#also my theme is under construction but coming i promise
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larkingame · 2 months ago
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so, it's 2025...long time no see.
I'll skip they hi, how are yous and get down to the real meat and potatoes of what I'm here to say. TLDR: Larkin is still being worked on (screenshots + such below) and it's always going to remain a free game, but it's under heavy construction atm. thanks for checking in 🫡
for the two people who want to hear the long sob story that usually comes with these type of posts from online creators: I fucked up my back majorly and was out of work for a long time. I went back to work pre-maturely and! I've fucked it up again. the stress of this, lack of income and the fact that i've been taking a lot of meds to help the injuries (but mess with my ability to stay coherent) has made it really difficult to consistently focus on larkin, writing, social media in general, but it is still getting worked on in bits and pieces.
that said, some back story: I started working on larkin in 2019/2020 and it was really really fun! loved it. had a great time. but then i started posting about it and showed it to other people (and to my surprise they??????? liked it????) which made me put a very large amount of pressure on myself that made it not so fun any more. over time i would go through cycles of it's fun! to it's not fun! and so on and so forth. throughout this time I also had pressure from a lot of people around me (irl) to somehow like. strictly monetize larkin somehow, and as someone who was like VERY INSECURE and obsessed with people like mishka making like insane funds off of her game of the same type?/genre? i gave in to that pressure (if you could not tell by all my occasional dirty deletes of shade towards twc. truly pathetic and if any of yall saw. apologies and thanks for ignoring it.) addressing that: i liked twc when it came out, it was fun for what it was and larkin would not exist without it. so thanks for that miss jenkins and i will probably still passively engage with it on my own time.
but, back to larkin. anyways, the looming pressure of this need to monetize made me hate everything that i was doing and constantly feel like i needed to re-evolve and rework and just, overall not have a fun time with it. throughout the months of november, december and january when i was really missing the days of larkin's existence as an idea when me and my sister would just like walk around our neighborhood and i would just infodump to her about my cowboy vampire ocs. so i found my old larkin notebook and the stickies i made planning plot stuff and avoiding tumblr i just. had fun working on my little cowboy vampire game. like not really thinking about other stuff. and that's essentially it.
so I came to a conclusion: larkin is something i love, and i want to continue loving it. so essentially, i won't be monetizing the game itself. episodes/chapters whatever they end up being in the end will always be free. yay. if you want extra content/want to support me in some way monetarily, feel free to join the patreon, however, I won't really be active on it until i have something substantial to show you game wise. that being said, you can still subscribe for access to the backlog of short stories and art etc. I'm turning off charges each month until i have like a real game for you to play that doesn't make me sick to my stomach to look at or think about. another note: pc players are going to be priority until it's finished. I will have a mobile version but i can't promise you she will be all that pretty.
another note, because larkin is free i can't promise quick turnarounds on anything but what i'll be offering on patreon when i start charging again and additionally: i'm back to making larkin a game for me. i really lost a lot of enjoyment for doing this stuff when i thought about that pressure i put on myself like i mentioned above but also, when i started writing it for other people in mind. first and foremost i am making larkin because i like cowboys, i like vampires, i like horror and religious trauma themes. i'm writing this for me: kc, so i can go on my computer and teehee at all the kissing scenes and make a cool cowboy character with fights. i'm going to make it gay and self-indulgent and basically just have fun with it because it's my game and i am making it and i said so.
all that said here are some of the major things i've done with larkin over this past little while:
updated the website so that it is now useable :)
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done a lot of work on the ui:
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and i have been rewriting a lot of stuff because I FEEL like it was not good and was not fun for me. THE DEMO FROM LAST JUNE ESPECIALLY. it hurts my stomach to look at.
visually, dan (@tapeworrmart ) has been on his fucking a-game with the art even through my crisis. here's the male ace portrait he put together for me last fall and the art for the main menu:
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we also have some more art in the works that i am very excited for because they are in pursuit of new fun features :D
all that said. thanks for the continued support if you're still reading this, appreciate any interest you have in my game.
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skybristle · 1 year ago
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FINALLY I HAVE ALL OF THESE CUNTS NAMED. i made a like 10 iterator local group [Echoing Strife] with dear mutual @arti-cat !!!!!!! its crazy !! most of them were born like yesteday so no designs but im gonna dump about them. the whole theme of their group is they're based on the echoes /their monolouges. also some ancients that are important [more info under cut]. rb and comment on my ramblings boy
Metropolis: Clawing at the 'Clouds' [senior] [he/him] Sky Islands: A Second of 'Silence' [they/them] Wall/Silent Construct: Relentless Earthly Cacophony ['Rec'] [any/all] Chimney Canopy: Three Binding 'Feathers' [he/she/aer] Shoreline: A Precipice of a 'Promise' [she/it] Shaded Citadel: Seeing Past 'Ichor' [he/him] Subterranean: Solitude of Uncovered 'Omens' [they/it] Undergrowth: [Undisclosed] 'Vex'ing Desires [he/ve] Farm Arrays: Joyful Envision of Tranquility ['Jet'] [he/him] Bitter Aerie: From the 'Depths' to the Heavens [they/any] + Ancients: A Thousand Flakes of 'Dust', One Resolute Cause [she/her] Tangled 'Kestrel', Clawing Desperately [they/she] Cacophony's Caw, 'Crows' Descend [he/him] [child] 'Cardinal' Descending from Afar [he/him] [child] 'Wrens' Hopping, Blissful Eve [she/her] [BABY]
clouds: no talk him he angy. once again one of my seniors sucks at their fucking job. theres a fire in his heart filled with cancers and poppy tarts /ref hes gonna fuck everything up as soon as shit goes wrong. he gets therapy from a cat though. go shitty lesbians go. sometimes reffered to as claw demeaningly
silence: Old Man /silly . they are the mediator and are very concerned with their younger iterators. ends up really fucking things up with the constant fighting between vex and omens [ill get to that] and vex maybe explodes them [silence has a very weak structure to begin with]. oh also silence can overhear echos. hehehehe
rec: haha dumb IDIOT gave himself the rot!!!! she kind of did it when she was young and dumb and has come to really regret it, but chooses to use the remaining time he has building a better life for the creatures around him rather than concern himself with his infection and past mistakes, much to the dismay of its fellow iterators
feathers: silly little guy!!! had a crush on one of aer techs [kestrel] and grew very close to them. maybe cried like a little bitch when she managed to sneak her kids [crow & cardinal [wren probably wasnt born yet]] down there when she couldnt find someone to babysit. imagine having an iterator be ur nini to help you with your homework . its really silly to me. Sure Hope Mass Ascension Doesn't Ruin Everything! [feathers bioengineers scugs like them to Cope. it does not help]
promise: just kind of bitter and angry. it did so much work for its city, gave up everything, all for nothing at all. just for her to be abandoned in the chase for ascension. accidentally pingpongs vex's beliefs REALLY TERRIBLY while shes just kind of awkward about it because she doesnt like omens on principle but doesnt side with vir either
ichor: funny little guy . loved by his citizens. Knew about the mass ascension before it happened but didnt tell anyone so everyone [especially feathers] is really really fucking pissed at him. oops king.
omens: def the most devoted to ascension and the problem, while also studying past civilizations and Grand Cycles. viewed mass ascension as a good thing and is happy their creators moved on. watches vex spiral in Real Time and is kind of freaked out. theyre somewhat conjoined [not as much as moon&pebbs but they share a lot of systems particularly their comms arrays] which led to lots of fighting between them Constantly only driving them deeper into hatred and resentment. theres only a certain point when omens actually becomes Scared of him, however....
vex: ohhh you mentally ill little boy. fairly normal until Dust [the leader of a very violent and large anti-ascension movement] corrupted him as his mentor. uh. ve likes to believe it was beneficial and 'enlightened' vir but really it just turned him into an angry person, especially when mass ascension happened and dust got ascended which only cemented his beliefs. fights a fuckton with omens and believes in the holiness of the cycle. very unbecoming of an iterator. sure hope he doesnt do anything terrible!
jet: built at sea, collapsed due to a great flood/tsunami before mass ascension. believed to be dead and very distant from the group, they were a source of a lot of drama. hes actually alive though! he was built with Some waterproof measures in mind so hes functioning to an extent down there. in yuri we trust [with depths]
depths: originally built as spectacle + as a lighthouse to work alongside jet, but jet collapsed before they were completeted. oops. feels very hollow and purposeless, until a messenger from the sea shows up with a pearl . otherwise depths is very distant from the group [mainly distance and poor comms] and also when trying to learn about jets clouds found it insensitive with the wound being 'too fresh' and kind of exploded on them. woops.
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spiritedawake · 1 year ago
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saro’s multimuse, ft. muses from one piece, fairy tail, howl's moving castle & more! — in progress/under construction. other blogs: @enruiinas (trafalgar law from one piece) & @scribbleswithsaro (meme blog) icon credit: @crimsonicons (kaya) UPDATE [May 8th]: all my muses are currently "test muses" (listed below) and will work their way up to secondary and then primary IF or AS i find my voice for them. i haven't officially started writing here yet, but you're welcome to go ahead & send or request memes for any of them. i hope to start replying to things when i get back from vacation on 5/18!
RULES & MUSES BELOW:
GENERAL RULES:
All of your standard RP etiquette things apply. No godmodding, don’t be a jerk, no forced shipping, etc. These are the things I think of as common sense and don’t currently feel the need to elaborate further, but I’m sure I’ll be proven wrong and need to update this eventually.
This blog is low activity, mutuals only, and highly selective. Mun works full time and is also in school, so time for replies is limited and I tend to  follow my sporadic muse wherever it goes when present. I am (regrettably) NOT a good match if you’re looking for fast replies, replies “in order” of things received, or if hyperfocusing / a preference for affiliate interactions will upset you. (These are the people I chat with the most OOC. When my time and muse is limited, they are often the interactions I focus on because these are the muns  I’m most comfortable writing with & replies tend to come a little easier. It is not personal. )
The mun of this blog is 25+. Smut and many dark or triggering themes will be present on this blog (hence the minors DNI). I try to tag everything appropriately and all smut will be hidden beneath a NSFW banner + a read more, but if you need me to tag something specifically, please don't hesitate to let me know!
DNI: minors, transphobes, racists, proshippers, homophobes, writers of incest or non-con material.
IC & OOC INTERACTIONS:
IC interactions are for MUTUALS ONLY. If we are not actively following each other, please do not send memes, interact with my open starters, etc.
If we are mutuals, feel free to interact with open starters, send memes or unprompted starters whenever you like (the sky is the limit, I love and prefer having multiple things going on at one time!), crawl into my IMs to chat about our characters, plotting, pick my brains' muse for potential interaction things, etc! Mutuals may also add me on Discord (@ misfitsandmusings): just send me an IM to let me know who the request is coming from so I know to accept it!
I LOVE talking to my mutuals ooc as well as in character! Please don't be shy if you want to talk outside of RP. I've found interactions come far easier with those muns I chat ooc with the most so I promise it's not going to bother me!
SHIPPING:
This blog is multiship, and open to duplicate shipping.
Shipping is selective and requires a good mun connection (including ooc interactions) as well as muse chemistry. All ships MUST be discussed and agreed upon by both parties beforehand. Even if you write a muse I'm known to ship one of mine with with, please DO NOT assume I'll automatically regard our muses as being in a ship. (Likewise, I won’t do this to you, either.)
I will occasionally tag memes I reblog as "active ships only". This means we've talked about and agreed to explore a ship ooc. I am more than happy to timeskip/bounce around on a timeline, so if I consider you an active ship you can send those even if the relationship hasn't unfolded in our interactions yet. If we're still figuring things out, I might sit on those memes for a while until I feel them/have a better grasp of how they fit into our muses' dynamic.
Ship Biases & Intrigue: Coming soon.
Ship WILL NOTs: Coming soon.
OTHER MISC. NOTES:
Blog Roll: @enruiinas, primary blog ft. trafalgar law from one piece / @scribbleswithsaro (meme & writing prompts account!), @linguisticdinosaur (where i hoard fanart from my favorite fandoms. if you want me to send you visages i find for your muse hmu because i love that, lol)
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MUSE LIST. 【all muses start out as "testing" & will work their way up if/as I find a voice for them】
PRIMARY:
SECONDARY:
TESTING • FAIRY TAIL: Cana Alberona, Gray Fullbuster, Loke, Levy McGarden, Mirajane Strauss, Wendy Marvell, Meredy, Laxus Dreyar... honestly, there are very few muses I wouldn't consider trying my hand at from Fairy Tail so if you've got one you want to write off of, let me know and I can possibly be persuaded. -eyes emoji- • ONE PIECE: Baby 5, Kaya • HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE: Sophie Hatter.
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FANDOM PROGRESS.
ONE PIECE (Manga - Reread) - ch. 339/1104 (30% ish)
FAIRY TAIL (Manga - First Read) - ch. 432/ 545 (79%)
POKEMON ADVENTURES (Manga - First Read) - ch. 21/???
POKEMON ORIGINS (First Watch) - episode 4/4 -- COMPLETE 2/28/2024.
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theoldaeroplane · 2 years ago
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I'm still thinking about this drawing so I thought I would talk a little about it. Gory personal details under the cut!
I didn't have a plan for this thing. I just started drawing. Few construction lines, a vague composition idea that changed like six times. After I drew the dog I knew I wanted the beast behind her; despite the way it looks the beast is not actually the source of the words visible in the red area, but is merely holding them. Now they escape.
There are probably two dozen or so things written behind the larger words. Every single one of them is something my parents either said to me verbatim, or a recurring theme of ways they spoke to me as I was growing up. They are hidden and hard to see on purpose.
My parents were also very open about loving me, and I believe that they did. You can love something and still be incredibly damaging to it. But I didn't know that, as a child. My parents loved me and got me things I wanted and took care of me, and made sure I knew that even things I didn't like were for my benefit. Things like doctor visits. Things like a tiny, conservative private school. Things like screaming at me for presenting incorrectly, because they were just so afraid of me being mistaken for a queer.
They never said queer, obviously. My parents could barely stomach talking about queer people, so they didn't, except in a vague, "they're lost and I hope they get the help they need" sort of way.
My parents loved me, I knew they loved me, they only ever wanted what was best for me. They said! They wouldn't say that if it were otherwise!
They never added that their love was conditional. I think they didn't know it was, themselves. I'm sure they still think it's not, because to say anything else would be monstrous.
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I drew these in the spring of 2015, shortly after I cut my hair the way I wanted it for the first time. I was 24, and it was a pretty severe undercut with a short top. I was so excited.
My mother screamed at me for coming home looking like a butch. She didn't speak to me for a week. My dad told me to apologize to her. I decided to move out.
---
The dog in this picture is covered in strings, connected to the envelope it dares not touch. After I was forced to come out as queer to my parents, after they promised they were not going to throw the Bible at me. Then my dad called me at nine in the morning on a workweek day to demand I explain how I could be transgender and a Christian. For the first time in my life, I stood up to one of my parents. I was furious. How dare he? How dare he ambush me like that, how dare he break their promise they they were not going to pummel me with religion?
I told him exactly how hurt I was and hung up. I wrote them a letter outlining that I was no longer willing to speak to them either about my gender or my religious beliefs. I told them I loved them.
They stopped responding to my texts. They stopped calling. They stopped emailing. I tried, desperately, to have any kind of normal contact with them. They never answered.
For a few years, that's how it was. The only, and I mean only, contact I received from them were cards on Christmas and my birthday. They would be Christian cards. They would have large checks in them. They would have the briefest imaginable messages. "Love you," my dad wrote in one. "Me too," my mom wrote underneath. Nothing else. Like that by itself was already too much effort to admit to. I started calling these cards "weregilds"---money used to pay a family after killing one of its members, and I presented that as a joke to my friends. I had to either laugh about it or cry. The money had been nice. I would have rather had parents who loved me.
Eventually I had enough. I was making enough money that I didn't need their reluctant, guilty checks. I received a bright blue envelope from them for my birthday, and I found a thick micron pen, and I wrote REFUSED on the front. I put it back in the mail unopened.
I never received another envelope again.
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I struggle to understand when my friends talk about their childhoods. About doing things with few or no repercussions that would have gotten me screamed at for hours and punished for weeks. About having hobbies in common with their parents. I struggle not to be resentful, but that joke from Letterkenny always leaps to my mind: Must be fuckin' nice!! Holidays are miserable for me; I haven't really spent Christmas with anyone in what seems like a long time. A few of my friends, sympathetic, have invited me to theirs, and sometimes I've gone, but I've always felt like I'm intruding. I only know one or two people. I have dietary needs that have to be specially considered. I feel like a charity case, or a burden (funnily enough, just like I felt at home). No one else I know, as far as I'm aware, struggles with this. Even my friends with their own shitty parents usually have at least one good one, or at least one that's not so bad they had to go no-contact. Or they have siblings they're in touch with. I have two brothers and a sister. One of my brothers is the obedient, conservative theology student my parents wanted; the other is a rapist. I speak with my sister now and then, because we're on the same page about our parents, but we are ten years apart and we're just not that close.
I could fill a book with these things.
This year has been a lonely one for me. I've been struggling to find a job for about two years ago, and the ones I have found have proven to be bad fits for one reason or another. My finances and credit are in ruins. My car is physically peeling apart. At the age of 32 I was finally diagnosed with ADHD, and I realized I'm autistic. Both of these are things that have led to me understanding myself better, but have also resulted in a lot of confusion and frustration as I suddenly lost many of my masking abilities and my fear- and shame-based coping mechanisms. Many of my close friends have been going through their own struggles or life events, and we haven't really been able to be present for them for each other, I think. I feel guilty for telling them about my struggles, because it feels like I only ever have bad news to share. Sometimes it feels like I don't know who I am anymore. I started writing a story about it, about my isolation and frustration and disconnect. About how badly I want everything to go back to how it was, even knowing that's impossible. (It's a fanfiction. You know how I roll.) The story helps, a little. It's a powerful distraction, and it makes me happy when people connect to it. That story is going to have a happy ending, because even if I don't know that mine will, I can ensure it for my characters.
But I'm still lonely most of the time. I don't even know if that handful people I love will be on this site to see this, or have the energy read it.
I consider myself an orphan these days. It's the only thing I can really do to stave off the constant pain, the constant reminder that I have been abandoned. One day at work recently I was struck with the screaming thought of my mother doesn't love me and I had to go have a complete sobbing breakdown in the bathroom. My boss, who is a kind man and wonderful dad, offered to let me go home. I said no. I needed the money too badly.
---
Last week I posted a story I was really proud of. It was an erotica piece, with a heavy focus on the emotional side of the physical intimacy, and had a canon character I've been interpreting as transmasculine, like me. It was long and involved and really well written, and I was so excited to share it. When I finally got my first comment on it it was transphobic, telling me to tag my shit so people could filter it out. I had already been losing my mind with my life problems that weekend. That story had been one of the only things keeping my mood above water.
I snapped a little bit. A lot of feelings I had been avoiding came crashing down. I'm only realizing this now, but it made me feel exactly the same way I would often feel when I tried to show my mother something I'd made that wasn't just a bird or a landscape, something that was part of my truth, something I'd worked hard on and was proud of and was so excited to share.
I wish you'd draw something nicer, she would always say, trying not to look disappointed (but not very hard). I wish you would draw more birds.
Eventually I got up from crying into my pillow, and I started drawing. I made this, and then I cut my hair back into its undercut, which is how I've styled my hair for almost ten years now. I took a shower, and I felt better. For the moment.
The days are still a struggle for me. I'm tired from my part time job dealing with the public, and I rarely want to see anyone after work because of it. The people I do want to see are often gone or otherwise not available. It's not their fault we aren't lining up. I do my best not to be upset about it. I'm trying to find job that will support me without killing me, but I get ghost after ghost after ghost. Even the recruiter my neurodivergent friends enthusiastically referred me to ("he got me a job in two days!") was recently promoted and seems determined not to get back to me. It feels like I'm throwing myself against brick walls, between the job hunt and trying to consistently connect with people and doing my best to survive all by myself, and I'm running out of unbroken bones.
But I'm still alive, so I have to keep going forward. I tell myself something has to change eventually. I tell myself I'm not being punished by God for leaving Christianity. I can't do anything else, and I have to believe I'll get a break eventually.
Until then, at least I have my art.
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"Strings Attached"
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For whatever reason this weekend was very hard, not for any one reason, but a lot of small ones stacking up. I cut my hair about it and indulged in some good old fashioned deviantart circa 2007-style vent art. Lots of personal imagery in this one. I feel a lot better.
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diphthongsfordays · 3 years ago
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WIP Intro - Niv and the Neverwhere
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[Image ID: a red banner streaked with lightning, and the words "Niv and the Neverwhere" in glowing red letters across the bottom. End ID.]
Please pardon my dust! This introduction is under construction due to a plotter attempting to discovery write!
Title: Niv and the Neverwhere Genre: NA Portal Fantasy Themes: Family and duty, promises kept and broken, caution and curiosity, other worlds, exploration and excitement, love and loyalty
Setting: Below a tiny village at the edge of the ocean lies a secret cave, hewn into the rocks by strangers long forgotten. And in that cave, a glassy red stone floats above the tides, shadows moving in its depths. A crack in reality, a split between existence, where the Neverwhere leaks into the world.
Story: A young woman with a strange secret jumps between worlds to protect her home.
The Characters:
Nivya “Niv” Nizani - Niv promised to protect a secret, and she is prepared to lose almost everything to keep her word. It wouldn’t be her problem, but she’s the one who was reckless enough to climb around on the cliffs and discover the weird red rock, so here she is.
Nezzit “Nez” Nizani - Niv’s brother, who will teach her the scientific method if he has to drag her through it kicking and screaming. Also maybe if he wasn’t equal parts brillaint and stupid his sister wouldn’t have literally thrown him into a new world.
Enzo of Eranthus - middle-aged gentleman who gave up on being the grumpy old man a while ago, but isn't quite ready to admit he's happy to be here.
Sym of Eranthus - the walking definition of “that’s so cool!” *gets glared at. “I mean, horrible!” She came out to do awesome stuff and is honestly having such a good time right now.
Are there more characters? Yes! Do I know anything about them yet? No!
Plot and Kettle: A young woman hiding a secret she doesn’t understand “accidentally” kills one of the most important people in the world, discovers she can jump between worlds with a weird magic stone, and completely upsets the political landscape of her entire continent. The three great kingdoms, with their three great crowns and their thrice-cursed curiosity, are coming. Even the deepest secrets can’t hide in shadowed stones forever, and Niv was never meant to stop them. The Schism of Salt waits, and the Neverwhere will not be contained.
Stuff That Is Nifty:
The Neverwhere is a magical dimension brimming with power, where pockets of existence are separated by the Void Sea, an untraversable expanse of void and raw magic. The planetary world formed as the Neverwhere leaked into this reality through cracks, called schisms. Earth became the way for creatures to move between pockets of existence in the Neverwhere, and eventually humans as well.
Magic on earth is all drawn from the power that leaks from the Neverwhere through schisms. It is strongest near a schism, making them points of power and importance. The farther from a schism you get, the harder it is to do magic.
Status Check: First draft in progress (as my July Camp NaNo project!) I am discovery writing this and editing as I go - the exact opposite of everything in my usual process - so we’ll see how this goes, lol
Note - I have snagged the wip intro template from @sleepyowlwrites, because she already did the work to make a good one!
Tag list: @thelaughingstag, @enchanted-lightning-aes, @sleepyowlwrites, @akindofmagictoo, @yumiraaa, @tryingtimi
Ask to be added/removed :-)
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jungshookz · 4 years ago
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🧦 stocking stuffers: yoongi’s being annoying as per usual
stocking stuffers are basically the holiday equivalent of teeny tidbits :D i just wanted to give you guys a little something to tide you over while you’re waiting for the second drabble! also yes that is a sock emoji there was no stocking emoji sUE ME 
this started off at five hundred words and quickly spiralled into two thousand words but it’s not good enough to stand alone as a proper drabble so i’m counting it as a puny stocking stuffer drabble
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pairing; demon!yoongi x y/n
genre; sfw for the most part but there are some suggestive themes because this is demon!yoongi after all <3 
what to expect; “ooh, i love it when you get mouthy with me... it turns me on.” 
wordcount; 2.3k
                  ��                   »»————- 🎄   ————-««
“i don’t even know why we’re decorating this stupid thing. we’re going to be throwing it out by the end of the month.” yoongi grumbles, tossing a handful of fake snow onto the tree a little too aggressively before shoving his hand back into the bag
this sucks
when he woke up this morning you told him that you guys would be spending the entire day decorating the apartment for christmas and his morning wood immediately deflated
in fact he’s pretty sure his penis might’ve shrivelled up and died at your words
it doesn’t make any sense
you’re like.,., 25% demon!
you’re supposed to hate christmas because it’s literally the day of christ, but here you are, wearing what has to be the ugliest sweater he’s ever seen in his entire life (it lights up. what kind of a sweater lights up?!) while happily hanging baubles on this poor tree that should be out in nature and definitely not in this apartment  
“oh, cut it out, you grouch.” you scowl playfully, already fully aware as to why yoongi’s so grumpy today, “decorating is fun! and our presents are going to look so pretty under the tree-”
“y/n?” jungkook pokes his head out from the kitchen and you turn to look at him, “i’m gonna need you to help out with the gingerbread house. construction isn’t going great. there’s frosting everywhere and i ate most of the m&ms. and one of the gingerbread men is missing a head because i got hungry.”
“are you seri- i asked you to do one thing, kook-” you frown, jungkook smiling sheepishly before not so subtly popping an m&m into his mouth, “get back in the kitchen! i’ll join you in a second.”
jungkook pops back into the kitchen and you let out a hopeless little sigh before slowly turning to look at yoongi 
he pauses right as he’s about to sprinkle some more snow onto the branches and narrows his eyes at you, “…why are you looking at me like that?”
“will you finish decorating the tree while i help jungkook?” you turn to look at yoongi before pushing your bottom lip out in a pleading little pout, “please?” 
“what?? no way!” yoongi scowls, immediately dropping the bag of fake snow onto the floor with a thump, “the only reason why i agreed to do this was because it’s more bearable when we do it together- i’m not decorating this tree alone, that’s just pathetic-”
“aw, c’mon-”
“i’ll just wait for you to finish with the gingerbread house and then we’ll continue with the tree-”
“but we have to follow my schedule!” you whine, grabbing your notepad off the couch before pointing at the next thing on your list, “see? 1:00 to 2:00 - decorate the tree. 2:00 to 2:30 - hang the lights out on the balcony- and it’s already 1:30, yoon-”
“for the love of-” yoongi huffs, “okay, fine! fine, i’ll- i’ll decorate the damn tree alone.” yoongi snatches the box of baubles from you but the faintest of smiles twitches at his mouth when you lean in to squish an appreciative kiss to his cheek
the thought of completely burning the tree down while you’re gone briefly flits through his mind but he squashes that thought quickly
he’ll be good for you 
he can behave!
                                     »»————- 🎄   ————-««
“don’t eat the gum drops, i’ll be right-” you step out of the kitchen and your eyes widen to the size of saucers when you see yoongi floating in mid-air, carefully wrapping the christmas lights around the tree, “yoongi!” you hiss quietly, hurrying over to him before reaching up and wrapping your fingers around his ankle, “yoongi, what the hell are you doing-?!”
“i’m wrapping the damn tree in these lights and we don’t have a ladder-” yoongi wobbles a little when you give him another harsh yank and he glances down to see you looking warily at the kitchen door
heh
you’re... anxious.
he can feel wafting it in the air and it smells so good
maybe he can have a little bit of fun with this…
“so use a chair or something! yoongi, i thought we agreed that if jungkook was here that you wouldn’t do anything non-humany-!” you jump when yoongi suddenly drops the pile of lights into your arms before lying back and folding his arms behind his head
oh god
he’s not going to get down anytime soon
also the only reason why you haven’t told jungkook about the fact that yoongi is most definitely not from this world is because he would pass out from complete and utter petrification
you don’t know how he’s going to be able to handle a spawn of satan when the man is scared of fruit flies!!!!
you’re planning to keep everything a secret until the day you die
(you’re also hoping that the day you pop one of yoongi’s babies out that it doesn’t come out with tiny red horns on its head because you feel like jungkook wouldn’t take that very lightly)
“down. now!” you snap, bending down to set the lights down on the ground so you can go and follow yoongi, “i’m serious, yoongi!” 
“oh, relax.” yoongi sighs, “he’s in the kitchen, we’re in the living room…” you frown disapprovingly when he tilts his head back so that his face is right in front of yours before flashing you a grin, “now, why don’t you wipe that frown off your face and give me a kiss?” he purses his lips obnoxiously and squawks when you shovE your face into his hand
hey!
rude!!
“i’m not going to give you anything until you get down-”
“aw, but decorating the apartment would be so much easier if you just let me do my thing!” yoongi pushes himself all the way up so that he’s next to the ceiling fan, “i can even do some much needed dusting while i’m up here!”
“min yoongi, if you don’t get down right now-” you hop up onto the couch and reach up to grab his foot onLY for yoongi to pull his legs up and cross them, “you know exactly what you’re doing, you sadistic freak-”
“ooh, i love it when you get mouthy with me,” yoongi wiggles his eyebrows, chuckling to himself when you start hopping up and down to try to get closer to him, “it turns me on.”
“that means nothing to me because you get turned on by everything-” you grumble, your fingers barely brushing over his ankle as you keep trying to grab him, “like that one time you were watching me eat ice cream-”
“uhhhh, excuse me-” yoongi scoffs, rolling his eyes, “there was white cream dripping down your chin. obviously i got turned on-”
“hey, if you come down now, i promise to do that thing that you said you wanted to do…” you offer, looking up at yoongi with wide eyes before clasping your hands together, “c’mon… isn’t that a good deal?”
yoongi shakes his head and sticks his tongue out at you, “nice try, you scammer. i’m not falling for that again-”
your shoulders immediately drop and you watch helplessly as he floats over so that he’s near the kitchen door
you really wished that inheriting some of yoongi’s aura gave you the power to float as well
all it gave you was the ability to sometimes make your eyes go black
suRE your stamina in bed has improved significantly and you can keep your engine running from sunset to sunrise but that’s not as cool as FLOATING in mid-air
“do not.” you shoot yoongi a glare when he makes a motion to open the kitchen door
“what if i…” yoongi grins, pretending to knock against the door, “oh, look at your face! you don’t like that, do you? you poor, helpless little thing...” he coos, rolling over onto his back with a laugh
oh god
you haTE THIS
“you know i-” your heart practically drops out of your ass when the door suddenly swinGs open and jungkook steps out with frosting all over his hands
“okay, i know you said not to touch anything, but one of the walls were starting to droop so i thought i’d reinforce it with a little more frosting, buT i squeezed too hard and the bag exploded-”
you swallow thickly when yoongi lowers himself a little all while maintaining strong eye contact with you, propping his chin up on his palm before the corners of his mouth turn up in a grin
you ball your hands into tight fists when yoongi blinks and his pupils turn into thin red slits
great! now his creepy demon eyes are out!
okay
you know what?
it’s fine
relax!
you know he’s taunting you on purpose but it’s not like he’s actually going to do anything-
“DON’T-!” you jump off the couch when yoongi wiggles his fingers directly above jungkook’s head, a couple tendrils of his hair starting to float upwards
“okay, jeez!” jungkook raises both hands in defence before scoffing lightly, “i said i’d offer to help clean up but since you obviously don’t want my help then maybe you can get yoongi to help-“ jungkook pauses, glancing over by the tree, “hey, where’d he go? i heard his voice like a second before i came out-”
“he’s dead!” you blurt out, jungkook’s eyes widening immediately
(improvisation has never been one of your strong suits)
yoongi lies down on his back before crossing his arms over his chest and closing his eyes, all while floating mere inches above jungkook’s head 
“i mean… he’s… dead-finitely in the washroom.” you correct yourself, trying to hide the complete and utter angeR on your face when yoongi peels open one eye before turning his head and blowing a silent kiss at you, “because he… had to pee. like any other normal human being does when their bladder is full.” 
“that was a very... non-human being way to answer a question.” jungkook snorts, “what’s wrong with you?”
“i just... don’t want you to get your grubby frosting hands anywhere!” you clear your throat, letting out a sheepish chuckle before rushing over to jungkook, “why don’t you start cleaning up and i’ll join you in a sec?”
“but my hands are still covered in frosting-”
“uh-huh, sounds good!” you slap your hands down on jungkook’s shoulders before spinning him around and practically shoVing him back into the kitchen
you close the door before looking up so you can grab yoongi by the collar and pull him-  
?
yoongi is… no longer there. 
the christmas lights on the tree flicker before buzzing out 
okay
so he wants to play games, does he?
“yoongi?” you spin around quickly before walking forwards cautiously, carefully inspecting every inch of the room for any sign of your nightmare of a boyfriend
you jump in surprise when a bauble suddenly falls off the tree and bounces on the floor before rolling over to your feet 
“you think you’re so funny, don’t you?” you mumble, bending down to pick it up before gently placing it down on the coffee table 
i’m fucking hilarious, baby. i like to think that’s part of the reason as to why you love me so much. 
“what the-!” you jolt at the sound of yoongi’s voice suddenly echoing in your head 
the last time he was in your head like this was when you summoned him for the first time which was definitely a while ago 
you forgot how weird it was to hear his voice inside your head
“i certainly don’t love you right now, i can say that for sure.” you grumble, “it’s safe to say that i actually hate you right now-” 
you look really sexy when you’re mad at me. why don’t you meet me in the bathroom for a quickie? jungkook will never know. i’ll even cover your mouth with my hand so he won’t hear anything.
you look over quickly when the door to the guest bathroom suddenly creaks open 
ahA 
“yeah, i’ll meet you in the bathroom... to kick your ass-” you storm over, kicking the door open only to see that there’s no one in there, “and then when i’m done kicking your ass, i’m gonna kick your ass again-”
ooh, are we finally experimenting with pain now? i can definitely get into that. i can use your bobby pins as makeshift nipple clamps. 
“you are infuriating!” you snap, placing your hands on your hips and looking up at the ceiling 
you know that being playful is just part of yoongi’s nature but good GOD 
sometimes you just want to strangle him
and not in the kinky way 
at this point it looks like you’re going to have to pull out what might be the most predictable trick in your book but you’re desperate here
you need to sort this out before jungkook comes out to see you talking to yourself like a crazy person 
yeah, that’s right. keep thinking about how annoying i am and how much that pisses you off. angry sex is super hot. 
“oh yeah?” you stroll towards the middle of the living room, taking your time to do so, “you think so?” 
hell yeah. i want you to be on top, too. i love the view.  
“i’ll do... whatever you want me to do...” you trail off, eyes flickering around the room for any sign of movement, “but if you don’t come out in the next five seconds, it’s just going to be you and your hand for the next five days- oh-!” 
it’s only a second later that you’re suddenly being pummelled into from behind
you definitely would’ve fallen face first onto the floor if it wasn’t for yoongi wrapping his arms around your waist from behind, “finally! there you are-” 
“depriving me of sex during the holidays??” yoongi whines, digging his fingers into your waist, “now look who’s being the asshole-”
see??
oldest trick in the book but it still works like a charm :’) 
christmas with cee 2020 masterlist
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yurtletheturtlehenderson · 4 years ago
Text
Scars That Heal || Eddie Kaspbrak x Reader Series
• Ch. 12: Changes •
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A/N: The missing gaps in time are on purpose since they will be in book 2 as flashbacks, which will include references to events you have not read yet. All fluff and shenanigans this chapter to make up for last, I hope you enjoy!
Warnings: brief mention of nausea and gore towards the very end, but otherwise, tooth-rotting fluff!
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐦𝐲 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬
𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐞
𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐧
𝐀𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝𝐬
𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐦𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬
𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲'𝐫𝐞 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲'𝐫𝐞 𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧' 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡
              - David Bowie, Changes
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
- 𝗠𝗜𝗗 𝗔𝗨𝗚𝗨𝗦𝗧 -
    "I still can't believe you went after Bowers," Richie scoffs.
    As he steps off his porch and onto his lawn he looks over at his best friend and takes another gander at the bruises and welts littering her skin. Her lip was still busted and despite his and his mother's efforts to clean her bottom lip of blood, it must have started bleeding again sometime during the night as more had crusted over.
    "Yeah, well," she shrugs. "It felt good,"
    "Yeah," he snorts. "It looks like it,"
    "You know what I mean," She elbowed him and he nodded with a little laugh.
    "What d'ya want to do? I mean, we could keep standing around here like a bunch of idiots, but-" he shrugs, hands falling into his pockets, and Y/n smiles.
    "I dunno," she shrugs. A wince falls over her face, a painful-looking one at that. "But I don't think I'm gonna be welcome back at the Capitol Theatre any time soon."
    Richie nodded, a ghostly look falling over his face at all that had transpired in the past twenty-four hours alone. He still couldn't believe she had done that. He still couldn't believe a lot of things but her being in his corner after what she had found out seemed a little harder to believe right now. Especially after the junkyard... But - Jesus, that was already a week and a half ago, it felt like only hours.
    He could hear her words from the park the other day in his ears and he suddenly felt the urge to pay her back. He smiled his charming crooked smile and hoped for the best.
    "You still craving fries?"
    "Always," she answered, a look of suspicion written in her features. "Why?"
    Y/n didn't know why she kept asking these questions when she knew the answer. She didn't at all like the look growing in his eyes or the stupid feeling of guilt growing in her stomach.
    "Cause I'm prepared to make a deal with ya toots,"
     "Oh, yeah?"
    "Sure am," he says, patting his hand over his left pocket. "I'd been saving up for a long weekend at the arcade but that's a bust. And I just got a raise on my allowance ━ that's again, toots. Allowance. It's the money you get when you do stuff for people, you might never have heard of it--"
    "Is there a point here, Rich? Cause if so, you better get to it faster,"
    "Point is, I'm packing and I'm also craving milkshakes. So how's about I treat you to the biggest pile of fries your staved ass has ever seen--"
    Y/n shoots him a knowing look, ready to detest when he holds out a finger.
    "If," he continues. "you take me there."
    "Take you there?"
    "Take me there," he nodded. "By piggyback."
    Y/n gave thought to this, all while hiding behind an unimpressed look. As much as she hated to admit it, she was starving.
    Richie shrugged. "Hey, you're the one always saying you don't want to feel like charity. Well, this ain't charity, this is work with a reward. Take it or leave it,"
    Her unimpressed look grows stronger in an attempt to buy her time. But it's useless, her stomach answers for her with a long growl and a smile sneaks up on her.
    She steps forward, crouching down a bit for him to jump on her back. "Alright, let's get this over with."
· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·
    "You know, I was really worried about carrying you, but dude, you weigh like nothing. You're a fucking bean pole," Y/n says.
    She comes to a slow before straightened her back letting him slide off her back and onto the ground. The two of them had arrived at the nearest diner in the town square where they now stood.
    "Well, not to brag or anything, but," he fluffs his collar. "I took a massive shit before we left,"
    "Ugh!" a shocked and uncomfortable laugh breaks loose from Y/n and she sticks out her tongue in disgust. "Regretting this already."
    She threw open the doors and the two found themselves inside one of Derry's lesser diners.
    It smelled like sausage and coffee beans, and it had a vibrant red and black theme. There were maybe nine or ten people there, little kids included and they could hear the jukebox blasting a David Bowie song. Y/n had a hard time enjoying it with the combination of a full bladder and an empty stomach so she turns to Richie and nudges him with her elbow.
    "I'm gonna run to the restroom. Get us a booth?"
    "Do your thing," Y/n nods and disappears around the corner. As his eyes follow her, they land on the corner in question she had disappeared around where there sat the jukebox.
    He wanders over, eyeing the machine as Changes reaches a crescendo. A mischievous smile blooms as the lights from the window illuminated his face.
    "Three plays for a dollar, huh?"
· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·
    When Y/n returned from the restroom, she had expected to find Richie lounging in a booth somewhere, feet up and bugging the employees. She did not expect to turn the corner and nearly collide with the boy as he stood at the Jukebox and feeding all his money into it.
    "Dude! I carried you here, you owe me fries!"
    "And you shall get them my liege," answered Richie in a Shakespearean tone. "But first!" He dropped the act and looked away from the Jukebox for the first time, wearing an almost evil grin. "A social experiment,"
    Y/n's brow furrowed as she watched Richie punch in the same Tom Jones song over and over and over. It was then she caught on to what he was doing. She held out a hand as her eyes watched the Jukebox.
    "Hey, hey, hey, wait," she said, stopping Richie in his tracks.
    He looked up at her with a pout. "Relax, toots. I saved just enough for their biggest basket of fries, you'll get them." Then Richie saw the look on her face. He could practically see the gears turning.
    "No, not that. It's just..." she said, eyes never leaving the list of songs. "Before you put in more, you should throw in one It's Not Unusual,"
    And that's when the afternoon went from good to great.
· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·
    By now, the duo had ordered and waited. They now sat tucked into a corner booth with a great view of the street corner and the passers-by of Derry. Changes had long since ended, and the remaining songs in the queue had trickled out. Richie memorized the song queue and was silently counting down until the big moment as he sat across from his battered-up best friend.
    Her busted lip poked out in a bored pout, her chin propped up on her palm as she balanced her head on the table while looking out at the graying town landscape. It always escaped her how Derry could possibly look so gloomy on even the hottest, brightest days of summer. Until recently that is, the truth all too clear to her and her friends now.
    The thought of the Losers scattered all over this hellhole only added to the gloom. They should all be here, together. Pointlessly debating which condiment goes best with fries, not fighting over... Over what they had fought over.
    Y/n's eyes finally broke away from the manhole at the center of the little intersection outside and wandered over to Richie. He had stolen the salt and pepper shakers from a few empty (and not so empty) tables and was currently doing his best to construct a salt and pepper shaker tower. His tongue was sticking out from between his curled lips and his glasses were sliding to the end of his nose at the angle he looking. The tower was nearly three shakers high and Y/n could hear him muttering, 'where's Haystack when you need him?' under his breath.
    The gloom Y/n had been thinking so intently on was suddenly ebbed away at the sight, and the corners of her lips hooked into a small smile.
    At least she had her favorite Trashmouth.
    "If you keep undressing me with your eyes, I'm gonna catch a cold," said Richie, never once looking up from his tower.
    Y/n snorts. "You're unbearable,"
    Richie shrugs defensively. "Hey, you're the one who said we're stuck with each other," he clicks his tongue and winks. "No going back on that kind of deal,"
    "Oh, I meant what I said," Y/n releases her chin and folds both arms on the table. She hated getting all serious again, but she just needed to be sure. Her voice softens, trying to catch Richie's eye. "All of it, okay?"
    Richie's hand around the salt shaker stops, and he pries his eyes off the tower and to his best friend. Despite her intentions and promises, everything that transpired the day before -- good and bad -- flooded over him and made him tense.
    She suddenly offered him her pinky and a small smile.
    "Stuck forever?"
    Richie rolls his eyes. He didn't quite know who to blame, maybe just the losers in general, but he was going all soft and lame.
    "Like my ass and a toilet seat, toots,"
    He locked his pinky with hers and the deal was sealed forever.
    Y/n leaned back on her side of the booth and took a large swig of the complimentary water as her eyes returned to the streets. The chatter of the diner had died down a little. There weren't as many people since they got there, but they were still filtering in and out. But when Y/n had a hard time shaking off the images she had of her best friend in the state he had been, she deems it safe enough to lean forward and lowered her voice.
    "You know," she began picking at her napkin, making slow and tiny tears here and there. "I--" she sighs, not knowing how or where to begin. "I wouldn't blame you."
    Richie, having abandoned his shaker tower, frowns.
"I wouldn't blame you if maybe, it was -- or is hard to be..." she shakes her head again and rubs her forehead trying to find the words. "I wouldn't blame you if it was hard to be around me and Eddie," She blurts.
    "I'm gonna stop you right there," Richie says. "We're not gonna do that, okay? You have exceeded your sappy meter and you're gonna need to wait about 48 hours for it to charge up again. I think we've both had enough, right?"
    Y/n swallowed her words. She swallowed any promise she was holding out to him that their feelings for Eddie wouldn't change anything. That she wouldn't ever want to stand in their way, however true it was. And instead, she made a new one.
    "Let's just agree, whatever happens, happens. Let that be whatever it needs to be. Even if that means neither of us gets to see that adorable, asthmatic pipsqueak ever again. Deal?"
    Y/n fought the bittersweet smile threatening to appear. She could see it now. Richie knew what he needed to know about himself now, and that was already a lot for him to handle. She could see in his eyes he wasn't ready for the possibility of whatever was his feelings for Eddie Kaspbrak.
    Y/n's stomach turns to knots when the thought crosses her mind, but that only confirms to her it was time.
    She looks around the diner, looking for prying eyes and she still finds none. She leans in, voice lowered as she fiddles with her napkin again. "I'm uh--," she clears her throat. "I've never told anyone this, but..."
    She lets out a sharp breath. "Well, let's just say Eddie isn't the first Loser I've ever had feelings for,"
    Richie shakes his head, making a "what am I supposed to do with that?" face at her sudden shyness. She only gives him a solid stare until it finally clicks.
    Richie collapses against the seatback with a gaping, triumphant look.
    "No. Fucking. Way," Richie slaps his hands on the table and leans forward, and an ugly excited laugh comes barreling out of his chest. "You big homo!"
    "Would you fucking shut up?!" Y/n hisses, reaching over and shoving him back against his seat by his forehead. She looks around the diner and determines no one had heard that. Maybe except one guy in his forties, but that was most likely about him knowing they did something to the jukebox. He was sat with his young kids, looking tired and all too suspicious of their laughter at the jukebox. Finally, she laughs a little. "Beep, beep you moron."
    "You telling me you and Little Orphan Annie...?"
    "I'm saying," Y/n sighs, shrugging her shoulders. "I meant it when I said you're not alone, alright?"
    The look in Richie's eyes hardly changes.
    "No!" She answers. "No, nothing's happened but..." Y/n shook her head. "I had feelings for a really long time, up until about two years ago."
    "Wowza," Richie sighs, leaning back into his seat and plopping one hand on the table. He sighs. "We sure know how to pick em,"
    "Yeah, you could say that," Y/n laughs.
    In fact, that's all she could say. A million things ran through her head, things she wanted to say to Richie but couldn't. Cause when she looked in Richie's eyes at that moment she -- they both -- knew everything unsaid could remain that way. With one look they knew. They knew that they could both count on each other, have each other's back. And that included Eddie too. They knew that no matter who held Eddie's heart, they could both agree that Eddie's happiness -- and each other's -- was most important.
    The sound of brass instruments invaded the atmosphere, pulling the duo's eyes to the jukebox across the diner. Their faces lit up in matching grins, both of them nearly forgetting the psychological horror they had just unleashed upon the diner.
    "What's new pussycat? Woah, wo~ah,"
    And thus began the best meal they ever had.
- 𝗟𝗔𝗧𝗘 𝗔𝗨𝗚𝗨𝗦𝗧 -
    Y/n relished at the demanding burst of cool air that bombarded her sweaty skin as she stepped inside Keene's pharmacy. The grip on the money she had scraped together tucked tightly in her right palm grew tighter when the shopkeeper's bell announced her arrival. Her eyes fell to her injured leg, and by now her feet have already begun their journey forward towards the first aid supplies. The last of the bandages secured around her leg, and she winced at the faded and stained cloth that was in dire need of a change.
    Her eyes pick up from the ground when she hears a choked gasp only to find the boy that had been occupying her thoughts standing before her.
    "Y/n," His voice is meek and heavy with sadness, and you can hear the absence of breath in his lungs that she always seemed to create.
    Despite the staggering stampede of emotions she felt, she found herself releasing a chuckle. "Hey, shrimp."
    The name itself would have been strong enough to send hooks into the corner of his lips, tugging them into a half-smile had it not been for the sight before him; she was a wreck. Looked as if she had been put through an actual wringer and his heart stops for a moment, in fear. At that moment he is grateful he has his inhaler, Y/n had a talent for taking his breath away but he never would have dreamed of it happening this way. Already his mind is going at twice its speed, a mad swarm of thoughts that dizzy his head, and as quickly as he can he tries to pluck one - just one - thing to say to her. When he finally speaks, he is thankful that his voice has returned to him.
    "How's your leg?"
    He doesn't have to ask, the first thing he saw - the very feature that tipped him off about her - was the blood-soaked bandages wrapped around her left calf. He couldn't imagine why it would still be bleeding, much less this profusely given how long ago it had been. Perhaps it had opened back up. And Eddie felt it best not to address the new set of scrapes and bandages that were scattered across her arms and legs, though each one filled him with worry. But her eye... it was completely swollen, and several shades darker than a usual bruise.
    She grew rather sick looking at the question and instantly he was filled with dread. Had It gotten to her again? Was it something new entirely? Either way, he felt a great deal of guilt he hadn't been there, and more than anything he wanted her safe. Maybe, if it wasn't too crazy, be the one to look out for her. To protect her.
    "I just," she swallows thickly, eyes darting around to avoid his eye line.
    Eddie tilts his head, encouraging her to continue. She looks as if she's about to unload a great deal off of her chest, but after a moment she shakes her head.
    "Nothing," she lies. "Just need new bandages."
    Eddie's horrified expression does not waver, but only intensifies, zeroing in on her. He just simply can't ignore the state she's in. And while every instinct inside him screams to jump in and help, he knows that's not his call nor his place. But he had to ask, he had to know.
    "Are you okay?" He blurts suddenly. He mentally slapped himself. Of course she wasn't. "What happened...? You're leg? You're eye? Are you in trouble at home? Was it...?"
    She grows tense, and Eddie scolds himself once more when he sees her walls rebuilding themselves. He hated his stupid word vomit sometimes.
    "No, Eddie!" she says tiredly, sighing at her slight outburst. "I'm..." she sighs again, staring at the floor, looking almost... calculated.
    Finally, she picks her head back up, her expression flat, but her tone a bit softer. "Just Bowers. The usual."
    Eddie couldn't help but feel like she was lying. And that hurt him. But he understood. If she had pressed him about things at home he probably would have done the same. Eddie sighed deeply as well.
    He missed the way things were.
    He missed Y/n.
    He missed the feeling he got around her, the storm of butterflies and mind-numbing fits of laughter they'd bring out in one another. He missed the way his skin would tingle like every blood cell was on fire when their skin accidentally brushed together. Eddie missed the way he'd lose himself in thoughts about her like he was now.
    Eddie didn't realize it until that last thought crossed his mind, but this was the first time in weeks he felt something other than anxiety and fear. And maybe he was crazy, but when he looked in Y/n's eyes now he thought he saw it too -
    "I'm sorry, Eddie," she says, breaking him from his daydream, sending him falling back down to earth. "But I really need to take care of this."
    He glances down at her leg, the bandage still soaked with blood and he feels fear squeeze his chest again. She was leaving. And that meant he had to, as well. He would have to say goodbye and go back home to his mother. He could hear her haunted cries, whining at him and wailing. What took you so long, Eddie? Don't you know what you're doing to my heart?
    Eddie goes rigid at the thought when he realizes; the last time he saw Y/n... Those horrible things his mother had said to her and he... Jesus, what she must think.
    "Y-Y/n," he sputters desperately as she begins to limp around him. She had gotten no answer for once again he had gotten lost in his thoughts. But he couldn't have it end like this. He just couldn't. "Y/n, I'm sorry."
    She stops in her tracks and looks back at him, thoughtfully. A sad smile graces her face.
    "I know, shrimp,"
    Her eyes hold a thousand words, a million things she wants to say to him as he wants to say to her. But they die out, and she turns away.
    "Y/n!"
    He couldn't let her go, he just couldn't. Then why was this so difficult? He always had a mouthful to say, but around Y/n L/n, Eddie was always speechless.
    "I wanna..." he gulps, a pleading, sincere look in his eyes. "I wanna see you again." He admits.
    Y/n smiles sadly. Like she doesn't want to let him go either. But still, she gives him a pleading look after gesturing to her leg.
    "Eddie, I gotta take care of this,"
     His head sunk to the floor and he nodded, embarrassed. Of course, what the hell was he thinking? She didn't need him coming in and messing things -
    Her sudden sigh broke his thoughts. "Meet me outside in five? I could use some help,"
     A nervous smile broke out, stretching and hurting his cheeks and Eddie nodded when he met her eye. He was out the door without another word, back in the alley where he had first bandaged her up all those months ago.
    His mind raced with possibility and more unanswered questions. What would he do, what would he say? What had happened to her, and could he have been there to stop it? His face still burned with embarrassment when he thought of the things he let his mother say to her, how livid he was with himself.
    It was all he could do not to bounce off the walls from the jitters. The crates from the last alley visit, or at least some like it, remained and so Eddie eagerly took a seat. His knee bounced up and down at unnatural speeds as his mind raced, his eyes wandering the alley as the wind swept in a familiar summer breeze against his cheeks.
    "I really need to focus right now," he orders, his hands making delicate work of the bandage over the new kid's stomach.
    "You need to focus?" Richie snorts over his shoulder, causing Eddie's cheeks to burn.
    "Yeah, can you go get me something?"
    "Jesus! What do you need?"
    "Go get my bifocals. I hid 'em in my second fanny pack."
    Y/n leaned forward, balanced on her knees with a crooked smile that would with Eddie for days. "You have a second fanny pack?"
    The burning in his cheeks grew, and Stan joined in. "Yeah, why do you have two?"
    Eddie didn't dare meet anyone's eye, let alone Richie or Y/n's.
    "I need to focus right now and it's a long story. I don't want to get into it."
    Besides! He was telling the truth! He needed to focus. Who knows what kind of shit has gotten into this kid's system by now?
    Eddie had nearly finished with the new kid's bandages when he heard the jingle of the store bell.
    "Yep. Thanks." Came the hardened voice of Y/n backing out and towards the alley with a pressed and forced smile before turning for the alley and away from whoever she had been talking to. Eddie was the only one to have caught the small whispered words under her breath from the silence of the alley. "-for nothing, I guess..."
    Eddie shot up from his seat, subconsciously straightening out his shirt.
    "Everything okay? What was that all about?" He asked as Y/n finally joined him. Eddie sputtered, mentally kicking himself for prying. "I mean, you don't have to tell me or anything, it's just you seemed frustrated. You know what never mind, you probably want to get your leg fixed up, right?"
   Eddie stopped again, shifting on his feet when he realized Y/n must be waiting to talk. "Sorry," he mumbled. And to his great surprise, she smiled.
    "Don't be. I've missed your word vomit," she joked.
    Eddie could feel the corners of his lips twitching up in a smile, and something happened to him he hadn't felt in a long time; flutters invaded his chest, making the air he breathed feel lighter and his stomach was doing flips. And he would have fallen harder had he known Y/n's stomach was doing flips right along with him, and a burning sensation lighting up her neck and ears.
    "Well, here-" Eddie said, snapping out of his daze, no longer able to stand by and ignore the gash in her leg. He supposed it really was like old times. He stepped aside, gesturing for the crates and taking the bag of supplies Y/n had handed over.
    "For real though," Eddie began, eyeing her nervously as he unzipped his fanny bag and begun fishing inside for hand wipes. "What happened, Y/n?"
    Her smile fell, and her eyes dropped to her lap where her fingers fiddled together. To Eddie, it felt like a long time before she finally answered.
    "A lot's happened since Niebolt, I'll leave it at that,"
    Eddie nodded, and stepped forward, lowering himself to his knees before her injured leg, and began unwrapping the first of the supplies from her grocery bag. "It feels like years ago,"
    "Yeah, it does," Y/n croaks.
    There's another small silence and Eddie feels a tug in his chest when her eyes linger over him. He only spares a moment to meet her eyes back before taking a deep breath and holding it. With a wince, he unraveled the cloth and quickly discarded it. He tried not to linger on the injury; the edges of her claw-like scars remained, but it looked as if they had been messily pried back open.
    Like deja vu, Eddie found himself battling to keep his lunch in his stomach, but the overall worry in his system for one of his best friends triumphed over it this time around. He dismissed the urge to gag and instead darted his eyes to Y/n in between his work.
    "So..." he asked, realizing he didn't really know where to start. "how have you been? Other than, you know," he laughed nervously.
    To his relief, Y/n smiled.
    "It's hard not being around the losers. I only ever see Richie anymore. Even Bev and I haven't really spoken since the fight, which has been really hard. We've been in each other's lives for so long,"
    As Eddie finishes cleaning the wound, his heart sinks a little at her words. True, he missed Beverly very much. But he also knew all too well what Y/n spoke of, and judging by the look in her eye as she softens at him, she knows it too. She gives him a gentle nudge with her foot.
    "He misses you too," she says, growing another small smile. "Won't shut up about you, in fact. Which is saying something... Guess I'm one to talk, though," she adds, watching him nervously out of the corner of her eye, and Eddie's heart skipped another beat.
    "What about you, shrimp? Dare I ask?" She says with a smile.
    Eddie, Y/n noticed, had been unusually quiet. By now, on any other occasion, he would have talked laps around her by now but something was keeping him. Maybe he just feels a bit out of step, she thinks, as she did. It had been far too long since things had been normal for either of them. But something told her he was now particularly quiet perhaps because he wasn't all that eager to share how things had been for him since the losers split. She couldn't imagine things had been well at home with his mother given everything that had transpired.
    So she didn't pry. She changes the subject, hoping to get his mind off of whatever might be bothering him. Her mind returns to his previous questions, and she bites the bullet.
    "Quitting my job." She says finally, stunning Eddie enough to pull his attention away for a split second. "You wondered what I was doing there. And aside from restocking, I was um... I was quitting my job."
    "You got a job at Keene's Pharmacy? When?" Eddie asked, reaching for a strip of gauze.
    Y/n seemed to think about it for a minute, counting the days in her head before shrugging. Leaning forward, she holds the gauze in places Eddie begins applying the bandages. "I guess a little over two weeks after Niebolt. I did little things around the store, this and that really,"
    "How come I never saw you?" Eddie asked, and Y/n shrugged.
    "He had me running errands most of the time," and she smiled a little. "But sometimes I'd stick around a little longer. I'd offer to sweep or restock the shelves or something. It's stupid, I know, but... I don't know, I guess I was hoping to see some admittedly cute... shrimpy little dude come walking in to refill his inhaler. Is that stupid?"
    Eddie paused, unable to hide the smile or the raging blush taking over his face. Y/n smiled to herself when she saw it, and she'd be lying if she said she wasn't feeling a little bit of it too. Finally, Eddie spoke. Or at least, he tried to. His voice came out hoarse and he cleared his throat, quickly shaking his head as he secured the bandages in place and began disinfecting his hands.
    "No. No, that's not stupid at all. I mean, I don't know if I'd say shrimpy, necessarily, maybe a little skinny but-"
    Y/n laughed, smiling hard at the boy she hadn't stopped thinking about for weeks. Like Eddie, she hadn't realized just how much she had missed him until now. But, she hoped, maybe she could change that.
    Eddie trailed off, his ears burning at her laugh but a smile on his face all the same. At this moment, everything was perfect. Or seemingly so, at least. And then...
    "Thanks, Doctor K,"
     He smiled, a sinking feeling in his chest knowing what was coming next as she hoisted herself back on her feet. "Yeah, of course."
    A silence falls over the two, a silence they know won't last.
    "I guess I should get going," Y/n says finally, gesturing down the alleyway. "I'm meeting up with Richie later, he's swinging by my place." And for a moment, she looks hopeful and Eddie already knows what she's going to ask. "You're welcome to come. We both really miss you,"
    Yet again, Eddie Kaspbrak finds himself with a million thoughts racing in his head, but no words on his tongue. What could he say that wouldn't hurt her? What could he say that wouldn't essentially admit he was still a coward who couldn't stand up to his own mother? What could he say?
    But evidently, he doesn't have to. Y/n can see it in his eyes, and any trace of hope deflates with her. She nods sadly, eyes now on the ground and her freshly bandaged leg. "I get it, Eddie. It's fine. You don't have to say anything."
    "Y/n..." He didn't know what felt worse; knowing he let her down, or the sound of her using his real name.
    "Really, it's okay,"
    But it wasn't okay. And Eddie knew that. Today he had been given a second chance with Y/n, and already he had fucked it up. Or so he thought...
    A smile returned to her face just before she left; it wasn't nearly as bright as it had been moments ago, but it was as real as any other he had seen all summer. And then she spoke. She spoke the three words over her shoulder as she disappeared out of view that returned a familiar spark to his chest.
    "I'll call you."
    There was hope yet.
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srchprtys-kinhelp · 3 years ago
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pinned post i guess?
hi, my name's jamie (or srchprty if you'd like), and i am currently the only mod. (EDIT FROM MOD 2-D: This isn't true anymore but I'm too lazy to make any heavy edits to this 😅) this blog is still sort of under construction so not everything is perfect yet but we're getting there. dni if you like brendon urie please interact if you like brendon roscoe. have a nice day. more info under the cut
also PSA!!!! just because this blog tends to go inactive for long stretches of time doesn't mean we're not still here! both mods are just incredibly forgetful and busy with work/school and keep forgetting this blog exists until we get requests lol. please still feel free to send stuff in [not just requests, send whatever if you just wanna chat!]
the sort of requests we'll take
edits - icons, wallpapers, lockscreens, headers, you name it- if it's a type of photo we'll shove you in it. as a photo, not literally. we sadly do not have the technology to put your brain inside a photo yet
moodboards - if you've been on tumblr long enough to know what a kinhelp blog is, you know what this means. i'm not very good but i'll try my best.
canon calls - if you happen to be looking for some canonmates, shoot us an ask with who you are and who you're looking for, as well as some details about your canon if you'd like. we'll throw it out there for you. can't promise results though
stimboards - see above
memeboards - concept lightly stolen from @/shittykinaesthetics. send in a character and we'll give you as many memes as we can find/as tumblr's image limit will allow that we think give off the same vibes as them
divination - i have an excessive amount of tarot cards and a magic 8 ball named vriska, ready to answer any questions you may have about your timelines or who you kin. you can ask for a certain deck for complicated questions (typically they will be fielded to the cats, but i also have vampire, homestuck, and halloween decks), but for yes/no questions you're getting vriska. i'm sorry. i don't have a pendulum. she's the best you're getting
kin playlists - send in a character, a genre, and/or a theme and i'll give you roughly 10 songs for them. so a playlist. i guess. there will be a lot of iDKHOW and/or the brobecks, but what did you expect coming to the srchprty kinnie for music recs. youtube, spotify, and direct download links included :]
kin positivity - life getting you down? your favorite band doing some confusing shit? the company that owns them sending creepy ass robots after you? no? just me? whatever your circumstances, if you want a few kin-related kind words, send in an ask and i'll try to give you some comfort. (these are only open for sources on the "please request" list!)
sources/things you can request/not request:
please request: any band lore/concept albums (particularly iDKHOW, twenty øne piløts, elsewhere, intellectual property, & danger days, but any are welcome and encouraged!), homestuck, the heart rate of a mouse, minecraft/mcyt roleplays/cubitos, style savvy, the youngblood chronicles, invader zim, slime rancher, heathers, rockafire explosion, scene/emo related stuff, vocaloid(/project sekai) (you're welcome to request things not on this list but we'll probably get to these quicker :p)
please don't request: south park, hetalia, attack on titan, countryhumans, factkin, minimalist aesthetics, agere/ddlg, hospital-related stuff, any superhero movie that is part of a "cinematic universe", harry potter
(both of these lists are liable to be updated at any point. if one of your requests gets put on the don't request list after you send it- no hard feelings, we probably just forgot 😅)
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starcrossedkaiju · 4 years ago
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Kingslayer AU: Chapter 11
The big one! This literally took weeks to complete. I wanted it to be done.
We are inching ever closer to the end of this arc. Two more chapters I think.
This one is much longer than the recent ones, but don’t worry. That theme most likely won’t continue.
Warnings: // non-explicit blood, violence, and injury, Major Character Death(s) \\
Scar called upon all of his allies on an exceptionally cold evening, a wicked blizzard was blowing through the server as Scott walked hand in hand with Jimmy through the white-out. Even the desert wasn’t spared from the stirring storm.
A broken line of lights were ascending up Monopoly Mountain, all headed to the same meeting.
When everyone had arrived, warm drinks were passed around. Cleo, Bdubs, Tango, Scott, Jimmy, Grian, and the resident Enderman were huddled in the living area.
Scott was biting his nails, so to speak. He was pretty sure he knew what they were there for; and he was not excited. He sat next to Jimmy and begged that the Red Desert wasn’t going to start a war with Dogwarts. It was going to happen sooner or later, everyone knew that, but Scott felt an ounce of selfishness.
Things were going so well.
He was starting to feel like he was on the wrong side of history. Sitting in that room, Scott had been to Dogwarts after Grain and Scar had tried to burn Skiz’s banner. He was in the room when they started talking about war; and here he was again. In a room talking about war.
He was there for quiet conversations about nonstop threats from Scar and Grian, how they were going to protect themselves, and questioning why it had to be them.
Pizza was dead. The air was unstable, everyone could feel it.
Scar began talking about a plan to trap the Sand Castle. Grian was confident that their new bunker would protect them well enough and had even started moving their things out. Dogwarts was to be baited into the castle where Scar would be waiting for them, to pull the trigger and blow the entire building to smithereens with the Red Army inside.
The thought of it made Scott’s insides turn. He’d already jeopardized his entire mission by falling for Dogwarts, becoming their friend when he was supposed to hate them, he kicked up the dirt when he suggested that Etho’s house was flammable, another slip up and the house of cards he’d built could be pulled down around him.
The whole meeting Scott just sat on the couch feeling sick. Too cowardly to say it was wrong. When he knew it was wrong. Like always, he let someone else steer his life for him. Scott watched as everyone agreed and started leaving. A feeling of distance fell upon him as he walked back home, Jimmy in the lead this time.
Tomorrow. He only had until tomorrow to decide whose side he was on. Scott stared at the ceiling in bed, he knew he wouldn’t be seeing a second of sleep when his pager started beeping. Already knowing who it was, Scott quietly left the house once more.
Dogwarts was eerily silent on top, but a quiet conversation emitted from the living quarters. Every member was sat around the room conversing with each other about their plan of attack. Tango shot him a glance when he entered the room, his eyes went wide and he excused himself from his conversation with Joel.
“Scott?” He whispered scoldingly when he was close enough, shoving the other to the most empty side of the room.
“I can’t do this Tango, I’m telling them,” Scott whispered.
“What? No, no, no, you can’t back out now! My god- Scott how could you even come here?” Tango hissed through his teeth.
“This is wrong! You know it’s wrong! I can’t just stand by anymore, I can’t do this to them,” Scott tried to keep his composure. He pleaded.
“And what about the others? What about you? Us?” Tango asked, his face was pale.
Scott closed his eyes, he’d done everything in his power to give as little information as he could about the Red Desert Alliance to Dogwarts. He wanted to protect people, of course, but he knew there was no escaping the war. Even if he didn’t say anything tonight. Something would happen tomorrow.
His friends were wrong, he’d grown enough to see that.
“I’m sorry,” he said, drowning out the lump in his throat and turning away from Tango, who yanked his sleeve in a last ditch effort. It was too late.
Scott strode over to Ren, tapping him on the shoulder. The Red King looked down, dismissing Etho and addressing Scott.
“Hey dude,” he greeted.
Scott’s hands shook as he formulated his admission, “The Red Desert is going to war with you tomorrow,” he said. Plain and simple.
The horrific shock on Tango and Impulse’s faces could easily be read as concern for the Red Army.
Scott felt like he shrunk to the size of an atom as everyone took turns looking at each other. Ren brought a steady hand to his chin, resting it on his knuckles in thought. The lights glared pure white off his glasses.
He walked to the table in the middle of the room and gazed upon the map, leaning over it to ponder. Scott fell back against the wall, his heart was pounding in his ears. He wasn’t even paying attention when Ren started firing off about their plan of action.
He wasn’t listening when Tango yelled at him on the way home. All he could think about was what the hell he was going to do now.
The jig was certainly going to be up tomorrow. Someone was going to be accused of spying, and when one of them went down, so would the rest.
What would Jimmy think of him? Should he just come clean? Admit to joining the Red Army on accident and let him figure out how he felt about it?
It didn’t matter. Scott had three hours to rest his eyes, and spend possibly the last peaceful night he would ever have with his husband.
The morning was spent mostly in silence. Scott gathered his weapons and stocked his arsenal with potions. He stared at the wall and went over the situation in his head. Preparing goodbyes, apology speeches, everything he could think of that might go wrong.
“Hey,” Jimmy came up behind him, taking a fire resistant potion out of his hand, “I was scared you were gonna drop it if you floated away any further,” he sat down on the workbench.
“Are you scared?” he asked, taking Scott’s hand and interlocking their fingers.
Scott closed his eyes, leaning his head on Jimmy’s shoulder. He nodded his head, not in the mood to lie.
“So am I,” Jimmy confessed, “just promise me something?” he tucked Scott’s stray hairs behind his ears.
“No goodbyes,” he said. As if he was swearing it into existence.
Scott nodded, doing his best to smile optimistically. He held out his pinkie finger in a gesture of promise. Jimmy hooked his own pinkie around it and shook it a bit, leaning forwards to touch foreheads with the other before leaving to get his armor.
They left at dawn and shivered all the way to the Red Desert. It was exceptionally cold that morning. Like the weather was also fighting in their war. A small group of people was gathered at the bottom of Monopoly Mountain. Most of them were sat sharpening their weapons and counting their arrows. Scott spotted Tango and shot him the most apologetic look he could manage before excusing himself to talk to him.
“Tango,” Scott started.
“You know they’re going to be here any second,” Tango said, “so why don’t you tell us about the plan like you did for them?”
Scott was making his mind up about what he should say when an arrow shot into the sand near his feet. He looked up, scanning the tree line.
It was too late.
Everyone gathered on the sand snapped to attention, drawing their weapons and forming a group opposite to the Red Army. Scar was shaking his head, asking himself how this could happen. Scott walked wearily to the frontlines, his free hand was taken by Jimmy.
Everyone in the Red Desert looked at each other, then Scar raised his bow, and that was it.
Scott was jumped by Impulse. Better him than anyone else, even if his blows were a bit harder due to bitterness. They went back and forth stealing glances at the rest of the battle where a few mounds had been constructed to hide behind.
Impulse kicked Scott onto his back and kneeled on his stomach, taking his air. He leaned in, sparing nervous glances to their surroundings.
“I hope you got your fill of righteousness,” he hissed.
Scott gasped for air, “this was going to happen whether I had a part in it or not,” he said.
“How could you?!” Impulse shouted, but whatever else he was going to say was stolen when Bdubs rushed him from the side, throwing both of them off of Scott and into their own cloud of dust.
Scott breathed in a lung full of dust and rolled over, stumbling to his feet and spinning around to gauge the battle. It was a blur. His mind flew to looking for Jimmy. Someone grabbed his wrist and pulled him behind a shield, where a stray arrow plunged into the wood.
“Where is Grian?” Tango shook Scott’s arm, sweat was rolling down his face through a coat of brown dust.
“I don’t know! I haven’t seen him since..” Scott froze.
Tango seemed to read the pallid expression on his face and nodded encouragingly.
Scott didn’t finish his sentence. He threw himself to his feet and sprinted across the battlefield, towards the border of the desert. A series of blueprints he’d seen all those weeks ago flashed through his head as he ran. Dodging arrows and slamming into his fellow server mates.
Finally, he rounded a barricade and saw what he was hoping not to see. A few hundred yards away, Scar was taking Ren and Martyn in battle. Inching ever closer to a disarmingly empty plot of land. Scott knew that if you weren’t aware, you’d barely be able to see the tiny windows sticking out of the sand.
“Scar!” he called out.
Nobody heard him.
Even if they did, there was no time.
The ground under his feet rumbled, causing him to drop his weapon before a flash of pure light pierced the air. He heard screams for a moment, but they were quickly drowned out by a wall of fire ejecting itself from the ground. Scott was knocked off his feet and launched through the air.
He hit the ground with a painful thud, but he didn’t come to a stop until he’d bounced head over heels a few feet further.
Scott’s nose was pressed into the ground as he rolled around in pain. He pushed himself to his knees with shaking arms.
In front of him was a gigantic, jagged crater carved into the ground. Smoke and fire billowed from its crude maw. Scott coughed and tried to wave away the suffocating ash to no avail. It permeated his eyes and throat.
Scott realized he had been rendered deaf for the moment, and partially blind for that matter. He struggled to his feet and outstretched his arms for balance, falling over twice before his purchase returned to him.
Someone grabbed his arms from behind and spun him around, touching his face and holding him up steadily.
“I can’t hear!” Scott shouted, pointing to his ears in case whoever it was didn’t understand him.
“Can’t see you,” he pointed at his eyes and then at where he assumed the person was.
The person took his hand and formed it into a fist, then interlocked their pinkie with his own.
“Jimmy?” Scott asked, he rubbed his eyes but his hands were taken away. Jimmy positioned his face gently and he felt water in his eyes, washing away the charred debris.
His vision returned to him as the stinging in his eyes subsided. Not so much the same for his hearing, but that was okay. Jimmy hugged him close and looked him over one more time, before tracing the word “stay” on Scott’s palm.
Scott nodded, watching the other go off into the smoke. Probably to help people.
Something moved in his peripheral vision. Through the black smoke came a figure. Scott recognized it as Scar. He was climbing out of the crater. His movements looked painful, he was dragging something behind him.
It became apparent when he hoisted the object over the edge of the crater that Scar was dragging a limp Grian behind him. He laid the other out on the sand, hovering over him with concern etched on his face.
Scott crawled over, shouting to see if Scar could hear him. He pointed at his ears and shook his head. Scott wished he knew human sign language.
Scar turned his attention back to attempting to wake Grian, who wasn’t moving. He didn’t even seem to be breathing. Sensing that Scar was beginning to get very upset, Scott told him to sit back.
First he tried patting Grian on the chest, tapping his forehead, then observing him for any sign of breathing. His lips weren’t blue yet, he was still alive. Scott took his fist and pressed it deeply into Grian’s sternum, then firmly rubbed up and down.
Grian didn’t move at first, then his eyes flew open under his cracked glasses. His arms shot up to cover his chest and he cursed profusely at how he’d been woken up. He’d probably have a bruise for a while.
Scott motioned for him to calm down and breathe. Count to ten and back, and so on. Grian followed his instructions, wiping the dirt from his face and off his probably useless glasses.
Once he was sure Grian and Scar were fine, he quietly excused himself. The dust has started to clear now and the silhouettes of Dogwarts and the Red Desert alike were milling around, nobody seemed to be fighting anymore. Presumably lost without their respective captains. Scott’s ears has started ringing, and behind the din he could hear the ghosts of people shouting.
Scott idly counted the people around him. Some were huddled over a hastily constructed furnace attempting to brew last minute healing potions. As he counted, he kept coming up short. He counted again, and again. Every time there were two people missing.
He turned back to the crater. Whose smoke had started dissipating into the sky. He knew who was missing, and as he stared into the gaping wound of the earth, a hand reached up to the sky. Then came down on the jagged cliff, pulling the rest of the body to the surface.
Ren fell in a heap at the edge of the hole. Breathing hard from his journey to the top. Scott didn’t know whether or not to offer him help. His sunglasses were nowhere to be found, probably crunched beneath the debris of the bunker and the rest of the desert, and he was covered in a layer of collateral grime. It painted his clothes black and made his yellow eyes stand out.
He pushed himself to his knees with a lot of trouble, scanning the destroyed battle field with a mirthful expression until his gaze fell on Scott. The way in which they locked eyes made Scott flinch, he was in big trouble.
His mind told him he needed to diffuse the situation, but he was still without most of his hearing. It would be even harder if Ren had also been deafened. A familiar “why me” rang through his head. The urge to just leave and call everything quits nagged at him.
Ren stood on shaking legs and made his way, as quick as he could manage, into Scott’s personal space, who backed away; but he yanked his arm.
He stared talking very fast. Scott saw his mouth move but barely any noise actually processed in his mind. Scott shouted as clearly as he could that he couldn’t hear. Throwing in a few sorry’s as he went.
Ren dragged his hands from the tips of his ears down his face in frustration, his fingertips left smudges on his cheeks and over his eyes. He began doing sign language, but Scott shook his head.
By now a small congregation of people had started observing the argument from a distance. All of them more privy to what Ren was mad about than Scott was. Heat rose to his face in embarrassment as he tried to talk over Ren, trying to explain himself. Ren had started yelling as if it would help, and the argument was getting visibly heated when Jimmy stepped in.
He pushed Ren back with force so that he stumbled. This seemed to cause a chain reaction. Ren shoved Jimmy back, and they went back and forth until Jimmy threw a punch.
Scott attempt to make them stop, he came between them and ordered them to calm down, but tensions were far too high for any de-escalating. His emotions were verging on a serious breakdown, frantically begging the fight to stop. To let him explain.
Nobody heard him. If they did, they didn’t care.
Ren had taken out his damaged axe and started swinging.
Jimmy kicked Ren in the stomach, the ladder fell on his back and Jimmy kicked him again.
“Jimmy stop it!” Scott shouted, and he could almost hear himself.
Jimmy looked up at him, still standing over the Red King. His eyes were furious.
Something passed quickly in Scott’s periphery, so he turned around.
Behind him, one foot still propping himself out of the crater, was Martyn. A freshly shot bow still aimed in front of him. His eyes were dark and angry as he stared right past Scott.
Scott turned back to Jimmy, whose eyes were fixed and frozen on Martyn. He staggered back, looking down at his chest where a poisoned arrow had pierced his battle-worn chest plate. His hand wrapped around the projectile, and as if he weren’t even thinking, he wrenched it from his flesh.
Jimmy’s expression read as shock. Right before his eyes rolled into his head and he fell like a load of bricks onto his knees, then his back. His fingers were still wrapped tightly around the arrow. Covered in a mixture of blood and sickly green poison.
He fell, and he stayed.
Scott didn’t have a second to process. Not even the thought to scream, reach out, or run came to him. A blanket of nauseating numbness draped itself around him. His mind left him as he stared helplessly. He watched as Jimmy’s lifeless body grew tendrils of thorny vines until it was consumed indefinitely. Only an arrow wrapped in rose vines remained. Light green flowers bloomed and waved in the wind.
And as if he were watching himself on a screen, Scott did something that he didn’t know he could do. That he had forgotten he could do.
A flash of light illuminated the livid grey sky.
Just as fast, Scott had approached Martyn, who didn’t have time to run. He didn’t have time to put his arms in front of his face as Scott’s hand curled into a fist.
He brought his knuckles down on the center of Martyn’s face, an audible crunch sounded out as he was knocked off his feet. A horrified expression painted itself on his face as he held his bleeding nose.
Scott raised his fist again, and as he did a string of dry lighting spread across the sky. He aimed again, and when his fist met Martyn’s face, a bolt of light shot down from the sky. It turned the world into a pure white canvas with an ear piercing roar.
In its wake was a blackened patch of burning sand. Scott and Martyn sat just as they had been before, but Martyn would not get up.
His body lay bruised and burnt, eyes closed tightly in pain. The rose vines claimed his remains quickly, wrapping around a pair of bloodied hands instead of an arrow this time.
Scott stayed bent over where his friend had been. Tears streamed down his face as the static disappeared from his ears. He ripped his arms out of the thorns which tore at his bandages. Blood permeated the wrappings, but he didn’t know how much was his.
He pushed himself away, kneeling in the grave he’d created.
“Major,” someone said, cold and angry.
A hand planted itself firmly on his shoulder, spinning him around forcefully. Scott had only a second to see that it was Ren, before he was hoisted up by the front of his shirt and thrown across creation. Landing hard on his ass for the second time that day. His shoulder made a nauseating POP, hanging limply and awkwardly at his side when he pushed himself up.
Ren placed his foot on his chest to keep him down.
Behind Ren, the greater alliance of Dogwarts had gathered. Confusion and betrayal was etched on their faces.
“Not a word, Major,” Ren said. Low and forced, his eyes were blown wide with something like fear.
Then he raised the handle of his broken axe over his head, the hilt made contact with Scott’s skull.
Lights out.
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papers4me · 4 years ago
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Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 8 (part 1)
“ I hate myself, so much, so intensely, so completely, I wish I just go away, disappear for good, & yet in the end, I always protect myself, instead of taking responsibility, I run away every damn time, like now, I’m too scared to even look at your face”. The real kyo under the layers of trauma.
This quotation is why this ep is not abt romance. Instead it is abt: Extreme self-loath, faulty coping mechanism, self-awareness & inability to make correct decisions due to suicidal thoughts & non-existent self-worth.  
This is a guy who’s literally seen death TWICE at the age of 4 & 15 (his mom & kyoko), is trying to avoid the THIRD (tohru’s) & is questioning why the FOURTH isnt happening (his own death).
-The layers of a broken self: Excellent writing:
I applaud the writer for choosing fitting methods to portray her characters’ own trauma. Yuki “ prince” mask & tohru’s “i’m okay” mask were fitting to hide their trauma & uncover the real personalities. However, since kyo would be the character to hide secrets & carry guilt, the viewers need to feel he’s hiding sth w/o knowing what it is. It was done cleverly to (a) tie the plot together, (b) build kyo’s character, (c) fit the climax, (d) suit his trauma of severe guilt & self-loath. Some of the things he does can fit two genuine layers: Both layers are true:
His initial refusal to open up to tohru in early se01. (Surface layer): he doesn't know how to interact with ppl who accept him as he confessed to shigure, (Deeper layer): he avoided tohru cuz he knew her!
He initially refused to join leisure activities & trips: hot spring & kyoto trip (Surface layer): he didn’t want to go with yuki (Deeper layer) he didnt want to spend time with tohru as he was unconsciously feeling that he’s stealing from her.
It killed him to see her true lonely self behind her fake mask & approached her with advice. se1, ep5 (grandpa house), se1, ep23 (sick tohru), se2, ep 8 (hiro’s remarks) & other instances.  (Surface layer): he was noticing her issues, & genuinely wanted to help her cuz he’s kind (Deeper layer) he was falling in love w/her & unconsciously wanted her to be happy with HIM.
There were times when there was ONE layer, such as: kyoko’s 1st grave visit. He was so off, rigid, unresponsive, & completely shut down. Everybody read him. Yuki, tohru, Arisa & hana. they just don’t know why he behaving like that. his trauma manifested itself deeply that he apologized to tohru in her sleep cuz he was “ too scared to even look at your face”.
- Kyo’s trauma takes physical shape: (Clutching his heart: PAIN, clutching his stomach : DISGUST) :
While confessing to tohru, kyo’s features spoke volumes. You can see disrepair, guilt, broken soul, sadness & surrender. His body reflected his emotions:
wide eyes (disbelief), Cat eyes (utter fear)
trembling body (overwhelmed with toxic emotions)
clutching his fists (anger at self) , opening fists (surrender to darkness)
hand covering face (shame), Hand around neck as he finished confessing abt kyoko & yuki (desire for death: the final judgement)
The most focused physical appearance was his fist clutching his heart: he was in so much pain as he narrated how he loved kyoko & found a friend in her, desired to make her happy, to find tohru for her, how his his mom withered away out of fear of him & how pitiful & sad he felt towards tohru for loving someone like him. It broke his heart to see them all suffer after knowing him. All the love he felt for them squeezed his heart tight, he wanted to pull it & rip it away. Above all, he was sad to loose them all. Sad he can’t be wit them.
Then he clutched his stomach: representing the pure disgust he felt at himself. As he realized that there is no escape from being responsible for their death, as he admitted he illogically blamed yuki, his disgust with himself boiled in his stomach. What kind of disgusting horrible person does that? blame someone illogically? I’m horrible, hateful & utterly undeserving to be forgiven. Being disgusted with one’s own self! oof! it was so well-done with animation!
-Tying Mature Themes with Child Trauma:
Through kyo’s story, there were different mature themes that excellently dictate his behavior, mentality & emotional well-being: Excellent writing!
(1) The desperate need for self-worth: To be good for once!
by constantly destroying his self-worth thro contempt (the sohmas), rejection (his mom), hate (his father), pity (kazuma/ kagura, initially), kyo searched for an outlet to be a worthy human. Someone who deserves to be loved for who he is. He found that in kyoko. It is brilliant that kyo didn’t look for a mom in kyoko. He called her “ old hag”, she told him unflattering facts abt herself “ neglecting her daughter”. she was his first real friend. He found comfort being with her. He wanted to return the intimate feeling he felt deep down, kyo is so hung up on giving as much as taking as it contradicts the notion of pity. The opportunity came! Helping her find her daughter! being someone who does good! Return the daughter & feel worthy of being a true friend, a man (aka a person). “ i’ll help her, I’ll protect her for sure! it’s a man’s promise” The promise in its core is abt kyo wanting to be a person. Not a monster, or a cat. A true real boy. Away from all the toxic past emotions. Being a man: means being a big boy (person) with good achievements! All this shattered when a better boy beats him to it. The boy who was always praised, loved & respected! kyo’s self-worth diminished greatly & all the toxic emotions came back!
(2) The downfall of faulty coping mechanism: Creating a Bad Guy:
I stated before that one of my fave scenes of kyo was in se02, ep23 when kyo lashed out at yuki on the stairs upon seeing the hat & how yuki felt nothing but pity towards kyo as he was stuck in the past while yuki moved on. Brilliant scene that explains why one moved on & the other didn;t. Yuki’s faulty coping mechanism was being withdrawn & shutting himself. This coping mechanism didnt make him feel better at all!!! Also, he doesn’t have regrets nor sins, he dealt with his faulty coping mechanism with tohru’s help & the school council & healed gradually. Forever loving the writer for writing the distinction between kyo & yuki logically without painting any as monster in reality. Kyo couldn’t do as yuki for the following reasons: ( remember the old theme of everybody heals on their own pace? love it )
(a) He was addicted to shifting the blame as it made him feel better abt himself!! he shifted his thoughts from “ I wanna go away for good” “ mom, why didn’t you kill me instead” to “ it’s not my fault at all, it’s yuki” No match between the two feelings! one leads to suicide, the other leads to feeling like a mere victim. The two feelings are wrong tho & He knows that! he isn’t ready to stop the drug. He can’t face himself. “ the bad guy, if he isn’t as awful as you think, who you’re left to blame”.
(b) nothing around him can make him feel better. Tohru? but she’s kyoko’s daughter! she’s a lonely orphan, carrying her mommy’s pic taking to it! why? cuz you didn't save her! Loving tohru? is good & I wish we can run away far & be together always! wake up! why would she wanna be with a disgusting monster like you?!! You dont deserve her! you who caused his mom to die, caused her mom to die, blamed an innocent guy! Yuki? yeah, look at yuki, you can never be like him, watch as his true kindness gets noticed by tohru, the school & everybody!! he’s everything you cant be!! he should be with tohru! not you!! Master kazuma? poor guy! you brought him nothing but misery! you see his sad smile, don’t you? he’s disappoint in you. Kagura? she pities you!
(b) Kyo can’t fix his mistakes. kyo watched as yuki got back with his brother, befriended haru again, goes back to the sohma estate for the holidays. he feels he cant have similar reweds as he cant bring the things he needed. his mom, kyoko, his bio dad’s affection, kazuma’s pride in him, tohru’s love & his own satisfaction at himself. kyo just hates kyo “so much, so intensely, so completely”
(c) his fault coping mechanism mirrors his dad’s. Kids pick up toxic habits from parents all the time. Even his suicidal thoughts mirrors his mom’s! brilliant writing!
3- running away from responsibilities: perfectly constructed theme!
Who didn’t? I’m guilty! ugh! one of the best themes in furuba hands down! Any other writer would have made kyo do it once, or twice & have him face it in climax & then deal with it. but NOT takaya-san! She excellently took her time with kyo repeating this exact mistakes over & over to better portray the theme & take it out from the boundaries of story-telling to realistic depiction & logical gradual progression:
kyo ran away from being accused of killing his mom (he’s completely innocent & isn’t responsible for his birth’s deformity/curse nor his mom’s suicide)
kyo ran away from accepting kyoko’s words that yuki isnt bad & most importantly that kyo is good. He had found relief in blaming yuki, now you wanna tell me I should look into myself? I’m bad! i dont wanna look. your words are weird “ no bad or good”  Everybody says otherwise, the sohmas, dad & mom! kyo angrily ran away (completely guilty but excused as child would be).
kyo ran away from facing kyoko’s body & wanted to punish himself with death. Depression took over him as “ master tried to get me to keep living”. (completely guilty in his own eyes, if only he tried to safe her, even if he transformed, Even if she still died regardless!!! he hates himself for choosing the disgusting kyo over the kind kyoko)
kyo ran away from telling tohru the truth upon seeing her, pretended not to know her, slowly dying each time she smiles, slowly falling in love & wishing for a chance with her, a chance he believes doesn't deserve.
Kyo ran away in se01, ep14 when remembering the accident as shigure  triggered him. Tohru consoled him & he lost the chance to come clean.
kyo is running away now. Unable to face her “ too scared to even look at your face”. “ I cant forgive me! I dont want you to fogive me either”
So, after running away the first time, kyo should’ve learned better, right? now in the climax, he shouldn’t  have run away? Yes, he should. cuz simply, he isnt ready. We dont learn from our mistakes cuz someone told us. we learn when we fix the core issue. A guy who thinks he deserves a chance in life would stand tall, confess his sins, argues, talks, tells the story unbiased,  then waits for verdict. kyo thinks he doesn’t deserve to be alive, thus, tells the story with server bias towards judging himself as unworthy. HE decided the verdict & didnt wait for tohru: “ I cant forgive ME! I dont want you to forgive me either” That’s why toru’s words fall flat. “ why cant you see the truth: I love you” he can’t tohru!! cuz right now it is NOT abt love. It is abt trauma!
4- Sever guilt & desire for disappearance (death):
As adults our mistakes loom over us & we’re constantly reminded of the “ what if I had acted differently”. This ties with kyo witnessing his mom’s horrible death at 4 years old. Death in itself is scary. A loved ones death is devastating. Watching it unfold in shocking unprepared way is destructive. kyo was destroyed. Not enough: he gotta carry the guilt as his dad & the sohma hammer the accusations. He gets another chance & loves another person. Only to watch the blood splash reach his shoes. “Guilty” whispers the past. “Guilty” confirms the present. He stands in front of the most precious person to him. Now what? If tohru forgives you, the pain goes away???? You wouldn’t repeat the ultimate mistake of killing her, would you? you ominous creature. Her mom warned you. The nightmare stands hovering over kyo’s head, waiting to come true. IT WILL COME TRUE!!! OMG!!!
if Akito does it. It wouldn’t be kyo’s fault, right?  If the car hit kyoko, it’s not my fault, right? if my mom did it herself, it wouldn’t be my fault, right?
But if only kyo didnt ran away, tohru would be alive. If only I pulled kyoko, she wouldn’t have died. If only I wasn’t born, mom wouldn't have killed herself.
The “ if only “ that killed kyo’s mom as she lamented “ if only I gave birth to the rat” will eventually destroy kyo! ugh!!! AMAZING WRITING!!!
5- The Right Time to Heal (self-desire or outside help?):
When yuki was trapped in Akito’s room, haru visited to help. did yuki accept it? NO. yuki didnt even remember much of it. Why? cuz it wasn’t the right time & yuki was too deep into darkness to notice, to accept & to change. It wasnt until he was out, in co-ed school, rebelling against akito, when tohru came, he accepted her, then it lead him to accept School Council & haru. Tohru had Arisa & hana, but never went to them in her darkest moment, hiding she was living in a tent, they were hurt & confronted her, still she kept hiding her fears, sadness & darkest thoughts, interfering in Arisa’s life to provide help, but never allowing them to interfere, until kyo came & broke her mask, she started to complain, talk, show true emotions & want things! She opened up to Isuzu, too. Arisa & hana weren’t the right ppl at the right time for tohru to heal. Kyo had kazuma to teach him better, kyoko to make him notice his mistakes, tohru to love him unconditionally, the right ppl, but all that was in the wrong time cuz he’s in his darkest moment now like yuki was, unable to see or accept. Healing requires self-desire & outside help, but it gotta be in the right moment, when you can see beyond the abyss & into the faint light of dawn. That’s when words will reach the heart. Kyo need to fall so hard, in order to stand up again. Today, he unloaded his burden, threw up the disgust he felt towards himself, spewed all the hate against the real bad guy: himself! Kyo is kyo’s bad guy, has always been. He needs to let go of hating himself & accept the kind gentle kyo that kyoko & tohru saw ~
Side Notes:
This ep is why furuba wins & deserves 20 years of recognition among manga-readers! this story is real! it is NO sweet fairy tale of two lovers. It is abt one’s self & desire to live. All of them struggle with  this particular desire: kyo, tohru, yuki & the rest.
kid kyo was looking for young tohru all night! T_T
this ep of kyo confessing/ narrating his past , reminded me of yuki’s 3 eps of him confessing/ narrating his past!!! ugh! I wish tohru had that! ahhhh.
The 4 months in the mountains weren’t training!!!!! they were depression & suicidal thoughts! ouch!!
Perspectives are what dictate our feelings: Through yuki’s eyes, kyo was so happy with a loving father, friends around him & a house outside the sohmas. Thus, yuki envied him & wished to die not knowing kyo was living in trauma & feeling utter contempt & self-loath. Through kyo’s eyes, yuki was so happy with a living loving family, friends around him & a house with respect. Thus, kyo envied him & wished to die Not knowing that yuki was suffering abuse & neglect!
I love the pacing of this ep!!! It gives room to feel pain & understand the situation!!! I didn’t feel the headache of the bullet train!! THANK GOD!!! SO SATISFIED!!! I was invested all the time!
kyoko’s “ I’ll never forgive you” really destroyed kyo & went beyond it to destroy her own daughter! AAAAAAHHHH ~ T_T
I have some issues with the “ I forgot” part. It makes no sense that they make him forget the accident only to do the cheap cliff hanger in ep 6, then lazily weave it into his confession to tohru in ep. 8. He always remembered the accident. Apologized to tohru in her sleep in se01. ep14 for that exact accident, Then in se02, ep 9. It was ALWAYS in his mind! ALWAYS. Sorry Mr. Director. very lame try. lol.
The only thing I didn’t like is the music! very weird choices throughout the ep! especially at the end. Why a happy music over kyo’s “ I’m disappointed in you? lol!! its sad & tragic?! weird!!!!
I will talk abt Tohru will be in part 2. (her choice, kyo’s answer to her & the need to let go of her mom, the sohmas & of... kyo.
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Ultimate Note thoughts, part 3
As promised: analysis of the iron triangle’s different side combinations. This is also me thinking out loud about characters in planning my Leverage AU (which is a go, I decided) so any additional insights/corrections/clarifications would be greatly appreciated!!
Discussing the Iron Triangle’s Different Dynamics: “and they were tomb raiders. Oh my god, they were tomb raiders.”
Wu Xie and Pangzi: Tianzhen and Fatty
This bond is one of the sweetest and most well-developed bonds I’ve ever seen. I had mixed feelings about parts of Sound of the Providence, but one thing they got right was that Wu Xie and Pangzi have been platonically married for decades at that point and the love is still strong. These are two people who can banter about nothing and enjoy each other’s company. In Ultimate Note, Pangzi is given more emotional range and we get to see his thoughts on Wu Xie multiple times when puppy is unconscious/missing and in peril/yikes there should be a Wu family discount for therapy. What’s really beautiful between the two of them is that they see each other for their real selves and think those real selves are awesome and worthwhile people, warts and all. Pangzi knows Wu Xie is at once obsessively driven in his goals and fundamentally naive about those same goals; “Tianzhen” is probably a mild curse as often as it is a loving pet name. But he still shows up to help and support him in those goals. The scene where Wu Xie insists on waiting for Xiao Ge under the jade meteor thingy is a good indicator of this dynamic; despite being the one to make a rule that they will leave once the bottle under a slowly dripping rock is full, Pangzi silently pours out the filled bottle multiple times as Wu Xie sleeps. It’s also such a lovely and quiet moment to show how much they both worry over Xiao Ge together, although Pangzi, true to form, covers up a lot of his negative feelings in order to soothe and distract Wu Xie.
Pangzi and Xiao Ge: the official “Wu Xie Adoration/Defense/Commiseration/Smack Some Sense into Him” squad leaders
It’s a good touch that at the start of this adventure, both Pangzi and Xiao Ge have things going on that exist outside of Wu Xie: they both take on jobs for the same raid and deliberately do not involve Wu Xie (now that I think about it, it does kind of make sense that Wu Xie is upset at first that he is always playing catch-up with their plans, he gets enough of that with his own family. Like, *we* know there’s a good reason for their actions, but professor puppy does not).
The show does make it clear that their squad has Wu Xie at its core, and these two definitely have nights after bad raids where they (mostly Pangzi) sit with a drink and discuss management of their mutual disasterbebe. A perfect example of their system is the scene where Wu Xie cuts his hand and stubbornly ignores Pangzi; our guy takes an immediate shortcut by loudly telling Xiao Ge that Wu Xie is “being stubborn again” at which point the Man in Black gently but firmly manhandles Wu Xie into getting a bandaid over the cut (the frustrated tenderness in Xiao Ge’s face as he gazes at Wu Xie for a half second cut is just beautiful). And it’s clear that this is a regular situation: if one of them can’t get through with usual tactics, they reassess and get the other one involved. However, we do get to see that Pangzi’s protectiveness extends now to Xiao Ge, and the sweetness of those cuddles when emokitty is sick on their way out of the desert are just cute as hell and show it’s not just Wu Xie that Xiao Ge trusts with his vulnerability. It’s a far cry from their early dynamic in the Lost Tomb of “wanna fight bitch I can take you.” Pangzi is Xiao Ge’s caretaker post-amnesia (the little name tag with if-found-please-return is both cute and heartbreaking) and juggles his different roles like a pro. I really want to return to an analysis of Pangzi as caretaker in another post sometime.
Xiao Ge and Wu Xie: *cue epic music of the “Prioritize and Rescue the Damsel” Theme*
This relationship…look.
Like I said before on (checks notes) that one post or whatever, it’s a beautiful romance. And I don’t particularly care (lying through my teeth) that it’s not ever openly acknowledged throughout the series (except in asides by Pangzi and Hei Yangjing, trolls extraordinaire who ran out of fucks to give three tombs ago), because as with most things for these two, words are less important than actions. Even in other series, like Wu Xie’s ten-year devoted widow period where we find out he can access something only accessible by Zhang family members, he constantly drops hints as to a great loss that has defined his life—his single-minded devotion to Xiao Ge is Wu Xie’s double-edged sword. Every series does a great job with the long gazes at each other—somehow for that time, it seems like it is just the two of them in that moment, even if we know their third-twentieth wheels are waiting awkwardly nearby. An important part of their dynamic is that Xiao Ge always, always protects Wu Xie when he is able to, even if it’s just to stop him from tripping a little on some rocks (I think this might also be why their relationship is so revered? Like, who doesn’t want the assurance of an unconditionally loving sexy swordsman in black who has been known to disappear but who will come to your aid in moments of need—WAIT IS THEIR ROMANCE JUST CONSTANT REITERATIONS OF THE PRINCESS BRIDE???). But we also see how Wu Xie protects Xiao Ge, consistently checking in with him and making sure he is treated as a person and not a tool; it must be confusing to outsiders to see the well-known “Tomb-Raiding Train-wreck Twink” (no I don’t accept constructive criticism on this) fussing over what appears to be a stoic superhuman warrior’s physical and emotional needs. Any period of separation or sight of the other in pain brings out Wu Xie’s best sad puppy eyes and Xiao Ge’s most prominent micro-expressions (I think we can all agree Xiao Ge’s face had the most dialogue during that weird-snake-egg saga), and I just love how their relationship develops over the series, from suspicious puppy with abandonment issues to a calmer sense of “he’s gonna do what he’s gonna do, but he will come back.”
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imdreaminadream · 4 years ago
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The results pt 2 ~ what about it makes you cringe?” Category 3
( - prologue.   - part 1  - category 1  - category 2 )
Okay so this is the results to the question in the quiz, What about it makes you cringe. In reference to the questionnaires core subject about smut fanfics.
Also quick psa there will be a part for the results for the other question -  “In kpop fics, Korean words i.e. jagiya, seem to be a no no, would you like to elaborate why?”
Now note these particular results are going to be split into 3 posts because I decided to split the results into 3 categories. 1 - Writing Aspects. 2 -  Personal Preferences. 3 - Genuine Problems.   >This post is category 3<
TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR MENTIONS OF - rape, minors engaging in sex, child pornography, childhood trauma, unsafe bdsm/kinky sex, misogyny?, toxic masculinity? anything else that needs to be tagged message me so I can add them.
DISCLAIMER BELOW. (please read that before continuing)
This is going to be a long post. The responses were very enlightening but please don’t take this as an attack. Consider this more as constructive cheat sheet to good smut writing or just ignore it if you don’t agree with it. Some of this did a bit deep apricate trigger warnings will be put on the appropriate posts but I’m not sorry it got deep fics can also affect real life as much as we wish it were something that didn’t mix in with real life, it does. I’m no official like sex guru or big-time writer, or what ever BUT I did add little advice underneath each answer, which are just a reflection of the people’s answers. Again if you don’t like the sounds of this don’t take it personal and click off.
Genuine problems
Rape territory - There was a common theme of people commenting about what is essentially edging into rape territory. This was talked about with both sexes, where one expresses, they’re not in the mood but the other just continues to make advances on them until they end up having sex. Everyone who spoke about it mentioned it comes across as coercive or forceful (which would be dubious consent, but I personally know how no one tags it as that because they don’t realize.) something that makes them immediately stop reading and knocks an author’s credit in their eyes. When a character is crying as though they’re not enjoying it, but the sex doesn’t stop and there is not safe word that is used.
No advice for this just use common sense.
Lack of tags which indicate trigger/content warnings - This only came up a handful of times but considering its importance I added it in here to talk about. The comments about it were straight forward as is the topic. Some authors aren’t tagging their work appropriately and it’s actually quite dangerous. You tag your work for a reason to let people know what is involved in it before they read, tagging everything is crucial. If something isn’t tagged you risk the reader, at the very least, the reading but then feeling discontent because it had something in they don’t like to read. Then at the worst you risk people’s mental health, you risk them having panic attacks, anxiety attacks because their trigger was in your fic but they didn’t know because it wasn’t tagged for them to see and know not to read because it could trigger them.
Advice for this is to bold things which you know for sure are sensitive topics, and make sure to tag everything in your damn fucking tag section. You risk people having panic attacks when you don’t tag your work right and they read your work only to find out it has their trigger included in it being blindsided because after reading your shitty tags they didn’t know but you put it in there. Also please don’t just tag smut, tag everything included in that smut because something works are tagged smut and then next thing you know person b is being choked, clothes cut by a knife, restrained with rope, told they’re a slut/whore.
They’re a minor - This also only came up a handful of times, not because people don’t care but probably because they don’t commonly come across it enough however this is incredibly important topic even outside of what about smut makes you cringe. This shouldn’t be a problem, as in it shouldn’t be happening as the people who commented, me and all of you know. They’re a minor, under 18, they’re technically still considered child in the law’s eyes anything sexual about them, like writing smut about them would be considered child pornography. “Things that persons under 18 are prohibited from doing - being depicted in pornographic materials.” No one even cares about “but I’m the same age as them uwu.” It still doesn’t make it right so don’t try and use excuses. Also, the minute a person turns 18 if your first thought is oh, I can write smut about them or request someone to write it for me please just leave that’s like preying on them as though you counted down till they were 18 and now the only value you see in them is for sex.
Mine and everyone else’s advice DON’T FUCKING DO IT.
Also, to note I don’t know what the official rules are for age swapping so like writing an adult person as a minor and depicting them in smut materials, to cope with your trauma, would anyone be open to talking to me about it, like educating me? There has just been this sudden wave more fics being, it’s okay to write adult that I made a child in my fic engaging in sexual content because it helps me cope with my trauma. It just seems everyone’s started saying that and I don’t know how many are being genuine or using it as an excuse or gone with the flow treated it like a trend. Not to be rude just genuinely how legit is this? How many people who write it have genuinely experienced that trauma? P.s if you have experienced that trauma, I am genuinely so sorry and know I am not disrespecting or invalidating your trauma I promise.
Female Characters/misogyny? - Now what this means is everyone expressed how they hate the constant portrayal that it only takes seconds for a female to reach an orgasm and she already wet to go like some kind of tap. They also highlighted a big problem with constantly painting the female as this innocent, dainty, dumb, naïve, shy, small, little girl. Women have brains too; women can give as good as they get and aren’t these shy naïve little playthings. All women have different personalities, the stereotypes about women in fics I’ve seen through the answers, and myself in fics, to my questionnaire is upsetting everyone. And you can see why, is it not bad enough we are subjected to misogyny and stereotyped in real life but now we have to see it in fics too. It genuinely does make people stop reading, it makes them cringe as the answers have suggested. One person mentioned this in their response, and I feel it should also be included, “y/n is absolutely okay with everything being done to her.” This isn’t something we should ever hear. This category feels like the right category to mention it so just consider their words, consider why that makes them cringe at smut writing that includes that.
To everyone the advice is a no brainer when you look at the responses. Make sure that the female character is actually getting turned on like into the mood before even thinking about mentioning that she is wet. And consider that a lot of statistics and personal experiences of other women stating it’s not all that easy to orgasm during sex, and not typical for her to come before the male, so make it sound like it’s worth the female characters while not that they do it for 3 minutes and suddenly she is coming.
Please also STOP with the constant bullshit of stereotyping of women as exampled above. If you like to feel small or submissive or whatever in the bedroom and you express that in your fics I get you but that does not mean you have to portray the female character as dumb, naïve, small, weak like for the love of god spice it up a bit, make her powerful, clever, with personality etc.… being in charge of her own body, knowing about her body, and what she wants and how to get it.
Btw no one is saying it’s not okay to be shy and that before you come in here like “why are you shaming shy, or small girls or dd/lg kink,” it’s not that I can assure you. We’re talking about the stereotype of it that is used to make the women seem more pliable for the man to control essentially not the genuine personalities/kinks people have.
Very passive sub female reader and overly dom male - Now many people spoke how an over macho dom male, and a passive - made out like they’re dumb, submissive female is a dynamic that is making them cringe now. It’s not a dynamic they care for anymore, and I agree with them especially considering the issues it brings about. “ Whenever the female reader is extremely passive and shy/flustered whereas the idol/character is extremely assertive/condescending/dominating/leading everything in comparison.” There is a personal preference to this yes# people acknowledged this, however when talking about this dynamic they further explained the issues with it. Overly passive female has already been touched on but to reiterate the replies insinuated they’re sick of seeing women in fics treated how they are in real life essentially – like some dumb little girl. One person said, “I like when the girl can give as good as she gets, though that’s just my preference.” So, like what has been discussed before this portrayal of females it absolute bullshit and needs to fucking stop being such a constant portrayal. (mind break is different so don’t start)
Then for the male side of things it’s enforcing the stereotype men are macho an alpha male, they don’t have feelings they just think with their dick and have all grr I’m super toxically manly do you ever lift bro, I’m so strong, I get all the bitches, fuck all the girls, the have control over the passive female and not in a consenting way, in an entitled way. Which no, they can have feelings, they can be softer more feminine all whilst still identifying as a man. They can be submissive just as much as a anyone else, they can be a switch or just a dom that isn’t this macho, macho, man. They can be needy, loving, caring, in touch with themselves, their feelings and everything the female character is made out to be, apart from dumb, naïve and weak of course, yano all those negative things any gender and non-gender people want to be associated with. If the guy wants to get railed by the female and be the sub in the dynamic of male x female, then fair enough let it happen there isn’t nothing wrong with it.
All in all, it’s okay for males to be more feminine than masculine and females more masculine than feminine. It’s okay to portray that in fics genuinely. I wouldn’t say I have any advice for this other than the obvious no more macho man and passive females.
Use of Korean words. - If you’re not a Korean person don’t think you’re in the right to argue about this. The Korean people have spoken up and you will listen and respect them. Know this is an important topic, however there will be a separate post for this, so I’ll keep this bit short to then expand on more in the separate post. Just wanted to make you the reader aware that this is an issue.  It’s not okay to be treating noona, unnie and oppa like a kink if you are not Korean, or have Korean heritage. The people who are Korean so kindly explained, it was a normal word for them like just another part of their culture until bad egg kpop fans got their hands on it and they have now sexualized it to the point where some Korean people do not feel comfortable to even use it without thinking of the sexual connotation it has now been given. 
Now like I said I will talk further about that and more, to do with the use of Korean words in fics, in another post, I don’t already have that post drafted so it might take a while to get out and post. However in that time I’m gladly open to hearing more people who are Korean and have Korean heritage, views on this. Or if you too have experience with a word from your language having been taken from being an innocent word to now having a sexual connotation as well because of people not from your country/culture having given it that sexual meaning. It could be helpful to further emphasis the point about the Korean words but also show overall no matter the language/country that it’s making the people of that country/culture uncomfortable. 
Also I hope it doesn’t come across like I’m trying to speak over Koreans. If anything i want to be helpful more than a hinderance. This was something that was spoken about on the questionnaire so I’m just writing what the Korean people have expressed about it in the questionnaire. I want to be able to give their voices from the questionnaire a platform and shed light on this situation, with them.
Also can I ask if gender is a factor in this as well? I’ve seen on tiktok where some Korean guys like being called oppa but I’m not sure if that's in a respectful light or a sexual light, if they were being sarcastic for the Korea-boos or? but i have never seen women say they like being called noona in a way that comes across as a turn on? So can anyone comment on that? send me anons pls.
Too much degradation - Of course everyone who has mentioned this has said it is quite a personal preference thing, the acknowledge that it’s a kink not for everyone. Although on the flip side them relentlessly mentioning it give the feel that it’s becoming more of a problem and less of it’s okay it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. You see they exampled “bitch, slut, whore.” It’s so commonly used, and they even said how they’re finding it not tagged majority of the time, so seeing that surprisingly in the fics constantly it makes them cringe but it’s not a type of thing one can get over it’s apparent it’s becoming a slight problem. It begs the question how much degradation is too much, why is it constantly being used in fics? Does everyone love labeling the female y/n a bitch, whore, slut? Why is the male y/n never called a slut as much as female y/n? Do females have more of a degradation kink than men?
I can’t think of any advice to give based on the feedback, apart from obviously add it to your tags that there is a lot of degradation but it there is anything anyone else wants to add on this topic feel free to re-blog with your take or send me anons.
Describing features on a y/n fic - A few people have mentioned this, and I categorized it as a problem because well it is because not only does it make them cringe in smut fics but also in normal fics and poc feel oppressed in yet another way. When it’s written as y/n it’s supposed to allow the reader to insert themselves into the fic to imagine themselves in there, yet it’s not always done like that. As one of the responses said, it seems authors like that tend to project themselves or their ideal selves onto y/n physical feature wise. More often than not as the responses have indicated y/n is portrayed as cis female, white, blonde, blue eyes, other physical traits such as breast size, dick size body type, height and hair length are portrayed too, which pulls the readers out of imagining because they’re being told they have features they don’t. It’s especially bad for poc because their race never gets portrayed in fics, so it gives the message white race is the most favorable and we already know how racist the world is no need to bring it into fics either unknowingly or purposely.
Moral of the story, stop racism, end it. Go educate yourself.
Moral of the story, in regard to fics, well don’t describe y/n thoroughly. Instead leave it as vague as possible, I mean it’s not even needed to know what eye colour y/n has when they’re in the middle of getting railed.
Quick intermission to just say make sure you tag what gender and pronouns y/n has for your fic, so people are fully aware what y/n they’re getting in this fic.
Nor do we need to know what skin colour they have, it can easily be mentioned that a character is touching y/n’s body without saying they have milky skin indicating they’re white. It is very possible to not give y/n a race. Also, height, keep height out of it don’t describe it because not everyone is 5’2. (hello yes, I’m 5’10 so imagine me reading character a of height 5’8 towering over me, I mean maybe if they wear heels yes but otherwise no.) Similarly, don’t ever describe body types, you can say an outfit flatters a person’s figure without describing it, people can have sex without their body being specifically described i.e., slim figure, toned shapely legs. Please understand that by not describing y/n you’re helping to contribute to racism, and these wacky beauty standards that are already being forced onto us in the real world never mind the fictional world. 
Lack of safe word - Following on from kinks not being portrayed correctly there is the issue of lack of safe word. Now this is something that again didn’t come up quite a lot but that doesn’t mean it’s not an issue. Some are writing fics where one of the people involved, are being railed to high hell and it’s kinky as fuck or you’re writing a BDSM specific fic. Which is okay we are not judging or shaming but it’s concerning how with all this type of sex being had there is no even slight mention of the pairing having a safe word which is has the name would imply really important. It is there to keep the people participating in this kinky sex safe, without that it’s really harmful. Now if you think oh but writing in the discussion of safe words is really unsexy, especially when I’m just trying to make the characters fuck really kinky, then please go educate yourself. Safe words are incredibly sexy when you know it means you get to have bomb ass kinky sex but know that you can also have boundaries that should and will be respected, and a word or system i.e. traffic light system, to pause or stop when ever you need to in order to keep the kinky sexy safe.
The obvious advice is to incorporate consent and knowledge of safe word in your fic. It can be as simple as writing that the characters stop a minute for person a saying to person b you know your safe word. And then writing a small mini paragraph of person b feeling even more in love and/or turned on because their boundaries are being respected. Then you just carry on with writing the smut. You can imply easily that they have a safe word, that it’s been discussed, therefore they’re gong to be safe, respected and made to feel good.
Also, I know there are some people out there who are, a bit unsure on writing a fic in which one person uses their safe word. This is your friendly supportive message to just do it, don’t be afraid of what others think, do it for you it’s something great to write. There are many different ways you can go with it, so you do it if you want to 😊.
Honorable mentions of things that make the people cringe.
(Not a problem just as we are at the end of this category I figured I’d put honorable mentions. disclaimer again, these are other people’s comments from the questionnaire. You are entitled not to agree with them however do not attack me as some have been doing.)
fetishize people’s gender or race/ethnicity
uneducated use of other cultures to make it look authentic
Use of the word plum when they mean plump. One’s a fruit/colour, the other means having a full rounded shape.
PICK ME Y/N (we all know the type)
Stereotypes of all kinds. Of people, phrases, troupes etc.….
Written in a way it sounds monotone. i.e., “He did this, he did that, I did this.”
 When all y/n does during a smut scene is whine. There are other synonyms people.                                                                               
infantilization of y/n. stop making me feel like the person who the fic is about, is a nonce.                                                                                      
y/n is constantly oh so innocent. Like they can be a virgin don’t get it wrong. BUT we all know 9 times out of 10 y/n reads fanfic so they ain’t innocent.· 
no refractory period. 
try hard humour in the middle of smut.
terrible euphemisms
proper unrealistic dick sizes
adding in smut into a plot where it doesn’t fit
try hard
more to come potentially?       
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END OF CATERGORY 3
(Feel free to discuss in comments, in my messages or send anons or anything like that if you want.)
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@nctsworld  @lauraneuuh @jooniyah  
 Tag list:
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(@smutwritingpolice) (@smutwhy)
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eldritchqueerture · 4 years ago
Text
Point of View - Original Statement Fic
Point of View (5004 words) by LadyNikita Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Original Statement Giver(s) (The Magnus Archives) Additional Tags: Statement Fic (The Magnus Archives), Original Statement (The Magnus Archives), this was intended as the eye but evolved into the vast as well, happens, cosmic horror, attempt at Eldritch Madness, unreality, Discussions of pointlessness and meaninglessness, Canon-Typical The Vast Content (The Magnus Archives), from the eps about space, Mentions of Death, Compulsion, discussions of free will (kind of), Dissociation, Panic, Mentions of addiction, Leitner Book (The Magnus Archives), except it was not possessed by Leitner, Pretty Colours <3, Neurodivergent Protagonist, Queer Protagonist, because I can project a bit as a treat, Can Be Read Without Prior Knowledge of the Podcast (I think)
Summary: "Humans crave understanding. They strive towards knowing more and more, that’s what all science is about, isn’t it? To study, to learn and understand; to seek answers to questions. But are we really equipped to handle the answers we seek? Even if we were able to reach them, are our minds advanced enough to grasp the truths about the world we live in? What if there are things just beyond our understanding, lurking in the shadows of reality, peeking into our world just enough to feed on us, on our uncertainty and our pathetic scrambling towards answers that would only bring madness?" --- Statement of Lyria Ellison regarding a different point of view and the dangers of knowledge.
Notes: Hiiiiii <3 I've been reading Lovecraft recently and as much as I hate the dude, The Colour Out of Space gave me so much inspiration that I immediately sat down and produced this in one sitting. I've been meaning to play with the concept of eldritch madness for a while; something about this trope is really appealing to me and I'm really enjoying my attempts at shaping it with words. Lyria is a preexisting OC of mine, I will give some background on her in the end notes because I love her very much. This is a form of practice for me; I'm playing with horror themes and I'd like to get acquainted with them to better incorporate them into my overall writing. Therefore I will accept constructive criticism if anyone wants to give it, but only in the form of DMs, either on Tumblr (your-queer-vampire-dm) or on Discord, if we know each other through a server. All of the warnings I think should be mentioned are in the tags, but if you think something should be added then please tell me!
Date: May 10th , 2018
Name: Lyria Ellison
Subject of experience: A different point of view and the dangers of knowledge.
How do you start telling a story that changed your heart, your mind, and your soul so profoundly that you can barely still function in a society? How do you say all that without sounding borderline insane? Nobody knows what I’ve seen, what I’ve been through. I know they would all say I’ve hallucinated it all and should seek treatment. But I know it won’t help. I know… I know so much now. Too much and not enough. Never enough. I know what happened was real . I don’t have proof so I’m guessing you won’t believe me either, but I need to tell someone about it. So I might as well tell you.
My name is Lyria Ellison and I’m a neuropsychology major. Ex-major, I should say. I dropped out after… Yeah. I dropped out; there’s not much point in continuing studying things about the feeble, insignificant human brain. Utterly pointless venture.
Humans crave understanding. They strive towards knowing more and more, that’s what all science is about, isn’t it? To study, to learn and understand; to seek answers to questions. But are we really equipped to handle the answers we seek? Even if we were able to reach them, are our minds advanced enough to grasp the truths about the world we live in? What if there are things just beyond our understanding, lurking in the shadows of reality, peeking into our world just enough to feed on us, on our uncertainty and our pathetic scrambling towards answers that would only bring madness?
Just a year ago, I was convinced I was going to finish my degree. I was so passionate about it too, eager to learn more and more, to research and seek knowledge. Curious and fascinated by the world around us. What a foolish thing it was to give into that drive. My mind was open to the supernatural, although I always approached it scientifically; I never said the supernatural existed, but I also never said it didn’t. It was plausible; all in all, every scientist must accept that there is still a vast amount of knowledge we don’t have about the world.
The ignorance was a blessing. But I shall not get ahead of myself.
It started around December last year; my dad had died, and my girlfriend, Shawala, and I were clearing out his house. There wasn’t really anyone else to do it; my mother had passed a couple years prior, I had no siblings, and extended family was out of the picture as well; and my dad had gathered a lot of things in his adventurous life; he was a traveller, and he loved the world, loved learning about it, just like me. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed with it all; my dad meant a lot to me back then, and Shawala proved an excellent support at that first shock. She promised to do some first view assessments of the ground floor, while I went to scope out how things looked in the attic.
It’s always either basements or attics, isn’t it? I used to read horror, Lovecraftian was my favourite – how ironic, isn’t it? How stupid . How utterly ignorant. The hubris of the human race at its finest.
Anyways, the attic was half-lit from the small windows in the roof, and dust was swirling in the faint light of the afternoon sun. It was cold here, but I didn’t pay much mind; the house was old, and it wasn’t surprising that there was draft. To say the space was cluttered would be an understatement; I could barely walk around the numerous boxes, old furniture, crates, and overflowing bookshelves; all of which made something in my chest curl tight, bringing tears to my eyes. I steered my steps towards the nearest bookshelf; I’ve always been a bookworm, fascinated by nearly any tome I came across; I’ve been reading popular science books since I was eight. So naturally, I was drawn to the books, taking huge steps above the cardboard boxes and careful not to hit anything else.
The books were old, of course, and dusty. Some of them had loose pages, and I treated them very gently, almost reverently. I have a little bit of a bookbinder streak, and I decided I would take them home and try to put them back together. As I rifled through them, I saw they pertained to a vast variety of subjects, from poetry, drama, and history, to science, metaphysics, and maths. The deeper I looked into this stunning collection, the more reverence rose in my heart; at my fingertips I had the oldest and the biggest accumulation of knowledge I had ever seen. I saw some books dated back even two hundred years ago.
At that point Shawala called me to check if I was alright. I put the book I had in my hands back and my knuckles brushed against the black leather cover of the next one on the shelf. I felt pleasant tingling in my palm at the touch and my heart leaped at the prospect; I didn’t know why –  the book seemed ordinary enough on the shelf and there was no title on its spine.
I sometimes wonder if I could have just left it there and gone downstairs; chosen to come back later and then maybe, it wouldn’t have enticed me as it did. If, by that point, I had had any choice left on the matter.
Alas, intrigued by the book, I placed my palm on the spine and took it out. The leather was soft and smooth, probably sheep, with familiar subtle grains all over the texture. I remember it striked me as odd that it was warmer than the rest of the books in the drafty attic, but I shrugged it off. The front cover had a title, small but visible in the centre, etched in gold – Punctum Visus .
I, by all means, cannot read or speak Latin, but I figured it was something to do with vision. I opened the book, an unknown anticipation buzzing in my stomach. The pages were worn and old, their texture was slightly rough but pleasant under my fingertips; as I opened the front page, I saw the title again, this time in thick but still elegant, black letters, and the smell came up to my nostrils.
I tried to describe it in my head countless times after. I always loved the smell of old books, and I knew it very well, so it came to me as a surprise to realize it wasn’t the only smell I could feel from the book. It was… cold, somehow, distant but prickling at my nose, a little bit the way peppermint tastes. It reminded me of the night sky and distant stars somehow. The smell awakened an unease within me, as I couldn’t quite place what it was and why it seemed so weird , but it wasn’t by any means unpleasant. It was… enticing. Like a promise of a mystery.
I breathed it in again through my nose, closing my eyes, and for a moment I lost all feeling in my body. I was untethered and immaterial, somewhere in deep darkness that seemed to envelop me whole. It felt cold on my mind, stretching it thoughtlessly in the empty vastness, and I saw distant flickering lights of stars. Before I could form a coherent thought, I was back in myself, panting and shaking, staring at the front page of the Punctum Visus . I looked around with shaky breaths; the attic looked the same, and Shawala’s steps on the stairs reached my ears, with her voice calling my name. A shiver passed down my spine, causing goosebumps to bloom on my skin; was it the draft, the dread, or the excitement I couldn’t tell.
I knew I had to read this book, no matter what it took for me to do so.
I took it home, almost forgetting about the rest of the books upstairs. It had spent the next month laying in my room, as I dealt with the formalities and moving the rest of things that weren’t sold from the house either to my place or to charity. After the day we left the house for the last time, I collapsed in my bed, exhausted, but instead of closing, my eyes fell on the book unassumingly waiting on my nightstand.
A surge of excitement passed through me, waking me right up. I sat up and reached for the book. It was still warm; I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad, but warm it was. I think it made me subconsciously assign it more… being? Like, even before I knew anything, I somehow subconsciously accepted that it was more than just an object; that it was, in a sense, alive on its own. I brushed my fingers on the cover, feeling the texture of the leather and the etching of the letters. In the meantime during this month I had checked the meaning of the title – Point of Sight; a position from which a thing is or is supposed to be viewed. It makes so much sense now.
But then I didn’t know what dangers it held; or I didn’t want to think about them. I do remember feeling anxious, my hands trembling every time I opened the cover, but it was so mingled with exhilaration of the certainty I was discovering something important that I must have disregarded it. As I turned the pages, I wasn’t surprised to find the text in Latin; though I still felt a pang of frustration that it meant I couldn’t read it for now. I rifled through the pages, looking curiously at the letters that formed words yet unattainable to me. There was a hunger inside of me; a hunger to Know. As I turned the pages past various symbols, illustrations of the constellations, and of Earth, I determined it must be some sort of a metaphysical work. The point of view on the world around us.
Normally I just skim through works like this and leave them. While they are an interesting read sometimes, they’re not my favourite genre and, looking objectively, putting in the effort of learning a whole language just for the sake of reading a treatise on the meaning of cosmos by an unknown author seems strange at best. But somehow it seemed obvious to me that I had to read it. It called to me, sang into a part of my being that begged to be filled, promising knowledge that would finally leave me satisfied. I know now that it’s impossible. Once you’ve tasted the hunger for knowing, you will never find satisfaction; it’s like an addiction. You just crave more and more, and the knowledge never ends. After a certain point you know too much and when it all connects, when it starts to make sense… you slip. I didn’t know that, even though maybe I should have. I didn’t know what those things I was feeling meant then and I didn’t stop to question them; I gave into it as soon as it touched me. I was stupid.
What followed were a busy couple of months. Every waking moment that wasn’t spent keeping up the pretence of being interested in my major (back then I only thought it a brief hyperfixation, of course, and wouldn’t have called it a pretence at all), I was learning Latin online or staring into the incomprehensible words on the pages. This period of my life is a blur; I remember my friends checking up on me if I was alright, since I wasn’t particularly social anymore. Shawala got progressively more worried, but it fully escaped my mind to care. I know that staring thoughtlessly at the book took up more and more of my time; once, I remember, I returned from my classes at three PM and took the book out; when I came back to myself it was well past midnight. That’s when I started to feel truly uneasy about it. It was the second half of April; I looked back on what I’ve been doing these past months and this cold dread started creeping up to my throat. I realized I didn’t know why I wanted to read the book so much and I remembered the “vision” or the hallucination I had that first time in my dad’s attic. I had set it aside completely as unimportant, and I couldn’t wrap my head around why. I started shaking and theorizing in my head about the book being able to influence my mind somehow, to control it. Had my actions not been my own? How much of it was my own will and how much was the book? Was it even possible for it to influence me like that; could it be that it was supernatural in some way?
The house became cold, unnaturally so. It was dark and all the windows were closed, but a chill draft managed to find its way into the corridor I was in anyway. I sank to the floor and hugged my knees, trembling in panic. I was all alone in the flat, everyone I knew was surely already asleep in their homes, and I was small and weak in the face of something that maybe could have controlled my mind. I suddenly became aware of the leatherbound book in my hand, and I threw it along the corridor at the front door with a whimper, as far away from me as possible. The book thumped against the door, then the floor, and opened on a random page.
I’ve read enough horrors. I knew that the page would be significant, and that knowledge made me sob and hug my knees tighter. I didn’t know what was happening; I felt like I’d just woken up from a months-long dream… and perhaps I was right. The recent past felt alien.
I felt tears sting my eyes and that’s when the smell reached me. Again that mixture of old paper and peppermint cold, distantly sweet but freezing the blood in my veins. My breath came in ragged and shallow, and tears streamed down my face as I stared at the open book that was calling me in an inaudible whisper. The logical side of my mind was trying desperately to make sense of it, to assign the dissociative feeling to my father’s death and yeah, it was plausible, but somehow it just didn’t feel right. The whispers sounded again, swirling around my head, the golden sound almost touching the back of my neck, making me wince. It was enticing and promising, but this time, I felt terror instead of excitement. Disregarding how my mind was trying to rationalize the situation, I knew the book was cursed somehow. I knew that I was its victim. And I knew that I would not be strong enough to resist it.
I don’t know how much time I sat there, trembling, and sobbing into my knees, before I calmed down from the panic and decided I had to do something. I had to find out what this book was and how it found itself into my dad’s library. I couldn’t remember seeing anything in his diaries that would mention it at all, but then again, I didn’t read them all cover to cover. On wobbly legs I carefully made my way back to my room and searched the Internet until the sun started peeking out of the window; I found nothing about any book titled Punctum Visus . I tried all the libraries that I’d known of, that had their assortment online, all the research databases; nothing.
So, at the crack of dawn, with a fast-beating heart, I stood in the door of my room, staring out into the corridor, where the book still lay by the front door, unmoving. The golden strings of a wordless melody made it to my ears; it promised an explanation; that this time if I looked close enough, I would find what I was looking for.
What was I looking for?
Where else could I find the answers if not in the book itself?
I could feel its cold fingers slowly wrap around my mind, steering me to come closer. It called me with a hypnotising voice that awakened all the red signals in my brain, telling me to run and hide, but I didn’t. The voice meant danger, but I knew it also meant knowledge.
Dangerous knowledge. The pull dragged me through the corridor step by step; I hadn’t been fighting it as strongly as I could have had and I was about to start, since I was getting closer to the book, but suddenly I felt the chill of the influence let go, hovering close but out of reach. It was still compelling me to come, to Look, but I could move my own limbs. I had a choice to make.
Knowledge of danger. Did I believe my own warning thoughts that I would regret looking into the book? Did I take my own logical, rational side seriously? Was I ever good at resisting my own impulses?
I’ve never been addicted to anything, but then again, I never really had the opportunity, as it were; my friends were more of a no-alcohol types and I really ever smoked cigarettes once. I’ve never seen drugs in real life. So who’s to say if I’m not an addictive personality? And this, this was addictive. The thrill of mystery, the exhilarating process of learning, the anticipation of the answers.
Was it ever really my choice?
No supernatural force guided my steps that night; no cold fingers made me kneel next to the book and carefully cradle it in my arms, looking at the page with a shaky breath and tears in my eyes, as if I was coming back home like the prodigal son. But I’m sure it was by some paranormal means that this time I could understand the text on the pages.
I honestly don’t remember what it said. As I read the unfamiliar words, the meaning presented itself in my mind, not entirely unlike that first “vision” I had in the attic; as soon as I started reading I knew that I had made the choice and there was no turning back. That cold draft enveloped me, sat on my skin, and started to bite; I felt that smell again, stronger than ever before, something intangible but unmistakably inhuman . It was then that I realized that’s what had felt wrong to me about the smell since the beginning. It was inferior and alien. My hands started shaking as my eyes, glued to the text, moved now on their own down the page, drinking the words in. I was terrified out of my mind, but the pleasant tingling along my nerves was back, the anticipation of the promised understanding.
My mind was drowned with the tide of knowledge. This was just a prologue; a true discovery would require preparation, but I was almost ready. The voice said I was chosen, that I was a perfect candidate to bring It what It needs and that I would be rewarded. I cried tears of amazement and horror at the sheer scope of the voice – it seemed to encompass the entire world. I couldn’t comprehend it, but I didn’t know then that it was a blessing. I wanted to know, I craved to know what It was and how I could be of use to something so powerful, so huge. Divine. That was a word that crossed my mind, as much as I don’t like that. I don’t like many things, but I can’t change any of them.
The voice said I’m on the right path. I would Know and Understand. First, I needed to do something. As It told me what that was, doubt started to creep up to my mind. What was I doing? What was happening? How could this be real?
I came to on the floor by my front door, the cursed book in hand, with a tear-stained face and a bloody nose.
I knew what I had to do to get ready and, as I calmed down and went over everything in my head, I was surprised by how trivial it was. Honestly, by this point I was kind of afraid It would tell me to hurt someone, so I was glad this was just about reading a bunch of words in a specific location at a specific time. I was aware of the fact that this was most probably a ritual, and I was quite apprehensive. I kept arguing with myself in my head, over and over whether I should follow through, but deep down I knew that I would, no matter what I told myself. This part, I think, scared me the most; how compelling the promise of knowledge was, how reverently I’d found myself thinking of the book and its owner (which I assumed was the voice), how fanatical some of my thoughts sounded. I’ve never been religious, never really felt idealistic either. I was always focused on facts, on the here and now. Can knowledge be an ideal? Can you be a fanatic of Seeing and Knowing?
How much had I changed since I’d found Punctum Visus in that old attic.
I found a good, quiet spot, on the north-west side of the New Forest National Park near Southampton. I told no one about this, deeming it unimportant. I would come back after my big discovery, I would explain everything. I laugh at myself now; at my naivety.
The night of April 28 th was clear, and the starry sky looked back at me as I parked my car on the road in the forest and locked it. I tied a piece of a long red string to the wheel, not to lose my way in the forest, and started to walk forward. I held the book close to my chest, as if it could protect me from the dark, eerie outlines of the trees, swaying gently on the wind and whatever the darkness around me held. I didn’t light the torch; the moon was nearly full, bathing everything in its gentle light, and besides, for some reason it seemed that the crude yellow light would somehow break the sanctity of what I was about to do. I could see the ground in front of me and managed to lose sight of my car and everything else besides trees pretty fast.
I stopped when I found a small clearing. The moon was high in the sky, shining down on me like a big eye; I didn’t know why this comparison seemed the most fitting, but it did. I took a deep breath, feeling a chill plant little dots all over my skin, making my hairs stand on end. The wind died down and the trees froze, as if in anticipation. I felt something watching me closely; I was not alone here anymore.
The realization made my breath catch in my throat and the last streaks of sanity broke through my thick skull. Run! Drop the book and run! I didn’t. My hands trembled, my muscles tensed, and I stood there, frozen with fear as something stared at me, seemingly for eternity. Something bigger than me, bigger than anything I have ever seen was watching me, waiting. My eyes dropped to the book in my arms. The black leather was warm, as always, but this time I felt a pulsating sensation from it. A heartbeat.
I screamed. The book landed discarded on the ground, and I stumbled backwards and tripped, landing in the grass as well. It was cold and wet, and it glistened with something in the faint moonlight. At first I took it for water, but upon closer inspection I saw it was the grass itself that glittered – a shy rainbow, glowing iridescently in an impossible way. I froze, stunned, for I have never seen such colours before. It seemed utterly alien, something unfitting for the human eye to see; simultaneously beautiful and horrifying.
As I looked around, I noticed that everything alive in the forest – the trees, the grass, the bushes, the plants – had taken on that iridescent mixture of faint light that prickled my eyes and sent a shiver of terror down my spine. It was beautiful, utterly gorgeous in a way that nothing a human eye can perceive could be. It was horrifying in how different, alien, and other it was. My senses could tell this is not of the Earth; not of this reality, not of this world; everything in me that still had common sense tried to recoil from the inferiority of this magnificence and the danger it brought, but I had abandoned common sense a while back. Maybe even when I touched the book for the first time. I stared then, breathless and trembling, at this scenery as if from a fairy tale and decided to lock away my rational thoughts. I wanted to See, to Know; I wanted to experience and if this was the death of me then hell, it was a pretty good way to go. To behold such a sight, I thought, was a reward in and of itself.
Of course, I had no idea what any of it meant. I slowly rose to my knees and patted the ground down until I felt the book. It still pulsated with this heartbeat and the letters etched in the leather glowed with golden light. My hands were sweaty, and I didn’t know whether I was shivering from fear or the cold. I opened the book on the first page.
What I saw was not what I had expected. I remembered that the first page, after the titular one, was the beginning of the introduction, that much I had understood, but now it was a big picture in black and white; a night sky, with an almost full moon and strewn with stars. It was a shot from the ground and treetops could be seen at the edges of the picture. As the book swayed in my hands, the stars glittered, and the perspective shifted ever so slightly, as if it was in 3D. Stricken by a surge of dread and cold certainty, I looked up. My suspicion was right – the picture in the book depicted the exact image that was now above me. I gasped quietly and looked down at the book—
And this is where things started to really go horribly, horribly wrong.
The book was gone. What’s more, the ground was gone too and suddenly everything was not where it should have been. I blinked but it did nothing to ease the dizziness; and when I composed myself enough to register what I was seeing I froze, the most intense horror I have ever experienced crushing my body from all sides and inside out.
I realized that I was Seeing. I was finally Seeing, and I Understood it all.
I don’t know how to convey in words what I saw. I don’t believe it’s possible; humans were never made to see and understand such things. I should have never touched the book, I should have never asked for knowledge. All my life I believed that knowledge was the point; it was a tool, and it was power. I don’t know what I think anymore. I think some knowledge should always be hidden because we were not made to know everything. We can’t , it’s physically impossible for us to comprehend.
For one moment in my life. For one moment I became something else, and I saw the world in the way It sees the world. For one moment I shared a mind with an eldritch being, a thing that is Fear itself, and I saw the Earth through Its Eye. I can’t… I can’t tell you just how horrible it is. How… How meaningless; we’re all intertwined things, guided by strings of web that lead us through life, and we’re all connected in this maze of fear . We’re not individuals; we’re not special. We don’t have souls and none of our experiences matter. We’re just fear. These… These entities are a part of all of us. They’re our fear and they live inside of us, inside of every living creature that can feel fear. Can you comprehend that? How can you be sure you are yourself when there’s a cosmic entity, a power as old as life itself, living you ? And no one has any idea. Nobody knows and if I tell someone they’ll think I’m crazy. Sometimes I think I’m crazy. But deep down I know what I saw. I know it was real. And I’m terrified. I’m terrified because I know that this Being of eyes that I became a part of watches everything I do. I feel Its presence here very strongly, and I guess it makes sense. It will never leave me. It’s a part of me, just like the rest of them; just like they’re all a part of every one of you, yet you have no idea. But I know. And I know I’m all alone with that knowledge, the knowledge that I can’t comprehend, but I know I could in that one moment. It’s a very lonely place to be and I’m scared.
I’m scared as I have never been before; this fear doesn’t leave me anymore. Every second of every day I’m aware I’m watched by something as great as cosmos. I’m aware I shared my mind with that being and it makes my skin crawl.
I don’t know what to do now, but I don’t expect any advice from you. I’m leaving the book with you, as proof. Its heart doesn’t beat anymore, and I’ve seen what I was supposed to.
Don’t read it.
Notes: If you enjoyed it, please consider leaving me a comment!! For people interested in a little bit of background: Lyria is a D&D character I have created that still awaits her chance to play in a campaign. She's an arcane scholar that has a dark little secret of actually being a warlock of a being she doesn't know a lot about. She's in love with knowledge and she seeks to learn about her powers as well as the world around her. I'm currently DMing a Ravenloft campaign and I just couldn't miss the fact how much potential for a corruption arc she has. Then I listened to TMA and I was like, she would definitely become the Avatar of the Beholding.
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goingsunnies-moved · 5 years ago
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a day or two ago i posted sth quick about how much i love this particular flashback,, and a few ppl asked me to elaborate so here you go!! (@iamastrawhatpirate @queerhummingbird )
a few of the reasons why law's backstory is, in my opinion, the best in one piece
i mean..
first, you've got the character focus and increasingly complex objective.
with most backstories (not just from one piece but in general), the main focus is a singular character. there can be multiple others involved, but it generally seeks to deepen the motivations and inner-workings of one, maybe two individuals.
law's flashback, however, doesn't.
yes, it is still about him. he is the central character, and it explores him specifically. but it's also about doffy, and ties together many of his multilayered motivations. and rosi, with his conflicted sense of morality and stubborn compassion. and it provides not only a welcome window to the inner workings of the entire donquixote family, but to the future of dressrosa as a nation. it's more than just an explanation for why law is the way he is, it's relevant and integral to every part of the arc surrounding it (thematically, development-wise, in terms of histories, motivations, and environments...)
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it's not so much an isolated piece of narrative to explore an individual, as a continuation of the dressrosan story and a naturally functioning part of the one piece world.
second, the narrative construction.
the entire flashback was what,, seven chapters?? and yet it told a complete, well-realised, raw story that made me cry my eyes out and fall in love with this series even more. donquixote rosinante was introduced at the beginning of those seven chapters, during those seven chapters experienced a profound and incredible character arc, and within those seven chapters died. he had real emotions and dynamic development and this fandom loves him with our whole heart- and all it took was seven chapters, where he wasn't even the central character.
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if that isn't a perfect testament to oda's character building, i really don't know what is.
on top of that, the storytelling is effective - the bits-and-pieces style of exposition makes perfect sense and is executed really thoroughly and meticulously. and as we progress into the developing plotlines and personal emotional developments (specifically between law and rosinante), i'm quite impressed with oda's ability to express such emotion and character building in such short time. there's not much else to be said about the story structure here- it's just Really Good.
third, the crushing emotional execution.
oh boy, yall knew this one was coming.
one piece excels in the realm of emotional realization. in terms of flashbacks, famously so. i don't think i'm pointing out anything surprising when i say that law's backstory was really, really sad, seeing as that's a characteristic of every flashback in this series. but there are sequences here that far surpassed my expectations in terms of raw emotion, and character depth.
law's backstory is, in my opinion, the saddest in one piece:
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"see, law? there's no need to despair. there will always be a merciful hand of salvation."
that is the line that echoes through his head as he stands over the bleeding corpses of his family. as a ten-year-old.
holy fuck.
the details of his expression, the sequence of events that occur directly before and after the realization that his parents are dead, the promise of an escape slowly draining through his fingertips. the crushing dread. guys, i was absolutely sobbing, and it wasn't even the most emotional scene in this flashback.
for me, the worst part is that the nun who spoke that line to law was right - but the minute he finally got that second chance, that salvation, doflamimgo shot it to death in front of him. for just a minute there, fate was kind. before it simply wasn't.
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and the way oda chose to execute that scene was goddamn powerful. every expression, every word of dialogue or aspect of environment contributed to a picture that, once again, had me absolutely in tears. i mean, corazon's last words to him.... there's no way i could really do the scene justice, but i'll say that the second he stopped being silent (in other words, the second even he knew that rosinante was dead), i was ugly crying my damn eyes out.
also quick side note, law callously mentioning that he hid in a pile of dead bodies to get out of flevance is, uh,
really fucking sad.
fourth (not nessecarily an argument for why law's backstory is The Best but i wanted to express it anyways), this flashback has some really interesting thematic tie-ins with the rest of dressrosa.
(or in fact the rest of the story).
there are quite a few themes explored over the course of the one piece series: justice and the way it is perceived, corruption and abuse of power, obviously the value of friendship. but one that is slightly more subtle and in my opinion underrated, would be the idea of superficial paradise.
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from the outside in, dressrosa seems like such a happy nation. fairies, passion, living trinkets- the citizens love it, and it couldn't seem more prosperous! but underneath the surface, the foundation of the entire country was built on lies; on the blood and sweat of enslaved toys, and the merciless environment of the colosseum and poorer districts. it's just hidden under heaps of full coffers and a power-hungry king.
of course, this is a recurring story theme. dressrosa isn't the only example- there are several others over the course of the series, but the one that i'm trying to get at here is flevance.
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the world govornment and even some of the royal family knew that they were dooming the lives of every single citizen in their actions. yet they continued to do so anyways. they continued to let their people live on in blissful ignorance and their money to accumulate, while underneath the surface it grew worse with every passing day.
in the scenario of dressrosa, it is simply doflamingo who assumes the role of the world govornment, exploiting his people through superficial paradise until every drop of wealth and power is bled dry. and when he realizes that the truth might come out, he too makes the decision to murder every single citizen. flevance, amber lead, dressrosa, and doflamingo- they are all further explorations of the world government's cruel agenda, and unforgiving legacy.
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boymeetsweevil · 5 years ago
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in your court
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Grouping: Reader x B-ball player!Jaehyun (feat. BFF!Hyuck)
Word Count: ~10.8k
Warnings/Themes: Two idiots in love, oc is scary when mad, hyuck is crafty always, jae is a bit intense but he’s just trying his best, gratuitous descriptions of dimples, a kiss!!! sfw!
Prompt: “awkward!oc with his basketball teammate jaehyun. Honestly anything with bff!haechan.”
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“Make sure you don’t make it look shaky.”
Donghyuck puts the phone camera close to his face so he can better see your handiwork through the video call. He looks a bit like a fish, but you can’t see him because you’re focused on the mirror in front of you.
“Remind me why I’m being forced to do this?”
“Because I’m your best friend and I deserve a sign just as much as Jisung and Johnny.”
You have to stop yourself from rolling your eyes so you don’t mess up the number 14 you’re drawing carefully onto your cheek in eyeliner. Although you hate to see good makeup go to waste, you’re trying to be a better friend while also trying not to accidentally write the number backwards. It’s Donghyuck’s new number this season and he begged you to show some team spirit despite the fact that you normally mix with sports the same way oil mixes with water. The last time you showed up at practice was the first day of the season and you fell from the third courtside bleacher after Donghyuck called you over to introduce you to a cute new walk-on team member. If anything, just being around sports is dangerous for you.
A minute later, you sneeze while holding the pencil and draw a huge line straight through all your hard work. Donghyuck literally screams and you hang up the call to focus. When you finally finish redrawing on the side of your face, there’s half an hour left before the first home game of the spring season starts. You grab the matching construction paper sign you made earlier, complete with a huge gold glitter 14, and head out the door.  Taeyong is supposed to pick you up so you can make it to the gym on time. He’s the only other friend you have who is remotely associated with sports and that’s only because he’s dating one of the players, Doyoung.
The ticket Donghyuck gave you days ago places you near the court’s side with a near-perfect view. You settle in and wait for the game to begin. The team is already out on half of the court, doing some light warmup tosses and making the occasional mean eye at the visiting team practicing on the other half. You catch your best friend’s eye and he lights up when he sees the sign and eyeliner drawing.
“Check me out, Hyuck!” 
You turn to give him a full view of your profile, subtly proud of your skills.
“Look at you,” he drawls as he jogs over to you, “You know, I think this is the best your eyeliner has ever looked.”
“God, you’re so annoying.” 
You try your best to cast an elbow at him without disturbing the still slightly wet glitter on the sign. When you nearly take out the old man sitting directly in front of you, you settle for flipping him off.
“Wait,” Taeyong peers at the sign, “Aren’t you—”
“I think Doyoung said he was looking for you. Something about wanting a good luck kiss.”
Taeyong narrows his eyes but still stands up to go look for said boyfriend. Doyoung’s not the nervous type, but he’s also not the type to say no to some pre-game affection. You watch Taeyong disappear towards the locker room while Donghyuck steps over some of the fans already seated and takes the now open spot next to you.
“Hey,” he says with no trace of humor in his voice any longer. “Promise you’ll still be my friend after this game?”
You place the sign on your lap and turn to look at your friend. Lately the coach has been pushing him harder and you suppose it’s starting to wear down his usual confidence. With the hand that’s not covered in little golden glitter flecks, you reach down to rub his shoulder.
“Of course I will, Hyuck. And even if you guys don’t win tonight, I’m still taking you to get food after. My treat.”
It was supposed to be a rare moment of sincere friendliness. But this seems to distress him further because he looks down at your hand on his arm and then groans before covering his face in his hands. You’re confused but you don’t have any time to ask him what’s up. A few of his teammates walk over then.
“Sorry to break up the love fest, but Coach wants us to do some stretches before the whistle,” team captain Johnny says, gesturing to the other side of the gym where some other players are already contorting themselves. 
Behind Johnny stands that new walk-on. The one you fell on your face in front of. He takes in your temporary face tattoo and overly detailed sign and smirks, allowing a dimple to wink at you. You can only hope to every deity in the universe that he doesn’t remember the way you first met.
“Hey,” he smiles good-naturedly. “Glad to see you made it here in one piece.” 
“Thank you,” you say with way too much sincerity.
It’s enough to knock Donghyuck out of his bad mood and make him snort loudly beside you. The new guy smiles a bit wider, revealing a twin dimple. You look away.
“Don’t get too friendly, Jung,” Donghyuck says with fake menace in his voice. “There’s only room for one Dream Team member in her life, and that’s me.”
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize you guys were—”
“We’re just friends,” you blurt out before looking down at the fascinating liver spots on the old man’s head in front of you.
“Yeah, she wishes.”
“I definitely don’t,” you snap.
He sticks his tongue out at you. “Well, I’m glad you don’t.” 
“Guys, come on!” Johnny calls a moment before the coach’s whistle blows to give a final warning.
As they walk over to the side of the gym you curse yourself for acting so weird in front of that Jung kid. If he didn’t think you were a dope when you tripped over nothing the first time you met, you’re certain he thinks you have the charms of a 13 year-old boy by now. The only thing that snaps you out of it is the fact that Donghyuck is in a time of distress and clearly needs his friend. 
With squared shoulders and a new sense of duty, you try your hardest to be the world’s best cheerleader. You’re not really sure how sports work, basketball included. The game itself turns out to be really fun. Even though you’re not quite sure what’s happening. Taeyong sends you a text with a picture of your own mildly confused face contorted into a pout as you raise your handmade sign a moment too late, after everyone has already sat back down. But eventually you figure it out after enough times of standing when people around you wearing school colors stand up first. You know enough to cheer every time Donghyuck takes the ball to the basket and boo loudly every time he gets knocked down or his shot misses. In fact, you get so into it that you catch yourself cheering for other players. You even make the mistake of cheering once for new kid Jung but immediately stop when he catches a glimpse of you in the stands and shoots you a beaming smile. 
They win by a small margin, thanks to a 3 pointer Johnny shot in the first half of the game. By the time that happens, you feel like you have a good feel for the game. You don’t have to wait for the other fans from your school to stand up when the last buzzer rings, and you instinctively run out onto the court with the rest of them as the final score settles. There’s adrenaline and joy pushing you into Donghyuck’s arms. He’s genuinely surprised but welcomes the greeting, spinning you lightly while he laughs.
“Congrats on the first win of the season,” you shout when you finally pull back. He lets you squish his cheeks in excitement. Doyoung ambles over then, looking for Taeyong. You offer him congratulations as well.
“Thanks,” he smirks a bit as he takes in your large sign and the slightly smudged 14 on your cheek. “Shouldn’t Jaehyun be the first to hear it, though?”
You raise a confused brow.
“Shouldn’t I be the first to hear what?”
You can’t help the way you stumble back against Donghyuck at the deep sound of Jung—no— Jaehyun’s voice. He looks pleased. Probably with the outcome of their first game.
“I was just saying you should get the first ‘congrats’,” Doyoung explains, nodding in your direction. Jaehyun blinks, but takes it in stride.
“I’d be glad to receive it,” he says with a grin. His dimples pop out even more than usual under the sheen of sweat and the glow from the fluorescents. “So, what’d you think? How’d I do?”
You have no idea why but your heart is beating like it’ll fly out of your chest. It takes everything in you to muster up a cool and natural response.
“You throw good.”
Donghyuck, the traitor that he is, gets sent into a cackling fit. If you listen carefully, between the gasps for air and the hyena-pitched giggles you can hear him calling you a dork. You’d turn to yell at him, but he’s right. Doyoung barely covers up his own laughter while leaning on Donghyuck’s shoulder to try to disguise the sound as a series of coughs. But Jaehyun merely smiles down at his shoes as if he’s somehow moved by your clunky words.
“Sorry,” you mumble.
“No, I feel like I did well today thanks to your little sign.”
“The sign? Oh. Actually, this is for—” 
In that moment you realize two things. The first is that Jaehyun’s jersey has a big 14 emblazoned on the front of it. Just like the one you spent 10 whole minutes drawing onto your right cheek. And the one you spent 2 hours glittering the night before. The second is that you aren’t nearly as observant as you thought you were. Then you realize a third thing: Donghyuck is slowly creeping away from you as it all clicks together in your head.
When you turn to face your friend, the color has already drained out of his neck. He can see the wheels turning in your head and he raises his hands in a placating gesture, but you cut him off before he can even start. Grabbing at his jersey you make him turn around until you can see the white number 6 emblazoned on the fabric. It’s the same number he had last season, and the season before that.
“Just to clarify,” you begin with an unsettlingly calm voice, “When you asked me earlier if I would still be your friend after the game, you were talking about this, right?”
Donghyuck’s eyes go wide and dart around anywhere but your face. “You know what? I think you’re thinking of my brother, Hyongduck. We look a lot alike, so it’s an honest mistake.”
The coach calling him over in that moment is the only thing that keeps you from eviscerating him on the court with so many witnesses. You let him go, but not without him having to un-pry your fingers from his jersey. Jaehyun watches on with amusement in his eyes and you remember that he saw you nearly Hulk out on your friend.
“So, you actually didn’t know my number was 14?”
You shake your head, “I thought it was Hyuck’s.”
“I see.”
He tilts his head again, with eyes narrowed he looks you over before looking past you to where Donghyuck has finally made it to locker room safety.
“Well,” he fiddles with the chain around his neck, “I’m kind of sad the sign isn’t actually mine.”
“Oh. I mean, you can keep it if you want.”
Jaehyun’s head ducks down a second time, shaking his head at the ground like he heard something funny that you couldn’t hear. He does take the sign out of your hands though. With slow hands, he wraps the construction paper up until all the remaining glitter is safely tucked away.
“What about that one?”
“What do you mean?”
He points at his own cheek to mirror yours. You had forgotten all about the 14 you drew on your face to go with the sign.
“I don’t—I don’t know if you can wrap this one up, you know” you laugh stiltedly.
“Yeah. But I could always take a bit for the road. May I?”
All you can do is let out an eloquent ‘huh’ before he’s reaching out then and swiping away at some of the eyeliner that had moved around during the game. The drag of the pad of his thumb across your cheek should be completely harmless. Donghyuck has been infinitely rougher with his handling of you; one of the privileges of close friendship. And yet it’s this soft touch that has your breath leaving you like he punched it out of you. You swear the corner of his mouth raises, but it could be a trick of the light.
“What are you doing after—”
“I gotta go, sorry. Good game,” you toss over your shoulder before pulling your phone up to your ear like you’re taking a sudden phone call. 
No one has to know that you spend the next few minutes dunking your head under one of the running faucets in an empty locker room to cool your heated face.
---
Nearly 20 minutes later, Donghyuck is tiptoeing out of the men’s locker room. He doesn’t notice the shadow waiting for him. When he deems the coast all clear, he opens up his messaging app and shoots you a text asking for your whereabouts.
“I’m right here.”
He jumps nearly 3 feet in the air before letting the scream that built in his throat turn into a whine. You’re just barely visible in the dark corner of the gym. If he squints you look a bit like his sleep paralysis demon.
“You scared me,” he says as he takes a step back only to hit a wall.
“Funny how that happens.”
You pull out your phone, stilling standing in the dark, and let the light from your phone cast eerie shadows across your face. Donghyuck gulps audibly as he watches you type slowly in response to his text. The sound of his phone notification moments later sounds deafening in the otherwise silent space.
You (21:39) - Run.
“Look, let’s talk this out like adults.” His hands come up, palms exposed like you’re a feral animal.
“I knew you weren’t number 14,” your voice is steady and devoid of emotion as you take a step towards him.
“Then you shouldn’t have fallen for it—shit. Wait!”
He trips in his haste to get away from you and falls. You foot lands dangerously close to his face as you come to stand in over him and he grimaces.
“Please don’t kill me, I’ll do anything.”
“Why did you tell me your number was Jaehyun’s number? Make it good and maybe I’ll let you live.”
“I just felt like it.”
“What the hell!”
“I’m serious.”
“Wrong answer, Hyuck.”
With that, you wriggle a foot free from one of your sneakers and shove your socked foot over his nose. You’ve been wearing the shoes all day and, because you forgot to do laundry the night before, the socks are recycled. The sound of Donghyuck’s cries for help make you slightly better and you smile softly to yourself.
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You would think that Donghyuck would have learned his lesson about not causing chaos in your life after a face-full of foot. But you should know that it’s practically his job description after knowing him for as long as you have. Sometimes you love that about him and sometimes you kind of hate him for it. This time, you hate him for it. 
Donghyuck prefaces the outing as a way of apologizing for tricking you. Normally you would have been slightly more critical. The first thing to tip you off should have been the fact the “apology" in question was coming almost two and a half weeks after the fateful jersey swap accident. The second thing should have been that the “apology” was coming in the form of a trip to a very specific tea house you don’t frequent because you’re not a tea person. And Donghyuck knows this. Because he knows everything else about you. Like which sweatpants you wear when you’re feeling bloated or when you just need a hug. But mainly you should have known something was up because it was Donghyuck. When he feels like he should do something, there’s no stopping him.
“What do you want to order,” he asks while holding the front door open for you to pass through. 
“A smoothie.”
“It’s a damn tea house, order something normal.”
“A smoothie is normal.”
“Do you order hot dogs at seafood restaurants too,” he pins you with a tired glare. You mirror the glare and add crossed arms.
“If they don’t have a smoothie, then I don’t want anything.”
You take a look around at the interior of the shop. It’s the polar opposite of the shops you usually frequent, which are all trendy with their mixes of dark, unfinished woodwork and sleek minimalist furniture. This place is almost cottage-like in the ornateness of the older architecture and the collection of kitschy antique pieces. You’re not surprised to see that a good deal of the patrons are older, some verging on elderly. There’s only a handful of people who look like they could be your peers. One of them looks oddly familiar. You can’t put your finger on it, but there’s something familiar about the way he stands and the delicate gold links laying across the back of his neck.
“Jaehyun,” Donghyuck calls a bit too excitedly, “Hey, man is that you? What are you doing here”
“You told me to meet you—” Donghyuck cuts him off with a dramatic gasp and a glance at his bare wrist.
“Aw, would you look at the time. I actually have somewhere to be right now, so I can’t stick around.”
“But you drove us here,” you whip your head around to look at him, but he coughs suddenly and looks away.
“Yeah, sorry. No time to drop you back off at your place, so I guess you have to figure that out yourself. Jae drives though. Maybe you can figure something out.”
Neither of you really know what to say. You watch silently with your mouth open in disbelief as Donghyuck turns on his heel and struts out of the tea shop exit, whistling contentedly. You suppose that if you’re the god of chaos reincarnated, all of this would feel like a good day’s work. You berate yourself for recently washing your socks.
“Good to see you again,” Jaehyun says after a beat. He shoves his hands into his pockets. “Thought I had scared you off after...yeah.”
“Oh, right. That.”
The air feels both too thick and too thin at the same time. You want to leave, every fiber of your being is screaming at you to leave before you do something weird in front of him again. But you can’t move. So you stand there, 3 feet away and not saying anything as Jaehyun looks over the large chalkboard menu hanging above the head of the older woman who is manning the front counter.
“What are you getting?”
“Me? Uh, I don’t know. I’m not really a tea person.”
“Well, what kind of person are you?”
Given the context, it’s a harmless question. But there’s a sing-songy lilt to the way he asks the question. It’s so blatant that curiosity gets the best of you and you stop purposefully avoiding looking at him. One of his dimples is out and he’s very nearly poking the tip of his tongue out at you, like he knows you’re suffering and he thinks it's funny. Almost like he’s flirting. Almost.
“I’m a smoothie person,” you finally say. “But there’s no smoothies on the menu.”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
“But doesn’t it say ‘no customizations’?” 
There’s a sign on the edge of the counter that says just that. Despite the fact that it’s written in beautiful, looping cursive, there’s an ominous tone to the message. Like the little old lady behind the counter might actually make you into tea if you asked for a frappe or something. You’re a little worried for Jaehyun’s safety. He must sense some sort of hesitance because he brushes it off and gestures toward the rest of the shop.
“Don’t worry about that. I’ll take care of it, you can go grab us a table.”
The way he says ‘us’ so casually has you tripping slightly over nothing. He’s somehow there in the nick of time to grab at your elbow in a gentlemanly fashion to help steady you. Perhaps you yank yourself out of his proximity a little too quickly. But it’s only because you really want to find a good table and you can’t do that if Jaehyun is distracting you by grabbing at your limbs. 
In actuality, though, the tea shop is fairly vacant. There are a variety of tables with pressed white tablecloths and dainty tiered tea trays housing pastries. You pick one at random and sit down. Part of you really does wish you’d left when Donghyuck did. But the other part is curious to see what Jaehyun’s like when he’s away from his team and truly outside the context you usually find him in. So you compromise and watch as subtly as you can.
He seems fairly similar—all charming smiles and pretty hair while approaching the counter to talk with the lady you assume is the owner of the shop. She looks stern as she polishes some dainty bone china, but brightens when he comes to the counter. You watch in quiet awe as she reaches a hand up to pat fondly at the side of his face, most likely pinching a cheek from the angle you’re sitting at. You see him run a hand over the back of his neck which grows red after he says something to her that she must not like. Her brow grows heavy and her lips purse but he says something else then that has her directing her sharp gaze at you. You gulp and pretend you were merely admiring the tea sandwich tray on the table as opposed to spying. A wave of sudden embarrassment comes over you and you open up your phone to text Donghyuck
You (15:38) - this is a shit apology just so u know
You (15:38) - come get me plz
Hyuck (15:40) - sorry suddenly cant read dont know what that says :)
You place your phone face down onto the table and cross your arms with a huff. While trying to plan an escape that makes you look the least asshole-y possible, Jaehyun returns with the drinks. More specifically, he returns with a tall water glass in one hand that’s filled with a pale tea with fruit chunks and mint leaves sprinkled throughout. The other hand is encased in a floral appliqué oven mitt that holds the prettiest squat little teapot you’ve ever seen. It’s blue, so it doesn’t match the pastel green teacups organized on the tablecloth, but it’s still a lovely sight.
“What’s this,” you stir at the fruit in the glass with an elegant teaspoon.
“It’s a chilled fruit tea,” he explains while casually pouring himself a steaming cup of black tea. “I tried my hardest with Mrs. Li, but there was no way I was gonna get you a smoothie. This is the closest thing I could get.”
“You really didn’t have to go to all that trouble. I would have been fine with just a water. I don’t want to get you in trouble with the owner.”
“Don’t worry. I think my reputation is fine for now.”
It’s weirdly fascinating to watch him fix up his tea. As a member of a basketball team, you would have never thought he’d be a tea drinker. Let alone a tea drinker who takes heaping spoonfuls of sugar to go with a tiny splash of milk in his tea. He hums a little to himself as he stirs it all with a silver spoon that’s been crafted to look like roses are growing up the stem. When he looks up a moment later, he catches you staring at him. His eyes crinkle and they look like they did when he looked at you after shooting a 3 at the latest home game, full of quiet joy. Both then and now you’re not sure what the smile means or why it seems to be for you. You look down and realize his lips are moving.
“What?”
He chuckles at how far away you sound. “I said ‘how’s the tea?’”
“Oh, uh, I don’t know yet. I got distracted. I was...thinking.”
“Mhm.” There’s smugness practically oozing out of his thoughtful hum.
You take a sip to appease him and frantically search for something to say that won’t make it obvious that you aren’t a fan of tea, but then you stop yourself. It’s no smoothie, but it really is the next best thing. The tea is cold like a smoothie, providing the same reprieve from the sticky heat of Spring. The tea with all its macerated berries and mint leaves is sweet and thick much like a smoothie.
“This is amazing,” you peer down at the cup like you’re not sure where half the glass went.
A light weight lands on your shoulder then. “That’s very kind of you, dear. High praise coming from a non-tea-drinker.”
It takes a lot of effort not to scream and even then your eyes open comically wide and you jump in your seat. Jaehyun has to disguise his laughter at your reaction by turning away in his seat as you turn in yours to face the old lady who was at the counter.
“I’m sorry for any trouble you went to so you could make this, Mrs. Li, Ma’am. I told Jaehyun that I wanted a smoothie and he was just trying to make me feel comfortable.”
“Oh, I know. Jaehyun’s been coming to the shop since I opened it, so he should know all about my ban on requests.” Mrs. Li eyes Jaehyun as he takes an innocent sip of his tea. “He’s always been courteous about it, so I thought he must have a darn good reason for breaking my rule this time.”
Jaehyun’s hand slips while pouring a second cup, but he doesn’t say anything as Mrs. Li continues to expose him. 
“Now, that reminds me. Jaehyun, my boy, I’m sorry to tell you that Kevin won’t be coming to his sessions this week. He has a dentist appointment and it can’t be helped,” she sighs and waves her hands.
“That’s alright. As long as he practices a little every day he should be in good shape and we can pick up right where we stopped.”
She nods and for a moment the serious expression on her face morphs into something softer. Patting the back of his chair, she looks over the table and then at you.
“Alright. I hope everything is to your liking, but if something does come up do feel free to tell Jaehyun. He’s a very capable young man and he knows the shop like the back of his hand. I’d better get back to work now. The silver won’t polish itself.”
You wait a few beats to be respectful, but as soon as Mrs. Li returns to her post behind the counter you gulp down the rest of your tea and lean in. 
“Who’s Kevin?”
“Her 9 year old grandson. I teach him and his younger brother piano on the weekends.”
“Oh, that’s—that’s nice,” you nod coolly. At least, you hope it appears cool. Internally you’re scrambling.
Of course your best friend’s basketball teammate teaches piano to young kids. Of course he helps the elderly tea shop lady with her store. Of course he drinks sweet tea out of blue floral teacups. Of course.
He’s finally ready to go after a third cup. You’re not sure where he’s putting it all, but it seems to be a regular occurrence for him. He takes your glass from you before you can argue about your own ability to do it and walks back over to the counter. Now more than ever you wish you could read lips. He goes around the counter to wash the glass in the farmer’s sink in the back and then stops briefly to say something to Mrs. Li. She says something back with a smile that has his cheeks flaming. He leaves a bill on the counter and comes back mumbling about his tea being too hot when you stare at his face. You’re not sure how true that is given how fast he downed those cups.
When you emerge from the tea shop, the sun is shining from a different angle and the temperature has mellowed out.
“My car is a few blocks that way,” he points in the direction of the parking lot nearby. 
“You don’t have to—”
“I want to.” Even with his soft tone, his voice is firm and you don’t try to fight him on it.
But it’s strange walking with Jaehyun silently. It feels entirely too companionable despite the fact that you don’t even know him. 
“Do you...want to play 20 questions?”
He stops in his tracks, clearly not expecting you to talk without him coaxing you out of your shell. But after the initial shock fades, he nods.
“What’s your favorite color?”
“White,” he says immediately. “What’s your major?”
“Studio art. Do you play other sports?”
“Nah. Is Donghyuck your best friend?”
“Yeah, Hyuck’s my best friend.”
“Is he...protective?”
“Protective? Of what?”
“You, I guess.”
“Hyuck?” You let out a snort because the thought is just hilarious. “On the right day I’m pretty sure he’d sell me to Satan for a fresh order of sweet potato fries.”
“I see,” he purses his lips like he’s in deep thought before returning back to the present moments later. “You get two since I asked two.”
“Do you like it here, now that it’s been a while since you transferred?”
“Yeah,” he looks you in the eyes. “I like it here.”
You swallow a bit too audibly but power through and keep asking questions. It takes nearly half an hour to walk the two and a half blocks leading to the parking lot. Even after that, Jaehyun takes a scenic route back to the main campus. When he pulls up outside your dorm, you’re not sure what to say, but it feels like something should be said. The sun is near setting and he’s haloed by the dying rays as he leans on the steering wheel to make sure you make it inside.
After giving a little awkward nod, you drag yourself out of the cabin of his car. There’s only a few steps left until you reach the door when he calls out. You turn.
“So,” he trails off, drumming his hands on the steering wheel before adjusting the mirror even though he’s in park and no one is coming. “Donghyuck has, like, a million fans.”
“What?”
“I just mean that he’s been on the team for years, he has a fan base. But I’m just a transfer student, so I don’t have that. And, you know, it’s really nice to have someone to cheer for you.” He tests the waters and looks at you hesitantly before continuing. “I still have your poster.”
All you can do is blink as you realize what’s going on. Or, you think you know what’s going on. And it makes zero sense to you, but you have a habit of overthinking things anyway. You kick at a pebble near the toe of your shoe, taking some time to muster up the courage to be presumptuous in a way you’re not used to.
“I can...I can make you another sign. If you want. Or like wear your number.” He grins and in that moment it seems to outshine the fading sun. “So you don’t feel left out.”
“I’d like that.” He starts the car up then, still grinning as he looks down to shift gears and adjust all his mirrors yet again. “Tell Hyuck he doesn’t need to set aside tickets anymore.”
“Okay,” is your witty reply before turning once more with a too warm face.
He waves at your retreating back before putting the car into drive.
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Everyone on the team knows that every once in a while Donghyuck likes to come to practice a lot earlier than is probably normal. It’s not strange to come in when there’s 30, 40, even 50 minutes before practice starts and find him practicing footwork or doing layups on the court alone. 
Jaehyun hedges a guess that he’ll find Donghyuck in the gym a good hour before practice starts one day and is pleased to find that his intuition was correct. There’s music blasting from a portable speaker and Donghyuck is doing some of the drills the coach likes to run, but done with his non-dominant hand.
When the ball rolls to a stop and Donghyuck moves to get some water, Jaehyun announces himself.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” 
“You quitting already?”
“Not yet,” Donghyuck takes in the serious set of Jaehyun’s jaw and shoulders. “We can do a 1-on-1. If you’re up for it.”
Jaehyun nods and sheds his outer layers on the sidelines. Donghyck wonders if he’s angry about something, perhaps that about practice a few days ago where he went a little too hard on Jaehyun and bashed his cheek with an elbow during a scrimmage. He braces himself for some incoming aggression, knowing he may deserve it a little.
They settle for leaving the ball on the ground in the paint since the equipment cabinet is still locked until the coach arrives. Both of them sprint from the freethrow line, with Jaehyun grabbing the ball first. Donghyuck moves into defense easily, having been in game mode for who knows how long. Jaehyun isn’t nearly as tough in his offense as Donghyck expected. In fact, he’s playing surprisingly light.
“What’s up with you,” Donghyuck says after the first basket.
Jaehyun catches the ball after it falls from the basket, jogging it back to the starting position. Donghyuck waits for him back at the freethrow line, brows raised but otherwise silent.
“Nothing’s up. Nothing big, I mean.”
“You’re a pretty bad liar.”
The words catch Jaehyun by surprise and he stumbles a bit coming off the line. Donghyuck uses the momentary shock to his advantage and steals the ball. The point comes easy as he basically runs a circle around his competitor.
“Since I won that point, why don’t you tell me what’s really bothering you?”
Donghyuck doesn’t bother going back to the freethrow line and instead goes back to dribbling practice. His rhythm is slow with his off hand, but steady. Better than Jaehyun’s with his off hand.
“Do you believe in bro code?”
Donghyuck snorts. “I guess. You’re not gonna ask me for my mom’s phone number, are you?”
“No. Not your mom’s,” Jaehyun trails off.
Instantly Donghyuck knows what this is about. Or who. Your face flashes in his mind and he has to bite his own cheek to keep from laughing. Being your best friend gives him exclusive access to just how awkward you can be. But the fact that Jaehyun resorted to all this buildup is kind of hilarious.
“Aw, you guys are cute.”
“What?” Jaehyun’s cheeks grow pink. “Why is this cute?” 
“Look, you don’t need to ask me first or do whatever this is. I’m not her keeper. And I’m not gonna sabotage you, either.” Jaehyun’s shoulders lose some of their squared off edge.
“Okay,” he nods. “Thanks, man.”
“I could use a favor, though.”
“Oh. What is it?”
“I have a meeting with Coach after practice today. But I also really need to pick something up at the stationery store before tomorrow. Can you go pick it up for me?”
“Sure, I guess.”
“Cool. I’ll text you the details later.”
---
Jaehyun arrives at the stationery store with his phone in hand. The note from Donghyuck mentions some special set of paints with a foreign-sounding name. As he walks through the aisles of the little store, Jaehyun wonders who the paints are for. The note also mentioned that they were a gift for someone, but it doesn’t say who the someone is.
It takes a few laps around the store, and by the time he spots the little nook for the brand, the store owner's voice had already sounded through the overhead speakers to say that the shop would be closing soon. He grabs the last box left and quietly rejoices. Donghyuck had bartered your number for the price of running the errand. If Jaehyun could get the paints, then he could get the number. The odd part was that Donghyuck had mentioned something about Jaehyun possibly not even needing to ask him for the number if he played his cards right. Originally he had shrugged the comment off, but it did raise the hairs on the back of his neck a bit. There’s something about Donghyuck that feels akin to a cartoon villain, but Jaehyun can’t put his finger on it.
“Checking out?”
“Yeah,” he hands the shop attendant the container of paints.
The attendant tries to scan the barcode, but a strange sound comes from the machine.
“I think something’s wrong with the barcode. If you can wait right here, I’ll go get another one to scan and give you that one instead.”
“Oh. That was actually the last one left.”
“I see.” The attendant presses some keys on the computer before nodding. “I think we should have a reference code in that backroom. I can go get that and punch it in manually if that’s okay.”
“If it’s not too much trouble, that would be great.”
The attendant assures him it’ll only be a moment before leaving the counter and disappearing into the back of the store. Jaehyun waits patiently while leaning on the counter when the bell to the front door of the shop rings. Another customer has come in right before closing, and the sound of their labored breathing makes it clear that they know they’re cutting it close. The footsteps fade out and then grow louder once more after a few minutes. He takes a glance over his shoulder to see you standing a little bit behind him.
“Oh. Hi. H-hey.”
“Hey, yourself.” Jaehyun turns completely and sets his phone on the counter. “What brings you here?”
“I’m just grabbing some paint. I ran out a few days ago and I have some big projects coming up.”
“That’s funny. I’m doing the same thing.”
“Do you paint,” your eyes grow a little bigger with the prospect. At the sight of your small smile, Jaehyun wishes he could paint for the first time ever.
“No, but I’d like to learn.” And it’s never been true before, but he means it in that moment.
“Well, I could—”
“Sorry for the delay,” the shop attendant comes jogging back from the backroom. “Another employee had the reference book, so I had to spend some time to hunt it down. But you should be all set now.”
Jaehyun sends an apologetic smile your way before turning back to finish checking out. Once he’s done, even though he’s on a tight schedule with this favor, he hangs back.
“—I’m sorry but we sold out of the Neo Color Technology paints. If you’d like, we can give you a call when the next shipment comes in, but there’s a two-week wait.”
“Ah, really? Okay.” 
You gnaw on the inside of your cheek as you think about what you’ll do now. The idea of continuing some of your projects with a new set of paints that could have a completely different set of hues makes you nervous. You just perfected the shade of green you needed at the base for your huge forest study. Now you’d have to start from scratch.
Jaehyun is trying his hardest not to eavesdrop, but the odd paint name catches his attention. It’s the same one he just bought, per Donghyuck’s request.
“You can have mine,” he blurts out. “I’m the one who bought the last ones. But I obviously don’t need them like you do.”
“Are you sure?”
“Please, take them.”
Jaehyun hands you the bag. The smile you offer him in return is brilliant.
“I’ll pay you back.”
“God, no. Don’t worry about it.”
“Then, let me buy you a tea or something at least.” You hand him your phone. “Here, put your number in and you can pick a day. I’ll pay.”
So Jaehyun takes your phone and inputs his number. A moment later he gets a text from you, clarifying that it’s you. He feels victorious for a moment and then confused. Here he is, getting your number without having to ask, just like Donghyuck himself had mentioned. He’s getting this number because he gave you, Donghyuck’s friend, some paints. Paints that Donghyuck asked him to buy, as a gift to a mysterious friend. 
Maybe Donghyuck is less like a villain and more like a twisted fairy godmother.  
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This little dance you keep doing with Jaehyun is strange, to say the least. 
It felt odd to copy the number 14 onto your cheek for the first time knowing who it would really be for. And it felt weird to get so used to doing it that you can now copy the stencil in with practiced ease using the face paint you bought specifically for the occasion, no longer worrying about accidentally writing it backwards. All the while, you can barely make eye contact with him after a game, although you can practically feel the weight of his gaze when you make a beeline for Donghyuck after the last buzzer rings. And you can see the way his hand tugs at the gold chain around his neck as he approaches you cautiously. And you can hear the disappointment in his tone when he asks if you’re going to the house parties thrown by one of the players that typically follow the games only to hear you say no each time.
Another few weeks later finds you trying to make it through midterms. Donghyuck being a literature major means his midterms schedule is always different from yours. This time his midterms end much earlier, a few days earlier to be exact. You’re left to suffer through late night crunches to finish up paintings for one of your crits. Photoshopping some pieces for your digital art class leaves you so busy you don’t even register what’s going on around you.
“It’s my turn to host the post-game party,” he says after letting himself into your apartment one day. He drops the spare keyring reserved for him in the dish near the front door.
“Mhm.”
“But I feel like it would be a nice change to have it here.” When he makes a big show of dropping the takeout he brought you, you don’t even flinch at the sound of it hitting the table you’ve taken over.
“Sounds good,” is all you say as you try to find the one layer out of the 25 you had that you were looking for.
“Great, so I’ll probably stop by on Friday with stuff before the game to set up and then the team can just come through afterwards.”
“Sure.”
“Don’t hate me,” he places a kiss on the top of your head before wrinkling his nose when he smells your unwashed hair. “And don’t work yourself too hard, either.”
“Yeah...definitely.”
Friday comes by and you’re still working, so you have to skip the actual game itself. In the brief window of free time you had that morning, you wonder if you should text Jaehyun again so you can tell him you won’t be coming or bringing your little hand stenciled 14. But you decide against it. It’s a big game and he doesn’t need to be bogged down by unnecessary texts.
You’re actually away at your first crit when Donghyuck stops by again, this time with party supplies. When you come back, you barely register the mountain of beers and cheap wines sitting in your kitchen. All you want to do is sleep like the dead for a few hours. As you zombie walk to your room, you swear you hear him call to you to ask if he can store his balloons in the sink. With your last two brain cells you figure he must have said something else and you were just too tired to actually comprehend it.
Hours later, bass blaring through the thin walls of your place wakes you from your slumber. The details of your conversation with Donghyuck a few days prior come flooding back just as you pick up your pepper spray to drive out what you thought were home intruders. You leave your weapon behind and open your door just slightly. The music washes over you, louder now that the seal to your bedroom has been broken. 
There’s plenty of voices coming outside that accompany the music. Even a few errant screams make it inside and to your ears. Courtesy of Chenle, no doubt. A few more brave steps outside your room and a glance out of the hallway window lets you know that you didn’t mishear Donghyuck. You see several of the guys chucking water balloons at one another on the grass outside. The pile of little teardrop-shaped balloons is admirably large and it becomes clear that they’ll be doing this for a while.
You’re not in the mood to get soaked or get mosquito bites just so you can seem friendly. After all, the party is being hosted in your apartment complex. That’s friendly enough, you reason. Once you’ve done a quick sweep through the rest of the apartment to make sure nothing is stolen, stained, or broken, you return to your room to get ready for bed properly. It takes a while because you have to wash your hair on top of everything else after receiving a very strongly worded text from Donghyuck.
While in your bathroom, brushing your teeth and watching a video Taeyong sent you, there’s jumbled knocking on your door. Barely any time passes between the last knock and the creak of someone leaning on your door as they open it. You curse to yourself before spitting in the sink.
“Hey, the bathroom for guests is actually—”
Jaehyun stands in the middle of your room, squinting at the tapestry you have hanging over your bed. The sound of his teeth chattering despite it being the peak of Spring is actually alarming enough to stop you from being mad that Donghuck didn’t think to put a clear sign towards the bathroom for the general public.
“I always thought your room would have candles in it,” Jaehyun drawls. He looks around once more like he’s hoping a candle will jump out of a hiding spot. All his movements are slow and sleepy.
“Are you drunk?”
He grins with eyes that droop closed. “Yep.” 
“Great,” you mumble. When you take a step closer you realize the dark red sleeveless tank he’s wearing is actually dark from being saturated with water. “Why are you wet?”
“Hm? Oh, yeah. We played water balloon tag. I lost the last round.”
Jaehyun places a clumsy finger to his lips and stage-whispers a loud “shh”. For some reason you mirror that back to him. He nods, satisfied with your reaction.
“Don’t tell the others, but I...” he hiccups “I got cold, so I came inside.”
“What’s wrong with telling them you’re cold.” He hangs his head in shame then. Clearly you’re missing something important.
“Hyuck says bad bitches never get cold.”
With his shoulders slumped forward in such a pitiful fashion, you actually feel bad for wanting to laugh. It’s surprising. Super surprising actually, considering Jaehyun’s presence in your room means Donghyuck forgot to do the one thing you ask of him when he hosts parties at your place—put clear signs for drunk people to follow to the guest bathroom. You usually don’t want to deal with drunk student athletes, but something about Jaehyun makes him exempt from that.
“You can warm up here.”
As soon as you say the words, you cringe. It sounds like the awful beginnings of a bad porno, but your intentions really are pure. There’s something too sad about watching him nearly doze off while standing up like a newborn colt. So you go and find the best hoodie that you have in your clean laundry and you risk going to the kitchen and getting hit with a runaway water balloon so you can put water on for tea. Hopefully it will warm him up while also sobering him up a little.
“Is this Hyuck’s shirt,” he asks as soon as you return with a steaming mug.
“Uh, I think so.” You take a moment to appraise the hoodie. “Yeah, it’s his. It’s from one of his basketball camps from when we were younger, I think.”
He purses his lips but gratefully takes the mug with swaying hands. After taking a large sip, he hums and lets his head loll back with a smile.
“This is Mrs. Li’s blend.”
“Yeah.” 
It doesn’t seem right to tell him that you’ve been back there a couple times now and have started trying to get into tea. You take the time to put some distance between him and you. You walk to your bed and fluff a pillow that doesn’t need fluffing. The thing is that Jaehyun being in your room feels...weird. He looks all too content and comfortable in the space. That’s not to say he doesn’t suit the environment well. Somehow he looks like he belongs in your room with his soaked tank top and damp hair. You fluff the pillow harder.
“You must be tired,” he says after a long silence. He’s finished his tea but his eyes are still glassy.
“What?”
“Donghyuck told me ‘bout all your projects. Told me you had to draw him for one.”
“Oh, yeah I did. People actually loved that piece the most. But it took me the shortest amount of time.”
“Next time,” he begins ambling across the room, coming to place the empty mug on your bedside table. “Next time, you can ask me to model. If you want.”
“I mean, I only asked Hyuck since he was watching TV and he was there. Plus I know his face so well that it doesn’t even matter if he talks while I paint. The company is kind of nice.”
“Well, you can do it with me next.”
He’s drunk, you remind yourself. He doesn’t realize how strange what he’s saying is. And yet, your face still heats up. The sound of his teeth chattering lightly again reminds you how he got to be in your room in the first place. Jaehyun hugs himself as he continues to check out your room with a small smile on his face. He looks content.
“Do you want to get in,” you offer before your brain can process what your mouth has just done. His eyes go wide.
“Excuse me?” 
“Not—I mean, you just...look really cold and tired. Plus I heard you guys lost the game tonight, so the coach had you hauling ass after.” At the sight of his mildly amused face, tongue nudged between his teeth you add, “I don’t mean you should stay the night. It could just be for a bit and then you could, like, get up and call a cab home. But I get it if you’d rather not. Actually, I can just go see if Hyuck is around. I think he brought his—”
“No, no, stay,” he replies quickly to keep you from jumping out of bed. “I could use the rest.”
He turns around to shrug off the wet tank and pull on the hoodie, mumbling something about ‘not wanting to get your sheets wet’. Internally you wonder if you’re being laughed at by the gods while staring politely at nothing in the other corner of the room. You scoot over from your position in the middle of the bed to the side opposite him. He rewards your kindness with a flash of a bright smile before moving to pull back the covers.
His face lands directly in one of your pillows and you panic when you realize your sheets aren’t fresh out the washer. Jaehyun doesn’t seem to mind and lets out a sigh before shivering a little. With the hood over his hair, you can barely make out his eyes but you can tell they’re trained on you.
“You sure this is okay,” he whispers. 
“Yeah.”
The bed shifts minutely as he turns a little to get more comfortable. It feels hot in the bed all of the sudden. Despite the fact that you have on weather appropriate pajamas and your most lightweight Spring bedding on. Despite the fact that you’re not laying close enough to him to be able to feel any body heat. Maybe it’s warmer outside than you thought. That’s probably it.
---
When you wake up several hours later, it’s to the sound of clanking in your living room. The other side of the bed is empty and you try not to read into it. It wasn’t supposed to be a full night over, after all. You swing your feet over the edge of the bed only to squeal when your foot hits something cold in the little rug you keep there.
“What is it!” Donghyuck crashes into the room while holding the trash bag he was collecting loose beer cans with. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just—oh.”
You look down at the rug and see something shiny and metallic as opposed to something wet and slimy. With your index finger and thumb, you pick up a medium length golden chain. It shines even in the low lighting of your bedroom. You both squint at the jewelry, trying to place it.
Donghyuck’s eye grow wide and he looks around the room in disgust suddenly.
“Was he in here?”
“Uh, yeah,” you grumble as you rub your eyes.
“What for?”
When Donghyuck raises an inquisitive eyebrow, your mouth drops open.
“We just slept—”
“You slept together?”
“Hyuck, not like that! What’s your problem?”
“Still, why is he sleeping in here? You never have guys sleep in here.”
“You sleep in here all the time,” you point a finger at him.
“True,” he cedes immediately, pointing a finger back. “Well, you better return that. I think it’s his lucky charm or something.”
“Can’t you do it?” He laughs before returning to the living room. 
“He didn’t leave it in my bed.” 
“I–fine. I don’t need your help anyway.” 
At that, he snorts.
“You do, but I’ll let you keep thinking that you don’t, because I’m a good friend.”
“You’re annoying, that’s what you are.”
You pull on a sweater before coming out of your room with your phone in hand. There’s a companionable silence that falls over you two as you attempt to draft a text to Jaehyun about his chain while Donghyuck picks up the remaining trash from the party.
“How’d everything go,” you ask once the message is sent.
“It was fine. Jae was so gone that we thought he had flushed himself down the toilet for a while. But I guess that’s not what happened.”
Your face heats up at the teasing tone he uses.
“Hyuck, I have something to tell you.”
“God, what? Are you pregnant?”
“No! What the hell? Are you?” You try to swipe at his butt from the back of the couch.
“No! But...can you just say what you’re gonna say? You’re making me nervous.”
He even goes so far as to put the trash down and come around to sit with you on the sofa. You take a deep breath.
“I have a crush on Jaehyun. I just thought you should know.”
He stares at you, not blinking for a few seconds. He opens his mouth and then shakes his head to himself and closes it again.
“I see,” he finally says.
“It’s been going on a while, and I didn’t want to leave you in the dark.”
“Uh-huh.”
“You’re not mad?”
“Nope! I don’t mind being in the shadows. I do some of my best work there.”
“Do you think it could go anywhere?”
“What do you mean,” he throws another can into his bag.
“Like, do you think I have a chance with him?”
Donghyuck turns to stare at you, deadpan. “Do I think you have a chance with Jung Jaehyun? The man who slept in your bed a few hours ago?”
“Yeah.” Your face is completely open and imploring.
He sighs, “I think you might have a shot, sure.”
“Why, though?”
“I don’t know. Just a hunch.”
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The next game of the season is a big one. The team coming in to play is an old school rival, so it draws a crowd that contains even the less sport-inclined students. You manage to get a ticket set away, but it’s still tough trying to find a spot to sit. It’s first come first serve with seats since the gym isn’t big enough to have labeled arena seating. 
Initially you had planned to use the extra time you had before the start to return Jaehyun’s chain, but it took you so long to make it from the parking lot to the gym and then to an open seat that there wasn’t any time left. Somewhere in between, you nearly get knocked over by the heavy current of fans from both teams flooding the space. The chain, once clutched in your hand, ends up around your neck out of fear that you lose it permanently.
You end up in the nosebleeds for the rest of the time. The players look like ants and if it weren’t for the large printed numbers on their jerseys, you might not be able to tell all of them apart. You text Donghyuck your location, and you see him looking towards the back rows at the beginning of the game, but he has to stay focused. You try your hardest to focus as well. At this point, you’re just about fluent in the sport that is basketball. But tonight’s game is hard to follow despite this. Jaehyun grabs your attention instead. He plays especially rough tonight, you note. He pushes hard across the court, even gets a couple warnings for defending like he’s on offense. There’s a fair amount of goals with his name on them as well. It’s exciting and you just wish your cheers could reach him.
More annoyance comes when the game finally ends. It’s a last minute shot by one of the other players who walked on this season that tips the game in your school’s favor. The crowd is deafening, even the ending buzzer is muted by their shouts. The bleachers shake under you with the force of fans running to meet their favorite players and generally gloat in front of the other team on the court. The shaking underneath you is terrifying enough to keep you seated until things have died down. There’s still probably a minimum of hundred people gathered on the floor, but you can at least step over empty concession bags as opposed to being stepped on by the supportive members of the hockey team.
It takes forever to find a single person you know. Of course it’s Donghyuck, who is in the middle of talking with some friends from off the team.
“Hyuck,” you begin to run over. When he sees you, you give him a big smile.
“No,” he responds simply as you get closer.
You slow down and let confusion wrinkle your brow. He offers no further verbal explanation but does give you a swift head nod in another direction. You follow the gesture and find Jaehyun at the end of the path. He looks a bit lost despite being with Doyoung and Johnny.
The fact that the others are there makes you freeze up at first, but the feeling of the chain laying delicately on your clavicle reminds you of what you need to do. Luckily, he sees you before the others do and he steps aside under the guise of getting a fresh towel. He waits for you to catch up once he’s out of their line of sight.
His voice is low, like he’s worried being too loud will make you change your mind about talking with him. But there’s an undercurrent of sincere happiness.
“There you are.”
“I was at the top row. I got here too late to sit where I normally do.”
“Ah. I thought maybe you couldn’t make it.”
“There’s no way I would be able to miss this one. Hyuck threatened to shave my head if I did.”
“That...sounds like him.”
“Yeah,” you chuckle. The nerves are getting to you a bit. You’ve never confessed your feelings to anyone before, and you’re not sure if Donghyuck was right about you having a shot.
“So, what are you doing—”
“I’ve been meaning to tell—”
You both start talking at once and then immediately clam up when you interrupt each other. 
He gives the floor to you. “You go first.”
“Okay.” 
You reach for the back of your neck and watch as his gaze follows the movement of your hands only for his eyes to light up in recognition.
“I wondered where that thing went.”
“You left it at my place. I put it on because I was scared I’d lose it for real. Sorry.”
He reaches out casually to thumb at the chain around your neck. “Don’t be. It looks good on you.”
“It looks better on you.”
The chain slides off cool against your skin and your fingers shake as you carry the chain over to him. Wordlessly, you reach up and loop your arms around his neck to reunite the chain with its rightful owner. Sweaty palms make it difficult to redo the clasp without being able to see it. It puts you right in his personal space for an awkwardly long time.
“I’m really sweaty,” he whispers.
“Uh, that’s nice?”
He laughs and it puffs off your temple.
“I don’t want to get you dirty, but I really want to kiss you right now.” The clasp finally snaps into place
“Oh.”
The way he leans in, the way his arms come to cage around your waist, the drip of the sweat from his temple down the hinge of his jaw. All of it is slow. As if to give you the space to withdraw if you wanted. But you surge forward into him. And for once it’s not awkward. You don’t know how long you stand there necking like hormonal high schoolers in a sea of people on the gym floor at a school dance, but—just like at the school dance—someone is bursting the gossamer thin ambiance just when Jaehyun’s fingers graze the back pocket of your jeans.
“If you look to your left, boys and girls, you can see two local horndogs engaged in a seasonal ritual” He karate chops a hand down the space between your faces, cutting the kiss off abruptly and nearly bruising Jaehyun’s nose. Meanwhile Taeyong snickers loudly from behind Doyoung.
“Do you have a death wish,” you turn to him with fire in your eyes. He backs up slightly, but attempts to stand his ground.
“Do you know how hard I’ve been working to set you two up?”
“What are you talking about?”
You turn to Jaehyun, who looks just as confused. The gears turning in your heads are practically visible as you and he put 2 and 2 together slowly. The random lies, the weird errands, the sudden party. The blank stares from Donghyuck every time the two of you were in the same room but refused to talk. It all adds up.
“You owe me sweet potato fries for the rest of your life. Maybe longer, I’m not sure yet.”
Donghyuck puts his arms around you and Jaehyun, pulling you with him as he heads out of the gym and towards the exit that leads toward the cafeteria.
“I can’t believe you...puppet-mastered us,” Jaehyun’s voice is airy with disbelief.
“I can’t believe you guys didn’t realize what was going on,” Taeyong snickers on the walk over. Doyoung snorts while lacing their fingers together.
“Yeah, the whole team was in on it.”
“You guys are one to talk.” Donghyuck turns back to give the two boys a humbling once over. “Don’t get me started on how hard it was to get you two losers together.”
Doyoung stops in his tracks, nearly tripping Taeyong in the process. 
“What?”
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jacaranda-bloom · 4 years ago
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FIC WRITER QUESTIONS
Thank you to the lovely @allwaswell16 @runaway-train-works @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed @uhoh-but-yeah-alright and @evilovesyou for tagging me to answer some questions about my writing.
1) How many works do you have on AO3?
47
2) What’s your total AO3 word count?
901,445 (Hoping to hit the Magic Million by the end of the year!)
3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?
1 (One Direction)
4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
When Tomorrow Comes 1155
The Baby Whisperer 950
Love, Ever After 898
Harry Poppins 856
Play Me A Memory 760
More under the cut…
5) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?
Oh gosh. Uhm. I don’t really write angsty endings? All my fics have Happy Endings and most have epilogues to round them out and tie them up in a bow. Perhaps I’d say If You’re Out There (I’ll Find You Somehow) purely because (spoiler ahead) the epilogue is written 100 years into the future so they’ve both passed.
6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?
Interestingly, I would actually say the answer is the same as above, If You’re Out There (I’ll Find You Somehow). The epilogue is so uplifting and I cry happy tears every time I re-read it. It’s written from the POV of their granddaughter and you get to see the world they had a hand in changing for the better through her eyes, so you get a sense of how impactful their lives were on the rest of society. Oof, tearing up right now just thinking about it.
7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?
Yeah, I have actually. I really enjoy doing new takes on an existing universes, although they aren’t always the easiest thing to pull off tbh. I’m not sure which I would say is the craziest, but the hardest to write was definitely The Peter Pan/Hook AU.
Harry Poppins - Loosely based on the book/movie Mary Poppins, but without any magical aspects.
Playing To Win - Set in the Big Brother house.
The Pirate and The Piper - A Peter Pan/Hook AU which I took a lot of liberties with.
In The Still Of The Night - My Dirty Dancing AU.
A Hungry Heart - This is a Great British Bake Off AU that is due out in September for the Cliche Fic Fest!
8) Do you write smut? If so what kind?
Whoa Nelly. Yeah, I do. All the time. Every fic actually. There’s only one, Exposed, the only fic I’ve published that’s not rated Explicit and doesn’t have smut. But, to be fair, the challenge was to write exactly 666 words and I still managed to get the implication in there. Plus, Louis was naked and Harry was applying body paint for the majority of the story, so like, I think I can get a free pass on that one - I tried!
In terms of what type of smut, I guess it varies depending on the story. I tend not to push the boat out too far, but I do dabble in BDSM in quite a few of my fics. A recurring theme in the comments I receive is that my smut scenes are well constructed and detailed, without being too tedious or drawn out, which is lovely feedback to get because they can be challenging to write.
9) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?
Absolutely. Every single one.
10) Have you ever received hate on a fic?
Not often, people are usually so kind, but there have been a couple.
11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I’m aware of!
12) Have you ever had a fic translated?
Yeah, quite a lot, particularly on Wattpad, all with my full consent. That said, I’m thinking of stopping this because it’s getting a bit out of hand and I’ve been feeling uncomfortable about it recently for various reasons that I won’t bore you with here. 
13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Nope! I don’t think it’s really my thing tbh. I get very in my head about writing and struggle even to brainstorm or share too much until I’m well into a story.
14) What’s your all time favorite ship?
Of the 47 fics I’ve written, there are 45 Larry, 1 Narry, and 1 Louis/Dermot O’Leary (I think mine is still the only fic with this ship hahahaa), so that’s probably a good indication of my fave writing ship.
15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?
I have one lonely WIP sitting on AO3 from 2018. I keep promising myself I’ll finish it and it’s on my schedule every year, then I get distracted by other fics/fests and it gets pushed back. Plus, it needs a complete rewrite because my style has developed so much since I started it, so it’ll be a big job. Based on that, I think that the fic, in its current form, won’t ever be finished as the rewrite will completely wipe out what it was, although the underlying plot will still be there.
16) What are your writing strengths?
World building (or so I’m often told). I write very visually and people often say they can imagine the scene exactly, or that it’s like a movie, or that they think it’s actually a real place I’m describing, when most of the time it absolutely isn’t, it’s just something I’ve created in my weird brain.
17) What are your writing weaknesses?
Dialogue (although my lovely beta disagrees) and telling rather than showing. They’re both things I’m actively working on.
18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
I’ve never really considered it. It’s not something I’d shy away from necessarily, but it’s just never come up.
19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?
One Direction. First and only.
20) What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?
Wow. This is really tough because it changes over time. I find that once I’ve finished a fic I don’t want to revisit it for a few months because I’m kind of over it. But I find comfort in them after a while, like I get to go back to that happy place and immerse myself in that world and the characters again, similar to catching up with an old friend. It’s familiar. I think I also like different stories for different reasons and I’m drawn to various ones depending on my mood. My top 3 (although, ask me next week and the list will probably be completely different!) would probably be:
1. If You’re Out There (I’ll Find You Somehow). Written for the hybrid fic fest (a fest I created just for this fic lol). It’s not everyone’s cup of tea due to the hybrid aspect, but it’s one of the stories I feel is the most rounded from a character development perspective and the world building was pretty epic, if I can be so bold as to throw that out there myself!
2. No Going Back. One of my Big Bangs from 2020. I adore the way their relationship develops in this fic and the setting (as remote lighthouse keepers) was such a lot of fun to write. Plus I got to collaborate with an amazing artist who created an entire website as an accompanying travel blog which was truly wonderful.
3. From The Heart. This is a series I wrote for wordplay back in 2019. I had no idea that what I was doing was so unusual and so meta by having Louis essentially write for the equivalent of wordplay in the fic. It was such an fun way to share my writing process and challenges I encounter (exactly how many synonyms tabs do I have open at any one time?!) and I thoroughly enjoyed the outcome (although getting there was definitely a struggle).
~
This was really fun and thanks to anyone who made it this far! Writing brings me so much joy and is a wonderful outlet for all the imaginings in my head, so I appreciate everyone who supports me and joins me on that journey.
~
I’m pretty late with this and I’m not sure who has already done it but I’ll tag @fallinglikethis @homosociallyyours @lululawrence @reminiscingintherain and @beau-soleil-louis if they’d like to do this and haven’t already.
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