#why must I have empathy and depth of feeling about world issues as well as keeping fandom in its appropriate soul-healing place

[deancasforcutie]

From SuperWiki - bring back srs bsns-mocking culture I BEG we're living in a time where Dean's dialogue predicted antis and other such butchered-social-justice-as-folk-religion nonsense people thought we didn't bring into fandom because we were socially unaware but it was actually because we had priorities

[severus-snaps]

thanks for the additions!! I have some additional thoughts (ofc) on some of your points and this is so much fun to discuss:

it's not enough just to see someone's thoughts - you must be able to interpret them too, ie. have a good understanding of that person and what those thoughts might mean to them, what that person's perspective is etc. In short, you need to be empathetic enough to understand a person in order to interpret their thoughts. This also indicates to me that Snape was both a very good judge of character...

I think Voldemort absolutely had that sort of skill to know how best to 'read' (and manipulate) people; he could be charming, and popular, and offered different things to different people - and withheld different things from different people as punishment (there's also a really good meta somewhere, I think it was this one but I've not recently read the whole thing, about Voldemort and the Death Eaters as a sort of cult rather than a political movement that I think discusses this). I feel like this ties into how he uses Legilimency, but I'd need someone with a brain that cares for more than just Snape to verify if I'm on the right track

I did also have a (longer bit of) section that I lost somewhere about Voldemort's handicaps in terms of not understanding love and empathy, which I think really ties into this in terms of what Snape would've chosen to present, because...

as you say, it shows that Snape has exceptionally good theory of mind. He'd know what to present, and how best to present it, because he knows how Voldemort might interpret it in turn (they'd be absolutely brutal in a game of chess)

unrelated to everything, but just had a moment where I imagined Ron and Snape in a "Snape lives" fic playing chess and Ron insists on wearing mirror sunglasses because he's convinced that Snape's cheating by using Legilimency but Snape's actually just really good at interpreting what people might do

Sort of related to that, I've decided this is a mix of learnt skill, pattern recognition, or hyperempathy, as I headcanon Snape as autistic and he clearly lacked such skills as a child if his early interactions with Lily and the others are anything to go by

And sort of related to that, I feel that Voldemort might have been the one to teach Snape. We know he applies for a Spy position at Hogwarts on Voldemort's orders, we can infer that he kept a reasonably low profile until then. So why wouldn't the world's greatest Legilimens, in line with this, teach his potential spy (one with a slight natural ability at Legilimency and daddy issues a mile wide to exploit for the low low cost of light praise) how best to gather information covertly? Which leads me to this:

legilimency is often denoted through the description of a character's eyes boring into another's. This would indicate that Snape read Harry's mind well before he taught him Occlumency

Firmly agree; this is my favourite on the topic, and I keep thinking about Snape's glimmering eyes in this context

However, we're lead by the narrative to think that Legilimency can be perceived, because the thought being observed floats to the front of the person's consciousness - which happens sometimes, but not others. I don't have anything interesting to say about this, other than: ???

I also don't have anything interesting, but I do have a theory: minds are like onions, and they have layers

I'm joking, but only just. Legilimency can be, I think, done to different depths. (the following titles are just for effect, I haven't given it much thought before writing it so bear with)

Skimming: very surface level skimming of the mind, just a vibe check (how Snape does in early books with glimmering, boring, or otherwise described "meeting" eyes, how Dumbledore's 'twinkle' sometimes). This has no discernable effect on the person being skimmed, other than Harry gets the uncomfortable idea that Snape can read minds and that Dumbledore knows more than he should - but Harry doesn't, as far as I can tell, take this any more seriously than the average person would

'Hearing': When Snape and Harry 'duel' I don't remember there being any indication other than Snape repeatedly blocking Harry's spells that Harry could tell, or feel it, exactly - but Snape knew what words (or intentions?) were forming anyway. I like to think that if thoughts are especially clear - incantations being a good example, as they require some focus - then words can 'pop out' and be "mind read" (which Snape would hate being called that :P). I also like to headcanon that Snape, as part of his natural ability, sometimes heard people's insults even when they were left unsaid, if the thought were salient enough. Imagine in school all the girls thinking you're ugly and you can hear them even when they haven't said a word, or like a Pottermore (I think) article said he could feel Lily's budding attraction to James even if she never said (Also: "The intensity of (Snape's) gaze made her blush." makes me think it might have happened there) :'(

Invading: Snape casting Leglilimens with his wand during lessons, but only catching glimpses of Harry's life/memories. Harry can sense it, feel it, he hates it. There's a physical reaction, Harry reacts without meaning to, full-bodily, to defend himself - but it might not have been as upsetting if it were anyone else; he hates Snape, and Snape hates him, so it was probably a worse experience than usual, because...

Seeking: Snape summoning the mental image of Advanced Potions. Harry didn't react nearly as strongly physically as when Snape was "invading", but to me this is more invasive than passive viewing of memories. It's more intentional, goal-directed, and much more likely to get you into trouble. This is probably what Voldemort is doing to Snape, only Snape is sat casually at Malfoy Manor, letting him into his mind, not resisting (as such) as Voldemort does the equivalent of Googling "traitorous thoughts" inside Snape's head

Planting words/thoughts: Voldemort speaking to many minds at once, speaking to Harry, like at the Battle of Hogwarts

Planting visions: Much more complex, Voldemort planting scenes of Sirius being taken hostage in OotP

I expect you could do more with more power, like planting intentions/actions or mental torture, making things like the Imperius and Cruciatus Curses near obsolete. Loki's speech in Avengers comes to mind:

"I won’t touch Barton. Not until I make him kill you. Slowly. Intimately. In every way he knows you fear. And then he’ll wake just long enough to see his good work, and when he screams, I’ll split his skull."

Legilimency & Occlumency & Emotion

i was reading something somewhere (possibly on my binge of metas last night, but who knows) that Snape was very talented at Occlumency, but just about average at Legilimency - but I respectfully disagree, and here's a whole (3k word) accidental ramble about it, which started as an observation and devolved into how I think Legilimency/Occlumency works in the context of Snape and Voldemort, and why I interpret it differently than it being (entirely) magical dissociation and actually quite an emotion-based skill once it's more complex TLDR: I've often seen Occlumency described/conceptualised as a "shield" or some kind of suppressed emotionless state, but I discovered upon writing this that I think it can be quite a bit more complex and emotional, actually - just like Snape <3

Snape's Talents

The idea that got me rambling today went something like "Draco, who only had a handful of lessons from Bellatrix, was able to keep Snape out of his mind using Occlumency - so Snape can't have been a very good Legilimens, or Occlumency was easy to do"

And I do agree that Snape was probably better at Occlumency than Legilimency by sheer quantity of practice alone - and also that, outside of using it on Harry (and Draco) when they were up to mischief, and Snape likely wishing he could use it to work out what Dumbledore was hiding from him, Snape had no desire to see, hear, interpret or otherwise get the gist of what anyone at Hogwarts was thinking - but especially not a bunch of pubescent students, nor colleagues who liked him on a surface level but obviously were not close enough to think Something Was Up when he killed Dumbledore (which, fair in some ways, unfair in others, but I digress)

[side note: Snape can't have just not used Occlumency for over a decade before Voldemort's return, so I like to think of him and Dumbledore practicing to keep his skills sharp - although I expect that would be another 'fun' way for Dumbledore to hold Snape in chains which would make for an interesting fic]

I suspect that if Snape had chosen to, he could've invaded Draco's mind in that scene, broken through whatever defenses Draco used - but that's not a very Snape thing to do to a student, and especially not one he knows well, was a family friend of, has closely seen grow up, and probably has a soft spot for. It's very reminiscent of his conversation with Narcissa, to me. Throughout that entire conversation with Draco, Snape was trying to comfort Draco, empathise with him, get Draco to trust him, confide in him, offer support to Draco whether he wanted it or not - not further alienate him to a point where Snape couldn't help. And besides, invading Draco's mind aggressively doesn't sit very well with his vow "to the best of your ability, protect him from harm".

And as for Harry's lessons, Harry was using spells - which Snape seemed surprised, interested, and almost impressed to learn that were effective against Legilimency, which isn't surprising in itself as it's not a widely used area of magic. And since Harry had no idea that Snape (and probably Dumbledore) were 'reading his mind' for years before he learnt about Legi/Occlumency, I don't expect many people would know if Snape used it, or put up a fight using those methods - other Death Eaters probably stuck to Occluding, because it would hardly garner any favour if they cast a stinging hex or Protego at Voldemort or in a DE meeting Which brings me back to my other point as well, which was that "Occlumency possibly wasn't difficult to do". On a rudimentary level that might be true (at least insofar as any advanced magic was difficult to do - Harry was actually quite talented, e.g. casting a corporeal patronus at 13/14 or whatever, and Draco could do it after a few lessons with Bellatrix). Harry learnt almost despite Snape, because he didn't take instruction from him well and because Snape is (intentionally) abrasive in lessons (which I could go on about, since Snape couldn't really be nice to Harry when Voldemort was possibly looking through harry's eyes at any given moment - and as other metas have pointed out was another layer to Snape's rage when Harry looked at his memories). But Snape could do it without a wand, without an incantation, so he was reasonably skilled - imagine casting a full body Patronus or other impressive spell with neither a wand nor an incantation

Also we don't know precisely how long Draco had lessons for, it might have been loads and he was actually pretty good, or it might have been 3 and he was awful. But unlike Snape, who is not the greatest Legilimens of all time (that's apparently Voldemort?), it was glaringly obvious to him that Draco was using Occlumency - Snape had him sussed in like 3 seconds, and chose not to go any further for the reasons I outlined above - which interestingly he did not do with Harry, when faced with finding out where Harry learnt Sectumsempra (but at that point both Snape and Draco's life had been on the line - if Draco dies, presumably so does Snape?)

Which brings me back to Snape... How I think Legilimency/Occlumency works (sometimes)

You have no subtlety The mind is a complex and many-layered thing It is true, however, that those who have mastered Legilimency are able, under certain conditions, to delve into the minds of their victims and to interpret their findings correctly. The Dark Lord, for instance, almost always knows when somebody is lying to him. Only those skilled at Occlumency are able to shut down those feelings and memories that contradict the lie, and so utter falsehoods in [Voldemort's] presence without detection.

There's a lot to take in there, and also pretty ballsy to say to Voldemort-by-proxy (Harry), which might reduce the validity of my idea that Snape didn't want to be nice to Harry during their lessons in case Voldemort was watching, since Snape's pretty happy to give Voldemort (and the reader, more likely) a complete insight into what he's himself doing... although I expect that Voldemort has considered this, and also doesn't recognise the limits of his own power - or the extent of Snape's.

I also wonder whether the 'certain conditions' are something simple, like eye contact being made or the spell being cast, or whether there's something to the mental state of the 'caster' at the time as well, like there is with Occlumency walls/shields and being calm and empty-headed, or whether the conditions is the Occluder themselves presenting (or not presenting) some alternative things to interpret. One of the wizarding world (I think) pages says Snape trained a 'slight natural ability', so that makes me wonder more, as well, but i digress.

But my second point is this: Snape's talents weren't Occluding by total shutdown, or Occlumency 'shields' which always now irk me in fanfiction (this I'm definitely drawing from another meta but I have no idea where, so... apologies). Snape wasn't throwing up a wall in front of entire memories or thoughts, for the most part. Although I expect that between the Pensieve and Draco's example use of Occlumency, that was sometimes a function (e.g. some of the things Dumbledore told Snape to pass along, he'd have to entirely block out, alter, or otherwise adapt those memories to make it look as though Snape had passed information along of his own volition against Dumbledore's orders, or hide the fact that he'd helped Dumbledore when he was supposed to be helping Voldemort, etc).

So inkeeping with my own questionable metaphor, where Draco threw up a wall - metaphorically crumbling, last-minute, cowboy builder Occlumency where the wall would hold but you could see it very clearly and obviously; where with a lesser Occlumens the wall was nice enough, but you could see where the paint job didn't quite match up and the plastering wasn't done very evenly; Snape had the whole house set up so that you didn't know the wall wasn't there from the start, and probably had a few artfully chosen scuffs to make it seem real, or it was some kind of trapdoor under the carpet. (okay the metaphor died, but I've been watching a lot of remodelling shows lately, you get the point if you've read this far)

In another metaphor I imagine detecting a lie to be like running your fingertips along a smooth surface and finding a lip or a bump - you could then, pick at it, poke at it, tear it open. You could sense that something was being hidden, or withheld. But there were no lips or snags in Snape's thoughts; potentially Voldemort could simply not detect them, not even when he searched him openly, repeatedly, full eye contact, at the table at Malfoy Manor. Snape welcomed Voldemort into his (it's just occurred to me, but "mind palace") and Voldemort repeatedly, for years, could not tell that anything was amiss, and presumably Voldemort did this with much more ferocity (and skill) than Snape looking at Harry for 2 seconds and immediately summoning Harry's mental image of the Prince's copy of Advanced Potions Making

But it can't be down to detection alone. There's also a level of interpretation to Legilimency. So here I'm focusing on a more interesting aspect to me, which is how emotion is used in Legilimency/Occlumency. Obviously, Snape isn't Occluding all the time, and as much as I adore Alan Rickman, book!Snape was naturally a total petty, stuttering mess (love him for it) who only wishes he had Alan Rickman's gravitas, and could on occasion emulate it.

I told you to empty yourself of emotion! … Fools who wear their hearts proudly on their sleeves, who cannot control their emotions, who wallow in sad memories and allow themselves to be provoked this easily — weak people, in other words — they stand no chance against his powers!

I think this quote is interesting for many reasons I probably won't be able to connect properly and are in no particular order beyond how I thought of them

Snape is emotional here when he says it, he's angry, annoyed, upset, and it's an honest feeling, and he's obviously not devoid of emotion but can still Occlude Harry

Snape is an emotional person, much as he tries to pretend not to be, and can still Occlude Voldemort just fine even on the night he thinks he's marching to his death at the end of GoF

Much like how many other kinds of magic require lots of study and a strong emotion/will/conscious thought at the start, perhaps it become easier with experience to the point where this advice is not essential (e.g. kind of like driving, I no longer have to think about changing gears like I did as a Learner)

Snape is also talking about himself here, indicative of Snape's worldview where showing 'weak' emotions is the problem - soft emotions, vulnerability, "never tell".

"Provoke" is exactly what Voldemort does to Harry

This is Occlumency 101; Snape's teaching Harry the most basic of Occlumency - to compartmentalise, to block someone out, to throw up that shoddy but sturdy-enough wall for Voldemort to come up against, like Draco did to Snape. Harry's anger and emotion is a weakness in this basic Occlumency lesson, where Voldemort is trying to look through Harry and/or trick/provoke him; thus, the wall.

But this probably isn't the kind of Legilimency Voldemort would use on Snape (which is to see if he's lying, if his information is real, if his values are aligned, etc), and it probably isn't the kind of Occlumency Snape was doing in return, to lie or deflect suspicion or ingratiate himself. In fact, throwing up a wall is the opposite of what Snape does with Voldemort; Snape lets him in, lets him stare him down in front of an audience, all the while showing Voldemort what he wants to see. I think as well there's an element of a Legilimens 'grasping' for something, searching, "provoking", like how Snape 'grasped' for Harry's memories of Advanced Potions Making, how Voldemort appears to search Snape at Malfoy Manor - so if all Snape presents is a memory, empty, devoid of any complexity, Voldemort would question it.

In my interpretation, when Occluding, Snape displays a different type of emotional control; Complex Occlumency means you control your emotions, yes, but not block them off - Snape takes his emotions where they need to go, makes them do what they need to do, to support the interpretation he wants Voldemort to reach. He chooses to some extent what Voldemort sees if he lies outright or omits details (a well made wall, basic Occlumency), and chooses how to present it (complex Occlumency). And he does it with subtlety; he doesn't often outright lie, and there's a lot left to interpretation - in both Snape's speech (with Bellatrix) and his actions throughout the books, and presumably his Occlumency.

So I suggest that Snape, in a situation with Voldemort, must be able to "lift up" or "lean into" an alternative emotion for interpretation - the decoration around the wall, the interior design, if you will. For example, Snape couldn't tell Voldemort that he desired Lily, in a total absence of any feelings at all, without it coming across as false and thus easily detectable as a lie. And you know that when a young Snape, who's hardly made a name for himself (Snape's likely never killed, at least, and isn't especially memorable to anyone in Azkaban and is last named by Karkaroff, and other things I won't go into here) outside of overhearing half a prophecy begs for a Mudblood Order member who's the mother of Voldemort's downfall who's thrice defied him to be spared, you can bet that Voldemort will want to thoroughly find out why, so...

To me this suggests that there was a level of desire there that Snape could 'lean into', whether that desire be for Lily or someone else he found desirable to act as a kind of substitute - though given that Legilimency seems to work on mental images and memories at least in part, a memory where he desired Lily would've been useful. And I'm just using that as an example, because Voldemort would also presumably at some stage have interrogated what Snape thought of Dumbledore and Harry, and Snape would've had to lean into feelings of hatred and loathing - which he'd manage just fine for Harry, but Snape would have leant into his feelings after Dumbledore silenced him after nearly getting eaten by a werewolf and again freeing Sirius in PoA, but I digress

When Harry finally learns Occlumency (by his own admission) in the wake of Dobby's death, it's grief that helps him master it - which, for me personally, is not a detached, clear-headed feeling in any sense. It's visceral, emotional, and painful; all-consuming. It's love/grief/loss/strong loving emotion that forces Voldemort out, after he loses Sirius and again when he loses Dobby. But it's a contrast to the emotions Voldemort uses of Harry's to draw Harry out, via his fears for Sirius. But with grief, Harry's dived headfirst into feeling what Voldemort doesn't want to feel (unlike the anger), to keep Voldemort out of his mind. Whereas Snape would do the opposite, and dive right in to the feelings Voldemort would want to sense - to the exclusion of others. Would Voldemort even think to search for Snape's love for Lily, if he was first presented with something more visceral, with more negative connotations, like desire or jealousy, hurt or betrayal? These are the emotions Voldemort thrives on and can exploit, that he's familiar with, that he understands. In the context then of 'grasping' that's how I think Snape leads Voldemort down a path of believing him - by bringing honest 'negative' emotions to the fore that Voldemort understands.

this is really where I think skilled Occlumency differs from dissociation or wall-building. I think Snape would simultaneously have to dampen his 'lie' feelings and to raise the volume on the 'fitting' feelings for his chosen interpretation. My interpretation of this all stems from my experience of writing, of getting lost in music, in using those activities to "wallow" in certain feelings. Snape does not present Voldemort with his true feelings, but they are real feelings. So in that way, I feel Snape was like an artist or writer; he felt deeply, he felt conflictingly, and dived headfirst into those wells of emotion when he needed to - diving so deeply that it cuts off and hides the conflicting evidence. I feel that when I'm writing, when I'm listening to music, when I'm wallowing. And I feel a lot of sympathy for Snape, because it can feel like a real whiplash when you're midway through writing an intense scene or listening to some excellent music that really fills you up with something, it can take you to some dark places, and it's quite shocking somehow when abruptly interrupted - which would be what his life was constantly like after Voldemort's return, leaning into and shying away from/shutting down emotions and memories he didn't necessarily feel whenever he was called, and then having to return to work or meetings in that headspace, where everything feels out of touch and you're in internal turmoil. (Granted, I can snap out of it because the music or the writing is neither here nor there, really, but he'd be doing it with his own life experiences, with his own life on the line, and to repay a debt of guilt - there's a lot more emotional baggage there, and even more once Dumbledore died). And I think it would take its toll in other ways, too, which leads me to Lily...

Far from some people's cries that possessive or obsessive attraction or desire is some huge moral failing, I'd argue that you'll find a level of it in most teenagers and indeed the regular spectrum of human emotion - I know I've certainly experienced feelings of intense jealousy and whatever 'Snaters' (I'm not a massive fan of the term, but as a shorthand) accuse Snape of, whether I acted on it or not. So I'd suggest that Snape 'leant into' that for the sake of being on the receiving end of Voldemort's Legilimency. Whether Snape regularly, or actually, felt those emotions of his own free will or not is hard to say - since there's no actual evidence he did act possessive or jealous beyond the normal teenager level (and that's without addressing the fact that we didn't know how he would've ended the sentence "I won't let you -"). And I'd also go as far as to say that Snape probably, truly, had some awful thoughts (don't we all?) and so he was able to lean into some very dark and gloomy nooks and crannies of his mind, the parts we're told healthy people steer clear of acting on but also undoubtedly experience (jealousy, possession, rage, bitterness) in much the same way as a writer, artist, or musician might, to make his 'lies' and the stories he told more 'truthful' - which was why Voldemort trusted him so much.

TLDR: Snape's a man of many contraditions and very much emotional depth, and he manipulated his own emotions (likely to the detriment of his mental health) for years. But just as I, a fanfic writer, can vicariously experience the bitter resentment for a person who doesn't love me, can imagine a world where he can think those thoughts, embody them, and still not take them on as part of his identity.

anyway i don't have a conclusion, I just had thoughts

[Side note not strictly related to ANY of the above: I find it interesting as well that Voldemort's skill is apparently specifically in working out whether people are lying to him, suggesting that you could specialise even further into different aspects of behaviour. But people do lie to Voldemort (Narcissa, Snape, off the top of my head, but there's no indication of Voldemort using Legilimency on Narcissa in that moment where Harry lives - Voldemort was too elated, once again caught up in his own glory). [side side note: Harry's treatment after his 'death' does make me wonder, briefly, about Snape's own treatment when he returned at the end of GoF - public torture and humiliation, an opportunity for the other DEs to turn on one of their own to 'increase their own standing' in Voldemort's eyes, crucio to weaken Snape's defences, to check that his information and loyalty true? i get the impression that Snape shared his information with Voldemort privately, given that Bellatrix didn't seem to know much about Snape's return, but who's to say there wasn't some 'fun' beforehand, or at other points during his time as spy]

[feysandfeels]

Since you have a literature degree I have a serious question: do you think Sarah maas is a good writer? Cause tbh her books are my ultimate comfort literature and I love them to death. But her pacing is off a lot, she often does the opposite of “show, don’t tell” and 70% of the time a problem or a core issue gets explained by “it’s always been this way in this world and no one knows why”. Also lots of her side characters lack depth and I think she’s afraid to write characters who aren’t extremely pretty and/or more skilled than anyone else.

Actually sugar I do think she is a skilled writer. For me her greatest attribute is the way she manages to create characters that have depth and feel like real people. To me this extends to her side characters. Of course some do get more development than others but I say in general she aims to dig deep with the people she presents on page, the way we dig deep with real life people. Her portrayal of abuse, trauma and healing shows understanding and empathy which are key when you write -even when the characters are assholes-. And the way one was able to map Feyre's journey through the way she engaged with her sexuality remains a victory in my eyes.

I find her world building successful because each time she tries a different strategy even when they follow the same "pattern". For instance ToG and ACOTAR's world development are deeply tied to the character. The way the world in ToG widens in HoF when Celaena can't run anymore from her past and finally faces the weight of her history and the future she must own up to, I think is brilliant because it dislocates the reader and allows us to feel the confusion, frustration, loss that the character is feeling. We realize that we are in something bigger than we thought at the moment Celaena also acknowledges it.

In ACOTAR the world grows as Feyre starts to know more of it too. It is not for nothing that the map gets more detailed in each book, because Feyre starts navigating her world with more confidence but still there is much for her to discover about it and for us too. Even in ACOSF when most of it is established it is still up to Nesta to learn new things. I find this approach refreshing as it involves the reader in a different way, creating the same sense of wonder that these ladies go through.

This dynamic is not the one explored in CC. Here she is more about creating a clear division between the world and how the character explores it and inhabits it, which, in my eyes, explains why it feels so info dump at the beginning. Yet you see how the characters will start to clash with the reality of their world vs how they live in it, as seen in Bryce's involvement with the rebellion (sure my girl could still use more empathy but you start seeing the tension of someone living in a bubble and how things actually work).

However I still think her character work is superior in general. If we are comparing it to her world building. But yes the fact that she is presenting us with worlds that do not have all the answers but are facing moments where they must confront and question the inertia that has carried them for long spans of time, is something I rather enjoy as it makes the worlds be more fleshed out. After all not everything has an answer in this irl world and until recently we heard the "well it’s always been this way in this world and no one knows why” argument.

Regarding her pacing, I must have to disagree with you. Safe for the final part in ACOSF and a tad in HOSAB, I think she paces her stories very well and balances them with character development and action development. I think the problem is more with the fact that people expect each book to somewhat follow the same formula and they don't because she is a person who likes to experiment in her narrative form. Pacing and rhythm are there for you to experiment on them and for the most part I have enjoyed the way she plays around with those. For instance, I remembered a lot of the backlash in ACOWAR came from the fact that it was not as good as ACOMAF, and honestly how could it be if it's objective was something entirely different? Which is why I am mostly opposed to comparing series too. ToG and ACOMAF and CC are having totally different conversations within their narratives.

Finally the "show don't tell" critique, I once again am inclined to disagree. While I do think there are certain moments where she tells you rather than show you, mainly with Bryce and her cleverness, I think Sarah is an author who lays down the dots and encourages you to connect them to draw meaning. A year ago-ish I talked about how certain writers will give you the dots, then how to connect them and then connect them for you; others will give you the dots, show you how they might connect and the leave you to it; and others will simply show you the dots and be like "you swim or you sink", "you connect them or you don't but I won't spoon feed you". To me Sarah is the second and third type... she demands that you pay attention and help construct the world and the meaning. For example she will not sit you down and give you a lecture on the limits of magic, but she will show you that they have yet to find the way to do a c-section with magic... showing you that there is a limit, that there is still discoveries to be made on that front. Connect the dots, engage, pay attention. I explained this better in another ask. If I find it I shall link it.

I am more on the Sarah is a good writer camp. While I do think there are aspects she can improve on her storytelling (like her constant use of certain phrases and sometimes her imbalance of focus regarding certain plot elements over others), generally my opinion verges on the positive. I made some of my literary uni friends read the books too and they whole agree she is a writer deserving of "literary" merit, that has changed the landscape of her genre not only in terms of consumers but in the way new authors go about their stories.

I am here to see her continuous growth.

Besos.

💛💛

[yuraimi-lee-bunny]

Gray’s Character Analysis Part II. Empathy vs Ambition

Hello! Sorry if it took me a while to show the next part of my Gray’s analysis, but this part was a bit difficult for me especially in what order I should give it. You'll see what I mean as soon as you read. This part is going to be a little longer than the previous one and will explain some issues not only about Gray, but also about Carmen and VILE in general.

Thank you very much for the support of the previous analysis and I hope you like this too! Here we go!

As we already know, Gray is an orphan. And yes, it’s important to understand certain behaviors and ways of thinking about him. First, I want to explain a small detail of Black Sheep/Carmen so that Gray's decisions are understood in greater depth once he’s in VILE and his ease of trying to go far (and even the position of almost all VILE agents would also be understood usually)

Why does Carmen think and feel different compared to all VILE and especially Gray?

Simple: Empathy.

Now, it doesn't mean that Carmen is the only one who has empathy and others don't. Rather, Carmen's level of empathy is greater, deeper and broader. What caused it? Living in VILE was the first.

Yes, surprisingly it was that, VILE created her own "enemy" since they decided to give her a home on the former Island of VILE when she was a pretty baby. From the first episode, Carmen relates how stealing was a game for her and VILE Faculty was like her family in some way, especially Coach Brunt because her relationship was "mother/daughter." The other members of the faculty treated her well, they taught her the culture of thier countries and around the world, they gave her food and clothing, a large home, basic education and also living with many VILE students. But Black Sheep only knew the "basics" about VILE, because she lived with the belief that they only taught to steal all over the world, just a "the game of cat and mouse" but it didn't harm anyone, or so she believed.

Another very important factor helped Black Sheep's empathy to expand: Player. That's right, our little favorite hacker was very influential on her. First, because he was the first person she met, empathized and talked about her life outside of VILE. Black Sheep always wanted to know the world outside the island, and Player was his first contact outside the world, and a white hat hacker, his abilities used for good. Black Sheep never saw that as something bad or like a "enemy". On the contrary, he was her friend and appreciated him very much.

Last important factor: The archaeologist's words:

Black Sheep, the one who didn’t know anything about her roots, about her family, thought about how she wouldn’t like someone or an entire country and it’s people to live the same as her: not to know a part of her life. These factors caused that Black Sheep's empathy was different from that of VILE and her agents.

The other agents, although we don’t know their lives completely, the fact that we know that they’re orphans is enough to give us a glimpse that their lives haven’t been easy. The reasons why one can be orphaned are many, which can lead to sad experiences, hard, full of pain, others not of course, but being an orphan is to carry a great mark on your life. And in the end one must survive and get what he needs by his own hands if you are alone. But maybe have a brother, have a life partner, in these cases a brother/sister, can change everything, because you no longer feel alone in life, and you can create a bond of empathy, like Zach and Ivy. Or maybe not, like Shadowsan and his brother.

Sorry if it seems that I'm moving away from Gray, but I need you to understand how the VILE agents don't have a great connection and their empathy is lower because they don't know (or perhaps they do and not having good consequences) about their roots. To experience rejection more than once and for years. Of not having had a "family" or person to help them connect with the world and thereby seek and understand other people. Perhaps most of them had to survive alone. Or they got together with people of bad influences as seen with Shadowsan. They didn't have or lived the points that I mentioned about Carmen, or maybe they did, and even so they wanted to steal for mere enjoyment and get money easily. Everything is possible.

The fact that the faculty recruits students over 16 (it seems that it's from the age of 20 or is an approximate) is a great plan because it's 20 years of a habit of only trusting you, seeing for you and stealing for you, there comes a point where you live it with more enjoyment/play than just "surviving". A "vocational school" will provide you with a home, food, appreciate you for your stealing skills, without being without any communication, living for a year on an island, with people who have in common being an orphan and stealing, feeding your enjoyment of theft , that the faculty helps you find and develop skills to achieve a successful robbery, continuing to see it as a game and now see it in a professional way, which will make you survive forever, generates the idea that “it's okay to do it ”And you do it together like a family.

Graham and Black Sheep understood each other very easily and enjoyed spending time together most of the time. Antonio, Jean Paul and Sheena also considered them his friends, but not as close as Black Sheep. They communicated just by looking at each other, they understood each other easily, and they covered their backs. How to forget when as long as they didn't expel Black Sheep, Graham lied to the Faculty. He reassured her as long as he trusted that he would pass the exam and graduate from her. He felt very bad to realized that they wouldn’t graduate together. Gray somehow began to develop an empathy for Black Sheep. In the book he mentions to Black Sheep in detention: 

“I know they say there is no loyalty between thieves, but we’re in this together right? I have always taken care of you”

Which shows that he appreciated her a lot, but being on the island and under their ideals, made him think that everything was to be in a “family”, everything was loyalty, he didn't realize it could be more than loyalty, but appreciation, the beginning of great empathy. He really knew her very well, her goals, her desire to be the best thief and always improve herself. He knew Black Sheep, but not the factors that would make her Carmen Sandiego.

The next thing I will say is more of a theory/assumption, not a fact: As I mentioned in the previous analysis, Gray is someone who wants to be successful, he's always going to prove it to himself and will give everything to achieve it. Being an orphan, perhaps he has affected him in some way, that at some point in his life he decided to just see for himself and show that he can be successful and that nothing would stop him. He's ambitious. But when he met Black Sheep, his empathy grew more, however, a “struggle” began within him between his ambition and his love for Black Sheep, a person outside his life, but who has lived with her so much that your appreciation is big. A fight, of which, throughout the whole series, Gray will never be aware, but with acts it is always demonstrated.

There is a sentence from him in the second episode that I always found very curious:

This is cute and talks about how much he appreciates Black Sheep to mention her well-being first.

"Criminal Career" Do you realize how much Crackle has thought about it? He doesn't see being in VILE as a game or something. He sees it as a "Career". Something tells me that if it were up to him, he would have set his sights on a position at the faculty. That he would be willing to do anything to achieve it.

At least as far as I'm concerned, Crackle wasn't going to kill the archaeologist because he's evil, or because he doesn't have absolute empathy, it's because he always tests himself to achieve his goals, for him, to start with his criminal career, was to abide by ALL the rules of VILE. He somehow affirms it:

Did he want to be successful? Did he want to have a great criminal career? He had to do EVERYTHING.

BUT!

His empathy reminder was there

and was still there

This, this expression says it all (This expression was the one that convinced me that Crackle wasn’t bad at all and from then on no one moved me from that belief). Deep down, Crackle wasn't so convinced of going that far either. Something in him, the empathy in him spoke and made him feel that such acts were too much for him. Carmen's words reached him. Deep down, he felt she was right. But what could he do? Although he listened to all of Carmen's story, even his ambition and all that year in VILE resonated more with him. Because he hasn’t lived experiences of strong empathy as Carmen already lived.

His goals are very big, he commits himself to them at any cost. But there is also still a place for her in his heart. Unfortunately, we don’t know in detail (or rather nothing) of how he reacted when Black Sheep managed to escape from VILE. But when he and Carmen Sandiego meet on the train, he asks so many questions because he doesn't understand what led her to do all this. As I said before: he didn’t know the factors that I mentioned at the beginning, and there was no time for them to talk about it. He no longer recognizes her, he only has his memories of Black Sheep and of course he misses her, but he doesn't understand that she is no longer Black Sheep, she is Carmen Sandiego:

He told her that because he believed that she was still thinking like Black Sheep, but no more.

I always liked this scene because it shows how Carmen is in the light and Gray is in the dark.

I can only say that he didn’t want to do it, he only did on VILE's orders, because of his ambition that he was almost going too far. But deep down he didn't want to, if only there was a proof… oh, yes there is, but this is not the time to move on to it ;D

In the end and as we know, Carmen defeats Crackle and she uses him to distract Devineaux. This is caught by the police, VILE saves him, and he "regrets" not having caught Carmen (he’s relieved that he had not killed her rather. Crackle NEVER wanted to.)

BUT

VILE can accept failures, but not be trapped by the Law.

So Crackle, since you've lived so many years for your goals and ambitions, let's see what happens to live as little as 18 months with just pure empathy.

It would be all with this part! Geez, I feel that I wrote a lot but it was necessary to tell all this! Believe me that doing this is making me better connect my ideas and understand better to Gray. I hope it’s also helping you, you like it and it makes you reflect. I want to know what they think and if they have any other points of view. I love talking about analysis with more people. The next part for sure will be shorter, but still very important, it’s the safest that if they have it in two days. Greetings!

Part. I Introdution

Part. II Empathy vs Ambition (HERE)

Part. III Amnesia and it’s Future Consequences

Part. III.5 Graham Calloway: The Walking Enigma

Part. IV Integrity At a high (and unfair) price

Part. V The final decision and a new beginning

Plus 1. Gray and his strange habit of explaining things

Plus 2. Crossover: Sabrina And Gray: New Beginning

Plus 3. Crossover: Hawk/Eli and Crackle/Gray: Redemption

[fefipranon]

Let’s talk about depression

In my latest book ‘The Power of Death’ I talk about this topic in depth. I will post the links to it at the end of this post if you are interested in reading it. If there is one part of the book that resumes the message that I wanted to transmit, it’s Mikasa’s (The main character) press conference at the end of the last chapter. 

It’s okay if you don’t read the whole book, but at least, read the following extract from the book (some stuff removed to avoid spoilers): 

Standing behind the podium Mikasa started the conference by saying, 

"Paradis island doesn't have studies about the topic we are about to discuss, but other countries do. In the United States, in 2019, a total of 47,511 Americans died by suicide and an estimated 1.38 million attempted it. [2] What about other countries? you may ask, well, overall, suicide was in the top 10 leading causes of death across Eastern Europe, Central Europe, high-income countries within the Asia Pacific, and Australasia. Within regions and countries, though, suicide rates soared among people with lower social and economic status. [3] This data comes from research made by the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation in Washington, Seattle. [4] This goes without mentioning that for every suicide, it is estimated that there are seven to ten people intimately affected."[8]

Mikasa stopped to take a sip of water and looked back at the audience to continue her speech, 

"Untreated depression can, and possibly will lead to suicide, death. In biology, homeostasis is the state of steady internal, physical, and chemical conditions maintained by living systems. [5] Depression does have an impact on this. Research shows that the hippocampus is smaller in some depressed people. For example, in one fMRI study published in The Journal of Neuroscience, investigators studied 24 women who had a history of depression. On average, the hippocampus was 9% to 13% smaller in depressed women compared with those who were not depressed. The more bouts of depression a woman had, the smaller the hippocampus. [6] The hippocampus is not the only area of the brain affected by depression, the Amygdala, and Thalamus are also affected.[6] Depression is, and should be treated as, an illness that, if left untreated, can be lethal. Just remember the statistics I gave you about suicide at the beginning of my speech. With that data as the base of my argument, it is safe for me to say that depression is one of the top life-threatening illnesses having, in some countries, the top mortality rate overall."

A woman from the public raised her hand and when allowed to talk she said, 

"How can you call an illness to something that can be 'cured' by just talking to a so-called doctor about your issues?" 

Mikasa gave the woman a serious look and said, "Therapy, is not just talking. Psychotherapy stands over years of research and development going as back as the 19th century. There is extensive evidence of its effectiveness. Also, most cases of depression treatments include medication." 

Then a man shouted, "So now doctors will give our kids a bunch of pills just because the child is feeling a little sad?!"

"Several tests are usually performed before a psychiatrist gives a diagnosis of depression. Tests like: physical exams, lab tests, psychiatric evaluation, and the country's manual of mental health like for example the DSM-5 which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders from the American Psychiatric Association, is applied. After that, the psychiatrist might do more testing to see if medication is an option. Because they are physicians, psychiatrists can order or perform a full range of medical laboratory and psychological tests which, combined with discussions with patients, help provide a picture of a patient's physical and mental state. Their education and clinical training equip them to understand the complex relationship between emotional and other medical illnesses and the relationships with genetics and family history, to evaluate medical and psychological data, to make a diagnosis, and to work with patients to develop treatment plans.[7] In other words, for a doctor to prescribe medication to your child, it has to first do an extensive evaluation on the kid before even start to consider medication in the first place. If in the end, medication is needed, then it would mean that your kid is not only 'feeling a little sad', it means that there is a deeper problem that needs to be addressed and the physician will have a lot of evidence to back up his claim.", Mikasa said. 

She stopped talking and pinched the bridge of her nose out of frustration, then she looked seriously at the same man she was addressing before, and said, "Would you rather lose your child to suicide or seek valid, scientific-based help to save the kid's life?"

The man was frozen in place. He was not expecting to be put in the spotlight this way. Mikasa noticed the teenage kid who was seated next to him with his head bowed to the floor. Before he could answer Mikasa said, 

"Do you even know how depression feels like? To have your own mind to conspire against you? To illogically feel worthless, alone, like nobody can understand you, or at least, nobody that hasn't been through the same darkness as you. Do you know how it feels when people tell you worthless crap like, 'get over it', or 'just stop being sad' like being sad is just an option you chose because apparently, you like to torture yourself? Have you ever contemplated to end your life out of desperation to get an out, a break, from your own mind?"

By this point, the kid was looking straight at Mikasa with tears pouring down his eyes. Mikasa knew she was getting through him. She grabbed the microphone and started to walk while resuming her speech, 

"To feel like you are constantly drowning. To feel like an ungrateful ass because logically, you should be happy because you have everything. But you aren't... Thinking that there must be something really wrong with you for you to feel this way without an apparent reason. To feel lost, alone with this feeling that is eating you inside slowly until it gets to the point where you desperately want to rip your soul out of your body. When it gets so bad that causing physical pain to your body is an option since, at least, for a brief moment, your mind focuses on the physical pain which is better for you because the emotional pain is so much greater than a little cut on your forearm."

The man realized that she was no longer addressing him but the person seated next to him, his own son. Mikasa stood right in front of his son and looked at him in the eyes. She lowered the microphone and while brushing her fingers through the kid's scars on his forearm she said to him, 

"You are not alone."

Then, she showed him her own scars and the kid stood up pulling her in for a hug while repeatedly saying, "Thank you"

Reporters were recording the whole encounter. It was real. Depression was real, and it was being recorded. The father of the kid sat back down while looking at his son in shock. Trying to find the words to say he just pulled him in for a hug while saying, 

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"You never really asked.", the boy replied. 

"I'm sorry. I will do better. You deserve better.", his dad replied with a broken voice. 

Mikasa lifted the microphone again to talk and said, "Depression is a silent killer. It could be your child, partner, parent... it could be closer to you than what you think. So before you speak about the topic remember that. Your words could be hurting one of your own for your lack of empathy."

She walked towards the podium again to start answering reporter's questions,

 "What would you say to someone who is going through this?"

Mikasa lowered her head lost in thought and said, "You don't need to have a traumatic event in your life to have depression. Depression is not just sadness and is not only caused by personality type or environmental factors. Genetics and biochemistry are also a big part of it, and those two have nothing to do with how much crap you've been dealt in life. What I am trying to say it's that, it's okay to not be okay, you don't need a reason to, and you don't need to feel worse about it for not having a reason. Being sad is not a right you earn after a certain amount of societally accepted shit has happened to you. Just seek help, see the situation logically, and not let people bring you down. If possible, educate others on the topic. Be the change you want to see in the world."

She paused, thinking of her own struggles with depression, and the stability and peace she finally felt once the pills started to work on her. Sure, dark thoughts still lingered at the back of her head, but, it was no longer unbearable, now, it was manageable. With time and therapy, she had managed to live with it, minimizing their negative effect on her. With this in mind, she said,

"Do not get frustrated if anti-depressants don't work at first, sometimes it takes a couple of tries with different types of medications to get the one that works for you. Researchers are exploring possible links between the sluggish production of new neurons in the hippocampus and low moods. An interesting fact about antidepressants supports this theory. These medications immediately boost the concentration of chemical messengers in the brain (neurotransmitters). Yet people typically don't begin to feel better for several weeks or longer. Experts have long wondered why, if depression were primarily the result of low levels of neurotransmitters, people don't feel better as soon as levels of neurotransmitters increase. The answer may be that mood only improves as nerves grow and form new connections, a process that takes weeks." [6]

She paused and looked at the crowd. Then, she said, 

"In the meantime, stay alive, even if it feels against your will. Do not give a permanent solution to a temporary problem, because trust me, it DOES get better."

Stay Alive

Feel free to share this to raise awareness. This book has all the things I wish someone had told me in my darkest moments, and I hope, it can help someone out there who is going through the same painful path in life. Remember, it's not your fault, you are not alone.

Resources used in this part: 

[1]  Oswego City School District Regents Exam Prep Center. Archived from on 25 October 2012. Retrieved 12 November 2012. URL: homeostasis

[2] American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: suicide-statistics

[3] global-suicide-rates-study

[4] Global, regional, and national burden of suicide mortality 1990 to 2016: a systematic analysis for the Global Burden of Disease Study 2016: content

[5]  Gordon., Betts, J. Anatomy and physiology. DeSaix, Peter., Johnson, Eddie., Johnson, Jody E., Korol, Oksana., Kruse, Dean H., Poe, Brandon. Houston, Texas. p. 9. ISBN 9781947172043. OCLC 1001472383.

[6] What causes depression? Harvard Medical School: what-causes-depression

[7] What Is Psychiatry? from the American Psychiatric Association. URL: what-is-psychiatry

[8] Lukas, Christopher; Henry M. Seiden (1997) [1987]. Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide. Northvale, New Jersey: Jaron Aronson. p. 5. ISBN 0-7657-0056-5.

Book Summary: 

Mikasa is a woman suffering from clinical depression. There is one thing that she is sure of: she wants to die. But when she received some unexpected news that makes her death wish a reality, she starts to wonder if that was really what she wanted. She starts a journey to discover the truth about her biological parents that gave her up for adoption when she was a baby. This journey will guide her to cross paths with someone as broken as her, someone that hates her to death for what her biological family did to him. Will she have the courage to, for once, fight to live? or will she let him drag her to hell with him?

The book is tagged as an ‘Attack on Titan’ Alternate universe fanfic but honestly you don’t need to know anything about the anime to read it. The story has nothing to do with it so feel free to read if you haven’t seen it. 

You can find the story in the following links: 

Archive of our own:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30452145/chapters/75087657

Wattpad:

https://www.wattpad.com/story/264598251-the-power-of-death

[xxtha-blog]

Dream and a Life of Loneliness

A rarely, if ever talked about internal struggle of canon Dream is his undeniable battle against loneliness. Dream's canon shows strong evidence of an ongoing, and near impossible to escape battle with isolation and loneliness, that Dream struggles against throughout the timeline of his character.

Some may wonder how it's possible for Dream to be lonely. He's shown to have almost everyone like him, he travels around from universe to universe, meeting new people and making friends, while also constantly helping people. Surely, Dream is anything but lonely. But loneliness is not defined by the number of people one meets or the number of people that adore oneself, it has rather been shown that loneliness is most commonly attributed to a person's ability to have meaningful and strong connections to people. People they can trust with their deepest secrets or emotions. People who have a few very strong and trustworthy friends are less lonely than those who have many friends, but none they share strong emotional bonds with. This is the key to understanding Dream's never ending struggle with loneliness, as his inability to form complete trustworthy bonds with people is tied intrinsically to the role he was assigned to be: the protector of positivity. In this essay, I’ll explain every aspect of his canon that contributes to his extreme loneliness.

First, we must go back before the apple incident, to when Dream was a child. There, it is a canon fact that during this time, Dream only had two trustworthy people in his life: his brother, and a cat name Neil. Neil lived as an outcast to the village, and was very cold to Dream at first, but they became very good friends, actual friends. The first true friends either of them had ever had. It was stated Neil was the only person Dream could actually talk to, as the villagers treated him like nothing more than a vessel of positivity meant to help them with whatever they wanted, and Dream did not want to upset or worry Nightmare. Before Dream had met Neil, he had been alone in his struggles. The villagers overwhelmed him and treated him like a machine, there to do their bidding, and his altruistic nature and belief he was meant to make people happy, made him continue to help them. Even so, he would run away from the village to cry away his feelings without anyone noticing he was upset, and without anyone noticing he was struggling. He had to, after all keep on a happy smile for everyone else. These early behaviours are important to understanding how Dream handles his powers and emotion later in life, as his powers and trauma exasperate these issues to an extreme degree. 

Trauma

The inciting incident of the true depths of Dream's loneliness is unsurprisingly the day Nightmare corrupts. It is on that day Dream loses his brother, his mother, his home, his chance at seeing his best friend ever again, and gains powers that will cause him never-ending struggles for the rest of his life. He is trapped in stone, unable to move, barely conscious, but not entirely unaware. He is trapped in a prison of fear and hatred, completely isolated from the world, while only still connected to it by the haunting feelings of emotions all around him, emotions he can now feel radiating off of every being nearby. He's unable to help them, and no one's successfully able to help him. He is truly, and utterly, alone. 

When he finally breaks free, Dream is at first very overwhelmed by the prospects of what his life has become. He's finally able to fully face the fact that everything and everyone he has ever known is gone, his brother is out to kill him, and he is now carrying the responsibility of keeping emotions in balance for the multiverse. He's uncertain of how to handle the intense negativity overwhelming him, wondering if he is incapable of accomplishing what he's supposed to, wondering if he's inadequate. However, Dream has also spent hundreds of years completely unable to help those around him, while feeling  them suffer horribly, and he blames himself for what happened despite never doing anything wrong. Dream is trained by Lanny (the protector of the tree of magic), before heading into the multiverse, but never develops a strong friendship with her, as she resents him for the fate of his mother. Thus, Dream is left with a horrible amount of conflicting emotions and thoughts inside him, with no one to tell them to, so he puts on a smile, like he always has, in the hopes it might make someone, anyone a little happier. This is a situation that only worsens as he heads into the multiverse. 

Dream's Powers

The two powers that play heavily into Dream's continued loneliness are his empathy and his positive aura. Dream is already someone who puts the desires and worries of others well before himself, but Dream's empathy gives him the ability to feel other people's emotions, allowing him to feel almost every hint of negativity or positivity they do. While this is an added weight to his existing emotions, it also means that if Dream vents his struggles to someone, or breaks down in front of people, he runs the risk of making someone severely upset or hopeless. Imagine, the embodiment of positivity, breaking down into tears and confessing he feels empty and lonely and scared. That he doesn't believe he can do this. While a few people would support him and try to help him, I believe a vast majority, even those genuinely wishing to help, would feel a sense of: 'if the embodiment of positivity can't be happy, then how can I?' or may simply feel negative by seeing Dream so upset. Because of Dream's empathy, this means, should he do such a thing, not only is he making someone upset, which is something he never wants to do, but he's also able to feel that negativity reflected straight back at him, and will only end up feeling worse. It's a direct feedback loop of: 'if I express my true feelings, I not only feel worse from making someone else feel negative, but am a bad person for doing so, as my only purpose in life is to help others and make them happy. I am selfish for putting my own emotions ahead of that purpose'. Instead of trying to find people he can share his feelings with, Dream actively tries to downplay any negative emotions he has, putting on a smile, and claiming it's nothing. 

His second power, his positive aura, arguably does something even worse, as the empathy is something that can be worked past, but his positive aura is a constant creator of paranoia for Dream and his ability to make new friends. Dream's positive aura is simple enough. People close to Dream feel positive emotions due to the energy he radiates. This, while looking harmless enough on the surface, creates many problems for Dream that are completely out of his control. The first is people's tendency to mistake his aura for feelings of love. If you stood by someone and suddenly felt positive, it's not hard to understand why some people may mistake that for love, despite not genuinely being in it. For very negative or possessive people, they could become overly attached to that feeling, or even addicted, and when Dream has to leave, become negative and potentially violent. Dream's aura creates a barrier between Dream's ability to form genuine connections with people, as he's always worried people he befriends will become too attached to that feeling, or mistake it for falling in love with him, when in reality, they've only fallen dependent on his power. Dream is consciously aware this problem exists, and actively distances himself from people because of it. The second problem created by Dream's aura is its reaffirmation that Dream is only a being of positivity, meant to make people positive. He fooled half the fandom into thinking it simply by keeping on a smile, imagine the subconscious assumptions people would make when met with an aura of positivity, radiating off a visibly happy person, who is said to be the embodiment of such. They would likely assume he cannot feel negativity, he cannot understand their problems, and/or that he is there as a tool to make people positive, all of which, reaffirms to Dream and others, that he is only meant to help people, and his problems are not important. While he has the ability to tell them, 'yes I do feel negativity', or ' I'm an empath and can feel everyone's negativity', etc, doing so has the risk of making people upset, concerned, or overall negative, giving him a strong reason not to. All of this, with the addition of his complete loss of all support, and his trauma connected to the inability to properly help people, Dream is in a place of complete isolation and grief, with new powers that severely inhibit him from forming new genuine connections with people, and trauma that makes him suppress everything he feels down so he can continue to help people lest something like the apple incident ever occur again.

Outside of his AU, Dream does not meet many true friends, or anyone he can truly trust. It's canon that he and Ink experience a falling out due to Dream's desire to help AUs, and Ink's insistence allowing timelines to play out so stories can happen without interference. The people he does meet, and does help within the AUs, even those who treat him kindly, are quickly left behind as he goes to the next one. Nightmare is out to hurt him in any way he can, and any person Dream began to visit frequently could be at risk of being attacked, or tortured by Nightmare. Friends could also be used as leverage against Dream to try and gain the apple, making Dream extremely hesitant to connect fully with anyone.

Truly, Dream is stuck in a deep place of pure and utter isolation and loneliness, with his trauma, powers, and experiences constantly keeping him from connecting with people on a genuine level, or ever being able to truly express the true depths of his negativity. Nevertheless, Dream continues to put on a smile, and continues forward, pretending he was never lonely in the first place, and so, he continues to be completely alone, against the world and his own struggles, until he can find a way to open up and trust again.

[pjstafford]

Letter to The Truly Like Lightning Book Club

I’m a person who likes to write, but I know I sometimes make spelling or grammatical mistakes which annoy people. I apologize in advance.

I do tend to be pretty open and honest about my feelings and I do feel deeply.

I kind of like social media to be upbeat and positive. I don’t really like to knock it too much when it isn’t. What’s the point!? Social Interaction between humans is sometimes problematic no matter what form it takes.

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When it is triggered I have a flight response. On Twitter that means making my Twitter footprint smaller. I want to be smaller to protect myself. Yesterday, though, it seemed like I was being told that as small as my footprint had gotten, I wasn’t small enough. What do I do now? How small can I go before I’m gone.

I truly don’t know where to go with something that is not a life threatening problem, not a rocket science issue, but is a little thing about a book club. I believe it was The Who who sang this is not a social crisis, but just another tricky day for you. This morning is a Tricky day. I am really wondering...

Do we cancel the book club?

Do we have a steering committee to organize it differently?

Do we go off twitter?

Do we have a different facilitator?

Should I leave social media, maybe shave my head and take a vow of silence?

How I feel about this is extremely foolish and really desperately sad with just a smidge of anger.

I feel foolish because I thought the book club was going really, really well. I have loved the discussion. It has deepened my understanding of the book which I already enjoyed. It’s been fun. Imagine my surprise to find out there are issues. The sad and angry piece is a little complicated. So let me put the issues out first since that is what the club needs to discuss today. This is the fourth book club I have facilitated on Twitter. It has been my most pleasant experience until today. Every club has been formatted exactly the same. Apparently this one might need some restructuring.

1. When is the appropriate amount of time following a book’s publication to allow to pass before doing a public book club where people who may not be in the book club could still see the discussion? People who might read the book in the future or had started the book and wasn’t as far along might have spoilers. It’s a valid concern, but Twitter isn’t known for being a spoiler free zone. If a program drops on the East Coast two hours before my time, before I can watch spoilers exist on Twitter. However this book dropped February 2 and we waited until March 1st to begin the book club. We have a # but when people respond they don’t always use the #. Also some people don’t follow me and they are not part of the book club but because people retweet the questions they were showing up on people’s timeline when they didn’t want them there. So the compromise we arrived at was no body can retweet any question or response and every response must have the #. I’m still confused, though, about the rules. Movies/television =immediate spoilers acceptable, books= a month to six weeks is too soon. I was told it’s not a matter of rules but being nice. Ok. I want to be nice but what is the appropriate time because sometimes I don’t read a book for years? If we postpone the book club for six months, a year, three years, thirty? With the compromise reached, why do I care? Because why are we being so quiet and circumspect about a book I think people ought to know about and read. Sometimes social media helps create a buzz. What a shame that a book club that is reading the book critically and in depth is, to some degree, being told to not be so loud because, you know, Twitter is a spoiler free zone. To be clear, I think the persons who raise the concerns did so for legitimate reasons and out of concerns for future readers of the book, but when we talk about the reasons I am sad and angry you will see why this upset me we much. it’s not their fault but I responded poorly and I’m still coming down from my PTSD spiral.

2. Perhaps, the problem is that Twitter isn’t the appropriate forum for a book club. Maybe Discord or private messages or zoom. Yes. This is the fourth book club I’ve hosted on Twitter. I was asked in March last year if I would start a book club due to quarantine. They’ve all been successful so far. Why do I feel so silenced? Again I don’t think the person who suggested this meant anymore than oh, let’s solve the spoiler problem. But I have a particular reason for not wanting to be silenced.

3. Some people have read the full book already and want to talk about the book in its entirety. I see that. I really do. I just have never had a book club like that. That means waiting longer. Some people like the chapter a day. Should we do multiple book clubs ?

4. Are the questions too serious? The subject matter is complex. Would a different facilitator be more appropriate? One who wouldn’t highlight the controversial and serious issues!

Why am I sad and a little angry? Why did my PTSD kick in outside of it being a bad year and a stressful time at work and I’m tired? Haven’t had a day off I a long while. (No complaints I have a job). I’m tired.

April 2017 I started the Twitter account @hearteyes4david. I had help but it was mostly me. I kind of love David Duchovny’s writing. I have blogged about it and have said someday he will have a break out novel. I believe Truly Like Lightning should be it. But the account showed love for all things David and I believe it gave some fans some fun. I enjoyed being a part of it. We had newsletters and contests. But for me, I an first and foremost a fan of David’s writing. I write. I admire writers. His writing should not be diminished by his other careers. In March of last year with the lock down I was asked to facilitate a Miss Subways book club, then the lock down went on so we did his other two books. Twitter and hearteyes have been my happy place in this year. It’s hard when your happy place feels threatening.

I was fortunate enough to get an advance digital copy of the book to read. Wow. Different! Great! It is not because I am 😍. This is one of the best books I’ve read this century. I am an avid reader. I have a critical eye. I wrote a spoiler free review. Almost immediately a fan contacted me. Because of spoilers you shouldn’t have posted this. Why don’t you do a DM for those who are interested? Don’t do spoilers. It’s a spoiler free review. This fan continued to tell me that it would be best not to post about the book. ( you know, spoilers). Then fans who had not read the book but knew for a fact that every other page was full of sex scenes and drugs and it was essentially exactly like Californication (not remotely) started saying nothing should be posted on the 😍 page about this book. Then a fan who hadn’t read it complained about how it handled religion and said it would cause her personal pain to see anything about this book on the 😍 page. I kept saying. I actually don’t care if you read it or not. My suggestion is you mute, block or unfollow the account if you don’t like the content. “But the pain, could we at least not do the book club? “. 🥺🥺🥺. I was convinced that rather than have the controversy on the 😍 page I would choose to leave my happy place account I had created to start a small account and my fan related activities became far more focused. It might not seem like much, but the decision to leave 😍 was hard, but I wanted to talk about this book. These aren’t the only reasons but the three pronged fans really angry at me for a book I didn’t write which wasn’t even published yet was challenging during the holiday season of 2020. I made my Twitter footstep smaller. I passed the account to Charmion who is doing great.

So then I waited till March to talk about the book. In the meantime “fans” who hadn’t read the book, immediately started to spread lies and mistruths about the book including selective out of context screen shots. So much for “Spoilers”. Still I waited until March. So now I have a smaller account followed by 100 people which very few “super fans” know about and about 5-7 of us are talking about this book. That’s it. For 18 days we have discussed the difficult, complex flawed characters and how the book demonstrates that these characters actions caused harm to other characters and yet left us with empathy for all. We have not always agreed. It’s a book club. Reading one chapter a day.

Yet somehow we are too loud. My tweets were being retweeted. You know, have to be concerned about spoilers. Were there 15 hate filled tweets from people who shared screen caps they were sent of random out of context paragraphs, people who proudly say they haven’t read the book, don’t need to, they’re experts, 15 for every one of mine. Of course. But I’m too loud. You know. Spoilers

So I am sad. Desperately so. I walked away from an account I had poured a lot of love into because I believed in a book I wanted to talk about. After being pretty involved in the fandom, my current activities are pretty narrowed. I’m not sure I can continue to facilitate the book club. I guess my days involved in “fandom” outside of being a fan are drawing to a close. My happy place is kind of gone.

I’m angry because this book deserves to be critically read on its merits. I’m angry because I don’t like my voice to be silenced. I’m angry because I think there are fans who actually like the book who are in fact concerned about spoilers, but they don’t realize by silencing or at least quieting the discussion of fans who have read and want to discuss the book, they are only allowing the space for the haters voices to be heard. I’m angry at myself because every step of the way I should have handle this differently. I’m angry because I shouldn’t care so much. It’s not a Jan 6 insurrection, climate change, or world peace. It’s a book by an author who don’t need me to fight these battles.

Finally I’m simply confused about where or what to do. With an account of 100 followers some people who don’t follow me think I’m too loud because I’m posting about something they don’t want on their feed (David’s book) and someone might repost me. Because I feel threaten by people telling me too get smaller my response is to try and get smaller. So I shouldn’t post about David’s book because there are people in he fandom who don’t want to see posts about David’s book. Ok. I should come on Twitter and never interact because that way no one will ever see a post from me they don’t want to see🤷‍♀️. Mercy, I’m on a lobbyist, have you guys seen the political stuff I post on my other account? Yep, probably just the fandom stuff I need to walk away from except for, you know, being a fan, but never discussing it.

[rochey1010]

Hi guys 👋

Just wanted to make a post to add to the discourse in the tag. 😄 it's about Maya and her decisions/behaviour.

I also wanted to draw attention to the intentional Elu/Mayla parallels that are all over this season and...actually i might do a post on that and how Eliott more than most is essentially a prism for this season and his story, actions, emotions, passions are reflective in 3 key areas (Lola -female Eliott, Maya, Lamifex) and he is being used to set up and hand off to this new generation e.g. Elu (21:21) and mayla (22:22) aka old gen- new gen.

Anyway the parallel here is S3 E5. So Maya is now getting attacked by fans just like Eliott did when he made his decision to do what he did in that episode.

Eliott's conundrum was bipolar. His great SKAM being his mental illness. His fear is huge and rooted in it.

Maya's is Alcoholism and her father driving drunk and killing himself and the mother, leaving young Maya as the only survivor with the dandelion scar as rememberance.

Both have been confronted with the pain from the one they want most, and how involved they are in their SKAMS. Lola directly involved with abusing the vices that traumatised Maya. And Lucas indirectly involved with mental illness, being on the periphery of it with his mum being mentally ill. Both have trauma because of it with Lola an addict and Lucas scared of it because he was raised in it.

There is a moment that again parallels S3 E5 but this time another scene. That scene is the reveal of the SKAM to the one you love. This time at the school Lucas reveals Eliott's SKAM to him and breaks his heart as well as scares him away with his feelings about mental illness "because i don't need crazy people in my life" Eliott can't hide his pain and bleeds out for us to see. He makes his decision to do what he does next.

With Maya it's when Lola reveals her SKAM to her in her home "i'm an addict" and Maya comforts her but is already emotionally distancing herself from her based on this information. Maya then has another scene to help her when she sees bitter Lola drinking and then gets hurt by her words in the restaurant. Maya leaves seeing essentially her alcoholic father all over again.

Max/Char in this case is basically Lucille. Eliott's talk was off screen and he alluded to Lucas in the kitchen scene the morning after their reunion that Lucille made him think it was better if they stayed together. Max her emotional Lucille in this scenario tells Lola himself what he has said to Maya. "I told her she was falling in love with you, and that you're toxic for her"

Now Maya is scared and reliving trauma just like Eliott. Eliott's being he's not worth loving, and can never have what he wants most (Lucas) that he will always have to settle, and it was wrong to leave his dark world. Maya's being her seeing this happen before and the chaos and destruction that is left behind (2 dead parents and one orphan) in the pursuit to love and help a self destructive person.

So Maya turns to Char. Her physical Lucille, as she isn't in love with Max. So this is the scene where Lola/Lucas are confronted with Maya/Eliott leaving them. With Lucas it was immediate self destruction and a hurricane of pain. With Lola who likes to twist the knife slower into herself. It will be a slow build up to her eventually going back to her vice of choice. Alcohol i suspect as of right now (Eliott and the movie being the buffer and positive influence she can focus on) but eventually and sadly, drugs and a final bender.

But as Mayla and Elu are paralleling each other. What eventually happens is that like S3 Eliott ends it and thinks he can let Lucas go and settle for what he always has done. He realises he's in too deep and can't stop loving him. This time Maya hasn't started it but will realise that she is indeed in love with Lola and can't let her go. Char like Lucille will be gone very soon.

Just remember how much you love Eliott and how he suffered from what Lucas said to him, how he hurt (raccoon drawing behind the wall) how he was misunderstood (raccoon trying to write a letter but binning it) and how he pined (sculpture hug pygmalion reference and Woolf quote) on his insta (his narrative) and now think of Maya and the horrible pain of losing 2 parents to the self destruction Lola is regulary engaging in right now. To being an orphan and having to relive an alcoholic father again through loving Lola.

With Lola she hasn't taken responsibility. She goes on benders based on how she feels. She is not reliable and just a week ago was bitter and drunk spitting insults at Maya. She told Eliott she doesn't even know if she wants to change. And was high as f last week and had to be helped by Eliott. She told Daphne that even after everything she still has the urge to go back to the dangerous predator Aymeric for a fix. And now understand why Maya has distanced herself. So far Lola has pulled in people she cares about into dangerous and uncomfortable situations. Eliott with violence, Maya with alcohol and being drunk, Daphne with the cutting predicament. Now Lola is getting a taste of what's it's like being on the other side of her self destruction. And this is good, because it means the addict behaviour of blaming the world for your bad choices is beginning to change. As she is building a support network around her she is developing empathy for others suffering and pain, as for a long time her anger and learned helplessness in being a depressive has blighted her.

Just to clarify i'm not attacking Lola. This is an objective view. She is an addict and she is choosing to make bad choices based on how she feels. She is constantly 1 step forward and 2 steps back. And one week she could be sober and the next high. Change is consistent, and maya sees that Lola isn't. Maya is doing what is right for her well being and Lola must do what is right for hers.

Lola just isn't in a place to be in a relationship right now and this is why her and Maya are a slowburn situation. This is first and foremost about an addict developing the right tools for healing and building a wide support network. With themes of addiction, self destruction and mental illness. Romantic love is just one part of that puzzle this season, so i do suspect it will be a Sofimane situation and Lola and Maya will become official towards the end.

Just, guys, compassion for Maya too. This time we are seeing the Even side of the equation as Lola is female Eliott and Eliott and Daphne are blocked so Lola was created as the link to explore these blocked characters. For Eliott especially, Lola has a very Eliott type of narrative. Meaning if Eliott had his season we would be seeing very similar issues and tone.

So remember compassion for Maya too. We may see her pining on her insta. The only disappointment though is the mental/emotional state on both instas aren't being utilised in the great way they were in S3. Eliott's was so well developed that we got an Eliott narrative through his private insta journal. Sadly we really aren't getting that with Maya and even Lola. It's more a general theme of breakage/destruction for Lola's and environment/feminist Maya. The depth is lacking there i must say. Like Eliott's would link up to the clips and his emotions, and we'd see Lucas on screen but through Eliott's insta feel Eliott. I'm hoping they show Maya's confusion and pining through her insta just like we saw Eliott's. But i'm not counting on that or Lola's TBH.

Right so as i said i'm planning on doing a post on Eliott and Lola's friendship and how well it's been developed. So see ya soon. 😚

[amberlarks]

“Half”, 2019-2021, oil on canvas, 48”x 60”. It’s about growing up half Asian in America. Art is about wearing your heart on your sleeve and I have a lot to share about this one. It would really mean a lot to me if you read the story behind it. I reflect on the current events of the past week and past year. It feels very vulnerable sharing all of this, but I also know how important it is to share. This is one of the most important and personal paintings I’ve made in my life and I’m so happy I finally finished it. Thank you for your support, your inspiration, and for listening❤️

Growing Up Half Asian in America: A Reflection on Identity and Racism

By Amber Larks

I finally found my words. Day 1 I had no words, only grief. Day 2 I was furious with rage. And now I feel a sense of healing. Grieving together and supporting each other even just virtually has been so healing. And it inspired me to finish a painting I started sketches for in 2019. I’m not sure what strange force or feeling came over me to put it down and not pick it up until now, but I think it was meant to be.

These two years have been huge for talks about race and I’ve learned so much. I think my painting was finally ready to be completed because of how much I’ve experienced and learned and because of that, found my voice and identity in this movement.

This painting was art therapy for me and I know a lot of people will connect with it. I had been struggling for so long on my thoughts on current events because I am half. Half Chinese and half white. Somehow, I always feel my thoughts or feelings aren’t valid because “I don’t know what it’s really like to be Asian”. I have always struggled with imposter syndrome because I’m half. I constantly straddle two worlds. But being Chinese is who I am, it’s half of me. I was gaslighting myself wondering if my grief was valid. Thoughts like: “You’re not really Asian so stop playing the victim here”, “People will think you’re just a white girl trying to look woke” and “You should be sad, yes, but grieving like you knew them? That doesn’t make sense”. How fucked up is that?

But this is what being half is like. You feel like an imposter even though it is 100% genuinely part of your identity. And I honestly think this is where a lot of my social anxiety comes from because I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. But being half is also a beautiful blessing where I’ve cultivated a deep understanding and practice of empathy.

Being half, you experience direct racism but more often racism in the form of people being racist in front of you not knowing they are in front of an Asian person. My first memory of racism is being in second grade and two white boys in my class pulling their eyelids up and down taunting “Chinese” “Japanese” “Chinese” “Japanese”. I will always remember it and the feeling I felt.

And Seattle, my city, as much as a beautiful, progressive haven that we are, we blindly participate in passive aggressive racism. I can’t tell you how many times people have complained to me about “Asian tourists” as if they are not human, but instead an inconvenience to your white city. As if they are not people who have worked hard and saved for years to take their family on vacation, land in a foreign city with a foreign language only to be scoffed at and not welcomed. Where is our empathy there? Where is our humanity? So much of racism is not seeing others as human which makes it easy to be so cruel. The dehumanization of minorities is pure cruelness.

Maybe we don’t do things like you, look like you, or talk like you, but that doesn’t make us lesser. We have feelings. We feel pain. We have depth. We’re smart. We can read between the lines. We know when we are not welcome and it hurts. We know when we are being ridiculed and it hurts. We know Hollywood only sees us as objects and it hurts. We see our brothers and sisters getting murdered and it hurts.

Growing up half taught me to hide my Asian side because from age 5 I deemed it unsafe to show in fear of being bullied. As I grew up, I continued to hide in fear of being disrespected, stereotyped, harassed, and sexualized. That last one is huge for Asian women and disturbs me to my core. I hope I never hear the phrase “Asian persuasion” again or “exotic” like we are some seductive fetishized foreign object rather than individuals.

Also mixed kids need to be normalized. Being mixed is becoming more common now thankfully but growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, I had people ask me if I was adopted, if my mom was my nanny, or “what am I?” and “Where are you from?” This is so alienating. And we’re still at a point where we’re being fetishized because of “how exotic we look”. Please take a moment to understand why these are issues.

It’s only within the last few years that I’ve gotten more comfortable sharing my identity as the world becomes more accepting of different cultures. Although current events show why I’m still weary with sharing my identity with people I don’t know.

And yes, I am privileged in many ways to be white passing because I have the option to blend in easier. I have realized this year more than ever just how privileged I am and oblivious I was. But I also feel the weight of pain our communities feel. And grief is grief. Struggles are struggles. Pain is pain. We need solidarity to move forward.

So I’ve been really touched the past 24 hours how much support and outcry there has been. My boyfriend (also half Asian) and I were saying how it’s actually weird seeing all this Asian stuff. I had to do a double take at what was happening- to see so many people talking about it. We’ve always just dealt with it and somehow society made us feel that’s just how it was. We were used to it. We learned to expect it. You learned to deal with it. And you don’t complain. “People have it harder” “We’re lucky to be where we are”. Silent strength. And silent suffering.

I think of my grandma and her strength. And how she never complained. And it breaks my heart to think of the things she must have endured throughout her life. She was my hero. So strong and so quirky and so herself. And I think of how all of that is in my mom and my sister and I. Being Chinese to me is to be resilient. My people have been through so much yet we’re taught to keep our heads down, work hard, and not complain.

So it really warms my heart seeing so many people speaking out about this and supporting us right now. It’s really moving to see how much positive support can help heal a hurting community. Just seeing people speak up is healing in itself. That people are listening and our problems are actually real. That we’re not overreacting. Victims normally don’t see themselves as victims if they’ve been manipulated to think their pain is normal.

That’s how it’s been for Asian people. (model minority myth at play here). And this is the problem with the model minority myth: It is crafted out of white supremacy to preach “congratulations you should be proud you climbed your way out of poverty. Not like those other folks. Look at the bright side. Forget the rest. Forget the torment we put you through. Forget the past. Aren’t you so glad to be you, a model citizen, a respectable citizen” when in reality it is giving a false sense of security and false praise in a society that is still so very hostile towards you. It delegitimizes our pain and manipulatively puts us against other minorities. It “deems” us closer to white even though that’s not true at all. It’s not a scale of white to black and everything in between. We are all unique cultures and something we just happen to have in common is that we are all not white. We all know what it’s like to be the minority. And we have strength in solidarity.

This has been a moment of clarity for me for my identity. I grieved and I’m still grieving for those lost and their families. Because they could have been me. They could have been my own loved ones.

Empathy can create so much change and healing. So please, when a community calls out for help, please return the call. Picture yourself in their shoes. For them to endure so much pain to finally reach the breaking point of calling out for help- it means it’s serious.

This past year has shown how much white supremacy upholds our society. It really does permeate every major artery, crack and corner of this place. It’s also shown how easily it’s tolerated. Excuse after excuse is made to uphold it and it’s time for that to stop. Thank you thank you thank you to everyone being vocal about this, everyone who is evaluating how their thoughts, words, jokes, or actions could be part of the problem(it’s not your fault, it’s the society we grew up in), and to everyone who reached out. Thank you.

I feel like a weight has been lifted finishing this painting and at the same time I am finding peace with my identity. Being Asian is having an unspoken bond with other Asians because you’ve all been through similar struggles. You are brothers and sisters in solidarity. And that’s what I love about the Asian community. We have an unshakable strength in each other. But recently our community has been violently rocked and traumatized seeing our brothers and sisters murdered and abused. It takes a toll on a community. It’s a collective grieving we are going through. So thank you to everyone returning our call for help. Thank you for listening. And thank you for your love. We will heal but we will need everyone’s help to get rid of white supremacy, racism, and domestic terrorism. And until then we will continue to stand in solidarity with all communities fighting for the same cause✊

I ask of everyone reading this:

Please try and use a lens of empathy to understand why marginalized communities are marginalized as well as their history and struggles.

Please take the time to reflect in the moment if your everyday actions, words, and thoughts perpetuate stereotypes and racism. I’ve caught myself many times. It’s in all of us because we live in a toxic society built on white supremacy. But that’s where the progress comes- when you address it and try and fix it.

Please vote and support leaders who are anti racist. Who work to uplift all communities. Voting and activism works. Rhetoric matters. And politics is not just an old man’s game anymore.

Show solidarity. It means you care.

Have empathy. Do your part to make the world a better place- not just for yourself and the people you care about, but for every human being. The light in me honors the light in you❤️

[silver-wield]

I really don't get people who are "fictional characters aren't real, so if people hate them it's not that deep", like please stop, I will defend tifa and cloud till I die. There's nothing wrong with people liking and defending fictional characters.

Ok, let’s unpack this shit and I’ll try and use small words for yall creepers....Who am I kidding? I’m not gonna use small words because even if I did yall wouldn’t understand. So Imma do this my way and fuck yall if you don’t understand. Go back to school. Fucking google it. 

The association and relation to fictional characters.

Cognitive brain function is the mental process that allows us to receive, transform and recover information that we take in through day to day life. It’s what allows us to relate to the world and people in it. Through cognitive brain function we gain both emotional and physical skills. 

Emotional skills developed through cognitive brain function include empathy. 

Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Notice there’s no codicil to that. There’s no “you may only have empathy for others under these specific requirements or situations. Your empathy is null and void in situations others deem inappropriate.” There’s none of that. Because empathy is individualistic. It’s a learned trait, not something we’re born with.The brain chemistry exists for greater or lesser degrees of empathy, but it must first be brought to life by experiencing it. Empathy needs a trigger. 

Some of the first exposure we get to empathy is as children when we’re learning to read.

We want the hero to save the day. Because he’s earned it. We want the wicked stepmother to suffer because the heroine is so sweet and kind and “omg how dare they hurt her?!”

That’s empathy.

You put yourself in the heroine’s shoes and felt her pain. Related to it. Was that just meaningless because she’s fictional? Or does it matter because you care? Have I ruined your favourite childhood story by making you question why you cared at all?

It’s okay to care. 

As the brain develops from childhood, we use these early memories to form the foundation of our identity. Those who felt empathy to a greater degree will continue to feel empathy to a greater degree. These people make amazing listeners and they often work in caring professions or volunteer or they’re just basically great human beings because they have an innate sense of kindness. Because they learned early what it felt like to care for others. Because they cared for fictional characters. (That’s not to say I’m discounting other situations good or bad that act as a trigger. In this instance, I’m only referring to what’s necessary to explain empathy in relation to fictional characters)

Through these fictional characters they were able to try out different facets of their personalities. Learn what felt best for them. Helped them build their core values. Once these are set people don’t change. They evolve them, add and take away, but at their core, this is who these people are. If you are empathetic at your core you will always be empathetic at your core. 

Recognition.

The act of recognising others is a basic identifier and part of cognitive brain function. We look for similar aspects in ourselves to identify in others and prove their legitimacy. They exist because we acknowledge them. Yeah, it’s actually that simple. It’s the same reason we see the sky as blue because that’s the identifier we’ve given it. We acknowledge the legitimacy of blue and relate that identifier to the colour of the sky. 

With fictional characters it’s no different. They exist because we acknowledge their existence. The brain, while sophisticated, does not know the difference between fact and fiction. We use our judgement and knowledge to provide the necessary context to the situation. If we say it’s real, then it becomes real, and any feelings related to that also become real. The brain doesn’t stop us and say “but this isn’t real.” It doesn’t know it’s not real. The brain is an 3lb blob of pink jello wobbling about in your skull. It takes the information that you send it and makes conclusions based on similar past situations. 

If you showed empathy towards fictional characters as a child and treated them as though they were real, the brain will continue to recognise fictional characters as though they were real. 

Why you hate.

I was gonna say we, but let’s be real, it’s just you lot.

Hate: a hostile feeling directed toward another person or group that consists of malice, repugnance, and willingness to harm and even annihilate the object of hatred.

Hate is not an emotion. Anger is an emotion. Hate is a motivator to emotion. Hate is long lasting and gives you excuses for your actions because you ascribe emotional attachment to it. You’re angry and it’s unfair that you’re not getting your way. The object of your anger is preventing you from being happy. It’s causing a block. So you hate because it makes you feel out of control of yourself. If only this thing in your way was gone, you’d feel better about yourselves. It’s not you that’s the problem. It’s them. You’d be a perfectly good and decent person -- you are a perfectly good and decent person any other time -- if just this one thing wasn’t bothering you. Hate provokes resentment, which leads to bitterness, which leads to the erosion of the sense of self. It damages you at your core. Like all negative influences do.

Hate also leads to fear. A basic emotional response that is prevalent in every single human being from birth.

Yeah. Birth.

Humans are born afraid. 

Fun right? Wanna know how I know that little fact? It’s called a startle reflex and all babies have it. It’s that really cute thing they do when they’re sleeping and suddenly throw their arms up because they think they’re falling. That’s fear. Not so cute anymore, is it?

Since we’re born afraid, our instincts work to resolve that fear. In the case of hate, the “correct” response is to obliterate the thing making you afraid. Oh, look, now we’re segueing into racism. Something else that’s funny not actually funny.

Do I need to go on? Or do we get the message that those with empathy have a positive outlook on life and that their response to outside stimulus is to try and understand and help work things out. Those with a hateful outlook take a different path. 

I’m not even gonna go into the whole gaslighting bs that yall haters use to try and resolve your fear and hate in these situations because part of that resolving is the need to be acknowledged as being in the right. Your hate was justified. 

No. It wasn’t. 

In conclusion.

Because we gave legitimacy to a fictional character and showed a realistic emotional behaviour towards them, they became real. Our brains do not differentiate between real and fictional because of connections made during early years brain development. Once those connections are made they cannot be undone. If we feel they are real, then they are real. And you do not get to decide to what depth that emotion is felt. You do not get to undermine that emotional connection that we form with fictional characters. 

You are not in charge.

Your innate sense of fear and psychological lack of development in certain emotive areas makes you small minded and hateful because you lack development and the expression of that hate is to attack the thing you fear because by doing that you think you will find peace.

You will not. Because that thing will always exist. Because there will always be someone who disagrees with you. Because you cannot control the world. Your control issues are something yall need therapy for. Among your other many many issues. 

TL;DR Fictional characters legitimacy and emotional connection is dependent on the individual and you don’t get to tell us “how deep” that connection is, but yeah, it is actually that deep and you need to get over yourselves because you’re not the boss of the fandom and your hate is harmful to yourselves as well as pathetic. 

[ckret2]

Eddie Eats A Map

Written for @symbruary Day 11: "romance". Featuring Morbius again because I've been meaning to bring some Venom/Morbius into the world for forever.

Honestly this is less "actual romance" and more "being friends and also there's secret attraction that might be one-sided" but like... it's pre-romance. Also Eddie mentions being married to symby so there's your romance. Also this was supposed to be two scenes and the second scene was going to have more romance but then this got long, I'll use my Free Space day to write the second scene or something.

My friends, I've never read an issue actually set in Monster Metropolis, my description is based off the wiki and posts I’ve seen other people make on it. Please forgive any inaccuracies.

###

Eddie studied the crude map.

"I'm trusting you with this," Morbius said solemnly. "Both not to abuse this information and not to let it fall into the wrong hands. Memorize and then destroy the map—"

Without bothering to check if anyone else in the 24 hour diner was looking their way, the symbiote stretched Venom's mouth across Eddie's face and they stuffed the map into their maw.

Morbius froze mid-sentence, mouth open behind his disposable face mask.

Venom slurped down the fang-shredded paper and then grinned at Morbius for just a second before their fangs receded back into Eddie's face and their skin melted and oozed back into Eddie's pores. Eddie wiped some green slime off his chin with his thumb and took a sip from his mug of hot chocolate, smirking.

Morbius glanced around the diner to make sure nobody noticed—the whole point of Morbius's wearing a mask and Venom's keeping their slimier half stored on the inside had been so that they could meet on the street level without immediately being pegged as monsters—but the other three late night/early morning diners looked half asleep at their tables and the waitress was boredly watching her phone. Morbius turned back to Eddie and stammered, "Yeah, that—that accomplishes the task. But you shouldn't do that again."

"You were saying?" Eddie prompted, digging into his omelet. "About Monster Metropolis?"

"Right." Morbius tried to collect his thoughts. "This city has already suffered more than its share of traumas. Just a few years ago it was nearly destroyed. I know all you've done to help and protect the dinosaur-people—the Moloids have brought a couple to the metropolis and they speak very highly of you. I know you can keep this metropolis secret as well."

Eddie nodded, slowly lifting a bite of omelet to his mouth. He didn't comment until he'd swallowed. "I’m not sure we like how you say 'can,' there. Like you know we can but aren't sure we will."

Morbius hesitated. "Not everyone in this metropolis is what you might personally consider 'innocent.'"

"Ah."

"But we protect them anyway," Morbius insisted. "Not from the consequences of their actions, but from the persecution based on their nature that they would face on the surface. When they cause trouble, we handle it internally. We won't have our city exposed to the surface world again and its cruelty again. I'm asking you to agree to that much."

Something in Eddie's expression shifted at the word persecution. Morbius was sure he had his empathy then—hopefully the other's, too, although it was hard to tell. In all the times Morbius had overheard Venom talking to themself, he couldn't recall ever hearing them disagree with each other; but surely it had to happen; and he was well aware that, as often as they agreed, their thoughts weren't identical. Why would they need to talk to themselves at all if they were?

And every once in a while Eddie said something in a slightly different voice—it wasn't as obvious when Venom spoke, but it was when Eddie spoke—and Morbius got the impression that he wasn't sharing his own thoughts so much as conveying something his other had asked him to say. He didn't think in those moments the alien had actually seized control of Eddie's vocal cords to speak its on mind, just asked Eddie to speak for it; but the difference was still audible.

When Morbius was around Venom, he had long since gotten past the eerie feeling that an uninvited third party was listening in on a one-on-one conversation, and instead moved on to the entirely new eerie feeling that he was having a conversation with two people but one of them was dead silent except to occasionally whisper in the other's ear.

"We notice you gave us the map before checking whether we'd agree to your terms," Eddie said. "And you're not getting the map back. Why the show of trust?"

Morbius had been hoping Venom wouldn't look that gift horse in the mouth. But, since they'd asked... "For three reasons," he said. "First... if I'd been considering this a few years ago, before you two..." He puzzled over the appropriate wording for a moment. "Separated?" He thought broke up might sound too intimate.

But Eddie nodded in confirmation. "Temporarily separated to work on our marriage."

Marriage. That word hit heavily. He pushed his own reaction aside. Oh, okay, he should have leaned toward more intimate. Talking to Eddie and his other was a constant exercise in reminding himself to underestimate the nature of their relationship a little less. "Before you temporarily separated, I wouldn't have given you the map. But the person—people?—that you are now, I believe I can trust with it. But I'm having to take it on faith that you're going to keep being who you are now rather than who you were then. If you get my meaning."

Eddie smiled tiredly. "Believe me, that's what we want, too." He sighed. "All we've ever wanted—before and after our separation—is to be a hero together. It's... just been a process getting there. You know," he shrugged, looking down at his half-eaten meal, "had to work on ourselves a while, had to work on our relationship..."

Morbius nodded, trying to look less mystified than he was from wondering what an alien goo had to work on. He supposed anything with sentience and emotions must have personal issues worth working on—he just couldn't imagine what they actually were. That silent third participant in the conversation he knew so little about. "The change is evident. Both from seeing you in in the news and from talking to you."

Eddie smiled sheepishly. It wasn't a common look on his face. "I'm going to take that as approval of where we are now rather than as an indictment of where we were then."

"That's how I meant it."

"Good."

"And second," Morbius said, figuring they were probably more than ready to move on from even this relatively gentle critique of their (comparatively) wild days, "Monster Metropolis is, first and foremost, a haven for the nonhuman people that humanity considers monsters. And your other is nothing if not seen as a monster. If it ever needs somewhere safe to run, I want it to be able to find the metropolis." Morbius didn't know a lot about what Venom was doing when they weren't in the news—and even then, their newsworthy appearances were less in-depth interviews and more cryptid sightings—but he got the impression Eddie and the symbiote spent more time than either would like getting violently separated and scrambling to reconnect. That wasn't easy when you had to live a life restricted to dark alleyways and deep tunnels. Maybe Monster Metropolis could make it easier for them to find each other again—or at least give the symbiote a haven where it could hide and a community that could help it locate its missing home/partner. "Of course, you're welcome there too, Eddie, I don't want to slight you—but Monster Metropolis does primarily exist for the monsters."

At first, Morbius thought Eddie had flinched; then realized it was more of a ripple, his very skin itself—or something under his skin—stirring.

"What is it?"

"Was that visible? Sorry." Eddie picked up his hot chocolate again, noted it was empty, and picked up Morbius's. (Morbius had thought he should order something to look a little less strange, and Eddie had told him he wouldn't mind a second drink.) "You uh, surprised us—particularly my other. It's not used to it being the one to receive the invitation and me being its 'plus one' guest. In fact, it usually only happens when someone in a lab coat wants to prod it a while and hope that a superpower falls out." Eddie had that voice on—the one Morbius thought meant he was reporting the symbiote's thoughts rather than his own. It sounded just slightly more professional—like a journalist reporting a paraphrase of someone else's statements rather than giving his own opinion. He took a sip before giving Morbius a wan smile. "You got a Nobel for some kind of biochemistry thing, right? You wouldn't happen to be doing any kind of research that might benefit from an amorphous alien that can alter its host on a cellular level, would you?"

Morbius would be lying if he said he'd never wondered if there was a distant chance the symbiote might be able to help with his own condition—but he certainly wasn't wondering it right now. "I'm inviting you as a guest, not as a test subject." He meant that comment directed to the symbiote, not to Eddie—would that be obvious to them? Was it even appropriate for him to speak directly to the symbiote? It was much easier, psychologically speaking, to direct comments to the person visibly sitting in front of him as though asking Eddie to pass the message on; but the symbiote was sitting in front of him too. Why should he speak to Eddie instead of to it?

Eddie twitched in surprise again. For a moment, the surfaces of his eyes were covered in porcelain white and his grin was filled with sharp teeth. Message received, apparently. "Every once in a while, we meet a scientist we can trust. We think you're probably one of them."

"Thank you. I'd like to be."

Eddie's face was back to normal when he returned to his omelet. "So what's the third?"

"The what?"

"You said there were three reasons you gave us the map?"

Oh right he had said that. He shouldn't have said that.  "Yes—right," he said. "Third. I've found that I... Your company is pleasant, when we cross paths." He was careful to understate just how much he'd found himself growing fond of their infrequent meetings. He wasn't sure how welcome a full confession would be. ("Our marriage," Eddie had said. How literal was that? Morbius had already assumed Venom came as a package deal—Eddie and symbiote both—but the word "marriage" implied a certain level of unavailability, didn't it? Not that his hopes had ever been high—nor his expectations even fully conceptualized—but...) "But we only cross paths rarely—and usually only when one crisis or another has driven us outside our usual haunts. I thought it might be nice to... hang out outside of work, as it were?"

Eddie snorted. "You don't look like the kind of man who tends to 'hang out,'" he said. "You don't even look like the kind of man who says the words 'hang out.'"

"You—don't look like the kind of man who drinks hot chocolate," said Morbius, stupidly, mainly so that he had some kind of retort.

Eddie considered that, then shrugged, as if to say fair enough. "You like our company enough that you're willing to risk your monster sanctuary over it?"

"No," Morbius said sharply. "I'm willing to risk it for the first two reasons. Still, your company is... a contributing factor."

"Huh." Eddie drank down the rest of his hot chocolate. "Flattering."

Morbius grimaced. (He was glad for his mask.) He thought that could have gone over better.

"Guess we'll have to make a visit soon then. Are you going to be around in the next few days?"

That had gone over better than he thought. "I don't have a set schedule, but I try to visit the metropolis at least a couple times a week."

"Sounds like our schedule. The hard lives of busy heroes, huh?"

Morbius wouldn't have picked heroes as the first word that fit the three of them—monsters, more likely—or freaks—but there was something comforting about the fact that Venom did. Even if their history with heroism was somewhat checkered. "Afraid so."

"Well, we'll keep swinging by when we're free. Eventually we'll both be around at the same time, right?"

"Eventually." Morbius was well-known enough in Monster Metropolis that Venom would be able to just ask around to find out whether he was in town; and Venom stood out enough, even among monsters, that Morbius would be able to just as easily ask about him.

"Sounds like a plan." Eddie turned and waved his hand, catching the waitress's eye. "Hey. Separate checks, please."

"You want me to pay for the hot chocolate you drank?"

"You ordered it," Eddie said, smirking. "We're halfway to broke and we're also paying for an omelet, you can cover a hot chocolate."

Morbius gave him an affronted look. But he sighed and dug into his pocket for his wallet when the waitress dropped their checks off.

Once she was out of earshot again, Eddie asked wryly, "Regret saying you want to hang out with us yet?"

"No," Morbius said, "although you do a fine job of trying to make me regret it at least once per meeting."

Eddie smirked again—this time, the fangs were back. "I guess we'll have to keep trying."

###

Like I said I planned two scenes but uhhh, it's late. Next one in the next few days. Anyway this is a fine standalone piece, enjoy.

Crossposted to AO3, link in my description. If you enjoyed, I'd appreciate a comment or reblog.

[gallyg]

Doing the Whole 30 challenge in one post like it’s 2012 again

I like doing these in chunks and my wife is busy so this is what I will do to entertain myself.

1. Sam is so much better than Dean. Dean is a dickwad, and his character arc has never rang as true to me as Sam’s.

2. My favorite episode is hard to say, but I think it might be the season 14 finale. I don’t care what other fans say, God has always been a negligent monster in Supernatural, so I loved seeing Sam and Dean turn on him while also boldly evolving into metafiction that goes beyond comedy. Plus the Jack storyline is just heartbreaking.

3. Favorite season is probably like, 1 or 2, but atm I’m loving the Dabb era, so I’m tempted to just go ahead and say season 14 or 15. (13 was dreadful aside from Jack though)

4. Jack is the best character, SAM INCLUDED. He is the spark of heart this stale constipated shit of a show needed, and he finally forced the character dynamics to evolve somewhat for the first time in like half a decade. I love how innocent Jack is and how much trouble he has navigating the world when he’s the only creature like himself in the universe.

5. Rowena is the best female character. For a decade, it was Bela, but Rowena got the redemption arc Bela deserved. I don’t know if it’s because the fanbase has just matured past bullying every girl that gets near the Winchesters or what, but I’m glad they didn’t unceremoniously ditch Rowena like cowards.

6. All the actors do a fine enough job but Jim Beaver is clearly the one who treats it the most like a craft.

7. Are there good angels? They’ve been cannon fodder for so long, it’s hard to remember. I liked Gabriel a lot before he came back. I guess Balthazar is still a genuine treat and helps make season 6 the sloppy success that it is. I even think his death was well-earned and served the plot well, which is rare for this show. I just wish he was more of a weight on Castiel’s conscience after he’s murdered instead of being wholly forgotten until the season 13 AU.

8. Crowley ruined Supernatural for a long time. It’s hilarious that the premise of his character in season 5 was “what if a demon was genuinely helpful? why would they be?” and then they totally abandoned that idea for six years. His relationship with the Winchesters changed in a totally nonsensical way at the start of season 6, and he never really justified his place as King of Hell. It felt like he was just there to be a reason for them to fight demons for 10 years too many instead of coming up with new interesting plots.

9. Apocalypse World Michael is the only villain who I get and sympathize with. Of course he’d feel betrayed by God. Of course he’d take it out on humanity. He’s Lucifer but without the convoluted in-universe backstory that doesn’t gel with the lore you’re just supposed to assume.

10. The best Misha character is the Leviathan legion. Perfectly creates a tone of menace, sets up the conflict of the season, then explodes, which also kills Castiel and gave me a few blissful months where I thought we’d be free of the writers struggling to keep Castiel at a balanced power level without taking up too much storytelling economy (they finally got it eventually).

11. Best character intro is Castiel. Of course it is. If Supernatural ended at season 4 or 5 or even 6, we’d forever remember that intro as the moment the show fearlessly decided to become Epic.

12. Only episode of Supernatural that scared me was Hookman and just because I watched it in the dark at 3am when I was 15.

13. The best Bobby scene is, obviously, when he tearfully tells Sam that it was just the demon talking in season 5′s intro. He’s family, and he’s never cutting him out, not ever.

14. Ruby 1.0.  Katie Cassidy is a good actress who can actually make you doubt her motives and also believe she is a demon and not an actress on the set of a TV show. “You deserve hell, Dean Winchester! I wish I could be there to hear you scream!”

15. Yeah, I teared up at Swan Song.

16. Ruby is the only demon who has ever been interesting. Her appearance in the Empty kinda retconned some of her depth, but that can’t erase the great times we had, back in season 3 and 4.

17. The only ship that matters is Sam/Eileen because it’s the only couple that has genuine empathy for each other that isn’t drowning in bullshit emotional repression that got old ten years ago.

18. I love Amy Pond! This might contribute to why I don’t like Dean much, even if he was never my favorite anyway.

19. No comment.

20. Remember when Jack when to his grandma’s house looking for emotional support because he was in unprecedented distress and all he got was yelled at? Fucking christ, Jack’s whole season 14 arc fucked me up.

21. No comment. 

22. There’s some small thing I like in every season, but the whole Jeremy Carver era was dreadful and actually made me stop watching until I heard about Jack and thought he sounded like a cool character (he is)

23. 

24. I actually like the Ghostfacers webisode a lot

25. Hot take as a classic SPN fan, but season 15′s premier was astounding. You can sense the whole time as they’re dealing with the ghost apocalypse that it can’t be this easy. They’re fooling themselves if they think God will let them off with one last simple case with just one more sacrifice, because the audience wouldn’t ever be satisfied with that. We want more sacrifice, more suffering for these characters. Every issue solved before the end is promise of more nightmares. There will be peace when you are done. Not a god damn second before.

26. Nobody is as good as Jack, none of them need to come back. 

...

...

Just kidding, bring back Lisa, or Ben, preferably both, but if I must pick one, then it’s Ben. That’s Dean’s kid, even if not biologically. Dean needs to grapple with what he did, abandoning him.

27. “I used to be a psychic. I’m not anymore, at least I don’t think.” BRING BACK SAM’S POWERS HE SHOULD STILL HAVE AT LEAST SOME FROM THE DEMON BLOOD HE DRANK IN SEASON 5. 

28. “Bitch.” *eyes widen in horror as he realizes he just called a teenage girl a bitch, context be damned*

29. I do not care about Meg.

30. The best season finale is 5 or 14. It all depends on how season 15 finishes. Which finale will be sullied worse in hindsight?

[cerastes]

So, I’m at That Part in Oregairu again and

Man, okay... Hayama hates Hachiman’s methods, but he knew that this could only be solved if he did that, something only he could do, something only he would dare to do, and hated himself for an eternal 6 hours because he could to turn to no one else to Save The Status Quo(tm) he loves so much. The pangs of guilt are palpable. That’s one thing.

Then there’s Yukino. She didn’t exactly hate the way he did things due to her being severely emotionally and emphatically stunted... Until recently. Now that she can actually rationalize this, now that she has seen the consequences and results of Hachiman doing things his way with the School Festival Arc, she knows what it entails for him to do this, and she hates it. She’s still not at a place where she can put it in words, “It frustrates me that I can’t explain why, but...”, this must be the first time in years, if not ever, that she’s actually angry for someone else, for how someone else treats themselves, for how someone else is so eerily willing to commit social suicide, to play the “I Sacrifice Myself” card in order to ‘flawlessly’ solve a problem, because, you see, it’s not flawless at all. The kind of ‘selfless act’ that is often celebrated and romanticized in other pieces of similar media, becoming a scapegoat yourself to ensure the solution of something, no matter how noble and well thought out that is, is immediately admonished. Yukino, whose introduction makes her the single least empathetic person in the world, has grown enough that she grows furious over Hachiman pulling off like this again, to an even deeper, darker depth than before. It’s a dagger to the heart, self-sacrifice is often oh so romanticized and idealized in media, but... Is that really the way we would act? Would we really be proud of someone we hold dear in our lives destroying themselves? Is that something to congratulate and celebrate? This was the moment I actually started liking Yukino, because buddy, I did not like her before this moment.

But, see, that’s not the end of it. Hayama and Yukino both are Rubix Cubes of issues. What about the opinion of someone closer to the “light” of society? Someone not emotionally stunted?

Well,

This is the real haymaker. Hayama is one thing, Yukino is another similar thing, the only thing truly differentiating the two of them being the level of familiarity they have with Hachiman. But Yui? Yui is, pardon the expression, the perfect ‘Normie’. Yui is not emotionally stunted, has no dark past, isn’t haunted by events that lead her to put on a perpetual mask or to become incapable of empathy like our two previous subjects, she’s as regular as they come, in the best way possible: Funny, cheerful, with her quirks, pros and cons. A perfectly normal person that stands out because she’s not a spaghetti of issues like our other beloved subjects. It’s precisely because of that that her words ring loudest and harshest: She, who has shown to be a conformist, she, who takes comfort in the status quo, she, who sees things from the lens of an Average Jane unburdened from the crosses the others carry on their shoulders, she, she, has this to say. 

It’s not too different from what Yukino had to say. Not too different, but the nuance, the manner, the means, oh, it changes it all. No riddles, no sophisms, a straight, honest truth loosed truer than any arrow: “It’s not about whether you get the job done or not, Hachiman, it’s what it costs to get it done, because the way you do things, it’s not worth winning if victories hurt you this much. How do you think we, who like you as a person and love you as a friend, feel when we see you use yourself so nonchalantly as a sacrifice?”

And it stings. It aches like salt upon wounds. Up until now, we’re celebrating the reckless, brazen ways in which this loner is ‘effectively’ dealing with all problems thrown at him, and then, we realize: This is nothing to celebrate. This is nothing to romanticize. Just because a small, closed circle of friends understands the meaning and depth of our decision to use ourselves as sacrifices to bring forth a solution doesn’t mean they should simply chuckle and say, “Well done”. They are in their right to feel upset at this, you could say it’s maybe even their duty to feel upset, because it’s simply agonizing to bare witness to a loved one’s self-destruction, regardless of the cause.

The message, the build up, the lighting, the colors, the music, the way the voice talent deliver the scene, especially Yui’s voice actress, who acted the hell out of this scene, all of these aspects work together to bring forth what I believe to be the strongest scene in Oregairu. It’s painful, agonizingly so, but it’s necessary, and from here, we go to a series of legitimately uncomfortable and tense episodes. The use of silences, of ‘camerawork’, of everything, it just hurts so genuinely for such a good reason, because, and let me perhaps dip my knee deep into the puddle here, the word “crisis” finds its roots in the Greek word “krisis”, meaning “turning point of a disease”: It’s not necessarily negative. It can be a positive or negative turning point, one that can decide whether we heal or die. This is the krisis in Oregairu, the turning point, where growth becomes just as possible as stagnation, and you really, really hope it’s not stagnation, for the love of everything, you really hope so.

It is, without a doubt, my favorite scene in all of the franchise.

[itsjesseich]

The True Value of Joker

In the major motion picture of Joker, the main character Arthur Fleck is a struggling mentally ill man just trying to make it in 1970-80's Gotham in New York City. Arthur wears two masks -- the one he paints for his day job as a clown, and the persona he projects in a futile attempt to feel like he's part of the world around him. Isolated, bullied and disregarded by society, Fleck begins a slow descent into madness as he transforms into the criminal mastermind known as the Joker.  Joaquin Phoenix is the main actor in the film and has since gained tremendous recognition for his performance in the Joker also earning him an Oscar. The movie incorporates controversial mental illness, societal problems, development of character, and issues that face people, who are different than you in everyday life. Overall Joker is a film that opens the world's eyes to a new topic that has not necessarily been shown before and illustrates how many different factors may play a role in one’s thoughts and actions. The use of performance, cinematography, and ideas away from the norm develop the true value of Joker.

The opening scene gives you an unsettling tone that only grows throughout the film. Arthur is depicted in front of a mirror partially crying as he finishes painting on his clown makeup while smoking a burning cigarette as the silence of the room is broken by the news playing in the background. Many others are present in the room, but Arthur sits alone at his vanity trying to “keep a happy face” as his mother had always told him. As a blue tear drop of paint flows down his cheek, he hooks both sides of his mouth and forces himself to smile. That continuous uneasy feeling of the movie keeps us hooked “even though Joker and Gotham city is fictional, the theories employed to interpret reality in this setting can be taken as a mirror of the world”.(Sreelakshmi, 2020). The director Todd Phillips aligned the Joker with the stereotype of the mentally ill, socially isolated loner whose disenfranchisement leads him to commit violence.  

A good performance from the actor is crucial, as the most we see from them is their characters interactions and reactions. If those aspects are not believable or don’t feel real enough to the audience then the message is not going to be delivered successfully. ‘Successful’ films need to have impactful deliveries because they all convey the same medium. For your movie to stand out you need to have someone outshine the competition. Many actors are very accredited and well known, so how can you continue to stand out? You must switch up the take and shy away from what’s trending. That is why Joker is so controversial. The message within this movie and how Phoenix delivered it alone adds tremendous value to the film. It is such a different story then what everyone was expecting.  He spent a considerable amount of time doing research himself to better understand and convey his role. By reading the script through a mental trauma lens allowed Phoenix to provide empathy that eventually helped him better understand the life of Arthur Fleck. Joaquin’s drive for understanding every aspect of his performance gives directors options not many films can capture like this which increases the film’s specialty.  

Cinematography is simply the making of motion pictures and Joker’s cinematographer, Lawrence Sher, used complimentary colors, camera movement, and different camera lenses and angles to contribute to a successful film. Color can be very simple to use, but also can be as complicated as you want it to be. The color in films is used to create contrast, depth, separation, and mood. This was achieved with the use of complimentary colors. You can see the juxtaposition with Joker’s green hair and contrasting red suit. Camera movement and camera angles were used to make connections and draw attention to the audience.

The big topic that is surrounding Joker would have to be the director's controversial take on Fleck’s backstory and portrayal of mental illness. Mental illness is not normally the starring spotlight on a big film or show. The film gives a voice to the suppressed and oppressed which is not normal. Many films focus on the hero and how to fix everything but this movie’s focus on the events that lead to spiraling chaos. John Goodwin and Izzat Tajjudin (2020) argue that Joker depicts stigmatizing representations of people with mental ill-health. However, opening our eyes to this type of interaction from a closed space makes you look at the situation differently, which allows you to take a step back and self-reflect on the way you view and treat others. Even though there are negatives about the topic we can turn it into a positive. Pertaining to Fleck’s backstory many people just expected the movie to be way different than what it was. People's general curiosity draws them into the story. The general reaction to the movie was different, unexpected, and darker. The idea of not being what you would expect is what makes it so intriguing.

“You have to make movies aware of your audience but not for your audience” (Sher, 2020).  

I would recommend this movie to anyone that is looking for something different and not so typical of a villain - superhero movie. Although reactions surrounding the film are controversial, keep in mind that everyone is different and holds different opinions and values. It is worth the watch to evaluate your own opinion. I find the movie to be insightful, powerful, captivating, and knowledgeable. After watching the film, it took me a day or two to truly digest and reflect. The film wasn’t meant to have a specific message, but it is meant for you to feel how you wish and think.  

Overall surrounding Joker is a lot of controversy and praise. Aspects of cinematography, Joaquin Phoenix’s performance, and visual representations of mental health unprecedentedly make this film very successful. Expect the unexpected and get comfortable with the uncomfortable. How does the movie make you feel?

References:

American Cinematographer. (2019, December 19). The making of Joker with cinematographer Lawernce Sher, ASC. [Video]. Youtube

Goodwin, J.,& Tajjudin, I (2016). “What do you think I am? Crazy?”: the Joker and stigmatizing representations of mental ill-health. Journal of Popular Culture. 49(2) 385-402.

Sreelakshmi, M.(2020). Reclamation of history: a tryst with subaltern studies, marxist criticism and chaos theory in the movie Joker. Our Heritage. 68(1). 9083-9091.

[rickktish]

Recompense

Endeavor really does topple from his high high tower, and the fall of it is great and magnificent and immeasurably painful for everyone involved.

All of his children find their lives completely disrupted with all the media attention and rabid reporting that comes from a giant’s fall from grace.

Natsuo is the best off for a while because no one has any idea he’s endeavor’s son, until some reporter follows a paper trail that isn’t even supposed to exist anymore and winds up on the doorstep of his place of work asking for Todoroki Natsuo, Endeavor’s most neglected son. All of his coworkers know him as Yukizome Natsuo because he changed his name as soon as he moved out to his mother’s maiden name. Unfortunately, he’s the only Natsuo there and now everyone knows, which drags him into the mess as well.

Endeavor tries to avoid legal action by saying that he was trying to do better, he was working on being better, but he does not escape the justice system. As well as jail time, he has court-mandated therapy which he has to attend even when he’s no longer incarcerated. In therapy, he’s forced to realize that his children and wife are people and that he hurt them.

He made an impulsive decision when he was a teenager— the decision to do whatever it took to overtake All Might— which doesn’t seem impulsive because of the long-reaching effects it’s had on his life and others, but it was impulsive. It wasn’t thought through, it was instantaneous. He had an idea, he made a plan, and he stuck with it for over twenty years.

It takes a full two years of mandatory weekly therapy to have a breakthrough— an Aha! moment when he finally gets it. He finally gets that his wife has thoughts and feelings, that his children are more than products they are people, that he has caused each and every member of his family incredible pain and suffering. It shakes him down to his very core, this sudden empathy (except it hasn’t been sudden at all, this is what his therapist has been trying to get him to realize all along and they’ve been working toward this point for so long his therapist had nearly given up hope) that destroys every excuse, every reason, every point he’s ever made in favor of his treatment of them. They are real, and they are afraid, and they hate him because he has hurt them.

It takes him three full weeks to leave the house after he gets home from that particular session. His therapist has to hunt him down, come to his house, slap him back into the real world, and tell him that if he really feels so bad about it he ought to try to do something as recompense.

It takes another year and a half after that of working through issues to convince him to try and apologize.

It takes another six months for him to actually start writing letters of apology.

His therapist says that physical letters will mean more; say more; show more, and he takes their advice.

It takes another year to actually send any of the letters. He sends the first one to Rei.

His hero license was revoked, but being the Number Two Hero for so long built him up enough savings to last the rest of his life, even after paying reparations. He can’t get work, so it’s a good thing he doesn’t need to. Oh, how the mighty do fall; the higher they stand, the deeper they plunge. He takes up gardening simply to have something to do. It doesn’t go well at first, but as he learns more and grows more and tries harder and harder to heal, his garden slowly gets better and better, beginning to flourish as he becomes gentler and more mellow with the plants.

It takes three months before she’s actually able to bring herself to open the letter.

It takes another four before she feels she’s able to reply.

The letter arrives in his mailbox like the sunrise, and he holds it in trembling hands for two hours before he’s actually able to open it.

It says a lot of things, some painful, some kind, some horrifying, and all true.

It ends thus:

“In spite of it all, I find that I can’t help but find it in myself to forgive you.”

He calls his therapist right then and there to share the good news.

His therapist reminds him that this is only a beginning; it doesn’t mean things are going to be good right away, this is only the opening of a dialogue, not the conclusion of the journey.

Chastised, he writes another letter.

They begin a regular correspondence, hesitant, halting at first, but eventually blooming into real communication. They stick with physical letters, the delay giving each of them time to live, to experience the world around them in between.

A month after Rei replies to his first letter, he begins sending the others.

First to Fuyumi, who was always quickest to forgive. It was not out of love for him, he now knows, but out of longing for something to call normal, something to be happy for.

She replies eagerly, and they also take up a correspondence, though it’s still nearly a year before she allows him any further part in her life.

Second to Touya, who has been in prison for several years at this point. He does not expect or imagine that he will receive anything in response, though he’s not particularly surprised when what he does get back is a single image of a rude hand gesture, drawn hastily and without much skill. He will continue to send letters every year to Touya on the anniversary of the day he ran away from home, on Touya’s birthday, and on the anniversary of Endeavor’s own arrest for decades to come, receiving slowly improving drawings of the same rude hand gesture all along the way.

He lines the pictures up along the seam between wall and ceiling in his living room, watching the style and skill change and progress. By the time anything changes in their correspondence, years and years and years down the line, he has lined nearly every room in the entire house with the drawings. The last several are true art, with magnificent detail and shading and realism that would shock any visitor if anyone actually bothered to visit him.

Third he sends a letter to Natsuo. Natsuo, whose name he barely remembered for most of his son’s childhood. Natsuo, whose birthday he had to look up on his birth certificate because he had no idea when it was. Natsuo, who Fuyumi raised on her own after Rei was put away and Touya ran off. Natsuo, who raised himself because no one in his household would even look at him much of the time, either out of lack of interest, being needed for other things, or because it was forbidden. Natsuo, who no one even knew existed until that reporter followed that paper trail that shouldn’t have existed, because everyone knew one of Endeavor’s sons disappeared, everyone knew Endeavor’s daughter when she was a teaching college, everyone knew Endeavor’s youngest was a prodigy who nearly won the sports festival in his first year, but no one knew about invisible Natsuo.

He gets no reply from Natsuo for over two years. It is not a surprise.

The sting he feels at the rejection is not a good one (though perhaps it is, in a way: this is what he deserves, after all. This is justice. This is right. To be ignored by the child he ignored for so longis— fitting in a deep, nearly unspeakable way) but it is an important one. It teaches him things he cannot express in mere words.

Fourth of his children to receive a letter of apology from him is the one he thinks he truly hurt the most. Isolated, imprisoned, tortured, sometimes starved; what few things he did not do to this child were the line that would have meant his permanent incarceration, and had he crossed it he would have felt himself worthy of death.

(he thought he was anyway, for that first three weeks of waking, of awareness, of soul-deep pain inexpressible in its magnitude. His therapist told him that no, he did not deserve death. Death is not a thing one deserves, merely a thing one must experience as part of being mortal. Nor is death itself an atonement: it cannot make up for horrible acts, any more than financial compensation can make up for destroyed homes in a villain attack. Perhaps there is an atonement to be made after death, but it can bring no comfort to those left behind in the realm of the living. No, his death cannot make amends. Only he can do that, and to die then would have been to leave a permanent wound on all those he has injured which would never be able to be healed.)

His letter to Shouto is his longest and, while they are all equally heartfelt, certainly the one he made and revised and burned the most drafts over. His son is a pro hero, exactly as he wished him to be, but he makes no mention of that. His son is gay, which is one of the many things that led to the final fight with Touya so many years ago, but he makes no mention of that either, outside of an ambiguously stated “I hope that you have found comfort in those who love you and those who you love, and that together you are happy.” The entire letter walks a fine line between graphic acknowledgment of the horrors he forced this child to experience and tactful reference to difficult subjects with no outright statement of them. He asked his therapist to review it a dozen times before sending, and even then he’s uncertain about it. He wants to validate his son’s experience, express to him that he knows and understands exactly what he did that was wrong and why, but doesn’t want to dredge up painful memories in doing so. It seems impossible to do both.

The first three weeks after he sends Shouto’s letter are almost a perfect reflection of the weeks after his moment of realization. He doesn’t leave his house; he hardly eats or sleeps; his garden begins to wither with neglect as everything tumbles down and he spends all of his time gazing at a single wall with eyes leaking freely, tearing at his hair and moaning as he feels the depth and breadth of his sins crushing him from all sides. For the second time since he began this process, his therapist physically goes to his home and slaps him back into awareness, forces him to shower, feeds him, and makes him sleep until he’s nearly human again.

They talk about it. His guilt, his grief, his fear that nothing he does will ever make up for what he has done. His therapist reminds him that what he’s already done is already done, and he’s not trying to balance the scales in doing this, not trying to even out all the bad things with too few good ones far too late; that’s not how people work and that’s not how making amends works. He’s trying to heal wounds and scar tissue. He’s trying to make that which hurt both him and his family become something that doesn’t hurt as much anymore, and the best case scenario, the absolute dream, is that he can go even beyond that and make something good in the end. His therapist reminds him that while recompense means to compensate, to weigh one thing against another and try to come out equal, its purpose is much deeper and much more than that. His recompense is no mere equivocation, but instead a pursuit of what can be. His family has already seen the worst of him. It is only fitting that he try now to give them the best.

It takes some more talking and contemplation and working in his garden some more, but he gets there again and is able to go back to his regular routine, the uncertainty of whether or not Shouto will reply and what effect his letter might have had on him moving from oppressing fear and looming horror into quiet nervousness almost too faint to notice once again.

Time moves on. He keeps going to therapy. He keeps writing letters to Touya. He keeps up his correspondence with Rei and Fuyumi.

Someday, he meets Fuyumi for lunch. It’s awkward at first, because they have never truly talked in person, but that’s okay. There’s a point where they both break down laughing at how shy they’re being, and then the atmosphere and the conversation warm to a pleasant, comfortable thing, and they part well. And they heal.

Someday, Natsuo replies to his letter. It takes a long time, but eventually, they too meet and Enji has the chance to apologize properly, face to face. He cries. Natsuo is silent for a time, and then expresses the pain and rage and hurt he’s been feeling for so long, and it’s freeing, and he cries too. And then they’re two big, stocky men sitting somewhere crying. And eventually, Natsuo stands to leave, but before he does Enji says one last time, “I’m sorry. I do love you,” and Natsuo walks out with a fresh wave of new tears.

Eventually, they meet again, and it’s as awkward and uncomfortable as it was with Fuyumi, but it’s okay. And they part well. And they heal.

Someday, Rei leaves the hospital. She doesn’t want to live with him again and that’s okay. She gets her own place, farther than a pleasant walk from his but close enough that they can visit. He doesn’t go to her home, she comes to his. They talk. They’re amiable. There’s a kind of love between them that should never truly be called love, but is instead a kind of contentment; a peace to be found in each other that can’t quite be expressed in words or thoughts or pictures but simply is. And they heal.

Someday, he visits Touya in prison and he says all the things he’s been writing in each letter, everything he’s been finding new ways to say and to think and expressing them anew every single time, and this time it’s in person. And Enji cries, just a little bit, gently. And Touya doesn’t look at him. But it’s okay, because he’s said it, and he’ll continue to say it until the day he dies.

Someday, Natsuo introduces Enji to his husband. Fuyumi introduces him to her spouse. Rei watches their kids, because they’re not sure they’re quite comfortable with that yet, but they meet for lunch and get to know each other a little bit. And much is said, and much goes unsaid, and it’s a little awkward but it’s peaceful and they again part well.

Someday, Enji is allowed to meet his grandchildren. He’s very gentle with them, moving slowly and never once igniting a flame on his face or shoulders around them. He holds their small hands in his big ones and smiles gently and listens as they tell him about themselves and their lives and their days. He watches and carefully imitates Natsuo’s younger son’s hands as he shows him some basic signs for when they don’t have their hearing aids in.

Someday, Fuyumi gives birth again and this time, for the first time, he’s allowed to be there, waiting in the waiting room for when she’s ready for visitors. He holds his granddaughter and thinks this, this is what he was missing out on for so many years, and he cries, and he’s so unspeakably grateful that they’ve allowed him to be a part of this moment, of their lives.

Someday, Shouto sends him a text. There’s no letter, no long description or explanation or list of reasons he hates him or anything; it’s only a simple text that invites him to dinner. He goes, and they meet, and he meets his son’s friends, and his fiance, and the family Shouto has built for himself from the ground up because his own family was never a family at all, but now it can be. And at the end of the night, Shouto invites him outside to talk. And Shouto explains to him how he felt when he got his letter, and what he thought, and all the many thoughts that have run through his mind over the years. He tells how relieved he was when Endeavor survived that Noumu. He tells how conflicted he felt over that relief. He tells how hurt he was by the way he was raised and all the things he’s had to learn and unlearn and relearn and experience because of Enji’s actions.

He tells how recently someone who hurt a lot of people in their class decided to change herself, to reinvent herself and make amends, and how that has made him realize that it’s okay to let people change, to believe that they can change, and to let them back into your life when they’ve changed. And then he tells Enji that he doesn’t want to be stuck in the past anymore. He doesn’t want to be trapped by what was, caught in a never-ending cycle of hurt and confusion and pain and fear and what will cross the line, what will set the whole thing ablaze? And he tells Enji he would really like to get to know this new person who was once his father, who might have some small chance of someday becoming his dad. And he invites Enji to his wedding. And Enji says he’ll be there.

Someday, Enji attends his youngest son’s wedding. Rei is there. Fuyumi and her spouse and her children are there, the youngest still red and almost smaller than Endeavor’s hand. Natsuo and his husband are there with their two little boys, whose hearing aids appear to have been given white casings for the special occasion, or perhaps sloppily spray painted by small, inexperienced hands, if the quirk of Natsuo’s mouth and slightly exasperated lilt to his shoulders is anything to go by. And all that Enji can think is that of all the things he ever imagined for his life, this was certainly never one of them, but taken all together, he’s so, so happy that this is how it’s turned out. It will still be a work in progress moving forward. It will always be a work in progress, if his therapist is to be believed. But that’s okay, because within this work in progress, in this recompense there is healing, and there is joy, and there is this, and this—

This is peace.

[asktheboywholived]

I feel that you are very naive when it comes to LGBTQIA issues and that's incredibly disheartening. My old, jaded queer soul has fought hard for a very long time and it's so. damn. sad to me when people within the community play 'devils advocate' because they still want to condone the opposing side. It goes against your own damn people.

(( OOC: I can understand how you might see it that way, but I need to point out what you said.

“-your own damn people.” 

This is where I must strongly disagree with you, and I’ll explain why.

The more you divide, the more you box people into categories, the more you segregate, the more you close yourself off to the world… the more you’ll hinder your own progress and damage your movement. 

Change requires unity. It requires the support of the majority, or it won’t happen. You cannot fight against a tidal wave coming at you. You need help from the opposing side… and you will never get them to listen or agree with you if all you do is shut them down, ignore their reasonings, and villainize and degrade them for not seeing the world the way you do. 

This does not help the situation. No one responds well to anger unless they already agree with you… but you need the people who don’t agree with you to come to a place of understanding if you want to see change happen.

We need to create an atmosphere of discussion, not contention. 

We need to be willing to ask and see WHY people feel the way they feel, so we can understand, and address it. We need to realize that people can still be good people, and that sometimes they just need to be informed. We need to be patient, because opinions are not changed overnight, and they certainly won’t change if all we do is tell them that they are bad, when that’s what they’ve grown up knowing, and that’s the world they have been presented.

I have seen more change happen, in my own personal life, from having calm, considerate and in depth conversations with the people around me, then I’ve seen from any aggressive attack. 

I have a very religious family. They don’t approve of my lifestyle… but they are very good people, and are very kind to me. They love me, but the way they were raised has left them ignorant on certain topics, and they’ve had a lifetime of reinforcement that’s lead to them feeling this way. That isn’t something that’s easily overcome. 

I once approached my cousin on the topic online, after she posted an article that made me incredibly upset concerning trans issues. When I responded, it didn’t go over well. I was aggressive in my approach, and it spiraled very quickly. 

I saw her in person at our next family get-together. I sat down with her, and we had a long, LONG conversation about the issue. I listened to her side, and how she felt about the topic, and because she expressed that with me I was able to understand where she was coming from, and see how she had come to that conclusion. I countered some of her points, providing her with my personal insights on the topic (all while keeping my wording very clear and compassionate)… and by the end of the conversation, she was agreeing with most of what I said.  

THAT is how you start to create change. But one conversation isn’t enough. 

I grew up very religious… I was anti-LGBT+ rights, because of my surroundings, what I had been taught by my environment, etc. I didn’t even realize I was bi until I left organized religion because I was so repressed… 

I would still be in that situation if my father, who left the church, had not expressed his beliefs with me. I would never have changed if he had not been respectful, and understanding, and loving while discussing those topics with me. He didn’t degrade me, he didn’t belittle me, he listened, and he responded, and he was empathetic. 

It took me THREE YEARS to deprogram from everything I had been taught about LGBT+ (and life in general)… and even then it took me years more until I could become completely comfortable in my own skin. But it happened… and I have healthy communication to thank for that. 

When both parties feel at ease, or at least feel that they are being respected and that their opinions are being taken into consideration, they will be far more likely to grow and expand in their viewpoints and become openminded. The second you approach it in a degrading, hateful, or elitist way, they will shut down, and no progress will be made. 

That is an entirely different fight, and it won’t be won through hate and aggression, or shutting yourself off to hearing different opinions or view points.

It won’t be won from making “camps” or “groups” or, as you put it, “your own people”… they can be there to support, you can create amazing bonds from going through similar experiences… but don’t limit yourself to only associating with one group of people. This often leads to pack mentality, which can prevent people from really thinking for themselves and analyzing situations thoroughly. More often than not, it leads to people simply agreeing with the group because that is where they feel safe… and we’ve seen the terrible results of that in everything from politics to religion to goddam high school cliques. 

It’s not a healthy mentality.   

We have to start creating an environment of open discussion, where people feel they can express themselves without being torn to shreds… or we’ll fester in our ignorance out of spite or fear. If you tear others down, they will fight against you with everything they have. 

So yes… look at both sides of the argument, see the validity that is usually there on both sides, see the reasoning, and stop thinking that your world view is the only right world view, because in some instances, you might be wrong and have something to learn from the other person.

Keep conversations open, keep yourself open, and put empathy first. ))