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tiddiesoutwhenthetisout · 6 months ago

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jokes i put in the comments aside, my observable inference on this places heavy blame on the prevalence of online methods of learning and quick searches. they have taken away largely from the critical thinking skills of gen alpha and some gen zs. they're used to taking things at face value and no longer have the mind to dig deeper, as AI does everything for them. it's a huge issue we face in uni (students love to generate their works with that shit) creating a need for stricter monitoring. and it's tbh just a lot of trouble for both the teacher and student population.

they also believe misinformation they see online, and these heartless content creators keep feeding them lies for likes instead of educating them. i don't want to be that kind of person, but i do believe being so chronically online is a huge contributor to these kids' absolute confidence in spouting things that are so wrong. they are enabled on the internet by like-minded peers, and unfortunately even grown-ups who just want to get in their good graces for revolting reasons.

freedom of speech and the euphoria of being validated in a place where it is so easy to be apathetic and horrible, secure behind the blessing of anonymity. the evolution of language and how the gravity of some words have become lighter and lighter the more they are used in the wrong context. empowerment being consumed by the wrong audience. they are definitely getting smarter than us in a way, but it feels like a soulless, automated version. their logic has no soul, no concern for others to the point that they think they have the right to bully (and they don't even think they're being mean). awareness of multiple issues we had not known before, and though i say knowledge is the key to everything, you cannot wield a sword well without experience.

i'm happy they're aware of the severity of war crimes, but these people have somehow gotten to a higher stair without stepping on the other ones. there's just so much information being shoved in their faces about good and evil in fiction and they haven't even completed 9th grade literature where they are aptly introduced to the types of characters. see what i'm getting at; a mismatch of their acquired knowledge, crystalized without a honed fluid intelligence. taking a spear to battle without the head.

just think about how this fares when they are dealing with actual people.

they've been so detached from concepts of strife (and i'm glad they're living peacefully) that they seem unable to comprehend its implications... which are, definitely, too complex for kids. sorry for assuming tiktok users are all children, but as far as i know, it's heavily populated with such. idk i don't use it. there's no more multidimensional thinking, no more appreciation of all things written within the context in which they had been, and it's ironic for me that this is being lost because of people who desperately want to think everything is related to them.

i can't explain it well in this language, but it's as if they seek refuge and companionship in media they consume because they can find it no longer in fellow human beings. what with the growing population of crooks and the accessibility of victims, i can't blame anyone. but it's giving the same vibes as this kinnie stuff, and people projecting their problems onto these characters so they can "kin" them. (seen this on twitter...) and then forcefeeding their headcanons to people as "canon".

it's like that, what they're doing to this book.

they are delusional in the negative way, the total opposite of what we were in the early days of the internet and fandoms. i appreciate that these children are aware of social issues and morals, but their perception is heavily skewed and self-centered. they tend to think that everything should be, and is, about them. they are wrestling more than their underdeveloped bones and muscles can handle, and though it is the fault largely of moneymaking agenda, it's still a disappointing result (so, see... i don't fault them but i'm still not happy about it. like me knowing achilles is a piece of shit in all sense of the word, but i still like him a lot because he's well-written and i know his complexes.)

i know i was supposed to just yap about critical thinking and analysis. but i can't help it 🤷‍♂️ anyway, these are my observations/opinions so they won't be correct for everyone. just have a lot of free time rn.

TikTok TSOA fans are so funny because they’ll swear up and down that they despise Achilles and “only read it for Patroclus who was sweet and innocent and did nothing wrong 🥹🥹” like ijbol u people are not serious. Hate Achilles all you want, he did do bad things, me personally I hate him for sacking certain Trojan cities and refusing the embassy, no one’s denying that he was wrong and that he was a bad person at times, but loving a character does not equal justifying their actions for one thing and to act like any character from the illiad was a paragon of perfect morality is fucking insane. ( Yes, even Hector, everyone’s favorite “🥺he was such a perfect husband🥺” man of the month ) It’s literally so crazy to say that Achilles was the only one of the two of them to actively commit bad deeds and war crimes during the WAR they were in. Just close the damn book I’m sorry but obviously a book with morally ambiguous and dark topics are not for you at this point. Like I get your point, what Achilles did was bad, it’s not like majority of people DONT agree with that point.

But characters are not supposed to be FLAT. They are not supposed to be all good or all bad. Your insistence that Patroclus was only a good person does not make him a good character. It actually makes him really fucking boring. I’m getting way too passionate about this but like I’m so over everyone acting like

1) Achilles was the worst person to exist in Greek mythology history when he’s not even the worst fucking person in the illiad itself 😭 ( that honor goes to Paris, Zeus, Aphrodite, and Agamemnon <3 )

2) A character can only be liked or appreciated or even just talked about if they fit modern ethical standards

Like every conversation I see about TSOA, any video on TikTok, there’s always a comment that has to bring it up like “I only liked Patroclus and he was an unreliable narrator so Achilles was actually much worse” Like okay we get it, God, fuck off please!

Also the whole thing between him and Apollo. PLEASE. Those two are two sides of the same exact coin. I think Apollo was justified in killing him but yall act like Apollo has not done the same if not worse than what he killed Achilles for. And that’s. FINE. I still love Apollo! For all the good and the bad that he does I think he’s the most interesting Greek God on the Pantheon and in the Illiad he’s actually one of my favorite characters to hear from. And I don’t expect the Greek god to act with good moral intentions. I expect him to act like a Greek god. I expect Achilles to act like a Greek demigod. Which is, exactly the way he acts. Maybe yall expected something different. If you wanted a short sweet story that happened to be queer with two perfectly acceptable, 100% goody two shoes main protagonists, please drop the classics inspired books and watch heartstopper.

#it was too long to comment so i did it here #im a yapper #and a professional emo who used to think reading old literature made me unique as a middle schooler #so i'm glad there's less of that but yall are now a different breed #just leave achilles alone and learn how to do better than him lmao

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softinkshadows · 3 years ago

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Jujutsu Kaisen astrology (sun/moon/rising)

Some sun-moon-rising speculations, according to the characters’ official birthdays as listed by Gege Akutami, with some mild spoilers ahead ~ (birth years not taken into account)

Gojo Satoru - Sagittarius sun, Gemini moon, Aquarius rising Quick, witty, and without a serious bone in his body, air and fire dominant Gojo Satoru is the epitome of avid communication and chaos. His flighty personality appears out of place in serious life or death circumstances, though his shallow behaviour often hides a darker, more serious side which he keeps to himself. His sun-moon opposition makes him someone who grows through oscillating between extremes, and in the mutable signs his moods are light and change lightning fast. Highly intellectual and often cocky, he is also detached, surprisingly stubborn and a believer in larger humanitarian goals (resetting the jujutsu system). His Aqua rising makes him somewhat of a loner at times. Probably also a Sag mercury for his dramatic, showy speeches, and a Sag venus with his love for freedom. Itadori Yuuji - Aries sun, Libra moon, Pisces rising Itadori is one of the few people whose energy (or childishness) can match Gojo Satoru. Like Gojo, his sun-moon fire-air opposition makes him eccentric and complex. Not especially comfortable with his own emotions, Itadori represses his own traumatic experiences. He also often finds himself in moral dilemmas, such as what is considered a proper death, or weighing the balance between saving lives and causing mass destruction as Sukuna’s vessel, a perpetual and difficult state for a Libra moon. Relationships with others are important because he gains self-awareness through them. His Pisces rising is seen in his soft, easygoing and impressionable social demeanour, which can be quite chameleon-like depending on who he’s with. Likely a Taurus mercury and venus.

Fushiguro Megumi - Capricorn moon, Scorpio moon, Taurus rising Fushiguro is the definition of controlled intensity. Usually sporting a deadpan look, his emotions are firmly contained and his private life is kept intensely private (re: his past as high school gang beater, his sister). Known as the most sane/collected out of the main trio, the strength of his feelings are revealed when he flicks the emotional switch and overwhelms the special grade with his domain expansion. Like many Capricorn suns, he struggles with competitiveness, self-worth and becomes adorably shy when validated by others (Gojo and Sukuna). Scorpio moons often have difficult and complex familial relationships, and this is evident in the lack of parental figures throughout his life (and his indifference towards them). They also have a good deal of natural sex appeal, which explains his popularity in middle school and Itadori’s (and SUKUNA’S LOL) early affection for him. Likely Cap mercury and Aqua venus. Kugisaki Nobara - Leo sun, Virgo moon, Aries rising Loud, brash and expressive, Kugisaki is confident, although sometimes coming across as arrogant. She is extremely critical (a Virgo moon trait), sees herself as above the boys when she meets them, and is generous and warm to (female) figures whom she highly respects. Interestingly, despite her dramatic persona, she’s the most level-headed out of the three when it comes to a crisis. She focuses on getting the job done, even if it comes at great personal sacrifice, such as the fight against the death paintings where she did not hesitate to stab herself to defeat them. She hides her sadness because it makes her vulnerable, and strength is the image she wants to portray. Like many Virgo moons, she has a solid sense of duty - despite her injuries during the Shibuya arc, she refused to leave the battlefield when her friends were still fighting. Possibly Leo mercury and Virgo venus. Nanami Kento - Cancer sun, Virgo moon, Capricorn rising The morose salaryman sorcerer. Responsible, down-to-earth and favouring structures and rules, Nanami is a true blue Virgo moon. He operates out of a sense of obligation and duty to society, often struggling to find meaning in life, and is practical in the way he goes about making decisions. This moon makes him highly perceptive and analytical in a fight, as seen from his multiple brushes with Mahito, and its need for precision and detail is reflected in the way his cursed technique operates (along a fascinating 7:3 ratio scale). His emotional Cancerian traits are kept under wraps, though he is protective of people and his friends. Because of the depth of personal trauma with Haibara, he even ran away from the sorcerer line of work. As a Cap rising, he is workaholic, solemn and overly serious. Most likely a Cancer mercury and Taurus venus. Getou Suguru - Aquarius sun, Scorpio moon, Virgo rising As one of the most radical personalities, Getou’s sole focus is on how to achieve the greater good, although what he defines as good has become skewed to the extreme. Quiet, dignified, and self-reflective, he is the patient and level-headed counterpart to Gojo who understands what it feels like to be born with power. Fueled by his strong sense of injustice and need to protective fellow sorcerers, he is methodical and self-effacing in achieving his goals, sacrificing his relationships with his friends, family and his status in jujutsu society along the way. Likely Aqua mercury and Cap venus. Maki Zenin - Capricorn sun, Aries moon, Aries rising Maki’s blunt, fiery and stubborn personality makes her strive to prove herself to her family. Amongst all the students, she possesses the strongest leadership charisma and potential. Inumaki Toge - Libra sun, Pisces moon, Scorpio rising Mostly quiet, mysterious and strangely alluring. Very protective of his friends, as seen from his colder, distant personality towards Yuta in their early days. Panda - Pisces sun, Taurus moon, Sagittarius rising Panda is quite sage-like and wise in personality. They keep calm and grounded, yet knows when to chime in with a joke or two to diffuse conflict in a situation. Aoi Todo - Virgo sun, Aquarius moon, Leo rising A deep eccentric with an overactive imagination. Extremely intelligent and analytical, with a penchant for bravado and showiness. Mai Zenin - Capricorn sun, Aries moon, Taurus rising The younger of the twins, born shy of a few minutes after Maki, Mai’s Taurus rising makes her graceful, elegant and sensual. Miwa Kasumi - Aries sun, Pisces moon, Cancer rising The sweetest! Shy, really giving person with a girl-next-door look. Gets starry eyed and excited too easily.

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jujutsu kaisen astrology #jjk astrology #gojo satoru #itadori yūji #fushiguro megumi #nobara kugisaki #nanami kento #maki zenin #inumaki toge #panda jjk #aoi todo #mai zenin #miwa kasumi #getou suguru

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probably-haven · 3 years ago

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after binge reading i have come to a new revelation: I’m not a fan of most Xiaoven fanfics

Don’t get me wrong, I love the ship and its one of my favorite to think about.... but most of the fanfiction for the ship just- doesn’t sit right with me for a number of reasons.

Disclaimer: these are personal opinions from my own taste and are in no way an attack against any authors out there, because frankly fanfic authors are great and not like i could do better lol. As these are personal opinions, I acknowledge here and now that a number of people disagree and that they are under no obligation to change their opinions in any way as it is not and never will be my intention to tell others what they should be thinking That said- read at your own risk if you want- meh, anyway-

time to share some opinions that have been on my mind lately

The biggest reason.... is how they handle Xiao. And I don’t even mean mischaracterization because Xiao is such a complex and yet simultaneously simple character that as long as you’re somewhere in the range of “Xiao vibes” it’s really hard to write him out of character because of his complexities. What I mean is something that i actually completely agree with as being accurate to his character. In nearly every single fanfic I’ve seen, there is some element of idolization that Xiao has for Venti, or for the sake of reference, Barbatos. He tends to think himself beneath Barbatos and/or indebted to him, whether that be because he’s an archon, because he saved him, or simply because of Xiao’s tendency to dehumanize(yes i see the irony in that word usage) himself. This by itself isn’t an issue but its often how this trait of his is treated.

Imma just list a few ways I’ve seen this be handled within Xiaoven fics. - It isn’t handled, it’s just there and accepted as a part of who he is in the story - It isn’t handled but his trait is treated as source of humor within the story - Venti(and others) roll with it (finding humor in it, just cant change it, encouraging it, making jokes about it, etc.) - Venti takes advantage of it(whether accidentally or purposely) - it’s actually addressed(by Venti or someone else or the narration- can go a number of ways, but just- even a brief reference to the fact that its not a good mindset fits in here) - savior!Venti(Where venti disagrees with it but the way it’s written gives off “god among mortals” vibes- like he’s just being humble and truly is above him in reality) - its the focus of the story - not directly addressed but shown to be destructive. - they chose not to not include this in the story’s characterization of Xiao(just saying that this is valid ahead of time) Theres others but i have a lot already. Note that I tend to read more ‘serious-toned’(idk if that makes sense) fics so that may skew my perception

Now there’s a few that i have issues with on their own- both instances of it not being handled, Venti(and others) rolling with it, Venti takes advantage of it(purposely(and without good intent)), and savior!Venti. Xiao not only has this trait, but he is unfamiliar with what is normal in relationships or emotions as a result of isolation and inexperience. He is also either not aware of or not concerned with what is considered strictly “healthy.” Combining these makes for a rather dangerous combination and just accepting it as “oh he’s just like that, it’s who he is” or making it out to be something funny- It’s not wrong or bad by any means necessarily, and I could still possibly enjoy it to an extent depending on a series of different factors, but its- not as often. Even in the case where I do enjoy reading it however, I would still feel uncomfortable sharing it with or recommending it to others because in the first instance it feels like normalizing a destructive and dangerous mindset, and in the second case it does the same while simultaneously making a joke of it. It’s the same deal with Venti or other characters rolling with it, but that’s probably gonna be mentioned later too. Not to say that this is a “wrong” way to handle it, that it makes the fic bad, or that authors even are normalizing anything by doing so, just that in my specific instance- not a fan.

I’ll get to the others when i talk more about Venti, but for now: It’s the focus of the story. I think I saw like... 2? where the story was like- focused on this and why its a problem which- power to them, address those real world problems like a boss- but also i wouldn’t actively seek it out or anything- like, good job, but doing so just leaves it open neutrally for other factors to decide how good a story i think it is.

not directly addressed but shown to be destructive. You’d think i wouldn’t like this- but frankly in fanfiction not everyone wants to address every character flaw verbally because it can through off story, narration, dialogue, and general flow to do so. This can be with an event, an action, a dialogue, a mere comment, making it actually fit into the it’s actually addressed category except that its- subtle enough to make its own category. plus i live for show not tell- in everything- its a thing. im- very much a fan of when the fics do this but the subtlety is easy to miss and its not common so-

It’s actually adressed- doesnt have to be a lot- just mention anywhere or imply anywhere that maybe idolizing someone as a god and savior and being in a relationship with them while having little knowledge of standards, emotions, relationships, or healthy behaviors in general- maybe isnt the smartest idea in the word. (”Call me Venti, not Barbatos” by itself is not enough to fit in this category tho as a note)

Now lets talk about Venti...

uh.... those who have followed me for awhile will probably already know this but... I have a lot of opinions on Venti and a pretty- “niche(?)” perception of his characterization that isn’t shared by a lot of others- so I don’t actually read as much Venti fanfic in general as you might expect because I often end up disagreeing with how writers portray him, which again, in no way is their characterization wrong, but- “their perceived truth” conflicts with “my perceived truth” and by extent so does the characterization, though neither is any more correct than the other from an objective point of view, if that makes sense... but anyways now that that’s said, moving on before this becomes a philosophy lecture, as fun as that would be for me. I’ll try to keep my “perceived truth” out of this for the first bit.

Venti’s response to this:

He rolls with it: this depends on the mood of the fanfiction. If they dont put a lot of stress on that trait of Xiao’s it totally fine but if the trait seems to be a major part of Xiao’s character, it seems like normalization once more. (more on this later)

he takes advantage of it purposely: if its an AU or something and Venti’s like a villain(i saw a few) then- villain venti isnt my cup of tea but i have no qualms. If they don’t portray Venti in a negative light while having him take advantage however that’s a bit uncomfortable to read for me because it feels like normalizing taking advantage of that mindset as well as the mindset itself. However, i did see a number of instances of Venti using it as leverage for like- self care- which i definitely have no qualms. Xiao: [insert probably destructive idolizing statement about being indebt] Venti: How bout you pay me back by actually sleeping for once smh or other variations are okay and depending on the vibe are actually a really fun dynamic as long as it doesnt turn into romanticizing or normalizing it, y’know?

Venti accidentally taking advantage of it.... I love angst- and in most of these theres a sense of guilt when he realizes- and i just think thats a lovely way of addressing the dangers of such a mindset for both sides. As long as it doesn’t keep repeating to the point of romanticization its totally cool to read in my eyes(not irl ofc). If Venti never realizes he accidentally took or is taking advantage it feels a bit like normalization, and if he does but just- doesn’t care thats- a rip.

savior!Venti...... i- i hate. the story giving off vibes that Xiao’s mindset is technically correct while Venti oh so humbly tells him to treat him as an equal like the wonderful and charitable person he is.... i just- no. of course thats over dramatizing it- I think the main thing that gives it this vibe is when Venti doesn’t seem either concerned, surprised, uncomfortable, or otherwise have a negative feeling towards Xiao’s mindset. Just- it makes the whole thing weird in my eyes when Venti doesnt really seem to have his own reason to oppose the mindset idk-

fact time!

Venti is the god of freedom. His backstory is freeing Mondstadt from a god’s tyrannical reign. His origin is a windsprite, just another breeze bringing changes for the better. His form is a nameless boy who played an instrument and then died, thus failing at his only dream and only ever accomplishing anything because of the help of others. He slept for a thousand years after the archon war to avoid putting Mond under the rule of yet another tyrannical god. He only even became a god because Andrius chose to let him. He wouldn’t have even had that chance if the nameless bard had survived, he’d remain just another wind while his friend ascended to godhood. Venti sacrifices his own power for his people’s freedom.

now that I’ve laid out a number of canon facts, time for opinions:

Venti has little to no desire to be seen as a god. He thrives in, comes from, and emphasizes a lack of superiority in quite nearly everything. The first Ragnvindir, who canonically turned his back on Venti after Decarabian’s fall, likely did so because one- he anticipated power would corrupt and Venti would soon become just another tyrannical god, two- he suspected Venti used the nameless bard in an attempt to rise to godhood, or three- idk insert other possibilities to acknowledge again that i could totally be wrong.

Look me in the eyes and tell me Venti wouldnt trade godhood for his friend in an instant. His godhood was only granted to him because his friend died and could easily serve to constantly remind him of what could have been and what he lost. Venti takes no enjoyment from being seen as superior and in my opinion, I feel that it could actually make him largely uncomfortable when his divinity and abilities as an archon get involved-

also self promotion for my favorite posts- check out #archon war era venti if thats interesting to you

so anyway Venti rolling with it or making jokes about it just doesn’t sit right with me.-

Okay! enough talking about that mindset!

idk- i have... a few/lot of other gripes and stuff or just things that kinda throw off the vibe for me but that’s the main one plus my general personal pickiness when it come to Venti fanfics- but this has gotten long enough already-

idk i just felt like rambling about it and i haven’t done a long post in a while so-

again, I love the ship and its actually one of my favorites- just the fanfic isnt my thing..... that doesn’t mean i don’t still love it and come up with a whole ton of brainrot and ideas on it tho lmao

#genshin impact #genshin xiao #genshin venti #xiaoven #genshin barbatos #opinions #discourse #? idk ill tag it just in case #dont mind my constant backtracking and justifying and repeated disclaimers-#i just have a crippling fear of being cancelled lol

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21tailsofwoe · 4 years ago

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“cry for the moon: side H” musings

so i watched the hunter side of identity v stage episode 3 “cry for the moon” and i would like to let out my thoughts because there are so many of them and i do not know any better way of coping with my feelings.

spoilers for the stage play under the cut:

simply said, this production was leagues above episode 1, which i also hold very close to heart so you can imagine what episode 3 did to me. i’ve loved mary ever since i started playing the game almost a year ago, and to learn that there’d be an entire stage play dedicated to her. and not to mention that cecile daigo would play her role, i was already sold.

putting her character against eli, whose character (at least in the stage) is supposed to be this calm, supportive, empathetic person, i’d keep thinking how they’d pull it off, how’d they frame mary’s backstory, how everything would work out in the manor...i had so many questions. in the end, i came out so thoroughly satisfied by this stage. in fact, my friend and i cried multiple times watching this. it affected us THAT much.

story:

the story is a little straight-forward. mary is a queen who was executed by her own people. from my understanding, they didn’t allude to the revolution or anything, simply the fact that mary grew up in royalty and luxury, was taught to be high-headed, and self-centered, maintain that elite image. and in following this way of life, she ended up being extremely lonely, till everyone around her betrayed her and she was left to be executed. in the manor, now that she’s dead, she’s still very stubbornly insists that everyone treat her like royalty, that everyone else in the manor is beneath her, just so she could justify the pain from the loneliness and betrayal she felt. eli shows up, reaches out, the concept of ‘skins’ in the game is very cleverly used as a plot device, and the stage ends with mary learning about the Power Of Friendship(TM). she also learns to accept herself as a person, not as a ‘concept.’

i feel like the motives of the hunter main character seemed a lot more fleshed out. the connection to the survivor main character was established in due time, and all the pieces started fitting together as the story went on, something i found a little lacking in the first stage. like i said, it’s straight-forward and easy to digest, but still ends up tugging at your heartstrings.

characters:

mary’s characterisation was phenomenal. i’ve always been bitter about the fact that the game straight up copy pasted marie antoinnette onto her, but in the stage the creative liberties were put on full display. she’s her own character, with abundant past trauma which makes her cold and unapproachable. she’s so protective of her world view that she’d lash out on anyone and everyone who dares to change it. being called a ‘hunter’ makes her snap, makes her pissed, because she’s a queen! she always has been! there’s no way she could be standing along with other people! that’s not what she’s learned in her life time!

eli doesn’t have a lot of character moments because this was the hunter side after all, but he’s the same as the first stage. sees a lonely, recluse person, and wants to reach out. though the creators have stated that each stage is a different manor, or a different story, they’ve stuck to this characterisation of eli and i love it.

while the other hunters also had their parts, the more prominent ones were luchino and joseph. and joseph. oh goodness. his transformation from the first stage to now was something i craved for. he’s joking around with the other hunters, the other hunters also clown him pretty bad. he has a soft spot for robbie. the back and forth he shares with luchino also filled my heart with so much love. and most importantly, he’s the one who tells mary to embrace the present as it is, because holding onto the past will not do much. he fits the gap between eli and mary perfectly, and moves the story in his own joseph way. seeing him actually move on from his past and live with a healthy mindset, something we’ll probably never see in the game...it destroyed something in me.

joseph’s character also emphasises that in the confusion of whatever the manor wants from them, the hunters at least have each other. it was a very nice touch.

acting, direction, dialogue:

this is the part where episode 3 completely overshadows episode 1. cecile daigo is the star of this stage. she has once again won my heart. when she’s being cold, you’ll feel a chill down your spine. when she’s angry, you’ll physically feel that tension. when she screams and cries, you’ll have your heart sink. her dialogue delivery in any given situation hit in all the right spots. i’m still scared to go rewatch the guillotine scene because it was so incredibly painful to watch the first time.

not only that, but the way they creatively used this open stage which made the play seem so much more idv-like. the way they would place eli on one end of the stage walking in one direction, and mary would be on the other side walking in the opposite direction. or when the lights would follow them around the stage as they sang their duet, OR OR OR the way the actor playing mary’s mirror image would sync perfectly with mary, or even the way eli talks to mary in a soft, calm manner, knowing that she’s going through something very traumatic. it was all so beautifully done. the dialogues themselves were so impactful, we had to rewind some scenes just to appreciate the words properly.

music, costumes, misc:

the music. GOD the music. not only the hunter song, but also the score in the play itself. the fairy-tale like song in the fake world. eli and mary’s duet song. it was all perfect. in the end when mary returns to all the hunters with a change of heart, and ‘acclamation’ plays in the background i actually got teary eyed lmao. just the timing of everything was so spot on.

the costumes, just like the previous stage, were also perfect. mary rocking bloodbath while bride eli mopes in the background. the other characters in their alternate clothing was. something.

also. norton in a tux. phenomenal.

my personal favourite part from the alternate world was the dance, where i lost my shit two times: one, when i saw 0.3 seconds of fiopat and two, when i saw xiefan fist bump.

ty for the fanservice idv stage play.

as a milf enjoyer, i would’ve appreciated more of marymichi but i think this one screen cap alone is enough to fuel me for the next ten years.

gotta appreciate michiko for taking the shot at the start of the play. she missed terribly, but she took a shot and that’s what matters. go get your girl, michiko.

my review could be very extremely biased, though. sorry for ending on this note LOL. i love identity v so so much and i’ve invested myself in these doll characters way too much, so actually getting to watch my favourite characters TALK to each other, be part of each other’s stories, it may have slightly skewed my perception of of the play. of course, it isn’t without faults, but to anyone who loves idv, who loves mary especially, this is a must watch. i genuinely mean the praises i’ve given to this stage play and i do not regret spending my money on this.

i’ll watch the survivor side and the comedy stages eventually and i don’t know if i’ll be making reviews for those but i just had to talk about the hunter side.

thank you so much to the creators of this stage, to all the wonderful talented actors, and a big thank you to the new writers. this was more than i could’ve asked for.

hoping for a stage 4 with mary’s return xx

#identity v #idv #identity v stage #idv stage #idv stage play #cry for the moon #tagging the ships i mentioned for filters:#marymichi #michimary #fiopat #xiefan #metalks

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halfbakedspuds · 6 months ago

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You know, considering that she's portrayed as the kind of person who would disable her own hearing for a little while if someone's voice annoyed her, I'm actually kind of happy that no one picked this. However, that was the lie. As someone who does have to live sans an eye and one of her legs, she's a bit afraid of modifying such an intricate part of her own body so callously for fear of not being able to fix it after.

She does carry around a shotgun in her leg. It's not a big one, more so a single loading pistol that fires shotgun shells than a proper shotgun, but it fits snugly into a compartment in her thigh, and a lot of her clothes have been modified so that she can reach through the pockets and discretely grab it.

And yes, she has punched a Tuitish witchhunter while drunk. It was actually the big reason that she had to flee Angeheim. See, Tuitis and Angeheim have a very skewed perception of magic, believing that although it's a perfectly natural thing to have, it's a crime against humanity to use it, and actively fund witchhunters to hunt and kill anyone guilty of using magic for any reason. She was in a pub, drinking to celebrate a friend's recent marriage when she overheard someone nearby laughing and joking about some 'verminous witch' that they'd killed on one of the surrounding farms and boasting about how cruel their methods had been. Maire- being a mage herself- was understandably beyond livid, and being highly inebriated and consequently without her usual self control, walked right over and began to beat the shit out of that person, only to learn later on that she'd hospitalized the captain-general of the Tuitish witchhunter foreign division.

2 truths 1 lie

Thanks to @orion-lacroix for the tag!

For this one, I'll do Maire Aitkin.

No pressure tag for @illarian-rambling, @pizzamanstan and anyone else who wants in.

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scrimmification · 4 years ago

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taking a self care day and was instantly hit with temptation so u know what. here’s that dhurkemara essay. but it’ll be under a cut because i’m polite like that

the following is some canon facts sprinkled in with mostly my own headcanons and opinions. but i’m right about everything. cw for mentions of trauma and aa6 spoilers.

i should actually start this by saying that i see a lot of polycule dhurke/amara/jove or dhurke/amara/datz and while it is cute i feel a bit weird about using a poly relationship as just a “oh he has two hands” solution to love triangles. not that poly relationships aren’t valid, but it’s usually just people putting characters together without thinking about how the dynamic would even function. as if a polycule is a band-aid solution.

but that’s not important because this essay is about why dhurke and amara should just be friends (post SOJ)

i do not respect capcom or its canon, but here’s a bunch of canonical soj facts that are kinda fucked up; - when nahyuta is born, amara is 19 and dhurke is 20 - when the palace fire breaks out, amara is 21 and dhurke is 22 - there’s a gap of approximately 8 years of time where dhurke thinks amara is dead before they reunite and have rayfa (they’re each around the age of 30 at the time) - there’s a period of time anywhere from 9 months - 1 year that they’re living together again before rayfa and amara are both kidnapped - following this, dhurke never sees his wife ever again

because i have extreme brainrot, i sat down and feasibly considered the amount of time they would’ve been together. like, genuinely face to face together. if you only take into account the numbers the game gives you, then that means out of 25 years of marriage, they only see each other for about 3 of them. i tend to tack on an extra year or so for dating, but that’s still a really short amount of time, with almost all of it being before the palace fire ever happened. not to mention, they married incredibly young, and amara is royalty. typically royal families will push for children to be wed as soon as they come of age.

there’s also the fact that canonically, dhurke was not wealthy to any degree. he mentions in a throw away line having a bunch of weird odd jobs including both farmer and street performer (side note, street performer dhurke is hilarious). considering amara was basically hailed as a goddess by virtue of existing, i kind of doubt they were childhood friends or anything before that. my own hcs for how they met and got married initially tend to fall into a romeo and juliet style of mushy romance. plucky lawyer steals the heart of the queen with his humble charm and promises to whisk her away kind of thing. idk i do actually think they were very in love when they were younger, and maybe like... TOO in love, but my essay and thoughts tend to skew towards characterization through how the two of them grow through their traumas. so let’s just go in order of events here;

the palace fire

i do not care what capcom tries to tell me, dhurke has burns. if amara has a giant chest mark from being in the fire for a very short amount of time, dhurke would have full body burns from literally breaking into and out of a burning building. do you know how hot fire is? it’s fucking hot. it’s also genuinely terrifying. my point is i hc dhurke has some form of pyrophobia.

the years after the palace fire and before rayfa is born aren’t given much canon information, but it is stated that amara is convinced dhurke was out to kill her and willingly lives in the palace outside of the public eye. she’s convinced that dhurke is evil and was trying to kill her for at least twice as long as they were married. that kind of skews your perception of a person, no matter how much you might have once loved them. even if you STILL love them, it’s different. feelings change with time, and i think that’s a really fun thing to explore in fiction.

the rescue/rayfa’s birth

so here’s where i add the drama. just sprinkle it in. there’s a very sneaky line in the game that they kind of slip in during dhurke’s recounting of events around the time rayfa was born, and i have not stopped thinking about it for 2 years.

so plot wise, when apollo presses dhurke about lying about amara being dead, he talks about how he (somehow) got a tip that amara was alive and still being held in the palace. he broke in to save her and potentially run away with her, datz, and and nahyuta into safety, but they add something else in there. dhurke has a moment where he says she didn’t initially believe his innocence. and it’s kind of just played as a joke.

but because i like conflict and i do not write dhurke the same hyper-toxic-masculine way they do in canon because i think Men Should Be Allowed To Have Feelings i thought. man that must fucking suck. everyone in the entire kingdom thinks he’s the devil, and the one person he’s been doing it all for the sake of - his wife - initially doubts his innocence. of course this is obviously an understandable response. she was basically trapped and gaslit for nearly a full decade over an event that nearly cost her her own life (and would have to instead come to terms with the fact her own sister wanted her dead) but like it still. it would still suck to hear that from your spouse?

they were together for under a year, and in this time rayfa was born. this is probably my favorite window of time to explore a dhurke and amara relationship adapting because they would be such different people now. time already effects how you personally grow and adapt, but the kind of horrors they went to would drastically change them both. neither of them would be the same kids they fell in love with, and dhurke had just shipped one of his kids to america in an attempt to protect him. he’d already be down bad, but to have to deal with that, his wife not fully trusting him, nahyuta not knowing their own mother and most likely not trusting her initially, and also an entire pregnancy... that’d be an incredible amount of stress, on top of the fact they’re both living under the law.

(sidebar; because of how weird they had to twist the timeline to make it so apollo was gone before rayfa was born so they never met, i tend to headcanon this as dhurke trying to send both his kids to america to protect them, but not being able to initially send nahyuta because of their royalty status, and it quickly becoming too late.)

something else that confused me was why the hell they’d even have another kid while they’re both trying to save themselves, and that... uh. okay maybe this is an unpopular thing to say in terms of headcanon, but i actually believe rayfa was an accidental birth. like logistically, if you see your wife for the first time in almost a decade, you’re going to do Something. and you don’t have protection in the mountains. i’m just. i’m just saying.

but all of that being said, more than anything, i think they’d still be in love during this point. or more accurately, i think they’d be trying to convince themselves they’re still in love. they wouldn’t be the same people anymore, but the only thing dhurke has left is his family. it’s the thing he’s fighting for, and amara would have just been told she can’t go back to her sister for her own safety. there’s this kind of pressure to stay together for both themselves and their kids. there’s also a part where dhurke implies that the two of them were planning on trying to escape khura’in together and cross country lines before shit hits the fan.

turnabout revolution

so if you’re a coward who actually considers canon, after rayfa and amara get kidnapped, dhurke never sees them again. sure, he gets spirit channeled by amara in the final trial, but he never sees her face to face, or gets a chance to speak with her. if you’re like me and simply refuse to believe your favorite characters die, then that means there’s a 14 year gap between the next time dhurke and amara speak to each other.

what’s the first thing amara does when they see each other again? accuse him of murder.

in fairness, she’s under threat of blackmail to do so. she’s trying to protect both her children at this point, and clearly had a role to play in inga’s murder herself that she doesn’t want to admit to. but at the same time, when apollo reveals that dhurke was actively hiding evidence because he still loved her, she seemed genuinely surprised. this revelation is the thing that gets her to actually go against ga’ran’s plot. there’s also the obvious point of her picking her children’s safety over dhurke’s entire revolution, and what he’s been working on for her sake for most of his life. and honestly I thinks she made the right and most understandable choice. the real part that makes me think they wouldn’t get back together after the events of soj (provided dhurke isn’t an epic ghost guy) is,

amara chooses her own safety over dhurke’s, while dhurke chooses her safety over his own.

dhurke’s a very hopeful character, a very jovial one. throughout all his screen time, there’s no point where he genuinely thinks nahyuta has betrayed him. there’s no point where he thinks apollo isn’t capable of handling the case without him. he clearly cares a lot about his family, and would do anything for them. this includes amara. he’s not asked to hide evidence for her sake, he just does it. at the risk of undermining his entire revolution and destroying it entirely, he tries to hide evidence that’d implicate his wife of murder.

amara’s more of a realist. she doesn’t give up information until she absolutely has to. she doesn’t even admit to loving dhurke until the last moment she’s on screen. the only lines in the game she has as herself are during the trial, and half the time she’s just telling everyone how horrible and awful and terrible her husband was. and again, i must say, this would probably suck to hear.

the aftermath

the country is kind of a little fucked after soj. sure, it ends on a positive note, kind of, but there’s both a lot of political stuff to fix. and a lot of family stuff to fix. dhurke basically has to rebuild his relationship with every single one of his family members (and in rayfa’s case, from scratch). while I do think marriage is important and stuff, I don’t think it’d be... the most important.

what i’m saying is i think they’d be friends. even if they stayed married, they’d have to relearn almost everything about each other. they haven’t seen each other in forever, and also amara just threw dhurke under the bus. that’d sting! i think he’d forgive her for that, but it’d sting. knowing your partner would have willingly let you and your entire cause go up in flames sucks. it all sucks. soj is a very downer aa game.

and also i value m/f friendship a lot. i value older adult relationships a lot. i value exploring unfortunate and uncomfortable themes in learning to grow as a person and dealing with your own trauma a lot. i think there’s a lot to explore in characters like dhurke and amara. alot of people prefer thinking about the relationships between nahyuta and apollo and rayfa as siblings, which is great! but... i don’t know. i really like fictional dads. i like thinking about him getting more time with his kids. i like thinking about amara learning to become a person instead of a revered goddess. i like them becoming real people instead of just figureheads in a political war.

also i think dhurke and datz should kiss because they raised kids together in the mountains for 20 years

#thanks for coming to. something #i think about dead side character so you don't have to #dhurke sahdmadhi #amara sigatar khura'in #soj spoilers

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rosesforshego · 4 years ago

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𝔻𝕣𝕒𝕜𝕘𝕠 𝕆𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕙𝕠𝕥𝕤

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 4: ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴜʀꜱᴇᴅ

Shego was destined to life a life of solitude. It was a prophecy that could not be broken—the will of the Gods could not be quelled, no matter how hard she tried. No matter how many times she extended her green-glowing hand towards outcasts like her, no one graced her singed fingertips with the love she craved. Not even her own brothers—her family.

She wandered the streets alone, guarded, unwilling to let the stone wall she built crumble to her aching feet. She accepted her fate, cursed the Gods that bestowed such a lonely life upon her shoulders, and bellowed into the night, only to wake the next morning alive, but empty. Without a person to call home, Shego relied on herself—and the vacant jail cell—for company. As the arresting officer pried the jewels from her cold hands, she curled into herself on the stone bench, silent tears displacing the dirt caked on her cheeks, yet not a sob was heard. Instead, the loud clank of metal bars echoed in the room, alerting the guards of her departure, but they were too late. Only the tinge of grey smoke bore the evidence to her existence in that jail cell.

Her shadow faded into the night as the cell waved goodbye, awaiting her faithful return.

So, when she was picked up by a kook, self-proclaimed “mad scientist”, Shego rejected his offer of friendship. A victim of her own fear, she maintained a skewed perception of love towards her emotional captor—Stockholm Syndrome, if you will, perpetuated by the black buzz that filled her head with nothing but absolute terror. Every touch, every joke, every evening spent on the velvet couch, popping popcorn into each other’s mouths, Shego felt the cracks in the stone wall grow larger and larger until a loud boom resounded within her mind—an explosion of anger, resentment, terror, and longing—that would force her to retire early for the night, leaving a confused Dr. Drakken on his side of the couch, worried about his “sidekick”.

Shego was never a fan of life. The beauty tormented her with wants and needs that were never attainable. She longed for ideals that laid a smidge out of her reach—taunting her with what she couldn’t have. It was a cruel game. But, as her fingers wrapped around her hot coffee mug in the early morning, the sleepy face of her boss, graced with a loving smile, pulled at her unmoving heart, ripping it from the cold caverns of her chest for him to take for himself.

And she let him.

Late nights turned to early mornings. Failed schemes turned into laughter in the back of the cop car. Promises made were never broken. Smiles were never tarnished. Shego found the companionship she craved and Drakken the same. A hug here, a peck on the cheek there—encounters that both criminals shyed away from turned into emboldened experiences of passion that neither party regretted nor forgot.

So, as Shego’s gloved fingers slipped beneath the damp fabric of his coat, she cursed, once more, to the Heavens—enraged by their alleged betrayal. She let the wall crumble long ago, in good faith, believing that the Gods took pity on her. She was wrong. She was a fool.

Hot tears mingled with sludge that painted her face into a picturesque crimson field of sorrow. She’d have half a mind to wipe away the trails, but her hands remained fixated on the wounds she held within her arms. Her voice, mixed with the growing sound of sirens, echoed in the room—resounding off of the cold walls, filling her ears with the pain she felt deep within her shattered heart.

She sat, alone, on the cold bench. Without him. Embraced by the emptiness of the jail cell that had been awaiting her inevitable return.

#dr drakken #drakken #shego #drakgo #kim possible #kp fanfiction #drakgo fanfiction #drakgo oneshots #drakgo oneshots update

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hellomynameisbisexual · 4 years ago

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I've always been bisexual. Even though like many people I was socialized as a heterosexual and feminine person, my first "sexual awakenings" (those first experiencies of admiration, infatuation and sexual excitation) during my childhood happened with women. As I was at the same time conscious about my attraction to boys, my heterosexual socialization made me give little importance to my fascination with women and the feminine.

After several years—and more unperceived "awakenings"—I noticed that maybe I'd be interested in "being" with a woman. At first I didn't try anything, and when I had non-straight crushes I felt intimidated and very buga* for them. When I had boyfriends, they noticed that I also liked women, but we never talked about it in a straightforward manner. Eventually my first non-buga relationships (sexual, sentimental) happened, with both cisgender women and people outside the binary gender spectrum. Only after I had those experiences I told myself that–finally–I could call myself bisexual.

(*Buga is a jargon used by LGBTQIA communities in Mexico to refer to heterosexual people.)

Nowadays I'm suspicious of talking about my bisexuality with other people, since unfortunately biphobia (the hate and discrimination toward bisexual people) is a real phenomenon (1). Because the bisexual identities are a grayscale in contrast to the "black or white" which implies being straight or homosexual, bisexual people can suffer discrimination, prejudice or invisibility from both of these communities.

Biphobia can be manifested through unintended jokes and lack of credibility, or openly as insults. These type of attitudes negatively affect the mental and emotional well-being of bisexual people, especially among younger bisexuals who report more mental issues (anxiety, depression, stress, higher rates of suicide) than both heterosexuals and homosexuals (gays and lesbians) (2).

In many cases, biphobia is a product of a lack of information. Below you can read more about some of the most common questions, myths, and facts about bisexuality.

What exactly is bisexuality?

Bisexuality is a type of sexual orientation. Sexual orientation refers to those towards whom we feel attraction (affective, sexual, emotional). Some sexual orientations examples include: heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality, pansexuality, and more.

The bisexual orientation is defined as having attraction towards more than one gender (3); it is a more fluid and open idea, subject to variations between different people who call themselves bisexual.

Not all people define their bisexuality in an identical way, and not all people attracted towards more than one gender call themselves bisexual.

Is bisexuality only a phase?

No. It's normal that many homosexual people go through a exploration period while they are learning to understand where their attraction lies. However, that doesn't mean bisexuality is always a phase prior to homosexuality (4). For many people, feeling attracted to other people of various genders it is a serious and stable preference (5).

Being bisexual does not always means that an attraction towards more than one gender is divided 50-50 evenly, or even 40-60, in a consistent preference. There are some for whom it is mostly–but not exclusively–attraction to one gender (6). But there are also those for whom attraction changes with time and according to certain contexts (7). This category of fluidity is not expected–at least in the beginning–from monosexual orientations.

These types of false beliefs have been facilitated by scientific research. Many studies on bisexuality have been focused on monosexual perspectives (heterosexual and/or homosexual), skewing the results to misrepresent the experience of bisexual people (8). It has also been wrongly suggested that bisexuality is an incomplete orientation, as if it was only a mere transition to homosexuality (9).

Do bisexual people like it "both ways" because they have an insatiable sexual appetite?

No. Someone’s orientation does not define anyone's sexual appetite. Bisexuality itself doesn't make someone promiscuous, unfaithful or untrustworthy. This myth is a product of monosexism: the belief that people should have only one sole sexual identity and only one type of sexual behaviour towards one gender or defined sex (10).

Monosexism also assumes monogamy is the norm (11). To impose monosexism as a sole social norm applicable to everyone leads (consciously or indirectly) to the belief that another more fluid sexuality can be a threat or an anomaly, and harder to control.

The assumption that bisexuality is an abnormal preference or that bisexual people are without self control can create false narratives that subject this orientation to be hypersexualized; it can make people think that bisexual people "choose" this orientation in order to have more options of where to find potential partners. It is harmful to project sexual fantasies onto bisexual people (or onto any other orientation) without their consent, as if they were only an instrument to satisfy fantasies for others.

In my experience, it’s been very irritating when people assume that being bisexual translates to the equal possibility of being willing to "do it all".

Am I bisexual if I also feel attraction towards transgender or non-binary people?

Generally speaking, yes. Some people think that the prefix "bi" means that bisexuality is the attraction towards only two cis/binary genders ("man" or "woman"). There are indeed those who live their orientation this way, but bisexuality–understood as the attraction to people of more than one gender–can also be extended to people with gender identities way beyond the binary and cis gender spectrum.

With that in mind, it’s also worth noting that not all people who feel attraction to more than one gender call themselves bisexuals for many reasons (stigma, culture, lack of information available, etc.). There are non-monosexual orientations, for example pansexuality (the attraction to people without considering their gender identity), whose definitions can sound very similar to bisexuality (12); in those cases, the decision to call oneself bisexual, pansexual or of any other term is a much more personal question that depends on how we feel and how we define ourselves individually.

Do I stop being bisexual if I start a romantic relationship with someone of the "opposite" gender?

No. This myth is due to the false idea that bisexuality is only an "experimentation" phase before things "get serious" and back to a stable heterosexual relationship (a common case among people socialized as women) (13). It is also possible to be in a monosexual relationship in which each person keeps their distinct sexual orientation.

There are internalized feelings of biphobia common to bisexual people when they decide to start a romantic relationship that can be perceived as monosexual. These feelings often occur similarly to the fear that a partner of monosexual orientation wouldn't understand the bisexuality of the other (14). In other cases, it might be easy for others (family, friends, social circles) to assume that the bisexual people's orientation changes or disappears depending on the current partner (15).

Even though the sexual orientation of anyone can change throughout life, it's much healthier when those decisions are made individually, without biphobic stereotypes and without the pressure of others’ perceptions.

Can I be bisexual if I haven't had sex or a relationship outside the heterosexual spectrum?

Of course! Nobody is obligated to offer "proof" of one's bisexuality. Being conscious that someone's sexual orientation can be bisexual is enough. Our sexual orientation may not be cast in stone for the rest of our lives, so it's completely valid to be going through a phase of exploration or questioning without the need to "make a decision" for the rest of our lives, or to clearly define our orientation within a label.

Non-heterosexual experiences, either sexual, affective or social, often times are facilitated (or repressed) by the context in which we live, by our social or familiar relationships, by the complexity of our tastes and individual necessities, by the access (or lack thereof) to different sexual diversities and cultures, and also by a safe environment, free from harassment, judgment, and marginalization.

It's important to keep in mind that there aren’t always comfortable and safe environments for the open exploration of any non-heterosexual orientation; sometimes there are circumstances in which prioritizing one’s physical and emotional well-being requires keeping oneself in the closet—which is also valid. In any case, whatever the context, not having non-heterosexual experiences with others does not mean that someone’s internal thoughts should be suppressed. I fell into this trap and only called myself bisexual once I had my first non-heterosexual experiences, even though my whole life I have been thinking that.

Clarifying doubts and obtaining sexual information free of bias and stigma can make a critical difference in the quality of life of those marginalized by their sexuality.

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pennylogue · 5 years ago

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thoughts on some details in prickly pear. mostly steven’s arc, because that’s where we all are with this show right now, don’t deny:

-remember when people (including me) thought that steven gardening would be a healthy effort to reconnect with his humanity, only for it to be crashed by his cactus?

steven: “me time? i’m hardly alone! look at all of these plants that i’ve sublimated my unceasing need to care for other people into! isn’t it great how they, unlike sapient beings, won’t leave me?”

-like i’ve seen so many parallels drawn between his behavior and white diamond’s behavior in this episode, it would take forever to list them all. but needless to say, it’s extremely unnerving. he wants a perfect, stagnant little world where he’s in control of everything and that is not by any means okay.

but like, i’m so here for it. they are breaking steven down thoroughly and from six different directions, and it’s absolutely fantastic. hey, we got this with like...every other significant character. that’s why they’re such good characters. and it plays into steven’s identity issues, which is just...delicious. this is such a toxic whirlpool, and it’s really getting to him.

-and another gem appearance goes by with me screaming at the gems as they exit to stage an intervention, to please don’t go, stay back and force him to accept the help he thinks he doesn’t want and doesn’t know how to ask for.

-steven is bothered by how the gems aren’t “impressed”. not only is this a massive misread of what’s going on, it’s kind of an interesting insight into steven. dude hasn’t felt like he had to impress the gems in literally seasons...probably because he was doing something important at the time, and felt like he was a part of the crystal gems. that he had a purpose. it all circles back, huh?

-and he wants approval, so of course he goes to the gems, and they give it to him. and it’s fucking cute, if a little worrying that he’s still so heavily depending on magical qualities to get approval from the gems.

-steven needs a fucking therapist. dude says how great the beach is because it never changes (which is also just...not true, beaches change constantly because that’s how nature works, HUH) and then starts venting to a sapient cactus. honey.

-steven, paraphrased: “who am i to decide what’s best for everyone? everyone’s better off learning from the rest of the crystal gems. i used to be helpful, but nobody needs me anymore. Hhhh, why, do I need to be needed!? Steven, pull it together!”

ho boy we got some shit to unpack there. @fanfoolishness has compared steven to a shark that needs to keep swimming or it’ll drown, so here we have the shark being told to stop swimming. as far as steven’s subconscious is concerned, despite him factually knowing he’s gotta chill, he can’t stop swimming. he’s gotta keep it together so he’ll be available when, not if, people need help. and if they won’t ask for help, he’ll project his own issues into them. he can’t stop. he knows that, he’s so sure of it.

if he does--he’ll drown.

-”hhh, i’m so sorry to dump this on you.” leave it to steven to apologize for venting to a cactus.

-”and he said my name.” god pearl i love you so much.

-steven’s thoughts manifesting as something that hurts to touch. HMMMM...

-steven has such skewed perceptions of how his moms are gonna react, it’s actually painful. pearl wouldn’t fall apart on him, because she’s grown past that. amethyst and garnet would want to help him, not give him haughty advice--and if he made it clear that’s how it was coming off, they would try to change their behavior. but steven can’t criticize them. he locks all his negative thoughts about others away and lets them eat at him. combine that with him being needed to therapist people to help them = they can’t grow without them, combine that with amethyst being so obviously happy and satisfied and mature to the point where she’s trying to help him when he used to help her...

ho boy.

-i’ve seen people draw parallels to pink’s behavior when he boxes off the cactus for trying to spill his secrets. tbh, this is how i see pink. flailing and following through on misguided instincts. it sucks to see steven going down this road...in that case, it’s good that he can notice how messed up they are and take a second look at them before it’s too late. boy’s messed up, but he’s not as messed up as rose quartz. HOORAY.

*pathetic little burst of confetti*

-”why’d you stay all this stuff? why’d?

“oh you know why’d.”

it’s that kind of thing where you can admit your feelings to yourself...but you can’t look at them too closely, right? they’re too ugly. but he knows they’re there.

-and of course he doesn’t want help from amethyst. not when it comes with the possibility of pity. and he does not want pity, remember? he’s not pitiful! there’s nothing wrong with him!

-the gem’s being worried about steven...like, you gotta understand, his first priority is for the gems to not be worried about anything. so if they’re worried about him, that’s him screwing up as bad as he could screw up.

-steven springs from worry over cactus steven to anger in the time it takes for cactus steven to say “what’s wrong with you!” HONEY.

-“i wish you wouldn’t talk!” yeah it really sucks when your toxic feelings can’t be easily suppressed and shut down, despite the fact that boxing up feelings causes them to become warped and twisted and it’s only when you let them out into the open they can grow and blossom properly and then leave you.

oh wait.

-so steven maybe thought he had diamond mode on lockdown. or more likely, he’s just too angry to care. like, when you’re angry, you don’t care about lashing out. you don’t care about the terrible things you’re saying...until you’re not angry anymore. and then you care. if you’re steven, you care too much.

wonder if diamond mode was what gave cactus steven that extra jolt to grow so much?

-the slow, careful way steven sets cactus steven down as soon as pearl calls him is. just. so worrying.

-IT LITERALLY BREAKS OUT BECAUSE IT CAN’T STAY LOCKED UP ANYMORE, IT’S TOO BIG AND ANGRY.

-steven slicing up cactus steven with that shield is...probably one of the most violent uses we’ve seen of his shield.

-”why don’t you come back in, oh, let’s say, a couple of hours, for ne reason whatsoever?” su has no patience for sitcom rules XD

-amethyst, at cactus steven: “cool.” they aren’t going to attack his thoughts on sight, even if they seem strange. it’s only when cactus lashes out that they’re going to fight it.

-sweet, sweet catharsis. look how surprised the gems are when cactus repeats all the things steven has said. feels good to have some of this steam let out of the boiling teakettle that it steven universe right now.

-on one hand, steven has to embrace his dark thoughts and let himself get feel the pain of them so they can finally make peace with him, turn into something better, and leave.

on a less metaphorical perspective, though, this does feel a lot like old su in a worrying way. steven has to help someone else be okay, even if it means he takes collateral damage. sure, this time the negative feelings were on him, but to me, it feels like it’s not going to shake steven out of caretaker mode in the way that he obviously needs to.

like, he learned to be less aggressive towards people who don’t deserve it, but i don’t feel like he’s learned to...you know...not repress everything so that doesn’t happen. what, is he just going to try to contain his emotions even harder?

-like, you could take that closing line two ways. “I think i’ve said enough.” one way, he could be looking at all of this collateral damage and decided he’s gonna zip up even more. but also, i’ve seen @faelapis say that steven thinks enough of his inner thoughts have been put out into the world that there’s no going back, and this is him acknowledging it.

it could be either. it could be both. who the hell knows.

-god but seriously that depressed way he says “i think i’ve said enough.” a hand to zach calliston, who’s voice acting this season has been ludicrously good.

-but wow, this episode went heavy into steven. i feel like even after all this, i’ve not really managed to sum up the turmoil that’s rolling around inside of him. identity issues, self-loathing, controlling behavior, misplaced aggression and violence, inability to process change, not wanting to inconvenience those he cares about with his problems, it’s a wonderfully balanced cocktail where each issue brings out the worst in the other issues.

he’s getting dragged downwards by it, and he needs an intervention. cause there’s no digging himself out of this on his own.

-like the entirety of steven universe, yeah, he was getting traumatized. season 4 and season 5 were especially brutal. we all knew it. we all joked about.

i just didn’t, you know, expect them to address it in canon.

#su #su future #su spoilers #su meta #steven unvierse #steven universe future #character analysis #character reference #*wraps myself in a soothing blanket of steven angst*#yum

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secretlyatargaryen · 4 years ago

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Tyrion and Zuko: Puppets Dancing on Strings

This is part two of a series comparing these characters. Click here to read part one.

"The seven-faced god has cheated me," he said. "My noble sire he made of purest gold, and gold he made my siblings, boy and girl. But I am formed of darker stuff, of bones and blood and clay, twisted into this rude shape you see before you."

The above quote is from one of the most meta-textual moments in the ASOIAF series. In Essos, Arya witnesses a play portraying the events of the series from a very skewed viewpoint. It’s Lannister propaganda, and Tyrion is portrayed as a Richard III-esque villain in contrast to his father and siblings of “purest gold.”

Similarly, ATLA also shows its awareness of its own narrative in the episode “The Ember Island Players,” in which the gaang witnesses a play of the events of their adventures. This play is Fire Nation propaganda, and portrays Zuko in the most negative light, as incompetent and then eventually killed as the villain of the story.

What these two moments in each narrative show us is not only both series’ meta-textual awareness, but also serves as a commentary on the story and characters from within. By the time we see this episode in ATLA, Zuko has joined the gaang and so we are inclined to sympathize with him and see the portrayal as skewed. In ASOIAF, the last time we have seen Tyrion is after he has been exiled from King’s Landing, and we know that the propaganda put forth is specifically meant to villainize him and portray him in the most inaccurate way possible, as we also know that he was not guilty of the crime of which he was accused.

What’s also interesting about the play, though, is that the words said by the Tyrion character mirror the fascist ideology of House Lannister and identify what marks Tyrion as separate from them. This fascist ideology is also present in the Fire Nation and is the reason for Zuko’s conflict with his family.

This article discusses the “fascist aesthetic” and how it often appears in science fiction and fantasy narratives, as well as its use in ASOIAF/GOT. It’s common with villains, who usually also represent a fascist ideology, but, as the article points out, it can also crop up with heroic narratives in some insidious ways.

Fascist art depicts, in Sontag’s words, “unlimited aspiration toward the high mystic goal, both beautiful and terrifying.” It “celebrate[s] the rebirth of the body and of community, mediated through the worship of an irresistible leader.” It focuses on “the contrast between the clean and the impure, the incorruptible and the defiled, the physical and the mental, the joyful and the critical.” It fetishizes “the holding in or confining of force; military precision.” Its characteristic subject matter is “vivid encounters of beautiful male bodies and death.” In short, fascist art depicts the perfected, disciplined body in service of the perfected, disciplined state. Its aesthetic principles are, in visual terms, clean geometric lines, chiseled physiques, and slow motion; and in musical terms, brass fanfares, pounding drumbeats, and pipe organs. Its moral principles are strength, skill, obedience, order, joyful submission, and apocalyptic dissolution… and it’s this last that really set it apart from other aesthetics that glorify strength (of which, to be sure, there are plenty to go around).

Both the Fire Nation and the Lannisters embody these fascist aesthetics, as well as fascist ideologies. To understand what I mean by fascist ideologies, and how that ties into fascist aesthetics, look here:

Common themes among fascist movements include; nationalism (including racial nationalism), hierarchy and elitism, militarism, quasi-religion, masculinity and philosophy. Other aspects of fascism such as its "myth of decadence", anti‐egalitarianism and totalitarianism can be seen to originate from these ideas. These fundamental aspects however, can be attributed to a concept known as "Palingenetic ultranationalism", a theory proposed by Roger Griffin, that fascism is a synthesis of totalitarianism and ultranationalism sacralized through myth of national rebirth and regeneration. (source)

A lot of fantasy fiction uses these ideas as shorthand for villainy, even just using the aesthetic without a particular ideology behind it, but in both ASOIAF and ATLA we see both fascist aesthetics and fascist ideologies. Both House Lannister and the Fire Nation royal family have an obsession with national honor, pride, and debt. Both are capable of unspeakable cruelty in the name of superiority. Both also follow this narrative of rebirth which is upheld by Tywin when he restores House Lannister to a terrifying state of glory after his father’s disgrace, and Ozai when he tries to become the phoenix king. Both also have a frightening obsession with perfection, which is the heart of Tyrion and Zuko’s traumatic relationships with their families.

The above linked article on fascist aesthetics discusses Tyrion as a character who challenges fascist aesthetics, not just due to the fact that he has a congenital disability but because of the traits that make up his character.

The real challenge to fascist aesthetics comes from the series’ unperfected bodies. Some bodily abnormalities can be reconciled with fascist narratives — Jaime pretty clearly loses his hand just so that he can, through agonized struggle, climb the mountain, touch the peak, and reclaim his status as a perfected instrument of death. Brienne’s harped-on ugliness is there so that we can focus on her bodily perfection in terms of skill and strength. Varys’ castration is tied in with his utter dedication to serving the realm — the fascist body needs to be disciplined and perfect, but in all three of these cases bodily imperfections are just opportunities for more and further discipline. But the same can’t be said of Tyrion. He is quite precisely undisciplined. He drinks to excess. He likes his food. He has sex — he doesn’t make love, he has sex, and often, and never in idealized terms. He pisses. I don’t remember whether he shits or not, but others shit in his presence. He cracks jokes. He loses his temper and alienates his friends. All of this brings in the spirit of the carnival and the grotesque, which is the mortal enemy of fascist self-seriousness.

Here I discuss Zuko’s attempt to fit into a fascist aesthetic which is introduced only to be undercut in the narrative pretty early on - Zuko, despite the appearance he wants to project, is decidedly undisciplined - and then slowly eroded as his character undergoes a change. Tyrion undergoes some similar costume changes, going from proudly wearing his Lannister colors to wearing clothes that are not his own while in exile and having a crisis of identity. Tyrion’s dwarfism, like Zuko’s scar, is something that marks him as the unperfected, as it is something that he cannot change about himself even if he changes his appearance.

Both House Lannister and the Fire Nation royal family also embody fascist ideologies on a personal level within their own family structure.

Warning for in-depth discussion of abuse below.

At the beginning of ASOIAF we get the sense of Tyrion as someone who was fairly directionless. This post speculates about what Tyrion’s life may have been like pre-series. He’s the son of a wealthy lord and technically the heir, although the unspoken truth - until Tyrion’s conversation with his father in ASOS - is that Tywin will never let him inherit Casterly Rock, and indeed Tyrion was never treated as the heir, which is why Tyrion realizes during that conversation that it was something he “must have always known.” Tywin sees Tyrion as unsuitable to inherit because of his dwarfism, but cites other traits - real and imagined - as reasons why he will never let his son inherit. But the kicker here is that a lot of this is stuff that Tywin created and nurtured. Tywin creates Tyrion’s complex with regard to sex workers and then treats it as a sign of inherent weakness. He dismisses Tyrion’s intelligence as “low cunning.” He humiliates and belittles his son in private and in public, and then treats Tyrion’s justified frustration and anger as if it is a natural state that reinforces his unworthiness. Tywin’s abuse of Tyrion is systematic, punctuated by brutal violence but also infused with subtle gaslighting, to the point where Tyrion internalizes this belief.

This is strikingly similar to what Ozai does to Zuko, who is similarly directionless at the beginning of his story, removed from succession, and on an impossible mission to chase the Avatar, who hasn’t been seen in a hundred years. There are many points in the series, in the flashbacks to his childhood, in how Zuko thinks about his father, and in his relationship with Azula, that tell me that Zuko’s banishment was not just the result of one incident of defiance (and I will talk more on the actual incident of Zuko’s banishment later). It was the result of years of failing to live up to his father’s impossible standards of perfection. There is something in Zuko from even his earliest childhood that is abhorrent to Ozai’s fascistic worldview. Zuko’s inability to be as good at bending as his sister - and what’s worse, his younger sister - his emotional nature, displayed both positively (shown in his love for his mother and his tendency towards nonviolence in the flashbacks), and negatively (displays of frustration and anger which show a lack of control), and his inability to control himself when he speaks out in the war council, all of these things mark him as imperfect and therefore weak. And Ozai’s response to this is to put everything into his other child, grooming her as his true heir, while treating Zuko in a way that only reinforces the perception that Zuko is unworthy. Zuko absolutely believes this about himself at the beginning of the series.

Zuko: You're like my sister. Everything always came easy to her. She's a firebending prodigy, and everyone adores her. My father says she was born lucky; he says I was lucky to be born.

The way that Ozai scars Zuko during the agni kai that results in his banishment is an outward physical manifestation of Zuko’s (perceived) imperfection. The difference is that while Tyrion’s physical imperfection - his dwarfism - was something he was born with that caused Tywin to perceive it as a symbol of all that was inherently wrong with Tyrion’s character, Ozai scars Zuko to make what he sees as Zuko’s flawed character appear outward for all to see. Both these things stem from the same source, or rather, the same two things, inextricably linked: pride and shame.

Iroh: Pride is not the antidote to shame, but its source.

I’ve written a lot about how Lannisters are obsessed with shame, because Lannisters are obsessed with pride. This is shown symbolically in their association with Lions (”Hear Me Roar”) and the colors red and gold. The Fire Nation colors are also red and gold, evoking royalty and strength, plus the added symbology of fire, which actually is also associated with the Lannisters. Game of Thrones made good use of this imagery as well to show the Lannisters’ power in King’s Landing:

Compare to the Fire Lord throne in ATLA:

This is all part of the fascist aesthetic, of course. Both ATLA and ASOIAF acknowledge that fire can have other, less destructive meanings as well. More on that later.

Aside from the history of constant emotional abuse, Tyrion and Zuko also have a striking parallel in what is the most traumatic moment of either of their lives. For Zuko, it’s when his father burns and scars him during the agni kai. For Tyrion, this is when his father forces him to participate in Tysha’s abuse. These two acts are horrifically similar in their motive, the way they are carried out by the abuser, and what they were designed to do to the victim. They also both happen when the victim is thirteen years old, an age when children start to begin their long journey to adulthood, but still have far to go before they can be considered separate from their parents.

Upon first viewing the scene where Zuko's father challenges him to an agni kai, it's framed as being about honor, and Zuko refuses to fight his father on the grounds that it would be dishonorable, but that's exactly why Ozai challenges him in the first place. Because Zuko has already challenged his father by speaking out against him in the war council, and this is the point of Ozai's lesson. He is saying to his son, you have no honor and no right to challenge me, in any and all ways. I control you. And when you look at it after viewing the entirety of the history of abuse in that family, it becomes something deeper than just being about honor and it's not even about what Zuko did. Because the constant dynamic in that family was one in which Zuko was repeatedly dominated and taught that he was inferior. And the way it's framed by Ozai, as being about regaining lost honor, is a lie. Because in Ozai's eyes, Zuko never had any honor to begin with, and that's what he shows him by burning him and scarring him. In that context, Zuko was never going to be able to stand up to Ozai, and it becomes less about a child refusing to fight his father and more about a child too terrified and downtrodden to even know how to stand up to his father while his father mutilated him. Ozai knows this and does it deliberately, which makes the whole thing even more horrifying. And at face value, it initially appears that Ozai's burning of Zuko is much more violent and motivated by anger than Tywin's abuse of Tyrion, but realizing the dynamics at play here and realizing that Zuko would have never been able to fight back and that Ozai deliberately intended it that way, this makes it a much more cold, calculating attack on his son in the context of a lifetime of convincing his son not only of his own inherent unworthiness, but that Zuko was actually to blame for it. Which makes Ozai very like Tywin in his calculated cruelty, his ability to convince his victims that he is right and all-powerful, and his campaign of dehumanization against his own son.

Similarly, when Tywin forces Tyrion to watch and participate in the gang rape of Tysha, his first love - raping Tyrion as well in the process - he frames it in the context of honor/shame/pride. He tells Tyrion that this is a lesson about marrying below his station, and manipulates Tyrion into believing it. I’ve written a lot about Tyrion and Tysha on my blog so I’m not going to rehash all that. What I am going to say is that these two incidents, both violations of their victims’ bodily autonomy, are horrifically similar in their ability to convince their victims that they were the cause of the abuse, and unfortunately in the ASOIAF fandom there are a lot of people who seem to believe that Tyrion is at fault. The difference, I suppose, is that Tysha was also abused, whereas Zuko’s action of defiance hurt no one but himself, but I would argue similarly that Tyrion had no possible way to stand up to Tywin; that, similarly to the impossible situation of the agni kai that Ozai puts Zuko in, it would not have mattered whether he had fought back or cowered in fear. The purpose is to ensure that the victim believes that the abuser is the one in control. The effect is an inability for the victim to trust their own judgments and perceptions, thus keeping them dependent upon the abuser. We see this in the way that both Zuko and Tyrion have internalized the guilt of what was done to them. Both of their narratives hinge on unlearning what their fathers have taught them in the most violent way possible.

And all this creates a never-ending cycle of shame. Tywin and Ozai attacked their sons because of perceived weakness which was seen as a shameful reflection of their own self image, because of the intolerance of any sort of imperfection in both men’s worldview.

We don't actually get a whole lot of characterization of Ozai as a person. What we get is mostly through others, how he treats his son, how he treats his daughter. But another way that we can understand Ozai and learn more about the dynamic in that family is through Iroh.

Iroh is a character who we are introduced to as something of a mirror to what Zuko could be. While Zuko is indoctrinated into the Fire Nation ideology, Iroh has already undergone his transformation from star general to the wise mentor and guiding light that he tries to be for Zuko by the time the story begins. And Iroh's story is one that is firmly opposed to the fascist belief in superiority and particularly, military greatness. Iroh is another example of the unperfected, both physically and mentally, although it might be more accurate to say he is the once-perfected. Iroh's biggest tragedy is his military disgrace following the death of his son, who he loved deeply. Even before this occurrence, though, Iroh is identified as weak by both Ozai and Azula, and this is used by Ozai to usurp him in the line of inheritance. But it's his emotional breakdown after his son's death that really cements him as a character opposed to the fascist ideology, because it's a firmly anti-war, anti-imperialist message. An acknowledgment that you can have all the power in the world and still lose what is most valuable to you. By the time we see him in the series, he is fat and elderly, kind to even his enemies, makes clear both his love for his son and his love for his nephew, and indulges in simple pleasures, like tea and pai sho. He's a pretty identifiable "good" character, although he does sometimes enable and justify Zuko's bad actions, particularly in the first season.

There are several characters who I see as parallel to Iroh in Tyrion’s narrative. One is Tytos, the father that Tywin despised and sought to distance himself from due to his weakness, who dies fat and old and disgraced and informs much of Tywin’s ruthlessness, and whom Tywin projects onto his son. Another is Gerion, laughing, kind, something of a mentor to Tyrion before his disappearance. The third is Jaime, who, like Iroh, is an older figure who tries to protect Tyrion but who can’t protect him entirely, partially due to a certain aloofness of personality. Tyrion also has the moment in ASOS where he rejects Jaime’s apology with the Tysha revelation and by the end of that chapter identifies himself as Tywin “writ small,” while Zuko has the moment under Ba Sing Se where he rejects Iroh’s advice and chooses to side with Azula instead. Both are morally gray actions tied to the abuse and gaslighting the characters have experienced. Tyrion feels betrayed by Jaime because of Jaime’s role in what happened with Tysha, while Zuko is pretty clearly manipulated by Azula.

Another similar familial relationship is Zuko and Azula and Tyrion and Cersei. Both Tyrion and Zuko are abused by their sisters, who are cruel, ambitious, and totally subsumed by the fascist ideology of their fathers, and who abuse their brothers out of a sense of identifying with their abuser.

One of the main differences between Tyrion and Cersei’s relationship and Zuko and Azula’s relationship is that Tyrion is MUCH more capable of seeing through Cersei’s manipulations than Zuko is, and I feel like that has to do with the gap between their ages. Although Zuko is the older sibling, Azula is much more dominant than him and the closeness in their ages makes that much more personal.

I’ve talked before about Cersei’s abuse of Tyrion and why it’s important to recognize that she is abusive to him and his negative actions towards her are not equal to her abuse of him, and one of the things that highlights that is that there is such a wide age gap between them. I’m looking at this partially from the perspective of someone with an older brother and sister with a similar age gap (and a younger brother who is much more closer to my age). And when I was a kid I tended to see my older siblings as other adults that lived in my house. I am close to my siblings and we never had a hostile relationship - although I did feel somewhat jealous of my sister growing up - but I am much closer to my sister now as an adult than I was when I was younger, and we have a much more equal relationship. But given Tyrion’s lack of non-abusive adult authority figures in his life, Cersei’s treatment of him becomes a reinforcement of Tywin’s abuse, and that’s why his hostility to her is not equal to her hostility towards him.

Zuko and Azula’s relationship is different. He is an older sibling but because of their closeness in age, they experienced abuse in the form of Ozai pitting them against each other. Tyrion and Cersei have a similar intense rivalry but it’s much less personal and much less tied to shared childhood trauma. And it’s the fact that for Zuko and Azula, that trauma is shared and experienced together, that makes it easier for Azula to manipulate Zuko and play on his inability to trust his own perceptions even though he definitely doesn’t trust her.

I also think it’s a difference in personality. Tyrion’s much more extroverted and analytical which makes him much more able to question Tywin and his sister despite Tywin’s repeated gaslighting and despite the fact that it does often work. One of the things that Tyrion and Zuko have in common is that they simultaneously realize that their family’s beliefs and especially the way their family has treated them is wrong, yet they also consistently internalize those beliefs. Yet Tyrion never feels inferior to his sister the way Zuko feels inferior to Azula, and I feel like that has to do with Zuko’s tendency to internalize more and withdraw inward.

Another difference would be that whereas Azula is the star sibling to Zuko’s disappointing sibling, Jaime plays that role for both Tyrion and Cersei.

Finally, both Tyrion and Zuko have moments of calling out their abusive fathers on their bullshit. Zuko has the one central moment of speaking out against his father’s ruthless military strategy with disastrous results when he is thirteen. Similarly, there are several moments in ASOIAF where Tyrion calls his father out on his ruthlessness and Tywin rebuffs him with gaslighting and plausible deniability. Both Ozai and Tywin are masters at gaslighting, and it takes a long time for both Tyrion and Zuko to be able to resist. However, both Tyrion and Zuko have similar moments of declaring independence from their fathers.

And I’ll talk about that in part three, which will focus on recovery, resolution, and redemption.

#tyrion lannister #valyrianscrolls #avatar the last airbender #zuko #atla meta #asoiaf meta #abuse cw #house lannister #the fire nation #rape cw

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justacouplebandfics · 4 years ago

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We’ve got scars on our future hearts (Jalex) - Chapter 3

Description: Alex dealt with self harm when he was younger, that’s over now though- he’s better, until he’s not. Struggling with the idea of self harming as an adult Alex keeps the issue to himself, but living on a tour bus with your band there’s only so long you can keep something a secret.

Warning: Contains graphic descriptions of self harm

It’s also available here on Wattpad, and you can find the masterlist here.

Alex's POV

The show went great, well, in my mind it went great. The alcohol slightly numbing my system might be skewing my perception. Jack seemed a bit on edge, understandably- but it looked like he hadn't told any of the guys. We all joked around, Jack joining in occasionally but mostly staying on the side lines, the crowd all seemed super into it- if there was any visible animosity between me and Jack they definitely didn't pick up on it.

"Damn Alex, what'd you get up to this afternoon?" Rian asks as we all walk back towards the tour bus "I've not seen you that pumped in while."

I think about it for a moment- telling them I was solo drinking in the middle of the day is probably a bit of a red flag, especially after this morning with Jack. But I don't have to completely lie "I found this Mexican restaurant in town, they serve you a beer with each taco- I guess I just kinda lost count a bit" I laugh.

Rian joins in "Does this mean you're coming out with us tonight then?" I look over at him, and Zack behind him looking on expectantly.

"Yeah I guess so!" I say without really thinking. I'm not sure more drinking is the best thing for me right now, I should probably take the evening to process what's happened today, but before I can revaluate Rian and Zack are already running towards the bus to take the first shower, leaving me with Jack.

I hear his footsteps stop falling in line with mine and turn around to see him standing still staring at me, we make eye contact and the tension is unbearable- neither of us want to speak first but we both know something needs to be said. With the remaining liquid courage in my system I decide I'll break the silence "What?" It comes out a lot harsher than I intended, and I cringe internally as his face drops a bit.

"What do you mean 'What?', I understand that you don't like talking to people about your problems Alex but I'm not okay with that- I'm not comfortable just pretending this morning didn't happen"

I can feel the same uncontrollable wave of emotions building inside me as earlier, but I try to push it down and diffuse the situation "Jack, I know I flew off the handle a bit earlier, and I'm sorry- I shouldn't have done that. But what you saw isn't anything to worry about. They're old blades, I honestly forgot they were in there- I'm fine" I tell him, putting on a smile. Nice, nailed that.

But Jack doesn't think so "That doesn't add up and you know it, don't lie to me."

So much for controlling the emotions- words start coming out of my mouth before I have a chance to think about them "Can you just stop Jack? I don't need this pity, and I don't want it- I didn't ask for you to go rooting around in my stuff this morning." Jack looks taken aback, and before I can stop it "Just leave me the fuck alone."

I turn and start walking to the tour bus, the moment the words left my mouth I regretted them, but I'm still so consumed with emotion that I don't know how to process that, let alone rectify it. Fuck it, maybe getting wasted is exactly what I need.

Jack's POV

Alex is drunk- not regular Alex-letting-off-steam drunk, not even first-record-deal-party drunk, Alex is beyond wasted. Sure- it's a laugh, and I'm sure if this morning hadn't happened I'd be right there alongside him, but it wouldn't be happening at all if this morning hadn't happened.

Me and a few of the crew are standing a bit off to the side, nearer the bar so the music is just quiet enough that you can have a conversation if you really try. They're talking about some show that's just come out, I smile and nod in what I think are the right places, not really trying to hear what they're saying- I think they're mostly involving me in the conversation to be polite anyway, I'm much too focussed on Alex.

He's out in the middle of the dance floor surrounded by the guys, he looks like he's having the time of his life- but every now and then he stops just for a moment and he gets this blank look on his face, but as soon as it comes he's right back into it. Maybe I'm reading too deep into it- maybe it's just because he's drunk, but there's something about it that just doesn't sit right with me.

I decide I'm not doing myself any good by watching him and go out to the smoking area, I don't even really want a cigarette, I just want some fresh air and a clear head. I light one up anyway and lean against the barrier, taking some deep breaths- I think about how to talk to Alex without him blowing up on me again. I was a little hurt by what he said earlier but the rational part of me knows he didn't mean it, he's just overwhelmed, he doesn't know how to handle what he's going through. I'm disrupted from my thoughts when a group of girls come out into the smoking area, all loud giggles and screams- I give them a smile and quickly finish my smoke, stubbing it out and heading inside. I'll take pounding music over drunken screams any day.

It takes a minute but I find the group again, they've moved off the dance floor and are now over by the bar- I notice there's no Alex.

"Where's Alex?" I ask Matt, not caring how desperate it sounds.

"Oh dude you just missed it!" He laughs "The kid was wasted, threw up all over Rian's shoes and started babbling on about how sorry he was for everything"

"I tried to tell him it's just a pair of trainers, I can get them cleaned but he didn't seem to get it" Rian adds, I look down to see him in just his socks, shoes kicked off to one side and looking definitely worse for wear.

"So where is he?" I ask again.

"On his way back to the bus, I guess he must've got all the booze out of his system when he threw up on Rian 'cus he was with it enough to call an Uber"

"You let him go on his own?" I shouted.

"Dude chill, Zack offered to go but he was adamant he was fine- seriously once he quit the crying he seemed pretty sober."

None of this was sitting right with me at all, something about Alex's behaviour was just so wrong. "I'm gonna go back too, I'll see you guys later" I told them, not waiting for a response before I started jogging towards the exit.

Alex's POV

I stumble onto the bus, throwing my jacket down on the sofa- I'm not even that drunk, yeah I threw up but whatever that happens all the time when people drink. That's not the reason I needed to come back, I needed to come back because I realised I am the problem, the way I spoke to Jack, the way I treated him when he was being nothing but kind to me- it's disgusting. I'm disgusting. I'm this huge, pathetic burden on everyone I'm around.

I make my way to my bunk and grab my sunglasses case, bringing it to the bathroom with me and slumping down on the cold tile floor. I open it up and tip it upside down, but all that falls out are the sunglasses- frowning, I tilt it back up and pry open the back pocket, there's nothing in there. "Fuck sake Jack!" I shout, realising he must've got rid of them after this morning- I don't know why I expected them to still be there, it makes sense. I bang my head back against the cabinet and think for a moment.

It's not that I'm planning on killing myself, I never cut deep enough for that anyway, I just feel like I deserve the pain tonight. Opening up the cabinet behind me I have a look around to see if there's anything I can use- I see an unopened pack of razor heads, taking one out and smashing it open with the corner of my phone case I pick up one of the blades. Its so much thinner than anything I use, I lightly run it along my finger and it cuts right through the top layer of skin- okay so it's a lot sharper than anything I use too.

I take off my jeans and throw them against the door, hiking my boxers up on the right side. Taking a deep breath I position the razor on a clean patch of thigh, dragging it across my skin- its light, barely even breaks through the first layer of skin, so the next one I push harder, then harder. The alcohol's thinning my blood so I'm bleeding way more than normal, the floors a mess- I'm not sure how I'm going to clean this up before one of the guys get home.

With far too much alcohol-induced confidence I push down deep and do one final slice on my thigh- it looks different and I immediately know I've fucked up. Bubbles of fat are popping up through the skin and it's bleeding bad, this is so much deeper than anything I've done before.

"Oh fuck" I say to myself, I keep repeating it again and again just staring at it- I'm hyperventilating and I have no clue what to do, I start to cry, salty tears streaming down my face, snot bubbling out my nose. I press tissues to it and it starts to stop the bleeding but that only means I can see the fat better now- it's terrifying. I used to think when I hit fat I'd finally feel content with my self harm, that it would feel like some kind of achievement, but the reality couldn't be further from that.

I'm so caught up in my own mess I don't notice Jack entering the bus until he's swinging open the bathroom door, he looks down at the blood and the tissue I'm pressing to my thigh and then up to my face. "J-Jack" I sob, no idea how to deal with this situation, "Please help" is all I can think to say.

"It's okay" he keeps repeating "It's gonna be alright," normally I hate when people say that but now it's okay, it's what I need. I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay. He kneels down beside me and takes the razor from my hand, I didn't realise I was still holding it, and leans over to grab the rest of the broken razor head from the floor and throw it in the bin.

He takes a deep breath and moves my hand holding the tissue, by this point mostly soaked with blood, pulling it away from my thigh. I watch his face as he looks down, his eyes go wide for a moment "Oh god 'Lex, I think this might need stitches" he looks up at me and back down to the cut.

"No please Jack I don't want to go to the hospital, I don't want people to know" I plead with him, he looks at me with so much emotion in his eyes, and after a sharp sigh bends over to kiss me on the forehead.

"Alex I don't think that's the right decision but it's your decision- I know we have some butterfly stitches in the first aid kit out front just give me a moment I'll go get them." I nod, tears still falling from my eyes, but at least I'm breathing somewhat normal again. He returns with the butterfly stitches and some bandages- looking back down at the cut I've noticed it's stopped bleeding, they all have. "You're gonna need to get cleaned up before we can bandage this up, do you think you're able to get in the shower?" he asks, turning it on so the water heats up.

I stand up slowly, putting my weight mostly on the clean leg and hobble towards the shower "Yeah, I think I'll be able to manage it"

"I'll be right outside the door, just shout if anything goes wrong." He makes a move towards the door.

"No wait, please stay" I beg, catching his arm. "Please, I don't want to be alone." He looks at me before pulling me into a hug, I wrap my arms around his waist as he wraps his gently around my shoulders.

"It's gonna be okay 'Lex." He buries his nose in my hair for a moment and pulls away "If I'm gonna be in here while you get showered I'm going to grab some cleaning stuff and start clearing this up- I'll be back in a second okay?"

I nod and take off my boxers and shirt when he leaves the room, stepping into the shower- grateful that the steam fogged up the glass so Jack couldn't see me. I start to wash off the blood, some of it dried, some of it still fresh- I can vaguely see Jack's figure on the floor, scrubbing at the blood. I feel bad, I should be the one doing that.

"I'm all done out here when you're good" he calls out after a while "there's a towel and some boxers on the toilet, just let me know when to turn around" he calls out over the shower door.

"Okay, I think I'm done- turn around." I step out the shower to see him standing in the doorway facing away from me, I quickly pat myself dry, taking extra care on my thigh so as not to make the cuts start bleeding again, and slowly pull on my boxers; Stretching the right leg to the absolute limit of its elasticity so it doesn't touch any of the cuts- unsure what to do I sit down on the toilet lid. "All dressed" I say kind of awkwardly, and Jack turns around.

He immediately kneels down in front of me and starts working on my leg "Okay so I did a little bit of googling and I think we need to close up this big one with some butterfly stitches, and then the rest we can just cover up with bandages" he looks up at me as if asking me to confirm, I nod weakly, it all sounding right to me, and watch as he takes out a couple butterfly stitches.

"I think this might hurt a little, I'm sorry" he says, pushing either side of the cut together so it closes up, I wince a little in pain but keep my leg still- there's no point jumping around and making this take longer. Sticking one side of the stitch to one side of the cut, he moves his hand and tapes the other piece to the other side, closing up half of it- he repeats the same process again and the cut looks a lot less scary. Still not great, but it could definitely be worse. He cuts off a piece of bandage and tapes it down, covering all the fresh cuts.

Once he's done he simply holds my thigh in his hands for a while, looking into my eyes "Jack I'm scared" I finally break down again, hunching over into a sobbing mess.

"I know 'Lex" he tells me, standing up and scooping his hands under my knees, picking me up to carry me to his bunk. He sets me down on the edge and climbs into the bunk, scooting backwards against the wall; pulling up the covers he gestures for me to come in and be the little spoon. With my injured leg facing upwards I get under the covers next to him, he wraps his arms around my chest and pulls me back, holding me tightly. "I'm always here for you." I break down into another fit of sobs, but Jack calmly runs his hand through my hair and shushes me until I fall asleep in his arms.

disclaimer: If you hit fat ALWAYS go to the hospital guys, it's not an option- it leaves the risk of infection insanely high if you don't get it professionally stitched. Remember, this is just a story.

#fanfic #jalex #jalex fic #jalex fanfic #fanfiction #jalex fanfiction #bandfic #band fic #jalexfic #jalexfanfic #jalexfanfiction #all time low #alex gaskarth #jack barakat #rian dawson #zack merrick #all time low fanfic #wattpad #We've got scars on our future hearts

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lisatelramor · 4 years ago

Text

Be a Better Me Ch 9

One more left after this!

Chapter 9

“Do you go to school?” Conan asks Kaito.

Kaito, in disguise as a young woman just for the fun of it (and for practice because skills need constant upkeep), smiles. “Of course I go to school.”

“And yet you happen to show on a day that only my school is closed for water damage.” His little kid friends are arguing about something on the other end of the playground. Conan watches them like he’s just waiting for them to remember he exists and drag him into whatever their scheming is. Scheming being the accurate term because Haibara Ai is part of that group and anything that makes her smirk, Kaito has learned, isn’t nearly as fun for the person on the other end of that look.

“I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“There was a heist a week ago.”

“And you kicked a soccer ball at me. That’s hardly communication.”

“You could just show up to Agasa’s.”

Kaito hums. “And how often are you actually there?”

“Okay, fair point. But you could talk to Haibara.”

“You say that like she isn’t terrifying.” Ai had a habit of updating him about what new things she figured out about Kaito’s body—both human and robotic—which hardly endeared her to him. He’d developed a habit of trying to avoid her whenever he actually had to drop in to Agasa’s place because being told in detail how your body replicated synthetic blood from what you ate is not pleasant conversation. Nor was the fact that she’d actually been studying Kaito’s corpse even though he doesn’t want her to. Kaito really doesn’t care how it’s not decomposing or what’s keeping the brain alive; it’s something he doesn’t want to think about.

“Oh, she is terrifying. That’s all part of being her friend.”

“Is she friends with any of you?” Kaito asks because from the bits he’s gotten out of them, Ai is the person who made the poison that changed Conan. And she’s older than Shinichi and Kaito both. He doesn’t know what to make of her, and all the more reason to avoid her.

“Yes,” Conan says. “She cares, and it’s not just guilt. She cares for the kids, and she at least tolerates me.” He smirks back at Ai as she lifts an eyebrow their direction. Conan makes a quick ring around his eye with his finger and thumb and the eyebrow lowers.

“Hey. Way to rat a guy out.”

“Please, she’d realize who you were a few minutes into talking with you if she came over here. She’s scary perceptive about that kind of thing.”

“It’s probably the PTSD hypervigilance,” Kaito grumbles.

Conan kicks him in the shin and Kaito swears under his breath.

“Your bony feet are a weapon.”

“I know,” Conan says. “C’mon, let’s go rope the kids into something before they spring something on us.”

“What, you expect me to join you?” Kaito asks. “I’m just a passing young woman enjoying a conversation.”

“Well you’re going to be a young woman playing with some kids.” Conan grabs Kaito’s hand and pulls, and it’s follow or be knocked sideways on his modest high heels. Brat.

It’s a good think Kaito doesn’t mind children.

o*O*o

Conan is at Agasa’s place when Kaito next shows up, the Kirin’s Horn heist fresh in his mind. It’s clearly still on Conan’s mind too because he glares at Kaito when he enters the room.

“You!” Conan growls.

“Me!” Kaito says, trying not to feel intimidated. It’s actually pretty hard since he knows intimately just how hard Conan can kick.

“You’re a jerk.”

“Agreed,” Ai says from her place on the sofa, book in hand.

“For knocking you out?” Kaito says. “All’s fair at heists, or did I miss a memo?”

“I am going to sic the police on you so hard next time,” Conan says.

“You got off lucky this time.”

“You chloroformed me.”

“Originally,” Kaito says, “it was going to be a Taser.”

Both Ai and Conan give him horrified looks.

“Oi, not like a full strength one! I don’t want to kill you.” Kaito scrubs the back of his neck and goes to sit on the couch that isn’t currently full of not-children with a grudge at the moment. “I was testing a lower power version and everything, and by testing, I mean I Tasered myself. Fun fact: robots and electricity apparently don’t mix.”

“Oh my god, what did you do?” Conan asks still horrified, but also morbidly curious.

“I, er, might have shorted something out temporarily. And temporarily disrupted some of my bio-synthetic processes.”

“Meaning you almost died,” Ai says with the level tone of a scientist making an observation. “You’re an idiot.”

“Oi, It’s not like I could have known how I’d react. Most things I handle like a human.” Kaito wrinkles his nose at her. “Hakuba already gave me a riot act on doing dangerous shit without supervision so I don’t need to hear it from you.”

“Still an idiot. Also, don’t Taser Kudo, we still don’t know how much the toxin has harmed his heart.”

Kaito blinks and Conan grimaces.

“I thought you said it was fine,” Conan says.

“I said I didn’t notice any signs of problems, but that doesn’t mean it’s fine. The change feels like a heart attack, and that’s probably significant.”

“Noted,” Kaito says. “I’d feel bad if I actually killed you.”

Conan looks unimpressed. “Wow, such strong feelings.”

Kaito rolls his eyes. “I’d be devastated if I killed anyone, that doesn’t make you special.”

“And I thought our friendship meant something,” Conan says, deadpan.

Kaito snickers.

“Are you here for a reason or did you just so happen to feel social?” Ai asks.

“A little of column A, a little of column B,” Kaito says with an airy wave of his hand. “Catch up on Beika news, visit one of my favorite detectives and his lovely scientist friend, run a scan to triple check I really didn’t short anything out with all the electricity going on the other day…”

“Get to the lab, idiot,” Ai says setting her book aside. “Agasa-hakase isn’t here today, so you’ll have to have me as a lab tech.”

“Joy.” Ai always has a way of leaving Kaito uncomfortable.

“I could leave you to struggle on your own.”

“No, no, the help is appreciated. I can’t do full body scans all on my lonesome.” Kaito stretches. “Any new murders since we last saw each other, Tantei-kun?”

“A drowning and an onsen murder actually.”

Kaito pauses. “…Was the drowning at the onsen or are these two separate murders?”

Conan looks at him with too-old eyes. “Which do you think?”

“You have terrible luck, did you know that?”

“I’m very aware.”

“He’s still on my shit list for the onsen murder,” Ai says, already prepping the lab with efficiency.

“Wow, what did he do?” Kaito drags a chair to the best position for a body scan.

“He ran into the women’s baths.”

“You’d just found a dead body!” Conan sputters. “You got your revenge already! It wasn’t like I was even paying attention to you!”

“I’m not that quick to forgive.”

Kaito snorts. “You’re lucky it wasn’t my friend Aoko. She tends to hit first, question later.”

“Speaking from experience?” Ai asks.

“Lots of it. I mean I have it coming, but still. It’s best for my self-preservation that I’ve mostly outgrown flipping her skirt.”

Both Ai and Conan give him identical disgusted grimaces. “You deserve any head trauma you get from that,” Ai says.

“Fair enough. I don’t really get why it’s such a big deal to so many people though, honestly. Bodies are bodies.”

“You’re the one that used underwear to distract me in the Black Star heist,” Conan says.

“To distract you yeah, but it’s more funny to me than distracting?” Kaito shrugs. “To be honest I think that’s something that changed since I became…like this. I can remember feeling… things… but those sort of thought skew toward the romantic rather than the physical these days.”

“While that makes me want to pick apart your brain,” Ai says in that bland, terrifying way of hers, “I need you to hold still so I can take the scan.”

Kaito gives her a mocking little salute and makes like a statue. Ai positions the machine around him in multiple angles until she’s satisfied.

“If you don’t feel that, what’s with all the attempts at kissing people?” Conan grumbles. People, meaning Ran, Kaito guesses.

“Kissing is nice,” Kaito says when Ai will let him move again. “Not that I’ve done much of it. I thought you realized by now I’m a lot more show than not when I’m Kid. Or in general really.” He doesn’t pretend too much around them these days and that’s kind of nice. It’s also more than a bit unnerving whenever he stops and considers that he’s being vulnerable, but it’s probably worth it in the long run. He’s been told a lot lately that honesty and openness make for stronger friendships. “Half of all that is just to mess with you.”

“Oi. Do you want a soccer ball to the face?”

Kaito snickers. “You have to admit, you make the best panicked faces.”

“I hope Ran punches you next time.”

“I’d deserve it,” Kaito agrees cheerfully.

“Well,” Ai says, “I’m not seeing anything obvious, but I’ll go over the scans in detail and get back to you. In the meantime, look out for anything off and don’t play lightning rod.”

“There goes that fantasy of hang gliding in a thunder storm,” Kaito says.

“I know you’re joking,” Conan says, “but sometimes it’s honestly hard to tell.”

“You wouldn’t find it cool to be in the sky with lightning flashing around?”

“No. Not at all. I’m not suicidal.”

Kaito sighs dramatically. “It would be like being one with nature.”

“Right up until you’re electrocuted or blown into a tree.”

“Maybe. Eh, I need to change things up more. I’ve been using the glider more lately and it’s getting predictable. Though to be fair, it’s faster than the balloons I used to use.”

Conan wrinkles his nose. “Balloons?”

“They don’t rely on wind or a specific height to power them,” Kaito says reasonably. “They’re slow though, and can burst. Which isn’t the best once guns come into play.”

“Right. Don’t tell me your plans.”

“You’re going to wonder next heist whether I’ll be using the glider at all, or if I’ll use it just because I said I shouldn’t,” Kaito says with a wink.

“Still hate you.” Conan has that grumpy-but-reluctantly-fond expression on and Kaito’s counting it as a win. Conan’s only pretending to be annoyed on principle.

“Kuroba,” Ai says cutting into the banter. “Could I talk to you alone for a moment?”

“Yes?” Kaito tilts his head to try and glimpse what Ai’s doing, but it doesn’t give any hints for what she wants. Nor does a glance at Conan. Conan shrugs in a way that could mean ‘who knows’ or maybe also ‘good luck’ before wandering out. Kaito’s pretty sure he’s outside the door eavesdropping because that’s standard detective nosiness, but Kaito’s not going to be the one to call him out on that. He’d be doing the same thing.

“Is there something wrong with the scan?” Kaito asks when Ai’s silent a bit too long.

“No,” she says. “I will have to go over it closer just to make sure, but that’s not what this is about.” She spins around in her chair and pins Kaito with a look that is just as sharp as any of the detectives’ stares. Kaito tries not to fidget under the weight of it. “You’re aware I’ve been studying your body.”

Any remnants of Kaito’s light mood crash and burn. “I’m aware.”

“You’re also aware that I created the poison that shrunk Kudo and myself.”

“Conan might have mentioned it.”

Ai folds her hands in her lap. It should look relaxed, but it’s somehow as unsettling as if she steepled her fingers like some kind of cartoon villain. “The chamber holding your body contains an oxygenated gas that, along with some injected substance that I’ve gotten traces of in blood, halts cellular degeneration. It works as a perfect preservative, and along with a very mild electric pulse, is preserving the body’s brain. The body is dead, but it’s been preserved at the exact moment of death. From what I can assess, the cause of death is a stopped heart. The substance injected as the preservative also slowed the heart to the point of death. He would have been aware,” Ai says mercilessly, “that he was dying, but unable to fight it. The chamber would have finished the process.”

She takes a breath. “I’m creating an antidote,” she says. “For Kudo. Personally I have no interest in returning to my former age and identity, but Kudo still has a life and people to return to. In allowing me to look at how your body was preserved, you’ve actually helped me make a few steps toward that goal. It’s not the same science as the apoptoxin, but there were similarities that helped flesh out my notes.”

“So you’re closer to helping Conan be Kudo and my body’s still very dead,” Kaito says. “Great. Why did you need to tell me this?”

Ai’s lips pinch for a moment. “Your body can’t be revived by restarting its heart and lungs no matter how intact they are because of the substance injected in it. And that substance can’t be filtered reliably out. But…”

“But what?” Kaito asks. He’s tempted to fling himself from the chair and leave, but something about her hesitation makes him stay a little longer.

“There’s a chance I could add to it and induce a similar effect as the apoptoxin. The most likely outcome of this would be that the body dies properly and for good. But,” Ai says softly, “there’s a small chance that it reacts the way Kudo and I did and it reverts back to a younger age. An age that’s also revivable because the toxin has run its course.”

Kaito stares. Kaito—the human Kaito—could be saved. Oh, it has to be an infinitesimally small chance of it happening, but it’s that much of a percent more than the rest of eternity spent in a glass box. And, as she said, it could kill him dead. But at least Kaito would actually be dead instead of in limbo.

But if it worked and Kaito’s body becomes a child again, what will that mean for him, the very-much-not-human Kaito? The Kaito that stole his face and stole his life and everyone he loves. Something between terror and jealousy twists in his gut. If the body gets to live, he’ll be the real Kaito again and Kaito won’t be anything.

And yet… Kaito knows that this body doesn’t have many years in it. Statistically speaking, technology doesn’t outlast a human body. A computer is lucky to get four years before something major breaks down. For Kaito’s experimental body… He’ll be lucky to get four years. He has no back-up of his brain, no depository of memories that he can add to on the off chance something goes wrong. He could probably ask Ai, Agasa, and Hakuba to collaborate on one just in case, but then again, he’s not sure he wants that either. That he could die and be replaced by a saved version of himself with gaps in memory… he doesn’t like the idea any more than the real Kaito will like it. So if this is the only shot he has, he might as well give a chance to the human Kaito. That way when he does degrade and become obsolete, they’d maybe have human Kaito still. There would be gaps left, but not as devastating of ones.

It isn’t just his choice to make though, no matter that it is his human body.

“Can I think about it?” Kaito asks, tense as a strung piano wire and doing terribly at hiding it.

“Take all the time you need,” Ai says. “It’s not something I can do overnight, and the body isn’t going anywhere. I just needed to tell you that it’s an option.”

Kaito nods. He needs to leave. He doesn’t want to look like he’s fleeing though. “Thanks for telling me. I should go make a phone call.”

He hears Ai murmur, “Don’t thank me yet,” under her breath as he turns and walks in a deceptively calm manner toward the door. He’s not fooling anyone.

There’s skittering as Conan sprinting away, but that’s fine. He can know about it, it’s not like it makes a difference. Kaito doesn’t even acknowledge Conan’s terrible attempt to look like he’s been watching television the whole time, instead walking straight for the door.

o*O*o

“Hey.” The online call connects with Kaito sitting surrounded by his fifteen doves, their soft feathers and voices soothing the tiny part of himself that kept whirling in panic.

“Kaito,” his mother says, surprised. It’s not their usual day to talk, and he’s only on voice call, not video. He doesn’t want to see what kind of expression she might make. “Is something wrong? You don’t need me to come home do you?”

As nice as it would be to have another of her visits, he won’t ask that of her. “I can’t just call?” he says lightly.

“Of course you can,” Chikage says. Warmly, like when she brushes his hair away from his forehead or gives him little side hugs when they cross into each other’s space. “You don’t ‘just call’ though.”

“Maybe I should,” Kaito says. She would appreciate a son that reached out more. But he’d appreciate her being here more. They’re both independent people, but they’re also social people and he understands. He understands why she needs to travel and see new things and reconnect with old friends. He just doesn’t always like it.

“I’d appreciate it in the future,” Chikage says, “but what did you call for now?”

“An offer was made. About Kaito.”

A beat of silence on the other end as she registers him using his own name. “What kind of offer?” she asks a lot more hesitant than a second ago. They never did talk about the body.

Maybe they should have. It’s so much easier to ignore elephants in the room than to dwell on them. “There’s a procedure Haibara Ai could do. I don’t know the numbers or science on it, but there’s a small chance she could get him alive again. There’d be side effects—” like losing a decade in age “—but he’d be Kaito and alive and human.”

“And what’s the rest of the chances?”

“It’d kill him,” Kaito says quietly. “Completely not just whatever not-death he’s in now. Being honest, it’s a lot higher percentage that he’d die than live from the sound of it, but…”

“I couldn’t kill him,” Chikage says. “I thought about it, like a coma patient on life support at a hospital, but…”

“But he’s not brain dead,” Kaito says with understanding. “I thought about it too. Not all for good reasons.” He doesn’t poke the minefield of jealousy and conflicting feelings of personhood. That way lies depression spirals. “It’s not really right to leave him like that forever though, is it?”

“No.” Chikage sighs. “A really small percentage?” she says, longing.

“Terribly small,” Kaito says. “Haibara didn’t sound confident that it would work. Still, it’d be like him—us—to leave that kind of thing to chance and play the impossible odds.”

He listens to Chikage’s breathing as she thinks, picturing her sitting in some cheesy themed hotel room with a late dinner in the form of hotel catering and the casual chaos of her suitcases slowly taking over the room. Or maybe it is still neat because Chikage reached the point of getting annoyed with clutter and put it all away until the cycle repeated. Either way she’s probably sitting on her bed with her toes tucked under the covers to keep her feet warm like she does at home when they watch movies together.

Kaito misses her terribly sometimes.

One of his doves flutters on his shoulder, right up against his neck all warm and grounding and alive. He pets her, feeling her feathers fluff and settle, her tiny body leaning into his touch.

“If it works, how will we explain two of you?” Chikage asks finally.

“If it works, he probably won’t be able to slip back into his old life, the side effects would make that impossible, and even if they didn’t, he has over a year of life and growth that never happened.” Kaito scratches the feathers along his dove’s neck. “Maybe he could go be with you. At least until he’s recovered and all. He’s… probably not going to like me much.”

“You mean you wouldn’t be your own best friend?” Chikage jokes. It’s a very weak joke, but he gives her points for trying.

“Considering how I reacted to the other robot that tried to steal our life, no.”

“…We’d make things work. If we got him back, we’d figure out a way to make it all work out.”

“Yeah.”

“It wouldn’t make me love you less,” Chikage says hitting to the heart of his fears in all of this. “You’d both be Kaito. I have enough love to go around.”

“I know. Thanks, Kaa-san.” He curls a little tighter and another bird lands on his back like that will get her pettings instead of Kaito trying not to move and dislodge her. “So.”

“I think you should try,” Chikage says. “It’s probably not going to work, but…”

“It’s resolution,” Kaito says.

“Yes.”

The dove on Kaito’s back flutters away but the one on his shoulder stays cuddled close. “Do you want to be here when…?”

Chikage is quiet long enough for Kaito to worry that the call has dropped. “I should be there,” she says, which isn’t really an answer.

“I’ll let you know when Haibara thinks she has things down to try it. You can decide then.”

“Thank you, Kaito.”

Kaito hums and lets her transition the topic to something else, something lighter and not involving death at all.

#magic kaito #detective conan #robot kaito #fanfiction #my writing #it's a good thing i had this written before posting #because my will to write has left me since work started back up #now i'm just tired and hollow again

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haloud · 5 years ago

Note

Just gotta call you out on what you said about the survey. The fandom survey was posted by an Alex Manes fan account hence the people who responded were Alex fans too and hence the results were as you said - it’s basic quantitative statistics lol. The fact that everyone knows Michael is a favourite to most fans and carina is obvious - the survey merely proves that the rest of the fandom is aware of it too.

Okay.

When i took the survey it had about two hundred responses. it was posted on tumblr, where I saw it, where most of my fandom takes place. It was a two-sentence joke about the numbers as I saw them at a time when the surveyed population was the population I interact with the most. I’m sorry I wasn’t pedantic enough for you, anon. I’m sorry my post contained a generalization. It’s almost like I don’t blog the same way I write my academic papers. I should have known someone would find me in violation.

Let’s take a look at your claims, anon, because we love analyzing things here, and since you know all about basic quantitative statistics, I know you’ll agree!

1. The survey can’t be taken as proof that Alex is the fandom darling because the surveyed population was skewed

2. The survey can be taken as proof that “the rest of the fandom” is rightfully aware of the obvious fact that Michael is the fandom darling

Can you see the contradiction taking place here? Either the survey can be used as evidence or it can’t–you don’t just get to cherry pick the responses that agree with you and ignore the ones that don’t.

Anon, if the “rest of the fandom” knew one hundred percent that Michael was the obvious favorite (over Alex specifically), my post wouldn’t have gotten any notes. It was untagged, and I don’t have that many followers. It isn’t just about the numbers, either–take a look at the comment responses, read for just a little while how the number of people saying that Alex is being mistreated or that miluca need to break up outweigh any comments criticizing Alex.

My post was responding to the same frustration I’m expressing now. On Tumblr–where most of my fandom takes place–I see a lot of claims that Alex is despised and in need of defense from a hateful fandom, but I never see any of the proof. The tag “anti alex manes?” Two posts, anonymous confessions from a year and five months ago respectively. The tag “anti michael guerin?” Two pages and active. Now, that isn’t a lot of hate either–you’ll never see me claim that Michael isn’t a popular character. The only thing I claim is that Alex is more popular than him, against the popular perception of people who self-identify as liking Alex to the exclusion of all others. That’s what the survey of the population I knew was tumblr-based confirmed and caused me to make a post about.

The survey is up to over five hundred responses now. (I took it on my phone while logged into a Google account, so I can go back and see the responses without taking the survey again.) The favorite character is still Alex by an overwhelming margin, with 47% of respondents self-reporting him as their favorite. Second place is Maria, with 16.2%, and then Michael and Liz are tied with 12.3%. Meanwhile, for the question “Who do you think is the most popular character in the fandom,” 54.6% of respondents report that their perception is that Michael is the fandom favorite. Alex is in second place with 22.2%, followed by Liz at 9.7%. The results still reflect the thing I joked about, which is the significant discrepancy between self-reported perception and self-reported reality among fans.

Any good statistical analysis includes a disclaimer as well as an examination of future avenues of study. I will state for the record that the surveyed population could still be skewed by having originated at the epicenter of Alex-centered fandom. You’ll find that this is often the case and an often-reported possible flaw in a survey study. It’s a flaw inherent in the sampling method known as snowball sampling–where the surveyed population begins with the surveyor’s acquaintances and goes outward from those acquaintances, i.e., it picks up snow as it rolls. There’s also the possibility that some individuals took the survey more than once, though Google does prevent logged-in users from doing so. This statement should not be used as a reason to throw out the results; proof of fraudulent activity would be necessary in order to demonstrate that surveyors were not acting in the good faith required of all self-reporting surveys. In regards to further study, I think it would be interesting to include a question about where respondents saw the survey as well as where they spend most of their fandom time (Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, etc.). That way, we would know more clearly what subset of the fandom was participating in the survey.

A fandom survey will never be a scientific exercise, anon, but at 513 responses, I do believe the sample size is large enough to be used for commentary on trends within the fandom. Something doesn’t have to be classifiable as science to be interesting or notable.

#fandom drama #Anonymous #long post

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satari-raine · 5 years ago

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Thanks for the replies. I'm not certain about Clover's character either since we don't get to explore his thought processes but I have fun testing out alternative readings of the character like is he actually confident or faking it to hide an inferiority complex. Either interpretation can work depending how you frame it so it's fun to posit about both. One thing interesting with the scenes you mention is Clover never refers to his luck as something solely for him to benefit from. 1/?

In the mines he says Qrow is the one who is lucky not something like “Well lucky for me my semblance is Good Fortune”. He wishes others like Robyn luck but at the manor says “Wish us luck” and when Qrow makes a joke that put Clover in the spotlight as the source of that luck Clover pauses and brightens. The van scene has a similar spin Clover says the kids are lucky to have a mentor (Qrow) and not everyone is as lucky. Is this him acknowledging his own good fortune 2/?

Or did he grow up without a mentor and “get lucky enough” to make it through regardless. Either reading works. Clover’s semblance is unique in that unlike other privileges in the real world, like being born with a lot of money, Clover is the only person with his circumstances. Meaning he would constantly be reminded that his point of view is not the norm. Perhaps he’s even hyper vigilant about it similar to how Qrow likely blames every bad thing on his luck Clover second guesses every good 3/?

Maybe Clover’s the type to not trust naturally good events or believe they are normal occurrences. Maybe he doesn’t talk about bad things because he thinks that’s just how things are. A lot of people with various mental illnesses/neurodivergentices don’t realize they are different they just think that’s how things are. Do his cocky moments come off negative because of pride or difficulty connecting or both. What ever you decide its fun to speculate and I enjoy stories that explore that.

You’re very welcome, Anon! But wow, I’m honestly a bit floored at all of this. In a good way, of course! I just hope I can do justice to the time you’ve taken to think and write all this out. With that said, here goes?

I think that’s exactly what makes Clover an interesting character to write. While it’s bittersweet that we didn’t get much backstory or a wider arrangement of scenarios to see him act in, it’s also fun to see how people fill in the gaps themselves. People can go a confident, flirty route, and it fits. Others can portray a secretive, somber side, and it works just as well. It’s definitely fun to build him up based on what we’ve been given, and there are people who seem to enjoy any and all sides people want to portray.

With those scenes you’ve mentioned, starting with the mine scene, Clover wishing Qrow luck always made me… well, curious, I guess? Here’s a man well-known (infamously or otherwise) across Remnant, and when he says he has the direct opposite of Clover’s semblance, that he carries misfortune with him regardless of his own consent, Clover takes a second before telling him it’s a shame that Qrow thinks he’s better off working alone because of it. I’ve never been able to tell if that’s because he thinks semblances like theirs can work to their benefits (since it’s been shown) or if he’s trying to offer comfort in some way.

But it’s almost bittersweet, that scene. Since Clover is practically everything Qrow could be, even when you remove the good luck semblance: his appearance is of a strong, capable leader with his head on straight who cares for those under his charge. (Not that Qrow isn’t any of these himself, but self-perceptions are rarely skewed in the positive in situations like that.) So I have to wonder if Clover’s “lucky you, huh?” can be Clover actually saying something like, “it’s okay,” - something based off first impressions - and if Qrow can work towards believing that after everything he had gone through prior to Atlas. Coming from someone outside of the kids and Tai, or Summer - a reassurance of lingering good despite the ever-lasting bad - I still can’t shake the fact that it’d be a bitter pill for Qrow to swallow regardless of Clover’s intentions, and regardless that a friendship did eventually bloom between them.

With wishing Robyn luck, I like to think it’s because Clover knows that despite their differences in alliances, in tactics, he knows that she’s doing her damndest for her people - she’s doing whatever she can regardless of what’s stopping her, and I think he not only admires that tenacity but relates to it. Or perhaps he aspires towards it. It seemed to hint at some connection prior to what we saw, be it just them working on opposite sides or if they knew each other from elsewhere, but I liked the humanity it showed in Clover. It’s hard to wish someone luck when they’re against you, and considering it came from him (and given the voice actor’s tone in this scene), it sounded… genuine. You’re right, he doesn’t seem to be greedy with his positive fortune.

And with him reacting to Qrow joking with him in the manor, that was honestly delightful. Not just because it’s someone else who can theoretically understand how their semblances impact their lives, but it’s Qrow giving just as good as he’s gotten from Clover’s jokes or comments. I think it makes more of an impact on Clover than we were shown. Anyone can say good luck and mean it, but Qrow says it and it’s different. Because they’re both aware of the man’s relationship with good luck, and I think that’s why Clover’s so amused there, why he brightens. Almost like he’s proud? I guess I just like the thought that they can learn something from one another, that the world can still surprise them at their ages.

I adore the mentor conversation. Qrow seems to internalize his doubts and grievances, so it was nice to have it spoken aloud (especially since he couldn’t exactly go back to drinking away those feelings, and the fact he admitted that so easily also warms me.) And while the amount of time they’ve known each other is a mystery, it’s nice to see Clover had a good enough read on him to tell him that Qrow’s doing a fine job despite everything going against him. Bad luck semblance or not, I like to imagine that the kids are lucky to have Qrow with them, despite the ups and downs that happened during the journey. Especially with Qrow working on improving himself and making amends, however slow going they may be, having his expertise is just as important an asset as his company. With how that relates to Clover, him telling Qrow he’s lucky in that sense when others aren’t struck me as Clover not being so fortunate to have someone to guide him. I don’t know if it was the tone of voice or the flow of the scene, but it sounded something close to loneliness. An accepted loneliness, sure, but I wonder about it.

I like to think Clover definitely has moments of where he questions if something happened due to his luck or because of the effort put in, or whatever other factors involved. It’d probably be hard not to, even if it ends up in a positive outcome. It’d probably lend itself to some paranoia or maybe even a sense of depression, which I think helps in how he seems to understand some of where Qrow’s coming from. To Qrow, it’d probably seem close to a slap in the face to hear that having constant good luck could be a bad thing, but I think there is some merit in positives and negatives being on both sides of their coin. In regards to his outlook, there’s some merit there in settling into one’s situation and having it be the only thing you’ve known, especially if it isn’t necessarily challenged. I like to think his cockiness stems from knowing his fortune, knowing his limits, and knowing that he’s an esteemed importance to those he serves. I like to think he’s earned it simply because it never sounded like it came from a bad place, or a place where he was on a pedestal looking down. Granted that’s just my interpretation but Clover is definitely a character I’ve enjoyed seeing people interpert differently. The creativity is inspiring.

Well, um, I hope this suffices? I have to say, I’m a bit curious as to why you came to me with these, but I’m not ungrateful. It’s been really nice, and hopefully someone enjoys these rambles. Feel free to talk with me anytime, on anon or otherwise - and thank you, again.

#Asks #Anonymous #RWBY #Clover Ebi #Satari rambles #This got so long and I apologize for that #I'm surprised at the attention I've gotten on here today #But thank you!#This was really nice to write out and think about

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