#why do I live in the middle of no where?

[ashmint-corner]

At this point I’m so ready to start commissioning short stories for money.

What’s that? You want a cute little gay story for $100? I got you

What? An extremely small paragraph full of beauty and words for $5? Shooooottt sign me up

A detailed 20k words story complete with all kinds of cuteness and unexpected twists and turns? If you pay me well I’m here for it.

Man you could even ask me to write an article covering LGBTQ or a movie or something. I am on my last leg and my anxiety can’t handle the work force. Am I the only one who can’t do stuff if I’m not properly motivated and stimulated?

I don’t even mind editing or proofreading, I’m genuinely honoured once I’m paid my worth.

I know what you’re thinking…

Ash why don’t you go to school?

First of all- who’s dropping like 4k on a degree, depression and the destruction of my mental health? I just wanna write and read

Second, if I gotta suffer through anxiety attacks every time I leave my house again I won’t be having it.

I wanna do art commissions but only when I’ve reached my standard of good art honestly.

No seriously though, I will write stuff for money….. once it’s legal.

Oh btw please support my story as I write and publish it! I should actually advertise that! There’s so much to do!

[swordheld]

hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

[coquelicoq]

it's okay if i get final jeopardy right as long as at least one contestant also gets it right. otherwise you are going to make me cocky. that is not going to end well for anyone!!!!

[galsinspace]

Dear god my little sister has no real world perspective on politics

A young woman working a firmly middle class job who still lives with her parents, no expenses, never had to struggle with money, will never be rich either, and her political opinions boil down to "we shouldn't spend more money on pensions because it will come out of my taxes"

Talking about anything political with her is so insanely frustrating like she really thinks that she is the one most affected by taxes, and simultaneously she thinks that she's in danger of poverty at an old age. Girl there are politicians who want to fight elderly poverty but you think they're trying to steal from you???

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

why is job hunting.

that's it that's the post

[i-like-books-and-women]

Okay so my newest brain worm is kinda based around how after Zach comes out to Jon and Angel and they're like "omg bro thank you for telling us we love you" pretty much instantly Angel looks back between Zach and Ruben once or twice and is like "Shut the fuck up you're dating" and they're like "I mean like we haven't really talked about that but like-" and Angel essentially goes "Ooh friends with benefits? Based." And I kinda forgot how perceptive he is at times so I think it'd be really funny if he just straight up missed a lot of subtext but can clock any romantic/sexual developments/activities in any of them pretty much instantly. If Jon started dating someone he knew the next time he saw him without being told. He knew Zach and Ruben were gonna get engaged before it had even happened and sent them a congratulations text like the day after despite not being told, not seeing them in person for a hot second, and the fact that they didn't live together anymore.

[lloydfrontera]

i think it fucks immensely that bk moon went out of his way to 1) establish rakiel wished to live a long life and eventually pass away of old age, 2) have him very briefly envy an immortal being only to be told very clearly to be careful what he wishes for by that very same person because living forever isn't all it's cracked up to be, 3) make the main antagonist be another immortal being who is so desperate to die he's willing to destroy the universe just to finally rest and 4) have said antagonist psychologically torture rakiel with the threat of making him live for a thousand years as everyone he loves and knows eventually grows old and dies and becomes nothing but forgotten memories.

only to then end the novel by making rakiel also immortal

like. god. it's so fucking good i love it. i'm not being sarcastic i genuinely think it fucks and it's one of the best ways bk moon could've wrapped up the plot.

it's a happy ending by all means but it has consequences and through the entire novel we've been shown and told over and over again just how heavy the consequences are and/or will be on rakiel.

he got his happy ending but it was at a price and by the last time we see him he's only just starting to pay for it.

it's great i love it

[naughtynanzhu]

I can't do a single fucking chore man I'm so fucking useless I wish I was dead LMAOOOOO

[atomiclace]

who knew that some agere people would be the worst type of people to exist (talking about you spinny)

[heartshattering]

5 AM

Just me and my overactive mind facing the nighttime again 🙃

[fingertipsmp3]

I love the sims 2 because it will completely wreck your shit right when you’re least expecting it

[brown-little-robin]

Sometimes I enjoy my history of rhetoric class, and other times I want to scream WHY DO WE ONLY CARE ABOUT THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE SPEAKING TO THE LARGEST POSSIBLE AUDIENCE?!?!

[upsidedog]

a little over a month after max ended things with lucas a girl in her spanish class aproched her and asked if “lucas sinclar” is single. apparently she thinks he’s cute and has seen them hanging out. “no, he isn’t single” is what max wants to say because if she sticks to her plan of mourning their relationship for the rest of high school so should he, even if max was the one who broke it off. but max is a good person so she says “yeah he’s single.” but not that good so she adds “he just got out of a relationship though, and he’s not over her” and since she’s already crossed that first line “i actually wouldn’t even try.”

max only lasts an hour or two before she feels so guilty she tells lucas there’s a girl in her spanish class that he should ask out cause she thinks he’s cute. lucas is a little offended that his ex is trying to play matchmaker on principle but also because he was sort of planning on mourning his and max’s relationship for the rest of high school

[icewindandboringhorror]

Recent game related things .. hrmm...

[sodacowboy]

so many weird dreams and I can’t even remember like half of them

[talkorsomething]

want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald