#why am i still broken
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did yall know cricut put a metal strip in the back of their newer Maker 3 that doesn't do anything except pop out after like six months of regular use and force you to call customer service so they can tell you to replace the machine
well they did and instead of calling them and replacing an entire functional fucking machine you can just cut the bar out and put tape over what's left
fuck offfff,
#why are you so mad all the time aria#i don't know probably because i am trying to run a business in 2024 where all my options are absolute dogshit proprietary equipment#anyway this one is new less than a year old and this is the SECOND thing that's broken on it#lee Inherited my old one#that printed thousands of stickers and other shit and is still functioning perfectly to cut fabric for them#this is the exact same model but With New Upgrades :)#because my old one ran so long they don't make it any more#i'm so irritated today jfccccc
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merry christmas !🎅❤️💚
#if anyone says lewis and celeste are too old to still believe in santa ill fight them🤺 i used to get into fights with my bestie too LMAO#i am a santa truther...i believed in santa till i was like 10/11 and my grandma got so annoyed that SHE told me he wasnt real LMAO#then i went to my room and wrote in my diary and cried onto the pages and i wrote “these are my tears from when i learned santa wasnt real”#LMAOOO so drama...💃💃#part of the reason i believe in santa for so long is 1) because my dad would go on the roof and leave snowy footprints#but 2) because i literally have a false memory i just conjured up???#one year for xmas we got a toy and it wasnt working/it was broken#and in MY memory we got a knock at the door and there was a brand new version of the toy waiting on the doorstep (from santa)#but what ACTUALLY happened when i told my mom about it is that we just went to the store later and exchanged it for a working version#so i have no idea why i just have that false memory but i remember it so clearly LMAOOOO#anyway santa is real thanks for coming to my ted talk🎅#hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow x mc#sebastian sallow x oc#sebastian x mc#clora clemons#lewis sallow#celeste sallow#choccyart
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in my head, kieran survived the o’driscoll kidnapping, but by the time he’d got back to shady belle after someone found him bleeding out in the street and took him to the doctor, the gang was gone, and he took the opportunity to escape the gang lifestyle, running off to strawberry and beginning work with the timber folks
years later, you can find him at pronghorn ranch in epilogue 1, lovingly tending to the horses in the barn when you go to scoop the manure, and he’s made an honest living for himself. and the o’driscolls are gone because sadie killed then all and he is finally safe and happy is anyone listening can anyone hear me
#does anyone care where javier fits in here#in my little mind world they run off together but not at the same time#i want to write more about this but i have no idea where to start and this is all i can find the words for at the moment#if my brain can work for a little longer i may reblog w javi’s side of this au#it takes him a lot longer to actually buck up and run off but it happens literally right before the pinkertons come to beaver hollow#like he takes the opportunity during the height of the confusion when john renters camp to run off#because john is alive and dutch lied and he misses kieran so much and it’s just his last straw#his heart is broken and loyalty matters to him still more than anything but it isn’t dutch he’s loyal to anymore#i’m literally delusional#autism is a crazy thing cuz why am i literally making up an entire au and constantly thinking abt a ship that literally only 3 people in the#world ship#please put me down i wish i could have gotten hyperfixated on a Normal ship but noooo#it’s THIS ONE#someone please indulge me i have so may thinks and thots#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#kieran duffy#javieran#i won’t tag javi because. he’s literally not mentioned in the actual post LOL#text#hero's talking to himself again
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Hey. Sorry about the inactivity, but pretty sure no one cared that much anyways lol. Been a looooong time since I kept that distant from Tumblr…at least now I know I’m able to survive without checking posts every day/being chronically online! I’ve got an intense love-hate relationship with this lifestyle I’ve dug myself into. Think I’m getting a little bit better with the balance even if school isn’t really giving me an option. Got a load of work I need to keep catching up on if I don’t want to disappoint my professors. We’ll survive somehow. Here take a quick batch of Puzzle doodles k bye
#the hell am I so anxious about? maybe it’s just overstimulation stuff#hoping it’ll die down because I can’t keep enjoying myself when I’m like this#seriously is starting to mess with my flight responses over the tiniest things#like yea obviously I needed to stay logged out of Tumblr so I would focus more on schoolwork#but uhhhh gonna be transparent and say a huge part of it is the jolts of anxiety :(#like even the thought of logging back here has caused me to feel like sweating#my brain kept saying ‘no I don’t want to I can’t do that’ even when I felt bad for missing out on others posts#like I want to be here so I can support my mutuals dammit!!!#I’m a mess. I’m such a broken mess oh great lovely spectacular#maybe the culminating stress of final exam deadlines is worsening stuff as well#I can’t tell you why I’m like this I just am 🙃#anyways thinking I’ll start adapting to the distance. Sorry but being a shut-in is more appealing right now#I just need time to be with myself and not be so invested in the lives of others#anyways what’s something mildly positive I can wrap this up with so I don’t seem pathetic….#ah yes the final Puzzle sketch here was drawn today before a class period#one of my fellow classmates noticed and audibly asked me ‘is that Mr. Puzzles?’#IT TOOK EVERTHING IN MY WILLPOWER TO NOT LET OUT A GIDDY SHRIEK#Felt like my eyes bulged and I jolted in enthusiasm jskjsksp spontaneous happiness?? actally experiencing the feeling of fitting in??#anyways I responded with a very normal ���WAIT YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM???’ while trying to suppress grinning or going ‘teehee’#anyways now it’s my personal mission to keep initiating conversations with her because AUUUUUGH SHE KNOWS WHO HE IS I’M LOSING IT#proceeded to talk about Murder Drones & TADC like holy SHIT I didn’t think I would ever find animation peeps in my psychology class auuu 😭💜#it’s a MIRACLE man this may be a sign that college won’t be isolating anymore yaaaaayyy#PUZZLE IS SINGLE HANDILY HELPING ME TALK TO PEOPLE BOTH ONLINE AND IRL THIS IS WILD#all hail the best comfort character seriously holy shit—like imagine she never noticed me drawing Puzzles!! I’D STILL BE LONELY AS HELL#okay sorry I’ll stop typing like a teenager and go back to pretending to be well-versed in speech & conducting myself ‘normally’ :3#doodles#sketches#hplonesome art#not tagging with Puzzles because hahaaaaa don’t look at me
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Something I realized (which was obvious to me subconsciously) is that... The family that vehemently didn't accept me when I first came out but now do accept me are still the same family that I am most unwilling to be open about things I feel protective over.
I remember that my dad reacted so poorly, not to my coming out, but to my transition specifically that my therapist was the one to ask if I wanted to put it on my file that I wanted nothing to ever be shared with him about my health after I broke down multiple times due to my anxiety that I would never transition. While there are and were protections for me, I was incredibly fearful at the time because I was a minor, and I was so worried that he would have prevented my transition that I couldn't have said for certain what (if any) lengths he would have gone to to prevent that.
He's grown a lot as a person, and made some commendable strides. But he didn't find out from me when I medically transitioned the second I turned eighteen, and I think that's among the things that truly made him realize the scope of the issue.
I'm not here to guilt trip parents, guardians, or other members responsible for the care of the children or teens or young adults in their care.... but this is a cautionary tale. You aren't saving the people in your care when you do this, you simply reinforce an idea that you will never care for them, never want them as they are, would rather them be shoved away.
When you give people reasons to be secretive, they will behave secretively. When you give people reasons to doubt their safety around you, they will become sneaky, defensive, and withdrawn. When you give people reasons to doubt that you value their life, they will believe that you don't care if they live or not.
#queer#lgbt#lgbtq#ally advice#transphobia#transphobia tw#i always feel the need to preface that i have a rebuilt relationship with my dad specifically...#...but that my experiences with them have served to me in many ways to illustrate... well... what NOT to do if you are in his situation#i do still grieve that my relationship with him looks very scarred and that it took a long time to get to where he is now#but i recognize that in many ways this is a product of the world and culture we live in and that he lived in#in a world he grew up gay was used as a slur. would i expect that trans people would be treated better?#and he was responsible for how he reacted but also... it's nuanced as to why he reacted so poorly#and i want people to AVOID being like he did if they EVER want a decent relationship with the other person#i want this to be a cautionary tale and that my ending is unique. not all of us are even ABLE to repair a relationship that was THAT broken#some of us die trying. some of us never get closure. some of us are in active danger because of those reactions#and that's the more common reality i have found. most other queer people have no-contact with families who pulled the shit my dad had...#...and that's - frankly - a good idea in 99.9% of cases. i will never judge someone for the way they go about dealing with that#i'm just emphasizing that i am unique in the sense that i was able to somewhat repair that
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SESSION 5 DOODLES (SPOILERS)!!!!!!!!
aaaand some zooms!:
(desc. from top left to bottom right: joel getting slippery from the quizbot, lizzie just generally being scared of the quizbot, the BAMBOOZLERS!!!, mumbo. , joel doing his 7 block jump and just cleo being there)
drew these all last night after joel posted bc i forced myself to wait for joel’s before getting spoiled 😭
#trafficblr#wild life smp#wild life#smallishbeans#ldshadowlady#goodtimeswithscar#solidaritygaming#mumbo jumbo#ethoslab#zombiecleo#QUIZBOT!!!!!#or quizmaster idk.#the little guy!!!#also i AM SO SAD. MUMBO WHY#canary curse is broken but at what cost#kinda poetic tho… jimmy broke the curse in secret life and now mumbo the miner can no longer be warned… so he dies… but once the canary#-dies he still is the indicator for chaos to come since he warns the rest of the server who are the other miners… guys i can’t take it anym#my art
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it is truly so boring that in a series that hits on racism and sexuality that when talking about racism and sexuality in the show and in the fanbase people act like you are making mountains out of mole hills
#yeah i actually am still thinking abt that armand shit show from the other day#because what pissed me off the most are people acting like its crazy to be like#''Hey! maybe you should think about why you think he is undesired and sexually inept when we shown and told the opposite''#we love talking abt how the writers trust the audience to have two braincells and then get offended when asked use them#and- that poc are not safe from upholding racist steeotypes like i rolled my eyes hard asf#actually because that one blogger that posted their response almost immediately after i dm'd them privately#made some vague post being like ''well we never saw them fuck so '' or sm shit idk#and i just had to accept there was no point in wasting my breath#but i also still wanna talk about it because it Is interesting and it Should be broken down in plain english#but dw ima be talking about iwtv and race/sexuality till the crows come home#char.txt
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hope everyone had alright holidays!
a few days ago when we were driving home in the dark in windy and rainy weather after getting two of my siblings from the train we, for the first time in my lifetime im pretty sure, hit a deer that was crossing the street, none of us saw them before they got caught in the headlights and the first one made it over but we werent yet slow enough to not hit the second one ...
the deer lived but was kinda stunned, my dad pushed it off the street and while we were still on the phone with police it got up and ran away but my parents car got damaged and while its still drivable there are several parts that got bent and since its an older model too it might be hard to get it repaired
anyway, i didnt know deer fur was that grey until i saw it stuck to our bumper :(
merry crisis
#ganondoodles talks#random#personal#we are all fine and i wasnt the one driving#i just feel extra bad bc i was there in the front to help watch out for exactly stuff like that#but it was a weird spot and strange in that weather for them to cross#the police told us there was another accident with deer literally 10 minutes before us in the same area#so maybe thats why it was only two .........#i hope the deer is fine tho im pretty sure it at least has a broken leg#also i hope insurance covers the cost and it wont take too long#im very glad we were slow enough to not kill the deer and also not hurt it bloody bc i am still thinking about how it tumbled across#i am salty about how many people were speeding past us tho#car on the side with warning lights on and all doors open two people in car and two outside putting warning thingies up#if my dad hadnt pushed the stunned deer off the street when no one was coming it would have ended way worse for everyone involved
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a moment of silence for Aaron Minyard he would cry listening to comedown by Maude Latour
#Wе were sixteen we would nеver get carded uh-oh wasn't it fun?#All night in your old apartment uh-oh we were so young so why am I still so broken-hearted?#aftg#all for the game#aaron minyard#this is about the twins btw lmao#twinyards
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the fact ive missed out on 5 mainline pokemon games bc ive gotten priced out of the series is so.
#t#anyone wanna sell me their switch lite & pokemon games. this is mostly a jest i dont have that kind of money.#i got medical expenses and driving lessons to save up for.#pokemons been a special interest since red & blue came out in the us but between.#switch being 300+ and games now being 60+ a piece its just. auururghh.#i want sh2 remake also but id need a ps5 and its. i hate the constant grind toward new consoles.#i have a ps4 i got severely discounted yeeeears ago. still kickin. why r we makin things obselete that arent broken.#i know its bc capitalism. cant keep charging ppl money for things that last etc.#beh. bweh. i also hate games being exclusive to particular consoles. its so stupid.#i need to upgrade my pc w a refurbished model so maybe thatll kill many birds w one stone here.#also. i am simply bitching. i am not requesting anything actionable here. I just hate how expensive literally everything is.#my hobbies r expensive. food is expensive. shelter is expensive. and i cant even have a pet where i live.#I WANT A PET SO BADLY.
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Maybe I’ll finally Wanze post soon
#as in a more official lore post like holt awol and sonderbar got#ALSO IM SO SO SORRY I STILL AM GONNA ANSWER THOSE INBOX ASKS J SWEAR#Wanze is on the mind there is bugs in my brain!!! wow just like holt huh#their relationship is wild to me they go from barely knowing each other (occasional hallway acquaintances)#to Wanze essentially having the equivalent of a bag of bricks dropped onto her head#which needs a little or a lot of patching up and Holt does that for her#actually hmmm I wonder if I should more visibly leave some marks of The Oopsie on her face#apart from the permanently broken biores crystals#gotta think on that…#anyway I was especially Thinkin about how Wanze really does resent Holt for a while#it’s complicated it’s not completely Holt’s fault#like she can’t control what happened she can’t bring back her bioresonance she’s a medical eule not a miracle worker#she’ll never really understand what it felt like to be part of that mind link#and that leads to some insensitivity on Holt’s part bc she’s really trying to keep Wanze from decommission here#and Wanze! why are you moping you gotta act normal!! Come on Wanze!#neither of them really get each other bc they’re both not stopping and listening like they need to#but they eventually do#also fun Wanze fact but post head trauma fixup she still has to/wants to go to the kolibri library#for stabilization yknow (she’s a nerdddd <3)#however it’s weird and she hates it bc her fellow kolibris are there.#she does not sing the same song anymore and sticks out like a sore thumb when they’re together now :(#she goes at really weird hours when no one else is there to make sure she doesn’t have to see them#Holt sometimes is able to get ahold of books for her#consider them cuddling together reading#that is all#blorbo tag#wanze#holt#Kolibug
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EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!!!!! PAT SIELOFF IS PREGNANT!!!!!
1. Birthday cake from Sierra and Kelly; 2. Gritty soft serve ice cream cup; 3. Sign for Erik Johnson's 1k celebration; 4. Jersey Devil Christmas tree ornament.
#just got taken very off guard by a big room remix of mozart's lacrimosa and the experience did NOT spark joy#horrible. i keep going back to the playlist it was on and listening to 30 seconds and getting mad all over again#not bc i believe in the sanctity of lacrimosa but bc i don't like it#ko and sierra aren't responding to my messages probably because they are spending quality time with family!!#but EYE do not have quality time with family. and my brain is swiss cheese from too much church#please god let him be a girl dad do not let him have a boy to put into hockey#i mean you can put the girl in hockey but we do NOT need pat sieloff jr (boy) into hockey#pat sieloff continuing proof that every single bone in your body can be broken and you have like negative muscle ligaments#but you can still be so so so so cute and happy with your wife in pictures announcing baby sieloff 🥰🥰#the weather is making me UNWELL. like physically i was not built for this weather i was built for heat not cold#BUT mentally also. please explain to me why i outlined an entire advent liturgy -- all four sundays -- based around hockey#LIKE NOBODY NEEDS A PRAYER OF CONFESSION AROUND HOCKEY#and it fucking WHIPS is the worst part. it was only an outline but if i spent more than 3 hours on it. well someone should a do wellness ch#ck is what should happen. we don't need hockey liturgy no one needs that#the thing is i am so fucking burnt out and just exhausted by all of it (<- what christmas/advent will do to a mfer) but i love#writing liturgy. it's so fun. it's like creative nonfiction#so then i was like well what if i did lent and baseball. which tracks much better yk ending the darkness and the coming light#and then i was like. interesting. what urgent tasks am i avoiding by doing all this. what medication am i not taking#white knuckling it ONE DAY LEFT OF CHURCH NONSENSE AND THEN I CAN ROT IN MY LIVING ROOM FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR#oh my god is it past midnight already i've been working on this post for like two hours and keep getting distracted#if the classical music station played ''mozart's final rave (lacrimosa)'' by oliver heldens at 7am i would certainly get out of bed :/#fresno oilers.txt
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"god had to nerf me because i was too powerful" - gale dekarios
#i mean.... am i technically wrong?#every time i remember she did that i lose brain cells#and i feel like there's enough evidence to suggest that IS why she did it or at least one of the reasons why beyond just punishing him#because if he was such a prodigy from the beginning and could withstand what the karsite weave did to him*#then he would be equal - if not greater - than her#*obviously there's the danger of the orb but if he's 'content' in the epilogue then it doesn't effect him anymore#if we're believing that IS the reason why and mystra didn't just remotely cure him of symptoms after all#ANYWAY this was all meant to be a silly little joke i imagined gale would say post act 3 when he's over her and has friends#...although i guess you could say that's gale from the beginning when he's trying to cover his broken ego lol#...once again ANYWAY i still barely know the lore and stuff i'm just being silly as a treat#gale of waterdeep#bg3#baldurs gate 3
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uh. vent art. or something. losing yourself and losing everyone who you cared about as a result
#inanimate insanity#inanimate insanity invitational#ii#ii 2#ii 3#inanimate insanity cabby#. that's it#i'm. so so exhausted.#i feel like i'm actually going to throw up from how disgusted i am with myself#of course they wouldn't want to be friends w/me of course they don't like talking to me anymore#i am too broken to even be a good friend#hell even my best friend is leaving my side lately#i don't want to go back. i don't want to see them again tomorrow. i don't want to.#i don't want to feel like i'm insignificant i was doing so good why does it hurt why is it hurting now#i don't want to feel like death is the only solution i don't want to i don't want to be alone i don't want to be forgotten#i don't want to be unloved just because i can't fix myself anymore#i don't have anything to offer anymore i'm so so sorry i wish i did i wish i was still happy and healing#i wish i was i wish i was im sorry i can't.#sigh. well can't do much about it now anyway. uh yeah cabby is my mood rn. also talking about irl friends here.#god this was so bad i need to die rn#cw vent#cw sui mention#i guess#mhm. i think i need a therapist
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#.....sigh.....#....i want to be desired#....................but it's not that simple....is it#...i want to be desired by specific people#who.... who i know will almost certainly never desire me that way#.....plenty of people do desire me.....so why am i so hung up on the ones who don't#is it just cuz they're physically nearby#..............another person I've talked to thinks that maybe i focus on those who won't love me because i. I don't feel i deserve it#...................and that cuts so deep i don't think i could ever deny it#.....but i still- goddess above i still sit here at night just....fantasizing about the people who will never reciprocate#wanting and longing and hurting myself instead of....focusing on those who do already love me#...........goddess im so broken......#.......anyway. ignore this....
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"You're pretty new at this whole relationship thing, huh?"
"... Yeah."
#outer range s2#outer range s2 spoilers#outer range 02x01#maria olivares#rhett abbott#isabel arraiza#lewis pullman#rhett x maria#um... idk i love them#but why would they do this to me? it's gonna sting so much when they break up#her teasing him is my favorite thing#but also her calling him ''wonderful''? my god the squeal i let out...#the smallest little smile and the way he looked at her before he said ''good'' after she said she likes how she feels when she's with him?!#now i'm rhett going ''don't do this'' but instead of with his truck it's with the show#my biggest gripe is that she doesn't help him that much with his broken arm... except maybe to help him shower? /hj#i get why he was the one to get the snacks... it was for the impact of the scene but still#it's great to see them laughing and smiling so much! love that!#i think she smiled at least once while her poor boyfriend was getting freaked out by cats#he could not keep a straight face for that long after saying ''what does that leave me?''#i wonder what he was gonna say before she said she liked how she feels when she's with him... was he giving her an out?#he has NOTHING pleasant to say about her not even a ''thank you'' after being called wonderful smh /j#tw: food?#my girl didn't even say ''bless you'' when he starting sneezing :(#i switched the last picture because i like the way they were smiling at each other when he got onto the bed#after maria laughs in the car after the buffalo run past them i think i can hear the lowest ''so are we-'' or ''sorry''?#and i think that may be because lew thought isa broke character?? but i'm not too sure... maybe it's rhett apologizing#but idk? maybe it's just rhett saying sorry because he felt self-conscious about maybe sounding stupid... or maybe i'm just hearing things#i think the way he even said ''okay'' after she took all the snacks was similar to the way she said it before she grabbed the snacks#look i understand not getting a shower scene but they truly robbed me of seeing rhett and maria with wet hair...#just another little nitpick but i think the ''i like who i am when i'm with you'' would hit harder if we saw maria in scenes without rhett
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