#why am i so tired my mom works at least 5 more hours per week and she still has energy

[the-unofficial-village-idiot]

They should invent a job that doesn't make you exhausted and wanna kill yourself

[drprettyboyspence]

Memory Lane

Dr. Spencer Reid/reader

Summary: Reader just can't seem to get to sleep one night so she decides to walk around the house she shares with her boyfriend, Spencer Reid. As she travels around the house she remembers significant moments in their relationship.

words: 2.9k

warnings: season 12 spoilers, mentioning of mental illness, nothing else to my knowledge! (just a lot of fluff) 

a/n: This is my first Spencer Reid fic and I kinda went off the rails with the word count, let me know if you enjoy it :)

I turn myself over in bed for what feels like the four hundredth time this hour, facing the ceiling now. I can hear the rustling of leaves outside and the distant sirens of the city, remembering how those sounds used to bring me some sort of comfort as a child, now all I can think of is the death and tragedy being an FBI profiler has brought me into contact with, the horrors at the end of the trail of sirens. Mostly noticeably though, I hear the steady breathing of the man lying next to me in the king bed, glancing over at my boyfriend of almost 4 years I smile warmly, his unruly hair draped over the pillow, glad to see him in deep sleep. Recently he hasn’t been sleeping well, suffering from PTSD from his time spent in prison as well as all the trauma the poor man has been through in the last 10 years of his life. I quietly get out of bed, making sure not to bother him, he deserves a good nights sleep and we have to be at the BAU in a depressingly minuscule amount of hours. My feet hit the cold wooden floors and I wonder for the uncountable time “Why did we decide on wooden floors?” A memory of an argument with Spencer answers my question,  

“Because silly, don’t you know that carpets can hold up to 200,000 bacteria per square inch, this room is 100 square feet, 144 square inches per square foot, that is 28,800,000 bacteria in our bedroom alone.” I remember shaking my head at him, he’s always been such a germaphobe. In fact, when we first met, he shook my hand, and later when I confided in JJ and Penelope that I had pretty intense feelings for the resident genius of the BAU, they mentioned that he usually hates shaking hands, is known for refusing to shake the hands of many people the team comes into contact with on cases. He shook my hand right away, it’s one of the things I love about him and we always say we knew right away that we had a special connection. I glance at Spencer’s sleeping frame one more time before leaving the bedroom and making my way down the hallway. There are pictures there, pictures of me and Spence, him and his mom, pictures of the team at work, Spencer won’t admit it often, but he wakes up every morning scared that he won’t remember those he loves, his mother’s dementia and schizophrenia have impacted him greatly. I stop in front of a picture of me and Spence, it’s the first picture we ever took together, Halloween almost 5 years ago now, at the FBI Halloween party.

October 2015

“Come on Y/n! How can you not love Halloween!”

“Spencer, what’s so great about Halloween!” I had asked laughing while filling up a plastic cup with punch. The party is fun, but all this dressing up just seems silly to me sometimes.

“It’s a uniquely American holiday! I mean, despite its obvious origins in the Celtic festival of Samhain and the Christian All Saints’ Day, it really is a melting pot of various immigrants’ traditions and beliefs. It became a little more commercialized in the 1950s with trick-or-treat, and today it rivals only Christmas in terms of popularity!” I catch JJ’s eyes from across the room, she gives me a sympathetic look as I’m stuck in another of Reid’s constant statistics rants. Frankly, I don’t understand how the rest of the team can cut Reid off when he’s like this. He’s so genuinely excited by this holiday it makes my budding feelings for the man standing in front of me even stronger.

“Aw you guys look so cute! Say cheese!” the always-hyper voice of Penelope Garcia shouts from across the bullpen, snapping a quick picture of me and Spence before running after Derek. I glance down at my phone and see a text from Penelope “It doesn’t take a profiler to realize how gone you are for him Y/n” I blush profusely before continuing my conversation with Spencer.

Present day

Tearing my eyes away from that specific picture, I continue walking to the end of the hallway, painfully aware that the floorboards are squeaking with my every step, hoping Spencer’s just-finished-a-case level of exhaustion will prevent him from waking up. I pass the threshold into the kitchen and see the dim light of the clock over the stove, the red 2:15 blinking back at me through my tired eyes, I just can’t seem to get to sleep tonight, I’m sure Spencer would say something like

“Chronic insomnia is usually tied to an underlying mental or physical issue. Anxiety, stress, and depression are some of the most common causes of chronic insomnia but even if you do not suffer from chronic insomnia, 35% of Americans report their sleep quality as poor or only fair.” Dating a living encyclopedia definitely has its perks I suppose. I walk towards the fridge and glance at the refrigerator, my eyes traveling to a postcard held up by a doctor who magnet. Houston, Texas the postcard reads.

February 2017

Me and Spencer had been dating for less than 6 months but as we had known each other for over a year I was falling head over heels in love with him. The last few months hadn’t been easy, Spencer learned that his mother had been diagnosed with dementia and not a day had gone by where he didn’t try and find a cure, he had been traveling to Houston,Texas to talk with his mother’s doctor, he then brought her to live with him in Virginia, it had been difficult to say the least. My fingers traced the edges of the postcard I had received in the mail this morning, then flipped it over and saw Spencer’s familiar scraggly handwriting, it read

Dear Y/n,

I was able to speak with my mother’s doctors today, I feel as though there must be more I can be doing, she seems to be responding to the medicines but I am looking into new methods of treating the disease. I miss you so much Y/n, and I miss the rest of the team as well, tell them I will be back as soon as I can, I hate the thought of you putting yourself in danger on cases without me there, not because I doubt your ability to protect yourself, but because I doubt my ability to handle being 1,402 miles away from you. Please do not worry about me, if you’re anxiously awaiting my return, stop looking at the clock because remember, when looking at a clock our brains anticipate what we’ll see faster than we actually see it, so the clock seems to stop, Ill be back before you know it Y/n.

With all my love, Spencer Reid.

I giggle quietly at the added facts, only Spencer would describe the phenomenon of a clock appearing stopped when glanced out. I’m concerned about Spencer though, I’m not sure what is going on, but there is definitely something not right with him and if I didn’t trust him so much I would consider asking Garcia to do a background check to check the legitimacy of his travels to Houston.

Present Day

This postcard is extremely bittersweet, the next week we were all rushing to Mexico, responding to a call that Spencer was in jail, I was a nervous wreck, we all were, it was an extremely rough 6 months, truly showing me how strong the man I love is. I push some of those harsh memories out of my brain, choosing to focus on the happy memories if I ever want to fall asleep tonight. There’s a coffee machine next to the fridge, if there’s one thing Spencer loves more than me, its coffee, or rather coffee flavored sugar with the amount of sweetener he puts in his cup every day. Spencer smells like coffee, almost always, he struggles to sleep most nights and therefore is always hyped up on caffeine. It's actually played a huge role in our relationship.

August 2016

Dr. Spencer Reid and I are walking to the BAU together as we do every single day, we live close to each other, close enough that he walks about 5 minutes before arriving at my house, we then walk to the coffee shop on the way to the train station. We’re best friends, but I’ve been secretly in love with him for months. Walking into Quantico, we get the daily glances from Penelope, Derek, and JJ who are sitting together looking at pictures of Henry. Penelope always teases me that we’re both so in love with each other that everyone can see it but us, it’s ironic actually. As much as I don’t believe Pen, I have been noticing small changes in Spence’s behavior the last couple months, prompting me to, in the deepest corners of my mind, hope that maybe he feels the same way, our friendship is worth too much to risk him not feeling the same way though, so I’m forever stuck. We aren’t on a case right now, so there’s a lot of paperwork to be done, at one point during the day I get up, asking Spence if he wants another cup of coffee before walking to the break room. I return after a brief 5 minutes and am surprised to see Derek sitting in my seat, arguing with Spencer.

“Come on Pretty boy! We both know you’re in love with her! Just ask her out man, she’ll say yes!”

“Morgan, quiet down, she’ll be back any minute, besides I’m 35 and Y/n is 32, I’m not saying there would even be a chance that we would get married but the marriage success rate in the United States is only 50%, the worst it has ever been, that therefore shows the state of relationships in the country as well, I don’t want to ruin our friendship, I could never lose her. Besides, I’ve never been good with women.”

“But that’s the thing pretty boy, you don’t have to be good with women, you’re already good with Y/n, she’s the one who matters, just ask her out man, you’ll regret it if you don’t.” With that Morgan walks away and I take a deep breath, its now or never, walking over to Spencer and setting down the cup, whispering in his ear,

“You never know how good with women you are until you try, Spence” He looks up at me with wide eyes and licks his tongue across his lips, something he does often.

“Um, Y/n, y-you heard all of that?” I nod and I can see Spence take a deep breath just as I did before walking over, “W-would you like to um- go to dinner with me Y/n?”

“Hmm I don’t know…” Spencer’s face starts to fall as I quickly continue “Of course I would love to go to dinner with you silly, what did you think?” His smile lights up the entire room as he pulls me into a deep hug.

“Well finally you two. You couldn’t have waited just a few more months though, I assumed you lovebirds wouldn’t get it together until after Spencer’s birthday” Rossi says from behind us, passing a pretty hefty stack of bills to Penelope.

That was the day that started the greatest adventure of my life.

Present Day

I leave the kitchen and walk to the living room, a chilly breeze blows my hair slightly askew, its June in Virginia, warm enough that all I’m wearing is one of Spence’s oversized MIT shirts with pajama shorts, but the night air causes slight goosebumps on my skin, sending me into my memories once again.

August 2019

Spencer and I are sitting on the couch, participating in yet another Doctor Who marathon on the tv, it's a rare day off from work and the hot summer air fills our living room even with the fan blowing through the house. I lie my head in Spencer’s lap as we watch the tv and his strong hand strokes the back of my neck, causing goosebumps to pop up all over my arms. I giggle and glance up at him causing him to pointedly look at me asking me with his eyes “What is so funny that you dare distract from Doctor Who?”

“It’s just strange, its 95 degrees outside but your hands on my neck give me goosebumps like its a crisp fall day, isn’t that funny baby?”

“Of course the most common cause of goosebumps is cold weather, but when you’re experiencing extreme emotions, the human body responds in a variety of ways. Two common responses include increased electrical activity in the muscles just under the skin and increased depth or heaviness of breathing, resulting in goosebumps.” I roll my eyes at him and playfully swat his hair out of his eyes.

“Only you, Dr. Spencer Reid, would take a romantic statement and turn it into statistics, and I love you for that” he kisses me and well, the Doctor Who marathon was quickly turned off after that.

Present Day

As I turn the corner into the living room I smile warmly, it’s the room that Spencer and I like the best. There are book cases lining the back wall, Spencer loves books, I’d ask him what made his books so special and he’d tell me stories of his childhood, his mom reading him 15th century literature, I loved when Spence told me stories about his childhood.

December 2017

I knocked on the door of Spencer’s apartment, it wasn’t like him to be late for our daily walk to work especially because he had been on probation after his time in jail. I received no answer, prompting my concern as I unlocked the door with the key he had given me. I walked into his living room and saw him, Spencer was sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by books, running his fingers up and down the pages as he does when he’s reading at his top speed.

“Spence what on earth are you doing! Where did all these books come from? We aren’t on a case are we?”

“This year in the United States alone there have been 328,259 new books published, I read at 20,000 words per minute but at an average of 100,000 words per book, it would take me 27,377 hours to read all those books!”

“Oh Spencer how I love you, you don’t need to read every book ever published, are you going to start reading romance novels?” I tease while picking up a copy of 50 Shades of Gray from the ground at Spencer’s feet.

“Okay maybe you’re right, I just feel like I missed so much time when I was incarcerated, all that reading I could’ve done when I was trapped in that place, it's time I can never get back.”

“Spencer, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you, but this is not going to help that feeling go away, let’s go to work.” Spencer nodded and began to tidy up the floor before following me out the door.

“Wait, Y/n, I have to ask you something that I’ve meant to say since I’ve gotten out of jail, and I might as well say it now, will you move in with me?” He’s chewing on his bottom lip again and I jump into his arms in excitement, kissing his hair as he caresses the back of my head.

“Of course I’ll move in with you! I love you, Dr. Spencer Reid.”

“And I love you Y/n Y/l/n.”

Present Day

I’m coming around to the opposite side of the living room now, sitting down on the couch in front of the fireplace. I love the fireplace in our house and I think secretly Spencer does too. We argued for days over the safety of having a fireplace in our house, Spencer of course supplied with enough knowledge of house fires to last him 5 lifetimes, “But Spencer it’ll be so cozy, doesn’t it sound romantic to cuddle up by the fire?” I had pleaded with him the day we toured the house for the first time.

“Y/n, there were an average of 357,400 residential fires per year in the US between 2012 and 2014, an average of 22,300 of those fires were caused by a fireplace or chimney!”

“But Spenceee, that’s only 6.24% of the residential house fires during that period, 43.9% were from cooking equipment, are you going to forbid us from having a kitchen too?” Hey, don’t underestimate how useful a cellphone calculator and a quick google search can be in winning an argument against your genius boyfriend. Obviously, we had ended up agreeing on the fireplace, but Spencer was still overly cautious whenever it was in use. As I stood in front of the fireplace I became hyper aware of the floorboards creaking in the hallway just as they had done when I left the room earlier, I felt a presence enter the room and the 6’1” frame of my boyfriend wrapped his long arms around me from behind while burying his face in the hollow of my shoulder.

“Hi, baby, what are you doing up so late? Are you feeling okay? Can’t seem to get to sleep?” I nod back at him and recline my head so it rests on his strong chest.

“I was just taking a trip down memory lane I suppose” I say before smiling up at the love of my life.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

He makes me livid! I get so mad!!! I don't understand him at all. He makes me go UGH but in bad ways.

I went off on him first before I realised what his problem was... Like total accusations and misfit drama. All paranoid loca. I don't give a shit.

I draw conclusions and those were the most obvious.

But when you know someone... You have to remember their stupidity. One time he confessed... And I already had decided to break up with him... I was all I'm waiting till his dad dies then I'm done. He's a good friend when he tries but he doesn't make me,a priority. And so I hadn't told him. I just tired of him,upsetting me so I had to remove me.

So he said he wouldn't do anything for his pain,then, he would take 2x his Percocet with 5 shots of tequila then treat me like shit.

I really hadnt noticed. I was all "oh he's just in his mood where he's decided I'm not important to him"

And true enough when he told me his dad died I walked away from our relationship.

But honestly ... Years later... I missed him.. Because he treated me best. Because I say I walked

I mean I left, completely.

But despite his faults he's always treated me best. I mean person to person. He didn't give me what I wanted from,the relationship. But as a low key friend, he understood me the most

He understood i was scared to go to sleep and he would stay on the phone and help,me,sleep so I could. No one else can do that. My daughter, if she was sleeping with me. I could listen to her breathe and I could fall asleep that way. Because it would calm my r breathing if she was sleeping that calm sleep,breath

But he knew all what to say. And I never had to tell him or even tell him I was afraid to sleep or even admit it to myself.

I hope this helps some of y'all that are anti medicine as well.

I don't like hospitals or doctors (I like my personal doctors But aside from them) in general. I'm afraid of them. They make me hostile. I feel like theyre some dangerous S&M dungeon

Go and wait for hours to get bad news then they don't give you what you need because you're so fucking exhausted they don't understand. Or don't care or are the ones that like to kill patients.

So I like my doctors although I have to wait for hours to see them past my appointment time, they take extra time to see me and cover what I think I need. Their quality is worth the wait. I have 3. Primary, Pain and Urgent Care. And I use the computer urgent care where I leave an online message after finishing a long ass quizz through the insurance website.

And whatever pills they give me, I Google to make sure they were right. They always are. Im also interested in what else the pills cover. Like i take 2 different anti seizure pills for pain and one also for insulin sensitivity increase and metabolic increase. And i take an antidepressant that also covers fibromyalgia.

I have 13 prescriptions. Monthly. Some I have to take more than once per day. Plus i take vitamins.

Then I Google the pharmacy pills to make sure the pharmacy was right.

So.

I get it. Sometimes I don't want to take 13 prescriptions more than once per day or even at all.

But we need to know what we are taking and why.

And why it is important.

And we need to take our medicine. So we can survive

I think this information is especially important during this epidemic.

Now realize that antibiotics are not useful on viruses unless the virus causes a bacterial infection. Like.

A cold is a virus but in some people like myself and used to in my daughter, causes a severe sinus infection which requires antibiotics.

I know the point at which we need antibiotics and so i go to my urgent care lady because she understands and we just do a walk in. And i don't overwhelm my doctor who is taking time to give quality care and has long waiting patients.

But otherwise a virus does not respond to antibiotics. And anti-virus medications are quite rare.

Flu shot... But not a cold shot..

So we take over the counter medicine for our symptoms. Like coughing and runny nose

Sinus pressure in the eyes, nose, teeth. Jaw.

If you have a tooth ache you can take sinus medicine. Because the worst tooth pain is actually in your sinus cavity! That's a secret trick. Works every time.

So basically anytime you have facial pain that doesn't respond to Tylenol or ibuprofen or alieve, you can take sinus medicine. Also ear pain.

Google sinus cavities in the face and you'll see why.

Now an ear and sinus infection is a bacteria, usually but usually our bodies can fight it Well without an anti biotic. As long as it is treated with over the counter medicine. But sometimes, like with myself and my daughter, sometimes an antibiotic is needed..but that is after at least a week to 10 days of serious green overflow that doesn't respond to over the counter medicine.

Sometimes the bacteria is lab revealed by terrorists during the "flu and cold season" to create an income for pharmaceutical companies. For my daughter and i, they're usually too strong for our immune system.

Although since my ex husband left town, my daughter's immune system has significantly became stronger. While mine has not. So she needs less antibiotics, than I do.

Otherwise, my body can fight it on its own with a few doses of otc.

I had a tooth pulled a few years ago.. It created a pathway to my sinuses. I could rinse water in my mouth and it would come out my nose. I saw an ear, nose and throat specialist whom said i needed surgery immediately to repair my nose.

I said no thank you mother fucker

I had to have clearance from my cardiologist. So i took a stress test and failed. So i had to have an ultra sound. It wasn't good. But they said I could have the surgery since it was simple.

I said that's cool, but I don't want to.

I haven't done it. So I get sinus infection and pain quite often. My bone structure in my nose is center in my right nostril. Meaning it's really fucking bad

From being punched in the face a lot. The surgery sounds fucking horrible. And it's a cosmetic change.

I'm all nope. I'm a single mom. She don't take good care of me. I'll drown in the blood sliding down the back of my throat.

The tooth removal was so bad... It was horrible. There was blood every where for days... I can only imagine the nose surgery would be the same

I also hate the smell of blood. So I'm like no. It sounds like the most miserable thing.

If I had someone to take care of me and baby me like a little blood soaked lamb in need of care... That's s different story.. But I don't have anyone that would take care of me

After my tooth... I was throwing up the blood and my kid just stood there and stared,. Which I wanted to hide it from her I was sick... But I was in the kitchen and began violently puking in the trash can... Scared her to death

"Mom I'm scared"

"I am, too. This has never happened before"

So yeah fuck that nose. I got one crooked fucking nose. And it makes me sick.

She wants me to have surgery so I'll quit snoring.

Well.

Ear plugs are at the Dollar Tree, babe.

So y'all take your pills that you need

Some one cares about you

And they don't want to slap your face off. But you'll drive them to it. And a crooked nose isnt all its cracked up to Be. It pretty much sucks.

I can't even blow it Like a normal person....

[mininky]

Crash Landing

Summary: Jung Hoseok. Notorious hot dude on campus. Excellent dancer. Bad boy. Tattoos. Your best friend’s older brother. There were a lot of reasons why he was a terrible idea. Scratch that, fucking awful life ruining idea. But hey, you’re here to win ‘dumbest idea of the century’ award apparently.

Pairing: Dancer!Hoseok x  Uni Student!reader (fem)

Genre: Slow Burn, best friend’s older brother AU, Uni AU, smut, romance

Warnings: mentions of divorce, mentions of Hobi having been cheated on, protected sex, oral sex (fem. receiving), Hoseok with tattoos 

Word Count: 13.4K

   Meeting Hoseok had been a freak event unlike anything else in your mostly uneventful life, and in that way, it was completely fitting. He had quite literally stumbled into your life. Well, crash landed is more like it. While seated on a bench spacing out into another dimension that was void of any sentient thought after finals he had face planted into the bush right next to you. You're not sure how long you'd been sitting there on the bench, possibly long enough to grow moss, and really you didn't think that anything could get you to move from your spot. You were on the fast track to becoming a Buddhist monk until Hoseok's ill-timed passing out had finally gotten you to move. At a lightning speed that you didn't think was possible after five finals back to back in one day fueled by sheer willpower and too much caffeine to be safe for human consumption you were next to him.

   You had been convinced at the lack of protest or noise at falling face first into a very thorny bush that the man had most certainly died. Fight or flight responses had miraculously kicked on and as adrenaline surged the first thing you thought to do instead of asking him if he was okay was to slap his face as hard as possible. He groaned but otherwise didn't stir until you started to pull out your phone with trembling hands to call 911. You recognized him as his hands suddenly came up to move the phone away with surprising strength. The man you were sure was dying in front of you was none other than Jung Hoseok. Your best friend's older brother, who normally looked the spitting image of the sun and good health in all of the pictures you'd seen of him but now looked closer to a strung out druggy who took one hit too many. You've also noticed that he has a ton of tattoos that weren't in any of the pictures you've seen of him. Intricate poke and needle types, all littered around his arms.

   "Holy shit, Hoseok?" He groaned again before struggling to sit up, hand clawing away some leaves and thorns stuck in his hair.

   "Please don't call 911. I don't have insurance. Just tired. Please let me sleep." With that, his head slumped back with an unnervingly loud thwack on the concrete.

   You had a few options at this point.    Option #1: Leave and just let him possibly die of a concussion after hitting his head that hard    Option #2: call your best friend and let her know that her brother is dying and won't let you call 911 because of his lack of health insurance    Option #3: slap him again, try to get him to move and drag him back to wherever he lives    Option #4 (should probably be the first but your brain is fried and adrenaline is a hell of a drug): call 911 anyways and then be forced to work three jobs and drop out of school to pay the medical bills you've forced on him    Option #5: try to drag him yourself back to your dorm which is only a short distance from the very bench you've been spacing out at.

   You went with a combination of option five and three. In which you slapped him (open-palmed and left a beautiful red mark behind and your palm stinging unpleasantly) and forced him to get up. In a bizarre zombie state he slumped over your shoulder and it took you the longest fifteen minutes of your life to finally get into your dorm and throw him into your bed. Now you'd like to lie and say that at this point you tried to give some sort of shitty and iffy medical aid, but your own exhaustion had taken over and you'd fallen asleep slumped at the edge of your bed only five minutes later.

   It was hours later that you'd finally woken up to the sound of Hoseok stirring and groaning before freaking out at his unknown surroundings. "Where the fuck am I? Who are you? What the fuck is going on?"

   "Wow, first of all, I'd appreciate a thank you for carrying your deceptively heavy ass up three flights of stairs when you were mostly unconscious. Second of all, I'm (Y/N), your knight in shining armor and also I happen to be Sam's best friend. You biffed it face first into a bush and told me not to call 911 and that you just needed to sleep. So after slapping you...twice actually...I carried you into my room." You wipe away a few crusties from your eyes as you look at the man in front of you.

   He's unnervingly handsome. In a way that makes you wonder how humans can be created his way. Perfectly well-shaped nose, a jaw that's both soft and chiseled, pouty lips, hair that flops in that painfully sexy disheveled way that some men spend hours to get just so for a picture on Instagram but refuse to admit that they did, eyes that hold a hint of playful mystery in their murky brown gaze. Even with bags under his eye and lackluster pallor from finals week he still looks like he deserves sculptures and shrines dedicated to him.  

   But the real sucker punch gut-wrenching charm was his laugh. The way his eyes crinkled up and perfect teeth shined as he heard this news had all the breath forced out of you slowly like a careful pinprick to a balloon. You should have known then that nothing good could come from Jung Hoseok. You should have known. But instead, you just stared up at him the floor like you were staring straight at the sun. So dazzlingly beautiful that looking right at it caused physical pain, although looking at him didn't cause you to sneeze at least.

   "Well, thank you for saving me oh knight in shining armor. Also, sorry for bailing every time Sam asks me to hang out with you guys. But you know, if the guys see me hanging out with freshman girls there will be inevitable questions and then I'll have to fight a horde of douchebags to protect my sister or whatever so really I've been doing you guys a favor." He gets up from the bed, carefully so as to not kick you straight in the face as you scramble off your knees and walk over to the door with him. "Oh, and do me a favor. Don't tell my sister. As far as you're concerned this never happened and you never met me."

   Just like that Hosoek was gone, as if he hadn't stumbled face first into a bush and nearly died. As if he hadn't made your finals addled brain nearly short circuit and all the breath leave your lungs from simply laughing. You kept your end of the bargain. You never told Sam what happened. Partially because you were convinced that it never did actually happen. You were sure that you had conjured up an obscure illusion or that it all had been some sort of strange dream. Until you met Hoseok again that is.

   It would be another three months before you would be destined to see Hoseok again. This time he would have that natural glow back to his skin, and the bags under his eyes were gone. Sam had dragged you to the coffee shop he worked at, fueled with a rage that was rather unnatural for her as she slammed into the quiet business with steam coming out of her ears and foam around the mouth as she tore into her brother with little care of innocent bystanders in her path. "Oy, you. You think you're too good to text me back asshole?"

   "Sam, not now. I'm working." He glanced at the one lone customer sitting at the worn leather couch three feet away who was staring openly at the debacle unfolding in front of him.

   "It's always not now! You're always too busy for me!" You made the mistake of trying to slip away, but Sam was too quick for you. She grabbed your hand before lighting back into her brother. "It's one thing to skip out on me, but really? Skipping out on dinner with mom last night?"

   "Shit, that was last night? I thought that was supposed to be tonight. God, I'm so sorry Sammy, I promise I'll make it up to you and mom. I promise."

   The beast would not be tamed, however. Sam, you're typically sweet best friend had a side to her that luckily rarely showed. The angry side. The side that could be heard across the county. The side that would slash all your tires. "Well, you fucking better Jung Hoseok." With that, she turned around and dragged you out of the coffee shop while you tried mouthing 'I'm so sorry' to the bewildered and painfully embarrassed Hoseok.

   Sam would later explain that she brought you along for the wild ride for two reasons. First, so you could stop her from committing a crime. Secondly, but most importantly, because you were the one with a car and she didn't want to pay for an uber over to the coffee shop.

   You know that in her heart of hearts Sam was angrier at the general shit show her family had turned into than Hoseok per se. He had just been the one closest in proximity and therefore the line of fire. Her parents were getting divorced, her family falling apart, and Hoseok had just kind of ghosted her. Bullshit reasons about fighting off the guys or whatever that had been earlier weren't good enough. She was angry at being abandoned. By her parents, by her brother, by the world. College was supposed to be the start of freedom, but for her, it had started in shambles. The two of you hadn't known each other before university, but you were in the same major and worked at the same small used bookstore and had fast become friends and then inseparable best friends. She spent more nights than you could count on the floor of your dorm just to get away from it all, and because you had lucked out and gotten the smallest room that was honestly more like a closet and could only house one bed so you had no roommate.  

   After that incident, she had broken into a fit of angry tears in your room and explained all of this to you. A word vomit of pain, anger, and angst. This all should have done something to dispell Hoseok to you, and yet it hadn't. Instead, you wondered what was going on in his head. You were curious about how and why he had withdrawn from his sister when she explained that before he went away to school they were closer than close. That he had always been her protector, her best friend. Sure they fought, they were siblings after all, but they were each other's rocks. Until he was just gone. And she thought going to the same school as him would fix it. Instead, the distance somehow felt larger now. So close in proximity but emotionally miles and miles away. Again, this should have shattered the perfect image of Hoseok that had been crafted in your brain after that odd encounter months ago but instead, it lent depths and layers to the man that made you want to peel everything back and study it closely.

   The third time you would meet Hoseok would be proof that the first encounter had, in fact, happened. It was two in the morning approximately a month later. You stumbled out of bed in a zombie state, sure that the only person who could possibly be knocking on your door this late at night could be Sam. It wasn't (unfortunately) entirely uncommon with her insane sleep schedule. So when you swung the door open in nothing but a t-shirt and underwear you could feel all color drain from your face at the sight of a very tired and sweaty Hoseok standing in front of you.

   "I know this is going to sound really weird, but my girlfriend and I broke up and I've been crashing couches but my friend has someone over tonight so then I tried sleeping in the library but it was just too uncomfortable so would you mind if I crash here? I noticed last time you didn't have a roommate. I can take the floor." Now you had two options at this point. (You're too tired to come up with 5 this time, thank god it was a lot of work having to detail your thoughts last time. You really should stop overthinking, I'm a little worried for you at this point. Sorry, I'll get back to the story.)    Option #1: slam the door on his face and crawl back into bed. You don't technically know him and it's not your problem.    Option #2: have pity on this painfully good-looking man and kiss a decent night's sleep goodbye because lord knows you won't be able to sleep when he's in the same room as you a second time.

   You went with option number two. Who are you kidding, you aren't evil enough to go with option number one. You just pray that his new distance with his sister and break up with his girlfriend isn't because he's actually secretly a serial killer and is going to chop you up into tiny bits. Although...on the plus side of that...no student loans!

   You opened the door wider and stepped off to the side. Covering your mouth for any offending morning breath as you spoke. "Sure, I've got an extra pillow and blanket too." You wanted to say more. There were so many questions about this random appearance, but really you didn't feel it was very polite to ask any of them. Not that knocking on the door of a near stranger at two in the morning to see if you can crash there is polite, but really one of you needs to respect boundaries. Right?

   "Thanks, I really appreciate it. Free coffee and baked goodies for life when I'm on shift. I promise." He stretched and let out a loud yawn as you tried to grab a pillow and blanket for him without bending over. He took them from your hands gingerly and you watched him try to get comfortable on the floor before you turned around, shut off the light, and crawled back into bed.

   You tried counting sheep. You tried doing simple math. You tried willing sleep to come. But everything brought your thoughts back around in a vicious cycle to the man laying on your floor. The man you knew almost nothing about. Save that he was your best friend's older brother, worked in a coffee shop, and went to the same school as you. Dance major, and that had earned him being cut off from his family financially if you remembered correctly. But that doesn't mean you know him. You've never actually had a proper conversation with him.

   At the sound of you stirring in bed once again you can hear his gravely voice from the floor calling out to you. "Can't sleep (y/n)?"

   You thought about playing dead or asleep or whatever. But figured there was no point. So instead you mumbled a quiet, "yeah."

   "Me neither. Can't sleep for shit lately." He pauses for a moment before sighing. "I'm sorry for just showing up here. I know we don't know each other, but I wasn't sure where else to go."

   "Nah, it's cool. Mi casa es su casa." You can hear him give one of those small snort laughs, the kind that's more like a loud exhale through the nose, and you can feel little butterflies start to hit your ribcage.

   "Well, I really appreciate it." You wait for a moment before calling out to him.

   "Are you okay, Hosoek?"

   "Ah, the million dollar question. I don't know. Are any of us?" There's something about the way his brooding words contrast sharply with his typically sunny appearance that has your heart singing. All of those layers around his heart built up like an impenetrable fortress has your curiosity in overdrive. It's not a safe place, you know that. But there's something about Hoseok that just lights things up around you.

   You've never been interested in another man this way. Every single person you've ever dated or hooked up with has been out of convenience. You were actually starting to question if you were some subcategory of Asexual. If there was a sexual category for people who couldn't hold romantic interest but did still get horny. That's a thing right? Aromantic? But Hoseok, now Hoseok is the type of guy that you can picture curled up next to after sex tracing at all of his tattoos and talking about everything and nothing for hours at a time. The type of guy that makes you start to understand why high school crushes are so painful. And you know it's slightly irrational. You know next to nothing about him, but god do you want to. If you could change your major to Hoseok you fucking would.  

   After a long pause, he starts talking again. His voice hoarser, as if he's trying to hold back tears. Or maybe he is crying, you can't tell in the dark. "No, I'm not okay. And I don't think I have been for a really long time. My parents weren't exactly the loving type. I tried my best to be there for Sam, but the moment I could get my freedom I took it. I rebelled, and my father cut me off for it as I'm sure she told you. But I didn't care. I was finally free. I was finally doing what I wanted, and I met this girl. I thought she was the love of my life. The one, you know? Listen, I don't normally give good advice but never date someone who tattoos you because it's going to end and you're going to wish that you didn't get all of them from her. I used to go into the shop just to see her. And then we started dating. And then she started cheating. And now we're not together and I don't have a place to live and it's middle of the year so I can't do dorms again and apartments are way too expensive. My boss said he'll give me the room in the back of the coffee shop tomorrow after he clears everything out, so at least after tonight I'll have a place to stay. But everything's a mess. My family is a mess, I'm a giant fucking mess, my grades have been slipping lately and I might lose my scholarships, and I've been homeless for a week now."

   Why did you have to really like the guy with all the baggage? The one with neon blinking signs that say 'no trespassing!' The best friend's older brother who has serious emotional issues to hammer out who's spilling his guts to a near stranger at three in the morning? And why is it that you have the emotional skills of a fucking rock at this moment? "Wow, that fucking sucks man." Really, that's all you can muster up? You tack on, "I'm sorry," for good measure.

   "You don't have anything to be sorry about. I'm sorry for dumping this all on you. I uh...I don't usually talk about this kind of stuff. To anyone. I guess you're just easy to talk to."

   "You should try talking more about it. It's not healthy to keep it all bottled in, you know?" You can hear him shuffle on the pillow, nodding his head you assume while you try not to squeal when he said you were easy to talk to.

   "How's Sam doing by the way? I've been a really shitty brother..."

   "Good right now. She had a few mental breakdowns, but she's on the quick road to recovery. She's taking the family falling apart in stride. She said that she kind of always knew this would happen, I think the harder thing has been the lack of contact with you. But don't worry, I won't tell her anything you told me. Just...talk to her when you're ready." You pause for a moment, trying to organize your thoughts before you add softly, "you know it's not always a bad thing for something to fall apart. Think of this as a new clean slate. There's still plenty of time this semester to pull your grades back up. And like you said you've got a place to stay lined up. And your parents...well there's nothing you can do about that. It honestly sounds like it was all for the better from the stories I've heard. Just...work on things one at a time. Don't try to do everything at once because then you won't do anything. And if things ever feel overwhelming like I said, mi casa es su casa. Think of me as like the emergency friend therapist or whatever."

   "Thanks (y/n)..." You can feel your cheeks heat up from the tone of his quiet voice and pray that your voice doesn't sound too squeaky when you call out a quiet goodnight.

   The next morning Hoseok is already gone by the time you wake up at ten. He's folded up the blanket and left a note on top of the pillow. "(y/n), thanks again for everything. If you ever need anything just let me know. (###) ###-####. -Hobi."

   It wasn't fair the way your heart hammered away first thing in the morning. It also was admittedly really creepy that the next thing you did was pick up the blanket to see if it smelled like him. It did. And you very much approve of his cologne choice. It's woodsy and citrusy and you're incredibly thankful that no one is around to see your face buried in the blanket. After your brain clicks back on and you realize that you're a certifiable creep at this point you slowly enter him as a contact. A strange, unfamiliar part of you wanted to give him some cutesy name but you realize how bizarre that would look and instead you simply enter him in as 'Hoseok' with no additional heart emojis.

   Part of you really wants to text him. Perhaps use the excuse of checking up on him, because you were actually really curious. There was a lot going on in his life and by the sounds of it he was cracking under pressure and not talking to anyone about it. Instead, though you simply stare at the contact, take a deep breath, and get ready for work.

-----------------three weeks later--------------------

   "Oh, come on (y/n), it'll be fun! Please? You always turn down my party invites but I promise this one won't be too over the top. It's not even at a frat house or anything!" You try not to glare in Sam's direction as you put away the last of the books received in this morning. You aren't exactly a party person. You're the mom friend, that's your role and while you don't readily admit it it's the truth. You're the friend that at parties always inevitably gets stuck trying to corral your pathetic, drunk, and often times sick friends back home. Which is why you don't do parties. That and they make you slightly claustrophobic. It's not that you hate people, you just prefer more conversationally stimulating environments than a party has to offer. Also, you hate the smell of shitty beer and body odor, which is the main fragrance of all college parties. And random creepy drunk dudes who smell like said hated fragrance mixed with cheap body spray trying to get into your pants? Yeah, that's a big no for you.

   "Sam, I don't know. I mean, you know how I feel about parties. Listen, I love you. And I love hanging out with you. But I've seen you drunk, and it ain't pretty. Besides, I still have that paper I need to finish for my Lit class." You try to avoid her potent puppy eyes as you walk behind the counter to slap price stickers on the rest of the books.

   "Listen, if you don't wanna go that's fine. But like, when's the last time you got some? It's been months since you broke up with Aaron, and from the sounds of it he didn't know how to find a clit so do yourself a favor and just come with me for a little bit? If there are no guys there that spark your interest ditch me. But don't use the paper as an excuse to stay in your fortress for another lame Saturday. It's not even due for another week and you're already in editing phase. We literally had that conversation half an hour ago." You make the mistake of glancing over at Sam. She's giving you more than just puppy eyes, she's even giving you a full quivering bottom lip. Ugh, why do you have to be such a sucker for her?

   "Fine. Fine, I'll go." You hold up your hand as she starts squealing, "But I make no promises on staying for very long."

------------------------

   Two hours later and you're nursing a warm Smirnoff ice in the corner. Not surprisingly thirty minutes ago almost immediately after entering the party, Samantha ditched you for a guy who looks like he does keg stands professionally. You swear she has the worst taste in men. The obnoxious little voice in the back of your head cackles at the sentiment, reminding you that at least Sam isn't pining after a guy who just so happens to be her best friend's brother that she knows next to nothing about other than he has a mountain of baggage and most certainly isn't interested. You take a swig of the warm, sweet drink in spite until your eyes lock onto the man standing in front of you. You're pretty sure you have a class with him, what was his name again?

   "Jimin." Shit, can he read minds? "Sorry, didn't mean to freak you out you just looked like you were trying to place my name. We share that intro to lit class."

   "Ah, yeah sorry about that I'm-"

   "(Y/N), yeah I know. You're kind of hard to forget."

   "Oh." You'll admit, Jimin is very cute. But cute is really the key word for him, and try as you might to summon an urge to jump his bones you just don't feel anything. There's no spark there, no lust to drag him into the nearest bed and explore all he has to offer. Too bad getting over a one-sided crush isn't that simple.

   Jimin is about to say something, but he's soon tackled by someone behind him. "Dude, it took me forever to find you. Yoongi's refusing to play beer pong on my team. Please, help me?" Jimin narrows his eyes on the other guy before swiveling back to you, his lips jutting out into a formidable puppy pout that your sure would make most women swoon.

   "Do you wanna come with? You looked a little bored." You should say no, you should just crawl back into the comforting confines that is your bed and pray to whatever deity to allow you to go back to a normal life where you didn't know a demigod walked the campus but no instead you fall prey to the puppy pout. Again damnit. (Y/N): 0, puppy eyes: 2.  

   "Sure." Jimin looks triumphant as he grabs your hand and weaves through the throngs of people until you arrive at the back porch where things seem to be much more comfortably quiet. Until you lock eyes with the earlier mentioned demigod himself.

   "(Y/N)?" Hoseok stares at you in disbelief for a moment in front of the beer pong table, before smiling. Oh god, that smile. You swear you can feel your heart trying to escape from you again, you can hear corny Disney music playing in the background, an angel halo placed above his head as a random backlight makes his tan glow nearly gold until you blink away the momentary insanity. You wish you could blame all of that on alcohol, but you haven't had nearly enough liquid courage to induce that montage.

   "Uh, hey." Fuck, why did you have to say uh? Jimin is staring at the interaction and oh god, he knows. He fucking knows. And you can't kill him, not here. Too many witnesses. Instead, you'll just have to pray for the world to open up and swallow you whole. Or a zombie to come over and take you first in the zombie apocalypse. Jimin, thank the sweet heavens, doesn't say anything. He just looks at the two of you a moment before winking at you and taking his place across from Hoseok.

   "You ready to go down, Hobi?" The other boy looks eager to start, he's stretching his wrists while glaring at the other team.

   You cast a glance behind you and take a seat at an empty bench to watch it all unfold. The boy that roped Jimin into all of this is Taehyung, and the one on Hoseok's team is Namjoon. Yoongi, the one who refused to play, at some point ambled over to you and offered a cigarette before beginning to loudly tell you why everyone playing sucks each time they miss. You're assuming based off of the shit eating grin on his face that he's doing it solely to mess everyone up, and it works on just about everyone. Except for Hoseok, who seems completely unaffected.

   It doesn't take long before everything is over and Jimin and Taehyung are forced to chug the remaining drinks. You polish off the last of your sugary alcoholic drink and start looking for the nearest escape before Hoseok is ambling over towards you.

   "Hey, I didn't expect to see you here. Is Sam here?" You nod quietly before slowly adding.

   "I wouldn't...uh...go looking for her though." Hoseok sighs and nods before sitting next to you on the bench.

   "You don't seem like much of a party person."

   "I'm really not. But it's nice out here, it's quiet." You glance over to see Jimin giving a now very drunk Yoongi a ride on his back. "Your friends are interesting."

   Hoseok snorts. "They're idiots, but loveable."

   "Did you get that room situation at the cafe all figured out?"

   "Yup, got all my stuff moved in and everything. Thanks for not telling Sam by the way. I've been talking to her you know."

   "I know, she's been over the moon about it. Oh, you know your mom is coming over next week?"

   "How do you know this and I don't?" Hoseok sighs but adds a quiet thanks.

   "Oh, uh, sorry. But, I know that they're planning on doing dinner again. I think we're going to Olive Garden, which means plenty of breadsticks to swipe."

   "We're?"

   "I was invited." Hoseok chuckles at this before shaking his head.

   "I think I should be offended that I've been replaced."

   "You haven't been replaced by me. I'm telling you all this so you can make sure to talk to your mom if you want to go. Or avoid it like the plague, it's your choice."

   "Thank you. I suppose I've done enough avoiding though, I'll try texting her." At this point an awkward silence begins to fall and before you start babbling you decide to finally make your exit.

   "Well, I should probably get going. I'll see you around." Hoseok jumps up, shaking his head.

   "I'll walk you home." He holds up his hand as you start to protest. "I need to get going anyways and you're on the way. Besides, it'll give me a great excuse to get out of here before they try to wrangle me into another round."

   You nod and start to walk forward before you call out behind you, "I'll see you in class tomorrow, Jimin!" Jimin sends a bright smile to you and waves, sending another all too knowing wink before Yoongi accidentally (at least you hope it's accidentally) starts strangling him.

   You weave your way to the back gate with Hoseok in close proximity as you start quietly making your way to your dorm. There's a lot that you want to say, but you aren't sure really what you should say. After all telling him that he's breathtakingly handsome probably won't end well. You mean, it might, but probably just for a night and for once you're not really interested in catch and release.

   "So...you never texted me."

   "Well...I haven't exactly had a need to." Oh god, you sound so harsh. "I mean, I didn't really want to bother you unless I really needed help or something. I figure you're pretty busy."

   You glance over at Hoseok to see him...smiling? He's actually smiling? "Well, it doesn't have to be an emergency or anything. Text me, whenever you want. I mean it (y/n). I appreciate all the help you've given me, so even if you just need someone to like vent to or something I'm here for you." God, he isn't helping matters. Why can't he be an asshole that you could just hatefuck and get everything out of your system? "Looks like we're here. Have a good night (y/n). It was nice seeing you again."

   "Um, you too Hoseok!" You turn away quickly and dash into the dorm. Never have you been more grateful for your tiny dorm room and not having a dormmate before as you squeal into your pillow before flipping onto your back and staring at your phone.

   It feels like ages before you finally type out on the too bright screen, "Did you make it home okay?"

   You get a response just a moment later.

[Hoseok]: Yes mom

   You groan before staring at the typing bubble pop up and disappear repeatedly. God, what is he typing? Why won't he just fucking say it? Does he hate you? Did he not really mean it when he said to text him whenever? Do you look clingy? CURSE THOSE THREE PERIODS! Oh god. You heaved a sigh of relief when you finally see the text appear.

[Hoseok]: Just kidding, it was nice seeing you again btw

[you]: How have things been going for you btw?

[Hoseok]: Better, I took your advice. I'm doing better in my classes, I've been talking to Sam more. Things are starting to actually look up.

[you]: That's great! I'm glad things are doing better!

[Hoseok]: How about you though? Any dudes I should beat up?

   Have you just been banished to the sister realm? You're pretty sure you have been.

[You]: No I'm pretty boring. Just trying to finish all of my papers.

[Hoseok]: what's your major?

[You]: Creative writing, made the mistake of taking ten classes this semester, and most of them are morning lectures.

[Hoseok]: Are you a superhuman? Like, how???

[You]: I've given up on free time

[Hoseok]: You sound like you need a break

[you]: When I space out too long I can actually hear my grades falling

[Hoseok]: ah, the woes of college. I'm glad I don't have to do many papers for dance

[you]: Yeah, but you still have to practice and perform and honestly I'd rather have someone shoot me in my face than have to perform in front of people

[Hoseok]: Wow, those are some intense feelings you have there

[you]: Most sane humans don't enjoy being in front of others like that. I don't know how you do it.

[Hoseok]: you get used to it. I promise. Hey, I have a performance upcoming that you might really like. It's in a month

[you]: Oh yeah! Sam told me about that, she already got us tickets

[Hoseok]:...she could have just asked me for them? I can't believe she actually paid for them

[you]: I think she was trying to surprise you. Please don't tell her I told you

[Hoseok]: It'll be our secret. Again. We seem to hold a lot of secrets, huh?

[you]: I blame you.

   After that the two of you send a few memes back and forth before you finally fall asleep, your dream being an odd montage of Hoseok dancing and kissing you in the rain until Sam starts screaming at you. Luckily the Sam screaming at you part seems to do more with her poorly timed wake up call.

   "WAKE UP ALREADY!" Sam unceremoniously rips your blankets off of you as you blearily open your eyes. "Christ, I swear you could sleep through anything. Wanna go get coffee? I have so much to tell you."

   You grunt in response before slowly changing and trudging behind Samantha as she heads over to your car. Luckily she doesn't even protest when you toss her the keys and try to squeeze in a few more minutes of sweet sleep before you pull up to Hoseok's coffee shop. God, why now? Why couldn't you have spruced up a bit more? Worn something other than a ratty t-shirt and leggings to see him again? And your face still has pillow marks, god this is horrible. You take a deep breath and follow behind Sam, praying she hasn't noticed your delay.

   The world must truly hate you because the moment you walk in you see Hoseok behind the counter smiling over at the two of you. "Hey sis, you won't be screaming at me this time, right?"

   "Unfortunately today I've decided to be civilized. Also, I came for free coffee." Hoseok snorts before nodding for her to continue. "Um, two flat whites. Also whatever muffins you recommend."

   "Got it, I'll be over to you guys in a bit." You try shrinking away as quietly as possible to the couch that Sam flops down on.

   "Listen, so I was going to go you know hang out with Bobby last night,"

   "Ew, his name even sucks."

   "Shut up! Anyway, as I was saying, I was going to but then all of a sudden that girl Heather the cheerleader all the guys are goo goo eyed for? Well, she came out of nowhere and started screaming at Bobby for knocking her up! Swear to god, I felt like I was living an episode of the Maury show." Samantha goes into more detail and you can feel your eyes glazing over. You actually have no clue who this Heather is, and you honestly don't care. You feel bad that Sam got stuck in the middle of it all, but this kind of drama has always been uninteresting to you. You're not sure if you should shriek that Hoseok has to once again witness you in this state or thank the gods that Sam finally seems to be finished telling the tale at the sight of her brother.

   "Hey, Hobi, wait! Before you go I've been meaning to tell you that Mom asked me to invite you to go to dinner with us next Friday. Do you think you can make it?"

   "I'll see what I can do. What time?"

   "Around six I think? At Olive Garden, which means all the breadsticks we can steal for later!" Hoseok winks at you as Sam occupies herself with her blueberry muffin for a minute.

   "Got it, I'll be there." You try your best to not get caught watching him walk away. God, even his ass looks great. How do some people get all the good genes while you're sitting here looking like an unwashed potato?

--------------------1 week later---------------

   You're munching on a breadstick, listening to soon to no longer be Mrs. Jung go on and on about how proud she is of Sam as your eyes narrow in on Hoseok sauntering over. No man should look that good in just a white T-shirt and jeans, and you're having a hard time not staring. Over the last week, the two of you have texted nearly nonstop. He's sweet and funny, and he has an arsenal of really good memes that he sends you at the most unexpected of times. It's just not fair. You can't have it all. You can't look that good AND have such a killer sense of humor and be witty and intelligent.

   Sam keeps pestering you asking who you could possibly be texting, and at one point you blurted out Jimin. Which isn't entirely a lie. The two of you have actually hung out a few times this last week, and he is convinced that he needs to be a wingman for you and Hoseok so you're pretty sure he'd have no problem covering for you. Apparently, you need to work on your poker face better if Jimin caught on so quickly. You hate that you've lied to your best friend, but at the same time you're not sure how to spill the beans that you have a thing for her older brother who she's incredibly protective over. Someday either you'll get over it or you'll finally buck up and tell her. Today, however, is not that day.

   "Hobi, my baby!" Mrs. Jung jumps up at the sight of her son and wraps him into a tight embrace before reluctantly pulling away so he can have a seat. After quietly wiping away a stray tear her eyes laser in on the tattoos. "When...did you get all of those?"

   "Uh, about a year ago I guess." His eyes cast down at the table, guilt clearly washing over his features at not having seen his family in so long. "You know mom, I uh, I have a dance performance upcoming and I have a solo part. I'd really like it if you could come."

   Her eyes finally look away from the tattoos and back up to his face before she nods. "Of course, of course, I'll come. You know, I always did think you were a great dancer it was your father who-"

   "Mom, mom it's okay. We know. Let's just enjoy tonight." Sam interjects and you find yourself awkwardly cramming a breadstick into your mouth as you try to astral project out of this family conversation you're intruding on. Hoseok glances between the three women around the table before cracking up loudly at the sight of your cheeks stuffed to full bread capacity.

   "Oh, Hoseok I guess I've never properly introduced you to (y/n). (Y/N), don't let his looks fool you. He's super lame. He once failed a test because he was up all night playing pokemon go and he's super loud which is totally not cool."

   "Sam! Be nice to your brother!" Hoseok laughs as he waves off his mother's warning.

   "Well, at least I don't still sleep with Mr. Porky your childhood stuffed pig."

   "YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!"

   Your eyes dart between the siblings as they quarrel with one another. Siblings look like fun, and there's something so heartwarming about the way how they interact even when fighting. Okay, well maybe not that time that Sam ripped him a new one at his job, but this time it looks fun. It's also nice to see Hoseok so relaxed and happy, so comfortable and not like the world is going to fall apart or with a bunch of thorns sticking out of his hair.

   The rest of the night you try not to glance over at Hoseok too much. It's hard to keep up the conversations and not include him, but you realized rather quickly that speaking to him too much cause your cheeks to burst a flaming red and words to come out slightly wobbly. It's so easy to text him, but in person (especially while trying to keep your friendship as a secret) it's like fighting a boss battle. By the time you get back home you're exhausted, utterly wiped out from trying to keep yourself sane.

-----------

   A month later and you're sitting next to Sam as the performance finishes up. You've never seen modern dance before, but you can guarantee it won't be the last time. The way he moved, the raw emotions that each movement gave it was like watching a silent movie but knowing all the dialogue. It's also at this moment that you realize you don't like Hoseok. You don't have a crush on Hoseok. No, you love him. You love his quirky sense of humor, you love the darker brooding side of him, you love the way his eyes turn into little crescents as his cheeks press up when he smiles, you love the way he's so effortlessly him. Perhaps you fell in love the moment you started texting him, the moment you started unraveling this. But this is dangerous and unfair to your best friend and to Hoseok who most likely sees you as only a friend. So before the very end of the show, you fake a stomach ache and head home, you're in far too much of a mess at this stunningly obvious realization to see Hoseok face to face with his family around.

   The guilt that already felt heavy to begin with now feels like a boulder on your shoulders when you get a text from Sam followed by one from Hoseok shortly after, both of them concerned how you're feeling. While at first, you wanted to save your integrity instead you just say, "I ate too much ice cream and didn't take a Lactaid." There, embarrassing but believable and certainly easier to admit than "I'm head over heels in love with Hoseok and I've been secretly texting him." It's at this point that you do something even dumber, you text your secret ally Jimin.

[You]: I have a problem

[Jimin]: ?

[You]: I'm in love with him. Please shoot me.

[Jimin]: No thanks, I don't handle blood well. But you just noticed this? How are you slow on the uptake about your own emotions?

[You]: Ouch, could you try to comfort me. I don't know what the fuck to do

[Jimin]: Put your big girl pants on and tell him

[You]: Fuck no. Are you crazy? My best friend, his fucking sister, doesn't even know we talk

[Jimin]: Yeah I know. Just tell her.

[You]: Life isn't that simple assface

[Jimin]: I'll take that as a compliment, I have a great ass. Also it is that simple. I assure you. It only doesn't seem that simple because you're afraid. Don't be. I know Hobi and...just trust me if his sister is anything like him tell her and trust me when I say just be honest. What's the worst that can happen?

[You]: I'm not ready to hear no, I think I might die from heartbreak

[Jimin]: Ohmygod you are so freaking dramatic. Tell them bitch or I will!

[You]: You fucking wouldn't

[Jimin]: Well someone has to...

   It's at this point that you throw your phone at the wall out of frustration at the same time as a few knocks are heard on your door. Fear seizes you at the thought that it might be Sam or Hobi. Fuck. Fuck. Oh god, you really screwed yourself over. "Open up loser, I know you're in there."

   For someone so cute and tiny with such a quiet voice you've learned that Jimin certainly has a snarky side to him which you've clearly awakened if his tone through the door is anything to go by. "Don't wanna. Let me die in peace."

   "I will kick the door down in five four three" You begrudgingly open the door for him before shutting it and shuffling back under the blankets.

   "What are you doing over here Jimin?"

   "Trying to talk some sense into you. Besides, emotional support is better in person. So, I saw you at the show tonight. Snuck out early huh? I left as soon as I got changed to stop you from blubbering alone."

   "Got changed? You were there?" You don't remember seeing Jimin in the crowd, although you were rather focused on the show.

   "Ouch, I'm one of the dancers remember? How cruel and heartless." Jimin fakes a sob before he socks a punch on your shoulder and wraps you up in his arms. "Seriously though, I know it's scary but just tell them already. Look at you, you can't keep this a secret much longer. It's like ripping a bandaid off, you need to let it happen."

   You try to weigh everything out, and you spend the next hour formulating a plan with Jimin. He's right, you do need to tell them. And while Jimin thinks you should tell Hobi first and get it over with, your allegiance to your friend holds more importance to you. Instead, you decide in the morning you'll talk to her first and then you'll try to talk to Hoseok. It might ruin the friendship that you've built, but it's no use pining after him from a distance. As much as you hate to admit it, Jimin is right. It's time to finally come clean after months of this.

-------------

   It was now or never. It was d-day, game time, time for the world to possibly collapse and have your best friend punch you in your throat. You're nervously clutching at the hem of your hoodie as she blabbers on about dinner with her mom and her brother, and you can feel yourself almost bursting. You have to tell her, and soon.

   "Ugh, I feel so bad that you had to miss dinner though. We went to this little Mexican place and they had this flan that you would have loved. I would have saved you some but one I have no self-control, let's be real, and two you would've just forgotten to take a Lactaid and gotten sicker."

   "Sam," You take a wobbly breath and interject her thousand words a minute rambling. She looks up from her phone and rolls over on your bed, an eyebrow cocked at the serious tone in your voice. "Sam, I uh, I have something to tell you..."

   "What, you're fucking Jimin? Yeah, I figured that one out already. So what, are you guys dating or just-"

   "What? NO? Oh my god, no why would you-"

   "-Well, why wouldn't I? When I was talking to Hobi about it last night even he agreed that you guys must be dating. Especially when he took off so fast after the show suspiciously around the time that you left. You don't have to lie about."

   "Oh. Oh god, oh no. Hobi doesn't really think that, does he? Fuck. Okay, Sam, Jimin was right I need to be honest. I'm not fucking Jimin, nor have I ever-"

   "That's a shame, he has a great ass."

   "Yeah, sure, back to the point." You can feel a cold sweat start to take over as you gulp in air, "I'minlovewithyourbrother." You say the words as fast as possible, eyes squeezed shut as you brace for impact.

   "What? You're...howzthatevenpossible? Since like when? And...love...not like...girl I am so confused." You slowly open your eyes, one at a time to see a very lost look on her face.

   "Okay so it's like this...I've met Hoseok before the incident at the coffee shop. Way before. Only once though. He passed out on campus and I helped him out. We didn't talk. But then at that party where you ditched me for Mr. Keg stands-"

   "-His name is Bobby, and I told you we didn't have sex he-"

   "-Knocked up the cheerleader, yeah I know. Anyways, we ran into each other at the party and we got to talking and then we started texting and I know he sees me as just a friend or maybe just a friend of his sister...but...I really like him. Like him like him, like love like." Great, now you're incoherent. Sam is dumbfounded, and for once she isn't talking. After a moment of awkward silence, she clears her throat.

   "You do realize he's a dork? Like a giant dork? And that he freaking lives in a coffee shop? And that he has a lot of baggage? And that honestly, as your friend I should warn you, probably has gotten an STD at some point in his life? Like...you're way too good for my dipshit older brother. I love him, but like honestly. Him?" Well, this wasn't the direction you expected at all. "I get that some girls think he's cute and all, but you've never had to do his laundry. It's gross. He smells like gross boy."

   "He smells like citrus and pine needle most of the time, you can't blame him for sweating when he dances."

   "Did...did you just defend his body odor? And how the fuck do you know that he smells like citrus and pine needle? What, are you some kind of scent expert? You know what, no please don't answer that. I don't want to know." Sam shakes her head before clasping your hand. "Listen, I'm not here to police who you date or who my brother dates. I'll support you. Or console you." Gee thanks for the vote of confidence. "But I think I might have fucked everything up. You should talk to him soon."

   "Well yeah, you did kind of make him think I was fucking Jimin. How bad was it?"

   Sam tilts her head, eyes narrowing as she recalls the memory. "Well...he was pretty surprised, but then he put on his typical 'nice guy' smile and said that you guys made a good pair and he could see it."

   You groan in frustration as you grab your phone, getting ready to send him a text before Sam slaps it out of your hold.

   "No, nope, you're not texting him this. Listen, there's a party tonight that I know he'll be going to after he finishes up work. You're going. That'll be the best way to talk to him." God, not another party. This isn't at all how you wanted to admit your stupid feelings. Damn emotions, you swear they're like dandelions growing in the least expected places. But the look on Sam's face says she's not going to take no for an answer. But she's right, if he's working right now the best time to get a hold of him today will be at that party.

   You take a deep breath in and nod resolutely. Just because she's right doesn't mean that you have to like it and you still stand by your hatred for parties. At least this time you have a reason. As long as you can find Hoseok. "What if I can't find him?"

   "I'll text him, dummy. I've got your back."

   "More like you'll have the popcorn to watch this all unfold."

   "Well, yeah that too. But I mean, I'm rooting for you." You pick up a pillow and hurl it at her face before groaning as you flop over her on the bed.

   "What time is the party?"

   "Well it starts at 9, and it's five now. So if I were you I would start getting ready now."

   "Now? What for?" Uh oh, you know that face.

-------------------

   There are few things in life that Samantha Jung loves more than giving people makeovers. You've been thoroughly groomed and primped to perfection and it somehow took the full four hours. Your skin is glowing in a way you didn't realize it could but after enough exfoliating, a clay mask, a sheet mask, and a hydropack later it's sparkling in a way that shouts "I drink tons of water and eat my weight in kale!" Not that you do, you probably should though. You're highlighted and contoured to perfection, and while Sam is clearly proud you have zero problems with admitting that it will never look this way again. She did at least let you wear your own comfortable choice of jeans, t-shirt, and sneakers.  

   "He's in the backyard, playing beer pong again." Jimin appears by your side the moment the two of you walk in, answering the golden question before you can even think it.

   "Jesus, you scared the shit out of me Jimin." Jimin snickers as he hands both of you drinks.

   "Sorry about that princess. Well, what are you waiting for? Go show your very dewy face off to him."

   "Oh god do I look like an oil slick?" Sam hits him as you pull out your phone and check in the camera.

   "No no no, you look great." Jimin is trying to stop the blows Samantha is hurling his way as you sigh and glance around the party. You don't know most of these people. Apparently it's mostly music and dance students celebrating that they've finished all of their showcases. You can feel dread fill you with each step closer to the door as you move past the crowd. It feels like ages before you're finally standing in front of the door. You take a swig of the Kool-Aid and bottom-shelf vodka concoction before finally stepping out.

   If you weren't oily before you know that you will be soon. It's humid, sticky, and sweltering even after the sun has gone down. You can see the fireflies already coming out, cicadas can be heard buzzing in the distance, and you're sure mosquitos are actively hunting. If it weren't for your eyes landing right on Hoseok you would've walked right back into the comfortable air conditioning. Why anyone would want to play beer pong outside in this weather is beyond you.

   You take a deep breath before promptly taking a seat next to Yoongi. You'd like to lie and say you walked right up to Hoseok, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and kissed him...but that's not asking for consent for one, and you also would probably fall flat on your face if you tried. Yoongi nods your way before offering his cigarette, you shake your head in a silent response before taking another swig of your drink.

   "Hey Yoongi, who's the new friend?" A man you don't recognize stops playing beer pong momentarily and you try hard to not sweat as you feel Hoseok's gaze land on you.

   "(Y/N), what are you doing here? Oh! Jimin just walked into the house if you're looking for him." You try not to laugh too pitifully as you wave your hand as if to shoo the thought away.

   "No, no. I know where he is." You're so sorry Sam, but it's your turn to throw her under the bus. "In fact, I'm pretty sure he's still with Sam. She had some sort of uh...misunderstanding that I think she's rather eager to sort out." You look up from the dandelion you've been concentrating on when you hear his sing-song laughter and you feel like you've been sucker punched in the gut. His hair is slicked back for once, cheeks glowing a pretty shade of pink under the patio light, sweat trailing down his temple onto his collar bones and all of his tattoos on full display in his tank top. Lord give you strength to not die from thirst on the spot.

   "Sam has a bad habit of jumping to conclusions."

   "Hey, are we going to play or what?" The guy you don't know throws an empty cup at the back of Hoseok's head as he speaks. Hoseok rolls his eyes before sending you a wink and turning back to the broad-shouldered stranger.

   "Yeah yeah Jin. Ready to get your ass kicked again?"

   There are a few things you learn in the next few minutes. Hoseok is really good at beer pong, you figured that last time but considering that the defeat only took a total of three minutes it's much more obvious now. You've also learned that Jin sucks and that Yoongi loves nothing more than to pick on him each time he misses. Which is every time.

   "Aish, that's it. I'm done. I quit." Jin groans after chugging back the last cup before he ambles over to another group further in the backyard. Yoongi coughs before winking at you and heading over with Jin, leaving you and Hoseok alone. Bless that tiny angry man for being the best unexpected wingman. Hoseok glances around for a minute before sitting down next to you.

   "You were really good by the way. The show I mean, the beer pong too though. I had no clue someone could dance like that. You chose the right pursuit in life, I'm sure of it."

   Hoseok laughs as he takes a swig of beer. "Thanks, I appreciate that. It's a shame you had all that ice cream. Lactose intolerant huh? I've been fucking you up with all those free coffees and I didn't even know it." You can feel your cheeks burning bright red as you jump to your feet. The sudden movement causes Hoseok to jerk back as you point your finger at his chest.

   "For your information that was a lie, although I would appreciate if you used almond milk in the future. But that's beside the point! I was completely fine, just a scaredy cat. So here goes nothing, Jung Hoseok I'd like to take you out on a date!" You can feel the blush travel from your cheeks up to your ears but force yourself to look at Hoseok. He's smiling, ear to ear with cheeks pushing his eyes into those cute little crescents you love to see.

   "Okay. Let's go."

   "What?"

   "You said you want to take me out on a date. I'm saying yes, let's go. Come on, what are you waiting for?" Your mind goes blank as he stands up and clasps your hand in his. It's so warm (kind of sweaty if you're honest, but hey, so is yours) and so perfect. Your brain freezes, your mental record scratches as you follow him through the house and out to the front lawn. (Excuse me, this is your friendly narrator, I'd like to interrupt for just a moment. This story could have been much shorter if you didn't overthink everything so much. Believe in yourself more! Okay, that's enough interruptions. I'll get back to the story now.)

   "Wait, wait, Hoseok where are we going?" Hoseok gives you a bright smile as he looks down at you.

   "There's a diner a block away from here. You didn't bring your car did you?" You shake your head no as you follow him. "They do really good pancakes. Breakfast for dinner is the best." At the sound of you suddenly going mute Hoseok looks back down as he squeezes your hand reassuringly. "So why'd you ask me out?"

   "Why wouldn't I? You're hot for one, but you're also really funny and sweet and relatable, and honestly, it's impossible to not fall for you. You have this bright sunny smile, but under all these layers is this really sweet but vulnerable man that I..." Hoseok stops walking for a moment, his face turned away as if to hide the blush creeping up his face. You take a deep breath before asking, "...why...why did you accept?"

   "Why wouldn't I?" You laugh at the way he imitates you before he starts walking again. "You're beautiful, and you've saved my ass twice because you're either insane or insanely nice, you're funny, smart, and the moment we started talking my life turned around. Honestly, yesterday I wanted to punch Jimin in the throat but then I realized it was my fault for not beating him to the punch. I would've asked you out if you hadn't, you know. Ah, we're here." Hobi leads you into the diner and slides into a booth as you slide into the other side. You stare down at the shiny black lacquered table for a moment before peeking up to look up at Hoseok.

   He's peering intently at the laminated menu. You've never noticed before but he has beautiful, long fingers with well-groomed cuticles. "Do you get manicures?"

   "No, but Sam recently had one of her makeover moments with me and decides that my nails had to have some work done on them."

   "She did a good job, they look nice." Hoseok glances up and smiles at you before sliding another menu to you. You take it and stare down for a moment before a waitress comes up to your table.

   "What can I get you guys?"

   "Oh, uh I'll just get a water and a small stack of pancakes."

   "A sprite and the stackhouse, eggs over easy." The waitress nods as she scribbles it down before walking away. Hoseok fiddles with a napkin for a moment before piping up. "Okay, so really important question here, what are your top songs right now?"

   "What genre?"

   "Rap?" He looks hopeful and you pull up your phone.

   "Well, always J Cole and Kendrick, but let's see...songs...hmm. Recently I've been listening to Justin Bieber by Coogie a lot, Uzuhan by Uzuhan, Pink Blue Dawn by Dumbfoundead. Honestly, I've been listening to more R&B lately. Lots of Sabrina Claudio, Sinead Harnett, and Steve Lacey."

   "Holy sweet Jesus, mary me."

   "Were you praying to Jesus and his mother or asking for my hand in marriage?"

   "A bit of both."

   "Oh well Kevin in first grade and I got married by the swingset after he gave me a ring pop so I think I'll have to get those divorce papers first. Sorry. My turn for questions. In a dream world, what would you be doing?"

   "Well marrying you because Kevin never gave you that ring pop obviously, and I'd be working as an established choreographer with my own studio."

   "You'll get there. I'm sure of it."

   "Such confidence. What about you? What would you be doing?"

   You want to say 'you' to him but you would definitely die from embarrassment. You can see the shitty epitaph now just thinking about it. "Well, I guess I'd be an established author on a much-needed vacation on a beautiful island basking in the warm sun without a worry because I've dug myself out of student loan debt."

   "Ooh, that sounds nice. I'm thinking Hawaii, ooh or maybe Jeju, you know it's the Hawaii of Korea?"

   At that moment the food comes out and the two of you spend the next hour or so discussing random topics until finally, you get up to leave after not so subtle hints from the waitress that you've overstayed your welcome. The two of you choose to walk back to your dorm rather than wait for an uber. It's only a few blocks away and it gives both of you more time to just bask in each other's presence. You never guessed that he would say yes to a date, or that it would feel so natural. All this time you've been able to hide away with text messages, making it easier to be unguarded the way face to face conversations typically make you a nervous ball of anxiety. But with Hobi? It all just feels so right, so easy as if it was supposed to be this way all along.

   You can feel your heart sink though with each step closer to the dorm, and you're pretty sure that Hoseok feels the same way based off of how he slows down. By the time you're standing in front of the building, you're suddenly feeling an overwhelming urge to not let the night end, afraid that you'll wake up tomorrow and the fairytale spell that's been magically cast will vanish.

   His hand is still tightly gripped around yours, the moon and dim security lights casting a silvery glow over his skin. Cicadas are still buzzing, fireflies glowing in the distance as if to remind you that the night isn't over yet. You glance up at Hobi and notice that it looks like he's trying to say something but no sound is coming out. His lips are slightly open, brows furrowed together. God, his lips look so soft and perfect and pillowy. Before you can even think you're standing up on your tiptoes and weaving your free hand into his hair as you softly plant a kiss on his lips.  

   What starts out as a soft and unsure peck quickly escalates as he grips your hip and deepens the kiss. He tastes like syrup and sprite and everything right. You can feel yourself growing dizzy, hungry for more as his tongue parts your lips. You always assumed he'd be a good kisser, if you're honest you've fantasized about it far more than you'd ever willingly admit, but he's even better than you could have guessed. A soft breathy moan leaves your mouth as he brings your bodies closer together and the guttural groan that leaves him as he finally separates and the two of you try to breathe has you reconfirming that you really don't want this night to end.

   "I, wow that was..." Hobi's eyes are glittering, the world cast in a haze of twinkling euphoria as you look back up at him.

   "Hobi, would you like to come up with me?" You're suddenly regretting your sudden boldness at the way he stops moving for a minute. Perhaps you're moving too fast, maybe he thinks you're a floozy or something and you've ruined it. Your overthinking goes into overdrive before his hand cups your chin and forces you to look back up at him.

   "I would love to, but if I go up there I...listen I really want you. So if you just want to hang out I need you to give me a second so I can calm down." At that, you peek down to realize that he's clearly grown excited, and you can feel a surge of need trickle down your panties.

   "I...I don't want to just hang out. I want you."

   "Ah, fuck. Are you sure?" You nod your head before reaching back up and placing a firm kiss on his lips. The green light seems to go off in his head at this, his hands gripping you tightly to him as tongues melt together before he pries away and you quickly lead him up. Unfortunately, the elevator has been broken for almost the entire year so you have to make the trip by jumping up the stairs, fever clawing at you the closer you get.

   By the time you're finally in your room you can feel sexual tension hanging thickly in the air. The moment you shut the door he hooks your legs around his waist and presses you against the wall, mouth quick to find yours again. Your hips jut against his, desperate for friction at this point and the groan of pleasure that leaves him has you clawing away at his shirt. You knew that he had a great figure, you've seen it before at the recital but to see it so close in person is another story. Your hands etch over his firm abs, dipping down to that oh so drool worthy V as you unbuckle his pants while his lips attach to your neck.

   "I don't think you understand how long I've wanted you." Hobi stops his ministrations as he speaks, eyes boring into yours before he moves you off the wall and onto your bed. You watch as he shuffles out of his shoes and pants before crawling back over you. In a matter of moments, the two of you are both in just your underwear, his eyes trained on the obvious wet patch of your pink underwear. "You look so beautiful, so perfect."

   The feeling of his soft fingers trailing over your body raises goosebumps, your eyes shutting at the sensation as one hand trails from your calf up to your inner thigh. "Look at you, so wet for me. All for me, all mine." His words have you whimpering, your hand gripping his.

   "Please touch me, I need you. Please, Hobi." His eyes squeeze shut for a moment as he grips at your thighs, shuffling until his face is just millimeters from where you need it.

   "How can I say no to that face?" Finally, he's tearing off your underwear. For a moment you're afraid that he's just going to stay there forever, face hovering over before finally he dips down. You're so wound up that even just the lightest pressure when he lays his tongue down and licks one long stripe has both of you groaning in satisfaction. "Fuck, how do you taste so good?"

   "Please stop talking and just help me. I need you. I need you so bad." You weave your hands through his hair, trying to move him closer to where you need him most. Hoseok shoots you a smirk before relenting, finally diving in like a man starved. His tongue is everywhere all at once, diving between your folds one second before reaching back up to swirl around your swollen clit. Your hands grip tighter into his hair as your hips roll on reflex at the sensation. If the rumors are true and Hoseok really has fucked half the campus at some point then you must admit that the studying has been worth it. If the rumors aren't true then he's either a sex god or a prodigy because holy shit you've never felt yourself come so unglued just from oral sex before.

   His hands grip your asscheeks to bring you closer as you mewl out his name, his own pleasure rumbling deep from his chest and vibrating through you. God, this is so much better than your own fantasies. "Fuck, fuck, you're so good. Don't stop, please don't stop. I'm going to cum." The tell-tale knot deep in your belly is on fire, legs quaking around his head as you throw your neck back. The feeling of two of his fingers gliding into you as he latches onto your clit is all you need to tumble head first into euphoria. Everything feels fuzzy as if cotton has been stuck in your ears and your muscles have become weightless. Floating. Flying. Breezing right into heaven.

   You don't even realize that you've been moaning the entire time, or that Hoseok has stopped moving to watch you as you fuck yourself onto his fingers slowly, coming back down to reality as the stars fade from your vision. "You're so beautiful, I could watch you all day." His voice is gruff with desire as he leans down and captures your lips in a wet, needy kiss. "I need you, I need you right now." His lips lead a sticky trail down to your chest as he finally pries the offending bra off and flings it off to the side of the bed with an ominous sounding crash that neither of you pay attention to. You're too absorbed in your own lustful world to notice anything else.

   As his teeth bear down onto your nipple your hand grasps his clothed erection. God, why is he still in boxers? The sudden attention being placed back on him has his eyes closing as a guttural rumble of pleasure leaves his throat. You try to pry his boxers off, but at the angle you're positioned in you can only manage to get it down half his ass. In lightning speed he's standing before you bare, his weeping cock bobbing proudly in the air. The sight has you drooling as you shuffle closer to see him. Veiny, thick, shining with precum. It looks delicious as he slowly fists it, eyes boring into yours the entire time.

   "Do you...have a condom?" Hoseok's voice breaks you out of your spell and you nod before reaching over to your nightstand and pulling one out. He quickly grabs the foil and you watch with keen interest as he rolls it on and tosses the foil into your small waste bin. "You're...you're sure about this right?"

   "Hobi, I've thought about fucking you more times than I can count. Please, fuck me already." His adam's apple bobs at the admission and he pulls you up into a heated kiss before twisting you around and placing you on all fours. One hand pulls your ass apart as the other grips your hip for support. The feeling of him finally entering zaps you with electricity, each small movement as he sinks further into your dripping cunt has your eyes rolling back into your head.

   "Holy shit, how are you so tight?" You clench at his words, hips rolling back to urge him to move. "Keep doing that baby girl and I'm not going to last long." The pet name has you moaning, hands gripping the sheets tighter as he slowly pulls out and slams back in, balls slapping against your swollen clit. Hoseok sets into a steady pace, hips slamming into yours each time he hits your cervix. You feel so full, so utterly filled and the knowledge that it's Hoseok, finally him deep inside you has your head reeling and your second orgasm fast approaching.

   "Faster, I'm going to cum!" He grunts as he twists your hair around his hand, pulling you up so your back is flat on his chest as he drills into you at a brutal speed. The sound of moans, flesh on flesh, and wet sex fills the room.

   His mouth lowers to your ear as you start spiraling out of control, "come on, cum with me baby girl. Let go." For the second time you see blinding white, toes curling as his hand circles over your clit, walls clenching around him as you milk him to his own completion.

   The two of you remain there for a few moments, panting as you try to come back down to earth before you finally slump forward, his softening cock slipping out. When you turn around you see him grinning back down at you, pushing his hair out of the way as he flashes you that full crescent eye smile you love so much. He takes a moment to catch his breath before he ties up the condom and tosses it. He rolls onto the bed and pulls you into his arms before speaking.

   "You know, I can't remember the last time I was this happy? You're just so beautiful, and funny, and nice and I don't want you thinking that I was only in it for this. I...I know the rumors about me but I haven't been that guy in a long time. And I really want this..us...fuck do I sound super lame right now?"

   You place a soft peck on his cheek as you beam up at him. "No Hobi, you don't sound lame at all. I kinda figured on the rumor front, considering your ex and how serious that seemed. Besides, I don't care even if it was still true as long as you...only want me...now..." Your voice trails off towards the end, cheeks heating up as you look away before glancing back up at the sound of his loud laugh.

   "Trust me, you're the only thing that's been running through my mind for months now. I'm all yours."

   "All mine?" You watch him smile and nod before he leans down to place a gentle kiss on your forehead. The act feeling somehow so intimate. That night you fall asleep in his arms, trying to count all his tattoos as the two of you whisper about everything and nothing all at the same time. You were right, he's certainly the kind of guy that you can lay in bed with for hours after sex so that's exactly what the two of you do.

   One year later Hoseok graduates and the two of you are more in love than you thought possible. Two years later the two of you are living together as you try to finish up your degree. Three years later and you're working for a publisher while trying to establish yourself as an author as Hoseok finally opens up his own dance studio. Four years later Hoseok proposes to you in front of the slides at a park with a beautiful morganite ring, sneering a comment about 'take that Kevin' after you tearfully accept. Five years later and you're walking down the aisle as Sam bawls her eyes out as your maid of honor. There were ups and downs in the relationship (luckily usually between the sheets), but the two of you worked through everything. Somehow that crash landing all those years ago brought Hoseok into your life, and you wouldn't change how anything happened for the world.  

[this-lioness]

Another bullshit update on life in general

Work has kept me busy, and I’ve been trying to get more done creatively and around the house, as well.

This was the first weekend in awhile I didn’t do any (or much) meal prep, since we had enough in the freezer to last us for all the dinners this week, and even a few lunches for Marc.  I made a dozen eggs, cut up and roasted almost 5 lbs of potatoes, and called it a day.

I cancelled the physical therapist, because between work, gym, housekeeping and trying to do something other than being a machine I did not have time for an additional two rounds of exercises every single day.  We were getting up at 5 AM, leaving for work at 6:30 AM, leaving work for home at 5 PM, getting home from the gym around 7, then eating for a half hour.  It was not going to happen.

We ended up cancelling the gym membership, because -- as much as we want to go -- we are just too tired and hungry after an hour-long commute to be like, “Yay, let’s do something tedious and exhausting for a half hour!”

The long term goal was to cancel the membership anyway, however.  I told Marc I want us to concentrate on finishing the sheetrock in the former “cat room” this coming weekend so that we actually use it for its intended purpose, which was exercise.  I have that barre I bought last year that I haven’t had time or room to use even once, and the treadmill and hand weights is just sitting and collecting dust.  So anyway, that’s the plan for next weekend.

We will also be fostering two cats in the next couple weeks, and trying to find them a home.  Long story short we met an artist at one of the galleries downtown, very nice guy, and his friend or nephew or I forget has recently knocked up his girlfriend and decided, “Well, we need to move and get rid of the cats I guess!”

So they’re two year-old sisters, and he wants them to stay together, which is fine.  Like Rosie, they actually look very young, like maybe only 5 months old.  They have never been to the vet in their life, so no shots, and neither of them are fixed, which means it will be on us to take care of all that before they get adopted out.  I’m sure he’s going to be a great Dad [/sarcasm].

When Marc found out that the cats needed a full vet workup, including spay, he was initially resistant due to the cost.  I said okay, if you’re not comfortable with it you’re not comfortable with it, and went upstairs to investigate our options.  The Walmart just opened up a “Vet IQ” clinic that does basic veterinary care, and we can utilize a local spay clinic for about $50 per cat, so on that end alone we’d be shelling out less than $300 (there’s always food and litter, of course).

After awhile Marc came up and was like, “I think I was a little hasty, I’m sure we can make it work.” After I told him the anticipated costs he was much more into it, so that’s good.  Hopefully we won’t have any trouble finding a home for them.

Rosie is doing well at feeding time in her crate!  It has not stopped her from being an absolute maniac spaz about food, but there is almost no growling at all while she eats now.  She goes in her crate, Marc covers it up with a towel, and she eats with seemingly less hysterical anxiety.  I’ll call it a tentative win.

Rosie, by the way, loves Bones. Bones can usually take her or leave her, although his tolerance level is much higher when she’s not acting the spaz, although you see moments of affection for her as well.  She greets him with a nice long body rub when they cross paths, and yesterday Marc caught him grooming her head.  It does my heart good.

At the risk of jinxing myself, I’ve been doing much better at bowling for the past few weeks!  I did decently at league on Friday, and when we went for our Sunday practice I had a series of something like 145, 106 and 140.  Considering I was lucky to break 100 a couple months ago I’m feeling very encouraged.

What has worked for me, honestly, is throwing out a lot of convention wisdom.  Marc has always been very patient with me, explaining game theory and approach and all that, but no matter how much I tried to put it all together it just wasn’t working.  And I was really, really trying.

Then, a few weeks ago, I was chatting with someone about Dyscalculia, and did a bit more casual reading about it.  I was reminded that it often causes issues with spatial awareness, something I can absolutely vouch for (I actually suspect it’s part of what’s caused me to have such persistent problems with perspective and anatomy over the years, although that’s a discussion for another time.)

So I started keeping that in mind when we play: I used the techniques that I knew were helpful, but in any aspect where I was supposed to do one thing, but consistently got unexpected and problematic results, I tried to go more by “feel”.

It’s hard to explain why this works, but it has so far.  Basically, I had to throw out the notion of bowling at “angles”, and became more of a straight-shooter, keeping in mind that my ball does have a tendency to hook left.  I got something like 3 or 4 strikes in one game on Friday!

Which is not to say that I’m suddenly a good bowler, because I’m not, but I’m better, which is what I wanted.  What’s annoying is when (admittedly well-meaning) people are like, “Here’s what you’re doing wrong!” and try to teach me about techniques which I already know, but which just don’t work for me.

This happened two weeks ago I think, and I’m sure the lady meant well, but she also was ignoring me when I said multiple fucking times, “I understand, but I have spatial awareness problems, that doesn’t work for me.”

Like, repeating something at me over and over is not going to make it any more true.  I hear what you’re saying, you’re just wrong.

So in other news I finished two more of the Mori Girl Cats, and that dumb little werewolf thing that was strictly for my own amusement.  (Someone was like, “That would make a great t-shirt,” and haha, I’m not fucking falling for that one again.)  I also organized the office / computer area of the Geek Room, we stashed away the last of the convention stuff, and it feels much more clean and open and neat.  A place I actually want to hang out, and not anxiously work while avoiding the pile of shit sitting behind me!

Last night I also installed Sims 3 and treated myself to a handful of expansion and “stuff” packs.  I only had enough time to create one Sim last night, but I already look forward to giving him a cold.

…*cough*...

Unrelated, but I meant to talk about something that happened last Wednesday, when I was out running my Mom around to her appointments and whatnot.

So… for anyone who didn’t follow me on Facebook or my old Tumblr, the short version is that my Mom and I have a very long and complicated history. She was not a very good mother, she is a textbook covert narcissist.  She was an alcoholic for many, many years which caused serious and life-altering problems for me as a teenager and young adult, and after she got sober she transitioned to a prescription drug addiction which further deteriorated our already tenuous and fraught relationship, and landed both her and my stepfather in financial ruin.

About a year and a half ago, to help save them from the road to homelessness, we helped them sell their old house and moved them to Bucks County to live about 10 minutes from us, in a mobile home park.  We helped them get it fixed up, we help with maintenance, running errands, etc.  It’s a very cute little house, and although it took some time I think they see that now, and that their lives are better off.

When they first moved up here my mother was still on prescription drugs, but she very quickly found that it was impossible to find a new doctor to continue prescribing her the same pharmaceutical cocktails she wanted.  And boy did she fucking try. She’s already changed doctors at least three or four times since moving here, whipping out her favorite refrain of “I don’t think this doctor knows what they’re talking about!” every time they’re like, “Yeah, you don’t need to be on a steady stream of opiates.”

Eventually the lack of drugs caught up with her, the withdrawal passed, and for the past year or so she and I have actually gotten along okay.  She is still, and always will be, a difficult person, and I worry about whether or not she’ll find a doctor to start filling prescriptions again, but until then things are… okayish.

Anyway, that’s the long back story.

Back when they were still living at their old house, Marc and I would periodically go to visit them.  My Mom was always drugged out of her gourd, so I fucking hated going, but I had to do my duty, and she made every excuse imagineable for why she couldn’t come visit us.  So once a month we’d pack up, trek over to her house, order take-out, hang out for a while, then go back home again.

Except my Mother would do this thing where, after the food arrived, she would put the plates out, and then she would continue to gather plates and reorganize the kitchen while everyone was sitting down, serving themselves and eating.  

Like, the food would be on the table, we’d all be halfway through our meals and well on our way to being done, and my Mom would still be in the kitchen sorting around in the drawers for a mystery spoon or bowl that she needed, then finding it, washing it out, drying it, realizing it was the wrong one, putting it away, etc.

Eventually she would come out while everyone else was finishing up, serve herself a tablespoon of food, eat half, and then talk about how full she was.

For a while we would be like, “Mom… everyone is eating. We have everything we need. We literally don’t need anything else. Just come in and eat,” and she would ignore us.  Eventually I just stopped caring, and let her do her thing while the rest of us ate.  The sooner we finished the sooner we could leave.

I don’t know how else to describe her behavior apart from manic.  Like, when it was time to order, if I asked her for a menu, she would bring me the menu, and for fifteen minutes after I had called to place the order she would still be rooting through the drawers looking for more / other menus.  She would get herself so worked up that sometimes while we were sitting downstairs hanging out she’d have to go up and be sick.

All this just to give you a sense of what she used to be like.

Anyway.  I’m driving her home from an appointment on Wednesday, and she’s commenting how all of us just naturally turn into their mothers as we get older, even though we don’t want to.  In that I stayed dead silent through this observation I think she recognized that I disagreed.  So then she moved on to how different some daughters are from their mothers, especially in the kitchen.

And she said to me, “Like when I cook, I have to clean as I go along, I can’t just put everything in the sink until later.  Remember when you used to come over to eat, and you’d say to me, ‘Mom, come and eat, the food is ready!’ and I’d be so busy cleaning up that I wouldn’t even realize!”

And I’m like, “....”

Because that’s not what happened.  That’s not even fucking remotely what happened.  So she has spun the reality where she is an out-of-control manic drug addict and spun it into a funny story about how she’s such a neat freak that she doesn’t realize it’s time to eat.

I was sorely tempted to correct her, but at the last second realized it wouldn’t make a difference either way.  She is never going to look back on her behavior with any kind of clarity, and trying to force her to do so would just make the day end on a sour note.  If she wants to live in delusion, that’s on her.  I can tolerate it, but I’m certainly not going to feed into it by saying something like, “Yes, that’s precisely how it happened.”

She’ll have to learn to interpret the silence on her own.

Anyway, I guess that’s it.  Greatly looking forward to getting home and having a nice night on the couch, or maybe playing Sims some more.  I may even make some tea.

I hope all of you are doing well <3

[9and9only]

Personal rant (sorry idk how to cut on mobile app so just scroll on by if you're not interested )

I hate health issues. I've been having intermittent shortness of breath since January, and recently it's been almost constant. At first I tried allergy specialist since I have also noticed it's hard to breathe through my nose a lot so I thought it was allergies. Turns out I do have quite a few allergies, but that was not the cause. The allergy doctor was kind enough to agree to schedule pulmonary function tests for me, since I'd never had them done before. Four weeks for the earliest appointment. (I pretty much suffered almost every day up to the tests.)

Went to urgent care a couple weeks later after the shortness of breath was going on 5 consecutive days. Without testing my lungs, the doctor diagnosed me with "allergies and intermittent asthma," prescribed me an inhaler, and sent me on my way. Inhaler didn't work. I tried my coworker's (who actually does have asthma) and it worked once and right away and for the rest of the evening I did not have to worry about air hunger that is my almost constant companion.

Next day I get an appointment to see another doctor to possibly get the inhaler changed to the brand my coworker has. After much hemming and hawing, the doctor (ironically the same one I'd seen at urgent care the day before) wrote me the prescription to fill at walgreens and also prednisone. I drove straight to Walgreens, periodically feeling dizzy at this point and not capable of more than short sentences.

Inhaler doesn't seem to work. Still having issues. That Friday I went to urgent care again because of air hunger (which is when you feel like you can't get a deep enough breath) and thanks to anxiety--and anger at my stupid fucking lungs--shooting my heart rate up, I was advised to go straight to ER.

Which couldn't do a damn thing for me except a chest x-ray (which came back normal, of COURSE), and a breathing treatment of albuterol and something else. All that did was make me shaky and made my chest feel raw as hell, like I'd fallen on concrete and scraped it but on the inside. Still couldn't breathe. What's more, the ER doctor told me I shouldn't have been diagnosed with asthma without having had my lungs tested! $150 down the drain.

Day of the test comes and of course I can breathe fine. They come back all clear. There is no cause.

Yet here I am, constantly struggling to breathe. I've broken down crying twice tonight. And now a 3rd time as I write this. It's 2:30 am and I can't sleep unless someone physically knocks me unconscious at this point. Goddammit I just want to breathe like a normal fucking person!!

I hate this season of life so so much. I'm stuck living with my dysfunctional toxic parents because of student loans and the shitty housing economy in fucking California, working 2 jobs to try and pay bills off and though I've made progress, I'm going to be stuck with them for at least another year. My father is adamantly against getting therapy for his toxic and self-destructive coping mechanisms. My mom had a stroke 5 years ago and according to the doctors has progressed as far as she is able. So they go out to a chain restaurant multiple times a week and she has multiple alcoholic drinks per time. Dad gets very belligerent when he drinks, and if it's bad by the time they come home, there's yelling and slamming of things and all sorts of godawful drama. He's never hit her, or me (and God help us both if he ever fucking does because I will go apesh*t on his ass) but you're not in control when you are blackout drunk, so uh yeah I just never know. At least once a month he threatens to leave or some other such nonsense. Fun fact, I had to book a hotel one night just last month because it got so bad.

And yet a few times these past couple weeks he's been whining "I hate our relationship, why don't we have a good relationship like we used to" etc etc. Right now, I want nothing to do with either one of them. And I can't escape because it's here or the fucking street. And I constantly feel short of breath. And I stay up til 2am and even later and get up 6 hours later for a mind-numbing 8 hour job and, if I'm working that night, a second 4 hours right after. I'm so exhausted and tired of everything and I can't breathe and no one can do a god damn thing about it. It's very hard to remind myself that God has everything in His control and that this is for a season, but when your life is fucking chaos and you have health problems that can't go away and NO FUCKING POINT TO YOUR LIFE CURRENTLY... I don't know. Right now all I have to look forward to is GallifreyOne in February and fuck me I hope he doesn't cancel on it like he did Edmonton and Dallas (the latter of which was going to be my very first convention and the 2nd time seeing him. I really want to hand him the drawing of him and his dad).

Send me asks. I'm bored and mad and I can't sleep anyway. I wanna go to church tomorrow but primarily so I can get prayer for all this nonsense.

[myheadisinvaded]

On With The Show… chapter 5/and so it begins..

Word count- 2,068 maybe more

Warnings- curse words,drugs,drinking, I don’t know what else to list as always

A/N- feedback is appreciated, thanks for giving me a chance (if you read it) I apologize for it taking me longer than anticipated but life. I’m kinda better now anyways let me know what you think. there will be a playlist for this so far the first song is Heaven by Julia Michaels, On With The Show by Motley Crue, and Fuck Feelings by Olivia O’Brien. I’ll do links later.

Blair’s POV

Show time. We all have a good buzz going, some of us are pretty high but it’s the norm. I watch the boys from the side of the stage, my job is to be their personal assistant, and sometimes a babysitter when they’re off stage and when they’re on and it’s show time, I’m with Doc, learning the backstage part of things. I may not make it big but having this on a resume, it’ll get me a good show biz job. Doc calls me over to him, he’s over by part of the sound system. He tells the sound guys to just show me some things and then he leaves, giving me a knowing look. He doesn’t approve of me partying like the boys and can actually tell when I’ve had my share of some blow that night. He normally won’t say anything though, as long as I do my job, like I said, I’ve got good at functioning.

I pay attention to what their saying and showing me, turn the knobs this way to adjust pitch, they’re labeled. This controls volume, this one controls Tommy’s headset, this section controls some sound effects, it’s labeled too, don’t touch this, it will shut everything off.. Pretty easy and simple, having done tech theater in high school I already had an idea of what it would be like. I took some notes in the little flip notebook I have on me. Once we are done, I walk away to grab a small glass of jack daniels. I take it back with me to the side of the stage where I was watching the boys earlier. Doc comes back this way.

I sip on my drink as he stands beside me, I can feel him looking “How’s it going?’ he asked, leaning down closer to me so I could hear him. I give him a shrug and lean up to talk to him as well “Pretty great..” He nods and looks down at my hand that's holding the whiskey. I take another sip and give him a grin. He chuckles, shaking his head. ‘You’ve changed just a little bit.” I give him another shrug and nod “I guess I have” I hold up my drink and finish it. He nods “Be careful..” He begins and seems to change his mind about whatever he was going to say “I do need you to stay sober enough tonight to help get the guys ready to travel to the next city.” I nod “I’m sober enough.” He looks at me for a minute and just nods, we both stand there for the rest of the show.

The guys run off stage, sweaty, running make up, and pulling of some of their clothes already. I grab a few towels and throw it at them. Nikki, Tommy and Vince are jumping and full of energy, ready to go start partying. Nikki comes over to me and gives me a kiss on the cheek, I pretend to be grossed out “Ewwww you’re so fucking sweaty!” He just laughs, running to grab a bottle of whiskey. Doc and I, mostly Doc, gather them up and get them to shut up for a few minutes. “Alright guys, I know you want to party and have fun but we have to get going, so you can drink and party on the bus all you want but I need you on it in 30” They all groan and mumble, except Mick, knowing it would only give them enough time to make sure all their shit is packed. I laugh softly as I watch them run off. Mick stays behind and Doc immediately runs after them to make sure they don’t try anything stupid. I stay with Mick. “How was tonight back here?” He asks as people around us are beginning to pack up. We pass by ‘Uncle Oz’ drinking what’s left of the alcohol backstage. “It was great, Doc let me shadow the sound guys tonight. I thought about fucking with you guys” I joke and smile. Micks laughs “I would’ve fucked you up, kid.”

An hour later everyone is on the bus, Doc isn't too happy but at least it didn't take as long as it usually does. I’m on the same bus as them, I was in charge of going out and purchasing enough drinks for everyone for the whole ride. I have it all set on the small fold down table, Mick had come along with me so he got an extra 2 bottles of vodka, in addition to the other 2 I bought. Everyone is drinking, doing drugs, Vince has a couple girls in the back room. I see Nikki stand up and go back there with him, I just take some of Mick’s vodka and he looks at me. I can tell he’s trying not to laugh at me so I just flip him off. I don’t want anyone else thinking I have a crush on Nikki, thankfully Tommy is too busy with his new girlfriend for this week that he didn’t see anything.

I’m sitting next to Mick, I see him grimacing so I stand up, “Lay down, old man” I say, holding back a smirk. Now it's him who’s flipping me off. He lays down but leaves room for me to sit with him. He uses one of the pillows to prop himself up some so we can still talk “Have you got over him yet?” I stare at him, giving him the fuck you look I learned from the man himself. He chuckles “Don’t use that against me, you know I’m just fucking with you” Slowly I start to smile. I just roll my eyes as I take another drink of vodka. He sighs, closing his eyes and crossing his arms vampire style, as per usual. “You will, sooner or later.” I look over at him as I leaned against his legs, I just nod and finish the bottle of vodka, I’d done some lines earlier with Vince and Nikki, the vodka should hold me over for now. Doc probably wants me sober later. I guess I’ll sleep. I get comfortable on Mick’s legs, the room is occupied and the bunks are way too close to it but I don’t want to think about that right now.

Nikki’s POV

Vinney and I have been doing lines off of these groupies and fucking them. I’m super fucked up and just having fun like always. It’s not a fivesome, he gets the bed and I got stuck on the couch, I'm making it work though. Sometime during the night I pass out. Some naked girl on top of me, I wake up hours later with the sun in my face, it’s hot and stuffy in the room. I look over and see Vince with two girls on either side of him, all three passed out. I look back at where I am and huff, pushing the girl off of me as I stand up, stretching and pulling my pants back on, I almost never wear underwear. Too many layers.

I grab a bottle of jack daniels that is sitting on the nightstand and head out of the stuffy room. I pass the bunk beds and only see Tommy and his girl. Mick? Blair? Where are they, what time is it? I check the time on the clock above the curtain that leads out of the bunks, 06:39. Morning? Ugh. I walk out into the rest of the tour bus and see them, Mick sleeping on the couch with Blair’s head resting on part of his leg. She had to have passed out there, cause there’s clearly an available couch on the other side.

I watch her for a second and feel a small twinge of jealousy, they’re super close and I don’t know why. Sometimes it’s weird because he acts like her dad or something and other times she’s just one of us, one of the guys. Not to me… I want to see her as something more. Sometimes. I don’t know… I keep watching her. I just don’t know… it’s this constant inner debate, do I just want to fuck or do I actually have feelings for her. It’s the only reason I’m having sex less, a guy can’t stop but I did slow down on it a little.

“Quit staring at me you creep” She is waking up and stretching. I look away and laugh some, hiding behind my hair “I wasn’t staring, I was just uhh.. Thinking.” I look back at her and she gives me a skeptical look “You? Thinking. Really Sixx?’ My jaw drops “Bitch.” She shrugs, “You can’t tell me I’m not right… It’s not like you use your brain very often.” she’s right. Damn I like it when she’s like this. I watch her walk over to the mini fridge we have. She pulls out some wine and orange juice. She turns to look at me and holds them up. I nod and grab two glasses. “A nice morning drink” she smiles, pouring some of each into each glass. “What is this again?” She shrugs “I dunno, my mom would drink it all the time”

We’ve almost gone through the entire wine bottle by now, just sipping and talking. It’s only like 7 in the morning now so it’s gonna be a while until everyone begins waking up. “Have you been having fun?’ She looks at me, it seems like she's trying to figure out how to answer, I notice her eyes go to the back of the bus and she just nods “Yeah, it’s been great, I’ve been learning a lot from everyone.” She smiles this time and looks at me. “How ‘bout you? Did you have fun last night?” She nods over towards the back, I get what she’s talking about. I shrug as I pour some more blow on the table for us. “I guess so, just another groupie.” I see a flash of something in her eyes, what did I say? I do a line and she does hers. “Don’t you ever get tired of it?” her voice is soft, softer than usual. “Tired of what?” She’s looking at me now, right at me and I can’t look away. “Tired of not having someone, tired of it being just groupies.” it feels like she’s staring into my soul, I don’t know how to answer that. Of course I do. It is tiring being surrounded by so many people, friends but then at the end of the day I still feel alone.

“I do get tired of it sometimes” I watch her face, she just looks away and nods. “Sometimes I do want to have that someone ya know..” I continue and she looks back up at me. This is my chance. I don’t even know if I should take it. Should I try to be a relationship kind of guy. “It sucks feeling lonely but it sucks more when you like someone and you don’t know if they like you back” She starts laughing “What?” my voice definitely a little defensive. She shakes her head “Nothing, it just sounds like something a second grader would say.” She stops laughing but is holding it back. I look at her and we bust out laughing  “You’re right, yeah” I nod as we laugh. She stops again “But yeah, I totally get it”

I kiss her. It catches her off guard, this time she almost immediately starts kissing back. My hands rest on her hips and hers are on my chest. I can taste the orange juice and alcohol, it feels nice, nicer than most. It’s not sloppy, rushed or with a stranger. I pull back, an idiotic smile on my face. She’s smiling too. This time when I look into her eyes I get this weird nervous feeling in my stomach. It’s happened before, with her. We both stay quiet and the bus comes to a stop.

“Pit stop. There’s a Denny’s” The driver calls out to us. I stand up, offer my hand to her and she takes it. I don’t let go of it, not while walking to the door, not after I helped her off, not even when sit down. It’s a warm feeling, this us time. No one else woke up, it’s just us right now. Damn I really feel like Tommy now.

This is only the beginning. What they are feeling right now, they’ve craved before, they’ll continue chasing it.

Tag List: @triplehaitches @flizaa @fandomshit6000 @prettysureimgayxo or @lovesick-heart0 @tarahell @shamelessobsessions @miss-ncthing @sighsophiia @anxious-diabetic let me know if you want to be tagged! Thank you!

[xuxibelle]

Dance Lessons

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Word count: 4,038

Warnings: Fluff

Requested: No, I wrote this for @gottaletgopete’s Valentine’s Day Celebration with secret valentines. Happy Valentines Day @softscottlang (There will be a part 2 just so you know)

Summary: Y/N has a 6 year old son from a previous relationship, which makes it very difficult to date. What happens when she finds out that her little boy wants to take dance lessons?

You sighed as you walked up the sidewalk to your apartment after a long day at work. It was a rough day with your boss yelling at you and some co-workers dumping extra work on you, but you were glad to be home because you knew you were about to see the love of your life, your little boy, Aiden. Sure you got the rude looks from the older ladies sometimes when they asked about the father and you told them you weren’t married and he wasn’t in the picture, but hey… it wasn’t their life, am I right? And why would you want to be with someone that didn’t want to be with you or your beautiful son anyway? You smiled as you made your way up the flight of stairs and unlocked the door. Walking in your apartment, you heard classical music playing and it confused you. You didn’t see the babysitter or Aiden, so you sit your purse on the table and hang your jacket up before you walk towards the music quietly. As you creep up on Aiden’s bedroom the music gets louder and you can see the door standing slightly open. You peek your head round the corner to see your babysitter, Anna, sitting in a chair by the door with her back to you and Aiden out in the middle of the floor dancing, well trying to. You cover your mouth to stifle a giggle so you can watch as long as you can before he sees you. You manage to stay hidden a couple minutes before he sees you on one of his spins.

“Mommy!” he shouts as he runs to the door throwing it open to wrap his arms around your legs.

“Hi Bub! You looked like you were having fun! What were you doing?” you asked him as you crouched down to his level.

“Miss Anna was helping me dance,” he said as a small blush crept on his cheeks.

“You like dancing?” you ask him as he nods furiously. “That’s great, Bub! It’s fun, huh?” He nods his head again with a big smile.

“Miss Anna said there are classes I could take to help me get better!” he told you excitedly.

“Oh really? Is that something you think you’d really want to do?” you ask him. You watch his eyes go wide with excitement and a smile creep across his face.

“Oh yea! More than anything! More than going to Disney World!” he tells you as he laughs making you laugh with him.

“Well, I’ll see what I can do about it, Bub. How about we let Miss Anna go home and we can go get something to eat, yea?” you tell him as he nods before he runs over to hug Anna.

“Thank you, Miss Anna. That was so much fun,” he tells her as he hugs her neck.

“I had fun helping you too, Aiden. We’ll try some more tomorrow, yea?” Anna tells him before she leaves. You lead Aiden into the kitchen and he helps you fix a quick dinner before you sit at the table and eat. You let him play for a couple hours while you clean and do a few things around the apartment before it’s time for bed.

“Okay, Bub, it’s time for bed,” you tell him as you walk into his room to see him already in his pajamas. “Did you brush your teeth?”

“Yes ma’am,” he smiles at you as he climbs into his bed.

“Good boy,” you smile back before you press a kiss to his forehead. “Sleep well, baby. I’ll see you in the morning. I love you.” You walk backwards towards the door as you speak.

“I love you too Mommy,” he tells you before you flip the light switch off and close his door. You walk back into the living room and pull out your laptop to research dance classes in your area. You find tons for kids 8 and above and for adults, not so many for 6 and under. Then as you were scrolling, one caught your eye.

“Child’s Dance Class (ages 5-6) June 1-August 16. Two Instructors, 1 Male/1 Female - Both have Broadway experience. $25 registration fee/$25 per week - $300 total. Dancewear included. Text or email for more information.”

Out of all the classes you had seen for Aiden’s age group, you thought this had to be the best one. You sent a text to the number in the ad and got a reply soon later from a very nice woman named Sarah.

Sarah: Hi, Y/N! We would love for Aiden to join us in our upcoming class! As you know we start in a few days and I do want to let you know that so far we haven’t had any other boys sign up yet, but it’s no big deal! Aiden will love it here, I’m sure! If you want to bring him by tomorrow, you can.

Y/N: That would be lovely! I know he’s going to be excited when I tell him. I didn’t even know he wanted to dance. I just came home from work today and found the babysitter teaching him and he told me she had mentioned classes and he just got so excited when he talked about it.

Sarah: Oh that’s wonderful! He’s going to fit in here so well! I just know it! I look forward to seeing you tomorrow!

You couldn’t wait for Aiden to wake up, now you were excited. You texted Anna to let her know about the class and to ask her to bring Aiden there to meet you.

Anna: That’s amazing! I’m so glad you found one you think he’ll like! Absolutely! I would love to bring him to the school! We’ll meet you there!

You smiled to yourself as you thought about the scene you walked in on when you came home and how happy Aiden looked. You busied yourself around the apartment until you got tired and made yourself lie down. The next day you were buzzing. No one told Aiden anything, not even when Anna put him in the car to bring him to meet you. Once she was parked, she helped him out and he saw you standing on the sidewalk.

“Mommy!” he said as he ran over and jumped in your arms. You caught him and held him in a hug. “What are you doing here? I thought you had to work.”

“I do, Bub, but I have someone I want you to meet, so while I was on my lunch, I came to introduce you,” you smile at him before you set him back on the ground. He takes your hand in his and you all walk into the school. He didn’t notice where he was until you walked inside and he saw the pictures on the wall.

“Mommy… where are we,” Aiden asked you with big eyes.

“We are at a dance school, Baby,” you smile down at him. You see his eyes start to water as he smiles.”Don’t cry, honey,” you tell him.

“I’m gonna dance?” he asks you.

“Yea, Bub, You are,” you tell him. “Let’s go meet Mommy’s friend.” You lead him to the office on the right and knock on the door.

“Come in,” a woman’s voice calls out. You open the door and you all walk in.

“Hi, I’m Y/N Y/L/N. We spoke last night. This is Aiden,” you say as you motion to your son as he hides his head behind you making you laugh before you pull him in front of you.

“Well, Hello Aiden! My name is Sarah. Your mommy tells me that you want to dance. Is that right?” Sarah asks him as he nods his head furiously and she laughs. “Well that’s a very good thing because we have a class starting in 2 days for kids just like you! Would you like to come to that?”

“Oh, yes. Please,” he says as he looks from Sarah to you.

“Why don’t you all have a seat and I can go over things with you,” Sarah tells you. Half an hour later, Aiden is signed up for the class and he’s walking out of the school with a huge smile on his face. He didn’t like it when Sarah told him no other boys were signed up yet, but he was okay when she told him the other teacher was a boy. When you were outside and getting ready to leave, he hugged you in a death grip.

“What’s wrong, Baby?” you asked him worriedly.

“Nothing Mommy. You’re just the best Mommy in the world,” he tells you before he kisses your cheek. “And I love you.”

“I love you too, Bub,” you tell him kissing his cheek too. “Now be good for Miss Anna, ok? Mommy will be home soon.” You sigh as you watch them leave before you go back to work.

“Y/N!” you heard Sarah shout from the door as she and a guy with brown curls jogged over. “Aw, shoot! I was hoping I would catch Aiden before he left. That’s okay. He can meet him at class. This is Tom, the other instructor I was telling you about. This is Aiden’s Mom.” Tom reached out his hand and you shook it.

“Nice to meet you. Aiden is so excited for this class. You have no idea,” you tell him with a smile as you meet his chocolate eyes.

“Nice to meet you too. I’m glad to hear it. I was hoping we would get at least one boy,” he smiles back at you. Dear Lord, did he have to be British too? That was just too much.

“I was telling Sarah, I literally just found out about his interest yesterday. I came home from work, heard music, and found the babysitter teaching him. He told me she had mentioned classes and his eyes got so bright and excited, I couldn’t say no,” you explained.

“I can understand that,” he laughs. “It’s hard to say no sometimes, especially to someone you love so much.” You nod your head in agreeance. “I don’t want to keep you. I just wanted to say hello.”

“Thank you both again,” you smile before you walk to your car and go back to work. “Holy crap,” you think to yourself once you get in your car and drive away. “If that was my dance teacher, I would have paid attention in school. Where do I sign up?” you thought again. Two days later it was Saturday morning and you were getting ready to take Aiden to his first class. “You almost ready, Bub?” you call to him as you walk down the hall towards his room. You find him sitting on his bed with his head hanging down. “Hey… what’s wrong?” You ask as you kneel in front of him.

“What if they don’t like me?” he says quietly.

“Honey, there’s no way they won’t like you,” you tell him.

“But Miss Sarah said I was the only boy. They’re gonna tease me,” he tells you.

“Well, if they do, you just ignore them. The best way to deal with a bully is to be nice to them, unless they hit you, then you tell someone, okay?” you tell him as you rub his head.

“Okay,” he says quietly.

“You’re just nervous, sweetheart. I promise, you’re gonna love it. I met your other teacher, the boy one. He’s really nice. You’re gonna like him. He’ll stick with you,” you smile at him.

“Oh yea!” he smiles up at you. “I forgot about him.” You both head out of the apartment as you make your way to get a quick bite to eat on the way to his class. You notice you’re one of the first few to arrive when you walk in.

“Okay, Bub, go put your bag in your locker right there and take a spot on the floor like the others. I’m gonna go let Miss Sarah know we’re here, then I’ll be sitting right there,” you tell him before you kiss his forehead and he runs off. You walk over to where Sarah is standing and start talking to her. Tom is standing near the lockers as he sees Aiden run up and put his bag in one.

“You must be Aiden,” he says as he crouches down next to him. Aiden smiles at him after he sits his bag down.

“I am! Are you my other teacher?” he asks excitedly.

“I am! My name is Tom,” Tom tells him as he holds his hand out for him to shake. Aiden grips his hand and shakes it like you showed him to do when someone holds their hand out. “That’s quite a grip you got there, Bud. You ready for class?”

“Very much!” Aiden says as he bounces on his feet.

“Great! Why don’t you go take a seat on the mat. We’re gonna get started in just a minute,” Tom smiles at him. He could feel his heart swell as he watched Aiden bounce off towards the mat. He could tell there was something special about Aiden and that he was going to love having him in this class. When he was walking by the class to get to where Sarah was, he hear the girls whispering.

“Why is HE here?”

“He’s the only boy”

“Is he supposed to be in THIS class?”

“That’s SO weird?”

“Its creepy”

He glanced over at Aiden and saw his sad eyes looking at the mat, definitely not the boy he just saw leaving the lockers.

“Girls,” he said as he knelt down in front of them. “I know we’re not making fun of someone in this class are we?” He asked them with a raised eyebrow.

“We were just wondering why he’s the only boy in the class?” one girl spoke up.

“Yea, is he supposed to be here?” another chimed in after her.

“Yes, as a matter of fact he is. Yes, he is the only boy, but that does not matter. Why should it matter if you are a boy or a girl? If you want to dance, then you should dance, right?” Tom tells them. They look at each other then back at Tom before they nod their heads. “Aiden, come here for a second.” Aiden stands up and slowly walks over to him. Tom wraps his arm around him and pulls the boy to his side. “Girls, this is my friend, Aiden. Now, In this class we don’t pay attention to whether someone is a boy or a girl. We just dance and have fun,” Tom tells them.

“Wait… you’re the teacher??” one of the girls asks.

“No way.” another one pipes up.

“How is that possible,” yet another one questions.

“Well, I went to dance school. I practiced. I worked hard. I treated everyone nice no matter who they were. I went to Broadway for awhile, and now I’m here,” he tells them as they look at him with wide eyes making him laugh. “Okay, you girls stay here. We’ll start in a minute. Aiden, would you walk over here for a minute, please?” Aiden followed Tom out of earshot of the girls. You noticed when Tom knelt down in front of the girls, that’s when you started watching. You moved a little closer without being noticed by either of them, so you could hear. Tom sat against the wall as Aiden sat in front of him. “Aiden, I know you’re the only boy in the class, but I don’t want you to think of it like that. I’m here too. Always remember I’m here, okay?” Tom tells him as he sees Aiden smile up at him. “I know it can be hard doing what you love. It was hard for me too. The same things happened to me. Girls would pick on me when I went to my classes too. Just ignore them. If they feel like they need to say something, they’re just insecure and need something to make someone else feel bad to make themselves feel better and it’s not right. So you just have to ignore that and focus on what you love. Focus on the dancing, on the music. Can you do that?” Tom asks him. Aiden looks up at him with hopeful eyes.

“Yea,” he says with a smile. “I can do that.”

“Good! That’s my boy. If you ever want to talk about anything, you can always come to me, okay?” Tom tells him. Aiden nods his head. “Now, let’s go get this class started,” Tom says before he gets up and walks to the middle of the room to meet Sarah. You had to wipe your eyes before the tear rolled down your cheeks. That was the sweetest thing you had ever heard anyone tell your little boy, especially someone he had just met. After that little talk, the first two classes went off without a hitch. You only got to sit in on the two weekend classes because of work. There were four classes a week: 2 during the week and 2 on the weekend. Anna took him during the week and you on the weekend. You were surprised at how good he was getting so fast. It was the next weeked, and you were sitting against the wall with a few other parents. The one to your left, Jenn, you had met last week and thought you would probably become good friends. She nudged your arm.

“Yea, what’s up?” you whisper as you lean over towards her.

“What’s up with you two?” Jenn asks.

“Us two, who?” you look at her with a confused look on your face.

“You and the teacher…” she says with raised brows as she throws her eyes towards Tom. “He keeps looking over at you.”

“He does not…” you scoff at her. “Does he?”

“Well, uhhh… he’s not looking at me cause 1 - I’m married, 2 - I look like a bum,” she quietly laughs. You feel your face flush as you glance at him and catch him looking. He smiles at you before he looks away. “See…”

“There’s nothing going on,” you tell her as she gives you a look that tells you she doesn’t believe you. “I’m serious. I’ve met him once, a couple days before class started. Haven’t even talked to him since then.”

“Well, you should. Cause he wants to talk to you,” she tells you as she wiggles her eyebrows. You slap her arm as you laugh.

“Oh shut up,” you laugh and cover your face. The next day after class, most of the parents had already left but you were still waiting on Aiden to come back when Tom walked over and took a seat beside you.

“Hi,” he says with a smile.

“Hi,” you say back.

“I just wanted to tell you how much I love having Aiden in this class,” he tells you.

“Really? Is he doing okay?” you ask.

“Oh absolutely! He’s getting so good, so fast. It’s incredible,” he smiles at you.

“Good, I’m glad. He was so excited about doing this. It’s all he talks about anymore. And he loves you,” you tell him.

“Well, the feeling is mutual. He’s a special little boy,” Tom tells you with a look of happiness in his eye that makes your heart swell.

“Yea, he is. You don’t realize how much so,” you chuckle.

“How do you mean?” Tom asks as his brow furrowed in confusion.

“He… I almost lost him… and myself actually. He’s my little miracle,” you confess with a tear in your eye.

“And his dad…?” Tom asks cautiously.

“Nowhere to be seen. He left us after he found out I was pregnant,” you tell him.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean to pry,” he tells you.

“No, it’s ok. No harm done. I’m sure you just want to understand Aiden better,” you smile at him as he nods.

“Yea, yea… That… And you,” he tells you as he looks up at you slowly to meet your wide eyes.

“M-me?” you stutter making him laugh. “Why me?”

“Because I knew from the minute I saw you that you were different. Then when I met Aiden, I knew from how special he was, that just confirmed it,” he tells you as you bite your lip. “Would you let me take you out? Like on a date? First one just me and you, then if it goes well, second one all three of us?” You feel your breath hitch in your throat as he speaks. No one has ever been this nice to you since Aiden was born. Now here Tom was, being this perfect guy wanting to take you AND your son out… You nod your head.

“Yea, I’d like that,” you smile at him as you feel your face slightly flush. You look around the room and notice everyone else had left already. “Where’s Aiden?”

“I might have asked him to sit at the lockers until he saw me motion for him to come over,” Tom tells you as he scrunches his face. You put your face in your hands as you feel your face go red.

“Does he know?” you ask.

“No, I just told him I needed to talk to you. I didn’t say what about,” Tom tells you.

“Thank you. I just don’t like getting his hopes up, you know, cause I know how much he loves you. Not that I think things are gonna go badly, yea I’m gonna shut up now,” you ramble as you look for Aiden but can’t see him. Tom reaches up and lays his palm against your cheek turning your face back to his.

“Breathe,” he tells you softly before he presses his lips to yours as your eyes widen at the action. Your body stiffens as you feel his hand slip from your face to the back of your neck. Feeling his lips move against yours, you begin to let your body relax and move your lips against his. Placing your hands on his chest, you run one hand up into his dark brown curls, threading your fingers through the waves and pulling him closer. He smiles against your lips when he hears you let out a small whimper. He bites your bottom lip and tugs it gently as he pulls back from the kiss, pressing his forehead to yours and meeting your eyes.

“Wow,” you breathe out.

“God, you’re gorgeous,” he whispers against your lips making you bite yours.

“No,” you laugh. “I think that would be you, teach.” He gives you a crooked smile before he sits back and calls for Aiden. You see him running over and your face lights up.

“Hey Bub! Ready to go?” you ask him as he nods furiously.

“Yea, but can he come with us?” Aiden asks. You stutter over some words before you catch the right ones.

“O-oh… I-i… U-uhm… I don’t know Aiden. I think he has to go home,” you tell your little boy as he pouts.

“Can’t he come to dinner with us?” he looks up at you with puppy dog eyes.

“Aiden,” you warn.

“I can… If you want,” Tom offers as your eyes shoot up to his.

“No it’s okay. I’m sure you’re busy with things here,” you tell him before he shakes his head.

“No, actually everything’s done for the day. I was heading home for dinner myself,” he smiles at you. “How about it, Bub?” Tom says as he holds one hand out to Aiden and the other out to you. Aiden jumps up quickly and takes Tom’s hand.

“Come on Mommy! Let’s go!” Aiden bounces on his feet as he waits for you to take Tom’s other hand. You take his hand hesitantly as you stand up.

“I guess we’re starting with the second date,” you whisper making Tom chuckle as you walk out the door.

“Fine by me, love,” he winks at you. As you three made you way down the sidewalk hand in hand, you hoped this was the beginning to a beautiful relationship for all of you.

@nerdraging4point0 /  @sleepwalkingdragon  /  @sunshine112  /  @summernykole  /  @empressdreams / @justasmisunderstoodasloki / @bisexual-sk8r /

[kat09me]

Life of a single mom.

My story begins when I was just 18,…

I am the youngest daughter of four daughters, yet I am the one who is really independent and wanted to have a job and live on my own.

I remember when I was in high school i argued with my teacher in Values Education Subject regarding how the western people live compare to us Filipino people. Because the way most Filipino lives, even if they have their own jobs and family we still live with our parents’ house “extended family living”. It’s not that I don’t want to live with my parents, but I feel like i am more successful when I live my own, have a carrier and can buy things out of my own pocket.

So when I turned 17, my parents asked me to quit college because they’re unable to pay for my tuition. Nor have enough funds for travelling back and forth from our house to school, vice versa ‘cause by the way I live from a different city which is 40 minutes to an hour away from school.

When I turned 18, I was really eager to work so I can help my family. Then, there was this open position in a small beauty store. I applied and was able to get hired as an assistant secretary. I was happy and proud even if my pay that time is only fifty pesos per day ($1 USD). Each day my father would come and visit me at the store and sit in front of my table smiling. He looks so proud of me. Cause even if I am unable to finish my college he can see that I am happy and contented with what I have.

But things changed. A year after i worked there, my father past away due to Heart Enlargement. My heart was really broken and my life changed. I quit working because each time i go to work I remember each day he visits me at work and smile at me. It’s like i can still see him in front of me smiling and my tears just wont go away. Then a friend of my father offered me a good deal. He asked me if I would like to pursue my college. And I was thinking, I am still in first year college and first semester when i quit. It would take me a long time before I can get a job help my family and have my own place. So I have decided to take to take a short cut. I took up a vocational or just a training course for a call center training. I took it for only a month. I was happy and feel ready to take a step in applying. But unfortunately some of the call centers I applied for they require at least 72 units subject taken in college which means i should have taken up to 2 years in college. I was discouraged. I begin to go out all night, come home the next day being drunk, sleep all day and go out at night. That was my daily routine for a year. I was really devastated that the only man I really love and the only person that really makes me special left me. (It was a sudden heart attack and he was in the mountains when it happened.) I keep drinking, hang out with friends and my mom and I always had a fight because of what I am doing with my life.

But after a year, I started to feel tired in going out. I began to realize that i needed to get a job and get my goal. I then made a decision to go to my eldest sister place in Manila and work there. I worked as a sales representative for a huge clothing line in a mall. But it didn’t work out for me for some reason. So I quit and went back home. Then worked as a secretary for a water refilling station for more than a year, then quit and tried my luck in call center industry this time. I was very happy I got hired. It was a sales account and I was able to pass the interview. I worked in that call center in my city for like a year. Then got an opportunity offered in a bigger city from a friend of mine. I took advantage of it but it didn’t work out, i met someone in Bacolod and he helped me in applying to a bigger Call center in that city.

So there it is, I worked there for almost two years. But I keep coming back home and visit my mom twice a month. Even if it will take me 4-5 hours bus ride. Then I met the love of my life. I was really happy and feel so ready to settle down and have kids. (Even if i was told by the doctor when I was nineteen that i won’t get pregnant because I have problem with my uterus).

We were so in love and I even told myself that he will be the one I am going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. So I have decided to quit my job and move back home since he is from my home town. I started working in another call center in a neighbouring city where I studied high school and college. But I keep getting sick and the decided to quit and find opportunities in my home town. My boyfriend and I were living together for a year when my mom noticed something. My hips are getting bigger, I started craving some foods. Specially apple-mango. That was the time we realized I was 3 months pregnant. We were so stress because that time i don’t have job, my boyfriend doesn’t have job either. We were so contented with what we had and were not even ready of having a child.

But then I wanted to keep it. I was twenty five then and I know I am emotionally ready to become a mother, even if I am not financially ready. We decided to keep our baby.

Our daughter was born September 11, 2012. I started working again in a call center in our home town when our daughter was just four months old. We were so happy together, contented with what we had. I started working at home when our daughter turned nine months old. But when our baby turned two years old, it seems that everything changed. We always had a fight, to the extend he would hurt me physically and mentally. Even if we had fights years ago,.. those fights we had were not that physical. But things changed this time. It’s like almost every day we have fight. He even just sleep downstairs of the apartment where we rented out because we want to have a family of our own. Live life of our own as a family. But then everything seems hell each day. December of 2015, after his birthday. When we had a very huge fight and we called it quits.

Me and daughter lived in the same apartment after he left for like a year or two. When my mom wanted me to move back in with them so it’ll be easier for her to watch over my daughter. And so I moved back in. Things are really tough being a single mother. You pay your own bills, take care of my baby’s needs, cook for the both of us, feed her, work for the both of us. I was really used of having her father with us cause even though he was not working, he can just look after our baby and cook for us even if we eat pretty late because he was too lousy and just laying down all the time.

I know I had to be strong for us to survive. Luckily I had jobs that was able to cover our expenses and can let me but things that we need for the both of us. My daughter is in a private school, I was able to give her a good education and helped my family at the same time.

I was happy and felt contented with our lives. Fast forward 2019 of February, I was able to start a small business while I was working.

But tragedy happened, due to the fact that it is really expensive to get a franchise for a rental van here in our country, I was not able to get a franchise but my rental van is already is business. It happened when my driver got caught near the airport and my van got impounded. I was really short of funds because I have no savings at all, since I paid it to serve as a down payment for my van. I was running errands from one city to another city, from island to another island trying to process the release of my van and I was not able to work because I kept on travelling and I had to make loans and more loans. 2 months pass, I found a job where I thought I could earn more because I managed a team of agents working at home for a credit repair company based in the US. At first it was all good. Seems everything was working fine. They paid our first week of work that was included in the cut off pay. But when the next invoice was sent to them, they told us that there funds has been frozen from the bank due to sending funds here in the Philippines. And they promised that after a week it’ll be released, they just need to send some documents to prove that they employed us outsourcely.

We’ve been waiting for six weeks, no pay at all. And they decided to cut as off. They said that they will have to settle those three invoices for six weeks of work we sent them before we continue working. But then days and weeks pass, they didn’t pay us. All of the teams working for them were not paid. And bills keeps filling up, loan sharks have been in our doorsteps almost every day and still nothing. I have been crying almost every day because the person that I owed money from posted me on social media to defame me.

I even thought that if killing myself would make everything silent cause I think my insurance would be enough to cover for my loans, then I’ll do it. But I just can’t afford to leave my daughter. She’s the reason why i work hard, she’s the reason why i am contented not having someone in my life, she’s the reason why all these years I have survived.

So instead of crying and crying, i opened my bible and read;

October 11, 2019, I ready Colossians 3:1-25. What catches my attention was really the first part.

Colossians 3:1-3 ”If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.”

I began to realize that I was too busy with getting my goal. Looking at those earthly things that I wanted to have for me and my child. For me to help my family. And I forgot to even thank Him each day, asked for His guidance and even pray.

Life is full of trials, it doesn’t matter if your single, married, single parent, or divorced. But it is up to us on how we handle those things that tried to pull us down. I know I am in the midst of trouble now, but i know He is by my side throughout this situation…

God has prepared a price after this dark and rough road I am now,…

[faean]

Adamance of a Dragon

Collaborator: @i-am-here-with-fanfic.

Rating: T+; Language and Mild “Sexual” Content

Word Length: 1,863

Chapter 5- The Night(s) Before … And Day(s)

           “Jesus fucking Noah Aaron, do you have to knock so loud? And why’re you here so bleedin’ early,” I yawned, stepping aside to let Aaron enter my house. “Ugh, I’m regretting taking the exam now. It’s been a week and I’m still recovering. I can’t believe I let the principal talk me into it after getting in on recommendations … then again, I never took the recommendation exam.”

           He was out of breath, clearing having rushed over to my place. He certainly is excited about the exam results; which is made more evident by the lion’s mane of hair he sported, having forgone styling…

           Huh. Disheveled lion’s mane. Two large bangs framing his face. Striking blue eyes. Aaron looked like the perfect union between Aria and that skeleton man. And, if that skeleton man and All Might were … ah, fuck it. I don’t wanna think too much right now. My migraine is still terrible.

           “Well, you shouldn’t have unsealed your Prudentia form so soon after the exam. And it’s noon! Besides, I want to know our scores! I really hope I got into the general course, even though you and mom talked me into applying for the hero course as well.”

           We sat on the couch as I grabbed my letter from the coffee table. Per Aria’s request, I was tested as any other student would have been, being graded and everything, despite my recommendations from the States. If it were not for the days spent filling out paper work, I would think I actually had to take the exam. At least now I get my provisional license back, albeit with some added restrictions.

           “All right, on the count of three, Aaron.”

           “One.” Aaron and I held our letters in our hands, him sitting on the edge of his seat. “Two.” We began to tug on the envelope, excitement fueling our every action. “Three!”

           In two swift moves, we tore open our envelopes, two metal disks slipping out and onto the table in front of us. The disk projected a hologram of none other than All Might. Apparently, he’ll be teaching at U.A. from now on. Admittedly, we were hoping there would be some sort of sync up until it got to our scores, but it would seem that each video was fairly personalized.

           To summarize, Aaron and I were both accepted into U.A. Aaron got a total of 47 points, 23 villain, 24 hero. This would have almost qualified him for the hero course, if not for his current skill level with his quirk and his low scoring on the written exam (he’s prone to anxiety). Thankfully, having also applied to the general course, he was placed in the high end of class 1-C; which he was incredibly grateful for.

           I was already in the hero course, and the exam ranked me third, having tied with another student who got into the hero course. I believe her name was Uraraka? I think that’s her family name and the one I’m supposed to refer to.

           “Oh! How did unsealing your Prudentia form go? Your legs don’t seem damaged.”

           “It went well. I’m now able to use air and earth magic without repercussions to my body by channeling it properly. Although, it gives me such a migraine. And I can’t hold my form for more than an hour, otherwise it starts breaking my body down again. Excessive magic use shortens my time, too.”

           “Is that why your speech is slurred and you’re using contractions?”

           I nod, leaning back into the plush cushions of the couch. We spent some time just talking about our expectations of the school, as well as some of the rules we have to follow. I haven’t been in an actual class in a few years and having to wear a uniform is rather annoying. Fortunately, Aaron did some research over the week (he read the paper letter in the envelope) and he schooled me.

           I should also mention that I told him that pun and it earned me a punch to the shoulder.

           “In any case, you rushed over the moment you woke up, didn’t you? I bet you got the mail when mum was still at work and didn’t tell her yesterday. C’mon, let’s make some lunch, then head out to the mall later. We need supplies for school, and maybe a few extra clothing items.”

           With that said, I made a zucchini casserole for us to share as we continued to plan out our day. Aside from the mall, I need to head to the market to pick up groceries, Aaron and I need our uniforms, and we want to visit mum at work.

           After washing the dishes, downing about … 17 cups of espresso, and taking stock of what I need from the market, I went to go change, too tired to use my magic to shift my clothing.

           From across the house, Aaron began to talk about his ice-skating try-outs tomorrow. “Hey, Faian, do you think you could take me to the ice rink tomorrow? Try-outs are in the afternoon and I don’t want to bother mom while she’s at work.”

           Shouting from my room, as Aaron lacked my enhanced senses, I let him know that I would. After all, I need to take some leisure time lest I wish to miss the first day of school. Perhaps Todoroki would like to hang out, or I could meet up with some of the people I met during the exam. Whichever option I chose, I would undoubtedly require some support, evident by my donning of several compression bands and my glasses.

           With both Aaron and I ready to head out, neither of us bothering to fix our hair, we made our way to the garage.

           “Gods, there are a lot of people.”

           That was the first thing to leave my mouth after I drove us to the mall (after stopping at Aaron’s so he could pick up his wallet). In fact, Aaron was nervous about us getting separated and asked if I could unseal my tail to wrap around him; which I agreed to do. We wandered around for a bit, window shopping and trying to find a place where we could get clothes.

           We did have an accident, though. We passed by a place that had a load of All Might merch. Aaron had entered, hoping to get something for Aria, but quickly returned empty handed.

           His face the same color as his hair, he wrapped my tail around himself rather tightly. His voice was shaky when he demanded, “Do NOT let me go again. I didn’t realize that was an adult shop…”

           With a small chuckle, I replied. “Well, considering the shop is called ‘Hero’s Fantasy’, you probably should have known better.”

           “At least you aren’t slurring anymore. Anyway, let’s continue. There’s a map over there that we can look at, just … there were so many molds of-”

           “Moving on!”

           Continuing on our merry way, we found a pants store. I enjoyed the selection available, settling on several pairs of blue jeans after trying them, and listening to Aaron make jabs at me for choosing form-fitting jeans. Unfortunately, I could not make any retorts without incriminating myself.

           Spending the next few hours exploring and buying supplies, and stopping for some smoothies, we decided to call it a day; however, as we made our way to the parking lot, we got caught up in a villain attack. It was small scale; the villain having robbed a shop from the mall. Security was struggling to keep them contained and maintain the perimeter. With merely a glance, Aaron and I sprung into action (after storing our stuff in the car).

           Aaron aided security in the attempt to keep people from getting hurt. He placed his needles around the scene so police tape could be set up. I unsealed my Prudentia form, wanting to get more practice with it (it was also the only thing my quirk could sustain at the moment).

           Fortunately, from what I could gather, the villain had a simple augmenting quirk that boosted their strength and speed; the perfect combination for me to practice against.

           My body changing with each step I took; I began to resemble what most would call a Greek figure. I stood about 2 meters tall, my silver hair extending past my waist, a pattern of auburn dreadlocks and various flora adorning it. Wearing a Greek fustanella, knee high gladiator sandals, and bronze vambraces, my look was complete with a literal lightning bolt etched across my bare chest. Well, there was also the fact that my left eye was composed of a lightning storm while my right eye looked like a forest with mountains in the background (magic is fun).

           Flashing my provisional license to the head of security, he approved my involvement so long as I kept collateral damage to a minimum. Easy enough.

           Confronting the villain, I attempt to resolve the situation with diplomacy. “How unfortunate, I must say, that you got caught so very quickly. Let us avoid a brawl and you return what was stolen. Perhaps we may come to an agreement with the authorities, no?”

           Nope.

           Not even bothering to answer, the villain charged me recklessly, ‘dropping’ their bag of pilfered goods in the process (I slipped it from their grasp via some vines). Once in range, I swept their legs before doing an electrically charged hammer kick, slamming them into the ground. Unfortunately, the villain’s quirk also gave them some added durability, otherwise they would not have been able to retaliate.

           Grabbing my leg while still on the ground, they tossed me towards the gathering crowd. Rolling my eyes, I caught myself in midair, solidifying the air by my feet to make footholds. With a meager wave of my hand upward, a gale of wind encircled the inner perimeter Aaron helped create. Using the villain’s momentary confusion to my advantage (they also noticed they no longer had the stolen items), I deepened my focus and cast a powerful entrapment spell.

           “Shattered Mind.”

           Just like that, the battle ended. The earth rose around the villain to restrict their movement while an electrical charge surged through their brain to force them into a nightmare-plagued slumber. After that, I helped restore the area to normal before taking my leave with Aaron. I sealed my form once we got into the car, returning into my previous state and dealing with a headache.

           “I forgot you created that form when you were really into Greek and Roman myth back in elementary school. Are you sure you’re fit to drive?”

           “Yeah, just need my sunglasses and some Beethoven. Or maybe Queen.”

           “Definitely Queen. You’ll probably fall asleep listening to Moonlight Sonata.”

           Agreeing, I gave my phone to Aaron to make a selection before driving off towards the grocery store. After, we will visit Aria at work and I will drop Aaron off at his house, returning to mine after. Then, I am going to rest in bed until school starts. I cannot be bothered to go out again.

           Except to take Aaron to his tryouts and watch him perform.

Beta Reader, Collaborator, Owner of Aria and Aaron Granchester, and Creator of the Illegitimate Son storyline- @i-am-here-with-fanfic.

[regulationlistener]

a sort of continuation of the tags on the fictional death post, while not a death per say, the time i cried most at a movie was when i watched straight outta compton, it starts with this like compilation of police brutality, basically, and i think its purpose is sort of to set the scene of why a song like fuck the police would exist and be a big deal, for people who are ignorant. but it was like five minutes long and i just immediately started just full sobbing, like i was worried other people in the theater would hear me even though there was probably only 5-10 other people in there. and i remember my girlfriend at the time was like “???? are you okay?” and im like “are you not watching the same thing i am”

i guess it balanced out though cause at the end of the movie when that one guy died i was out of tears and probably massively dehydrated so i just watched it with a straight face and she was sobbing and shes like “why arent you crying. whats wrong with you.” and im like “im drinking a dr pepper dude you think i can make tears with this. im out of em.”

in a similar vein in 2020 there was a compilation video going around of police brutality again and i thought, i should watch this to see whats going on, and then i cried for maybe 3 or 4 hours straight, went to sleep, got up, started crying again, went to work, and was there for maybe two hours before i had to go home because i couldnt stop crying for longer than 30 minutes. i was out of commission for like two full days.

anyway im also notorious for crying at parts of movies that im obviously not supposed to cry about. ive cried more than once at the climax of the movie footloose [a scene in which everyone in the town that outlawed dance starts dancing, for reference]

what im saying is i cry a lot and often and also a lot of the times for no particularly good reason [though the first half of this post is a very good reason even though it was helpful for anyone, least of all me] so its always weird to me when people pit crying as some master manipulator tactic when for some people its just a very common unwanted and sometimes unwarranted response. not that it cant be manipulative but Not Always, is what im saying.

yesterday i cried because i was frustrated at my job and couldnt fix my machine. the day before i started crying because i was tired and also earlier in the day i cried cause one of my coworker friends is about to get fired. i cried once cause i was looking at a sunset. like i cry a lot. i dont really like it, its usually not helpful, but its something i do probably three or four days out of the week.

one thing thats weird is that my mom, for example, thinks i cry less now than when i was a kid - cause you can imagine if i have this problem now, when i was a kid it was a lot worse - but its not really that i cry less its just that as an adult i get to be alone sometimes and as a kid i wasnt ever really allowed to just be alone. like less than ten years old im talking. and maybe it was because i did cry often but usually when i was a kid and crying people acted like i was doing it on purpose, which is so crazy cause even then i Didnt Want to be crying.

i specifically remember one time my mom was whipping me with a belt, which didnt often happen, and i dont remember what i did but i remember that i was crying, cause i was in trouble and getting hit and i was probably 6-8 years old, and my mom said “stop crying, its not gonna make me feel bad” like. as if thats not a natural emotional response from a kid getting hit. like what a wild fucking thing to think.

[athike2015]

4 Aug 2015

Welcome to my reliving of my 2015 AT hike.  I have decided to share my trip as a day by day memory.  Each day I will share my personal journal (what I captured while hiking the trail), my comments (thoughts about the journal/trail from present day), and pictures from the day of the hike.

Mile hiked (day / trip) - 21.8 / 422.1

Staying - Telephone Pioneers

Journal

Only one in the shelter @ 6:15pm.  Is this the night I’m alone in the shleter (thought it before, but people showed up).

Body seems to be slowly breaking.  I can barely climb up 20 feet w/o resting.  Feet have multiple blisters - pinky toe on both feet, side of the ring toe on both feet, and a huge crack between the middle toe (right) and main foot pad.  It hurts when I walk, and my feet ache when I’m not walking.  I need to fix the feet in Kent.  Maybe hiking sandals will cure all.

Body is really tired.  I think its b/c I’m eating crap.  I’m eating high calorie, nutrient low foods - sometime in town.  I need to get vitamins and minerals my body needs - I think I know why most of the US feels like crap.  Processed foods don’t seem to make me feel good at all.

I think multiple days near 25 miles is a bad idea.  I think I want to aim for 18 - 22 mile days.  I seem to be able to handle those well.

Comments

I’m going to repost - It’s perfect for todays journal.

Trail Rage

I’m hiking through the rolling hills of New York, less than a month after starting my journey in Harper’s Ferry, West Virginia.

Its hot and its been hot for weeks.  Several days have been above 100F.  I’ve been drinking 5 liters or more a water a day.

I’m eating crazy amount of food, 3 to 4 pounds per day.  I’m eating high calorie / low weight foods like ramen, pop tarts, candy bars, and bread.  Its almost the same meals every day.  Breakfast - bag of Pop tarts.  Snack - Snickers.  Lunch - Crackers, cheese, and pepperoni.  Snack - Sugar (my choice of sweet candies).  Dinner - Ramen.

I’m starting to feel the miles.  I wake up stiff.  It takes me several minutes to walk normal; the first few minutes look like I’m trying out for the Hunchback of Notre Dame (and I’m nailing it).  I think its my body getting used to the trail.  I’m been taking ibuprofen to mask the pain so I can hike.

I’ve done thousands of feet of elevation change.  I’ve done far more challenging days, but today is when I get angry.

As I start hiking up a hill, I get mad.  Real mad.  Its not tough, or at least compared to other hills, but I’m frustrated, tired, and just want to be done.  I don’t want to hike another hill.  Why is this hill here anyway?  There is no view.  Someone is just trying to piss me off and its working.  I’m done with this crap.

I stand on trail, panting.  I don’t want to go on.  I want the hill the not exist, and if I had a wish, this hill wouldn’t be here.  After a few minutes, I’m calm enough to hike on.  I’m still frustrated, but getting angry is not getting me any closer to my shelter for the night.

While I hike, I try to understand my anger.  Why am I getting frustrated with a little hill?  If this hill is frustrating me, how am I going to finish the trail?

Then, it dawns on me.  I’m eating horrible food.  I’m eating the stuff your mom tells you not to eat, all of the processed foods in the center of the store.  The “good” food is too heavy, so I don’t carry it.  I’ve been eating calories and not getting nutrition.  I’m missing the vitamins and minerals my body needs.  I’m eating calorie dense and nutritionally poor.  I’m angry because my body and mind aren’t getting what they need.

At my next re-supply, I buy a multi-vitamin.  I take four in twenty-four hours and I start to feel normal again.  Its not the best fix.  I’d like to carry good food, but I’m not willing to carry the weight.  It will have to do.  I take a multi-vitamin for the remainder of the hike.  I don’t ever feel great, but I don’t have the anger over little things.

The trail reminded me to eat healthy foods.  Eat foods that are minimally processed.  I think about it like this; if I can point at the food in a field, I can eat as much of it as I want.  Chicken.  Carrots.  Milk.  Corn.  Lettuce.  Eggs.  Cheese.  Apples.  Oranges.  I know where all of those foods come from and I can point at the thing that produced it.  I know the steps to get milk from a cow.  I know how to turn milk into cheese.  I know what a chicken looks like and that they lay eggs.  I grow carrots and lettuce.

Don’t base your diet on highly processed foods that are stripped of their nutritional value.  Things that have ingredients I can’t read (or know what they are).  Snickers bars.  Ramen.  Pop Tarts.  Crackers.  Sugary snacks.  Ice Cream.  All of these foods are full of calories, but have little nutrition.  Its what made me angry and why I think America is struggling with obesity, diabetes, and poor nutrition.

Make your mom proud and eat healthy.

Pictures

Clarence Fahnestock SP

Shelter logs - Hiker communication system - This shelter is relevant to me b/c my dad worked his whole career at AT&T.

[mynameistori]

entry 2 (aug 16)

Hello everyone!

I’ve been meaning to write something but I think writing too often sets me up for failure and I’d like this blog to live for a while. Though I think my cyclic mental state will act as motivation for me to continue to write. Let me update you on what I’ve been doing and thinking about!

Wonderland

Yesterday I went to Wonderland (an amusement park about 40 minutes away from my house) with my nephew Little Bear (literal translation of our nickname for him haha) who’s 11 years younger than me. Fun fact: Little Bear is 11 years younger than me and my next cousin up is 11 years older than me (who we’ll call Melon in case he shows up in a future entry). I had tons of fun, even though we were only there for about 5 hours. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken so much Chinese in my life before! And what’s weird is that I probably could’ve used Shanghainese more (since I’m definitely more fluent in that) but I think I was more comfortable using Chinese with him?? Totally weird. We got there around 5 pm originally because my mom said the tickets were cheaper (they weren’t that much cheaper -- we still spent like 90 bucks for the two of us -- should’ve bought them from Costco) but I also hate being out in the sun (I hate tanning and it just makes me a grumpier person). Luckily the wind was cool and the longest line we were in was for about an hour (for the best ride, so it was reasonable). Only downside was probably going on a ride involving water first (Riptide) and getting moderately soaked such that my foot got a blister from my shoes within the first hour, which caused me to painfully limp for the rest of the night. 

I enjoy going to amusement parks like Wonderland because they force physical reactions out of me. Sound weird, but let me explain. My mental control is so strong (or my soul is so dead -- it’s pretty much the same at this rate) that I don’t experience feelings most of the time. My emotions are heavily guarded! So high thrill rides make me feel fear, adrenaline, excitement, as well as a different kind of control (because restraints make rollercoasters safe and conquerable, it feels like I’m letting myself go on an enjoyable ride from a mystical animal friend).

@_torigram

I know I linked an Instagram account and I’ve been thinking a lot about it (@_torigram in case you missed it at the top of this page). It’s mainly a place where I can post random dance videos because there’s a lot of dances I want to learn but I don’t want to post them on my main account because I’m self-conscious about my dancing and I hate watching myself dance. However, I think that having an account dedicated to this stuff will help me get over my insecurities. To maintain my privacy I’ll be wearing a hat and one of those mouth mask things and I’ll try to keep my outfit as plain as possible (or at least not wear something that someone can notice as mine).

It’s also where I’ll post my “Challenge Videos”! The story behind this is that I wanted to challenge my friend (let’s call him Cover Boy for now, but he’s also involved with the “two nights ago” story I was talking about in my last entry so I might as well just call him Pretty Boy) to do one cover a week. For those who don’t know what covers are, they’re just copying (and sometimes changing up) an original artist’s work and posting it online. So if I were to do a dance cover of someone’s choreography, I’d learn from a video of theirs and post it on my Instagram. The Challenge would go like this: I’d give Pretty Boy a song and he’d have a week to learn as much of the dance and any part of it he’d like and then post the video to Instagram (or at least send a video to me through Messenger). I think this was something I wanted to do myself for a while, and after seeing him do something like this casually on his Instagram (he’s done two) made me want a buddy to do this with. He’s been extremely stressed recently though, so I told him I would hold off for a little longer before presenting him with this. Hopefully he’d be down to do it, but I’m pretty sure I’d continue without him. It’ll mostly be kpop dance covers, so sorry to those who hate kpop! As for vocal covers, they’d be in English because I’m not confident with my Korean pronunciation, haha. 

I’ll post on the Instagram before the summer ends (likely sometime next week, when I head back to Waterloo for my last few part-time shifts for the term), so keep an eye out~ I’ve got a couple of dances ready but I’m not good at learning from videos (I’ve learned from teachers pretty much all my life so dissecting videos frame by frame is so tedious -- props to y’all who do this on a regular basis) so hopefully I can keep a good pace with releasing the videos. We’ll see how everything works out!

Meteor Garden

I recently started watching Meteor Garden 2018! I’ve always been a huge Hana Yori Dango fan -- I think i’ve watched the whole thing at least 3 times and refused to watch the taiwanese and korean versions because to be honest, the japanese cast looks the best and the manga is Japanese. Also, Matsuda Shota was in it and Liar Game (which he’s also in) is one of my all-time favourite dramas. It might be my top actually… I decided to watch the Meteor Garden remake mainly because it was on Netflix and because it takes place in Shanghai. It takes me back sometimes because I always try to guess where this is taking place and how hard it must’ve been to shoot some of the scenes because of how populated Shanghai is, haha.

This drama also helped me feel a lot better because it made me think about something other than my own shitty life and it made me laugh a lot. It also made me think about my ideal guy I suppose. I think I have a better idea as to what kind of guy I’d want to date next or even settle down with. I don’t know if I should type some traits out for you… hahaha. Well, I guess I might as well since this place is pretty private and I shouldn’t be so uptight (?) about this stuff. Sorry for the organization of this next section, it might be a bit wonky. I’m trying to work it out in my head but it’s still pretty messy. Let’s call him IB for Ideal Boy.

LOOKS: I don’t think I’ve ever been picky about looks with my previous boyfriends, but I’d like IB to be more of a pretty boy (not referring to Pretty Boy in any way, haha though he does fit the description) with a lean build. Someone that can turn heads when dressed up. I would like him to be taller than me (I’m pretty tall to begin with at 167 cm), but I’ve dated shorter guys before. I think I haven’t been picky about looks in the past because I don’t consider myself to be beautiful. I don’t think I’m ugly per se, but I think I’m pretty darn average when it comes to looks (though others call me pretty).

INTELLIGENCE: I’ve been involved with (dating/friends with benefits) 6 boys in the past and 4 of them were/ended up as engineers (it would be 5 but he got kicked out of engineering, good riddance because he was a rude dude), so I guess I like smart boys. I don’t think having a university degree says anything about how smart you are. I’d just like someone to exchange opinions with, someone who can hold a conversation and be curious about my life (because I’m unfortunately not that talkative), and someone who’s just as clever, crafty, and witty as me. I’d like IB to be knowledgeable about what he likes/dislikes as well as “street smart” I suppose. I would want him to be able to show me all of his favourite spots and go-tos in whatever city we’re in.

HUMOUR: I think my humour is pretty dark? I don’t know what to say about humour but I’d like IB to have a similar sense of humour to me (or at least get my humour) and to know when to stop joking around because I’m generally quite serious and hate it when people don’t take me seriously (thanks mom and dad).

ROMANCE: I like pet names (call me sweetheart, babe, and princess, IB) and stealing his clothes (why are boy’s clothes so darn comfortable???). I also like eating nice food and sharing everything we eat so we can try more dishes. I like holding hands in public, forehead and neck kisses, and back hugs. I like cuddling, making out in bed for hours, and getting touched all over (okay except for my left ribs - scoliosis problems - and my knees - they’re sensitive but in a bad way). I like receiving and giving hickies because I’m kind of possessive? And I’d like IB to be slightly possessive as well. Let’s not move to more intimate topics, sorry internet maybe some other time :)

TRUST:  I’d want him to be able to listen to me without judgment and to always be truthful with me. I don’t want him to hide anything from me (especially when it’s people talking shit behind my back) and to trust me to deal with problematic situations well enough (this is the main reason why me and my most recent boyfriend -- let’s call him Balloon Boy -- broke up, aside from being long distance and being too similar in our introverted-like traits).

PERSONALITY: Loud but quiet. I’d like IB to be more outgoing than me because I’m quiet and shy in general (especially around strangers) and am socially anxious, so I’d want him to hold my hand and lead me out of my comfort zone I think IB should be passionate about something in his life, whether it be a hobby or career-related. Extra points if he sings or dances, because then we’d have something in common. I don’t want IB to be nonchalant (more nonchalant than me is a nono) because it gets tiring being the one in charge all the time. Some spontaneity is good, and taking risks is nice too because I’m a rebel at heart though it seems like I’m super uptight all the time.

AGE: to be honest, I don’t really care much about age. So far, I’ve gone 3 years older and 2 years younger. I like mature boys though because I’d want to have serious deep talks and be able to ask them for their opinions on life and whatnot.

I don’t know how to continue on from that rough list, so I guess that’s all from me for now. I think the next ones will be about Pretty Boy and Balloon Boy, so get ready for some angst? Until then, be merry :)

Tori

[brittysaucefanfic]

Operation: Voltron

Part 5

Keith

(First)(Previous)(Next)(AO3)

Keith had been knee deep in his files on Blue Lion when his brother knocked on the door. Usually, when interrupted in the middle of his thought process on this infuriating case, Keith would not be happy. He would have snapped at the person, no matter if they were a King from another country, or if they were his overprotective big brother. Keith wouldn’t have held back.

But his thoughts were already so jumbled up and ready to send Keith to the loony bin, that he actually appreciated the distraction. He swirled around in his chair, which might as well have been an extra body part from how long he was sitting there. In the doorway stood his obnoxiously muscular older brother.

Don’t get him wrong, Keith adored hs brother Shiro.

When he was eleven, and was first brought home to the Shirogane household, he had met Shiro for the first time. And it was like Shiro just became God in his eyes. To this day Keith couldn’t tell you the moment he stopped hating this family he loves so dearly now, to when he was suddenly practically worshipping the ground that Shiro walked upon.

It could have been when they first locked eyes. Or it could have been when Shiro bailed him out of school to get some ice cream a week later. Maybe when Shiro left for another tour overseas. Perhaps it was long before the first meeting though. 

When the Shirogane couple he calls Mom and Dad now first came to the orphanage, Keith was their first choice. They had talked to him maybe twice, told him about Shiro, when Keith had demanded to know why he wasn’t with them.

They gave him a letter, one he still has hidden in his house somewhere. 

It was a letter from Shiro, and it said, in summary, that Shiro wanted the choice of adoption to be up to his parents and not to Shiro. There were so many kind words crammed into a single sheet of notebook paper, that Keith had immediately ran to his room in the orphanage to hide it. 

So, yeah. Keith loves Shiro dearly. But the amount of hours in his day just spent working out or cleaning, especially after getting the new arm, was ridiculous. Sure, it looks good on him, and he wasn’t exactly the size of a mountain, but still. Chill dude.

“Shiro, what’s up?” Keith asked, eyeing his brother who simply stood leaning in his doorframe. They were in his office at the FBI headquarters, which was a fancy little area, small but cozy. Nice view, not too much furniture- just Keith’s style. Shiro smiled fondly down at him, and Keith knew it was a fond smile, because only one corner of his lips lifted.

“Just came to talk. Got a minute, or am I interrupting?” Shiro asked as he stepped off the frame and stepped inside, letting the door swing gently closed. It was glass, because there was a lot of glass walls and doors in this building. 

"Please." Keith said, rubbing his sore eyes. He needed a coffee, or five. "I'm begging you to kill me right now." Shiro only gave short scoff before dragging out a chair and taking a seat.

Keith watched with lidded eyes as his brother scanned the table piled up with Keith's most infamous case. It was separated into two halves. The first half of the pile, to Keith's right, was directly involving his criminal, named Blue Lion.

It wasn't very much, maybe three folders worth of actual information and two boxes full of origami lions made out of Blue paper. Hence the name. Each lion was about the size of a softball, and they were intricately designed.

Should you line each lion up from oldest to newest, you could physically see the skill get more and more perfected. But Shiro's already seen all of that. Even the folders of information, no matter that Keith could lose his job for it.

It was the second pile that was more interesting. Keith has pulled every case file he's done since becoming an FBI agent, and he's been steadily combing through them for any similarities. Like connections to each other and connections to Blue Lion. It was just a hunch he had.

Recently, someone Keith put in prison had recognized keith right off the bat. When questioned, the man had simply said ‘Blue was right about you.’ Refused to speak at all after that, no matter how long the interrogations went, or if Keith was or wasn’t in the room. The man had said nothing, not even to taunt the interrogators, which was a very common reaction from guys like him. So after that, it got Keith wondering just how many people he’s gone after who had connections to his number one case.

"What's all this?" Shiro asked. His eyebrow was raised and a curious glint in his eye sparked. Keith's always hated that glint in his brother's eyes, because most of the time it gets Keith into unwanted situations. Like a double date with twin girls. 

Keith is gay.

"These are all the cases that I've done since I joined the FBI. I'm looking for any correlations between my old cases and the Blue Lion case." Keith said. Goodness, even he could hear how exhausted he sounded.

Shiro looked back at Keith briefly, before he did that thing he does when he's hiding something or being nonchalant to get his way. It's hard to put a name to what it is, but Keith knows it by heart.

Because he taught Shiro how to hide things and lie to their parents.

Before Keith came along, Shiro was horrible at lying and keeping secrets from his family. And at first, Shiro was perfectly fine with that. Up until the moment when Keith got away with something Shiro never would have. The look of astonishment was priceless. After that Shiro shyly asked Keith to show him how to do it.

"What if I told you," Shiro started. He had gone as far as poking at the left pile to keep up a charade in front of Keith. It was useless. One, Shiro was too obvious when you knew what to look for. Two, Keith had been both a detective and an FBI agent for a while now. Kind of part of the job description to read people. "That I made some friends who could help you out in the Blue Lion case?" Shiro said, still thumbing the edges of a stack of files. It got Keith's interest at least, and Keith leaned forward. 

He was definitely awake now.

Shiro never tried to help anymore, Keith had been too irritable to let people help him on this case. Any other case? He loved to have someone else’s opinion. Not the Blue Lion case though. Keith felt it in his bones that he had to be the one to catch this guy, no one else. Maybe it was a pride thing, or maybe it was just him desperately wanting to prove himself to his old mentor. 

Or maybe it was both. 

He never wanted help with catching the Blue Lion, but at this point Keith would take anything. It's almost been three years since he was handed down the case from his mentor and boss. Three years working on this case all alone.

Three years of chasing smoke while his suspect avoided him like a pro.

"Listening..." Keith said, trailing off. If it meant finally being able to sleep at night without obsessing over this case, he would bend his pride and accept an offering of assistance.

It had been after his fourth closed case, which was a counterfeiting ring bust that ended with a boat load of bad guys in prison, when his mentor had approached Keith about the Blue Lion. It wasn't a secret that his friend, practically a God among mortals when it comes to closing cases, had been having no progress on this one single case.

Said he was tired of the case haunting him, and that it was his greatest regret on not being able to close it himself.

He had told Keith that he was stepping out of field work, and handing Blue Lion over to Keith. Keith had dutifully taken the mantle and spent the next week combing over the three pages worth of information. Which wasn't a lot, but by the end of the week Keith knew the details of the case back to front.

After about three months of chasing geese, his mentor had given Keith a new case, putting Blue Lion on the back burner. Anyone sane in his profession would have deemed it a lost cause. But Keith was too invested.

Why?

Because his mentor, friend, and boss deserved to see the case closed by someone he trusted to take over it. Over the three years working this case, Keith has nailed down every potential lead. There were maybe three people he put in lock up who had suspected ties to the Blue Lion, but interrogation offered nothing more than sarcasm and snark. 

Either these men were extremely loyal to Blue Lion, or they were terrified of him. 

Keith was almost afraid to find out which one it was.

“You remember how I told you about the new job offer, the one I agreed to take on?” Shiro asked. He had finally stopped messing with the files to try and look casual, now leaning his side against the table from where he sat, his chin propped up on his hand.

Keith nodded but didn’t reply.

“So far we, Allura and I, have recruited two more people to be on the team.” Shiro said after he realized Keith wasn’t going to reply with his words, as per typical of Keith. 

Allura. Keith remembers her. 

A white haired bombshell with more power in her pinky finger than the past four presidents combined. Shiro introduced the two of them at lunch one day maybe a week ago. And with how those two interacted, one would think they were already married for a decade. 

The sexual tension was disgusting.

“One them specifically, is a computer genius who used to work for NASA, and also well versed in hacking and breaching high level security databases.” Shiro said. Keith pretended he didn’t hear that, but didn’t interrupt Shiro. “She’s a bit younger, but she’s good. Remember Matt? From the space launch?” Shiro asked.

Matt? Keith vaguely remembers him. They never met face to face, but they did say hello one time when Shiro was doing a video call. Matt was one of the scientists who accompanied Shiro to space, and were also taken prisoner by the same terrorist group Shiro escaped from. He nodded to Shiro’s question anyways. 

“Katie, or Pidge as she prefers, Matt’s little sister, is the NASA scientist I’m talking about.” Shiro continued. “She can be a really big asset when going after Blue Lion, look at things you might have never even thought about thinking about.”

Keith pushed his tongue into his left cheek as he thought, considering this new turn of events. Then a thought hit him that had his eyes narrowing suspiciously at his brother. “And what? You’re just gonna give her to me like some sort human pet to use as I desire regarding the case?” 

Shiro cringed, his nose scrunching and bunching the scar on his nose up as he did so. “When you say it like that it sounds like I’m pimping her out or something.” Keith quirked his lips a little at that, because that was what he was going for in the first place.

“So what do you want in return for her helping me?” Keith asked, not beating around the bush and going straight into it.

Shiro sighed as if he held the world on his shoulder, which wasn’t too far from how Shiro carried himself. He was always the first to volunteer when someone needed to unload their own burdens. He was an extremely empathetic person, feeling someone else’s pain as if it were his own. And though it wasn’t the best of things to be when in the war zone, Shiro never let it hold him back.

It was one of the many things that Keith admired about Shiro.

“I can’t just help my baby brother?” Shiro said, his voice raising a notch in a classic tell for lying. Keith raised an eyebrow at Shiro, who caved in far too soon for someone who could survive a year in Zarkon’s captivity and escape.

“Okay fine. I want you to consider joining Allura’s task force with me. You know? We could bond and watch each other’s backs and all that. I think it would be fun.” Shiro finished weakly with a shrug. Keith rolled his eyes, but caved as well at Shiro’s puppy eyes.

“I’ll think about it. When do I meet this Pidge?” He asked. A new, and very unfamiliar voice sounded behind him, making Keith spin around, his hand already placed on his gun just in case.

“How about right now?” Said a short female with choppy cropped strawberry blonde hair and thick rimmed glasses. She was dressed in a pair of shorts, which barely peaked out from her lime green hoodie, zipped halfway up her body. Her brown eyes were sharp, even sharper than Allura’s were when they met. Speaking of the white haired bombshell, she appeared in his doorway behind the short female, as well as a very large man with a headband. 

“I’m Pidge, and this is my friend Hunk. We’re on the task force with your brother Shiro.” Pidge said, pushing up her glasses with a jacket covered hand. She looked kind of childish right then. “Shall we start then?”

****** 

(First)(Previous)(Next)(AO3)

[metalhead-monster]

I wouldn’t normally post this here but I really just need to scream into the void and at least if I do this here nobody who I actually care about will see this.

I’m so fucking tired. I can’t sleep, ever. I have averaged about 4 hours per night over the last week and a half and I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what to do about it. I’m just so so tired. It’s starting to make me hate myself, which is so stupid, but like why can’t I just sleep like a normal person? I can’t even do that right and that’s a basic human necessity.

I’m letting all my friends down. Not my college friends, no I’m making huge amounts of effort for them and it’s exhausting but rewarding. I’m talking about my friends from home. My best friend in this entire world hates me, she won’t admit it, but I know right now she does and I’m not sure how to fix it because I just don’t have the mental capacity to support her right now. My other two closest friends are suffering SO much and all I can seem to do is crack jokes and try to lighten the mood instead of actually being a friend because that’s my defense mechanism. And now that I’m thinking about it, the amount of work I’m putting into my relationships at college is probably driving all my friends here nuts. They’re probably wishing I would just shut up and let them breathe for a hot second.

I’m going through a huge fucking breakup, and what’s worse is my ex’s mom is fucking dying. Not like slowly dying of something curable, shes lying on her death bed. I’ve never known someone close to me to die before and now every time I think of him I think of her and how much more seeing him is going to hurt when she dies. It’s hard that he still wants support from me and I feel obligated to give it because I loved him for so long and I can’t even imagine what he’s going through, I don’t even want to imagine it. I miss him everyday. Not dating him or anything like that, but I miss someone consistently telling me I mattered and that they loved me. I miss feeling like something was stable and constant. And right now I wish I could call him and cry but I can’t because not only can’t he handle it but I know that’s over the line. I’m mad at him and I don’t even know why, I guess I feel like I should be cuz that’s what happens in a break up right? You’re just mad at each other?

And I miss my ex but I’m also falling so fucking hard for this boy, alex. It’s terrifying me. I’ve been falling for him for a long time, since before this breakup, and he’s been supporting me like no one has for over a year when he really didn’t need to be. And you might think that’s a good thing, but I’m a sophomore and he’s a senior and he’s gonna graduate in 5 weeks and move away to be an engineer and live his adult life. And I’ll be here, even more heartbroken than I already am. I hate that I can confidently say I love him. He makes my anxiety disappear and when I’m with him I’m the happiest I could be. But I know it’s temporary, and that’s a fact thats out of my control. I’m actually having nightmares about him leaving, how fucking pathetic is that? I wake up in a cold sweat worried he’s gone, and soon he will be.

And don’t even get me started on school. Why I chose to destroy myself and take 3 hard classes this quarter I don’t know, but I did and it’s making me wish I was dead. Some sleep would definitely help but we all know how that’s going right now (throwback to paragraph 1 of this novel).

From these classes/exams coming up to being Vice President of a club to maintaining my friendships, I have no time for exercise which means I feel like shit about myself and my weight all the time. I’m so fat. I can’t look in the mirror without that being all I see. It used to be dysphoria, and that’s a whole other thing, but right now feeling disgustingly fat is outweighing that. I hate that my coping mechanism for depression is caffeine and food, it’s the most unproductive thing in the universe. I’m hungry all the time. Right now for instance, I’m crying, it’s 2am, and I’m fucking starving.

Here’s to hoping no irls read this, but if you do and you manage to get all the way here, I’m sorry I fucking suck at being a human being right now. I’m sorry I’m letting you all down. I’m not depressed or in danger, I promise!!! But I am not ok. I’m backsliding and I’m so angry at myself. I was doing so well and now it’s like that meant nothing.

Bye.

[inspoartist]

All of them... :) p.s. love your drawings

Well hello there :) Thank you very much! Lol I hope you actually wanted to know about my life because here you go

1. Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend?

- boyfriend

2. When did your last hug take place?

- two days ago on holiday with my family, I ran into an old camp friend from like 5 years ago in the mountains, how weird is that

3. Are you a jealous person?

- ahem hell yes

4. Are you tired right now?

- well it’s 11:45 and I’ve been staring at screens for a few hours, so maybe a little

5. Do you chew on your straws?

- absolutelythefricknot what nerve

6. Have you ever been called a tease?

- no, I’m not that flirty of a person lol

7. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

- I don’t think so, but I know I’ve come a few hours short lol

8. Do you cry easily?

- It heavily depends on my mood. If I’m happy then not really, but if it’s an off day the dam breaks real quick.

9. What should you be doing right now?

- Definitely working on my Art History test review since it’s 17 pages long lol oops

10. Are you a heavy sleeper?

- I think I’m a normal sleeper. I only wake up if I get overheated or sick

11. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?

- Been there done that

12. Are you mad at someone right now?

- if I think hard enough I probably am

13. Do you believe in love?

- oh absolutely

14. What makes you laugh no matter what?

- my best friend and weirdly enough, Jenna Marbles

15. Who was the last person you talked to?

- Found another Will & Grace fandom member and I think we’re actually soulmates; currently talking

16. Do you get butterflies around the person you like?

- that and also sweaty palms like why

17. Will you get married?

- well I sure hope so

18. When was the last time you smiled?

- today when I told my mom that yesterday was National Pi day (like 3.14) and I walked into the kitchen like 3 hours ago and she had made an apple pie and said “National Pie day is very important”

19. Does anyone like you?

- There’s one person that told someone I was cute, idk if that counts lol

20. Do you secretly like someone?

- don’t we all?

21. Who was the first person you talked to today?

- my dad

22. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

- My two best friends 

23. What are you NOT looking forward to?

- working on my fckn term project because I HATE painting

24. What ARE you looking forward to?

- Working out regularly again and starting my spring season

25. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?

- Boy is that a story, but to cut it short; I love you does not work after 2 weeks thank you get out

26. Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do?

- It’s an ex flip your hair and walk the hell away who cares

27. Do you plan on moving out within the next year?

- Yes I do

28. Are you a forgiving person?

- Mostly yes

29. How many TRUE friends do you have?

- less than 10 maybe more than 5

30. Do you fall for people easily?

- I can, yea

31. Have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend?

- Nah fam 

32. What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?

- Apple Pie bitch International Pi Day

33. Who was the last person you drove with?

- Well I was just in the car yesterday for 8 hours with my family, but with ME driving, my teammate/best friend

34. How late did you stay up last night and why?

- Probably 1am fangirling/stalking the casts of my shows. As per usual.

35. If you could move somewhere else, would you?

- If I could pack my life up yes (in a perfect world)

36. Who was the last person you took a picture of?

- my sister

37. Can you live a day without TV?

- of course. maybe I could get some work done too

38. When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?

- BMI testing :)))))

39. Three names you go by…

- full name, shorter version of my name, and a “ghetto” version that I went by in high school that I’d rather not share hahaha

40. Are you currently in a relationship?

- Me Myself and I

41. What is your all-time favorite romance movie?

- Actually not a huge fan of romance movies, but I guess You’ve Got Mail is pretty far up there

42. Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?

- I believe that some people are meant to be with someone, and some people are meant to shine brighter on their own

43. What’s your current problem?

- body image

44. Have you ever had your heart broken?

- yes

45. Your thoughts of long distance relationships?

- They suck. But they can work with a lot of effort

46. How many kids do you want to have?

- At least two

47. Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them?

- Yes, but beating around the bush makes it so much worse lol. Like a bandaid, my friend

Alright well that was fun, I hope this holds up to your expectations, anon! I’m going to go ahead and open this up to anyone who wants to do it just for fun!! :)