#why am i talking more to my cousins gfs than to them??

[violatordyke]

HATE my cousins and atp they are either homophobic or just crazy rude bc wdym you haven't said a single word to my partner in 4 entire years

[cinnamonspicewritingroom]

More Than Diamonds

Pairing: Prince Friedrich x Princess! Reader Description: Britain has gained themselves a new royalty nearing the debutante ball of 1813. Princess Amelia of Siam was sent as the new Ambassador of Siam. In Britain Princess Amelia was able to find her family, but will that be all? Tags: Slow burn, Coming of age, Time-Travel, Back to the past, Friends to Lovers, Royalties, Oblivious!FLxObvious!ML, Jealous! Friedrich, Slightly Possessive! Friedrich, Black cat gf, Golden retriever bf Timeline: S1&S2

Chapter 8: Put-on-a-show kinda girl

This was it, the start of the social season and the day her cousin, Daphne Bridgerton is going to debut in front of the Queen of Great Britain, Queen Charlotte. While the actual presentation is not going to start in several hours, as the Queen has promised, Amelia is going to see the procession of the debut and has sent a carriage to pick her up as a guest. Amelia will also be introduced as the Ambassador and Princess of Siam making her an official guest of the country. 

“Princess Amelia.” Amelia saw Queen Charlotte walking toward her with open arms. Behind her was her ladies-in-waiting and Brimsley in tow. Amelia quickly curtsied to the Queen. 

“Hello, your Majesty. You look magnificent today, just like any day. The Palace too is beautiful as always.” She smiled at the ladies-in-waiting who curtsied at her and Brimsley who bowed his head. 

“You look perfect.” The Queen took her face on both of her hands, turning her face around before stepping back to see her whole attire, nodding in satisfaction. 

“I am glad you are here, child. Come now,” Amelia nodded and quickly walked beside Queen Charlotte as she was explaining the set up and decorations of the Palace today. 

***

After being toured around the Palace, the Queen brought Amelia to the room where the debut will begin. At first Amelia was about to be placed next to the Queen on the podium, but then she explained how that will not be good for her image as she is here only to observe and to be introduced as guest, therefore she came up with another alternative after all the debutantes are done. 

“... Rather than them introducing themselves to me, I am here as a guest of Great Britain, so I should introduce myself to them. I will do that after all the debutantes get their chance.” The Queen hummed as she contemplated, but then her mouth started to form a cunning smile. 

“Well then, Princess Amelia. You better put on your best show today as the representative of Siam.” Amelia chuckled. 

“Fortunately disappointment does not exist in my dictionary.” She smiled at the Queen. 

As now she will actually be introduced in the crowd and not to simply be mentioned, she needs her formal Siamese clothes. She cannot represent Siam wearing a westernised gown. Amelia quickly checked on her wrist watch, there were still a good one and a half hours and fortunately based on protocols she always kept extra clothes in the carriage. 

Amelia quickly told Lynn on the change of plan. Lynn told her it is okay as she already did her hair and makeup, so only the clothes were left. There are around 100 to 130 debutantes. Daphne’s name is in D, so she could just join the Bridgertons on the side and change her clothes after she is done. Yep, everything is according to plan. 

***

Despite the frequent sarcastic exchange between them, he could say he has grown considerably close with Amelia. They could talk about plenty of things he could not talk about before with his family members, either because they are female or they do not get it. 

Last month, during the preparation of Daphne’s debutante dress with Amelia’s Dai Viet seamstresses, Anthony even asked whether his mother will sponsor Amelia for debut, unfortunately when they asked Amelia she rejected with the sole reason of she is from Siam and it is a bit too late to prepare for such an occasion.

However, despite whatever she said, why is she here in the debutante room? Anthony could feel his eyebrow twitched in annoyance.Their eyes met and Amelia briefly waved at him. He trudged towards her with the rest of his siblings. 

“Why are you here? I thought you do not want to debut,” He hissed lowly at her ear. 

“I have no choice!” Amelia hissed back at him, making him confused, then Amelia remembered that he was not there in her house when she offered Daphne to use her seamstresses. Amelia looked around, making sure nobody was looking before she hissed back at him. 

“I was personally invited by the Queen!” She huffed, crossing her arms. 

“She thought I wanted to debut and offered me the Royal Family’s seamstress, but as I did not know anything about this season's- culture, I told her I’m going to just watch this year and decide next year if I want to debut.” Anthony let out an ‘Ah,’ so that was probably why Amelia asked about the social season.

“You do know this means next year you probably cannot reject her;” Benedict who was listening the whole time whispered, making Amelia look at him pointedly.

“Not if I can do something about it,” Benedict looked amused. 

“My brother or my father can prevent me debuting by rejecting the Queen as I am not searching for a suitor. Marrying outside of Siam means they will lose their best diplomat. As if brother or father will allow that to happen.” Amelia explained before Eloise butts in. 

“What are you guys talking about? Daphne is next-” This made Amelia take a sharp breath. After her cousin, she will need to change into Siamese clothes. 

“Miss Daphne Bridgerton- Presented by her mother, the right honourable, the Dowager Viscountess Bridgerton.” The door opens to reveal Daphne Bridgerton, her cousin, looking extremely beautiful. White dress with gold accents and the back that form trains. Her hair was up in a bun and accessorised with white feathers giving her an angelic look. 

She walked alongside her aunt, Violet Bridgerton, both looked extremely elegant. Then in the middle Daphne walked by herself, approaching Queen Charlotte, dropping into a curtsy. As trained, she waited, but then the Queen herself lifted her by the chin. 

“Flawless, my dear.” before proceeding to peck Daphne on the forehead. 

Silently, Amelia slipped out of the room just as planned and was briefed to every staff member. Outside, she quickly met Lynn and Hugo who were waiting for her.

“Princess, let’s go.” Amelia nodded and followed Lynn and Hugo to a room provided by Queen Charlotte. Hugo opened the door as Lynn and Amelia walked in, then he closed the door for them, waiting outside the room. 

“Are you ready, Princess?” Hugo’s eyes went to Amelia, next to him, standing tall and straight. In front of them is the giant double-door to the debutante room. 

“Hugo, according to Britney Spears, There's only two types of people in the world, the ones that entertain, and the ones that observe-” Then her eyes met Hugo, his confusion well apparent on his face. 

“Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kinda girl.” Her eyes returned to looking straight ahead as the doors opened.

***

After all the debutantes got their turn, they all thought it was the end, when the debutantes and their mamas were ushered inside the room. Daphne and Violet quickly found the Bridgertons. 

“What is going on?” Eloise asked as she watched the debutantes filled the room. In all her years, this has never happened before, therefore Violet could only shrug her shoulders as she shook her head. 

“I do not know, this has never happened before.” Violet looked around, chatters were everywhere. Suddenly the chatters got louder as they saw Queen Charlotte stood up from her throne and raised her hand in motion to ‘calm down’.

“Good morning my people. I know this is unexpected, however this year, Great Britain is welcoming a guest from the Kingdom of Siam. I would suppose several of the Parliament members have met her before, the new Ambassador of Siam.” The chatters returned, especially among the men in Parliament. 

“With frequent involvement between Siam and Great Britain that will come in the future, I will ask you to treat them with respect and kindness. Now I would like to invite the Princess of Siam with me.” Queen Charlotte motioned to the Palace staff.

“Presenting, Her Royal Highness, Princess Amelia Chaiya Kanika from the House of Chakri.” The door opened revealing Amelia. 

(Left: The Clothes, Middle: Bun, jewelries, tiara, Sbai and sash belt, Right: Makeup and bangs)

She looked very different, elegant and mature as she was clad in a blue traditional Siamese clothing, the Siwalai, that is more tight-fitting than what the women in Great Britain wore. Her makeup was light, only her eyes stood out and her hair was up in a bun with a glamorous tiara adorned by diamonds. The amount of diamonds she wore rivalled the Queen herself. 

However, that was not what caught them off guard, but that she was escorted by the Prince Regent, George IV himself. He escorted her like all the mothers did to the debutantes before pausing to let Amelia approach the Queen and performed her curtsy. 

Watching her walk like this reminded Anthony of the first time he saw her in the Palace of Westminster 3 months ago. Like before, her presence effortlessly commanded the room. Her walk was as graceful and fearless as before, without hesitation and full of confidence. Then better and more stable than other debutantes, she dropped, performing a perfect curtsy. That day everyone was grateful the Princess was not a debutante. 

***

It was such a shame that Princess Amelia of Siam is not a debutante, if not Queen Charlotte would have named her Diamond of The First Water instead of Daphne Bridgerton. Her first public appearance and introduction as the Ambassador of Siam is similar to debut. 

The Queen could also see several eyes captivated by the mere sight of Princess Amelia. It seems like debut or not, the Princess of Siam will receive plenty of callers. What a shame, Queen Charlotte sighed. She would have enjoyed playing matchmaker for the Princess. Although 10 years older, the new Duke of Hastings is eligible and so is the Duke of Wyndham. Well, there is always next year. With that she exited the room followed by her ladies-in-waiting and Brimsley.

***

Anthony could sense it, the many eyes on both Daphne and Amelia. His sister, he can understand, after all she is a debutante and searching for marriage prospects, but Amelia? She is not even a debutante. His protectiveness over both girls rose. The audacity of these men, thinking that they deserve either of them? He would definitely crush their spirits down.

“I never thought I would see the Prince Regent here…” Colin remembered the fiasco earlier. 

“Yeah, what was that about, Mel?” Benedict looked at their cousin as Amelia blinked. 

“Ah, I broke my heels,” She lifted enough of her skirt to showcase the broken heel making them gasp at the sight of it. 

“Hugo was supposed to help me, but then Prince George came over and asked me what happened. After I explained, he said he will escort me as a show of friendship between Siam and Great Britain.” Hyacinth came to her side. 

“You were great Mel, like an actual Princess.” Amelia would have given her a snide comment that she is an actual princess, but she just looked so cute.

“I am sorry to interrupt,” Hugo bowed his head before standing straight. 

“Princess, we need to go now. You have a meeting with Prince Edward and the new Duke of Hastings after lunch time.” Hearing this Anthony opened his mouth, but Amelia defeated him. 

“Right. I will be going first, I need to bid Queen Charlotte goodbye.” Amelia curtsy and turned around, everyone created a path as she approached the door. 

***

Amelia found the Queen in the green house, drinking tea with Lady Danbury. The servant who saw her quickly told Brimsley of her presence. After a while, Amelia was allowed to meet the Queen. 

“Your Majesty, Lady Danbury.” Amelia curtsy as them, as perfect as her introduction. 

“Princess Amelia. I heard you were officially introduced as the ambassador?” Amelia nodded at her with a smile. 

“I was, it was quite a spontaneous plan tho,” She chuckled as Queen Charlotte shook her head. 

“I think it was magnificent. You were flawless dear. If you were a debutante I would have made you Diamonds of First Water.” Lady Danbury looked impressed, while Amelia just laughed and thanked her graciously. 

“What brings you here, my dear?” Amelia looked sheepish as she told the Queen. 

“I am here to bid my goodbye as I am needed in the Palace of Westminster.” As much as the Queen wants them to eat lunch together, what can she do when it is work related. With that Amelia bid them goodbye.

Words: 2089 words

More Than Diamond's Master List

IMPORTANT NOTES A/N: Hello, how are you guys? I hope you are well. Regarding this story that is following Julia Quinn's hit series, Bridgerton, I would start by saying I read the book first before I watch the Netflix series, thus I apologize if there are some differences with the Netflix version, but I will try to make it as similar as possible. I would also ask the readers to be kind when criticizing this story as this is my first time to actually publishing my work in the open. For the story, as you can see there is a time-travel tag. Our reader was sent back to the past with all the knowledge from the future. If you are also confused with Davika's education, I actually based her using Spencer Reid, a character from Criminal Minds. I also made Friedrich to be a year younger than Benedict when in actuality, he was born in 1794, 2 years younger than Daphne. If you are not interested or felt like those 2 themes ruined a historical romance story, then please do not leave any bad comments as you can just stop reading this story. Thank you for waiting this story to update, I was on vacation an went to many countries abroad for several weeks. Thank You Very Much! Much Love, Cinnamon Meilleure's Writing Room

[darthnell]

for the ask game!

🔪, 🍄, 🏜️! :D

Ty for the ask friend !! :D

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

Well my favorite ship pairings are my OCs so everything I say about them /is/ canon so… c: For Maritrix (Venatrix and Mariposa)… since True Vengeance was told from Ven’s pov, I’ll talk a lil bit about Mari’s: her initial interest in Ven was definitely strategy-based, given the nature of the Games. It was probably fairly obvious to the Games-savvy public that Ven would be volunteering in her final year, so she was on the table of potential sub-alliances in the Career pack for Mari for a while. But Mari probably expected her to be arrogant and entitled in the same way that Viper was. And while Ven definitely does have her moments of arrogance and entitlement, I think what surprised Mari the most was that she was genuine. A genuine fighter, genuinely grieving, and for the most part honest/blunt. I could definitely say much more about this but i just have been thinking about them a lot lately (when am i ever not lol) and it sucks that in this story they had to be in the arena together and not like. Living together gayly in a cabin in the woods with charcoal where percy visits them every now and then ;-; ah well. In an au where both gals survive, mari and iago wreak havoc on the internet using ven’s jabber account JFJDKDKD. ((Ok actual headcanon: mari and iago would be besties full stop, it would drive ven up the walls KDKDKDK))

Might as well share some stuff for Oberon and Dagmara too (Ven’s parents for those unawares) bc I have a lot of unposted/unwritten lore for them and I like them too c: so they started off as mentor and mentee since Oberon is 5 years older than Dag and he was assigned to mentor her for the games. Which she was pissed about because ofc she gets the rookie guy instead of the seasoned mentor who brought home more than a few victors. It’s kinda rough; Oberon does his best but he’s also currently having toxic girlfriend issues (tell me he doesn’t look like he had a toxic gf in the past jdjdjd). Anyways, after Dag wins, she and Oberon become closer as friends; Dag is also dealing w the loss of her best friend/cousin/district partner which is Rough for her ;-; she and Oberon are v much friends to lovers vibe, and I think the experience of being victors and having to deal w the shit the Capitol throws at them is probably something that like trauma bonds them 💀 they both go thru a lot but it helps that they have each other, like they both Get it. But yeah, before they started dating, Oberon was lowkey a hoe and Dag Wasn’t* but the relationships/situationships she tried to have w other people were just. Not it LOL. also Highkey. ADHD bf +autism gf.. beloved bihets <3

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

Did a lot of research about turkey hunting for that one True Vengeance chapter. Also about reconstructed Viking ships. For my 163rd games fic I spent some time researching the aerodynamics of those flying/gliding suits. For my 171st games fic i um. I googled what happens when you eat lava. For my 173rd games fic i googled. What does crucifixion feel like. Finger guns :D I also spent some time doing research on types of prosthetics for TrV..! Turned out so well… 💀

🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

Well. Naturally I do love when ppl write me essays about their thoughts on my writing ;-; I don’t expect everyone to do that though LOL. Honestly just like when ppl are willing to share how my writing made them feel, it’s really neat ;-; There was also this one comment I got a while back that was a form of concrit but it was so interesting to me and I think about it a lot.. mainly bc it made me think of like an argument as to why the plot couldn’t be what the commenter was expecting (but maybe that’s bc I just love talking about my stuff LOL)

Writer’s truth or dare ask game !

[thaleleah]

awe tal 🩷 don't even apologize!

no girl same i have not met a single step parent who's at least a bit decent! my uncle recently married this woman who has two grown kids, my uncle also has two grown kids. and let's just say that both my cousins disowned their dad 👀 his wife and her daughters are all so problematic that my uncle only hangs out with them and he doesn't even talk to his sons anymore. it's honestly so sad how divided a parent and their child's relationship becomes. and they are so blind to it!

my stepmonster is 43-44! same age my older sister 🥴 and her dad is a year younger than my dad like it's actually so gross 🤮 i do not have an issue with huge age gap relationships, i was in one myself 2 years ago, but when it comes to it being the same age as your own kid or dad i'm like ew dad 😂

and tell me about it? how can they still get it up is the question 😂 my stepmom is actually sick. you know what she would do? she would come up to me and tell me how good my dad fucks her 😑 like bitch i don't want hear how my dad is in bed. i was about to throw up with the details she was providing me 🤢

also girl don't even feel bad for my dad. he fucked up his kids lives so much. he's been a serial cheater since he married my mom, which is why they got divorced, and yet he claims he's still in love with her like what? 😂 and my mom is just selfish. both did so much wrong. my dad actually has a girlfriend on the side rn 😂 and stepmonster knows, but it's all about the money for her. it's a mess of a shitshow lmfao 😂

i just went on a long ass rant i am so sorry girl 😂

your poor mom 😢 your step dad is such a pos. and of course he uses religion as an excuse to control your mom 🙄 "God first, then the husband, then the children" - fuck off clown. he knows damn well it's the kids that come first, you're not even her father? like stfu dude.

girl i get you, i also have to be civil, and it's so hard. i can't imagine how hard it is for you 🩷 it's so sad we have to keep the peace in order to still be in our parents lives 🫤 it's so unfair to us. some parents are just selfish. both mine fucked up everything for their own sake and happiness and completely forgot how it would affect us.

but... thank god we're not alone 🩷 like we always have each other to talk to about this stuff and that helps a lot to know that there is a lot of us who have gone through this!

thank god for tom blyth cause that man is my happiness atm 😩 he literally makes me so happy. whenever i see his face i have this instant smile on my face like an idiot 🥰 i honestly can't for june!

and tal, my love, you have gift.... that tom blyth drabble ughhh 👄💦

THE FUCKING DRAMA WHAT

First of all, I take back everything I said about your dad lol. That man is a cheater and therefore I have ZERO sympathy for him.

I agree that the age gap isn't an issue but it is superrrrrr uncomfortable for him to be older than her own dad and her to be the same age as his daughter. Those vibes are NOT it 😭

Also, your stepmom is fucking horrid. Staple her lips shut cause no! No one wants to hear about their parent and how they are in bed. And that man is almost in his 80s. I'm sorry but there is no way he's fucking anyone that good. He'd probs break a damn hip, be so for real right now. I'm actually so curious how "attractive" your dad is to be having a side chick at 78. Or is his side-girlfriend trying to get money too? Is the side-gf nice at least???? How old is she??

I have so many questions lol. Tell me the tea ☕️ (if you're comfortable of course, no pressure)

My stepdad is the absolute worst. Nothing pisses me off more than someone using religion to control people and cause harm but it seems more and more that that's the norm. Also like... she loves me because I'm her daughter. She chooses to love him. He won - can he stop this bullshit feud now? I'm tired of it. Having to deal with him and constantly be in survival mode, plus seeing how he mistreats my mom has absolutely fucked me in terms of my own romantic relationships. I have never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month cause if I see even one thing that reminds me of my stepdad, I'm gone. He completely messed up my sense of trust and I'm trying to work through it but its sooooo hard.

Also, he threatened to take me to court once cause I pissed him off. That's not relevant to anything other than to further show that he's an asshole lol

But yes, you can 100% always talk to me about this cause even just going through these messages was actually really cathartic. I don't have any siblings so anyone that I talk to about this really can't understand anything completely from my perspective so its nice to talk to someone who gets it.

JUNE CAN'T COME FAST ENOUGH. I'm so excited for the new episodes, I'm gonna be completely unbearable for a lot of people lmaooooo

Thank you, babesssss 😏 I'm glad you liked it! I'm proud to serve 🫡

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary187

3/20-21/2024

wednesday - thursday

went out tonight.

it was good, our friends were late and couldn't eat w/ us at the place we wanted to go, the plans were made way in advance and it bites and whatever but you know, it's okay, we still love them, we all love eachother, it kind of bothered me a lot cuz my gf accomplished a lot, but also, idk, it's life, they are flaky and it's okay because we like them so much, they aren't trying to be, their lives really do get in the way and everything is hard for everyone, sincerely. i feel bad for being irritated. but it was how i felt, i wasn't mean i think, i was just like, annoying for 20 minutes.

and the friend we did go to dinner with, that was very nice of course, a lovely person to be around, and he is also in the middle of difficult things. everyone's life right now seems unfun, this year has been starting hard.

but it isn't really starting anymore. it's just early, and still things hurt lots.

i think i need to fix a song quickly so i'll do that.

obsessed with this song a bit,

if i can't be myself i'll share a body with youuuu.

i sometimes feel that for my gf. like, i believe that she doesn't care i'm all messed up and stuff, and really loves me, and will let me be what i have to be, whatever that is, that she likes that even. but i sometimes worry, and if not, i could give up, maybe. but i don't think i have to. i just love her, and maybe to a point, i really need her around now, our lives are just too intertwined. but i know that she doesn't feel like grossed out, and she loves me, i'm really, really, really, just dumb. she is more supportive than anyone could ask for, she loves my vague shape and that i am an androgyne. i am just out to upset myself sometimes.

it is so odd, some of us, myself i guess, are turned against ourselves forever, i am never going to not want to harm myself, it is crucial, it is the cousin of my desire for critique, maybe even some piece of the biopolitical apparatuses lodged inside, a discipline overgrown and malignant. but it feels like an underside to a force or drive inside me that is frequently not bad, it is not acting out with nothing in mind, it is maybe the runoff, the waste product, of curiosity, to want to know and to lay on the barbs of the rose, to think, you only know when it hurts, it is hard to make joy painful, but maybe i should. i want joy to burn me horribly, so hurting myself won't be in the realm of doubt, but for affirmation to burn so bright i know something, am complete, and at once unraveling. this is i suppose, why eroticism figures so much into everything i do.

is that strange?

i had good discussion of foucault with our friend we had dinner with, he makes it so easy, it's interesting, with him, with my girlfriend, i am not afraid to talk about these things, but with so many people, it feels like to open my mouth is to invite someone speaking down to me. it's never mean, they speak down because they want me to understand. but it hurts all the same. but they don't hurt me, the conversations go places.

there are also other people i can talk to, i suppose, but it is not their interest in particular, this kind of philosophy stuff, or it's distant to them, not central. but it figures into my life a lot more, it informs a lot of what i do creatively, these critiques, the power to read methods, to try them, to mix them, to modulate whatever, it helps develop the things i create, i dunno.

part of writing is at its root, not about writing, it is about observing. observing so much, holding it all, it must be expelled, a waste product, an obsession.

the above, about curiosity, there too is the will to destroy or dismantle, the will to dismantle corresponds to a sense of isolation, too. i want to destroy the assumptions of the world, i want to destroy the foundations so something else can come, this means also, i want to be different myself, i want to originate, or suggest at minimum, that other point. this means that i set myself aside or i try, or i imagine that there is a point where i could be. i self isolate, i alienate myself in part by being alienated or whatever, why does that emerge in anyone, all i think, now, thinking that, tearfully, are images of laura palmer.

i am listening to a podcast on bataille, with a translator of bataille. i am very fond of the translator, stuart kendall, a very well spoken man. he is now speaking on the notion he has, bataille, of uniqueness in people, and that this is equated with a sort of monstrosity, not that it monstrous to be unique, but that we all are, and these unique features or facts, are monstrous or would be seen as such and thus managed in some way. this feels odd, not the construction, which feels true, but i guess stuart's talking about it, it is almost this kind of thing you'd hear as maybe something nice, a kind of sweetness, we are all unique, and to suppress that is terrible. it is true. but there is i guess something in me, i have been convinced all my life, nothing i feel or think is unique, it is not special to me, across the earth, another is feeling what i am feeling and thinking many of the same things. there are so many of us, i can disappear, it is fact. this is maybe not true entirely, but i wonder about what my un-specialness, that i have held since childhood, in my head, as something i would speak to myself to not feel sorry for myself, implicates, is this then the management of the monstrous, my horrible feelings? i do not feel it is ethical in any way to deny that others may feel these things, or that in time, the nexus i am, is special, others have access to all of this, i am not alone, i should not be. it is a strange nexus, i want a joining maybe, not of people necessarily, but that we are held as monstrous, and in this, a solidarity, perhaps in the hell of being managed? but even then, there is at root something i am convinced of, of unspecialness, but maybe it is wrong to use that word, perhaps that is not the conviction. maybe what i am convicted of is that there is a grave amount of pain, constantly, there is horror, we are expelling it, it is expelled onto us, but i do not know. does this run counter to my desire to be, is another question. i am lonely, not in life, but there is loneliness inside of me, i feel apart, it is sometimes horrible because i am nothing romantic, like an astronaut, i am waste, or something else, i am caught up not inside an object, but related to one, here my flesh is, me, but my flesh held in the minds of others, i cannot exceed myself, to get across something. there is that, the idea that i can get something across, at war with the idea that there is nothing in me no one does not know already. but perhaps knowing is the wrong sense of it, there is uniqueness, and this gets to the terrain of horror, in the sense of it, what it does to one, the traversal of malady and its inscribings upon us. it is hard to say, not what i am saying, but accurately.

this made me write in my story. i am happy. and the song is exporting. it is a lie to say i'm happy but i'm something. you know the feeling but i want it. is that special to me. it's like puking but not really. i am so sad. i am so happy. i want things inside of me, there's something there though and i don't want to push it out of the way. i am clusters of wants, so many they intermodulate.

i wonder if this is all stupid, as thinking. i am not sure. it is maybe navel gazing. i want to produce something that is true or describes the difficulty. the feeling i guess. it is incoherent, or is it, i dunno. it is not inconsistent, it is not special substance, it is not phantasm, it is memory and accrual, beneath my nails it is real, i swear, it is of materiality. the difficulty of being among others and counted, the pain of being counted in the first place, the necessity of the counting, and then on the other side, that i do not know i belong. belonging is difficult, i do not want to, but i have also never been sure of it. but i do not matter. what is this sense, it only makes me recall nietzsche and the vicious circle by klossowski. difficult. i need to finish that book. it did good things to me.

it is not that i want to defend the idea i am like everyone, or maybe worse, that everyone is like me, which is maybe the thing that really happens in the sense that others would feel what i feel, at certain points, it was always, as a child, about feeling sorry for myself. it is more that i want to know why i find difference so hard to i guess, idk, take, fully, or not take, i believe it is the case, we are different, it is true, painfully true as much as it is beautifully true, we are heterogeneous creatures. however even with this, i guess, what i am i guess approaching is that we have all be disciplined, by similar structures, borne into repetition, and so the flows/drives are restricted not by repression, but by modulation, teaching, we are made inarticulate of ourselves in order to be articulate of the structure that develops and maintains. this produces a difficulty, i suppose this is what i feel when the image of laura palmer comes to mind, finally articulating herself, in screeches, it is there i locate things of myself, the screeching as one has no choice but to wish to burn away all that surrounds and develops them, and still, ineffectual, the sense of being nothing.

i don't know though. it is difficult. it is hard, everything is difficult.

everything means too much and i am pacing.

i like the song now though. i am happy, and i mean it, and i mean it, and i mean it.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sufferinggod]

went out to a dance last night. had a good time. it was really chill. went with my cousins. literally a nice, chill time. great moment, great memory with them. its nice to just have a normal time for once....... then today went out to another party with my parents and family. it was a huge party. lots of people went. it was for a girl who just turned 15. in mexico girls get these huge parties when they turn 15. lots of free beer. but surprisingly didnt even get drunk. last night at the dance i had 4 beers and i was starting to get shit faced for whatever reason. anyways, all great and all but ive been wasting a lot of money i dont have. like the money i was saving to pay off my internet bill i spent a huge chunk of it at the dance and that is not good. and i already owe my mom a certain amount. if i ask her to cover me on the internet bill she is most likely going to be hella pissed and ask me why i dont have any money. but she hasnt even asked me for the internet money at all yet which is why i just went ahead and wasted it lol.... but i mean i just gotta make it until wednesday and a huge check should drop in my bank account HOPEFULLY. they told me i would be recieveing a huge check on April 5th so i just gotta hope and pray it actually drops then........... but yeah, gotta make it until wednesday which is a lot harder than it sounds. so i owe my mom money, i owe the internet bill, and today an old friend (my ex gf's cousin i made friends with) messaged me and asked if i want to go drink with him tomorrow. which means ill be spending more money if it actually goes through. i mean he's one of those guys who always asks to hang out and nothing ever happens lol but this time it might go down and it sucks cuz i barely have any money left to do anything. like if we actually hang out i have enough for like a 6/12 pack of beer lol. so yeah. i am hanging on by a string it feels like. really want it to be wednesday already and hopefully have money again.... and i found another agency i can apply for and this one actually seems promising and i actually feel hopeful that i might get hired so tomarow im going to apply so hopefully they call me during the week and set something up with me and hopefully they hire me. i was talking to another friend and he's worked in that company and he says its a great beginner call center agency that is great for me since i need more experience so i am very optimistic and looking forward to applying.

[schizochroal]

My gf has been having me watch supernatural with her for the past month (she's never had a Tumblr which idk is kinda funny to me) and I can definitely see why it spawned a fanbase (there is some sloppy writing and very obvious plot holes but it's generally well written for a show from it's time and has compelling characters and arcs, and it's also pleasantly sacrilegious and anti-cop so far) but also like. I can see why the fanbase it spawned was so fucking weird and messed up. They are very clearly aware of the fact that they write the main brothers more like a couple by mid way through season one, and by season 4-5 they seem to embrace and lean into this angle. They start to use the word "brother" the way the 90s sailor moon dub used the word "cousin" even when writing partnerships that aren't the leads. They go from occasionally making gay jokes to just using constant homoerotic subtext every time Sam and Dean talk about their relationship, and make Castiel seem like Dean's new fling. It's bizarre to see an American network tv show lean so heavily into an incest angle , especially gay incest, and everytime they acknowledge their awareness of it makes it seem even stranger. At the same time, they literally start writing their fanbase into the show , and mock them for seeing the very obvious subtext. Season 4 and 5 have numerous jokes aimed at "creepy and weird supernatural fans that ship together Sam and Dean" while at the same time constantly writing Sam and Dean like a couple. One episode even has cosplayers that play Sam and Dean being the first confirmed gay characters to live through an episode (they are a couple) and has Dean being very obviously uncomfortable with them being a couple, despite the fact that he has spent much of the last few episodes using extremely romantically charged language to describe the relationship he has between him and his brother. As someone that is not exactly particularly a fan of incestous romance (blegh) in order to watch the show I have to just pretend they aren't actually brothers. But like I also am bothered way more by the fact that the show seems to be hypocritically mocking its own fans for seeing what is obviously there than the actual incest itself. What a strange way to write a show, what a strange way to interact with your fanbase. I honestly struggle to see why they would write it this way? like maybe at some point it became a self-aware method of cultivating a fanbase , but in the first couple of seasons it was pretty obvious that they were desperately trying to appeal to a presumed straight male audience , and yet the incestous homoeroticism (and the self awareness about it ) was still obviously present.

[xaallo]

i guess, for those who’re curious anyway, i could be more open about why my activity here has plummeted

Surprise, its IRL shit! dad bought a car with some woman, but their relationship has gone down the shitter like pretty much any relationship my dad entertains with any woman. So, there’s the question of what’s to be done with the car. Now, from a legal standpoint, the ex-gf made a humongous fuck up because she didn’t put her name on the title of the car. Really dumb mistake and now there’s a very real possibility that she loses a nice chunk of change and has no car to show for it. However, from a moral standpoint, dad has four vehicles that work just fine. This van is the ex-gfs only mode of transportation and she HAS offered to pay my dad his portion of the original payment in order to take full ownership of the van.

But, dad has no intention of letting that car go, for no other reason i can see besides simple spite. He got a good car at half the price and she essentially has nothing, even though she’s the one driving and maintaining the vehicle. The alternator went out a few days ago, and she’s already bought a new one. 300 bucks she can’t get back because it’s apparently not refundable where she bought it from

I’ve tried to tow the line between staying out of it (it involves my dad; on principle I’m not keen to get involved) and trying to help (what he’s doing is very fucked up in my eyes; why are you arsed about one car when you have four of them? And this is her only mode of transportation + she’s disabled?) but since she fucked up that bad (why would you even buy a car with someone you've known less than a year?) there’s only so much I can do. Complex interpersonal family issues prevent me from helping as much as I want to. I’ve already been (and still kinda am) blacklisted from family functions (on THAT side of the family) due to a debacle with my dad and he ran back and whined to his side about the family about how “mean” i was to him

Dad is playing games. First, he wants his payment in increments. Ex-gf has no problem with that. Then he switches it up and says he wants his payment as a lump sum, because he doesn’t believe she has the money to pay all at once. She does. Then he tries to say “forget the money, we’ll just put both our names on the car” and by that time, ex-GF is very suspicious as to what the fuck is going on. Doesn’t help that these two often get in shouting matches with each other (dad is a belligerent drunk). Eventually, the EX’s brother and cousin overhear the verbal abuse from the phone and they’re ready to come over and fuck my dad up.

Ex-gf gets sick. Goes to the hospital. Dad comes out of nowhere with accusations that she’s doing drugs (??? she has an in-home nurse who would’ve found out by now since they take samples if that were true), hiding things from him, lying to him; the only liar in this house is him, though. He demands the keys back, but she refuses, so he calls the cops. Remember: EXs name isn’t on the car, there’s no record of her even being involved in the purchase iirc, so she’s basically shit outta luck. As far as the cops are aware, she’s holding the keys hostage, or at least that’s the picture he paints for them.

Since I’ve been offering some advice here and there on what to do (with a focus on ‘yeah, i’d just leave if I were you’ ), she was only comfortable giving the keys to me, so despite my best efforts, i get roped into this situation. Dad gets suspicious and starts accusing me of talking about him behind his back to her....despite the fact that i never pick up the phone for her when she calls (or really anyone). Literally just deleted like 12 messages from my voicemail all from her like 5 minutes ago. Despite the fact that i supposedly “never come out of my room” or when i do i “go out and dont say anything to anyone”. Ok. So, if I never come out of my room and don’t pick up the phone, how am I talking to her about you? It doesn’t add up lmfao

So yeah, despite my best efforts to stay out of this (dad told me i was taking her side by trying to not be involved. like...ok lmfao), dad is trying rope me into it now with his own lies. I’m not an idiot. I know he’s making false accusations about back-talking to get me to say something that he can grab onto. It’s been 7 years, I know the bullshit by now.

We just got back from the hospital where she is. Ex told me he came up to her hospital room and showed his ass, now he’s banned from the fucking hospital for being a threat and a menace. How do you get banned from a fucking hospital? She further told me that her male relatives have had it with the bullshit and that they’re going to be seeking my dad for an ass beating. Not that he doesn’t deserve it, but *Rubs temples*

But anyway. That, among a few more minor things, is why I haven’t been here. I’m quite thoroughly exhausted.

[pixiedoodlein]

10 days until school and I’m no more decided than I was a week ago. I flip flop ten times day about what might be best. A is sick of hearing me talk about it. He doesn’t disagree with my risk assessment but he is sick of talking about it.

It caused an issue with his friend, a friend who is his best friend and is unvaccinated and works in a jail. Months ago we told friend he could only visit (this place is their boyhood dream) once he’s vaccinated. Friend typically believes in science and is very health conscious but his gf is a moron Trump lover and her family the same and that’s who he’s been spending all his time with since this all started. When I asked friend why he’s not vaccinated he said he’s young & healthy, didn’t trust the vaccines, would do it when they got full fda approval. Plenty of young healthy people are dead of this. Anyway then I asked ok so what if you give it to someone who isn’t and dies, people incarcerated in the jail he works in and don’t have the luxury of social distancing, and he was like eh whatever. So yes friend is an asshole, but his best friend for decades, friend has always been kind of an asshole but has many redeeming qualities too. So we said no visit. But then in July when there was no covid here and no covid where he lives and we were blissfully living our covid free lives we loosened up and said he could visit with two negative tests. But then covid got bad again and when asshole friend contacted A the other day to say he took time off in late Sept to visit, A said sorry, it’s fully fda approved now you have no excuses not to vaccinate, we’re worried about our unvaccinated kids, and as of now you can’t visit but hey maybe if you get vaccinated and the numbers look better we can reassess in a month and you can come. Friend was a total dick about it, didn’t understand our point of view at all, stressed A about it, who was in a bad mood about it for days afterward.

Then there’s the neighbors. I had a chat with the kids and a chat with the mom. I framed it as we love them so much and I know they’re careful but I think we should all be more careful while the numbers are so rising (aka only outdoor hangouts) and we are careful but I’ve heard terrifying stories from doctor friends about kids and babies getting very sick, and they have a baby who I don’t want us to make sick, and she said she agreed. The kids have been pretty good about making the adjustment from constant sleepovers to playing outside but M keeps asking me “the kids need to pee are they allowed to use the bathroom, the kids are hungry are they allowed to come inside even for one minute for a snack,” and I feel like the villain (I’ve been saying yes to pee, snacks I’ll bring out). Everyone’s been understanding but nobody is getting what I mean when I say only outdoor socializing. All the kids keep asking me when I’ll take them to town again for ice cream, “but it’s outside” (um yeah but the car’s not), asking their mom to ask me for sleepovers even though they know what the answer will be. The other day they were playing in our yard then it started raining and they were like “we can’t walk home in the rain”- I don’t want them to walk home in the rain, but again the car is indoors!- so I drove them home (but made M stay at our house). They’re not my kids so I can’t make them wear masks and it feels like now I am in the position of being the mean parent who’s psycho about covid, which in a way I am, but it would help me to stick to my guns and feel okay about sticking to them if the government policies matched the severity of the situation, ie mask mandates in public places (instead of stores posting polite recommendations), vaccine mandates, virtual learning options, etc.

Which brings me to school. After selling M hard on real school, then I sold her hard on home school. She already “did” 3rd grade last year (as much as me teaching her in my pajamas counts as doing), but this district has an earlier cut off than the city, so she’s in 3rd grade again here. Which is fine by me- her birthday is the same day as the very late nyc cut off (12/31) and I hated that she was the absolute youngest. I used to beg the school to hold her back and they’d say “but why she’s doing so well!” not understanding that I was thinking ahead to the teen years. But anyway, despite her haphazard pj’d professor, she seemed to learn a lot last year so homeschool this year could basically be unschool. She’d traipse around the forest identifying birds and trees with A and her brother, reading for pleasure, and I’d spend an hour here and there reviewing some worksheets with her so she’d be on track when she starts real school after she gets vaccinated. She was into the idea, until she found out she and one of the neighbor kids are in the same class. Now she absolutely wants to go to real school, AND ride the school bus. The school bus part makes me very nervous. While there is now a school mask mandate (but will it be enforced? what are their lunch procedures, what % of teachers are vaccinated, what % of the older kids in the same building as the little kids are vaccinated, did they actually really update their ventilation system?) and a bus mask rule, it’s a long rural route (15 min drive or 45 min bus) and I have no faith that bus windows will be open and all riders will be masked the whole time.

So just tell her she can go to school but has to be driven by a parent, right? Not so simple. I was offered a job at a (somewhat, commuting distance) nearby nonprofit- an easy low stress job in a bastion of liberalism with very very nice smart coworkers, excellent work life balance, a writing job that sounds made for me, like the job description is exactly what I would put together if I were putting together my dream job (except the pay, which is half what I was making at a fancy DC nonprofit, but high for this area, and our housing cost is half so it should be fine if A can get away from little guy long enough to bring in some money too). It’s mostly remote but approx one day a week in the office and some days there will be things I need to attend out in the community (not necessarily our community, they serve the whole region). It won’t always be the same day in the office and the office is an hour away- so on those days A would have no car to get her to and from school, since I’d need to leave before school starts and get home after it’s done. So I guess we need to buy a new car? Aside from this issue we really don’t need a second car now, were planning to get one eventually, but not until A’s business has enough projects to justify the cost.

Despite its many demands/challenges/ stressors, home school is sounding easier to me at this point (especially because she already did this grade), except she WANTS to go to school. Someone talk me out of putting some lipstick and a pantsuit on her and taking her to get vaccinated. I know, I know: the 5-11 dosage is 1/3 of the 12-adult dosage. The doctors I’ve spoken to are split on this hypothetical kamikaze mission. The doctors I’ve spoken to are also split on me and A going to a pharmacy now for booster. It’s been almost 6 months since our 2nd dose. We do not have compromised immune systems. This county has way more doses than demand and I would feel better sending M to school (bus or not) if we had our boosters and she had a first dose- moral and scientific quandaries aside- because there is A LOT of covid here now, a lot of covid everywhere now, and I feel like we are returning to regular life at the time when we should be most hunkered down.

Which brings me to the data. Per capita there are as many known cases here as in nyc, except nyc has a 50% higher vax rate, much more mask usage, better medical system. People are not getting enough tests here, there is a higher positivity rate, and so I think the actual number of cases is much higher than the reported number of cases. It seems like, friends here and in the city and in the suburbs (I just broke up with a friend in the suburbs because she professes to be a good democrat but is hosting a bonafide super spreader event and vacationing in a place with 39% positivity and a collapsed health care system), are thinking of covid as something you catch from strangers- they wear masks in stores- but aren’t careful at all around close friends and family (so many extended family gatherings, so many, cousins and grandparents and half-siblings and aunts and uncles and whoever), when this is a disease that kills via the people you love most, the ones who’d never intentionally hurt you.

[isdalinarhot]

Dalinar, Elhokar, Renarin

oh boy the big three. this is LONG so i am putting it under the cut

Dalinar:

sexuality headcanon: he is bisexual babey! but he is very much repressed and confused about being into dudes

gender headcanon: this is a cis man. this guy has never had a gender crisis in his life.

a ship i have with said character: fuck idk hes not really shippable. i think he had a one night stand with sadeas in his youth like everyone else in the fandom does. i have an au in my head that i will NEVER talk about where basically my self insert and dalinar are bathumpin. i think he lusts after random soldiers during his loveless marriage with evi. idk im very much of the opinion that in canon dlainar should never get a s/o cuz he sucks at romantic relationshiops and he doesn't really deserve a gf or a bf or anything because he has to work on himself first

a brotp i have with said character: this is so funny does dalinar have friends besides the og war criminal squad and like. havar. ah toh how could it have been a party without you. i think dalinar and navani would have ruled if they were friends like i do not want to see elhokar's mom getting as narsty as brand sand will allow with dalinar but i do want to see them strategizing together you know. why did they have to kiss.

a notp i have with said character: Ⅰ. HATE. DALINAR/KALADIN. WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT. i also. dont like dalivani but it doesnt disgust me at the moral level dalinar/kaladin does it just makes me go wow you really are fucking your dead brother's wife huh. we really do have to read paragraphs upon paragraphs about how much of a sexy milf navani is huh.

a random headcanon: before writing oathbringer he is encouraged by like. navani. to write poems to practice like idk handwriting and creative thought or whatever the hell. and so he writes poems. but theyre all really bad and they all rhyme but have really bad rhythm. they are never published but jasnah has them in whatever the roshar equivalent of a manila folder in a file cabinet is and she looks at them for inspiration when she's stuck writing another ketek for a wedding and has poet's block because it reminds her that at least she's a better poet than her uncle

general opinion over said character: dalinar is in a very frustrating place in my brain because there are very few people who share the view that he is like. doing the best he can but also like. hes not doing enough. like both can be true at the same time. and like i either see people like DALINAR SO SEXY heart eyes emoji who cares that he killed all those people and was a terrible husband. or people who are like. dalinar sucks so in my fan content i am going to make him suck in ways that he doesnt actually suck in canon because hes never done a kind thing in his life right. and both are like sandpaper to my brain but in different ways. dalinar is great but i dont trust people with him yknow

Elhokar:

sexuality headcanon: homosexual elhokar kholin. this guy is gay. this guy is the twink of a lifetime.

gender headcanon: i think it would be fun if he was genderfluid like he propbably would figure that out if he lived and was doing lightweavery things

a ship i have with said character: CAN YOU REALLY SHIP ELHOKAR WITH ANYONE⁇⁇⁇⁇⁇⁇ he doesnt really. he doesnt really have romantic chemistry with like. anyone. hes gay but nobody wants him. i think there is something to be said about him possibly having a VERY UNREQUITED thing for kaladin but room temp milk is something that i do not even pretend to comprehend. i think he's more of a "have brief quiet flings with dudes" sort of guy. i like elhokar/hoid due to tomodachi life. and i like elhokar/elliot decker also due to tomodachi life. idk. i dont really ship elhokar w anyone

a brotp i have with said character: I LOVE THE CONCEPT OF THE KHOLIN COUSINS ALL BEING VERY GOOD FRIENDS WITH EACH OTHER like obviously i like the concept of he and jasnah actually having a sibling relationship that we see and i like the concept of him and adolin being flashy bastards that get into arguments about being flashy bastards and i like the concept of him and renarin being like. surprisingly close just cuz they both have the Liking Men thing going on yknow. it is very important to me. like i know logically the kholin cousins would not all be super close to each other because there's a 15 year gap between jasnah and renarin and even the 4 year gap between elhokar and adolin is pretty big when you're a kid but i want to believe. also honorable mention for younger aesudan and elhokar being bros jess your brain is so huge

a notp i have with said character: whoever that person is who did one chapter of a moash/elhokar fic on ao3 i would love to study you

a random headcanon: elhokar naturally sits like with one leg crossed over the other but when hes in public he sits up straight and manspreads to try to project a kingly posture

general opinion i have over said character: this is ANOTHER character that nobody gets right. like everyone is either ike ELHOKAR MY LITTLE BEAN he did nothing wrong <3 or theyre like FUCK ELHOKAR FOR DOING LIKE 2 BAD THINGS oh by the way here's my favorite character who did nothing wrong and their favorite is like. dalinar or raboniel or some shit. my friends are the only ones who know and perceive the truth

Renarin:

sexuality headcanon: gay :)

gender headcanon: i think it would be fun if he had a case of the masc aligned nonbinaries. he/they renarin. this is the future we want

a ship i have with said character: literally rlainarin is so good. i dont usually read fanfiction but sometimes when im feeling sad i read rlain/renarin fic because love is real

a brotp i have with said character: see elhokar's section on kholin cousins ALSO. i think it's really important that he's friends with people in bridge four. a group of frat boys is something that can be so personal

a notp i have with said character: i started reading the books like at the same time renarin was confirmed to have a crush on rlain so every ship i see that's not that makes my brain go [doug dimmadome voice] not right! special anti-shoutout to renarin/shallan though. hatred violence.

a random headcanon: the reason he's so knowledgeable on wine is because of him spending his preteens and early teen years buying dalinar wine to earn his love :(

general opinion of said character: RENARIN IS SO GOOD. literally the power of renarin is that i have never in my life ever seen anyone who hates renarin EVER. everyone is always like renarin is a good boy :) i will say that people infantalize him a lot and i fell into this trap partially because i thought he was like 16 or 17 because i thought adolin was like 19 or 20 so id say shit like oh i want to help him study for the sat i want to go to his band concerts. nah he is 19 in twok that is an entire adult. also i think he should go just a little bit apeshit at some point i think he should be a little bit mad at dalinar. renarin rights

[willowcrowned]

TCW is mostly just very bad, but sometimes it’s so bad it’s good. The prime example of this? The episode where the premise is that Ziro, Jabba’s southern drag queen cousin, has just been broken out of jail by a blue guy with a hat fetish named Cad Bane, and Obi-Wan and his periodic hookup Quinlan Vos have to go get him back. This is just the premise.

Let me explain my thoughts further by way of a recap:

Ziro goes back to his home planet of Swamp Planet and gets imprisoned by the council of slugs, including a weirdly buff one, who are all related to him, making this basically a family reunion but with hired dancers and tons of guns. Now, as it turns out, Ziro’s lip-injectioned frog pop star beard ex girlfriend actually WORKS for the council of slugs, and, in a truly touching scene that I couldn’t stop cackling at, she uses her proboscis lips to kiss him through the cell bars. Cut to Obi-Wan bitching about Quinlan Vos. Cut back to Swamp Planet. 

Frog GF breaks Ziro out of jail and brings them to his... mother? spawner? Hutt biology is never really explained. In any case, the mountain of opaque jello with hands that is possibly Ziro’s mother or, in a less-popular reading, his sugar momma, lends him a ship to get off planet to Teth, where Ziro has hidden a journal full of dirt on each and every member of the slut council. The slug council is understandably mad about this, which is why they imprisoned him in the first place. (I am just now realizing that I forgot to mention the Dirt Journal. Let me assure you that, while a majorly important device for this episode, the Dirt Journal is in no way central to the enjoyment of it. It’s not like anyone watches tcw for the plot.) Cut to Obi-Wan and Biceps McGee bitching at each other, talking to the slug council, etc. Then they go talk to Jello Mountain— Obi-Wan flirts, Quinlan wrecks some shit, typical stuff. I cannot emphasize enough how you really could not expect anything different from these two.

Cut back to Frog GF and Ziro, who are at Ziro’s... father’s(?) grave. Again, I think Hutts are supposed to reproduce asexually, but I respect Filoni for deciding that they Fuck. Brilliant stuff, man. Truly revolutionary. Ziro retrieves the Dirt Journal, turns to Frog GF, about to betray her... and she fucking shoots him. She fucking shoots him on his father’s grave and takes the journal. I think she even blows him a kiss as he squirms about dramatically in his death throes, but I’ll be honest, I was laughing too hard at this point to pay attention.

Then! Obi-Wan, Quinlan, and Blue-Man-Group-Knockoff show up, see Ziro dead, and (for no apparent reason) have a dramatic fight about it. Personally, I think it’s a metaphor for something else, but justifying that would require re-examining every duel in tcw for gay subtext and that would take forever. (I’d like to clarify that the reason it would take forever is not because of the lack of gay subtext, but in fact because of the exact opposite.) Obi-Wan flirts with both of them, Quinlan is annoyed that Obi-Wan is flirting with someone who isn’t him (and is much more annoyed by that, may I add, than the idea of Obi-Wan flirting with someone trying to kill them), and Cad Bane is. (understandably) Mildly turned on. Obi-Wan and Quinlan Vos get tossed off (a cliff) and Bane loses his hat but escapes with his lil jetpack shoes.

Does the episode end with Obi-Wan and Quinlan capturing Bane? Does it end with them getting the Dirt Journal? Does it end with the implied threesome I was half-expecting? Absolutely not. You know what it does end with?

It ends with Frog GF giving the Dirt Journal to Jabba and revealing that she was a double agent all along, and that this was all an elaborate setup to get revenge on her southern drag queen slug ex boyfriend. 

Roll Credits.

[kaypeace21]

El is NOT ‘in love’ with Mike

Mileven-shippers be bugging - apparently I’m  ‘misogynisitc’ to think Mike Wheeler is gay, cause I’m not taking into consideration how ‘in love’ El is and am therefore enjoying her suffering (despite the fact I’ve said multiple times I don’t think El is in love with him either). So I’m just doing a rebuttal. Not going to even mention the milevens who lap-up the ‘Will is gay and pinning over straight-Mike for the rest of his life’-narrative. But,besides all the s4 movies having the long distance couple break up and admit in at least 4-6 movies that they both knew all along “it would never work out” and that they never loved each other. And El’s character even being happy for byler .The show hints at the fact (pretty heavily) El isn’t ‘in love’ with Mike. But is simply confused (given her lack of proper socialization). I’ve mentioned it before but just some obvious points people like to ignore...

For some inexplicable reason...We’re supposed to believe in s1 a traumatized girl (with no proper socialization with adults or peers) who doesn’t even know what a friend is -  is supposed to know the nuances of romantic, platonic, and familial love (or just the distinctions between physical attraction, crushes ,or romantic love)? Really?!

-  in s1 El knew Mike for 4 days, but we’re supposed to believe they ‘fell in love at first sight’? Even when the official ST-twitter ‘st writers’ said they don’t believe in ‘love at first sight’.

- El is mixing up familial love with romantic love.  Before he asks her out , El asks in regards to the status of their relationship “will you be like my brother?” And she is confused and upset when Mike says “no”- and proceeds to ask , “Why?” their relationship would be different than siblings. And Mike says “I don’t know, I guess it’s not.” 

Then Mike accidentally implies the only difference between friends/siblings/ gfs is that you kiss them. Mike pretty much says it’s different simply for the fact that it would be weird to go to a dance with someone who is like a sister - then kisses her.  

And then In s2, Mike tries to emulate his ‘non jealous’ friend,  Dustin, who is happy for lumax (despite his own romantic feelings). So Mike tries to act like Dustin, and  forces Will to dance with a girl (who’s wearing a rainbow hair clip). And right after this we see Dustin look sad about Max/Lucas dancing and Mike (next to Dustin) look sadly at Will/girl dancing in the same exact frame as Max/Lucas. As they switch between these 2 shots to emphasize their sadness/jealousy. 

Then they both sit down (mirroring each other) on the verge of tears before Nancy and El show up to comfort them and distract them.  As El once again (presumably) wears Nancy dress.

The parallels continue as Nancy (who has no romantic feelings for Dustin but more of a sibling-esque bond) teaches him how to dance, similar to how Mike teaches El to do the same. Indicating it’s not romantic for either pairings (despite the kiss). Mike :” you don’t go to dances with your sister?/ no?/ i mean you can but it’d be really weird.”

*In s2 they even make a direct parallel to Luke &Leia (who were siblings who had a weird romantic relationship/kiss before realizing they were related). Mike (as Leia) saying “it’s a trap” to El (Luke). 

And Leia (Mike) eventually gets with Han (Will) the one she had the real romantic tension with all along, and who she tried to make jealous by using Luke (El). Specifically, by kissing Luke (El) in front of Han (Will). Doing this by kissing El at the dance where Will could see.

They’re also compared to cousins.

And most damming is how Mike/El is compared to mileven. Cause El is confusing familial love for Mike with romantic.

* In s1 Lucas even compares El to Mike’s sister Holly, while the decoration of a heart being propelled by a rainbow hangs above him. Which echos what happened in s2 as well.In s2 , Erica  forces He-man and barbie to make out. And Lucas angrily separates the two. And then this discussion happens.

Erica: “Hey , They’re in love!”Lucas (livid- and standing right next to a rainbow): “No, actually,  they’re not. They don’t even exist on the same planet.”

Cue El and mike being compared to ET and Eliot (by the Duffers in multiple interviews and in the pilot script, shown above ) .  And  El watching he-man in s1- while Dustin in s2 has he-man and et next to eachother to show they were in fact  Lucas was talking about mileven.  Mike even calls El “yoda” in s1. We also see El compared to ET on multiple occasions in s1 (the bike scene, reese’s pieces vs eggos, et/el both having a the barbie like makeover and dressing as a ghost etc).  And then there’s the  old euphemism of “girls come from Venus, and boys come from Mars”. So El telling mike he should ‘stick with his own species’ (aka boys). And the Duffers saying mileven isn’t in love cause they’re not from the same planet  -is just them telling us , Mike is gay  and El doesn’t love him either. Will even says to Mike “welcome to my world”. In s3 we see Mike’s gotten rid of the sign that has a heart being propelled by a rainbow (symbolizing how he’s trying to hide/get rid of his feelings for Will) . But in El’s room while mileven makes-out we see a drawing of a heart being propelled by a rainbow (similar to the sign in s1 )- emphasizing the fact that no matter how much he makes out with El, and tries to hide the truth... he’s still gay. Like Max said in her rebuttal to El’s comment of “friends don’t lie”. “Yeah, but boyfriends lie ALL THE TIME”. Cause the relationship on Mike’s end was always a farce.

- And before their first kiss ,  after asking if she’d be like his sis, she asks  if he’s asking her to the snow ball as “a friend?” And he says “it’s different”. But  El again asks “how?”. And Mike (similar to El’s sibling question) once again can’t explain the difference of how friends and romantic partners are different to her, before they kiss. And just a few days earlier she asked the gang “what is friend?”. Yet we’re supposed to believe she knows she has a crush on Mike? 

El constantly says in reference to Mike “friends don’t lie” (even in s3). Her instincts are telling her she doesn’t have romantic feelings for him ... which is why in a span of 3 minutes she says she thinks of him as both a “brother” and a “friend” when he tries to make it romantic in s1.

This whole ‘romantic confession’ of Mike’s in s1,  echos his ‘love confession’ in s3. With Mike making it romantic and El once again not understanding his words or reciprocating her understanding of ‘feeling like she’s in love with him’.

Mike, before his love confession, apologizes for everything BUT LYING (the thing that broke them up in the first place). Aka because the love confession itself, was yet another lie Mike was telling. Which is why he never says “I love you” (to her face) but instead says *blank/it* instead of “love” .Saying “It makes you crazy…blank makes you crazy.

In s1 Flo says  “ only love makes you  crazy and that damn stupid”. Re-contextualizing  the “crazy together” scene between Mike and Will as romantic (since  Mike & Flo both equate love to making you ‘crazy’ ) .

When Mike tries to confess his “love” to El , he says “Well , they do say it makes you crazy”… much to El’s confusion as  she says “what makes you crazy”? But when Mike asks Will, “We’ll go crazy together, right? Will immediately responds back “yeah, crazy together.”As they smile at each other.

Then there’s the fact that in s2 El’s new catchphrase was “not stupid”.She even says this line right before going to visit Mike. Right before Mike says he loves El, Nancy even comments that “El’s not stupid”. And in s3 El says “there’s more to life than STUPID boys.”And in s3 during the byler fight, Mike says “El’s not stupid.”  As opposed to Will who right after this, runs to castle byers, looks at the Halloween pic where they both said they’d go ‘crazy together’, and cries and calls himself “stupid” (4x). 

(x)(x)

The show says El is neither stupid nor crazy for Mike, meaning she DOES NOT (romantically) LOVE MIKE! The only one who is “crazy” and “stupid” for Mike is Will. Therefore, Will is the only one in love with Mike! . She even ignored his confession for 3 months and lied about hearing it- that doesn’t scream ‘in love’ .

- El mimicks Erica Kane and pretends to be with a fictional Mike Roy, while watching ‘all my children’ (Mike and Erica aren’t endgame btw) . Which parallels mileven to Karen/ Billy. Before she meets him she’s reading a romance book that has a guy that resembles Billy on the cover. The Duffers even mentioned they changed the cover to show the resemblance between Billy and the fictional book character. And we see Karen reading the sequel in s3 before Billy appears. Both El and Karen don’t/didn’t love Mike or Billy- they just projected onto them fictional characters they were infatuated with. She knew Mike for 4 days- saw a rushed romance on tv with a character named Mike- and simply wanted to emulate it with the only Mike she knew.

-She latched on to Mike more than the others since he was the first boy her age who took care of her. If Dustin did everything Mike did, she would of assumed she was in love with him too! El through her limited knowledge (given to her by Mike) essentially assumes boyfriends (who you are in love with) are boys who you think of as “friends, cousins, or brothers” who you kiss. Since Mike accidentally implied that feelings for  brothers/ friends are the same as  romantic crushes (in s1 saying about the difference “I don’t know I guess there isn’t”, and she is later taught while in isolation that kissing=romantic love (by soap operas). And then projects Mike roy (who she’s actually crushing on) onto our Mike wheeler. And then she proceeds to mimic what she sees on screen. Similar to how she copies Max’s words in s3. El says “I love you too”, cause (similar to mimicking Max and soap operas) she assumes mimicking him is what she’s supposed to do! Not cause she's actually in love with him! 

(X)

Not to mention the episode of the soap opera episode she’s mimicking is about a women and a man (named Michael) who rush into a relationship despite barely knowing each other, because of traumatic circumstances . And who are not endgame! She’s mimicking the female character who (has romantic feelings for a guy named Mike). Just like Mike projects Will on to El. El does the same projecting qualities of soap-opera Mike Roy onto our Mike Wheeler.

 - For El’s entire life she has known only 4 boys and 1 girl her age (her dating options are pathetically puny). She knew 4 boys for less then then a week, then immediately jumped into dating the first one who kissed her (and the only one who visited her for her 6 months in isolation at the cabin...interacting with her only romantic option, Mike).She’s never had a normal social-life  like most kids who interact with a large number of  boys and girls. So she could never see if what she had for Mike was romantic (or more than a simple crush) cause she has nothing to compare it to. 

In s3 

- Dustin compares stancy to Mileven stating it’s “bullshit”. And in s1 mileven is compared to Karen/Ted, as El sits and enjoys Ted’s laz-eboy chair. Similar to how Steve and Ted both eat chicken as their female partners storm away upset, and both men do nothing to help. Nancy states the only reason Karen and Ted got married was because they were young and that getting together was the more ‘socially acceptable/logical choice’ and saying “I don’t think my parents ever loved each other.” John says Nancy was repeating her mom’s mistakes by getting with the jock (Steve) , similar to how her mom got with a wealthy man (Ted). And now Mike is repeating Nancy and Karen’s mistakes getting with a girl cause it’s the logical choice (instead of being with the boy he loves).It’s mutual though (just like the Wheeler parents, mileven never loved each other).

-  In s3 El even says “How do I know what I like?” In reference to clothes and Max says she has to figure that out on her own without letting Mike or Hopper influence her. Associating mileven with El’s lack of understanding of knowing what she likes. This poor girl doesn’t even know how to interpret what objects she likes but we’re supposed to believe , before this she knew with certainty she liked Mike romantically?! 

Later Max even asks her “Is Mike a good kisser?” And she similarly answers “I don’t know, he’s my first boyfriend”. While staring at a pic of the karate-kid ( right after she dumped Mike).  Implying subconsciously she’s thinking of other boys , who are not Mike in the future. Which is actually very similar to the soap opera character who went on to have many marriages after being “in love with” Michael. Plus, despite making out with him everyday for 6 months straight- she doesn’t feel strongly , and is neutral/confused about how kissing him makes her feel (similar to clothes).

This is also in direct opposition to Will, who said he expected him and Mike to never get girlfriends and spend the rest of their lives together, and who later cries while looking at a picture of Mike. Unlike El who is happy and swooning over a pic of a random male celeb. They even have El (after breaking up with Mike) happily read comics books with Max, while Will (right before his breaks down) throws his comic on the floor, frustrated he can’t get his mind off of his fight with Mike.

- Also if she’s ‘so in love with him’ as people claim, her  laughing right after breaking up with him and having a party with Max makes little to no sense. And if you say she simply ‘doesn’t understand how breakups work’... you’re just proving my point that she’s too naive and not emotionally-mature enough to be in a romantic-relationship in the first place.  The breakup between Mileven was comedic, while Byler’s fight was serious, cause byler’s fight is more important to the writers .Mike’s drastically different expressions after the fight. The dramatic framing in the rain vs the casual comedic after-math at the mall. One fight being in front of a crowd, while byler’s fight was something private and just between them. El smiling vs Will’s heartbreak. It just highlights once again Will loves Mike, and El doesn’t!

- After Mike says to  El (in the pool shed) she’s “the most important thing in the world “, to him. She ignores his proclamation, and agrees with Hopper that they’re spending too much time together, and tells him they both need to  spend time with their own species. Which is contrasted with Mike’s confession in the Byers-shed (in s2) where Mike says, asking Will to be his friend was the ‘best thing he’s ever done’ . And those words were what helped break Will from his possession.

The framing of this mileven scene was not cinematic or heartfelt, and neither was the delivery from Mike.We as the audience are supposed to take his words as seriously as El- aka , not at all. Because the scene and his words were meant to feel empty.  He’s not crying, trying to reach her with proclamations of his genuine feelings. There’s no narrative importance to this scene (unlike byler’s). And there’s no dramatic music, framing, lighting or shot composition (and the pool-scene was also incredibly short).

Then, juxtapose this to the MUCH longer byler scene. A literal single tear falls down Mike’s cheek, as he recounts the first day they met. This whole monologue is only of tight shots of just their faces (their bodies aren’t shown like in the pool shed scene). This is a personal moment between them and them alone- and the fact we zoom in on their faces (expresses this to be important emotionally) . And when we see Will’s reaction to Mike saying “it was the best thing I’ve ever done”. We just see Will’s face only- no music is playing and all we hear is  Will’s whimpers and Mike crying in the background. They even have an added layer to this because earlier in the season Will assumes John only hangs out with him because he has no friends. But then Mike (despite all the hardships with the demogorgan and Mindflayer) still tells Will that asking him to be his friend was still the best thing he’s ever done. And those words are  what helps Will begin to break from his possession .

-When Max makes fun of how Mike talks to much, El agrees and laughs. And similarly when Max says Mike is wrong and it isn’t just “a break” El once again chuckles.  This is not the behavior of someone who’s deeply in love with a person.

Canonically El isn’t even into Mike’s real personality traits or his interests. Not only making fun of how he talks too much, but walking away and ignoring him when he excitedly talked about dinosaurs or makes jokes with the cpr dummy. She’s not into ‘nerds’. She only swooned for him in s3 when he was acting like a ‘bad-boy’ who was disrespectful to Hopper and his friends. Probably, because that’s what the tv has conditioned her to like. 

-Robin who had feelings for a girl also points out that Steve “didn’t even like her” despite all the attention Tammy gave him (similar to Mike with El).  Tammy is a someone who sucks at singing but does it all the time (COUGH insert mike’s singing in s3 as  El cuts him off as a parallel XD) .  And Robin annoyed also call’s Steve’s  hair “stupid”  like how Will called El “stupid”.  Implying similar to Steve who didn’t like Tammy (who his gay friend was crushing on) ... EL doesn’t like Mike (Who Will is in love with).

- She also never apologizes for spying on Mike-despite it clearly upsetting him. But to be fair Mike NEVER apologized for lying either (the cause of their breakup). It’s just so obvious they’re not compatible on any level. They can’t even agree to respect each others’ core principles; C’mon guys!

-Her whole arc in s2 was about leaving the cabin and learning more about herself and gaining independence from men controlling her autonomy (aka hopper and brenner). She went from wanting to see her friends and leave the cabin that she was forced to remain in because of Hopper. To in s3 , ignoring her friends and choosing to seclude herself in the cabin even when (unlike s2 ) she was allowed out of the house! All because she was dating mike.She directly went against her own mantra of “friends don’t lie” from s2 , lying to her friends to return to the cabin and kiss mike- limiting her much needed social interaction which she obtained by escaping the cabin in s2. Dating Mike caused her character to regress as a character NOT PROGRESS.

But also... El had no issues lying to her friends to ditch them and kiss mike (compromising her mantra of “friends don’t lie”. Just like Mike who lied to El despite him teaching her the saying in the first place- and how when together he stops being the group leader. They literally bring out the worst in each other! Lucas even says “ they’re lying”. Before Dustin says their relationship is “bullshit”. But then when Mike lied to her, that’s when she dumps him? And of course El pretends she didn’t hear the “I love her” (a form of lying). This is a stereotypical-childish-middle school-romance that falls apart easily based on petty reasons, cause it lacks a strong foundation. XD

-Then we’re supposed to believe she loves Mike-despite ignoring his love confession for 3 months?! Only saying she “loves” him (and‘making-up’ with him) right before she is about to move, and despite knowing about it for so long? To be fair she had other things to deal with (moving in with the Byers and losing Hopper). But it’s also suspicious it happens right after Mike helps her grab the teddy bear she can’t reach. This is because she used 2 different stuffed bears (Hopper and Terry’s in s2) as a comfort objects (and in s3 Will’s). In s2, she’d snuggle with them when she felt abandoned or at her lowest emotionally. And even the (romantic) ‘golden-teddy bear gift’ Mike was going to give her , was an empty gesture- that would of meant less than simply apologizing. She even wears Hopper’s shirt at the end of s3 which in s2 she snuggled with when homesick.  Her using teddy bears like s2,  wearing Hopper’s shirt from s2 (and undoing the s3 makeover where Max said to dress what felt like her and NOT Mike & Hopper),  and kissing Mike again, symbolizes all her character development was undone from s3- it’s symbolic of her CHARACTER REGRESSION. Just like how in s3 she stayed in the cabin and lied to her friends (when she started to date Mike)- undoing her character arc from s2 which was in direct opposition to her s2 character arc. Mileven’s kissing at the end of s3 shows it’s a bad for El’s growth and inhibits it- that’s what  season 3 was saying!

El feels vulnerable  because she’s moving away and  still hasn’t gotten her powers back. But  then Mike comes in and gives her, her comfort object (which she couldn’t retrieve by herself, when she tried to use her telekenesis. That’s when El (conveniently) decides to proclaim she’s in love with him too. While in Will’s room, holding Will’s old teddy bear, as the teddybear comes between Mike and El (as they kiss).  It’s obvious (unlike Will) she doesn’t love him , but has just formed a co-dependency to him- and is looking for stability given all the new changes in her life. Like Hopper’s letter said “I don’t want things to change.” She preferred life when Hopper was still around and she had this fake fantasy that Mike was a good boyfriend- before s3.

-And again the very last shot we see of El and Will shows once again El doesn’t love Mike, the way Will does. (Image by  @tsugarubecker)

She’s not as distraught or crying like Will is. She’s smiling with light over 1/2 her face because even if El struggles in a new environment she’ll be fine without her friends/Mike who she knew for 9 months. Honestly, other than Mike, she only knew the others for 3 months (since El never went out and only hung out with Mike). She’s hopeful . Will won’t be - because he actually loves Mike and won’t be able to have a new party , and will be a mess without his support system of friends, that he’s had for years! (Why jonathan looks at him concerned- when he’s just crying. With absolutely no hope in his face- covered in shadow , the opposite of El).

So again I say- EL IS NOT IN LOVE WITH MIKE! And, she will not be ‘heartbroken’ or devastated when they breakup. Frankly, her being away from Mike and gaining independence from Hawkins, and meeting new people is the best thing the writers could do for her character growth.

[thegothicviking]

This...

Earlier (around 10 pm, May 14th) out of nowhere....

Me and my mom got invited to my Maternal grandfather's 75th birthday. And meeting grandpa Viking would have been great if it wasn't for the fact that I haven't seen this man in

14-15 years. I wish I was kidding. But it's true. I haven't seen his face or heard his voice in 14-15 years.

AND he even got himself a new girlfriend!

Here is the story; my maternal grandmother (his first wife) died of breast cancer when I was 5 and my sister was 7.

After that there was a fight between my grandpa and my mom (she is the oldest of his children) about who was going to heritage the old house (the first house me, my mom, my dad and my sister lived in from I was 0-2 years old before we moved where me and my mom still lives now). And that fight just kept this man, my grandpa to slowly but steadily withdraw himself from his own family. Stopped congratulating us on our birthdays. Stopped sending holiday cards...stopped coming for visits.

THEN (when I was around 8 or 10? I think?) he got himself a girlfriend or re-married...I don't remember if they ever got married or were engaged but his new gf/wife really took initiative to include me, my mom, my sister, my aunt and uncles (my mom's siblings) and my cousins so we could all be together like a family should be.

But then something must have happened to my grandpa and his ex gf, because he began to withdraw himself again and according to my mom he told her that they had broken up. And so he kept withdrawing himself. Shutting us out.

And this is why all of this is extra sad;

Grandpa Viking still lives in the same house he did as when my grandma was still alive. Same house. Same adress.

This house is literally about a 30 - 40 minute busride away from me and my mom (my parents got divorced and my sister has moved out and lives in a different city, far away).

So this means that my grandpa has been living close to me, all this time. But what's even sadder is that;

His birthday is a day before mine. (May 15th and mine is May 16th) And I have always been aware of this. We used to celebrate our birthdays together when I was a baby and until my grandma passed away.

And NOW..out of nowhere...with less than 24 hour notice...his NEW girlfriend (that I had no idea about) wants me and my mom and probably also my uncle (my aunt and other uncle lives too far away)...to come and celebrate grandpa Viking's 75th birthday.

My mom asked me if I wanted to join.

My mom had told him over the phone that me and my sister were in Bergen or that "they are in Bergen" although my sister is the only one who lives there.

But my mom let me decide. And she said she had full understanding if I didn't want to come. As I haven't seen this man for 14-15 years.

But I accepted the invitation! I am going! I will meet grandpa Viking! I have no idea about his physical or mental health or how his and my late grandma's house looks on the inside today. I hope it looks like how I remember it. I remember it clearly.

I AM nervous! For 15 years this man has been "dead" to me. And its odd that I will meet him NOW as I have thought about him alot lately/past couple of years. Wondering how he looked like now. Wondering if I should randomly drive to his house and see him.

And now I AM going to see him!! And it feels surreal! And it might be the last time I will ever see him. He might die very soon or he may not enjoy our meeting and withdraw himself again. This might be the last chance I have! To see grandpa Viking! (It's from his last name that I have the word Viking in my full name. No seriously..I AM actually Viking something!)

He might hate the way I look now with my plum-red hair, my lip percing and my harshly drawn brows... I don't know!?!? I don't know what kind of a grandpa he could have been. The last conversation I had with him was short. I was 14-15 and my mom hadn't come home from work. I invited him inside for coffee although I had no idea how to make coffee with the coffee machine. He declined. He sat down and read the newspaper that was left on the livingroom table by my mom. And then out of nowhere he began to talk to me about how the prices of houses/apartments had gone up. As if I could have moved out at the age of only 15....??

And now he will see me again. One day before I'm turning 29. Of course I could have rejected him. Like he has withdrawn from me. But if this is a chance to have him in my life, even if only for 5-10 more years. Then I'll take it!

What is past is the past. It is what it is...although my mom has told me to play along and pretend for his new gf that me and grandpa Viking have been superclose this entire time..(as we don't know how much this girlfriend knows about our broken family ties.)

The thing that makes me the most nervous is that unfortunately (like my mom) I do look alot like my grandma. I have her face, her smile and her eyes. I hope seeing me won't remind him too much of her. I don't want to be the reason for why he is hurting. I don't know anything about his current health! I hope our meeting goes well. I am excited and nervous!

But If our meeting doesn't go well, if he doesn't accept me or us, me and my mom (for whatever reason) and wants to withdraw himself again...then I can't force him back. In the end this will be his decision. But I am open for (even a short) relationship with him. If he wants to.

But like my mom always says;

"If they don't want to do anything or doesn't want to be with you...you can't force them!"

Hopefully the meeting goes well, though we obviously cant hug each other in these times...

But I'm excited! Wish me good luck! 🤞

[meteor752]

The Lotr cast in my universe/I do what I want here’s some headcanons

Aragorn

Mom

The ultimate mom

Likes swords more than people

Likes horses more than swords

If you can beat him in a duel then he’s attracted to you

Marries Legolas

Doesn’t fully understand all this human stuff

An elf to the core

Sometimes just eats rocks

Has never heard of a bath ever

Loves hugs

What is sleep?

Legolas

Drama queen to the max

Kind of a slut

Ultimate big brother

Lightweight in elven standards

Priorities his hair over his life

Probs eats dirt

Do it for the aesthetic™

A diva

What are these feelings??

Marries Aragorn

Likes to show off his husband

Gimli

Smol

Even in dwarves standards he’s smol

Full of rage

Will fight everyone

Especially that fancy elf

Accidentally became BFF with that fancy elf

Loves food more than anything

Is really a softy

Wants loooooove

Boromir

Bisexual bitch

What am I doing here

Talks about his brother non stop

Was kinda in love with Aragorn

Dad

The ultimate dad

Is always concerned for the hobbits

Dad jokes to the max

What is going on

Is always scared

Would do anything to protect his people

Name puns

Is just done with everything

Sass queen

Frodo

Someone come pick me up I’m scared

Gay af

Wide eyed little bean

Kinda ugly in hobbit standards

It was considered odd that Sam, aka a total hottie when it comes to hobbits, fell for him

Really good writer

Really good story teller

So much trauma tucked into one small boi

Anxiety

Really loves to dance

Sam

So soft

Too soft for his own good

Cries when he sees something pretty

Way too loyal for his own good

Half of the shire is in love with him

He’s really devoted to his Frodo though

Never mess with a shire gardener

Would die for every member of the fellowship

Kinda clueless but he means well

Merry

Chaotic child #1

Smarter than he looks

Is actually one of the smartest people in the shire

Really bad at riddles and stuff though

Doesn’t really understand jokes either

Transgender

Oblivious af

Has no idea his best friend as been in love with him for years

Guys what’s happening

Barely knows why the fellowship was formed in the first place, he just followed along

Always has hair in his face

Thinks hair clips are the best invention in the world

Pippin

Chaotic child #2

His mind is just constant elevator music

In love with Merry

Is really obvious about that fact as well

Crushes on everyone though

And with everyone I mean everyone

Emotional bby

Would probs jump off a cliff if someone told him to

Is always cold

He’s baby

Faramir

Someone give him a hug please

The second most traumatized person on this list

Has a real problem coming out of his shell

Wants to become a healer

Is an apprentice under Sigrid

Is constantly given affection by his brother

Has a fear of fire

Loves to have his hair stroked

Éomer is more than happy to do that

Please hug him I beg you

Éowyn

Will fight you

Will fight everyone

Female rights activists

Bff with Tilda

In love with Arwen

Has a Sword fight with Aragorn every time they meet in an attempt to finally beat him

Cut her hair short because it was annoying

Butch af

Doesn’t mind dresses though

Total lightweight

Éomer

Gay

So very gay

A real flirt too

A bit of a dick

Is doing his best to be better

Loves his horse more than anyone

Except Faramir

But his horse is a close second

Tries his best to calm his sister down

But he’s also kind of proud of her

Stands by her side in her fight for equality

Is really guilty over his cousin’s and uncle’s deaths

Has a bit of a drinking problem

Arwen

The purest being in all of Middle Earth

Loves her siblings

Despite that one is adopted

She doesn’t care

She loves him

A really soft singing voice

Loves her horse

And her cat

She has a cat

It’s a white fluffy one named Brithil

Is actually really fucking strong

And stubborn

Loves her butch gf

Sigrid

Is always either tired, angry, or done

Sometimes it’s all three when she’s around Tilda

Has Vitiligo

One of the best healers in middle earth

Loves dwarves culture

Dyed her hair blue for a while, just because

“I can break every bone in your body while naming them” is basically her life quote

Hates elves

Has had crushes on multiple elves

Loves stories and fairytales

Misses her mom a lot

Is a rather good musician

Never sleeps ever

Would kill for a pastry

Bain

A Sweetheart!!

Lost his ability to see in the Battle Of The Five Armies

Has a problem when it comes to pets

He adopts too many

Loves to sleep

Just tries to calm his sisters’ constant arguing down

Fell in love with two elves

Had a half elf child named Brand who became the lord of Dale after Sigrid died

Captain of the Dale guard

Loves to swim

Is honestly just the sweetest boy

Tilda

A bitch

Just a straight up bitch

Loves elves culture

Will never wear anything that isn’t green

Slutty af

Loves fire

Has an as bitchy elk as pet

Bff with Èowyn

Has no idea what to do with her life

Climbs everything

Is smol

Wants to be tol

Is not allowed to meet Merry and Pippin, because Middle Earth would be doomed

Has been trying to get Aragorn and Legolas together since she was fifteen

Can’t say no to dares because she ain’t no pussy

Never met her mom, and hates the very thought of her

Is really insecure and depressed, someone help

[alchemist-shizun]

have you ever do coming out? how it was?

I did, and let me tell you, I'm really really lucky, even if not every one of them was a good experience.

I've only fully come out to my other LGBT+ friends, online or irl, who are of course very accepting of everything.

I've come out about my sexuality only (the one I identified with at the time, which actually I realized wasn't for me this year) to a very few number of irl non lgbt+ friends in different occasions, it went really well in both, one quite literally made me feel like it was the most normal thing in the world since I was telling a story and he was completely unfazed when I mentioned I had a gf. The other two were really happy I could open up and trust them and were really supportive and would always ask me how it went with the girl I was with at the time. (these two were around 2018)

Then my family. Well.

This one's a little complicated because it's not that they hate me or kicked me out or anything I just kinda.. Feel like they don't care. And it's the type where you would be scared to bring up anything about the community because you're convinced they wouldn't care nor want to know anything. It's the type of "as long as you don't bother me I don't mind." which is the type of mindset my dad has a lot in regards to my sister's bf (just fyi, she's 21 and he's 23 so like... Wow thanks. Sometimes I feel bad for how he treats her about her bf.)

So when I came out about my sexuality to my mum, she was fine with it, we just talked about some lighthearted stuff.

Then she asked me something where I made a huge mistake, she said "do you want me to tell dad for you?" and I said yes, since I'm too scared. Well in hindsight I should've kept my mouth shut about it: see basically at the time I had an online girlfriend who was a couple of years older than me, and I mentioned that to mum, and basically when my dad confronted me, he did it in the worst way possible.

He was mad I was in a relationship with this person and he claimed she promised me something out of it?? Like I was with her only because of something and not because we liked each other. He hated (I think he still does, softened up a bit because my sister has had a long distance bf for 1 year) internet friendships or relationships and my mum lowkey did too because she kept saying how basically it's not real because it's all digital and digital life isn't real. (this really upsets me because what, then you would excuse cyber bullying with that type of reasoning? But whatever, not the topic)

So he was really mad at me and demanded he looked through my phone, to which I couldn't say no or else he would think I was hiding something (and anyway, if I said no he would've done it anyway), and he started looking through the entire chat (and other ones with my friends) and read thousands of texts.

Now at the time I had only said I liked both boys and girls cause I know the concept of nonbinary is already too complicated for them to understand and unfortunately my dad came across the label pansexual (since the gf at the time was pan), I explained it to him and he just said I read too many things on the internet.

Imagine how hurt I was because that was actually how I used to identify back then.

Things escalated during those months, everytime he got mad at me, he would randomly take my phone and read conversations I had with this girl and he would comment on them just because and make me feel even worse, he basically hated her and lowkey hated the fact that I was with her.

The worst thing was that I sadly vented to her about him sometimes and he would basically prohibit me to vent and that's how I ended up deleting every single vent moment I had right after we talked. Years later I come to know that my sister had actually access to my chatting app and would tell my dad what we said, which is why he told me back then "I know you're deleting texts".

My mum wanted to send me to therapy because she didn't understand a single thing of what I said when I said I wasn't sure whether I liked boys girls AND more or just boys and girls. She thought I meant I didn't know if I was straight or not, I meant I didn't know if I was bi or pan, which is why I never mentioned gender identities to them and why I am closeted about me being nonbinary to them. (btw this was the understanding of the difference between bi and pan at the time, I was 15, I now know it's more complicated than that.)

About my sister, she came to know in the worst way possible too. For some reason I was afraid she would be homophobic and after I told mum, there was this one time I was at a restaurant with family friends and my cousins, aunt and uncle.

May I say I was sitting right between my cousin and my sister and in front of my aunt.

Unprompted, she asks me if I'm gay, but like she used this Italian phrase that I really don't like much, since it's usually used to make jokes by straight people about someone being gay.

I was there like GOD FUCKING DAMN IT we're LITERALLY next to our cousin and aunt COULD U SAY THAT LOWER. I told her I wasn't straight and, I don't remember much really, but she was offended I didn't tell her first. Like, wow, okay, coming out is difficult as fuck, but go on, be offended.

I had to go to the bathroom right after because I had an anxiety attack.

After things quieted down with my parents (as in my dad wasn't taking my phone as much), things started escalating with the girl I was with, she assumed a rather toxic behavior and I ended up dumping her.

Can still remember how my sister told me dad had said "thank goodness" when he learnt I wasn't with that girl anymore.

How also my mum said "cmon maybe next time you'll get a boyfriend". Wonderful comfort mum yes I already had a bf before, he dumped me one month after because he liked someone else not sure I want to try the experience again!! :)

Anyway, this is the reason why I do not talk about my relationships to my parents anymore. I had a girlfriend for almost 2 years and my dad knew nothing. My sister did because she actually grew a little bit better about this stuff (she's the embarrassing questions type, but at least she's not a bitch) and my mum knew around 6 months in, because she asked and we were alone. (I still think she thinks I'm a lesbian)

Also the reason why, when I got a pride flag while on school journey in the UK, I hid it in my drawer. And the reason why I'm terrified of asking of going to pride.

As of now, I have a lovely partner and yes, my entire family absolutely doesn't know and will not know if not strictly necessary. Maybe I will tell my sister, I was thinking about it, because that could probably make some personal stuff less difficult to do.

See, technically it's not that bad now, we just never bring it up at all and I never think about the clusterfuck of things that happened in 2016.

[futurewriter2000]

Something about self love

Here’s the thing that has been roaming my mind last night for almost a whole night. I don’t know why but I feel I should write this down.

It’s about self love and I know, you rolled your eyes and just went “we know this already.”- yeah, probably you do but just hear me out. 

Everybody always talks about loving yourself first. That when you start to love yourself, you’ll be able to see everythng more beautiful and love others more deeply. That’s what most posts and most people say but nobody really tells you how to do it or if you even ever loved yourself. Do you love yourself? Did you ever? 

People make you insecure, you become insecure and you hate those insecurities of you. Everybody has been there, everybody still is there but you know what? All those insecurities are so NORMAL. 

Becasue you know this: you know that every individual has a different skin structure, different hair structure, nail structure and appereantly, genetics are a thing. And when somebody tells you they do this to get rid of their acne, or they use this product to soften their hair- that doesn’t necesserally imply to you. 

You see this person with flawless skin and pretty long hair but you don’t really know what this person goes through to get that. Or they have a body so beautifully shaped- like an hourglass or something but that’s not you. She/ he was born with an hourglass shape, you could have been born with a triangle shape body or pear-like body. So you cannot compare yourself to other people, especially if that person is a celebrety with tons of money and tons of operations behind. You can’t compare yourself to them as much as they cannot compare themselves to you. 

Your insecurities are there and if you have acne, consider it normal. It’s natural, especially if you’re going through a puberty or you are over-stressed or you have a disease. It is natural. It is normal. You are not the only one. It’s the same with body shape, body fat, body length, body in genereal. Maybe your legs are stocky and your upper body is slender and that’s confusing you. Your hands could be too small but someone else’s could think that their hands are too big and yours just look so perfect. And then you have the skin colour. Some tan quicker, some just turn into tomatoes. Some people have skin disorders and they are so insecure about it because what if other people make fun of you because of it. Yeah, well they probably will. You can’t stop those assholes but you also have to know that their perspective doesn’t reach into your background. They don’t know what you’re dealing with and their opinion shouldn’t matter at all because it’s your skin, not theirs. It’s your body, not theirs. Every insecurity you have is yours to deal with and not theirs but you will deal with it. You can get rid of it but only if you accept it as something normal- as something natural. We all have blisters, we all have bad hair days, we all have acne and pimples and stretch marks and whatever else there comes but let me tell you that once you accept it as part of yourself, you’ll understand just how powerful those insecurities can make you. 

I’ve been insecure of my hands all my life. Baby hands, big and chubby and I used to hate them and I am so insecure about them but you know what. My dad and uncle have them (they are twins) and my nana had them and it’s genetic. I can’t help what genes I get. I wish I had my mom’s pretty green eyes genes but I have black- brown eyes and I love them. I wish I had my sister’s fast metabolism and sknny genes but guess what, my body is stocky, my legs have celulite, my arms, breasts and back has stretch marks but you want to know why? Because when I got sick I lost 10 kg in a week and a half. It happened and I can’t heal that now. I just can’t. It’s too late to heal it, so I accepted it and I like it because it makes my body much more beautiful. I have dry corners of my lips and now I found out that it could be beause of dehidration, too much sugar, too much alcohol, no vitamin intake, iron deficienty or however that is spelled. Guess I have to take care of my body for it to take care of me back.

You know what I didn’t know until like... January this year. I didn’t know people preffered me with no makeup. They said that I’m so much better without makeup and I was like why? I have pimples and acne and look like a frog- and they were said I’m dumb to think that because I always thought everybody else thought my sister was prettier than me because she is skinny and she puts makeup on and she has nice big teeth and amazing curly hair but everybody, even she said to me that I look so pretty with and without makeup. They said that they like my natural look, you know when I don’t put foundation to hide my delicate red skin. However, everybody does hate my puffy hair. They wild and realy hard to handle but I always hated to iron my hair, even if it does make me prettier, I decided to learn to do head braids. Like side head braids, one brain from the top of my head and if you just saw this guys face when he saw me doing it without looking in the mirror. Boy, did I impress him all because I didn’t want to iron my hair, actualyl accepted the wilderness of my hair and started to deal with it in different ways. And you know what’s the funny part? I always used to think people were so bothered by the pimple on the side of my head or my red tomato face after we ran in sports class but they could give less. A classmate called me a tomato once but later he said that I look so adorable with all that redness on my face. I have small teeth and I hate smiling but man do people like my teeth for some odd reason. They are not even white- like not that celebrety white because guess what? I don’t have the money to buy shit that makes them white but people don’t care because when I smile my eyes appereantly go super smiley and it’s adorable. They like my insecurities. Girls see my big boobs that kill my back and jump out of my bra but they are like with thes large wide eyes, going: “Your boobs are so big and perfect.” and my sister used to make me insecure becuase of them but guess what my mom said? -God didn’t give you this much boobs to hide them. You got them, so show them and I did and appereantly people like big boobs. So in a shell, my sister’s perspective became my perspective on my big breasts, thinking they are deformed and too big and ugly because of that but you know what, idc what she thinks because when I put that bra on and that shirt on and my boobs become beautiful! My big hands actually can have a ring and my stretchmarks look so gorgeous when I tan. 

So, yeah.... self love can to some people be overrated but once you do love yourself, you get to see just how underrated self love really is because once you accept yourself for who you are and stop lookign what other people think or see in you, you just feel this lightness about yourself and you want to see what would happen if instead of that clothing, you buy the one everybody tells you it won’t suit you. Or instead of the soft pink lipstic you try the daring red one. Or if guys grow out hair because they have just wanted to do that for a long time but people kept telling them guys can’t have man buns or long hair. LIKE HELO?! I never thought long hair woud suit my cousin so much. Never! He looks like a fucking model and it still makes me wonder how tf he still does not have a gf. 

I just want you to see how much potential you have. To see how beautiful you are once you see it for yourself because once you accept yourself, you’ll get this light inside of you that will only wow other people more. You are beautiful once you decide to see it.