#working on it just feels like banging my head on a wall
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-Sevika x Reader
Synopsis: {Sevika has some trouble with her mechanical arm, you offer her help}
For my other works my Masterlist is here <3
softSevika,softSevika,softSevika! Enjoy my lovelies <3 💕
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The pale light of the moon was drowned out by the neon signs that flicker soft colours of pink and blue which bleed through your small apartment, it was the only source of light guiding Sevika through the room before she finds the light switch, clumsily flicking it on.
It had all gone so horribly wrong so quickly, what was meant to be a simple drop off and pick up turned into a violent mess— fucking useless, she thought bitterly. It’d be the last time she would work with some newbies who couldn’t tell their left from their right.
Her frustrations were bubbling over, that much was clear when she slams the front door shut, immediately wincing at the loud noise and once again she silently curses, this time at herself.
It was well past midnight and you were definitely knocked out like a light, it was endearing how quickly you fell asleep, one moment the pair of you would be talking then the very next you were snoring your head off. The thought of you curled up in your shared bed with your face smushed against the soft pillows makes her smile— the type that softens her hardened features.
It almost made her forget about the dull ache that seized her muscles, almost. She needed a drink.
So with a bottle of whiskey and her toolbox, you had so kindly brought for her spread out on the coffee table she sat down on the couch trying to fix the mess that had become of her mechanical arm— which was so much more harder to do by herself, without you there to unscrew the screws she couldn’t reach or to hand her the right tools… or to caress her cheek with those soft hands of yours, fuck, she had missed you more then she’d like to admit.
Sevika had been at it for hours, fumbling with one stubborn screw that had been lodged stuck. It refused to come loose for love nor money and it was driving her up the damn wall that she throws the stupid screwdriver across the room, watching it bounce across the wooden floorboards with a loud clang and a thud.
She stares down at it with a small scowl, scoffing before reaching for the bottle of whiskey.
“Sev?— what’re you doing?” Your soft voice, heavy with sleep ripples through the silence, breaking down the spell of anger that seemed ever present.
“Nothing, go back to bed, I’ll be there in a minute.” She mumbles the reply, ducking her head down to look at the floor beneath her, it was almost ridiculous how fast the guilt hit her. She’d woken you up at god knows what time with her banging around.
You shake your head at her dismissal, padding your way over to her with a small frown— your hands tightening the silk robe you had wrapped around your body. Without a word she moves her legs so you can perch yourself on the edge of the coffee table, sitting in front of her.
“You won’t be able to fix it if you’re drunk.” You tell her, a small smirk ghosting over your lips as you watch her put the bottle of whiskey down on the table with a small huff.
“It’s not the alcohol—” Sevika replies gruffly, her heart skipping a few beats at the feeling of your hand against her knee as you rummage through her toolbox. “It needs a specific part.” Gods, you made her feel like a lovesick fool sometimes but damn if she didn’t absolutely adore the feeling.
With a soft hum, you let your fingertips graze along the metal fixings of her prosthetic arm, the joints were all broken and a couple of cogs were missing— it’d be easier to fix if it was detached and by the look on Sevika’s face she knew this… but it was a pain to do.
“I could-” you go to offer her an alternative, eyes skimming across the mechanical arm as your tired mind runs a mile a minute.
“Just help me take it off,” She concedes with a weary sigh, nodding over to the screwdriver which you’re quick to pick up.
She didn’t like having it off, to feel so vulnerable and defenceless. In a strange way, it scared her. Sure she could probably knock a guy or two out with one hand but it was still daunting to feel so stripped in such a way.
You stand up from the coffee table, situating yourself in between her legs as you begin to gently unscrew the bolts, handing them over to her one after another as she puts them safely into a bag. Then with a soft hiss of air, the arm comes loose, the weight falling from Sevika’s shoulder and down on the sofa beside her.
“We’ll fix it tomorrow… get that specific piece.” You promise her with a tender smile, looking down at her from where you stand with her rough hand resting over the curve of your hips from between the opening of your silken robe— caressing up to your waist slowly.
“Mmhm.” She hums in agreement, leaning forwards to bury her face into your soft tummy with a heavy sigh that borders on a groan as you skim your fingertips along her cheek and through her hair ever so slowly that it has her nuzzling into you like a damn cat.
Gods, you knew just how to dismantle her… you were a dangerous woman— her kryptonite.
“C’mere.” She mutters, pulling you down onto her lap without a single second thought. Her strong arm wraps around your waist, holding you against her as you melt into her body— her fingers brushing along your hip.
“Come to bed Sev— you look like you’re about to pass out.” You whisper, turning your head to get a good look at her with those soft eyes of yours… so tired and sweet.
“I will just let me hold you like this for a minute.” She replies back, bumping her forehead against your own— pressing a kiss to your cheek then burying her face into the crook of your shoulder, a muffled ‘I love you’ spoken into your skin.
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#sevika#sevika arcane#sevika league of legends#sevika imagine#sevika x you#sevika x y/n#sevika x reader#sevika fluff#sevika fanfic#soft sevika#acrane#arcane sevika#arcane x reader#arcane#arcane x y/n#arcane x you#arcane fic#arcane fanfic#arcane fluff#arcane imagine#arcane s2#wlw fanfic#wlw#wlw x reader#lesbian#sapphic#wlw post#sevika drabble#arcane season 2#league of legends x reader
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I'm at the point in creation where I want to work on it - I really do - but if I look at it one more time I will become physically ill.
#reconciling what I want the story to be vs how the story is vs the critiques I've gotten to make the story better#is a hell of a time#working on it just feels like banging my head on a wall#trying to balance the 'I want it to be the best it can be' with the 'they get what they get' mindset#I stg this story is trying my sanity#I love it but god damn why did I have to make it so hard#littleblondesoprano#jordan goes to grad school#that's one thing I don't like about writing - there is no one to tell you how to fix it - there's critiques and guesses but no definitive#answers#which is also good bc there are things I feel in my gut work vs what people have said in workshop - more often than not the gut is better#all on me babeyyyy
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i really gotta get better about listening to my own brain and needs when i'm making things. i've been working on a video and i'm almost finished (yippee!!), but drawing this One Specific Frame was giving me trouble. i could have just brute-forced my way through it and finalized the initial sketch, since it was relatively good enough. but instead i left it and took a day off from working on the project, let myself recharge, and came back to the sketch with fresh eyes today. and what do you know, my redrawn sketch today is WAY better! now, i can finalize that frame and be genuinely proud of it, instead of just powering through on something i was less than happy with.
i hadn't done any other art stuff that day when i couldn't get my sketches to look right, so letting myself stop and have a break from the project felt sort of "unearned" i guess. but it's just. what i needed! and the break did what i needed it to do; i was able to come back later and make something i could be proud of.
anyway i guess this is me saying that, if you're like me and have this weird morality-complex about letting yourself rest, it's ok to take breaks, even if you feel like you haven't "earned" one yet :)
#rye.txt#growing up i got very accustomed to ignoring my own needs and just 'powering through' when i wanted/needed to get something done#which worked out relatively ok for me in school (banging my head against a wall until my brain absorbed information leading to exhaustion)#but now that im doing work that is ostensibly for my own enjoyment#i have a hard time divorcing myself from that mindset#i feel guilty if im not constantly working#which is. not great! so im trying to unlearn that#trying to let myself think 'ok my brain isn't brain-ing right now. so i should stop and rest/do something else'#my actual job is Very Emotionally Draining so sometimes i just. can't find the energy to work on my art#which sucks!! cause i love making art!! and then i think to myself 'maybe making art will make you feel better'#but then when i try it's like scraping the bottom of a dry well. trying to find water#when what i need to do is rest and let the water well up from the ground itself#but resting is HARD when you tie your self-worth to how much you can work#ough ok this got a little vent-y sorry guys#I don't want to let myself fall into the 'content creation' mindset. cause I don't think i make 'content' i make ART#and art isn't something you can just pump out mindlessly#good art. art that i can be PROUD of. that takes time and intent and energy. and I can't make that if im just scraping the bottom of a well#vent in tags#this whole post is just 'riley vs the concept that taking breaks is a moral failing'
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The secret to good school is good funding. One day, I dream of a world where all schools have options for their children. Personally, I think it's pretty important for that sort of thing to start out early. See if you're actually into that think BEFORE you're 100k in debt and hating your life.
My area has some awesome architecture. One time, I wanted to do a project on it, and my teacher said it was too complicated. I cried, like genuinely left that class, found a place to sit down, and just cried. The buildings were pretty, and I wanted to talk about them. I really do love the amount of thought put into those buildings. The people who made them are dead, but their art is still there. A bunch of dudes 100 years ago sat down and designed this theater. Then more came in and built it. And here I am, sitting there.
Architecture is so awesome in the way that it's interactive. It can survive longer than any human.
definitely!! being able to explore interests before you gotta choose one for your career is soso important i rlly wish i got to try out some more shit before i had to settle on smth
also sameee my city has a lot of old architecture (especially my school. some of the buildings are falling apart but they're very old and very pretty) and im like just in awe of it like architecture is an art but it's more than an art because unlike a lot of art it's not just something to look at it's somewhere someone lives or works or goes with friends and makes memories like a lot of art doesnt have a practical function but architecture does and it serves as a setting for so much of people's lives and that's really impactful and so awesome because there's architecture everywhere and it's all so beautiful *dreamy sigh*
also sucks that ur teacher sucked i hate when teachers/profs won't let you do projects on what ur passionate abt like passion is the basis of learning why aren't u supporting that....
#ask#i love architecture buildings r so pretty my school especially like i hate school but im like so scared to have to leave campus and all my#favorite buildings like i think buildings are unique as an art bc they have a sense of nostalgia that a lot of other art forms dont and they#hold a lot of memories and like there's so much variety esp in cities like the way different buildings work off each other is sp beautiful#and like the scale pf buildings make them so impressive like esp if youve watched them get built like buildings just feel so powerful#theyre made of so many little parts that come together and they can be changed and made new and they can be a beautiful facade for ppl to#look at and they can be filled with ppl's lives and ugh i love buildings i love architecture#like literally our city has quite a few nice buildings that ive had to have ppl drag me away from staring at them and everytime i go to#[redacted city] that has So many different architecture styles like im chatting during the whole time im there about the new modern styles#that are being built and the more established areas w old townhouses and how they play off each other and abt the placement of certain#buildings at key points for how they affect the skyline or how the heights of some buildings are used to draw more attention to certain#areas and ough. also hadnt been mentioned yet but i am also the same way abt landscaping i go oughh oughh fhe color choices for the bushes#against the bricks oughhhhh the way they framed the yard the way the garden plays off of yhe suttounfung buildings oughh#im kinda like that abt everything though if something can be framed as an art im like drooling and banging my head against the wall and#going oughhhh can u see the vision i see the vision everyone come snd look at this and see what the artist was intending to achieve w this#it is my horrible beautiful whimsical heart that makes me yhis way
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*gripping the bathroom counter and staring into the mirror* i will not sink into another depressive episode i will not sink into another depressive episode i will not sink into another depressive episode
#banging my head against the wall#i’m so tired. i miss my friends. i don’t want to work. but when i don’t work i don’t do anything#i feel like i’m just floating with no purpose right now#just jupiter#vent
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I neeeeed to work on my own music but I'm having way too much fun picking a new tmbg song to cover every day
#and then literally just putting the files aside and notshowing them to anybody LOL but really its good practice its helping me learn#the ins and outs of my daw and its just a blast and analyzing other peoples songwriting and arrangement choices is i think helpful in the#long run or at least i hope so or else this has all been for naught . But its also just Really really fun#doing thunderbird today :) !!!#Cant judge myself for too much for just busting out covers instead of working on my own music because the banging my head against a wall#until i suddenly become to the type of person who will consistently work on my own music approach has not been working and i was feeling#very burnt out. so i think any project that has me actually recording something and enjoying doing it and it actually also has me Practicin#like ive gotten much better as a keyboardist since i started doing this#Is a good thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So its okay! In a couple weeks maybe ill ready to tackle my own songs again
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youtube
this video makes me want to sob and throw up and scream and cry and collapse onto the floor
#actually like sobbing through it this is going to kill me genuinely#god ive not cried these kind of tears in a while LOL#i cry a lot but not whete it makes my chest hurt like this#everyone should watch Get Back. best docu ever made actually :)#but no theres smth about getting a beatles song in the year 2023#like its not smth i ever imagined but now that it exists its like wow. its truly over. its a fucking solid conclusion and it hurts so badly#im going to rip up my pillow the emotional pain this is bringing me is actually heart wrenching#my one brother one time was like the Beatles are so mid and overrated and i wanted to leap up and strangle him across the table#THEYRE LIFE CHANGING OKAY 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#idk its just so much my childhood :/#and this song is ripping my heart out </3#and hearing them talk about this being the last beatles track ever. like yeah i KNOW but god fuck ouch#the way they talk about george and john im going to bang my head into a wall#mayne i shoulf rewatch get back and have a mental breakdown#i told my friend about that docu when it came out and hes like wow that sounds incredibly boring#how dare you how fucking dare you. 8 hours of content????? fucking...great#but no seriously to listen to this song released now and it sounds exactly like their original work. im gonna throw up i feel so ill#never recovering from this actually 😊#catie.rambling.txt#Youtube
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#my boss excluded me from another hiring committee for a person who'd only be working with me#but brought on everyone horizontal to me#i feel angry the way she tried to just brush it off as an accident and said 'next time' like last time#i kicked the wall to hurt my foot and now im angry at myself cuz it feels like im backsliding#i can feel how easy itd be to bang my head on the wall or slam my arm on something or throw my phone til it breaks#im in one of those moods where everything feels hopeless#and like its not even news that my boss doesnt respect me#plenty of random people dont#whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever#people who dont matter get to me#im such an easily affected dumbass
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grrr hate art
#nothing is working and i am pissed off#but everytime i take a break to like. cool off. it sucks man.#telling myself fandom isnt an obligation but it feels bad being so inactive!#especially since my last 2 art posts have been admittedly very shitty#and i cant seem to get out of this hole. god.#banging my head against the wall bc its like#if i cant contribute art than what can i do. what am i even good at.#i think most of this is probably just being caused by school beating my ass to hell#and my just like. constant state of exhaustion#shits not great rn </3
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rrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAGGGGgggggghhfhfgfhjrrhrhhfhruddhdbdhfhfbrhrhduhtthtbfbfbfbr
#it’s okay. I have therapy tonight LOL✌️#me like yesterday: idk what I’m gonna talk about in feeling fine#me rn: GAMEDEV IS A TURBULENT INDUSTRY TO WORK IN AND I FEAR. THE EVERYTHING.#I’m ok tho. I have my job. for now.#banging my head on the wall tho. oughhh#I don’t regret my industry choice like there’s nothing else I wanna do really#just. god. why are things Like This.
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bwuhhh i know im being way too hard on myself about my art but that doesnt make it any easier to get my brain to be nicer to myself
#i managed to get some progress on a wip done today but i ended up feeling frustrated because of like having to redo#the face so many times. idk ive felt very weird this evening for no reason specifically about myself and my#creative work and my issues with not allowing myself to want anything and also living for so long#expecting myself to kill myself at some point and so its like ive lost the ability to visualize what i want for myself#due to abuse and such. but im also realizing that impacts my creative work to an extent#like i still am haunted by images and ideas i want to create i can still visualize drawings in my mind etc etc but its more like. a block#in my mind because of again abuse related stuff where ive been trained to not be allowed to want anything#and its like. okay what do i want my art style to look like. i dont know. im not allowed to want anything#bangs my head against a wall. okay im doing my best i just have to take it one step at a time as im working thru it
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it's funny bc I'm literally at a point where I may genuinely get the raise I've been a year overdue for and I'm making huge strides in terms of like. recognition at work. but I feel genuinely serious about potentially finding someplace else for the first time
#i almost sent an application out to another job but i need to get my top surgery first#i just........ i feel like i'm banging my head against a wall repeatedly and nothing ever comes of it#and i feel less and less endeared to my company#i feel like if i'm gonna go through all this they could at least pay me well#i sort of think maybe i'll get my surgery and in the time it takes to get through all that i'll try to make a positive difference in my#company bc i started participating in the diversity and inclusion team and they all seem jazzed about ideas i have#so i could work on that and help as much as i can elsewhere and then just....... quietly start a job search once i'm past surgery
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shit! fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuck may have put myself in a position where i could be taken advantage of. i have no idea. fuck
#i think no one told me that i was doing this#because they assumed i knew the risks#but also i don't know if it's a real problem#i don't know who if anyone has my best interests in mind about this#want to ask third parties who know about this situation#not sure god not sure#also only tangentially related i feel like i disagree with my professor on something#that could potentially waste many months#i will need to ask my postdoc mentor what he thinks about it and ideally I'd be able to reach out to the phd student who knows this the best#but he's super busy#banging my head against the wall on this#might just slack my professor about this when i get my shit together about it#but idk enough about this stuff to know what's likely to work or is reasonable#closest I've come to a panic attack in public in three years#eggsistential speaks#tag rant
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thank you hunty schafer
#im not feeling very hawk tuah today#i say today but it was the same as yesterday#Immortality is fun#but i could get any work done#because im a loser with no self control#i didnt cut myself tonight though so count my blessings#ive been feeling worse about my bones lately#i just feel like my shoulders are so broad and my hands are so big#and my skull is just giant it’s unreal#i think I’ve been developing like#maybe not an eating disorder but definitely an unhealthy relationship with my weight and food#it says something that when I was considering new adhd medication my main concern was whether it suppressed appetite or not#ive been weighing myself more too#im around 56 which puts me just barely underweight#so ii#just don’t understand why i feel so fat and so guilty about eating#i remember seeing an explanation somewhere that the reason some trans ppl do this is bcs of an agency thing#like they have such little control over their body’s so they do this to have control#maybe it’s that#but i just really feel like i need to be thinner and i know it’s stupid#.and my parents make me too much food for me to be in any danger#i just keep getting models on my Insta and ed shit too#like before i eat i always go ‘oh i should eat later to burn fat’ and sometimes when I feel like I’ve eaten too much I’ll let myself eat#but I’ll say that I’ll punish myself#like sometimes i would cut myself but it wasn’t usually that#i would just bang my head against the wall#idk whats wrong with me
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How does one's inability to connect with ppl irl translate to being able to talk to others online asking for a.friend
#banging my head into a wall what is wrong with me#it makes me feel sick how does anyone do that im so angry at myself#and it never made sense in my head like im horrible at talking to ppl no matter what the medium?? lol is that not how others work???#do ppl just text others like hey 👋? and then what? ???? ¿¿¿‽‽‽‽#i am forever baffled by my own incompetence
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Happy Wife, Happy Life 🤷🏽♀️ (🌽 Link)
Old Man!Price with a huge beer belly is always excited when you cook him a home cooked meal.
During his time in the SAS, John would absentmindedly fantasise about the bliss of domesticity. Of coming home to a well-loved house filled with knick-knacks with you giving John a soft smile while telling him that dinner will be on the table in a few.
Sometimes John tries to think about what religious good that he has ever done to have you in his life and he is fully convinced that domestic bliss does not exist without you in it. Pride and pity fills him up when he thinks about all the sad bastards out there who have never had the privilege of seeing you.
With all those years of training, he's developed some self restraint. He doesn't pounce straight away, wanting to take his sweet time with you.
John will sit in the living room watching you cook a hearty meal for the two of you, in your apron and not so cute pyjamas underneath which gives you such a wifely hue that he can never get over.
You plate dinner up and fix the dining table for dinner before you beckon him to sit down and eat. The mundanity of the conversation is what makes John's mind run a mile a minute. Having a beautiful wife, a delicious meal and talking about anything and everything that does relate to work. He can finally switch his mind off, he's away from the screams and shouts of the battlefield and is in the security of the four walls you share together,
Instead of the cries of the innocent and the ricochet of rockets banging in his eardrums, it's your sweet voice and loud laughs that echo in his ear like the melody of sirens. He's entranced and he only falls deeper. After dinner, John will help you clear the table, wash the dirty dishes and put away the leftovers for tomorrow's lunch.
You and John both walk to your bedroom and make your way to the en suite with John tailing behind you. Getting started with your nightly routine, he'll walk up behind you slowly yet purposefully, resting his hands on your hips before snaking his burly arms around your waist with your back flush against his chest, earning a chuckle from you.
A searing kiss on your shoulder, making his way to the curve of your neck, licking and nipping. Your face begins to flush and feel hot. A quiet, content sigh leaves your lips as John nuzzles into your neck with one hand squeezing your tits occasionally pinching your nipple.
“Come on, petal. The bed’s right there.” He’ll murmur against your skin like a lovesick puppy.
You try to protest only to have John already tugging you away from the bathroom sink to the bed. He’ll push you into the bed, settling in between your thighs. John will look up, hungry, desperate and absolutely pathetic. Peppering your inner thigh with chaste kisses, he makes his way to your clothed cunt.
“Been missing this good girl.” John buries his face into your cunt as it begins to soak your panties slightly. Groaning at the scent of you, he sucks on your panties. His saliva mixing with the arousal staining your panties. Eyes dilating as your soft mewls reverberate off the walls, John gets drunk of your noises.
“Forgot to take Viagra, hun. It’s just my mouth and hands for the night.” He looks at you apologetically.
You groan, hastily taking off your panties before shoving his face forcefully into your sopping pussy.
“More than enough, big bear.” A shudder gasp leaves your lips as John sucks on your clit, your thighs lock his head in place, pulling him even closer than before.
Blissful domesticity. John’s addiction.
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