defineasian

[defineasian]

9/14

I took a break from journaling for a while, but I’ve been thinking how it’s probably important for me to sit down and reflect, even when things may not be feeling like how they did before.

Over the past few months, I’ve learned how to live my life for me. It was no longer about how I was going to continue without you, but rather, how I’m going to live so unregretably for me.

I’ve learned that I didn’t need to be “fixed” or “better” to be able to be loved. I’ve realized that all my feelings and wants are valued and valid. There was nothing wrong with what I wanted from a relationship and there was nothing wrong with me.

I had tried so hard to make something, that was eating away at my soul, work for me. And the day you showed me your true colors and your inability to put us first, was the day I should have walked away. I didn’t and that’s on me, but I didn’t know better.

Most days, I don’t think about you anymore. The places we used to go to together are just that, places. The silent car rides from work are no longer the hardest parts of my days, but instead, one of most blissful moments after a hard day of work. And my house finally feels like MY home, rather than the place for us.

A part of me likes to think that you’d proud and happy for me. Honestly, the truth is that I don’t think you care, because that’s probably why you haven’t reached out…. Either way, I’m proud of me. And that’s all the really matters anymore.

I am worthy of a love that ignites fire and passion in my soul. One that makes me feel both comfortable, to be who I am, and supported, to grow and never settle for mediocrity. And most importantly, I am deserving of a love that makes me feel like I am enough, because I am.

[defineasian]

5/16

It’s been a little bit since we last talked, really it hasn’t been long at all but probably the longest in the past 7+ years. You asked for space and that’s what you’ll get from me.

My friends came back into town and we all spent days together going out and playing board games. It really reminded me how much support I have and how great they are. I know I’ve always said that we don’t always mesh well but they sure know how to make people smile haha. I still thought of you though. In the quiet or dull moments, you’re who I think about still. It hit me the hardest when I drove by your neighborhood at 4 in the morning… I had been out trying to have fun and forget my heartbreak and you’d had probably been resting peacefully for hours. I had fun but I didn’t want to be doing this. I wanted to be home with my dog in the warmth and comfort of my bed, with you. I don’t spend my days crying anymore though. I think you’d be proud… I know my friends are. I’ve filled them with endless things, even down to just “me” time. It’s been hard but really fun and eye opening. I joined a gym, went back to f45, and started decorating my empty home. I’ve discovered multiple new parks and have already made travel plans for the reminder of the year. I’d be lying if I said I’m not excited for everything but it doesn’t mean I’m not hurting either. Some people tell me that this might be the best thing to happen to me, I’m still not sure about that statement. They didn’t know us. But, I know that things can only get better from here.

[defineasian]

5/4

You’ve hurt me, but it doesn’t mean that I’m mad at you for asking for space.

I hope you aren’t upset with me for not responding to your message the other day. I think about it quite often really. I think for once, after all these years, I just have nothing to say. Sometimes I think that I’ve said all that I wanted to these past weeks, but I’d be lying if I said I felt at peace with it. I definitely don’t.

I’m just too broken to say anything that would bring either one of us any kind of joy. I want my pain to stop. I just want us to stay good friends and wish nothing but the best for you, even it’s without me like you wanted.

[defineasian]

5/2

I really thought I’d be out of tears by now but they just keep on coming. I never thought that sadness could exist with anger either, but yet here we are.

I am just so mad, so angry at you sometimes. The number of times you’ve broken me into a million pieces and asked me to trust you, to trust that you’d be gentle with my heart. I trusted you every time, never doubting once that you weren’t worthy of this trust.

Little did I know, you fell out of love with me and I was alone in this relationship for months. I thought I was crazy, needy, the way that I felt so alone and unsupported, as if I had to beg and plead for even the littlest ounce of reassurance. And somehow, even at the end of all this, why am I the one that’s plagued with the heavy feeling that I’m the one who messed everything up for us?

You did this. You choose this path for us. I was still willing to fight for us because the good outweighed the bad, because I love you, and because even to this day, you have my benefit of the doubt. I knew we weren’t perfect people, but I had faith.

Yet somehow, I’m the one who’s hurting you by staying in the discord (that I don’t even join voice chat in anymore). You know what hurts? Being lied to. Watching you post memes and statuses as if it were just another day. Listening to you make these grand plans without me, even though I’ve been asking to go on a trip for years. Learning about things that I did that upset you (that I had no idea about) and having no chance to fix it, after I’ve given you chances time and time again.

And even when you were hurting, I tried my absolute best to let you know that I’m here for you, that I want the best for you. And where was my support? Have you even genuinely reached out once since knowing how much I’m struggling? I’ve cried almost every day for weeks and I don’t remember the last time I properly slept. But I’m the one who’s hurting you, I’m the one who fucked up our relationship.

I knew life was unfair, but not this unfair. You got to redeem yourself time and time again, while I don’t. I’ve always been your biggest cheerleader for years and now I have no one. You decided to walk away from us, but I carry the guilt of ruining everything. I’ve cried for weeks and you haven’t even shed a tear for us. Yet here I am, missing you with every breath I take, and you are what? Just trying to move on with your new phone and friends as if we didn’t just spend a quarter of our lives together. This is unfair. Life is unfair.

[defineasian]

5/1

The past few days have been hard. I change my mind over anything and everything and my emotions swing from one extreme to another. I think it was just the final straw and told me all I needed for now.

[defineasian]

4/30

Someone told me yesterday that all the pain I feel now just shows how much I truly loved you. Even though I had my flaws and mistakes, loving you was always an easy choice to make. Even when I was upset or angry with you, I made the choice to love you. And just as it was a choice for me to make every day, I am reminded that you made your own set of choice as well.

I know you’re probably hurting or numb now. But you said so yourself, it’s not because of me. I think we both wished we knew why you were hurting right now lol.

i just wonder if you think of me as often as I do of you. Or if you miss me in the same ways that I miss you, you probably don’t since that’s why you left. But also if I was so confident about these answers, i guess I wouldn’t be sitting here wondering either.

[defineasian]

4/28

Let me just tell you that today was definitely not a good day either at work.. so we are two for two on this whole “tomorrow will be better” thing. Sometimes I think that the constant wishing for a better tomorrow just makes it hurt that much more when it doesn’t end up being better. But I still have hope, it’s all I have left at this point.

I’m just so tired. I don’t want to really do anything but somehow, I’ve jam packed my days off with all these things to do. I guess they’re suppose to help (They definitely don’t). Sometimes I wish I could do nothing and feel nothing…. yeah, that would be great right now.

At the end of the day, I’m probably at fault for all of this. I just wish I would have been better to you, for you. Sometimes, I’m still convinced that I could be, but at this point, does it even matter? I don’t think so, but I often wished it did. I still wish it would.

I say it often to myself. “I was just trying to love him the only I knew how to love and it wasn’t right or enough”. It serves him right to decide he wanted to leave. But I’m not perfect, I’m just human. I couldn’t guarantee you I’d be perfect the 2nd, 3rd, or 100000th time. I just couldn’t, but I could always promise you that I’d try for you, for us every single time.

[defineasian]

4/27

“Take it a day at a time”

That’s what, quite literally, everyone tells me. Maybe everyone tells me that because it’s the right thing to do or maybe that’s just the cliche thing to tell someone after a break up… who knows. I just think when that advice fails you, it feels like just about everything has absolutely failed you.

I was so sad yesterday. I don’t know what happened. I had plans lined up for the entire day from when I opened my eyes to when I got home to shower. And I just couldn’t get you out of my mind. Even when I tried not to talk about you or my feelings, it’s like I couldn’t shake it. I think I just made it worse by trying to keep quiet about it.

The two worst parts of my day were when I was talking to my friend, who asked me “Do you think he even loved you?” And I just started tearing up because all I could think about were some of my favorite things you’d do for me. The way you’d hold me in the middle of the night when you couldn’t sleep in my stupid bed and cover my face with kisses. You’d whisper little things to me and would try to wake me up. Or when you wake up in the morning, you’d surround me with pillows to make sure I feel like I was being cuddled in and work so hard to be quiet as possible.

It was always the little things. I cried over popping my toes in the bathtub and I’ve cried over locking my doors at night and turning on the lights outside. I’ve used my tears over so many things lately... The donut shop, massage oil, my shower head, my garage shelf, even my stupid bedsheets. Most people would probably think I’m a psycho if they really knew how many things I’ve cried over recently. But they don’t know.

They don’t know. They don’t know about all the things you’ve done for me. They don’t know that you always promised me an apple fritter at donut shops because I had never had one before. They don’t know the struggle of hanging my shower head or how we caused a ruckus in my garage putting together my shelf because we didn’t have the right tools. They just don’t know. They wouldn’t know.

When I got home yesterday after dinner, I felt horrible. The weight of all those wonderful memories and how I won’t be able to make any more just hit me like a ton of bricks. The empty house with no dog didn’t make anything better either. The worst thought that came to mind? I no longer have my person.

I cried into my pillow for a couple of hours and eventually drifted to sleep. Did I mention that you’ve infiltrated my dreams too? I have these vivid dreams of us and it’s like my mind is taunting me over what i’ve lost. I can’t even truly rest. But, I tried to lean into the advice, tomorrow will be a better day.

Guess fucking what? I had my first TL shift at work today and it absolutely floored me. I had been waiting for this shift for months and it took me out for the count. I was on my feet literally ALL day and couldn’t take the beating of everyone wanting a piece of me. I am just a person and I can’t cover 3 floors by myself. I’m sorry.

I got in my car and just bawled the whole way home. I’m so exhausted. The fact that my person is gone is what really made everything so horrible. I just wished you were on the phone to tell me “ You did your best today. You still did good. You’re a good nurse”. That’s all I’d want. We don’t even need to talk about anything else.

I know that I could tell myself this too, but it means more coming from you. It always meant more coming from you. If we all actually could listen to what we tell ourselves, the world would be much different… So I cried the entire way home and came back to an empty house with nothing. Then it hit me again.

Maybe that’s what you meant by “emotionally dependent”. Maybe i am weak for not being able to handle all this without you. Maybe asking for support after work was too much. Maybe this is exactly what drove you away from me.

Double whammy, Ang. You couldn’t make him happy and now you can’t even be happy yourself (or be decent at your job). How pathetic.

[defineasian]

4/24

The weather is starting to warm up and I’ve been enjoying walks outside. I’ve been making it a point to fill up my days away from work with both fun/productive things so I won’t spend so much time alone at home. Being at home is still really hard for me, it always was, whether you were around or not. But having you around to call or to spend the night always made it less scary and a little easier on me.

We got to do a late birthday celebration yesterday and it was so nice to spend time with you again. It was actually really hard for me to decide what to do initially.. I didn’t want to pick any of my usual or favorite spots because I didn’t want to “taint” them with bad memories. We ultimately chose a good spot to go eat and honestly, it was like I was falling for you all over again. I know it sounds silly, but it just felt right. It was probably the first in a long while where i genuinely enjoyed our time together. It’s not like I didn’t before, but for once, I felt like we were on the same page, connected.

I know it all sounds horrible, considering the events and timing. Maybe it was the distance that we (are trying to) put in between us or maybe it was me thinking too much into it. I just knew it felt right.

I’ve decided to try my best and dedicate this time to myself, to better myself and find new hobbies. Whether you decide to give me a chance or not, I figured I would only benefit from this time. I would hope that I’ve made it clear… that my door is always open to you and all I wish for is a chance to show you that things are fixable, that we’re meant to be.

I’m still struggling with everything though. Work is hard. Waking up in the morning is hard. The silent car rides and dinners are hard. Even my favorite thing, going to sleep, is hard. I still think of you every day and I see little bits of us in everything I do. The guilt still makes me feel like I’m drowning and the elephant on my chest hasn’t gone away. But I’ll try my best.

[defineasian]

4/21

The silent car rides home from work are the absolute worst. I think they would still be pretty silent even when you were around. It was just nice to know that you were going to be here for me no matter what. No matter if I had good or bad news, you were still here.

If I called you today, I would tell you about my day. I would tell you about all the interactions I had today and about my sweet, lovely patient that I had. I’d let you in on all the jokes we made and how I found a new place to eat here in town. I would have wanted us to try it out together. Time at work has been really different for me lately. I’ve always enjoyed my time at work, as hard and difficult as it may be, work has only been a distraction for me. A big 12 hour distraction from all my emotions that I would otherwise feel if I were home by myself.

Just the simple fact that I really miss you, is what I’m trying to hide. And I fight with the thought that maybe that’s the “clingyness” in me or maybe this is normal. But this thought alone is enough to put me into some kind of mental whirlwind.

It’s like you left because I was too much and I still can’t find it in myself to just stop. Haven’t I learned my lesson already? I lost the love of my life because I was too selfish to put myself aside and let the poor guy just breathe. If I still feel this way, then why do I keep convincing myself I can be better? Can I actually be better? Part of me feels like I could, but I’m not going to lie and say I’d be perfect about it. Maybe I think I could be better because it would mean that at least you’d still be here. Here to listen to my day and to hold me while I cry. But at the same time, I know it’s normal to miss someone you love. It’s normal to want to talk to them and to be with them. It’s acceptable to miss you, I know it is. I’m just so torn. I think at the end of the day, I’m always going to be angry at myself. Whether it’s a little or a lot, I’m always going to feel like this is all my fault and maybe I don’t deserve this opportunity I keep begging for. The supposed opportunity to show you that I can change and be better… maybe you’re right to not want to try again with me.

Sometimes, I think to myself: I hope you’re missing me as much I miss you right now. The truth is, I wouldn’t wish this kind of feeling on you. The feeling of not being able to breathe no matter how hard you try to distract yourself. The constant internal war of trying to deny yourself what actually makes you happy versus what should make you happy. All the what nows and what ifs, it consumes me and it’s horrible. I don’t want that for you. I would just hope that you’re finding the relief that you needed and pray that you’re on your path to happiness. You deserve it.

[defineasian]

4/18

I called you last night and asked you to come over. I hyped myself with all these thoughts and feelings and as soon as you answered, my heart just dropped. Damn these post break-up feelings… I didn’t know want I wanted. I just needed you know to know how I felt.

We talked about how I still feel like it’s all my fault that our relationship fell apart. How even when he says it’s him, I still feel like I played a major part in all this and i can’t tell if it’s because i’m beating myself over this so much. Maybe I am. I told you that I had imagined a whole future for us and it felt wrong to give that up. It felt wrong to not be with you and it wasn’t because I have a broken heart did I feel that way.

All in all, you told me that you didn’t want to be in any kind of relationship right now and that’s okay with me. I said my peace and I can try to move on. I know it will be hard and there will be days where I miss you so much that I can’t breathe (sometimes I still can’t breathe right now lol). But you will always have a special part of my heart and my door will always be open to an amazing man like you. I know it’s silly but I’d say yes to you any day, any time, in a heartbeat. I’ll forever cherish our time and memories together and can only pray that you feel the same. I’ve prayed for you every night and still will. I just want the best for you, even if that’s not me.

I love you, Philip.

[defineasian]

4/15

Every morning, just for a few seconds, I feel like I can breathe again because I’m not thinking about you. But as soon as I realize my eyes are still puffy from crying the night before, I hurt and it’s a hurt that I don’t ever wish on anyone.

You’re the first thought of my day and the very last before I close my eyes at night. I see little of pieces of us everywhere I go and they’re like little shards of glass stabbing me, over and over. Even when I try not to think about this heartbreak, it hits me like a brick every time.

Yesterday, I was getting in the shower after gathering my thoughts and I sighed. I thought it was a regular sigh, the kind you make after a long day of work, but what happened next was not something I was prepared for. The sigh became a scream and the scream became a whole hour of sobbing in the shower. I kicked and punched as if the walls were attacking me until my knuckles bruised over. And the worst part? I can’t even begin to tell you why.

I cycle through all the emotions every day… every hour.. every minute even. One minute, I’m mad. I’m mad that you did this to us. I’m mad that I’m dumb enough to fuck up our relationship. I’m mad that you gave up on us. I’m mad at my family for raising me so cold heartedly. I’m mad that you fell out of love with me. But that same moment, I’m sad. I’m sad that we aren’t together right now. I’m sad that I have to struggle with this alone. I’m sad that we’re never going to make new beautiful memories ever again. I’m just… really sad.