#Damian sneezing on the other side of globe: Mom I feel like Akhi did something terrible just now

[prlssprfctn]

A big fan of crack-au, where UTRH goes wrong, and Bruce just accepts Jason back because he misses him, except for some reason he dreads telling all the story to kids, so now he just brings back home Red Hood without telling others that it is Jason. Jason is amused because of course he is... he has such a vast space for teasing the shit out of family.

Dick: Wait, WHAT? Dick: I know I said that Red Hood low-key was impressive, but it wasn't supposed to be an, uh, encouragement for adopting him? Tim: Screw that. Why is he still in his helmet? He is allowed to know who we are, but we are going to cover his identity? How is that fair? Bruce: Well. You see... Jason: I am not taking my helmet off. When I was a kid, Joker butchered my face. Tim, awkwardly: ...Okay, I see an adopting requirement is passed. Bruce: ...Tim, I don't have requirements for- Dick: Still sounds like bullshit to me. How old are you? Jason: Nineteen, fuck ass. Dick, instantly melting: OH MY GOD, IT IS A BABY CRIME LORD!

Bruce, sighing: Lad, I feel so guilty for lying to them Jason, shrugging: You weren't that guilty when you allowed this ugly memorial to stay in the Batcave. Bruce: ... Alfred: Good point. Bruce, frustrated: Al, you put it in the first place. Jason: He paid off by his Friday lasagna delivery to my doors. It is your turn. Bruce: *quiet sigh*

Jason, appearing out of nowhere behind Dick's back: So, I heard you have a dead brother. Dick: Jesus- What- Jason: You liked him much? Dick: What? Of course. I loved Jason, he was my baby. Why are you asking that? Jason, humming: No reason. Keep it up.

Tim: I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, but I *will* get to the bottom of it. Also, your strange obsession with Jason is low-key weird. Jason, trashing out Tim's stalker stash: Really, what about yours? Tim: YOU MOTHERFUCKER-

Bruce: So... You feel better, Jason? Jason: Yep. Totally satisfied. Bruce, hopeful: So, about you being the crime lord- Jason: So, about admitting to your kids that I am not a rando? Bruce: ...Uhh. Never mind, you are doing great, sweetheart.

Dick, carrying groceries: Oh, come on. Red Hood is cute. He is just a little socially awkward, but overall? A baby. Tim, grunting, while opening the kitchen door: The nicest thing he had done was editing my last-minute essays. Overall, he can go and fuck himself. Jason, without a helmet, having a tea party with Alfred and Bruce in the kitchen: ... Dick and Tim: ... Bruce: ... Jason: Oh, fuck my life, since when you two know a road to the KITCHEN Dick: LITTLE WING? Bruce: I... I can explain. Tim: You sleazy motherfucker. I *knew* Babs deleted some footage from your cowl, I KNEW IT. Bruce: I CAN EXPLAIN! Dick, in tears: JAY. BABY. Jason, trying to escape the kitchen: I am just a hallucination. You didn't see a shit. Dick: No, you are not. Your hallucination sits on the counter, silly. Jason: ...The fuck? Bruce, catching Jason by the collar, whispering: Don't leave me alone there. Help me out. Say something to avert the attention. Jason, panicking: Uh Jason: By the way, we have another brother, he is a biological son of Bruce and Talia, and his name is Damian Everyone: WHAT Jason: Well. Bye. Jason: *jumps out of the window*

[vexinglyvolatile]

@honestmagpie

A big fan of crack-au, where UTRH goes wrong, and Bruce just accepts Jason back because he misses him, except for some reason he dreads telling all the story to kids, so now he just brings back home Red Hood without telling others that it is Jason. Jason is amused because of course he is... he has such a vast space for teasing the shit out of family.

Dick: Wait, WHAT? Dick: I know I said that Red Hood low-key was impressive, but it wasn't supposed to be an, uh, encouragement for adopting him? Tim: Screw that. Why is he still in his helmet? He is allowed to know who we are, but we are going to cover his identity? How is that fair? Bruce: Well. You see... Jason: I am not taking my helmet off. When I was a kid, Joker butchered my face. Tim, awkwardly: ...Okay, I see an adopting requirement is passed. Bruce: ...Tim, I don't have requirements for- Dick: Still sounds like bullshit to me. How old are you? Jason: Nineteen, fuck ass. Dick, instantly melting: OH MY GOD, IT IS A BABY CRIME LORD!

Bruce, sighing: Lad, I feel so guilty for lying to them Jason, shrugging: You weren't that guilty when you allowed this ugly memorial to stay in the Batcave. Bruce: ... Alfred: Good point. Bruce, frustrated: Al, you put it in the first place. Jason: He paid off by his Friday lasagna delivery to my doors. It is your turn. Bruce: *quiet sigh*

Jason, appearing out of nowhere behind Dick's back: So, I heard you have a dead brother. Dick: Jesus- What- Jason: You liked him much? Dick: What? Of course. I loved Jason, he was my baby. Why are you asking that? Jason, humming: No reason. Keep it up.

Tim: I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, but I *will* get to the bottom of it. Also, your strange obsession with Jason is low-key weird. Jason, trashing out Tim's stalker stash: Really, what about yours? Tim: YOU MOTHERFUCKER-

Bruce: So... You feel better, Jason? Jason: Yep. Totally satisfied. Bruce, hopeful: So, about you being the crime lord- Jason: So, about admitting to your kids that I am not a rando? Bruce: ...Uhh. Never mind, you are doing great, sweetheart.

Dick, carrying groceries: Oh, come on. Red Hood is cute. He is just a little socially awkward, but overall? A baby. Tim, grunting, while opening the kitchen door: The nicest thing he had done was editing my last-minute essays. Overall, he can go and fuck himself. Jason, without a helmet, having a tea party with Alfred and Bruce in the kitchen: ... Dick and Tim: ... Bruce: ... Jason: Oh, fuck my life, since when you two know a road to the KITCHEN Dick: LITTLE WING? Bruce: I... I can explain. Tim: You sleazy motherfucker. I *knew* Babs deleted some footage from your cowl, I KNEW IT. Bruce: I CAN EXPLAIN! Dick, in tears: JAY. BABY. Jason, trying to escape the kitchen: I am just a hallucination. You didn't see a shit. Dick: No, you are not. Your hallucination sits on the counter, silly. Jason: ...The fuck? Bruce, catching Jason by the collar, whispering: Don't leave me alone there. Help me out. Say something to avert the attention. Jason, panicking: Uh Jason: By the way, we have another brother, he is a biological son of Bruce and Talia, and his name is Damian Everyone: WHAT Jason: Well. Bye. Jason: *jumps out of the window*