#without even needing to be told
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tfw when my work crush tells me "I don't wanna say you're the MAN because you're not a man...I could say you're the WOMAN but You're not a woman either...you're a LADY"
#somehow all these backwoods blue color mfers manage to understand my gender#better than most of the libs i used to live around in the city#without even needing to be TOLD#anyways. i wanna fuck this man so bad it makes me look stupid
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Can't believe Bruce canonically picked up a random 12yo homeless child who had no intent to become a vigilante and suddenly thrust Robin onto him without asking if that's what he wanted because he missed Dick (whom he fired because being Robin was too dangerous) and people still act like any take that's not "all the Batkids became vigilantes on their own completely independent of Bruce (who tried so hard to stop them but sadly just couldn't do it)" is a complete idiotic bad-faith take and that you're crazy if you disagree with people saying that Bruce has never ever absolutely NEVER picked up a kid for the purpose of making them into a vigilante.
#my dc posting#jason todd#dc#batman#bruce wayne#any child would be delighted to be told they could become a superhero#children also aren't known for their ability to make rational and good decisions.#jason did not yearn for the cape and would not have become a vigilante without bruce's interference#you want a character who became a vigilante independently and couldn't (and shouldn't) be stopped by bruce? duke#duke thomas did that#his mentor/mentee relationship with bruce is an actually good example of what a healthy one should look like#teaching someone already in the business but new to it how to do it well and as safe as possible. that's the good shit#''batman needs robin'' mmhm. tell me more about how the relationship of mentorship between an adult and their child needs to be focused#and centered around the needs of the adult. this is such a power fantasy for children; grown men relying on them for their mental wellbeing#(duke&jason are the only ones whose origins i have personally read hence why they are focused on here)#bruce wayne critical#<- for filtering purposes#comics bruce you are a bitch and an asshole#bitter-hibiscus your post abt the nature of the batman&robin relationship even outside the bounds of 'child soldier' still being bad#will always be famous to me
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// Fortesa Latifi, The Truth About Grief //
#web weaving#we need to talk more about how Odin took away Thor's natural born Asgardian abilities on a whim#leaving him in a mortal body without the strength he's had his whole life#with no one he knew in a world he was unfamiliar with#like sure it worked out conveniently and he gained friends instantly but#the fact that Mjolnir was his weapon and he could *no longer lift it*#not really knowing of the enchantment put on it but also... that was THOR'S weapon#it was thrown in the backwater to face the same disgrace Thor got#do you wonder if Thor thought this meant his banishment was permanent#even before Loki visited him#do you think going from a coronation to being told he didn't deserve it dealt him enough damage for him to reconsider everything#do you think being out from the shade of Odin's favouritism for mere few days caused him grief#even though he wasn't sure quite what he did wrong#even though he was following the footsteps of his father#do you think it bothers Thor once he's worthy again that the enchantment is still on Mjolnir#that even though he's regained his status and strength it's at Odin's behest and can be revoked again if he wants
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Kids be making the craziest AUs that are so far from the source material it might as well but a new thing.
I do not mean this as a slight I think they're making great and wonderful stories that are like 2 tweaks away from being fully their own. And it's a shame that once the hyperfixation leaves they often get abandoned due to the fear of an invisible rule that makes the story "not their's."
Its okay to have fun with it as it is for the time being but remember you can always turn it into something your own if you want to!
#there are very few AUs out there I've seen that are stories that cannot be told without the source material involved#then there are the ones that are so far removed you don't even need to know of the source to see and understand the stories or chara design
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thinking about mulder and scully and how gentle he was with her when she was lying there in the hospital dying. he walked into the room with a wide grin and held her hand and kissed her cheek, and spoke to her in hushed, conspiratorial tones, and everything was life or death but it was so quiet, so unimportant, as he sat by her side and looked at her. mulder looked as happy as he’d ever been, sitting there with her, and it wasn’t because he was; he wasn’t. he knew that she was dying, that they were coming upon the moment when she was no longer going to be with him sooner rather than later, and he was crushed by the weight of it, by the impossibility of it. when he came to see her again and she was sleeping, looking pallid and defeated, he slumped against her bed and cried on his knees in the dark—quiet, body wracking sobs she never knew about, because he never wanted her to know how weak her being weak made him. with the weight of impending death, mulder gave scully the most of life, all that he wished she could’ve received but hadn’t: that coddling, that affection, the beautiful mundaneness of domestic bliss. he listened to her—really listened to her. and he really loved her, loved her like a husband, or a boyfriend, loved her the way a better man would’ve.
and then when scully got better, when the cloud of death evaporated and she appeared before him with color in her cheeks and flirtation on her tongue, he took it back. gone were the days of all that soft love and affection and back was the mulder and scully of old. he sidetracked their team bonding workshop, pointedly ignored the glaring fact that scully agreed he needed to work on his communication, and got them stranded in the depths of the floridian forest. even better, he let her coddle him, let her hold him close to her chest and made her sing him a song as they shivered through the night and watched out for monsters that could kill them, because he couldn’t handle it. the idea of being anything to scully other than what he had been before — a nuisance, a challenge, a partner — terrified him so badly he went into overdrive trying to reinforce those uncomplicated roles again. it wasn’t that he didn’t love her. he did — he loved her to the point of insanity, to the point of self destruction (something she so worried about). he just didn’t know how to love scully when it wasn’t dire. he loved her so much that he could not stand the idea of failing her with anything inadequate and half baked. he was glad to give it to her when it was dire, but when it came to life long devotion, he needed a few more years.
#fox mulder#dana scully#x files#i think mulder and scully became end game at this point truly#like her original abduction scared the shit out of him and ruined his life obviously#but that time it solidified how important of a person she was to him. he realized he needed her and would do anything for her#she was his friend. his closest companion#her cancer made him realize he simply could not survive without her. he couldn’t#when she first told him about it being incurable he refused to believe it#and he so depended on her scientific nature — on her science and her rigidity regarding it — and he so valued the truth#even ugly truth. but not that one#he loved her and i think it was during this time he realized how frighteningly much
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vent post
#and before anyone who hates my shit says “yeah because you ARE a loser way to have self awareness for once”#i promise you this would be me with or without the LO fandom LMAO#anxiety is a hell of a thing#and as much as i internally guilt myself into thinking it would be better if i just shut up and hid away forever#i also know that's the trauma speaking because the adults around me always told me to shut up#and even as an adult i still encounter people who talk over me and make me feel like i'm not allowed to be outspoken#but the pen is mightier than the sword and all those years i've spent being spoken over i've been honing my penmanship#i have fun talking about the things i talk about and i don't have any less right than anyone else to do it#i am cringe and i am free#self post#vent post#altho on another note i do wanna make time this week to go find new series to read#too many of my favorites have turned to shit and it's taken its toll#i KNOW there are better comics out there that are genuinely well made#i already have a few that i'm reading that i love but i need to balance out the good with the bad more lol#i just need to take the time to go find good stuff instead of pouring so much of my attention into the bullshit that doesn't deserve my tim#i think both things can be true#i can have a lot of fun dissecting and writing about series i don't like#while also nourishing myself with good works that restore my faith in this medium#“perfectly balanced as all things should be”
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This just hit me
"With selfless hearts--" !?!?!?!?
Mike is literally being framed as the heart here, and while that is up to debate for a lot of people, it doesn't change the fact that within the story he is narratively given this role by Will and it is even reinforced at this very moment before his monologue to El.
While I do fully believe this line is meant to hold dual meaning spanning multiple characters in the finale, who are capable of being the heart, having hearts, and having been through similar anguish that revolved around them being selfless i.e. Max, Eddie, etc., it already exists as a verbalized concept for Mike. It's who he is (in Will's eyes), and in this moment, they are choosing to highlight that.
And so does that mean this is a 'selfless heart' moment for Mike? Is Mike here caring more about others wants and needs than his own? Why would telling his girlfriend he loves her be selfless? Unless it's what he thinks she wants and needs, but not what he wants and needs?...
#byler#ugh i have like 3 other drafts pertaining to this whole debacle#surrounding the monologue#and the painting#and it's just so insane bc the answer is right there#they've told us in little ways so many times#and so it's gonna be weird seeing not only regular fans shocked#but also bylers who have missed or ignored these things for whatever reason#the dm mike discourse has been on my mind lately#and that's just literally what this is#him caring about others needs and wants more than his own#going with what is presented to him and making assumptions#without actually digging because he is scared of what he will find#he is scared of trying before he denies#and in that he seals his own fate#and arguably everyones#which is so fucked up because he is essentially forcing himself to do something that he thinks is the right thing#and then it just backfires#bc the heart was not being honest#and everyone fell apart#'even el especially el...'#like they're telling us right there that it doesn't work on el's end bc mike wasn't honest
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to complement this post
I think the red hair pirates would be obsessed with S-Hawk too! Especially the main group who've known Mihawk through his teenage marine hunting phase.
Benn would know they are walking on thin ice but look at him! He’s a little baby Mihawk! Look at his little uniform shirt tucked into his little shorts. Every angry and threatening expression s-hawk could make would mean nothing to a crew that has seen the real thing live and in color. It would just be adorable like look at his little frown! His glare! The threat of disembodiment in his eyes! Adorable
Mihawk is very uncomfortable with how much the red hair pirates fawn over and adore what is essentially a manufactured baby him. But yet also somehow touched? By it. He’ll kill everyone and then himself before he admits it tho
Yasopp, who actually did know a shorter 19 year old Mihawk, would ask him if he was that adorable but tiny (still can't comprehend that the seraphim are infact giant) as a child and if he had any pictures, and Mihawk almost takes his head.
#Mishanks#something about people being kind to the younger version of yourself when you haven’t known much kindness#I think it’s also a-hawk has his exact temperament maybe even worse cause he doesn’t even really speak#but they like him because of that not inspire of it which means they’ll probably like him too if he’ll let them.#little does he know they already do and lucky roux yasopp and Benn adore him#benn would have to repeatedly explain that that is a murder robot and not a baby bird#I think they should by whatever miracle find pictures of an actual baby mihawk and they hang it on the fridge next to Luffy's wanted poster#throwing thoughts to the void#I do like desperately need S-Hawk and Mihawk to meet#I hope they do because I’m so interested in how the warlords would react to that#like there’s a younger version of you that was created without your knowledge or permission#it’s essentially a mirror to your childhood that suffers all on it own and you’re told it has no autonomy#but you can see the hints of a personality they are trying to suppress#red hair#red hair shanks#red haired shanks#red hair pirates#red haired pirates#dracule mihawk#hawkeye mihawk#akataka#mihawk x shanks#seraphim#one piece seraphim#one piece memes#one piece funny#op#one piece#shitposting#s hawk
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If when Megumi and Yuuji talk again Megumi asks why Yuuji insists on saving him, and we get a callback to "personal feelings/selfish, emotional decision" i will die. You'll never hear from me again
#itafushi#yuuji no longer thinks that you need a given role for your life to have meaning#and he knows that Megumi's life would have had worth even without a “dignified death”#this isn't about megumi asking to be saved. or dignified death. probably not even about what his grandpa told him about helping people#he wants to save megumi because he doesn't want him to die#akwjakka#idk what im talking about btw its 3am and i can't sleep#jjk manga#jjk manga spoilers#? in the tags lol#yuji itadori#megumi fushiguro#jujutsu kaisen
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the issue with most of my creative process being very "in the moment" is i end up with a bunch of doodles for things i then decide isnt "canon" to things or i get REALLY DERAILED, so last night i drew some love and loss au doodles that kinda occur later on. Huzzle sweep.
The last one above is traveling to another god domain really hurriedly looks like in my head to be 100% clear. mini rift <3. no time for flair we needs to GO NOWS.
if you cannot tell I love drawing huzzle a lot. my cunty lamp <3
#not maintagging cuz its au doodles in stupids#ggg love and loss au#ggg huzzle mug#ggg click clack#Huzzle Mug giving Click clack constant physical contact here was really cute to me#i feel so bad for thespius on account since you dont see much of his motivations in my doodles and such he just seems hes being sucks#no he is incredibly upset and mourning. mourning +grief is a set of emotions that make even normal people act out#now imagine a god mourning. esp the god of LOVE#As someone who has seen. quite a lot of mourning; i know how it is. its a horrible dragon to deal with sometimes.#yes he messed up. horribly. however there isn't malice; a lot of guilt however#i will part the curtains for a second to say he hasn't left Cliff alone for as long as he's neglected interacting with other gods.#Huzzle only saw him right after cliffs death (around a month n a half ago) ; cliff saw him around a week before huzzle popped in#Thespius ALSO assumes cliff would have the agency and want to *leave* his little spot after a while. unfortunately.#since that's actually cliff hes gonna edit those scripts until he's blacking out or done without outside input#huzzle need smoko#i dont think anyone expected huzzle to be a main character here but it is LOL#to be fair neither did i it just happened lol#it pointed a gun at my head and told me to draw it 5 million times in au#ANYWAY I STARTED RAMBLING LOL
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Ice tears
When the pit rage got worse and Jason was barely able to think he decided to ask Constantine for help. Mainly because B hated when he asked Constantine for help and the wizard was nicer than he seemed at first glance.
Constantine strangely had the answer. It turns out that the Lazarus Pits had an history with something called "The Infinite Realms", and the water was the remains of one of the "Ancients" (Jason had no idea what that title meant) who died trying to stop the first King and bled in the confines of the world of the living.
As interesting as the story was, Jason had no idea how it helped with his problem, and he told the hellbazer so. John just rolled his eyes and gave a summary "You are possessed by the rage of that ghost, the only way to calm it down is to get the king's tears, the only thing he wanted, although that's a bit suicidal mate"
And well, now that he had forced Constantine to take him to the King (after making the portal, the British fled, coward) standing in front of the castle, Jason prepared his weapons, he probably should have thought it better since the king could be a powerful, interdimensional entity that could kill him with a snap of his fingers. But it was too late for that.
With a sigh he entered the throne room and saw a rather cute boy, with a crown and a dazzling smile, waving at him excitedly and asking a thousand questions a minute. Damn, was that the king? He was so friendly and— fuck, Jason had to make him cry, he was screwed.
#dpxdc#ghost king danny#Danny was alone#he love visitors#but no one visit because they are scared of his power#Danny is really powerful but doesn't care about it#Seeing Jason made him excited and he decided to gain a new friend#Jason is confused#the boy is cute and apparently no messing with him#he kinda fall in love#the problem is that he needs to make the boy cry no matter what#dp x dc#dc x dp#deadonmain#dead on main#Constantine still thinks that Jason is suicidal#Even more when he told him about his plan of giving the King a heartbreak#Of course Jason will chose to fight the interdimensional entity for a possibility without telling his family lol#Pit madness cure is the king tears#no matter what king
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i have been listening to quite a bit of U2 today and now the age old question of "which member is actually my fave?" has resurfaced
#text#i really like all of them#though i never had a particularly strong Thing for larry (im sorry larry)#larry is the backbone of who they are and i really appreciate him a lot#and i love his attitude#but right now i am kinda going back and forth between edge and adam#i think adam is my current fave because he is just so chill#he has such a natural elegance to him#and he is such a gentleman#he also came up to me after i played on stage with them and was shaking like a leaf the moment adrenalin kicked my butt#and he told me that i did great and reassured me with his gentle aura and we hugged#i just really love the balanced at peace energy he has#edge is the sonic architect of the band!!!!#and i just think he is So Incredibly funny#(and he was also kind by teaching me the chords 😭)#bono is just.....#he is A Lot and loving him is like trying to idk stand in the middle of hurricane winds#it can be difficult to hold onto him without needing a bit of a breather every now and then#but he is very loveable and he has his heart in the right place#even if the execution is not always... great#and i have never met someone who could read people so well as he can#and i love how he uses that to just give everyone memorable experiences#such a natural showman and people person i suppose#he can center you out in a crowd of dozens of people screaming for his attention and give you that personal moment#... yeah im having U2 feelings#not in the way that i feel an intense moment of hyperfixation on them brewing#it mostly feels like visiting an old friend
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Okay, well replaying Skyward Sword reminded me that I wrote this like a year ago buried in a reblog so I'm just gonna air it out and plop it here.
The first time Link had disappeared, it had caused alarm. Zelda had just gone missing, ripped from her loftwing by a treacherous tornado, and suddenly Link was a haggard mess, dressed in a knight’s uniform, and then gone. People feared that he had been hurt too, a search shouldn’t last after sunset; he wasn’t a full knight, after all. However, Headmaster Gaepora had managed to calm the academy students, and the news spread throughout Skyloft.
It took almost a week for Link to return to Skyloft. When people saw his crimson loftwing circling around the town, a collective sigh of relief fell over the sky island. If he’d been gone consistently for so long, then he’d only return when he’d found Zelda, after all. Not to mention it meant they were both safe.
However, that had not been the case. Link had been alone, tired, and filthy. His clothes had tears in them in certain places, he had strange silky threads wrapped around parts of his legs, dry blood stains were disturbingly evident on his tunic, and he practically had bags under the already constantly present bags under his eyes. He had landed just by the goddess statue and had not been seen since. However, another bright light had appeared in the cloud barrier, unnerving the Skyloftians, who chattered about it amongst each other.
The bazaar had been exceptionally busy that day, and the new red light in the sky caused people to gather there to discuss the matter. It meant there were long lines just to get inside, and Link had not seemed keen to stand among the crowds to get the supplies he so desperately needed. Instead, he’d sat on the bench outside, waiting for the townspeople to eventually spread throughout the island once more and give him the space he needed to prepare for his next trip.
The crowds did indeed start to thin, but as people trickled out of the bazaar with hot drinks and hot gossip on their tongues, they paused, finding the boy passed out on the bench. At first it was amusing; Link often fell asleep all over town. But then it was worrisome. He looked haggard. Everyone in town was invested in this boy’s well-being; they’d all welcomed him into their homes at one point or another, the adults all remembered the little orphan wandering the island aimlessly in the days after his father’s unfortunate death, they all remembered bringing him into their homes with promises of warm food and a pillow to lay his head on.
So it had been collectively decided that someone would fetch a pillow from their home and get Link a bit more settled. Wryna brought a blanket as well, but Greba had pointed out worriedly that Link was still a mess (with an emphatic “He stinks!” from Kukiel). Mallara had gotten Commander Eagus, who had promptly swaddled Link in the blanket and carried him to the academy to tend to him.
After that encounter, everyone on Skyloft had decided that they’d keep an extra careful eye out for the boy.
This new pact ended up saving the young knight-in-training’s life. The next time he came back, he had fallen off his loftwing entirely, caught only by Pipit, who had been notified that something was wrong when Orielle noticed the loftwing’s panicked screeches. He’d been unconscious before he fell into his classmate’s strong arms, and even Groose and his stooges had watched in concern as Pipit had rushed Link to the infirmary.
But today was not quite so dire. Link had been missing from Skyloft for two weeks after he’d recovered (his periods of absence continued to grow, much to everyone’s concern), but this morning Jakamar, his wife Wryna, and their daughter Kukiel woke up to a surprise green bundle curled up in their bed. He was on the edge, barely taking any space, but he hogged a majority of that side of the bed’s blanket. At first Jakamar nearly jumped out of his skin until he realized who it had to be, and he pulled the blanket back just enough to see the curved little ears and fluffy dirty blonde hair that everyone on Skyloft knew so well.
Blowing out a sigh, he turned away and held his wife as she peered over his shoulder. “Well, at least we know where he is.”
“He’ll be hungry,” Wryna commented. “I’ll get started on breakfast.”
Jakamar grunted in acknowledgement as his wife crawled to the bottom of the bed to climb over the wooden frame so as to avoid waking Link. Kukiel shot up and started to bounce on the bed in excitement, and Jakamar scooped her into his arms and also climbed out of bed in a similar manner. The house was silent as the family cleaned their faces and prepped for the day (though only because the parents constantly had to remind Kukiel to keep quiet with gentle shushes and fingers over their lips), and then Jakamar took his daughter out for a morning stroll while Wryna busied herself in the kitchen area.
When he got back to the smell of a delicious breakfast, he stretched and smiled, glancing at the bed to find it empty. He looked back to see Wryna’s disappointed face.
“He’s gone!” Kukiel exclaimed in her high voice.
“I didn’t see him step out,” Wryna said guiltily.
Jakamar put a hand on his wife and smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry about it, hon. At least he got some sleep. Pack it up in a bottle, if we see him we’ll give it to him.”
Jakamar had the luck to find Link later that day as the boy was meandering around the windmills. Although Jakamar was getting ready to offer the now lukewarm food, Link instead started asking him about the windmill’s missing propeller. Jakamar helped him as best he could, and just as Link rushed off to find Gondo at Jakamar’s suggestion (he figured the robot, though broken, might be able to help), the man called out to him, waving the large bottle with food carefully packed inside.
Link stared at him, confused. Jakamar held out the bottle. “Take it, kid. You look like you’re starving.”
It was a bit of a slip up to admit it to his face. Link often would recoil at such remarks, would cover it up with an embarrassed laugh and then actively avoid whoever said it for a while, which then made it even harder to help him. But it was the truth - he did look gaunt and worn thin. Jakamar was usually a pretty easygoing guy, but this seemed like it was starting to get serious. He wished the headmaster would reel the kid in.
Link’s expression shifted, so easily readable on his face, and his confusion clearly became shame. He looked down at the ground, biting his lip. When Jakamar pushed the bottle into his sight again, he took it wordlessly, but as he locked eyes with the man he gave a grateful smile. Before Jakamar could get a word in, Link turned on his heel and headed for the bazaar.
Jakamar blew out a sigh as he watched the boy run. Hylia look out for him.
#writing#skyward sword#skyward sword link#ss link#skyloft#I like to think they all looked out for him#even if that did give it a bit of a bystander effect#so sometimes he probably didn't actually get the help he needed#but it meant he was familiar with all of them#and that's why he could sleep anywhere without an issue#legend of zelda#laughing at the fact that I told myself I'd take a break from practice questions and that was like THREE HOURS ago#why am I like this ugh#gonna get back to it now
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Specifically thinking about long distance relationships today.
So tell me how you and your f/o would first meet online?
#I feel like Bakugou and I would meet in one of those online games he’s downloaded to mindlessly waste time between shifts#and he’s so foul at first because he thinks I’m weak but we play and he realises that I’m#actually whooping everyone and he’s like well damn okay#and now he’s messaging in the alliance chat and like getting excited when I’m online even tho he tries to hide it#and gets annoyed when other creeps in his alliance try to flirt with me#and then he’s asking for my discord#me and Sanemi get into a fight on discord the first time we interact#in some stupid big server I only joined for the emojis#but he’s a jerk so I tell him to shut up and a message later I find a msg notification and it’s him trying to continue the conversation😭#enjin slides into my dms on Instagram#he finds my post at a concert and hates the fuckboys that are commenting below#ends up messaging me to see if I’m okay but then immediately worries he’s one of those guys#Tamsy I feel like is that mutual I’ve had forever on twt and we like each others posts but we’ve NEVER talked to each other??#it’s not until I’m feeling sad at 2am and I post something self-deprecating that he drops me a msg🥺#and we end up staying up until 5am just talking to each other#Kirishima is ALWAYS the guy that responds to my ‘morning’ with a morning back! every day without fail#and I slide into his DMs one day and ask how he’s ALWAYS awake when I am??? like to say it back so quick#and he admits he’s kinda learned my schedule and he tries to be online for it because it’s one of the best parts of his day#and he likes saying it back😭😭😭 even if he’s off from a night shift and needs sleep he can’t without seeing me msg#Shindou blatantly flirts with me in a gaming discord and I think he’s an incel so I block him#he gets a friend to ping me to beg me to unblock him and I refuse#the friend then sends another message with a screenshot of Shindou basically begging me to unblock him😭#Dot and I meet in one of those AITA Reddit threads#and we end up borderline arguing over whether op is TA#so much that we get told to take it elsewhere😭😭😭#enjo#bakujo#eijo#but also catch me sending Dynamight sassy banter on his official socials😭😂
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actually I will say something. tired of being in fandom spaces and seeing the women get demonized while the men with the same/similar character traits either get sanded down and excused OR get called "babygirl" and such.
#bee's buzzing#yes this is about a specific fandom No i will not say which one.#but i will say. sometimes i get sick of it#especially when paired with '(canon male character who is an awful person) is a woman to me. i will not consider Any implications this has'#ESPECIALLY especially when i have been told. as a lesbian. that i should find that fictional man hot now-#- because someone thought up a hc where he's a woman without doing anyrhinh else or again.#exploring the nuance of making him either transfem or a cis woman.#clarification that i DO like transfem readings and such. i love them even.#i have just NEVER seen the hc im vagueposting about treated with. any of the nuance it would need to make sense#and because the fandom. again. demonizes a woman with the same traits#it just makes me raise an eyebrow is all
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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