#woke up at 4 am to see the sunrise and i still feel the lack of sleep to this day

[autumncalls]

currently working on a new painting so my bedroom looks like the often described bomb explosion of a typical teenagers room (something it never looked like while i was an actual teenager, mind you)

this damn thing just doesn't fit on my easel, not that i am the biggest fan of working with one anyways

the water still needs a lot of work but i am really happy with how the sky turned out

[flowercrown-bard]

Birds Still Sing When They Fall From The Sky

part 1 /  part 2 /  part 3  /  part 4  / part 5  / part 6  / part 7/  part 8   /  part 9 /  part 10 /  part 11  /  part 12  / part 13 / part 14 / part 15 /  part 16 / part 17 / part 18 belongs to this

TW: Alzheimers, memory loss, major character death, no comfort at the end

almost 6k words

so I know I said this was going to be the final chapter. Well, the good news is I finished writing the story. The bad other news is it got far too long to put it all in one chapter so there will be others to come. It will also make it easier for you to skip parts that might be upsetting, because there is a lot of angst on the way

While summer had flown by in a heartbeat with visits from the other witchers, tending to their flowers and enjoying their fleeting time together as much as they could, the winter months dragged on as if they had sunk their claws into time itself, refusing to let go.

And yet they too, passed.

The frost that covered the land receded and the storm clouds made way for the sun.

Not that Jaskier could appreciate any of it. Geralt did his best to point the changes out to him imitating as best he could the way Jaskier had always done it, to tell him how it was already getting warmer and brighter.

Geralt doubted any of his words reached Jaskier.

In the mornings Jaskier was unable to listen to the returning songbirds, his face morphing into a grimace when a wave of dizziness hit him. Midday, he fell asleep, always drowsy, always exhausted.

Sometimes he let himself get lead on Geralt’s arm as Geralt urged him to take a stroll along the shore with him, though he never attempted to take charge of the direction or to stop and stare at something that caught his eye.

Other times Geralt put a warm blanket around his shoulders and sat with him in front of the cottage to watch the sea, even though he knew that Jaskier would only stare unresponsively into the far away that held his mind captive until Geralt sighed and resigned to bring him back to bed.

Despite Jaskier’s afternoon naps he was too tired to stay up to watch the sunset as he had dreamed of doing when they had moved here.

The worst part was the silence.

Jaskier barely ever talked anymore, though Geralt could imagine to see a hint of longing to do so every once in a while. His attempts at talking were swiftly thwarted by panting, as Jaskier’s breath drew short and he gave up on it again.

In his stead, Geralt filled the silences as best he could. Those were pitiful attempts, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. His own clumsy words were better than the screams that still sometimes rattled the night when Jaskier had nightmares. In all their horridness, those screams were better still then when Jaskier was quiet, his heartbeat and breathing the only sound that reached Geralt through the door that still separated them each night.

Geralt barely slept, always listening to those heartbeats. Always waiting with bated breath, dreading the moment he would cease to hear them.

He did so now, too. Jaskier hadn’t stirred from his afternoon nap yet and Geralt didn’t have the heart to wake him, knowing that those blissful few hours Jaskier was well and truly asleep were the ones where he was happiest.

Geralt’s hands clenched around the mug he had filled hours ago in hopes that Jaskier would wake and join him in the living room, and that by now has gone cold.

It was probably wrong to let him sleep. When he woke up, he would be all the more confused. The dim light of the approaching evening wouldn’t make it any better. Too often had Geralt watched Jaskier’s eyes that were often so unfocussed, dart around in discomfort and disorientation after sleeping for too long.

But they could handle that. What more was a little confusion to months in which Jaskier hadn’t recognised either Geralt nor himself nor any part of the life they lived.

Still he sat and waited and listened to Jaskier’s heartbeat, a steady drum dictating the rhythm of their life.

Until the beat was accompanied by a disgruntled noise and the sound of Jaskier turning in bed.

With a heavy sigh Geralt abandoned the mug and made his way to Jaskier’s bedroom that hadn’t been theirs in far too long.

When he opened the door, he saw Jaskier already sitting on the edge of the bed, his back facing Geralt. His shoulders lacked the tell-tale tenseness that normally accompanied his distressed confusion. His posture looked almost relaxed and he had his head tilted to the side as he looked out of the window.

Geralt rounded the bed until he could see his face. His heart stuttered at the sight and he froze to the spot. The usually so slack and expressionless face held the tiniest hint of a smile.

The shift in Jaskier as he made to get up on his own thawed Geralt from his frozen shock.

“Wait, I’ll help you,” he said, more to fill the silence than out of actual hope that Jaskier would respond.

He took Jaskier’s arm and guided him until he stood.

For a long moment they just stood there waiting patiently until the grimace that accompanied Jaskier’s dizziness was gone.

Any moment now, Jaskier would hunch over again and let himself be guided to wherever Geralt would lead him.

Instead, Jaskier lifted his free hand and rested it on Geralt’s cheek.

The action hit Geralt so unexpectedly that he tensed up again, sucking the air in sharply, his eyes wide.

“Thank you, dearest.”

His mouth went dry. Geralt felt his lips form words – a name – but no sound came out.

Jaskier’s fingers brushed over his skin, his thumb resting so close to Geralt’s lips. It was too much. It couldn’t – it had been too long since Jaskier touched him like this, since he had acknowledged him as anything other than someone who told him when to eat and who helped him into bed. And now he had his eyes on Geralt – sharp, attentive eyes, nothing like the vacant stares of the past months. He had called him dearest.

“Jaskier.” Geralt’s voice broke around the name.

Jaskier made a small humming sound, his lips tilting up and the skin around his eyes crinkled.

It was Jaskier.

And he looked at Geralt like he knew, as if he had never not known who he was. As if he had never gone away.

“Jaskier! You’re back!” Tears stung in the corners of Geralt’s eyes. He didn’t care. He didn’t have time to think about that, all he could think about was Jaskier being back, being here right before him. He pulled him into an embrace, carefully, but tightly and filled with years of longing. Geralt choked back a sob, when Jaskier’s arms encircled him as well. “You’re back. You came back.”

He didn’t care that he kept repeating the words over and over until they didn’t make sense anymore.

Jaskier’s hand sprawled over the space between his shoulder blades and he could feel the beating of Jaskier’s heart against his chest.

A small huff of air tickled Geralt’s ear.

“I meant it when I said you would be stuck with me for a while,” Jaskier said in that oh so bitterly familiar teasing tone of his. “I am a bit insulted that it took you so long to notice that I’m still here.”

The voice, the words. In a flash, it was too little to just feel Jaskier against him.

Geralt pulled back again, his eyes roaming over every inch of Jaskier, dreading he would flee from him once again into his realm of shadows.

He stayed.

After months, years, of Geralt waiting for him to come back, of having no hope of that ever happening, he was here now, beautiful as the day he had first seen him.

It was cruel. It was a blessing.

Geralt was no fool. He didn’t believe in miracles and he knew better than to hope that this was anything other than a last moment of unexpected happiness before the world would shatter around him for good.

Jaskier’s eyes drifted back to the window and the soft red light of the sky that even through the glass engulfed Jaskier’s face in warm colours. Geralt’s heart clenched painfully at the loss of the endless blue on him, until the smile that curled Jaskier’s lips grew warmer.

“Can we watch the sunset?” Jaskier asked, his voice raspy and out of breath, but pushing through. “Like we used to?”

“Of course.” Not a hint of hesitation made it into Geralt’s voice. This was what Jaskier had wanted all those years ago, when Geralt had told him they could leave the Path behind together. This beautiful dream that for some incomprehensible reason they were allowed to have.

On their way out Geralt grabbed the worn blanket off the armchair and laid it over Jaskier’s shoulders once they sat down on their bench overlooking the sea.

Jaskier huffed and huddled closer, lifting one corner of the blanket to let Geralt under it as well. Something swelled in Geralt’s heart as they sat pressed together like this, shielded from the world by their blanket and the feeling of having the other so close.

Geralt’s eyes were trained on Jaskier, unable to look away and miss even the slightest shift in his expression.

Too often had Jaskier stared straight ahead while Geralt had been searching his gaze. And yet this was the first time in far too long that Jaskier’s eyes darted back to Geralt, despite clearly not having seen his fill of the red sky yet.

“The sunset is over there, love,” Jaskier said and playfully nudged Geralt with his shoulder, the action making Geralt’s heart speed up. “You really should look at it. You never know when you will see a sunset that beautiful again.”

Geralt swallowed thickly, his throat painfully tight. “There will be other sunsets.”

There won’t be another Jaskier and with every beat of his fragile heart Geralt feared more and more that he would go down with the sun, only that Jaskier wouldn’t get to rise again come the morning.

Jaskier’s hand found his as he turned away once more, the light of the sinking sun painting his cheeks in warm red.

“Would you describe it for me?” Geralt asked softly.

At his words, Jaskier’s expression brightened, his smile shining warmer than the sun ever could.  

“Like you described the sunrises when you were hunting alone?”

Geralt huffed out a laugh. “I would hope you could do better than me, bard.”

Jaskier’s eyes narrowed into slits. “Is that a challenge I hear?”

“Afraid you would lose?”

It was so easy to talk like this, so right. To tease each other as if no time had passed since they had last done so, as if they had all the time in the world left to do so.

Without any further preamble, Jaskier began to talk in earnest. His voice didn’t hold the tone that could command a room filled with an enraptured audience. Instead his voice was soft and gentle and willing to crack with excitement, perfect imperfections plain to see. As he painted pictures with his words of the towering clouds coloured by wine and damasked roses, the way the sun reflected on the sea, looking almost like Geralt’s eyes, he sounded like a man in love.

In love with the world he described almost as much as with the man he was describing it to.

Geralt hadn’t dared hope he would ever get to hear Jaskier speak like that again.

Despite his breath becoming short, Jaskier kept talking until eventually the last rays of the sun left his face and his voice died down.

“You missed it,” Jaskier said quietly.

“I think watching you see it was the best way to experience it.”

“Did you see it then?” Jaskier asked, something strange in his voice. “I had always hoped I could help you see it, but I’m not so sure…”

Geralt hesitated, his brows drawn together in thought. For a reason he couldn’t name Jaskier’s words weighed heavy in the air. A short answer wouldn’t do.

“Maybe…” Geralt broke off, only to start anew, “maybe I can’t see quite yet. But you made me look. I never stopped to look before.”

“You will continue to do so, won’t you?”

Geralt couldn’t answer truthfully, couldn’t bring himself to think about it.

“I have you to tell me about it, don’t I?” he said instead, the words sounding hollow, even in his own ears, but Jaskier snuggled closer, turning to face him again.

“I sure hope so.”

Geralt answered with a tense smile that melted into a real one when Jaskier nestled his head beneath his chin.

With every breath Geralt could feel ghost across his skin, his tenseness subsided. Nothing could chase away the dread of what was bound to happen far too soon, but Jaskier’s presence beside him was comforting and made Geralt appreciate every moment they had left together.

The quiet that had settled over them with the darkness was calming. It was filled by Jaskier’s soft hums and the feeling of their bodies pressed together.

Geralt’s thumb traced lazy patterns on Jaskier’s shoulder.

“Can you talk to me?” he asked eventually.

Jaskier looked up at him, but didn’t lift his head from where it was laying on Geralt. “What about?”

“Anything.” Geralt swallowed. “I just want to hear your voice.”

He could feel the smile that flitted across Jaskier’s face on his skin, followed by a quick kiss on his chin.

“How about I talk about the stars?”

Geralt snorted, but made no effort to keep the fondness out of his voice. “Still a hopeless romantic, aren’t you?”

“Naturally. I’m still a poet, am I not?”

The words spoken with such conviction as if Jaskier had never put down his quill made Geralt’s heart soar. He couldn’t form words, only nod in reply.

“I never could see the stars when I was in Oxenfurt. There was too much light,” Jaskier said in a light tone that couldn’t hide his longing.

“You loved that city,” Geralt said and tightened his embrace. “It was all loud and bright and colourful and filled with people who could appreciate your poetry the way it was meant to be celebrated.”

“Of course I loved it. Doesn’t mean I never missed the stars.” A thumb brushed over the knuckles of Geralt’s free hand. “It was better when you were there with me.”

Geralt huffed out a laugh. “You mean the one winter you made sure my travels would be delayed until the pass to Kaer Morhen was snowed in so I was forced to go to Oxenfurt with you?”

“I did no such thing,” Jaskier said with an impish lull to his voice that made Geralt’s chest rumble with an answering laugh.

After a brief pause, Geralt relented. “It was nice. Staying there with you.”

“Hmm.” Geralt could hear the smile in Jaskier’s voice. “Winter in Kaer Morhen was nice too. But can I tell you a secret?”

Geralt hummed, asking Jaskier to go on without words.

“I enjoy our winters here too. When it’s just the two of us.”

Geralt’s throat was too tight to answer, but he pressed a kiss against the crown of Jaskier’s head, letting his lips linger there.

Jaskier continued. “Actually, I think this, this moment right now, is pretty damn perfect.” He pulled back from Geralt a bit and tilted his head back until all he could see was the night sky above them. “We are lucky there are not too many clouds today. Perfect for the sunset but not enough to cover the stars.”

Geralt’s brows furrowed and his chest tightened painfully. “Can you… Jaskier, can you even see the stars? Your eyes…”

“No. I cannot. But that’s alright. I still know they are there.” Geralt could almost imagine seeing them reflected in Jaskier’s eyes. “Just like in Oxenfurt. Did you know that sometimes when we were separated for the winter I looked at the constellations you showed me – especially the one that looked like a man with a sword - and think of you?”

“You just said you couldn’t see the stars in the big cities.” A smirk curled his lips. “And even if you did, we both know you were always horrible at finding the constellations.”

“That’s not the point.” Jaskier swatted at his arm with a mock- offended gasp. “As if I actually needed to see some constellation to think about you. But the thought was nice. You can’t deny that it is romantic to see your beloved in the world around you.”

“One might say it’s unreasonable.” Geralt’s reply held no heat. He only followed the steps of the dance they had danced for years now, the dreamer and the witcher. “I’d rather see my beloved in person.”

“Well, I’m here now, am I not?”

Geralt was quiet for a while, before searching the sky, his eyes finding what he was looking for within seconds. He pointed at the stars, guiding Jaskier’s eyes that were unlikely to see what he was pointing at, but following him anyway. “Over there. That’s the warrior constellation.”

Jaskier’s eyes brightened and he tipped his head to the side, as if contemplating what he couldn’t even see. “The sword could also be a lute, don’t you think?”

Geralt huffed. “They are just stars. They can be whatever artists and dreamers want to see in them.”

“A lute then,” Jaskier said again with pride in his tone. “For when you look at it. And a sword for when I do.”

Geralt grunted in false annoyance.

“Come on,” Jaskier poked a finger into Geralt’s chest. Geralt caught his hand, holding it there. “I know you like that idea.”

Geralt eyed Jaskier from the side, taking in the teasing glint in his eyes that said he wouldn’t back down.

Geralt sighed in surrender. “Fine. Maybe I do.”

“Wonderful. And as a price for my brilliant idea, I demand a dance.”

Geralt’s eyebrows shot up. “Now?”

“When else?”

Jaskier tugged on the hand Geralt was still holding.

“Aren’t you tired? I would have thought you wanted to go to bed.”

Jaskier smirked. “When has the late hour ever kept me from dancing? You can complain all you want but you and I both know that you can’t say no when I ask you for a dance.” When Geralt put up token resistance, Jaskier added, “Geralt, my dearest, loveliest witcher. You accompanied me to more than one ball. What is one dance under the moonlight?”

“It’s sappy, is what it is,” Geralt grumbled, but stood up, pulling Jaskier with him. The blanket fell from their shoulders to the ground, as they lifted their arms to lay them around one another.

What they did could hardly be described as dancing. Even a poet as talented as Jaskier wouldn’t be able to spin romantic tales about it.

There was no music and they were barely even moving. Geralt had to support Jaskier, his grip on his waist tighter than it would be in a normal dance to hold him up and Jaskier hung on his neck more for balance than anything. Their feet where stumbling and clumsy.

From the look in Jaskier’s eyes, this was the most perfect dance he could imagine. Nothing like balls and banquets and the performances that came with it.

This was just Geralt and Jaskier, holding each other and barely swaying to the sound of the ocean instead of a ballad.

Jaskier’s head came to rest on Geralt’s heart and even their small shuffling movements stopped as Jaskier’s hands dropped from Geralt’s shoulders, finding Geralt’s hands and tangling them into each other.

Still he was leaning his head on Geralt’s shoulder, like it belonged there.

For a moment that stretched into eternity, they just stood there unmoving, without the need to break this fragile moment with words.

Jaskier squeezed Geralt’s hands gently. “I never thought there would ever come a day that I can’t even dance without someone else holding me up.” No bitterness was woven into his words. “You become so helpless with age…” His voice trailed off, but he caught himself. “Thank you, Geralt.” He looked up, every shift in his expression speaking of sincerity and infinite fondness. “For being here and helping me when I’m helpless. For making me happy.”

Something ugly squirmed inside of Geralt and he tightened his jaw, looking aside. “You weren’t always happy.”

“I am now. There is nowhere I would rather be right now than here with you. You make me happy.” A wistful note clung to his words. “Just like I used to make people happy with my songs. I miss that.”

Geralt’s eyes snapped back to Jaskier’s. “You said that before. Years ago, you said that. And you are wrong. You mde me happier than I ever thought possible.”

Jaskier’s gaze softened and something Geralt didn’t dare name shone in his eyes.

Without meaning to, Geralt’s face hardened, earning him a chuckle from Jaskier.

“Ah, that face.” Jaskier stood on his toes, chancing a quick peck at the corner of Geralt’s lips. “I missed that face. Tell me, what brilliant idea of mine are you going to say ‘no’ to now?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh?” Jaskier grinned. “If I recall correctly you once said that you always made that face because you knew exactly what I was going to ask of you.” He left a pause for Geralt to reply, which Geralt let pass without speaking up. Jaskier filled it for him. “I want to ask you to continue to be happy.”

Geralt’s insides ran cold. He didn’t want to answer and yet he couldn’t stop the broken words from falling from his lips. “I don’t know if I can.”

“I do,” Jaskier said with total conviction.

“How?”

“Because, Geralt of Rivia, my dearest witcher who laughed with me and listened to my songs and agreed to dance under the night sky,” Jaskier stepped impossibly closer. “I know who you are.”

The words, so reminiscent of the first time Jaskier had ever spoken to him resonated through every fibre of Geralt’s being. Even now, at the end of all things, Jaskier knew him. Better than he had let anyone know him.

“If I had one wish,” Jaskier said, lifting his eyes back to the sky, “if I saw a shooting star or had a dandelion with me, I would let it pass by without making a wish. I don’t have to. I have everything here that I could want and I know you will have it too.”

“You have everything here…” Geralt repeated the words as if they were a confession. “So it worked? This place has become what you wanted it to be?”

Jaskier’s smile was bright enough to light up the night. “There is no place I would rather be. Though… anywhere would have been home as long as it was with you.” Jaskier’s eyes dropped to their joined hands. “Do you think the others are still together? Lambert and –“

“Yes,” Geralt said, before Jaskier could finish. “Kaer Morhen is still snowed in. Our family is together.”

“Good.” Jaskier gave a small smile. “That’s good. I don’t want them to be lonely. And you can find them easier like this.”

“Jaskier-“ The name was a plea on Geralt’s lip, though he couldn’t form any other words to beg. He too looked at their hands, still intertwined. Still holding onto each other for dear life.

Don’t let go. Please, don’t let go. Not yet.

Despite his silent pleas, Jaskier slipped on hand free of Geralt’s grip, making to lift it again to Geralt’s face, but Jaskier faltered, wincing.

“Jaskier!” A spike of panic flared up in Geralt. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, dearest,” Jaskier said through a thinly veiled grimace. “Just… I think my joints didn’t appreciate me dancing and standing up for so long.”

“Of course. Let’s go back inside. I should have some more of Yennefer’s medicine in there.”

Jaskier pulled at face, but mirth glimmered in his eyes. “Don’t tell her I said that, but sometimes I am really glad that I got to know her after all.”

With these words, he made to turn towards the cottage.

Geralt didn’t let him get far, before in the spur of the moment, he scooped him up, one arm beneath his knees and one around his middle.

Jaskier let out a delighted little shout when he was lifted and pressed against Geralt’s chest.

“I’m not that frail. You don’t have to carry me, you know.”

“I know,” Geralt said with the hints of laughter in his voice. “But I want to.”

How could he not want to when this made Jaskier’s eyes twinkle with delight and throw his head back in a laugh? How could he resist holding Jaskier and feeling his arms around his neck again and the soft stroking of the hair that got caught in Jaskier’s fingers?

Jaskier had always been beautiful but there was something about him now, grinning and short of breath and lightly trembling and yet still clinging to Geralt as if he never wanted to let go that made him even more radiant than ever before.

Once in the cottage, Geralt sat Jaskier back down on the bed, which Jaskier immediately claimed, burrowing himself in the blanket and watching Geralt with the one eye that peeked out as he went looking for the medicine.

Geralt’s search was interrupted by an outraged cry.

“You traitor!” Geralt turned around to find Jaskier pointing at something peeking out of a box in the corner of the room. “You told me you would get rid of the scarf! Really, it is time to throw that thing out.”

Geralt snatched the scarf up together with the medicine and went over to Jaskier.

“Never,” he said with a grin and wrapped the scarf around Jaskier’s neck, who fought tooth and nail to get it off. Eventually he gave up with a huff.

“You are insufferable. I love you.”

He shot Geralt a mock glare, only softening when Geralt took mercy on him and threw the scarf back where it came from.

Jaskier laughed triumphantly at the action and swallowed the medicine Geralt held out for him.

It took a while for it to take effect, but bit by bit, the grimace smoothed out and Jaskier relaxed into the blankets.

More out of routine than anything else, Geralt straightened the blanket over Jaskier, so that he wouldn’t get tangled in it.

He paused, his heart speeding up. For the first time in months, he was allowed to brush his hand over Jaskier’s hair again, kiss him again.

As he did so, Jaskier didn’t hesitate even a moment, before placing a kiss on each of Geralt’s knuckles in lieu of the single kiss he used to give him.

“What did I do to deserve that?” Geralt asked, the humour in his voice not nearly enough to hide the tremor that came with the emotion that threatened to spill over.

Jaskier didn’t answer, instead scooting over a bit and pointedly looking at the space next to him that had been empty for far too long.

“Lie with me?”

Geralt’s heart was racing, as he obliged. It was foreign and achingly familiar lying next to Jaskier again, like a hug after being apart for too long.

Jaskier turned so he was facing him, his eyes tracing every inch of Geralt’s face as if he wanted to burn it into his memory.

A yawn interrupted his task, but he fought to keep his eyes open.

“You don’t have to stay awake for me,” Geralt said, though his blood began to freeze at the thought of what might happen if Jaskier closed his eyes. “It’s alright if you want to sleep. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

Jaskier shook his head weakly. “Not yet. I want to talk for a bit longer. I want to listen to you speak.” Fingers reached out, smoothing over Geralt’s brow and coming to rest near his lips. “I always loved it when you talked.”

Geralt’s lips quirked up. “Can’t say the same about you.”

Jaskier narrowed his eyes. “Careful. I might take that as a challenge and talk your ear off until you love the sound of my voice.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

As if there was anything Geralt could want more than to hear Jaskier’s speak until he ran out of words.

But Jaskier got strangely quiet. Geralt’s heart beat frantically, as Jaskier’s eyes drifted away from him and towards the door.

His breath came out in a sharp exhale of relief, when Jaskier spoke again.

“There is something. I don’t know if you remember, but a while ago I started writing something. I put it away, hid it behind my notebooks. I didn’t want you to find it too soon, but I told you I would let you read it when it was time. I think –“ his voice broke off, his thumb caressing Geralt’s cheek so tenderly it almost hurt. “I think it’s time now.”

Geralt’s brows knitted together and he couldn’t keep himself from nestling into Jaskier’s soft touch.

“Should I get your writing now?” He asked, though the thought of leaving Jaskier for even a moment felt utterly wrong.

“No.” Jaskier leaned in closer until his forehead was resting against Geralt’s. “Stay with me for a bit. Just a little longer.”

The unspoken We might not have a lot of time left together hang heavily above them.

When Geralt had heard Jaskier play the lute for the last time, he hadn’t known he wouldn’t hear it again. When he had taken his final bow in front of an audience, Geralt had assumed more would follow. Again and again, he had witnessed Jaskier’s last times unknowingly.

There was no such ignorance now. Geralt knew what this was. They both did.

Almost unnoticeably, Jaskier’s lips began to tremble and his chin started quivering.

“Hold me?” The request sounded so small and yet there was no doubt in Jaskier’s voice that Geralt would do as he asked, that he would do anything if it would make this easier for Jaskier.

Geralt’s arms wrapped around him, holding him impossibly close. Jaskier melted into his embrace, clung to Geralt as if he was the only thing left in his world.

With one hand, Geralt cradled Jaskier’s head. “It’s alright, Jaskier. You’re safe. I’ve got you.”

He had said it before. Almost the exact same words in a situation that had been almost the same and yet was nothing like it. This time, his reassurance wasn’t a lie.

Last time, Geralt had made mistakes he wouldn’t been able to forgive himself for if he made them again. He had run, shouted, panicked.

None of that would help him now. He was done running from what he couldn’t possibly outrun.

He has had nightmares about this. He had dreaded this. But now that the inescapable monster had finally reached him with its claws and as it sank them into Geralt’s heart it felt strangely light. Freeing. Calm.

There was nothing he could do but hold Jaskier in his arms and whisper sweet words of comfort into the night.

Unlike last time, when Jaskier lifted his head to look at him with tired eyes, Geralt smiled at him. Jaskier traced his smile with a finger, a look of awe on his face.

The touch left a trace of heat in its wake, stirring Geralt out of his thoughts.

“I believe you wanted to prove something to me?”

Jaskier let out a quiet laugh. “So eager to hear me talk? I think that is proof enough that you love my voice.”

“Not only your voice. I love you, Jaskier,” Geralt said, pressing a kiss against the finger on his lips. He lifted his eyes until all he could see was the warmth in Jaskier’s. “Talk to me anyway?”

Jaskier’s expression softened impossibly. “Alright. How about I tell you the story of how I met the man I fell in love with?”

Geralt hummed, his lips stretching into a smile. “That sounds lovely.”

“It all began in Posada. Maybe it was destiny, maybe it was just a tired horse and an empty bag of coin that led to the fateful meeting of the brooding witcher and the celebrated bard that left his adoring audience for a chance to follow this mysterious stranger.”

Geralt snorted. “That’s not how it happened,” he said with amusement evident in his tone.

“Oh hush, you,” Jaskier said, his tone rivalling Geralt’s. “But fine. Here’s how it really went…”

Despite the familiarity of the story, or maybe because of it, Geralt didn’t let the words wash over him. He hung on Jaskier’s every word, relishing in the way Jaskier’s expressions shifted as he told the tale. This time around, there were no exaggerations, no embellishments. Only the story of two lonely people finding comfort in each other that would grow into something more precious than either of them could have planned for.

There was something about the way Jaskier told it that made it seem like he was coming to life along with the world he painted in his words.

Words spoken a long time ago came back to Geralt as he watched Jaskier. He was happy. Himself. And so much more.

This was Jaskier, even when he had to blink more and more to keep his eyes open, when his voice became quieter and when yawns interrupted his story.

Without thinking about it, Geralt picked up the story when Jaskier’s voice trailed off again.

He could feel Jaskier smile against him, could hear his heartbeat pick up as Geralt shared with him thoughts he had never before voiced quite like this, about how he had fallen in love – slowly at first, then so fast that he wouldn’t have been able to stop it if he tried - with a smile, a laugh, silly little songs and touches so casual as if Geralt wasn’t something to be feared but cherished. He could feel Jaskier’s arms tighten around him when he whispered quiet confessions in the form of a story.

Geralt continued talking even as Jaskier’s breathing evened out and he drifted off to sleep. He couldn’t let the story stand unfinished, even if Jaskier couldn’t hear it anymore. Maybe the faint sound of Geralt’s words was enough to gift Jaskier with dreams of their years together.

When Geralt’s voice quieted down as well, the only sound left was Jaskier’s heartbeat.

Geralt didn’t sleep that night.

He buried his face into Jaskier’s neck and held him tight, letting Jaskier’s breaths brush over his hair and listening to his heartbeat as he had done every night for the past years.

He listened to the steady beat, the rhythm of their life they had built together.

Until it stopped.

[tiramisiyu]

【未定事件簿】 Tears of Themis: “Romantic Rail Getaway” Xia Yan Route, Day 5

Translation Masterlist | Event Masterlist

Xia Yan Route: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5

Videos, where applicable, are hyperlinked on the headings in the post.

See under cut!

Part 1: Delai River Scenery Area - “The Charm of Delai River”

Delai River Canyon

On the last day of the trip, the train stopped at the station near Delai River Canyon.

The river that extended continuously from Kuru Mine ran through the entire canyon, meandering and beautiful.

Xia Yan and I found a local tour guide, having him accompany us as we toured the canyon.

As we got to know about the attractions, it was also more convenient for us.[1]

Guide: You could say that Delai River Canyon is the most beautiful attraction of the entire north area of the savannah.

Guide: Aside from the beautiful views of nature, there are also lots of cultural attractions that visitors can enjoy to their hearts’ content.

Guide: We guarantee that every visitor that comes here will find a sightseeing event that they like.

MC: Mr. Guide, could you talk about them in more detail?

Guide: Sure, what do you two want to know? I can give you an introduction.

 [1] TL Note: This particular sentence may have been incomplete based on the wording of the second half and the lack of a full stop.

 --

INTERROGATION START

Characteristic Attractions

MC: How about you recommend some interesting attractions in the canyon?

Guide: Hmm… it’s around this season, so I recommend that you two go check out Hundred-Flower River Valley and Lovers’ Canyon.

Guide: I guarantee that the two of you will be able to enjoy different sceneries there that are different from other places.

Hundred-Flower River Valley

MC: What’s the Hundred-Flower River Valley like?

Guide: There’s an artificially-developed river valley there. Lots of flowers and plants are planted on the two sides of the river canyon, and the scenery is gorgeous.

Guide: Now that it’s spring, it just so happens to be flowering season. The two of you absolutely must not miss the sceneries of the hundreds of blooming flowers in the river valley.

MC: (Sounds pretty good. In a moment, I can take pictures with Xia Yan and check out the scenery.)

Lovers’ Canyon

MC: What sorts of fun projects are there in the Lovers’ Canyon?

Guide: Listen to this canyon’s name! You can tell that it suits young people like you two the best.

Guide: There’s a pairs’ rafting event that’s extremely exciting in the canyon. The two of you can try it out together.

Before I even said anything, Xia Yan was already displaying an eager expression.

Xia Yan: Sounds pretty interesting – how about we go try in a moment?

Seeing Xia Yan’s smiling face, my answer was, of course…

MC: Mhmm, let’s go together.

Characteristic Delicacies

MC: Could you recommend some characteristic delicacies for us?

Guide: About delicacies, you must try the Moissan roasted meat and tilapia lentil puree soup in our canyon village.

Guide: Those tastes will definitely shock your tastebuds!

Moissan Roasted Chicken

MC: Moissan roasted chicken sounds pretty good.

Guide: For this dish, we first add lime, coconut milk, and hot sauce marinade to a fresh chicken, after which we roast it in the oven.

Guide: Trust me, its taste has many layers. It feels like the chicken meat is dancing on your tastebuds.

Guide: Many visitors praise it to high heaven after eating it. The two of you can taste it and see.

MC: (I’m interested! We’ve got to try it in a while.)

 Tilapia Lentil Puree Soup

Xia Yan: I’ve eaten roasted tilapia before. What does it taste like when made into soup?

Guide: It’s definitely also very delicious!

Guide: Here, we’ll take off the fish meet from the tilapia fish and mix it with the little lentils to make puree soup.

Guide: When you drink it, its freshness and sweetness whets the appetite. It’s the most beloved food of the elders and children in the village.

MC: Sounds pretty good. How about we add it onto our delicacy checklist menu?

Xia Yan: Got it!

INTERROGATION COMPLETE

--

Guide: I can explain anything else the two of you want to know.

MC: There’s nothing else – we’re planning to go walk around ourselves. Thank you, Mr. Guide.

Guide: No need to be polite, this is what I ought to do. Then, I hope you two have fun.

--

After bidding farewell to the tour guide, Xia Yan and I looked at the map as we walked down the little path into the canyon, exploring.

Xia Yan: How about we go appreciate the flowers at Hundred-Flower River Canyon, then go to Lovers’ Canyon to participate in the pairs’ rafting?

MC: Mhmm, after trying out the rafting, let’s go eat at the canyon village!

Xia Yan: Right, I just looked at the map…

Xia Yan: There’s only this indigenous village on all of Delai River Canyon on the map. We can ask the villagers about information on Mark.

MC: I hope… they’ll have information on him.

Xia Yan: Let’s try our luck. If he really is here, there’s got to be information.

 Part 2: Hundred-Flower River Valley

[Gameplay]

 Part 3: Lovers’ Canyon

[Gameplay]

 Part 4: Canyon Village - “The Missing Mark”

I originally thought that searching for information on Mark would be very complicated…

Who would’ve thought that after a simple conversation, we’d get information from Mark from the villagers.

Villager A: The Mark you’re talking about is nursing his wounds in our village right now.

Villager A: A few days ago, he was flushed by the water into our village. It was my husband that saved him.

MC: (Mark really is here!)

Xia Yan: How is Mark doing? Are his injuries severe?

Villager A: He’s doing alright. He just received some external injuries and was unconscious for a few days, and he just woke up yesterday.

MC: (Unconscious for a few days?! That’s… pretty severe, isn’t it?)

MC: Could you take us to see him?

Villager A: Sure, come with me.

--

Villager’s House

Under the guidance of the villager, we arrived at the wooden hut that Mark was taking shelter at.

A middle-aged man wearing miner clothes was resting in the hut. When he saw us come in, he immediately sat up from the bed, warily looking us over.

Mark: Who are you?

MC: Hi, Mark, we’re…

I told him about the experiences and the things that had happened in the mine from the past few days.

Mark’s expression went from surprised to astonished, from stunned to regretful.

After he heard my entire account, he didn’t speak for a long while, seeming like he couldn’t regain his bearings.

Mark: I’m not dreaming, am I?

After a long silence, Mark finally spoke, but there was still disbelief in his voice.

Xia Yan: We’re telling the truth.

Xia Yan: The police have already started to take over the mine issue. After you return, you’ll probably receive relevant handling results.

MC: Right, your child is also very worried about you. He’s waited the whole time for you to return.

Mark: Ah, I’ve let the little guy worry.

Mark embarrassedly touched his hair, then smiled bashfully.

--

INTERROGATION START

Bodily Situation

MC: How are your injuries? Are they alright?

I noticed that bandages were wrapped on both of Mark’s legs – it looked quite severe.

Mark: Don’t worry, I’m fine.

Mark: When I fell into the river, some rocks scratched some gashes on my legs.

Mark: The doctor has already wrapped it up. In two more days, the wounds will definitely be fine.

Gem Whereabouts

MC: Right, can I see that golden gem?

MC: (After hearing legends about that golden stone for so many days, and now that I’m finally able to see the original source, I do feel a little excited.)

Mark: That gem… is gone.

MC: Ah? How could that be…

Mark: When I fell in the river, I accidentally dropped the gem.

Mark: I myself don’t know where that gem fell. I’m guessing that it’ll be very hard to find it. What a pity…

Xia Yan: It really is a pity.

MC: (I originally wanted to see the beauty of the legendary stone. Now, it looks like it can only be a legend forever…)

Future Plans

Xia Yan: What plans do you have after? Will you still continue working at the mine?

Mark: Hard to say – I’ve got to see what it’s like at the mine.

Mark: I’ll see how the police deals with it first. Hmph… either way, I never want to suffer those wrongs again!

MC: Mhmm, nurse your wounds first, then consider the upcoming matters.

INTERROGATION END

--

Mark: Honestly, I still feel like I’m dreaming.

Mark: I really don’t dare to believe… this issue has already been solved, and it was solved this smoothly…

Mark: Thank you. If not for you… I’m guessing that I wouldn’t be able to return home.

Xia Yan: No need to thank us – I ought to do this.

MC: Yeah, we’re very happy to be able to help.

Mark smiled bashfully again.

His smile gave one the same feeling as Tambuyani’s lands, honest and clean.

Perhaps, it was this simple smile… that was our biggest reward in this trip.

 Part 5: Delai Wilderness

[Gameplay]

 Part 6: A Golden Smile

After bidding farewell with the miner Mark, Xia Yan and I followed Delai River Canyon out of the village, arriving at the nearby hillside, where we gazed at the savannah scenery.

Together, we’d seen the most beautiful sunrises of Anma Savannah, saw the rushing river at the bottom of Kuru mine, and smelled the flowers of the mine flower field.

Simultaneously, we’d gotten a glimpse of the fog over this gorgeous scenery.

The trip was nearing its end. Now, all that was left in my heart was a reluctance to part.

MC: We’re leaving tomorrow. I’m feeling really reluctant… next time we have to chance to come here, let’s stay for two more days.

Xia Yan: No need to wait for next time. You can just take a few more days off so we can stay here a few more days.

MC: Hey, I don’t have that many days off!!

MC: I’m going to save some so we can go to other places next time.

Xia Yan: Pfft… it’s all up to you! Let’s save our days off, and in the future, let’s go to even more places and make our way around all the fun attractions!

Xia Yan laughed, his shining eyes reflecting the multicoloured sunset, as if he’d assimilated into the golden savannah entirely.

It was approaching dusk right now, and the sun was slowly setting…

The evening light of sunset shone on the grounds from the western sky’s edge, melting into a layer of gorgeous gold.

MC: Xia Yan, look… the entire savannah has turned golden.

Xia Yan: Look, there are a few lion cubs rolling around together there, under the tree!

MC: Where?

I gazed towards the direction Xia Yan was pointing in…

Under a faraway, single tree, a few young lions were languidly curling into a little ball, like kittens sleeping soundly.

MC: I really want to pet them. Fluffy lion cubs must feel really good.

Xia Yan: Hey, you can’t pet lions randomly, they’re going to kill you!

MC: I’m joking, don’t be so agitated.

As we spoke, a little cub pounced on another cub that had just been sleeping soundly beside it, and the two started playfighting.

MC: Xia Yan, Xia Yan, look… they’ve rolled up together. So cute!!

As the two lion cubs grappled, they started a game of chase, their charmingly naïve looks enjoyable to see.

I held up the camera and pressed the shutter successively, selecting different angles to record the lion cubs’ game, one after another.

Xia Yan: Are they racing? Do your best, little guy, don’t lose.

Xia Yan excitedly cheered on the faraway lion cubs, a brilliant smile all over his face.

The sunset’s golden colour softened his silhouette, full of vitality as it was, bursting with unusually eye-catching liveliness.

MC: Xia Yan, Xia Yan! Turn your head!

Xia Yan: Huh?

Xia Yan heard me call out to him and turned around naturally… I took this instant to press the shutter.

Xia Yan: Eh?

MC: It’s a trip, so we’ve got to take photos and commemorate this! Hm… the angle of this one is just right.

Xia Yan: Let me see!

MC: I look a picture of you with Peanut, with the faraway trees and sunset. Does this view count as a qualified tourist picture?

As if presenting a treasure, I showed Xia Yan the picture I’d just taken.

In the lens, the setting sun dyed golden the earth and the youthful smile that shone together. It captured this trip’s most beautiful moment.

Xia Yan: Thank you for taking such a great picture for me. Although… to be a qualified tourist picture, it’s still missing a bit.

MC: What’s it missing?

Xia Yan: It’s missing you. Without a joint picture, how can it be a tourist picture?

As he spoke, Xia Yan took the camera I was holding, preparing to set it to photo-taking mode anew.

MC: Ah, wait. I didn’t take enough photos!

I rejected Xia Yan’s recommendations, pointing the camera lens at him again.

MC: I want to take a few more photos for you.

Every time we come out to travel, all sorts of photos related to me took up all the storage in Xia Yan’s camera.

This time, I wanted to change it up… using my camera to make a record of him.

Xia Yan: Sure… then I’ll change a pose.

Xia Yan cooperatively stood back at where he was before.

MC: Mm… turn your head around a little more.

I hummed in agreement as I instructed Xia Yan to continue posing.

Xia Yan: Like this?

MC: Angle your body right… okay, don’t move.

Xia Yan: Alright, let’s not just take pictures of me. Come on, let’s take a picture together?

MC: I’ll take one more photo, and then we can.

In the golden sunset, I looked at him through the lens. Xia Yan’s eyes were as bright as gems, sparklingly lustrous.

I smiled with him, warmth lingering in my heart, becoming a scene of unlimited tenderness…

[falseroar]

Dog Days Part 8: Doctor’s Appointment

((A look around one doctor’s office leads Abe to check in with another, although an unexpected find throws the hunter off in his investigation.

Yeah, again, sorry this took so long to get here. This part is on the longer side though, and I have a few more that should be ready to go up over the next couple of days. I’m also hoping to get this story done without any more big breaks.

Since it’s been a while, here’s a link to Part 7: Leaving the Clinic, and one for the entire series so far.))

It was a long night, and Abe might have almost dozed off once or twice or half a dozen times, but he kept his watch on the front door of the clinic and the steady trickle of people entering and leaving throughout the dark hours. Some were in and out in less than half an hour, others took longer, but by his count no one went in that didn’t come out. So that was one easy point in the doctor’s favor, although missing patients sure would have made ending this case early a possibility.

No, the last patient left around 4:30 AM, and it was in the still darkness of 5 AM before the doctor himself stepped out of the clinic and locked the door behind him.

Interesting--even with the late sunrise in the fall, that didn’t leave much time before dawn. Unless the vampire was willing to cut it close, he couldn’t live that far from his clinic, especially as the doctor turned and began walking away rather than going to one of the cars parked on the street.

Abe hesitated. He had two immediate options: follow the doc and see where he holed up during the day, or check out the clinic.

As soon as the doctor rounded the corner, the hunter impulsively jumped out of his car, only to nearly wind up face first in the gutter along with the leaves and trash when his head and body refused to cooperate.

Right. How long had it been since he last got some real sleep? And that little binge he went on back at the house yesterday hadn’t helped much. His head pounded as his vision shifted before resettling, and he swallowed back a bad taste in the back of his mouth while he leaned against the car and waited for his legs to wake up.

On second thought, maybe checking out the doc’s clinic while he could be sure it was empty was the real way to go. There would be other chances to see where the vampire spent his days.

Abe trudged across the silent street to the front door of the office and looked around, despite the obvious lack of anyone else out at this unholy hour of the morning, before kneeling down in front of the lock. A few minutes working with his personal set of lock picks, followed by a quick search that turned up a spare key hidden behind a loose brick, and he was in.

He closed the door softly behind him, waiting for several heartbeats to make sure the building really was silent, before he started looking around the place.

First up was the waiting room, which was clean and well taken care of, but Abe noticed that not all of the chairs matched, like they had been bought secondhand separately rather than as a set, and while he didn’t know much about art, the calming paintings on the walls all had a bargain bin look to them. Behind the receptionist’s desk, he found an older PC that he didn’t bother with turning on, and more importantly a binder full of dated sign-in sheets.

For a moment, he perked up at the idea of a record of the kind of people who came here, but after turning through a few pages of obviously false names, including the occasional that looked like someone couldn’t even be bothered (unless some parents out there really decided to call their kid ‘Burnt Arm’) he decided that was a bust. There was an appointment book, but all of the entries were little more than a time and set of initials, with the occasional note in what looked to possibly be German, although the writing was so cramped and hurried that it might as well have been scribbles to Abe.

Seeing nothing else of interest, Abe opened the door next to the desk onto a small hallway, where the first door was to the office of the doctor himself. Right where he could keep both doors open in order to keep an eye on the waiting room if needed, a suspicion that grew stronger when Abe spotted the twin door stoppers near the wall. There were only a few examining rooms, a set of swing doors, and then a door at the end of the hall marked as the supply closet, and that was the entire place.

So, the clinic took on patients who weren’t keen on giving their real names, and judging from the décor and the size of the place they either weren’t the kind of clientele to pay out a lot or the kind to care about the look of the place, although both was definitely an option. If this handwriting belonged to the doctor like Abe suspected, then he was doing desk work that could be put off on a receptionist or nurse. Either this Henrik guy worked alone or he couldn’t keep someone else around every night, and Abe was just self-aware enough not to start guessing why that might be.

Deciding to work his way from the back to the front, Abe checked the supply closet first and found nothing out of the ordinary, or at least as far as he could guess. It was a large room, with a cot set to one side with a neatly folded blanket on top of it, which combined with the lack of windows must have made it a decent enough back up plan if the doctor couldn’t get home before sunrise. There were bulk packages of standard medical equipment and first aid supplies, but it wasn’t like this place was equipped to be a pharmacy or anything. And no body bags or stash of refrigerated and conveniently labeled stolen blood packs, which was…probably fortunate, although Abe would have appreciated an excuse to wrap this case up early and get the information he wanted in exchange already.

But walking through the set of swing doors next showed that this place wasn’t just for taking care of the occasional burn or bruise. Abe took one look at the small area with its sinks and gowns and other prep supplies and the glass window that showed the surgery room beyond, and quickly backed out again.

There was nothing wrong about the room, it was thankfully clean and the most well-maintained place he had seen so far in the building, but the silent and waiting table in the center of a tiled and easily cleanable room surrounded by lights and waiting equipment gave his imagination far too much material to work with. The examination rooms also looked absolutely ordinary, although he tried not to think too hard about why someone would feel the need to use so much air freshener on top of the sharp scent of cleaning supplies when taking care of one room in particular.

Which just left the office of the doctor himself.

Despite being roughly the same size as any of the exam rooms, the space felt smaller thanks to the choice to add in shelves crammed with row after row of texts that hid any wall space that wasn’t already covered in framed diplomas and certificates, some of which looked a little sketchy to Abe. The desk was turned so that anyone sitting at it could see straight into the waiting room when both doors were open, again confirming Abe’s theory about the doctor running this place alone at least on occasion. Said desk had a stack of files waiting to be returned to the waiting cabinet, along with some random pieces of papers and other odds and ends.

A look at the shelves found a lot of medical texts, but Abe was surprised to find more than a few familiar titles. He pulled off one that was identical to one of his own, until he opened it and found that the doctor had taken a vastly different approach to his notes and underlining compared to the hunter’s when it came to, for example, the sections on the anatomy of kappas or the habits of nagas. While his own personal notes made corrections based on what he’d had to do to survive past cases, the doctor’s notes were about how to spot warning signs of blood loss or recommended hours of sleep.

Interesting, but not helpful.

Returning the book to the shelf, Abe turned to the desk and took a quick look through the files that were practically just begging for someone to take a peek. Again, any patient names or anything that could be used to identify them was reduced to a series of letters and numbers that meant nothing to Abe, but he could at least read the notes on suspected conditions and treatments. He even found “Burnt Arm” again, and more than enough to guess that at least half of these patients weren’t, in fact, human.

He closed the last file and made a conscious effort to forget what he read there as he tried to focus on what else was there on the doctor’s desk. A paperweight that looked like a spiral trapped in glass, a foam stress ball, some scattered notes that Abe skimmed over without actually reading until he realized that one of said notes was actually written on the back of a prescription note from a local hospital. The handwriting on the prescription was different but somehow just as terrible as the doctor’s, and while he couldn’t read that he could read the type on the header: “From the desk of Dr. Iplier.”

“Finally,” Abe muttered to himself as he made a note of the name and hospital in his own notebook. A lead, or at least a contact of Dr. Schneeplestein’s who might have something to say against or in defense of the vampire.

There was nothing else of interest on the desk, and Abe took just enough of a look in the file cabinet to determine that it was full of more confidential patient files. Even if he had the time to go through them all, he felt just uncomfortable enough about the idea to give it a pass for now. Ready to call it a day and get out of here before the rest of the city woke up and someone spotted him leaving, Abe did pause to check the drawers of the desk.

The top drawer was filed with an assortment of pens, pencils, paperclips, and other office supplies, and the one underneath was filled with spare paper and notepads and a few more files.

And, tucked away in the corner where Abe might have missed it if it hadn’t caught the light overhead, a small, round plastic container with a label on the side that proved to be blank when he pulled it out.

And resting inside was a misshapen, used bullet, blood still clinging to its silver surface.

---

Abe spent too long, checking the files, looking for any sign of the patient who had entered the clinic with that silver bullet inside of them, but there was nothing. Nothing, except for a scribbled note on one of the crumpled pieces of paper that littered the desk.

How to trace?

Nothing on its own, if Abe hadn’t recognized the names and numbers of some local weapons dealers, along with the contact information of the Institute that was hastily but not completely scribbled out.

Abe made his own copy of the list, although his hand was shaking so bad that he could barely read his own handwriting. When he stepped outside of the clinic a few minutes later, he had to lean against the brick wall outside and catch his breath in the dawning sunlight before he locked the door behind him and returned the spare key to its hiding place.

He should go back to the office, try to get some sleep, think about this, he knew all that. Just as much as he knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep at all while the image of that used bullet was still in the back of his mind. At least, not until he was so exhausted that there wasn’t any other choice but to close his eyes.

Determined to at least get something useful done until then, Abe got back into his car and took a little drive.

Aside from the patients who had to be there early for surgery and the regular ER crowd, the hospital was relatively quiet when Abe walked in the front doors, feeling close to naked without his heavy hunter’s jacket and accompanying weapons that for some reason weren’t welcome in this establishment. Muttering under his breath and rolling up his shirtsleeves, Abe made his way to the reception desk only to stop short at the familiar face standing behind it.

“What the hell?” Abe said aloud before he could stop himself.

“Good morning,” Google answered, although his stare suggested anything but it. “Do you have an appointment?”

“Wha—Is that it? Is your client another doctor, is that what’s going on here?” Abe asked, and the Google unit’s frown only grew more pronounced.

“I do not understand what you are talking about. If you wish to make an appointment, please specify the doctor you are looking for. If this is an emergency, I can direct you to our Emergency Room where trained staff is standing by.”

“You don’t understand—” Abe sighed and ran a hand over his face before moving closer to the desk and lowering his voice. “I’m here about what we discussed yesterday, remember?”

Google looked him up and down behind his glasses, and Abe swore he could hear the hum of magic and electricity whirring behind that chest before he spoke again. “Your face does not match any of my records. Perhaps you are thinking of another magitek unit?”

“Look, if you can’t talk about it now, just say so, but don’t pretend you’re someone else just because you have on a different shirt now,” Abe said. The green shirt was literally the only difference he could see between this man and the one standing outside his office yesterday, and even then, they both had the same “G” on their chest for crying out loud. “I’m here to see a Dr. Iplier. Which way to his office?”

“…I would argue this point further, but I suspect that would be an inefficient use of my resources. Please wait while I check Dr. Iplier’s schedule,” he said before freezing, his eyes focusing on some point in the mid distance while Abe wondered if he had just been insulted. Just as Abe was thinking about checking a directory and hoping for the best once he found the right floor, Google suddenly came back to himself and said, “Dr. Iplier does not have an official appointment until 9 AM. However, he has noted that he is expecting someone to come by this morning and that I am to let them pass without question.”

“Fantastic,” Abe said, already questioning the security around here but not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. “Can you tell me the way to his office?”

Hell of a name, Dr. Iplier. Part of Abe was tempted to ask if there was a relation, but he knew Mark had changed his name when he started acting and even then he only picked a name he liked the sound of. Still didn’t sit right with him, when he had to say it out loud after all these years.

Said doctor barely had time to look up at the knock before his office door opened and the hunter let himself in. There was only a slight pause before he asked, “Can I help you?”

“Yeah, yeah I think maybe you can,” Abe said. “That Google thing up front, he work for you?”

“Google is considered to be hospital property, so in a sense, yes he does,” Dr. Iplier said, slowly putting his pen down. “Why do you ask? He hasn’t caused another...incident, has he?”

“Another one?” Abe paused at that but decided to press on with the train of thought already in progress. “Hospital property. So if someone who worked for the hospital, maybe a doctor perhaps, were to send that thing to, say, my office, you could do that?”

The doctor started to say something, stopped, and then started again. “I’m sorry, are you saying that you saw that Google outside of the hospital yesterday? Because that’s impossible, that magitek unit is bound to these premises, it literally cannot leave the building without a serious rewrite of its system.”

“…What?” Abe said, feeling the sudden rush of having figured all this out just as quickly evaporating with each passing second. “Wait, there really is…more than one…”

The doctor nodded with almost condescending patience while Abe felt he could have started this conversation off better by just going ahead and shooting himself in the foot. But one doctor using someone else to accuse another doctor of some vague and as yet undiscovered scandal just to put his practice under and maybe gain some new business, it would have been so simple.

“Yes, that Google was a donation, I believe, straight from the creator, but I really don’t know much more than that,” Dr. Iplier confessed. “You’ll have to ask someone else if you want to know more, magic and technology aren’t really my area of specialty. Now, unless you’re here about a medical issue and willing to make an appointment, would you kindly leave?”

His tone more than anything was enough to snap Abe out of his disappointment and straight back into his usual resting state of anger and accusations.

“How about if I have a medical question for someone else? One I think you might be familiar with,” Abe said, pacing slowly across the plush carpet of the doctor’s office which was much less cluttered than Dr. Schneeplestein’s and offered more space to move around and ignore the waiting chair opposite the doctor’s desk.

“When a vampire enters the city, they have to get through a whole rigamarole to get registered, right? Been that way for—a while, yeah?” Abe started, pausing only slightly when he tried to recall when that became a thing. He could remember clearly the whole upset that caused along with the other Bronson Institute-backed policies, but it all started to blend together after a while. “Public hospitals like this one are involved in that process, right?”

“That’s…correct,” Dr. Iplier answered, his tone and expression clearly showing his confusion at trying to piece together how this was connected to Abe’s other questions. “Mercy Green is one of several hospitals that are part of the sponsorship program. I can’t speak of the number, of course, but we do have some…participants who are scheduled to come by and pick up their rations.”

“You do know you can just say blood, right?” Abe said. “Where’s that blood come from, again?”

“Well, we do have some donors who come through us to give to certain participants in a safe, controlled environment, but the majority of it comes from recently deceased people who had already agreed to be donors, similar to how we get organ donations. We can’t use that blood for living patients, but the vampire immune system is capable of handling it.”

Abe nodded along like he was listening, but this was all stuff he already knew. His real focus was on the doctor, the way he sometimes hesitated before choosing the “appropriate” word, the way his eyes watched the hunter but at one point flickered downward and to his left. Moving on the pretense of examining the doctor’s license on the wall (from Nicaragua, a fact which on a normal probably would have earned a few questions on its own), Abe turned around and caught a glimpse of the mini fridge under the doctor’s desk.

Interesting.

“Why exactly are you asking me about this?” Dr. Iplier asked. “This is all public information; you can literally find all this out by looking online or attending one of the Institute’s outreach events. And I would hope that a hunter would know this.”

Abe couldn’t resist glancing down, wondering what had given him away with all of his usual gear back in his car. Deciding to brush it off for now, he answered, “I like to brush up on what I think I know every now and then. For example, I know registered vamps are limited on how much they can ‘withdraw.’ But what I want to know is if there are any signs that a vampire might be sucking a little off the top.”

The doctor’s expression became very fixed, and after a second to hear to replay what he just said, Abe quickly corrected himself, “I mean, what’s it look like if someone’s drinking more than they’re allowed?”

“…Right,” Dr. Iplier said, after a cough to clear his throat. “Are you familiar with the feeling of coming off of a hangover?”

“We’re acquainted,” Abe answered. Acquainted, lived together with so long that he might as well be common law married to the feeling, same thing.

“Based on the way they describe it, one step above that is where your typical vampire is at while on the current ration. Just enough to keep them from, and again not my choice of words, going ‘feral.’ With the right support network and regular rations, they can control their impulse to feed, but in my experience, most turn to something else to take the edge off, such as caffeine or alcohol or binge-watching sitcoms, that sort of thing.”

“Sounds like a recovering addict waiting to snap,” Abe pointed out. “One missed ration and it’s over.”

“Unfortunately, yes. That’s what comes of keeping people at the bare minimum to survive,” Dr. Iplier said, and Abe saw the small wince around his eyes as the doctor immediately regretted his words. “That is, I can see why there are campaigns to change the arrangement, and it’s less surprising when a vampire turns to alternative methods for acquiring additional blood. In that case, I suspect the obvious signs would be…more energy, less reliance on coping mechanisms, greater tolerance for typical weaknesses such as garlic or sunlight in limited doses, such as being able to go out on cloudy days, that sort of thing. Depending on the quality and how much of an illegal supply they have access to, they’re also more likely to forget about their official rations, which makes a registered vampire failing to show up a huge red flag for multiple and equally bad reasons.”

The doctor fidgeted with the pen in his hand before firmly placing it down on the desk and sitting back in his chair. “Fortunately, I’m proud to say that this hospital has had a 100% success rate in keeping our registered undead healthy and a non-issue for Institute…employees such as yourself.”

Abe’s palm hit the doctor’s desk with a loud smack and honestly a bit of a sting, but the hunter didn’t allow himself to wince as he leaned toward the doctor and said, “I may be a hunter, but I’m not with the Institute. Believe it or not, I have standards, and I need to know if—if I can…”

He trailed off, distracted by a scent he had failed to notice before, one that he was quickly able to trace to the bottle on the corner of the doctor’s desk. Despite being sealed, the smell of the liquid inside had managed to penetrate out, and just a whiff of it was enough to completely derail any of Abe’s remaining thoughts.

“…Hunter?” Dr. Iplier prompted once the silence went on a little too long, his eyes nervously tracing out the bead of sweat that had appeared on the hunter’s brow while his mind seemed to be miles, or decades, away.

“Sorry, that’s…I knew a witch who made a burn cream that—it just smells the same, I…” Abe’s words wandered out, his mind back on the small bottle he left on the District Attorney’s desk all those years ago.

“Yes, I wouldn’t be surprised if more than a few of our medicines came from that kind of source,” Dr. Iplier admitted as he picked up the bottle and shook the contents inside. “I could see why a hunter would use it, it’s certainly strong stuff.”

Strong enough to heal silver burns on a werewolf. Abe swallowed, remembering the color draining from the District Attorney’s face, their hand pressed to their side.

“Are you okay?” The doctor’s voice sounded far away as Abe’s mind went back to that house, to the used silver bullet in Schneeplestein’s office, to his promise to get them out of there, to the blast of the gun firing and his own chest burning with each heartbeat he shouldn’t have.

It was the knock at the office door that snapped Abe out of it, or at least gave hive him the sense to get out of here now before he said or did something he would regret. How long had it been since he’d had any sleep? And add that little binge at the house yesterday before keeping watch in a car all night, and it was becoming more and more obvious to Abe that coming here was a stupid mistake. Mumbling something about needing to keep an appointment, Abe yanked open the door just in time to surprise the young man standing on the other side, his hand raised to knock again.

“Oh, uh, sorry, I didn’t realize someone else was in here,” he said. “I’m just here to pick up something—"

“Don’t worry about it, I was just leaving,” Abe muttered as he brushed by, only to pause and look again once he was out in the hallway. “…Do I know you?”

Young guy, bright eyes under the brim of that dad cap he was wearing even if they were ringed with dark hollows that looked like Abe’s own bags, jeans, t-shirt, he looked like every other kid Abe saw around these days, but he couldn’t shake the feeling even as the guy shrugged.

“Don’t think so, unless you’ve seen my vlogs?” he answered, although his tone suggested he didn’t think Abe fit in the usual audience. A good guess, since Abe didn’t even know what a vlog was.

“Never mind,” Abe muttered as he shook his head and kept walking, eager to get some fresh air.

Chase looked over his shoulder at the hunter and then back at Dr. Iplier, who could only muster a half-hearted shrug before inviting him in.

((End of Part 8. Thank for you reading, and thank you all for being patient with me!

Link to Part 9: Preparations.

Tagging: @silver-owl413 @skyewardlight @withjust-a-bite @blackaquokat @catgirlwarrior @neverisadork @luna1350 @oh-so-creepy @weirdfoxalley @95fangirl @lilalovesinternet-l @thepoolofthedead @a-bit-dapper @randomartdudette @geekymushroom @cactipresident @hotcocoachia @purple-anxiety-blog @shyinspiredartist @avispate @missksketch @autumnrambles @authorracheljoy @liafoxyfox ))

[accioharry]

just stay for a moment & heal with me | brightwell (post 1x10)

dani reunites with malcolm after his kidnapping. 

this fic is based off the song All of the Love in the World by Lily Kershaw. I fell in love with it and it's literally brightwell and now I'm emotional!!!

read here on ao3 | word count: 3.2k

Dani woke up to her phone ringing on her nightstand. She grumbled, knowing full well she put her phone on do not disturb before she fell asleep. The moonlight coming in from her window allowed her to see in the darkness as she fumbled for her phone, answering it without even checking the caller ID.

“We got him,” Gil’s voice came through before she could even say anything. “Malcolm…we…we got him.” His voice was full of emotion, as though he couldn’t believe it himself.

She shot up like a light, suddenly fully awake. Her hand shook as she gripped the phone. “What…what? Is he...” she couldn’t bring herself to say it. “Where? How?”

“He’s alive, but it’s not looking good Dani,” Gil’s voice cracked. “Just…get here, to the hospital.”

Dani had never obeyed an order so quickly as soon as Gil hung up the phone, presumably calling JT or Edrisa. She nearly fell out of bed, rushing to her dresser to throw on a pair of jeans and an old college T-shirt. Her mind was racing in a thousand different directions. They got him. They got him…They saved him.

It had been six weeks since Malcolm disappeared, taken by the Junkyard Killer. Six weeks of Dani crashing on the couch at the station, of Gil and Jessica fighting, of JT not cracking a single joke. Six weeks of Ainsley bringing coffee for the team on her way to work every morning and Edrisa bringing homemade desserts every other night. Six weeks of exhausting every resource, every lead, every interview, and they always came up with nothing. For six weeks, Dani had never felt so alone.

Malcolm Bright came into her world unexpectedly, crashing into her life like a hurricane. At first, she didn’t know what to make of him. Here was the son of The Surgeon, one of the world’s worst serial killers, brought onto a case without any clarification from her colleagues. Within hours of meeting he was in her arms waking up from the worst nightmare she had ever seen someone go through. She frantically caught him as he held a person’s hand in a cooler after a bomb had gone off in a building. She made sure he stayed alive the night he accidentally got high, admitting to him more about her past than she had ever planned on sharing.

That was the night she started to feel things for Malcolm Bright, but she’d never admit that. The night he told her she could trust him, and the night she decided to let him in.

Then he was gone.

The drive to the hospital was the longest drive of her life. It was raining but Dani didn’t think about running back inside for an umbrella. At 2 am the only thing on her mind was Malcolm. An ambulance passed her apartment complex as she was walking to her car, and her heart stopped. The chances of it being Malcolm were next to nothing as she knew darn well Gil would have a police escort to the hospital, but it still made her pause. It still made her heart drop as the rain fell on her.

The street lights felt like spotlights as she drove. Each one highlighting a different part of her short time with Malcolm Bright. She smiled to herself as she remembered when Malcolm brought her tea, or when he told her that her hands were too cold. She didn’t bring gloves and knew JT would tell her she’d get hypothermia, but she didn’t turn back. Her hands were cold and all she wanted was Malcolm to get the chance to tell her that one more time.

She parked badly but didn’t stick around long enough to check. She followed the sounds of sirens to the back of the hospital, to the ambulance entrance. She recognized Gil helping Jessica and Ainsley out of a police car, no doubt he sent an officer to pick them up.

“Gil!” She called, running to catch up to them. She was out of breath by the time she reached them, Jessica putting her arms out to steady her. In the past six weeks, Jessica and Ainsley Whitly had become something of a family to her, another part of Malcolm’s life she never thought would intertwine with her own.

“Dani, where’s your umbrella?” Ainsley asked. Dani shook her head.

“Where is he?” She asked as they walked into the ER. There were cops everywhere.

“They flew him in about a half-hour ago, he’s in surgery,” Gil explained. A helicopter meant things were serious…it meant Malcolm didn’t have a lot of time left.

“Where was he? What happened?” Dani knew she was still shaking, but she wasn’t sure if it was the adrenaline or the cold.

Gil pulled her and Ainsley aside as Jessica spoke to doctors across the room. “I need to prepare Jessica and Ainsley for this, but I meant what I said on the phone, it’s not good.” He gestured for Ainsley to step aside. She refused.

“Gil,” she protested. If Dani had learned anything about the Whitly family in the past six weeks, they all were extremely stubborn and resilient. Asking Ainsley to walk away would be asking Malcolm to walk away from a homicide case. It wouldn’t happen.

Gil stared at the two for a moment before nodding. “We found him about two hours north of here, in the middle of nowhere in a cabin. Watson was shot on scene after he attempted to shoot at officers. Malcolm was in the basement.”

“What was his condition?” Ainsley asked.

“He…he was barely conscious. I got to him first and he was dehydrated, starved, and badly injured. There was…a lot of blood. He was holding on for us, and when they prepared to take him to the hospital...” he trailed off.

“He what?” Dani asked. When Gil didn’t answer she raised her voice and asked again, “What happened?”

Nothing could have prepared her for when Gil said the words, “His heart stopped.”

Suddenly, Ainsley had dropped into the chair behind her. Dani was frozen, stuck standing in what felt like hell. This had to be hell because what could be worse than this? She didn’t even realize she was crying until she felt a teardrop.

“No,” she mumbled. “He didn’t die, he’s…he’s in surgery. He’s going to be fine, right? Gil, please tell me he’s going to be fine.”

“Dani, I can’t promise anything…you know that.”

“I should’ve been there!” She argued. “I should’ve been with him! Why didn’t you take me with you? Why’d you send me home tonight?”

“It was a long shot, Dani, you’re too close to this. The FBI said they didn’t want any of us there, I fought tooth and nail just to override that for myself. I did my best, but I knew it was better to not disappoint you again in case we came home empty-handed.”

“But you didn’t come home empty-handed,” her voice broke. “Gil…I can’t…” she sobbed, feeling Ainsley’s arm pulling her down into the chair next to her.

“Dani,” she started. “He’s going to be fine, he held on for us, remember that. He held out until we got him, now we have to hold on for him.”

Dani nodded, looking up when she heard footsteps entering the room. JT and his wife came in, both looking frantic and confused. Both were speaking to Gil in hushed tones, probably not to alert Jessica. Dani knew Gil would tell her in a few minutes, but wanted to spare her the pain for as long as possible. JT came to her, pulling her into his arms, and Dani let herself cry.

Malcolm was in surgery for eight hours. Gil broke the news to Jessica about Malcolm’s heart stopping, and Dani feared she’ll never forget the sound of Jessica Whitly’s heart shattering. Gil and JT did their best to comfort her, reminding her that Malcolm was still alive, just as Ainsley had to remind Dani. Regardless, his heart had stopped. They got there in time, but was it enough?

Dani paced the halls of the ER for the first few hours until Edrisa showed up around 4 am. She took one look at Dani and shuffled her and Ainsley out the door to the nearest 24 hour Starbucks down the street. Together the three of them sat and watched the sunrise, as the city woke up and began their day. Cars honking, people running in for coffee before work, even doctors from the hospital coming between their shifts.

“How can the world still be going?” Ainsley had asked at one point, her eyes not leaving her coffee cup. “How are they so oblivious to what’s happening?” Her voice was so quiet, it reminded Dani that even though she was hurting, Ainsley was hurting more. She was still Malcolm's baby sister, the one who saw his night terrors first hand and slept on the floor of his room when they were children. Dani didn’t say anything, but Edrisa reached over and took Ainsley’s hand.

They got back to the hospital around 7 am, not even realizing they had spent the past three hours in a coffee shop. Dani felt guilty but also knew the fresh air was good for her. They had brought back breakfast for everyone else, even though Ainsley had begged Jessica to go with them, knowing it was no use. The ER was different, a shift change meant new nurses and new doctors, new families waiting for their loved ones. A doctor had come out at one point, briefing Jessica and Gil about something Dani didn’t understand. Something to do with his brain activity and that was all she needed to force herself not to listen anymore.

Malcolm was out of surgery at 10 am.

By some miracle, his heart kept beating. The next 12 hours were critical for his brain, but things were looking positive. A doctor had the group moved into a private waiting area in the hospital as Malcolm was taken to be admitted to the ICU. He had a punctured lung, a few broken ribs, and had wounds on his abdomen causing him to bleed out, most likely from a knife of some sort. His lack of oxygen and his heart working to make up for the lost blood is what put him in the cardiac arrest.

Right now, Malcolm needed blood and a lot of it. The critical part was until Malcolm woke up, there was no way to tell how much damage was done to his brain during his arrest.

Dani refused to go home and change, let alone leave the waiting room. Jessica, Ainsley, and Gil went into the ICU first, not wanting to overwhelm Malcolm or the nurses. The doctors were slowly taking him off the sedation medication, but the time it would take him to fully wake up would at least be a few days. Regardless,

Dani knew she was here for the long haul, regardless of the circumstances.

Ainsley came back around thirty minutes after she had gone into the ICU. Her eyes were red and her face was stained with tears. Her normally curled blonde hair was falling out of the messy bun she had it in when she arrived, and Malcolm’s old college sweatshirt looked as though she had been chewing on the sleeves from her nerves. She sat down in the chair next to Dani, tucking her feet under her.

“How is he?” JT asked after a moment of silence. Ainsley took a deep breath, fiddling with the sleeves of Malcolm’s sweatshirt.

“He’s on a lot of morphine,” she started. “The nurse said he could potentially hear us talking to him, but he wasn’t reacting to anything Mom or Gil were saying,” she wiped tears from her eyes. “They aren’t giving him any more sedation medication, so he could start waking up in a few hours or as long as a week.”

“How are his injuries?” Edrisa asked, sipping her coffee.

“It’s hard to tell. The doctors decided he didn’t need to be on a ventilator because he never crashed during surgery and his heart rate was able to maintain normal levels once they started the blood transfusion. The nurse who changed his bandage on his stomach said it looked better already compared to when he came in, but he isn’t out of the woods yet. Not until we know his brain function.”

“Go see him, Dani,” JT said. Dani shook her head.

“Family only,” she muttered, nodding to Ainsley. “It’s okay, I don’t mind.”

“Gil pulled strings. We all can’t go in together until he’s out of ICU, but I can sneak you in Dani.” Ainsley stood up. “He’ll want to hear your voice.”

Dani had never been in an ICU. It was a small unit with nurses at every turn. Code blue machines were parked in the hall, ready to go at a moment’s notice. Dani noticed one was outside Malcolm's room as they went in. Gil and Jessica had stepped out of the room when she and Ainsley arrived.

Dani covered her mouth with her hand to hold in her cries when she saw Malcolm. He looked so vulnerable, so broken lying in that hospital bed. He was connected to too many machines to count, one for his oxygen, one for his heart, and one for monitoring his brain function. Ainsley nudged her so she’d walk into the room.

“He might hear you if you talk to him,” she muttered, before stepping out herself.

Tentatively, Dani walked towards the bed. If you took away all the machines, Malcolm just looked as though he was sleeping. He had a bandage on his forehead, one on his chin, and Dani knew the rest were under his hospital gown. The only sounds in the room were the machines, and Dani was so grateful to hear the heart machine. It meant he was here, that he was alive.

He was home.

She moved to walk around the bed, but her hand brushed his. She pulled back…he was so cold.

“Your…your hands are cold,” she said, forcing her voice not to break. She stared at him for a moment waiting for him to blink, to smile, to laugh, even though she knew he still had the sedation medication in his system. Gently, Dani put his hand in her own, careful not to pull on his IV. She tucked it under the blanket. The nurses would have to access his IV for medication, but for now, Dani wanted him to be warm. He needed to be warm.

Malcolm woke up three days later.

Even though she wanted it to, life didn’t stop. Dani was needed at the station and was grateful Gil had placed her and JT on desk duty while Malcolm was in the hospital. It wasn’t safe for them to be in the field when their minds were somewhere else.

Dani had gotten into a routine of going to the hospital after work, meaning that during the day she was going stir crazy sorting through case files that needed to be digitalized. On day three, she had enough. She told Gil she was taking a sick day, and he had smiled at her knowingly, gesturing his head in the direction of the hospital.

Dani stopped at home to grab another book and a coffee. It felt like a lifetime ago when she and Malcolm had gotten into the topic of reading and Malcolm had a list of book recommendations at the tip of his tongue. Most were about serial killers, not surprisingly, but Dani had taken note anyways. She didn’t look at the list while he was gone, but now had a small pile of books on Malcolm’s hospital nightstand that she had read. When everyone stepped out to speak with doctors, Dani even read out loud to him.

She wasn’t expecting Ainsley to run at her when she entered the ICU. Dani panicked, what happened? What went wrong?

“He’s awake!”

It took Dani a moment to process what Ainsley said. “What…what?”

“Apparently it happened last night. My mom didn’t call me because she wanted me to sleep, but I found out when I got here this morning. He’s been responding to us most of the day, but sometimes he struggles, especially because his body has been through so much. They’re going to sedate him so he can sleep without night terrors tonight because they don’t want him to hurt himself.” Ainsley let out a huge breath, having said all of that without pausing.

“But…” Dani shook her head. “His brain? It’s fine?”

“It looks like it, physically anyways,” Ainsley’s voice softened. “He isn’t talking about anything he’s been through; he just stops talking if we come close to mentioning it. Even if I tell him about things that have happened while he was…missing…he stops.” She shrugged, crossing her arms. “It’s more than I expected to be honest,” she looked back at his hospital room. “He’s been asking for you. I’m going to call my mom,” she patted Dani on the shoulder on her way out of the ICU.

It took Dani longer than she’d like to admit to getting her legs moving towards Malcolm’s room. Once she had processed everything Ainsley had said, she nearly sprinted to his room at the end of the hall.

Malcolm was watching something on the television, the curtains of his room pulled back to let the light in. He was sitting up in bed and once he heard her, his eyes turned to Dani. As soon as their eyes met, Dani knew she was going to cry again. She rushed to his bedside.

“Hey,” she smiled softly, not wanting to overwhelm him. God, she missed those blue eyes. She gently sat herself in the chair next to his bed, fully prepared for

Malcolm to ignore her when he turned back to the TV.

“You said my hands were cold,” he whispered. Dani wasn’t sure if it was the mental or physical trauma that made him speak so quietly.

She wiped her tears with her sleeve. “You heard me,” she murmured.

He nodded. “You read to me…it was nice.” She moved to cover his hand with her own. He wasn’t cold anymore.

His eyes found her own. “Thank you for finding me.” It was the first time he acknowledged the past six weeks.

“That was all Gil…I wasn’t there,” Dani felt the guilt build in her stomach. She bit her lip to stop herself from breaking down in front of him.

“You were,” he murmured, a tear falling down his face. “You were always with me.” He had visibly relaxed since she had entered the room, and his hand that was in hers held on tight, as though he was afraid she’d let go. She didn’t.

He was silent for a while and Dani assumed he had fallen asleep. She muted the TV and with one hand, awkwardly reached in her bag for the book she brought. She looked up to see that Malcolm’s eyes had met her own once more.

“Can you read it out loud?” He asked.

Dani nodded, reaching with her arm to brush the hair out of his face. “Yeah, I can.”

Malcolm smiled softly and drifted off to sleep. Thirty minutes later, that’s how Jessica and Gil found them: Malcolm with his hand in Dani’s, her head in his lap, with the book half opened, both sleeping soundly.

[jade-romina]

Haunting A Vampire

 'Why did you write that down? That's not even the important part of the lecture?

 Late at night: I wonder when they'll find my body. You did a shit job hiding it.

 "All I want is at least three hours when you're quiet! If I don't get some sleep, I might kill you all over again."

 'Congratulatioms, once again your lack of control rears its ugly head.' slow claps

 'Your non-corporeal clapping is hilarious. Keep it up' eye roll

 ' If a ghost claps and no one sees it does it really make a sound?'

 'My point exactly. Also, stop staring at me when I get dressed. Don't think I can't see you lurking.'

 Brina: 'How else would you know if your shirt is inside out? You barely have a reflection.'

 'Sure, that's why you do it.' She shakes her head and mutters. 'Creeper.' 

 'Exhibitionist.'

 'Excuse me?! This is my room and I literally can't escape you! You follow me into the bathroom sometimes. Do you really want to drive me mad this badly?'

 Brina: 'You are the dumbest smart person I've ever met. Consider, just for a moment, that I am physically unable to leave you. It's not that fun for me either. Like I wanted to spend your lifetime listening to you shit or watch you primp when you have lectures with the hot lady professor.:

'Doesn't mean you have to sit and watch but whatever.'

 'I'm dead. It's not like I can put on headphones and go for a jog. Maybe next time you kill someone you'll be a little more careful about who that someone is!'

  'It was an accident! I'd never kill someone again. Especially, now.'  'Yeah, sure. An "accident". I believe that.'  'You really think I'm just a murderer?' [4:40 PM, 9/21/2020] Brina: 'Well you murdered me!'  'It's not murder if you didn't intend to kill the person! God...'

 'Oh, I'm sorry. Did I offend your sensibilities after you manslaughtered me?!' 'Don't you mean woman slaughtered?' Jade groaned. 'We could drop the pronouns and stick with slaughtered. That's fairly accurate. Did I even have a throat left when you finished? I know you glutted yourself like a tick. All that power. Wasted on a vampire who couldn't even use it.'

 'Stop! I get it.' She gets up from the bed and rushes into the connected bathroom and leans over the sink, turning on the tap, and splashing water on her face.

 Hops on the vanity and watches a minute. 'Feeling a bit queasy are we?'

 Jade took a deep breath and looked out the doorway. 'Gee, I wonder why.'

 'I almost feel sorry for you.'  'Why? I killed you. I deserve it.' She looked in the mirror, forgetting for the thousandth time that she wouldn't find anything there. 'I never wanted any of this. Just like you never wanted to die. The world is shit and I guess we just deal with it.'

 'Well, you'll have to deal with it. I'm free of all that shit. Sort of.' She hesitated a moment and drew in a deep breath. Not that she could actually breathe. It was habit - instinct? She missed the rush of air, the rise of her chest as it expanded. The pressure of sitting at the bottom of the pool, waiting to break the surface and gulp down fresh air before doing it all over again. 'I'm Romina and I'm going to try to give you some respite. Do you have any salt?'

 "Salt?" Jade searched her mind. The contents of her tiny dorm room where few and far between but the previous occupant had left some things behind so maybe. "I don't know." She went to the only cupboard that she knew might contain old food stuffs and Doug until she reached the back and saw a container of iodized salt. "Here."

 Romina stood to her full height, and lifted her chin. It wasn't indignation. It was a brave face. She had no idea what would happen to her, if anything at all. Logic dictated something would happen though. 'Pour out a pinch of it into your palm and throw it at me.'

 'Um, okay?' Jade opened the container and poured a tiny bit into her palm. This girl was interesting to say the least so she did what she was told and threw the salt.

 Romina fastened her eyes shut as tightly as possible. She hadn't meant to flinch quite so badly. There was a moment, just a moment, where she thought maybe it hadn't worked, but before she could breathe with ease, pain burst through her. The salt burned and she...disappeared. One moment she was with Jade and the next, so was outside, banished from Jade's room. How long the banishing would last she had no idea but it wasn't a permanent fix. She could already feel the pull. It might last until sunrise at best. Jade would at least get some sleep.

 It worked. The ghost, Romina, vanished. Jade watched the spot where she had been, half expecting her to reappear. Nothing happened and she sighed. It was quieter but a little more lonely without her presence.

She rolled her eyes at her own folly and sat back on the bed.

Sleep.

That's what she needed.

Her dreams were turbulent as always. There was blood and pleasure and pain, but most of all guilt. She had done terrible things, not as many as older vampires but enough to let her know that she was a monster deep down.

She shouldn't even be around humans but the need to feel normal didn't go away when you were turned. She still wore the face of a human and with that came all the icky feelings that they possessed.

When she woke, the room was dark but a glow attracted her attention.

'You're back.'

 'Temporary fix.' She shrugged. 'You need privacy, you salt me, but it at least confirmed I am actually stuck with you. One minute I was walking in the woods and the next I was here, listening to you snore.'

 'I don't snore.' Jade scoffed.

The reality of what Romina has said set in after the indignation wore off.

'I really screwed you over, didn't I?'

She sat up in the bed and drew her legs up to her body, resting her head in her hands.

'I'm sorry,' she said softly.

 Watching Jade, the way she curled in on herself, Romina actually felt sorry for her. She had no idea vampires felt anything at all except contempt for people who weren't like them.

'You know how people tell you to be careful what you wish for?' she asked. 'This is probably one of those instances. I mean I didn't want to bed dead but I really wasn't ready to become high priestess either.' [6:31 AM, 9/22/2020] Bre: 

unfortunate encounter but something had stirred in her, a curiosity to seek out something.

'So, you're like witch royalty then?'

 How much could Romina tell Jade? Maybe if she told her enough they could get help. Or she'd send Jade off to be imprisoned for eons.

Nothing big then.

'My mother was witch royalty. Beloved by all. She is now head of the high court. I was meant to leave here and to take her place at the head seat of our coven.'  'Until you met me.' Jade stated.

She pushed her hair away from her face and bit her bottom lip, making herself look at Romina after a pause.

'Does your family know what happened? I mean, what really happened.'

The papers said it was an animal attack of some kind. They always did. Vampire power existed everywhere. No doubt there was one of her kind pulling the strings in every city.  She shrugged. 'Probably but I can't say for certain. Until some hours ago I hadn't been able to leave your side.'

It wasn't as if Romina was free to go snoop on anyone else lest they were within a certain distance of Jade.

'But that said, I was able to find you a meal you could feel good about killing. If you're interested that is.'

 'What?'

Jade relinquished wallowing in her own self-loathing long enough to be intrigued.

She deserved to desiccate and fall away into obscurity but the victim of her literal inner demon was offering her a meal?

'Why are you being nice to me? You don't have to. I understand.'

Romina laid her head back against the wall, and when she didn't just fall through into the other side she sighed. The incongruity of being dead was doing her head in. She could sit on things, lean against things, she could write messages in steam on bathroom mirrors but only Jade saw her. It was fucking weird but that wasn't the issue at hand.

'You don't know me but three weeks of death has given me ample opportunity to know you. To understand what I see in you.' She closed her eyes, picking her words slowly. 'If I'd had known you starved yourself I wouldn't have antagonised you but then again how could I have known? Our societies are kept separate. I get it now. Without extensive stalking you don't know the kosher meals, but being dead I see so much more. I can help. I should help.'

'Oh.'

Jade's head swam with the information. She never mixed with many creatures beyond humans.

Not after what happened the last time. She kept to herself, tried to make a life. When she met Romina it was clear that she was making a mistake.

Pretending to be human, ignoring her needs as a vampire, it led to this.

'It's my fault. I've spent so long trying not to be what I am. Because being a vampire got me locked away for ten years with a lunatic.'

She tugged on the ends of her long hair, a long held habit, and closed her eyes for a beat.

'Maybe it's time to start managing my thirst instead of ignoring it.'

 'Admitting we have needs isn't shameful. The acts of others are not our own.' Romina hopped up from the opposite bed and planted her hands on her hips. 'Now keeping that in mind and forgetting all the shit I gave you for killing me, I'd like to admit the position I held in my coven was that of an assassin. Justice. And I was here hunting someone who hunts women. You finish my job, kill him and take his body to my people, and explain my death was accidental they won't send my replacement to hunt for you.'

 'Are you serious? You want me to hunt a man?'

Jade choked out a laugh and let the feeling of disbelief sit within her.

Could she really let herself do this?

'You realize I'm a ripper, right? If I kill him, I might not stop there."

 'You stopped when I asked you what the hell you thought you were doing shaking your head like a dog with my neck in your mouth.' She bent over, sticking her face right in Jade's and whispered, 'You heard me. You see me. You stopped. I can stop you again.'

[lahijadelmundo]

PARAGUAY – ÑAMONGARU

Ñamongaru – this is a word in the Guarani language, which is one of the national languages of Paraguay. It is being used when in conversation two people or more are agreeing on the same thing or have felt the same. The word can be used, and an action might follow after that. It might be also used to promise something.

The flag of Paraguay

The emotion of going back to Latin America after 4,5 years was indescribably big. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but the fact that I will be there again, no matter what happens, was enough to make me really excited.

My friend Julia invite me on a Erasmus+ project, called “Entrepreneurship Skills 4 Youth” which was happening for 21 months now with various activities as job shadowing, training courses and youth exchanges between the countries of Spain, Italy, Paraguay, Uruguay, Belgium, Bulgaria, Chile and Argentina and financed completely by the European Commission. I was lucky to be part of the last training course in Calabria, Italy and now, on the final Conference and biggest youth exchange in Paraguay, where 5 participants of each country took part in.

Our group of 5 Bulgarians started the trip from Madrid, waking up at 5am to take a transatlantic flight with Air China. All good until the moment when we somehow realized (as the crew wasn´t speaking very well English?!) that the plane must go back as of hydraulic problems. So, after 3 hours of flight over the Atlantic Ocean we turned around to go back to Madrid. At some point there was water coming out from the fin of the airplane. The moment we landed the whole plane was applauding the pilot that he brought us back alive. (Although this manner with the final applause is usual among the Bulgarian population, every time it flies, curious fact, I think). The fact that we were at the point where we started was exhausting enough. After hanging for hours at the airport with no information and some vouchers for junk food, we were finally brought to a hotel where we were told to wait until the plain is fixed and we can fly again. It was a false alarm to pack again and jump into the bus again to take us to the airport, as we have found out, that the plain wasn´t fixed yet…. Back to do the line for check in in the hotel (let us not forget, that the whole plain was checking in in the hotel). At least we got some good sleep and in the morning we had to wait again (with no information provided, again). Later, the bus came and brought us to the airport.

Who would know that this initial, full of stress adventure, will mark our travels? Our friends from the project were joking, that we are bringing the bad luck in the group, but it was no joke that many more crazy and inconvenient things happened - we are laughing about the fact that someone cursed us (maybe not really consciously :D)

Our Bulgarian group in front of the waterfalls, Brazilian side

After many, many hours we finally reached the most gorgeous place in Paraguay -  the biological reserve Tatí Yupí.   It is situated in the district of Hernandarias, Alto Paraná Department and located on the right bank of the Paraná river. The reserve is one of 8 sites earmarked as the ecological reserve by the Itaipu, the largest dam in production in the world, located between Paraguay and Brazil. (The story about the dam later in this post!). When we arrived in the reserve, the only thing we wanted was to sleep. I really don´t remember the last time I went to bed at 9pm and the fact that there was a party and an opera singer in front of our dorm of 20 beds (top and down, unsecured and without a ladder) wasn´t bothering us much, we slept like babies. I woke up naturally at 5am because of the time difference and took a walk towards the river. So peaceful. I was thinking the whole time – I am in heaven. After a chaotic everyday life in a polluted and frenetic big city, being in Tatí Yupí felt like magic to me and something I have been waiting for a long time now. I went to the river dock where at 5:30 I saw the sunrise watching towards Paraná river. I wished I could stay at least for a month in this paradise, but as you know not all wishes come true because of various reasons. We enjoyed for a pretty short time the wild, gorgeous mammals walking around freely (like monkeys and coatis) and the amazing subtropical flora, as we had to go back to reside in Ciudad del Este in a random hotel. Now the reasons for that I will spear, as the whole story pisses me off. :D

Coatis in their natural habitat

Ciudad del Este has nothing much to impress with, as it is an industrial city with much of a trading activity as a border town to Argentina and Brazil. I need to always remind myself, that Ciudad del Este does not represent whole Paraguay, as much difficult it is to imagine that, as we have spent most of the time there. We had some fun nights out and got closer with all participants day by day. We had some great dynamics of getting to know each other, starting with games to remember our names and continuing playing games all night in the reserve.  After our first night out, we stayed until sunrise, still drinking, went straight away to breakfast and then woke up to go to the Itaipu dam.  As mentioned before, this is the largest hydroelectric dam on the Paraná River located on the border between Brazil and Paraguay. We went there at midday, all pretty tired from last night, after waiting quite some time again, we realized, that we were late to catch the latest day visit of the dam. (It is important to mention, that all things, that failed to happen on this trip, were mostly because we were late for some reasons as f.e. the drivers were always late or (spoiler alert!) never appeared :D). Most of the group decided to go back to the hotel to take a rest, before we can visit the dam at night and some of us stayed on a cute little beach called Costanera de Hernandarias where we saw the sunset and had the chance to relax. 

Costanera de Hernandarias

Тhat moment of rest was like a sip of fresh air, as our program continued being filled up with activities and we all wanted to spend as much time as we could together. We were still very tired as we came back to the point to see the light show at the electric dam. And we still waited. I was craving to sleep already; the exhaustion was huge. We were loling so hard after the “breathtaking” light show that lasted no more than couple of minutes and for which we waited literally all day long.

Itaipu Dam

But HEY, this is Paraguay. We have been training our patience big time, as waiting turned out to be the national sport there. We also had a motto “No tengo ni idea” Which means – “I have literally no idea”. That was the most probable answer to many of the questions asked in general. As much as we learned to don´t get angry if something is not functioning, the fact, that we missed out 2 nights of partying just to get up very early, so that we can go the Iguazu falls and the bus organized for us did not come at all, was frustrating so all the hopes, all the plans, all the waiting… in the garbage bin :D

The day we managed to reach the Argentinian side of the waterfalls started with almost no waiting (just 20 minutes) and everything seemed wonderful by then. (About the majesty and the natural wonder itself embodied by the waterfalls I will dedicate my next blog post, because the falls and their charm deserved to be described separately.) 

Iguazu Falls

The moment we did the boat tour, though, it started raining. Really hard. At some point it even started to hail. We were just having bikinis and light clothing on, as you get completely wet under the waterfalls. It was a slight storm in the river, even the boat needed to stop, as nothing was visible. All of us were covering our bodies with the waterproof bags we had, where we have put our valuables – the only thing which helped to cover us a bit. At some moment I was just taking deep breaths and was thinking “relax, it is going to be ok”.  We saw some caimans relaxing on the sand while we were disembarking the boat, thinking “hmmm, we would have made a nice breakfast for these buddies if the boat turned down occasionally”. We reached the starting position, but as the rain did not stop for a very long time we boarded an off-road bus which was the only way to go back, so half an hour more in the pouring rain while in the bus. (That was a roofless bus). And THAT was kind of crazy. No, wait a minute. That was beyond crazy. We were shouting pumped up with adrenaline to feel less the cold. My body was already shaking big time. The moment we dropped off my friend Maria and I gave up on the last part of the tour as we were soaking wet and the only thing we dreamt of was warmth and drought. We bought a T-Shirt as a souvenir, but that was more like a saving lives thing, as the most of us have not planned to take extra clothes. Finally, couple of hours later, when we made ourselves on the way home, some strange “eco-tourism” guys in Argentina stopped the bus and told us that all foreigners have to pay a certain fee, just because of the fact that we are foreigners. All the information provided was peculiar enough for us to refuse to pay, which caused unfortunately more circumstances as the police came and told the driver that he was lacking some documents of the bus, so the vehicle has to be let there and we were thrown out short before the Brazilian border with no idea how to get back to Paraguay (to go back there one shall still cross Brazilian border first in order to cross the so called Friendship Bridge to get to Ciudad del Este). In this crisis situation we were told from our organisators to walk toward a hotel in the middle of nowhere in a forest during the night and to wait there until cars will pick us up. We did not know whether to cry or laugh after all this. As it was somehow an extreme situation, there were tensions between us, but this is normal, when people are not used to situation like this, they have difficulties to stay calm. After we got some water, food and blankets in this hotel we felt again like humans and almost knew how a refugee feels like. The top of the cake was, that when we reached after hours our hotel, our suitcases were left in the Tatí Yupí reserve, as it was planned for us to reach there by night on the first place. There was no chance to go there for one reason or another (``no tengo ni idea``), so practically we stayed in the hotel with the soaked clothes we had on until the next day, when our stuff was brought back.

In the end of our stay, after saying emotional goodbyes, our Bulgarian group was brought the last to the bus station (respectively waited the longest :D), as we needed to catch a bus to Foz do Iguaçu. It turned out, that we have missed the last bus to the city. Nothing can surprise us anyways after all what we have been through. But bad things happen for good, at the end our organizer payed us a taxi to reach our hosts - we have split in two groups and did couch surfing. The half of us had a good experience, the other half landed in a miserable, stinky place with no windows, full of fleas and dogs barking, with a miserable one sofa for two people to sleep on. They have switched to a hostel after getting uber twice -  first to get to our place to get some WiFi and secondly to reach the hostel. The next day the other half of us booked the hostel as well to stay together. Marco das Tres Fronteiras, Eating Açaí Icecream and visiting the local gasolinera for a night party was on the program that last day for us in Brasil.

Marco das Tres Fronteiras 

The journey ended as it started though, I had to wake up after 2.5 hours of sleep and catch a plain from Foz to São Paulo, where I waited for 10 hours to catch a 10 hours transatlantic flight to Madrid, to wait there 12 hours again to catch a 4 hours Ryan Air flight to Sofia. It was soooooo surreal reaching Sofia, it was hard realizing where we were. And don’t ask me how we survived. Worst part was that our Friend Julia had to stay in São Paulo for one more day, as they fucked up something with her flight. Oh, not to forget as well, that they have switched her bag with the bad of another friend, while checking in so she stayed there with her stuff flying away towards Europe.

Hard to believe that all this and much more happened during last two weeks and it was hard to come back to cold Sofia, without all this 40 wonderful people around. These stories above are fun to tell, but the sensationalism will fade with  with time. As one of our Spanish friends said – the people have marked me more than all the mud in the ecological reserve (and this mud does not wash away, by the way). I feel the best when I am in a multicultural environment, it just feels home. All the obstacles and problems we had made us more united, closer and stronger. Despite the extreme situations and all the suffering, we created an amazing and strong connection and this will surely be the seed to something great in the future. All of us had something to give an teach to the rest and it was a remarkable experience overall!!!

Our lovely group

I want to learn Guarani or another indigenous language! I want to learn how to animate a big group of people!  I want to learn how to empower local youth and give it sense of belonging! I want to learn how to create things with my own hands! I want to deepen my knowledge in intercultural communication! I want to learn more about the cities of the future and to get even more familiar with the digital word and social entrepreneurship! I want to meet again all these wonderful people, learn and share with them! I will never forget the awesome moments we had. After all, going back to Latin America has covered my expectations and left me with inspiration and excitement about mutual future projects, that we might work on together.

I am sipping out from my tereré (infusion of yerba mate, similar to mate but prepared with cold water and ice rather than with hot, and in a slightly larger vessel) right now, feeling in the past days and I just want to to say to all my new encounters: “Te veo y veo la belleza, que hay en ti.  Ñamongaru.”

Tereré

[ausblack]

Black Shield | Chapter 3

Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 

Summary: You never really cared about hybrids; you wanted to do something against whoever decided that using human beings as pets was a good idea, but you didn’t think that you were in the position for breaking off that law. There were people more relevant than you that stopped you from doing anything but, when a man with jet black ears joined your side, you realized that maybe nothing was impossible.

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Angst; Fluff; Hybrid!au

Warning: Strong language; Violence

-This is driving me nuts.-

You muttered to yourself, thinking about those things while closing slowly your eyes and sighing one last time before falling asleep.

You were woken up by a loud sound that came from the living room.

You put on your slippers, sliding out of bed and you opened the door of your room, walking towards the source of the noise.

Usually no one was up at that time; your watch read 5:42 am and everyone was asleep in your block.

You panicked thinking that maybe an intruder came into your apartment, until you remember that a couple of hours before you had picked up an hybrid from the street.

He was severely injured, how could he get up so fast? Maybe they healed faster than humans.

You spied from the crack on the door, because you thought that he probably didn’t want to talk to anyone at the moment. 

He was looking around and he tried to open the door of the apartment but it was locked because you were afraid of getting robbed and you believed that having a safe in the house could be a good idea. 

The injured male tried his best not to let out a groan full of pain, but you could see that he was hurting before he had his eyes shut and he was holding tightly the wound that you treated the night before.

You felt bad for him, but in the end you had tried your best to help him.

He let out a low growl when he moved too suddenly and he looked down at the cured wound, remembering that he had been rescued by a girl while he was trying to escape from the hybrid catchers.

You decided that now it was probably the right moment to get out of your little hiding place. 

You opened slowly the door and he turned around to face you, you could tell that he wanted to get out of your house as soon as possibile. 

“Listen, I know that you don’t want to be here but your severely injured.” You tried to speak to him, walking close to him but he let out another growl and you backed off.

“Open the fucking door now.” he told you getting into a defensive position.

You looked at him, examining his ears and his tail.

He looked like he could be some type of big cat.

You nodded at him but you went back to your room instead of the door, leaving him confused.

You wrote quickly your number on a piece of paper before getting back to the living room. 

“Here, You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, but you can call me if you need help with something or if anything is going wrong. I’ll always pick up.” you gave him the small paper and he looked at you.

“I don’t need your help.”His voice was as low as yesterday but he sounded like he was in less pain. 

“Yesterday you did and I think that you should at least say thank you.” You responded to him but he only raised an eyebrow, scoffing in disbelief. 

“I could kill you right now if I wanted to.” He said trying to scare you, but you kept an unfazed expression. You knew that he was just bluffing.  

“And I could call the police and say that un unregistered hybrid came into my house while I was sleeping.” You talked back at him smirking slightly. 

“We can play this type of game in two, you know kitty.” You said feeling sure of yourself.

He lowered his ears, taken aback.

“Just take this and go wherever you want, I really don’t give a shit.” You said, tired from the long night that you were living. 

The only thing that you wanted to do was go to sleep and wake up rested and ready for another day of school and work.

He stayed silent but he decided to just gave in and pick the piece of paper from your hands.

You went to the door, unlocking it and you turned around to face him one last time. 

“My name’s Y/n by the way.”

He just looked back at you, without saying a word, and he hurried to get out of the house without looking back at you.

You wondered what was his story and why he was so hostile, but you didn’t care much about the fact that he got out without saying a single thing to you. In the end he was just an hybrid that you probably weren’t going to see again.

After he left you tried to go back to bed but the tiredness disappears as soon as your head touched the cold and soft pillow.

Your windows was open and the light of the sunrise was lighting up your dark room were you stayed for at least an hour, lying in bed and busy looking up at the white ceiling.

You managed to fall asleep for half an hour, but when you woke up, your watch was ticking and you noticed that it was already 7 a.m.

Letting out a small groan, you got up, leaving your bed undone, and you got ready for your class.

You yawned, still tired by the lack of sleep and you concealed your dark circles, hoping to look at least not dead.

The phone that was resting on your desk buzzed and you looked at it, reading the messages that your friend had sent you. 

UNREAD NEW MESSAGES - 4                                                                       From: Lisaa:

- HEYY Y/N I FINALLY CAME BACK TO YOU!!!! Would you like to meet up before class?? - sent 7:04

-I’ll get some coffee for the two of us!!- sent 7:13

-Black coffee for you? I’ll wait in front of your workplace xx- Sent 7:26

-At 7:30! Don’t be late or I’ll tell Hoseok that you went out without him last week ;)- Sent 7:27 

You laughed at her, responding quickly that you were heading out now.

Lisa was one of your closest friends and she worked in the same cafe as you and Hoseok.

You met them as soon as you moved in that new town. 

Lisa was in your same literature class and she was looking for people to hire in the diner where she worked.

Ironically, you were looking for a job that could give you enough Monet to pay your rent. 

After a couple of weeks, the choices were two: You could become a stripper, or you could continue your studies and work with Lisa after class. 

Of course you decided to accept the offer that your friend gave you, and there you met Hoseok. 

Hoseok was the most fun and bubbly person you had ever met,

He worked there as well and he was actually the son of the owner. 

Her mom had opened that diner when she was just twenty years old and had worked there ever since. 

After a while, she eventually got too tired to work and Hoseok decided to take her place as worker and almost-owner. 

Lisa always travelled a lot because her family lived abroad, so you spent a lot of time just texting or skyping her. 

She went back and forth from a country to another and that was something that you were jealous of. 

Her family was well off but she decided to get money on her own, living by herself and not with the allowance of her parents. It was a hard choice but she thought that it could help her and that she could become more mature and independent by doing that. 

When you finally reached the place where you and Lisa had to meet up, you couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of the blonde girl in front of you. 

She couldn’t stay still; she was just jumping up and down excitedly while talking to Hoseok, who was smiling at her wearing a grey apron.

“Y/N!!” She yelled as soon as she saw you, running towards you with open arms. 

You hugged her with a big smile stamped on your face.

“How did you trip go?” You asked her and she held your hands. 

“It was so much fun but I missed you guys a lot.”

You walked closer two Hoseok that greeted you with a warm smile, as always. 

“Did something interesting happen while I was gone?” She asked you, sitting in a table inside the cafeteria. 

You and Hoseok did the same. 

“Not much.” Hoseok responded, shrugging his shoulders. 

“What about you?” They looked at you and you sighed. 

“I just came from one hell of a night.” You said, meeting their confused looks full of curiosity.”

“What happened?”

“I rescued an hybrid from the street yesterday. He was injured and he stayed the night in my apartment but he ran away this morning as soon as I opened the door.” You explained, sipping your cold coffe.

“You could have brought him in here, You know that I love hybrids.” Hoseok said making you laugh. 

“I doubt that he would have listened to me. I probably doesn’t care about having an owner or shit like that. He was just a runaway.” You added and Hoseok sighed. 

“I would love to have an hybrid, you guys have no idea.” He said with a sad expression and you couldn’t help but trying to confort him. 

Hoseok wanted to help other people, especially hybrids. His childhood-best friend was actually a cat hybrid that his parents rescued when he was really young but he had to leave him behind once he became to old to stay in his parents house. 

“You can still try to adopt one.” Lisa said but Hoseok sighed deeply once again. 

“I couldn’t afford one even if I tried to earn more money.”

He responded getting up and cleaning after me and Lisa. The first clients of the day were arriving and he had to get back to work.

Hybrids were really expensive to adopt, but they could decide their own owner if they were rescued and if they were unregistered. 

“Was he hot?” Lisa whispered to your ear making you laugh.

“That’s what you care about right now?” You asked her but she looked at you with a small smirk on her face. 

“You can’t respond to a question with another question.”

She said and you rolled your eyes, getting up from the seat because your class was about to start. 

Lisa followed you, still waiting for an answer. 

“Yes, he was really hot.”

[jinwoostro-archive]

The Lost Prince - 3

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Aka the Binu Prince AU that no one asked for

The Prince awoke to darkness, to hands grabbing at him and clawing at him, he woke up feeling trapped.

Cool hands were placed on his forehead and something was taken off. And suddenly it was like darkness never existed. But Eunwoo wanted it back, he wanted the darkness back. The light was overpowering and burning his eyes. He tried to scream out, to order them to turn it off but no one heeded his words.

He fought against the hands holding him. One arm was free. Finally, Some darkness.

He pressed his arm against his screwed up eyes, refusing to take it off. Distantly, he could hear shouting around him and as quickly as it came the light disappeared.

Slowly taking the arm off his face his eyes swept across the room. The head physician was looking over at him concerned, his hands placed in front of him, as if preparing for an attack.

Several nurses surrounded him, most looking pitiful, but some scared.

Pity was one thing he abhorred, and seeing it in bountiful amounts unnerved him. He wanted to order them to stop looking at him, but the words wouldn’t come.

Instead, a sharp searing pain came. He clutched his throat, it felt like someone had thrown needles down his mouth, it was too much, he couldn’t bear this.

The physician placed a cool hand against his brow and spoke calmly at him

“Your highness, I need you to focus on me. That’s it, look at me.” While reassuring the Prince, the nurses gently pushed Eunwoo back onto the cot by his shoulders. “There’s no need to worry, you’re alive and that was our main concern.”

Eunwoo said nothing, he latched onto the physician’s eyes and refused to not look at him. Hand still placed around his neck his eyes flitted to his hand and back to the physician, hoping he’d understand.

“I’m sorry Your Highness. The damage was too great, had she continued even for a little while longer then you would have been lost to us. Thankfully, you’re still here with us. We tried our hardest Your Highness, but we believe the ligaments in the larynx have been torn. The likelihood that they’ll heal over time and be fixed is very low. While you may experience some pain for a few days when attempting to speak, this will all disappear in a while, fear not.” He paused and spoke more carefully. “It is entirely possible that you may never find the ability to speak again.”

The Prince blinked at him, not processing the words. The thought that he’d never be able to speak again, never sing again, was absurd. It couldn’t be true. Not wanting to linger on it he moved on.

He mouthed ‘Mama? Papa?’ and swallowed, a sharp pain radiating at the back of his throat. He felt his skin crawling, the chance that the physician could be right was steadily increasing.

The physician sighed “The Majesties had a distressing ordeal, and the injuries they sustained damaged their bodies. Whether they awake or not is unknown.” He lowered his voice and placed a soft hand on his shoulder. “This is beyond the help of a physician Your Highness. I’m sorry.”

Eunwoo nodded and finally looked away from the physician, he trained his eyes on a single spot on the ceiling and blinked away tears. Even though he was 21, he felt as helpless and insignificant as he did when he was 10. He sensed the nurses leaving the room to grant him privacy, before the physician could leave as well he gripped on tightly to his sleeve.

‘Maggiore.” He mouthed. At the confused look he lifted himself off the bed and held on tighter, mouthing the name more desperately.  The last he had heard of him was that he was in the infirmary, and the old man usually refused to be treated for illnesses.

The physician attempted at calming him down. The failed attempt just made the Prince more agitated and scared.

“Maggiore is alive and awake.” He raised his voice. “Now try and keep decorum.”

Eunwoo let out a shaky breath, he loosened his grip on the sleeves and leaned back from the physician.

‘Where?’ He tried to mouth with as much as authority as he could.

“I wouldn’t recommend visiting him” he said “You’ve only just waken up, you’re in no state to be visiting anyone, and we need to keep you in for observation.”

The Prince sent a glare at him. While mild-mannered there were times when his fury came out and in those times he didn’t hold back.

The physician rubbed a hand against his face, growing weary. “He’s in the next room. But Your Highness- “

Not bothering to listen to any more he leapt off the cot and stumbled against his feet towards the door, crashing into the door post before floundering out of the room and crashing through the door in the next room.

On the cot lay his tutor, looking feebler than he had ever seen him. Somehow the already tiny man looked even smaller.

Eunwoo froze, hand tightly gripping on the door frame, as if it was the only thing supporting him.

Maggiore did not seem surprised to see him there. He waved a hand, like he was summoning him.

The Prince couldn’t seem to breathe, instead only finding the energy to move towards him and sit down on the chair next to the cot.

Somehow, something had happened when the Prince had taken his fitting. Maybe if he stayed with him this would’ve never happened, maybe if he brought Maggiore along with him this would’ve never happened. Maybe, just maybe-

“They told me what happened to you.”  His voice had gotten more quiet and scratchy, but there was still some energy in his voice left.

“Oh my poor boy.” He placed a hand on Eunwoo’s cheek. The Prince leaned into the touch and held it with his hands. He screwed his eyes shut as every emotion he had been suppressing bubbled up. Everything had changed, everything he had loved and enjoyed was now slipping out of his fingers.

The hand against his cheek shook fiercely.

“Do not lose hope. You will find a way to come out victorious. If you are the Prince I know then you will be triumphant.”

Seeing the lack of hope in the Prince’s eyes and the utter defeat that he carried on his shoulders the tutor reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a small brooch. A familiar misshapen brooch with a tree of some sort on it. The Prince took the brooch from him and turned it around. He brought it close to his face and tilted it up towards the light, twisting and turning the small brooch.

“It’s a yew tree.”

Eunwoo closed his hand over the brooch, fists tightening so hard his knuckles turned white. He knew that tree. He knew this brooch. It was the origin of all their problems.

“The yew tree only grows in the northern region of our kingdom. A small village called Avallian. Presumably where the witch lives.”

The Prince looked down at the brooch glowering at it, unblinking. He could see himself, striding up to the witch’s lair. Soldiers behind him. Sword in his hand. Raising the sword. Seeing-

“Eunwoo.”

A hand under his chin was directing his glare upwards until it met the sympathetic eyes of his tutor.

“I know you’re angry. I know you’re upset. But do not condemn the whole of witches for the actions of one. There is no such thing as an evil race. Only evil circumstances that make people do evil things.”

The Prince looked away, not being able to bear looking at away. His own thoughts scaring him.

“I do not have long left.” He waved a hand dismissively as Eunwoo looked back at him. “I am old; it is to be expected of.” He either didn’t notice the Prince’s increasingly erratic breathing and shaking head or he chose to ignore it.

Speaking with more energy and conviction than he had had in the past few weeks he continued “I want you to find this witch. Take someone with you, and do something. Bring back your voice. Bring back your happiness, your parents.”

Eunwoo was shaking his head, he refused to do this alone, he refused to do this without Maggiore.

The old man leant forward and held his face with his hands, stopping the Prince from shaking his head ‘no’.

“I couldn’t have chosen anyone better to spend my final years with,” he whispered “I’ll look after the kingdom in your stead, now go.”

He wished he could say something back, anything. All he could do was nod and pull him close and pretend he never had to let go.

It was nearing sunrise when the Prince had packed his essentials into a small bag and attached it to his saddle.

He no longer felt the biting March winds that usually came. He tied his cloak tighter and mounted his horse, patting it on the neck several times.

The Prince took one last look at the palace behind him. He should’ve felt something. Sadness, excitement, a rush of adrenaline. All he felt was numb.

He squeezed his legs into the horse and pushed forward, making it start moving so that the sound of echoing trotting was the only thing heard in the courtyard.

[bumblebee-broadcast-blog]

Waking up before sunrise has never been something I’ve strived for. Even this morning that wasn’t my plan. Yet when I woke up around 4 am and didn’t feel like I could fall back asleep, I decided to start my day. Currently it’s a little before 6 am and I just got back from a mile walk with Boone. As the days are getting warmer it’s refreshing to take a walk when the sun is still rising. Not only did I get to see the sunrise from our porch but I was also surrounded by nature on my walk. The lack of people and cars brought the surrounding nature to life. I was greeted by countless snail friends (that I intently watched and made sure to avoid stepping on), one hopping frog, one racing rabbit, and a V-shaped flock of geese that flew right over head (I swear I could hear their wings flap). Overall it’s been a lovely, peaceful and rejuvenating morning. Although I may have to take a small nap today.

[rchime]

October 14th - 15th 2017

Warning: This posts will have tons of typos, bad grammar and bad English in general. If you don’t mind you can (politely) correct me, cause y’know English isn’t my native language and I’m still trying to improve my English

I went camping. Not alone definitely, but with my friends. I didn’t want to go, at first, but I feel it’s like duty, I confess. So, I went regardless. Thankfully, it didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would be.

We went around 4 or 5 pm (sorry, my memory and concept of time are pretty bad), with motorcycle. There was like 12 motorcycles. It was pretty tiring, my back hurts so much. Not to mention, it was my first day of period, so imagine that: period cramps + sitting on motorcycle for approximately 5 hours, yep that was a fucking hell. There was a moment when we got separated and half of us ‘lost’, so we need to wait for them (there’s one motorcycle went back to looking for them, and guide them to our place. I was in the “waiting” group, so I have to waited for around an hour, before the “separated” group arrived. After that we were continuing our journeys and the road to that place was winding and kinda steep (well what do I expect it’s on a fucking mountain lmao). Not to mention the s" road was dark as hell and scary, cause there’s barely any houses and lots of trees and bushes (again it’s a mountain what do I expect, right?). Half of our team (motorcycles) weren’t powerful enough to ‘climb’ the road, so we helped each other with ‘pushing’ the motorcycles and move the 'passanger’ (idk what is called in motorcycle lmao). My motorcycle was heated up and there was smoke coming from the engine, thankfully my motorcycle made it (and still kicking ass until now).

Finally we arrived at the site, it’s called Pabangbon Camp Ground. When we were afraid we didn’t go to the locket -to buy ticket- staight away, we went to the toilet first (something that I had been waiting for lmao). After that we went up to the camping ground’s locket to bought tickets. Then, they opened the portal for us so we could pass and went up to the camping ground (and the road was rocky and steep as hell, that was fucking scary man). The camp ground was dark as hell, I couldn’t see anything (except the pine trees and grounds), we even couldn’t recognize each other without flashlight. There, we chose the place to 'built’ our tents with the help of the guides ofc. Even though the camp ground isn’t that big, but it seems like it was so big, perhaps because cold weather, darkness and tiredness. Surprisingly I was 'doing well’ with the coldness (I thought I would started sneezing uncontrollably or started wheezing, thankfully it didn’t happen at all), but one of our friend didn’t 'do well’ with the coldness and started trembling so we tried to keep her warm. She wore like 3 layers of sweater and jackets, I don’t remember that precisely but she was covered in tons of clothes (including scarves and gloves). We waited for few minutes until we found the place.

*I took that picture when I was waiting for the place to set up out tents

After we found the 'perfect place’ we set up our tent and preparing the campfire. I didn’t do anything that time but kept myself warm and talked with my friends. When everything’s done we took a rest and I entered the girls tent. That’s… I don’t remember that much honestly, but I remember we 'sneaking’ foods. We were chatting and ate few packs of pocky before we went down to changes our clothes.

*Here's the picture of pocky + myfeet + my friends hands, enjoy...(?)

The toilets weren’t comfortable (but hey it was better than nothing). When we were going back to our tents, I was looking up to the sky and realizing that the sky was so clear. Well, considering I live in the city, there’s lot of pollution and stuff so I almot never see the clear night sky. For a moment I enjoyed the clear night sky, where I can actually see the stars, a lot of stars. It was so beautiful and magical (can’t imagine if I actually can see northern light, I will passed out perhaps). When we got back to our tents, we had dinner. It wasn’t that fancy, just rice, roasted chickens, roasted sausages and… That’s it. We used brown paper (idk we called that “kertas bungkus nasi”) as the plates. We ate together, in line , idk what’s the English term for that, and I hope I have a picture of that (sorry I was too hungry and too tired to took a picture, it wasn’t my priority).

After dinner I entered the tent and tried to take a little bit rest a.k.a sleeping. (Yup, I wasn’t helping cleaning up the mess after dinner, I am a horrible 'friend’ what do you expect lmao). I was fell asleep for one two minutes, we (everyone inside the girls tent) called to get out, to have a discussion, which is one of our reason why we went there. (There’s a reason why we chose to have discussion in the middle of nowhere, but I can’t tell you, y'know organizational stuff). Then we gather around the campfire and started the discussion which is the goals to solve our problems and introspection for us to be better (and certain, specific person). I can’t give you any overviews (considering I didn’t give any input at that discussion cause I was so tired and sleepy af, so my brain didn’t work as good as usual, not to mention I was fall asleep in the (not so) middle discussion -yep, I am horrible 'friend’ I told ya-, and when I woke up the discussion was done lmao). Right after that we definitely not go to sleep (what do you expect bro), instead we were doing a simulation. What kind of simulation? Again I’ll say this is organizational stuff, can’t tell ya. But, the simulation didn’t go well one of our friends was passed out, so we were panicking and stop the simulation and most of us get into the tent. It was kinda scary cause we thought it had to do with supranatural stuff (perhaps it was, but pretty sure tiredness play pary in that too). I other girls weren’t sleeping (except two persons), and we went down again to pray (shalat subuh), cause surprise surprise we found out it was almost dawn.

My friends planned to take a picture of sunrise, but they decided to take that after praying, but sadly we were too late. -Just a note, the mushola (place where we were pray) wasn’t in ‘perfect’ place to take any sunrise picture, that’s why even tho I wasnt praying (cause I was in my period), I didn’t take any picture either-. But still even though we didn’t get the sunrise pic, we take pictures still. I’m actually don’t really like taking picture (especially of myself cause I look like potato lmao), so I just enjoying the scenery. Seriously tho that was one of the best scenery i’ve ever seen, well keep in mind I rarely go to places cause a) I’m indoor person b) I’m broke lmao. I took few pictures of the scenery… and myself surprisingly, cause my friends suggest me to and I’m not really against it, deep down I always want to take pictures wherever I go, but I don’t have any confidence for that (please, don’t be like me, ok?), but asI expected I look really awkward in literally all pictures, even the ones where I don’t show my face, cause it seems like my gesture and posture already awkward by default. Here’s I’ll share few pictures that I and my friends took (they took all the pictures where I’m in frame, so all the scenery pics are mine).

*Just so you know I edited the pictures so it seems more ‘alive’ cause I just took it with my (and my friends) phone camera and it didn’t look that ‘pleasant’ (imo), and I’m so sorry that i ‘censored’ my friend and my own faces cause as I mentioned before I’m not confident and for my friend, just in case she don’t want her face to be shown everywhere without her consent. -I haven’t told my friends about the existence of this blog, perhaps sometimes in the future(?)

After we were taking pictures, we went to our tent again to change our clothes (again), and then few of us went down to have breakfast, and few others were sleeping. There’s few who were taking pictures too, and I was just sitting down with enjoying the moment (I guess… can’t remember precisely sorry). When the ‘breakfast’ group got backwe were sitting nearby the valley (where I and my friend was taking pictures). We were chatting and eating pop mie and drinking black tea. Because of the cold wind and lack of sleep (ofc) I fell asleep (again). After that, we went to our tent again to prepare to go home. We ‘break’ the tent and cleaning up the mess. Then, we went down, and the adventure to go home just started.

The way down the mountain actually isn’t that bad, except that rocky stree, that was hell. The place was crowded when we left, cause aside from the camping ground, Pabangbon have other attarction called Pabangbon Panorama (you can google that, it’s so beautiful). Unlike when we went (at night) the view when we go home was so beautiful, sadly I’m not expert in recording or taking picture while in motorcycle (even tho I’m just a passanger). But almost all of my friends documented that and even upload it on Youtube (I’ll show you the video at the end of post). I can’t tell you much what’s happening on the streets, cause I was sleepy af and not anly me but all of us were sleepy af. Even the ones that ride the motorcycle (the driver) drinks Kratingdaeng (similar to Red Bull) so they can stay awake. Fast forward we arrived at our basecamp. few go home straight away when they arrived, but I wasn’t go home straight away, cause I was sleepy and I learned my lesson about riding-motorcycle-while-you-are-sleepy (thank god, it wasn’t involving accident), so I took a nap for few minutes, then go back hom.

When I arrived home, the first thing that I did was taking shower (so unusual for me lmao), cause I feel so dirty. After that I feel so fresh and clean (no shit sherlock). Actually I planned to wash my clothes before sleep, but sadly my body was too tired for that, so yeah as you can guess, I feel asleep again.

Aaannd that’s it, the story stops there. I’m not a writer (but I’d like to try to write), so i don’t know how to close the story. Sorry if that sounds boring and confusing (perhaps because of my semi-broken English, sorry), but trust me it was one of the best experience I’ve ever have, sounds cheesy, I know, but that’s true. So, to close this post I give you the video about our journey as I promised.

Here’s the video.

*In case you don’y know Pabangbon located at Leuwiliang, Bogor. That’s why it’s written on the title. In case you want to know I am that awkward girl with bad haircut, blue backpack and wear mask most of time.

[heymstia-blog]

Grandmother, Grandfather Dearest

I brought my tired son into my parent’s home and they were so excited to see him. It had been 4 weeks since they’d seen him. The first thing my mom said when she saw him was, “Why don’t he have on a coat?? Its cold outside! He need on a one piece!”. Abolarinde is my mom’s first grandchild. Initially she was in utter shock and disappointment with my pregnancy. “This was not the plan”. The “plan” was to continue my education, secure employment, meet the man, date him for years, let my parent’s get to know him, get engaged, get married and years after that have a child. I did thee complete opposite and it truly disappointed my parents. After telling them about my pregnancy they continued to reiterate how hard it was going to be, they were unsure how I was going to cope and they were not sure of how the process of immigration went, they couldn’t understand why I all of the sudden showed interest in my husband, who is a Nigerian man and it was overall a lot to process for them. I cried a lot throughout my pregnancy because I wanted the acceptance and approval of my parents. Even at almost 25 years old, what they think is important to me. I truly want to make them proud. Eventually things got better. It took a while but today they love my husband and they give us continuous support. However, for a lack of better word, she is highly protective over her grandson. Me and my mom have gotten into heated disagreements, discussions about the choices I decided to make regarding Abolarinde but what I appreciate the most is my mom has started to let up (slightly) and let me do my mommy thing. 

I went into the bedroom to get Abolarinde comfortable and nurse him. My brother, his wife and step daughter visited. It was the first time my brother had met my son and we were both exhausted but I put on a good face. They stayed for while and left. It was getting late so I got comfortable and started nightly routine with Abolarinde expecting that it would go as planned as it usually does at home. It didn’t. We drifted off to sleep and it seemed that every other hour he woke up to eat. My dad decided to take him to the living room so I could get some rest and my mom tried to give him a bottle of my breast milk but it wasn’t the same as being able to nurse from me. I listened to him cry in the living room and heard my parent’s shuffling around to keep him quiet but I couldn’t take it anymore. I got out of bed and brought him back with me to nurse him. 7 AM came, the sun peaked through the window and Abolarinde was up again but I knew that he would be awake for 2 hours instead of eating and going back to sleep. My mom woke up and asked me how I felt and I broke into tears saying I am tired. I tried not to be tool vulnerable around my parents. I was embarrassed to be tired but I also wanted to keep up my facade of having it all together. I didn’t want to prove them right. Yes being a mother to a newborn was hard but I didn’t want to be tired to tears in front of them how LAME! My mom consoled me and went to cook breakfast. She even called off from work to stay home and relax with the baby and I. I felt so glad to be home and I even wondered why I didn’t come home sooner. Little did I know that in the next two weeks of my stay I was going to find out why I didn’t :) 

For the next few days I tried to maintain my daily routine and stay out of my parent’s way. I tried not to ask my parent’s for much help so I would take Abolarinde in the bathroom with me while I showered and try to hold him and do other things with one hand but my parents graciously helped out when they could. I tried to bathe Abolarinde every evening as I would if we were home and my mom would say, “Why do you bathe him everyday he’s not dirty, he doesn’t need a bath everyday” and I would refute, “It’s our nightly routine it may help him sleep better”. “He won’t know the difference in the routine he’s still young, yet”. Abolarinde ate every hour and a half, two hours but I would nurse on demand, if he needed comfort. “You feeding him again?? Is he getting enough to eat?? Have you considered starting him on some formula? You may want to consider that so you can make sure he’s getting enough to eat. What if you get sick? Since you not pumping someone else could watch him. If I was breastfeeding I would be pumping around the clock, you playing”. If I pumped I would show my mom how much and she would respond, “Is that all you pumped?? That’s why he eat every other hour”. Breastfeeding was hard enough for me. I was always self-conscious about if Abolarinde was getting enough to eat, if I was making enough milk, if I needed to take a supplement to increase my flow and now that I think about it I was probably stressing myself out. I continued to stay at my parent’s house because ANYTHING was better than staying back at my house , alone with Abolarinde. I intended to leave on a Saturday afternoon but Friday I woke up and had excruciating pain in my stomach. I couldn’t move, I was vomiting and sweating. I was almost certain that I had food poisoning. A friend of mine visited and brought me steak tacos from my favorite Mexican restaurant and they were so good the night before but they were SO bad the day after. I needed to go to the hospital, I hadn’t pumped any milk, my mom had to be at work at 12 pm, my dad had somewhere to be at 1 pm and my husband was at work all the way in Chicago. I bundled Abolarinde up in the clothes I had left for him since we stayed WAY longer than I expected and my dad took me to the emergency room of the same hospital my mom worked. I sat in that emergency room for 2 hours. My dad sat with me for as long as he could. He held Abolarinde, walked him around, comforted him when he was crying and rocked him to sleep.I had to ask the front desk receptionist for a pan so I could vomit while I waited, I had my now 5 week old son with me in this dirty hospital and I had to continue to nurse him. While I got my vitals checked one of the nurses volunteered to hold him which I was TOTALLY against since we were in this dirty, germ infested hospital. I was instructed to return to my seat and wait my turn to go to the back and be seen by a doctor. While I sat down I vomited again. An older couple saw me trying to hold the baby and comfort him as he whined and cried. They took him and held him while I tried to get myself together. We talked, exchanged some laughs and FINALLY  I was called to go to the back to get checked out. In Lafayette, I’ve been spoiled with the hospitals. They’re clean, the rooms are bigger and for the most part the care of the nurses and doctors are A1. This was not the case where I was. The nurse came in, pressed on my stomach and said I had gas. Another nurse came in and asked the most random questions. Finally the doctor came in and told me they couldn’t figure out what was wrong and, “I could stay overnight if I wanted to”. All the while, I was in the hospital room by myself with my sleeping baby that I held on my chest. I felt completely helpless and I was wondering was this going to be the running theme of my motherhood journey (struggle) because I wasn’t built for it anymore. As soon as my mom’s shift was over she came and relieved me from my baby. I told her what the doctor said and she recommended that I didn’t stay in the hospital and I agreed. The doctor prescribed me medication and she couldn’t even tell me if I was able to take the medication and breast feed at the same time. I WILL TAKE CARE OF MYSELF GET ME OUT OF HERE. I was so glad to be out of that hospital. It was evening by the time we left and better or not I was getting out of there with my child. My mom took me home and I laid back in bed with Abolarinde. He could tell that I was not feeling my best so he didn’t give me much trouble. He rested right beside me and listened to the faint sound of the television. My dad volunteered to take him into the living room and I accepted. Abolarinde was doing well and then my dad decided to sit him down and he cried, he cried loud and hard and my dad let him. He’s a believer in letting babies cry it out claiming that it helps them not be spoiled but I was not there yet in my motherhood journey to allow my child to cry like that and neither was my mom. She came back in the house and asked my dad, “Why are you letting him cry like that??” My dad insists it’s because he was spoiled but my mom brought my whimpering baby back to me to comfort. We had a LONG day but I was super appreciative of my parent’s for nursing me back to health. I figured to myself that I could stand to stay another day, or two, or three or five. 

The next 5 days staying at my parent’s house were really because I was being a big baby. I was afraid to go back to my house and even if my parent’s weren’t talking to me every hour of the day I just enjoyed knowing that someone was home. During the day they went to work and I stayed home with Abolarinde. I tried to straighten up their house as much as I could with him. I wanted to try to keep myself busy. I wasn’t completely comfortable with taking him out so visiting friends and family in the area wasn’t an option.This particular week my son was going through a growth spurt (a time in a child’s life when they are constantly nursing and clingy). It seemed like every 30 minutes to an hour I would lift my shirt to feed him. One night I prepared to lay down with Abolarinde and he didn’t want to lay down, go to sleep, nurse or be bothered with anyone. When Abolarinde finally did lay down to sleep he woke up every other the 30 minutes to an hour nursing. Some of these nursing sessions he would go back to sleep and other ones he would stay up. Normally, I would be able to lay him down beside me after he drifted to sleep but I had to lay him on my chest and sit up straight for him to be comfortable which was beyond frustrating and uncomfortable to me. Sunrise came and I was functioning from 1 hour of sleep. I tried to gather myself before anyone saw me. My mom woke up and asked me how I felt and I told her tired but she refused to show me much sympathy this time. She went into the living room to talk to my dad and as I laid in the bed I overheard her saying she bet I would have chose a different route if I knew what I knew now about taking care of  a newborn (and as different route I mean keeping my cookies to myself). I was upset and annoyed by the comment but more so upset with myself. I thought that if I knew now I probably would have made different decisions. This was not the plan that I had for myself but the truth of the matter was Abolarinde was here and I was responsible for him. The next few days Abolarinde continued to have scattered sleep and it became normal to me. On Thursday evening I made the executive decision that Friday it was time for me to go home. I had not scene my husband in what felt like FOREVER and I was ready to be in my own space as I knew my parent’s wanted their space back. I gathered Abolarinde’s things the night before and Friday afternoon. I packed him in the car and was on my way. I yet held my breath while driving with him but he slept the entire way back. We got back to Lafayette and my God it felt good to be home. Being away that long at my parent’s house made me appreciate my own space more. 

[heidijeann]

Koh Samui

Photos here :) 

The flight was short - only an hour and 20 minutes maybe, but it still included an in-flight meal of sweet and sour chicken (or a fish dish which neither of us got, but I LOLed at the lack of a vegetarian option). Everything was smooth sailing until we got off the plane and had to wait in a long line outside in the heat to get through customs. There was a couple behind us invading Brett’s personal space, running into him and stepping on his foot, which made the line tense and feel even longer. Reflecting on it, we agreed that Brett needs to figure a way to make a game out of this kind of situation, because getting so stressed out over something so small is unhealthy. (I need to take a page out of his book - such a great realization!)

Once we finally made it through customs, we took a 460 baht shared taxi van to our hotel. Luck was on our side, as our hotel was the first stop in our 12 person shared taxi van. We got out, and stepped into true luxury - the hotel staff were expecting us and greeted us with freezing cold towels and water while they started to check us in. Then they came back with ice cream and explained hotel activities etc. before taking us to our room. It was a deluxe villa with a huge bed and beautiful walk in shower that had doors opening from both the bed and shower to a beautiful balcony with a tub and lounge chairs overlooking an jungle-esque lap pool.

While the room was beautiful, we didn’t stay long. We dropped off our bags, got into our bathing suits, and immediately hit the beach/pool. We were excited to see there were free kayaks, paddle boards, and water shoes for our use, and immediately took the kayak out for a swim. We got in and started paddling, all going well, until Brett called us professionals and about two seconds later we totally flipped the boat into the water. We came up shrieking with laughter, and were happy to see a couple close by caught the entire thing and were laughing with us. We spent maybe 30 minutes perfecting our strides and checking out the surrounding rocks and area, and then decided to return the kayak and find something to eat.

There were many places on the beach to grab a bite or a massage, so we walked and surveyed the menu and price selections. At the far end of the beach, right where the sea met some rocks making it difficult to go further, we saw a cute little oasis with hammocks and chairs and swings that drew our attention. To be totally honest, I don’t really know if at this point we noticed any of that - there was some kind of pretty flower stand thing (it reminded me of a plumeria chuppah)  that I wanted to check out, so we walked to it. That’s where we could really start to see the magic oasis, with tropical/reggae music setting a super chill vibe and the waves lightly crashing onto the shore next to us. We fell in love and ordered a pad thai at a super reasonable 100 baht price, and enjoyed the view. Turns out this little spot would be our go-to getaway from the hotel, with extremely reasonable prices and the best music and vibes a girl could ask for. We made two friends: George, a yoga instructor who offered us a free class, and Tom, a tour guide who told us all about different excursions and cool things to do on the island. After an hour or so we headed back to the resort and spent the rest of the afternoon lounging and swimming between the beach and the pool, sipping on cocktails and soaking in the sun and the view.

When the sun started to set,  headed back to our room to change and venture off to get our first massage in Thailand. The spot we found was a 12 minute walk from our hotel, and we were in for a treat: we would be getting our first Four Hands massage. Oh my god, life changing. The women were warm and effective, with strong hands and big smiles. For an hour of absolute bliss, it only cost us a total of $1200 baht or 38.30 United States Dollars. Like come on. I wonder if after our travels if we will look at the price and think it was expensive for Thailand? Only time will tell… my goal is to get 30 hours of massage before we stop celebrating my birthday, but I will count the four hand massage as 2 hours since there were two people rubbing us. The massage also converted B - on our walk home he raved “I can never go back to a 2 hand massage, it is 4 hands or bust for me. What was a massage prior to the 4 hands? I don’t remember. THIS IS HOW MASSAGING NEEDS TO BE. You get a symmetrical experience as they rub the neck/shoulder and lower back at the same time.” This is seriously not an experience to miss. On our walk home we found a Mexican/Thai spot and popped in. The price was right - B enjoyed a burrito and I larb with rice. Then, we walked back to the hotel and tried the outdoor tub out. Overall, I would have to admit my last day as a 29 year old was pretty incredible!!!

We woke up early on my birthday - around 6 am after a very comfortable sleep in a huge king bed that reminded us of home (s/o to Jackie and Roger who are keeping our bed safe and loved while we travel!). We decided to head down to the beach and finish watching the sunrise. It was beautiful. We climbed some rocks and enjoyed the view, and then did some yoga on a shaded deck just off the sand overlooking the water. It was a wonderful start to 30. By now some of the hotel staff was out setting up the pool area, and we started walking along the beach only to notice a bunch of plastic and trash washing up in the current. We decided to pick it up, and the hotel staff were very pleased to see us helping. They showed us where we could throw it away (there were literally no trash cans anywhere on the property outside of the room!) and we made a pile of stuff. We’ve heard about the trash in SEA, and want to make sure we do our part to clean it up as much as possible. It’s really so beautiful here - we feel responsible as tourists to not be a stereotype and help keep our earth as healthy as possible. The lack of trash cans is concerning, and we found out later that the rumors about people burning trash here are 100% true.

Anyway, we worked up a bit of a sweat so decided to cool off in the water - the tide was low making it an easy walk to a rock formation in the ocean. We tried to climb the rocks, but one of them bit me and so I decided we weren’t friends, and we left the rocks to go take out the splintery black crap from my calf. I cried like a baby when Brett pulled out a little razor looking device called “splinter out” and had to bravely bite a towel between my teeth as he dug and pressed out whatever was caught in there. After about 10 minutes and a shower, I was all better - sterilized and clean with a bandaid covering my boo-boo. #thisisthirty.

By now it was about 11 am, so we headed back to our rock bar and got a coconut and chilled out in the hammocks. We decided we would go into town and check out Chaweng Beach, and reserved seats on the shuttle leaving at 1. The ride was about 20 minutes, and we were both excited to see the food court when we got there. We got some chicken and beef on sticks and some chicken teriyaki with rice and miso, and a fruit shake that was delicious. We were on a mission to find me sunglasses and Brett sandals - and only had two hours. We did it all and headed back to the hotel in time for happy hour. We got some drinks at the pool and swam around, then headed back to the rock bar for dinner and drinks. We ended up meeting an interesting couple - a man from Utah and a woman from the Philippines - and spent the night swapping stories and drinking beer. (I know, who am I? Drinking beer! LOL.) Unfortunately, we forgot to finish ordering the dinner part, so when we left around 10, we were hungry and tired.

We got back to the room to see a very exciting note telling us to pack our bags as we were being upgraded and relocated to a private villa the following day.  We celebrated by ordering room service, and went to bed tired, excited, and full. We woke up early again on the 23rd, or, my birthday part two (since it was technically my birthday at home still). Brett showed me a video he put together of all my friends and family sending me sweet thoughts and birthday wishes, and we then headed to the beach to catch it empty and serene. We did another little meditation, this one shorter, and then headed off property to grab breakfast near the main road. It was about an 8 minute walk to an authentic thai restaurant where we got breakfast, then headed to hour 3 of 30 hours of massage - where we got an authentic thai massage. By the time we got back to the hotel, our bags had been relocated and the staff were showing us to our private villa.

If you have never had a private pool villa before, it is absolutely the way to travel. We stripped off our clothes and jumped in the pool. Frolicking and dancing around the entire indoor and outdoor area in our birthday suits (fitting huh? Pun intended - birthday suit for the birthday girl!). After an hour or two we decided to head down to the beach and were stopped by the hotel staff who had complimentary drinks for us. So, we started to drink. We ordered some food pool side and made ourselves cozy with our food and our drinks in a cabana. We had the bottle of Veuve over ice in the villa, and planned on popping that before dinner. After our drinks and bite, we went back to our villa and popped the Veuve. If I am being totally honest, my absolute favorite part of the whole day (both birthdays) was dancing around naked while sipping rosè champagne and singing along to the lyrics. About half way through this experience, Brett realized that people could probably see in to part of our villa, so we pulled the robes out of the closet, put them on, and continued dancing.

For dinner we checked out the hotel’s seafood restaurant TawaNN, and decided on the tapas bar instead after reviewing the menu. We got gambas and a pizza, both were delicious, and then took our headlamps down to the ocean to explore the rocks during the super low tide. The rocks that were eaten by the sea earlier in the day were now totally accessible by foot, and it was so neat to explore the beach in this new fashion. A bit tipsy and quite tired, we (read: I) didn’t last too long and soon after headed back to our villa for a much needed sleep.

Our last day in the Renaissance we woke up at 7:45 am - admittedly earlier than we wanted to after a night of drinking (miraculously I felt amazing, although Brett somehow was a bit hungover) but determined to make it to sunrise yoga on the beach. We took a class from 8-9 am, and while it was “Yoga for All” it felt pretty advanced to us. The instructor wasn’t the most patient man in the world, and even laughed at Brett at one point which I thought was quite rude. Overall though, it was a good workout and we left feeling energized. We headed back to our villa and decided to make the most of it until check out. Brett pretended to be a pool boy and fish all the flowers and fallen leaves out of the pool while I sat on the lounger looking for a hotel for that night. We swam and dried off and swam some more. Once 1 pm rolled around, we checked out, leaving our bags with the front desk and our suits on our bodies, and headed down the beach for a bite to eat.

For our last meal we decided to try Uncle Rang’s Restaurant, and were seated immediately. Once we placed our orders, they told us it would take about 30 minutes, so we walked to our Rock Bar for a final coconut and to bid adieu to the family who ran it (all super sweet and welcoming people). Then, we returned to the restaurant and ate slowly, enjoying the view. On our walk back to the hotel, we passed the massage studio on the beach that we had walked past many times every day, and decided to add another hour to the ticker. The ladies asked us to come back in 30 minutes, so we decided to take a dip in the hotel pool. We met a new friend there - a man from Michigan who didn’t like Trump but voted for him! - and got lost in conversation. By the time we made it back to the massage hut, they had two free beds but needed to call two masseuses over from a nearby parlor. (For the record, while peaceful, beach massages are sandy and get interrupted by coconuts falling on the roof, which sure scared the crap out of me!)

By the time we were ready to leave the hotel (and Lamai beach) it was almost 5 pm. We were now heading to the north most tip of the island - Mae Nam - to be closer to the pier. Brett found a deal for a hotel named Amarin Victoria that was a short walk to the beach. By the time we actually got there though, the sun was already setting and we didn’t make it in past our knees. Instead, we found a decent looking place to eat, shared a satay and pizza, and then headed back to the hotel. We took a quick dip in the rooftop pool and then retired to our rooms where we put on Kate and Leopold and looked for a place to stay in Koh Tao.

Before we knew it we were waking up, heading down to breakfast, then back up to pack. We had about two hours left until we had to start heading to the pier, a 26 minute walk in the heat - so I spent the morning preparing by singing along to Mulan and blogging, among other various things. Any excuse to stay in the air-conditioned bed was one I was willing to take. Honestly, my least favorite part of traveling is anything that has to do with touching the luggage. I don’t like it. It’s dirty, heavy, annoying...anyway, at the end of the day it is worth it, and I love my stuff, so I have to suck it up. I pump myself up with the following mantras: A 26 minute walk is a good exercise, and saves us 400 baht. That’s almost two massages! There is no chance we are going to do the 28 minute walk to our next hotel when we get to Koh Tao. Almost done… get it girl! Anyway, the time passes and with every step we are one step closer, so we got there pretty painlessly. And we felt very accomplished when we did. Brett cracked open a celebratory beer and we both enjoyed it, and then a couple more. (Well, enjoy is a strong word. I am still not a huge fan, but they are cheap and cold, so I am trying to convert myself…)

We waited about 40 minutes until we started to board, and found semi-shaded seats with a great sea view. The ferry would make two stops: Koh Pha-ngan (AKA the full moon party island) and Koh Tao. On our way to Koh Pha-ngan we met two friendly Germans who spent a lot of time in Thailand. The rest of the ferry ride we were by ourselves, but Brett met a famous Thai singer named Job2Do while going to the bathroom - he and his band are playing a concert on Koh Tao. Even the captain of the ship came out to take a pic with him! About two hours after we set off, we were docking on Koh Tao, getting our bags, and getting off the ship.

Total spend USD for these 5 days in Koh Samui and Mae Nam, including the ferry to Koh Tao (our accommodations at the Renaissance I booked using points, which saved us a ton of money!): $354.27

[phantaire]

This time two days ago I’d just got out of the Eugene O'Neill Theatre having seen The Book of Mormon on Broadway (with @slightlytookish!) I am now back in the UK, and timezones are mysterious and cruel things and so I have inflicted my jetlag on everyone’s favourite Elder Price. Wikipedia states that jetlag can have “cognitive effects include poorer performance on mental tasks and concentration, increased fatigue, headaches, and irritability” so I thought I’d be mean. (Once I’ve got over my jetlag and had this beta’d I’ll AO3 it.)

Plus Nine Kevin Price centric. (McKinley/Price pre-relationship if you squint/want)  Canon compliant.

Sleep came easily to Kevin Price, it always had. His bedtime routine had been set in stone since he’d been a young boy; he would say goodnight to his mom and dad, he and his brothers would brush their teeth huddled around the bathroom sink – Lucas helping Ethan, Jack elbowing Michael, and Sarah using their parents en-suite rather than sharing with the boys -  and then Kevin would say his prayers, lay down in bed and think of Planet Orlando until those thoughts turned into dreams. Almost always of Planet Orlando.

And, apart from the one time that he snuck out of bed, and the consequences and dreams which followed, that had been Kevin’s night-time routine for nineteen years. He got into bed, he slept, he dreamt and then he woke up. He didn’t oversleep or complain about having to get up in the mornings, always getting at least eight hours, if not nine. He’d make his best crisply first thing in the morning after he work up, and plumped his cushions ready for the night ahead.

Sleep had come easily at the Missionary Training Center too. The days had been full of work, rewarding and sometimes repetitive, but not hard, and Kevin had always been ready to learn. He couldn’t be the best if he didn’t know more than everybody else, so he applied himself and at night dreamt of the Epcot Center and having his photograph taken with Mickey Mouse. The framed picture of Kevin, all teeth and sunburn with Mickey’s hand on his shoulder - taken when Kevin was nine and learning the wonders of Orlando for the first time – had the rest of his siblings in too, and Kevin didn’t think that it was too selfish to want a picture that was just for him.

He’d never flown internationally before. Kevin had slept all the way to Orlando, and it had appeared out the plane window like a dream in his childhood, and there was part of Kevin, that part that was still a child and not a man grown and about to go and spread the word. There was a part of Kevin that expected his mission to start in the same way, a fresh slate. Scene change and suddenly, Uganda.

That wasn’t, it turned out, how international travel worked. It had seemed very civilised for their flight time to be at 4:26, they could sleep on the plane and wake up fresh faced and ready to start the most important two years of their lives. It was Wednesday afternoon when they left Salt Lake City, and Friday evening when they arrived in Kitguli. Flight delays, nearly missed connections and two plane transfers not to mention the late bus meant that they had been travelling for nearly 42 hours, and his new companion had been talking almost non-stop. When Elder Cunningham hadn’t been talking, or filming – “Elder, what do you think about the fact that we might miss our next flight?” “Elder Price, look they’ve got Star Trek on the inflight entertainment system, we should totally watch it together!” “Best friend! Can I have your snacks?” – he had been snoring. Loudly. But Kevin couldn’t sleep, they had been forever chasing sunrises but he couldn’t afford not to be present, this was where Heavenly Father said that he should be, and Heavenly Father wasn’t wrong. There had to be a reason for this, and that reason would be found in Uganda.

Kevin is tired down to the very bones of himself, but, this – men with guns rifling through their cases and stealing their belongings, a blasphemous deprived people who have dismissed the presence of the Latter Day Saints in their village for months - somehow is what Heavenly Father wants of him so that he can get everything that he’s always wanted. And so he has to work for it – if it were easy then it wouldn’t be incredible? Right?

It’s overwhelming and loud, and the village is bustling and bright even at this hour, and for a moment Kevin imagines that the Mission Hut is going to be an oasis of calm, they are Mormons after all. The Elders should be settling down to get ready for sleep, the District Leader, McKinley, should meet them, shake their hands and give them a gentle introduction to progress in the village. And then Kevin can sleep. Once he’s slept, then he can start again. He doesn’t know what day it is.

He finds himself dancing. He wonders, briefly, whether this is twisted take on a Hell Dream. Could this be his punishment for contemplating the complimentary coffee on the plane? Or for judging his new companion? Elder Cunningham isn’t really that bad, and Kevin is tired, and confused. But no, he is unfortunately awake and the dancing is really happening. At least his District Leader appears to be pleased by it. It must be hard to be having gay thoughts, Kevin admires him. He also wishes that he would be quiet.

The bedroom issued to Elder Cunningham and himself is cramped, pokey and dark. It blessedly has two uncomfortable looking single beds, he imagines that Elder Cunningham will want the bed nearest the window – and at this moment Kevin could care less, as long as he can sleep. His prayers are silent, conducted as he undresses, surely Heavenly Father can’t begrudge him for that, and he’s almost settled into blissful silence, when Elder Cunningham starts talking. And Kevin is tired, and exhausted, and starting to run out of patience with his companion, but he can’t not acknowledge Elder Cunningham’s uncertainty. Elder Cunningham has tried to bolster his emotions, not that he needs it, but he’s reminded Kevin that he can do something incredible, and Elder Cunningham’s father should be proud of his son, Cunningham isn’t a bad person, just… intense. He hopes that Cunningham calms down in the morning, that a night’s sleep will be good for both of them and that the world will align itself properly tomorrow.

It doesn’t.

Kevin wakes up tired with a faint headache pounding at his temple, and the day doesn’t get better from there. He should be snappier with his answers, he’s practiced and learnt and he knows these stories and the best ways to introduce people into the Church. But he stumbles when Dr Gotswana starts talking about maggots in unsavoury places, taking longer than he should to pull his concentration back.

Cunningham isn’t helping, and that isn’t fair and he knows it because he can see how much Elder Cunningham is trying to help, but Kevin is light headed and tired. The noise of a gunshot is enough to startle him into semi-consciousness. The sensation of blood is a strange one, warm and tacky. When he yawns he gets blood on his palm. He was standing in front of Elder Cunningham when the General shot the village’s butcher in the face – Kevin can’t remember his name, and he wants to cry and he’s never been an expressively emotional person, at least, not for negative emotions, he should always wear a smile, but he just can’t at the moment, it is too much here – so he is drenched and tired and shocked, while Elder Cunningham is dry, and alert and why had Elder Cunningham’s prayer been answered?

It shouldn’t have been so hard to work out what the right thing to do was, granted, these circumstances were exceptional but there were rules and Kevin had always followed them. But those rules had led him here. They should have led him to Orlando. His incredible journey should have led him there.

And then, it did.

A Hell Dream isn’t restful at the best of times, and these are the worst of times. The dream is vivid, and bright, feathered and sequined, and horrific. It seems to last and lifetime, at least ten hours of his life has been lost to the redness. He’s almost euphoric when he awakens; fear, adrenaline and righteousness pounding through him.

The village is going to be saved, and Kevin is the one who is going to do it. Up until Kevin needs to be saved, and it turns out that it is the village who does it. The village and Nabulungi, and the pageant, and Arnold Cunningham, his best friend.

The days between the events of the General, and the hospital and the baptisms and the Mission President’s visit blur into one. Kevin can’t rest, and when he finds himself stopping then he can’t bear to stop. It’s too much to try and think, it feels as though he hasn’t slept in weeks, and that he hasn’t felt peace in far longer. None of what has passed makes any sense, his head pounds, his body aches he feels violated and confused and - “of course you woke up, you drank twelve cups of coffee!”

But he hasn’t slept.

When they were seven years old Jack had stayed up all night. He’d tried to make Kevin stay up too, saying that it would be fun that they could tell scary stories and sneak around the house, maybe watch some TV or play games while the rest of the house was sleeping. But Kevin had said his prayers and tucked himself into his neatly made bed. The next day Jack was giddy with lack of sleep, he’d rocked on his hands and giggled into his cereal and he’d been sent to bed early without any dessert the next day. Kevin felt like that, watching the car-crash of the pageant unfold in front of him he could barely contain his giddy joy at the misfortune they found themselves in. As though it was happening to somebody else, as though other people were going to suffer for this, as though there were no consequences for them.

And then, at McKinley’s and Cunningham’s and Nabulungi’s faces he felt the true magnitude of the action rock into him like the swell hitting the bow of a boat.  Understanding, actual understanding, like Joseph Smith at the moment of his death, you have to believe the words because of what they can do for you, and not just what they say or who said them. Arnold Cunningham had created an Orlando, it had never been about getting Planet Orlando, but about making that within yourself.

Kevin smiled, delirious.

When Kevin woke up he was twisted onto the couch in the living quarters of the Mission Hut, a grown man curled up under a soft pink blanket that wasn’t his. Kinks in his back and a crick in his neck, eyelids still heavy with sleep, a dry mouth, a rested body and a ready soul. It was time to wake up, something unexpected and incredible was about to begin.

[jugs-and]

2016 through music.

I wouldn’t say that music has become less of a thing for me in 2016. Music is great, it’s how I’ve met a lot of people, but I feel I hit a lot more musical dead-ends than previous years. There was this point--multiple points--where I couldn’t really figure what music I liked. It was different from previous years, as I spent more time in search of new music, than having a lot of playlisted albums to listen to. 

Music did not necessarily feel less important to me, it merely was not quite the marker for passage of time as well as previous years. As a consequence, my music tastes were a bit all over the place: I feel I began the year listening to a lot of UK hardstyle and  grime, then I went through a period with very dark, industrial techno, gabber beats--not related to any life event, it was just what I enjoyed at the time. Beyond that, I dabbled in some folk and country towards the end of the year, with some rap/gospel-- a la Chance the Rapper, A Tribe Called Quest both releasing excellent albums. This year ended with a lot of musicals and show-tunes to finish it off.

January - Of all the celebrity deaths this year, nothing topped David Bowie for me on the 10th of January. I actually was listening to “Blackstar” on Spotify the days leading up to his death, after hearing to the title track premiere on BBC Radio in December. I make it sound like a competition, but no other death even came close in 2016. The thing about Bowie was how timeless his music was in its ability to be “pop” and just something off-the-wall completely. It was always so recognizably “Bowie” but never quite tame or relaxed, his music always seemed tense as if in some sort of dichotomy. So long, Starman.

Honestly, the only person that I would be more upset about is if Brian Eno died.

 Lazarus - David Bowie

February - From the sunny glory of January, I got into the groove of a lot of UK hardcore and classic happy hardcore. 

It was really warm this month. I remember trying to build my PC, and walking to R-’s house to borrow his battery pack. That same weekend, I was browsing the hardcore section at Real Groovy. I remember this story specifically because I told this story for Rd- at work. A 30yo.+ guy started chatting to me recommending <those> hardcore mixes--the ones with the salacious covers with cartoon fake tits with suspicious names like DJ Candylicious. I swear I didn’t know this guy.

The gateway into this genre was a RobDaBank mix I was listening to on Spotify, there was an Elf Kid track. I loved the flow and sense of genuine fun, I want to note that I liked it before it became super cool. I can literally trace it back to that one track which made me pull out old Dizzee Rascal, Wiley, Basement Jaxx, Skepta, DJ EZ albums, and ultimately into UK hardcore.

Golden Boy - Elf Kid

March - Early March when I went to see Sufjan Stevens. I went by myself because I bought my tickets incredibly late, it was amazing. The set was the material that dreams are made of, my dreams specifically.

He played through most of his new album with bombast and sincerity. There was a certain restraint to his set considering the content concerning the death of his mother. His encore set was a sparse affair with a three man band armed with mandolin, trumpet and double bass--tracks from Seven Swans, Michigan, Illinoise e.t.c.

I cried a little when Chicago played.

Fourth of July - Sufjan Stevens

April - April was uneventful, I don’t remember very much specifically about these days. I know I actually completed Fallout 4, the first video game in years that I’ve committed time to actually complete. It wasn’t even that great of a game, I generally don’t have the patience or the time to commit to something like that. I tried to replicate this with The Witcher 3--multiple times in 2016, but I have not found success so far.

The Irish flatmate had just moved in and he made it clear that I lacked a certain finesse around preparing potatoes. He set down his phone, he often walked around the flat with music blaring from his phone as if to announce his entrance.

Baz Luhrmann - Wear Sunscreen (Mau Kilauea’s Tropical Remix)

May - A lot of late nights at work. I don’t even remember what I was working on that was so important to warrant late nights. I’m trying to be a lot better with leaving work if I don’t need to do it till the next day. The late nights, I listened to a lot of mixes, and Traumprinz’s RA mix really stood out to me as well as his Giegling mix. There wa s a lot of distractedness digging through his discogs and finding his EPs.

There Will Be XTC is my favourite track that I’ve heard this year. The drum loop is so simple and emotive, the whole track is just so heavy.

Traumprinz - There Will Be XTC

June - While I did say Bowie’s death was incredibly upsetting, I feel the death of Christina Grimmie was probably the most devastating death this year. I don’t think she is quite a celebrity, outside of youtube I don’t think she was particularly well known. The nature of her death was just devastating, and so completely bizarre that it really bothered me for days. The whole fragility and unpredictability of human life still really bothers me.

I remember going to work on Monday after following the news stories, and just completely numb. I don’t really follow her music much at all, she was a relic of a time past. The month just went by quickly marking the halfway point in the year, I worked on some pretty good projects.

Just a Dream - Christina Grimmie and Sam Tsui 

July - Family holiday in New York, we were all walking on the boardwalk at Coney Island and this was playing. It’s all a bit nostalgic, though I’d never been there before in my life. I’d seen the landscapes and the pier that reaches out into the water in so many movies.

The “Cyclone” ride was all the more exhilarating because I feared for my life and safety on that rickety timber framing, than any intended thrills. It was an excellent ride though, there is a certain art to it all.  

Kent Jones - Don’t Mind

August - A close friend got married this month in Devonport.

It was an awesome wedding, it made me really hopeful. The wedding was basically crowd-sourced, and put together for nothing. The entire thing was  fueled by the generous giving of the church I attend. In fact, the wedding date was only decided two weeks before because the church hall they were interested in had an opening.

I woke up early the morning of the wedding, and caught the sunrise from the North Head. The ferry I wanted to catch, I actually missed, and I sat in McDonalds, I bought two Egg and Bacon McMuffins. My headphones had Azealia Banks playing and I remember wearing my Sunday best while clambering up the grassy bank, trying not to mess up any of my clothes.

But oh my gosh, I love this track. It’s so braggadocio and so unashamedly AB.

Azealia Banks - Big Big Beat

September - I did my second Tongariro Crossing. A lot has changed since I did it last--dare I say, it’s a lot easier now, a lot of stairs instead of clambering up half-formed tracks. It was starkly empty compared to the summertime I completed last time. We hired crampons and ice-axes and climbed up Mount Doom. It was a great time, though the weather for long periods of time made it seem unlikely.  

In the car ride down, I sat with Colin. I fell asleep in the front seat, and did that thing where you jerk awake. I also assumed someone’s name wrong because he was Spanish and another guy in our group was Spanish, and they both looked the same. There were a lot of other episodes, including driving down a country road in pitch darkness for fun, and Lady Gaga was playing on the radio inbetween Te Kuiti and the backpackers.

Lady Gaga - Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) 

October - I ran a half-marathon this month, it was a week after my birthday. My training up to the marathon was a bit stunted with an injury two weeks before the run cutting my plans to a half. The entire run, I was listening to hardstyle, which I hastily downloaded beforehand. There was a Kutski mix from a Dublin show--I was mostly too tired to concentrate on it too much, I remember having to constantly increase the volume higher and higher to keep it having any relevance to my motivation.

Donald Trump won the US Presidential Elections as well this month. I’m probably more upset about it now, than I was on the day itself. His cabinet picks are <incredibly> establishment. It’s all rather disappointing, I just look forward to the resounding loss that the Republican are going to receive next election.

The second Presidential Candidate debate based within a town hall meeting, some writers suggested Donald Trump’s performance was akin to the single mom was summoned to the Harper Valley PTA. Donald Trump was the mirror that highlighted the imperfections of the Republican Party and I’m not sure if I agree. It’s a bit of a desperate comparison, but that Loretta Lynn album is great. 

Loretta Lynn - Harper Valley PTA

November - I went to a Nina Kraviz show. I followed a lot of artists on her Trip label and adored her sets on the BBC Radio Residencies. I actually missed out on tickets initially, I don’t keep up with local music gigs. I don’t keep up because I find Auckland, in general, to be very thin on culture per capita. I did end up snagging some at the last minute off facebook, someone was offering tickets and I messaged him within a minute.

It was great, I loooooove techno a lot. It’s dark, it’s cerebral, it’s spiritual--I just lose myself in it. I missed the set by Bjarki which I am slightly peeved about because I slept from 11pm - 1am because I’m not a weirdo who parties all night. I’m the weirdo on the dancefloor just in another world--actually, I guess there are quite a few of those but on ecstasy.

Ghetto Kraviz - Nina Kraviz (Regal Sad Remix)

The days seemed to be going by so slowly at work. Christmas felt all so close and yet so far away. Desperately slowly. I occupied my days with headphones at work, keeping a low profile and listening to Hamilton. There were days where I would listen to the soundtrack three times to mark the passage of time. When the third listen finished, it was time to go home. Wait For It really stood out on first listen, but Satisfied is the best track for sure, and there are so many good tracks in there. The whole track is just reminiscent of sitting at the office, which is an unfortunate thing. 

Wait for It - Lin Manuel Miranda

December - The last month before the new year. Contrasting the previous month, this seemed to all pass so quickly. Especially that last week, the entire office was rushing projects one after the other for three important client meetings.

At the end of year party, I think I was a bit intoxicated. I hadn’t eaten anything and drank two beer and left pretty early, forgetting my Secret Santa gift and my plane itineraries. I’m back in Wellington for Christmas, my brother is here as well. I’m kind of sick at the moment--I just started sneezing on Sunday, hay fever on Boxing Day, and it just never stopped with the running nose and sore throat.

The first day I felt maybe over 50%, we drove up to the Tararuas yesterday, and just jammed Eminem and twenty one pilots--all the greatest road trip music. I do like this twenty one pilots track a lot--though, I am extremely unlikely to watch Suicide Squad ever.

Heathens - twenty one pilots

Wow. That was long. Hi. 

tl;dr - playlist. 

[ecotone99]

[NF] A Journey Through India

“Can we switch now?” I muttered as I rolled my head over on the cement floor. The florescent lights of the train station pierced my squinted eyes. Thale didn’t react so I reached up to nudge her. She looked comfortable on the table. I decided to let her be. I wasn’t getting any sleep so I sat up on the floor. I was disappointed to see a few men around, naively having thought that the women’s waiting room would be strictly for women. There was apparently no escape from the incessant gaze of men in India.

Men stared at me everywhere I went and they kept staring until I was out of sight. I would like to say that I got used to it eventually, but really I just got more irritated and uneasy with every passing day. I would also like to say that these men were staring at me out of curiosity, and perhaps they were, but it didn’t feel like that. It had been a few years since I had left my home country to explore other parts of the world. I was used to the puzzled look on people’s faces as I gurgled unfamiliar words in my mouth. I was comfortable in my role as the peculiar foreigner. These men never smiled at me or tried to make friendly contact with me. They just stared and occasionally made lewd gestures. This didn’t feel like curiosity, it felt like a threat.

I pulled my camera out from my oversized purse and started to thumb through pictures from our sunrise visit to the Taj Mahal that morning. I could feel the stares. Our midnight train was supposed to leave hours ago. I was desperate to get out of India. I knew I was in way over my head. Rajasthan is no place for two teenaged girls, especially not in the summer. The burning temperatures kept most Westerners away from northern India in the summer months. A lack of tourists sounded appealing at first. We had imagined having palaces all to ourselves and absorbing the local culture without the distraction of other travelers. What a lack of tourists really meant was that our pale white skin and golden locks would be in stark contrast to the local population, making us the main attraction at the palaces.

“What time is it?” Thale’s vocal chords were strained. She broke my concentration on my tiny camera screen. I looked down at my watch.

“4 AM. The luggage guys came about a half an hour ago to say that our train got delayed again.” She rolled over and went back to sleep. I kept flipping through my photos of spectacular palaces and bustling markets, as well as some memories with some friendly people that I had met along the way. There were some beautiful sights in India, that was undeniable. There were also some disturbing ones, which made the great ones seem even better. The dazzling sunsets over the Ganges river almost made me forget how miserable I was in Varanasi, a holy city where holy mangy cows fend for themselves in the city streets and junkyards. The roads were mud paths covered in a blanket of trash. And where there was trash, there were cows eating trash. Goats and humans occasionally showed up to join them in feast. There were no trees and no greenery. What photos didn’t capture were my constant migraines from the heat. I couldn’t be outside in the middle of the day without feeling agitated and nauseous. People were dying from heatstroke. We had air-conditioning.

The door of the women’s waiting room started to open. I recognized our backpacks through the clear glass door. They were perched on the shoulders of two tiny men.

“Come now. Train coming now,” one of the men said before turning around and back out the door.

“Thale, wake up!” I nudged her harder this time.

“Uhhhh,” she grunted.

“C’mon, our train is coming!” I urged her to get up as I threw my camera into my purse and shot up on my feet. I marched towards the door. Thale got up in slow motion and followed me sluggishly. I scanned the many platforms of the open-aired train station looking for the men with our backpacks. The lights were flickering and the sunlight was slowly starting to creep in, reflecting off of the tracks. There were small groups of families scattered around the station and some single men. The muffled announcements echoing in a language I didn’t understand drowned out the conversations between fatigued parents and their children. I spotted our backpacks waving to us from one of the faraway platforms.

“I see them,” Thale stated, suddenly more alert, “Let’s go.” I followed her this time. We walked past the tracks and down the stairs leading to the other side of the platform where we met our luggage carriers.

“Train not coming now,” The same man informed us. The mute man frowned at us in solidarity. Thale and I made our way towards a nearby bench, sulking. We were growing impatient. All of the benches were occupied. We were too exhausted to stand any longer so we sat down on the floor as far away from others as we could.

In various cities in Europe or the United States, I usually found comfort in being surrounded by other people when I walked home at night. I felt no such comfort in India. It is not unheard of that girls have been gang raped in India as passersby mind their business, afraid of getting involved and subsequently becoming a target. There was no safety in numbers there, and there was no relying on strangers to protect us.

Thale sat facing me so that we could keep an eye out on what was going on behind one another. She pulled out a sandwich from her bag. It was from Subway. We had stopped there on our way to the station. The area around the Taj Mahal was full of tourist friendly establishments. Like a homemade meal after a long day, a soggy sandwich from an American chain restaurant gave us comfort. That’s not to say that I ever got sick of Indian food. I was bedridden for three days because of it, and still continued to eat rice and some type of stew for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But a Subway sandwich that day, something I rarely if ever ate at home, felt right.

When the lights flickered bright I could see the despair in Thale’s eyes. She jittered nervously as a rat scurried by. I looked around to see them everywhere. I could also see the lower halves of some people. Men that were once standing with their families started to separate from them.

“Are they pointing at us?” I needed Thale to reconfirm that I wasn’t imaging this out of paranoia.

“They’re coming closer.” I wasn’t sure if she was talking about the rats or the men. The lights flickered and I could see that the men had subtly started to form a circle around us. The rats were mostly gone. There is always a silver lining.

There we were, sitting on the floor in our tethered clothing that had been sweat through many times without having received a better wash than what we could make due with a bar of soap and a bathroom sink. Nothing more than our toes, hands and faces were exposed, but they saw us. They didn’t see us how I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be seen as a person with ideas and experiences and needs and desires. They saw a button-nosed girl with bone white skin and luminescent hair that had enough money to travel far. They saw a woman with the nerve to leave the house without an escort. She must be begging for attention. Maybe she’s a whore, or maybe she is looking for a man to marry her and keep her safe from the dangers of other men. Maybe she is just stupid.

A flash of bright light struck down on us. I turned around to see men hovering over us with their cellphones.

I was taught that people live differently in different parts of the world and that when traveling, one shouldn’t judge or complain about the local culture, but rather adapt to it and embrace it. I was taught that although these cultural differences may make people seem different, deep down we all want the same things. We are all equals, deserving of the same respect and kindness. One shouldn’t judge another human based on where they come from, how they dress, look or how much money they have. There are no bad people, just misunderstood people. I was taught that as a woman, I could do anything that a man could do. These are the ideologies that led me to think that I could handle India on my own. I had underestimated what these men were capable of in the name of staying woke.

“I don’t know what to do. I’m scared. Should we run?” I looked around to try and see if there was anywhere to turn to. I looked for another group of travelers or maybe a woman with children. There was a white couple with big backpacks on another platform, but they were getting on the train. There were no women without men in sight. After all, Indian women don’t go out alone, and I shouldn’t have either. I needed a hug so I clenched my purse instinctively. I was always on the lookout for thieves in India. In it was my camera that I had gotten from my parents just a few weeks prior on my nineteenth birthday. It could probably be sold in India for enough to feed a family for a long time. However, I knew that it wasn’t my bag that they wanted. I was ready to get up and leave when I heard Thale chanting into her phone in her native language. I couldn’t understand her words, but I could understand her tone, solemn and apprehensive. They were getting closer.

“Who was that?”

“My dad. I was just telling him where we are, just in case.” That’s when I realized that I wasn’t being irrational, or paranoid or racist. I sat there, feeling small. I hugged my knees and draped my translucent blue scarf over my face and body, in an effort to block the stares. I hoped that if I could curl myself up small enough, I might just melt into the floor. Was this the end? Would there be headlines across all major American newspapers about a stupid girl that thought she could survive India? They were too close. The circle was getting smaller. I was reluctant to make any sudden movements in case that prompted them to act instinctively.

“Let’s move. Let’s go, now.” I demanded, leaving my better judgement behind. I grabbed my things and stood up. A gust of wind nearly knocked me back down. It was a train passing by. Was it our train? Incoherent voices echoed on the intercom. I looked over to the luggage carriers. They signaled us to get on. We hurried over to them and followed them onto the train and didn’t look back.

We squeezed our way through the center aisle that was designed for much smaller people with much less luggage. As the train started to move we found our seats. Thale talked into her phone again as I looked out the window. We were headed towards the Nepal boarder. After a few minutes, the view of the outer city slums had transitioned into a view of the countryside. The sun was peeking over the horizon. Plump cows grazed in the sparkling green grass. Neatly plowed farms were being looked after by early rising farmers. India was a land of many contrasts.

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