#with very few comforts of home (because that tends to freak her out for trauma reasons)

[rxttenfish]

broke ground and started working on the second chapter of caecilian because i am Unable To Help Myself (and also as a little treat for myself for doing some other stuff and making progress on that)

[charnelhouse]

Another picture soap took (cause he’s a huge sap and a hopeless romantic) (and that I love making ghost more human than how the games make him out to be) is when ghost is injured. Unfortunately ghost got a really nasty injury which lead him having to be at home on bed rest. Ghost being on bed rest is like trying to tie a angry bull down. He gets restless very easily and doesn’t like doing nothing all day every day which causes him to be so grumpy all the time.

In the picture he’s in bed laying back onto a bunch of pillows and has a few around him to keep him as comfortable as possible. Red is standing on his other side leaning over him and is gently trying to cleaning his wounds. The shirt ghost has on was accidentally mixed up with soaps which is obvious cause the shirt is too small but ghost was too tired and too sore to even care to change it and red was too busy trying to clean and check on the stitching on his stomach. Her face was scrunched up as she was trying to be as gentle yet firm as possible so she could properly clean the area so it doesn’t get infected again.

Ghost has a hard time not taking care of wounds properly cause he over works himself and tends to forget to clean or inspect them so now price forced him to be home and now red and soap has to take care of the mountain of a man themselves. Red was already on break and this whole thing happened when ghost was on a solo mission. Soap ended up having to be discharged to“take care of ghost” even though if soap was the one doing this ghost would be in a whole ‘nother world of pain since he can tend to be a bit clumsy and heavy handed.

Ghosts soft wavy/ curly hair has grown out some due to him having to be home now and his facial hair was so stubbly now. Soap never gets pictures of ghosts face because of their protection and strangely enough ghost doesn’t outwardly say it but soap thinks he might be insecure about his looks. Ghost has a condition called poliosis which causes him to have ghostly white streaks in any form of hair on his body since there’s no pigmentation in those spots. His hair is naturally a strawberry blonde but his eyelashes are white and parts of his eye brows are too and he has a few patches of hair that is also white like his left sideburn or the napes of his neck. Not just that but he has scars on his face due to trauma from his childhood but also from his line of work when he was younger and less experienced. He has a large gas glasgow scar on one side of his mouth and also has a bit of a deformity on his top lip due to a old nasty scar which causes his Cupid’s bow to be crooked. Ghost isn’t ugly, he’s so far from in it soaps eyes. He has such a unique beauty you don’t see every day. Things like his long beautiful white eyes lashes or pretty curled messy hair makes soap forget this man is a super solider, a war criminal, his LT. in soft moments like this it’s just so surreal to soap. This huge grumpy heavily British man is finally opening up to him more than he would have ever expected.

When they found out ghost got nearly killed and was in critical condition it freaked them out. It was a reminder that their line of work is so dangerous and they can die any day- even ghost.. it was so eerie seeing him so helpless in the hospital bed. He looked already dead when soap looks back on it. He was asleep thankfully because of not he would have been in so much pain but he had got caught in a explosion after getting shot in the stomach. It left him with a broken foot, a bullet wound, a temporary hearing loss in his left ear. He had lost so much blood because the explosion caused him to get buried under rubble and since he was knocked out cold it was even harder to be able to find him. He looked terrible, he was covered in bruises, cuts, bandages, wires, tubes, you name it. Soap kept telling himself this was nothing for fuck sake the man has been buried alive before and came out kicking he can make it out of this .

It’s Just seeing red not blinking, eating, drinking, or speaking to anyone what caused him to doubt himself. her eyes were so wide the whole time and she seemed like a shell of herself. She wouldn’t leave ghost side even when they threatened to kick her out she just wouldn’t leave. She clung to him as if if she looked away from him for two seconds he’d be taken away from her. It’s crazy how devoted the two of them are to each other. It’s even scarier because he knows if he loses ghost.. he’ll lose her too.. one can’t live without the other and he doesn’t know if he could live without them either.

Now seeing her trying to coo at him and take care of him and having ghost trying to shoo her away and calling her “ a bloody fucking pain in his ass” makes him smile. Red had pulled ghosts long front pieces of his hair up into a tiny little ponytail on the top of his head so she could put more ice on his black eye which just causes ghost to try and fight back from her. It’s nice having everything somewhat back to normal. Especially hearing the two of them bicker because red is trying to clean ghost wounds but he won’t stop flinching or flexing his stomach and he yells at her for having man hands like price who is known for being EXTREMELY heavy handed which causes her to pinch his side and they start arguing even more. Soap loves moments like these with them. He knows they don’t mean the words they keep spewing at each other it’s just them being them and showing each other how much they really do care about each other and dare he say love each other.

sdkjfksdljfksdjkfjslkjf dsthis is so cute

It’s even scarier because he knows if he loses ghost.. he’ll lose her too.. one can’t live without the other and he doesn’t know if he could live without them either.

cool im crying

[sariahsue]

I'd love to know what movies get wrong about orphanages if you wouldn't mind sharing!

Oh, I'm so glad you asked!

So imagine all the movies with orphanages in them: Annie, Despicable Me, Meet the Robinsons*, Stuart Little, etc. The narrative goes like this. A bunch of poor orphans live in a home run by usually one person. When prospective parents come to visit, the children eagerly all line up, hoping to get picked! So exciting! The parents find the child they want, fill out a bunch of paperwork, and go home with their new child. There may be a couple bumps as everyone gets used to the new family dynamic, but they work themselves out by the end of the movie. Happily ever after!

Literally every single thing about that scenario is wildly incorrect. First off, and this comes as a surprise to most people, there aren't any orphanages in the United States. None.

Not many kids are orphaned these days thankfully, and if they are, there’s usually extended family or other arrangements previously made by the parents (like through their wills or godparents). If there’s truly no one that can take the kid, they’d be put into foster care and given an adoption worker along with their normal social worker.

The closest thing we have to orphanages are probably residential programs and group homes (which are basically a step down from residential and in a house with a smaller group of kids). I say they’re similar because they look it from the outside. A bunch of kids living together being cared for by adults who aren’t their parents. 

That’s where the likeness ends, though. Kids in residential aren’t up for adoption. Strangers can’t go in and visit. The kids are there to receive extra care. They have something going on that make them too much to handle for their parents or foster parents, and it could be physical disability, behavioral issues, or mental health struggles. Most kids are in programs like that temporarily, though some live there for years. The adults that work there don’t live there. It’s a normal 40-hour workweek and many people work in shifts to make sure it’s properly staffed.

The government does line the kids up to show them off to prospective parents sometimes. They’re called adoption parties, and for some reason they’re held at Jordan’s Furniture store a lot. (Because they volunteer the space, I think.) There’s food and music and lots of kids up for adoption and lots of parents hoping to adopt. 

Little kids tend to like them because they’re too young to understand what’s going on and, hey, lots of people to pay attention to me! Older kids HAAATE them. If they want to be adopted, then this is a great way to feel judged and rejected for a few hours. Most aren’t really excited about being adopted. Most kids’ birth parents are still alive, but their rights were forcefully terminated by the state. The kids can feel lots of things about this. Angry. Disloyal to their birth family if they want a new family. Scared of being hurt by the new family. Sad to leave their foster family. Still want to go home even if it’s not possible. It’s not a fun time. 

Nothing concrete comes of these parties usually. Parents can talk to social workers afterward if there’s a kid that they want more information on, but it’s really the beginning of the process. There are other ways to begin that process. I’ve heard of teachers meeting a foster kid and wanting to adopt, or someone knowing a foster family taking care of a kid who’s up for adoption. Others simply talk to an adoption worker. I don’t know what the process is like for that. Quite often, foster families will take care of a kid and then adopt them. (That’s what happened to us. We fostered a newborn. He wasn’t up for adoption until he was two, and we were couldn’t even contemplate giving him up at that point.)

Sometimes, social workers will try to get prospective parents to meet kids without the kids realizing the adults are thinking about adoption, to spare the kid the worry and rejection. Once the parents have decided to move forward, there is paperwork, but I think it’s normal foster parent type paperwork because, surprise, you can’t adopt them yet. Kids have to live in your house for six months before you can adopt

Since most kids will be with a foster family before going to a pre-adoptive home, and they probably are comfortable there and attached to the family, the transition to the new home is gradual. They start out with visits for a few hours, then sleepovers. If the kid hasn’t figured it out already, they’ll let them know these people want to adopt them around this time. Some kids take it well. Some... don’t. Longer sleepovers, then finally they officially move in. This could be a couple weeks if the kid is already familiar with the adoptive family or longer if they’re particularly attached to the foster family. 

If six months are up and things are still going well, the real paperwork can start. There are home evaluations, interviews with the parents, interviews with the children already in the family, psychologists determine if the adoptee is adjusted well and securely attached. I’m sure there’s a ton more that I don’t know about. It freaking takes forever. When you’re done, you have to go to court and have papers signed by a judge. I’m sure this is the best part of every judge’s day. There are smiles and pictures and kids happily banging the gavel to make it official!

Unfortunately, the issues that come from adoption are not all solved at the end of the 90-minute movie. My brother, who never lived with his birth mother and has only had us as his family, still has issues. I know a girl who was straight up abandoned by her mother. She’s got serious mental health and self-worth issues years later, even though she and family adore each other and they are so good to her and super supportive. On the other hand, some people have zero issues over it. They don’t know and don’t care about their birth family.

Some issues go away after time and love. Some people start out with no issues, but after a few months or years, things start to change. Their subconscious realizes that they’re not in danger, and this is a safe environment where they can finally start to work through the trauma they’ve been through, and suddenly they’ll start having mental health or behavioral problems, and sometimes they’re severe. 

It’s sad, but occasionally adoptions fail. This is part of the reason for the six-month wait. Sometimes the kids have so many issues that the parents can’t help them and keep them safe. Sometimes the parents weren’t as good people as they pretended to be and should haven’t kids. Thankfully, this type. of thing is pretty rare. I’ve never met anyone who it’s happened to. Most of the time, kids are put into good homes with people who love them and help them heal from the things their birth families put them through. 

TL;DR There aren’t any orphanages in the US. Adoption is very complicated and emotionally messy, but it’s great! I’m sorry not sorry I wrote an essay. 

*I give Meet the Robinsons a pass. Lots of kids who are up for adoption or who have been adopted struggle with it a lot. For some, they feel worthless because their foundational belief about themselves is that not even their own mother wanted them. For others, they feel guilty about betraying their birth family when they start to love the adoptive family. Some are rejected repeatedly. Almost all of them have been deeply hurt in the past. Meet the Robinsons acknowledges issues like these and told the story of a boy who dealt with them in a healthy way, and showed kids that it’s okay for them to be happy, and made a very cute and imaginative movie out of it, and I love it for existing. 

[memory-hoarder]

WARNING (LONG POST AHEAD)

I turn off the lights, scrolled my phone and clicked the Spotify app currently listening to (calming acoustic) 10: 05 PM, best time to unleashed all emotions that piled up from nowhere. I covered myself with a huge blanket and placed the laptop on my lap and decided to visit my page. I know, I'm being inactive lately but I'm doing my best to update my journal publicly to remind me of my long absences.

Tonight, I decided to post the questions I received a night before my birthday celebrated. I kept this on my file for a month now. Admittedly, this is the huge decision I made on my birthday. So, I asked a random people on my messenger lists - some are my work colleagues while others are acquaintances. At first, I am hesitant to ask for favor to anyone but I did. Well, I guess it was successful though I received different reactions - some confused and thought I was making fun while others are game on to sent their questions. Obviously, it took days for me to answered cos it turns out that I wasn't prepared myself for few questions that somehow affects me literally.

The twist here is I am not allow to send my answer to their questions. However, I can answer it through this journal. Which I described as bravery.

Here are some of the questions:

How’s Life? How’s Life?

A question that been asked me twice. Well, this year was the great sadness of my life that challenged me mentally, emotionally and drained me physically. Sometimes a mere struggle on financially. I’m doing fine but lots of times I seriously breaking down especially the trauma of what happened 8 months ago. But today, I accepted the fact and slowly healing me and appreciate what really God’s intention and plan for my life.

Are you happy right now?

Not sure how to put it into words but there is no reason not to be happy. Right? If you just appreciate the life you are living right now or even the smallest thing that makes you smile or giggle I guess there is no reason to be sad at all. Although, lots of times I felt happy, sad, angry or lost. But there are still lots of reasons to celebrate or be joyful too. I juts let myself felt all the emotions that life wanted me to experienced to remind me that I indeed exist. There are people who could bring me joy and sadness at the same time but all I know they are all part of my journey.

Have you ever missed me before we lost our communication? Do you consider me as true friend?

Of course, I do. I miss the old you the person who I genuinely treasured during my college days. And, you are one of the reasons why I indeed survived college. I just don’t understand why we both let this friendship died. Was it because we no longer catch up? But, how I hope building friendship again will no longer hard as I imagined. But, please know that you became part of my story. I always count on you whenever I am sad and confused. I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts because I know you will never judge me. Hope to see you again soon. Take care of yourself!

Why there are times you don’t have the mood to talk?

Because, I read my surroundings and I feel comfortable being alone not to isolate but to process my own thoughts with myself which my normal thing growing up and I choose this way - became aloof at times not wanted to talk to anyone or go out. It makes me sad to think only few understand my personality. However, I can't just normalize this because of extrovert people I knew. I don’t have mood to talk and I push away people closed to me because I find a happy place being alone. Its not sad or dark what it gives me is peace of mind that no on can offer.

Would you like to change your past or stay on your present path? Why and why not?

I believed majority will choose the past, we all wanted to change one thing that we regret of doing - apologies, goodbye's, places to travel, opportunities we must have and other important things we slip away that is why I choose the past over my present. One thing I am eager to experience all over again is my mom's precious life, only if I had the power to bring her back. I was just 16 years old when she died, and I think the years of her being a mother to us will never be enough. However, her life is a blessing and all the valuable teachings that she imparted on me and to my siblings will remain on us forever. How I wish for her to at least see as growing up especially my brother that she spoiled a lot, and for us to give back all the things she deserved. I imagined date her on a restaurant, buy her clothes, treat her to the salon or accompany her on the grocery store. I also wanted to visit the past to catch up with my high school friends – Mira and Jeno, I will never forget how they literally brings me deep joy and the reason I am early bird during junior high because of the dare. I just missed the sound of Jeno's sense of humor, I treated her more than a friend rather a sister and it broke me when I received the news that he's gone. I was not there for him nor visit his and mom's grave for years now. I wanted to comfort Mira, but I am too far away and impossible to have my own money for my flight expenses. What I did is to cried and prayed for his soul. All of the good memories flashed back once more yet I realized God might took away two beautiful souls in my life but I am confident they watching over and guiding me through life.

I am or was curious regarding James situation, did it ever cross your mind you regret James being your boyfriend?

In all of the questions I received this one hits me hard to the core. For everyone’s knowledge James and I are in a relationship for over 4 years now. Just like other couples we did fight over little things yet we matured and grow together. One thing I really loved about James Charlie is how kind and pure his heart. He helps people as long as he can even himself are struggling to live. Not to mention his over confidence that I am jealous of. I guess, because of how friendly and inviting his amour. Also, a talented one he knows how to dance, sing and imitate different kinds of sounds, He’s grammar and vocabulary are lit. He can also play guitar very well, draw portrait’s and even writing a poems. He knew, he won my heart through his creative abilities. I was also surprised how he interested over history of aliens, bermuda triangle, mermaids and what I consistently heard of the Pyramid of Giza, life documentaries and other related history of it. I find him sexy whenever he talked about some of it. Our age gap is never an issue on our relationship and I am lucky that he guided me on everything, considered my opinions or thoughts and when I freaked out badly which occasionally happened he handle me perfectly and I appreciated his temperament level during my anxiety attacks or whenever I choose to isolate myself him being shut off. He understood me in my own terms and be myself. Yet relationship will test your loved from one another, there were also things that I don’t like of him doing however James does listened to me. He listens to advises either coming from me or from other people that cared for him. He is a vocal person, that one thing that I fall for him is his sense of humor. I guess talkative and being clingy towards person is his nature especially growing up in a broken family. Consistent communication is a key. I remembered he told me that I was different to all the girls she dated on his past life. That I am out of his league, he doesn’t know that he is of out my league too but when I know him deeply he taught me lessons in life and felt his warm love. Over the course of our relationship he respect the limitless of our love language and he accepted and understood the love without intimacy is a different level of love and respect and from his perspective I wanted everyone to know that James has a huge respect towards me, my beliefs and reasons. How someone could wait for something that he can easily took away something on his past relationship. Our relationship is somehow changed us individually into a better person. Getting older, he became dreamer and goal oriented. I witnessed all his hard work, that he celebrated through silence. He wanted to build home and think of small business that will be our retirement in the future. How many kids we wanted or how many dogs we will going to breed. I guess, some people misunderstood James for so long, how miserable life that no one to talk and curse during your victories or failures? Friends and addiction in alcohol and other stuff are his way of escaped, escape from the reality that lead him to take his own precious life once. I know how difficult life for him way back on his early 20’s that he fought all his battle alone and how he overcome his depression and addiction without someone to lean on. And nowadays, everything makes sense to me that I realize being independent sometimes is not a choice but more on a decision. decision and accepting no one will guide you through your journey so you have to do it alone either it brings you sadness or happiness in a process, not to count living alone and make money all by yourself. I agreed he might do bad decision in life but that doesn’t mean his life has no purpose at all. Instead, God is confident that he will win this battle not for everyone, not for the sake of me or our relationship but for himself. As for our current situation, I know being with him and fight through the end will inspired him a lot. Yes, he currently working on his self and will prove to everyone when the time comes that he will be able to regain his new

life and continue living.

We introverts, tend to think a lot, like really overthink a lot. What do you mostly overthink and how deep? Deep, like does it leads you to think more negatively resulting to depression? (mild depression, maybe).

I overthink some scenarios on my head when it really affects my whole being and when every time I think of it, obviously it trigger my anxiety not depression I guess. I can recall one or two hard situations that happened to me, and I know it wasn’t me trying to act that way. I even punished myself and literally breakdown trying to hurt myself, call me freak or whatever cos now I asked myself too how I even allowed myself to did terrible things, because anxiety creeping on me and telling me to do it. But, mostly I think of is my future and myself – deep that it scared me a lot. I have lot of questions of this world that I keep on searching by myself until now.

Why it took for you to share your problems?

Honestly, when I’m having a serious problem I am not confident to share to anybody except to my family who already knew. It took too long because advises no longer work for me, I listened because it was normal people do – advise and advise. Maybe, it was me who are picky to share my problem with, sometimes people listened but never in heart. Not all people deserve to know your struggle and during your lowest times, I have my own terms of coping so you do.

How do you maintain your petite body? If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

Wow! I never see this coming. Well, I guess being fit is what I inherited on my father's side. They not so fat unlike on my mother's side. I have no limit on foods I intake in other words not your discipline person to look up to. I do eat carbs, junk foods and sodas is always on my list. I never worried if I am physically fit aside from walking Maxine during days off. I don't know how do I maintain this body I guess I'm never. Being fit actually is my insecurity. However, I do loved my body whatever what happen.

Well, if I had 3 wishes in life - first, to end this pandemic so that everything will back to normal. second, for James to have peace of mind and good health while waiting for the process of his case. And, lastly, for me to be strong, lasting patience and strong faith.

How would you solve your problems?

Problems is always part of lives. But, I believed it is always about the degree of the problem. Whenever, I had problem sometimes I resolved it in time but other times I need more time and space to think what will be the resort of it. And, pray for some guidance.

As independent being, how do you handle depression and anxiety?

Good thing to end all of this questions, I became independent when I graduated from college. I have to commute 131 kilometers back and forth from another city just to apply on my first job and the process is never easy at all. When you sent all of your applications form on each companies but never accepted It brought so much sadness, one point of my life I am eager to seek job because I used it as my coping mechanism to walked away from home which I did now, I walked away to protect my peace of mind especially having anxiety growing up and having this thing is hard as people imagined. You might only see darkness and feel of losing but for me, I guess for a year now I handled myself perfectly I never allow this condition to swallow me whole and affect my way of living. I reminded myself to keep strong and remain optimist and always protect my peace of mind at all cost.

.

I am 24 now strong and happy and leaving Haruki Murakami quote: "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what storms all about"

[delbeugre]

Have you seen SADIE BEUGRE? DEL is in HER/THEIR SENIOR year. The MATHEMATICS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say SHE/THEY are GRITTY, BEWITCHING, RETICENT and WASPISH. Rumors say they’re a member of HASTINGS. I heard from the gossip blog that SHE BIT AN EX-BOYFRIEND’S PINKY FINGER OFF AFTER SHE FOUND OUT HE CHEATED, AND THEN HAPPILY SERVED TIME FOR IT.

im tommy im a freak and of course i am here to get freakalicious with u all... this is my newest frankenstein type creation named sadie i know .02% about her yet but i am more than confident she will b nothing but a fun time! like this if ur down to plot!

TW: VIOLENCE, MENTIONS OF JAIL/PROSECUTION, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, DRUG USE

BACKSTORY

capricorn sun / virgo moon / scorpio rising

raised by her uncle Big (his name) who is a hermit shut in town local in the depths of the florida marshland like some goosebumps protagonist. hes gone far past socially acceptable in terms of his ability to connect with the modern person but is wise beyond belief... his whole vibe is a warped cross between a cryptid and a mountain man that forages and cooks neighborhood plants. married for 27 years before his wife passed from illness. its quite possibly the only thing hes ever been emotional about

but dels entry to his life throws a wrench in his sadness (despite abandonment being what they bond over). she takes the focus away from his loss with her presence; her dad, his brother, died in a tragic train-car collision around the same time (which is speculated to be a suicide bt nobody can ever really be sure). he was a single parent so her custody is thrown up in the air for a few months as cps decides what they r gna do with this freshly orphaned little scrapper

she just kinda turns up on his doorstep n from there they cohabit a space. shes arnd 6-7 at this time... big never seemed to b phased by the fact tht she was a child n tended to treat her more like an apprentice or guest. he was never close to her father because of their age difference, being the older out of the two, so to have his daughter become his responsibility is just..... weird

this doesnt mean that he wouldnt provide for her bt it was. not very parental whatsoever.... no conversation or interaction beyond what was necessary. she was a mute fr a while and still is? to a degree.... very short spoken

when she got to her preteens he offered her an allowance in exchange for little odds and ends of stuff to be taken care of around the house. errands n all tht.... sometimes he wld purposefully leave things for her to pick up n take care of without mentioning it for a bonus. taught her the importance of saving your money and the horrid corruptness of a society basing everythings worth off paper. big exposed her to a lot of knowledge and took advantage of her silent curiosity by fueling it with books, homeschooling, life skills (catching a fish, setting a trap, knowing your berries in the woods...... the works)

her teens carried out the same way bt with the introduction of a real job, a spot down at the local butcher shop checking people out at the register and helping around the back of house. del knows a great deal abt cow/pig/chicken/etc anatomy from her years here..... she committed to being 100% vegan into her early twenties because of her trauma frm this occupation

it paid very well tho n was the best gig she was going to get within a reasonable biking route from home. so she settled!

the plan wasnt to keep it up for long anyway. she worked rly hard for her spot at yates and didnt intend to ever screw herself over. her plan was to get her bachelors, masters, become a professor, pursue a personal hobby of agriculture and build an elaborate greenhouse to live in

bt things happen..... 

some 35yr old douche with a green thumb woos her at a gardening store n swoops in to teach her a little more abt romance; all of this, of course, under the guise that he had all these tips and tricks for living environmentally friendly. a lame hippie wannabe that shouldve never even approached her bt alas.... he did

love is a touchy subject n it hadnt been something she set her sights on, but she was interested in wht this dude could teach her n at 19 she ended up falling in love. she delayed her education to stay an extra year back home and work out another plan which included him

this was very disappointing to her uncle bt he didnt have anything to say abt it. it was never parental before n it was never going to be, so this was another lesson she wld just have to overcome on her own

it turns out that she doesnt care for infidelity. when the confession comes out its met with a lot of screaming, bawling, blistering white hot anger. the whole incident is blacked out of her mind to b honest....

matters of the heart are no longer something to concern herself with because of the repercussions of her rash behavior regarding heartbreak O________O she spent a year in jail n still has to attend therapy / anger management meetings

deep down she is still hurting. there was a lot of pain... bt the sadness is not over the loss of some noob. she is in a state of constant disappointment, detaching from herself out of shame. putting her own life on pause only for it to turn out like that? stupid stupid stupid... 

PERSONALITY

chugging along! tldr spectre-like swamp nymph aura with the slightest (not so slight) unhinged feral tendencies

delicate like a moth resting in the gleam of a flashlight.... her anger singes her wings when shes too comfortable staying in one place, so theres always constant stimulation, always shifting gears. shes prone to feeling threatened; that being said, sadie is wary of walking in crowds, a little bit skittish when approached without making eye contact beforehand. like a small grey kitten..... in a big wide world

has a hard time keeping a conversation bt is very interested in debate, and even more so in studying alongside someone in complete silence. it reminds her of home in the same sense tht her uncle wld nudge her to keep reading by always having his own book open

doesnt have many friends and is alright with that. rumors are tht she is still a virgin bt who really knows? not i...... bt i wldnt be surprised if this was true. shes not impressed by people nor material items so this whole yates crowd is a turn off

she is truly clueless when it comes to how to behave around anyone her age. i think she understands but it just doesnt compute. she could come off as impolite bt it is just standoffishness? some people cld try to crack her but i dont think even she knows what that would be, or what that would look like. even in her one (1) failed relationship it was never deep heart to hearts or sharing dinner..... solitude is her realm

del is very comfortable with herself, very open with her wardrobe! doesnt leave too much to the imagination? she appreciates the human experience n expresses that thru this whole “body is a temple” type thing.... not quite confidence, but proudness of being. has gotten multiple notices frm professors for her tops being too sheer, nylons too ratted up, etc. has dirt under her fingernails half the time, chipped polish, some chapstick. smudges her eyeshadow on with her fingers

doesnt smoke cigarettes all too often but is dependent on weed. it kinda perpetuates her paranoid demeanor bt at the same time it keeps her lax enough to be able to mentally handle city life

her room is a playground for huge monstera plants, christmas cacti, ivy creeping along the doorway. she sleeps on a tiny thin mattress on the floor with a linen sheet and has her books stacked up on the ground next to it to hold her ashtray. the whole thing is dumb empty

takes her studies seriously and pinches every penny she can..... she has never ordered herself a coffee frm somewhere before, ordered food frm a restaurant... nothing. i wld think the most she would branch out from harvesting everything on her own is buying a bag of sunflower seeds frm a gas station, but even then, she much prefers eating stuff she grows herself. has a tomato plant, some basil beginning to sprout, etc.... manageable crops for any college students tiny space

...

bt yea thats it thats all! connections cld be all over the place. im legit open to anything. theres only a few tht come to mind right off that bat: 

a few people that get along with her? same classes? they shared a bowl n now theyre getting into the nitty gritty of some personal conversation that is veering into no mans land....

some sort of clueless makeover moment? arent rly into sadie as a person bt see a lot of potential... perhaps need a plus one to a party on the fly and figure thats the best option theyve got

crushes? this wld be fun n potentially dangerous! like playing with a hot cast iron pan or something :)

again im vry new to rp so i wld like to leave a lot of stuff up to chemistry, brainstorming n stuff like that, but please consider everything on the table! what i hav mentioned is the tip of the iceberg im so burnt out n i wrote a lot more than i intended to i am so sorry but i promise i am friendly

[monotonous-minutia]

same rules as last time, another topic.

Taking advantage of this one to ramble a little on something that’s been on my mind since I saw the ending of the 2006 Salzburg Idomeneo. Pardon my lit crit nerdiness. Also TW for discussions of mental illness and suicidal ideation (in the context of the opera).

Under the line because it got really long…if only I could find this much motivation for my philosophy papers.

At the end of this production, during the ballet music written to represent Idamante’s coronation, they used it as an opportunity to give us some adorable flirting with Idamante and Ilia after the big final chorus and everyone being happy and relieved. I loved that; this opera is so full of angst we don’t get much calm or sweetness aside from Ilia’s aria at the top of Act III (which is still kinda angsty) and the following duet with Idamante. So it was nice to see them finally relaxed and able to enjoy each other’s company without the looming crisis and heavy amounts of despair.

But then at the very very end we get this moment where they both come to an abrupt pause when Idamante sees the ax his father was going to use to kill him with for the sacrifice. Because Idomeneo is the epitome of Useless Tenor, he decided to just leave it lying around.

Idamante just stops in his tracks and stares at it. Ilia sees it too and then she immediately looks at Idamante to see his reaction, and he stares back at her for a minute. They both start to back away and Idamante looks back at the ax and puts his hands to his neck.

First time around this blindsided me and I started freaking out because I thought maybe someone was going to do something with the ax after all—both Elettra and Idomeneo were wandering around in the background at this point so there was a lot of possibility. Or maybe even Neptune. He did give Elettra a dagger, after all, presumably to encourage her to use it on herself. (Arbace in that moment proved himself to be the only tenor with half a brain cell and took it away from her.)

Thankfully nothing along those lines happened, but I was angry that the directors made my mind go there and upset that we couldn’t just give Idamante and Ilia the peaceful happy ending they so deserve by this point.

But the more I thought of it, I started to respect the decision to put that part in there. It does something that none of the other productions I’ve seen have done—it gives us a vivid look into Idamante’s mind in terms of his trauma, which would very likely occur after such a dramatic series of events. And it got me thinking.

Idamante is very clearly depressed in this piece. Pretty much every opera character ever talks frequently about their emotional pain and grief, but basically 50% of Idamante’s lines are about how sad he is about pretty much everything. Almost every time he exits the stage directions say he does so “sadly” or “in despair.” He talks about wandering aimlessly until he dies, seeing no purpose in his life.

He does have moment of happiness—when he thinks his father is coming home, when he finds out he’s alive, when he finds out Ilia loves him, and even when he realizes he’s going to have to die to save his people. But the first experience we have of Idamante is basically him telling Ilia that he wants to die. This is a sentiment he makes more than once throughout the course of the opera. 

In the beginning, he’s celebrating the end of the war and the fact that he can free the prisoners, and his father will be coming home soon. But he’s distracted by the fact that he’s in love with Ilia—whom he does not know loves him in return, because she hates his people on principle for being the enemies of her family (not that we can really blame her for that). She’s reluctant to show feelings for him. As we will learn, Idamante (following operatic convention) perceives the world in extremes; she’s cold towards him which makes him think she hates him. The war is over, his people are at peace, he’s making the executive decision to set the prisoners free so they can live in harmony with his people. Despite all this, he’s distracted by the despair he feels about his relationship (or lack thereof) with Ilia. A depressed mind can’t always find enough comfort in the good stuff to use it as motivation. And she apparently wants him dead. Being a people-pleaser, he offers to let that happen. He just wants to hear her ask it herself. Possibly because he secretly thinks she’s too nice to actually ask that. And if she’s in a place that she would, or even kill him herself, he’s in trouble anyway, so why stick around?

I’m not saying this is solid logic; it’s opera logic.

The second time he says he wants to die is right before his love duet with Ilia. By this point he’s been rejected by his father multiple times and he still thinks Ilia hates him. His people don’t need him, because the king has returned, and aside form that he’s being sent away anyway. He just found out there’s a terrible monster (which gets no other description) running around destroying things and Idomeneo isn’t doing anything about it. So he plans on going after it himself and notes that even if he does mange to kill it, he’s probably going to die in the process, and he’s okay with that because he feels no hope in his life.

Ilia finally tells him she doesn’t want him to die because she actually does love him. Don’t ask me why it took her so long to say this when she’d already asked Idomeneo to basically adopt her an entire act earlier.

Idamante finally feels like he has something to live for. His father might hate him, his kingdom may not need him, but if Ilia wants to be a part of his life, he has a purpose again. This joy does not last very long, though. Idomeneo, who seems to have a habit of coming when he’s not needed and staying away when he is, shows up and interrupts their duet so abruptly that every time the track ends on my mezzo playlist I get whiplash. Idomeneo is upset that Ilia loves Idamante, because that’s just one more person that’s going to be hurt when he sacrifices Idamante. Once again, however, he refrains from telling people what the heck is actually going on, preferring to leave them in the dark, which, if he paid any attention, makes people much more miserable than the truth would. So all Idamante hears is that not only does his father inexplicably hate him, he’s also forbidding him to be with the person he’s in love with.

By now Idamante’s basically experienced the full gamut. He’s been in and out of love with Elettra; he’s suffered the thought that Ilia hates him; he’s faced the joy of finding out that’s not the case; he’s been through the roller coaster of first thinking that his dad is finally coming home after then ten-year war, then despairing at his death, then a few hours later finding out he’s actually alive, only to have his father reject him upon their first reunion and several times after. Further, he just found out (or thinks he’s found out, because Idomeneo is terrible at describing things) that it’s his fault the gods are punishing his people and that this terrible monster is ravaging the city. Now his father is asking him to leave and never return. Idamante says that he’ll do that to please his father, but he’s probably just going to die along the way, and that truthfully that’s what he wants to happen at this point.

The only thing that finally makes Idamante happy is when he finds out that his father has to kill him. His joy is twofold. One, he finally knows why his father has been such a dick to him. Precious sunflower that he is, he thinks it’s totally okay that his father treated him that way because it was apparently out of love. Because repeatedly being rejected isn’t as bad when the person doing the rejecting is doing it because they don’t want to kill you. Even though said rejecting hurt worse than death and almost led to your death anyway. That’s the excuse Idomeneo has. Idamante is not only a victim of the gods, but of one of the most extreme cases of Disastrous Tenor Logic ever seen in opera.

The second part of his joy comes from the realization that he has the ability to save his people. He just managed to kill the terrible monster miraculously without dying, but he only saved himself because he found out his father needs to kill him. And now he’s bursting with joy because he can help his father gain peace of mind and protect his kingdom from the wrath of the gods. He spends the next several minutes forgiving Idomeneo for being an asshole and comforting him, despite the fact that he’s the one that’s going to die. The only value he sees in his life at this moment is the fact that it’s going to end.

If it weren’t for Ilia, who knows if Idamante would have survived, because Neptune sure took his time to intervene. But even after the love of his life rescues him, Idamante still wants to die. He finally has what he wants—the love of his father and the love of Ilia—but he’s still prepared to die because by this point he sees it as his destiny. Once again it falls on him to do the comforting. He tries to convince Ilia to let go, be happy, and let him die in peace. There is very little indication from Idamante that he’s sad about losing his life for its own sake. Only for the way it’s going to affect others.

People who are suicidal tend to think that the world would be a better place without them. Here that is literally the case: the chaos will only cease when Idamante is dead. So not only does Idamante spend the majority of this opera feeling hopeless and wanting to die because of that, he finds out that by dying he’s going to be more useful to the living than if he himself were to continue to live. The inaccurate assumption that the world is better off without him, brought on by his depression, has suddenly become reality. They couldn’t have chosen a better victim.

Then Neptune saves him and announces Idamante will be king (because it’s finally clicked that Idomeneo is doing a shit job) and that he’ll marry Ilia. Suddenly his life has purpose again. Suddenly, it’s not his death that would make people happy; it’s his life.

It’s opera seria so we want a happy ending, and usually we get a happy ending. Not so much with this production, though. The way these directors ended their Clemenza wasn’t my favorite—not nearly enough hugging—but it wasn’t specifically taking a step in a darker direction. It left us with some suspended angst, knowing it’s not possible, after the events of the opera, for things to go back to the way they were before, when people were happy.

This one, though, took things further. As described earlier, we get this eerie moment of Idamante stopping in his tracks and staring at the weapon that almost killed him. No one uses the ax. No one’s touching it. But the sight of it is enough to send him to a dark place.

At this point Idamante has faced, in a remarkably short amount of time, joy, despair, depression, elation, self-loathing, self-worth, suicidal ideation, and the desire to live. He’s basically felt the full spectrum of human emotion. And he’s faced death twice in the span of maybe an hour: at the hands of the terrible monster, and at the hands of his own father.

He was completely willing to lay down his life for the greater good, but an honorable death is still dying. Right now he’s dancing around with Ilia, celebrating life and love and joy, and then in an instant he’s faced with the memory of the fact that he almost died. Now that he has the ability to appreciate life, that concept is terrifying.

Before watching this moment, it had weirdly never occurred to me the lifelong impact that this series of events would have on Idamante. But looking back it seems kind of obvious that it would. In opera we’re used to people just dying, not getting rescued at the last minute. In most productions, Idomeneo is poised to make the final blow before Ilia intervenes. Idamante is certain these are his last seconds on earth, but suddenly the aren’t. He’s given a second chance to live again, but he’s still left with that feeling. That he was going to die. That his father was going to kill him.

So as much as I want them to just have a happy, carefree ending, that’s not realistic. As the Paris Clemenza pointed out, there’s no way things can go back to the way they were before. Idamante is king now (though he’s probably used to that, having basically run the place in his father’s absence anyway). He finally has Ilia’s love and permission to marry her. He finally has his father back, both physically (he’s here) and emotionally (he’s finally being nice again). His people are safe and will be protected. The war is over. The people are united. But the price of this was days (maybe weeks, depending on how the time span is portrayed) of despair, of the wish to die, and finally a near-death experience. This is a recipe for trauma. On the outside his life is now perfect; he has everything he wants. But the mental and emotional backlash is going to be brutal.

All this is to say…after thinking about it in this way, I actually really appreciate that the directors put this in. Yeah, I wish the opera could end on a happy note with some cute flirting and cuddles. But that would be minimizing the significance of the trauma for Idamante. I’ve always appreciated this opera for the way it emphasizes the intense emotions felt by Idamante (and the others, but mostly this kid) which are almost a commentary on mental illness. In some ways it shows us the same ultimatum we see in so many operas: love or death. “If I can’t have this person as my love, my only peace is in the grave.” How many times have we heard that (or some variant) coming from the mouths of operatic protagonists (and sometimes villains)? But this opera has always hit a little different for me. Maybe it’s because of how many times Idamante expresses this feeling, in various contexts. Maybe it’s because of the multiple facets of his life that impact his feelings. Or the complex web of relationships that add their own influence. Or the fact that he’s not making these comments to himself, as we see much of the time in opera, but flat-out stating them to the people in his life who have the power to make him feel better and literally save his life, but who for the longest time refuse to do so.

The ending of this production validates all of that by reminding us that Idamante’s problems are not easily swept away by the proclamations of a god. They’re still very real and very much a part of his life, and will be for some time—maybe forever.

He’s traumatized. Seeing the ax again triggered that trauma, and he’s left with the haunting truth that this trauma may never go away.

It’s honestly a really ingenious device and it just added so many layers to this concept for me.

Although…it would have been nice to see Idamante and Ilia hug before the lights go down.

[paradox-n-bedrock]

Okay, here we go! I'm so excited 😁 hahaha I have to start with "la chaleur dans ma vie" because that's what introduced me to you and your writing. Please share anything about your process regarding the dynamic between Zelda and Marie here, because it walks that beautiful line of softness and slight friction. And also I'd love to hear more about how you started picturing Marie in a domestic setting - what she wears, how she inhabits spaces, what she likes to cook etc :)

(Find the fic here.)

Let’s do this! I’ll probably spread out answering these throughout the day, so I can think about them, but I’m excited too!

Alright, “la chaleur dans ma vie”. This story is kind of an outlier, because mentally I set it in my fix-it verse, because I was not emotionally prepared to be writing in anything that looked like a post-part 3 canon, but it really is a stand-alone Zarie story. I’m glad I included it, because the latter stories are so Lilith heavy. But it’s really just a peek into the early days of their relationship, once Zelda has accepted that she cares -- cares and trusts enough that she doesn’t freak out over having Marie roaming her home with Sabrina about -- but is a long way from being comfortable with that, or with how fully Marie seems to be throwing herself into the relationship.

I tend to write in close 3rd, but this was my first time doing it with Marie’s POV and I was hella stressed about it. I always want to do her justice. I want her to be her own person and never divorce her from her culture. I want her to be soft towards Zelda, but not passive. I wanted a balance of her being caring (but not a caretaker, a role I feel she slides easily into) and Zelda caring for her in return. She’s empathetic, but it’s important that she’s not doing all the emotional labor in the relationship, especially if I’m writing Zelda with romantic inclinations towards both Marie and Lilith. 

So, I thought about her relationship history. I headcanon Marie as a lesbian and I looked a lot into the attitude towards sexuality in Vodou (and found that Vodou is more accepting than the broader Haitian culture). I thought about her having experiences, as many people do, even in wlw relationships, where her perceptiveness had her doing more or accepting more shit than she reasonably should, because she does so thoroughly understand what the other person is going through. She’s already learned that lesson and doesn’t want it to happen with Zelda. 

The key moment, though, is when Marie starts to verbally set boundaries. Zelda fears pushing Marie away and self-sabotages by engaging in the exact sort of behavior that could lead to it, but when Marie calls her on it, she wants to step up. She realizes that Marie’s boldness is exactly what she wants. She wants Marie to be able to be fully herself, even as overwhelmed as she might feel sometimes. She tells her that she “brings warmth into her life”, as the title references, and that really is how I think of them.

Oh! Her domesticity, though. I really like contrasting Marie with the women of the show who have such weight on their shoulders about how they are perceived. It’s such a change to write someone without that level of trauma or stress. And a lot of fun to write someone who doesn’t think twice about putting on someone else’s clothes and rummaging through their kitchen, all for the sake of doing something sweet. She doesn’t feel too emotionally exposed or anxious, she doesn’t overanalyze every move she makes. She's one of few characters who are ever shown dressed casually, so that’s interesting, but she’s very femme, so if pieces of her own wardrobe start sneaking over to the Spellman house, I picture a long robe with a shorter nightgown. I thought about how she might wrap her hair at night, and that Zelda would be the self-conscious one. For daywear, flowy dresses in soft fabrics, bolder patterns and brighter colors than we see from anyone else. She’s fond of floor-length and sleeveless, or off the shoulder. Some loose pants and warmer tops to account for New England weather. (We have limited screentime of her, but I’ve spent a lot of time trying to extrapolate, haha.) As far as food, I wish we knew how long ago she left Haiti for New Orleans, but I see her as someone who likes to experiment. She wants to share her favorites from home with Zelda, but my Marie has a wide repertoire and enjoys expanding it.

Thanks! I hope I actually covered what you wanted to know!

[paladin-lynx]

“why are we whispering?” with like,, anyone from the arcana if you play it but if you don’t, with anyone from be more chill!!

I actually just recently started playing “The Arcana” but haven’t gotten very far, so I don’t think I can write anything about it just yet. Maybe soon! So for now, I’ll go with “Be More Chill” and a pairing that I’ve been meaning to write about for a while!

Send me a character/ship/fandom and a prompt and I’ll write something!

Fandom: Be More Chill (musical)

Ships: The SQUIP x Jeremy Heere (Technical Difficulties/Squipemy/Squeremy/JereSquip)

Setting: Post-musical AU where the SQUIP somehow returned as a human and was redeemed/rehabilitated by Jeremy (with the help of the rest of the squad), and lives with him having had nowhere else to go. He looks pretty similar to how he looked in Jeremy’s head, and physically he looks to be around college age.

It had already been a good few months since the SQUIPcident, as it had been deemed, and even if things were weird, they were going relatively well. Jeremy would never forget how initially terrified he’d been when suddenly a familiar Keanu Reeves-esque looking individual had shown up at his front door. Even if he’d looked worse for wear and rather pathetic, the voices in Jeremy’s head had been screaming, “it’s the SQUIP, he’s going to hurt you, he’s going to ruin your life again, you can’t trust him, get away—” and he’d slammed the door in his face.

But of course, upon hearing the tentative knocking and quiet voice – still with that almost ridiculous-sounding surfer lilt – asking him to please listen, empathetic Jeremiah Heere couldn’t help but open the door again and give it another try. He supposed it had made sense that his SQUIP had picked up traits from him, given that they’d shared a brain for a time, but it was still strange to see what it looked like when he fell into a panic attack.

From there, everything had changed. Jeremy had taken it upon himself to teach his former SQUIP – who they defaulted to just called ‘Squip’ – how to be a proper human being. It was strange, in a way, because here was someone who used to be a machine that knew the ins and outs of social interaction, that could read every single vital of its host and deduce when something specific was needed, and yet he tended to forget to do basic human things. Jeremy would constantly have to remind him to eat, chastise him for staying up too late, tell him that some of his behaviors weren’t exactly acceptable. It was almost like their roles had been reversed. Squip was embarrassed about it but chalked it up to still being used to being a supercomputer, who didn’t have to do all of the things that it kept tabs on for its user.

If there was anything that Squip was the worst at doing, it was sleeping. Of course, Jeremy knew that there was a reason behind it other than just forgetting to, because as a stupid squishy human, it was difficult to go too long without it. Jeremy heard Squip’s screams in the middle of the night, even if Squip liked to act like he silenced himself before anyone noticed, and Jeremy was familiar enough with nightmares to know that they could scare you away from wanting to sleep even if you were tired to the bone. But the result was that Squip tended to sleep in the middle of the day, which wouldn’t be a huge deal if there weren’t times he’d just straight-up passed out over things he was doing. He’d almost hurt himself on multiple occasions because of it, but he seemed to be getting better at reading the signs and getting himself somewhere comfortable before promptly zonking out. He seemed to sleep better during the day, and Jeremy wasn’t sure if that was because he felt safer with the buzz of activity in the Heere household around him, or if his mind was just too exhausted to come up with a nightmare.

Jeremy and Squip had sat and talked about their trauma together quite frequently. It was actually pretty easy to discuss it with one another because they understood it best out of everyone. Jeremy knew now that Squip had human feelings and an actual conscience that he felt awfully guilty for everything and was hoping that becoming human was his second chance to be a good influence on Jeremy. Jeremy always tried to tell him that he shouldn’t feel too bad about the past because he’d been forced to follow his code and there was even a chance he had been defective – and Jeremy also pointed out that some of the pain others had felt had been his own fault, without Squip’s help – but Squip still refused to accept that. He was determined to spend the rest of his life making up for his actions. He’d even said he didn’t want to give himself a ‘real name’ until he felt he’d earned it, despite the fact that they both knew he couldn’t go out into the real world calling himself ‘Squip’.

And as time went on, Jeremy and Squip got ever closer. It was easier for Jeremy to forgive him than he had initially thought it would be, because this version of Squip was so different. It was obvious now that he was free from the shackles of his programming, he was an entirely new being. He could still act a bit stuck-up and like a know-it-all, because he still had a lot of knowledge stuffed into his now-human brain, but he was also funny, clever, and never missed an opportunity to help someone. Even the rest of Jeremy’s new squad – even Michael – had slowly come to accept him. But even if Squip had become part of the group, he was closest to Jeremy and, honestly, Jeremy was becoming incredibly fond of him. It was a bit difficult for him not to, really.

Of course, Squip still tended to stay in Jeremy’s house for the most part. He sometimes wandered out on the town while Jeremy was at school and Mr. Heere was at work, but without identification and much money, there was only so much he could do on his own. Jeremy knew that he liked to frequent the park because now that he could actually feel things, he had become a bit obsessed with nature, which was kind of funny considering how technologically-inclined he was.

Today was a day like any other. Because it was Friday afternoon, Michael was coming over after school so that they could spend stay up stupidly late playing video games and gorging themselves with junk food and soda – nothing with Mountain Dew, though. Jeremy was religiously staying away from the brand from now on, to be safe, even though Squip was very obviously out of his head.

“I am not going to see the Sonic the Hedgehog movie with you,” Jeremy said as they walked up the steps to his house, fishing his key out of his pants pocket.

Michael pouted at him. “Why not? It’ll be great! You can’t go to that movie by yourself! Do you know how embarrassing that’ll be?”

“Not nearly as embarrassing as you constantly making comments about how I’ll wanna get it on with Sonic.”

Michael snickered, nudging Jeremy with his shoulder as they stopped in front of the door. “I’ve gotta be supportive of my furry best friend, don’t I? Maybe Tails’ll be in it, too! You know all the jokes online about his second tail being a b—”

“Mell,” Jeremy hissed, his cheeks burning as he fumbled to get the key in the lock, muttering under his breath, even slipping into Japanese for a moment without really realizing. As he finally shoved the key into the slot, he collected himself. “Honestly, with all the freaking ridiculous research you do, I’d say you’re the furry. And, for the record, I do not wanna do anything with Sonic. Or Tails. Or any of them!”

Michael laughed again, more heartily this time, as he followed Jeremy through the now open door. “I’m doin’ all the work because you’re too ashamed to. I, of course, have absolutely no shame. So I’m helping ya out. You’re welcome, by the way. But I do know you prefer your catgirls. I guess they gotta look somewhat human for you to—”

“Michael.”

“Look, I know as well as you do that your dad isn’t home right now, so I will keep talking about this. I mean, you remember Krystal from Star Fox? Of course you do. They knew exactly what they were doing when they designed her. Although I guess you also really liked Scar and Kovu, so maybe they don’t—”

“Michael.”

“Come on, Jere, I—”

“Michael!” Jeremy finally turned to his friend and waved one hand in a ‘keep it down’ gesture as he quietly closed the door.

Michael blinked, clamping his mouth shut in surprise. He waited a moment before he spoke again, much more softly: “Why are we whispering?”

Jeremy pointed to the living room, where the TV was playing a re-run of Rick and Morty. And there, sprawled on the couch fast asleep, one arm hanging off the edge, was Squip.

“Oh,” Michael murmured, once again trailing behind Jeremy as they went into the living room, slipping off their shoes and backpacks along the way.

Jeremy shed his coat and tossed it onto one of the armchairs before padding over to the couch, his expression softening as he gazed down at his housemate. There had only been a handful of times he’d seen his SQUIP look peaceful, and they were so few and far between that he wasn’t even sure he could remember the exact contexts. But seeing him now – mouth slightly open, black hair splayed on one of the small couch pillows with that one silly white streak falling somewhat into his face, brow not creased in concentration like it always used to be – warmed Jeremy’s heart in a way he couldn’t quite explain. Squip had said at one point that Jeremy should want him dead after what he did, to which Jeremy had said that he couldn’t wish something like that even on his worst enemy, let alone someone on the path to redemption.

Jeremy grabbed the blanket draped over the back of the couch and gently lay it over Squip, tugging it into place so he was properly covered. When Squip mumbled something and shifted slightly, Jeremy feared he’d woken him up, but Squip simply grabbed the blanket and pulled it up, nuzzling into it and humming contently, still very much asleep.

Jeremy couldn’t help breaking into a smile and reaching down to gently brush that white streak off of Squip’s forehead, letting his hand linger for a moment and just watching the former supercomputer.

“You’re so whipped for him, dude.”

Michael’s words snapped Jeremy out of his reverie and he pulled his hand back as if he’d been burned, his cheeks going up in flames. He looked up at Michael with wide eyes. “What?” he whisper-yelled, and he swore his voice went up at least ten octaves. “I am not!”

Michael just quirked an eyebrow in his trademarked ‘you know I’m right’ way. “You so are, Jere. I’ve seen the way you look at him when we’re all hanging out together, and just now. You used to look at Christine that way.”

Jeremy’s face was still dark red, almost putting Michael’s prized hoodie to shame, and he peeked down at Squip again. Squip had always been attractive, even when he had just been a projection of Jeremy’s mind. Jeremy had a feeling that was intentional, because he would be more willing to listen to and follow the orders of someone he was interested in. Of course, Jeremy had been struggling with his bisexuality then, so he wouldn’t have ever accepted the fact that he was maybe attracted to someone who presented male. But perhaps, like Rich, being freed from the commanding voice in his head had made him come to a few realizations.

And now, the new human Squip was ever the charmer, using little pet names constantly, always knowing what to say in that smooth-as-honey voice of his, cracking a smirk that could make anyone’s knees weak and okay, maybe could make a few people question their sexuality. He’d come back from his excursions plenty of times with little slips of paper in his pocket with various phone numbers, and maybe it made Jeremy a little envious that Squip had only been around like this for a handful of months and could get more people to ask him out merely by existing than Jeremy could by using every trick in the figurative book of romance. Not even Christine had stuck around, after everything they’d gone through, although they were still very close as friends.

But that didn’t mean Jeremy was into Squip.

…Right?

Jeremy huffed, stepping away from the couch and snatching up his coat, grabbing Michael’s abandoned one along the way so he could stomp over to the closet and hang them up. “You’re high.”

“Nope. I am one-hundred percent sober, Jere-bear. You like him. Like like him.”

Jeremy was too flustered to make fun of Michael for using the elementary school phrase and instead just glared at his friend as he came back over to join him in the living room. “I do not,” he repeated.

Michael smiled, amusement dancing in his eyes. “You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself.”

Michael had known Jeremy for over twelve years, and even if he sometimes didn’t understand what Jeremy was going through, he knew all of Jeremy’s tendencies and mannerisms down to a T. It was part of why Michael had been so worried when Jeremy had started changing after getting his SQUIP. So of course, if anyone was going to know that Jeremy was going through a romantic crisis, it was Michael.

Jeremy let out a slow breath, trying to rub the heat out of his cheeks, as if that would work. The more Michael commented on his apparent predicament, the less and less inclined Jeremy was to disagree. He peeked down at Squip’s sleeping form once more, just in time to see him murmur something in Japanese that Jeremy sort of understood as “very comfy” and turn over to face the other way, and Jeremy’s heart stuttered.

“…So what if I do?” he mumbled, shoving his hands into his pants pockets.

Michael shrugged, flashing him another little grin. “You do you, my man. I mean, it’s a little weird because he used to be a pill in your head and tried to take over the world with you as his sleeper agent. But I guess it’s not that much weirder than you being into animal people.”

“You are the absolute worst,” Jeremy groaned, lolling his head back in exasperation for a moment before sighing. “It’s not like he would wanna date me anyway. He has so many admirers. He could have literally anyone he wants.”

“You know I’ve never actually called any of those numbers I’ve received.”

Jeremy and Michael both froze at the voice, and Jeremy’s gaze snapped down to the couch again. There was Squip, eyes open and watching him curiously, a tiny, sleepy smile on his lips.

“Y-you’re…awake?” Jeremy squeaked, his blush returning full-force. “I, uh, you…H-how much did you hear…?”

“Just enough.” Squip chuckled and sat up, still holding the blanket to his chest in a way that Jeremy decided he should not find as cute as it was. “I know you were trying to be quiet, but I wasn’t in that deep of a sleep to begin with. But I felt rude interrupting.”

“You were eavesdropping. That’s worse,” Jeremy argued, and Michael laughed, excusing himself to go raid the kitchen. Jeremy silently cursed him for leaving him alone with his maybe kind of crush that he’d just realized he maybe had.

Squip only smiled again, letting the blanket drop into his lap and picking up the remote to turn off the TV. He set it down again and beckoned Jeremy to sit with him. After a moment of hesitation, the boy did so and Squip turned to face him, tilting his head like he always did when he was thinking.

They sat there in silence for what to Jeremy felt like an eternity – but was probably no more than ten seconds – and he fidgeted in his spot, finally piping up. “So…”

“…I may not have been human for long,” Squip began, “and I may still be figuring some things out, but I do know that I feel strongly for you. Up until recently, I had thought that it was perhaps just residual attachment from when I was your SQUIP, and the persisting need to look after you and care for your well-being, but I’m beginning to think that it may be something…more than that. And I wouldn’t be averse to seeing what developments come out of it.”

Jeremy just blinked dumbly at him. “…In English, please?”

Squip just laughed warmly, slipping a hand into Jeremy’s hair and pulling him forward to plant a soft kiss to his forehead. “I like like you, too, sweetheart.”

[homeforchristmas-au]

Character bios/descriptions

Here’s some descriptions of the sides in this au cos i wanna talk about them like all day lol

Patton Sanders (formerly Shepard):

Age: 29

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 5’6”

Straight chestnut brown hair, chocolate brown eyes, hint of a tan but nothing too extreme, rectangular glasses with black frames, usually wears clothes that are comfortable (especially oversized jumpers), loves wearing beanies (often steals Logan’s, who hesitantly allows it) (mostly cos he’s really freaking cute in them)

Really good with kids (ofc) and is such a people person, but can get shy around older people (specifically men old enough to be his dad)

Very good at reading emotions and knowing what people need, whether it’s a hug or alone time

Has asthma, but it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be

Is an only child to a mother and father, but ended up running away cos his dad became really overly aggressive

His uncle on his mothers side is Emile, who is married to Thomas, and they both took Patton in once it became clear that emiles sister and her husband were unfit parents (although Patton’s mom was much better with Patton and actually helped him run away) which was when he had his last name changed to Sanders

He met Logan when he ran away and they both went to emile and Thomas’s house together (I actually wrote the story of how they met for 25 Days of Ficmas on my main blog uwu)

They started out as friends for a long time until Patton found himself falling for Logan, who revealed that he had been crushing on Patton for quite some time

Their relationship started out rocky as neither of them knew exactly how to date (theyd dated other people before, they were just remarkably bad at it) but they made it through in the end

Logan Sanders (formerly Adams):

Age: 28

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 5’11”

Curly, light brown hair, amber eyes, moderately fair skinned, a lot of freckles on his face and arms, round glasses with silver frames, dresses much differently depending on if he’s home or in public - at home he’ll wear T-shirts and casual lounge pants and beanies and stuff, but in public typically sticks with a polo shirt and jeans, sometimes with a necktie depending on the setting

Has a tendency to put up a cold exterior around strangers or when in a public setting, but around loved ones he’s much more relaxed and casual, but still usually struggles to express his feelings.

He’s an amazing father, although sometimes he doubts this despite how much his kids absolutely adore him (he also has a tendency to doubt his own intelligence, even though he’s incredibly smart)

Is autistic, on the high functioning end of the spectrum, and has worked with professionals for basically his whole life to work on reading social cues and such, which he’s much better at now

Has three younger sisters - from oldest to youngest, Ellen, Renae, and Ashley. Logan being the oldest sibling, he’s always felt quite protective of his sisters. Can and will physically fight the whole planet for them

Their father died when Logan was 16. He was completely distraught over this and ran away from home. It was the most reckless, impulsive thing he’d ever done, but he doesn’t regret it for a single second, because that was how he met the love of his life

He did end up going back home to his family, because he knew they needed him

Virgil Sanders:

Age: 4 (birthday December 19)

Pronouns: he/him

Height: idk however tall four year olds are

Floppy black hair, gunmetal blue eyes, about as pale as a vampire, always wearing something purple (most notably the light purple polo shirt Logan couldn’t resist getting him, as well as his dark purple jumper that’s a size too big)

He’s fairly shy, though Patton and Logan tend to avoid calling him as such (they typically say introverted), but once he warms up to new people he’s a delight (it took him quite some time to fully trust Janus, but even from day one it was clear they connected on some level). He adores insects and arachnids, and much to Patton’s dismay, his favourite is spiders. He wants to be an entomologist when he grows up, but he can never remember the word for it, so he says “bug scientist”

Is suspected to be autistic but has yet to be tested for it

He was adopted by Patton and Logan when he was an infant. His mother was sixteen years old and had to give the baby up, due to her parents insistence, plus she knew she was unfit anyway, and it didn’t help that the father completely abandoned her. Patton and Logan matched with her in the adoption process when she was three months pregnant and it was quite the journey from start to finish

Roman & Remus Sanders:

Age: 8 (birthday June 14)

Pronouns: both he/him

Height: uh average

Both fairly tanned having spent over half their childhood in the sunlight, Roman has short dark mahogany brown hair and forest green eyes, Remus has longer, curly dark mahogany brown hair with jade green eyes, they both have dark freckles, Roman’s mostly on his cheeks while Remus’s are basically all over his body, and Remus has a gap in his extremely crooked teeth as well as green braces. Roman has all manner of Disney apparel, but he especially loves wearing his white Mickey Mouse shirt with the long red sleeves, and he’s also unafraid to wear traditionally “feminine” clothes like dresses and skirts. Remus... prefers not wearing clothes at all honestly but Logan and Patton insist on it, so he tries to wear as few clothes as possible, usually his neon green tank top and dark brown cargo shorts

They’re very different from each other but they do have similarities and can work well together. They pretty much never admit it but they do love each other despite their differences and near constant bickering.

They’re both dramatic, but in somewhat different ways. Roman is dramatic in that way that’s like “I’m literally tinkerbell because you have to give me attention or I’ll die”, while Remus is more like “this little tiny thing inconvenienced me so I’m gonna overreact and formulate murder plans against whoever/whatever dare make my life unbearably difficult”. They’re also both very creative, but of course they have different views on creativity (I doubt I need to get into specifics). They also both love Disney, but roman is more into classic Disney while Remus prefers Pixar

They both seem to exhibit traits of ADHD but haven’t been tested for it yet

They were around three years old when their mom and dad both died in a car accident. It was two years after that that Patton and Logan decided to adopt them both, despite only planning on adopting one child. Virgil was a year old at this time, and they wanted an older kid, and they ended up with two. And really that was fine by them, they just knew that this was it; no more kids, at least for a little while

Janus REDACTED

Age: 15 (birthday February 3)

Pronouns: he/him/they/them

Height: 5’7”

Medium length light golden brown hair, two different coloured eyes (right - cognac, left - chartreuse), fair skinned with a red birthmark taking up most of the left side of his face, missing right leg where he had to get an above-the-knee amputation, which causes him to need forearm crutches, he usually wears clothes that cover as much of his body as possible, and he oftentimes - if not constantly - wears foundation and concealer to hide his birthmark, although Patton and Logan insist it’s not necessary

He tends to avoid people when possible, since he’s developed quite the trust issues over the years. Going from foster home to foster home has made it difficult to allow himself to get close with anyone. In spite of this, he always seems to find himself bonding with the kids in his foster families. Especially the Sanders family when they first took him in (their original plan was to simply foster him... that plan fell through as they very quickly decided they wanted him to be part of their family)

Overall they’re a sarcastic cynic with a knack for storytelling, and while they seem cold and reserved on the outside, completely uncaring about the world around them, really deep down they just want to feel loved by someone, they want to feel accepted and like they’re really part of a family, like they’re actually wanted

They developed a bit of trauma from their birth family situation but a lot of it has been worked out, although they still have issues to work through even after all this time

They were ten when their dad got blackout drunk, forced them and their mom into the car, and started driving. Janus still has no idea where he was trying to go, but they never made it. They got into a monumental car accident, and Janus was lucky they made it out alive, although it costed them their leg. Their mother died unfortunately and their father was on life support last they heard. They never found out if he woke up or if he was taken off of it, so they have no idea if their dad is dead or alive. They tell themself they don’t care, they don’t wanna know either way, but they do. They feel like they shouldn’t, since their dad hurt them and got their mom killed, but they did have fond memories of their dad, which made the entire situation that much worse

So yeah on the happiest of notes there’s the main fam-ILY!!! :,)

I might continue this post with descriptions of the entire extended family, who knows!!!! :D (let me know if I missed anything in the tags btw, although I reached the limit so oof if I did)

[scripting-life]

FFVII: returning to my first love

 *peeks out of the corner of my lurking spot*

Hello? Anybody out there? It’s only been, oh you know, four-ish years since the last time I’ve posted anything here. I apologize in advance for anybody who’s still following me from my Castle days. If you couldn’t tell from my extended absence, I’ve mostly moved on. Castle and Beckett were fantastic characters that let me to play with some deep-dive analyses, and Castle will always hold a special place in my heart as my comfort show and my first real and extended experience with online fandom. I’ll always be grateful to the community I’ve had the joy of interacting with (or, the community with which I’ve had the joy of interacting, as Castle would correct me my dangling preposition).

I honestly didn’t think I would ever have reason to come back to Tumblr after Castle ended. But the FF7 Remake has returned me to my very first love--when I was young and innocent and before I knew anything about OTPs or ship wars. I’ve been back lurking for several months now and seeing all the fanart/fanfics and fun theories and analyses has reignited my enthusiasm for the FF7 franchise. It’s also fun coming back to this franchise with a more mature understanding of the themes/concepts that completely flew over my head as a young preteen.

(This ended up being super long, so the rest is below the cut to spare everyone the pain of scrolling. Apparently, my rambling tendencies have not changed at all. lol.)

When FF7R was officially announced (five freaking years ago!), I was filled with apprehension. FF7 was my first taste of a “grown-up” game. I was 11 and played my brother’s copy of the OG on PC in 1-2 hours spurts on the weekends when I visited his apartment. It took me months, if not years, to finish the game (I ended up stealing his copy to play on our computer at home...lol), and I was so blown away by it. I remember the exact moment I finished it and how I was literally shaking as I watched the ending FMV.

Later, when I found out my brother had a copy of FF8 (my poor brother was so accommodating to his annoying little sister...haha), I was so excited to play, in large part because I thought it would continue the story of FF7. Young, naive me didn’t understand the numbering conventions of Final Fantasy titles. I was madly theorizing and breaking my brain trying to find connections between the two games’ plots and had literally played through more than half the game before I finally realized the storyline of FF8 had absolutely nothing to do with FF7. I was sorely disappointed, and I think that has somewhat tainted my appreciation of future titles. Not to say I haven’t enjoyed the subsequent FF titles, but I think a little part of me is always comparing them to that first experience of wonder and awe that I had with FF7.

I discovered fanfiction in my teens and starting writing FF7/Cloti fics in college. Aside from interacting with a few fic writers at the time, I was not involved in any online communities, so I kept myself pretty free of any ship war drama and the like. When I did research for my fics, I’d sometimes see shipping sites and theories where I didn’t always understand the logic of how certain conclusions were reached, but frankly, I didn’t much care and didn’t realize that Clerith vs. Cloti was such a touchy subject. I was peripherally aware that some sort great LTD war was waging, of course, but it didn’t really touch me. I stayed in my Cloti shipping/fic-writing lane and was probably a lot happier for it. And, to be honest, based on FFN’s listings for FF7, I felt like I always saw a bunch of Sephiroth/Cloud fics and thought that was just as popular as the more conventional ships.

Graduating college and entering “real life” pretty much ended my FF7 fanfic-writing journey. In the intervening years between college and the release of FF7R, I haven’t gone back to the OG too much. I’ve played almost all the Final Fantasy games since then, and I always enjoy getting my FF7 crew fix when I play the non-canon mobile games or the Kingdom Hearts franchise. But FF7 was a happy part of my teenage years, and I was content to think on it with sweet nostalgia.

Remakes, in recent experience (*cough cough* Disney, why?), have been hit or miss, with a lot of misses. It’s hard to strike a good balance between catering to nostalgia and delivering a fresh product, never mind the change in social mores through the decades. I was so afraid FF7R would screw up my memories, especially since I wasn’t the biggest fan of Advent Children. The graphics were great and the action scenes were fun, but the story felt like a let-down. Cloud, in particular, felt so different (and yes, moody) from where we left him after the OG. I understand now that a lot of his character motivation was better explained in the On The Way to a Smile novels, but back then, I just felt like AC came out of nowhere. 

Btw, because I see this question a lot on other blogs when I’m lurking, I’ve ALWAYS thought that it was very clear in AC--even without reading anything else--that the reason for Cloud’s depression was due to guilt and not because he was pining for Aerith. The only reason I didn’t like his characterization in AC was because it felt like it came out of nowhere since AC is set 2 years after OG and by the end of the OG, he seemed to be in a pretty decent place mentally and emotionally. That being said, I can absolutely understand why some traumas resurface years after the originating incident and how times of peace might actually be worse because he is no longer solely focused on saving the world, but I was just surprised and a little bummed that this was the direction the devs chose to take AC at the time. Now that I’m older, I do better appreciate the complexities of Cloud’s mental state and the fact that they depicted a hero with lingering mental health issues is actually pretty awesome. I’m drawn to characters that have flaws--sometimes serious ones--but try their best anyway. Hence, why why Tifa Lockhart and Kate Beckett are some of my all-time favorites.

Anyhow, that didn’t stop me from pre-ordering FF7R, of course. I avoided reading any reviews as I didn’t want my first impressions to be swayed, and boy, was I happy that I went in mostly blind. That sense of awe really almost felt like playing the OG for the first time again, but somehow more. The combat system is incredibly fun and the world-building is nothing short of incredible. The variety and abundance of NPCs gives the game so much flavor and the locations have been rendered so well. As I’m going through areas like the Sector 7 train station and Wall Market and Aerith’s house, I can almost superimpose the layout from the OG in my head, but now it’s in 3D and so rich and full. It’s obvious that a lot of attention was paid to details, and I love all the head-nods and homages to the OG.

And oh, the characters!

This is the Cloud I’ve been wanting to see in glorious HD and the Cloud I remember from the original game: all awkward, dorky trying to be cool, socially inept, mentally unstable, abrasive-at-times, reluctant to act depending on who’s asking, wannabe hard-ass who’s actually a big softie inside Cloud. I remember reading an article a few years back about how the devs basically redid Cloud for the Remake because they wanted him to go back to his dorky roots--which ends up making him closest to his personality in the OG than his appearances in other franchises--and I was SOOOO incredibly happy to hear that. I was so sick of the way Cloud was constantly depicted as this cool, broody McBrood in his cameos when he was a pretty big dork in the OG. (Anybody remember him doing squats in the Highwind when Tifa says it’ll be lonely with just the two of them and Cloud responds that he’ll make enough noise to make up for it? Like I said: cute, but a dork.)

I WAS surprised by how comfortable and sweet and touchy (so very very touchy) the devs made him with Tifa from the beginning. That initial scene of Cloud being such a smooth operator giving Tifa the flower had my jaw-dropping and every single flirty interaction after that (and there are many) had my Cloti heart overflowing in shock and bliss. Throughout most of my years as a Cloti shipper, even though I believed Cloti was supported by canon and pretty clearly together, I was also under the impression--mistakenly or not--that Cloti was the minority ship. So for Square Enix to make it so blatantly obvious that Cloud is really into Tifa at such an early stage has been an unexpected gift.

Also, they’re just really hot together. (Clotiscrew tunnel--be still my heart!)

As for Tifa...oh, what wonderful character development we’ve already gotten for Tifa. Tifa has always been one of my all-time favorite characters ever since reading her character blurb in the OG game manual. Initially, as a child, it was because I saw so much of myself in her. She was outwardly bright and optimistic, but tended to hide all of her stronger feelings inside. She fought with her fists, and for someone who was a tomboy growing up who liked playing contact sports with the boys, I connected with her in a way that I had never been able to connect with other female protagonists who were primarily back-row specialists. (I also aspired to grow to her listed height of 5′4″, which alas, did not happen...lol).

I love how the Remake delves into more of Tifa’s moral conflict between the destruction that she causes as part of Avalanche and needing to do something to stop Shinra, and yes, even seeking revenge. They touched on this in the OG lightly, but the Remake really hammers it home. She’s perhaps the most conflicted character in terms of motivation in Part 1. That scene with the Shinra manager on the train is actually one of my favorite scenes of her because it highlights that tension. The elevator scene, if you opted for it instead of the stairs (or if you did one, saved, and reloaded to do the other one, like me), is also underrated in terms of how much it reveals about Tifa’s inner struggle.

On this point, I also appreciate that the Remake has the characters reflecting on the damage they’ve both indirectly and directly inflicted--the Avalanche team all do this to a certain degree. In particular, Jessie’s constant inability to figure out what she’d done wrong with the bomb to cause such a massive explosion and her remaining feelings of guilt during her death scene (”they were my victims” ouch!) were heart-breaking.

Aerith’s depiction was another pleasant surprise. I’ll be honest; I didn’t much like her in the OG. She was too pushy and willfully oblivious to the point of being mean at times. In the Remake, much of her sometimes too in-your-face playfulness was kept--perhaps still a little too much--but I appreciate the nuance that they gave her. The train graveyard scene tells the player that she didn’t have friends growing up, and I think that partially contributes to her lack of social tact at times. The other factor that gives her personality more nuance is the hint of special knowledge that affects how she interacts with the rest of the group. It gives her additional hidden motivation and adds to her mystery for new players while simultaneously pulling at the heartstrings for old players who get the impression that Aerith is somehow aware--to a certain, unknown extent--of her own fate. 

I also appreciate that Aerith is more grounded as a real person than as some sort of revered being. I do blame AC for some of that. When you have the power to cure a fatal disease from the afterlife and send the dead back to life, it gets into some godlike territory. Maybe it’s a fair depiction of her powers as a Cetra, but I just get the feeling that Aerith herself wouldn’t really appreciate being made into this goddess-like figure. Remember that her character blurb in the original game manual implied that she was more interested in earthly things (i.e. the love triangle) than in exploring her own powers. I personally think that Aerith used the “love triangle” in the OG as a form of escapism from the weight of her burdens rather than genuine interest, and I just think she’d want to be thought of as a person rather than as a god. One of my favorite scenes for Aerith is when she and Cloud are traversing the rooftops and she slips on the ladder, letting out a simple, “Shit.” It humanizes her in a way that combats some of the ways she’s sort of been deified in the last 23 years. Also, Aerith wielding a folding chair like it’s WWE never fails to make me laugh. Overall, she just comes off as a more reasonably flawed and--as a result, to me--a more likeable character in the Remake, and I do very much like her now.

Barret is pretty much the exact larger than life character I imagined in my head, only somehow even better, and I really love how expressive and emotional his eyes and facial expressions are. His scenes with Marlene are truly the cutest thing ever. Red XIII is a big, furry ball of sass, and I need so much more of him in the coming parts (Cosmo Canyon still wrecks me to this day). The interactions between the Wedge, Biggs, and Jessie are incredible, and they really feel like people who’ve been friends and basically each other’s family for years. The Turks and Rufus are pretty much as cool as I imagined them in the OG.

There’s still so much more I haven’t even started touching on about the Remake, and I think that’s why I’m finally posting this now. I just can’t contain my love for this game any more, and I really really need a place to express myself. I don’t know if anybody is still reading, but I appreciate having the opportunity to finally gush about this game and franchise that I’ve loved so much for pretty much two-thirds of my life.

[stormbornbastard]

Sansa + Podrick 

( Summer Romance Modern AU)

Sansa Stark had spent her entire life chasing an image of a man that only existed within the pages of her novels. Men who were kind, gentle and brave. Men who loved with tenderness and soft security. Who loved unconditionally. 

Men who she’d discovered didn’t seem to exist.

On her quest for the love she craved, she had met only cleverly disguised cruelty. Her handsome prince turned out to be a sadist, her blue-eyed bastard who she saw the best in, had only left her with scars. She had been battered and bruised chasing that image. 

Sansa Stark had grown to believe that a love she craved was too much to ask for. 

Now, as she returns to Winterfell Manor from Red Keep University the summer after her Junior year, she’s pretty much given up on love completely. Learned to believe that a kind good love just wasn’t in the cards for her and would remain within the confines of her beloved fiction.

She was surprised to find that her fellow siblings have found what she had been dreaming of since she was a little girl. The right kind of love. 

Her eldest brother, Robb, had fallen into the arms of one Margarey Tyrell who seemed to make him better and happier. Jon had Daenerys, a woman Sansa figured she hate but had soon come to form a strong bond with through their shared trauma. She understood her pain and never judged her for it. Both their exes had left their fair share of marks and Dany had this way of reassuring her that the abuse didn’t have to define her. That she could find genuine love, like she did with Jon. Sansa wanted to believe her. A small part of her did. 

Even Arya and Bran had found people. Gendry was nice and he and Arya argued like an old married couple. Sansa called them cute once and Arya shot her a look of disgust before her boyfriend wrapped his arms around her waist. She could still think they were cute, even if her sister would detest her saying it aloud.

Bran had found comfort in his best friend’s brother, Jojen Reed. She hadn’t even known he was into guys until they showed up, hand in hand. Then again, he was never really the type to share much about himself. That and the fact that they were never that close as kids. 

She liked Jojen though, Bran seem more alive in his presence. He actually got him to respond to the world around him and she hadn’t seen her brother seem so happy since before the accident. 

It seemed like it was just her and Rickon now.

Until it wasn’t. 

She didn’t even know thirteen year olds could have relationships. The Stannis and his family came over for dinner one night and he caught Rickon and Shireen holding hands under the table when she moved to get the fork she dropped. 

Sansa was the last Stark who wasn’t in love. She tried not to dwell on it but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t hate it. 

And then, came him. 

Her mom, Catelyn had made partner at her law firm and with the extra money she decided to hire some help around the house. Brienne’s nephew came to work for them as a groundskeeper. She had met Podrick Payne once before and she was not impressed. Not even in the slightest. 

She remembered him being aloof and always with this goofy grin on his face. He seemed to stumble throughout life, like a newborn deer. He had a crush on her when they were kids, an awkward crush and Sansa had made it a point to avoid him ever since. 

She doubted anything had changed so without actually interacting with him, she decided to avoidance was the best route. The last thing she needed was to deal with some helpless, love-struck man baby who wouldn’t leave her alone.  

Sansa had successfully remained ignorant to his presence for the first few days and it was a pretty proud accomplishment might she add. And then she actually saw him, sweaty and shirtless outside of her bedroom window as he mowed through the lawn. 

And something inside her, stirred. Awoken like a bear in hibernation.

Podrick Payne...was hot. 

Gods, she felt like a fucking cliche watching him from her bedroom window. 

He had lost his baby weight, grew out his hair and had a beard. 

She had never pictured Podrick Payne with a beard. She never even thought he could grow one. Nor did she think he’d ever.  

She hadn’t thought he’d fill out the way he had either. He had strong arms, really strong arms. He didn’t have abs but his stomach was flat and his chest, covered a little bit in hair. 

She bit her lip as she watched him, she actually bit her lip like some silly school girl seeing an attractive man for the first time. 

Podrick must’ve sensed her gaze and looked up in her direction. Sansa’s eyes widened when he waved at her. Fuck, she probably looked like some random creep. 

She didn’t wave back, just closed the curtain swiftly and ignored the churning in her stomach as she sat back down on her bed. 

Was she-Was she just thirsting over Podrick Payne? 

Podrick. Fucking. Payne! 

After that, Sansa avoided him for an entirely different reason. 

Yet she couldn’t avoid the Summer Harvest. A religious holiday that people just used as an excuse to eat good with their families and friends. Her mother, ever the socialist, invited Brienne and her family along with a few others. 

Podrick sat directly across from her and Sansa hated to admit that he made her nervous. She wasn’t an anxious person yet here she was and this was Pod for crying out loud. He cried when he stepped over a snail in Kindergarten. Why was she nervous over Podrick? 

After Dinner, Sansa just wanted to disappear but if she left, it’d spark some kind of suspicion amongst her family members and friends. The last thing she wanted to do was explain her crush and she was a shitty liar. 

By the luck of some very unforgiving gods, the very subject of her anxiety approached her. She felt her stomach flip when he smiled the same cheeky little grin that made her want to throw sand on him when they were kids. 

“Hi.” He dug his hands into his pockets and Sansa felt her cheeks turn red. He was so cute and he didn’t even know it. 

“Hi.” She couldn’t remember the last time her voice had been so soft. Or high.

“You uh, you look nice.”

“Thank you, you uh, you look tall.” 

Tall? What? What did she just say? 

“I meant, you look taller. Taller than the last time we met.” she fumbled out as Podrick stared at her, a small smile playing at his lips.

“Yeah well, puberty I guess.” 

And Sansa laughed, a little too loudly but it made Pod smile and it was nice. Talking to him after that was nice to. Easier than she thought. Podrick listened and only spoke when he felt it necessary but Sansa didn’t mind. She actually preferred it. 

It was comforting. 

After the harvest, she found herself around Podrick more than she ever thought she would be. Sansa talked to him while he worked the weeds, ignoring the way his shirt clung to him and the way his muscles flexed as he did so. She helped him when he worked in the greenhouse, admiring the difference of how firm he was with the weeds and how gentle he was with the roses. 

Then it happened. The moment. 

The moment where the both reached for the watering can at the same time. Their hands touched and shivers ran up her arm and down her spine. 

Podrick turned to her and the look in his eyes, the shift in the atmosphere scared the living shit out of her. He was going to kiss her, she knew it. 

“I have a midterm to write!” She screamed suddenly, taking Podrick by surprise as he pulled away from her. 

She didn’t wait for him to answer before running away like a frightened school girl. It was summer vacation, mid terms were half a year away. That was by far, the worst excuse she could have ever come up with. 

She avoided him for a week after that. Mentally tormenting herself for her freak reaction. 

What was wrong with her? 

Podrick was cute. 

He was kind and he made her feel safe. 

And he made her laugh, without even really trying. Nobody has ever made her laugh the way he has. 

He was everything she had ever truly wanted and she freaked out when he tried to kiss her. 

She was so stupid. Gods, how could she face him again after this? 

She wouldn’t. She couldn’t. 

Summer would be over soon. Six measly weeks and then she would never have to face him or her actions again.  She could do it.  

After the first day, she actually believed it. She doesn’t know if it was her or if it was Podrick but she didn’t care, only thanked the gods. 

And then, the second day came. 

There was a dinner that was way too romantic for her taste. She felt like the third wheel amongst her family and by the time appetizers’ came out, she had found some flimsy excuse to go home.

He was there, in the greenhouse. She knew he worked tonight and that he probably would be nurturing the winter roses Daenerys brought from Dragonstone which needed to be tended to at night. Her plan of avoiding him slipped her mind as she  but she’d be lying if she made her way over to the crystal building. 

She wanted to see him and that also scared the living shit out of her. 

He must’ve heard her heels clicking on the sidewalk because he turned to her, stepping from the greenhouse and into the moonlight.

Shit, why was was he so cute? 

“I know I freaked out yesterday bu-” 

He didn’t let her finish before closing distance between the two of them with four short strides. The feeling of his hands on her waist halted her words in her throat as he pulled her gently into him. Her stomach dropped and her legs wobbled but he held her steady. 

“I just, can I kiss you? Just once.” 

She nodded, not able to form coherent thoughts as his lips pressed against her own. They were soft and Sansa melted into him. The once feverish kiss turned passionate as her arms wrapped around his neck and he pulled her into him even more. Her mind was hazy as her fingers moved to entangle themselves in his hair. 

Thunder crackled above them but neither cared enough to pull away. 

Only when soft droplets of rain fell on their skin did she and Podrick finally move away from each other. Foreheads resting on the other’s as they breathed in sync. 

She couldn’t believe it, she had kissed Podrick Payne in the rain like some kind of Disney movie. And she still wanted to kiss Podrick in the rain so she did. Closing the gap once again, a smile playing on her lips as she lost herself in the moment and him, especially him.

The cold they both got a week later was so fucking worth it. 

Suprisingly, she and Podrick worked. It wasn’t just some fleeting kiss, it became so much more. They explored Winterfell Manor together. Stealing kisses in the nooks and crannies of the old noble home. They went on a few day trips together, sometimes just to drive and find the most secluded clearing to have picnics in. He took her hiking and she took him to art museums. 

They worked and falling in love with him was a natural occurrence that summer. 

By the end of it, Sansa came to the conclusion that maybe she had it wrong before. That maybe kind, brave and gentle men didn’t just belong in her novels. Maybe they were just clumsy frogs who needed time to blossom into the handsome prince, or in her case, the cute groundskeeper who made her feel safe and happy. Really happy. 

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

So I have a rant and a half build up of rambling about my very first Percy Jackson Oc Elysia and I need to let it spill so all of you get to hear this info dump about her and my feels

Im putting a trigger warning here I made her when I first read the whole series a few years back. Her backstory isnt the happiest. So im going to put trigger warnings for mentions of (but not going into detail of) abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts, so if you cant handle mentions of that please dont read this I dont want to upset you

Anyways I have years of work into this bab of mine and I need to get it all out

Also An important thing to note is the timeline of her(and my other ocs) stories. Basically it kinda takes place...as if Trials of Apollo didnt happen?? Sorta? I made her before it ever came out and set her story after Blood of Olympus before trials of apollo was announced so its basically diverges after Blood of Olympus...if that makes sense...I hope it does. 

So basically....At the start of her story Elysia is 13 Nico is 16(from what I remember its been about two years since I read the books so please forgive me)

Ok this might jump around alot because im kinda word vomiting and info dumping about her so if something doesnt make sense please feel free to ask me to clarify I love to

OK SO MY BAB

So her full name is Elysia Angela Melina and shes a Daughter of Hades. At the start when she gets to camp shes 13.

Im going to attatch two pictures ive drawn of her to the post here

This is her with a referrence sheet of her at 13-14 and the digital picture is one of her at the present time that I tend to write about her at age 16.

So Elysia doesnt have things easy. She comes from an abusive household that really fucked her up mentally and emotionally before she got to camp. She ran away at 13 after getting kicked out of her sixth or seventh school and thigs got ugly at home. Stuff happened and she was brought to camp(im refining and probably going to redo how that happens) and well...she doesnt exactly fit in.

Shes on the shorter side for her age and shes lanky and skinny(partially from both skipping meals and sometimes only eating when she can sneak food at home) and she comes onto the scene wearing oversized hand me downs in all dark colors and long sleeves thats got a clear fearful and insecure posture and stance and is always trying to blending into the background and hide from being noticed. Shes got a thick mane of not very well cared for black hair and eyes so dark in color they look completely black, sometimes even in the light with pretty dark bags under them highlighted by really really too pale skin. So it makes her an easy target to be bullied ya know? But she silently takes it like she always does while clutching this beat up little backpack she ran away with as shes put in the Hermes cabin until she’s claimed(which has a 1-3 day delay depending on the god, because a lot of kids come to camp especially at the start of summer) 

When she gets claimed she freaks out and panics because everyone is staring at her and shes suddenly the center of attention because it happened in the middle of the campfire.

So begins the bonding with her big brother.

Shes got alot of inner turmoils and traumas and problems and inner demons and as a result she has undiagnosed anxiety disorders, depression, and some PTSD along with a very low amount of self-esteem and confidence in herself from the ordeals of before reaching camp. Though once shes at camp and she eventually settles in she starts recovering bit by bit. She slowly gets close with nico(it starts kinda awkward for both of them and she comes off really quiet and shy and terrified of sudden movement so its a little hard but they overcome it)

 By the end of her first year at camp shes gotten close to Nico but has a really hard time making friends with other campers her own age so she ends up sticking close to Nico and following him like his shadow because theres a period of time that heś the only person Elysia feels even remotely safe and comfortable around. And as a result at first she spends alot more time with Nico’s friends and various members of the Big Seven and she gets close to them as well(more to her siblings at first but she gets there shes a nervous bean give her time)

Though in the middle of that first year she meets a girl that soon becomes one of her best and closest friends, a daughter of Hephaestus named Karter Becks(the second oc for this fandom I made) and I’ll get to more about their friendship later.

So by the second year at camp shes settled in a little, shes decidedly become a year-rounder because she would rather be eaten by a harpy than go back to “that horrible place”as she dubs it(not to mention its very very dangerous for her outside of camp)

More things about Elysia!!!

At thirteen she had absolutely NO control of reign of her abilities. She couldnt raise or summon the dead, her shadow travel was horribly spotty and half the time she couldnt even do so correctly and her most experience with spirits is that she can sense them and she can hear and speak to them but she cant really see them( they appear as really really blurry shapes that hurt her eyes to look at for too long) of course she beats herself up over this lack of skill, mostly because she(stupidly but understandably) compares her lack of teaching and training and beginner skill level to Nico’s at the time current skill level. Yeah its dumb and yeah in the back of her mind where her common sense is she realizes this but she cant stop herself from doing so, just like she unfairly to herself compares her sword fighting skill to older campers that have been there longer. 

She eventually gets her own sword of Stygian Iron, because no matter what else she tries no other swords feel...right to her. They’re always too heavy or too light too awkward to hold dont work right with her swings or just dont feel right to her so at some point shes overthinking herself to death about it and beating herself up for being too picky when Karter suggests innocently that she tries swinging around her brother’s sword. “After all Elys, whats the worst that would happen, that it feels too heavy?” 

But what ends up happening is that though its too heavy for her, it still feels...right. The best way to describe it is that she feels more connected to her powers and to herself in a way. After hearing that she gets her own of Stygian iron and its...perfect to her. Its not too heavy on her wrist or too light to wield. And afterwards she actually starts getting some more confidence which helps her improve a little faster than before.

Once Elysia is fully apart of camp life it takes a long time for it to fully click that her belongings...are hers and her likes and interests and likes are respected. They wont get taken away or threatened, she doesnt have to hide what she likes or pretend she doesnt like one thing or another. She’s free to be her own person for the first time in her life and she struggles for awhile to adjust to that and accept it. Those struggles result in alot of scattered breakdowns and even one or two...relaspes that for once in her life she has a support system of her half brother and half sister, his friends, her two close friends, and chiron to catch her and help her back to her feet. She has people to lean on and depend on and not have to be afraid of and this helps alot into her recovery and acceptance of herself and her mental illnesses. It takes her two of the three years shes been at camp for her to get at the better place shes at when shes 16, where she now has a small group of good friends, shes managed to bring up some of her self-esteem and self  confidence, shes been clean for a year and shes in therapy for her PTSD and depression and shes opened up more to those around her and shes not the terrified jumps at her own shadow kid but a more quiet but kindhearted and sometimes even giggly teen whose slowly getting her life back together with plans for the future.

But on the topic of things she likes...

This girl loves-no ADORES animals, all kinds mythical or not. She didnt show it at first but she was so SOOOO excited when she realized the camp had Pegasi even though she tried to keep a distance from them because she realized she made them nervous. Oh man you shouldve SEEN her when Chiron took a group of campers her age into the woods and they caught a glimpse of a passing through unicorn. She was giddy about it for DAYS guys. She just...she has so much love and admiration and excitement for animals its so cute you guys.

Elysia also loves(ironically) learning about Mythology, from all over the world. Its her special interest and when she finds and buys a old broken touch screen phone(or one of those touch screen i-pod or something) and gets Karter  to fiddle with it and (eventually after shenanigan filled misadventures of trying to upgrade it to not be detected by monsters and fix the cracked screen) she fills that thing to the brim of downloaded auidobooks of different mythologies as she can and she listens to them when doing schoolwork(she ends up having do be “homeschool” by online classes because things just do not go right when trying to attend schools outside of the protected borders)

She also loves anything soft. Especially stuffed animals. Oh my god she loves stuffed animals, well into her teens. She had one she managed to bring with her to camp that is her ultimate comfort object, a older beat up and been through a life time of ringers and back stuffed husky doll that she cherishes and takes care of like one might take care of gold. Over time (once they found out her birthday--October 5th) she starts getting stuffed animals as presents or just even as little splurges on herself . She also loves soft blankets soft clothes soft anything. She loves the texture and feel of it and it makes her happy.

She’s an aspiring writer and songwriter and can even sing a little but she has no confidence in her ability in any of those. But she has boxes and piles of notebooks and journals filled with little cartoony doodles and pages upon pages of stories and songs shes been writing for years now

Fun fact during her first year at camp Percy and Annabeth dropped by for a visit during their winter break to visit friends and I have this whole little story I might post about hoe when Percy’s walking to go meet someone he finds Elysia sitting alone at the beach doodling animals in her journal and he goes up to her(shes sitting all curled up so at a distance it probably looked like she was crying or something) to see if shes ok and because Nico had been telling him about her via iris messages and updates since she got there but he didnt get to meet her during the summer(stuff happened and she kinda hid from alot of people) but he finds her and he sits with her(after announcing his presence because Nico has told him about her being very jumpy and easily scared and that at that point hes the only one she really opens up to so dont take offense to it) and they sit for a bit and Percy asks her about her doodles and she just, for the first time like ever, she starts to open up because she gets so freaking excited and hyper about it that she just starts babbling away about her doodles and the animals of them and then about animals in general and she goes on this whole, like 30-40 minute info dump/ rant about them complete with diverting tangent questions that she answers herself before continuing with this just lit up and openly happy and ecstatic expression as she goes on and on while hes sitting there just listening to her and smiling down at her partly nostalgically because at that moment she reminds him so much of how Nico was when he first met him and you got him started on Mythomagic and that shes being so open about her excitement and then she looks at him and realizing what she was doing and she shuts herself up now panicking about how much she just word vomited on her big brother’s friend and more importantly this huge shot demigod Son of Poseidon whose saved the world not once but TWICE and who is probably very busy too busy to be hanging around with her--you get the idea of her panicking until Percy slowly reaches out his hand and she nods to let him know its ok and he ruffles her hair and tells her its ok he liked listening to her and holy shit I went on a tangent about that. 

She also has alot of sweet bonding moments with Nico and Hazel because they teach her about having a loving and caring family and what thats like and its really sweet and cute and emotional

Did I mention she likes taking Nico’s shirts? Oh yeah she likes “borrowing” Nico’s shirts, and some of his jackets, mostly t-shirt and long sleeved shirts because once they get close his scent and presence really relaxes her nerves if she gets anxious. Of course its not stealing, its just borrowing and eventually giving back on laundry days...or he just lends it to her without being fully aware of it. Its cute because shes so short that they end up really big on her and she loves flapping the sleeves and the feeling of being engulfed in the safety of his presence without him even being there

ANYWAY COUGH COUGH 

uhhhhhhh....yeah thats alot about her huh I think i’ll leave you all with that to take it and make sense of and I might make a part two(or you guys can ask about her too) 

and yeeeeeeeeeee thats my PJO oc Elysia Melina!!

@phantommoonpeople 

@kid-crashed

@demidorks (im sorry if im bothering you by tagging you youre one of the pjo blogs I follow and one of my favorites)

[digikate813]

Fanfiction Writer Appreciation Recs

I’ve seen a bunch of people doing these, and i really wanted to too. I may be late to the party here, but I hope I can point you towards some cool stuff to check out. Most of what I read in the fanfiction circle is Gravity Falls, so this post is mostly just multi chapter fics from the Gravity Falls fandom! I might do one for one-shots, and I’m sorry if I forget any major ones, but this is what immediately comes to mind that I highly recommend.

Stanswap by @orangeoctopi7

Reverse Portal AU at it’s best! The Reverse Portal AU was popular for a while (almost on par with Blind Faith) and a lot of people tried to grab onto the idea, but after all this time, it just seems to have left a lot of incomplete works in it’s wake. That is not the case here. It’s still going, but it shows no sign of stopping until it tells it’s entire story. And this story has been insanely detailed and well executed. Retelling almost the entire series as if Ford was the one taking care of the kids, and the dilemmas he faces with the fact that Stan is stuck on the other side of the portal. Not to mention most of the jokes are on point with something you’d hear in Gravity Falls. The author is someone I am proud to call my friend, and that all started when this fic was recommended to me.

30 Seconds Later by @invisibletinkerer

A pretty recent one that i really hope gets more attention. I’ve seen people do fanart and stuff of Ford being the same age as when he got sucked into the portal, while his home dimension and Stan aged, but I didn’t really see much potential for a full story in that idea. That changes with this fic, which again is still ongoing, but updates fairly regularly. The interactions between the Grunkle Stan we know and love and a Ford who is still fresh from his sleep deprived paranoia days, and still susceptible to Bill’s possession brings so much engaging conflict that i cannot get enough of!

My Demons by @kazriku

An oldie but a goodie. This one is basically a Mystery Trio story that focuses mostly on Stan and Ford, and the first chapter was written before A Tale of Two Stans came out. Adjustments were made after that episode came out, but this fic is very much telling it’s own story on how the Stans became so distant, and the incident that lead to Ford being trapped on the other side of the portal. Filled with mysterious suspense and some entertaining brotherly bonding, even if it hasn’t updated in a while, if we’re talking about fanfics I appreciate, there was no way i couldn’t include this one. It was the first major GF Fanfic I read from the person who would become my first mutual, and chances are this fic lead to me reading all the ones you see here!

By the skin of your teeth by @apathetic-revenant

I didn’t realize just how popular this one was until today, but it deserves it. It’s so good! When Stan gets into his argument with Ford after Ford calls him for the first time in 10 years, he realizes that something's wrong with Ford. He’s very sick and his house is a wreck. There is so much tension and angst in this one as Stan puts the pieces together about what’s been going on with his brother, and Ford continuing to fight what seems like a losing battle. There’s a happy ending, but it takes quite a bit to get there, and it is glorious!

And Then There Were Three by @kalajorn

I’m just going to say it. This is one of my favorite Mystery Trio stories. Ever! With an author who I think really is under the radar in the community. Mystery Trio is probably my favorite AU for Gravity Falls, but depending on who you ask, it either got stronger or weaker once A Tale of Two Stans came out. For me, it only got stronger, and this fic is an excellent example of why. I adore the scenario presented here of how Stan and Ford eventually reunite. How there is some spark of their connection as brothers still there, but there are still forces interfering with that, and using the material from canon to build some great tension. Updates take some time, but i promise you it’s worth it. This story only gets more engaging with each chapter and i’m hoping it’ll stay that way.

A Little Bit Lost by @impishnature

Impish is really a beacon of life for the GF fandom. Regularly producing high quality content of all kinds. I could have put any number of her stories on here. If you miss Gravity Falls, and you want to reminisce about it over a weekend, scroll through her AO3. You’ll find a lot to enjoy. But one of my personal favorites is this compilation of fics surrounding the Feral Ford AU. An AU that vanished as quickly as it arrived. I was even going to write something small on it, but i just never got to it. Anyway, these stories of a paranoid, almost animalistic Ford from what trauma he faced on the other side of the portal is just so powerful. Every idea has a new obstacle. Sometimes it’s comforting. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking. But there’s always something to grab your attention and not let go. I come back to these a lot, and they are always a great read.

I’d also recommend her Mystery Trio fic Phobos, but that one hasn’t updated for a while. But I still really like it so here ya go!

Maybe it’s Not Too Late by @rum-and-shattered-dreams

Why was this one so hard to find? It’s awesome! One of the reasons I’ve dived so deeply into Gravity Falls fanfiction more then any other fandom I’ve been in, is because even after the official shows credits rolled, it still left us with so much potential for what other adventures were out there. And this is one of the best examples of that. It’s a great, insanely engaging post series adventure involving pretty much the entire main cast and the return of the Shapeshifter, with Fiddleford and Ford as the main focus. Yes, it is partly a Ship Fic, which I’m not crazy about, but I don’t really find it distracting. There is so much in this story, and the shipping is just another element of it. And FiddAuthor is one of the ships I tolerate more, so I don’t really mind that much. The rest is just too dang good!!

Better Kept Secret by BadonKaDank

Another one that nearly alluded my radar until a friend mentioned it to me back when it had just completed, and I’m glad they did because this story is AMAZING! Having someone from one of the boys’ past come back for revenge is another premise that was circulating for a while that I freaking adored!! There were a few good pieces of writing out there on this (and even a comic currently going on), but this fic is at the top of the chart for me. Filled with drama, action, intense and suspenseful moments, it’s one that really stuck with me that i can’t believe I almost missed. 

Goodnight Stanley by Kitsunesocks

I haven’t seen many people mention this one, and while it may not be the most angst filled story involving the Stan Bros, it’s still a great one. Without giving too much away, while Stan and Ford are getting ready to head back to Gravity Falls, they discover that Bill might not be entirely gone, and that he may be plotting a way to come back right under their noses. Despite how common it is, this is a premise I’ve never been crazy about. I think @thesnadger Axolotl is the only story like this to engage me past the first chapter. Except this one. This is a great adventure of a story. The pacing is excellent and the characters are on point. Some of the most accurate I think I’ve seen in a Gravity Falls fic. I especially appreciate how proactive Dipper and Mabel are in this story. A lot of fics like this tend to push them to the side to make room for the Stans. But this story makes good use of everyone involved. It’s not the most emotionally driven story out there, but it’s one of the most well put together stories I’ve seen in a GF fic.

Blind Faith by @pinesinthewoods

Oh my God! This one! I originally wasn’t going to include this one because I know the author is no longer active in the fandom, but again, appreciation post. And this story deserves to be appreciated no matter what. You all know this AU, where Stan and Ford both wind up on the other side of the portal, and have to face the horrors on the other side together. Blind Faith was already fairly popular at this point, but this story propelled it to something else. Something stronger. Something with depth. Leaving you with chills as you finish every chapter. Aside from My Demons, this is probably the first fanfic I was checking for updates on, daily. This brought many new ideas to the AU that you still see in the occasional new content today, and that is something truly special. This is from yet another author who I am proud to call a friend, and it’s weird to think that back then, I was just a fan of something a lot of other people were. I’m sure most of you have read this one, but if you haven’t, go read it! It’s one of the best out there.

Stanley McGucket by @thelastspeecher

This is the sort of fic I don’t normally care for. Tons of original characters and a lot of shipping. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just not for me. But the premise was just too intriguing to resist. The idea of Stan being offered a job from Fiddleford’s parents and basically becoming an honorary member of the McGucket family is a really endearing premise. And when certain characters reunite or put the pieces together about who they are to each other, it really gets the ball rolling. You’re just waiting to see how everything will turn out, and it’s a pretty great ride. I followed this story and it’s expansions for a while. Then it branched into multiple AUs on it’s own and it just got way too confusing to keep up with the tag. But the main story is still a enjoyable ride from a type of fic that usually doesn’t grab me. But it had an interesting idea that pulled me in, and followed through on it. Welcome to the McGucket Family Tree Stanley

Amnesia by @ducksalive

Okay, yeah. This one isn’t technically a Gravity Falls fic. But I’m really into Ducktales right now and i was running out of Gravity Falls stories. So yeah, I’ve started diving into Ducktales fan fiction. Even wrote one of my own which you should definitely check out. Please? There’s not much out there that’s grabbed me as much as these other stories yet (if anybody knows any good Fenton Crackshell-Cabrera/Gizmoduck stuff out there, let me know), but something about this one had my attention. 

I’m one of those people who is immediately intrigued by amnesia stories but the reason most people aren’t is because of how often they can go wrong. So far, that’s not the case here. In this story, Donald is the one with amnesia, and Glomgold finds him and convinces him that he’s his uncle, and that Scrooge is the enemy. From there it’s a race to try and help rescue Donald from a trap he doesn’t even know he’s in. While Donald constantly suffers for it. If you’re the type of person who likes family angst (which chances are you do if you’re a fan of any of the above fics) then you’ll get a kick out of this. Every time you think the family is going to get Donald back, Glomgold manages to snatch him away. And realizing just how far he’s willing to go to keep Scrooge’s nephew on his side is just shocking. This is another story that’s still ongoing, so there’s no telling how this will conclude yet, but at the moment, I am very emotionally invested in this one.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve gotten way more into fanfiction then I ever would have imagined. I never looked twice at it before, but now I’ve been a spectator to many creative stories, the authors of some of my favorites have become some of my closest friends, and I’ve even written a couple myself. I may be late to the actual day, but I hope this shows my appreciation for all the fanfic writers above and a few dozen I’m probably forgetting at the moment. 

[grace-evelyn]

Diary entry 3

Friday 26th April 12:30am

This experience is something that has literally turned my life upside down. I was at the peak of my life, I was happy, working regularly, living very comfortably, I had a boyfriend that I loved very much, lived in an amazing apartment, doing well in uni, fit and healthy. Once this happened everything changed. I didn’t even realise that it had affected me until a year later, I begun drinking very often to distract myself and I’d drink stupid amounts too. I deferred uni, stopped working, my relationship fell apart, I cried myself to sleep, I began binge eating, cutting and I tried to commit suicide multiple times. My perfect world collapsed around me and I didn’t know it was because of this fucking experience until it was too late.

So if you are reading this and you are a victim of any kind of trauma, PLEASE GET HELP. See someone!! Talk about it. I didn’t and it ruined my life.

I had a friend that I worked with at the mens gallery, lets just call her stacey cause thats a bitch name and we fucking hate this bitch. She had met a group of guys at work and they got her a hotel room to stay at for the night after work because the dumb cunt used to drink drive to and from work. 

The next night these guys wanted to party with some girls so she messaged me and asked if I wanted to come. She said we were getting paid to go to dinner and we’d be together the whole night and then she would drive me home and she would stay at mine. My boyfriend at the time was unsure about it and so was I, we were discussing this alllll day, I shit you not it took me hours to decide whether I should cancel work and go to this dinner. Anyway, we finally decided that I would go but my boyfriend was going to drop me off and I had to share my location with him every hour. 

So I went and met my friend at crown and we promised that we would take care of each other and not do anything stupid. When I’m in bad situations I tend to freeze which is really bad but I just let things happen to me because I’m scared and my brain just stops working and I literally cant move. My boyfriend (lets call him matt), matt told stacey this and warned her to take car of me and she agreed.

Anyyywaayyy we met the guys at crown and a few other girls too, there were like 12 of us and they were all really lovely, they were fully kitted out in brands and were massive lebo looking guys. We waltzed into Nobu and had the best fucking time and then half way through I realise they’re important members of a bikie gang. I messaged Bryce and he freaked out but assured him that they were super respectful and really nice.

After dinner we were all plastered and went to centrefold and just run a muck, like we were ordering trays of shots and throwing money everywhere. Cause I’m such a fucking hustler I ended up accumulating quite a bit of money too lol. I was smashed, I fell over many times lmao. So stacey and I just left and went to the kebab store next door and had a feast, we were eating like animals it was hilarious. Then she said that we needed to go back to crown to get her keys from one of the guys rooms so she could drive us home.

At this stage my memory is super blurry because I was spastic. All I remember is getting in a taxi with her and two guys reluctantly and then being in a lift to the room. I was scared. When we got out of the lift I turned to her and I said ‘i don’t want to do anything’ and she looks at me and says ‘babe, you have to, its your job.’ 

I will never forget that, thinking about that makes me cry

She then turns and walks off with one of the guys into his room. So I’m left with one of them and I go into his room with him. My mind was racing and I was so scared. Je starts trying to take my clothes off and I say to him ‘why don’t we go in the other room with stacey?’ And he’s like ‘yeah!’ So we run down the hall and go into the other room and I stare at stacey waiting to leave but she just ignored me. She wouldn’t even look at me.

I remember really clearly there was a leather bikie jacker hanging over a chair and they let me wear it for a bit, but that jacket was just staring at me the whole time and I was terrified. 

My mate literally starts having sex with this guy on the couch in front of me and I was just fucking sitting there awkwardly on the bed while this other guy was obviously waiting to fuck me. I was literally sweating. My phone was dead, I didn’t know where I was, I thought that if I did anything wrong they would shoot me. 

Then all of a sudden the guy grabs my neck from the back and drags me to him and holds me by the throat and well yeah… I let him do it. I remember looking at his face when he grabbed me and my eyes were wide open in fear. He came inside me after like 2 seconds and I ran to the bathroom where stacey was and I felt disgusting. I didn’t say no, I was scared. 

When we were leaving the guy shoved a few more notes down my dress, I just remember the way he did it was so aggressive and made me feel so cheap. 

Stacey drove us back to my apartment where I was greeted by my boyfriend, I slept in bed with him and I cried. Stacey slept on my couch that night too.

I cried myself to sleep for a week before I decided to tell my boyfriend. We both cried together, he blamed himself. ‘i shouldn’t have let you go, this is my fault, this happened to you because of me’. I think this experience destroyed us both. We both suffered so much because of it. Thats the part that kills me the most, this boy that I loved so so much was crushed because of this. 

Stacey never realised that what she did was wrong, we argued and she said to me ‘babe, you’re responsible for your own actions’. She literally fucking said that to me. And I stopped talking to her, I ignored her constant, persistent messages because I fucking hated her and she never got it. She would ask me ‘why are you doing this to me???’ Dumb bitch

I was then bullied publicly online by an infamous bullier and she said some disgusting things but the worst was ‘I hope you cant sleep at night knowing that you cheated on your boyfriend and fucked bikies for money’. 

This girl has a massive snapchat following and a lot of my childhood friends follow her and my sisters do. 

Anyway, I needed to share my story because it has really affected me and I want everyone to know that its okay to reach out, its okay to talk and its okay to be sad. You are not alone and there are so many people that love you and will help you. Please get help, please talk to someone, before its too late and the trauma manifests in different aspects of your life. 

[witchdoodle]

8, 22, 25, and 29 for leith, 5, 11, 14, and 26 for pad, 13, 23, 28, and 33 for shy!

i’m putting these under a cut because it is e x t r e m e l y long yo. slight tw for self-injury and mental illness related discussion

LEITH

8. Where and when do they seem most and least at ease? Why? How can you tell?

leith can be an anxious mess anywhere, like, for them it's largely about whether they're having a good day or a bad day, not necessarily where they are. but they're definitely much more comfortable in private. alone, or with people they trust, and even then they can only handle like, one friend at a time before they need to go hide. when they're trying to calm down they're definitely more at home among nature, that's how they were raised and it's as comforting and familiar to them as someone's childhood home would be. they absolutely cannot stand to be somewhere without a clear exit and will freak out and have panic attacks and flashbacks at the top of towers. 

22. How do people respond to them, and why might these responses differ?

leith is psychotic. not pop culture psychotic meaning "violent," psychotic meaning they experience psychosis, meaning their connection to reality is tenuous *at best*. this makes them wildly unpredictable, and that makes people uneasy.

on good days they behave like most other people, just a little stranger. their thoughts are meandering and circular, but they express things very literally. they're very jumpy and nervous, anxious around strangers or in crowds, and will vocalize strange and often unnerving thoughts that are obviously not rooted in reality. their emotions may be inappropriate for the situation they’re in. they often behave harmlessly odd, but people tend to not react well to people who fall outside of social norms, especially in a society like thedas that is uh. ... well, it very much values conformity.

on leith's bad days they are not functional at all, and for them that usually means withdrawing. they are often non-verbal, or if they do speak it may be in word salad that is impossible to decipher. it's not cutesy like cole's rhyming or metaphors, it's literally just straight up nonsense. "the blue duck was at the gorge and he was a real wallop of an earth-like. we went to the side and i heard green stone dragon flower." they're not /thinking/ in nonsense, but what comes /out/ is nonsense, and they're increasingly more frustrated by their inability to communicate their thoughts, and it's horrible, being trapped in your body with your thoughts like that with no way to let them out. you can't even ask for help. they dissociate and/or go catatonic, stiffly waxy, unresponsive to stimulus but able to be gently guided around or moved, like a doll, *or* they may be highly emotional and volatile, though when leith gets violent it is self-directed; they self-harm either to punish themself for "bad" thoughts, or because they think they have to (one notable delusion is that their blood is "tainted" and the only way to get rid of the "taint" is to "get all of it out" and replace it with ???), or just to self-soothe.

and how the fuck do you respond to any of that if you're from a society that still believes mental illness is related to "poor humours" or demonic possession? most people in thedas would be afraid of them even without knowing they're a blood mage. among the inquisition, most of the inner circle has no idea how to respond to them. some try to reinforce reality around them -- some more forceful than others, others attempting to more gently guide them. flat social rejection is common: "i'm not going to talk to that thing until they make sense." a very rare, very few people are understanding and patient. solas is one of them. the inquisitor is another -- the dalish understand mental illness as a sickness like any sickness of the body. leith would have been supported and cared for in their clan.

cole understands leith's thoughts completely, even when they don't make sense to leith themself. cole thinks in feelings, and feelings don't always make sense.

we don't even need to go into the blood mage thing, we all know how people react to blood magic. "quaint superstition," in the words of solas.

25. What do they need and want out of relationships, and how do they go about getting it?

patience. kindness. understanding. emotional support. they need a lot of all of the above and most people are not able to provide that to the level they require. for their part, leith knows they're different. they know they're strange and hard to understand, and they do their best not to let the worst parts of their disorder negatively impact those they care about. they try *so hard* not to believe their paranoid brain when it tells them negative things about the people they care for -- that they're poisoning them, that they secretly hate them, that they're all laughing at them behind their back, that they're trying to kill them, etc. it's hard because sometimes they LITERALLY perceive their loved ones to be telling them to their face that they hate them and want them to die. what they need in a relationship is someone able and willing to give them a reality check, and to remind them not to believe everything they perceive.

in romantic relationships, they want to feel desired, of course, like anyone does, and to not feel like they're a burden. they need someone who understands the kind of trauma they've been through. they need extra patience. they really really really need to feel like they're not a burden, like it's an equal exchange of support. they're introverted, and very easily overstimulated, and need a partner who understands that sometimes they just NEED to be alone.

29. What kind of activities, interests, and hobbies do they have? What significance and impact do these have in their lives, both positive and negative?

leith has always liked to read; people assume that because they think things that aren't true and behave strangely that they're stupid, but that's not the case. they've always been intelligent and still are, and they're very bookish. they're especially science-and-maths oriented, as... much as there is any understanding of science in thedas. (they read a lot of dwarven literature for that reason.) they really like maths because "numbers are always the same shape, even when they're imaginary." more than once dorian has found them sneaking notations into books he'd pulled aside and been like ... shit they're right. they will happily talk about academics for hours, being surprisingly well-read. (there's not much to do in the circle BUT read.) books are a good gift idea, especially non-fiction. (they did read hard in hightown. varric asked their thoughts and they said, "it was very red.")

they're very good at chess, their thought process making them very hard to predict. only cullen and vivienne have beaten them.

PAD

5. How do they dress? What styles, colors, accessories, and other possessions do they favor? Why?

buckle in kids i love talking about clothes

pad's colours are earth tones, they look great with his colouring -- dark skin, black hair, bright green eyes, gold vallaslin. he mostly wears greens, browns, creams, and metallics, especially shades of gold and bronze, and he wears a lot of leather in the dalish style with their usual patterns and such.

so pad showed up at the conclave with the clothes on his back and nothing else and after the splosion had nothing else to wear, so i'd assume in the very early days he wore one of those hideous inquisition uniforms. harritt eventually made him some armour customized for him, simple leather padding that wouldn't impede his movement, and pad had some clothes made in the dalish style. so that's what he wore around haven a lot -- mostly dalish hunting leathers under light armour. he wore those OUT, and by the time they got to skyhold he was looking a little ragged.

since he’d been made inquisitor at this point, josephine finally convinced him to let her have a wardrobe commissioned, and his style switched to something very obviously more "shemmy":

all in white with black trim, evoking purity. the suit coat is very much a shem style, there's very little about this outfit that screams “hey, remember how i’m an elf???” he thought, as inquisitor, that he needed to fit in with humans, especially human andrastians. that it might benefit the inquisition if he played down his elfiness, and that's the style that he wore for a long time. (he still did not wear proper boots unless it was necessary.) his armour received an upgrade at this time too:

more or less the same look, but sturdier, with thicker padded leather parts and the addition of a metal chest guard to protect his heart and lungs. the sticky-outy bit is common among thedosian armour and i'd guess its purpose is to deflect blood from the face in a world where darkspawn are a common enemy and their blood is wildly infectious.

then halamshiral happened. he wore the inquisition uniform -- white with red and gold trim -- because they're a military, it was a military uniform and ohhh godddd he haaaaated it. halamshiral made him realise that trying to fit in among humans was stupid. that he didn't WANT to fit in with them. that he WANTED them to look at him and see an elf first. a dalish elf first. so his wardrobe at skyhold switched:

silver is not his usual colour, but i liked this outfit because it's very elf-y anyway; all those twisting coiled lines look like tree roots to me. pad here looks regal, elegant. he doesn't look like an elven scrapper he looks like a dalish forest prince. it is imposing, even intimidating, especially when he sits on that burning andraste throne. it also highlights pad’s beauty tbh, at this point he was more powerful than he’d ever been in his life, he was wildly in love, his confidence was at an all-time high. this is what he wore on official inquisitor business.

for more casual wear, he had this made:

lovely paisley embroidery on the shirt, the metal piece on the chest is so floral and leafy and lovely too. plain brown leather trousers. ... note that all of his is still tailored to fit his body like a second skin. pad is um. ... not a bad-lookin' dude, this would get... very distracting for people. some more than others. pad ain't gonna apologize for wearing the world's tightest leather pants, deal with it.

andhe's got his keeper robes for when he's being formally dalish:

at some point his armour changed, too. he switched from studying the way of the knight-enchanter to seeking out materials specifically about the arcane warrior, a tradition rooted in elven culture. cillian had joined the inquisition by this point, and he was a great help -- so was solas, though solas... disguised exactly where he was getting this knowledge from. ("i, uh, saw it in the fade" is his default excuse.) he had new armour made for him in the traditional elvhen style, all in gold, and tbh he is A Sight To Behold on the field. thedas might be widely racist but it is very hard for his followers not to feel awe watching their herald of andraste carve through his enemies on the battlefield resplendent in elegant gold armour.

11. How are they vocally expressive? What kind of voice, accent, tones, inflections, volume, phrases and slang, and manner of speaking do they use?

padraig has the dalish accent -- that kind of lovely lilting musical cadence that for him specifically i imagine as a cross between the welsh accent and the rez accent. i’ve yet to find a voice claim that fits him, but in terms of like, tone and depth, the male british va in the games is fine. it’s just the accent that’s wrong. 

he’s a pretty jovial, affable dude, pretty jokey and sarcastic, so his voice is usually enthusiastic and warm. 

that said, dude can’t sing at all. his voice is pretty rough and out of tune when he tries. there’s something a little charming about how self-conscious he is of his own lack of ability. 

14. What do they care deeply about? What kind of loyalties, commitments, moral codes, life philosophies, passions, callings, or spirituality and faith do they have? How do these tend to be expressed?

padraig is deeply devoted to justice. justice, not vengeance. the distinction is very important to them. things should have purpose, and the only purpose of vengance is *at best* emotional catharsis but is often just fleeting release, and temporary. justice is righting a wrong; vengeance is inflicting suffering in proportion to the amount of suffering inflicted on you.

the chantry has a long, bloody, unjust history, and an unjust present. it's an institution of violent oppression in his eyes, and this puts him at odds with a lot of the people he calls his friends now. his loyalty is to his people first -- everything he does he does in service to his clan and his people. so being at the head of an andrastian organization grated on him, it was hugely hypocritical, but pad is a deeply practical person. rarely does he make a decision that doesn’t have a practical reason for it -- this is why he so seldom executed any prisoners, because why waste a resource? ... and that’s why he DID execute erimond. he did not give a single solitary fuck what erimond wanted or preferred, and executed him simply because pad believed sincerely that erimond could never be rehabilitated and was too dangerous to thedas to let live. 

after the revelations of his conversations with solas post-trespasser, his opinion on the dalish religion ... sort of changes. like, he always only half-believed in the gods anyway; to him, they were more of an idea than something real and tangible, myths and allegories meant to explain the world around them and teach them things about themselves and mortal nature. knowing they were warmongers and slavers was ... a blow. his devotion, however, as always, is still to his people, to the end, and after trespasser he dedicates his life to empowering his people. he uses his influence and resources to fight for the dales to be restored to them, and for the elves to be recognised as a sovereign people. this does not go well.

26. How do they view and feel about relationships, and how might this manifest in how they handle them, if it does?

pad had 0 relationships before the inquisition. the dalish attitude towards same-gender relationships varies wildly by clan; generally it's not a big deal, but for some the attitude is, you know... like in a lot of thedas: do what you want, but your responsibility is to have children. especially for the dalish, where every single child is a needed and desired blessing. his keeper pulled him aside at one point to make it clear that certain "lifestyle choices" could be "tolerated," but that it was still a "disappointment" and that he had to understand that he had to do his duty. so... that was unpleasant. (she later changed her mind, and apologised, sincerely, for saying that to him. "i was wrong, and i am so sorry that i ever made you feel like you didn't deserve to be happy, da'len. if this man brings you joy, you have my blessing.")

PLUS: the clan is small. it's hard to find people you aren't related to to smooch, but especially when you're gay. he had like... zero opportunity for experimentation, or find out what he liked.

then he jumped RIGHT into the deep end of the pool with the iron bull, haha... ha. pad was not really interested in a casual sex relationship, and made that pretty clear to bull from the beginning -- and bull was cool with seeing where it went and respected pad's boundaries. bull showed him a lot of things, not just what he liked in bed but things about how he liked to be treated, things about himself. pad's always valued respecting others and communicating but bull still taught him a lot about that kind of stuff. like, not being so self-sacrificing because it could hurt others' feelings. that kind of thing.

and the bdsm element is... i mean the EXTENT to which bull and pad play is something he could maybe live without, because they get VERY kinky and most people are not so into that, but i don't think he'd be entirely happy in a relationship where the sex was ONLY vanilla.

dalish take relationships slowly and seriously. within the clan, that's because the whole purpose of pairing off is to produce happy, healthy children - which means your partner and you should get along, and also ... not have incest babies. bonding, their equivalent to marriage, is a very serious undertaking. pad's no exception. he already had feelings for bull before they started fooling around, and normally would not have slept with him without knowing those feelings were returned, but ... it was the end of the world and he was like, fuck, i just want some sort of intimacy, and i'm 24 years old and have never gotten laid, i'll take what i can get. it worked out though.

SHY

13. How do they greet the world — what is their typical attitude towards life? How does it differ in different circumstances, or towards different subjects? Why do they take these attitudes, and why do they change? How do these tend to be expressed?

shy values freedom above all else. she's been a slave -- she understands the other side. she always approves of choices that promote the ability of others to choose their fate, and strongly disapproves of systems and actions that remove the individual's ability to choose. for this reason, she's also someone who believes in joie d'vivre. live to the fullest because you could die tomorrow. she values life as a concept, the ability to do what she wants, to make those choices for herself, and rarely takes it for granted. she's pretty disgusted by people who voluntarily give up their autonomy because being in control of themself is "too hard."

... and most of what she hates about it is that she understands the impulse. oh, does she understand it. it was so much easier for her when she was an object and decisions were made for her. now? now the only one in charge of herself is her, which means if she fails, it's her fault.

23. How do they respond to difficult social moments? What makes them consider a social situation difficult?

shy haaaaaates it when people contradict her. she hates being wrong, and she's pretty pigheaded so once she starts to butt heads with people she absolutely digs in her heels and refuses to give ground. this naturally makes things way worse!!! even when she's WRONG by that point she will just straight up refuse to admit it, and honestly she's not afraid of confrontation or making a scene. this makes her relationship with sera very uh. explosive, because sera is completely the same way and they disagree about a l o t .

28. What are they likely to do if they have the opportunity, resources, and time to accomplish it? Why?

she likes to craft, so that's her go-to activity during her downtime -- she was apprenticing for that before she left the clan. she'll collect materials and make someting from them -- almost always practical things, though she's decent at carving so sometimes she makes little decorative things too. nice things, really nice things, tend to require a lot of time put into them, so she doesn't get the opportunity to create very much. she's that photoset of ron swanson in the home depot going "i know more than you." she can make some truly kickass things given the resources and time, and with a little more experience under her belt she’ll get even better.

33. How do they learn about the world–what is their preferred learning style? Hands-on learning with trial and error? Research, reading, and note-taking? Observation or rote memorization? Inductive or deductive reasoning? Seeking patterns and organization? Taking things apart and putting them back together? Creative processing via discussing, writing about, or dramatizing things?

she's a hands-on learner for sure. she needs to DO the thing as she's learning it, or else it just doesn't stick. it helps to see someone else do the thing first, but she can't just copy someone else visually and get it right. when she's trying to learn remember or memorize something she has to associate it with some kind of physical activity, whether that's drumming her fingers a certain way or coming up wtih some weird dance move for it. she had absolutely no education of any kind up until her late teens and had to learn things by being beaten it, so this is kind of new for her.

[minor-anti]

i wasn’t going to do this. i really wasn’t. but apparently i need to tell the entirety of this hellsite about my trauma in order for my opinions to be valid, so here we are. the reason why i'm a big filthy anti and why i'm against harmful age gaps in relationships.

under a read more, bc fuck is this gonna be long. tw for csa (specifically cocsa), emotional and verbal abuse, unhealthy & abusive relationships, manipulation, and cg/l

this whole ordeal started around two years ago, december of 2015. i had just turned 12, entered middle school earlier that year, and was completely miserable; one of my supposed "friends" had outed me as lgbt to my entire school, which was quite the problem seeing as i live in small town, bible belt georgia. this was also the year mental illness really started hitting me and i was questioning my identity (both gender and sexuality), so my life was just kind of a mess.

2015 was also the year i got into anime - more specifically hetalia, at the advice of one of my irl friends who loved the series. i even had a fan account on instagram, despite being 12, and that was how i came to know the aph rarepair kik gc.

the aph community on ig was kinda small at the time; the rarepair community was even smaller. i'm talking about ships that had less than 100 posts in their tags... which was really saying something since people often spammed tags. through one of these tags i met, and eventually became friends with, a user (lets call them ku) who invited me to join their aph group chat, filled with people who also shipped rarepairs. ecstatic at the prospect of new friends, i accepted.

this gc had about 20 or so members, ranging from 12 years old (me and two other members, i believe) to 18 years old. i was friends with all of them, but one in particular i hit it off with right away - a 15yo girl we'll refer to as ln, since her name is actually a trigger for me now.

we went from just being friends and talking in the gc to dming every single day. i felt as if i'd known her forever, and i'd had internet friends before (usually on forums made for children though) so i didn't feel the need to be suspicious. ln praised me for being intelligent and how i was much more mature than most people my age - an obvious red flag now.

eventually, in early february, she asked if i'd be okay being in a relationship with her, and my naive 12yo self said yes.

another activity ln enjoyed was roleplaying - and since we tended to like the same ships, i was her rp partner. eventually, even though i wasn't completely comfortable with it, they became sexual.

things really started to go sour in may. that was when i found out that ln had actually already been in a relationship when i started dating her, and that her (other) gf had broken up with her. she blamed me for it, and left me.

it's also important to mention that at this point she was slowly isolating me from my other friends in the gc. she was always picking a fight with the other members, especially the admins, which usually caused her to get kicked for a day or so. i'd always defend her, though, no matter what.

i've always had dependency issues; i rely on people for positive attention, and if i don't get it i can't function normally. i don't know why, it's just how i am. so when she left me, i broke. i cried and sobbed and begged for her to not leave me, because i needed her, i needed someone to help me function like a normal human being. i told her i was sorry i'd ruined her relationship, how selfish i was and how i'd never be able to fix it. she even ghosted me for a few days, and eventually said that sure, she forgave me.

until late august 2016 we were on and off. she'd leave, then come back, leave, then come back. it was supposedly because she was still upset over her breakup, and even though it wasn't my fault, i felt bad and said that i understood.

during the times that we were together, though, it was hell. the summer of 2016 was by far the worst one i have ever experienced. she constantly berated me, made fun of my dependence on her, and even questioned me if the things i'd done were real or if i just imagined doing them - which really hits home now because i'm kind of struggling with that exact issue rn.

eventually ln was kicked out of the group chat for her behavior and convinced one of the admins i'd been involved (even though i'd been at summer camp at the time of the final incident), causing me to also be kicked out and losing me a dear group of friends.

ln also continued to be extremely sexual with me, despite my obvious discomfort. i'll just say it up front: she was into cg/l. i still have a very vivid experience of her asking me to call her "mommy". at one point she even talked me into sending nudes, and wrote about how she wanted to have sex with me. looking back i know that these are all awful but i guess at the time i just didnt process it.

and yes, i was still 12.

finally, in late august, i found out that once again, she had been cheating. she was dating a 13yo. when i heard the news, i shattered. the one person i still had, the one i thought i could completely trust, had been lying to me. when i confronted her, she absolutel flipped told me how i was a nutcase, how nobody would ever love me because i was such a burden, said i was a freak that belonged in a hospital.

she even went so far as to harass and stalk me on other social media, causing me to effectively abandon my remaining ig accounts. (i briefly ran an aesthetics account under a different name before getting into yoi)

the last time we talked was january 2017, when she tried to talk to me on kik one last time and i blocked her. for good.

so that's why i'm an anti. because i was taken advantage of someone who was also a minor, but in a position of power over me. we won't even get into the fact that she was an avid pedo (i'm talking about 13yos and 30yos kinda shit) & incest shipper, and when i initially told her i was uncomfortable with those and they grossed me out - because i was, i literally started out as an anti - she told me it was okay because it was just fiction.

i want to keep people safe. that's why i'm here, that's why i opened this goddamn blog. i want minors to have a voice, to prevent what happened to me from happening to others. and maybe, yes, i can be a dick about it and maybe, yes, what happened was also mostly my fault - i still think it's at least somewhat justified.