#working on myself and my mental health has rlly made me feel this

[wagpastie]

sometimes i see peoples posts that make sweeping statements about specific demographics with absolute certainty and its just like. man you truly just not have had many good people in your life huh

[strawberryraviegutz]

I feel like this needs to be said but..Am I the only one getting annoyed with the “Ame Chan is a bad person/problematic” discourse?? I’m not just talking about the ppl who’ve been complaining about her character saying they “didn’t realize how awful she was”. I’m also talking about ppl being like “lmao yall clearly didn’t play the game of course she’s a horrible person you’re just now realizing that??”

You don’t necessarily have to play a game to be a fan of it. It’s pretty common for ppl to watch gameplay videos or videos covering the story of/analyzing games and characters if they can’t or don’t wanna play it. Second I dont think we should just look at Ame through a black and white lense. Ame’s not a horrible person but she’s not necessarily good either. She’s a very VERY flawed person who struggles with mental health issues and addiction and makes rlly bad decisions and says rlly mean/bad things.

But that’s like…literally everyone on earth. Everyone has flaws especially mentally ill ppl, nobody’s perfect. It’s implied that Ame was literally abandoned/disowned by her parents so of course she’s not going to make the best decision with a “stable” mind especially if you’re desperate.

Ame Chan does terrible things/decisions like taking drugs on stream and self harming on stream and I think she even killed herself on stream too in one ending(tho feel free to correct me if I’m wrong) which is obviously irresponsible and dangerous. And she says things that aren’t necessarily nice or the best(some of it is warranted since some of the ppl in her chat were saying rlly awful, gross and even misogynistic things and calling her “old”).

And while she only wanted to be kangel for attention online, it’s kinda possible that she’s been able to have positive impacts on her fans/audience. We’ve seen how she is with the younger side of her fanbase as Kangel. She’s very kind and compassionate and overall very sweet towards them. Kangel’s entire persona is revolved around reaching out to lonley ppl online who’re struggling and to make them happy.

She may be doing it only for money snd attention, but like most ppl who struggle with mental health issues, they sometimes don’t realize the positive impacts they’ve had on the ppl around them. Hell maybe deep down Ame made Kangel to also help reach out to ppl like her online and make them happy too.

And as for the whole shotacon accusations, Ame Chan is NOT a shotacon. It was a very bad translation error and we all know that most translators aren’t always reliable(especially Google Translate) so please stop spreading that around. It’s been debunked already.

Maybe I’m biased because while I don’t have BPD(at least I don’t think so), have never taken drugs, nor have I ever cut myself in like a very VERY long time(tho I never left any scars cuz i didn’t like pain)and have an anxiety disorder and am autistic, I still sorta relate to/kin Ame Chan.

I’ve had my moments where I’ve had emotional and or violent outbursts(not where I’ve beat someone up or broke anything)due to a rush of emotion and or getting real worked up/frustrated online and irl.

And it’s always rubbed me the wrong way when I’ve been seeing ppl trying to put Ame into the box of “bad/problematic person” whether you’re trying to defend her character or not. It’s a lot more complex and morally grey than that and I think characters like her being in media are important to lessen the stigma of mental health whether it be in Japan or worldwide.

Feel free to correct me and fill me in on stuff if I missed anything or left anything out but in conclusion, Ame Chan is a not a good person, but she’s not necessarily a monster and or all bad either and I think ppl on both sides should realize that.

[universe-requests]

Got any college tips?

Ps make it lengthy

Yeah! Note that a lot of this will be based on my own experiences as someone w ADHD at a large public university, and may not apply necessarily to you!

Academic Stuff:

even if textbook readings aren't mandatory, if there are associated sections/readings w your classes, you should read the textbook. there is a ton of stuff in there that's not gonna be covered well by your lectures, and you'll benefit from the additional context and examples you get from reading

make calendars and to-do lists weeks in advance. if your classes have syllabi with schedules, put all their deadlines onto your calendar. from the calendar, write down what you want to get done each day. i usually try to do 1-2 assignments every day. i do this usually a few weeks to a month into the future, so that i know what i need to get done each day. if you need to push an assignment, you'll know what you have to do for the coming days and can balance where best to put stuff you couldn't complete.

go to office hours! if you start an assignment and do what you can on it b4 going to office hours, you'll be able to better ask questions on what you're confused abt. for some of my harder classes, i went to office hours sometimes twice a week.

you may need to change your major! that's okay. i changed mine like 2 or 3 years in and had to do an extra year to make up for the change. i was afraid to "give up" on my first major (biomedical engineering), but if i'd switched sooner, i would've avoided needing to take extra time. if you do end up switching a bit later like i did, it's not the end of the world tho! it's more money obv, but this major has been much easier for me n i've made way more friends in informatics than i ever made in engineering

apply for disabilities if you think you'll need accommodations! i originally tried to go without them n realized that i was depriving myself of resources for no reason. having extra time on assignments n exams improved my grades bc i could take the time i needed!

Friendship Stuff:

compliment ppl on things like their fashion, hair, phone cases, pins, or backpacks! this is a great way to start a conversation and get a conversation flowing and i have had multiple friendships start just by giving a compliment and then continuing to chat from there

start/join campus discord servers! it's a great way to meet ppl in your classes or your building. i've made multiple friends thru discord servers for my classes, and you also get to work thru assignments or clarify things together

hang-outs don't have to be big plans. you can just msg ppl if they wanna get food at the dining hall n sometimes that'll evolve into a bigger hang-out if you end up wanting to go do smth after!

Mental Health Stuff:

if you're living in the dorms, you'll probably feel rlly scared/sad on your first night or even first few nights abt being on your own n such. both myself and my therapist sobbed our first nights in the dorms! but it'll get better n you'll feel more confident doing things by yourself/being away from home as you go

the first year can be rlly tough to adjust to. i was so depressed i was sometimes peeing in my trashcan bc i couldn't get myself out of bed. now, i'm doing much much better! as you go, you'll get better at your time management skills and knowing your limits and coping w frustration/anxieties

as much as possible, go to events on campus. go to plays, movie nights, clubs, concerts, craft nights, game nights etc. n don't feel afraid to do it by yourself! it's fun to have things to look forward to and get yourself out of the dorm and making sure that you're eating meals (bc if you're already out, you might as well eat)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

For a few years i really genuinely believed I was a DID system. I have the trauma, some of the symptoms etc but after a year in college I got diagnosed with DPDR.

I rlly felt like my symptoms were real bit bc of the different diagnosis i tried to forget about system things. I didn't see myself as a faker, I genuinely felt the symptoms, but they all just kind of went away the less i paid attention to it

Now a year later i made a new friend who happened to be a system and now its making my brain feel all weird. Like some of the system feelings come back. I know that isn't how disorders work and its really bothering me how Im so easily influenced by suggestion.

I really dont want to be a system because nobody wants such a heartbreaking disorder, but it feels so weird having the voices and feelings come back again and I wish it would go away

Hi anon,

First of all please know that you're not alone, and it's okay to question whether or not you're a system. Your experiences are valid.

While it's possible that DPDR could be explaining the symptoms you attribute to DID, a DPDR diagnosis doesn't necessarily mean you don't also have DID. Many systems experience dissociation consistent with derealization and depersonalization.

I also just want to say that while being a system can definitely be heartbreaking, there are also moments of laughter, joy, and unity that are unique to being a system. Having DID or OSDD is predicated on trauma, but that doesn't necessarily mean that being a system is a totally horrible experience. Somewhere here on Tumblr I once saw a post saying that if you believe it would be better to be a system, then you likely are a system because singlets would not benefit from it.

I can understand wanting the voices and feelings to go away because experiencing that might make your life feel more overwhelming and disorienting. But it's also important to consider that it may not be healthy to try and suppress these symptoms, whatever they might be a part of. Allowing these voices and feelings to come and go may give you the opportunity to analyze where these voices and feelings are coming from and what they may be communicating.

It's worth considering that being around your friend may potentially serve as an opportunity for your system to feel comfortable expressing themselves, knowing that they don't have to conceal symptoms in the presence of someone who understands.

As a questioning system, I find the OSDD Discord server to be extremely useful in settling questions about what it's like to be a system, and if your experience is consistent with diagnosed systems. It can be a space to get a better understanding of yourself and systems in general so I recommend it if you're interested.

I'm not sure if you're still in college, but if you are, you may want to consider reaching out to their counseling center (if they have one) and consulting a mental health professional about this, as they could best help you in navigating yourself and can recommend diagnoses.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, particularly systems, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[chapelpunisher]

hey sorry not that it rlly effects anything since i dont really have a lot of interaction on this blog anymore but um. i guess i need to say im going on an indefinite hiatus on most my social media, mostly so i can do some better healing since i think even after a month i am still deeply wounded by something that in turn became a self sabotage plot. im not proud of my behavior the last 4 months, and am going to take this time to work on parts of myself that i feel like i need to pay more attention to.

theres many factors to all of this, such as my mental health in general the last 4 months have not been entirely the best partially because of starting testosterone and not being proactive in caring for my mental health before it started to get bad again. another big part is having internalized self hatred of a part of myself ive finally come to terms with. lastly, trauma resurfacing that has made me distant and cold.

unfortunately, my brain still keeps trying to convince me things will be okay again but not the way i need it, rather a way id want it to be. so, to avoid making things even worse for myself (though not sure how much more worse i could be after all of this) im just going to try and be happy, let myself metabolize and process everything.

im very much struggling to feel tolerable, but thats no fault to anyone but myself. and i find even when im having an okay time and doing things i love, still having a hard time letting go. i feel like i am a bad person a lot of the time and that ultimately i deserve everything that has happened to me in the last 4 months. so for that, i believe it is time i just work on healing, and learn to be more kinder to myself in terms of internalized stuff.

its hard, some days i feel like i dont care anymore but then it all comes back to me and i ache. and i yearn. and i make up stupid scenarios in my head only to really just hurt myself more. i wish i could be different and show that its not me but a part of me that im going to keep in check and fix so that everyone can see im trying to get better for myself and everyone i care about. i dont think i can bring myself to hate anyone, or to think badly of them through all of this but rather see that they did what they could and cant be my people after all.

i would also like to just apologize if anyone has seen my insane behavior the past month, and i hope that i will never get that bad again in hopes that this time away will help me mental health wise.

tldr; i hurt people closest to me and caused them to leave, decided to stay off social media for awhile, trying to focus on doing better and healing so future relationships that may come up wont end as badly as this one that of course is no fault but my own.

[whoreishghost]

i am like Not able to eat basically at all rn and this has beem ongoing for like 3-4 ish weeks now. in the first 2 weeks i cld eat a bit more but still like rlly way way too little and when i had my adhd review i was pretty surprised i had acc gained a bit of weight so i just sort of brushed off the not eating as me misremembering how much ive eaten. but now i like, am basically on a liquid only diet (and i cant drink anything thicker ? ig than like a diet coke bc that also makes me feel sick, tried having a milkshake at one point and i felt soooooo bad) bc 1 i like just dont get hungry at all, and 2 even if i feel ig the closest thing to describe wld be peckish (like im craving a specific flavour or texture) by the time i start eating it i rlly rlly do not want to be and its like, u know when ur so full its like hard to chew and u just want to spit the food out? like that. ive been trying very hard to like force myself thru this by like letting myself eat and buy whatever food i want at literally any time of day bc while it is expensive ive lost kind of a lot of weight v quickly (tw ed: this is about as much as id lose in a month whilst restricting v heavily in just under than 2 weeks). its worked to a degree but honestly im mostly just wasting food and honestly money, and whenever i do manage to eat a bit, itll be like 1 small size serving of poke (currently the only food that has been tolerated even slightly, ig maybe bc it has a "fresh" flavour? idk) eaten over the course or 5-6 hours bc i cldnt eat it faster than that which even then was not rlly tolerated bc i felt fucking disgusting physically, and then basically anything else (eg a genuinely really nice tasting stew my wife made, a mozzarella and avocado sandwich, just an avocado w salt, pasta, etc) makes me so nauseous and uncomfortable that i have to go force myself to throw up right after ive eaten to not literally be in hell for like 8-9 hours (i have an extremely low tolerance for managing nausea and the amazing ability to basically never throw up ever by myself hence the "forcing myself" which yes bad but also i refuse to be regurgitating and getting acid reflux whilst in pain for that whole day because i tried to eat smthn). i originally thought it was probably psychological bc ive been doing v v badly and to a degree it is (i cba to cook or eat rlly) but even when i have the food to eat i cant do it then either? idrk what to do, i have brought it up to drs multiple times who just tell me its poor mental health management and imply i need to ig "try harder". theres also the fact that it is v triggering for my disordered eating brain bc i am unintentionally restricting a lot and i am losing a lot of weight and its been v difficult not to just spiral down that sort of thought process into just not eating at all. feeling kind of like this is either gna randomly stop at some point and itll just be a confusing period of my life or im going to get v v unwell without support and be blamed for it

[starsdailyjournal]

Funfacts!!

I think I am a lot of things, personally (gay (hmu ladies)) and I wanted to boast about what a cool gal I am! And since my account is sort of about mental health I wanted to tell yall about some of the things I've faced as someone who has had a poor one for most of their life because 1 I like to talk about myself and 2 I want more people talking about the less discussed parts of mental health because everyone deserves to tell their story without having to feel like their's is too gross or different.

Lemme start with some red flags

I TWEAK over adopt me like I spend real money and time on that game it's unhealthy

I was gonna start and internet based cult and become a diety so that I could fake my death and ask for offerings before I go (adopt me pets) but I gave up

I have 5 stick and poke tattoos I did with no tutorials (they look super cool (they dont))

One of those tattoos are vampire bite marks (I did yesterday its the best decision I ever made)

I never EVER use tutorials I wing it every time with everything like I cut my own hair with scissors from the kitches without even LOOKING AT A PICTURE I just hope it looks cool and emo and that my bangs will make me partially blind

Whenever I do wing it, it always works out (im a god)

I LOVE LOVE LOVE VAMPIRES hellsing ultimate is my fav anime ever and nothing can top it

I love the winter it's my fav season because it's so gloomy

I dress scene but I use only emo colors and I listen to only gabber and scene (my guilty pleasure is some pop)

I don't even look that scene because I can't go shopping BECAUSE IM BROKE and my mom thinks shes above thrifting (she lives in a one bedroom apartment infested with cockroaches) and my dad is always busy. But I diy all the rips in my clothes and try to do the best I can!!

Honestly my style doesnt need a label because idrc abt those I just wanna do what I wanna do frfr

I don't take my own advice sometimes

I'm a vampire

I'm pan in the worst way (I only care abt looks IDGAF abt gender)

I value looks A LOT

I hope that was red enough but here are my green flags!!!

I'm really smart though I don't look it at all (stereotypes are funny with me because I'm indian and REALLY alternative)

I'm really good at specifically math (because of trauma)

I'm trying to better myself

I LOVE MINECRAFT (and roblox but minecraft a little more)

I love to write

I love philosophy (I also hate it for moral reasons)

I like to draw a tad

I'm not british

I'm wise as hell and people should listen to my advice more frfr

ADHD (its a green flag idc)

I LOVE BFDI AND INANIMATE INSANITY IM AN OG BFDI FAN IVE BEEN WATCHING SINCE FOREVER (2016)

I love to read (but not digitaly it makes it weird)

I love spending time with my family (97% of the time)

I love money (its a GREEN flag to me (your so funny stars! (IkIk no need to aplaud) *applause*)(*blushes cutely*))

I'm so funny

i have 30 dollars saved up (pls dont mug me!!)

Anyway I'll make posts on stuff like mental health, stuff I find funny or interesting or cool etc but I need to change out of this hoodie im getting way too sweaty

Edit: I'm not recoloring this post bc its rlly annyoing to do it and like I can't even seen anything outside of dark red and black on my laptop so like

[againwthevampirebllsht]

january 17th 2024

bruh. classes just started and im already overwhelmed. even tho i think this is gonna be an easier semester than last year i still think a couple classes r gonna give me hell.

my ww1 history class has a fuck ton of reading which is expected cuz like duh its a history class but i also had gotten so lucky with my history classes before being mostly lecture based instead of reading so itll be something to get used to again.

my other 2 history classes havent met yet so idk what to expect from them just yet but hopefully its manageable..

i met with my two studio classes today and im rlly excited for them. i think my painting class is gonna b a lot easier than my drawing class but thats fine. i almost wish it was the other way around because im more into painting but its fine im kinda excited to try new stuff and a class doesnt have to make me want to kill myself in order for me to create good work

but theres also something ab the culture of art school that feels like a competition of who can run themselves into the ground for the sake of their work more. whoever kills their mental health more for the sake of art wins

both of the art classes are more abstract based which will also be new and im both nervous and excited for that cuz thats not really a direction ive gone before. in drawing we did an exercise that was like a game of telephone where we took a drawing of ours we did before and then made a drawing based on that and then one based on that one and so on and so fourth,.. im weirdly happy with the results!

in about a week me n my friends r gonna have a galentines which im rlly hyped for, hopefully all goes to plan even tho with my track record that stuff usually doesnt but one can dream (ill definitely have a breakdown if people start canceling last min)(i already feel like i dont have friends and that will only fuel the fire) and like i obviously do have friends?? just not a friend group??? its only like 5 ppl im close to individually and then a bunch of like we hang out at parties friends so idk im in a weird spot rn...

anyway! i think thats all the life updates for now, ill try to be more frequent with posts cuz future me will thank me

[colorfulbibliostack]

bullet journal and productivity info (with personal stuff added, srry)

sooo... i started a bullet journal! (@a-social-asshole because i *think* i remember talking to you about bujos? if so it was rlly long ago lol)

Actually this is the second time I attempted it, the first time i made a few tiktok videos of fixing & decorating the notebook cover but only ended up using it for like... a day. the book i used was too bulky and kinda falling apart, and the lines were too uniform. (pro tip--make sure you use a journal you *like*)

now i have a dotted journal! it's decently slim and has a sophisticated cover (white marble with an inspirational quote in gold) and it isnt like my usual style but it works and its nice enough that i dont feel the intense need to cover it in duct tape.

so far i have an index, a goal collection for the school year, a habit tracker, and my first daily log. i'm not doing monthly or weekly spreads because i have a more standard linear planner for the scheduling part. (I figured premade stuff would be easier for me personally in that department.)

i'm using my bujo almost exclusively at school with the exception of the habit tracker, which is daily. it's to help me keep track of assignments, my general pain level (in case i need to provide evidence of my chronic pain when i eventually see a doctor) study tarot by pulling a card each day, be more grateful, and remember tasks (so far, reminders to discuss certain things with instructors).

if you want to start bullet journaling but you find the idea daunting--all the stuff you see on Pinterest that looks amazing and time consuming can scare people off--it's important to remember that bullet journals are supposed to be highly customizable. you can do as little or as much as you want. start small! my journal is super minimalistic, very few symbols, simple borders, literally just the date at the start of my daily logs and my messy handwriting below. also, you dont need a lot of supplies. I just have a journal, some highlighters from the dollar store, papermate marker pens, more papermate pens from walmart, and washi tape. you dont even need the washi tape, i've only used it once so far and i prefer making my own borders (by literally just putting lines between the dots.)

i really hope the journal and my planner help me stay on top of things this year, because to be honest i've never been the best student, and i want to improve myself in any way i can.

i have a lot of mental health issues, so it might sometimes be ambitious for me. i've heard that the key to improving is almost always a positive mindset. but you can't fall victim to toxic positivity in that--you have to know that you can have bad days, you can have days where you just can't bring yourself to study after classes, but you also need to be able to bounce back from those days.

(this is also why i'm deliberately putting self-reflection, self-care and time to just watch videos to my schedule.)

anyway, i hope if anybody read this they find it at least a little helpful! i wrote this out because i had to watch like 8 seperate videos to gather this info.

(if you are very interested in seeing if i crash and burn or succeed in organization, follow @system-maintainance, my blog that's basically how-to's and to-do's for myself. i might occasionally post my findings about self-care and conquering mental stuff <3 {itll prolly be reblogged here too, so dw if you dont wanna see my other stuff there!})

[bookwyrminspiration]

Hi! I saw you rb'd the post about autism and I rlly wanted to talk abt it! I don't live in the US, and therapists where i live are almost the same as you described. Idk if i have ADHD or Autism or something else entirely, but I do know there's something different from me than other people. I've known ever since I was little. I know my brain works differently, I see things differently, and I feel left out because of it. I relate to almost every obscure ADHD symptom (like i relate to the "i got distracted" but also the very specific "not everyone goes through that" ones).

I don't want to self diagnose because I'm nowhere near being an expert on neurodivergency, but I also know I'm different. Idk what to do because I talked to a therapist once about it (we didnt discuss it, i just mentioned it) and she said that if I've gotten this far (i'm 17) without a diagnosis and I've done fine, a diagnosis won't change that. I think that a diagnosis would 100% help because i would at least know for sure because rn i feel like i'm going crazy. Maybe everything I've been experiencing has just been the product of undealt with trauma, idk, but i rlly wish i knew for sure.

I imposter syndrome myself into thinking i'm actually just as normal as everyone else and am just thinking this becusde i want to think i'm "special". Which isn't true i'm 99% sure-

Sorry for the rant. I just dont know what to do :(

Hello, Nonsie! No need to apologize for the rant, I'm sorry you're in this situation. It absolutely sucks when therapists and other mental health professionals are like that. Sometimes it feels like they've made a decision about you already and are just tolerating you the rest of the time and dismissing everything else.

I've also been through the exact same thing with the "I know there's something different about me." I always chalked it up to me being "the gifted kid," but then I was different from all the other gifted kids as well. I didn't know what it was, so I instead turned to fiction and to stories. Especially those with magic and inhuman creatures, because I knew that whatever it was that made someone human, I didn't have it. So I saw myself instead in fairies and fae and as I got older, in monsters (I mean this in a good way). My point is that I think I understand the knowing you're different but not being able to put a finger on it experience. I often describe it as living in a bubble where I can see everyone else and they can see me, but I'm not with them. I'm separate even amongst everyone.

I will just say that if you don't think you're qualified to self-diagnose, I'd suggest looking into it more! Self-diagnoses are incredibly valid and are fairly accepted from what I've seen. Most people are very understanding about the process and about reasons why you might not be able to/not want to get an official diagnosis. I think almost all people who have diagnosed have also had the "I don't know enough to make this call" experience and then go on to look into it before doing so. They're generally not made lightly, instead made with the insight and reflection of weeks, months, years worth of work and research.

Also, I don't know how the rules work wherever you live, but it's possible that you'd be able to look into evaluations outside of your therapist if she is adamant about you not needing one. I know where I live I could find an evaluation location and submit the paperwork independently--though I think as a minor I'd need to include parent contact information, but then again maybe not. And that's also just where I am

You could also approach her or another therapist about it again and say that it's an avenue you'd like to explore even if it won't change much. Therapy is about you, so if you want something you're allowed to express that. One note I'd like to add is that I'd advise against relying on outside sources entirely for confirmation that your experiences aren't you "going crazy." That's not to say that an official diagnosis wouldn't be a relief or a breath of fresh air and a "finally! it was real!" That's an entirely understandable reason to want an evaluation or diagnosis, it's just that things don't always work perfectly and people can be wrong. So if you're basing your understanding entirely on someone else's assessment and they miss something, it can feel like a huge disappointment. And it's more likely when the system isn't friendly towards you.

I can tell you that you aren't making it up and that whatever you've experienced and been through, it is real and valid and you deserve answers about it. Whether those answers come from yourself or through treatment, I hope you find what you're looking for. I actually think a very common and relatable finding out you might be autistic/adhd/something else is obsessing over it and then convincing yourself you're making everything up and are actually normal and just suck at being a person.

I don't know if you want advice, but I think if I were in your situation (based on the knowledge I have) I'd look into it more. There are plenty of YouTube videos and online resources you can use to help figure things out, and if it's something you want then research what options are available in your area and what the requirements are (e.g. age/information/if you can do it alone or not). When I was first exploring all these possibilities, I started a thing in my notes app to keep track of different experiences that could potentially indicate or relate to something so I could look into it later, so maybe that could help!

I'm wishing you the best of luck in whatever comes next for you in this experience <33

[adorablemaneater]

the massive influx of pro ed "spo" in the community rlly has me thinking abt all the longterm damage I've done to myself bc of disordered eating, like there was so much stuff I wish I knew b4 I started. like not to be graphic but now if I go too long without eating im in horrible horrible pain and feel like vomiting for multiple hours. Not only that but that same toxic mentality of never being good enough or only being good enough till xyz leaked into every aspect of my life, my body wasn't just a "problem" now but soon everything about me was, my job, my personality etc. it affected my confidence (duh!), made me fuckin depressed and even hurt my relationships.

previously I had done years of work to get to a better place within myself and my mental health and am currently trying to undo all this habitual toxic thinking so I can actually be happy day to day again. My body never made a difference in how I felt, I've always had a very socially praised and "trendy" body type and I was still totally and completely miserable when i was starving myself. my body warped in front of my eyes even though it literally never changed, because the body is never the problem no matter what you look like or what you weigh or what pant size u are. or wether or not that changes I promise you the only thing that's actually wrong is the negative way in which you view yourself, NOT your body. THIS IS NOT WORTH IT. please do not listen to the parts of yourself that tell you you're not good enough because you're "not thin enough" or fat or curvy or anything bc it's literally not true. please do not listen to the people who say you cannot be happy or beautiful at your size bc it is pure projection of their own insecurities, Fat is cute, elegant and beautiful and has a place in every single aesthetic. its just not worth throwing your life, and health away when you're already fuckin perfect. If you're seeing all of this is uhmm I guess the best word I have is body negativity in the community and it's making you second guess yourself or consider going down this path m here to be your voice of reason n say that it will never be worth it, even with all of the damage I've done to myself I'm so much happier on the other end of this and I can pretty much guarantee you will be 2 <3

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

anon ask about feeling insecure due to body type and gained weight

so ive been scrolling down ur blog and reading other asks that you've been sent and thought i'd send my own about my own mountain pile of insecurities. i wont get into them too deep, but id like to let out at least a little bit because even just reading your replies to other people made me feel slightly better <3

i find my body type to be so disgusting and i know thats rude as hell to myself but i cant get out of that mindset. i feel like ive lost the genetic lottery in so many ways and its kind of consumed my mind. my boobs (and areolas) r massive but saggy, my butt is pretty flat and my love handles are a close competitor to them in their levels of juiciness, i hav lots of body hair in many unfortunate places, and to top it all of ive gained lots of weight. the list could go on!!

im 22 and ive never had a serious relationship involving sex, and im worried ill like freak out and cry the first time anyone sees me fully naked, which i rlly dont want to do. i want to feel pretty and sexy but i feel like my body makes that impossible ://

tldr: im super insecure

I'm glad my replies can help you in some small way. :) I still can't believe people respect my opinion enough to want to know what I'm thinking... oㅅo

To feel pretty / sexy is not about how you actually look and you know that, but I feel that you don't believe it. You know you're being unfair and unnecessarily mean. It's become a habit to take it out on your body because it's an easy target. It will take time to break out of this thought process but it can be done. Your body is not meant to be ogled at and turned into a circus animal. It is meant to help you; you take care of it and it takes care of you. How it looks is secondary to your health.

There's no such thing as "losing the generic lottery". It may feel that way because society constantly pushes this idea of an "ideal body type" or "conventional beauty standard" and this is for monetary gain, designed to make you feel uncomfortable or unsatisfied with yourself so you buy product and drive the economy with your purchases. Before this, beauty standards were developed by the rich to exercise their power over the lower classes. Being light-skinned was desirable because it meant you didn't work in the fields and get tanned. Having extra weight was desirable because it meant you were never hungry and could afford to eat in excess. But, as you can probably guess, what is considered beautiful or attractive changes over time. Tanning products are readily available and there's no end to the number of products that boast "lose weight fast".

Attractiveness is an opinion, not a fact.

The porn industry is like that too. Porn stars get waxed, lasered, nipped, tucked, put under the knife to achieve the "sexy body". In this day and age, anything can be done with minimal to no scarring. Beauty standards are pushed onto us through advertising and media, making you think this is the "common" or "typical" body type, "the one everyone likes", but that's not how human bodies work. There's a vast amount of variation from person to person, country to country, continent to continent. Outward appearance has nothing to do with what is in the inside, mentally and physically.

Even for men, there's a difference between bodybuilders who do it for looks and real strength. Competitions for the world's strongest are made of men with thick waists for core strength. They have fat to help cushion their joints so they don't injure themselves. When you see someone who looks "cut" and has very visible muscles and prominent veins, it is because they have dehydrated and starved themselves to look that way for that particular event. They don't look like that normally.

All this to say, you don't have to look a certain way for society to accept you; society is the one that is broken and shallow. Not you.

Your body is your body. Of course, if you want to and you can afford it, you can change it. But it's not necessary unless it involves serious health concerns. Big boobs have weight and gravity wants them too (lol). When you wear a skirt, you never have to stand there and realize your butt is hiking up the back and exposing you (or you have a weird low-high effect going on where the front is lower than the back...). You don't have to jam your ass in in jeans only to find the waist doesn't fit... then have to try and de-suction cup your butt without losing your panties as you panic in the dressing room. Ah, the fashion industry, sigh. Body hair can be shaved, waxed or left there; that is your own personal preference and you are free to change your mind whenever.

Weight gain is something many people go through. There are many factors involved and if you are interested in losing weight, it is more about the gradual change of habits you formed while gaining weight, such as using food for comfort, the way you view portion sizes, snacking because you're bored, etc. Gaining or losing weight often has to do with stress too. Physical and mental health are intertwined with each other. Don't think too much about the weight itself, but focus on forming healthy habits.

When you're ready to have sex, the person is not there because of your body. The person is there for you. The whole package, all of it. They already find you pretty and sexy. That's why they wanna see you naked! XD

Everyone has a different idea of "sexy" or "pretty". You won't fit everyone's ideal and neither do I, and that's okay. Desire is subjective. Someone might find you hot as hell for parts of your body you didn't even think about. And, hey, it's okay to keep some clothes on if you're uncomfortable. Only show what you want to and are comfortable showing. They will understand.

Everyone has insecurities and things they don't like about themselves. Loving yourself is hard. It's a constant journey and a lot of it is taking a pause to think about why you think the way you think. Is it real or is it an unconscious tactic to punish yourself unfairly? The harshiest critic is usually you.

Don't be so mean. :<

[dogin8]

I told myself If they did a c!dream redemption arc I would leave the fandom for my mental health and was wondering whether I should dip already at this point- /hj but like seriously do you think they are going to do a dream redemption arc or not? (don’t have to answer because I know it’s a draining subject, was just interested in your take)

AYO!!!

So to answer the question simply: No

i personally don't think a c!Dream redemption arc will happen, I'm not going to say that I confidently believe it won't, just that I don't think it will.

And I might just be saying this because I don't want it to happen for a variety of reasons,

And I've seen a lot of arguments saying how "it wouldn't be satisfying at all to just kill off c!Dream after depicting all this torture/after showing him in such a weak broken state" and... to be honest, while I kind of agree with that sentiment, I'm really not sure how I feel about that, like... I get that it would be bad BUT I... I think the problem is that c!Dream was presented that way in the first place, like c!Dream wouldn't need to have some "breaking free of the torture and healing" thing if they didn't portray him as sympathetic in the first place, it's just ended up making me confused as to how the story wants me to feel about this character.

^ Okay I wrote all that a little while ago and it's a total mess so sorry if it's repetitive or confusing to understand at all,

i just want to say, I don't want to feel sympathy for c!Dream but it feels like the narrative wants me to, and with how he has been presented recently, saying "a continuing downward spiral or death would be unsatisfying for this character" is frustratingly a valid argument even if I wish it wasnt, BUT Im gonna go out on a limb and put my trust in the writers here, I think that they will find a way to work around whatever is going on with c!Dream currently in a way that's not a redemption arc but also not horrifically bleak (and if it is just death, look, I'm not going to complain, I will understand if somebody else complains but I personally couldn't give less of a fuck about him, just because the narrative wants me to have sympathy doesn't mean i will /hj)

But yeah in summary:

I don't think we will have a c!Dream redemption arc,

I hope we don't,

I'm not entirely happy with how c!Dream has been made sympathetic and I feel like that's a hole that the writers dug themselves into

But i trust that whatever happens will be fine and enjoyable to watch

Also fuck c!Dream all my homies hate c!Dream

(I appreciate the out btw and ur right, it is kind of a draining topic but for me at least, posting stuff and being able to physically lay out the thoughts i already have rlly helps with making me relax about it, always happy to answer almost anything)

[cryolyst]

-

[imaginethathaikyuu]

How did I find your blog? I was looking for soft Kuroo content on google. And your soft birthday hc’s for him came up. And that’s also how I found tumblr

What was the first story of yours that I read? That Kuroo piece ^

Roughly, how long have I been following this blog? Well I found that piece shortly after it was posted so…. Around the beginning of December 2019 I think. Got a tumblr a few months later and you were the first person I followed (had you in my bookmarks bar before that! (still have you in my bookmarks bar and when I share my screen in classes there are occasionally questions. I ignore them))

What’s something I’ve noticed about you personality wise? You’re really clever and funny. But you’re also sweet. But because you’re clever you have no hesitation in setting up and enforcing your boundaries, and I really admire that strength and confidence.

Have we ever interacted, either by PM, ask, or in the comments? What was my perception of you? YES!!! PM, SOOOOO many asks, comments, and you sent me an ask. And reblogged it. And I cried. A lot. My perception: you’re lovely and I want to h*ld your h*nd ….please.

What’s my favorite story of yours? Oh how to choose. Firstly, I’m a nb, biracial, bisexual. Honey, I’ve never made a choice in my life. But let’s try here. Anything you’ve written for Tsukki. Literally all of it is gold. Fight me. I was going to write “especially [piece title]” but I LITERALLY CANNOT CHOOSE ONE. Your Bokuto nightmare piece. Your Kuroo angsty fight. Your Tendou dealing with S/O with parents who yell piece. Your Kinktobers. Your Futakuchi and Mattsun pieces. And your Terushima pieces. Ugh. I CANNOT CHOOSE. OH AND YOUR STREAMER KENMA!!!!!! OKay just… all of it. I can’t choose. I tried, and I failed, and I’m willing to admit failure.

What’s a story I’d love to see you write? I don’t want to say this… because it hurts me… but I just KNOW you’d write brilliant angst. Some of my fav pieces of yours are pained beginnings with happy endings. That fight with Tsukki after a bad day at work. The pieces I mentioned above (nightmare pieces and fighting pieces and angsty home life ha.. ha.ha.ha.). That Oikawa one where the reader wakes up in bed without him and thinks he left. You write these gorgeous atmospheres and descriptive, visceral feelings, and if you chose to use it for evil…. You could get evil shit done. You’re SO powerful. So I want to read it… but also…. I don’t. I’d love to see you write ABO like you mentioned a while back or just see you explore a cutesy soulmate AU or something. I think you’d be really good at writing an AU where you hear what the other person’s listening too. I feel like you’d be so good at making me feel something for someone who was in another city. (think this would be cute with Tsukki cos he’s headphones boy, OR terushima because I like the dynamic of someone flirty, who clearly cares about looks, falling for someone he can’t see) ANYWAY….

Favorite pairing you write for?/fav reader insert? Tsukishima x reader. It’s my fav self-ship. (but also Mattsun, Bokuto, Oikawa, Tanaka, and Akaashi because you write them SO WELL!!!!)

Have any of your stories helped me through a hard time? Of course. Your self-harm piece came at a time I needed it. Iwaizumi’s in particular saved my life. But also your Tendou dealing with S/O parents who fight… came right when I needed it. Also starting college… was hard.. And reading and rereading your fluff really pulled me through it.

Have any of your stories hit closer to home? YES (see above).

Do I genuinely like your blog, it’s aesthetic or posts? It’s overall feel? It’s content? Yes. The aesthetic is, ngl, a wee bit basic. But I kinda love that. And the feel? It feels like home. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Your blog is my safe space. So, yes, I love. It’s content? YES. OF COURSE. Your personality probably could have kept me here even if your content was kinda shit, but I follow you RELIGIOUSLY because of your content. So yes. I adore.

Is English my first language? Kinda??? I grew up in a trilingual household so I kinda learned three languages at the same time while growing up. But no, I don’t need to translate it in my head. Because English was one of the three.

Anything I want to share? Yes. Please keep being kind to yourself, caring for your mental health, enforcing your boundaries, loving Akaashi, and just generally being you. You’re so lovely as you are, and I hope you continue grow, but never change. Also I’m sorry about all your work stuff…. It literally makes me feel sick. And I hope you find a job where that’s not tolerated, or that your work finds a better way of protecting it’s employees. I know you know this, but none of it is your fault. I just hope things improve. AND I love you… a lot. And I’m so proud of you hitting 9K and you deserve so many more followers because your pieces are just... GORGEOUS. I can’t wait until I’m at Barnes and Noble in a few years and I can pick up a hardback copy of your debut novel. I’m so excited to say “I knew Em Akaashi (which is your legal name as far as I’m concerned) before she was so popular among the masses.”

so ive been trying to figure out the correct and worthy way to reply to this ask since the moment i got it......because its so fucking sweet and kind and amazing and pure and perfect and i just dont know how to use WORDS to explain the way it makes me feel so.......i will just reply in bullet points in regards to every question u answered to make it a lil easier :D

- the fact that u found my blog on google ....... like this may be odd and a very specific thing but before i made this blog i always hoped that 1 day my fanfic would pop up in google searches bc thats ALWAYS how i found fics when i was reading them religiously and i felt so much ENVY!!!!! LIKE I WANTED TO BE THERE I WANTED MY FICS TO B POPULAR ENOUGH TO POP UP ON GOOGLE.....that may sound very selfish but its true......so thats just very cool to me... :]

- u’ve been here for so long omg 🥺🥺🥺🥺 if anyone in ur classes ever asks jus promo my blog like its nbd 

- thats so sweet what 🥺🥺🥺 i try my best to advocate for myself and be confident for myself.....ive spent far too much of my time being silently uncomfortable because i was afraid of pushing someone’s buttons seeming rude.....but NO MORE!!!! i know what upsets me, i know my triggers, i know what i dislike experiencing, and im never gonna let myself be anxious or uncomfortable for someone else’s sake, esp if theyre being rude 2 me. i would say its less strength and confidence and moreso me attempting to take control of my anxiety in the places i can (aka on the Internet) bc i am SICK OF ANXIETY ATTACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

- BBY no dont CRY!!!! im racking my brain trying to think of who u are i wanna know so bad so i can thank u personally for being the kindest person in the world n so i can send u more asks >:(........MY HAND IS URS TO HOLD!!!!! dont tell akaashi tho 

- OMG my TSUKKI pieces.....hes so hard to write why ;-; thank u so much im so glad u enjoy my works<3333

- NOT ANGST NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!! pained beginnings to happy endings are my specialty.....IMAGINE me writing a sad ending like i CANT!!!!!!!!! ive only done it a few times and it is so Difficult.....YALL ARE SO LUCKY IM NOT EVIL!!!!!! ive had this idea for an angsty akaashi fic that i think about and write in my head every night before falling asleep and it Hurts and i wanna write it but i also can’t make myself :D ABO would be very fun but i genuinely do not know how to explore the concept while making it feel like it’s Written By Me.....u know what i mean? same with soulmate aus, i really dislike writing them because theyre just boring to me like they all feel the same everything’s been done for them.....which is FINE!!! but i write enough cliche stuff as it is HAHA, a long distance type soulmate au could be fun and interesting but ldr’s trigger me bc of a past relationship so </3 but hey maybe someone else could use the idea!!!!!

- gotta love tsukishima <3

- im rlly glad my writing could be there for you friend, one of the biggest reasons i write fanfic (and write the kind of fics i write) is bc i know firsthand how much reading sweet stories abt ur comfort characters can help u through the shittiest times - i just wanna offer ppl some support and happy feelings and love cuz sometimes fanfic is the only time we can find those things (and theres nothing shameful abt that either if anyone bullies u for reading fanfic i will fight them)

- I KNOW MY LAYOUT IS LAZY AND BASIC AS FUCK AND THAT IS BECAUSE I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT LMAOOOO so im glad u think its ok...... like i dont have the patience to create a fancy ass layout that actually works are u KIDDING ME??????? I COULD LITERALLY NEVER plus i kinda like that its just the basic kinda ugly boring default layout like it makes it simple and easy and i feel like it brings focus to the only thing on this blog that i care about which is my writing, i rlly only care about the content here and not aesthetics jdbljdabsdk that blue background will be there til i Die......i adore u more btw 

- WHOA trilingual what the hell ur so cool tell me more 

- you have my word, friend, that i will continue to do all of that so long as you do the same. take care of yourself, be kind to yourself - i know u can do it, ur so kind to others and u deserve to be kind to urself, too so this is the part that genuinely brought me to tears because *sappy dumb shit ahead* ok look ever since i can remember the one and only thing ive wanted to do with my life is become an author ...... dreams of book covers with my name written on them and words in pages written by me and fanart of my characters and going into my local bookstore n seeing my book there....these thoughts all haunt my fucking brain because i want it SO BAD!!!!!!!! so bad that it makes me CRY!!!!!!!! ive never wanted something more and just!!!!!!!!!!!! idk how much u meant that part but holy fuck!!!!!! i hope so bad that one day i can send u a free copy of my book as a thank u for being the person u are. u have all my love friend, every last bit of it <333333333

[seijch]

ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌