#work ate me alive today and will again tomorrow

[stubz]

Storyteller

"Hello Max, I'm here to surprise Pollix with a early pick up."

"Oh how nice, although I don't know if he'll want to go right now."

"Why not? Is he in the middle of a game?"

"No, its story time."

The tighalax smirks. "You really think he won't want to come because of 'story time'?" he laughs.

"Just look and see." the human smiles.

The teacher leads the giant feline being through the child centre to a corner where a colorful and beautiful plush carpet lays on the floor. Not that you could see it as it was covered by sitting younglings. All entranced by the human standing before them telling them a story rather animatedly and loudly.

"Pollix, lets go." calls Dux, looking at his cub.

Not even a glance.

"Pollix."

An ear twitch but still no look.

"...Pollix!"

The whole class looks including Kim.

"Oh, Pollix, your dad is here."

"Papa, not yet! The story isn't done." whines the cub.

"...you want to finish the story?"

"Pollix wants to finish the story! Jax and Morgana are fighting the monster now!" cries Nova.

"...is it almost over?"

"Oh, um, almost but, Pollix I can tell you the rest tomorrow-"

"My Papa says its okay!" Pollix cries interrupting Kim

"...is it okay if I...?" trails a very embarrassed Kim.

The tighalax nods and actually goes to sit next his cub. The sight making Max snort as the 8 foot tall feline like being towers over the younglings. After he settles in and Pollix snuggles in on his Papa's lap he gives Kim the okay to continue.

"...story teacher!" whines the children, their teacher taking too long for their liking to continue the story.

"Oh...right...okay then." she mutters, face red from nerves and embarrassment. This was the first time a parent saw her tell a story.

"...the monster roared at our heroes, swinging his mighty axe down at them. Flung into the air our hero, Jax, is grabbed by the giant's fist and thrown into the monster's mouth." The cubs gasp as the human acts out the catching their hero. Her voice slowly getting louder again.

"NO!"

"What does Morgana do?!"

"Is he dead?!"

"Morgana, seeing that the villain ate her friend charges at him as soon as she lands. Her sword drawn and ready, her face angry, eyes full of tears, and with a mighty cry leaps at the giant." She begins to act out the story, going back to her story telling enthusiasm.

"The monster in turn swings his axe at her, with her in the air it will definitely hit her. The axe hits Morgana and she falls to the ground badly hurt...but not without killing the beast. At the last moment she gathers all her magic into her sword and throws it at the giant monster, piercing his evil heart!" cries Kim, thrusting her hand out as if she had just thrown the very sword.

"...and then..." whispers Nova.

"The monster fades away, revealing a hurt but alive Jax. Seeing Morgana he drags himself to her and they hug, happy to see each other again. Even if they're both not in one piece. The healers arrive and the two head home where they continue the rest of their adventure together, as they were always meant to be. The end."

The cubs cheer with most asking for another story.

"No, no more stories for today. Let's give Kim a break, okay, she's already told you 4 stories." Max ushers the kids towards the toys.

"That was a very good tale teacher Kim, I never knew Earth had such interesting history."

"Hmm? Oh that wasn't our history."

"A legend or folktale then?"

"No, just a made up story."

"Ah, could you tell me the name of it? I would like to read it to Pollix at home, it sounded very interesting."

"Oh uh, I actually just made it up." the human smiles.

"You made it up!? How long ago? Must have taken you ages." Praised Dux, tail flicking in excitement.

"Actually I just made it up now, I make the story up as I go."

"...you make it up as you go...y'know that offer to quit your job and join my pack still stands right? Our planet and culture greatly value Storytellers such as yourselves, you could even make a great living if you worked for me."

"Thanks but I don't think I could ever do that, I hate public speaking!" grins the human.

"...but you just-"

"Children are the exception."

[finnsbubblegum]

Becoming Mrs. Miller {Part 6} (Joel Miller x Reader)

Pairing: pre-outbreak!joel miller x f!reader

Warnings: fluff, domestic joel, pregnant wife reader (lmk if i missed any)

Words count: 1.7k

A/N: Hi! This is part 6 for Becoming Mrs. Miller. But it can also be read as a standalone. There will be one or two more parts for this story. The scenes are mostly from TLOU Ep 1 with additions and some changes from my story. Hope you like it! 

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

September 25

You tried to sleep but you couldn’t. You moved to your side and another but you still felt uncomfortable. You were around 22 weeks pregnant now and your belly was starting to protrude. 

“Joel, baby..” You shook Joel gently trying to wake him up.

“Hmm? What’s wrong, baby?” Joel answered you with a sluggish voice.

“I can’t sleep.” You moved closer to him.

“C’mere.” His arms reached you and pulled you to his chest.

“Tomorrow’s your birthday and I haven’t got you any presents. Do you have something you want?”

“Nothin’, baby. Just want you and our baby healthy.” He was half asleep.

“Okay.” 

September 26 - Morning

“Sarah, sweetie, can you wake your dad up, please?” You asked Sarah while cooking breakfast.

“Dad! Alarm! Wake up!” Sarah knocked on the door.

“Morning, birthday boy.” You looked over to your shoulder while Joel walked down the stairs as he buttoned his pants. 

“Morning, baby.” He gave you a kiss and rubbed your protruding belly.

“Happy birthday, Joel.” You cupped his cheeks.

“Happy birthday, dad.” Sarah poured a glass of orange juice into three glasses and put them on the dining table.

“Thank you, babygirl.” Joel kissed Sarah’s head and poured himself a cup of coffee.

“I was gonna make birthday pancakes for you but I forgot to buy them. Pregnancy brain.” You scoffed as you put the plates of eggs and bacon on the table.

“You know I don’t really like pancakes.” Joel ate his breakfast.

“I know you don’t like them.” You smirked to Sarah.

“Yeah, it was for my benefit.” Sarah added.

“Dad, vitamin C.” Sarah pushed a glass of orange juice to Joel.

Joel rolled his eyes and drank his juice. You laughed at Sarah's controlling behavior. 

“You get your, uh, homework done? Fractions?” Joel tried to make a conversation with his daughter.

Sarah shrugged and chuckled.

“How old are you again?” Sarah asked.

“36.” Joel chewed his bacon.

“Gonna have to wear diapers soon.” Sarah joked.

“Who says he doesn’t already?” You teased Joel.

He gave you a side eye and took something from his mouth.

“Shell.”

“Oh my God. I’m sorry.” You covered your face in embarrassment.

“Calcium.” Sarah’s answer made you feel better.

“Thanks, Sarah.” You chuckled.

“I got you, mom.” Sarah pointed at you.

“You two really are gangin’ up on me. Please let it be a boy.” Joel extended his arms to rub your belly.

“No! I want a sister!” Sarah insisted.

You and Joel laughed.

“Is there enough for Tommy?” Joel asked.

“I can make another plate.” You stood up but Joel stopped you.

“No, no. Eat your breakfast. He can grab somethin’ on the road.”

The three of you looked to the door as you heard someone was coming in.

“Ay! You’re still alive, you old fucker.” Tommy came in and patted Joel on the back.

Tommy made his way to the kitchen and looked around.

“I thought we was havin’ pancakes.”

“Sorry, Tommy.” You apologized for your mommy brain.

“We’ll pick you somethin’ up on the road. Concrete guys gonna be there?” 

“Yeah, they said maybe.” Tommy opened the fridge to find something he could eat.

“Maybe? We can’t frame until we pour. We’re not gettin’ paid until we frame.”

“Well, we could bring someone else on, get the job done faster.”

“No, no. I’m not splittin’ this job. I barely wanna split it with you. We could work a double.” Joel insisted.

“Literally? Today?” Sarah was getting upset.

“Joel..” You were upset too but you couldn't stop him from working hard because with the baby coming, you would need more money for the living expenses.

“I know. I’d be done by nine. By nine, right?” He tried to get assurance from Tommy.

“Yeah.” Tommy shrugged.

“I’ll bring back a cake. I promise.” Joel promised.

*On the radio*… continued disturbances in Jakarta, but are advising U.S. citizens…

“Jakarta. Where is that, Middle East?” Joel asked.

“Doesn’t ring a bell. It’s definitely a country.” Tommy was also not sure.

“Or maybe part of Asia?” You added.

“Jakarta isn’t a country. Being a part of Asia isn’t mutually exclusive with being a country, and in fact, it’s the capital of Indonesia.” Sarah proudly answered.

“Shit. Hope for us yet.” Tommy drank his coffee.

“Language.” You glared at Tommy and he chuckled.

“Finish up quick, your mom has an appointment at the hospital. We’ll drop you off. You got seven minutes.”

You got up and put the dishes in the sink.

“Your T-shirt’s inside out.” Sarah finished her last bite.

“Shit.” Joel rolled his eyes.

“Joel, language.” You gave him the evil eye. You didn’t want your baby to hear curse words even before it was born so you always got sensitive when anyone cursed.

“He’s losin’ it.” Tommy shook his head.

You walked them out and stood behind the car as Joel moved his stuff to the truck.

“Hey, baby. I’m sorry I can’t go with you today. Call me if you need anythin’ alright?” He kissed your forehead and rubbed the sides of your belly.

“Okay.” You nodded and smiled.

“I’ll see you tonight.” He walked to open the door for Sarah.

“See you, mom.” You kissed Sarah’s cheek.

You continued your morning routine and got ready to the hospital. You were excited because it was the day to know the baby’s gender. After you got everything ready and finished all the housework, you got into your car and drove to the hospital.

“Congratulations! It’s a boy!” The doctor pointed at the monitor showing you your baby’s genitals.

“A boy? My husband wants a boy.” You cried in happiness.

“Well, I guess God answered his prayers.” 

You couldn’t believe you were having a boy. You talked with Joel and the two of you had been wanting a boy. You were so excited and decided to go shopping for baby products at the mall. You bought some blue baby clothes, socks, and other things. Then an idea came to your mind. 

“I haven’t bought anything for my husband’s birthday. Maybe this is his birthday present.” You thought to yourself.

So you decided to buy a gift box and put the blue baby shoes inside it. You were going to give him this as a birthday present.

September 26 - Night

You and Sarah watch TV in the living room waiting for Joel to come home. It was 10 pm and he hadn’t come home. You were getting sleepy but you forced your eyes open until you heard the sound of keys jingling.

“You locked the door for once. Good job.” Joel was finally home.

“Yeah, I guess the mommy brain is working today.” Your drowsiness was suddenly gone.

“You’re home.” Sarah turned the TV off.

Joel groaned and sat beside you on the sofa. He rubbed his eyes. He looked really tired and you felt really bad towards him. You didn’t like seeing him tired and working too hard to make ends meet for you and your family. But you couldn’t do anything. You had offered him to help but he didn’t want you to work. He knew how hard it was being pregnant so he didn’t want you to suffer more. 

“It’s 10.” Sarah sounded disappointed.

“I know. They gave us the wrong size of the headers. That doesn’t mean anything to ya. I’m sorry.” Joel apologized.

“Where’s the cake?” Sarah had been looking forward to celebrating her dad’s birthday.

“Shit.” Joel forgot to buy the birthday cake.

“Joel.” You glared at him as you put your hand on your belly protectively.

“Sorry, baby. Daddy didn’t mean that.” He rubbed your belly and talked to the baby.

“I’ll get us one tomorrow.” Joel promised Sarah again.

“Swear, or you don’t get your present.” 

“You got your dad a present?” You raised your eyebrows.

“You got me a present?” Joel was surprised too.

“Swear.” Sarah repeated.

“On my life.” Joel swore.

“Wow.” Sarah gave Joel a box with his fixed watch inside.

“Fixed it for you.” 

“Did you?” Joel raised his watch near his ear to check. 

“What?”

“I don’t hear anything.” His face was confused. Then he laughed.

“That was lame.” You laughed and slapped Joel at his joke.

“You’re lame.” Joel got Sarah for a second.

“Yeah, I know.” Joel laughed at his own joke.

Then the three of you watched the DVD that Sarah borrowed from the Adlers, your neighbor. Joel put his arms around you and you leaned on him. Sarah didn’t want to be left out so she leaned on you and you put your arms around her. Sarah promised not to fall asleep but she fell asleep not long after the movie started.

“Sarah’s asleep.” You told Joel.

“I’ll put her to bed.” Joel carried Sarah to her bedroom and tucked her in. 

He kissed her forehead and went downstairs to find you massaging your legs.

“You okay?” Joel looked concerned.

“Hmm.” You kept massaging your calves.

Since you got pregnant, you often felt pain on your legs but today the pain was worse. You thought it might be because you spent a lot of time walking at the mall shopping for baby products. 

He sat beside you and took your legs to his lap to massage them. 

“Think I walked too much today. It hurts.” You rubbed his upper arm.

“Don’t force yourself too much, baby. Anyway, what did the doctor say? Everythin’ great?” He asked.

“About that.. I got you a present too.” You took out the box and gave it to him.

“Really? I told you, you don't have to get me anythin’.”

“Come on. Here.” You gave Joel a navy blue box tied with sky blue ribbon on top of it.

“Open it.” Your heart was beating faster.

“Thank you.” Joel kissed you and opened the box.

“Baby socks?” He looked confused for a moment. Then he realized something.

“Wait. It's blue. We’re having a boy?” His face lightened up.

You nodded and opened your arms for him. He hugged you tightly and kissed your temple.

“Hey peanut, it’s daddy. You’re daddy’s best birthday gift ever. Can’t wait to meet you. Be good to your mama, okay?” Joel came closer to your belly and talked to his baby boy. 

“Oh!” You gasped.

“What’s wrong?” Joel got worried.

“He kicked.” You giggled.

“You can’t wait to meet daddy too, don’t you?” Joel chuckled and rubbed your belly where the baby kicked. 

To be continued... Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Taglist:

@moonlightdivine

@happinessinthebeing

@nyotamalfoy

[shi-daisy]

Future Plans

Day 2! I'll be honest this entry is a bit short, cuz I was seriously stumped but I hope you like seeing Tammy in his soldier days. Hope you like!

@tamlinweek

Tamlin Week 2024- Day 2- Warrior/Poet

Future Plans

The bonfire burned brightly as they gathered around it and ate some rations before sleeping, Tamlin was about to fall over if Amdras hadn't wacked him in the back of the head.

"Eat before you pass out, princey!"

"Jerk."

"Leave Tamlin alone, Andy!" Rosencratz said as he took a sip of wine. "He saved our asses today!"

"Yeah! Just for bothering him it's your turn to talk!" Clavel told him.

The brunette twins and the rest of the squad didn't give up so he shrugged. "Fine. Once we are done with service I'll become a sentry and work until retirement, maybe get married ans have kiddo if I find the right person."

"Awww that's cute! Okay me next! I want to be a chef!" Lilianne, a blue haired blue skinned soldier spoke up. The tiny woman certainly always brought a good fight. Tamlin had no doubts she'd make honors when service finished.

"Ill cook with you Lili! What's say you, Lance? What shall you do?" A tiny male pixie spoke to their shadow wraith friend.

The tall grey skinned fae smiled. "I want to be a gardener. I love Spring! Moving here was the best decision I made!"

"I hear that!" Andras beamed, he was still pale and cold to the touch betraying his Winter heritage yet he seemed very happy to be here. "What about you, Tamlin? What shall you become after military service ends?"

What could he become? He wanted to be a traveling muscian but doubted that could come to pass before Oisin died and one of his brothers took the throne. Then he thought back to the parchments and verses that were on his pack along with weapons.

"I'd be a poet."

"A poet...That suits you, your limericks are always a riot!" Rosencratz said.

"Write about us!" Lilianne joked.

The rest of the group chuckled, approving his decision. He felt slightly bashful having a familiar moment that he sorely lacked at the manor with his blood siblings.

No matter, they'd go back home tomorrow and be done serving in two days. Tamlin intended to reward all his squadamtes upon the end of service. For now he wanted to sleep.

None of them quite heard the roaring monsters in the distance.

***

Death is certain as the sunset over the horizon

Today I stand before you with eyes of iron

That our farewell would come in a thousand years time

Not just as we are about to reach the end of the line

Rest well, in fields of daisies and marigolds

Until we meet again in times of old.

Tamlin finished reading as he stared at the coffins. Only he and Andras made it to the end of service alive, for the rest of the squad perished during the attack on their camp. Tamlin doubted he'd ever forgive himself for failing them. He spent his nights since swearing such a thing wouldn't happen again.

Tamlin put his feelings into reading the verse before collapsing into a fit of crying. Andras held him in a hug until he was quiet.

"That was perfect, you did very well. Come, let's go back and let the morticians do their job. I heard Prince Dorevan called the Autumn prince's to celebrate. Luce will cheer us up."

He smiled sadly. "Yes, it's been a while..."

He stood and let Andras guide him away as they left the room. With one last glance at his friends he swore he'd write them a thousand poems.

"C'mon big guy. I'll take care of you for them." Andras said as they walked away, unaware of the smiles on his ghostly friends faces.

Hopefully neither would join them any time soon.

[lostsoulau-ask]

Journal of a Hatter - Getting used to it...

Day: ? Rainy day - Autumn?

It rains today, i'm using my hat as an makeshift umbrella as i write this. And we already felt miserable being stuck here... At least rain water is a "nice" change from this horrible tea we have to drink every day. I think my my entire mouth began to feel numb because of drinking this for... who knows how long...

Day: ? - Cloudy

The rain stopped, for now at the least. Everything on the table is soaked with rain water, even the biscuits… The table look weird, …who or… whatever that was it seemed dangerous, i don'' want to be here when the table comes back alive… if it can. Its Wonderland after all… everything can happen. Everything seems to get smaller by the weeks…. i was sure that Chaos and i were almost the same height. Ill ask the others tomorrow.

Day: ? Some clouds and a bit of sun

…The others told me that it was me that got taller, maybe. My clothes seems to be still intact tho… They probably drank some "Drink me" Bottle without knowing. I maybe ate a "Eat Me" cake too… but hey that's not a lil' drink can't fix. I don't even know why i have that staggering number of "Drink Me" Bottles in my coat pockets. I drank a few without the others notice but nothing happened, …maybe it take time the drink to have an effect in Wonderland. The chair i'm siting in is starting to get really uncomfortable if i sat even for a few minutes Kurabe tells me that its nothing but when i talked back, she looked at me with the most horrifying death stare i have seen from a Raspberry Mouse. Note to self, don't anger her.

Day: ? Cloudy… again

I tried to see how this curse works in more detail while i search for something my height i can sit on without my back hurting. Apparently if we get too far from the table for more than a few minutes (about 5 to 10 minutes) this awful pain comes back and get stronger the longer we are away from it. It can only stop if we sit back at the table. Or if someone take our place apparently.

I heard Fettu falling when i was cleaning my glasses, when we helped her up she looked like she seen a ghost, the other told me that she just got "surprised" because of my lack of eyes. Are they aware of the concept of Glasses ? ...She'll probably also look like a tired mess if she slept in a chair too small for her.

[mangoposts]

https://www.tumblr.com/mangoposts/747499324531949568/httpswwwtumblrcommangoposts74749826055025459

you tell your brother about your crushes and shit ??? That’s so cute !! I need to know his take on your current situation!

Yeahhh i feel a little more alive today but tomorrow i have to go to work again so by the time i’ll fall asleep, I’ll probably feel like shit again but it’s fine 😀😀😀😀

the movie was The first omen. The movie in itself isn’t thaaaaat bad but it was kinda all over the place. It would’ve been better if they focused on one storyline only imo

Yesssss i tell him because he knows the guy really well so he’s trustworthy 😭 His only take is to keep talking to him and he gave me a lecture on how i should stop ghosting people because ill die alone ❤️ And i said what if i want to die alone and he said WELL OKAY THEN THERES UR ANSWER so overall i guess he ate idk

I hope you have a good day at work tomorrow and aren’t too tired 💔Get a lot of rest beforehand. I haven’t seen a horror film in so long but now i wanna watch this to see how bad it is 😭😭😭

[blackypanther9]

Dia De Los Muertos – Bruno x Reader

Pick your Gender.

Dia De Los Muertos was coming. The Madrigal Family needed at least a few hours for preparing it and Bruno’s Lover joined in.

“Come on, Y/n ! We need to prepare everything !”, Bruno said happily.

“What do we need to prepare for ? A Birthday ?”, you asked confused.

“No ! It is soon Dia De Los Muertos !”

You looked at Bruno with an expressionless face.

“The what now ?”, you asked.

“Oh right ! In English it means the Day of the Dead ! We celebrate it.”

“Oh… Why tho ? What’s so special about it ?”

“Well, we have a legend of the afterlife, of some sorts at least. When you die, you will be in the Land of the dead. There is one special day though, where you can come and visit your Family. If the picture of a dead person is on the Veranda then the said dead person can cross over a bridge that is made out of Marigolds. We also spread these on the streets into our home, because we will help them find back that way. We celebrate and they celebrate with us. We put a lot of food on their graves and Verandas so they can take it home with themselves. We share stories about our passed away Family, to keep their memory alive and by that we keep them alive. If we forget about one of them or no one lives anymore that knew them or their stories…they disappear from there and move to somewhere else. If the picture of a dead person is not on the Veranda, they can’t cross and come over.”

You listened intently and were now just as eager as Bruno. You grabbed his hand and then tore him out of his room, which he yelped at in shock and then smiled by your eagerness.

Soon you were with Bruno in the kitchen and asked what you and him can help the others with. Bruno helped Julieta by cooking, and you helped Isabela spread the Marigolds. Then you helped with setting the desk and decorating Casita.

After a few hours you were all done and waited for the night to come, to celebrate.

Bruno and you were in the Living room reading and cuddling together while the others either played or talked about things for the next Dia De Los Muertos.

The night has arrived and you and Bruno had sneaked out of Encanto to bring Bruno’s Father his gifts. You selected them with him and set them near the River.

“Happy Dia De Los Muertos, Senor Madrigal.”, you said as you set it down and looked at the River.

“Happy Dia De Los Muertos, Padre.”, Bruno said softly.

Then you giggled and pulled out Marigolds and started a trail into the Encanto.

“Y/n ? What are you doing ?”

“Bringing your Dad into Encanto !”

“He got washed away right after he was slain. There is no certainty that this will work.”

“Don’t be such a wuss and help me !”

Bruno looked at you nervous and you sighed and continued until the Marigolds were connected to the rest of the streets of Encanto.

After you were done you ran back to Bruno and dragged him into Casita, unbeknownst to you two that a certain someone was watching you with a smile and followed the Marigolds for the very first time.

Alma was angry as she found out that you made a trail from outside to inside Encanto, but she didn’t let her anger consume her. Not today. You only wanted to help and that is all the more reason to not have a fit right now.

Soon the Madrigals ate and celebrated like there was no tomorrow. But everything stopped when a golden glow emitted in the center of their yard. Soon enough everyone gasped in shock and Alma almost fainted.

In the Center of the yard of Casita stood Pedro Madrigal. He had a big smile on his face and chuckled.

“It’s good to finally be able to see my Family again.”, he said.

“Pedro…?”, Alma asked.

“Hello Love.”, Pedro greeted back.

“I KNEW IT !”, you yelled and shook a shocked Bruno.

Pedro looked at you and chuckled.

“Thank you for helping me here. I never found my way to them after I died. This is my very first time.”

Alma looked at him in horror. His very first time…?

“So you never saw them growing up ?”, she asked.

“Sadly no. But I look at my kids now and I see just how much they grew and how happy they have become.”

Alma smiled, but knew she had to come clean with her Husband.

But even after Alma came clean, Pedro wasn’t angry with her. He was happy that his mijas (daughters) and hijo (Son) found love and maybe, just maybe, his hijo will have a child too. One day.

Today he was just happy to be with them and to talk with them.

END

[pbandjesse]

I fell apart again today. I better feel better tomorrow because this sucked so much.

Last night I was shivering so bad and I was so upset and so uncomfortable. Very unsure if I actually had a fever but man I uncomfortable.

I don't remember falling asleep. I don't even remember James turning the lights off. I kind of remember them leaving for work but not really.

I got up around 9 and Jess texted me to see if I was alive. Barely. I had woken up at 3 am because my nose was just scabs and I couldn't breath. I blew my nose and put on a breathright strip. It helped but I was still woozy from lack of oxygen when I got up.

I stopped the bed and would get washed and dressed I love this dress. It's like the perfect day off house dress. No fuss at all. But as soon as I left my room it was hell. The apartment was so humid it was like standing in oatmeal. But not in a nice way!!! It was horrible.

So I would make a pocket. I closed the windows in my studio and James's room. I closed the curtains in the doorway (since we have no door there), and put a fan towards that curtain. Then I put the air on. And it took a little while to work but when I went into the living room and back it was very noticeable how much cooler it was. And it would get more comfortable as the afternoon went on. Worked really well.

I would vacuum. And go through the stuff that Julie had dropped of for me last week. Some neat stuff in there!! A lot of it will go to camp and I'm really glad it can be used!

I would spend an hour or so cutting fabric for bears. I felt pretty weak but sitting on the floor where it was cool made the work a lot easier. I used the end of a few pieces of fabric. The blue and green specifically. I also had to make a lot of bears that's legs will have to be attached separately. Which is fine. But I am going to mix some colors for the first time because I think it'll be fun. I hope to get a lot of them sewn this week. I also want to have 100 squares done. I'll have to count and see how many I have tomorrow.

I had only had a bit of seaweed salad so far today. The idea of eating most of the stuff in the fridge made me gag. I felt really weak but all of the food made me feel ill.

I would eventually figure out something. We had one egg left and I got an avocado yesterday. So with those and some toast I was good. But I was also crying. I started feeling very very bad. And uncomfortable and just so upset. I was upset with James. And with the world. And with myself. I was hurting and texting James being so upset. I texted Jess too. And they both validated me but I still felt stupid for being as upset as I was.

After I ate I cried and fell asleep.

Which didn't exactly make me feel better but at least James was home when I woke up.

I felt really unwell still though. James had gone and gotten some groceries and some snacks would help. But it took me a few hours to stop feeling like I was going to fall apart.

We would sit in the dungeon and play the rest of our unpacking video game. I had lemon water which made me feel more hydrated.

Eventually we would share Mac and cheese. And I would go take a shower. I washed my hair and now I am waiting for James to finish their own shower to go and dry my hair.

I am worried about camp this week. Nervous. We are doing weaving and it's either going to be so fun or a disaster. It can go exactly no other ways.

So wish me luck. I love you all. Goodnight my friends

[nathank77]

8/22/24

8:16 p.m

I hate that I can't sleep without drugs. I hate that I need them. I hate that no matter what sleeping drug I'm on the risks are high and it's all just to sleep something most people can do in 2 minutes after a long day.

How did last night go? Well I slept and fairly well. I know I woke up at 12:48 a.m or so and after that I was asleep until 8 a.m or so.

I struggled to sleep but didn't have much anxiety. It must have taken at least 30 minutes but I didn't wait for max effectiveness.....

I heard my tv sleep timer go off at 11:13 p.m. I'm pretty sure I was awake. See I dream of not sleeping a lot... I believe it was real. But usually I turn on the tv and I chose not to. I am like 70% sure I had had my eyes closed for like 30-45 minutes and didn't fall asleep.

I looked back at the American dad episodes that played and see the weird thing is Two of them I don't remember. Although at 12:48 i turned it back on for 1 hour to drown out the hallucination in case it took me a while to fall back to sleep. I'm about 90%, sure I did which would explain the 2 extra episodes cause.... I fell asleep very quickly at 12:48 I didn't need the Melatonin thats for sure. But the other 3 episodes I remember listening to. I guess the last two played at 12:48 a.m when I went back to sleep. And I must have heard the tv sleep timer go off at 11:13 p.m....

But sometimes I think it wakes me up bc it's loud.. just not last night...

I think I fell asleep very shortly after not turning the tv back on. Sometimes I think the sleep timer wakes me up... but I'm sure most nights that it didn't....

When I woke up at 12:48 I went to grab a protein bar and some more Melatonin. I swear I grabbed a pure Protien bar from the pure protien box but it ended up being a think bar.

When I looked this morning there was also a quest bar in the pure protein bar cardboard box bc when I put them in the storage bin cabinet I had to mix a couple to allow the draw to close and open. I still think it was weird. I didn't see the package when I opened it but when I ate it I recognized it was a brownie think bar.

I thought it was weird but I must have seen the chocolate pure protein bar and grabbed the think bar. Idk.

I'm taking a 1 again tonight to try to get my circadian rhythm right. Tomorrow it's the original dose and weed worst case or an all nighter.

I mean I took my Methimazole early today a few hours before my l salvariuos... so hopefully fixing my circadian rhythm will fix my insomnia and taking my Methimazole a few hours before my l salvariuos will fix my tsh.

Idk I feel hopeless.

I hate how I feel like I never slept when my tv is off. Cause you go from closing your eyes trying to sleep to waking up with your eyes closed and the hallucination. I felt like I hadn't slept from 11 to 12 but I know I did cause there is no way I wouldn't have turned on the TV to drown it out. It drives me crazy. I can't fucking stand it or being alive.

I just wish it would stop.

I wish I could find a partner my life feels fucking pointlessly sad. I can't even sleep.

I'm disgusted with myself that I have to take a psych med to fall asleep or ANY med at that rate

I just wish I never met Kristen and I had a competent therapist and I never got psychosis and I was sleeping like I used to and still able to smoke weed and nothing changed.

Cause in my experience life just gets worse and I'm sick of being here.

Tomorrow is going to be my true test of circadian rhythm... If what I did last night and tonight doesnt work I guess I'll go on methimazole everyday as of the 24th... I have to say I tried everything... cause tbh methimazole doesn't effect tsh and I want to listen to my Dr's original advice.

[timeoverload]

Today wasn't too bad. I only had 25 cases so that was manageable. I have been a mess all day though. I have been so sleepy and it's hard to focus on anything.

Nothing that exciting happened today. I mostly just listened to music and kept to myself. I was just too tired to interact with anyone much. My cases got done at 3:45 so I sat at my station and wrapped stuff for the last hour. It was nice to be able to sit down. I was so loopy at the end of the day and I was being stupid. My co-worker thought it was hilarious though so it's ok. I'm glad she thought it was funny. It was nice to laugh with someone.

I didn't eat as well today. I wish I knew why I have such a big problem with food. I can't be consistent. I got breakfast this morning and it was good so I ate a lot. I didn't eat lunch because it smelled bad and my stomach was in knots again. I am frustrated because I have always been like this and it's so bad for me. I never want to have to get a feeding tube because it sounds miserable so I am scared of that. I have to get better or I will need one. I will keep trying. I got dinner on my way home. I ate most of it but I couldn't finish it. I had pain in my right side after eating and it still kind of hurts now. I might just be dehydrated because I didn't drink enough water today. I have been drinking a lot of water since I got home.

I've been having problems with my lower ribs/sternum on my left side for a couple weeks now too. I have been trying to ignore it but it hasn't gone away. It was really annoying today. It's not affecting my breathing so I don't think it's an emergency. I can feel a clicking sensation when I take a deep breath sometimes. It feels like my bones are moving around. I don't think I have any broken bones because I think I would be having more pain if that was the case. It doesn't really hurt but it is a little uncomfortable. I only notice it while I'm working and moving around a lot. I might have slipping rib syndrome or something like that. It is probably from bending over all the time and lifting things. I have been trying to avoid lifting heavy stuff as much as possible but it's not helping. I am going to say something about it when I go to the doctor next Friday. There's not much that can be done for it so I will probably just have to deal with it. I'm sure I will be fine.

My body is so angry with me. I really wish there weren't so many things wrong with me. I hate feeling like I'm falling apart. I hate complaining about it. I'm sorry for complaining so much. I want to feel alive again.

I think I should just relax now. I don't want to think anymore. I already got ready for bed. I think I'm going to have to go to sleep soon. I need to lay down because my back hurts. It is going to be a busy day tomorrow. I have 20 cases in the morning and 8 in the afternoon. I hope that it isn't too stressful. I will try to make it a good day.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow too. 💖💖💖

[borderline-gays-club]

03/07/24. 11:18pm

I had a rough week. A lot of lows and life testing me lol. Just been feeling depressed abt wasting my life at my stupid job and not being able to get anything that’s not customer service related. I haven’t even gotten responses from restaurants: the industry that I have 6 years of experience in…

And I’ve just been applying nonstop to any job that isn’t gonna make me want to die for the past like 3 months. And writing cover letters and constantly looking at jobs that I barely don’t qualify for and the job market in general just being a hellhole. And now that I’m getting a crumb of interviews, just wasting my time going to these things hoping I get hired. It’s just all depressing and it’s been finally hitting me.

And of course bc of all this my money problems are exacerbated and it’s just constant anxiety abt money. And etc etc

I finally mustered up some hope in me like 2 days ago too and just got physically exhausted from my job. Then the next morning I had my whole day planned to keep my hope alive and just got crushed again. I waited 5 hrs outside for a check I didnt even end up getting that day. And it was raining and I was wet and cold and hungry lol. Had to ask my mom for help who has already been helping me a lot with money and I’m very privileged to have her as a safety net but she’s been talking abt being tight on money now so I just hate asking for extra help. I just wail cried for like 10 minutes and asked my friends to help me with dinner prep. I’m learning to ask for help slowly when I’m not okay instead of either isolating or pretending like I’m ok and holding it in. I’m still learning the balance of how much of my feelings to show/express in front of others. Mostly bc in the past my feelings wud just b too extreme and take up too much space.

But today was better. I got my check, was able to pay the rest of my rent, was able to eat something yummy and feel full, got a few art supplies to start a small project I’ve been thinking abt the past few days. I was gonna work on stuff but I’ve been learning how to slow down. Bc pushing myself too hard all at once just ends up in huge breakdowns and burnouts. It’s not worth it at all. So I just chilled and petted my kitty and was present with her. Didn’t feel guilty abt not being “productive”. I really needed some emotional, and mental and physical rest. It’s just been a lot.

And I’m mostly writing all this down bc I need to remember these moments where I can see myself making small improvements in hard habits. Like slowing down esp when I’m feeling overwhelmed and being present in my existence. And asking for help when I’m feeling overwhelmed and not okay instead of isolating or faking I’m fine.

And then just now, something happened that I wanted to jot down. So I made dinner for everyone and it didn’t turn out right. My friend who, long story short, cannot eat food if the texture/taste is icky to them and it emotionally affects them negatively to eat food that is wrong, ate a little bit and couldn’t eat. Also them not eating sets them up for a difficult next day, and bc of other things they didn’t eat much today. So I felt really shit that I made the food inedible for them and just went silent for like 10 min. And of course they noticed and asked and I told them I just felt bad cus they cudnt eat.

And we watched Naruto and just chilled and I felt my spiral dissipate. Just expressing it out loud slowed down my spiral. Cus in the moment I was just getting intrusive thoughts like “you’re a failure, youre a terrible friend, you can’t even do simple things right, you’re so miserable, you should punish yourself by not eating, it’s all your fault that you ruined their whole day for tomorrow, they’re going to suffer bc of u etc etc”. And then I was like I can either isolate (which felt like the “better” more familiar option) and continue to spiral into self hating gunk OR stay present and just say the feeling out loud and see where it goes from there.

Although I wanted to do the first thing (isolate), I said no. Bc I knew I wud just sulk and be upset and it wud just turn into a whole existential deep hatred for myself especially with how the week went. So I sat and processed what to do. My friend asked if I was ok. I said it simply that I felt bad cus they cudnt eat. We continued watching the show and the spiral dissipated as I engaged with my friends again and got out of my head and present with the moment and the show.

And then there was a moment after the show was done and I said sorry for getting moody, and explained the whole thought process above.

And I didn’t say this out loud cus I didn’t want to take up too much time deep diving esp cus it was getting late and my friend was just low from not eating well today, but another thing to note is I know where this extreme splitting of myself is coming from.

This is also very specific to my best friend who I am talking abt. We had a rough past, bc of me and essentially my unchecked/undiagnosed BPD. There was a point where they basically said if I don’t change the relationship can’t continue. And I’m still grappling with the guilt of the pain I put them through. And I know it’ll take time. But this is why when I make a mistake or don’t do something exactly as I planned when it’s something including my friend I spiral into this guilt self hatred shit. But I will say I’ve gotten better over time.

I remember before I literally bawled bc I offered them a cinnamon roll I made and they politely said no thank you. And I just immediately spiraled like: oh god they think the food I made is disgusting so therefore I’m disgusting and horrible and vile and they’re going to leave me and they secretly hate me and etc etc. and thinking abt this now I’m like…god damn. It was really that intense for me!!! And now I wud just not react that way at all. And I later told my friend this whole thing and they were like oh I just literally brushed my teeth and just didn’t want that specific food item in that moment anyway. Lol it was just such a non situation and I blew it up in my head.

And like I definitely still do this and struggle but it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be. And in regards to the situation that happened tonight, instead of catastrophizing and being like oh god now tomorrow will be all bad and my friend is going to starve!! I slowed down and was like well, what are possible solutions? They can’t get food in the morning bc it’s too early, I can’t make them food early in the morning bc they expressed they need something high dopamine to b able to eat after a bad texture food (can’t b the usual breakfasts I make), they can’t eat something near their job bc there’s not much nearby and their break is short, BUT I can try to order them food near their job during their break. So we figured that out together and hopefully It will work out. And even if it doesn’t it’s not the end of the world. It will just suck, but it’s a situation that can be recovered. And ppl make mistakes, and the mistake i made is just something that can happen sometimes. And there are solutions to these problems.

I need to practice more self compassion bc self hate doesn’t even benefit the situation nor the relationship. If anything it makes everything worse.

So yeah. I wanted to write this all out so I can look back and really see the progress I’ve been making and im proud of myself for that. Bc esp when spirals and bad days and weeks and sometimes months happen, I can remind myself that I am getting better slowly instead of just thinking everything is the same. Bc it can b hard to think I’m getting better when I still go thru intense emotional waves.

I just need to continue to push forward and slow down at the same time :)

[0-everythingelse-0]

I am slow. Since I am a kid it takes me time; I used to sit and look at the ants for hours while my grandpa collected coffee beans. What is going on? I ask myself constantly; the coffee island, as you called it, is a time machine; today I turned 10. I was in the coffee field all day, looking at three humans collecting beans, not only contemplating them but also collecting; images. It was a 10-year-old me, looking through a camera, at three ants working. I fell, I rolled, I ate an orange or two, I laughed, I run, I was sad. I am slow, it takes me time—this is sad. I wanted to turn and see my grand pa and say that I am sorry, that I Iove him and that I admire him, that I am slow, that it took me 43 years to realize something that is impossible to express with words, even less with words that are not mine, because either English or Spanish were not his nor my languages. I was ten but he was not there, and I wanted him to be, for me, for my sister for my mom, for all of us. I am alive and I am afraid and I am not afraid of saying it. This is sad because I was 10 and had to think about his death again, about his heart growing and he dying. I am alive, and this makes me happy; I don’t want to be afraid of being happy. Tomorrow I will be 10 again and I will be in the coffee field again, I will probably feel sad again, but will be happy too, with the smells, the sounds, the colours, and the textures that have always being the essence of life. Tomorrow the moon will be there as well, and the sun will be there too, but they will not encounter each other, they will not touch, maybe not in this life time.

October, 2023

[casspurrjoybell-22]

Master - Chapter 36a

*Warning Adult Content*

- Kalem -

I try to keep my legs from kicking out from me underneath the big, long table but it was hard to keep them still when I was so excited.

All that excitement had to come out somehow. 

I was never good at keeping my happy feelings inside, I was too small to and right now, I was super happy because we were having our first dinner with our clan. 

Clan. Every time I used the special word I wanted to scream. 

Master said a clan was like a family, full of people we could rely on and trust.

He said we had to work to build those 'strong bonds' but once we did, they'd be our family.

So even though it would take some time, I was just excited that we had a family now and that it was full of so many nice people.

"You're going to fall out of your chair if you keep that up love," Master says into my ear making me jump in surprise.

I turn to face him with warming cheeks.

"No," I deny, which was a lie but Master didn't need to know that. "I'll fall out if you sneak up on me again," I say as I grip both sides of my chair for protection against Master's super sneaky attacks.

Master chuckles, his smile making my heart beat extra fast as he looks down at me.

My heart always had to work harder to keep me alive when Master was close but when he gave me those special smiles just for me, it really had a hard time.

Sometimes Lincoln looked at me in ways that made me squirm all over, it was like my body couldn't take all his good love and all I wanted to do was climb into his lap and stay there forever.

If we weren't in the big dining room with all the other important vampires, I would've done it but I didn't think now was the right time to get too touchy with Master.

Since everyone had arrived earlier today, I'd been helping as much as I could to make sure that they all felt comfortable and happy with us.

Time had passed so quickly when I was meeting so many nice vampires and now it was somehow dinner time.

It was the first meal we were having altogether in the big, fancy room I sometimes cleaned in secret.

Master said it was the first of many meals we'd share because it was important to spend time with everyone and build 'strong ties'.

I didn't know what that last bit meant but I understood that eating together meant I could make friends, which was perfect because I wanted to be friends with everyone.

I'd made sure to say hi to every single vampire that came into the castle so that they knew that we wanted them to be here.

I didn't want a single one of them to feel left out.

It could be scary going to a new place, I knew I was really scared when Master first saved me and I didn't want them to feel like I did then.

It had all gone really well since everyone was friendly and sweet so far.

They said hi back and some of them were just as bouncy as I was to see all they could of the castle.

I promised to give a tour to anyone who wanted it and when so many told me they did, it was super hard to stop myself from popping with my joy.

But I couldn't pop.

Arias said that it was important that nobody knew that I was an Elf or that I was a Nyphilim, even our new clanmates couldn't know.

So I had to make sure I didn't pop around until I learned how to control everything better.

That was okay though because I had my first training session with Arias tomorrow morning and the faster I learned to control my Elven side, then the happier everyone would be.

They all worried and that made me sad sometimes, I felt guilty to make Master and Arias worry.

I'd be good and get super strong so they'd never have to worry about me too much... a little worry was okay though.

"Master," I call once I double-check my plate to make sure I ate everything. "I'm done, can I go make friends?"

This time only a few people look at me before they look away.

When I'd called Lincoln 'Master' for the first time in front of everyone they'd all stopped what they were doing and stared at me and then at Master.

I'd stopped too, thinking something bad was happening before I realised that I was the bad.

But I wasn't really, they thought that something was wrong because slaves had to call their evil owners Masters, so they thought something bad was going on.

They all started shifting into a different stance that didn't look so nice and the lady who was in charge was asking Master 'why he had a slave' in an aggressive voice.

Master had tried to explain,but I knew that they wouldn't believe anything he said so I stepped in front of him to face them instead.

Master always looked after me but in this, I wanted to look after him. 

'I'm not a slave,' I said as I tried to keep my hands from shaking too much. "My name is Kalem. My favourite colour is y-yellow and my favourite flower is a sunflower. I like bows and I like waking my Master up with a kiss. I have my own room full of all the things I like and I can do whatever I want with it. And I have a bed, my own bed. Slaves don't get to have those things and they can't have names but I do. I'm Kalem, I am not a slave.'

Everyone had just stared at me like I'd split into two Kalems so I didn't think they understood what I was trying to say. 

It took a few tries before they seemed to get it.

It helped even more when I told them about how Lincoln saved me, I made them all understand that I was not a slave, just a Kalem with my own Master that nobody else could have.

I didn't like it when people were mean but I would be very, very mean if anyone ever tried to separate me and my Lincoln.

Master looks over my plate with a little sigh before he nods his head reluctantly.

I smile widely as I push my chair back and stand up, I lean down to give him a kiss on his cheek before I head off.

We were eating at the head table with the oldest clan members and Arias and his Malcolm but I wanted to eat with the other people since the big ones spoke with words I didn't understand.

Master said I could leave once I finished eating my food, so I'd finished it all even faster than usual.

All the friends I'd ever made I'd done slowly.

Like Arias was my first friend and we became best friends because he tried so hard to speak to me even when I was too scared to reply.

Arias' Malcolm was my friend too, I knew so because he called me Kay sometimes and only really close people got nicknames.

And even Mr. Wen was becoming my friend, in a way that Master said was naughty but I liked him more and more.

So I did have friends but I'd never had to make friends all on my own like this.

I was only a little nervous about meeting new people but I'd already said hi to them all and no one had seemed to not like me or my eyes, so that made it easier. 

Stepping down from the platform, I look around at the busy room before I make my way through one of the aisles, searching for a free seat somewhere.

It seemed like the further from the head table I went, the louder those there seemed to be.

They were laughing and pushing each other with an ease that seemed to come from being friends for a long time.

I was too scared to go by the ones that were too loud, so I turned to another aisle and tried another row.

Glancing over my shoulder, I find Master's eyes on me even as he replied to something someone said to him.

I smile at him, grateful that he was still looking after me even from here. 

"Hey," a pretty boy with deep brown eyes says as he waves over to me with a smile. "Looking for somewhere to sit?"

I turn around to make sure he was speaking to me.

When I see nobody else behind me, I nod my head and go over to him.

Everyone around him turned to look at me before they shifted over to make a bit of room for me.

I felt my cheeks heat as I thank them and slip into the space with a nervous smile.

Making new friends was so exciting but also so scary.

They were in the middle of one of the eighty super long tables that made up the eating room, I'd counted when I was cleaning.

All the tables weren't full but Master said as the clan got bigger, they would be. 

"I'm Gazium," the boy who'd invited me over says with a smile almost as pretty as he was.

"I'm Kalem," I reply before I look around. "What are your names?"

"Raven," the girl next to him says with a wink.

She had skin like Arias' Malcolm and eyes like me so she was really unique looking but in a nice way.

"Ophelia," another girl says with a wave, she was a little further down but I couldn't miss her with the bright red hair she had.

The little dots all over her face matched them and looked even better with her green eyes.

I'd met a lot of other beings in the slave house but I'd never gotten to talk to them like this and we were never allowed to have names so I loved all these even more.

I never knew names could sound so beautiful but I knew I'd enjoy saying them all from no onwards.

There was one more boy next to Raven but when I saw his face, I had to look back at Gazium to make sure he hadn't moved but he hadn't, they just looked the exact same.

"You're two," I say as I continue shifting my head from side to side to make sure I wasn't missing him move. 

Vampires were fast and maybe I was just missing it because of that.

"Twins," the second Gazium says with a chuckle.

This Gazium wasn't as pretty as the first one, his face was harder where the first Gazium's was soft and full.

This Gazium had sharper features and had more muscles on his body but they had the same black hair and black eyes.

"What's your name?" I ask him instead of asking what twins were.

If I did then they'd know I didn't know what twins were because I was in the slave house for so long.

I didn't want sad times in this happy one, so I kept my questions locked away for later knowing Master would answer them.

"Sin," he replies with a grin that told me he loved that name a lot.

I loved my name a lot too so I understood his joy.

"It's nice to meet you all," I say just how I'd practised in front of the bathroom mirror.

I give myself a mental cheer but keep my smile from getting too big as I shift in my place.

"It's nice to meet you too Kalem," Gazium says. "I'm happy we got you before someone else did."

'I was popular?'

Popular meant that I was liked by many people and if people wanted to speak to me then that meant that I was popular and if I was that then... t-then....

'Ahhh...'

[loveandchibis]

Ive been trying to not eat so much and stop drinking so much. So I'm going to start looking my food here.

Instant noodles - 371

Cordon Bleu - 300

Route 44 Red Bull Slush - 540

Total so far: 1200+

Already too much considering it's only 2:09 pm.

I feel as if I've already messed up so I might as well get the burger king. My meal would be another 1000+ calories.

Fast food being cheap is definitely true. I have tons of coupons but the coupons mean I have to get the large

Mozzarella Sticks - 330 calories

Large Fries - 440

Chicken Fries - 260 calories

All for $6.

Churches chicken has a coupon, 3 piece and a side for 3.99. And to be honest, I'm not doing well mentally which may explain the drinking. I genuinely do not have the capacity to cook or use my kitchen. The cooking is great but the clean up?

Im gonna get it but I've got to go back to intermittent fasting. I used to do it and it worked for me. I stopped because it would lead to a binge. That's how this whole problem started. But at the very least, id stay under 1,300 calories. But now that I'm not fasting, I find myself just binging each meal.

And low calorie foods are kinda gross. Id rather starve and eat something tasty then eat low calorie all day. And I know that's wrong. My problem is that I don't have the strength to change. It doesn't matter what I do, my only option is to binge. So I feel like I'm not dieting, I'm just resisting my binge.

Not to mention the alcohol. So for the past 7 weeks, I have been fasting. Then I'd drink and bc I haven't eaten, it doesn't take much to get me there. And I'd eat a bunch of food and it'll feel great. The feeling of starving and then gorging is better than gorging itself. I'm not doing well, but instead of contemplating no longer being alive...I'm on cloud nine. So I do genuinly believe that this saved my life. But I'm aware of how much its hiring ik the long run.

So ngl, I do want burger king bad. But if I go get fast food, there's a strong chance I'm gonna stop and get some gin. Up until a few days, I'd drink 4 shots, then put the Gin in my washing machine. My machine is actually in the basement so it's pretty difficult to get. And that would prevent me from getting completely wasted.

So I haven't drank for about 3 days now. But I've definitely been eating. And I want to drink and binge again. The more days that pass, the more I want to do it again. I had my first real hangover and it felt like I was dying. That alone has made me pretty okay with not drinking anymore. I do want to drink but I think I'm okay with resisting

And I messed up by getting a 550 calorie red bull slush instead of a reasonable black coffee.

So despite only having eaten 3 things today, im over 1200 calories already. I'm starving because it didn't have the volume but the sheer feeling of hunger makes me want to binge which makes me want to drink. And I could eat some low calorie snacks. But whats gonna happen is that I'll eat all the low calorie snacks...and still get the burger king anyway.

And right now, I'm thinking...I can just do better tomorrow. But I said that yesterday and the day before and the day before...

Even nowm... I know I said "I'll do better yesterday," Now I don't even remember what I ate yesterday. So now I'm going to write it down. I'm probably not going to do well. But at least I'll have a better visual

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3137

today was another long day but it was nice. i got my reports filed and i worked with students and i ate my lunch. joel asked me when i'll be alive again, which is his way of asking when he'll see me again and when i'll be around again. i have another week or two or three left with the sling on, but i have my first physical therapy appointment tomorrow, so i'm excited. who knew i'd ever be excited to go to PT.

tomorrow's a long day too; i'm working late again and while i'm not terribly excited, it gets me closer to the hours i want/need for the week.

even if i do need to take an uber to get anywhere. maybe i'll check out the mta instead.

anyway. i'm tired. sheesh.

[timeoverload]

I can't say that today was any better than yesterday but at least I didn't cry. I'm sorry for freaking out last night. I hope you aren't mad at me. Honestly, I am having a hard time managing my emotions. I don't like being pessimistic like that. I don't want to be mean or ungrateful. I am just at the end of my rope and I have never felt so defeated. I want to believe something will change but it's so hard at this point.

I didn't get off work until 6:30 and my body is very angry at me. I was going to email the director this morning but I didn't have time. I mentioned to the morning team lead that I was considering cutting my hours and he got upset. He didn't ask me why I wanted to do that and immediately started getting stressed out and frustrated because someone would have to cover the time that I'm not there. It made me feel like shit and I would feel guilty if I did do that. I don't want anyone to get mad at me. I don't want to create more work for anyone else. I don't feel right abandoning my post. I just have to try to deal with it because there's nothing I can do. I have to keep going until I can't get up anymore. I dug my grave so I might as well lay in it.

I'm also worried that something bad is going to happen and I need to have enough money in case I have an emergency. I'm afraid that I am going to have to go to the emergency room at some point. I have been experiencing early signs of cauda equina syndrome for a while. It might be TMI but there is a lot of pressure on my bladder constantly. It is embarrassing. I really wish I had something to relieve the pain that I'm experiencing. It keeps getting worse every day. Ibuprofen and tylenol don't help very much. I can't sleep normally. I had to sleep sitting up last night and it was very uncomfortable. I have to prop myself up with pillows while I sleep to reduce the pressure on my spinal cord. I wish I had a big recliner to sleep in.

I have to accept that I'm probably going to have permanent nerve damage for the rest of my life. I will never be the same. I will never get to do the things I wanted to do. I want a wheelchair so damn bad. I just want to be comfortable.

I don't think I'm going to be able to stand long enough to make myself dinner tonight. I haven't really been eating dinner lately. I just keep snacks on my bed next to me so I don't starve. I'm glad I actually ate breakfast and lunch today. I think it's a miracle that I'm even alive right now considering how poorly I have been eating. I wanted to take a shower tonight but I don't think I could stand long enough to do that either. My dad also has his girlfriend over so I wouldn't be able to go in there anyway and the only shower we have is in his room. It would be nice if I could use my bathtub but no one has used it in years and I don't have the energy to clean it out but maybe I will this weekend if I feel good enough.

I need to try not to think about any more bad things the rest of the night. I have to try to relax while I can.

I also just wanted you to know that I voted for you every day last year for an award. I hope you get one again this year.

I need to make myself get up and feed the cats and get ready for bed. My goal is to go to sleep before 10pm. I'm trying really hard to be optimistic that tomorrow will be a better day. I am tired and I don't have much else to say.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow. 💖💖💖

[mmurray]

ooc. helloooooooo everyone !! my name is alex: i’m white, use she/her pronouns, and wish there were words enough for how excited i am to be here !! the worst best things about me are long & nonsensical rambles, passionate declarations of love, and a deep desire to sprinkle about a bit of angst at any and all (appropriate) opportunities. i’ve posted a character intro here and will be messaging everyone to plot very shortly !!