#wouldn't recommend to people with ocd

[elenadoeslife]

going for 'not perfect is better than nothing at all' 💫

[draconym]

I don't know much about meds but I know that there's something wrong with me. I'm depressed all the time and I no longer do the things I love to do. I have anxiety that keeps me up at night, mostly due to repetitive obsessive thoughts. My whole life feels like it's on a loop. All I do is work and come home, and stay in the house on my days off. What medication options are there for me? Obviously you're not a medical professional (I think) but knowing some options might help me ask a doctor to look into them.

I am definitely not qualified to recommend medications to you. There is a LOT of individual variation in how people react to any given medication--psychiatric or not. I am allergic to at least one common painkiller, which gives me psychological side effects. Other people warned me against the (very effective for me) medication I'm currently taking because they had bad experiences with it. So I don't think I'm able to offer any info that searching for "types of antidepressants" wouldn't get you.

But I will say that it sounds like you are going through a really hard time and you should definitely bring it up to a doctor AND your friends. The human animal can and will normalize terrible conditions, but feeling depressed and anxious all the time are signs that something needs to change, whether it's in your environment or in your body. If you have a PCP, try asking to be evaluated for depression and anxiety, maybe OCD. Tell people close to you that you're having a hard time.

Lastly, I'm gonna recommend the You Feel Like Shit website as a self-care to-do list for when you know you feel bad but you're not sure if there's anything you can do about it.

Shit sucks. Sometimes it helps just to know that you really are doing your best and you don't deserve to feel this way.

[strawberryflavoredvenum]

Creepypasta hcs.

TW: Mental illness/sh. It's nothing too graphic but if you don't want to hear about that I would recommend not reading this sorry🩷🩷🩷

Toby

🤎has LOTS of piercings. It's not like he can feel it so why not? Not just on his face, everywhere. With an unsterilized sewing needle he found somewhere. It's a miracle they don't all get infected.

🤎 Toby's one of the girls according to Nina. He's also known to attend a tea party or two with Sally.

🤎He basically lives in ejs room. His own room is just for storing belongings at this point. He sleeps late so there isn't an issue with him interrupting ejs routine.

🤎LOVES extreme flavors. Spicy, sour, salt and vinegar. He has a bad sense of taste so these flavors make food more fun for him.

🤎He is bisexual. He thought he was asexual before meeting ej. He had a brief crush on clockwork but she made it clear that it wasn't going to happen.

Ej

💙Very quiet and awkward with most people. Nina likes to rant to him because he listens well and she likes to talk a LOT.

💙He looks tough and like he doesn't care but in reality he gets really overwhelmed in social settings.

💙He has OCD and horrible intrusive thoughts. He struggles with self esteem issues because of that and the cannibal thing.

💙A bad intrusive thought he has is imagining himself eating other proxies. It makes it hard to talk to them face to face. He feels really guilty.

💙He worries a lot about freaking out toby but he couldn't care less. Toby doesn't care about cannibalism or the ocd repetitions or anything. Why would he?

💙He is so lucky he managed to get a room with a bathroom attached so he can do his morning routine without interruption.

💙He doesn't have a label when it comes to sexuality. He doesn't think about it at all. Toby was his first and he doesn't think there'll ever be anyone else.

Nina

🩷has a slight crush on clockwork but doesn't do anything about it. She would still be with Jeff in a heartbeat if he gave her a chance so it doesn't feel right to pursue Natalie.

🩷Erotomania hit her HARD. It's what started this all. Since becoming a proxy, it slowly got better. Especially when she gained female friends. Talking with Jane really helped. She still likes Jeff and is prone to relapses.

🩷She didn't have friends before becoming a proxy. She was a 'weird kid' and she scared other kids off. It majorly contributed to her mental illness/ obsession with Jeff

🩷 She's a maladaptive daydreamer. Sometimes she'll pace around her room listening to music and imagining things. Sometimes she'll convince herself that the things she'll imagine are true(Jeff).

Jeff

❤️he is absolutely disgusting. He'll murder people and later crawl into bed without even taking his clothes off. Shoes in the house/ on his bed. He doesn't care. Slenderman had to intervene a lot.

❤️He is very aggressive with the other proxies. He's in a constant spiral and it honestly saddens the others. They are tired of him but also sad for him.

❤️he yelled in Sally's face one time when she touched his stuff and got beaten up by multiple other proxies(with Sally out of the room of course). Safe to say they don't get along.

❤️ he's surprisingly gentle with smile dog. They love to play with each other and smile sleeps in Jeff's room. He's always in a lighter mood with smile dog. He's just a dog person in general.

❤️ Despite how he acts he does like most of the other proxies. It's very hard for him to apologize but he does feel guilty when he rages. His way of saying sorry is usually in the form of handling missions for them or a chore they had to do.

Slenderman

🤍I wouldn't say he feels parental towards the proxies but he definitely feels something towards them. Idk if even he knows. They are under his control and they do his bidding but he also worries about them. It's not a Healy relationship obviously but it's more than worker and boss.

🤍He has a soft spot for Jeff. It's why he gets away with more than the others do. He takes care of him as best he can while dealing with everyone else.

🤍He spoils Sally and lazari so much. The proxies do to. When they kill people the retrieve toys or candy from their houses for them. They get their way 90% of the time. Everyone mostly feels bad that kids are living in this environment.

[imagionationstation]

I know the evil Leo au involves the rise brothers being perfect, but do you think that they ever do anything perfect that's *not* perfect to Leo? Before he hates their guts and everything they do?

Like, they're genuinely meaning well but he doesn't like it kinda

He’s not evil!! He’s just… Sad :(

He’s a sad boy who needs to be chained up so he doesn’t hurt anyone. He needs therapy. He needs hugs. But mostly chains.

Oh, yeah, that definitely happens! All the time. Many times.

I think what's interesting is there are a number of things that the Rise brothers do in the show and they are portrayed as 'good' or 'relatable' and I kinda side-eye it like: Is it? Really??

But of course, I respect the differences of community and families that lead others to see themselves in the Risebrothers.

Leo is too busy being scared of losing his brothers. Which means that everything the Rise brothers have done and will do gets put under a microscope WITHOUT a "respect their choices" lens.

This scene was following me for hours. I wanted to try and think of something else better but I failed miserably. This is what you get.

(I really wanted to express that neither side is the villain nor the good guy in this scene and I'm hoping that I did that well.)

Disclaimer:

Author is NOT OCD but IS playing with the topic of OCD again. OCD symptoms such as: random, intense obsession based on fears of harming/being harmed, blind desperation to follow a safe ritual, and accidental self-harm due to failure to complete compulsion.

If any of these things are triggering, recommended to walk away.

Leo was having a surprisingly good time.

He thought that the brothers were exaggerating when they said that 'their whole situations' wouldn't be noticed- seriously, what is with that cope? Just say mutants- in even the busiest parts of the city. Rafa had even gone as far as suggesting that they put on a strange variety of assorted items for 'costumes' and walk freely through Times Square. The busiest area in any New York. In broad daylight.

"Just live the mascot!" Leon had instructed before leaping backward into the city streets. His brothers had followed his lead, with Don creating a mid-air purple slide to catch them. "GERONIMOOO!"

Leo couldn't bring himself to move. Or think. Much less breathe.

Then Mikey had crept to the edge of the building, eyes blow in worry, only to relax at the sight. He looked back at Leo, absolutely beaming, and said, "Look!"

Not a single person gave the alternate selves a second look. And when they did, it was to eagerly beg for a selfie.

"We're kinda celebs down here." Leon strutted beside Leo once they joined him on the ground, hands propped behind his head. "People love a good dance party."

Which, of course, led to them dancing on a billboard. Somehow.

Leo didn't know what to think but he felt better when Raph sidled in closer to their little brothers, sharp gaze on the crowd around them. The music was blasting and people were cheering and then Mikey bolted to leap up there with them before Leo could react.

Michael pulled him up and Leo's brothers looked as shocked as he felt. They looked at him, waiting for instruction. He didn't have any. They couldn't drag him down without causing a scene. Mikey joined their groove, laughing, and Leo waited for everything to go wrong.

The song ended and they got a standing ovation.

Mikey got a standing ovation. From a crowd of humans.

They came down. The crowd immediately swarmed them to beg for pictures and selfies. Their alternates jumped into poses with their fans, but Raph charged over with a furious "HEY!", bearing enough common sense to refuse them for Mikey.

It was one thing for them to video him from afar. It's another to get a photo up close and personal that could be pasted on the internet where humans could question the legitimacy of the 'costumes'.

Thankfully, that safety measure Mikey seemed to understand.

Then a squealing fan grabbed Mikey's leg and Leo watched her get thrown across the crowd. By Raph. A bunch of her friends caught her. No one else seemed to notice. He could tell by the way that worry melted into a broad grin that their hothead picked up on the lack of reaction too. He was emboldened by it, sizing up to a pretty big guy who was insistent that his son deserved a selfie.

Mikey was having the time of his life. Raph was too, green eyes tinted with a hint of malice, so Leo left them alone.

He slipped out of the way of the crowd that wouldn't stop pressing in, eyeing the piece of hovershell that was still blasting music, darting around the crowd with money bags. The people were dropping money into it, busting out their own moves as it passed by.

This dimension was weird. But maybe it wasn't all bad.

His alternate had been right. Even in broad daylight with a poorly made robe and blaster, no one was giving the mutant turtle a second look. Somehow, magically, they managed to fit right in.

He decided to go find his counterparts.

He hadn't been very... Accepting of the idea when they first presented it. And he hadn't been very kind with his dismissal. He didn't care what they did with their own time, but he really hadn't thought they were taking his brothers' safety seriously. He owed them an apology.

He spots Michael photo-bombing a group photo and catches him as he cartwheels by. "Michael!"

He turns and grins, "Hey, Leo! Having fun?"

"Yeah," He admits. "Actually, I wanted to-"

Leo hits his carapace, baffled to look up and see Leon standing over him. "Sorry! Just need to borrow you."

"Um." Leo feels the weird shift of his body passing through a portal and then the coarse concrete under him. He blinks the blue spots from his eyes. "Why?"

"Oh good!" Don says for him. "Someone else can talk sense into this mess. Leo, Michael, I don't care. Someone. Anyone but me."

Leo sits up when Leon stops crushing his lungs.

Donnie is standing next to the frustrated Don and Leo realizes that he completely forgot about him when he wandered off. He brushes the thought away, grateful that he made his way to the alternates, scanning the both of them to get a read before he interacts.

Don is as hard to read as ever, but his monotone seems more annoyed, possibly by whatever conversation they'd been having.

Donnie's arms are crossed tightly and face is pinched in defiance. Leo can recognize the look in his eyes. He's locked down on something and nothing that anyone says is going to convince him to let up. It's going to have to play out or a tantrum is incoming.

The Sensei does not want to deal with this right now, but he also can't leave their alternates to handle it.

There's no sign of any injury or imminent threats so Leo lets the sigh enter his voice. "Donnie, what's going on?"

"We have to go home." Donnie says, rapid. "I told them. I told them, Leo, but no one is listening. They’re acting like it’s a big deal when it’s not a big deal- I JUST want to go back! I’m not scared!"

Leo reaches out, "Donnie, I know it's weird-"

Donnie steps back. "NO! I'm supposed to tell you and now I've told you so now we can go home! We have to go home!"

"Some human bumped into him and he's been like this ever since." Don grumbles. "Just keeps saying that he needs to go home. I keep telling him that no one's in danger-"

"That's not the POINT!" Donnie fires back furiously. "I TOLD you and you're NOT LISTENING!"

"I'm not listening?!" Don puts a hand on his chest. "Buster, my arguments have been sound! You're the one who's stuck in the wrong side of his brain!"

"I'm not. I'm not." Donnie counters, looking at his older brother. "He hit me and he looked at me and there are so many."

"You knew how many would be here. And they're all friendly!" Leon offers brightly, "Tell him, Leo. We're all friends here, right?"

"Just let him go home." Leo says instead because there's never been any hope in fighting him when he gets that look in his eyes. It's a losing battle that they gave up on years ago. "Trust me, it’s not worth the energy.”

"He won't go unless someone goes with him." Don juts his chin. "And I can't leave my adoring fans."

"I'm not supposed too!"

"You literally run around this city alone all the time!"

"I'm not SUPPOSED TO!"

"He's right." Leo cuts in. "It's a rule Splinter made for when he gets like this outside the lair. I think he- ran off at one point and got lost? Or something? Anyway,” Leo looks to his brother as he wrings his hands and scans his face. Reluctantly, Leo consents, "I'll go to the lair with you, Donnie. Let's just let Raph and Mikey have their fun, okay?"

Donnie nods, moving toward him, but they're intersected.

"Hold on." Michael proclaims as he pushes Leo back and rolls up his sleeves, only for them to fall down again. "What's all this about going home? No one needs to go home. It's fine. We're chill."

"We have to go." Donnie argues because his one-track mind is impossibly dense. "There are humans here."

"Humans that love you guys!" Michael beams. "You fit right in!"

"We don't. We can't." He rambles. "You don't understand- I need the dojo. I can't be here. I-I can't-"

"Why not?" Leon interjects. "What's got your tail in knots?"

"I don't KNOW!" He snaps. "Just let us GO HOME! JUST LET US GO HOME! WHY CAN'T WE JUST GO HOME WE NEED TO GO-"

Leo wishes the floor would swallow him. This is exactly what he was afraid of. Donnie screaming his head off in broad daylight. Now humans were looking their way. He had to fix this.

"Seriously, guys, it would be easier-"

Michael cuts in. "I got this."

Leo hesitates, "I don't think-"

"Dude, chill." Michael waves in his face. "Let me work."

Leo could argue, but he doesn't. This Mikey was some kind of self-taught therapist. Right?

Everyone seemed to trust him. He was always insisting that he knew exactly how to handle things. And he'd been spending plenty of time evaluating Raph. He had to know what he was talking about.

Leo can hardly ever get Donnie to listen. Much less calm down when his temper snaps. They've been right about a lot of things so far.

Maybe Michael could succeed where their family had failed.

Michael walks up to Donnie. Smiles. Inhales slowly-

"BOI, YOU'RE KILLING THE MOOD! QUIT!"

Donnie jerks back like he'd been slapped. Utterly silent.

"Huh." Don says without looking up from his phone. "Dr Delicate Touch actually does have his uses."

"You know it." Michael winks at Leo. He stares at him like he'd lost his mind and then at his little brother, who's attempting to regain his voice. It falters as he tries, "I was only-"

Mikey stands on his toes to poke his forehead. "No."

"We have to-"

A rougher poke. "Nope."

"I'm sup-"

Rapid pokes. "Man, you’re not supposed to go nowhere. The party is right here! Give it a shot! You'll have fun, doctor's guarantee!"

Donnie shakes his head, voice cracking, "I can't."

"You can." Michael soothes with a comforting pat on his arm. His entire demeanor changes, soft and open. "I know this is different for you, but it'll be okay. Just one step at a time. That's how we do it. A little immersion therapy never hurt no one."

Leo watches the battle in his gaze, between the need to keep begging and the urge to bolt. Leo can’t understand how one brain can be so stubborn, but he knows that he's terrified to go back out and for one reason or another, they're actually going to make him.

"I can't." He blurts, "I know it's different and it's stupid- I have to go. I have to. I can't be here."

"You don't have to be here for long." Michael soothes. "Just a little bit. Fight the compulsion just a little. And then you go home."

"I can't." Donnie tries to remove him grip. Michael tightens it, smiling, "Trust me, bro. This is what you're supposed to do. Two minutes. Max. Then you go home like you're supposed to!"

"I'm... I'm supposed-" He looks his way, taller than them all yet somehow very small. "Leo?"

"Guys," Leo is startled when Don slides in his path. He gives him a dismissive stare. "Let the doctor work."

"One step at a time." Michael tugs him forward. "You can do it."

"You got this!" Leon grins as he moves behind him.

Don puts his phone away, "Finally."

Then Leon shoves and Michael pulls and Leo watches terror spark in his younger brother's eyes as he's forced toward the crowd-

Leon goes flying. A firm green hand wraps around the sheath and drags his brother back. Michael almost falls forward, flailing and giving him an incredulous look.

Leo's eyes are narrowed, fury bubbling in his chest as his younger brother cowers against him, and states, "He said no."

"C'mon, man, we pushed you out of your comfort zone and you were having a good time!" Leon proclaims as he gets to his feet. "Donnie will too! You gotta trust us."

"I trust him." Leo says firmly. "And if he doesn't want to go out, then I'm not going to force him."

“He wanted to come here.” Leon reminds. “He knew what’s up. He doesn’t really want to go now, do you, Donnie?”

"I don't know." His younger brother leans against him, nails digging into skin. "I don't know. I don’t know! I'm supposed- I-! i don't know what I'm supposed to do! I don't know I don't know I DON'T KNOW-"

"Hey," Leo says firmly. "You told someone. Just like Sensei said. Like you're supposed to." He glares at their alternates momentarily then looks to his lost little brother. "What do you want?"

"The dojo." He says, blood seeping between his nails. Leo carefully pries his hand from his arm, nodding as he leads it to gripping the leather strap instead. "But I can't. I can't!"

"Donnie-"

Donnie shakes his head, quick, "They said I can’t go home. I don’t understand. I can’t be here. I can’t go home. I can't! Where can I go? I can't be here and I can't be there so where can I-"

“We’re going home, to the dojo.” Leo interrupts carefully. “And we’re going to meditate. And then we’re going to be put all your thoughts down on paper so you know why your upset.”

“Like an essay.” Donnie recites breathlessly. “A research paper.”

“Just like always.” Leo presses. Donnie scans his face, some of the fear flecking away at the promise of normalcy. “Yeah.”

“Always?” Michael cuts in, urgent. “You don’t ever mix it up a little?”

Not since he was seven, Leo thinks. Outloud, he demands, “Why are you still here? We’re not going back out there so buzz off.”

“Hey, you can’t-” Michael holds up a hand to quiet Don. His eyes linger on Donnie’s arm. “Okay, so staying is too far, too freaky, I get it. He wants to run so you let him run. Coolio. What if instead of running to your lair, he goes to ours? Hmm? It’s connected. So basically right next door! Lil’ different, lil’ familiar, tots safe. He can go anywhere he wants to chill out. Do his sciency paper stuff.”

“No.” Donnie shakes his head through every word. “I can’t. We can’t. Why are you doing this?”

“We’re trying to help-” Michael’s voice is soft, but Leo can still hear the cruelty that led him to tell his frightened brother to shut up.

“Don’t.” He interjects with vile. All eyes go to him as he narrows his. “Leave him alone.”

Leon scoffs, “That Sensei garbage doesn’t work on-”

“He wants to go home.” Leo’s voice rises. “I’m taking him home.”

Frustration spark in Michael’s gaze. “Not a good idea.”

“I wasn’t asking your opinion.”

"You are ruining our session." He accuses with crossed arms. "You clearly don’t know what you’re doing!"

"We did what you wanted and he didn't like it." Leo waves at their surroundings. "And you know what? I think your egos should know that I'm not here because of you. I'm here because of them. And if one of them doesn't want to be here then I don't either."

“You’re feeding the compulsion.” Michael argues. “Every time he gives in is another reason not to fight any of the others.”

“If you had any idea of what you’re talking about, you wouldn’t be doing this.” Leo feels Donnie’s bruise-tight hold and the way his weight shifts to lead him backward. “The only reason that he’s like this is because of you.”

“It’s because you never stop him! That’s why he’s doesn’t know how to stop! Just look at how things turned out with April!”

“April is his best friend.”

Leo shakes his head, looking at his brother.

Donnie looks back at him, scanning his face. He likely doesn't know how pathetic the puppy-eyed stare is, but it’s a obvious sign that he wants the conversation to be over. Leo hardens his resolve.

“This is idiotic. We’re going home.”

They turn to go, but a glowing chain catches Leo’s wrist before he can take a step. “Don’t do that!”

Leo grabs the chain and whips him forward, grabbing the scuff of his hoodie as the ninpo flickers in startled eyes. “You’re not a therapist. You don’t know what you’re talking about. And if you ever raise your voice at my brother again…”

He leaves it there. No one moves.

Donnie tugs Leo’s arm. “We have to go.”

Leo drops him, leveling a dark glare as he steps away from their alternates, purple and blue lighting the alleyway. Then he turns as Donnie releases his grip and mutters, “Sorry. Let’s go.”

Anxious to return to the lair, Donnie doesn’t look back.

Pointedly, Leo doesn’t either.

[librarycards]

hey there cav. this is sort of a fraught question but. how do I engage with psychiatry when I'm antipsych? I need treatment but I have so much distrust and I feel like it's all bullshit. I don't really have a support system and there's few peer support resources in my area. I can't do this myself but I cant trust this system. soooo... tips for finding therapists that don't suck & getting the most of it? really appreciate your blog and posts, thanks

thank you for entrusting this message to me, I appreciate it! I have answered questions like this a few times before (they're buried somewhere, if you can't find them in my "ask" tag, lmk and i'll try to dig them up!). it's definitely fraught inasmuch as we're never (as people who hate psych but need specific, urgent support that communities aren't by default set up to provide) going to get an answer that we 100% want, but also very not-fraught inasmuch as most of us agree that surviving in this sea of partiality is something we can do together, with love and nonjudgement.

so, for context: i was in therapy - first behaviorist OT as a toddler and elementary school child, and, beginning at 7, talk therapy - nonconsensually basically from the time I could remember until adulthood. i likely would never have tried it again, except for the small hiccup of needing letters for Transing Genders. so, this was when i first sought out "trans affirming care," as it were, and i didn't expect much. i went to my college's health center and got a list of possible providers, and ended up getting an excellent PCP, as well as a therapist who was a genuine cis accomplice: she wrote letters for Mad/psych disabled clients whose genders wouldn't typically qualify us for surgery/hormones in the eyes of the M/PsyIC. i did not share with her the things i "ought" to have shared, but she knew I had survived abusive therapy / forced institutionalization, and accepted that, and accepted my cynicism along with it. i was also first genuinely understanding foucault at this time, so rest assured i was quite a little shit (affectionate).

when she left to practice elsewhere, i went to a therapist at the same practice she recommended. she was fine, but not what i needed. by this time, I'd gotten the requisite procedures, so my therapy attendance wasn't required. i basically just ghosted this new therapist around the time covid hit.

when i came to grad school, i initially wasn't looking for therapy, though i had idly considered something for OCD, which I was (and am) managing in part through medication. after getting outright rejected for, essentially, being too crazy for normie OCD therapy, i directed my search specifically for Mad/abolitionist providers. i began by going through some of the archives of places like the National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network, and some people who have posted guest articles on Mad in America / The Fireweed Collective -- many are providers seeking to disrupt/abolish the system. That provided some leads, though no openings (there are very few of them, and they are, understandably, in high demand).

I then turned to my community connections: over the years, I've amassed a large number of Mad colleagues in various fields. Many are a half-step from radical/antipsych circles, so I asked them. This time, I asked specifically about a possible therapist who was interested in critiques of "eating disorders" as a category, who had an abolitionist, harm-reductionist, and anti-"health" approach to care, and who, accordingly, refused to cooperate with institutions of psychiatric confinement. I was directed to a list of people, of whom my current and beloved therapist / colleague / comrade was the first to respond.

my trajectory with her has been a steady building of trust through a shared ebbing and flowing of closeness, frustration, enlightenment, and curiosity. it has been close to a year and a half now, and we only began speaking frankly about more "dangerous"/"risky" topics a few months ago. early in our relationship, i did a great deal of boundary-testing, and reacted with anger and shutdown the first time she asked a question that proved risky/activating for me. my biggest recommendation when engaging with ANY provider is to ask them explicitly, repeatedly, and critically about their relationships with your own risk/harm level, their ongoing history wrt patient institutionalization / "referrals" to "higher levels of care". take note about the way they reference past patient situations, as well as their own past experience. take note of how they respond when you choose not to provide the information they seek.

also take note of what info they're willing to provide upfront, including at a consult: what methodologies do they work with, what was their training, how do they feel about said training? what are their politics? ask whoever recommended them to you, too. look at reviews. this is obvious -- what might not be is looking up their work on google scholar. who do they cite? what do they advocate, who do they associate themself with?

i think that it's also a good idea to ask them explicitly about their experience in other/"higher" levels of care - most therapists have done some kind of rotation during their education, often in a hospital, group home, halfway house, similar. if you have ever been institutionalized, you may have even spotted / been abused by some! observe how they discuss these experiences. take note.

if and when you've established this person as someone you want to continue working with, trust notwithstanding, think personally about what you are actually looking for. they will ask you about your goals, surely, but it's a good idea first to think about your own personal goals outside of the verbalized relationship between you two. do you need a confidante, and of what kind? what sort of accountability do you need, and what are you willing to try to figure that out? *what are you paying this person for that you feel others cannot or will not do*? what part of this person's expertise can be of use to you, and for how long?

i think one interesting approach to therapy is to regard the provider as a teacher - they're there to share knowledge with you, and you're free to accept or reject it. they have some kind of training/experience you don't have, and you seek them out because you think it may be of use in your own life, and perhaps even to redistribute that knowledge if and when you gain it. at the same time, you also have knowledge to share with them - not to be extracted, but to be incorporated in their own work and practice. the biggest insight on the practice of good therapy i've gleaned is that, ideally, you're both teaching and learning forever. this is true of all good relationships. there is an exchange of knowledge based on shared trust - values - priorities. once you are in a space where you know that this person shares your general relational orientation (aka, doesn't want to institutionalize, etc. you and people like you) it's possible to begin sharing knowledge in a way that benefits from this imposed structure. the benefit, imo, is that it's okay that you "monopolize" the convo and direct the knowledge-production toward your needs, because that's the service you're paying for!

i guess, to close, i'll return to the classic Mad Pride framing of us as "psych users/consumers." this isn't the perfect term, but i think it's enlightening, as we can and should be able to seek out services that work for us. just like i go to a person who knows wtf they're doing when, say, i need my nails done or my car fixed, so too do i go to an expert interlocutor when i am interested in developing my self-/relational knowledge and/or am seeking support in times of emotional tumult. this doesn't confer them a status as superior to me, just like someone isn't superior to someone else by being a nail tech or mechanic. it simply means that we are entering into a relationship where my needs and their expertise meet. seek a therapist who understands this, and understands themself as someone who can learn from you, too. this approach to therapy, and to care, mean that you can't just throw someone away or lock them up when they say things you don't like. it means that, even in those moments, there is something to be learned, and that the relationship will grow in that process of edification.

[normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke]

I (embarrassed) admitted to my therapist when she asked that my coping mechanism for not spiraling into a mental health crisis every time I'm not actively distracted is to pretend I'm giving a tutorial or narrating a a video on the tasks I'm doing. I expected to get a kind of polite but confused in a negative way response, but she informed me that this is an actual recommended coping strategy for OCD. Walking through what you're doing allows you to get out of your head about a problem without ignoring it completely. And that's exactly what it helped me do, although I didn't realize it at the time. I said to myself things like "I like routines because of my autism so when I'm feeling out of control I do a little routine to help me feel more in control", but if someone had asked me why I do self care routines when I'm stressed, I wouldn't be able to tell them. Basically when you're explaining a situation you're in as if you're describing it to someone else, you can accidentally explain it to yourself.

A silly coping mechanism that helps you and doesn't hurt anyone else isn't actually silly, even if it feels like that. I sometimes hide my coping mechanisms because I'm afraid people are going to poke holes in them or even say they're flat out unhealthy, but talking to someone you trust about them can actually help you gain insight.

[self-loving-vampire]

I don't really want to reblog your post saying this because I feel like that could be annoying but I've gotten a lot into gacha games (specifically Bang Dream, Project Sekai, D4DJ, Blue Archive, and now Zenless Zone Zero, in that order) as a 25 year old plural trans failgirl and despite enjoying them I know they are bad for me and it is my policy to not recommend them

and basically every time I find myself posting gushing over their stories or whatever I feel the need to asterisk myself with "this is a gacha game so I'm not really recommending you check it out". And like, I don't know, I feel like I should say it and it's necessary but it also feels a little tedious I guess. Like, everyone who I follow and who follows me knows this already so aah. But also then again I thought I already knew that the psychological manipulation and gambling was bad and etc and I still ended up getting super OCD over it and losing a lot of time and money to them and I would not wish this condition on anyone else. Which I guess is a more than good enough reason to continue the asterisking even if it's tedious in the same way it's tedious to say "content warning" or "spoilers for _____" or tag anything bothersome so people can filter it and sometimes you might forget to but you gotta do it anyway.

Anyway I uh. I do have like fifteen years of game playing experience prior to the gacha games where I played no gacha games. So if that counts for anything my favorite games of all time (and these are all non gacha singleplayer games) range from like,

Psychonauts (1 and 2), Milk Inside a Bag of Milk, Subahibi, killer7, Night in the Woods, VA-11 HALL-A, Tsui Yuri ~Okaa-san ni wa Naisho da yo~ (the incest yuri visual novel), Shadow the Hedgehog, if found..., Kindred Spirits on the Roof, Dishonored, Gunpoint, Jet Set Radio Future, and most importantly Senran Kagura (but not the gacha one), and many others but I'll just stop typing them now

Also I recently played the System Shock remake, which is kino and beautiful

Anyway I hope this confession is allowed. I really like your posts and your ask box has a very confessional vibe to me sometimes so I still feel compelled to it. Um, yeah. I guess, play those games. And not necessarily any gacha games. (Do that at your own risk, but also probably, really, seriously don't)

I've been trying to write a more formal essay on how gacha games can have good things in them but unfortunately still suck but ironically it hasn't yet come together because I've been distracted playing the gacha games. Hopefully I figure out that problem... Maybe with drugs or something (please)

Yeah, I don't think they are entirely bad (I still look at and reblog horny pictures from some of them often) but I wouldn't play one of those again even with full confidence that I won't fall into a gambling addiction because even putting morality and financial risk aside the very fact that they are trying to push players into it ends up worsening the rest of the game design.

Games these days (not even exclusively gacha) are sometimes deliberately made more tedious and inconvenient just for the sake of selling a solution to these invented problems. Paying to remove some arbitrary limitation or to skip a grind, for example.

The controversy around the new Star Wars Battlefront 2 contrasted with the original game highlights this very clearly. Things that used to just be a part of the game included by default are now things you have to either gamble for or play for an unreasonable amount of time to unlock. It really did not have to be that way, as demonstrated by the original game.

I think if you have been playing them and noticed all the issues it might be worth it to ask yourself if you're actually enjoying yourself on the net. Not just if the games have something in them that's worthwhile but if they are actually a fun way to pass your time. Is it play, or is it a chore you put up with to avoid falling behind or missing out on the things you do like? Would you be missing on much if you engaged with the story through youtube videos instead of playing the game yourself?

And if you do end up deciding you could be having more fun with something else, it's not like there's a shortage of other games, especially if you look into older games. Many of these are free or easy to emulate.

Looking at your list I think we have different tastes but if you enjoyed things like System Shock and Dishonored then you could maybe look into the first Deus Ex, Dark Messiah of Might and Magic, or Arx Fatalis.

(Also this is a confessional now? I guess it gives people an excuse to picture me dressed up as one of those ero anime nuns even as I maximize blasphemy and apostasy.)

[sparklykat-hideoutenthusiast]

hello, i got your ask <3 i think it's lovely you reached out to me. i didn't want to expose your identity in case you didn't want it out there, so i decided to just send you an ask instead (i hope that's ok).

obviously i can't give you a diagnosis. but it is fair to say you struggle a lot with scrupolosity in general, so it is not a far stretch to consider you might have scrupolosity OCD. i definitely recommend looking into it more, researching, and consulting a professional... because even if it's not OCD, it is still clearly unhealthy. :( it is absolutely exhausting to live with those thoughts and let me tell you, not normal! i had a hard time coming to terms with that as well. i hope you are doing okay and that you are getting the help and support you deserve. <3

have a good day!!!

Thank you so much for reaching out to me <3

I may look more into it in the future but I probably won't get an actual diagnosis until years in the future because I've actually never been to a doctor before unless it was my birth or visiting someone else. ^^

While my obsession with what was morally right and wrong did affect me in horrible ways, having helped sink me into depression at some point, it also shaped who I am today!

I don't think I would be nearly as nice as I am now if I didn't spend all that time berating myself when I didn't do something right, though- I know now that it's unhealthy so I won't be allowing it to control my life like in the past. I've gotten so much better at pushing the thoughts aside after a good friend of mine helped pull me out of depression and afterwards, I realized I couldn't fix everything or everyone. Including the people I love.

I had to force myself to realize that my mom not changing wasn't because she didn't hold enough love in her heart for me to do so for me, she was just a human who makes mistakes and does things that aren't quite right, just like all the rest of us.

Overall though, I'm doing well despite everything that happened in my life and on the path to improvement so I wouldn't worry too much for a diagnosis quite yet<3

Thank you for checking up on me and I'm sorry for the rant <3

[ts1depot]

PSA: The Sims Depot Worlds are Not Bugged or Unusable (Google, Are You Listening?)

If you've ever played any of my worlds, you might've guessed that I'm super OCD about everything, taking my time to test, retest, tweak and retweak to make sure that everything is running well. In this post, you're going to learn why.

All it takes is one issue--or perceived problem--that initiates a chain of events online that threatens to sink your hard work, which is why I've done everything in my power to cross every t and dot every i. But sometimes that's not enough, and you still get nailed somehow.

Take this past week, for instance. I received a terse message at my website about my worlds having a bug, telling me to "fix them." I started to look into the issue but had to delete the message from my site, because it was claiming that all of my worlds had a fatal bug that made them unusable. I don't mind when people inform me about an issue, but this person was making a point of publicly posting on my site that all my worlds were so bugged as to be unplayable.

As it turned out, there was nothing like he said happening with any of my worlds. This person confused a game mechanic for a bug.

While all this was happening, I learned that this person had run to Reddit to make a post specifically mentioning me and Riverside by name and making a point of also telling people to not recommend any of my other worlds because according to this Redditor, they were all suffering from this imagined bug. Normally, I wouldn't have cared about someone doing something like this; the problem is that Reddit is one of the most heavily indexed and prominent websites on Google, so now whenever someone Googles "The Sims Depot + worlds", this person's Reddit post appears as the second listing underneath my own website. To make matters worse, this person's post is listed twice.

People who do this kind of stuff have no idea the problems they cause for people like me. Unlike other creators, I never hosted my worlds at a third party platform because when you do that, you're providing free content for that platform to monetize for its benefit. That's especially true when you post stuff at Mod the Sims or a file sharing site like Drop Box or Google Drive. There's this misconception that they're giving you a free space to host and share your stuff out of the kindness of their hearts, but they make money off your content. It's why they can afford to give away something to you for free.

Since I self-host my own content, I've paid well over $1K in hosting and registration fees over the lifetime of The Sims Depot (at some point, $240 a year for several years before I moved the site). I've never made a dime--it took me four years to finally make the $100 threshold from Google Adsense, which was a fraction of what I had paid out that same time. I used to be part of the YouTube Partner Program but then YouTube dropped me when it radically changed its requirements and threshold years ago. Nevertheless, for all the expense and hard work, I still maintain the site because I'd rather spend money to distribute my content rather than enrich another platform.

In light of all this, maybe you can see my dilemma. Reddit has so much authority these days that anyone who comes across that post is inclined to think that what they said is true, undermining all the blood, sweat and tears I put into my website and worlds after all these years.

Because of this issue, I'm posting this entry so that it gets picked up by Google. To emphasize:

There is no "job bug" affecting worlds at The Sims Depot

All of the worlds I have so far are Late Night worlds. Because of this many jobs will start at 1PM. The exceptions are Education, Military, Cooking and Ambitions/Showtime professions.

Lastly--think before you post publicly

It costs you nothing to be mildly inconvenienced, frustrated or annoyed by something that you've downloaded. It costs the creator everything when you jump the gun and go on a social media tear, so don't do it.

[nintickleswitch]

I would say this is a callout post, but realistically - this isn't about "cancelling" anyone or hurting their reputations. This is a warning post about users in the tickle community who are going above and beyond to defend their continued interactions with minors about their fetish. Details under readmore.

mammillariatasay is a 22 year old who has a blog dedicated to tickling, identifies with lee/ler/switch language, and defends minors interacting with her. she also effectively denies being an adult despite her age.

quote below:

I recommend blocking and avoiding this person, because she clearly does not understand or refuses to acknowledge her position as an adult in a kink community.

switch-witch-erin is a 25 year old teacher who defends herself as a 'minor friendly' blog in the community.

quotes below:

she has also been extremely ableist in the course of this discussion! making assumptions about my friend's trauma and degrading schizophrenics all in one ask answer.

she believes it is insane to advocate for adults in a kink community not to talk to children. additionally - and I will not post the full ask for the sake of not triggering people for no reason, but she has posted an ask where the anonymous asker talks about tickling their 4 year old cousin and her "happy little leg kicks". in the context of defending tickling as not a kink for them. that is the behavior she's facilitating.

if you are a minor reading this - just take this under advisement, and block me afterwards - and preferably, block the people I am talking about for your own safety. I am an NSFW blog, I don't want you engaging with the content I share. But even if I did post exclusively SFW fluffy tickles, I wouldn't talk to minors about it, or permit minors to engage with me about it, because tickling is an intimate activity. As an adult, I have a responsibility not to talk about my preferences or indulgences in an intimate activity with a minor, regardless of whether there is anything explicit going on. I'll put it this way: Grooming often starts with hugging.

If you are an adult - and you agree with the idea that there is such a thing as a "safe" adult in the community - literally just scroll through these people's blogs. Look at what I posted. They consider themselves safe adults, while they deny their own adult responsibilities and facilitate spaces for possible actual groomers in their askboxes. This is part of the reason why there is no such thing as a safe adult in the tickle community - anyone can call themselves that.

If you are an adult and don't want minors in the tickle community period, especially minor-adult interactions, for the sake of their own safety - feel free to share this and block these people. No obligation, because engaging with this at all has triggered my OCD horribly, but I felt it was important to point out how dangerous facilitating the "SFW safe space" mentality can be.

Either way, thank you for reading.

[wanderingmind867]

I wouldn't say I'm OCD (in fact, i'm pretty sure i'm not), but I do sometimes have compulsions. That might sound like a non-sequitur, but this is building to a discussion about my christmas list. I want to think of at least one more item for my list. Probably a video game or something. So I'm asking for recommendations one more time, to see if asking people works as a better solution than merely googling it and getting caught in a loop of indecision. That's something I've sadly done many times before.

So i'll just say my criteria one more time: I don't want anything scary, I want something hopefully easy and lighthearted, and I want something I can play on my nintendo switch. I may post this once now and once tomorrow, just to try and see if i can get any ideas to finally wrap up my Christmas List. Because the end of the list means the end of worrying about stuff for Christmas. And if anyone's interested, I'll even share my Christmas list. No harm could come from it, I don't think...

[mercurial-space-case]

hey you mentioned in the tags of a post that stopping doing compulsions isn't the only recovery option for ocd, could you elaborate on that?

Absolutely! Caveat that I'm just one person, and while my therapist did approve this it's not really something I've heard talked about outside of my experience. I am not a therapist, following this advice could potentially be dangerous, I recommend trying the usual method first.

Under a cut for my comfort. Warnings for coping with intrusive thoughts/delusions without reality checking, magical thinking, etc.

This will not solve the problem of having intrusive thoughts; this is about accepting they're a part of your life and coping with it.

I tried the typical method of breaking them, and sometimes it works! Not usually, but it's worth trying for specific compulsions that are harmful or dangerous. The problem for me is that it doesn't change the way your brain works. I still had the thoughts that the compulsions were helping, but without any way to keep them under control or any way to cope with them. I, without fail, developed different compulsions to cope with them.

The typical therapy approach recommends I just keep doing it! Again, I'm sure that works for some people. It wasn't worth it for me. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I was inconsolable and all I could think about was all the terrible things I knew were going to happen because I didn't follow through.

I have 2 things that have helped me. Spirituality and understanding my brain.

Spirituality for me is very different from what I've heard most people describe. Magical thinking is a core component of OCD, and religion can make it worse, or be its focus in the example of religious OCD. If thats part of yours this one probably won't work. For me, though, I lean into the magical thinking. I trust that the universe wouldn't put more on my shoulders than I can handle, and other people with rituals will pick up any of my slack. I still do the things that help, because I genuinely believe they prevent the things I'm worried about, but when I can't (I'm in a rush, I'm in too much pain, they would hurt me or someone else,) I put my faith in something greater to make up for it. For me, I believe when I get random spikes in rituals when I'm not in a rushed or stressful situation, I'm picking up someone else's load, and this brings me a lot of comfort.

The above method, I imagine, could be very dangerous if you have severe schizotypal symptoms or are not good at double booking. I'm very good at double booking, which is part of why this works for me. It doesn't really treat the root problem, but it prevents the spirals caused by being unable to fulfill a compulsion.

I haven't had any success with this one (partially because of the spirituality coping mechanism!) but if you have a way of making a new compulsion manually, do a reset one. It will save you so much pain and suffering trying to do something just right when, inevitably, you are human and don't do it perfectly. Just reset and try again. (ex. I have a compulsion of counting my steps in 3s, but with so much going on in my head I miscount sometimes. A reset might look like "stop, tap your toes together 3 times, continue" and then start over your counting. It should be something easy you can do almost always.)

2nd is something I learned in ADHD coping mechanisms! Understand your brain and work with it. When are your compulsions worst? Typically the answer is in stressful situations, as well as places or times or around items/people that trigger them. Why do they happen? They're a coping mechanism! Get other coping mechanisms, avoid the things that trigger spirals when you can, bring comfort objects with you (I highly recommend having an accessory, a very light jacket, and a winter jacket for this if possible) that calm you down. Bonus points if you can assign protective qualities to them, or compulsions! (ex. I am safe when I wear my jacket (DISTINCTLY *NOT* I AM UNSAFE WITHOUT IT), my jacket keeps me safe from intrusive thoughts, my jacket makes up for it when I can't do compulsions)

I'm gonna say this again so it really hits home, this is what I've tried and has worked for me. You've asked me to share and I am, but if you have access to a therapist I highly recommend getting it approved by them first because I don't know how these methods might interact with the way you work. Please please please be careful.

[nemoonland]

Late as hell but I'm finally reading Turtles All The Way Down by John Green and it's really helping me understand how OCD really works. It's so much different than what we're used to seeing on social media. It's not just about perfection or organization or lining up your pens, it's way more than that.

That and what intrusive thoughts really are. Impulsive and intrusive thoughts are two completely different things and we should be able to set them both apart.

I probably wouldn't have picked up the book if it wasn't for the movie and a friend of mine that recommended it, but I'm glad that I did. Better late than never I guess.

On another note, I don't know if anyone really cares about my rants or opinions on here, but I'll keep posting thoughts on what I'm reading or watching. The goal is to meet people who enjoy the same things as me, so fingers crossed! Don't mind the tremendous amount of tags too, I'm just hoping that this reaches the right audience (cool people).

[ocdamaged]

Worries that do not come with compulsions can still be obsessive or make OCD harder to deal with

Hey, so this is something that I really just realized today. So, I've told you in a previous post that I am gay (used to have HOCD as a theme when I was 12 and then again a couple years back the other way around, doubting whether I really did like girls or not). I'd come out to my mom and my cousin before and I've been talking to girls online but what was really hard for me (although it shouldn't have been) was coming out to my dad. The reason I say it shouldn't have been hard is not because he's homophobic or anything (thank god). He's actually told me a couple times before (maybe he had a hunch, now that I think about it) that it wouldn't matter to him, that it's just as normal as being straight and he'd still love me just as much as he did before. I do get to be nervous about it, I'm not saying I (or anyone else for that matter) don't. It was a really big and important thing for me. Obviously you'd be nervous about that. Which did not just weigh down on my mood but also on my OCD.

Like I mentioned in the title, a worry that doesn't come with compulsions can still be obsessive. It's called pure O and it comes with mental compulsions. Mental compulsions meaning rumination, thinking about the theme over and over again, always asking yourself the same questions and so on. Thoughts that you just can't let go of and that basically torture you the same way a physical compulsion would, are just as much OCD as closing and opening a door 25 times is. I'm still figuring out myself how to deal with these. Now, I've listened to enough Ali Greymond videos on youtube (can really recommend her) to know what I'm supposed to be doing. Just tell the thought, 'yeah, maybe, maybe not' and leave it at that. It's hard. Harder even sometimes, than just not doing a physical compulsion. Cause with a physical compulsion, like opening and closing a door again and again, I can walk away from the door (to people without OCD, it's not that easy, I'm just trying to describe the difference for me). I can go into another room and not accidentally walk back to the door again. Walking back to the door would be my decision. A decision to do what OCD wants, a decision that feels more like I'm being forced, but nonetheless a decision. At least that's how it feels for me. With thoughts, I usually can't just decide not to think about it anymore (pink elephants ring a bell?). My brain will slip back to the obsessive thought in no time and I'll only realize it like 20 minutes later when I've already ruminated myself into another migraine. Now what I mean by worries can make it harder to deal with OCD is a bit different. Worries don't always have to be compulsive. Usually when I was thinking about coming out to my dad, I could just tell myself 'Oh, I'll tell him when I'm ready' and that was that. It was fairly easy for me to distract myself from the thought. It did sit in the back of my mind and maybe here one could argue that it's still an obsessive thought if it's still there. But in the last couple days, I'd been thinking about my sexuality and what that meant for the relationship I have with my parents again. Again, it wasn't in an obsessive way (I was obsessing over completely different things (magical thinking in case you haven't read my previous post)). But it did kind of set a low mood for the following days. I don't know what came over me this morning, but I am so glad it did. My dad actually laughed a bit and asked if that was the reason I'd been so glum lately. I hadn't actually noticed until he mentioned it, but yes, that had absolutely been the reason. And when I thought about it a bit more, it has also impacted my OCD quite a bit. I was doing pretty good until last week. Which was the same time I started worrying about coming out again. Maybe that means it was an obsession, maybe it doesn't (see what I did there?). But since this morning I'm definitely in a better mood (which, to be fair, might just be the euphoria from finally telling him) and I've been doing better again when it comes to my OCDemon. Yes, this might just be me being happy right now, but we all know that stuff like this can impact you in many ways. And hey, I'll take it anyways, even if it's just a short break. I hope this makes at least some kind of sense XD It kinda did to me, although I don't think I'm the best when it comes to writing things down. Anyways, I hope you're surrounded by people as awesome as the ones that I have in my life. And I hope you can do the work (ERP) and not do the thing OCD wants you to do. Or do the thing it doesn't want you to do. With love, Sessa

[juniperkinglet]

📕Who is your all-time favorite author, and what makes their writing so special to you? 

🔖What quote from a book resonated with you deeply?

ty for asking!! (this got long oop)

Who is your all-time favorite author, and what makes their writing so special to you?

Oooooh it's hard to say... For many of my favorite books, I haven't gotten around to reading more from their authors, or those authors haven't published anything else. I do have a few current contenders though!

First is Lee Mandelo, author of Summer Sons. I entirely credit that book for getting me back into reading after many long years. I genuinely didn't know books like this could be published; books that delve into grief and depression in such a relatable way, into themes like toxic masculinity and classism from a queer & trans perspective, into protagonists who are far from heroes but are still treated as humans worthy of love and second chances. All featuring a lyrical gothic prose in line with the way I process my surroundings. Absolutely blew my mind, and made me feel like I wasn't alone during a very lonely period. And I wouldn't have heard of aftg or made this tumblr without it!

Second is horror writer Poppy Z. Brite (now Billy Martin). I just started reading his work, most of which was written in the 80s and 90s. I got a collection of his short stories that tore my entire heart out of my chest and spat on it (affectionate[??]), and then immediately bought two more of his books lmao. Currently working through Lost Souls. His writing and its themes are deeply disturbing in a visceral way that I wouldn't recommend to most people, and only with the disclaimer of... basically every content warning you can imagine. Not a gentle intro to horror!

I like the way his stories challenge me, even if it's a kind of challenging I can't take very often. I love his prose (more of that lyrical goth shit I adore). And I admire how, in many of those short stories in that first book, I would hope deeply for a happy ending for characters I'd just met, and was never any less shocked and devastated when I didn't get it. That takes skill.

Third is Pia Foxhall, aka not-poignant on tumblr. I had no idea how much their writing would affect me when I first stumbled across it, like... woah. And most of it uploaded completely for free on ao3!! (I did buy one of his romance novels, but since I'm not much of a romance enjoyer, it didn't grip me as much as his other work.)

The first story I read of theirs, and my all-time favorite, was Falling Falling Stars. I read half a million words of it in three days (not recommended) (canceled all weekend plans) (barely ate or slept) (don't regret but would not repeat). It was my first time reading a POV character who also had OCD and debilitating intrusive thoughts, and I can't explain how much that meant to me. Spending all those words with him ended up making me a much kinder person, to others and to myself. I had major shifts in my view of the world and humanity, all for the better, thanks to that story.

is my author type "transmasc dark fiction writer of deeply flawed queer protags that make me rethink my entire outlook on life"?? maybe so!

What quote from a book resonated with you deeply?

this is sooooooo hard there are so many!!! i'll limit myself to two.

"...Steve's even breathing, the breathing of a man at peace with himself and at truce with the world." -- from Angels by Poppy Z. Brite

It may not seem like a super hard-hitting quote, but it was for me. I gasped out loud and just stared at it for a long while before continuing on. That has become my goal in life. The world is a scary place, for everyone and especially minorities, and I struggle with so much bad brain stuff every day. Loving myself and the world is just too lofty of a goal that's always felt impossible for me. But being at peace with myself, and at truce with the world? That's attainable. I could get there, and it would be enough.

and then an aftg banger:

“Your parents are dead, you are not fine, and nothing is going to be okay. This is not news to you. But from now until May you are still Neil Josten and I am still the man who said he would keep you alive.”

So many lines to go crazy over in this series, but this is the one that always gets me. There's something oddly beautiful and comforting about hearing a character straight up say "Everything is awful and you won't get a happy ending, we both know that. But I'm going to protect you for as long as I can anyway."

It just gets me!! Even though Neil did get a happy ending, it certainly never looked like he would. And I love that Andrew stuck with Neil throughout all that, and didn't give him false platitudes or pretend his situation wasn't awful. It was all kinds of awful, and Andrew was someone with whom Neil could be honest about that, when he couldn't be honest about anything else.

[rmonolight]

today was crazy on omegle.

this past week i've been trying on different omegle chat tags – since the kpop and twitter ones weren't working so well anymore – to see if i could find anything more interesting than man asking for my ASL in a row and girls publicizing their only fans.

my first attempts were failed, and i weren't finding anyone at all. however, today i had two new ideas that, surprisingly, took me on a journey i'd never expect to go on.

tw: racism and ped0s

the first tag: fanfic

okay. i know this tag is actually very predictable, and probably common, but i didn't spend much time on it anyway, tbh.

and this, 'cause my first and only chat surpassed my expectations. instead of asking for my gender, the stranger started by questioning me what's my weirdest fantasy. let me say this beginning sounded very appealing to someone who had been a fanfiction connoisseur for the past years.

he (sue me, im supposing it was a men) proceeded to tell me how his fantasy was about a dystopian world in which a human 'race' would rule and be served by the others, as in a systhem that would go on the contrary of our society inequalities. like, as he exemplified, white people (him included) would serve black people. at this point i was like ??? whats up with this boy?

no kink shaming is allowed in front of my salad tho, so i kept the conversation until i think he (probably up for kinky stuff) got tired of my babbling so, haha, he left the chat.

the second, and last tag: communism

i decided to try this on only because i saw someone recommending it on reddit (note: don't trust reddit people at all).

as well as it could start, i found myself talking to a weirdo trying to convert people to minarchism, and saying stuff like "communism is a devil in disguise". quickly got rid of him.

the next guy started introducing himself very nicely: "hello, im a communist ped0". announcing like it was nothing.

at first i was so dumbfounded that i even doubted if he was really a communist. we proceeded to discuss civilly on whether being a ped0 was wrong or not, but he was firm on his self-declared non-offending ped0phile position, and claimed to have studied the topic for the past years.

i even confronted him on why he would start a conversation like that, if not to freak people out, and he confirmed having this exactly purpose.

i ended up noticing i wouldn't be able to convince him that, even if someone doesn't act on their urges, pedophile tendencies are still morally wrong (as i couldn't accept it to be considered anything else than a paraphilia) and demand treatment (as preventative measures for potential predators), in my perspective. so i just gave up on the discussion and said goodbye.

after this, the subject got on my mind. so i searched it and watched some youtube videos. i've heard a criminal psychologist i know talk about how he doesn't consider ped0philia as a disorder before, in one of his lectures i attended. however, i also found videos about it falling into an ocd category in some cases.

in the end, even after recognizing better the idea of people like this not being able to be cured, only tamed, every interview i watched still disgusted me. despite all their courage, right to be integrated or anything people commented below, the thought that man like those might get near children i care about... will always terrifies me, even if they're supposedly inoffensive and in control.

in conclusion

trying different tags has brought me some unexpected experiences. i would like to try others someday, see if i can find any interesting girl to truly bond and then lose each other without exchanging socials.

i got some other omegle stories, like when i met a surfer and the website reloaded just when we started to live our strangers to lovers. or how once omegle started creating random group chats and people were very confused. i swear it was so so funny and messy.

i didn't expect to write so much since i'm supposed to be reading/sleeping rn. i doubt anyone will even read this, but i enjoyed registering today's events.

excuse any typos or inconsistencies, english isn't my first language.

see you all in my next post 😛