#with job stress mostly

[thistle-and-thorn]

that moment when you realize that you're due for a massive depressive episode because you've had them every other autumn since you turned seventeen

[hongluboobs]

Hey girl you must be an angel. because a

[solargeist]

despite my previous post, I don’t know how to handle when people talk abt things I don’t know or understand bc I focus too hard on my own reactions so I don’t accidentally offend them bc there’s only so many times you can say “oh really?” before you sound sarcastic ‼️💥

[sneez]

the other day i was looking through the drawings on my old laptop and found this self-portrait art challenge thing i did at some point several years ago, so i thought it would be interesting to update it with my current self for old times' sake :-) i don't know why i felt the need to be so mean to myself in all the descriptions but i have tried to be at least slightly nicer this time around. sorry past me [id under cut]

[id: a series of four full-body digital drawings of a pale-skinned person at different ages. the first three depict me in 2007, 2013, and 2017 under the heading 'George'; the fourth, in a different art style, depicts me in 2023 under the heading 'Ned (I changed my name)'.

the first drawing shows a young child with long hair wearing a fluffy pink jumper, a pink skirt, and pink shoes. bullet points above read:

annoying

copies other people constantly

draws cute animals

arrogant

cries when told off

maybe 1 friend

the second drawing shows a young teenager wearing a hoodie and trainers and looking uncomfortable. bullet points above read:

anxious

listens to Simon and Garfunkel exclusively

bad under pressure

anime

writes bad fanfiction

draws bad fanart

the third drawing shows a smiling teenager wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and brown boots. bullet points above read:

what the HELL is a Self Esteem

really into 60s music

cries a lot

0 fashion sense

usually dissociating

thinkin about trees

the fourth drawing shows a young man with messy brown hair, a striped brown shirt, a beige woollen tank top, and burgundy plaid trousers; he is leaning on a wood-textured folding cane and holding the strap of a brown leather satchel with his other hand. bullet points above read:

still no self-esteem but medicated now

significantly worse handwriting (wrist knackered)

I haven't changed much to be honest

RBF so severe I get followed around by the security guards at the supermarket

autism

end id.]

[forcebookish]

i need a new strategy for like, cleaning my room and doing yoga and reading and leaving the house. the adhd has reached mythic levels of bad. i have the thought, "i should do X," and then i won't move. i make a to-do list and i won't do anything on it. i queue up a yoga practice and i won't do it. i stare at my room and get stressed out about how cluttered it is. i write 3000 words of notes for a fic i don't even know if i'm going to write. i think and i think and i think about my OCs and they won't let me write them. i spend hours looking at stuff i can't buy. i take like an hour to write this.

[deus-ex-mona]

i miss her…

[natasha-in-space]

Oooh you've probably talked about this before but what are your biggest grievances with V's after ending? 👀

(also hey hi howdy it's been a while since we chatted! I hope you're well!!)

Faye!! So lovely to see you in my inbox <3 This will be rather rambly because I'm feeling super sleepy and tired today, but I hope I'll make my point clear!

Honestly, I could go for the whole theme of forgiveness/judgement, and how V's ae butchers it with its rather linear structure, but... Thing is, I think everyone in the fandom agrees that it was very stupid and honestly gross of Cheritz to basically push the narrative of 'forgiveness is the one right path' on players. This topic has been talked about by many people in many different ways. I don't need to go over it again.

But I think nothing truly encapsulates all the flaws of V's after ending as perfectly as the judgement ending. I do understand why not nearly as many people discuss it. Out of everything Cheritz have put out for Mystic Messenger, it's pretty agreed upon that this was their worst addition yet. You can have your very valid grievances with Jumun's bad ending dlc, but it has brought out some additional depths to his character, AND it hasn't lost what the ending was about in the first place. Having reread it myself somewhat recently, the dlc doesn't shy away from displaying your dynamic with Jumin and its toxicity rather clearly. Is it perfect? God no. I think we all can agree on that.

!SA mention below cut!

But is it miles better than the judgement ending in V's ae? Oh absolutely.

There are so many things to dissect with all that is wrong with it. But I think the two main points I hate the most about it is:

a) the treatment of Rika's SA trauma (all of her trauma, honestly, but SA especially)

b) the blatant borderline 4th wall breaking shaming of the player's choices

The first point baffles and infuriates me the most, especially so when you compare the writing of the same event in the judgement ending to how it is described in Rika's behind story. Honestly, I would have loved to get some behind the scenes information on the development period between these two dlc. It certainly wouldn't surprise me if two different teams handled V's ae and Rika's behind story, with only some basic communication happening between them. Again, is Rika's behind story perfect in the way it handles its sensitive themes? Not by any means. But you don't see people getting upset and angry over the portrayal of Rika's trauma there, do you?

Rika's behind story is a very... specific story. It's not for everyone. I can tell that with 100% confidence. But the way it handles religious trauma, longterm effects of abuse and even SA - resonates with people who went through the same horrific experiences themselves. And I think that counts for something. The depiction and exploration of Rika's religious trauma (and all that it entails, including her SA by the Pastor) brings the same feelings of catharsis that Saeran's exploration of child abuse does. For me, it was Saeran, because his experiences are so painfully similar to what I went through growing up. But for a close friend of mine, it's Rika, as they grew up in a painfully similar environment to the one depicted in her Behind Story.

It's cathartic to see that you are not alone in your pain and trauma. That's why depictions of it are important. Shying away from the uncomfortable and grotesque can bring more harm than good, in my opinion.

Anyway, that long rant aside, take that depiction of Rika's trauma, INCLUDING her SA, and now make a mockery of it. That's what the judgement ending does. It makes a mockery of the same themes that Rika's behind story spends its entire runtime exploring, and it's baffling to see. Furthermore, it makes a mockery of her trauma to directly shame the player. As if it wasn't disgusting enough as it is.

'This is what you wanted, right? You wanted Rika to suffer, right? Shouldn't that make you happy? You chose this.' - is it any wonder people were left feeling angry, judged and shamed?

It's... so insensitive and morally disgusting, and I hate it with every fiber of my being. It may not appear as gross to you if you haven't played Rika's behind story, but if you did, them using Rika's sexual trauma as a way to shame the player is utterly insane to see.

But I think what's the most frustrating thing of all is that V's ae could have been amazing. V's ae is the only time we get to explore Saeyoung's grief and his codependency on his brother. But in the judgement ending, they use Saeyoung as a narrator to describe Rika's 'punishment'. They had a great character arc, and then butcher it like many other great potential story beats in this ae. V's ae does nothing with Jumin's grief, too. It eludes to it, but it does nothing with it. They don't show us V's reconciliation with Saeran. Sure, the one scene we got is nice, but I think it would be silly to say that it holds up to a potential story arc we could have gotten instead of some other ones we did end up getting.

They mess up Yoosung's and Zen's characterizations. Yes, I said it. I get why they did that, but it doesn't make it any more believable. With such a high emphasis on forgiveness vs judgement, they needed to have the theme laid out clearly to the player. Yoosung and Zen are two opposing sides in the ae. Yoosung with his anger and desire for justice, and Zen with his desire to just find peace and let go of all negative feelings that come with Rika. Thing is... with what we have of these two characters before that point, it should be the other way around. Yoosung is the more sympathetic, forgiving one. Zen is the righteous, hot-headed one. We see that time and time again, in many other routes.

But it wouldn't make sense for Zen to be all angry and hurt over Rika now, would it? They weren't that close. And they can't use Saeyoung for that, because Saeyoung already has a completely separate character arc to that. Jumin is too rational, he wouldn't be all extreme with his anger like they need. Jaehee wasn't close to Rika at all, nor is she very emotional. V is out of the picture. Vanderwoid is a complete stranger.

They basically wrote themselves into a corner with this.

So? They switch Zen and Yoosung places. Now Yoosung is the one demanding for justice, while Zen is willing to learn why Rika is the way she is.

And the funny thing is? This wouldn't be such a blatant issue if they set this up beforehand. But they didn't. There is no indication of Yoosung being angry with Rika in the route itself. And even in the good ending vn? He's heartbroken. Not angry.

Is it possible for us, as fans, to fill in the dots with our own ideas? Of course. But that doesn't make the canon any more cohesive, unfortunately.

In my opinion, V's ae shouldn't have been about 'forgiveness' in the first place. It should have been about grief, and exploration of it in all the different ways it can present itself. It should have been an emotionally taxing, but uplifting story about overcoming your grief and moving forward. And how it can look different for everyone.

Wouldn't that be a wonderful conclusion to V's route? A route that is, in its essence, is a story about self-love and acceptance?

But ultimately, V's ae is remembered as the infuriating experience that forces you to forgive Rika, a character that not many people liked in the first place. V's ae made the response to Rika's behind story utterly biased. And I don't blame anyone for feeling this way.

It's ironic, really. That by trying to humanize and explore Rika in a more meaningful way, they ultimately made even more people hate her. After V's ae release came the peak of Rika hate. It was miserable to be in the fandom. People would get harassed, bullied and belittled for liking her, or even tolerating her. The anger at Cheritz was directed at the fans. And I still hate remembering that period in our fandom.

Looking back on it all, I can't help but feel so utterly disappointed. V's ae could have been good. But, instead we have what we have. And I will still focus on the things in it that I do like.

This turned out way longer than I intended, but as you see, I have lots of feelings haha

On the more brighter note, how have you been Faye? I hope the Summer weather is not too hot wherever you are! And if it is, remember to stay hydrated and put on sunscreen! Summer heat is one nasty ordeal to deal with

[sailing-ever-west]

wci doodles

[skidar]

Going to claw my own face off. The stupid unemployment office has been dragging me along for nearly 2 months. They do not respond to my many emails, they do not answer calls, leaving me on a phone tree with two irrelevant options to choose from and no human to talk to.

They're now trying to tell me I don't qualify for my weekly benefits (of which I still have not received ANYTHING since Feb 8th) from the last 2 weeks due to my freelance work. Which is shaky stability at best. I'm so stressed out.

UE services are a whopping joke. they can't even give me a guarantee that I'll be paid benefits for the weeks I could NOT claim because of THEIR site error. LET ALONE if I'll get paid at all.

My last two classes were good, luckily, but its all gone to rent. I still have supplies to restock -.-

I thought I could count on my unemployment benefits to at least lift the strain on living expenses but now I may get nothing at all cause I had a good commission week here or there. And yes I am TRYING to make art fulltime (mostly cause I CANNOT get any call backs for even shit tier jobs) but its hard with reach being what is is now. Just feel like the rug has been pulled from under me.

I'm trying to be a successful freelancer, I'm trying to run a good painting business but I am one person and losing steam with every new hurdle.

[timefadesaway]

stressed as hell about something happening at work on monday brought my paperwork home to like. well just make sure i know it all and accidentally got day drunk and also instigated a tummy event with my lunch choices. i suffered more than christ even if it is my fault

[isa-ah]

been following you since PRE bubblegum karkat days and it’s been really nice watching you grow and heal and whenever i see you on my dash and think of your growth it reminds me of my own healing journey. i find that really nice

HAHA that was AGES ago dude. my god. i cant believe youre still around, that was like, the worst of it LOLOL weve both probably come a looong way since then, yeah. life used to be abysmal but now ive got my hubby and mother in law and were moving to nola next month so theres nothing to fear =')

[stardustedknuckles]

It's been so long since I've had to exist within a group of people consistently over many days and damn, I nearly forgot I was autistic. I found out yesterday that though I get along with almost everyone at work, most of my coworkers thought I was a huge bitch who hated everyone for a little bit (and one still does, which is how this whole thing came up at all). I was bewildered like. No I'm very often dizzy or in a bit of pain and I'm very focused on taking care of the dogs but I'm not - I don't dislike any of you? I've never been mad at you, you guys thought I was mad?? Just an alarming disconnect between the way I see myself and the way I come off to others. I have never once gotten the hang of behaving like a regular person, but it appears that time has taken me from "generally silly person with an offbeat sense of humor who doesn't take things seriously" to "stoic hardass who doesn't like you and thinks you're stupid also." I did not authorize this change. It's throwing me for a loop. I feel like I'm 6 again being told to stop talking over people's heads because I just learned a new big word and I wanted to use and share it. I like assholes with a heart of gold in media. I don't want to be one??

[mossflower]

okay not dropping out 👍

[nighthawkes]

.

[ravenwolfie97]

my tummy hurts... and i don't wanna be brave about it anymore... ;;

[loumauve]

I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.

(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)