#why cant SHE tell me to kill myself
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if i woman beamed pmd2 darkrai would yall be mad
#im basically kinda making a new character entirely tbh fjfjfjjfjfjfj#it would just be for my own interpretation of the character#also pls know when i ready the woman beam its bc im annoyed there are so many male characters and i wanna even that out#not bc i love the men but wanna act like i love mostly female characters#i do not like darkrai at alllll actually i just think if he was a woman id be slightly more interested#why are all the darkrai characters in the series interpreted as men anyways. why cant SHE terrorize the town with nightmares#why cant SHE tell me to kill myself#echoed voice
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I'm at the brink of a suicidal breakdown. I've been waiting to get my paycheck from an illustration job I've done last October 2023, I did ask them about it and said that I would get paid on the 27th. It's the 28th and I still don't see any updates on my end. I've gotten my hopes up for so long, every month since and I've burnt the fuck out from waiting.
I've been refraining myself from eating and buy myself stuff like food and toiletries and I've completely ran out of money to survive. I wish i could accept commissions but I haven't been doing great mental and physical wise and I don't have the means to draw other than a few sketches to cheer myself up. I'm completely burnt out.
If you could help spread this around I would appreciate it, every bit helps at least to cover my necessities for a while until I hope to eventually get paid
I'm sorry for asking for donations so frequently I just can't hold on for much longer in this state
Donations and reblogs are appreciated, thank you
#personal#i hate asking for help but the other option rn for my depressed ass is to kill myself and no one wants that#i just dont understand why its taking so long. i already was told ill be paid at the 22nd but then after waiting through the whole weekend#they tell me its supposed to be on the 27th. it was a typo#now its the 28th and i dont even see it#am i really gonna get paid. this is souring my experience working here. i do have a project to work on but all i can think of is dying#my sister helped me out a bit but she cant even do much bc she got out of surgery a few weeks ago and doesnt earn much#she also has rent and gas to cover for her new job#mads if youre reading this thank you for helping me at that low point when she got into the hospital. i owe you so much already#i feel indebted
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why am i having to hold a gun to googles head to show me articles on the long term effects of hormonal birth control on the endocrine system in adult patients who began usage as a teenager
#barks#i just wanna know if having a hormonal iud as a teenager fucked with my shit or not#causeeeeee i switched to copper a few years ago and everything was gucci in the coochie until a bad summer hit#lo and behold i call the gyno and she puts me on nuvaring because my symptoms were a sign of hormonal imbalance#meaning i got my ass fucked up from the first iud. right?#fuck if i know i wish they didnt make it my responsibility and then not actually give a shit as to what really happens#the absolute hell you can go through both on and off of birth control is out fucking rageous#'cool my cramps arent as bad but im a raging bitch i want to rob a bank and i want to kill everyone and then myself'#can you please for more than five fucking seconds think about the actual effects these things have on us that arent 'harder to get pregnant#also never listen to anyone that tells you you cant get your tubes tied and still be able to have children down the line#they always wanna bitch and moan about it but its literally reversible just like a vasectomy. not as easy but still possible!#do we get mad at and blame the kitchen counter when a baby smacks their head against it? no. the baby is at fault#tell me why something i have no control over is the reason i have to bear the cross#instead of the dipshit baby that cause the issue in the first place being at fault?????????????????????#im going to burn this world down i swear to god i hate it more every day#the beauty is evident but the horrors persist#hi if you read all of this
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okay so. so. so okay. just finished season 5 finale (still reeling, mind you) and went headfirst to watching fight the future and uh why did no one tell me.
#LIKE??????????????????? HELLoOO???#like. the msr banter right off the bat#flirting while theres a bomb threat was CRAZY#the breakup... yeowch#the mutual pining...#mulder getting drunk................. like that tells you everything you need to know#ALSO MULDER CURSING???? LIKE WE PG-13 AND SHIT!!!#the syndicate talking about the thing that mulder holds valuable. the only thing he cant live without. and the camera panning to scully#insane. INSANITY.#i was also wondering why they were so starey throughout the film but the... yeah.#also where was diana is she alive#mulder: i need you on this scully scully: you dont need me mulder you never have THE CATRADORAISM I WAS GAGGED#ME THINKING WE WON BY GETTING A FOREHEAD KISS AND A FOREHEAD#BUT THEN. BUT FUCKING THEN!!!!!!!THE ALMOST KISS IM STILL REELING#THAT FUCKING BEE STING OH MYGOD#NAWINDANG AKO#“you saved me” “youve kept me honest” “youve made me a whole person" WHAT IF I JUST KILLED MYSELF#ANYWAYS i know this is thee alien show but GODDAMN THERE ARE ALIENS???#AND THE UFO OH MY GOD I WANT TO BELIEEEEVEEE#them not acknowledging the fact that they almost (definitely) kissed.... it unfortunately tracks#is this film even canon because i caught a glimpse on s6e1 and there was no mention???#anyways. what a film#fox mulder#dana scully#msr#the x files: fight the future#txf: ftf#the x files#txf#kamwashere
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over emotional older sisters and their confused younger brothers who have to deal with them
#omg kiera no one cares#this is about mykah and then also about me because like you cant have a post about mykah with it including me#it really sucks to like watch a kid just live your life really#like hey man it really doesn't get better!!!! I'm sorry!!! at least your parents got divorced tho i told my mom I'd kill myself if she left#i was your age too so like i get it!! hate to tell you this tho but it mostly gets worse and he doesn't really get better unless he goes on#a lot a lot of drugs!#she just started crying this morning and was like I'm just being over emotional like wow I've said that too all the time at that age#mykah is sooo kieracoded and that's why she hates when i tell her anything#we butt heads because she's me<33#I've been thinking about this all day and i just cried lol so#i hope she isn't as bad as me tho because i stood in the kitchen with a knife to me when my mom got divorce INFORMATION#like dubi I'll do it you leave him I'll do it i don't care that he's sooo mean and violent I'll end everything right now at 6½#forgot i did that until just now but wow great times<33#can laugh about it now hahahaha
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MY MANAGER PISSES ME THE FUCK OFFF at work today and she pulls me aside and is like You and other coworker walked right past a customer and i was on the phone and we made eye contact and kind of just laughed about it So please dont do that LIKE GIRL ? WHY R U ACTING LIKE THERES NOT 4 OTHER PEOPLE AROUND MEEE who can serve & also its literally not my fault if i didnt see ONE fucking customer & PEOPLE HAVE VOICES LIKE speak the FUCK up if you want to be served i swear to god they want me to have eyes in the back of my fucking head i dont think any regular human being could work a deli job because its the most stressful fucking thing in the world i am so tired of customers being like you must really get your steps in mf i walk to the bus stop at 6 in the morning to work an 8hr shift which i will be entirely on my feet for and then i walk back to the bus stop and then get on the bus and then walk home like i literally am living a type of hell u Could never comprehend because you cannot comprehend a customer service job .
#text#and AURR IM SICK OF REDACTED WHO IS JUST LIke hehe let me do dishes my whole shift like why not come around the front#bc our manager is watching me like a fucking hawk#im literally soo wish there was some malicious compliance i could play into#but i swear sometimes she goes to ask me to serve AND I AM ALREADY SERVING !#its just constant serving one customer after the other i cannot fucking wait#to quit this motherfucking job and kill myself because i cant take another day of her telling me serve customers or Like#keep my eye out IM SO STRESSED OUT AT THIS JOB ALL THE TIMEEEE#and this man today was trying to play jokes with me but they werent funny so i just kept saying okay#and he was like im just messing with you haha#and ik he felt damn awkward after like yeah u should feel fucking awkward IT WASNT FUNNY & DONT TRY TO JOKE AROUND WITH ME#the way that customers say things to me they think r funny or quirky or cute and im just like okay so what were you after#and then they dont know what to do w me im not here to play arounnd Brother do u want ham or fucking not#valkyrie.txt#also i need to clarify bc apparently in america a deli is something different to in australia#which americans literlaly dont fucking say shit abt it im not in the mood 4 it#its a delicatessen
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i dont even know how to feel my own emotions thanks to my parents
#being sad is so hard for me#bc everytime i was sad or crying they would hit me or yell at me bc how dare i be sad#called ungrateful overdramatic told im embarrassing them completely no regard for how I'M feeling#my feelings were never ever validated never. i could say i wanna kill myself and they would be like okay#just so many memories of being degraded and hit in front of other people. i cant believe so many people and no one said anything did anythi#my only relief from them is when shes on the phone or theres someone else in the house that she doesnt wanna be violent in front of#although i can vaguely remember times when she hit me after getting off the phone but dont remember why#thats why im so good at hearing subtle noises and spotting details#always on high alert mode incase she comes in and sees me on my phone bc god forbid#thats a death sentence lmao#she really made it seem like i was committing a heinous crime bc i was texting or on instagram or watching something#she would beat me SO MUCH AND SO BAD for USING MY PHONE#constantly. from the moment i got it at 11 until i ran away at 17#i had no privacy anywhere not in the house and not on my phone#once she found a text saying to someone that my mom fucked up my day#and she wouldnt shut up about it for months but did she ever actually think ab the text itself#like did she ever consider how she was making us feel treating us likethat#she doesnt give a shit she only does what she thinks is right and fuck everyone else#and the audacity of this woman to be upset i told her to stop texting me bitch ur lucky im not going over there and setting ur house on fir#and the AUDACITY of every relative and mysister telling me TO BE NICE TO HER#it makes me sofucking mad. be nice to her? would u be nice to a nazi ?#telling me to be nice to the woman who has been beating me and degrading me since i was 4#classic abuser behavior lmao . im gonna keep making u miserable but if u say or do anything about it youre a fucking terrible person#and i still feel bad even though i shouldnt#jsut cuz shes older now and weaker doesnt mean shit#its the same woman who did all that and never fucking apologized even#i wish they would leave my head i wish they could just stop existing and my childhood wasnt just bunch of terrible memories#she would belittle all my friends and put ideas in my head that none of them cared about me and they saw me as less#if someone gave me books shed be like oh look theyrenot even new books#🧃
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whenever i hear my mom crying in the other room my suicidal urges go from like 100 to 200 immediately and by god she is ALWAYS crying in the other room
#i know ots just bpd but hearing her cry just feels like shes telling me to go die#like the only way to fix it is to just go die#i wanna kill myself in front of her so bad#i know part of its blood sugar but i really dont want to eat#all i fucking do is eat and look how fat i am because of it. it fucking sucks#like why am i so obsessed with food its so ugly and disgusting. like how i look#i need to develop an eating disorder already ive gotten close before but never really fully managed it#and no im not pro eating disorders or whayever i just cant be fat anymore i need to lose some weight before i fucking kill myself
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My mom just came in my room right after I got home to be like how did it go???? What happened???? When are you going back?? How do you feel??? Are you ok???? What are your hours???? What did they say??? And I know she means well but
#and she gets upset at me when i don't wanna talk#IM SORRY but I've been anxious about this for 3 days#the actual thing took an hour +#I had no idea what to expect going in#even tho my mom was convinced i had already gotten the job (i hadn't)#(i tried to tell her why i was unsure and she was like well im sure you got it!! but i didn't know and i HADNT YET)#YES ive been stressed about not having a job but now im stressed about HAVING a job!!!!#i want to forget it exists before i have to do things!!!!#its like she. doest understand how i cope with things#but ive explained it#and then she intrudes while im coping and gets upset at me getting upset#and talking about it while I'm trying to decompress makes me 50000x more anxious#and then she gets worried about how anxious i am#and then she thinks she needs to check on me more bc my anxiety is worse#but then i dont have a chance to decompress so the anxiety doesn't get better#and i tell her this and shes like i just wanna make sure you're ok#but shes making me less ok!!!!#just now when she came to talk about this she knocked. and actually kinda waited for an answer for once#and i didn't answer. bc i didn't wanna talk#so she COMES IN ANYWAY!!!!!!!#she knew i was in my room. she knew i wasn't sleeping bc i just got home. she just wanted to ask about it#while SHES ALSO WORKING!!!! AND DOESN'T HAVE THE TIME!!!!#idk if i didn't answer the knock on my door doesn't that suggest i dont want to talk???????#and she would say she wants to make sure im ok. which i can't argue with ig. but ive been in the house for 5 minutes#i didn't have time to kill myself. respectfully.#and ive TOLD HER i dont like to talk right after#my mental health is not at a point where i cant be trusted alone in a room for an hour and it NEVER has been#i KNOW shes my mom and she worries and she wants to take care of me i GET IT. but GODDDD!!!!!#anyway.#tw suicide mention
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You get yourself committed one time and then at any sign of being less than perfectly happy and struggling you have people telling you not to kill yourself even though you didn't even say you were going to 🙄
#tw suicide#tw suicidal ideation#mental health#mostly just my sister and mom but fuck they're goddamn annoying about it#tell me one more time not to kill myself and im gonna do it out of spite#my sister told my mom because she was worried about me because shes also depressed and im just like#that doesn't help me quit fucking telling mom when im struggling she just makes it worse. fuck#my sister has older sister trauma i must fix every problem even if i cant because no one can be mad at me#and it pisses me off so bad because i don't need her to fix my shit#i need to be allowed to be mad and upset and not have to worry about your feelings when im not taking it out on you at all#personal#i just want to say i wanna die without it being a big deal because its not#its just my life and some days i really wanna end it all but most of the time im being hyperbolic#like. im the autistic one why is she struggling to understand i dont mean it
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sometimes i do want to pull my instruments out and try to dust my skills off but i cant. bc if i get accused of goldbricking for my ability to play a video game and have my housing threatened on a regular basis for it im certain i cant be doing things like making music or being happy. it is so so important that i get out of here bc there is literally nothing to do but eventually kill myself. and theres no way out except possibly into some worse hands who will much quicker be on the same casually cruel shit and then some
good thing i'm such a hedonist who hates pain, it'll at least take until its no longer possible to derive small pleasures
#something that should be happening that i really really really need is someone to come to my home and vaccinate me#if they wont treat the executive dysfunction i really need that plague fear barrier to going outside eased a bit. and having to go somewher#to do that means it just might never happen. bc as im always saying theres no help available.#i could tell my mother i need help and i will be told to do it myself. like she thinks im so stupid i cant figure out that i#need to place a call. its a combination of her being that dumb but more so her unwillingness to help#why should she? she has a version of reality in her mind that makes her the victim. when she created two people and doomed us to suffer#time and time again. decisions that will negatively affect us for our whole lives and she is remorseless.#bc if she did something it was the right thing to do. thats her moral code#KILL ME
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i miss my dad i want him instead
#i didnt want to move out before tonight#i never want that to happen ever again#it hurt me so bad#it made me feel so awful#and i know she wont apologize#she acted like it never happened five minutes after the fact#how is that supposed to make me feel#why doesnt she care#im not even allowed to feel bad shell just “oh so you want me to kill myself” about it#why doesnt she see how fucking damaging that is#especially when you say it to your fucking kids#so fucking often#but if i tell her to go to therapy shell “oh so you want me to kill myself” about it#what the fuck am i supposed to do#i was never meant to manage this#that shouldnt be my job#but it has to be because shes too fucking incapable#why cant she be more capable for me
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WHYDIDNT HE JUST TAKE THE FUCKING 7 YEAR DEAL!?!?!?!?!?!??!!!!!!?!?!?
#AAAAAAAAAAAAJGMJSNFJSJSIAKKAJDJ!!!!!!!!!!!!#like!!! i get it ok i get it!!!!!#he fessed up to everything so he could have some fucking semblance of a clear conscience#and he confessed in front of kim so he could get some sort of validation?????? or forgiveness from her??????#but 86 fucking years???????#it wont fucking matter if hes on good behavior hes there for tje rest of his life#and yeah kim probably visits#but shes a fucking unhappy housewife to a man named glenn who says yup! yup! durimg sex?????#and jimmys stuck in a fucking cell the rest of his life#i fucking refusseeeeee dude#whyyyyy didnt he take the 7 years i will mever get over this im an emotional wreck ommfggg#theyll never be with each other ever again#now i fucking understand why i see everyone on here saying shit like#they have their own house..... theyre living together and theyre happy u cant tell me otherwise#bc that will never happen!!!!#what if i killed myself!!! lol!#anyways#sorry. jesus#yes this is about#better call saul
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Sat down to have a chat with my cousin before he flies home tomorrow to his wife, just cause I was anxious that she would try to twist it against me if she talked to him first, I explained my side of what the interaction was and the blatant lies she claimed, and he's not at all surprised and in fact is already planning on getting a paralegal when he gets home to start getting her the fuck out of his life
Me last night: hmm maybe I want another tattoo, I'm going to start talking to this artist *sends message*
My cousins wife: *sends an incredibly hostile message about how I've been ignoring her and she's gone above and beyond for me trying to be supportive of me, when in reality she hasn't texted me first since November and when I text her, she's very short with me and makes no effort to continue a conversation with me*
"Yeah hi, artist? Make that three tattoos"
#kee speaks#i wasnt expecting to hear he was already considering divorce but pleasently surprised#i am a-ok with that#especially after chatting with a friend today who has interacted with her too and my friend reminded me of some other shitty things she did#cause holy fuck#on another way less positive note: my grandma also sprung on me today a discussion on grief and where she believes my sister is#and she repeated something that ive heard her say before and it infuriates me SO MUCH#like she's very spiritual in a non-religious way and believes in tarot and astrology and all that#but she keeps saying that she believes that my sister had finished her purpose in our lives#and that has been the most hurtful thing i have ever heard#cause no!! why the absolute ever living FUCK would someones purpose be to kill themself??#what purpose does that serve in any of our lives??#she keeps repeating it like it helps her but it makes me want to smash something#she gets so misguided about things- she says things without actually thinking it through#and it always throws me off so bad that i cant even explain how wrong what she just said is#like the day my grandpa died she told my cousin that if him and his ex had to figure out a custody plan#that he should only take his sons and leave his daughter with his ex- which i presume she said because she figures#that the girl will turn out like her mother (abusive)- we were all so shocked she would say that that we didnt know how to respond#also when i subtly tried to bring up the whole transgender thing to test the waters to see how she'd react to me#it makes me want to scream#like she comments how she doesnt understand choices my mom makes#my mom isnt anything like my grandma and I'm nothing like my mom either-#so why would you immediately presume that your great granddaughter would be anything like her mother#yes some stuff runs in the family but telling your grandson to abandon his daughter because the woman he married turned out to be awful???#just sounds like a guaranteed way to make sure she DOES end up like her mom by leaving her solely under that womans guardianship#thankfully my cousin isnt dumb enough to agree with her logic#I'm so fucking fired up today everything is making me mad and stressed out#tomorrows going to be a long ass day but I'll be able to dawdle my way home and i can take myself to the bookstore and get some bubble tea#so im gonna fucking treat myself tomorrow#still waiting to confirm the tattoos on saturday but fingers crossed that still happens
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Danny and Damien are twins au, but a slightly redeemed vlad makes Danny the CEO of Vlad Co and DALV and all his other shell companies. Danny is danny, he got pushed into this against his will and is very overwhelmed by CEO duties, so he reaches out to one of his father's sons, Timothy Drake-Wayne, for advice
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So, danny definitely knows his heritage in this au. He was the spare to Damien's heir, and while their relationship was strained by the constant competition, they still love each other, even when Danny started to show more proficiency in infiltration and subterfuge than assassination. Damien and Danny have a huge fight before Danny leaves, with Damien swearing to never forgive Danny for his betrayal, while Danny is like "what betrayal??? I just cant bring myself to kill someone outside of self-defense??"
(One of the things I hate about Danny and Damien Twin AUs is this depiction that, just because (usually) Danny is unwilling to kill, that makes him weak and a traitor. You think the medical staff in the LoA are assassinating people? Or the lawyers? He's not useless, he's just not good as an assassin)
He was sent to the Fentons at like... seven? eight? to study how the Fentons are purifying lazurus waters from Jack and Maddie, both of whom are partly sponsored by the League of Assassins. He's also learning more about spying from Jack, surprisingly, because no one would expect him of being a top tier spy. He has the occasional mission as a child, but it's mostly shadowing Jack to learn how to spy.
Danny sends letters to both Talia and Damien regarding updates on his training and the Fenton's research, but after a year of no reply from Damien, it's only to Talia. He's feels super hurt by this, and abandoned by the LoA, but the Fentons are kind and familial, and Talia visits once a year. She's unwilling to risk visiting more often, lest she risk getting the JL or the Spiders attention, but sometimes she even manages to visit on his birthday!
(Meanwhile, Talia starts sending birthday assassins to kill Damien so she can spend their birthday with Danyal. She's a really hot and cold mom.
Talia: You can choose me, and have a birthday dinner. Or you can choose your father and have a birthday assassin. You're choice. )
When Slade blows up the LoA, Danyal is given permanent orders to remain as Daniel Fenton until Talia, and only Talia, brings him back to the League. No missions and only one letter every six months. But when Ra's comes back to life and the League is back in power, Talia... never tells Danyal. Because she's seen how happy Damien is being a normal child with their father and wants that for Danyal too. Plus, she wants to continue to have a good relationship one of her children, sue her bruce.
So Danny is completely convinced that the League is mostly gone other than his mother, her zealots, and knows that his brother is living with their father. and he's... relieved. His brother is safe, and his mom told him their grandfather was avenged, so Danny can just enjoy his life. Which he does.
He sends out his six month report days before the portal accident.
Canon stuff happens until Danny is sixteen and Vlad, the fruitloop, steps down as CEO and strong-arms Danny into becoming CEO in his place. Jack and Maddie (who at this point know [or have always known in Jack's case, adn Danny didn't appreciate his dad using his his poker face against him like that] about Phantom) are thrilled.
Vlad is using his "foster son" (Dark Danny, but in this idea, he's Dante Masters) as an excuse as to why he's stepping down, since Dante needs all the attention he can give as a "troubled youth". Danny secretly hopes Dante kills Vlad in his sleep, but signs the papers away.
And there's so much work.
Danny has some idea of what he's doing (Vlad co is a tech company and DALV is weapons manufacturing, plus vlad gave him a crash course on CEOing). Sam and Tuck even help! But he wishes there was someone who could understand the pain of being a CEO while still a teen. But... his father's son, his brother, is one such person. And even though the other would never know, he really wanted to get to know his other siblings. So Danny reaches out for advice to Timothy Drake-Wayne.
Tim is immediately on guard when this Damien clone walks into his office claiming to be the new Vlad Co CEO. The clone acts nothing like Damien, but he still thinks this Danny Fenton is a league plant.
His paranoia doubles when Damien freaks out and confesses that A) Danny is apparently his twin brother and B) that he's been with the League of Assassins this whole time. Damien, who really doesn't want to admit that the reason he forced himself to forget his brother was because said brother didn't want to kill people, says "Tch. I didn't want to associate with the likes of him, so I put him out of my mind." Tim now believes that he's dealing with a master assassin with a huge grudge against Damien and Danyal showing no signs of malicious or aggression in their meetings only convinces him that Danyal is a master actor too.
Which, Danyal is a master actor. But all that other stuff is just Tim reaching.
#dc x dp#dp x dc#dp crossover#dc crossover#danny and damian are twins#for some reason explain danyal's backstory was really important to me#c: danny fenton#c: damien wayne#c: talia al ghul#c: tim drake#talia can be a brainwashed mom trying to do the best for her kids and be cold and calculating#she has the range#this au is all about the batfam freaking out about the LoA having control over these massive companies#and meanwhile Danny is having the time of his life getting to know his adoptive brother#and saving the environment with Vlad's companies#tim constantly takes the most innocent comments from danny as evil threats#danny compliments tim's family and tim nearly lunges across the desk to strangle him
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Music To Watch Girls To
Clarisse La Rue x Fem!Demigod!Reader
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sypnosis: is it wrong to be obsessed with clarisse? obviously not!!
a/n: i cant just write a drabble what is wrong w me it’s always gotta be a full fledged fic damn anyways i don’t like this one that much so don’t crucify me, but i hope you all enjoy!!
Music To Watch Boys To - Lana Del Rey
warnings: FRIENDS TO LOVERS GOOD LORD, all clarisse know is be mean to her friends, like girls, and lie, reader is a little insane this time…., it’s not watching clarisse train bc i got struck with inspo but you all will like it dw, there’s still muscles and watching clarisse fight, swearing, violence, mentions of weapons, reader is an honorary ares cabin member bc i think it’s cute and i do what i want, y/n gets hurt like 20 times ITS FOR THE PLOT OK, kissing!!!!, like angst for half a sec not rly tho, tell me if i missed anything!!
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The only word you think of when you think of Clarisse is fuck.
It describes your feelings about her so accurately. The first time you saw her, you knew you had to have this girl. And the first time you heard her talk, she was calling some Hephaestus kid a dumbass for not fixing a dent in her armor correctly.
She was an asshole, a bully, whatever, and she was also the hottest thing you’ve ever seen. But, thank the Gods you became close friends with her brother Matty, and then Carrie, and then you practically knew everyone in the Ares cabin like your own siblings.
Even just friendship with Ares kids is an intense rollercoaster.
They admired your for your deadly skill with a bow, a few of them even openly claiming you were probably the best at camp. They were loyal and fierce, protective, funny and everything you could want in a replacement family. Your mortal parent went down a dark road after your godly parent went back to Olympus, and you had never felt that love that everyone craved.
Clarisse hated you at first, like she does everyone, until one day at the bonfire you were sitting with her and a few of her siblings, the fire was hot and it was never the same. You still remember her eyes on you, feeling intoxicated under the moon. Besides, the nights are made for secrets.
And it became a tradition.
You would look at each other next to the fire, and never speak of it again.
The rest of the time, she was like any friend. That same loyalty, focus, but sometimes you could swear she seemed to look a little longer.
After the arrival of Percy Jackson, Clarisse was especially on edge. She was supposed to be training, but she was instead sulking and ranting to Matty and Carrie.
“And he really thinks he killed that Minotaur? Doesn’t matter. That’s what everyone else thinks.”
“Talking about the new kid?” you ask, sitting on top of the picnic table next to their cabin.
“Oh, yeah,” Carrie mumbles. “Talking all about the new kid.”
Clarisse stops her angry pacing to send her a harsh glare.
“He’s just a baby, Clarisse.”
She slams her hand down on the table next to you, pointing her finger in your face.
“He’s a liar,” she hisses. “I’m gonna make him admit it.”
“Hm, okay,” you say, pressing her foot against her stomach and pushing her back. “And that’s totally logical. But have you considered that he actually killed the Minotaur?”
“I’ll punch you.”
“Oh, you love me, Clarisse,” you smile, sweeping your arms out in a big circle. “I’m the brightest part of your day.”
She glares at you.
Matty coughs to hide a laugh.
“Just ignore him!” you say. “I don’t get why you’re so obsessed over him anyways.”
“I’m not explaining myself to you,” she huffs, stubborn as ever.
“Okay, Clarisse,” you say, drawing out the words.
You miss Carrie and Matty shooting each other looks.
—-
Chiron announces the next capture the flag game later that day, and the next morning you’re heading off to the Ares cabin with your bow and armor in tow.
You walk in. They’re all adjusting their armor, polishing their weapons. A few smile at you and wave, but you head straight towards the back. Clarisse is there, helping some of her younger siblings pick out weapons from the secret weapons stash the Ares kids have curated over the years.
It’s Danny’s first game. He’s only twelve.
She looks up at you for a moment, which is about as much acknowledgment as you’re gonna get. You sit at the end of someone’s empty bed, right next to Danny.
“How you feelin’?” you ask. His face is twisted into a stone cold mask.
“Excited,” he says, like he practiced it in the mirror.
“Well, I’m scared.”
He looks at you and frowns.
“You’re the best archer in camp. Matty says so.”
You shrug. “I may be the best archer, but I’m nowhere near the best fighter.”
He nods, thinking hard like the whole world is suddenly starting to make sense.
“Hey, if I promise to keep a look out for you from the trees- will you watch out for me on the ground?”
He doesn’t need your assurance. He’s a child of Ares, they’re prebuilt with the lust for battle. But you know how to play all of them like a fiddle. They like feeling important, and he’s only twelve. It doesn’t hurt you to give this to him.
You stick out your hand and he grabs it.
“Deal.”
“Deal.”
“Y/N,” Clarisse says. You realize she’s been standing there for a while. “Are you here to distract everyone or for a reason?”
“You know, I would welcome you into my cabin warmly.”
Her face remains stone cold. Danny runs off. Clarisse can be some sort of halfway nice, but rarely, and most of the time everyone just knows her cruel words, her ruthless tactics in battle, and her misleading words and smiles.
“You’re no fun,” you pout.
“You’re the one who sticks around. No one’s holding you hostage- you can leave.”
“I need a dagger.”
“Oh,” she says, blinking. “Wow, you actually came here for something? What happened to yours?”
“Broke,” you shrug. “The handle fell off. Weird, whatever.”
She hums, looking through the daggers hung on the wall. “This one.”
She hands it to you. It’s similar to your old dagger, except a lot sharper and a lot more sturdy. But it’s the same style you’re used to. You wonder if she knows that or not- Ares kids do notice everything.
But for Clarisse to actually do something like that with intention is rare.
“I like it,” you say. “Thanks!”
She hesitates for a second.
“Keep it.”
You look at her. “I can give it back.”
“I already told you to keep it. Don’t be pathetic and make me reassure you.”
“Okay, Clarisse,” you roll your eyes.
—-
Your position on capture the flag is always the same.
Carrie, Matty and Clarisse hunt in the woods on the ground, and you get thrown up into some random tree to shoot arrows at anyone you see.
The idea is, they see the arrow coming from up above and look to the trees, only for Clarisse, Matty and Carrie to ambush them on the ground.
It’s only the third game you’ve employed this tactic, so the blue team is starting to catch on.
After Chiron gives his speech you could probably say yourself, you head over to the three of them, holding your arm out to Matty and the red bandana. He ties it around without saying a word, Carrie reaches over and scolds you for not tying your armor tight enough.
“Blah, blah, blah,” you say. “I’ll live.”
“Yeah,” Carrie snorts. “Because I fixed it.”
“Shush,” Clarisse hisses. She finishes talking to a few more of her siblings, and they take their companies off into the woods. She turns back around. “I have a different plan today.”
Carrie and Matty grin dangerously.
There’s something in between the three of them, some sort of matching glint in their eyes.
“Okay, did I miss something? Why are you guys being so… scary?”
“You’ll see,” Clarisse says, her eyes dark.
Gods, it’s the hottest thing you’ve ever seen.
—-
The great thing about being up in the trees is you get to see everything.
You get to see the way Clarisse grins while she fights, the way she whips her spear around like it weights nothing, the way sweat forms at her brow- and the way her muscles flex. That’s the best part.
Her arms, her legs, her stomach, every part of Clarisse is just lean and toned muscle.
It makes you want to betray yourself in a way that would permanently embarrass you.
You follow them, of course, even though you have no idea what the hell is happening or what the plan is. There’s a reason she’s not telling you the plan. Why?
When you walk past the woods where you normally hunt, you start getting fidgety.
“Ok, guys, seriously. Tell me what’s going on.”
You realize you’re heading towards the side of the big hill, starting the climb up through the trees and rocks.
Clarisse turns around.
“Stop. Worrying.”
You grit your teeth. “I’m not worried. I’m just confused.”
She sighs, signaling to Carrie and Matty.
“You know,” she mutters. And they leave, so it’s just the two of you.
They spit up, making their way on the farthest two ends, all leading to the same ledge.
She grabs your wrists. “Stop cracking your fingers. It’s annoying, and you’ll hurt ‘em.”
“Then tell me what’s going on.”
She lets go of one of your wrists, but keeps her tight grip on the other, forcing you to keep pace behind her.
“I’m not gonna tell you again, Y/N. Don’t worry. I’m not going to put you in danger, obviously.” She laughs, as if the idea is ridiculous. “You’re a damn good archer.”
“Oh, my Gods. Did you just compliment me?”
She tenses up, finally realizing she did it.
“D-don’t let it go to your head.”
“Oh, I won’t. It will just be our little secret, won’t it?”
You bite your lip as you smile so you don’t burst out laughing.
“Sure,” she mutters, and you don’t miss the way she stares at your lips. She clears her throat, finally letting go of your wrist. “Percy Jackson-”
“Who’s a baby.”
“-attacked us last night.”
You raise an eyebrow, walking next to her. “Did you attack him first?”
She doesn’t answer that.
“I doubted you would join us. I just didn’t want you to be alone in the woods.”
“Why?”
“Hm, I saw Annabeth as we left the bathrooms. She knows, she knows we’re gonna get revenge so Luke’s gonna go straight for the flag because we’re not in the woods.”
“So you’re just sacrificing the entire game for revenge? Against a 12-year-old?”
“Revenge,” she mutters, thinking over it. “That’s a fun word.”
She smiles, looking at you.
“Oh, Gods,” you mutter.
—-
The rest of the walk continues in silence, until you can see Carrie and Matty in the distance, both waiting for Clarisse’s signal. She grins.
“Now, why don’t you just stay behind me and draw an arrow, and tell me if anyone’s coming. And when he’s distracted, you’ll sneak around behind him and block him from escaping, hm?”
You look around the forest. “Okay. But, Clarisse-”
She smacks her hand over your face. “I don’t need your morality right now. I just need you to keep those pretty eyes open and be our lookout.”
“Fine,” you hiss as you throw your hand off her mouth.
“Thank you,” she smiles, sarcastically. “Was that so hard?”
You mock her under your breath, but she signals to Carrie and Matty. They all start walking forward, trying for stealth, but your feet make sink into the gravel. He hears them. He sits up.
You don’t know anything about Percy Jackson, except for the fact he supposedly attacked the three musketeers you call your friends and possibly killed a Minotaur.
True to your word, you stay behind Clarisse, watching as she lifts her helmet off, throwing it to the ground.
Her spear sinks into the dirt.
“Flag’s that way,” Percy says. “It’s not here.”
“We know.”
You start walking out from behind her. His eyes flick between all four of you.
“Yeah, glory’s fine.” You can feel her eyes on you. “Revenge is more fun.”
She looks up at her spear, slamming it down, and you hear the familiar crackle as it lights up. Red hot electricity.
She laughs a bit.
He scrambles for his sword and spear, forgoing his helmet. They close him in. You walk around Carrie and behind him. His eyes move between you and Clarisse, but there’s nothing he can do to stop the four of you from surrounding him.
“No maiming. It’s like the one rule.”
His stance isn’t even close to correct.
“Yeah, I guess I’ll lose dessert privileges for a while,” she fake frets, looking up at her spear. She smiles and looks back at him. “I’ll live.”
Her face twists into a mask of focus and she swings out at him. He manages to dodge her first hit, and block the second with his shield.
She looks at Carrie and Matty. They lunge forward, attacking him together, and he certainly is a demigod- he has a natural talent.
But you can only really focus on the way she lifts her spear back over her head.
She grunts and spins, shocking him, before jabbing forward at his armor, making him fall back over the log he used to be laying on, right at your feet.
“I’m actually not interested in maiming or killing you, believe it or not,” she says, standing over him. “I just want you to admit you’re a fraud. It’d make me feel better. Are you feeling up to that yet?”
The way she holds her spear, the way she says it’ll make her feel better- you miss the way he swings out with his shield, hitting you in the shins.
“Fuck,” you hiss, leaning down to touch your burning leg. “Oh, fuck, that hurt.”
Percy grunts and takes off running.
“Y/N,” Matty says, a silent question in his concerned voice.
“I’m fine,” you mumble, shaking your leg out.
Clarisse glares at his retreating figure.
“I guess he has a fucking death wish,” she whispers, voice full of a deadly promise.
She grunts and launches herself over the log, Carrie and Matty following. You straighten yourself and take off running after them. You leg does burn, but you still manage to keep pace. Besides, Matty is already far ahead, surprising him and knocking him down from the path, making him tumble through the woods and land on the beach.
Matty and Carrie wave their swords at him from the right. He pants and breathes heavily, backing up, but when he turns around to run- Clarisse is there.
You draw your bow again, out of habit.
The arrows you use aren’t actual arrows of course, but filed down to little circle rocks at the end. They won’t kill you, but they fucking hurt.
You can’t help but giggle as he falls onto his back, scared just by Clarisse being there.
She laughs too, before all three of them launch into an attack.
They push him back, towards you, and you step back with them, waiting for the perfect moment.
But your eyes drift up to Clarisse. She’s hanging back for just a second while Matty and Carrie jab at him. She looks… proud. She looks really fucking proud that you’re laughing at this 12-year-olds misery.
But Clarisse was right. Revenge is fun. And you hate it, but you can’t stop it.
You smile back at her, and it’s like those nights at the bonfire, you know you’ll never speak of it again. It doesn’t matter. Right now, there’s angelic music playing in your head, and you’re watching her. You’re watching her, the sweat on her brow, the way her hands clasp her spear.
Her face twists into something else.
“Y/N!” she shouts, but Carrie and Matty pushed him too far, you didn’t move back enough- distracted by her- and you slam into each other, a tangle of limbs and metal.
He does this awkward sort of flip over you, landing a few feet behind you. You drop your bow in favor of catching yourself, and it gets caught on his shield and dragged along with him.
It’s a blur, you yelp as you go down, Percy groans.
They’re all standing there, tense and watching the way Percy stands up with your bow in his hands. His stance is nowhere near correct, it actually makes you cringe more than your bruised side after the fall.
Why the hell are you the one who keeps getting hurt?
Percy let’s out a breath. “Why don’t we all just walk away and forget this happened?”
“You just made that impossible,” Clarisse hisses.
You just want to get an ice pack on your leg and sit down. You’re tired. You want to boss Clarisse around as payment for bringing you here.
“Okay, okay, just stop. This is stupid, all of you. He’s, like, 12. He didn’t do it on purpose, you’re just attacking him for no reason.” Carrie and Matty look at the ground. Clarisse glares at you.
You turn around and face Percy. “Just go, okay.”
He looks between you and Clarisse.
“O-okay,” he breathes.
You can feel her move, hear her footsteps in the sand, her spear cutting through the wind. She comes around you, and Percy gets scared, so he raises up the bow and let’s it go- pointed straight at her face.
But it never hits her. It hits you, of course, because you have the worst luck in the world.
It hits you right in the chest, and it doesn’t kill you, but Percy is strong and it knocks the wind out of you.
Clarisse throws her spear to the ground and catches you, screaming your name at the top of her lungs.
Gods, this was so stupid. All of it. He didn’t mean to hurt you, he meant to stop her from attacking him. Because Clarisse is bloodthirsty. She cares about no one else but herself.
You were stupid to think she ever did.
But even through all of this, everyone treating you like a rag doll, you stare into Clarisse’s eyes. She’s frozen. She’s watching the rapid rise and fall of your chest, she’s watching the way you press your hand into your chest, trying to breathe, she’s looking at the fear in your eyes.
You’re terrified. And Clarisse looks the exact same way you feel.
You mouth her name.
Carrie and Matty are gathered around you, telling you to just breathe, take a breath in, but you can’t.
Clarisse let’s go of you and ignores your hands trying to hold her back, ignores Carrie warning her.
Oh, Gods, you’re in love with her and she’s just your friend, but it all hurts and you just need her right now.
Percy tries to scramble away from what he’s done, but Clarisse grabs him by his shirt and holds him up.
You think she’s actually going to kill him- then the conch sounds.
You all turn around.
The blue team runs to the beach, sticking the red flag into the ground. They all cheer loudly, Luke and Chris at the center of it.
Clarisse throws Percy back down on the ground.
She picks up your bow. Matty helps you stand up, you can breathe now, and you’re really fine. You just couldn’t for a minute. You don’t look at Clarisse, even though you want to.
—-
The four of you end up at the sword practice field, sitting on picnic tables like you did that one day.
Matty touches a few scratches on his arms from where he burst through the woods, scraping himself on something thorny.
Clarisse walks towards a dummy and starts attacking it. She lets all her anger out on it. They didn’t win, and her revenge is incomplete so, its not even worth it. You could have told her that from the beginning, but whatever.
Clarisse can do whatever she wants. She doesn’t listen to you, she doesn’t care about you- not as much as you want her too. Not as much as you care about her.
She’s so wonderfully in her element it makes you want her more. This is where she belongs, in the field in the sun, with her spear in her hands. She belongs here, where she feels closest to her father and farthest away from her responsibilities, from the constant battle it is for her to keep her emotions in check.
Even after a minute of her obliterating the dummy, she seems better. Finally, after another minute, she slows down until she stops.
You don’t stop looking at her until she turns around and looks at you. She breathes out.
“Are you okay?” she asks, sitting down on the opposite end of the bench.
“Fine. Just got the wind knocked out of me.”
She hums.
“C’mon, Matty,” Carrie says. “Let’s go back to the cabin, I’m thirsty.”
You’re not ready to get up yet, you’re too comfortable here on the bench, it’s too easy to breathe in the valley.
Clarisse flexes, stretching her spear over her head, and you watch her. Of course you watch her. You don’t think you’ll ever just be able to look at her in passing- you’ll always have to focused, you’ve always have to have your eyes totally and completely on her.
Like she’s some book you have to study. Like she’s all you’ve ever wanted to look at.
“Stop staring at me, weirdo,” she mumbles.
You sit up straighter. “I’m not. You’re just flexing dramatically all over the place, of course I’m gonna take notice of it.”
“Okay, sure,” she taunts, and you remember what happened, you remember how you felt when she walked away from you to continue with her revenge.
“I-I’m gonna go back to my cabin.” You don’t wanna be around her, not right now at least. “See you later, Clarisse.”
She stands up immediately. “I’ll walk you.”
“No, thanks, it’s fine.”
“Y/N, you got hurt because of me.” She crouches down and tugs up your pant leg. “How’s your leg? Your side?”
Matty, Carrie and Clarisse too, sometimes, are always touching you and doing things for you. It’s sweet. They aren’t good with the words, but they show you they love you, and that means more than anything else.
If she hadn’t done what she did, if she really cared about you, then you wouldn’t mind her touching you like this. You would love it.
“Clarisse- get off of me,” you shake your leg out, which hurts a bit, but she lets go and stands up.
Her face twists into one of anger, her fists clenched.
“I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry you got hurt. I feel really bad about it, so just let me do this for you.”
“It’s not about that,” you mumble, cursing yourself and hoping she doesn’t hear you. Of course she does.
“Then what’s it about?”
You try to turn away, but she clamps her around your wrist and tugs you back towards her.
“What’s it about, Y/N?”
She holds your hand to her chest.
You both know what it’s about.
“Just stop, Clarisse,” but your body betrays you and you make no move to push her away. She notices, of course she notices, and she pulls you closer. “We’ve been dancing around each other for months.”
She blinks and her grip on your wrist loosens.
“And it was fun. It was a fun game, okay, Clarisse. But you can stop playing it now. You showed me today that your care more about yourself then you ever could me. I’m sick of it.” You tug your hand away. “I’m so sick of it, Clarisse.”
She grips you tighter again.
“What the hell are you talking about? I’m running around looking like a fool, and you think I care about myself? You think I don’t care about you?”
Your breath is a little shaky again.
“You could have helped me and you chose revenge.”
“For you.”
“What?”
“He slammed his shield into your leg, knocked you over, and then shot you in the chest. Of course I wanted revenge. Not for me, it was about that at first, but then, Gods, did you do something to him?”
You laugh. She smiles, staring at your face like she’s seeing you for the first time.
“Like, he just kept coming after you, I don’t get it. But I… I like you. Like, like you. And I don’t know what that means, but I don’t really care. I just… want you. I want to be near you all the time. And I go crazy when you’re with someone else. I want to touch you all the time, hug you, hold you… I want to kiss you so bad I think I’m gonna fucking explode.”
Fuck is always the first word you think of when you think of her. It used to be because she made you so angry with the secrets, but now it’s just the things the says make you wonder how much more you can fall in love with her.
“Well, I don’t really want you to explode,” you roll your eyes. “That’d be too messy. Besides, I-”
“You’re always such a fucking worrier.”
She plants her hands on your face and presses her lips to yours. You can feel the slight desperateness she won’t say, but she’ll tell you with her body. You can feel everything she won’t show, won’t say. How beautiful you are. How scared she was. How much she wanted you and for how long.
You feel it all just by her lips, and you can’t help but wonder what more she can tell you.
She pulls back and smiles.
“If you tell anyone about this, I’ll deny it.”
“I’m the light of your life, Clarisse.”
“Yeah,” she agrees, grabbing you tighter and kissing you again. You grab onto her arms, smiling. You always wondered what he muscles would feel like against you.
There’s only one word to describe the way it feels.
Fuck.
—-
clarisse when she accidentally told y/n she has pretty eyes: PLEASE DONT NOTICE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
y/n my ladybug not noticing: 🧍♀️
—-
y/n and clarisse just being insane together WDYM YOURE LAUGHING WHEN A KID FALLS OVER STOP
—-
clarisse: bitch stop WORRYING
y/n: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME SHUT UP
—-
clarisse and y/n both pretending that clarisse giving her a dagger wasnt literally a declaration of love and also clarisse throwing her spear down to catch y/n???? bitch she’s in LOVE
—-
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