#worst part is that literally just yesterday all these songs on this post would’ve been the romantic perfect ones i was just starting to

[sororygilmore]

when i said i liked taylor swift so he made me relate to say don’t go, mirrorball, foolish one, all too well, the moment i knew, my tears ricochet, etc etc

[george-fabian-weasley]

if we had 5 more minutes — f. w.

Summary: You thought you could save Fred from the rumbles of falling stones; you did your best, only to be in the rumbles with him instead.

Words: 2,160 words

Warnings ⚠ : ANGST, TW: Death, TW: Battle of Hogwarts, TW: war, TW: injuries, Fred died, you died, big Pain™, I strongly suggest tissues and a dozen of comfort chocolates, I cried so you will too, Basically An Emotional Rollercoaster, Read At Your Own Risk

Disclaimer: inspired by Billie Eilish's cover of The End of The World, so... ya'll know this is going to be a painful ride. Buckle up your seatbelts and enjoy. Reblogs and Comments are Highly Appreciated! <3 p/s: reading this with the song at the background really helps with the tear pouring effect ;)

Disclaimer 2.0: i know what yall are thinking... what tf is syaf doing, posting a fic when she’s in a hiatus she just posted yesterday? Also where is mad hatter chap 5 and epilogue? well, my brain likes to conjure up ideas at very inappropriate times (like rn) so bare with me and uh i’ve been really physically and mentally exhausted from work (retail is bathshit crazy) to write the mad hatter series so idk when will i update the two chapters but i’m working on it! thank you for being patient, and im sorry for causing you guys to wait for so long, ilysm don’t kill me <3 

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The end of the world.

The Battle of Hogwarts looked like the end of the world. Curses and spells thrown left to right, different kinds of bodies found at each corner and crook, walls here and there crumbling as down as hope for freedom. And blood.

At that point of time, the pools of blood on the floor look the same; pureblood or not. Because they bleed the same anguish red.

You didn't need to see the apocalypse of the world anymore. Screw the end of Mother Earth; this battle in front of your eyes was more than enough — sadly — to be your end of the world.

“Hey,” You called, causing Fred to turn his head around to your direction, his lips etched up a smile before replying with another hey. You sat next to him, the place where George had sat before he got up and left to speak with Professor Lupin.

Evil is winning, and good is losing. But then again, what difference would it make; if good kills as many as evil? At the end of the world, there is no good and evil alone. There are desperation, madness, and hunger for power, lust for victory brought along with them.

So, at the end of the world, you chose to be side by side with your lover, Fred Weasley. The red-headed dork you’ve taught yourself to pour your love into had become the very source of your life. He is your elixir, he is your soul, heart, and happiness.

It was silent for a while, none of you had anything to say. Yet the silence was comforting, with only the presence of each other as calming as it is. “Y/N,” Fred suddenly turned his head to you, biting his lower lip in contemplation. “Hm?” “Can you just stay at the Burrow?” 

You blinked, “What?” Fred sighed, “Can you just stay at the Burrow right now and not join the war? I- I don’t want you to join in-” “Fred-” “I-It’s dangerous and it’s literally a war a-and I don’t want you to get hurt I would- I would rather die than have you hurt-” 

“Fred!” You raised your voice, your hand clasping onto his securely, an effort to calm his frenzied thoughts. He stopped rambling and stared at you with those doe eyes you adored so much, “You know I can’t do that.”

“We need everyone on board for this war. I am no exception- bloody hell, even your parents are joining in, Freddie!” You tried to explain slowly, and Fred closed his eyes in denial of defeat. 

“I love you,” he suddenly blurted out. He noticed the slight fluster you had, your eyebrows were raised for a millisecond before they furrowed upon a realization, “Wait, why are you saying this now? I-“ “I love you, Y/N,” he repeated himself and you shook your head, realizing what he was doing, “Wait, hold on a minute, no-“

He was saying it in case anything happens.

“Y/N, I love you-” “Don’t you dare say it one more time like you’re not gonna make it, Fred Weasley, I swear to Merlin,” You cut him off, your jaw clenching at his absurdness. “… Aren’t you gonna say it back?” Fred asked, his voice was small.

“I-” You sighed, “No, I won’t because I don’t want to say it right now, given the circumstances,” You paused, your voice quieting down, “It felt like a goodbye when you say it like that.” “Then when will you say it? We’ve been dating for almost a year and you'd never say it before,” He said.

“Really? This is the time to argue about this?” You gave him a pointed look, but your expression softened as you understood the meaning behind his actions. “Look, Freddie, I- You know how I feel about us,” You sighed, looking down at your hands on your lap, “You know I’m not that expressive with my words but- but I’m trying and- okay, let’s make a deal,” Fred’s ears perked up the mention of a deal. "I'm listening," he drawled.

“I’ll say the words when the war is over,” Fred gave you a sour look that clearly said ‘really?’ and it caused you to huff a smile, “Once everything is over, and everything is okay again, I’ll say them as many times as you want me to, okay?” Fred leaned into your touch as you cupped his cheek with your hand, kissing his forehead.

“Even if I made you say it a thousand times?” He asked and you chuckled, your heart warming at his childlike question, “I’ll say it for an hour if you asked me to.”

It happened so fast.

One second you were fighting off the Death Eaters with Percy and Fred, and then the other, you find your body aching at the major pressure from the rocks and debris that used to be Hogwarts’ protective wall from the outside world.

It was dark, and it was dusty, but you were too unconscious to notice. That was until you felt your cheek being patted a few times. As you gained consciousness with a cough or two, you also gained the pending pain spreading all across your whole body. You couldn’t feel your legs, or safe to say your whole lower body part. 

Memories of you a few moments ago trying to push Fred away from the rumbles but ended up facing the falling stones head-on with him instead began to flow back into your mind. How foolish could you be to act like a hero, as if you could sacrifice yourself for him to live.

“… Y-Y/N…”

You turned your head with a silent grunt, and your eyes fixate at the body beside you, a few feet away, Fred. 

He had blood leaking from his nose and ears, probably from the impact, and his face was dusty with debris from the stones. As he looked at you, he threw you a smile; a weak, hiding the fact that he’s in immense pain kind of smile.

“F-fancy seeing you here,” he grunted with a wince, a smile nevertheless rested on his lips. “Fred…” you could only mutter his name, closing your eyes for a brief second at the growing pain on your thighs. The pressure from the rumbles had slowly increased, and you felt yourself losing consciousness again. Only to be brought back to open your eyes as Fred poked your cheeks a few more times, “Hey, hey, s-stay with me, love.”

“We’ll… We’ll be okay.”

You winced at the trickling sensation on your skin as you tried to move your fingers towards him, “It’s… It’s impossible, Fred…” You voiced out, your voice cracking up. You saw Fred’s lips quivered before he threw you another comforting smile, “Don’t… Don’t say that. We’ll make it… I-I know we will.”

“We… We will?”

Groaning from the injuries on his body as he tried to move closer to you, he nodded, “We will.”

You felt his fingers trying to reach for yours, and you handed him assistance as you hooked your fingers with his. His hand was cold, trembling. But it was Fred’s. And Fred’s hand is always warm.

“It’s… It’s so heavy,” You whimpered in pain, looking at Fred for comfort. All Fred wished to do at the moment was to be strong enough. Strong enough to push off these rumbles pressing onto his body. Strong enough to pull you out from the pain. All he wished for was for you to not be in pain anymore. But he knew he couldn’t do anything. The rumbles were too big, too heavy, and it would take a while for anyone to find them at the bottom of everything. 

Fred breathed out heavily through his mouth, slowly finding it difficult to breathe through his nose anymore, trying his best to look strong for you, “Stay with me, love. S-stay with me. Five more minutes. F-five more minutes and they’ll- they’ll save us…”

“Fred…”

“Five more minutes, I promise…”

You saw the desperation in his eyes, trying his best to somehow keep you afloat until you two are saved. You heard muffles from the other side, Percy screaming for Fred and you. His screams were sad and painful to hear; you would’ve cried for him if it wasn’t for the constant high-pitched ringing in your ears.

“Fred, h-hold my hand. P-please,” You whispered, finding no more strength to say anything louder than a whisper. He instantly intertwined your fingers with his, stretching as far as he could to reach you; no matter how screeching the pain in his lower body was.

“Fred,” You called him again. He chuckled a bit, “You’re… you’re saying my name a lot of times right now, darling.” You huffed a smile, the corner of your lips twitched, “… I want to ask you something.”

“… Anything.”

Your eyes met his, even in the darkness, his eyes still managed to look so beautiful. So earthly beautiful. “… Are you happy, Freddie?”

There was something about the way you say it, Fred couldn’t get a touch of what it was but… it felt like a goodbye. As much as Fred hated to admit, he wasn’t holding on much longer either. He was bleeding heavily from everywhere, his wand was out of his reach, and his body was starting to numb. His vision began to blur by itself, hence he blinked his eyes repeatedly. Trying his best to see your features clearly, one last time, if the worst happens.

This is it, he thought. This is the end of my line. 

Finding an urge to cry, but didn’t have enough strength to sob, Fred let out a tear or two onto the dusty surface he laid his head on, his eyes closing after the content stare of your beautiful— though bloody and dusty— face. How ironic, he’s slipping away first even though he was the one who said five more minutes.

If only you had five more minutes.

“W-with… With you? Heh, always… “ The whisper coming out from his mouth caused you to narrow your eyes at him. It felt strange, it felt wrong. Was he saying goodbye? Watching Fred close his eyes was alarming, so you gained all your strength to pat his hand a few times, “H-hey, Freddie… Five more minutes. Hang… Hang on for five more minutes, please.”

You squeezed his hand, and he naturally squeezed back, only this time it was weaker than usual. His grip on your hand started to soften, but you tightened yours desperately. The pain all over your body was partially forgotten, your only focus was on keeping Fred breathing and alive, as well as yourself. 

“I’m… I’m trying, my love… but I’m sleepy… and tired…” he mumbled, his words became slurred by time. He was on the edge, you realized that. Upon the sad realization, you bit your tongue, trying your best to prepare for the worst. “L-look at me, darling,” Your voice quivered, feeling the sandy surface on your temple as you tried to force your eyes open, to properly look at him, “Look at me.”

You knew it. He was slipping away from your fingers, and you were slipping too. It didn’t matter anymore even if Percy bulldozed his way to you now, it was too late. Simply too late. And that’s none of his faults. It’s none of his and none of yours.

Some things are just meant to be.

You took your other hand and placed it onto his cold, dirty cheek. Caressing his cheekbone gently, you gave him a comforting smile, “Fred.”

He looked at you, a faint smile on his lips. He’s at the end, you acknowledged. You widen your smile to assure him, although the tears escaping your eyes say otherwise, “… You make me happy. You make me so so happy. And I… I love you.”

“I love you, Freddie.”

With a big smile, Fred widened his eyes weakly, letting out a sigh of content as he looked at you with gentle eyes,“… Now that wasn’t so hard, now was it?“

Gentle eyes that soon hollowed empty.

“Yeah,” the dam of your tears broke down, “Took me a long time...” You squeezed his now lifeless hand, trying to find comfort and warmth from him for the last time. You smiled at Fred, whilst tears rolling down your temple slowly as if mourning the passing of your lover for you. You inched closer to him, careful not to graze your injuries, and met your nose with his.

You caressed his cheek, finally feeling yourself lose consciousness. This is it, you thought, I won’t wake up ever again. “You said we’ll be okay,” You whispered weakly, huffing a content smile on your lips. Staring into his eyes that had held so much love and pure unadulterated affection for you all these years, now empty with no trace of life, had sent you into pain more powerful than the injuries present on and in your body.

“I guess we will be, after this.”

“… You spent your last five minutes with me, huh?” You felt yourself going in and out of consciousness, and your vision blurring continuously, “Aren’t you a sappy git,” the mere whisper escaped your mouth with a sigh. The warm smile never left your lips, and the only thing in your mind was how peaceful he looked as of that moment, and you wondered if you’ll ever be in that state of peace, with him.  

“No- no- no!” someone was shouting. “No! Fred! no!” And Percy was shaking his brother, and Ron was kneeling beside them with his hand on Y/N’s head, and the pair of lovers stared at each other without seeing, the ghost of their last smile still etched upon their faces.

On our last few drags of air, we agree

I was, and you were

Happy

TAGLIST:

@multifandom-but​ @sirenswhispers​ @lilac-skies-xd​ @obsessedunicorn24​ @foggyturtleknightangel​​ @evewithluv​ @softlyqoos​ @fandoms-pizza-wifi-ym13​ @lilypad-55449​ @fiantomartell​ @hopemalfoyweasley​ @just-here-to-escape-from-reality​ @bucketandpotato​ @klausdatprettyboi​ @adoregin​ @littlechillies​ @phuvioqhile​ @sweetnspicysimp​ @wand3ringr0s3​ @harrypotter289​ @emptyporsche​ @tallyovie​  @potters-heart​ @amourtentiaa​ @lunalovecroft​ @loveboyhalo @lupinsclassroom​ @breadqueen95 @iwritesiriusly @rcwenaclaw​ @sevsbitxh​ @freds-slut​ @acosmis-t​ @colorfulprofessornickelangel​ @vote4weasleys​ @anchoeritic​​ @alluringshawn​ @cute-sidney​ @anna-banana-13​ @lostaurorax​ @emrysts​ @rosietoesy @lilgeorgie78 @prismarts @an2402lths

[dream-journalism]

journal entry | 3-10-20 | regarding shifting

I feel like i’ve been close to shifting these past two days (like really close), especially the day before yesterday. I think that if I’d been persistent and resisted scratching my side (it was too much I was dying) maybe I would’ve been able to do it.

Unfortunately last night was a bit of a mess and didn’t go as well as it had before; I tried some new methods involving songs, but youtube ads had this really funny idea of wanting to completely take me out of the experience and then Spotify also did me dirty by automatically playing more songs than I had queued (and no, the queue wasn’t looped, so it wasn't that either). The setbacks made me feel super frustrated, which obviously didn’t help, so I decided to keep giving those methods a try some other day and went back to using the raven and sunni method combination, which (as I mentioned in a previous post) has so far worked the best for me and shown me the most progress. 

Now, there’s two aspects of this that I want to explore, firstly it’s why I think I’m getting close, what have I noticed that changed? What’s different? What am I doing right? And the second one is why I feel like I haven't shifted yet, what am I missing? What am I doing wrong?

-

As for what I’m doing right, I feel like the Raven/Sunni method combination is working the best and most efficiently, and think I should stick to that one until I manage to learn how to shift with ease before trying something else and risking setting back or stalling my progress the way I did last night.

Now, there are a couple of reasons why I think I’m getting close: the symptoms have been coming way easier and more persistently than they did the first few days. The first few days that I started trying to shift I only seemed to get to a point of meditation and stopped there, which is great, it helped me concentrate and focus on visualizing, so that felt like a good first step, but recently, I’ve gotten past that and actually felt a bit different.

I’m going to talk a little bit about the symptoms that I’ve felt in more detail, mostly because I feel like most people who talk about them just say “dizziness, feeling like you’re floating” which, yes, that is what it feels like but personally for me, sometimes its hard to just base everything off of one word, because to me, there are different kinds of “dizzy”, for example.

Now, because I know these symptoms aren’t necessarily something that everyone experiences, but they seem to be the most common and generally accepted ones, as well as the ones that I have personally experienced so far and I will list them. They are in no particular order, since they all happen but don’t seem to have particular pattern in which I experience them.

Floating

This one is a bit confusing for me, not in the literal sense of the word, but it sort of overlaps with Detachment. The closest thing I can compare it to is when you’re swimming and you just completely relax your arm in the surface of the water and it’s, well floating.

I like to think of it as air fairies holding my arm up so it doesn’t fall through the mattress, I sort of stop feeling the sheets of my bed and the cold air of my AC, it’s this sort of just neutral feeling. In general, it’s just very relaxing. However it is with this symptom that I personally have the most trouble dealing with because as I start feeling it, at first its just calm and comforting, but after a few minutes, I start to get itchy spots (mostly in my legs and torso, which are the worst for me personally) and I have to concentrate really hard not to scratch them or think about them.

Dizziness

I felt dizzy, but it was a strange sort of dizzy. I’m anemic so, I’m pretty familiar with bed-dizziness, and for a second, I thought it was just that, but, it felt different. Instead of it being like everything around me was moving, it felt like I was the one moving. My back was still to the bed but it felt as if I was standing and the mattress was behind me. And yes, the world around me does move a little bit, though its not painfully disorienting, it just feels sort of like when you get off of a trampoline, or done a lot of exercise a lot and your legs make the ground feel wobbly, but in my head.

Detachment

I don’t know if this is what people call but the best way I can describe it is feeling detached from my body, something similar to disassociating (if you know what that feels like). To me, it feels the way a 3D movie without glasses looks, off kilter, like my body is the red and I am the blue. When I say I, I mean my brain, my soul, my essence, whatever you’d like to call it, but thats what it feels like. They’re not quite separated from one another yet, like in a 3D movie, they’re still touching, but they’re definitely out of phase.

The most noticeable parts for me are the arms, sometimes they feel a bit shorter for my actual, physical arms (which makes sense, since I did script that I start at a younger age in my DR) and they want to move forwards and reach for what I’m visualizing in front of me. The only thing that has stopped me from actually doing this (re: reaching out) is that a lot of different elements are still the same (i can still feel my sheets, i can still hear my AC running, etc.) and I don’t want to break concentration until I’m sure 100% I’ve shifted.

Other Symptoms

Some other symptoms that I’ve been feeling (but honestly I don’t think too much of them for a couple of reasons) are seeing Angel Numbers and Migraines /Headaches. Now why am I talking about these separately? Because they don’t particularly mean anything to me, but they are listed as some of the most common symptoms you experience during the day when you’re close to shifting (but not necessarily attempting).

Migranes/Headaches are something I experience quite often, it’s just something that runs in my family and my caffeine addiction doesn't help at all, so even though I had one throughout the entire day yesterday (the day after I have felt the closest ever to shifting), I don’t want to get my hopes up about it, since it’s not an uncommon thing to happen to me, however, it is still worth noting (if this is something you experience though, and it doesn’t happen to you often, then I’d probably take it as a sign that you’re close! Hooray!)

And as for Angel Numbers, they’re something that I’ve been seeing a lot of in these past two-three days (of course, when I say “a lot” I mean once a day or so.) I don’t count the Angel Numbers I see on my fyp on Tik Tok for example, because it makes sense to me that I’d see them on posts regarding Shifting Realities because those feel a bit like cheating, of course I’d see them under that particular topic. Though not gonna lie, I’m a little bit of a skeptic when it comes to Angel Numbers (I know i shouldn’t be but i just can’t help it), but it doesn't take away the fact that I HAVE been seeing them

-

Now that I have the positives down and the changes I’ve felt identified, I want to focus on why I think I haven’t shifted yet. Other than the fact that yesterday all the shifting setbacks really threw me off from the progress I thought I had made, it made me feel really frustrated and I feel like that negative thinking and feeling carried on with me until I fell asleep, which is never good, so I need to stay positive, and I think I will, now that I’ve mulled it over, so that should be good.

I’ve also had a really busy week so I’ve been super distracted in general and haven't been able to prepare as well as I would’ve liked for the Sunni method, but I’m going to try to get some preparation in before I go to bed, and since I can sleep in tomorrow, I won't feel as much pressure. I hope that’ll give me the last little push that I need to shift.

-

As of writing this, its 11pm and I’m going to prepare as best I can for the Sunni method before I wash off and then go to sleep. Hopefully today will be the day, and if not, I hope it’ll be soon.

[purplesurveys]

1034

survey by tater-tots What is a fruit that you might eat in the morning? Hahahaha. That’s a pass for me; I can’t imagine regularly eating fruit at any set time of the day.

Do you enjoy any food combinations that others might consider to be weird? I like to eat fish with mayonnaise, which was always normal in our household but I realized was weird when I first saw the horrified expressions on my friends’ faces when they saw me use the combination. I like mayonnaise with a lot of other foods as well, which a lot of people generally find weird.

What is a green vegetable that you enjoy eating? Broccoli and asparagus.

Name something you might find in a salad. In my salad, you’ll always find tuna sashimi in it heh.

What is your favorite type of sandwich? Anything that’s like an Eggs Benedict or Monte Cristo. 

Which condiment do you use the most often? Mayo, for sure. Banana ketchup too. I also like sriracha sauce but my dad hasn’t been buying a new bottle of it for a while. 

Name a chocolate bar that you enjoy eating. It’s called Whittaker’s - just not sure what country it hails from; maybe Australia? - and I like their peanut butter variant. Google also told me it’s a New Zealander brand.

What is a meat that you do not eat - ever. Dog or cat.

Are you lactose intolerant, or have any other sort of food allergies? I’m mildly lactose intolerant but I ignore it because a lot of my favorite foods use dairy. Other than that, no food allergies.

What was the last food that you burnt your mouth on? Just plain rice, haha. I had been extremely hungry and I just wanted to dig in; but I ended up spitting it back out.

Which brand of soup do you eat? I don’t regularly have soup, much less buy canned brands of it. 

What are some flavors of ice cream that your enjoy? Cookies and cream, mint chocolate, coffee, chocolate chip cookie dough, queso real.

What is the best type of cookie, in your opinion? I like keeping things classic when it comes to cookies, and I’ve always been perfectly happy with chocolate chip cookies :)

Would you rather have popcorn, pretzels, or chips as your salty snack? Chips. I dislike the other two as I only like the softer, doughy version of pretzels.

Have you thought about going on a diet & actually went through with it? No.

--

survey by pinkchocolate

When you woke up today, was there anything on your mind? Kinda. I felt sad and I was aware of it instantly, compared to most days where the sadness will take a while to build.

Who was the last person you interacted with for the first time? Literally speaking, maybe the barista at Starbucks who took my temperature at the entrance before I was let in the store. I interacted with her yesterday.

What colour was the wrapper of the last snack you ate? White. It’s more of a tiny bag than a wrapper, though.

Do you have a favourite mug to drink from? What does it look like? Yeah, I’ve since claimed my mom’s mug for myself. It’s a copper mug with the Starbucks label on it. It looks super minimalist which I appreciate.

What was the last thing you used, that came in a spray can? It was a Lysol spray.

What colour is your favourite bra? Don’t really have one.

Who was the last person you went to for advice about something? I think it was Andi. I’ve been going to them a lot for help, advice, extra sanity, etc. lately. If it hasn’t been for them I probably would’ve left a few months back.

Have you had a deep conversation with anyone lately? Yes. I finally met up with Gab yesterday to discuss a lot things, iron some stuff out, figure out where to go from here.

What was the last compliment you recall receiving from someone? I’m not sure, I haven’t been receiving any.

And the last compliment you gave to someone else? It was most likely a compliment for Andi on how helpful they’ve been to me.

What kind of bread did you eat most recently? Flatbread.

What was the last sound you heard, that you found pleasant? We were watching a mass livestream earlier and I was delighted when they played the closing song.

How many books do you think there are in your house? Take a rough guess. I would guess around 60, the overwhelming bulk of them mine.

Of all the books you own, which do you think has the most pages in it? It would definitely either be Gone with the Wind or Les Miserables, but I’m not sure which one is thicker.

^ And how many pages is that? I checked both of my copies and they’re soooo close – GWTW has 1,440 pages while Les Mis has 1,463.

What was the last film you saw at the cinema? What did you think of it? Knives Out. I went to the mall yesterday and the cinemas were still closed, so it’s not like I’d be able to watch new movies at theatres anyway. Anyway, I’ve been vocal about the movie enough times on my surveys but I didn’t enjoy it. Whodunnits were never my cup of tea, but Gab had wanted to see it and I didn’t want to make her watch the film alone.

In the last book you read, what was the main character's name? Haven’t been reading.

What was the last song you heard, that meant something to you? Lose by Niki.

How many people do you know whose name begins with Z? I can only recall one such person at the moment; it’s one of my mom’s aunts who also doubled as a principal sponsor for my mom and dad’s wedding.

What do you expect to be doing at this time tomorrow? Maybe doing my embroidery (my package finally arrived!!) or surveys or watching Start-Up, because tomorrow will be a holiday :)

--

survey by luckforlemmy

Did you start listening to more Michael Jackson after his death? I can remember that there was definitely a brief period after his death that I caught up with his discography and listened to MJ nearly everyday; I read up on him and his life as well. 11 year old me figured he must’ve been an interesting figure because of the big reception around his death, so I wanted to know the reasons behind it.

When was the last time that you played hide and seek? I can vividly remember the day when Nina and I played hide and seek when the house was newly-built and still devoid of furniture, back in maybe ‘07 or ‘08. I’m fairly certain that was the last time I played hide and seek.

Who was your first celebrity crush, if you can remember? It was a tie between Ashley Tisdale and Zac Efron, though the older I get the more I’ve been convinced that I ‘crushed’ on Zac only because I was surrounded by girls who went crazy over him in school. I’m pretty sure my first real celebrity crush was Ashley, hahaha.

Do you worry about money? Yeah, especially now. I can’t even enjoy my first paycheck because most of it’s gonna go to Christmas presents, but oh well; at least I can finally buy gifts for my loved ones who’ve always gotten me presents.

Have you ever had to beg for a second chance? Kind of, when I was trying to convince Gab to let our relationship have another shot four years ago. Beg is a strong word for what I actually did, though. It was more of me pitching the idea, not begging.

When was the last time that you sent an actual letter through the mail? I don’t think I even ever did that, not even when I was younger and snail mail was still kind of a thing.

Are you excited to return to school? There’s nothing to return to anymore. Unless I decided to take up a post-grad course in the future, I’m done with school.

Do you hate Internet abbreviations? It can just feel a bit jarring when they’re used excessively in a single sentence, but I honestly don’t mind it for the most part. It’s understandable especially now that most, if not all, of my interactions whether personal or for work happen online.

What was the last insult you gave out? I was never really the roasting type of person, not even towards my friends.

What'd you last look up on YouTube? Hahaha I looked up ‘skynwallz.’ I was looking for the episode of Rhett and Link’s vlogs where they painted the rooms of their offices in the color of their entire person – hair, eyes, and skin. They were joking about starting a new business for it called Skynwallz, so that’s what I looked up.

Are you texting someone really awesome right now? No, I prefer to be alone today.

Do you know when to be serious and when you shouldn't be? Er sure, it’s not that hard.

Do you think that you're funny? I like my sense of humor, yeah, but I know it’s not always going to translate to everybody’s tastes. For example, I’m still figuring out the dynamic in the team I was put in at work, so I can’t make the same jokes that I would normally say with my co-interns with whom I have a more comfortable relationship.

Have you ever sent a secret to Post Secret? I don’t know what this is, so no.

What movie do you really want to see in theatres right now? They aren’t showing anything at the moment. A movie I want to see badly, though, is Ammonite.

Have either of your parents shown affection for you today? My mom made breakfast for us, if it counts. She also gives each of her kids a kiss during the peace-giving portion at mass, so there’s that as well.

What's the last thing that you sang out loud? I watched Start Up before this survey and was humming to the song that was being played at the end of the episode. I couldn’t sing along to it because it was in Korean, but I knew the melody so I hummed.

Is there a word that you always misspell? Rhythm is one of my worst enemies for sure. I also have a love-hate relationship with accommodate.

What was the last thing that you bought that someone else benefited from? I met up with Gabie yesterday and bought her her favorite meal from Yabu to break the ice – menchi katsu with brown rice. I originally got mozzarella sticks for myself but when we got to talking, she mentioned her sisters at one point; I remembered how much I miss them, so I gave up my food and told her to just give my food to her sisters since I hadn’t touched it yet anyway.

Has someone ever made you a really great mix CD? Andi gave me one before she made the flight to New Zealand 10 years ago to permanently live there. I believe I still have it, but I’m just not sure where it currently is.

Have you ever been on Omegle.com? Yes, when I was a teenager and it was new.

Did you talk to someone cool there? Not really; most seem to exit our chat after we did the whole asl thing. I also avoided the webcam option because my anxiety for video calls has always been present.

What song reminds you of your best friend? Any song by The Maine.

Who was the last person to hit on you? Some creep on Facebook.

What's on the paper nearest you? It’s the guide for my embroidery kit. It tells me what stitches to do and the colors of thread to use for the different parts of the template I was provided with.

Do you have a set of lyrics that you really love? From Paramore’s Pool: “As if the first cut wasn’t deep enough, I dove in again ‘cause I’m not into giving up Could’ve gotten the same rush from any lover’s touch, But why get used to something new When no one breaks my heart like you” I scream those lyrics every time they come on. I know I often showed the good, shiny side of my relationship on these surveys; but it was very much toxic at a lot of points and those lyrics - and that song - served as a nest for me, something that told me someone understands how I sometimes felt about my own relationship.

Did you get an A in your last English class? I got a 1.25 instead of a perfect 1.00, but I think that’s still equivalent to an A so yes.

What did you last use scissors for? Cutting thread.

Did you ever secretly hate a friend of yours that thought you liked them? That makes me sound shitty lol, but yeah I’ve acted nicely to people I don’t particularly like.

What do you think of when I say "boat"? That episode of Friends where Joey bought himself a boat at an auction; and Canadian accents.

Would you ever get a tattoo sleeve? Nope. I planned on getting one as a teenager, but I grew out of that phase.

Do you know any really fake people? Yep. I think everyone’s got to be at some point.

What does the last blanket you used look like? It’s pink and has multi-colored polka dots on it.

Do you have appreciation for graffiti? Sure, especially if it’s for political purposes (that I agree with).

Why don't you drive? I do. I just have done it a lot less because I have had little need for driving and traveling to places throughout the pandemic.

Does it annoy you when your printer runs out of ink? I think we have the kind of printer that never runs out of ink, but I’m not exactly sure about the terminologies or how the technology works. I let my sister do the printing hahaha.

Have you ever drank anything from a thermos? Yes, mostly water and coffee.

When was the last time you played in the snow? Never.

Do you know any ignorant people? Sure, mostly Gen X-ers and Boomers.

What is the coolest name you've ever heard? Thylane.

What did you last argue with someone about? Relationship stuff. It wasn’t a full-blown argument, but when Gab and I talked yesterday it was natural for us to disagree on a few points.

Is there anyone that you dislike for no real reason? Hmm, I don’t think so. If I feel that strongly about someone, I usually have a reason otherwise it wouldn’t be fair to them.

Have you had a good day? It was okay; it was nice. I got to do my embroidery hoop art thing, got to watch a couple episodes of Start Up, played with Cooper, and now I’m doing these surveys and am planning to continue my embroidery later. It’s nice to feel productive about non-work things :)

Are you going to have a good night? I hope.

[patroclusblack]

I wish I could lay down beside you, when the day is done, and wake up to your face against the morning sun, but like everything I’ve ever known, you dissapear one day, so I spend my hold life hiding my heart away.

I haven’t written anything for a while, I’m not sure why. Maybe I was busy. I don’t know how many days I’ve been quarantined now. I think this will be my fifth week.

I’m really fortunate, I know, that I have a roof over my head and I still have a job, and frankly I’m not a social person anyway, so it hasn’t really been much of an adjustment. It is however, very reminiscent of the early 20’s, of The Great Depression, when I barely left the house. Back when I was crying and drinking a lot, battling with bulimia and cutting myself, literally, off from the world. I had you though didn’t I. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. *insert eye roll gif*

I think this post is just going to be me talking about a thing, I haven’t talked to anyone in a while. I need to explain first though.

For the last month I’ve been somewhat semi-productive. Woke up at 1pm, walked the dogs, cleaned the house, watched some TV, got drunk. Lather, rinse, repeat.

My best friend moved to Scotland not long after my birthday a couple of months back, and she didn’t tell me. I’m not a big one for social media anymore because it puts me in a very negative headspace so I don’t have the apps; I missed the big Facebook announcement. I found out when my mum asked me how she was coping with the change, two weeks later, because my mum had seen her updates. You’d have thought it would’ve dropped into conversation wouldn’t ya?

My other best friends all live in the city now or with their new families, they’re not far but are all locked up in their flats so we’ve been doing the group chat house party stuff to keep in touch but the funs fizzled now. One of said friends is a nurse so she’s busy a lot, and she has a relative who isn’t doing too well. The others are mostly working from home so I’m kinda stuck to my own devices; Masterbating, Netflix, Tequila. So that’s where the concept of productivity kicks in, I have zero routine now but I need to keep busy. Self care and all that. I tried to do some baking but now there’s a national shortage of flour and there’s only so many repeats of Heartbeat and updates from Boris that I can watch with my Dad. So I’m lonely. I’m lonely anyway, but now I’m lonelier. Lonelily.

Yesterday I tried to tackle the boxes of things I’ve just accumulated over the years - ie stuff I didn’t know what to do with so it got shoved under my bed and forgotten about. At first it was just the odd sock, a discarded Christmas present and weirdly, a lot of cables and old chargers. (Cut forward to 20 years from now when they find my body on an episode of hoarders surrounded my hdmi cables and an abundance of bags for life). Eventually shoes and books I’d forgotten about. A set of weights and a set of watercolours; a good all round car boot sale really.

Then came the treasure trove. This fuckin time capsule. A box I completely forgot existed. Lots of sketch pads, holiday photos of me being skinny and with friends, a shit tonne of those photo keyrings you used to be able to get in clubs on nights-out. Piles of fashion magazines, posters of Amy and magazine cutouts of Gaga and ticket stubs - yeah this is all cute but why did I - oh. There it is : therapy notes and worksheets, mental health pamphlets, medical forms, mood diaries, journals, referrals. Then letters, between us and this secret project I put my entire heart and soul and blood and sweat and tears into. It was gonna be for your 23rd if I remember. Everything I ever wanted to say to you, every thought, feeling, song, poem, memory, everything I could never give you. Drawings. My heart just vomiting all over the place. All of the plans we made that never happened, our kids names, every joke, every reference, every us. Every heartache. There’s a boy across the river, but alas, I cannot swim.

For what felt like a good hour, the air was dead. Dazed & Confused.

Part Of Your World (Reprise) and a picture I drew of us. That did it.

It didn’t just pull the plug. No it wasn’t nice. It was fresh and raw and guttural and bloody. Every word erupted back through my entire body, every memory was molten and burnt through my skin and I sobbed my heart until my eyes stung dry. It was a stun gun but there it was on my lap, this book I’d built of me and you, drenched with tears. To my person.

And I’m back to this age old question - why can’t I let you go? It’s been years now. YEARS.

You’re burnt into my brain and I don’t know how to get rid of you. We’ve moved on, I’ve loved since, you’ve loved since, I know you’re not part of my life and won’t be a part of my life so why am I crying over you again and again and again. And now I can’t get the plug back in and I’m drowning again L. How do I make it stop?

Maybe it was because it felt like the love of a lifetime and I, we, put our entire selves into each other, that maybe part of me just never wanted it to be for nothing?

All I want is the mundane again, I want the blunt boredom and no sense of time back. Give me lockdown. Not this constant yearning and remembering and dull heart ache. Except I’m in quarantine, with nothing but you and I can’t ignore it this time. It’s you, it’s all for you.

I do need to confront this hold I have on you and nows the time to do that I guess. Maybe you are really the reason I can never attach myself to somebody new like people used to tell me. I don’t want the world, I just want myself back. I want a life and a future and I wanna be in love. For years I thought I’d put a barrier up because I couldn’t be torn apart again, but maybe I just never let you go. What we had was completely magnificent, and you were incomparible. I’ll always adore you and be thankful for loving you but I can’t keep putting the lid on it hiding you away in a box under my bed anymore.

I thought I didn’t need to grieve for us anymore. Maybe it’s the cabin fever setting in and I’ve finally just snapped, who knows, I’m lonely and emotions are high. I just can’t keep crying to that fucking Adele song.

Me and my heart we got issues.

[adapted-batteries]

All Fun and Games

Fandom: The Librarians

Rating: General, with a bit of language

Relationship: Jazekiel

Word Count: 2041

Stone decides to finally start serenading Ezekiel, but it doesn’t go as planned. Inspired by @uncontinuous’s post.

Also posted on my Ao3.

---

April 1st was not a good day to start serenading Ezekiel Jones. Stone thought it was just a Monday, that is until Cassandra blasted an air horn at him as he rounded a corner after he got finished placing his gifts. Stone nearly jumped out of his pants, and barely restrained himself from punching Cassandra out of reflex.

“April Fools!” she shouted after she stopped the air horn. Based on the huge grin on her face, Cassandra was enjoying herself.

“That’s today?” Stone asked, eyes wide.

Cassandra didn't notice his concern. “Yup!”

“Shit.”

“What? You still have plenty of time to plan a prank,” Cassandra said.

Stone turned around, hoping he could get to the gifts before Ezekiel showed up. “No, it's not that-”

“Nice one Stone,” Ezekiel said, walking down the corridor with chocolates in one hand and a small piece of paper Stone had written a poem on in the other. “Totally surprised me. I didn't take you for someone who celebrates April Fool’s.” He walked past blushing Stone and really confused Cassandra like nothing happened.

Stone looked at Cassandra, eyes somehow even wider in panic. She shrugged back, giving him a little helpless grin before sauntering off after Ezekiel. With a noise of frustration, Stone followed them into the main room of the Annex.

By the time Stone entered the main room, Ezekiel had already managed to get into the box and eat several truffles. Cassandra didn’t exactly have clean hands either, as she literally was licking something off her fingers. Jenkins had been eyeing the box, but abruptly stood up straight when he noticed Stone.

“It wasn’t a pr-” Stone started, but the clippings book interrupted by shaking and flapping its pages. Reluctantly, the other Librarians abandoned the chocolates to see what their job was going to be today.

The mission was pretty fast paced, no time for Stone to pull Ezekiel aside and clarify what the gifts were actually for. By the time they got back, Ezekiel left for his apartment first thing, leaving Stone and Cassandra alone after Jenkins left to put the new artifact away for safekeeping. They both trudged to the Library’s mud room, thankful for heating and the promise of Jenkins’s tea in a bit.

“Do you want me to talk to him?” she asked Stone as they both de-layered from their day trip into another lovely Scandinavian snow storm.

“No! I mean, no, I’ll do it,” Stone quipped, shrugging out of a parka and placing it on a hanger.

“Alright,” Cassandra said, folding up a wool scarf next to the hat and gloves she had placed back on their shelf. “You know how he can be though…”

“I know, but I think if we both came at him he’d do his avoid and deny act,” Stone countered as he sat on a bench to pull off the heavy, still snow-caked boots he had on. “I just need to catch him at the right time.”

Stone found Ezekiel’s April Fools prank on him when he got in his truck that evening; the thief had flipped the wires around making it impossible to accelerate without honking his horn, or turning on the headlights without turning the windshield wipers on at full blast, etc. It was a pain to fix back, which thankfully he knew how to do, but it was better than driving home as loud and as obnoxiously as he possibly could.

---

He thought he had the right time a couple days later. Nothing came in the clippings book so everyone was doing their own thing somewhere in the Library. He left a note for Ezekiel, telling him to meet in the weapons room. Stone didn’t exactly hurry, but he didn’t lollygag either on his way there.

The lights in the room came up as he opened the door, glinting off all the metal. Normally Ezekiel would toy with stuff if he got somewhere first, but the weapons looked untouched that he could tell. Stone walked further in the room, letting the door shut behind him, content to wait till Ezekiel arrived.

As he was going over what he was going to say to Ezekiel, he heard a faint clicking sound to his left, on one of the weapons racks. Instinct took over as he stepped back, loosened axe slicing through the space where his hand had just been. Stone looked at the axe after it clattered to the ground. Tied around the handle was some thin, clear wire, anchored back on the stand where the safety latch had been undone.

Stone grabbed the axe, cutting off the wire with the axe that sat next to it. He ventured further in the room, keeping a much better eye on the weapons around him. Nothing else attempted to hack at him, until he neared the not-so-decorative suits of armor. He gave each one a good look, but nothing seemed amiss.

He thought about just waiting near the door for Ezekiel, and started heading back in that direction when one of the suits behind him stepped down from its stand. Reflex came to Stone’s aid once more as he slammed the blunt side of the axe into the shoulder of the armor, effectively staggering the person. Whoever it was would only have a sore shoulder if they hadn’t stumbled in precisely the worst direction, into a large rack of shields. Said rack of shields was also in perfect toppling distance of Stone, burying him in hard metal and solid wood.

“That...didn’t go...as planned,” a slightly muffled Ezekiel announced, shifting shields off himself as he sat up in the suit.

Stone purposely threw the shield that had smacked him in the face at Ezekiel. “As planned?!”

A sword burst into the room, slamming the door against the stone wall, yipping at the two on the floor. A winded Flynn ran in after it. “Wait, Cal...slow down,” he panted, stopping short of the mess. “What happened here? You freaked Cal out for sure.”

“Accident,” they both mumbled.

“Why are you in a suit of armor?” Flynn asked Ezekiel, clearing a path to help him up.

“Uh, prank,” Ezekiel said, wincing as Flynn pulled on the sore shoulder.

“This was a prank?” Stone said, getting up by himself. He felt his face, finding his lip had taken the brunt of the shield and was bleeding.

“Okay Stone, help me get him out of this armor. Cal, can you go get Jenkins?” Flynn said, already fiddling the straps on Ezekiel. The sword yipped at him then promptly flew out of the room.

The two of them managed to free Ezekiel, revealing several tender spots from smashing into, and being smashed by things. Jenkins showed up, quite annoyed, and sent Ezekiel and Stone off to ice down bruises before they could swell too much. Stone intended to talk to Ezekiel then, but having your face smacked by a twenty pound shield doesn’t exactly make talking fun, and having an ice pack over it felt much better.

---

Stone intended to catch him the next day. He figured those bruises were gonna make Ezekiel more late than he usually arrived, which gave him ample time to leave a different but pretty obvious poem at Ezekiel’s secret entrance, and some more chocolates to help with the pain. He waited for Ezekiel to find him, occupying himself with a book in the Annex.

“You really need to step up your prank game,” Ezekiel said, announcing his entrance into the Annex. Stone didn’t hear him walk in, as usual, so his voice made Stone jump a little.

“What? I’ve not been pranking you.” Stone put the book on the desk. “Have ya not read the poems?”

“You did it on April Fools, how was I supposed to take it?” Ezekiel sat on the edge of the desk, putting the chocolates down next to him. “So...you’re serious…”

“Yeah, I am.” Stone watched him fidget a bit, but he didn’t leave.

“Sorry about yesterday. I thought you were trying to spook me,” Ezekiel shrugged. “When I got to the room, you weren’t there, so I wanted to get ahead of you.”

Stone nodded at him, standing up to stretch his legs. “Maybe next time don’t do that in a room filled with sharp objects and heavy things.”

“Yeah, I figured that out.” Ezekiel rolled the shoulder Stone had hit. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”

Stone raised his eyebrows. “You didn’t?” He chuckled to himself. “And here I thought I had been obvious for months.”

Ezekiel looked at him, thoughtful. “I guess some things make more sense now.”

“Like what, exactly?” Stone asked, curious.

“Oh, just some looks, the touching, being in my space, that sort of thing. I thought that was just you being you,” Ezekiel said. “Apparently I was wrong.”

Stone stepped closer to him, stopping a few inches away from his knees. “Like I said, thought I was bein’ obvious with all that. I wasn’t exactly doin’ it to anyone else.”

“Here you go again, ignoring my personal space,” Ezekiel chided, not putting any snark into it. Instead, he leaned forward ever so slightly.

“And what are ya gonna do about it?” Stone teased, leaning in a little himself.

“Well, I have some ideas,” Ezekiel breathed, sliding forward on the desk a bit, trapping Stone in between his knees.

Stone got the hint and closed the distance between them. He would’ve liked to stay longer but his lip in particular protested greatly. Stone pulled away slightly, hissing. “Damn shield.” He pressed his forehead against Ezekiel’s. “We’ll continue this later.”

“It’s a date, Cowboy,” Ezekiel purred, kissing him on the cheek instead. Stone pulled away more so he could narrow his eyes at Ezekiel. “What? Everyone’s got their kinks.”

“Jones!” Stone sputtered, face going red.

“You can’t tell me with all the times you brag about being a good ol’ country boy that you don’t like being called that,” Ezekiel quipped with a smirk. “I’ve got my kinks too. You know, there’s that song, oh, what were those lyrics, ‘save a horse, ride a cowboy,’ wasn’t it?”

“Ezekiel…” Stone rumbled this time, who looked equal parts flustered and turned on.

“Looks like we share that one, hm?” Ezekiel teased. “That one’s gotta wait though, I’m too sore from yesterday.”

Cassandra chose to walk in just as Ezekiel finished his sentence. “Oh good, you’re talking to him...you were doing more than talking weren’t you?”

“No-” Stone started, but Cassandra was already walking past them to the main table.

“Totally fine, congrats, don’t mind me just need these books here, then I’ll be gone,” she interrupted, gathering books in a haphazard fashion. “But like, don’t do anything in here...where we work, I’m sure everyone else would appreciate it.”

“Do you really think Flynn and Eve haven’t-” Ezekiel started, but Cassandra was already speeding her way out of the room.

“I don’t want to think about it thank you very much, and I’d rather not have to think about you to doing...it...as well so I’m leaving now,” she said, quickly walking out of the room.

Ezekiel snickered as she made her hasty exit. “Lucky for her I’m too sore to climb stairs right now, let alone have some fun.”

“Actually I agree with her,” Stone said, earning an eyebrow raise from Ezekiel. “Unlike you I have a sense of decency.”

“Uh huh, we’ll see how decent you are in a few days, when I can move without impersonating my grandad,” Ezekiel challenged, hopping off the desk and then immediately regretting the sudden impact. Through his wince of pain, he smirked at Stone. “Plus, she only said in here...and there’s plenty of rooms in the Library.”

“Alrighty there, Grandpa Jones, don’t wantin’ you to get too riled up there or you’ll fall over,” Stone patronized, hooking his arm around Ezekiel’s like he was helping an elderly lady cross the road. Ezekiel batted him away playfully, definitely not putting any effort into it. “Sounds like a little walk around will help your stiff joints, whadaya say Grandpa?”

“Dude, that’s not my kink,” Ezekiel said, partially joking. Stone chuckled, kissing him on the temple as they ambled out of the Annex.

---

Post notes: If that last scene sounded familiar, it would be because I wrote it, then realized they had a similar conversation in my other fic “Dooooggg Boooiii” and decided not to change it since I apparently think this is what they’d say. Guess I’m a sucker for them realizing their not-so-platonic behaviors.

[fanfiction-for-me]

More than Halfway There

Tour, how can I describe touring? It's more than awesome, it's a total experience. It's like being on a slumber party, combined with a party, combined with concerts, combined with people, combined with lots of dirt... and disaster. Yep, that part is not that awesome. But it is in general. And even more when a certain member of Big Time Rush keeps in touch with you.

James and I messaged almost everyday. The first time he did it, we had just arrived to Las Vegas, our first stop, and I had just posted that in twitter. Two minutes later, my phoned buzzed. It was James! I had been worried he had forgotten about me (ask Sass, she had heard me suffer about him not texting me: "What if I wrote my number wrong?" "What if he really didn't like me as much as I thought?"), but apparently he hadn't. I looked at my message.

"Hey, good luck on your first show! Break a leg, beautiful ;)".

That last part had me swooning. Davie got mad over it, and that was what confirmed to me that he was jealous... or protective; I don't know. Lila was happy for me, and told me she wouldn't have gotten so worked up about him not texting me in the last 2 days, but of course she would say that. Kendall texted her the afternoon after the party, and the next day… and every other day. Sass was also happy, but mostly relieved that I wouldn't be crying "over nothing" like she would say.

After that I could finally be at peace. James always texted me first (or DM'd me) and after that we stayed writing for hours. Our confidence with each other grew and soon we became really good friends, but I could still feel like there was something else in there, like he was fond of me or had a crush in me, and I'm being completely modest here. It was the way in which he called me names like ‘beautiful’ and stuff. He also did this thing in which he would playfully flirt with me and I would go with it, you know, just fooling around, right? Yeah, well not so much.

Also, there was this time when we did a video chat.

The tour had only one month left of it. I was exhausted, but still really happy. We were in Canada, playing two shows and we had one day free in between, so that night James and I agreed we would turn on our cameras and chat a little. I shared my room with the guys, but they were out at the moment, buying fifty liters of maple syrup and a canadian ranger hat for Davie (long story). When I was set with my laptop, I sent a message to James and five minutes later he was on.

"Whoa, Chelle" James made a surprised face.

"What?"

"Is my camera playing with the image or are you hotter than the last time we video chatted?" I narrowed my eyes at his comment. I was wearing my pj's and my hair was uncombed. My makeup was a little smeared now that I saw my camera view. Why didn't I try to fix my appearance? I looked like I was about to go to sleep!

"That's the worst pickup line ever Jamie, even worse than the one from last time. How can I look hot in these?" I gestured to my loose Green Day t-shirt and my pink pajama shorts.

"You do. There's something hot about informality. Are you gonna tell me" and he started wiggling his fingers over his face, "that I don't look hot with what I'm wearing?" he finished cockily.

He did look hot, but that's off the point, because he is already hot. He could wear a diaper and look hot. It's not fair also, because I'd already told him that I thought that when he used that beanie and his glasses he looked better than even when he dressed up. He told me he didn't thought so, and I couldn't believe that. I was starting to see his point. Maybe seeing me on my pj's all untidy was the same for me to see him on his sweatpants and tank tops.

"Yeah, I guess you're right" I smirked defeated.

"I always am"

"Don't get so full of yourself Mr. Maslow."

"But why can you do that then?" he complained.

"Just because" I grinned.

"Not fair" James replied. Gosh, I really loved it when he wore glasses.

"No, you're right, it isn't... virtual kiss?" he nodded and I blew a kiss that he caught and "pasted" on his cheek. I giggled through all that. It was a cheesy little thing we improvised the first time we video chatted, when we were saying our goodbyes and I blew him a kiss.

We stayed silent for a small moment, smiling at each other and subduing our chuckles.

"How have you been hun?"

"I thought I told you yesterday I was a little worn out"

"Yeah, but I mean, do you want to come home?" he questioned seriously.

Thinking about it, I did want to get home. I missed my bed, even though I had just slept on it for a month. I also couldn't wait to see James in person and hug him. "I do."

"I want you to come home too"

"Why?"

"It's gonna sound crazy because I just got to meet you that one time, but I think I miss you"

It didn't sound crazy at all. You would've thought that the constant talking and messaging would cover it but it made it worse somehow. It kinda made the want stronger. "It's not. I miss you too."

"You do?" and he seemed surprised by that.

"Yeah, I do. Thank goodness it's only 23 more days and we'll be able to see each other. In person" I smiled at him.

"Yeah" and he grinned wide "no more Worldwide Girl" James chuckled.

"Aw, I've always wanted to be Worldwide Girl!" that was a true story. I remember how I would watch live BTR performances and wish I were the one they would sing that song to.

"You have been my Worldwide Girl for the past five months"

"You still haven't sang to me though" I said, claiming my serenade.

"Neither have you sang to me" he replied smugly.

"Aw, come on, please?"

"I'm kidding, you don't have to beg" and with that he reached for a bottle of water, sipped a drink, cleared his throat a little and cracked his knuckles.

I laughed at his meticulous preparation "Do you have to do all that? I'm the only one here"

"I want to do this right, and I'm not even playing" James said with a serious face and I reddened. He looked right into the camera, so it seemed like he were looking into my eyes, and started singing.

Wait a minute, before you tell me anything, how was your day? Cuz I've been missing you by my side. Did I awake you- He hadn't even gotten to finish the first verse when Davie came running into the room.

"Chelle! They want to kill me!"

Dammit! Damn Davie, he always seemed to interrupt James and me on our best moments!

"Davie! I'm chatting with James here and have no time to save you so die."

Davie just looked at me with an expression that was part annoyance, part anger "Do I look like I care? You're always speaking with him anyway"

"I don't care if you don't care and what I do is my business so get the fuck out now" I tried to reply as calmed as possible but the swear word came out. Oops.

"You like him don't you?" Davie asked accusingly.

"What if I do?"

After that there was an awkward silence. I had forgotten James was still on in my laptop, genius me. No one said a word, though Davie's expression looked like he wanted to say a thousand, and they were not going to be pretty words.

Thanks to the heavens that Sass and Lila came in before he could open his mouth.

"Davie! How dare you do that? You could've gotten us killed!" and with that, they threw themselves at Davie and proceeded to slap him and punch him hard.

"What did he do now?"

Sass was the one that answered "We were coming out if the market with the syrup when all of a sudden he grabbed our phones and threw them at some fans!"

"Do you know how hard it was to get our phones back?" added Lila. I can imagine it was very hard. They looked like a flock of hungry birds attacked them.

"Plus we had to leave the maple syrup!" Sass chimed in.

"Why did you do that Davie?"

"Their texting was annoying me" he replied coolly. I sighed. Sometimes he can get very childish.

"Um, excuse me? I think I should leave you guys so you can fix this, so..." James spoke from the laptop. I had forgotten again he was still on. He looked freaked out and sorry. I don't blame him.

"Yeah, do so" Davie answered him.

Before I could say anything to him for that snarky comment, James snapped in "Man, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

We all looked at him wide-eyed. It was the first time we had heard him say a swear word. Well, not really, but it was the first time we had seen him say it that angry.

"Did you just say that? To me? Who are you to say that to me?" Davie asked, full of himself.

"Who are you to tell Michelle what to do?" James replied smartly, still fuming.

"I'm his friend! Almost a big brother even! And I look up to her because I adore the fuck outta her. Same for these other girls" We all thought it was cute that he wanted to take care of us, and we appreciated that, but he sure was crossing the line lately.

"Well guess what? I'm her friend and I adore her too and there's nothing you can do about that because she probably likes me more than she likes you at the moment, so all I can say now is stop messing with us because nothing will stop what we already started!" James took a deep breath as we were all quiet with shock "I'll talk to you later hun" he smiled meekly at me, and with that, his camera went off.

Suddenly I forgot how angry I was at Davie. James had clearly stated we had something going on! I already suspected it, but hearing it come from his mouth gave me a certainty that gave my stomach butterflies. The way in which he had snapped at Davie too was really suspicious. He looked seriously worked up about it and oh, he mentioned he adored me! I was currently flying in delight, but before I could get too far up, I had to settle some things down.

"Davie, we need to talk. All of us with you. Not just me, right girls?" Lila and Sass nodded sternly.

We spent the rest of the night discussing with Davie his annoying jealous behavior. The talk was pretty deep, I'm not gonna lie, but we finally got to some resolutions. It turns out Davie didn't like any of our pursuers (except for Andy Biersack, of course) for no reason at all! His claim was that "they are way older that us and didn’t seem like the good guys they played out to be". He was also jealous for all of us, with no apparent reason, because we all know Davie doesn't like us in that way (I still have my doubts with Sass though). Anyway, Lila and I tried to convince him that James and Kendall were actually really nice, but he still said they irked him, and that he definitely didn't like James because of the way he snapped at him tonight. I told him it was mainly his fault, but stubborn Davie said he still should've kept his mouth shut. Finally, we agreed that he wouldn't bother us or anything until he saw something that proved that Kendall or James weren't nice guys, and also, the jealousy had to stop because even if we liked other guys we would still like him in his very special way because he was our Davie. With our deal sealed (Davie still a little reluctant), we said our apologies and went back to be friends as always. That night we slept in peace. I could finally go back to my happiness of being sure that James and I were already in that "more than friends" zone.

The tour had been a great first one. We played for up to 150,000 persons in huge arenas, did many interviews (although some went wrong), met many fans and many other bands (we caught up with Andy and the rest of Black Veil Brides on Bamboozle Music Festival) and experienced the most random situations, like catching Sass and Davie kissing (twice!), getting banned from a fancy restaurant in Paris (for lots of swearing from Davie's part) and being seen in my underwear by Davie (that was very embarrassing). We ended up being more famous than we already were (how is that even possible?) and we had finished writing a new single on the road, which we would start to work on once we got home.

But mostly, I couldn't wait to be in LA so I could finally meet with James, and Lila wanted to see Kendall too. We decided we would throw another party to see the guys in there and have fun with them. Sass was hoping Andy would come, for he was still on tour.

So, one day after we arrived, we were ready for our second big party. Davie's cousin Natalie came all the way from Australia (she's sort of weird), we welcomed her and then went up to get ready. I put on a white dress that was divine on me; I wanted to look my best for James. I also tried to make Lila wear something girly for Kendall, but she wouldn't budge.

We had told Kendall and James to come early before the party started, so we could talk in peace or something like that, but the truth is we were dying to see them. We got out of our rooms looking stunning, and saw that Davie was on the living room tying his converse and fixing his tie. He told us we looked amazing and then the doorbell rang. Lila and I started running to go and get it because we knew who it was. Davie followed close behind, wondering why we were so excited to open the door.

"We're coming!" Lila yelled as she went down the stairs. I couldn't run so fast, because I had put on my high heels, but even though I was running, it wasn't me the one who fell.

I was trying to get to the doorstep before Lila when Sebastian (our butler) opened it, and just as he did so Lila somehow fell down the stairs "Oh my god, are you okay?" I cried from a few steps up. I had to laugh, I couldn't help it.

Davie helped her get up, but the door was already open, so that means that they had seen. Poor Lila. Luckily, she is not as easily embarrassed as me. "No wonder why you were in such hurry..." Davie muttered "Why are they here so early? It's two hours till the party"

"We told them to come early"

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Cuz I say so!"

"Oh, and you are our father?"

"Yeah!"

"Really."

"Oh my god, you look lovely..." I ignored Lila and Davie and looked at the door, where James was standing beside Kendall, looking very handsome as always, buy most importantly, very tangible. Our eyes met and James grinned wide as he ran up to where I was, trying to get down the stairs without killing myself like Lila just did. When he stood just a step below me, he opened his arms and I wrapped my own arms around his neck, throwing myself and lifting my feet above the ground as he hugged my waist and swung me.

We both laughed in enjoyment as we hugged, then broke apart and James held my hands "Hey beautiful" he crooned and kissed my cheek.

"Hey" I blushed, and then I hugged him hard again. James felt so warm. It was comfortable under his arms too; my head nestled perfectly on the base of his neck and he was hard and soft at the same time; I could stand there forever and apparently so could James, I could tell by the way he held me and stroked my hair. Our perfect moment was interrupted by Davie and Lila discussing again, and apparently Kendall was involved this time. It was something about going to get Lila fixed and who would take her. I then noticed she had opened her ankle and was gushing blood all over the carpet. My stomach felt uneasy; I wrinkled my nose. I hate blood.

"Do you want to go somewhere else where there's no blood?" James suggested, already knowing how I felt.

"Yeah, let's take off"

We went to the disco room (called party room from now on) and saw Sass was setting up the music. We helped her, and after it was all set we jammed some tracks as we laughed and talk. Soon it became time for the actual party to start, and the rest of the guests started coming. Lila and Kendall arrived from the clinic just in time the party started.

James and I were dancing and talking. I was usually a quiet girl, but I noticed that around James I could talk a lot. Maybe it was because he always started the conversations, and that kept me going. I loved how we could talk about literally anything.  As we started discussing the pattern of the lights above us, the song changed.

Your bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-boyfriend Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-boyfriend…

"Hey that's my song!"

"It is!" I giggled.

And that is when the mood flipped from friendly to romantic. I don't know about other girls, but if a guy started singing this song to me I would believe he means he wants to date me, and now James was singing it, with his eyes fixed on me! Should I take that as a proposal?

Have you ever had the feeling you're drawn to someone, and there isn't anything they could've said or done?

He pulled our bodies together, grabbing me tightly by the waist with one hand and placing his other on my hip.

And every day I see you on your own, and I can't believe that you're alone; but I've overheard your girls and this is what they say

He suddenly let go and spun me, only to pull me up against him waltz style., gripping my hand tight.

That you're looking for a boyfriend, I see that Give me time you know I'm gonna be that

I touched the back of his neck and brushed his soft hair; his hazel eyes had my gaze stuck on him and him only. It was as if we were the only ones in the room.

Don't be scared just come put your trust in me; can't you see? All I really wanna be is your boyfriend

James twirled me again and then pulled me back to him, so that my back was pressed up against his chest, crossing his arms over my waist and resting his head on my shoulder. He sang on my ear and his breath gave me goosebumps.

Can't fight that, let me down you know I'm coming right back I don't care at all what you've done before; all I really want is to be your...

I turned to face him. That move was really romantic, but I wanted to see his face; I needed to see his face. James looked at me with questioning eyes as I backed up from him, but I reassured him by grabbing his shoulders and pulling into him again.

...bo-bo-bo-bo-boyfriend-

Let me take a little moment to find the right words, so when I kick it to you it ain't something that you've heard,

He took hold of my hips, and we both moved in sync to the rhythm of the song. Our foreheads touched as he leaned closer.

I don't know what kinda guy that you prefer, but I know I gotta put myself for worse, see I think I got the kinda love that you deserve, and I heard that...

James' eyes were smoldering, he had stopped singing and our dance had receded.

He looked at me in such way that I couldn't hold my need to kiss him anymore. I was less than three inches apart from his perfect lips! With my eyes still locked on him, my hands lowered to his chest. I was going to do it! I tiptoed a little to grasp him, only to feel his lips on mine before I could reach them.

He kissed me first! And god, did his mouth feel soft and warm. I could sense a delicious dash of his breath, hot on my mouth and I wanted to keep on going forever, but he broke the kiss before it could get deeper.

We looked at each other and then broke eye contact as each of us flushed. The song was still playing and everyone was dancing, oblivious (I hope) to how James and I held each other, timidly after what had just happened.

Don't get me wrong, I was pretty happy that I had gotten kissed by James, thrilled if not! The deal was, I had just realized we were in the middle of the dance floor and I'm not really good at being affectionate in public, and I'm guessing James wasn't either because his cheeks were a soft pink that made him look even lovelier.

"That was... Whoa" James broke the silence. I looked up to see he was sweetly trying to contain a smile.

"I know" was all I could say, and with that I hugged him again because I just loved hugging him.

After that small exchange, not a word about the kiss was said the rest of the night, but definitely something had changed and I felt pretty good about that. We had obviously sensed something, both of us, sort of like the famous "fireworks and sparks" that people talk about when they kiss the one they love.

James and Kendall stayed the night with us, after most of the people left around 2 am. Sass went up to her room to get some sleep while Lila and I lied on our royal staircase with James and Kendall. We were all having a good time, just cuddling (as much as one can cuddle in a staircase) and flirting when Davie came up mad to tell the guys to go back to their houses and ordered us to go sleep. Lila and I of course, wouldn't let them do that, so we started to argue with Davie until it was four in the morning. The guys seemed pretty amused by our fighting, when Lila announced she was hungry. Davie went to get some milkshakes with James while Lila and I argued over Kendall going with the other boys. After another Davie-Lila argument about sleep time that ended up with Davie covered in milkshake, I fell asleep for a while on James' legs. I woke up to the sound of Davie's voice. He was talking with James and Kendall about us. When Davie found out we were not asleep he convinced the guys into talking with him in private. Lila and I followed them and tried to hear. We got something about Davie being like our brother, and breaking James' and Kendall's bodies into pieces if they did something to us. Gosh, how harsh.

Soon, it was 7 am, and we were up to some breakfast. Lila and Davie continued quarreling about whether we should go to McDonalds or not after Sass decided we would go. On my sleep-deprived state I had the stupid idea of walking to the restaurant (since it was only 3 blocks away). It was all going swell, until fans spot us. Great, how could I forget that?

"OH MY GOD! IT'S RADIOACTIVE YOUTH! AND THEY ARE WITH THE GUYS OF BTR!"

We all started running for our lives. Apparently it was fan field trip day or something; there were like 50 people chasing us!

"Chelle! Be quiet!" James ordered as we ran as fast as we could. I was screaming my lungs out; the other guys followed behind us, Davie with Sass and Kendall with Lila, looking scared.

We were almost getting to McDonalds when I felt like if something small rasped the inside of my throat. I tried to shriek in pain this time, but the sound wouldn't come out, instead, trying to scream hurt a lot!

James and I were the first ones to go into the restaurant, earning odd faces from the customers, but most of them started swarming around us asking for autographs. James asked a policeman if he would please control the people and to please not let the crazy fans inside.

After what seemed an eternity (and was probably just one minute) Sass and Davie came in, looking hurt and tired. Davie had only half of his shirt on, because the rest of it was wrapped up around Sass' hand and around his own hand.

I was wishing I could speak or something, so I could ask them where Lila and Kendall were, but even trying to speak hurt. I hope it isn't something serious; I literally make a living out of my voice!

James, on the other hand, was okay, just worried about me. He asked me what was wrong but I couldn't answer so I gestured to my throat and made pained moans. He understood.

"I told you to stop screaming" he scolded. I rolled my eyes at him and pouted. "Aw, common, you'll be fine" and with a hug he pulled me down to sit on his lap.

After a while Kendall and Lila came in (thanks to the heavens!) but Lila had also gotten hurt in the way; she bent her wrist or something.

We didn't even eat in McDonalds because it was full with people (who were trying to get to us). It was a complete mayhem around us, Davie was shirtless and screaming at Lila, people were flashing photos of us and they were also yelling. We did get some photos with some fans, but after that we decided we needed to get to the hospital fast.

We were walking down the street, trying to find a cab (this time escorted by police) when I got thirsty. I pulled on James' sleeve and after a few tedious attempts to make him know what I wanted, he guessed.

"Yo, Davie?" James said

"What?" he answered like he was an authoritative father, pissed partly because all of us (except for James and Kendall) had gotten hurt. He was hurt too, but he tried to keep on a brave face, saying he only needed a Band-Aid when he obviously needed stitches on the whole palm of his hand. The cloth he had over his injury covered it a little, but I still wouldn't risk a look.

"I'm going to take Chelley to the hospital; she wants to get something to drink before"

"No. We are all going to the hospital right now. We'll buy you some coffee when we get there" Davie told me and I glared at him.

"No dude, chill, I promise I'll take her after she drinks something" and now James looked infuriated too. If you knew Davie, you would think James took a while to get mad. I would've punched him and left since the "what", just by the way he answered.

What happened after was unexpected. Davie had a fit because being the big superstar, he was used to no one (except us) contradicting him, and James just did that. In a flash, Davie reached out to pull some of James hair in fury. I was in silent shock when James' limp body almost crushed me when he fainted.

"DAVIE!" Lila, Sass and Kendall screamed, and then the three of us girls punched and slapped him.

Kendall and Davie helped put James in the cab. It was a silent ride to the hospital. Sass looked concerned for her broken finger, and was mostly worried that our manager Tom Kafer (who was in Hawaii) would find out about what happened, especially since people took pictures. Lila was trying to keep calm in her pain, squirming besides Kendall, who looked mad at Davie. He hadn't said anything when James and Davie were arguing but the look he had on his face now was deadly. I never thought I'd see such a cheery guy like Kendall that way. Davie just frowned at the floor, looking up to stare daggers at Kendall and a very knocked out James once in a while. He probably blamed all of this on them, when it had been my fault if you come to think about it. I just sighed and winced when I took breaths that were too long, because those stung my dry throat. I just hope they can fix us before we start recording.

What is worse, getting to the hospital didn't fix the drama or eased things up. We had all finished getting our exams taken and were sitting on different stretchers that were divided by curtains. I had James head on my lap, the rest of his body extended on the stretcher. I started caressing his hair absentmindedly, when I felt him starting to wake up.

His eyes opened to stare up at me. "Are we in the hospital?" he asked all woozy.

I nodded down at him and then started wondering why he was getting up. I followed him; he was looking behind the curtains for someone… maybe Kendall?

As James opened a curtain and glared down at Davie like he wanted to kill him, I knew what he was about to do but I was too late to stop him.

Davie stared up arrogantly at a very angry James "Oh, the princess wo-" and just before he could finish, James slammed his fist on Davie's face.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" no one had time to laugh because Davie was already throwing himself at James. If Davie didn't like James already, he had more reason not to do so now.

Lila and Sass were trying to control Davie while Kendall and I pulled James out of the small space before Davie broke his nose or something. I was a little shocked at James for what he just did; I didn't know he was that kind of guy. I guess his hair must be really important for him to react that way (first fainting and then punching someone?). One thing's for sure though, he looked really hot when he was angry.

The doctor came to take care of my bandmates’ wounds, and checked my throat before giving me my meds. We left the hospital, Radioactive Youth first and then Big Time Rush, because there were too many paparazzi outside and we didn't wanted to risk being seen together in the state we were.

We got home, tired, and to our horrible surprise, it was crowded with even more paparazzi. We got in the house only to have Natalie tell us we were all over the news and that there were rumors that Lila and I were dating Kendall and James which even though we wanted it to be true, it wasn't (yet).

After locking all of our doors and closing our windows, we went into a closed up room to play board games and stuff like that, trying to kill time so that the reporters and photographers went away.

I couldn't stop thinking about James last night, of how we had kissed, how everything changed after that; the way in which he always wanted to hold my hand, how good it felt to hug him, how un-awkward it was to flirt with each other... I missed him again already. I want nothing more than be by his side and it felt pretty good to know he wanted that too. This is the first time I've fallen in love with anyone and man, it feels awesome! I just hope these paparazzi go soon so I can finally be around his arms again...

[royasrambles-blog]

Love Him to Love Others

Wow. 

What. A. Week. 

I quit my full-time job that had pretty decent benefits and PTO. My last day was last Friday. 

I realized that, as mentally and emotionally hard as college seems to be for me, I can’t let myself give up on getting my degree. So, I’m in the process of signing up for classes for next semester. 

I got my old part-time job back, and, as easy-going as it is, I can’t start for another couple of weeks. I’m so blessed to have a family that is there for me during this time, because if I didn’t, I would be SOL and probably homeless because I have no income right now. No joke, but, I laugh typing this because it’s so crazy that I seem to have voluntarily put myself in this situation.

God, you’ve really made sure I’m taken care of through this transition. 

... Oh, and I’ve managed to let my jealousy, anger, doubt, and guilt get the better of me again. 

Again. And this time, I’ve run out of excuses. But, to fully understand, let’s back track a bit. 

You know how, when you like someone, you REALLY know you care for them if they make you laugh when they’re not even there? ... That happened. I was driving through the worst traffic of my life, to, of course, the old job to make sure everything was gucci in the system. *did i really just type “gucci” without thinking about it? ... picking up on some lingo from a certain someone, Roya?* Anyways. After about the fifth time someone had swerved next to me and almost hit me, I was at a red light and looked down and saw a water bottle. And thought of what he would do with said water bottle to the jackass gentleman who swerved into my lane and was currently right behind me, chewing his gum with his mouth open, apparently unphased by the fact that he made me almost up-chuck the little bit of smoothie I’d been able to eat that day. 

Oh, yeah-- I had eaten some bad fish sticks earlier that day. I was not a happy camper. Neither was my stomach. I digress. Where was I? Oh, right. The fricken water bottle. 

He would’ve joked that he’d chuck the water bottle through the sun roof onto the car’s windshield behind us. Except 1) I’m not that fancy and don’t have a sunroof and 2) Deep down him and I both know he would’ve probably actually done it. And, thinking about this, even though I was trying to avoid crying out of frustration with the traffic and also trying to not throw up... I laughed. So. Fucking. Hard. Like, I’m talking I almost cried in the car alone by myself, listening to Ric Flair Drip by 21 Savage, Offset, and Metro Boomin’. (Btw, that song is on repeat at least 5 times a day since I heard it. IT’S SO CATCHY.) 

I remember thinking to myself, “I’m gonna tell him about how he made me laugh when I see him.” 

Too bad I let my pissy, bratty, bottled-up-feelings-of-self-doubt-and-other-issues-Roya take the wheel when I saw him later that day. 

Because, when you bottle up so much of yourself like that... it’s going to come out. And it’ll come out at the worst time. With the best person. 

Wait. You’re probably wondering who this “he/him” person is. You’re probably thinking “Well, golly-gee, this guy sounds like a keeper if he’d throw a water bottle at a car for this chick. Wait. Who is this chick? Why am I reading her novel about her poor life choices?”.... I’ll stop there. Let’s not think about the answer to those last couple of questions. But HE is the fucking shit, to put it eloquently. The chocolate to my vanilla. Wait. Sorry. The graham cracker to my slightly-toasted marshmallow. Wait. Is that worse? The peanut butter to my jelly. There we go! But in all seriousness, he is the reason I’m able to write this today and eventually (hopefully soon) tell y’all why I feel like I can stop repeating my poor behavior. 

Okay. Back to the story. 

Why, dear reader, why would I feel so entitled and above another human being to say, in a nutshell, that they TAKE UP MY TIME and should be GRATEFUL that I’m so patient to put up with them? I don’t even like myself when I reiterate what I said to him. Why? WHY. Why, indeed. Well, this is where I fast-forward a bit. To yesterday. 

I was at a loss for how to fix my behavior. I’d literally gone into a young-adult tantrum and road-raged-the-fuck outta my commute back home and dropping him off, not even mentioning all of the things I said. And one of the worst parts of this whole ordeal is that I literally have flashbacks to my childhood of my dad doing the same exact thing, and I still get terrified thinking about it! So, how DARE i think it’s okay to do that to someone else?! It’s not. Plain and simple. But, the fact that I said it means that somewhere in my messed up train of thought, I truly did feel like he should be grateful that I “put up with him”. What the actual fuck? I felt, and still feel, like all of the years I’d spent bottling up anything to do with my dad, had lead me to becoming the very image of his faults. 

And when I was crying at home feeling sorry for myself, I could hear my love’s voice telling me “pick up the Bible. Read.” So... I did. 

I’ve always known that I believe in God, or a Head-Honcho, however you would like to call Him-- I choose God-- but I’d never really thought of Him too much. Just on special occasions or when something really amazing happened, I would look up to the sky and tell him thank-you. I thought, if you go through life trying to be your best and help people, you’ll be alright. Man, I was wrong. ‘Cause when I picked up that Bible... I cried. 

Not because I was sad, or angry, or happy... it was almost like I realized God was giving me permission to break the dam I’d built. And to let all of the pain and dark, nasty thoughts I’d pushed down come out. It was like He was telling me to come clean to him, finally. Boy, do I have a lot to come clean about! Where should I even start, I thought? I read and read and read..... until I went to bed. And I woke up every couple of hours last night and read some more. 

Even though we have a Bible at my house, I didn’t feel like I could just pick it up and know exactly where to start. (Slightly silly, I know, but it’s how I felt.) So, of course, I went to the App Store on my phone and found the YouVersion Bible App, and I’M IN LOVE. It’s like they knew that I was thinking “Hello, my name is Roya, and I am really embarrassed to say this, but I have no idea what I’m doing. I just need God’s help”, because the app asked what I was currently struggling with, and, based off of my answers, gave me 5 or 10-day plans with daily Devotions and Bible Readings that would help me let go and let God into my heart. 

I swear, this must sound like an app review, but I’m not a spokesperson or anything-- I just truly appreciate this app. 

So, the app lets you turn your favorite scriptures into artwork. And I’ve made two of my favorite ones into healing imagery that I can look at when I need them. I’ll post them after this long-ass story (sorry haha), but, here they are:

“Cast thy burden upon the Lord, 

and he shall sustain thee; 

he shall never suffer the 

righteous to be moved.”

Psalms 55:22 KJV

“Be strong and of a good courage; 

be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed; 

for the Lord thy God is with thee

whithersoever thou goest.”

Joshua 1:9 KJV

These two scriptures have helped me get through these past few days. And they’ll help me get through the days to come. 

So, hopefully you’ve found something of value in all of my ramblings... I know I have. 

I realized that I need to have the courage to admit my sins. I realized that I don’t have to be “perfect”. I just need to be living for Him, and when I mess up, come to Him with my sins. 

I realized that to love myself, I have to love Him.

I realized that to love him, this amazing person who somehow puts up with me, I have to love HIM. And, God knows, I want to love him. (And Him. You get it.)

I realized that to forgive my dad, I have to realize that God forgave us of our sins, and through Him, we can forgive ourselves and others.

I realized that I need to have patience, that God knows all things and will be there for me always. 

So, in a nutshell: I’m employed-but-kind-of-unemployed, in the process of going back to college, which is where I seemed to be the most depressed, I’m broke, I’m broken, and I broke the heart of the someone who could make me laugh even when they’re not there. But, through God, I will have the patience, perseverance, and strength to conquer all of my demons. And, hopefully, to prove myself to those I love... and to myself. 

Wow. 

What. A. Week. 

[thesylvalining]

Now don’t get all peanut butter and jelly (jealous?) on me but it’s turning out I am on perma-cation. This time of year in my “adult” life I’d typically be slaving away at Arapahoe Cafe, or before that on a trail crew in Colorado, or before that fighting a forest fire somewhere. Occasionally I ponder how hard it’s going to be to return to normal life–but then again, I never really believed in a normal life, did I? Most importantly, I’ve been presented with a year off and I’ve grabbed it, like a bull by the horns 🙂

Recently, I reconnected with my (now married!) pal Nicolette, aka Nini. Both of us are as good at keeping in touch as two similar poles on a magnet. But as soon as one of us remembers to switch poles, it’s like nothing ever changed. I told her about my magical year off thus far and she said, “Or year on.” Ole! Nini’s right. It’s my year on–on course, on a joyful wavelength, on a big, free, unplanned adventure.

And during this exact moment of my year on, Faenza–as elsewhere in Italy and the world–is waist deep in a heat wave; two days ago, we passed a sign reading 44 C (111.2 F). In the un-airconditioned castle, post-midnight, the temperature clung to 32 C (89.6 F). The only solution: to go neck-deep in a river. Lisa and I chose the Montone, specifically a her happy place outside Bocconi. By car? I’m surprised you’d even ask!

After the quaint town of Tredozio and a decent, sweaty climb, we stopped to check out Romagna’s very own vulcano (volcano)–in all reality, a fumarole. Even if Lisa hadn’t been there many times before, it was easy enough to find…

At first glance the fumarole appeared to be dressed for Halloween–quite convincingly–as a rocky, pyramid-shaped campfire. But, perched on the dry lip of a wheat field overlooking a valley of relatively green hills, the vulcano was still impressive. Its bold orange flame licked the air like I wished I could lick a popsicle; we were careful not to get too close lest we lose what electrolytes we had left to sweating (more) profusely.

Arriving at The Guardrail, we tiptoed down the steep dirt path to the river in our bike shoes like newborn goats on an icy lake. After claiming a flat boulder, we set up shop and devoured the “cold” basil and tomato quinoa salad chef Lisa prepared. We chipped away at the afternoon happily watching leaves blowing in the wind, reading, journaling, dunking, drying off and doing a whole lot of Important Nothing.

Of course, Murphy’s River Law went into effect once we’d set up shop: clouds gathered like a band of hippies in front of the last Cannibus plant on earth, crowding in so close they blocked out the sun and the heat. Of course, every other moment had been vulcano-hot; luckily we decided to stay anyway and the mountain storms came and went quickly.

On our return, we barely dodged the wet bullet of a real soaker. We hid out under the eave of a bar where old Romagnolo men did their best to shield us from the elements with their curiosity.

Oh no, is it raining?!?!

Yay, it’s raining!!!

We capped off the day and the ride back with friends at a sagra (an Italian outdoor summer festival with dancing, music and most importantly: food) in Santa Lucia, just outside Faenza. Santa Lucia’s sagra celebrated the numerous joys of cappelletti, local pasta formed like a hat (un cappello) and stuffed with cheese or meat. Afterward, we felt like twice-stuffed cappelletti and managed to sleep with the help of our two, dueling fans.

In the midst of the worst drought in at least 60 years and a two-week heat wave the likes of which could fry an egg inside a fridge, it became apparent we needed to do Important Nothings Near Water. So two days later, we were dominating the flats from here to Marina Romea on our bikes, destination Romea Family Camping, Boca Barranca and water. The coolest part: we followed the partially gravel route along the very same Montone River all the way to the murky, refreshing waters of the Adriatic.

We made a weekend of it, setting up shop next to my favorite animal in the whole world:

And then we committed to a refreshing yo-yo between our lettini (beach chairs) and the Adriatic. The only interruption to circular heaven was a shower to rinse off the salt water before succumbing to another nap, seafood lunch and later Spritz in Boca Barranca’s breezy, outdoor dining room.

That evening, of course, said dining room transformed into the dance floor we were all too familiar with. The first night was Club Adriatico, techno beats and a young, too-cool crowd that didn’t mingle much, except among themselves. We turned in early (aka before 3 a.m.), in order to spend maximum time at the beach again in the morning…

Girls just wanna have fun! In the sun!

Glad we got our nails did, early birthday present from Lisa 🙂

The next evening, we rode bikes north along the coast, took the little traghetto (ferry) across the canal, ate our weight in fresh, fried seafood at locally infamous Baracchina and arrived just in time at Hanabi for the concert to begin. If we had socks on for some reason, the band would’ve blown them off. Xixa (chee-chuh), from Tuscon, Arizona, played and their sound was Mex-American, like an aural taco in a cowboy boot. Their energy was infectious, the lead singer (who raucously climbed on top of the drum set at the end of the last song) was swimming in charisma. We met and thanked the entire, chill very attractive band afterwards at the merch table.

And then we beelined back and danced our proverbial pants off until 3 a.m. This time, the flavor was house and the crowd was an older, quirky group we seasoned veterans hadn’t yet spotted in the hallowed, sandy halls of Boca. It became quickly apparent the Faenza-based DJ (who may or may not have snuck away to do some coke and come back with more than enough energy to head bang to house music) had a cult following. This crowd came to dance, not pick up chicks or dudes or stand around and stare and drool and be creepy while we danced. Ages ranged from blushing youths like ourselves to–literally– grandma in her flowered mu-mu.

We were plastered to the dance floor like the sweat which clung to us like drunk flies on heat-melted proscuitto. Afterwards, we were past primed for bed. Back at the tent, an angry buzzing arose like fish burps from the bottom of the shallow river in Bocconi. A large fly? A bee? If I got a euro for every time I’ve gotten gnawed on by an insect, I’d retire yesterday so, of course, we had to find the source.

“I think it’s coming from your ass,” said Lisa, after we’d ripped the tent apart like the biggest, most mysterious Christmas present under the tree. And yet the bedding, pillows, pads and tent were oddly insect free. And we hadn’t had a drink since the bottle of wine sloshing around with our seafood. Still the buzz prevailed.

I peered under the tent–in case the idiot bug mistook itself for a gopher–and Lisa put her ear to my thick, orange Big Agnes sleeping pad. The same one with a single entrance and exit: the valve I spend 20 years of my life blowing through each time we camp.

“It’s inside your mat,” she said, as the warm three a.m. breeze came to investigate. We looked at each other incredulously, shrugged, remade our beds and laid down. Lisa fell asleep immediately with her mouth open, intent on catching whatever else was going to sting me later. Meanwhile, the drowsy buzz continued on and off–Zzzz. Zzzzzzzzz. Zz–until I flopped off the sweaty ledge into sleep.

I must say, before moving on, I didn’t think my peculiar relationship with insect-kind could get any stranger. But now I’ve had a winged tenant residing inside my sleeping pad, I realize it can always get stranger.

Miss Merighi–per usual–rose when sunlight invaded the tent and made her way to a prime beach spot. I slept soundly, like the insect inside my sleeping bag which was certainly dead and baked to a crisp. Outside, a battery-powered car driven in ever-decreasing circles around the tent by the kids next door encroached on my dreams.

“Guarda,” I heard mom say, loudly. Then, insistently, “Guarda avanti!” Or, “Watch in front!” This statement was followed by a crashing noise, which was the tree next to the unicorn and also the end of my rest.

Sunday was another beach day. That evening, once it had “cooled down,” (which was more or less the difference between riding bikes in a dry sauna and riding bikes in a dry sauna with the door cracked), we rode home.

My favorite bike fence in the rural hinterlands of Emilia-Romagna.

Back at the castle, the air crept about like a stoned tortoise and the temperature gauge once again moved about as much as the house DJ, pre coke. I’m part of a strange breed of humans whose progeny has largely died out and who naturally prefers sweating to shivering. But even I had to concede the better choice was to escape Faenza again, as if chased by a herd of zombies intent on eating only endangered, warm-weather brains.

And where better than back to Bocconi, where we could make our world a slab of rock in the shade of a quivering tree…

… or explore the neighboring world in the cool, green waters and dry off on a hot rock…

… or wander barefoot for hours upstream to discover quieter swimming holes…

For much of the day, with the heat wave in full effect, the riverbanks were crowded for a Wednesday. But once darkness curled its fingers around the stone amphitheater of the river’s bend, the crowd evaporated. So we set up our (illegal) tent by the gurgling river…

DCIM101GOPRO

DCIM101GOPRO

… tried to make dinner and realized since it’s our first time camping, we forgot a lighter AGAIN. We ate piadina and ripe melone instead and chilled in our swimsuits until we turned in around midnight. Before sleeping, we meandered barefoot downstream and laid on a flat rock, still warm with sunshine heat. I lost all track of time, observing the stars observing us.

In the morning, we logged in river nymph time (wandering around or sunning ourselves totally naked). It felt gloriously wild and free. Eventually people trickled in like a bead of sweat between… well never mind. Anyway, we frantically traded swimsuits for birthday suits and resumed our earlier positions…

They say all good things must come to an end, but first, how do they know? And also, can they end when buttressed on either side with more good things? I’m not sure, but at any rate our next adventure called so we picked up the phone, packed up our tent, left the area clear of our presence, hiked up the steep hill to the road… 

…bombed down hot pavement on bikes with a crescione break at our new favorite kiosk…

… and arrived back at the castle before the stars popped out of the hot, humid skies like mystery bugs from a sleeping pad.

I can’t even taunt you with teaser of the next adventure because this blog–for once–nearly brings us up to speed. Just in case you were worried about a lack of blog material, I’ll touch on the wonder that was my birthday (August 6th) and tomorrow (for almost the next two weeks) Lisa and I trade hot Faenza for the cool Italian alps. Alla prossima!

Water You Up To? Now don't get all peanut butter and jelly (jealous?) on me but it's turning out I am on perma-cation.