#without saying that the better place is dead

[ladywaffles]

A little ditty about the first time Maverick preened Ice’s wings for him… thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! :)

It happens during Ice’s molt, the year they decide to call a spade and spade and stopped leaving before dawn. They send their second class back out to sea three days before Ice molts. Maverick has been an instructor for almost a year, but this is Ice’s first molt as an instructor.

He’s not unused to flying, but it’s been a while since he’s put this many hours in the sky, pulling the maneuvers that Top Gun teaches. He wakes up at three in the morning with an itch in his wings that makes him want to crawl out of his own skin.

It’s hell.

Ice trudges to the bathroom and closes the door before he flicks the light on, careful to make sure that it doesn’t bleed out through the doorway and wake Maverick up. If one of them has to be awake and miserable at oh-dark-thirty in the morning, there’s no sense in the other one suffering when they’re in between cohorts.

He gets a look at his wings in the mirror, and it’s rough. He hasn’t looked this bad since he was nineteen and putting himself through the rigor of daily PT in Annapolis. Sighing, he stretches a wing out and starts plucking at the dead feathers, massaging them out until they fall to the floor. It’s a mind-numbing task, especially in the middle of the night when he could be in bed, pressed against the warm line of Maverick’s body next to his, but he knows well enough that he won’t be able to fall asleep until he’s worked most of the way through his wings.

He’s just about to reach for the awkward part by his shoulder when the bathroom door swings open.

Maverick looks about as tired as Ice feels. His hair is rumpled, sticking straight up on one side of his head, and he blinks in the harsh light from the bathroom vanity like a drunk trying to focus on walking in a straight line.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Maverick squints at him.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Ice says.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Maverick pouts.

Ice stares at him blankly. It’s too goddamn early (late?) for him to figure out what Maverick wants from him.

“It’s the middle of the night, Mav, you should be asleep,” he says.

“We should be asleep,” Maverick replies and drags him out of the bathroom with a steel grip on his wrist. He makes it all the way to the edge of the bed, pushes down on Ice’s shoulders until he’s sitting on the ground, then sits on the mattress with Ice between his legs.

“Maverick, I can take care of this, really, go back to sleep,” Ice tells him.

“Will you just shut up already and let me get on with it so we can both go back to bed,” Maverick grumbles.

Ice does as he’s told and shuts up. Maverick’s already irritable enough, and Ice doesn’t want to piss him off more.

Mav is faster than he is at working the dead feathers free. It helps that he’s got a better vantage point and can actually reach all of Ice’s wing without contorting his arms into twisted poses, but Maverick really is better at preening than Ice is. It feels nice, to have Mav’s nimble fingers running through his feathers. It’s a good feeling on a normal day, when they’re cleaning up after a day of blasting the kids out of the sky, but when he’s molting and every feather out of place is that much more annoying? Ice would bottle the sensation if he could.

He doesn’t realize how deep he’s out of it until his cheek smacks into Mav’s thigh. Ice jerks up, his wings puffing out as he snaps awake.

“You undid it all,” Maverick moans. “Will you just calm down and let me work?” He pushes in between Ice’s shoulder blades until Ice relaxes, then threads his fingers through Ice’s almost-too-long hair and guides it back to rest on his leg.

“No, I want to stay awake,” Ice protests. “You’re awake too, I woke you up—”

“Kazansky, I would not be here if I didn’t want to be,” Maverick says.

“But—”

“Let me take care of you, Ice.”

Ice wants to twist around and look at him, but Maverick curls his own wings around them both, cocooning them away from the rest of the world. It’s hard to fight the lure of comfort then, so Ice lets himself melt into Maverick as he works through the molting feathers.

He falls asleep at some point, and it’s nearly dawn by the time that Mav tugs him into bed properly and drags them both under the covers. Ice drapes himself over Maverick, their chests pressed together, until Maverick winds his arms around Ice’s body and holds him close.

“Thank you, love you,” Ice mumbles, straight into Maverick’s skin.

“Tell me again when you’re awake, hotshot,” Maverick says.

///

The sunshine wakes him up properly. It’s mid-morning, and Maverick is already awake, scratching his fingers along the base of Ice’s wings.

“Good morning, grumpy,” Maverick teases.

“Don’t stop,” Ice whines, tucking his head under Mav’s chin. He feels Maverick’s laugh in his chest, but Maverick does as Ice asks and runs his hands over Ice’s back.

“You could’ve woken me up,” Ice says.

“Funny, I think I said the same thing to you last night.”

Ice lifts his chin enough to look at Maverick. “I didn’t want to bother you,” he says.

“Am I sleeping in your bed?”

“Mav—”

“It’s a yes or no question. Am I sleeping in your bed?”

“Yes.”

“How long have I been doing that?”

“Four months, give or take.”

“In the past four months, have I ever given you the idea that I don’t want to be here?”

“No.”

“Logic and clear thinking would indicate then that I want you to bother me by walking me up when you’re uncomfortable, wouldn’t it? Because it wouldn’t be a bother.” Maverick cups his cheek. “C’mon, Kazansky. I know you’re Mister Ice-Cold-No-Mistakes, but I think you’ve got room for me. I want to be here. Let me be here for you.”

“Thank you,” Ice says. He doesn’t know what else to say. “It’s… been a while since someone did that for me. I usually just ride it out myself.”

“Two fuckin’ years since we met, and you never thought to ask for my help?” Maverick grins.

Ice tries to think of a retort, then last night comes back to him in crystal clear picture, like the sky above the Pacific on a cloudless day.

He knows exactly what to say.

“I get it. I know why you want me to wake you up when I’m up and uncomfortable,” Ice says, pushing his weight onto his elbows so he can hold himself above Maverick.

“Yeah? What is it then?” Maverick asks.

“I love you.”

He watches as Maverick passes through a carousel of emotions in a matter of moments.

“You said to tell you again when I was awake,” Ice continues.

“I did say that, didn’t I,” Maverick replies, breathless. “Say it again.”

“I love you.”

“If you keep talking to me like that, we’re not gonna make it out of bed in time for lunch,” Maverick says.

“Promise?”

There’s a playful glint in Maverick’s eye, the same one Ice saw the day he asked for a flyby for two.

Ice smiles back. “Love you.”

First post of the new year (even though I started this pic in december shhhh)

and what a surpise, it's more wing!au :) I just like the juxtaposition of admiral Kazansky (2 star here), polished to such perfection even his feathers are gleaming, versus just Ice, casual, rumpled feathers being diligently seen to by his loving partner.

Maverick has trouble sitting still usually, but preening Ice like this gets him to focus like nothing else (except for when he's flying a jet, of course)

[unfortunate-brat]

You’re Mine | guitarist!ryomen sukuna x latina!reader

pairing: guitarist!ryomen sukuna x latina!reader

synopsis: you may have left the club with someone else but sukuna knows you’ll never be satisfied unless its him.

word count: 1.3k

warnings: slight pussy inspection, drinking, smoking, dirty talk, degrading words, obsession, jealousy, talk of pregnancy, implication of choking, sukuna is in denial, toxic relationship, sukuna is not a romantic,

yazzy's comments: so its between sukuna and jensen ackles for brainrot. truly i’m fucked if i ever encounter being sandwiched between them. artist is Marcellet19 on twitter !!

18+, must have age in bio to interact. minors and ageless accounts will be blocked !!

💌 follow @unfortunate-bratfics for just new posted imagines !!

his eyes look into the crowd as each finger chooses the right tune for the song’s melody. it’s the first time sukuna’s sung in front of a big group of people, let alone outside of his own room. gojo advised him to picture everyone naked to help ease the nerves but that only makes the guitarist disgusted. besides there’s only one person who looked good naked.

you were sipping your drink at the bar, eyes elsewhere as sukuna continued to entertain the crowd. he wonders if you’re avoiding his gaze, if the words he’s singing sound familiar to your ears, if you’d maybe look his way for fucking once.

strumming his guitar, he looks down to his fingers moving with perfect precision, this beat was nothing new of course. the pink haired fool had practiced it for three weeks while thinking of you. losing sleep as every wrong note would remind him of that night you screamed at him for being a jackass. that he would never change for the better. that perhaps whatever arrangement the two of you had was pure poison.

those dark eyes focus upon you yet again, unable to stray away from the hand that has wrapped around your waist. how dare you let someone else touch you? sukuna takes a moment to glance away, so no one figures he’s trying to blow someone up with his mind.

with the final note, sukuna glances in your direction yet again and sees the other guy dragging you away towards the bathroom. your laughter seemingly follows behind but its too loud in this place to tell for sure. what he does know is that whoever was pulling you away was a dead man.

he’s about three glasses deep in vodka, opting to just get it without ice as his thoughts are haunted by your face. there’s no doubt that you haven’t left and are still somewhere with that fucking asshole. as much as sukuna is very much to blame for you being with someone else, he won’t think to apologize.

dark crimson eyes dart to the bathroom where you had seemingly disappeared to, debating whether to get up and drag your ass out or to wait. the buzz running through his body was fueling his thoughts to beat up the guy but he’ll never get to play at this club if that happened. he’ll just have to play the long game.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ━━━━⊱༒︎ • ༒︎⊰━━━━ ⋆⁺₊⋆

meanwhile you had snuck out to the front of the club and shared a cigarette with the stranger from earlier. both your bodies huddled close together to fight the chill of the night.

normally you didn’t smoke but after a couple drinks, the craving overpowered your brain. luckily this guy had a whole pack and for now, you enjoy the sting of nicotine coating your airways. it’s better than the sting of a certain someone’s kiss, despite how you somewhat missed them.

there’s no doubt that the song sukuna covered tonight was about you, it’s one of the many he practiced while you were asleep during the rare times that sukuna let you stay over that is. and you could feel his eyes burning a hole into your body, assuming that he knew you were with someone else.

“cold sweetheart?” a voice says softly, interrupting your thinking as a warm jacket covers your shoulders. “there, I wouldn't want you to freeze.”

you smiled softly, taking the last drag of the cancerous stick before handing it back to him. “thank you.” the smile he returns makes your knees weak, who knew someone else could do that for you? “you sure you’re not gonna freeze?”

the man lets out a smirk before wrapping an arm around your waist, closing the distance between you both. “nah, i got you to help me with that.” his lips meet yours and you can’t help but kiss back with the same passion. ignoring the cigarette that fell to the floor, being snuffed out by his foot. your arms wrapping around his neck as he chuckles between kisses. “see? feeling warmer already.”

“oh shut up.” pulling away you glance at the cab’s waiting for someone to use their services. “wanna head to my place?”

⋆⁺₊⋆ ━━━━⊱༒︎ • ༒︎⊰━━━━ ⋆⁺₊⋆

sukuna doesn’t sleep, something in his brain telling him that you were up to no good. if he could drive, he’d head to your place. toss you on the bed and make you remember who could make you scream the loudest. paint that pretty skin of yours with bite marks and various hickies. make you so stupid all you can blabble out is his name.

running a hand through his spiky strands of pink, sukuna glances at the time on his phone. it’s already six am and a whole night passed without him realizing. guess his thoughts were too deep.

with a groan, he grabs something basic, sweats and a black hoodie before heading out of his apartment. alcohol may make his ability to drive out of the question but walking won’t. you did live a bit far but his determination will fuel his energy. and if anything, sukuna was gonna make you take him back. even if it’ll take a couple rounds of sex to do so.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ━━━━⊱༒︎ • ༒︎⊰━━━━ ⋆⁺₊⋆

there’s a pounding at your door and despite you not wanting to get up, your neighbors might start complaining. so with not so graceful steps, you rise from the warmth of your bed to the door. wrapping a silk robe around your figure as all you slept with was panties. finding a tall and dark figure standing in your doorway, the stench of vodka oozing off his skin.

“you gonna let me in or what?” his eyes stare into your own, taking note that you were pretty much naked underneath the silk.

“it’s six in the morning, can’t this wait?” you whine, rubbing one of your eyes as sukuna pushes past you. “i’m tired.”

he freezes before slowly turning around as you shut the door. “tired from what?” and within seconds sukuna has you pinned against the wooden door, one hand resting at your throat. “from faking with him? or did he know what he was doing?” Your hands are powerless against his own as they remove your robe, shifting down to the lace barely covering your cunt. “no marks, is he too scared to hurt you or what?”

you can’t fight him, nor stop his actions as the buzz from earlier is still in your veins. as your judgment isn’t in its best state and old feelings are resurfacing. it had been three months since he last touched you like this. you had mostly avoided him of course but how long could you resist him entirely?

your body is thrown down onto the mattress, legs spread apart as sukuna rips the lace covering the last inch of you in two. rough and callused fingers spreading your folds open as he chuckles darkly. “look at my beautiful girl, she looks abused. guess he did know what he was doing huh?” you can’t help but look away, biting back the moan that threatens to escape you.

his thumb swipes through the arousal that began to pool out, bringing it to his mouth for a quick taste. a mixture of your sweet juices and a bit of saltiness greeting his taste buds. “hmm, you always were such a slut for creampies.” he takes a moment to look up at you, noting how you chose to look away. “what, you hate me now?” a harsh slap against your folds makes you whimper as he grins. “that’s not what this pussy thinks and you know it.” another slap, followed by three more make you whine and the shame pools in your stomach.

his free hand grabs your chin, forcing your eyes to meet. “you can fuck anyone, act like it’ll be enough but we both know the truth at the end of the day.” there’s no warning when his tip greets your entrance, you hadn’t even noticed his sweats were off. “this pussy is mine and i don’t have any issue reminding you. nor do i care his cum is still inside.” he pushes inside, bottoming out as you writhe and squirm under his towering frame. “let’s see which one gets you pregnant first.”

⋆⁺₊⋆ ━━━━⊱༒︎ • ༒︎⊰━━━━ ⋆⁺₊⋆

Please note; I do not allow translations or redistributions of my work by anyone else except myself. MDNI, if your account is ageless or empty, I will block you !! Minors are NOT welcome here.

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

Do you think the people could have won the Sunshot Campaign against the Wens without Wei Wuxian's ghost cultivation?

I have seen many fics with this idea, saying how what Wei Wuxian did was unnecessary, but I feel like those fics tend to depict Wei Wuxian as the "self-sacrificing" idiot which I loathe so much.

I feel like they would have lost imo. Not saying Lan Wangji, Nie Mingjue, and Lan Xichen are weak, but there's only so much they can do against an entire behemoth like the Wens. Not to mention the amount of territory they have lost to the Wens. What they lacked were numbers, and Wei Wuxian's cultivation quickly fixed that problem.

(So, I'm going to disclaimer this that this is probably going to be a heavily unpopular opinion and hey fair, but this is just what I came away with):

I think fandom makes Wei Wuxian a power fantasy trip in fics that just aren't to a realistic standard that we are shown by proxy of the plot we are given, Wei Wuxian's own character and thematics.

What won the war was dirty tricks. Wei Wuxian only provided very tentative sustainability and was able to recover one of the Jianghu's limbs that was ready to fall off (Yunmeng Jiang). Yunmeng Jiang had barely any man power behind it after Lotus Pier was taken hostage, aside from Wei Wuxian's control of fallen Wen soldiers they fought and Yunmeng Jiang survivors not present at the massacre. He was constrained to Jiang Cheng's side via duty of being his right hand and there is no reason tor him to not be with Yunmeng Jiang war efforts. Which means his usage of jiangshi was to the exclusivity of Yunmeng Jiang battles.

He was not a leader and Jiang Cheng certainly wasn't going to throw what was his best asset into the thick of it when they had the chance to make the clan survive. As you said, Wei Wuxian is not self sacrificial and he explicitly says this as well in the original draft of the novel during the Guanyin Confession.

Wei Wuxian did not have the time to make a mass army of corpses. That would have taken years upon years with him the one alone even trying to do that. Remember the anti Wei Wuxian talk point of: He's using Grandma's dead body, but he certainly wasn't about to make jiangshi out of their own allies as that would have been out of character for him, and grounded fodder for clans to use against him even sooner than when he protected the Wen Remnants. He was also accused of this plan by the Jins and Jin Guangyao is the one to actually amass an army of hundreds of jiangshi over thirteen years to attack the other clans during the second seige for the damage needed to be an immediate threat.

Wei Wuxian did not have the actual resources to even think or want to do that as that takes a very cruel mind to come up with a plan like that. He also did what he set out to do, which was take the seat of Yunmeng Jiang back for Jiang Cheng by killing the ones that took it in the first place. Wei Wuxian was not what turned the tide of the war or what ended it. Even with him making Wen soldier Jiangshi in his own battles, it would still have been chipping at a mountain with all the other ground the Wens had. There were three other sects that Wei Wuxian did not have a duty to and were also struggling to maintain their own. Nie Mingjue did claim Bujing Shi by his own clan mettle to consolidate the other clans into something more organized. Even with Wei Wuxian the war was still in the thick of the clans not having the better hand regardless, just surviving.

What upheavals the war was Jin Guangyao ingratiating himself to Wen Ruohan (Who ironically elevated Wen Zhuliu as well as a prominent soldier despite both being commoners) and was named a torturer. Due to Jin Guangyao being able to get that close to Wen Ruohan, into his inner palace he was literally able to cut off the head of the war maker. But again, it takes a very cruel mind to have the tenacity to plan that out, manipulate, kill allies to be able to have the chance to do that. Jin Guangyao also coveted prestige and power something Wei Wuxian did not ever show interest in.

[yukimiyum]

ALL ROADS LEAD BACK TO YOU PT. 2 | 1,778 words (~13 minutes reading time). afab!reader, toxic!oliver, boyfriend!yukimiya, abandonment, complicated relationships, oliver pov & reader pov, penetrative sex, nipple play, fingering, creampies, praise, pet names (darling, my love, darling)

author's notes: you already know how enraged oliver would be over someone like yukimiya being with u...especially bc he knows better. i'm in tears btw. [ao3 link]

-> taglist: @qichun @unriding @mitsuwuyaa @suyacho @rhyzoma -> join the taglist!

it's so late, again.

oliver barely makes it back to his room before slamming his fists against the closed door. once again, they lost. they fucking lost, and there was nothing they could do. the hole in his chest is aching, roaring at him at how much of a failure he is, watching those quick feet sidestep him as if there was nothing he could've done.

there was nothing you could've done better.

sendou's voice echoes in his head. he knows he's right—sendou tends to be right whenever it comes to this stuff. he's smarter, he's dealt with failure far more than oliver ever has. being in his position, it naturally causes him to feel more. to deal with more. and he does, letting it slip off of him like water off of a turtle's shell.

so, he calls the one person he knows will pick up. it's been a good six months...maybe even longer. time seems to fail him these days, and while you haven't seen each other nearly as much as you normally do, it's...he misses you.

he fucking misses you so much, it hurts.

he's seen the vacancy in your eyes, too, whenever you're beneath him. that last time...it broke something inside you, he thinks. one time too many. one abandonment too many. he'd hurt you too many times, but he can't get enough of the way you come when called anyway. as if he's too good to let go. it gives him a sense of pride, of knowing no matter how much he hurts you, you'll still come back.

he's a fucking monster, and he's enjoying it.

that is, until your phone goes to voicemail.

he texts. the message goes through, a read receipt appears, but no dots appear of you typing. he texts again. no read receipt this time. he calls again. no answer. voicemail.

he's starting to get desperate. the overwhelming feeling that you're gone, that you've finally had enough; it frightens him. it terrifies him so much, seeing the shadows on the walls of his hotel room looking so much bigger and scarier than they have before as he calls again.

this time, finally, finally, someone picks up—

"hello? who is this?"

oliver's blood freezes in his veins.

because it's not your raspy, tired voice, full of exasperation and thinly concealed want. it's not a voice that he's familiar with hearing over the phone, but it's one he knows so, so well. well enough that he almost hears his phone crack in his hand.

because it's yukimiya's voice.

oliver can't bear to say anything. he's completely frozen, locked in place, his heart slamming in his ears as he watches his vision blur with tears. he's going to fucking cry, isn't he? he's going to fucking break down because this is confirmation that you're finally gone. you're finally done. it's over.

it's over it's over it's over—

yukimiya's voice hums on the other end, but there's no whisper or acknowledgement that you're even on the other end. you're being smart, he knows it—keeping silent while yukimiya chuckles, as if he knows it's oliver on the other end. but he can't know, you never saved his number, hence why he's asking who it is.

or he's being a dick. could be both.

the line goes dead after yukimiya whispers down the line, chills fluttering over oliver's back as the three beeps sound in his head. the three beeps of death, knowing you're not coming back.

hot, disgusting tears fall down his cheeks and into his short beard that he's grown, without you tutting at him and brushing your knuckles against his usual clean-shaven cheeks. his entire body feels freezing cold and like he's been dipped in flames at the same time.

his phone ends up cracked, shattered even, a dent in the wall as he stomps into the bathroom. he needs a cold shower. anything to forget that you're not coming back this time.

and it's his fault.

"yukki? who was that?" you whisper sleepily as your boyfriend reaches over to pick up your buzzing phone. he doesn't let you so much as look at the screen as he answers for you, before humming and hanging up, shrugging.

"must've been a spam caller," he says back to you, before moving back to what he was doing before your phone buzzed.

your stomach drops, because you know he's wrong. he doesn't know he's wrong, but you know—it had to have been oliver. yukimiya had come over immediately after their loss, wanting to feel your warmth just as he does after wins. he makes quick work of your clothes, but never fails to just lay with you and enjoy you—not like oliver, who only wanted aggression. to take things out on you. to use you for his own ends.

yukimiya's different. yukimiya feels safe.

yukimiya doesn't leave in the morning without a word to you.

yukimiya doesn't abandon you like you mean nothing to him.

yukimiya doesn't—

"my love, what has you so lost in thought?"

his voice is so soothing for you as you look down at him. his chin is perched on your bare chest, lean fingers cupping your breast, gently squeezing every now and then. his glasses have disappeared, somewhere on your bedside table, so his big eyes are only settled on you. there's concern in them, but mostly just love.

love. something you've always been looking for, but no one has ever wanted to give you.

"nothing." it's a lie, and yukimiya's much smarter than he lets on as his brows furrow for just a moment before shrugging it off. "i believe you," he says, moving up to nuzzle into your neck, "but i'm here to talk about it when you're ready." so patient.

his lips press against your soft flesh there, breathing your scent into his nostrils. "let me make you forget about it for now," he says in a low voice, his eyes precise as he looks up at you, moving downwards to capture one of your bare nipples in his mouth. his tongue rolls across it, flicking and sucking so gently that you can't help but keen, your thighs pressing together, feeling his lean hand become trapped between the fat.

his fingers gently push your underwear to the side, your thighs involuntarily shuddering as he drifts his fingers through your lips. his touch is so much softer than oliver's is, and even after a loss, yukimiya never fails to make sure you know he's not mad at you. he could never be mad at you, really—you know that. why would he, anyway? it's his loss.

this is his way of taking it out on you.

instead of oliver's commanding, angry demeanor, yukimiya takes a very sweet view on sex. it's the closest to making love you've ever gotten to.

because yukimiya treats this as his therapy, really. if he can make you cum, if he can make you squirt all over his thick cock and his pretty hands, then he's still good. he's still good enough, he's still worthy of something. of someone.

so much different than oliver. so much better than oliver.

yukimiya has you creaming all over him not long after that. his fingers make quick work of you, especially when he looks at you like that. so gently, as if you brought him into the world to serve you and there's nothing better for him out there. it's intoxicating how much he loves you—the past six months have proven that to you time and time again.

especially when he whispers against your neck how good you feel wrapped around him as he gently pushes into you, your walls accommodating his size slowly as he works you open. "god, you feel amazing every time," he groans out, thrusting into you, his hands on either side of your face, looking down at you with the sweetest smile as he watches you come undone beneath him.

his movements are like the ocean; consistent, moving in and out, reveling in how you squelch around him, so agonizingly slowly that you're getting frustrated. redness blotches across your cheeks as you whine, wriggling underneath him. his lips upturn in a smirk.

because yukimiya has his own drawbacks. obsessive ones, ones that you enjoy without realizing how much you like it.

"need something, love?"

"yukki," you whine, "need more, need more of you, please—"

this was the main one. he constantly teases you to tell him what you want. considering it a drawback isn't really accurate...it's more of a qualm. a passing annoyance that only leads to a harder climax for you—and that's why you enjoy it so much. secretly.

"oh, i'll give you more," he says, suddenly slamming into you so hard that stars erupt in your vision as your jaw falls open, a cry of ecstacy ripping form your throat, "i'll give you all of me if you only ask. all you have to do is say please, darling."

"y-yukki, yukki, yukki—"

"yeah? are you going to come for me again, sweet thing?" his voice is so patronizing, but there's no aggression behind it. only a sense of control, something yukimiya surprises you consistently with. for being such a pacifist, he really enjoys inflicting pain on you—painful yearning for him to make you come in the only way he knows how.

his hand sneaks down to where you two are joined, his wet thumb flicking against your clit as he rails you into the bed. the bedframe slams into the wall behind you, but you don't care. you never did. all you can feel is warmth pooling down below, your eyes rolling into the back of your head as you hear yukimiya laugh above you. "yeah, that's it, that's a good girl. you look so pretty squirting all over me, darling. i am so fucking lucky, my god—"

you can feel him filling you up as you ascend, your very skin feeling like it's on fire as yukimiya comes inside. but he doesn't stop, he never does as he fucks the come right back into you, not wanting to waste a single drop. he rides out your climaxes together, dropping his face into the crook of your neck as his hips finally sputter out and he collapses on top of you—a sweaty, welcoming warmth as you both catch your breath, a wet kiss pressed to your cheek as your eyes finally flutter back open.

and you forget all about the missed phone call when yukimiya's face swims into your vision, his smile so gentle as he presses another kiss to your lips, and then to your forehead.

"my beautiful girl."

divider credit: @/adornedwithlight networks: @pixelcafe-network

disclaimer: DO NOT copy or repost my works for any reason. translations are acceptable, but please ask for permission first!

© yukimiyum 2025

[whenlifegivesticks-blog]

The long overdue, extremely lengthy Heroes in Crisis Review. Put on your reading glasses because this is long. I just want to give a little summary, The entire comic is the definition of disrespecting existing characters as well as real people and their problems. I seen better writing from 13 year old wattpad kids who are just getting started on their writing journey. It's hard for me to believe professional writers wrote this. Now onto the detailed review.

Brain rot enjoyment meter (how much I enjoyed it without actually analyzing it) : 7/10

Actual rating: 3/10

I'll go on with the analysis part by part.

first of all characters: Half of them are out of character and the other half are random characters that dc hasn't used in over a decade, we don't care about. Only to kill them off and it has no impact whatsoever as we don't know who these people are plus bunch of one panel cameos of characters for absolute no reason and adds absolutely nothing to the actual plot or story. For example, Red Devil, Tattooed man, Hotspot (i later recognized him from teen titans). I am pretty young person so I absolutely did not know half the characters. And they didn't introduce or reintroduce in this case any of these characters. We barely know what their issues are or why they are at sanctuary.

All characters are out of character or completely dumbed down. Wally's entire character is massacred and even by the end I barely understood what was up with him. I'll expand on this later.

Batgirl, Barbara was just frustrating and felt really empty. Like she was just there and really didn't seem to add anything to the story. At least as a character she doesn't. She felt more like a plot device.

Batman was just ??? but he wasn't that bad but suffers from same thing as Babs. Felt like he was just there as a plot device and character wise he added nothing whatsoever. We don't even see him investigating properly.

superman was downright foul And made no sense. Ok so you're working on the investigation with Diana and Bruce, so what's with the tension and secrecy??? Like Clark is that really you?

and louis lane was just evil, will be explained later.

Hal Jordan made one of the one panel appearances and that one panel was enough to show that the writer knew absolutely nothing about him. I been reading old GL comics and that one panel was just... wow.

the bat kids made cameos and they just copy pasted dialogue for them with little differences.

The comic is only 9 issues and is short so it just doesn't really show off a lot of personality from characters that aren't Harley or booster. And even then these two were just... not very satisfactory.

Second of all, plot: Made absolutely no sense whatsoever, I read the ending twice and still don't know what happened or what's the message.

obvious spoilers:

So, in a heroes mental institute called sanctuary, everyone was found dead other than Harley Quinn and booster gold. Booster saw Harley kill everyone. Harley saw booster kill everyone. So its a murder mystery.

Except the comic is all over the place and does not give any needed or required context so it doesn't really feel anything. Like it immediately pulls you in with no context whatsoever, with characters you aren't allowed to build a connection with.

There's this ridiculous segment where Harley Quinn defeats the trinity like what???? Harley Quinn defeating superman , wonder woman and batman is impossible. Ya telling me Harley is stronger than darksied??? Better plot armor than batman...

and superman comments saying how Harley is just as good as Bruce... I call BS. The writers really trynna convince us Harley is stronger than batman.

like what?

she went toe to toe with booster gold and I'm like??? even with half his powers, booster gold wipes the floor with Harley.

And here's the thing, Barry Allen thinks booster killed everyone. Ya telling me he chose to believe Harley Quinn a known dangerous criminal over booster gold?? Booster gold isn't even a anti hero. he doesn't kill. Plus someone pointed out to me Booster probably experienced all this after he watched a version of batman kill himself in front of Booster. Which explains Booster talking about how he sees the blood on his visor despite nothing being there.

Barbara helps Harley and takes down blue beetle (whose helping booster) like even she chose the psycho Harley to protect over booster??

what they smoking!

Now if you take actual culprit. it was wally. Now the story shows a pretty okish segment of wally's downward spiral to a mental breakdown. Except it still was more tell than show. And the plot made no sense.

Wally had a mental breakdown because he believed everyone at sanctuary was faking their mental illness to make him feel better. That he alone was the crazy one. So he "hacked" the system in place and found recordings for everyone's sessions and lost control of his powers accidentally killing everyone.

Ok I can believe he accidentally killed everyone. He was insane and not in the right mind.

but then the writers make him make a plan to frame Harley and booster so he can have time to release all the footage he found as a way to do good for the world what??? people anonymous confidential therapy sessions to louis lane as a way to do good in exchange for his murders and framing others. He also time traveled to kill himself and get a body??

Wally has a segment where everyone tells him he's hope or something. Plus him reliving his Titan days. Him using the stupid mask. But I can't make a sense of it. Because mentally ill people are more likely to hurt themselves than others. The comic perpetuates harmful stereotypes even if Wally killed by accident.

worst part is the writer make it a good thing showing bunch of cameo characters who came to therapy because they realized they weren't alone due to the released recordings???

so Wally was insane enough to lose control and kill and yet still manage to make a supervillain ass plan to frame and kill himself. the story's point is lost in this nonsense.

Plus Clark didn't tell Bruce or Diana about louis having the recordings and only told them after releasing them to the public. What happened to patient confidentiality??? Do superheroes not have rights? Clark went on a spiel about being a reporter- So being a reporter means stomping other peoples rights and outing their private info. The time travel nonsense didn't make sense even with my drawn diagrams to make sense of it. So I'm just left confused. The conclusion is this vague shit where its ok to get help and hope something.

third thing the premise: The premise is mental health institute yet, the writer shown they know nothing about mental health Sanctuary isn't run by people. its run by an AI. The place has chambers where heroes can go in and make anything they want. Any scenario. Now imagine mentally ill people with no guidance and just using the chambers for whatever they want. Wally was using it to relive his dead family in fantasy lala land. Lagoon boy was reliving his ptsd again and again and again Gnarrk was the only one who it helped and that's because he wasn't mentally ill in the way wally or lagoon were. He was just lost and used it as a guidance because he already knew his own issues. Yet dc tries to frame the chambers as a helpful thing and heroes are getting better You cant expect me to believe that after watching wally ignore the AI's questions and pretend has back with his family in a fantasy. The comic is an insult to mental health.

Again, we don't know why 90% of the heroes are at sanctuary. They are just killed off after one appearance. Plus, Jason canonically never went to therapy. Roy was killed off for shock factor. Green lantern apparently doesn't know what "WILL" is... Harley Quinn's word is taken more than Boosters-

I have so many more things I could say but if I have to list everything wrong in this comic this review would be longer than my future. I DO NOT recommend this comic. It's trash and save your sanity. Not even the retcon of this comic salvaged it. Over all, The only good thing in this was Harley and booster interactions because it was funny. That's it.

[umenoyume]

Meet Me in the Pale Moonlight

✧Read on Ao3!!!

chapter one ✧ word count. 3.1k

✦“Are you scared?”

A grasp is felt on your jaw, forcing you to look at him. A cigarette now litters the already messy floor. His eyes feel like they are almost swallowing you."

Since birth Nikolai was cursed to be able to see the fabled red string of fate, everyday in his life he has the dreaded constant reminder of his wish for freedom. On a snowy night in Saints Petersburg, a drunken girl tumbles on onto Nikolai, he falls in love for the drunk girl who's destiny doesn't cross his. With his heart beating he knows that this will be his only chance for freedom, and one way or another he'll set you free too. Even if you don't want to be.

cw：fem reader, abusive/neglectful household, implied stalking, dead dove, mentions of feature "fixing", nikolai being nikolai, minors/ageless/ blank blogs dni

You wake up, the droning sound of the television playing at too loud a volume doesn’t bother you, after all you���re used to it. You do your morning routine mindlessly. You sit down near the shoe rack by the entrance, you pull out a simple pair of sneakers and put them on. A loud shout is heard through your home, you don’t bother to listen to the word spoken instead you instinctively cover your ears in an attempt to deafen the noise. It’s your father, he comes striding to you with a crease in his brows. His gaze moves down to you, you tense up. He clicks the roof of his mouth and walks past you without saying a word. You clutch your chest and let out a deep breath. He exits the home, with a pack of cigarettes and lighter in hand.

You silently mutter numbers to yourself as you count up the customer's change. You place the coins on the change tray and give a quick bow with the typical customer service smile. “And here’s your change–have a nice day!” As the customer leaves you briefly take a glance at the clock on the wall of the convenience store, it’s almost twelve in the morning. This is your second job and your shift is just about to end. The feeling of dread instantly sets in.

I don’t want to go back home.

The once quiet background noise of the clock ticking away has now become a horrid reminder of your homelife. Sweat begins to dampen your forehead. The closest thing you have to refuge is work, though that isn’t all joyous either, it's still better than what you have to deal with in your residence. You stay at work as long as you possibly could until you see your coworker ready to replace your position. You let out a deep sad sigh as you leave the establishment.

You walk into an alleyway near the apartment complex which currently houses you and your father. The alley wall is covered in all types of grime, dirt, and graffiti. All of the writing on the walls are just mindless scribbles, all but one unfinished drawing of half of a pairing of wings. You lean your back against the dirty wall, despite the filth, it’s more calming than being home. You’ll just say you had to work overtime if your father is still awake when you get back. You pull your cell phone out of your pocket and begin to mindlessly scroll. A faint sound is heard in the distance. Your ears perk, the lids of your eyes begin to rise slowly, a foreign coldness runs over your skin. As time passes the noise becomes more recognizable–it’s a person and they're getting closer. All your body could do was stare at the now blank phone screen, as it automatically shut off after sometime of inactivity. Your palms begin to get clammy. All you can see is the vague reflection of your face in the cracks of your broken phone screen.

“You got a light?”

A deep voice is reverberated into your ears. You jump back, your heart almost leaping out of your chest. You take a moment to calm yourself down.

It’s just a person.

You give a curt nod–you always carried a lighter for your father–despite being wary, you hand the disposable lighter to the person next to you. While handing the object to them, you get a better look at their facial features. A long scar goes across his left eye vertically, though what was more interesting was his heterochromia. His left eye is a dulled grayish blue while his right is green. His hair is a platinum blonde white, though it appears initially short, a longer section is tied into a braid that lays on his right shoulder. He lights a cigarette, covering the flame with his hand as he does so. He blows the nicotine laced smoke away from you before speaking. “You out of cigs?”

You shake your head, “No, I don’t smoke.”

He looks at you with a raised brow, his tone confused, “What’s with the lighter then?” He asks with his lips quirked upwards.

You slip your phone in your pocket so you can converse with him. “I’m not obligated to answer, am I?”

He stares at you, his eyes wide and unblinking as if he were taken aback. He lets out a dry laugh. “No… no, I guess you’re not.” The man places the cigarette between his lips. “Well, will you tell me why you're in this dingy alleyway then? This usually isn’t the typical hangout place for most.”

“I didn’t want to go home.” You speak simply, your answer is vague but it’s most likely enough to satiate the man. You repeat his question, “So why are you in this gloomy alley?” A hint of playful mocking is heard in your voice as you accentuated the word ‘you’.

“Cause’ I’m a serial killer Darlin’.”

He speaks with an unsettling amount of bluntness, his face is uncomfortably unreadable. You swallow your saliva nervously, his gaze feels like it pierces your eyes. His lips start to curl upwards, your heart beat increasing as follows. You begin to realize how much the man towers over you–he’s six foot tall at least. His build was large, in the sense that he was strong.

He slaps you on the back. “I’m kidding…!” He chortles, though a likely harmless joke, it leaves a hint of uneasiness in your system. He moves his hand to your head to ruffle your hair, seemingly in an attempt to calm your nerves. You flinch but you don’t protest, your face warms up, unconsciously you lean into his touch. “You’re cute you know? Like a little dove in a cage.”

He retracts his hand, your expression tries the hardest to convey discomfort but your face is nothing but a red blushing mess. An uncomfortable sense of yearning is gained in your mind from his actions and words.

What in the world is wrong with you?

You try to brush the feeling aside, you feel somewhat pathetic for your reaction. “…What do you mean?” The words spoken sound uncharacteristically meeker than your usual voice.

Faint, quickly fading sparks trickle down onto the ground as he tips the ashes off the end of his cigarette, “I envy birds, they aren't weighed down by anything. They live their lives blissfully, being able to fly to wherever their little heart’s desire.” His gaze falters down to the slightly damp alleyway floor. “But no matter how much a caged bird spreads its wings, no matter how much it believes it’s free, the only choice is to follow in servitude.”

“That’s quite the idea you got there…!” You state, your voice cracking at the end. You tuck your hair behind your ear, showing a hint of nervousness. It’s not like he’s wrong–you never had much agency in your life–you knew that, but it’s weird that a complete stranger is able to deduce that within less than half an hour of meeting you. Perhaps he’s just observant? You clear your throat, “But I guess I can somewhat see where you’re coming from…?” He doesn’t respond, instead he stares into you. He smokes silently, his gaze is focused on your eyes, reminiscent of the way one would gaze through the glass of a snow globe. It feels like he’s trying to see beneath your skin in a way, to see what your mind speaks. You try to avert your eyes from meeting him.

“Hey,”

He calls your name, his voice is raspy as it almost demands your attention.

“Are you scared?”

A grasp is felt on your jaw, forcing you to look at him. A cigarette now litters the already messy floor. His eyes feel like they are almost swallowing you. A familiar fear, panic rushes through your veins. You grit your teeth with your lips trembling, suppressing your urge to scream, in fear it would somehow anger him. If you had ears like a rabbit, then they would be pinned flat back.

He lets go of you, he puts his hands in the air as if to show innocence. He laughs for a short moment before looking directly at you, gauging your reaction. He pouts in a childish manner when he notices your expression and whines, “Don’t look at me like that, I'm kidding–!”

What a cruel sense of humor. You can’t believe you were briefly flustered by the same man just a few seconds earlier. You can’t help but think he gets at least some amount of sadistic joy out of his acts. You purse your lips and furrow your brows. “That’s not funny—!” You pause your sentence, a chill runs down your spine,

“How do you know my name…?”

He tenses up, his eyes widening for a moment before dulling. An odd glint of sadness is briefly seen in him but it quickly disappears. He quickly points at your chest.

You gaze down to look at your attire. Your mouth forms in the shape of an ‘O’. Sticking out like a sore thumb, a name tag with your name written on it lays pinned to your work apron. “Oh, forgot I still have my work uniform on.” You speak, the shakiness clearly showing that you don’t fully believe him. He’s getting more and more frightening with each second that passes. Every little word that escapes through his lips sets more alarm bells in your mind telling you he’s dangerous. You pull your phone out of your pocket to check the time, it’s 1 in the morning. If you don’t get home now you won’t be able to make it work on time. “Sorry, I gotta go.” You speak as coolly as you possibly could, secretly glad that you have to leave.

For once in your life, you ran home. You never wanted to be home more than you did now, though the want dissipates once you finally make it inside the building. You tiptoe through your own home’s hallways to not be noticed by your father. Thankfully you make it to your room without incident. You flop onto your bed, the springy mattress causes you to bounce slightly. Your breathing is ragged, your forehead is damp with a coat of sweat. You feel oddly safe, a sense of comfort in your own home was rare. It must be because of him, that man in the alley. You're still a bit shaken up by the encounter. You know that he said he knew your name from your stupid name tag and yet you can’t believe him. Everything points to him being honest and yet you feel like he knows far more about you than you would ever know. Even meeting him in the alley seems oddly calculated. You shake your head, trying to snap yourself out of the thought. You rub your sleepy eyes. You’re just overthinking… you should really get some sleep. You yawn as your eyes start to flutter closed.

Just who was that guy?

____

To have true freedom is to be free of the feelings chaining one down one’s desires. Feeling of guilt, pity, fondness, and attachment are only obstacles to true joy. Attached his very own hands was a web, though others would prefer the terms thread or string more. No matter what red fiber connected the fingers it was all the same to him. For what was supposed to be an old myth was Nikolai’s reality. On everyone’s fifth digit was an invisible red thread tying two together, the two bound together are said to be destined to be with one another. ‘The red thread of fate’, how sickening.

A few years back, on a snowy night in Saints Petersburg, a person tumbled onto Nikolai.

He laid stunned in the cold snow that covered the streets. The snow’s frigidness slowly started to seep through the thick winter coat he was wearing. He glanced down to see you red faced, it was clear to anybody that you were drunk. Your hands clung onto his chest, akin to a way a cat would knead at a blanket. Your hair was frayed, your eyes half lidded. The side of your face was pressed up against him, your cheek was squished up on him, you were treating him like some type of pillow. You looked utterly helpless. A tug was felt in his heart–adorable

He grimaced as he caught himself in mid thought. What’s more important was helping you. He pushed you off of him and got back on his feet. Seeing that you didn’t follow he let out a deep sigh. He kneeled down, swung your arm over his shoulders, and helped you up. He took you to a nearby bench. He sat beside you and spoke in a concerned tone, “Are you ok…?”

“Never been better…!” You hic, “Hey, you… you should get me another drink Mister…”

His mixed matched eyes stared at you dumbfounded, your speech was severely slurred, you're definitely too drunk to be walking out in the streets. He ruffled his own hair, he let out a deep slightly annoyed grumble. “You live around here? I’ll get ya’ a taxi if you don’t.”

You lazily gazed at him, you mind failed to comprehend what he said for a few seconds, which felt like an eternity to him. You seemingly pointed in the direction of your residence. As you pointed, Nikolai curiously glanced at the red thread attached to your pinkie finger. It leads in the direction opposite to him. Like usual, he no longer paid any more mind to the red thread. It’s not like the other people around him were able to see it anyways. “Just ‘round the block…” You managed to speak, You started to stare off into space a bit. “I-i think?” You purse your lips and your brows furrowed.

How utterly hopeless…

He frowned, “Just tell me your address and I’ll take you home ‘kay?”

“No!” You whined, elongating the ‘o’ sound. ”I’m not going home with a stranger!”

He mocked, “Looks like someone knows stranger danger…”

You confidently puffed out your chest, “Yep! My mom taught me that!”

Nikolai prompted his elbow on his knee, he rested his head against his hand. He inhaled, amused. He talked with a dash of sarcasm, “Woah, your mother must’ve been real smart huh?”

You chirped, “Yep!” You stared at him, akin to the way a bird would gawk at whatever made a sound nearby.

“Are you an idiot?” He asked rhetorically. Your brow furrowed, you pouted. The drunken red of your face made you look disreputable.

He gulped deeply, “Sorry, never mind that…” HIs gaze was averted, he buried the bottom half of his face into his palm. He cleared his throat. He straightened out his posture, sitting up straight. He nudged your forehead with his pointer finger. “What’s important is that you're too drunk to be out!”

You spoke lazily, “Nuh uh…”

You wagged your finger at him. He couldn’t help but laugh, “Are you kidding me–!” He nudged your forehead once more, this time harshly. “Your drunk ass toppled over some stranger!” He jeered at you, though not in a rude manner. You rubbed your forehead in an attempt to soothe the pain as he snickered at you. His demeanor quickly changed into a more serious one, “You’re going home and that’s final.”

Your eyes averted from his, your mouth remained closed shut. Your body language felt nervous. You shook your head, your hair swayed as you did so.

“…I don’t wanna go home.”

He grew silent, a part of him wanted to ask why, but he knew it was better to say nothing. He could already infer what you were trying to imply. He just sat by you and listened to your words.

“It… it’s horrible there,” Your drunkenness spewed on uneasy amounts of honesty. “I live with my father, he’s the only living family I have. But the thing is, he's a nightmare. He yells my ear off, beats me when I don’t get his beers in time, and steals more than half of my salary.” You rolled your eyes, “Whatever…! He’s just a stereotypically stupid deadbeat dad!” You crossed your arms and your lips curled downwards. It’s clear that you wanted to say more, but you forced your own mouth shut. You sulked for a while before your face softened into a more sad one. Your body moved closer to his, your hand was unconsciously placed on his lap. Your face leaned in close to his, your eyes were big like a sad puppy. “So, please don’t make me go home–” The hand on his thigh trailed up to his bicep. Both of your arms wrapped around him, your face pressed up against his shoulder. “P-please, don’t Mister…”

He spoke stiffly, “I won’t.”

Let go, let go, let go–

He could’ve easily pulled your weak grasp off, yet he couldn’t bear too. His chest felt heavy, chaining webs shackled him. You pulled away from him, the warmth from your grasp still lingered. He felt a stinging feeling in his chest. How pitiful of him, just one sob story and he was already filled with pity, no. Attachment. He pursed his lips, no this isn’t something as silly as attachment, just a simple attraction to your physical appearance is all. Speaking of your appearance, your face was bright. A wide almost child-like smile was spread across your lips, your eyes shone with a mix of awe and hope. You grabbed both of his hands and clasped them together between your own. Your hands were ice cold from the lack of gloves, but his cheeks were producing all the heat he needed.

“Thank you so much!” Your tone was sweet, a sweetness that he wouldn’t have felt if you were sober. He knew that this friendliness was nothing more than a drunken reaction but he couldn’t help but be enthralled by your warmth. Nikolai has known attraction, and yet when his heart beats for you, it’s different.

He gave a second glance to something he thought he would never look at more than once. Just as he saw before no thread of his was attached to your fate. The fact that you weren’t connected to him started to bother him. How pitiful of him, just one sob story and he was already filled with pity, no. Attachment. A queasy feeling filled his mind at a realization–if you were bound to him he wouldn't mind being stripped of freedom. His mind tried to calm.

I am free, I wouldn’t be feeling this way if I weren’t.

Right, the separateness of the two of you only proved to him that he was free. If anything you were in a cage, a cage set in since birth, not him.

He’ll just set you free, free like him.

[unknownogre]

( I got a little inspired from Facebook...and was just able to sit down today to write it. I approached it not exactly from the prompt's direction too but that is the scene that popped in my head.)

“Well…I have to ask, am I dead?”

Moments ago I was just sitting at my desk sipping a cup of coffee playing a lovely game of slaughter the Nazi when I found myself suddenly not there. Still had my coffee in had though, Deadpool pajama pants for the whole damn world to see no shoes and, I’m sorry to those that had to see me, no shirt. Someone was standing in front of me too, lithe build with a very baggy hoodie and baggy pants on wearing some kind of sneaker and a face that was obscured by shadows that were impossibly dark for the time of day and location.

“No, finish your coffee and let’s go.”

Fuck…people were walking around us like they didn’t notice me or them. The voice of the person was androgynous and a touch echoey. I knew one thing in this moment, without introduction and without me even having to ask the question, in my bones I knew this was Death. THE Death the primordial force that will exist until the end of the universe.  So weird, I wonder if they developed that power just to make it easier.

“Alright, fuck it. Not like I have a choice do I…?”

I already hate this. I’ve got body issues, most fat guys do no matter the praise they get. Fuck, I hope I don’t have to fight anything. I have no idea how I’ll do. I don’t fight, no one wants to fight me so I’ve never had to.

“No you don’t have to fight. Maybe, I’m not sure. People handle the situation differently. I’m just Death, I don’t know the future or the past. Think there is a time you’re supposed to die? Absolutely not. Chaos my friend. Complete Chaos.”

That…honestly that made me feel a lot better about a lot of things. Though to delve into that right now would completely pull my focus away from whatever this is.

“Why me?”

I had to ask as we walked another block. If Death was powerful enough to just pull me out of my living room I figured we could at least get closer, though…my feet don’t hurt even though they are bare so that is good at least.

“In a two-thousand-mile radius of my current problem your soul was the only one that matched what I needed…what ever that is. I don’t know have exact details. I just know when I problem arises and I need help I concentrate and the one who is best able to help just appears to me like a blip on a radar.”

Well…it is nice to be needed right. I mean I doubt that is the case, I’m not that special. I’m just me. I took another sip of my coffee.

“What do I get out of this?”

I don’t work for free. I’m completely convinced when given any modicum of power I’d go full on super villain. I know at my core I’m evil, just the kind of evil that still wants to protect those that love and cherish. Touch my wife and I’ll burn the whole damn world down, same for my kid. So again, I wonder why I was the blip.

“A favor.”

That was all Death needed to say. I get a favor from Death, I mean I bet there are rules and what not attached to it, but who wouldn’t want a favor from Death. That was enough for me.

“And lunch. A favor and lunch and you have yourself a deal.”

Death stopped and turned around to look at me, I could feel the weight of their gaze too but I just stood there and stared at where I thought their eyes would be crossing my arms across my chest with a smirk…Never take fully what is offered. Ask for just a little more.

“You got it. Cause I know what you want…hell I want it too. A favor and lunch.”

That was good enough for me. Almost made me forget I was shirtless and barefoot in a large city. We approached a hospital and headed right in. We passed the nurses station, and I was able to grab a scrub top much to their confusion. I felt better with a shirt on at least. We went up to the morgue…and there…holy crap.

It was some kind of creature, twisted with pitch flesh and blood ooze from various places, like self-inflicted wounds. It was just roaring and trying to smash through things it couldn’t fully interact with. There were some forms in the corner cowering in fear…ghosts? I don’t have time to question everything.

“Calm them down.”

…wait…what?!..

It was just a roaring beast that was at least six feet tall. I think it was meant to be bi-pedal but it was only that way sometimes. Like how some movies show werewolves, like they can walk a few steps until they want to run and then it is down on all fours.

“Well…fuck. Okay. Hey.”

I started waving slightly. The creature made a swipe for me but It was slow I was able to step back to avoid it. The ‘mission’ was to calm them down. Calm, not hurt, not subdue but calm.

“HEY!”

I said again, but this time with the power of dad voice. I didn’t like using it much, unless we were outside and my kid was about to run into a parking lot or something just as dangerous. I have NO information to go off of. Death wasn’t a planner were they? The creature’s attention was fully on me now. Good, that is what I needed…not what I wanted though. I knew I wasn’t dead now because my heart was hammering in my chest.

“Knock it the fuck off okay. You are scaring the shit out of these other people. What the hell is going on anyway? I’m sure being dead sucks but this…this can’t be good for you, can it?”

The creature seemed to understand my words if only for a moment before it roared at me. Its mouth…chilling. Elongated like a wolf but the teeth…they were human. I could make money on this if I could get into practical effects and recreate the look.

What to do. I had to use a chair to keep it back and out of swiping range. I don’t think I can actually die here…but maybe no risk no reward.

“This can’t kill you, but if it manages to hurt you too bad I am SOL and will have to destroy it completely. I don’t want to do that so I brought you.”

So it was a soul, something twisted and probably not evil. Otherwise there would be no sympathy. I need more compassion. The  creatures attention was still on me and all those cowering in the corner were watching with rapt attention. There is a lot of rage here, so much anger, and where there is anger there is sadness. Okay…okay…got it.

“Hey, we are just gonna talk alright. I won’t yell anymore. Just calm, just calm and cool. Listen I can’t help you right now. Not with all this rage and aggression. Trust me. I want to help you. I get nothing out of the situation if you are harmed. What happened? Why are you so angry?”

It took another swipe at me. Fuck…this thing is strong, almost knocked the chair out of my hands. It was hurt, even it was just by itself. When I met its gaze I could see such sadness. Rage and sadness. I got you.

“Hey. Listen, I am here for you, okay? I am here for you. Not Death, not these people in the corner, you and just you. Fuck any reward…fuck anything else okay. Just me and you here. I am your friend. No one touches you unless they step over my literal dead body, which isn’t even HERE so they are screwed trying to find it. You don’t deserve this, what ever this is. So talk to me. Let me help you, that is all I want right now.”

That caused the creature to pause and look at me. Tears welling up in its eyes. I see why I was called. Most people wouldn’t look in its eyes, they couldn’t see the pain there. They’d see the twisted muscle, the claws…they’d be hostile. Monsters were fantasy for me until I was brought here.

“I…they…momma…MOMMA!”

It cried and looked around panicked. This is a child. THIS IS A CHILD! Thank gods I didn’t hit it, and now I know why the dad voice caused it to pause. I wonder if these souls were trying to help before or where they just trying to leave after they died? Hard to say.

“Hey kid…calm down. Shhhh I got you okay. You want to see your Mom once more. We got you okay. Did they take you and here away at the same time?”

The kid seemed calmer now, just tears streaming from its eyes. They nodded and seemed to wrap their twisted arms around themselves, rocking a little bit. Certainly a kid. I sighed for a moment.

“Would you like a hug? I can give you a hug if you’d allow. Sometimes its nice to just get grounded. I’m a dad, so I can only imagine how it is being separated from your mom. I give the best hugs too, I’m like a teddy bear.”

That is why my daughter said when she was younger anyway. Daddy bear hugs. The child looked to me hesitantly and then nodded slowly. I got up from the chair and I moved slowly. I had no weapons, I’m a big dude but people say they aren’t scared of me. I like to think I’m not scary normally anyway. When I got close enough I just wrapped my arms around them. Sure some of their spikes went into my skin, hurt like a bitch too, the blood smelled terrible as well…still though. Sometimes a hug is what the doctor called for. The kid just started to cry. Its massive head put on my shoulder and nestled into the crook of my neck like my daughter did plenty of times when she was little. I felt they shift, the sound of…gods I don’t know, snapping bone and such was heard all around. I just closed my eyes and held the kid for as long as they squeezed me back.

Soon, I was holding a five year old boy who was finally calming down from all the crying. The holes from the wounds and claws were still there on my body but he looked alright. Oddly I wasn’t bleeding…wonder if that was Death’s doing? Or do I not bleed if I’m not solid? Too many questions I’ll leave for another day.

“Can you take us to his mom?”

Death just nodded as I held the kid in my arms. We left the morgue and went to a hospital room where the kids mother was. She was alive, but badly hurt. Apparently there was a car accident, they got hit by a drunk driver. The kid was dead just after arriving. Freaked out when he couldn’t find his mom. I held him for a while.

“Momma will be okay?”

He asked me and I looked to Death who nodded with a touch of a shrug. I know, chaos on all that stuff, suddenly I was a little less reassured.

“She’ll be okay little one. Best thing you can do is let Death take you to the next world, be as happy as you can. Your mom will cross over eventually, and then you two can play. Just be happy and play as much as you can in the meantime okay?”

The little boy nodded and I set him down, he walked to his mom and gave her a kiss on the cheek before turning to go hold hands with Death. Sudden I was back in front of my desk…wearing the scrubs top my coffee cup filled to my liking.

“Get dressed. Lunch is gonna be in an hour.”

I heard Death’s voice in my mind. I could only grinned. I was about to get my favorite sandwich on the planet, that alone was worth it. Still, I would have done it for free if there was nothing Death could give me. That kid needed the guidance. I wonder how many have crossed over and looked to reunite with someone but couldn’t due to held back rage and depression. That…that breaks my heart.

“Also thank you. You were certainly the best pick.”

I smiled at that, again…feeling useful was nice. Well time to get dressed, I wonder how Death will get me half-way across the country to that sandwich place? I don’t care…number 15 here I come.

[onechicagolife]

ABSENTIA | JAY HALSTEAD

Detective Jay Halstead is a senior member of the Intelligence Unit, where he is partnered with Detective Hailey Upton after his former partner went missing undercover. While he never wanted to give up hope, the CPD assumed her dead and he was resigned to accept it. Now, two years later, Jay gets a sudden phone call with news that changes his life forever. Avery Clarke is alive. want to be tagged? link in bio <3

Chapter 15

Jay rounds the corner to his apartment, exhaustion weighing down his movements as he drags a hand down his face. The last few nights have blurred together—hours spent in his truck with Avery, watching and waiting. They haven’t seen Nikolai again since that first night, which he’s not sure is a good or bad thing. Bad for their investigation, yes. But he couldn’t deny Avery’s reaction when she saw him for the first time. The way she completely froze, her shoulders tensing and her breaths quickening.

The cruelest part was that when Jay asked about it, she refused to tell him anything. And that every time he looks at her, he still feels everything. Being with her feels overwhelmingly familiar, too much like how it used to be. Because she sits back in the seat with her feet thrown up, she steals his coffee without thinking. She pushes his buttons, challenges him in the best and worst ways.

He knows he shouldn’t be spending so much time with her. He tells himself that he has to, even though he knows it’s not fair to Hailey. Knows it’s wrong that every night, as he sits in the freezing car with Avery, he doesn’t want to leave. That despite the anger, the confusion, the betrayal—he feels more like himself than he has in a long time.

Pulling his keys from his pocket, Jay lifts his head and his stomach drops. Hailey is leaning against the wall outside his door, arms crossed tightly over her chest. Her ponytail sways slightly as she straightens at the sight of him, and the look on her face—anger barely concealing hurt—makes his breath hitch. Dinner.

He exhales sharply, quickening his steps as guilt settles heavy in his chest, “Shit, Hailey, I’m sorry.”

Her expression doesn’t change. “I called you,” Hailey says flatly.

His fingers tighten around his keys, “My phone died.” Lie. He turned it off.

She scoffs, shaking her head as she pushes off the wall. He sees the way her eyes glisten under the dim hallway light, the way her jaw tenses as she turns to leave. Panic flares in his chest. “Wait.” He reaches out, catching her wrist gently, just enough to stop her, “Just… come inside. Please.”

Hailey hesitates. For a second, he thinks she’s going to walk away. Maybe she should. Maybe he should let her.

Reluctantly, her feet stay rooted in place as he unlocks the door and opens it. He stands in the doorway, waiting for her with hopeful eyes. After a few moments, and against her better judgement, she steps inside.

Jay closes the door behind them, lingering for a second before he turns to face her. He barely gets his jacket off before she whirls on him.

“Where have you been?”

His shoulders sag. He should have known she’d cut right to it. “I’m sorry I forgot about dinner,” he says weakly, knowing full well that it isn’t good enough.

“That’s not an answer,” her voice rises slightly, frustration bubbling beneath the surface. “You’ve been blowing me off all week. You disappear after work, you don’t answer my calls or texts. You come in every morning looking like you haven’t slept. What the hell is going on with you?”

Jay rubs a hand over his face, already exhausted by this conversation. “I’m—”

“Don’t say you’re sorry,” she cuts him off harshly. “And don’t say you’ve been with Voight.” Hailey takes a deep breath, her anger cracking just slightly under something more vulnerable. Her voice is quieter as she forces out the next words, “Just tell me if you were with Avery.”

He hesitates. It’s only for a second, but it’s enough to make her eyes harden. “It’s not what you think,” Jay says quickly, trying to reassure her that he would never.

She crosses her arms tighter, her nails digging into her skin. She didn’t think he was cheating, not really. She knows him well enough to know that. “Then what is it?”

His jaw clenches. He doesn’t know what to say. He knows she deserves to hear the truth, but he can’t bring himself to say it. “Hailey,” he swallows, “I can’t.”

“That’s bullshit,” she snaps, her voice rising again. “You don’t get to pull the ‘I can’t talk about it’ card with me. I’m your partner, Jay. I’m your girlfriend. You’re shutting me out, and I deserve to know why.”

His mind races, eyes desperately searching her face for some—any—hint of understanding. “I can’t tell you,” Jay settles on with a helpless half-shrug. “You just have to trust me.”

“Trust you?” Hailey laughs—a bitter, broken sound—and narrows her eyes. “Do you even hear yourself?” When he doesn’t say anything, it only takes a few moments before realization washes over her. She lets out a disbelieving breath, “You’ve been helping her investigate Volkov.”

The way Jay tightens his jaw and clenches his hands into fists at his sides is confirmation enough.

“Jesus, Jay,” she shakes her head with a scoff. Hailey starts pacing, running both hands over her hair. “Do you even realize what you’re doing? You’re putting your career—your life—on the line.”

“I’m not putting my life on the line,” he says defensively.

“You’re lying to me,” she yells at him. “You’re lying to Voight. You’re impeding a federal investigation. All for her.”

Jay flinches at her words, guilt and anger swirling in his chest. “It’s not that simple. She’s my—” he cuts himself off, the words dying in his throat. He swallows hard as the air between them thickens. They both know what he was about to say. She’s my partner.

Hailey stares at him, something breaking in her expression. She squares her shoulders, trying to hold herself together even as her voice wavers. “You know, I’ve tried to be supportive. I’ve tried to be understanding. But I’m not going to sit here while you lie to my face. I’m not going to sit here and pretend.”

He blinks, knowing that this conversation is going somewhere he doesn’t want, but he can’t stop it. “Pretend?”

She exhales shakily, bringing up a hand to quickly swipe away the tears she is so stubbornly trying to keep at bay. “You were shot,” her voice trembles slightly, but she forces it to steady. “You were laying there, and I was holding your hand. You said her name.” She closes her eyes as the memories wash over her. “I tried to convince myself that I heard it wrong. But I didn’t. And I know that you know I heard it. And you still haven’t explained why.”

The air seems to leave the room, and for a moment, Jay can’t bring himself to look at her. His mind flashes back to that moment. His throat tightens as he finally meets her gaze. “Because I couldn’t stop thinking about her,” he admits even as it kills him, his voice barely above a whisper. “I can’t stop thinking about her.”

The words hang heavy between them, and Hailey’s breath hitches. She blinks rapidly, trying to process what he just said. “So, what? You’re still in love with her?”

Jay inhales sharply at the question. He wants to tell her no. He wants to tell her he loves her, that she’s the one he wants. But he can’t. “I don’t know,” he says finally, his voice breaking. “But I know she needs me right now and I can’t…” I can’t leave her. I can’t say no to her. I can’t let her be alone again. “I have to help her.”

Hailey nods slowly, like she expected that answer but hoped she was wrong. “I love you, Jay,” she whispers, her face crumbling as fresh tears well in her eyes. “And I thought—” she stops herself, shaking her head as a tear slips down her cheek. She doesn’t bother wiping it away.

His chest tightens, heartbeat pounding loudly in his head, “Hailey, I care about y—”

“Don’t,” she cuts him off, stepping back. “You can’t have both.”

The words cut deep. Jay opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He doesn’t want to hurt her. He never wanted to hurt her. But he can’t lie anymore. To himself, maybe. But not to her.

Her lips tighten into a thin line as she tilts her head, nodding slowly. “I’m done.”

He doesn’t stop her as she turns and walks toward the door, her footsteps echoing in the quiet apartment. He can’t bring himself to, no matter how much he wishes he could. When the door clicks shut behind her, the sound feels final as it echoes throughout the apartment.

Jay sinks onto the couch, elbows braced on his knees as his head falling into his hands. He knows Hailey had every right to walk away. He can’t even blame her. And he’s left wondering how the hell he got here.

After hesitating for just a moment, Jay walked towards Voight’s office. He stopped in the open doorway, eyes bouncing between his sergeant and the other man in the room. His hands clenched so tightly where they hung at his sides that his knuckles ached. He had been called in without much explanation—just a simple order to come in from Voight. The urgency in his voice made his stomach churn with unease. And now, seeing Chief Lugo standing beside the desk Voight sat behind made his pulse quicken unnaturally.

“Jay,” Voight started gruffly. His expression was unreadable, but there was something in his eyes—something dark, something resigned. “Take a seat.”

“I’m good.” His bosses exchanged a wary glance. Jay narrowed his eyes, “What’s going on?”

Voight didn’t speak at first, just cast another look towards the chief before sighing heavily. He opened a manila folder in front of him and pushed it forward on the desk.

Jay took a step and a half forward. Inside was a single, grainy photograph that made his stomach twist violently. It was a surveillance shot—a woman being dragged into a warehouse by two armed men. The image was blurry, the lighting terrible, but the height, the build, the hair—it was all too familiar. “Where did this come from?” he demanded.

Lugo spoke this time, his voice even, measured. “The FBI received this from one of their sources inside the Volkov organization. The timestamp places it three months ago.”

His breath stilled. Three months ago. Avery had already been missing for six. That meant she wasn’t killed on the spot like everyone else feared—she was taken alive. She was out there. Jay forced himself to focus, pulling himself away from the memories of that day. That day when he was too late. “So, what the hell are we doing sitting here? We finally have a lead, we go after it—”

Lugo held up a hand, stopping him cold. “The intel didn’t stop there.”

His heart pounded as Lugo flipped to the next page in the folder.

Unidentified female remains recovered from a Volkov warehouse overseas. Burned beyond recognition. No DNA match found.

Jay shook his head, immediately rejecting it. “No. No, that’s not proof. That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Jay—” Voight started, his voice low.

“No.” He pushed the folder roughly across the desk, breathing hard as his chest tightened. “We’ve been through this before, and every single time, it’s led nowhere. You don’t have a body, you don’t have DNA, you don’t have—”

“The FBI is taking over the investigation into Volkov from Major Crimes. The brass agrees that the evidence is conclusive,” Lugo interrupted, his voice final. “Detective Clarke was likely killed while undercover. The case is being closed.”

The word rang in his ear, and his entire world stopped spinning. Closed. No. No.

He turned to Voight, his eyes pleading. “We don’t… we can’t just stop,” his voice cracked, barely managing to get the words out.

Voight held his gaze for a long moment, and that was when Jay knew. The fight had already been lost. The lines on Voight’s face looked deeper, heavier, and for the first time since Avery disappeared, there was defeat in his eyes. Even after Justin, he still hung onto the hope that his other child was still alive. But that hope was gone.

“It’s over,” Voight said quietly.

No. His breath came in short, shallow bursts, his hands trembling at his sides. Jay shook his head, refusing to accept it. “No. No, you don’t get to decide that. You don’t get to just—just declare her dead without proof.” His voice broke, rage bleeding through the cracks.

“Detective—” Lugo started.

“No, fuck that!” Jay slammed his hands onto the desk, the sound echoing through the office. His entire body was shaking. “You don’t get to make this call! She’s out there, she’s waiting for us to find her, and we’re just—we’re just giving up?” His voice bordered on hysteria as he looked towards Voight in disbelief, “You’re just gonna let this happen? After everything—after Justin? You’re just going to let them give up on her?”

Voight’s breath hitched in his throat as he blinked, barely managing to hold himself together. He never allowed himself to break before, and he won’t do it now. He can’t. Chief Lugo’s jaw tightened as he cut in, “This isn’t giving up, Halstead. This is the reality.”

Jay let out a sharp, bitter laugh, taking a half-step back in a desperate need to distance himself before he lost control. Reality. The word felt like poison in his mouth. Nothing about this felt real. “You don’t know her,” he spat. “You don’t know Avery. She’s a fighter. She wouldn’t just let them—” he stopped himself, unable to say the words. Wouldn’t just let them kill her.

Chief Lugo sighed, straightening, “I understand the nature of your relationship to her. I know this is difficult to hear, but the department is making it official. Detective Clarke is being ruled as killed in the line of duty.”

His breath hitched and he swallowed down the bile rising in his throat. This was it. This was the end. The fight left him all at once. His shoulders sagged, his knees suddenly weak, and for a moment, he thought he might actually collapse. He turned to Voight, his last hope. His voice was wrecked, desperate, “Hank.”

Voight’s face was etched with something almost like guilt. When he finally spoke, it was low and final. “It’s time to let her go.”

Something inside Jay broke. A sound tore from his throat—a ragged, guttural noise of sheer devastation—and he turned sharply, storming out of the office. He didn’t see where he was going. Didn’t feel the burn in his throat, the pressure behind his eyes, the way his chest was imploding in on itself.

All he knew was that he had to get out. Had to breathe. Had to escape the words still ringing in his head, threatening to tear down his entire world.

How the hell is he supposed to let her go? The woman he loved. The only woman he ever loved. She was gone. She couldn’t be gone. Jay picked up speed before bursting through one of the stalls just in time to hunch over the toilet, knees hitting the tile with a painful, sickening crack. His body convulsed as he gripped the porcelain with white-knuckled hands, waves of nausea wracking through him. His stomach clenched painfully, but there was nothing left to bring up. His breath came in ragged gasps, each one sharper than the last. His head was spinning, his vision blurring, the fluorescent lights overhead too bright, too harsh.

He felt like he was suffocating. Drowning.

The stall walls felt like they were closing in, pressing down on him and squeezing the air from his lungs. His entire body trembled as he sat back on his heels, his arms bracing against the sides of the stall. The cold tile bit into his knees, grounding him in a reality he desperately wanted to reject.

Avery was dead.

Voight believed it.

Chief Lugo signed off on it.

Major Crimes, the FBI—they all believed it.

The weight of it crashed down on him again, harder, heavier. A low, guttural sound ripped from his chest, something between a sob and a scream, raw and uncontained.

Six months of searching. Of fighting. Of holding onto hope—thin, fragile, fleeting hope—only for it to be ripped away in an instant.

He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. He couldn’t breathe. Every inhale was a battle, every exhale a painful reminder that he was still here—and she wasn’t.

He could still hear her voice, so clear that it was as if she was sitting right beside him.

Well, it really is your lucky day, Halstead. Avery Clarke. Your new partner.

His throat closed up, another sob tearing through him. A thousand moments, a thousand memories flooded his mind, each one sharper, more painful than the last. He saw her everywhere. Heard her everywhere.

But she was gone.

A sudden burst of anger surged through him, cutting through the grief like a blade. His hands shook as he pushed himself up from the floor, his vision darkening at the edges from the force of his rage.

His fist flew before he could stop it. The bathroom mirror shattered on impact. Glass shards scattered across the counter, some embedding in his knuckles, but he barely felt the sting. His reflection was fractured, fragmented—just like him. He stared at it, his chest heaving, his pulse hammering in his ears as the blood dripped down his fingers, warm and sticky.

This wasn’t real.

This couldn’t be real. This couldn’t be real. This couldn’t be real.

The sky is still gray, the Chicago winter settling in thick and heavy as Jay pulls into the district parking lot. His truck rumbles to a stop, the engine ticking in protest as he cuts the ignition. He stays there for a moment, gripping the wheel with both hands, staring blankly at the brick wall in front of him.

He’s running on fumes. The sleepless nights, the weight of Hailey walking out, the relentless gnawing in his chest whenever he thinks about Avery—it’s all catching up to him. His body is sore, barely recovered, and his mind is wrecked. He doesn’t even want to think about what he is going to face when he walks in that building. And yet, somehow, the idea of stopping isn’t even an option.

Not when she still needs him.

With a heavy sigh, he grabs his gym bag from the passenger seat, shoving open the door and stepping into the biting cold. His breath clouds in front of him, but the crisp air does nothing to clear his head. He’s barely made it a few steps when he hears the familiar rumble of another engine pulling in. Jay glances up just as Voight’s black SUV rolls into a nearby spot. The older man climbs out, pulling his coat tighter against the wind, his sharp gaze landing on Jay instantly.

They both hesitate for a beat. A silent acknowledgment.

Jay sighs, adjusting the bag on his shoulder. He knows what’s coming.

“You look like hell,” Voight remarks, shutting his door with a solid thud.

He huffs out a humorless laugh, shaking his head. “Yeah, well… it’s been a rough few weeks.”

Voight studies him for a moment, his expression unreadable. Then, instead of making his way to the door, he jerks his chin toward the entrance on the other side of the lot. “Walk with me.”

He exhales through his nose, knowing there’s no getting out of this. Jay falls into step beside the older man, their boots crunching lightly against the frost-dusted pavement. The silence stretches, bordering on uncomfortable as the cold air wraps around them.

Jay knows Voight isn’t the kind of guy to push, but when he speaks, his voice is steady, carrying that same unshakable authority he always has. “She told me.”

He doesn’t react right away, treading carefully. He keeps his gaze forward, hands still shoved into his pockets, “About what?”

“About you helping her,” Voight nods slightly. “About the deposit box.”

His jaw tightens. He shouldn’t be surprised but knowing what that secret cost him, that he lied to Hailey, makes his stomach twist in anger. “She wasn’t supposed to—”

“Relax,” Voight cuts him off, his voice calm but firm. “I’m not going to stop you.”

Jay frowns, glancing over at him. “You’re not?”

Voight gives a small shrug, “If I wanted to stop you, I would’ve done it already.”

He scoffs, shaking his head, “Then what? You’re just gonna let me keep breaking all the rules for her?” Maybe he wants Voight to stop them. To force him to walk away. Because he knows he’ll never do it on his own.

Voight stops walking, turning to face him fully and stopping him with a hand on his chest. “I’m here to make sure you don’t lose yourself in this.” His gaze is steady, unwavering. “You’ve been through a lot lately.”

Jay swallows hard, looking away. He exhales sharply, his breaths visible in the cold air. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore, Voight.”

Voight nods, like he’s been expecting that, “I know.”

He lets out a bitter chuckle, running a hand over his face. “I mean, jesus. I thought she was dead. And it took a while, but I made peace with that. And now she’s back, and it’s like—” he stops himself, shaking his head as frustration boils over. “Like I don’t even know her anymore.”

 “She’s been through hell, Jay,” the older man says after a beat of silence, “You know that.”

“What about what I’ve been through? What she put me through?” Jay lets out a sharp exhale, staring at the pavement, trying to keep his emotions under control because it is too damn early for this. “I’m trying to be there for her,” he mutters. “But it’s not that simple.”

“No, it’s not,” he agrees. “But nothing worth a damn ever is.”

Jay stares at him, his eyes dark with something unreadable. “She lied to me.”

“I know.”

“She let me believe she was gone. She didn’t give me a choice. Didn’t give us a choice.”

“I know,” Voight repeats, his voice steady.

Jay shakes his head, “And now she’s asking me to risk everything to help her with this.”

But Voight doesn’t flinch, “She’s not asking you to do anything she wouldn’t do for you.”

“That’s not the point,” he snaps, his frustration finally breaking through. Even though he knows it’s true, knows they’ve already been here before. Derek Keyes, Lonnie Rodiger, Terry, Ellie… She backed his play without question, without a second thought, whenever he needed it. She jumped in feet first, and he didn’t even have to ask. He takes a step back, raking a hand through his hair. “I can’t forgive her for what she did, Voight.”

Voight studies him carefully, his next words measured. “You’re angry. And you should be. But that anger isn’t just about what she did.” He pauses, letting it sink in, “It’s about how much you still care about her in spite of it.”

The heavy truth in the statement is too much and Jay has to look away, clenching his jaw.

“I know what you went through when we lost her,” Voight takes a step towards him. “I saw what it did to you. And I know you’re still carrying that with you. If anyone understands, you know I do.” A haunted look flickers in his eyes, memories of Justin and Alvin threatening to swallow him whole.

Jay swallows hard—two years of emptiness, of staring at an empty grave that shouldn’t exist, of drinking himself into numbness just to get through the night. “She’s not the same,” he murmurs. His voice is quieter now, tinged with something almost vulnerable. “She’s… harder. Colder. She refuses to let me in. And I don’t know how to reach her.”

Voight exhales, nodding slowly. “I know she’s different. And so are you.” He holds his gaze, “But if anyone can get through to her, it’s you.”

Jay lets out a sharp breath, shaking his head, “Why?” Why does it have to be me?

Voight’s voice is unwavering, “Because she trusts you. Because you know her better than anyone.”

Jay stiffens. His throat tightens, his stomach twisting in protest. He wants to argue, wants to deny it. The words are on the tip of his tongue. Not anymore… But they don’t come out. Because maybe, just maybe, Voight isn’t wrong.

He looks down, his hands curling into fists in his pockets, “I don’t know if I can do this, Hank.”

“You can.” His voice is gentler, in that gruff, Voight way as he claps a hand on the younger man’s shoulder, his grip firm and reassuring, “And you will. Because she needs you. And whether you want to admit it or not… you need her too.”

He stands there, frozen, as the words sink in. Jay doesn’t know where he and Avery stand. Doesn’t know if there’s a way forward. But as he watches Voight walk inside the garage, his words echo in his head.

Because she needs you. And you need her too.

Jay exhales, his breath shaky. Then, finally, he heads inside.

The locker room is quiet, a stark contrast to the usual chaos of the district. Jay leans against the metal bench, head tilted back against the cool lockers as he lets out a slow, controlled breath. He should be at his desk. He should be doing something productive, catching up on paperwork. Instead, he’s here, hiding.

Avoiding.

It’s been like this for days. Ever since Hailey left his apartment, ever since their relationship officially crashed and burned. Every second between them is tense and awkward, leaving him wishing he was anywhere else. And when they aren’t forced to be interacting for work, he can feel her gaze watching him. Studying his every move, every interaction. And Avery? That’s been worse.

She hasn’t done anything wrong. No probing questions, no comments, no knowing looks. Nothing. She’s just there, in his space, existing like things are supposed to be normal when nothing is. And even though it shouldn’t, even though he should be more affected by the dooming of his relationship, that kills him more than anything.

Because of that, he’s been keeping his distance at work, making sure their conversations stay short. Professional. But it doesn’t matter. He can feel his partner’s eyes on him whenever Avery’s near, can see the tension ripple through her every time he and Avery so much as breathe in the same direction.

And now? The guilt is suffocating.

So he’s here, in the goddamn locker room, hiding like a coward.

The door creaks open, and he immediately straightens. He’s not sure who he expects, fearing it’ll be Hailey with another conversation he’s not ready for, fearing she’ll tell him that their partnership is over too. But instead, Adam strolls in, his expression casual but his movements deliberate.

“Got a minute?” Adam asks lightly, but there’s an edge behind it.

Jay narrows his eyes, already bracing himself for whatever’s coming. “Yeah.”

Adam doesn’t sit. He stands across from him, arms crossed, lips pressing into a thin line before cutting straight to it. “What’s going on with you and Avery?”

Shaking his head with an eye roll and a scoff, he stands and moves to root around inside his locker. “What are you talking about, man?”

“You drove her to work this morning,” the younger man says with an unimpressed eyebrow raised.

“She had a migraine last night and didn’t want to drive, so I gave her a ride home,” he lies without skipping a beat. The reality is that they left straight from work to spend the night in his truck, watching the warehouse for any sign of Nikolai Volkov, both of them pretending the distance between them wasn’t getting growing with every second of silence.

Adam eyes him, his protective side outweighing anything else. He can’t stand to see his best friend get hurt when she is just barely finding her footing. But he can see how much it’s killing her. He lets out a long sigh, “Look, I get it. I know it must’ve hurt when she wanted me to be her partner and asked for some space. I know you want to be friends. But if this is going to mess with her head—”

“Mess with her head?” Jay cuts him off, his voice rising slightly as he turns to face him. “I don’t need a lecture from you of all people.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asks, annoyed at whatever implication lingers in the air.

Jay tilts his head, gritting his teeth painfully. He wonders just how much he can push this, how far he can stretch the lie in order to get the truth. “She told me what happened between you two,” he says carefully, baiting.

Stiffening, his eyes flicker with surprise for a brief moment before he schools his expression. She said she wasn’t going to, but maybe she changed her mind once he decided to tell Kim, wanting a clean slate as they try to make their relationship work. Adam narrows his eyes, “She told you?”

“Yeah.” His jaw clenches, knowing by the reaction that he was right to suspect something happened between them. “So don’t sit here and act like you’re just her protective big brother.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Adam shakes his head defensively, his frustration mounting.

Jay crosses his arms tightly over his chest, “Then what was it like?”

“It was,” he hesitates, “complicated.”

He throws his head back, barking out a humorless laugh. “Complicated? Kim’s having your kid, and the best you can do is complicated?”

Temper flaring, Adam grits out, “It was one time. It was right after she came back, we were drinking—”

“That makes it better?” he shoots back with a step forward.

“Look,” his patience snaps, voice rising, “she needed someone. Someone who actually gave a damn about her when she was falling apart. Where the hell were you?”

The words nearly knock him off his feet, and Jay stops breathing for a moment. His hands curl into fists, because he can’t think about that. He can barely stomach the guilt he is already feeling. So instead, he focuses on the pure anger that threatens to overtake him at the image that flashes behind his eyes. “So, you—what? Decided to help her with your dick?”

Adam’s face darkens, his fists twitching at his sides. “Oh, fuck off, Halstead. You weren’t there. You didn’t see how broken she was seeing that you moved on.” His voice lowers, but the intensity remains. “So yeah, I was there for her. Not for some hookup. Not for whatever bullshit you think this is. But because I actually care about her. And maybe if you weren’t lying to yourself, wrapped up in your own guilt, you’d see that too.”

The jealousy, the frustration, the anger—it all collides, white-hot and uncontrollable as the words are like a match to gasoline. Jay doesn’t think. His fist collides with Adam’s jaw before he even realizes it. The impact reverberates through his arm, fingers flexing at the dull ache already forming.

Adam stumbles back, his hand flying to his face. His eyes blaze with fury as he whirls back around. “Bro, what the fuck is wrong with you?” he shouts, shoving the other man’s chest roughly.

“Hey!” Avery’s voice slices through the air, her footsteps echoing as she storms into the room. “What the hell is going on in here?”

Both men freeze, their heavy breathing filling the silence as Avery moves between them without hesitation, her eyes darting between their tense, furious faces. Her gaze locks on Jay, narrowing as she takes in the flush on his face and the way his fist is still clenched. “Did you punch him?” she demands sharply.

Jay doesn’t answer, his jaw tightening as he finally breaks away from Adam’s glare. But he can’t look at her, can’t see what he knows is in her waiting eyes.

Already knowing the answer, Avery scoffs before rounding on her partner. “And you—what did you say to him?”

Adam rubs his jaw, moving it back and forth gently. “Nothing he didn’t deserve.”

She groans in frustration, running a hand through her hair, fingers getting caught in the tangles. “Unbelievable. You two are supposed to be professionals, friends, and you’re in here fighting like children. Over what? Me?”

When Adam opens his mouth, she places a strong hand against his chest with a light shove that forces him a half-step back, and Jay tries to hide the fact that he notices. “I don’t need you to defend my honor,” she chastises, only turning away when he lowers his head sheepishly. Avery narrows her eyes at Jay, “What is your problem?”

Jay’s eyes finally snap to hers, his frustration and jealousy lingering below the surface. He grits his teeth, his pulse still pounding with the low hum of adrenaline. He knows this isn’t about Adam. Not really. It’s about… everything. The distance, reminding him that he doesn’t know her anymore. The nights spent in his truck, twisting him into thinking that no time has passed. The way she keeps looking at him like they didn’t leave each other in pieces. Like she didn’t leave him in pieces, shattered like that blood-smeared glass.

Clearing his throat, Adam’s voice is quieter now, more resigned. “I’m gonna go.” He throws Avery one last glance before turning and walking out, his footsteps heavy as the door clicks shut behind him.

Avery doesn’t take her eyes off Jay, her frustration crackling in the stale air. “I told you to stop making this about Adam,” she seethes. “You don’t get to pick fights with him just because you’re pissed at me.”

“You really think this is about Adam?” he asks, voice low and rough as he takes a step toward her. She folds her arms, but there’s something else in her eyes now. Wariness. Hurt. A challenge lingers, though, and Jay huffs out a bitter laugh when she just arches a brow, shaking his head before dragging a hand over his face. “You really don’t get it, do you?

“Then enlighten me,” she bites out quickly. She thought they were over this. That they were moving forward—or at least settling into something more tenable, an understanding that they could co-exist in.

He takes another step closer, the heat between them palpable, the space between them charged with everything they still haven’t said. “You come back from the dead, and you act like I’m the one who changed,” he grits out. “Like I’m the problem. You push me away, tell me we need distance, and then what? Drag me back in like this is some kind of game?”

She flinches, just barely, but it’s enough for him to see it. “You think I planned that?” Avery snaps, stepping toe to toe, pretending like she isn’t afraid. Not of him, no. But of them—the two of them, together. “You think I wanted to wake up in a hospital bed with two years of my life missing?”

His jaw clenches impossibly tight, the pain somehow grounding him. “Then why the hell have you spent every second since you came back acting like I’m the one who left you?” Her breath hitches audibly, but Jay doesn’t stop. He can’t. He’s done holding this in. “You chose Adam as your partner. You kept your distance. It took days for you to come see me when I almost died, and then you just walked out,” he spits out, his voice breaking. “And now you want to act like I’m the bad guy? When I’m still putting everything on the line to help you?”

Deafening silence stretches between them, heavy and suffocating. Her lips press into a tight line, her hands clenching at her sides. “You think this has been easy for me?” she finally whispers, her voice shaking. “I know what I did, the choices I made. But I didn’t choose to have my entire life ripped away from me.”

His chest tightens as tears well in her eyes, “Avery…”

“No, you don’t get to be the victim here,” she says, voice raw, stepping even closer until there’s barely a breath between them. “You didn’t have to wake up in a nightmare. You didn’t have to piece together a past you don’t even remember. You didn’t have to see the man you—” she stops herself, sucking in a shaky breath before continuing. “The man you thought was still yours, standing in the hallway, holding someone else’s hand.”

His throat goes dry at the realization. She saw him. She woke up confused and hurt. And instead of opening her eyes to him at her side, she saw him with Hailey.

“I woke up like it was one day,” Avery’s voice breaks.

His hands tremble at his sides as he swallows roughly, “Ave.”

Her face twists, her walls slamming back into place. “You want to be mad at me? Fine. But don’t you dare pretend like you’re the only one who got hurt.”

Jay looks away, his jaw tight as he forces himself to breathe. She’s right. Of course she’s right. But that doesn’t make it any easier to swallow.

“You should go,” she mutters, stepping back in desperate need of space. “Before we say something we can’t take back.”

But Jay doesn’t move.

He should. He knows he should.

Instead, he does something stupid.

He reaches out.

His fingers brush against her wrist, and she sucks in a sharp breath, her entire body going still. Her pulse beats wildly under his fingertips, and for a second—just a second—she lets him hold on.

Then she yanks her arm away like he’s burned her.

“This isn’t fair,” Avery whispers, voice barely audible.

Jay swallows hard, “No. It’s not.”

She takes another step back, putting real distance between them now. “We can’t keep doing this.” I can’t keep doing this.

He exhales slowly as something twists in his stomach. A heavy, overwhelming sense of dread. Finally, he nods, “I know.”

Neither of them moves. Neither of them leaves.

The locker room door creaks open again, and they both snap their heads toward it.

Kevin’s slightly wide-eyed gaze flicks between them, eyebrows raising high into his forehead. “Uh… is this a bad time?”

Blinking rapidly, Avery shakes her head before turning on her heel and forcing a smile. “No. I was just leaving.”

Jay watches her go, his stomach dropping as she pushes past Kev without another word.

The bass from the speakers pulses through Avery’s chest, the thrum of the music matching the erratic rhythm of her heartbeat. The bar is crowded, bodies pressing together on the dance floor, voices raised in laughter and conversation that blurs into a dull roar. She sits at the bar, her half-empty glass of whiskey in front of her, the amber liquid catching the flashing neon lights that paint the room in shades of red and blue.

Her head was heavy, spinning slightly as she takes another sip, the alcohol burning its way down her throat. It doesn’t taste good—not really—but it helps. Helps blur the sharp edges of her thoughts, dulls the ache that’s been clawing at her chest all week.

She hasn’t talked to Jay since their fight in the locker room. Since he grabbed her wrist. Since she yanked away. He hasn’t come to the stakeouts the last two nights, leaving her to sit in her car alone, the silence screaming at her. He hasn’t offered, and she hasn’t asked.

She should be glad. Should be relieved.

Instead, she feels like the tight coil that was barely holding her together is unraveling.

More memories have been coming back every single time she closed her eyes, jagged and painful, clawing their way to the surface no matter how much she tried to bury them. Her mind flickers to Nikolai, to the sound of her own screams echoing in that cold, damp room. To his voice, low and cruel, asking her over and over, Who are you?

Avery squeezes her eyes shut, pressing her fingers to her temples as if she could will the images away. But they are relentless, invading her thoughts like a storm she couldn’t escape. Everything feels tangled and messy, her emotions an unbearable weight she can only lessen with alcohol.

She hates herself for how much she thinks about Jay. Every moment they spend together feels like a lifeline, but it also reopens old wounds. She thought she was doing the right thing by pushing him away, by letting him move on with Hailey. But now, she isn’t sure. She misses him. But it’s clear how hurt and angry he is. She doesn’t know how much longer they can do this back and forth before one of them breaks, shatters into so many pieces that it’ll be impossible to glue back together. What they have now isn’t sustainable, not in this job. Not with both of them in this unit.

“Avery.” The voice comes from beside her, smooth, familiar. She blinks, looking up to find one of the club’s regulars Mark—or maybe Matt?—leaning against the bar next to her. His lips curl into a knowing smirk. “Didn’t expect to see you here again,” he says, tilting his head as his eyes rake over her. “You good?”

She forces a smirk, even though her stomach is twisting. “Do I not look good?”

He chuckles, reaching into his pocket, pulling out a small baggie. A few little white pills clink together inside. He holds it between two fingers, offering them to her like a gift. “Here. This’ll help.”

Her breath catches in her throat, her pulse quickening as her eyes narrow in on the bag. Her body reacts before her mind can catch up, her hand curling tightly around her glass as she fights the urge to reach for it.

It would be so easy. One pill. One small pill to take the edge off. Just enough to forget. To stop the memories, the guilt, the pain.

The man leans closer, taking out two of the pills and slipping them into her hand, “On the house. You look like you could use it.”

Avery stares at them, rolling them in her palm experimentally. The urge is a living thing, crawling up her throat, sinking its claws into her skin.

Just one.

She needs to get out of here. Slamming her palm on the table, she quickly jumps to her feet. His words of protest come, but she doesn’t hear it. She’s already backing away, shoving through the crowd of drunk people, her breaths coming painfully fast.

Her feet carry her out of the club and into the cold Chicago night, the icy air slapping her in the face. Her hands shake as she digs her phone out of her pocket. She barely registers what she’s doing, who she’s calling. Her fingers move on autopilot.

The call rings twice before Adam picks up, his voice groggy, “Hello?”

“Can I come over?” she asks, her voice hoarse, barely above the pounding of the music that can still be heard from the sidewalk.

There’s a pause on the other end, then a quiet sigh. “Yeah. Of course.”

She nods even though he can’t see it, mumbling a quick, “Be there soon,” before hanging up. She stares at the screen for a moment, her breath hitching, before she slips the phone back in her pocket. Avery’s feet start moving before her mind can catch up, the wind biting into her skin and sobering her up just slightly. With every step, she has to fight the desire to turn around. To go back inside that club, back to that guy and back to those magic little pills that can take away all the hurt and the anger and the guilt.

The streets are quiet, the snow falling softly around her as she makes her way through the city, still on edge. Her breath comes in short, visible puffs, her boots crunching against the frozen pavement. She doesn’t know what she was going to say when she gets there. She’s still pissed at him for starting a fight with Jay. How am I the bad guy when I’m the one who got sucker punched? His disbelieving voice rings in her head making a small smile tug at her lips, just enough to distract her for a moment.

When Avery reaches the apartment building, she stares up at the brick and blinks slowly, trying to make sense of her fragmented thoughts. She bites her lip, realizing that she probably shouldn’t be here. Before she can decide to cut and run, though, an older man with a dog opens the door and she slips inside with a casual smile. Her mind races as she climbs the stairs, the beat of the club’s music still thrumming under her skin. By the time she reaches the door, her breathing is shallow, her emotions a tangled mess. She raises her hand, hesitating for a split second before knocking.

prev . . . next

[lieutenantjirv]

(John sighs, the cold air making his breath look like smoke - a pale mimicry of the habit he has once again picked up in earnest - and he looks over at Hickey with what he hopes is some level of reassurance.)

I... had planned on saying a few words, yes. It seems like the least we could do, considering the commander has not deemed it necessary to grant these souls a proper burial and-

(Stop. Don't think about it. Don't question command. Who do you think you are?)

That is... I- I am not comfortable with this.

I am not comfortable with what we have to do.

But... orders are orders.

We must see this through to the end of it.

(He clenches his hands into fists, then lets them relax. Had he not been acting commander of Terror during Crozier's illness? He can do this. He can speak up. It is his duty to do so.)

This place... it has brought us far from where we might call home. Faith and piety might seem like fantasies, daydreams of a better time. But I will not allow us to descend into the maelstrom of sin without a fight. So we will speak words for these our honoured dead.

I will not have it any other way.

>after muster, and the dead are accounted for, (eight dead, most everyone on watch, really), and it's figured out who died and who didn't, dundy goes down to sickbay where everyone was last gathered. steadies himself, rights himself. now to find everyone. not that hard, considering they're all in the same place. he spots @lieutenantjirv and @chasdesvoeux first

john, charlie. captain fitzjames wants you to go with lieutenant gore out on the ice to take care of the dead. burn them away from the ship. you'll need to take at least four more men with you for protection, i'd say, but it's at your discretion. i have to go with george, the marine sergeant tozer, and the steward armitage, to terror to deliver the news and check in on the command there. yes, he's splitting us up, i know. don't. question him >he grabs both their shoulders, first charlie's, then john's, and then he'll give each of them a hug, and john a kiss don't fucking die out there, okay? just don't. n... >he'll drop his voice to a whisper. we can regroup. once we're out there. or set out together. just don't mention it, okay? >he pats their shoulders again

[ghostgoing]

Thought: The Fenton Kids Have CPTSD

One of the causes of CPTSD is being in a situation where you felt unsafe for extended periods of time. For example, living in a house with bad lab safety and food that attacks you. Danny also has the additional factor of Vlad.

sometimes, when you’re a person with CPTSD, you don’t want to get until the full story of what happened. Hence, when one of the kids is telling one of the batkids about their experience, they just say “my parents had an unsecure lab in the basement of our house, and it made things kind of stressful, but they’re doing better“

Does they’re doing better mean they’re dead? Or maybe they’re in jail? Or did they *clutches pearl necklace* learn lab safety?

not really noticing the batkid’s horror, the Fenton kid continues “Anyway, that’s why I’m super stressed all the time, because one of the symptoms of CPTSD is feeling like you’re in danger all the time“

Cue batkid internally freaking out being like “oh my God we all have CPTSD?“

The answer is yes, by the way.

Luckily, Danny happens to know a great psychologist…

[javierduffy]

I have been having... a very bad day. Any spare fluffy headcanons for the boys? (and maybe some nsfw ones if you're up to it-)

ohh no my dear helena !!! its unfortunate that you’re having a rough day today :( remember that everything is temporary and that this day, like every other hard day before (and all following after), will pass in its own time.

i can absolutely spare some fluff ! that’s all i’ve got !

• javier goes to bed at about the same time that kieran is waking up every morning, right before dawn, and it’s a common occurrence that he will forget to untie his hair before laying down for bed, especially after a long night of guard duty. kieran will notice every time, and knows himself how easily long hair can get matted, so he will beckon javier over so that he can untie his bow. usually, he’ll also take the time to run his fingers through javier’s hair to detangle it as well, so that he’s even less likely to wake up to knots. javier adores it, teetering with the weight of his head and leaning hard into kieran’s legs on each side of his shoulders- sometimes kieran will even indulge himself in giving javier a head massage. javier never sleeps better, and coincidentally, he began forgetting to take his hair down a lot more after moving out to clemen’s point ….

• javier snuck kieran his first bowl of pearson’s stew after ‘making a social call’. john kicked kieran off his horse at the entrance of camp and javier watched as the latter dredged himself through the brush to what would become his usual resting place behind the rock by the horses. he looked miserable, dead on his feet, and javier knew by then he’d been weeks without a meal. he was a dirty, disloyal, unholy traitor of an o’driscoll, but something about his sunken eyes, the shake in his hand as he lit his first cigarette as a free man again- likely to quell off the hunger- it urged javier to act in a way that he’d never felt before. javier could kill a man in cold blood easier than he could stand to watch fear starve a man even after his hands are free to reach for the bowl. the study for learned helplessness in psychology will come years later, but javier understands himself now through watching kieran’s instinctual desire to survive be beat out of him by the gang javier dedicates his life to. with a healthy amount of spite to himself, he scoops a heaping amount of fresh stew into the cleanest bowl he can find, and sets out to add a fresh layer of flesh to kieran’s prominent bones.

• following this, cooking for kieran is one of javier’s favourite things to do when they get together. javier will cook for him traditional mexican dishes from home (as best he can. both with his limited skills and also with his limited accessibility to the proper ingredients. (probably for the best that he can’t get authentic chili peppers from home and has to use a less spicy chili native to this northern climate. kieran does okay with spice but it isn’t in his genetics to truly have a high tolerance.)) and not only will it be an unknown love language from javier, to feed kieran and make sure he is full, but it will also be a love language from kieran, to let javi share a piece of home with him.

• ^ also applies to modern au javieran ! javier loves cooking, and especially for kieran. they would cook together, but kieran struggles to cook with other people in the room, and javier gets so absorbed in it that he’d likely be running into kieran or otherwise being unhelpful in aiding in making sure the dish is being cooked correctly because he’s too Locked In to guide kieran LOL but they’re more happy to simply keep each other company, anyway. kieran on the counter/table/floor, watching javier sing and dance to the music he’s blasting from their speaker. cue dancing in the kitchen when the love songs come on (here’s a good one (rip javier escuella you would have loved dannylux)). the parallel play and quality time with these two is off the charts

• come mid/late clemens point, the way javieran make most of their money for the camp is by going on days-long fishing dates, laughing and laying close to one another in the grass under a tree on the riverbank in the shroud of darkness. they come back to camp flushed as all get out but with stacks of cash in their hands wadded up so thick no one dares to ask where it came from. kieran will get excited at even the smallest of fish, perking up and sharing/asking javier for tidbits on the species. they never miss a bite, either. one time one of the bells on their bobber rods rang once and they both broke out of a very hot and heavy make-out sesh so fast that javier tripped on kieran and nearly broke both of their wrists. they laughed so hard about it, javier was certain that by the time he arrived to his rod, the fish had already successfully ripped the bait off of his hook. he reeled in a boot, at the end of it all. he never lives it down.

• kieran is ambidextrous, and javier is fascinated by it. javier stumbled upon kieran writing on one rare occasion, and noticed immediately that he was writing with his left. “left handed, huh ?” kieran cocks his head at him in thought. javier wonders why on earth he would have to stop and think about a question like that. “uhh, not really ?” well, now javier is simply confused. “right, then ? is something wrong with your dominant hand ?” “um … no, that’s not it either …” and at this point, javier is demanding kieran explain what the hell he’s talking about, and why he’s pulling a prank on him. cue kieran explaining and javier making him do all kinds of silly “tests” like writing, shooting, playing guitar (as if kieran is going to any better with either when neither of them can do it right to begin with) because he finds it so cool.

• modern au kieran gets overstimulated incredibly easily, so he’s got a pair of noise canceling over-ear headphones that he often wears to dampen sensory input and ground himself when there’s a lot going on. when it’s cleaning day, generally no matter what he’s doing, he HAS to wear his headphones. javier is left to dodge him the same way he has to dodge the cats when they’re weaving in and out of between his feet. it also leaves him to dance to his own tunes when kieran suddenly swoops or sways or dips him to the music only he can hear- though just as often, javier will catch kieran dancing by himself and he will simply be unable not to join him, even though he can’t hear what it is he’s dancing to. as overwhelming as they can be, cleaning days for javieran somehow always end up feeling more like a date than anything.

• on a similar note, kieran also wears his headphones to bed, and listens to asmr/white noise to sleep. the pressure helps him feel safe, and the silence of a room makes him anxious. he also has a terrible bedhead and rbf in the morning. both of these things javier finds incredibly charming, and if he ever does wake up when/before kieran does (incredibly rare), this is his pov (right before he tries to kiss kieran’s face off and gets shoved away with a sleepy giggle that only bolsters his aggression);

nsfw under the cut !

and how could i resist a chance to finally talk about this ;3€ ?? i’ll try to keep them fluffy !

(context, i hc both of them as tguys usually (though im content with writing javier as amab too), with both of them being absolute, unabashed switches. they have little preferences anywhere in terms of bottoming/topping, though kieran has a preference for subbing, and javier has no qualms with domming more frequently.)

• as much raunchy, animalistic sex that javieran have, they have double as much slow, loving, tender sex. and most times between, they’re having raunchy, loving, animalistic sex.

• javi loves to turn kieran’s brain off, he loves more than anything to make kieran feel so overwhelmingly pleasured that he forgets everything that ever has, ever could, or ever will happen to him. nothing gets javier off quite like seeing the face of bliss kieran makes when all he can think about is javier’s mouth/hands/cock working overtime just to make him feel good.

• both of them i think are quite vocal when they’re able to be, and kieran tends to be vocal whether he’s supposed to be or not. both of them often dissolve into whimpers and “i love you”s and praise like “you feel/sound/taste so good” by the end. their love for each other has a carnal grasp on every aspect of their sex lives as well <3 so they’re always speaking so sweetly to each other, even if the way they growl it seems violent

• javier LOVES love bites. he loves to mark kieran up and he especially loves to bite and lick and suck on his neck, not only because of the primal aspect of his jugular being so close (as well as the warmth of his pulse thrumming against his mouth), but also because it arouses kieran to the point of making him shiver nearly every time. javier has permission to bite him hard, but it’s pretty rare that he ever does, and it’s only late into their relationship does javier feel like it will be more pleasure for him than it would just be pain. sometimes he can’t help it though, he’ll get so worked up that he just latches on and the way that kieran tightens around him is mind-numbing.

• unironically i think kieran is a GREAT soft dom, and that is something that javier generally had never experienced prior to getting with kieran. javi thinks it’s hot to be man-handled and roughed up, and kieran can do his very best (despite the constant guilt and fear) if javier is really feeling it, but where he really excels is soft domming. once the nerves melt off, he’s so gentle with javier that it makes the latter’s skin hot all over. constantly praising him, cooing at him, asking him nicely, rewarding him for good behavior, all the while touching him oh-so-gently, it all makes javier feel so awkward but so, so good. kieran makes him feel so loved and worshipped that the world in which he has anything to question simply just fades away, and all he has to think about is doing what meager tasks kieran asks of him.

• they find so much peace in each other’s bodies. in every rib and wrinkle and sunspot, these two will spend hours simply exploring and enjoying the body of the other in whatever the closest form of “privacy” they can manage to acquire. turns out, kieran has sunspots all over him. turns out, javier has a keloid scar on the back of his bicep. turns out, kieran has a mole on his scalp right where his part is (this is canon btw i saw it once when i was studying him in photo mode like a specimen in a petri dish), and javier has back dimples, and kieran’s ribs stutter and dance beautifully when he laughs, and the flex of javier’s thighs warps his skin like a marble statue. javier escuella and kieran duffy love like artists, and they spend hours just learning and looking and studying each other, like a painter with his muse, like a writer with his words, like the last things they want to see while they’re dying are all the hours they spent learning the beauty of the other.

i could honestly come up with more but it would never leave my drafts, so i hope u like these that i came up with as quick as i could :’) ! i hope you’re feeling better and have gotten some good rest !! thank you for the ask !!!!!

[dairyfreenugget]

(Going insane boinkinh one AU in my head)

Hey hey hey

May I interest you in

(Slowly slides my FaaF AU towards you but void just Disappears without a trace one day before the accolade)

Teehee

[shorlinesorrows]

just got the time to start the sunshine court and I'm Vibrating out of my skin

[sisterdivinium]

In the off chance Tumblr dies for real, what if we got ourselves a WN message board like in the olden times?

Or maybe I'd just set up a Dreamwidth account (again) and talk to myself, idk. There's still so much to analyse about WN and there's no fun in doing it without sharing it.

[erythristicbones]

having thoughts about a particular plot point that connects two of my otherwise unrelated stories and how incredibly fucking sad it makes me/how i wish i could not have it happen without completely altering the paths of said stories.....and then going "what if i just split it into two characters and sever the connection between them"

[gibbearish]

also the thing of trying to boil it down to like "he was a hero whos mental state was made of titanium" or "he was an unstable mentally ill weirdo who killed himself and pretended it was for a reason" seems. counterproductive at the very least