#broken depressed and self depracating

[heph]

Watched the Sonic 3 movie yesterday. Not coping well. Also I explained in the tags

[anephemeralflame-blog]

There are those who say you must learn how to love yourself before you know how to love another, but I have found that is not always the case. Some of the most loving and caring people I know are deeply depressed. They suffer from tormenting fits of heartache and nothingness, spawning a sea of self-depracating thoughts that leave them feeling weak, powerless, and broken. For Twenty-Two years I have endured this constant heartache, and I would always revel in the sight of those born with the innate ability to love themselves. People who could just walk around, always okay, never dwelling on their own shortcomings or failures, their heads held up high, eyes forever locked on the horizon. I always envied that kind of self-love, and not that false-love you find within narcissists, arrogantly building themselves up without a single regard for their actions. No, that is ignorance, not love. I mean true, kind, caring, considerate, love. It wasn't until one moonlit night I was out for a stroll, looking at the silhouettes of the pines encasing the shimmering ocean of stars up above where my thoughts suddenly took a sharp turn and began berating me for never living up to my full potential, that I am but a shadow of who I once was: intellectually, creatively, and physically. So I did what I normally do when negative thoughts or memories flock to my mind, I meditated. Amongst the rhythmic repetition of breaths, my mind began to clear, and a single thought came to my mind "You would never say those things to the people that you love," and It was then I felt a stream of tears slither down my cheek. The sheer weight of that epiphany hit me like an atom bomb, birthing more and more images of the times I showed love to others. When they would present me with their art or tell me of an accomplishment, at times I would burst into tears of how proud I was of them, not toss it aside and say they will never live up to their previous creations or achievements, when they were down and broken I would hold them and remind them how beautiful their soul truly was, not berate them for their failiures, when they were lost or caught in a detrimental pattern of thinking, I would sit down with them and offer guidance, not feed such awful lines of thought, and when they were afraid or felt powerless in the face of something seemingly monumental, I would stand behind them and remind them that I would always be here for them, and if I wasn't, they always have a strength burning deep within them waiting to be unleashed, not tell them they were weak and could never amount to anything. It was stepping out of myself, out of my own mind, and gazing into the darkness, seeing that sad soul curled up into a ball and feeling the innate need to walk over and help them, to console them and show them the undying love churning deep within my heart, only for them to suddenly turn around and watch as I stared back at my own visage...