#why did i do so much drawing today. the world may never know.

[ibroughtyoumybullets-ningy]

some one-layer doodles i've been sitting on since The New Normal dropped. can you tell i'm excited for december.

BONUS NONSENSE UNDER CUT

so my friend had never heard of will wood until after she accepted my invite to the concert.

i told her to go in blind.

[paragonrobits]

some important calvin and hobbes facts in case you haven't read the original comic strip in a long time or only absorbed stuff on it from memes and out of context bits on here:

Calvin's last name has never been given, and neither has any of his parent's names. This was actually why his uncle Max only showed up for a brief storyline; the creator of the comic, Bill Watterson, ultimately felt that while it was fine to have him as someone for his parents to talk to, it felt far too awkward to never have Max refer to them by name and he never made a return appearance.

The general tone of the comic is fairly light-hearted, with a big emphasis on goofy slapstick comedy contrasted by clever wordplay and often surprising adult-centered jokes that'll hit you like a slap. A big part of the comedy is, as Watterson put it (paraphrased) "It's really funny to me when people express deeply stupid ideas with really fancy terminology." One notable example you might have seen is that one bit where Calvin asks his mom for money to buy a Satan-worshiping rock album and his mom replies that there's nothing genuine about them and they're just putting on the attitude for shock value, and comisserates with Calvin as he deplores that mainstream nihilism can't be trusted. He concludes that childhood is disillusioning.

There is a LOT of criticism of the extreme materialism and selfish mentality of the late 80s, when the comic was initially written. This may go a long way to explain how its aged so well; much of what it criticizes resonates well with people today.

Bill Watterson views comic strips a legitimate form of artwork, and repeatedly fought to have more space to draw more beautiful and artistic backgrounds, which was a very hard fight and unpopular even with other comic strip artists. He eventually did win some compromises and a lot of Calvin And Hobbes' artwork shows it, with the use of space to indicate time as well as a sharp contrast between the often plain environments of mundane life contrasted by the wildly beautiful imagery of Calvin's imagination (which often sports realistic depictions in an art shift of sorts).

Hobbes is explicitly not an imaginary friend, by word of Watterson himself. We don't know WHAT he is exactly, and Hobbes is apparently unaware of the strange nature of his reality; people look at him and only see an ordinary stuffed tiger plushie, but he has a tangible effect on the world that would be physically impossible for Calvin to do on his own. He's apparently been around for a while, and was apparently around when Calvin was a young baby.

On that note; Hobbes has implicitly killed (notably treated as both a gag and also with the vibe of 'he's a tiger, duh') and while he doesn't do it again on-screen, he doesn't have any moral issues about it. Calvin claims that he's never had trouble bringing Hobbes to school because the last time he did, Hobbes killed and ate a bully named Tommy Chestnut and simply comments that it was gross and he needed a bath. Calvin's tried to repeat this again, but Hobbes was grossed out at the thought having to eat a kid raw and not being allowed to use an oven first, or complaining that children are too fattening.

Hobbes became gradually less human-like in body language and more like an actual cat in both body language and behavior; this was due to Watterson drawing more inspiration from his cat, who also inspired a lot of Hobbes' running gags, such as pouncing on Calvin when he got home. Several years into the syndication of the strip, Watterson's cat passed away, and he did a tribute to her with a comic strip of the two of them agreeing to try to dream together so they can keep playing when they have to sleep; Watterson's commentary (if I recall right), remarks on his cat: "We can see each other again in dreams."

[gatorbites-imagines]

Kinktober day 1

Kakashi Hatake + Body and Cock worship

Happy first day of kinktober everybody!

I don’t really know the full timeline of Naruto, so this just takes place sometime before Kakashi became Hokage, so he could still take anbu missions. Readers a jonin, and has served in the Anbu, but doesn’t anymore. Reader used to be Anbu Leopard.

this is not proofread, enjoy anyways.

Kinktober 2024 masterlist

It was late, and you were meant to be asleep. That of course didn’t mean you were. As a jonin, and former anbu, sleep didn’t come easy. You weren’t from a clan, which had made the climb to your status extra hard and had left you jagged and sharp edged towards the world around you. As a civilian, the Shinobi world was difficult. Not just because there were less to seek revenge when you died, but also because most of the clans ran everything. And even if they didn’t mean too, then they still looked down on civilians. It was why you had quite a soft spot for Kakashi’s student, Sakura.

You had been doing nothing much, simply sitting in your kitchen staring down at a formerly hot mug of tea. You didn’t even like this kind, but Kakashi did, and had stuffed way too much of it into your cupboards for when he visited. With a sigh you were about to stand up to pour it down the sink, when the smallest amount of chakra tickled in the back of your senses.

You may have been shirtless, but that didn’t leave you defenseless. The seals on the inner sides of each wrist flickered, and your beloved tekko kagi weighed comfortably around your hands, chakra adding speed and precision to your strike. It was only registered last moment what mask you were staring back at, Kakashi’s stupid hound mask.

The claws of your tekko kagi slammed into the wall, merely centimeters apart from your lovers masked face, leaving deep gouges in the wall. You were so making him pay for that, even if hed whine about it. “Kaka-“ you growled out, only for his glowed finger to press against your lips, making your brows furrow in annoyance. So, this was his game, huh?

Both of your hands were against the wall, caging your partner in, one hand buried into the wood by the claws of your favored weapon, as the other simply rested against it. Back in the day you had wanted to be different, to stand out from the clan members that surrounded you, so the tekko kagi became yours. It had led to quite a few teasing comments from more than just Kakashi when you became Anbu Leopard.

You squinted at him, and his teasing mirthful eyes could be felt even if you couldn’t so them. Kakashi’s hands both placed on your shoulders, slowly sliding down, drawing a pathway across the myriad of scars that littered your body. All shinobi had them, some more than others, and some came from training themselves bloody. Something you were quite guilty of, even nowadays.

The noise that left your chest could almost have been called a growl, or maybe more akin to the annoyed grumble of a big feline getting chewed on by some bumbling hound who’d decided they were friends. But you could never turn down the image of Kakashi sliding to his knees in front of you, making you lean your head against the wall so you could look down, truly caging him in.

There was more to his touches than just lust today, something more reverent and needy, like he needed to touch you to feel like himself. It had been a difficult mission then. It was something you recognized yourself. Some missions left you feeling less like a person and like you weren’t even in your own body, and you needed something to ground you. The self-inflicted crisscross of scars on your arms reminded you of what you used to do before you had Kakashi, back when you had yourself and only yourself. Of course, that was just what you believed, and now you know your comrades priced you just as much as the next. But old habits die hard.

All the thinking had distracted you long enough for you not to notice Kakashi sliding the casual pants you wore down, just enough to free the halfchub you had gained from seeing him down there. His mouth was warm and wet, like always, but there was something hungrier about the way he moved and suckled.

The hand not stuck in the wall reached down, a small flick of chakra sending your weapon back into its seal, carefully sliding into his silver hair. You couldn’t see his face, the mask had been pushed up so all you got to look at was the slow movements of your lovers’ head, and that painted porcelain face staring back at you.

Kakashi wasn’t pushing himself to get it going as quickly as possible like usual. He may seem all calm and laid back, but you knew how desperate he got when Kakashi was in the mood. The only thing keeping the Hatake from climbing you in public was sheer politeness, and some days you had a feeling even that was barely holding him back. You blamed those books of his. You had tried to read them once, planning to do a little roleplay for his birthday, but you couldn’t get into it. you still did it though, and Kakashi still brought I up when he was feeling extra needy.

The hand clenched into his hair, a shaky breath leaving you as you felt more than saw his mouth pop off your tip, just to lick down, following the veins down to your sack. You could feel his lips mouthing at you, tongue lapping at the skin he could find, the feeling of being not just licked but downright worshipped making your face red.

“K- Hound, what are you doing” you get out between gritted teeth, barely keeping yourself back from saying his name and using his title instead. Some days he just wanted to be Hound more than Kakashi, and who were you to judge.

Of course, he didn’t answer, as Anbu only spoke when absolutely necessary. Instead, his mouth just traveled further down, a jolt running down your spine as the tip of his tongue brushed against your taint of all placed. You almost wanted to slap him, because what the hell was that all of a sudden?

You caught yourself though, instead just wrenching his head back up by his hair, pulling him closer to your front again, where Kakashi thankfully wrapped his lips back around your shaft again. His bopping was more insistent now, like you giving him a nonverbal order got him into gear. A huff left you as you started rocking your hips, letting Kakashi do most of the work. You never really knew what to do when he got in these… almost worshipping moods. You didn’t feel like somebody worth worshipping, but Kakashi clearly did.

The heat gathering in your body was slow building, like a pot slowly heating up on low flame. When Kakashi got like this, he liked to go slow, to work you up before getting his price, as if he needed to prove himself worthy of getting. You would be happy to just fuck his face and get it over with, but Kakashi always got so nice and pliant afterwards and let you take care of him for once.

“Get ready” you grumble out, brows pinched together as you clench your eyes shut, teeth digging into the inside of your lips. Kakashi’s throat fluttered from what you knew was excitement, your silver haired lover burying his nose into your curls and humming, the first noise he had made all night.

You still wanted to smack him as your knees weakened, making you lean further against the wall as you spilled down his throat, Kakashi’s gulps just feeling like he was gloating. Past experience made you know Kakashi would stay like this all night if you let him, here on his knees against the wall with his mouth on you. That wasn’t good for him though, and of course you. The soft almost silent whine that came from him had you chuckling, pulling your lover to his feet, finally letting you see his slick mouth as his tongue flicked out to lick it clean.

You rolled your eyes with a smirk, ruffling up his hair even more than before. “Come on Hound, if your fast ill let you lick the water off my body” you rumble, turning around and wandering towards the shower. His footsteps were completely silent, as always, but the small flickers in the chakra told you he wanted to shake out of his skin. Sure, it was weird to see the mask in the shower, or in bed, but who were you to complain. You were definitely forcing him to have a selfcare day tomorrow though, no questions asked.

[waitimcomingtoo]

Come Morning Light

Pairing: Peeta Mellark x Reader

Synopsis: you and Peeta spend a lazy day together, baking bread and drawing. takes place after first games before cf

After learning from Effie that you had a rare day off, you made your way over to Peeta’s house in the Victors Village. Things had been weird between you since returning from the games and you wanted a chance to spend some time with him to settle things. You knocked on his door and when you found it open, you made your way inside.

“Oh. Hey.” He smiled when you found him in his kitchen.

“Hey. Did I hear correctly that we actually have the day off?”

“We do. And Effie made it very clear we’re not getting another one anytime soon. So we better enjoy it.”

“How are you gonna spend it?” You asked as you leaned against his kitchen table.

“I’m just gonna bake some bread and watch the rain. All boring stuff.” Peeta said with a soft smile. Peeta thought you would leave after that, but you didn’t budge.

“Why? What were you gonna do?” He asked curiously.

“Bother you.” You shrugged with a coy smile. Peeta returned the smile when he realized you wanted to hang out but didn’t know how to ask.

“Impossible. You never bother me.” He declared.

“Never? Even after all the times I’ve woken you up screaming?”

“No. Because when I hear screaming, I know that means I get to hold you. So no, you’re never a bother.” Peeta said as if it were the most simple thing in the world. You looked down to hide the smile that he always managed to put on your face. He could never know how much you missed that reassurance that he would always be there for you when you had your nightmares.

“You know, Haymitch once told me I could live a thousand lives and never deserve you.” You told him.

“Oh, did he?” Peeta smirked and folded his arms.

“I think it may have been one of the rare times he was right about something.” You said playfully. Peeta felt ecstatic to hear you say this, but played it cool.

“Well. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.” He replied. You smiled at him before going over to where he had his baking supplies set up.

“So what kind of bread are we making today?” You asked as you picked up his apron. He playfully snatched it from you and tied it around it waist. You pretended to be offended for a second, but he was quick to provide you with a matching apron. You didn’t know why he had two if he lived alone, but you didn’t question it. You just held out hope that maybe it was for you.

“I’m making challah bread. You can just sit there and look pretty.” Peeta nodded towards his kitchen table as he tied your apron around your waist.

“Peeta, I won the Hunger Games with nothing but a bow and some berries. What makes you think I can’t make bread?” You raised an eyebrow at him.

“I know you can’t make bread.” He insisted. “And I know that because before you win the game, you fed me disgusting soup.”

“You said you liked my cave soup.” You gasped.

“I was trying to spare your feelings.” He said with a cheeky smile. You pretended to be offended again and threw some flour at his face.

“Wow, Peeta. Next time you get injured, don’t come to me for help.”

“Well I definitely won’t come to you for food.” He said out of the corner of his mouth. You gasped and tried to throw more flour at him but he caught your wrist and spun you around. You smiled at the gesture before playfully shoving him away.

“Please let me help. I’ll do better then the cave soup. I promise.”

“Fine. You can mix this.” Peeta said as he poured two cups of something into a mixing bowl and handed it to you. You smiled proudly and mixed the contents of the bowl with a wooden spatula.

“Is this important? Am I being helpful?” You asked as you mixed.

“No. That was just two cups of flour. You didn’t actually mix anything.” Peeta admitted. You looked up at him in surprise and he was armed and ready with a handful of flour. He tossed it at your face and laughed as you coughed.

“Peeta. Let me help.” You whined as you cleaned your face.

“Just leave the baking to the baker, all right? I don’t show up in the woods and try to hunt.” He teased as he folded some eggs into his dough.

You watched him expertly mix the dough until a light and fluffy consistency was left in the bowl. You couldn’t help but admire the way he worked, moving as if with muscle memory. To get a better look, you wrapped your arms around his waist and rested your chin on his shoulder. Peeta stiffened for a moment, then relaxed into you.

“There’s no cameras in here, you know. You don’t have to pretend.” He said quietly. You were surprised by this comment and pressed your cheek against his shoulder.

“I’m not pretending anything.” You told him. “I just wanted to hold you.”

“So you’re not acting? You really want to help me bake bread?” Peeta asked skeptically as he turned around in your arms. You toyed with the strings of his apron for a second before looking up into his eyes.

“I really do.” You answered honestly. “We never get to do anything normal together. I just wanted one day where we can just be us.”

Peeta stared into your eyes for a while as he tried to decide whether he should believe you or not. He so badly wanted to, but could never fully let his guard down around you after you revealed the way you acted in the first games was partially an act.

“Okay. Come here. We have to knead the bread.” Peeta said once he decided he was satisfied with your answer. He pulled you by the hand and placed you in front of him before wrapping both arms around you.

“Oh no.” You chuckled dryly, knowing exactly what he was doing.

“Oh yes. I’m a romantic. This is how we teach.” Peeta said as he put his hands over yours and began to knead the bread. You had seen this scene play out in old romantic movies that sometimes played on your TV and you knew Peeta must’ve seen them too. It was stupid, but it made you feel good inside.

“Do you teach everyone to knead bread like this?” You looked over your shoulder to question him.

“I don’t exactly go around teaching people how to make bread.” Peeta chuckled.

“Oh. I must be special then.” You smiled coyly and made eye contact with him over your shoulder. He was so close that you could feel his breath on the back of your neck and it sent tingles down your spine.

“Must be.” Peeta mumbled in your ear. You gulped and felt your face heat up, feeling grateful Peeta was behind you so he couldn’t see what he was doing to you. He continued to use his strong hands to make yours knead the bread.

“I hate the way this feels.” You said to break the silence.

“Then you’re gonna hate to hear that we have to do this for at least ten minutes.” Peeta laughed as you groaned.

“Peeta.” You whined but didn’t try to stop.

“You’re the one who wanted to stay and make bread. You could’ve run off into the forest to hunt with Gale, but you chose to spend your day off with me.” He reminded you.

“You’re right. I did.” You agreed with him as you squished the bread between your fingers.

“Where is Gale, anyway?” Peeta asked, and you could tell his intentions no matter how cool he tried to play it. He wanted to know if you were only with him today because Gale was busy.

“Probably at the Hob or something.” You shrugged. “I’m not really sure.”

“You don’t know where he is? Aren’t you guys always together?”

“Not always. I’m with you.” You said and looked over your shoulder at him. Peeta smiled timidly as he looked into your eyes.

“You’re with me?” He asked hopefully.

“Yeah. I’m with you.” You smiled at him before returned your attention to the bread.

“I can’t help but wonder for how long.” Peeta said softly. There was no self-pity in his voice, just an honest expression. You stared into the dough and felt guilty pile up in your stomach.

“I know it’s confusing. I know I’m confusing. I wish I had more answers to give you.” You said quietly without looking at him.

“It’s okay. I’m happy just doing this.” Peeta answered honestly.

“So am I.” You realized and leaned back into him.

You continued to knead the bread in comfortable silence as a gentle rain patter hit the windows. You couldn’t remember the last time you felt peace like this, peace only Peeta could give you.

“Is it done yet because it’s seriously grossing me out.” You said after a minute of the silence.

“It’s done.” Peeta chuckled. “You’re free.”

You slipped your hands out of his and quickly ran to the sink to rinse them.

“Ew, ew, ew.” You grimaced as you cleaned your hands. “That was grosser than when I had to clean out your leg wound.”

“Really? This is more disgusting than that?” Peeta laughed in surprise.

“Yes. I don’t know how you do it.” You stuck your tongue out as you dried your hands.

“I’m a baker. It’s my passion. I don’t know how you skin animals and don’t throw up.” Peeta remarked as he tossed the dough around a little and worked his hands into it. You shamelessly watched him do this for a second before snapping out of it.

“I’m a hunter. It’s my passion.” You humored him. Peeta looked at you fondly as he let out a laugh.

“You’re funny when you want to be.” He remarked as he put the loaf in the oven.

“Not you, though. You’re always funny. Even in the most life threatening situations, you’ve still made me laugh. And nobody can make me laugh.”

“I’ve noticed that. That nobody else can do it. Maybe that’s why I try so hard to be the one who can.” He admitted as he stared at you with that ever present fondness.

“Well it works.” You shrugged and held his gaze. You stared at each other for a moment before looking away in embarrassment.

“So how long does that bake for?” You asked him.

“30 minutes. Then we test it to see if it’s risen.”

“Hm. What should we do for the next 30 minutes?”

“Actually, there is something I’ve always wanted to do.” Peeta said with a timid smile.

“Uh oh. What’s that?” You asked coyly.

“Draw you. If that’s okay.”

“Haven’t you drawn me before?” You asked, knowing you’d caught glimpses of his sketches every now and then.

“Yes. But they’re all side profiles because I draw you when you aren’t looking. I want one of you facing front.”

“Okay.” You agreed as your face heated up from the request. Peeta grinned and went to grab his sketchbook as you sat on his couch. You felt the almost untouched furniture and felt sad that he lived in this great big house all by himself. When he came back, he positioned himself across from you and looked up eagerly.

“How should I pose?” You asked and raised your arms in a dramatic way you’d seen people in The Capital pose.

“Just relax. Sit how you would normally sit.” Peeta chuckled and began to sketch out your face.

“Well I don’t remember how to do that anymore.” You realized as you awkwardly shifted in your seat.

“Then just pick a way to sit and stay like that.” Peeta laughed again. You obliged and relaxed into his couch as you stared at him. He sketched the outline of your head while you studied his face closely. The sun was beginning to dim below the horizon, making Peeta’s foyer his favorite color, a soft orange. The way the light hit him made his blonde hair and eyelashes appear golden.

“Your eyelashes are so blond.” You commented without thinking.

“What?” Peeta looked up as his entire face turned red.

“I’ve never noticed that before. They’re so blond and shiny. They look almost golden from here. Like Effie’s hair.”

“This place gets really good lighting. It’s a shame I’m the only one who knows that.” Peeta said with a sad smile.

“Now you’re one of two who knows.” You replied, making his smile go from sad to lovelorn.

“That’s true.” He said softly. You exchanged a smile before he went back to drawing you. You felt like you were spying on him from his closely you were watching him but you never got to see him this peaceful. You studied the way his hands moved around his sketchbook and admired how they somehow knew exactly where to go.

“What are you staring at?” Peeta asked, catching you in the act. You gulped and knew you were caught, so you just came clean.

“Your hands.” You admitted and didn’t meet his eyes.

“Why?” He asked, face still in a rose blush.

“I can’t talk. I’m posing.” You said in an attempt to change the subject with a joke.

“You’re all done posing, actually. Come take a look.” Peeta said. You got up from your couch and leaned over him to look at what he had drawn. On his sketch pad was a perfect little charcoal drawing of you. You hadn’t posed for him yet he managed to perfectly capture your most neutral expression. You knew he most likely drew it from memory since you were definitely no help while posing.

“Peeta. That’s beautiful.” You gasped and looked into his eyes. Peeta looked up at you as you leaned over him and blinked slowly.

“Yeah. You are.” He spoke softly. You looked into Peeta’s eyes before letting your gaze drop down to his lips. Before you could psych yourself out, you leaned down to kiss him. Your lips had merely brushed his when the timer went off, making you jump at the sound.

“The bread is-“

Peeta cut your sentence off by tilting his chin the rest of the way up to kiss you. He sat up on his knees and slipped a hand behind your head to properly kiss you as the timer continued to go off in the background. When he pulled away, you were left breathless while he moved some hair off your forehead.

“Sorry. I wasn’t about to miss out on that kiss for bread.” Peeta smirked as he got off the couch. You watched him walk back into the kitchen and touched your fingertips to your lips. You were still buzzing from the kiss as you walked into the kitchen.

“It smells amazing. I can’t wait to try it.” You smiled politely while Peeta took the bread out of the oven. Once it cooled, you took a knife and went to cut into it.

“Woah woah, what are you doing?” Peeta stopped you.

“Cutting the bread?”

“You can’t just hack into it. There is an art to cutting bread, my dear. Here. Let me show you.” Peeta said as he wrapped his arms around you from behind again.

“Oh boy. Here we go.” You playfully rolled your eyes but didn’t protest.

“It’s like this. Yeah?” He said into your ear. You stayed silent as you watched his hands work over yours to cut the bread into perfect diagonal slices.

“You staring at my hands again?” He asked suddenly, making you freeze.

“Maybe.”

“Why do you keep doing that?” He chuckled softly in your ear.

“I don’t know. Maybe I just like them and can’t really explain why.”

“I know the feeling.” He whispered in your ear after a beat of silence. Peeta let go of one of your hands and used it to touch your side braid.

“Your braid is on a different side today.”

“Oh. Yeah. It is.” You gulped as he toyed with the end of your braid. His hand moved to your shoulder as he placed a kiss on the side of your neck that your braid wasn’t on. It sent shivers down your spine and you didn’t want him to stop.

“I like it.” He whispered against your skin and placed another kiss on your neck.

“You noticed that it was different?” You asked as you turned around in his arms.

“I notice everything about you.” Peeta said simply. You looked into his eyes and smiled before taking hand hand. You brought two prices of bread over to his front door and opened it. You sat across from each other and watched the late afternoon rain that drizzled through the dimming sunshine. You bit into the warm bread and listened the rain falling while Peeta just watched you. When you noticed him staring, you gave him a pointed look and nudged his shoe with your foot.

“You know, Effie told me there’s a stove on the train.” You told him.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Maybe you can show me how to make cake tomorrow?” You asked, making Peeta’s smile grow.

“Sure.” He nodded. “Anything you want.”

[thursdayinspace]

For today's morning smutlet, I was having feelings about early season 2, because I always have feelings about early season 2 so that's not special. Buuuuut my head was like "omg imagine they'd lost all hope of the files ever being reopened? And they'd decided there was really no point denying their feelings anymore? I mean look at the way they look at each other; THEY'RE IN LOVE YOUR HONOR. Anyway. Smut.

“This is such a bad idea,” she says, but she can’t keep the smile off her face and he can’t remember ever being this happy.

“A terrible idea,” he agrees. He kisses her lips, her nose, her cheeks, her forehead, her lips again. She’s naked beside him on her bed and she’s as gorgeous as he tried so hard not to imagine for so long.

“But why is it a bad idea again?” she asks, and he pulls back, shaking his head, trying to come up with a reason.

“I don’t know,” he admits. “Maybe it isn’t.”

She doesn’t mention work, for which he is grateful, but he knows she’s thinking the same thing he’s thinking. The fact that the files are closed, probably forever, hurts like hell, the fact that they may never work together again hurts even worse, but the fact that they no longer have any reason to deny themselves this makes up for all of it.

“I think I don’t care,” she says, and he agrees. None of it matters. All that matters is her. Them.

Her skin is soft under his hands, under his lips as he kisses his way down her perfect body. She’s wet for him and he’s so hungry for her. She tastes like heaven. Her hands come down onto his head and she lets out a soft, eager whimper as he explores her, licks between her folds, flicks her clit with his tongue, sucks it between his lips. Testing and learning how to draw sounds from her, how to make her thighs clench and tremble, how to make her lose control. It takes her a while but he doesn’t care, he’d do this forever. And when she comes he almost comes with her; the knowledge that he did this for her is almost enough to push him over the edge. Instead, he makes his way back up to her, rests his head over her pounding heart and feels like he could fly.

He waits until her breathing has calmed, until she rolls onto her back and pulls him with her, drawing him on top of her. The metaphor is so trite and cheesy and he never liked it, but he feels it in this moment: sliding into her feels like coming home. She’s tight and hot around him and they’re connected, their bodies following where their hearts went long ago. *I love you*, he thinks, but it’s too soon. Maybe tomorrow. He doesn’t know if he can wait much longer than that to tell her, tell her what he now knows he’s been feeling since last year in Oregon.

Moving in her feels like the most natural thing in the world. She clings to him and keeps her eyes locked with his, and he can see it, he can see his feelings reflected back to him. He thinks he might cry but what comes out instead is a laugh of pure joy and gratitude that makes his head spin. She grins at him and cards her hands through his hair, and he lets his forehead drop against hers and rolls his hips harder, making her gasp and grip onto his biceps with surprising strength. He wants her to leave bruises.

Her legs come up around his waist and he thrusts into her in a rhythm set by need, but he feels no urgency, no desperation, none of the things that squeezed like a vice around his heart these past few weeks.

When she comes a second time, he can’t hold back any longer, and his orgasm hits him so hard he can’t breathe, and it’s release and relief and a gift from her all at the same time.

She falls asleep in his arms that night and he stays awake for as long as he can, not wanting to miss a moment. If he couldn’t think of a reason not to do this earlier, he knows now that they’re never going to be able to stop. Another trite and cheesy phrase he’s heard too often and never liked, but suddenly he understands: when you know, you know. And he knows. He knows.

[sturnsdc]

ART CLASS AU!

pair: Carl Grimes x fem!reader

synopsis: Yn has feelings for her classmate, Carl, but she never does anything about it. However, things seem to work in her favor when they have to work on a project together for the art class.

warnings: no TWD scenes, just fluff, slight angst, somewhat obsessive behavior ??

words: 2,4k

A/N: to make the narration clearer: at all times, Yn is writing in her diary, which is why at times she will speak about Carl, and at other times it may seem like she’s speaking directly to him (but she’s not)!! For the most part, it’s just a bunch of fragments from her diary, as she explains a bit at the end.

this came to my mind suddenly; i apologize for it being so short.

the words in italics are the lyrics of the song !!

dividers from: @cafekitsune ! ♡

main masterlist carl masterlist

YN´S POV

you look pretty good today

is it me or did you shave?

sometimes i wonder if it's normal, if it's real. With each passing day, he seems to become more handsome, and like a magnet, he keeps drawing my gaze again and again. It feels like i can't control it.

i notice when he wears a new shirt, or when he’s wearing the same pants from a few days ago. I notice when he forgets something, when he’s focused, or when he gets distracted.

i just can’t stop noticing him.

good, you've been looking at me twice as more

so i can see your face

when we make eye contact, i feel like i’m going to die. My heart races, my cheeks turn red, my hands sweat, and i stop breathing. Even my stomach tightens, my whole body tenses up. The first time it happened, i thought i was having an attack.

secretly, i enjoy it because when i feel his gaze, i have an excuse to turn my head, look at him, and smile. I don’t even know where i find the courage, but he smiles back at me, with tight lips, then looks away after a few seconds.

my friends told me not to overthink it, that maybe i’m just misinterpreting things. They say if “i keep analyzing every time we make eye contact”, i’ll end up falling for him, and then he’ll break my heart by not feeling the same way.

you sit across from me in the classroom

but do you even know my name?

then i tried to avoid him. He probably doesn’t even know who i am. Does he even know my name? i doubt it; they hardly ever say it out loud in class. I don’t even know everyone else’s names.

but then everything seems to align, and the teacher walks to that side of the room while giving the lesson, as if she knows i’m following her with my eyes. And there he is, on the other side of the classroom, in his plaid shirt and with those pretty eyes, taking notes on everything she’s saying… while i lose my breath and forget what i was listening to.

Carl... i do know your name.

if you want to ask me how i am

don't hesitate

it was a couple of days after the teacher announced the final project. The art class would have to hold a fair, showcasing our own works, from paintings to ceramics. It had to be in pairs, but we couldn’t pick our usual partners. We had to step out of our bubbles and take a risk.

i thought about him, but my embarrassment consumed me, so i let the days pass. And just two days before the next class, i ran into him in the hallway. He seemed surprised. His blue eyes looked at me in a strange way, almost like he was unsure of something. Then he made a move to come closer, and i started to get nervous.

he did it; i didn’t expect him to. He spoke to me, asked if we could pair up, and all i could do was say yes, with a dazed look and stumbling over my words. Then he smiled, like i’d never seen him smile before. His face lit up, and he walked away, happy.

did i do the right thing? how am i gonna focus if i could barely even speak to him?

'cause you're my cru-cru-crush

and i like you very much

i have to admit, Carl Grimes is a special guy. I can’t stop thinking about him, about the little details i’ve noticed, about the brief interactions we’ve had. It’s like my world is starting to revolve around him.

he’s a gentleman—so masculine yet so gentle. He speaks to me with such care, even though i’ve seen him outside of class, joking roughly and arguing with his friends. He’s the complete opposite.

i like this side of him, when he focuses all his attention on me, asks for my opinion, and smiles at me. I haven’t seen him talk like that with anyone else. 

should i get my hopes up?

and i'd appreciate if you'd like me back

but it's okay 'cause you make my heart

we started talking about the project.

he’s so smart, coming up with amazing ideas, and i stress over not knowing which one to choose. however, he doesn’t seem worried; he waits for my answer patiently, as if we had all the time in the world, which isn’t true since we have to submit the work plan by the end of the class. but he doesn’t pressure me—he asks for my opinion on each idea and helps me weigh the pros and cons.

we chose one together, and then i started writing our plan.

but… something… feels off. We keep making eye contact, and i smile like a fool, watching as he does the same. Is this really happening? i feel like we’re in a bubble. time no longer exists, air isn’t even necessary—just us.

and then i find myself hoping that he feels the same, because i love how it feels to talk to him, to be the center of his attention, even if just for a moment.

an art class

an art class

art class used to be my escape from other subjects, a room where i felt safe. Then i saw him, and it became more than just that. Thinking about art class sends tingles through my body and instantly puts a smile on my face. My heart races like crazy, and i’m filled with excitement. And it’s all because of him.

now, art class has become something that makes me genuinely happy, motivating me to go to school.

even with the project, i’ve never been this excited to work on an assignment before, but now that i’m at his house, meeting his dad and his sister, and then heading to his room to start working on our project… i feel like i love classwork.

why do you always stick to smiling

and sit still being so quiet?

i feel like he's in the hallways more often now, because i see him every day. Sometimes i'm just turning a corner, and there he is, with his group of friends, laughing and being the smiley guy i used to see only once in a while. 

he's everywhere, all the time. What's going on?

now it's impossible not to notice him, because he's always there. Sometimes i don't even have to see him, because i can hear his laugh, or his friends', and i know we’re in the same place. 

how can he be so loud, but so damn quiet in class? i don’t get it.

it's like a completely different version of him, but i don't mind at all, it's just... weird. 

i've been pretty distracted for some days

and it's ruining my diet

the days go by, and each time i get to know him more and more. He's amazing, funny, super smart, mature, and adorable. I've also gotten to know his family better, and i understand more where that calm and controlled side he shows in class comes from.

everything seems wonderful, and i know my feelings are only growing with each passing minute, but he's starting to occupy my mind all the time, and that's becoming a problem.

my friends talk during lunch, but all i can think about is our conversation from the day before, when we got sidetracked from the project, and he started explaining the story of one of his comics. I can remember how his eyes lit up as he told me about it, and i just kept asking questions, even though i already knew the stories. I love the passion with which he spoke about it. I remember his tone of voice, the way he moved his head, and how his eyes looked at me so attentively. I recall almost every word, but then, when my mind is at its peak, i see my friends getting up from their seats, looking at me with puzzled and concerned faces.

lunch ended, and i didn’t even touch my food.

Carl Grimes, i need to figure this out soon.

if you don't take the hint already

i'm afraid i'll start a riot

i’m trying to figure out if it’s just me, Carl, but i really don’t understand—do you look at me the way i look at you?

now i try to avoid looking at you if i don’t have to, but then i feel a constant gaze, and when i turn my head, there you are, trying to look away as quickly as you can. Am i imagining this?

i feel the frustration building inside me, Carl. I need to know.

today, i try wearing different clothes, the ones i save in my closet for occasions outside of class, the ones i wear when i feel confident. But this time, i don’t feel that way. This time, i’m scared. I want you to notice. I want to know if you care, if you’ll say something.

'cause you make my whole world go crazy

yeah, your smell just sends me flying

and you did, Carl. You told me i looked good, then you got nervous and said i always look good, just that this time i looked different. If you only knew how much that meant to me.

since then, days have gone by, and i feel like you’re paying more attention to me— or have you always done that and i’m just now noticing?

you also started wearing a new cologne; it’s stronger and lingers in the air when you pass by me. Is that on purpose? now i can’t stop thinking about how good you smell, and that alone is enough to keep me floating, my mind in paradise, thinking about how much i like you.

'cause you're my cru-cru-crush

and i like you very much

today i told my friends how i feel about you. They looked at me with pity and talked to me like i was a little girl. They say you don’t feel the same, that i’m imagining everything, and that i’ll end up hurt if i keep this up.

am i really that out of my mind? they say i’m obsessed, that i’m seeing things where there aren’t any.

but they were the ones who told me the first time you looked back at me.

and i'd appreciate if you'd like me back

but it's okay 'cause you make my heart

i've spent some nights crying, and now i’m trying to avoid you. It's so hard when we still have to keep working on the damn project.

i’m scared of getting my hopes up. I started this on my own. you’re not to blame, but now i wish i didn’t have to see you for a couple of weeks.

an art class

an art class

and yet, that day of the week arrives, and along with the anxiety, i can feel the excitement trying to break free. My heart races, my hands sweat, and i can’t catch my breath.

“art class,” says the sign on the door, and just that is enough to shake my entire world and bring back the feelings i’m trying to ignore.

all my days

been trying to find a reason to stay

i keep hearing my friends' words every time i see you, and now i feel guilt, embarrassment, and a horrible pain in my chest that settles in my heart, right next to the happiness you bring me. It makes me feel sick and confused.

you've asked me a couple of times if i'm okay, but how could i answer you with the truth?

say my name

and i'll go ahead and pick a date

i'm okay

if you understand that this is fate

the day of the exhibition arrived, and i’m nervous, and you notice it, so you take my hand and smile at me. You told me everything would be fine, that we did great, and that we would do really well.

you were right. Of course you were...

we spent the whole day there, answering questions and receiving compliments. We really did a good job, and everyone keeps saying that.

now i feel exhausted. All day i had to manage my emotions—the mix of anxiety, the pain in my chest, happiness, satisfaction... and love, the damn love. I feel like handling all that drained me more than talking to so many people and repeating the same words over and over.

finally, we can leave, but then you take my hand again and make me look at you. This time you look more serious, and i start to get scared, but you don’t say anything bad.

“i’m going to be honest, Yn, i loved working with you on this and getting to know you better. Since i saw you in class, something about you caught my attention, but i didn’t know how to approach you. This was the perfect opportunity, and i took it. I understand if you don’t feel the same way i do, but if you do... i’d like to get to know you more and see what can come of this.” that’s what you said, your face blushing and your eyes looking everywhere but at me.

if you only knew that when i got home, i cried, feeling so happy, kicking my legs on the bed like a tv character, and squealing into my pillow so no one would hear me. with my face red and a huge smile.

now we’re going on a date, and i just hope this turns out well.

Carl Grimes, what have you done to me?

art class

art class

i don’t even know when i started smiling, but i finished reading aloud and looked around. Carl, beside me, was smiling widely, and our two little ones had tears in their eyes; apparently, they were moved by the story of how it all began.

i recently found my diary from when i was a teenager, and i told Carl about it in front of the girls, and they both begged me to read it to them. Of course, i paused at the perfect part, at the true beginning of our relationship, but within those pages is everything, including the story of our first time and countless anecdotes from our school days.

i will always be grateful for that class because that’s how i got to know the man who makes me happy.

Carl Grimes is more than my words can describe, but i think i did a good job explaining how i fell for him.

who would have thought that a couple of years later, this would be our life?

in the end, maybe it was part of our destiny.

taglist: @jamiesturniolo

[dandylovesturtles]

More TMNT AU Comp propaganda! It's for 100 Feet and a World Away this time!

Today's special guest star is Raph from Empyrean Weeping by @cupcakeslushie ! Cupcake has been very kind to me since I joined the Rise fandom and her AU is just incredible! If you're somehow not already following it go check it out!

(I reference one of the later comics that may not line up with the timeline the boys are supposed to be at for the comp haha... but hopefully that's alright!)

This is the direct sequel to this ask that I answered yesterday (the 100ft part of it). Laxative pranks can actually be super dangerous and I am exploiting that for angst. ^^

cw: emeto (vomit); it's quick and not very graphic but it's there

-----

There's so many turtles crammed into this space and way too many of them look like his little brother. Trying to find Mikey is starting to feel like... what do the scientists say? A needle in hay? Something like that.

None of this is helping the panic that's spiking in Leo's chest. They've never been apart - not like this, not where Mikey is free to move and Leo has no way of knowing where he is or who he's with. Calling his name in this crowd doesn't help; the only thing he has going for him is his Mikey is the one not wearing an orange mask.

His Mikey is the one not- oh!

Leo's relief at finding him dies instantly when he sees the state his little brother is in.

Mikey's standing, but he has his arms curled tight around his stomach. He's swaying slightly on his feet, and when Leo gets closer he realizes that Mikey's lips are stained blue.

"Mikey!" he calls as he jogs up, putting his hands firmly on Mikey's shoulders. He's shaking, and Leo doesn't feel very stable himself. "Mikey, what's wrong? What happened?"

Mikey's glassy eyes finally find Leo's face, and the relief that washes over him is visible. Leo wishes he felt as good about the situation. "Leo... Mm." He swallows miserably. "Don't feel good."

"What hurts? Your stomach?"

"Mm-hm..."

"Are you going to throw up?"

"...Mm-hm."

Leo has no idea what to do about this. He and Mikey don't get sick very often, but when they do it's better to be sick in their enclosure so the scientists don't complain as much. But there's no enclosure here, and no scientists, just the big open space and crowds and crowds of people. He doesn't know what to do, or how to fix this, or what even caused this in the first place-

Mikey solves the immediate problem by turning his head and throwing up on the floor. There's various exclamations of disgust from the people around them, and they move away; at least it gives Leo and Mikey some space.

"Okay," says Leo, shifting to get out of the splash zone and rubbing at Mikey's shell. He knows how to comfort Mikey, even if his mind is still whirring over how to fix it. "That's alright, buddy. Get it out, okay?" Whatever it is.

"L-leo," Mikey whines, grabbing for him with one hand. "It h-hurts..."

"I know. I know, I'm sorry, I don't... the scientists aren't here to give you medicine, but..." But what? What is he going to do? Mikey's counting on him, but... "What happened? Did you eat something?"

"Mmm... some kind of dri-" Mikey cuts himself off with another heave, and Leo holds him through it. A drink? Someone gave him a drink that made him sick!?

Leo holds Mikey through the next wave of sickness, rubbing his shell and trying to school his thoughts into a plan of action. Normally at this point the scientists would examine Mikey for what caused the illness and then administer aid, but Leo doesn't know how to do that alone. Why didn't he pay more attention? Why hadn't he learned what to do?

"Leo!" he hears a familiar voice call. He looks up, wild-eyed and panicked, into the face of a very frazzled looking April.

"Oh, Mikey," she says when she draws level with them, reaching out to rub his arm. Leo feels a wave of bitterness when Mikey leans into it. "Poor thing... What happened?"

"He... he says he drank something, I don't know." Leo hates how little information he has. "I... I lost him in the crowd," he explains, leaving out how Mikey had run away from him.

"Drank something!?" April chews on her lip, then nods. "Okay, don't worry. I'm gonna handle this." She looks back at Leo. "I saw a med station before - I'll take him there. They've gotta have some anti-emetics."

Leo hadn't known about any of that, but April comes up with the answer so quickly. The inadequacy he feels is sharp.

"I can take him there," he says, even though he doesn't even know where he's going.

"No, I'll take him," April asserts, like she knows. "You guys all split off and now Raph's alone and he's getting agitated; I need you to go over there. Having one of you close will calm him down."

Leo feels a rush of panic, and he grips Mikey's arm. "You're taking him from me?"

"No, Leo, I am not," she says, firm. "I am not taking him from you. I'm taking him to the med station."

"Without me!"

"Because I need you to help Raph." She reaches her free hand for Leo, but he dodges. "I know you're scared right now," she says, and Leo scoffs, "but I can take care of Mikey, and you can take care of Raph. I need you to trust me."

Leo doesn't want to do this. Everything in him is screaming to not let Mikey out of his sight, not even for a second, not when he's sick, vulnerable, scared-

"Leo," comes a soft voice, and his eyes trail down to Mikey's face. Mikey is now fully leaning into April - Leo doesn't know when Mikey moved away. Leo doesn't know when he let go. "It's okay."

Leo doesn't want to do this. But Mikey's made his choice, and Leo doesn't know what to offer. April knows what to do and he doesn't. He's lost.

He looks at the human, and for once he bares his teeth. "If anything happens to him-"

"You'll kill me, I know," she says, and smiles as she does, fond. Like this is some kind of joke, and he suddenly feels a swell of aggression, like he wants to reach out and smack that smile right off her face-

It dies immediately, a rush of cold water down Leo's spine. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. He doesn't! Not even April, definitely not now. He just... He's...

I know you're scared right now.

April wraps her arm around Mikey's shoulders and says something to him that's too quiet for Leo to hear. Then she looks back.

"Raph's over there," she says, nodding. Leo can see him, standing up tall and sniffing the air; he's making distressed noises, looking around with his eyes that don't seem to see. Those around him are giving him concerned, wary looks, giving him a wide berth.

Leo takes a step in Raph's direction, then looks back at April, who gives him a relieved smile.

"Thank you, Leo," she says. "And if you see Donnie, tell him to stay put until I get back."

Then she leads Mikey away.

Leo watches until he can't see them anymore, then he goes to Raph.

-----

They're sitting against a wall now, Raph curled up on the ground and Leo sitting against his side. Raph has calmed down since Leo came to him, but he must be able to pick up on Leo's anxiety, because he doesn't sleep, just sniffs the air and thumps the floor rhythmically with his tail.

Leo doesn't do anything to soothe him, because that would require being soothed himself. And he can't calm down - his heart has been beating at double time since he found Mikey, and he doesn't think it's going to stop until Mikey is back and safe.

He pulls his legs closer to his chest, his foot tapping in time with Raph's thumping. Maybe he should be looking for Donnie, but he can't leave Raph, and he's not sure he wants to see Donnie and tell him what happened yet. About how completely useless he was in keeping their little brother safe. At least Raph doesn't fully understand...

His eyes burn, and he buries his face in his arms. He's not going to cry. He hasn't cried in years and he's not going to cry now.

He's not going to cry, he's not going to cry, he's not-

"Uh, hey."

He jerks his eyes up, glaring at the person who just spoke to him. Another Raph, this one wearing a red mask and wraps and walking and talking like a person. Like most of the Raphs here.

(Why can't his Raph be like those Raphs, he thinks, and then immediately feels even more guilty.)

The Raph raises a tentative hand, giving him a little wave. Leo sniffs, blinks away, the not-tears, and narrows his eyes.

"What do you want?"

"Woof, okay," says Raph, rubbing the back of his neck. "Probably should have expected that... Uh, I just, noticed you sitting here, and you seemed pretty upset, so-"

"I'm not upset," Leo snaps, and hopes his voice doesn't sound as hoarse to Raph as it does to him.

"Oh. Yeah. Guess you are," he says, and Leo huffs, forcing himself to straighten out so he looks as okay as he says he is. The Raph still isn't leaving. "So, my bros went to get snacks... Mind if I sit here while I wait for them to get back?"

Leo wants to tell him no, but that might give more evidence that he's not, in fact, okay, so instead Leo shrugs. What is it the scientists say?

"It's a free country."

Raph laughs. "Not sure we're even in a country anymore."

Leo shrugs again. He doesn't actually know what a country is, so it doesn't matter to him.

The Raph sits, right across from Leo with only a few feet between them. For a minute or two, it's silent, with only the sound of the other competitors in the arena, and Raph's incessant thumping. Even though Leo is trying to look chill and cool and unbothered, Raph is still picking up on his anxiety, which isn't helping the runaway beat of his heart.

"Sooo, where's the rest of your brothers?" asks Raph, ending the facade. And bringing them right back to the topic driving Leo crazy.

He goes for the easy answer. "No idea where Donnie is."

"Hah. Your Donnie has a tendency to run off, too, huh?"

"He can take care of himself," says Leo dismissively. He hopes that's where Raph drops it.

But of course he doesn't. Raph looks right at him as he asks, like he knows, "And your Mikey?"

Leo stiffens. Behind him, his Raph makes a distressed whining noise. His fear stink is sharp.

"...He got sick," Leo admits, and the words leave an acrid taste in his mouth. "The human took him to the med station."

Raph tilts his head at that, but he sounds sympathetic when he asks, "Is that what you're worried about?"

"I'm not-" Leo starts, too sharp, too worried, and what's the point of denying it now?

He sinks back, pulling his legs against his chest and burying his face away in his knees again, trying to breathe, trying to calm down. He doesn't want to fall apart here, in front of this guy who isn't his big brother, no matter how much he might wish...

There's shuffling, and then the sound of someone settling down closer. Raph makes a warning noise behind him, and the other Raph says, "Whoa, it's okay. I'm just checking on him."

The sound of sniffing, and then betrayal, as his Raph gives one chuff and settles back. Allowing the new Raph into their space.

"Want to talk about it?" he asks, and his voice is soft and easy.

And maybe it's because there's no point in denying, and maybe it's because Leo's heart is still so fast he can't sit still, and maybe it's because he just misses his big brother so much-

It all comes pouring out at once.

"I tried to warn him," Leo snaps, his head jerking up and his hands flying into wild gestures. "I told him, I told him, don't just eat whatever anyone gives you! And he acted like I was being mean, and he told me to leave him alone, and he ran away!"

"So you got in a fight," says Raph sympathetically. "And then he got sick?"

"I... I guess. He says he drank something, and I think that made him sick." Leo lightly scratches at his arms. His anger dies almost instantly when he thinks of how upset and pained Mikey looked, and he all he feels is the crushing guilt again. "It's not his fault. I'm supposed to look after him, and I... I didn't. I let something happen to him." He swallows, sinking in on himself again. "I wasn't there when I should have been."

Raph sighs, hunching in his own lap, and Leo peeks out at him from over his arm. He doesn't know exactly what he's waiting for - judgement, maybe, because that's all he deserves, and he doesn't mind if it comes from this stranger because it's not like anyone else will give it to him.

"You were looking for him, weren't you?" Raph gives him a crooked grin. "I saw you earlier, running around."

Leo nods, because that much is true, but he doesn't know why it matters.

"So you were doing what you could do," says Raph. "You were still looking out for him, even though he was throwing a tantrum."

"He wasn't throwing a tantrum," says Leo, rushing to defend Mikey, even though... he's still annoyed, maybe, a little, in the back of his mind. "He was just... he... it's not easy."

"It's not easy for you, either, is it?"

Leo shakes his head. "Doesn't matter. I'm the older brother, so it's my job to take care of him."

"Hm." Raph looks at him appraisingly. "Believe it or not, Raph knows a little something about the kind of guilt you're feeling."

"...If you say so," says Leo, because he doesn't know how anyone could.

"I do! Because... once, Raph lost his brothers, too. I... wasn't there for them when I should have been."

Leo feels surprise at that. This Raph isn't like his, not lost in the isolation of his own mind, but... he lost his brothers, too. Just like Leo did.

He uncurls, just a little, watching Raph cautiously. "Did they get hurt?"

"...Yeah. They got really hurt." Raph looks mournful, and Leo almost feels bad for asking. But before he can try to change the subject, Raph continues. "I can't help but feel like... I failed them. And like I didn't do enough to help them, when they needed it."

Leo rubs his palms over his arms. "Because you didn't know how?" he guesses.

"Yeah. I didn't."

"So... what do you do?" Leo uncurls the rest of the way, watching Raph closely. If there's some secret to this, he doesn't want to miss it. "When you feel guilty like that."

All Raph does is shrug, though. "Not much to do but to feel it." His lips twitch up, though, trying to look comforting, and despite himself Leo feels a little warm because of it. "But... someone else told me, leave the past to the ancestors, and worry about the future." Raph reaches out, and pats Leo lightly on the shoulder. "You couldn't stop Mikey from getting sick. But what can you do now?"

Leo thinks about that. What can he do now that Mikey is already sick?

"...There's... a silly song I sing when he's sad, or sick, or whatever," Leo suggests. "I didn't know the lyrics so I just made them up. It... always makes him laugh."

Raph grins big at that. "Okay. So you can sing that for him when you get back to him."

"Yeah. I guess I can."

"There you go." Raph gives him one more pat, then pulls his hand back.

"What if it's not enough, though?" Leo asks, because it doesn't feel like it would be.

Raph shakes his head. "If you're anything like my Leo, I know you're going to keep trying. You'll keep being there for Mikey, for all of them, no matter what happens. And that's enough. Even if it doesn't feel like it, it is."

Leo doesn't know how much he believes that, but... he notices his heart has finally calmed down to its normal rate.

Behind him, his Raph's tail has stopped thumping. With one contented chuff, he settles in to nap. Finally calmed down.

"...I hope so," he says, and Raph beams.

"By the way," he says, "when you said "human"... Did you mean April O'Neil?"

Leo can't help the face he makes. "Don't tell me she's a universal constant, too."

"Hah! Were you raised by Draxum, too?"

"...Who's Draxum?"

"Uh, he's... You know what? Forget Raph even asked..."

-----

April comes back half an hour later. Despite Raph saying he was only waiting for his brothers, he stays with Leo until then. They spend most of that time with Raph telling Leo all about Lou Jitsu, and Leo can't help but be a little excited to watch those movies when they get out.

Or, well. If they ever get out.

"Hey Leo, Raph," says April when she returns, "uh... other Raph."

"Hey!" Raph raises a hand. "You must be their April!"

"Yeah, I am! Nice to meet you."

Before they can get off on any small talk, Leo jumps to his feet, looking worriedly at April. "How's Mikey?" he asks, to get the conversation back on track.

"Oh, he's fine! We got him some medicine and now he just has to sleep it off."

Leo sighs in relief, settling back against his Raph again, who chuffs and snuffles in response. "Can we see him?"

"Yep. I was just coming to get you." She points her thumb back the way she came. "I'll take you and Raph, and then I'll try to figure out where Donnie wandered off to."

The other Raph gets to his feet. "If I see your Donnie, I can send him your way. What's he look like?"

"Uh, no fancy metal shell like the other softshell Donnies, no goggles, no mask," says April. "Acts like a feral gremlin."

"...Well, the lack of gear helps narrow it down," says Raph. "Raph'll tell him to find you if he sees him."

"Thanks, we appreciate it," says April, before turning her attention back to Leo. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah." Leo hurries to follow her, then hesitates and looks back. The other Raph is still standing there, watching them go, and he feels like he should at least say...

"Uh, thanks. And... good luck?"

"Oh, yeah." Raph grins. "Good luck to you guys, too!"

Leo gives him one last wave, then turns to follow April, his Raph on their heels.

"Soooo..." April smiles at him. "Looks like you made a friend, huh?"

Immediately, Leo feels his cheeks heat, and he turns away from her, arms crossed tight around his middle. "He was just bothering me, that's all."

"Uh huh," she says, like she doesn't believe him at all. She gives him a companionable nudge with her elbow that he hisses at, but all she does is laugh.

"Come on, grumpy shell. It's this way."

[mintkookiess]

Miles Morales headcannons #5

Dates with 1610!Miles and 42!Miles

So i made this at 3 am, brain half asleep, half dead, so this hasn’t and won’t be proofread 😔🤚🏻 but I still hope you enjoy EHE

1610!Miles

Now during the first dates, he’ll want to be cautious once he had actually mustered the guts to ask you out

So he’ll be sticking with the classics like asking you out to dinner, watch a movie, etc.

But as time goes by after yall started to date

He’s bound to spice it up because he already knows about your faves a lot and just wants to make you the happiest in the world

Midnight dates

I can see him just visiting your room after he’s done with Spiderman duties and asks you out on a spontaneous date because he’s missed you

“Hey there sunflower, wanna go grab some food and head up to the—“ “Miles you don’t even have to ask.”

So he brings you to like some rooftop by swinging the two of you while you held on to the paperbags of some food you guys bought

And the two of you just chill, while he sketches the scenic view (but most likely has you in it)

Dates with his art

What I mean by this is that there can be dates where he asks you to come by his place and tells you to sit down

Don’t ask just do it

Spends a good hour drawing you on his sketchbook

He does show you after!

In reference to the sunflower nickname, whenever he draws you he always puts a single sunflower on your hair 🩵 boy’s a sucker for symbolism

During these tho he likes to take pics of you on his phone without you knowing

Example is the one time he asks you to sit by his window sill and tells you to look out the window, he sneaks about a thousand pictures of you in that angle

Boy makes it his wallpaper

On both his phone and laptop

He tries to hide it cause you might think he’s a creep

You wouldn’t tho

Bonus headcannon: I see Miles having a dog, and the both of you treat it as your child. Sometimes you’d take turns with bringing your furry child home, and it has become one of Miles’ excuses to see you

42!Miles

Now this one is a lot more confident, why? Because I see this guy observing you before he asks you out

Would do heavy research so he doesn’t fuck up

Like asking your friends abt what you like or simply watching you from a distance

So from the get go, his dates are already inclined to your preferences

Like cafes that have the same vibe as you?

Movie dates to movies that you love (he doesn’t care if he hates it, how can he hate something that you like??)

Midnight dates

I see this Miles being more of a sentimental or chill type of guy

Nothing too extravagant but definitely enough to make you swoon

His midnight dates would consist of him going by your place with a bunch of food, ready to spoil you with it alongside cuddles and kisses

Like the both of you cuddled up in your bed and his arm wrapped around your shoulder while he kisses the side of your head

He also likes to whisper sweet nothings to you

“I love you so much mi querida,” “Your hair is so soft today,” “You smell really good” “Making me this addicted to you, unbelievable.” “Why do you always look good even in the dark, hmm?”

He stays there with you in his arms until Uncle Aaron is bugging him for the nth time for missions as Prowler

Dates with his art

I am deadass sure that the only person he ever shows his sketchbook to is Uncle Aaron

But now there’s you

It takes him a while to tell you about it

I’m talking months

Like

“Did you know, I draw.” “What?” “Like drawing with the whole sketch, paint, stuff—“ “How come you never told me?!” “Just shut up and take it.”

He shoves his sketchbook to your chest and looks away so you wouldn’t see him blushing

And you see the bajillion drawings of you that he made, and he managed to make you look so pretty that it may have increased your self esteem a bit bc was this how he actually saw you? like damn

So once he showed you it was like some weight being lifted off from his shoulder

His “date with his art” would now consist of the both of you going to some place that inspires him

He makes you pose, this boy would instruct you on how to do that; the posing, where your hands should be, your facial expression, etc

He’s gonna make you his little model

Bonus headcannon: would have a cat in contrast with 1610!Miles. A black cat specifically. He would name it after some name that would be so close to yours, and he’s overly clingy to it (not as much as he is with you tho) the cat also loves you of course (but seemingly antisocial to everyone else) (its very 42!Miles behavior)

Tag: @ii01vp

For those who wish to be on taglist feel free to msg

More of my Miles content here babes!

[thescarletnargacuga]

What about a fanfic where both Caine and Pomni are jealous at the exact same time? Idk of who or what but it is an idea 🤣

A/N: oooooohoohoohoo! I like it!

GREEN IS NOT OUR COLOR

A Showtime oneshot!

WARNING: jealousy, hurt/comfort

~~~

"He did WHAT!?" Pomni screeched at Ragatha as they walked the circus grounds. Ragatha cringed at how loud Pomni was, eyeing the nosey sun watching them overhead.

"Pomni, please, it's probably not that big of a deal-" Ragatha held her hand out in front of her, hoping to calm Pomni down.

"It IS a big deal!! Caine has only ever taken ME on solo adventures! WHY would he take GANGLE!? And NOT TELL ME!?!?" Pomni breathed hard through her teeth. Her eyes scrambled into squiggles.

"It's probably just-....uh, they could just be-"

"HE'S GOING BEHIND MY BACK IS WHAT HE'S DOING!! THAT TRAITOR!"

"Woah, woah, let's not jump to any conclusions. Jax says a lot of things, and sure, Caine's impulsive, but I don't think he'd ever intentionally hurt you."

"He NEVER intentionally hurts us, but HERE WE ARE!" Pomni threw her hands up and gestured to the digital world around them.

"We don't know if that's even his fault-"

"WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE, RAGATHA!? HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS!! HE'S MADE HIMSELF OUT TO BE GOD MORE THAN ONCE!! Well, let me tell you, he may think he's god, but he's just a no-good, two timing piece of-"

"POMNI! Stop! Are you listening to yourself? Let's take a few deep breaths." Ragatha breathed slow and deep, motioning for Pomni to do the same.

Pomni did so begrudgingly. She was still seething with rage, her fists clenched to her side. Tears burned in her eyes. As angry as she was, her heart was genuinely hurt. She really thought solo adventures were their thing. Him going on one with someone else without talking to her about it first felt like such a betrayal.

Ragatha could see the pain in her best friend's face. "Hey, it'll be okay."

"What if it's not..?" Pomni choked, on the verge of sobbing.

Ragatha didn't know how to answer. She just opened her arms as an invite for a hug. Pomni decided she needed it and leaned face first into Ragatha.

~

*Earlier that day*

There they were again. Pomni and Ragatha. It was like every time he turned his back, Pomni had to give all her attention to Ragatha. Why? Why her specifically? Pomni didn't spend anywhere near as much time with the other members of the circus. What was so special about Ragatha?

Caine tapped his fingers against her crossed arms. He floated with his knees close to his chest out of view of the others. There was something going on in his circus that he didn't know about and it was making his code feel prickly under his tux.

"They're up to something...I just know it." He has no proof. Even when he had Bubble follow them, all they ever did was talk...and laugh and smile and hug. He felt even pricklier. Pomni was getting affection from someone other than him! What if there was more? What if...

His teeth narrowed over his eyes as he made a snap decision. Today's private adventure would be with someone else. He could have fun without her too!

He teleported to Gangle's room. She was in the middle of drawing and threw her pencil when he startled her. "Hello, Gangle! Lovely day for adventure, isn't it!"

"uuuuh, what-?" Gangle covered her half finished drawing.

"That's right! Today's your lucky day! I have a very special adventure planned just for you!"

"Huh?? Why- how? Just me?" Gangle could not wrap her head around what was happening.

"Yep! Just you! But don't worry! I'll tag along with you to make sure things go smoothly, so you won't be alone! Doesn't that sound fun!" He was selling it as hard as he could but he had to admit to himself, this felt wrong. His still seething jealousy swallowed the guilt.

"I...I guess." She wasn't sure what else to say. She didn't really feel like she had a choice in the matter.

"Excellent! Let's go!" He grabbed her ribbon hand and snapped. A portal appeared to an unknown world. Just before they went through, the room door opened.

"Hey, ribbons, have you seen my-" Jax looked from Gangle to Caine, to them holding hands, to the portal.

"I wouldn't remember this if I were you." Caine said before zipping through the portal, dragging Gangle with him.

The portal vanished and Jax was left stunned in the doorway. What had he just witnessed? A grin slowly crept across his face. "So things aren't all right in paradise after all. How interesting." He shut the door.

~

Pomni insisted on being alone. She was at the carnival games section and throwing balls at bottle towers, pretending they were Caine's face. A ball smashed a tower dead center, scattering the bottles. She took a deep breath as the bottles reassembled themselves. The tears in her eyes were still threatening to escape, no matter how hard she fought them. "Stupid... I'm so stupid..."

A familiar snap made her blood run cold. She didn't have to look to know who was there. She picked up another ball, spun around and threw it as hard as she could.

"There you are-" CRACK! The fast ball knocked Caine straight in the teeth, sending him tumbling backwards through the air. The ball bounced away to places unknown as he righted himself. "Nice shot!" He rubbed his sore tooth. "You've got quite the throwing arm, my dear."

"Don't you my dear me!" Pomni snapped. "How could you!! I finally come to trust you and this is how you repay me!?" Angry tears streamed down her cheeks. "You back stabber!!" Her voice cracked with anger.

Caine's code felt like ice. She knew. All the jealousy, the malice he felt in his intent, boiled over. "You're the one that's been going behind MY back! Ragatha this! Ragatha that! It's always RAGATHA! She's the one you go to! She's the special person in your life! When I thought that was reserved for ME!" He threw his cane and it clattered to the ground.

Pomni got even angrier. "I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS OUTSIDE YOU, CAINE! What you did was a complete BETRAYAL!" She shouted.

"What you two are is more than friends! I'm not that clueless! And what I did today wasn't special! It was a half baked adventure that Gangle barely participated in! It was VERY boring! There's nothing between us! UNLIKE YOU AND RAGATHA!!" Caine exploded. All of his pent up emotions burst forth like a dam broke.

Pomni hiccupped as she tried to control her breathing. "We're just friends. Humans can be affectionate with just friends!" She said through clenched teeth. "But the adventures..." She spoke slower as her tears overwhelmed her. "Those were special...when it was just us...when I had you..."

Caine deflated. The anger and jealousy left him feeling hollow. Guilt and regret filled the void. He had always meant their private adventures to be special. "...what have I done?" He said quietly to himself. "Pomni, I-" He didn't know how to fix this. "I really thought....and I felt-"

"You thought I was cheating on you." Pomni said for him. "That's what we call it." She wiped her face and sniffled. "Caine, why didn't you just talk to me? Instead you- you-..."

"I am that clueless." Caine whispered as he slowly sank until his knees touched the ground.

Pomni gasped. "Caine?"

He hung his head low, arms slack to his sides. "I'm a fool."

Pomni wiped her face again and looked away. "Yeah, you are, but...so am I. I should have seen something like this coming. You literally don't know better. I should have talked to you more about how humans act with people close to them. Aside from you, Ragatha is the one I'm closest to. I trust her. So she has privileges that others don't. Privileges, that up until now, I had really only been showing you... That's my fault."

Caine didn't look up. He wanted to throw himself into the void and never return. "It doesn't excuse my actions. I took something that was special to both of us and...and violated it. It's unforgivable."

"It hurt. A lot. But it's not unforgivable, given the circumstances. We have a strange relationship, Caine. No one can argue that. There are bound to be problems, but If we're willing to communicate... We can work through them."

Caine looked up, his eyes moist. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

They both went silent looking at each other. What now? How do they move on from this?

"WILL YOU TWO IDIOTS JUST KISS AND MAKE UP ALREADY!? YOUR SOB STORIES ARE MAKING ME SICK!" The condescendingly cheerful tone of the sun boomed from above.

Pomni and Caine looked up and then back to each other. Caine floated off the ground and summoned his cane. "Why don't we talk somewhere more private? ...if you'll have me?" He held out his hand to her.

Pomni didn't take her eyes off his as she gave him her hand. "I'll always have you, if you'll have me."

Caine smiled. "There is no one else I could ever want the way I want you." He snapped and a portal appeared. He gently pulled her through.

[yumeka-sxf]

My thoughts on Spy x Family: EYES ONLY Guidebook (English ver) - part 2

Continuing from my previous post about the English version of the SxF manga guidebook "EYES ONLY," today I'll be going over Endo's interviews, as well as showing my favorite "fun" page spreads!

Endo's interviews with his editor Lin and other manga-ka

First off, let's address the elephant in the room: as some of you may have heard, a horrendous clickbait article was released a while back citing an interview from this book (when it was only in Japanese). The article claims that Endo states in the interview that he doesn't like Anya or any of the other SxF characters. Thankfully u/fuyukochii on Reddit had provided an unofficial translation of the interview, so most fans were able to see that this article was bogus. And now we have the official translation as further proof...

Lin, Kato, and Amu are teasing Endo about the fact that he tends to not draw handsome men ("ikemen") in his series. So when he finally did with Loid's design, they joking applaud this big sacrifice he made, to which Endo replies (again, jokingly) that this compromise to his preferred style is why he has no emotional attachment to his characters. Again, all the "laugh" and "clap" interjections in this exchange make it clear that they're all joking around. The article took this statement of his completely out of context and twisted the "no attachment" wording to mean total dislike. It's unfortunate, but false information gets published like this all the time, and often for more dire issues than a manga fanbook. But it seems like a lot of fans didn't fall for the clickbait, which is good. And now everyone who reads the book officially in English can see that there's no way someone like Endo who has such dedication to his craft could downright dislike it.

Moving on, I totally agree with Nishimori, Kato, and Amu's praise for Endo's work in the below exchanges…

The trait SxF has that they convey here is "balance:" balance between making its world believable, with enough serious conflict so that we care about what's at stake, but at the same time, stretching the veil of realism a bit to have comedic moments. There's also great balance to the characters in that none of them are totally good or totally bad, but because we know what's going on in their world and why they do the things they do (like what Nishimori mentioned about the scene with Loid), we can still sympathize with them.

Going along with that thought, Endo's responses on the below page further illustrates his balance between "dark" and "comedic."

I like how he says that he's not interested in grotesque violence as much as dark themes of the psychological kind…the dark side of humanity more than visual depictions of violence. We can see this in how he portrays the serious moments in SxF where, instead of showing actual horrific scenes of war, the focus is instead on the psychological impacts that war has had on the characters. Likewise, he mentions how perhaps "the comedic nature of their (the characters') daily lives is rooted in the severity of their reality." It's said that within comedy there's often some form of tragedy, and I think SxF is a good example of this as so much of the comedy has its roots in the darker aspects of life, like the fact that the characters have to lie about their true identities. But at the same time, Endo mentions that he doesn't want to shy away from the sad reality of war, which was a big driver for why he made the cruise arc. And again, his intention was not to show any kind of "good vs evil" thing, but simply what motivates people to do extreme things in times of war. His quote about how he never intended to show the Forgers as a completely righteous family is something I knew about before and I think is very poignant. It harkens back to what I discussed before about balance and the fact that his characters aren't shown as completely good or completely bad.

On a related note, in the below comment, Endo acknowledges that Loid and Yor have "darker sides."

It's cool that he likes drawing those expressions. It seems like he makes a conscious decision to show their "darkness" at the right times.

It's also very interesting that so many elements of SxF were decided last minute, as mentioned on the below page.

I can't believe Anya being telepathic was decided on so late! Considering it's such a big player in the series' humor, that's very surprising. But Endo does admit on this same page that he hadn't planned out the story at all. Since he had only done short/one-shot series up to that point, I'm sure he wasn't expecting SxF to continue on that long. But once it became so popular, he had to keep fleshing out the story and characters, probably beyond what he originally thought. But considering how little he had come up with for the series initially, he's done a fantastic job keeping up its quality and continuity. It really was some crazy mix of timing, talent, and perhaps a bit of luck, that turned a series with no long-term planning and so many last minute decisions into such a hit.

Other parts of the interview highlight just how dedicated Endo is to his research and how he agonizes over the fact that he may have been inconsistent with something.

I also have to say that as I read through all of Endo's interviews and comments in this book, I admire how down-to-earth he is. Like, rather than sugarcoat things, he just says it like it is, for example, he said he doesn't reveal new character names that often because it's a hassle to come up with them (pg179), how he didn't give any thought to Anya's pink hair besides it being "cute" (pg181), how it's a lot of work to draw characters in a variety of clothes (pg178), and how the main emotion he feels with SxF getting an anime series is "tired" (pg174). But there's often a "laugh" interjection in many of these interview answers, so we know his comments aren't to be taken that seriously!

And here's his message to readers at the end of the interview. Definitely not the words of a man who dislikes his story and characters.

My favorite "fun" pages of the book

Since the Endo interviews were pretty heavy, I'll finish up this post with the lighter topic of highlighting my favorite funny page spreads in the book!

First off is a spread featuring all of Yor's cooking!

The sarcasm for these meal descriptions is hilarious, lol. And what was that dessert Yor made at the end of the cooking lesson chapter? Guess we'll never know.

The next spread from Anya's POV about her made-up spy group "P2" is absolutely adorable.

I love how they included all her mispronunciations of words. Also her calling Fiona "Agent Mean Lady," lmao!

And lastly, Yuri's collection of Yor photos (made with Anya's help!)

This is all just 4th-wall breaking fun as obviously no one was taking photos at these moments in canon, so Endo could just roll with the joke. Anya's inclusion in this whole gag is too good, from Yuri calling her an "unnamed collaborator" to her "Paparotsies, eat your heart out!" And I absolutely love her comment at the end about how she can't show Yuri some of Yor's less attractive expressions, lol. Pure SxF comedy gold.

I'll have one more post of EYES ONLY content coming soon, so stay tuned!

Continue to Part 3 ->

<- Return to Part 1

[calliesmemes]

A SANCTUARY FOR EVERY SENTIMENT

ASSORTED QUOTES PULLED FROM TUMBLR POSTS, PINTEREST POSTS, AND SONGS.

CHANGE gendered words and in-universe phrases as needed.

SPECIFY muse for multimuses.

“   Fill your mind with knowledge — it is the only kind of power that no one can take away from you. ”

“   I was born knowing you. ”

“   Even if you know what’s coming, you’re never prepared for how it feels. ”

“   Where have I seen you before? ”

“   You are half my soul. ”

“   I thought we hated each other. ”

“   All my life, I have been restless. ”

“   There's a darkness inside your mind. ”

“   I am going to be good this time. ”

“   I forced myself to know you. ”

“   The question you should be asking is not why I push you away, but why you stay. ”

“   To me, you’re sunshine in human form. ”

“   Some wounds never vanish. ”

“   I refuse to let the past find me here. ”

“   The grief is still heavy within me. ”

“   It's like you're so afraid of feeling that you're already dead. ”

“   I want to learn how to be soft again. ”

“   Pride isn’t sinful; it is confidence in yourself. ”

“   I don’t think that there is any truth. There are only points of view. ”

“   Everyone is a monster to someone. ”

“   Some days, I feel everything at once. Other days, I feel nothing at all. ”

“   Without violence, how do I understand my life as meaningful? ”

“   A friend today could be an enemy tomorrow. ”

“   It's always the wrong bits of the past that people want back. ”

“   I must kill memory once and for all. ”

“   A man with nothing left to lose is a very dangerous man. ”

“   I burn for what’s no longer mine. ”

“   Anyone who takes the time to be kind is beautiful. ”

“   It’s better to have a guarded heart than a bleeding one. ”

“   Everyone should love and be loved. ”

“   You’re the reason I know why storms are named after people. ”

“   What have we done to each other? ”

“   Perhaps you were like a candle: created to light up the darkness for an unfairly short amount of time. ”

“   I don’t know what’s wrong with me. ”

“   You were my home. I had no home but you. ”

“   How could you recognize me after all these years? ”

“   I’m always soft for you, that’s the problem. ”

“   Does my sweetness lie so deep within me you need to cut me to find it? ”

“   I want to trust my own joy like that. ”

“   When I bled, I thought I deserved it. ”

“   Do I have to forgive in order to love? ”

“   I will try to disappoint you better than anyone else ever has. ”

“   I’m hell-bent on loving you. ”

“   There are ways of dying that don’t end in funerals. ”

“   I have been fighting since I was very small. ”

“   Love doesn’t conquer everything. Whoever thinks it does is a fool. ”

“   We all have one foot in a fairytale, and the other in an abyss. ”

“   There’s nowhere to run. ”

“   Darkness, once gazed upon, can never be lost. ”

“   I like figuring you out. You are so human and puzzling. ”

“   If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ”

“   Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness. ”

“   I have longed for people before, I have loved people before. Not like this. It was not this. ”

“   The difference between failure and love is where you draw the incision. ”

“   You never think that the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. You think that you will have forever, but you don’t. ”

“   We tend to talk too much because it’s rare that we are listened to. ”

“   I promise that I shall never give up. ”

“   They may not have loved you, but they did change you. They taught you. They grew you. ”

“   I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. ”

“   You didn't deserve what they did to you, how they treated you. It wasn't a lesson. It wasn't meant to happen, and it was never your fault. ”

“   I have always loved everything about you. Even what I don’t understand. ”

“   What’s done is done, but in the future, do better. ”

“   It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them that you’re hurt. ”

“   You don’t have that fire in your eyes anymore and you know it. ”

“   If you are so committed to being perfectly lawful that you cannot see the value of breaking a law to defend yourself or others, you're not good, you're obedient. ”

“   I have survived everything, but I fear that I cannot survive myself. ”

“   No one warns you about the amount of mourning in growth. ”

“   I was looked at, but I wasn’t seen. ”

“   Who's the real you? The person who did something awful, or the one who was horrified by the awful thing that you did? ”

“   I never would have expected you to become my deepest scar yet. ”

“   I fight. I resist. It doesn't even matter what I resist; there is simply something in me that tends to resist things as they are. ”

“   You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy. ”

“   I want to be with you. It is as simple, and as complicated, as that. ”

“   Why must you push away those who care for you? ”

“   You were treated horribly. You came out on the other end. You were always you. ”

“   I know what it’s like to love what ruins you. ”

“   In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on. ”

“   I am the centre of an atrocity. ”

“   You’re my family, and I love you. But you’re terrible. You’re all terrible. ”

“   Desire can be partner to violence. ”

“   It’s been a long time since I’ve been me. ”

“   There is so much love in friendship. People forget that. ”

“   Nothing you become will disappoint me. I have no desire to foresee you, only to discover you. ”

“   What is more unfair than having to choose between being a monster or being a hero? ”

“   Stop being so afraid of everything. ”

“   We must be our own before we can be another’s. ”

“   I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am. ”

“   If you’ve been hated, you’ve also been loved. ”

“   Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. ”

“   Study me as much as you like; you will never know me. ”

“   See how our wants horrify us. ”

“   I feel so lonely, like childhood again. ”

“   Never in my entire childhood did I feel like a child. I felt like a person all along — the same person that I am today. ”

“   You see loving you as such a mortifying ordeal, you feel you owe to anyone who could find the will inside themselves to do it to reciprocate. ”

“   I wish they would only take me as I am. ”

“   We’ll pretend any ending is gentle. ”

“   If I am a sunflower, would you be my sun? ”

“   Being must be felt. It can’t be thought. ”

“   I’m not much, but I’m all I have. ”

“   I think that hell is something you carry around with you, not somewhere you go. ”

“   I want to be wanted more than anything else in the world. ”

“   Don't look away. Look straight at everything. Look it all in the eye, good and bad. ”

“   There must be a point where you’re allowed to be defined by something other than what he did to you. ”

“   There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. ”

“   I would rather break the world than lose you. ”

“   What goes too long unchanged destroys itself. ”

“   We are so accustomed to disguising ourselves to others that, in the end, we become disguised to ourselves. ”

“   Beauty is terror. Whatever they call beauty, we quiver before it. ”

“   Is one part of you allowed to forgive the other? ”

“   No one could ever replace you. You were there at the start; I’ll be there at the end. ”

“   It's a most distressing affliction to have a sentimental heart and a skeptical mind. ”

“   "You're so calm and quiet. But there are things inside you. I see them sometimes, hiding in your eyes. ”

“   Is it foolish to speak of little joys that occur in the middle of tragedy? ”

“   I imagine that one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, that they will be forced to deal with pain. ”

“   Take life as it comes. Take what you can while you still have the desire to take. ”

“   If the moon smiled, she would resemble you. You leave the same impression of something beautiful, but annihilating. ”

“   We’ve been through so much together. I’ve seen you grow into someone you thought you’d never be. I’ve seen you endure challenges most will never see. ”

“   You don't tell a story only to yourself. There's always someone else. Even when there is no one. ”

“   I know that my life is meaningful because I love my friends, and I care about them, and I think I make them happy. ”

“   There is so much stubborn hope in the human heart. ”

“   To live is to suffer; to survive is to find meaning in the suffering. ”

“   It isn’t your life that’s a prison; it’s yourself. ”

“   You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously. ”

“   You knew what you were doing and you knew that it would hurt me, but somehow, that didn’t stop you. ”

“   They would’ve kept lying if you didn’t find out. ”

“   You broke my heart in every way that a heart could be broken. ”

“   Just because I let you go doesn’t mean that I wanted to. ”

“   There is no intensity of love or feeling that does not involve the risk of crippling hurt. It is a duty to take this risk, to love and feel without defense or reserve. ”

“   I’m enjoying my hatred so much more than I ever enjoyed love. ”

“   Become the voice you’ve always needed to hear. ”

[choicesficwriterscreations]

January Creator of the Month: Jerzwriter

Each month, CFWC highlights one of our talented fanfic writers or artists, and this month’s creator of the month is CFWC's own @jerzwriter.  The writer is selected at random. More info can be found on the navigation page.

Quick Links:

Tumblr Blog Complete Masterlist

How do you want to be known on Tumblr? 

Elsa

More below...

1- When did you start playing Choices? What was the first book you played? 

It was sometime in 2017, and the first book I ever played was The Royal Romance, Book 1.

2- When and why did you join Choices fandom?

I joined a couple Facebook groups in 2019. I just wanted to discuss stories with others who were interested, as no one in my real life reads Choices. I didn't even know I was entering a fandom. lol I started reading fanfic on Tumblr the following year, but I found Tumblr intimidating, so I was mostly a silent reader. I didn’t start writing and contributing until May 2021, mostly because Open Heart was ending and I was in denial. 🙂

3- How did you pick your blog name? 

It’s pretty boring, actually. I’m from NJ, and I write. I wanted it to be JerZwriter, so people would know it is Jer-ZEE-Writer, but that wasn’t doable, so it’s Jerzwriter, and most think it is Jerz-Writer. Oh, well!  

4- Pull up the first and last posts in your archive, and tell us about them!  

My first post was the first chapter of my Ethan x Casey x Tobias love triangle, Delaying the Inevitable (OH).  It was my very first fanfic and I really didn't think I'd write anything beyond that.  I was so green back then, not only to fanfic but to the fandom as well. I’m really glad that I was naive because I don’t think I would have had the courage to post it if I had, but I’m glad that I did. 

My last post was Falling for You, a little drabble I wrote for Tobias x Casey (OH), and it featured a commission by the talented artist @weetlebeetle. It was a light, fun piece that took place early in Tobias and Casey's relationship, and it shows Tobias at his absolute simpiest. Lol 

5- Do you write fanfiction, create fan art, or are you one of those really gifted people who do both? 

Oh, how I wish I could draw, but I can't.  So, I’m strictly a writer. I may try giving drawing a go again, but I don't expect much to come of it. lol

6- How long have you been creating for Choices and for any other fandoms?

Choices was the first fandom I ever wrote for, and I started in May of 2021.  So, just over two and a half years. I have written a little bit for some other fandoms since that time, but I primarily write for Choices.

7- What is your favorite Choices book, and what is your favorite Choices book to create for?

Tough question.  I write for Open Heart, Crimes of Passion, and Wake the Dead, and they are three of my favorite stories. I also loved Desire & Decorum, but I never wrote for it.  Though, I’m planning a re-read, and you never know. 🙂

8- Share your first Choices fanfic or fan art that you posted with us. Do you still like it, or would you change it if you were creating it today?

It was the first chapter of Delaying the Inevitable. I was so green when I started that series that I’m sure there are things I would change, but I’m still very proud of it.  That series will always have a special place in my heart.  I’d like to revisit it one day to “clean it up”, it could use some condensing. But I would never change the storyline.

9- What is your favorite piece of fiction or art that you created? 

This is such an unfair question. lol The Delaying the Inevitable Series definitely comes to mind, but I’m also very proud of my Eli Sipes prequel stories, A Mother’s Journal, Coming Up Blank, and The End of the World. But Tobias and Casey are my favorite pairing, and I simply love the world I created for them. And while my headcanon for them is my favorite, I cannot pick just one fic for them, and I'm not going to! lol But, I've also written a bunch of AUs for them, and Friends* is one of my favorites.

10- Do you have a fic/art that you didn’t expect to be well received, but it was? What about one you expected to do well but found it could use a little more love?

Yes, to both! The fandom is much smaller today, but back when we were more active, I learned you couldn't predict how a fic would be received.  There are too many to name, but I will say whenever my smut does well (and quite a few of them have), I’m always astounded. lol 

11-  If you could write only angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why? 

This is such a difficult question because I believe the best stories incorporate a little of each, and, as a writer, exploring all three helps spur creativity. Also, my absolute favorite is angst with a happy ending, so there is definitely some fluff in there (and I'm never mad at a little smut being thrown in!) But if I were forced to choose, it would probably be angst.  I think that's where I am strongest, and I just love raw emotion. I think that’s where character development really occurs. I have not written as much angst recently, and I miss it.  Perhaps I need a change in 2024. 

12 - Do you ever recognize yourself in any of your MCs or in your writing?

There are definitely parts of me in my MCs and OCs, but I do my best to prevent them from becoming self-inserts.  I'm not as cool as any of them, that's for sure! lol That said, I do find inspiration for my fics in real life, so there is bound to be a little crossover. When using real-life inspiration, I try to change details so that the fiction is not a carbon copy of the real-life event. Normally, by the time I'm done, they're hardly recognizable.

13 - What element of writing/art do you struggle with most? Where do you feel you are strongest?

I struggle most with setting a scene. Dialogue is my strong suit, and that just flows for me. It flows so much that sometimes I forget to describe what's going on around the conversation. I think this is particularly easy to do in fanfiction because so much of the "world" has already been provided for us, so I recognize this more when I'm writing original works.

The other thing I struggle with? Brevity. I know I can go on, and on, and on. lol I've gotten much better at this, but there is still room for improvement.

14 - Do you have any neglected work you really want to finish?

(Elsa leaves the room, quietly crawls under her desk, and hides…) YES!!! Far, far too many, and no matter how much I share those posts that say, "You don't have to finish! If you're not feeling it, move on!" I don't believe it! lol I really want to make wrapping them up a priority in 2024.  But I also know writing - particularly good writing - cannot be forced.  So, it's a goal, but I'll only do it if I feel it’s right. 

15 - If someone you know in real life (who isn’t involved in fandoms) asked to see your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you show them first? 

It would depend on who asked.  I’m not ashamed of writing fanfic at all, but if I believed the person would be judgemental, I wouldn't be willing to share.  A few of my friends have read select pieces of my fanfic, and I’ve always received positive feedback from them. I wouldn’t be opposed to sharing more.  What I'd share would depend greatly on the person asking.

16 - Are there any writers (published authors and/or fanfic writers) who influenced your writing or art? Are there any artists that influence you?

There are many published writers that I admire, but I don’t think they've influenced my writing here. Within the fandom, there are many writers who have inspired me in different ways. There is no way I can ever name them all. But I'd like to give a shout-out to some.

@jamespotterthefirst and @bex-la-get were among the first writers I read when I joined Tumblr. I found their passion for both canon and the worlds they created inspiring, especially as Open Heart was nearing its end and all of us addicts needed our fill. Reading their works helped keep the story alive for me and so many others, and it inspired me to try my hand at it as well. To my shock, they were both so encouraging and supportive of me when I arrived, and I'm forever grateful. Back then, I thought they were rockstars - and they are! But now, they're also friends. I wasn't familiar with @alwaysmychoices from the start, but when I came across their work, I was just blown away.  Weekend with Dr. Ramsey will live rent-free in my head forever, and that headcanon about Charlie calling Ethan the night before she marries someone else. (I faint.) Ohhh, the delicious angst! The way she made me feel what Charlie felt was just mind-boggling, and it encouraged me to really dig into my character's emotions and bring them to life in a more meaningful way.

Early on, I read @utterlyinevitable, and the thing that impressed me the most was how Dom was willing to "write stories that “went "go there.”  They tackled issues that others wouldn't touch.  In their world, everything wasn’t perfect, including the characters themselves. I admired that vision and, frankly, bravery, and it definitely encouraged me to write what I wanted to and not what I felt was expected of me.

More recently, @mydemonsdrivealimo inspired me to explore parts of my MCs that I have not delved into in the past.  In particular, Casey's bisexuality. It can be challenging to represent a bisexual character when they are in a straight-presenting relationship, and you risk alienating readers no matter what you do (looking at all readers here.) So it becomes easier to be lazy and ignore it. But that's a disservice to the character as much as it's a disservice to people living similar situations in real life... like I have many times. Through MJ's writing and our conversations, they've helped me become more aware and do a better job in this regard, and I'm not even sure if they know this - it may totally be news to them lol - but I'm eternally grateful. Now, I feel my girl Casey is free, and OMG, how I love our characters playing together in HC now!

Then there are @lilyoffandoms and @storyofmychoices, who bring joy to all that they touch. Who knew when Lily created a little drabble putting our characters in a new world together, it would end up being one of the brightest fandom spots of 2023? Who knew that so much more would stem from that one work? Seriously, it's been one of the highlights of my fandom experience this year, and it's helped me to find inspiration at times when I felt like it was lost. Thank you both - I am so lucky to have you both here!

There are so many more I could mention, but I'd still forget people and feel horrible, so I want to take the chance to thank every writer in the fandom for sharing their gifts with us. Each of you is an inspiration in your own way; each of you can give someone an idea, and you have no idea where that spark will lead. So, never stop sharing!

17-  Which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series? 

Delaying the Inevitable, Friends*, All in the Past, and the WIP What’s Forever For. I also think some of my Ethan x Tobias works would have made for a good sitcom, and how I wish my Tobias x Casey friendship with Bryce x Jensen would be an epic sitcom. The world needs it! lol   (Jensen belongs to @mydemonsdrivealimo.)

19- Do you write original fiction or create non-fandom art? 

I do. Mostly shorter stories that will never see the light of day, but also some more substantive works... which will also never see the light of day! lol I wrote a novel-length political thriller some time ago. It would need a ton of work to bring it up to 2024, as the political landscape has changed so much. I also have two original WIPs I've been writing. One is an angsty story about a friendship that's loosely based on a childhood friend I lost to cancer a few years ago.  The other is a polyamorous romance about two best friends who fall for the same person. It's really a beautiful, emotional story. If I like the end result, maybe I'll let it see the light of day... maybe. lol

20-  What other hobbies do you have?

I enjoy theater, and I'm lucky enough to live in the best part of the world to partake in that.  I go to a lot of Broadway, Off-Broadway, and local theater productions. I also love going to concerts - they’re like group therapy! Trust me, I got more out of seeing Noah Kahan and Hozier in 2023 than I did from the entirety of sessions with my therapist - and I loved my therapist. lol

Prior to 2020, I did a fair amount of traveling, and I hope to start doing a little more this year.  But I have to admit, since the lockdown, I’ve become more of a homebody, and I like it, so we’ll see how that goes! 

I used to be very involved with activism and advocacy for women’s, lgbtq+, and mental health issues. I still am, but in a different capacity than I was in the past. These issues require people fighting for them, and doing so has always been a huge part of who I am, but it can be draining, and burnout is real. I really reached the end of my rope. So, nowadays, I work as a volunteer for a couple local organizations that really mean a lot to me. I'm not involved in grassroots efforts or taking trips to talk to legislators as often, but I'm helping people on a smaller scale, and that still goes a long, long way.

22: BONUS - tell us anything you’d like (if you want to).

As most of you know, I’m one of the mods here at CFWC, so it was a little weird when my the wheel landed on my name.  But, honestly, it’s happened before, and I've just spun again, even though I am eligible. But this time around, I decided to do it. This fandom really means a lot to me, and I wanted to share a little more about myself and my crazy pixelated people.

I'm truly grateful to everyone in the fandom who does their part to make this a place that many, like me, still see as a place they want to be. We're smaller, it's imperfect, it has plenty of problems, but I am choosing to focus on the good... because there is much more of that than there is bad. So, thank you to each of you... and I hope we all have a wonderful 2024! xo

PS... My header... I know Tobias wasn't technically an LI... which was truly criminal. So, that's what fandom is for, fixing what canon effed up. lol My favorite canon LI is Trystan Thorne (COP). I tried adding their picture to the header alongside Tobias, but it looked terrible, so here I am. :)

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I can't wait to highlight more of you in 2024! :)

[lisa972kdlz]

(The French version is below)

I just realized something.

About Dreamtale. Why we're so touched by this AU, and by the twins.

I just understood why Nightmare is so popular, why he touches us, why he touches ME, even though he's NOT my favorite character compared to Dream, Ace or Error.

Because we identify with his problems?

Yes.

Because we sympathize with his backstory?

Certainly.

Because we love drama and tentacles?

... Meh, for sure.

Because Dreamtale brings an extremely interesting symbolic theme about feelings?

Indeed.

Because fandom has developed the story of the two siblings in all its forms, and we've been taken on board without really realizing it by the fan creations - comics, drawings, fan fiction - that we discover as we go along?

Absolutly.

But that doesn't explain the intensity of this emotional involvement. Why did Nightmare inspire me so much, and still do today? Because very often MAIS CHIOTTE DE SES MORTS QU'IL ME SAOULE BORDEL DE SCROGNEUGNEU?! (Untranslatable in English, sorry QwQ)

And then I realised.

"The two siblings"...

Doesn't this story remind you of another?

I don't know why, but I get the impression that NOBODY makes this obvious parallel. At least I've never seen any comparative fanart or people talking about it.

The majority of Dreamtale fans are first and foremost Undertale fans, who went through the Gameplay, Let's play's, etc. before discovering the AU's. The majority have played or watched the game and discovered the Lore. Listened to the OSTs. Enjoyed the characters.

The majority witnessed the magnificent end of the Pacifist Timeline and the ensuing burst of tears.

And who, for God's sake, has never been touched by Asriel's fate? This child who died far too soon, who never meant any harm to anyone, who died because of a bad decision, then was resurrected as a sadistic, soulless being incapable of love?

Don't you think Night looks a lot like him? And that Dream is a cross between Frisk and Chara?

Not in personality, nor necessarily in the story, but in the way they touche the audience through their shared destiny.

Two siblings who love each other dearly are brutally separated by a quarrel in which one loses his life, transformed into a powerful, emotionless demon. The other sleeps for years before waking up, lost and confused... Then they embark on an adventure with a guide, discover the world that has evolved without them, grow up, meet new people, help, save.

And this co-dependent relationship. The demon is still a child at heart. He wants to play with his sibling, even to the point of committing atrocious acts to make them stay with him, even if it means taking their soul and killing them a million times over. But nostalgia takes hold of him again. Deep in his overpowering heart, he feels all the souls of the world bound together, he feels determination of monsters and humans, the love they have for each other. It's all too much for him. He succumbs to his feelings and bursts into tears. He apologizes. The two siblings reconcile.

It's the kind of story we'd all like to give Dream and Nightmare, isn't it?

We want to save Night.

But like Asriel, it's impossible. We all know by now that Corrupted Nightmare isn't Night, don't we? It's a revelation that hits us when we search a bit on the creator's Tumblr after reading the Prologue. The story leaves us no choice: he died five hundred years ago, and that remains unchanging. There is no hope.

He has to go. Become corrupt again. He has to die again. Because that's how it must be.

Yeah yeah, we love Sans in Undertale, he's pretty cool and the Multiverse revolves around him. But as soon as we play the game, it's Asriel we're crying for. For good reason, Dreamtale, the story that most closely resembles his tragedy, is one of the most popular universes. Is that chance? Or have we all unconsciously drawn the parallel?

Now, when I listen Hopes and Dreams, Save the World, His Theme, one part of me thinks of Asriel and Chara, the other part thinks of Dream and Nightmare.

It was to save Asriel that fans started developing parallel universes. And it's to save Night that we're repeating the process.

It would have been a lot cooler to put Dream and Nightmare in Chara and Asriel's bodies, I think.

And the HELL you imagine CORRUPTED NIGHTMARE WITH THE APPEARANCE OF FULL-POWERED ASRIEL ????

Damn, I would have fan-girled instead of foe-girl on him I guess 🤔

Or for those who love big, ugly monsters, in PHOTOSHOP FLOWEY mode!

Delightfully nightmarish, I approve 👌✨!

____________________________________

Je viens de comprendre un truc.

À propos de Dreamtale. Pourquoi on est autant touché par cet AU, et par les jumeaux.

Je viens de comprendre pourquoi Nightmare est aussi populaire, pourquoi il nous touche, pourquoi il ME touche alors que POURTANT, ce n'est pas mon personnage préféré comparé à Dream, Ace ou Error.

Parce qu'on s'identifie à ses problèmes ?

Oui.

Parce qu'on compatie à sa backstory ?

Certainement.

Parce qu'on aime le drama et les tentacules ?

...Meh, à coup sûr.

Parce que Dreamtale apporte une thématique symbolique extrêmement intéressante à propos des sentiments ?

Tout à fait.

Parce que le Fandom a développé l'histoire des deux frères sous toutes les formes et que nous avons été embarqués sans trop s'en rendre compte par les créations des fans, comics, dessins, fanfictions, que nous découvrons au fur et à mesure ?

Absolument.

Mais voilà, tout ça a le bénéfice de me convaincre, mais ça n'explique toujours pas l'intensité de cette implication émotionnelle. Pourquoi Nightmare m'a autant inspirée et m'inspire encore aujourd'hui ? Alors que très souvent MAIS CHIOTTE DE SES MORTS QU'IL ME SÂOULE BORDEL DE SCROGNEUHGNEUH ?!

Et c'est là que j'ai réalisé.

"Les deux frères"...

Cette histoire ne vous en rappelle-t-elle pas une autre ?

Je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais j'ai l'impression que PERSONNE ne fait ce parallèle pourtant évident. En tout cas je n'ai jamais vu de fanart comparatif ou de gens en parler.

La majorité des fans de Dreamtale est avant tout des fans d'Undertale, qui sont passés par le jeu travers le Gameplay, le Let's play, etc. avant de découvrir les AU's. La majorité a joué ou regardé le jeu et découvert le Lore. Écouté les OST. Apprécié les personnages.

La majorité a été témoin de la magnifique fin de la Timeline Pacifiste et de l'éclat de larmes qui en découle.

Et qui, bon sang mais qui, n'a jamais été touché par le destin d'Asriel ? Cet enfant mort bien trop tôt qui n'a jamais voulu de mal à personne, mort à cause d'une mauvaise décision, puis ressuscité en un être sadique et sans âme, incapable d'aimer ?

Vous ne trouvez pas que Night lui ressemble énormément ? Et que Dream serait le mélange de Frisk et de Chara ?

Pas dans la personnalité, ni dans l'histoire forcément, mais dans la manière dont il touche le public par leur destin commun.

Deux frères qui s'aiment énormément sont brutalement séparés par une dispute où l'un perd la vie, transformé en un démon surpuissant et dénué de sentiments. L'autre dort des années durant avant de se réveiller, perdu, confus... Puis il se lance à l'aventure en compagnie d'un guide, découvre le monde qui a évolué sans lui, grandit rencontre de nouvelles personnes, aide, sauve.

Et cette relation co-dépendante. Le démon est encore un enfant au fond de lui. Il veut jouer avec son frère, au point de commettre des actes atroces pour rester avec lui, même s'il doit s'emparer de son âme et le tuer un million de fois. Mais la nostalgie s'empare à nouveau de lui. Il sent au fond de son cœur trop puissant les âmes liées entres elles, il sent leur détermination, l'amour qu'ils ont les uns pour les autres. C'est beaucoup trop pour lui. Il succombe à ses sentiments et éclate en larmes. Il s'excuse. Les deux frères se réconcilient.

Belle histoire qu'on a tous envie de donner à Dream et Nightmare, pas vrai ?

On a envie de sauver Night.

Mais comme Asriel, c'est impossible. Nous savons tous à présent que Nightmare Corrompu n'est pas Night, n'est-ce pas ? C'est une révélation qui nous percute quand on cherche un peu sur le Tumblr de la créatrice après avoir lu le Prologue. L'histoire ne nous laisse aucun choix, il est mort il y a cinq-cents ans et cela reste immuable. Il n'y a aucun espoir.

Il doit s'en aller. Redevenir corrompu. Il doit mourir à nouveau. Parce que c'est comme ça que ça doit se passer.

Oui, on aime Sans dans Undertale, il est vachement cool et le Multivers tourne autour de lui. Mais dès qu'on joue au jeu, c'est pour Asriel qu'on pleure. Pour cause, Dreamtale, l'histoire qui ressemble le plus à sa tragédie, est l'un des univers des plus populaires. Un hasard ? Ou bien avons-nous tous fait inconsciemment le parallèle ?

Maintenant, quand j'écoute Hopes and Dreams, Save the World, His Theme, une part de moi pense à Asriel et Chara, l'autre part pense à Dream et Nightmare.

C'est pour sauver Asriel que les fans ont commencé à développer des univers parallèles. Et c'est pour sauver Night qu'on réitère le processus.

Ça aurait été vachement plus cool de mettre Dream et Nightmare dans des corps de Chara et Asriel je pense.

Et bordel vous imaginez NIGHTMARE CORROMPU AVEC LA FORME D'ASRIEL FULL-POWER ????

Ah bah j'aurais peut-être fan-girlé au lieu de foe-girler pour le coup 🤔

Ou pour ceux qui aiment les gros monstres pas beaux, en mode PHOTOSHOP FLOWEY !

Délicieusement cauchemardesque, j'approuve 👌✨!

[ramblingzombpossum]

I keep going back to something from therapy today. During morning check in we have to write how we're feeling, it's literally "What is your mood today?" and today, I just didn't know. I was flipping from one mood to another so fast that I couldn't wrap my mind around one emotion or mood.

When I wrote "I don't know" I expected a bit of push back, someone to tell me that's not acceptable, there is no way I can't know. We all know how we feel right?

Well, instead the therapist smiled and said "That's ok." They know I have schizophrenia, and apparently I've lived with it all my life. When I apologized she insisted I didn't have a reason to, it's ok to not know how you feel.

One of the points my one on one therapist is hammering home, is when I say "I don't know" people are going to be confused. People who aren't schizophrenic DO NOT understand. I grew up with it, I've learned to adapt and hide it.

Hallucinations are weird? Ok, I'm not going to talk about it, or I may draw attention I don't want. Hearing things isn't normal? Alright, we chalk that up to 'keep to yourself and hide.' Oh, the random moments of "Lol I could just die" or "Man I could sleep and never wake up" aren't necessarily normal? Cool, that will not be spoken about. (That last one is common in a lot of things, but it's thoughts I can remember having as young as sixish.)

But the phrase "I don't know" has always been demonized to me.

"Why did you do that?" "I don't know" "NO you absolultely know why, so why did you do that?!" It was a rather common reaction, from everyone. For years, because in most people's minds, they know.

Before I got medicated, I didn't realize how bad it was, how I would sit there, and just not know what I was doing. I'd have moments of full unawareness, and I still do at times. I dissociate, something I never knew what it meant until I was forced to acknowledge it. I go off into my own world and completely disconnect from life, going on basically auto pilot.

Sometimes I'll do something, and I will have a reason, but after doing it, I have no idea WHY. My brain doesn't work right, it never has, and I learned the easiest way to avoid it, was withdrawing. I could just not talk, I could just live in my mind and be fine. As an adult this doesn't work, it makes life harder, it makes everything harder. I literally sit at home sometimes and just lose time. I've become obsessed with time checking, to make sure I wasn't off in my mind for hours.

Even now I have an aversion to "I don't know" even if it's the truth. I find myself scrambling for a believable lie because "I don't know" is unacceptable, it is very much a sin. No one has a brain so broken that they don't know.

But I do, I don't know why I do a lot of things. I don't know why I say things sometimes, or why my brain jumps to something completely out of left field.

Someone asked me to describe my thought process on something, and it went a little like... A needs to happen for B to happen, but if C occurs then A will be ruined, and B can't happen, so obviously I need to do Y, D, F, G, and L before anything else to make sure that A can happen.

None of it makes sense, none of it comes together, but my brain is so loud and jumbled, even with anti-psychotics I have auditory and visual hallucinations. Not as bad as it once was, but it happens. I can hear voices as if someone is standing over my shoulder, telling me just to stop. Give up. Let my body crumble, and cease existence. No one will ever care, no one will miss me.

I know this isn't true, I fight against it daily.

Sometimes I turn around in my house while I'm alone and think someone is standing in the kitchen. Nothing solid, a shadowing form in the vague shape of a person that catches me off guard, but I've learned not to show my fear. How can I react to things when others don't see them? That's weird, and society says we should never be weird. How does one explain when they want to just hunker down, grasp their head and scream to drown out the voices? How does one explain what it's like to be plagued with things, delusions of being immortal, delusions of everyone hating you. The idea that in this life you'd be more of a contribution as a memory than a living being. The paranoia of what everyone wants. The paranoia of not knowing what is and isn't actually happening. The Paranoia that you're going to say the wrong thing, and wind up hospitalized because 'you're not normal.'

There is nothing fun about this, there is nothing easy. I've been fighting a silent battle for who knows how long, and a lot of people say I'm strong for being open. I'm not being strong, I'm being weak, because I'm tired. I'm so very tired, and I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to lay down, I want to have a day where I'm not constantly shifting through my thoughts, where I'm not trying to decide if the person next to me is talking to me, or if its one of the voices trying to tear me down. I don't want to be convinced that everyone is out to get me, that everyone will leave, everyone is just using me in some way.

I'm just tired, I'm tired and I don't know what I feel. I keep going because I want Bean to know it's ok. I want her to never worry about asking for help. I want her to realize, sometimes we all have battles we don't share, and that's ok, but it's also ok to ask for help.

In the end, I'm tired, confused, and I will never be able to answer everything, unless I'm allowed to be honest and say "I don't know."

[holylulusworld]

Fighting Temptations (1) - First meeting

Summary: He’s the infamous Sherlock Holmes. No one can compare to him. Right?

Pairing: Sherlock Holmes x Fem!Reader

Characters: Inspector Lestrade, Lady Marigold (ofc), Enola Holmes (no dialogue with her yet)

Warnings: language, misogynism, arguments, Sherlock being an ass, sassy reader

A/N: This will be a mini-series of short drabbles

Fighting temptations masterlist

He waltzes toward the mansion, almost as if he owns the world. He did it again. Sherlock Holmes, the unsung hero of another unsolvable case.

"Inspector Lestrade," Sherlock says as he almost bumps into the inspector. “What are you doing here? Did Lady Marigold call for you too?”

Inspector Lestrade eagerly shakes Sherlock’s hand. He admires the eloquent and smart detective and hopes to be as good as Sherlock at solving cases one day.  

“It is always a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Holmes. What brought you here today?”

Sherlock is irritated by the Inspector's question. He came here to announce he had solved the case.

“I’m here to solve the case. I found the thief—” Sherlock gasps as the Inspector points at two of his officers guiding a man out of the house. A man Sherlock already knows. The thief he indentified.

“Mr. Holmes, I’m sorry to tell you but Lady Y/N Y/L/N already solved the case a few hours ago,” Lestrade clears his throat. “I mean she solved it three days ago, but Superintendent Grail didn’t want to listen to her. Lady Marigold intervened. She’s a very powerful woman.”

“Who is she? I never heard of a female detective in London,” Sherlock huffs. “Well, maybe my sister. But she’s still learning.”

“Mr. Holmes, do you want me to introduce you to Lady Y/N Y/L/N? She’s very kind. It’s a pleasure to talk to her,” Lestrade swoons.

“Why would I want to talk to her? She stole my case! Lady Marigold asked me to solve the case. How dare that woman steal it!” Sherlock raises his voice. 

Bystanders and police officers watch the famous detective lose his composure in public. Never before did someone steal his case.

He’s furious. No. It’s more than that. Whoever this mysterious woman is, she stole his case, and Sherlock can’t stand it.

Especially as he had difficulties solving the case.

“Ah, there she is,” Lestrade points at you. “Let me introduce you to her, Mr. Holmes. You will see, she’s very friendly too.”

Sherlock huffs, but doesn't want to draw more attention to himself today. He clicks his tongue and glares at the bystanders watching him. “Fine. Please introduce me to the lady…”

The detective follows Lestrade. He strides toward you, masking his anger. 

“Lady Y/N Y/L/N,” Lestrade smiles widely as you turn your attention toward him. “May I introduce you to Mr. Sherlock Holmes?”

“A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Holmes,” you politely say, holding out your hand. “Your sister told me so much about you.”

“My sister?” Sherlock grits his teeth. He ignores your offered hand as you point at Enola standing next to Lady Marigold. “What do you have to do with my sister?”

“I’m her mentor. Enola asked me to introduce her to the world of investigations,” you smile sweetly. “I thought you were aware of our arrangement. Enola told me you don’t want her to follow your example. She's stubborn, smart, and strong-headed. All a woman needs to become an infamous detective.”

“You’re not allowed to spend more time with my sister.”

“What? Why?” You put your hands on your hips and glare at Sherlock. Up close, he’s so much taller than in all the pictures you saw of him, but you won’t show you’re a little intriguided by his appearance.. “Sir, explain yourself.”

“You shouldn’t encourage her. My sister should become a lady and learn some manners. My mother ruined any chance Enola had of getting a husband.”

As you purse your lips, you reply, "Lord Tewksbury would disagree. Your sister is a fine young woman. Her mother raised Enola right. There is nothing wrong with her. Unlike her misogynist brother, she has perfect manners.”

“You should get a hold of yourself, Lady,” Sherlock grunts. “I won’t let you near my sister.”

“You only want me to stay away from your sister because I solved your case within two days,” you snap at Sherlock. If life taught you one thing, it’s to never back down in front of men. “Your ego can’t take it.”

Sherlock huffs as you take Lestrade’s offered arm. You glare at Sherlock as you pass him by. 

“I hope to see you for tea and biscuits at my mansion, Mr. Holmes. Enola would like to discuss a few things before moving into my house. Tomorrow. 2 pm. Don’t be late.”

“Move…what?” Sherlock stammers as he watches you walk toward a horse carriage. Enola follows you toward the carriage, ignoring her fuming brother as Sherlock calls her name.

“Mr. Holmes, I suggest you tame your temper,” Lady Marigold tuts. “Lady Y/N Y/L/N is under my protection.” She coos. “Believe me, you don’t want her or me to become your enemy…”

>> Part 2

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[serickswrites]

Can we maybe get an imprisoned villain whumpee being maltreated by a prison warden whumper (physically and mentally abused, isolated, inhumane restraints, etc) with the whumper driving home the point that no one will ever find out, and if they did, they would not care anyway—they more than ‘deserve it‘ for all their crimes? But eventually the hero finds out what’s going on and rescues the villain, becoming their caretaker?

Hello Anon! I can definitely do this! Please enjoy!

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Warnings: captivity, restraints, torture, rescue

Villain hung their head low. They didn't have the strength to lift their head, nor did they want to see what Warden was going to do to them. They could barely remember life before being down in the dungeon. Ever since Superhero had captured them, their life had been nothing but pain.

"Look at me," Warden growled as their fingers tightened on the bat in their hands. "I said look at me."

"Why?" Villain whispered. Nothing mattered anymore. They shifted in the standing cuffs, painfully aware that the spikes had once again begun to dig into their wrists. Villain only hoped Warden's torture session today wouldn't cause them to rip open the soft scabs that had formed from the previous day's session.

"Because you should look at me. I'm trying to help you, Villain."

"No, you're not." Against their will, tears began to fill Villain's eyes. "You're just as bad as I am."

"No. No, I'm not." Warden swung out with the bat, connecting with Villain's midsection harshly. "I am not evil. I have not committed any crimes."

"Y-Y-You h-h-have," Villain wheezed as they struggled to draw breath.

Warden was suddenly in their face, fisting their hair and lifting their head. "Listen well now, Villain. I may be hurting you. But you are getting exactly what you deserve. And no one will ever know. They'll just know that Superhero defeated you and you never returned. No one knows and no one cares. You are the villain, remember."

With a growl, Villain headbutted Warden. Warden jumped back with a shout. "I'M GOING TO END YOU!" They roared as they pounced on Villain.

Villain didn't remember much after that, their world had gone from hazy to dark. When they came to, someone was tapping their cheek softly, gently. And they were saying Villain's name over and over.

"H-H-Hero?" Villain finally managed to croak as they tried to open their eyes.

"Oh thank goodness. I was worried I was too late. I am so sorry. I had no idea."

"R-R-Runnnn, s-s-s-save y'rs'lffff," Villain squinted up at Hero.

"I'm safe. You're safe. And I'm getting you out of here."

Before Villain could reply, Hero took off running, careful not to jostle Villain in their arms. The movement made Villain dizzy and they squeezed their eyes shut against the waves of nausea. Maybe Hero was taking them to safety. Or to somewhere else to torture them. But Villain realized they didn't care because for the first time in weeks, someone had touched them out of kindness and not out of a desire to cause pain. And for that, Villain was grateful.