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cjsinkythoughts · 4 years ago

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In Need of a Breath

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Word Count: 4007

Warnings: !FATWS SPOILERS!, Cursing, Zemo, Feelings, Another PTSD Flashback

A/N: So…Part 4 is going to have a couple parts to it. Maybe even three. I didn’t even make it half way through the episode on this one, mainly because I really wanted to fit in the Reader’s backstory and I wanted her and Sam to have a heart-to-heart again. I’m suuuuper tired, so I probably won’t be posting the next part for another few hours (it’s 5 am right now and I haven’t slept), BUT it’s my day off work and I won’t be doing anything I planned because my grandmother had a stroke a couple days ago so plans have changed and I’m staying in to help her, meaning I’ll mostly be writing all day.

This Part is kind of a mix between off-screen and shot-by-shots, but it’s mostly off screen/what’s going on inside Reader’s head.

I’m really excited about future parts and the characters that are being introduced! I will say that after these parts, I will be doing one shots of previous MCU movies with the Reader, due to the information that is being given about the Reader now. You kind of see more of how she was affected/how she affected the previous MCU movies and what she was doing during that time.

Like always, this hasn’t been beta’d, again it’s SUPER early in the morning, and I’m really tired, so please excuse any mistakes! I hope you guys enjoy this part! Stay tuned for more to come later today!

FATWS MASTERLIST

cjsinkythoughts MASTERLIST

!SPOILERS UNDER CUT!

“You know…I’m really starting to regret saying yes to this.” You huffed out, craning your neck and squinting your eyes against the sun as you stare at the facility in front of you, hating the skin-crawling feeling of being back.

“Would you relax? Whenever you’re nervous, I get nervous, and I don’t wanna be nervous about this.” Sam shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

“Do either of you have a better plan?” Bucky grumbled, crossing his arms.

Gnawing on your lips, you finally take the lead and breathe out, “alright. Let’s go then.” You could feel the hesitance from your - what were they? Partners? Coworkers? Teammates? - the fellas before they started after you.

There was a sick twist in your gut as you entered the building, going through the lobby and security.

You had been there.

You had been there when Zemo impersonated Bucky. You had been there when Zemo unleashed the Winter Soldier at the Joint Counter Terrorist Centre Building in Berlin. You had been there during the battle at the airport. You had been there when Zemo turned Tony and Steve against each other in Siberia. You had been there when Zemo tore the Avengers from the inside out. Your family. The only family you’d ever known.

But you’d always been good about pushing your personal feelings aside for the sake of the mission. It’s what you’d been born to do. All you ever knew.

“Hey. Doll. You hear me?”

“Hmm. What?” You looked up from the ground to look into those enchanting blue oceans Bucky had for eyes, staring worriedly down at you, eyebrows pinched and forehead creased.

“I’m going in alone.” You frowned, opening your mouth to argue, but he shook his head. “Sam already agreed-”

“I didn’t necessarily agree-”

“You’re an Avenger, sweetheart.” Bucky tilted his head, speaking softly, those eyes of his worried. Worried for you. It made your stomach flip. “And you were there in Siberia, and that almost makes it worse. Especially considering you went after him. Just…just let me do this, okay?”

You cracked your knuckles nervously as you thought. It was a terrible idea. But it was an idea. And it was all they had. “Okay.” You finally relented, shrugging as your hands hit your thighs and slid up to your hips. “But don’t do anything stupid.”

“Steve took all that with him.”

Knowing about their little inside joke, you scoffed. “Sure he did. Go before I change my mind.”

You watched him walk down the hallway, hands fidgeting with excess nerves. “I think you’re the only one he actually seeks approval from.”

“Good thing I’m so lenient then, huh?” You joked, turning to Sam with a strained smile. Your smile slipped at the curious expression on Sam’s face, his eyes darting to each of your features. “What?”

“Are you doing okay?”

You groaned, throwing your head back. You thought you got out of talking about your feelings back in Baltimore. “Oh my God, Sam-”

“I’m serious. You…you just don’t seem like yourself.”

You shook your head, looking down the hall to where Bucky disappeared before turning back to him. It was weird to have a self that people recognized. Your whole life you’d been searching for it and when you finally found it…everything went to shit. “Honestly, Sammy, the only time I’ve ever felt like myself was with the team. Zemo took that away from me and now we’re here, practically begging him for help.”

Sam hummed, leaning against the wall. “Have you thought of taking a break?”

“What?”

“A break.” At your bewildered look, he rolled his eyes. “Cher, this time last year most of us were dead. This time a few months ago you found out about Wanda. This time last week you were out looking for her. Maybe you should just stop and take a breather.”

Shoving your hands in your pocket and looking at the floor, you couldn’t help but snort at his advice. “I haven’t taken a breather since I was eighteen.”

He clicked his tongue. “That’s my point. FBI academy as soon as you graduated. SHIELD recruit by 21, undercover operations leader by 24? Slow down. You’re in your thirties. Next thing you know, you’re gonna be ninety something, lying on your deathbed, wishing you had stopped to smell the roses.”

“If I live to be ninety, shoot me.” He chuckled in amusement. “I’m so fucking serious, Sam. I will not be put in an old folks home to play Bingo and be pushed around in a wheelchair. It ain’t happening.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” There was that infectious smile, which you unconsciously grinned back at. “Y/N…I’m serious. You’ve been in and out of missions since you were a teenager. What’s the shortest undercover operation you’ve done?”

“I dunno.”

He gave you an unimpressed look. “Yeah you do.”

Licking your lips, you turned away and shrugged. “A couple months. Seven weeks and three days, to be precise. September to October in 2012.”

“And the longest?”

“August 2007 to May 2009. Twenty one months.”

Letting out a puff of air through his nose, Sam pushed himself off the wall and caught your chin between his fingers to make you look at him. “That’s nearly two years under cover. And I’m sure you went right back under after-”

“I was sitting at a desk for four months doing paperwork on it.” You defended yourself.

He shook his head, brows knitting together, lips drawn down. “You say that as if four months is enough time.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Sammy. I’m out. I’ve been out since Ultron and Sokovia. I haven’t been under in almost a decade-”

“A decade half the world was dead for half of-”

“I wasn’t!”

“I never said you were.” Sam sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. You were always amazed at his ability to keep his emotions in check. To stay cool under pressure. Sometimes you forgot how experienced he was with dealing with other people’s trauma. It was no wonder why Steve thought he’d be good for Bucky. “Listen. All I’m saying is once this is done…don’t go diving back into searching for Wanda. Don’t go running to the kid every time he calls - and I know you’ve been doing that-”

“It’s just been homework and stuff-”

“Y/N.” You stopped, biting your lip at the stern look he gave you. “Go home. Order take out. Binge watch TV. Go for a jog through the park. Actually meet your neighbors. Go grocery shopping. Just…live. If only for a couple weeks. Don’t worry about anyone else. Don’t pick up the phone, don’t drop everything because someone needs you. You need you.”

“I-I…” You shook your head, looking at him, sincerely apologetic. “I can’t. I wish I could. But I can’t. I’ve never had one normal day in my life. I’ve never had someone to care for, never had someone to care for me. I can’t let people I’ve come to…I can’t let them think I don’t care. I don’t even know where I’d go.”

“Whaddya mean?”

You winced, not thrilled for his reaction to your next statement. “I, uh, I sold my apartment in D.C.”

He gaped at you in complete disbelief. “You got it in December!”

“I know, I know. I liked it. I really did, but…I dunno. Nomadic life has always suited me better. It’s what I grew up with.”

He took a breath, making you cringe again. You don’t think you’ve ever legitimately gotten on his nerves like this before. “Have you ever thought that, instead of going with the flow and jumping place to place, putting down roots might actually help?” He cut you off before you could say anything, holding up a finger to stop you from talking. “I can’t imagine going from foster home to foster home like you did. I can’t imagine not having a home for as long as you can remember. Louisiana’s my home. Always has, always will be. But I understand your life has been anything but stable. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why you need some stability.”

You clenched your jaw, crossing your arms. “The Avengers were my stability. Steve was my stability.”

“Because you loved him.”

“I’m not doing this with you again.” You turned to walk down to the lobby to wait for Bucky there, but Sam caught your arm.

“You were in love with him! It’s okay! You two were super close! No one would blame you! Why won’t you just admit it? I’m trying to understand! Why won’t you-”

You tugged your arm away, finally snapping at him. “Because he could never be mine, Wilson! Is that what you wanna hear?!” Sam took a step back at your exclamation. You closed your eyes, swallowing the lump in your throat and pushing down the tears. “He could preach all he wanted about moving forwards, Sammy, but we all knew he was stuck in the past. He visited the museum every Thursday because her interview showed in his exhibit on Thursdays. He carried around that broken compass because her picture was in it.” You looked back up at him sadly, shrugging. “And I get it; it’s hard to move past your first love. I get it because…that’s what he was to me.”

There was a silence that blanketed the hallway, before he spoke up hesitantly. “What about Bucky?”

“I thought - I thought I was projecting my feelings for Steve onto him because I knew Steve couldn’t ever…”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “You thought? What do you think now?”

You cleared your throat. “I’m still figuring that one out.”

“If you ever need to talk, I’ll be here.”

You chuckled, nodding slightly towards him. “Back atcha. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you not being yourself lately, either.”

“It’s…a tough topic.”

You nodded in understanding. “Just know that I’ll support every decision you make as long as you think it’s the right one. Because I trust you. Steve trusted you. It’s all we can do to try to do what’s right. That’s what makes you a good man, Sammy. He gave you that shield for a reason, and if you think what you did was right…I’ll stand by it.”

The two of you stared at each other for a moment, calming down in each other’s presences and taking comfort knowing you’d be there for each other through thick and thin. “Thank you, cher.”

“Of course, Sammy. Now let’s go see what’s taking the old grump so long.”

He laughed at that, nodding in agreement, taking your offered hand and squeezing it as you made your way down the hall.

****************

“What?”

Bucky eyed you as you spluttered, coughing on the water you were drinking. “Please don’t choke, doll.”

“Break him out of jail?!” You repeated his words and blinked at him, absolutely baffled by his plan. “Oh my God.” You groaned as Bucky and Sam started arguing, moving your flashlight around the room. “Where the hell are we?” There was no response as they kept going back and forth.

“Zemo’s gonna mess with our minds! Especially yours! No offense.”

“Heelllloooo!” You tried again. “Where the hell are we?!”

Bucky turned on the lights, giving Sam a look. “Offense.” Glancing at you he quirked an eyebrow. “Stop worrying your pretty lil’ head, sweetheart. You trust me, dontcha?” Your breath hitched at his words. You quickly recovered, huffing and pouting - although you’d deny ever pouting - and crossing your arms. You stood between the guys like that, eyes darting to whoever was speaking, waiting for them to stop so you could actually think.

“Look. Let me just walk you through a hypothetical. Can I walk you through a hypothetical?”

You and Sam exchanged glances. “What did you do?”

“I…didn’t do…anything.” Bucky shrugged.

“How is it that you, one of the most deadliest assassins basically ever, are one of the worst liars I know.” You tilted your head at him, an eyebrow quirking up in confusion.

“Shush it you. Just, okay. The weakest point in any system isn’t the software, the hardware, it’s the meatware. The human element.”

The more you listened to Bucky’s “hypothetical”, the stronger the gut feeling telling you this was a terrible terrible idea got. You brought your hands up to your head, eyes wide as he spoke.

“I don’t like how casual you’re bein’ about this. This is unnatural.”

You couldn’t help but agree with Sam’s words, your head falling back and your eyes closing. “Sweet Jesus. Listen, God, I know we don’t talk much these days, but please, please don’t let this not be a hypothetical. I’m fucking begging you.”

A noise to your right made your head snap over. “Oh hell to the fucking no!” You shook your head as Zemo himself walked in, wearing a prison guards uniform. “Uh-uh! No way! Bucky, this was not part of the plan!”

“What did you do?!”

“We need him!”

“You’re going back to prison.”

“If I may-”

All three of you faced him, simultaneously shouting, “no!”

You held your face in your hands as your head dropped, shaking back and forth, your eyes squeezing shut, tuning them out for just a minute to think. Bucky had a point. The enemy of my enemy is my friend and all that, and the Avengers were technically disbanded, which was Zemo’s whole objective in the first place, but…God. You were good at compartmentalizing, but not that much. You were willing to put your feelings aside for the mission so Bucky could talk to him. Not for you to work with him. But he had connections, you knew he did, and he had information…

“Doll?” You looked up, Bucky anxiously licking his lips as he met your gaze. “I need you to say something.”

You looked to Sam, who shrugged, gesturing to Zemo. “What do you think?”

What did you think? What did you think?! You thought that it was the worst idea in the history of ideas and you should turn back and find another way! But…you knew this was the fastest, probably most reliable way to get information that you needed.

Dammit, since when were you the deciding factor?

You sucked in a breath, looking over Sam’s shoulder at Zemo, who lifted his hand in greeting. You raised your eyes to the ceiling, pointing your finger accusingly. “This is why we stopped talking.” Gaze dropping to the still waiting fellas, you gnawed on your lip, before hissing out, “ffffine…” Running a hand through your hair, you threw your hands up as you shrugged. “Fine. Okay. Fine.”

“Okay.” Sam nodded, taking charge again.

You couldn’t believe this was happening. Except, that was a lie. You could. You’d seen weirder. You’d experienced the impossible. Lived through the unbelievable. This…this was completely imaginable.

Which is why, with a lot of hesitation and very little confidence in this plan, you followed Zemo through the auto shop you were in until you reached a large room with a ton of different old cars.

Bucky’s hand found yours as Zemo explained what the plan was, rather vaguely, in your opinion, but at least he was explaining. Point for him. Not that it would make up for the level of distrust you held for him, but it was something.

You looked up at him, giving him a puzzling frown. He usually only grabbed your hand in front of other people when he was feeling anxious. Which, yeah, he had a right to be anxious right now, but it wasn’t the right kind. The type of anxiety caused by large crowds and loud noises, ones that startled him and threw him into a defensive mode.

But the look on his face made you squeeze his hand in reassurance. He was pouting, staring at you although he did something wrong - a puppy that tore up a pillow - and all you wanted to do was give him a hug.

“You’re mad at me.” He mumbled as the four of you headed out with Zemo in the lead.

“No I’m not.”

“Yeah you are.

“Bucky, I’m not mad.”

“Listen, if I had a better idea I wouldn’t-”

You brought your linked hands up to your lips, pressing a gentle kiss to his gloved knuckles. “I’m not mad.” You repeated more firmly. “It’s just…a lot for me, right now.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“Nothing’s going on, Buck, I-I just…” You thought about your and Sam’s earlier conversation and suddenly understood what he meant. “I need to breathe for a second.”

His features twisted into ones of uncertainty, eyes squinting as you stepped outside. “Do you…do you wanna leave?”

You shook your head, tugging his arm to stop him and grabbing the sunglasses on his collar, slipping them over his eyes. “No. I just need some time to think. Hopefully the plane ride to wherever the hell we’re going will give me that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, James. I’m sure.”

He lowered the glasses on his nose to scan you over the frames, before nodding and sliding them back up. “Okay. You ready for this, then?”

“No.” You breathed, turning back to where Zemo and Sam were still walking. “Let’s do this.”

*****************

Climbing onto the private jet, you raised an eyebrow at Sam, who shrugged, giving you a bemused expression. A Baron…huh…who knew? You feel like you should’ve, yet there you were.

You sat besides Bucky, across from Zemo, crossing your legs and leaning back while staring at him through narrowed eyes.

His butler seemed nice, which made you even more suspicious. You obviously didn’t know as much about Zemo as you wanted to. It was a habit you picked up after years of undercover work; once the mission was complete, that was that. There was no looking back on it. No sitting on it. It was over and you moved onto the next one. It was a bad habit in cases like this.

The moment you spotted the notebook over Zemo’s book you knew something was going to happen, yet you still flinched when Bucky lunged at him, grabbing his throat. You leaned back in your seat again, steadying your now racing heartbeat. You decided you were too tense, trying to relax your muscles as Bucky sat back down in his seat.

“I’ve seen that book. It was Steve’s when he came out of the ice. I told him about Trouble Man. He wrote it in that book.” Sam seemed so proud of himself that something he recommended was written in Steve’s little book and it made you smile.

You remembered that; Steve and you were supposed to meet up for coffee after his run, but Fury called him in so you rescheduled it for when he got back. He asked you about Marvin Gaye. For your opinion. You told him to check it out and make his own.

You remembered asking him about that little notebook of his, and he just shrugged you off telling you about his list. He would read items off to you, but he never let you read the book yourself. You never found out why, and you supposed you never would now. The thought made an ache behind your ribs that you’d come to familiarize yourself with appear.

You smiled a little more as Zemo and Sam told Bucky how awesome Marvin Gaye was. “C’mon, baby. Back me up.”

Chuckling, you looked at Bucky. “They’re not wrong. But,” you quickly added before Bucky could whine at you, facing Sam again. “Neither is Buck. I mean, c’mon. You can’t find music like the 40’s anymore. Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, Benny Goodman, Fred Astaire. Ol’ Blue Eyes himself.”

“Thank you.” Bucky grinned at Sam, who rolled his eyes.

“Okay, okay. But, I mean, c’mon! Everybody loves Marvin Gaye.”

“I like Marvin Gaye.”

“Steve adored Marvin Gaye.”

Your face fell as Zemo started talking about Steve and icons and Red Skull, your mind once again slipping away from reality.

“Kids love you.” You giggled as you finally made it out of his exhibit. You’d wanted to show it to him since he moved to D.C., and you’d finally got an opportunity after coming back from being undercover for ten weeks. “You’re their hero, you know.”

“Yeah, well, I’m just trying to do what’s right.”

You nudged him, scoffing at his answer. “You’re too humble. You’re a national icon, you know.”

Steve shrugged, looking around the museum at the planes surrounding them. “I never wanted to be.”

“Why not? Everyone loves you.”

“I’m sure not everyone loves me.” He rolled his eyes. “And…I just wanted to help. To fight. Protect my country and the people I cared about. I-I didn’t ask for…all that.” He waved behind his shoulder where his exhibit was getting smaller with each step they took away. “People were dying. Bullies were winning.”

You shook your head, spinning and walking backwards besides him to face him. “Sure, but you did that. And you became someone people could look up to in the process.”

He narrowed his eyes at you before asking, “why do you do what you do?”

“...because I’m good at it?”

“Honey.” He gave you a look. “Answer the question.”

You hummed in thought. “Because I couldn’t stand by, knowing there would be orphaned kids if I didn’t help any way I could.”

“Alright. Why do you do it in the dark?”

“Whaddya mean?”

He shrugged. “Why don’t you come out and take credit for all the lives you’ve saved?”

“Because that’s not why I do it. I don’t want that attention. I just want to know I’ve helped people. I’ve kept them safe.”

He gave you a soft smile. “I just wanted to beat the bully. I never wanted to be a dancing monkey, too.” You looked at him in a new light then, understanding where he was coming from. “Watch out, honey!” He grabbed you and pulled you aside before you could crash into a wall, arms wrapped firmly around your waist. He gave you that charming smile of his. “Wouldn’t want you hurting that pretty lil’ head of yours, now would we?”

“Y/N!”

You snapped back into the conversation, moving your eyes from the window to Bucky, who tilted his head, eyebrows pinched and eyes narrowed. “Sorry. So, Madripoor. That’s a fun place.”

You ignored the side eyed glances Bucky and Sam exchanged, Sam turning to you curiously. “You’ve been?”

“Once. Back in 2010 for a few months”

Zemo raised his eyebrows. “You’re lucky to have gotten out.”

You shrugged nonchalantly. “Lucky, maybe. Skills were a part of it, too, though.”

“Good.” Zemo nodded. “Because we’re going undercover…and if we blow it. We’re dead.”

You breathed out, shaking your memory away and getting your head back into the game. Because like the man you were severely wary of in front of you said, if you blew this, you were dead. And, sure, you didn’t want to live until ninety, but you weren’t even half way there yet. So dammit if you were going to die soon.

“Hey.” You looked over at Bucky’s murmur, his head tilting as he grabbed your hand and pulled you from your seat closer to him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Are you okay? You know you’re going to have to be-”

“I know.” He nodded. You watched his Adam’s Apple bob as he swallowed thickly. “I’ll be fine. Just…tell me right now if you need to step out for this one.”

You gave him a smile that you knew he didn’t buy, just by the slight narrowing of his eye, his lips pressing together. “No. No, I’m good for this. If you think I’m gonna let you two idiots go into Madripoor with him - alone - oil that cyborg brain of yours, because there’s no way.”

He squeezed your hand, eyes still filled with uncertainty. “Are you sure?”

“If there’s even a slight possibility that I can protect you, then yeah. I’m sure, Buckaroo.”

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mesozoic-system · 3 years ago

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Bakugou Katsuki is not as bad as he seems.

Okay, fine. That's a lie. Bakugou is a loud and obnoxious asshole with little to no character development and will snap at anyone who breathes on him the wrong way.

Now that that's out of the way, let's move on to why he's like that.

You all know what PTSD is, yeah? If not, it stands for "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder". It's something that causes panic attacks, unnecessary aggression, trust issues, nightmares, anxiety, depression, and more. People will develop it after a traumatic experience. It takes years of therapy to recover... actually, most people never recover from it.

Fun fact: Katsuki canonically has PTSD. It's confirmed, and you know what? After everything he's been through, it's not much of a surprise. He's been through one tragedy after another and never seems to get a break.

When we first met Bakugou Mitsuki (Katsuki's mother) in chapter #96, we instantly realized how aggressive she was. I mean come on! She talked smack right in front of him and his teachers- in front of All Might who she knew her son was very fond of. Katsuki may be irritable, but to have your own mother backhand you in front of your own role model is a little much.

Later on in chapter #165 during the Provisual License Exams, we get a little more information that only points towards more abuse- and this time it's not so verbal.

Most people paid no real attention nor gave it a second thought in these panels, but remember when Katsuki suggested to use violence against the kids? Of course, you'd look at it and wave it off as "normal Bakugou behavior", but what he says next took me by surprise:

That's right. He was raised that way.

Which means either Mitsuki or Masaru (or both) had struck him in some way multiple times as he was growing up, and I doubt it was Masaru.

"Spoiled" my ass. He might have a strong quirk, but people don't turn into little monsters just by being praised. It'll definely boost his confidence, but not dramatically. This could also explain his aggression toward Midoriya. He realized how helpless he was and had power over someone else for once. But that's just a theory.

Okay, let's fast forward a bit. He's finishing up his third year of Middle School and is preparing for the UA entrance exams. He's pushed away his childhood friend to follow his own dreams and tells him to jump off the roof.

Literally.

And then he walks out the door only to regret it much, much, muuuch later in the series- y'know. The "character development" I was talking about.

Next time we see him though, he gets what he deserves.

One panel he's tramping through an alley with his friends, and the next, he's being swallowed alive by the most perverted-looking slime monster I've ever laid my eyes on.

While Izuku's dreams are being crushed by his own hero, Katsuki is fighting for his life in the middle of town. He's struggling, but all he could do was look back at all the dozens of fearful eyes...

Right there. Right now. Look at him:

He's terrified. He's humiliated and afraid and hurt and despite all of the heroes that were there, none of them had even attempted to save him.

And this is where it really starts. This is where it all begins. Next thing we know, Izuku's running straight for him... The boy Katsuki's bullied almost all of his life is risking his own in order to save him.

You know the story from there; All Might trains Izuku to withhold his power, they get accepted into UA, and then comes the Sports Festival.

Katsuki's already made up his mind: he's gonna win. He's willing to give everything he has to show the country what he's made of, and this may be his only chance to make up for the mishap several months ago. And Monoma, being a professional at making things worse by opening his mouth, rubs salt in the wound.

It was pretty easy to predict Katsuki's reaction: pissed off and more than ready to prove him wrong. He does, but it cost him his "first place" during the Calvary Battle. But that's okay 'cuz it's not over yet!

Welcome to the next and last stage of the festival: The Battle Tournament, where all the kids get to beat the shit out of each other until only one remains.

Turns out, Katsuki does win. It was a foolproof plan: get Todoroki to go all out on him so he can make a final impression before the end of the day. But it was obvious that Shouto was still unsure of himself, so Katsuki did what he did best:

He had to piss him off.

But instead of getting angry and bursting into flames like he had planned, Shouto threw away the battle at the last second, and everything Katsuki had worked for with it.

No shit he's gonna be upset! He worked his ass off to get where he was, and the whole point was to leave himself a footprint! His entire life had been dedicated to that moment, and it faded away right in front of him.

Midnight put him to sleep and he woke up and threw a temper tantrum.

Now this is was UA did wrong:

Why would you do that?! They were all aware of what happened to him only a few months ago, he obviously hasn't properly recovered from it, and they restrain him in front of thousands of people. They cover his mouth and gag him, lock his hands in a tiny metal box and expect him not to go insane. Helloooo?! Wake up! He's just a kid!

Several months go by and now it's time for camp. Katsuki is tired. They all are. It's been a long day of training and training and training, and suddenly villains come out of nowhere, and nobody is prepared. And who shows up? The League of Villains, and they're after certain students...

Tokoyami escapes safely, but Katsuki isn't so lucky.

Just think about that for a second. When we see Shigaraki holding a picture of him, it's the one where UA tied him up. He knows what this child has gone through and he pities him. To be honest, I think the LoV treated him much better than anyone ever has (except maybe Kirishima). They're hesitant, but they treat him with kindness. They didn't just want him for his quirk. They saw what the heroes did to him and wanted to help him get the revenge he deserved.

But when All Might showed up (more like "burst through the wall like the Cool Aid man"), Katsuki is instantly teleported in the strangest way possible... and the most traumatizing.

He chokes out this weird slime-like substance that devours him within seconds. Thankfully it only last that long, but then again, the Sludge Incident, remember?

Yeah, bet that brings back some memories.

But what must have hurt him the most was All Might's downfall and early retirement. He said it himself:

After several chapters, he finally burst. He's been holding all the pain inside of him until it bubbled over and he couldn't take it anymore. So he went to the only person he could- the person he hated and yet trusted the most.

Maybe the Class 1A concert helped him in a way. It seemed like it brought him down and maybe even relaxed him a little. And something incredible happens. Something we haven't seen from him at all until now...

(From here, I'll try to keep it short to avoid as many manga spoilers as I can. That and I'm tired...)

He began to change; started to support Izuku... in his own twisted way, of course. As chapters went by, he started to open up little by little. He admitted what he had done to Izuku in middle school to All Might, which had brought him some peace of mind. It wasn't quite the apology we had hoped for, but I guess it'll do.

And during the war, he made the greatest sacrifice, finally unlocking his quirk's full potential. Despite being unable to move, he used his quirk to throw himself in front of Izuku without thinking, taking a blow to his stomach. To his stomach.

He was impaled.

Holy shit.

Last time someone had been impaled was Nighteye, and he died from his wounds.

But Katsuki somehow managed to survive... And woke up ready to beat Izuku's ass if he didn't wake up.

Anyway, that's all I have to say (so far). However, I'm excited for Season 5 of the anime series! Can't wait to see our new story animated! I mean, I've been watching the episodes as they come out, but still.

-Blightcon

#my hero academia #boku no hero academia #bakugou katsuki #kacchan #midoriya izuku #deku #all might #bakugou mitsuki #bakugou masaru #todoroki shouto #Utsushimi Camie #tokoyami fumikage #the thoughtbox

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onlyhereforangst · 4 years ago

Text

WWR

The Talk™️

lololol just kidding sorry Laura I love you here’s the real thing just in time 😘😘

We start with Ellie being veeeeery sus 👀 checking out Eastern Europe and the various countries, I mean yes there are plenty of nice, beautiful places there but this is a procedural aka obviously that area can only be shady. I also love that Nick came up silently and waited, watched what she was doing very intently, before announcing his presence. Almost like he’s been suspecting something is up with her for a little while now and seized on this perfect opportunity to do a little digging. But at the same time he doesn’t let it go on too long, and he almost gives her an out- he doesn’t accuse her of being shady AF, instead he’s like oh clearly she’s planning a trip because she’s always talked about loving Eastern Europe not the Bahamas like we’d just gotten jealous over a year ago…right, Ellie? A trip? And then her response ooo girl. She starts to get uber defensive and then realizes that oh wait, he handed me an out on a silver platter so yeah let me take it real quick. AND HE DOESN’T CALL HER ON IT. That’s the real good stuff in this scene- he’s a trained federal agent with years of undercover work, he can tell when someone is outright lying *especially* when that someone is Ellie. So he takes her defensive hesitation and than blatant lie and rolls with it. Beeeecause he trusts her. He trusts her to tell him when she’s ready. He saw how hurt she got when he kept bothering her after the kidnapping, and also saw her tell him once she was ready to. So yeah, he gets it now. He may be seriously concerned for her underneath that joking exterior, but he trusts her to tell him when the time is right, and also likely feels she wouldn’t keep anything huge huge from him. *cue getting ready for heartbreak in the finale it’s fine everything is fine*

Of course we move on to the flirty stuff because we avoid serious talk here 🙄 Ellie still sus though don’t get it wrong, shutting that laptop real quick when he rounds the corner taking no further chances. And her crossing her arms while he offends her choice of “vacation” hahaha she’s so obvious, honey you got the hots for him it’s ok. Little middle school flirting like oh yeah you can do better? Prove it jerk. And Niiiiiick 🥵 I wish you could see the screenshot I’m paused on right now after he says it depends on who he’s going with before he asks her who she’s going with because DAMN that look. He can think of one (1) person and one person only who he’d go on a trip with. Her little smirk back before she decides to throw all pretense to the wayside and says fuck it I don’t care that we’re in the bullpen out in the open lemme flirt with you ~*Agent Torres*~ AND HE’S LIKE TWO CAN PLAY AGENT BISHOP PLEASE INVITE ME ON YOUR TRIP THAT I KNOW DOESN’T EXIST BUT I’D LIKE TO KNOW I’D BE INVITED IF IT DID. And please her giddy smile afterwards and then she goes from leaning back in her chair to leaning forward towards him because these two are absolutely drawn to each other bitches and I can’t get enough of them and their little playful smiles and body language. AND NEITHER CAN JIMMY.

Jimmy is the ellick fandom. Because yes, keep going this is ✨just delightful✨ and I never want it to stop unless you’re kissing. Thank you. And pleeeeease them stumbling over their words when they realized they’ve been caught I CANT. They both look *so* uncomfortable and it’s hilarious, and then Ellie can’t help but laugh at Nick’s dumb joke making fun of Jimmy because it’s her man and he’s so *funny*.

Bring us to Jimmy redeeming himself. But also yes this just confirms to me that he told Nick what he needed to hear back when he said zero chemistry. And now Jimmy’s observed silently, see where Nick has come in the last year and everything the two have been through and knows he ready to hear it for real. Well Jimmy was ready a while ago for them to move it along so yeah he’s like where’s my spoon I’m gonna STIR THIS POT. And then it is born, the slogan of the episode, the point of the WWR (please don’t have PTSD Laura), The Talk™️. Nick’s face oooo man, he initially tries to deflect like no we aren’t talking about that cozy scene nuh uh and then it turns into his worst nightmare- being called out by James Palmer of all people with Ellie literally five feet away. (ALSO MCGEE IS LITERALLY A FOOT BEHIND THEM. He 1000% heard this entire conversation if Ellie heard it. Bro better not try to deny a single thing later I’m watching you sir 👀) Nick’s expression is screaming what the fuck shut UP Jimmy this can’t possibly be happening so let me try to joke and deflect again (small smile because it was still a little funny) and then back to what the fuck he’s undeterred shit shit shit oh thank god McGee has started talking yes we have a goddamn huge problem autopsy gremlin won’t take the damn hint.

And woooooow the first time I’ve seen Nick at his desk in a while 👀👀 he said shit people are on to me let me put ✨space✨ in between us for like five seconds while we still shoot each other cute smiles.

Oooooooh now we here for the evisceration. The Here Lies James Palmer moment of the episode. Catch me dYING in the club, not crying. Because holy shit Ellie this was not only brutal and Brian absolutely killed it during this scene with his reactions to Ellie ripping him apart. His “oh…Oh…oooh.” Had me cackling. And Ellie you are the poster child of defensive, pulling out all the stops. Let me deny everything, let me then be a slight hypocrite because people shouldn’t be talking about me (because I’m terrified about considering broaching that topic too) but I can talk about Gibbs and Sloane previously, and then also like sort of admitting to it by asking Jimmy what people think is going on because that’s the question she would *love* to know the answer to but hasn’t gotten yet. All the while cue me laughing hysterically at jimmy, top tier scene right here lets be honest. Because then Kasie comes in and it’s just perfect 🤣🤣🤣 this was his sister, Painful. Couldn’t have said it better myself Kasie 😭💀

Lol at McGee telling Ellie not to tell Nick he was right about it being a coincidence 😂

HOW CLOSE DO WE NEED TO STAND TOGETHER Y’ALL. HOW CLOSE. THERE’S A WHOLE GODDAMN BULLPEN. Remember when I said Nick wanted space for 5 whole seconds, yeah this is why. They’re straight magnets - drawn together indubitably 👀

Quick detour for the continued storyline of sus!Ellie and it makes me even more and more excited for the finaleeeeee. Because honey why do you know it takes 10 pounds of pressure to rip a trachea out and yes we all know it’s Odette and I can’t wait for the aaaaaangst. Also Kasie always coming in clutch with the humor, I live for it. “No you right I got nothing” 🤣🤣

Once again, Nick forgot about his desk, it was short-lived wasn’t it? 😅

Now to another fun scene, and I feel like there’s a little double meaning to when Nick talks to Ellie about Phineas going through a lot this year, “more than most of us, which is saying a lot this year” - obviously covid but also maybe a callback to the kidnapping/jail cell stuff they dealt with?? Maybe?? Anyways, them being so awkward cute together because there’s a slight lull in the case so they revert back to their middle school selves, “so” “so…” I can’t with them omg. And then, and THEN of the two to bring it up, it’s Nick!!!! Yes!!! The GROWTH. This man used to be so emotionally closed off and now he, HE is bringing up The Talk™️ and he almost chickens out, he almost says haha you’re right we don’t have to have The Talk™️ after Ellie has a minor freakout because good god this girl is on *edge*. Her mind has probably been going a mile a minute the second she heard Jimmy call them out at the crime scene because she’s been living in blissful ignorance the past months/year whatever and now everything is smacking her in the face. But Nick, ugh I love the growth. He brushes it off and then has a moment where his face is like, no, no I’m not a wuss and he admits that yes he’s thought about it (the way he pauses when he says “not that it hasn’t been on my mind…us…” and I’m like yeah you two as a couple has been on your mind hasn’t it Nick 👀) and yes I want to have The Talk™️ with you Ellie Bishop. And not only does he admit this he’s also the one that’s like ok yeah cool BUT WHEN. Let’s nail this down please, I need it in my planner asap. And then she gets all giggly again “I don’t know when do *you* think?” Like omg I’m literally in middle school again. They’re so fucking cute and awkward it’s precious. Especially when they have to end their conversation and suddenly act normal when talking to McGee 😅😍 then they go separate ways and the look Ellie shoots Nick ahhhhhhh it’s almost like a let’s table this but also shit we really did half open that can of worms in the middle of a work day. Nick sighs and looks briefly to the sky like shit what did I do in a good way and bad way haha.

Back to Kasie with the ✨iconic✨ lines I love herrrr. Ellie being sus again with being resistant to change. I can’t decide if she’s not only talking about the possibility of dating Nick (once again defensive because Kasie about came for her throat hahahah) but also maybe about whatever is going to go down with Odette 👀👀

HERE WE ARE. THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. Back to being cute little awkward idiots in love that need to have The Talk™️. I mean come on they’re trying so hard to avoid the actual talk and just dancing around it “so” “so” “talk a roo” “talk a reeno” excuse me what the fuck are you saying just SAY IT. And Nick is still ready and rearing to go but also wants to respect Ellie and give her space if needed so he offers to just agree The Talk™️ needs to be had. And of course she counters with “need is a strong word” because damn this girl is spiraling. She’s so terrified of the outcome of this talk she wants to deny it needs to exist but still she can’t help it at the end of the day. And Nick is still like ok BUT WHEN. I WANT TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU AFTER YOU TELL ME YOU LOVE ME. SO LIKE WHEN ELLIE WHEN. And he once again plays off her deflection (a theme of this episode) with yeah yeah they’re super tired not at all wired just thinking about this talk that is at the tip of his tongue. At least Ellie is finally seeing the light and realizes that they should promise to have The Talk™️ but as she sits there staring at the elevator in front of her she’s like oh fuck, it can’t be soon can it. Fuck fuck fuck I can’t hold this in longer, we can’t keep dancing around it. fuck. So when Nick once again tries to press her to nail down a time she’s like well fuck it let’s do this shit now. Then she can’t realized that shit I actually said it, I actually said that. I said we should have The Talk™️ now. And Nick’s genuine surprise mirrors hers because she’s been the one half-denying The Talk™️ all day and now she wants to do this right here right now??? But at the same time he’s got a little smile to his face because he loves the idea of her being on board and finally getting this done. Finally getting to hear how she feels.

So they walk into the elevator with a MUCH better vibe than the last time they walked in all serious at night (looking at you dumb Nick with Elena) but I guess the Elena Elevator Talk walked so the Ellie Elevator Talk could run 👀

And Nick while yes he’s ready for this shit to finally happen he’s still vulnerable, still terrified of opening himself up because he’s seen his dad (recently) and how commitment and relationships run in the family 🙄 plus this is all very new to him outside of Sofia and this is definitely not new to Ellie (Jake, qasim). He needs to hear she’s all-in too, needs to know he hasn’t built something up in his head for something serious when she views it as just a flirtation between friends. So he nervously says ladies first and while Ellie gives him a look of protest and wtf man, I think deep down she knows this is all so difficult for him despite how much he’s pushed it over the course of the day plus SHE is ready to get this out in the open. The moment she decided to stop denying and spiraling she went full force head on let’s talk about us. She hedges for a second and Nick continues to be nervous as she’s clearly building up her own nerve. Then she says probably the exact same moment he’s thinking of- or at least one of them- the jail cell. The defining, triggering moment that set this thing at full speed. He can’t believe she’s really saying the words, about to hear what he hopes is his feeling of that jail cell reciprocated in her words and his head turns quickly to look at her, unable to believe his ears that what he’s been dying for all along is going to happen. The Talk™️ is happening and damn it seems like it’s happening in the right direction.

Of course we have no damn clue what was said and I’m jaded and don’t think they’ll ever tell us- RIP the note. BUT I’m so glad it actually happened (and the cinematographic parallels of course), a STEP towards canon!Ellick I’m fine.

Now to see where they take this from here in the last two episodes and I can only hope an angst filled canon!Ellick because duh.

#ellick #ncis #torres x bishop #wwr #hopefully laura doesn't hate me #also this may be less in depth than previous because i was rushing whoops 😬#18x14

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a-woman-apart · 4 years ago

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Watch "I'M BACK! WHY I LEFT YOUTUBE FOR TWO YEARS!" on YouTube

youtube

This scared me so badly, because this is EXACTLY what happened in my life, except it was all in The Reverse.

I graduated with an Associate Degree in Music Performance in 2018, but instead of running TOWARDS my dream/calling I ran hardcore AWAY from it. My pride in graduating only lasted a month before I declared myself Utterly Unmarketable and sought to go after a "real degree" and get a Big Girl career.

Between 2018 and 2020 I had major life changes.

My dad died of stomach cancer

I broke up with my neglectful boyfriend

I turned down a Full Ride to a major college

I hospitalized myself for Suicidal Ideation (Sept 2019)

I quit my job of 5 years

I started working for my best friend and became her Office Manager

I started dating the Love of my Life

I lost my friend group and peer support

I lost my mind and left college due to COVID-19 (but not before making one of my best decisions in taking a Screenwriting class because I WANTED not NEEDED it)

Started distancing myself from the toxic women in my life and definining Womanhood/Adulthood for myself

Visited my brother's grave after over a decade of waiting and got closure

Fully acknowledged my childhood trauma/abuse

Rediscovered my sexuality

Was disowned by who I erroneously thought was a close friend of 17 years over my political views

Joined and exited Unity2020

Turned in my car for repossession

Spent a week in the hospital after having a severe, paranoid psychotic break, but came out completely free of the vice of self-consciousness I was living under

You know what is nuts? I feel in many ways, I have completely reverted to who I was in the summer of 2011. I was off my meds, and it WAS mania, but personality-wise, the tempestuous, gum-chewing, cigarette-puffing, flirtatious, humorous, free-spirited ball of fire that drove all the way to Colorado on a whim wasn't rebellious, SHE WAS ME.

I just wasn't Me around the right people, and it wasn't the Right Time.

My inner Sagittarius moon would remain in a dormant state for almost a full decade. I would spend the next 9 years heavily sedated, sleepwalking through life, only alive at The Sound of Music.

It was Torture to feel so much but be afraid to express myself. I had to Hide while doing a major that demanded that I Command Attention. I am by nature "dramatic", "theatrical", "emotional", "expressive" but that part of me was so suppresed that I was frequently told I sang with excellence but without emotion.

Aside: During my 2011 manic episode, I spoke a lot about Doppelgangers. Without going into excessive detail, this is a German word that means "Double" and it is considered bad luck to encounter yours.

In the past 2 weeks, I have encountered people that look/sound like me (Josephine is Nigerian-Canadian and I am Nigerian-American and I kept thinking about her work even though I initially disagreed with her lot) and a woman with my name (different spelling) who was NOTHING like me and I also think might've had malice in mind for me.

I was DEFINITELY an agnostic atheist when I started this year, but as a result of undergoing so much weird shit I almost certainly believe in God, and yes, "God is a Woman." (More on that later)

Also, I realized that I really DID, as many teenage girls, "lose interest in math and science" but that was because of the terrible, unfactual way it was presented in my homeschool curriculum and by my mom, who was a Math major but whose disinterested detachment made every algebra lesson an excercise in torture.

I have always loved biolology and anatomy and I remember so much more chemistry than I thought. Geology class in community college was amazing and also helped me understand-- even more than the Theory of Evolution-- why young earth creationism was completely impossible.

As for math, I spent 15 years thinking it was my greatest weakness when I have had to use arithmetic in cashiering, my managerial work, and my monthly budget for the last 7 years. Also, as annoying as it was to hear constantly, my mom parroting "What you have to do to one side, you have to do to the other" (but in reverse) gave me the ability to do Algebra quickly and (mostly) effortlessly. I could never get A's, but I got a B in Quantitative Mathematics with no real help aside from occasional teacher input and the "Help me solve this" function of MyMathLab.

Here is where it Gets Weird. I am a Creative. I have been writing stories since I was 6 years old. I have loved Story all my life. My parents were in math and science fields and they completely lacked any creativity. COMPLETELY. It was part of why they were so religiously rigid, authoritarian, and draconian. There was no room for spontaneity or childish imaginativeness.

Looking back, I had major sensory and processing issues. I was likely speech delayed, I learned to read late, and I recently confirmed that when I am stressed my dyscalculia kicks in bad (it IS real). Numbers and symbols get really interchangeable (like an 8 and infinity symbol become kinda the same) which is why I had to recite phone numbers out loud to remember them or write them on colorful backgrounds so I can see them in my head as an image. Also explains my aversion to math but my ease with fractions (1/2 is half a sandwich, etc).

My spatial awareness is also shit when stressed. Before I turned in our car, I had earned the nickname "U-turn" from my boyfriend because on that Floating Death Machine left and right got completely crossed, frequently.

By the way, I struggled with right and left until I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD. I literally didn't understand the concept of a mirror and 3D space, meaning that the basic understanding that my right is someone else's left didn't come into play until I had an argument with my [now-deceased] brother about it.

What is so weird, is that because of years of correcting for these issues, my sense of direction, ON FOOT is good, if not better than most people. Also, once I realized that, given the opportunity, I very much do whatever I can with my left-hand, and that my hearing is MUCH better than I even thought, I am far less clumsy. Depth perception is still crap, but that is probably also because I was forced to spend years without the glasses I needed (and got earlier this year after living with chronic eye strain)

When I talk about these "issues" it is in line with female autism, but you know what? If really do have adult autism, then I am a Complete Boss because I have pwned that ho.

After being rehospitalized, a kind nurse suggested I may have PTSD and suggested medicine for insomnia and nightmares. It was extremely helpful. I had been looking into C-PTSD for a while, because I didn't think I had "suffered enough" to have "real" PTSD. But that isn't how diagnoses work.

Btw, I still have Bipolar I, Psychotic Features. Another kind nurse told me I don't need anti-psychotics, and no, I don't. I was given Zyprexa by a bitch nurse and it was like getting drunk. I stumbled the halls, almost fell over (possibly did) and woke up with a neon "Fall Risk" bracelet. Anti-psychotics also fucked up my menstrual cycle for years and I have had lingering hormonal isssues. Haha no thanks.

Anyway, I digress. Of course I am fucked up. I lived under family members who questioned my reality, attempted to crush my dreams, threatened me with physical punishment any time I behaved in non-neurotypical ways, violated my rights and interfered with my treatment even though I was a full legal adult, undermined my relationships, tortured and socially isolated me, etc., all under the guise "of knowing best."

In minority cultures, our darkness hides in plain sight, and ESPECIALLY in the Bible Belt, with its supeestition and idolization of familial hierarchy/patriarchy, victims of financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical abuse have no where safe to turn. The Long Arm of the Law is often Short when it comes to "breaking up the family", and women and children are victimized openly with little to no intervention.

On top of doing my Creative Work, I plan to create legislation to make sure that what happened to me and my siblings isn't allowed to go unpunished. We lost my older brother, and I almost died, too, but Enough is Enough.

The Time is Now.

P.S. If Josephine is an Air Nomad I identify as a Water Bender. I basically have no water in my astrological chart, but water signs bring me great comfort in times of need (and make bad romantic partners for me obviously)

Also, this is one Bad Biyatch.

I also found out I am an ISFJ, not INFJ. Yep. Gonna be a Playwright and Director. I want to be a part of the action, not just writing about it.

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justdyingslowly · 5 years ago

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1. Name justdyingslowly obviously come on

2. Nationality Australian

3. Age 22

4. Birthday nnnah dont feel like it

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign) Libra/Scorpio cusp

6. Gender wamon

7. Sexuality very very hetero

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself) androgenous

9. What do you/did you study? Psychology (focus on sexology) and art.

10. What’s your current job like?/What job would you like to have? I am disabled you think I can work ha sexologist would be awesome. When I was a kid I wanted to be a fireman but Australias always burning

11. Your birth order head first

12. How many siblings do you have? 1

13. Do you have good relations with your family? yeah dads finally out of his abusive relationship, nearing age 70 and his emotions and his sexuality are finally opening up for the first time and that makes me SO happy.

14. How many friends do you have? what kind of fucked up question is this.

15. Your relationship status relationshipped. Fiance? got the marriage papers in a drawer somewhere with the car rego but can’t be fucked filling them?

16. What do you look for in a SO? empathetic, mature, calm. Always open to discussion. Prefers to be blunt rather than secretive. Emotional age over 14 (incredibly fucking rare apparently). Puts an importance on context and understanding other views above all else.

17. Do you have a crush? Hellll yeah Crush on my partner and got a crush on a mutual friend of ours who don’t even know hes cute af hehe one day partners gonna accidentally spill the beans and embarrass me coz hes shit with secrets RIP me.

18. When did you have your first kiss? You think I can remember this bullshit? Its not that big a deal

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands? One night stand sex almost exclusively sucks. Just. SUCKS. Because neither of you know what the other likes and it ends up being an awkward mix of trying to please yourself while trying to also be considerate.

20. What are your deal breakers? Plugging your ears to anything that feels gross, uncomfortable or disagrees with you. How can you grow as a person without introspection? How can you mold what you think and believe without taking in other arguments and comparing them to your beliefs to see how they stack up? Its pathetic.

21. How was your day? cute mutual friend had a fall this morning and were both worried about him. His back is bad and he’s getting a little older, he can’t be getting dizzy and having falls like that. other than that im anxious about seeing my gastro. He’s lovely but... specialists are specialists. Good at knowing what they know but not always great at listening.

22. Favourite food & drink you think im allowed to eat or drink? water and... foods a touchy subject.

23. What position do you sleep in? Usually on my side with a body pillow to grip so I don’t end up choking my partner in his sleep.

24. What was your last dream about? uuhhh...going to italy and being unable to get into this tiny basket boat properly.

25. Your fears does PTSD to medical shit count haha

26. Your dreams ... going to italy and being unable to get into a tiny basket boat thingy?

27. Your goals - get some sort of diagnosis eventually. Its been 3 years of trying and im tired. - get back to studying art part time for my bachelors. - pass JLPT N3. - go back to university for psychology. - do the dishes when I get home.

28. Any pets? two budgies. we also take care of any orphaned or injured birds.

29. What are your hobbies? feeling nauseous drawing writing a little bit im making a little gameboy game in C atm too

30. Any cool places in your area? i live next to a national park with waterfalls and koalas and emus and stuff

31. What was your last awkward situation? mutual friend made a comment on his chest i playfully smacked it (related to the comment) it was surprisingly hard “O-oh wow, thats... I didnt expect that” my partner laughed at me. it was awful.

32. What is your last regret? getting embarrassed at friends pecs stop making me think about it 33. Language/s you can speak english. N4 Japanese.

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.) of course not what the fuck

35. Have any quirks? Quirkless. I do wiggle when im happy though apparently.

36. Your pet peeves open doors.

37. Ideal vacation spend a months chilling in an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice

38. Any scars? internal? yes

39. What does your last text message say? peepee poopoo ustinky

40. Last 5 things from your search history how do i find this

41. What’s your [device] background? Sam Porter Bridges walkin around Sam Porter Bridges cuddling BB-28 Louise while he sleeps my chicken

42. What do you daydream about? all might

43. Describe your dream home an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice

44. What’s your religion/Your thought about religion its a comforting thought having a parent-figure who cares about you and looks after all the big things you can’t manage yourself, but institutionalizing it runs a severe risk of becoming harmful cults. And it often does.

45. Your personality type me

46. The most dangerous thing you’ve done i saw the lost bunny that was on all the posters in the neighbourhood looked thin and patchy so i grabbed him to take him home. im allergic. sent me to hospital and I almost died.

47. Are you happy with your current life? feeling sick sucks and partners having a depressive episode but things are pretty good

48. Some things you’ve tried in your life living

49. What does your wardrobe consist of? blacks, reds, whites and pinks

50. Favourite colour to wear? at the moment pink. Red is always comforting though.

51. How would you describe your style? mix between lazy alternative punk, teenager with band shirts and harajuku peach kawaii uwu

52. Are you happy with your current looks? kinda wish i was a bit shorter but what can you do

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be? bit shorter

54. Any tattoos or piercings? lol no PTSD

55. Do you get complimented often? by who? partner constantly, family haha are you kidding im australian so a friend’s version of showing affection is calling you a cunt and slapping your ass in public

56. Favourite aesthetic? all might

57. A popular trend that you dislike blocking because you disagree or find them distasteful. Ignoring all context to opposing thoughts and arguments. taking a personal feeling of disgust to mean something is evil. Blocking your ears to anything that isn’t a circlejerk of what you already think - and trying to isolate anyone who even just listens to something other then the noise of your sloppy dicks to have a thought of their own.

58. Songs you’re currently obsessed with? The Machine by Low Roar

59. Song you normally wouldn’t admit you like. why wouldnt i admit i like a song

60. Favourite genre? probably enka haha

61. Favourite artist/band/genre? probably enka haha oh and tatsuro yamashita

62. Hated popular songs/artists? why the hell would I hate something like a song? I hate aspects of the music industry as a whole I guess?

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5 which playlist they aren’t all together in one place

64. Can you sing or play any instruments? piano, saxophone... uh... partners good at making music and playing shakuhachi

65. Do you like karaoke? no.

66. Own any albums? yes? many?

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations? no. but triple J, ABC Jazz and Classical. sometimes they even play final fantasy and JRPG music on classical which is pretty neat. -

68. Favourite movie/series? can i make this about games because then the answer is Metal Gear Solid

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc ...shounen?

70. Your fictional crush/es if they’re over 40yrs old, male and happy and bubbily or grumpy and sad then there’s a big ol fat chance I wanna bone. Solid Snake from MGS4, All Might and pretty much anyone drawn by Tarou Madoromi.

71. Which fictional character is you? uh

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so what does this even mean what language is this

73. Favourite greek god? idk hades seems chill

74. A legend from where you live that you like the story of Tjilbruke is funny and good. all Kaurna stories are good.

75. Do you like art? What’s your favourite work or artist? im in a big egon schiele mood atm.

76. Can you share your other social media? no i am incapable

77. Favourite youtubers? many

78. Favourite platform? not too high up. actually i like being a little lower than ground level in corners.

79. How much time do you spend on the internet? too much

80. What video games have you played? Which one’s your favourite? look i just want to say that MGS4 is the best one in the series and Death Stranding is phenomenally engaging.

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts) these are all so goddamn definitive how can I pick? Oh wait the answer is One Piece

82. Do you play board/card games? I play DnD atm and know 15 yr old rules to Yugioh

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema? that shit dosn’t happen here

84. Favourite holiday golden week coz its a week also easter because thats when all the glucose based sweets come back

85. Are you into dramas? what kind

86. Would you use death note, if you had one? no. thats called being a murderer.

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to? chill people out a bit. when people feel unsafe they get really depenfive and territorial and block their ears to everything, making in-and-out groups for themsevles that end up putting them in more harm.

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse? im disabled with a disabled partner. we arent funny sure we can survive normal everyday life when society is angled so sharply against us.

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be? id like to be a mimi spirit

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death? spooky time

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick? toshinori yagi

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week? anyone healthy

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo that cursed one with the intense eyes and the hand

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true im me im not me im pee

95. Cold or hot? cold.

96. Be a hero or be a villain? both are distasteful ideas in reality

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme? i can’t do either partner speak sin bad puns and its hell, these both sound about equal

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time? shapeshifting. controlling time is eithe rmanipulative or lonely. shapeshifing is every other superpower at once.

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death? both are deeply upsetting ideas

100. ….. or …..? jiji or ossan? generally Jiji, but ossans can be lovely too.

#personal #stupid

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drunklander · 5 years ago

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Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 502

Watched this episode after winning Wynonna Earp trivia (fuck yeah, The Shit Tickets!) at a bar, put on by a queer af podcast, followed by going to see a queer af movie, and was all ready to get my Beauchamp fix... And it was like oh here’s a taste and a hint that we’re gonna end up in a story line similar to what we’ve already done multiple times, but now on to the menfolk.

For real though, this episode was like an OL greatest hits clip show. It had all the stuff we’ve seen before. A time traveler who wants to go home? Check. Rape PTSD? Check. A man being a dad to a kid who isn’t/might not be his? Check. That same man being the absolute worst? Check. Claire being reckless with future medicine? Check. Townsfolk questioning Claire’s medical knowledge in favor of the local Man of Importance? Check. Jamie trying to be on both sides at once? Check. A villain who seemed to have died the previous season and should have fucking stayed dead? Check.

We’ve literally seen all of this stuff before.

For a show that spent the first part of season two claiming to be a political drama and then last season claiming that they “weren’t political” I see we’re back to just leaning hard into politics that have direct parallels today.

No fucks left to give about the system Murtz is kind of my favorite Murtz. Like this dude spent his whole life living by a code and an oath and was fucked over by the system so many fucking times that he’s ready to just burn it all down. Curious to see how they walk the domestic terrorist vs. freedom fighter line with him for the rest of the season.

Got all excited about the bread title card because yay medicinal mold, but of course, the lead character was relegated to the B story.

Old timey medicine baffles me. Like the fact that bleeding someone was like a catchall remedy boggles the mind.

I feel rull bad for Mrs. Whoeverthefuck though. She tried.

Also, shit like this makes me be like, yo Claire, you sure you wanna stay here? Jamie’s really not all that and a bag of chips. But you do you, boo.

Speaking of Jamie, his hair looks really good. A thousand fruit baskets to the new wig person.

Lulz at Knox thinking the Gathering was about being loyal to king and country. Dummy.

Srsly though, Murtz Valmurtz is really getting under their skin. Is he like the *only* Regulator leader?

The convo between Knox and Jamie is literally as relevant today as it is in the 1770s. But yeah, the show IsN’t PoLiTiCaL.

The fact that fuckers think those at the bottom should be happy with their lot because “lol it could be worse” need to be punched in the face and taken out of power. Stat.

Also any time someone in power talks about civility as a reason not to rise up against injustice, I want to punch them. Because they deserve it.

I want to punch a lot of things.

This whole episode is very Les Mis, tbh.

Literalol at Claire covering dead guy’s face and not his body cavity before Bree comes in.

Aw Bree, why you gotta be a buzzkill? We were cheated of badass Doctor!Claire in S3. Let us have this.

Also, yeah, Claire, Bree’s fucking right. Which you’d think you’d know by now what with alL THE FUCKING TIMES YOU’VE BEEN CALLED A WITCH. AND NOW YOU’RE UPPING YOUR GAME TO LIKE NECROMANCY?!

Also the more she says no one will find out the more annoying it is because *clearly* someone *is* gonna find out and we’re gonna be back on the “she’s a witch!” “I’m not a witch!” “you literally have a dead guy in your closet!” merry-go-round again.

Today in most on-the-nose shots ever: How convenient that Marsali just happens to be doing some butchering right there, right then.

Petition for the show to go full Shondaland and just turn into a backwoods medical drama with Claire and Marsali, and all the others (cough the men cough) can fuck on off.

Tarring and feathering is like the old timey version of #AlwaysPunchAFascist but dialed to 11.

Oh the baggage behind Jamie saying redcoat man will someday wear his scars with honor that none of these fuckers know about...

Ok so clearly the English know that Claire’s a doctor so whenever shit hits the witchy dead dude fan, can we please have a quick resolution and not that dumb af “Claire goes to jail and of course her cellmate is a lesbian because Diana sucks at writing queer characters” nonsense?

Man Jamie is *not* subtle with this convo at the jail. Like Knox is right there and he’s just like hey buddies, I have people and we’re Scottish and y’know how we feel about protecting people vs. obeying the English.

I AM SPARTACUS FITZGIBBONS!

Aaand, naturally, the fuckwit preaching civility is the one to kill a man in cold blood. Rise up, motherfuckers. Rise up.

THANK FUCK ROGER IS A TERRIBLE SHOT BECAUSE IF THAT SQUIRREL DIED I WOULD LEGIT QUIT THE SHOW. RUN AWAY AND BE FREEEEEE YOU PRECIOUS LIL WILDERNESS FLOOFER!

Roger is, and I cannot stress this enough, the fucking worst.

He’s like look how shitty I am at being a soldier but then bitches about having to try to learn. And then he bitches about how dumb it is to shoot at squirrels as if being able to hit a squirrel wouldn’t make hitting a much larger thing, like a man who is shooting back at you, that much easier. And also, how the fuck does he think they get meat to eat? Shooting it, you twatwaffle.

And he’s like so fucking butthurt about being left behind. Like no shit, asshat. You’re bad at being in the past and have made no real effort and you whine a lot and are generally the worst. Of *course* you were left behind. Stop being emo about it and maybe actually try.

“He doesn’t respect me, Bree.” Yeah, no shit. Because you’ve done LITERALLY NOTHING to earn his respect. WHY ARE YOU SO TERRIBLE IT’S LIKE THEY’RE INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO MAKE HIM SUCK.

He also is like butthurt that his wife is a better shot than him when she gets the turkey he misses. How the fuck are we supposed to ship this. Ugh.

#BreeDeservesBetter

Oh Bree, sweetie, Jem won’t get hit by a car, but there are like eleventy million ways to die in the past. Just stick with the “you want to stay with your family” stuff.

Roger clearly doesn’t want to stay and is gonna pull a Fred and make Bree feel bad about wanting to all season, isn’t he. Fahkin’ doucherocket.

“I want to go but I’ll stay for you and look how magnanimous I am as I whine about it and make no effort to acclimate to the time.” Take your martyr card and shove it, Rog.

Shorter Jamie Fraser: “If you stand for nothing, Knox, what’ll you fall for?”

I’m already over Roger singing all the time tbh. Mostly because it reminds me that soon he won’t be able to do that anymore and we’re gonna be subjected to like half a season of him being more insufferable than he already is.

Wait, was Joan already born last episode? Or was there another time jump? Is Marsali preggers with baby #3? I lost track.

I love this scene between Claire and Marsali with my whole heart. Marsali especially.

CAN WE PLEASE JUST HAVE A WHOLE SHOW OF THESE TWO BEING ALL BADASS AND DOCTORY TOGETHER!?

Although, quick question, how fucking long is Claire planning to keep that un-embalmed body lying around in an un-refrigerated surgery/root cellar? Just curious...

Because you know someone’s gonna find it eventually and that’s gonna be a whole to do and I really need to stop being preemptively annoyed at plot lines that haven’t actually happened yet.

And with all this talk of plowshares and swords, I really am going to be singing Les Mis for days...

How long have these biddies been living on the Ridge? The fucking Leoch folks spent like a minute with Claire before they were like yep, she knows what’s up. These folks have apparently been here for months and are like loool, pass. They live in the fucking woods. You’d think they’d be more open to Claire’s brand of medicine.

Omg are they like the accidental antivaxxers of the Ridge?

#VaccinateYourFuckingKids

I mean, Bree, I think there’s some difference between Claire pretending to be a dude doc and telling folks to wash their hands and Otter Tooth.

Season 2 Claire and Otter Tooth on the other hand...

Ok so Jamie needs more men so that means next week is AHS: Beardsley Farm and then maybe (hopefully) instead of being like lol jk you can all go home, it actually goes right into the battle thing. Still not sure if they’re gonna do Roger getting hanged as the mid-season big thingy and then do the Bonnet nonsense in the back half or keep trying to do both of those at once.

Hey, Roger, pro-tip, next time you see Morag MacKenzie, maybe don’t fuCKING MAKE OUT WITH HER YOU FUCKING DUMBASS.

Claire’s totally right about how they should go back. Honestly, they should. But instead of talking with her like Claire is now with Roger, he’s just being all moody about how he’s bad at the past and wants to go back. You’re shooting yourself in the foot, broski.

Oh hey Husband the Quaker. And is that a fellow Quaker named Hunter with him? Are we gonna get Denny and Rachel this season?! Please and thank you that’d be great, I love them.

Murtz talking to his squad is full on Enjolras being like don’t worry fam, Marius will stand and fight with us. His place is there, he’ll fight with you.

The two very different but very similar ways Murtz and Jamie approach being Laird of their squads is fun to explore.

Bree lecturing Claire about changing the future by saving a few backwater hicks like Claire didn’t spend years trying to fucking change all of Scottish history is a bit rich. Like writers, we get it, you’re trying to be like oh snap, wait for the consequences of this bread!science! But like come the fuck on. We sat through all of season two.

“You’re a good dad, you know that?” Oh man, I’m getting that déjà vu about a shitty man getting kudos for being a good dad to a kid as if that negates all of his shittiness.

Oh hey, Bonnet’s back. Clearly we couldn’t have just let him die last season. Gotta drag shit on for longer than it has to. This is the [Outlander] Way.

If they were gonna keep him around as a villain, they shouldn’t have (in addition to all the other reasons) included him raping Bree. Jamie, Murtagh and Bonnet all making choices within and outside of the law to various degrees in order to make their living in the Colonies would be a really interesting contrast. But nope, gotta just go all in. BeCaUsE tHe BoOk.

Also I hate with the passion of a thousand fiery suns the Jemmy’s paternity stuff. Le sigh.

Remember in season one when the show was about Claire and she was in episodes for longer than 10 minutes?

I miss Claire.

#*#outlander starz #outlander 5x02 #drunj!der yells about outlander

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daniellesimagines · 5 years ago

Text

Try It Again (Ashton Irwin) - Part 2 *

submitted by @palayeeeroyale

Part 1

Trigger warning: Mentions of rape, PTSD

“-and then I rolled down my window like ‘I’m so sorry, Shia LaBeouf!’ and then he- Ash? Ashton, are you even listening?” Michael interrupted his story when he saw that his friend sitting passenger in his car staring at his phone.

“Hmm?” Ashton murmurs, finally looking up, “Oh sorry, mate, I was just texting Y/N.” The rest of the band nods, understanding that Michael’s story is the last thing Ash is concerned about. The boys decided to carpool to the studio today rather than be in separate cars.

“How’s she doing? She still having sleep trouble?” Calum asked.

“She’s been doing better, actually. She still has nightmares from time-to-time, but she hasn’t had any sleep paralysis in a few months. And she’s starting to get more confident,” Ashton informed the three curious boys, finally sliding his phone back in his pocket.

Luke, Michael, and Calum were all worried about you as well. Being with Ashton meant being around them a lot, so it was inevitable for you four to be close to each other. Their respective significant others and you were all really close as well, you and Sierra were even to be bridesmaids in Michael and Crystal’s wedding. So when the tragic incident happened, everyone was understandably scared about you; There wasn’t a single dry eye in the hospital room the day you were admitted.

“How has she become more confident?” the long-haired singer asked from his seat behind the eldest boy of the group.

Ashton sighed, not sure if he should even tell them something as personal as this. But he looked at the concerned faces staring back at him – all except Michael, who was driving – and knew that they aren’t gonna make too big of a deal out of it like they normally did whenever one of them talked about their sex life, he decided to.

“You have to promise me you won’t mention to Y/N that I told you…” All three boys nodded, confused as to what the answer could possibly be. “Recently, we tried to have sex again.”

“Y-You didn’t make her, did you?” the kiwi boy asked hesitantly.

“No! God, no! I would never!” Ashton yelled, very offended by the question. Calum shrunk back under the hateful glare that Ashton was sending him.

“Well, how’d it go?” Michael tried to ease the tension, “Did you two finish?”

“No, she safe-worded out. But I’m so fucking glad she did. I was terrified she would’ve just let me have my way with her, y’know? I would’ve felt terrible if I knew that I fucked her while she was having flashbacks of what happened.” The boys simply nod.

The Tesla was silent for a minute before Michael brought up an idea.

“Why don’t you let her be in charge or something…?” he offered. Ashton looked at him with an eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, yeah! Let her be on top so she won’t get scared of you being on her,” Calum included. Ashton sat there quietly, taking in the suggestions the boys were throwing at him.

“That’s not a bad idea at all. Like, make her feel like she has complete control of the situation?”

The drummer earned a simultaneous “Yes!” “Yeah!” “Exactly!” in response. He hadn’t really thought about that.

Ashton was never one to be submissive. He liked his dominance. He liked having power over someone – a person who would do anything to please him whenever he so desired.

He tried giving up the power once with you during the early stages of your relationship, and although it was enjoyable, it wasn’t something he was into doing regularly. You accepted this, since you two were just experimenting at the time, and stuck ‘femme-dom’ under the metaphorical list of kinks that you two weren’t gonna pursue.

But now, he’s never heard of a more perfect idea. Letting you have total control of what you do and what he does? It’s brilliant!

“That’s such a fucking good idea, Mike,” he looks at the guitarist in complete awe.

“Thanks,” he stated proudly, “You only get one good one out of me per year.”

“More like per millennia…” the other blonde mumbled.

“Shut up, Luke!”

Ashton held onto the idea of you two switching roles for about three weeks.

He wasn’t gonna come up to you with the idea – he was gonna wait until you wanted to have sex again. He didn’t want you to feel like you were being rushed, so he decided to be patient. He assumed you weren’t gonna want to try anything again for another few months, but your words one day during dinner made him nearly start choking on his food.

“Ash, I wanna try having sex again,” you stated casually. The black-haired boy started to cough, startled by the proposition. After he had finally swallowed the pasta, he responded.

“Princess, it’s only been a couple weeks. Don’t you wanna wait a little longer?” he looks at you, who’s now standing the other side of the table beside him, with uncertainty.

“Please, Ashton! I want to be close with you again. I want you to make love to me. I wanna make you feel good.” That last sentence slipped out. As soon as you said it, the boy’s eyes softened.

“Baby, don’t feel like you should try having sex again for me. I’m perfectly okay going without sex if it means that you’re getting better. Your therapist said that if you were to have another PTSD episode, it could set you back. You could have your night terrors again, or your sleep paralysis… I don’t want to hurt you or your recovery.”

“I know what Dr. Torrence said. But I miss you – I miss the intimacy and the passion between us. Please, Ashton; I know you’re worried, but this is something I really wanna try one more time,” you try to persuade. He looks at you in thought for a while before making a decision.

“I’ve actually thought of a way that could help you get through it, but I’ll tell you what. Next Saturday, if you’re still 100% sure you wanna try it again, then we’ll do it. I just want to make sure this isn’t some kind of ‘in the moment’ thing or whatever. I don’t wanna hurt you, princess,” Ashton puts his hand on your cheek. You place a hand on his wrist and look at him with understanding eyes.

“Okay, next Saturday sounds good,” you smile. He returns the gesture, then kisses your nose just to see your face scrunch up like it does every time he kisses you there.

One week later

Now it’s next Saturday, and the want to have sex with your boyfriend only grew stronger. You wanted to give it another go – you really believe that can do it and not freak out.

You two were in your bedroom, kissing each other passionately. You both stand there for a bit before either one of you speak.

“Baby, take off my shirt,” he mumbles against your lips. You oblige, swiftly unbuttoning everything. You wait for him to do the same for you, but never makes the motion.

“Aren’t you gonna take my clothes off?”

“Nuh-uh,” he shakes his head, “I want you to have total control over everything. You can take off your clothes when you want, you can touch me when you want, you can tell me where to touch you – everything.” You blink at him, surprised. Him being so willing to give up all the power to you nearly brings you to tears. But you try not to ruin the moment, so you take off your shirt.

Shedding both of your clothes, you pull Ashton towards the bed. You lay down and pull him on top of you. But that position only lasts only a second before he flips you both over. You looked at him in shock for the second time.

“Like I said, you have the whole say so,” he reminded you. You smile down at the raven-haired boy below you.

You take him in your hand and line him up at your entrance, the both of you groaning at this feeling of you sinking down on him. You pause a moment, adjusting to the length, before bouncing up and down.

This seems…natural.

You have no unsettling feeling and, for the first time in eight months, your head is clear of any of any of the horror that you’ve experienced. You and Ashton were having sex…

And you were enjoying it.

“Ashton, touch me,” you commanded.

“Where, baby girl?”

You shake your head, “I don’t care – anywhere. Please.”

Ashton immediately reaches to your breasts, squeezing and pinching your nipples. You moan out his name louder as you were getting closer to your high.

“You close, princess?” You nod. “Me too. Come for me.”

You take one of his hands that were on your boob and brought it down to your core, hoping he would understand what you wanted. Luckily, he did, using his fingers to circle your clit. A couple more bounces and you released all over his length, causing Ashton to finish as well. Once you’ve both come down from your highs, you pull off of him and lay down next to him.

You two lay there silently for a bit, just enjoying being next to each other…

Then Ashton heard it: your sniff.

You were crying.

His stomach dropped, and his heart started pounding.

Fuck, no no no.

This wasn’t supposed to happen; You were supposed to safe-word out. God dammit, he fucked this up. He fucked everything up. He hurt you and now you were gonna reset all the progress you had just made recovering.

God fucking dammit.

“Baby…” he whispers. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I should’ve been mor-” He stops when he hears you laughing. You look at him with a large smile as his eyebrows furrow.

“I did it!” you announce, “I fucking did it!” Your tears flow harder, but your smile somehow gets wider.

“Wait, what?”

“Ashton… I had sex! And I liked it!” you sit up, “Holy shit, I had an orgasm again! I never thought I’d be able to do that again! Oh my god!” Your happy tears turned into happy sobs.

Your boyfriend let out the biggest sigh of relief, before sitting up as well to hug you. You rest your head on his chest.

“I’m so fucking proud of you, princess,” he kissed the top of your head.

You look up at him with teary eyes, “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being there for me. For waiting for me to be ready again. For letting me be dominant so we can do this, even though you aren’t used to it. For everything.” Ashton smiles, softly taking your chin in his hand and kissing your lips.

“I’d do anything for you.”

#THE ABSOLUTE DISRESPECT #THE ACTUAL NERVE #THE SHEER INJUSTICE #THE LITERAL DISHONOR ON MY COW #LILY #HOW MANY TIMES MUST YOU LET ME THINK YOU LOVE ME BEFORE YOU PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY AND JUST TELL ME YOU DONT #also the obigatory 'shut up luke' in every 5sos imagine gives me such life yall have no idea #ashton irwin #5sos #submission #palayeeeroyale #5sos imagine #ashton imagine #ashton irwin imagine #*#smut #i guess???

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suffering-and-happy-about-it · 5 years ago

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The Second Incident (Kids, Monsters, D&D and Adults, Part 2.) (Part 27.)

Description: A problematic college student gets the worst summer job of the ‘83 - Jim Hopper, the Chief of police in your hometown will have you as his secretary since his old lady Flo has two months lasting holiday. It was agreed so Hopper could keep you far away from all the trouble.

Part Summary: As October came by again, your traditional family vacation did as well. And just like the last year, the things were about to go downhill. Yet that year, Hopper wanted to make sure you’re completely out of the game.

A/N: So, season 2 is here! We’re getting extremely close to bad Russians of 1985 and I’m getting more and more anxious about this fic.

Word count: 4.2 K

Tagging: @nemodoren @creedslove @missdictatorme (CHECK HER OUT, SHE’S SO LOVELY)

Master list: H E R E

The fourth of July at your parents’ was exquisite - you always had the greatest view from your garden and that year was no exception. The most exciting part was to shoot the fireworks on your own - which was your dad’s and Jim’s job. Eleven was sitting on your brother’s shoulders while you were snuggling to Hopper in the back as you watched the colors on the sky, drinking a beer. And it was the first evening your mother wasn’t looking at you with worries. Jim and your dad made the best burgers waiting for the fireworks to start blasting, you were preparing sweets with your mom, Aiden spent his time with his newfound niece, drawing with her.

You made a pact including you, Jim and partially your mom, who, of course, didn’t have to know everything - you needed to leave Eleven at that household way more often to have some time for kinky fucking. And you definitely felt more than ready to try out new things and to deepen your horizons.

From your thoughts about all of that kinky fucking Eleven woke you up. She was standing in front of you with a drawing, looking you in the eyes.

“For you from me.” - She peeped and you patted Hopper’s ass, sending him off to the garden and you walked with Eleven to the kitchen to have some more burgers. You were hungry as hell - but suddenly, you stopped as you watched that drawing.

It was you, Hopper, her, Aiden and your parents, all holding hands. It was a drawing looking a lot like stickmen, but with some nice details - there was that big red waistband you always wore on your wrist, Aiden had Go-Hawkins-Go! t-shirt and your mom had a big smile on her lips. And on top of that, there was written 'famili’ with a sweet grammar error. This one made you smile.

“Is this for me, baby?” - You whispered, looking at her with actual tears in your eyes. She smiled, nodding at you, stealing yet another cookie from the plate on the counter.

“This masterpiece will hang on my fridge until the day I die, I swear.” - You mumbled happily, kissing her forehead and bringing her for a hug. At that moment, you got why Joyce was showing Will’s rainbow spaceship to everyone who visited Melvald’s. You were extremely proud as you watched the drawing.

You and Joyce got pretty friendly since Hopper proposed to you, honestly. You went to Melvald’s for every small thing or when you just felt the need to talk with her, sometimes even going as far to visit her place to learn to cook something really good for Hopper and Eleven.

Since the Byers disappearance incident, as everyone in Hawkins called the event, you knew that her younger son, Will, had some problems - you knew that every first day in every month, Joyce, Will, and Hopper left somewhere for the whole afternoon, but you never asked about any details. You were sure that Hopper wouldn’t tell you - he was one sly motherfucker, he would find his way to throw you off the rails.

But when you were in their house, Will was always glad to try what you’ve cooked. You talked with that boy a lot, to be honest, and you needed to say… That the boy was pretty cool, telling you all about Dungeons and Dragons campaigns, having these pop-cultural references and he liked some cool music. He was looking weird, yeah, but he sure as hell was cool. And he always said you’re a great cook, so you liked him even more.

You hadn’t got too close to Jonathan, though. Not that you were trying too hard. He wasn’t too much of a social person, so you only greeted each other when you came and never talked until you said goodbye.

“You’re leaving for a vacation? Leaving Hopper all alone here? Are you sure that he won’t starve to death or something like that?” - Joyce smiled, making the mashed potatoes while you checked on the meat put in the oven. That day, you were showing her how to make your famous meatloaf Hopper talked about all the fucking time.

“I do so every year since I was born. Plus, I think Jim can take care of himself for two weeks… Not even that long.” - You rolled your eyes, grinning ironically. - “I noticed that Will has gone to the… Somewhere you’re taking him two times since October had started. Is everything alright?” - You asked and closed the oven once again.

“He’s… Having some episodes. The doctor is saying that it’s because it’s been a year since he disappeared, something like PTSD. I’m just trying to make everything easier for him now.” - Joyce hugged herself, lighting up a cigarette, offering you one as well. You wanted to say that you know what she had on her mind, but she didn’t know about Eleven. And you couldn’t tell her no matter what. And to say that you know how does she feel because you have a child as well… That would be extremely weird.

“It will get better, Joyce. Just… Don’t lose hope. Will’s a smart kid and a fighter.” - You said and hugged her, looking at your watch, sighing dramatically. - “Holy crap, it’s this late? I need to go. The meatloaf only needs ten more minutes and it’s done. Say the boys that I hope it would taste them.”

“You better go.” - Joyce agreed and made sure that she’d at least walk you out of the door.

“I’m going to North Dakota soon, to see my grandma and family and I almost forgot about it. I haven’t even packed yet! Cooking with you always makes me forget stuff. And say hi to Bob from me!” - You giggled and ran to your car, waving at her with your purse.

“Sure. Have a lovely holiday!” - Joyce watched as you slowly left her driveway in your old car.

Cheri Cheri Lady was playing all over the forest as you pulled off in the driveway, turning the engine off. Eleven was peeking at you through one of the curtains while Jim was opening the door for you already. they knew that every time a loud car pulls off in front of the cabin, it’s you. No-one from the lab was that stupid to let the radio playing as loud as you did.

“You once forget your head somewhere, have I told you that?” - He grinned at you, kissing the back of your head as you hugged him, storming inside the cabin.

“My meatloaf is a fricking masterpiece and it needs time and patience. And patience is a virtue.” - You answered a bit ironically, throwing your stuff on the kitchen table, saying hi to Eleven with a tight hug. - “How were you, sweetheart?” - You asked with a small smile, looking her in the eyes. You did exactly as you told her - the drawing was on your fridge and you refused to take it off, having a furious motherly expression on your face when one of them touched it.

The drawing wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon and these two needed to accept that as a matter of fact. You weren’t playing any games.

“Fine. I’ve helped with packing.” - Eleven smiled at Hopper, making you furrow at him. You knew she had packing all of your stuff for the vacation on her mind, but a bit of fun never hurt anyone.

“I’m taken away, Mr. Hopper. You really want me out of the house in no time, huh?” - You mumbled with faked drama, making Eleven giggle. If you had to be honest, it was extremely sweet of them to pack your stuff - Hopper knew that you’d lose the track of time as you always did, making sure that you won’t be panicking and that you would make it on time.

“And we made tuna sandwiches. For you, grandma, grandpa, and uncle.” - Eleven said seriously, taking four small bags out of the fridge. These she loved to make the most, so you just accepted it with grace, learning how to love them.

“I will all of them on my own because I’m sure they’re the best in the entire world.” - You said playfully, making Eleven furrow at you.

“You should go. You have barely twenty minutes to ride to the house even if you ride like a madman.” - Jim said, making you realize that you’re leaving again. For the last time for the next twelve days, you hugged Eleven, kissing her all over her face, making her giggle.

“You need to promise that you won’t let him starve. And to eat also normal food, not just Eggos. Make him clean up the place and you two won’t have any bad blood once I’m gone, is that clear? Or I will make a long psychological sitting at the dinner table and you both know how annoying and uncomfortable these are.” - You pointed your finger at both of them, really kissing the temple of El’s head for the last time before you left the cabin. Hopper, as usual, came out just a second after you.

“You have everything there, alrite? I packed the damn bag with the best intentions.” - Hopper leaned into the top of your car and with that, you exactly knew what did that old douchebag had on his mind.

“You packed me only the lacy underwear you like, didn’t you?” - You mumbled and looked him in the eyes, seeing his face growing into the annoying grin he used to have every time he did some random bullshit like this was.

“Maybe I did.” - Jim laughed into your lips when you stole a big, fat kiss from her.

“Joyce told me it’s getting worse with Will now. Just… Promise me that you’d call me when something fishy would happen and that you keep them safe. And that you keep yourself safe in the first place, okay?” - You hugged him, closing your eyes, thinking about all of the stuff that happened last time you left Hawkins for a vacation.

“Gonna do it, mum. Can you go already? I am a grown man, I can do it on my own.” - Jim hugged you with one hand, but he took a deep breath in and tried to relax as well. He wasn’t sure about the last thing he told you. But he needed to look brave. For real, the Byers boy was making him worried.

“Be safe. And call me.” - You said definitely, stealing one last kiss before basically jumping into the car and stormed off. Just as last year, you drove to Dakota with having Aiden in the car, taking turns after four hours of driving, having a lot of fun on the road.

For the first few days, everything was extremely hectic at Dakota, but you had fun - just as he promised, Jim called you every day around afternoon to tell you how they are doing, everyone was extremely curious about him since now, he was not only your boyfriend but your fiancé as well.

Anyone could prepare themselves for what was about to hit Hawkins that time - and it all started with Eleven and Jim having a huge argument only two days after you’ve been gone from the cabin. Since you and your family weren’t around to make her occupied, the air between them got heavier and heavier. She was pissed about Mike, about Hopper keeping her under a constant lockdown, she was just mad and alone.

So the whole cabin just seemed to explode when the rage got on a level so high that she couldn’t contain it anymore. Eleven manifested her powers since you weren’t around. Normally, when it came to Hopper and her arguing, you were the neutral one, making them sit down and talk about everything - but without you there, oh Lord. Eleven was a protesting teenage girl and Hopper had a bad temper. And the situation got worse and worse - with Hopper not making it on time on the Halloween night.

You could say that some shit went down there when Hopper called you the day after, but you didn’t make too much out of that, because you knew that no matter their natures, they could make it work again. They manage to get through more than three months without you, they could do twelve days, for fuck’s sake.

The red flag came when Hopper hadn’t called you the other day… And the day after that. And the third as well. Only if you knew… Only if you knew what was going on there. There were monsters called Demodogs running around Hawkins, set loose, Hopper had fainted in one of the Mind Flayer’s veins, the rift in the lab needed to be closed as soon as possible and little Will who you liked so much was now controlled by the Mind Flayer.

But you didn’t know that, so naturally, when Hopper hadn’t picked the damn phone up the first three days, you tried to call Joyce. But boy, oh boy, you didn’t know that fucked them up in Hawkins, having the spy inside Will realizing where they were keeping him. When you heard the line ringing, you were excited and when someone picked up, you almost started talking - just to hear some muted voices and breathing before someone put the phone down.

You tried to call the phone again - only to hear as the phone line went dead and unreachable in the next second. You almost panicked, packed all the lacy stuff Hopper had packed you and went to Hawkins to yell his bitch ass down. But then you stopped yourself.

Maybe he got too caught up in a case? Maybe something was going on and Hopper just needed to focus on his damn work for once? Maybe he was off in the cabin with Eleven? That could be true…

But you would kill Hopper first and yell at Eleven seconds if you would know that the girl left the cabin twice actually while Jim wasn’t there - first, she took a fucking hike to Hawkins Middle to see Mike Wheeler with her own damn eyes and then, she went to search for her actual mother, Terry, and a weekend trip to Indianapolis. Your little, fucking fourteen-year-old girl, went to visit Indianapolis on her own while Jim’s ass was locked up in Hawkins Lab. He knew that he would be so dead if you knew.

So that was why he called you back as soon as he got the chance, in the hospital gown with his naked ass showing its glory to everyone in the Lab. It was just about to go down - and he needed to hear your voice before everything turns to shit and before he might… No. He couldn’t tell himself bullshit like that.

“Y/N Y/L/N at the phone, may I help you?” - You asked sweetly, smiling at Aiden who was just calling you a dumb frick because you accidentally did the laundry on a bad temperature, making everything have a bad color - all of his white t-shirts were pink now, thanks to you.

“Hey, baby, it’s me. I know I haven’t called you in the last few days, but I can explain everythin’.” - The known raspy voice told you from the other end of the line and you just grinned, walking into the next room, closing yourself in there.

“James Hopper! Do you even realize how fucking worried I was? Blablabla, I will call you every day, I swear, stop behaving like my mom, blablabla. Bullshit!” - You yelled on the whole room furiously, not giving him space to talk actually.

“Hope you aren’t in Hawkins.” - He said quietly and you could hear other voices in the background. This wasn’t the office mess, as you called it - he was not in the office.

“To your luck, I am still in Dakota. Give me those reasons and maybe, maybe I won’t kick your ass when I get home. But I get to know that something’s wrong with her… God help me, James.” - You hissed when Aiden stuck his damn face into your door and you shoved him back to the hall. That conversation was very private.

“I got too caught up in a case, but I’m fine now. Will is havin’ worse and worse PTSD episodes, so that was why I was off the phone too. And she… She’s doin’ fine, okay? We’re fine. Don’t be worried and stay in Dakota.” - Jim said tiredly and you exhaled out loud. Just as always, you overreacted. They were doing good without you and they were alive and well… Only if you’d know the truth.

“I’m sorry. I just jumped to conclusions too fast. Are you sure that you’re fine?” - You whispered, being relieved. Jim hummed into the phone. This was the last shot to tell you, after all.

“I’ve missed you here, you know? And I love you.” - Jim told you with his eyes shut closed. You closed your eyes as well, nodding even if he couldn’t see you.

“I know that, douchebag. And I love you too. I can’t wait to be back home.” - You said honestly, looking at the calendar on the wall. Only two more days to go and you would be home with them again.

“Need to go now. Keep your goddamn ass safe.” - He said silently and you laughed, telling him something nasty as well before hanging the phone.

In the end, everything played out - the Mind Flayer seemed to be gone, the gate was closed, everyone was alive - and Bob Newby, the superhero, was maybe gone, but not forgotten at all. Everything went seemingly back to normal before the due of your arrival came.

Now, Jim needed to accept the fact that Mike Wheeler and the whole child gang knew that Eleven was alive the whole time and that he couldn’t tear them apart anymore. He didn’t wish her to be locked at the cabin the whole time - but at the same time, the thoughts about Brenner were on the back of his head the whole time.

Just the evening before you were supposed to come, Hopper made every member of the child gang come to the cabin. He sucked with boys at Mike’s age, but there were safety steps that needed to be taken to keep you safe. That was how he interpreted it to them once they were done with fixing the cabin up. He told them that when you were around, Eleven hadn’t got any superpowers, there weren’t and Mind Flayers, Demogorgons, and Demodogs, there was no Upside Down, there was nothing.

He sure did know that he will need to make up some other silver lining for you, but the kids seemed to respond pretty good - and they were all thrilled that every once in a while, Hopper was agreeing with them seeing El at the cabin. Well, if you’d agree with that. And, naturally, there was the whole Snow Ball thing.

When you pulled off at the driveway, you could immediately tell that something had changed about the cabin. First things first, there was no tripwire around the estate. It looked almost polished - and the curtains weren’t drawn. In fact, you could see what’s going on inside.

And even more surprised you were, when you found out that the door was unlocked - and that even if Hopper was at work, Eleven wasn’t home alone at all. In fact, you could count six children sitting around the living room, learning some English with her.

“Oh my God.” - You whispered only once you saw them, immediately thinking about Hopper just being set off if he gets to know. But the kids only looked at you and as Eleven went for a hug, you were terrified of a boy who had a baseball cap on his curls.

“Eleven, baby, I’m really glad that you have friends, but Jim is going to flip out.” - You mumbled into the temple of her head when you hugged her back, watching the rest of the gang just… Existing in your cabin.

“He knows. I asked him and he told yes.” - Eleven told you a smile, taking another tuna sandwich out of the fridge, giving it to you. - “You have to be hungry. I made.” - She smiled and went back to sit next to the Wheeler boy again. Will was sitting in your damn couch next to a girl and the Sinclair boy as you were freaking out, sitting at the table, eating the sandwich.

“Yeah, sure, he will murder us both.” - You mumbled and stood up to catch the attention of the kids. - “Are you guys hungry? I was thinking about making some pancakes, how does that sound?” - You offered a tight voice and most of them were hesitant, but WIll smiled at them.

“Y/N is the best cook. I swear.” - He got up, putting the book down. - “Do you need any help?” - He smiled, pulling his sleeves up. Well, damn you, this was a nightmare and you didn’t want to wake up.

And like that, you made pancakes for the whole party, even pulling off some of Hopper’s triple extravaganza style with Hershey’s kisses and jellybeans. And when Hopper made it home, damn, wasn’t that a funny situation? You were staring at him, getting ready for his temper just going off and he was looking at every move you made, gulping, preparing himself for a long-ass class about being secretive and how having six teenagers isn’t fucking secretive at all.

“Um… Can we for a… Will you guys mind…?” - You spoke nervously to the kids and each of them just nodded smiling at you. You dragged Hopper out and made sure the door and the window is closed before you freaked out. - “Jim, I am sorry, but these kids somehow appeared at our cabin and I didn’t have the heart to tell them to frick off. Just don’t yell, please.”

“I don’t want to yell at you at all. I knew they planned to study here today, I just totally forgot to tell you.” - Jim answered, being as freaked out as you. You motioned on the cabin, raising your eyebrows.

“So you knew about them, okay. Okay? I just need to get my head together, Jesus. So, Eleven isn’t a secret anymore? She’s allowed to have friends now? I just want to know where we’re at these days because it fucking freaked me out to see not one kid, but six of them in my living room.” - You mumbled, leaning your back into the wall behind your back. - “Also, is it me, or does the cabin look… Different? Did you finally repaired the door?”

“More or less. She still can’t go to Hawkins, but… I couldn’t just look at her bein’ all alone in here. We have a lot to talk about, I know, I know, just… Be cool for now, yeah?” - Jim took your shoulder to his palm and held you for a long time, finally realizing you’re back there, with him, alive and well. You smiled and leaned into his touch, feeling safe as well.

“Hey, I’ve missed you there, have I told you that?” - You asked quietly, making sure that the kids can’t see you before you leaned to steal a kiss.

“Hold your damn horses, that’s my catchphrase, miss. But yeah, I know.” - Jim answered your typical answer and you laughed, listening to his heartbeat. So… Your baby wasn’t a secret anymore. She was allowed to see her friends, which was about to put you through the hell and back, especially before you knew that Steve Harrington had broken up with Nancy and he is their babysitter basically, but at that moment, you felt good.

“Also, these kids loved my damn pancakes, so I think I’m good with them.” - You giggled with less panic in your voice.

“And… I need to talk to you about somethin’.” - Hopper mumbled and that caught your attention again, so you rose your chin to look at him. - “We need to get El dress for Snow Ball and I don’t know how the hell are we gonna do that.”

#jim hopper imagine #jim hopper #jim hopper x reader #james jim hopper #stranger things hopper #hopper imagine #mike wheeler #mike wheeler stranger things #eleven stranger things #eleven ives #eleven hopper #jane ives #jane hopper #the child gang #oh shit #oh no #they have just summoned in your goddamn living room #joyce byers #will byers

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roswelldetails · 5 years ago

Text

RNM 2x08 - Say It Ain't So

EPISODE SUMMARY:

JAMIE CLAYTON GUEST STARS — Despite promising Liz (Jeanine Mason) that he’ll take things easy with his new heart, Max (Nathan Dean) sets out to find Cameron after learning that she’s gone missing. Michael (Michael Vlamis) grows concerned about Maria (Heather Hemmens) after a surprising discovery about her family history leaves her vulnerable. Elsewhere, ready to move on, Alex (Tyler Blackburn) goes on a date with Forrest (guest star Christian Antidormi), and Rosa (Amber Midthunder) makes a decision about her future. Rachel Raimist directed the episode written by Eva McKenna & Christopher Hollier (#208). Original airdate 5/4/2020.

DETAILS:

Rosa's secret identity:

"...Cousin Rosalinda from Arizona. My mom married a minor league baseball player, but when he got relocated to a team in Florida…"

"Okay, you know what, let's just go with, they're dead."

This is a Twilight reference.

Rosa about the Mean Girl's art in the cave:

"That reminds me of Stephen Powers before he sold out."

Stephen Powers is a former street artist who went commercial. Some examples of his older work here:

Other examples of his newer, more commercial work here:

By the way, speaking of the cave:

And this is some fabulous visual storytelling right here:

Max is working at the Wild Pony. Temporarily, of course.

"Turns out debt collectors don't care if you've been half dead in a glowing pod for a few months."

So much for the headcanon that Max "I've been driving the same car since high school and am a homeowner before 30" Evans is good with his money. 😆 Debt collectors don't show up that fast… not that I know from experience or anything. 😳 *backs slowly away*

Iris refers to the cave as the go to hang spot for all the artsy weirdos. So it isn't like it was specifically Rosa's cave/hidden spot.

It's the first time we've seen this particular cave other than in 2008 flashbacks.

Iris Sanchez & Rosa Ortecho. Flower, Mexican family name. 😭 The hint is there!

Also 👀 from:

The iris earned its name from the ancient Greek Goddess Iris, a messenger to the gods who was thought to use the rainbow as a bridge between heaven and earth...these flowers were named to honor the Rainbow Goddess and bring favor upon the earth.

Mimi made Maria take back the necklace.

"She said that it was too late for her and that I needed it more."

Michael has seen the necklace before, but he didn't know what the flower was when he fixed the clasp and returned it to her in 1x10. It was 1x11 when they learned of the existence of the anti alien pollen. Michael reminds us:

"I know this flower. Its pollen has a paralytic effect on alien abilities."

Once Maria takes it off, she can name every card Michael pulls from the deck.

Maria lists off a bunch of necklace facts from past episodes that fandom has previously noted...

Her powers were heightened when Michael had the necklace in 1x10.

She wasn't wearing it when Noah invaded her at the gala.

And she wasn't wearing it at Woman As Warrior in 2x02 when she sensed that Isobel was pregnant.

"Kyle said you aren't an alien."

Fact. Kyle did say that. It doesn't mean that it's a fact that Maria doesn't have alien DNA in her though.

Kyle determined that her blood doesn't carry the alien protein that's in the Pod Squad and Rosa. He is making an assumption that the protein is tied to being an alien.

He said he ran other tests, but the results would take longer to come in.

Also, just a personal theory, what else do Rosa and the Pod Squad (and Noah) all have in common? They all spent significant time marinating in a pod full of goo. Rosa (10 years), Pod Squad (at least 50 years), Noah (60 years). Kyle has not studied any samples of alien biology from an alien who didn't spend time in pod goo. It's possible the protein is related to the pod goo, moreso than the alien biology. Again, just speculation on my part.

Maria confirms that her mom started getting sick when she was 18, just after she passed the necklace on to Maria.

"If this prevents you from having more episodes, it probably stops the neurodegeneration process too. It's not kryptonite, Maria. This is preventative medicine. Keep it on."

In 2x06 it was established that in addition to Sanders' place being a junkyard and a mechanic/auto shop, they also do tow truck service. Now that comes into play again as Michael was hired to bring Cam's car back to Roswell for the investigation into her disappearance. He brought it to the junk yard first though to give Max and Liz an hour to check the car for clues before the sheriff's department comes to collect it.

Max is smart too, in his own way. He quickly identified that "Agent Powell" was driving a rental car and that her gun wasn't government issue.

However, it's only when he sees her tattoo (which Cam told him about in 1x07) that he confirms that she's actually Charlie Cameron!

(10 points to fandom!)

Max & Liz's conversation with Charlie is mostly just reminding us what we know about Charlie and Jenna's relationship.

Liz indicates that Jenna had been looking for Charlie for months. Charlie responds that she didn't want to be found (both things we learned in 2x04 through Cam's discussion with Jesse Manes.

Max indicates that Jenna thought that Charlie hated her, a call back to us first learning about Charlie and the matching tattoos in 1x07.

"I worked on a controversial project a while back. A lot of dangerous people want to know what I know."

(Again, stuff we learned in 2x04).

They learn through Cam's text history that she was looking for Jesse Manes (which we already knew, because...2x04).

"I'm just a guy standing in front of a tourist trap asking a history buff to shoot him with high velocity paint."

Tongue-in-cheek reference to the movie Notting Hill.

"So, you're cool playing war? Doesn't bring anything up?"

"Oh, yeah, my PTSD triggers are a little more complicated. Suffice to say, this war zone is the only place that my family actually got along when I was a kid."

"Yeah, some of my old platoon buddies actually play in leagues."

"I didn't know that you served."

"Yeah I wouldn't go bragging about it to a guy with a Purple Heart. I might have googled you."

New information… both that Forrest served, that he looked into Alex (which could be innocent OR sketchy…).

And of course this is the first open discussion about Alex's PTSD issues.

Cowboys versus aliens paintball… Alex is the cowboy, so Forrest must be the alien.

The call that interrupted Forrest's attempt to kiss Alex was from the hospital. Hence why Alex goes there to see Jesse.

"Look, if I had a little lucky charm that could stop people like Noah from messing with me, I would have that surgically implanted into my décolletage."

Have to admit, I wasn't sure what décolletage meant, so in case anyone else isn't familiar:

"These abilities are a part of me. I'm not gonna just throw away the chance to learn about who I am. That make sense to you?"

"Yeah, actually, it does."

"You've gotten stronger this year, right? Can you teach me to train? Learn how to control it all?"

"Look, it took a lot of practice before I could do anything without puking and guzzling acetone to kill the pain. And you can't practice, because according to Kyle, every time you do it eats your brain."

"Look, I'll stop before it goes that far, okay? I know the signs. Besides, if you help me, maybe I can help you. There must be something that you want to know about your future."

"What about my past?"

Max meeting with Jesse at the Crashdown. This is super interesting because it's the first time Max has sat down, face to face, with a hostile human who knows he's an alien.

"My uncle used to bring me here. That was back when it catered to a more civil clientele. People who actually respected the history of this town."

This is likely foreshadowing what's to come next week, based on the promo pics released.

Again, similar to the scene with Charlie at the junkyard, much of this exchange between Max and Jesse is just reminding us of stuff we learned in 1x04.

"The last time I saw her she came to me with questions about her sister. And I told her that the people most interested in Charlie's device were a black ops group based out of Los Alamos. They're called Deep Sky. This is their logo. Paramilitary. And I told Jenna that what she was getting into was gonna be dangerous. But apparently she didn't listen.

Note: in case any of you are unaware, in Los Alamos there's a US DOE lab that has a long, sketchy history of weapons development. Makes perfect since that it's where a paramilitary organization interested in Charlie's research would be based there.

The Deep Sky Logo

I compared this to a number of screenshots of alien symbols (like the ones we saw in Jim Valenti's letters in 1x12) and there were no matches.

However, fandom has already noted that the logo matches Trevor's ring in 2x06 (see that episode's details post for the photo).

"Charlie Cameron's mind is a unique specimen. Kind of like you. And there's always someone in the shadows waiting to crack those open."

"What did you do to Jenna?"

"I told her the truth. Which is more than you ever did. You're kind of a wolf in sheep's clothing, aren't you?"

"And what are you? Do you feel like a hero? All those people you tortured, all those people you killed. Turns out none of them were an enemy. They were refugees. So you're not just a murderer, you're a failure."

"Yeah, I know. I am. But I tell you, something shifted in my brain when I had the stroke. All the hate's gone out of me. All the fight. Caulfield is over and my son Flint has been reassigned. Look at me. I can barely walk."

Liz and Charlie in the car:

"Waitressing's really got to blow when you've grown a fully functioning heart muscle in a lab. Or are you not the same Elizabeth Ortecho who co-authored a 2013 paper on cellular reprogramming? Some people build model trains; I do my homework. Your boyfriend seems more like the train type."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"We've discovered new worlds and changed the course of mankind from a microscope. Should I go Netflix and chill with my boyfriend or stay in the lab, architecting the future?"

"No offense, but if it's true that you've been in prison and in hiding, it does not seem like you've seen much of the inside of a lab either."

"I went too far. I thought I was building something with real value. The thing is, anything that has the potential to create real change, it scares people. And anything that scares people is inherently dangerous no matter what your intention is."

"You could start over. Get a new identity, work at a research university."

"I've done extraordinary things. Everything ordinary is ruined now."

More exposition that we already know as Max catches Charlie and Liz up on what he learns from Jesse.

"He said Cam is headed to Los Alamos to investigate a group called Deep Sky. Does that mean anything to you?"

"No. Let me reach out to some of my military contacts, do some recon. Give me a day, we'll go from there."

Liz and Michael, in the lab, on The Science:

"I'm looking for the sample of yellow pollen."

"The stuff I swept off the floor after throwing it at Noah? I don't know. I didn't see it while we were packing up."

"Well it was here a few months back. Did I miss an experiment where it grew legs and a fondness for the outdoors?"

"Could have been accidentally thrown away. Sample was too oxidized to be of much use, and I've been trying to get my hands on fresh flowers, but it's impossible. I think they might be extinct. Why are you freaking out?"

"Because I have a math problem. There's only one flower in Maria's necklace, but there are two DeLuca women and apparently the flower is the key to preventing their illness. This is everything from the Caulfield drives and the experiments done on Maria's grandmother. A lot of it was lost in a lab fire in the '80s, but…"

"I'll take a look."

(Aside… 👀 Lab fire in the '80s. I have a feeling that's more foreshadowing.)

"I just want you to see if anything done could be undone. I don't want you to, like, Dr. Frankenstein it. The experiments were very bad."

"My days as an alien scientist are officially over."

"Why don't I believe you?"

"'Cause it's hard not to think about the far-reaching implications of this kind of research. You don't get sick on this planet. If I could figure out why, I could eradicate all illness."

"But you can't. Because that would expose us."

"Which I would obviously never do. It's over."

Arturo's text to Liz:

Have you seen our little mouse?

"Rosalinda" is late for her first shift.

Isobel and Maria go to Michael's trailer and Isobel shows Maria the newspaper clip of Michael's mom to try to trigger a vision.

"It's not working. And I don't feel great going through this stuff without Michael knowing."

"Why not? One day this palace might all be yours."

"It's not working. I have a business to run, and you need to go Instagram something."

"Says the social media revitalizer. Listen, word to the wise, every time Max saw Liz in a skirt and tried not to pop a bulb, he wound up setting off a fire alarm. Everytime I push myself too hard, I miss time, or wind up accidentally realizing that my mom still thinks about her ex-boyfriend Rocco, like, in vivid detail."

"Okay, where are you going with this?"

"Effort doesn't equal control. So if you want to do this you're gonna have to embrace your inner ice queen and let it go."

"I'm not great at letting things go."

"Yeah, I know. That's hard…"

Maria's vision:

Triggered by a t-shirt hanging in the trailer.

Louise is hanging laundry

Walt runs up to her and gives her a little windmill with her name on it. (Initially I thought her name was pressed or punched into the metal, but on second viewing, it looks like it might be puff paint or something similar.)

Walt runs off to find Nora and Louise goes back to hanging laundry.

After the vision Maria's nose starts bleeding.

Max goes after Charlie to stop her from turning herself in.

I wonder if his tire screeching action guy driving is supposed to be emphasizing to the audience that he's not being as cautious as he should be?

Deep Sky said that if Charlie "...wasn't at Sutter's grain depot by 11pm, that they would torture (Cam) to death."

Charlie heard on the call:

A train rolling by

A demonic laugh

And somehow that's enough for Max to magically know exactly where Cam is.

Alex and Jesse at the hospital:

"Hey, they said that you mixed whiskey with your medications. That's not like you."

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"I don't know. I mean, you're my father. I can't seem to shake you."

"Yeah. I failed."

"Yes. But in what way specifically?"

"Uncle Tripp. I let him down. I never could figure out what he needed of me. And tonight I went to the bunker. And I keep trying to crack the code."

"Liz said that you spoke to Max Evans. She said that you were half decent to him. Is that what this is about?"

"One of them killed Tripp, you know."

"An alien? Yeah. Then he hunted them. He dragged them to a torture chamber. I'm not surprised one of them…"

Jesse slams his cane.

"He was the best man I ever knew.

Jesse tries to stand and falls into Alex, then continues to walk away.

The location that Deep Sky is holding Cam looks like a rodeo or horse arena or racetrack with a big grandstand.

There are nearby train tracks, and a warehouse where a mechanic repairs old carnival rides.

As Max and Charlie are scoping out the area you can hear both sounds softly in the background.

The sniper was watching and shooting at them from the grandstand.

Charlie is shot in the leg.

"Let me go get her."

"No. Deep Sky wants me alive. Your brain is worth considerably less to them which means it'll be splattered all over the dirt."

(Oh the irony...confirming that Charlie doesn't know that Max is an alien.)

"If anything goes wrong, call Liz. No doctors."

Max does shoot the sniper!

And then uses his powers to knock out the power (and instantly feeling it in his heart when he starts to use his powers!!!!!!) which, as @angsty-aliens very eloquently pointed out, is absurd because there was a big red lever that would have done the same thing. *facepalm*

Cam on her kidnapping:

"The last thing I remember is this weird sound. It made the hairs on my arm stand up. And this bright light, and the pain in the back of my neck like you wouldn't believe."

Cam's burn is fractals. Like Liz's burn from Max's powers in 1x03. Top is Liz's fresh burn in 1x03, bottom is Cam's not-so-fresh burn in 2x08. Keep in mind, we don't know how long Cam was missing for.

Rosa and Iris at the "art show".

"So you said you're from Roswell?"

"Oh, I was from Roswell. I got out and went to art school as soon as I graduated. I work for an artist now. I help her run her gallery. Yeah, I used to want to be a painter, but then I realized I loved curating art way more than I ever loved making it."

👀 I wonder what this says about Rosa's internal motivation. If Iris is the life she wishes that she had, does she not want to be a painter? Or is that her internal insecurity rearing its head. Like, she can't even dream about that possibility because it's what she really wants above all else. Which is why Iris then motivates her to paint and prove to her inner self that she is an artist?

Speaking of which, here's Rosa's painting from the episode. Mucho gracias to @rosaortecho for giffing it for me since it wasn't cap-able in a single shot.

Iris's assessment of Rosa's art:

"This piece is you outrunning your demons. This is amazing. That's what you have to do. You have to capture them and rattle the cage. This is art. This is what you're meant to do, Rosa!"

Rosa's hallucination starts to fall apart as they dance. She starts coughing and having trouble breathing.

"Your star sign's just out of whack."

Play on lyrics from God of Wine by Third Eye Blind, which was heavily referenced in 1x02.

The direct quote is "your star sign's out of whack" and the next lyric is "a fraudulent zodiac"

Which, of course, is what Rosa had written on her hand before she died in 2008 and is a reference to Ophiuchus, which was Noah's zodiac obsession.

And then Liz finds her overdosing in the cave.

The coughing in Rosa's hallucination was from smoke inhalation. Because while passed out she started a fire with her powers.

Feels like a good time to point out that it's the same cave that she died in back in 2008, and she would have died there again if Liz hadn't found her. 😭

At the hospital Rosa tells Liz that she wants to go to rehab, but she knows she can't since she can't control her powers.

Liz gives her Maria's necklace to borrow since it will suppress her powers and allow her to go to rehab.

Alex and Forrest at the Wild Pony:

"I still have my dad's voice in my head telling me that being seen with a man in public is an embarrassment. To my name and my uniform."

"Well, there's nothing like a dad voice to mess up a perfectly good date."

"It's also just that...I mean, Roswell's so conservative. This bar is filled with cowboys. If you want to go someplace private…"

"Look, I like you. But I don't want to climb into somebody else's closet."

"I cannot tell you how badly I want to be done with this frickin' closet."

"But you're not. And that's okay. Really. Listen, if that voice in your head ever shuts up, give me a call. Because between you and me, making out with a hot guy in public is only made hotter when it pisses off all the bigots and homophobes."

Charlie took off and left a note for Jenna. According to Jenna it says she's gonna disappear again and not to look for her.

Arturo is taking Rosa to a rehab center that Kyle set her up with "a few hours away".

Max tells Liz "let's go home." So… did she move in with him??

Liz says no though. She says she has to open the diner and cry alone. But instead she goes to the secret lab.

Both Max and Liz were evading the truth a little bit here. Liz didn't tell Max that she wanted to go to the secret lab. Max didn't tell Liz that his heart did wonk out after using his powers and he did overdo it going after Cam. Bad Echo!!

Liz goes back to packing the secret lab up initially, but then her eyes fall into the Caulfield folders, and she stops.

She unpacks her stolen equipment (genetic sequencer?), puts on her lab coat, and sits down to start reading the file.

Isobel brings Michael beer as a peace offering, since she's coming to admit that she helped Maria trigger a vision. She thinks Michael will be mad, but he isn't because he and Maria already worked it out.

So Isobel tells him about the vision and seeing Louise, and specifically about Walt giving Louise the windmill.

Michael immediately reacts, goes to a shelf, and grabs a similar windmill.

Turns out Walt is Sanders. He pulls up in his car and Michael immediately confronts Sanders.

"It was you. You're Walt. You're the little boy in the photo. You knew my mother."

And Sanders nods.

10 more points to fandom.

Max goes to Charlie's hotel to confront her about turning herself in to Deep Sky.

The windmill in both scenes. Until I put this together I didn't think they were the same one (because Louise's name isn't on Michael's. But other details (like the word weight on one of the legs) are the same.

"You think Deep Sky needs to have Jenna by the throat to kill her? Okay, the only way that I can protect her is from the inside."

Then the "abduction scene" happens.

It mirrors what happened to Jenna in 2x04, only to Max and Charlie.

MUSIC:

1. Hole "Celebrity Skin"

2. Lukas Nelson & Promise Of The Real "Die Alone"

3. Shelly Fairchild "Worry No More"

4. Marc Danzeisen "Some Things Last Forever"

5. Joey Sykes "Sign Of The Times"

6. I AM ORFA "Like That Look"

7. Danny Ayer "Set Us Free"

8. Hamish Anderson "Trouble"

9. OMC "How Bizarre"

10. Muscadine Bloodline "Movin' On"

11. Little May "Hide"

#roswell new mexico #details #rnm season 2 #episode details #long post #rnm 208 #say it ain't so

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avelera · 5 years ago

Note

Well...I do have an angst idea for Newmann. It's really great that the precursors are gone now and the world is safe and he's working to get his life back and he's very happy about that! But somehow after ten years with the collective, even though it was horrible, Newt's finding himself lonely in his own head.

OK so it’s like…. waaaaaay less angsty than I think you meant but I just couldn’t do it without there being some kind of positive ending. That said, THANK YOU for such a fascinating prompt!

–

Newt snuffled awake at a hand on his shoulder, and only then realized he hadn’t really been “asleep”, just sitting on the couch, staring at a black television screen. Again. Dammit.

“Newton?” Hermann’s voice was soft, concerned. Which, double-dammit, meant he’d figured out what was going.

Newt was usually better at hiding the episodes. By his calculation, Hermann had only caught a few of them over the last year. There’d been over five times that number. At least once a month he’d catch himself doing it again, and when he felt the vagueness coming on, the sort of blankess combined with a nameless swell of dread in the pit of his stomach he tried to go somewhere a little more plausibly deniable than sitting up on the goddamn couch. Like the bed, lying on his back with his eyes closed like he’d gone for a midday nap, or hunched over at his desk staring at some random email without seeing it.

This episode had caught him by surprise.

“Hey, sorry bud, did you say something?” Newt said. His voice was muzzy and he dragged his hands over his face to try to add the whole charade, make it look like he’d fallen asleep. Sitting up. With his eyes open.

Hermann grimaced and Newt didn’t need to hear what he was thinking to recognize that tight expression of exasperation mixed with fear for him. But god, it would have been amazing to hear what Hermann was thinking just then.

Because that was the problem: the silence in his head.

“Dare I ask this time what is going on, or am I going to need to stumble upon you frothing at the mouth from a stroke or, heaven forbid, frozen in the middle of traffic before you finally talk to me?” Hermann said and there’s was a grate of irritation in his voice. The hand on Newt’s shoulder tightening compulsively.

“Can I get a raincheck on that one?” Newt quipped, or tried to, if only his voice hadn’t cracked mid-word.

“Newton.”

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Newt huffed and threw his hands in the air.

“If not me then a therapist then!”

“I don’t…” Newt snarled to himself and twisted to look up at Hermann. “I mean…” He gestured towards the air. “I don’t want to talk…about it. Do you get it? I don’t… I’m so fucking sick of talking to you!”

“Well, that would be a first,” Hermann said dryly. He didn’t even look hurt. Fuck. Maybe Newt should given Hermann credit for having a thicker skin than him. Hermann only raised an eyebrow. It was infuriating. And just like that, Newt could feel the words building up behind his teeth just breaking free, which was probably exactly what Hermann intended, the bastard.

“I never had to talk to them! They were just in my head,” Newt exploded. “And you, you were in my head, and then you weren’t and I… what’s the point of talking, huh? It’s so fucking messy and imprecise and fucking… unscientific. We can do so much better than talking, we’ve got the Drift! Just fucking… download this shit into our heads, no more peer review, no more meetings, nor more fucking small talk. We’ve got the technology, why the fuck are we all still stuck in our own heads, why are we still in the goddamn dark ages with all this silence?”

Hermann’s lips thinned and he contemplated this. Newt found himself leaning forward, hungrily, despite himself. No one got it, no one understood what it was like after the Precursors, but at least sometimes Hermann would surprise him with some little gem, some insight that cut right through the tangle of bullshit and PTSD and fear when Newt got too wrapped up inside his own head.

“Did you know…” Hermann began, and paused as if considering his words, “… that you sometimes slip into an Eaton accent when you’re complaining?”

“What?” Newt gaped and barked a laugh despite himself. “The fuck does that have to do with anything? And fuck you, I’m not complaining!” Hermann’s other eyebrow rose. “I’m not!”

Hermann held the look for a moment, then sighed and took the seat on the couch beside Newt, and placed his hand as if unconsciously on Newt’s knee. “It has to do with the fact there’s still remnants of our Drift that are still there, even after all these years. I myself am still hopelessly stuck drinking that disgusting black coffee that was your preference, even now that you’ve switched to tea.”

Newt grimaced and looked away, ignoring the little swell of warmth in his chest at the thought that he carried those bits of Hermann around with him still, like mementos, and that bits of him were irritating Hermann to this day. But it wasn’t enough. “Yeah, well…”

“Do you miss them?”

There was no clarification needed on them. The Precursors. The assholes who had kept him a prisoner inside his own head for ten fucking years. “No!” Newt spat. Then hesitated. “Yes. Maybe? Fuck I…” He wiped a hand over his eyes, was a little surprised they weren’t damp. He’d always cried easily. Huh. Maybe that alone was progress, that he didn’t fall apart into a sobbing mess anymore when shit got real and they came up.

“It’s just so fucking quiet, y’know? Sometimes I just… I can’t believe they’re not there, telling me what to do next. And I… I don’t know what to do. Simple shit like go take a shower, shine your shoes, eat something…I got so used to them telling me and… and if I did something they didn’t like it… it got bad, ok? I’m not gonna elaborate, you don’t need to know that shit, but sometimes it was just safer to wait until they told me to do something. And sometimes, now… when it’s quiet and I’m just, fuck, just going about my day it’ll just get quieter and quieter and this… this fear just comes out of nowhere, y’know? Like, ‘did they tell me to do something? Did I forget?’ And there’s just this… this fucking dread like, fuck, I need to time out for a second, just sit here until they tell me what to…what to do.” His jaw clenched and he stole a look at Hermann, terrified he might see that sorrow again, or worse, pity. But Hermann’s face was blank. It was his ‘reading’ face when he was just sitting there, taking information in, digesting it. And try as he might, Newt couldn’t see beyond it.

Somehow, that just made it worse.

“You know, Drifting has come a long way since the first war,” Hermann said conversationally and Newt blinked at the apparent non-sequiter as Hermann continued. “In no small part thanks to your innovation. Drifting with the Kaiju fetus, followed by your paper on the subject, allowed enormous leaps in the field. Why should humans be limited to Drifting with only maximum compatibility, when one of our numbers was able to establish contact with an entirely alien species? I confess with you… off, in the private sector, I took it on as something of a side project. The pursuit of lowering the barrier of compatibility necessary between two pilots.”

“Man, the romance novelists must have been so fucking pissed at you after that one,” Newt croaked. The Drift Romance genre was its own goddamn shelf these days.

Hermann smiled thinly. “What I mean is, if you would like to Drift again, perhaps with… with someone else,” and here for the first time, Hermann’s voice faltered, “there… there would be no reason to fear repercussions to your health.”

Newt snorted. “Yeah, right. Who the fuck is going to want to Drift with me? You’d get like… like brain rabies or something, you’d have to be crazy…” He trailed off. There’d been something there, a flicker of desolation on Hermann’s face, quickly swallowed by that mask of good humor. “Unless...do you want to Drift again? ‘Cause that would be nuts man, like literally an insane thing for you to want to do.”

Hermann’s hand tightened on his knee. “God, yes,” Hermann breathed, then caught himself, and looked stricken. “I… that is, I don’t imagine it’s an experience you’re eager to repeat, so I haven’t asked, but it’s really very unusual for.. for Drift partners to only go about it the once. There are negative effects, indeed, I thought for some time that the nightmares were a product, and…”

Newt’s breath left him in a rush and a bunch of thoughts in his head rearranged themselves like free-moving Tetris blocks as Hermann’s nerdy eagerness shivered through that good nurse routine he’d learned to slip into ever since he brought Newt home. Hermann wanted to Drift with him. Hermann wasn’t afraid, like any normal person would be, that some trace of the Precursors was waiting in Newt’s head like a dormant computer virus. Hermann wanted to jump back into the deep end of Newt’s brain and it wasn’t just Newt uselessly, hopelessly pining after those swirls of blue and numbers and shitty childhood loneliness and prissy self importance mixed with aching insecurity that was the inside of Hermann’s head. Pining that sometimes hit him so hard it made him miss, just a little bit, the rush of Alice. Of just not being alone in the silence anymore.

“I still have the blueprints somewhere,” Newt said slowly. “I could probably build another Pons without breaking too many international laws.”

Hermann startled. “Build one? My dear, do you honestly tune out entirely when I talk about my work? I have at least three models sitting idle at the university lab.”

Newt’s eyes widened. “Field trip?” he said, and the devilish grin that spread across Hermann’s face was all the answer he needed.

#newmann #pacific rim #newton geiszler #hermann gottlieb #my writing #Anonymous

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str-spangled-banner · 6 years ago

Text

After War — Bucky x OC

MASTERLIST — ASK/REQUEST — FAQs

Summary: Ellie goes to the group therapy sessions Sam still holds whenever he finds time in between Avengers-business. Suffering from PTSD, she struggles to build a post-war life for herself as she can’t trust her brain to not mistake friend for foe. It’s at those sessions she meets Bucky who seems just as damaged by the past as she is.

Words: 3 272

Warnings: PTSD, talk of war, delusional episode

A/N: I... Ehm... I haven’t been on this blog for a year...soooo.... hyello. This is a super old thing I said I was gonna write in this post, and I guess better late than never? Right???

"My body is here, at home, but I still feel as if my mind is over there. I still feel as if I'm breathing in the dust underneath the burning sun, having to hold innocent at gunpoint because you have to determine everyone as the enemy. Sometimes it feels like if I reach over my shoulder, I'll feel the rifle right there, just waiting to be used..."

"Your mind is there." Sam agreed, attempting to gain eye contact with the young veteran who couldn't be much older than her, if not the same age. "Your mind is still at war, and it's your job to bring it peace. It is amazing that you can acknowledge the fact that you are not at war, Lawrence, because not all people can. Acknowledging your struggles is a far bigger step on the road to recovery than you can imagine. Being man enough to admit your own weaknesses is your first and greatest step..."

Sam's eyes scanned over everyone and stopped at her. "And being woman enough, of course." He added, causing a few of the other veterans to look her way. "What's your name?"

"Eleanor Conway, but I'd prefer Ellie, sir."

"How many tours?"

"I was First Sergeant in the Air Force, sir. Tours was not something I really did. I flew CSAR op's for three years before moving to Special Operations for my last two years of service."

"Combat search and rescue and special operations? That's some heavy weights you had to lift." Sam kept looking at her, trying to figure out what kind of a person she was. It was her first time in the meeting. He had received her order from court a week prior, giving her the option to either attend his group meetings or spend four months in jail, and that if she was to not show every Thursday night it was Sam's duty to report so.

From what the court order stated, Ellie had been approached by a police officer after she had been idle in her car at a traffic light for over ten minutes. When the officer had knocked on her window, she had tackled him to the ground by throwing the car door open, launched out of her car and on top of him, restraining his arms, only to fly off of him after a few seconds and apologize frantically. Sam didn't need to know much more than that to know that Ellie was yet another victim of post dramatic stress.

He never judged those who came in to the VA office for his sessions, but still he would never have thought she had been such a high rank in the Air Force, and even more surprised was he that she had been doing rescue missions, and special operations on top of that. Those were far from the easy services that the Air Force and the military provided. It would have been strange if anyone made it through all of that without at least a single scar, both physical and not.

"It was, but it's over now." She kept things short and cold, expressing her emotions being something strange and unpleasant in her world. Feelings makes you vulnerable, and vulnerability is not something you can afford when at war, that is something Ellie learned on her first day in the army, and it refuses to leave her mind no matter how much she tries to distance herself from her army days. That fear of being vulnerable latched onto her like a leech, even as war was in her rearview mirror.

"Do you still feel like your mind is at war?" Sam wondered, referring to the previous veteran who had spoken to the group about his struggles.

"No. I'm here." She assured, almost sounding defensive. Sam kept looking at her, trying to think of something to keep the conversation going, but it was clear to him that she wasn't very comfortable with being open, and he just so happened to catch a glimpse of the watch at his wrist after noticing that.

"Alright, that's about enough talking for one day, I'd say. Now, as you all know we work as a team around here, and so what we do is I will give you guys the next half hour to mingle around and find a partner. Why we do this is because it helps us to build a relationship with someone without having to explain or feel embarrassed about our past to them. It's good if you exchange numbers. If you’re having a rough day then maybe you could call your partner and just grab a beer at a local bar or something. It’s little things like that which will help you in the long run, perhaps especially a beer and watching the game on a flat screen." Sam smiled, earning a few laughs from around the room. "You make the rules. Either you want to let your partner into your life or you don't, and whatever path you choose is alright, but each week I'd like you to spend at least fifteen minutes talking to your partner and see how yore both doing, alright? Okay then, let's go. The coffee is going cold."

People began to rise from their seat, heading toward the table with coffee and some water. Ellie remained seated, looking over at the veterans who so easily began to talk amongst one another. They felt comfortable with their own kind, and even though they had never spoken to one another before, they all shared their military past, and somehow that seemed to be enough for them. She didn't recognize the same sense of familiarity. She had worked with others a lot in the Air Force, but when she was flying, she was alone in that plane.

Ellie turned to look down at her hands, but as her eyes moved across the circle of abandoned chairs, she noticed that one wasn't abandoned at all. About five seats to her left sat a man that she hadn't been able to see during the session. His hair was long and dark brown and tied into a knot underneath the rim of his baseball cap. He had his hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket, and as she looked at him, he noticed her movement and looked over at her only to create eye contact.

Her eyes moved away lazily, not caring that the man clearly had caught her looking at him. She simply sunk down in her seat and let her head fall back, eyes glued to the ceiling. It didn't take long for her to hear the sound of a chair shrieking against the floor to her left and footsteps approaching. The man she had looked at for just a moment sat down in the chair next to her, eyes looking across the room whilst hers were still just looking up.

"I'm Bu-"

"Not interested in having a partner, or whatever." She interrupted him. "Find someone else."

"Who the hell says I want you as a partner?" The man questioned, causing Ellie to raise her head slightly and look at the guy who had no issue with being bold, it seemed.

"What do you want then?" She asked in confusion, not in a rude tone, but not in a particularly friendly one either.

"Well, I was about to introduce myself when some a-hole cut me off." He explained in a cold tone, looking rather annoyed by her dismissiveness. They both maintained eye contact, not saying anything for a few moments, before Ellie eventually reached her hand out towards him.

"Ellie, but you probably knew that already."

"Bucky." He took her hand and shook it when suddenly she noticed that his left hand was being concealed by a black glove. She could only assume he was covering a military injury, just like so many others do after they've served and just like a couple of others in the room. "I'd say it's nice to meet you, but I can't tell at the moment."

"Wow... I see how it is." Ellie pulled her hand back, tightened her lips and looked ahead of her instead of at him. The corner of his mouth quirked up as he could tell she understood the humor to his words. "It's cool. You don't need to like me."

"Oh if we're talking about liking you, then the answer is a definite no."

"Alright, ha ha... I get it, I was an ass for wanting you to leave me alone. Anything else?" She rolled her eyes back to him.

"We should exchange numbers." He changed the subject, taking her slightly by surprise. "And no, I'm not saying that because you're the only girl in here. I'm saying it because I know Sam better than anyone else here and I know he'll never leave me alone if I don't get one of these partners, nor you, for that matter."

"So we're forced to give our number out and socialize at this place?" She asked, one eyebrow raised questioningly.

"No, but you'll have Sam begging you to do it every time you come here, which is twice a week last time I checked." Bucky placed his elbow on the back of his chair and laid his right leg over his left one leisurely.

"That does sound annoying, I'll admit." She confessed before looking over to Sam who stood against a wall in the room to get an overlook of everyone. He seemed to look towards the door in the moment, but Ellie could tell he was watching her and Bucky in the corner of his eye.

"Alright, give me your number." Ellie pulled her phone out from her pocket, unlocking it and opening up the contacts before handing it to Bucky.

"Really?" Bucky furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"You wanna suggest something and then question me when I agree to it?" She waved the phone in his face until he grabbed it. He wrote his number down and named himself before handing it back to her.

"I left my phone at home so if you could just write your number down..." His words faded out as he noticed the strange look she was giving him. "What? You're not gonna give me your number?"

"I have yours. That's more than enough." She shoved the phone back into her pocket, crossing her arms afterwards and leaning back into her seat.

Bucky had just been about to give a witty comment. Across the room, Sam had just been thanked by the veteran who had shared his story before Ellie. By the table of coffee, two men had just realized they both came from the same, small, town in the midwest. It was in that moment that a veteran across the busy room — military jacket clad in pins and medallions — moved underneath one of the ceiling lights. The lamp shone down onto one of his pins and the shiny surface reflected the light from above, flashing across Ellie's eyes.

Her mind stoped. Her entire body froze. It was as if this giant, complex, assembly, of cogs and wheels had been spinning perfectly when someone abruptly jammed a metal rod in the middle of it, causing the entire mechanism to jolt to a stop, jerking viciously as it was trying to spin but couldn't.

Ellie flew back with a vicious cry, the folding chair beneath her being kicked to the side. Her hands were up ahead of her as if she was holding a rifle and she aimed for the veteran with pins across his chest and arms. The chair she had kicked away then lost balance from the sudden move and folded together only to slam against the floor with a loud bang. She let out another panicked grunt and aimed at the ground where the still piece of furniture laid before aiming back to the veteran.

"Sniper... Sniper..." She repeated the words to herself over and over. Her hair hung messily over her face and only one eye was peaking out, her head leaning against her arm as if looking through the scope of the rifle she knew to be holding. In her mind, it wasn't imaginary. She could feel the weapon in her hand. She could feel the coolness of the metal trigger against the pad of her right index. The room wasn't a room anymore but it was the desert, and in the distance there was mountains. In a small crevasse in the midst of the orange rocks there was the reflection of a sniper rifle scope, and she had her eyes locked on the enemy.

"Out." Sam called, eyes open wide and locked onto Ellie. As no one moved, he turned his attention to the twenty people still in the room. "I said get out."

People started to hurry for the doors. The only one that didn't seem to be in a rush was Bucky, who still sat in the chair that had been right next to hers. He looked at Ellie with parted lips and an empty stare as her head snapped from side to side as she paranoiacally saw more and more threats around her. His eyes moved to Sam for a moment who was just pushing out the last people through the door.

"Barnes..." Sam said after spotting Bucky still seated only a few feet away from Ellie, nudging his head towards to doors he stood by, hoping Bucky would get the hint and leave with the others.

"What's happening to her?" Bucky asked, eyes still on Ellie, or whatever was left of her with them since her mind was clearly elsewhere.

"PTSD..." Sam sighed, walking quickly cross the room to retrieve his phone. He knew it said nothing in the court order or the emails he had gotten associated to Ellie's case about how to deal with her episodes, but even though he knew that he wanted to double check.

"No, this is something else..." Bucky disagreed. He knew PTSD, and whatever Ellie was going through was not that.

"She's only here because she goes to jail otherwise." Sam said in a stressed tone, knowing he probably shouldn't share the information with Bucky. "She attacked a police officer during one of her episodes and either she comes here to try and get better or she goes to jail."

"What is she doing?" Bucky rose from his seat, taking a few steps back to give Ellie some room.

"The damn girl has spent five years assigned to amongst the most dangerous fields within the military and she's not even twenty five years old. I think you can imagine a couple of things that might have traumatized her." Sam spat back, almost a little annoyed by how ignorant Bucky seemed, even if that wasn't the case.

"Ellie?" Sam gave up on the emails he had received about her and instead walked up to her slowly, watching her every move to see her reaction. Her head snapped to him, the lines seen through her scope crossing one another in the center of Sam's head. Although there was no weapon and Ellie was the only one who could see it, even Sam could tell that her aim was impeccable. "Eleanor?"

She was still just mumbling the word "sniper" on an endless loop, eyes glazed over as she was looking at something completely different than what both Bucky and Sam were.

"Ellie? Can you hear me?" Sam kept trying to get some sort of contact, but she was so lost in her mind she couldn't even hear him. Bucky was quiet and simply observing the situation before him. He did try and imagine what Ellie had been through, and none of it was pleasant. He had never heard of someone so young being such a high rank and doing such serious missions, and it threw him off a little. When he looked at her it was as if his brain couldn't puzzle her and her military background together. She just looked like a normal girl.

"Ellie you need to calm down, okay? You're in the VA office, back home. You're not in the military right now." Sam continued his efforts in vain. She couldn’t hear him. She wasn’t even in the same country as him in her head. She was alone. Over intercom she heard her commanding officer every now and then, and in the distance there was the enemy, but other than that she was on her own.

“Target in sight, awaiting orders.” Ellie continued to mumble. Sam had struggled to catch what she had said, but Bucky had picked up on her radio message that she believed she was sending her officer. It gave him an idea, one that he didn’t run by Sam before testing.

“Abort. For Sergeant Conway, I repeat, abort. Target misidentified. That’s one of ours, Sergeant. Stand down. Over.” Bucky spoke with a sternness in his tone and his eyes remained locked on Ellie the entire time. Sam glanced between Bucky and Ellie, both surprised by Bucky’s initiative but also impressed by his clever idea, even if he’d never admit that to him.

“Sergeant Conway reporting. Copy that, standing...” Ellie began to blink quickly and her eyes slowly lost that emptiness in them that they’d just had. “Standing down... I...”

“Ellie?” Sam tried again, his voice low and soft as not to startle her in any way. “Are you alright?”

“I’m...” She felt light headed. She felt really light headed. Her vision was blurry and the room seemed to fade between the actual room in the VA office and the desert, patches of the scorching mountains blotting her field of vision before they slowly began to grow dark and blank. The now black patches continued to expand and covered more and more of the room before her until finally, her eyes rolled to the back of her head and her body seemed to have been turned off by a switch.

“Oh shit-“ Sam dashed forward to catch her limp body but it was Bucky who just barely managed to catch her in time before she would have crumbled helplessly to the ground. He quickly laid her on the floor and backed away, not comfortable being so close.

“I’m calling 911.” Sam sighed as he felt the worry slowly subside, even if it was still very much present. With her passed out, at least she didn’t have to suffer through the pain of embarrassment he knew she undoubtedly would have when she realized they had witnessed an entire episode of hers.

She remained unconscious for the twenty minutes it took the ambulance to arrive, and she had yet to awake when the paramedics loaded her into the back and shut the doors behind them before driving her to the hospital. Sam and Bucky remained standing in silence on the steps leading up the the entrance of the office after they’d taken her away, neither of them knowing what to say after the whole ordeal. Eventually, Sam admitted to how tired he was and that he just wanted to go home. He told Bucky to take care before they parted ways. Sam got into his car and drove off whilst Bucky decided to walk to his tiny apartment. It was a thirty minute walk, but he felt like he needed it. Seeing Ellie like that had somehow rattled him up a bit and an uneasy feeling nestled in the back of his mind.

Her mind and actions were not her own after the war she’d been fighting—a situation he found all too familiar for his liking. Perhaps they weren’t as different as he had first thought, him and Ellie?

So, as “usual” (can I still say that after having been away for over a year?) I love hearing what you think, so please do share your thoughts!

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loxxxlay · 6 years ago

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This was originally gonna be a self-pitying post, but it turned into a very detailed account of my experience whoops (tw noncon/rape), so please don’t hit read more unless you can handle it.

This is one of those times when it gets really rough for me. :(

I’ve told many people about the details that happened when I was raped, so I don’t have much trouble talking about it (or a need to talk about it) anymore. but in times like these when I’m seeing other brave women come forward (I’m so proud of all of you <3 You are an inspiration), my story suddenly feels inadequate and lesser. I know this is flawed thinking logically, but emotionally, I feel like a liar. Because I wasn’t held down. I didn’t scream. I could have left.

I was 17, he was in his late 20′s, and I was scared.

The previous night me and my friend had been sleeping on either side of him and that was when he started fingering me. I was shocked. I instantly felt so ashamed. My best friend at the time was in the room asleep, and I thought that if I made a scene that she would wake up. I don’t know why the idea of her waking up terrified me, but it did. So I pretended to enjoy it. Out of everything, the fact that I pretended to like it is what I’m least proud of. This is what injures me about the experience the most. This is what convinced me it wasn’t a true sexual assault for almost a decade.

I remember vividly taking a shower afterwards. As I left, he had asked me “can I join?” and I had said no. And as I stood in the bathroom, I had a terrifying thought that he wouldn’t take no for an answer. For the first time in my entire life, I locked the bathroom door. I didn’t stop locking it for 3 years.

The next morning, I stayed home from school “sick,” and my mom insisted that i go entertain my “guest.” (She didn’t know what had happened obviously.)

When I went down to say hello (planning to quickly leave), he asked me to stay, and I knew what he wanted. I tried to say I didn’t want to stay. He kept pressuring me. I gave in.

It wasn’t violent. To any onlooker who didn’t see my first two “no”s, it would have looked entirely consensual, despite our age differences. He didn’t fully penetrate me, bc after he tried to for a couple minutes, he saw that I was in pain almost to the point of tears. So instead, he pressured me into giving him a pseudo-blowjob (which became mostly a handjob) instead. The taste of his semen to this day gives me a terrible nausea and causes me to be extremely sex-repulsed. Even when I just want to masturbate, it makes me disgusted. And it’s so easy to get that taste. By making this post, I will probably feel the taste of his cum later tonight. It destroys me every time.

But I didn’t say no, I didn’t fight, I could have got up and walked out and left, and I might have even given an affirmative out of fear&guilt-tripping. I don’t remember. Even the night before, I could have told him to stop. I could have risked waking up my friend.

But I didn’t.

The whole rest of the day, he kissed me and touched me while we watched movies together, and i was just waiting for him to have to leave (he had a flight or something to catch, and that’s what I kept reminding myself that day).

I vividly remember having to wear a scarf for the next two weeks at school because he had left hickies all over my neck. (Hickies are a trigger of mine now. I don’t say this often, but I don’t even like to read about them.) When I thought the hickies were healed enough to be unnoticeable, I stopped wearing a scarf, and I remember the disgust in my friends’ eyes when they noticed them. (I had told them that I had had “somewhat willing” sex with him.) I remember being unable to wear the shorts I had been wearing, even though they were my favorite shorts. One time, when I tried and was clearly uncomfortable, my friend asked me “ are those the shorts you were wearing” and when I said yes, she looked disgusted at me again.

(Note: I don’t blame my friends. We were high schoolers. None of us knew. They are extremely supportive now and advocate for me.)

Honestly those vivid memories I have of the time afterwards became more traumatic than the event itself.

I never had extreme episodes or been diagnosed with ptsd or anything like that. Instead I developed an abusive anger. I did some terrible things that I don’t want to talk about right now. Also I became provocative; I played World of Warcraft and sent nudes to people three times my age. This was not me. This is what he made me. Otherwise, the only thing that really was hard was that his name used to fuck me over whenever I heard it. (His name was Steve.)

But that was all.

It could have been worse, and I could’ve handled it worse.

And because of that, I feel so insecure calling myself a survivor and using the word rape for what happened to me (maybe more on why I use that word some other time, bc I know there’s controversy about it). When I see other stories, I feel like I’m just fooling myself. (And again, they are inspiring at the same time, and this is only a me problem; I’m hugely supportive of people sharing their stories.)

And idk what my point is. I’m just very fragile right now and I wanted to have a moment of honesty to ease my guilt/shame, I guess.

(I’m probably gonna reblog this tomorrow, because it feels like such a waste to write it all up now at such a dead hour when I’ve wanted to make a post about it at a peak hour for months now.)

(Also again, I doubt anyone will bc it’s so personal and off-topic, but you’re allowed to reblog this for whatever reason. I don’t mind. In fact, I think I’d be happy if someone thought it was worth sharing, so feel free.)

#lox talks personal #tw rape #tw noncon #long post #in case read more doesn't show up

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knightofbalance-13 · 6 years ago

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https://queenypie.tumblr.com/post/178782465728/how-not-to-write-yang

Here’s a deal for you: you stop mentioning Miles, I’ll stop doing this.

I decided to watch the last 1/3rd of volume 5 to try and grasp how truly disappointing the finale really was. Needless to say, even burying my expectations, I was shook by how awful it was.

I’ve caught you lying in all your posts on RWBY. You bitching about the finale is more evidence it was good than bad at this point.

With that said, this post will focus on Yang and Build up + Payof

Spoiler alert: They just vomit up what Dudeblade says and never talk about payoff until the final paragraph.

Of all of the characters to suffer from Miles’ Chronic inability to both build something up and have that same thing pay-off-

Between Red Vs. Blue that builds up Church degrading due to being an AI fragment and paying off in the most memorable ending to an arc the series has had, let alone the build with General Kimball being so openly and irrationally hostile to Republic of Chorus and paying off with a deconstruction of how people view each other in conflicts (all of this done BEFORE RWBY mind you)

And Camp Camp where there is a three season long build up of David’s worship of the Camp Camp’s founder and paying off with him having his adoration in the founder crushed alongside having built up Max’s cynicism for two seasons ending with the reveal that his parents never cared about him so he had a very GOOD reason to be cynical.

And Nomad Of Nowehre where there is an entire season f build up with how the Nomad just running and running from everyone only makes his situation worse and makes the people he cares about leave him which pays off with him finally fighting back and defeating both of his major opponents in the first season.-

If that issue even exists which, considering your history of editing out information and lyinbg just to create issues that don’t exist, it may not:

It’s probably KERRY’S issue, not MILES.

You know Kerry, the OTHER guy who writes for RWBY except he’s the DIRECTOR of the show so writing mistakes would be his fault even more so.

Or are you blaming Miles because he’s a widely hated guy for no reason and Kerry would just push you away?

Yang gets it the worst.

No, that would be Jaune. The guy whose built up as an important character with Monty then gets sidelined for Volume 3, has all his development funneled into Ruby in Volume 4 and gets less screentime, less lines and less focus than ILLA in Volume 5.

Huh, Miles also hates writing Jaune, mostly because you people won’t stop harassing him.

Funny how that works.

Ruby usually doesn’t get anything period, with the exception of the Silver Eyes which had basically two lines of introduction in volume 1 and have had two separate pay offs.

Which are....what exactly? Oh right, clarification is your kryptonite because making things vague makes it harder to disprove.

Weiss has had a family arc with good build up and a weak sauce pay off (but it was something).

How do you have a payoff for an ONGOING arc?

Blake has awful build up, because the white fang are a singularity point of failure, and even worse pay off, but she at least both.

And you completely failed at it so it’s more like RWDE’s the singular point of failure.

After going through an arc where the show tells Yang she’s incompetent -you be the judge on whether that’s accurate or insultingly wrong-

Being FLAWED does not make one INCOMPETENT. You can be competent AND flawed at the same damn time.

For fuck’s sake, come back when the show treats the idea of Yang fighting as a joke like it does Jaune.

for using her rage ability and losing to people with far greater experience, you’d think the show would have the decency to at least have her refight those same people and get back at them.

Because it’s not like one of those character is gone (Neo), one of them has no way to even meet Yang again (Neon), one of them is the villain of a DIFFERENT CHARACTER (Adam) or that she HAS fought them, it just wasn’t focused on (Mercury).

But no, Yang has only thus far had a chance to fight Mercury again, and most of that was off screen before she just had to run to the plot.

Not like Raven is more important, more substantial and more emotional to Yang than Mercury and thus having THEM have a conflict is just better writing-Oh wait...

Also, Mercury doesn’t fit that critera. Yang won against him. A thrown fight yeah but your critera doesn’t fit. If you’re gonna be anal about this, so will I.

No rematch with Neo, Adam is no longer worth a rematch, and neither is Mercury after getting headbutted.

because durr pacing, what is that?

After being beat down by every villain like she’s the town bike

She lost twice, get over it. Fucking Weiss, Blake and Ruby have had a worse track records, let alone Jaune.

having her arm sliced off and having PTSD from the event

*points to the rest of the cast* They all have PTSD too.

and having a best friend leave her and sending Yang to her lowest point

Really the only thing unique here is Yang losing an arm. And uh, according to RWDE standards: That’s nothing special.

what’s the payoff?

Nothing like what you’re gonna say next?

Yang gets insulted by her dad and told a tone-deaf story from Oobleck and Port and then just gets over her current funk.

A. So we’re gonna ignore how she acted in the Volume 3 finale being depressed and junk? You know, THE ACTUAL PAYOFF?

B. ‘tone-deaf’ says the person overlooking how Yang tries to talk down to her twice widowoed, numerous abandoned father about loss.

C. So we’re gonna ignore how she acts in Volume 4 Episode 9?

Oh, D. So jokes are serious now? okay, I’ll remember that when you joke about killing Miles.

Yang puts on the robot arm and the whole hesitancy to use it just vanishes.

Because durr, I no understand basic human psychology like fear of change.

Yang spars with Tai and gets told to keep a cooler head. This alone lets her fight on par with villains who previously acted like she was leagues below them, despite now having trained barely any after a long period of doing nothing.

Because it’s not like the reason WHY Yang lost those TWO times was because of her anger issues aznd that was what was holding her?

because solving your issues...doesn’t solve your issues...

Or maybe you’re a liar.

Yang gets her arm sliced off by Adam, and not only does she not fight him, Blake manages to take Adam out with a move that he should be well aware of given their interaction in V3, and a smack to the back of the noggin.

Because not like Adam is not only BLAKE’S villain but Adam kind of reflects Yang so he has similar issues.

Also what about their interactions would show he expected that? That time where he fell for the EXACT SAME TRICK?

Pick just one of these four and with a little brain power you could come with an idea that has infinitely better payoff.

Self destruct in 3...2...1-

How about Tai give Yang a motivation speech

You mean what happened in canon no less than TWO times?

or Port give an actually heartfelt story,

You mean what he did in canon?

or Yang struggling to get used to the arm before doing crazy tricks in volume 5

You mean ignore all the training she did in Volume 4? The MONTHS of training?

or Yang running off to confront Adam before jumping in to help Ruby and Co like Blake does?

You mean leave someone, probably her sister, to fight the trained killer while she goes off into the courtyard to fight someone she didn’t know was there and get dogpiled and probably killed all WITHOUT the excuses Blake had (like not knowing about Ruby and the others as well as focusing on stopping Adam long with OUTNUMBERING him?)

Anytime you build up suspense for anything, it needs to have a pay-off.

You’re right but the thing is-

You completely ignore anything that makes RWBY function. As shown above, you listed two things that ALREADY HAPPENED and another two that would have contradicted the writing already, one of which would require Fairy Tail levels of plot armor to survive.

So why should anyone listen to you?

Look at the Karate Kid: the main character gets his ass kicked, gets trained by a martial artist, and then comes back to defeat the people who wronged him.

Yeah and if this happened in RWBY, you’d ask ‘why didn’t he fight the guy who wronged him?’ It’s not the writer’s fault you ignore facts.

There’s a problem, there’s build-up to a solution, and then there’s the pay-off. Yang in this situation would be Daniel if he got beaten up, trained my Mr. Miyagi, and then just went off to study abroad.

Except this is more like you watched the Karate Kid and then walked out of the theater half way through the movie and complained that it didn’t happen.

You say you’re gonna make more of these but what’s the point? We have enough liars to make another Senate and all you’re doing is vomiting up what Dudeblade has said.

You have no point in making these. There is no way anyone will listen to you aside from people who already agree with you and they can just listen to other people for that. Unless you’re doing this to try and control people but again, you’re just another brick in the wall.

#queenypie

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stupid-jeans · 6 years ago

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Well. It’s not fic (not really) but I’m posting this here anyway mostly for me. This is...really heavily veiled RPF. And it’s not relevant to any of my recent fandoms. If you can figure it out um...you get a medal. This is a verse my wife and I wrote in almost nonstop for 10-something years. And I missed it so this is what happened. It’s not the beginning, it’s not the end. *shrug*

CW for mentions of rape/sexual assault/PTSD/flashbacks/disassociating/war related violence, but nothing major.

Matt didn't expect that going back up the Hudson would cause a problem. Why would it? Nothing happened there. And he was fine. He'd been fine for several months now. He almost didn't think about it every day anymore (it helped that he'd left, that his time in the army was done), and things were good.

So he went upstate to visit his brother, because being away, being in a war zone, had made him want to mend whatever was left of the wreckage of bridges he'd burned with his younger siblings. If he was being totally honest, spending so much time in California played just as big of a role as the war had. His siblings didn't deserve to pay for the fact that his mom died. And it had been twenty fucking years already. It was definitely time to bury the hatchet.

Everything went okay until they decided to go to the bar, on a Friday night of a three day weekend. Everything was fine until he'd been brushed up against twenty too many times while playing pool, until Jimmy's buddies were ragging on him for playing a shit game, until some guy with an army-issued buzz cut stumbled into him walking out of the bathroom, and the next thing he knew, Jimmy and two of his buddies were hauling Matt off the guy and dragging him out of the bar. The shock of the cold air snapped him out of it, and then he was shaking and fighting the urge to run and Jimmy just looked worried. Fuck.

"I'm...gonna call Wes?" Jimmy offered, and Matt almost objected, until he thought about the potential damage he could do to his little brother's career over the next 48 hours. So he nodded instead, handing Jimmy his phone. His voice wouldn't work yet, and with how badly his hands were still shaking, there was no way he'd be able to text.

So his brother called his boyfriend and then they walked back to Matt's hotel and Jimmy stood by the door, still looking worried (and also overwhelmingly like their father, and that wasn't something Matt was ready to process right now).

"You can't stand there all night," Matt said finally. Jimmy nodded but didn't move. "I didn't know tonight was going to happen or I wouldn't have come."

Jimmy softened immediately and it was all Linda, Jimmy's mom, and Matt felt a pang of guilt for all the times he'd pushed his stepmother away.

"I don't give a shit about that," Jimmy promised. "Are you okay? I mean, what the hell happened?"

"I can't, okay? I'm sorry." At least he hadn't said it was nothing. A step in the right direction.

"Being over there...it really fucked you up, huh?" Jimmy finally moved to the couch, sinking into it.

"I...guess you could say that," Matt agreed, because it was true. Not the way Jimmy was thinking, because it wasn't the sand or the heat or the bombs that got him. It wasn't patching up bullet wounds or picking fragments of IEDs out of his friends that kept him up at night.

No, as it had turned out, the real enemy had looked just like him. A home-grown farm boy from Oklahoma, just trying to make his family proud. And have a little fun on the side. Whether the other participant was willing or not. And Matt had definitely not been willing.

He was shaking again before he realized.

"Matt." Jimmy's voice was even, quiet, just enough to pull him back. He breathed and unclenched his fists, realizing for the first time that his knuckles were bruised. From decking the guy in the bar. His stomach twisted. "What can I do for you?"

"I don't know," Matt admitted. "Water, maybe?"

Jimmy brought him a plastic cup from the bathroom. "You know I love you, right?"

And that caught him off guard, because Jimmy wasn't exactly the type to get all sappy. Or maybe he was, and Matt had just never been on the receiving end. He was once again struck by how little he knew his half brother.

"Yeah. Yeah, I love you too."

They watched a movie with the volume on low, all the lights on, plenty of space between them, until Wes showed up several hours later. Matt took his first real breath since leaving the bar. The world blinked mostly back into focus, and Matt vowed never to come up here alone again.

A week later, he was only just recovering. Wesley had mandated he go to his therapist, and he had. He was doing all the right things, but this wasn't like medication. It didn't just get better. There wasn't just two steps back, there were fifty, and, though he'd stumbled forward again a bit, now he'd stalled.

There was exactly one number he could call that stood a shot at helping him, but he was wary. Wary because everything was so damn complicated. Wary because, of course the only person he wanted to talk to was his boyfriend's sister's ex. But after pacing the living room for well over two hours, barely keeping a panic attack and an almost guaranteed dissociation at bay, Matt caved and sent Ingrid a text, having no idea if she'd respond or not.

His phone rang less than two minutes later.

"Do you want me to come over?" Ingrid asked. "Are you home?"

"I...yeah. Um, that would be great," Matt mumbled, finally giving up on pacing and sinking onto the couch instead, still tense, still fighting the wave of dread in his chest, but one step closer to winning.

"Okay. Just, do me a favor and unlock the door for me? I'll stay on the phone until I get there, but I need you to do that, okay?" Ingrid said, and Matt flashed back to barricading himself in Wesley's bedroom in California, to Delaney unlocking the door from the outside, which Matt hadn't even known was possible, to resurfacing on the other side of a nasty episode with his hand to Delaney's throat, pinning her up against the wall, and Ingrid there, calmly talking him back to himself somehow, until he'd let go. "Matt." Her voice was just as calm now, gently coaxing him back to reality. "It's okay. We're all okay."

"Yeah," Matt whispered. It had been five years and he still wasn't sure that was true. "Okay, it's unlocked."

Ingrid kept her promise and stayed on the line until he heard the door open. "I'm really glad you called," she said, tucking her phone into her purse. "It's good to see you. Despite the circumstances."

He smiled a little, standing to greet her. "You too. I, um...thanks for coming. I wasn't sure..."

"Look." Ingrid stopped him. "Whatever happened between me and Delaney has nothing to do with me and you, okay? You can always call me and I will always be here for you. Just like you'll always be there for me, right?"

"Yeah, of course," Matt agreed easily.

"You think I can get a hug?"

And honestly, it meant the world to Matt that Ingrid wanted him to touch her at all. He hugged her, more tension ebbing out of him.

"You wanna tell me what happened?" Ingrid murmured once they pulled away.

So Matt did. And even though he'd told the same story to Wes, and his therapist, and his sister, it felt better telling it to Ingrid. Because of all those people, she was the only one who really understood.

"Fucking triggers," Ingrid muttered once he'd finished.

"More to add to the list, I guess," Matt sighed.

"But we're here," Ingrid said. "And they get better."

"Do they?"

"Yeah," Ingrid said. "I mean, the other night, after a show, I went out to a bar with some of the girls. I didn't need my meds, I had a few drinks, I took the subway home alone, and I didn't even notice until the next morning."

"You're a fucking warrior," Matt declared, sliding his arm around her as she leaned against him.

"I know you are, but what am I?" Ingrid teased.

Huffing out a laugh, Matt rolled his eyes. "Let's not wait until the next middle of the night trauma crisis to see each other again?"

"Should be a lot easier now that you're not all the way in fucking North Carolina," Ingrid murmured.

"You should stay tonight," Matt suggested.

"Um, yeah, if you think I'm going home at...3:30 in the morning, you're insane."

"You can take my bed. I'll stay out here." Matt gestured toward the bedroom.

Ingrid glanced at the door and then across the apartment at the other bedroom door. "That bad, huh?"

He hadn't slept with Wes since coming home. It was safer to sleep alone, to avoid the potential for issues. Though Wesley could overpower him much more readily than Delaney. Asking him to wasn’t fair.

"Yeah," he sighed.

"Okay. Will you come lay with me until I fall asleep, then?"

Ingrid had her own set of triggers, and Matt knew well enough that perhaps her biggest was sleeping somewhere unfamiliar. And they'd only just moved into this place when Ingrid and Delaney broke up. She'd been here maybe twice, and never overnight.

He obliged her gladly, sitting up against the headboard while she curled up beside him. "I'd say wake me up if you need anything, but I think maybe you'd be better off waking Wes," he murmured.

"Don't worry. I've been to this rodeo a time or fifty, remember?" Ingrid reassured him sleepily. "G'night, Matty."

"Night, Ingrid."

In the morning, he woke up to Wes making breakfast, talking quietly to Ingrid who was perched on the counter, sipping coffee out of an oversized mug. No nightmares, no anxiety.

He knew the instant Ingrid noticed he was awake, but she didn't acknowledge him. More things she'd learned, about letting him come around on his own. And Matt thought, not for the first time, that he'd never love anyone else the way he loved Ingrid.

"Morning," he greeted, joining them, kissing Wesley on the cheek, lingering against his back a couple of extra seconds. His boyfriend definitely noticed but he, too,kept quiet.

"Wes and I were just discussing the merits of sitting around and watching hockey all day," Ingrid explained, offering Matt her mug, which he took with a smile.

"As long as we stick to hockey," Matt said. "No baseball, no football. Got it?"

Hockey was the only sport they'd all ever agreed on.

Wes' phone went off and Ingrid glanced at it, her mouth twisting as she looked at the display. Delaney.

Wes seemed to figure it out right as Matt did and they both reached for the phone at the same time.

"Let me get it. You know anything in that pan'll burn if you leave it with me." It was enough for Wes to relent. So Matt took the phone and wandered back to the bedroom.

"Hey, Lane, it's Matt."

"What'd you do to my brother? You know what, don't answer that, I don't wanna know." Delaney's typical whirlwind of a conversation made Matt grin.

"Sorry to disappoint you but he's just making breakfast. Didn't really feel like burning the house down so you got me instead."

"You know I like you better anyway. Listen, I'm in the neighborhood so I'm gonna stop by. Bodega requests?"

“I’m not sure that’s the best idea…” Matt said, wincing a little.

“Trouble in paradise? My brother being a dick? You know I’ll come kick his ass if I need to…”

“No, it’s not that. Just...Ingrid’s here.”

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone. If not for the sounds of traffic in the background, Matt would wonder if the line had disconnected.

“Oh.”

“I called her. I needed…” Matt sighed and scrubbed his hand over his face. “Your brother shouldn’t be responsible for all my demons, Lane.”

“I get it. It’s fine. We’re adults, right?”

“Something like that.” He chuckled. It still didn’t feel like he’d grown up at all some days.

“So, I’ll let you have your morning. Tell Wes I said hi. And Ingrid too, I guess.”

“Very adult,” he teased.

“I try. And Matty? I get it. Maybe not exactly, but I understand why you need her. I’m glad you have each other.”

Matt’s chest ached, for himself and how grateful he was for this family that had become his own, and for Delaney and Ingrid, who still loved each other but couldn’t seem to figure out how to make it work.

“Yeah, thanks.” He sniffed and tamped down on his emotions. There’d been enough of those lately. “Don’t be a stranger.”

“We got coffee yesterday, loser,” Lane pointed out, laughing.

“Love you too, jerk.”

“Whatever. Tell my brother to text me.”

And before he could respond, the line was dead. Typical.

When he returned to the kitchen, Ingrid was wiping away tears and the ache in his chest returned tenfold. Wes was comforting her, both of their mugs abandoned, the burner on the stove turned off.

“What happened?”

Ingrid waved him off even as Matt closed the space between them, pulling her into his chest.

“Nothing, it’s nothing. I miss her, that’s all.”

He knew better than to say Delaney missed her too, that the two of them just needed to get their shit together. They were soulmates, and everyone seemed to know it but them.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know she’d be calling…” Wesley mumbled.

“Of course not. You don’t have to apologize for that. This is just...messy, that’s all. I think I’m gonna head home.”

“You don’t have to go,” Wes said. “Stay, have breakfast, watch hockey.”

“You sure?” Ingrid still looked skeptical.

“All this french toast isn’t gonna eat itself,” Matt declared, snatching up a piece off the plate and taking a generous bite.

“Something tells me you’d have no problem devouring every last piece of that with no help from me.” But Ingrid snagged her own piece and smiled. It felt mostly like old times and the tension that had been lingering in him since Hudson slowly ebbed.

After the game ended, while they were waiting on Wesley getting their pizza, Ingrid nudged him, snuggling against his shoulder.

“You should call him.”

“Who?”

“Jimmy.”

“Yeah?” Matt wondered how Ingrid had him so figured out.

“Maybe invite him down. I mean, they have to let them out of there at some point, right?” she teased.

“It’s a school, Ingrid, not a prison.”

“Exactly. So call him. Your territory. A little safer.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Alright.”

He half expected Jimmy not to answer as he nervously paced the living room. He could feel Ingrid decidedly not watching him from the couch, which helped, for some reason.

“Everything okay?” Matt could practically count on one hand the number of times he and Jimmy had spoken on the phone. All of them had been cursory greetings, usually while Matt was deployed, at the behest of Jimmy’s mom.

“Yeah. It’s fine. I’m fine.” It felt good not to lie. “Just kinda disappointed our weekend got cut short.”

“Yeah?”

“So, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to come down here? Do a weekend?”

“Like, in the city? Hell yeah.”

He must’ve been smiling, because he caught sight of Ingrid beaming back at him from the couch, and Matt wished he had a pillow to chuck at her.

As it turned out, mending bridges was a lot easier than he’d thought. There was work to be done, but today, it felt doable. That was a victory all in itself.

#excaliburandthelaundromat

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