#why does my brain have so many ideas
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KHRxTwisted Wonderland Idea
Why will my brain not stop with the ideas?! Why?!
*Sigh* Ok, so I need to get this down on something so I can go back to ignoring it because I have one too many irons in the fire already. I do not need another. So here, have an idea that is free to anyone. I’m not going to be writing more of it most likely.
The MC in this idea is Tsuna’s daughter, his 3rd or 4th child. She knows she likely not going to inherit, not with her siblings in front of her and her father being very, very protective of them all. That’s fine with her. More time to explore her own interests.
Now, this MC, who I’m going to call Miku, gets yeeted into Twisted Wonderland as per canon. But, the Dark Mirror doesn’t say she’s magic-less.
Miku: I’m Miku.
Dark Mirror: The nature of your soul is....unclear to me.
Crowley: What did you say?
DM: The magical power in this one...it both is and is not of color or shape that matches any of the dorms for it fits all in some ways. Therefor, no dorm would be appropriate.
There is an uproar over this announcement. Someone who cold fit ALL the dorms?
To explain, because a Sky (that is the Flame Type I’m giving Miku) is harmony, her soul would automatically fall into harmony with those around her. Thus the mirror cannot pick one dorm to suit as they would technically suit all of them. This means Miku still gets shunted to Ramshackle but Crowley, and the campus as a whole, is a lot more interested in just what this young woman (and wasn’t that a kicker. The first female student in over a century) can do.
And then the reveal that she uses Soul Fire (TWST term for Dying Will Flames). And they are at a usable level for combat! Most other Soul Fire mages can barely make their Soul Flame visible, let alone fight with them. Just...what is this woman?
Further, I can see Miku developing a trick for Dying Will Mode that gives her fiery wings to fly on. She looks like a firebird! (Just to tie Ramshackle further into Fantasia as its inspiration)
Just think of the shenengans that can come up. Like her critique of how the Monstro Lounge in run and how the tweels are not subtle at all. Jamil reacting to her because she gives off assassin vibes from having been around the Varia when she was younger. Idia being fascinated with how Blot reacts to Soul Fire (I headcanon Soul Fire destroys it fast because Flames are about surviving but it could go the other way). Ace and Deuce and Jack...actually, ALL the freshman squad, even Sebek(boy is a Lightning, obviously), bonding to her as Elements and the angst that gives Sebek. Malleus being fascinated with her “firebird” wings and abilities Lilia has only heard of in stories.
Someone, please take this child. Please.
#khr#twst#au#why does my brain have so many ideas#someone please take this#i don't have time to write it#but i so want to read something like it
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guhh i’m experiencing readers block ☹️
i just wanna read fanfics but i don’t have the energy
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#i’ve quite literally made it a tradition for myself to make goodnight posts#how many of these have i made 🤨#A Pearl by mitski is literally erik#‘there’s a hole that you fill but it’s just that i fell in love with a war’#DAMN#why am i trying so had to come up with new ideas for posts 🤨#girl let it come from ur heart 😔#there’s a wall in my brain what is this#magneto and professor x kissing in 4k where?#sighh#cherik#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#x men#professor x#magneto#wish does not shut up
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Misread a post about Black Adam emotionally adopting Billy Batson at first glance, thought it said Addams Family for some reason, and fucking hell I need that crossover now
#ansnangsbagaghghhhhhh#why does my brain give me fic ideas that are so tasty#I have too many ideas!! I can’t write all of these!! please brain one at a time#rewritten speaks#fandom thoughts#fic ideas#dc thoughts#billy batson#captain marvel dc#dc comics#addams family
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I need energy I have silly little ideas that I want to do what F/O nonsense thing can I find or indulge in that will give me a big surge of dopamine that I get a rush of energy from all the excitement and giddiness
#hmmmm... just to find something that will give me the right hit..#I have writing ideas that I wanna do and technically another thing that I am partially considering...#im gonna go on my walk perhaps that will hopefully jog up some stuff.#Normally my brain does a lot more thinkingwhen prancing around. I think that's why so many of my ideas came from when-#-I was walking to and from the bus stop. And also a lot from daydreaming of course JNFJSNFNS.#any💘#self ship#selfship#selfshipping#self shipping
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Why are you tagging posts with dates from last year? Did you queue them last year?
… I did.
#Posting gives me apprehension. It's the anxiety of being perceived…#That's why even in the rare occasions I'm making a post to be posted immediately I usually still schedule it to like. Ten or fifteen or–#thirty minutes later#Just so that I don’t have to hit post lol#But yeah I usually simply draft posts and once in a while go dig down for posts from one year ago or so.#Ask me how long does it take me to dive through my ~17 800 drafts of posts (a lot) (90% of them are reblogs of course)#There’s also the fact that I want to reread the posts I’ve made some time after I’ve made them–#so that my brain is rewinded enough to notice any typos#(sometimes I end up rewriting the posts from scratch though so it doesn’t always work.#Other times I’ve reread the posts so many times I’ve memorized the sentences in them and will not notice typos because of that.)#Also sometimes I’m like “something something Akutagawa's bandaids”#or “something something compilation of Akutagawa looking at Atsushi in official art”#which is something I don’t have time to do on the moment and will leave for later#(and occasionally it happens I will never get to it at all. You have no idea how many posts in my queue are just like#“analysis on []” “compilation of []” “[edit concept]” dating as far back as three years ago#which I *should* get to elaborate eventually but eh… Not right now I suppose#On that there' literally a valley of at least 200 discarded posts in my queue “I will get to eventually”#And that's on top of the my original posts that don't make it past the drafts.#Mostly random and spontaneous thoughts that lose value after a day#I'm my own filter lol#people asks me stuff#It's also important to keep track of the date because there's takes I've completely moved on from–#but that I still find it relevant to be posted
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𝕁𝕦𝕕𝕖'𝕤 ℝ𝕠𝕠𝕞 | 𝟟:𝟛𝟘 ℙ𝕄 ⋆⁺𖤓₊⋆
Narration: Jude fumbles around a riff, frustration growing as he mumbles the lyrics. Jude, singing quietly: I can’t move on, baby doll, waitin’ on calls, flippin’ through stations… His lighter clicks, and clicks, and clicks. He leans against the windowsill, staring down at the bustling cityscape. As he smokes, his mind whirs over the sights and sounds below. He searches for a cure to this unending drought of creativity. Retreating to his drum kit, he sits. And he listens. And he waits. What are you waiting for? Or, better yet, who? You can’t write another song about your broken heart— Jude, interrupting the narration: Watch me.
#sims 4#ts4#the sims 4#s4#sims#simblr#sim: jude#story tag#wowowowow#those fucking window pics killed me to take#the s4 cam goes so wild#anyway .. enjoy Jude in his tighty whities as he tries to locate his inner muse#also! first actual story post in YEARS??#I have many ideas for him im buzzing#he also does not sound like Dominic Fike LOL idk what kind of voice he has just yet#hes veryyy shy about his singing tho. shy about everything in general#which is why bear is the lead vocalist of their band kdjnas#anyway he doesn't have a muse atm but I DO and its him <3#also I love the blue colouring of the first 3 and the green yellow of the next 3.. tickles my brain#if there's any spelling mistakes sorryyy
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Dysprosium, Mary Soon Lee
dysprosium, AN 66, is a silvery-white rare earth metal. its name is derived from the greek dysprositos, meaning “hard to get at”, owing to the difficulty in separating and isolating this rare earth element. dysprosium is used to measure neutron flux, to fuel reactors, and to activate phosphors. terfenol-d is a magnetorestrictive alloy, meaning that it changes shape when a magnetic field is applied, and is used to manufacture underwater acoustic systems.
jason “robo” robertson, dallas stars #21 for @simmyfrobby’s nhl periodic table poems <3
#i had a couple different ideas for poems that were taken by the time i could go deranged for a couple hours to make this but as I looked#i was like WAIT NONE OF YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE JASON ROBERTSON YOU HAVEN’T SEEN MY TEXAS CAM and had to do it. also was STRUCK with the#sudden immaculate vision of the Dallas D as part of terfenol-D and could not get it out & robo is the most dance! person i know on the team#liv in the replies#dallas stars#jason robertson#nhl periodic table poems#guys i am plagued with visions and no execution skills!! every day i come here and learn one new skill on GIMP the way god intended!!!#today it was emboss. also cannot claim any credit for the pulse to the magnetic beat photo which is so cool that was one where i had a#couple and was like maybe i can do like crayon shockwaves like the art process video kasper showed? and then found that picture and was#like thank you lord stanley for knowing my limitations. thank you for your understanding in this moment it was a trial enough to make#expand contract dance and one would THINK i would have fucking learned from the claude animorphs tragedy!! i did not. but i did use the#shear tool and 3D rotate so at least if we’re animorphing it’s SLIGHTLY better. anyway me frantically doing this like WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT#WAIT FOR ME YOU GUYS ARE SO FAST i keep seeing all of these and just spinning around in circles until i get dizzy & fall down I’m so happy#the drive folder for this is just called joy!!!!! because joy this is such a cool idea but now because it brings me so much joy#i just saw the Travis dermott one and burst into tears super normal AND someone did exactly what i wanted with hydrogen which was the water#the ice!!!!! it’s so perfect!!! and cody ofc did silver lord stanley. like does it ever make you cry how beautiful & creative everyone is?#anyway if you see me post and delete this and then update it or change it no you didn’t it’s fine. but i wanted to be included#if i could make the dysprosium letters not have a white background i would I simply could not fuck with it at 1AM. we are hitting send#it may not look like it but i queue#pretend i spoke at length about the reasons why i picked all the pictures & the element just know that it’s there inside my brain u can ask#GUYS I TAKE IT ALL BACK I SAW NEONFRETRA’S ISOTOPES AND I COULD MAKE THE EDITS EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE THERE!! ISOTOPES!!!! YOU GUYS!!!!!!#get ready for the edits then. dylan magnesium my beloved child of stars who can never return… like i wish i could say anyone else but it’s#i KNOW number nineteens bismuth don’t make me Google how many years nolan played hockey but also there’s ej for stable so.. also half-life#actinium claude giroux my beloved… when i saw there already was a claude i thought maybe Brady too for that#I don’t know how but flerovium doubled magic is percolating in my brain as was promethium bad boy because I was like hmmm. tyler. but#couldn’t commit and THEN SOMEONE DID BAD BAD LEROY BROWN TYLER BERTUZZI TO PROMETHIUM AND BESTIE I AM KISSING YOU ON THE MOUTH!!! with cons#anyway shane wright germanium with juraj slafkovský but showing him very obviously not missing it. if jack eichel was not an asshole#the narratives WOULD be narrativing. you could argue for a sidovi here with the calder cup and potentially a best friend stealing narrative#(the most recent is cam yorke’s acquisition of jamie d from trevor zegras which would then require a yorkie one for silicon the other side)
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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.
you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.
and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts
#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with#is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain#i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself#that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once#but never never never liked enough#i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting#i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out#i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again#but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough#for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find#maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months#anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you#god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie#but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down#blah#personal#not st
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the desire to work on bus fic
vs
the desire to work on one of my many wips now that i did the game and am thinking about them again
#i have so many half baked ideas#so many ideas i want to work on#fanfic struggles#like why does my brain do this to me#pick one story and focus you useless organ#the last of us fanfiction#tlou fanfiction#on the road again (there i go)#joel and ellie#the last of us
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Alright folks, I have a question for you. A dumb question, yes, but a question nonetheless.
In an alternate universe scenario - where such a situation arises, and no one ends up dying or seriously (physically) wounded - with the S4 Hawkins Party and Chrissy all bearing witness...
(Context below)
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This is part of one of the oldest Stranger Things AU ideas I have.
Vecna, in a desperate attempt to distract/manipulate the town, decides to bring back every single person in Hawkins he's ever killed. Didn't matter the way, if the Upside Down killed them, they were back.
But they aren't exactly themselves. Their memories are locked away in their brains by those Upside Down slugs, all of them trapped in the same day as the dimension itself; November 6, 1983 (unless killed before this date). Alongside that, their bodies aren't theirs, and are instead exact replicas made purely of Upside Down goo. Vecna plans to gain the town's trust using them, and when the time comes, activate the slugs to turn the revived into his personal soldiers (think the season 3 Billy plot but without the flesh Mind Flayer)
Eddie wakes up in the forest, exactly how he is supposed to be. But when he discoveres Chrissy beside him, he panics, and tries to remember what happened. He's unable to, but he knows something is keeping the truth locked away. So, extremely painfully, he finds a way to extract the slug from his brain, freeing himself and his memories from Vecna's control.
But soon, Chrissy wakes up. One who's mind is stuck in 1983 and has no idea who Eddie is. Still, since they're all each other has, she decides to believe and trust him, eventually befriending Eddie all over again.
They spend their days walking through the woods, terrified to return to town. They need no food, and scrapes from the woods never go further than skin deep, yet they remain unaware of their undead status. Eddie spends the whole time theorizing, trying to figure out what purpose this could serve, and how to get back to the group without inciting mass panic.
That is until the group finds them. Everyone he fought alongside, traveling through the woods with Wayne Munson in tow. They're taking him to a hidden grave for Eddie, one far from the vandals in town, to give him a place to grieve in peace. They still can't tell him the truth of what happened, but hope that this makes up for the lies they keep spinning.
But Wayne's gone mad with his grief. He's brought a gun with him and points it at the group, demanding answers for what happened to his boy. Eddie watches in fear, urged away from intervening by Chrissy's own terror.
Just before things get too bad, Steve steps up. Takes the blame, says that it was his word that put Eddie in danger, and inevitably got him killed. The group tries to deny it, but Steve persists. Wayne needs someone to blame, so blame him.
And at first Wayne looks satisfied. He has an answer, finally, one that might actually be sincere considering Harrington's sobs as he confesses.
But his grief and pain and confusion and anger simply aren't. So he raises the gun, pointed right at Steve-
-and that's where Eddie intervenes. Shoving Steve out of the way, barely getting out a desperate "WAYNE, DON'T!!" ...before the gun goes off.
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After that, the story could go two ways.
The original outline - El goes with the group to Eddie's grave (for reasons I'm not sure of honestly). She watches the whole skirmish with Wayne, not wanting to expose him to her powers until she has to. When Wayne goes to shoot, she redirects his arm, just in time to catch Eddie in the leg.
In this one, Eddie's vocal. A screech of fear before he crumbles to one knee, hunched over and clutching at his leg, groaning in pain. Everyone can see him, hear him, and though they can't believe it, they know for sure it's Eddie. They saw him fall but they don't know how bad it is, and they're too shocked to come any closer.
The changed idea - El isn't there. Everything proceeds as before, with Wayne actually aiming for Steve's shoulder. Just a flesh wound, something to satisfy the squirming in his limbs. But due to Eddie's shove, his position is a little further to the left than Steve's, catching him straight in the heart.
In this one, Eddie drops, hard, with barely a sound. Everyone sees his side recoil with the impact, so they know exactly where he was hit. He lands on his front, the wind effectively knocked out of him, so he's gasping for air the whole way. Everyone sees his clothes, heard his voice, but they're almost hoping it's someone else, please don't let it be Eddie, please.
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No matter where Eddie gets shot, the story progresses the same.
Chrissy freaks out, running to Eddie and trying to help him, begging him to stay alive. Eventually he regains his bearings, slowly sitting up, hissing between gasping breaths with a hand clenched firmly over the wound. He slowly peels back his hand, terrified of what he'll see.
But beneath the hole in his clothes is... nothing. No blood, no bullet, no cuts. Just a steadily growing dark bruise, and the pain not progressing past an appropriate ache and some mild burning.
As he tries to process this, Eddie's eyes unfocus, and catch a slight glint of metal in the grass. With shaking hands, he grabs it. When he sees it, he hastily tries to stand, Chrissy rushing to help him. As they do, they turn just enough for everyone - from Wayne's trembling unmoving stance, to the group's collective huddle of fear, to Steve's laid out position on the dirt - to see what Eddie found.
The bullet. Or at least, what's left of it, its entire front bent flat.
Crushed upon impact with Eddie's skin.
#how long do chrissy and eddie walk around the woods?#does the party know about the revived and have they looked for eddie at all yet?#why would el even go along with the guy whom she had absolutely no relation with prior to this day?#DUDE YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE#after watching s4 my brain got this far with the story + some other scenes involving eddie “stabbing” billy to prove their immortality#and wrote the first chapter and half before promptly giving up on it#i still think a many lot of thoughts about the wayne and steve argument with eddie intervening tho#so let's give it to tumblr to think it over for fun :]#the two yr anniversary of st4 is reminding me of all my old au ideas this is great#this was written pre steddie discovery for me that's how you know it's old#stranger things#stranger things au#eddie munson#wayne munson#chrissy cunningham#steve harrington
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might be crazy but back before Skully was revealed to be an amalgamate of souls in the comics, and everyone theorized it was Jay or Seth, I personally thought he was just a second alter of Tim
anon. I think I am in love with you.
#AUGAHQHAHH IDK WHY BUTBTHIS TRICKLES MY BRAIN SM. BRO! WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY MASKED PEOPLE IN UR HEAD? (Silly)#Oguh i love rhis idea. Also feeds into ym hc of Brian knowing more about Tims system than he does#oughhhh. Different parts of systim who behave snd think differently . SO COOL#Excitedly prancing rn#Obv not canon but this is such a silly/fun route#Ty anon :-)#ng.asks
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some people read a book or have a warm glass of milk to help them drift off to sleep. i watch thehyperfixated's fantastic Toymaker Caramelldansen edit on repeat 🙈💖
#i have no idea if they are on this hellsite but bless you thehyperfixated for creating this 😂😂 IT SCRATCHES MY BRAIN JUST RIGHT#there are so many glorious Toymaker edits on TikTok but this one is my favourite. insert a screen into my tombstone and loop this please#WHY DOES IT HAVE SO FEW LIKES this is criminal!!! 😭💖#the toymaker#doctor who#the giggle#dw#neil patrick harris#caramelldansen#starleskatalks
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#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought.#i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper#thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times#like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks.#nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she#was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled#a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where#you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder?#but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what#then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student.#everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have#and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my#leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but#i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying#my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound#by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting#better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that#and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path.#one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do#what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it.#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.#unrelated
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I don't think I'll ever be a proper Content Creator because of the way my brain works, but my biggest goal is to somehow make a story that makes someone so mentally ill about a thing that they can't think straight. As I do. Every couple weeks or so. Someday it will happen and I will do skitter around dancing and cheering wildly on the subway platform in my brain
#some day my aus will escape my brain cavity and I hope desperately when they do that they make someone out there as horridly ill as i am#Ramble#Thinking about... Maybe trying to start a new fic at some point. It feels intimidating to say when I'm struggling with steady tracks#but oh my god. i need these ideas to exist in a form that isnt only in my brain. i *cannot* have a four hour conversation with every person#that exists in the submas au fandom. that's literally not possible to do or achieve. but damn it would make things so much easier for me#As always I am bouncing between One Move and Coupled (Uncoupled)#Which are HUGE long-term titans in my brain fic-wise. I think Coulpled (Uncoupled) is the closest to being real just because it was made#specifically TO EXIST in fic form. One move Also was- but it also primarily exists as an animatic in my head. the plot structure is vague#Spirit keeper would be GREAT; but that one exists in my head as a comic + series of animations so it's harder to translate into another for#Same with Mecha AU. That one almost exclusively exists as animations in my head and don't know if I could write it correctly. It's supposed#to be a pokemon movie. i dunno what to tell you. I need that shit to be a feature length film to do it justice#I have so many more aus that are dear to my heart. fuck man why does my brain have to have so much love and storytelling in it.#tag ramble#AUs#Submas
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today should be a t break day
bc I'll need it to be more effective in the coming days if we see family, and then I'll have the survey shifts
but since late last night i keep randomly nearly breaking into tears and thinking abt the stupidest shit that needs to stay in the box in my brain
so idk. maybe it will be. it is thus far. but I'm not leaving my room without a container of some edible or another in my pocket either
#text post#no idea where the fuck this came from and it kept me up until fucking four in the fucking morning#but only NEARLY crying my body/brain still won't let me FULLY cry#and i did email my prior doc with a 'can i ask u just abt this one current symptom and if it is abt what i think & ill send u 20 bucks even'#she said no to the twenty bucks but said yeah it does sound like my ptsd has been triggered by multiple things over the last year#and the not being able to cry is a part of it. my body's trying to protect me from feeling anything abt it and breaking down#and part of that means not letting the tears fall so there's no physical acknowledgement of any feelings#which is what i was thinking was going on but it's nice to confirm it with someone who knows their shit#doesn't fix it but at least i know.#the thing is that the triggers are like. good? bc im in a healthier safer environment now with ppl that don't do what my mum & fam do to me#but it means my brain is learning just how much of a lot of it Wasn't Normal and was actually Pretty Harmful and that's.#i want my brain to just accept and get over that already tbh. okay so that's the case it doesn't change anything????#why are we still thinking abt it and having feelings over it at this point bc that feels like a waste of time#there are no apologies I'll get for things that happened from when i was younger and there's no closure it just Is What It Is#I'm tired of even wanting to cry over it when I'd rather be throwing myself into making money & being productive art-wise#it manages to interrupt so many fucking facets of my life like#whatever. anyway considering a music au new draft where ed and izzy meet seth. and immediately offer to kill him for Pickles aksnsjfnfgj
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a boye whom'st loves to attack paper balls
#cats#nhgnhmmm.. yommy... paper favorite food#(I do not actually let him eat paper)#ALSO I'm still working on doing the poll adventure thing I've just had a lot going on. as usual. It's actually harder than#I initially thought to regularly find time to do a quick ms paint sketch and a small writing blurb#it's like even though it doesn't take extremely long it's still one of those things that is hard to carve out a little portion of the day#to do if your day is set up in a way not conducive to portion carving#BUT .. at least I have posted many drafts#as usual.. my style of like.. post nothing for 3 weeks then randomly post 25 things at once#NO idea why my brain works that way. it just does. it's easier#even though I know it's worse in terms of like. social media#the algorithms in most places prefer consistent steady uploads over time. not jarringly wavering between absence and hyper presence#then absence again. but .. alas...#Good to clear out a few drafts once in a while anyway. And I do really want to get back to scullptures and costumes. I stopped as much for#a while due to the pandemic (can't go to the bins anymore to get new supplies for costumes and stuff) as well as my worsened#health things/lack of energy and also my chest injury (so repetitive movements with my arms such as sitting in the same#position sculpting for 4 hours or changing clothes multiple times in quick succession etc. could flare it up) but obviously#none of those things are going to get better any time soon. so I should probably just try to do it here and there anyway. It's still not#safe to go to the bins. still having muscle problems. still low energy. But I could make it work maybe. I just feel bad having gotten out#of the habit when it is really fun stuff that I enjoy. Some things just get more difficult for me over time#But even like 3 sculptures and 10 costumes a year is better than 0 of any of those things. So. eh#I'm also just trying to clear out pictures still. My spring cleaning (which I do at the start of every new year instead of actual spring)#was kind of delayed this year due to me feeling sick and everything so even late into april I'm still working on the side at like orgnazing#all of the files on my computer. deleting things and backing up whatever I want to keep. clearing out photos.#editing and drafting (and maybe one day posting) old stuff form a while ago. etc. etc.#So any progress is good progress. I suppose.#ANYWAY.... a son... he gets very excited everytime he hears anyone anywhere crinkle up a piece of paper
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