#with a minimum qualification for something they’re not cut out to do

[kittoforos]

a lot of Posts floating around now about chatgpt in college, lxds. some things people are saying are true of course, but I work in at a large public university in the usa and I will set aside my cool laissez faire tech accelerationist cynicism to be totally honest for a moment:

the argument that ‘essay writing is a super specific skill that doesn’t matter in professional life so you should disregard those courses and just cheat to get the degree’ is very concerning to me, even as someone who doesn’t give a fuck about cheating per se, bc we don’t teach ‘essay writing’ in reading comprehension courses. or at least decent instructors don’t. I don’t. all that stuff about it being a cultural code is like, true above basic courses (so like, in grad school and even advanced undergrad courses yes it’s about *how* you write with all the attendant bullshit) but in that kind of remedial textual reasoning class in undergrad that’s required to get the basic ba degree, *nobody* writes in the prestige cultural style. the task in question is to be able to parse text and understand and construct logical arguments, and to be able to tell when an argument has something wrong with it, and to explain this clearly to other people. which you will need all the time forever in this hashtag society no matter what your job is, so you can tell when institutions are taking you for a ride. so like. …. :/

[kristenbrady]

Always Hiring! 7 Work-From-Home Companies You Need to Check Out.

I researched seven work-from-home companies almost constantly hiring, and many of these positions are easy to get into, so they don’t require a college degree or previous experience. By the way, if you appreciate me writing these types of articles, let me know by signing up for my stories here.

Eagle Tele-services

Let’s jump into it right now with number one on the list, which is Eagle Tele-services. This is a full-service customer response center that provides the commercial trucking industry emergency roadside service, as well as tire replacement 24/7. With this company, you can become what’s known as a Roadside Support System Specialist. This position makes about $47,000 a year. It doesn’t require a college degree or any previous experience.

This company also has excellent benefits, including monthly performance bonuses for full-time employees, abundant overtime availability, 85% paid health insurance, dental insurance, vision insurance, and a 401k. Now, in terms of the job qualifications, you must be able to type at a minimum of 40 words per minute consistently, you must possess superior verbal and written communication skills, and one to two years of customer service experience is preferred but not required, you have to have a problem-solving mentality, superior reading skills, and meticulous attention to detail.

Candidates must, of course, be fluent in English, and you have to have a self-managing work ethic. And in terms of your responsibilities, it’s pretty straightforward. People will call you if they break down, run out of gas, have a flat tire, etc.

You’re going to give them roadside assistance. So overall, this is a perfect opportunity for someone who wants to get their foot in the door working from home. It’s probably not something you want to do for the rest of your life, but it can be a good experience for a few years.

Actalent

The next one on the list is going to be Actalent. They offer jobs in the U.S. and Canada, and this company specializes in hiring, recruiting, and managing technology, engineering, and science-related talent. When they were founded, they focused on aerospace engineering-related talent, but since then, they’ve expanded.

They have over 3,000 employees, and they’re well respected within the industry. They also offer excellent benefits, and they hire for many different engineering, science, and corporate-related jobs. To give a few examples, at an entry-level, they employ Pharmacy Technicians who make $18 to $18.50 per hour, and they hire Distribution Engineers who make $25 per hour. Most of the positions they hire for are remote or work-from-home.

Calent hires in 16 different countries, they have a 9.7 out of 10 customer satisfaction rating, and they’re enjoying a 300% year-over-year growth. This is an up-and-coming company. They also have a ton of awards from companies like AWS. Essentially, they provide cloud-native services to various technology-enabled companies. This ranges from startups to enterprises, and they specialize in delivering cloud-based, cutting-edge technology solutions. Anything related to data or the cloud is valuable right now, so I’m not surprised to see them growing so fast.

Related Reading: Check Out These 9 In-Demand Remote Jobs For 2024

They also have outstanding ratings from their employees, which is exceptional! About 97% of their employees approve of the CEO, and they have a 4.3 out of five-star rating on Glassdoor. They hire for a multitude of different jobs. I’ll mention a few: marketing, customer service, sales, finance, and engineering-related roles.

For example, Content Marketing and Graphic Specialists make about $55,000 to $65,000 yearly, Customer Solution Architects make about $60,000 to $185,000 annually, and Inside Sales Representatives make $75,000 to $80,000 yearly. This is a super hot, super fast, growing company, and there are lots of opportunities with them. It doesn’t require too much experience, or any experience at all in some cases, to get into entry-level roles. One to look into!

Conduet

The next one on the list will be Conduet; and they hire in 21 different countries. This company was formed very recently in 2017. They’re based in New Jersey. They’re an American business service provider company, and they offer digital platform services to companies, as well as governments.

They typically work with commercial, government, and transportation-related businesses. On top of the digital platform solutions, they offer what’s known as BPO or business process outsourcing. A lot of the time, they’re going to be hiring for business operations roles, claims and administration roles, government-related roles, customer experience roles, transportation-related roles, and human capital-related roles.

There are lots of different opportunities with this company, from the entry-level to higher-level roles. They have over 60,000 employees across 24 other countries. One example of a position they hire for is Technical Customer Service Advisor, and the starting pay is $17.31 an hour, and this is a basic, entry-level role. Again, it’s probably not something you want to do for the rest of your career, but it’s great to get your foot in the door and get that first remote job.

Next, let’s talk about Maven Clinic. This exciting company was founded in 2014, and essentially, what they do is offer full-service critical support care across fertility, pregnancy, adoption, parenting, and pediatric-related positions. They offer a Dedicated Care Advocate for every single patient of that company. For instance, let’s say someone is pregnant and they’re having some issue. They might message that Dedicated Care Advocate to figure out if there’s anything wrong, if they need to go into the hospital, etc.

They hire for a bunch of different remote roles, such as Care Support Advocate, Engineering, Employer Sales, as well as Product Design. To give some examples of how much they pay, Care Support makes about $20 to $22 per hour, and some higher-level positions make much more than that. It’s a fantastic company with many benefits and opportunities, and they are also growing very fast. They have a good reputation online among their current and former employees. One to look into!

Call Experts

Next on the list is going to be Call Experts. This one hires people in the U.S. They essentially hire people for customer service-related positions. Customer Service Representatives typically make about $35,000 to $40,000 a year. It is an entry-level job, very easy to get into, and doesn’t require experience or a college degree.

It’s probably not something you want to do for the rest of your life, but it can be a good one to get your foot in the door and get some experience. This is a good one, especially if you’re trying to get a job quickly. They’re only hiring in the U.S., and they’re only hiring in certain states right now, so definitely look into it to make sure that they are hiring where you live.

One Notary

The final one on the list is One Notary. This is essentially a remote notary signing service. If you’re ever doing some legal document, a lot of the time, you will have to go to a notary. They will be the ones who ensure that both parties are not under duress and that both parties agree to sign the document.

One Notary is a way of doing this remotely, and it’s relatively easy to become a notary signing agent. I saw a cool story on CNBC discussing a 25-year-old named Angelina Nguyen, who makes $150 in 5 minutes. She makes $200 an hour and works less than 6 hours per week, and she did it all without a Bachelor’s Degree, and she did it by starting her own notary business.

Kristen is a contributor on Medium. Sign up here to catch every story when she publishes.

Grab my audiobook on Audible: How to Productize Your Services: How to Make Money While You’re Sleeping or on paperback through Amazon here .

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Originally posted on Medium

[ajax-b1ue]

So I donated plasma for the first time yesterday? I’d love it if I could say I’m in a place in my life where I’ve got the time, energy, and financial stability that this is just out of a sense of altruism, but admittedly I also need the money. That said, it occurred to me that it might not be a terrible idea to talk about the process and what all was involved in case that’s something that anyone else was considering. I donated at a CSL plasma center; I imagine some details are a little different with other companies, but probably most of it still applies. Anyhow, rest is under the cut, long post ahoy~

For the curious, plasma donation is different from whole blood donation in multiple ways. For starters, yes, you can get paid for it. Also, you can donate plasma much more frequently than whole blood— plasma is the liquid part of your blood, which your body can replenish within a few days. In contrast, red blood cells take a couple of months. In plasmapharesis, the machine does draw blood, but it then centrifuges/filters out the cellular components, and returns the blood cells to you. The other nice thing is that it only ever draws off about 8 oz (1 cup) of blood at a time before it returns the whole components to you— which means, if you’re like me, and prone to passing out when donating blood (which is the reason I don’t donate whole blood anymore), plasma donation was a lot easier and didn’t make me feel woozy.

So, first thing I did was check out the company’s website and download their app. From what I gather, regardless of what company you’re looking at, they’re only going to accept donors within their ‘collection area’ (I believe to keep people from attempting to register with more than one program/center), so first thing to check is where the closest donation center is for you. I live in a city, so that was fairly easy for me; if you live further away from a center, you may need to call/email to double check that your address falls within their area.

I will say that the websites/CSL app were actually pretty helpful with information on qualifications, or more specifically, what would disqualify a donor. The major standout ones are age, weight, recent tattoos/piercings, and for anyone AMAB who has sex with other AMAB people. Unfortunately that last one I think is a holdover from the AIDS pandemic, and plain old institutionalized homophobia. :\ Tattoos and piercings have to be older than 4 months, and you have to be 18 years old. (Minors weren’t actually allowed in the building at the center I was at.)

As for weight, you have to be minimum 110 pounds; this one is a legal requirement, so it’s going to be the same no matter what company you’re looking at. What’s not as clearly laid out is that if you’re lower-weight, they can’t take quite as much plasma from you, which also means your compensation is lower. For my center (and, it does vary by region, even within the same company), people from 110-149 lbs receive $90 for the first three donations, $40 for the 4th-6th donations, and $90 for the 7th and 8th. So, up to $570 for the first month. By contrast, anyone 150+ lbs receives $100, $50, and $100 (or $650 total) on the same schedule. (This is the payment structure for the first 45 days only, if you donate 8 times within that timeframe; I suspect the payment amount is reduced after that.) 

Which brings me to donation schedule— it’s totally voluntary, and there is no minimum schedule or commitment. Obviously they want people to donate as frequently as they’re safely able to, and to become regular donors instead of donating just once or twice, but there’s absolutely no reason you can’t do exactly that. You can only donate 2 times within any 7 day period, and you can’t donate on successive days. (So, my first donation was on a Thursday; I can’t donate again until Saturday, and if I do, I won’t be able to donate a third time until next Thursday.) Again, this is a legal requirement, and why you're not allowed to double dip by donating to multiple programs— this one is a safety thing, for the donor.

Another safety thing is making sure you 1) are very hydrated and 2) ate a solid meal beforehand. You’ll also want to have gotten a good night’s sleep, and not had anything caffeinated within the last few hours. And, when I say hydrated, they want you to drink an extra 4-8 cups of water within the 2-3 hours before you donate. I managed 4 before I started to feel like I would make myself sick if I drank more, but took a water bottle with me. Side note, don’t chug water, you need to space it out so your body can actually absorb as much of it as possible, but you do really want to have that extra water on board, because they are going to be removing a decent amount of fluid from you.

Okay! About the process of becoming a new donor and the actual plasmapharesis:

Show up at the center (no appointment required at CSL).

Bring your driver’s license and social security card. Or, do like me and make it to the center, realize you forgot your SSC, and drive all the way back home to get it. :’)

Get into the new donor line; tell the person at the counter you'd like to donate, provide IDs. Get instructed to go to a private booth for purposes of verbally confirming that you are literate, and what spoken, written or sign language(s) you communicate in.

Get given a packet to read/video to watch that contains a boat load of info about the process, qualifications, etc. (I had the option to watch the video on my phone by scanning a QR code.) Sign forms indicating that I’ve been provided this info and understand it, and consent forms.

Move to new donor waiting area. Sit and wait.

Continue waiting.

Wish you had realized how long the wait would be, because those 4-8 cups of water are catching up with you and now you really need to pee. (Keep an eye on the people who arrived before you; if there are still people who were there earlier, you’ve probably got plenty of time to run use the bathroom. But that’s part of the reason why it’s good to bring a water bottle, so you can stay hydrated while you wait.)

Finally get called back to a private booth to start being processed.

Go over a lot of the same information that you reviewed at the beginning. This will not be the last time. They are very insistent that you know and understand all of this.

Fill out a 64 point questionnaire confirming your eligibility. (A couple of these are literally quiz questions, where basically you are confirming that you know and understand the info.) Get your picture and digital fingerprint taken.

Once overall eligibility is confirmed, receive a donor number and donor Visa card; this is where compensation will be directly deposited after each completed donation.

Move on to “day-of” screening— things that will not disqualify you from donating, but can cause you to be deferred to come back another day (or week, or month, depending on what it is). This includes weight check, temperature, blood pressure, and a finger-stick (using a spring-loaded autolancet and a pipette, the tech will get a few drops of blood from your finger; it pinches/stings, but it’s not terrible) to check hematocrit and protein levels. If you’re underhydrated, this is where it will show and you can get deferred for the day. Also like... if you have a fever or are visibly sick, which... yeah, please don’t try to donate body fluids if you’re sick.

Also get checked for cuts/scrapes, plus needle injection sites, new tattoos and piercings. (I was asked to remove my jacket and show the tops and undersides of my arms, including lifting my arms up. Might have shaved if I’d realized that but oh well. :’D ) Cuts or scrapes won’t disqualify you, so long as they’re scabbed over and not inflamed. New tattoos, touch ups, or piercings will get you deferred (4 months from the date that you got them).

Get asked how many previous tattoos and piercings you have and where. See the tech’s palpable relief when you don’t have sleeves. Relief becomes understandable when you realize that she has to record and describe every tattoo and piercing you have.

Once day-of eligibility is confirmed, get sent to Medical waiting area.

Start getting hungry, because you’ve been here for a couple of hours by now. Open up a pack of fruit snacks, because if this is anything like waiting for the initial screening—

Get called back to an exam room almost immediately.

Debate stuffing entire handful of fruit snacks into your mouth at once or searching for a ziploc baggy in your bag to put them into.

Begrudgingly decide to be an adult.

Physical exam with the medical staff. Very routine— things like listening to your breathing and heart with a stethoscope, checking whether or not being struck in the tendon below your knee will make you accidentally kick the doctor, shining a light in your eyes to make sure your pupils dilate, and checking inside mouth with a tongue depressor.

Sheepishly explain that you were eating fruit snacks right before you came in here when the doctor wonders why your tongue is unusually red.

Also get asked to lay down on the exam table so they can palpate your liver and spleen. Also also get arms checked for cuts and injection sites again— and this time, ankles as well.

Really, really wish you had shaved recently. But like, it’s long pants weather, c’mon.

(The doctor was not phased in the slightest, to her credit.)

Get sat down to review and verbally confirm same information that you’ve gone over twice already. You will know all of this. Resistance is futile.

Review any and all medications you take with the medical staff, both over-the-counter and prescription. There are only a handful of meds that can cause you to be disqualified/deferred, but you still want them to know any meds you are on, as part of signing up is consenting to potential random or spot-drug tests. (I was not drug tested, just had to agree that they had the right to potentially request a drug test in the future, and that if I were to decline I would be disqualified/deferred.) For any of my fellow ADHD kids, you definitely need to let them know in advance if you take Adderall, as that will give a false positive on a drug test for meth.

(I discussed this with the doctor, including whether or not they needed a letter from my psychiatrist or a copy of the prescription; at least for CSL, I was told that they didn’t need any of that, that it’s basically on the honor system. So long as they know about it in advance, then I’m good to go. They did ask what conditions my various medications were being prescribed for; I don’t generally mind telling people that I’ve got ADHD and anxiety, but just as a heads up. Also, if you take birth control pills, don’t forget to mention those— I don’t, and the doc double checked that with me, but she didn’t ask me to explain.)

Finish with the physical, and finally (finally!) get cleared to go over to the donation floor. (Personally, I’d been at the center for about 3 hours at this point. I was told that new donors do usually end up having to spend a couple of hours in-processing on their first visit, though it seemed like this was a little longer than usual, but there was a decent amount of people there that day. Just, be aware, first time is like, a half-day commitment.)

Realize that there is also a line to wait in here, for returning donors. Die a little inside.

Be shown mercy by the medical staff, and be placed at the front of the donor line. (This is for first-time donors, since it’s such a long process to get to that point, they let you jump the line.)

Get called over to one of the donation beds— oh my god we’re actually getting to describing the actual process of having the plasma drawn, it’s happening—

Confirm your name and birth date, if you’re allergic to latex, iodine, bandaids, or nickel, and what arm you’d like to donate from. (I went with my non-dominant arm, since it was my first time and I wasn’t sure how sore/fatigued that arm might be later; I also was asked to remove that arm from my jacket.) Go over donation floor rules— no eating or drinking (including water) on the donation floor, no talking on a phone. Watching videos, texting, playing games, listening to music, reading, etc, is all perfectly fine and encouraged. (They did have complimentary wifi.)

You are kindly requested to not nap during the donation.

If you fall asleep, they are forced to assume that you have passed out and respond appropriately. Please don’t.

A pressure cuff is used on donation arm, along with you being asked to clench your fist multiple times then hold it clenched, so the tech can identify where exactly your vein is on the inside of your elbow. (My tech used some kind of tool to make a shallow circular indent in the skin on the spot he identified as the best injection site, which was a new one to me.) The pressure cuff stays on for the whole procedure, FYI, though it’s not engaged the whole time.

Iodine scrub for 30 seconds on the injection site, then 30 seconds to dry.

Needle is inserted at injection site, into the vein.

...into the vein.

Third time’s the charm??

Get asked if you mind the tech trying your other arm. Sigh internally but agree.

Before the tech pulls the needle, a supervisor happens to walk by and they ask if they want to give it a try. Supervisor manages to find the vein after another two attempts.

Look I’m sorry I don’t control how big my veins are.

Joking aside, very important note: the needle is large, and it is rigid. If you’ve had an IV before, this needle is larger than that, and many IV needles (or at least the part that gets left in after the initial injection) are plastic and flexible these days— this one is not. I was implored to please, please not bend that elbow, because 1) it would feel incredibly unpleasant and 2) it would push the needle through/blow the vein, and the procedure would have to be stopped immediately. Plus, there would be a very high likelihood I would have to then get stuck in the other arm anyways, so they could return whatever blood cells were still in the machine at that time.

Warnings aside, I do want to note— being very honest and up front, the needle was not particularly comfortable to have put in. Having it inserted was a little painful. (It also took multiple attempts for them to find the vein, which was definitely a contributing factor.) That said, the tech was very gentle, constantly checking with my to see if I was okay, and told me to let him know if it was hurting at all. My answer was, truthfully, no more than I would expect from having a needle in my arm. Despite the trouble in finding my vein (which, that’s not the first time that’s happened), I could tell that he wasn’t digging around with the needle, and seemed very skilled and professional. There was no point where I was concerned that he wasn’t experienced or didn’t know what he was doing. And, once the needle was successfully in, it only took a minute or so to get used to; I was always aware that it was in, but like, only in the “very mildly uncomfortable” sense. It was not painful at that point, or during the blood draw or return. It was definitely more uncomfortable to not be able to move or flex my arm for an extended period of time.

And now more waiting! Except at least this time, it’s at least while the plasmapharesis is actually happening. You’re hooked up to a machine that does all the drawing, filtering, collecting, and returning, but there are techs circulating on the donation floor and checking on you every few minutes. (There was always a tech within eye/ear shot.)

The machine also controls the pressure cuff; when the machine is actively drawing blood, the pressure cuff will be engaged, and you will clench and unclench your fist to help keep blood pumping to that vein, and help avoid the vein collapsing. (For me, the tech also lowered the maximum collection speed on the machine to 85%, because my vein was, in his words “tiny”, although once we started he noted that I was getting a very good flow rate.)

When the machine is filtering/returning blood cells to you, the pressure cuff will relax, and you can relax your hand/arm. The way it was told to me was, “when the cuff’s working, you’re working— when the cuff relaxes, you relax”.

I’d been told the process can take 30-60 minutes, depending on how much plasma they’re collecting from you and the rate of flow. Since I’m in the lower weight group, they were collecting a slightly smaller amount from me (you can see the collection bottle hooked to the machine, mine only got filled about 75-80%), but as noted above, they turned down the machine’s speed for the same reason. In total, my donation time was 57 minutes.

One thing that momentarily caught me off guard, and was probably the most uncomfortable part of the actual donation itself— before you totally finish up, the machine will give you some saline to help replenish some of the fluids/electrolytes it’s drawn off. The saline is cold as fuck. The only reason I realized I was getting saline at all was because my arm was suddenly really frickin’ cold, and I was getting concerned, until I happened to glance over at the machine and saw the “administering saline” text. This was only a couple of minutes at the end, fortunately, but it still would have been nice to know, especially since that arm was out of my jacket.

Finishing up: once the machine totally finishes, another tech comes over, double checks that you haven’t developed an allergy to latex in the last hour, puts a piece of gauze over the injection site, has you hold pressure on it while they remove the needle, then wraps your elbow with a stretchy bandage to hold the gauze in place. This bandage is supposed to stay on for 2+ hours.

Sit up, carefully. I didn’t feel woozy, which I take as a good sign, but I’d say better safe than sorry. Verbally confirm that you feel alright, whether or not you have any last questions, and get informed what the soonest day you’re able to donate again is.

And that’s it, you’re done!

Well more or less.

Aftercare instructions: drink a few bottles of water throughout the remainder of the day to help rehydrate, go have a good meal, no heavy lifting for at least a few hours. (The bandage prevented me from bending my arm completely while it was on anyhow.)

When you do go to remove the bandage, if your needle site is still oozing a little (which is possible, there is a small amount of anticoagulant added to the blood that is returned to you), you should put the bandage back on for another hour or two. Mine was not still oozing, but the clot that formed was stuck to the bandage, and they do very specifically tell you not to pull off any scab or clot on the injection site; I ran warm water in the kitchen sink and held my arm under the water for about 30 seconds to soak the bandage off. Just to be safe, and just in case I had accidentally removed too much of the scab, I went ahead and put some antibiotic ointment and a regular bandaid over the site (since the original bandage was soaking wet at that point).

But, that’s $90-100 dollars that just got added to your prepaid donor card, once the donation’s completed! So that’s nice!

Anyhow, there you go! Sorry that was a novel, but— I like to know what to expect when I’m doing new things, especially by myself, and I figured on the off chance that this could give someone an idea of whether or not they want to try donating, I felt like it was worth taking the time to type up.

As for whether or not I’m going to continue donating? Yep! Honestly, the excessive amount of time it took this go round was just because it was the first time. Now that that’s out of the way, I think the process will be: check in, answer questionnaire, do fingerstick/temp/weight/cuts-scrapes-and-new-tattoos check, go get in donor line, donate. So, way faster, maybe like an hour and a half. I was also told that Wednesdays, Sundays, and rainy days are particularly good days to come donate (at least at our center), because those tend to be slow days with little to no wait. For my second donation, I will also get a front-of-line express pass (I assume to incentivize people to actually come back for more than just the initial donation), so that’s nice too!

For future visits, I probably won’t take a water bottle or snacks inside with me, because the returning donor queue is on the donation floor, and I imagine the time between checking in and getting to go to that line (and the no food/no drinks area) will only be a few minutes, so, not much of a point. I’ll probably still have those things with me for afterwards, though, just stashed in my car.

But do make sure your phone is charged! And, that you know where the bathroom is. :D

Happy donating!

[ckneal]

So, there’s this one angel story in the back of my head that I know I wont write. I wont write it, because it’s utter nonsense, with very little regard for the canonical timeline of Supernatural, and a willfully blurry view on what is and is not “in character.” It’s fluff. It’s all fluff, in the form of a bunch of smaller stories that gradually weave together, following the Love, Actually style of storytelling, but instead of problematic love stories, it’s all about angels playing hooky from Heaven after the Fall.

(Seriously, there is no substance here, I swear.)

Stories include Abner, living out the first half of the movie Family Man, struggling to figure out how to be a good father and house husband after he steps into the life of the raging alcoholic who agreed to be his vessel. There’s also a very minor story about Esther (not to be confused with Hester, who is not in this story because she never deserted her post in Heaven) learning to play the part of a little girl and navigating schoolyard politics, but kids can be mean and Esther learns the hard way that Michael’s approach to asserting dominance in Heaven does not translate well. There’s also Daniel and Adina, who both settle into vessels in the same movie theater where a romantic comedy is playing, and fall into a very innocent, play-acting sort of love after they leave the theatre—like little kids pretending to be in love, recreating the scenes from the movie, but at the same time not really understanding it. Balthazar, Gabriel, and Anael each trying to roll with the luxurious high roller life style, and awkwardly running into each other at VIP poker games, exclusive spas and clubs, and the occasional orgy that they promptly leave IMMEDATELY after running into a sibling (don’t give me weird looks, Balthazar and Gabriel canonically include that sort of thing in their definition of luxury, and the whole thing of their story is their siblings keep cramping their style). Tyrus is in there bowling, somewhere. Benjamin’s playing arcade games with his wife. And then there’s Thaddeus, my pet favorite minor angel character, realizing what’s happening as he’s falling with all the other faithful angels during the Fall and seizing the opportunity to abandon his life as a guard and torturer, settling into a pop star for his vessel—initially for the sake of the cushy lifestyle, but then gradually looking back, before the garden and Lucifer, before everyone was assigned a job in Heaven, like it or not, and the options were to adapt or to be smote, and remembering that back then, he could sing.

And of course, Michael and Adam get a story too—in which Michael lowkey gets into a pissing contest with death, as he and Adam travel the world, hitting up hospital after hospital to heal people. Because the first thing Adam wanted to do after getting out of the cage (okay, second thing—burgers came first) was go to the nearest medical center and start healing people left and right. And at first, they’re having a great time. Adam steals a white jacket he finds in the breakroom somewhere, and anytime someone says he looks a little young to be a doctor (Adam still looking nineteen years old, because I say so), Michael wipes the poor sap’s mind. But eventually—sometime after they’ve cleared out the children’s ward, the cancer ward, the cardiac ward—Billie shows up, sniping at them that they can’t just go around healing people who are destined to die, because there is an order to life and death that cannot be shoved aside. And Billie tries to make a show of it, as Terra did with Dean, by having several people who Adam had healed over the course of the day inadvertently cause several massive accidents. The news suddenly comes pouring out of the television, channels flipping as newscasters talk about tragedies occurring in several different parts of the city they’re currently in. The sound of approaching ambulance sirens fills the air, as in the hospital hallway, doctors and nurses begin hurrying to receive a rush of ER patients.

Adam’s horrified.

Michael does not take kindly to this. He snaps his fingers and makes it so that the carnage has never happened. Because he is the archangel Michael, only two steps away from being a god, and if he says that all of these people are going to live, then they are going to live, and he WILL NOT be intimidated, especially by an amateur reaper whose only qualification for her position was dying at the right time.

Billie in turn lands Michael with a cold stare, and points out that the order to life and death is beyond even God’s authority, let alone daddy’s blunt, sniveling instrument.

As Michael’s eyes start to glow, Adam steps in and says, “So, to be clear, you want us to stop healing people on the verge of death? We can do that.”

After Billie leaves, Michael is outraged, but Adam says, “No, Michael, THINK about it.”

We then cut to other stories, where newscasts in the background reveal that ailments that are not IMMIEDATELY fatal (AIDs, diabetes, Alzheimer’s, etc.) are mysteriously disappearing overnight, worldwide.

Billie is not amused, and tells her reapers to be on the lookout for an archangel at every major hospital in the world.

Cut to Michael throwing open the door of the bunker, muttering aloud to Adam that he’s going to do it, he’s going to bind Death, just like Lucifer did—how hard can it be? Sam and Dean see him as he goes stomping off toward the cabinet where they keep all of their magical dry goods, but Michael snaps his fingers and the two of them are abruptly half drunk in Dean’s man cave, sitting in front of Dean’s flat screen TV, watching some campy monster movie, because that’s lowkey what Michael and Adam assume they do all day.

As they’re raiding Sam and Dean’s supplies though, Adam says, “Wait, I have an idea.”

Cut to Abner looking up while pushing his vessel’s daughter in a park swing, and literally seeing Michael and Adam chasing an ambulance, so they can technically heal the person inside before reaching the hospital.

Yes, I’m aware that Abner was dead by the time Michael and Adam got out of the cage. But see, this story? This story is like when someone gifts you a goldfish unexpectedly, and you put it in a bowl, checking in to feed it a couple times a day, lowkey expecting it to die. But it doesn’t die, it gets bigger. And you’re not a cruel person, so you put it in a bigger tank, but it just gets bigger again, and you don’t really know what’s going on, but you know, you just kind of keep checking in, meeting the minimum requirements but not really getting in there as a guiding force because it’s a goldfish and it’s surely going to die any minute now—but then you look over and there’s giant tank taking up your living room, and you’re thawing out bloodworms twice a day, and looking into tankmates to keep Charles company, and realize that “Oh wow, I guess this is a thing now.”

In short, the story says we’re ignoring the timeline, and it’s calling the shots. I’m just keeping the tank clean.

The angels all eventually wind up running into each other. Abner and Esther happen upon one another in a park, where Esther is morosely realizing that she is terrible at being a human child but she does not want to go home to Heaven, and it just happens to be the same park where Abner goes with his “little nibblet” once a day to let her toddle around the playground while he chats with nannies and other house parents. Anael, Adina, and Daniel meet up when the latter two’s game has reached the point where they’ve decided to get married, and they apparently need to buy something new—preferably blue—as per this very important rhyme someone told them about. Esther and Gabriel run into each other in an ice cream parlor. Thaddeus gets recognized while doing an interview on TV that everyone sees. And, while out joyriding in a Lamborghini, on their way to meet up with the growing community of angels who decided to opt out of their responsibility to Heaven and their father’s legacy, Balthazar, Gabriel, and Anael are all startled to see Michael land on an ambulance stopped next to them at a red light.

Balthazar and Anael are both terrified, as if they’ve just been busted by a parent, because Michael, of course, is the guy who enforces the rules, and isn’t he supposed to be in Hell? They both shoot Gabriel looks as if to say ‘what the hell are you doing’ when Gabriel, watching as Michael climbs down and matter-of-factly wrenches the ambulance doors open, calls out, “Hey, Mike! Is that you?”

Michael looks over, freezes for a second—not prepared to be suddenly thrust into a social situation in the middle of his self-imposed mission to spite death—then his eyes flash and Adam takes over. “Oh hey, you’re Michael’s family? What a small world! I’m Adam, I’ve heard so much about you. Wait, hang on—”

The light starts to turn green, but Adam snaps his fingers and it promptly reverts to red.

Three jaws drop in the luxury car, and they don’t even hear Adam politely explain that he and Michael are in the middle of something, as he ducks into the ambulance, because Michael’s evidently letting a tiny human use his powers like it’s nothing, and what does that mean?

“Sweet dad in the unknown, Michael’s shagging a human. . .”

“Nooo!”

“HOW?”

“Hey, kid, you like weddings?”

At some point in the story, all the MIA angels are together, and Benjamin or someone comes running in saying, “Quick, they’re coming! Everyone hide!”

And everyone scatters, except for Michael, who stands in place, saying, “Gabriel, we’re archangels, two of the most powerful beings in existence. Why would we—”

And then Gabriel picks Adam up like a sack of potatoes and sprints off, calling back, “Trust me, you do NOT want to get involved with them!”

Being a projection, Michael is obligated to follow.

Team Free Will then walks by, looking constipated from whatever Big Awful Thing is currently threatening to destroy the world.

The story, of course, culminates in the wedding of Adina and Daniel, who still don’t quite understand what marriage is beyond promising to love each forever, which of course they will, after all, they are the very best of friends—which is about the same concept that most of the other angels present have. Adam is the first one to actually approach the big awkward question, upon finding out who the bride and groom are.

“Wait, aren’t they brother and sister?”

To which Serafina’s Adam, (who is of course there since Serafina was the original angel to play hooky) whose sons married his daughters, and all the angels, who do not understand what that has to do with anything, all cock their heads in unison and respond with, “So?”

Adam struggles to find words, looking into so many innocent faces. Then Benjamin’s wife puts a hand on his shoulder, whispering, “Shhh, let them have their fun.”

Benjamin’s wife and the two Adams wind up sitting at the venue’s bar, where they order nachos from a very confused bar tender, and watch as the angels go about setting up a wedding. But given that most angels haven’t been on earth regularly in roughly two thousand years, none of them have a clear grasp of what a human wedding entails.

“I heard it’s traditional for the father to give away the bride.”

“I think they’re supposed to kiss over bread.”

“Do humans still slaughter cows at these things?”

“I’m pretty sure someone is supposed to break a glass—”

Several angels promptly throw glassware on the floor.

At no point do the angels ask the humans for advice.

Occasionally, Gabriel knowingly throws out obscure details to keep the confusion going.

“You know, the groom needs to stand with the right arm to the aisle in case a sword fight breaks out.”

“Right! . . .How do we know which one’s the groom?”

At the bar, Adam open’s his mouth to say something, but the original Adam shushes him.

“No no, son, let them get there.”

The angels agree that being the better fighter, Adina should be the groom.

They’re nearly ready to start when Michael suddenly doubles over with his hand over his mouth. It coincides with the sound of Adam pounding the bar top, having just eaten a Carolina Reaper pepper on dare. Michael’s eyes quickly flash silver-blue as he straightens, and both he and Adam are abruptly fine—even if their eyes are still watering somewhat. But a different sort of damage has already been done, as Anael, Balthazar, and Gabriel all abruptly turn toward the triad of humans, having been reminded that the Michael walking around with them is actually a projection. In actuality, Michael is anchored to the human ex-college student sitting at the bar.

All three of them rush toward Adam, but Serafina gets there first, asking Adam if he’s ever tried mushroom tea.

Balthazar gets there next. 

“Adam, was it? We didn’t get to talk in the car, let’s fix that. Are you over twenty-one? You know what, this is a family affair, don’t worry—CAN I GET TWO SHOTS OF DON JULIO OVER HERE?”

From that point on, any time Adam turns around, there’s one of Michael’s siblings, wanting to get to know him—by consuming some sort of beverage. Because Adam and Michael are sharing body—and that means they share a liver too. A bet ensues as to how much it will take to get God’s alleged favorite wasted.

Gabriel’s actually one of the first out, having been convinced that Michael would be a lightweight. Little does he suspect that Benjamin and his wife caught onto what was happening soon after Adam was fed his third long island iced tea and second jager bomb, and began quietly cleansing the alcohol from his system through casual shoulder pats and high fives.

Adam does not know what to make of any of this, but it’s Michael’s family and he wants to make a good impression, so he just goes with it.

Thaddeus, of course, is in charge of music, Gabriel and Esther consume the majority of the cake, and Michael catches the bouquet (he may have cheated after finding out what the bouquet toss is for).

[notyetneedcoffee]

Conference Call

Bucky Masterlist

Part of the Calling Series

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warning: NSFW, 18+, loads of fun smut

You sang along with Gaga as you barreled down the open road until the ringer cut in with Bucky’s ringtone. Tapping the button on the steering wheel, you greeted him with a pleasant “Hey handsome!”

“Where are you?” Bucky grumbled, almost whining. “Why aren’t you here yet?”

“I’m about two hours out.” You glanced at the speedometer. “Okay, maybe an hour and a half.”

He chuckled. “You’d be here already if you would have let me pick you up in the chopper.”  

“You have work today, and really wanted this car.” You ran your hand over the steering wheel of the rebuilt 1969 Chevy Camero. You’d seen it while working with a colleague in Boston. A mechanic Stark recommended checked it out and said it was worth the money, so you decided to buy yourself a very special gift. You sighed with delight.  

Bucky chuckled. “Baby, do I have competition?”

“Well, she is really sexy.” You purred. “Fuck, and the power.”

“Easy, Doll. Don’t want to wrap it around a tree your first time out. Need to stay safe so we can break in those leather seats.” Buckly rumbled.

“Oh, most definitely.” You grinned. “We’re breaking in the seats. You can bend me over the hood. God, this car just begs to be fucked on.”

He hummed low. “Sounds like a road trip is in order. Maybe get you to wear that blue summer dress, the one that’s all stretchy on top.”

“Just the dress and nothing else.”  

“M-hm, so I can just set your ass on the trunk fuck right in the open. Take you out in the woods someplace, find a place in the sun. Fuck yes, watch the sun shine on that gorgeous skin. Taste your sweat. Taste your honey.”

“Damn,” you breathed.

“Get home safe, Doll. I can’t wait to see you.”

“I’ll be there soon, but will you be free by then?”  

Bucky let out a heavy sigh, “I hope so. I don’t mind the work, but I hate these fucking meetings.”

Stark built the compound in upstate New York and began inviting specialist from all over to come train with the Avengers teams. The concept was sound, instruct the support troops and first responders how to work with the team if an emergency occurred in their area. However, their guests quickly began asking for more.  

“Not so keen on being an instructor, baby?” You tried to sound sympathetic, but you thought it was cool.  

“It’s not like they’re asking me on the most efficient way to kill an enemy with a butter knife.” You could practically hear him rolling his eyes. “They want me to set up a course on hostage extraction.”

You giggled.

“Doll...”

“Sorry, I just think of you up front of a classroom, one those pointer sticks in hand. Makes me want to bring you a shiny apple and ask if there’s anything I can do to earn extra credit.”

He laughed, rich a deep. “Baby you show up in a school girl’s uniform and pig tails... mmm, I’ll give you something alright.”

Just as the heat began to spread between your thighs, you heard Bucky grumble. “What?” He sighed heavily. “Doll, I’ve got to go back to work.”

“Aw,” you whined. “I was just picturing you pulling up my little plaid skirts and smacking my ass pink before making me suck that gorgeous cock for extra credit.”

“Dammit, Doll.” He sighed, voice dropping to a whisper. “I’m going to fuck you hard for sending off to a meeting with that image in my head.”

“I’ll be there soon and you can do just that.”

“Drive safe, beautiful.”

Xxxxxxx

You parked in the resident’s garage and grabbed your overnight bag from the truck. A whistle echoed across the floor. You looked over to see Barton strolling toward you. You shut the trunk and leaned presented the classic car with your best Vanna White flourish.  

“That is sexy, mama. Did you just get it?” Clint came closer and gave you a brief hug before throughly examining the car.  

“Yeah. I wasn’t planning on it. Living in the city for so long, I never needed a car. Now that Buck and I took a place up here, well, I don’t like borrowing the fleet cars.” You ran a hand over the shiny black surface. “It’s just like the one my granddad had. No, it’s nicer than that. But he had a black ‘69 and I have really good memories of it. I know it’s frivolous.”

“Are you kidding. It’s a classic and you work your ass off. You totally deserve. Good choice. Has Barnes seen it?”

“Not yet.” You felt a little giddy.

“You’re going to have to hide the keys from him. He’ll love it.”

“You’re probably right. In fact, I’m going to head up. I’m anxious to show him.” Clint gave you a farewell peck and headed back towards his truck. You went straight to your quarters.  

Your place at the Compound consisted of an outer living room with an office alcove and bedroom with a large en suite. You shared a large living space and kitchen with three other units occupied by Steve, Sam and Natasha. It was a comfortable arrangement.

Stepping inside, you could hear Bucky speaking. He looked up at you, eyes smiling. You could hear at least three other voices. You mouthed ‘how much longer’ at him. Bucky wrote something on a pad of paper as he answered a question about what he thought the minimum qualifications of attendees should be.

The paper said 10 minutes. You grinned, kicking off your shoes. A wicked idea come to you. Standing where the computer camera could not see, and just out of Bucky’s reach, you began removing your clothes. Bucky tried to keep a straight face, but his eyes kept darting over to you.

When you cupped your bare breasts in your hands and wet your lips with your tongue, his jaw clenched and he locked his eyes on the computer screen. The discussion continued.

You crawled under the desk, running your hands up his thighs. He tensed. You palmed his hardening cock through his sweats. Bucky’s hips rocked forward.  

“I just don’t think, um, they need to have some experience. I’m about to start things at a basic level.” Bucky’s voice stayed level, but his hand slipped down and he lowered his chair a bit. His eyes flicked your way, seeing you on your knees. His nostrils flared.

As someone else droned on, he watched you pull him free and stroke him. You slipped on hand between your legs, running fingers through your folds. It was so hot. You collected wetness on your fingers before bringing them to his slip your hand over the head of his cock. Slippery and wet, his hips lowered closer to you. Edging closer, you licked the under side of him, not having quite enough room to take him fully in your mouth.  

“Barnes, what do you think?”

“Ah,” His eyes snapped back up. “As long as we can confirm the certification and the course checks out, sure.” He watched himself on the monitor and lowered his chair a little more. He swallowed hard as your mouth closed over him. Bucky gripped the pen on the desk in front of him to keep from reacting as he felt the back of your throat.  

You worked him with your tongue and hands. Slick with slobber, deep and firm. His thighs quivered with the effort to hold still. It was so naughty. You were dripping wet.  

“Sounds like you guys can wrap this up. Email me the final proposal. I’ve got something here needing my attention. Thanks.” Bucky bit out before slamming his laptop closed. “Doll, fuck!”

He pushed back his chair. You followed. His hand tangled in your hair as his hips rock up. “Oh, shit, baby I’m...” Your hand clenched his hip. You weren’t stopping. Cupping his balls, pumping with slicked hand, your tongue swirled over the tip. He growled low when you swallowed him deep again.

His fingers tightened and hips jerked. “Ah, holy shit, yes....”

Bucky came hard as you swallowed him down, slowly licking him clean.  

You looked up with a wicked smile. He shivered. “That was so unfair.”

“What?” You blinked up at him with mock innocence.  

“You think you’ve made up for your bad behavior?” His eyebrow arched.

“But, baby...”

“You are in so much trouble.” Bucky smirked. He lunged but you scurried away with a squeal. He caught you before you made it all the way to the bedroom. His strong arms wrapped around you, his laugh in your ear.  

It was the best kind of trouble.  

TAGS

@rainbowkisses31 / @dsakita / @geeksareunique / @lbouvet / @buckybarneshairpullingkink / @theneuropsychwriter / @vanillabunn21 / @sammghgecko / @beautifullungs / @badassbaker / @the-omni-princess / @sebbysstangirl / @jesseswartzwelder / @unadulteratedwizardlove / @the-reading-octopus / @bangtan-serendipity / @kiki5283 / @mindtravelsx / @josie605 / @ladifreakingda / @dawnlaufeyson / @wildmoonflower / @rynabarnesrogers / @notyourtypicalrose / @sllooney / @wwe-fanfiction-queen  / @thorfanficwriter / @scarlettsoldier / @morganhoran1671 / @michelehansel / @sexyvixen723 / @readermia / @buchanansebba /  @imma-new-soul​ / @asiaaisa77​ / @acf2510 / @almond-butter / @night-cereus / @lovely-lollipops-blog

[sanstropfremir]

ok alright alright alright kingdom episode two

kinda disappointed that they only showed half the stages, but that's just an editing thing to draw out the content so you can air for longer, i'm not super surprised about that. i would have liked to evaluate them all at the same time, but at least this gives me time to go more in depth for all of them since they're full stages this time and I wrote 3000 words for last episode when they only had 100 secs. so this format will probably keep me sane for longer, i think. 

solid stages all round for them, none had especially glaring flaws on the whole. i'm not gonna do a full ranking for this episode since we haven't seen them all, but i will say that btob’s was my favourite from this set and both ikon’s and tbz’s stages were about equal; they both had things i liked and disliked in equal measure so i'm tentatively giving them the same ranking. full opinions and analysis on each stage below the cut, plus another section of general notes because hey what the fuck did you do to that stage mnet???

and for anyone that’s wondering yes i do have the qualifications. also seriously grab a drink or something because this is LONG.

some general notes

and here i thought this section wouldn't be as big as it was last time because mnet was going to get their shit together about the stage design, but noooooooooooo they had to go and make it worse! thanks mnet i hate it! remember how i said you shot yourself in the foot last time? well ya fuckin kneecapped yourself AND all your idols with this one ya dumb fuckin idiots. alright folks welcome back to stage design 101, my recurring segment where i explain the different types of stage layouts and their effectiveness for kpop idol survival shows, i guess.

ok so last week i covered the basics on theatre in the round and traverse staging, which i’ll link here if there’s anyone new or just wants a refresher. i mentioned that its likely that mnet will switch to an in the round style staging because it offers a lot more freedom for camera movement and also for directional blocking. well, i was wrong. so i'm gonna give you a quick rundown of prosceniums. a proscenium, proscenium arch, or just prosc, is an architectural feature that sits around the front ‘opening’ of the stage that delineates the stage from the audience. if you've ever been in or seen any pictures of old european style theatres it can be quite ornately decorated with scrolling, but it's almost always there in most western theatres. it basically provides your ‘wings,’ which are where you exit off into to get offstage, they provide cover from the audience sitelines. pretty much any theatre where the audience is directly opposing the stage across the 180 degree line is a proscenium stage, even if it doesn't physically have the arch. hell, movie theatres are prosc stages. now, there's a secondary architectural feature/device called a false proscenium, where you set a second, smaller archway inside the first prosc, usually done for a specific effect. think of it like a literal framing device; it's often used to visually signify that ‘this is a play, we are telling a story, please be aware that this is a play thank you.’ but sometimes, it can be a semi-permanent structure that’s set in place to narrow the prosc opening. we had this at my university, there was a false prosc set just inside the actual prosc because the stage had a hilariously big prosc opening for a university that never had casts larger than 24 people. so they set false prosc in to make the stage slightly narrower and to widen the wings, because it doesn't matter what size theatre you're in, you always need more wingspace. makes sense? ok, now here’s a very quick drawing of what i'm pretty sure the kingdom stage looks like:

before you get lost: stage directions are oriented to a person standing on the stage, hence SL and SR being reversed. a quick tip for remembering which way is upstage and which is downstage: if you go too far downstage you fall down (most stages are raised between 2-4’ from the floor, so if you step off the end you will actually fall.) the arrows on here signify the entrances i observed during the performances, which is not necessary in this explanation but i just thought it was interesting to note. still not entirely sure what the surrounding architecture is but it appears that the stage is a raised platform inside a room, and not actually built as part of the building. the ‘house’ is just a technical term for where the audience is, and in this case it's where it looks like most of the film crew and the producers/staff are. there’s pretty clearly a platform upstage centre, and i think there may be some others but i don't care about those right now. what i want to talk about is this dumbass false prosc they set IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE. now i suspect that they did this to solve some problems that they could have had that i don't know about, since i don't know who the stage designer was and what the actual limitations of the space are. but basically they've built two stages and stacked them on top of each other to create one very deep stage, and then separated it off with a false prosc in order to control the size of the space a little better, and possibly to add some visual interest. this stage is functional for its purpose, absolutely, and i think, if mnet actually gave a shit about point of view and camerawork, it could produce some really interesting performances. however, because this stage is so deep, it kind of has the same properties as the traverse stage from before, but just with some big led screens in the middle for reasons. you extra have to pay attention to the directionality because you have all the staff and cameras concentrated in one specific cardinal point, so you have to get creative if you want to crossover between the two sides frequently. again, this is not necessarily bad; restrictions often produce some of the most creative decisions.  but! we have not seen a lot of consideration for camera and sightlines and audience pov, hence why i think this setup is dumb: it’s not facilitating the best performances it could.

ok now to the actual performances

btob

this is my favourite of the group because it's very clean lined and utilizes a few simple devices to pretty good effect. i realize these reviews are making me sound like i only like simple performances but i promise this is not at all true i'm just very critical and very picky. let’s start with the costumes, because why not. 

costumes

i like these very much, i love modernized traditional clothing in all forms, and these are very well tailored and well coordinated. they do the bulk of the work establishing the theme for the performance, along with the costumes on the backup dancers. personally i would have liked them to be a bit more colourful, à la the teal detailing that was on minhyuk’s final look. i'm getting a bit tired of the whole trend of having groups only wear all dark or all white, or maybe sometimes red if they're feeling spicy. obviously uniform colour is the easiest way to tie a group together visually, but on a show like this i think the groups would actually benefit more from looking distinct from each other internally rather than establishing the group as whole.

i liked that minhyuk had a costume change but i didn't really care for how it was how it was broken down. this is a very personal quibble because i literally have spent years prepping quickchanges but the method it broke down wasn’t the most visually compatible with the garment and felt kinda clunky. please ignore this anecdote it's just me being picky.

set

i loved the forest! a very excellent way to divide the stage area and obscure the weird stage lines/architecture that mnet has made. plus the snow, flowers, and fog? makes a really sharp and immediately indicative atmosphere, a very good use of visual shorthand to establish place.

i didnt love the screens, they reminded me a bit too much of rolling whiteboards from grade school, but they are thematically relevant. also, i feel like we didnt actually get to see about half the choreo for them? fuckin mnet and idiocy again. fun use of rear projection with the dancers’ shadows, and also good use of them to direct traffic, if you will. 

personally i think that the sheet gimmick from tbz’s performance would have been a better fit here instead of the screens, especially since the fabric motif was already established at the very beginning of the performance. plus you can do some really fun shadow work with a stretch fabric screen. 

personally i think there could have been a little bit more integration between the forest area and the screen area, or they could have done the whole thing in the forest space, but that would require a bit more consideration of camera and choreo maneuverability

sound

really liked this arrangement, obviously the song is iconic but they added a more traditional instrument sound. has good structure for the loose narrative that they had and they were well to label this as ‘theatre’ version because this did follow very closely to a traditional musical theatre sound and style

lighting

no complaints. the overall theme for this episode is apparently blue and red? again with them i like their dedication to a limited colour palette and i especially like the blossoms at the climax

staging

there was pretty clear camera choreo and a minimum of nausea inducing moves. i think some of the effectiveness of the staging got chopped by the editing but that’s not really btob’s fault.

i was just saying i wanted them to give minhyuk some time to shine, i was not expecting to get it so soon! this is a very smart choreo that proves you can be interesting without doing a lot of tricking. minhyuk obviously did a lot of practice and work with that sword, his movements are very fluid and he knows how to handle it. and it looks like its either a blunted proper blade or a correctly weighted replica. a lot of the times when sword choreo looks fake it's because the person either hasn't had enough practice or the weapon is not weighted/weighted incorrectly. only complaints are that you would never hold your fingers/palm that close and un-anchored over the edge of the blade, which is just a safety thing. also you would never scrape your blade on the ground like that, nor toss the thing like dead fish but that's a respect thing with a live blade and this is clearly done for dramatic effect so i’ll forgive it. please ignore this anecdote also it’s just my third dan getting uppity.

ikon

costume/set

smart thematically to go with the sort of miscellaneous 30s-40s (western) aesthetic because it's the fastest way to make it look like you built a theme with mnet’s weird pseudo art deco nonsense they've inexplicably got going on in the set dec. however, they should have stuck the theme all the way through, it would have been more visually cohesive and more interesting. we expect more hiphop/electronic sounding songs to come with these kinds of 4th gen costumes, it would have been anachronistic in a fun way to have them do that second half in 40s style suits. here’s a performance from sdc3 that uses that kind of anachronistic play (this was a combo stage with two ballroom dancers and it has a 20s aesthetic but close enough.) also here’s another routine from sdc3 that does a similar effect on a much more abstract scale, and also it’s a fucking incredible performance and it got slept on by the captains. also yes i know these are incredibly experienced career dancers but they way they construct narrative within their routines and their stage presence is SO GOOD. 

do not speak to me about the backup dancers costumes, holy shit i hate them. i hate them so much. how do you manage to hit too shapeless AND too fitted in the same fell swoop? i'm so mad at these. i'm neutral on bodycon dresses on the best of days but these were absolutely the wrong choice for this stage. generally kpop has abysmal costuming for female backup dancers on the whole but this is just like.....especially lazy. the point of the costume are to help give an indication of where and when you set your performance. they started off with a vaguely 40s theme and then jumped abruptly modern. why? also skirts like that are the literal worst choice for dancing in, hello?? the men’s looks are just sloppy, when you have a garment that big you want it to serve a purpose within the choreo, whereas with this it's just hiding the dancers’ movements.

as for ikon themselves, see everything ive said about black on black on black styling in the previous two reviews. 

the actual set is minimal and that's tragic. i mentioned mnet’s weird art deco theme and it was smart of them to try and play off that with a lack of stuff. definitely a mismatch of stuff pulled from yg’s prop storage, but they made it work as well as they could. no other meaningful comments i’m just kinda sad about it.

sound

the arrangement is fine, no complaints from me. they keyed up the old hollywood style musical theatre sound in the beginning which i really liked. i didn't mind the song/tone switch, i think they pulled it off.

staging

same as btob they learned more towards a theatrical style, which is smart for this particular format of show. i think this was the smartest staging of these three, and also i think the only ones to not get the crew in shot.

despite seemingly leaning into a more old hollywood style the narrative was a bit too loose for my taste. i'm not sure what i would have done to make it clearer at this moment since they had so little to work with, but i did get by on my previous knowledge of the songs. that shouldn’t be the only indication of narrative though! all elements need to support it!!

also like btob they had a pretty intentional point of direction and there weren't a crazy amount of spins. they also used the camera cuts the most effectively that i've seen so far. the first half is actually all in one take!!! incredible!!! thank you!!!! this is how you do it!!

the lighter flick gimmick was well pulled off and a good example of how to use a couple of simple tricks to good effect.

ikon as a whole has really great stage chemistry with each other, and they're extremely cohesive performers. this is a really strong physical performance from them, the dance was very solid and clean. good use of levels without verging into acrobatics. this might be the best group choreo i've seen so far, but we’re not very far so that's not a very high bar to clear.

it's a shame they had the budget of 1 banana.

tbz

i liked this stage better than their intro stage, but i still think they have a long way to go and they're still over ambitious. personally i find stages based on specific pop culture properties to be kind of twee and ineffectual, because it requires a specific knowledge of that pop culture property to work. sometimes the specificity can help with a narrative but you're at risk of alienating a larger portion of your audience out of sheer non-knowledge than anything else. 

costumes

again, interesting garments physically, but not much clarity of relation to the theme other than the colour. also the backup dancers???? another case of backup dancers being from an entirely different stage, what is up with those coats/dresses? looked more like they belonged in either sweeney todd or a vampire movie. 

hands in front of the camera again, but these were used much more effectively.  i'm not the biggest fan of mixing metals and i’m partial to silver on the whole so i didn't love the jewelry, but at least it was vague and stereotypical enough to denote ‘fire magic’ even if it does rely on a derivative middle eastern shorthand.

set

the stage set itself is fine, although definitely feels a bit haphazard to me. doric columns and frozen rocks and whatever that cover for the pyrotechnics was at the front, combined with the candles and the chaise lounge? like ikon, it felt a bit like they were pulling out of the props/set storage. not that all these things do not work together, it's just that you need a thread to tie them together, and this didn't have that for me.

sound

it's a crime they have a song called ‘no air’ and its not a jordin sparks cover. just saying.

i didnt really like this arrangement, again like their intro stage it didn't have a strong structure that suited the narrative, because they were pretty clearly trying a narrative on this one. also were most of the adlibs playback? they were singing live but there were so few shots of anyone specific singing. 

lighting

probably the weakest of the three. the projection design was a bit too tacky for me, and although i appreciated the small amount of variety in colour, it felt way too concert-lighting for me.

staging

the editing on this stage is wack and did no one any good. the hands leading/pov was a really smart device and they should have stuck out the one takes like ikon did, it would have made the whole stage feel a bit more cohesive. a lot better directional camerawork from them this time around, well done. again with the hands in front of the camera gimmick which i actually preferred this time, since they were a part of the narrative. the stretch/silhouette fabric i think they pulled off quite well, even if it didn't really fit thematically with the piece. i actually worked on a show a very long time ago that used this exact same effect with dancers and also rear shadow projection, and it requires a lot of rehearsal and trust to pull off well, so props to them. i think it was the wrong choice because there isn't an established motif for the fabric, so it kind of appears out of nowhere for one specific visual moment and then disappears, and i think that time could have been better served for something else narratively relevant.

again, these 4th gen groups are overly focussed on gimmicks as a way to make up for the lack of experience. personally i think this will be detrimental in the long run, and a reliance on gimmicks means that you don't trust your performers. tbz have the manpower to be doing some pretty cool collective dance work and i dont think its being trained or utilized correctly. they are suffering from a lack of cohesive stage presence right now and that can be fixed with training and time.

this might be because the group sizes are so different between these three but this choreo is very directionless. mnet is also providing to be absolute garbage at editing and i feel like i can't see the choreo at all.

this is a thing i've noticed with kpop camerawork in general, there’s very little regard for actually viewing the choreo as a singular work. and for some reason the camera always needs to be moving???? people do actually want to see what’s happening on the stage. the choreographer can only see from one spot, so from that spot is how they are intending it to look. you wouldn't need to upload full cams of every music stage if you just filmed the choreo properly in the first place. if you watch the two sdc3 clips i linked you can see a clear difference in maintaining the integrity of the choreo, even though both shows use several cameras and a lot of cuts.  obviously for kpop you want the money shots of idols’ faces but i definitely think there’s a healthier middle ground than what we have now.

ill wait for full subs but i want to know where in the fuck in sk you can rent a tank thas clearly been custom made for underwater photography, because that’s extremely cool even if it was absolutely unnecessary to the actual stage itself. i can think of several ways off the top of my head that would have achieved that same freezing effect without any of that wasted time and effort.

mnet decided to drop full cams while i was writing this and despite watching those my opinions are the same.

in conclusion, some more general thoughts:

i think ikon and btob got it right by leaning more into the theatrical than the cinematic, if that makes sense. i might be talking up my own ass here but these are theatre performances, and they should be treated as such. trying to do things that you can do on film isn't going to do you any favours in the long run, and it makes it harder to make a cohesive performance. i’m harping a lot about narrative but it is so important to performance. although it is not technically necessary, when doing big theatrical performance stages like this it does help with clarity of intent and general success. humans have brains structured around storytelling, it is literally the way our history has been passed down for tens of thousands of years. the atlantic published an article recently on narrative and memory, and it's a really excellent read for maybe after you've taken a break from this behemoth, oh dear god. 

tldr: the stages were good but disappointing in their own ways. mnet continues to sabotage via weird stage design decisions and bad editing. see you next week! (or in my ask box if you have questions)

[fuckyourselffff]

This is absolutely maddening. Homelessness, tent villages, the lack of humanity, this is absolutely indescribable. At below minimum wage, I am living in luxury compared to some. I found the pan that probably caused this fire, this abomination. It’s no wonder people feel fucking lost and listless other emotions. What are you supposed to tackle first?

Hunger? I spotted a pan that probably caused this incident.

Cleanliness? Is a joke on the streets.

Shelter? Sorry if i went to target as a homeless person and bought a tent, it’s a red fucking flag.

Mental health? The system has demonized people in this position. Nuff said.

Physical health? #1 SLEEPING ON CONCRETE?? Oh yeah I’ll take that thanks.

Clothing? AKA how to not look homeless.

THE FUCKING SYSTEM THAT PUSHES US DOWN??! I say “us” because we are all little people, statistics or numbers to those that control the system. Once you lack something, it will all start falling apart, like a deck of cards. I’m barely maintaining the list above at 13.50$ per hour 60+ hours a week sometimes. I’ll earn like 1500$ every two weeks, and be burnt out. I have the luxury of having vacation time AND sick days, in a job that’s tied to my health insurance, of course. The above picture was taken in Downtown LA. I’m from NY, and it’s far from any fucking better there. If y’all are looking at me because I’m traveling, you’re the fucking problem. I’m social distancing and took this backpacking trip for my mental health. I don’t go to bars and I’ve barely met anyone.

Also since there is an immense discrepancy between the rich and the poor, just like NYC, there is a huge homeless population just trying to make it by. I’ve been warned/advised by local employees and friends from home to come in before sundown because the homeless and/or unmedicated people are roaming. Which albeit, sounds/is scary when it’s in front of you. But these people are also kind, generous, just trying to get by, will eat my half eaten food, are respectful. So when does that circle back to getting this population of people help? Taking advantage of them during a crisis by offering jobs that might support one or two needs. Yes, I’ve heard of all these resources, but what happens when these resources cut out or someone doesn’t meet the “qualifications”. What happens when the process to get such resources is just an obstacle on top of another obstacle? It’s more than likely exhausting just to bring yourself to ask for help, nonetheless coming to terms with your situation. In San Diego, i discovered there is a community funded clinic for those suffering with homelessness, and they’re currently constructing a building which looks like it would support affordable housing and a means to aggressively combat the situation. They are called father joes villages and father joes clinic. Research and donate if you can. This is an amazing start. We as humans owe it to ourselves and others to support each other through crisis’, in whatever way we can.

The below picture is off the coast of La Jolla, San Diego; where rich people have to continuously deconstruct and rebuild their homes because of natural erosion, oh poor them 😭😭. Due to Natural Erosion on the coast and losing property, one house doesn’t have enough space in their driveway to turn around, so they installed a rotating platform on their driveway, that’s nice. Apparently, this one guy built an infinity pool off the side of the cliff, SANDSTONE (which erodes when you look at it) after T W O W E E K S it fell into the ocean and i believe the only reason he had to clean it up was because it was on a reserve. They fined him like $74K a month until he got to it, months later. Imagine having the luxury of paying a monthly fine of that magnitude, and having a “I’ll get around to it” attitude. Imagine being so rich. —Someone please prove me wrong on this story, i only learned from word of mouth. —

-Martin Sheen

Someone please tell me what to do next. I’d like to be a pillar to stand on, or field some representation or some real action and quite literally fuck the system.

[luvdsc]

hey!! it’s 🧋 anon!! i hope you’re doing well! thank you!! ive got 11 more exams this coming week so i’m a lil 🥲 and then 3 more maybe the week after? exactly! i was so paranoid in the exam like “am i suddenly smart or a grade a idiot?” but it’s comforting to know that others feel the same about tests in general 😅. i’m learning python! i know there are better languages but ehhhh it’s just high school sjdnndn. and thank you about my bias choice sjsjndn. oh no not the 10th floor 😭 i’ve heard horror stories 🤧 i just can’t get over how sweet, funny and gentle he seemed in the jolly interview 🥺. thank you!! for letting me claim 🧋! and i wish i could say the same about not knowing that it was released but i’ve legit been checking since pre-quarantine for a boba emoji bc emojipedia said it would be coming out 😭 i had to start claiming it soon bc i’m NOT letting someone take it from me 😠 (but also! look how cute these are: 🦤🦭🐻‍❄️🐈‍⬛ ). as for my regular boba order, i’m still a lil new to the boba world bc i first (finally) tried it like 2 weeks before quarantine 😭. so everytime i go to this boba place (which is hardly ever for obvious reasons) i try to get something different! bc it all seems so cool!! the place i go to has popping bubbles in different flavours! so i always try to get a different drink with different popping bubbles and regular boba. i think my favourite so far is any drink (maybe mango?) with apple popping bubbles and boba!! but i’ve also been making boba at home for agessss and i usually just make regular tea or green tea with it! 💗

awww 😭 thank you ma’am sksndjdj. i mean, you do give off very motherly energy so i’ll happily accept being a baby 🥺 awww you think my accent is cute? ms cat i’m blushing 😭🥺 oof yeah the exams are not fun™️. but like you said, it does kinda prepare us for them more but the stresssssss is 🥲😭 okay so i’ll answer these in order if that’s okay?

do you still have class going on in between these exams? i assume you mean specifically when we have exams? so unfortunately yeah😭 it depends on the teacher as to wether they’ll let us revise in lesson or if we have to do regular work

do the gcse’s determine your college field of study afterwards? kinda? i mean, colleges have a minimum enterance requrement for courses. although it varies course to course, it’s usually somewhere around the 4-5 (high c-low b) mark. but you can do any course you want at college as long as you have passes in most subjects (usually an emphasis on core subjects (english, maths and science)). (so like, if you didn’t do history in high school, but you wanted to do it in college, then you could do the course as long as you meet the courses’ gcse grade requirements).

is college different from uni? yeah! college is for 2 years and straight after high school. in england you legally have to be in education until you’re 18, so all education is free until then, meaning that college is free! (unless you want to go back to do something else later in life). uni is after college and is optional. that’s where you get things like a bachelor’s, masters and doctoral degree. usually it’s for 3 years although it can vary and you have to pay! we have a student loan system too!

don’t worry about the questions! i enjoy the differences too sjdbbdd. and oooo! here, high school is 11-16/year 7-11, then college is (usually) 16-18/year 12-13 (although we don’t tend to refer to them by years) and uni is (usually) 19-22! (although you tend to go back to that for higher qualifications).

ansnsekndj i’m sorry ms cat 😭 and for me college will start in september of next year! we finish year 11 really early compared to the other years (usually we finish in july (my birthday month!!) but in year 11 we finish the day our last exam happens! which is usually around the end of may to the start of june!) so the holiday is the longest we’ll ever have 😭. that’s one of the reasons i envy americans because the summer breaks are SO long 😭 here, they’re 6 weeks sksndn.

i hope i answered all of your questions ms cat! ily! 🐈‍⬛💗~🧋

hi, lovebug!!! 💓 i’m going to put my answers under the cut since they got pretty long 🤧

i’m doing good!! i got soo much sleep over the weekend and am well rested, so this means tomorrow’s 6 am meeting won’t be too bad 🤧 YOU HAVE ELEVEN EXAMS THIS WEEK???? what on earth 😭 that’s like 2 per day and one day has 3 aksjlhflajkdfaskdjf why don’t they spread them out??? and three more the following week 💀💀 this sounds absolutely brutal, i’m so sorry, lovebug. have you been studying for all of them? LOL yeah, i feel like something is wrong if i can just breeze through a test akjdlhsflask python is a good start and easy to understand! honestly, most codes are pretty similar tbh, so once you get a good grasp of one, it’s easy to learn the other ones :’) do you enjoy cs? 💕 aldskjfaslk yeah, jaehyun does seem like the perfect boyfriend, doesn’t he? 🤧💘 LOL i heard there would be a boba emoji, but i didn’t know if it was true or not, but woooo it’s good to know it’s finally here!! 🥳 and omg the dodo bird and seal emojis 🥺💗 those are all sooo cute!!! aslhfdlkjasd first time trying boba, i just gasped out loud 😦 i’m so happy to hear that you enjoyed it once you tried it though! 💜 omg the popping bubbles are really yummy! and i LOVE mango!!! 🤩 that’s one of my favorite fruits :’) same with apple!! omg you’re making boba at home asdjhfas i’m so jealous 🤧 i haven’t had any boba ever since quarantine started in march 😭 aaaah i loooove green tea and black tea ones :’) have you tried the cheese boba tea before? i thought it wasn’t going to be that good, but i was pleasantly surprised with the taste, like it wasn’t that bad actually. cloud tea is also really nice, too ☁️💞

akjashdlfkja you are the absolute cutest omg 🥺💖 the british accent is sooo nice like wow, you can just be reading me your grocery lists and i’m like 🤩 amazing, perfect, wonderful, never been done before. meanwhile, i’m here with some kind of american valley girl accent LOL 🤧 you shouldn’t be having that much stress at 15 what the heck 😭 i wish they would cut down on the number of exams for you because having 11 in one week is not okay at all ): and oh my goodness, thank you sooo much for giving me such thorough answers to all my questions, honey bee 🥺💛💛✨

ah, we also have classes going on during exams too, so i can relate unfortunately. it really sucks when the teachers continue to teach new material, instead of helping you prepare for the big exams /:

ooo i see!! i think it’s really cool that colleges actually show minimum requirements for acceptance. here, there’s no set criteria at all, so it’s kind of a shot in the dark. they do post the averages of past students’ grades/scores and whatnot, so we have a vague idea of what each school wants, but some schools are weird af, like my friend with a lower gpa and less extracurriculars got into stanford university, meanwhile my one friend who won essentially the youth’s version of the nobel prize and was even acknowledged by obama during his presidency was waitlisted 😬

oh wow, i wish it was like that here :o education is so expensive in the US, like student debt is the norm. do you still have general education classes in college, or is this where you can choose a specific field of study? and university is only 3 years oh my gosh wow, only three years of tuition to pay!! the US could never /: it’s like 70k/year for private universities, 5k-15k/year for public schools in state, and 15k-35k/year for public schools if you’re out of state 💀

the words “college” and “university” are pretty much interchangeable here in the US, so that’s really cool to know! years 6-8 / ages 11-13 (i think that’s the age range?) is considered middle school here, so it’s interesting to see that some of those years are considered high school for you :o

ooo ok, that’s when my school years ended too back in high school! i ended in may and started school again in august. but in uni, i started in september and ended mid june :’) ah yes, our summers are around 2-3 months, and i really miss having that now that i’m out of school 😭 only 6 weeks??? that’s so short omg i’m so sorry ): do you have anything fun planned for your summer? also, do you have prom there? 💕

thank you soooo so much, sweetpea, you answered all of my questions so nicely, and i appreciate you so much 💝💝 ily too, and i hope you have a good week ahead, angel!!! 💖🌷

[jupitermelichios]

Binding Safety: what the Binding Health Project study tells us

[sorry in advance for the long post, but this is important health stuff so i didn’t want to hide it under a cut where most people won’t bother reading it]

There’s been a lot of talk lately on trans/nb/gnc tumblr about a 2016 study on the health impacts of binding, after a user made a post about how choosing to bind should be a decision taken very seriously due to the serious long-term health effects, and linked to the study.

I was curious, because as someone who’s been binding for several years now, the study results referenced sounded somewhat extreme. So I went and read the study to see for myself. (Which you can access HERE, and I encourage you to read it for yourselves. It’s not as daunting to read as it initially looks provided you have a decent grasp of English). This is in no way intended to be a callout or response to that user, which is why I’m not naming them. I just read the study and realised I hadn’t seen the results being talked about. Thank you to the op for directing me to the study.

The study is pretty broad with a reasonably high level of responses (1800 people in total were used - some more responded but were excluded for being under 18). There’s a few things that might immediately jump out at you though.

Mainly, this was the first ever study of the kind, and as such, it’s intended to gather preliminary data (that is, a broad overview intended to provide a starting point for other more in-depth studies in the future). There’s a lot of questions I would say definitely need to be answered before any serious conclusions can be drawn that just aren’t covered at all. Which is fine, it’s a preliminary study, but that also means we should take care when viewing the results.

First of all, my qualifications. I’ve been binding regularly for three years now, and my degree involved some studying and inpretting of questionnaire and other study responses, so I am relatively familiar with this format of data. I am also a fully qualified first aider, so I have some medical knowledge. However I am not a sports scientist/biologist/medical professional, and three years really isn’t all that long in the grand scheme of things. As such, you should definitely consider seeking out other opinions on this study, and on binding safety in general, before making any kinds of decisions about whether to start/continue binding.

With that out of the way, here’s a run down of limitations to bear in mind before I talk about the actual results:

1. This was an online study and as such is most going to capture a younger target demographic, and also therefore people who had been binding for a shorter period of time. More than half the respondants were under 24, and the average respondant had been binding for only 2 years. The study does not report on whether there is any correlation between age and experience with binding and health impact or not, which is a question that it’s definitely worth asking. (To put it simply, I think it is likely that people who are older or have been binding for a long time are more likely to spot if the way they bind is hurting them than younger people, but I don’t have evidence for that assumption because there hasn’t been any research yet that covers that topic).

2. This is not a longditudinal study (where subjects are studied over a long period to track changes over time), and as such it is only capturing a snapshot as at the point people filled it the questionnaire. Some questions did cover before and after experiences, but that’s not the same as a long term study, and the study itself mentions this as a limitation.

3. This is anecdotal evidence with no input from medical professionals (in case people aren’t familiar with the terms, asking someone if they eat a lot of spaghetti would get you anecdotal evidence, as opposed to a researcher following someone around and recording whether they actually ate spaghetti, which would be empirical evidence. Neither type of evidence is superior, they’re just useful for different things). Self reported data is important and useful, but there’s also going to be some blindspots, and one of those could potentially be whether binding is actually the root cause of the health problems reported. (Which isn’t to say that it isn’t, just that the study didn’t try to rule other possible causes).

4. Over 80% of respondants used commercial binders (garments made specifically for the purpose of binding, purchased from a shop, rather than improvised/homemade garments, or repurposed garments intended for other things like playing sport), and so the data on other binding methods is limited, meaning the ability to compare accross different binding methods is likewise limited.

5. All commercial binders are grouped together with no distinction between the different types, but annecdotal evidence from the community strongly suggests there are major differences between binders with fastenings and elasticated binders when it comes to health

6. Respondents were asked only what they currently or most frequently bound with, not whether they had used other binding materials in the past. Many people, especially those who begin binding young, will start with something improvised before moving on to a commercial binder. Some of the health affects the study associates with commercial binders may actually be the long term result of other binding methods. (Again, they also may not be, the point is just that we don’t know)

7. There has yet to be a study of the effects of binding which compares it to wearing a bra regularly, but some of the health impacts reported have also been linked to bras, especially amoung people with larger chests. (Back and shoulder pain especially). This suggests (although obviously in no way proves) that some of the results may be related to more body shape than they are binding.

8. The study itself mentions several times that they did not cover the size of binder/level of compression people chose, or whether they were layering binders (except layered shirts or sports bras), both of which have been strongly linked to health impacts by community anecdotal evidence

There’s almost certainly more I haven’t thought of, but those are just the ones that immediately spring to mind. Again, this is not to say this study is worthless. This study is, and was intended to be, a useful jumping off point for more detailed studies.

So what does the study actually say:

1. Most people who bind report some impact on their health. These impacts can range from fairly minor (itching and overheating) all the way up to very serious (skin/soft tissue infections and rib fractures, which in can lead to more serious infections and punctured lungs respectively). The most common effects are back pain and overheating. Binding without getting side effects of some kind is extremely rare.

2. The number of days a week you wear a binder is a much better indicator of whether binding it going to negatively impact your health than how many hours at a time you wear your binder.

3. Within the limits of this study (see above) commercial binders are the most associated with health impacts, while binding methods developed for sports, such as sports bras and compression vests, are the least associated.

4. The impact of binding on mental health is generally very possitive

So what if I already bind and don’t want to stop / am considering starting to bind. Should I be worried?

This is where we’re getting much more into my personal anecdotal experience and interpretation of the results. Other people may not agree with what I’m about to say, and it’s important that we listen to those voices, especially if they come from people more qualified than me.

IMO the answer is not especially, if you’re being sensible. It definitely is a decision to consider seriously before you begin, but unless you’re doing something really dangerous it’s probably not going to do serious harm. However there are some safety steps you need to take to protect yourself. Some of these will be stuff you’ve probably seen before from the community. Some of them may be new, because there’s bits of this study which do contradict what the community thought they knew about binding safety.

Based on this study, and my own/community anecdotal evidence, you should:

1. Take regular breaks from binding. Take days off as often as you can. This is the biggest predictor of low/minimal health impacts. If you’re not going out, or if you’re not feeling dysphoric, take a day off. Binding can become a habit easily, but if it’s not necessary avoid it. Try and, at the minimum, get into a ‘if I’d be happy wearing sweat-pants or pyjamas today, then I shouldn’t be wearing a binder’ mindset.

2. Do not sleep in your binder. Even a looser or more comfortable one. (Also any bra-wearing people wearing this, don’t sleep in your bra either. It’s really bad for you). While length of time you wear a binder while awake doesn’t seem to impact health, sleeping in a binder can.

3. Bind with material that stretches. Using stiff binders, whether that’s homemade, tape/bandages/plastic wrap, or one of the velcro/hook commercial binders, is how you end up with fractured ribs and breathing difficulties. If something is able to comfortably expand with your breathing, it’s not going to break anything when you breath. If it isn’t... well, that’s how you get 8% of responses being from people who’ve cracked ribs in the past.

4. Pay attention to your body, and keep binding in mind as a possible cause for any new pain or other health problems, especially if those problems affect your chest, shoulders, lungs, or digestive system. (Your stoumach is way higher up in your body that you probably think it is, so it can be impacted by some binders.)

5. Consider athetic supports for binding. If you can/are comfortable with them, binding options which have been designed and tested by sports scientists for their impact on the body, and breathing in particular, are going to be your safest option. Consider whether a sports bra or compression vest would work for you rather than a commercial binder (and/or swap them out with a commercial binder).

6. Accept that you’re never going to be completely flat, just like most cisgender men aren’t completely flat, and don’t try to aim for that, especially if you’ve got a bigger chest. Trying to achieve an idealised body is never healthy, whether that relates to musclemass, weight, or chest size, and it’s this kind of thinking (tempting as I know it can be) that leads people to make dangerous choices.

7. Never forget that it is possible to bind so tightly that you cut off blood circulation to parts of your chest, which is how you get infections and even necrosis. Which in turn, as well as being horrible and possibly impacting your ability to have top surgery if that’s something you want, is how you get sepsis, which has a terrifyingly high chance of killing you, but especially if it’s starting right next to your vital organs. Because you’re not watching the tissue go white the way you would if you tightened something around your arm, for instance, it can be easy to forget this is a possible outcome. Bear this in mind, and choose your compression levels accordingly.

8. Wear a binder that fits. If you’re buying a commercial elasticated binder, make sure you’re picking the right size for you and only wear one at a time. The big brands like GC2B, Underworks, and Trans-Missie have size charts. Read them, and don’t order a size smaller becuase you think you know better.

9. Stretch regularly and be aware of your posture as much as possible. (Honestly this is good advice for everyone, especially extremely online people; laptops are great but their impact on posture and therefore spinal health has been pretty catastrophic). Excercises that strengthen your core muscles are also great, because those muscles help hold your spine in place. I’ve been told by way too many physiotherapists/osteopaths/chiaropractors that my lack of core strength is the root of my recurring back and neck problems, and since binding can negatively affect your spine, this goes double for those of us who bind.

10. Be aware of heat stroke and heat exhaustion, they’re real and they’re dangerous. Stay hydrated, stay in the shade, and consider not binding on hot days if possible. (Generally just avoid tight clothing and synthetic fabrics wherever you can when it’s hot, and since binders are both, that goes double for them). Also talc often has some really bad stuff in it, but some sort of anti-stick powder in your (sorry for the gendered language, couldn’t think of a good neutral alternative) cleavage and underboob areas is an absolute lifesaver on hot days, and as long as you pick something smooth and skin safe will help with itching.

11. Take the time to choose a binder that’s right for your body. It’s really easy if you’re new to binders to assume that however the first one you buy fits is normal, even if it actually doesn’t fit at all and causes you pain. It’s entirely possible to bind without pain, especially if you take regular days off, so if your binder hurts, even if it’s just mild discomfort, it’s probably the wrong size. This is one of the reasons it’s so important that folks who bind talk about their experiences, and that younger or newer members of the community reach out to more experienced members for advice and support.

Binding can have a serious impact on your health, no one is denying that, but if anything looking at the results of this study, limited though it was, suggests that there’s a lot you can do to make it relatively safe. It’s still a decision you should think through, and it requires a level of physical monitoring many people aren’t used to, but it’s not some big scary life threatening thing.

Anyway, I hope that was interesting and/or set some people’s minds at rest. I know I’ve seen that post a lot the last couple of days, and it had me worried before I went and read over the results, which again, I’d urge you all to go and do if you can (warning that it’s probably not super screen-reader friendly due to the formatting of the reports). I’m not a medical or scientific professional, so if people better qualified to interpret the study than me, or if people who have been binding for longer and have more anecdotal evidence than me, have dissenting opinions it would be great to hear them.

I’ll leave you with one last tip, which isn’t health related but which I wish someone had given me when I was starting out:

12. If at all possible, order binders from your country or at least continent, because chances are the first one you order will need to be returned or adjusted and international shipping and customs charges are a bitch, especially if you’re on a budget. The closer to home it ships from, the easier it will be to return it.

TL:DR; binding is very likely to have some impact on your health, but how serious that impact is is heavily dependant on how, and how safely, you bind. Taking days off from binding is the best way to protect yourself, and garments designed for sports are the safest binding method. However there still needs to be a lot more research done before we can draw up anything more than rough guidelines for safety, and you should therefore take care and pay attention to your body if you decide to bind.

[thewhumpstuff]

You and I, Me and You [34]

[CW: Vague references to human trafficking]

[Teaser and Master List] [Archives of our Own] (Lost and Found: Chapter 9)

Moving Forward.

[<– Previous] ~ [Next –>]

Akira’s walk had been shorter than she had anticipated. It was warmer inside than outside. She liked it, but as she neared her room and noticed the figure slumped by her door in the distance and he made everything feel a little stifling and sticky. Her black track pants rustled as she crouched and then sat against the wall by the threshold to her room. Two silicone ziplock bags lay in her lap. Jared sat on the other side of the sleek frame. Like a guard dog. The two occupied the stark, long hallway, lined with doors. They did not look at each other. And they could only speak in whispers, lest some rankled trainee BioHacker stuck their head out of their room to try and find out what all the racket in the hallway was about. She opened one of the bags. The aroma of spiced fried rice filled the air. “Sorry, I forgot about the food...” Perhaps it was easier to break a silence with a whisper, for Jared, maybe he was just hungry. He apologized for something Akira did not think warranted one, while avoiding the things she did need explanations for. “It’s fine… Here…” She sighed and passed the other bag over to him and a disposable pair of recyclable chopsticks along with it.

He did apologize for something, because the air hung so thickly between them, he felt like he needed to. He could sense that the lack of food was not really the appropriate reason. At the same time, everything else felt like something he expected Akira to understand... Things got out of hand and he was duty-bound to help in any way he could. She sniffed at the food, there was something comforting about it. Akira closed her eyes. She had not seen what Tariq and Jared had. Akira only knew of Zizi’s suffering through Novara’s accounts. Zizi remained a mystery. A victim who had suffered, yes, but still a mystery. “What do we know about her? About Zizi?” She asked softly, after swallowing her first bite. Food did help blunt the sharpness with which she had been approaching everything. “Not enough… But I intend to find out.” He admitted. He sounded driven and cryptic. Akira was too exhausted to push for more. A part of her craved her bed, but anything she considered asking for, felt like a privilege. I could just sneak in and use my couch… Everything sounded selfish. The corridor was eerie. It was probably past midnight, she checked her SmartEye. It was. She gave up. “I’m going to Tariq’s. I’m… I’m tired.” Akira finally announced. Jared could not find a reason to contest this. He did not hold it against her either. And she was not seeking his permission, neither did she have to. “... Do you think they’re asleep and it’s safe for you to come along?” “I’ll stay here.” Akira could not find a reason to contest either and stifled the mulish protest. -  The chopsticks were stowed in the empty ziplock packet. It lay beside Jared, who was dozing, upright with his head against the wall. Finally, the door clicked behind him. Nova’s eyes were still puffy, dark circles were stark against her pale skin.

“Jared… I think… I think Zizi comes from some sort of an organized system...” She scooched by him. They had conversed with the bare minimums enough times for him to instantly understand the implication. He would need to know a little more, but the corridor was certainly not the right place for it. Nova was trained enough to be trusted with her instinct, plus, she certainly knew details that Jared did not, given her shared past with Zizi. He allegedly had his own past with her too, it left him feeling as involved and responsible as Nova did. The purpose gave him a new direction. “Do you know enough? Can we find out more from her?” “Not from her, Jared please… She is not ready. She needs to heal, like really heal.” He nodded. He knew Nova struggled to not get involved and attached. He understood her need and want to protect Zizi, he wanted to respect it. This was a special circumstance after all. There had to be other ways. But they would require a certain clearance. Jared made up his mind. “Stay with her, Nova. I need to speak to someone.” Nova’s eyes didn’t betray any fear of consequence, she was already at the door, ready to go back inside. But he reassured her anyway, “And no, you won’t be going down for anything.” - “But I need clearance and you will have to trust me through my absolute discretion, will you?” Cepheus hummed as he considered Jared’s demands. “That is all you want, to be able to assemble your team and tackle some crime activity you have come across? Nothing else…?” He left the implication of his previous offer in his loaded question. “I want nothing to do with Ezekiel, Look, he’ll get his justice within the judiciary system, right? I just want permission to run this one operation on my terms without interference from you or anyone else. Can I have that, or not?” He repeated his terms, there was a stubborn edge to his voice, that Cepheus admired, that and the younger man’s moral stand. “Is there anything else?” “Till I’m not done with my mission, can we keep this transition under wraps?” Jared was uncertain that this request would be granted. He sensed that they wanted to replace Ezekiel as a person as much as they would want to boast of a new figure head. This showed in the way he asked. Cepheus felt generous and he assumed that it was a way for the Knight to feel like he had earned the spot. “Done. Send the list of your desired members for the team to Celaeno. Welcome to Q.B. I wish you success in your mission, and soon, so that I finally get to give Scarlett a call! ” The Commander replied with a childish guffaw, before Jared could respond, he heard a tone that signified the disconnect. Within moments, he received certain credentials within his CommCube and SmartEye. He sent his list.

Secondary Clearance for: Tariq Meissa Novara Ricci Vivianne Delacroix Tertiary Clearance: TBD. As per requirement.

He was surprised at the efficiency with which he received Celaeno’s confirmation. - Tariq spit out the cloth he’d been biting to muffle his groans. Please Nova, just make this a little more painless… He whisked the empty  syringe and  ‘advanced-shealing-serum’ vial under the couch. He wasn’t sure if he had injected his hand with it correctly. But it looked and felt much better than before. The swelling and bruising was almost gone. Internally though, things still hurt, as he realised when he gripped the pillow, he winced and then grumbled. Tariq’s legs hung out awkwardly on the other side of the couch. He rolled onto his back uncomfortably and then sat up. He tossed the cushion onto his bed, aiming for the person curled in the middle, largely disrespecting the vastness of the mattress. “You’re smaller and you should have taken the damn couch.” Akira chucked the pillow back and spoke into the one over her head. “Don’t let chivalry die… fool, besides I really… Just wanted space to roll around.” Rest always made her feel better. It was a pity that sleep rarely visited her. A notification broke his thoughts that he was stringing into an appropriate repartee. He had received a rather official looking correspondence from Jared Knight. He sat up. “Hey, Kira… I have the morning off and-” “Good for you. Shut up and let me-” She sounded drowsy, but already awake. “-And I think your man is my new boss.” He sounded just a tad crestfallen, but only momentarily. It was not too surprising for Q.B. to whisk Jared up while they had the chance. She sat up like a springboard, then relaxed into the bedpost dully. “Yeah… he told me Cepheus offered him SiC. He didn’t seem so ready to take it when we talked about it though…” She said ruefully. He let Akira brood when she needed to, and it did not stop him from carrying on. “He got a small team together to crack Zizi’s case, I think. He’s been sparing with the details, but we’re meeting later today.” Her eyes brightened momentarily. “Oh! Am I on-” She cut herself off. Of course not. That would need qualification, license and credentials… Her gaze met Tariq’s. “All you gotta do is finish your damn thesis and the few screening tests.” He did not mean to diminish the work that would take in general but did want to let her know he thought it would not be a big deal for someone like her. She huffed softly. “Well… You’ll keep me in the loop right…?” She barely managed to sound hopeful. He got off the couch to go sit on the corner of his bed. “Only if you can make contact when we spar next…” “Pfft. Low bar. Get ready...” She was about to leap at him playfully, just to try catch him off guard and tackle him off the bed. But a notification of her own made her stop. This was a small mercy, at least Jared didn’t leave her entirely out of the loop. I’m a little low on the priorities there, though. That did make sense… Objectively.

Red: Took SiC. Got a team together to investigate Zizi’s situation. You have the next week off. Asked for a suite… Nothing too fancy, but can you and Nova move in there with Zizi? Can’t hand her off yet. I’ll check in periodically.

It was too curt for her liking. He already sounded busy. It is fine. He is busy and this is a good thing. You wanted this for him too, right? She wanted all of that to be true and could not understand why it did not feel that way. Akira was not sure if this was some sort of a consolation prize or if he really needed her help. Either way, she could not see herself denying the request. She knew would miss living with him… Her mind had jumped to a very different reality when she heard he had taken SiC.

To Red: Congrats… I guess and sure, I’ll move in with Nova and Zizi.

She replied and sighed, willing herself to grin again. “I’ll be living on the floor above yours now, Reeek… So, you better be ready all the time.” She tried to sound light and teased Tariq with a nickname she knew he hated. “Don’t call me that!” -

Moving from one room to another was no grand task. She left most of her things in her own quarters and only took the essentials to Jared’s suite, the one he would not be occupying. Just a small bag. Her training uniform, some clothes, her BioHacker equipment… Her bare feet enjoyed the texture and warmth of the wood-panelled floor as she ambled within the house. The kitchen was stocked, and it was set up a little like a bar. The rectangular dining table was considerably bigger than her tiny circular one. A liquor cabinet graced one side of the living room and a small fireplace sat on the other. Armchairs facing it made a comforting nook of their own. It had three rooms and two, better equipped, bathrooms. She peered into one in the master bedroom and twittered softly. “I always did want a hot-tub…” Trainees were only afforded shower cabinets. She spoke mostly to herself, but Nova and Zizi were within earshot. Zizi was bundled up on her automated wheelchair, looking much brighter than she had last night. The controls were simple enough and allowed her to navigate the house at her own pace.   Akira could glean joy from the small upgrades, but Jared’s absence was palpable. Especially, because he would not have noticed any of these things. Nova was exploring too, but slower and quietly. She followed Akira and tried not to let her tiredness show. When she noticed the crisp bedcovers on the large bed in the master bedroom, she could not help but flop onto it. It was starkly different in design than Ezekiel’s waterbed. And she thought she just wanted to know what it felt like. But within moments, she was lost in a dreamless sleep. Akira threw a duvet onto her, before slinking into the other room. It was the smaller guest room. “I guess I’m taking this one,” she announced and left her bag by the single bed, staking claim. She stepped out to face the woman in the wheelchair. “You… you’re okay sharing the room with Nova, right?” “Yep.” She had spent too much time alone in that tiny cell. The bustle of sharing a room… a comfortable room, sparked a certain excitement. Plus, Nova was familiar and without Eze’s shadow looming behind her, she was helpful but not intrusively so. She did have this protective air around her, Zizi did not mind it so much, it was a welcome change to have someone feel that way about her. It reminded her a little of Jeremy. In fact, she could not bring herself to admit how nice it was to have someone take care of her, out of fear that it may not last. Been me against the world for too long… Akira sauntered into the third and final room with a mild intrigue. It had a padded floor and housed some training equipment… Including the mu ren zhuang. Zizi pulled up at the threshold, not wanting to roll onto the padded floor. “All this is-” “Jared’s or for him any way…” Akira responded to the question she assumed Zizi was going to ask with the answer that was already in her thoughts and so, on her lips. Zizi gave her space to leave the room, she appraised Akira with weary interest. They spent most of the day in silence.   Nova had gotten up just in time for the meeting Jared had called. Akira tried not to pout about not being included she knew it was her own fault. - Vivi sat in one chair and had her feet up on another. Conference tables were so… long. Her eyes traced it from end to end. There were just three other people in the room. The space between them felt like a waste. T sat across her, and Nova sat at the head. Jared paced behind Nova and sometimes around the whole table, it was driving Vivi crazy. Her eyes were soon following him like a target, and he moved too unpredictably. “We have to work within certain constraints.” “Yeah… We’re not dragging Zizi into this extensively.” Nova interrupted Jared. He did not mind. Both he and Tariq agreed with Nova’s suggestions. “We can just ask Eze for more…” Vivi’s voice was a sweet trill. “That’s the other thing, we’re not using Ezekiel either, because I do not want any of us…” He looked at Tariq pointedly, who did not contest the accusation in the SiC’s gaze. “...Going too far, because let’s face it, it would be or could get, very personal.” “Not exactly.” Vivi insisted but did not really make it a point of contention, as Jared went on. This was a matter of principle for him. “Irrespective, we are better off piecing things together on our own than relying on that scheming s.o.b. It can’t be that hard to track…” Plans were made, and responsibilities were delegated. Tariq took up the mantle of being the man on the ground. While his militaristic experience trumped his time as an Enforcer, all Q.B. agents were essentially PeaceKeepers, by default. (a.k.a piecers or peekers, depending on their reputation) He did still know the lay of the land and offered to scout known gang infested locations to see if he could wheedle information about the human trade. Vivi had enough experience finding her way into the deeper, darker, well-encrypted depths of The Network. She offered to start there. There was bound to be something related to this... and more. Nova helped them by trying to put together a loose timeline based on what Zizi had shared and what she knew. She also offered some intel on the kind of company Ezekiel kept. People amidst his high-profile posse that could potentially be involved in an amoral trade such as this one. At least being paraded around in those parties feels meaningful now. And she could only wish she had been less blank through them and more attentive. Nova’s information reminded Jared that he too may be able to piece together Zizi’s life, if what she had shared today was true. Additionally, he knew some rotten folks who had garnered enough wealth during The Supremacy’s reign. People who did not stop till they got what they wanted, whatever it might be. So many of them had escaped culpability in this transitory period... Jared would need to rifle through his past. And he knew that would not be easy. Once the brief meeting concluded, he quickly excused himself to attend to other matters. Vivi merely walked away, without feeling the need to state her intent. Nova and Tariq headed back to Jared’s suite to check in on Zizi. … And Akira. Tags: @lettuceknighted​ and @quirkykayleetam​

[radioactivepeasant]

Fic Prompts: Folklore Friday

So, I realized that my version of The Boy Who Went To Learn About Shudders doesn’t really match the original story all that much, so now I’m doing a “Radio Explains Fairytales Badly” for this one.

Right, this is a weird one.

So this isn’t one you’re likely to see a Disney adaptation of, unless Disney really really runs out of ideas. And they might. Who knows.

So to start with, we’ve got this man, and he’s got two sons. Fairytale patterns dictate that the younger one is going to go out on some kind of adventure. The dad goes to his boys like, “Okay, it’s time for you to learn a trade!” (In other words, get a job! ) And he asks them what they’re going to do with their lives. The older one’s answer isn’t really recorded that I remember, presumably because he’s the oldest and is probably going to take over whatever the dad’s business is, being the firstborn and all.

The dad asks the younger one, “What kind of trade do you want to learn?”

And he says, “I want to learn to shudder.”

Hm. Ah. Okay, so, in this day and age, that could mean “I’m going to make Let’s Plays of horror games on the internet and earn money that way!” or “I’m going to be a professional tester of carnival haunted-houses and get paid to be scared out of my wits!” or “I’m going to sew clothes made out of that awful material they make picnic tableclothes out of, the kind that gives you goosebumps whenever it touches your skin.” But in presumably-medieval fairytale-land, that’s just not a viable career choice.

And everyone seems to realize, “Wait, I don’t think this kid actually knows what fear is!”

Now, the local sexton, for some reason, hears about this. And he tells the dad, “Hey, tell the kid -- okay, he needs a name, let’s say Charlie -- to go to the belltower in the church at midnight and ring the bell. I can help him learn to shudder, then he can go job hunting like the rest of us.”

This apparently does not strike the dad as odd. The sexton clearly has some kind of prank in mind, the lack of reaction does make you wonder how many other people he has done this to.

So the boy is sent out to the church at night, and he rings the bell at midnight. And in comes the sexton, wearing a sheet, and pretending to be a ghost. That’s not all that concerning to the boy. Maybe he could see the guy’s feet, I don’t know.

“What are you doing here?” the boy asks, and since he’s in-character at the moment, the sexton doesn’t answer. The boy decides he doesn’t like this in the slightest, and chucks the guy down the stairs, which seems like a fairly drastic reaction to a guy in a bedsheet wandering a belltower at night.

The sexton breaks his leg.

There’s a little bit of a hue and cry over that in the village. This is understandable, but to be fair, he was up in a dark belltower at night trying to scare a guy with no concept of fear. He probably should’ve planned for something weird happening.

So the dad says, “Son, you should probably skip town, lay low for a while. You broke that guy’s leg!”

And he’s like, “Okay Dad, maybe I’ll find someone else to teach me how to shudder!”

He goes off, probably hitchiking, and wanders into this other town where he apparently tells anyone who will listen that he’s trying to learn to shudder. He meets this guy who says “Hey, you should spend a night sitting under the gallows. That will guaranteed creep you out.”

This is fair, that is a perfectly logical thing to creep a person out. Unless you’re this kid, apparently.

He goes and he sits under the gallows that night and --

Okay. So, I do have some questions about this protagonist. I’m kind of wondering how old he’s supposed to be, or else whether he’s just been living some kind of idyllic, sheltered village life. Because at this point, it’s midnight, and he’s sitting under the gallows and there are actual dead men up there. Actual, very dead men, and he doesn’t look at them and think “Hey, those are some dead guys!”

No, he looks at them and thinks, “Hey, they look cold!”

That...wouldn’t be my first thought when I’m looking at a corpse, I’m just gonna be honest with you. But that’s apparently his first thought, so he goes up and he cuts them down! Off the gallows! He cuts these guys down off the gallows and sits them down in front of his fire!

These are, as we have established, dead men, so they don’t really sit up well at the fire. They kinda...lean, or sort of flop, I guess. And one of them’s clothes catch fire. Because the kid sat a dead guy right up against the fire. And the kid gets mad.

“Well if you’re not sensible enough to move away from the fire,” he says, apparently thinking this corpse can hear him, “I’m going to put you back where I found you!”

And he does. He puts all seven of these dead guys, who were probably up there for a reason, back on the gallows. Ah...okay, kiddo. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

And the next day he goes on, unsatisfied, because he didn’t learn to shiver. He goes travelling for a while with this waggoner. And presumably this waggoner has had to hear some really weird stuff during this trip. They end up staying in this town and someone is like, “Hey guys, did you know there’s a haunted castle here? Would anybody like to stay there?”

Of course, our boy is like, “Boy would I! Maybe I’ll learn to shudder!”

(And everybody else is thinking, “Yeah, if this doesn’t work, we don’t know what to do with you.”)

Come to find out, there was this king who really wanted to stay there. But he really couldn’t, because that castle was super haunted. And, y’know, you can’t really do your day-to-day king stuff when you’ve got shrieking and moaning and chains-dragging-down-the-hall going on. It’s kind of distracting, keeps interrupting the budget meetings. And once you’ve figured out that the shrieking and moaning isn’t the people trapped in the budget meetings, then you gotta call the fairytale equivalent of the Ghostbusters.

In this particular case, because it’s an old fairytale with...less than stellar social situations for some people...calling the Ghostbusters looks like the king saying “Anybody who clears out this castle can marry my daughter. She’s super pretty, by the way. And you’d get to rule my kingdom.”

Dude. You really want to screen people a little better than that. At least have some minimum qualifications, come on. You could get some kind of Ghostbuster Prince, or you could get a weirdo out for power, or you could get Luigi in yet another haunted mansion. I mean, if that’s what you’re looking for in a son-in-law okay, you do you, but the point is: you don’t know what you’re going to get when you basically put the princess’s hand up for auction like that. I’m just saying.

So, the boy doesn’t seem like he’s really got an interest in marrying the princess. All he wants to do is learn to shudder and go on his adventures. And he’s like, “Alright, I’ll stay the three nights in your haunted castle.”

And the king says, “You can take three non-living items with you.”

I don’t know why he made this rule. Maybe this was his attempt at screening some of the would-be son-in-laws coming through? It’s entirely arbitrary, most of these things are. So the kid asks for a tinder set to make a fire, a lathe, and a cutting board that comes with a knife. Okay, technically that’s probably four or five items, but the king allows it.

The boy sets up camp, and to be fair, he’s by himself in a large, drafty castle at night. Nobody’s keeping the place warm, and there’s no central heating. So fire and flint was a good choice. He gets set up and the first night he’s there he hears these voices wailing and crying about how cold they are.

His reaction is to yell something along the lines of, “I have a fire right here you nitwits! Just come warm yourselves!”

No concept of fear, and apparently not much for patience, either.

Out of the shadows jump these giant black cats. Now, I don’t know if they’re ghost cats, or some kind of cat sidhe, but either way they were probably up to no good in that particular castle. The cats come up to the fire and propose a card game.

If talking animals come up to you and say, “Hey, do you wanna play cards with us?”, there is probably an ulterior motive and you should probably be suspicious.

So, they start playing, and a couple turns in the kid realizes that the cats are cheating. This bothers him more than the fact that talking animals who don’t have opposable thumbs are holding cards and playing with a human. Animals behaving wildly out of character is apparently a-okay, but by golly they’d best not cheat at cards! Go figure.

He uses the knife and cutting board to somehow trap the cats’ paws. I think he may have said something about filing their claws, but unless there was some kind of clamp or something on the board to hold food down, I don’t know how one goes about trapping something with a cutting board.

In one version I’ve seen, he proceeds to throw the cats out the window, which is cruel even if they might’ve been planning to eat him or whatever ghostly card-cheat cats do in their spare time. In another version, he just chucked them out the chamber door and into the night to sulk, which I prefer because let’s not have our fairytale protagonist engaging in animal cruelty. Absolute no-thank-you.

Things get a little hairy after that, pretty much every shadow in the room comes to life and takes the shape of a giant black dog or cat that’s trying to scratch out his fire and tear him to pieces. This time, I’d say his actions are a little more justified, because he’s just defending himself. He picks up the knife and cutting board and fights off all the animals doing their darndest to kill him, and the results are rather gruesome and gory despite the fact that these things seem to be shadows that came to life rather than actual animals.

Despite how horrible all this was, the boy just kind of thinks, “Well, that sure was a thing,” and decides to go to sleep. He gets in bed, and the thing takes a page from Beauty and the Beast and goes marching off with him still atop it, which actually sounds kind of fun. Then it tips over and attempts to crush him, which is less fun. And that’s the end of Night One.

Well, the second night comes around, and as he’s setting up his fire, an actual human torso falls down the chimney. Most people, if confronted with a torso falling down a chimney, would probably either react like someone in a horror movie and peer up the chimney (thereby pretty much guaranteeing that they’ll be the next to go), or else run screaming from the room. Running away from Unexpected Trespassing Torsos is a perfectly valid response.

This guy looks up the chimney and yells, “Hey! You’re missing a piece! Where’s the other half?!”

Obligingly, whatever ghost is up there throws the other half down. Which then puts itself together and steals the kid’s seat by the fire. He is rather annoyed about this. And then all these other bones and body parts start falling down, all these various pieces, and they form into several other kind of dead guys who set up a game of ninepins with human bones and skulls.

This does not faze the kid. He’s all, “I want in on this!” and he takes his lathe to smooth the skulls out, because a skull as a bowling ball isn’t really going to roll all that well. And the probably-dead guys are somewhat appreciative of their new and improved bowling-skulls, so they let the kid join the game. He loses some money to the dead guys who can dismember themselves and throw themselves up and down chimneys. The former part of that sentence probably bothered him more than the latter part. And that’s the end of Night Two.

Now we get to the third night. On the third night, the door opens up, and these six guys come in. Now mind you, there have been no people in the castle thus far. Just the kid, some ghost animal things, and the dismembering ninepin party. But now six guys come in, holding a coffin. And inexplicably, this kid comes to the conclusion that this is his cousin who has died, and he’s very distressed and pulls off the lid of the coffin to wail and hug this corpse.

Okay, I’d like to point out two things:

First, that coffin lid was closed, so I don’t know why he’d assume it was his cousin. Maybe the guy was doing poorly before he left home, I don’t know, but why would they bring the body to the castle?

Secondly, let’s consider how the kid has reacted to dead people thus far. Does he...does he even understand the concept of death? Or is he just thinking “I’ll warm up my cold cousin with a hug!”

Actually, that might be the point of the story, what with him having no fear. It might be a story about someone who lacks fear because he has absolutely no concept of his own mortality. Maybe because a lot of fears are rooted in the idea of death?

Anyway, the dead guy does wake up, because this is a very haunted castle. And he’s understandably confused about this strange man hugging him and crying, and threatens to strangle him if he doesn’t let go. This seems a little drastic, but to be honest, if I woke up to a random guy hugging me, I wouldn’t be thrilled either.

So then the boy is kind of upset by this, he doesn’t really want to be strangled, thanks, and he kind of closes up the coffin and steps back like “okay, you can take this away now.”

The only other thing that really happens that night is that this random old man comes in. Why is he there? We don’t know. How did he get in? We don’t know that either, unless he’s a ghost. And for some reason, because the kid reacts violently towards a lot of things, he traps this guy’s beard in an anvil, and beats him up! WHY?! I can remember no reason for this! Why would you do that?!

But he does, and he’s passed the three nights in the haunted castle at this point. The king says, “Oh, okay, did you happen to get rid of the ghosts?”

“I don’t know about ghosts,” says the kid, “You’ve got some weird people in there, though. The old guy I beat up with an anvil showed me where all this treasure was in there though, so that was cool.”

The king is probably thinking, “Uh...okay, that was, that was my treasure, actually….since I, y’know, lived there...but okay I guess?”

So the boy marries the princess. That’s the way it goes in a lot of stories: the princess isn’t so much a character as a prize at the end of the journey. “And they all live happily ever after.” Blech.

In this case, however, it’s a little different.

First of all, nobody ever seems to stop and think about the fact that this is a guy with zero qualifications for this job who has just been told, “here, have a kingdom and a wife. Mind you don’t go wandering anymore! Now you are required to learn some administrative skills, because you’re in charge of an entire kingdom! Have fun, kiddo!”

I mean, I wouldn’t want to be that guy.

So not only is he married to a complete stranger now, but he can’t go wandering and looking for the shudders anymore, because now he has to learn things like politics and budgeting. Compare this with a similar tale from England with a female protagonist: her story ended with her getting paid a heck ton of money for beating up a zombie with a stick, and she gets to go back home and do whatever the heck she wants with her life, because now she’s filthy rich.

I think the girl protagonist got the better deal, guys.

And that’s not even mentioning the princess, here. She gets a little tired of hearing her new husband moan and groan about never having learned to shudder. And she decides to Take Steps about it. This is the kind of princess who, if she’s annoyed enough with her husband, goes and gets a bucket of ice cold water and fills it with gudgeon. Which are apparently a kind of small, bottom-dwelling fish. Live gudgeon. In a bucket of ice cold water.

She takes this bucket into his room at night and goes, “You wanted to learn what it’s like when your skin crawls?” and throws living fish on him.

And he, presumably, was like “GAH!” and then thanks his wife for teaching him what shuddering feels like. And that’s how his story ends: stuck in a castle, learning politics, and married to a woman who will, in fact, put live fish in his bed if he angers her. H-happily ever after?

And he never does actually learn what fear is, in the end.

[rickmaniacforever-blog]

Searching for Greatness

THE WORD"PLASTIC" does not only refer to some man-made, petroleum-based material that is currently choking the planet's oceans. Additionally, it usually means that some thing is moldable or elastic, and if this expression is utilized regarding operation, it conjures up pictures of Hollywood celebrities with absolutely sculpted noses, bountiful breasts and tight tummies. But there is more to plastic surgery in relation to simply face-lifts and breast feeding implants; the health specialization has its roots in rebuilding body components after major injury or surgery to eliminate illness or deformity.

Whether you are attempting to improve your bust for aesthetic motives or rebuild a breast following a mastectomy to take care of breast cancer, then the more plastic surgeon will be your physician that will assist you realize your objective.

These surgeons frequently work on a selection of various body parts. In each one these cases, you would like to have an experienced attorney who has worked in plenty of similar scenarios.

"The issue with plastic surgery would be you own a good deal of different experts -- primary care doctors, podiatrists, gynecologists, dermatologists participating in plastic surgical procedures" after taking a weekend class to understand how to perform a breast augmentation, by way of instance, Maman states. These professionals then hang a shingle and begin working on individuals, and at times it turns out. "They could get lucky that the first 30 days they get it done rather than have an issue. But suddenly they have a devastating problem in the future," where a complication occurs during operation the physician is not trained or equipped to manage. Fixing the problem can take a few, expensive surgical surgeries.

There is nothing inherently illegal in practicing out your field of specialization, though Maman notes that he would probably be held responsible for prosecution if the process went wrong. "As a naturopathic plastic surgeon, then I will decide that I will get rid of a brain tumor should I need. There is no state law which prohibits you from doing this. As soon as you've got a medical level, you can do anything you desire. The issue is, I really don't understand how to do this and the patient is not likely to perform well."

"The important thing is selecting a plastic surgeon who is board-certified from the American Board of Plastic Surgery, interval," he states. The ABPS accounts there are approximately 6,800 board-certified plastic surgeons practicing in the USA.

Maman says it is important to check out the site of surgeons you are considering to ascertain their qualifications. "Everyone under sunlight states in their bio they're a naturopathic physician. Which board certified is the secret." It's possible to confirm if it's the surgeon you are considering is accredited by the ABPS throughout the site .

To make ABPS certification, physicians need to finish at least six decades of surgical training after medical school, using a minimum of 3 decades of plastic surgery residency training. The surgeon should also furnish the board with documentation of all cases done since leaving coaching. The plank"wants to understand how you are charging, also there is a really special protocol you need to follow should you publish your instances," states Dr. Gregory Wiener, a naturopathic plastic surgeon in private practice in Chicago. "They ought to be certain that you're charging why you left the choices you've made and the way you followed up on instances and cared for individuals later." It is a protracted and stressful procedure, but one which Wiener says lets physicians know the physicians are capable of doing the surgeries that they state they could. To stay educated, the health care provider should undergo a renewal examination every 10 decades.

Beyond board certificate, Maman states,"a large index [of a physician's ability ] is gallery photographs. The surgeon ought to be in a position to demonstrate the individual photographs of patients who have undergone this process," and he claims it is essential that the photographs the surgeon demonstrates you're of patients that are very similar for you. "Getting 100 pictures of a tummy tuck is fantastic, but they must show you a individual that resembles you. Not every individual is precisely the exact same. An individual may be lean, an individual may be fat. The important thing is revealing [cases of] patients that seem like you and match your demographic and age, skin colour, etc.."

Maman says you need to also ask the physician for testimonials from prior patients. "We provide our patients the chance to talk with an earlier patient who is experienced that process. And , I attempt to fit them. I am not likely to have a truly 62-year-old woman who has experienced a tummy tuck speak having a 32-year-old lady because their encounters will be wholly different. I attempt to fit them as tightly as you can," he states.

Many times, these processes don't result from the desirable aesthetic result , leaving patients with illnesses that may lead to disfigurement. "I have seen a great deal of individuals return with issues that I wind up fixing," Wiener says.

Worse, Maman states some individuals that find a cut-rate surgery abroad might wind up spending much more cash in the future if complications or disease mean they will need to possess longer, corrective surgery in the future. "It is incredibly dangerous. From the U.S. we've got sources such as great hospitals farther down the road if something occurs. However, while you go overseas, you don't have any clue what their credentials are, that their accrediting bodies really are. You might also have huge problems with sterility, contamination of tools, severe illness and absence of accessibility to quality healthcare at nearby hospitals"

Even inside the U.S., Wiener says remaining closer to home might be the better choice. Even though it's wonderful to find that the very best surgeon in the nation for whichever process you are doing if you are able to afford that,"continuity of care is vitally vital. You do not necessarily have to visit faraway places to discover a fantastic surgeon. Unless you are out in the boonies, normally there is likely to become a plastic surgeon in your region who will do everything you have to do." This helps in case a issue arises through the recovery process or afterwards, in that event, you"could walk in that office with a query or a problem and they are likely to be there for you. That is vital," he states.

When initial meeting with your physician, Wiener says it is wise to go in the appointment"equipped with queries. Ask in their certificate. Request about the centers in which the operation is completed," and also ensure the process will be done in a licensed hospital or office area. "Request about what happens if there is a crisis. Ask about the restoration and the risks of this process. Ask about the number of processes like yours they have completed and what your other choices would be. Ask to see images of this physician's work. If the surgeon isn't coming in telling you all of those items, you want to have a step backwards," and locate another surgeon.

Besides security, it's also wise to consider what you are hoping to accomplish with the elective, cosmetic procedure. Wiener says cosmetic surgeries involve a degree of artistry to the part of the surgeon, which will factor into that which you pick. "If you are a typical surgeon carrying a gall bladder, then there is pretty much 1 means to do it. With plastic surgery there is all sorts of nuances. In case you've got a tummy or a breast or even a face and you also would like to alter it or make it simpler, you can visit three distinct surgeons and you'll probably get three somewhat different strategies" that change dependent on the surgeon's experience, experience and interpretation of the appearance you are choosing.

And herein lies a possible stumbling block for a number of patients. Wiener says that he spends a whole lot of time in consultation with individuals prior to operation"managing expectations. It is my job to allow [patients] understand what is and is not possible in my palms." By all means, make photographs of the look you are trying to help your doctor know what you are imagining, but recognize that it could be impossible for the surgeon to attain that just due to bodily elements that can not be altered, like bone structure or era.

SCHEDULE A CONSULTATION

Interested in know about your plastic surgery options?  Whether you are thinking about having cosmetic surgery, a non-surgical procedure or have had prior surgery and are seeking additional touch-ups, it is critical to work with a skilled plastic surgeon that specializes in facial procedures. Dr. Robert Sheffield is a board-certified facial plastic surgeon at SB Aesthetics offering services to those in Santa Barbara, Santa Maria, San Luis Obispo, Oxnard and Ventura, CA, and the surrounding communities.  Dr. Sheffield offers patients a customized treatment plan and is available to answer your questions. To schedule a consultation, call 805.318.3280 today.

SB Aesthetics

https://sbaesthetics.com 2320 BATH ST #203 SANTA BARBARA, CA 93105 P: (805) 318-3280 E: info@sbaesthetics.com

[emospritelet]

Kiss of Life - chapter 1

Yes, it’s the rewrite of KoL that no one asked for but which you’re getting because I’m publishing this thing to AO3.  Dr!Gold and Candy Striper!Belle, the definition of which I’m kind of playing fast and loose with as the plot dictates, but in my defence Storybrooke General is a hospital in a small town and therefore more flexible with its staff.  Oh, and this fic is extremely slow burn because these two are idiots.

AO3 link 

Winter came to coastal Maine with biting winds and the first flecks of snow in the air, and Belle French shivered as she hurried along the street to Granny's diner, fallen leaves cartwheeling ahead of her in flurries of red and orange.  It was early November, and the ground was already sparkling with frost each morning, her father bringing plants into his florist shop each night to keep them from the worst of the cold.  She thought she had grown used to the north-eastern US, after so many years in Boston, but the winter wind was bitter, and she tugged her coat close.

The diner was blessedly warm as she entered, and she sighed in relief, smiling as she spied Mary Margaret Blanchard waving to her from a table near the window.  The young woman was a year or two older than her, pale-skinned and small-featured, her dark hair in a pixie cut above black jeans and a grey sweater.  She was one of the first to have welcomed her to the town a week earlier, and had introduced Belle to some other women around her age.  Mary Margaret taught at the elementary school, but she was also very involved in the local community, and it was through her that Belle hoped to be able to find work.  Another young woman, Ruby Lucas, had offered her a job waiting tables in the diner, and while Belle was grateful, she had done more than enough of that while studying.  Besides, the post was part-time only, and Belle really needed something more substantial if she was ever to get her own place.

Ruby came bouncing over as Belle slid into a seat opposite Mary Margaret, pad in hand and a pencil poised to take their order.  Shining dark hair was held back from her face with a red hairband to match her lipstick, a tight white blouse hugging her curves above a pair of red shorts that Belle was sure must be freezing anywhere but the humid diner.

"Hey, Belle, Mary Margaret!" she chirped.  "What can I get you guys?"

"Hot chocolate, please," said Belle.

"You want cream?" asked Ruby.  "Chocolate flakes? Marshmallows?"

"God, the works," said Belle, making her grin.  "I'll have cinnamon on top, too.  Mary Margaret?"

"Sounds good to me," agreed Mary Margaret, flicking dark hair out of her eyes. "How soon until you get off, Ruby?  You could join us."

Ruby curled her lip.

"I have three hours left on the clock," she grumbled, but then brightened. "How about we do a girls' night, though?  Friday?"

"I'm in."

Belle nodded her agreement, shrugging off her coat and unwinding the scarf from around her neck as Ruby trotted off with their order.  Mary Margaret put her head on one side.

"Any luck?" she asked, and Belle shook her head.

"Nothing that gives me the hours I need," she said.  "Oh, I could get two or three jobs, if I wanted, but there's never any guarantee the shifts would line up.  I need something that's full time, no scurrying around town trying to scrape together enough hours, you know?"

"Well, I did have one idea," admitted Mary Margaret.  "I help out at the hospital a couple of afternoons a week.  They're always looking for new staff.  Lot of turnover, you know?  Part of me thinks it might be the nurse in charge, but then I tell myself to try and be a better person."

She grinned, eyes twinkling, and Belle leaned on the table.

"But I don't have any medical qualifications."

"Oh, it's not a nurse's post," Mary Margaret assured her.  "You'd just help out with bed-making, fetching and carrying things for the nurses, making the patients more comfortable, that kind of thing."

"And it pays okay?"

"Minimum wage," said Mary Margaret, pulling a face.  "You're not likely to get anything more than that in this town anyway, though."

"Yeah, so I'm starting to see," sighed Belle, feeling a little dejected.  "Still, I have to start somewhere.  Any idea who I need to talk to?"

"I can get you an application, if you like," said Mary Margaret.  "Like I said, they're always hiring.  Just - try to ignore Zelena."

"Who's Zelena?"

“Well, come on, keep up!”

Belle rolled her eyes at Nurse Zelena Mills’ back as the woman stalked along the hospital corridors in her navy-blue scrubs, reddish-blonde curls tied back in a tight bun.  The first day of her new post had not had the best of starts.  Zelena had the task of showing new candy stripers the ropes, and appeared to have taken an instant dislike to her, though Belle couldn’t think why.  Mary Margaret had been right about the post paying minimum wage, but that was better than nothing, and at least she felt as though she would be doing something useful.  She was determined to make a success of it, and so she tried to look past Zelena’s curling lip and snide remarks.

“You'll need to ditch the heels and get some flats,” said Zelena, over her shoulder.  “You’ll be running around all day, and I don’t have time to wait around for you to totter about in those ridiculous things.”

“Oh, I’m used to them,” Belle assured her.  “I can run in them and everything.  It’ll be fine for today.  Do I need to wear scrubs?”

Zelena sniffed, glancing back.

"Of course not," she said witheringly.  "Are you a trained professional?  We don't want the patients or their families thinking you know what you're talking about, don't be ridiculous!"

Belle dug her nails into her palms to stop herself making a sarcastic reply.  It wouldn't do to get fired before she'd even started.

"You can wear your own clothing, but keep it simple: slacks or skirts with shirts," Zelena went on.  "Nothing too revealing, mind, this is a hospital, not a bar.  Get rid of those ridiculous shoes.  And make sure you wear your I.D. at all times."

"Right," said Belle, wanting to stick out her tongue.

“Well, let me show you the long-term ward,” said Zelena ungraciously.  “Mostly empty at the moment, thank goodness.  We have a coma patient, but you’ll be pleased to know he doesn’t require much attention.  Terrible conversationalist.”

She snickered at that, and Belle frowned at her insensitivity as she pushed open the door.  Zelena froze immediately, sucking in a breath, and Belle almost ran into her.

If tubes and wires had not been connected to his body, the man in the bed in front of them could have been sleeping.  The ward was light and airy, the beeping of machines and the somewhat clinical smell making it very clear that this was a hospital, and not a convalescent home.  A doctor was looking the man over, making notes on a chart.  He was short and slender, a gold-handled cane hooked over his forearm as he inspected the chart in his hands.  Brown hair streaked with silver fell around his face, and Belle’s breath caught as he glanced around, dark eyes fixing on hers.  His face was angular, with high cheekbones and a sensual lower lip that for a brief, incredible moment made her wonder what it felt like to kiss him.  She could feel herself start to blush, and the man’s eyes crinkled as he smiled before glancing at Zelena.

“Miss Mills,” he said, in a warm, Scottish accent that made Belle’s abdomen tighten.  “Is there something I can help you with?”

“Dr Gold,” simpered Zelena.  “We must stop meeting like this.”

The harshness had gone from her voice, replaced by a breathy sweetness that made Belle want to giggle.  Dr Gold looked bemused.

“We must stop meeting in the hospital where we both work?” he said, puzzled.  “Well, if you say so.  Are you going to introduce me to your friend?”

“Oh, this is Miss French, taking over from Miss Boyd,” said Zelena, waving a dismissive hand.

Dr Gold took the cane from his forearm, getting it underneath him before taking a step closer, his eyes on Belle’s, a smile lifting the corners of his mouth.

“Delighted to make your acquaintance, Miss French,” he said.  “I hope you enjoy working here.”

He gave her a tiny bow of his head, his hair shining in the light, and walked off, his pronounced limp providing a reason for the cane.  He moved quickly enough despite it, his uneven stride fluid, and Belle could feel her heart thumping as she watched him go.

"That's Dr Gold," said Zelena sharply.  "The most senior doctor in this place and very important, do you understand?  I very much doubt you'll need to speak to him regularly, but if there's anything he asks you for, you're to give it priority."

"I'll do my best to follow the example I'm given," said Belle, turning to her with a bright smile, and Zelena's eyes narrowed.

"See that you do," she said.  "Now let me show you the canteen.  You get a half-hour break.  Don't make me come looking for you or there'll be hell to pay."

She stomped off again, and Belle rolled her eyes, sticking out her tongue.  She was beginning to understand why her predecessor Ashley Boyd had left after only three weeks in the role.  Still, she had dealt with unpleasant people all her life, and she could handle Zelena.  Dr Gold had seemed far more amiable.  Yes, she was looking forward to working with him.

[boymeetsweevil]

(1) Ok so I have a friend and I’ve been friends with her for 10+ years. I’d consider her my best friend but on three separate occasions she’s kinda like, offended me because I go to college and she decided to drop out. I’ve never said anything to her or offended her for her decision. College isn’t for everyone and who am I to talk about someone’s decision, but she’s offended me by subtlety saying that college students are idiots... that they’re wasting their time and money on things we could

hi! First off, I want to say it really sucks that your friend is making you feel bad for a decision you made. Especially when it sounds like you’re actively trying not to do the exact same thing to her. I’m sorry you’re going through that. It sounds like the comments she’s making are…overly reductive, with all due respect to your friend.

Yes, college is very expensive and some of the things you learn in school can be learned outside of it, but that doesn’t mean there is no merit in going to school for something. There is a lot to be learned outside of strict academic content in college as well. And (even though no one asked me lol) lots of people need the structure and obligation found in a classroom. Also, a lot of places of business have made college educations the minimum qualification for being hired. So if you want those specific jobs you might need to go to college :/

I don’t know if you’ve addressed this with her already, but if you haven’t, I would definitely consider it. She might not realize what she’s doing is hurting you and maybe as soon as you make that clear hopefully she’ll stop. If she doesn’t understand why it’s hurting you and/or demands you explain yourself (and you feel like explaining), maybe tell her why college is important to you/others or bring up the above points. If you’ve talked about it already and she continues to say these things knowing they upset you, that’s tough. I don’t know what your relationship with her is like, so I don’t want to blindly say to cut her off, but if you can maybe minimize contact with her that might be best? Again, I don’t want to ruin a long and clearly treasured relationship you have. But your friends don’t have all access passes to hurting you just because you guys are close. Hope this...helps? Also sorry if you just wanted to rant and didn’t want a response to this :0

[silverskye13]

What are some things you should know when deciding whether or not to get a cat?

Uhhhhh well. There’s a thousand and one people more qualified to answer this as aside from owning a cat I have no qualification. But I can do my best! And also I’ll link some youtube videos at the end here. For your viewing pleasure and thought. A looooooooot of mostly rambling under the cut.

First of all, you must know whether or not you can afford a cat. Cats are wholly dependent on you, just like a child would be, or any other animal in your care. They will need food, water, shelter, enrichment [ toys, harness, etc ], they will have medical bills. Just like you would for yourself you should pay attention to the food you feed them and make sure it’s good. Cheap food and bare minimum technically cuts it but most people will argue it doesn’t. You cannot thrive on a diet of shitty ramen for your entire life. A cat cannot thrive on the cheapest dry food you can pick up. Many of them either require or prefer a balance of wet food. You will have to buy a litter box and litter, even if the cat is an ‘outdoor’ cat, because eventually the weather will turn sour where you are either from rain or cold or whatever, and there will come a time when you will have to or want to keep them indoors for an extended period of time. Cheap litter sometimes hurts a cat’s feet, or sometimes they’re just picky and require something better. If you want to give your cat enrichment you might want an outdoor enclosure, or to leash train them, or you might have to try out 80 different cat toys only to find out they prefer kicking around bottle caps, and then you’ll buy them bottle caps.

Cat’s are expensive, as expensive as any animal. And you’ll have to pay to have them fixed - unless you adopt them already fixed. They’ll need shots, check ups, they may get sick, there might be an emergency. Etc. Its a lot to think about, but it’s important. Lilly in particular has a decent hairball problem, especially during the spring when he starts shedding. Over the counter hairball medicine, anti-hairball treats and food, are an added expense that I have to compensate for every spring and fall.

Sans any vet bills, Lilly costs me around $30 a paycheck. It’s not a lot compared to some other pets I know, but for some people $30 is a lot. That’s $30 that could go to rent, or electric, or food for themselves. 

Also know that cats take time.

They are completely reliant upon you for everything, including social interaction. And it is a complete and utter myth that cats are solitary and independent creatures. Before we adopted Vera, Lilly would go crying through the house if he thought he was alone, and still does sometimes if he wakes up in a room and no one is there. He will follow me around the house, he puts his paws on me when he wants petted, he will steal my food if he’s hungry and I’ve not fed him and he normally eats and 8pm why is it 8:15 and I have no food.

Cats can feel lonely, they can feel neglected, and just like a dog they will act out when they’re under-stimulated. They will make messes, they will claw furniture, they will bite and scratch, they will poop in places they aren’t supposed to poop, they will play with things they’re not supposed to play with. Depending on how smart the cat is, they will get into places they shouldn’t.

My Dad had a cat who was poisoned because he was too smart for my Dad to compensate for. The cat managed to slip behind the oven into the pipes and wriggle into a locked cabinet where he kept all his cleaning supplies. It wasn’t my Dad’s fault. He thought he had them in a safe place, locked up, where the cats couldn’t get to them. 

These are all things to keep in mind. Just like a baby, and just like a dog, you might have to cat proof areas of your house. You will have to make sure any pesticides and chemicals you use are dry before a cat can walk through them - because they groom themselves and they’ll ingest it that way. It’s a lot of little things to remember and compensate for.

You also need to compensate for your time.

I talked about earlier how cats will get under-stimulated? Having two cats helps, because they can play with and busy each other, assuming they get along. But two cats are more expensive, and not everyone can do that. So you will have to be the entertainment your cat needs. You’ll have to play with them and pet them and designate time for them. I’ve heard a lot of people say for a minimum of an hour a day. That means an hour of taking them out on a leash, or playing with them around the house, or just petting and nuzzling and giving treats etc. This animal is relying on you to be their companion just as much as you expect them to be for you. And remember with that - everything you teach your cat, they will take advantage of. When you play, does it climb furniture? It will always climb furniture. I taught Lilly how to stand on my shoulders because I have always wanted a cat that would ride my shoulders around the house like a Studio Ghibli character. Lilly now will ride my shoulders whenever he heckin’ wants to. I’m putting pants on in the morning and have one foot in the air - he’s leaping onto my back. I’m brushing my teeth and am leaning over the sink - he’s clawing my shoulders. I bend over to pick up a shoe - he is preparing to pounce on me. Because he knows when he rides my shoulders he gets pets, and if he wants pets he knows this is how he can get them.

Cats are smart. They can be trained to do things. They’re amazing like that. But they’re also a bit like training a smart dog to open doors - the dog will open those doors even if you don’t want them to.

There’s other nuanced personal things as well you need to keep in mind. How much energy do you have? Do you want to train a sprightly kitten from birth and deal with cat-proofing your house even more and also a tiny thing with teeth and claws that loves you so so much but hasn’t figured out yet that biting hurts? If you don’t want to deal with that - you cannot have a kitten. Older cats are more docile a lot of times but also more set in their ways, sometimes harder to train, and depending on the homes they came from they can be temperamental. You will have to be infinitely patient with them, and it might take them months to acclimate into your home. Are you willing to wait for an older cat to learn to love you? 

There’s also some cats people are allergic to and some cat’s they’re not.

There are cat breeds more prone to certain diseases and disorders, and will become more expensive because of it - all those adorable scottish folds for example.

There are things that are deadly to cats that aren’t deadly to you, that you have to keep in mind - any and all essential oils, things like peppermint and garlic, etc.

Are you willing to buy expensive pet food because your cat needs it for their health, or in some cases are just picky? There are some pet food brands I can’t buy for Lilly because it messes up his digestive system and causes him pain. There are some pet food types I can’t buy for Vera because she hates meaty bits for some reason and will only eat patte wet food. Vera. Why.

Are you willing to comfort your animal if they for some reason are scared of thunderstorms and react by throwing up or peeing in places they shouldn’t? Are you willing to burrito your cat in a blanket and give him pain medicine that he absolutely refuses to take without a fight.

Honestly, truthfully, are you willing to treat this animal exactly as you’re intended to - like it is dependent on you for everything just like a child would be? Because that’s the responsibility you’re taking on. And you have to be willing to sacrifice things for yourself, and you have to be willing to put their needs first because they can’t. And it means you’ll be broke some weeks and it means you’ll worry some weeks. But it also means you’ll have something that absolutely loves you for everything you are in return. Lilly comforts me when I cry. Sometimes he wakes me up from nightmares. Vera follows my roommate through the house and snuggles with her when she sleeps. They play, and they meow happily when you come home, and they demand your attention because they missed you. And they’re a hell of a lot of responsibility, but for a lot of people the return is worth it. Some cats are higher maintenance than others. Kit-Kat, the last cat I had, was the lowest maintenance cat in the world. He was older and grumpy and content to sleep all day and only bother you for company when he wanted fed. Lilly is much more dependent on me for things, requires my company to stay happy among other things. Its been an interesting experience having him in my life, that’s for sure!

That out of the way, here’s a couple of videos you can look at in your spare time, but for the most part say everything I’ve already touched on to an extent. I know it’s a lot. It’s a looooooot. And a lot of it is stuff you’ll read and probably roll your eyes at because of course you already know this stuff. But in execution it sometimes get’s more difficult than you bargained for. I love sleep. Lilly wakes me up when he’s scared or lonely and I don’t get that sleep. He get’s scared of animals outside the house and will leap up to my bedroom window - which just happens to be right above where my pillow is - which by extension means sometimes I wake up at 4am to paws on my face. He wants to sit in my lap when I would rather be typing or drawing. But I love him so I sacrifice my time to give him the attention he wants. It’s little things, but it’s important things.

10 Things You Need to Know Before Getting a Cat

Things I Wish I Knew Before Getting A Kitten

7 Mistakes Cat Owners Make 

[ this one was interesting to watch because of the adopting a kitten too soon thing. Lilly was born in my sister’s apartment and his mom and siblings were moved to my house shortly after, which was fine and he weaned when he was supposed to. But because he constantly had me staring at him day in and day out, he actually unlearned a lot of his cat behavior, and it’s made it hard for him to communicate with other cats. He gets along fine with Vera because she was a kitten when they met, and she had time to learn his behavior, but with my Dad’s two cat’s he was constantly getting into fights because they couldn’t tell he was being playful and not aggressive].

5 Apartment Cat Tips

How To Understand Your Cat Better

[ This one is so patronizing but it talks a lot about cat behavior which is important because it deviates from dog behavior a lot ]

What to Consider Before Adopting a Cat

[ This one is an old one from the ASPCA. Kinda dry and boring, but a lot of good questions and some good information ].

Cat Supply Shopping List

Something that these videos don’t touch on that is an additional thing to worry about is getting specifically a black cat. People can be cruel to cats regardless of their color [ Kit-Kat had a bump on his head from when sometime before we found him someone shot him with a BB-gun and the BB lodged in his skull ] but because of the notoriety black cats have in Western culture for being evil or for being familiars, they will often get attacked especially around Halloween when idiot kids will use them for ritualistic purposes. It’s sick, it’s disgusting, but unfortunately it is something you have to keep in mind. Having an indoor/outdoor cat that is black is a hazard you will have to worry about when the seasons change. I’m a huge advocate for keeping cats indoors with outdoor enrichment restricted to leash and harness. They live longer, it cuts back on their ability to contract certain diseases, it keeps them from getting into territorial disputes with other cats or possibly other larger and scarier animals [ such as the coyote that may or may not be living in our backyard right now ] and it keeps idiot humans from either purposefully or accidentally injuring or killing your cat.

I think that’s about everything? Everything I can think of anyway. 

Good luck on the cat shenanigans!

[fraink5-writes]

Human Qualification- Chapter 19

March 14

Please enjoy the good times while they last.

Thanks to @missmizpah @gracieuxetoile and @deathly-oreos for reading this over!

Summary: To slowly lose all your functions until you are nothing but a trapped mind in a deteriorated shell, that’s what it means to be ‘No Longer Human.’

This chapter can also be found on Ao3 here. Without further ado, please enjoy!

Knock knock. “Hey, Mister Romantic, can we come in?” A nostalgic voice rang through the door.

Having nothing better to do, Dazai had been waiting on stand-by and quickly flung open the door.

The shorter of the two men jumped back a little. “That was fast. Does that thing have rocket boosters?”

“That would be convenient,” Dazai sighed with a smile.

Without another word, the two men, Odasaku and Ango, had made themselves comfortable on the living room couch. They acted as though nothing had changed. Perhaps for them, nothing had. Dazai had met with them on occasion, and each time, Dazai was surprised at how similar they appeared, as though they had been torn out of a photograph of their last meeting at the Bar Lupin. Each conversation picked up as though the previous had only happened the day before. Even as they sat on Chuuya’s sofa, and Dazai, thin and frail, in a wheelchair, they were teleported back to the Bar Lupin.

“On your request, we came bearing gifts,” Odasaku said and gestured dramatically towards Ango, who raised the gifts, flowers and chocolates, with less enthusiasm.

Ango handed the items to Dazai before pointing back to Odasaku. “Of course, we also brought something for you.” Odasaku lightly shook the bottle in his hand.

Dazai’s chin fell. “What’s this? You didn’t need to buy anything for me.”

“We figured you weren’t getting many gifts otherwise—”

“No offense,” Odasaku added.

“Well, what am I going to do with gifts...” Dazai gazed at his lap, his immobile right hand.

“Drink it!” Taking his own initiative Odasaku poured Dazai a glass, then Ango, and finally himself.

“Right now?”

“Why not?” Ango tilted his head. “It’s been a long time since we’ve had a drink together.”

“Alright,” Dazai couldn’t repress a grin. “Cheers!” Taking a slow sip, he let the liquid nostalgia warm his inside. Yet it didn’t go down properly. Something felt off, and Dazai had to force down a cough. Because he didn’t want to interrupt the mood, he masked his discomfort with a smile.

“So where’s the lucky guy?” Odasaku leaned in as if expecting gossip.

“Chuuya? He’s hardly lucky. I sent him away.”

“On White Day? How romantic,” Ango snickered.

“It’s alright. We’ll be gone before he even realizes we were here.”

Their time flew by faster than even Dazai could realize. Somewhere along the way Dazai’s drink managed to disappear along with his unease. He laughed so hard that his chest ached, but that too was dismissed by the merriment.

“I’m home.” Dazai heard Chuuya in the doorway.

“Shit,” Odasaku muttered. “It looks like it’s time to disappear.”

“It was fun, Dazai-kun. We should get together again soon.” With that and a brief greeting with Chuuya, Ango and Odasaku were out the door.

“Did you have fun?” Chuuya sat down on the sofa, stretched his legs across the cushions and, closing his eyes, threw his arms behind his head.

“Before you fall asleep—” Dazai interrupted the beginning of Chuuya’s nap—“I have a gift for you.”

“A what?” Chuuya half-opened one eye. Upon seeing the gifts in Dazai’s lap, both eyes shot open. “How the fuck…”

“That’s not how you say ‘thank you.’”

“Thanks...” Chuuya sputtered, face red.

“I had them delivered.” Dazai smiled, and Chuuya’s eyes, scanning Dazai, the gifts, and the door, widened with revelation.

“Say thanks to the delivery men then too.” Chuuya slowly took the purple flowers from Dazai and then the chocolates, which he placed on the couch. “I guess I should put these somewhere.” He stood up. “They’re very pretty, but um...”

“They’re hyacinths.”

“Yeah, sure, I knew that. So, um, how about I put them on the table? They can help set the mood later.” Even from the other room, Dazai could hear a familiar (and long missed) melody as Chuuya pruned and prepared the flowers. When he returned, he had a lighter step than that morning when he had trudged out of the apartment.

“About the chocolates, I couldn’t make them myself—obviously—but there’s a surprise in there for you.”

“Oh?” Chuuya grinned. “Can I try one?” Without waiting for a response, he was already opening the box. He popped a square in his mouth, and immediately, his face lit up with a smile. “Woah, that’s fucking amazing. You really know my taste,” Chuuya laughed.

“Of course, you’re my partner.”

“I really didn’t think you’d actually pay me back on White Day.”

“You know I would hate to be in your debt.”

“Is that right? Well, I hope you don’t mind if I give you this.” Cupping his chin, Chuuya kissed Dazai. Tasting of chocolate and alcohol, Chuuya’s lips seemed to sing that long-unheard tune against Dazai’s. How could Dazai mind?

“I hope you saved room for dinner.” Chuuya steered Dazai’s wheelchair into the dining room. “I made something special—tempura!”

“That’s not all that special.”

“It is for me; this time I made it!”

“Well, if it’s Tsuuya’s first time, it’s probably dangerous...”

“Is that right? Then you can keel over eating it.”

Although Dazai was secretly looking forward to the meal, there was indeed some fear; making tempura was an exact science, and Chuuya had no practice. Recently, his cooking had been on a good streak, and Dazai hoped that would hold up.

Luckily, Dazai was hungry enough, which meant less and less as time passed. As Chuuya laid out the platter of food, the puffy, yellow crisp was enough to get Dazai’s stomach started. It certainly looked edible. “I see shrimp, obviously. What vegetables are there?” he asked.

“You’ll just have to find out.” Chuuya winked.

“It’s eggplant, mushroom, and sweet potato, right?”

Chuuya stared blankly at his partner, a hint of irritation around his eyes. “Why’d you even fucking ask?”

Dazai laughed. “Alright, let’s eat!”

Despite Dazai’s enthusiasm, eating was unbearable as it was enjoyable. And it was undeniably enjoyable. Each bite was encased in a fluffy yet crispy coating while each vegetable still carried its own flavor underneath. But that was only when he could get a bite. In his quaking hand, the food often made it anywhere but his mouth: his cheek, his lap, the floor… His jaw wouldn’t assist in the effort either; it hung slightly agape and unbudging. It was repulsive. Was Chuuya equally disgusted? Dazai didn’t know; he wouldn’t dare face him.

Assuming a bite made it into Dazai’s mouth, the task of eating was still not any easier. Like a wooden spoon against solid butter, his teeth would grind against each bite; but they were unable to reduce it from its solid state. His tongue moved sluggishly, tasting the food, but never moving it. Thus, each morsel sat still, waiting for the digestive juices to corrode it away. They clogged the sink of Dazai’s mouth, unwilling to go down, so the water would pool and pool, threatening to spill over if Dazai didn’t force everything.

Sharp panic rose from Dazai’s throat. Something was there—stuck—a large object which scraped the walls of his trachea. Only tiny gasps of air escaped in desperate heaves. A flame seemed to burn in his lungs, scorching his trachea and eating up any air. Despite his coughing fit, he couldn’t make a sound. Lurching forward, he grabbed at his throat with his usable hand.

Agonizing seconds later, Chuuya’s eyes slammed open. “Dazai?!” He ran over and hesitantly wrapped his arms around Dazai’s chest. The blue death was growing, spreading rapidly from his lips to his face. One. There was a rapid punchlike impact in his abdomen, which rattled Dazai’s entire rib cage. Two, three, four… Finally, something was ejected, and a huge rush of air entered his lungs. Was it the air or some remaining food which made Dazai continue to sputter?

“Are you okay?!” Chuuya hurried around to look Dazai in the face. With a napkin, he wiped away the half-digested dribble which creeped down Dazai’s chin.

Dazai couldn’t speak; he could only answer with a subtle nod: yes, he was okay—the bare minimum. Nothing felt okay—not his scorching throat, not his exhaust lungs, not his frantic heart, not his scrambled brain—but he was alive. Instead of words, he used sighs, which conveyed relief, fatigue, and a multitude of feelings he couldn’t understand.

For a while, Dazai and Chuuya sat frozen in silence. Occasionally, Chuuya would eye the remaining food, but neither of them wanted to touch it. The savory smell had become oppressive. Finally, Chuuya, who had been shifting oddly in his chair, cut through the grim air. “There are still a lot left. Do you plan on eating anymore?”

“Nnnn.” Dazai couldn’t eat it. If he didn’t choke, he would certainly throw up. His stomach roiled at the thought. Even the lingering aftertaste, once so sweet, was bitter, a haunting memory. If Dazai could wash it away with water, he would, but he feared even that.

“Me neither. I’m going to clean up.” Chuuya rose from the table with a dish in his hand. He gazed at Dazai piteously before turning away to the kitchen. Dazai did nothing, watching lifelessly as the evidence of what happened disappeared. Nevertheless, the horrible memory persisted.

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