#why cant i write this much on like. academic papers

[sunnnfish]

Due to the mental anguish I am rambling about tbhk. I WAS going to put this under a readmore but that keeps breaking the post on mobile so. Im sorry. Tons of spoilers for chapter 99. And like the whole series. You know how it is.

I feel like I need to make an itemized list because there’s so fucking much I need to talk about right now

The violence and parallels to tsukasa. I mean who can forget tsukasa prying mitsubas mouth open to feed him number 3s heart. Who knows what tsukasa’s intentions were but they weren’t necessarily bad— as we know now mitsuba needs to eat to survive plus number 3 was like a pretty big power boost that would keep him together for a longer time. So he likely just wanted mitsuba to live comfortably. BUT ALSO there’s the beginning of the chapter where tsukasa tells mitsuba to dig the heart out himself vs kou who gets it for him. Anyways. With kou here it clearly came from a similar place of wanting mitsuba to not disappear. There’s a desperation to it and fear and it’s one I personally actually know quite well. I’ve dealt with friends refusing to eat and take care of themselves and it is a violent frustrating feeling that just ends with crying after the anger fades. There’s a lot of confusion like. Why do you not care about yourself as much as I care about you. Anyways. His actions make a lot of sense to me bc I have felt and done the exact same things.

Me core ^

and THEN there’s mitsubas feelings of wanting to be fucking exorcised and going to the fucking minamoto household to do it there’s so much here hang on. Like. I think he went to the minamoto house for some sliver of hope. If he wanted to for sure disappear he probably could’ve waited it out or something better but he went to the place where, depending on who answered the door, he’d either die or be faced with fucking. Kou minamoto. And the fact the he chose to reveal himself to kou it’s like. Did you really want to disappear. Did you really. And then taking him out on a fucking date basically like. You don’t want to disappear do you. You just don’t want to be. This. He wants to be human. He wants someone who will understand him and. And. Kou so readily accepts and understands him. Even the parts he thinks are ugly or unworthy. Fuck.

AND THEN. Kous feeling of inadequacy and fearing that mitsuba trusts tsukasa more than him and connecting to the vision he saw in the red house. Whether he accepts it or not he wants mitsuba to need him. The red house showed him a mitsuba who told him that he needs kou that he wants kou to be a supernatural with him and he brushes it away knowing mitsuba would never say that to him. He tells himself that mitsuba would never trust him or want him like that but he wants it to be real and he’s still hurt when the real mitsuba won’t open up to him. And it all comes back to his overall self worth issues of wanting to be strong and dependable and worthy.

AND this is all under the context of Teru finally letting kou have some responsibility and telling him to go exorcise the low level spirit that came near their home and AaaaaAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUU. KOU MINAMOTO……..

God its just. Kou minamoto cares about mitsuba so so so much and neither of them completely understand the gravity of it all. Also at this point hes said like 3 times that mitsuba is the root of all his worries. ALSO dont even get me started on the art and expressions this chapter. It’s so gorgeous like as always but. God. Also the keychains. Im gonna[blaring truck horn]

ALSO the way mitsuba says at the end like ‘you’d be lonely without me’ or whatever and kou almost looks shocked for a second like. Oh. And its like he thinks about it more and cries more because yeah, he would be lonely. He’s been lonely. Mitsuba somehow inexplicably became like his closest friend that knows everything about him and god he was lonely when mitsuba disappeared. The first time and the second. And he’s barely had time to process any of it because to everyone else around him mitsuba doesnt really. Matter. And because kou is so kind he is always putting everyone else’s problems in front of his own. The severance happens and it becomes a journey to help nene bring hanako and aoi back—next to no mention mitsuba aside from the leads to the red house, much less trying to find and save him too. The whole time theyre in the boundary to the far shore its all about hanako and nene and number 6. And there’s STILL the conversation about how to become a supernatural that he brought up with nene but noooooo we cant ever know anything about what kou wants. And like. It all comes back around this chapter because he so so selfishly wants mitsuba to live. One of the only things he lets himself want. And it aches. God. I wish i was any good or natural at prose writing because god the things i would write about minamoto kou. AND TO TOP IT OFF HES LIKE FUCKING 14 YEARS OLD…. Okay. Okay im done.

[depthnessingsweet]

.

[lawluenvy]

is there such thing as a paper-writing phobia??? like there are people out there with severe test taking anxiety (we call it an anxiety but it functions as a phobia in that with severe cases it induces panic attacks) and mine is pretty much that except it's papers- especially research papers and reports which are virtually the only papers you write in uni no matter what your area of study is which is why i cant just GO BACK even for an elementary teacher's degree and most certainly not for a masters in my bachelor's field because 1. i hate the academic establishment and the only good masters and phds in arts are for is continuing in academia because its an ouroboric incestuous institution and 2. PAPERS MAKE ME SUICIDAL

but gods its actually become such a problem.

once again i find myself unemployed and EI is taking forever to come through and i was excited about this job that i made it to the last interview stage of but i havent heard back yet and tmr it will be a week and even at one time entry level positions like receptionists and office assistant jobs now require you to have a degree (there are office administration CERTIFICATES FOR FUCK'S SAKE) or 3 years exp and just goddamn

but i cant go back to school

i cant because i loathe papers so much they give me insane panic attacks and just thinking about being in that position again makes me want to die and

dear gods why couldnt i just have kept my job at LEAST a full year before they laid me off cuz unfortunately 8 months is not an option in the toggle down menu of applications that measure in years and then i am auto weeded out and just

FUCK. MY. LIFE.

[lyrepyre]

""liveblogging"" the first 10mins of the newest tom scott :D

THIS IS A LONG POST (press J to skip post)

(liveblogging in the sense that its live but itll only be one post, i guess this is spoilers but its a tom scott video so not sure what i would spoil, i also know VERY LITTLE about the subject of the video so dont expect me to start making peer-reviewed opinions on the content, this is about the video not the telescope. GO WATCH THE VIDEO!!)

(when i mention tom scott or 'him' im probably talking about tom scott as a channel and not as a guy, a lot of work goes into these videos by multiple people)

starting off with the title. pretty normal for a modern tom scott although the asterisk is interesting, i cant remember the last time he's clarified in the title, normally when he makes a 'hyperbolic' claim he explains it within the first few seconds of the video (this is why people like to talk about how he always 'gets to the point'). i suppose you could say that him putting '(yet)' at the end of the explosion measure-rer video is similar but here it feels more like a "tom knows that this is pretty much wrong" instead of a "this is technically true and here's why". the thumbnail is also standard for modern tom scott, he's become more familiar with the modern youtube 'guy pointing at/admiring thing' format and here he does it again, with the subject of the video in the background as usual.

the first surprising part of the video for me is the length, HALF AN HOUR!!! every time tom makes a long video its normally one of his best (itll be alright on the night is my favourite and in my opinion the best tom scott video (yes i like it more than the video about the youtube sponsor video (the origin of the vape meme (its not actually a vape!)))). from the length alone i know that this is a video i'll enjoy and so i metaphorically grab popcorn etc

now the video actually starts! he starts with himself in protective gear which is standard for his videos (except from when he does the 'this isnt what i expected' preamble which:) he does! he clarifies the title (as usual with the pseudo-clickbait titles) and talks about how he prepared a script etc etc, for a long scott video this is surprising, these long videos take ages to make so if he throws out the script something is different. and then:

TITLECARD!!

a titlecard essentially screams that this video will be high-production and GOOD. seeing writing credits is especially nice, with recent videos we can see tom acknowledge that it isn't just him making these, with 'alright on the night' there was a long end credit and for years he's put credits at the end of his videos, but here it is at the start, with himself in the same typesize and on the same level as his editor and script assistant, with an awesome rotating drone shot around the telescope (i think i would prefer if it was a drone shot at sunset for continuity with the previous section, but obviously getting shots at any time of day he chooses would be infeasible)

sidenote to talk about the captions. tom gets a company to caption his videos for him (caption+ by js* the majority of the time but i wouldnt be surprised if for some videos he gets someone else to do it). the reason i brought up the captions is that for voice-over the captions are in italic, which gets annoying to read long sentences of (yes i know academic papers and whatnot but idrc!!), in other videos captions for sentences spoken directly from tom 'in scene' are normally prepended by a dash, and voiceover is given no formatting, or alternatively no formatting for voiceover and tom gets his own colour. this switchup isnt major but i think i would prefer if it wasnt in italic, as first reading the captions it made me wonder if there was some sort of special reason it was in italic except from simply being in voiceover, but it seems there isnt.

re: 'scientists love giving names to telescopes like that', seeing tom scott make jokes in his videos or at least add a bit of humour to them is always nice, sometimes i feel his videos have become a bit too corporate and i loved the old stuff where it felt more personal (please PLEASE a return of matt and tom's park bench), so hoping that more jokes/casual moments are in the video, maybe even a post-credits quip. however for subjects like this where these videos are likely to come up in professional/educational settings, i can see that it makes sense to actually keep things professional (think tom on computerphile/language files)

tom clarifying that the agencies had no editorial control is sort of a given with tom scott videos, but its nice for him to clarify. sometimes in the comments therell be some random who gets mad at tom getting paid to cover it and paint it in a good light or whatever so its good that he almost immediately clears it up.

the way tom scott shows road footage and explains how he found his way around the site/area (the latter pretty usual for an 'unscripted' video) reminds me heavily of cgp grey's video on the tekoi test range, although that video is more of a vlog, so i guess tom's video reminds me of a vlog? not sure if thats a good thing or not

the footage of him walking through the residence with pristine blue pools and deck chairs while the voiceover explicitly states that its not a hotel is very funny, although necessary because i can imagine someone with more money than sense seeing this footage and buying a plane ticket to this middle-of-nowhere site in the desert because they want to be 'with the stars'

speaking of!!: tom scott's pinned comment (as of day of release) is weirdly poetic, 'and the stars were beautiful' originally made me think that it was a quote from hitchhiker's or a poem, but a search showed that no, tom just knows how to paint stories in peoples minds (and thats amazing)

another sidenote to mention the camerawork! a lot of the subjects tom covers are set in places like urban europe or some business park in california or whatever (the switzerland ones seem to be an exception with tom going all out with the camerawork, see the shooting range, the village with no cars etc, why does tom like switzerland so much??) so when its set in a place that looks cool it really makes the video a lot more engaging and tbh more awesomer, i love the shot of the petrol station and the wide shots of the 'village'

the drone shot of the very large telescope is also great, with simple 1080p im surprised by the quality of the rocky surface, and with 4k it feels like a movie. tom then completely negates this with the most whiplash-inducing offcentre blurry zoom on the extremely large telescope, i understand he wanted to show the distance between the site and the telescope but i feel he couldve done better. he then (i think) reuses the rotating drone shot from the titlecard but i think its cool so i dont mind

also: tom is quite clearly filming the voiceover from either the uk or somewhere in europe or america, and it is painfully obvious that he was at home/in a hotel and went 'i need a nondescript place to shoot, this forest near me will do'. if i was good at geoguessing/osint/geocaching(?) i would find where this forest is but im not so the 'telescope voiceover forest' will forever be unknown :(

this video has chapters but im not going to pick up on them too much because its a long tom scott video, so of course therell be chapters. does make the video cooler though. what i will pick up on is the uv index sign, which i cant describe any more than it just 'fitting', theres this vibe around it that makes the quick succession of shots much better and i cant figure out why, maybe because its a clearly man-made thing among nature or because you have to pause and focus on what it is saying to read it, either way i like it.

..and theres the twist that explains the title. most tom scott videos with these sorts of titles will have a twist of some sort that isnt a complete lie but helps to "clarify" the truth, here it being that its actually multiple telescopes! (:O) these sorts of twists have become mainstays of toms content now so there really isnt much to say, other than that it was there i guess

moving on though we have the first interview (an actual mainstay of a tom scott video). again i cant say much about the content of the interview other than the fact that the interviewee is wearing an awesome hoodie, especially fitting for an astronomer. i can imagine him coming into work beaming that he gets to wear his space hoodie for his space job where he researches space. this man is GOALS. what i will say though is that the 8.2 metres wasn't converted to imperial, which is what tom normally does for measurements, so i'll be the saving grace and say that 8.2 metres = 968.50393701 barleycorn. thank me later. the interviewee's captions were in a different colour (yellow) which is standard, and makes it even funnier when the yellow switches to tom's white when he explains the mirror mistake.

tom making callbacks to previous videos is always nice, its something he's started quite recently, presumably with the channel slowing down, sort of a 'protagonist reflects on the adventures theyve had', it also appeals to people who have watched lots of tom scott (like myself >:])

something that happens when tom interviews a super-expert on a topic is when he rephrases something or observes something (here being the precision of the telescope) and the interviewee just sort of brushes it aside, with the interviewee affirming with what seems almost passive-agressive responses (here being the shortest 'yeah' ever). i get that tom phrases it like this for the viewers, or so that he can understand himself, but it must irk the expert when the guy interviewing you is surprised that optical telescopes have to be precise

tom's gopro skills have definitely improved over the years, but i think they may be too good now, as i can see toms finger trace the path between all of the points on the telescope. this is really cool but seeing toms finger in the corner of the screen with the narration makes it feel like an interactive cutscene in the last of us, i feel like i should have an option to pick whether to be nice or mean to tom.

i feel like ive mocked tom a bit too much so im going to instead compliment him on how good of an interviewer he is. the classic rephrase/observation that i mentioned earlier is a great way to ask questions that although he might know the answer to, the viewers might not and the content of the questions and the attention to detail is just great. whenever i have a question its less than 20 seconds later that tom makes an observation and the question is answered.

the pov at 8:36!!! again with the your choices matter rpg cutscene tom!! theres also another unconverted metric with 30cm and 60m but im not going to make the joke again (i think tom said in a q&a on the park bench that he may only convert imperial to metric and not vice versa? i looked for the clip and couldnt find it and also i wouldnt be able to include the barleycorn joke so whatever)

thats 10 minutes!! i was originally going to do the whole video but that might crash my browser and the video has less non-topic related things to pick up on. it also means that if you havent watched the video and for some weird reason you read this post you can watch the other 2/3 of it. if for some weirder reason you actually read me ramble about a tom scott video then good for you i guess?

[pageofheartdj]

Yeah, Western ideology does very much enjoy infecting others as best it can. The USA education system is one of the most divided if I'm not mistaken? Divided in like, the quality of your education can vary wildly depending on where you live instead of a standard being approximately the same throughout schools. People dont choose where they are born and must live (until they move out) but it seems absurd that being born on one side of a city versus the other could be the difference between getting an education that'll prepare you for high school and/or post high school, and one that prepares you for the ever-shrinking factory worker role.

I'm from canada personally and I won't say that ours is much better (our schools are entirely modelled into preparing people for factory work. That was the original goal of our schools. Learn to stand in line, follow the bells, etc. Out high schools (in some provinces) are split into two ""tracks"". University (called academic) and college (called applied). Applied teaches you the absolute basics and pretty much prepares people for factory work. Academic focuses on teaching analytical thinking, critical thinking, essay writing and applying thought to ideas. Totally definitely totally a fair system, because you cant go from applied to academic but you can go academic to applied (applied versions of the classes dont count as prerequisite to academic classes. Basically locks people into a worse education. Theres also a big judgement culture on getting into university because college is considered lesser and for idiots because in canada university is theory and thought focused and colleges are skill and applied knowledge focus)

I think you make good points and it definitely is most obvious in USA where literacy is declining. Unfortunately it happens here in canada too, people just dont talk about us much lol

I think part of it, especially with the us is control. It is a LOT easier to control people if they struggle with critical thinking. Not teaching people how to find information and formulate opinions without (much) outside influence means it is a ton easier just to tell people what they should and shouldnt do. Obviously this thing is bad if it hurts kids, right? But they arent taught how to consider how would it hurt them? Why? What are the alternatives? If kids are hurting why are they pushing other laws and whatnot to hurt them more? Etc etc

Which... not to get political because it isnt quite the best area to bring up randomly, but just going to mention the rise of facism and decline in critical thinking and media literacy are oddly in sync in the US. And there have been studies (here is a quick link but theres tons of articles and papers you can find quick https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.washington.edu/provost/2018/04/23/fake-news-and-misinformation-why-teaching-critical-thinking-is-crucial-for-democracy/&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwiB89mKnLmAAxUyFzQIHeOnAgYQFnoECAEQAg&usg=AOvVaw2s4TP6UzreLCWaEozRvTPx) that link a lack of critical thinking to people being more firm in biases, more susceptible to misinformation and propaganda, and to a lack of wanting to learn (stagnant beliefs).

Just. To point out that it might be partially not just people being addicted to phones, though that is a big factor. It's one of those situations where you need to ask "who might benefit" if it seems like there are no positives.

Anyways, it is really sad that people aren't being encouraged to think, really if you think about it? Social media is a lot of parroting back and blending in, making your literal person a brand, and echo chambers. Younger folks especially are losing out on those in person social interactions as most is replaced online, which means people arent getting together to chat as much. There is always something else, which limits a person's opportunities to get deep, debate in a risk free space, and just be around other people.

Its complicated and sad, and really weird that the supposed age of information brought about a general decline in thinking capabilities.

We have something similar too with colleges and universities and maybe there is some bias but not big and honestly more people talk how learning skills is more useful that just whatever they do in universities xD

And yeah it's logical for facsist regime to want dumb people. A person can know that some things are bad, but not because WHY it's bad. And that's how we get progressive young people eagerly support censorship. Indirectly support fascism. And when they will notice what is happening it will be too late. (and it's sad to see them ruining what previous generations were fighting for)

Internet definetely also desentitised people? With so much information about the world, there is less compassion. People have no problem being horrible to others because the screen separates them.

It's a mess. Honestly I think it was a mistake letting kids into social media. They are too impressionable and there is too many bad people who will take advantage of it. And it's harder for parents to keep track of dangerous people around their kids(not to mention parents who don't care what their kids do on internet in general). But it's still complicated, because internet also gives kids community they can't get in real life =(

[halfgoosehalfmoose]

Too late for therapy

Since after the lockdown I have felt unbelievably low at times. That was right when I started high school, and I remember it got to the point I struggled with suicidal ideation. There were 3 different times where I picked up a pen and paper with the full intent of writing a suicide note but couldn't even think of what to write because I didn't quite understand these emotions myself. But I remember stop studying or not doing homework when I was feeling down not because I thought I needed a break, but because I kept thinking "why bother with this now when you may not even make it past 18". I was stressing and struggling for the sake of a future I might not even have. I did not plan or think about the future, which I am paying for now, because in my head my biggest concern was just not killing myself.

I never learned how to talk about my emotions seriously, I never told anything to anyone. I was going through the absolute hardest most soul-crushing exhausting period of my life but all by myself. It got a lot worse on my last years of highschool, because academic pressure increased and problems with my friends and myself showed up. It felt like powering through a bush of barbed wire that kept getting denser and denser, but not knowing why or if it would even end. Graduation felt so freeing. I realized how much school was weighing me down and I started to actually feel hopeful about university.

That is when I approached my father about therapy. I wanted to start from scratch in uni, put all that struggle behind and somehow become better. But I feel he didn't really take my request seriously. He kept stalling and I had to remind him of what I asked. I know we can afford it because we are well off financially and we have already spent a lot of money in personal requests. It felt frustrating because I needed so much time to gather courage to ask him, I wanted to since I started feeling suicidal and it was like it amounted to nothing.

Now I moved to Germany to try uni here and I am feeling so many things, but mos of them are rooted in how much I'm liking it. It has been more than 3 months and I don't miss my parents. I am not particularly sad over not having friends here, and I never remember to call family or friends with updates. I don't feel there was an adapting period where I felt I didn't belong. There is the matter of the language, as I am still learning German, but it is not affecting me much. I was scared at first because I always heard about how sad and depressing it is, how rude people are, but that was not my impression at all. For sure it is very different from home but not at all as I was expecting(still waiting for winter to fully judge though).

I feel like a bad friend and bad daughter. I left my parents alone. My sister already left too and neither is married or has a partner. I was sad for so long thinking my friends didn't value me but now I don't know how to talk to them.

On the other hand, I'm paying for not thinking about the future. I thought I could easily study biology with my diploma but i didnt take the subjects i had to take so now I need at least 1 year to study for germany's university entrance exam and it will probably make me miss the applicationi deadline meaning I will have to wait another year, making me 3 years late to start university and that is if I go well on the test. I feel like I am wasting so much money since the Euro value keeps rising and my parents are paying all my expenses and I cant even work even if i wanted to.

There are so many things bottled up for so long that I want to deal with and talk to a therapist about but they are in the past. I dont know if it would even do any good bringing them up or just letting them stay behind. I dont even know how to start looking for a therapist and I know it can be expensive and wait time can be long. I feel like I am failing in every way possible.

[chocolatecakecas]

.

[pandoratheprocrasticreator]

You know that flavor of ppl who aren't like homophobic by the strictest definition. Like they don't hate queer ppl and are even enthusiastic to co-exist with them but are like. Weird about it. Not in the "I'm fine with queers i just dont want them shoved down my throat" bc thats just homophobia but like the gluten free version of that.

This phenomenon is more harmful irl but im pulling examples from fandom bc thats where i spend most my time online these days and shipping is inconsequential enough to discuss. If a boy and a girl interact at all in one scene theres immediately a whole community for their ship and no one bats an eye. But shippers of gay ships that dont interact are filled with ppl who lord them as their "uwu gay babies" and shippers who are normal about it get plagued with ppl asking them for "proof theyre a couple." And when you do the same for a straight ship ppl retort with "this isnt hurting anyone so leave us alone" which could be a reasonable argument. But the same ppl using that for their straight ships are also the ones asking for cited sources that the author didnt intend for characters in a gay ship to be entirely straight.

Same with other queer headcanons. Trans hcs will have ppl saying that "i PERSONALLY never saw them as trans your headcanon is valid but i need you to give me an essay on your reasons bc WHY WOULD THEY BE TRANS." Ace headcanons are similar except with ppl also telling the hperson with the ace headcanon that they ship this character with someone. And ofc theres the "arent characters allowed to be friends" argument which again. Is valid. But the ppl making that for queer headcanons also often parade screenshots where a boy and girl in a show look at each other and say "this is proof theyre canon."

And maybe its just bc ive been into more queer media lately but these kids of ppl are worse when the media actually has canon queer characters? Ppl flock to the safe and canon gay ships and use that as a shield against accusations of bias. They CANT be homophobic or even biased against queer people because look! They thought it was cute when these two secondary girls held hands! This character has gay dads and this person supports that! They just want you to write an academic paper to justify your ship existing because YOURE the crazy one whos bringing shipping into everything. No one has to reexamine their implicit biases whatsoever. It feels performative.

Ofc this also extends to other biases. The main character of this book is black so the fandom cant be racist. Thats why its perfectly fine for them to hyperfocus on the angsty white boy in the secondary cast and ignore the main poc characters. No one needs to think about why that consistently happens in every fandom like this. This main character is a girl! And shes also a Strong Female Character whos quirky. So we dont need to think about how the fandom lauds around the male villains as sexy and write pages of meta on their motivations and then call female villains "bitches" and talk about the graphic ways they should be killed and maybe sexualize them if theyre conventionally attractive but in a more dehumanizing way than the male villains. And ofc if you call fans out for this, they jump behind the shield of "liking diverse media." Which makes them immune to accusations of bigotry. This is also true for creators of media btw.

Anyway its like. I would rather deal with these kinds of ppl than actual homophobes, especially regarding non fandom topics that actually affect irl ppl. But also these people are so much more annoying than actual homophobes. Bc like. If you tell me you support queer ppl then act like it, you know?

[ithinkthereforeidread]

the collected poems of todd anderson

christmas day of 1959.

ao3 link here

He knew this day would come. He’s been dreading it, sure, he’d never really enjoyed Christmas much beforehand, his multiple unopened desk sets epitomised such. At his house, fires weren’t warm, hugs were stiff and silence was punctured by the sounds of laughing children in the house next door. It’d always been this way for the Anderson family. Todd grew to accept it.

But this year was supposed to be different.

He was supposed to spend his Christmas at Welton, with all the Dead Poets.

 Usually, the boys would go home to their families for Christmas, but through the efforts of Neil he assembled a complex string of falsities about a gargantuan Latin group project that all the Dead Poets needed to finish.

“Serious business, I care about my education father, why else would have you sent me here?” said Neil over the phone, holding his index finger to his mouth to silence Todd from his chuckling, although all Todd really saw was the wide grin that hid behind it, and the way Neil’s eyes crinkled up all the way, a complete oxymoronic action when Neil was usually on the phone to his father. Todd stifles back laughter and Neil smacks him lightly, only causing him to laugh more.

“Well, that was quicker AND easier than I expected...” Neil states after placing the phone back on it’s cradle and ending the call. “But hey!” Neil squeaks, “We’re all spending Christmas together! The biggest concern was just getting my father to agree, everyone else’s parents seemed fine with it.”

Todd and Neil start to walk, side by side, Neil bumps him playfully. “I’m so glad you told me, Todd.” Neil turns his head and looks towards the shorter boy. “My Christmases at home aren’t that great either, I’ve always wanted to spend them here, but I could never work up the courage to ask my father, ask Charlie, in our first year he almost called up my father himself. It was hilarious, he had to look up at the phone, he was so short.”

“You and Charlie have been friends for ages then?” Todd queries “Oh yeah, we met in our last year of preparatory school, he was a pretty mischievous kid, obviously not much has changed.” Neil laughs, “he was just always so confident and sure of himself… I always wanted to be like that, nothing ever got to him.”

“Has that changed?” Todd’s questions were always short and straight to the point. Startling upfrontness in the most unexpected of moments. It was something Todd was known for.

“Not really… I mean, I try to get him to open up… he just isn’t an emotions type of person, I think?” Neil scratches the back of his head. “During our 9th year he went through something really big and not great, but he didn’t tell me a single word about it. To this day I have no idea wahat happened. I tried asking but it didn’t lead anywhere… all I know is some kid had been expelled but it didn’t look like him and Charlie fought or anything because they spent so much time together ....” Neil trails off.

“You know people stare at us sometimes.” Todd blankly states, an unconscious switch being flicked immediately. “When we’re walking to classes, when we go into our dorm, when we exchange smiles in classes… They bump their friends with their shoulders and snicker under their breaths… Have you noticed that Neil?”

Neil’s walking pace slows slightly, “Uh… no, I-uh I didn’t… Do they think we’re-“ “-Maybe.” Todd interrupts before Neil can say The Word. “Bu-but we aren’t, I mean, you were talking about that girl from-“ “-Yeah! Ginny, from the play, wow, I mean, she’s just great.” “Yeah, I’m sure she is.”

God.

This got awkward.

Nice one Todd.

Did it again.

~~

Ink splatters dried on the paper he cradled so delicately, he stares at the contents once more.

“what wouldn't i give to love myself as feverishly as I love you? what is the opposite of amnesia? that is what you are. sometimes i cant find my way around my memories. i have to take detours… i think you were the best one.

little fragments of joy pepper my vacancy i didn't know that i should want to be hopeful or that being hopeful meant giving up some intrinsic part of me.

last night i had a dream that we were breathing underwater flying high in the sky, arms outstretched, laughing, smiling, hugging, bodies pressed onto one another. it didn’t last long. piece by wretched, fragile piece i throw out every hated qualm of thee your impenetrable stare fixed onto me

i have hoped for love that is beyond you being caught by me or me trying to slip through the cracks. they read me, you, us, with their glacial eyes and think they know but they don't

and it seems neither do we.”

“Wow, Todd. This is so… different. But good! It’s just, I’ve never seen anything like this in our English class, in the poems we’ve studied… I just… wow.” Neil looks up at Todd, eyes so soft, Neil knows how big of a deal this is to Todd. He doesn’t just share his work with anyone.

“I-I’m glad you liked it.” Todd smiles, it’s almost as if he’s had to completely remove himself from himself in order to let Neil observe and compliment this part of him, he takes the page out of Neil’s hands and places it in his book. “What-er, who was it about?” Neil gingerly queries. “I- uh, well.” Todd’s heating up now, he should’ve expected Neil to ask him this question. Dammit. Why was he so stupid for letting him read it. “Well, I-I don’t think you necessarily have to go through something to write a-about it, it-it’s fiction for a reason.”

Neil’s lips downturn slightly, “I guess, but everything that we produce in art- whether that be acting, or poetry writing, painting- whatever… it… subconsciously shows something that you might not necessarily want to show or see, right? Like how Keating got us the other day to choose a poem we liked and recite it… It tells you so much about a person. When Charlie was reading his poem… wasn't all you could think about was how bleak it was?” Neil continues, “The academically and poetically rigorous selection made by Cameron or Knox’s complete devotion and enamoration with the simplest emotion of the human being, love? We hide these parts of ourselves, maybe we view them as flaws and faults of our cognitive machine, but art reveals them all.” Neil delivered a love poem to the class himself. He takes a big breath and lets the words he just spoke sit in the air of their dorm for a while.

“Into the meadows dawn..” Todd clicks his fingers, a vague ritual to jog his memory. “flashes my faun.” Todd recites “O Hunter, snare me his shadow… O Nightingale catch me his strain. Else moonstruck with music and madness, I track him in vain” all they’re doing is staring at each other.

“You- you remembered my poem?” Neil questions. “Yeah- I went to the library after you said it- wanted to see if there was more… Oscar Wilde…” “Yeah.” “I notice them staring now that you mentioned it.” Neil breaks the trajectory of the conversation, “God, they’re all so stupid, it’s as if Judy Garland and President Eisenhower just strutted into the school, arms interlocked!” Todd chuckles. Then more silence.

“Has anything changed, Neil?” “What do you mean?” “Between us. What this is. Our comradely bond, as Keating puts it.” Todd chuckles, “ Our co-dependence, attachment at the hip.”

More silence…

“I-I think…” Neil finally states, “that it was never anything it wasn’t already… perhaps we ignored it, suppressed the feeling… but… it was always there.”

“For me, at least.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

~~~

The wind pierced Todd’s skin in tiny microscopic ways, embedding itself under the protection of his coat and completely evading the rest of his physical form, though perhaps the wind wasn’t the cause of the spine-curdling ache he felt, but simply an additional symptom.

Bells rang, green and red Christmas themed paraphernalia adorned the streets he’d previously been driving through, staring out the window at lights and snow that trickled onto an already naturally bleached layer of the ground. His footprints leave indents and obtain a slippery consistency to the outer sole and toe cap. He treads more carefully.

His hands clutch the leather cover of the journal he is hiding underneath his jacket, minimising any further damage that may soon come its way, finally, through minutes of soul-searching and carefully treading through stones and flowers, he makes his way to Neil.

He looks at him with a certain sense of fragility, his stone head protruding from the ground and covered in snow. Todd wipes some away to see the carvings made into him. His full name. Aged 17. Dutiful son of Tom and Susan Perry.

The newness of it all sends a pang to Todd’s stomach as he looks at the other stones weathered with age and the constant bombardment of the elements. That’ll be Neil one day. Flowers not fresh and carvings unreadable. Forgotten to the world and all its inhabitants, rotting in satin lining and cherry oak wood. Todd stifles back a sob and covers his mouth, forcing himself to get it together for just this moment.

“Merry Christmas Neil.” Todd whispers, the words can barely come out. “You-you’re not here physically but you’re here with me, and Charlie, and-and all the other Dead Poets.” he continues, “though- though Charlie isn’t here technically either. He left. Had to. He’s not graduating, at least he’s not at Welton” Todd looks down, brushes his emerging tears away with his shoulder

“I just wanted to come here and give you your gift, I’ve had it in the making for a while now, you’ve seen some of it already. I wish I could’ve given it to you earlier… if I had known this would happen.” he pulls out the journal, and opens it up.

“Here, I’ll read you some.” Todd, though already cold and miserable, situates himself next to Neil’s cold headstone and leans his head on it, opening the journal's contents to its first page.

“Dear Neil,” Todd’s starts, but adds an offside, “It’s dated on the 7th of a while back, my-my birthday.”

“I hope this book finds you well,” Todd’s breath hitches, “especially considering that I’m probably too anxious to deliver it to you. What you’ll see here is what we spoke about the night we first kissed. About freeing ourselves from any subconscious fear or dichotomous dread of both working with and against the grain or being liked or disliked. The people I look up to the most are inspirationally unpopular. So, here’s a suite of poems by yours truly. Hopefully you’ll find your own meaning and reverence in the words my brain has conjured up, words mostly pertaining to you. Every inch of your being alive has me transfixed and enamoured, and I’m truly gobsmacked on the good deed I must’ve committed to have deserved having you in my life.” Todd’s face is red and stuffy from the cold and his breathing is short and punctured.

“You’re sleeping right near me at this moment, and as a sweaty toothed madman once said. We were together. I forgot the rest. Consider this journal a detachable limb of my own self, something you can always carry around and know that I am with you, always. You can suck the life force, the bone marrow out of the words I have written in here and I would applaud and encourage you to do so. Without you, I have no idea where I’d be right now. I owe you so much Neil, you’ve taught me that sometimes the world can be good. That a person’s smile can brighten an entire room. A performance perfectly acted can be a person’s ultimate achievement and their triumph. You are the word phenomenal incarnate Neil, I hope my words do you some sort of justice.

You deserve the world, Neil. I’m brainstorming ways to give it to you.

With love, Todd.”

——————————————————————————

i hope you guys enjoyed!! its fucking brutal honestly but needed some angst and tragedy in my fictional life to reflect my own.

just a preface that some of the poem todd read's is borrowed from pete wentz old emo livejournal posts because i need to somehow tie my two big interests together and MAN does that man write some gay ass shit. hope your heart doesnt hurt too much <3

creds to @neilscrown on tiktok for posting the headcanon "Todd definitely bought Neil a Christmas present and he never got the chance to give it to him so he would sit in his once shared room and stare at it" it tore my HEART OUT and inspired this rambling

[ace-in-a-shopping-cart]

Day 7

Prompt:  There is a string tied around your pinky the end of which leads to your soulmate.

Word Count: 2,647

Main Taglist: (Send an ask to be added or removed!) @starlocked01,​​​ @spoopy-turtle,​​​ @lizluvscupcakes,​​ @more-fandon-than-friends​, @i-cant-find-a-good-username, @vindicatedvirgil, @star-crossed-shipper, @justaqueercactus, @gayboopnoodle, @sanderssidesweirdo, @the-sympathetic-villain, @8-writes Soulmate taglist:(Send an ask to be added or removed!) @elizabutgayer, @melodiread, @tsshipmonth2020, @mikalya12, @8-writes

Note: I modified the prompt a bit. In this world, everyone can see the string tied around the finger. When the string is intact, it’s red like normal. If the string has been cut, it will turn gray and both soulmates will be seen as ‘lesser people’ for denying their destiny. If a soulmate dies, the string will turn black. Another thing to note is that Logan is asexual. It’s briefly alluded to in the beginning but not brought up again.

Virgil wandered the campus, shoulders hunched in a clear indication that he didn’t want to be seen. He was glad to be able to be here at all after what happened in high school. Even so, he made sure to wear the gloves and stay out of people’s ways. The first semester was hell as he still wasn’t sure how to do anything but still tried. It seemed all his teachers had it out for him on day one as soon as they caught sight of those gloves.

It wasn’t until his second semester that he met someone who wore gloves just like him. He was sitting by himself during the time he’d scheduled for lunch, reading a fanfiction off his phone and trying to block out the world. Someone sat beside him and started watching a nature documentary while eating. He glanced over and frowned in confusion. Before he could gather his things to move to a different seat, the person spoke.

“I see you’re just like me.”

Virgil’s frown deepened. “How is that?”

They held up a gloved hand. “How did yours happen?”

Virgil relaxed into his seat. “I don’t know. I was in the middle of math class in high school.”

They winced, nodding. “That’s tough.”

“You?” Virgil didn’t know why, but he felt a burning need to know their story, to know he wasn’t alone in his struggles.

Their wince turned sour, a look one step away from a glare entering their eyes. “I cut it myself. She wasn’t willing to treat me right, didn’t accept my pronouns and sexuality, so I cut it. I know my worth and she didn’t deserve me. As far as I care, she still doesn’t.”

Virgil nodded, almost in awe of them. “I never met mine but they’ve stayed with me for a while now. I’ve always wondered if I was ever going to be good enough for someone or if I was simply too damaged.” He had no idea why he was telling a random stranger his life’s story but it felt too right to stop.

The stranger shook their head. “They cut it, you didn’t. It’s their fault but you’ve had to live with it. That shouldn't have been the case.” They turned to look at him, a fierce expression in their eyes. “If they didn’t want you, they didn’t deserve you, simple as that. You never got to know them or be known by them, thus it is their fault for cutting it. Never blame yourself for the actions of others.”

With that, they put their headphones back in and played their documentary. Virgil felt his phone buzz and looked down to find that he had ten minutes to get to class. He hastily ripped out a paper from his notebook, scrawled his number on it, shoved it over to the stranger, and ran off to get to class.

He didn’t see the stranger again for a few days but got a text from them that night. They chatted late into the night, talking about classes and life outside of soulmates. They commiserated over their lack of soulmates and the shunning it causes. Virgil was able to complain about his gloves and how much he hated them and have someone agree and understand, something he’d never had before. He was able to understand when the stranger, Logan, complained about the stares they got while washing their hands, how they hated everyone looking at the gray string that hung limply from their finger.

Virgil soon found not only a soulmateless companion, but a companion in academic pursuits as well. They seemed to be intellectual peers so Virgil understood most of Logan’s science babble. Logan seemed to have taken a biologist major as they spoke of creatures found in rainforests constantly. Virgil, on the other hand, was in an arts major, focusing mainly on building models of commissioned structures.

Slowly, brick by brick, Logan rebuilt Virgil’s self confidence. They helped him regain his self love, told him how strong he was for surviving the most grueling years of his life. Logan would never let Virgil apologize for the simple things like running late or using the wrong pronouns for them. They always made sure to let him know that they were not upset and were proud of his progress. Virgil’s sense of self worth grew stronger and larger, finally allowing him to see what Logan had known from the start: Virgil’s soulmate didn’t deserve him.

Over the semester, they grew closer, their bond growing strong. Virgil’s panic attacks lessened, he could stand to hear the word ‘soulmates’ without wanting to curl into a ball and cry, he didn’t jump at the sight of a math textbook, didn’t feel the need to hide his high school passions. He grew enough that he could look at the gloves he had to wear with something other than disdain.

Soon, they had decided to room together the next semester. Luckily, their requests were easily approved as it seemed the faculty were more than happy to have the two students without soulmates room together.

They finished their degrees and managed to graduate without dying, which Virgil counted as a plus. Logan simply said Virgil was being overdramatic. Once they graduated, they found an aquarium with a rainforest section that allowed Logan to work with the animals they loved and gave Virgil a lot of opportunities to make or upgrade different terrariums and enclosures. He was also able to design more enrichment activities for certain animals. They saw each other in the back rooms and in the halls. Most times, they ended up sitting with each other to eat lunch as not many people wanted to interact with them.They still lived together in a small apartment as they didn’t feel the need to move.

Over time, Virgil got to know Logan better and knew he was falling for them. One night, he’d accidentally had too much to drink. He leaned against Logan, who’s arm around his waist was the only thing keeping him upright and relatively stable. Logan deposited him on the couch. “Stay here, I’ll go grab you some water to sober you up.”

Virgil whined, reaching out for them. Once he took hold of their hand, he pulled his roommate close. “No! Don’t go!”

Logan sighed but sat down on the couch anyways. Virgil leaned heavily to the side but before Logan could catch him, his head landed in the other’s lap. Virgil wiggled a bit before he managed to throw his legs over the arm of the couch, fully laying down now. He giggled, looking up at Logan. “You’re really handsome.” He muttered.

Logan smiled fondly, a hand reaching out to stroke through Virgil’s hair. “That’s nice, Virge. How about you try to sleep now?”

Virgil shook his head. “No, no sleep. You’re too nice to me.”

Logan’s smile turned into a frown. “How am I too nice to you?”

“You’re very patient with me, never getting angry at me for jumping at small noises, or randomly leaving a room. You take such good care of me when I’m sick. You’ve treated me with more basic human kindness than most people did during college.” Tears started to slide down his temples but Logan brushed them away. “I love you, L.” Virgil curled up, his face pressed against Logan’s stomach.

Logan stayed still the rest of the night, eventually falling asleep. When they woke, Virgil was moving around in the kitchen. “Sorry, did I wake you?” He asked genuinely.

Logan groaned but shook their head as they stood. “No, but I think we need to talk about last night.”

Virgil nodded, turning the burner off so he didn’t burn the scrambled eggs. “Is this about my drinking? I promise that was a one time thing.”

“No, I trust you on that. I’m talking about what you said to me before you fell asleep.”

Virgil nodded again, shakier this time. He put the dish towel he was holding down. “Oh, that.”

Logan nodded. “I only really have one question for you.”

Virgil looked at the counter, pretending to wipe at the already clean surface. “Sure, shoot.”

Logan put a hand on his arm, staying his movement. “Did you mean it?”

Virgil’s head shot up so fast he was sure he popped something. “Of course!”

Logan smiled, leaning over to kiss Virgil’s cheek. “Good, because I love you too.”

Virgil stood there, dazed, for a few minutes while Logan walked away to shower and get ready for the day. When they came back out, they had a discussion of what their relationship was and decided that they were datemates.

As time went on, they stopped sleeping in separate rooms for one reason or another. Sometimes, one of them couldn’t handle the pressure of the world anymore and ended up crying themselves to sleep on the other’s bed, sometimes they were cuddling and talking before falling asleep. Eventually, they simply decided to share a room. With their combined savings, they toured apartments and found one they liked, with a bedroom they could both make theirs.

A few more years went by and they were happy. When around Logan, Virgil could almost forget about the grey string tied to his finger, the string that decreed he was unlovable, unable to marry, unable to adopt. The string and all implications that came with it ceased to exist the moment he caught sight of Logan.

It was in one of those moments that he knew: he wanted to marry this beautiful human beside him, the one holding him close, the one who makes him forget the world, the one who loves him just as much as he loves them. He also knew that the gray strings hidden under their gloves denied their marriage. Only soulmates bound by a red string could get married, adopt, love.

Virgil raised his head from it’s position on Logan’s chest, looking them in the eye. “Marry me.”

Logan chuckled, a hand running through Virgil’s hair. “I’d love to but you know we can’t.”

Virgil shook his head. “If our marriage would never be legal, why should we use legal means?”

Logan’s smile slid into a frown. “I don’t follow.”

“How does a wedding go, babe?”

Logan’s smile returned at the pet name. “It usually involves the soulmates saying vows and swapping their soul strings, which proceeds to glow golden around the base of the finger while the rest of the string stays red.”

Virgil nodded, his smile growing. “So, let’s do that! We don’t need any witnesses if we’re not able to make it legal anyways. What do you say?”

Logan had gotten a look in their eye while Virgil was talking that he knew all too well. His datemate was plotting something. “Well,” he said finally, “if we’re doing this, I’d want to do it as best as we can.”

Virgil nodded, moving to sit up so he could see Logan better. “Like what?”

“You mentioned vows?”

Virgil smiled, feeling excitement and just a bit of anxiety growing. “That’s doable.”

“I could pick up cupcakes instead of a wedding cake?”

Virgil nodded, grinning. “Would it be too much if I were to wear a suit?”

Logan smiled, leaning in to kiss his cheek. “Not if I wore a dress.”

They continued to plan their ‘wedding’ over the course of a few days, both preparing vows in their free time. Virgil was once asked about what he was doing by a coworker but said he was giving a speech at a relative’s wedding, not wanting to give away that what he was doing was technically illegal.

The day they’d set arrived. It was a joint day off so neither had to go into work. Virgil woke up before Logan did, depositing a kiss to their forehead before slipping out of bed. He ate breakfast, making one for Logan to find when they woke up, before heading to the spare bedroom to prepare.

A few hours later, he walked out to the living room they’d decorated the night before. He stood at the arch of paper links, his gloves discarded and suit on. He fidgeted with the edges, wanting everything to be perfect for Logan.

When they walked out, it felt like his breath was sucked out of him. His eyes swept over Logan’s frame, their dress accentuating their features. Logan’s smile could have sent birds singing when Virgil’s eyes finally made their way back up. He held out his hand for them to take as they arrived. “You look gorgeous.” He murmured in awe.

Logan chuckled, dropping their bouquet gently onto the couch. “Thank you. You look amazing as well.”

Virgil gripped Logan’s hands tightly, knowing he was first. He looked directly into their eyes while he spoke. “I’ve chosen you. To be no other than yourself, loving what I know of you and trusting who you will become. In a world that is based on who you were destined to love at birth, I’ve chosen to love you. It is free will but that does not mean it is false love. I will gladly share your name and care for you, in sickness and in health, in fair weather and storms, in every battle life throws at us. I will stand by your side and fight with you. We shall always be equals in this marriage and I would never wish it any other way. I love you and take you, Logan Croft, to be my unlawfully wedded spouse.”

Logan smiled, squeezing Virgil’s hands before beginning. “All I have in this world, I freely give to you. I promise to love you every second of every day, not just for a moment, nor for an hour, nor for a day, nor for a year, I will love you until eternity ends. Until the mountains crumble into the sea, and the oceans rise to consume the land, I will love you with everything I have. I will put you back together when you are falling apart, I will laugh with you, grieve with you. Our love is unique and something I will cherish beyond anything. I found you without the aid of a string, without anything tying our souls together, and our love is stronger for it. We have fought to love, fought to live in a world that does not want us, and we have grown and clung to each other through it all. I cannot tell where I end and you begin and I would have it no other way. I love you with all my soul and take you, Virgil Storm, to be my unlawfully wedded husband.”

They both carefully untied the gray strings around their pinkies, Virgil tying his around Logan’s left ring finger before Logan tied theirs around Virgil’s. Once they did that, they shared a kiss. Logan was the first to pull back, their eyes going down to look at the soul string tied around their finger.

The part tied at the base was now a glowing silver instead of a muted gray. Following the ends, one ended as normal while the other had grown and now connected to one of Virgil’s ends. His own string was also glowing a bright silver while the connecting string was a soft pink.

Virgil stared in shock before locking eyes with Logan. “Do you know what this means?”

“That people who have cut strings can choose their next soulmate? Or that the prejudice against those with grey and black strings is no longer justified? That we could probably go register at a courthouse and be lawfully wedded now? That-”

Virgil surged forward and captured their lips with a kiss. “It means that no one can tell us we are broken. No one can rip us apart.” He whispered before Logan tilted their head up for more kisses.

[gr3atg1g1nth3sky]

some shit i wish i´d told my adhd ass earlier about surviving academics; a very much needed  self reflection

- this varies from person to person and their learning styles but, you might not be aware of the fact that what could be bringing you down is what you think is going to help. 

let me explain: i used to spend hours trying to find the perfect aesthetic study app, or went on youtube searching up the “must have chrome extensions” and whatnot. but by the end of the day, the only thing i had managed to achieve was to waste some damn storage and gigabytes, lmfao. with adhd, it is easy to lose all motivation to achieve the goal you first set yourself due to being so focused on something, that you block out all other thoughts but that one thing. for others, having shit look pretty is helpful. for me, it only gets me side-tracked. find what works for you. 

- the ability to hyperfocus can be keeeeewwwl, so use it to your advantage, hoe. 

i remember getting my work show-cased for the first time in who knows what. why? because it was writing. i love writing. i remember getting that whole paper done...w i t h o u t   s t o p p i n g. bitch i KNOW. bam. i fucking felt like i had superpowers, focusing that well. and it was because i geniunely enjoyed that topic. soooo, CHOOSE SOMETHING THAT YOU´LL ENJOY MFKER!!!!!!!!!

cant think of anything else and also shiiiit i have this assignment due soon LMFAO bye fam✌ reblog if ya want a part two or smth i dunno 

[templepriest-motherfucker]

I am unable to express the frustration and feelings of worthlessness at my current situation. Disclaimer: I know other people have it worse and I’m fine physically and am safe.

But how do I even begin to talk about this. I’ve grown up as the “smart kid” then got a full tuition scholarship in my university’s honors program, graduated with two degrees. I had over 160 credit hours. I’ve spent time working on high level genetic barcoding projects for the EPA, I’ve published papers, I’ve won international awards for my writing. My entire family sees me as some scientist, writer, translator, someone who’s going places.

I was told, with my academic achievements and experiences, I’d easily get a job making 50k right out of college. “Our honors students work for multinational corporations across the country, we have students at NASA, working mid-level positions for the NPS and EPA. That’s what you’ll be doing, don’t settle for anything less.” they said. And I believe it, because I have friends and classmates who did just that. But...I didn’t.

And I don’t know if that’s a personal failure on my part. If I should have gone to grad school, or stayed in Michigan, or maybe I’m just not trying hard enough on my applications. It’s a coin toss: half the time I think it’s my fault and half I don’t.

Because at the end of the day, I’ve applied to over 350 jobs. I’ve fucking tried. I’ve written cover letter after cover letter and made an entire CV. I did everything they told me would work (but did I really? did I do it well enough? did I put enough blood sweat and tears into that linkedin profile, or was I doing the bare minimum?)

is it me or the end of the world? Am I unemployed because the world is going to shit and there’s a raging pandemic, or am I just using that as an excuse? People have found jobs in the last five months, it’s not impossible (why am i acting like it is? I cant tell what’s real anymore)

I don’t want to measure my worth by how much I produce for a capitalist system. I do things I enjoy, I’m an activist, I try to be a good and helpful person. I pick up litter off the beach and am friendly to everyone I meet, isn’t that enough? Sometimes I believe it is, sometimes not.

Am i the worthless ungrateful lazy hippie millennial they say I am?

Or am I finding my meaning in another way?

but then...

Am I truly okay with how I’m existing in my life right now?

Or am i deluding myself into thinking that, so I can ignore my self loathing?

.......

Do I really even want to be a part of a system that will deny me opportunities for the style of my hair and length of my shorts? One that measures a persons worth by the color of their skin and number of revolutions around the sun?

Maybe I do. Maybe that’s why I’m so restless and depressed. But maybe not.

[ceasarslegion]

its 2:30am and i havent made much leeway on this paper but i just need to vent for a second yall

im sick of this shit

i had lower expectations for myself going into this year because of the [gestures vaguely] but man im sick of being the one whos expected to lower that because the system refuses to change or accommodate anything

what has online learning even been? i only have 2 classes that are actually synchronous,, the rest refuse to make accommodations for anything and essentially lay the blame on us if we cant basically teach ourselves the shit that we’re paying THEM to teach us

and what have we done, really? i havent absorbed shit. im too preoccupied with madly flailing in the ocean of bullshit that is online learning just to keep myself afloat to actually learn how to swim. you cant learn that safely without solid ground to retreat to and someone to pull you up in case something goes awry, and they just threw us in the middle of the pacific and blame us when we get saltwater in our lungs. My only goal this year academically is just to PASS, but its hard not to feel stupid when you have a prof who throws in 3 graded quizzes every week and refuses to give partial marks when you get SOME options on multi-option questions right. I’ll tick 3/4 of the options right, but it’ll mark the whole question as a 0. I’ve failed a lot of quizzes in that class that I would’ve done well on if he just gave partial marks. I got most of the answers right. Why are you perpetuating an all or nothing mentality right now? If you talk about how much you care about your students’ mental health in one more class email im gonna throw my whole laptop out the window. Fuck.

and that’s not an outlier. all of my classes are pulling this shit to some extent. Not that specific case, but... a million more assignments and readings than previous years and fuck all else. Total disregard of time spent per class per student because who gives a shit when it’s asynch, right? 60 pages of readings, minimum, screenings because I also study cinema, massive papers, and then 4-5 hours of lectures? All in one day? How many hours do you think are IN a day?! “noooo dont speed up your lectures you might miss vital points!” yeah and i cant get anything fucking DONE if i dont bump it to 2x speed. “make sure you get enough sleep!” on your schedule? 4 hours is my batting average. I closed my commission. I stopped my hobbyist writing, which is why y’all haven’t seen an AO3 update from me since August. I don’t draw anymore. I don’t read anymore. If I’m lucky I might have the mental energy after all this to play 15 minutes of Animal Crossing, but then I get a headache because it’s more. fucking. screen time. Don’t blame me for splitscreening my lecture and notes with discord or tumblr when you’ve consumed my existence to such an extent that I only get a reprieve when I sleep. God forbid I allow myself some fleeting sense of joy, for it may take away from the hammer slowly chiselling away at my psyche. I literally can’t afford to be burned out. But I am. And I’m tired, and I wanna lay down, and I wanna take a walk in a park again. I wanna sit down in the grass and read my book or listen to McElroy podcasts and toss nuts at the squirrels like I used to, and then forget about what I brought just to watch them for hours, like I used to.

Winter’s rolling in, though. Which means they’ll be hibernating until march. I really fucking hate the cold. I have 5 papers due in 2 weeks, all within 3 days of each other.

This isn’t even adding onto the fact that this is a psychologically damaging collective trauma that we’re all going through right now. This doesn’t even account for the mental shit I have that makes it that much harder to learn in standardized environments and that much harder to absorb material. I don’t feel like a person this year. I feel more like a shell.

How dare you charge me full tuition for this fucking bullshit. Take your fake concern about our mental health and shove it up your ass. If you really cared, you wouldn’t be charging me for memberships that are closed and slapping us with no-extension policies in the middle of a pandemic. Shove it up your ass. I should’ve gone to McGill

[crowsent]

the man hasnt even started the stream yet and his chat is spammin “technolate” truly the best and most supportive fans

amazing

=

i have to make my own fences like a loser

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“tommy is this your credit card? let me read the numbers aloud tommy”

=

“they keep dying on my thorns”

then fucking remove your armour mr technoblade??????????? you have the option to remove your armour

i know you have trust issues and that the last time you removed your armour tommy tried to kill you but like

you can remove your armour, find someplace else for your zombie villagers to be in, and then put the armour back on

you have options mr blade

you can make unenchanted armour for the purposes of moving your damn zomvillagers out the way if you really dont wanna be armourless

you have the materials

you have the opportunities

fucking seize them

=

mr blade: “my sleep schedule is terrible”

my dumb ass, waking up at 10pm on a monday after falling asleep on a 6am the same monday, after not sleeping for 2 days on sunday and saturday: “damn right your sleep schedule is terrible”

i have good self-awareness

=

mr blade: “im not stalling”

proceeds to stall:

• “happy new year! i forgot that happened”

• reads donations

• begins to try and cure his zombie villagers

• makes fun of skeppys “clickbait” title (it is clickbait by the way. the video is not structured like an actual manhunt vid. totally not a technosimp but techno was a fantastic hunter in the skeppy v techno manhunt. yep. techno was v fair about the entire thing go watch it if you havent hes great and skeppy was also there /lh)

• talks about chess

• talks about the Gifted Child™ Syndrome without ever saying the words Gifted Child™ Syndrome

• DONT DISRESPECT CHESS

(hes a fucking athena kid. im fucking TELLING YALL HES AN ATHENA KID and if i have to fucking write a goddamn academically cited paper to prove it with actual fucking receipts i goddamn will)

• even when tommy came on stream, techno immediately proceeded to discuss the Kings Fianchetto opening

• “i dont know what kind of science textbooks youve been reading, but youve spent too much money on them. those are trash. those are TRASH”

exactly mr blade. exactly. see? athena kid. hes smart. he went to college. he knows the score. mmmhmmm. yup. checks out mr. blade

• types “You’re talking sounds” -tommyinnit (genius)

• into the mc chat

• “Tommy, you’re talking words, but the only universal language: is sounds”

IF SBI NON CANON WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS READ AS AN OLDER BRO MAKING FUN OF HIS YOUNGER BRO EXPLAIN MR BLADE

Techno fucking lists out languages that do not have sounds like: sign language, written language, braille

and then fucking thomathy “tommyinnit” minecraft hits us with “and russian”

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FOLKS

RUSSIAN IS A CATEGORY OF NON-SOUND LANGUAGE

=

and for a good few minutes, mr blade and associate tommyinnit talk about crimes and the fbi and using it to farm views. big brain moved here today

(and then tommys alexa turned blue when he said fbi and then they both freaked out it was great)

=

new york-ian

=

mr blade and tommyinnit just IMMEDIATELY trying to pander to new yorkers once they realise the population size. they out here fucking complimenting the statue of liberty (even tho its in new jersey), the empire state building, the bronx, queens, fucking SPIDERMAN

if they arent brothers

why they have this energy

=

prime to tommyinnit

sub to technoblade

yall

my heart

i love these two terrorists so much

(for legal reasons, i am obligated to say that they are video game terrorists please and thank you)

=

tommy, about music he wanna sing: its from nintendo

mr blade: nintendo copyrights EVERYTHING tommy they got like SUPER COPYRIGHT

tommy: well, technoblade, every last one of my videos uses nintendo music

mr blade: DUDE YOURE GOING TO DIE. nintendo will KILL you

=

“new york is not canon in the dream smp universe”

mr technoblade over here just fucking ruining every new yorkers day huh

yall hear that? new york is non canon

=

you want cock to join the revolution

=

tommy out here trying to be intimidating but hes stuttering, knocking himself off of things...

its great

its great

i love their dynamic

=

im spawning the wither, somebody get me my sword

techno “one-liner” blade ladies and gentlemen

=

techno using the wither to vandalise lmanberg is very poggers of him

amazing mr blade

=

tommy is such a delight in this stream

“i dont know this man”

“why would you bring this near me im WEAK im FRAIL im LIKE AN OLD LADY”

thank you mr innit

=

if i had gotten this stream live yall bet your asses i would be chanting “blood for the blood god” with chat

chat is BLOODTHIRSTY

chat is feral

chat is amazing

thank you chat for being the chaotic fucking bastards yall always are

=

“lookit muh muscles. BITCH”

tommy

i love him

=

so last stream, techno and tommy waterboarded a hostage who died by a spider immediately after he was released

THIS stream, techno and tommy waterboard an orphan fox until he cries

good times

=

fundy drowned

ha

canon?

=

wait

i just remembered

FUNDY GOT DROWNED BY HIS UNCLES

TOMMY AND TECHNO ARE FUNDYS UNCLES BRUHHHHHHH

these two fuckers legit said “what if i waterboard my nephew to the point where he drowns”

=

i find it really funny that techno is the one fanon portrays to be this remorseless out of control entity when the entire time during the fundy waterboard torture, techno is the one holding tommy back and saying that hes going to far

and last time, techno is the one chiding philza when philza just casually murders and slaughters his way around the map

bruh

techno has more of a moral compass than fandom gives him credit for

where is my "techno is actually the moral compass of the sbi” fanfic

=

the only dirt we have on dream is his dirt shack amiright? eyyyy hes homeless

techno

techno

so funny

=

“useless, annoying, loud, british. you know. the worst combination” techno says

then he fucking makes tommy weapons, gives tommy the helmet, makes tommy weapons and tools and armour...

yeah. 

=

“i will not rest until that entire country has been completely obliterated for what it did to me and phil, tommy”

ME AND PHIL

ME AND PHIL

technoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

bruhhhh

mr blade please

=

LMANBURG IS MY UNFINISHED SYMPHONY

tommy what the fuck

what the fuck

tommy

tommy

what wait tahgjkjxbglsjbnouafsfv

WAT

=

“you could actually be, dare i say it, a friend” TECHNO

TECHNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BRUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

=

“technoblade ill join you”

ANTARCTIC ANARCHIST COMMUNE POG

YES BITCH

YES BITCH

SBI

SBI

SBI

SBI

SBI

=

“this bodes poorly for the eventual sbi meetup”

shut up

shut the fuck up

i cant handle this

i can handle the dream sapnap meetup conspiracy

but i CANNOT handle the sbi meetup conspiracy

techno please shut up

i cant

dont do me dirty like this man

=

you know how tommy keeps saying that hes weak and shit but like

he fought in wars

he has fucking armour, weapons, potions, gapples

he can hold his own in a fight

do

do you think tommy keeps calling himself weak bc DREAM calls him weak? like. his self-confidence and belief in his abilities is just eroded by dream so tommy thinks hes weak even if he isnt?

=

“we have sand at home”

at home

at home

at HOME

bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

techno literally out here singlehandedly giving me serotonin

=

beak on

=

bless you

=

one of us

one of us

one of us

one of us

one of us

one of us

[strongerwiththepack]

Fab-Five-Feb: Alan

Did I say I was going to write regularly after Whumptober? Um…whoops? Well anyway I felt inspired by @gumnut-logic‘s Fab-Five-Feb challenge, even if I do struggle to write the littlest Tracy. Last minute as per here’s my random addition to this challenge.

“No! You cant!” Alan exclaimed as he entered the lounge, trailing behind a stern-faced Scott.

“This isn’t fair.” He moaned when he didn’t get any response.

Scott turned on him sharply and Alan had to backtrack slightly to look his big brother in the eye. He hardened his face into a glare.

“You can do better than this Alan.” Scott told him, waving a piece of paper in front of him.

“But I got a good score.” Alan pouted. He had taken some mock exams last week and the results had just come in this morning. It was safe to say Scott was not pleased with his efforts.

“You’re a Tracy Alan, I know you can do a lot better than this.” Scott replied stubbornly. “It’s final, you’re off rescues until your grades come up.”

Alan was furious. He had been working so hard to be a part of International Rescue. And what did his grades matter anyway? It’s not like he had to apply for jobs after school. He’d had one since he was 15. “But my scores are already better than Gordon ever got”.

Scott’s stern face slipped slightly as he glanced over Alan’s shoulder with a worried look. Alan turned sharply to see Gordon lying on one of the sofas. He quickly looked away bowing his head in guilt. He shouldn’t have said that.

Scott was angry now. “That’s enough Alan. My decision is final.”

Alan glared at Scott dead in the eye before storming off to his bedroom.

He slammed the door to his room shut and flopped face down on the bed. School sucked. It was boring. He just wanted to be out where the action was.

He heard a faint knock at his door and turned his head to see Gordon peer around the doorway. Guilt started to seep in again when he remembered what he’d said. He just turned away and buried his face back into his pillows.

He felt the bed dip slightly as Gordon sat down next to him and placed a comforting hand on his back.

“I’m sorry” Alan mumbled with his face still pressed into the bed.

“I know.” Gordon replied softly.

Alan sat up and Gordon pulled him into his side.

“Why does Scott expect so much from me?” Alan mumbled quietly.

“He just knows you can do better sprout. I went through the same thing you know?” Alan peered up at his immediate older brother. He knew Gordon had had a hard time with school.

“School never came as naturally for me as it does for you, I never quite reached that Tracy level of academic excellence that everyone expected me to.”

He snorted. “I mean I was following straight after John for Christ sake, Mr. Child Genius himself.”

Gordon sighed. “Teachers would always compare me to Scott, Virgil and John. Bit of a tough act to follow.”

His big brother looked down at him. “I don’t know if you remember but I used to get into a lot of trouble at school.”

Alan did remember. Gordon was always held back and their dad always had to go in to speak to his teachers. There was a lot of shouting in the house back then.

“Dad made me quit swimming for a while you know.” Gordon mused. Alan gave him a confused look, he didn’t remember Gordon ever not doing swimming.

Seeing his confused face Gordon continued. “I still swam recreationally but dad wouldn’t let me compete until my grades came up. It was the biggest thing in the world to me then. I was just getting on track for the Olympics at that age. It felt like dad was taking away the one thing I was best at. I was devastated.”

Gordon smiled sadly. “But he was right. I could do better. I just wasn’t motivated enough. And let me tell you, taking swimming away from me was definitely the right kind of incentive.”

Alan didn’t remember any of this. He knew Gordon had never been as book smart as John but he didn’t think his brother had ever struggled that much. When Gordon was in high school Alan had idolised him. His brother was like a machine. Getting up at 5am to do his morning training and then doing after school practice as well. Even then he still made time to hangout with Alan when he was at home. It’s no wonder he got behind in school.

“It was the worst few months of my life but I worked harder than I ever thought I could and in the end I finished school with good qualifications.”

“Scott’s just trying to do what’s best for you Al.” Gordon reassured and added “You know he secretly wants you to beat John’s scores.”

Alan snorted at that one. “John’s scores are insane.”

“Your scores could be insane too Alan. The only difference between you and John when he was your age is that John studied day and night to get the grades he did.” Gordon squeezed him lightly. “Put in the effort kiddo, I know it’s hard but it’ll be worth it.”

Alan was still upset about being grounded but he could hear the reasoning in Gordon’s words. “Can you help me?”

Gordon grimaced at that one and groaned “Urrggh fine, what are you working on?”

Alan beamed. “Advanced applications of quantum mechanics”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “I can already feel a headache forming.”

Alan bounded off the bed to get his tablet. He felt like he’d been given a new challenge. Beating John’s score? He’d never even thought to try before but maybe he could do it? And maybe Scott would ease up a bit if he knew Alan was putting in the effort.

He’d be back on rescues in no time!

[moonlit-imagines]

It Girl

Steve Harrington/Robin Buckley x fem!reader

warnings:

a/n: nancy whom? (steve is a high school senior and robins a high school junior but steve was never w nancy so he still has junior mentality)

prompt: anonymous: “hi! idk if you have your requests open but could you do something like both steve & robin having a crush on hawkins’s it girl (much like cher horowitz kind of girl) like she is super popular and super classy and stuff! thank you!”

High school was a breeze for you. Top student of your classes, worshipped by the student body, the queen of Hawkins High. And the king was persistent on pursuing you. You were uninterested, all you wanted to was graduate and get accepted into your dream college. You were in all advanced classes, easy peasy. The girl that sat next to you, Robin Buckley, wouldn’t stop staring at you. Weird.

Steve sat on the other side of you, making googly eyes and practically drooling over you. You would merely roll your eyes and chuckle at his efforts.

“Y/N, you can’t laugh it off forever.” Steve told you, placing a note on your desk and exiting the classroom. You opened it up and read the message inside.

Y/N, would you like to go on a date with me?

_yes

_hell yes

How original. The paper was filled with stupid little drawings. Hearts and stars and a little picture of Steve saying “gimme a chance, oh glorious queen of Hawkins High.” Robin stood nearby and noticed the paper.

“What’s that?” She asked quietly. You looked up at her and smiled.

“Oh, hey Robin. It’s nothing, just another one of Steve’s desperate attempts at getting a date.” You told her. Her eyes went wide. “What’s wrong?”

“I didn’t think you knew my name...” She whispered.

“Don’t be silly, of course I do! We’ve been sitting next to each other for half a year.” You patted her shoulder. “And we had Click’s class together. You know, I haven’t gotten to know you well enough, do you wanna get lunch sometime?”

“Oh, uh,” Robin stuttered, “yeah, that’d be great! Saturday?” She suggested.

“Sounds good, I’ll get back to you about where and what time tomorrow in class. See you later!” You gathered your books and headed to your locker where Steve was waiting.

“Make your decision yet?” He asked, leaning against the neighboring lockers.

“It’s been five minutes, Steve. Give it a break.” You opened your locker and switched out your books. “Just accept the fact that being the ‘King and Queen of Hawkins High’ does not mean we have to go out.”

“But it is an added perk.” He winked. “Let me put it in a nicer way: Could I take you out to dinner sometime?”

“That’s better.” You smirked. “I’ll think about it.”

“I’ll be back.” He blew you a kiss and disappeared into the sea of students swarming the halls.

—————

You and Robin met for lunch downtown and you enjoyed getting to know her better. You had a lot in common. Academically, of course. Both talented in your own respects, smart as can be, itching to graduate, you’d be out of there first.

Laughter filled the quiet diner of Main Street, you were happy to have asked Robin to this.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Robin told you, “I never thought the It Girl of Hawkins High would have noticed me, let alone ask me to lunch.”

“Well, I’m glad I did. It’s been truly amazing.” You took a bite of your fry. “I wish we would’ve done it sooner.”

“Maybe we can make this a weekly thing..?” Robin blushed.

“That would be awesome!” You said without hesitation.

“Really?” She asked in disbelief, you replied with a smile and a nod. “By the way, what’s up with Harrington?”

“Oh, yeah. He’s a piece of work.” You chuckled. “Just won’t take no for an answer.” You shook your head and dipped your fries in ketchup.

“Well, I guess he just cant get enough of you.” She took a short sip of her drink. “You’re beautiful, no wonder he won’t quit.”

“Oh, stop it.” You blushed and avoided eye contact.

“I’m serious, y/n! Everything about you is perfect! But just because he’s persistent doesn’t mean you have to go out with him.” Robin said.

“Well...I already agreed on plans. I’ll at least follow through on those and see how I feel afterwards.” You told her. Robin was slightly jealous after hearing that, but she quickly contained herself.

“Sounds good!”

—————

Steve picked you up from your house later that night, collared shirt and khakis. You dressed up even classier than you usually do. He decided to bring you a a nice restaurant, not as nice as Enzo’s, but nice enough for a fancy high school date.

“You look absolutely stunning.” He told you, grabbing your hand and running his thumb along it. “You’re eyes are really pretty.”

“Thanks, Steve,” You smiled, “but you don’t have to keep complimenting me. How about we have an actual conversation about something meaningful?”

“Alright,” Steve shifted to sit up straight and proper, “what colleges are you applying to?”

“Ah, that’s better.” You took a sip of your water. “I’m thinking about Purdue or Dartmouth...”

“Ooh, yeah, I was thinking about Purdue. I’m in the process of writing my admissions essay.” He gave you a smug little smile.

“Well, that’s great. I didn’t take you for a college boy, though.” You shrugged.

“And why’s that?” He asked, leaning forward and propping his elbows on the table.

“I don’t know, it’s just that you don’t really take school all that seriously, you know?” You clicked your tongue and gave him an awkward smile.

“You got me there. I don’t really know what I’m gonna do. I might just go right to work out of high school.” He explained. “Maybe work for my dad.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, do what’s gonna make you happy.” You told him.

Steve and you ordered dessert and told each other stories. You saw a whole other side of Steve, a different person. Steve insisted on paying for dinner, so you insisted on paying for dessert. Steve drove you home and walked you to the door.

“Tonight was really great, hope we can do it again sometime.”

*Depending on the turnout of this fic, I may write Part 2a/2b for different outcomes. TBD.