#worst thing is i was literally on my way out the door yesterday before i realized it was a holiday and the stores were closed 😐

[pondering-the-blorbs]

i'm like a real life version of when you tell your sim to do something but they just keep standing up and sitting back down and not doing the thing

[totaly-obsessed]

would you be willing to write either an alessia x reader or a leah x reader who has ADHD? i loved your alexia piece. it made me feel super seen ❤️

Fitting In

Alessia Russo x reader request

-> A struggle day with Alessia - ADHD!Reader

-> @anon Makes me so happy to hear that you felt seen! These are things that actually happen in my day to day life - and adhd presents so different in people, please don't be offended if this doesnt fit you!

➳ Masterlist

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

“Baby?” Alessia's shout echoed through your shared home – the blonde had just come home from practice and was excited to spend a nice, relaxing evening with her girlfriend. But just a couple of seconds later she could see that the rest of the day would be a bit more chaotic than she had originally thought.

“Where are you?” Win, the Arsenal dog whined quietly booping her nose on Alessia's shin, trying to get her attention. With a sigh the striker took off the collar, letting the chocolate lab loose – just to see her race to the living room carpet where she dramatically flopped down with a loud huff.

“Bedroom!” Carefully Alessia opened the door, she never quite knew what to expect behind closed doors when it came to you. Maybe you would be dying your hair, trying her clothes on, or simply staring into the abyss. While she had been preparing herself for the worst, seeing you re-arrange furniture wasn’t so bad.

“Hi, Lessi!” The footballer did her best to ignore the heavy desk you were pushing around, instead giving you a kiss, melting at your huge grin and sparkling eyes.

“You’ve been quite busy huh?” You have been. The Wardrobe had been replaced by the bed and the bed with the desk – or at least your girlfriend guessed that you wanted it to go there.

“Help me?” She didn’t need much convincing, but the sheepish smile on your face certainly did the job.

With a gentle push, you were removed from the desk, as Alessia couldn’t watch your struggle any longer. With just a few expert nudges and lifts it was where you wanted it to be, with you directing the blonde.

“Done!” She brushed off her hands as if she were brushing off dirt from hard labor. With a smug smile, she saw you stare, particularly at her arms (still wearing her Arsenal training tank top), before she pulled you into a bruising kiss – large hands resting on your hips, fingers digging into your bum.

“Did you get groceries amore?” Oh right. There had been a reason why you had wandered in here, you originally had planned to get dressed and go shopping but all of a sudden you just felt an incredible urge to re-arrange the furniture. “Sorry, Lessi.”

With a soft chuckle, Alessia kissed your forehead, she knew that you didn’t do it on purpose, you never did. You just were forgetful. “How about we go out to eat?” That was the most brilliant idea you have ever had. Usually, you would order in because Alessia was too tired from training to actually go out – so it was a nice change. “That sounds fantastic baby. But it’s gonna be noisy and busy, you okay with that?” Your excited nodding was enough to melt her heart all over again. Bless you, so excited to go out with your girlfriend.

“I’m gonna have a shower, yeah?” You didn’t really realize what Alessia said until you heard the water running. “No Lessi!” As fast as you could you made your way to the bathroom, your girlfriend still in front of the mirror taking off her makeup. “Can I have it first? I’ll literally be ten minutes!” With one or two bats of your lashes, the blonde agreed, leaving you in the bathroom.

“Hey, google – play shower list! No, play Date playlist!” You had to repeat yourself, your Alexa was too confused with your wishes. The water was still running as you took Alessia's place, looking at yourself in the mirror. “Should I wash my hair? But I washed it yesterday – Shit. I didn’t do that washing did I?” There was no one to answer you, you were talking to yourself. On your way to the laundry room you nearly tripped over Win. “Winnie! You’re here! Oh, I love you so much!”

“Amore?”

No answer.

“Amore?”

With Win in tow, you climbed back up the stairs, already seeing Alessia with a big goofy smile in the bathroom. “Shit. I left the shower on.” The dog excitedly yapped once she saw the familiar blonde, her tail hitting your leg. “Yes, you did.” She wasn’t mad – she was laughing, and she had shut the water off. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry Less. Promise I’ll go now.”

“You haven’t had it yet?” Win was once again whining for attention but stopped once you leaned down to pet her head. “No, I want downstairs and I was doing the washing because I forgot to do it earlier.” By now you had eventually taken off your socks and outer layer, just in your underwear now.

“I just need to get my skincare stuff.” Why it was in the kitchen you didn’t really remember, however halfway down the stairs, you remembered the disgustingly cold showers. “Need the shower to warm up first!” Up you went again.

Now with your skincare, water warming up, the right music, and the laundry on – you were ready to actually get in, until you weren’t. Your sister had sent you a TikTok, which left you to doom scroll for a while before Alessia eventually came back up. “Are you done amore?”

She knew that you hadn’t been in yet, the half-Italian always knew when you were having a hard day, and today was one of them.

“I don’t know if I want to shower yet.” Your girlfriend could see the frustration building up in you, so she pulled you in a hug. “That’s okay baby. Can I go?” The defeated look on your face was all she needed, cooing over your sad little face before shoving you out the door after calling Win to keep you company.

Whilst the footballer was in the shower, you had tasked yourself with picking outfits for the both of you. Picking Alessia’s was easy, not only did she look good in everything, but all her clothes matched, so there was no bad choice.

When the blonde entered the bedroom she couldn’t help but laugh at you standing in front of the full-body mirror, wearing a cropped puffer jacket you had bought last week. Your lips in a pout and cheeks red in frustration – something was wrong.

“You okay baby?”

Boom, tears. Knowing that Alessia knew you and all your little signs meant the world to you. “I hate this jacket.”

“But you just bought it last week, what’s wrong with it?” by now she was standing in front of you, opening it up, closing it again, turning you around to get a better look, trying to figure out what is bothering you. “It’s the sleeves, look.” You thrust your hands out, the sleeves rising up so that your wrists were out.

“Maybe it’s the hood?” Your girlfriend pulled the zipper on the detachable hood, taking it off and abruptly throwing the hood itself on Win’s head. “What do you think? I think you look great!” You had to admit, that it was better, but the sleeve situation was still bothering you. “Nuh-uh. Wanna get rid of it.” With a final nod, Alessia helped you take it off, throwing the jacket on a pile of clothes. “Ella was looking for one of those.” That was that. Ella would get the jacket.

In the end, Alessia chose your outfit, as you were much too busy playing with Win, who was pawing at you when you had flopped down next to her on the carpet.

Whilst you were getting ready Alessia grabbed the rest of your stuff – that you would definitely forget and run back in and out again until you have everything, like your wallet or lip balm.

As soon as you entered the restaurant you regretted it. There was so much going on and such a wave of noise that greeted you that you nearly just walked back out again – but your girlfriend had already picked out a table in a corner.

“Less I don’t know what to get – I’m like overwhelmed by the options.” Somewhere a child started screaming and a hoard of adults kept laughing at it very loudly. “It’s like I can’t read the words that are literally right in front of me."

It started to beep everywhere in the big room. You had picked a popular restaurant in the area that had pagers that vibrated, blinked, and beeped when your food was ready so you could go and get it.

“What do you feel like amore?” You were zoned out, eyes empty staring at the menu, dead to the world around you. Alessia sighed, she knew that this would happen. “How about Pasta?” You nodded, she knew which one you would like.

A couple of minutes later your girlfriend came back, with one of these little devices in her hand, placing it under her thigh on the stool, desperately trying to soften the glaring noise.

Suddenly the lights dimmed and a birthday song was played loudly over the speakers. As well as you could you held your ears closed as most guests started to sing and clap along. Just as the song ended your food was ready and Alessia went to go and get it.

“How was training Less?” She could see your head swiveling around, overwhelmed by the lights, the noise, and the people – nonetheless, she took your bait, explaining what had happened at the Arsenal training center, appreciating that you tried to listen, and even asked questions.

Ten minutes into eating a children's birthday party sat down at the table next to yours, and as cute as the kids were – they were even louder than your thoughts. Screaming over the top of each other, begging for Ice cream for dinner and even yelling at the poor elders on their other side, trying to show them something.

“Amore? Are you overstimulated? Would you like to get this to go, and just go home?”

“Yes please.”

Alessia went up to the register with your plates, while you packed up all your stuff, grabbing your jackets and Alessia’s little bag that really only held her car keys.

In the car, you couldn’t hold it anymore, and the tears just burst out of you in streams that seemed never-ending. “I-I’m sorry Lessi, jus wanted to be like everyone else but I can't even sit in a restaurant.”. Your girlfriend cooed at you, gently stroking your thigh trying to calm you down a little. “We don’t need to be like anybody else. We can just be… Us!”

The rest of the evening was spent cuddled up on the couch with Win occupying one of the ends, stealing a blanket off of you, as Alessia covered you in hers as well. The wood was still warm when you ate it, even after changing out of the uncomfortable outfits and into big shirts and joggers.

“I love you amore. For you – you don’t need to be like anybody else.”

[bullet-prooflove]

The Secret: Alden Parker x Reader

Tagging: @kmc1989 @sarakafarrah@mandy426@caffeinatedwoman@elefrog25-blog

You’re mad at him. Alden can tell because you’ve re-arranged the items on his desk. You know it drives him completely crazy. His workspace has a certain feng shui, everything in its rightful place but today, his stapler’s on the wrong side, his orchid’s tilted at a 90 degree angle and he doesn’t even know where his hole punch is.

He sighs as he returns the stapler to its correct place because the truth is he should have told you he was meeting up with Viv. He just didn’t want to get into it because it brings up a lot of other things, things he doesn’t want to talk about.

He knows it’s not the fact he caught up with Vivian that bothers you, it’s the fact he kept it a secret, the fact you found out because you literally ran into them. He’d told you he had an early meeting as you were heading out for your jog, promised he’s catch up with you at lunch if you were both in the office.

He’d been coming out of the Café Futo with Viv when he’d glanced up and saw you coming, skin flushed, ear buds in. You’d been talking about changing up your running route, he just hadn’t realised in which direction it would take you.

He’d seen the look on your face, the moment you’d realised he’d been keeping something from you. Your ex-husband used to do that too. He’d fuck other women, make you think it was all in your head. He’d taken a step towards you, but you were already gone.

“You haven’t told her.” Viv had said as you disappeared from his view. “You should explain why we do this once a year.”

“It’s not that simple.” He tells her and Vivian gives him the look he knows so well.

“This thing, it erodes marriages.” She reminds him as she removes her car keys from her jacket pocket. “It destroyed ours.”

He waits for you at the apartment that night but you don’t come home. Some of your clothes are gone along with your phone charger. You’ve only taken a few items and he thinks that’s a blessing, it’s a sign you’re coming back. Right now you just need space.

The next time he sees you, he’s stepping onto the elevator. You don’t say anything when he takes up residence alongside you, the grip on your purse tightens and he hates that he’s causing that tension, that he’s the one doing this to you. He has the power right here in his hands to stop all of this. He just needs to strong enough to say it.

“Viv and I…” He says quietly. “We used to have a daughter. Yesterday was her birthday.”

You tilt your head towards him and he stares straight ahead at the closed doors.

“Losing her is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.” He tells you, swallowing hard against the agony in his chest. “I still can’t talk about.”

“Alden…” You begin and his jaw clenches because this he thinks, this is the worst thing he’s every done to you.

“I never meant to keep it from you. I just…” The words die on his lips because simply there is no way to explain it.

“Alden…” You whisper, your hand slipping into his. He tilts his head towards you then and you can see his heart breaking into a million pieces right before your eyes. “Alden, I’m sorry.”

Love Alden? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

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Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[mynameismckenziemae]

Outlet for your frustration.

You had the worst day at work and need an outlet for your frustration.

Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin x you

Warnings: swearing, spanking, dom/sub dynamics, femdom, spanking, a sprinkle of ass play, humiliation, oral (both m and f receiving) smut. Let me know if I missed anything

———————————————————

This fic and everything I post is for 18+. MNDI. Do not repost my work without consent or steal my work. Reblogs/likes/comments would comments would make me happy, so please interact if you'd like (please be nice though, I’m sensitive haha). Blank/ageless blogs will be blocked.

A/N: So I don’t know what this is or what I’m doing. I’m not a writer. I’m not creative. This is literally the first thing I’ve written since high school and I’m in my 30s.

*Edited with Grammarly on 11/20/23.

The car ride is silent as you head home. You had the most frustrating day at work. Even the thought of turning music on overstimulates your fried brain.

Working in healthcare is difficult on a good day, but your specialty seems to get the brunt of crabby, rude patients.

You are the poster child of staying calm, cool, and collected—so much so that your coworkers don’t believe you’ve ever yelled or lost your temper. Jake’s friends adore his sweet, soft-spoken girlfriend. Jake himself hasn’t witnessed you be more than mildly disgruntled in the past 18 months of your relationship.

But today, you’d had enough. You just needed an outlet for all this frustration bubbling up inside.

___________________________________________

Closing the door with a sigh, you decide a shower to help ease some of the tension. Setting your bag down and toeing out of your shoes, you start stripping out of your scrubs on the way to the bedroom. You roll your eyes and smirk as you pick up one of Jake’s socks and his boxers.

 ___________________________________________

“You do know I’m not your maid, right?” I joke, bending over to pick up a pair of jeans he threw near (not in) the hamper.

A strong pair of arms wrap around my waist and there’s a hardness pressing into my ass.

“I know you’re not, I’m sorry. I always remember eventually, but you always pick it up before I get to it. I’ll do better” he murmurs, kissing my neck, “You would look damn good wearing one of those maid uniforms though”.

___________________________________________

A strangled, “Fuck” snaps you back to the present. Looking down at the sock in your hand, a wicked idea crosses your mind. You know just how to work through this frustration.

___________________________________________

 

You push open the bathroom door, with the sock still in hand. The sight in front of you sends a pulse of need straight between your legs. Jake is naked, wet and slowly stroking himself.

You clear your throat and he startles, his cheeks flushing pink at being caught in the act.

“Oh hey, you’re home. Sorry, I was—“ he starts.

“You dropped this" nodding to the sock, "and your boxers again. I had to pick them up...again. We talked about this just yesterday and you said you’d do better,” you say, dropping the sock and stepping into the shower behind him. You swat his hand away and take over, tightly gripping his hard-on, and giving him a slow stroke. “What do I have to do for you to remember, Jake?”

“Fuck sweetheart, you’re right. I’m sorry-“You put your finger to his lips to shush him.

“Do you remember what we talked about last week? About wanting me to take control sometimes? Rough you up a little?” You lean in to whisper in his ear while trailing the finger from his lips down his chest to pinch his nipple.

“Yessss” he groaned out, his cock twitching in your hand at your words.

“Yes, what?” You ask, pinching a little harder.

“Ma’am?” You nod. “Yes ma’am. Sorry ma’am” he says with a shudder.

“Mmm, good,” you say as you lean forward, sucking the abused nipple into your mouth.

“Fuuuuck” Jake groans again, his hand finding your ass to give it a squeeze.

You pull off his nipple with a pop and shake your head, grabbing his hand from your ass and putting at his side. “This is how it’s going to go. You don’t get to touch me unless I give you permission. You don’t get to touch yourself unless I give you permission. Now turn around and put your hands on the wall”.

Jake looks at you through hooded eyes, "Yes ma'am".

___________________________________________

He turns his back to you and puts his hands out in front of him; the water splashing onto the back of his neck. You snake a hand in front of him to flick the water off, then each of your hands grabs his ass, squeezing and kneading.

"Okay Jake, what's your safeword?"

"Rooster" Jake mutters after a beat.

You quirk your eyebrow at that; but choose to not press right now; tucking that information away to discuss at a later time.

"I think 10 for each item I picked up is fair, don't you?" You ask sweetly.

"10 wha-fuck!" Jake gasps as you deliver the first hit to the right cheek.

"Spanks, hits, strikes, licks…whatever you want to call them. 10 for the sock, 10 for the boxers. You're going to remember this every time you sit down tomorrow, Jake. Don't you have training all day tomorrow too? Your coworkers are going to see you squirm, trying to find a comfortable position. If only they knew it was because your girlfriend spanked you like a naughty, little boy." You say, landing a sharp slap to the left cheek.

"Oh God," Jake breathes out, cheeks clenching while his hips rock forward.

"That's two. You're going to count out loud for me. If you lose track, I'm going to start over. As many times as it takes. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, ma'am".

*Slap* Another sharp crack to his right cheek.

Jake groans out, "Three ma'am".

You give a couple more slaps, alternating each side. Jake keeps count like the good military boy he is; you can hear how wrecked he is with each blow.

After the fourteenth hit, your hand starts to sting, so you take a step back and admire your handiwork (pun intended).

You were already soaked from the sounds he was making and the increased desperation in his voice with each swat, but seeing how red he was getting was enough to make you throb.

"Oh, what a pretty sight you are. I wanna take a picture just to put it as my wallpaper. Maybe I should send it to everyone in your squad so they can see how pathetic you are standing there, bright red ass cheeks begging for more" you say as you squeeze his cheeks, feeling the warmth.

"No, please, no! I'll do anything. Please, ma'am!" Jake begs, hips rocking forward, looking for any type of friction.

Your hands travel from his ass to his hips, stopping his motion. Your right-hand shifts to grab ahold of his cock suddenly, giving him a few tugs easily from the copious amount of precum he’s leaking.

"I'm not sure this is a punishment seeing how hard you are. I guess I'm going to have to take it up a few notches." You say.

Jake's cock twitches at your words and he whimpers. Whimpers. You've never heard your tough, strong, military man whimper. Another strong wave of arousal pulses through you at the sound. You close your eyes as you kiss his back to compose yourself.

"Color?" You whisper.

"Green ma’am. So fucking green," says Jake.

You release him and stand to reach behind you to quietly grab the wooden bath brush.

“How many more, Jake?”

“Six ma’am.”

”Good boy,” you purr and you see a shiver roll through him.

You bring the bath brush down directly in the center of his right cheek. It makes the most satisfying crack.

Jake’s back arches and his hands tighten on the wall as he lets out a sinful, “Holy fuck”.

You give him a second to compose himself and clear your throat.

“Shit. Fifteen ma’am. Sorry ma’am.”

“I’m feeling generous since this is your first time. Don’t let it happen again.”

“Yes ma’am.”

The next stroke of the bath brush gets the left side and pulls another deep groan from Jake.

“Sixteen ma’am.”

The next two are slightly lower, directly on his sit spots. He’s definitely going to be reminded of this tomorrow every time he sits down. It sends a delicious thrill through you.

The following swing catches both cheeks. All the muscles in his back and ass tense as he’s fighting not to straighten and take his hands from the wall.

“Nineteen ma’am! Fuck! Wait, please…wait ma’am I’m close and I don’t want to cum yet. Please ma’am.” he whines.

You give him a moment to compose himself, watching him while running the fingers of your free hand through your arousal to circle your clit. His breath slows and he puts his arms back in front of him again.

"You ready?"

"Yes, ma'am".

The final spank hits him again in both sit spots and he cries out, hands slipping.

You drop the brush and kneel while turning him around. You close your eyes as you suck him down greedily, bringing the hand still covered in your arousal between his legs to press on his hole. He lets out a choked noise and his hands fly into your hair as he thrusts, once, twice, and empties down your throat.

You swallow and open your eyes to look up at him. He. Is. Wrecked. Tears are leaking out of glassy eyes, flushed face, and chest heaving.

"Are you okay? Was that too mu--"

"That was amazing, "Jake says against your lips as he lifts you to your feet and seats you on the shower bench behind you. "I've never cum that hard in my life. That was so hot. You're so hot. I've never seen you like that. So ruthless and cold and mean and hot. Fuck, that was hot."

You laugh as he kneels, throwing your legs over his shoulders, and dives in like a man starved, licking ruthlessly at your clit. You moan, grabbing at his hair and directing him exactly where you want him. You're so worked up from having him at your mercy that you're trembling through your orgasm in no time.

___________________________________________

You shower together after, and Jake asks about your day as he rubs your back and shoulders. You’re already feeling lighter by the time you get out.

As you're drying off, you snort as you catch a glimpse of Jake's bright red ass in the mirror. He turns to see what you're looking at and his gaze darkened as his cock twitches as he starts to harden again.

"You do realize I'm going to remember to put my clothes in the hamper now, but I might dump some out on the floor if this is what happens when you have to remind me," Jake says as he picks you up.

You laugh all the way to the bedroom, the frustration from the day completely forgotten.

 

___________________________________________

 The next day at training:

Jake did remember every time he sat down, he squirmed in his seat trying to get comfortable, and he spent the majority of the day with the sweet discomfort of arousal. Oddly enough, Rooster was the only one to notice.

[hum-suffer]

I'm Yours 5

Ishan curses the moment he has sober thoughts back in his head, that is, the next morning. He slept through his alarm and has less than half an hour to get ready and not be late to college so he stores any and all thoughts away as he carefully puts down the gajra from his wrist and onto the dining table before running around his house like a headless chicken.

His day proves to be even more trying, as news reaches the college that the university is going to host an organisation for cultural events and as the manager, Ishan is supposed to coordinate at least the engineering department. He couldn't have had a weirder week.

He almost snaps at a student when they ask him for important questions but at the last moment manages to hold his tongue and instead give them a later date for such a discussion. He has a lot on his plate already, and them asking for important questions almost a month before the exam is literally not helping him.

____________________________________________________

It happens when Ishan enters Virat's office, to borrow his copy of Rashmirathi. Virat bhaiya seems to be talking to someone on his phone, a video call.

He beams when he sees Ishan. "Arre, Ishan! I was just talking about you. You should take more holidays too, baba, you look so rested."

It's the effect of mind numbing alcohol after my stalker became a cock block, he wants to say. Instead, he snorts,"Wow, call me out on all my dark circles, why don't you?"

Virat bhaiya shakes his head fondly. He beckons Ishan on the other side of the table and almost shoves his phone in Ishan's hand. He's been talking to Shubhman.

Shubhman seems to be just as surprises to see him and freezes. Ishan freezes as well, but for something else entirely.

He has a fucking hickey on his chin.

His heart thuds uncomfortably in his chest as he smiles,"Hi, how are you?"

"I'm good," he absolutely doesn't sound good with the way his eyes are widening,"Just wanted to show Virat bhaiya the toys I bought for Vamika yesterday." Almost as if he's relieved, he turns the phone camera to some soft toys, piled up messily. Ishan smiles, spotting the Pikachu plushie that Vamika is sure to love.

"That's very sweet of you, Shubhman." He looks at Virat bhaiya and back at Shubhman. "I'm very sorry to cut this short but I need to borrow Virat bhaiya's copy of Rashmirathi instantly before my next class."

"Of course, totally understandable! It was nice talking to you!" He seems like he is hesitant in adding anything else.

Even as he knew it could probably be the worst choice of his life, Ishan smiles at him at graciously. "Fir milenge."

____________________________________________________

Shubhman is waiting on the steps of his porch when Ishan returns home. He looks like a kicked puppy.

He keeps stealing glances at Ishan, as he walks across the veranda. He stands up when Ishan reaches him and Ishan gestures at the door, unlocking his house and letting his guest enter first, as courtesy dictates.

"Ishan. Can we talk?"

Ishan nods, removing his jacket and throwing it over the arm of the sofa. "We can. But before that, I need tea to survive that conversation. Do you want some?"

"Please, thank you."

The pass the time in silence, unlike last time when they'd been yapping on and on about one thing or the other.

As the tea is boiling, Ishan sneaks a glance at Shubhman, who is staring at the bunch of gajras that Ishan has now started to group at the corner of the dining table. Before Ishan can take his eyes away from Shubhman, the man turns and Ishan wants to bury himself somewhere because Shubhman looks so fucking beautiful.

"I'm not sorry for meeting you, for falling for you or for wanting to date you," Shubhman says. His voice is shaking. "But I am sorry if I was a nuisance to you or if I scared you. I only ever wanted to, I don't know, just let you know how my world revolves around you."

Ishan doesn't know what to say, so he remains silent. Shubhman continues, softer, more vulnerable. "The day I saw you, I wanted to completely drown in you. Possess and be possessed. You seemed so full of life, love and enthusiasm. And I was never even remotely like that. I've never had a shred of peace or enthusiasm. You're so beautiful, so lively. I wanted you to myself."

"You could have asked me on date, Shubhman." He says, pouring the tea in teacups that he bought last year— only because they looked cute to him. White, covered all over by cute emojis. Shubhman gets the one with sparkle emojis.

Shubhman raises his eyebrows, still uncertain. "And you wouldn't have turned out to be homophobic? Or just token straight? Or even committed?" He blows lightly on his tea and the smell of mint calms Ishan somehow. "I realise I was wrong, but wanted to protect myself. I found out everything about you there is to find— I wanted to be cautious. I'm one of the youngest names in the industry, I'm unused to the attention and my success makes me a target for jealousy. I am nothing if not careful."

"And so humble, too." Ishan marks with a wry grin.

Shubhman looks down, almost shy. He continues after a moment,"I started searching you up and then when I was sure that you're all around a good person, I couldn't hide the urge to text you. After the first day, it became kind of addicting. Talking to you was the highlight of my day."

"You can break into my house to give me gajras and not ask me on a date?" Ishan raises an eyebrow. Shubhman shuffles adorably. Ishan is reminded how young and hence naive the man is, and something certainly unethical flares inside him.

Stop, he tells himself. For the sake of a peaceful death, stop.

Shubhman gives him a hesitant half grin. "I'm not even sorry."

And that was the truth. While Shubhman may feel sorry about spooking Ishan, but he won't feel sorry about pursuing him— in any way.

Ishan realises abruptly that his tea is empty when Shubhman lifts his cup up, taking his mug as well and putting them both in the sink. Ishan doesn't even have the coherence to stop his guest from doing chores because— what the fuck. What the fuck. His stalker is washing their cups of tea.

"No, wait!" Shubhman looks at him, surprised,"What are you doing, you're my guest! My mother will kill me if she finds out! Stop!"

Shubhman laughs and throws some water at Ishan almost unthinkingly before he freezes. Ishan swats him on the bicep.

There's something dangerous bubbling in his chest and it's not necessarily illicit but it is so so tempting and rattling.

Shubhman smiles at him and Ishan wants to keep the smile tattooed over his throat and feel him every time he takes a deep breath.

____________________________________________________

It's a miracle but ishan somehow manages to blink himself back to reality when Shubhman starts speaking. It's breath of fresh air to see the boy standing awkwardly in his kitchen, but Ishan has better manners than that. He leads Shubhman back to the living room. They cannot sit apart, won't, and Ishan feels so awkward that he might as well have met him at the club again.

"So," Ishan stretches out the syllable,"last night? What was...that?"

Shubhman blushes and looks down. For all purposes, he looks like he is here to give an interview or proposition a marriage.Ishan knows which one he prefers.

(No. Stop. Bad Ishan. BAD.)

"As you know, I've already hacked into your phone." Ishan raises an eyebrow and Shubhman shrugs with a wince. "I promise I didn't find you through that. I was in the club to drink myself in misery since the whole spooking you in the bathroom thing. It was out of line and I am very sorry about that. But yeah. I saw you with the guy and...I couldn't just watch. I wanted to be one whom you laugh with, whom you dance with. I knew all the dance hook steps you seemed to be enjoying and I wanted you to look at me like you're proud.

"I got the lights cut off for a while. I only planned to come near you and just bask in the fact that you're touching me. Things... escalated. And well. I can't claim to regret anything." His hand hovers over the hickey at his chin and his eyes look at the biege shirt Ishan is wearing, the one that conceals his own set of hickeys just barely. He'd had to wear a tie today to hide the one at his throat.

Ishan knows something is wrong with him because he definitely doesn't regret that either. He thinks that he'd love it anyway, if it was Shubhman or the stalker. The only reason that he didn't recognise the voice was because Shubhman appeared to have a mild cold, which deepened his voice.

Shubhman purses his lips and it's only when Ishan sees the look on his face that he realises that he's fingering the hickey at his throat. Shubhman's jaw tightens but he stays where he is.

Ishan gulps and looks away, at the gajras at the dining table.

"So," Shubhman copies Ishan. "Something like a girlfriend, huh?"

"You leave me flowers, worry about my well being and steal my shirts. I'm not even wrong," Ishan says with a grin. Shubhman grins back but Ishan knows that he wants a real answer and that makes him look away. "Since my childhood, I've had issues with, um, sharing. Thinking that someone solely wanted me, that someone is completely mine in a sense that is undecipherable, it may be wrong but I was flattered. I liked being the sole attention."

Shubhman looks at him hesitantly. "My attention is only ever going to be on you, Ishan, should you allow it. There's nothing I want more than I want you to be my partner, my companion."

"And you're not a murdering psychopath who stalks people, makes them fall for him and then kills them?" Ishan asks, just to be sure. He's late in the question and he's also aware that an actual psychopath wouldn't say the truth, because plausible deniability, who?

Shubhman grins at him. Ishan wants to curse how beautiful he is. No fucking wonder he's on so many magazine covers. He would have ended the world of modelling if he didn't choose academics.

"And you're asking me this question after I've broken into your house more than three times and you've invited me for tea twice?"

Ishan shrugs. Shubhman laughs.

"No." The intensity of the word comes as a bit of a shocker. "There's never going to be anyone but you. And you'll never get hurt by my hand intentionally, I swear it. You're everything, Ishan." Shubhman smiles, softer and quieter. He turns and his knee bumps with Ishan's thigh. "I don't become a stalker for just anyone, Ishan."

Ishan feels heat rush to his cheeks and ears. He unnecessarily clears his throat. "It's a good thing too. How would I take you to the best date ever if you're in jail?"

Shubhman blinks owlishly. Ishan panics. He definitely shouldn't have asked. Maybe Shubhman wanted to take it slow. Maybe he didn't want a relationship. Maybe he was busy. Maybe he found out he didn't like Ishan all that much—

"You still want me? After... everything?"

Ishan breathes a sigh of relief. One of his hand goes to Shubhman's knee unbidden and the other goes to cup his face.

"I've wanted you since the very moment I heard about you, baby. Of course, of course, I want you."

____________________________________________________

Tagging: @mayakimayahai @onthecloudseven @kyayaarkiraa @k-h-watari @ek-ladki-bheegi-bhagi-si @khwxbeeda @fortunatelycrazyyouth @theseventhhoax @ms-potato @athena-swords (bless you and your comments, ily)

[secretdiaryofcrowley]

Things To Do Today

Drive.

Just drive

Nothing else.

Waking up this morning, I knew instantly that today is a driving day. I've sobered up to get rid of the hangover, but my headache's still there and it's persistent. Should've sobered up yesterday night, but I kinda like the fuzzy head. Keeps me from thinking.

If there's enough pain in my head, I suppose, I won't worry too much about the pain in my heart.

I don't want to go anywhere near the bookshop. I don't, but I need to return the CD to Muriel before it looses its song. Still, I drive around all day to work up the courage.

The song starts five or six times while I'm driving back to Soho. I try to listen, but in the end I always turn it off. My car turns it back on. I turn it back off.

At the horizon, far beyond the end of the road, the sun's going down in a blaze of red and orange. Like the whole world was about to end in fire.

The street lanterns at Whickber Street flicker on as I pass through. The stores are closed at this hour, but there's still light in most of the restaurants and, of course, the pub.

I could go there, have a whiskey. Or I could have a bottle of wine at Marguerite's or a bottle of Tsingtao at Mr & Mrs Chen's place.

No, I can't. It would never be just one glass or one bottle. Wasting yourself on your own is fine, but not in front of people you used know. Not front of people he used to know.

If I was human, I'd probably be dead in a ditch somewhere three times over. Being who I am, I know how far I can take this. This may be the worst time, but it is certainly not the first.

It's not even the first time I got my heart ripped out, but last time happened to be a bit more literal.

Do mine eyes deceive me? There's light in the bookshop. No, not in the shop itself, but up in the flat, in the very guest room that Gabriel used to live in when he was Jim.

For a brief moment I allow myself to imagine what it would be like if Aziraphale was still in there. He'd notice I was on my way and open the door for me. And then we'd sit inside and talk about something or other, have a drink or two, and maybe talk some more. He would have a snack and I would watch him eat. He would get excited about something and bounce around and I would listen to the ridiclous sounds coming out of his mouth.

And watch his smile. That beautiful beautiful smile. And everything would just be fine for a few hours.

A familiar silhouette at the window. Muriel is sitting there, probably on the inside sill, their head bent over a book they're holding. They're a fast reader, turning the pages at a quick and steady pace.

I wonder why Muriel didn't take Aziraphale's room. It's bigger than the guest room and it's not like he'll be back anytime soon.

Angels and their faith...

I drop the CD in the letterbox inside the door, trying to avoid any noises. Back on the road, I look up to the window again.

Muriel still seems busy with their book. I hope, they read all the brilliant ones first, then the good ones before moving on to the trash that they inevitably will find.

But then, these humans never can tell the difference. Goethe's Faust was a good book. Marie Corelli's Sorrows of Satan was a brilliant one.

I cross the road and signal for my car to come pick me up. Nina is still inside her closed-for-the-night-coffee shop sitting at a table across Maggie. They're talking to each other and they both look worried.

Time to get out of here. Just as the Bentley speeds around the corner, Maggie spots me and starts waving frantically. Nina looks up, too, her expression a mix and match between a sigh of relief and a death glare.

No. No talk. I don't want to talk to any of you. I did what I came for and now I'm leaving.

Just leave me alone, all of you!

~ * ~

More Diary Parts:

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 / 16 / 17 / 18 / 19 / 20 / 21

[lnfours]

yess blurb night so excited! if ur not too busy with other asks is it possible for u to pls make a blurb in which tom holland and the reader are best friends and tom always flirts with her because he’s been in love with her for years but the reader keeps rejecting him (even tho she or they is clearly blushing) because she is scared of love because like insecurity and what if one day he leaves her for someone better or they don’t work out and she loses him as a friend? but tom is patient with her and eventually they end up together?

okay anon. it's FINE. just break my heart :,)

send me tom asks !

things between you and tom have always been... complicated.

it was never easy figuring out what the both of you wanted and when, and the fact that you were too nervous to give you heart to another person always made things difficult. but, that didn't stop tom from trying. he'd always go out of his way to make sure you were special to him, always find a way to make sure just how pretty you really were.

you were the love of his life. and he was yours, but you were just too scared to admit it.

"oh come on, y/n! when are you finally going to admit to him that you love him." your best friend and roommate, maddy, sighed. she meant well, she just wanted what was best for you. she saw the way you lit up when he texted you, the way you blushed whenever he complimented you. she knew everything, and she would die on this hill.

"never," you sighed, "liz said she saw him with brooke stone the other night."

"oh, please. as if brooke has something you don't." maddy rolled her eyes. little did you know she had already confronted tom about it. they hadn't worked out at all, apparently she was doing the same thing with a bunch of other guys behind his back.

it hurt like a bitch, even more knowing that you were too late. someone else had taken their chance. what hurt the worst was that tom hadn't talked to you since brooke waltzed her way into his life and took over.

everything. sucked.

"i don't know, she was all over him."

"and was he all over her?" she asked you and you huffed, pulling the blanket over your head. you had been sulking on the couch watching shitty rom-coms for the past three days, knowing now that the one boy you truly wanted was off the table.

or so you thought, anyway.

"i love that this happened to me right before valentine's day. just my luck, eh?"

maddy looked down at her phone as it buzzed on the counter in the kitchen. she smiled, seeing tom's text to her light up her screen.

tom holland hey, by any chance is y/n home? i was going to ask her to be my valentine and sort of kinda confess my feelings, as vulnerable as that sounds lol

she typed back a response

she's home. just for the love of GOD holland please get y/n to stop watching '13 going on 13' and snotting all over the couch

lol, be there in 15 no promises about the '13 going on 30', though. that's a classic

"i love jennifer garner," you said from the couch, "i want to look like her when i'm older."

maddy let out a laugh, "yesterday it was blake lively, now it's jennifer garner?"

you were silent for a moment, "both. both would be good."

she shook her head and sat down on the couch, lifting your legs up for a place for her to sit.

"can we please watch something other than movies that are going to make you cry?"

"no."

"why? do you wish to be dehydrated?"

"yeah."

she rolled her eyes again, "okay then, don't ask me to pick up pedialite tomorrow."

"i wont."

"alright, sure."

after a while there was a knock on the door. maddy tapped your legs.

"answer the door."

"no," you whined, "this is the best part!"

"y/n, they're literally just sharing razzles as 30 year olds."

"but it's sentimental!" you groaned. she gave you a glare and you groaned as you wrapped yourself in the blanket more, walking towards the front door.

"listen, whatever you're selling i'm not interested in. i'm watching a really great movie and it's at the best part and-"

you cut yourself off as tom stood there smiling with a bouquet of your favorite flowers, "i know, maddy told me to save you from getting swallowed by the couch."

you sniffled, walking out onto the porch and closing the front door behind you, "what are these for?"

"well, they have three meanings," he started, "one for not telling you how i felt sooner, another as an apology and another reason i'll get to in a minute."

"telling me how you felt?" you questioned.

he took a deep breath, "i know how scared you've been about loving someone again, trust me, from experience, i know how scary it is. it swallows you whole and you can't think about anything else. but i just can't stop myself from thinking about you day and night. you're the only thing that's ever on my mind. it's like you're embedded in it and i can't get you out. y/n, i love you. i'm head over heels, if that's what they call it."

you looked at him confused, "but you and brooke...?"

"didn't work out," he sighed, "don't worry about it though, i'm actually kind of glad it didn't."

you smiled softly, "you got me sunflowers."

"your favorite," he smiled, "fresh from the farmers market in town."

"you remembered." you took them gently from his hands.

"'course, couldn't forget it even if i tried."

"and the last meaning for these flowers?" you asked.

"oh, yeah," he cleared his throat, "was wondering, would you be my valentine?"

you smiled, "of course."

he smiled back at you and you pulled him into your body by the strings of his hoodie, "and i love you too, head over heels, as they say."

he smiled, leaning down as his nose bumped yours, "i know."

you smiled, "i like to think i can hold up a front."

"maybe when you're not blushing so hard you look like a tomato."

you smacked his arm playfully, "hush."

"make me."

you rolled your eyes and smiled, leaning in to kiss his lips as he held your waist in his arms. just like you've always been wanting him to do.

"thank fuck! it's about time!" maddy yelled from the doorway. you turned around, smiling as you shot her the middle finger and tom laughed behind you.

"yep, love you too!"

[pbandjesse]

Today was actually a really productive day. Despite how crummy I was feeling for a lot of it.

I slept alright. Not the best, not the worst. Waking up wasn't great. The new curtains made the room hide and dark which did not help me wake up. I did hit the snooze button but would only stay in bed a few extra minutes. James was laying on the floor waiting for me to wake up. We had a nice hug and I let them know how as going to take a shower and wash my hair before I left so they didn't need to wait for me. They said alright and wished me luck and would figure out coming to my appointment this afternoon.

I felt a little better after my shower. I was still really anxious and was still nauseous at times. But I was trying to be optimistic. When I went outside our neighbor, Mary, was sitting on her stoop so I went and chatted with her for a bit. I told her about my high blood pressure yesterday and she told me God will take care of it. She is very sweet.

I decided I would go to the McDonald's in hunt valley before I went to camp. I ordered my breakfast and I have no idea how I messed it up so bad but I would end up with a steak and onion mc muffin??? I literally didn't even know it was an option and it smelled like dog food. Gross. I would disassemble it and it wasn't amazing but it was fine. I was just like. Of course this was happen. On this day I was so stressed.

Once I got to camp I would start working on setting up tomorrow's field trip. I took stuff out of the car to make space and when I started loading in the car I realized the car absolutely stink like dog food and Soni had to keep all the windows open for the entire time I was at camp to just to air it out. Gross.

It took about an hour to get everything set. I went around to each station and I think everything looks nice. Its a staff lead one so I hope that my coworkers are smart enough to handle everything. They are all very competent so I am not worried at all.

Once things were set in the woodlands village I would go down to the lodge to drop off the tech stuff and chatted with Joe for a little about the field trips this week. He was working on taking apart the gaga pit, I assume to rebuild, and would be using big machines today.

I went to the office to print and laminate some stuff. Chatted with Alexi about the new appointment and she made me feel like things were going to be okay. Just a little stressed still.

I would stay at camp until 1030. I would print new schedules because the one Elizabeth did yesterday didn't have the group names. And we chatted about the trip and stuff. We also watched Sarah drive the gator with Obie the mini horse in the back which was very silly looking.

I would go and pet Obie for a while. And drank a juice. And then I was out. Elizabeth said I could stay if I wanted more hours but there wasn't anything I needed to do really (I could have jumped into the field trip today as extra hands but they didn't actually need help) so I decided that I should go home and rest before my appointment.

I'm really glad I did.

The drive home was rough on my. Music made me cry. I was nauseous and stressed. I calmed down enough once I was parking but I was just so glad I was home.

There were some people outside our neighbors's house and it turns out they are the former owners of Tori next door's place and our place! I think they are trying to buy Tori's house back since no one is renting it from them and I'm sure they are stressed about it. They were very nice older white people. I told them how much I love this block but I really hope they put a light in on the corner. Because man. The way people drive on this street is insane sometimes. But I love our house and the people on our block. The guy was like well I'm sold, great reviews.

When I went inside I would take Crabcake out to walk around while I sipped my juice and worked on some knitting. I would also soak Crabcake in some warm water for a bit before I moved all of us outside.

I would lay on the swing for about an hour. Until the sun got to hot on my legs. I was not feeling amazing. I was trying to just chill. But I was nervous about the appointment. And I was catastrophizing a bit. So I kept considering doing things that I wouldn't be able to do if something went wrong. It was probably not healthy.

I had a yogurt. And changed my shirt. Twice. I brought everything inside. And it was 115. And I was like. I am just going to go now and wait in the parking lot.

And that is what I did. James would leave the museum at 130, about when I got to the parking lot. At 145 I went inside and checked in. And James got there a few minutes later.

Thankfully the appointment went very well. I did not get an ultrasound, rude. But we did get to hear baby's heartbeat. 140 and doing well. I think I overwhelmed the nurse a bit with all of my problems and concerns. She had to go get sticky notes to write them all down.

My blood pressure was 120/80 today, much less concerning but still higher then normal. The nurse practitioner that I met with today was so sweet. She was such a good listener and I felt a lot more secure in the plan for not feeling terrible. They are going to try and get me zofran again. And they prescribed me an at home blood pressure cuff to monitor myself. James was very nervous the whole appointment but I think hearting baby's heart helped calm us both down.

They did decide to test me for lead while we were there. Which was seemingly a little confusing to the lab techs. And then the phlebotomist wasn't the nicest. But everyone else is so it's all good. They make up for it.

We made my next appointment. I was smart and didn't for 3 weeks this time so it won't line up with my high risk appointment. And I was feeling a lot lighter after everything.

James biked home and I stopped at five below for candy and looking at the T-shirt wall. I would get the greatest iguana shirt. And the cashier complimented my tattoos and I was feeling happy. Still nauseous but happy.

When I got home James had made me a quesadilla. And we hung out together for a bit. They went to watch a show in the other room. And I enjoyed having the backdoor open. Just enjoying the beautiful weather.

James would set up in the living room to record their podcast. And I would focus my little bit of energy on organizing the basement. Putting things away that have been bothering me and making the shelf over the washer/dryer more organized and I am really happy with the work but man did I get sweaty. And then I was absolutely exhausted. It took like an hour to get the basement all together and Im really proud of the productivity but still. Man.

I laid in bed until James got done their podcast. They brought me a bowl of ice cream. And then I went to take a shower while they are their dinner. They would grab a shower after me.

And now we are in bed. And I am very tired. It's a very big field trip tomorrow. 88 kids. But I am really hoping it's a good time. I hope you all have a good day tomorrow. Sleep well. I love you all. Good night!!

[heiressofdoodles]

Journal of the Last Prophet (Part Two)

November Seventeenth, 1635

I was summoned to the Queen’s Court yesterday afternoon. Non negotiable, even in the case of emergencies. If she had more honesty with herself and with us, she would’ve sent her guards to drag me to the castle at swordpoint. Being in her presence is sickening, and even though I was allowed to bring my spouses here, I… was unable to sleep last night. The anxiety was so intense, I felt ill just attempting to sit up. I was dreading the idea that the second I closed my eyes, her guards would break down the door, and throw me into a cell… or worse…

I’ve… heard stories of a place in the castle… Dull Glass. You can use it to travel across Wonderland if you know how to use it, but… if you aren’t careful… it’s a never ending maze… What’s worst of all, again I’ve only heard stories about Dull Glass, is that if you are not of sound mind or are hiding dark secrets, even if you don’t know those secrets exist, it will haunt you. Follow you, chase you relentlessly, stalking you until they break you… figuratively or literally… or until you find the way out. I don’t want to find out if those stories are true. There… is not much I can do against the Queen. No matter how much I want to…

The sun is rising as I write this. I just hope they make hot chocolate or coffee here to help me feel more awake…

It was… not a pleasant visit, I must say. She was so calm and friendly to us when the rest of the court had arrived. Somnia was even joking with us a bit… in her own twisted way, of course. Taunting me for the curse she forced upon me… After lunch, she had invited me into her office. Still, she was calm… right up until she had dismissed my spouses and her guards. The moment those doors were closed, her needlessly cruel and sadistic tendencies were on full display. For one, she had… a strange box in front of me, just sitting on the desk. When my curiosity had gotten the best of me, I saw there was a strange, soft blue, whispy pearl looking thing in the glass box. I knew what it was before she had even said anything. 

“So, how is your situation going in Tarot Town, anyways? Everyone is happy and content?” It was sickening to me that she could talk to me as if there was nothing wrong; as if she hadn’t stolen my voice from me. I tried to give her the best answer, and she just laughed at me. “I’m still surprised they keep reelecting you as Mayor when you sound so pathetic.” I said nothing… What was I meant to say? She just… stared. “I’m certain you’ve noticed this little case on my desk. Would you like to know what it is?” That smile… How could someone be so wicked…?

She… I don't know how, but with a snap of her fingers, a soft, red glow appeared, and… I had my voice back; the glass box was empty. I could speak again. I could genuinely speak, and not just in those strange phrases. Real words and real sentences again. I had been dreaming of this day, the moment that I’d be able to speak normally again. I even had a plan of what I’d say… I’d tell my spouses that I love them. But I highly doubt I’ll be able to do even that before she reverses the spell again… Trapped… in this one room with the person that had done so much to people that only wanted what was right… She certainly was expecting me to be at my nonexistent feet and begging for her mercy and forgiveness. When I did nothing of the sort, she seemed more frustrated and angry.

I tried to block it all out… Her anger, her hatred, and the threats… but nothing I could do really… helped… After a while of failed negotiations, I… seem to have worn down her, because, she… did exactly as I feared she would. Our meeting was over, and she had stolen my voice again. I was just as ashamed of facing my family as I was… when this curse came into effect. And to think that we’re trapped here in the Card Castle until the Queen dismisses us… I just want to go home… But I think that the Queen ordered at least two of her soldiers to stay posted outside my bedroom… I can hear them talking through the door, and the windows are locked. I don’t want to die here.

January Twentieth, 1640

The weather has been a bit clearer lately; we’ve had a few days of blizzards and snow which had snowed most of us inside. I’ve been going through the town as I usually do now, checking with every family as I go. Sadly, I don’t have time to socialize with all of them, but it’s certainly better than not having anything. Quite a number of families were glad to hear that the storm had cleared, and not just because they needed a break from their families or needed some more food. I just hope the grocery store didn’t lose power.

I heard stories when I was a child of someone called the Snow Queen. She’s somewhat of the physical embodiment of winter with all the metaphors and characteristics of its hostile nature. Lonely and cruel, with a never ending hunger for power and a thirst for violence. Despite this, I’ve also heard tales of sympathy, calmness and even friendliness to those that respect her and her rule. While her appearances and stories about and including her have become sparse in recent years, she is known to be petty, and causes unnaturally violent blizzards to those that disrespect her. If any of those stories are true, I hope that she is doing okay, wherever she is.

About half past three, I had knocked on the door to the twins' home. They seemed to rush beyond the door, before opening it. “Oh, Mayor Aeon,” the one twins had said to me. “What are you doing here?” I had mentioned that I was here to make sure everyone was okay. They seemed… hesitant, before they opened the door to let me in. Their home was cozy and warm, even if it was a little bit dull here and there. They didn’t seem to mind, however. In fact, I think it was rather put together and calm. It wasn’t quite like the other villagers. “Hey!” the one twin called. “The Mayor is here!” I tried to tell them (to the best of my ability) that there was no need for them to be so… worried about speaking to me. But they insisted that I stay for some time…

They had made some hot chocolate to help warm me up, and had welcomed me to hang up my coat and veil. Naturally, as I didn’t want to disrespect them, I did as they asked with a smile, and sat down on the couch. They were rather decent hosts, I must admit, and the conversations were far more pleasant than normal. That is, until they had asked if it was true, what I had said to the Queen almost five years ago now… the stories of my “bravery” having apparently spread across the town, yet never having been said to me… I’m… still surprised that people hold me in such high regard… It doesn’t quite feel like something that would be said about me, I guess… But, I did confirm it. I had done that… I had spoken against the Queen, and I had rejected the chance to be given back my voice…

“Then… you truly are the Mayor of the people.” I was somewhat confused… They had sat down across from me, and the weight of the air… it grew heavy with anticipation. They seemed to be… holding their cards tightly against their chest, however. “Are… you sure you won’t tell her anything?” I nodded my head. I restated what I had told her all that time ago. I will not bow to her, and nothing she can do to me will change that. They seemed to be afraid… 

“We are… from Underland, Mrs. Mayor.” My heart sank. Not because they had lied to me, but because it all made sense. The strange, subtle movements they made, their unwillingness to give their names, the look in their eyes… How could I look upon them with any discontent now? Peaceful lives weren’t going to be available to them so long as Somnia sits on the throne. “We had moved to Wonderland about… oh, fifty years ago now? But… with what happened nearly thirty years ago… We had been desperate to hide ourselves. We heard what she had done to the Bishop, and… we dread that if she learned there were Underlanders living in Wonderland for even longer than him…” The one with the cane shook his head, trying to block out the thought. It must’ve been a dreadful idea, if he couldn’t even speak it.

The other spoke instead. “None of us want to face her wrath. Because she’d almost certainly burn this entire town down to make us pay for existing. No one would be innocent in her eyes; all co-conspirators in sheltering us from her… Not even you, Mrs. Mayor.” My hands shook. All this time, they had been living in fear of the Queen, and of anyone that got too cozy with her. I still feel so horrible for them. How could anyone be able to live that way? They… didn’t say much afterwards… I understood why. They must’ve felt like they had already told me too much. But it was better for them to tell than for this secret to be stressing them with their every moment. I left shortly after, thanking them for the hot chocolate, and finished greeting everyone not long afterwards.

I hadn’t even told Kaseki, Kamenshi or Galacta about this… I’m just writing it down, in this book, where no one will ever be able to find it. They trust me with their life, and I trust that this secret will stay in this book. I don’t even care if I have to rip out these pages to protect them; I will do it. No one deserves to live in such terror and fear for every day of their life. I swear, I will never tell her anything. I won’t let any of them down.

I would rather die than tell her anything.

July Thirty First, 1642.

Today marks one long decade of my curse. There has been no sign of it breaking. No sign of release or freedom from this dark spell, and yet, we have overcome the troubles she had forced upon us. While the world is indeed suffering, the town has slowly been clawing out of the worst of it. Well, as best we can thanks to the Queen’s regular intervention. If I was not so… polite, I’d already have written out a rant of less than appropriate words to describe her. I have reason to believe she’s become paranoid with me still being in power, but I don’t have any time to make a revolution from the town. And besides, I’m not a Suit; I don’t have the power to take away the throne from Somnia, and no one has heard of the Spade, Diamond or the Club in ages. It’s like they’ve just up and vanished without a trace.

It’s… fine, though. We are doing what we can do without them. I’ve held up my promises to the town, which must be why I’ve held office for so long. Despite my curse, and despite the long hours of work… I do try my best to make sure we’re all protected… My mother seems a bit on edge with some of the things I’ve told her, though. Of course, I haven’t told her any secrets that I promised to never share. I could never… But, from what my Mother has told me… things have been getting worse over at the castle. People are being thrown into the prisons, some are being killed over petty slights… and Somnia seems to be driving herself even more mad than before…

If it was anyone else, I’d feel sympathy. Pity, at worst. But I don’t. I feel horrible for the people she’s betrayed, however. She had sworn to protect Wonderland when she took the throne, but she is just using her power and privilege to make everyone around herself suffer. She’s not cruel because she’s alone. She’s alone because she’s cruel. At this rate, I don’t think anyone should take the throne again. From what I’ve read of the history of Wonderland, it’s just more corruption as the line goes further down. Every power vacuum creates another crisis… I can only assume Underland or whatever other realities out there are doing far better than us.

…I’m just rambling again. I’m sorry.

August Twenty First, 1643.

My mother passed away today. I went to her house this morning to talk to her and to go out for breakfast, but she was already gone. She passed away peacefully. It feels… so wrong for her to not be here. I miss her so deeply, but it’s only natural that it would’ve happened. Her health had been in decline for some time now - since last year at least, but losing her still feels horrible. There are still so many things I want to ask her about, so many things I want to learn, and yet she’s taken her knowledge and experience into the void with her. Doing my work for the town will be a bit difficult, but I pray that this wave of misfortune will pass over soon.

August Thirtieth, 1643.

I… severely over estimated how hard losing my mother would be. When I went to the office the day of and after her passing, the others told me to go home and rest. After a brief protest, I did. But I still feel so exhausted. I wish she was here. I try to distract myself with my work, but it doesn’t work for long. I don’t know what’s worse now; this curse, or this… feeling that I could’ve helped her. She was going to die eventually, but we had plans. Places to see, things to do. And there are things I wanted to talk to her about, answers that I couldn’t find for myself. Kaseki and Kamenshi said this is normal after losing a parent, but… I still miss her so deeply. I want to keep her close, but just memories of her aren’t enough. Not really. Maybe if I actually had my father here to grieve with me… or if I had already learned how to grieve if he's not alive anymore, maybe this wouldn't feel so much worse… I hate to end this on a negative note, but… I just have nothing positive to say today.

September Fifth, 1643.

I've been doing more of my job to the best of my ability. Things have been rough, but the people have been understanding. There has been no word from the Card Castle for too long; I'm expecting a visit at any point. I hope that no one has noticed my stress, but it's a bit difficult. How long can I wait without an answer for the question if I’m even going to be alive at the end of the week? Somnia’s rage grows with every visit and every refusal.

While I was making my rounds, I believe the Twins had taken notice of my gloomy state. They were sitting at the café again, before they saw me and waved me over. While they still haven't told me their names, they’re pleasant as long as they don’t bicker. Which… Now that I think about it, it isn't very often. Probably not the best way to describe them, then. Those two will find anything to argue about. It’s rather impressive, but can also be draining to be around them for long.

The first twin, the one with the cane beside his chair, asked me how I was doing without my Mama. It… was hard to answer honestly. I don’t like being vulnerable to a good amount of the town, and with those two in particular, it’s best that you have your defenses up. But he was calm and sympathetic. Didn’t even raise his voice when his brother made another ill-timed joke. “I understand, my dear,” he said to me. “It’s very hard to lose someone, especially if they’re the only one that you’ve had for so long.” I… didn’t really want to hear it. I’ve been hearing things like that since Mama passed, and it was more so getting on my nerves at this point. When you hear the same thing over and over, even the most sympathetic of phrases can become nails on a chalkboard.

“I… Both of us had gone through something like this, dear. This… realization and pain of knowing they’re gone.” I gently excused myself the best I could, (I had no translator again today, but they seem to know what I said to them, even without Galacta’s help) but the more I think of it, the more I needed to hear what they said next. “Your mother would be proud of you.” I turned to look at them again, astonished at the gentleness of his voice. His brother was completely silent, but the look in his dark glasses told me that he was thinking the same. “You’ve been through a lot, and if anyone else was in your position, we would’ve caved to the Queen’s demands. Yet you still fight her tooth and nail for every shred of dignity that she wants to rip away from you.” I almost didn’t want to accept such kind words, but it felt very nice to be appreciated in that regard. I… hope that’s not my ego talking.

After a bit longer, I said my farewells again, and left them to their coffees. I can never tell what I’m going to get myself into when I go to talk to those two, but just knowing that they care about the struggles it takes to keep this town safe from the Queen… It just helps. I think that maybe that’s why they left Underland all that time ago. Despite the risks, they somehow knew things were going to get bad on this side of the rift. I spoke with my spouses about this earlier, and I was surprised to hear that they agreed. They said that my Mama had done the best she could, but even she couldn’t stand against Somnia like I have. Again, it might just be my ego talking, but it feels like I’m carrying on the torch. Leading the town to a time and a kingdom that is safer for everyone. Not just for the one at the top.

September Eleventh, 1643.

Queen Somnia is paying the town another of her surprise visits. I had been warned by Galacta as her carriage and her royal guards appeared on the horizon. She's done so much to myself and my people. Why does she still feel the need to come to our home and spit in our faces? He's going to accompany me during my meeting with her, translating as he often does now. I still feel so foolish speaking to my people; talking to her will be like a nightmare. I wish Mama was still here. If not to guide me, then to at least hold my hand and understand what I’m going through.

When she arrived, she was her usual self. Soft and sickeningly sweet to the people, but the moment that she and I were behind closed doors, her vile self was on full display. Galacta Knight stood beside me, and his grip on one of the swords, even if it was just for decoration, was terrifying. His stare was blank and empty, but I know that he was furious to see her again. She laughed and taunted me, asking if I was finally ready to tell her my visions. I refused again, and that just made her more furious. She threatened to sentence me to Dull Glass if I refused any further. But I won’t bow down to her. And she knows that if she so much as raised a hand to me, she would come to regret it. She left without any sort of pleasure from the trip.

But regardless, if nothing is done to stop Somnia, she will become so powerful that she's going to starve the land, and even if she doesn't, her thorns will choke the life out of the people she had sworn to protect when she was crowned. When she had undoubtedly stolen the crown from the poor soul that was the Ruler of Wonderland before her. If only I could do something. If only any of the other suits were here to do something. Please, Club, wherever you are, please come back to us.

September Fourteenth, 1643.

The Club has returned.

I had a vision not long before I woke up this morning. There were vines covered in poisonous thorns spreading across Wonderland, and the world shattering like glass, leaving only a void in its wake. Then I saw a green glow, with clover flowers blooming, healing and piecing back together the broken world. From the furthest corner of the world where the light was coming from, there was a figure standing there, a young Bluebird child, with the Club in the palm of their hand. Our world, all of Wonderland, will come to the brink of destruction at the cruel hands of the Queen, but the Club will defeat her in some form or another. The Diamond and the Spade couldn't do it; I just pray that this nightmare will finally be over.

There was… another part of my vision however. When the world was falling to pieces, I saw the Moon. It appeared suddenly, and it glowed an ominous blood red. I… will have to do research on lunar imagery in Wonderland's history. The moon on the sleeve of my priestess gown is symbolic of wisdom, fertility, womanhood, and empowerment… But I don't think everyone would have used her symbol so kindly. I'll have to be extremely careful if the Queen pays another visit to our town. She has some way to tell if someone is lying to her; if she asks about the Club, and she learns that they’ve returned… There won’t be any way to save them.

September Seventeenth, 1643.

The world had fallen to ruin, if only briefly. When I woke up after everything went to black, the world was still and quiet. Whatever had happened, it was sudden. The Club was gone, but, to my joy, so was Queen Somnia. I can finally speak again. I can finally speak clear, proper sentences again. I’ve been waiting for this day for over twelve long years. The first thing I said to my spouses when they came home early to see if I was okay was “I love you”. We… We wept and laughed in joy, just holding each other for hours. We had taken the rest of the day off, and just spent the day together, finally able to just talk without needing someone to translate my words anymore.

September Twentieth, 1643

I was making my daily rounds today, a grand weight lifted from my shoulders, when I heard a small commotion. Some of the children were playing in the fields like usual, but some of the adults were standing at the edge of the town, staring at something. I went to investigate, and I’m not too sure how to describe what I saw. At least, I wasn’t sure without drawing potentially unwanted comparisons. There was a man playing in the fields, running around with the children, but also using a cane to help support himself. He had long, wavy, silver hair, two pairs of arms, and clothes like other Wonderlanders, but some of the movements he made resembled those Twins that came from Underland. As if he wanted to move slightly further or slightly less, but couldn’t compromise with his body. I went over to greet him, and he stumbled, before turning to look at me. That smile he had was slightly disturbing, but I think what was most concerning to me were his eyes. Or rather, the lack of his eyes, hidden behind those colourful glasses he wore. I tried to shut it out; it was horrifically rude of me to judge him based on something that he clearly tried to negate with his glasses. 

The children ran to me, cheerful and happy as ever, and the man greeted me like I was an old friend. “Oh ho! It has been quite a long time since I’ve seen you, miss. Perhaps… Twenty five years? Maybe longer?” I opened my mouth to respond to him, but I don’t think he had many people to talk to. He was so excitable, and even I couldn’t help but be lost in his amazement at just… existing, I suppose. “Ah, it doesn’t matter. How are you, though? How have you been? I’ve been meaning to find the place you described to me, and now I’m here!” I… gently expressed my confusion, and after a small chat, I… I knew I wasn’t crazy. I knew that he wasn’t gone forever. That was Shard. Shard was standing right in front of me! He really was alive… or as alive as you could be, trapped under a curse for that long. Had it really been over twenty five years since I saw him? I’ll have to check.

I spent the rest of the day just talking with Shard, or Lucid as he preferred to be called now. It wasn’t a name he chose for himself, but it stuck, and he didn’t think he’d change it. He stumbled through the streets, even when Kamenshi came over to help him walk. Lucid was still taller than Shimi, but the support was deeply needed. A cane could only do so much for him, as we quickly discovered. I can’t imagine sitting down for so long, and even being able to walk or float ever again. And yet, here he was, walking, running, and just breathing in how life should have been for him. A life that the Ex-Queen Somnia had stolen from him. I will have to inquire how the Club had even defeated Somnia and how she was dethroned, but I think that might be a bit too soon to discuss. Perhaps at another date.

For now, Shard, Lucid, whatever his name will be, is alive, and I believe the guest bedroom will be occupied for some time.

September Twenty Fifth, 1643.

Something rather unexpected happened today. I had woken up today with a bit of a cold, and we’re out of medicine at the moment. Kaseki said the soonest she’ll be able to get some cold medicine is tonight, but it’s bad enough that I don’t think I’ll be able to go to work today. Lucid had caught wind of my ailment, and offered, chipper as ever, to take my place for the time being. I… attempted to persuade him to not take the offer. Even a calm day was still quite a lot of work, but he seemed up to the challenge. He clumsily let me know that the town was in safe hands. I kindly asked Galacta to keep an eye on him and to help him. I don’t want him to overwork himself or to do something that would take more than a small conversation to undo. I doubt it would get that far, but the chance is still there.

For now, I’m just sitting in bed, reading a few books, the fan on to keep the room decently cool, and a nice drink of warm water, lemon juice and honey to soothe my throat. Perhaps I can use today to continue more of my research, but I'll have to take more notes to make sure I actually remember anything. I’ve seen more than one instance of Lucid’s newfound clumsiness get him into more than a spot of trouble, but with no word from the Card Castle still, maybe we’ll finally get an easy going day for Lucid. He did say he was the Bishop of Underland, but I don’t think that Wonderland is the same, even back when our worlds were connected. So long as he tries his best and Gala is there, I should be able to rest easy.

Probably.

October Thirteenth, 1643.

When the wrath of the bloodstained moon bathes the sky and washes over the land, the nightmares that burned up our imaginations will come to flesh. All corners of the Divided Realities shall be consumed by The Lands Between. The Traitors and the Sinners will perish in the flames, and the Bystanders will be without hope. Our Judgement Day is arriving.

I have no recollection of writing this. Did I write it and pass out? Or did I write it in my sleep? I… I don’t even remember having a vision that could prompt this… I’ll have to get into contact with the Card Castle soon… As much as I despise that place… I need to speak with the new Queen. Wonderland is in more danger than I thought we were.

October Twentieth, 1643

The Club has returned again.

It’s… strange. Mama said that out of all of the Suits, the Club has always been the most mysterious and the least likely to be around for significant amounts of time. They primarily appear when the Divided Realities, as my… as my blackout vision described it, are in immediate danger, possibly even when they are close to complete destruction, and soon after the source of the problem has been removed, they disappear into the pages of myth once more. The history books are full of the first three suits, but the Club is barely present for more than two sentences. It’s… frustrating to say the least. It doesn’t help that there’s so much missing. I’ll have to ask the Jailer, Dero, about some of Wonderland’s past.

The trends that I’m finding are most interesting, though. The Heart is most often the ruler of Wonderland. The Spade is often a powerful Lord or Lady, sometimes at the right hand or even the consort to the Heart. The Diamond varies, but in times of unrest and war, is usually the first to rebel against the throne and even be the leader of a rebellion faction. And the Club, whenever they make themselves known, is often the mediator; the one to take control of all of Wonderland, even for a fraction of a second and even if they don’t know it, to ensure the future of Wonderland is in good hands. Perhaps there was a flaw in how they did it recently.

Lucid said the Club is a child; a young bluebird by the name of Fylass. He left to travel the world a few days after I recovered from my cold, and visited again briefly yesterday to return to Card Castle. I was able to ask him about the Club, and said “they are a troubled youth, but I’m sadly unaware if they are even alive anymore. If they are, it breaks my heart that they haven’t come back to say they’re okay.” I believe the current Club is the same one that assisted in dethroning Somnia… Speaking of Somnia, I haven’t heard of her since she was dethroned. Not even Lucid really had an answer as to where she disappeared to. While I’m curious… I can’t say I’m sympathetic. After all, she almost certainly made enemies in every village, town and district in Wonderland. I think the only choice she’d have now is to disappear completely; leave Wonderland to find some place that she could eventually call a home for herself again.

I just know it won’t be here.

-

Fylass in Wonderland belongs to @george228732

Aeon and Cresunsa belong to me

Queen Somnia belongs to @stardustshimmer

Shard/Lucid belongs to @lostsoulau-ask

Dero belongs to @monsterhatdoodles

[thehuntss]

AFTERMATH - HIGH FOR THIS 2/2

•

On the next day everyone is sober. But all of them could remember crystal clear one thing. How Hotch and Prentiss announced they were dating. And since they had their own fun, now it was the team's turn.

•

Hi guys !

As requested and because I felt like it wasn’t done yet, here’s part two.

Thank you so much for your support !

Hope you’ll enjoy <3

xx

When the BAU woke up on the next morning, everyone felt the same: dizzy.

At some point some of them considered that their state was likely close to sickness so they could call in and stay in bed.

“I feel like shit. What the hell happened yesterday?” Derek groaned, on the phone with Penelope who was literally feeling the same. “Can we call in sick ? I can’t get up.”

“Am I being dramatic if I tell you I was considering the same my chocolate god.” She replied, suddenly thirsty like if she had spend days in desert without any water. “My head is about to explode and I can’t even sit in bed because it’s moving like a carousel.”

“I know, mine didn’t stop either, or it’s the aftermath of the cookies.” He mumbled, wondering how he could work today in this state. Derek didn’t have more time to think that he heard a knock on his door. “Don’t hang up baby girl.” He told Garcia before standing up and making his way to his unfortunate guest.

What a surprise he had when he saw JJ on the other side. She looked happy, and the little smirk she had over her face made clear to him that she would tease him for the rest of the case. What made him feel better was to know the others weren’t much to envy.

“Good morning. Are you feeling better?” She gently asked, already knowing the answer. He sighted, letting Garcia knows that his cover was spotted and in conclusion, hers too.

“I feel like I���ve been crushed by a giant weed cookie. I don’t do drugs. And I don’t ever want this to happen again.” He groaned as she chuckled.

“Don’t worry it’s going to pass. And for your information the others are pretty much feeling like you. Rossi is wearing sunglasses in his bathroom, and Reid thought he was sleeping in a coffin.” She resumed.

“And the lovers ? I had my headphones on, just in case they wanted to do it again…” he grimaced, clearly remember his boss and his friend making out in he police station restroom.

“They are the last ones I have to wake up….”

He laughed, feeling suddenly happy not having to do that. “Good luck with them, you’ll probably find them all naked and I personally don’t want to see bossman’s ass.”

“You’re gross. Come on, do whatever you want but be ready we have to be at the station in 30 minutes.” She said before leaving, as he unmuted his phone. “You knew she was coming right?”

Penelope faked a sorry sigh, laughing at the desperation in her best friend’s voice. “I always thought bossman and Rossi were our parents, I guess JJ makes a good one too.”

“You’re the worst.” He groaned, heading to the shower. “Wheels up in 30!” Derek said in a perfect Hotch imitation, before hanging up.

•

When Emily opened her eyes she felt like she was about to die or something close from it. She had never do drugs before, even in her chaotic childhood. She was having the worst headache ever, even alcohol didn’t do the same damages on her brain. “What the hell happened yesterday?”

She tried to stir like Sergio, but her body was sore as hell and then she heard a soft knock on the door. She stood up - too quickly her head started to turn - and opened, wearing Aaron’s shirt. When she saw JJ standing on the other side she smiled.

“Good morning. How are you feeling ?” The blonde asked.

“Terrible, I hate cookies.”

“Hmmm you’re the fourth person telling me this today. Is Hotch awake ?” JJ asked, presuming they had been sleeping in the same room, like they secretly did for the past year.

She didn’t know what was the funnier. Emily’s confused face when she heard her or the way she definitely didn’t remember a word of their original announcement the day before.

“What?” Emily replied confused, not knowing why JJ was asking that.

“Hotch is here right ?” She pointed at his shirt on her. “I mean, if you’re dating it’s normal. We have to be at the station in 30 minutes and I wanted to make sure everyone was alive.” The brunette still looked confused and JJ added. “It’s his room, that’s why I asked.”

And then she saw the light illuminates her friend’s brain as she understood the meaning of the question, looking at her boyfriend shirt. “We are dat…what are you speaking about ?” She frowned her eyesbrows and then realized. “Oh..oh you mean Hotch. Like is Hotch sleeping here ? Yeah, yeah he’s almost awake, we’ll meet you all at the reception.”

She closed the door, for sure she was having a blackout on certains moments of the day before. Emily remembered eating the cookies and then it was only flash backs, kind of blurry. She smiled when she saw her handsome boyfriend still asleep, and all naked.“Get it together Emily, we don’t have time.”

“Honey?” she sat next to him, pressing soft kisses over his face, almost falling off the bed when he jumped out like he had seen the scariest psychopath ever.

“What…” he groaned, feeling like his head was about to explode. “Hi sweetheart.” He said when he realized she was next to him, dragging her back to bed in a loving embrace, taking time to kiss her. She chuckled, straddling him.

“Good morning. How are you feeling ?”

He looked less livid, that was a good point, and as an answer Aaron kissed her again. “You look so beautiful when you’re wearing my clothes.” He whispered, feeling desire burning his body. Without warning he unbuttoned his shirt, looking at those perfect breast of her. She was so beautiful, they were so beautiful. And Aaron suddenly felt very hungry, and definitely not for cookies.

His eyes locked on hers, studying her face, waiting. She gave an almost imperceptible nod, letting him know she wanted this so bad. His lips latched onto her nipple and he sucked her flesh into his hot mouth. She felt so good, he could never get rid of that taste.

Emily ’s hand shot up to grasp the back of his head as she groaned in pleasure. “Aaron” she breathed into the air above and he bit her nipple gently in reply, making her shiver. As his mouth was busy he made sure to not neglect her other breast, giving her the best treat.

Emily whimpered, and Aaron once again found himself addicted to that sweet sounds, she was giving herself to him, and these moments were priceless. He was so distracted by her that he didn’t notice Emily’s hand move until it wrapped around his erection, making his hips buck against her. “Jesus, fuck” he gasped, knowing that reaching his climax wouldn’t take long this morning.

She chuckled, and before he could do or say anything she sank down on his shaft, moaning as she took him fully inside, the slight usual burn making her even more happy. “Oh baby…” her eyes squeezing shut, and her breathing louder, he could see how much she was enjoying herself. He hadn’t move yet.

Suddenly gripping her waist, he gave a big thrust, making her scream before he could cover her mouth with his hand. The heat of her tight channel around his cock made him groan, the sensations of physical love overwhelming him.

“Faster baby, you feel so good…” she panted, her hands caressing all over his torso, her body all tensed.

He pounded even harder, one of his hand on her clit and he knew she was getting close. Aaron wanted to give her everything, that little push that would send her over the edge. The harder he touched her sensitive spot, the better she moaned, the sound of his hips against her echoing deliciously to their ears.

A last hard thrust of his hips and Emily shattered, a long moan escaping her throat before she bit her lip to quieten herself a bit. Aaron loved to make her scream like that, something he got addicted to since the day they discovered physical love. “Come with me honey….” she almost begged him, still on her climax and a few thrusts later he came as well, spurting into her his hot and sticky fluids, groaning.

“What are you doing to me Em….” He whispered, catching his breath as she lied down next to him her head resting over his sweaty torso.

“Showing you how much I love you.” She replied, and suddenly reality hit her back, realizing they were now VERY late. She jumped out, and he didn’t need explanation before following her the shower.

“I guess we don’t have time for another round in the shower ?” She teased him as the water started to pour on their heated bodies.

“Emily!” But he wasn’t mad, he was terribly in love with her.

•

David Rossi, JJ, Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid and Penelope Garcia were waiting in the hotel lobby, all of them wearing big sunglasses, four of them wanting to die. It was even worst than a hungover and none of them seemed to have recovered.

“I feel like my head is a volcano ready to burst.” Derek groaned.

“Mine already exploded.” Garcia replied, very sensitive to the noises surrounding her.

“They are late.” JJ stated as Rossi sighted.

“They are the god and goddess of the most delicious and naughtiest business.” Derek mumbled, giving Reid a malicious look.

“Please Morgan, I don’t want to ever remember this episode of my life, I still can’t erase their moans from my head.” The youngest complained, very much traumatized. “It’s so unlike of them, neither of them would have done it in a public place like a police station. It doesn’t make any sense, I can’t find the right explanation.”

“Because there’s none little genius.” Dave replied him, shrugging his shoulders. “Let’s just say you can’t find answers of everything in books, sometimes you just have to…let go?”

“So you’re saying they listened to the little devil on their shoulder ?” Derek said, looking suddenly very concerned. “Interesting, maybe I should do that more often.”

“You already do that often, remember all the times at the bar my sunshine?” Penelope yawned as she answered.

“Are you being jealous baby girl ?” He teased her.

“Never, because I’m the supremacy and no one can ever uncrown me. Remember that.” She chuckled with this bitchy look that always amused him.

And before he could say something else they saw Hotch and Emily arrived from the elevator, both of them surprisingly wearing sunglasses too.

“It’s about time. Let’s go to the SUV kids.” David said, standing up and greeting his friends. They all did the same with a small smirk over their faces, leaving Aaron and Emily confused.

•

First SUV - ACT 1 (Derek, Penelope, JJ and Emily)

“So.” Derek broke the silence in the car, turning to Emily. “Dating Hotch huh?”

All the expressions crossed her face, not really remembering what had happened the day before, but they obviously did because they were all looking at her with the same expression. “What are you talking about ?”

“Oh don’t play with me princess. You basically told us and worst, showed us that you and boss man really gets along.” He said, Penelope starting to laugh uncontrollably.

“What ??”

She still had no idea what they were talking about. JJ felt bad for her friend and decided to help her, teasing her a bit. “You don’t remember yesterday ?”

“We’ve had some cookies and then you locked us up in the conference room.”

“Yeah right, and then ?” JJ continued, smiling knowingly. “You went to the toilets when Morgan started to sniff the table…”

“Hey I wasn’t sniffing the table!” Morgan exclaimed, as Garcia laughed louder. “I was…checking on it.”

“Oh…you smell like love!” JJ imitated then looked at him. “That’s what you said to that damn table.”

“No sense.” He managed to say, trying to remember but without success. “Anyways, Prentiss went to the toilets, and then…princess ?”

The three of them turned their look on the brunette and as they insisted, she suddenly got hit and everything came back in her memories. And for the first time she felt horrified, having flashback of those damn restrooms and what they had done inside.

“Oh my god.” She said after a few seconds, slapping her forehead with the palm of her hand. “Did…we…”

“Yes.” They all answered at the same time, JJ frowning her eyebrows, Pen laughing. “And I think everyone at the station remembers it.”

Emily went livid, unable to say something else.

•

Second SUV - ACT 2 (Dave, Spencer and Hotch)

“So you and Emily ?” Dave told his long time friend, looking at him like the proud mentor he was.

The confused look over Aaron’s face made him chuckle, the man had no idea what he was talking about and that was the funniest. “You don’t remember right ?”

He shook his head, looking stern and the usually strict but Dave knew him, he was being intrigued. He cleared his throat, looking at Reid in the rear view mirror, the youngest was fixing his feet, definitely feeling embarrassed.

“What happened ?” Aaron asked, feeling more confused when he saw the way Reid was definitely not looking at him.

“Let’s just say you and Emily had more fun yesterday, beside of the cookies.” Dave started, trying to focus on the road. “You followed her when she went to the restroom and both of you came back in later with some nice hickeys on the neck if you know what I mean.”

Horror crossed Aaron’s face and then he realized, he had literally forgot this part, or his brain made him forget because it was embarrassing, or because he had been too high.

“We…” he slowly said, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose, not sure he wanted an answer.

“You did have sex in the restroom and we figured out because of the loud noises we could hear from the conference room.” Dave finished for him, unable to hide his smile, even more when he noticed how Spencer wanted to disappear off this damn car. “More horny than lovesick teenagers. You need to take a room or take some holidays and fuck everywhere you want but not at the police station.”

“Shut up Dave.”

He couldn’t say more, only his laugh friend ringing to his ear.

•

When the two SUV arrived at the station, both Emily and Hotch were livid, looking at the ground and going inside without saying a word. The rest of the team remained outside for a few minutes, JJ breaking the silence.

“How did it go for you?”

“I think we have something to tease them for the rest of our lives.” David chuckled. “And we also resolved the greatest case of the BAU.”

“I think they will never forget this, and if they do it’ll be my pleasure to remind them.” Derek added, his hands on his hips, too amused.

“And I think I’ll need some sleeping pills so Hotch and Prentiss will pay for it.”

They all turned to Reid, Morgan giving him a formal pat on the shoulder, all of them smiling. “Come on kids, our boss needs you.”

The horrified look on Spence’s face made them all burst in tears, Morgan clearing his throat before rectifying himself. “For your intellectual qualities genius boy.”

“I hate all of you. I changed my mind, you are all paying for my therapy.” He pointed his fingers at them, getting inside the same way Hotch and Prentiss did few minutes before.

“Welcome to the BAU.” David sighted. These kids were definitely going to kill him one day.

[electrasev5nwrites]

Ninja Daily: Vapors 72

“Are you sure that we should not end this genjutsu?” Sai gave what she imagined was a suspicious glare at a fat kitten happily lapping up milk outside the genjutsu house she’d led them to. It was probably indifference, but it made her snicker to think of him being angry with kittens. “It would simplify finding the entrance.”

“I’m sure. We don’t necessarily want this found by anyone else.”

Besides, it was fucking hilarious that Orochimaru or one of his people had gone to such ridiculous lengths to disguise their hideout. It just seemed… well, not very evil to go to the work of programming in happily gamboling kittens into their hidden lair’s defenses.

‘Maybe I was closer than I realized when I did my exercise trying to get into the mind of a madman. Orochimaru couldn’t have been all that bad if he liked fluffy animals.’

Aiko nibbled on her lower lip, scrunching her face up in thought. Something about that just wasn’t quite right.

‘That’s probably a dangerous thought. The fact that he had some human qualities doesn’t mitigate what a gigantic jackass he really was. That’s like making an apologia for Danzo. Sure, he probably didn’t start out nuts. In fact, it may well be true that he had permission to form Root and his real failure came when he refused to disband it after the war.’ She sniffed, tugging at her wig. ‘That says something sad about the slippery slope of ninja morality, I think. Yesterday you were performing a needed function, and then before you know it you’re attempting to take over the world and getting eyeballs put into your arm. It could happen to anybody, really.’

“What are you doing?”

“I’m thinking. Deep thoughts for deep people,” she replied absentmindedly, sniffing at the air and following the faint seeping of stale air. The trail led her to drop onto her knees, feeling around in the grass with her hands, digging her fingers into dirt and—She tapped again, feeling a lack of give beneath her.

“Hellooo,” she purred, scratching without care for the filth accumulating beneath her nails, bending back to fold her legs so that she rested with little weight on her elbows and could poke around and work with her hands without adjusting too much.

“You look ridiculous.”

“Don’t care.”

“Like a dog.”

“Woof,” Aiko shot back distractedly.

She wasn’t so dignified that she really cared about letting her ass hang in the air when there was snooping to be done. This was kind of fun, actually. Aiko forced down a sneeze, closing her eyes against the dust she was disturbing, but kept working. “I think this is a back entrance,” she informed unnecessarily. Sai wouldn’t have known the difference, but if this was really the entrance, it wouldn’t have been literally buried.

‘I’m so good that I found the super-hidden secret entrance,’ her mind crowed, doing the mental equivalent of a fist pump.

Her arm and shoulder muscles shook with the effort of prying up the trap door once she finally got her fingers around the edge. Thankfully, she’d managed to find the hinge side first at least, as demonstrated by the way that it wiggled a little. Sai bent by her side and forced his fingers under the door as well. It came up much more easily with two people working on it, hinging upwards with a horrible scraping sound.

Nose twitching, Aiko whipped her mask up and covered her face with her elbow to catch the three petite sneezes that welled up involuntarily at the rust particles that tickled her nose.

“That hasn’t been opened in a long time,” she wheezed a little, backing away slightly and shaking her head. Ugh. This was the worst part of training as a scent tracker. You were much more sensitive to problems like that. She got the sense that Sai was growing impatient, so she hurriedly enjoyed the sensation of wind on her face for a moment before she dutifully pulled her mask back down and took one final sniff over the entrance. “Looks like a straight drop. There’s only one thing to do, then.” Her companion straightened in alarm, but she was already jumping agilely into the opening, arms curled in front of her chest and legs bent to soften her landing.

The preparation was unnecessary. The entrance was low enough overhead that she could leap up unassisted. That made sense, if this was really an emergency exit of some sort. She saw a blur, and then Sai was straightening at her side.

Alarmed, she looked up in time to see that the trap door had slammed shut, leaving them in complete darkness. Aiko fidgeted. Probably should have seen that coming. “Well, we’ll find another way out,” she sighed. “Keep an eye out. There’s bound to be some sort of lighting system down here. The electricity might still be running, since any generator in the water won’t have been disabled as far as we know. Even if it’s not, there’s going to be something we can light.”

Her words might have been prophetic, because feeling her way along the wall revealed a light switch. ‘Much better.’

It was a bit dim, but the light led her to another switch, and another, and the combined light sources gave a clinical brightness to the facility they found themselves in.

Their entrance had been in a storage area. Gingerly, Aiko pulled up sheets and tugged open boxes, but all that she found was uninteresting to her.

The lab equipment was probably forbiddingly expensive, but she didn’t even have the knowledge to imagine what half of it was for. Aiko heaved a put-open sigh. “There’s bound to be something more interesting around here.” Sai wordlessly set down the machine he’d been examining and followed her out into the hallway they’d already lit. With a shrug, she turned to the left. Without knowing the layout, all she could do was guess and check every doorway.

“Jackpot?” she asked sarcastically when the second door they opened turned out to be a laboratory of some sort.

“Poisons research,” Sai confirmed blandly, carefully not touching any of the dusty beakers. “I imagine all this was abandoned when Orochimaru died and his replacement apparently decided to commit his efforts to war instead.”

“Probably for the best.” Dust swirled around her ankles as she searched the area. “Records would be nearby so they could use them, right?”

He wasn’t a medic nin of any sort either, so Sai’s guess wasn’t any better than hers. The first two doors were supply closets, but the third revealed a small office of some sort with a bookshelf full of notes, organized by experiment number.

Aiko pulled open the first of her prepared scrolls while Sai handed her reports, sealing the largest piles that she could into each individual seal in the scroll. It would be too ridiculous to set it so that an entire library flew out into Danzo’s face when he tried to open it, but she was hardly about to spend the time sealing each notebook individually.

‘It would be funny to have this literally explode in Danzo’s face, but I’ll have to settle for it doing that figuratively.’

If she saw something that she wanted, she would take it. If she saw something that was too dangerous to allow in Danzo’s hands, she would destroy it. But he didn’t have the facilities to carry on these types of experiments, and they were a bad thing to be caught holding. Having them in his possession would prove to Tsunade that he had been involved with Orochimaru.

Danzo actually had been involved with the criminal, of course. Orochimaru had been the one to give him his Sharingan implants. No one else from Konoha could have done such a thing, aside from Tsunade, who would have remembered giving Danzo unethical augmentation surgery. But it would be salt in the wound for Tsunade. At this point, Danzo deserved what he would get.

When that library was cleared out, they closed the door behind them and carried on. The next few areas were useless to them, either small training facilities or barracks. Clearly, living conditions had been less than fabulous under Orochimaru. The nearby kitchen was a mess. Someone had abandoned it without doing the dishes.

Sai caught her twitch towards the sink. His amusement was enough to remind her to steel herself. Since she couldn’t clean the filth, Aiko instead hurried out of the room, eager to turn her back on the unpleasant mess.

An oversized set of doors led down a hallway with only one suite of rooms attached. It was of far higher quality than the other rooms seen so far, clearly designed for comfort. Aiko ran the pads of her fingers along the blue sheets to confirm that they were indeed silk.

“Orochimaru appears to have had a taste for the finer things in life,” she remarked blandly, wiping the dust off onto her pants.

“Over here.” She flickered to Sai’s side with a reflexive Hiraishin. Luckily he hadn’t been looking at her when she accidently displayed that she had tagged him. The small office attached to the bedroom was enough to occupy his attention.

It was nice, but functional. Aiko had to wince at the seven bookshelves and chose to poke through the desk first. “Nice pens.” She tossed the writing implements onto the floor and tugged out the false bottom in the flat drawer, surreptitiously tagging it with a seal as she let it drop. ‘Might need a quick escape later. If push comes to shove, I can find the trap door from here and blast it open.’ The drawer hit the ground with a clatter that Sai no doubt disapproved of, but it wasn’t as if they had to hide the signs of their presence. If anyone was around they would kill them. If no one was around, then the only ones who would see would be the Root operatives that would no doubt follow up on their mission to secure the area as a safehouse.

“Boring.” She set the financial reports she’d found back down to free up her hands to open another sealing scroll, stuffing them inside. May as well bury Danzo in paperwork.

Aiko glanced at titles as she hastily stored the rest of the available materials, scanning for anything of interest. Her mind was nearly numb when she first encountered the first thing that piqued her interest. Without missing a beat, she unrolled a fourth scroll and sealed the jutsu scroll inside as if she’d merely run out of room in her last one or was making another sorting categorization.

Sai wasn’t paying attention to her anyway, busy as he was indiscriminately dumping the contents of his own bookcase into a scroll. The lack of finesse brought a smile to her face.

‘I hope Danzo likes having an entire library leap up and smack him in the face.’

The word Uchiha caught her eye. Proof about Danzo’s involvement in the massacre, perhaps? Aiko scanned the document… and felt sick to her stomach.

‘Wow, I’m glad Orochimaru died when he did.’ She swallowed hard, face pale. ‘He must have had excellent spies in the hospital. I don’t think that anyone was told about her.’

There was the option of putting it into the scroll she meant to steal. But there was always the chance that Sai would confront her and she would be forced to hand that scroll over. This absolutely could not fall into Danzo’s hands.

Without swiveling to see if Sai was looking, she crumpled the paper in her hands and lit it on fire with the spark jutsu meant to start campfires.

“Washboard?”

She glanced at her curious companion and continued working without a word. Let him make of that what he would. She couldn’t risk bringing proof to Danzo that there was more than one Uchiha in Konoha. Sasuke would never forgive her, even if she could stomach the thought of letting Danzo get his claws on another child.

Sai might tell Danzo… but what would he say? That she burnt a paper he didn’t see? He would be conflicted. It could have been unimportant, and he wouldn’t want her killed over potentially nothing, when the information was gone already.

After that, her comrade kept a closer eye on her. She didn’t avoid using the scroll that she meant to take. It would be more suspicious than likely to help her. Reports on Danzo himself, other people that Orochimaru had determined to be of interest, and a couple other jutsu scrolls that Orochimaru must have picked up after leaving Konoha went into her scroll. Every time that Sai turned around she switched out more scrolls, moving their positions and adding new ones to ensure that he couldn’t know she was putting books of interest in one scroll or even how many she was using. When her scroll hit capacity, she slipped it into her hip pouch and kept going. Anything of interest she found after that would have to go to Danzo.

He ended up getting a few jutsu scrolls, but that was fine. Orochimaru was famous for attempting to learn all possible jutsu, so it made sense that he would have had reading material of that sort in every hideout he had a room. Danzo might have actually been suspicious if none of that had come in what he received. Luckily, she didn’t see anything that looked particularly close to what she wanted to keep out of Danzo’s greedy paws.

For the moment, she didn’t care if Danzo managed to make his Root stronger by setting up footholds in Orochimaru’s old bases. He could gather up all the useless data he wanted, waste his time trying to piece through Orochimaru’s paperwork and further implicate himself with sensitive information for all she cared. Given opportunity, he would probably overextend himself and damage his own ability to counter her or Tsunade by distracting himself.

What she didn’t want was for him to improve his position. Orochimaru was the kind of man who would have plenty of useful contacts, many of whom would have been obtained through leverage like blackmail. He had certainly kept such information on Danzo, though she couldn’t hope to confiscate that. The Root commander would be looking for it.

She’d done what she could to prevent him from gaining more leverage, though. It would have to be enough. The filled documents went into her hip pouch and the little knapsack that Sai carried, leaving them little room for anything else.

“We’ve found more than I anticipated.” Aiko frowned worriedly at the empty room. “That was probably the most important cache, but if there’s more, we’ll have to come back for it. I only have one more scroll, and it’s half-full.”

“We shall have to return. Danzo-sama will be pleased.”

Her lips thinned. “Yes, he will,” she agreed blandly. “Let’s find our way out.”

Since the path they’d initially taken had come to a dead end with Orochimaru’s quarters, they backtracked all the way to the first hallway and continued on. Barracks, washroom, office, lounge… Aiko stopped, sniffing the air like a hound.

“Is something wrong?”

“I smell fresh air,” she confided lowly, a hand twitching towards the hilt of her blade.

Sai seemed puzzled. “Is that not a good thing?”

She shook her head, turning her stride into a silent prowl that hugged the edges of the hall. “It would be far fainter if the entrance was sealed. Someone else has been here.” Her quiet tones seemed to put him on guard as well. The warning her senses had provided were invaluable, because the other shinobi stalking the halls were silent as well, chakra signatures obscured by one of their party members. There was a moment of silence when the first man turned the corner of the corridor ahead of them, his eyes widening as if in slow motion.

‘Rock shinobi,’ her mind catalogued at the sight of his unscratched headband. It was kill or be killed. Even if their countries had been allies, there was a good chance that they would try to kill her to protect this potential resource.

His mouth was opening and a smaller foot had just appeared around the corridor when she was already tossing the sole Hiraishin kunai she had packed at his gut. He dodged to the side, but she’d already snatched her weapon out of the air and stabbed deeply into his kidney, fiercely tearing a four inch gouge towards his spine and pulling it out even as she moved to hit the woman who had followed him around the turn.

The kunoichi reflexively blocked, but it only took a touch for Aiko to plant a trapped seal on her forearm and rubber band past her to the—oh lord, there were three more of them. The first man was heavily wounded, but she and Sai would have to take the rest of them down fast and hard. Sai was suddenly at her side parrying an oversized blade coming in from above as a tall shinobi swung it off his back, so Aiko ducked down under and broke free of the cluster to flip around with a leap that left her hanging in the air for a moment.

The two men at the back were turning to face her. One of them didn’t have a rock headband at all. A Sound traitor who’d led them here, perhaps? A good sign that Rock couldn’t find this on their own. When this team never returned, management would assume that they’d been betrayed by the outsider.

The woman she’d tagged earlier had dropped to her knees to lay green glowing hands on her wounded teammate. The medic, then.

The analysis only took a moment.

‘This seems like an excellent time to try that old idea.’ Aiko gave an involuntary grin as she holstered her kunai, stretching her lips wide to bare her teeth even as she reached out and violently snapped the array tentatively holding her recently planted Hiraishin seal together.

Her victim’s arm exploded like she’d dipped it in C4, ripping apart the medic’s other arm, her face, and the back of the man she was trying to heal. Blood and organ spatter coated the walls and the backs of the four men in the hallway.

‘It works!’ She let out a loud laugh, tapping down on the floor and shooting forward to duck back into the mob. ‘Whoa. That was more impressive than expected. That means I only have to touch someone once in order to end them.’

“You bitch!” the tallest man shrieked, white-eyed and furious. He abandoned his fight with Sai to turn towards her, ready to pull his sword free and bring it in a clothesline twist to cut her in half. It was a mistake. The other Root agent slipped his short sword from under the man’s oversized weapon and cut out his throat in a flash, pulling it out and zipping in to slice through his torso three times before the corpse fell like the lump of flesh it was.

Aiko had already been distracted exchanging blows with the two survivors before the third casualty hit the floor, pushed back. Frantically, she swerved and stepped around two different sets of blows. If she’d had the time, she would have been thanking every kami for her speed. The first man was wielding what looked like Sarutobi Asuma’s short chakra enhanced blades. He must have been a wind user as well, because backing away from the first blow that came too close wasn’t enough to avoid the hit.

“Ah!” She bent over involuntarily, one arm curling around her torso to protect it from further damage, using her left to deflect the next blow and quick-stepping backwards to gain some distance. Most of the technique had scraped ineffectually across her armor, but the edge had sliced into her side and bit into her back when she’d twisted to back away.

This was bad. She was blooded, and she couldn’t tell what exactly had been damaged until she had a moment to examine it. The more that she moved, the faster that she would bleed. It was also likely to exacerbate the damage.

‘I have to end this, now, or I’ll be dead.’ Aiko gritted her teeth against the pain and caught the next arm that entered her personal space, ignoring the ugly slice the wind blade gouged into her arm, nearly sending a huge flap of skin flopping off and exposing muscle tissue. Her fingers lightly squeezed his wrist in reflexive reaction to the pain, but she’d already set the explosive seal on the top of his arm where her fingers almost met her thumb. Big wrists. She leapt away, letting the force rip her hand off his arm since she couldn’t quite communicate with her muscles to adjust her grip, and detonated her new explosive toy with less force than last time to save her own limbs.

The unmarked shinobi was left blinking at the stub where his arm had been, mouth gaping. His last companion was already closing the distance. She pulled her short blade off her back to block his blow—but let her arm fall so that the blade nearly touched the floor.

There was no point. Sai had already severed his head and swung around to stab his blade into the one-armed man’s back and drag it slowly down to his hip. Stupidly, he blinked down at the tip protruding from his stomach before his knees gave out.

In the sudden quiet, Aiko noticed for the first time that she appeared to be leaking red liquid at an alarming rate. Mildly concerning.

“Are you alright?”

“I’d be better if he hadn’t lost control of his bowels,” Aiko reflexively joked back, before tentatively trying to straighten. She cringed, losing hold of her own blade and nearly wobbling to her knees. White pressed against her vision. “I’ve been better,” she allowed after a moment, painstakingly sheathing her blade on her back again. Now that she’d stopped fighting for her life… “I think I need medical attention. I don’t suppose you have a field medicine kit?” she asked dryly, trying and failing to twist to see the wound. She ended up running her fingers over her wound to examine it as best as she could without a mirror. “I don’t carry one.”

Cold fingers gently pulled apart her ripped shirt to peer at the exposed skin around her armor’s fasteners. “No. I am not certified.”

“I take it I’m not about to die?” Aiko asked dryly when it seemed that he wasn’t going to offer comment on his own.

“It’s not deep. Perhaps an inch or so at the entry point. Can you make it to a more secure location?” Sai hovered at her side uncertainly.

‘I have to.’

Aiko nodded and awkwardly held her flesh together, steeling herself to continue walking. If she’d managed to fight, she could keep moving. The group they had encountered had apparently just entered the facility, making it easy to trace their way out to the source of the fresh air and faint light. They’d been in the darkness for longer than she had realized. It was evening.

“We’re a fifteen minute run from the small village,” Sai informed unnecessarily, hand twitching to her shoulders.

The girl shook her head, considering their situation as best as she could. “We can’t go there. If those guys have back-up, they’ll be there.”

“You cannot run two hours to the other town, and I cannot carry you that far,” Sai protested, actually managing to sound somewhat upset. “Use your Hiraishin to return to Konoha for medical attention.”

‘He must be upset to think that’s a viable solution.’

“I can’t explain this,” Aiko said dryly, gesturing to her Root uniform and injuries with her free hand. “This uniform would raise questions, but so would showing up naked, our other option. Are there medics in Root?” As if it would help, she pushed her mask up onto the top of her head. After a moment, Sai copied her.

“There are, but getting to one in such a condition will be a problem as well.”

“Well, we don’t have much choice.” Aiko sighed, rubbing a hand over her face and inadvertently smearing blood where she touched. “C’mere. I’ll take us to my apartment. Just… give me a moment to catch my breath.”

Tsunade might have been right about the initiative to put a medic of some level on every team, but it wasn’t a good time to complain about lost opportunity. She sure as hell wasn’t going to end up stuck as a medic. Generally speaking, it was a career ending move, or would at least reduce her to a support position. Fuck that shit.

A flicker of unpleasantly familiar chakra buzzed at her consciousness like an irritating insect when her comrade moved in close to steady her, and she moved to brush the feeling away. Slowly as she was moving, Sai was able to move back before her fingers lightly connected with his jaw and gave her an odd look.

‘That was weird.’ Aiko blinked quickly, trying to clear her head. ‘Blood loss, or did I actually feel something? I thought it was…’ Comprehension dawned. ‘I think I was sensing Danzo’s chakra signature in his Root seal. Kami only knows I should be familiar with it by now.’

Not something she really had the faculties to ponder right then. “Alright, hold on.” It took more effort than usual to reach out and pull on the seal in her bedroom, but she got them there. Sai looked a bit ill at the long trip, but dutifully lurked until she managed to semi-steadily walk to her couch.

“How do we get a hold of a medic?” she asked, still holding onto Sai with slightly more force than was entirely dignified.

“We don’t. I will.”

Rudely, she blew a raspberry at her comrade, but didn’t complain while he left. The scroll that was for her personal use was almost immediately hidden between her couch cushions and the others juggled so as to obscure the fact that the pouch should have one more. Hopefully, even if someone snuck around, they would discount such a stupid hiding place. She should have stayed awake to wait for the medic, but it just wasn’t happening. Exhausted by a combination of blood loss, strain, and lack of sleep, Aiko tugged her mask completely off and easily drifted off into a state of bare consciousness, only waking when the door opened to show that Sai had returned with a rather large person.

“Oh, for the love of-” Aiko scowled, putting her hands on her hips. “You.”

Sai blinked and looked between her and Shou. “Is there a problem?”

‘Color me surprised. He didn’t strike me as a medic at all. What doesn’t this guy do?’ Turquoise eyes narrowed at a rather uncomfortable-looking Boar. There wasn’t any point in ticking off her medic, however. “Not at all.”

Sai perched on the back of the couch and watched the medic work, working around the clothes that he could and removing those he couldn’t, namely the chest plate. He was actually pretty good as a healer, all things considered, even if he did do a poor job of hiding his surprise when she pulled up her hair and inadvertently revealed her somewhat indecent tattoo of Tsunade.

“You’re a brave woman,” he commented idly, running a cool hand over her open wound with a tickle of chakra that she could tell was repairing internal damage, lacing together cells.

‘Captain has a matching one,’ she thought about saying. But it would be pretty unsporting to sell him out, even if nothing ever came of it.

Boar left as quickly as possible. It was impossible to see her back, but the ugly mess of her arm had been reduced to a silvery, near-invisible scar at the entry point. That boded well.

“Help me get out of this? I’d like to not wallow in bloody clothes.” She’d probably rubbed a quarter cup of blood into her couch as it was. The stink was going to linger. Sai moved to pull her ruined top the rest of the way off, clinically pulling off the untouched glove to join the ruined one Shou had removed to heal her arm on the table. “Yeah, thanks. I can get the rest on my own,” she demurred when he gave a rather hopeless look to her ANBU pants.

It would have been a massive pain to struggle with getting a shirt over her head from her seated position, but she could take care of pants. Cute as he was, she didn’t particularly want to sit around in just her underwear, even if he was clinical about seeing her in her bra. The pants weren’t cut or nearly as saturated with fluids. Changing may have been stupid when she would have to redress in a minute to go report, but showing up to report to Danzo covered in her own blood with half her back and waist exposed under a wrecked shirt reeked of vulnerability. A uniform wasn’t much of armor against him, but it was better than nothing.

“Washboard? Why did you destroy evidence back at that base?”

Tiredly, she glanced up at him through her eyelashes. “I suppose it would be too much to hope that you’d forgotten.” Aiko licked her lips, dehydrated but uninterested in going in search of a drink while she searched for words. She settled for honesty. “I was protecting someone precious to me.”

Sai’s eyes narrowed. “Someone… precious?” he asked slowly, uncertainly, sounding lost.

“Danzo-sama…” That wasn’t a good start, so she cleared her throat to try again. “I don’t like the way he trains and treats his operatives,” she admitted. “Konoha needs an organization like Root to compete with other villages, but there’s no reason to treat his people so poorly. He’s wrong about a lot of things.”

Dumbsmacked, Sai let his lips open slightly. He blinked twice. “I… see.”

“Do you?” she countered, seriously curious. She’d laid her cards out. If she had misjudged him, this would end badly for her.

“I…” He licked his lips. “I.” Obvious distress appeared on his normally opaque features. With the air of a tortured confession, the teen opened his mouth and let it hang for a moment. “I have had… concerns.” Utterly miserable, Sai curled a hand into a fist. “Differences of opinion,” he clarified, in a way that really didn’t clarify much of anything.

Her heart melted a little bit. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He seemed to be weighing her up. “I had a brother once.” As if that explained everything that needed to be said, he stalked off into the kitchen.

Aiko blinked at the back of his head. ‘Well, that was cryptic.’

His voice seemed returned to normal when he spoke again over the faint sound of water running. “Do you need assistance getting re-dressed? We must report.” He appeared again and handed her a glass of water, as if ordering her to ameliorate her blood loss by rehydrating.

Out loud, she said, “Would you go grab a replacement shirt from my room? I want to wash up as best as I can.” Aiko drained the water with speed that would have given a medic apoplexy and walked to the bathroom with more effort than was usually required, eager to scrub up the worst of the crust on her arms and torso. Sai had appeared in the doorway with a new shirt as she was tossing two ruined green washcloths into the trash can. “Thanks.” With a grimace, she pulled the shirt on quickly, as if ripping a bandaid. Boar was definitely no Tsunade, or even Sasuke, and she was definitely going to be even more sore in the morning.

Impatient, Sai tucked her chestplate against her torso and circled her back to secure it himself while she fixed her wig and mask.

‘That water was a good idea. I feel a bit steadier.’

Still queasy, though, but that might have been because she was about to go report to a man who had already done her harm with a comrade who was clearly wavering on which one of them he wanted to do right by. If Sai told Danzo that she had destroyed something important, he might kill her on the spot. She was fast, but he was canny.

If she died in Root, there would be no justice for her. Tsunade couldn’t acknowledge that association. She would simply disappear, or Danzo would create the impression that she’d died on duty or ran off.

Aiko took a deep breath, ignoring the quaver, and set out the door with her head held high.

They ran through the village as if they owned the place since hiding would be more suspicious in the light, blending in with a patrol at one point and having to exchange credentials. Obviously, she gave them her root verifications and not her regular or ANBU verifications. The information was all valid, but for an imaginary solder Danzo had put into the system with paperwork magic. Memorizing three sets of credentials was annoying, though.

After a while, she realized that they weren’t headed anywhere she recognized from her Root forays. In fact, they appeared to be heading to one of the upper scale residential districts.

‘Are we going directly to Danzo’s home?’ She scoffed at her own foolishness. Of course he didn’t lurk in tunnels at all hours. It would be idiotic to just start checking meeting rooms. This meeting was unplanned, so of course he hadn’t made an appointment and summons.

That lapse was enough to drive home that she was far from at her best state and prepared to match wits with the man who held her life in his wrinkled claws.

‘This meeting could go badly enough even if I wasn’t affected by blood loss,’ Aiko thought bitterly. ‘Either I have poor luck, or the gods are with Danzo.’

There was no mistaking the presence lingering and seeping from the inside of a conventional-looking home. Aiko belatedly resisted moving a hand towards her head, by now associating his chakra with pain. Sai’s white mask swiveled to survey her for an instant as if he’d caught the twitch and wondered what it meant, but he led the way in through a back entrance. “Tell Danzo-sama that we are here for a debriefing,” he quietly instructed the woman who came to greet them. From her graceful movements, she was a shinobi as well, and probably accustomed to those requests.

Aiko did her best not to look around at the surroundings with curiosity—or at least, not to let on that was what she was doing. If she had no other options, she might find herself creeping down these halls one day, and knowing the floor plan could only be beneficial.

Such a home invasion wouldn’t be her first choice, especially since the area she was led to was clearly unconnected to his personal quarters. They knelt with bowed heads to give their report in a small office, but she would bet any amount of money that there was nothing of real import in this room.

Excepting, of course, the documents she and Sai held in their possession.

“Am I to assume that you are successful?”

“We located-”

“Not you,” Danzo snapped at Sai’s soft murmurs, cutting him off briskly. “I assigned the other agent leadership.”

‘What the fuck? That’s strict chain of command for such an arbitrary assignment. Is he testing my leadership capabilities?’

Bleakly, Aiko began. As she spoke, the woman from earlier carried in a tea tray with a single cup and set it beside Danzo before backing out silently. “We located the former facilities at coordinates marked on the map given us for the mission. Inside we found and retrieved information in a laboratory and what appeared to have been an office maintained for Orochimaru’s personal use, enough to exhaust our storage capabilities. Inside the base, we encountered and eliminated five hostiles, four of whom bore Rock identifications. I have left a seal so that we may return at a future date, and can provide a partial sketch of the layout.”

“Rock…” Danzo mused, sounding not pleased at all. “I see. They grow bold indeed.” After a sigh, he switched topics. “What type of information did you retrieve?”

“Medical reports on several hundred experiments and subjects, financial data from Sound’s administration, several-”

“That’s enough. Give them to me.” Aiko rose just enough to unzip her hip pouch and lay out six scrolls onto his desk. At her side, Sai extracted a pile of his own and set them beside hers. Danzo picked one up and briefly examined it, rubbing a dry thumb over the soft material as if inspecting for defects. “I see. Agent codenamed Sai, have you come to a decision on your junior agent’s performance?”

Her heart stopped. ‘Well,’ she thought with a tinge of irony, ‘this explains why I was put in charge. Danzo was giving me rope to strangle myself with.’ Unavoidably, her muscles tensed. If Sai was going to sell her out… She could flee to Kakashi and beg him to escort her to Tsunade immediately, tell her that the mission was a bust and they needed to make a move on Danzo now, that her extraction was unavoidable or cover was blown and-

“She performed admirably,” Sai murmured, not raising his head. "in both a position of command and in locating the premises without assistance. Her combat is also passable. I recommend full instatement.”

“Humph,” Danzo grunted noncommittally, leaning forward slightly to examine her with a rheumy eye. “Very well, then. You may leave.” Aiko lingered awkwardly—he was definitely just indicating Sai, but he hadn’t talked to her alone since the first meeting. “Have a seat.”

It felt like a trick, but she did as she was told, pressing her knees together to keep them from shaking. The swell of his chakra was bothering her so much that it seemed insane that she had never noticed it this way before. It felt sick, bloated, tainted. He was very ill, though whether she was registering a physical or mental illness impossible for her to discern. She would never forget it. It might be that she was developing better senses or just that she was overly familiar with his in particular, but it left a bad taste in her mouth.

“Calm yourself, child. I do not bite.”

‘Oh, we’re back to the grandfather routine?’

Danzo seemed to use classic abuser tactics, though whether or not he realized that was up for debate. He engendered intense feelings like loyalty or affection, would give praise, and then likely remove his approval later like he seemed to be doing to Sai, making him desperate to work for stingily rewarded praise. It was a vicious cycle, but a very persuasive one.

‘I hate him. I hate this man. He’s awful.’

Outwardly, she relaxed her muscles obediently and kept a faint smile plastered on her face under her mask, as if he could see it. He might, for all that she knew.

“You are young,” he began, as if imparting great wisdom. “Let me tell you about true strength. It is the way of a shinobi to break emotional attachment, for emotions lead to weakness in character and judgment.”

‘Thanks for the lecture, grandfather time. This is like the inverse of Kakashi’s philosophy,’ she noted with wary amusement, not letting herself dwell too deeply on his words. They couldn’t convince her if she didn’t listen. ‘I’m getting the Danzo version of ‘welcome to the team, let’s get to know each other’, I think’.

“Shinobi serve the village, working for the betterment of the most people and not selfishly clinging to the welfare of a few. Passion only begets pain,” the old man stressed firmly, fingers turning white as he clutched a small wooden token she couldn’t quite make out.

‘My name is Danzo’, she mocked internally, pulse jumping. ‘My hobby is lurking and coming up with new ways to put the ‘fun’ in ‘orphan’. My dislikes are free will and the creeping realization that I am inferior to my old friend Sarutobi in every way. Also strawberry mochi.’

“And that pain will lead you down the path of revenge. It is no wise thing to form attachment, Aiko. When you live as long as I have, you see many comrades die. But those deaths are only a tragedy when they are wasted because of unwise attachments that cloud judgment.”

Making fun of him was getting a bit harder, because something he was saying was resonating.

“Do you understand, child?”

“Hai, Danzo-sama.”

His head seemed to shake slightly, but his eye was perfectly bright and clear when he pinned her with a piercing stare. “Take heed of my words, and learn from the examples of others.” He took the single cup of tea and tipped it up to his mouth for a leisurely sip, closing his eye. “Your codename will be Sakura.”

Her heart stopped. Everything stopped. But Danzo kept talking as if he hadn’t just done the conversational equivalent of shoving an ice pick in her head.

“I hear you have been involved in diplomatic missions with both the Kazekage and the Mizukage. I would like a full report on their personalities and habits delivered to me when next I summon you. Excluding tomorrow, of course.”

“Hai, Danzo-sama,” came the wooden reply from her mouth. It seemed as if someone else was operating her body. It was trembling beyond her control.

“Very good then, Sakura, my girl.” Slowly, the old man stood and shuffled to the door. He stood there for a moment. “One more thing. I made a small timing error in assigning you a five day mission. The monthly meeting with the large council is the day after tomorrow. I hope that you will make it.”

The casualness in that statement rang false, but she couldn’t bring herself to care that he’d been planning to keep her from any possible political influence until he’d determined her worth.

His kimono rustled lightly on the ground as he trailed out like a snake in the grass, but her limbs were frozen with lactic acid. It took a tremendous effort to will herself to stand and make her way out of the building.

‘That code name wasn’t an accident,’ Aiko realized numbly. ‘He’s making a point. Sakura…’ She gave a choked laugh, mindless of where she was. ‘Is he saying I got her killed because I was too attached to Naruto? How could he possibly know I had any recourse to affect that outcome?’

Cold, hard logic sank in, but provided no comfort this time. No. He had been making another argument. He had been careful to wait to give her a code name until he had been at a certain position in the conversation, after having detailed how misplaced emotions were often a cause of weakness and death. Danzo had meant that to be a bitter blow, no doubt about it, a warning to harden her heart, but he had been making the claim using what he would think was an example she would be familiar with of a stupid, pointless death.

Danzo had been claiming that Sakura had gotten herself killed because she had tried to save Sasuke, and that she was the epitome of a weak shinobi Aiko should strive to be separate from.

That was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Sakura had been… soft, yes. She had been everything that a man like Danzo would hate. But she hadn’t been weak. She must have been so scared that day, and rightly so. A hundred highly trained shinobi would have frozen in her place. It hadn’t been weakness that had drawn her into a fight she couldn’t win, against ludicrous odds. She’d been trying to protect someone she cared deeply for. That wasn’t weakness.

And if it was weakness to try to keep your loved ones safe even when you can’t see a chance for success, this wasn’t a world Aiko wanted to live in. So it couldn’t be true.

“Where are you going?”

Aiko blinked, registering that she was outside. That was Sai. Sai had waited outside for her… and she could feel Danzo’s chakra clinging to him like a parasite, leeching off of his health and sanity and free will.

A shudder wracked her body, but the feeling of revulsion fled when Sai tentatively brushed his fingers against her shoulder. His chakra. She just had to concentrate on his chakra and keep herself grounded. “Pardon my lapse,” she managed jerkily. “I was in thought.”

He stared. She couldn’t see it, but she could feel it.

“I would like to talk to you,” he settled cautiously.

‘Right,’ she remembered, gratefully latching onto the distraction and trying to focus on that. ‘He just saved my skin. He will probably want to be sure he made the right choice.’ She managed a weak smile before remembering it couldn’t be seen anyways. “My apartment, then?”

“That would be acceptable.”

Aiko barely noted the trip home, pushing her door open and crawling mindlessly onto her bed with her full gear on, boots included. She positioned herself with her back to the wall, knees defensively pulled up and a pillow to her chest.

“Washboard?”

Oh. She blinked up at him, pushing her mask up and noticing vaguely that her palm brushed a strange wetness on her cheek as she did so. “Hai, Sai-kun?” Her mild tone seemed to unnerve him further, but she couldn’t imagine why.

Visible hesitation was written in his muscles, but Sai slowly removed his own mask and gently took hers off her head, laying them both on her bedside table. “May I ask why you are upset?”

It wasn’t like her at all to share what was really going on in her head without carefully planning and packaging the words for her audience, but she was too tired for that now. “He gave me my code name,” Aiko confided blandly. “Sakura.”

He looked mildly concussed. It was probably his version of confusion.

“That’s the name of a genin I got killed,” she explained conversationally. “Naruto and Sasuke’s teammate. Sweet girl.”

If it were possible to him to scream the words, ‘I feel trapped and uncomfortable and do not know how to rectify this unpleasant sensation without violence, but I sense that killing you is not the appropriate answer’ without words, that would be the best way to sum up the conflict written in the way that he carefully did not breathe or twitch. It was like he expected her to pounce, or start sobbing.

“I hate him. He fucks with my head. Did I tell you he used a genjutsu on me, the first time I met with him? I found out a few days ago. It’d been affecting my behavior.” The words just wouldn’t stop coming, bland and factually impersonable. Was this what it was like to be Naruto? What it was like to be honest and open? It was awful. “It hadn’t been meant to come off. Either he thinks I’m disposable and doesn’t mind damaging me, or he didn’t know what he was doing. I’d already begun experiencing migraines, inability to sleep, and personality changes. Was that the point?”

“Washboard, stop.”

She stopped.

Tentatively, Sai sat down on the bed, keeping a careful distance and a nonthreatening posture.

‘I want a hug,’ she realized with open misery. ‘A hug and someone to tell me it’s going to be better.’ Sai was far too broken for that. He was making huge changes as a person, growing and evolving and doubtlessly going to become a far better human being than she could hope to be, but he was not capable of offering her comfort of his own initiative.

So she took it, leaning in and pulling her arms around his torso, and just tried to stop thinking for once in her life. After a long moment, thin fingers laced through her hair and trailed down to rest on her upper back uncertainly.

“I’m sorry. I just made this all about me, didn’t I,” she choked out a laugh, pulling backwards. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Nothing,” he said softly, looking down at his hands. “Nothing at all.”

Omake

Sai stared blankly at a certain brick in the house across from Danzo’s, inadvertently alarming the woman watering her window-box azaleas.

‘I would like to have an emotionally honest conversation with you,’ he drafted, before immediately nixing the beginning of yet another potential conversation. No, that wasn’t right.

‘I am considering engaging in a bit of light treason with you, and would like to offer my apologies for inducting you into-’

That wouldn’t work either. There was no good way to end that sentence.

If he could, he would have frowned, but he was too well-trained to do that. In any case, those attempts were not likely to yield productive discussion. It was possible that he was mistaken, and Washboard was in fact loyal to Danzo-sama. Such an abrupt, unsubtle approach could end very badly.

He had observed from his readings in Icha Icha Pirate: Get the Booty, Icha Icha Spring Blossom, and Icha Icha Hidden Treasure that women were prone to engaging in emotional or tactically sensitive dialogue once in a relationship.

‘Want to have sex?’ he tried, directly quoting all three of those books.

No, that wouldn’t do at all. He’d seen a man try that once, and Sai was not at all convinced that the real life application of such a rhetoric would work any better for him, no matter that it had always worked in the instruction manuals for human relationships that Kakashi-san had recommended to him. It might be something that only worked for experts on socialization.

‘Perhaps I should acquire another source,’ Sai pondered seriously. ‘If Jiraiya-sama’s instruction really was foolproof, surely Kakashi-san would have acquired a successful human relationship of his own after so many years of diligent study.’

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

Incorrect Quotes

tysm for the tag @jerzwriter (her post here) i had way too much fun with this

(all quotes pulled from this site)

i dont think you understand how obssessed i am with these im gonna be here for hours but anyway,, jensen x bryce will be first, then single characters will be after :)

~~~

(this one in the context of them playing basketball together >>>)

Jensen: That was the worst throw ever. Of all time

Bryce: Not my fault. Somebody put a wall in the way.

~~~

Bryce: Thought I was meowing back at my cat for the past hour, but it was just me and Jensen meowing at each other from different rooms in the house

(barry watching all of this go down like🧍‍♂️)

~~~

Jensen: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos. Bryce: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?

~~~

(no okay the way this one is Accurate af)

Jensen: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy. Bryce: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep. Jensen: I said within reason, Bryce. How about I murder that guy? Bryce: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't? Jensen: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?

~~~

(omfg the way i can see this with jensens intrusive thoughts its so funny)

Jensen: A mosquito tried to bite me and I slapped it and killed it. Jensen: And I started thinking. Jensen: Like, it was just trying to get food. Jensen: What if I went to the fridge and it just slammed the door shut and snapped my neck? Bryce: Are you ok?

~~~

Bryce: Relationships should be 50/50. Jensen cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.

~~~

Bryce: My hands are cold. Jensen: Here, let me hold them. Bryce: My lips are cold too. Jensen: *covers Bryce's mouth with their hand*

(this one got me gd. jensen so would)

~~~

(this one.)

Jensen: Wow, Bryce, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you. Bryce: We literally slept together yesterday. Jensen: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.

~~~

Jensen: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine. Bryce: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again. Jensen: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns?? Bryce: Is it working?

~~~

Single quotes

~~~

Bryce: What the fuck. Bryce: ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope championship. Bryce: Who the hell watches jump rope competiti- ooh bouncy.

~~~

Jensen: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.

~~~

Ethan, to the squad: And remember, if I get harsh with you it is only because you’re doing it all wrong.

~~~

Jensen: Helpful grammar tip: “farther” is for physical distance, “further” is for methaphorical distance, and “father” is for emotional distance!

~~~

Jensen: If I stay in bed I'll be warm. If I get in the shower, I'll also be warm. But the distance between the bed and shower? No. That is not warm.

~~~

(and one double of these two cause i love it)

Sienna: Don't go to the kitchen. Jensen: Why? Sienna: I saw a spider. Jensen: Well, did you kill it? Sienna: It has 8 arms and I only have 2, it's not fair...

[navire190413]

okay so i know why x-chan is so weird about me. i've been avoiding it because its honestly out of my hands now. he texted me good morning yesterday and we chatted all day long and made plans for this weekend. around 7, i was at the bar and he stopped responding so i figured he fell asleep after getting home from work. wake up this morning and text him good morning and no response. i only get a response around 12 when i ask if he wants to go to a park tonight to play pokemon go. he says he wants to be alone so i ask if he's okay and if something happened that's making him not want to respond.

before i proceed. there's a lot of backstory. right before we broke up i was already in the middle of spiraling because things had been bad between us for awhile at that point, my ocd was at an all time worst. i also got diagnosed with depression on top of it. i was sleeping 20 hours a day. and just fighting with x-chan whenever we did manage to speak. whenever i was awake i was engaging in pretty bad compulsions because i was so anxious about our relationship so it was either a) sleep or b) drink. so i was drinking heavily and started to engage in p unsafe behavior because i wanted to not deal with my ocd and depression anymore. also i had so much self hatred i was basically self harming myself on purpose. this obviously didnt help the fact me and him were already in unsteady waters, and made things way worse. so we broke up.

i kind of just kept self sabotaging from that point on. not going to class, spending like $100 on booze every single night, drinking from 7pm-4am almost every night. it was bad, i am still kind of feeling the effects of it. i had a lot of scary stuff happen to me at that time.

i was so drunk returning home at 6AM one morning that i collapsed a block away from my place (i think. i dont remember), and some random guy literally carried me (i am 178cm and 65kg, not an easy task), all the way to my house with me drunkenly pointing where to go, while he was asking if i was okay the entire time. i remember this much. he brought me to my place and let me open the door with my key while he was still holding me and gently placed me in the entryway and told me to be more careful and shut the door and left. this was extremely dangerous, but thank you to that kind stranger. i woke up the next day with bruises over my entire body and my purse was empty. i dropped my wallet, phone, camera, and airpods in the process. i have an airtag in my wallet and can track my airpods and phone .i woke up 2 hours after getting home and tracked all of my stuff to a nearby police station. the guy who carried me home must have went back and collected everything i dropped and turned it all in for me. i was so hungover filling out those forms at the police station.

i had another instance a few weeks after that where i was drinking at the bar at 5am, drunkenly got into a fight with some younger guy, and he stole my phone. he returned it the next evening and apologized saying he didnt remember anything.

my drinking and behaviour was so bad i had a few friends threaten to cut off our relationship if i continued down that path. luckily i've turned things around a bit since i started my job. i drink everyday but only 2-3 cans and go to the bar mostly only on weekends, and i always catch the last train. im going to a shrine on saturday to pray for support to stop drinking, then gonna actually do my best not to drink on weeknights anymore starting next week. im determined. i used to wake up at 4am everyday to study for 2 hours before going to work. i really want to get to that lifestyle again.

anyway, that's the backstory of where my head was at. the bad thing i did which is why me and x-chan can't get back together, during my self-destruction phase is... about a month after me and x-chan broke up i was drunk walking through ikebukuro station and got nampa'ed. and the guy was cute enough so i said "fuck it", first time for everything. we went and ate ice cream together and then went to a hotel together. okaaaaaaaaaay i slept with a random guy who hit on me in a fucking train station. i've never had a one night stand before this. i dont think its that big of a deal if it was the very first time and will probably be the last. we used protection and i got tested a week later then a month later just to be safe.

the first time me and x-chan reconnected again, we were drunk and he asked if i'd had any guys approach me since we broke up. there were a few innocent invites to dates and stuff which i told him about. but i also told him about going to the hotel with the guy (i cant keep a secret to save my life. so i told him.). and he was piiiissssed. not even jealous, just pissed that he dated someone like me, a woman with 0 value, who can sleep with anyone at any time. he said in that instance he regretted our entire relationship because he thought he knew me but was wrong. but then he invited me back to his place to hook up immediately after this so i dont get it haha. we were friends with benefits for a few weeks and really lovey dovey before he realized he wanted to love me more before he could hook up with me anymore. and thats kind of why we're at where we're at now.

so that's why we're re-building our trust now. so i can prove im not actually a slut who just sleeps with anyone. which is why i dont hangout with my guy friends right now either.

the reason he stopped messaging me yesterday is because he randomly remembered that i had sex with that guy, and it made him realize he cant trust anyone at all so he didnt speak to anyone at all last night or today and isnt planning to for awhile. i asked if i should cancel our date reservation tomorrow, but he said he'll go. he just wants to be alone today. i wonder if he's going to end everything tomorrow or if it'll just go back to how it was before today and yesterday. i have no idea anymore. i know i need to stop. this shit is so stressful. the urge to ask him why he’s pissed i get bitches is strong. but his english isnt good enough to understand that, nor would he find it funny.

i had the worst 6 months of my life and fell into a dark place. i mean its life and it happens to people sometimes, especially when you have ocd and addictive tendencies. but i had multiple people i love tell me im a weak woman with no value anymore because of those 2 months of me self-sabotaging myself. so im living as straight as i can now while still kind of reeling from everything and trying to prove to people that those 2 months dont define me. after i got my work visa and passed n1, everyone told me how amazing i am and not a lot of people can do this, etc. so maybe it changed some peoples' opinion on me. like hey, im not an entire piece of shit. i can still achieve things. im still trying relatively hard. im still studying every single day despite drinking lemon sours while doing so and taking breaks to chain smoke haha.

in other news i found my dream apartment. no idea if they accept foreigners or not, but i want to live there soooo bad. its a good price, and the biggest apartment i've seen at that price, and a 4 minute walk from Ikebukuro station. its a corner apartment so every wall has windows, and a big balcony, and CLOSETS. which is so rare. and the inside is just absolutely beautiful with a bunch of hardwood everywhere. i want it soooooooooo bad.

Im going to the realtor company on sunday to possibly go see it. they're going to check with the owner to see if americans are allowed to apply or not before i go, so if its not okay they have time to prepare some other apartments to show me.

why are people so obsessed with shibuya scramble? i have to cross it everyday and theres always like 50 people with cameras recording it. its just…. a crowd of people crossing the street 😭

an hour after posting this he called me to tell me hes excited for our date tomorrow. so maybe hes getting over it!

[demented-tours]

The project is simple: Dear World Rage Box. One photo, one text dump. Raw thoughts. Minimum editing. Fuck typos. Fuck perfection. No masking/curbing/appeasing. No apologies. I don't care how this sounds. Not sure why it needs to be public. Maybe it always won't. Maybe I delete these ten seconds after I post them. Maybe I print them out and make fucking wallpaper. Not creating yet another account for this, either. I've officially forgotten too many versions of myself to add another.

///

Dear World 1,

A half hour before my therapy appointment yesterday I learned my mother's stage 3 endometrial cancer might be back. My first response wasn't about her. It was about me.

How the fuck am I going to carry the weight of my mother's illness again? It almost did me in the first time. I was just starting to find energy/strength/reserves to feel ready for what's next.

Those doors didn't slam. But they creaked toward closed like a bad horror video game.

I don't know how to do all of it at once: deal with her co-dependency, her shut down, her undiagnosed everything and my long list of illnesses that I regularly use as a shield from her (from a lot of things) because it was the only boundary I had for decades. Because I didn't know what boundaries were. Felt like. Could do. Should do.

Some people are born to fight. I think I was born to defend. It's how I've never lost a game of chess. I just run the board until there's nothing left. Even if you might win, it'll take so long and be so painful you'll wish you'd just put down your king on move 2.

During the appointment, I told my therapist about the day I had last week which was--and I called it this--one of the top 3 worst days of this year. At least, so far. It can definitely always get worse.

I tell her I'm worried I'm depressed. I'm worried I've been depressed for a while. I tell her about Mom and about the day last week. I tell her these stories with my usual sprinkling of humor. Because I have to let her know Oh, yeah, even though it's awful I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.

I'm not fucking okay.

She wants to circle back to the depression. Her use of language made me think of work which made me hate from my core being again. She asked me questions. I knew I wasn't going to answer the right way. She both could and could not tell me what I was experiencing was depression. I don't wish for depression. I wish not to have to justify whatever the fuck I'm feeling.

It's bad enough to have to justify my autism to my own mother. It's bad enough that every other week or so, I discover some other way my life was fucked up, and I see how I've defended it or transmuted it or run from it or hidden it because if I make other people feel more comfortable, then I win, right?

I feel myself on the brink of full melt down. I know now that these aren't panic attacks. They aren't me just being difficult. They aren't me being suicidal, despite the fact that they literally make me feel like what is boiling inside me is actually going to kill me.

My ambiguity over allowing that to happen still baffles me.

I got mad. My anger is my sharpest weapon. It was honed on the active battle field of my childhood. People who know me know this. People who know me who have experienced my anger first hand either know how to duck or left a cloud of dust as they ran. If you know me and don't know my rage, then you just don't know me.

that's okay. I wouldn't want to know me, either.

(Fuck. Editing. Stop that. Type, goddamn you.)

I got mad. My therapist got uneasy. Suddenly what she thinks and believes and hopes to do no longer applies. She tells me that the reason I may be so exhausted is I'm fighting the very feelings I tell her I have no interest in feeling.

I come at her. "So what?"

I see when that hits. I feel how that lands. Even though a screen. I hate that I'm this attuned instrument for feelings for a 1000 square mile emotional radius. I don't want my own. I definitely don't want yours.

But so what if it's exhausting not to feel it. It feels like death if I do. I feel backed into a corner, asked to defend a depression she seems simultaneously concerned I might have and certain I don't. I didn't want to bring it up to debate it. I brought it up to work on it.

I forgot there's a script she has to run when that word gets dropped into the session. I forgot how tired neurotypical scripts make me.

Nah, it's not holding back the emotions making me tired. It's living in the world that cause them that's doing me in.

Or both.

She speaks. I speak. I find some measure of calm. Less because I want it and more because she clearly wants me to find it. She tells me maybe it's time to find another therapist for autism. She can come with me, she says, but she doesn't have the tools to help me.

Yeah. I know that. But I've spent six years growing this sparse-ass garden of trust between us, and now you're telling me nothing else is gonna grow.

I've already looked into it. I've already found faces that seem kind. I've already thought this. I've already starting reading. I've already been doing research on what the fuck I might actually be for years, now.

But it still felt like another person supposed to help me who basically said I was too much once they catch a glimpse of this iceberg under the surface they thought they knew.

Which is shitty. But expected.

Today I saw this TIkTok wherein the narrator explains to me that he cannot trust his perceptions of the world when he's tired. He expounds on to say don't trust your thoughts when you're stressed/tired/hungry/hurting. They're tainted. Observe and let go.

Also talks about taking all the negative thoughts and bundling them into a single problem. Because then you don't have ten problems; you have one. And likely you've faced it before.

His problem was running out of time.

That video helped me more than the entire session with therapist. Maybe helped me more than the last ten. I don't want to do the math on how much I've paid for a glorified distraction and master class on masking just enough to make my therapist comfortable, but my brain's already done it.

Runaway train.

I also stumbled into some art student video content with horror-like elements that felt like visiting my dark thoughts generator and hearing some of the shit it says.

The algorithm might be evil, but sometimes evil is still right.

We don't know if it's cancer.

Fuck liminal spaces.

Fuck this year. Fuck thinking it'll get better. And fuck the fact that at the end of yesterday's session, I settled on, "Fine, I guess it's not depression. I guess I'll just say I'm chronically sad."

Apparently, that's situationally appropriate.

I hate that I agree.

I hate that part of me doesn't.

I want to burn something down.

/D

Photo: Wrecked tub. The cold water handle disintegrated in my hand after I tried to run it to fix another problem that didn't actually exist. The plumbing was welded into the wrong lines. It was a "Goddamned nightmare." Keep buying parts and finding more are missing. Felt like me.

[creationfathers]

"This goes out to everyone LOOKING for their “twinflame”. Twinflames are NOT trendy. And the journey is NOT comforting or romantic. It’s a painful acension process. That’s it."

"THE TRUTH ABOUT TWINFLAMES the truth about most people who seek their "twin flame" is that the twinflame journey is not something you can seek. Like many others, when I met mine- I never heard of the term "twin flame" they come in at the worst time, when you are NOT looking. I was not spiritual, I knew nothing about an awakening, just a regular house mom who was already in an amazing relationship. So when I started experiencing weird phenomena, seeing angel numbers, his name, the weird obsessive thinking, the weird addictive pull. The first thing I did was FIGHT IT. There was no way I wanted to be "destined". Most twinflames, and I mean REAL TWINFLAMES,. Will meet their counterpart at the WORST TIME. Most of us have families, are married, or DON'T WANT A TWINFLAME. Because the journey is a spiritual one, designed to destroy your ego. It took me TWO YEARS to finally meet him, and after that- I decided to partially surrender. It took me another THREE YEARS to fully surrender. Don't judge what you don't know."

"SPN FANDOM! I will listen to your opinion if you take Kurt’s entire course and then read ALL THE BOOKS! you are not liable to speak on twinflames, only people walking this path can understand. End. Of. Discussion."

"KURTS TWINFLAME COURSE

IS THE SAME WORK AS:

Yungs book "lighter'

IS THE SAME WORK AS:

Ekhart toles book "the power of now."

IS THE SAME WORK AS:

Michael A Singers book " the untethered soul"

HE IS THE REAL twinflame teacher. And has helped thousands with addictive energy.

A CERTAIN FANDOM- should mind their own business before speaking. If you are going to say something, take THE CLASS AND READ THE BOOKS.

Then come back LATER."

"#spaceman NETFLIX What a spiritual awakening is like @ misha cried my eyes out last night watching this. Out of all the synchronicities on this journey the ending song “don’t go away please don’t go” really had me in tears as I was on my way out the door. I just can’t do this twinflame journey anymore…. I’m so depressed waiting for you. And that day never seems to come. One day you will be happy and I would have wasted 30 years here waiting for someone who never even bothered to see me or send a simple reply… I can’t anymore"

"Twinflames are known to be a “celestial” encounter. Yes you see angel numbers. No you can NOT just causally walk up to them, for the energy is too strong and you won’t make any words out. No you cannot HIDE what you are feeling, for they mirror the love right back. I have never been more terrified and exited standing right next to him. No matter how many poems are on this page, only us will be able to comprehend all the unsaid words and unwritten poems. Out of all the unexplainable events that happened during this journey, seeing you in person will always be one of them. Maybe love is just an unexplainable thing that humans can’t quite comprehend. @ misha"

"Just fyi, I don’t know what you guys are up too. But I’m not interested in seeing him. @ misha @ mouseandme

This is literally my last comment ever. I deleted my Snapchat yesterday. And I won't be talking to you anymore. And although your fandom is for some WEIRD reason begging me to come see you at your cons- I will never be attending any future cons again. I love you misha. You don't owe me an explanation for why you treated me the way you treated me. But I am tired of being the one perusing you, flying to you.... The truth is you never loved me enough to try... if you even ever loved me at all. I am done with this "twinflame journey" we are not destined, we never were. I choose to make things work, and you chose the opposite. So I hope wherever life takes you , you're genuinely happy there. But I won't be continuing any contact."

"@ misha I just want your fans to know the truth. Sorry. It was just a bunch of “fake mishas” who did a really good job cat- fishing me. Of course it wasn’t the real you. Your fandom should know that. You’re a beautiful man misha. Lots of woman want you and dream of you. I am pretty much nobody. You have a million girls that are better than me, and I hope you find love and happiness with someone who is best suited for you… that girl obviously isn’t me…. I will never feel good enough to be loved by anyone, especially someone like you. Sorry. I will always inevitably be the “runner.” If such things even existed, which they don’t…. That’s why when you grabbed my hand in august I pulled away. That’s why in November I never waited to talk to you… because I will never be good enough for a man like you. And deep down I know it. You deserve the best, and the best … that isn’t me. hashtag delusionalfangirl hashtag spnfamily"

"Hey misha, it's amber.... Just so you know, I told your fandom the truth about Alma. That she was the one I was inlove with, and that I was so confused. There was a "fake misha" who I sent messages on Snapchat too. And I thought it was you. But now I know it's not you. Sorry for all the misunderstanding. @ misha @ mouseandme I hope the word spreads. That we never had any communication. I know that when you saw me in November you were just being nice. There was no "twinflame connection" there was no spark. There was just you, doing your job. That's it. Goodbye."

(a few hours later)

"@ misha you are the most irritating human I’ve ever encountered . I love you, stuuppiidd."

"@ Misha Collins how come every time I have decided to leave social media you start tagging @ Taylor Swift . You're very irritating. You know it bothers me. In fact, everytimeI told you "please don't do that" you definitely DO, do that. So PLEASE don't ever show up at my doorstep using only paper as your outfit, and a poetry covering the only part that matters that says "I'm sorry amber I should have done bigger and better things during our none existential relationship " And I won't pretend to break up with you ever again in our pretend relationship."

"@ Misha Collins whoever is pretending to be you on Snapchat is very unlucky. I accidentally sent him videos of me in the shower. It's too bad for that guy."

"I feel bad for that guy @ misha"

"@ misha let's try this again. I think I lasted maybe 24 hours this time.....

"Hey misha, please let me take my detox class? I know this isn't your fault- but everytime I leave I get ridiculous spiritual symptoms. The connection seems to grow profoundly stronger when I cut contact in the 3D physical world. Sensations such as , hearing your voice, you touching me (sometimes at very inappropriate times) and twinflame telepathic sex, dizziness, feeling of distraught, loneliness, weird energy shit like the sensation of falling through the floor and getting pulled in all directions. This happens every time I "leave" and try to distance myself from this connection. So being a mature adult, I'm going to TELL you I'm doing my detox class and can't remain in contact please don't try to initiate any kind of weird astral- sex sessions with me while I'm detoxing. I'm trying to heal. Thanks baby. I love you. Also (please stop tagging Taylor Swift it bothers me.) I made that playlist for you. Not to patronize me with it. 😂"

"@ Misha Collins I think I’m legitimately insane after the last 2 almost 3 years of this…..how come it’s so hard to leave you? Your energy pulls me back everytime. That should be illegal. 🤣🤣🤣"

"@ Misha Collins have you ever noticed that when I'm angry at you on one platform the anger usually stays on that app and we just migrate to a different platform? I think I need a twinflame coach... Oh wait... I already have one. Maybe a therapist can help .🤣🤣🤣 (comments are turned off for a reason.) The peanut gallery can keep their penuts ."

"@ misha MISHA FUCKING COLLINS Can you just find a "normal" way to talk to me? I'm running out of Taylor Swift songs to tag you in... .. And hidden poetry is also becoming difficult . I have weird shit to tell you. Poetry couldn't capture that."

"@ misha you are LEGITIMATELY the weirdest human I’ve ever encountered. And it’s not because you have my soul in your body…."

"@ misha if you ever miss me just know that I’m always silently listening to @ magnetizeyourself on YouTube thinking about my beautiful divine masculine. I hope we make it into union. I am doing the work, and I will be continuing to do the work. In order to fully do this work I will be taking a step back and giving you space to think…. A lot has happened in the last 3 years and a lot of shadows have already been brought to the surface to heal. I never thought I’d be here, publicly sharing my journey and having everyone collectively watching us transform. I want to say thank you for being so kind and patient with me, you are always welcome to yell and scream your lungs out at me. I know sometimes I tick your ticker in the wrong way. (Almost always), and a lot of the promises I made you I broke out of ego and proving a point to your fandom. I hope you know, I am trying to be different."

"@ misha I know this isn't really mishas Snapchat. I know you are fake. But for fucks sake will you at least open your messages. Hasn't it been long enough "misha". If you're waiting for the fans to forget they won't. They are dedicated to me more than this pretend relationship. Also , I know this is fake. But I like to come here and rant and pretend its you because I'm delusional"

"@ misha of course it’s not you. If it was the “real you” then you would have my number and we would contact eachother normally. I just want to tell the truth. That that account was not you. And Alma is not you either, I know because she video chatted me and was 100 percent a woman. (I’m still inlove with her though. She’s breath taking)"

"@ misha I just want to tell the world the truth. Sorry about the misunderstanding. I shouldn’t trust fake accounts that portray to be you. I am sorry to your beautiful friend Alma, I know she is a woman. And she’s drop dead gorgeous. Tell her I’m sorry about all this mess."

"@ misha I want to have S3X with you. FUCK THIS JOURNEY. I am SICK and tired of seeing a picture of you and pulling my hair out due to addictive energy. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE."

"I know that Snapchat is fake , so I want you to see this. I sent that other profile nudes. I would never do that to the "real you." But I want to make love to you so bad. You are the first person to touch me without ever actually touching me- I want to experience your lips on my lips, my lips on your body, your body on top of mine... I am uncontrollable when I look at you, and I need you to tame me."

"@ misha Before I leave, @ misha, i wanted to share a page I enjoy. I believe if both of us want it, we can make it into a rare phenomenon called twinflame union. Also known as , unity consciousness. Follow @ twinflames.infinity"

"@ misha If you have my address- crumbled up in your pocket, warm from indecisive hands. Those hands are mine to hold steady."

"@ misha the universe won’t let me leave you. Because deep down I’ve always known it was you. Even if we never make it to union, I am so happy and proud to call you my counterpart."

"@ misha if you join this while I am healing and taking my twinflame class you will be "ready" for the grave. I still have an ego. And it's very big.

(HEY @ yung_pueblo stop giving @ misha bad ideas 💡) HEY MISHA! I already know what you're thinking. I was being sarcastic on that comment, but If you break our eternal bond I will do Kurt’s class for a different reason… “detaching” is a paradox that gets you into union. But if you decide to date, I am clearly stating that I am not okay with that. I am choosing you misha. If you want me to PERMANENTLY leave your life then I guess you found your god sent answer. But please don’t break my heart. I haven’t had sex with anyone since you, and god knows that hasn’t been easy. But your the person I see a future with. Nobody else."

"@ misha I felt you slip away since October… I can feel everything you feel. So why do we feel so close but simultaneously apart. You once told me “I won’t wait forever” that was 2 years ago. Was I too late? I am not an expert on these kinds of connections. Please… open my messages misha. I promise I am not yelling at you or breaking up with you on there."

"@ misha please don't actually fall in love with someone else. I'll fall into an ego death and I won't make it out of it as the same person you know. My soul is already begging for mercy, I know how this mirror game works. You take my fears and casually tease me with them.. only by going through with them. But please, for the love of god- don't make me face this one."

"@ misha WHY ARE YOU SO IRRITATING. 🤣 seriously pls just stop. Do you remember that one time you wore a red shirt for like 2 WEEKS straight because I said red is “my color” . You’re so annoying ."

"@ misha Why do you have to like the same things that I like? Your annoying. I only sent you her music because I know you'd never listen to it. Why do you do this to me?? stop tagging @ Taylor Swift misha!!!!! I'm in Kurt's class and you know it bothers me enough to break the course and come back here and yell at you.... like I'm doing now."

"@ misha your the most annoying man I've ever met in my entire life. Why am I so Inlove with you? Can you just check your Snapchat so you can change my Instagram password and I can finally detox from you. I need you to try to be more annoying."

"@ misha no more @ Taylor Swift music for you. It’s RINGING IN MY EARS 24/7 because YOU won’t stop LISTENING. Twinflames are connected. That means you found a million new ways to annoy me."

"@ Taylor Swift you should block my twinflame. He’s trying to annoy me when he tags you. 🤣 block him: @ misha"

"@ misha it’s going to take us 50 years… because we’re “us”." (video)

"@ misha you are so beautiful baby. I love you so much."

"@ misha please leave me alone for the next 2 and a half years. Thanks. I’m actually going to cry if you tag Taylor swift one more time and poke at my ego…. You know I’m doing this stupid detachment class because I love you right? You know that pretty muchEVERYTHING I’m doing is for you… right? I DONT WANT TO HEAL FOR MYSELF. I don’t mind being broken! I’m healing for you DUMBASS. Because I LOVE YOU DUMBASS. 🤣🤣🤣"

"@ misha you know when you were posting pictures with your beard I held back so many inappropriate comments. I love you so much misha. So fucking much. I’m a very physical person and it’s hard for me to stay celibate this long and commit to you. I want to feel every part of your body, I want to pleasure you in every way possible. You are so attractive to me. Your age is perfect. Everything you find unattractive about yourself I find myself craving. You drive me crazy. The yearn for you just to be near me is absolutely crazy."

Unbelievably, that isn't even all of it. (I'm too tired to copy and paste any more. She gives me a headache.) That (above) was just one of her Instagram accounts over the course of less than 24hrs. 🙄

Damn that was some long, whiny, stupid shit. I think I lost some brain cells reading this.

[aajjks]

bunny!jungkook in be body jungkook you are acting weird! yesterday you literally tripped me on purpose and threw water on me! yes you do have friends and all of do shit like that to me, all the time! ask anyone, everybody knows.. how could you ever think i’d love you after doing thing like that to me? i am going on this date because this guy treats me right! he’s always been so kind to me.. bringing me lunch after you would throw mine away before i’d even get a bite, picks up my books after you throw them out of my hands, holds the door open for me when you’ve shut the doors in my face, even carries my heavy ass book bag after you use it to drag me to the floor.. i won’t let you get in the way of my relationship with him. you can mess with some other time! right now i have a man, my man waiting on me so move it jeon!

“I was the one that tripped you? Noona that is impossible.. do you know what I would never hurt you? Who are my friends? I don’t know what happened to you, but you are acting so fucking weird- I’m not! you have forgotten all about us… this is my worst nightmare… you cannot do this to me. Please don’t go on that date. I will do anything anything you want, just name it. I’m on my knees. PLEASE don’t do this to me HE’S NOT YOUR MAN I AM! I will always be in your way, noona YOU ARE MINE. DON’T CALL ME JEON??! IM YOUR KOOKIE.”