#willing myself dont do it dont do it

[soggypotatoes]

realising that obsession may honestly be my biggest problem.

i mean. i actually realised this years ago while reading a book abt adhd. and it dawned on me that i dont actually lack focus at all, i just obsess over things im anxious about so much that the thoughts interrupt me constantly so i cant stay on topic. but i had to let it percolate in my head until i could start to face this problem.

like... my problem atm is that i Cannot Function, i cant do anything except a) play this one game from the 90s that i tend to get drawn into at times like these and b) abuse drugs. like.. ive been managing to show up to work, shockingly, but uni has 100% fallen off the bandwagon, the painting i desperately wanted to make for my uncle's wedding this sunday is not even started, my relationships are ignored, not showing up to appointments, etc. because all the time, all i can do is play game and abuse drug.

i'm obsessed with these two things because i'm obsessed with everything i'm afraid of rn and the only thing i know how to do is replace obsession with obsession. likewise.. my housemate is sick with covid. he's been so incredibly helpful lately, taking over all the household chores, walking my dog, feeding me, etc while i've been working cause i don't have energy for anything else. he also cleaned up vomit, like a lot of vomit, incl washing my clothes, blankets and soft toys while i passed out (from drugs) bc i fucking projectile vomited over everything after driving myself to exhaustion.

so, now he's sick, and he's not upset with me at all for being physically fine and still unable to clean up at all or take my own dog for a walk or cook food or anything. which i don't deserve, because i'm sitting here, after making things significantly worse by making shortbread jam biscuits instead of cleaning the kitchen (so now there's more dishes and also mess on surfaces) (i did this because i needed to replace the obsession with not doing enough, by doing something nice for him that i felt i could manage because lately i'm obsessed with baking)

i dunno man. what am i meant to do lol

[umblrspectrum]

i got lazy in the second panel and didnt feel like coloring or whatever bite me

[valtsv]

idc about "toxic traits" or "red flags" whats your fatal flaw

[solarpunkani]

sometimes spite is a powerful motivator and today its motivating me to crochet

long story short I saw a cool bag on pinterest while I was looking for crochet patterns but there was no fucking pattern but one of my friends found a pattern for a similar but not quite bag so I watched an hour long video, transcribed it into text, and am now gonna make a wholeass backpack just because Sunflower Vibe

Wish me luck I guess

Also this is the bag

[therealcallmekd]

SKA CHA CHA

I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!

ARRGGGGHHHAAAA

*Explodes*

Bonus:

thing that i based this off of directly cuz i dont actually know how to animate >

someone please tell me where this gay little cat comes from i love them so dearly

[oatmealcrisp-freak]

"shipping saiki is aphobic because he's aroace!"

stares at you with my demiromantic asexual in a committed relationship eyes then looks at the camera like im in the office

[pepperpixel]

Yadda yadda yadda jinx is generally seen as a loose canon, does whatever she wants type of character, totally unpredictable. When in actuality, up until the last few episodes all of her choices and actions r motivated by wanting to please someone else. Hell. Even in the last couple episodes, the very Last thing we see her doing is ENTIRELY MOTIVATED by devotion and love and grief for silco, she’s taking out her frustration at herself and the world, and also honoring his wishes and dreams. By shooting a fucking bomb at piltover, she’s ensuring his life wasn’t in vain, she’s honoring him. In that moment

Her entire, self!!! is centered around love and loyalty. Is centered around other people, She’s motivated by an insatiable urge to prove herself, to be useful to those she loves, to show that she can help them and be there for them and be WORTHY of there love. That they haven’t made a mistake in loving her. To prove that she can be as pivotal to them as they r for her. She goes to the ends of the fucking earth to do this. And it ends. Terribly.

She puts the people she loves on pedestals and supplicates at there feet, she has no motivations most of the show outside of making the people she loves happy… she yearns for connection and love and safety. For a home that will never leave her behind, or crumble under her feet, (an indestructible home, That she can’t destroy just by being her…)

Which is why.. it’s so. Interesting and intriguing. How now, she has no one on that pedestal to worship, no one to drag sacrifices and offerings to the feet of, no one to spiral around and build herself off of. She is a person so *affected* by her relationships w others, but there is no relationship now, no one is stepping up to the plate to love her. She’s too much. For anyone. The one person who seemed to have unlimited patience for her is dead, because of her. and maybe vi could still love her.. but. She’s already soured that relationship. Already broken that one too. Broken all her favorite toys that made her so happy. That were there for her. And scared all the rest away. (There is a limit to what vi can support and forgive to reconnect w her sister. And I believe terrorism is crossing that limit ghgh)

And maybe, jinx is cutting that part of herself out on purpose. To be stronger, she’s realized she just. Isn’t made for love. That she ruins it all in the end. That it just makes everything worse. Messier. More complicated. She’s better off on her own, but for what PURPOSE! Who will she be now! What choices will she make!?! Almost all of her actions in the show were for others, what is driving her now, now that she has this gaping void at the center of her being. Where love used to be… what kind of person will she become, Without a guide to follow… a sun to orbit around. it’s sad honestly ghghg-!!! like yeah it’s not healthy that she is this way but there’s no THERAPY IN ARCANE. THIS IS THE WAY SHE IS! And now. She’s alone… it’s rough. But also intriguing…!! And I honestly have no clue how she’s gonna act in season 2,,, or what sorta shit she’s gonna get up to. but I’m excited.

[xenomorphicdna]

On the string propaganda

Heeellll yeah

Bestie is an entire PLACE

I look at those guys and let me tell you the soul of that thing ain't just in the puppet, it's in all the neurons carrying the thoughts and emotions, it's in the power rails that serve as the heart. All the memories in the memory conflux and all the numbers we see flicker across displays, the flux condensers, the puppet; a little avatar.

No way these massive machines see life the same way we do. They have their own experiences and senses and things they hold dear. A world we can't imagine, a way of living we couldn't even comprehend.

I could never tear an iterator apart to be just a puppet. Who am I to decide how's life supposed to be enjoyed or perceived?

You treat your creechurs however you want- I ain't gonna dictate that. But damn, hearing the thrums and buzzes of the linear systems rail? They are alive with so much power, these mechanical beasts are exactly what they should be.

[ganondoodle]

i dont think i have the right to ask this, since i so rarely have the energy to reply, but .. i want my drive to draw art back and this awful depression gone (or at least made less bad..) so desperately that i will bear the shame of asking it anyway, just in the hopes of something getting that spark i had held onto for so long to light back up

though .. im not sure what i want to ask for, i guess .. anything? something you'd like to see me draw, a compliment, a question- whether zelda or oc related, a little totk rant of your own, a picture of your cat, a random fun fact-

[goobygnarp]

.

[idolomantises]

there's something so comforting about artists you admire talking about their own struggles and insecurities

[cortlandkaard]

toying around with ideas for what the people of the licorice tribe might have looked like. specifically how different hair textures and styles would manifest based on their ingredient / the materials available

the one on the far right is closer to a red licorice type (even though the stuff made of 0% real licorice), it's kind of an homage to twizzly i guess

i was originally going to try to design milk jelly's mother but i wasn't quite sure what to do with her. i'm kind of struggling to draw right now so that didn't exactly happen. so, that's still on the wall for now

also sry for the image quality. my paper keeps getting wrinkled

[hjeojeo]

it's...missing smackjeeves hours..

telling myself if no one makes a good alternative for smackjeeves in the next like five years, im gonna start making one myself (only 10% serious)

i just miss like that atmosphere of 100% unmarketable, just comic sharing/making space.

where we all knew that 99% of the time the comics we see will never get finished bc ppl get busy, kids grow up and change interests ,etc. (i mention kids bc most of my memories of smackjeeves was when i was a teen, so it was a significant like developmental years as an artist kind experience for me)

like i remember most of the comics were like

barely legible sketch pages with like text written in mspaint.

there was absolutely no quality standard. and that's why it was so good

it made me as a kid feel like oh i can do comics! cause it can be WHATEVER YOU WANTED IT TO BE AND LOOK HOWEVER WAY.

and the collaborative ones on smackjeeves were so fun to look at

just overall.

having that. rough, crude, unmarketable space for art/comics was significant.

[squeiky]

The audacity of existence.

How dare you be concieved. To be blessed with the touch of angels, you golden haired goddess. How dare you force your reflection upon mine. The audacity to mirror me.

YOU.

I hate you. You are my purgatory, and hell resides within your dastardly light. You are the anthesis to my existance, my purpose, my life. Tormet me by image alone.

Do you know how much you have pained me? How much the mere sight of you, has distorted me? Ruined me? Hurt me? Questions your existance has plauged in my mind?

Look at you, my loathsome copy. You are nothing like me.

So then why?

Why does the universe kiss you gently upon a flushed cheek then heckle and spit on mine? Why are you the beloved golden duckling whilst i remain the unwanted black swan?

Why is it me who must rid myself of my body, blood, and mind. Discarding me of myself to end you? I have done nothing short of effort. I have given myself all to destroying you, to riding the world of you. Yet they love you. They do not love me.

We resemble eachother more than anyone else ever will. It is cruel a fate, to be devoted entirely to destroying a twisted reflection of myself. Burdened by both our images, drowning me in hatred made for both us. Yet you remain free, whilsy i remain prisioner.

It feels, as i seek to destroy you, i destroy myself. So i do. Over and over again. Yet you remain unscathed, bright and beautiful. Whilst i remain broken, left to rot in the mud. Helpless. Afraid. Alone.

Thinking.

What must i do? Who must i be to be kissed by the same light that dared to birth you?

Must i purge myself of all things to simply taste a fraction of it? How will i outshine you? Must I transform my body till there is nothing of me left, just to feel your light crushed beneath mine? Must i erase myself completly? Must i become you? Must i be you?  Must i place my hands against your neck? My lifeless material crushing your ugly flesh to finally hear the last of your breath. Must i feel everyones glare peirce through my unending spine, wishing nothing but breaking every metal bone instead of me?

Must i take their love and desire and rip it from their broken hearts, forcing them to kneel before me and drag your dead light upon me? Must i become king of all things, living, dead and unalive, before i get a fraction, a mere TASTE of your life?

Is that what the world desires of me?

Is THAT what it takes?

my loathsome copy. Your existance is what destroys me. You are everything without me but i am nothing without you.  Yet i am made to end you. To destroy the only thing, the only purpose i have in life.

You all look down upon me. Even my creator, cant seem to look at me without seeing you. Forever i am compared to you. Forever i think of only you. Forever i am destroyed by you. Forever i am devoted to destroying you. Forever i am afriad. Forever i am chained, cursed to this wretched body, reflecting you.

YOU.

I hate you. I loathe you.

....

What a cruel existance to be born, you and I.

I hope when i choke you death, you'll burn me alive.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Ogh!! I'm so sorry to hear that your work schedule was such poop regarding the update! If it makes you feel better, I would watch your stream regardless if I looked at the update already or not! Wouldn't say any spoilers, but I love how you perceive things regarding WH and I would no doubt love to see your reaction live regardless!

aw <3 thank you <3 i Deeply appreciate that!!

[lavellane]

im a eurydice = solas truther btw and ill die for my beliefs

be so serious........ and lavellan as orpheus......