#wish these things had been found like 20 years ago but hey

[emerentis]

.

[morgana-larkin]

I love angst for some reason, but can you write a Melissa x reader breakup fic? Where reader is in their mid 20’s and Melissa is obviously wayyy older than her. Melissa realized that they’re both heading in different paths in life and tries to gently breakup with reader, but calls her all the pet names like “kid/kiddo, young one, little bunny, etc” (this is taken from Taylor Swift’s ‘Illicit Affairs’ where she’s going “don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby, look at this godforsaken mess that you’ve made me…”)

Maybe a part two if you’re feeling up to it, with gentle smut as reader and Melissa get back together and make love again? 👀

Oh I’m definitely making a part two to this, I mean I can’t leave things with Melissa on a sad note. So I went with the nicknames hon and kid. I did ended listening to the Taylor Swift song and based some of the things off of the song. And I just gotta say that I procrastinated on doing this for 4 days straight as it hit too close to home. I called off my engagement 3 months ago to someone 12 years older than me because we were heading down different paths in life. Anyway, not edited in the slightest and I hope you like it!

On another note: still taking prompts peeps!

Part 2

Don’t Call Me That

Warnings: Angst and no comfort, no happy ending, may break your heart like it did for me

Words: 2.25k

You and Melissa are cuddling on the couch watching real housewives. Melissa found out you’ve never seen it so of course she had to show you. The two of you have been together for about 8 months now and never been happier.

Well, you have never been happier. Melissa was happy, but she still has so much doubt on whether or not she should have gotten with someone so much younger than her. Especially when you made comments on what you want to do with your life.

“I hope to get married someday.” You said once. “Maybe we can have kids together.” You said another time. “We should go out to a bar or a club together sometime.” You said one time. Melissa just looked at you and smiled each time but didn’t reply. Those thoughts swirl around in Melissa’s head until one day she couldn’t ignore them, you both wanted different things and she couldn’t let this relationship go on even more.

“Hey hon, can we talk?” She says to you when she visits you at your place on Saturday.

“Alright, sure.” You said, none the wiser. You and Melissa go on your couch and you face her with a smile. Melissa wishes you weren’t smiling as it makes it harder knowing that she’ll be that reason for that smile to drop.

“I don’t think this is working out anymore.” She starts and you look at her confused.

“What do you mean?” You ask and you frown.

“I mean this.” She says and gestures between you both. “Our relationship, I think we should end it.”

“Why?” You ask, concerned.

“Because we want different things in life hon. I don’t want to get married again, I wanted kids before but not anymore, and I don’t want to go to clubs if I don’t have too. But you’re young, you should have things you want and you should do it.” She tells you and you look down at your lap. She really wants to comfort you but knows she can’t.

“So that’s it? We’re over, just like that? I have no say in this?” You ask her and she looks guilty.

“I’m afraid so hon.” She says and you snap you head up at her.

“Don’t call me that if you’re gonna break up with me.” You snap and that catches her off guard. She knows you might be upset but didn’t think you’d snap at her, but she doesn’t blame you.

“I’m sorry y/n.” She tells you.

“Please leave.” You say and she nods defeatedly. She gets up and walks to the door and opens it. Before she leaves, she glances at you.

“I really am sorry.” She says and leaves. As soon as she closes the door, you get up and lock it, then you put your back on the door and slide down while crying.

On Monday you walked in the doors of Abbott and went to the break room as usual. Only this time instead of saying hi to Melissa when you pass her, you just walked right by her to the fridge.

“Hi hon.” Melissa says to you.

“Don’t call me that.” You say as you put your lunch in the fridge. Everyone turns their attention to you and Melissa as they knew you were dating. “My name is y/n.” You say to her and go to make a coffee.

“I know what your name is.” She tells you as you pour the coffee into your mug.

“Then I suggest you use it.” You tell her and walk out.

Melissa sighs and leans back into her seat.

“Trouble in paradise?” Barb asks Melissa.

“If trouble you mean broken up then yes.” Melissa says and everyone gasps.

“Omg what happened?” Janine asks.

“None of youse businesses.” She tells them and walks out. Everyone turns to Barb for answers.

“Don’t look at me, the only thing I know is Melissa broke up with y/n if their emotions are anything to go by.” Barb tells them.

Melissa tries to talk to you for the rest of the day when she gets an opportunity but you keep shutting her down.

She keeps trying every day for 2 weeks until she had enough. She got Mr Johnson to watch over her class while she goes to talk to you during your prep period.

She knocks on your door and walks in after you call out a ‘come in’ to whoever was there. When you look up you see the person you least expected, mostly because she has a class right now.

“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be teaching?” You tell her as she closes your door.

“Mr Johnson is watching them until I get back. I need to talk to you hon.”

“I keep telling you not to call me that! And the last time we talked, you broke up with me so I don’t really want to talk to you.” You told her and she sighs. You get up and go to bring a stack of papers to the back of the classroom.

“I know but I’ve been trying to at least be friends with you like we were before we started dating because I like our friendship.” She tells you as she follows you to the back and you whip around to face her.

“Friends? You think I would want to be friends with you? Melissa, do I need to remind you that you broke up with me and didn’t even bother talking about it with me? You just made the decision on your own.” You grit out.

“It was the best decision.”

“For who exactly? Cause it sure wasn’t the best for me.” You tell her and she looks at you.

“It was for you. I made it for you so you can have the life you want. I can’t give you everything! So I let you go so you could! Believe me when I tell you that I didn’t want to break up with you! You are the best damn thing to happen to me and it broke me to let you go!” She tells you and you gasp.

“That’s the reason?!? You. Are. An. Idiot Schemmenti! Just because I may have thought about certain things doesn’t mean it’s set in stone. I’m 25 and I’m not certain about what I want to do in life.”

“See that right there is what I’m talking about. You have no idea what you want cause your life has just begun, while mine, well I’m 55, I’m going to retire in 10 years hopefully. My life is almost over.” She tells you frantically and at that Barb comes in.

“Girls, can you quiet down. It’s hard enough to teach 5 year olds how to read the alphabet as it is. It’s even harder with your yelling.” She tells you both and you look at Melissa.

“What I knew I wanted in life was you. But I guess I was wrong. You should get back to your class.” You tell her and you leave to go print something. “Sorry Barb.” You tell her as you pass her by.

Barb looks at Melissa who has a couple tears rolling down her cheeks. “Sweetheart, what were you trying to accomplish here?” She asks her and Melissa lets a sob escape.

“I was trying to be friends with her again.” She tells her.

“Melissa, you just broke up with her out of the blue. At least for her it was out of the blue. You have to give it time before she might consider being your friend again.” Barb tells her and Melissa nods.

“I know, I just, I miss her.”

“Listen I have to go back to my classroom and you have to go back to yours but how about you come to my classroom at lunch and we can talk then.” Barb suggests and Melissa wipes her tears away.

“Ok.” She says with a nod and then leaves back to her classroom.

2 months go by and Melissa has stopped any interaction with you. You still know she looks and stares at you but never talks to you.

Melissa can’t help it whenever she sees you, she never talks to you even though she wants to, she just stares at you. Her heart breaks every time she sees you.

10 weeks after she breaks up with you, your both in the break room along with everyone else. You’re talking to the trio and they ask about your weekend plans and you mention you have a date. Melissa whips her head up from looking at her phone and her jaw drops and eyes got watery.

You may not be able to see her face but you saw her whip her head up. You also see Barb looking at her sympathetically which means she must look sad right now.

You tell them your contemplating on whether or not you should go, you think you shouldn’t but Janine and Gregory tell you to go and Jacob tells you no. You go over to Barb for the tie breaker and you show her a picture of the girl, Melissa also sees the picture of her and she realises that you’re going out with someone around her age.

Barb tells you it’s your choice and that’s when Melissa pipes up. “Isn’t she too old for you kid?” She asks you while taking a bite of her pasta.

You glare at her and scoff. “I think that’s for me to decide, cause I do have a say in some things.” You tell her and she looks down guiltily.

On Monday morning you walk in the break room and the trio asks you how your date went.

“It was alright. We’re going out again this Saturday.” You tell them and you hear Melissa scoff. “Something you want to say Melissa?” You ask her and she turns around in her chair.

“It doesn’t seem you’re interested in her since you said it was alright.” She tells you.

“Well it was my first date with her and I haven’t had a first date in a year.” You say and she stands up, grabs her things and walks out. You turn back to the trio and continue the conversation. Barb follows Melissa out to make sure she’s not destroying anything or about too.

The next Monday you’re talking to the trio about your second date and you tell them that you’re not going to see her again as you’re not interested in her. You don’t see it but Melissa smiles. You don’t but Barb sure does and rolls her eyes at her.

It’s been 3 months since the break up now and you stop by quickly at Melissa’s to get a few things she recently found that’s yours. In reality, Melissa found them 3 months ago and hid them when you came to get your things so she would have a few reminders of yours but now she wants an excuse to talk to you.

The box of your things is on the coffee table and Melissa is sitting on the arm of the couch when you walk in. Melissa told you that she’ll leave the door unlocked for you.

“Are those the things?” You tell her and nod your head to the box and she nods at you.

“Ya, it is.” She tells you and you don’t really move, she sees you looking around. You usually went to her place about 3 times a week to hang out with her after school and she would make dinner for you two.

“How are you kid?” She asks you and you look at her.

“I thought I’ve told you to stop with the nicknames and use my actual name.”

“You have, but I like using nicknames for you.” Is all she says.

“Why?”

“Because I always have, I’ve rarely called you by your actual name. It feels wrong to call you by your actual name.”

“Well you might want to work on how to make it sound right.” You tell her and walk over to grab the box and she grabs your wrist and you gasp.

“You never answered me when I asked how you were.” She tells you.

“You really want to know how I am?” You ask and she nods. “I’m broken.” You told her and her eyes look upset. “You broke up with me and now I’m broken and a mess. I chose not to go on a third date because all I thought about on the two dates was you.” You tell her and she lets go of you but you make no attempt to move. You want to challenge her to something to see what she really thinks and you grab the back of her head and you kiss her. She’s stunned for a second but then she automatically kisses you back but then you pull back 3 seconds later and she looks at you shocked. “You can’t tell me that that doesn’t feel right. I may not know much about what I want in life but I know I wanted to spend it with you. I’m aware of the age gap but it never made a difference to me because I love you. I thought you loved me.” You tell her then you grab the box and leave.

As soon as you close the door, Melissa falls down on the couch and starts crying. “I’m so sorry y/n.” She sobs out. “I do still love you.”

Taglist: @esposadejoyhuerta

@imaginesmultifandoms

@idonothingalldays-blog

@sexysapphicshopowner

@dvrkhcld

@lilfartbox1

@ricejucie

Let me know if you want to be added!

[timidpumpkin]

Little Light (Stucky x reader)

Part 1: Found

Pairing: Dark!Stucky x f!reader

Summary: The first time you met Steve--or--the first time Steve found you.

Warnings for this part: Dark!Stucky, Female reader, Stalking, Reader has anxiety, Reader cries, Allusions that reader is a little, Allusions to kidnapping.

Warnings for future parts: Ddlg, Daddy!Stucky, Kidnapping, Forced age regression, Slapping, Anxiety, Panic attack, Slight dubcon, Stockholm Syndrome. (Will add more as needed)

Let me know if I missed any!!

Word count: 2.6k

Notes: Reader is in their 20s. There will be a few more parts to this as well as future writings within this universe! :) hehe. This is my first time ever posting a fic...please be kind...I am sensitive. Minors and ageless blogs DNI or I WILL block you.

It’s chilly. 

The night is abnormally quiet. Your ears have to adapt to the lack of sound. Bugs and frogs are no longer sounding off to the moon. The draft that bites its way up your nose is dry. It’s the first few indications that the trees will transform, stripping their colorful shields to brace themselves for the biting weather that's to come.

You huffed your way into your familiar abode, wishing it wasn’t so late. For the past, well, who knows how long, you had been working prolonged hours that certainly weren’t supposed to be a part of your daily work life. Nevertheless, it was, and you were tired–no, exhausted. 

Your head and stomach oh so kindly reminded you that it was in need of food, but when you make your way into the kitchen, nothing seems appetizing. Well, that wasn't exactly true. The truth was the idea of spending what little time you had left in the day making something that would only add the dishes, another chore, was dispiriting, to say the least.

So instead of meeting your basic needs, you were met with wet eyes that almost lull you into slumber. But before you're taken over by sleep, as you lay on your couch, your mind drifts to a time when things weren't as…hard.

Several months ago, or perhaps even close to a year when you think about it, you were in Washington DC. It was an academic trip, the last one for your last year. Of course, throughout your schooling, you had plenty of assignments to keep you occupied. Yet, trips like these made it much more than bearable–it was fun. Most of your time was spent exploring countless museums and exhibits tailored to define the world you lived in. Elation saturated your spirit as you and your closest friend, MJ, absorbed the new environment. 

Perhaps though, one of the most memorable parts of your trip was when you two snuck out late one night to grab a bite to eat. Your mischievous selves couldn't seem to be bothered by the fact that the city could be known for its more…eventful crime life.

The streets weren't nearly as crowded at this time of night. Still, the warm street lights and richly colored signs decorating local establishments left the perfect amount of people to create a steady hum of activity. After going back and forth between several different food options, you eventually found yourselves on a bench to eat your taco score of the night. You mumbled to each other through full mouths declaring over and over again how delicious it was and made plans to find something sweet afterward. You hummed in satisfaction when the urge hit you. 

You had to pee. Great. 

Where on earth could you find a decent bathroom around here?

“I’m gonna try to find a restroom,” you said, wiping food debris from your pants and standing from your seated position.

“Ha, good luck,” MJ jeered at you, mouth half full. “I’ll be here enjoying this then” she motioned to your leftovers.

“Yeah yeah,” you scanned around you before figuring a direction to try your luck at. “Well, I’ll be back soon if I don’t find anything.”

“Hey wait!” she blurted before you could take off too far. “Don't forget this,” you turn to see an outstretched hand holding your phone. “If you get kidnapped or something I'll need some way to find you,” she teased. “You know, so I don't get in trouble if you do.”

“How very thoughtful of you.” you rolled your eyes playfully taking it from her.

You roam around, one street to another until you finally happen by a small sandwich shop that, mercifully, lets you use their restroom. Once you depart from its doors, you realize you're not really sure where you are. At all. Every street and building looks like the other one and after walking for a bit, you’re pretty sure you’ve gone the wrong way. Where you find yourself now is darker. Few lights illuminate the path ahead, and you can’t shake the strange feeling that you’re being watched–despite not seeing a single soul. You can’t help but check behind you every so often, looking backwards over and over again until you're not even really looking forward at all anymore.

And that when your body hits it. Something hard stops your momentum completely and wobbles you off balance until you feel gentle but firm hands steadying your swaying form. You can’t help the gasp that escapes your throat. 

“Woah there,” the solid figure holding you speaks. You blink up at the deep voice. It’s a man. A large man. His grip eases off you and he holds his hands up, open-palmed. “Didn’t mean to scare you.” he appealed, a reassuring smile on his face. 

“Oh it’s-that's alright,” you try to regain your composure as you back up a step, making space between you and the stranger. “I suppose I should have looked where I was going” you breathed, trying not to sound so startled. “Sorry.” you posture yourself up finally getting a good look at the man in front of you. You can’t help but stare at him for–probably more than a few–awkward moments as you start to recognize his face. It’s one you saw only hours ago during your Smithsonian visit, specifically, the Captain America exhibit. Yep–you’re pretty sure that man looking back at you is Steve Rogers. 

Except, he looks different from the pictures and videos you’ve seen. He’s sporting a beard, and he really does look even bigger than you expected. Even with a few good feet between you, you still have to look up to him. And he’s looking at you too. Luckily, he breaks the silence, likely noticing your gob-smacked face. 

“Are you,” he looked you up and down quickly, assessing you. “lost?” he meets your eyes.

“Oh-uh-, no no, I’m-” you didn’t want to seem helpless, but when he raises his eyebrow at you, you quickly cave. “well yeah actually…I was trying to find my friend. I left her on a bench…somewhere.” you say looking around pointlessly, as if she’d somehow appear before you.

“Well,” he takes a tiny step towards you. “I’m sure I could help with that” he grins confidently at you. 

“Oh that’s okay,” you start. “I mean I don’t want to impose or anything.” You’re sure he has more important things on his agenda than to help some random girl find her friend. You felt like some lost kid looking for their parent in the grocery store.

“Not at all,” he says definitively. “come on.” He gestures for you to follow his lead. He asks you what you remembered about your surroundings when you left MJ. He seems to recognize the place you’re talking about immediately and starts guiding the way. On the walk there, you talk. Well–he talks, mostly. It’s not that you necessarily felt nervous in his presence. Rather, it just wasn't uncommon for you to be at a loss for words, especially with new people. The truth of the matter was, you just didn’t know what to say, it was often difficult for you in that way. In the way that you only felt comfortable around someone after a decent amount of time of knowing them. Regardless, what was uncommon was how comfortable you felt talking to him-or well-answering him when he spoke to you.

“You really should be more careful walking around alone like that.” he said, seriousness lacing his tone.

“Yeah,” you laugh guiltily, “after all, you never know what kinds of people you’ll run into.” you jab at him playfully and he gives you a laugh in return. He asks if you're new to the area, and you explain your presence as a result of a field trip. You tell him simple things, like what you study, and how you’re almost finished with school.

“You know what you want to do after you graduate?” he probes. You wish he hadn’t. You hated that question more than anything, and now it was coming from him. Nevertheless, you felt you could be honest. 

“I’m…not really sure” you look downwards, self-conscious of your answer.

“Hmm, I know what that’s like.” you peer up at him in disbelief. Sure, you didn’t know him at all really, but still, you couldn't help the short judgment that told you that wasn’t true.

“Really?”

“I know, I know” he chuckles, “hard to believe, right?” he glances at you, smirking as you continue to walk. “but it’s true. Maybe not exactly like your situation but…” he purses his lips “I know what it’s like to feel uncertain about your path.” You're slightly taken aback by his honesty, and it comforts you to know someone like him could feel the same doubts as you. 

Well, of course, you think. He is just a normal person–okay, superperson–after all. A person like any other. 

One with feelings, wants, and needs. 

You hum. “Did you ever figure it out?” he cocks his head at you. “You know, whatever you were unsure about?” he ceases his stroll and your legs automatically mimic his as you stand to face each other. Even at a respectable distance, he towers over you. It’s not just his height though, rather, his entire being, his build, is enormous. 

“I think I did,” he smiles at you “yeah,” you smile back and for the second time tonight, you’re staring, but again, he breaks the silence. “Is that your friend?” you turn to see MJ still seated where you left her looking as nonchalant as usual. You give Steve an affirmation and begin making your way to her. As you get closer you make out what appears to be a cup of ice cream in her hands.

“There you are. I’ve been worried sick.” she explains, taking in a spoonful. 

“I can tell.” you quip. 

“Was too! You never answered my texts” she wiggles her phone in front of you for emphasis. You don’t remember getting any texts. Then again, maybe you were too distracted to notice them.

“Oh, well, sorry, I kind of got lost. Luckily I ran into-” you look behind you wanting to show your friend who helped bring you here, only to see an empty street. Your brows furrow. 

“Ran into…” she peers in the direction you’re looking towards.

“Someone that helped,” you mumble mostly to yourself. She gives you a confused look. “I-I’ll explain when we get back to the room.” and you do.

You tell her about how he startled you at first but was quick to offer help. “Of course he’d offer to help, he’s a superhero.” MJ remarks during your retelling. She listens as you describe how easy it felt to converse with him, and how you wished you had only thanked him properly for helping you. Realistically, you’re not sure what would have happened had you not run into him–literally. 

That memory wasn’t one you thought of too often, to tell the truth, but it was one that reminded you of a simpler time. Yet, even then you remember being tired. Only now did it seem to catch up with you how much you had to do. It made even the simplest tasks feel like too much. You longed for a time when you didn’t have so much…responsibility. 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ

That night may have been the last time you saw Steve, but it certainly wasn’t the last time he saw you. 

He watched you that night, long before you even ran into him. He had been there for some mission, the importance of which he couldn’t remember. What he did remember though–your laugh. It chimed over the noise of the city around him, guiding him to your form where he was met with bright smiles as you giggled at something your friend said. There was something about you that drew him to you, and as the night went on, that something only grew stronger. He watched as you joked with your friend. He noticed your attentiveness to her, and those around you. How kind you were to anyone you interacted with, and how…silly you were for leaving your friend to go off by yourself. He knew then he had to keep watching, to make sure you remained safe. 

He was elated when you took that turn into the dark and empty street. It was the perfect opportunity to hear your voice–up close. 

And oh–how sweet you sounded.

Like how one would imagine a doe-eyed deer would sound. He reveled in how timid you were around him. How hard you tried to be courteous, mouth moving to form words, only for your lips to shut themselves. He truly thought it was adorable how you couldn't really look him in the eye, and when you did, you’d look away, often, with a bashful look.

Steve did see something in you that night–something he was missing. Once he realized it so, and dropped you off with your best friend, he knew he had to find his–Bucky.

Truthfully, he was more than just his best friend. They had been through so much, both together and separate. Both were thrown into treacherous waters more than once, living in unpredictable conditions, and exposed to the most atrocious of people. Though still, they had each other long before any of that. A friendship–a relationship–that knew no bounds–whether it be of time or situation. 

Steve knew Bucky would understand his fascination with you. They both had a lucid awareness of the wretched world they lived in. It wasn’t always that way, but time had proven it so over and over again. They could always rely on each other when everyone else seemed content with being against them. They knew the world still needed help, and they gave it, when and where they needed to. But nevertheless, in their eyes, everything was still tainted with darkness.

Except you. 

Over months, they observed you, studying you like there would be a test over every aspect of your being. Bucky thought you were even better than Steve had described. Beautiful, softhearted, and sweet. Yes, you truly were sweet. But in a way, too much so. He saw how nasty some people could be to you, only for you to return them with kind eyes and meek responses. He hated it. He adored you, and as time went on, it soon became clear that he didn’t want anyone to treat you in such a way.

They saw you working yourself to depletion every day. How you’d let dishes and laundry pile up. How poorly you ate, and how…clumsy you could be. Tripping over nothing after a long day, injuring yourself when actually attempting to make a meal. They knew what they needed to do. They knew what you needed. 

You needed them.

You needed them to take care of you.

Steve couldn’t bear to see you suffer like this, and Bucky knew they were the only people who could truly keep you shielded from the cold world around them. They would be your warmth, and you would be their little light. 

Yes, they could tell you needed them.

They could tell when you failed to do the simplest of things. 

They could tell when, every night, you’d grip your favorite stuffed animal in your arms.

They could tell when you were sure all the lights were out, your thumb would slowly slip its way behind your lips before you drifted to sleep.

Timing was everything. They had only been waiting for the perfect moment when everything was ready–including you. So when they saw you this night, curled up, tears staining the fabric beneath you as you fell asleep with an empty stomach, they knew it was the perfect time. 

[samgirl98]

Mending a Family 6/?

Prev | Next

Here, have some Batfam angst

Bruce

Crime Alley was mourning the loss of its hero. Bruce refused to believe Jason was dead.

Neither he nor his other children had been able to make any headway in their hero persona. In the end, Bruce went to Crime Alley undercover as a homeless man. No one had seen hide or hair of Red Hood in almost two months. Everyone thought that Red Hood had died; it never occurred to them that Jason might have left.

(He was alive; his son couldn’t be dead again. There hadn’t been a body.)

Bruce looked at the camera footage on the day of Jason’s disappearance. Unfortunately, there weren’t many cameras in Crime Alley, so he only occasionally caught glimpses of Jason’s red helmet.

(Why hadn’t he fought harder to add more cameras in Crime Alley? Bruce could’ve funded better security for the place. He had wanted to respect Jason’s wishes but look where that got him.)

“Hey, B, still looking at the footage? Found anything new?”

Bruce didn’t take his eyes off the monitors but answered Dick’s questions.

“No, nothing new.”

That was the frustrating part. Nothing new popped up, no matter how often Bruce looked at the footage. There had been no anomalies, no significant rogue attacks, and Jason hadn’t gotten into any fights with other drug dealers. The little footage he saw of Jason had him interacting with some of the women he protected or handing out bags to some of the kids. There was nothing that indicated that Jason was planning to leave.

(He left. He had to have left. His safe houses were full of dust and empty.)

“Bruce, maybe it’s time you stopped looking at the footage.”

Bruce paused the video and glared at his eldest. Dick put his hands up.

“I’m not saying let’s stop looking for him. I’m saying looking at the same thing over and over again isn’t going to help us find him.”

Bruce glared at the last clear video they had of Jason. He knew Dick was right, but he had no idea where to start. No one in the hero community knew Jason was alive again. Jason didn’t have any friends or allies outside of Crime Alley. The last time they had spoken, he had ended in a shouting match because Bruce had asked Jason if he knew anything about the disappearance of a child rapist over a year ago.

Bruce regretted many things in his life; not making things better with Jason was now at the top of his list.

“What do you suggest we do?”

“Maybe it’s time we brought in others to help us.”

Bruce frowned. He didn’t like bringing in other heroes regarding Gotham’s or his family’s affairs.

“Listen, I’m not saying we tell the whole hero community, but I can ask some team members to help. I’ll tell them to keep it to themselves. I know Roy would love to help when he finds out Jason is still alive. Kori can travel the world and maybe keep an eye out. Victor can hack into systems worldwide, and Raven can probably sense him. He has returned from the dead; that has to leave some signature.”

“Hmm,” Bruce thought about it before nodding. Dick gave him a quick smile and left the cave. Bruce picked up his phone and waited for the person to answer.

“Bruce, is everything okay?”

“Clark, I need to speak with you. Can we meet at the usual place?”

(Why hadn’t he reached out sooner?)

Tim

In another part of Gotham, Tim Drake was in his base of operation (fondly dubbed the Nest).

Instead of repeatedly looking at the same footage, Tim was trying to find if anything weird had happened in the city on the last day of Jason’s appearance in Crime Alley. Here were the facts.

Even though it had been late April, the weather had been unseasonably cold. While that could have been a coincidence, Tim doubted it. The weather started at 79 degrees F and ended in the low 20s. Mr. Freeze was still in Arkham, so he couldn’t have done it.

Fact two: his scanners had picked up weird readings he had never seen before. At the same time that the weather started dipping, the unknown readings had risen.

Fact three: the night of the anomaly, Jason had disappeared.

The three things had to be connected. Tim texted Barbara to run a test to see if she got the same results and also to see how long the anomaly lasted while he did the same. He was going to find Jason.

(His family depended on it.)

Dick

Dick hung up on Roy, his screams still echoing in his ears. To say that his team had been upset he had kept Jason’s resurrection a secret had been an understatement. Nobody had been as angry as Roy.

Dick understood where Roy was coming from.

(Bruce had kept secrets from him, and he knew how it felt.)

But he hadn’t wanted his little brother to be remembered differently now that he had strayed off the hero path. He deserved to be remembered as that sweet little boy who thought being Robin was magic.

It didn’t matter anymore. What mattered now was finding him, and if that meant being yelled at or reprimanded by his friends, well, as long as they found Jason, he could take anything his friends decided to dish out at him.

Damian

Damian frowned at the phone. His finger hovered over the call button. He noticed how Jason’s disappearance affected the family. Father was coming home with more bruises. Richard smiled less often, and they were more strained when he did. Timothy was sleeping less. (Though Damian didn’t care what the buffoon did, he just wanted to ensure Drake was firing on all cylinders when they went on patrols.) Alfred had stopped making witty remarks. He cooked, he cleaned, and he greeted them, but something was missing in the older man.

(Would they worry about Damian the same way if he disappeared? After all, father didn’t choose him; Damian was thrust upon him.)

Damian pressed the call button and waited for the answer.

“Mother, I need another favor.”

Alfred

Alfred stood outside Jason’s old room. He hadn’t entered to clean since Jason disappeared. Alfred knew he had to. After all, it was his job to keep the manor tidy and orderly.

His heart ached at the thought of entering Jason’s memorial.

(The suit downstairs was a memorial for Robin, one that Alfred despised; the room was Jason’s.)

Alfred took a deep breath and opened the door. He had a job to do. Besides, his wayward grandson deserved to come to a clean house.

Once more, I would like to remind people that I am open to suggestions and prompts for this fic. I don't have an overarching plot, I'm mostly focusing on Batfam angst, found family, and eventually, way, way, waaaay, down the line for reconciliation. So have fun suggesting

@idontgetpaidenoughforthisshit @skulld3mort-1fan @theauthorandtheartist @emergentpanda-blog @jaggedheart11 @fisticuffsatapplebees @booberrylizard @fantasticbluebirdfan @thegatorsgooseoose @cyrwrites @kjoboo91 @crystallicedart @amaramizuki666 @spekulatiusmuffin @meira-3919 @kilasmess @bubblemixer @lexdamo @wonderland-daisy @mj-arts-n-stuff @amyheart19 @dolfay @the-church-grimm @undead-essence @aph-mable @lizisipancardo @purrloin77 @writer-extraodinaire @charlietheepic7 @sinfulloccultist @nootherusernameworked @coruscateselene @chaoticchange @itsberrydreemurstuff @gmkelz11 @feral-bunny31 @paroovian @thatonegaybitch68 @d4ydr34min9 @overtherose @fandomwandererer @vipower001 @thordottir45 @blackrabbitt3t @rosecinnamonbun @bianca-hooks123

[rafecameronsslxt]

Hooked

Warnings: Smut? (Barely a paragraph), Toxic (Always), complete angst.

Synopsis: Adriana learns she's pregnant with Rafe's child. Rafe traumatizes Adriana even further, destroying the once almost perfect life they had. Adriana picks Rafe over her friends. Topper and her kiss, leaving secrets to be hidden and uncovered later.

Rafe Cameron x OC

Part FIVE of series. (Can be read as stand alone)

Part ONE- Part TWO- Part THREE- Part FOUR- Part SIX- Part SEVEN

Masterlist

A/N: Season three coming out on Thursday AND a season FOUR is coming!!! Drew Starkey IS ALMOST 30 girl he looks early 20s!?

Words: 4,536

I spent an hour rehearsing what I’d be saying to Wheezie. She was the only person I could trust not to tell anyone this information. “Wheezie, hi- No. Wheezie, your brother– ugh, Wheezie, I trust you a lot.” Instead of repeating her name a million times to myself, I call her and tell Wheezie to meet me at the park in our neighborhood, but make myself clear for her to walk. 

   Today was sunny, hot, and nerve-racking. At this point, I’d fixed Rafe’s hat on my head about a million times, waiting on Wheezie. The wind barely blows while I stare blankly at the palm trees. They were moving, but it was faint, like they were deciding whether to go with the flow or defy it, or I shouldn’t be using palm trees as an analogy. 

   “Hey, loser. You sounded urgent and scared me.” Wheezie says, out of breath with her hands on her knees. I look over to the swing next to me. She sits down. “Wheezie I’mpregnantandtooscaredtotellanyoneandyoucan’t tell anyone either, not even Sarah.” Although the words coming out of me sounded more gibberish than actual English, her jaw dropped, and she stood up from the swing. “WOW, play back what you just said because I don’t know if I HEARD right.” She puts her hands to her face in astonishment.

   “I’m pregnant with Rafe’s child.” She started jumping around, laughing, and I wished that was me when I’d found out. “That’s amazing, Adriana! I’ll be a step-aunt!” Wheezie seems genuinely happy and proud of me. She takes my hands, let's go and squeals. By the time Wheezie is done freaking out, I’m smiling ear to ear at her silliness. “Wait, since this is a top-secret thing, I can come with you to those baby ultrasounds, so you're not alone.” She sits down on the swing, grinning. 

   I forgot to mention it’s been three weeks since that night with Rafe and me. He hasn’t gotten better. Actually, he owes his drug dealer money but spends it on a new bike like an idiot. Rafe isn’t ready for a child, and neither am I. We’re nineteen, just out of high school a year ago. 

   Wheezie turns her head to me. “Why are you sad? This is the best thing ever. I mean, A BABY. Rafe Cameron's baby! Top news article; Kook gets knocked up by high school sweetheart, kook prince, and psychopath Rafe Cameron. BOOM.” She makes an explosion with her hands. I glance at her with intense sorrow at her insensitive comment. Wheezie throws her hands into the air, surrendering and mumbles, sorry. 

   We start walking to her house. She holds my hand, giving me as much comfort as a thirteen-year-old can. Wheezie had been such a precious child; I know she means a lot to Sarah. 

   I wave to Wheez as she walks inside, a smile engraved on her face. I turned my back and was about to leave when I heard Rafe call out my name. 

   He’s slouched against his bike, looking down at his wrist and cursing. “What happened!?” I get on my knees, taking his forearm into my hand. His wrist is burnt and red. My eyes widen at the look of it. “Rafe, come on. Baby, get up.” I force him to put his arm around my shoulder, and we get up together and walk inside the house to his bathroom.

   I look through the cabinets and find antiseptic; locating a rag might’ve been for the better, but I poured the alcohol on his wrist. Rafe throws his head back, and tears of pain fall down his cheeks. Then I find gauze, wrapping the white cotton around his reddened wrist. My hands go to his face wiping away his tears. 

   My hands run under Rafe’s shirt, feeling his abs. I could think of a million ways to alleviate his pain. 

   Something I’ve realized about being pregnant is my sex drive has been off the rails this week. “Not today, baby. I have to talk to my dad about something.” Rafe removes my wandering hands and pulls me up from my knees. “I hope things go ok.” I give Rafe an open-mouthed kiss. 

   Not much more happened. I walked home, fell asleep, and woke up to my phone ringing. 

   “Hello?” I answered groggily while rubbing my eyes. “We're locking Sarah and Kie on the boat together. You should come, loser.” John B laughs over the phone to me. I start smiling. “Kie is killing you guys and Sarah all in one day. I’m sure of it, but I can’t come. Sorry JB.” I laugh while walking downstairs to the kitchen, skimming the fridge to see if anything entices me. “I’ll give you the details later then. Love you, Ad.” Then Pope and JJ chime in, saying their goodbyes and I love you’s. “Ok, ok, I love you guys too.” I shut the fridge, not finding anything suitable to my cravings.

   A soft knock comes from the front door. I open the door finding Rafe with tears in his gorgeous blue eyes. He leans down and hugs me. I don’t question it and snake my arms around his back. Rafe’s tears start wetting my shirt.

   We stay like this, in the middle of the doorway, hugging each other. 

   “Do you want to talk about it?” I softly ask while my hand is on his cheek and my thumb brushes against his smooth skin. Rafe doesn’t say anything. Instead, he looks up at the bland ceiling, his arms lying on his stomach. One of my legs is laid over his, and I stare at the side of his face. 

   Rafe’s head turns toward mine. A blank stare. His eyes are unreadable because they're everywhere but here. Rafe’s eyes bore into mine. “Imagine if we had a child right now. We’d be so fucked.” He laughs humorlessly. My breathing stops. The oxygen in my lungs dissipates but returns relatively quickly. 

   I nod slowly, Inhaling and exhaling deeply. 

   “If we had a child, what would you name them.” Rafe placed his hand on my thigh. My heart is beating too fast like it’ll burst out of my chest. “Uh, for a girl, I’d name her Lilith and a boy for sure, Renner.” I’d thought about baby names so much that I didn’t need time to ponder. “Mhm, those are pretty.” He mumbles.

   His fingers trail over my shorts. I grab Rafe’s hand and move it away from me. I started to become weird about him getting close to my stomach because a bump had begun to form, and I wasn’t sure if he’d feel that my stomach was hard or more solid. 

   Rafe’s eyebrows furrowed together. “Just let me,” I say slowly. This whole week he’s been trying to touch me, but I pushed him away every time, and I’ve probably given him a record of blowjobs this week, so he’ll shut up. 

   I throw my legs on either side of Rafe’s hips sitting directly on his crotch. I bend down and kiss him. It wasn’t chaste. It had been lustful and needed. I began to roll my hips onto Rafe feeling his dick push into me through his shorts. Since I was home alone, all I had on was an oversized long-sleeve that went down to my knees and silk lace panties, and as much as I wanted to feel him, my nerves got the best of me, defying my body.

   I slide my lips to Rafe’s neck, sucking on his skin until it turns a reddish-purple. My body glides down his. I take his shorts and underwear off, all in one swift movement. 

   Adriana wraps her hands around Rafe’s erect dick. She looked up at him, her forest-green eyes searing into his sea-colored ones. Adriana wrapped her plump lips around his tip, running her tongue roughly over him and then spitting onto Rafe’s cock.

   Her hand surrounds him again, moving up and down. 

   Rafe couldn’t understand why she was pushing him away, both physically and mentally. He felt they’d become two different people, and he needed her. She was his world, and without Adriana, his world would be in pieces. 

   When I go to suck him, Rafe pushes his body up against the headboard. I sit on my knees and give him a questioning face. “I- I can’t do this, baby.” Rafe gets up, putting his boxers and shorts on. My eyes start watering. “I’m not leaving. I think we should just talk, ok, baby.” He says calmly, reassuring my doubts. 

   Rafe and me lay down again, looking at each other. His arm was resting on my lower back and hip. “So, I lied. I was stealing my dad's money and got caught, and shit happened.” I run my hand through Rafe’s dishevelled hair. He waits for me to tell him what’s wrong with me and to get mad at him for trying to steal Ward's money, but I don’t do either.

   “Rafe, I’m not mad. I just want you to hold me and tell me that things will be ok with us after tomorrow.” My voice starts breaking like chemicals that leak into the sea. I turn around and push my body so close to his that there isn’t any room left. Rafe puts his hurt wrist around my waist and doesn’t seem to notice anything about my stomach. Which I was worrying about for so long. 

   He kisses my shoulder gently. “It’s going to be ok, baby.” Rafe’s soft voice says, comforting me. It wasn’t going to be ok because the pogues were filling me in about what’s been happening and their plan. Which is great, but I’m afraid. I am so fucking terrified.

   I hear Rafe’s voice soothing me like a lullaby until I’m deep asleep.

   The room is dark when I open my eyes. The sun barely shone through the closed curtains leaving streaks in my pitch-black room. My hands move around, finding nothing other than crumpled sheets.

   I throw my comforter off me and turn my light on. The room is vacant of, Rafe. I check my phone. It’s two in the afternoon! I hate sleeping in for too long. I run to my closet, throwing out clothes to wear on my bed. 

   One of Rafe’s striped grey and white button-ups that I tuck into high-waisted white shorts with a brown belt. My phone starts ringing; it's John B. “Hey, listen, me and the pogues are going to stop Ward from taking off with the gold.” John B sounds out of breath. “Ok, be careful. Seriously JB. I love you.” We say our goodbyes to each other, feeling like it’ll be my last time. 

   I walk into my bathroom and put my hands on the counter, feeling a substance on my palms. The marbled counter has a perfect line of excess white powder. It coats my hand; I run the water and wash the cocaine down the drain, wiping the rest into the sink. 

   My phone starts ringing for the second time. “Hey, baby. You’re coming with me to visit Ward and Sarah since they’ve decided to go to the Bahamas today.” My face drops at Rafe’s demand.  

   He wasn’t asking. He was telling me I’d be going with him. “I’ll be at your house in a minute. Just wait outside.” His voice isn’t his, and he hangs up. 

   While walking as slowly as possible down the stairs, I call John B over and over. He doesn’t answer, and Rafe’s truck pulls up. No, no, this can’t be happening. 

   On the ride there, we don’t talk to each other. 

   The only thing being heard was Rafe’s light breaths, cars passing by too quickly, or Rafe had been driving fast. “Rafe, can you please slow down.” He keeps his eyes on the road, maintaining the truck at a steady rapid pace. I place my hand on his thigh, feeling a little more secure, but I know I’m not. Rafe doesn’t acknowledge my hand or how it’s squeezing his thigh tightly.

   I tried stopping him. I really did.

Then, a shot rings throughout my ears loudly, I’m listening, but things aren’t going through, properly. It’s white noise running through my body. Sarah looks at me, crying and just as traumatized as myself, but the difference is my body is next to Rafe’s. His murderous hands, while Rafe stands there looking down at John B, trying to help Sheriff Peterkin.

   John B starts talking to the walkie talkie asking for help, and Rafe doesn’t take it lightly, hovering the gun close to John B’s head. The next thing I know, John B starts running, and Rafe begins to shoot, and the three of us get him to stop. 

   My head turns to Rafe, a vacant expression with feelings racing throughout my veins. “Rafe, wha- what did you just do?” My voice is shaky, and so are my hands. My whole body feels like it might fall to the ground at any moment. Rafe’s hands go to my face, and the gun presses against the side of my hair. My hands push his off. I walk back wobbly and unbalanced. 

   “Take Sarah and Adriana to the house. Take them home!” Ward yells at him. Rafe grabs Sarah’s arms, and she fights back, trying to get away from her brother. Her brother that caused death and destruction to the lives we once knew. 

   His red hands grabbed my clean ones, dragging me along with Sarah. I didn’t fight back. I walked and sat in Rafe’s truck lifelessly, but I was carrying a human in my stomach. Would this trauma affect the baby? What if I die while having this baby of a murder? 

   Sarah, the girl I’ve known since fourth grade and told everything to, will never trust me again. JJ a boy who was like my brother and probably wouldn’t understand. Pope was someone I could go to for comfort. John B protected me throughout many things in my life. Kiara, Kie, my girl, she would especially hate me for not being the first person to know I was pregnant. 

   Rafe’s sea eyes glance into the rearview mirror at me while he and Sarah argue. When he does, I’m biting my nails, looking at the trees we pass by quickly. Things- life doesn’t feel expectant. I can’t wrap my head around this situation. 

   My Rafe. Rafe Cameron is unhinged but never a murderer. The guy I’ve known since fifth grade killed someone in cold blood and then told himself he was doing it for the greater good. This is not my boyfriend, the man who kissed my lips and said I love you. We planned our lives together. 

   Tears fall silently. I bite my tongue to keep quiet and wipe my face every time one does fall.

   Rafe and I had started separating like toxic chemicals, but somehow are hanging onto each other. We’d become two separate people but fused the both of us together simultaneously. This baby and our love would keep us together. I feel outlandish for even loving Rafe. I feel crazy.

   The truck door opens, and we’re at the Cameron’s house. Rose is watering pretty flowers that are full of life and color. Rafe holds out his hand, waiting for me to take it. I don’t and get out myself. Rose starts talking, but words aren’t comprehending with me. We walk inside.

   “Adriana, look at me. Please, baby.” Rafe says softly, closing and locking his bedroom door. I can’t bring myself to look into his dark blue eyes. “Baby, please. I need you to tell me you still love me. Adriana!” His words are bouncing off the walls to my ears. So much is happening. I stare into his eyes and see Rafe, but then the gun, blood, everything. 

   He starts crying. His sea is overflowing, while my ocean has been flooding. I push my brunette hair stuck to my wet face behind my ears. 

   Rafe gets close to me, and I stumble back into his desk. “Me or them?” He closes me in along with the indignant question. The flooded ocean cries out more. I shake my head. “No, no, no. Rafe, don’t do this to me, please.” My head lays against his chest, his shirt getting soaked. He knows; he just wants me to say it out loud because it’ll be real. I’ll speak it into existence.

   “You, Rafe.” I fall, but he picks up my limp body and lays me on the bed. His face brightens, and mine darkens, signing away my friends. The people I betrayed and backstabbed. “I’m pregnant, too,” I whisper; his face drops. Rafe’s slicked-back hair is a mess.

   Even if I hadn’t been pregnant, I think I would’ve still chosen Rafe, and I hate myself for that. But, sometimes love takes you like a storm, a hurricane, no- a tsunami, and despite every wrong, I decided him because I’m stupid. But I didn’t want to risk my unborn child's life, running, and the chances of getting shot were high by the police. 

   “Adriana, we- we talked about that last night, and you didn’t say anything.” Rafe stutters, but he’s angry. 

   Rafe stands up, pacing around his room, hands on his head; they ball into a fist, he lets go, and his fingers curl in the air. Rafe starts throwing things. First, a fake potted plant at the door, smashing to pieces by the impact, then everything from his desk falls to the floor; pens, a random book, and two of our framed pictures when we were happy. Finally, the glass shatters into fragments on the wood floor, incorporating indentations into the wood. 

   I cautiously touch my manic boyfriend's shoulder. He turns around quickly, and I take a step back. “Rafe, please stop. We can- you and me can talk about this, baby.” There was so much to talk about, and we’d have to tell our parents. Rafe isn’t in a good place, and neither am I.

   “What’s there to talk about. We have to fucking do this. Adriana, things fucking suck right now. Do you understand that? A baby! My fucking baby! Is this what you wanted. A perfect life, Adriana. Well, here it is.” His jaw clenches, and he grits his teeth. “I think I need to go. I’ll come back later.” I folded my arms over my chest and bit my bottom lip hard until blood drew. 

   Rafe shakes his head at me. “Stop doing that.” He says lowly and opens the door. As I walked out the door, I turned back around. Rafe kisses me. It was grim and full of anger, but it wasn’t rough like he usually would. Instead, it was soft, like I would kiss when we were in fights. 

   Rather than driving to my house, I make my way to The Cut, specifically the beach and call Kiara. I made myself clear when I only wanted Kie to come because I couldn’t handle the whole group's criticism, but I know Kie would not take this lightly either, but she’s my best friend and deserves to know from me.

   After a few minutes, I see Kiara walking in the distance. She runs to me and smothers me with her tight hug, which I take for remembrance. “I’ll start. Why were you with Rafe when that happened?” She makes hand motions but gets straight to the point. “He made me come, or maybe I had a choice to run away, but in the long run, I would've come either way. But Kie, I have to tell you two big things.” My eyes start to sting from tears, and she looks worried. My fingers run through the soft sand. She nods, waiting for me to go on. “I’m pregnant and cannot run with you guys. Rafe made me choose and- I’m sorry.” Tears slip down my cheeks, and she looks at me, processing the words.

   “Adriana- what. A baby. A murders, baby, and you chose him.” Her eyes widen. “What am I supposed to do, Kie? I will not put this child in danger. I know you're mad at me, and I’m sorry. I really am, but I can’t go with you guys.” Her face softens, realizing this might be the last time I see her for a while. Her eyes go red.

   Kiara takes a deep breath in and then out. She clutches onto me, and I hold onto her. “Can I?” She asks, referring to my stomach. I nod and lift my shirt to see a little bump. She puts her hand on my stomach, feeling its hardness. “Can’t wait to see this beautiful baby. He or she will have some good genes from their mother.” She jokes, looking at me with tears in her pretty brown eyes and smiling. 

   “I love you, Kie.” I laugh, crying. “I love you, Ad.” She lays her head on my shoulder. “Make sure you tell the others,” I yell to her from a distance. Kiara puts her thumb up and turns back around into the darkness fading, already turning into a dream. 

   That night I told my parents about me being pregnant, and news about John B had already been going around. They weren’t mad at me, but they did lecture me about John B thinking he’s a murderer when he’s not. Rafe is. 

   Today was my first ultrasound, and just as Wheezie asked, I did. I didn’t tell Rafe about this because I wanted support from a stable person, but I feel bad because it’s his child too. 

   Wheezie turns on music and blasts it throughout my jeep. The sonographer, for which I had to look up the technical term because I don’t know what they’re called, had thought Wheezie was my child. I giggled no, and Wheezie started coughing because she choked on her saliva. The building was comfy instead of all white and brick.

   I pulled into the driveway and saw Rafe. “Bye, Wheez.” I smile at the little girl walking past Rafe and into the house. Rafe gets in the jeep, squinting at me. I sigh, and a tingly wave goes to my fingers. I get nervous. “Where were you guys?” He questions me as if I have something to hide, and I don’t because I was planning to tell Rafe about the ultrasound afterwards. 

   “I was at the ultrasound place with Wheezie. Here are the pictures.” I hand him the black and white strip of pictures. “Wow. He’s adorable.” Rafe looks genuinely happy. He gets tears in his eyes. “I think it’s going to be a boy.” Rafe nods and kisses me. I bask in the feeling of this euphoric moment. He takes my hand and kisses the back of it. “I love you.” 

   “I love you too, baby.” I squeeze his hand, and we let go at the same time. Rafe gets out of the jeep and walks inside with a grin on his sharp face. He took the pictures with him. I did want to hang them up.

   The last stop was Topper. Sometimes I hated Topper and wanted to punch him like Rafe, but it was different. My boyfriend Rafe messes things up because that’s Rafe, but Topper is Top. He sides with his friends over anything despite them being wrong, and at this point, I only have Topper. I haven’t talked with him since Pope or the one sentence at Midsummers, but that doesn’t count. 

   I hesitated to knock on the door, already regretting this. Just before I knocked on the door, it opened. The dyed blonde-haired boy bumped into me. Topper's eyebrows knit together. “Adriana?” He questions, bringing me inside. “Hey, Top.” The smile barely makes it to my face. Seeing Topper is a relief because I know I can tell him things, and he wouldn’t speak to Rafe about it. 

   I start walking back and forth in the foyer of his house. “It’s been so bad, Topper.” I stop pacing around and stare at him. Tears threaten to fall from the ocean. The ocean seems to be a thunderstorm every day, never letting me down. “Ad, what do you mean. If Rafe is hurting you again.” Topper changes from confused to angry in a millisecond. “I’m pregnant. Rafe’s baby.” I start biting my nails. They’re down to the ends and can feel the skin. 

   Topper’s tall figure leans down and wraps his arms around me. I hadn’t felt this safe in a while; Being secured by someone felt pleasant. It was now a foreign sensation. My body falls to the white marble flooring just before Topper can catch me. He quickly picks me up, takes me to the boring white couch, and lays me down. 

   Thirty minutes pass, and I’m covered with a blanket and have water in my hand. “Rafe made me choose, like him or my friends. I know Rafe, and you hate the pouges, but they were my only friend's Topper, and he made me pick, but at the same time, I understand and don’t-” My head is laying on Topper's shoulder blade while we both look at each other. I kiss him.

   He kisses back for a second. Topper has a stubble that scratches against my face, which I never liked. Rafe knew I didn’t like his stubble rubbing against my face, so he shaved it for me. His lips are soft, but not Rafe’s. Rafe’s lips were kissable and mine, and he’d let me kiss him all day if it was possible, and I’d take him in a moment.

   We both pull back, instant regret washing over us. Another wave of hurt falls over me. “Adriana, this- I- no.” He doesn’t know what to say and simply sighs. “I’m sorry. I- it just happened. You’re like my brother.” I spit out in absolute disgust as my voice sharpens like the end of a razor. Topper burst out laughing. “Wow, ok. Honesty is key?” He says in a questioning manner. A smile crosses my face, and I let out a deep breath. “Sorry, that wasn’t supposed to come out like that.” I cover my mouth before I start dying of laughter. 

   We talk more about Rafe. The rest of our conversation consists of random discussions and the baby. Mostly the baby.

   Besides the awkward lips-to-lips thing, it felt like another night I would’ve spent at Top’s house. I would describe it as brother and sister type, but I feel weird saying siblings after we kissed. 

   By the end of the night or morning, the kiss is forgotten and drowned out by laughs and smiles carved into our gorgeous faces. I arrived home by two in the morning and texted Rafe, making plans to have dinner today around three in the afternoon.

   When I lay down, my body instantly loosens up. The fluffy white comforter envelops me in the warmth and Rafe's intense fragrance, still keeping its place in my room. My hands lay on my stomach, which is making a baby as we speak.

This is really happening, a baby. My child.

@beautifulvoidwinner

[malum-af-cth]

favorites of all time!

way way way back when i set up a spam account so i could send myself things i wanted to read later. essentially turning that chat into my TBR. i have sorted through them & i think the first thing to do with this rebrand is to give you a list of my favorite fics of all time. below you will find a list of my favorite reads with their writers & a smol why for it making the list. these are in no particular order. please enjoy!

*this list is 18+. Minors do not interact!*

list below the cut.

*most of these fics either are smut or contain some through slow burn structure. Please read each author's warnings for them before you engage. *

from the last 7 years, i have chosen 20 fics that i LOVE. here we go.

from @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog we have a story i remember getting me excited about what kind of writing could be on tblr. "the arrangement" a lost love fic. 9 parts of love & angst.

2. @sis-tafics out here with a sweet sweet physical innocence trope with the hottie dean winchester. "our little secret"

3. @hrina wrote such a beautiful H. Styles fic about his character in dunkirk. "Il Ritorno" is the first part of 3 fics. i love the little coming home to a new place & new people plot.

4. @supernatural-jackles is the author of one of the only fics to make me cry. "hey handsome" i remember reading this sobbing because i felt the emotions written into this SO deeply. I reached out to them & let them know how much i loved it. & i still love it so to this day.

5. @winchest09 is adding our first dark fic to this list. the slow burn on this one is so so so so good. i found this one a long long time ago & i would say it is one of the first fics that got me to explore the mafia verse "life for rent"

6. @negans-lucille-tblr is giving us another spoicy series up in here & it even has a sequal!!!!! (look down one) the ultimate D/s winchester series. it's oh so good! "you've got me beggin"

7. & for the sequel "Mercy" this series is so good i have re-read both 2-3 times. it felt like crack the first read on both of these lol.

8. oh oh oh okay! this next. one from @pink1031 is probably one of my absolute favorite stucky series. "our best girl" was the fic that sent me down a rabbit hole of stucky fics. i was addicted after this one.

9. @pink1031 is back at it again with the ONE fic on this list i know i have read a minimum of 6 times. it is THAT good. "dirty little secret" was so scandalous and sexy. a J2 fic that had me coming back for more all the time. my escapism really shined with this one.

10. i remember finding "lemon drop" by @impala-dreamer i love the dynamic written here between Sam Winchester x the reader. the intimacy in this one-shot is beautiful. this is something i wish i could have at the end of my days or when i feel like the world is too heavy. i felt seen through this fic.

11. @tuiccim 's style of writing is something i adore & admire. I fell in love through "almost had me believing it" it is truly a work of art. I was immersed into this undercover mission with my man BUCKY BARNES.

12. oh & another from @tuiccim with "Terrigenisis" this is such a good poly-stucky fic. the way it was written felt like it could have been canon.

13. WOAH now! this next one written by @world-of-aus is ICONIC. the universe that is "starkhub" is just so delectable. i remember when it was being published in the beginning i was like a dog with a bone. i will never get enough. I can't wait to see where else it gets taken.

14. this next one is quite possibly one of my favorite mob fics. I have linked the first installment of these lovely smutty stucky fics. "tell me what you want" is the first step into such a delicious universe. thank you @angrythingstarlight for all you write.

15. an absolute banger from @sagechanoafterdark with "codename: Lazarus". i can't exclaim loud enough how good this one is. it had me on the edge of my seat. so dynamic. the order in which you read the parts for this one changes the perspective. don't worry they have put an excellent order at the bottom of the masterlist. :)

16. @avintagekiss24 i wanna start out by saying that I love the space you have created with your blog. when i found "lay me down in the tall-green grass" i thought i found fanfic heaven. i will cherish it always. i kept coming back to this one-shot to relive it as much as possible.

17. i've been thinking about "stained like georgia clay" by @georgiapeach30513 a lot lately. i remember binge-reading it & soaking up every droplet of goodness i could. ;) & that thunderstorm scene 🥵. i'll leave you with that...

18. here lies the "howling comandos tattoo au" that altered my brain chemistry just a little. @navybrat817 stole my heart long before this one dropped. however, this au had me sitting patiently waiting with my hands folded.... um no i was mentally ON MY KNEES.

19. i can confidently say that @georgiapeach30513 's "you were the one" is my favorite Lloyd hansen series ever. i crave a fics that are this good. it all started from a one-shot & then i found out a prequel was being written to it & i screamed in excitement.

20. A quality fic that i have had actual dreams about in the past. comes from @themhoodgirlz . for my 5sos girlies out there "close" tingles my brain in the right ways. i reminisce about the dynamic these two have. years ago when i was a BIG 5sos stan i lowkey hoped & dreamed for that to be me lol.

alright, alright, alright. that concludes my first rec list. I want to thank all of these amazing, amazing authors who have shared their skills & talents with the world. your works have given me sweet escapes, brightened my days, & expanded my love for all of the characters & ppl you write for. <3 all my love,

prynne

[invisible-storyteller]

Happy Birthday, Mieczyslaw

Stiles & Claudia (~850 words, gen) Written for @teenwolfrarepairevents��April Character of the Month: Stiles Stilinski

“Hey, Mieczyslaw.”

Claudia's smile was worn out and nervous on the TV screen, her messy ponytail and sleep-thirsty eyes depicting a woman who had just returned from a strenuous battle. The excited tapping of her fingers was almost disharmonious with her weary complexion, but the slight accent with which she spoke revealed her exhaustion-mixed anticipation. She looked absolutely beautiful, and so tragically young. 

She had been around Stiles’s age when this message was recorded. It was on the night his parents had taken him home from the hospital 30 years ago, but no one had remembered until they had found the tape among her old stuff while the sheriff was preparing to sell the house. 

Stiles had forgotten how her voice had sounded without the burden of fear and sickness. 

“You must be wondering: Damn, who the fuck is this woman? And okay, I might not have so many wrinkles now - although you did give me a few already -, but I'm not that old, young man, so don't get fresh with me!”

Stiles scoffed, almost not remembering how his mother used to be. Before.

“Anyway, Natalie gave me this sort of idea to create a time capsule, so here I am! Talking to you! Well, actually, talking to myself, 'cause there's no one else here.” Stiles couldn't help but laugh at that. “Hopefully, we’re watching this together.” His smile dimmed instantly. “I like to think that we’ll always have a good relationship, and that in twenty or thirty or whatever years, we’ll be laughing over how awkward and ugly I am on this video, and that I can scold you for calling me ‘ugly’ and say that you’re one to talk, you took after me.”

The image his mother had painted was bittersweet, and Stiles wasn’t sure he had been right in requesting he watched the video alone. But he wanted to cherish everything about her, just the way the camera had captured her, on the day she had become his mother.

“I guess I should talk about how I imagine you as a grown man, but I'll be honest, lisek, I don’t have a single clue.” Claudia laughed a bit self-consciously. “I’m just as young as you are, and I know that I can’t expect you to have it all figured out by the time you turn 20 or even 30. You can be so many things still, and the last thing I want for this message to be is some kind of a manual about what I want you to be. I want you to be nothing but what you already are, Mieczyslaw! Funny and stubborn - because you must have inherited those traits from me - and loyal and smart like your dad. I even bet you're braver than you think, and don’t argue with me, lisek, I’m your mother. I know better than you.”

A chuckle bubbled up from Stiles as he wiped at the salty traces of tears with his sleeve. He had missed out on his mother’s discipline as a teenager, and it was comforting if alien to experience it in 30 years' distance.

“I probably tell you this all the time, but I’m proud of you.” Here Stiles’s heart twisted painfully in his chest. “I hope that you’re happy. That there are people that you love with all your heart and that there are people who love you back just as much. I hope that you see the good in yourself, and I hope that you know that things can always change. And keep this in mind, lisek: no matter where you are in life, I'll be there with you. Always.”

Stiles gave a small nod that his mother could no longer see, and ached a little more for her to be here. To see him now. To know that Stiles was better than he used to be. That he wasn't that loud, unruly, annoying kid that drove his parents mad. That he wasn't that kid anymore who his mother ran from into certain death.

He wished she was here.

"Oh, somebody's up," He heard his mother sigh heavily on the screen as the raucous sound of crying pierced through the silence. "You're a lot to handle, you know, lisek?"

Stiles cast his eyes downwards.

“But I wouldn't change a thing about you. I love you, my little Mieczyslaw,” His mother said, and Stiles looked up in time to catch her blowing a kiss to the camera, “Kocham cię. Happy birthday, sweetheart.”

The video ended with a man's desperate shout for her wife in the distance and Claudia Stilinski rolled her eyes fondly as she went to turn the recording off. That was it.

Stiles sat there for a while, swallowing his sobs, before restarting the video. Halfway through the second watch, a hand landed gently on his shoulder and soft lips planted a kiss on the top of his head - a helpful reminder that he wasn't alone.

“Are you okay?”

Stiles silently sniffled for a bit, and then, with a tentative smile on his lips, nodded. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

And he meant it.

[asordinaryppl]

A3! Main Story: Part 4 - Act 13: Budding Spring - Episode 24: Wishing For A Family

!! further context for this chapter can be found in the moon traveler event story! translations up till chapter 9 by izumi-fanclub is here and by prideoftheknights here!

Chikage: Be careful on your way home.

Employee A: Hm? You’re not on the same flight as us, Utsuki-san?

Chikage: I have some business to take care of, so I changed my flight to tomorrow.

Employee A: Is that so? You were a big help this time, thank you so much!

Employee B: It’s thanks to you that the business negotiations went smoothly. Their attitude towards us softened with you here.

Employee B: There’s a lot to be said about the power of words, huh?

Chikage: I’m glad I could be of help.

Employee A: We’ll be leaving, then.

Chikage: (With that done… The next bus is coming soon.)

-

Chikage: (It’ll take some time getting there, so I guess I’ll get some work done.)

Chikage: …

[Keyboard keys clicking]

-

Driver: << Have a nice trip! >>

Chikage: << Thank you. >>

Chikage: (As I expected, I don’t pass as a local dressed like this.)

Chikage: (It’s been almost 20 years, hasn’t it…?)

Chikage: (The scenery has changed quite a bit since then. I shouldn’t expect it to be the same after so long, though…)

Chikage: (For now, I should go to a place where people like to gather…)

-

Shopkeeper: << Welcome. >>

Customer A: << I got a real shock! >>

Customer B: << No, seriously. >>

Customer C: << Dad said he’ll take some time to get here. >>

Customer D: << Let’s eat ahead of him then. >>

Customer E: << What should I eat… >

Customer F: << I’m not even that hungry yet. >>

Chikage: (How nostalgic. Just sitting here has me listening to various languages from left and right.)

Chikage: (It’s a great place for multilingual input.)

Chikage: (If our theater company wants to increase our overseas audience in the future, supporting many languages is important…)

-

Chikage: (If I stay here too long, I’ll miss the bus.)

-

Chikage: (There’s a lot of graffiti on this wall… Was there this much before?)

Chikage: (It doesn’t seem like the public security has worsened any.)

Resident: << This part’s already full. Unless you wrote in real small letters, it’d be impossible for you to fit anything in. >>

Chikage: << Does the graffiti here have some kind of meaning? >>

Resident: << Ah, so you don’t know. They say that if you write your name on this wall, your dreams will come true. >>

Residents: << Even tourists started writing things here. >>

Resident: << Though the owner of this place doesn’t seem to care, so everything just stays here. >>

Resident: << At first there were only one or two names written here. >>

Chikage: — —

Chikage: (This one’s my name…)

Chikage: (There’s only one person who’d do something like this, and there’s no mistaking this handwriting—)

-

“Hey.”

“Do you have a family?”

“Do you have a dream?”

-

Chikage: …

Chikage: (Your dreams will come true, huh… Did the rumor come first? Or was my name written here first?)

Chikage: (Good grief, I could never tell what that person was thinking.)

Chikage: (My dream, huh… You could say that I was able to come here because it came true, in a way.)

Resident: << Hm? I feel like I’ve seen your face before… No, you just resemble someone I used to know. >>

Chikage: ?

Resident: << You look a little like an old coworker of mine. Your smile, especially. >>

Resident: << Though he passed away about a decade ago. >>

Resident: << His wife got sick and died several years ago… They had a son, but I think they entrusted him to someone far away. >>

Chikage: << … I had heard that some distant relatives of mine live around this area, so there might be some connection. >>

Resident: << Might be. If his wife were still alive… I’m sure she’d be happy. >>

Resident: << A long time ago, when I asked her about her son, she told me she’ll never see him again, but that she hopes he’s not alone. >>

Resident: << Looking at you makes me feel like I just met their son. >>

Chikage: …

Chikage: (They did what they wanted till the very end.)

Chikage: (I didn’t feel like they loved me. I don’t even know if I loved them.)

Chikage: (When I was a kid, they loomed over me like a large, undeniable existence. Even after they left me, even after time passed, they remain imprinted on me like a sludge stain that can’t be removed…)

Chikage: (But, I see… I don’t have to look at this name anymore.)

Chikage: (This name doesn’t exist anywhere in this world.)

Chikage: (... Just what is this feeling? It’s not nostalgia, or sadness, or even relief.)

Chikage: (It’s like there’s a small space in my heart… And this fits perfectly in there.)

Resident: << Since they might be your distant relatives, do you want to visit their graves? >>

Chikage: << — No, the bus will be coming soon. I have to hurry back to my family. >>

Resident: << Is that so? Have a safe trip. >>

Chikage: << Thank you very much. >>

-

Chikage: (... I don’t think anyone will be on right now.)

UC has entered the chat UC: I’m about to go to a hotel near the airport. taruchi: good work UC: Ah, I see. You’re not that far from where I am, are you? taruchi: i think i’m between japan and where you are taruchi: how did your new challenge go? UC: Who knows? I do know that I’m glad I came here, at least.

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[blindedbythedarkness]

Dear Josh,

A few weeks ago it should have been your 25th birthday. Where did all that time go?! In a few more months it'll be five years since you died; you only made it to 20.

I feel like I've healed a lot since you passed. I've long since moved through the five stages of grief and accepted that you're gone. Writing to you was a huge part of it. I've also relived that horrific day in therapy, which helped my mind reprocess the whole thing and took the sting out of the memory. We still visit your grave once a year or thereabouts, but I've found a balance between missing you and moving on.

There's only one thing that I'm still holding back on. A few weeks before you died I remember you singing along to Roaring 20's by Panic! At the Disco and I could never bring myself to listen to it again since. In truth I can't really remember how you sounded when you sang it now; though I remember being amused it wasn't quite in tune (I'd never have told you though). I don't even particularly like the song, nor the band anymore for that matter. But this song is so intertwined with your memory that I still actively avoid it.

The irony of it being about the Roaring 20's isn't lost on me. You never made it to the 2020's. You never lived your own 20's. And this decade so far has been far from roaring. I guess maybe any hope of that died with you, or maybe we were all just unlucky.

Knowing it's been half a decade without you brings some pretty mixed feelings. Logically, I still wish you'd never died- any life cut short is tragic and it will always break my heart that you were murdered by your own sadness. I can't lie though; a part of me is glad you've missed out on half a decade of global crisis and misery. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, so I guess it's a testament to me still loving you that it hurts me to imagine you enduring this along with us.

I also fear that had you lived until now, we wouldn't still be friends. That you'd have abandoned me to walk alongside the brainwashed masses, participating in eugenics for the sake of brunch. Maybe it's selfish of me to be glad that our friendship got cut short before it got soured. But, I just can't shake that thought.

I just hope that one day, maybe when we pass the anniversary of your 30th birthday, I'll feel different. Maybe I'll have finally picked off that last scab and listened to the Roaring 20's. Maybe the world will be looking up enough for me to say "hey, actually I still wish you were here because it was all worth it in the end." Hopefully, I won't find myself joining you between now and then.

I guess I'll come visit soon, Josh.

Lots of love,

C

[littlevampiregirl]

When I was like 16 I had a secret blog that like nobody followed me on, I just used it like a diary yknow for overly personal stuff, bitching & complaining, etc. anyway one day a popular blogger followed it & I was like ???? I have no idea how she even found it because it’s not like I reblogged anything or whatnot? And no idea why she followed me because she was this pretty popular cool aesthetic girl in her 20s on tumblr & mine was obviously the bitchblog of an angsty mentally ill teen. But she would like my posts & occasionally comment things along the lines of “hope ur ok!! Feel better soon”. I was always too scared to interact with her but I did keep up with her blog because she was lovely.

Anyway plot twist she died 4 years ago. Her blog has just been a ghost ever since. I never did end up reaching out. I always regretted that. I don’t know why she decided to follow that blog or how she even found it because she was genuinely like a really popular blogger everyone loved her she was also beautiful. She must’ve genuinely had a good heart. I felt fucking devastated when I found out she died. I really wish I had said something like hey I know this is weird but you followed my private angst blog when I was 16 & you were always so kind to me even though I was obvs a loser…..idk I’m probably always gonna feel a bit bad about that.

[litcityblues]

'Transformers: Age of Extinction --A Review

Look, I'm not naive. No one is going to mistake a Transformers movie for high art- that's not what these movies are for. You get some popcorn, you sit down, you get a frosty beverage and you watch gigantic metal robots beat the living fuck out of each for a couple of hours and you have a moderately entertaining time. Similarly, this is a Michael Bay movie. He is many things, but Martin Scorsese he is not and his movies tend to be a visual assault on the senses for a couple of hours and I'll give him this: he has a distinct visual style. Things like 'plot' and 'acting', if they happen are just bonuses.

Medium Spawn Jr. has become obsessed with these movies and, since he's five and the wife was having her book club downstairs while I wanted to watch Ahsoka, he wanted to watch Transformers: Age of Extinction, so I, being the good parent that I am, granted his wish, sat down and watched this movie.

I am amazed by this movie. I am amazed that it grossed $1.104 billion dollars at the box office. I am amazed that it somehow managed to get Stanley Tucci, Mark Wahlberg, Kelsey Grammer, and Titus Welliver to agree to be in it-- though in their defense, actors have to eat and pay their bills, so I can't fault them for that.

This movie opens by explaining that 'The Creators' (whoever they are) dumped a bunch of 'seeds' all over the Earth 65 million years ago and wiped out the dinosaurs- providing the viewer with a big, gigantic tease that perhaps the Dinobots are involved in this movie, but viewer, prepare yourself for disappointment because they don't really feature all that much at all.

In the present day, it turns out the Autobots have been driven underground following the Battle of Chicago because humanity panicked and didn't want to make distinctions between the 'good robots' and the 'bad robots' and a CIA Black Ops Unit has teamed up with a Cybertronian bounty hunter to find the survivors.

Meanwhile, in Texas- because that's where you want to put Mark Wahlberg if he's in a movie. Texas. Inventor Cade Yeager is struggling to keep his house and make money. (I'll be honest: his whole character arc would have worked a lot better if he had been a mechanic who is a would-be inventor in Boston, but hey. Choices were made.) He's a single father to Tessa (Nicola Peitz) and because he was a teen Dad, he's super overprotective and doesn't want Tessa dating.

Naturally, this means that she is.

Look, I have nothing against Nicola Peitz. She does well enough with the material she's given to work with, but there is very much, "What if we take Megan Fox's character from the first movie, dress her the same way, make her blonde, and give her pink lipstick" thing going on here that is just, well, lazy. If we must keep making these movies, can we try a different type of female character? Just to see what happens?

One thing leads to another and Cade finds an abandoned truck that turns out to be Optimus Prime and his well-meaning associate/employee Lucas Flannery (T.J. Miller) notifies the government that they might have found an Autobot in hopes of getting the reward money and, more to the point, making some actual money. That brings the bad guys and bounty hunters and things start exploding- and when anything explodes in this movie, it seems to set off fireworks as well, Optimus starts fighting and they are rescued in the nick of time by Tessa's secret boyfriend, the rally car driver, Shane (Jack Reynor.)

Craziest thing ever: according to the wiki-page for this movie, he's supposed to be Irish, but you could have fooled me because I didn't pick up on that at all.

Also, in a super-endearing moment when over-protective Dad, Cade finds out that Shane is 20 and Tessa is 17 and objects to that for obvious, potential statutory rape reasons, Shane whips out an actual, laminated copy of Texas' Romeo and Juliet law and smugly informs Cade that they had a pre-existing foundation for their relationship so it's not statutory rape at all. (If you carry around a laminated copy of a law to prove that your relationship isn't, well, creepy and potentially illegal, perhaps you should date someone your own age. Just saying.)

There are the usual plot points, action shots, robot fights, and product placement that's about as subtle as a brick to the back of the head. (Mark Wahlberg angrily drinks a Bud Light at one point and yells at a motorist which is hilarious in today's context.)

But what really matters isn't how this movie ends, it's where this movie ends, because of a creative decision that I'm sure got every studio executive involved in this movie absolutely slobbering with glee, they find a reason to go to China and in a quest to get that sweet, sweet, Chinese box office money.

Banking on the fact that American audiences will no absolutely nothing about Chinese geography and that Chinese audiences will just be excited to see giant robot fights, nothing makes sense. They land in Shanghai. Optimus goes off- literally flies with nary a problem, which I'm sure the People's Liberation Air Force just kind of shrugged and said, 'Eh, it's a gigantic flying robot. Who cares?'- to noted quiet and obscure part of China, Tianmen Mountain National Park to wake up the Dinobots- who were found at the beginning of the movie in ice like in Greenland or some shit, but are now somehow in China. Characters blow up a factory in Shanghai but somehow decide that they have to get to Hong Kong- 700 miles away, but I'm sure easier to film in at the time.

There is a big showdown in Hong Kong, including the 'not at all insisted upon by the Chinese government' lines of a Hong Kong Police Officer saying 'We'll need help from the Central Government!' and the heroic defense minister- finally noticing that there are gigantic robots wrecking up the place assuring everyone, 'The Central Government will always defend Hong Kong!" This movie was made in 2014, well before the Chinese government got tired of the whole democracy business and crushed it in Hong Kong, but man do those lines hit differently today. The Dinobots (remember them?) show up to save the day and Optimus is riding one of them and it's kind of cool, but other than that, they serve their purpose as a largely meaningless plot point. Just for kicks- again, as subtle as a brick to the back of the head- we see a blown-up bus with a Victoria's Secret ad featured on it and just to remind audiences that they're in China, Stanley Tucci's character gets pissed that they get trapped in a store with a lot of windows and sweeps a table clear of mah-jong tiles.

The greatest crime of all? Somehow this movie is 2 HOURS AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES LONG.

My Grade: * out of ****. Do not watch this movie, unless you enjoy hate-watching movies, then you'll have a great time.

[one-leaf-grimoire]

"Child of the Sun"

Chapter 6

masterlist

Synopsis: Julia follows the young Spade princess into the night, and gets into trouble

Four Hours Earlier

It was on nights like these that Julia wished she had inherited her mother’s flame magic. Her own flame was far from hot; it burned with an icy cold frost, a burst of cool purple before a black void appeared. No warmth existed in that place.

“Brrr…. Cold, cold, so cold…”

Julia paced around the palace gardens, rubbing her arms vigorously to generate any kind of warmth. Inside the Spade palace, laughter and music could be heard; warmth. However, for whatever reason, Julia had found herself unable to enjoy it.

Why am I even here?

She sighed, pacing around in a circle, past the frost-bitten roses.

This trip had been a great experience, sure. Emperor Yuno and Queen Fleur had been amazing hosts, and Julia had learned a lot about how their neighboring kingdom worked. However, something about the whole place gave her an unsettling feeling.

This is where that battle happened, right? Over 20 years ago.

It wasn't hard to imagine the cold stone walls of the castle crackling and creaking with magical power as a battle raged inside. The whole fiasco was barely talked about now, but Julia, curious, had asked her mother about it a few years back. She told her about the devils, about the gate to the underworld… and about the Zogratis siblings.

Julia could keenly remember where that conversation led.

"There… was a fourth one. A fourth Zogratis. He was the one who planned everything, every last detail. With his time magic, he was able to see the future. It's a miracle that we managed to defeat him."

Her mother didn't like to talk about it, either. Later, Julia learned that Lisa had been kidnapped by that man, earning his trust until it was time to betray him. But, something about that story never seemed quite right.

"Mom… Dad used to have time magic too, didn't he?"

"... he did."

That was all Lisa would say on the matter. When Julia was older, she learned the rest of the story from someone else.

"Lucius Zogratis took over your father's body. That's how he was able to trick us."

She had learned about that when she was 15. She was 18 now, and the thought still made her queasy. She mentioned it to her parents once when they were alone, and the sad look between the two of them told her everything she needed to know.

They never wanted me to find out about this. How… hurt they both were. Not just dad, but mom…

Julia was suddenly jerked from her thoughts by the sound of crunching footsteps in the snow. Startled, she looked up just in time to see a tiny figure dash across the garden and into the hedge maze.

Huh? What was that?!

Worried and intrigued, Julia took off after the shadow, glad to move around to ward off the cold. She followed the footsteps by their sound, until she turned a corner and caught up.

"Hey! What are you doing out here? Are you-"

Julia froze up when the figure suddenly stopped and turned to look at her with wide amber eyes.

"P-Princess Aurele?! What are you doing out here by yourself?!"

The tiny kid was much younger than either of Julia's youngest siblings, yet didn't seem too bothered by the cold. Maybe that was because of her thick little coat, or maybe because she had lived here all her life. However, Aurele shook her head, her black hair fluffy and dusted with snowflakes.

"No! I'm not going back!" she said before Julia could suggest such a thing. Determined, she turned around, and pointed ahead. "Bell flew away! I have to catch her!"

Bell? Julia thought, wondering if that could be a pet bird, or possibly an insect. Either way, it wouldn't fare very well in the cold snow. However, she wasn't about to let Emperor Yuno's only daughter run away into the cold night. "Er- princess," Julia said awkwardly, putting on a smile and bending down to look at her more directly. "I'm sure Bell will come back, but you need to get somewhere nice and warm!" And so do I. "We should head back before-"

"No!" Aurele demanded, before turning around and sprinting off once again. 

"WAH! Come back!"

Without a second thought, Julia sprinted after her again, determined to bring her back to the castle safely.

Aurele was surprisingly fast for a child who couldn't be more than 5 years old, but Julia eventually caught up, jogging behind her and desperately trying to convince her to turn back. However, nothing worked. Eventually, they slipped out of the grounds through a gap in the gate, a secret entrance that Julia hadn't seen before. "We really shouldn't be leaving!!" she told Aurele, wondering at this point if it would be permissible to just grab the girl and run back to the castle. "Please, Aurele-"

They were in the city now. Darkness cloaked them as Aurele navigated around corners, across empty streets, through alleyways-

And then, suddenly, she screeched to a halt. Julia nearly tripped over her, but managed to skid to a stop in time. "What is it?" she whispered, peering up ahead. Slowly, Aurele, who had gone silent, raised her hand and pointed at the junction ahead of them, where four alleyways connected. Julia saw shadowy figures there, seemingly unaware of their presence. 

"Bad men," Aurele whispered. "Daddy knows them."

Julia gulped, wondering what exactly these men must have done to grab the attention of the Spade Emperor himself. Slowly, she knelt down into the snow, her hand touching Aurele's shoulder. 

"Listen to me, Aurele. Run back and grab help. Get your parents. I'll make sure they don't follow you."

Aurele's amber eyes widened in shock. Julia smiled confidently. 

"I'll be alright, don't worry. I'm the daughter of a Wizard King, after all."

"W-whoa!" Aurele whispered, stars appearing in her eyes. "Really?" Julia nodded, and the little girl smiled, before turning around. "Okay! I'll get help!"

"Good! Run quickly!"

As the girl ran off, Julia redirected her attention to the intersection, closing her eyes to listen more carefully to what they were whispering about.

"We almost had it."

"Damn… so, you have no idea where the Spirit went at all?"

"No. We got it separated from the Emperor, but then it just flew down into the city and disappeared. Probably hiding somewhere…"

There were three of them. Julia frowned, her heart pounding. Spirit? They could only be talking about Sylph, the Wind Spirit that had a contract with Yuno. Bell, she suddenly realized. That must be Bell! What do these men want with Bell…

"She's not going to be happy," one of the men said. "This is the one Spirit we may have been able to catch, while it's between users."

Julia didn't want to hear any more. After sucking in a deep breath, she straightened up, and stepped out into the opening.

"Am I interrupting something?"

The men whirled around, eyes widening.

"A magic knight?!" one exclaimed. "All the way out here?!"

"Kill her!" the other yelled, his Grimoire out.

"Wait!" The third one's eyes were fixed on Julia's face, recognition flickering like flames. "That's-"

Julia had already attacked, flashing by them with pops of purple and black.

"Void Magic: Violet Plague."

The men cried out as black spots trailed behind Julia, causing them to fall over. However, one of them seemed unfazed, raising his hands and deflecting the voids with a shimmer of sparks.

Not good! Julia thought. My magic can be canceled out by Spatial Magic like his. I need something more powerful, to overwhelm him…

With a sly smile, she turned on her heel, her Golden Dawn cloak flaring out behind her.

"Mana Zone: Dark Battlefield!"

All at once, voids burst open around the intersection, warping the space around it and blasting cold air onto them. Julia felt her skin prick with mana, and she willed herself to stay in control.

Control it. Control it.

"Ah!!! I can't move!" one of the men yelled, frozen in place as the voids tugged on his body, taut with fear.

"Hold on!" The spatial magic user tried to move his hand towards his grimoire.

Control it. Control it.

In a flash, Julia raised her hand, willing her mana to burn through the space around the grimoire. 

Control it. Control it.

The grimoire disappeared into the darkness, causing an anguished scream to ring out from its owner.

Julia grinned, happy to have captured one of their weapons. Now, I just need to knock them out! By the time help arrives, I'll be sitting here waiting for them!

"Ice magic!"

Someone yelled out a spell, and Julia turned just in time to see three deadly-sharp icicles shoot at her.

So deadly-sharp, they would impale her in an instant.

Her eyes widened, panic and adrenaline clutching her heart.

No!

She threw up her hands, and a wall of void was burned in the spot, swallowing up the icicles. However, her heart still pounded, the girl caught off-guard by the near-deadly attack.

Breathe- breathe-

The void stuttered.

Control it. Control-

And then it exploded.

Unable to control the surge of mana from her body, Julia could do nothing but cry out in pain as it engulfed her, too, leaving her suspended in nothingness.

Nothingness…

Why…

Fear. Panic. Anger. Regret.

Each emotion caused the void to get bigger, to consume her body further.

She had always heard people talk about how your life flashes before your eyes before you die, but Julia hadn't believed it until now. The images, the memories, only increased her despair, until she couldn't tell where she began and the void ended.

Regret, after regret, after regret flooded in.

I'll never see the twins join a squad.

I'll never be a captain, or even a senior magic knight.

I'll never see Juno again. Or mom, or dad.

It was so cold. Her eyes were open, but she couldn't see anything.

No… no… not like this…

And then, it was warm again.

Julia was being held. A soft voice wafted across her soul. With a shaky breath, she started to cry.

"No, no, it's alright, my darling, my love… Julia…"

That was her name. Julia.

"There's no reason to cry. I'm here. I'll protect you… from everything. I promise."

She couldn't see her mother's face, but she knew it was her. Lisa had been the first soul she felt, seperate from her own.

The memory was fading. Julia would return to that warm nothingness once again.

Someone else was there. A man.

Who…?

He was gentle. His hair was black. His voice was like her father's, but…

That was the last thing Julia saw, before the darkness returned, and there was nothing but starlight.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Four Hours later, Lisa and Julius rushed into the hospital, followed by Marx just behind them. Lisa didn't head Julius's shout as she arrived outside the room, bursting inside without hesitation. What she saw made her cry out and fall to her knees.

Julia was laying in the hospital bed, her skin pale, almost blue. Her eyes were glassy, staring at nothing, but the worst part was the voids. Numerous splotches of black, inky space were drifting across her skin, causing parts of her body to disappear and reappear again. As if she were fading in and out of existence forever.

"W-w-w-"

Lisa could barely form words. Owen was there, alongside Mimosa and Annick. Mimosa was crying openly, her hands spread over Julia, green healing magic flowing down on the unconscious girl. Owen looked up sharply as he saw Lisa enter, quickly rushing to her side. 

"She's alive, she's alive," he repeated, but Lisa could barely hear him. She felt Julius's arm wrap around her, gently pulling her back to her feet. She looked up at him, still in shock, only to see that his eyes were locked on Julia, his face completely devoid of color.

"What happened to her?" he asked quietly, although his voice was wavering, far from calm.

"She was fighting a group of criminals in the Spade Kingdom," Owen explained quickly. "We don't really know how, but her magic expanded rapidly… almost like an explosion. She fell inside…"

Oh god… no, no, no-

Memories of that terrible day 16 years ago flooded Lisa's mind. The day she almost lost Julia to her own magic. And now…

"Yuno was able to contain it, and save her. If it weren't for Fleur and Mimosa…" Owen's voice trailed off, before he shook his head, disregarding the possibility. "Luckily, she's stable now, but we will have to contain the rest of the void stuck to her body. Lisa…" The older man sucked in a breath, before gesturing at the bed. 

"We need your magic… with me, you, Mimosa, and Annick, we should be able to save her."

Save her…

"I-I'm sorry," Mimosa suddenly said, tears still in her eyes. "I-I-I was supposed to protect her on this trip, I sh-shouldn't have-"

"It's no one's fault." Annick took Mimosa's hand, giving it a squeeze before she looked at Lisa. "This is our only chance. We have to do it now."

"... right."

Lisa gulped, still short of breath and blurry-eyed with tears. She looked up at Julius.

"Together. We need as much power as we can muster- to- t-to-"

"To save our daughter." Julius finished her sentence, nodding solemnly and brushing tears out of his own eyes. Lisa could feel the panic washing off of him, too.

They both closed their eyes, still hand-in-hand. Then, mana burst forth, their marks glowing so bright it dimmed the rest of the light in the room. Owen flinched, but looked back to see that the pair was looking at him, their eyes ablaze.

"... I'm ready."

They walked to the bed, raising their hands over Julia. Mimosa, Annick, and Owen did the same, before unleashing the full force of their healing magic upon her.

I failed her… I failed her…

"No, you didn't."

I did! I was always supposed to protect her!!! And now…

Two pairs of arms were around her as she sobbed, openly and bitterly. Their warmth was the only thing keeping her together right now.

"You did everything a mother could. And now, you'll save her. You're protecting her, even now."

Slowly, the dark splotches of void began to disappear from Julia's skin. Her breaths shuddered, her hands trembling.

But Lisa could not stop crying, even as power surged through her, as those arms held her soul so, so close.

Please… please… don't let my daughter die…

[21witnokidz]

IN THE GHETTO

Chapter 20

A/N: I'm sorry I've been inactive due to pure laziness so as an apology here's a long and satisfying chapter

“Alright good boy copper!”

It was your turn to take the dog on a walk and he managed to catch himself a rabbit. Despite you and Arthur splitting you still decided to keep the dog and take turns taking care of him.

When you got back to camp you could hear the loud cries of a baby.

Jack Marston, John and Abigail’s son was born 2 years ago. He’s a good kid but he can sure cry his heart out. Especially since John up and left us.

John’s explanation was that he thought the baby wasn’t his. Before he got Abigail pregnant she had already been with half the gang so it made him anxious. When the baby came out he couldn’t really tell who’s it was but as the days went on it started to look more and more not like him.

John is still pretty young but damn you thought having a baby would mature him a little.

“Hey Abigail you doing alright?” You stepped inside Abigail’s little tent.

“Does it look like it? The baby won’t shut up and his father ain’t even here. How am I supposed to do this alone?”

“You’re not alone”

“This baby needs his father!”

You took Jack from her arms and tried to rock him a little. Since you were still getting used to handling a baby you didn’t really know how to calm him down. He just kept on crying.

Abigail sighed and took him back.

“It’s ok y/n you shouldn’t have to. I just wish I wasn’t so careless. Even now Dutch and them look at me differently. The only ones who still treat me the same is the girls, you and Arthur. Y/n.. you and Arthur have known John way longer than I have. Can you please bring him back?”

You never really been on a job with Arthur ever since the break up so you really didn’t want to do this. But you were going to for your friend.

“Alright I’ll see what I can do”

You walked out the tent and let out the deep breath you were holding ever since Abigail mentioned Arthur’s name. God you wished he didn’t have such an effect on you.

You looked to see Charles heading your way.

“She ok?”

“Yea but she asked me to go with Arthur to try and find John”

“I could come with you guys”

“No you don’t have to. I know you're a good hunter but I don't know if that'll still apply to humans"

Charles sat you down and began massaging your shoulders.

“You’re so tense. I think you should rest up and go tomorrow. I saved you some food while you were gone”

“Thank you Charles” See Charles was nice but the thing is. You can’t stop thinking about Arthur. You just didn’t want to do anything about it because you didn’t want to break his heart.

“Speaking of Arthur I’m gonna go see what he wants. He was calling me earlier when I was busy so I’m gonna go check on him”

Charles walked over to the horses where he found Arthur feeding his horse.

“Arthur” Charles nodded.

“Charles! I was asking if you could teach me how to use that bow of yours. If you’d be so kind”

“Sure thing”

Charles handed Arthur his own bow and they went into the woods.

“Sorry about what happened between you and Mary”

“Yea it was never meant to be anyway”

“What makes you say that?”

“I dunno I guess things just weren’t in their right place. You ever feel like that sometimes?”

“Yea. Hey look. A boar”

The men ducked and quietly kneeled towards the beast.

“Oh Pearson will be happy with this one”

“Ok just put the arrow in the string and slightly draw it back. Not too much though”

Arthur drew the arrow and missed completely, scaring off the boar.

“Damn! It got away. I'm sorry my mind wasn’t clear”

“What’s wrong?”

“Just everything from y/n to Mary and John. This is exactly what I meant when I said everything isn’t in the right place”

“What about y/n?”

“Oh don’t play dumb you kno- oh that’s right… you don’t know”

Charles stopped what he was doing and raised his brow.

“Well I didn’t wanna be the one to tell ya this partner but before you joined us we had some history”

“She never told me that”

“I mean there's nothing between us now but I can’t lie. I think about her a lot. Even with Mary, I only got with her to try and forget about what we once had”

“You still love her?”

“Listen that don’t matter. You two are in love now and that’s it”

“I’m not sure about that. Even when me and y/n are together it never feels like she’s really there. And whenever we talk she somehow always makes the topic about something that has to do with you. I didn’t want to believe it then but I guess I always had a feeling there was something between you two”

“I’m sorry. Let’s just go back”

“No it’s fine. Just let me know how you feel about her and I’ll leave you two alone. And be honest”

“Well.. I only ever talked about this with Dutch and Hosea. We first met and got together when we were just kids. She was my first everything. God we were so young and stupid. We’ve been through a lot of things together. Done a lot of things together… said a lot of things. But like I said that don’t matter no more. You two are gonna have a baby and that’ll be the end of whatever we had”

“Baby? What the hell are you talking about?”

“When you guys were in town. I heard you talking about a baby in the store”

Charles couldn’t help but bend over laughing with his hands on his stomach.

“No Arthur you got it all wrong. We were talking about Abigail’s baby”

“Oh” Arthur scratched his neck “well now I feel stupid”

“Not to be mean but you really are an idiot. If you love that girl so much then go get her. I’m sure she still loves you”

“What about you?”

“Forget about me. I’d want her to be with the man she really wants”

Arthur just shook his head “Man you really are different from everyone else here. How’d a guy like you even end up with guys like us?”

“Sometimes I wonder that myself”

By the time Arthur and Charles made it back it was already dark.

“She’s most likely sleeping now so you might as well go in the morning”

“Thanks again Charles”

Morning

You walked out your tent to get some coffee and sat down next to Charles.

“Hi” you kissed him on the cheek.

“Y/n can I talk to you?”

“Yea what’s up?”

“Arthur told me all about you two and I realize now that I’ve been holding you back. I heard your story and you two really belong to each other. Because you’re both idiots”

You just had a blank stare and started laughing a little.

“Aw man. No, you’re right. I’m sorry for all this Charles. This whole thing has been a mess”

“Don’t dwell on it too much. I just think everything should go back to how it used to be. John should be back and you and Arthur should be together again. Even when you aren’t together you still compliment each other perfectly”

“Thank you Charles” you got up and hugged him.

You heard Arthur call your name from the horses for you to get ready and ride off.

“Ok I gotta go now I guess I’ll see you when I get back”

“Yea. And bring that other idiot back with you. It’s not the same without hearing the banter between him and Abigail”

You walked. No you power walked to where Arthur was. Now that everything was resolved you were happy to be around him again. Well almost everything was resolved. You still had to deal with Mary. Still you’d find your way around that soon enough.

Arthur had a smug smile when you approached him. “Hey troublemaker”

“You call me the troublemaker? Get real Morgan. Weren’t you the one who got John stuck in that O’Driscoll camp?”

“Who was the one who thought it’d be a good idea to shoot at birds deep in the night?”

“Who was the one who decided to burn the tent down trying to boil WATER”

“So we’re not gonna talk about that one time you almost led an actor to suicide?”

“No that was you! Don’t put that on me!”

“But you definitely made a contribution”

“Ok fine we’ll call it even”

-

“So I heard some people saying that there was a man who was camping out at the woods taking bounties”

“Yea that sounds like him. Come on”

You got off your horses and walked into the nearby town with the witnesses.

You saw a woman hanging out her clothes to dry and Arthur kicked his boot up on her wash bucket to greet her. Is he trying to show off or?

“Excuse me ma’am. Have you seen a dirty man bout yay tall” he put his hand up to his chin to show a poor demonstration of John’s height “he’s dirty and smells like dog”

“Oh you know what we should’ve gotten Copper to track him down that would’ve been easier” You explained.

Arthur lowered his head and sighed. “Listen can you just tell us where he is?”

“Well folks said he was gettin’ rough in that bar over there. I wouldn’t recommend gettin’ him riled up though I heard he bites people” The woman responded

You and Arthur just laughed. “Thank you ma’am. Let’s go”

“Y’know I never got the chance to tell you this but I’m happy for you and Mary”

“Me and Mary ain’t together no more”

“REALLY? I mean- really?? Why what happened?”

“Just didn’t feel right” he looked at you.

When you two entered the bar you already heard a ruckus.

“I told you my name ain’t John Marston. It’s Rip Van Winkle!”

“And I told you I don’t serve criminals. This is your wanted poster right here ain’t it?” The bartender pulled out the bounty and John let out a noise you could only identify as shock.

“That’s uh- that’s not me”

“Oh that’s him alright” you spoke up.

John slowly turned around with a scowl on his face.

“What are you two doing here?”

“What are YOU doing here?”

“Listen I don’t care what y’all have to say I’m not coming back”

“Abigail is really struggling without you and you’re just out here getting drunk without a care in the world“

“Y/n I put all my heart into caring for Abigail when she was pregnant. Now I come to find out that the baby ain’t even mine. It looks like it could be Dutch’s”

“Does that even matter? I thought you loved her”

“And I thought she loved me!”

“Alright I’ve had enough” Arthur came and grabbed John by the ear “yer coming back with us ya hear? You need to grow up and be a man!”

Arthur dragged him outside with you behind them and you were found surrounded by the police.

“I told you it’s them. Arthur Morgan, Y/N L/N, and John Marston all lined up!” The bartender slipped away while y’all were talking and got the law here.

“Well I’ll be damned” one of them tipped their hat. “Alright all of you come nice and easy now”

“What do we do?” You looked at Arthur.

“Just comply” he put his hands up and you and John followed.

IN JAIL

Now you three idiots were sitting looking dumb in jail. Now you finally realized why you three got that nickname. After all, before John came it used to be the two idiots. Me and Arthur. It makes you wonder. When Jack grows up is he gonna be a new addition to this unruly group of dimwits?

“I really thought she loved me” John muttered.

“She does John” you walked over to his side and put a hand on his back “and if you think she didn’t love you back then she has to now after all you’ve done for her. And to be honest, she’s not the only one who needs you. We need you. Including Arthur”

“Nah don’t bring me into this” Arthur asserted. “But y/n’s right. Some people in the camp need you”

You nudged his arm. “Ok I need you too from time to time”

“What the hell do you two know about love anyway? It’s not like you ever made it work out with each other. When we first met you two was like Romeo and Juliet and now it's all messed up. Arthur has Mary and you have Charles”

“Well actually..” you started.

“We kinda got..” Arthur continued.

“Dumped” you both said in unison.

Immediately John’s face brightened.

“So you two are going strong again!?” He said with a smile.

“We never said that-“ Arthur started.

“We’re just open now” you finished.

“Oh come on. You two are literally finishing each other’s sentences. Maybe if you two get back together then my mind will be convinced that me and Abigail can get back together too”

“Or how about if you go back to camp now then maybe me and Arthur will think about it”

“Alright”

Arthur looked at you and smiled, happy that you were ready to try again.

“Hey buddy!” You called out to the sheriff keeping watch of you three and handed him a 20 dollar bill. “Come on I know you want it”

The sheriff took the dollar and released you then shut the door when John and Arthur tried to walk out.

“What the hell?”

“She was the only one who gave me the 20 so she’s the only one who gets to leave”

They rolled their eyes and put the money into his hands and they were released.

Back at camp

Everything was back to normal now. John was back. Everyone was happy and you didn’t have to worry anymore.

You sat by a lake with Copper right next to you until you heard Arthur come up behind you.

“I ain’t bothering you am I?”

“No”

He sat down next to you and started petting Copper. “So we’re open now huh?”

“How would you explain it?” You laughed.

“I don’t know. All I do know is that I was a fool to try and get with Mary when I was the one who broke up with you. Are you mad at me?”

“A little”

“I understand. I don’t expect you to forgive me but I’m sorry”

Copper stood up to lay across you and Arthur’s legs.

You two looked at each other.

“Do you forgive me y/n?”

You put your hand on top of Arthur’s and he knew his answer.

[mangodestroyer]

Lately, I've been thinking about how, as I get older, I lose more and more of my desire to be in a relationship.

I mean, as a young teenager, I was never really that curious about them anyway. But I decided one day to "give it a try" and asked someone out and... oh, boy! That led to basically half the class bullying me for being "hideous" and "creepy" (I'm AFAB, btw, and I know women can be creepy, it's just that creepiness isn't normally associated with them).

So that pretty much put me off from the idea for a while. And gave me some serious insecurities about my appearance. But I figured... that was middle school? Maybe those kids were just being jerks, and I have changed a lot since then.

I actually thought for a while that I had become more attractive in my 20s. Well... I DID. Even had someone point it out without my mentioning it. I have a nice figure now, I dress better, I style my hair differently, have a better care routine, and my personality has improved.

Although I did date someone. Once. For one and a half years. The person had zero interest in actually treating this like a relationship though, never introduced me to people, became pretty rude pretty quickly, and would only complimented me for my figure.

And speaking of that figure... I notice I get catcalled a lot more now that I have one. But I still don't see anyone approach me and actually try to get to know me. Well... not unless they're leading a parade of red flags and are an actual creep.

And, idk, recently I did just try to act friendly to someone who I thought I could possibly become good friends with. One of the first things they did was tell me they weren't interested in dating me. The interaction was platonic... Later when they heard that I sometimes get catcalled, they said, "Men will **** anyone." And in general, while I was still around these people, interactions with them just seemed a little hostile. Like they kept assuming the worst possible meaning when I said things. And yeah, I do have people act rude to me in public pretty often.

So lately... I've been feeling down about this like I used to long ago. Now I'm starting to wonder if I'm ONLY appealing because of my figure. Not my face, not my personality, just my figure. Or, um, how most of my interactions with people are just them seeing what I can do for them. Or insulting me. Otherwise, people don't seem all that interested.

Even worse... I found out recently that it's a thing to go for "unattractive people" because they'll put more effort into the relationship to keep you, and you won't have to try as hard. You could just use them as a "starter." Was I a fucking starter?

So that's just it. It's about not feeling appreciated as an individual. Feeling like no one finds you interesting or likable. Or just feeling like you'll never be loved and cherished. And it's not just for relationships, but friendships as well. And unfortunately, no matter how much I try to overcome it, there always seems to be this part of me that wants close companionship. I want to feel attractive and lovable too. It's not like I have a healthy family to fall back on...

And oooohhh... how I get so jealous whenever I see someone else in a seemingly happy, loving relationship! Or if someone else is wildly successful at something in general and gets recognized by a bunch of people for it. Ugh! It burns! Like, I can sometimes get sad seeing happy relationships in fiction but can at least tell myself, "Hey, it's fiction. It's supposed to be idealistic." But then I see it irl and think, "Damnit! It can actually exist! But not for me?" Not that I ever verbalize this to people and try to tear them down. Fuck people who do that shit! But there's still the urge to roll my eyes and say, "Okay, then..."

So, yeah. That's it. I can't find happiness in my solitude and I seriously wish I could. And the older I get... the lonelier I become. I do what I can to work on my mental health, but... this kind of doesn't help. I mean... you constantly hear about how loneliness is usually deserved. "There's a reason no one talks to them/has dated them!" Except I do know shitty people who are not lonely, but am I so repulsive that I end up being the lonely one instead? Was the shittiness I dealt with deserved?

I think what makes it all so much worse is... this is the best I know I can do right now. Both for my mental health and for how I present myself as a person. This is where I'm currently at. Making this much progress was... a lot of work. And it saddens me to see that, in some ways, I am still not in a good place. And I'm trying to stay genuine to myself too. Because trying to be something I'm not was one of the worst things I ever did for myself (and actually ended up making me less likable). And remember, I want someone to like me for ME. Not for what I thought they'd find appealing. Because no one deserves to spend their life putting in 500% of the effort to look good and wear a mask. I don't want it to be the case where I sacrifice my whole personality to be liked. I want to find someone I can relax and be myself around. And like, idk, actually be hugged for once or something.

Look, I'll see how things play out from this point. I'm sure I'll at least be able to make something of all this. I just have this looming feeling that I'll be alone in life. Because as I've said... outside of tolerating ab*sive individuals who aren't all that interested in me in the first place... it's sort of been a trend for me to be alone. And that would mean one of my ab*sers was right...

In conclusion, I want a relationship in theory. One that is healthy and fulfilling. In reality, I have experienced no such thing. And that's what turns me off.

[aurimeanswind]

Letter #1: Hello Again, Little Blog

Hello again! If you’re reading this as someone who *only follows me on Tumblr* girl I bet this is gonna be a surprise huh. If not, and you know me from Irrational Passions, or Twitter, or Instagram or something, then welcome back to my little blog. I used to write here every week, a little diddy I called Sunday Chats, where I’d take some questions from Twitter, talk about stuff I was working on, and just flex the writing muscles. It’s been about six years since the last time I did that, which is kind of insane to write out and think about.

Anyway, I’m back, and hey, I’m a girl! That’s cool, right??? This first “letter” is going to be a lot about that, since today is my one year anniversary of starting hormone replacement therapy (HRT), so we’ll get to that. I’m changing up the format, these will be letters from me, written as such, but really they’re just blog posts. I’ll leave up my old chats for a while, but they may get archived at some point, just because I’m not really that person anymore. 

Anyway, preface aside, my name is Auri, and it’s nice to see you again. :)

—

Dear Friends,

Hello! From a new me. A new life. It’s kind of insane what can happen in a year, ya know? How much happier you can become, how much grief you can experience, how much your wardrobe can change!

I’ve missed writing, and writing to you in particular, so I hope you don’t mind a little self-indulgence. I have a lot to catch you up on, so it feels appropriate to write about it, to jot it down and get it in some more semi-permanent format. 

I often think about the question, “what does it mean to you, to be a woman,” as a trans person, and it’s a complicated question, because women are all things and also sometimes very specific things, like sisters, or mothers, or daughters. To me, it’s just who I am. It’s a piece of me that I buried deep down and tried to pretend like it was something I didn’t deserve, that I didn’t belong. It’s something that haunted me, that I thought about being everyday for years. I’d have dreams where I’d do mundane things, like go for walks, do the dishes, but I was a girl. I know this is something I’ve not really talked about online, and I wanted to change that. I wanted to share my experience here, because back in the day, talking about Depression or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome helped people who read here, who would reach out to me and say they appreciated how open I was about these things. Well, now I want to be open about being transgender, because it’s a huge part of who I am, it’s something I am earnestly proud of, and it’s maybe the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life.

So when did it start?

Those dreams, or things I’d dismissively call intrusive thoughts, had been with me since my early 20s. When I found out that cisgendered people don’t actually think about being the opposite gender all the time, I was actually pretty shocked. I thought, “oh well I’m sure there are tons of men that think about being a girl all the time,” and yeah, it turns out that isn’t true! And if you’re sitting here reading this and thinking, “wait… really?” well uh, hey! I’ve been there! And I won’t assume anything on your part just like I didn’t on my own, but I want you to know that it’s actually very good and healthy to explore that feeling, to dig deeper and ask yourself what that means to you. 

I didn’t do that for the longest time. It started with, “hey, I wish I could just be a girl for a day,” and I thought that everyday for years, and then it became a month, then a year, then a dream, then a wish. “God I wish I could be a girl, just because that’s what feels right to me.” I’d look at pictures of my friends, of people or celebrities I had a crush on and analyze their clothes, wishing I could wear things like that. Turns out this is a form of gender-envy, and was giving me gender dysphoria, which was a big contributor to the very same depression I’d write about in this blog years ago. A fog in my mind, a feeling like I am holding my breath everywhere I go. I would hate looking at myself in the mirror, even when I felt confident, or good. I hated being naked, or changing, and I hated myself, to be quite honest. 

So I finally started reflecting. I knew what it was, even if I buried it deep down. The time alone during the throes of 2020 led to a lot of self-reflection, and after dinner one night I asked my rock, my best friend of 20+ years and the best person in my life, Damien, if I could talk to him about something serious. I was so nervous, partly because I didn’t know what Damien would say, and partly because I didn’t know what I’d say! I remember taking him into my room, where I was most comfortable, and curling up in a ball on my couch, feeling the tightness in my chest, and holding so tight to my legs balled up to me, curled in fear of everything, of judgment, of the world. He ended up being more scared than me! Until I finally just said, for the first time ever out loud, “sometimes I think I was born as the wrong gender.”

The journey of self-discovery is a long one, and it all starts with one step. This was mine. After our talk I felt such a lift off my shoulders. It was December 2020, and it’d be years until I really let myself take the next step.

So what is the next step?

I talked to a psychiatrist, I talked to my specialist, and after a year of thinking about it, I finally made an appointment to see an endocrinologist, or a “hormone doctor,” as I have been calling them. I had to make an appointment three months out, which may be because there are a lot of trans folks out there, but also hormones are super important to everyone! Those 90 days were the longest of my life I feel. But I had the support of a small handful of friends behind me. My friend Alyssa was the second person I told, and she was just as warm and welcoming as Damien, allowing me to ask questions, to be myself, to explore what it was to be “she” instead of him. 

March 6th 2023. The day I saw my doctor and started my dose of estradiol (estrogen) and spironolactone (testosterone blocker). Just one year ago! I took a picture that day, and looking back on it, I sure do hate looking at it, along with most old pictures of me to be honest. But I knew when I took it that this would (hopefully) be the one I look back on and then look in the mirror and remind myself I made the right decision. And it is, I was right. 

Now for point of reference, here is a picture of me today:

In all fairness, I was at a particularly low point of my life, it’d be a few months still before I would even feel myself change and become the woman I was always meant to be. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and I still have years and years left of changes and breast growth and voice training and hair styling and… well, you get the idea. I’m no “trans-master” and I don’t want to give that impression. Everyday I still learn something new, and grow in ways I never knew I could. I love that.

So what happens next?

Next was some long months of doubt. Sometimes for trans folks, they know for sure, they’re counting the seconds until they can start the proper hormones their body has been craving. I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure until May of 2023, two months being on Hormones, and I was scared, and I just followed my heart.

This may seem “contrary to the trans experience” but I’ve found that the trans experience is very much a moving target. Everyone is different, and everyone has a different timeline in their head of what they think it should look like. I spent a lot of long months thinking I was “too old” to transition (not true) or that because I didn’t think about wearing dresses through my childhood I wasn’t “trans enough” (also, very untrue). I worried that because my dysphoria wasn’t at a certain level or because I didn’t know with absolute certainty that this was the path that I wasn’t really trans, I was faking it out of some identity crisis, which is dangerously close to a very dangerous narrative posited at trans people to discourage them. 

Sitting here, one full year into my physical transition, happiest I’ve ever been, realest I’ve ever felt, it seems pretty silly thinking about those things, doesn’t it? But I can’t overstate how scary it is to transition, to change your body in permanent ways, to take the leap of faith, with everything happening in our country, with ideas like “Project 2025” looming over our future like a specter. Right now, especially, it’s in your face, but reflecting on how invisible the struggles of trans rights were even before that gives you perspective, sometimes making it feel like it’s never a good time to transition, but really, it’s the best it has been depending on where you live, and that is a privilege, even if it’s also a nightmare just across a state border.

All these thoughts come from months of self-reflection, and the feeling still translates at times to “years of wasted time,” and I hate that, but I carry on regardless. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, my brain feels clear and solid and unified in a way it never has before, I’ve learned what confidence feels like, truly, for the first time. When I look in the mirror, I smile, because I love the girl looking back at me. I can’t, in any words, really communicate to you what that is like, what it’s like to look at yourself and feel uncomfortable, then look at yourself and feel a light, and joy, but I can tell you it’s incredible. 

So it’s been a whole year.

What’s next? Who knows! Some people might think about surgeries or procedures or things of that nature, and maybe, we’ll see. Right now I am focused on fixing my terrible financial situation, which is generally unrelated to my transition. Focus on my life outside of all of this. I told myself when I started, I wanted to just focus on this for a while, and it’s been a whole calendar year. And it feels incredible. I’ve learned that I’m always going to be focusing on this, on me, but I’m ready to juggle a few more plates. 

I have plans to make a safe place for trans people to hangout and chat, specifically in the gaming sphere. I want to put myself out there in a way that I haven’t before, and connect with queer folk in spaces I’ve told myself I don’t belong to for years and years. I want to make new friends and learn of the struggles of other folks, and be more than just an example, but an advocate for kindness and patience in the trans sphere. I want to spread my wings, I guess, and it feels so nice to have found and understand that.

What do I have to say in reflection? I have come back to the phrase, “I didn’t know life could feel this good.” I really didn’t. It’s not about “being a woman,” it’s about living your truth, a phrase I have particularly latched onto in the last couple of years. Being your authentic, true self. I used to carry all this anger in me, and it was a poisoned well that was all I had to drink from. A bitterness and jealousy that haunted me. I wanted to embrace a gentle kindness, and I feel like I pretended to be that person for years. I treated people poorly, I didn’t listen when I should have. Now, I can say confidently that I am living as that person I knew I was. I have embraced her, and told her it’s going to be okay, and we’ll get through this together. I can’t wait to keep being her.

So this is a promise, to return and write again, about these types of things, maybe finish talking about that first year and how it’s been, talk about grief and how I feel like I’ve only truly experienced it for the first time, how I’ve found new closeness and new distance with family, and many more things like that. 

Thanks for reading, if you did, and thanks for listening. I hope this helped you open your heart to a girl from Maryland who is grateful for you, and I hope you’ll come back again. Until then, stay positive, it gets better. <3

Love,

Auri

[z-h-i-e]

9 and 14 for the chaotic ask meme

9. You discover a close family member is obsessed with your favorite fandom. What does this unholy alliance do at your next family gathering?

Oh, I lived through that unholy alliance already. 2001 - 2006 or so, and maybe beyond that a bit. My entire sibling group - Tolkien fans for different reasons. If you read the Lorien Brothers fics, some of the purple bunnies -- that's based on actual family shenanigans, roadtrips, ridiculousness, you name it. And those were our nicknames we went by -- Halli, Oro, Rumil, and Master Erestor. My mother would get into character as Galadriel. We still sign cards to each other 'Love Oro' and stuff like that. We buy each other Tolkien gifts. Every time my sister and I are in any store with pitcher-like objects, she has an impulse to grab one, hold it close, and longingly say 'I have not the heart to tell you; for me the grief is still too near'. (She gifted a pitcher to me that is spot on looks like a move replica; I later found she had written the phrase on a scroll and tucked it into the pitcher for me to find later.) My parents, upon finding out I was RPing Fingon for the period of time that I was, and how into that character I was getting, presented me with my own dragonhelm (which I kept, I'm not dumb, just in case of a balrog I might need it). Years and years ago during that time, we hosted a Harry Potter event at the local library -- but, we put all sorts of Middle-earth easter eggs in it for our own amusement (such as, I told people I played quidditch for the Dunharrow Dragons -- somewhere I have fucking Dunharrow Dragons quidditch robes and broom because of that). I can't count how much cosplay stuff we all made.

And then, we found other real life peoples. Adopted them in. They're part of the crew now. Shenanigans as a group. Shenanigans at work - so many things there, I'll have to share the Glorfindel ransom letter here because I don't think I did. That was a trip.

On top of all of this, both my sister and I each married a person who had a Tolkien character last name. We did not plan that. What are the odds? And they're not by any means common either. And to make it even better, her wife's is Lord of the Rings related, and my husband's is Hobbit related, so for each of us, it's our Tolkien intro work. Just can't make this stuff up.

We have a very strong unholy alliance. We are not to be trusted when we're together. The only good thing is we latched onto the Lorien brothers instead of, well, there's a lot of other sibling or sibling adjacent options we could have gone with that would have been a worse idea to emulate.

14. What creation that you are working on do you most wish people would discover?

If I get my ass in gear to finish it, I have an original world build with my own gaggle of characters and stories and I need to put it all together properly. I've been working on it on and off since 2006, but I have said very little to very few people. it's fantasy-horror, and I think about it a little bit just about every day.

If it's fanfiction related - then I suppose I look at where I'm at with 20+ years of Bunniverse. I know it looks overwhelming; if anyone told me 'hey, I got this thing with your favorite characters, and it's 400 books in the series' I'd probably take a few steps back from that, too. I'm working on a website right now to try to make it more accessible by putting together chacter-centric road maps (in a, do you like this character? then here's your reading list. sort of way). I know a lot of people have read it or parts of it over the years, but I also know that sadly a fair number of those have either moved on or passed away. But I know that most of the best things I've written are tucked into those stories. So when I do get the new website finished (I've titled it 'Peacock Dreams') I'm hoping that maybe organizes things a bit differently and offers some easier gateways