor look over my medical records. After some time the doc came in with like a thousand page book (aka my records) and said aye you’ve done mighty fine, you’ve shown you don’t abuse and you make them last long so sure here ya go.

I had to sign a government paper (wasn’t required before) and do a pee test but then i was on my way. 

I think important things to say, “I mean I’ve been trying every medication I can for in the moment emergency help and I can’t and don’t want to go to the ER every time. I will work with you in any way I can and I just want to help create a better quality of life for myself” 

“Quality of life” 

that’s a big term that really makes a doc listen to you. You gotta pay your dues, unfortunately. They’re gonna guinea pig you and try to get out of it, but in the end they may help. You can usually tell if they’ll help by how they speak to you and if they treat you like a human being. If they aren’t doing that leave them in the dust.

Biggies:

-eye contact (cops and doctors love to use that as their magic key that you’re lying). 

-Make “I” statements. “I really just want to feel better, I really want to work with you, I will do anything, I just want to enjoy life. I feel this amount of pain here and it affects me by...”

-Patience. It’s rare to get it your first appointment. 

-Sometimes when you get these medicines or any that is hard to get, even if it gives bad side effects you’re scared to stop it because what if they nevre give it to you again and it does help a little. But in my experience if you’re open and honest and say (hey, this medicine made me feel like this and I mean I can try to deal with the side effects because of the help it gives me, but do you have any other medication like this that can maybe not give me those side effects (ex. vicodin --> oxy). 

-Just be honest and understanding. Sometimes it’s not the fact that you’re asking for the medicine. It’s the fact of the doctor being scared 1. Giving the med to the wrong person 2. You becoming addicted (which unfortunately they mostly care about that because it can sometimes come back to them). They have to realy trust you to put everything on the line, so sometimes it’s nothing personal. While for the others that it is personal fck em. 

-Show correlation. I got prescribed adderal during a hsopital stay and when i got out i got my doc on board by connecting everything. (”everyone just say oh you’re depressed so lets focu on fixing that. But they never consider why I’m depressed. Feeling fatigued 24/7...ya that’ll make anyone depressed. Not being able to pay attention and the racing thoughts, ya can make you depressed.”) so when he focused on adderal for attention I always wanted him to realize also need fatigue help. “Who can focus when they’re fatigued?” and that’s when BOOM it hit him. 

-Relating things to able bodied people. Like I said above, “It’ll make anyone depressed.” Docs obviously treat us differently and see us differently than able bodied. If you compare stuff to able bodied people’s experiences, or how they may feel it helps them remember “oh ya this isn’t normal, it’s not just because they’re depressed. Anyone would become depressed BECAUSE of this.” Also helps them think about how they’d feel. 

I always think of new stuff and remember tips when i’m actually in appointments so i’ll try to write them down for you guys.

@diagnosed-un

[dredshirtroberts]

been a while since i posted a straight up under the cut thing but it’s almost 3am and i’ve been fighting some pretty bad thoughts for like....6 hours straight now so that’s a thing.

As I’m sure you’re all aware by now, I’m fucked financially. (paypal.me/dredshirtroberts if you wanna assist with that)

This has done me a terrible, mental health-wise. Does not help I’m rationing the last of my anti-depression meds until I can afford another month’s worth.

I’m dating again and I’ve hit it off well with a guy but now I’m getting nervous that I didn’t actually want to hit it off with anyone, and i’m gonna have to figure out an exit strategy.

My bills etc are stressful and I feel like I’m going to collapse.

My brain has given me a few options on how to fix the way it feels.

cry a lot (have not tried yet, not really wanting to just at this moment because it’s messy and makes my glasses gross)

get in my car and drive as far as the last of my gas in the tank will let me and then run from there into the wild blue yonder - forget my name and everything about myself, and either perish to the elements or end up that weird amnesiac in a small town in the middle of nowhere that no one really talks about much but it’s alright cause she’s relatively harmless.

eat. a lot. as I have minimal food I need to ration for a while, not a great plan so I’m avoiding it as much as possible but it’s been tricky.

(the one i want to talk about the least but i think acknowledging that this is where my brain is right now is a good??? thing) suicide.

Guess which one my brain’s been focused on for the past several hours that i’ve been trying desperately to avoid considering too seriously.

From here on out, it will be referred to as Option 4 in this post so I don’t have to say it again because I don’t want to.

Option 4 is generally easier for me to get around, especially in the past when I’ve felt shitty. Mostly because it would make a lot of people sad and if there’s one thing I hate, it’s making people upset. I try to remember that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and everything will work out in the end I just have to get through it. 

Losing a little bit of my optimism tonight, tbh. I just...don’t think I’m going to make this work. I’m going to have to let people know how much of an absolute fuck up I am, how terrible at doing anythign I truly end up being after a time. I have a lot on my shoulders, and I really and truly thought that leaving my abusive ex would get rid of that but i’ve become entirely too aware of how absolutely fucked my psyche is recently and I hate it.

I hate everythign about where I am right now, mentally, physically, emotionally and I just want everythign to stop.

Like I’m fantasizing about how great it would be if there were a serial killer in my area that decided to start with me. Or any kind of death situation. Option 4 is a broad one for me because I tend to start with thoughts like someone else being responsible for it all. Because then I won’t have messed up - again.

And then it gets worse. Thankfully haven’t done anything to hurt myself yet, and not exactly planning on it. But like...I’m really not fucking okay. nothing in my life right now is providing me any kind of reason to keep going. I don’t even care that I’ve got video games I haven’t finished, books I haven’t read, that I just started playing Pokemon Go, that my mom would cry. I don’t care because it doesn’t fucking matter. None of this matters and I’m stuck in this hellscape reality where I can’t function, nothing will ever work for me, and I can’t possibly survive.

so what’s the point?

I don’t know why I should continue living. I really honestly don’t. Clearly none of this is worth it. I just keep ramming my head into walls and failing at being anything close to a proper human being. I can’t...I just can’t. Full on basic white girl, I cannot right now.

Possibly ever.

Okay...might have figured out a working bandaid solution to keep me going until i can get my shit straight. I gotta keep working on my writing because that works for me. It’s fun, it keeps me out of my head. maybe I can find something that will allow me to keep up with that and make money so I can pay all my bills and stay in my aparment and ideally be able to afford groceries again at some point.

Option 4 is still technically on the table as far as my brain is concerned. I’m just hoping that I can keep it on the back burner while I work on some other possible options to keep myself going and functioning for just a little while longer.

...

I just have so much going on, thoughts wise and I can’t fucking...

i think i might be demi-romantic, i am bi but i like men better whic makes me feel like a fucking fake, i’m genderfluid and i don’t feel like i can ever express that because i don’t perform the changes and i present female more than not, regardless of current gender feels. i’m adhd which is good to know but honestly has just made my life hell and i can’t make it better. i’m depressed and i hate myself. 

I feel bad because i’m way more sexual than a lot of people i know and I feel like something’s wrong with me because of it. 

I’ve been considering trying to figure out how to get into SW but I don’t know how and it’s technically illegal and I just...

I want to not have to think. Ideal life would be me living on my own, with someone else paying the bills and doing the hard work. I go grocery shopping with an allowance. I do things I like without having to worry about being useful or profitable. Maybe I live with someone or someones and i’m taken care of because i’m so fucking tired of taking care of people and of myself. I’ve been doing this way too fucking long and i just don’t want to think. i don’t want to have to worry or be stressed about money or work or anything.

I just want to exist and be loved, and kept and safe. i want to be where I can have someone i lean on and care about without having to fucking commit to a single person because I fucking can’t. I can’t do just one person - it scares me for one, and for 2 i want to share and be shared. i can’t do one person.

Oh yeah, I’m totes poly, too and nothing in my entire world right now would support that ever being an option.

My choices right now are pretty much find a sugar-parent and hope for the best, or option 4 and like...pretty sure i’m not attractive enough for a sugar-baby situation. heh, maybe if i continue on the ‘I aint got money for food’ diet i’ll be sexy or something...

if anyone’s got tips on how to do any of the things listed above, lmk. honestly interested and do not give a fuck anymore because nothing matters and why the fuck not.

...

i’m all sorts of messed up and i’m sorry if you read all of this and like...i’m not looking for anything i just really needed some of these things out of my fucking head because i can’t anymore. I just can’t.

Someone come take over my life for me because i clearly can’t handle it...

[libraryofluna]

Do you have any tips on how to concentrate more in class? I’m in college and I just finished my first year but I did absolutely horrible. I missed so many classes because I’d stay up until like 2 AM watching YouTube videos and barely got good grades or passed exams because I never studied because I just was too lazy I guess. I want to change these habits because I’m studying to become a pediatrician and I need to stop being this way but idk how. I get distracted so easily.

Hey Anon

I know exactly where you’re coming from, I’ve been there.Now is it laziness or an underlying mental health problem? I have depression and my grades suffered when I didn’t get treatment or didn’t care for myself properly. Sometimes symptoms of depression/anxiety can seem like laziness due to fatigue and lack of interest in things, but it’s a health problem. Maybe you have ADD/ADHD? I don’t know you and your situation, so you’ll know whether or not you need treatment/therapy or just some motivation. Regardless, therapy can help everyone and I always recommend it for anyone having a difficult time with something (no matter what it is).•Getting your sleep schedule on track is a really good way to stay focused in class. Getting four hours of sleep a night is a sure fire way to fail (Been there, done that). Make yourself go to bed at a reasonable time, YouTube will be there on the weekends. Try to get at least 8 hours of sleep. Eat properly as well, aim for as much of a whole foods diet as you can. I know college students are limited on food choices (at least Americans), so at least be sure you’re eating SOMETHING. Bring snacks with you to campus to eat before class. I used to carry cliff bars with me as they gave me a glucose boost and kept me full until I could get a proper meal later. It’s hard to focus when your stomach is growling and all you can think of is lunch. Caffeine can help, but in small doses. A cup or two of coffee a day when you are really dragging is fine, but I don’t recommend chugging pots of it or you’ll be so jittery you can’t focus. Exercise can also help. Stay hydrated! Drink water! Wear comfy clothes to class. Basically you have to take care of your physical needs because your brain is a physical part of your body. Being able to focus/study is related to how well you take care of yourself. Keep yourself as balanced as possible. •On days when you are tired and don’t want to go to class, go anyway. It’s tempting to stay home, but don’t. GO! Even if you’re late, 30 mins of a lecture is better than 0 mins. Something is ALWAYS better than nothing when it comes to college. I was notoriously late for my first class of the day, no matter what/when it was, but I still went and it helped to hear even a little bit of the lecture as I had a better idea of the notes/textbooks I would review later. GO TO CLASS!!•In class I found it helped me to focus when I would take hand written notes (unless my prof was a super fast talker). I’d have to pay attention so I could figure out ways to write short hand notes. Writing reinforced it in my head because I’m a kinesthetic learner. Figure out how you learn best and base your note taking on that. •When you’re home and you need to study, turn off the TV and put your phone on silent. You can download an app that will block internet access or certain websites for a set time limit. I’d leave my phone on the charger in another room so I would wouldn’t even see it. Don’t study on the couch or in the bed, study at a desk if you have one or a table, just some area other than a resting/sleeping place. Eliminate as many distractions as possible. •Get a planner. Schedule time to study subjects based on when exams are. Write down all your exam dates and start studying for them a week in advance. Section out study times. That helped me so much because I'd always forget when the test was, seeing the times written out with study slots helped me stay focused.•On days my concentration was bad, I’d study for 10-15 minutes, then take a 5-10 minute break. It’s best if you can study an hour and then take a break, but that’s not always feasible when you just aren’t feeling it. Again, a few minutes is better than zero minutes, something is better than nothing. •Make friends with the people in your classes. Hold each other accountable for studying the material. Review together. I know I’d study harder when meeting up with friends because I didn’t want to embarrass myself by not being familiar with the topics lol•Make a vision board and set a motivational picture for your phone/computer background. Have something close by that reminds you of your goals.

Lastly, (and I don’t mean any offense at this but…) how badly do you want to be a pediatrician? It ultimately all comes down to how much you want this. As a doctor, you’re going to have to put in a lot of work. Peoples lives will be in your hands. Start thinking of school in these terms, take it very seriously because the work you will be doing is very serious. I don’t know if you’re in America or not, I know some other countries you go right to med school after high school. If that’s the case, you really need to take your studies seriously as you’re learning how to care for people. If you’re American and/or have to go through undergrad first, you really need to take your studies seriously because getting into med school is tough. Either way, if you want it bad enough you’re going to have to reach deep inside you to that fire, that passion that sparked your interest in becoming a doctor in the first place in order to force yourself to get there. Bust ass now (in a healthy way) so you can get to where you want to be in the future.When I struggled to focus at my desk, I’d look at my vision board and think about how I needed to sacrifice some of my free time now so I can be set in the future. I wanted to get into this lab program more than I’ve ever wanted anything, so I let my desire for it fuel me to take better care of myself so I could perform better.

My brother and I always joke, like when we can’t open a jar or something, we’ll say “you gotta want it!” I started using that as a motivational phrase (and it makes me laugh thinking of my brother lol).You’ve just gotta want it. 

You can do it Anon, you’ve got this, I believe in you!💚

[nuwandatowanda]

(via What It’s Like to Live A Day with ADHD)

Writing about a day in the life of someone with ADHD is a tricky thing. I don't think any two of my days look alike. Adventure and (somewhat) controlled chaos are my constant companions.

As someone who runs a YouTube channel called How to ADHD, who’s engaged to someone with ADHD, who has ADHD herself, and who talks to tens of thousands of ADHD brains, I can tell you this — if you’ve met one person with ADHD, you’ve met one person with ADHD. We’re vastly different creatures.

We do have a surprising amount in common though, especially when it comes to the stuff we experience on a daily basis. Most days, it’s:

a rollercoaster of successes and failures

some moments feeling like a genius, and others feeling stupid

both distractibility and hyperfocus

good intentions gone off the rails

little emotional wounds from being judged by the outside world — or ourselves!

the healing from being understood and accepted for who we are

I hope this peek into my experience of one day with ADHD helps with that understanding.

The morning scramble

I wake up suddenly, search for my phone — what time is it??

Oh, okay. Still early.

It takes me awhile to fall back asleep — restless legs — but as soon as I do, the alarm goes off. The snooze button and I trade punches until my fiancé turns it off.

I jolt awake — what time is it now??

I scramble for my phone. 11 am.

SHOOT. Totally missed my morning yoga class, and now there’s not even time to shower. I growl at my fiancé — “why did you turn off the alarm??” — and stumble toward the dryer for clean clothes … which are still in the washer. I start a new cycle, then dig through the hamper, literally sniffing for something to wear.

I throw on semi-decent clothes, deodorant, mascara, take my meds — I’m almost out, SHOOT, gotta make an appointment to get another prescription — grab a Fiber One bar on the way out the door …

And then I run back inside to grab my phone. 11:15. YES! I’ll still make it to my meeting!

With time to spare, I run upstairs to kiss my fiancé goodbye and apologize for my morning crankiness. And I’m out the door! Woot!

I run back inside to grab my keys. 11:19. STILL GOOD!

The part where I wish time machines were a thing

As I jump on the freeway, I remember to call my psychiatrist — also that I forgot to charge my phone last night. Gotta decide between my headphones or my charger (thanks, iPhone 7).

4 percent battery? Charger wins. I wish wireless headphones were an option, but I have a hard enough time not losing regular headphones. And technically, they’re on a leash.

I try using the speakerphone but it’s too noisy on the freeway, so I hold the phone up to my ear as I call. The receptionist says there’s only one appointment available before my meds run out — do I want it? “Um … let me check my calendar … ”

Shoot. It’s the same time as coffee with Anna. This would be the second time in a row I’ve canceled on her. Not much choice though.

I’ll make it up to her, I vow … somehow.

I bring the phone back to my ear and see police lights in my rearview mirror. I panic and wonder how long they’ve been following me. The receptionist is halfway through confirming my appointment — I hang up and pull over.

One policeman eyes the dirty plates on my passenger side floor — I call these my car dishes — as the other hands me a ticket. As soon as they turn away, I start bawling. But I’m very aware I deserved it and weirdly grateful for being called out. I’ll definitely drive safer from now on.

Wait, 11:45?!

I get back on the road and check Waze obsessively to see whether I can make up for lost time. I drive faster, but Waze is annoyingly accurate. Eight minutes late as predicted.

Well, not terrible … you don’t really need to call unless you’ll be more than 15 minutes late, right?

Except I still needed to park … and fix my mascara … and walk over.

12:17. Ugh, I should’ve called. “SO sorry I’m late!”

My friend is unfazed. I can’t decide if I’m grateful he isn’t annoyed, or depressed that he expected it.

I tell him that, half joking. But he takes me seriously and says, “I used to have trouble with that, too. So now I just leave early.”

But this is what I hear: “I can do it, why can’t you?”

I don’t know. I try. It never seems to work out. I don’t get it either.

He starts pitching an internet project he wants me to write and I’m having trouble focusing. I’m doing a good job of pretending, though. I’ve got the thoughtful nod down.

Plus, my meds should kick in soon … Seriously though, does he have to talk that slow?

I see a server hand someone a check and I wonder how much my ticket was for. When do I have to pay it by? Do I have to pay by check? Do I even HAVE checks anymore? Wait, did I set up autopay for my new credit card?

I’ve missed half of what he’s saying. Oops. I start playing with my spinner ring to ground my attention. Focusing gets easier, but this doesn’t look as good as the thoughtful nod. I can tell he’s wondering if I’m listening now. Ah, the irony.

Honestly, this project sounds cool. But something feels off — I don’t know what. I have good instincts, but I’m kinda new at this whole “success” thing. I failed pretty regularly the first decade of my adult life.

It’s weird being successful enough that other people want to work with you. It’s even weirder having to decide whether or not they get to.

I awkwardly end the meeting.

Back on schedule — let’s try to keep it that way

I check my bullet journal, the only planner I’ve ever been able to sort of stick to, to see what’s next. Research from 2 to 5pm, dinner 5 to 6pm, writing 6 to 9pm, relax 9 to 11:30pm, bed by midnight. Totally doable.

My meds are in full effect, my focus is good, so I decide to head back home and start early. I should maybe eat lunch, but I’m not hungry. The table next to me orders fries. Fries sound good.

I eat fries.

On my way home, my friend calls. I don’t answer. I tell myself it’s because I don’t want to get another ticket, but I know it’s because I don’t want to disappoint him. Maybe I should do his project. It was a cool idea.

Back home, I cuddle up with a soft blanket, and start researching — and realize why I didn’t want to do the project. I reach for my phone and can’t find it. The hunt begins — and ends with me giving up and using the Find My iPhone feature. A loud beeping emerges from my blanket.

I call my friend. He answers. Does anyone else find that slightly weird? I almost never answer when people call. Especially if I might not like what they have to say. Call it phone anxiety, but a text to announce a phone call is the only way to get me to pick up — maybe.

But he answers, so I tell him why I don’t want to write his project: “Because YOU should write it!” I tell him what he said that made me realize it and walk him through how to get started. Now he’s excited. I know he’ll crush at this. I feel successful for the first time today.

Maybe I do know what I’m doing. Maybe I — I hang up and see what time it is. 3:45.

Oops. I’m supposed to be researching dyslexia for an episode.

I throw myself into the research until my alarm goes off at 5, reminding me to stop for dinner. But there’s stuff I still don’t understand yet. Ehhh, I’ll just keep going until 6.

It’s 7 and I’m starving. I grab way too much food — wait, wait.

I bring the food to my desk and begin typing furiously: “Turn ‘reading with dyslexia’ into a game …”

I write half the episode.

I get a better idea.

I start working on that one — WAIT — laundry! Not gonna beat me THIS time!

Switching the clothes to the dryer, I realize my workout clothes aren’t in there. Argh, I missed today so I have to go tomorrow or I’m not gonna feel good.

I grab my yoga pants and a bunch of other clothes off the floor of pretty much every room in the house and start a new load. I remember to set a timer!

I sit back down to write, but the idea doesn’t seem as great now.

Or maybe I don’t really remember it.

ADHD, the after hours

I can tell my meds are wearing off. It’s getting harder to hold all the thoughts in my brain while I work with them. The page in front of me is a random tangle of words. I’m getting frustrated.

The timer goes off. I gotta change the laundry — except the dryer’s still going.

I set the timer for another 10 minutes and head to the couch to hang upside down and try to get my brain to work.

Upside down, I remember I’m trying to get better about work-life balance and wonder if I should stop, even though I haven’t gotten much done. But tomorrow’s super busy, especially now that I have to work out, and — BZZZ.

I race back to the laundry room, take a corner too sharply and run into the wall, bounce off, grab the dry clothes, dump them on my bed, switch over the wet ones, and start the dryer. I race back and check the clock. 9:48.

Okay, I’ll keep working, but I’ll stop at 10:30. And fold the laundry. And relax.

10:30 comes and goes. I find a way back into that idea and I’m in a flow. I can’t stop. This is hyperfocus, and it can be both a blessing and a curse for those of us with ADHD. I write and write, and rewrite and rewrite, until my fiancé comes to check on me and finds me passed out in front of the computer.

He carries me upstairs, sees the pile of clothes on the bed, pushes them aside, and tucks me in. I promise to do better tomorrow, to make more time for us. And to fold the clothes.

He kisses me and tells me that clothes are just clothes, but the stuff we make lasts forever.

I hug him, hard. And see the time over his shoulder — it’s 3am. I’m gonna have to choose between sleep and yoga. Tomorrow’s gonna be another scramble.

Written by Jessica McCabe on July 27, 2017

[joe-whiteside]

post 4 - insomniac

1

It was August when it happened. The 8th or 9th, I don’t remember. I had just gotten through with the day’s overload of work and was closing my computer to get ready to go home. I like to be ready early. I was glancing between the clock and the door, clock and the door, clock and the door. I could tell my meds were wearing off. My ADHD makes me jittery. The medicine worked fine, but only from morning to about 4:30, and here we were: 4:55. I was jittery. I started shaking my leg. I wasn’t nervous or anything, I just couldn’t sit still that day. Probably because I had a small breakfast and there wasn’t much to dissolve the Adderall in. 

It was 4:57 now. 

I couldn’t help but wonder why the clock seemed to move so slow when you’re looking at it, but when you’re working, it’s at a regular speed. This thought would have puzzled me even more if I hadn’t noticed the hand move again. 

4:58. 

I sat there just watching, waiting, shaking. My hands had the nerve to pick up the pen on my desk and start clicking the end. I knew this annoyed my coworkers so I usually tried my best not to but today, I couldn’t help it. It was just so relieving for some reason. 

4:59. 

“I swear, if that clock moves any slower, I’m going to lose my mind,” I thought. At least, I thought I thought it. There’s a chance I said it under my breath without even realizing that I had done it because, at that exact moment of thought, Chris (the guy in the cubicle next to mine) said,

“Me too, Kurt,” 

He sighed.

I remember once, while I was out drinking with some buddies, this woman came into the place dressed like a complete whore. I must have said something about her out loud because when the woman walked by, she gave me a dirty look. I didn’t mind. I was just out to have a beer anyway. I think it’s nice when people say what’s on their mind, though maybe not if they are without basic filters. (I speak of myself, chiefly.) I look back at the clock. It’s 11 seconds until 5. 

Now, nine. 

Six, 

four, 

two... 

finally. 

It’s time to go home.

2

I wasn’t particularly excited to go home that day, nor any other day for that matter. I haven’t got much at home but a bed, a cat, and some of my dad’s old jazz records that I put on from time to time. When he and my mom retired, they moved out West. Montana, I think. They have a large camper and their life right now is best described as an over-extended road trip. At least they’re happy. Anyway, a day before they left, my father came by the house with a box.

“Your mother isn’t a fan of jazz and we don’t have space on the Winnie. You want ‘em?”

“Sure, I’ll take them,” I said, knowing full-well he’d leave them with me no matter what I said. Good thing I like the classics.

It was a rather uneventful drive home that night, and good too because my meds were really coming down now.  I’ve been experimenting with micro-dosing of hallucinogens to help keep me focused even more throughout the day. Those were wearing off too. I was at the point where I’d start counting the lines on the road just to stay focused on driving but I’d always get distracted. And it’s not like it was a long ride home either, just ten minutes, with the traffic of course. But today was a Friday evening and the surrounding businesses all closed early. But not Schlafen Office Supplies. No, we’re open, nine to five, Monday through Friday, all but two days of the year. Christmas and Thanksgiving. And sometimes, it’s just Thanksgiving.

I pull into my driveway and rush inside. It was raining outside and I forgot my umbrella at the office. I unlock the door, greet Samuel, he’s my cat, and turn a few lights on in the house. I give Samuel his dinner and order some China King. Lo mein, an egg roll, two crab rangoons, a Dr. Pepper, and a fortune cookie. I have a page in my kitchen where I write down what I normally get from restaurants because many times, it takes me too long to decide. Then, I go to lie down for a nap and allow the doorbell or Samuel to wake me up. Whichever comes first, I guess. 

As I’m lying there, Sammy jumps up on my chest and I gently put him on the floor. He always seems to know when I don’t want him around. I lie down again. Two minutes later, he’s jumping up onto me again and this time he uses his claws to really ‘stick’ the landing; (I hate that pun). I push him off and he wanders away. I continue reclining and just as I am getting comfortable, Sammy is running from one end of the house to the other, over and over, because that’s what cats do and it would have been fine if he didn’t jump up on me a third time, again, sticking the landing. I stand up and he falls into the sofa and manages to rip the suede cushion covers on his way down.

“GAH! What the hell is wrong with you?!?”

The doorbell rings. I whip around and stub my toe on the coffee table as I mutter and open the door. I sigh.

“I’m sorry, how much do I owe you?”

I pay him the $11.59 he required and gave him a four dollar tip because he looked only sixteen or seventeen and I felt bad for him.

I shut the door and went to the table to eat. 

Damn, I forgot to ask for soy sauce.

As I’m eating, Sammy comes and starts rubbing up on my leg, signaling that he’s sorry. I picked him up and pet him with one hand and held my egg roll with chopsticks in the other.

3

That night after cleaning up dinner, I walked into the bathroom, flipped the switch, and realized the lightbulb had gone out. I didn’t have any extras, I just used the last one on the pineapple lamp my parents got me as a housewarming gift. 

I gotta buy more lightbulbs soon.

I took my evening meds, being sure I took only the prescribed dose, which was hard because I had a million things racing through mind and to make matters worse, my hands were shaking. Next, I took my evening eyedrops. It burned more than usual. After brushing my teeth and flipping the lightswitch (because habits), I went to bed.

4

Whenever I can’t sleep at night, I’ll often read. It relaxes me in a way I can’t exactly describe. That night, it was Through The Looking Glass by Lewis Caroll. I was reading through The New York Times Bestsellers for Classic Fiction list.

I was starting on chapter nine tonight when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look but it was gone. I can’t put my finger on it. Just a movement. I went back to reading. I could hear my clock ticking, somewhat louder than before. When I looked over at its face, it seemed to be like water, with ripples and waves about, above the hands as if somebody filled the front of my clock with an ocean. Startled, I turn back to the book that was now warm in my hand. All of a sudden, I’m falling. I shut my eyes, afraid. 

When I finally gain strength to open them, my walls have become darker and my pineapple lamp has acquired an aura of warm-daylight glow. I look down at the book in my hands and see that nothing’s changed. Nothing except for... is it breathing? 

As it pulses in and out and as the words stretch beneath my fingertips, I panic. Hard. I throw the book across the room. In the meantime, my duvet has become an increasingly bold shade of red even though I knew it was blue. I fell against the pillows but I seemed to sink into them as if they were consuming me, no... melting me. 

I manage to pull myself together enough to get up and get a glass of water. Walking into the kitchen, Sammy brushes past my leg and in the pale, blue moonlight, I see a three-foot-tall Sammy sitting on the floor, licking his paws as his ears shoot little orbs of light and sausage above his head. I fill up my water glass telling myself it’s only a dream, praying to God it’s only a dream.

The glass breaks in my hand. 

I scream. Charging into the living room, I yell and stomp and jump and howl until, out of exhaustion, I pass out on the floor, exhausted, hitting my head on the coffee table on the way down.

5

Bright lights. 

White walls.

The cold smell of hand sanitizer.

I’m in a hospital bed hooked up to a dozen machines or so. After a few minutes, a short man in a lab coat and glasses walks in.

“Ah, you’ve come to. My name is Dr. Jefferson. Can you tell me where you are?”

“Ugh...it’s a hospital.” I groan. It hurts to speak.

“That’s right. Do you know your name, sir?”

“Yeah. Kurt. Kurt Osbourne.”

He writes something on his clipboard. 

“Well, it’s not quite as bad as we first thought Mr. Osbourne.”

“What’s not so bad?”

“I thought you might not remember.”

“Remember wha-ahh!” A sharp migraine hits. “Could you get me some water please?”

“Yes, Mr. Osbourne. In the meantime, there’s somebody here to see you.”

As if on cue, a tall, thin black woman in a lilac cardigan, yellow top, and blue jeans walks in.

“Hey, how ya feelin’?”

“Never better,” I hiss sarcastically. “Who are you?” 

“I’m your next-door neighbor Shauna Green. I moved in about a month ago.”

“Oh, I remember you.” It came out more rude than I meant it to. “What happened?”

“Well, it was around 1:30, 2 o’clock last night when I heard you. I had my windows open and you were yellin’ and screaming’ and carryin’ on like and I thought to myself, ‘That man is crazy. What is he doing yellin’ and carrying on like that? I got two kids to take care of.’ Pretty soon, I found myself, in a bathrobe, in front of your door. I was about to give you a piece of my mind when I realized you weren’t angry, you were...” she trailed and her eyes got big. “...you were something else.”

“Something else?”

“Scared, I guess. When I walked to the door, I heard you drop. And you got quiet. I called 911 and they sent over an ambulance. You’ve got a nasty gash on the back of your head there. Don’t touch it, honey, just know it’s there. They picked you up off the ground and I volunteered to stick around seeing as I was the only one who knew what had gone on.”

“Thank you,” I said dully. My head pained again. Through clenched teeth, I said, “Is that doctor back yet?”

“Why, yes I am.” he chimed, walking in as if we both knew he wasn’t listening.

Dr. Jefferson then handed me a glass of water a pain pill (which I was eternally grateful for) and he started his spiel.

“We found an alarmingly high amount of psychedelics in your bloodstream. Do you know anything about this?”

“Who’s asking?”

“Patient-doctor confidentiality applies within the law also.”

Glancing around, I say, “I only use ‘em to stay focused at work along with my Adderall. I have ADHD. I’m not an acidhead, I just do it for my concentration.”

A pause.

“How much did you find in my system?”

“Well, there was enough to make you think you could fly. And probably enough to make you try. Luckily, we don’t think you did.” He chuckled at this last statement. I resented him a little for it.

Thinking, I said, “Wait, I only take them in the morning before work. In microdoses,” I asserted. “How did they get so potent?”

“Our observations show an extremely high amount, if not all, was ingested through the eyes.”

“That’s impossible. Who uses LSD on their eyes?”

Then, it hit me. 

The lightbulb was out. I grabbed the first eye-dropper I felt. I’m such an idiot.

Just then, my face felt hot. I blushed and felt the most shame I’ve felt ever. In the moment, I was reminded of the time I went to the public pool with my family. I was a small kid so not everything always fit so well. While swimming, the knot on my shorts came undone and I hadn’t noticed. The inevitable happened when I went to dive off the diving board. I went head-first into the water. In the air, I was a swan. When I hit the water, my shorts came loose and slipped right off my little 12 year old body. I didn’t notice until I climbed up the ladder and exposed myself to a group of old women sunbathing.

Yeah, all that came back real quick.

Getting up, “I have to go. I have to get out of here.”

“Hold on there fella, you can’t leave yet,” Dr. Jefferson says, putting his remarkably large hand on my chest, holding me down.

“Let...me...go!” I say as I struggle with him to get out of the bed. I am rather weak.

“Nurses!” he calls.

Three large women come through the door. Two of them tie me to the bed with nylon straps while the third adds something to the IV.

That’s when the melting started again...

-joe whiteside