#why must they delete the goof stuff

[brellie99]

That one scene of Klaus in AA got me more emotional than the entirety of S4 ever could

[ask-rwby-multishipper]

Random truth: what gifts are you getting for the others for the holidays?

Name Randomizer: Pyrrha

Pyrrha: This is something I’ve been working on for a long time actually. Not just coming up with what to get everyone, but getting my outfit together...

Weiss: Wait, what outfit?

Pyrrha, blushing: Huh? Oh, no outfit, nothing.

Everyone: *stares at her*

Pyrrha: Uhm...you’ll have to wait and see until later...

Later...

Pyrrha, bursting into the room wearing a red coat, matching leggings, and winter cap, with a huge red bag over her shoulder: Happy Nondescript Winter Holiday!

Weiss: What the—

Ruby, gasping loudly: IT’S PYRRHA CLAUS!

Pyrrha: That’s right! And I’m here to give all the good boys, girls, and enbies their holiday presents!

Nora: But Pyrrha, you’re already a gift.

Pyrrha, blushing: Shut up and open your present. *hands her a wrapped box*

Nora: Ohh! *tears the box open frantically* No way! *pulls out a pink, yellow, green and maroon varsity jacket* Is...is this...?

Pyrrha, winking at her and opening her festive coat to reveal her own matching jacket: Don’t tell Jaune and Ren yet.

Nora: We finally got team jackets!!! *jumps at Pyrrha and smothers her with a hug* Thank you thank you thank you thank you!

Yang, crossing her arms, looking at Weiss: How come we don’t have team jackets?

Weiss, blushing: Since when is that a thing?

Ruby: I have a sewing machine. Say the word and provide the fabric and I will hyperfixate on it for eight hours straight.

Pyrrha, still with Nora hanging onto her: Speaking of which... *hands Ruby an envelope* For you!

Ruby: Ooooh. *rips open the envelop* A gift card to the fabric store?!

Pyrrha, grinning: For all your fabric needs.

Ruby, beaming: Thanks Pyrrha Claus—

Pyrrha: *cuts her off with a kiss to the forehead*

Ruby, blushing and grinning like a goof: Heheh...yeah...

Weiss, looking up at Pyrrha hopefully: Don’t I get a kis— I mean, a present?

Pyrrha: Of course you do! *hands her a box*

Blake, chuckling: What do you even get a spoiled rich girl as a gift?

Weiss: Hmph! *opens the present* It’s...a framed picture of me and Pyrrha. *shows it to the others: Pyrrha is hugging Weiss from behind, their smiling faces squished together awkwardly* I remember Nora took the picture and I begged her to delete it because I look so awkward.

Pyrrha, smiling bashfully: It’s one of my favorite pictures of you and me together, so...I thought I’d share it.

Weiss: Ohh... *looking at the picture again* We are pretty cute...

Blake: I stand corrected, that’s wholesome as fuck.

Weiss, grinning: Thank you so much, Pyrrha.

Pyrrha, kissing her forehead: Anything for you~

Weiss, blushing: Ohh...

Ruby, hugging her: Preemptive hug before you gay faint.

Weiss: Thank you.

Pyrrha, giggling at them before handing a gift to Blake: For you, Mx. Belladonna.

Blake, opening it to reveal several cat-ear-friendly beanies: Yessss! *puts one on* No more ear squish!

Yang, stars in her eyes: Oh my gods, you’ve got little ear cozies...

Pyrrha, giving Blake a cheek smooch before moving on to Yang: And for you! Well, you and Blake, but more specifically for you.

Yang, taking her gift: Hmm... *opens it to reveal a new Yellow motorcycle helmet, and a black helmet with cat ear spaces* No way! Theirs and hers bike helmets!

Blake, gasping and taking their helmet: No more ear squish!!!

Pyrrha, giggling: Now you two can go for joyrides safely. With proper safety equipment.

Yang, rubbing the back of her neck: You sound like my dad. But my dad’s way more annoying when he says it...

Pyrrha: Helmet hair is kinda hot, though. *shrugs*

Yang: Okay, yeah, I’m sold. Thank you, Pyrrha!

Blake, their helmet already on, their voice muffled: Thanks!

Yang: Your ears.

Pyrrha, smiling and kissing Yang’s cheek: No problem. *turns to Ilia* Your turn!

Ilia, turning pink and rubbing her elbow: Lemme guess, since I’m so gay I probably get, like, a coupon book full of “redeem for one free Pyrrha kiss” vouchers, huh? Not that I’m against that, to be fair...

Pyrrha, shrugging: That’s actually not a bad idea, but actually... *hands her a box* I got you a few other things.

Ilia, opening the box: Woah, this is a lot of stuff.

Pyrrha, smiling proudly: So I remember you talking about how your color changing skin poses some skin care challenges, so I tracked down some reptile-Faunus-friendly body wash and lotion. There’s some vegetarian cookbooks in there, some lesbian flag pins I found for you, and... *leans down toward her* Why give you a coupon book when I’ll kiss you just for asking? *kisses Ilia’s lips* Happy winter holiday~

Ilia, rainbowing: Pyrrha, oh my gods...

Pyrrha, giggling and turning to the next girl: Neon, if you can believe it, you were probably the easiest to shop for. *hands her a gift*

Neon: I must have a pretty recognizable style, huh? *opens her gift* Yes! Light-up cat ear headphones! *puts them on* I am sooo going to ruin my hearing with these. Thank you Pyrrha Claws! *nya~ ;3*

Pyrrha: Cute. *kisses her cheek*

Neon: OwO

Cinder: Did you just “owo” out loud?

Pyrrha: Team CENM, you three need winter clothing. *throws fluffy sweaters to all three of them* As sexy as you all are, if I see even a peek of midriff, collarbone, or upper arm while you’re outside, I will immediately drag you indoors and make you into a blanket burrito.

Emerald: Is that a promise?

Cinder, holding up a far-too-small sweater: I think I got Neo’s. *turns to Neo* Trade?

Neo, already wearing Cinder’s new sweater, which is three sizes too big for her: No 💕

Cinder, glaring: Neo—

Pyrrha, interrupting her with a kiss on the cheek: Happy winter holiday, Cinder!

Cinder, blushing: Oh...

Pyrrha, smiling: And now, Penny and Ciel! Combat skirts and stockings! *throws combat skirts and stockings at them*

Penny, eyes glowing in wonder: Sensational!

Ciel, grinning with a pair of stockings in hand: They’re so soft! Thank you, Pyrrha!

Pyrrha, kissing them both: Of course~ *turns to Coco and Velvet* You’ll never guess.

Coco: I hope you went with the obvious choice.

Velvet: Obvious choice?

Pyrrha, handing bags to Coco: Coffee. And more coffee. Aaannnnd more coffee!

Coco: Caffeeeeeine...

Pyrrha: And for you, Velvet... *hands her a bunny-ear-friendly beanie* No more ear squish!

Velvet: *gasp* It’s so cute!

Blake, pointing at her: Matchies!

Velvet, putting her new beanie on: Matchies!

Pyrrha: And finally, Harriet and Elm! *hands them both boxes*

Harriet, opening her box and grinning: New running shoes!

Pyrrha: Extra durable running shoes, since I know you go through a pair of shoes, like, every week.

Harriet: Finally! Shoes that won’t catch fire if I run too fast!

Elm, opening her present: Ohhh, muscle shirts to show off my muscles!

Pyrrha, grinning: I know you two love going to the gym, after all.

Harriet, hugging her: Thank you, Pyrrha.

Elm: Yeah, thanks, Pyr!

Everyone else: Thanks Pyrrha! *group hugs around Pyrrha*

Pyrrha, sighing happily: Another successful Nondescript Winter Holiday~

[mother-ofwriting]

I should probably mention this since this blog is coated in several of my interests, but...

Please, don’t send in starters/magical anons/au memes to my muses here. This blog is not meant for roleplays, just a place to house my muses that I don’t have blogs for (as well as goof off and be insane, but that’s on me). If you want to ask my muses things that are on here, feel free- but keep the starters, magical anons, and au things to the roleplay blogs, please.

While I do post roleplay memes (amongst other things), I must warn that the main point of this blog is not roleplay memes. It’s meant to be a place where I can be myself and post whatever- so my personal posts, artwork, etc., will often be the posting type (unless I get hit by the meme muse).

And on stuff like that- the memes here are for public use whenever anyone wants. Since this isn’t one of my roleplay blogs, I won’t ask for reblog karma or anything. I know folks just want some solid roleplay memes- which is why I make a few every now and again.

(The rest of the post is about some of my roleplay blogs. If you do not want to read it, you do not have to.)

I am beginning to wonder if I should delete (and I mean permanently delete) two of my roleplay blogs: circuitryandflesh (which I have deleted twice before and brought back), as well as ascendedtorture. I am unsure if I should, but since neither of those blogs has any traffic whatsoever, I figured the question should be posted here.

I love both blogs and I wish I could use them a lot more, but those who have said they would interact with them either have yet to, and no asks have ever come in for circuitryandflesh (ascendedtorture has technically had one ask in its time). It’s made me question if keeping the blogs around was a smart idea, but since I made them to roleplay with the communities,.... Well... I guess I can’t really ask you all that, but...

I’m wondering if I should permanently delete them both. I love the muses on both blogs, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that nothing has happened for either despite my attempts. Perhaps I was a bit impatient in deleting circuitryandflesh (both times), but ascendedtorture has been up for at least two months now with little/no activity (maybe three?).

To put it at a baseline: both blogs are silent, have gotten close to nothing, and I’m questioning keeping either around.

On the line of the RPC communities: I really hope I’m not treading old ground on this blog, but as an OC RP’r, I tend to get sparse interactions.- I have one person who roleplays with me on a regular basis, and a few friends who roleplay with me on Discord. It’s nice having them, but it’d still be fun to further extend my RP’ing bubble. I’ve had brief interactions with several RP blogs, most of which either eventually start ignoring me, ignore me right off the bat, or go down shortly after I start speaking to them. I know it shouldn’t get to me.

It does though.

But I don’t want to bring it up on a monthly, weekly, daily, etc. basis, and I try not to.- I’ve made so many posts where I talked about it that I afterward deleted, that at this point, I don’t know if I have brought it up before now or not.

On those matters, there have been times where I’ve considered making a canon character RP blog because I crave RPs, but I immediately turn the thought away because it hurts. I know I’d get jealous of that blog because I know for a fact that it would get more interactions than all of my OC RP blogs put together. I’m not blaming the internet, it makes sense. People prefer canon over oc. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, but I live with it.

I wonder if its because I don’t really have a ‘meme’ sense of humor or perhaps my character isn’t a slut or something like that, along with my semi-strict rules on my blogs.- I’ve got a lot of feelings towards this stuff. A lot of which I don’t normally say.

Boiling it all down...

I’m wondering about deleting two of my roleplay blogs, and I have negative feelings towards how the RPCs I am in tend to interact with me (outside of my current interactions [thank you to those of you who do interact with my blogs]- the ghostings and ignoring things). If I do talk about this too much, please confront me about it- I’d rather you guys be comfortable on my blogs.

Anyway...

Thanks for reading, I’m going to go lock up the asylum now after I give patient #591 her meal. See ya’ll in a bit.

-Writer

[hyungswons-blog]

we are not forever.

Characters: Yoo Kihyun, Female Reader

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Slight smut, a breakup and a bunch of sad stuff

Length: 4.1K

a/n: this is my first fic i’m posting on tumblr ajfhdkasjhdv just a little something that i wrote on the plane ride back home from vacation. has not been proofread and it has very slight shitty smut. anyways, hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

+ gif is not mine, but the contents of the story are.

It feels as if everywhere you go, there’s a hint of Kihyun lingering, your failed relationship taunting you at every corner. Your bedroom, which belonged to him as well not too long ago, haunts you upon entry—which is rare now, since it pains you too much to spend time in it alone. Too much of your time is spent wallowing under the duvet. His scent is still engraved in the pillows, and there’s a perfect Kihyun-shaped indent on the left side of the bed. That was his spot, because you’re afraid to sleep on the half of the bed by the window. And every time you close your eyes in an attempt to sleep, you can almost feel his breath fanning across your lips and you jolt upright in hopes that it’s not just your imagination craving his gentle kisses but it is.

The kitchen is another reminder of the times he’d spent the night, taking you places and showing you feelings that were so pleasantly foreign to you, and you’d awake in the morning to the smell of bacon wafting through the house. Kihyun would be standing at the stove in sweatpants and the yellow apron you’d gotten as a housewarming gift from a distant relative. Tearing his eyes away from the food momentarily when he’d hear you padding across the floor, Kihyun would offer you the sweetest of smiles, but refuse to kiss you.

“Good morning,” Kihyun greets you with the smile you adore so much, his eyes shaping into the smallest crescents when he sees you wearing nothing save for his shirt.

Stretching your arms over your head, you trudge towards him, the small piece of clothing leaving nothing to his imagination—not that he needs to conjure an image for himself when the previous night is burned into his memory. Your soft whimpers ring in his ears and he has the urge to recreate the situation.

“Have you brushed your teeth?” Kihyun asks, stopping you about a meter away from him with one hand extended, as if to ward away an evil spirit or reenact the Force from Starwars.

You shake your head, knowing full well how anal Kihyun is about hygiene. However, he catches you off guard with his growing grin, dropping his spatula beside the stove to bring you into his embrace. Your boyfriend lifts you by the waist, placing you gently on top of the kitchen counter and settling himself in between your legs.

Eyebrows raised, you say nothing at the unexpected behaviour, and Kihyun takes this as a sign to carry out whatever thoughts he’s having.

“You look so good in my shirt,” he speaks quietly, nudging your head to the side as he latches his lips onto your neck, marking you as his.

It’s an automatic response for your hands to fly up and tangle in his honey locks. “You look so good in my apron.”

“You know who else looks good in these clothes?” Kihyun tugs on the hem of your—his—shirt, an indication to discard the material that you adhere to. “The floor.”

You can’t help the chortle that escapes. Kihyun normally excels at flirting, what with his dangerous smirk and smooth voice that makes anything sound like heaven. But lately, he’s been spending a little too much time with someone who prefers the greasier approach. “You sound like Wonho.”

“Are you really thinking of that idiot when I’m trying to enjoy my breakfast?”

Brows furrowed, you try to make sense of what he’s talking about because Kihyun’s not exactly got a plate of eggs and toast ready to—

Oh. Your mind’s still a little hazy from your slumber, but his words finally make sense when his hands grip your thighs, pulling you to the edge of the counter and letting himself dive in between your legs.

As talented of a chef Kihyun is, he has to admit that the flavour of you is better than anything he could ever cook, and he loves the fact that your taste is because of him. His pace is slow and he refuses to offer you his best at first.>p>Not until your hand is pushing on the back of his head and your hips are bucking upwards to receive the relief you so desperately need. That’s when Kihyun’s tongue works expertly on you’re releasing with wanton moans onto his lips.

Occasionally, you think you see him around the restaurant you work at just like old times. When you’d clock out, stepping out of the front doors to find Kihyun waiting for your shift to finish with a bouquet of flowers because it’s your monthsary. Or there were times when he’d simply sit and order a coffee, taking hours to finish it because he just liked watching you work, hair swaying with every step and smiling for customers.

You continually curse your brain for playing such cruel tricks on you.

But there’s one time when it’s actually him, and you have to pinch yourself four times to make sure this isn’t a dream. He’s here to see you, you can feel it in your soul that’s reaching out for him from across the diner. Kihyun knows you work here.

Just as you build the resolve, already walking towards the table to take his order, maybe make some small talk, Kihyun’s joined by a pretty girl with features that could outshine you even in the dark. She kisses him sweetly as a greeting and you’re sent spiralling back to where you began, spinning on your heel and retreating.

“Y/N?” Hyungwon’s hand is on your shoulder, stopping you from nearly running into the employee bathroom. He bends down, studying you with concerned eyes. “What’s wrong?”

He knows you all too well after working together for years, or maybe it’s just too obvious that you’re suffering. It feels like you’re on the verge of a panic attack, the tiny version of you in your head mocking you for thinking Kihyun was actually here to reconcile with you.

How could you be so stupid? the little you laughed and the sound made your head throb. Your hands grabbed at your forehead, clawing at your temples to rid of the annoying voice that seemed all too pleased at your misery.

You shove Hyungwon’s hand off your shoulder and immediately lock yourself in the bathroom. It must be hours that you spend in there, sat on the toilet lid with wads of toilet paper stuffed in your nostrils as you wept into your hands.

He’s doing all the things he’d done with you, with the other girl. Kihyun’s probably whispering lyrics into her ear to lull her to sleep, brushing her hair out of her face as she cuddles into his side. He’s probably taking her on picnics or cooking dinner for the two of them after a particularly tough day at work, or taking her out to model for photographs because that’s two of the things he loves the most in the world: photography and his girlfriend.

“Kihyun, this is beautiful,” you breathe out, eyes fluttering shut to soak in the moment. Your boyfriend’s brought you to a secret hideout he’d stumbled upon a few days ago. It’s a little cave shrouded behind a waterfall, but you’d both come prepared with swim trunks and a bikini.

You had expected a swim, not a discovery worthy of a million dollars. As soon as Kihyun had feigned drowning beneath the stream of water, you’d panicked and surged forward. Emerging on the other side, you’d been met with Kihyun’s proud grin and arms open wide.

“Welcome to my man cave!”

It was far from that. There was only his waterproof camera lying to the side and a few towels; it was obvious that you were the first person to visit his discovery site, and you couldn’t be happier.

You don’t realize it, but Kihyun’s camera is pointed at you. With your back towards him as you marvel the sight of the waterfall from behind it, he sees the most beautiful image he’s ever had the honour of witnessing and he just has to capture it. The sun’s setting outside the cave and the pastel colours reflect off the clear water. You’re running your hands through your wet hair, the silhouette of your frame against the plethora of colours.

Then you hear the click and glance over your shoulder, and there’s another click.

“Hey, stop it!” You whine, covering your face with your palm. You peek through your fingers but Kihyun hasn’t moved yet. “Kihyun, delete those!”

He lowers the camera, lips formed into a playful scowl. “Why? You look so beautiful.”

“You always take pictures of me,” you complain and hold your arm out, palm up. “Let me take some of you.”

That’s the first time Kihyun trusts you enough to handle his baby—the camera. He doesn’t regret it because he returns home with an array of aesthetic snapshots that would have Changkyun shivering in approval. Some are of his girlfriend, some are of him, some are of the two of you goofing off after setting the timer.

He doesn’t delete even the blurriest of images.

After four months, you think you’ve finally gotten Yoo Kihyun out of your system. After four hours on a particularly painful day, you realize how stupid you are to think so.

Family gatherings are a rare occurrence, but when they do happen, everyone far and wide comes down to your parents’ house for a good three or so days. This Thanksgiving is the first time in four years that Kihyun isn’t attending with you, the first get-together in four years that you’re single and brokenhearted, still hung up on a boy who’s already moved on.

When you ring the doorbell, your mom is the one to answer, immediately tugging you into her warm embrace. She knows of your failed relationship; she was the first, in fact, to know because of your sorrow-filled phone call that exact night, when she’d called to tell you of your sister’s pregnancy and you’d choked out a sob.

Everyone greets you happily, but there’s anticipation in their eyes as they stare behind you, expecting your boyfriend to be trailing in while carrying your luggage. But your suitcase is in your own hand and there’s a tight lipped smile gracing your features, and most of them piece the puzzle together.

Most, being the key word.

As you take a seat on the couch across from your aunt, she addresses the elephant in the room as soon as she can. She’s always greedy for gossip, and she always likes to make a show of how her life is never as unfortunate as everyone else’s. Though, her husband would argue that claim, but he’s long gone after a messy divorce that she pretends never happened.

Kihyun knew you hated her and he’d always redirect her attention elsewhere. He’d ask her to elaborate on an extravagant vacation she’d taken to some island, or when she was being extra snobbish, he’d drag her down a notch with a sweet smile while bringing up the nastiest of topics. Now, you’re left to deal with her yourself.

“Where’s that boyfriend of yours?”

There’s a lump in your throat that you have to swallow down as your mother gives you an apologetic look. No one ever wants your aunt to be present at the gatherings, but she always somehow ends up inviting herself. “Um, we broke up.”

Your aunt gasps, an exaggerated sharp intake of breath but her eyes are gleaming in something akin to amusement. “Really? When? Why?”

You don’t exactly want to explain your past year in morbid detail; she doesn’t need to know of the countless breakdowns, the fact that Kihyun is on your mind more often than not. She doesn’t need to know how pathetic you are that he had so easily fallen out of love. “It just wasn’t working for us. We called it off in May.”

“What a shame,” she chides, lips twisted in a plastic frown. “I always thought you’d be engaged to him by this time.”

All you can do is smile weakly and shrug, before excusing yourself to visit your old room upstairs.

Hands passing over the walls longingly, you can’t help but wish to return to childhood. When boys weren’t as important, when they couldn’t break your heart, when you didn’t feel pressured to settle down with someone just because you’re almost finished university.

But you can’t bring yourself to regret the past four years with Kihyun. In fact, you’d do it all over again, even if it ended the same way. In a time of darkness, trying to discover yourself and your future, Kihyun had guided you down a path of calamity and acceptance. He’d helped you figure out what major you wanted to do, what job you could get with it. He’d kept you sane and out of jail when meeting with your aunt on occasions like this.

Your reminiscing is interrupted by your little cousin Ari barrelling through the door, your name escaping her lips loudly as she leaps onto your bed and latches onto your waist.

It’s hard to not chuckle at her antics. Perching yourself beside her on the edge of the bed, you run a hand through her hair as she excitedly tells you about how the start of grade three had gone. She talks quickly, and you can barely keep up, but there’s this light in her that brings a genuine smile to your face—something that seems unfamiliar since the breakup.

But she’s curious. All young children are.

“By the way, where is Kihyun?”

Your heart shatters for the nth time, and you suddenly wish you had stayed home this Thanksgiving to wallow in self pity. You know Ari wasn’t doing this on purpose like your aunt, but that didn’t dull the pain.

Out of your whole family, Kihyun had taken to your little cousin the most. He’d watched her grow for years, babying her as if she was his own family, and Ari had always been fond of the handsome boy.

There’d been a time where you and Kihyun had babysat your cousin for a weekend, and that was the first taste of a future with your boyfriend you’d been granted. You felt like a married couple with a baby girl. The memory’s ingrained vividly in your head because since then, you’ve always been itching for that engagement to Yoo Kihyun, for the wedding, for the children, for the domesticity in your relationship that you craved and were sure that you were oh so close to.

“What do you feel like doing today, Ari?” Kihyun asks, crouching down to eye level of the little girl. She giggles and takes his hand, playing with his fingers as she thinks, but is unable to come up with anything that can be considered fun by the two older people. “How about we go to the carnival?”

It’s the best idea your boyfriend has had because the three of you giddily march into the amusement park hand in hand. Ari is in between you, her small hands clinging to one of yours and one of Kihyun’s to ensure she doesn’t get swept away in the crowd.

You go on all the kids’ rides together. The small roller coaster has you sitting right behind your cousin and boyfriend who take the front two seats, and Kihyun exaggeratedly screams with his arms in the air as you roll down the small hill. It’s quite the contrast to when he’s on the real rides, face scrunched up and an iron grip on the bars as he awaits death.

After a few rides, you grab some street food and walk around the grounds, stopping at a few booths to play those cheap, rigged games. Kihyun hands you his hotdog to hold as he promises Ari that he’ll win her the giant elephant toy.

“Boo, you suck!” you tease as he wastes half the money you’ve brought. Kihyun constantly misses while aiming for the glass bottles, and so you switch spots to give it a shot.

Two tries in and you’re smirking at your boyfriend, Ari hugging her stuffed toy gleefully.

“It was rigged,” Kihyun waves it off nonchalantly, taking your cousin’s free hand. You lace your fingers with his other hand and roll your eyes as he leads his two favourite girls to the ferris wheel to finish off the night.

You stand in line for what feels like hours, but you’re internally grateful for the wait because by the time you climb into the carriage, the sun’s setting. The view is beautiful from your seat, but you can’t help but watch the scene beside you; Ari’s head is on Kihyun’s chest, his arm around her small frame as she snores. He glances at you and your eyes meet, bringing a soft smile to his lips.

“She’s so cute,” he mouths and you nod in agreement. “I can’t wait ‘til we make one of our own.”

You don’t realize it, but tears are dripping down your chin and onto the hands that are now folded in your lap. You stare down at them through watery eyes, locking onto the third finger where there should be a ring by now but you’re met with bare skin.

Your cousin is climbing onto your lap, her little thumbs wiping away your tears. She doesn’t say anything but you have a feeling that she knows what’s happened, because she’s soon wrapping her arms around your neck and letting you cry into her shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” you whimper, yet you don’t know what for. Perhaps it’s because Kihyun had been a favourite of your cousin and she’d always been excited to be the flower girl at a wedding you’d planned over midnight movies, or maybe because you’re getting snot on her new dress. Probably both. But she doesn’t care.

“Boys suck anyways,” she whispers. You can’t help but think that she’s too wise for her age.

It’s not long after that you come face to face with the man who’s crushed your heart. In fact, your luck has you sharing a class in your last semester of university, and on the first day, he mistakenly sits beside you.

Catching up on your sleep, your head is buried in your arms on the desk in front of you. You only look up when the chair beside you screeches against the floor, and that’s when your name falls from his lips, tone laced with regret at the sight of the mess you’ve become.

Kihyun’s body is warm against yours as you curl into him on the couch, a box of half-eaten frozen pasta on the coffee table as you watch a movie for what must be the tenth time in your relationship.

You love movie nights with Kihyun, allowing time to relax in each other’s embrace as an escape from the harsh realities of life. But these days, he doesn’t seem to feel the same for a tradition that he insisted you start. His hands don’t wander beneath the blankets and his eyes don’t light up the same way when you hold up the disk excitedly. And he always complains that he’s too tired to cook with you, or too tired to stay up all night to marathon an entire series, or too tired to pleasure the both of you with what used to be passionate lovemaking.

You don’t take it to heart. He’s been busy with university. That’s all it is.

Intertwining your fingers with his, you study your hands that seem to fit so perfectly in each other’s. “You know, my sister got engaged yesterday.”

He hums in acknowledgement, but you feel his body stiffen underneath you.

Glancing up at him, you reposition yourself to find comfort in his lap, a leg draped on either side of his waist as your hands thread through his hair. “You’ll come with me to the wedding, right?”

Kihyun peels your hands away from him, but keeps them in his grip in between you two. “That’s a long time away, you know.”

You shrug. In your mind, when you attend the wedding, maybe you and Kihyun will be engaged too. It’s a given that you’d bring him along, even if it’s two years away or even five. “I can’t imagine going with anyone else.”

The boy nibbles on his lower lip. “You don’t even know if we’ll be together still.”

You climb off his lap, brows furrowed in both pain and concern. “What the hell do you mean by that?”

You’re trying to stay calm but there’s this burning feeling in your chest, telling you every possibility that can make sense of his words. Kihyun can tell. “I just mean… we’re young. We’re… I don’t know.”<\small>

He’s been acting strange for weeks, and what he says is just the icing on the cake. “We’re bound to see other people?” you ask, bewildered. Your boyfriend nods and that’s your cue to stand up. “You don’t see a future with me?”

Your voice cracks with the last syllable and Kihyun’s up in front of you right at that moment, hands placed on your either shoulder. But that’s already wrong, because in moments like this, he’d be kissing you to remind you that you’re the only one for him.

“We’re still young,” Kihyun repeats after a moment of silence.

The scoff that falls from your lips catches him off guard. “So you want to experiment with other people before settling down?” At that, he hesitates but that’s all you need to draw your own conclusions, swatting his hands away from you in anger. “Why are you still with me then?”

You want him to tell you that he’s just made a mistake with his words or that it’s all a joke, but when Kihyun breaks eye contact, finding the floor easier to look at than your wetting eyes, you know better. “I didn’t know how to tell you…”

“Tell me what?”

He can’t face you. “That I don’t… I don’t think I love you anymore.”

All breath is knocked out of you. Your heart stops beating for a millisecond and your brain is berating you for even asking that stupid question, for bringing up this topic, for not noticing earlier the signs of an impending doom to your utopia that is Yoo Kihyun.

“What?” you croak out, disbelief and despair evident in your voice. You must have heard him wrong, you had to have. But Kihyun shakes his head solemnly, unable to repeat himself. That’s confirmation enough. “H-how long…?”

“Your birthday dinner.”

Two months.

You want the ground to open up and swallow you whole. He’s been lying for two months, acting for two months. And you’ve been eating it all up naively, without a care in the world to the turmoil that was really happening in his head.

The memory of your breakup flashes between the two of you as Kihyun drops his bag in shock. Both of you stare wide eyed, until his phone vibrating against the wooden desk pulls you from your misery.

A text lights up the screen and you briefly catch the contact name and a part of the message before he’s snatching it up.

From: My Everything ❤️

    Wanna grab lunch today? I miss kissing your face :(

From: My Everything ❤️

    I mean seeing lolololol

Another piece of your heart cracks and Kihyun just smiles at you guiltily. “Sorry,” he says, but you don’t know if it’s because of what he did to you, or the text messages he knows you saw, or for what he was about to do. As if it’ll fix everything he’s done to you, as if that one word will glue your entire being back together and give you the motivation that you’ve lost.

You want to bang on his chest and tell him everything he’s putting you through, show him whatever bitter bits of you are left, maybe beg him to give you a chance to make him fall in love all over again. Or maybe you just want to talk, because you’d thrown him out so fast after his confession that night that he didn’t have a chance to explain everything, you just need closure.

But you don’t want to hear his excuses and every gut wrenching moment when he held you gingerly or avoided your touch because he didn’t love you anymore.

And just as you’re about to ask him if he wants to eat lunch with you to catch up after all these months—even when you know he’s got plans with a girl and that’s probably the reason why you have the urge to ask—Kihyun’s picking up his belongings and climbing the steps away from you.

He sits a few rows behind you, introducing himself to his new seat partner without sparing you another glance. You’re left staring, open mouthed, after him, the last atomic-size shard of your heart falling to your stomach.

Yoo Kihyun does not need you in his life anymore.

[hyunjin-writes]

photographer!kihyun au

i,,, have had a thing for photographer kihyun for like,,,eVer sinCE i started stanning him,,,

and since there’s not much out there fics/aus about photographer kihyun

/rolls sleeve/

ok but photographer!kihyun would be both cool and cute i kid u not

the type to always???? ALWAYS!!!! have his camera by his side; either slung on his arm or in his backpack

there was this one time he forgot to bring his camera along and his friends thought something happened to him or the camera

“is ur camera oKay??????r YOU okay????” “why wouldn’t they be okay and im here aren’t i?”

turns out he just forgot to charge the batteries overnight shdsdsj clumsy

but how much do you wanna bet he can’t sit still without his camera by his side?

“yOo kihYUN sTop FidgEting” “i cant help it!!!!i’m so used to have my camera with me i-”

his camera is basically his wife,, but anyways moving on,

the type to be gone during the weekends to take short trips to the beach or countryside for pictures

“hey kihyun are you free this weekend” “can’t im going to the beach” “hey ki-” “CANT i have to go to the neighbouring city”

but his pictures ended up being to die for so it’s forgiven ;;

his phone wallpapers,,, would mostly b pictures of sceneries he took. Only on rare occasion it would be faces of people,,,, prob mainly bcs it was him who took it.

imagine him putting a picture of minhyuk because he loved the way the pic turned out and minhyuk saw,,,

“omg ki i didn’t know u liked me that much ;”^ )” “i  DONT. the pic just turned out nic-” “AWWW SHUSH I Like Me Too ;););)” “sdhjsdhjskajhskja remind me to not take a pic of u ever again”

“no way u like the way he poses for pics too much to not take pics of him” - prob shownu

“,,,,,, riTe”

its tru tho kihyun is picky when it comes to his pictures, especially potraits and he always complains about how its so hard to take pics of shownu

“shownu u do know you can breathe like normal, right?”

but anyways,

his instagram!!!!

god his instagram would b aesthetically pleasing nd like, low quality-ly hq,,

pics from his trips? pics from his coffee stops? pics of mx hanging out? you got them all!

but like,, what’s hard to see in his feed is probably his selfie since he takes bad selfies according to wonho and minhyuk

“i  DO NOT. take bad selfies” - says kihyun as he poses the same pose for 2938482 selfies with the same angle

sighs

so instead of uploading his selfies, the only pictures that would have his face in it would be the candids the boys took of him

from when he’s drinking coffees, or from when he’s taking pictures,,,

mostly r pics of him taking pictures w his camera since he find himself looking extra cool doing those

but like,,, since most of his pics r candids, u can hardly see his face since it’s always being covered w camera or looking down

also since most pics r from  the boys, u could expect to see minhyuk or wonho annoyingly commenting on his pics

“omg what a cool pic i wonder who took them” “i bet the photographer’s good looking tell him i’m a fan of him!”

“im  Blocking. both of u”

ok but you,,,, you do know kihyun, sort of

that is if u consider being friends with changkyun and hearing changkyun bragging about how good this one photographer friend is then yeah you do know kihyun

you follow him on instagram, but like,,, u never actually met him before??

tho judging on his ig pics he seems attractive but also seems like a snoob?? or a bit cocky?? based on his comments so idk,, u just dont really like those type of guys

but anyways, you’re studying filming major in school so you’re always standing behind the camera or screens instead,

but you’re been told a handful of time that you have enough visuals to be a model,, it DID crossed ur mind but like???me??? a model??? must b mad enough to do  That,  so u didnt

so you’re a close friends with changkyun, and you two are always hanging out when kyun ain’t hanging out w mx

so when you’re out together, it’s always u who takes kyun’s pictures and you’re no photography student, but you could say your pics r decent (since you actually like photography as well,)

changkyun loves!!!! ur pic and he always say that you would bond well with kihyun since the two of you have similar taste

youre like  “naaaaah no thx” and kyun just shrugs bcs like okay then sure no fOrcing u

so u continue to hangout with changkyun with him mentioning about wanting the two of you meeting up but you always refusing

UNTIL 

one day you two were hanging out at the park, just casual and being a bunch of goofs when kyun said some of the mx boys r here and wants to meet up nd if its okay with you

“yeAH??? i mean i would love to meet them anyways especially minhyuk! i heard he’s kinda cool,,”

“yeah but there’s gonna be kihy-” changkyun before his words being interrupted by a hollering minhyuk from afar

you immediately recognize minhyuk based on his jumpy attitude and also wonho who’s following behind a sprinting minhyuk

minhyuk immediately pounced on changkyun and you like,, laughed at how done kyun looked

u suddenly heard some clicker sound beside u and when u turn, ur eyes meet w a pair of very??? beautiful??? eyes???

it took a few seconds but u then realized it was kihyun,, with his camera his hand,, like OF COURSE kihyun would b around taking pics

immediately introducing yourself to the boys, changkyun immediately said, “ah ki hyung, she’s the one who always took my cafe an d ootd pics”

youre like ?? but when u look at kihyun he was like O-o and was saying “yeah i sorta figured?? since u hardly hang out w anyone else anyways” but he wasnt even looking at u or anything,,,

“wow he really /is/ snobby,,,,” was what u thought at first since even after a few mins of hanging out at the park, he still wont meet ur eyes??? even when he’s talking to you or something??? wow   rood.

but like yea you guys hanged out for a while longer before u decided to leave the boys alone

so when you excused yourself, changkyun was like “yeah yeah sure i’ll see you later” but

kihyun seemed weirdly and surprisingly disappointed for someone who hardly made any eye contact w you through out the hour of hanging out

nd judging on his personality around the boys and on what changkyun told you, you doubt he’s actually  SHY

(in which he is but we’ll get to that later)

but anyways, kihyun was like: “you’re leaving already?”

“????y ea??? i have early classes tomorrow so,,”

“o right your filming classes”

???? ?you’re actually surprised that he knows??? but okay then

so like u go home and attend your classes like normal for almost a whole week, nothing unusual happened, and u doing ur usual routine,

like going to classes, having lunch w your friends and changkyun when he’s free, studying in the library,, and even going out during the afternoon for an hour of,,, walk

so here’s the thing

even when you’re a film student, you have a huge interest in photography, so,

every afternoon you would go out for an hour or two, just to walk around town, stopping once in a while to just take pictures.

people thought you go out for some exercises but l mao n O

you always have your small handy little camera by your side,, your loyal best friend.

so like it was a week??? after that meeting with kihyun and the other boys, but nothing happened,

you did saw kihyun around the campus once in a while,

but everytime your eyes locked, he would blin k for once or twice then quickly look away,

in WHICH, helped u to think that he’s really a snob

(u gH HE IS REALLY NOT but we’ll get there anyways,)

so like one afternoon you’re just walking around town, taking pictures like normal,

and you’re at this small park at the end of town,

its small, and not packed, just like how u like it,,

so you ended up just spending your afternoon there, taking pictures and stuff

nd after a while u spot a cute little kitten playing around, and of course u took pictures of it

the cat spotted you and it just ran towards you and soon,,

your camera was forgotten and you’re there,

just sitting on the ground and playing with the little kitten,,,

it was really peaceful, with just you and the kitten, and maybe some one or two people passing by, a couple sitting on a bench nearby,, but that’s just it

it’s not noisy or anything, just the way you like it,,

at least until u heard some sound of the flicker of a camera

looking around, you were expecting to see someone taking photos of views or the trees,, BUT

what you wasnt expecting was seeing a camera lens being pointed directly towards you,, just a few feet away from you,, and the kitten

you just stared at the camera,, nd the person behind the camera since you’re not really sure what to do

because like you’re not sure either to be mad or not?? since yea, it’s not nice to take other people’s pictures without permission but like,

you yourself have taken so many candid pictures of others,,, so??? u’re not exactly sure??

realizing they were caught, the person quickly lower down their camera and bow down their head slightly

but like you managed to catch their face and you just,,,: “kihyun???”

the person look up at you and with his round glasses on the bridge of his nose, his beanie covering his black hair, a simple round sweater hugging his figure,

you could easily tell it is indeed your campus’ infamous photographer, Mr. Yoo Kihyun

“what are you-”

“look, i’m sorry for taking your picture without permission it’s just that the settings was all so nice and the sunlight was on point, the kitten was active and you look really pretty so i just had to,, and like i hope u dont ask me to delete them??? because it’s really pretty,,, like i could show u if you don’t believe me it’s ReALLy nice!!! and-”

“l mao kihyun you’re babbling and yea of course you can keep them,”

“please dont tell me to- wait, what?? reaLLy???”

“yea h, i mean, as long as i look good in them tho”

“o- oh,, well,, u do look decent i guess???”

“don’t lie, i heard it when u said i looked pretty.”

“o h sh OOt”

CUE a cute blushing kihyun scratching his nape, trying to figure out how to cover up his honest words he blurted out a while ago,

but when he looked up trying to spit out some words about how it was the sun that helped you looked nice,, he sees you grinning at him while the little kitten still playing with your fingers,,,

and he thought,, oh screw it

“y-yeah,, well you always look good anyways, so nothings new”

and when he sees your cheeks slowly growing red, he was glad he said those words,,

he’d always thought you’re cute anyways, only he never actually brought up the guts to approach you properly

and now,, with you here for once smiling at him instead of looking at him as if he’s some kind of snob you hate, which he knows you thought of him that way before this,,

he decided he’s gonna be a  Man and not waste this chance with you

“but like, do you wanna see it though? the pictures, i mean.”

a/n : i might do a second part of this, who knows since i have a major big fat love for photographer!kihyun anyways! Also, newton was released today and photographer!kihyun made his appearance!!!! 

[sweetagust]

Homesick Holiday

“for the request thing , 85 + 96 ?”

I goofed and answered the ask before I was done so I had to delete it... but here it is! My first request! Thank you!

85.  “They got you a present. Isn’t it sweet?”

96.  “Stop being grumpy. It’s lame.”

Moving to any foreign country was weird enough, but the homesickness really started to set in around Christmas. Your first holiday season away from home was strange. You realized that Korea didn’t have the same festivities for the season as back home. But you really choked up when you received a large package from your family a week before Christmas, filled with little gifts and a fake, mini tree to set the mood.

You sat with Yoongi on the floor of the living room in your apartment, carefully going over the contents of the box. It wasn’t much, but it made you conflicted; it was nice to get the festive box, but it made you miss your family even more.

One small present caught your eye at the bottom of the box, addressed to your boyfriend. You held it out to him, a grin on your face. 

“They got you a present! Isn’t that sweet?”

It was obvious that he was happy, from the way his cute gummy smile came into view. You were glad that he was being considered family, and you knew it made him happy too.

After everything was opened and the mini tree was decorated, you sat on the couch and wanted to write or call your family more than ever. It was making you sentimental, knowing that they were still thinking of you so much. Lost in thought, you didn’t notice Yoongi trying to get your attention until he clapped his hands together in front of your face. 

Startled, you nearly yelled when you whined, “what was that for?”

“I’ve been trying to ask you where you wanted to put this stuff, but you weren’t listening.”

“That doesn't mean you have to startle me half to death.”

Yoongi stared at you for a moment before frowning. “Stop being grumpy. It’s lame.”

“I’m not grumpy, I’m just in a weird mood.” 

“Same thing.” But even though he was picking on you, he knew you must be feeling lonely. Even he was homesick when he moved from Daegu to Seoul. So to an extent, he knew. “Why don’t we fix up something to send back? Some Korean things for them to try, or something?”

“...That sounds really nice, actually.”

You started to think of things you would send, and made plans to go out shopping for them in the coming days. As you finished organizing ideas, you looked across to Yoongi. 

His head was bent over the notebook you had been jotting ideas on, and it was just another moment that made your heart warm.

“Thank you, Yoongi.”

When he looked up at you, a shy smile fell across his features. 

“You’re welcome, silly.”

[lanasitra]

tswtms is over (and here’s why)

Did I get you with the clickbait title? I did? Damn right. Bangarang.

In short, I made a mistake.

I goofed.

I made a miscalculation.

I did not make a good prediction.

I anticipated something that did not happen.

I made an error in judgment.

I screwed the pooch.

I shamed the cat.

I faked my death but returned just after the halizah was carried out and now it’s super awkward between me, my ex-wife and my brother.

 I fucked up.

 (This essay will sometimes sound high-and-mighty, sometimes accusatory, sometimes selfish, and sometimes all-business-no-pleasure. In previous essays, I’ve detailed that my passion for music is not driven by money or fame, BUT I have also argued that I can want those things without undercutting my true passion. For that reason, I will not apologize, but I will acknowledge in advance that I may come off as slightly salty and overly businesslike over the next few paragraphs)

For all intent and purpose, tswtms has proven to be a failure. Since Honeymoon became available on major digital platforms in July 2016, I’ve only sold two copies (I’m just now seeing that I got 226 streams on Spotify, etc., which I am pleasantly surprised by and grateful for, but, in the scheme of things, that’s nothing – and only equates to 97 cents in my pocket, might I add). While it hasn’t been long enough for me to get a sales report back for In Between, I have a feeling it will have done marginally better, but still won’t be the kind of break I’m looking for.

There are three potential reasons why I believe tswtms has had a sub-par performance, and I’d like to go through all of them here and now (there is purpose to this, and I imagine the smartest of you cookies will have probably already guessed what it is):

-       The music is bad

-       The advertising is bad

-       The name is bad

(The Music) 

I will concede that tswtms is not everyone’s cup of tea. I am exceptionally proud of every piece I’ve written, but, of the ones I currently have on offer: “Canadian Summer” is six minutes long and meanders during the intro and outro, “Honeymoon” lacks a chorus, “Hate” lacks a chorus, “The North Wood” lacks a chorus, “I Am Not Afraid” lacks a chorus, “SRND” has a meandering intro and lacks a chorus, and all my interludes, intros and outros are “weird” and “artsy” in some way or another. In brief, I have tended so far to not write “accessible” pop songs. “Dreams,” “What’s It Like” and “For You” are what I consider to be my three most accessible, “poppy” songs that are currently available (there’s also “Heavy Crush,” available on my SoundCloud, which I rank among the most “accessible,” but it currently only exists in a place that is not really on anyone’s radar). Having my oeuvre be only ~16% accessible, singalong-able music is perhaps a worry, but, considering how many times someone ensures themselves a comfortable life and diehard audience as a one- or two-hit wonder, I’m not really concerned in that regard.

Such talk of “accessibility,” musical forms and choruses drives me nuts. I enjoy the music I make, and I think that serves as a good enough indication that other people would like it if given the right listening context. Though I go through peaks and valleys of enjoyment with my catalogue, I go through similar phases with any music, regardless of the writer or performer (even Ariana Grande! F***ing crazy, right?). I sometimes get hung up and blame my every failure on the vocal tuning in my pieces, but I realize that I’m only so critical because it’s my own stuff; I listen to other artists’ songs that have some vocal imperfections, and these imperfections rarely diminish my enjoyment of a piece. I like to think that an imperfection here or there on my part will fly similarly under the radar for audience members.

All this has been to say that the music is not the problem. I write a variety of things that appeal to me, and I believe that, while it won’t all appeal to everyone all the time, there is, indeed, something for everyone with tswtms.

 (The Advertising)

With In Between, I attempted to do some online promotion leading up to the album’s release. I feel the campaign (if you can even call it that, given its size) did well to get the word out in my close circles. On release day, I got critique back from people I had never even dreamed would be listening. On top of that, I am very proud of the visual media I created.

However, after observing my local contemporaries, I’m aware of better ways to advertise my music, including buying plays (which, at the time of writing, I think is a pretty slimy thing to do, but I can understand why it would be a necessary evil). I have friends who boast about how many Spotify plays they have, but, when comparing their day-to-day / week-to-week growth on Spotify vs Youtube vs Facebook vs Soundcloud, I can plainly see that they are buying listens. It’s pedantic and petty of me to go about comparing all this data, and I will admit this little search was initially born out of bitterness concerning my contemporaries’ seemingly inexplicable, magnificent successes. I have learned, though, that buying plays is just another way to make your product seem enticing. I hate to imagine that a prospective audience member or booking agent would think differently of my music or my project because it wasn’t “popular,” but I guess that must be the case if buying listens is actually proven to help a startup artist. For the sake of my integrity and transparency (which I like to think I hold above all else), I will make it public knowledge if I ever buy views, listens, followers, etc., and I will include where I got them, the number I bought, and for how much money.

If we’re thinking about an album as a product, let’s think about live performances as advertising that product (though, ideally, I would like to be at a spot where the album is being pirated and people are just paying to come to the shows, but that’s not how it is for me just yet). I haven’t performed live in about a year, and I believe I have a good reason for this: in my opinion, I don’t have a satisfactory live set worth paying any amount of cover charge or ticket price for. As a precursor to the next section, I’ll also point out that, with a name like tswtms or The Sunlit Woods, the Moonlit Sea, open mics are a bit of a difficult beast to grapple with, as it’s likely that people in attendance are just interested enough to go looking for you online, but not interested enough to ask you for your name if they don’t catch it during your performance (as you might expect, people do not catch my name during performances). In short, I don’t believe the returns would yet justify the work required to put on a live show.

Again, all this is to say that I don’t think advertising is the problem. I recognize that I could advertise better, but I don’t even think that’s a relevant conversation yet. My Soundcloud only has 51 followers after having it since high school, and the tswtms Facebook page only has 57 likes after 4 years. For comparison, my friends just started a Facebook page for their new Harry Potter podcast, Flipendo, and amassed more than 100 likes in less than 24 hours (yes, both pages invited people, but I will concede that Flipendo has the benefit of pooling three admins’ social circles). I was in a f***ing high school rock band that DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, and we were still sittin’ pretty above 300 likes when we deleted the page (pour one out for My Autumn Distraction, y’all). Before I even consider buying more ad space or any listens, I need a project that can organically grow in a satisfactory manner.

(BONUS POTENTIAL REASON: People hate me because I was a piece of shit in high school / early university who was annoying on social media and not a very good musician, and these people are deliberately ignoring and avoiding everything I do)

Maybe? Probably a little bit. This is a real insecurity of mine, but I think any effect this deliberate ignorance may be having is inconsequential.

(The Name Is S***)

Surprise, y’all.

It’s the name.

Of course it’s the name.

It was never not the name.

I’m finally changing the name.

No matter which way you say it – The Sunlit Woods, the Moonlit Sea, tswtms (tee ess doube-u tee em ess), tuhswuhtuhmuss –, the name does not roll off the tongue, nor does it stick in the mind. I wanted to take a few moments, though, to explain why I’ve stubbornly gone along with this dumpster fire of a name for four years and two albums:

There are already George Deans making music. George Dean and the Gospel Four. George Dean from the UK (We’rebothfromtheUKbutwhateverweallknowbynowthatIhaveaUSpassportandwishIwasCanadian).

I wanted a name that captured a dichotomy. For the better part of two hours, I brainstormed names that would capture the geographic dichotomy I see in Vancouver. We have mountains and lush forests, but we also have the sea. We can go on brightly lit, magnificent hikes during the day, but stare up at the stars as their lights dance across the waters of the Georgia Strait. For anyone who has listened to my piece “Tarot,” you know that there’s a metaphysical dichotomy that can be gleaned from this as well. As it happens, it proved quite hard to capture that imagery in anything less than “The Sunlit Woods, the Moonlit Sea.”

I wanted to take myself out of it. You’ll notice I tend not to post any performance photos on social media, and that my physical appearance is not part of any tswtms promotion. Other than in the music videos I’m planning, I want to remain ethereal and mysterious; I don’t want to be George Dean, but a purer distillation of my mind. I hate that One Direction’s and similar artists’ successes are so inextricably linked to the audience’s physical attraction to the performing artists, and I want so badly to be an artist that minimizes that as much as possible (short of wearing a mask to perform). Maybe, one day, if I’m ripped af – not if I keep living the way I am, I’ll tell ya! – and Vogue wants to do a shoot with me, I’ll bare all for the world, but I need that s*** to not be the reason I’m selling albums or concert tickets; the music comes first and foremost, and I will fiercely argue against the modern assumption that image is as important as the art itself.

I wanted to leave room for a band. Even on my FIRST album, I already had help from my friends: Janine on trombone, Jaelem on drums, Sean on lead guitar, and Are Been on piano. This continues on In Between, where Sean’s playing guitar on “For You.” This project clearly isn’t just George Dean, and it would be a disservice to my fellow musicians and artists if I called it George Dean. Sure, I write the music and lyrics, and I make almost all creative decisions, but, whenever another musician gets involved, they’re going to give their two cents and reshape a piece (no matter how minutely). Furthermore, I’m rarely going to give a solo performance of most of these songs, because they deserve to be played by a full band. I don’t want to go on stage with my friends and essentially say “Hey! I’m the guy you all came for and these five dunces can all f*** off!” Consequently, I have struggled with choosing any derivative of “George Dean and the ________” because, in my head, it may as well be the same thing in terms of dictating superiority. In live performance, I don’t want the audience to see me in front of a backing band – I want the audience to see tswtms.

SBTRKT, Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All, and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance all exist. All three of these projects exist and have achieved a level of success that I’d be happy with. Despite it being pronounced “Subrtract,” I definitely had an acquaintance in high school who liked SBTRKT enough to go to their concert, but still called them “ess bee tee are kay tee.” Long names clearly work for some people, but I suppose mine was just too out there (and I am aware that Odd Future’s name has been organically shortened over time by the audience and the artists, and I was hoping that would happen eventually for tswtms).

I arrogantly wanted to create a barrier to entry concerning intelligence. In my mind, neither The Sunlit Woods, the Moonlit Sea nor tswtms are hard to remember, and I have always assumed that this feat of memory was a mark of intelligence. I realize now that the names aren’t hard to remember for anyone else either; it’s just that other people have other s*** going on that’s filling their heads, and I should be respectful of that. tswtms has been the primary thing on my mind for four years now, so no s*** I’d be well acquainted with the names. Even as I type this, I’m supposed to be working on projects for other people, but there’s so much on my mind that the minutia (or what I consider to be the minutia) is falling out. It would be hypocritical of me to expect someone to memorize cumbersome sets of words or letters that aren’t of the utmost importance to them if I’m not willing to do the same. Furthermore, I shouldn’t get salty about people choosing not to fill their mental hard drives with such nonsense.

Something I’ve often thought in the past �� especially when I’m feeling bitter – is that, if someone couldn’t remember the name or wasn’t willing to put in a little bit of legwork to memorize it, then I wouldn’t want them listening to my music anyway. That’s a really arrogant, elitist, hurtful, b***s*** and insensitive way of thinking, and I apologize that I ever felt that way. As my buddy Sean Dales said to me, “You don’t choose your audience, your audience chooses you.”

I thought I was centuries ahead of the curve with the name tswtms. It’s arrogant to say, but I do actually believe this still. For the most part, you’ve got artists going by their actual names, but, when that’s not available, people are using whatever’s left to allow them to stand out against the incessant din of the modern world. Broadly speaking, you have artists throwing darts at walls, you have snappy mononyms, you have some variation on “X and the Y,” you’ve got “The ______,” you definitely have “______ the ______,” and NOW, with the rise of Chvrches, you’ve got people taking a snappy mononym and replacing letters with other letters. If this trend continues (and I’m sure it will as the digitally available library of art grows and grows with – hopefully – very little of it ever being deleted), I think it’s within reason to predict that, in 200 years’ time, people will be listening to popular bands whose names are just random assortments of letters. For the time being, though, I don’t think society is ready for this jelly. 

The iconography is gorgeous. The thing that really sold me on going with the acronym tswtms as opposed to The Sunlit Woods, the Moonlit Sea (other than Soundcloud not allowing a name that long -.-) was the iconography I developed. In fact, the iconography for tswtms is impacting what the new name will be, because I want to keep the new iconography as similar to the old as possible.

I maintained a monopoly on search results. Google “George Dean” and tell me how many results pertain to me (you can get closer by searching “George TB Dean,” but NOT CLOSE ENOUGH). Google “Sean Dales” and tell me how many are related to either his music or his blog. Do the same with Kyle Cardigan. Now google “tswtms,” and you can bet your neck, back, p**** and crack that every result on the first page has something to do with me.

 Banga-f***ing-rang.

It’s a little thing, but it was nice knowing that I wasn’t competing with anyone else.

I think that’s it for why I chose and stuck with tswtms. I felt that, if I pushed it for long enough, the music would persevere and people would come around to understanding and accepting the name. An anecdote that I believe accurately suggests how badly the name has failed is this: when explaining to a co-worker that I had “come up with a bad band name,” I opted to write down “tswtms” and “The Sunlit Woods, the Moonlit Sea” on a piece of paper and show it to them rather than just say the names, because I have not once said either name out loud and had it be understood without eventually writing it down.

I believe I’ve found a name that is more manageable, yet still allows me to remove my physical self, retain some air of mystery and avoid direct competition with similarly titled projects. Maybe I’ll use this name; maybe I’ll change my mind within minutes of posting this essay to Tumblr. Only time will tell. Anyway, I’ll soon be pulling the tswtms stuff off of iTunes and Spotify in order to re-upload it all under a new name, so, if you want that OG kush, get it while you can. The Tumblr, Facebook, Soundcloud and (hopefully) YouTube page will all just be swapped over to the new name when the time comes, but I’ll be sure to update you all with the social media links when they’re ready.

Namaste

t s w t m s

[2016-05-16 Edit: As of right now, the tswtms catalogue is no longer available on iTunes or Spotify]

[natjoofficial]

#ctec503signal - Final Entry - Nate O’Neill - Carriages

Conceptual statement:

(Small note: my personal artefact was exploration, but I know some of my team went in using another artefact. Challenge was one as it is challenging to achieve helping someone without hurting them and the other I forgot. I’m sure someone will bring it up)

Carriages was originally meant to explore one’s regrets, to make one think of what they regret. Of course, that slowly changed to exploring how to help someone with regrets, but I believe the original intention still exists in the fact that one must explore themselves to figure out how to help each individual as they all are different.

The idea of purgatory came into the game early, the idea of a place to realise all you did wrong and to move on from. It was unanimously agreed that whatever we created would be set there. Then the second idea came into being, and now looking back at it, was over the top and stupid to attempt. We wanted to set the game in a subway station where the player had to defuse a bomb and blah blah blah it was a programmer’s nightmare. While I liked and backed up the idea though preferred a less nightmarish version of it, both of our programmers began to dread it. I wanted to ditch the idea early but our leader at the time carried on pushing for it. Luckily one of the teachers gave us (mostly the leader) a thorough explanation on why it was stupid. Funnily enough, the “leader” began showing up less and less. I wouldn’t say it was good though because our co-leader was a perfectionist and pushed for everything to be amazing. I don’t quite know what our co-leader did in terms of making the project.

For what I created:

Scraped from game:

·         A 3D bomb model

·         A subway station (two in fact, one facing towards the tube, one with the tube in front)

·         A concept for a pixel main character

·         Multiple models of the carriage of different lengths, textures, insides and exteriors.

Used in game:

·         One of the many model carriages I made

·         A logo for our group

·         The backgrounds

·         A poster as well as the model used in it.

·         A outside train station

·         A fair amount of the dialogue, though some was later edited by Max

 Contextual statement:

The game fits in with the artefact of exploration thanks to its dialogue and characters our group talked about for 2 weeks (Thanks Jordon). We were helped by a volunteer from the NZ depression Help line (who didn’t represent them at the time) designing said characters and figuring out how to help them to make it more realistic.

I realise that we are meant to add statistics and quotes here, but even though I was the first to suggest regret I didn’t have any reason than personal reasons behind, with the death of my grandfather I began feeling regrets that I didn’t speak to him more often.

It is common to find someone with regrets. We all have them. From minimal regrets like stealing your friends’ pencil to major things such as killing someone (big jump, I know) we all feel regrets. It is hard for someone to forget what they regret, so they go to people to help. This game is basically “get person to come to terms with their regrets without sending them into a spiralling depression – the game”.  In some sense this game is a great guide to dealing with this sort of stuff. Hell, I’ve had to talk some friends out of depression before though I wouldn’t say I’m a professional at it. We all screw up and it proves that all people should be treated differently.

How to solve each character:

Woman: you must convince her to what she did wrong at first then support her.

Teen: you must treat him as he wants to be treated then listen to him exactly while supporting.

Homeless: You must be friendly and keep the conversation between you two and talk about nothing else other than you two.

Surprisingly, most play testers failed the homeless man due to one of the options being that of asking where they are, which pressures the homeless man to be incredibly hostile to the player since he is not the right person to ask. It’s my personal belief that this is due to players being curious to discover where exactly they are, distracting them from the true objective.

Blog list (Ordered in earliest-latest chronological order):

https://aheterosexualmale.tumblr.com/post/178271679703/alright-new-project-new-team-which-actually

An intro to our game, planning stages, made logo, getting group together.

 https://aheterosexualmale.tumblr.com/post/178408778343/blog-3d-modeling-games

Early 3D modelling of subway station, pixel art concept, me using references for once in my life, the story becomes complex and dumb

 https://aheterosexualmale.tumblr.com/post/178453970693/blog-its-hard-coming-up-with-titles-for-each-of

A small update blog where I show off an update to the subway model and explain the problem with Sketchup in a very unprofessional way.

 https://aheterosexualmale.tumblr.com/post/178473141823/blog-a-brand-new-game-thing-now

We start work on a new version of the game, I reluctantly scrap the subway model and begin work on a new carriage model

 https://aheterosexualmale.tumblr.com/post/178532915833/blog-subway-model-which-is-pretty-much-finished

I’m told that we may need the subway model again for the intro or outro (we don’t use it though) so that gets finished with the longest update blog yet, this time with lighting.

 https://aheterosexualmale.tumblr.com/post/178560230223/blog-weekend-work

I continue working on the new carriage model and complain about Sketchup again. Showcase animation shows dynamic movement for carriage doors which, of course, don’t get used in the final game.

 https://aheterosexualmale.tumblr.com/post/178688890013/blog-degrading

The first day I didn’t show up, so I made a blog about what I thought my team did. The deleted video was a in-joke between the team but got removed of YouTube so now it’s lost to time.

 https://aheterosexualmale.tumblr.com/post/178880680928/blog-late-update

Joint blog for Studio and integrative design (first half is relevant to studio. Second half was me goofing off). The carriages gets to a point of detail it’s impossible to render it as an animation.

 https://aheterosexualmale.tumblr.com/post/179038627553/blog-erm-what-to-put-here

Another joint blog. Second half is the relevant part this time. Began work on outside station.

 https://aheterosexualmale.tumblr.com/post/179367374723/blog-the-super-late-update

An update saying, I did nothing that day.

 https://aheterosexualmale.tumblr.com/post/179409745308/blog-purposely-short-blog

A late blog (because I forgot Tumblr existed) but shows the progress I’ve made on dialogue system, also complaining about Jordon at being the perfectionist he is. I think it was the day after I ended up snapping at him about the problem he had caused, slowing us down. I think he reluctantly accept I was right. I’m not sure.

 https://aheterosexualmale.tumblr.com/post/179439867268/blog-nodes-2

Final blog and update to dialogue system and talking briefly about how the characters will need to be treated differently.