#wouldve been very happy to lose to you

[merverelli]

sleepy in bed phone doodle of tumblrs #1 sexyman Cecil Gershwin Palmer himself 🍾🍾🍾

[skeletalheartattack]

im showing my friend clanker the awesome six eggs and single ice key i found today

[serejae]

they dont know about us | c.hansol

pairing : vernon x reader

WHAT ! - being the only person able to read vernon is a strange concept to others, i guess your relationship is unique (in which, your the only person able to read vernons expressions

warnings : kisses, petnames, mentions of the other svt members, mention of dead people, slight skin ship, not proof read, established relationship au

-

WHEN HE HAS A ATTIUDE

seungkwan, vernon, and you were sitting in the middle of seungkwans living room playing uno. things were getting heated since vernon gave you 3 plus 4 uno cards in a row. so in return to help you out, seungkwan gave you a swap card to swap his stack with yours so you could win

“hey, youre suppose to give the stack to me if your gonna place it down” vernon said, to anyone else his tone would be monotone and blank, but to you, you could hear the slight disappointment in his tactic of teaming up on you.

“my house, my rules” seungkwan replied rolled his eyes at vernon protest as he put down a plus 4 card on vernon. vernons mouth slightly opened in shock, after a few seconds of processing he looked over at you.

to the normal eye this wouldve been a man looking over at someone, but to you this was vernons attitude come in. you could read him perfectly, being able to read anything his face shows from visibly to hidden. no matter how he presents his emotions it seems like you could always tell what hes feeling

“dont give me that look just because you wanted me to lose” you yelled slightly, he laughed and shook his head knowing he was caught

“what look?” seungkwan looked up

“you didnt see the reaction on his face after you put down the plus 4?”

“yeah the face of a dead person, he didnt make a face it was just…blank”

“yeah i didnt make a face” vernon teased making you groan

“he did make a face! he was giving me attitude” you defended yourself to a lost seungkwan and a happy vernon

“you both are so weird”

-

WHEN HES SAD

“i dont know where it could be” vernon ran his hand through his hair as he sat down on the couch frustrated, right now, he thinks he has his eyebrows furrowed, a pout and a slight redness to his cheek. but in reality hes just blanked out. like a mannequin, just sitting there with a blank stare

“its fine you could always buy another” dino said sitting on the floor eating off the coffee table in front of vernon.

vernon sighed as he slumped himself into the couch even more. “yn bought it for me, i cant replace it”

“i mean they could always buy you another one”

“but its not the same”

just then you walked in through the door saying hi to dino and vernon. as your eyes drifted to vernon you see him slumped on the couch with a very (in your eyes) big pout on his face. sitting right next to him you caressed his cheek “whats wrong? whats with the look on your face?”

“what look?” dino said as he chewed his food puzzled

“you dont see the big pout on vernons face?” you turned to dino

“no”

“its right there” you pointed at vernons lips where the pout evidently laid

“i think youre seeing things yn”

-

WHEN HES SCARED

vernon had his arm around your shoulder as the movie wrapped up. you could feel the gentle grip he had that tighted at times a jump scare came up.

when the movie finally ended, vernon got up and gave you a hand to help you up, as you held his hand you looked over and saw his scared face, automatically you busted out laughing making dokyeom and joshuw look over at you two

“whats so funny?” dokyeom asked smiling in amusement as he put a piece of popcorn in his mouth

“look at vernons face, hes so scared” you laughed

dokyeom moved his head to look at vernons face and furrowed his eyebrows while looking over at joshua, joshua was just as confused raising his eyebrow.

“yn, vernon does not look scared at all” joshua chuckled observing vernons expression closer

“what do you mean? you dont see his lips quivering?” now it was your turn to furrow your eyebrows

“i think thats your eyes moving really fast…i dont think its his lips” joshua said making dokyeom laugh

-

WHEN HES IN LOVE

all the members sat around the dinner table with their partners at the house party you and vernon were hosting. vernons finger caressed your thigh in a comforting way letting you know he was there. you laid your hand ontop of vernons fingers and whispered to him

“lets go start on the dishes as they talk”

he nods and lets you get up first before following you to the kitchen. the kitchen gave a view of the dining room to you both as well to everyone else. he washed dishes as you dried them, but something about vernon doing dishes in a basic t shirt with his hair down was doing something to you. you stared at him with your pupils dilated as he looked at you with his brown eyes. at this point vernon probably wss scrubbing the same spot 50 times but that was the least of his priorities

“vernon ah, yns looking at you with love and youre looking at her as if she crashed your car” hoshi joked making you and vernon look away

quick to defend him you spoke up

“what do you mean? he was looking at me with love?”

“that isnt love, thats him turning you into stone” scoups laughed

“i swear you guys have to be able to see the expression on his face”

looking around you see no one siding with you

“is vernon gaslighting you?” jeonghan questioned

looking back over at vernon, he was already staring at you just as confused, he shrugged his shoulders and you both continued washing the dishes.

-

WHEN HES VULNERABLE

“i dont get it, why cant they see the emotions on your face like i do?” you complained slightly annoyed as you laid on his chest

vernon hummed as his fingers ran through your hair. “i dunno

but i kinda like it”

“you do?”

“yeah” he replied simply

“it reminds me that youre special to me, that we have a special relationship. youre the only one who can read my emotions, the others cant and dont understand me like you do.

they dont know about us,

i like that its your special superpower

i dont want them to be able to read me like you can

just a me and you thing”

as you listened to his words you looked up at him and could see it in his face that he meant every word. how he cherished each special interaction you both had that no one else understood. because he liked being different, he liked how no one could get him, but he liked it even more how you were the only one who could

so maybe his friends cant read his emotions on his face and maybe they find him weird , but you can and dont

and thats all that matters to him

[alcoholicpornstar]

hannibal lecter SLANDER rant pt.3 [s2 wrap up+spoilers] HES DONE IT THIS TIME!!!!!

and i thought i had seen it all..i thought theres no way hannibal can get any lower then he already is on my hate scale, i was wrong, he absolutely can and I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START.

number 1 putting abigail in a position where shes beyond redemption, shes already been put into a life or death situation by her father, might i add fearing for her life every waking second considering he was killing girls that looked like her so he wouldnt kill HER. and after escaping him, receives the prize of being thrown into another one directly after!!!!!!! becoming another murder tool but this time FOR hannibal. basically reliving every aspect of the trauma from the life SHE SURVIVED!!!!! and YES she is very manipulative but she did uncover nicolas boyles body so the fbi could find it SHE WAS SO CLOSE TO BECOMING A GENUINELY GOOD PERSON AGAIN DESPITE ALL ODDS GOOOD NONE OF THE OTHER STUFF WOULDVE HAPPEND IN THE FIRST PLACE IF HANNIBAL WAS NEVER IN A POSITION TO INFLUENCE HER.

2.

his fantasy. what exact kind of world is hannibal living in where he executes his plan and thinks he won and will achieve genuine, raw happiness with them THIS GUY TAKES SELF AWARENESS AND ADDS A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO IT. he not only mutilated his step daughter, force fed will said mutilation, murdered his biological child while mutilating margot [through mason using means of persuasion], pushed his friend or lover something idk out of a window[through abigail], showed no signs of change or willingness to become better for THEM [hes beyond saveable but] by the time they needed to leave to secure his totally grudge free cannibalistic co-parent family.

3.

KILLING ABIGAIL HOBBS. this is one of the things that had me at a genuine LOSS FOR FUCKING WORDS, its heart shattering to see the last chance to have literally anything ripped away from will. he already had to deal with losing her once and now a second time, slowly in front of him because thats the way hannibal intended it to be i guess so of COURSE WILL IS GOING TO BETRAY YOU AND REJECT YOU AS LONG AS YOURE WILLING TO BETRAY AND LIE TO IN RETURN, HES HIDING FREDDIE LOUNDS? WELL YOUVE BEEN HIDING ABIGAIL. one of the people worth living for and that he couldve BY THE WAY if she wanted it [she would never go with him] been an amazing father figure to, taking into account the immediate murder of carlo after margots crash[call it what you want] and the attempt to save abigail while dying himself.

4. lastly this whole scene. you are NOT final girl YOU BASTARD FUCK and he certainly wont survive on his own because wills changed him entirely, down to every thought in his mind to every action he commits.

[bumblydumbly]

Everyone only wants to talk about Edwin but can we just talk about Charles for a second? Charles “The Brawn” Rowland?

He lived a protector, he died a protector, he afterlifes as a protector. Is that cementing for you? Protected his mom, from the brunt of his dad’s aggression, protected a schoolmate from his own ‘friends’, protects Edwin how he can, to the point that Edwin doesn’t want to even bother learning self-defense, apparently a decades old argument.

But then they have Crystal. It was Charles’ idea, but now he has another to protect. Someone alive. Even though its what Edwin has been telling him, it hits him encountering Esther, when him and Edwin are blown away, she can see them, she has iron, he can’t protect them and Crystal is mortal in a way he hadn’t really considered until then, and does the very thing he warned against!

Then Niko shows up and almost dies before they even get to know her, and he wouldve been powerless to save her if not for Crystal’s gambit. And then he is trapped in a different ending to his life, watching people (mothers, daughters, people he is meant to protect) die over and over and he is again powerless, in a familiar way and it worms its way under his skin, just watching. Watching had always been a great wrong to him (his mother had only watched, his schoolmates and teachers had only watched, Edwin’s schoolmates and teachers only watched, and done nothing, and to varying degrees, he hated them for it) but now its all he can do, and its killing him. He knows the Cat King rattled Edwin but he doesnt know why, he can’t help Crystal with an abuser in her head; he’s a protector, and all he’s doing is failing lately.

His friends notice something is wrong. They poke and prod at something he’d rather forget. He’s on edge and just wants to go home and leave this fucking place and then the Night Nurse shows and they thought something was going well for Crystal finally and instead its another thing he fucked up coming back to bite him and Edwin.

The Night Nurse is Charles’ personal bogeyman. If not Death, then any other power that could separate him and Edwin. To break the peace he found. To take the happiness he made, only after he died. To take Edwin back to Hell, where he doesn’t belong, and to be taken to his own Hell he’s convinced he deserves. This is the battle he and Edwin have been preparing for for over 30 years, the inevitable Fight For Their Afterlife, and he’s ready.

But the Night Nurse does something he doesn’t expect, and tap dances on all of his trauma to bait him into listening to her, she shoves all of his failures in his face and mocks him in his abuse and in his death. So in his hurt and panic and anger and fear and despair and desperation he Protects.

But he turns around, and his friends are looking at him in horror and fear, like his mother used to look standing vigil over his abuse, like the boy he defended looked at his ‘friends’. His greatest fear from his life, that he thought he left behind in favor of losing Edwin comes to light: becoming his father.

Basically, Charles Rowland:

[saltpepperbeard]

I cant stop thinking about the end of episode 6, specifically the Stede and Ed of it all.

Just the look on Stede's face when he pulls Ed in kills me. I need to know everything in there, in words.

Also, what do you think wouldve happened if instinct hadnt taken over? Would they have actually talked it through (as a crew?) Or would Stede have just brushed over it again and Ed accept it?. This is pretty much the only time he tries to actually help stede like this.

Also, because im rambling, why doesnt Ed defend Stede properly when people insult him? does he think it just doesnt affect him or something?

Pardon the tardy answer on this one, anon! I was in the void, only to get decked upside the head by Leslie Jones once I crawled out of said void lol. BUT OKAY OKAY-

*rubs hands together like a fly*

This face absolutely kills me too. And I feel like it says so much without saying a word at all. I feel like it says, "I'm so happy and relieved to see you right now because the true torture of the night was seeing you get threatened." And, "I love you so much for checking up on me, but I don't have it in me to use words right now, and can't really express what I'm feeling any other way than through actions." And, "I'm so terrified after what just happened, but having you here is such a grounding force."

Like just...the glassy sheen to his eyes but the relief to his overall visage...Mr. Darby I'm billing you for damages <3 sdjksldls. I think he was just so so happy to see Ed in that moment, and so relieved to have him after nearly losing him again.

And as far as talking things through goes...I honestly feel like Stede still would have stayed clammed up. I have a feeling it would have been like how it was when he initially opened the door, ie Ed doing the talking/leading the conversation while Stede stays quiet. Maybe Ed sharing such deep feelings and vulnerability would have eventually pried his shell open and gotten him to express a few fears? But idk, because at the same time, Stede witnessed Ed's bathtub moment, and it didn't really shake any of his own personal walls.

I just think he has such a complicated thing going with his own self-image, masculinity, and trauma, that it would have been very very difficult for him to openly admit to pain/terror/etc etc—especially weakness. Especially the thing that earned him vitriol and stones and death threats. And especially not to the man he respects and looks up to so much.

And SPEAKING of which, in regard to your last question, I think Ed doesn't step in to defend him for two reasons. One, he's the protector against physical abuse, whereas Stede is the protector against verbal abuse. This lovely post here [x] explains it beautifully; "they're both protecting each other from the dangers they know." Ed acts very quickly if some sort of physical harm threatens Stede, whereas Stede acts very quickly if some sort of vitriol threatens Ed. Neither of them want the other to experience the pain they're so acclimated to, and subsequently are each other's defender from such.

And two, sort of along those lines, I don't think he recognizes the hurt that can come from it, just as Stede maybe doesn't recognize the hurt that can come from all the violence. Maybe he doesn't realize how deeply it has cut Stede, just as Stede doesn't really recognize how deeply violence has cut Ed. I don't know how to word this properly lol but like...they view what hurts the other as almost a non-issue.

You can see their varying reactions and differences a few times in episode 6 actually. When Ned is physically torturing them, Stede doesn't really react when Ed is burned, but Ed reacts strongly when Stede is burned. And when Ned is flinging vitriol about prior to the violence, Ed doesn't really react to it, but Stede scowls and fights against his restraints.

And then when they're on deck, Stede doesn't think to take cover when the attack is starting, but Ed immediately flings himself in front of him. And when Ned is trying to goad Ed into getting upset, Ed doesn't take the bait whatsoever, whereas Stede steps up and gets upset on his behalf.

Not to mention also, Stede being like "Haha escaping violence? Not bloody likely" the morning after. I know that's episode 7 lol, but my pOINT STILL STANDS. They both expect those things respectively—Ed expects insulting talk from other pirates, and Stede expects violence in their line of work, but they're actually rife with trauma for the two of them.

TLDR, they balance each other and ground each other so well, but imagine how much more they would if they shared all these deeper thoughts. I'm still holding out hope that Stede will have his bathtub moment in season 3, or even just show a lick of vulnerability around Ed. Maybe the domesticity/concept of marriage will scare him enough into opening up a bit more/talking things through, or even just settling into a more mature relationship with Ed will give him the grounds to do so.

REGARDLESS, they are just a broth that's....*Roach voice* beautiful, complicated, balanced...

[scalproie]

Literally watched all of S2 last night and I dont feel like doing individual reactions sooo

All of S1:E26 was me pointing at gay people on my screen and going "hey thats from the little dark age amv"

The orion pax arc is still literally so funny. Later episodes show that there was NO REASON to keep optimus/orion alive bc soundwave and THE FUCKING SHIP can also decode the locations of the mcguffins, megatron literally couldve won the war here and there what the hell. it took meg all of 0.5 seconds after he heard his former boytoy utter his name to try and find excuses to keep him around. Also making him call you "my lord"? I Know What You Are.

And apparently optimus/orion stayed on the nemesis for two months which is crazy to me bc megatron cannot improvise to save his fucking life what do you MEAN warlord ratchet??? YOU HAVE ULTRA MAGNUS IN YOUR FILES

It was funny tho bc meg heard ratchet say "I am your doctor of doom" and thought Hey thats pretty good and then make a callback to that when telling optimus/orion ratchet is evil incarnate

Extra hilarious to me that it partially ended bc starscream went to the nemesis to raid the fridge. [Megatron voice] this plane does nothing but ruin my life

The episodes where they send arcee and jin kazama to cybertron was pretty cool i did like the vibe it really felt alien ruins-like

You can tell the experience fucked optimus a little bc first episode after the season opening and peepaw is ready to consider warcrimes

Next was the "bumblebee gets his kidney stolen" arc and I have nothing to say other than it was funny when of course it ends in starscream getting his kidney stolen

Ok I do have some stuff to say actually, we trash on the cons a lot bc theyre disloyal assholes, but when a bot is told to stay at the base for valid reasons, they bitch and moan and end up disobeying anyway and never get punished severely by peepaw optimus bc them not following orders ALWAYS works in their favor

Megatron goes "Nu-uh-uh!" in S2:E5

Im always just so happy when meg is on screen ngl he is such a massive asshole bastard🩶

Dreadwing's cool I like how he just has a fucking flip phone to dramatically blow shit up

Everytime I see wheeljack im like oh god if the show has been made just a few years later he wouldve been drift

I FORGOT HOW QUICKLY BREAKDOWN DIED fanon will really build a castle out of 4 twigs huh. and the castle sucks ass anyway

Airachnid slayed and she was gone too soon

They lowballed megatron so hard in the episode where he was struggling against one (1) insecticon BUT. he was sexy in this ep. To me. Not to optimus anymore😔

Nemesis prime was well-introduced in the show but this is hysterical to me that THIS is the show that has the "evil double of optimus" concept

Every episode with starscream after he loses his cog is excellent and you have no idea how much it pains me to admit that

S2:E10-E11 is just megatron and the gang having the weirdest fucking day and it might be my fav eps. I think I just love watching the cons do shit. Megatron killed starscream four times, fought an army of bugs and then gave drugs to his ship

Knockout and megatron's banter is surprisingly always very entertaining. I think meg just like bouncing off of a little jester

The four relics episode are kinda whatever BUT they did gave us the one (1) soundwave focused episode and whaddayaknow he was extremely sexy and competent and it was funny to see him being treated like megatron's special boy&bird

Also bulkhead continue to have plot armor thicker than the apex armor like come on in every single one of his episodes he comes just this close to death

SHOOOOOOOOOCKWAAAAAAAAAVE

I was waiting to see smokescreen's episodes before judging but now that I did I can safely say *drops to my knees sobbing* IT SHOULD BEEN HOT RODDDDDDDDD

At least his friendship with jin kazama was cute, like that "green for go" was cute

Silas ditching his highly competent human crew to sucker up to megatron really felt like they had no idea what to do with his character anymore bc what??? Like okay you remove a third faction to focus more on the main ones but still

I fucking love S2:E20 bc 1) just throw some more mystical stuff at optimus like go full arthurian stories now, 2) lots of megatron action and 3) "drop the mountain on him"

I know its likely an animation lighting thing and optimus simply could not be based like that in the first place but conceptually it is absolutely hysterical to me that after slicing effortlessly a mountain in half, making megatron look like THIS

Optimus then look straight up at the camera and fucking winks at him

And then immediately after that, megatron going "decepticons, we are so fucked."

And THEN next episode is literally "MEGATRON YOU CRAZY BITCH" like come dreadwing lets desecrate a demigod's tomb

He fucking sucks at naming stuff tho bc dark star saber??? Come on man

The rest of the omega keys episodes are also whatever but fucking hell if the whole Peter Cullen speaking in slow motion and Steve Blum mimicking that didnt get to me hard

The last starscream episode tho? Screamer cringe compilation while hes having the worst job interview of his life, of course i loved it

MEGATRON NOOO YOU KILLED THE WRONG PLANE

But again, hilarious that for the season finale megatron went "alright guys no more fucking around" and they basically won. That one moment where meg, screamer, KO all laughing maniacally together with soundwave just shaking in silent laughter with them was really funny. Only shocky is missing for the decepticon high command reunion

I really liked the moment where raf, miko and jin kazama were like "the autobots are ready to sacrifice their life for our planet, im ready to do the same for theirs" idk thats really brave and it struck me

Optimus chopping megatron's arm was really fucking cold

SILVER ERADICONSSSSSS

They blew up the autobot base like the white house in shadow the hedgehog

Overall, a lot of my favorite episodes are in this season so👍 #megatronsweep

[the-kr8tor]

…What if in BDAS ned and finn werent the ones to die but it was R?

Right as hobie was opening up to you, falling in love again. Losing the hate he had from the fire burning within him. What if the monster in the see got you instead. And all hobie could do was watch. He tried saving you but was held back. The crew couldnt lose tjeir captain just as they lost the medic.

Even if they didnt have their medic for a long while, but everyone was starting to enjoy Rs presents, especially hobie. Getting used to his scuttlebuts voice, footsteps.

After everything happened no one could be able to stop the fire that burnt with hobie, it engulfed him. Ultimately the crew couldnt stopnit, they tried. Hut he still blames the death of you and MJ on mathias. If mathias never came and took up the time. The crew couldve all been safer, you, wouldve been safer.

Fire kept hobie awake, every second and moment he spent. Planning his revenge, how bright the embers were. He was burning like how the library was engulfed. Every moment he stayed in the library, he thought ofnyou. Though the library is now just ash, different to the form it was when you were there. The fire consumes hobies being. And at night he can still hear the echo of your laughter, of your voice. Your being haungs him when your no longer there, can still hear your teasing voice. The playfulness that he tried ignoring, even if he loved it oh so much.

Just as he was learning to love again, he lost you even quicker. He questions what he felt with and towards you, it never fully got to blossom. And he doesnt want to accept he was in love with you. But oh god did the flames of loving and losing someone burn brighter ever then before.

All flames lose their brightness still, hobie became complusive, and obsessive. Addicted to the feeling of getting revenge, the others knew he was leading himself to death. He knew it himself, but he wouldnt give in. Sometimes he can still hear your screams when the ship gently sways with the sea at night, especially in his dreams. You just couldnt seem to leave him. And in his dreams, your shown as being alive, happy, and yet. You warn him, in his dreams you warn him. Trying to push him away from revenge, but he doesnt listen to you either.

Why could you, how could you? How could your death affect him worse then MJs death affected him. It remains a mystery to him, the crew understands why. But he doesnt, the crew tries getting karls help, Karls tried talking hobie out of it but he wont. It goes into hobies ear and out the other, hobies mind is set.

And soon the flames end, no longer does the fire of revenge consume him. Because hobie got what he wanted, he killed mathias. But as the blood pools around mathias, it also drenches hobie. Hobies own blood, hobie accepts his fate. Maybe in another life he wont be cursed to watch the one he loves dies, even if he never accepted the fact he lived r. Well that is until now.

But at least in this one, he gets to die as well, the bittersweet words of him saying, ‘i love you, scuttlebut.’ Slips off his tongue, as he himself falls on the floor, and slips into darkness.

Hobie already accepted the cruel fate he had, its why he didnt want his crew following him, why he pushed them away. But in the captains cabin, they each find the notes left for them. Addressing each of his crew, his allies, and what he lost. They find an extra letter, one addressed to R, he knew r wouldnt be able to read it. He needed to write it before he died though, how he felt. And when the crew dinds hobie, theres no pulse on him or mathias. Their very own captain, their friend, gone. When they all didnt even have enough time to process Rs death, now they are supposed to process hobies?

The crew ends up setting fire to Rs letter, maybe the fire, the same one that felt like it engulfed hobie, maybe it could let the universe bring it to R. Like how the universe would always bring Hobie and R together, always in love. But sonetimes, never fully able to accept those feelings. Or never able to be able to live to have those feelings.

This is like the longest thing ive ever sent to you and im sorry katy. I just got the plot point of like hey what if r died instead of finn and ned. R hads finns fate obviously😍

Also i didnt proof read this so i could have a LOT of spelling mistakes in here and im sorry. Also yes i did hint at stuff in the katyverse.

I love you katy, i love you everyone whose reading this (please dont hate me)

You had me sold at the first sentence!!! This is prime angst right here

I'm also a 'the fire inside hobie will consume him if r wasn't there' truther

Poor hobie :( he was just getting used to r and as fast as he fell r was gone just as quick like the tides

Hehehhehe i love a good revenge story (Aber jw enjoyer)

Reading the letters: opin reference 🫵

"I love you scuttlebutt" just stab me already

I love how mathias is dead in all the aus HAHHAHAHHAHA absolutely deserved tho

Ngl I considered a similar ending way way before I finished outlining it bc I thought ppl wouldn't even like the pirate au so I might as well cut it in half but lo and behold you guys loved it!! Your love fuelled in making bdas into a story i wanted to tell ❤️ ly too!

[skyartworkzzz]

Because you said you love rambeling about lore and you are looking for excuses to talk about it redeem this cupon for one free lore ramble, any topic

OH YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT U JUST DONE

SIT BACK AND RELAX CUZ THE GOATS UNIVERSE HAS BEEN IN MY MIND THE WHOLE WEEK + SOME HEKET RAMBLING Cuz I got her a partner idea hehehe <3

LONG RAMBLING UNDER THE CUT!!! (btw bless chu I appreciate u <3 )

ABOUT CULT OF THE GOAT AU:

About the Purple Crown: Ive been seeing a lot of interpretations of Goat's Crown going around and honestly Id like to put in my cents: I dont think the Crown being purple changes who the owner was, because the eye shape is still the same as Lamb's Which brings me to think that, just like how in COTL everything seems to be colored after warmer/reddish colors, everything in Goat's universe must be following cooler/purpleish palettes What does that mean to me? That ALL the other Crowns are of different colors as well, maybe a colder one compared to their original ones

Im still thinking about what each of them would be here but so far I like to think that Yellow -> Ocean green?? Green -> Blue Blue -> dark pink? Purple -> Cyan/White

I think the Crown shapes would still be the same + what each Bishop's domain would be as well

About Aym and Baal: They were never offered to Narinder. Shamura didnt have that compassion. They were so mad at their brother that they couldnt bring themselves to consider his feelings for being banished. Neither did any of the other siblings, for they wouldve been too busy fighting off Old Gods and hunting for empowerment

So where are Aym and Baal? Theyre alive! With Forneus! And both of them are lil jerks as much as their mother Taught to steal, lie and fight, all in order to survive no matter what. The twins have already expressed wanting to go out and explore the world, but Forneus refuses to let her kids go, much for her own selfish reasons of them being the only things that make her happy in this fcked up world AND because, of course, she loves them. She knows how cruel the world has turned into, she does not want to lose them Aym and Baal never met Narinder, and Narinder never met them Maybe eventually, while Goat is out in a crusade, they shall cross paths........as enemies

About the Purgatory: This is still smtng I am speculating about, but what I have so far: instead of it being MS to tell the Goat to free the Bishops from their deserved-suffering, itd be them asking the deity if such thing was possible, because Narinder wouldve been feeling bad about it He believes that his siblings could change over time, especially now that the Crowns were relinquished by the Goats power, and so they are allowed to have that chance This would unlock many scenarios of the Bishops actively trying to take over the cult, run away or kill the Goat + their followers. It is smtng Ill let cook for a while more

IF ANYTHING Id just- leave them dead lol they wouldnt be redeemable in this world (BUT BECAUSE I LOVE MY SKRUNKLIES EQUALLY ILL TRY TO MAKE IT WORK-)

ABOUT HEKET: Ehehehe I accidentally started shipping her with my follower OC Astrid so we'll see how it goes

Astrid is someone who keeps to herself for the sake of others; she is not used to opening up and oftentimes believes her pain is not worth of complains compared to others she is caring for However, she is very much talkative, maybe as a way to make her forget her problems Whilst Heket she- well. She cant. Talk much it hurts like hell UASHDNJASMDK

SO WE HAVE A TALKATIVE BUBBLY GF WITh her mostly quiet butch wife that shes constantly having to change the bandages of <3

I have a dialogue set up for them which I shall get to drawing a comic for as soon as I am done with thIS CURRENT COMIC-

ANYWAYS thats the ramblings for now, HOPE YALL LIKE THE IDEAS bless u again for givng me a free pass made me rlly happy MWEHE,,!! 💜💜💜

[lovelylichabee]

Good morning I have some headcanons for yall about the archives crew (mostly Martin bc I love him) in no particular order. Be warned there are some spoilers for throughout the series.

- Martin has ADHD so things like audio processing and object permanence are a challenge, and Jon being unaware of this is one of the reasons he thinks Martin is incompetent in the beginning. Because what else do you think of someone who takes twice as long to type out transcripts than his peers, or who can't focus on the follow up research assigned to him sometimes, yet other times focuses so much on it he forgets to take his lunch? Plus the man "loses" files on his desk (because to Martin he just sees a stack of uniform files and getting used to Gertrude's weird looking date-based labels as an organization system compared to the Dewey Decimal System they had in the library is damn difficult!) Upon learning he has ADHD though Jon finds that with some accommodations, Martin is actually decent at doing what he needs to for his job and feels a bit guilty for being such an ass.

- Tim was the first friend Jon made upon being hired into research which to Jon is weird because he's always had a hard time making friends (partially because he's autistic and partially because he hasn't had the routine environment to try to make friends since college). Tim is also a pretty opposite personality to him, so to Jon it felt sort of like when you meet a dog and the dog likes you *way* before you like the dog, but then he grows on you so you kinda sigh and go "Yeah yeah, we're friends"

- Sasha and Tim's hookup never grew to anything more because Sasha didn't know how to tell Tim she was aromantic without possibly hurting his feelings (meanwhile if she had just told him, he would've been fine with it and happy to be in whatever kind of relationship with her, qpp or otherwise). She never gets to tell him, so that's another reason why Tim never caught the differences between Sasha and Not!Sasha when Not!Sasha suddenly had a boyfriend (besides you know the reason that Stranger Rules that says only one person usually notices the difference).

- Jon doesn't like coffee black coffee but drinks it anyways mostly because he has always been told "if you add sugar and/or creamer to your coffee then you don't like coffee you like sugar and creamer" so to keep appearances and insisting he does like coffee, he never adds anything unless he's sure no one will see. Really, he likes black coffee with a bit of sugar because the sweetness gives the flavors something to travel on so he can appreciate them more because otherwise they're overpowered by bitterness. He doesn't like tea because drinking it feels like he's just rubbed tea leaves all over the inside of his mouth and it leaves behind a dry feeling that he hates.

- Martin's pure lonely domain wouldve been a rainy, foggy moorsland kind of environment where its very pretty but you feel like you're walking over the same hills and you feel like you see houses in the distance but you never get any closer to the chimney smoke you see peeking above the fog. You're also always damp and the air feels heavy, and you don't have an umbrella. But for just those moments when youre standing on tops of the hills, looking out to the rest of the environment though, you wonder why you'd ever want to leave somewhere so pretty, even if it is rather lonely, and far too quiet. It's a reminiscent kind of quiet, where you reflect on why you're walking alone here in the first place and not inside one of those houses in the distance with the chimney smoke... and then you keep walking because maybe if you make it there, they'll be kind and let you inside, and you can shake off all of this chilly dampness by their fireplace and company.

- Danny is Tim's best kept secret after he dies. Tim stops talking about his family after that, gets really quiet when the topic is brought up in conversation, but he's still careful not to look upset even if his shoulders tense a bit when he smiles and says something along the lines of "Nah, I don't have much family anymore" when he's asked. Their parents passed away some time after Danny was gone (by natural causes), and Tim never forgave himself for not being able to get back at whatever killed him before they passed, so he doesn't feel it's right to be allowed to talk about them until he does, like some kind of mission he has to finish before he can let himself grieve properly.

- Peter and Elias either are or were married, but with the way they act its very hard to tell if they are actually divorced or just on the brink of it because of how they interact with one another, leading to the rumor that they keep divorcing and getting remarried frequently spreading around the office. Elias knows it frustrates Peter to have attention on them like that so he doesn't stop the rumors, and sometimes actively encourages them when they're in another one of their "divorced" periods. Peter doesn't actually ever fully leave though because he considers the relationship more transactional and useful, than anything nearing "love". They have their soft moments together though, brief little moments of understanding, very privately, and never discussed again after they happen. Elias misses him after he dies, even if Peter was trying to get him killed.

- Tim could've gone Desolation if the idea of serving an entity didn't disgust him. Choosing to serve an entity is a choice that you have to make, and Tim could see in Jon what doing that does to a person, and what people serving the Stranger did to his brother (even if he didnt know exactly what it was). Even if Jon didn't really start accepting being The Archivist until after his coma, Tim was alive before then and knew that it had changed him. Plus experiencing some of the other entities (being attacked by "worms", being in the tunnels, being in Michael's hallways, dealing with Jon's paranoia and stalking, being in the unknowing and seeing what happened to Danny), he has seen what kinds of effects these entities have on people. The Desolation likely did call out to him in that moment of the explosion, and he spat in its face because he'd literally rather die than ever give himself to something like that.

- Personally, I like big but short Martin who is a bit stronger than he looks because of hefting around file boxes in the archives. I imagine "the stacks" being a bunch of shelves sort of like a library but instead of books, there are boxes that fit in, with the files inside of them, but they're left a bit open and uncovered because air flow and climate controlled environment. I don't know if that's how it works bit that's how I imagine it. And then there's a lot of file boxes sort of stacked on top of one another on the ground and stacks of files also on the ground because that archive is an unrealistic mess and sort of ridiculous. But yeah. Big but short Martin who has some hidden muscle.

- Honestly if I imagine them all standing next to each other, Tim is the tallest, Sasha is only an inch or 2 inches shorter, Jon is a bit shorter than Sasha, like up to her shoulder, and Martin is the shortest and needs help getting things off the top shelves from the other three because he wobbles too much on the step ladder and it makes him nervous (another reason Jon likely finds him a bit irritating in the beginning).

- Jon's hair starts off short and very proper but grows out a bit in season 2 because he's too busy being paranoid to take care of himself. He gets a haircut when staying with Georgie in S3, and then his hair grows out a bit again while he's kidnapped, and he doesn't cut it again before The Unknowning. It grows to his shoulders during his coma. He doesn't take that good of care of it leaves it long until the Buried, where he has to cut it all off. He doesn't cut it again and he takes à bit better care of it after being rejected by Martin. It grows abnormally quickly leading to it being past his shoulders and with some natural curl by the time he and Martin do actually run away to the safe house. He wears it up most of the time during S5.

- Martin's hair is loosely curly and a ginger orange or strawberry blonde but fades to white as he gets pulled further into the Lonely by Peter Lukas. When hes working in the office under Peter and Jon asks him to run away together, its very washed out but not fully white, and when Jon rescues him from Peter's Lonely, it is pure white, and slowly fades back to its natural color once they are together and they get to the safe house, though a patch of it remains pure white up in the front of his hair, as if he had Poliosis. In his s5 domain when he's talking to himself, Lonely!Martin continues to have fully white hair.

- I have more but this is already pretty long so I'll stop here and if people care about this I'll answer asks or do another one.

[gwaaaaar]

YET another MazM update.

SO @clawtistic sent this article in an archive server. I google translated everything to get a few key points.

A. MazM is gonna continue this minimalist no gameplay style for their next few titles. We have names such as dracula, little women, hamlet etc lined up.

B. Black Cat is slated for release at the end of november or so.

Guys. I have a bad feeling about this. I know like half their employees left after the great hns/tc apocalypse but jesus christ. They said theyre prioritizing characters/story + they felt in the past they fucked up by making it too gamelike but it didnt fit so thats why theyre ditching the gamplay. BUT JEEEEEEESUSSSS CHRIIIIIST!!! What's even the point of playing anymore if we can just read the books? I know the gameplay was minimal in the past but the yellow bricks/heartless gameplay was like. Way better.

I honestly think this is just an excuse to cover for the fact they're losing employees. Longform projects like thy creature or pechka have the downside of needing to give their employees a steady income while theyre in production so at least with shorter ones the balance of budget and time is easier to handle. But i honestly, HONESTLY. Don't think this is good. This feels like a decline in quality that I hate to see. A longform novel like dracula deserves the care that thy creature got. Dracula id argue is the one novel that should have gameplay elements similar to rpgmaker horror or point and click because the story in if itself is a gameish plot (they have multiple objectives and a final boss). But if they snipe that... and make it into a flat visual novel... idk man.

Thy creature had a very trouble production. What with the writing being kinda bad and the employees being rushed to finish a deadline. (Source is from Crack and Mahas twitter. They left the company due to overwork). Its clear they didnt recieve as much revenue as the money they spent on it in the first place which sucks! The art, music, and gameplay are all pretty good all things considered, and the early access version was on the brink of being something super good. I think they mustve felt an obligation to hurry up because they kept pushing their deadlines, but it shouldn't have been at the expense of their employees. I personally wouldve waited years just so they could get a product they could be happy with.

We have to speak with our wallets and our tongues. PLEASE if you can, tell your friends to play their games, increase conversation. Shill like youve never shilled before! If youre in the server, make suggestions about how you want the games to be like, what satisfys you or not. We may be small but our interlaced community is what gives us power. They already make their games free for us regardless of if we have to watch ads or not. This is the least we can do for them.

[seaweedbraens]

14!!! what was the thought process behind percy’s backstory and the murder of sally jackson?

TWO WEEKS TO GO!!!

essentially - i killed sally because i needed to give percy a reason to run. i needed to have him untethered because 1. he would be presumed dead until found, but because he was on the run he 2. wouldn't be found. and he needed to stay hidden until the right moment.

sally dying is also percy's rude awakening to the world of the gods. he'd lived a happy life thus far, but sally dying for him would 1. cement in him that kronos/the monsters were a real threat capable of killing him, 2. cement in his brain who the enemy was, 3. cripple him mentally and emotionally enough that he'd carry the grudge against the minotaur (and later luke) with a vengeance for the rest of his life.

losing sally so young is also a big reason why he latched onto annabeth (& bunker 9) as hard as he did (and this is not entirely healthy - something i have briefly addressed in the final chapters). but to me it makes sense because this is a dude who hasn't had a home for close to a decade. he found a home briefly in nico and bianca, but then she died and nico fled, hating him. he spent the five years after the first war blaming himself for bianca's death and basically being a nomad until grover & co found him.

let me put it like this. sally is/was/would've been one of percy's mortal tethers, and although she wouldve tried to keep him safe, the monsters would have come for him eventually. she had to die for percy to really be hit - and hit hard - with the reality of his world. he needed the rage and pain to keep him going, because for a longass time he just wanted to become someone who wouldnt fail anyone the way he had failed his mother.

being in the bunker gave him a purpose again and gave him something to fight for. and being around annabeth felt like he had someone to live for again. she's the first one he truly opened his heart to, and the first one he felt truly got him.

percy losing her essentially paved the way for the rest of his life. if he hadn't lost sally, he wouldve never been found by lupa, never been trained by her, never known the reality of the world he lives in until it was too late. if the monsters had found him in that world, sally still would've died - but so would he.

longass answer for a VERY good question. if you really have fourteen more of these - damn, anon. kudos to you, and i'm very flattered <3

i'm also gonna give these their own tag and link it to my masterpost, because these are really thoughtful questions. thank you, anon!

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Ive made through chapters 4-7 today and good god, I feel like i had basically nothing to say about acotar as I was reading it but with this book theres so much to talk about for some reason, its wild. Truly, I did not realize how much I liked Feyre in the first book until I was under threat of losing her

Now, I will say that Feyre seems in-character so far, shes still the same woman but traumatized, but I am worried for her. Tamlin is a whole different story though, SJM might as well shoot him dead right in front of me for how thoroughly hes being character assassinated. Like, if Tamlin actually cares about Feyre as a person and not just in a douchy, possessive alphahole way, which he should because Tamlin was not that kind of guy previously, then he would force Feyre to train so she can defend herself if necessary, not forbid her from it. Even if he didnt want her to use her magical powers, surely he would make her practice with her knife or with a sword or even with her bow just to be safe, because hes not always gonna be there

I think his actions do continue to make sense if you look at them from his perspective, but I also maintain that he's doing a really bad job at responding to Feyre. But also, its so laughably obvious what sjm is doing by having Tamlin say shit like "you were stolen from me", shes trying to paint him as some objectifying asshole. Even Lucien calling her "Tamlin's bride" feels like its part of all this, and I know Ianthe is gonna turn out to be a traitor and a rapist at some point, so it really comes across as an attempt to villify the entire spring court for its association with Tamlin

Speaking of Lucien, I genuinely think part of the reason Feylin is doing so badly in this book is that his dynamic with Tamlin is completely different now. For some reason hes all like "oh, my High Lord" instead of "my good friend Tamlin", he suddenly cant say a word against him when he was talking to shit to him just a few months ago in-uinverse. Like, if their dynamic was the same as it was in acotar, Lucien wouldve probably been like "hey man, I know youre stressed and I get it, I know what its like to watch the love of my life get brutally murdered I dont know what its like to have her magically ressurected again but thats neither here nor there, but Feyre is clearly not happy being inside all day and you need a break, go take her out on a date in the woods, I'll stay here and take care of everything, dont even worry about it" or gotten him to comprise with Feyre or chill tf out or SOMETHING but because theres suddenly this rigid hierarchy in the spring court in order to make the night court look better

Speaking of the night court, Ive heard some stuff about it feeling very orientalist but it still managed to completely blindsight me with its badness. Feyre got fucking harem pants to wear, really? And a short-sleeved croptop, and no fucking shoes, probably because Rhys didnt want Feyre throwing shoes at him again. That was the one moment in this book that brought me genuine joy btw, I would read a thousand fanfics about her just throwing shit at him

Anyway, speaking of my guy (derogatory) Rhysand Nolastname, hes so incredibly annoying I dont even have any coherent thoughts about him right now, like, if I were to write down what I think of him I would just write "he fuckinh pisses me off" over and over again. Im actually a really big fan of edgy shadow bois, but only if theyre like, sad and angry and closed off, if theyre like Rhysand and theyre all flirty and teasing and cocky and shit, theyre just annoying and nothing else. And the romance has barely even started yet, I cant imagine how much worse the flirting is gonna get later. Not to mention all these desperate and obvious attempts by sjm to make him sympathetic and morally good now, its honestly pretty pathetic

Now Im gonna be real with you, I didnt get a lot of sleep yesterday and I can feel myself and the things Im writing getting less and less coherent, so Im just gonna hit you with the very last of my thoughts bullet point style

The fact that Amarantha apparently didnt actually go rogue and it was all part of Hybern's plan feels misogynistic ngl

Ianthe's entire character already feels so misogynistic and slutshame-y and she hasnt even assaulted anyone yet

Something about Mor bothers me, I cant quite put my finger on it but its there. I think I do like her for annoying Rhys though

God, Im gonna have so much to say about the Illyrians but for now, its awfully bold of Rhysand to be like "they wasted no time throwing themselves before her feet" when THATS WHAT HE DID

Thats it for now

[athenaspeculiardaughter]

i had too many just to put in the comments. i dont know how much you wanted so... thats on you.

jason loves heavy metal and plays the drums. he's also gay and in a qpr with leo and piper. hes got a wolf cut and still has some of his wolf-like tendencies, having adopted them from living with lupa at a young age. when he went to camp jupiter, those tendencies dissapeared over time, people telling him that it wasnt normal to eat raw meat or chew on things. but he never quite learned to smile with teeth when he was happy, and growls when hes mad. also i think he has a peircing somewhere. and i think he used to be super jacked, like shredded unhealthy jacked, but when he went to college he had less time to work out and he got some fat around his muscles and he loves it so much, and he looks a lot cuter this way.

leo is aroace possibly gay as well, and loves 80s music, like huey lewis and the news, some billy joel, and some dire straits. he also is obsessed with back to the future (his fave is the cowboy one, bc of his texan roots). on him being from texas, i think he has a little bit of a texas accent, just bc he was mostly raised by foster families in the south. he used to have a spanish accent, but it faded after having spent so little time speaking spanish and being around spanish speaking people. i think he totally wouldve been a band kid except he never had the time and the time passed a long time ago.

piper has lots of peircings, her newest one is snake bites and she always has smudged eyeliner. she likes the cure and is kind of goth. shes a lesbian, but, again, in a qpr with jason and leo and says theyre the only guys she thinks are hot. she loved heathers and totally had a crush on winona ryder. she had an ed bc of how exposed she was to hollywood culture, but shes working on it. she has a tooth gap and an indigenous nose. she has this really loud pretty laugh and she loves to dance.

annabeth listens to arctic monkeys 24/7. shes unlabeled and strictly wears jeans. no jewelry besides her necklace, not even her ears are peirced. she forgets to eat, but only because she gets so engrossed in her work, and percy has to bring her food. at that point its pretty easy, if percy just puts the plate next to her she'll absentmindedly eat it, same with a cup of water. she's got lots of band tshirts too, a lot of them stolen from percy.

percy is a skater boy. he wears baggy band tshirts and sweats or jeans and a couple necklaces and peircings. i think he has an eyebrow peircing and was really tempted to get cheek peircings before realizing that then he would have holes in his cheeks and that fucked with his brain too much to get them. he also wears eyeliner but likes doing annabeths makeup more than his, which he gets to do often, since she could never refuse his puppy eyes. hes got lots of sea animal stuffed animals on his bed instead of pillows. he wore a skirt once and wasnt opposed to them, but eventually decided it wasnt worth flashing people. in the summer he is a strictly no shoes no socks man, can only find him barefoot or with sandals.

hazel is short. thats canon ik but its important. she likes softer music like sleeping at last and music like tori amos. she also likes astronomy and stargazing, and youd think she believes in astrology but she thinks its all bullshit. she likes drawing objects like theyre sentient, not humanoid, but she makes them feel alive, like creatures. she loves stuffed animals too, and is in the process of learning the viola. she still uses old fashipned words (canon) but curses like a sailor and has very modern views for someone born in the 30s.

frank never loses his fat. hes still fat, i hate that they made him all buff like it was a part of his character arc to lose weight. frank is a theater kid. thank you for coming to my ted talk. he likes graphic novels like amulet and nimona, etc. he has a really infectious smile, wide, dimpled and too cute. again, theater kid, though i dont think he can sing very well, but he has fun trying.

i think thats most of it. honestly i got really caught up in it and made up some stuff along the way. if you dont like any of it thats fine:)

Honestly your headcanons are really interesting I never thought about 3/4 of them and I actually like them😄

[tio-trile]

came back here on tumblr after literal years just for gomens 2 stuff and i got a notif from you. I feel happy seeing your blog again,, so its so surprising for me that you disliked s2, purely just bc youre someone i consider as monumental to the entire fandom bc of your loyalty pre-TV era. so it's intriguing to know your thoughts abt the tv version.

i read your points and DAMN you reminded me of the stuff i didnt like back in s1 that I FORGOT bc so many years have passed since i watched + read the series. I forgot how much I loved bastard, asshole Aziraphale. TV him is characterized as 100% good, better than heaven dude which isn't bad.. and hes very fluffy and adorable. But i always liked the difference between that and crowley being a demon and yet nice. i always missed him calling him "my dear" too. If theyre gonna make them lovey dovey in TV, make him call him my dear damn it!!

As a book fan too, i personally loved s2. But reading your points made me realize it wasnt completely perfect so I respect your side. I do hope s3 turns out to be better than our expectations so you can tune back to it again. I just want you to have more content that you can enjoy even if it's completely new stuff. I understand the feeling so bad of having new stuff but being unable to enjoy it (a diff show for me). Makes you wonder what kind of plot he and Terry originally planned for all this fanservicey stuff to happen. I agree about the book part too, Crowley would never throw those around! The part with them meeting as angels, honestly I think it wouldve been better if they just didn't remember it so they wouldn't ruin their first meeting in the book. It would've been fine as a throwaway like "they met but don't remember."

With the finale,, hmmm I think TV!Azira's characterization def plays a part in why he did it. TV!him screams as someone who is still insecure about being an angel and losing his privileges. So he took the only opportunity he could to change heaven so he and Crowley could live in peace, after seeing Gabriel who is alr so powerful, be cast away after that decision. I'm curious though, how would you think book!him would think in this decision?? With an Armageddon 2 coming up again I can't imagine of anything else the two of them could do to fight it again w/o an influence in higher power.

Oh geez, I sure hope that nobody has notification on for my blog right now 😂 (or ever)...it'll be so annoying for them 🤣🤣 and honestly, I'm just some guy on the internet running a blog with no profit to gain from being "loyal" to a fandom, so I'm gonna truthfully share my opinions. And yeah like you said, it's possible to enjoy the book and the show at the same time, just taking into consideration that they are different media and characters. It's hard to imagine book!Aziraphale in this situation because there has been too many differences that led to this situation......and I just don't see book!Aziraphale in this situation, because to begin with, I don't think Gabriel would even go to him in times of trouble, lol. So let's say that Metatron directly went to him after everything had happened and Gabriel had already ran off and offered him the position (with an offer he can't refuse) -- I think he would have to accept on the surface, and then he would immediately go to Crowley to try to work their way out of it/figure out a way to keep the position but still slacks off all the time like he's always done 😂😂

[boyloversxo]

but what if the thing your working towards is unattainable or you used to have the thing and then fucked everything up and lost it

ill tell you a story

it was only two years ago that I met a guy. he was amazing. literally anything I could have ever wanted in a guy, he was, and I fell in love with him immediately. he felt the same way about me. it was crazy because I hadn't a clue as to why he wouldve chose me to begin with, let alone that quickly, but he did, and both of us were happy. I've told him secrets I still have yet to tell anyone else, same with him. I've done insane things to be with him. I was 16 but absolutely insane for this guy.

my previous boyfriend had cheated on my during our entire relationship. it was scary because I had no idea he had been doing it until he told me himself in a spur of the moment confession. he'd been perfect too but that all crumbled down so quickly and it shattered me. so I was so scared to lose this guy, and I knew he had other people who liked him, so in order to keep him around I treated him like shit. I wouldn't let him talk to anyone in private, I either had to be there or he had to have records of the entire interaction and if he didn't I threatened to break up with him and did but only for like a day before he apologized to me. I told him these were my "boundaries" and spent a while convincing (manipulating) him to agree to them.

it eventually got to be too much for him and he broke up with me. I spiralled. I freaked out on him and threatened to kill his new boyfriend (who happened to be my best friend). he later told me there'd been a chance that the three of us could have a relationship together but that I'd ruined it when I said that. I didn't mean it of course, I'd never hurt anyone, let alone my best friend. but that's what hurt so much. a meaningless hollow threat I'd made during the heat of the moment destroyed my chance to be with the guy of my dreams.

it took me a bit of grieving but eventually a few weeks later I reflected on what happened. I realized that I was the problem, that I never wanted to hurt him but it was all I knew to do because I was so afraid of losing him to someone else. it ended up being the reason I lost him to someone else. I stayed out of relationships for about a year and a half, spending my time healing and thinking about what I'd done and how I could heal myself so that I wouldn't freak out on the next person I date. turns out I have bad BPD that I was receiving no therapy for, so it festered inside me that whole time. not saying that people with BPD are as abusive as I was, I just had emotions and breakdowns that came from that that I didn't understand so it ended up turning into that.

fast forward a few months, I'm in a very happy relationship with a new guy who is just as special as my other guy was. I give him space. I let him talk to people. yes there are times I'll admit where I get my fur ruffled up, but I vent it out through jokes and he reassures me that I'm his. I'm a very different person from who I was before, and yes, I did apologize to the other guy. I let him know that what I did was wrong and that I was healing from it and trying to change, and that nothing I did was his fault, that he was a victim, and that he shouldn't let what I did to him affect how he goes into his future relationships. he's forgiven me and we don't talk anymore

every so often I'll think about him, about what we had. his pictures. his art. his little crafts. he loved playing guitar. he has a little sister. his skin is the most perfect shade of chocolate brown you could ever see. sometimes I yearn for it and miss it. it used to make me sad. but its bittersweet now, because as I look at it, he was a trial. I was in a bad place, he happened to be there for me at the wrong time, and I hurt him. but he showed me how not to love. he showed me how not to keep them around. I had to lose someone as perfect as him to be perfect for someone who is just as important to me.

my whole point is, sometimes things are unattainable. sometimes you do lose things. but it's up to you to make the most of it. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong- I'm just saying that nothing right has happened yet so far, but that doesn't mean it wont. you need to be patient and be self reflective, pay attention to how you're approaching things and how things are turning out. don't be afraid to change and don't be afraid to lose people. whoever you're pining for, they're not the only one. if you know you cant have them, you need to move on. losing someone is never inherently a bad thing. its one of the best things that's ever happened to me, because it made me a better lover and person, and it gave me a story and a lesson to pass down to someone like you. I promise there is love for you, waiting, or it might even already be here. you just need to keep holding on. its there, I promise.

if you ever need to talk feel free to dm me on here or on my main. Id like to hear more about your specific situation so that I can better help you, if you're comfortable and/or feel you need that. if not, I hope you can take something away from this and use it to help you. it used to be hard to admit this all but Ive made peace with it and I'm hoping it can help at least someone.

<3