#with the start of her downward spiral with her bipolar disorder

[fuckshitslover]

gallavich daughter gets diognosed with borderline personality disorder

They walked into the dark, gloomy office dimly lit by the fluorescents that were all too familiar. The couple had started to sense something off with their daughter, fearing the worst. They immediately got into the car and set off, Y/N with them. She didn’t know exactly why she was going, she had just thought they were being precautionary because of her dad’s mental illness being genetic and all that. She wasn’t worried about being bipolar, recognising all of the symptoms early on, only having a few insignificant ones. (but that wasn’t uncommon with growing up in a place like this).

You see, Y/N was adopted 7 years ago, making her 6. Her family was okay, not much better than the others in this town but not all bad. That was until they found out her brother had gotten into a car accident. He had always been the golden child of the family, so her parents went mad. They resorted to what everyone else in this city did, drugs. Her dad was a recovering addict, and it sent him and her mom into a downward spiral. Someone saw them, worried (knowing that they had a young kid) and reported it to DCFS.

She was in a group home for about 6 months, being a shy little girl and not talking to anyone. That was until two scary-looking men in big black uniforms walked in. She was starstruck. They walked over to the front desk and she ran to them, tugging on their uniforms with a big smile, trying to impress them so that they would take her home. It had worked. The next day they took her back to their shabby two-bedroom unit, and as soon as she walked in, it was a home. Their home. Now, back to the current situation.

Y/N was sitting in a waiting room chair, watching her dads walk up to the front desk, worried looks on their faces. She had been acting out recently, being closed off and getting into more trouble than usual. They tried to do their research, thinking it was nothing. They found out that all her symptoms could lead to borderline personality disorder. She had recently been getting bullied and it takes an event to set off.

They sat down in a bland-ass room, Y/N sitting in front of the desk, biting her lip. “Okay! Hello Mr and Mr Gallagher-Milkovich, what can I do for Y/N today”? The doctor said way too enthusiastically.

What joy does she get from telling people they have life-changing mental problems? “Umm, just an evaluation,” Ian said quietly, almost unsure about what they wanted. He didn't want to mention that they might know what she has, not wanting to come across eager for this situation, because he wasn’t, neither of them were. They knew that if she had this disease, that it wasn’t medicated like Ian’s, that there was no cure. “Okay! That’s all good, but we normally have the parents leave for this part of the appointment, so we’ll send someone out for you when we’re done”.

Mickey’s heart dropped, he didn’t want to leave her, he had been with Ian to the doctors countless times, never being asked to leave. He knew how stressful these appointments are and couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t want their daughter to be accompanied during an uncomfortable session.

The two men stood in fear and anxiety, not excited for what was to come. All they wanted was to be with their little girl.

“Gallagher-Milkovich? Y/N’s finished her appointment and we need to talk to you,”. Their hearts drop. That only happens if something bad is going on. They rushed into the room with Y/N there, looking at them scared. She obviously didn't know yet. “After today's consultation, and looking at Y/N’s medical records we sadly have to diagnose her with something called Borderline Personality Disorder. We can recommend specialists and therapists, but at the moment there isn't any known treatment other than therapy”. Mickey zoned out for the rest of the conversation.

No, he couldn’t go through this again. At least Ian's disorder is treatable, what was he gonna do with Y/N’s? He could see Ian listening intently, not knowing how he could bare listening to the conversation. Y/N looked scared. Of course she did, being diagnosed with a very life-changing disorder would make you scared. Mickey, who was standing behind her pulled her into him, resting his hands on her shoulder. Y/N was silent, even when she was asked a question, she wouldn’t answer.

They understood why, of course. Even the doctor did, never directly pushing for an answer. Once their appointment was done, they slowly walked out of the building and to the car. Y/N sat down, still not saying anything to her dads. Ian was trying to talk to her, but it always came out in mumbles. She understood why they were so uncomfortable.

I’ll make a part two to this with headcannons <333

[chichinaylo]

Hi,

wishing you all the best 💙

My family is in a dangerous situation due to this ongoing war and the situation for my brother who suffers from bipolar disorder is very catastrophic.

I need help for my family, every donation means a lot to us! 🙏🍉🇵🇸

I appreciate your help. ❤️

This campaign has been verified!!

https://www.gofundme.com/f/urgent-help-needed-a-journey-from-gaza-to-safety

Hey there! I hope you and your family are good as well despite the circumstances.

Please, if you can, donate to help save Nisreen, her brother Hazem, and their family of 11 members start a new life of peace in Egypt. Since the genocide began, this family has gone through a multitude of hardships, a big one being the loss of their father.

Another obstacle is their brother Samer, who has bipolar disorder. Due to all the atrocities they're facing, Samer's mental state has been spiraling further and further downwards with each passing day.

Please don t hesitate to help! This family has a long way to go until they'll reach their goal (€11,334/€50,000), so we need to get them all the help we can.

Here is a link to their gofundme, which has been vetted by @/90-ghost. Please, I beg you, read their story and be sure to share it with others.

[storytimewithnova]

EUPHORIA IMPROVED

Everyone was gathered for a sleepover at Sho and Noya's house, and they were excited to watch a movie. Kita grabbed a random DVD, unaware of its contents, and they all settled down to watch it.

But before we jump into the story, let me take you back to where it all began for Sho. You see, Sho's life wasn't always sunshine and rainbows. There was a facade of happiness that concealed the struggles and challenges that Sho faced. Let's dive into Sho's backstory.

Sho: "You did this to me!" Sho exclaimed, filled with frustration.

Narrator Sho: Hold on, let's not skip ahead just yet. Allow me to paint a picture of my journey, one that might change your perception of me, for better or worse. You may have thought I was all smiles and happiness, but the truth is far from that. So, let's begin.

Sho: I was born just three days after the tragic events of 9/11.

Narrator Sho: I know what you're thinking. How could a Japanese family witness 9/11 on the news? Well, here's the twist: I wasn't born in Japan but in Washington, D.C., the very place where 9/11 unfolded. Talk about irony.

As the movie played in the background, Sho continued sharing their story.

Sho: My parents spent two days in the hospital with me, gazing at the television screen, watching the towers fall repeatedly. The grief eventually turned into numbness.

Narrator Sho: But why am I telling you this? You see, my family used to be just like any other happy, normal family. I was a content child. But life has a way of changing people, and that includes me. Watch closely.

Sho: And then, without warning, my middle-class childhood in an American suburb...

Child Sho: 13, 14, 15, 16...

Mrs. Hinata: Sho, what are you looking at?

Child Sho: 1, 2, 3...

Mrs. Hinata: What are you doing, Sho?

Child Sho: *cries*

Narrator Sho: That's when my life started spiraling downward. My parents took me to countless doctors, searching for answers. They tried to understand what was going on inside my head.

One particular doctor had a long list of possible diagnoses for me.

Bitch Doctor: I believe she is suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder, attention deficit disorder, general anxiety disorder, and possibly even bipolar disorder, though she's a little young to be certain.

Narrator Sho: This doctor seemed determined to label me with every condition under the sun. It got to the point where my father couldn't cope with someone like me, and he left our family, leaving my mother with two kids and a mountain of debt. Truly, the father of the year.

As the others listened to Sho's story, they were shocked. Their image of Sho, the bright and cheerful individual, was shattered.

Sho: So, can someone explain all of this to me?

Mrs. Hinata: Honey, it's just the way your brain is wired. Many great, funny, intelligent, interesting, and creative people have struggled with similar challenges.

Narrator Sho: Really, Mom? Are you trying to sugarcoat it? I would've preferred if you were just honest and said that I'm "mental" or that I'm the reason for your divorce. But fine, let's play along with the sugarcoating.

Sho: Like who?

Mrs. Hinata: Well, there's Vincent van Gogh, Sylvia Plath, and even your Britney Spears

Narrator Sho: As the years went by, there are moments that I don't remember clearly, like a blur between the ages of 8 and 12. The world seemed to move too fast for my liking, while I moved slow. Sometimes, if I focused too closely on my breathing, it felt like I was on the brink of suffocation.

Suddenly, Sho collapsed to the floor, gasping for air. When she regained consciousness, she found herself surrounded by concerned friends and family, breathing into a bag.

Sho: "I'm taught every second of every day, constantly trying to outrun my anxiety," she explained.

Mrs. Hinata: Worriedly, she asked, "What's wrong, sweetie?"

Narrator Sho: "To be honest, I'm just fucking exhausted," Sho replied, her exhaustion evident in her voice.

In the present, Sho was shown taking tablets from her bedside table. She spent time with her father, seeking solace and understanding.

Sho: Curiously, she asked, "What do these pills feel like?"

Mr. Hinata: With a heavy sigh, he replied, "The absolute worst."

Narrator Sho: I used to take care of my dad after school. But that changed when he passed away. So, I guess you're watching a flashback. My mom agreed to take a second job to cover the bills, and we had a state-issued nurse who came to help for a couple of hours. Though, if you consider playing Candy Crush on her phone as helping, then she did a fantastic job. But here's the thing, it was during that time that my dad had a bunch of pills, and that's when my troubles began. Have you caught on yet?

The scene shifted to Sho taking a pill from one of the bottles and putting it in her mouth. It showed her at home, repeatedly taking pills. The scene then transitioned to Sho engaging in reckless behavior, such as using drugs, partying, drinking, and smoking. Finally, it cut to Noya going to Sho's room and hearing her struggling.

Noya: "Sho, Sho!" Noya called out, alarmed.

Noya opened the door and found Sho unconscious on the floor. Overwhelmed with concern, he started crying, unsure of what to do.

(To be continued)Narrator Sho: My baby brother found me, exposing the real me to those who didn't know the facade of sunshine and rainbows. Instead, they saw a broken person, lying in a hospital, crying her eyes out.

Sho: I spent a good portion of the summer before my second year of high school in rehab.

Narrator Sho: Listen to these assholes preaching to God. Let's be fucking honest, are any of us really going to stay clean? We're just here to appease our parents, gain some brownie points, and get back in their good graces. Do we have any intentions of staying clean? Probably not. Me? Most definitely not. I'm too far gone. But let's play the role of the good girl who has changed her ways. Upside down, I'm out of that bible-bashing hellhole.

Noya: Sho!

Sho: Noya, come here.

Noya: Hey.

Sho: Hi, how are you?

Noya: Good.

Sho: I missed you.

Noya: Missed you too, sis.

Sho: Shit, are you growing?

Noya: No.

Their mom stood and watched them, observing the connection between the siblings.

Sho: Hey.

Narrator Sho: Staging an intervention seemed like a brilliant idea for everyone involved, except for me. As they confronted me, I hurriedly searched for something in my bathroom. Frustrated by not finding it, I exited the bathroom and froze on the stairs, realizing that everyone was waiting for me.

Sho: Oh, fuck. I'm never fucking ready for this.

Mrs. Hinata: We just want to make you feel good, Sho. Living like this, lying to the people you love, being mean to the people you love... It can't make you feel good about yourself.

Sho: I don't care. Just fucking leave me alone, please.

Mrs. Hinata: I know you're in pain.

Sho: You have no fucking idea, Mom.

Mrs. Hinata: Let's get back into the car and let me take you to the hospital.

Sho: I can't get clean, Mom. I can't do that shit.

Narrator Sho: As you can see, they thought it was a fucking excellent idea to stage an intervention, hoping I would listen. Clearly, I felt I had more pressing matters at hand. And seriously, did they really think a drug intervention was the right move, Kenma?

Kenma: You don't have to do it all at once, just take it one day at a time.

Everyone agrees, showing their support.

Sho: Hey, Ken, I have a quick question for you.

Kenma: What?

Sho: Are you fucking Kuroo Tetsuro?

Kenma: (laughs) What are you talking about?

Sho: How long have you been fucking Kuroo?

Kenma: I'm not, I'm not.

Oikawa: What are you talking about?

Sho: Oh, I just... I saw him getting into his truck and then they kissed in the truck and drove off. That was like, what, a month ago?

Kenma: Ah...

Oikawa: Are you kidding me?

Atsumi: Ken, that's really bad.

Oikawa: You're fucking Kuroo, are you kidding me?

Kenma: No, I'm... (laughs) I don't even know why she would say that.

Oikawa: You're lying.

Kawa's mom: Can we just table this conversation?

Oikawa: No! You expect me to stand here next to my best friend, who's been lying to me about fucking my ex-boyfriend? I am literally going to get violent.

Kawa's mom: There's no need to get violent. We are having an intervention here.

Narrator Sho: Clearly, I stuck my foot in it again. I revealed Kenma's dirty little secret. I'm sorry, best friend, but I'm not going to hide for you. And clearly, I also know you're in the wrong. Yes, I'm an addict, but I'm not a whore. Let's get our priorities straight here. And you know, we've always had this deal never to fuck our best friends' boyfriends or ex-boyfriends, as the case may be.

Mrs. Hinata: Will you two stop it, please? I'm begging you. Let's just get into the car.

Sho: I can't.

Kenma: Let's just talk.

Oikawa: Oh, you're crying. You're fucking crying.

Kawa's mom: Tori...

Oikawa continued her rant, unable to control her anger.

Oikawa: You're not the one that's fucking hurt. You're the most self-centered, idiotic person I’ve ever Fucking met You fucked my ex-boyfriend And you’re fucking crying are you fucking kidding me right now

Narrator Sho: The situation in the room escalated quickly, with everyone talking over each other. Atsumi tried to intervene, suggesting that they deal with it later, but Mrs. Hinata had had enough.

Mrs. Hinata: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't give a shit about who's fucking who. If you're going to keep talking about it, you can just get out of this room.

Kawa's mom: Absolutely! You're all behaving like animals.

Amidst the chaos, Kenma defended himself, questioning why they would believe Sho, who was a drug addict. Oikawa, consumed by anger and hurt, demanded the truth from Kenma.

Oikawa: How long have you been fucking him? Please be honest!

Atsumi: Kawa, we can do this later.

Oikawa: Atsu, shut the fuck up! How long have you been fucking him, Sho?

Narrator Sho: Here I was, hoping I could become invisible. No, scratch that. I really wished I hadn't said anything. Now that the stupid intervention was over, I retreated back to my room. Fucking hell, why did I always get caught up in these situations? This is what Tori is like.

Mrs. Hinata tried to calm the situation, urging Sho to listen and suggesting they get into the car. Oikawa couldn't let it go, pressing for more details.

Oikawa: When was this?

Sho: Right after New Year's.

Oikawa: You dumb fucking bitch! I'm gonna fuck you up!

Kawa's mom: No!

Oikawa: Don't run away from me, you stupid whore!

Narrator Sho: The fight continued, and I decided it was best to leave while I had the chance. So, I made a quick decision. After that shitshow, I had a couple of options. I could go to Suna and score some drugs, or I could go to Semi. I chose Semi.

Narrator Sho: I had just returned home, and it was around 4-5 am. I expected everyone to be asleep, especially my mom. Truth be told, I was hoping to avoid the third-degree questioning, but luck wasn't on my side.

Mrs. Hinata: Where have you been?

Sho: I'm sorry, my phone died.

Mrs. Hinata: Bullshit! You're doing drugs!

Narrator Sho: Oh my God, this woman is insufferable. She just assumes everything. What does she want me to tell her? "Oh, sorry, Mom, I'm with my potential girlfriend. Can you kindly get off my fucking case?"

Sho: I'm not doing drugs.

Mrs. Hinata: Then where have you been? Why weren't you answering your phone? And why are you sneaking into the house at five in the morning?

Narrator Sho: Oh my God, can she let it go? Does she really want me to come out and say, "Hi, Mom, I am potentially bisexual. I could be a lesbian. I'm still trying to work that out, you know? I'll get back to you."

Sho: I was with someone.

Mrs. Hinata: Who?

Sho: It doesn't matter, Mom.

Mrs. Hinata: Oh, it matters, Sho. It matters. You're doing drugs, Noya, go back to sleep.

Noya: Sis, are you okay?

Sho: Yeah, Nishi, you can go back to sleep.

Mrs. Hinata: She's okay, baby. Go back to bed. Good night. I will not allow you to walk up into this house at 5:30 in the morning and lie to my face. So tell me the truth right now. Where were you?

Sho: Mom, I don't want to tell you everything that's going on in my life. If you want to drug test me, just drug test me.

Mrs. Hinata does just that, and it comes back negative.

Narrator Sho: Let's be real, she wasn't the only person upset with me.

[Scene changes to Sho and Semi lying together]

Semi: I'm not kidding, Sho. I'm not going to become best friends with someone who's trying to kill themselves.

Sho: I know.

Semi: I have enough traumatic shit going on in my life that I can't handle.

Sho: I get it.

Semi: I don't want to be around if you don't stop using drugs.

Sho: Okay.

Semi: I mean it, Shoyo.

Sho: I know. I'll stop. I'll get any help I need. I promise. I just need you to give me a chance.

Mrs. Hinata: You're still grounded until... I don't even fucking know what else.

Sho: I told you I wasn't lying.

Narrator Sho: So, I decided to stay clean. I have been for a while. I wasn't going to break my promise. I wanted to stay with Eita. You see, the first time I met her, I fell head over heels. When she heard that I kept my promise, this happened.

[Scene changes to the school hallway]

Narrator Sho: It was the first day of school after New Year, and I finally had everything I ever wished for. I ran straight to Semi and kissed her.

Sho: You know, you're like a dream.

Semi: [laughs] I didn't know you were such a romantic, Sho.

Narrator Sho: We kissed again. That's how I got my girlfriend. I stayed sober for her, not just because I wanted to. God knows how many times I've been tempted to run to Suna, but I know he has cut me off.

Narrator Sho: And so, as I look back on my journey, I realize that the ending of this story is not an ending at all, but a beginning. A beginning filled with hope, strength, and a newfound sense of purpose.

I continue to inspire and help others on their own paths to recovery, sharing my story and offering guidance. The love and support that I received from Semi and my support system have taught me the importance of compassion and empathy. I have become a beacon of light for those who are lost in the darkness of addiction, showing them that recovery is possible.

But my journey doesn't end there. With Semi by my side, we embark on new adventures, embracing life to the fullest. We travel the world, experiencing its wonders and sharing our love and resilience with others. We find joy in simple moments, cherishing the beauty of each day.

Together, we create a legacy of love, compassion, and perseverance. We touch the lives of many, leaving a lasting impact on those who cross our paths. And through it all, we never forget the battles we have fought and the strength we have gained.

As time goes on, I continue to stay sober, not just for myself, but for the love and happiness that surrounds me. I cherish every moment, knowing that I have overcome the darkness and emerged stronger than ever.

And as the years pass, I see the ripple effect of my journey. I witness the lives I have touched, the lives that have been transformed because of the hope and inspiration I have shared. It fills my heart with immense joy and gratitude.

In the end, this story is not just about me. It's about the power of love, resilience, and the belief in the human spirit. It's about the strength we find within ourselves and the support we receive from those who love us.

So, as the sun sets on another beautiful day, I am filled with a profound sense of gratitude. Gratitude for the love of Semi, the unwavering support of my friends and family, and the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of others.

And I know that as long as I stay true to my journey, keep sharing my story, and continue to spread love, the ending of this story will forever be a source of inspiration and hope for those who need it most.

For addiction may have once consumed my life, but love and resilience have become my guiding stars, leading me towards a future filled with endless possibilities. And with Semi's hand in mine, I am ready to embrace whatever comes next, knowing that together, we can conquer anything.

Narrator Sho: As the video cuts out, everyone in the room looks at me. Some were crying, others were unsure of how to react. But one person, Semi, walks up to me and embraces me in a hug. She looks into my eyes, her own filled with a mixture of relief, love, and understanding.

Semi: Sho, I'm so proud of you. You have no idea how much this means to me. I've seen the struggle you've been going through, and I've been scared for you. But seeing your determination to stay sober, it fills my heart with hope and happiness.

I couldn't help but smile through my tears, feeling the warmth of Semi's embrace. She understood the battles I faced, and she stood by my side, offering her unwavering support.

Sho: Semi, you've been my rock through all of this. Your love and faith in me have given me the strength to keep fighting. I stayed sober not just for myself, but for us, for our future together.

Semi leans in and kisses me, a tender and passionate kiss that speaks volumes of her love and commitment.

Semi: Sho, I believe in you. And I promise to be here every step of the way, supporting you and encouraging you. We'll face any challenges together, and we'll make sure that your journey to sobriety is a successful one.

As the room starts to settle down, others begin to understand the significance of what just transpired. Some approach us, offering words of encouragement and support, while others simply nod in acknowledgment. It's a powerful moment of unity and understanding.

Narrator Sho: From that day forward, I knew I had a strong support system in Semi and the others around me. They became my pillars of strength, helping me navigate through the ups and downs of my journey to sobriety.

It wasn't always easy, and there were moments of doubt and temptation along the way. But every time I felt weak, I remembered the love and trust that Semi had shown me. She believed in me when I struggled to believe in myself.

Together, we faced the challenges head-on, seeking professional help and finding healthy coping mechanisms. And slowly but surely, my life began to change for the better.

The path to recovery wasn't linear, and there were setbacks and hurdles to overcome. But with the love and support of Semi and my newfound support system, I learned to pick myself up and keep moving forward.

Narrator Sho: Years have passed since that day, and I can proudly say that I have remained sober. It hasn't been easy, but the journey has been worth it. I am now a mentor to others who are battling their own addictions, using my experience and story to inspire and guide them.

And through it all, Semi has been my constant source of love and support. She stood by me when things got tough, and she celebrated my victories with me. We have built a strong and resilient relationship, one that is founded on trust, understanding, and unconditional love.

As I reflect on my journey, I am grateful for every person who believed in me, even when I struggled to believe in myself. And I am especially grateful for Semi, who saw the potential in me and helped me become the person I am today.

Narrator Sho: The promise I made to myself that night, to stay clean and live a fulfilling life, has become my reality. And I owe it all to the unwavering support and love of those around me.

And as I continue on this journey of recovery and self-discovery, I am reminded of the power of love and the strength that lies within us all. No matter how dark the road may seem, there is always hope for a brighter tomorrow.

[raging-violets]

“You called me up and we talked til the morning”

You’re Not Alone [1/2]

Jacksons Tag: @dancerdramatic14

Forever Tag: @foxesandmagic

[fluorescentpipedream]

Andre Terrance - the eldest of the family, Andre lives in California and is the leader of the Aces, sometimes referred to as the Crazy Aces. Either way, you don’t want to fuck with him, he has busted heads and tends to rule his gang with an iron fist. He won’t tolerate Christian Marcone, and some of his bigger guys run with the Slayers. He has vowed honor to BP, and this follows into Queenie as well. Andre is mean, only when he needs to be. Otherwise, he’s uncle Andre to Darnell and his little sister and loves his family. Because his little brother is a senator in Chicago the two have bowed to never discuss gang violence and politics when they’re together.

Below are his two brothers: Darnell’s father *a cop in East Saint Louis* and their younger brother, the senator. 

Next we have....

Jamie Wheeler - Jamie, never James, has been Kristy’s very close friend since the two met in their first year of college. Jamie has forever been mistaken for a woman, he can’t figure out why exactly it keeps happening but this confusion is how he ended up making best friends with Kristy so it’s not all bad. He had a business degree in estate management but honestly hates his job with a fiery passion, he only did it to make his parents happy. He has a really good relationship with both of his parents though they have no idea how their son is currently making his money. He and Kristy are currently the head of a crime ring, accidentally as it were. He is exceedingly well trained in several forms of martial arts and thrown weapons as well as going to the shooting range often with his dad and his best friend (see Marshal). Jamie has taught Kristy how to use most weapons, but he left a lot of that training to Marshal

Marshal “Cap” Davies - Marshal is a former marine and drill sergeant and is best friends with Jamie’s father. He has always been like an uncle to Jamie and though he’s retired due to some damage to his right knee he still has the heart and fire in him to do something else with his life. He spent the majority of his life fighting for a country that didn’t appreciate any of it. When Jamie calls him he takes Kristy under his proverbial wing and trains her how to use nearly every kind of weapon he has had access to and agrees to be a part of their little life change. He has history as a pilot and is usually the getaway driver because he’s incredibly good at it but because he’s older he’s a bit slower than would be a good fit for a bank robber. 

  Tiger Daniels - I kind of always figured this but Tiger isn’t his real name, though I haven’t exactly figured out what it is. He took that several years ago as a nickname, though he actually has several of those. “Slim”, “Shady” and “Tiger” are all ones he got from Dre and his crew in the early 90s when he was living in Los Angeles, attempting to be a rapper. He had a pretty good start, he could have been playing stadiums but lost it when he had panic and a lethal combination of stress, alcohol and overwhelmed with crippling bipolar disorder. Dre couldn’t help him, even though he did try to but Slim/Tiger was on a downward spiral and there was little the man could do to keep his head above water. Angry that he lost what he’d seen as his one chance, Tiger dropped his career and everyone else out of his life and ended up dropping clear off the radar and wound up back in Illinois where he was from originally. He had been living in his car for a while but when Natalie found out her best friend was living like that she brought him inside with the promise that he was going to get medical help with his addictions and mental health. He was finally getting his shit together, taking a job as an auctioneer because of how fast he can talk though he was still writing and wanting to get back into the rap game. He had a second chance to rejoin Dre, doing a few songs with him but once again life came up and got him by the short hairs. This time was Natalie getting attacked and left for dead outside of a gas station in St. Louis when she went on a date with a guy. He raped Nat and left her for dead behind the Chevron station on Grand. She called Tiger in tears and he was on the next flight to comfort her and in doing so found out with her that she was pregnant. He almost immediately decided that the baby was going to be his, for Nat’s sake as well as for the sake of the baby. So Lilly is technically not related to Tiger in any other way than he and her mom are the best of friends but he will always consider her his daughter. 

When Tiger is scouted by Quinn, he’s performing in a small warehouse setup (similar to how 8 Mile goes) and he tells her the truth, he’s had a few chances and feels like its’ not really meant to be. If Dr fuckin Dre couldn’t help him, no one could. She gives him a card for Revolver and the rest is history. Once signed with Revolver, he gets in contact with Dre again and finds him not really doing his own music anymore which leads to the (I need a) Doctor song and performance piece. When Tiger performs the song the first time, he had Crystal doing the song with him as they “bring Dre back to life” (Basically, on a screen behind the stage is a bunch of rehashing of Dr. Dre videos, his life, where he came from and a constant heart monitor beeping in the background. It starts with Crystal being suspended in the middle of the screen singing her part before the light comes down on Tiger when he starts rapping his part. When they get to the point where they’re going to “bring him back” the monitor suddenly flatlines, Tiger is on his knees and gets up as Dre comes walking out doing his part. As they reach the last chorus both men move back and hold their hands up for Crystal as she’s lowered down to them and they help her down.) 

Angelo Marcone -  Christian Marcone’s younger half-brother, their mother had an affair with one of her bodyguards, though Angelo was raised without knowing until their mother’s death and he was sent off to a boarding school outside of the country. Though Christian took over a few years later, Angelo opted to stay in England where he made connections for his brother to use get involved with later. Angelo lives in Chicago though doesn’t get involved in his brother’s dealings in the mob though he is part of the business side of Marcone industries and inadvertently falls in love with the criminal about to bring his brother to his knees. Just as dangerous as Christian though without the fiery temper, his is a slow burn but he can easily kill you with a flick of his wrist. Angelo ends up falling in love with Kristy, not knowing she’s the one making the Black Mambo of Chicago coil constantly. 

Lee Jackson - Lee is on of my really old characters, he’s a former hitman who was incredibly good at his job, I think because he was a mutant, with pyrokinetic powers which he used in relation to his job. He has been married to the same woman, Annabelle Grant for several years though they have a strained marriage because of him being a hitman and also not being able to accept his abilities and not use them to cause pain to people. He and his children don’t get along that way and he originally had kicked their son, Peter, out of the house because he’s gay. (It’s been a while since I’ve even looked in Lee’s direction, which doesn’t mean much but he’s been sitting in the back of my head lately cleaning his guns) 

Zoe Terrance - Darnell’s little sister, Zoe is a dancer and a young civil rights activist who isn’t afraid to be the loudest in the room. She idolizes her uncle, the senator, and wants to follow in his footsteps, to the point that she spent last summer in Chicago with him and his wife and was his intern for a while. She is determined to make the world safe for black voices and ideas, and wants to go into fashion and music and art...and pretty much anything and everything. 

Jacoby Berenger-Mercier III - While Jacob is not a Lord, he does keep the company of several, most of which he met while attending Cambridge and later Trinity Universities. He is incredibly close to Lord Deacon Moore and Peter Danvers, and they consider him a very close friend. He also moves in the same circles as Niall Hannigan. He has a very good relationship with his family, and his sister Adeleie was staying with him in his condo in New York before he and Daelya (sp?) started dating. Jacob works as an investment banker for the stars, giving him high profile access to a lot of things. He’s very chill when it comes to his personality. He doesn’t flash his money around much, feeling that it’s distasteful. When he’s around his friends he doesn’t treat them as though they’re a higher stature than him, not that he’s poor but he has no titles. He’s an ex of Deacon Moore’s first girlfriend, Diana, and when he found out she was dating them both he broke off the relationship and told Deacon because they were friends and he values that friendship. 

Marius “Wolf” Berenger - Jacoby’s younger brother and one of a set of twins, his brother Tobias is much calmer than Marius is. For his part, Marius is tattooed and a little crazy, he had a bit of a problem staying out of trouble when he was younger but has been working as an underwear model for several years working mainly for Calvin Klein but he does actually have an Only Fans account as well. He has done phone calls as well, choosing to speak French to whoever calls him rather than speaking English. Jacoby isn’t embarrassed by his brother’s profession but tends to leave out the OF account whenever he mentions it. 

Tobias Mercier - Marius’ twin brother and honestly, Tobias is more like Jacoby in his personality. You can usually find him in an old bookstore or a coffee shop in a back corner reading or sometimes writing a screenplay. He lives in Mass. and works for Harvard’s theater company. 

@musesnotebook​ @fat-and-nerdygirl​

[medicaltms]

Behavioural Therapy Treatment for Depression

Behavioural therapy addresses the root cause of “automatic negative thoughts “in patients having depression. It is considered as the best treatment for depression. The core impulse of this therapy is the assumption that a person’s mood is directly related to his or her pattern of thought. Depression precursors can be negative thinking, having low self-esteem, mood swings, and physical tiredness. The objective of behavioural therapy is to replace the negative thoughts by validating it and transforming it in to positive thinking.

The ultimate aim of the behavioural therapy is to make the patients to transform their dysfunctional thinking and change the behaviour patterns. The patients often get in to a downward spiral of negative thoughts and it greatly affects the mood leading to depression. Behaviour therapy focusses on bringing about change in thinking patterns through behaviour modification with a specific goal pertaining to each session and the duration of therapy. Behavioural treatment can be offered in sessions either face to face or through telephone or as a structured group activity based on severity of depression.

Behavioural therapy uses structured learning experiences to make the patients reflect on their negative thoughts and flashing mental images. It also focuses on coping skills like problem solving and scheduling pleasurable experiences. Depression patients will be made to identify the trigger points that affects their mood and they will be given homework assignments at each session. The assignments are reviewed at the start of every session.

Cognitive Behavioural therapy for depression

The Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) deploys multiple strategies like role plays, imagery, behavioural experiments, guided discovery, Socratic questioning etc. CBT for depression is time bound and can lasts 14 to 16 weeks.CBT is ideal therapy with for people suffering mild or moderate depression without any medication. Research indicates that combination of CBT and anti-depressants can yield to better results in treating major depression. Behavioural therapy is really effective in reducing relapses in patience experience relapses after going through various treatments. Some of the basic traits in patients that makes Clinical depression Behavioural therapy successful are

Capacity of introspection

Receptive to new strategy

Response to cognitive behaviour modification strategies

Another trend setter is the cognitive restructuring technique which identifies and changes the negative thoughts that trigger depression. This is a collaborative technique involving therapy and patient in a dialogue mode facilitating a Q and A session. Behavioural activation is another segment where the patients engage in fun filled activities and develop problem solving skills and records enjoyable experiences.

Mental health professionals often record manual of their practices and start checking the mood and symptoms. Some patients require booster sessions to reduce the risk of relapse and also to provide refresher sessions.

Handling Depression – Best practices in Behaviour therapy

Distortion of thoughts can also lead to negative emotions like predicting negative outcomes without thinking, discounting self, labelling and rationalizing the emotions wrongly, magnifying the problem and minimising the solution, mind reading about someone else thinking and overgeneralizing a situation. Some of the best practices of behavioural therapy to handle depression are

Using positive self-affirmations

Identify positive things

Problem solving one issue at a time taking an active role

Having confidants as best friends

Choosing the most logical options evaluating pros and cons

Breathing exercises for mood relaxation and counter stress

Deep breathing to release the muscle tensions in the body

Visualization techniques like sound recognition, place pointers, sensations of touch etc

Methods of behavioural therapy

The super 5 methods of behavioural action therapy are

Identification of negative thoughts

Challenging the negative thoughts

Problem solving

Relaxation techniques

Finding professional assistance

Specialized forms of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy are trauma focuses cognitive behavioural therapy, problem solving therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy. It is important to choose licensed professionals like counsellors, clinical social workers, clinical psychologists, and marriage and family therapists. All therapists focus on current situation and some prefer to have an effective therapeutic alliance in a collaborative perspective. Behavioural therapy also deals with bipolar and anxiety disorder leading to depression and has a high response rate as an established method of treatment for depression.

Benefits from Behavioural Therapy interventions

Patients will be able to set realistic goals and adapt to logical problem solving

Counter stress and anxiety flaming up the depression symptoms

Avoiding unrealistic, pathetic and fearful situations

Identify and challenge the automatic negative thoughts (ANTS)

Journaling and keeping tracks of emotions, behaviours during the course of treatment.

Adapting to assertive techniques to handle distractions

Behavioural therapy is ideal as it helps to reduce the stress and brings a change in the behavioural and thought patterns regardless of any modality. It also enhances the quality of by focusing on a depressed person’s internal dialogue and the impact on the behaviour. Lastly one of the proven technique for depression is pleasant activity scheduling. This exercise involves fun as the patients schedule the activities that they enjoy for a period of 30 minutes, 3 hours a week. The fun activities can be reading a book, riding a bike, outing with friends or watching a comedy clipping. These pleasant activities inculcate more positive feelings of wellbeing and happiness in the mind of depressive patients.

[relapseblog]

Dear Father: A Letter I will Never be Able to Send...

I’m unsure how to begin this. I don’t know what words to use. I don’t think there is an adequate or befitting way to compose a thesis or introduction. However, I do have a vague notion of the thoughts I’d like to convey.

I am hurt. I’ve existed in a state of superposition for as long as I can remember; simultaneously occupying space in two separate but parallel realities. One is authentic, one that is insincere. Within the authentic reality I suffer perpetual agony. Within the insincere reality I function through enactment of a false display so skilled that I at times even fool myself, forgetting that my authentic reality is one typified by anguish. To a slightly lesser degree, this remains true today.

Since before I was even born the story of how I would come to exist in such a state was beginning to transpire. You abused my mother ever since the two of you first became associated until the day she took us and escaped from you. You once threw her onto a bed where my baby big brother lied, proceeding to wrap your hands around her throat asphyxiating her, whilst at the same time suffocating infant Trey under her body weight being forcefully pressed against him. You could’ve killed not only my mother, but your infant son as well. This is just one of many incidents of this kind that I’ve been told of. I am certain for each story of your iniquity I’ve been told there exists another three.

I don’t have detailed memories of the cruel torment you imposed on my mother. I have very few fractured memories of the vile things you said and did to her. what I do remember are the feelings of confusion, anger, helplessness, fear, and heartache. Feelings that I’ve carried with me my entire 25 years of life. Feelings so excruciating they placed me on a path of self-destruction where thrice I’ve attempted to kill myself, where I’ve wished for death innumerable times, where I’ve incalculably deliberated killing myself whilst writhing in tears and pain. Feelings that I wanted desperately to banish from my mind. At the tender age of 13 I became a heroin addict who would wish silently every time she stuck a needle in her veins that this would finally be the fatal shot she’d been waiting for. That this would finally be the shot that would end her lifelong torment she’d been subjected to.

It was also around this age I ceased believing in God. I did not believe that I would go to Heaven upon my death; I was not hoping to escape this world seeking refuge in a better place, I was hoping to be annihilated. To cease to exist. As though I’d never existed at all. I’d fantasize about my lifeless body going cold, then stiff, the bloating and changing colors, then beginning the process of decomposition until there would be no remaining trace of evidence that I was ever a living organism that existed on Earth. These thoughts strangely elicited a sense of comfort. But accompanying them were thoughts of how my mother and the rest of my family that loved me would feel. These thoughts were painful. Even more painful were the thoughts I’d have regarding you. I’d think to myself that if I were to die you would never even know, that if you did somehow find out you wouldn’t care because you don’t love me. The comforting images in my mind of my death did not stay comforting for very long before the accompanying thoughts made me feel worse than I previously had. Self-hatred ensued.

Before becoming a heroin addict often I’d dream of you at night. You’d come to where we lived in Iowa to visit me and Trey. Despite the fact she abhorred you and feared you my mother always graciously let you stay out your visit in our home so Trey and I could spend as much time with you as possible. You had missed us, you were happy to be with us, we were happy to be with you too. These dreams were extremely vivid. I would wake from my slumber, eagerly searching the house looking for you only to find that it was just a dream. This was very painful. I had variations of this dream at least twice weekly for four years. Eventually I stopped searching for you upon waking up, as I had accepted that it was merely a dream. Just as I had accepted that you didn’t give a fuck about me or Trey. I mean, you didn’t give a fuck about Aaron either; it was a bit narcissistic of me to believe that I was somehow any more important.

I’d always hated you for what you’d done to my mother; it’s unforgivable what you did to her, and she deserved none of the cruelty she suffered by your hands. For this, I have hated you all my life. I’ve also hated you because during my childhood in California and Illinois you never had a job, you never tried to help support our family, you were never a man. Rather you let my mother run the streets day and night committing illegal acts putting herself and our family in jeopardy because you were a lazy piece of shit. For these two things, I have always hated you. But it was during this time in my life, around age 13, that I started to hate you for what you did to me. Even thought I hated you for what you did to my mother and for what you did not do for our family I still loved and admired you. In my eyes you were strong, intelligent, wise. I loved you with the most unconditional love that anyone could ever have for another person. And you never came to see me. I just wanted to see you. To hug you. But you never came. I hate you so much for that. I loved you so much. No matter what you did wrong I always loved you. Despite my belief that you were evil I still loved you. But you didn’t love me. So, I buried it deep inside.

The first time I ever used heroin I felt brand new, reborn, like I had been recreated by this substance into someone I could never even have dreamed of being. I felt exalted. I felt warm. I felt happy. I felt safe. I felt loved. I felt serenity. Every ill thought and feeling instantly vanished. It felt as if I had been cleansed and anointed by the God I no longer believed in. There was no  more pain. I was unbound, infinite. As I continued to inject heroin into my veins day in and day out I found that I no longer had those painful dreams in which you loved me only to wake and be faced with the fact that you didn’t. For a while everything finally felt okay, better than okay. Exceedingly better than okay. Heroin comes to you as everything you could ever want to possess and own for yourself. But that’s the thing about heroin, you can’t own it, rather it owns you. I soon spiraled downward at an exponential rate and became slave to this cruel and beguiling master. i no longer had free will. My thoughts and actions were no longer mine. I now existed only to seek and use heroin. And I was still a child.

Injecting heroin every day, typically multiple times a day, continued until I was 19 years old. But I couldn’t live as a sober individual. I didn’t know how. Aside from the lifelong pain you inflicted upon me, now I had damaged my brain irreparably with heroin. Serotonin and dopamine were no longer being synthesized correctly in my brain, leaving me extremely depressed and angry all the time. I became violent like you. Moreover, the person I was at this point was someone I hated; someone I was ashamed of. I no longer recognized who I was. In my mind I was a filthy, immoral, lowlife scourge upon the Earth who had done nothing but degrade my own self and sadden, disappoint, and horrify my family to no end. I viewed myself as innately bad; I even went so far as to say to myself that I was evil. Because of the anger and rage I harbored I thought I was just like you. Which to me was the worst thing possible. I’d rather be like anyone, like anything, rather than be like you.

Even though I quit using heroin I continued to use methamphetamine and by the age of 23 I had relapsed on heroin too. Also at the age of 23 I got arrested for the first time. Then I was arrested again. And again. And again. The last time I was arrested I decided I needed to change. I was, and still currently am, in school studying criminal justice and psychology. Despite my deteriorated mental health, I always yearned to by successful. To graduate college, have a career, make my mother proud. I had spent half of my life putting her through a living Hell that I’ll never be able to comprehend. She has always felt that my addictions, my feelings of confusion, anger, helplessness, fear, and heartache, my wish for death, was all her fault. My wonderful mother whom I owe nothing less than everything believes that she has failed as a parent.I need to prove to her that she didn’t fail. If I succeed she will believe that she has succeeded. So, I quit using methamphetamine and I quit using heroin. My goal in life, my purpose for living, is to make her proud. To instate within her an overwhelming feeling of joy, success, and peace.

I have been clean and sober now for almost two year, though not without a couple of brief and minor lapses along the way, I am very proud of myself. I have not allowed these lapses to dishearten me or lead me to believe that the time I have managed to remain clean is null and void. I am affording myself grace. I am relearning how to live life. I have come to realize that I am not a bad, immoral, or evil person. I am simply a product of my upbringing which was less than favorable and of no fault of my own; though I also know that it is on me to become better, and that my past is not an excuse to continue to choose to be a bad person. I’ve come to realize that the circumstances of my birth and upbringing are not things that I can allow to define who I am and who I become. I’ve come to realize that my suffering is not in vain. I can help others who suffer as I have.

I am a heroin addict and a meth addict. This is something I must continue to manage and will continue to struggle with for the rest of my life. There is no cure for addiction. There is no cure for my bipolar disorder either. I am permanently afflicted, but I am not worthless, bad, immoral, or evil. I am a strong woman, but at the same time I am a very sad and broken little girl.

Last night (the other night at this point) I had that dream again for the first time in probably 12 years. I was little. Trey was little. Mother was gracious. You were with us. We were happy. I woke up wailing with tears streaming down my face as I placed my hands on top of my head and pulled my hair tight into my fists. All the painfully familiar confusion, anger, helplessness, fear, and heartache came flooding back. I wanted to run. I wanted to get high. I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear. I went to work that night at the emergency youth shelter here in Des Moines on overnight shift. All the boys on my unit were sound asleep throughout the entire night. I was alone in an eerily silent dimly lit room. I sat there a cried virtually all night because of you. Yet again, all the confusion, anger, helplessness, fear, and heartache resurfaced.

I don’t think these feelings, which are the product of being witness to the horrible things you did to my mother, will ever leave me. They are a permanent part of me. This is what you’ve given to me rather than love. Where your love was supposed to go, instead you have placed confusion, anger, helplessness, fear, and heartache. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with these things aside from using them to help others who feel similar things. But that still does not tell me what I am supposed to do with them when I dream of you, or when I am crying all alone for hours in pain because no matter how much I hate you I can’t unlove you. I wish I could. Living would be a lot easier if I could.

I used to view you as strong, intelligent, wise. I cannot say that this perspective has changed entirely. I will think that you are intelligent to a certain degree. My mother used to refer to you as a “smart dumb motherfucker.” To me this is an accurate statement. You’re intelligent, but mindless. I no longer view you as strong. You succumbed so easily to the vile and sordid influences of this world, being whisked away by them falsely thinking they somehow made you powerful. That they made people respect you. That they gave you control. Fact of the matter is that you were too weak to fight to retain your moral humanity, so you forfeited it. You had no power, respect, or control. You allowed the depravity of this world to control you thus becoming depraved yourself. Though I once thought you to be evil I never thought you to be ignorant to what a proper sense of morality was. I know you understand right from wrong, yet you could never summon the willpower to make the right decisions. Your trepidation of fear and lack of strength always prevailed.

In my eyes today you are a coward. You are a coward for your acts of violence and abuse toward my mother. You are a coward for being too ashamed to attempt to reconcile with the children you have forsaken. You are a coward for being too afraid to turn inward to fix whatever it is that’s inside of you that makes you so angry, calloused, and violent. To my dismay I am quite a bit like you. I’ve got your temper. I’ve got your rage. I had begun to become cold and calloused like you. I’ve got your propensity for violence. But the difference between me and you is this, I am no coward. I will admit that once I was afraid to turn inward and look at myself for who and what I was. I was afraid of what I would see. I was afraid of having to deal with the horrible things that I’ve done. I was afraid of having to relive moments from my past that I’d tried for so long to banish from my mind. Most of all, I was scared to think too critically about you. But none of this is true today. Unlike you, I am brave. Unlike you, I am strong enough to not allow this, at times, cruel world to corrupt me. Unlike you, I am not afraid of the pain associated with accountability and personal growth. I would much rather endure that pain than be forced to endure the pain of self-destruction. I would much rather endure that pain than become a monster who inflicts the pain I feel inside upon others.

I know that you were, and probably still are, in pain too. Hurt people hurt people. It isn’t an excuse for one’s shitty actions, it’s merely a fact. I no longer think that you are evil. At least not by some sort of malign nefarious nature. Any evil that exists within you is present not because you’re innately malevolent, rather it’s because you relinquished your control over the one and only thing you did have control over. Yourself. I can’t speculate much more than this about you. You’re a person shrouded in mystery and I think that I’ve finally accepted that I don’t have to fully comprehend the reasons for your actions and inactions.

I hate you. I love you. I hate myself for loving you, but I am learning to be gentle and kind with myself because regardless of anything you were my father. Regardless of how cruelly you treated my mother, regardless of your lack of ambition and failure to provide, and regardless of the fact that you abandoned me and Trey, for a short time when I was a small child you were an active and doting father to me. You made me feel like a beautiful and powerful princess in a world that does not readily subscribe beauty, power, nor prestige to black women and girls. You encouraged me in everything I did. You taught me many things that I carry with me to this day and will continue to carry with me for the rest of my life. This is the person I love unconditionally. The person that I’ve mourned the loss of for 16 long years who exists now only in my memory.

The person who victimized and tormented my mother for years without remorse as her two small children witness it crying a pleading that it stop, the person who failed to ever contribute to society and help provide for his children, the person who so easily cast his children aside, the person who seemed to delight in feeling evil. That person is not my father. That person is someone that I’ve had the grave misfortune of knowing. That person is someone that I’ve allowed to wreak havoc on my life for as long as I can remember. I don’t love that person. i abhor that person. That person is the exemplification of everything I never want to become. That person is who I fear every day that I will become because he is the reason for my anger, hostility, and predisposition for destruction and violence. That person is the cause of my greatest everlasting sorrow. That person is you.

For what you’ve done only God can forgive. If there is a God I pray that you find serenity and peace that you’ve never known on Earth. If God doesn’t exist and annihilation follows our death, then I hope that you somehow manage to make peace with yourself before death. I know pain, and it is not something anyone should have to carry with them to the grave. Not even you, Arcell.

[malakhai-ozera]

Thread || Khai & Roman

Discord text thread featuring: Khai & @romanbeckett

Mentions: @ella-isms Landon, Jaycee, Aaron

When:  June 12th

Where: Starts at the theater and then moves to Khai’s apartment.

Description: Landon drops Khai off at the theater to meet up with Roman after he hooked up with Ella and leaves her penthouse.

Trigger Warnings: INTENSE EMOTIONS && SMUT!!!

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Ro was worried about Khai, and how couldn’t he be? He had no idea what was going on with the other male really, and that was...a weird feeling. He was always so used to being able to tell eachother anything, knowing what the other was thinking for the most part. Roman didn’t feel that way now, and it just felt so...hopeless. “C’mon, we’ll go hangout downstairs, watch some tele or something.” He assured Khai as soon as they entered the theater, leading him downstairs to the part of the theater that housed an apartment type basement with extra dressing , and costume rooms. “You hungry? I’ll make you some coffee. Relax on the couch.”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ To be honest, when Roman texted him asking if he was okay. His first though was that Landon texted him. But he felt a sense of relief. He wanted to text Roman so bad with the situation. But he also didn’t know how he’d react and he didn’t wanna hurt him. He felt he already did that enough with moving out. He followed Roman into the theater and downstairs to the fancy apartment like space. Raising his eye brows a bit as he looked around and chuckled. “Damn, Ro. You got your own little love nest down here” he teased. Walking over to the couch and taking a seat. “No, I’m good. Just come sit with me. Please.” Khai knew he just kept making a mess of things and he wished it could all just stop. He just couldn’t keep himself from feeling so passionately about the people he loved.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ “My home away from home!” He shrugged, smirking at the smaller male as he tucked his hands into his pockets. He could tell Khai was at his absolute limit, or close to it at least. Ro was just so glad that he hadn’t done anything too stupid yet. Roman nodded when Khai requested he come sit down, obliging his friend by taking a seat right next to him on the couch. He insticntly moved his arm behind the smaller, and crossed one leg over the other. “Wanna talk?”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ “I can see that. Very snazzy” he grinned. His eyes followed Roman as he walked over and took a seat beside him and his grin turned into a smile. Roman always had so much swag without even trying. “Yeah, I always wanna talk with you. How have things been? How are you?” Of course Khai already tried to deflect from himself. But he got there eventually.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Ro actually smirked, and then dropped his head back in a short laugh. Of course Khai was gonna turn this around to just a normal, everyday catch up. As if Roman had meant make regular small talk. “I’m okay. I mean, stressed to the max, and in emotional distress as usual.” He joked, and then turned so that he could face the other male better. “But, you know I’m currently more interested in how you’re doing.”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Roman’s laugh caused Khai to pull his bottom lip between his teeth. His attention was fully on the other male as per usual. His hand moving to rest on Ro’s knee. “I’m sorry, Babe. I wish there was something I could do to relieve your stress.” Licking his lips as Roman turned to face him more directly he looked down at his hand on the other males leg. “Yeah, I’m doing okay. I’m just a mess. Nothing new” he shrugged.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Khai wasn’t talking, just like he’d expected. It was like lately, he choked on the details, and really getting out what he needed to get out. Roman missed his best friend so fucking bad, even over being lovers, and roommates. He loved Khai, and wanted him to be okay, and make better choices for himself. Ro placed a hand on top of the smaller’s as he leaned forward, intense green eyes focusing on Khai before he decided to say anything. “Khai. Talk to me. What happened with Ella?”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ It definitely wasn’t like Khai to hold back so many details. I mean, sure he would beat around the bush. But this was different. He didn’t mean to be this way though. He was still just adjusting to being sober and learning to handle his emotions in a way he hadn’t felt them before. Roman placed his hand on top of his, and Khai instantly rubbed the back of his hand with his thumb. It was just natural for him to be intimate with Ro. He loved him so much, that wasn’t going to change any time soon. If ever! When Roman leaned in, Khai could feel his eyes on him and he began to tear up. “I- uh-“ he began but shook his head. “I’m such an idiot, Roman. She hurt me so bad and the first second she texts me I’m falling right back into her bed.”

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ “Khai...” Roman’s face fell when Khai finally answered his question, an answer he already knew, but hearing it come from the other man’s lips in such a heartbreaking way...he hated this. Ro knew better than anything that he’d been a huge cause of hurt for Khai as well, but that didn’t mean he could handle anyone else hurting him either. “Babe, that’s how love is. It makes us do stupid shit, it doesn’t make you an idiot, okay?” He turned his hand over so that his palm could connect with Khai’s. “We all make mistakes because we want so badly to chase that good feeling we’ve had over, and over again, even if we know it’ll never be the same.”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai held onto Romans hand tightly, lacing his fingers through his. His shaky breathing from trying not to full on cry was making his whole body shake. “I know you’re right. I mean, I am and idiot. But you’re right. I just wish I could have been this understanding for you. I know I was awful. I just love you so much and I was just so scared to lose you.” Shit, Khai. Just shut up now. Focus on Ella here. “I lost her, I pushed her. I was so jealous, and she was... she was awful and selfish. I did the same thing to you.” It was inevitable now. The tears were coming down his cheeks and he couldn’t even hide it. “Why am I such a fuck up. I don’t deserve anyone. I don’t deserve to live.” Those last words crept out of him without his control, and he wasn’t sure if he really meant them. He had never been suicidal. But the thoughts were there regardless. He just hoped Roman knew him well enough to know he’d never actually take his own life.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman furrowed his brows when Khai turned this into issues from their relationship, already shaking his head before the other could even finish talking. He didn’t want him to feel even an ounce of guilt about what happened between them, especially not to the extent of not feeling deserving of life. “Malakhai.” Roman used the man’s full name, trying to snap him out of whatever this downward spiral was that he was going through right in front of his own eyes. Ro lifted his hands now to cup both sides of the smaller’s face, green eyes darting over Khai in a worried frenzy. “Don’t you dare.” He never wanted to hear words like that come from anyone’s mouth, but especially not Khai’s. “You deserve all the fucking good in the world. Every bit of it. You deserve better than me.” He tried to convince the other. “You deserve better than all of this, and it breaks my heart that you think the opposite.”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Roman sternly said his full name and Khai’s eyes moved back up to meet the green orbs glaring back at him. Romans hands cupped around his face, giving him no other option than to settle and focus. “Roman” he breathed out. His hands coming up to rest on top of Romans on either side of his face. “That’s not true. You deserve all the happiness in the world too and how am I supposed to get better than you. When you were always the best in my eyes.” He shook his head as he licked his lips and pressed his forehead to Romans. “I’m not trying to make this about us, and I’m not gonna stop living. I just want us to be okay again. I miss the way things were. Before I made things so awkward.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in to try and relax a bit more. His hands still shaking on top of the others. “I think I still love her Roman. She told me she missed me and that I’m carved into her brain and I just... I don’t even know what to do.” His thoughts were all over the place. But that’s what happens when you stop taking the medicine prescribed to you for ptsd and bipolar disorder. “I haven’t been taking my medicine. I’ve been trying to completely sober up. But all I wanna do is be numb.”

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Ro literally didn’t know what to say to that. He felt stunned, green eyes searching hazel, as if he was trying to figure out if he was being serious or not. Roman felt like all he’d done is make Khai feel terrible all the time, constantly second guessing if he was enough when Ro wanted more than anything for the smaller male to see what he was worth. He closed his eyes, taking in a deep inhale through his nostrils when Khai pressed their foreheads together. “Khai, we are okay.” He tried to assure the other, pulling back so that he could look him in the eyes for good measure. “As far as I’m concerned, you and I are perfectly fine. You’re one of my best friends, and I love you. All I want, is for you to be okay. You need to stop focusing on others like me, and especially Ella. Focus on you, and getting better.” He rubbed his thumb over Khai’s defined cheekbone. “You need to take your medicine, it’ll help you stay focused. And I’ll always be here to help in anyway I can. Jay, too. And Landon. All of us.”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai was a lover, there was no doubt about that, and even though Roman’s words were true. He couldn’t stop himself from focusing on them, or Ella. He loved them all so much, including Jaycee. He just felt so torn about everything. There was one thing he did know for sure though, and that was he didn’t want to lose any of them. “Roman, you’re my befriend too. I hope you always know that, no matter what. I love you.” He moved his hands from on top of Roman’s and placed them on the other males face. “I can’t stay away from her, Roman. It’s like, I know she hurt me. But...” he shook his head and pressed his lips together. He couldn’t even explain way he needed her. It was pointless to try. He pulled his hands from Romans face and wiped his tears from his cheeks. “Yeah, I know. I appreciate you guys so much. I really do” he nodded. Leaning back into the couch he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Anyway, I’m sorry for all this. I’m a fuckin mess” he laughed. Opening his eyes again as he dug his hand into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. “Do you care if I smoke in here?”

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman just tensed his jaw a bit as he watched the other male talk, understanding how he felt, only in the way that love was complicated. “I get it.” He said simply, shaking his head when Khai apologized, and then asked if he could smoke. “Nah, I smoke in here all the time.” Roman leaned behind them to grab an ashtray off the table parallel to the couch, moving it to the coffee table in front of them after, for easier access. “Listen man, love is complicated, and you can’t control how you feel no matter how fucking bad you want to.” Ro riffled through a drawer for a blunt of his own.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ It was so awkward sitting here with his ex talking about the feelings he had for his precious ex. But, it felt nice that he could confide in him anyway. Khai knew Roman was battling with feelings of his own, but he just wished he could be as good as Roman. Talking about Aaron though, was still hard for him. But, he was trying to get to a place where Roman would feel safe opening up about it. “Thanks” he smiled as Roman grabbed the ashtray. Placing a cigarette between his lips and lighting it up. The burning sensation into his lungs felt so good right now and he couldn’t help but to sigh in relief. “I know, you’re right” he nodded. “I just don’t wanna keep making the same stupid misstates over and over ya know? She just gets me in my head and I start to feel like nothings ever changed. It’s not healthy” he practically chuckled at himself. Holding out the flame on his lighter as Roman found the blunt to light it for him. “I feel so stupid dumping all of this on you. I mean, I know it probably hurts you, and I’m sorry.” Even if Roman was acting like they were just a couple of friends talking about love right now. Their break up was still pretty fresh, and the last thing he wanted was to hurt Roman. His eyes were practically projecting the feelings he still had for Ro each time their eyes met.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman always enjoyed being around Khai. How couldn’t he? Aside the fact that he was just so goddamn beautiful to look at, Ro genuinely trusted this man so much. He told him pretty much everything, and had always felt so comfortable confiding in him. He also took it very seriously that the sentiment was returned as well. Roman liked being someone Khai could come to with his problems. “It’s not pleasant, no.” He answered the other, reaching for Khai’s cigarette so that he could steal a few puffs. He rarely smoked after quitting years ago, but he couldn’t stop the urge when he was around one. “No need to be sorry thiugh.” He passed the cigarette back with a small smirk. “You know you can always talk to me about anythin’. I can’t imagine the mindfuck this must be for you.”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Roman took his cigarette from him and he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. He was always so sexy while smoking, and Khai couldn’t even try to not stare. Instead, he reached for the blunt and placed it between his lips for a puff. “Yeah, I know I can. And you can always talk to me too. I know I’ve been bitter about certain things. But, that’s just because I love you” he said honestly. He took another puff from the blunt before giving it back and replacing it with his cigarette and shrugged. “It’s been intense. But, you’re a great distraction.” Khai scooter closer to Roman and placed his hand on his knee giving it a squeeze. “You’re amazing you know that? I wish I could be as accepting and loving as you are.” Placing his cigarette down in the ashtray he grabbed Romans face again. “I want you to be happy. No matter what I may say out of jealousy or whatever. I just need you to know that okay?” With those words he leaned in and pressed his lips to Ro’s. Kissing him slowly and intimately, taking his time to savor each of his lips.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman looked at Khai somewhat intensely when he said those words, because...it just - words couldn’t describe how they made him feel. Khai was always so damn good at saying things...it was like constant poetry coming from his mouth on the subject of love. He was passionate, which was one of the reasons Roman had fallen for him in the first place. “I love you, too.” Ro watched the other male even closer when he moved in to place a hand on his knee, a huff of air passing his full lips when Khai said he was a great distraction. He hadn’t even realized he’d been holding his breath. He did it once again when the smaller held his face, and said everything Ro could possible want to hear. How the fuck could he do that so flawlessly? Roman practically melted into Khai when he was then kissed in a way he felt he’d never been kissed before. He chased it, eyes closed as he let the man taste each of his lips before his tongue was slipping out to beg for permission to enter the other’s mouth.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ If there was anything Khai knew for certain in this moment. It was that Roman had always been a constant. Since the moment they had met, Roman took up all the space in his head. He was in his dreams, his decision making, and most definitely always on his mind. Even after being together for a year, and breaking up the way that they did. Whenever they were together it was like nothing had changed. Roman was the one constant in his life that he had never expected. It scared him shitless to be honest. But, even the fear disappeared when he was caught up in those green eyes. As he kissed Roman he had a sudden realization that he would probably never admit. He wanted him all to himself, just the two of them. But he couldn’t do that to Jay, he knew as long as they were together. It was impossible. For now he would just let himself savor each moment he did have with Roman. Because those were the moments when he truly felt complete, and he chased that feeling to the point of exhaustion. When Romans tongue slipped against his lips, he easily parted them. Granting him permission to devour him completely as he rolled his tongue up along the roof of Ro’s mouth. There was no need for words now as his hands gripped tightly to Romans face. A soft hum of fulfillment falling against the others mouth as he finally let their tongues tangle together.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ This was a good fucking kiss. Ro reached to grab onto Khai’s forearms as he tilted his head, deepening the make out session they had already started with a low hum that vibrated through them both. God, he loved the way this man tasted, and made him feel. Honestly, if Khai had come along sooner in Ro’s fucked up journey to self discovery, they may very well be exclusive to eachother at the point. Ro smirked against Khai’s lips when he started to get really turned on, taking the opportunity to nip at the smaller’s bottom lip to signify that

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai could already tell that this was turning into something more when Roman grabbed onto his arms. It was almost as if he were trying to hold them forever in this moment, and Khai was completely okay with that. Especially when Romans hum vibrated against his lips and straight into his core. Suddenly everything that they had just talked about evaporated from his mind. It was like they were the only two people in the world, and when Roman nipped at his lips it was clear he was on the same page. Khai let his hands slide down to Romans neck and all the way down his chest. Feeling the definition of his muscles before gripping at the hem of his shirt and pulling it over his head. Taking a moment to let his eyes scan the males body before removing his own shirt as well. Pushing Roman back on the couch he pulled himself over him. Reconnecting their lips in a more fervent kiss as he let his hand cup over the bulge growing in Romans pants. “God, you’re so perfect” he hummed into the kiss. Rubbing the other man firm but slow over the fabric of his pants.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ You know that amazing sensation that washes all over your body to your toes, exciting you, and making you pant all at the same time? That pleasure that takes you so off guard, and not even because of direct contact? Yeah, Khai gave Roman that feeling every damn time they touched.  His cheeks started to flush when he felt the other’s hand travel down his neck to his chest, letting the other male take his shirt off prior to pushing him back on the couch. He went easily too, moaning immediately into the kiss when Khai’s lips were back on his, though he gasped when he felt a hand on his erection. “Mmm you are...” Ro managed to mumble against Khai’s beautiful lips while he lifted his hips, flexing his cock against the smaller’s touch through his clothing. “You drive me fucking crazy, y’know that?” Roman finally asked when they pulled apart, normally bright green eyes now darkened by dilated pupils.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ It was quite obvious that Roman did things to Khai that he couldn’t even put into words. It was like his entire body had caught fire with just one touch. Roman was exquisite in every possibly way. From the sounds of his moans all the way down to the movement of his hips. Khai was addicted in the most superlative way. He broke the kiss to slowly kiss down Romans chest as his hand continued to rub against him. His eyes gazing back up at him as a smirk spread across his features. “Good, i like driving you crazy” he said with mirth as his free hand worked on getting Romans belt undone. Pulling it forcefully from his pants before undoing them and yanking them down eagerly. Khai licked his lips as he took in the sight of Romans erection and he  leaned down to roll his tongue around the tip. Undoing his own pants and kicking them off before taking Roman fully in his mouth and tasting him.(edited)

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Khai’s lips on his chest, his scruff on Ro’s smooth skin, it was enough to make him breathe even harder than he already was. He almost felt dizzy at this point, the weed making him feel even more tingly than he would normally feel. That was saying a lot. Roman made a small whimper like noise when Khai just snapped his belt out of his jeans like that, and then makes fast work of getting him naked so that he could get Roman’s cock in his mouth. “God, babe...” he reached for Khai’s dark hair, tugging it, and licking his lips as he watched him work. “I love your fucking mouth.”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai loved having Romans cock in his mouth. The way it swelled between his lips and the way he tasted. It was enough to get him hard alone. Adding the sounds he was making and the words he was saying, and Khai was on cloud nine. Sliding his hands beneath Roman to grab his ass and squeeze it tightly to lift him even further into the back of his throat. “Mmm” he hummed with a  deep moan vibrating against Ro’s cock. His eyes watching every expression on the other males face as he guided him to fuck his mouth harder.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman was well aware of how much Khai enjoyed giving him head, and he was never, ever going to complain. His hips lifted as the smaller’s hands slid under him to grasp his ass, moaning as he began to really fuck himself up into Khai’s mouth, going down his throat with every single thrust. Roman was far from manageable with it came to his size, so the fact that the other male could take him like this always turned him on so fucking much. “Khai...” the name left his lips in a breathy rasp while his free hand slid up his body, over his own nipples, and then around his neck to restrict his airflow a bit. It always made his orgasms so much more intense.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ The feeling of Romans cock slamming into the back of his throat was something Khai could never get enough of. Which always made it hard for him to stop once he had started. But when he felt that Roman was about to cum he forced himself to  pull away. Grabbing Romans wrist to pull his hand away from his own neck as he laid back and pulled Roman over him. “I want you to fuck me” he said, with a hint of desperation lacing his words. This was something Khai had hardly ever asked for if ever. The act of being fucked by a man still leaving him a bit rattled after his past. But he didn’t care. He wanted to feel Roman inside of him, he needed it. “Please” he whispered with a soft whimper. His body already starting to tremble with need as he grabbed hold of Romans waist and pulled him between his legs.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Ro was taken off guard when Khai pulled away, and asked Roman to fuck him. He could probably count on one hand how many times he’d been asked to do so with Khai, so he knew how much it meant for the man to ask for it now. He smirked down at the smaller’s gorgeous face as he nodded, sticking his fingers into his mouth so that he could generously coat them with spit prior to getting them between Khai’s cheeks. Ro leaned down to catch his lips as he slowly attempted to open Khai up with no lube. He was gentle enough, not wanting to hurt the other male if he could at all avoid it.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai watched Roman wet his fingers with his mouth and his lips parted with desire. How was it possible that he looked that fucking sexy just sucking on his fingers. It didn’t seem possible that this moment could get any better. But once Roman was placing his fingers between his cheeks and working to open him up. Khai could barely contain the moan that flowed from his mouth. Fuck, he was an expert. He always knew just how to handle him and it drove him insane, in the best way. Leaning his head back slightly from the pressure of Romans entrance he kissed Roman back slowly. Finding it hard to keep his lips from parting with ecstasy as he nipped at Romans bottom lip. “Fuu-ck baby” he growled deeply. Clenching his teeth together as his hand gripped tightly to the back of Ro’s hair. He let his legs tighten around Romans waist and he pulled  him even deeper into him. His other hand digging into the side of Ro’s neck as his thumb pressed firmly against his Adam’s apple. “Fuck me” he breathed out shakily. His hazel eyes burning into the green orbs staring back at him with intense need.(edited)

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman was so turned on, that he was honestly surprised that he could even function right now. Khai just...how was he even supposed to describe this hold that Khai had over him? It was something that only made sense to them, and Ro clearly had no complaints on the matter. He huffed out a small breath when Khai grabbed his neck, and began pressing down. His eyes looked almost black now as he looked down at the other male with parted lips, a small groan vibrating through to the other’s thumb as he began to do what he was told. If Khai wanted to be fucked, then Ro was gonna fuck him. He began to snap his hips, slamming into his lover over, and over again, each time getting deeper, until he was nailing his prostate.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai loved that he really didn’t have to say much to get Roman to comply. Roman knew him inside and out, and that was only just one of the reasons why he was so willing to give himself completely. When Roman began thrusting his hips into him, his eyes fluttered shut and his lips parted with sheer ecstasy. His hand gripping tighter around Ro’s neck the harder Roman slammed into him. “Fuck... yesss” he hissed. Slightly lifting his upper body from the couch to bite at Ro’s jawline as he felt him thrust deep into his prostate. The pain mixed with pleasure that he was feeling right now caused his entire body to shake. His muscles tightening throughout his entire body as he pulled his hand from Romans hair. Placing his fingers into his mouth before reaching down to press them between Roman’s flexing cheeks.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman mad a small strained noise when Khai tightened his grip, feeling himself get pushed even closer to the edge. Khai was so fucking hot, and tight, it was hard to really hold himself together. Fuck. His teeth at Ro’s jaw, his fingers at his entrance, the man must be trying to actually KILL him, and honestly, what a way to go?? “Khai...” he moaned, still thrusting the best he could, though slowing to keep himself from exploding before his lover could.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ When Roman slowed his thrusts it practically sent Khai reeling over the edge. His mouth gapping open as he fell back onto the couch and his body began to tremble even more uncontrollably. “Fuck Roman... don’t stop” he moaned as he felt himself release all over the males chest. His hand so tight around Ro’s neck now he was most definitely blocking all passage of air.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ When Khai exploded all over his chest, Ro felt like he might actually die from how hot it was. Maybe that was just the whole choking thing, putting death in his mind, because he most definitely couldn’t breathe. Roman felt his eyes slip closed beyond his control as his lower stomach clenched, and then he ended up filling Khai up completely, snapping his hips until he was completely spent, and collapsing on top of the smaller.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ As soon as Romans hot cum had filled him up and he had collapsed on top of him. Khai loosened his grip around his neck. Moving his arms to wrap tightly around Romans body as they both fought to catch their breath. “You’re so fucking amazing” Khai breathed out as he pressed his lips to the side of Romans head. The only word to describe what had just happened between them was, euphoric. Their bodies still connected in the most intimate way as they laid together in a state of intense and consuming rapture.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Ro just pressed his face to Khai’s neck, kissing it a few times before finally pulling back to lay is cheek against the other’s tattooed chest. Yes. It was amazing, but now his brain was all confused. Every time he was with Khai, it made him have to stop and think about things, and of course, it caused him miss Khai greatly. “Right back atcha.” He rasped, voice barely audible as he nuzzled against the other male.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ The soft kisses Roman placed along his neck caused him to hum softly. His hand coming up to stroke the other males hair as he laid his head upon his chest.  He couldn’t seem to keep himself from smiling as he heard Romans words. His eyes closing and savoring the moment as he felt him nuzzle against him. It didn’t matter if they were fucking or fighting, Roman always had a way of leaving him speechless. “I love you” he whispered. His chest rising and falling with all sorts of emotion he couldn’t seem to put into any other words.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman closed his eyes tightly when Khai said he loved him, because he knew that wasn’t said lightly. He just...hated that he’d hurt Khai so much by being so fucking indecisive. It had nothing to do with how much he did, or didn’t care about Khai, or how much he wanted him. He wanted him, so much, he was just fucked up when it came to relationships, just like Khai was himself. It was something they both struggled with, and yet they kept ending up back here. “I love you, too.” Ro rasped back, letting his fingers dance along the other’s side. He finally popped his head up to look down at his ex, smirking because it was sinking in what they’d just done. “Glad no one else came in. Shit.” He laughed.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai was so caught up in the moment and the feeling of Romans fingers on his skin. He didn’t even realize someone could have burst in on them. But, truthfully he didn’t really care either. He opened his eyes and gazed back at Roman with a mischievous grin. “Now that would be a production I’d definitely pay to see” he joked. Pulling his bottom lip between his teeth as he took in the sweaty mess of his ex laying on top of him.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ “Ha! Yeah, same.” Roman laughed, smirking down at the way Khai was biting his lip. God, that was just so unfair, the way he looked when he did that. “I can’t believe we never made a sex tape. Like. That genuinely shocks me.” Ro solidified outloud, realizing it for the first time himself. “Seems like s’mmat we would definitely do...”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai couldn’t help but laugh out loud at Romans realization. “I know right? We should totally do that some time. I’d be down” he smirked. Just thinking about it was giving him all sorts of ideas. “You know, I also actually did porn once. But then I met you. So...” He shrugged his shoulders but his grin never faded. “We should definitely explore that” he nodded. His hand reaching down to boop Roman on the nose.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman raised a brow in interest when Khai mentioned being down to make a sex tape, and then admitted he did porn once. That sounded...like something he needed to see. Ro scrunched his nose when it was booped, both dimples out as he grinned down at the smaller. “What kind of sex tape would we make, hm?”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Roman was just so fucking adorable. The expression he made to Khai’s confession and the way his dimples popped out. Khai couldn’t contain the giggles that escaped him. Wait.. did he just giggle? What the fuck, Khai. He pressed his tongue to the corner of his mouth and bit down on it slightly in though. “Hmm... it doesn’t matter. As long as it’s with you. I’d let you do whatever you want” he said honestly.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman was well aware that Khai would do just about anything for him. He tried not to take advantage of that, but at least the times in which he did just a little, it was in regards to things they both loved. “Can we...go back to your place?” He found himself asking outloud, though it shocked him that he asked it. Ro just knew the second Khai walked out that door, their time together might be over, and that was hard to grasp.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ When Roman asked to go back to his place, his brow lifted slightly. Did he wanna make a porn right now? Well, okay then. “Yeah, of course we can. It’s still kind of a mess of boxes. But, yeah” he nodded. Grabbing Romans face and kissing him hard before letting him pull away from him.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ “I don’t even care, I jus’...” Roman smiled into the kiss, because he loved how desperate it was, like Khai needed it right this second. Relatable. “No, I ehm...” he finally sat up, and ran a hand through his long curls before rubbing both hands over his face, resting his elbows against his knees. “I guess I jus’ don’t want to stop spending time together just yet.”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ The look in Romans eyes made Khai’s heart skip a beat. It was like he just needed to be with him or he would crumble. Khai could definitely relate. “I don’t want to either” he admitted. Sitting up in front of Roman and placing his hand on his ex’s cheek. He didn’t need to say anything, his eyes said it all. “You should stay the night” Khai suggested boldly. His thumb rubbing slowly over Romans lips as he starred into his eyes.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman swallowed hard when Khai reached for his cheek, lips parting easily before he felt the other’s thumb on his soft, pink skin. Staying the night. He’d have to tell Jay something, especially since he never spent the night with anyone else, not even Aaron before he’d gone exclusive with Khai and Jay. But, he so badly wanted to go with Khai, and stay the night. “Okay.” Did he just actually say that? Yep. He did. “I’ll stay the night.”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Why was is so hard to pull himself away from Roman right now? He had literally showed up spewing that he might still be in love with Ella, and now... Now the only person he cared about or wanted to be with was Roman. He always had that effect on him. There wasn’t anything he would ever be able to do to change that, and he knew it. “Good” he smiled. “I’d really like that a lot” he said honestly. Leaning in close as if he were going to kiss him, but instead just pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. “Are we gonna go naked? Or should we get dressed?” he asked with a chuckle.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman was now smiling like an idiot - literally, like such a fucking dork. This just made him so giddy for some reason, especially since he and jay hadn’t really been intimate much lately, and he hadn’t been with anyone else. He’d missed Khai. He couldn’t help but to feel that way about someone he’d been with for a year. Ro was truly effected by the way that Khai got close, and then buy his lip like a little shit. “Yes Khai, we’re gonna walk up, and out of the theater with our cocks out.” He joked, shaking his head with a small chuckle before standing up the start getting his clothes back on.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai couldn’t take his eyes off of Roman. The way he was smiling caused him to smile too, it was infectious. He watched him climb off the couch and start to get dressed, laughing at his words. Not moving an inch as he took in the vision in front of him. “That would be a sight to see, now wouldn’t it?” he mused. Finally scooting to the edge of the cough to get his clothing back on as well.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ “A sight that at least would be good.” He assured the other, turning to wink at him as soon as he was fully dressed. Roman took his car to follow Khai back to his place, his heart practically beating out of his chest through the entire car ride. Why was he so fucking nervous? This was Khai. His Khai, that he’d been with for a year, and known even longer before that. It just felt different this time, and he had no idea if that was good or bad. “Holy shit, man. This place is...wow.” He observed while walking around Khai’s flat. He’d meant to get over here to see it sooner, but clearly hadn’t followed through.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai didn’t really feel any type of nervous until he was standing in his apartment watching Roman look around. His heart was practically beating out of his chest now, as he stood rubbing the scruff on his face and smiling at Romans reaction. Khai never was the type of guy to flash his money around. He had lots of it but tended to live as if he didn’t. Now there was no hiding it. His flat was top of the line modern boujee. With a touch of old classic comfort. It was definitely not something Khai intended to ever buy himself. But it was the only thing open and close to where Roman was. So, it had to do. “You like it?” he asked, already knowing the answer. “It’s gonna look a lot better once I get everything unpacked. I have all these classic paintings I wanna hang, and I’m still waiting on the black matte piano that’s gonna go over there in the corner.”

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ “I fucking love it.” Ro expressed genuinely, the smile on his face so pure, and honest. He was happy for Khai, because this place really fit him, much better than the house they were all in together. This apartment was more his taste. Ro really did love it. “Man, you have to let me know when you get that piano in. I wanna drool over it, then play the shit out of it!” Roman smirked, and then stepped out of his boots to be polite. “Show me the rest?”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ It made Khai feel really good that Roman genuinely liked the place. It definitely was more his style, and with the added aesthetic of himself, it truly showed another side of him. “Yeah?” he asked with a genuine smile. Nodding his head at Romans request to see the rest. He took of his boots as well and led Roman through the kitchen and into the living room. “This is my... living space with a balcony” he chuckled. Rubbing his lips together as he watched Roman take it in. “...and over here, is the bedroom.” Leading Ro into his room made his heart skip a beat. All he wanted to do was climb into bed with his ex and hold him, gazing out the picture window. Waking up with him like that seemed so euphoric. “So.. that’s basically it. Unless you wanna see the bathroom” he grinned.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman was just in a constant state of awe as they walked through the apartment, his mouth pretty much just in a constant state of open. This place was perfectly designed, and modern. Damn. He could really see himself staying here a lot. When Khai said this was it, Ro turned to flash a smirk at the smaller before he was taking off running to jump on the bed. It needed a bounce test, and comfort evaluation. “Oh yeah!” He called out in reaction to how nice the mattress was, adjusting himself on his back while he stared straight up at the ceiling. “This, is niiiice, man. Hey.” He moves up onto his elbows, looking probably much like a mix between an adorable sugar baby, and a sexy grown af man. “What drugs you got?” He asked with wiggling brows.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai watched Roman with his bottom lip caught between his teeth. God, he was such a vision. The way he looked laying on his bed was already making him twitch beneath his jeans. Top it off with that look he was now getting, Khai felt so weak. “Drugs?” he asked with a laugh. “I have weed...” he raised his own brow. Was this Romans way of testing if he had really been staying clean. “Why?” he asked, walking over to sit beside him on the bed. “What type of drugs do you want, babe?”

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman smirked to himself when Khai responded in that way, as if the question had somehow taken him off guard. Ro held himself up on his elbows as he looked the other male over, a dimple just every single slightly showing in one cheek while his eyes settled on the smaller’s face. “Weed’s good for me.” He winked, knowing he was being a little shit, but when was he not? “Can we smoke in your sweet ass bed?”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ If Khai could frame Roman in a painting and put him on a wall right now, he totally would. That damn dimple of his teasing him as he pushed his hair back from his face and licked his lips. “You sure about that?” he asked, his voice dropping half an octave. He kicked his shoes off and crawled across the bed to kneel in front of his ex. Reaching over him with their faces practically touching as he pulled open the bedside drawer. “Absolutely. Anything you want” he grinned.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Ro watched Khai closely as he moved over to the bed, and loomed over him during that reach. Fuck him. He knew what he was doing, and the way Roman was eyeing him showed just how much it was effecting him. It was almost comical how quickly he could get turned on by this man. “Anythin’, huh?” He smirked, eyes still on the smaller even after he moved away from the side table. It felt so surreal, to be with him again, flirting, this time in Khai’s own place, with no one else around, or even the threat of someone coming in on them.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Romans reaction to him always made him tingle all over. He loved teasing him and leaving him wanting more. It made him feel craved and desired, he couldn’t help it. As he sat back on his knees he nodded his head. “Mmhmm, anything” he clarified. Clutching a small baggy in his hand as he reached out to touch Romans lips with his thumb. Being alone with him like this was so fucking sweet. No interruptions, no shared attention, just the two of them. “You got something in mind?” he asked. Licking his lips again as he forced himself to not give in to kissing him.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman easily parted his lips for Khai when he touched him like that, letting his tongue dart out long enough to get a quick salty taste of the other’s thumb. “Mm, thought we could get high, and I can swallow your dick.” Ro replied so nonchalantly, like he’d said something completely normal, and in public. “You love that I can take you balls deep.” He practically whispered, choosing to move in, and gently brush his soft fushia lips against Khai’s scruffy jawline while he tried to make them a blunt.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai could barely concentrate on what he was doing. Roman was always so good at distracting him in the best possible way. He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and hummed as Roman kissed his jawline and he shook his head. “You’re gonna make me spill the weed talking like that” he chuckled. Bringing the blunt to his lips to lick it closed. “You wanna do the honors? Since I’m pretty sure you can’t handle my cock between those lips” he teased. Using his hand to pinch Romans inner thigh as his other handed him the blunt.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman let out a naughty chuckle when Khai said he was gonna make him spill the weed. When the blunt was done, Ro gladly grabbed it from the smaller to “do the honors”, giving him a sassy look at the comment. As he brought the roll to his lips, he felt Khai pinch his inner thigh, and instead of being ticklish, or whatever else might be expected in reaction, Roman chose to instead spread his legs for the other male, showing his growing bulge between his legs as he pulled in a deep inhale of smoke, and then blew it out slowly through full lips.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Once Roman had the blunt between his lips, his eyes fell to his bulge. Lips parting with eyes full of ecstasy as he leaned back. Removing his shirt before his back rested  against the headboard. As he watched Roman blow out the smoke he unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants only have way. Teasing his lover with the easy access he was giving to him as his hard cock tried to bust through. “You wanna taste me?” he asked. Reaching for the blunt and placing it between his lips as he rubbed himself over his jeans.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ This weed was so good, that it only took a couple of hits for Ro to start feeling it. He had already been horny, but now it was magnified. Roman lulled his head to the side when Khai asked if he wanted to taste him, swiping his tongue out to lick his lips as a first response. After a few seconds, Roman moved, changing his position to get in between the other’s legs so that he could help get his jeans off the rest of the way, watching with wide green eyes as his length sprung free. “Think I can take it all, daddy?” He asked in as innocent of a voice as he could muster.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai placed the blunt between his lips as his eyes followed Ro’s movements. His hips lifting in anticipation as his pants were pulled from his body. His cock already hard and throbbing with excitement as he inhaled a deep hit from the weed and nodded his head as the smoke left his lungs. “I have no other expectations” he replied. A sexy grin forming on his lip as he awaited his lovers next move.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman swallowed hard when Khai spoke to him that way, because he was just so fucking sexy, and he couldn’t think of anything else he’d rather be doing right now than taking this man’s cock. “Good, daddy.” He rasped, and then leaned in to kiss the tip of Khai’s cock. It was slow at first, gentle, and focused as he kitty licked the pre cum from Khai’s length. But, then it was time for business, and Ro sank all the way down until the smaller’s cock was halfway down his fucking throat.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ It wasn’t very often at all that anyone got Khai into this position. He was very dominating, and liked to be in control. And this right here, letting someone suck his cock. It was a sure fire way of getting him to lose control. But he didn’t care, he wanted Roman to experience him in every way possible. Giving himself to him in the most vulnerable and submitting way he knew how. As Roman teased his tip with his tongue, Khai couldn’t contain the soft moans that escaped him. His cock twitching with even more anticipation than before. “Fuck, baby” he breathed out with a whisper. Taking one more hit from the blunt before Roman took him almost entirely down his throat. “Shiiiit” he hissed as the smoke escaped him. His hips lifting from the bed as his body flushed with goosebumps.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Ro knew how to suck a cock. He’d even consider himself to be a cock slut, in fact. He kept eye contact with the other as he began to bob up and down on Khai’s length, moaning for some vibrations as he hollowed his cheeks, and sucked him intensely. Ro really wanted to get kinky now, and shifted gears, taking Khai’s cock so deep that he began lightly choking on his partner’s erection, hands now moving behind his back.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai could already tell he wasn’t gonna be able to handle this. His hand moving to grab Romans hair so tightly as he tried to pull him away a bit. But obviously not really wanting him away, as his hips thrusted into the others mouth. He bit down hard on his bottom lip as he tossed the blunt to the ashtray beside the bed. Lifting his upper body from the mattress as Roman swallowed him whole and began slightly choking on him. “Fuck...” he growled through gritted teeth. His free hand moving to Romans shoulder to dig his fingers into his skin. “Stop... shit. Fuck, don’t stop” he moaned. His body trembling beneath his lovers lips.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman knew that Khai was having a hard time restraining himself from cumming, which always made Ro so damn happy honestly. It was like a bloody good pat on the back. Even though he was being told at first to stop, he hadn’t wanted to stop, and hadn’t planned to regardless. Instead, he continued choking himself on Khai’s cock in between giving the best damn blowjob of his LIFE. His eyes were watering, lips an angry red as they stretched around Khai’s sizeable girth. He was just waiting to take the smaller’s seed, ready to swallow every last drop.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Roman was a goddamn expert at giving head, and he knew it. The few times he had let Roman suck him off before didn’t even compare to this moment right now. Maybe because he was sober now, but his body could barely even contain how good it felt. His his thrusting harder and deeper into his lovers throat uncontrollably as he fell back onto the bed and gripped his own hair in tight fists. “Jesus fuckin Christ” he growled from the back of his throat as his entire body shook with pleasure. Cumming harder than he had in quite a while as his hips lifted all the way up into Romans mouth.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman was more than pleased when Khai finally began to cum, taking it all down with several swallows. He even made a point to suck a few more times on the tip, his tongue properly getting any last taste from the opening prior to finally pulling back, and wiping his mouth off on the back of his hand. “Yum.” His voice was SO fucking low, the underlying gravel orgasm worthy on its own. Ro chose to turn and flip onto his back beside Khai once again, running a hand through his slightly damp curls as he looked up at the ceiling.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai laid there breathless as Roman rolled off of him and starred up at the ceiling. His hands still covering his face as his body still shook from the overwhelming pleasure. He couldn’t even speak right now. Instead rolling over and hiding his face in his ex’s neck. Unable to look at him at the moment as he gently bit on Romans shoulder.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman wrapped an arm around Khai when he rolled over to hide his face into the side of his neck. Ro really did love Khai so much. They had a connection neither one of them could deny, and he had a feeling it wasn’t something that was ever going to go away. “Alright?” He finally asked with a small raspy chuckle to follow.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai felt so safe and content with Romans arm around him. It didn’t matter what they had gone through, or what had happened to lead them to this moment now. All he knew was that this man owned his heart. Wether he wanted it or not, it was his. Laughing softly at Romans question he rested his chin on his shoulder and gazed over at the others beautiful face. “No” he grinned. “I’m so much better than alright” he corrected. “Don’t ever do that again” he chuckled. Sliding his hand up underneath Romans shirt and tracing lazy circles around his nipples.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman snickered, glad that he could take that as a sentiment that he very much enjoyed what had just happened to him. “Okay, I’ll never do that again.” He replied sarcastically, hissing when he felt the other’s hand slide up his shirt, his fingers finding his ultra sensitive nipples. “Babe.” Roman half whines while letting his head drop back on the pillow. His Adam’s Apple was now visible as he arched his neck, and swallowed hard. He was so fucking horny, that pretty much anything would make him want to nut right now.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ “Good, you better not” he mused. Rolling over top of Roman and sitting on his legs as he looked down at him. His hands moving to pull off his shirt before letting his tongue find his nipples instead. “You’re so hard, baby” he breathed out. Letting his breath hit the wetness he left upon Ro’s hard nipples as he smiled up at him. His hands now working to get his pants off as his mouth continued to tease his lover. Moving slightly to remove his pants completely he tossed them to the floor. His hands pushing up his ex’s defined chest before dragging his fingertips down to his hips. “Tell me what you want me to do, daddy. I wanna make you cum.”

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman simply let out a shuttered huff when Khai made his observation about Ro’s arousal. He’d been hard for a hot minute, and the way the other was teasing him - christ...CHRIST! It wasn’t going to take long for him to cum at all. “What do you want to do to me, baby?” He moved his head to lock eyes with the smaller. “If you could do anythin’ to me right now, what would you do?”

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Khai knew he was driving Roman crazy just by the shudder he huffed our. But he loved it. Teasing was one of his strong suits and right now, he was using it to his full advantage. “Hmm” he hummed licking his lips. Taking a moment to let his fingertips trail around the base of Romans cock. Without ever really touching him. He let his eyes scan over Romans body and the moved off of him. Grabbing his arm and guiding him to flip over before pressing the back of his head down onto the pillow. “Don’t make a sound” he instructed. Restraining Romans arms behind his back by the wrists, as he placed a few fingers into his mouth. Using them to moisten Ro’s entrance he teased him a bit with his fingers. Soon leaning down to lick his anus getting it even wetter as he tightened his grip on his wrists. “I’m gonna fuck you so hard” he assured. Lifting back to his knees and without warning pushing deep and hard into his lovers hole.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Ro had no idea what the other was gonna do with him. His cock was flexing through all the teasing, and he was trying so fucking hard not to fuck up against the sensation. Roman needed to be patient, and obedient for his lover. For now, at least. He was perfectly pliable when he flipped over for Khai, nearly whimpering at the order to not make a sound. Oh god, he loved to be bossed around so fucking much. Khai knew that, naturally. Listen, none of that mattered though the second he was told how hard he would be fucked, and the push of his knees, and Khai’s cock into his warm heat was like the thrill of a rollercoaster. “Ughhhhh...” Ro moaned, already forgetting being quiet thanks to being caught of guard, wrists clenching into fists behind his back.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Roman looked so sexy laying there with his ass perfectly up in the air for him. It made it hard for Khai to be patient himself. Knowing it might have hurt him the way he just pushed into him like that. He rolled his hips slow as he held himself deep into Ro's core, slapping his ass for vibration with a satisfied smirk. "I told you not to make a sound" he growled. Pulling Roman up so that his back was against his chest, forcing him even deeper as he began to thrust against his prostate.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Ro was panting, trying to catch his breath before anything had really started. He groaned when he was reminded of the command, going easily when he was pulled up to rest back against Khai’s front. Roman was starting to slip into such a submissive state of mind, the one he got to when he could barely string words together to form a coherent sentence. Yeah, that place. What record timing too. Still, he tried to stay as quiet as possible, instead focusing all of his efforts into relaxing around Khai’s cock, just to end up squeezing around him in pleasure beyond his control.

ღ 𝕂HAI ღ Once Romans back was pressed against his chest. His hand made its way to wrap around his neck. His other hand wrapping firm around Ro’s length as he stroked him slow and hard. “Fuck baby” he hissed. Feeling Roman squeeze tight around him as he barely moved his hips back and forth. He wanted to stay as deep as he could as the feeling of Roman losing control drove him crazy. Causing him to roll his hips as he slightly leaned back pulling Roman along with him. His hand tightening around Ro’s neck as his own weight pressed him back even deeper into Khai’s length.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Khai knew exactly what Roman liked, as if he’d been studying him in school. His chin immediately jutted upwards at the presence of a hand around his throat, willingly allowing himself to be restricted of air. Kinky at its finest, but both men were messed up, and had gone through very traumatic, sexual experiences in their young lives. That would effect anyone, and would be deeply rooted in them forever. At least together, they could let that out. A strangled moan left his lips when Khai tightened his grip, and buried himself like that. Fuck, it felt so good, and barely being able to breathe only served to heighten the experience. Ro squeezed around the other male’s length, and reached back with his dominant hand to bury his fingers into Khai’s dark hair.

[bethanyrob-archive]

Stats:

Name: Bethany Louise Robinson

Birthday: January 3, 1994 / Capricorn

Hometown: Toronto, ON, Canada

Job: Physical Therapist

Sexuality: Pansexual

Positive Traits: hard-working, passionate, resourceful, sensible, honest

Negative Traits: standoffish, nit-picker, quiet, daddy issues

Biography

(( TW: Bipolar Disorder, Domestic Violence ))

Bethany was born in Toronto, Ontario, Canada where she spent the majority of her childhood. She was raised by a single mom for the majority of her childhood before getting married to her step-father. Beth barely knew her father. Her mother met her father when she was living in New York City in high school. Beth was conceived on prom night, and her mother didn’t tell her father the Beth existed until nearly a decade later. Bethany never really had a good father-figured in her life. She never had a good relationship with her deadbeat father, and was never really close with her step-father. Beth knew she had a half-sister; they had met a couple times when they were children, but Beth was never able to a foster a deep relationship with her. 

Beth, her mother and her step-father lived a modest, middle class life. Her mother and step-father valued hard-work and honesty. Beth worked hard throughout her childhood and teenage years in school. She spent all day and night studying and working on her course work. She had friends, but she was rarely ever able to spend time with them because of her family’s pressure to be the best. Beth didn’t rebel before university; she never got the chance. 

In her early university, her mother and step-father noticed Bethany’s behavior changing. She would experience chunks of time of severe depression and paranoia, and chunks of time of high energy. Her GPA dropped and she began partying more than normal. Soon later, Beth was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a disorder that had been on her mother’s side of her family for several generations. Bethany is good at managing her disorder, using medication and therapy to cope with the disorder. She fears that going off her medication and being not being able to properly manage her disorder will throw her into a self-destructing downward spiral. 

When Beth was in DPT school, she fell in love with a man who she thought she was going to marry. In the beginning, he was everything Beth could have wanted and more. Soon enough, however, the relationship became toxic. Soon after that, it became emotionally and verbally abusive. He made her think she was crazy, and slowly began starting to isolate Beth from her friends. After 6 months of enduring an abusive relationship, she graduated DPT school and decided enough was enough. Bethany reached out to her estranged sister and decided she wanted to get to know her better. Beth packed up her life and fled to Kingsboro, Brooklyn, NY to start a new life. 

[eleventybiillion]

Dating

Remember when I said I was gonna get real personal? Yeah, it's happening right the fuck now. I signed up for a dating site. A few weeks ago. I may have been really drunk when I did it and my status with my ex was, uh. Questionable. I also may be really drunk right now as I write this. Which just means no filter, so have fun.

So now I'm dating. For real. That kind of dating you're supposed to do in your early 20s when you're not still dating that One Guy you've had an on-and-off thing with since your freshman year of high school. And I wish I could say I'm enjoying it, but the truth is, it's flaring up some of the worst anxieties I have about myself and the pain I've experienced from past relationships.

Since I was maybe 12, I've been putting myself down, relying on self-deprecating humor to brand myself as "the funny one" in all my friend groups because I felt that was the only thing I had to offer. And even then, I often felt so painfully unfunny that I just wanted to remove myself from everyone around me because I had no redeemable qualities.

This view of myself carried over into every aspect of my life. Especially relationships. It was a big deal when I decided to open up and be vulnerable to someone. Because I'd carried this notion that I wasn't worthy of anyone's time, affection, attention, or love for a significant chunk of my life.

The first person I ever opened up to completely was my ex, Duncan. We met in middle school, started dating in high school, and ended up in an on-and-off thing for almost ten years. He was (and still is) my best friend. But things happened, we broke up, and he ended up killing my trust in him by sleeping with someone shortly after we broke up. Mind you, we had broken up with the notion we might get back together in the future, once we learned to better ourselves to better our relationship. We had also been together for a seven-year stretch. He insisted we stay apart but kept me close as an emotional crutch. Maybe I'm crazy for getting so upset, but I was. I was devastated. This was the guy I fell in love with in high school and stayed with through my mid-20s. We went through so much together and all of that felt absolutely negated the second I got the text saying "yes, I'm fucking her, is that what you want to hear?" I don't remember ever saying this, but he told me that I said, "As long as she's in your life, I won't be."

Then there was Josh. I met him online and I developed feelings that I hadn't felt for a long time. It was one of those friendships that was easy and fun. I was into him. And, surprising to me, he was into me. We'd flirted with the idea of meeting in person. I naively thought that this might be a real thing. But later on, after receiving some upsetting news, he began to spiral downwards into alcohol and apathy. I tried to be there for him, but was always met with hostility. Finally, after months of a painful balancing act of offering support and giving him space, I asked if he wanted me to leave him alone. The response I got was, "Bye." I haven't spoken to him since. I don't know where or how he is, but he often crosses my mind and I worry. I cared so much for him and I worry that he's no longer here, and that I may have been able to prevent that if I had just handled things differently.

The last person I tried to be as real as possible with was Brooke. Again, another person I met online. I'm not afraid to say that I honestly fell in love with her. She was my best friend and we shared everything with each other. I felt comfortable enough with her to detail some of the worst parts of myself. My struggles with bipolar disorder and depression, my suicidal thoughts, my horrific bouts of self-harm. She listened with sympathy, and I had that same recurring thought that I now despise. "This might be a real thing." When I confessed my feelings for her, I was met with silence. Months later (I'm not even kidding. It was fucking months later), she acknowledged these feelings, and made sure to drill into me that she valued our friendship. But she did so in a way that made me hopeful that it might become something more. Like she was perpetually on that cusp of something more.

But later on, she made sure to tell me all about her new best friend. And how they just clicked and everything was perfect and she was so much fun and they had so much fun together. I'm not ashamed to admit that this ignited some jealous feelings in me. What did this new girl have that I didn't? Why was she dropping me in favor of someone else? Several times, she often called me by this new girl's name. And when I would get upset, she made me feel guilty. Like I was overreacting. And for a long time, I believed I was.

It wasn't until I showed some of our conversations to my two best friends, just to get their advice on what the fuck I was supposed to say to her, that they simply said, "Yeah, she's literally emotionally abusing you." I was completely blind to it. Here I was, totally in love with this girl, willing to put up with everything she said and did to me, simply because there was always this glimmer of hope that we might get together and we might be happy.

It took those two friends (Quinn and Charlie, I credit y'all for getting me out of this toxic relationship) to make me realize all the little things she did to keep me on her hook. Acknowledging my feelings but refusing to give a definitive answer about her own. Making me feel guilty about getting upset about her treatment of me. Getting mad at me for having sex with men (even though she never mentioned this when I told her about said men) and saying she was in agony hearing me talk about them. Ignoring me for days or even weeks when I called her out on the things she did that hurt me, then coming back to our conversations like nothing ever happened. Buying me gifts to "make amends" and repair the damages she caused.

Finally, I cut ties. I couldn't deal with her anymore. A year and a half later, having no contact with her, I found out that she began spreading rumors that I would threaten to hurt and/or kill myself if I felt I wasn't getting enough attention from her. Anyone who knows me knows I would never do that. And here she was, using such an intimate and secret piece of myself to paint me as this kind of person. I had let her in to some of the most painful and vulnerable parts of myself and she used it against me. I refuse to ever forgive her for that.

Remember that thing I told Duncan? About me not being in his life as long as that other girl was? Well. Three years after we had been broken up, that other girl was no longer in his life. He called me up out of the blue, and said he was sorry for everything he had done. I was still his best friend, I always had been and I always would be. So he was back in my life. And we were friends. Until we had crossed that threshold into more than friends. Whenever we would visit each other, we would end up sleeping together. It was safe, comfortable, familiar. But there was always that gnawing in the back of my brain that told me what we were doing was wrong. We weren't together, but we were acting like we were. I'd never felt so conflicted in my life, and haven't since.

Finally, I had to have the difficult discussion about our boundaries. I'll never deny that he is probably the person that knows me better than anyone. He is my best friend. But the romantic feelings? They were gone. When I told him, he said he felt relieved. And I was relieved to be able to keep him in my life while simultaneously moving on.

And so now I'm dating. After a few mediocre dates, I found a guy that I'm afraid to admit I actually really like. But those self-defense mechanisms I established in my early teen years stayed strong. Why would anyone actually be interested in me? I better put myself down before he notices these flaws himself.

And worse, those scars from my past relationships seemed to bleed all over again. Who else is he talking to? (Thanks, Duncan.) Is everything going to change overnight? (Thanks, Josh.) What deep, intimate personal detail is he going to take advantage of? (Thanks, Brooke.)

I don't want to be that person. Jealous and anxious and guarded. What's worse, I don't want to get hurt again, which means I feel I can't actually open myself up to the good things that could come from this relationship. He's so thoughtful and sweet and considerate, and yet here I am, wondering what's really going on in his head. Like I can't take anything at face value. There has to be more.

I'd like to break out of this cycle. Where my lack of self worth feeds into these distrustful and suspicious feelings that cause me to put up walls to the point that people feel the need to give up on me because I won't let them get close which directly reinforces my low self worth. I'm terrified to let him in because I'd been so badly burned in the past.

I'm not sure how to end this (extremely long) post other than to say that I'm cautiously optimistic that maybe I can let him in. That I can let him get past the barriers I built around my heart because of those that hurt me in the past. I feel like it's going to take a lot of work on my part, but I'm afraid to admit that it might actually be worth all the effort. As if I didn't learn anything from the past, or maybe I want to believe that this time will be different, but I think this could be a real thing.

[namemeagainivebeenlost]

Don’t Join a Sorority

So a year and a half ago I joined a sorority called Sigma Lambda Alpha at my university (oh yea, we’re name dropping). I was excited at first but the whole thing was a shit show. They were unorganized, power hungry, immature, gossiping little girls all vying for attention, which was ridiculous, because this is a small school and a tiny chapter of a tiny sorority. Seriously, look it up, my sorority isn’t even the one that shows up first, it’s some honorary architecture frat by the same name.

Well the semester before last semester I had a bad break down, but I kept soldiering through my sisterly duties, because I made a commitment, right? And even when I needed time to study or rest, they still asked for more and I gave it.

Well the next semester (last semester) I told them I needed a break, I told them I needed to go inactive, just for a semester, so I could get my grades up and make more friends and get my medications put to rights to prevent anymore bipolar manic meltdowns. (You ever stayed awake so long you started hearing dogs in your room, scratching at the floor next to you and breathing on the back of your next, despite your bed being 4 1/2 ft off the ground and in a dorm room with no animals? You ever seen shadows in your room, disappearing into one wall, only to float through your window and stand over you for hours? that shit is fucking scary as hell)

They said no. They said I hadn’t been in the sorority long enough to take a break, even though I had medical evidence that said I’d need to go home often to see my doctor and get therapy (medical leaves of absence are totally allowed per our by-laws). And what girl did they send to convince me to stay a fully active member (despite the fact I failed all but 2 of my classes the semester before because of my issues?) the girl who I invited INTO MY HOME (because she was an international student and couldn’t go home for Christmas and I didn’t want her to have to spend it alone) and who told I and my mother (both of us suffering with BPD) that mental illness wasn’t real, medication didn’t work, and people just aren’t self disciplined enough. (And you know what? I forgave that, there was a culture difference and I can understand that.)

But then when I tried to explain to her why I needed to go inactive, just for a single semester! She told me I needed to stay there, I obviously needed people “keeping an eye on me”, as if needing to fake it for 2 dozen practical strangers wasn’t part of the problem. Then she said I needed to stop taking my moms advice, she said my mother never went to college and so she didn’t know anything.

OK

HOLD UP

First and foremost, you shut your goddamned mouth about my mother. I can take you talking shit about me, about my dad and my sisters, but you DO NOT talk about my mother so disrespectfully.

Second, I have been through this kind of breakdown before, I know what I need to do to get past it, I know that I need my therapist and my medication and my family to support me. Her trying to tell me what I need was bullshit.

So I was forced to plead my case in front of the entire executive board and a woman I’ve never met who was on speaker phone. I barely know these girls, we run around but I don’t have an emotional connection with any of them except for one. They pressured me into detailing my spiral downward throughout the last semester, my history with this kind of illness, my, then brand new, diagnosis of bipolar disorder and subsequent cocktail of drugs to control it. By the end I was a sobbing, humiliated mess, begging them to just let me be for a few months.

They let the girl who didn’t believe in mental illness and insulted my mother walk all over them. I was required to log all my study hours (fair enough) but also only be partially inactive. I still had to participate in rush and volunteer and I was forced to go to multiple social events, when I told them I didn’t want to. Only some of this is common for inactive members, and I had more responsibilities added on which were untraditional. In the end, it would have served me better to just stay active, I’d have had less duties.

Then, as icing on top of all this, they had a secret meeting after I left about how to address my mental illness. They told all the execs and most of the other sisters to text, call or “run into me” at least once that semester. Not because they genuinely cared, but because they, and I’m almost quoting here, wanted to be sure that should I kill or harm myself, they couldn’t be held responsible.

Wow. Just wow.

So, insulted, disgusted, frustrated and feeling disrespected, I tried to bow out as gracefully as possible. My letter of resignation was concise, diplomatic and pretty short.

After that they told me they needed all my stuff with letters back, so I returned it all, even a gift from my aunt.

Then they told me I needed to return every gift my big or any other sister had given me. This included cross over (when we become members), big reveal (when we find out who our big is), and actual reveal (when we’re revealed as the newest sisters), which was all annoying but understandable. Then my big told them to ask me for any other gifts she’d given me back, birthday and Christmas gifts, along with a few souvenirs she’d brought me back from her summer trip, all of which had no sorority letters of any kind on them. I was a bit hurt but honestly I don’t care, I don’t want these gifts that bad, and I certainly don’t want those associated memories, you know?

So today I was supposed to meet with them down stairs in the dorm buildings main lobby to hand off the gifts and SURPRISE SURPRISE, no one showed up. I waited 6 minutes then went back to my room because I’m not wasting my time. (I tried texting the president multiple times before, during and after the meeting time, but she never answered, still hasn’t and it’s nearly 4:15 now)

My mom and I were discussing this hand off last week so I texted her and told her she was right about no one showing up despite our agreement, AND

MOM

She was so done with all their shit when I went back to school and they starting asking for personal medical histories and records that should be private. After that she was like “fuck em, cut em off, Hope” and she’s just gotten increasingly disgusted and infuriated by they behavior ever since.

So anyway, all that to say, I’m going to leave the crate with all the gifts in the very public lobby. If someone steals stuff out of the crate, whelp, maybe they should have showed up like they said?

Y’all, my momma don’t play games and I think it’s about time for me to take a page from her book.

[ofcarmichaels]

hi hi  ,  don’t mind me just rambling for days, weeks, months.but hi! this is my baby dylan, and he’s a sad boy so proceed with caution! 

have you seen [ DYLAN CARMICHAEL ] since the storm? some say they look like [ ALEX FITZALAN ] but they’re [ 22 ]  & go by [ THE BROKEN BIRD ].  [ HE ] lived in halloway for [ 22 YEARS ] & they are originally from [ HALLOWAY ]. before the town vanished they were studying [ CREATIVE WRITING ] and lived at [ UNI BLVD ]. most people knew the [ CISMALE ] as [ CLEVER ] but i’ve heard they can also be [ SHEEPISH ]. for some reason, they feel [ RELIEVED ] about the town’s disappearance. ( admin chey, 22, she/her, est )

so dylan has had a complicated past. he’s the son of city council member, and the carmichael library has been named after his father who sadly, had unrealistic expectations for his son. 

dylan’s mother was diagnosed from an early age with bipolar disorder and manic depression. his parents often fought, especially when his father began taking a road into politics. she wasn’t squeaky clean enough for him, and he simply couldn’t understand her illness, let alone ever support it. 

when he was eight, his parents divorced. it was a nasty battle for custody, of which his father won. however, dylan would be allowed to see his mother on weekends supervised, until she was mentally stable enough to be granted higher visiting rights. 

he never really understand much of what was happening them, only that he loved his mother and that she loved him unconditionally. but depression, it was a hard battle, that she eventually stopped fighting. 

when he was thirteen, his mother committed suicide. 

a year later, his father remarried to a woman that already had a daughter from a previous marriage. it was then when things began to slowly fall downhill for dylan. 

being constantly compared to his younger sister, who was roughly five years younger than him, began to mess with his head. how could his father love someone else’s kid, more than his own flesh and blood. 

dylan began showing early signs of depression, that would eventually lead into a downward spiral with his father, stepsister, and emotional availability. 

he lost his long term girlfriend of the time, aracely --- when things got rough, ended up cheating on him with someone else, and that the beginning to an end. 

to be honest, he blamed himself for losing her. if he could just be happy, be like everyone else, maybe he could have saved it. but he simply, didn’t have the energy to fight for her. it was his fault, in his eyes --- he should have done better. 

college starts, and his mood is only getting worse. days are spent inside more frequently than not, and nights are spent sitting at the back of a party he was forced into attending, people watching. 

for a long time he was in the poetry society, but even that seems like a moot point these days. now that the rest of the world has seemingly vanished, it means less interactions he’ll have to fake  ----  which he’s thankful for. 

however, just being the evacuation, he got into a fight with his younger sibling --- it was nasty, he even wished she would just disappear, he should have never of said it out loud.

PLOTS

ex girlfriend: @celytm

ex hook ups, either from high-school or before the vanish

someone that’s had a crush on him forever and he’s dumb and has no idea: 

ex bestfriends, people he let drift away

someone that knows him like the back of their hand:

his drug dealer, because ya’ boy smokes that dank shizz: 

people that always drag him out to all the parties :

someone that he has an undeniable connection with: 

ANYTHING REALLY THROW IT AT ME 

[sirsparklepants]

Today is my mom’s birthday. If she hadn’t died a year and a half ago, she’d be 53. I love her, and despite my childhood with her, I miss her. But I wanted to take today to deliver a perhaps... more nuanced tribute to her than I could somewhere like Facebook. I wanted to talk about a pretty difficult topic: when you still love your abusive parents.

Below the cut: child abuse, parental death

My parents separated when I was eight, after two years of increasingly toxic behavior toward each other. They both continued their separate downward spirals until about when I entered high school five years later, when they leveled out into a plateau of “mentally ill and still abusive but functional”. Coincidentally, when I hit high school (a year early at 13, I was bumped up a year before they split), I made some of the most genuine close friends of my life, a few of whom I’m still close with to this day. And that’s when I started to realize that even aside from being divorced, life with my parents... wasn’t quite normal.

I figured everyone got pissed with their parents and had screaming matches. Everyone had chores and had to look after their younger siblings. Everyone had to sit down and listen to their parents lecture them about the most tedious shit. But... something didn’t quite fit. I’d tell a story that I thought was hilarious and get met by a room full of horrified stares. My friends’ chore load wasn’t as heavy as mine. No one else got crowded into walls and told “you’re lucky I know better than to slap you” or “be careful next to those stairs, huh?” And no one else’s parents thought it was funny to give their eleven-year-old a drink or have them bartend at their parties. 

See, before high school, I didn’t have close friends I could trust. I didn’t understand how to socialize, really, until then. This was my first time seeing into the home lives of other people, and it was eye-opening. Even my parents on their best behavior clearly weirded some of my friends out a bit. Even the ones with abusive parents themselves. Probably because my parents were both alcoholics with severe bipolar disorder with psychotic features. My mom had dissociative identity disorder as well. My dad was a coke addict for several years who blew through quite literally multiple millions of dollars on either drugs or manic or drug-fuelled bad decisions in... oh, less than ten years, I think. So almost everything they did had to be extreme.

But the thing was, though, they weren’t all bad. That’s the thing that people sometimes miss in their depictions of abusive parents. You don’t just love them because they’re your parents. They’re also not abusive all the fucking time. My dad took us on fantastic island vacations and to Disney and out to eat for every birthday and to the bookstore every couple of weeks. My mom made us art and let us watch cool movies and listen to cool music and loved to let us choose clothes we liked. In retrospect, most of those choices were either financially or like, parentally irresponsible (I watched Natural Born Killers for the first time when I was thirteen), but when you’re a teen, you don’t think about shit like that. 

You think, ‘oh, my parents are the fun parents. They’re the ones who will let me stay out at night as late as I want as long as they know where I am. They’re the ones who won’t make us do homework if we have friends over after school. They’re the ones who will let us watch Rocky Horror and not tell any of the other parents, especially the religious ones. They’ll let me sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend. That’s so much better than what my friends deal with.’ And you take the rest of it - the responsibility for younger siblings, the yelling, the heavy chore list that really should belong to an adult that’s basically all the housework and cooking, the listening to your parents destroy shit and sob when they get upset, the hitting, the listening to your siblings get hit - as the price for them being the fun one. Or you think, ‘they let me do so much fun stuff, I have so much freedom, and I still fuck up. It probably really is my fault and this is a justified punishment.’

I was probably sixteen, in my junior year of high school, when I really realized that things weren’t right. I’d been living in a bubble of unreality. And that’s when the bad stuff started ramping up from my mother. I would start fights with her just to keep her attention on me, so she’d stop screaming at my younger sister over her grades. I’d get after my sister for her homework, but much more gently. I’d do all the laundry, clean the house, and cook dinner most nights. And most weekends, she’d get drunk and cry on me about her boyfriend problems, about my dad and how awful he’d been to her, about her relationship with her parents. I became the parent in that household, and it was suffocating. And it was most suffocating because I genuinely loved her. I still love her. I wanted her to do better. And I thought if I left, I’d be abandoning her and abandoning my sister.

I did leave, eventually, and it caused her to attempt suicide to get me back. When my sister left, three years later, she did the same thing. I had a very hot and cold relationship with my mother most of my adult life. With my father as well, but that was mostly papered over by pleasantries. My mom came to me and apologized for what a fuck-up she’d been during my childhood - a rambling, self-centered, guilt-trippy apology, but it was there. But even without that, I loved her and would have tried to make it work with her, because I genuinely wanted her mental health to improve and cutting her support system down wouldn’t do that. If she stepped over my clearly delineated boundaries, we didn’t talk for a set period of time. When she didn’t, we went out to lunch and talked about work and she gave me small little gifts that improved my day - bath oil in my favorite brand and scent, a tiny light with a screen over it to look like a planetarium, oil perfumes, things like that. Because she knew me. Sometimes she used that knowledge to hurt me, and sometimes she used it to care for me.

When she died, we were in a good place, relatively. I didn’t hear from her for Christmas, but I was going to see her for New Years, probably, because we never set much stock in dates. But two days after Christmas, I got a call from my sister. She’d died. She’d died two weeks ago.

I don’t think I can explain the conflicting mass of emotions that rose up in me, those first few months. I’d seen her a week before she died. She’d hugged me. But I hadn’t really talked with her, because it got up to 80 outside (yes, in December, I live in Satan’s taint) and I was making gravy on the stove without the AC and I got sick from the heat, so I laid down for most of the visit. But I said hello to her, and I did talk with her, and I hugged her goodbye. It was good. She behaved herself, didn’t drink, didn’t get too loud and self-centered. It was a good note to end our relationship on. But I can’t count how many times I expressed, to my best friend and my then-boyfriend, that I wish we had been on the outs so I’d feel less grief. That I’d feel less guilty that no one checked on her, even though she isolated herself and often went weeks without speaking to anyone. That if I was angry with her, doing the things that I needed to do would be easier. That if I was angry with her, I wouldn’t feel so badly about still having so much lingering anger about my childhood. That no one would expect me to come up with a beautiful eulogy at her funeral. That her friends wouldn’t be so angry with me for not checking on her.

It’ll be two years in December, and I’m still not done processing everything. I’m still conflicted. But two facts do stand out to me. She was abusive. I did still love her.

Happy birthday, Mom. I love you, and I see you, the whole person. You were doing better, but that didn’t make up for your fuckups. But neither did your fuckups take away from the good you did. You believed that things continue, so here it is, my tribute: I believe you are keeping on, somewhere. I believe that you’re beyond the concerns and hurts that dragged you down. I believe that’s what’s left of you is love. Love and dragonflies and the light of the moon and the sun.

Love, your kid.

[dcntletmebegone]

NAME: Beau Montague NICKNAMES: Romeo, beaubeau,  ALIASES: None DATE OF BIRTH: August 25th 1992 PLACE OF BIRTH: Ft. Benniing, Georgia CURRENT RESIDENCE: fresno, california

PHYSICAL DETAILS

ETHNICITY: White HAIR COLOR:  Changes often EYE COLOR: blue HEIGHT: 5'11’’ WEIGHT: Fit BIRTHMARKS: a patch of uneven skin on his right  hand SCARS: One under his chin and one at his eyebrow. Several, Several self harm scars in various locations including wrists, arms, legs and stomach

RELATIONSHIP INFORMATION

SEXUAL ORIENTATION:Straight (Bisexual) RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single in most verses PAST RELATIONSHIP(S): Imogen Morina, Emily Tanner, Antoinette Barden

personality

TRAITS: Kindhearted yet slightly manipulative later in life. Intelligent, a bit neurotic. DISORDERS: Bipolar Depressive with Psychosis ADDICTIONS: None

family

MOTHER: Annabelle Montague FATHER: Jason Montague SISTER(S): Isabella Montague [deceased] BEST FRIEND: Landon Hendrix[deceased] and Antoinette Barden.

ORIGINS/HISTORY

Beau was a nobody for as long as he could remember. He had his best friend Landon by his side and that was all that he could truly ask for. The two got into trouble here and there but generally stayed off the radar. The male came from a rather stable home - having happily married parents and a younger sister with a rather large age gap between the two. Things were wonderful for years until Beau reached the age of sixteen. Around this age is when Beau and Landon went to a party and met a girl named Antoinette Barden. Both boys pined over the girl and watched as she slowly tore them apart. Their friendship slowly pulled away from eachother as Landon began to date Antoinette and enter into a rather unhealthy relationship - leaving Beau to watch from the sidelines and pine over a girl he could never have.

At seventeen, his young sister grew very ill - a tumor growing in her brain at a rapid pace. His life began to revolve around hospital trips and looking after the younger sibling. It was at eighteen, a year later, that she finally passed away. With no one else to turn to, Beau sought out his best friend and reconciled with him. Antoinette, Landon and Beau became good friends at this point and Beau found himself dating his childhood ex, Emily, despite warnings against it made by Landon. Antoinette and Landon eventually broke up, as Landon grew bored with her and found himself a new interest - Imogen; a girl who had a crush on Beau growing up. It wasn’t long into dating Emily again that Beau realized why he had broken up with the girl in the first place. One day after returning home from vacation, Beau went over to her home in order to surprise her and caught her cheating on him.

Fast forward down a year or two down the road and Beau is back into his original position of wanting to be with Antoinette and struggling between chasing after her and remaining loyal to the ‘bro code’ set between he and Landon. As Antoinette and Beau became closer, Landon and Beau pulled apart - leaving Landon to his own devices. Unbeknownst to Beau, his friend was going through a rough time. It wasn’t until he received a call one night from a rather drunk Landon, did he realize that something was very wrong. The Landon that he had known his whole life was no longer present and instead replaced with a man who’d had far too much to drink and darker thoughts than one could imagine. After an hour of trying to calm his friend down, Beau was hung up on. It took him a minute to register what had been going on before it clicked. Landon was going to kill himself.

By the time Beau had called the cops, it was much too late. The paramedics hadn’t made it in time and Landon was lost forever.

PRESENT DAY

It took Landon’s family some time to put together a funeral for him and Beau helped with each step. The day of the funeral, something angered the male during the wake and Beau took off. With tears in his eyes, the male drove as fast as he could and eventually crashed his car into a telephone pole two miles from his best friends home. The severity of the crash not only totaled Beau’s car but also put Beau into a coma for roughly six months. By the time he woke, something had changed in him. No longer was the sweet boy himself but instead took on the personality of his best friend, Landon.

Beau began to party more often, started smoking weed and in return became quite popular in his school and among the ladies. He cared less about following the rules and instead chose to break as many of them as possible. While this may not seem too out of the ordinary when one loses a friend - Beau also struggled mentally with what is known as Bipolar Depressive with Psychosis. He now hallucinates about Landon quite often as if he were really there, talking to him and lending him advice on how to handle situations given to him. Where there’s one hallucination - there is another one twice as harmful to his mind. Beau struggles daily with his inner demons and refuses to let go of the memory of Landon - despite the fact that he’s going through a downward spiral each time he latches onto his memory.

[crotchety-old-blogger]

Which South Park Character Are You?

I have watched enough South Park to know which character I most identify with. And I think it's 90% Butters, and 10% Tweek. That's right—two characters, and here's why.

The reason for why I identify with Tweek is because of my mania and anxiety due to my bipolar disorder. Of course, coffee does not help. I find myself telling close friends things such as, "Oh, sweet Jeezus! I can't take this pressure!" usually when someone invites us to dinner, but there's no determined time. Or if I have to wait for a plumber sometime between 8am and God knows when. Then the anxiety spirals downward, and the pressure builds, and I start tweekin.

The most I identify with is Butters. No doubt, a lot of us do.

His parents are always blaming him for everything, even though Butters is 99.9% innocent in the incidents he finds himself in. His parents are abusive, not just to him, but to each other. Also, there's that one episode that was dedicated to Butters; we discover his old man has a secret life, and his mother is not a shining example of of a good parent either. At one point she attempted to drown her only son.

Butters constantly falls prey to bullies which causes us to empathize with him. This is not solely unique to me, a lot of children and teenagers in school are bullied. Going to social gathering was always unsettling for me because of having the fear of being made fun of for having a lisp.

Butters is sweet, polite, innocent, very naive, and rarely cusses. But when he has been pushed too far, he turns into Professor Chaos, his evil alter ego.

Though Professor Chaos strongly wants to live up to his name, the child Butters fails to execute his own schemes, reminding us and him that he is merely a child.

Reality came crashing ton like a ton of bricks when the boys played a bit too rough while playing ninjas, and a hira shuriken is chucked in Butters' eye.

In a group of friends doing an activity, someone always gets hurt, and that person is usually was me. Especially when I do this moronic thing called "thinking", and I attempt to help, repair or comfort. Somehow, it always backfires much like it does Butters. Like the sayings goes, "No good deed goes unpunished," and "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."

Butters' snazzy attire is similar to mine when I get gussied up, complete with a collared shirt, suspenders and a bowtie.

Like Butters I have the ardent desire—as many others do in real life—to fit in with a crowd, but never really finding a place.

Butters is always optimistic, thinking on the bright side even when the odds are against him—this is where Butters and I differ.

I cannot pull myself out of the darkness like Butters. Granted he is a fictional character, but there are people similar to Butters' with their optimistic personality.

When asked by the Goth children to go to the cemetery and write dark poems about how pointless life is, Butters response is logical and heartwarming:

"No thanks. I love life. Yeah, I'm sad. But at the same time I'm really happy that something can make me feel that sad. It makes me feel alive, y'know? It makes me feel human. The only way I can feel this sad now, is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness."

Butters is the shining beacon of hope and joy in South Park. He reminds us of what we were like as a child, or perhaps even now as an adult.

It was kind for you to spend some time with me and my article. Have a good rest of your day.

More memes and commentary will be arriving.

Which South Park character are you? Write me in telling who and why.

[aria-i-adagio]

General Apprentice Info Post

Name:  Dema Zakharova

Star Sign:  Virgo

Favorite food:  Tart cherry anything.

Favorite drink:  Whiskey

Alignment: Chaotic good.

Dema’s general attitude is extremely cynical.  She’s likely to made bad decisions simply on account of being bored and needing something to keep herself entertained.  She tries not to think too much about the memories that she is missing, as it usually leads into a downward spiral of questioning the nature of her existence.  Sarcasm is her psychological defense mechanism of choice.  Her filter is, shall we say, not the best, but she manages to keep the lid on the absolute worst of her internal monologue.  She doesn’t tend to respect authority figures unless they’ve actually earned it.  Typically, she does what she thinks is the right thing without thinking too much about the possible consequences of acting on impulse.  (e.g. There was really no question about accepting the Devil’s offer, especially when Faust was on the hook.)  Her hobbies are her chickens (I like to think Muriel gave her the starter chicks.) and gardening.  

I write her in poly relationship with both Asra and Julian.  I haven’t given her a familiar, but if she had one, it’d probably be a raccoon, because they’re shifty little bastards, but dmned if they don’t look cute.

Dema studied philosophy and magic at University.  She was asked to take a leave of absence after attempting suicide.  Her parents sent her to live with her great aunt (Anna) in Vesuvia.  Dema interpreted it as a rejection on their part.  

Anna was able to provide some symptomatic support to ameliorate the effects of bipolar disorder as well as an environment of unconditional acceptance.  None of that was a cure, and Dema continued to experience distinction periods of elevation and depression.  Dema chose not to go back to University and joined her aunt as a formal apprentice.

Asra was already a protegee of Anna's, but not quite an apprentice.  He did odd jobs around the shop and learned some magic from her.  She allowed him to set up to tell fortunes outside and often fed him and let him sleep in the shop when he was in Vesuvia.  Dema and Asra became friends, then friends with benefits, then lovers within the first two to three years that Dema was in Vesuvia.  They were never exclusive, but they had an unspoken understanding that they were each other's primary partner from about two years before the plague.  Asra gave Dema a simple ring that he had spelled to let him know if she was in trouble while she was away.  She didn't remove it until she was taken to the Lazaret.

Julian asked Dema to help him treat plague victims when he realized that she had kept Anna alive longer than any of his treatments would and that she was able to provide better palliative care.  He phrased it in terms of virtue ethics - i.e. what kind of person do you want to be? - and taking Anna as a model Dema decided that she wanted to be the kind of person who started to help - not the kind who left.

Asra tried to convince her, maybe even make her leave, arguing that she wasn't in a rational enough state of mind to decide for herself.  She accused him off being self centered, conceited, and afraid.  

She volunteered to work with Julian shortly there after.  Since she and Asra had never been exclusive, she didn't find starting a casual relationship with Julian distressing; however, she was surprised and (slightly, more because if the way she and Asra had parted) distressed when she started to really fall for him.  But she really had fallen in love by the time that the Count and Countess “invited” the doctors in the city to study at the palace.