#why do deadlines line up so often and also why do i never learn lol

[iri-vail]

.

[narastories]

ramblings about writing longfic

So as you probably know by now I've been busy writing a chunky little fic over the summer. I wanted to look at the statistics of the process and ramble a little.

We got permission from Bob (@dresdenfilesbigbang) for a little vagueposting, although I don't think this post will even count because I'm not going to talk about the fic, I'm just going to use the process as an example to make a few points.

This time, I've used NaNoWriMo to track my word count, and that is the first thing. If you are motivated by tracking your word count, this is your reminder that besides being a yearly event, it is also a great tool that you can use all year around. Plus, you can create a project with any time length or word count, not just 50k in one month. I actually started off with 20k as the word count, since that was the minimum for the Big Bang, but ehm... well, it soon became clear that 20k is not going to be enough lol Point is, you can also update your goal as you go and it doesn't mess up anything in the slightest.

And I guess November is coming up if you want to do NaNo "proper". I did that once, and it was great to just see that I could. But honestly, 1600 words a day is way too much for me and I don't see the point. I would rather write 50k words over 3 months and push myself less. With the NaNo pace if you miss a day it really puts you behind, and that is just plain stressful.

Which brings me to my second point. If you look at this graph, your first thought might be "oh that looks so linear and disciplined" ...

(Well, okay your first thought may be "why the heck doesn't it start from zero?" I've written 5k before the start date, okay? It was a sort of "proof of concept" to see if this story was going to work out. And it's not like it was cheating, I've still written way too much lol)

And you know, you kind of would be right, I've neatly stayed above that dotted line, sure.

But then you look at my daily word count graph, and it looks like this:

(Again, ignore the anomaly of the first day please lol)

What I'm trying to say is this: if you write often enough, over a long enough period of time, it will look like consistent progress.

You don't have to write every day if it doesn't work for you. You really don't.

And I think it's nice to just pay attention to your process if you decide to start a bigger project because it will give you valuable info about how you work. And it will make writing the next longfic or bigger writing project easier.

My first multichapter work on AO3 is still unfinished at the 75%-85% point mark. I was posting it as I wrote and then I hit that point which now I know is critical for me. Now I know that when I'm 3/4 done with a fic of this size I usually want to go in and move things around, have a little crisis, and generally that I just go back and forth between writing and editing a lot. And because of that, posting as I write is a really bad idea for me.

So I guess the most crucial thing you can learn is how you write, and then everything will become a little easier.

Also, since this is a Big Bang fic with a deadline, it will drop all chapters at once which is something I haven't done before. Very exciting. (To me at least. To other people probably not, because of the tiny nature of the rarepair. But that never stopped me, has it?)

[carnalapples]

hi!!!!!! i have questions!!!!!!

7. Any worldbuilding you’re particularly proud of?

9. How do you find new fic to read?

30. Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter?

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

Hello thank you for the ask Rowan!!!!!

7. Any worldbuilding you’re particularly proud of?

I’m pretty proud of the different AUs in rivers; I enjoy thinking through all the chain reactions that would have had to occur for a certain set of circumstances to be in place. I’m also really happy with how the world of my Hawke/Sebastian fic is coming together, although I still need to do a lot of work before it gets someplace I’d be happy publishing (and I am impatient). The Free Marches are such a good playground!! I like the idea that Ashna’s sister is Inquisitor in this world, even though it barely comes up lol. She recruits the templars as one major change, and I like the potential mirroring of a dynamic between the Hawkes and the Trevelyans. (The more I look at what I consume and write, I really like strange family dynamics lol!)

While I'm off-topic, wedding ceremonies. Real or fictional, I'll never get tired of learning about them, lol.

9. How do you find new fic to read?

I am a very picky reader at times, haha. I usually have an idea not so much of what specifically I want to read but what kind of mood I want to be in. Sometimes I know I want like a modern AU or a specific trope, or I might have Thoughts about one part of canon and want an AU specifically about that… (ME2 Horizon...) So usually I just go on AO3 to the fandom and filter characters/pairings and explore, sometimes with specific searches. For DA in particular I love the Black Emporium Exchange collections, the rarepairs are so good!

A lot of the fandoms I want to read for are smaller, so I'll just gradually work through everything that looks interesting haha. Really often, I’ll go to authors I enjoy and check out their bookmarks; because of this, I read fandom-blind a lot and have often gotten into fandoms after reading fic, which is always a fun time (This is how I got into Dragon Age, actually! And why I’ve read so much Mad Men fic for someone who has never seen Mad Men LOL)

30. Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter?

I think I tried to stretch myself with a heart because I'd never written a continuous multi-chapter story before. Really, I took a risk with risky business; I’d never written for Zevran or Josephine before, and I was so nervous because I wanted to do it right and on a deadline. I don't know even now if I matched up to what I wanted, but with the deadline, I had to get it out there no matter what, and I couldn’t back out; that really helped. I think now when I write and I'm going over something over and over or delaying posting, I can ask myself: is it going to get any better with the skills I have, or is posting this and moving on to something else the way to grow?

Also, every time I write sex is pushing my comfort zone lol, I always post and think "oh ok, that's out there." Slowly trying to expand said zone.

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

I’ve recently been sidetracked from all things Dragon Age, and have been bouncing between that Miranda/Shepard fic and this fic for a Hindi movie I watched a while back. (At this point, I'm getting distracted from distractions 😭) A few lines from the latter:

He thinks that as much as he wants to protect Akira, she is the one protecting him. From getting old and bitter and somehow from dying. Suddenly, he feels a hollowness inside him, the conspicuous lack of something. The lack of her body and her warmth pressed tight up against him. The lack of her voice and her incessant chatter. His life is very quiet without her. Figuratively speaking, which is another thing he doesn’t really do without her. This life is not conducive to metaphor.  Her pants were too big, that’s what he remembers. They lent her the extras they had, and if they were big on Krishnan, of course they’d be big on her. She had to cinch them up, and he hates the way he feels when he thinks about it. 

Thank you again for the ask!!

[vonkarma2]

wilted rose, shamrock, and cherry blossom for rocio and seedling for angel for the oc asks?

today I will answer asks from march 2023

🥀 [WILTED ROSE] How good is your OC at meeting deadlines? What motivates them?

Rocio is great at meeting deadlines, because unfortunately they have nothing and I mean nothing else going on in their life until after the story. They have mundane interactions with others occasionally, but they never go out and have no hobbies or interests or plans outside of their work. That sounds so miserable omfg.. They’re motivated by their otherwise extremely depressing life, and the fact that magic is their special interest 👍

If the deadline is something unrelated to magic or her adjacent studies then she’ll probably do it anyway because again, she has nothing better to do, but if it’s something she thinks is pointless or stupid she just won’t do it at all, and usually gets away with it because of her status.

🌸 [CHERRY BLOSSOM] Does your OC believe in legends/myths?

This is a good question, because I haven’t thought much about this universe’s like.. mythological history. Basically, the reason the main story takes place in the year 1940 is because they started counting from the end of the last major world-ending apocalypse, which left most of society completely destroyed. There was another one before this as well, but it was like 75,000 years ago and much more intense. No one in universe knows exactly what caused them, so there would probably be a lot of speculation and popular ideas as to why. Popular theory is probably that there was some unknown wizard who went literally insane, or that humans were close to figuring out magic entirely, so the world had to regain balance by bringing them to the verge of destruction. 

I think Rocio would be pretty skeptical about the second theory, she’s the type to be like yeah that's not how magic works 😐 that has never and would never happen 😐 because she does get genuinely annoyed by people who misunderstand or purposefully misinterpret these concepts. They like, aren’t personally too interested in the Renewals, but she would consider them a very important area of study and not something to be baselessly speculated about.

Other myths and legends would be magical creatures that shift into humans and live among them (she hates when people say this, it’s like the in-universe equivalent of thinking bigfoot is real), historical figures who get hyped up as like almost godlike or saintlike figures (if they’re a wizard she usually buys into it 100%, if not then she’s like tch they were just a person like any other don’t be silly), and maybe some hidden mythical locations (I think some of these would also have historical basis + she’s like yeah this is probably real). So as you can see they would be rather condescending about this type of thing, believing themselves to be an authority on the subject due to their knowledge of magic. To be fair, it is warranted in a lot of cases, since the line between legend and reality is often blurred + this is their area of expertise. And life’s work also

☘️ [SHAMROCK] How passionate is your OC about things they love/hate?

We have already gotten into things they love lol, I know I talked about it mostly in the context of their depressing life, but even if they had other things going on they’d still really love magic and its study and everything. It genuinely makes them happy to discuss and learn about + sometimes even provides connections to others who are the same way. Rocio and Malachi would vibe like crazy.

As for things that they hate. I think “passionate” implies they hate these things on principle, or want to convert others to their worldview. But a lot of things they “hate” are just like, mundane aspects of everyday life, that they’re honestly envious of other people who can handle them easily. Being touched or looked at closely or holding a conversation for example. Definitely also has mundane hates though, like she’s had to travel a lot so there’s definitely some areas or unpleasant experiences she has. Never visit Southern Mangualha bro “ohh the canals are so pretty” if you want to smell rotten fish the whole time and get way overcharged for housing. I think she is the type to seethe in silence over these things, but not actually try to convert others to her viewpoint, mostly because she usually thinks it is either impossible or unimportant.

🌱 [SEEDLING] What new passions/hates is your OC discovering?

I think Angel still has a lot to discover, since even during the story he only goes out for a short while and is too busy avoiding being killed to find something he is truly interested in yk.. It’s hard to say because I feel like he had all his passionate interests already, and now everything he’s discovering is something completely unremarkable like cooking or drinking or going out on the town. Which I suppose is kind of nice in a way. Oh, and I think he had also never seen the ocean or at least only seen it from afar + I think he’d really enjoy going to the beach. Catching fish + swimming + getting thrown around by waves and such.

As for hates though, I think this experience would give him a strong dislike of authority in general, whereas before he didn’t really care. He got put in danger and used as a resource and almost killed by Joanna and Gabriel*, and it wasn’t even personal, it was just to advance their own agendas. So from then on whenever he sees someone that’s like, ambitious or condescending or especially is in charge of any type of organization, he automatically strongly distrusts them, because he feels like they’re the type that’s willing to coldly use others. Similarly, he used to love + define himself by his royalty-adjacent status, but now he kind of hates it and wants people to interact with him on a personal level yk. Rather than something he has no control over. Also he discovered he hates sleeping on the ground in the woods with no blanket and being stabbed and his friends dying and being abandoned and being arrested and being imprisoned and his dad dying and

*indirectly through Victor and the wolf demon

[you-are-my-neverland]

so. it’s finally time to talk about [my] nano.

i’ve kept my nano project pretty under wraps so far, mostly because it’s been out of my hands. i wasn’t actually planning on doing a for real for real nano; instead, i thought i would dedicate some time to my fanfic (spoiler alert, but i haven’t yet) or work on finishing up revising fairbone (spoiler alert: i did revise one chapter, but i still have like half of it left to go and a nov 30 deadline...rip). if that didn’t work, i thought i would pick a wip i started over the summer or one i had half developed (let’s just say the ideas note i have really boomed over the summer and like...yeah). in conclusion, there were many wips ready for me to work on them, including ash heart, which i really want to write but haven’t figured out how to.

instead i started a new wip.

well, it’s not necessarily new, persay. it’s an idea i’ve had stewing since like late september/early october and planned out a good portion of. however, deciding to start it was a last minute decision - and by last decision, i mean that on october 31st i finished developing the barebones of character development and basic plot lol and then gave it a go. it’s honestly been going crazy well. as of today (november 9th), i just hit 21.2k words. i’m hopeful about this year, while also not wanting to jinx stuff, but like...wow. but writing is has made me realize that, wow, this book is going to be crazy long probably...like i’m 21k words in and we’re still like in the exposition idk what’s going on. but hey, i finished planning out the rest of the basic plot for it today!!!

right. onto the wip details.

honestly, the only reason i haven’t introduced this wip is because a) i want actual stuff done on it and like a proven commitment, because i feel like too often i introduce wips i don’t actually go anywhere with and i hate it, b) i don’t have a set title and c) i actually have no idea how to summarize this.

the novel i’m working on right now is the first of a projected trilogy. i say projected because i have a vague idea that it belongs to a trilogy, but like not a lot of plot except some vaguely connected ideas that should happen in the future. in it, i used a lot of characters from these violent ends, which i tried to write for camp april 2020, but like just their basic barebones; i changed a lot to fit the story, of course. 

not to sound nerdy, but it is like....harry potter inspired, but ONLY in the magical boarding school sense. of course, right now all i have is magical boarding school shenanigans, which i don’t really like because i feel like it unfairly sets the book up as like fun magical stuff when it’s really about murder & politics & student activism (+ a lot of other things ending in -ism). the whole activism part came from watching the trial of the chicago 7 and i was like, bingo, this is what this story needs. 

kay but ANYWAYS. onto the story. like i said, i can’t really summarize it, but there are lots of themes of classism, feminism, the affect on youth and youth’s effect, manipulative adults, revolution, terrorism, sibling dynamics and found family vibes, like all that stuff...packaged into a magical boarding school off the coast of maine setting...recipe for disaster!

mainly i’ve been writing in ophelia’s pov, because she’s my main girl and she’s problematic, but also she’s trying her best and just having a little difficulty fitting in. some other main characters are her twin brother, sebastian, and two other boys, asriel and vincent, who have an initially animistic relationship with ophelia (& kind of each other?) but it’s like enemies to friends (to lovers?).

anyways. here are some carefully curated excerpts below the cut:

i. vincent and asriel meet on a train (ch. 1)

The boy pursed his lips together. “It’s unusual,” he said, finally. “That’s all.” But he was looking at Vincent as if he was noticing him, which meant he was lying, or at least withholding the truth about something. He added, “You’re not from around here, are you?”

“Do you mean geographically?” Vincent replied, raising an eyebrow. “Because I’m from New York.”

A small glimmer of a smile appeared on the boy’s lips, though it vanished as quickly as it had come. “From the Magical World,” he clarified. 

“What gives it away?” Vincent asked sarcastically, waving a hand across his body. “My impeccable taste?”

“Among other things,” the boy said.

ii. sebastian and ophelia discuss grief on a ferry (ch.2 )

“You and mom talked?” Ophelia asked, surprised. She hadn’t exactly been keeping track of them, but she was sure she and Sebastian had spent much of the day together, as they were wont to do.

Sebastian looked at the floor. “Yeah,” he answered, hoarsely. “At least she wants to talk about Des. Dad doesn’t, and neither do you.”

Ophelia sighed, wondering why, today of all days, her sister was haunting them. Maybe it was because there should have been three people heading to Rijevduct, instead of two. Maybe Mother Magic was reminded of the loss of one of her own. 

“I’ve let her go,” she said. “You should too. We have too much of our lives ahead of us to mourn Desdemona forever.”

“I don’t mourn,” Sebastian said, words uncharacteristically sharp. “But I do grieve.”

“Isn’t that basically the same thing,” Ophelia mumbled, closing her eyes and feeling the press of a headache behind them. 

“Sorrow,” Sebastian said, the word a soft shudder. “And sad endings.”

“What?” 

“That’s what makes a good tragedy,” Sebastian answered. “I read it in a book.”

iii. headmistress alexeyev gives a speech (ch. 2)

“Eight years ago, seventy two students were slaughtered here. Some died on the very spot where you now stand today.” Ophelia glanced down at the floor, seeing the motion repeated instinctively around her as well. She looked over at Sebastian, who had closed his eyes instead, a pale flush meeting the faint color in his cheeks. His throat bobbed as he swallowed, tennis shoes scraping against stone as he toed them against the floor, as if he was shaking something only visible to him off.

“It was a tragedy,” Headmistress Alexeyev continued. “I say this because it is the truth. It was a tragedy, and not one that should never have happened.” She inhaled; Ophelia saw her chest rise, shoulders with it, in a sharp motion before she exhaled, body rearranging itself into poise once more. “I speak of this to tell you to assure you that Rijevduct is safe. I know there have been continuous doubts over the security of this school since that day eight years ago. I cannot, of course, guarantee that you will not come to any harm here. I cannot tell you that Rijevduct is the safe haven you were taught it was growing up; events have already proved that it is, in fact, not as impenetrable as one might think.”

Ophelia frowned, confused as to the line of reasoning. She had thought the whole point of the year of transition was to make sure that Rijevduct was infinitely more safer than it had been—and they had all been under the assumption that Rijevduct was virtually impenetrable until the massacre, which had led to the heightened security measures they saw today.

“I can, however, promise you that I, and everyone here today, will do anything in their power to keep you safe,” the Headmistress said. Next to Ophelia, Briar bowed her head, lowering her eyes and swallowing, the action almost a convulsion of her throat and mouth. Ophelia brushed her hand, lightly, in question, and the other girl just shook her head, looking away purposefully, so that Ophelia lost sight of her face and her sad eyes.

“These next three years will be far from easy. Gone are the sheltered lives where your parents could kiss your injuries goodbye, or sing you to sleep at night. Rijevduct is far from the cold, real world, but it is close enough when it comes to not asking you what you want first. This is an adjustment period. This is learning how to survive—and I will tell you this; surviving means many different things to many different people. You will have to decide on your own what this will mean for you, and how you will apply what you are taught here to your futures. Be wise. Be proud. Be humble. Cry. Laugh. Live. As your Headmistress, I, along with your professors, will be here throughout your time.” She raised her glass, “To the worthy,” and then drank, turning and walking back to her seat, which she lowered herself into gracefully.

iv. sebastian pov! (ch. 3)

There was a dead girl in Sebastian’s first period Magical Theory class. She was sitting diagonal from him, on the Glass side of the classroom, in an empty chair, staring straight ahead at the chalkboard. Sebastian tried not to look at her too obviously, his eyes straying from the open book in front of him to her cautiously, beneath the sleeve of his sweater.

She was sitting blankly in the chair, scraping her shoes against the ground, though they could not leave any scuff marks. Though she was the same faded shades most girls were, Sebastian could make out her pleated pale blue plaid skirt, which brushed around her knees, and the stained white blouse that might have once been spotless, but had been marred forever by the circumstances surrounding her death—objectively, that was to say, with blood. Her dark brown hair fell into loose curls around her shoulders, little silver studs glinting dimly, unable to catch the light. Her knee high socks now pooled around her calves and ankles, revealing a rotting bandaid on one of her knees. One of her tennis shoes was peeling at the toes, looking as if it had been ripped apart. 

Her fingernails had all been pulled off. Sebastian was good at analyzing ghosts by this point; he recognized the bloody flesh and bone of the nail bed. There was also blood matted across her head, trickling down her temple, with bruises covering her body; they peeked out from beneath the collar of her shirt, blackened across her cheekbones with a sunken quality in particular to one of her cheeks, as if the bone had begun to cave.

Subjectively, she was far from one of the worst that Sebastian had seen.

[beabaseball]

Editing Anon from a few days ago. Yeah, ive never really touched editing software before. Like... Only once or twice, but it was super basic stuff, like cutting some pieces out.

I have good news; cutting is a good 90% of it. ,,,that might be an exaggeration but it is certainly what I am feeling very passionately right now.

I know last time I said I didn’t have any course suggestions, but if you can find lists that are just... literally just editing techniques, and historical videos can’t hurt. Alfred Hitchcock and Orson Welles basically made the basis of modern US/Western editing... because they were busy trying to one-up each other. I wanted to give you an Akira Kurosawa rec too because he literally invented the Rashomon Sequence but none of the videos on youtube vibe with me, but in 1950 he basically said “hey....... what if the editing LIED to you” and it was great.

Definitely stay away from film critic channels. I like watching them because I enjoy being hurt, but they will absolutely not give you editing advice. Animation will give you tons of editing stuff because EVERYTHING in the setup must be deliberate and the editing is built into the creation process, but in general just watching movies twice helps. First time to see the movie, second time to see HOW it movie. Film theory is 80% editing. A director can hand you the shit, but you’re making sense out of it. This is why Wonder Woman 2017 was janky, even though I loved it. The editing in some places was janky as hell and if you go with a notebook and try to write down the edits happening and pick out what went wrong or was confusing, I promise you will learn a lot.

I can’t really give any advice specific to your editor, but as long as you can make an accurate cut, you can make a good video on whatever basically. But there are some general things that I do need to impart: 1) if you’re doing anything with any amount of pause, have some background radiation. Literally just hold your phone up and record the sound of a quiet room if you have to and stick it on the bottom track. Keeps the silences from being too deafening in anything serious, when otherwise you’ll hear that ‘click’ of the sound dropping off entirely.

2) watch your sound levels. If you look off to the side of your timeline, you should see a gague that is usually two bars with decibel levels (dbs) marked on them. and as your sound plays the bars go up from green to yellow to red. You want your gague to hit yellow. If it goes to red, you’re blowing out the speaker. If you’re in green, people will need to raise their volume to hear you. You will probably have to google how to change sound levels specific to your editor, but usually you turn on a mode (or have an automatic turned on mode) that puts a thin line in the middle of your soundtrack bar and you can put points on it and raise and level the sound in between those points. This seems like a lot of extra work but it’s part of ‘invisible editing’ where you DON’T want the audience to notice the editing so they aren’t distracted from the content. Drawing attention to the editing is usally an artistic choice or for a funny,like a smash cut where someone says “i’m not doing that” and immediately cuts to them doing that.

3) ...this is all sound editing lol USE CROSSFADES AND FADE-OUTS with audio. It smooths out that ‘sound just cut out’ click mentioned in 1. The ambient noise will help but fading in and out will also help a lot. This is for DaVinci Studio but you can see what an audio crossfade is there and most editors should let you at least do a fade out, and then you can put them on different lines and have them overlap that way if a system doesn’t let you crossfade directly (looking at you, iMovie.)

................................and yeah the rest of it is just chopping things up and putting them on top of all that audio you worked hard on lol.

Anything more complicated is going to be system-dependent or dependent on the shooting of the film itself. So for filming tips:

Have consistent lighting. Daylight is best looking but if the sun goes behind the clouds and you have to cut some dead space, all of a sudden the light goes dark in your film and it’s really  obvious. You can probably digitally brighten some of it up, but it’s easier to just have an extra light on in the first place while filming. Florescent bulbs flicker, LED’s don’t, but LED’s also look very clinical.

Film the same thing once or twice from different angles, especially if you only have one camera. Do not become stanley kubrick.

microphones are hell i still haven’t figured out how to not fuck up recording

save often, your computer is always about to crash.

..OH FUCK GET AN EXTERNAL HARDDRIVE.

Keep a copy saved on your external harddrive ALWAYS. Two saves at minimum at all times. Or you will end up like my classmate whose entire thesis deleted itself 2 days before deadline.

bring snakcs and hydrate.

these are all the important things i can thnk of.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

10 things finishing my 10th book taught me

Hey People of Earth!

(I cannot believe I typed the title of this post!)

Today, I’m going to be sharing 10 things finishing my 10th book taught me, which means--as of 2:30 this morning, I have finished writing my tenth novel, aka MOTH WORK. I’ve written posts like this for my 7th, 8th, and 9th novels as well!

Enjoy this note no one asked me to write but that I wrote because I was sad: 

I introduced this project on this blog back in June, but actually started it in the notes app of my iPhone (iconic) sometime in January of 2019. At this time, my mental health was *lackin* as I was stressed and in my final months of high school. I needed something to cheer me up, and so Moth Work became a place where I could dump my “bad writing” and also have fun. For more context, you can read more about Moth Work in my various writing updates HERE. 

I didn’t intend for this project to become a novel, but thought I’d write it as a longer “for fun” story (prospective word count was 5k words). I chipped away at it for a few months, but didn’t really start picking it up as a serious project until around May/June. It was only once summer vacation hit that I, under the advice of my therapist to have a “reach goal” for the summer, decided to say fuck it!! I shall write this as a novel (prospective word count now 50k words). This novel has seen me graduate high school + almost finish my first year of university, and I’m so excited to share all the wonderful things I learned while writing it!

1. It is totally okay to take your “guilty pleasures” seriously. 

I was in a mega dilemma writing this book. I’d wrapped up writing my ninth novel just after starting this project, and felt a need to write something that was more “serious”. Though I’m an advocate for writing what you want, when you want, even I struggled not to feel like I was wasting my time writing a project that didn’t have very much literary/craft merit (in my eyes, this changed eventually). 

I am here to tell you--do NOT let anyone, including yourself, shame you out of writing what you like. Allow yourself to let loose and write “bad” things, and remember you don’t have to feel guilty/ashamed for writing stuff that seems “juvenile” or “bad”.

2. Processes change--embrace this.

I took about 4000 different approaches writing this book, and though I really wanted to stick to one (outlining, pantsing), eventually, I let my process be what it wanted to be. For example, I am a pantser and began this novel pantsing. Very quickly, I realized I needed an outline because I could not keep track of events (this book begins very plot-oriented). But, pre-determining events that would happen eventually stopped working as I began feeling constrained, and so I settled for outlining as I went so I could keep track of plot points. 

I outlined 10 of the 15 chapters like this before I sort of... stopped doing this (though I will go back and fill it in just for future reference)! I went back to full-blown pantsing in the last four or so chapters, as what I’d planned would NOT pan out--and I think it’s so important to let your process be what it wants to be. Sometimes this book needed some planning--sometimes it really didn’t. This flexibility has really allowed me to be in touch with my projects more, and really listen to them/understand what it is they need. 

3. Sometimes plans change. Don’t be afraid to follow your gut.

I did not plan for Moth Work to be a novel. But as the project developed, so did its final form. My gut was telling me what I needed to do (continue writing), and another example of this is when I sporadically made this a dual point of view book! I’ve never written a full-length dual POV manuscript, and haven’t written dual POV since I was 12, but I didn’t let that stop me from doing what I knew in my gut, was what the book needed. 

I want to emphasize here--sometimes the vision you imagine changes. Allow this change to happen if you feel it’s right, even if it’s scary. I feel I’ve grown a lot as a writer by just allowing this of myself! It’s easy to beat yourself up for not following your plan, and I did this a lot. Understanding that sometimes plans turn into other plans turn into other plans etc, is the most freeing thing you can do for your writing!

4. Write what makes you happy!

This project began as a means to increase my serotonin lmaooo and I think sometimes as writers, we forget that yes, art is hard, but writing what you like can make that difficulty just a little more tolerable. This book started toiling toward disaster mode for a few chapters in the middle, and I really was not happy writing it. You can feel the difference in the chapters when I felt comfortable writing, versus when I struggled because I felt I “had to”. And so I took a step back and re-evaluated. Since this was not working/not making me happy, what would? This question solved my problems (not easily, but lead me on the right path). The artist! does not! have to! suffer! 

Sometimes problems occur, and critically thinking through them is vital. I’m not saying just to do whatever every time something doesn't work because this isn’t a shortcut. However, my point is not to be afraid to change things up and write what will make you happier and help you finish the book if you feel that’s what you need. I wanted to write a cheesy romance about two boys who both need to chill, and so though I could’ve written something else, I wrote this because it genuinely made me happier! And I love that about this book!

5. Things can take longer than you expect. You’re not a bad writer because of this.

Y’ALL. I wanted to write 50k words of this book over one summer. One month! One! Month! Lots of folks can do this, but I did not! In fact, I hit 50k this month, which is half a year after I projected. 

I think a lot of us constitute speed to being a good writer, and while speed and being a good writer can coexist, speed is not necessarily a determining factor in whether you can write or not! This book took me just over a year from when I started it (nine months from when I took it on as a full-time project), and while sure, I could’ve written it faster, I let it develop as it needed, and wrote it when I felt I could. I am not a professional writer with deadlines (that’s different)! While you gotta put in the time to improve, I think you also gotta look out for yourself! Use your gut, and take your time if that’s what you need!

6. Craft and play can coexist.

This took me so long to grasp, and I still struggle with this today! Craft and play can coexist. Say it with me y’all: craft and play can coexist!!

My manifesto for Moth Work initially was to have it be my dumping ground for shitty writing. While this took the pressure off initially, I then felt like I was regressing in my craft (which was untrue, I just didn’t realize it at the time). So, I decided to begin taking the craft aspect of this book very seriously, trying to write polished, delicious prose (every! time!) and the fact of the matter is that often, this did not happen. 

I beat myself up over this! I was like: Rachel, 16-year-old you was pumping out better prose than this, what’s up? And I put so much pressure on myself to perfect the writing, even though this was only ever meant to be a “for funsies” project. Eventually, I came to understand that, okay, I really do want this to be a for funsies project, but I also want to enjoy re-reading it and not criticizing every aspect of it. I then began incorporating a few passes of line edits after drafting a chapter, until eventually, I stopped circling back to chapters to line-edit them altogether. You don’t have to be perfect on the first draft!

You also don’t have to sacrifice craft to have fun, just as the opposite is true. This book taught me a lot about finding this balance, something I’ve lacked in my writing process for years!

7. Your writing styles can differ from book-to book!

I couldn’t understand why my prose in this book felt “thin” (aka awful in my eyes), why the only thing I felt capable of describing was literally everything shining in some sort of way (glinting, glimmering, glowing lool) or overzealous descriptions of the moon. It was only about a month ago that I realized, after making a breakthrough with my litfic novel Houses With Teeth, that Moth Work was not sucking the life out of my prose--it was just a different book with a different style of writing.

And this makes sense! I was writing with two different characters, in two different perspectives, in a completely different POV than I’m used to writing in the long-form (third-present). Of course things were going to be different! I felt a bit silly realizing this, lol, because it felt so obvious, but I struggled with this for a long time (you can even see bits of this struggle in my video Problems I’m having with writing + solutions). 

I thought I had regressed to being a bad writer because of this book, when in reality, the fault was on my inability to stop comparing a very different book to my very different past works. Sometimes you don’t even realize you’re working against yourself! Acknowledging this, and then letting it go was the best thing I did for this book and it allowed me to draft it much faster toward the end!

8. Writing is NOT linear.

I spoke about this in my Problems video, and I honestly was nervous to see how this hot take would be received. However, I was surprised to see that some folks thought this hot take was actually not a bad one, so I’m re-iterating it here!

I think, because we writers are often always practicing writing, we assume everything we write will be better than the last. Honestly, I feel like at least for me, this was my goal--to always be working linearly in terms of progress. It wasn’t until this book that I really came to realize that this is just not how writing works. The easiest way for me to compare this, also as a visual artist, is to say that sure, practice does make perfect, but I have sketches from last week that are worse than sketches I drew two years ago. Why is it that we expect writing to always be linearly better from one project to the next? My answer is that this is just not how writing works. I wrote some of my favourite paragraphs years ago, and may be embarrassed of a paragraph I write tomorrow. 

I got caught up in this idealism of “I must be writing better each time I write” because I thought this was the most logical progression of my writing craft, but realizing that actually!! progress jumps around, was so important for me. Some days I’m better at writing description, some days I write dialogue worse than I did when I was fourteen! It’s okay not to always be uphill. 

Y’all, if I step down a wrung on a ladder and then step up four the very next day, that’s how it’s going to be! Practice intrinsically will make you grow as a writer, but it doesn't mean everything you write has to be better than what you wrote before (though this can be the case, which is awesome). I feel like I don’t see this spoken about enough, so I do want to know if this is relevant to any of you or if this point is bologna!!!

9. The story wants what it wants.

This is heavily in line with some previous points, but is something that was driven home for me while writing this novel. If I can give one piece of advice, it would be to let the story be what it wants to be. If my story wants to be a YA fantasy trilogy, but I’m trying to force it to be a standalone pretentious character-driven coming-of-age saga (calling myself out), my writing may suffer! Of course, some writers can take control over their story and execute their initial vision perfectly! I am not! one of those! people!

I’m a firm believer that sometimes the story wants what it wants, and it’s often your best bet to follow this path. Write intuitively--if you know something feels wrong, or contrarily, feels right, follow that path. 

I did not know how to end this book. I’d had an ending planned for a few months, though it eventually fell apart in the last few weeks. I didn’t know what I would do instead, but last night when I was drafting the last two chapters of the book, I felt in my gut that I was heading to the end. I wanted to stop writing for the night--I almost did, but instead, I kept at it because I knew I was on a roll toward the finish line, and I felt compelled to follow my instinct. This is how I landed at the end I wrote in, and it was a completely organic process.

Planning out your story is a great thing to do, and I’m not here to start a debate about whether plotting/pantsing is better because they’re both amazing!! But for me, it’s important to let the story breathe, and let it eventually grow into the shoes it chooses for itself. Taking a step back so I could stop trying to mould this story into a place it didn't want to be is probably the best thing I could’ve done for it because I finished the book. Any process is a good process if it gets you to the end healthily, and for me, allowing the story to be what it wanted to be and allowing it to take the lead helped me get there.

10. It’s okay to love your story.

I’m going to end this post on another hot take because it is probably what I primarily felt early this morning as I typed up the last paragraph of this book. I’m not going to lie--I cried finishing this book lol. I ached finishing this book. It *hurt* to finish this book. I didn’t want to finish this book. What I wanted to do was shut my computer, and pretend the end was not coming, and come back four months from now to finish it, maybe. I wanted to hang onto my story because it’s my story and I love it!

Y’all, this book is cringey. It’s melodramatic, juvenile in some places, comically serious in others. But it’s mine, and I love it. Sometimes I’m ashamed of the writing in this book--sometimes I think I’m getting worse. But it’s my story, and I love! it! 

I think so many of us want to please other people! Or maybe that’s just me lol!! oh boy!! There were so many times I wanted to give up on this project because I thought others would find it cringey in places I too, thought were cringey, but simultaneously loved.

I’ve written for other people a lot in the past, and sometimes those ‘other people’ are just me--many critical versions of me. Don’t forget about how much you love a story (for its quirks maybe, its clichés, its “bad writing”) before you finish it. A first draft only comes once and finishing a first draft is so wonderful, and even more so when you love that story. We got enough hate y’all, lets give our stories some love. 

So that’s it for this post! I still have five chapters to write writing updates for, so the party ain’t over til it’s over!!!

For my obligatory Oscar’s speech! A special thanks to @sarahkelsiwrites​​ for reading about these trash people for five years, and for enthusiastically contributing to their trash decisions (#do it for the tea)! And for reassuring me that the prose in this book is actually not as bad as I believe because I would never have finished this book without that pep talk lol. To @imdisappointed​​ for helping me crack some of the toughest plot problems!! You talk me out of problems and it’s magic! And to my MOM @shaelinwrites​​ (for being my mom) and also for all the kind/insightful things you say! Y’all get me through it!!!

And of course!! I thank all of YOU for following this journey of drafting Moth Work. My community on here never fails to amaze me, and I’m a big stan of you all!! Please tag me in your stuff--I’d love to read about what you’re writing!

Here’s to finishing a book, but more importantly, to hoping I don’t make Moth Work a series lmaoo!!! *pops confetti*

--Rachel

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 128: He’s Hired

Previously on BnHA: Deku’s bizarre attempt to make Nighteye crack a smile resulted in abject failure. Never one to give up that easily, Deku appealed to Nighteye’s All Might otaku side instead. Surprisingly, this attempt was convincing enough that Nighteye agreed to give Deku a chance. That is, if he can pass a test consisting of “swipe this stamp out of my hand within the next three minutes.” Deku powered up full cowl and gave it a go, but as it turns out, Nighteye’s quirk lets him literally see the future and predict what his opponent will do next. So. That made things a bit challenging. Nighteye declared that Mirio should have been the successor to One for All instead of Deku, and that it was the one decision he didn’t agree with All Might on. Rather than getting down on himself, Deku got fucking fired up and charged at Nighteye again with the intent of proving that he -- the successor All Might chose -- is worthy as fuck.

Today on BnHA: Deku tries to beat Nighteye’s foresight with speed, but has no luck. As a last-ditch effort he starts throwing random shit at him, but Nighteye still manages to dodge and Deku ends up slamming into a wall. Nighteye announces that the three minutes are up, and berates Deku for getting sloppy in the end. Deku says he was trying not to damage the vintage All Might poster on Nighteye’s wall. Nighteye is all “...” and realizes that Deku purposely went out of his way to avoid wrecking any of that sweet All Might merch, even while bouncing around Gran Torino style. This actually does win a chuckle from him, and Deku ends up being hired. Nighteye reveals that he planned to hire him all along, because he thinks that by showing Deku “the real world” of the pros, he can convince him to give up OFA. Deku accepts the internship. The next day, he and Mirio go out on patrol and run into an adorable little girl who, spoiler alert, turns out to be on the run from none other than this arc’s main villain, Overhaul.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 155 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

before we get started, I would just like to say that when Bakugou Katsuki, the most arrogant boy who ever lived (and someone not particularly known for his great fondness of Deku), learned that All Might had chosen Deku as his successor, he did not think, “well then All Might was fucking wrong.” actually, he immediately started questioning whether everything he’d ever believed was wrong instead, and subsequently accepted Deku for the first time ever. because that’s how real All Might bros do it, Nighteye. you punk

anyway

Deku doesn’t know how far Nighteye can see into the future, so his plan is just “attack him really fast and a lot”

he’s mad lol

incidentally, the title is “Boy Meets...” and honestly my TGIF-raised brain is gonna be really disappointed if it’s anything other than “world”

(ETA: I really don’t know what this was referring to. the most accurate title would be “boy meets traumatized little girl”, but that’s probably not what he was going for?)

so Nighteye’s accusing Deku of being a Gran Torino ripoff, and yeah, he’s got a point

he says that so long as the conditions are met, he can see everything Deku is going to do, no matter how far into the future it is. surely there must be a limit though, but okay

he says in two minutes’ time, Deku will be doubled over in grief, “neither seal nor paper in hand”

lol now I’m trying to think of scenarios where this could be the case and yet Deku still wins. ...

and now Nighteye is commenting on how frustrated Deku seems to be

he says the first thing he should have learned from All Might is that heroes should never show worry or doubt

ugh he’s so goddamn smug. but also tbh I can see why

come on Deku you need to deliver here

oh my god

for a minute I thought he was crying here. Deku, bud. deep breaths. don’t let it get to you

I feel like we’re seeing more and more impatience in him since that fight with Kacchan. he has more drive than ever lately

oh shit now he’s grabbing hold of a bookcase. well Nighteye did give him permission to use whatever

interestingly, this is the first time Nighteye has had an even remotely surprised-looking panel

now Deku’s hurling the whole fucking shelf of books at him lol

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

lol he’s apologizing, “but you said you didn’t care what happened to the room”

oh SHIT everyone DEKU IS USING HIS BIG HERO BRAIN

it seriously wouldn’t surprise me if he was never actually quirkless and it turned out “Big Hero Brain” has been his real quirk all along

OH MY GOD HE’S SO CLOSE

he’s fucking screaming “I AM ALL MIGHT’S DISCIPLE”

but Nighteye closed his fist and whipped his hand out of the way in the nick of time. goddammit

but he can’t attack though! he promised he wouldn’t. so Deku, just keep him on the defensive

Nighteye says whatever he sees didn’t change. Deku losing? I guess?

what the

not going to lie, this gave me Yamamoto flashbacks. fucking ouch

somehow, even though he just brained himself, Deku’s saying he can still fight

but Nighteye cuts him off and says the three minutes are up. well shit

I guess all we can do is hope Nighteye saw enough of Deku during those three minutes -- and whatever additional future-seeing that he also did? -- to pique his interest in taking him under his wing after all

come to think, every single one of Deku’s mentors thus far has dismissed him on first glance. even All Might initially wrote him off. Aizawa was this close to expelling him on the first day. Gran at least had a little faith in him because he trusted Toshinori’s judgment (even though he acted like he didn’t lol), but even he was surprised by what Deku was actually capable of. so I suppose it’s only fitting for this pattern to continue

-- oh wow

are you telling me that you gave yourself a fucking concussion because you didn’t want to risk damaging this asshole’s vintage poster

and now Nighteye’s realizing that Deku left all of his All Might shit intact

he seems surprised? something else you didn’t predict, huh

wow now he’s so impressed that the whole fucking art style changed

(ETA: so this is one of those chapters that Horikoshi wasn’t able to finish before it initially ran in Jump, which seems to happen every so often. Fallen Angels released an updated scanlation using the volume scans, so I’ll use those whenever possible.

here’s the remastered version of this scene, for starters

I like how remastered Deku has upgraded from sighing to cursing. it suits him much better. you know when people say “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed?” this is the opposite of that. he’s not disappointed. he’s mad. I think it does an even better job of showing how much he really wanted this, and how hard he’s been pushing himself.)

well. there’s that scene that Nighteye foresaw, I guess

I don’t know why, but all of Nighteye’s standing around and predicting stuff only to suddenly get surprised now at this juncture makes me really want to see him star in a cereal commercial. “Sir Nighteye, you can see into the future but can you see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?” “hmm. [examining a piece of cereal] its wrinkles are approximately 0.6 mm.” “NO YOU STUPID FUCK, IT’S CUZ THERE’S CINNAMON AND SUGAR SWIRLED OVER EVERY BITE!!!”

like, can’t you just picture it though

anyway. look what Deku made him do

(ETA: for some reason Horikoshi added shading to his face but took away the speech bubble saying “kuku.” so just to clarify, this is indeed a laugh)

that was a chuckle y’all. because Deku is just so fucking ridiculous

now Mirio and Bubble are barging in all, “pardon us.” and again the art style has gotten all sketchbooky. is this Nighteye’s quirk vision?? or just Horikoshi taking artistic license because he feels like it. who can say

(ETA: yep, once again, this is just what happens when the mangaka doesn’t have the chapter done by the deadline)

lol omg

“I like him now”

fuck me look at Deku’s face though, I’m fucking dying

he’s all “BUT I DIDN’T PASS YOUR TEST?”

and Nighteye’s all “[finger wag] ah, but I never said I wouldn’t hire you if you couldn’t”

do you know, I actually went back to look at it. and I guess, technically it’s true. but he sure did fucking imply it lol

anyways, Mirio knows what’s what

what the fuck, now Nighteye says he already made the decision to hire Deku the moment he heard he was coming there

is he full of shit or is this true

but he says it doesn’t mean that he’s acknowledged him yet

he says that the people aren’t waiting for a faint light, but a dazzling one. and he intends to make it clear who is suited for that power, even if it means going against All Might’s will

you know, even if I don’t agree with him, I have to admit that dazzling light line is pretty good

anyway. so Deku understands that Nighteye intends for this to be his first taste of the “real” world, with the expectation that he’ll realize he’s not cut out to be the next successor after all and will voluntarily give up OFA. since the only way it can be passed on is if he willingly transfers it to someone else

haha lol. fat chance of that

anyway!! so Deku’s clutching the stamp and says he would be honored to accept the internship offer

and now we’re cutting to day one of the internship. wow. that was fast

(ETA: how is it that the pacing in this arc began so efficiently, and then ten chapters from now we literally spend 15 whole pages entering a fucking building. wtf happened)

they’re setting out to do patrol and surveillance. who are they surveilling?

Deku lucked out, he gets to go with Mirio rather than Nighteye’s condescending ass

fucking look at all this shit Mirio is wearing that’s just going to come sliding right off the instant he quirks too hard

(ETA: you’ll hear more ranting about this in chapter 139, but it sure is some bullshit that Mirio gets a special costume woven from his hair or whatever and Momo and Hagakure can’t get the same thing. that’s very convenient indeed)

Mirio what does your chestplate say? it looks like “1,000,000” but that’s so weird lol

Bubble explains to Deku that Nighteye’s office is in the middle of an investigation -- !!

holy shit, that’s right. Nighteye’s agency was investigating Overhaul!

“odd actions”, like meeting up with Shigaraki Tomura and blowing up one of his main guys. odd stuff like that

Bubble’s explaining that “Chisaki” (whom I’m just gonna keep referring to as Overhaul even if Deku doesn’t know his villain name yet) has started reassembling the yakuza groups, and that they recently made contact with the League of Villains

Deku’s all “the League of Villains?!” yeah, you know the guys. kidnapped your boyfriend, creeped on you at the mall, etc.

apparently they haven’t been able to get direct evidence of him plotting evil. wow, really?? his quirk isn’t exactly subtle

but Nighteye says they can’t treat them like villains until they get proof of criminal activity

well then, putting Deku on the job is the right fucking call, let me tell you right now. bad guys love to do evil shit around this kid. you’ll have your evidence before the day is out

semi-unrelated side note, have you guys heard Overhaul’s theme from the OST? because it’s fucking sick. like, if you’re looking for kind of a Naruto-meets-trap-beat vibe, this is your fucking jam right here

(ETA: honestly his theme is too good for him. he doesn’t deserve such a badass theme)

anyway so now we are cutting to a group of people, and then to two panels of people’s feet

who even knows who these people are, but one of them is barefoot

it looks like a little girl...?

what the

ohhhhhhh dang

okay, so. I recently couldn’t resist AO3’s siren song and did some careful fic scouting. I was very careful, so I’ve managed to avoid pretty much anything potentially spoilery thus far -- except for one thing. I know that there is a little girl character named Eri. I don’t know who she is or what’s her deal but I know she exists. and she’s a little girl

so like. is this her...?

by the way Mirio is fucking oblivious huh. just continues to walk along with his heroic patrol posture, totally unfazed

awww

Eri’s kind of adorable??

Deku’s apologizing to her -- “my bad, that must have hurt.” even though she ran into him. always so damned smooth, Deku

she looks really upset though

ohhhhhhhhhhhh shit

hahahahahaha OH FUCK

okay so I immediately have several questions and several more immediate concerns. is she related to Overhaul?? is she a hostage? are those bandages around her arms for a reason??

(ETA: MOTHERFUCKER DON’T GET ME STARTED. THIS IS THE MOST FUCKED UP THING I’VE READ IN A MANGA SINCE NINA AND HER FUCKING DOG)

she seems really scared and I think it’s because she thinks she’s about to get in trouble with Overhaul. and like, I don’t fucking want him to come one step closer to her lol. and I wonder if Deku’s hero instincts will prevent him from letting her go back with him

no wonder they had that whole “we can’t treat them like villains without evidence” thing. so now this becomes a case of “do I compromise the investigation in order to protect a scared child from potential abuse even though I’m not sure?”

and I think there’s only one answer to that question, particularly for Deku

well buddy, good luck with that internship

 bonus:

 just some random end-of-volume stuff

apparently Stain placed 29th in the character popularity poll. can you believe he got 25 fucking votes while Best Jeanist got only 22. I don’t fucking understand people

8 people voted for Bakugou’s mom and these people are good and smart and handsome and I like them

somehow Yoarashi got only 14 votes. I seriously thought he’d be more popular than that. I guess that’s what happens when you cross Todoroki and make him fail the provisional license exam. I still love you Yoarashi

the 23 people who voted Mineta as their favorite character should be automatically placed on a sex offender registry

Aoyama only got 17 votes and it’s a travesty. unappreciated in his time

and there is a fantastic page where the remaining class A kids who finished outside of the top 10 get to do their own cosplay two-page spread. sans Mineta, which is even better

Tokoyami is just. I have no words

somehow Mina even managed to work that 90s leopard print into her damn ren faire outfit. this girl will not be fucking deterred

what the fuck is this prototype Mirio hair

what a fucking liar. don’t act like you didn’t fully intend to give him the Tintin hair the entire time. are you trying to avoid being sued or what

(ETA: so is this why Mirio has a different hairstyle in every single flashback? can this be considered a running gag? because it’s amazing)

lastly, Nighteye apparently has green hair just like Deku, which I did not see coming. All Might what is it with you and green haired apprentices

(ETA: somehow I keep managing to forget this fact and it always surprises me lol)

[severe-fangirl-syndrome]

1, 3, 4, 10, 15, 20, 24, 30, 40, 44, 47, 49 for the writers asks?

Thanks a ton for the ask, friend!

1. Do you listen to music when you write?

Yes, but not often. Usually, I only do it when I'm writing something inspired by that song specifically.

3. Computer or pen and paper?

Tough choice, but... computer. Mainly because whenever I put something down on paper, whether a random piece of paper or a notebook, I never manage to find it again. Anything I have recorded digitally is... just as unorganized, honestly, but at least it has to be in the device somewhere.

4. Have you ever been published, or do you want to be published?

Never been published, but maybe, one day, probably in the far, far future, I am definitely tempted to get something published, professionally even.

Though, if this means published as in just posting something on the internet, I haven't posted any actual writing in ages, but I do definitely hope to post more, sooner rather than later

10. Do you set yourself deadlines?

Not really, I already know how horrible I am with deadline, they'd just upset me, not to mention getting myself to write something when I'm feeling completely against the idea never works out.

15.  How do you deal with writer’s block?

Ok, so, I don't actually get writer's block all that often! At least, not complete, total writer's block, where I can't write anything at all. When it comes down to it, I love writing, so if I let my instincts take the lead, there's usually at least something I'd enjoy writing. But if I'm trying to work on a specific project and the words just won't come? I rarely try to tackle writer's block head on. I usually always choose to just take a step back, let myself have a break, write something else that demands less mental effort, then wait for inspiration. My imagination is more hyperactive than not.

20. How many WIPs and story ideas do you have?

Oh..... my God......... why would you ask me that........

Uhhhhh if only just what I consider to be my main, proper, actual WIPs, then around four. If you count the ones that I'm not entirely convinced are legit yet, but have solidified too much to just be going away now, then maybe like... fifteen, including the main four. If... you... really want the estimated total then.......

UHHHHHHHHHHHH

24. Favourite genre to write and read

Oooooohh, tough question. I enjoy a whole lot, and you should know I just love to genre-mash. But, I suppose, if it really comes down to it, I'd have to stick with my age-old answer: fantasy. I've always loved it and I don't hope to stop.

30. Favourite idea you haven’t started on yet

Depends what you mean by "haven't started on yet." If I had the idea at all, it probably has at least a few scenes written down already. So, if we just go by a story that hasn't made any progress since those first inspiring lines I put down, then this original story by the working title of "Long Live The Foreign Dead." It's... quite chaotic. To summarize as shortly as possible, it's about a girl working as a grim reaper in a fantasy world.

40. Share some backstory for one of your characters

Ummmmmm, we'll do........ my girl Zoeri, from my Treasure Trove WIP. Her short description is "the blind host of an eldritch horror," and these attributes have affected her since day one.

From the day she was born, and the villagers realized she harboured a demonic entity within her, they wanted to leave her for dead. So they cast her from the village and dumped her in the middle of the forest, but in the end, at least one of the villagers there couldn't bear the thought of leaving a blind, helpless, infant girl all alone to die in the woods, so they went to retrieve her and raised her in secret.

But eventually, either other villagers found out about it, or they watched her take her eldritch form and were too horrified to keep her any longer, she ends up abandoned in the woods again. Someone else finds her, and takes her in again. The formula repeats. She survives by a miracle, even if, usually, she isn't able to stay long enough to develop any substantial bonds.

And, finally, inevitably, as she's only just reached preteen age, no one takes her in again. She ends up alone again, and stays that way this time. She grows up in the woods, largely isolated and wary of all strangers, until the very start of the plot.

44. How much research do you do?

Probably more than what is healthy XD

When I'm only just beginning on a story, or haven't gotten the flow of it going yet, is the most dangerous time, where I am at risk of spending ages on Google looking for this one (1) extremely specific piece of information that somehow lead me to thirty tabs.

But, fortunately, at least, when I've finally picked up the rhythm of writing something, I tend not to spend too long on research. I've learned to put a [***] where something I don't know is meant to go.

47. Best way to procrastinate

Lol idk dude, tumblr or smth? YouTube? The internet in general?

49. Which character would you most want to be friends with, if they were real?

That's another difficult question. I think, if it really boils down to it, the choice is... between Deva and Dani, the protagonist of the Treasure Trove WIP and his older sister. I really love Deva, I have to, when he's the leading voice of a project I love, and I'm such a character-centric person. He's just a relatively cool guy in general too.

But also, Deva really cares for and admires Dani, and I look through his eyes a lot so... not to mention, I will confess, she is..... a tad bit of a self insert. Except, like, better than me. At life. She's a slightly more ideal me. I'm certainly tempted to meet someone like that.

[lacquerware]

Mega Man should stop presenting its flaws as indispensable features

When I was fifteen, I learned to play the song Malagueña on the piano. It was a laborious project; the culmination of nine years of piano lessons under the tutelage of Mrs. Diane Miller, and the main event for her upcoming student showcase.

This arrangement of the piece was a seven-pager, and somewhere around page four was a problem phrase I kept playing wrong, a rapid two-handed run up the keyboard with tricky fingering. I got to a point where I could play flawlessly up to that phrase, only to flub the phrase every time. Each time I flubbed it, my teacher would stop me and send me back to page 2. “You have to perfect that phrase,” she would say, “so try it again, but first play the preceding two pages, so it’s no longer fresh in your mind by the time you get to it again.” Alas, this would result in more flubs, and after three flubs in a row she would send me back to the beginning of the entire piece. “You’re still not getting it,” she’d say. “So I think we should run through the stuff you’ve already mastered one more time.” I would glance at her, trying to read her intent, and she would stare back at me, bug-eyed and malevolent.

The above story is false,because Mrs. Miller was a kind, intelligent, and non-insane person. Like all people of that description, she understood that you don’t work out a problem area by indiscriminately repeating ALL PRACTICE. When you get one problem wrong on a math quiz, you don’t review the entire textbook. You don’t work on your free throws by drilling layups and then also free throws. You can’t learn to poach an egg by toasting English fucking muffins all day. To suggest otherwise is an act of hostility.

Mega Manhas always carried this hostility. The game dishes out its challenges in neat little screen-sized units, but penalizes your failures with gratuitous setbacks, often requiring you to replay entire stages from the beginning. This makes learning inordinately tedious. You have to retread every yard for every yard gained.

I guess this is a relic of the arcade age, when games were designed with the express intent of punishing players—unless they paid up. Indeed, most of Mega Man’s NES contemporaries inherited this same feature in the form of finite lives and scarce checkpoints, but it never made much sense on home consoles. You could argue that it prolonged the lifespan of each game, but that only held true for the masochists who continued to tolerate this torturous system rather than reallocate all that wasted time to more fruitful pursuits like, I dunno, learning to play piano or poach an egg.

I’ve always liked Mega Man, but it was already starting to feel like a tired concept as early as Mega Man IV. I was about eight years old by then, and starting to catch on that they were running out of boss motifs. Pharaoh Man felt like a red flag.

Mega Man has since proliferated into a multi-faceted franchise spanning more than 120 titles and three decades (and for the record, I’ve played through almost all of them), but it’s never really dispensed with its ancient baggage. Mega Man X brought new visual flare while diversifying the core action; Mega Man Zero imbued the series canon with new consequence and cool factor; Mega Man ZX fused the classic gameplay with the Metroidvania template; but all of these spin-offs continued to punish, punish, punish, to gatekeep their content from the series’ own consumers to no certain end.

When Capcom revealed Mega Man 9, I was momentarily taken with the nostalgia of it, but quickly lost interest when I realized that Capcom had no intent of evolving the series’ concepts, even in basic quality-of-life ways. Lives and weapon energy were still pointlessly commodified, checkpoints sadistically scarce. They’d even removed what few innovations the series had seen to date, such as the slide and the charge shot. Nor did the roster of Robot Masters appear any more inspired than the cast of rejects that had turned me off five installments prior. Capcom had had seventeen years to think about it and all they’d come up with were lame analogs of pastbosses, like Tornado Man and Magma Man. It’s like they thought they hadto retread the same shit beat for beat or people would get confused. Even their ace, Splash Woman, was just another in a long line of water-themed bosses.

Mega Man 10 as a follow-up was downright depressing. Strike Man, Pump Man, and Chill Man are what you get when you realize yesterday was the deadline and all you’ve got is a pen and a cocktail napkin. I can’t fathom that a bunch of game designers sat around brainstorming ideas for Mega Man fucking 10 and someone was like, “Hmm, what about an ice-themed boss.”

Now we have Mega Man 11, the long-awaited, belligerently-demanded revival of the MM franchise after some eight years of dormancy. After playing the demo, I find myself wondering why. Why are we here? Why is Mega Man 11 Capcom’s answer after saying no to Mega Man for eight years? It’s the SAME.

Yes, it looks and sounds nicer and there’re a couple new mechanics—which are themselves comically uninspired takes on the ancient tropes of bullet time* and Devil Trigger—but I’m mystified at how unchanged the formula still is after eight years of seemingly adamant dismissal of the entire franchise, let alone the thirty-one years they could’ve been critically examining it. Do they realize that other developers have been building on this genre since the eighties?

*Weird side note: The tutorial for Mega Man’s new “Speed Gear” ability explains that the gear makes you “move so fast that everything else seems slow,” but in practice Mega Man moves just as slowly as everything else. So it’s not Mega Man who’s moving fast, it’s. . . the player?  

Punishment as “Difficulty”

In the Block Man (lol) stage of the demo, there’s a section where you have to jump and slide through elaborate platforms as they scroll toward you, an insta-kill grinding device nipping at your heels all the while. The third platform has very peculiar collision detection, such that your head bonks against the empty space you’re supposed to jump through, seemingly rendering the challenge impossible. This is several screens into the stage but still prior to the first checkpoint (on Normal mode), so every time this platform killed me, I had to start the entire stage over. After about fifteen tries, I discovered that the collision doesn’t trigger if you’re holding left as you make the jump—an illogical thing to do unless you’ve died so many times you’ve run out of other ideas. By the time I cracked this idiosyncrasy, I’d already spent close to an hour replaying the preceding screens over and over for no reason. Why is this still a thing? This is punishment, not difficulty. It contributes to the challenge only in that it makes the experience less fun, “challenging” your resolve to continue playing. Think of all the origami you could be learning. All the old ladies you could be helping cross streets.

The Mega Man games are quite clever in the way they parse out the platforming and shooting in little bite-sized units. Each screen is essentially an action puzzle for you to solve. It would be so logical for each screen break to be a checkpoint, because each screen break isa checkpoint—the start of the next challenge. Games like Super Meat Boy do this, meting (meating?) out their challenges in bite-sized, infinitely repeatable increments. Nobody accuses Super Meat Boy of being too easy because it doesn’t make you repeat the shit you’ve already completed when you fail at the current task. If you wantthat kind of punishment, no one’s stopping you from resetting the game.

Mega Man 11 adds a “Casual” mode which increases the number of checkpoints, but it’s still annoying to me that the more punishing model is treated as the norm while the more logical distribution of checkpoints is treated as a concession. Soulsplayers will tell me to “git gud,” but that’s why I led with the piano analogy. I got damn good at Malagueña, and I still had time left over to do my homework and play video games.

Special Weapons

Using your Special Weapons in Mega Man games is like spending the money you might need to pay rent on stuff you could be getting for free through your well-connected friend Dave. The trial-and-error pairing of the right weapon and the right boss is such an integral part of Mega Man’s progression that any other use of anyspecial weapon becomes a high-risk gamble—unless, of course, you just Google the answers.

I understand the need to impose limits on the more powerful weapons, but games have figured out countless better ways to do this in the thirty-one years since Mega Man 1. Cool-down times. Cool-down meters. Recovery proportional to damage inflicted. Recovery proportional to damage received. Recovery by way of skillful attack, à laMetal Gear Rising. Enemy fire absorption à la Alien Soldier and Radiant Silvergun. Ranger X on the Sega Genesis had solar-powered special weapons; why not steal that idea for this game’s allegedly solar-powered protagonist?

Instead, even in its eleventh installment in two-thousand-goddamn-eighteen, Mega Man still employs an RNG-based item drop system. Replenishing your meter is as simple and menial as finding an enemy spawn point and brainlessly standing and shooting until an enemy happens to drop the energy you need. Don’t forget to cycle over to the gun you want to replenish, or else the battery is wasted, as if Mega Man just eats it by mistake.*

*Later games in the series introduced the Energy Balancer, a purchasable item which automatically refills the weapon that needs refilling even if you don’t have it selected. Why is that a thing you have to buy? Why put a fundamental improvement to the game behind a paywall, virtual or otherwise?

Meanwhile, MM11still employs the same bizarre meter continuity between deaths as past installments. Each death means repeating sections of the stage without reacquiring any previously spent meter, effectively creating a difficulty vortex—the harder this game is, the harder it gets. There was a ruthlessly capitalistic logic to this in the arcade days,but the Mega Man series has never been coin-operated (with a few obscure exceptions). It hasnevermade sense that, often, the best strategy is to voluntarily leap to your death over and over to force a Game Over, just to restart with a full weapon meter as an alternative to the tedium of refilling it manually or facing the boss without it. What is the explanation for this meter continuity in the first place? Are we supposed to think Mega Man is repeatedly exploding and materializing but he can’t materialize a few extra shots from his bubble gun while he’s at it? There’s a multi-faceted idiocy to this whole system.

Rush

Capcom ought to take a long, hard look at Rush, Mega Man’s transforming robot dog companion. It’s hard to believe the same guy who invented a fully autonomous solar-powered robot boy couldn’t design a dog-shaped spring that runs on renewable energy. Special weapons are one thing, but why does Rush have an exhaustible meter? He’s a fucking spring. It makes no sense as a narrative detail nor as an element of game design. What exactly are the designers trying to limit? Your ability to spam high jumps? The logistics of the Rush Coil already do that; you have to set him up like a lawn ornament and he peaces out after a single bound. He’s unspammable, even with a full bar. To begin with, there are rarely that many useful opportunities to use the Rush Coil within a single stage, and energy power-ups are infinite as long as you’re willing to endure the chore of finding them, so it’s not as though the game is challenging you to budget your resources—it’s just discouraging you from searching for those meaningful jump opportunities in the first place. It’s driving you to Google.

Bosses

The Robot Masters have always received special star treatment in the Mega Man games but rarely been very interesting as boss fights. You know the deal: dodge the dizzying hail of projectiles in an empty square room while desperately scrambling to land enough hits with the weakness weapon before you die. Considering all the fanfare these bosses get (mug shot, intro screen, and now reveal trailers), most of them feel kind of interchangeable. Most of them have nearly identical silhouettes and shoot functionally redundant projectiles in superficially different shapes. Every gun is a Lucky Charms marshmallow.

The boss fights actually do seem a little more interesting in Mega Man 11—Block Man in particular stands out with his mid-fight transformation into a hulking colossus. I’d hoped to see more of this in future Mega Mans—fights that evolve and really set each Robot Master apart as a distinct embodiment of its corresponding motif—so maybe they’re onto something this time. Still, it’s a little ridiculous that this game has yet another fire boss, electricity boss, cold boss, and bomb boss. Why are we still here?

Before the mob comes for me, I want to stress that there’s always been lots to love about Mega Man, and I’m glad Capcom is investing in the IP again. I just hope this is the start of a long-term effort to reevaluate and improve the series, not another short-sighted extension of a tired status quo.

[notsoguiltykpop]

FIRST LEMMA SAY hot cocoa is so cute!! and the latest to the tenth floor OMMFMFgbut anyways a while ago i said you inspired me to get back in writing but do you have any tips? i find that i write like, three sentences an hour >_

I’m so happy you liked it!! I honestly don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to writing, but I can definitely try to give you some tips I’ve found work for me! 

My number one rule for myself is to try not to edit while I type. Nothing slows me down more than trying to fix mistakes as I go. Don’t worry about how stuff is spelled or even basic grammar to begin with, just focus on getting your thoughts down. When I’m struggling to keep going and keep changing my mind about how/what I’m writing, I turn off spell check and grammarly so the red underlined words don’t distract me. Alternatively, I grab a notebook and pen so I can’t keep re-wording and just write (unrelated, but I also do this with timed essays in college because I have to work with what I’ve already written, and then I edit while I transfer it from paper to a word document.).

If what you’re working on isn’t going the way you want, don’t feel bad about setting it aside. Sometimes the words just aren’t flowing for a story, and that’s normal. Admin Bread recently reminded me that Jordan Peele stopped writing “Get Out” more than twenty times. While I don’t recommend quitting, I do think it can be really helpful to work on something else if you get stuck on a part. I write snippets of a nameless couple’s life when I feel like writing but none of the stories I want to work on are going quite right. Sometimes even just typing out how I feel helps to get the words flowing!

I never time myself, per se. Years ago, back when I first tried NaNoWriMo, all my friends told me that the best way to write fast was to set a timer and write as many words as possible. This never worked for me–I ended up with random words that usually didn’t even relate to what I was originally trying to say. This doesn’t mean it won’t work for you, only that if it doesn’t, that’s okay too! Instead, I like to set aside designated time to write. Like I’ll look at the time and say “I’m going to focus on writing for the next hour,” put my phone on silent, and close the other tabs on my computer. I take breaks, but they’re usually to make more tea/coffee or stretch, avoiding looking at apps/notifications so I don’t get distracted. 

If I’m at a loss for ideas of what to write next, there are a number of things I do! Prompt blogs are a great place to start–I recently discovered @hellsdemonictrinity and highly recommend checking them out!

Most of my series ideas come from asking myself strange questions, and answering them with illogical answers that are way too detailed. For instance, I have this one Hoseok wip that all started because I was looking at laundry lines and asked my sister “Okay but what if you hang up your laundry and your neighbor just keeps stealing your socks?? Only the left one’s, of course. What would you do? Leave notes in them asking them politely to cut it out?” She told me to shut up, but I just kept on until I had this whole story about neighbors stealing socks and starting a passive-aggressive note-leaving war that eventually leads to romance lmao. Anyway my point is, asking yourself questions can help with the creative process. If I’m in the middle of something and get stuck, asking “why is she feeling this way?” Or “what if he secretly loves elephant plushies?” can lead to some fun answers that get me going again.

Story planners are also really helpful for me! I get terribly sidetracked lol (one minute I’m writing about JK the race-car driver, the next I’m off on some tangent about Jimin the adorable cop whose best friend is a drug dealer rip I get so off topic), and knowing exactly where I’m trying to go with something helps with that! When I find myself just staring blankly at the page like “where am I supposed to go from here?” or just can’t get the words out, I can look back at it and see a clear path of what happens next. There are some great apps out there for free to help with this, but I usually just grab a piece of paper and sketch out a basic outline of the main points.

I keep a notebook with me at all times to jot down ideas or funny phrases as they come to me, so when I’m writing slow I can look back at them. 

I do try to write every day, but not always for stories. Recently I’ve been emailing colleges constantly and working on transfer essays which have taken up most of my writing time. 

And of course, don’t pressure yourself. Writing can be therapeutic and relaxing, but if you get too caught up in “I have to finish this chapter today” or “I need to write 2k words every day” it gets stressful and the fun drains right out of it. I find that I’m much more productive when I simply write what I feel like when I feel like it rather than give myself unnecessary deadlines.

I am not a professional, and have so much more to learn, but I hope some of these helped! Sorry it’s so long, I was trying to think of as much as possible that I do that might answer your questions. Every writer is different, and it’s really a matter of trial and error to figure out what works for you. If there’s anything else I can help with please feel free to ask!

[theabandonedfeelings-blog]

The Infinites

Being a part of this instant family (to me) is one of the most precious thing that ever happened to me. Imo, to meet them was the best thing I experienced in my 2017. We consisted of  8 people. We may look normal, but actually we are real dorks.We have different characters and personality, ofcourse. But fortunately we blended and matched each other so well. I was always so quite and preserve whenever Im with new people, but with them, it is indeed, an exceptional. Being an introvert didnt even help me, but they did, help me. KKN era forced me to adapt faster than I usually did, because we only had 45 days, right? I wasnt even familiar with the idea of 'living with some strangers and doing things together with some strangers'. It was my biggest nightmare to live with people other than family. But KKN really changed the way I perceived something.

There were times when I just wanted to be alone. Whenever Im in my solitary moment, one of them would came up to me, asked, "What are you doing here all alone? Can i join?". Thats why I never been alone while at KKN bcs they always nongol one by one and joined my dont-disturb-me-i-want-to-be-alone-for-a-while corner. Whatevs I did and whenever i went, they could always find me. And somehow I felt thankful for that. That was how they invaded my personal spaces, and made me realize that no matter how introvert you are, you will find comforts if you are being surrounded by the right people.

We named our self The Infinite Team. We had a deep philosophy meaning behind that name. Our group consists of 8 people, eight means infinite. By 'infinite' we hoped that our spirit will be infinity to face infinity problematics that we had when KKN. Sounded cheesy, we knew. But we strived to meet the expectations. We hoped we exceed people expectation by carrying that name. Yea, that name meant alot for us. Others group would consisted of 9 or 10, but since we were only 8 we received less amount of money from uni. It didnt bother us that much. But, our concern was the amount of people we had. We were 2x more tired bcs we lacked of people, compared to others. We used to have double job, cover each other position while finishing our own jobdesk. The plus is : our posko was actually a small house with 3 rooms. By having 8 members we could save space and EVEN WATER (oh god thankyou). We didnt have to queue for too long to take a bath or shalat. We divided the household chores fairly, ex doing dishes (2 people in each meal time), doing laundry (2-4 people in a day), house cleaning, and cooking. We usually did the turn by playing some games. Tho its childish but we found it fun. We used to play UNO every night. Or when we got bored of UNO we switched to other card games, like bohong, werewolf, speed, obat nyamuk, and etc. We used to arrange our schedule every ba'da isya by writing some to do lists in the whiteboard. After Maghrib,I turned the TV and I got scolded alot bcs i always watched naruto. Its not because they dislike naruto, but it was bcs that Naruto eps was being replayed over and over again that they fed up with it. But they still watched it anyway lol, I know you guys would still like it, stop complaining.

Every Saturday noon, we sat together to watch master chef and ninja warrior (our life saver). In Sunday morning we spent some times by having breakfast and watching Doraemon. Every once in a week we went out to eat at some random warung by using 'uang kehidupan'. We would get 'scholarship' to eat gratisan from that uang kehidupan. Yeah we had this habit to give nicknames in every thing. We called a bunch of snacks with 'uang rakyat' bcs we bought it with money from uni. We named our family room with 'ohana room' bcs Ohana means family. We named our flashlights 'Sumber kehidupan' bcs idk?. We named one of our room the 'before after room' bcs we used it to do make up. We had a room called 'logistics room' bcs thats where we keep our logistics. We named a guling as 'Oji's boyfriend' bcs thats how jones she were. We gave a nickname to a middle schooler as 'elsa' because his hands were always cold. And oh, we even gave name to our lovely live safer, 3 motors that we brought along from solo. They are ABut, plat K, and dolphino. We also had 2 cats, named Mendes and Alex. And these are the infinites :

1. Amel

Amel is that person who was in charge of cooking. She liked to take a nap at 13.00 and woke up at 14.30 straightly. She went to sleep early than any other people. She is actually a year older than the rest of us but she is the most innocent. One day she copied Dimma's pick up line, "WTF", thinking it means "astaga" in bahasa indo. She used that word for a week straight until we told her the actual meaning of that phrase. Her favorite activity consisted of taking photos and selfie, and update them on socmeds. She is the softest from all of us tho. She was also in charge of some updates in our instagram. She always got the most numerous bullies but she always nevermind. She could always laughed even for some lame jokes. She likes Spongebob, even she laughed like spongebob. She always lost whenever she plays game. But she tried hard in every Zombie vs Plants game and even counter strikes. One day, i saw her cry in the backyard but i didnt approach her bcs i thought whenever someone's crying I want to give them their space. I thought I would asked her whe she's feeling better, but dammit I forgot, like at all. Im sorry mel, i love you.

2. Ayub

Ayub is our Koordinator Desa or Kordes. He is practically our leader. But he somehow didnt act like a leader. He is the laziest person in this team. We picked him only because his home is in Pati, the Kabupaten we lived in. Ayub is the most narsis person i have ever known. His personality in 16personalities proved that he had the most common personality (16% of the amount of population in the world). He is the antithesis of my personality. He is so extrovert and comfortable to share his thing. He was always plays music using speaker every morning. At first we didnt bother with it, but slowly it annoyed us because his playlist was so damn lame. I knew he was always a dork but, come on, who would download covered songs with clapping sounds in the background. You can just download the actual song instead, Yub, smh. We used to hid that damn speaker to prevent Ayub for playing his music in the early morning. They gave the speaker to me and hoped that I would play better playlists, but I dissapointed them right after bcs i only had 4 songs, and it was all Taylor swift songs. But aside from his weird music taste, he is good at cooking. His level is far higher than mine. He likes to learn new things like the cup song, english, UNO, and even being doctor (we had 2 medical students). He likes to play badminton and always criticized at how I play. He was also dumb at times. But overall, he is a good person.

3. Azis

Azis whose name is everywhere is the most receh person. His jokes were always so lame that sometimes it could make us mad at him. We had to pretend that we didnt hear him joking in order to stop his lame jokes. Aside from that, he is a hardworking person. He is in charge of being the most religious person but somehow he had the dirtiest mind among us. He once said to me that in his campus life, he's known as quiet and preserve type which is the vice versa of the personality he had in KKN. He always had me to do chores and force me to buy things like flour, egg, and etc. His motor is Dolphino. He is the one who always complain at everything. And always saying things that triggered us but ended it like, 'Guys why would you do something stupid like this, CAN I JOIN'. He is dork af but in front of childrens he always in serious mode activated. His works often being underapreciate but he never failed us, always treated us good. He was like our human-reminder. He remind us time to time for some small details. "Guys dont forget that tmrw we still have 100 things to do, lets sleep before its too late". Or. "Guys, did you remember what pak kades said about xxxxx?". Or. "Dont forget to buy this and that." Thankyou for your concern, zis. Just knew that we were bunch of forgetful people, without him, we'd be lost.

4. Bela

Bela was the only one who constantly doing her puasa senin-kamis while KKN. Thats why we gave her exception by ousting her from doing dishes. She might be the most sensitive person among us, but she was also caring and considerate. She is younger than me, but she's all matured. She was the alternate kordes whenever Ayub's not in good mood to talk. She had alotta secret admirers, from children to abang penjual pentol istimewa. She is good with elder people. We can talk about almost everything. Tho she spent the most of time doing make up, she's actually not that girly. She was my partner in magang, doing laundry, and dishes. She was my life saver whenever im lazy driving the motor. Her motor named ABut, and it was my fave.

5. Dimma

Dimma whose name is soooo long is the one who took his most KKN time by annoying others with his childish behaviour. Indeed he is the youngest of our team. He is lowkey soft and caring. He onced renewed ABut's oli, he brought us food even without us asking, he made sure that everyone got their rights. He's just our precious youngest. He's good at fixing electronical problems. He was my partner in everyday's life. He took me round the village and helped me filmed using dslr. He gave me input and critics abt my editing. He was my partner on doing dishes. He laughed with me tho its past midnight while we did our own works and the others were mad at us bcs they were sleeping. He was the one who accompanied me stargazing in teras. One day we had to begadang because it was almost deadline and we havent finished our works. He was doing his presentations and I was busy doing the after movie. We were working quitely on our own works bcs we didnt want to disturb the others bcs our sounds. At 01.00 am we got tired and i asked him random things but we ended up having a serious deep talk about life. He was the one who made fun of my name by calling me Karizzza. It annoyed me at first, but I was sorta get used with my name being made fun of. I once told them that my name is meaningless (i didnt mean to say like that, it was because im mad). But in the end, at his letter he told me this, "The name in which you think is meaningless actually have a great meaning, it is a hope and prayer from your parents. It defines how strong you were and what you will be in the future. Dont hate your name okay." And that was everyone, the first time he ever called me Karizsa.

6. Iim

I cannot find proper words to describe how grateful i am to be in the same team with her. She is, as everybody knows, my bestfriend in campus. We are in the same class and even in the same queer. She is so critical, open minded, respectful, thoughtful, and reliable + dependable. She is full package. She always ordered to be MC in everty formal event. She ate the most than the rest of us, but she didnt gain weight. She's known for her smol and short figure and always busy with her phone. She had her most time by catching up news and watching GOT spoiler on yutub. We had the same obsession with Blackpink's song As if it your last. We came from the same faculty, so our way of thinking were more in political way. Thats why sometimes our opinions were divided between them and me & iim. At the end, we'd find a way, we got this. Me and her, We spoiled each other alot bcs weve known for sooo long. We cursed at each other in everyday life bcs thats just how bestfriend works. That bij, i love her.

7. Oji

I think my team didnt deserve Oji. She is the kindest, the most humble and easy going among us. Tho she didnt understand javanese, she always takes her time by learning javanese phrases, even made effort by writing it in books so she can memorize later. She brought half of her stuffs to posko. She brought along her car which takes 4 hours long from solo. She is strong independent woman, even she rode a pickup car that none of boys cannot ride. She is true gamer and half eater. She always tell stories abt her family and her campus life. Her family is somehow looked like bunch of gag (based on her story). She got calls from her family time to time. She was my dumb & dumber partner. Oji is a lil bit crybaby tho. She cried the most while KKN. She is a medical student, but her acts didnt say so. Hahahaha. One day, he told us this : "Do u know what make me grateful to be in this team? Thats because you never say that phrase." "What phrase?", Asked us. " 'Im embarassed being your friend' ". We felt so soft. And thats it. I enjoyed being with them. Tbh it was the best 45 days I've spent in my entire life so far. Well spent. It was such an unforgettable story to live with these seven dorks. Even after our KKN life ended, im still bragging to my other friends about them. They did the same too. I learnt a lot from them. Thanks guys for making my KKN life better than it should be. I guess ‘thankyou’ is just an understatement word to describe how grateful I am to have them.

I should've disappointed bcs i didnt get to KKN in my own kabupaten. But instead, God came with a better plan. When i shared abt KKN life with my campus friends, they mostly complained about how bad their teamwork or any conflicts happened within their team. But thanks God, i've never experienced that, at all. We were so lucky to have each other. At the last day, we wrote a letter to each other. One of it said, "Im so thankful to be in the same team with these strong people".p>

And yeah, we all were thankful for having each other, dont we?

Let’s meet again now and in the future, guys.

[kinosternon]

(CW: abstract discussions of abuse, several heaping spoonfuls of new-adult angst. Also, length—this is like 2,000 words lol)

This particular story, such as it is, starts with me chatting with a very close friend of mine over Skype, and looking through my email at the same time. (Me and this friend are the type of close where we Skype once a week and they play video games or code while I browse the Internet and watch whatever they’re up to, so a certain amount of multitasking is par for the course.) I’m a big fan of StoryBundle and related stuff, so when I came across their Write Stuff 2017 bundle (https://storybundle.com/writing), I remember that I’d bought a similar bundle of theirs last year, and went to check it out.

It actually wasn’t the first time I’d looked it over. I’ve been trying to give up writing for the past several months, and been through a similar cycle several times: get fed up with the pressure of writing, decide to give up on writing altogether, feel a lot better, start thinking about writing again—without so much as opening a document or a notebook. Reading the descriptions for the bundle got me thinking about the whole pattern, and I said out loud to my friend, “Reading about writing feels like looking through an ex’s Facebook.”

Then I stopped and thought about what I’d said, because it did. That was exactly what it felt like. So I started to wonder why.

~

As a white, male, able-bodied 20-something in the United States who attended a liberal arts college and tries to be at least politically aware, if not politically active, I find the narrative of abuse survival to be one that’s ineffectual to apply to myself. Have I been in some shitty situations with people? 

…Yeah. I have. 

Have I caused some shitty situations? Without a shadow of a doubt, though I’m pretty hopeful about the idea that I’ve never been outright abusive. Certainly I’ve never been so intentionally, but intention can only get a person so far.  

I struggled for a long time with the idea that I may have experienced abusive situations in my childhood and beyond, and now I’m more or less at peace with the idea that abuse is a narrative that I don’t feel comfortable applying to my life experiences so far. I heard a lot about abuse growing up—which is good, it’s absolutely vital to spread that knowledge—but not a lot about what to do and how to go forward when a relationship is just shit, and that left me stuck for a while. It really wasn’t fun.

Still, eventually, I figured out an answer to the latter question I’m comfortable with. I don’t need to be able to prove, to myself or anyone else, that a relationship is abusive for me to want to leave it. I think more people out there need to remember that, especially because the myth of needing proof is often used by abusers themselves.

To believe and be properly sympathetic to people who had undergone abuse, I had to understand that their concerns were not my concerns—that I am not, in my head, part of the “survivors of abuse” identity group. Anything else was harmful to me, and both disrespectful and detrimental to the people I might encounter during my attempts to be a good ally.

Abuse, at the moment, isn’t a helpful way for me to frame my relationships. Negativity and toxicity, on the other hand, absolutely are. I started feeling a lot less anxious when I started applying more shades of subtlety to my emotions and experiences.

~

Time and circumstance can change relationship dynamics a lot. Lately, I’ve reconnected with a friend whom I’d labeled “toxic” pretty vibrantly in my head, and whom I’ve got a complicated history with. I turned the idea over in my head for months, dismissing it as a bad idea with more and more reluctance each time. In the end, fairly sure of the reasonableness of the idea, I followed through on the impulse to contact them online. Turns out the friend was not only still happy to hear from me, they were in a much better place than they’d been back when I cut off contact. And I’m in a better place now, too. They don’t test my boundaries anymore, and even if they did, I’d feel much more sure about enforcing them.

Having this friend back in my life has been enjoyable and enriching. Another source of support in life is always welcome.

I’ve made some new friends, too, and both reconnecting with sour friendships and making new ones that I’m okay with require a certain amount of emotional resilience. I’ve been trying to cultivate a strong sense of self-worth, agency, and self-reliability independent of those friendships, and it’s been helping.  

I’m not quite sure what to call the more welcoming side of those efforts, though. Tolerance, forgiveness, and patience all have different undertones. I think it’s somewhere between the three, and I’m still testing out the way those nuances shift depending on the specific circumstance. And they all start with an awareness of my own limits, and the feeling that I’m always allowed to stop and walk away.

~

Anyway, this was a story about writing. Setting boundaries for yourself is important, I thought, as I considered where the thought of “writing as shitty ex” had come from. If I kept shying away from writing all this time, then maybe it really was a toxic relationship.

The problem is, writing isn’t a person. I don’t ascribe very hard to any one particular class of thought or pedagogy when it comes to writing, either, so as far as I can tell that isn’t the difficulty. It’s still possible that outside influences are building up and forming an unpleasant imagined persona, like an unwelcoming audience. But for a little while now, I’ve been trying to curtail instances of random exposure to the displeasure of strangers, and by now that influence has noticeably lessened. So what was going on?

When I thought about it in those terms, it wasn’t too hard to reach a perplexing conclusion: I’m in a bad relationship with writing, and I’m the only person in that relationship.

I’m all the moving parts. Just me. Which led me to wonder, what am I doing to myself that I haven’t consciously realized?

~

I recently started tutoring a couple of kids in creative writing through Skype call. (Someone thought it was a good idea to put an advertisement on a freelancing website, instead of a tutoring-specific one, but that’s another story, and one that I know very little about.) The first couple of lessons were a little bit awkward, until one of the parents clued me in to the idea of working through prompts in class, instead of assigning things and providing feedback. Then a couple of online resources mentioned the idea of working along with the kids on exercises, so I tried that, too.

I would’ve figured it was a bad idea, putting them on the spot or accidentally showing off, but so far both strategies seem to be working. It’s been good to show that even a teacher can’t think of everything on a tight schedule, that what I come up with is imperfect or incomplete. And better still, I’ve gotten into the habit of waiting a little longer for answers, continuing to ask prompt past the first, dubious or hesitant response. I’ve been asking a lot of “Why?”, and making games out of brainstorming. It’s been fun, and I’d like to think I’m not the only one learning.

I think I’ve forgotten how important patience is in writing, as in many other things.

~

One summer, between semesters of college, I tried living with friends. It was a lot of fun, but there were parts that were very stressful—specifically, the coming-up-with-rent part. I managed to land a decent ghostwriting job, but it wasn’t enough to keep up with bills, not by a long shot. (I was extremely privileged to have parents that were willing to come up with some of the difference, without which I would have been very ill-advised even to try.) So I tried to balance an internship or two alongside it, which ultimately led to me keeping abreast of chores and stressing instead of working on everything else.

Near the end of the summer, desperately trying to make up a huge word deficit on a ghostwriting project, I set myself a goal: 24,000 words in 24 hours. A quota of 1,000 words an hour, with permission to do whatever I wanted each hour, after hitting that point.

I managed it, almost getting to the end of the piece. I don’t think I so much as opened the document for eight weeks afterward. I blew far past the intended deadline, and in the meantime, my client moved on to greener writing pastures. I was never paid for that project.

I didn’t realize until years later that ever since then, something related to the writing part of me has felt injured—that it feels like something got sprained inside.

~

People talk about their inner editors. Whatever that particular force in my head is, I’m not sure it counts as just an editor anymore.

My editorial sense is just fine when it comes to other people. I like providing developmental edits. I’m good at line-editing and formatting. I’ve interned at a literary agency, and, as mentioned above, worked as a ghostwriter before that. I occasionally beta-read fanfic and/or critique friends’ work for fun. I like fixing other people’s writing, and I like meeting them where they are in their efforts to improve their technique.

Moreover, I’m pretty confident of my technical writing ability. I know how to put together a sentence. I’m as susceptible to typos as the next person, but otherwise my error rate is pretty low. I’ve got a working sense of structure, pacing, and style. I actually know how to format dialogue correctly, how to use a long dash and a semicolon, and the difference between a too-long sentence and a run-on.

That doesn’t mean I don’t still have a long way to go—that’s the nature of writing. (See: I write long sentences even when I shouldn’t, and I’m far too fond of italics.) But I’m not all that self-conscious about any of that, really. It doesn’t bug me.

No, I’m just completely certain of my inability to have ideas. Or, having miraculously had an idea that I didn’t immediately tear to pieces, to actually sit down and start. Or, having started, to muddle through the middle, let alone finish. Or, having somehow finished, to have the self-discipline to do any revision whatsoever.

I “know” these things just won’t ever happen—that I “can,” but that I won’t. And I “know” that I shouldn’t give up on one of my most-developed skills. But when I finally gave myself permission to give up—to move on to something I haven’t built up to be so utterly wraught—I felt a lot better. And thus the cycle began.

Even getting to that point—feeling like I deserved a chance to walk away—was in itself a kind of growth. But I think I’m ready to try moving beyond it. I’m just not sure what direction “beyond” will be in.

~

I’m slowly circling around a choice. Like water spiraling around a drain, or one of those pennies in a black-hole model at the mall. (Anyone else remember those?) I could try to break free—I’m fairly certain that I can, to whatever degree I want, though there would be parts of it that would hurt. But I don’t think I want to.

I’m not going to let writer-me take over my life again anytime soon. I don’t want to give him any power, because or the past few years he’s done the opposite of earn it. But I might be willing to get back together with him, for a bit of a trial run. The equivalent of a re-friending on Facebook and maybe catching up over coffee.

I find myself curious as to how it might go.