#why do I always decide to try projects beyond my skill level?

[redwolf17]

Current Me: hmm, so I can’t/shouldn’t be on my phone during family time, but I can’t just Sit Still or I will die

2021 Me: hey, remember that knitting phase we had before The Weirwood Queen ate our soul and free time?

Current Me: … uh. The phase that ended when we decided to try knitting lace because it can’t be that hard?

2021 Me: 😈

2023 Me: 🥵

[antianakin]

I actually personally PREFER it as a skill that can be learned. Because then it becomes one of the few things within high canon that is specifically a skill you CANNOT do as a "darksider" because it requires a lot of acceptance and mindfulness and emotional stability and balance with yourself and the universe.

Like it should be something very DIFFICULT, sure, but it's the explanation that works the best for me rather than the kind-of fantastical wishy washy whimsical explanation of "it just happens to some special people sometimes."

I think it fits better with the way the Jedi are portrayed and my personal interpretations of them that the skills they have, and the special things they can do, are things they have to work really hard for. That it can take YEARS of effort and a lot of emotional labor, but that it ultimately pays off and is all worth it.

My headcanon for how Qui-Gon fits into that is that it's a skill the Jedi once knew more about, was a tad bit more common way long ago, but has simply fallen out of style a bit and now no one really knows about it. There's no particular reason why, time just... does that sometimes. The Jedi moved on from learning how to do it or something and Qui-Gon maybe stumbles upon it doing research for one mission or another, or the Force led him to pick up a random book in the Archives one day and Qui-Gon being who he is, decides to just... try it, see what he can do. And he doesn't necessarily discuss it with anyone else because he has no way of even knowing if he's succeeded and doesn't want anyone's judgment for his personal pet project, so when he dies, no one has any way of knowing this could even happen until he connects with Yoda.

I don't think it makes it cheap at all that anybody could do it if they worked hard enough at it, I think it fits right into some of the best themes of Star Wars that it's always about CHOICE, that you can always CHOOSE to be better, choose to be more knowledgeable, choose to be more compassionate and mindful. It doesn't take a certain genealogy or something in your blood to be a good person, it just takes intentional effort.

Personally, I think it's the other way around, it cheapens it if only certain specific special people get to do it because the narrative deems them special and no other real reason beyond that. Obi-Wan isn't special to me because he happens to be born extra enlightened, he's special because he has to work every DAY to be mindful and forgiving and compassionate and willing to let go of his own demons and accept the darkness in the world exists while still resolving to fight against it as best he can. It's so much more meaningful to his character if he gets to reach that extra level of enlightenment through hard work rather than just the whims of the universe picking him at random.

Which is why I would have found it SO MUCH MORE SATISFYING if Anakin didn't Ghost at the end. Because he IS chosen by the universe effectively at random, and he HAD the opportunity to become someone special but chooses over and over again to be the world's greatest asshole instead. And so he SHOULDN'T get to reach that extra level in the end simply because he does... one slightly half way selfless thing? Up against people like Obi-Wan and Yoda who have committed, hang on lemme count, oh right, ZERO GENOCIDES. Let Anakin just accept his fate, just fade away into the universe. He hasn't done the work, and even his status as a chosen one of the Force should not negate the fact that he didn't do the work.

I think what I'm starting to realize is that Darth Vader is redeemable.

Anakin Skywalker is not.

Darth Vader, the guy we're introduced to in the Original Trilogy, who we don't really know anything about, who Obi-Wan remembers fondly even as we know he's gone bad, who ISN'T associated with the end of the Jedi. Erase all the context of what we now know about Anakin Skywalker, his relationships with the Jedi, his actions on Tatooine, the way he treats Padme, his relationships with the clones, his relationship with Ahsoka, all of that. Erase it all.

All we have is Darth Vader. A guy whose worst acts are honestly relatively small and who is almost always up against a bigger villain. It's Tarkin who technically orders the destruction of Alderaan. And Tarkin dies at the end. By ESB, we start seeing the Empire and Vader's relationship to Luke is revealed, someone we love, someone we want the best for. So when you get to ROTJ and Luke says he might still have good in him, minutes before we meet the Emperor himself in person, it's not that hard to believe him. It's not that hard to believe that one last act of kindness is all it takes to absolve him.

Put everything else aside, JUST looking at the Original Trilogy, Vader's.... not THAT bad. His redemption works fine.

But Anakin Skywalker? Anakin Skywalker's been killing babies since he was 19 years old and never stopped. Anakin Skywalker betrayed 10,000 people who considered him family overnight. Anakin Skywalker betrayed several million good men into being brainwashed and turned into betrayers themselves. Anakin Skywalker betrayed the Republic he served, and the wife he did it all for.

You don't come back from that. You just don't.

Darth Vader without Anakin Skywalker's story was redeemable.

NOTHING Darth Vader ever does in the original trilogy is at the level of what we see Anakin Skywalker do over the course of the prequel trilogy and The Clone Wars show. Nothing. Nothing comes close except Alderaan and that's nowhere near as personal or direct as what he does to the Jedi and the Clones. It's also not a betrayal of any kind.

Anakin Skywalker's not redeemable. What he did can't be undone or fixed. There's no amends he can make because the people he'd need to make amends TO are all dead. Because of him. There's nothing left to BE redeemed.

And most of us CAN'T divorce Darth Vader from Anakin Skywalker anymore, you're not really meant to. They usually WANT you to remember Anakin Skywalker when they bring in Darth Vader to stories these days. Which makes that last moment of ROTJ just feel... so unearned now. So frustrating. Because the more we get to see, the more we're forced to remember everything Anakin Skywalker's done over the course of his life, the less his redemption works. Because the more we see, the more atrocities are revealed. More massacres, more murders, more planets and people eradicated from the galaxy forever. At what point does it become impossible to truly be redeemed for everything you've done? At what point is it impossible to ACTUALLY go back?

And it doesn't matter which version of the force ghost you get, either. If it's the older version, then Anakin gets to present himself as if he'd never done those things. If it's the younger version, then Anakin gets to present himself ONLY before he did some of his worst acts (although he's still a baby killer, let's not forget, so that's... suspect). Either way, the things he's done get to be forgotten. They no longer matter. Those people he killed, the people he betrayed, who will never be the same as they were. The galaxy he helped bring to its knees over and over again, that will take decades AT LEAST to recover from what he did to it, can't forget. But he gets to. He gets to forget.

And I don't find that very satisfying anymore.

[songmingisthighs]

[9.45] yeosang × single mom!reader

⇀ being a single mom, you'd obviously be worried about your child's wellbeing. In this case though? Your child's relationship with your boyfriend. But honestly, this is Kang Yeosang we're talking about, what could possibly go wrong?

When you got home that afternoon, the last thing you expected to see was your apartment being so quiet.

You've raised a beautiful baby girl on your own so it's only natural for you to experience chaos every day and ever since little Jueun started kindergarten, her social skills had progressed slightly.

Jueun, the light of your life, is a shy little girl, having only several constant people in her life which made her not so easily open to other people that she had just met. While other children would run off to make friends on the first day of kindergarten, Jueun went straight to the book collection about dinosaurs.

Yes, dinosaurs.

She's a little quirky like that.

Ask her what she wanna be when she grows up, she'll tell you she wants to be a princess with a pet ankylosaurus.

Knowing her introversion, you had hesitated on letting your boyfriend, Yeosang, and her to meet. It's not because you're afraid that they won't like each other or that Jueun would feel that you'd force him as her new daddy, but simply because you're afraid that they won't have anything to talk about.

You initially introduced them to each other when you had been in a relationship with Yeosang for 3 months, before that you had only told both of them stories about the other, buttering them up to like the other.

Not so surprisingly though, Yeosang had told you that he likes Jueun even before meeting her. Which was a relief to say the least. So when they met, Yeosang tried so hard to make Jueun like him. This effort doesn't go unnoticed by the little girl, but she didn't immediately take a liking to him. You've always been there to mediate between the two even though they had known each other for well over half a year now.

Today however, you had no other choice but to ask Yeosang for help picking Jueun up from kindergarten as you were swamped with a project at work.

Yeosang was more than happy to provide aid, but the notion that he'd be alone with the kid whom he doesn't know whether or not she likes him almost made him puke.

But he sucked it up.

He walk up to the gates of the kindergarten, approaching the teacher on standby, "I'm Kang Yeosang, I'm here to pick Jueun (Y/L/N) from class A-3," he said, smiling awkwardly. The teacher smiled brightly at him while nodding, "of course! Ms. (Y/L/N) called in earlier and told us that you'll be picking her up, I'll go get her," then she walked into the building to get Jueun.

Whilst waiting, Yeosang could feel himself sweating a little, nervous about how Jueun would react when seeing him instead of her mom.

When he saw Jueun came out with her backpack strapped on, looking cuter than a bunny with marshmallows stuffed into its cheeks, he smiled brightly at her.

Jueun's eyes wide when she saw Yeosang, having been familiar with him but never really surpasses any significant level with him.

"Hey, Jueun-ie," Yeosang greeted, crouching down to her height. She smiled shyly at him, making his insides clench at the effortless adorableness. "Your mommy need to work a little longer, would it be alright if I take you home?" Honestly, Yeosang didn't know why he asked that in the first place, but knowing that this particular little kid is smarter than most kids her age, he felt like the question was appropriate.

A sudden look of determination appeared on Jueun's face as she nodded eagerly. She knew how important she and Yeosang is to you. Knowing how much you love and provide for her, she's beyond willing to try and let Yeosang in.

Yeosang stood up and was about to walk but Jueun raised her right hand up at him, "safety, mommy said I have to hold her hand at all times, so I should hold yours," she said.

Hearing that, Yeosang smack his forehead dramatically, "ugh! Of course! How bad of me to be so careless!" He said as he grab Jueuen's hand as she giggled at how silly he sounded.

During the walk, Yeosang tried asked her questions about what she did at kindergarten that day. Surprisingly, Jueun blabbered long about what she did, what she ate, who did what, and when was that.

As they walk home, Jueun suddenly stopped her steps in front of the convenience store right outside your apartment. When her steps halt, Yeosang's too.

Yeosang was about to ask her why she stopped walking but Jueun was already looking at him with her best puppy eyes. He crouched down in front of her, "what's wrong Jueun-ie? Why did you stop?" he asked to which Jueun pouted and pointed at the convenience store, "I want ice cream," she said sadly.

Her eyes alone rendered him defenseless. But he was hesitant because he knows that this is not his kid and he doesn't know whether or not you'd let her eat ice cream.

"I don't know, Jueun," he muttered, scratching the back of his head with his free hand. Realizing he's not outwardly saying no, Jueun pulled out the big guns, "pleeeeeease," she whined, wrapping her tiny arms around Yeosang's neck, "please, daddy, please," she pleaded as her pout deepens.

The use of the 'd' word-

No, not THAT 'd' word.

The use of said 'd' word made Yeosang's eyes widen to its maximum extent.

"D-d-did you j-just called m-me..." he trailed off, not really able to said the word himself. Whether or not Jueun realizes how much the word affect Yeosang was unclear, but she definitely knows, based on Yeosang's expression that she's getting what she wants.

"Please, daddy?" she asked one more time.

And true to her prediction, Yeosang scooped her in his arms and walked into the convenience store, letting her pick any ice cream she wants.

Jueun now knows that she has Yeosang in the palm of her hands by simply uttering the word 'daddy' to him.

Which is why as you got home at 7.30, you were greeted with the sight of Yeosang and Jueun in her little tea party table, wearing a tiara and pretending to sip some pretend tea.

Oh, and best part is. Yeosang is also wearing a tiara and a pink feather boa around his neck.

"Wow, you guys seem to be having a lot of fun together," you smirked, breaking their conversation as the little girl jumps up and run to hug your legs.

Yeosang stood up as well, pulling the feather boa from around his neck to set it on the table. He walked closer and peck your lips, "welcome home, love, how was work?" you sighed and shook your head at his question, "disastrous, but I don't wanna talk about it, I wouldn't want to ruin the fun that you're both having right now," you grinned down at Jueun, "how did you manage to get Yeosang to wear a tiara, baby?"

Jueun shook her head excitedly, "I didn't, mommy! Daddy put it himself!" your eyes widened at her choice of pronoun, snapping your head towards Yeosang who had a big, proud grin on his face, "yeah... I guess I'm her daddy now," he chuckled as Jueun decided to run out of the room.

"Yeosang, we never talked about this," you said to him lowly, not really wanting Jueun to hear your worries. Yeosang's grin dropped to a frown as he steps closer to you, taking both of your hands in his, "why? Do you not want her to see me as a father figure?" "It's not that, it's just," you paused, thinking of the right words before continuing, "I don't want her to be attached to someone she considered her dad only for that someone to leave her,"

Hearing that from you made Yeosang realize that it wasn't just you worrying over Jueun, but you're also worrying about yourself too and how it would affect you and Jueun if he leaves.

Smiling gently at you, Yeosang leaned his forehead against yours, "you don't have to worry about me leaving because I'm not gonna, I'm gonna stay with you both until you all get sick of me and kick me to the curb," he joked, making you laugh, "so please, can we celebrate the fact that Jueun called me dad and that I'm moving in with you two?"

You raised an eyebrow at him, "who said you're moving in with us?" "I did, yeah, Jueun's convinced there's an evil sorcerer living in her closet and I promised her that I'll shoo him away every night before bedtime,"

It warms your heart knowing that your two favorite person got along so well. Had you known that leaving them both alone together would end up like this, you would've done it months ago.

You were about to comment on him moving in again when suddenly Jueun's voice was heard from the kitchen, "daddy! I can't- I can't reach the ice cream!"

As soon as you both heard that, you narrowed your eyes at Yeosang, "you bought my kid ice cream?" to which he rolled his eyes at you, "well she's my kid now too," he defended. You couldn't believe that you'd ever hear him say that but hearing that he's Jueun's dad seems so natural to you.

Giggling, you pushed him out of Jueun's room, "well then, please go and handle your daughter,". He blushed slightly as he tried to suppress the grin that was threatening to form on his face. So he opted to ran to Jueun.

But before he could walk too far, you grab his hand to say something.

"By the way, congrats on being a dad,"

[t0wnspersonb]

Hot Springs (Ushijima Wakatoshi x Reader)

Word Count: 2,570

Rated: Explicit

Warnings: SMUT, bad language, public, my shit writing, Ushijima being a beautiful man

Summary: You couldn’t remember the last time you and Ushijima got to spend proper time together, so when he suggests going to the hot springs for a date how could you refuse? Although, you two are doing a bit more than just enjoying the hot water. 

~~~~

GUYS! I know it’s been a fucking minute😫 I’m still trying to get my shit together for school lmao. BUT I’ve been working on this fic for a while tbh, I was just never motivated to finish it until recently. I apologize in advance if it’s trash😂 BUT, I do have a couple of things to go over. First of all, thank you guys so much for being patient with me the past couple of weeks, I’ve definitely missed putting content out to you guys, I’ve just been super busy with life and school. Second of all, I know I have requests sitting in my inbox, I will do them. Eventually. The only reason why I’m even posting something new is because this story was already in the works, so since it’s done I decided to post it (it’s probably garbage idk lol). Third of all, I love you guys so much  😘😘😘😘 it’s been such a joy writing for you all, and I hope I continue to put out content you guys enjoy! As always, this story is dedicated to @sunshinewitchz​ because she’s the biggest Wakatoshi simp I know, and I love her so much and her endless support. 

I hope you guys enjoy the story! Please let me know what you think of it😊😊

~~~~

“- Would you like to go?” Ushijima’s deep voice filtered through your ears; although you only heard the last part, you had no idea what he had said beforehand.

 “Hmm?” you finally looked up at him, the paint brush in your hand stilled.

 A soft frown coated his lips, sometimes you were far too engrossed in your art projects. Usually he didn’t mind, today was different though. It had been two weeks since the last time he had seen you, both of you far too busy to make time to spend together.

 Of course, he would want your undivided attention, he missed you. 

 “I’m sorry Toshi, what were you saying?” you smiled sheepishly at him, carefully setting down the paintbrush, your eyes focused on him completely now.

 “The hot springs. Do you want to go?” He asked again, his eyes flickering over your face.

 Your lips pursed, your brain wracking through the dates to make sure you didn’t already have a prior commitment. “When?”

 He let out another sigh, Ushijima loved you deeply, but when painting was involved… well, you were in a completely different world to the point that it was hard to hold a conversation with you.

 But he also loved your passion for it, he loved how talented you were, how confident you were in your skills. It was proven time and time again whenever you produced your master pieces.

 Although, all your artwork in his eyes were masterpieces.

 You were the best masterpiece of all. Ushijima could stare at you for hours, he could watch you paint for hours, but right now, he wanted to be your sole focus.

 “Do you want to go to the hot springs with me tomorrow?” he asked once more.

 “Okay.” You smiled brightly at him, you didn’t have anything to do tomorrow, except to drop off a painting. Any chance you got to spend with Ushijima you would take. 

 “Okay.” he repeated, a soft smile coating his lips. “Finish up, we’ll go get food once you’re done.”

 You definitely loved Ushijima.

 ***

 “Ushijima-senpai! Y/n-senpai!” Goshiki exclaimed in surprise. “What are you doing here!?”

 “Your grandma asked for a commission piece! I’m just dropping it off now.” You smiled widely. “I didn’t know you would be here today!”

 “I-I’m just visiting.” he stuttered out, his eyes awkwardly flickering over to Ushijima who paid him no mind, his eyes scanning the outer exterior of the house.

 “I need to collect the money; do you know where she is?” You asked sweetly.

 “She’s out in the garden, please come in.” He said awkwardly, stepping aside. 

 “I won’t be long Toshi!” You said cheerfully, pardoning yourself before you entered the home, leaving Goshiki and Ushijima standing at the entrance.

 “This is nice wood, is it oak?” Ushijima asked suddenly, his eyes tracing over the large door.

 “I don’t know Senpai…”

 Silence once again surrounded them, but like you had said, the exchange didn’t take too long as you came walking up to the volleyball players cheerfully.

 “All set Toshi! Let’s head out yeah?” you smiled up at him.

 He nodded before taking your hand into his and waving goodbye at the male.

 “Bye Goshiki! See you around!” you called out behind your shoulder.

 Sometimes it was a wonder how you and Ushijima ended up together. The concept of “opposites attract” seemed to be in play for this. 

 Your bright and bubbly personality contrasted greatly with his. Ushijima’s blunt and rough exterior was the complete opposite of your gentle and easygoing one. 

 However, you guys shared one trait, and that was the undeniable confidence you guys had in your skills. Ushijima with volleyball, and you with art.

 But despite the contrasting personalities, your relationship worked, the love and respect you guys had for one another was always present.

 “That was really nice of that lady to give us our own spring. I didn’t even know that a place like this could have private ones!” You said happily as you guys walked towards the changing rooms.

 “Yeah.” Ushijima nodded briefly, “see you in a bit.”

 You grinned at him widely before skipping off into your own changing room. 

 You bummed softly to yourself as you began undressing. The showers felt incredible against your skin and you couldn’t help but sigh in content, a trip to the hot springs was something that you definitely needed after working so hard on your commissions.

 You carefully wrapped yourself in the towel and started heading towards the spring. The change in temperature caused a shiver to run through your body, shuddering gently as the steam curled around your damp shoulders. You breathed in the soft scent of earth, sighing softly as your body relaxed in the hot springs air. 

 Your eyes scanned over the area, before pausing on a figure that left your heart racing and your stomach flipping.

 Ushijima paid no attention to his surroundings; his stare was focused on the scenery before him. But that gave you plenty of time to drink in the tall male before you.

 He was truly the most beautiful person you’ve ever met before. His broad shoulders and rippling back muscles were completely exposed to your greedy eyes. 

 How you ended up with such a beautiful man was beyond your comprehension. 

 “What are you waiting for?” His deep voice filtered through the air, your gaze met his olive eyes and you felt your face flush immediately.

 “Just appreciating the view.” You said cheekily before dropping your towel and settling yourself down into the water.

 A long sigh escaped your lips as you submerged yourself completely. This was heaven; you couldn’t remember the last time you had been to the hot springs, and the fact that you got to spend it with the man you loved the most, it was definitely pure heaven.

 “The scenery is very nice here.” he agreed, eyes scanning over the area once more.

 You laughed softly at his statement, your hand gently pressing into the bulging muscle of his bicep. “I wasn’t talking about the scenery. I was talking about you Toshi.” 

 Ushijima felt his expression soften considerably as he looked down at you. You were resting your head against his arm, your eyes closed in absolute bliss.

 This time Ushijima decided  to scan over you, and fuck… you were the best thing he’s ever seen.

 His eyes drank in every inch of your beautiful face, his gaze trailing over the strands of wet hair clinging to your face, wrapping around your collarbone and then your shoulders and…

 Oh.

 He shamelessly stared at your exposed breasts. He could feel his heart rate beginning to pick up as he started to register in his mind that you… no both of you were extremely bare to one another.

 Ushijima couldn’t understand this sudden shyness that began to bubble up in his gut. He had seen you bare so many times before, he’s touched you so many times before, he’s had you in every way that he could think of; and yet… What was this sudden rush of arousal spiking through his blood right now?

 Your eyes fluttered open and met intense olive colored ones staring right back. You felt your mouth go dry, your stomach twisting in a way that was all too familiar.

 The only times Ushijima has ever looked at you like that was when…

 “What is it, Wakatoshi?” You teased slightly, the flush in your face was something that you could blame on the hot water, not the fact that your hunk of a boyfriend was blatantly staring at you like he wanted to devour you whole.

 “You’re beautiful.” he said simply, reaching out to tug on a strand of your wet hair. His strong, thick fingers gently began trailing against the skin of your throat, skimming across your collarbone. Despite the hot water, you couldn’t help but shiver at his gentle touch. 

 “I meant… is there something that you want Wakatoshi?” You asked, teeth sinking into your bottom lip as you stared at him through your lashes.

 “You. Always you.” he answered simply; his large hand curving gently around your jaw, cupping your face carefully.

 Your stomach twisted pleasantly, an all too familiar burn bubbling deep within your gut, but also... your heart. Once again you were in awe of the man before you, the amount of love you held for him was far too much for your heart to contain, bubbling up and spilling over the longer you looked at him.

 “You have me.” you said quietly, carefully pressing yourself closer to him, your hands rested gently against the bare skin of his chest, strong and oh so broad.

 “Then kiss me.” he demanded, olive eyes burning into yours. Love and passion could clearly be seen in them.

 So, you did. Your hands grabbing at his strong jaw, forcing him to stoop down to your level so you could properly kiss him.

 Kissing Ushijima was possibly the best thing on the planet, his lips were full and strong as they moved against yours, unhurried, but incredibly needy and forceful. 

 His tongue licked against your mouth, hot and wet and deliciously perfect. You eagerly pressed yourself against his large body, melting against him completely. You were too hot, your body overheating immediately.

 It was from the hot springs, right? Not from the hunk of a man that was currently grabbing at your bare waist and yanking you tighter against him, right? 

 Your head spun dizzily, pleasure rippling through your body, a soft whimper tearing through your throat as you felt his growing member press tight against your thigh.

 Ushijima heard you, his grip on your body tightened slightly as he continued to devour your mouth. He began moving you, carefully backing you up further away from the deep end of the hot spring, and then your body was being lifted up until you were no longer in the hot water, rather, you were now sitting on the ledge of the hot springs.

 Goosebumps erupted across your skin, your nipples hardening into pebbles under Ushijima’s watchful eyes.

 From your perched position on the rocks you could easily kiss Ushijima and he could easily…

 “W-What are you doing?” you whimpered out, the back of your hand coming up to cover your mouth, your heart was racing, faced flush, as you stared at the tall male.

 His large hands were gripping your thighs, carefully moving them apart, his eyes gazing hungrily at your weeping cunt.

 “What does it look like I’m doing?” he asked slowly, and then he was stooping down until his face was between your legs… a hot, fat, tongue sliding up your slit.

 You gasped loudly, eyes fluttering shut, as you leaned back on one of your elbows, your hand covering your mouth shot out and tangled into his damp hair.

 Ushijima hummed slightly, tongue gently flickering against your throbbing clit. 

 He wanted to do this here? Now?

 A thick finger slid easily into your wet entrance, causing your thighs to tremble at the sudden intrusion.

 Apparently yes. Yes, he did.

 When you finally opened up your eyes, the scene before you was absolutely sinful. Your swollen lips parted in awe as you made eye contact with Ushijima.

 His pupils were dilated, the soft olive color completely gone. His wet hair clung to his face, you could see his tongue flickering in and out of his mouth as he continued to eat you out.

 How was he so fucking perfect?

 “Toshi… please.” you begged, pressure beginning to build up, you were so close, but you wanted him. You wanted his thick cock to stretch you out completely right now.

 “Is there something you want?” he asked, voice deep and thick with arousal. His plush lips were wet, coated in your slick.

 Oh fuck.

 How did he look so fucking good between your legs?

 “You. Please. No more foreplay, I want you inside me already, please.” you trembled, watching as he stood to full height.

 Your eyes greedily ran down his naked body. He was just so… so fucking big, in so many ways.

 The strong muscles of his arms, his chest, his stomach, stood proudly on display for you. But as your eyes traveled lower; you could almost drool over the sight of his erect cock, standing proud and ready to be engulfed in your tight heat.

 His fist enclosed over his hard member, pumping up and down his shaft a couple of times before he finally stepped between your trembling legs. Carefully rubbing the head of his cock against your soaked folds, your eyes fluttered at the touch.

 But then with a quick snap of his hips he entered you, bottoming out immediately. 

 His lips slammed down against yours, muffling the loud moan that was about to escape your lips.

 Fuck, you were so full. No matter how many times Ushijima had you, you could never quite get used to his large size. 

 It was almost too much. But he knew that, which was why he waited for a moment, allowing you the time to get used to thick intrusion.

 One of his large hands grabbed at your hip, the other was resting near your head against the ground.

 After a few moments, your legs wrapped around his thick waist, a silent invitation that he could start moving.

 Ushijima didn’t even hesitate, his hips snapping forward, his cock pressing into the deepest part of your tight heat.

 The pace of his thrusts was unhurried, as if he had all the time in the world to fuck you, despite the fact that you guys were at a hot spring.

 “Do you hear that?” he murmured; soft squelching could be heard from your lower region. You were absolutely soaked, drenching his thick cock as he slid in and out of you perfectly. 

 You gripped at his broad shoulders helplessly, soft whimpers escaping your lips as you trembled under his large body.

 It was too much… the hot springs, his body, his kisses, the grunts that were coming from his lips, the fact that your boyfriend was fucking you in a public place…

 “I’m close.” you squeaked out, nails digging into his skin. The familiar burn, the ache for release; was coming up quickly.

 His deep thrusts began to speed up, his hips hammering into you.

 “Then cum.” he demanded, his hand reaching down to rub harshly at your swollen clit. 

 So, you did, gushing around him easily, your slick coating his hard member. He grunted loudly, immediately pulling himself out of you, his fist once again enclosing around his member as he hurriedly pumped himself, searching for release.

 Thick ropes of his warmth shot onto your lower belly, hot and heavy against your skin. 

 You watched tiredly as he brushed the wet hair away from his forehead, his eyes trailing over your bare body, a soft expression easily covering his face now. Carefully he pulled you back into the water, situating you on his lap easily as you rested your head against his strong chest.

 You sighed in content as he pressed a soft kiss to the top of your head. 

 “I love you Wakatoshi.” you said quietly, you peered up at him, a sweet smile coating your lips.

 “I love you too.” he said eyes flickering down at you, a small smile appearing on his face.

 A trip to the hot springs was definitely a good idea. 

[cotncandyboifics]

1989 [High School AU]: Chapter 4

AO3 Link

Masterpost

Chapter 1 ~ Chapter 2 ~ Chapter 3 ~ Chapter 5 ~ Chapter 6 ~ Chapter 7 ~ Chapter 8 ~ Chapter 9 ~

Pairings: slight Logince, eventual Prinxiety & Logicality

Word count: 1,910

Story summary: Roman Prince is your stereotypical Jock, with everyone swooning after him. Every day a crowd of people follow him around, only to disperse at his personal whim. In reality, he's lucky to have such good acting skills that help him cover up the disdain he has for his life. He only wishes he could use his skills properly.

Patton Whitelock's always there to lend a helping hand, no matter who you are. If you need a favor or just need someone to talk to, go to him. In reality, he's been taught from a young age that kindness should be held above all else. No one suspects that he took it the wrong way.

Logan Montgomery is the smartest boy in the Senior class. He's stern, and most people are too intimidated to speak to him. In reality, he despises most all of his fellow students. He sticks to his studies and doesn't stray, for fear of being stuck in his father's shadow his whole life.

Virgil Black is the most emo kid in school, let alone 12th grade; everyone knows to leave him be. In reality, he's very fortunate. He has two parents who love him dearly. But everything beyond his life, everything within his mind, is utter chaos and turmoil.

what will happen when they're assigned a biology project together?

General CW: food, swearing, implied s-lf h-rm, non-graphic descriptions of s-lf h-rm scars, graphic and non-graphic descriptions of anxiety attacks and panic attacks, drug abuse, minor character intoxicated on heroin, non-graphic drug overdose description, sickness/description of sickness, blood, non-graphic descriptions of needles, (will be added to as I write more)

Chapter CW: <3rd person> graphic description of a panic attack, (let me know if i missed anything please!)

Author notes: <none>

...

Where would he have gone? In the backyard? No, there's too much space out there, and it's too bright. Maybe- of course! Patton raced down the hall to the bathroom door, which was shut. He nearly started knocking, but remembering how easily startled Virgil could get when he was having an attack, he decided to just calmly say into the closed door;

"Virgil, it's Patton. Can I come in?" His voice came out very buttery and smooth, calm as he could get it to be. he heard a muffled sob from inside, and his heart went to his throat. But he knew he had to stay calm, for Virgil's sake.

As slowly, gently, and quietly as possible, he opened the door and stepped inside. It was dark, the only light coming from a small hazy window near the ceiling above the shower. He could barely make out Virgil's figure; he was curled into a ball on his side, crying into his knees, lying in the bathtub. From what Patton could see, the way his hair was sticking to his forehead implied he had been sweating, and the sleeves of his sweater were wet and crumpled, like he'd been chewing on them.

Patton slowly walked over, trying not to upset Virgil more. He slowly and gently clambered into the Bathtub, and sat cross-legged with Virgil in front of him. Remember everything you read about. Pressure is good, it gives a sense of security on an instinctual level. Don't take his hoodie off of him. He slowly reached down and lightly touched Virgil on the shoulder. When he didn't react, Patton gently scooped him up and held him in his lap, securing his arms around Virgil's shaking form as he cradled him. Although Virgil was taller than Patton, Patton had a sturdier build compared to Virgil's thinness. He started rocking Virgil very slowly, and did the first thing that came to mind.

"Virgil, it will be okay. I'm here. I'm going to breathe, okay? Try and feel me breathing, and when you can, try and copy it." Once again, his voice was soft and caring, nearly a whisper. Patton began breathing slowly and steadily, in, and out. in, and out. After what seemed like a long while, Virgil had stopped shaking, and Patton could tell he was trying to copy his breathing. It took him a few tries - his diaphragm kept spasming and making him sob more - but the tears had mostly stopped.

Soon, Virgil was breathing along with Patton - still a bit shakily, but they were definitely getting somewhere. Once Virgil's attack passed, he felt exhausted. He relaxed more into Patton, almost falling asleep.

"Virgil, I know you're tired, but we can't sleep here. Want me to call your parents so they can come pick you up?" Patton said, leaning down to try and come eye to eye with Virgil, who seemed content laying there, his head on Patton's left collar bone.

"Mmmm," Virgil started, rubbing his eyes. "No, that's alright. I'm supposed to take the bus today anyway."

"But-"

"Shhh, it's okay. I'll stay here for a while longer, and then get going, so I'll have time to get my bearings." Virgil stood, getting out of the bathtub, and then helping Patton up and out. As soon as he was out, Virgil pulled Patton into a hug - not a hard one, but a heartfelt gentle one. The best kind. "Thank you so much. I don't know how I would've made it through that one without you. Are you alright?" Virgil pulled away at the last part, holding Patton's shoulders and looking into his eyes. Patton had never seen this side of Virgil, so excessively caring. "I know you've never had to deal with me, or anyone, having an attack, but for the record, I think you handled it amazingly." Virgil continued, pulling Patton back into the hug.

Patton hugged back then, burying his face in Virgil's shoulder. "I'm just glad you're okay."

They stayed like that for a while, just happy in their moment.

...

When Patton and Virgil returned to Roman's room, Logan was just leaving.

"Hey, Lo! Are you out of here?" Patton said, still cheery as ever.

"Hello, Patton. Yes, my parents have arrived. I must be going now. I will see you tomorrow in class. Goodbye, Roman, Virgil," Logan nodded to them all, and then stepped past the newcomers to exit. Just then, Patton's phone buzzed, and a text came through that Virgil and Roman remained oblivious to; Patton scarcely read it, but knew that if it was from his brother, he'd best be getting home.

"Uh, w-wait up Lo! I'm headed out too!" Patton said, hurriedly grabbing his pastel blue backpack and rushing out, quietly saying goodbye to Virgil.

Patton caught up with Logan at the end of the hallway, a few feet before the door.

"Hello Patton. Are your parents here too?" Logan said, opening the door and holding it open for his curly-haired companion.

"Uh, no, but I'd best be getting home. I take the bus. My parents... don't have a car. They, uh, they care for environmental safety and stuff." Patton said, trying not to make his lie too obvious.

"Oh, I see." Logan's hand went to his chin, as if he was considering something. "Well, if you wish, I can ask my parents if they'll give you a ride home. I know the bus can be uncomfortable."

"Oh! umm..." Patton really wanted to say yes, but he knew that if his brother saw him come in from someone else's car, he'd be furious. "I'd love to, really, but I can't. Thank you so much anyways though! I'll see you tomorrow." Patton said, a toothy smile appearing as he waved to Logan. Then, before Logan could press further, Patton skipped quickly down Roman's driveway, down the sidewalk, and out of sight.

Logan just shrugged it off, and got in his parent's car.

...

Virgil and Roman were fixed in an awkward silence. Virgil was slouching against the wall near Roman's door, and Roman was laying back on his bed.

"Where were you?" Roman asked eventually.

"In the bathroom. I'd been holding it for a while, if you must know." Virgil lied, trying to keep Roman from asking again.

"Yuck! TMI, Surly Temple!" Roman said, throwing one of his pillows in Virgil's general direction, unsuccessful in hitting him; the pillow landed at Virgil's feet.

"Man, for a jock, your aim is shit," Virgil said, chucking the pillow back and hitting Roman square in the face.

"Ugh!" Roman exclaimed, shoving the pillow off him. Virgil walked over and plopped onto the bed, being sure to avoid eye contact. "Well hello there, my Chemically Imbalanced Romance," Roman teased, leaning closer to Virgil.

He just scoffed at him for the hundredth time that day, and threw the pillow at his face again. "Yeah, in your dreams, Prince Underarms-Stink."

Roman didn't react that time; he simply put the pillow back and watched as Virgil yawned and stretched out his arms. He turned away before the pink glaze on his cheeks could be spotted by Virgil. He pulled out his phone and plugged in his earbuds, putting one in his ear and offering the other to Virgil.

Virgil thought about protesting, but he was too tired to really care that much. he just sighed. "Oh, why the hell not." He took the earbud and put it in his ear, laying back and snuggling into Roman's pillows.

Roman clicked shuffle on his Taylor Swift playlist, and immediately regretted sharing an earbud. of all the songs to play!

There I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles

Same old tired, lonely place

Walls of insincerity

Shifting eyes and vacancy vanished when I saw your face

All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you

Virgil felt a blush rise to his cheeks as the song continued, shifting his gaze even further from Roman.

Your eyes whispered "Have we met?"

Across the room, your silhouette starts to make it's way to me

The playful conversation starts

Counter all your quick remarks, like passing notes in secrecy

And it was enchanting to meet you

All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you

Roman watched Virgil, both of their cheeks darkening. Eventually, Roman looked away, not wanting to be creepy.

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go

I'm wonder struck, blushing all the way home

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew

I was enchanted to meet you

The lingering question kept me up

Two a.m., who do you love?

I wonder till I'm wide awake

Virgil risked a glance at Roman, who seemed to be tracing his ceiling fan with his eyes. He probably isn't even effected by this, Virgil thought. Wait a minute, why am I even effected? Virgil looked away again, trying to stifle his feelings.

Now I'm pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door

I'd open up and you would say,

Hey i t was, enchanting to meet you

All I know is I was, enchanted to meet you...

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go

I'm wonder struck, blushing all the way home

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew...

This night is flawless, don't you let it go

I'm wonder struck, dancing around all alone

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew

I was enchanted to meet you.

When Virgil looked back at Roman again, Roman was looking at him. Roman immediately looked away, praying Virgil didn't see. But he knew he did, that for that split second that their eyes met. Virgil could see the blush on Roman's cheeks now. When Virgil didn't look away, Roman looked back.

This is me praying that this was the very first page

Not where the story line ends

My thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again

These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon

I was enchanted to meet you

Roman looked away first. I can't be doing this, I literally just asked someone else out. This is stupid.

Please don't be in love with someone else

Please don't have somebody waiting on you

Please don't be in love with someone else

Please don't have somebody waiting on you

Virgil had looked down as well, but glanced back, seeing Roman mouthing the words slightly. Virgil only blushed harder and covered his face with his hands, wondering how it could possibly be healthy for his heart to be beating this fast.

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go

I'm wonder struck, blushing all the way home

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew

This night is flawless, don't you let it go

I'm wonder struck, dancing around all alone

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew

I was enchanted to meet you

Please don't be in love with someone else

Please don't have somebody waiting on you

As the song ended, Virgil picked up his phone and pretended to read a text from his mom. "Uh, my mom says I best be getting home," He said shortly, taking the earbud out and standing, grabbing his bag. Roman sat up, wanting... well, he didn't really know what he wanted. He said the first thing that came to mind.

"Um, do you want a ride? I can drive you if-"

"No, that's alright." Virgil considered elaborating, but couldn't think of a good reason for his denial. He just had to get out of there, away from Roman, or he didn't know what would happen. "Uh, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Ye-yeah, sure thing," Roman said, scratching the back of his neck. Virgil left with scarcely a sound, and walked hastily toward the bus stop.

On his walk, he found the song they'd been listening to, and added it to his library.

[quaintrellelily]

Why Euphoria’s first bridge ep might be one of the best episodes to grace our TV (or laptop) screens.

SPOILER WARNING!

When I decided to watch Euphoria for the first time in 2019 (thanks for the rec @o-d-d ), I expected, at most, mediocre character arcs and a weak but acceptably entertaining plot line that aimed to deliver to a particular subset of teenagers: those who like to excessively drink, party, or do crack. But hey. Don’t blame me for assuming low standards for teen dramas. I’m not. I just simply believe that the depth at which the human emotional condition is explored on screen severely lacks. Trouble Don’t Last Always captures that and with appreciable finesse.

A message for anyone who is thinking of starting the series: let me make one thing clear before I dive into talking about this particular episode. The sex on this show is explicit AF. I’m talking about full frontal nudity and masturbation. Is it something I believe Euphoria could do without? Could it still make as big of an impact? Shock without the visual shock value? Absolutely. I truly believe it would. If you do skip past these unnecessary scenes, rest assured you will not be missing out on anything important.

So onto the first bridge episode without further ado. These are the reasons why it shined

• It might sound strange, but hbo’s decision to exclude music for most of the episode was a bold but appropriate stylistic choice. This episode is pulled together by many non-verbal moments that rely on being brought to the surface by it’s characters. It’s almost disconcerting..sitting in silence with two people who have experienced things and emotions that many of us haven’t at our worst. It just feels more authentic that way and is more intimate, like we’re present at Rue’s therapy session. Rue’s admission to threatening to kill her mother is an example of when this works. You’re not supposed to hear it as much as witness it. It’s just Zendaya and her stellar acting in it’s element, and it works seamlessly well regardless of the generic backdrop or anything else in the room (Ali and Ms Marsha aside)

• MORE on the acting. I just..wow. Brava. Zendaya’s breadth of skill really manifests itself through her eyes and lips and forlorn sitting position as Rue. You know it goes beyond your expectations when you forget a person is only acting, and Colman Domingo was also able to emote his lines and countenance in nuanced ways that seemed to deliver that exact level of desperateness I wanted to see conveyed by addicts or ex addicts. I call this art

• There’s this amazing albeit lengthy discussion that is the backbone of this episode. This was absolutely needed despite what some people might think. Why? Because this is quite literally what Euphoria is about. It isn’t centred on the striking neon lights, glitter, or trendiness of the gen z scene. It’s about a real issue with real repercussions. This is the aftermath. The moment we confront our innermost demons with an honesty that is seldom drawn out into an hour on a show for entertainment. Another bold choice here because the critical eyes of many can indeed infer that it is a tedious, almost gratuitous chapter for an audience to watch. But I beg to differ.

At the end of the day, our ability to communicate our misery to others is a tried and true strength. The script isn’t forceful in the way that Ali, Rue’s sponsor, tries to exculpate Rue and project his moral or religious conscience, no. In contrast, he holds himself accountable for his previous actions and recognises himself as the flawed human being just trying to stand by right, finding purpose as a result. He doesn’t blame Rue. Doesn’t even tell her that her feelings are invalid like so many others might. That her only way out is to surrender to the universe or anything wishy washy. Instead he will stand by her. He tells her he’s got some hope left; little as it may be, but he doesn’t know why. It’s just like that song, Lost Stars by Adam Levine.

Turn the page maybe we'll find a brand new ending

Where we’re dancing in our tears

He wishes she could have some hope too. For this reason and those above, I would gladly recommend viewing this ep to those who struggle with sobriety. Huge disclaimer. I have never been an addict, used, abused, or thought about taking drugs. However I’ve been through my own mental hurdles and lost my dad this year. Way back when I started to watch season 1, I thought Euphoria was teenage angst for teenage addicts. It might be, but it is also for anyone who has felt painfully lost, had their soul crushed, lost someone, or is purely prone to getting swept up in existential dread. I hope Ali’s message here will stay with each individual who grapples with their sense of place in the world. I hope that no matter what, you carry the most measily of hope, trust, and courage in your heart. I reiterate that trouble don’t last always.

[animatedminds]

Pixar’s Soul: Review and Reaction

The first sentence I’ve always used to describe Pete Docter and Pixar’s Soul since watching it has nothing to do with the plot. It’s instead is a starstruck comment about the music: the movie begins with a cover of a Duke Ellington classic - Mercer Ellington’s “Things Ain’t What they Used to Be.” It ends with a jazz rendition of a classic from several decades later - but still quite a bit in our past - Curtis Mayfield’s soul classic “It’s Alright.” On a personal level, this would say way more about Soul that most other descriptions of it might to get me to watch it - were I not the kind of person who was absolutely intent on watching the movie day one regardless. Though I am myself a few generations after either of those artists were around, their music has been a part of my life since I was a kid and are essential on any playlist in my opinion. Curtis Mayfield’s music, especially, deserves all the love in the world, and hearing by surprise someone cover his work in a Disney movie made my entire day - and it would have, even if the film weren’t the meaningful ride it is.

But before we get into all that, lets also look at those songs. “Things Aren’t What They Used To Be” is played a la a teacher and a higher school band class: the students are learning and a bit difficult to listen to, while the music-loving teacher cringes at the front. But the choice of song tells us a lot. It’s a jazz standard: which means when it comes to jazz, it’s one of the essentials - a tune every band learns to play, and every jazz fan has heard before. The teacher is a jazzman - you can probably guess who - and the whole time he’s listening to the song you can hear him wanting to sit down and make it sound as perfectly as he hears it in his head. Remember that analogy. Heck, when you watch or rewatch the movie, remember the mindset Joe - because that’s who that teacher is, Joe Gardner, is in for that whole teaching scene in the first place: and remember how important the desire to make things perfect is to the greater story the movie is trying to tell.

“Things Aren’t The Way They Used To Be,” indeed. By the end, you have to wonder: isn’t that the point? Now the second song. “It’s All Right” is a smooth number for dancing to - not frenetic and wild dancing, but more a slow jam sort of vibe. BUt it’s the lyrics that are the most befitting the themes of the movie. Like several of Curtis Mayfield’s tunes “It’s All Right” is an ear worm of an R&B number that’s actually about being a peace with yourself. “You’ve got soul” - ha, I get it - “and everybody knows, that it’s all right.” Or, to quote instead my favorite verse of the song (I did say Mayfield was one of my favorites): “when you wake up early in the morning feeling sad like so many of us do, hum a little soul, make life your goal, and surely something’s gonna come to you.” This is before the spoilery part of the review, but they could not have picked a better song for the movie’s themes if they wrote it themselves.

Soul, after all, is ultimately a movie about how the things we do, the things we love, even the things that define us and should make us feel good in and of themselves, can become a shackle that prevents us from feeling the things that we adopt them to feel. Dreams - especially dreams deferred - can consume us rather than uplift us, and sometimes in pursuing them we may forget to live, and forget that others are living in this world and dreaming alongside us.

This, as you might be able to tell from the way I’ve described it, is a movie with a very strong, and most importantly very well related message that - as we’ve come to expect from Pixar’s output at this point - touches us in our jaded adult hearts. As a creative person with lofty dreams who has almost literally been where the protagonist is in this film - and as many in my generation also have gone through - it definitely feels like a film that was directed straight at the generation that first watched Toy Story as kids decades ago, and now feel somewhat unfulfilled as adults going into the world. Same as Inside Out (a movie specifically designed to make adults cry, in my opinion), the SparkShorts and arguably Onward (I definitely related to Bailey, some). So much like my review of Jingle Jangle, you have something of an idea where this review is going to go before the jump, but that’s okay. This movie did have ups and downs, but its just the kind of up Pixar is good at: they know they’re audience, and especially did for this gem. By the end, it can definitely make you feel as though you too can make it through, as long as you have a little Soul. However, it is not just the message, but the nuances and skill in which they relate that message (and they do come close to making decisions that could have ruined it, at times), which means it’s very difficult for me to put why this movie works into a review without SPOILERS. If you want to avoid SPOILERS, don’t hop over the pic and instead treat the above as your non-SPOILER review.

Soul is the story of one Joe Gardner, played by Jamie Foxx a brilliant early middle-aged pianist with lifelong dreams of becoming a jazz musician, who we first meet teaching part time band at a local high school. The inciting incident is an interesting choice: Joe gets a major offer - he can come on as a full time teacher, making his occupation a career! But Joe believes very much in the adage that “those who cannot do, teach” - in the sense that he wants to do. He cannot accept the position - over the advice of his mother - because that would mean giving up on his dream of being out there playing music for a living: a dream that has consumed him his entire life but which has given him nothing in return. Until now. While agonizing over the decision to take the position, Joe's life then gets a big twist: a former student of his, remembering him fondly years after they knew each other, has a hook for him to join the band of a famous jazz singer and saxophonist - played by Angela Basset (side note, here: jazz has long had a reputation for being something of a boys club, especially for certain instruments, and the choice to have the lead saxophonist and famous idol whose band Joe wants to join be a woman is a great choice that my entire jazz-loving and living family took note of). Joe is instantly elated - he rushes over and naturally aces the audition for the part in the band, and so is on cloud nine...

Until he dies. That’s when the plot really starts. Joe falls down a manhole like an astronomer in an aesop fable, and is now stuck on the slow escalator to The Great Beyond. Naturally, he’s not for that and tries to escape - pursued by overeager spiritual soul-accountant Terry - ending up in the Great Before instead, and leaving his body in a still-living coma (the implications that coma patients in general are people who are choosing not to die when they’re “supposed” to is something I’m sure the writers didn’t intend, so I’ll let it slide). There, Joe is pressganged into mentoring a pre-prepared soul for birth, helping them find their Spark for life - which Joe interprets as the one true purpose and dream they are meant to fulfill. Once he gets them their Spark, he will be able to steal a badge his mentee earns as fully fledged souls and . Luckily for his intended very morally suspect intent on spiritual larceny, he ends up with Soul #22 - and that’s #22 out of hundreds of billions - a soul who has simply never found a Spark despite having been in the Great Before for thousands of years. #22 doesn’t want to live, so she agrees to give him her patch when they’re done. But no mentor before has been able to inspire her (well, technically #22 is genderless, as she demonstrates in the story at Joe’s request, but she is voiced by Tina Fey), so how can Joe? When that proves to be too hard indeed, #22 instead decides to help Joe get back - mostly because she’s intrigued at why anyone would want to cling to life so badly - with the help of some mystics who astral project while in the Zone: where everyone goes when they’re fully immersed in what they do. This almost works, but at the last second everything goes awry: #22 gets mixed up with Joe when he returns, and so he doesn’t quite get back the way he wants to...

That’s enough plot summary for now. That’s all just the set-up anyway, for the choices in writing and concept that I’m about to talk about. As you might have been able to tell from that ominous last note, the middle chunk of Soul - almost right up until the climax, in fact - is actually a body-swap movie, a la Freaky Friday. #22 ends up in Joe’s body, so he has to get her to do the things he needs to get ready for his gig and get through the day while they wait for the mystic to bring a way to set everything right. And did I mention he’s in the body of a cat? Having been following the movie, this wasn’t entirely a surprise, but it was still not something I was entirely ready for coming in. I tend to shy away from that kind of story on a personal level, as body-swap narratives are nearly predominantly based on cringe moments and awkward misconceptions - and that sort of thing usually tends to make me want to leave the scene in question and get a cup of water until after the awkwardness passes. However, this isn’t really part of the review in the sense that I perceive that the movie being in that genre is a flaw - because ultimately that’s just an aspect of my personal taste. Rather, I use it to show just how strong a movie Soul was and how well its narrative choices resonated with its themes that ultimately while it did indeed partake in your typical body-swap narrative cringe moments - “look, the [redacted] in Joe’s body just ran into his boss / mom!” / “look, the [redacted] is having a bizarre conversation with Joe’s friends!” / etc - those moments actually add to the narrative rather than take you out of it. Joe as “friends,” as exemplified by the barber he goes to to get his hair ready for the gig when it inevitably gets ruined in a bout of hijinks (the barber being that extremely well-designed bearded character the internet went wild over). He goes to that barber all the time, talks with him constantly, and believes he knows him well. But it turns out that Joe’s so wrapped up in his wants and desires that he’s never even asked him about his life - he just assumed that the barber was like him, born to do that one thing he was good at. It takes #22′s innocent, slightly off-kilter and occasional philosophical questions about what the heck all this “life” stuff is about for Joe to learn that this person in his life didn’t even want to be where he ended up initially, he ended up there because that’s the way his life turned, but he loves it because it’s life and he appreciates the world he’s come to create around himself. Likewise, he runs into his mom, but while Joe has come to expect his mother to be dismissive of him and his dreams, it takes an accident with #22 for him to realize that he’s been so caught up in his desires and her in her preconceptions that neither of them have ever had a real talk about their relationship, nor given a chance to grow in each other’s eyes. You might notice a trend. One of Joe’s students - a brilliant trombonist - comes to tell him she’s quitting band, but she doesn’t really. She’s just insecure because the other students make fun of her. Joe knows this already - it’s become commonplace to him - so the doesn’t feel the need to do anything about it and instead focuses on his own needs. But #22 decides to talk to her on a whim, and this push and pull of insecurity but joy in what one is good at fascinates her, while it bores Joe. While - like any other New Yorker - public transit is a chore to Joe, the melting pot of people and music draws #22 in: best evidenced by the moment where Joe and #22 meet another great musician playing for tips in the subway. Joe, despite being capable of relating as a musician, just walks past him after appreciating the sound for a sec, while #22, entranced by the things people do, leaves something for him. The world is drab and lacking in vibrancy from Joe’s point of view, as evidenced by the very accurate grimy look of the high school he work at - but from #22′s seemingly jaded eyes seeing it for the first time, it’s full of wonder.

This actually creates an interesting character contrast on top of the one we already know: Joe is the idealist, and #22 is the cynic... right? Well, it turns out Joe doesn’t have much of an appreciation for the world around him - not intentionally, but still to a very strong degree - whereas #22 simply hasn’t had the chance to experience life yet and thus never knew what it was that made people want to be part of it. Life itself becomes her Spark, though neither of them realize it at the time. Lets just get the aesop out of the way now. Your dream is not your life: that’s what Soul wants to say. Things that compel you as a person may consume you, even embitter you, and prevent you from seeing the world around you for what it is. But that doesn’t make dreams a bad thing: people everywhere find that Spark from the dreams to keep moving forward - it’s just that it shouldn’t preclude living, nor should living preclude your dreams. Life is a delicate balance, and man is this movie serving up some complicated life lessons here. I immediately took this as a far more mature take on the message The Princess and the Frog stumbled somewhat through years ago (man, I’m turning out to be pretty hard on that movie in this blog). My biggest issue with PATF is that it tells us that Tiana should be less intent on her dream and find love instead, but doesn’t show us. It’s just characters chiding her for not settling down until the plot ultimately pushes a man in front of her and she realizes she should’ve been finding one all along. That’s a very harsh way of putting it, but it condenses what I’m trying to say: ultimately PATF pushes Tiana to realizations she doesn’t seem to need, whereas Soul has a similar message about life and does so by focusing on character development, about how the protagonist doesn’t have as firm a handle on his life as he thought, and thus brings us a take on the lesson that’s far less cut and dry.

If you’re a fan of The Incredibles, the comparison to Mr. Incredible is fairly easy. Joe, though well meaning and decent overall, is a very self-centered person who happens to be so for very sympathetic and relatable reasons. He just wants to do the thing he feels he was born to. He'll do anything to get back to life and do that thing, even for a single night. He’s consumed by this desire so much that he's oblivious to the people around him, unable to connect to the people he loves, and unable to find joy in anything but his dream. And man, as a young writer who knows in their heart of hearts they can do great things and feels pain at the idea of not doing so, that hits different let me tell you.

The lessons Joe learns from #22 even stick. It turns out that part of what caused Joe’s dream to fail all those time was because of that lack of connection with life. He never presented himself in a way that got people to take notice of him, he never pushed for that position he wanted even though people said no, he never made himself and his life so vibrant that he glowed in the eyes of others (and again, that hits different). That’s maybe the most simplistic message of the bunch, but as a person in the creative field it’s true that sometimes being the smartest person in the room isn’t enough: it’s making himself shine that ultimately clinches Joe the gig even after he almost lost it thanks to the day’s shenanigans.

But in the end, it doesn’t feel like he thought he would.

Remember when I said there are parts where the movie comes perilously close to kiboshing its message? That moment is one, it’s the one. Not that that moment is bad - far from it, it’s the best moment in the entire movie (and you can fight me on that if you want to). It’s because it’s the crossroads, the pin, the core of the entire film: depending on the choice they made after that point, that moment could have either been the best moment in the entire movie, or the moment that toppled everything.

The realization of Joe’s dream doesn’t feel like the explosion of confetti and catharsis that he expected. It was just another moment of his life, a great one, but it’s still just part of his life. So what does Joe do? Does he panic? Does he keep going until it feels good? Does he - as he would in a lesser movie trying to give a cookie cutter aesop - immediately quit and realize he should’ve been teaching all along? No, he does none of those things. He absorbs the moment. He realizes that at the end of the dream you’re still just living life, and that you have to appreciate that. Joe isn’t wrong for pursuit of his dream. He’s not wrong for believing that hopes and dreams make life so much more worthwhile. He’s wrong in thinking that those dreams are all that define us, and that their realization is all that makes people themselves worthwhile at all.

And in the end - though I may be getting a bit too referential for this - the unexamined life is just so much less fulfilling than the alternative.

And all that a message and a half! It hits different. It’s mature as all heck. It’s something people my age (especially in my generation), twice my age, half my age never learn. It’s a callsign that sometimes Pixar is still make movies for the people who were kids way back when Toy Story was released, and are now insecure adults wondering why the world isn’t as wonderful as they saw on the screen. It’s brilliant. I said before that Joe interprets the “Spark” to be one’s purpose in life. The one thing that makes them who they are, that they are on the planet to do. He is wrong, absolutely and utterly. And in that misconception, when #22 finally does get their Spark just from being on Earth and seeing what its life, he accuses them of leeching self-actualization over his own personal ambitions, fully believing that they didn’t find a “purpose" on her own, but just copied his. But the Spark, as it turns out, is just the joy of living, the thing that makes people want to live. It can come from a dream, or just from watching the beauty of the sun set over a leaf drifting in the wind. Only in understanding this can Joe finally understand what he’s been missing in life, only then can he reconcile with #22 and help her finally be born, only then can he walk into the world and know how he’s going to live it.

We never find out what Joe decides, whether he goes back to teaching, or continues with the band. The choice is open to him, but we never find out which one he takes - another choice that keeps the aesop from falling apart. The point of all of that wasn’t that Joe has to do one thing or another to be happy, it was that Joe needs to be happy and secure in himself before he chooses what his life should be. Either of those could make him happy. Neither of those could. But now he’s in a much better place to see it, and do what he can.

We also never find out what #22 is like when she (or he, etc) is born. The two of them never meet past the point where #22 goes to Earth. Their time together has passed, and #22′s life is now their own. And that’s a great choice either. I’ve seen the occasional person feel that the choice made in this paragraph or noted in the previous one made the story confusing, but they’re ultimately what make the story what it is. The answer isn’t the necessity of resolution, its the reaffirmation of the journey. It reminds me somewhat of Wreck-It Ralph (an example of the main Disney Studio delivering a complex aesop, rather Pixar delivering them all), where being a villain wasn’t Ralph’s problem - it was that he wasn’t happy doing the thing he loved. You have to live, from living you will learn, and from learning you will do. The sheer incredible execution of this message (as you may have guessed, it’s a fairly difficult one to relay adequately in a film narrative, and the movie goes non-traditional in conclusion to maintain it) would have made this film a recommend for me even if it wasn't also beautifully animated, very well acted, funny (there’s a Knicks joke that floored me), heartwarming and relatable. But it’s also all of those things, so I have to recommend it twice as much. It is, regrettably, another movie with a black lead where the lead spends most of it transfigured into a form that’s not a black person (a soul, and then a cat), and I’ve already seen some grumbling that instead for much of it a character explicitly coded as a white woman is in his body instead, but I perceive that as an issue that’s endemic to the industry than a fault in this movie specifically. Everyone does that, but this is the only movie I’ve seen where doing that is an essential part of how the narrative develops the characters (Joe has to not be himself in order to understand his life from an outside perspective, a la Scrooge as a ghost watching his own history), and so I don’t scorn the movie for it. I, however, would very much like Hollywood to start doing that less, and - hey - as a prospective writer that’s one of those things I plan to do my part to combat. This movie, however, gets a pass in my book in ways that the general usage of this concept does not. In short, you should see it. If you get the chance to see it right now, you should take it to feel good at the end of this incredibly insane year. If you don’t want to have to sign up for Disney+ to see it now, I get you and understand, but if you get a chance to see it later do not pass it up. It’s one of the few movies I’ve watched that are an instant buy when it becomes available on digital - and the last time a movie did that for me was BlacKKKlansman. Whatever you choose to do, do it well. Keep the spirit alive, always keep searching for the real you - because it’s not always easy to find, but it’s worth looking for - and always remember that you could always have a little soul.

[kazimakuwabara]

Buttercream

Summary: A reuquest sent into me that I wanted to try:  Usopp impressing Sanji with his baking skills? Maybe include the line: “baking is just edible chemistry.” (can be taken as light Sanuso or at the least Sanji & Usopp friendship and support)

****

"What are you doing?" Sanji asked, his voice a mixture of exhaustion, bewilderment, and aggravation, not yet approaching anger.

Not yet.

Usopp, frozen like a rabbit caught in the sights of a fox, stared at Sanji holding a small spatula, the tool just hovering over a cake. Flour was on the floor, on Usopp's face, and in his hair. The sugar bowl was spilled over, and an egg was smashed on the ground near the fridge. Sanji, fished out a cigarette, and plopped it in his mouth, hurrying to light it while he tried not to get angry, but oh, he was getting awfully close to-

He froze.

On the counter, just beneath Usopp's trembling hand, was the most marvelous cake he had ever seen.

(The Most beautiful Buttercream cakes you could ever see)

It was half done. Base layer of the cake was white, and Usopp was delicately sculpting yellow and orange buttercream flowers into the side of the cake. Layering them on top in globs, before somehow shaping them into a blooming flower. Two other piping bags, filled with green and pink buttercream were set aside, and Sanji let the cigarette fall from his mouth so he could ask in a reverent breath, "What will you do with the green and pink bags?"

Usopp slowly, carefully, catiously---relaxed, eyes full of doubt, suspicion, and anxiety. He flicked his eyes down to Sanji's leg, and then back up to Sanji, who was walking forward, his eyes only on Usopp's cake.

"Green... for leaves, and the pink is for a big rose for the top. I thought about... putting dewdrops on the petals... but I don't... I couldn't find any blue... for... for the buttercream," Usopp answered carefully.

"I ran out of the dye drops when I made Nami's birthday cake," Sanji admitted. He had made her an ocean. A cake with rolling waves, and dusted in gold glitter. He had been proud. That cake was nothing, compared to Usopp's half-finished masterpiece.

Sanji turned to his pantry, and disappeared before reappearing with a head of red cabbage. With a dismissive wave, he muttered, "Keep working. I'll make you blue dye."

Usopp watched Sanji chop the head of cabbage, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But Sanji made no movement towards him. Neither leg nor voice was raised. For now... Usopp was alive, and seemingly given permission to continue with his project.

He turned back to his task of shaping flowers into the cake.

With nervous energy, Usopp created his pristine flowers. Sanji was saying nothing. Not asking about how Usopp broke into the fridge, or why he was doing what he was doing. The kitchen was silent.

After thirty or so minutes, Usopp went back to his work, consumed by his edible art project.

Sanji in the meantime sent the cabbage to boil, and after twenty or so minutes strained the cabbage. He set it aside for later. He could make stirfry tomorrow, perhaps, or sneak it into an omelet. No... maybe the stirfry was best. Sanji could decide later. With the purple water, he poured it carefully into a pan, and slowly began to reduce it. A task that should take him at least forty-five minutes.

In that time, he would sneak looks at Usopp's hands. The sniper, with the gentlest of touches, was shaping a yellow petal, curling it gently as if it was naturally blooming. He worked slowly, and quietly, his face focused on his task completely. Sanji was in awe. Why in the world, had Usopp never baked a cake before? Sanji hoped, sincerely hoped, he hadn't chased Usopp out and away from the kitchen, but Sanji couldn't recall the sniper ever asking to bake something.

To Sanji's knowledge, Usopp hadn't shown any interest in baking before.

Well, maybe eating the baked goods, but not making them.

When the purple cabbage liquid had reduced enough, Sanji poured it into a bowl and added a tablespoon of baking soda. He stirred it slowly, and the concoction bubbled slightly, and then... the deep purple liquid shifted into a rich deep blue. Smiling, he picked up the bowl and brought it over to Usopp. The whole method had taken Sanji almost two hours... and in that time Usopp had completed his cake.

The cake was a garden. A living mound of yellow and orange flowers, with a big pink rose on top, bloomed and curling delicately on the top.

Sanji offered the bowl to Usopp, "Natural blue dye. It may... weaken your buttercream a little, so don't use a lot,"

Usopp startled, looking up at Sanji. He had forgotten the cook was there. He nodded numbly, and took the bowl. Dipping his spoon in the blue dye, he transferred it to his white buttercream and stirred, creating a very gentle blue. He pulled a chopstick from the counter, already lightly coated in various colors, and gently added light blue dew drops to his flower.

Sixteen total and he was done.

Gawking, the pair stood over the cake and Sanji let out a shaky breath, "How?"

Usopp shrugged, shrinking into himself. For once, a lie didn't spring to his lips. He seemed at a loss for how to answer.

"Usopp... this... this is beautiful. How did you learn to do this?" Sanji asked again. He was beyond exhausted, and now that the cake was completed, he remembered he had come in here to start preparing meat for dinner tomorrow, and then prepping breakfast for the crew. He peaked out the door, the sky already begining to grow pale.

He'd have to change the menu today in order to feed everyone on time.

He looked at the cake. It made him emotional in a way that only truly marvelous food could.

This beautiful cake was worth changing his menu.

"How?" Sanji asked again, and then an excitable, "Why?"

Usopp, twiddled his messy fingers, "Mom used to make cakes. For fun. And she was pretty good. We always made one together... and went all out on her birthday. I... I kept up the tradition. Even after she was..." Usopp shrugged a shoulder again, sealing his mouth shut.

Sanji looked at Usopp, a frown set on his face, "We've been on the sea for years."

Usopp nodded, "Yeah."

"And you get up, in the dead of night, and do this? Alone?"

"Yup," Usopp murmured popping the 'p,' loudly.

"What do you do with the cake?" Sanji asked looking back at Usopp's new creation. It had to be three-layered. It was a hearty cake.

"Eat it in a private place, before anyone knows," Usopp mutters again, and then laughs, "Always makes me super sick."

Sanji is hugging Usopp before he is aware he wants to. Usopp hesitates, but then clings to him. Sanji, spotless, clings to the dirty young man in his arms, Usopp's strong arms somehow foreign to the Usopp in Sanji's mind's eye. In his head, Usopp is still small, still scared and unsure, and still needing protection. This Usopp is stronger now, and surer of himself, he really doesn't need to be coddled. But Sanji squeezes him, thinks of the years Usopp had spent alone, sneakily making a cake to honor his mother, and thinks Usopp could still use a little protecting.

Or at least some support.

"Ask. Any time you want to bake... just.... just ask! It can't interrupt our mealtimes, but I'm not going to stop you from doing a family tradition," Sanji says, voice thick.

Usopp trembles against Sanji a little, and nods his head. The, 'thanks,' he mutters is very faint and weak, but Sanji hears it.

They push away from each other, and Sanji looks at the cake, so Usopp can hide his tears. He's seen Usopp cry before, but knows Usopp would appreciate him not looking now.

Usopp clears his throat and picks up a knife, and Sanji gasps as Usopp cuts into the cake.

"No!"

Usopp laughs at Sanji's horror, "It can't last forever, let's eat up."

Sanji sighs, knowing Usopp is right, but still... he's a little sad to see the cake cut so soon. It should be displayed for longer, or allowed to set up in the fridge. He shakes his head with regret as Usopp offers him a slice. Sanji takes the extended cake and then asks, "Are you sure I can have a piece?"

Usopp cuts himself a slice, toppling it gently on the plate. A flower smooshes, and Sanji mourns again. Usopp smiles, "Your hard work deserves a reward! Besides... I'd like to hear what you think. I've had to guess at the measurements, but this is just like figuring out gunpowder ratios..."

Sanji snorts, "Ah, so baking is just edible chemistry to you?"

Usopp grins, his eyes still brimmed with unshed tears. He waggles his eyebrows and adds, "Most of my ammo is just edible chemistry."

They share a quiet laugh.

Sanji takes a bite. It is plain vanilla, and a little denser than he likes, but it is decent. Good, even. With some coaching in flavor, Usopp could make his cake taste as exceptional as it looks. He smiles, "...Maybe next year I could help you change the flavor. Lemon? Or even rose and saffron to go with your theme..."

Usopp blushes, "You'd... you'd like to do this again with me?"

Sanji nods, taking another bite, scooping up a half bloomed yellow rose on his fork. He examines the piece before grinning back at the sniper, "If you'll let me."

Usopp puffed up his chest, "Why the great Captain Usopp, famous Pâtissier amongst the beautiful mermaids in all the sea, would be glad to have you along!" He took an exaggerated bite of his cake, and added, "It's easier to eat a cake between two people anyway."

Sanji swallows his chunk, a gentle gaze landing on Usopp's face, "You don't want to share this cake with the crew?"

Some of Usopp's bravado deflates, and his hand trembles a little as he takes another bite, "N-Not... not this year."

Sanji nods, and runs a hand over Usopp's back. He lets them have peace for another few minutes. Sanji keeps his hand on Usopp's back the whole time.

When Sanji's piece of cake is gone, he picks up a dishtowel and swats it at Usopp's face, "Clean my kitchen up! I'll work on the cake. it better be sparkling by the time I finish my half."

"But! But-"

Sanji leveled a glare at Usopp, "You messed it up, you clean it! And chop, chop! Or Luffy's gonna know who to be mad at when breakfast is delayed!"

Usopp jumped up, and rushed for the utility closet, tripping over his feet in his hurry. Sanji snickered and turned back to the cake. Picking up the spatula Usopp had used to shape a gently sloping leaf, Sanji tries to turn it upwards. He ruins it as soon as he touches it. 

He shook his head, marveling at Usopp's skill again.

Usopp was an artist.

Usopp cried out as he spilled half a bucket of water on the floor.

He was lucky this cake was so astounding, or he'd be a dead artist for the dreadful state of Sanji's kitchen!

"You better not scratch my floors!" Sanji growled in warning, stabbing another piece of cake.

He feels a little bit of pleasure from Usopp's worried whimper.

[nite-shay]

A Helping Hand - Todoroki Shoto x Reader

AN:

Idea: Character finding out their S/O has a prosthetic limb. (Think automail from full metal alchemist).

Sorry for any misspelling or grammar mistakes. 

Todoroki Shoto x Reader

You sighed as you dropped your duffle bag on the floor beside your bed before flopping on to the soft mattress. The dorms were usually busy this time of day. However, the week-long break just started, and most if not all of the students rushed out as soon as the last bell of the day rang.  You were one of the few who decided to stay behind.

That choice was coming back to bite you in the ass. Hard.

If you had gone home, you could meet up with Hatsume, and she could fix this issue you were having. 

With a heavy sigh, you sat up and started rummaging through your bag in search of the object you needed fixing. Your mechanical arm had gotten damaged during your spar with your classmate, Todoroki Shoto. 

Today's assignment was to work on hand to hand combat something you excelled but not your partner. The fight had been going well; however, the fighting was making the class run a bit longer than it should have. So to speed things up, Aizawa allowed quirk usage about halfway through the match. With one final powerful attack, he managed to trap your arm, along with most of your right side, in a mini glacier of ice, thus ending the match and class. 

You knew you were in trouble the moment you felt the cold bite of the metal parts against your fleshy shoulder. Even after he thawed your arm, you weren't able to move it. You rushed off to the support class, as soon as you got changed, praying your friend got caught up in working on a new baby and delaying her departure.

However, you were not that lucky. 

And now here you are with only one arm. 

 It was going to be a long week. 

Instead of lying in self-pity, you decided you might as well try to fix it. It already didn't work, not like you could do anything worse to it. Grabbing your duffle bag and other tools, you headed over to the dining area. The dining table would give you the room you needed, plus it had better lighting. It didn't take you too long to get everything transported, and your work area set up. 

With earbuds in and the volume at a comfortable drown out the world level, you got to work. 

While you weren't the brilliant support tech that built your arm, you could handle a few basic repairs. With no one else being here, it wasn't like you had much of a choice. You even asked Power Loader for help, but since it wasn't his expertise or handiwork, there wasn't much he could do. He did, however, offer full access to the shop and any tool you may need. 

Slowly but surely, you started to disassemble the outer layer of your arm. Between the music and the project in front of you, the world around you slowly vanished. 

An hour later….

Todoroki was making his way back to the dorms after visiting his mother. While his classmates and most of the students left earlier that day, excited to see their families, he decided to stay. He did not share the same excitement when it came to home visits. Though he would miss his sister's cooking. Even the best chefs at UA didn't hold a candle to her home-cooked meals.

As he made his way through the back doorway of the commons area, he was surprised to hear noises… He thought he was the only one left... 

Was that drilling?

Curious, he made his way to the dining area where he could see you hunched over something on the table. 

"(L/N)?" He called out. Thanks to Midoriya and the others, Todoroki was becoming more … vocal with the rest of the class. You were one of the ones he would talk to the most. Mainly because Aizawa assigned the two of you together for training and assignments fairly often. He never understood his reason, but the bi-color haired boy didn't care. He preferred working with you more so than some of his other classmates (*Cough Cough* Bakugo).

Today the two of you had a mock battle during last class. He enjoyed sparing with you; your skills made it a challenge for him. But it also allowed him to be near you without making him feel awkward. He didn't understand why but he enjoyed your company. The battle had been primarily one-sided, with you in favor of winning. That was until Aizawa allowed quirk usage. While you excelled in close range combat, your quirk suited to defend against his long rang ice attack. He quickly overwhelmed you, ending the match.

Soon after the match, he saw you quickly gather your things before running off towards the school. He figured you were in a hurry to leave for the break like everyone else, not to rush back here.

"(L/N) "He approached you slowly, trying to get your attention. You had changed into a pair of black pants and a red tank top. He could also see a folded white rag sitting on your right shoulder. The closer he got, the more he could see what you were working on, some machine parts and hand tools laid scattered on the table. Your seemed foot bouncing an unknown beat as you sat there cross-legged in the chair.  

His upper lip twitches in a slight smirk as he studied the determined look in your eyes. It was the same one you had when you were studying or working on something you didn't quite understand. 

It was cute.

Taking a steady breath, he finally reached out and gently touched your exposed left shoulder.  While he still wasn't one for touch, with you, he didn't seem to mind.  "(L/N)." 

"Shit!" You jolted from the chair you were in. Unfortunately, your legs got tangled upon themselves in your rush. Your habit of sitting cross-legged was going to be the death of you one day. Falling away from the hand that had seemingly came out of nowhere, you braced for the impact as your metal arm wasn't currently attached to help break your fall. After catching the wind that had been thoroughly knocked out of you, you look up to see heterochromia eyes. "Oh... hey, Todoroki... what's up?" You grimaced in embarrassment. Of all the people who could have seen your startled cat impression...

Guess it could have been worse... It could have been Bakugo... He’d never let you live it down...

"Sorry… I.. didn't mean to scare you…." He wasn't expecting you to be as startled as you were, so he was slow to respond. His eyes quickly checked over you for any injuries he might have caused.  "Are you…" His breath caught in his throat as he watched you maneuver yourself to face him. 

Your arm…. There weren't two… just one….

Where your right arm should have been… was nothing…

Something glimmered out of his peripheral vision. Glancing over from you, he saw what you were working on. It was an arm… A mechanical right arm… 

"It's uh... Ow… it's fine...:'' You quickly got up from the floor looking at the stunned boy who was glancing between you and the arm on the table. "So.. uhhh… I guess you aren't going home for break, or are you waiting till tomorrow…" This was awkward. You hadn't told any about your arm. 

The teachers knew, but that was beyond your control, and well, ok Midoriya and Bakugo know, but that's only because you grew up with them, so it's hard for them not to know. 

"No. I decided to stay here for the week." He regains his composure before turning his focus solely on you. 

"Oh.. well, uh… same here. I hope you don't mind the company." 

"Not at all." He shifts a bit before asking. "Are you having issues with your…." He trailed off. 

"Oh yeah. It umm.." You cleared your throat before smiling a bit at him. After working with him for so long, you were getting pretty good at reading him. He was uncomfortable and wasn't sure how to proceed. "My arm stopped working earlier today. So I was trying to fix it." 

How did it get damaged?

How did he not know about your arm? 

How did you lose your arm in the first place?

Was he making this awkward for you?

Should he leave? Should he stay?

So many questions ran through his mind. Uraraka and Yaoyorozu had been working him, so he didn't just blurt out his thoughts as much anymore. Well, he still did with Bakugo, but that was for fun. The girls called it 'reading the room.' He wanted to ask you every question that came to mind, but he didn't want to offend you. 

"Do you… need assistance?" He finally settled on. 

"Oh. Yeah!" You beamed at him, making him blush slightly. "As corny as this sounds, I could use a hand." If you hadn't been staring right at him, you would have missed that small twinge of his lip. It was a smile. 

You went back to work as Todoroki sat across from you, silently observing your work. 

While you were comfortable with his silence, you could tell he was not. He had questions, hell anyone would, but he didn't seem sure how to ask or how to start the conversation.

Looks like you would have to take the lead on this one. 

"Can you hold this for me?" You point to the forearm panel with your screwdriver. He followed your instructions flawlessly. You do this a few more times, and this seems to ease him some until he finally began to talk to you.

"Do you always do the repairs yourself?" He quietly asked. 

"No. Typically, Hatsume does, but she left already. It was her father that built my first arm, but this one is her handiwork pretty cool, huh?" You grinned. You were proud of your brilliant friend, as crazy as she was. You have to remind her every time she has a new idea for her baby, that you need an arm, not an arsenal. 

"It is… impressive." 

"Ah, ha!" You announced as you pull out the damaged piece of machinery that was the cause of all this trouble. "There you are, you little bugger!" 

Seeing you smile in victory as you held up the small component made Todoroki's heart skip a beat. The part you held looks almost industrial grade. It made him curious about what could have caused it to become damaged. 

"So how did it become damaged." He asked without hesitation. 

"Oh… well, you see the water spots here." Sitting the item down, you point to the parts you were describing. "It happens when water or moisture gets in it. That caused the gear to seize up, and the rest cracked when the temperature around it rapidly changed." Your description of the damage reminded him in the way of Midoriya. The way he would mumble through his thoughts. 

Water moisture….

Rapidly changing temperature….

He was the one that damaged her arm….

"I really am the hand crusher..." He sighed as he mumbled to himself.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"My last attack… caused your arm to break… didn't it?"

"Yeah... It did..." 

"My apologies… if I had known…"

"If you had known, you wouldn't have attacked me like you did."

He nodded, and that caused her to sigh before putting down her tools and looking directly at him. 

"Do you think of me as weak?" You kept your tone neutral, not wanting him to take your question the wrong way. 

"No, you are one of the strongest students in our class." His response was honest and quick. 

"And now that you know about my arm. What are your thoughts? Would you have gone at me like you did?" You inquired. 

"You… are still one of the strongest.. and no, I would have aimed somewhere else... "

"And that's why I keep my arm a secret. You would have held back."

"But, I damaged it." 

"So what, it can be fixed." You shrugged

"But…"

"Look, I don't need people to hold back on me. I need my friends to come at me with everything they have. Because I promise you this, a villain won't hold back. If they see my arm, that's where they will aim." This wasn't the first time you've had to explain this. 

Friends...

He was silent. He understands your reasoning… somewhat but didn't like it...

"My friends will make me a stronger hero…"

"Your friends?"

"Our friends make us stronger…. I don't think I would have learned or gotten as far as I have without them…"

"What do you mean?"

"Every day with a friend, whether it's in class, just hanging out or in a match, you learn something from each other. The stuff you learn helps you along the way... Take my arm, for example…" You smile. "See, I know these three guys. One is a loudmouth with a foul temper, the other one is observant and kind, and the last one is stoic and very thoughtful. Without them, I would be like my arm was when I first got it, just an arm, nothing special. But thanks to them, I'll become more." You began pointing to different parts on your arm "Sparring with Kat, made me improve its resistance to shockwaves and heat. Thanks to Zuki, I improved its strength and impact resistance." You then grab the small part that he had damaged "And thanks to you, my arm will be stronger against water and ice.  Like I said, my friends make me strong. And I'm not just talking about physically either. My arm is just a physical representation."

He thought long about what you said. Your thoughtful words reminded him of Midoriya, but they're straight forward… a Bakugo trait, no doubt. Suddenly Aizawa partnering you up together made sense. 

But there was one thing you got wrong. 

You were special...  

No matter what...

"So… are we friends?" He managed to ask before he could blurt out his actual thought.

"I'd like us to be… if you want..." You nervously fiddled with the part in your hand. You didn't mean to just blurt out everything you did, but it was too late now. Hopefully, he wouldn't read too much into this. You honestly wanted to be more than friends but, he would need time. You know that. This wasn't something you could rush. 

"I'm not an easy person to be around…"

"Come on, I made friends with the Katsuki Bakugo. I think I can handle you." You chuckled as you extended your arm and balled you hand into a fist hand balled. Todoroki had seen you do this with some of your other classmates. It was a fist bump. "So what do ya say?"

"I'd like that…" He gently touched his fist to yours...

From that day on you, two were inseparable and unstoppable. 

Bonus bit: 

"I'm telling you! Something is really strange about (L/N)." The electric quirk user emphasized to the rest of the group. 

A grumble shut up came from the explosive blonde as he and his redheaded lover walked in front of Sero and Kaminari. 

"Did you not see the tools in her room?" Kaminari continued 

"Yeah! How about the can of metal polish? Weird…" Sero noted.

"Maybe she just builds models? You know like cars, planes or something?" Kirishima chimed in, hoping they dropped the subject that was clearly angering the boy beside him. But to no avail, the two guys behind them continued their conversation.  

"What the hell kind of model do you build with those kinds of tools?" 

"Dude… What if she's a robot?"

"A robot?"

"Yeah! What if she's a robot, and she's here to replace us all with robots!!!"

"You guys really need to lay off the late-night SciFi movies…" Kirishima could see the vein on Bakugo's forehead start to throb… Though the redhead was tempted to let his hot tempered boyfriend go after his classmates, he liked (L/N) and didn't appreciate them talking about you like that, but dinner and a movie sounded better than trying to hide two bodies tonight.

The Bakusquaud composed of Bakugo, Kirishima, Kaminari, and Sero were making their way through to the dining area. They just opened the door to see you fist bump with Todoroki. Kaminari, Sero, and Kirishima and shocked to see you two sitting there, but Kaminari and Sero are more shocked by what they see on the table.

"AHHHHHH SHE REALLY IS A ROBOT!!!!!" You turn just in time to see two streaks of blonde and black hair run down the hallway to the safety of their rooms.

"You make the strangest friends, Kat….." You teased.

"FUCK YOU!"

Later on…

Bakugo is upset that you are now friends with Todoroki… also slightly upset about your arm but doesn't show it.

Kirishima is shocked by your arm but brushes it off. He tells you later that it makes you look manly and wants to arm wrestle you once you get fixed.

Bakugo and Kirishima fill you in on what Kaminari and Sero were talking about. You laugh but then take this chance to terrorize Sero and Kaminari a bit. Mainly using a remote arm (One of Hatsume's prototype 'babies' she gave you a while back) that would walk around like thing from the Adams family) for a bit before tell and proving to them that no… you're not a robot…  

Thanks for the read! If you want see the other stuff I’ve done, click the link bellow!

MasterList

[jacscorner]

Pokemon All-Stars: A Fan Region/Game/Alternate Universe Idea

I like watching and rewatching Original Pokemon Game/Region videos. Like Mr. Buddy's "What if X was a Pokemon Region" and stuff like that. I wanna make-or, I guess, write-my own. Since Regions are kind of a character all their own and I'm a Wannabe Character Artist, I wanted to try and make one my own.

I've got no skills in coding, pixel arts, or anything, so this will forever be just some kind of dumb fanfic that sometimes incorporates Game Mechanics to justify things if it were able, for some Godforsaken reason, 'stolen' for a game. Cause, in 2021, no idea feels too big or too dumb. And, uh, trust me, this'll be a dumb fanfic of an idea. So be aware for the subpar writing talents of some wannabe writer who doesn't know shit.

Small disclaimer though:

>This region is being made with the intention that every extra feature will be available in it. Z-Moves, Regional Variants, Gygantamax, Mega Evolutions, and maybe some things I've forgotten. This probably won't matter cause it's just a dumb fanfic plot bible with mechanics peppered in. Competitive balancing be damn! Pokemon Fans can create their own balance! That's what the Battle Simulator is for! In fact, if this was a real game, then it'd have a Battle Simulator like Showdown built into it.

>This is an open source Fanfic Bible. You can take this idea and run with it if you want. You can omit all my bad ideas even!

>I won't be making my own Fakemon. I don't like a lot of Fakemon that exists out there and, trust me when I say this: I am no better than them. In fact, I'm fucking worse.

>If this WERE a game, it probably WOULD still have to cut some Pokemon. I doubt that kinda, and I won't get into why I think dexit was dumb personally, cause it doesn't really matter. But, like, my fan game/fanfic will have a lot of shit going on in it. So, like, realistically, there would probably need to be a cut, if not for data, than just cause there's a lot of work to do as is. But, like, again, under the context of a fic, this wouldn't be an issue.

>With THAT said, I'd want this game to have a Gen 2 Sprite aesthetic. My fangame, don't care if ya'll don't like that.

>I'm probably gonna copy a LOT of stuff from other Fangames I've played. My shit memory probably won't allow me to remember what I'm biting from what, so be free to call me out whenever. Cause if I stole the mechanic, I probably liked it the game. And if not, well, I'd like the recommendation.

Fuck, this was long already. The rest is under the cut, so, like, if you're already turned off, you can stop reading. I understand. I'm kind of a windbag.

Okay, so how many of you guys have seen this picture on the internet? It's a picture of a ton of Pokemon regions all...basically stitched together, since not only could this never be canon, but this goes beyond the size of even most open world games today. But this was the inspiration for this project. The map probably wouldn't, and probably couldn't, look like this, but it perfectly sums up what I'd want out of this game. Thus, it'll be our placeholder.

Our hometown of Capricorn Town is home to Professor Chestnut, and you, her faithful assistant, are about to set off on a Pokemon adventure of your own! The Professor is encouraging you to see the region of Sidus for yourself and is even willing to give you a Starting Pokemon!

Starting Pokemon

Now, if I'm not making new Pokemon, which Starter will it be? Well, the game will have the data for all the starters and will randomly select a Grass, Fire, and Water Type for you to choose from. Those will be your starters, with the option of also choosing Pikachu, Eevee, and Riolu, the two mascot mons...and Riolu, who is kind of a mascot mon, but a lesser one.

Let's say for this example, your options are Torchic, Piplup, Rowlet, Pikachu, Eevee, and Riolu. And, uh, get used to the words 'random' and 'generator', those are our keywords.

Anyway, once you get your pick, there'll be some kind of tutorial mission the Professor will send you on. This will introduce you to two very important things;

1. One of your Rival.

2. An Evil Team Grunt.

Rivals?!

Now to start getting into why this game might still be pretty big still be big despite the sprites on modern consoles.

Each of your Rivals would be one kid from each region of the 8 Mainline Games from Kanto to Kalos. How this'll be decided is that each pair of kids will be plugging into a generator and will pick between either the boy or girl version.

Ex. Brendan and May both cannot be in the game. Instead, they'll be plugged into this generator. Let's say the generator fell onto May. She'll be one of your Rival. Repeat this process 7 more times until you have 8 Rivals sprinkled throughout the world, each one given a defined personality and better AI to make them harder trainers to fight.

May will have one of the Hoenn Starters, sans Torchic. Regardless of whether or not Protagonist-San picked Torchic, May will either have a Treecko or Mudkip, again, chosen at random per kid. Whichever Starter you picked, your first rival will have a starter that beats yours. So, let's say moving forward, May has a Mudkip and you a Torchic. The other kids will have random starters of the various regions they originally hail from.

Anyway, your rivals will wander the overworld. If they see you, they'll battle you on sight. If they lose, they'll be gone after the next time you turn the game off. They won't battle you again until they respawn, but you can hang out with them. In fact, you can even recruit them to be in your party for a few days and they'll follow you around and just generally be your friend. It'll make every battle a double battle, but they'll battle you again before their timer runs out, so be prepared!

BANG! BANG! ENTER! Team Wild!

The two of you will have to face off against Team Wild! They have a Cowboy theme to them, using a mix of Ground and Steel-Types, with a few Pokemon being added in for good measure like the Ponyta Lines, Cacnea Line, and Remoraid. Cause...it's a gun.

They're an outlaw gang, they're rough and tough (or, at least, a mild threat) and will always throw down when they spot ya. Something I'm just sniping from JelloApocalypse is that they'll appear sporadically and act as Timed Events across the map.

You and your new Rival beat them and send you packing. I'd imagine May and the other Rivals would mostly be friendly, but I'm sure there's one or two that'll just be jerks to you. Regardless of personality, they'll be pretty tough and programmed to skill with you. Your strongest mon you have on hand when you fight them will be the level their entire team.

With your tutorial done, the world is opened up! Your mom gives you your running shoes, some Pokeballs, and your...I don't know, PokeCelular or something, just the regional gadget that does a bunch of stuff. From holding your map to holding your VS Seeker.

The PokeCelular will also give you notifications on where Team Wild are! You can choose to ignore the events, but if you do, then they'll start to appear in the overworld know and will get progressively stronger.

A Balancing Act

This game will be an open world, 8-Bit Sprite Game for you to explore after you leave Capricorn!

So how do we balance that?

Well, we got our Rival out of the way already, so let's move on. Gym Leaders will have a pretty linear progression. However, regardless of which Gym you tackle first, they'll all be at the same level.

It doesn't matter if you decide to go across the map and battle the Bug Gym, he'll stay at Level 10, just like the Normal Gym. Whe you get the second badge, they'll all jump to Level 15. NPC Trainers will follow the same progression; the higher your badge number, the stronger the number of Pokemon they'll be.

Wild Pokemon will also get stronger. The more badges you get, it'll attract stronger wild Pokemon because they'll see you're stronger and will come out more.

The overworld will also have various dungeons in them that'll be Level Locked. Say, you go through a forest and you're just trying to reach the end of a maze. The Trainers and Pokemon will function the same as I've mentioned before. But, you can decide to go deeper into the dungeon. These Pokemon will be level locked, usually something of a high level, because this is a more dangerous part of the dungeon. But, there'll be some goodies down there, like rarer Pokemon and some kind of really rare and good item like a TM or something.

How will you traverse? Well, first of all, HMs? They're semi-back. BUT, instead of having to deal with teaching Cut to a Pokemon, you just need the move Cut and a Pokemon that can use the move and you'll be able to use Cut. A few other Pokemon that are reasonable candidates, but don't get cut, will be allowed to do this too. Like, Gallade can use Cut. It can't learn the move, but just holding the HM will get the job done.

Controversial opinion, but I think I've always liked the idea of HMs. On paper, they give you a reason to explore the world and go back to areas you couldn't before for goodies and make for a good way to get off dungeons until you get the needed item. Even something like Cut can be used to open up new areas for exploration for your squad of mons.

BUT, well, HMs suck. As moves, they suck save for, like, 2...MAYBE and they're only for, like, a handful of areas. You either hand them out as evenly as possible, forcing mons to take moves you don't wanna use, or you just get an HM Slave or two to use 'em all. But like they, they serve their function and all you need is the Pokemon in question and NOT teach them the move. If you need a Move Deleter just so people aren't stuck having to use Rock Smash for three towns, then there's a problem with your RPG. Imagine playing Final Fantasy and you had to give your Fighter the Bronze Axe to get through a forest and still had to fight with it, even though you got a +12 Silver Sword! It's no wonder people hated these things! But I don't think getting rid of them and introducing Rental Pokemon was a good solution either and adds a different, albeit less intrusive problem.

Gym Leaders

So, how do Gym Leaders work?

Much like your rivals, they'll be randomly generated. Let's say, hypothetically, there's a pool of 60 Gym Leaders and Elite Four members. The game will randomly generate 16 to be Gym Leaders. The generator will have some kind of complicated math (at least, too complicated for me) so that you don't have more than 2 gyms of the same type. (Example: Misty and Nessa might be Active Gyms, Siebold can't be selected for a Gym cause the Water Slots are taken).

As a trade off, some Gyms might have special conditions before you can challenge them. Like, if you got stuck with Koga as a Gym Leader, than he'll only let you in if you complete a nearby dungeon and help his daughter out cause he doesn't trust her to make it back on her own. Or, like, Claire's a Gym Leader, but she won't battle you unless you've collected 7 Gym Badges prior at least.

The Gym Leaders, as mentioned before, will get progressively stronger with each badge obtained. After the 8th badge, you can go and climb Victory Road, face the E4 and confront the Champion! You can keep hunting Gym Leaders, but just remember that the E4 will always be 10 Levels above the strongest gym you beat. And they'll just get stronger with every one you beat until all 16 are slain.

Another handful, let's say 8, Gym Leaders/E4 Members will be wondering around as NPC Trainers. The justification is that this big super region is in some Alternate Universe Pokemon Game that has all the Pokemon and other important trainers in it, hence why we can have a game where Roxanne and Lenora are hanging out at a coffee shop. They're not Rivals, more like stronger NPCs you can rematch and wonder the map. They're not here to be the very best like no one ever was.

I mean, I'd like, like, 10-20 instead of 8 extras, but let's not get TOO greedy...yet...

Elite Four

And now, it's time to flip the script. Cause if E4 members can be Gym Leaders, then who are the Elite Four?

Easy. The Rivals.

All the Rival characters will be put in a random generator as well. The four that are chosen. You can have an Elite Four made up of Wally, Marnie, Hau, and Barry and you gotta deal with it.

This is excluding Brendan and May, Blue, and Calem and Serena. Anyone else is fair game.

Champion

So, the Champion. Who would it be in this? There was a funny idea I had, but this is a Pokemon Game. So there would be two versions. We'll call them Pokemon Dawn & Dusk. The difference between these games is the game Champion!

Benga would be the Champion of Pokemon Dusk, the grandson of Alder! His final Team will include Volcarona, Garchomp, and Dragonite, Pokemon he used in Black and White. I'd also include Scrafty, Rampardos, and Golurk, Pokemon used against you in White Treehollow and Black Tower areas.

Meanwhile, the Champion of Pokemon Dusk will be Zinnia, the Lorekeeper! Her team would include the Goodra, Tyrantrum, Altaria, Noivern, and Salamence she used in her original team, with her plucky Whismur sidekick becoming an Exploud and her ace.

You would've met them in the beginning of the game and would've showed off a bit by helping you with Team Wild before. They'll pop in and out throughout the game, at first amused by your tenacity, but not wanting a rookie like you to get hurt. But if you keep bonking Team Wild, they'll be impressed with how strong you are.

The show up to chat again when you beat 8 Gym Leaders, and will pop in if you White Out to give you some advice. White Out three times and they'll feel bad for you and give you an egg. Benga will give you a Larvesta Egg and Zinnia a Bagon Egg.

EXTRAS

So I don't got a lot of ideas for the Post Game, but there is one idea I thought would be cool if, if after you defeat the champion, they give you a call. They'll tell you that there are strong trainers wondering the Overworld and to be careful.

Because dotting the overworld will be Champions passed and proper! Cynthia, Blue, Lance; all of them are rocking Lv 100 Teams and are out for blood. They won't challenge you, but if you talk to them, there will be no backing out of the battle! You come with your A-Game!

sI'm not exactly in love with the idea of Team Wild. Maybe the Evil Team should go full fanservice and just be Team Rainbow Rocket. Or maybe go half-and-half; having past Evil Team members and leaders walk around in cowboy gear and acting as Team Wild executives.

I'd also would love Tournaments. Like, maybe that could be a weekly event in some town, they'll how tournaments and the characters that aren't designated as Gym Leaders and such will attend. Maybe there's a cash prize, maybe you'll win Pokemon Eggs of rare, guaranteed shines, or maybe you'll get some kind of important quest items.

Yeah, I want quests! All sorts of side quests! And can't forget what I'd do with Legendairs;

If you know Bengal's team, you'll know he's got the Lati Twins. I don't like that personally and would prefer Legendaries to be Super Bosses. Like, you gotta do a lot to find them. And when you do, their stats are boosted and they become an Uber Boss! You catch them in a cutscene after you beat them!

There's also just a ton of characters I didn't get around to or really have a place for. Emma, Looker, N, and the Stat Trainers all come to mind. Overall, I'd want them to pepper the world as well, but don't have anything to say except this: Pokemon has made a lot of memorable characters. Both good and bad. And this is probably my dream Pokemon Game; one where you can hang out with your favorites

[sun-summoning]

Summary: When Marinette’s plant shelf breaks, Adrien comes to the rescue. (Inspired by this tweet.)

Adrien only sees one problem here: he doesn’t think asking any of his father’s staff for power tools is going to go particularly well. Plagg, on the other hand, sees multiple other problems here.

“Beyond the fact that you aren’t even remotely handy--”

“I can be handy!”

“--you also don’t know how to use those tools--”

“Everything is on the internet nowadays.”

“--and you really don’t have the time for this project.”

“I’ll make time.”

Plagg sighs deeply. Normally he doesn’t have to play the voice of reason, but somehow Adrien got it into his head that he was the one who needed to help his friend after the plant stand on her balcony broke. Marinette had moped about it to Alya earlier that day, which immediately had Adrien looking up how to make one himself. 

It would be the perfect gift for the perfect friend. 

“I realize you’re against leaving dead birds on her pillow, but isn’t this going a step too far for your crush?”

Adrien’s cheeks turn pink. “Plagg, I’ve already told you dozens of times -- Marinette is just a friend.”

“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, you know you can just buy one, right?” Plagg throws Adrien’s phone at him. “You can save the staff the headache of your hammering.”

“I can’t just buy one,” Adrien scoffs.

“She bought her first one.”

“Yeah, for herself. This is a gift from me.”

“Gifts are generally purchased.”

“Not with Marinette.” Adrien shakes his head. Positioned conveniently by the window, he leans against the panel and stares outside wistfully. The light hits him just so, making him look as lovesick as he denies being. And then to complete the entire picture, he sighs. 

Honestly, Plagg kind of wants to throw up. 

“Marinette always makes her gifts.”

“Marinette is also skilled in her craft.”

“Plagg, I’ll be fine,” Adrien assures him. “I’ve got this.”

-

So maybe Adrien did not have this. Not entirely. Not yet.

After deciding it would be best to leave power tool procurement out of any conversation he might have with Nathalie, he heads to the hardware store. He needs to get wood, a saw, a screwdriver, some screws, sandpaper, and some other things he wrote down on a list.

Eventually an employee with a kind smile comes to help him. “You look a bit lost,” the man comments.

Adrien tries not to look too bashful. “Is it that obvious?”

“Maybe I can help you?”

Adrien nods eagerly and hands the man his list. 

“I’m building a plant shelf.” He takes out his phone to show a photo of what he’s trying to accomplish.

“That’s quite the project you have there.” The man notices Adrien’s nervous grin so he pats his shoulder reassuringly. “Why don’t we gather all the supplies then?”

The man walks with him through the aisles and suggests which items Adrien should get. He asks what kinds of tools Adrien already has, but Adrien decides to just get everything new. Maybe there’s a drill or a some screws somewhere in the house, but he really doesn’t know where to look or who to ask. 

His shopping cart is mostly full when they get to the last item on Adrien’s list: paint.

“Do you have a colour in mind?”

“She likes pink,” Adrien says. “Do you have pink paint?”

“We have plenty of pink.” The man brings him to a wall of paint swatches. He chuckles when Adrien gawks at them, clearly overwhelmed. “Why don’t you take a few for now and think it over? You still need to build everything before painting.”

“That’s true.”

“And maybe you can consult the lady herself for her paint preference?”

Adrien shakes his head. “This is a surprise.”

The man smiles. “Then I’m sure your girlfriend will love it.”

Adrien promptly chokes on his own spit as he sputters out that Marinette is just a friend. In his pocket, he’s certain Plagg is laughing. 

-

Since his foosball table is the right height, Adrien decides to clamp a plank of wood to it and saw from there. 

He dons one of his older t-shirts and a pair of googles because safety is key. Then he gets to work. At first the circular saw makes him anxious. But a few levels to Marinette’s plant stand later, he feels confident. So confident that he’s humming a tune while working on the next part.

“Adrien, what are you doing?”

Apparently he hadn’t heard the door open over the sound of the circular saw. He turns the saw off and sets it down. Pushing his safety goggles into his bangs, he musters as innocent a smile as he’s capable of. If he’s learned nothing from his father’s unique brand of parenting, it’s that it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission (largely because both yield the same results).

“I’m building a plant stand.” Then he pauses. “Plant ladder. Or plant shelf? Honestly, they all same the same purpose. This is going to look more like stairs when I’m done so plant...stairs?”

“Why are you building this plant--” Nathalie gestures at the pieces of wood sprawled out on the floor, “--thing?”

“Marinette’s broke.”

“And?”

Adrien shifts his stance, deciding to go for dumb rather than repentant. Repentant would mean he actually felt bad, whereas Adrien is actually really enjoying himself. “It’s...broken?”

Nathalie’s lips thin. “That still doesn’t explain why you’re building this.”

“It’s a gift.”

“And?”

“It’s...from me?”

“Why can’t you just buy one?”

“Why does everyone keep asking that?” Adrien mutters. 

Nathalie looks down at her tablet. “Your driver can take you to a furniture store to purchase one after your photoshoot tomorrow.”

“No thanks.” Adrien picks up the circular saw because Nathalie never explicitly told him to stop. He grins, but with a power tool in his hand, he probably looks a little bit silly. “I’ve got this.”

A muffled snort comes from his pocket.

“I do.”

-

Adrien is comparing swatches of paint with utmost concentration when Nino and Alya decide to join him. Alya mentions something new on the Ladyblog, and while normally Adrien is the quickest to contribute to any conversation regarding his lady, right now he’s trying to make a decision between Romantica and August Sunrise. 

“Okay, what are you doing?” Alya glances at the rest of the other eight swatches he’s considering. 

“That’s a lot of pink buddy,” Nino says.

“I know.” Adrien drops the two in his hands so he can pull at his hair. “This is so stressful.”

“Are you, uh, repainting your room or something?”

“Huh?”

Nino nods towards the swatches. “Trying to pick a new colour?”

Adrien snorts. “As if I’d be allowed to change anything.”

“Then what are these for?” Alya asks.

“Uh.” 

Adrien bites his lip as he looks around wildly. So far none of their mutual friends know about his little side project, and he really wants this to stay a surprise for Marinette. He knows Nino will keep this secret to himself, but he’s not totally sure about Alya. Then again, it’s not like he a choice right now. Alya leans in, a curious gleam in her eyes.

“I’m building something,” Adrien offers.

“What is it?”

“A plant stand.”

“I didn’t know you liked plants,” Nino says. “My mom has tons of aloe she’s always trying to give to other people. I’ll bring you one--”

“No!” They both look perplexed by his denial. Adrien swallows. He glances around once again to be safe. “It’s for Marinette.”

“Marinette?” Nino echoes.

“Marinette.” Alya leans back, a contemplative expression on her face. Finally, she smiles. “She told you that her old one broke?”

“Er, not really.” Adrien rubs the back of his neck. “I kind of overheard the two of you and she seemed really upset, so I...”

“You thought you’d replace it for her?”

He nods.

“That’s really sweet, Adrien.” Alya grins. “Marinette’s going to love it.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“But that doesn’t explain the swatches,” Nino says. He still looks confused. “Unless, wait--” His eyes widen. “Are you making it?”

Adrien frowns. “I don’t appreciate your tone.”

“Why can’t you just buy one?”

Adrien is starting to resent that question. He grumbles as such and crosses his arms. “Why can’t you just believe in me?”

Nino snorts. “Adrien, you’re so scrawny I can’t even imagine you picking up the wood.”

Alya bites back a giggle while Adrien makes a noise of indignation.

As usual, Plagg is quietly laughing at him too.

-

“Hey Marinette!” Adrien greets in the morning. She’s in the middle of stuffing nearly half a croissant in her mouth, so she chokes when she notices him there. He waves a hand, telling her to just finish, so she chews vigorously and swallows and then grins at him. “You’re here early.”

She laughs. “I decided it’s easier if I wake up early to work on my commissions and then go to class, rather than stay up late and tell myself I can wake up in the morning just fine.”

“Do you have a lot of commissions right now?”

Marinette nods. “Yeah.” Then she sighs. “I broke my old plant stand and wanted to replace it.”

His research showed him you could get some stands for cheap and that there were a lot of DIY methods on the internet. But from all the times he visited her balcony as Chat Noir not at all for treats and pets, he remembers hers to have been white and wooden and with intricate carvings along its edges. 

“What happened to it?” he wonders.

Marinette is quick to flush. Her cheeks are visibly pink when she looks down. “I, uh, fell on it.”

“Huh?” Adrien remembers that it was mostly against the wall right beside her chair. Personally, he’s also almost fallen on it, all those times he tried to land directly on her chair and narrowly missed crashing into all her plants instead. “How?”

“That’s really not the point. The point is it broke, okay?”

She sounds embarrassed, so Adrien backs off. Marinette always calls herself a klutz and he’d hate to make her feel worse.

“Do you have a new stand in mind?” he asks to steer away from that sore spot.

Marinette nods. “I do!” 

They still have a few minutes until class starts, so she pulls out her phone and goes to her screenshots. She swipes through a few versions, some ladder-like, some closer to bookshelves, and some that look like step stools. Her favourite one is painted a lovely dusty rose.

-

That evening, Adrien proceeds to assemble the pieces of wood he finished cutting and lightly sanding. He’ll do the rest of the sanding later on. For now, he balances and drills and uses the levelling tool to make sure the shelves are actually something akin to straight. When he finishes drilling in the last screw, he steps back and grins.

Plagg assesses his work with a shrug. “Not bad,” he says. “You actually did well.” 

“Why does no one think I can do this?” Adrien grumbles. “Fine, I’m not particularly handy, but I know how to use my hands for things! I can play piano! And fence! And speak, like, three other languages--”

“Kid, you don’t know Japanese. You’re just reading subtitles.”

“--and okay, that has nothing to do with my hands. What was I saying?”

Plagg plops down onto one shelf, eyes closed and body languid. He soon zips up though when the entire thing wobbles.

“Dammit!” Adrien shouts. 

“Huh.” Plagg hovers over Adrien’s shoulder as he steadies it. 

“This is your fault,” Adrien mutters.

“I’m not the one who can’t use a drill!”

“Look at your hands! You obviously can’t use a drill, Plagg!”

“Still not my fault?”

“I’m unlucky and it’s your fault.” Adrien throws upon his couch with all the grace of a distressed damsel. His hand rests on his forehead as he whines. “You and your ring and all the destruction and...and is that it? I can’t create things because only Ladybug can?”

“No.” Plagg floats over Adrien’s face. “You’re just bad at this.”

“Why can’t you just be on my side?!” 

After a sufficient amount of time spent wallowing in self-pity, Adrien stands back up and considers Marinette’s plant holder. Or, well, the plant holder. There’s a chance he might not bother giving this to Marinette. He pokes it lightly, resulting in a slight sway. Then he shoves it, mostly out of curiosity, and instead of wobbling, it just falls over entirely.

“Oh no!”

Adrien scrambles to stand it back up, but groans when he notices the way it leans to the left.

His door opens after the commotion. That’s not particularly surprising. Nathalie’s at the main office today which meant he could use power tools uninterrupted, but he supposes there’s only so much noise and yelling the staff can take before someone checks up on him. Soon, his bodyguard is at his side.

“I’m fine,” Adrien assures him. 

The Gorilla’s expression hardly wavers.

“This is my plant stand for Marinette. You remember her right?”

He nods.

“She’s my friend and she makes the best gifts! And I thought I’d make this for her but...”

“Where is this going?”

Adrien blinks. He didn’t expect his bodyguard to have anything to say. “Uh, her balcony.”

“Then it needs to be able to stand up to the elements.” The Gorilla picks it up like it’s nothing more than a handful of grapes. Then he starts to shake it.

“What are you--”

He sets it down soon after. “It’s not going to fall apart,” the Gorilla tells him. “Although, admittedly, it’s a bit wobbly.” 

Adrien tries not to bring his hands to his face. “Yes, I know.”

“Come,” the Gorilla says, leaving his room. Adrien barely grabs Plagg as he follows him to the car. The Gorilla drives them to the hardware store, where he directs Adrien to a package of L brackets. “Get these.”

“Okay?”

“Get some more screws as well.”

“Sure?”

“I’ll wait in the car.”

Adrien picks a set coated to look gold. That would look nicest with the dusty rose paint Alya helped him pick out. He pays for the brackets and then heads to the car. The Gorilla drives them back to the mansion. Adrien looks at him curiously and his bodyguard opens the packages of brackets and screws.

“Here.” He rests one edge on the shelf level and the other on the side. “Screw this in place to reinforce the shelves.”

“And then it won’t fall apart?”

The Gorilla’s lips twitch like he wants to smile. Instead, he shakes his head. “It was never going to fall apart,” he assures Adrien. “It just needed a bit more work.”

“Okay!”

The Gorilla holds the L brackets in place while Adrien uses his drill to get the screws in. 

He only hurts himself twice and his bodyguard once in the process.

-

A few days after building and painting, Adrien still hasn’t given the plant stand to Marinette. He feels like it’s missing something, but he just can’t put his hand on what. He’s too busy thinking to muster a decent greeting when Lila sits beside him at the library. 

Maybe he picked the wrong colour? No, Marinette wanted a pink plant stand. Maybe there were too many shelves? But Marinette had so many plants! She needed as many shelves as she could get. So then maybe his creation was too tall when it needed to be wider. If that’s the case, then he’ll just make her another one. Perhaps he can decorate it more? The plain pink is a bit boring. Maybe white borders? Or stencils! What would Marinette like? Little kittens? Leaves? Flowers?

Girls liked flowers, right?

“Do you like flowers?” he asks Lila.

Lila blinks, taken aback by his random question. Then she grins. “Of course.”

“Do all girls like flowers?” Adrien shakes his head and winces. “Sorry. No. I shouldn’t generalize.”

Lila shrugs, something he only notices because her shoulder is inching closer and closer to his, so he inches closer and closer to the opposite edge of his seat. “Were you planning on getting me flowers, Adrien?”

“No, it’s for this plant stand I’m building.” He’s awfully proud of his handiwork, so he pulls out his phone and shows Lila a photo of the mostly finished project. “It’s just kind of...plain. I was thinking maybe I could, I don’t know...put flowers on it?” 

“That’s kind of what it’s for, Adrien.”

“Right.” Adrien leans back in his chair. When he feels Lila a bit too close for comfort, he leans to the side. “What would Marinette like?” he wonders to himself.

He hears Lila inhale sharply. Glancing at her, he watches her cover that up with a look of concern. “This is for Marinette?” she asks.

Adrien nods, and because he can’t help himself, he positively beams. “I really hope she likes it.”

“Oh.” Lila makes a forlorn face. “Adrien, I don’t know how to break it to you, but Marinette already got a new plant stand.”

“What?”

Lila nods. He resents how eagerly she does so in the face of his obvious disappointment. “She was telling Juleka and Rose about it earlier. She said already filled it up perfectly. And there’s no room on her balcony for another.”

“Oh.”

Adrien looks down at his lap, completely missing Lila’s little grin. He supposes he could just scrap the gift. It wasn’t like it was Marinette’s birthday or anything. The plant stand was just to repay Marinette’s unfailing friendship. She always helped her friends without them even asking. He just wanted to do the same. The plant stand was one of those “just because” presents. Something to show Marinette that he knows she’s amazing and kind and generous and that he would give her the world if he could. Or whatever. Something like that.

Adrien sits up straight when one brain cell makes itself known. He turns to Lila. “Okay, thanks for letting me know.”

“No problem,” she replies slowly. “I’m sorry you wasted your time, Adrien. I’m sure there are other people that might appreciate your hard work though.”

“Nah.” Adrien shakes his head. He spots Marinette across the library and stands. He packs his bag, expertly dodging Lila when she tries to grab him. “It just means I get to buy Marinette some plants to put on it!”

“What.”

“Thanks for the idea, Lila!”

-

The thing is, Adrien knows nothing about plants. Fortunately, he has another friend that’s amazing and kind and generous who also knows a lot about plants. Ladybug is always careful about identities, but she has a habit of pointing out random plants they might see and mentioning that she has the same one in her garden. He hopes he gets to see that garden one day. And if Marinette’s plant stand turns out to be a hit, maybe he can make one for Ladybug too. 

“In addition to being my lady, you’re also a plant lady, right?” 

Ladybug snorts. “I can keep things alive, yes.”

“Great. I need to buy some plants for my friend but I have absolutely no idea what to get.”

“How many?”

“Uh.” Chat Noir starts doing some basic addition with his fingers. “I don’t know. Maybe three plants along four shelves?”

“What kind of lighting does this spot get?”

“Sun...light?”

“Direct?”

“Oh.” He nods. “Yes. I guess? It’s for a balcony.”

“That helps.”

Ladybug takes his baton from him and opens up the notepad app. She’s busy typing names of plants that thrive in direct sunlight, which these ones will inevitably get. She explains various things about those plants and their needs, but Chat Noir is mostly just thinking about how their “phones” have apps at all and how they connect to the internet. Were they hackable then? He had so many questions--

“Anyway, don’t fill the entire shelf up.”

Chat Noir blinks. Ladybug is giving him a look that tells him she knows he definitely wasn’t paying attention. When he grins sheepishly, she hands him back his baton and rolls her eyes.  

“How come?”

Ladybug smiles. “Sometimes plants get a bit too big for their pots, or they have little pups of their own that need repotting. If you get your friend some of the ones I wrote down for you, her garden will definitely be multiplying in a few months. She’s going to need the space.”

“But are you sure?”

“Why, kitty, are you doubting your lady?”

Chat Noir laughs. “I would never.”

-

As it turns out, transporting everything is difficult. There’s no way he can hand Marinette the plant shelf and the seven potted plants he selected at school, so he asks the Gorilla to bring it all with him when he picks him up later. Knowing Marinette has a student council meeting after classes end, he heads to her house where Sabine lets him in. When Tom notices him struggling awkwardly, he takes the shelf and tells Adrien to just bring up the plants.

After everything has been brought up to Marinette’s balcony, Adrien gets to work setting it up. He leans it against one wall and puts the wall brackets on Marinette’s chair so they can put them in later. As he arranges the plants he brought along with him, he notices all her other pots lined up against the rails.

Where was the new plant stand Lila mentioned?

“Really kid?” Plagg zips around with zero regard for the daylight and the people that are unlikely to see him. “She was lying.”

“What?” Adrien frowns. “Why would Lila lie?”

“I don’t know. Why do cats purr?”

“What?”

Plagg just shakes his head and floats down to Marinette’s chair. “Just let me know when we’re leaving. Or when the cheese arrives.”

Frowning, Adrien goes to retrieve Marinette’s original plants. He arranges them along the shelf he built her and mixes them among his new plants. When everything is settled, he grins. 

“Plagg, Marinette is going to love this--”

“Adrien?!”

Adrien looks down at the hatch and finds Marinette climbing out. She stares at him with wide eyes before her gaze falls onto the new set up for her plants.

“Oh, hey Marinette.” He winks. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“I...what?”

He cringes. “Nothing. Hey.”

“Hello?” Marinette shakes her head. Then she laughs. “Papa said he sent you upstairs to the balcony and I ran up as fast as I could -- by any chance, did you have a look around my bedroom on your way up?”

“No?”

“Good.”

“What?”

“Nothing. So. What’s up?”

“Right.” Adrien beams at her as he gestures to the shelf. “This is for you.”

Marinette looks at the shelf like somehow she never noticed it there. Her lips part, like she’s trying to get something out but doesn’t know what. Her eyes go from comically wide before lowering. She watches him with wonder in her gaze, like she can’t comprehend a gift like this from him. He starts to fidget, worried she hates him and whatever he might want to offer him, but Marinette nods and bites her bottom lip. She continues nodding slowly, as if processing his words, and Adrien thinks her cheeks look a bit flushed.

Marinette nears the shelf and runs her fingers along the sanded and pink-painted edges. She touches the string of pearls and sniffs the jasmine. When she’s taken it all in, she turns to him with a smile.

“This is all so beautiful, Adrien.” 

Adrien rolls his eyes fondly. “You don’t have to lie to me, Marinette.” He knocks on the wood that, fortunately, no longer wobbles. “It’s not like I’m about to open my own woodworking company.”

“Wait.” Her jaw drops. “You made this?!”

Adrien nods. She continues gawking at him, making him blush. His hand finds the back of his neck and rubs at it nervously. “Er, yeah. It’s not the best, obviously, but I tried. I mean, you always make your gifts. I figured I should try doing the same--”

He grunts when Marinette pulls him into a hug. Her arms wind around his middle and after a moment, Adrien slowly puts his own on her too. She feels warm against him, and when she doesn’t seem like she’s going to let go anytime soon, Adrien rests his cheek upon her head.

“Thank you so much, Adrien.” 

She releases him, much to his dismay, and marvels at the display he created. She notices his scrawled signature on one of the shelves and runs her finger along the curves. 

“I love it.”

Looking into her eyes, Adrien wonders why he didn’t think to buy her bluebells. He promises her he’ll get them soon, but Marinette just giggles and tells him he’s done more than enough. 

[thissimplefeelingzine]

regarding your inexperienced w zines mod team- do u at least have somebody handling finances that has experience w a completed zine? that’s SUPER important, especially now, and I would urge you to reach out if not and find somebody to handle that positon. looking forward to this zine!

Hello anon,

I am Mod Dogfeathers*, and while posting directly to our socials is somewhat rare for me, I am This Simple Feeling's current Finance Mod, and so I thought it very important that I address your concerns directly, myself. I am very shy, I am neurodivergent, and I have severe social anxiety, and so most of the work I've done for This Simple Feeling thusfar has been infrastructural and supportive, somewhat away from wider visibility. However, I am extremely aware of the awesome responsibility that falls squarely on my shoulders as finance mod, and that the community around our zine– from my fellow mods and our potential contributors to the fans who will be cheering us on and reading issue 6 next year– must be able to depend on me to manage our finances through every stage of This Simple Feeling's production. The success of our project requires the community's collective confidence in me, and I am extremely keen to build that trust.

So, first, I want to apologize for the length of time that you've had to wait for this reply, and assure you we've been taking your concerns very seriously. Much of this time has been spent in deliberative reflection as to whether or not I should remain in this role. I love this project, and I have invested a prodigious amount of time and effort and affection into it since Head Mod @menecio approached me in early November 2020; I desperately want it to succeed. I have never wavered that I want to remain in this role, and my fellow staff have not wavered in their conviction that I should remain here, too. That said, I am aware that the success of our zine does not particularly care about what I want or what feels good, and so I took some time to seriously assess my own capabilities, to strenuously question my resolve, and to seek advice from people with zine experience who I trust. We have determined that I shall remain Finance Mod, but I want to stress that this was neither an easy nor an immediate decision– I did not let it be an easy or immediate decision, because what has always mattered to me is what's best for the zine. In the end, that determination was made based on the work that I've already done and the trust that my team has in my abilities.

Nevertheless, we want to emphasize that we continue to take your concerns seriously; we recognize that my lack of zine experience is both significant and reasonable cause for concern. We are taking additional measures to address that lack, beyond those that I insisted upon when I accepted this role. I will shortly lay out some of my relevant experience, but in recognition that it is limited and that it may not be sufficient to assuage your concerns, I want to make clear one of the additional measures that I requested during this period of consideration.

My husband and my partner of ten years, Tom, is a trained accountant, and he will now be supervising my work for this project directly. He had already agreed to assist me informally, and had– with supreme patience– already conducted a few intense, 6 hour long sessions to explain the ways that double-entry bookkeeping and Microsoft Access can be used to manage a project of this nature. He will continue to do that, but he will also be keeping an eye on my work and checking up that work periodically. I will still be managing our accounts, my name will still be on our books, and this will still be my job, but Tom will be actively present to confirm that I am doing this correctly. He does not have zine experience, he is not involved in fandom, and he does not have fandom-relevant socials– he has no specific pull towards fandom participation, the way I do– but he has worked for several years as one of two accountants for the library of one of the USA's top 40 public research universities, managing the extremely complex and surprisingly variable needs of such a massive nonprofit, and has been responsible for controlling several million dollars of public acquisitions spending in that capacity. (His way of describing this: "Each year we spent about the same amount as the budget for 10 Things I Hate About You, and I was in charge of a little over half of it.")

As part of this supervisory role, Tom is also going to maintain a presence in our server. He is not a mod and plays no part in decision making beyond occasionally giving us financial advice when asked, but he has appropriate server roles to provide direct access to mod discussions, so that he can be present to pay attention when I bring financial data to the team, and to answer our collective financial questions, should any arise that are beyond my personal capacity. When his schedule permits, he is also available to our contributors and mods to answer their questions directly in server.

What follows is a non-comprehensive, but hopefully thorough, summary of my relevant experience.

By training and professionally, I am a studio artist with an MFA, the terminal degree in my field. I manage my own studio practice. This is a complicated, variable job that requires a great deal of flexibility, responsiveness, and skill– most of which does not actually involve the hand-skills necessary to create the literal artwork the studio practice ostensibly produces. As an artist, I am a sole proprietor, and my studio is my business, but with very specific needs not necessarily found in other businesses, and I run it without assistants. I maintain my inventory and my supplies, I purchase and manage equipment necessary to create work, I manage my work through various states of creation and exhibition and– sometimes– publication, I take on clients for commission, I apply to shows (for which there is always a fee), I work with gallerists and curators, I research and make connections with different platforms and specialist logistics businesses (PayPal/money handlers, banks, streaming platforms, printers, data storage). All of those affect my studio's finances, and so they must be managed carefully, in addition to sales of prints and original artwork (thusfar handled privately, as is fairly normal– we are often encouraged not to maintain digital storefronts, because it can dissuade potential gallerists from representing us; I am in the process of threading that needle.) In this capacity, I have no employer: I am responsible for taxes– both knowing what they are and paying them– and fees, I am responsible for my costs, and I am responsible to my business partners. There is no external buffer– if I fail any of this, I am the only party responsible for making it right.

Because I believe in the transformative power of art (and, for that matter, fandom), I try to work with local arts organizations and nonprofits when possible, particularly when it comes to showing my work and engaging in community arts efforts. I prefer to support group projects that elevate multiple artists, and/or organizations that serve diverse communities. Prior to COVID, I was doing a volunteer-intensive residency with local community arts nonprofit whose mission is to bring art and heritage craft skills to communities that would not otherwise be able to access such training; COVID has necessitated a change in my ability to serve them, but I do still work for them in a more limited capacity, usually grantwriting.

Though I prioritize nonprofits, I have also worked as an assistant/intern for urban galleries using for-profit and co-op funding structures, which involved both basic work associated with gallery assistantship (manning desks, running errands, calling support businesses, promotion, show installation, etc), and sometimes work on specific projects that required knowledge of the institution's fiscal state and available funds (from contacting local businesses about the replacement of a gallery's floor and helping to plan the launching of a new residency, to more routine tasks, such as contacting local bakeries about catering or hosting satellite shows, and ordering promotional material from printers.) All galleries run on extremely tight budgets, and having been exposed to a variety different gallery funding structures (with concomitantly different priorities and audiences) gives me an awareness of the work and the precision required to achieve ambitious goals with extremely limited finances. They are why I price things out on three levels: the ideal, the nearly-ideal, and the most affordable that still meets our high bar for quality.

I have experience writing grants, both for myself and (more notably) for the nonprofit at which I am an AIR (artist in residence). The most ambitious of these grants has reached the second stage of consideration, which is notable both because the granting organization is not arts specific, the deciding board is composed mostly of bankers with deep fiscal expertise, and we were asking for funds significantly in excess of what that grant usually offers. That decision is expected in June of next year. Grant-writing is less of an abstraction on the skills necessary for a zine than it might initially seem: both involve my operation as an agent representing the organization for which I requesting money; art grants are usually for very specific projects with very specific constraints; they usually require that our funding comes from multiple sources that are then pooled to enact the project; the projects have a specific lifespan and a schedule on which key stages must be completed; they require extremely precise budgeting; we are directly accountable for both the project and the precise management and tracking of said funding; and we must be ready to provide statements and proof of the project's progress and funding at every stage of the project's active lifespan, as well as a summary report at the end.

I have curatorial experience with local and regional art shows, usually organized by a small independent team working closely with a local, preferably-nonprofit gallery who is lending us their space; those roles are very analogous to the XO/logistical role I am currently fulfilling for This Simple Feeling. Though we worked with local galleries, and could sometimes make use of some of their equipment (such as hammers and nails and– if we were very lucky– leftover paint), we were responsible for every aspect of the actual hosting of the show and associated costs. This included equipment rental, installation costs, costs to repair & repaint to walls from the normal damage of installation, catering, sometimes utilities and space rental, etc. All of those costs were additional to the cost of recruiting artists, hosting calls, managing the artists and their work, managing sales of the work throughout the duration of the show, managing the sales of any prints the artists or merch the artists wanted to offer alongside the work, and organizing any publications or promotional materials released for the shows. Each show had different financial needs, but they all required budgets prior to their beginning, modified when necessary as the project came closer to realization and new constraints presented themselves. The businesses we solicited quotes from and our cost-reduction strategies varied from show to show, but all of the teams I worked with were semi-formal groups of friends and collaborators, similar to the teams that design zines, and so we did not have a pool of institutional capital to use for funding– we had to generate or barter for all of that ourselves. We did it because we loved it and we believed in it, not because it was potentially lucrative (community art shows almost never are, even less than zines; the point is celebration of our community.)

And that, honestly, is one of the most relevant bits of experience I've accumulated to date, tangential but applicable to a project like this: the awareness that this kind of project is done for love, not money. Issue 6 is being produced for charity, but even wildly successful for-profit zines will almost never be able to make enough profit to adequately compensate the cost of the staff's time, which would be upwards of $20k, if you paid them $10/hr, which is below the cost of living in most parts of my country. The cost to hire freelance writers is, at minimum, $.10 a word. The artwork in zines would cost in the hundreds– and, more realistically, thousands– of dollars, in a professional illustrative or fine art context. The writers and artists who contribute to zines absolutely make work that reaches (and exceeds) the professional standards required to participate in those industries. Our contributors have trained for years to hone their skills, and they put those skills towards making work for us, for free; our staff similarly donate their time to accomplish very complex tasks to support that creative work; that time could be spent producing work for those professional contexts, but instead they give it to us, and they do that because they believe in us and our community, and they want to celebrate a fandom and a ship– Star Trek and K/S– that have brought us together, and (with Trek and K/S specifically) have supported fandom engagement for over five decades. They give that work to us, and the only thing they ask is for us to make a zine out of it. I am an artist and a writer, I have formal training in both disciplines, and I understand these costs: I cannot express how seriously I take the gift of their time and energy, and how profoundly I am humbled to be trusted with it.

If I sound zealous, it's because I am, and because I am excruciatingly aware that from the moment our staff begins working on this project and our contributors start making their works, the financial responsibility for taking all that gifted energy and skill and effort becomes solely my own. If I fail as finance mod, I do not fail only myself, as would be the case in my studio practice– I also fail my fellow mods and every single one of my contributors, and I fail the community responsible for the generation of work that has provided me solace for decades. If I fuck up as finance mod, it is solely my responsibility to make it right.

As I said before, your concerns are absolutely reasonable– I share many of them– and all of this experience is tangential, and zines are different projects to those that I've worked on before, with different constraints and needs. I have thus taken action and structured my own work as a mod to assuage these concerns in myself, in ways that I hope will concomitantly assuage some of your concerns as well. I am paying attention to my own inexperience, I am preventing myself from functioning on auto-pilot, I am taking nothing for granted, and I am being actively vigilant for the inevitable gaps in my own expertise.

That's easy to say, but what does it look like? Thusfar, it takes the form of huge amounts of research, and the connection to a extant network of experienced zinesters, both of which are repositories of information with which I am trying to plug some of my gaps. I know well, as an academic who also practices disciplines (art and writing) that are precarious by their nature, that there is a big difference between external research and experience– but if everyone starts somewhere, then I have gone to great lengths to map out the place where I'm starting as thoroughly as possible. I have read (and often annotated) literally every resource on the production and staffing of fandom zines that I could find. When I have a question, I check these sources and I also look for examples of whatever I'm curious about 'in the wild'. To determine the likely price of our zine, for example, I looked through seven pages of tags on popular hub/promotion blogs on Tumblr, and generated a comprehensive Excel sheet from one such session that allowed me to compare prices against the number of pages and the kinds of merch offered alongside the zines in question. To balance the holes in that mode of data collection, I have also sought contacts and tried to build a relationship with communities around zine production: i have close friends who work on zines (and who initially got me interested in this kind of project– you know who you are, and my thanks is infinite for your patience and your willingness to act as resource), and I regularly make a pest of myself by asking strange questions to folks in Discord servers dedicated to the topic (I am also grateful to these communities, in similar terms). When possible, or if the question is specific enough, I try to go directly to the source: when I was uncertain what, specifically, could be used to verify a PayPal account, and found conflicting answers in their documentation, I spent three days talking to various help desk personnel until I found a solid answer on which to proceed. All of this is basic, and deserves no accolades.

If I am anything in my personal art practice, it is a colorist, and so I already had fairly deep knowledge of color theory prior to my involvement here– however, because color accuracy is so important to printed artwork, and depends so much on printer technology, the capacity and setup of individual print shops, and digital color spaces, I have spent time researching this too. I have requested printing samples from 7 different printers, and I have peppered the ones that meet the zine's standards with esoteric questions about what kind of printing presses they use and what ICC profiles their digital presses are set up to handle. I have done this because when it comes time (very shortly) for our Art Mod (@i-drive-a-nii-san) and myself to make some final determinations on which printers we want to use, it is important to me personally that we have the most comprehensive data available with which to make that decision. The zine that we publish needs to be pragmatically affordable– but within the scope of that pragmatism, I want the best quality possible, so as to do justice to the contributions that will live on its pages. 

I am aware that all of my experience is tangential, and that the direct relevance that it has on this situation is limited. I am aware that there are gaps in my knowledge. I am aware of the awesome responsibilities I have as finance mod, and that I am a potential bottleneck upon which this project either breaks and fails or through which it passes and succeeds. I am aware of the gift inherent in every work we receive and every moment of staff working time, and the legacies at play with K/S specifically. I am aware that all the book-learning in the world has limited bearing on the actual experience of doing something on the ground. I find my experience lacking, and for that reason, I very seriously considered stepping down. I am humbled by the responsibility required by this position; I decided to stay because the trust my team expressed in me was also humbling.

My experience may be tangential, but there is a final element that I strongly suspect is applicable to my role as finance mod (and mod generally): in a project like a zine, done for love and for community, there are a myriad ways in which trust matters, small enough to overlook but overwhelming in their accumulation. The trust of the external fandom/zinester community matters, and for that reason I am being as honest as possible, and almost ceded my position to someone with greater experience; the trust of one's fellow staff and collaborators also matters in significant ways. An administrative team that trusts each other– that has confidence in each others' abilities and convictions, that understands each others' outlooks and that communicates well, and that deeply believes that that they will mutually have each other's backs– that kind of administrative team is an awesome thing, and their confidence is often perceptible to the contributors in very real ways, who then trust the administrative team to have their backs and to support them as necessary. Collaborators and administrators who have established that trust with each other tend to work together more effectively, and produce stronger work as a result, especially in a creative capacity. Good work requires creative risk-taking, which in turn requires the certainty that administration can support the necessary risk-taking and facilitate its success. The establishment of such trust is not automatic– we must work for it, actively– but the team involved in issue 6 of This Simple Feeling has that trust in each other, and the willingness to build it with both our collaborators and the wider community around our zine.

My confidence in the rest of my team is unshakeable. They have, in turn, expressed their confidence in me, that I am able to do the tasks and handle the responsibility involved with being finance mod on a project as specific and complex as a fandom zine for charity; I will trust them, and I will continue to work to earn their trust. I will also trust the broad community of zinesters around me, and solicit their expertise to help me navigate unfamiliar waters, and I will trust the professional expertise of my partner, who I have asked to donate his time. I will not lie, and so I make no promise that I won't fuck up in this role– but I will absolutely promise that if I do, I will make it right, and I will do everything in my power to prevent such fuckups from occurring in the first place.

I encourage you or anyone else to contact me if you have further questions; I can be reached through the contact forms on my personal Carrds– both linked on This Simple Feeling's staff bio on the Carrd– or alternatively you can request my Discord handle via DM on This Simple Feeling’s Tumblr or Twitter.

- Mod Dogfeathers/42/booleanWildcard/NAB

* I write fanfiction under the name booleanWildcard, and I am known socially as 42 or */asterisk. I post drawings as Dogmachine. I sign my visual work as NAB, my initials.

* We are using Microsoft Access instead of Excel, because Access is more flexible and comprehensive with its ability to cross-reference multiple fields. We will use it to generate reports for release, including possibly ones that can be plugged into Excel/Google Sheets

[razaks-wheel]

[In her research into Imperial-funded overhaul events, Meryse contacts the Nerevarine. This probably isn't canon. Unless]

3E 432

Meryse set up a sound wall around the projection room she had booked for the afternoon. She wished she could do this somewhere more private, like her own home, but even the "modern-style" projection that many mages made use of was still a little ways beyond her current skill level, and so she was stuck using a device at her local Mages Guild.

It was a dangerous game, she knew, doing research that could be considered anti-Imperial in an Imperial-funded facility, but she was fairly confident that she knew how to take the appropriate precautions. Besides, if the rumors could be trusted, the person she was going to be talking to was at least nominally considered a friend of the Empire, and so even if the projection could be tracked, she should be safe.

In their brief exchange of letters, they had provided each other with a pointer gem, a tiny crystal infused with a small amount of magicka, to make it possible to target each other with a projection. When the designated time came, Meryse placed Ildari's pointer gem in the device's slot and powered it up with a bit of her own magicka. She sat at the desk in the rune on the floor and set her notebook down in front of her while the device whooshed to life and sent its projection to what she imagined was a fabled mushroom tower all the way in Morrowind.

A few moments later, a translucent form appeared in front of her of a Dunmer woman with hair flopped to one side of her head. She had heard that the Nerevarine had been young, but she was still surprised to see that this mer barely looked older than she. Of course, it was hard to gauge an age from a projection, especially of a mer. Maybe she was older than she looked, or maybe Meryse was really just older than she felt.

As they exchanged introductions and pleasantries, Meryse noticed a ring on Ildari's finger decorated with Azuran symbology. She had heard of that ring, Moon-and-Star, in her studies when preparing for this meeting. It was said to give Nerevar, and only Nerevar, a substantial boon in interpersonal abilities. She wondered whether Ildari was wearing it for symbolic reasons, or if she was just as nervous to be interviewed by a stranger as Meryse was to be conducting the interview. Either way, Meryse wished she had a ring like that, though preferably one that wouldn't kill her.

"So, I'm studying some of the major events that the Empire has seemed to have a hand in, as part of a larger research project, and I wanted to talk to some of the key players in those events," Meryse said. "You were employed by the Emperor himself to fulfill your Nerevarine prophecies, correct?"

"Ah...not exactly," Ildari said. "The Emperor selected me, yes, and tried to get me into his service, but I never even ended up talking to the guy the Empire wanted me to go to."

"Oh," Meryse said, her pen hovering above her notes. "Can I ask why?"

"Someone intercepted me outside the Census and Excise office and gave me a better offer if I would take the orders they'd given me to his boss instead of the Imperial contact I was told to meet. His boss was on the council of House Telvanni, which I wanted to connect with anyway, being my ancestral House, and it gave me the option not to work for the Empire, so I took him up on it."

"And the Empire was fine with you not following their orders?"

"'Fine' would be a stretch." She laughed. "Let's just say that when I visit my mom in the Imperial City these days, I stay clear of Green Emperor Way. They probably know better than to mess with me, honestly, but I also know better than to dangle myself in front of them."

Well, that was a deviation. Maybe this was more dangerous than Meryse had anticipated, if this Ildari was less of a friend of the Empire than she had previously believed. On the other hand, it might mean that her answers would be more useful than she expected, as long as any of the questions she had prepared still applied. She probed her wards to make sure they were holding up, and then glanced down at her notebook to decide where to go next.

"You were still initially set on your path by the Emperor, right? Do you know how he picked you?"

"Oh, Uriel absolutely orchestrated my involvement, even if I broke away the second I had the chance," Ildari said. "Certain entities have the ability to identify 'Heroes'—agents of prophecy. Gods can do it. I suspect Moth Priests can, too. Something about it being written in the Elder Scrolls. I assume an emperor has connections and probably makes it his business to keep tabs on any Heroes that pop up.

"Here's the thing, though: they did have to mess with my life to make it work. They killed my parents before I was old enough to remember them, because the prophecy said the Nerevarine has to have 'uncertain parents.' And they made up the charges that landed me in prison, because apparently being in prison is important to trigger the start of a prophecy, at least according to my friend Vivec. That tells me two things. First, they identified me as a Hero early on, long before the prophecies were actually set to be fulfilled. Second, they're willing to force a prophecy's conditions to be met, if it suits them."

"Wow, I...didn't realize they would go that far. Not that it's surprising, exactly. I guess I just didn't know they had the resources and the drive to act on prophecy so long before it's relevant."

She took a moment to consider the implications for her own research, and jotted a few notes down. She looked at her next question. It would sound strange, she knew, but Ildari seemed open-minded enough. Clearly, she was already aware of the implications of prophecy; she might not balk at a question about the nature of time and the aurbis.

"Did anything...strange happen while you were fulfilling your prophecies?" she asked. "I know that's broad. Anything that's hard to explain or understand, maybe relating to the flow of time?"

"That's very broad," Ildari agreed. "There was the part where I got all my memories back from my past seventeen incarnates' lives. That was strange and somewhat relates to the flow of time. But that's pretty specific to me. Probably not what you're looking for." With half a smile, she asked, "So, you're studying the Warp in the West?"

"Ah...yes," Meryse said with a nervous laugh.

"Don't buy the idea that it was a miracle from the Divines?"

"Not exactly," she said. "Not even a little bit, really. I want to figure out what really happened. Everyone sort of waves their hands around what happened, and no one seems to remember it. I do, sort of, but I was a kid, so no one believes me. I want to know what the Empire is hiding, and what else they might be hiding—who else they've hurt."

"Well, if you're looking for people the Empire has hurt, you've come to the right place," Ildari said dryly. "Be careful, though. The Empire doesn't always look kindly on its opponents, much less on people trying to uncover its secrets. I can say what I want, within reason, because quite frankly, I have power—both politically and in terms of combat ability. If you can't say the same, you should take care who you say these sorts of things to."

"Oh, I am careful, don't worry," she said. "I've got wards set up right now, I obscure my notes, and I keep my exact research questions largely to myself."

Ildari nodded. "That aside, though, you said you remember the Warp? The whole thing?"

"I remember three distinct days, when everyone talks about it being one or two. And when it was over, we were bending a knee to Uriel, and suddenly everyone was talking about the Nine like Talos had been there all along."

That seemed to interest Ildari. She paused, brow furrowed, and opened her mouth a few times as if to talk, but changing her mind each time.

After a few moments, she finally said, "I wonder if you're a Hero."

That was, somehow, not what Meryse was expecting.

"Me? I doubt it. I'm not strong or powerful or...special in any particular way, and I've never noticed the Empire messing with my life specifically, like you say they did with yours." She shrugged. "I'm just a mage, a researcher."

"So was I, before they shipped me off to Seyda Neen."

Meryse considered it for a moment longer. "I don't know. If that's all it is, it just feels like such a disappointing answer. And even if it is true, I still want to know how it happened. I guess I'll keep researching until I know better."

"Good idea. I'm sure there's plenty that the Empire is hiding; you being able to tell that they're hiding something is more of a compass than a solution," Ildari said. "Still, you might want to consider picking up some survival skills, maybe learn how to use a sword or armor, just in case you get tossed on an adventure without warning."

"Yeah, couldn't hurt," Meryse said. "Well, thank you for taking the time to talk to me. This has been...enlightening, really, even if not in the ways I expected." She added a small laugh at the end.

"Research is never boring, is it?" Ildari said. "I hope you find what you're looking for. And if you publish your work, I'd love to read it."

"I will be sure to send you a copy. Thanks again, Ildari." She waved awkwardly and disconnected the projection.

Once the projection device was back to its inert state and she had taken Ildari's pointer gem out of its slot, she glanced down at her notes one more time. There was not much there, but she still felt like she had learned a lot, and come out with more questions than she had entered with. Naturally.

She added one more note about picking up some new skills, and then passed an encryption spell over the page. When she was satisfied that her notes were sufficiently obscured from prying eyes, she closed her notebook, slipped it into her bag, lowered her wards, and headed back out into the Mages Guild as though her concept of the world had not just been shaken.

[dear-wormwoods]

Someone truly in the reddie tag saying Myra was not abusive and that she wasn’t like Sonia. Even saying Bev and Eddie don’t have similar arcs bc their abusive situations were entirely different and that people just reach to bend arguments in order to prove reddie. Biggest bs I have read in a while ahdhd

I’m assuming you are new to my blog, because uhh, I’m sorry to burst your bubble anon, but I am also someone who doesn’t consider Myra abusive. Idk what post you’re talking about specifically but I’d sure like to know what ‘proving reddie’ has to do with it, lol. But anyway, I have said before that I consider Eddie’s marriage to be toxic, but not abusive. These two people should not be married. And not just because Eddie is gay and doesn’t love her. Beyond that, they are definitely bad for each other. The entire marriage is a conduit for misery and deception. It’s a codependent circus of projection and enabling. It’s unhealthy as hell! But it isn’t abusive. And here’s why I think that: 

Stephen King wasn’t trying to make a point that Sonia and Myra are exactly the same. He was, however, making a point that when people enter into adulthood and adult relationships while carrying a bunch of baggage from trauma they never properly dealt with, the cycle will continue in one way or another (this is why Eddie and Bev are ‘parallel’ characters, not the surface-level abuse interpretation). Eddie suffered from emotional abuse for most of his life; Sonia was very calculating and intentional about it and made sure that she always held sway in Eddie’s life to suit her own needs. The result is that Eddie is a very inexperienced and sheltered adult who believes in all of the lies his mother told him. He tried to move out three times and failed each time. Sonia controlled him until the day she died. It’s all Eddie knows. So in his mid-thirties, alone in the world for the first time, he doesn’t know how to take care of himself and, more importantly, believes he can’t learn. Because of his history of abuse and control, Eddie can’t fathom taking the reins in his own life and instead seeks out someone who will take care of him the way he’s become accustomed to. 

So, Eddie meets Myra and latches onto her because she’s inexperienced and malleable, like him. She physically reminds him of his mother, so it’s easy for him to project onto her all of the abuse Sonia inflicted on him. And because that life was all he knew, it was also what made him feel comfortable, so he nudged Myra into the role he wanted her to fill - a replacement mom. He did this subconsciously at first, but he was able to recognize it before they got married… and then he decided to go through with it anyway. 

Eddie brought a lot of baggage into that relationship, baggage that Myra was most likely completely unaware of. Obviously he’s a repressed gay man, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Eddie doesn’t love Myra, but it’s not just because he’s gay, it’s also because he has created a maternal figure in her and, since he (rightfully) resents his mother, he also resents Myra. She conforms to that caretaker role and enables everything he’s learned from a life with Sonia, and he in turn enables her bad habits too. Enabling is toxic behavior, but it isn’t inherently abusive. 

But then, when he leaves to go back to Derry, it all comes to a head. She freaks out because as far as she knows, he’s very sick, and he’s leaving her without an explanation, this man who she is married to and financially dependent on. She has no idea how to communicate, so she resorts to panicky, emotionally manipulative attempts to get him to talk to her and stay. On the flipside, Eddie has no idea how to communicate with her either, so he withholds information, deflects, and snaps at her in moments of frustration. They both have irrational thoughts about hurting each other and they both do and say things that make the situation worse. They are both VERY bad at communication. Because they’re both grown adults with almost no relationship experience outside of each other and are therefore emotionally stunted. 

That whole chapter reads, to me, like “bad breakups 101″ - one person can’t articulate how they feel so they’re deflecting and coming off as cold, and the other person is so over the top emotional that they end up making no sense and coming off as hysterical. And it’s no wonder! If you make it to your late 30′s without ever having much of a social circle or relationship experience, you’re not going to know how to act in a situation like this. And this applies to both of them. If what Eddie says about her is true, this is probably the first time Myra has ever been left by a partner, and it’s happening suddenly and with no explanation. So, she’s hysterical and resorts to manipulation - not out of habit, but out of desperation (Eddie makes the distinction that this isn’t typical behavior for her!!). For Eddie’s part, this is the first major decision he’s made in probably his whole life, and he doesn’t know how to explain himself, so he just… decides not to. And because he does not love Myra, he is completely emotionally detached from her. Their individual reactions to the situation just make it worse for them both - Eddie shutting down makes Myra more hysterical, and her hysterics cause him to shut down more.

People like to cite a couple of damning quotes about Myra as proof that she’s exactly like Sonia, but making that argument requires you to actively ignore the damning quotes about Eddie. There are also quite a few quotes that highlight the differences between her and Sonia, things Eddie himself acknowledges, as well as quotes about the guilt he feels for knowingly projecting his own baggage onto this woman. (Note: see the posts linked at the end of this for a breakdown of all those quotes) The text makes it clear that this was never a happy marriage. Neither of them are better for being in each other’s lives. They don’t help each other become healthier people. Rather, they both actively enable each other’s toxic habits. The marriage is, in a lot of ways, a form of self-harm for Eddie, and he knows it - upon Sonia’s death, he exited the cage his mother built for him and then built a new cage for himself and threw the key at Myra’s feet. For her part, I believe Myra began as an unwitting enabler but ultimately realized that she gained a “purpose” from the relationship (being a caretaker, being “needed”) and subsequently turned a blind eye to all the ways it wasn’t actually a healthy marriage. 

This is such a long post already but I want to make it very clear that Eddie’s cycle of abuse continuing does not actually require Myra herself to be abusive - rather, it is Eddie’s projection onto her that exacerbates the toxic environment. It’s the ghost of Sonia that haunts him in that chapter and throughout the rest of the novel. Myra is not a villain in Eddie’s life - he hardly even thinks about her after he leaves. This is one of the main points that make Eddie and Bev’s parallel arcs different - Bev very clearly has a secondary villain in her life, Tom, and she gets the closure of him dying in the end. But Eddie doesn’t need closure about his marriage, because Myra is just an extension of what Sonia did to him. 

The one time he does think of her unprompted is during his walking tour, and it’s such a great example of what his marriage actually means for him: when faced with the leper offering him a blowjob and other IT manifestations, he wishes he was home with Myra. He doesn’t think of her badly - he’s not afraid of her in any way. But she represents his comfort zone. IT is forcing him to confront things like his repressed sexuality, and he decidedly does not want to do that. That’s the only moment he “misses” Myra. But he doesn’t actually miss Myra. He misses the way her enabling allowed him to escape from having to face himself. And that’s really what it comes down to - Eddie’s marriage is toxic because it’s an escape, a way for him to avoid having to grow as a person and face the hard realities of who he is and what his mother has done to him. Myra isn’t evil, she’s not a calculating abuser like Sonia was, but she is toxic because her very presence prevents Eddie from reaching his full potential and being happy. 

Sonia’s abuse permeates Eddie’s entire life, even well after her death. Her actions dictate how he sees himself, as well as how he acts in relationships. Sonia is the reason Eddie’s marriage is the way it is. Hell, Sonia is the reason Eddie’s marriage exists in the first place. It is Sonia’s ghost that continues to manipulate him throughout the book and it is Sonia’s voice he needs to overcome in the end. If Myra were truly abusive, she would matter more in the overarching narrative of Eddie’s trip to Derry. But she doesn’t matter and because of that, she’s never really given a personality or motivations. She’s truly a blank canvas for Eddie to project his issues onto, and then he simultaneously berates himself for projecting and resents her for existing within his projections. Through all of this, everything always comes back to Sonia. Due to the vast disparity between their respective levels of influence, placing Myra on equal footing with Sonia is, in my opinion, a form of downplaying how bad Sonia truly was. 

Finally, and it’s wild that this even needs to be said, people need to recognize that saying ‘Myra isn’t abusive’ is NOT the same thing as saying she did nothing wrong. Myra was an enabler and that’s not okay, whether she meant to be or not. She also had moments of manipulation, terrible communication skills and poor emotional regulation. She was a toxic presence in Eddie’s life. Saying she isn’t abusive doesn’t mean I’m excusing her actions. But it’s also important to recognize that the chapter in which she appears has a lot more nuance to it than some people realize, and it’s necessary to hold Eddie accountable for his part in making that night so difficult. On that note, holding Eddie accountable and recognizing his harmful moments is not the same as calling him abusive either (fsr that’s become some kind of urban legend, but literally no one ever said he was! ever!!). There does not always have to be an abuser and a victim - sometimes bad relationships are just… bad.

Eddie is obviously a lot more sympathetic than Myra because we know about his past and get his POV. We know that he’s a good person. We also know that Sonia is the root of all of his issues. But the fact is, he has some shitty moments in that chapter, just as Myra does! His past experiences are not an excuse for that, they’re just an explanation. And, because I know there are people out there who equate accountability with victim blaming, being able to recognize where Eddie went wrong and why he entered into this marriage to begin with is NOT the same as saying he deserved any of his misery. There’s a huge, huge difference between accountability and blame. Holding people, even fictional characters, accountable is a good thing. In the end, Eddie is a very damaged person - an inherently good person, to be sure, but sometimes damaged people who are inherently good can, and often do, create, foster, and contribute to unhealthy relationships. It can’t all be unquestioningly pinned on Myra. 

Anyway, if after all of that you’re still confused as to why some people choose not to use the abuse label, here’s some additional reading:

An amazing breakdown of the entire chapter, using quotes, by @tossertozier

A more recent & shorter breakdown using quotes by @richietozierhateblog 

[dgvirtualassistant]

10 Super Useful Tips To Start Freelancing As A Beginner | Filipino Virtual Assistance

Thinking about transitioning freelancing but don’t know where to start? You probably think that freelancing is not for you since you have a misconception that you need to own a degree and competitive skills to be a freelancer. This is just a misunderstanding. What you don’t know is that you can start freelancing as a beginner.

Facts about Freelancing

The freelancing industry is considered one of the top fastest-growing industries. Assessing the viability that brands and businesses saw, the “gig” industry will continue to soar in the coming years.

Here are eight freelancing statistics that will blow your mind:

Freelancing is poised to become the U.S. majority workforce by 2027

Google’s workforce has more freelancers than permanent employees

Countries with lower domestic work opportunities are seeing a surge in freelance professionals.

Freelancers are proving to be game-changers for SMBs

Almost half of all businesses employ freelancers.

Freelancing opportunities are rising, with online freelancing platforms being the catalysts.

Freelancers do work to more than double over the next ten years

12 out of the top 20 in-demand skills for freelancers are related to development.

May you be a writer, social media manager, web developer, graphic artist, or admin assistant, freelancing can be for you. You can start freelancing as a beginner then grow from there. And if you are willing to get out of your comfort zone, you will thrive in this career.

Here are answers to some of the FAQs about freelancing. Check here: https://www.fvaconsultancy.com/how-to-start-freelancing/ for you to be guided.

What is a freelancer?

A freelancer is someone who transitions to work from home, offering services to clients globally. A freelancer can be anyone like a housewife, a mother, a high school graduate, or anybody who wants to earn a side hustle. Or someone who wants to focus on succeeding in freelancing. You can start freelancing as a beginner, cultivate your skills and mindset, and grow your career as time goes by.

As a freelancer, you will experience building your own business while having the freedom to choose your projects and how many hours you will be working with them.

How to Start Freelancing as a Beginner?

Here are ten steps to start your freelancing career as a beginner. This is an ultimate guide and tips for beginner freelancers to leverage in transitioning to this new career path.

Step 1: Get The Right Equipment

Smartphone apps are limited in features. It would be best to have a computer run the software required to do the work properly and deliver excellent results. Getting a laptop or even an old computer would do the trick. You will also need an internet connection. Depending on your tasks, you can use a prepaid internet or a wired or fiber plan. These two pieces of equipment are the two main ingredients to start a work-from-home career. And as you go along, earning more, you can invest invaluable things for your freelancing business.

Step 2: Find A Marketable Skill

Since you will be providing your skills as your services, this is an essential element to start freelancing. Whatever skills you have, the ultimate winning factor to be a competent freelancer is to equip oneself with a skill that has a high demand in the marketplace. Also, cultivating it more through enrolling in online courses, teaching others, or doing it most of the time will level up the one skill you have.

Step 3: Polish Up Your Skills

Once you find a marketable skill, learn the basics, grow your niche, and start getting paid by offering services through your skills.

There are various ways to master your ability. You can watch free tutorials on youtube or google. Yet,  taking online courses is the most effective way to learn and polish up a skill correctly. Developing a skill from scratch takes time. Thus, patience is highly needed to enhance your skillsets effectively. And since freelancing is a competitive industry, continuous learning is imperative to your competence as a freelancer.

Step 4: Build Your Reputation

Proving your skills and work will determine whether you’ll be a successful freelancer or not. This is the beauty of the “gig” industry. You don’t need to have a degree as long as you have what it takes to prove to your clients that you’re skilled at what you do. You will find clients who hire and appreciate you.

So if you are a high school graduate, don’t worry. Learn a single skill, master it and then market your services to clients around the globe. Above all, it is your competencies and the work attitude that will thrive your freelancing career. To build your reputation, emphasize providing value to your clients because, as a freelancer, you are a business partner, not an employee.

Step 5: Create A Portfolio

When marketing yourself as a freelancer, it is vital to show proof of your experiences or skills. You are going to collect the best of your samples and then collate them in a portfolio. So, your portfolio will legitimize your expertise.

A portfolio can be a website or inside a Google drive where you put together and showcase all your work. Or, it can be a simple PDF where you collect all of your samples.

To provide your portfolio conveniently to the client, give them the link for easy access on the client’s end.

Step 6: Try Freelancing Part-Time

Freelancing might be for everyone. Yet, there are instances where a certain individual has no willingness to work harder. It can be an overwhelming feeling to market yourself and deal with clients. If you’re unsure whether freelancing is the right career path for you, the best way to know is to do it part-time.

In doing part-time, you can still work with your existing day job. That’s why, when you feel ready to accept more projects, you can decide whether you should freelance full-time and leave your day job or remain to do it part-time.

Step 7: Find The Right Freelance Platform

If you’re starting with your freelance career, it can be challenging to find work. There are the best freelance websites for beginners to help get you started.

These websites are the perfect way to attract more clients to your services and gain referrals so you can grow your career even more.

Related blog: 33 Best Freelancing Websites that Every Freelancer Should Eye on This 2021

Step 8: Charge The Right Price

Knowing how to price your services is an excellent confirmation that you understand what you do. Others don’t know how to price their services the right way. So, clients never even consider hiring them. Learn to set up your price list by visiting popular freelance marketplaces and see what other freelancers in your niche or industry are charging.

As a newbie, it’s not fair to charge those same prices as experienced freelancers. Offer a price list that is just enough, not too cheap, and not so high.

Step 9: Send Your First Proposal

Now that you are ready to work as a freelancer, start sending applications to clients. It’s not like writing a regular email or writing a social media post. It is marketing your services by sending a cover letter, resume, and portfolio.

Check these blogs here for more tips and guides.

Steps To Writing An Effective Cover Letter and Appealing Resume

A Complete Guide to Help Freelancers Get Hired on Upwork

How to Work From Home as a Virtual Assistant in 2021

Landing Your First Client Even Without Training and Experience

FVA Inspiring Stories: Freelancing Tips To Change Your Life

Step 10: Deliver Beyond Expectations

Once you land a job, the next step is to ensure that you deliver the project just as the client has asked. However, this doesn’t mean that you will provide what is expected from you. One reason for this is that if you want to have premium clients, always provide value. Not only providing outputs for the sake of requirements. Nevertheless, delivering beyond what is expected from you.

Overdeliver the job by going above and beyond the client’s expectations without charging extra for it.

Find a way to do work that goes beyond expectations. And learn to stand out from the crowd. That’s the only way to build a lasting career as a freelancer.

What is stopping you from pursuing freelancing? The same with you, I was an aspiring freelancer who knows nothing about it. In my story, you’ll see how my husband and I struggle as we transition to freelancing.  How to start freelancing with no experience? First, create a freelancing goal, then start with step #1.

Now, are you ready to tackle the world of freelancing? With a lot of dedication and hard work, you’ll be able to create a profitable and prosperous career as a freelancer. That’s a guarantee.

If you want to learn more about freelancing and insights, please check out our courses here https://www.fvaconsultancy.com/. Our Freelancing (Virtual Assistant) Course is tailored to fit those newbies that aim to succeed in the freelancing industry. Or, let’s talk about it, email me at grace@filipinovirtualassistance.com.

[fipindustries]

list of comics i made so far

i already shared the list of all the novels i tried to write throughout my llife so i see no reason why not to do the same with the comics i tried to work on. no i should clarify, with my lists of novels there was a clear cut distinction between what was a novel and a short story so to parse one from the other was an easy task. it should be known that i wrote hundreds of shorts stories that i havent shared with anyone. now a similar situation occurs with my comics, i have done hundreds upon hundreds of little comics, short jokes, little skits and short lived strips through my life, so in order to give this list some weight and not make it longer than the bible the criteria i used was that it had to be something i did on a regular basis or that tells a self contained story with a beggining middle and end.

now without further ado, lets begin!

spike Vanderville (age 7)

you can tell i was way more into comics than i was into novels from a young age. done with pen and folded paper, it was the story about a young kid called spike, whose design was heavily inspired by bradley from sticking around, who had magical powers which allowed him to manipulate reality. it was a mix of harry potter and a series of illustrates short stories that came in a magazine in argentina. his best friend was a scarecrow with a pumpkin head that he had brought to life, his archnemesis was a fat bully.

curiously enough i was so passionate about this project even though i had no idea what i was doing and no talent that i actually did like three full colored issues of it. my family was really proud of me. sadly those comics are completly lost to time

andrew and the monkey (age 10)

this was the classical story about a boy and his best friend the talking animal. one page comedy strips done in pen and paper. nothing too clever, just a way for me to try lame jokes mostly stolen from spongebob squarepants. not much else to it. i tried to do like a revamp in 2014 but it was short lived, as you can see the jokes didnt get any less lame

FIP industries (age 17)

mostly done in digital. yes as you can see fip is something that has followed me my whole life in quite the variety of mediums. there were as a matter of fact multiple attempts to make this comic a real thing but time and again they would peter off as i saw that my skill was just not up to the task. i think i have talked more than enough about fip industries on this blog, one interesting thing is that if you follow the link you will come across a lot of proto ideas that i had before they cemented and took their definite shape in the novel (and even after the novel i kept retconning and retooling things over and over again, fip industries is an ongoing thing that will probably last my entire lifetime)

Disregarding Reality I (age 20)

the first iteration of disregarding reality, a humorous strip done in pencil and paper, a fairly short lived affair, lasting no more than 3 months. the entire premise of the comic was an MRA activist and a feminist live together, they are friends, they argue a lot. remember 2013 guys? back when this whole politics bullshit truly kicked off online? this was before gamer gate, mind you. but by that point i had seen more than enough of it on tumblr and i was like “someone should do some scathing commentary with wit and penache” and that someone had to be me. mainly inspired by commics like f@nboys and el goonish hive and a thousand billion others that were so popular back in those halcyon days.

i got bored of it pretty quickly and it wouldnt be until three years later than i would finally decide to re-start the project but until then...

Strangers in the forest (age 21)

here comes a rather productive era in my ouvre, ink and paper, based on a short story i wrote, its about an eldritch monster pretending to be human and a ghost girl, killed by her father. they have a dispute because the monster wants to eat the corpse of the girl but the ghost doesnt want to give up her bones because its the one thing that tethers her to the mortal plane. they eventually resolve their dispute. by this point i was actually, unironically trying my best to do comics which i felt looked professional.

Song of a nightmare (age 21)

another one based on a short story i wrote. ink and paper, a private detective wakes up in the middle of the night and sees a mermaid lying in bed next to him. he spends most of the comic trying to figure out how the hell is this possible. still one of my favourite ones and certainly one of my family’s and friends favourites as well. a rather poetic tale, strongly inspired by argentinian fiction and their propensity towards magical realism, i was reading a lot of cortazar back then.

Aika (age 21)

as you can tell i was on a fucking roll that year. ink and paper, this was a story based upon a simple and basic idea that i had in my mind for years and years. i always liked the concept behind the movie “the kid” where bruce willis mysteriously comes across himself as a kid. so of course one day i came up with the idea, what if you recieved a visit from your future self... but she was a woman?

this is probably the most aggresively trans story i ever wrote in my life, it is literally about a guy realizing they are trans and breaking down over it. here is the giant kicker, i did not realize at all what i was doing. i was completly unaware of what was going on here, i was still deep deep in the closet and not even realizing i was there. it really is astounding the honesty and the rawness with which i wrote this comic and it went all over my head. a perfect example of “im such a great ally lol”

oh also there is time travel i guess. my main impetus (beyond whatever my subconcious was forcing me to do) was my desire to make a complete clusterfuck of a story, i was a huge fan of homestuck, i had read fleek and demon, i wanted to do my own take on a hypercomplicated time travel puzzle plot. other things came out on top of it but i didnt noticed them. fucking hilarious

Hello Agatha (age 21)

a comedic strip about a wacky pixie dream girl having wacky adventures with her wacky friends, one of which is a man with a toilet for a head. what a gut buster, what a knee slapper!

there is not much to say about this one, wacky surreal comedy was always my favourite and so time and again i would try my hand at it but it is surprisingly hard to do!

The /co/ ventures! (age 20 - age25)

an ongoing project done in multiple mediums. i think i said more than enough about this in here and here. it was me practiscing comics, practiscing my humor and adding my tiny grain of sand to the 4chan culture. i am proud to say these comics were actually very well liked there and that i would be recognized without a name or signature of any kind, just on the strength of my style.

the vest kind of madness (age 22)

probably one of the projects in which i put the biggest amount of effort to make it look professional. traditional inks and digital colors. a crossover that i cant believe never happened in comics considering how obvious it is. Rac Shade, the changing man and delirium of the endless, the two flagship vertigo characters associated with madness. clearly a match made in heaven.

to this day im flabbergasted i seem to be the only one to think of this.

Disregarding Reality II (age 23)

another work where i have already spilled rivers of bytes explaining my thought process behind it. after having a no good, terrible, very bad day, finding my self aimless and without purpose, deep in denial and depression, i decided to give my self a big project to have something to get me out of bed every day. these three guys came from the depths of my mind to save me.

this time leaning a lot more on silly humor and surrealism than political commentary, still insanely proud of how much i managed to make this last, almost three years, well over 200 pages! and in here i found the inspiration and the creative energy to tackle all sorts of diverse projects of which we are about to see all about.

Mama Bird (age 24)

my masterpiece.

by far the best comic i ever did. a kid with a bird for a mom. hilarious, touching, heartbreaking. it was a concept that i had come up with when i was 21. back then it was supposed to be exclusively a humorous comic strip but then i found a dramatic angle for the story and that was when everything clicked into place. that was when i realized this was a comic i had to do. and i did it. it took me five months but it was well worth it. still insanely proud of this one

Soft boys (age 25)

a weird experimental little story where i decided to sit down and deconstruct one of the most popular superpowers. super elasticity. more akin to me just mashing my toys against each other than me trying to tell a serious story. i am actually really happy with some of the art here and some of the sequences presented. particularly the final one where a brick joke twenty pages in the making finally pays off.

Hexen Snatch (age 25)

a semi spinoff to my novel FIP industries, we focus on a side character that managed to survive after the events of the novel and how they’ll manage to survive further beyond that. insanely soaked by the magical world of pact by widbow i wanted desperatly to share my own take on magic, every page is accompanied by a little text where i expand upon the lore and the way magic is supposed to work on this world. i really like the prose on those snippets and the ideas they work almost more that the comic itself with which i was not happy at all when i was working on it. i didnt like the character design, i didnt like how the art in general was coming out, i didnt like the pacing of the story or how superficially we were getting to expore this world in the comic proper. i had to take a very long hiatus just to accumulate the will to finish the comic and once i did i feel it really petered off without much of a satisfying payoff.

on some level i blame the exhaustion and frustration that i came out of this comic with for the fact that i ended up quitting disregarding reality soon afterwards.

Maxplosive (age 26)

another project that has followed me across multiple mediums. came up with an idea for a videogame back in 2015. saved it on the back pocket for a while, used it as a story within a story on my novel fan.tastic, practisced a couple of animations with the characters and eventually decided that, if my skills at videogame making were not enough, i had at least more than poven myself as a comic artist so maybe that was the definitive medium in which this idea would have to exist.

the original idea was to tell the story in two parts, the first half would introduce the character and the videogame as if the comic was a playthrough of the game. all fun and childlike and innocent. then the second half was meant to explore the life of the main character as an adult, how being “a videogame protagonist” had ruined her body, her mental health and her life. i tried all sorts of weird stuff with the format here, using reciclable assets, static camera angles and generally presenting the whole thing as if it was a videogame.

sadly the project got too big for my breaches, i was fucking exhausted back then, swamped with a bunch of other projects, my job, other responsabilities, unsatisfied with the story and with no idea where to take it. eventually i got tired, decided to skip a day, then the day became a week and then the week became a month and by then i had to face the facts, i was just no longer able to continue the comic. and so i quit not only maxplosive but disregarding reality all together.

i still did the occasional comic here and then but it wouldnt be until the very end of 20-fucking-20 that i was finally inspired to tackle a new project, my newest one, my last one....

Lapsarian (age 27)

an interesting experiment, i decided to do the whole comic in one sit and then post it chapter by chapter on a weekly basis. a surprising result of this was that i managed to do in one month the same amoung of pages that would have taken me 5 months back when i started disregarding reality, is good to see that after al this time i still got it.

took me a while to get the hang of it again and find my own style once more but once i armed up it was smooth sailing for 40 pages all the way to the end. but what is this comic even about?

its... weird, with full disclosure and no shame, it is mostly a fetish story about big lizard creatures commiting vore. the milkman had already shown me that i could do those types of stories and no lighting would come from the heavens to strike me down so i said, why not as a comic? i like to think that beyond the fetish content it is still a decent story in its own right, an interesting feedback that i got from this is that people are suprised how earnest it is, one saying something like “this is the best pitch for a fetish that i was never interested in”

Conclussion:

looking back on this im surprised, turns out i was a lot more prolific and working a lot more regularly than i expected, in here are documented ten years of creative output that never seems to wane. it was fun to do the roundabout trip and see how my style, my technice and generally my work ethic evolved through the years. another nice thing to see is the multiple formats, the multiple tools and mediums i experimented with, i find myself constantly trying new things, new methods, new angles, new interesting ideas for how to make a comic (without even getting into what to make a comic about).

something i always knew about myself was that drawing is a fundamental part of who i am, it is something that just cant be taken away from me and that will always be a part of my life one way or the other, is good to see it so plainly, in black and white, on this list. here goes for what i might be able to do in the future