#why am i so rambly and why do i keep putting 90% of a conversation in tags here

[grave-bride]

I'll definitely make a mental note of it and brain storm some more ideas at least and see if I can come up with enough to convince myself to do it lol

cuz I do like these two a lot and wish I could do something but I know that's certainly not going to be in the form of fanart... though I've never really done any kind of fanwork hmm

Dracugoona but it's G1 💗 need more of these moments in G3 🤭

[grainjew]

On Gallifreyan Vestigial Gender

[this is the revised and expanded version of some rambling i initially did in my cowriter's discord DMs. i tried cite sources where i could, but a lot of this has been marinating in my brain since half-absorbing posts twenty pages deep into peoples' dw tags 3 years ago, and also i spend way too much time on the wiki, so please excuse anything i can't quite source, which is most of it. huge thanks to @oriigami for being my original conversation partner and contributing extremely to the concepts here, and to @bird-of-paradox and @waywren, neither of whom I am being allowed to @, for bothering me into not leaving it as unreadable discord screenshots]

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There's this tendency among queer Doctor Who fans to look at Time Lord society, with its alienness and regeneration, and ask, frustrated, "Why do they even have gender?"

I sympathize with this extremely. I've been the one asking this question plenty in the past, and I do think it's a bit silly, and even sillier that the genders are "man" and "woman" and there are apparently two of them. But I also think that the section of canon most insistent about the Gallifreyan gender binary, the 7th Doctor novels from the 90s, also has the potential to be the most interesting about it.

Now, this is not to say that the text of those novels isn't weird about gender in a flawed, written by (as far as I know) cis people in the 90s way. But I think that you can extrapolate and queer what's there in very interesting ways, often because it's so flawed in the first place: Gallifrey, too, is an extremely flawed society. Decadent, degenerate, and rotten to the core, as the show put it.

So, VNAs Gallifrey: living Houses and their female Housekeepers, cultural and literal planet-wide sterility, Loom birth, rigid overcomplicated bureaucracy, the enduring legacy of the pre-Rassilon Pythian regime. The gender binary as presented here goes something like

women: chaos/magic/psychic powers/superstition/the house (scary)/biological childbirth/fertility men: cold rationality/order/science/bureaucracy/loom-birth/sterility

The Pythia and the Lord President. Magic and science. The House and the Web of Time.

Obviously a lot of this is classic gender binary stuff. But let's put the exasperated question of "Why must we do the gender binary like this?" aside for a moment and think about Gallifreyan society instead.

Pythia-ruled and Time Lord-ruled Gallifrey have a lot of the same problems in the end, just wearing different faces: they're both very much totalitarian states that believe themselves to be above everyone else. But while the Time Lords observe and micromanage the Web of Time from their Panopticon, maintaining its integrity to their standards, the Pythians didn't have time travel, so this preoccupation with control manifested--as far as I know; this is the bit in the meta where I admit I haven't actually read Time's Crucible yet--as keeping the entirety of society in one psychic hivemind, leaving nobody any privacy, plus a lot of future-reading and prophecy and whatnot.

The main relics of that societal layout into post-Rassilon Gallifreyan society are the Matrix, which has every single dead Time Lord's brain in it and does their prophecies for them, just couched in a little bit more science than Pythian magic, the Houses, which are alive all around you and in which you're constantly being watched by the Housekeeper through her mirrors, and, of course, the gender binary.

The Pythia was always a woman. Women were the ones with vast psychic powers, with magic; women were the ones in charge. Pythian Gallifrey was a heavily gendered society. This is because Gallifreyans are a kind of bug /shot with the "irrelevant to the point at hand" gun.

And so, when Rassilon rebelled, he was very much playing the part of "opposite gender with opposite worldview." The Pythia had female magic and superstition; he had male science and technology. His most trusted Founders were either all or mostly men, depending on the version of events you prefer. (Personally I have my doubts about the Other.) Rassilon built his new society as a man, among men, in opposition to the matriarchs before him.

Gallifrey, despite the invention (or theft, depending on the story) of regeneration allowing people to trans their gender randomly and sometimes unintentionally, never left the gender binary behind.

The whole point of modern Gallifreyan society is that they're still stuck in that exact same moment Rassilon took over (and the Pythia cursed them to sterility, if thats the version you're going with). You could easily make an argument for this being some cycle of abuse type situation; Rassilon and co overthrew the Pythia and immediately did exactly what she was doing to them to the wider universe. I tend to read it as a regeneration: it's the same society, really. It just died and was reborn, and now it looks and sounds different.

-

The downside of trying to translate a discord conversation into a proper meta post is that sometimes making a coherent transition between thoughts is impossible. So to introduce the next bit of this post, I'm going to hand you off for a moment to this post about the 8th Doctor's "I'm not sure I've ever even been a man" quote from Interference. As op of that post says, the Doctor is genderqueer even by Gallifreyan standards- he's being questioned in that scene by another Gallifreyan, who doesn't understand his experience of gender.

The EDAs are full of "Eight is nonbinary" quotes, of course. Every queer fan who's ever engaged with them has a collection (and if anyone knows where that one google doc compilation that was going around awhile back went I'd be in your debt, because I'd love to know if my collection is missing any), but almost all those quotes refer to his genderqueerness in human terms, as observed by human companions, or in response to human assumptions. Except that one. Not only is Gallifrey's gender binary alive and well in a society where people can literally change their gender when they die, but the Doctor doesn't fit inside it.

All this to say that being a renegade Time Lord is a nonbinary thing to do. Especially the Doctor, with all sorts of weird Other Timeless nonsense in their biodata. Women stay on Gallifrey (or Karn!) and do magic and watch you. Men stay on Gallifrey and do science and watch other people. Renegades go out and do whatever they please. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

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So. Gallifrey has a gender binary. It's vestigial, a remnant of an earlier iteration of society with a much sharper male-female divide, and it doesn't make logical sense for it to exist. So: How does it manifest? And what function does its continued existence serve in the interests of the status quo and ruling class?

Let's take a look at 7th Doctor novel Lungbarrow.

Lungbarrow introduces us to (among many other things) the living Houses of the Time Lord Families, and to the family structures within: the patriarchal figure of the Kithriarch, the always-female Housekeeper, bound in her ritual marriage to the House itself, and hordes of petty squabbling Cousins.

Kithriarch is already an interesting title. It's obviously a gender neutral version of matriarch or patriarch, but the role itself seems to be almost entirely a male sort of thing in opposition to the feminine Housekeeper.

The Housekeeper, meanwhile, seems to be in a direct conceptual and societal line of descent from the Pythian priestesses: she can see anything within her domain, she has a psychic connection to the House, from whom she cannot hide anything, she can command the wooden Drudge servants and other House subsystems, she prioritizes the House above all where the Kithriarch is supposed to prioritize the Family. Women are frightening and powerful psychics. They know everything you want to keep secret, and prioritize the collective.

(There's also something here about how Lungbarrow presents duelling dualities--the Doctor and the Master, the CIA head and the Lord President, the Kithriarch and the Housekeeper, the masculine and the feminine--but I haven't quite tied it into the rest of this yet.) (Although while we're mentioning the Master. He's girlcoded by Gallifreyan standards and the Rani is boycoded by the same. I will not be expanding on this at this time just trust me.)

I think Housekeepers and women who want to be Housekeepers try to keep their self-image as women strong enough that they never regenerate into a male body (whatever a '"male body" means, of course, but I'm not sure Time Lords have gotten that far in their queer theory yet). I also think that there are more female Kithriarchs than male Housekeepers, because Housekeeper is much more heavily ritualized role in keeping with the Pythia's more ritualized general vibe, but I do think female Kithriarchs are still few and far between.

I also think that these are probably the most explicitly gendered occupations on Gallifrey, although of course you'll see some drift. Most women are out there getting the same scientific, military, and bureaucratic positions as men. But there's this lingering specter of gender roles, a Pythia-shaped hole that exists around the concept of womanhood. As my cowriter put it when we were talking about this, an "ideal of womanhood. not ‘ideal’ as in desirable, [but] ‘ideal’ as in the quintessential image of the thing."

This is further amplified by the continued existence of the Pythians in the form of the Sisterhood of Karn, living in their perfectly functional all-women magic society just out of sight. Their presence at the edge of the Gallifreyan consciousness must haunt the Time Lords, as any imperialist power is haunted by its own past and its own ultimate impotence.

Because that's the other thing. Gender roles are, to quote my cowriter again, "stupid and antiquated and historically potent tools of authoritarianism." Of course the Time Lords have them. Have you seen them?

They're tools of control, of conformity, of idealizing the past. Of conservatism. Consider, to once more quote my cowriter, "the weird traditionalist psychosis of having gender roles in a society that can’t bear children."

The ideal woman on Gallifrey is still the Pythia, millenia or even billenia on. And the ideal man is still the Lord President Rassilon.

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[thank you for your time! if you liked this please consider checking out my fic Something Old, which is about lungbarrow, the adventuress of henrietta street, and the gallifreyan concept of marriage, and in the writing of which i initially articulated most of the thoughts in this post. i've previously characterized it as a fic that's actually a meta post. and please don't be too mean to me for anything i got wrong in here! i'm just a little guy]

[kawaakari-orchestra]

KWKO accouchement: is this a hiatus yet or are we just on break?~ ✨

Hi! Jay here. If you follow my main or received that information by means unknown to me, then you already know the last batch of area conversations was the last one... For now.

With a whopping 57 dialogues and not a sign of a coherent plot in sight, we've reached the point where it's impossible to write more area conversations or answer around 90% of the questions currently in the askbox without going into spoiler territory - something I would rather avoid. In other words, it's about time for me to start working on something I've been putting off for very, very long time - writing KWKO Main Story.

After much creative deliberation I have decided to opt for a different format than just writing it out like a novel - that being imitation of pjsk event reader websites like pjsk wiki and sekai.best. There are absolutely drawbacks to this, with some of them being quite substantial; lack of live2d will not do dialogue justice like visual novels do.

With that said, there are also a lot of benefits, most prominently, being able to switch POV at any time and keeping closer to pjsk's spirit, as well as very significantly cutting down my own workload.

At some point (unclear as of now) I will also be adapting the main story, and probably most if not all of the events, into fanfic format as well, but for now I want to focus on actually finishing it and presenting it in a readable condition before the end of August. That won't be happening unless I fully focus on doing just that, so all of the other activities will be temporarily put on hold.

Askbox is considered closed; I may or may not answer the ones I already have on my own discretion. The function itself will remain active for the sake of fanart or otherwise fan-content submissions as well as the opportunity to contact me directly. Please do not use it for the other purposes.

Fanart and other types of content will be reblogged as normal if the original posters wishes so (just tag me!)

I will also finish, and will at some point post the rest of the cast's rooms, but that is probably all this blog will post until a later notice.

What after?

Well, after I'm done with the writing part, I'll probably have to code an entire website to actually post the thing. I've no experience with coding, but I have curiosity and a lot of stubbornness, so we'll see what comes out of it. It's going to be a journey for sure.

Regardless, the story will be made public chapter by chapter after that; roughly once in 2-3 days.

After the prologue, this blog will host a vote for character 1★ side-stories, and those will be posted accordingly (e.g whoever comes in first will get their first side-story posted first, then second and third etc until we get to the last place, then the same cycle repeats with second side-stories). The same process will repeat after chapter 20 with characters' 2★ stories and eventually with initial 3★, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

More area conversations will be added after the entire story will be made public; I'm not sure about total number but should be around 10-15 of those.

Other than that... We'll wait and see!

I am once again extemely grateful for all the attention and love these kids are getting, and I couldn't have possibly expected that; I never thought we'll get as far as we do, but this is exactly why more thorough writing is sorely needed.

I'll be at @shiraishi--kanade as usual; you can sometimes catch me talking about these guys by #jay rambles about ocs.txt tag, mainly about the writing/planning process of it. Beware of spoilers though!

Until we meet again!

—🌻

[ post dividers by @/cafekitsune! ]

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

Books I’ve read so far in 2022!

Friend me on Goodreads here to follow my more up to date reading journey for the year!

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163. Small Favors by Erin A. Craig--⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

I really wanted to read this book because a few of my friends had read it and really enjoyed it. While this reminded me of AGNES AT THE END OF THE WORLD, I think it definitely felt like a much slower read.

SMALL FAVORS is one of those books that needs to be read on a summer afternoon with the sound of bees buzzing around you. It was definitely an incredibly atmospheric read. While I personally found it to be a little TOO slow of a build up to the setting and mood of the story, I can see why so many people have fallen in love with this creepy story. There are some great characters and a potential romance/romantic drama to keep you hooked. The commentary on sexism and misogyny were pretty great and I at times wanted to slap a wall because of the annoying male characters in the MC's life. The slow build up of madness in the small town, the unknown year, and the creepy woods all made for an interesting experience . The unknown year was especially intriguing because it made me think: Is this a cult or something? Or is it actually over a hundred years ago and I just missed that point? I also have a few questions about some potential plot holes, but I won't mention them because spoilers. So, to end this short and rambling review, this story had some enjoyable themes and great build up of tension in the town. I do think it could have been much shorter, but I know I am in the minority. Stuff does pick up at the end, but I found it to be a little too quickly, ironically. I'd recommend this to horror fans that love that super slow build up of terror and those who also love tales about things that go bump in the night and could potentially rip you to pieces.

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164. Beautiful Country by Qian Julie Wang--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Every time I come across a book about immigration, I add it to my TBR immediately because I know it will be a) super relatable and b) an incredibly powerful reading experience. Also, this quest of mine to read more immigration stories sometimes has me picking up autobiographies like this one and I'm so glad for it. I've been reading the series FRONT DESK by Kelly Yang (if you haven't picked up this middle grade series, I highly recommend you do--especially if you loved this book), and I have always thought about the immigration experience of Asian families--especially during the 80s and 90s. BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY gave me that experience I've been curious about and I honestly couldn't help but be drawn to the similarities and how I could finally read a nonfiction experience that is so close to a fictional story I love so much. Qian Julie Wang shows us in her book not only the xenophobia her family faced when they moved to the US, but also the poverty, and stereotypes kids often face when they have yet to learn English (or any new language). The latter brought back memories of my time trying to learn English and the bullying I sometimes endured because of a mispronounced word, or the assumption that I was weak and dumb because I didn't know English like a native-born speaker. I wanted to give young Qian a big hug when she was experiencing this because of the added fear put into her that to speak up meant attention, and attention was something her father never wanted her to grab. The story also explores the complex relationship and expectations between children of immigrants and immigrant parents. I do think that some children are denied that naïveté that sometimes comes with being a young age and Qian was no different. The jarring conversations she sometimes had with her mother, or the way other adults would talk down to her ABOUT her family was incredibly off-putting. It shows us that not only do these struggling families have to deal with xenophobia, but they also have to deal with the judgment and prejudices of members in their own communities. I also want to comment on the fact that we get to see so much nineties commentary! The flashbacks to certain toys and activities that Qian wrote for us was quite the experience. I remember always getting some toys late because my immigrant parents had to work double time. Personally, in retrospect, I wish I had appreciated those items more. Especially now that I fully know the scope of just how hard they worked. One last thing: I never even thought about other immigrants doing this, but Qian comments on "shopping days" and it brought back so many memories. My parents used to do the same thing and I still have two of the bookcases that they acquired for me on those shopping days. While I am not a Chinese immigrant and my experience varied in many ways (one way being that we immigrated to Canada and not the US), I think books like Qian's are incredibly important because it helps other immigrants see that they are not alone. Your experience is uniquely yours, but you are not the only one experiencing immigration struggles. Books that touch on the poverty, the xenophobia, and the stereotypes placed on non-native speakers hold a special place in my heart. This was an incredible book and I think it's important for many people to read it.

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165. The Sun Down Motel by Simone St. James--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I have been having a really weird reading experience over the last couple of weeks and I blame being burnt out on audiobooks. Needless to say, I almost DNFed this one because of my reading slump, not because of the book itself. One of the main reasons why I DIDN'T DNF this was because it was genuinely entertaining. I loved the spooky aspects and the true crime plot line. I'm usually put off by the back and forth of timelines, but I think this story seriously benefitted from the author choosing to present the story like this. I also liked the slow reveal and the tragic consequence of actions that can very much be compared to moments in our very real history where certain things have been ignored, or certain people have been set free when it was known that something bad was about to happen. Also, the conclusion was very fitting. If you like super atmospheric paranormal murder mysteries, then you might really enjoy this one. Also, don't read this with the lights off.

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166. Debating Darcy by Sayantani DasGupta--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I enjoyed this a lot more than I thought I would! This was a very quick adaptation of PRIDE & PREJUDICE and I thought it was entertaining to see the story presented in such a unique setting. I found the quotes from P&P put into the book hilarious because it worked really well with the whole theme of elocution. Especially that last monologue from a certain character we all know has a big speech at the end that Elizabeth puts in her place. I enjoyed the discussion of sexism in debate competitions because I had no idea. I also found that since this theme was explored in this book, a certain situation played well into the message. The MC was spectacularly prideful, to the point where I was thinking, "Girl, again?" Is this a perfect read? No. Is it fun with some cute characters and some interesting commentary that teens might have (because teenagers are more vocal than some adults think they are--stop underestimating them)? Absolutely. ___

167. The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

This was an interesting and quick listen. I didn't know what to expect and I'm glad I went in blind. Time is something that so many of us take for granted and then wish we could have it back, have more of it, or have less of it when life hits us with big moments. Whether we are suffering from grief, are afraid of what comes next, or wish we weren't spending all of our time feeling lonely, I think appreciating the time we actually have is an important thing. Albom's book explores two characters who have vastly different time-related situations. It also explores the consequences of wanting more than we are given because of the fear of the grief that comes with letting go. Read this if you want some introspection about the time you're given, but TW for suicide, depression, cancer, and grief.

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168. Hard Hitter by Sarina Bowen--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

While I enjoyed this one for the most part (the spice and the sexual tension were great in this one), the female MC had me thinking "Come on, girl" a couple of times regarding the decisions she would make. I loved that this one had an edge of suspense to it. It felt slightly different than other Bowen books I've read. Much like the last two books I read in this series, this one also dealt with some heavier themes and I highly recommend you check out the trigger warnings! I will happily continue with this series because I am loving the hockey guys and the women they meet. I also love this author's writing and the tension she creates between the couples in each book.

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Have you read any of these? Would you recommend them?

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Happy reading!

[mama-qwerty]

How did you develop your writing style and what advice would you give to writers who may be struggling with their voice?

Oh, great question.

I found a good breakdown between style and voice from WritersDigest.com:

"Here's the breakdown: Voice is your own. It’s a developed way of writing that sets you apart from other writers (hopefully). It’s your personality coming through on the page, by your language use and word choice. When you read a Dave Barry column, you know it’s his. Why? He’s developed a distinct writing voice.

Style is much broader than voice. Some writers have a writing style that’s very ornate—long, complex, and beautiful sentences, packed with metaphors and imagery (think Frank McCourt and John Irving). Others have a more straightforward style—sparse prose, simple sentences, etc."

I've always considered my style as more conversational, like if I were simply telling the story verbally to someone. (Which I cannot do to save my life. I am a HORRIBLE verbal storyteller. That's why I write.) I don't tend to be very formal or ornate, and try to keep dialog as natural sounding as possible. I could probably stand to be a little more descriptive in the scenery and details, but have a tendancy to ramble, so a lot of the time I try to just 'stick with the story' so to speak. But I should probably work on that.

As far as advice for others--I would suggest finding some authors you like and pay attention to what you like of their writing. If Author A does dialog really well, kind of study what you like about it and try to incorporate it into your writing. If Author B paints really nice scenes with prose you like, then try your hand at that. I think a lot of writers are inspired and influenced by their favorite authors. It's still your writing--you're simply using what you already like (and maybe couldn't put a finger on until you saw it in someone else's work) and put your own spin on it.

I've done a lot of reading (Stephen King, Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, etc) and I think some of my style may have been influenced by theirs. A lot of kind of blunt sentences, not really flowery or burdened by overly complex metaphors or imagery. If a cave is dark and wet, I call it dark and wet. I'm just trying to tell a story, not wax poetic about the eternal nothingness of darkness. It's a dark cave. Moving on.

Ultimately, I think writing is an extension of your personality, and who you are. If you are someone who loves to paint grand images with lots of theorizing about the meaning of life, then go for it. If you are someone who prefers to just get to the meat of the story without a lot of fanfare and overly drawn out descriptions and similies, then knock yourself out. My style and voice has changed through the years (I started writing fanfic in the 90s for Hey, Arnold! and some of my older stuff is kind of . . . rough compared to my newer works) but I think the underlying foundation is there, even in the early stuff. I've just refined it as I wrote more.

Hope this helps! Don't hesitate to reach out for more encouragement!

[ask-the-crimson-king]

Music Shill of the Day: "JUDAS" by Lord of the Lost

PART 1 of 2: "DAMNATION"

Welcome to my Music Shill on the album "Judas" by Lord of the Lost. I think it's the first or second time I've shilled them, and it's honestly due to the fact that I've only found them quite recently. And they just so happened to be releasing a new album. Lucky me.

I will be going through each of the tracks with various ratings, gushing, and general nerdy bullshit on why I like them. Don't expect anything to be really technical, I'm just an average listener. And if you want the theological side of things, ask my friend @hoholupercal-adopts for that. Overall this album is fucking beautiful and is generally fantastic. There are some I like more than others, but please go out and give these songs a listen. And maybe buy the album as well if you vibe with it.

LINKS WILL BE PROVIDED TO THE SONGS MENTIONED. I will also be doing a 1-10 rating system, where this is the scale: 1 - garbage. Horrible. Wow this just sucks. 5 - average. It's decent. It's workable. Not horrible, not great either. 10 - fantastic. An absolute banger. Holy shit. This is so great.

Yes it is entirely subjective. And since this rambling has taken up so much space, I will be putting the actual songs and ratings under the cut, but have a link to the album via Youtube anyway.

ONWARDS, FRIENDS!

1. "Priest" - 10/10

Starting off EXTREMELY STRONG with the song that really got me hyped about the album, we have Priest.

What is there not to love on this album? The drums at the beginning, the ethereal and light singing, and how Chris' vocals pair with them right into those nice, deep "PRIEST." screams. The first verse builds on the opening with that nice riff in the background as intensity builds, and then...

That. Fucking. CHORUS. It sounds so fucking good. I can't accurately state how much I love it actually. Chris' vocals sound wonderful. I love how flowy it is and how much power is within the chorus, I love Pi's backing "We're all at- we're all at - we're all at fault", I love everything about it. I just can't understate it. The fucking sheer intensity this song brings all the way through, then the break for that moment of calm, and then going right into the last chorus...

Perfect. Wonderful. Beautiful. I listened to this song non-stop when it was originally released as a single. It inspired a small piece of writing from me too. It's so good. It's too fucking good. Fantastic opener for the album. What could possibly succeed this amazing fucking track?

2. "For They Know Not What They Do" - 8/10

Another great one. Not as great as Priest, but still a great song overall.

The opening is very interesting but kinda thematic for the album moving forward. It uses a chorus in the opening and closing of the track, which happens to be only 5 people layered over each other many times, and this chorus shows up in several tracks throughout the record. With only the exception of "Viva Vendetta", which had a full chorus of 386 people. That aside, it does sound quite nice. It is indeed a banger.

The lyrics are very repetitive, but it works very well for the song. They don't sound boring or tiring, but the song is more low-key than Priest. Though its chorus is much more reliant on Chris' screams than its predecessor, and the screams do sound great when contrasted by his cleans for the rest of the chorus. The piano melody in the back also sounds beautiful for the entire duration of the song.

A wonderful song, it still slaps immensely. So the album is going pretty strong, but already these two songs were released ahead of the album. What does the first 'new' song of the album have to offer?

3. "Your Star Has Led You Astray" - 8/10

It has a LOT to offer, actually.

It is more intense and a bit more powerful than For They Know Not What They Do, and I do like this song a bit more. I just don't want to do something like '8.3/10' cause if these songs were on a tierlist they'd be in the same tier.

The organ underlying everything is a very subtle touch, and it's a very welcome one. It lends to this feeling of this being a prayer or a confession within a church, perhaps of someone confiding in some sort of priest. Or someone being scorned by a priest or religious figure.

The choir in the background, which also comes out more prominently towards the end of the song, also lends more to this preacher/church vibe that the song has. The instrumentals outside of that act as almost a sort of contrast, at least with the guitar/bass lines. They feel very heavy, very intense, while the piano, vocals, choir, and organ have a more light and almost somber feel. It blends very well and makes for a wonderful song.

So far, so good. Now, what's next?

4. Born With a Broken Heart - 10/10

ABSOLUTE. BANGER.

And I almost thought this may be a Primal Fear cover when I first saw the track title a few weeks back.

While the two tracks proceeding it were more low-key, with some nice heavier feeling added in, this returns to a more heavy and weighty and intense sound. The verses sound groovy and almost bouncy, with the guitars taking a bit of a backseat when the vocals begin. I think it's a great contrast to the rest of the song itself, where they have that same sort of constant sound that they had in Priest.

The chorus is slower, but still carries all the power and weight of the verses right along with them. The vocals on this track are beautiful and wonderful and I adore the immensely. Once more the organ is a very subtle and great touch. Once more, the choir in the back sounds wonderful, and the singled out solo voice of Scarlet Dorn (I believe that's her) sounds as light and moving as it did in Priest.

Overall, amazing song. Absolutely slaps immensely. Love it.

Already a third of the way through disc 1. What can follow this pattern?

5. "The 13th" - 7/10

It is a good song. It is above average. It isn't entirely my style, but I can see others definitely vibing to it. It's very somber, it's very slow, but it still carries weight to it. Also the tie-in to Born With a Broken Heart is nice.

The organs here take a more prominent role in the song, which is nice. The synths in the back of the song are something that I find to be interesting, but not something that I really vibe with. They almost sort of clash with the overall feel of the song in my opinion.

The chorus is very nice, and feels on the same level of Born with a Broken Heart in terms of emotional intensity. This is most certainly a more somber piece for sure. It's much more sorrowful. The vocals are great, the overall instrumentals are fine, this is a good song. Just not one that I enjoy as much as other entries.

With all that being said, onward to the next song!

6. "In the Field of Blood" - 9/10

Alright. I can see people waving phones and lighters to this song already.

Another slower, somber sounding song. But this one is done better than The 13th in my humble opinion. There isn't the odd synth, the piano returns, there's some nice bits of stringwork done around the verses, and it feels more like a classic metal ballad. The piano in the chorus paired with the vocals sounds very, very nice. I love it.

It picks up a bit in terms of intensity for the bridge, when there is a small key change and the introduction of some screams. It transitions very smoothly into a nice chorus, and then there is a nice, pleasant sounding groove to lead the song out.

Heavy, slow, sad, but wonderful. Remorseful as well. Very well done.

7. "2000 Years a Pyre" - 8/10

A really, really good song. Another slower, heavier piece. But it sounds very nice.

The only thing I don't like is how this is the third track now with a chorus that sounds kinda samey. It's another with a beautiful piano accompaniment to the vocals, and sounds alltogether very sorrowful. Which is a good theme since this is the "damnation" of Judas thus far.

However, the song has a nice vibe and beat to it. The choir backing the chorus sounds great. The ending distortion and the ramping of how heavy it is for a bridge is very cool as well. Not quite an absolute 10/10 banger, but still a very good song.

8. "Death is Just a Kiss Away" - 10/10

I. AM. A. BITCH. FOR. GOOD. STRINGS.

AND THIS SONG DEFINITELY HAS THAT. AND! It has the leitmotif taking a much more central role. It's the tune of the verse, and it comes back several times across the record.

And man do I love how its played in the opening. I love the strings, the organ, the piano, how everything slowly keeps building and building over the course of the song. It doesn't just feel the same sort of somber and sad as some of the other tracks do. It builds and builds and builds, ending with Chris' vocals sounding more powerful and much more confident.

The lyrics sound almost like a conversation or some sort of Shakespearean lament. Okay, sure, the other songs do too, but I still love them nonetheless. I also like how the guitars and most of the heavier elements of LOTL as a band take a break for this piece.

I love this song. Love it to death. The choir at the end is a great touch as well. So good.

9. "The Heart is a Traitor" - 9/10

AH, YES. The 90s metalcore sounding song. Hell yeah.

This song kicks ass. A return to the intensity found to open the album, and a style that is reminscent of Born with a Broken Heart but with more of that heavy metal feeling for the chorus.

Here, the instrumentation of the song relies more on the classic bits of LOTL - guitars, some piano, the drums, and some bass. There is also some synth added in, but of course there is. I was almost nervous cause I didn't like the vibe or feel of the synths used in The 13th, but they work really well here. It follows the guitars really well, and it blends into the overall song wonderfully. Plus it helps out that 90s vibe.

The vocals are wonderful as well, with nice screams mixed among the powerful, gravelly sounding choruses and cleaner verses. Overall, wonderful song.

Almost done. ONWARDS!

10. "Euphoria" - 8/10

It sounds very nice. It is slow, deliberate, it has good pacing. The piano sounds very light, and I get visions of something like A Christmas Carol from the song. It has the late December or just a cold winter's night vibes.

Once more, the heavier elements are absent for a good deal of the song, but they do eventually kick in. The build up is great, it is well done, but not as well as Death is Just a Kiss Away to me. Still, the song is very good. Powerful and soft vocals with a nice slow rhythm on drums and a pleasant piano in the back works wonderfully.

A great song, to be sure.

11. "Be Still and Know" - 9/10

The first instrumental track on the record, and it's got the entire band on display here.

The intro is intense, and it brings back the leitmotif as well. The guitar solo is grand, especially how it ties into the leitmotif towards its end.

The song itself serves as a good almost-midway point for the album. A chance to breathe and feel, a chance to listen and enjoy. Of course, you can get that with the other 10 songs too, but there's just something about an instrumental track acting as a great checkpoint that's very refreshing. Even with one that carries such a heavy and powerful rhythm to it.

A wonderful, beautiful piece. Very, very well done. Very enjoyable.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST...

12. "The Death of All Colours" - 10/10

An acapella piece to see the end of disc 1, and once more the leitmotif is on display through the vocals themselves.

Well, of course they are, there's only the vocals to be heard. But you know what I mean -- last track had them in the instrumentals, this one has them in the vocals.

I love the lyrics here. I find myself singing this song often. It's simply too good not to. This song was already released a few weeks ahead of the album itself, but I hadn't heard it until I heard Priest.

It has power that slowly dwindles as the song ends, and carries with it these sadder and more somber themes. It's a wonderful piece in and of itself. In fact I didn't even realize it was acapella until I saw the "Track by Track" video for it on LOTL's YT channel. It feels whole and complete. A great song. Absolutely fantastic. Great way to end the first half of the dual-album.

Final thoughts will be shared in a separate post, but overall, already there are plenty of really, really solid songs here. I love all of them. Not one do I think is particularly bad or even really just 'meh' thus far. Will this change in disc 2?

FIND OUT IN... About an hour and a half? Maybe? Or maybe just wait for the reblog that'll come at a more reasonable hour.

[thewhizzyhead]

you very much Should Keep going (if you’d like) I’m reading your tags like 👀👀👀 I wanna know More!!!

dude believe me i only just thought up 90% 9f this while doing my math homework last night so yea this is very barebones and this is very very new have very little to offer but um imma try to explain a bit more fjdjdc SO ANYWAYS GRADE 11

Warning: this is very long and I am very sorry aaAAAA also i only just thought of this last night and a while ago while attending class so um yea it's chaotic.

the songs i've mentioned so far in the tag ramble aren't um consecutive so yeah there are a lot of blank spaces in between fjsjsj and yea I haven't figured out the other leads and their arcs yet (probably 5-6 leads). for now um the planned songs feature 3 of the leads:

Kate - basically answers the question of What If Eva Sanchez Was The Protagonist and What If Eva Sanchez Saw The Hell That Is Don't Even (in this show, this song is called "Anakpota?" or "The Fuck?"); she's a transferee and is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the new school environment; her reasons for transferring run a bit deeper than just "humanities is a lot more interesting than stem or business shits"; i guess her main character themes are burnout, the want for childlike wonder again and overcoming the fear that comes with chasing what you really want and no i am definitely not self projecting what are you guys talking about smh rhhdhs /hj (altho i admit that this is loosely based on my own experience with deciding to transfer schools) and yea she's a very closeted lesbian that slowly starts to comes out to others and to herself more throughout the course of the show. and also she gets a girlfriend YAY

Noel - rn i don't have that much planned out for him cause u know barebones plot but so far um i guess he's the chill dude, overall good guy, rantaro amami from danganronpa v3 vibes, and he's initially framed as the "love interest" for Kate esp in the song "Ikaw Ba Ay..." or "Are You..." (i wanted that to be a play on the typical Filipino Teen Hetero Romance CAUSE THAT SHIT IS IN EVERYWHERE JFJSJD I AM GONNA MAKE A WHOLEASS RANT ON THAT SOON AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME) but surprise motherfucker BOTH OF THEM ARE GAY AND BOTH BOND OVER IT AND BECOME BEST FRIENDS YAY WOOOO i kinda want him to be like the typical "Filipino Teen Heartthrob" star student with the twist being that he's gay and not make that a throwaway joke cause um yea that's a throwaway joke here that someone who is real catch for the heteros but is actually gay is "sayang" or "worthless" here.

Ella - ngl she is probably gonna end up as the main lead here fjdjd i'd say she has riley+chess vibes aka The School's Hotshot Achiever and Student Leader That Is Very Intimidating But Is Actually Really Freaking Kind and i guess with a dash of Kate Dalton-ish snark. Like i said the plot is barebones rn so i dunno anything but i do imagine them being the one that drives the plot forward due to her outspokenness. I also imagine her to be the one (along with Noel) that makes Kate a lil bit more comfortable with her sexuality and yup you guessed it Ella is gay too (bi to be specific oh and she uses she/they pronouns) and altho still a bit closeted, they're a bit more comfy with it. also they become Kate's gf yay!

those are the leads that i have kinda planned out so far but yea i still gotta expound kna lot of atuff and make up more leads for this but then again i just started conceptualizing this last night so ANYWAYS HERE ARE THE OTHERS SONGS THAT I LITERALLY JUST THOUGHT UP LAST NIGHT (aside from the ones already mentioned)

+ "Nakakapanibago" or "Well This Is New" - Ella and Kate work together on a school project aaand gay panic ensues. both of them take turns in addressing the audience and panicking over each other in um er an "Oh My God She's Very Fucking Cute What The Fuck" way. it kinda has What Is This Feeling from Wicked vibes if you remove the aggression and antagonization jdjsd and i kinda emphasize on how overwhelmed they are cause for Kate, everything - from the school to the subjects to the people - is new and her attraction to Ella is like a cherry bomb on top of a chaos cake while for Ella, who has studied in the school since kindergarten which is why nothing about the school fazes her anymore, Kate is a literal breath of fresh air and the spontaneity scares them and excites them at the same time. The number is comedic (and is chance for me to add a shit ton of wordplay cause yAY WORDPLAY) but i guess also hints at their fears which will definitely come into play later.

+ "Mabuting Laban" or "Good Fight" - a group number led by Ella, this is the first song in the musical that isn't mostly comedic. like um the musical so far (before this song) is mostly somewhat of a parody-just-for-laughs-don't-take-this-seriously piece but with this, the show finally hints to something a lot more serious and insightful. so basically ella tells kate (this scene comes right after the Nakakapanibago sequence) that they have noticed that the latter is um very very shocked at the blatant show of LGBTQ+ stuff. Kate mentions that altho many students have since then spoke up for LGBTQ+ acceptance, things were a lot more conservative back in her former school (once again wooo definitely not self projection /hj) so like seeing all this is very new to her. Ella then mentions that things weren't always like that - a lot of fighting had to be done in order to get to that point. and because most of the students already were branded with a rebellious reputation (for a lot of delinquent behavior), they really didn't give a fuck anymore if they were being controversial or not. What mattered was that they would make the school environment a lot more welcoming for themselves and for others. That sentiment is also shared by other leads singing along as they go out of their way to ensure a much better environment for everyone (in terms of lgbtq+ rights, undoing the stigmatization of mental health matters, student activism yadda yadda)

(oh and also this kinda serves as something that bridges the prejudices between the two schools since Ella's school is famous for a lot of student delinquency while Kate's former school is famous for being known as the "Best School In The Region With The Best Students" (which is why Ella understands why the students in Kate's school are a bit more hesitant to speak up because Kate's former schoolmates got way too much to lose) and the rivalry those schools have with each other cause students from ella's school think those from kate's school are pompous little shits while those from kate's school think that ella's schoolmates are delinquents and yes this is commentary on the dynamic my former school'scstudents and my current school's students share) (i should probably give this its own song)

+ "Ayoko" or " I Don't Want It" - (this does not come right after Mabuting Laban fjsjd i honestly dunno where to put this) this comes right after a conversation regarding her reputation in her former school and yea this is Kate poking fun at the "I Want" song musical trope. Like um she addresses the audience saying something along the lines of "oooohh wow complicated backstory exposition! you are probably expecting a song rn ala "How Far I'll Go" from Moana but guess what bitches fuck you all cause i'm gonna sing a song about the things I don't want just to fucking annoy you." it starts off as incredibly satirical and um Kate Dalton-vibes all throughout the scene with lots of pettiness which will then gradually transition to her singing about how she threw all the opportunities presented to her by the former school just because she really didn't want to do them and was tired of saying "yes" just to be enough for them. She then starts singing about her taking control of her own narrative by finally leaving the school. She still laments about those lost opportunities and admits that she still kinda wants to pursue those, but if she has to sacrifice rest for greatness, then she doesn't want it. The song ends with a verse akin to most I Want songs as she finally admits what she really wants the most: rest and wonder.

also here's a verse i made up just a while ago

Diyos ko, sabihin mo, ano pa ang kailangan kong gawin/upang mabawi ang mga ninakaw sa akin/upang maibalik ang pag-asang nawala/upang sa wakas ako'y makakapagpahinga/sapagkat hindi na ako nagnanais ng kadakilaan/ang hinihingi ko lamang ay ang aking kabataan

translation (i'll try my best to make it rhyme): My God, tell me, what else do i have to do/so I can take back all that they have taken from me/so that I can bring back the hope I've long so been deprived of/so that for once in my life, I'll be able to breathe/ cause I no longer want all the greatness that you say I could've had/ I only want to wonder, I only want my childhood back

+ "Halos Lagi Nalang"or "Almost Always The Same" - if this sounds familiar yes i rambled about this before gjdjdjd I started conceptualizing this song even before i even started conceptualizing the musical. So yea this is in Act 2 the song starts with mentioning the exhaustion that comes with being an LGBTQ+ teen in the philippines cause yup same old conservative religious bullshit same old same old shit and despite many a lot of people advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, nothing ever changes around here because well conservative religious bullshit. so yea this is kind of an extension of "Good Fight" but make it more about the burnout felt by a lot of teens that want something better than whatever we have right now. Then it will also apply to the other causes that the leads fight for (activism,destigmatization of mental health stuffs, etc). I'd say it's a combination of Before the Breakdown + Move On musically speaking (yea PMA has influenced me by a LOT). eventually this becomes one of the star numbers fo the show cause yea all the leads will do a shit ton of singing and harmonizing (but for here i'd say Noel and Kate have a tiny bit more of the spotlight since for now they are the ones with the very LGBTQ+ based plotlines). I really REEAAALLY want this song to work aaaa i've been playing around with the melody a lot recently and if i can't write the whole musical, then i'll be content with at the very least writing this song

+ "Try Lang Natin" or "Let's Try It Out" - this is a very barebones sequence atm but basically it's a scene where both Kate and Ella come to terms with their fears related to uncertainty and go "fuck it we don't know jackshit about the future anyway so why not ondulge a bit and ejoy what we have today" and decide to start going out with each other YAYYYYY and also this is like one of the few scenes here were Ella is much more visibly nervous compared to everyone else in the scene so yay for helping each other come to terms with their own vulnerabilities WOOOOO (also paige i remember you saying once that kate and eva could've had a Forever reprise duet right? And correct me if i'm wrong but i think u said it could be about eva assuring kate that she won't go anywhere? WELP I'M STEALING THAT JFJSJJDF /lh /hj AND YUP KATE AND ELLA ARE BASICALLY UM KINDA KATEVA IF YOU SQUINT SO THANK YOU PAIGE FOR THAT IDEAAAA)

AND THAT'S IT SO FAR WOO THIS TOOK ME 5 HOURS TO TYPE IT ALL OUT FJDJSJFF i'm kinda impressed with this ngl considering that i literally started making this up last night and i hope that i can make something out of it woo

And if you guys somehow reached the end of the post and have read every single thing, I'm sending you a lot of hugs and a lot of milkshakes

[writingwithadinosaur]

“90″ - Oneshot

“90” - Oneshot

My Masterlist - Here

My Tag List - Here

Plantonic!Gil Arroyo x Reader

(Mentioned) Sibling!Malcolm Bright x Sibling!Reader

Word Count: 2,145

Key: Y/N = Your Name, H/C = Your Hair Color, E/C = Your Eye Color Chunks or lines of text that are in italics means that it's (Y/N)’s thoughts.

Warnings: Cursing, mentions of murder, mentions of trauma (Whitly)

Summary: While out on a lunch break with your boss, you find out that your brother is back in town. Unsure of what to do, Gil tries to give some advice. 

Author’s Note: So I had an idea while at work because I find myself thinking a lot about crime shows at work. The line that Gil says “Should have said 90. 100 I know you’re lying” really stuck with me for some reason. So I thought, what if he was told that by Malcolm’s sister, only to use it on him later? And boom, here we are.

It’s not my best, but I thought it was a cute oneshot ramble thing. 

This takes place right before season 1 episode 1. 

This was not beta-read, so please let me know if there are any errors! 

If you would like to be tagged in any of my future pieces, check out my tag list above and let me know! And as always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

<3

- DreaSaurusREX

~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to your father messing your family up from a young age, abnormal and criminal psychology seemed to be a “natural” path for you and your brother to end up going down. Words cannot describe the negative effect that Dr. Martin Whitly had and continues to have on your life. Growing up and really realizing the awful things he did to those women, your brother, and you made you see the world for what it truly is: Chaotic, painful, and full of surprises (both good and bad.) You saw that there were more monsters like him out there and you wanted to figure out who and where they were. 

While Malcolm went on to change his last name and run off to Quantico to try to help catch more of these deranged killers, you changed your last name and stayed closer to home. If there was one monster living in your own home, they really could be anywhere. 

Gil Arroyo was the officer that caught your father and helped make sure that your family was alright after The Surgeon was put away in Claremont Psychiatric. He helped you and Malcolm bond and grow as much as you could. While you did drift away from the rest of your family, you kept in contact with Malcolm and Gil.

As soon as you graduated college and walked into his office asking to be on his team, Gil knew he had to say yes. Not only to make sure you were safe, but also because he knew you had the ability to help get into a mindset that could help the team solve some of these trickier cases. 

Which leads to today, a normal lunch break. 

You and Gil went to a sub shop not too far from the station and got your usuals from Mr.Santos. While waiting, Gil was slightly shifting his feet, slightly visibly unsettled by something on his mind. You made your way to a table off to the side of the room and motioned for him to sit across from you.

“Go on and tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“Whatever's got your headspace all worked up.” Gil looked down and sighed out a slight laugh.

“What gave it away this time?”

“Do you really want to know?” Gil shrugged his shoulders and leaned back, trying to feign being comfortable even though he knew he was going to have to speak his mind sooner or later. You leaned forward, elbows on the table, slightly squinting your eyes, preparing for the rare chance to put the Gil Arroyo in his place.

“Well, for one, you haven’t been able to make eye contact or even look at me since we left the station. You’ve also had your arms crossed more than usual, which could be an attempt to make a physical barrier to whatever is creeping its way out of your mental barriers. Your jaw has been clenched for at least the last fifteen minutes, which means you’re at least slightly stressed about something. Do you want me to keep ripping you a new one, or do you want to just tell me what’s going on?”

Gil looked down to see that his arms were indeed crossed over his chest, he let out another sighed laugh, shook his head slightly, and dropped his arms. He took a deep breath.

“Malcolm is coming home.” Gill didn’t look up until after he spoke, trying to gauge your reaction. 

When Malcolm applied for Quantico, you were happy for him. That same day, you found out that he had been meeting with Dr.Whitly. You had made a choice to try to stay as distant from his as possible, and yet, Malcolm was visiting as if he wasn’t locked in there for murder. You didn’t even hear him out, you couldn’t fathom the idea of anyone wanting to visit that creature.

 It drove a spike between your relationship with your brother. You knew that you two would mend it and make up eventually. But you didn’t expect to have to talk to him so soon. 

One of the downsides to growing up like how you did and knowing so much about psychology now, you knew how to hide your emotions fairly well. Some would call it a blessing, especially working with the NYPD as a psychological analyst assistant. But right now, Gil hated it. 

“(Y/N)? You still with me?” Gil tapped your hand to try to get you to focus on the real conversation as opposed to your inner monologue. You shook your head and tried to put on a small smile.

“Yeah. I’m here. I’m fine.”

“Now I know that’s a lie.” 

“Oh really? And how do you know that?”

“Your real smile reaches your eyes. This one,” Gil pointed to your face, “is as fake as Pamela Anderson’s boobs.” A small chuckle left you at his choice of comparison. Gil now matched you and leaned on his elbows on the table. “Talk to me, kiddo. What’s going on in that big ole brain of yours?”

Leaning back, you started to play with your fingers as you tried to settle on a single question out of the handful that were swimming around your mind to ask right now.

“Do you know why he’s coming back?”

“From what I know, he got fired. Assaulted an officer.” 

“Must have deserved it.”

“Which one? Him or the officer”

“Honestly, either one.” Gil slightly chuckled, knowing your brother as long as he has, he could definitely see the punch landing either way.

“Well, I don’t know. But... you can ask him that yourself.” You raised a questioning brow at Gil as he paused, trying to choose his phrasing. “I think it would be good for you two to talk. Go get coffee, take a walk, something.”

“Really? You think it would be a good idea to reopen that broken door labeled ‘Warning! Malcolm Bright! Do not open?’”

“100%” Gil tried to smile, but similar to how he pointed out on you moments ago, his smile didn’t reach his eyes. 

Mr.Santos came to your table with your sandwiches wrapped up and some chips. The two of you thanked him before getting ready to head back to the station to eat. As you got back out to the sidewalk and fell in step with him, you spoke about the case that you were both working now. It wasn’t until you got back to the station that you spoke on what was bothering you.

“You should know better than to lie to me, Gil.”

“And what am I being accused of lying about now?” He couldn’t help but sound a bit annoyed as he opened the door to the conference room where you had all of your notes and evidence board set up. The two of you setting up lunch as you continue.

“When you were saying that it would be good for me to try to meet up with Malcolm, I asked if you were sure, and you said ‘100%.’” 

“And?” Gil asked, mouth half full of chips. 

“You should have said 90.” Gil looked at you, waiting to hear your reasoning. “100 I know you’re lying.” 

“You know I’m lying by me saying 100%?”

“There are very few things that we can say we know with 100% certainty. You of all people question the certainty of things. And with the subject being Malcolm, then there is no knowing how us trying to reconnect could go. And you know that. So--” 

“I just think that you could help him out.” Gil interrupted, not wanting to hear your whole dissertation on probability and chance. 

“So could you. You’re basically a father figure to us, albeit thanks to unfortunate circumstances.” 

“Yeah, but he knows that I usually bring cases, not social visits.” A slight sigh exhaled through your nose, knowing that he was at least partially right. “And I know damn well that he would like to see his sister.” Gil pointed his sandwich at you before taking a bite.

“That's the great thing about him having two sisters though. He can go talk to Ainsley. Although, I know she is like mother in the way that they are dreadfully draining to talk to.” Gil put his sandwich down, looking down at the table and taking another deep breath. “There’s more you’re not telling me.”

The only response you got from him was a hand pointing towards the evidence board. You looked at the board, trying to see if he was pointing to something specific. When you couldn’t make anything out, you looked back to meet Gil with a questioning look.

“I think having two profiler brains on this killer could be helpful.” You took a deep breath in through your nose as you leaned back in your chair, looking up at the ceiling slightly, everything clicking into place. 

“I see. You want us to make up so we’ll play nice when you eventually wave a case file in his face and drag him to the next crime scene.” You looked at Gil and saw him holding his hands out getting slightly defensive. 

“That’s not the only reason. I know you two are some of the best profilers in New York. You are also the only ones that can truly understand and help each other thanks to your... life experiences. So in order to try to help catch bad guys like how we want to, and help you two finally get the relationship back to where you want to, yes, I want you to make up and play nice.” 

You knew he was right and that this would be a smart move. You reach for your drink and take a sip. Your lack of response let Gil know that he had “won.”

“Plus, he feels bad for how things left off before he moved.”

The next few minutes were silent as the two of you finished your lunches. Gil got up to throw away your wrappers and such. As you thanked him, you turned to the evidence board and sipped on the last of your drink.

You tried to find more correlations or similarities between these victims, but you kept thinking of the same ones you already had written down. As much as you loved your team, they weren’t trained much when it comes to the thoughts and motives of a killer. 

You haven’t been able to have a psychologically focused and interesting conversation with anyone since Malcolm left for Quantico. He was always one of a select few that didn’t completely drain your social battery and understood how far to push you to challenge you without causing any damage. Malcolm understood your humor, your ups and downs, and how to really help you. And you understood the same thing for him.

You missed that. 

Maybe a mind like his would be refreshing and helpful nowadays.  

JT knocked on the door’s threshold before poking his head in, phone in hand. You swiveled your chair around, knowing what he was going to say.

“Uni’s called in from east side of 42nd. Something weird. All I could make out was ‘blood paint’ and ‘skin mural’ before they begged for backup.”

“Sounds like something right up your alley, (Y/N).” Gil turned to you. You nodded and started to stand up, gathering the last of your trash and tossing it in the can. 

You stopped before leaving the room. Looking down at the piles of case notes along the table, you couldn’t help but feel a little bit guilty about not finding this guy yet. All of these victims with no answers yet. Gil noticed and put a hand on your shoulder. Before he could say anything, you spoke.

“I’ll try and reach out to him. I can’t let this guy walk around doing this shit again and again. I need a brain like Malcolm’s to jump off of.” Gil just squeezed your shoulder before moving his hand gently to the scruff of your neck, ushering you towards the door so you could get to the crime scene. “I’ll see if he wants to go to that nice place off 16th. But I can’t promise anything.”

You stopped again before getting into the front seat of Gil’s car. Looking at him over the roof, you were a bit nervous now about meeting up with your brother. 

“Are you sure he actually wants to try to make up?”

Gil nodded his head side to side with a slight frown, as if he was weighing options in his head. 

“I would say 85, maybe 90%.” You rolled your eyes at him. “Hey! I’m learning this all from you! I’ll have to use that line next time someone says 100.” 

Gil smiled as he leaned down into the driver's seat, you followed and soon you were on your way to catch another monster. 

~~~~~~

Tag List - @melconnor2007 @ashenfallsof @geeksareunique @all-by-myself98 @sj-thefan @malindacath @shadowfoxey

[twilightofthe]

Aight, one last serious post for a bit. After that I think I might back off on some rants and stuff that I’ve been doing because I created this blog to be a positive place, and tbh, discussing stuff I don’t like just makes me upset, especially since I feel like I’m just shouting into either an unhearing void or at an audience that is watching and is distinctly unimpressed

Basically though, I wanted to apologize for the slightly salty posts I’ve made recently (and one like, yesterday lol) complaining about how people portray Anakin’s intelligence. I realize I came across as critical and accusatory of people who are just having fun and likely mean no harm, and it wasn’t fair of me to be all snappy about it. So yeah, I’m extremely sorry about that. I likely hurt people and that was not my intention. Please have fun and headcanon Anakin as anything you want. I love and support you and even if we can’t agree, we can def still be friends!

But, I will take this opportunity to kinda ramble a bit about my own personal experiences with this, and why I view Anakin the way I do, what his character means to me, and why it’s kinda exhausting sometimes to engage in fandom because I have the misfortune of having the unpopular opinion regarding a character, and how hard it is to respect other people’s takes when it seems that every time I give my own takes, it’s like I’m immediately shot down for them and refuted for the popular opinions, like I’m not allowed to believe this thing myself. Why I sometimes just gotta rant a little bit, and why no one should take it personal or as a criticism of them.

This below all delves very intricately into my own personal mindset and life experiences. It’s personal. Please remember this is a very personal post.

Now, to me, I totally understand Anakin has made every mistake in the world. I know he turns into a monster and hurts/(in)directly kills everyone he’s ever loved. I know that. I’m fully aware that he makes mistake after mistake after mistake. I know he’s a flawed character. I’m not saying he’s perfect. He’s far from it.

But at the same time, I can relate to parts of his character. His anxiety, his upset at not being able to live up to the standards he feels everyone’s putting on him when really no one is but him, the feeling of being constantly on the edge because you feel like your entire life is in a spiral and you don’t know how to stop it and every choice you make out of desperation makes things worse, how everyone around you just keeps making so much better choices and it’s like, why can’t I do that? What’s wrong with me? Why are they always right???????

And I love the fact that canonically, despite his utter disaster-ness, he has the potential to be good, to rise. That he is a canonical Gifted Kid, mega-intelligent but just totally unsure how to direct that so he flounders more often than not unless it’s in relation to his few specific interests, giving the feeling like I’m a fake and really there’s only one thing I’m good for. The need to do ANYTHING for validation from others because that’s what feeds you.

I’ve suffered this same insecurity and anxiety and self-hatred I can see in him my whole life, the same inability to properly manage my life like I’m supposed to and that everyone else seems to have figured out, how I could be so much more if I actually knew how to rise to the occasion instead of constantly crash and burn

I love Anakin so much because he is enough like me that I can sympathize and feel for him, but also different enough that when I see him tear down the path of self destruction, I can feel relief that I’m never at that point, and also sympathy that he fell that far (amidst my anger at him for hurting my other faves lol)

I LOVE that he has that ability to be smart and capable but just doesn’t know how to apply himself all the time, love it so much, and that’s why it’s a struggle sometimes when I feel that every time I try and say something showing off that side of him, like comment on something smart and creative he would have done, or something he HAS done right, immediately there’s people responding to me like UH NO ACTUALLY HE IS NOTHING BUT A PURE DUMBASS :) :) :))))))))))) HE DOESN’T HAVE THAT ABILITY/WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DO THAT BECAUSE IT’S TOO SMART/SENSIBLE/GOOD FOR HIS POOR FEEBLE MIND, PERHAPS YOU MEANT SOMEONE ELSE MORE CAPABLE?

I’m not kidding about this. I said Anakin was a good cook once? I immediately got a response saying no, he can’t be, he’s a feral gremlin who eats bugs. I tried to start a convo about him having an emotional/meaningful conversation with one of his loved ones about something because he notices something wrong with them? Someone instantly refuted me because “nah he’s too clueless and oblivious to have that kind of emotional sensitivity ever”. I write something in a fic that shows Anakin doing something cool? In comes a guest commenter passive aggressively with something along the lines of “oh your Anakin is SO MUCH smarter and capable than he should be it’s almost OOC, but I’ll believe it for now haha”

I’ve got more instances I can recount, but I’m stopping here. I totally respect people’s headcanons, and right to have fun, I do. I cannot stress enough that people can and should write what the want. But to me, when it feels like people don’t always want to ever consider my takes on his character, when it’s like fandom is constantly churning out reminders of how much they believe he doesn’t have a brain, well, like

It’s like, when you relate to a character like that and keep getting your opinions and ways to relate shut down by the majority no matter what you do or say, it just feels like everyone is telling me “SMART PEOPLE don’t ever fail at things! People with REAL gifts and talents don’t ever waste them or make mistakes. If you’re struggling, if you crash and burn, if you don’t quite have your life together, it can only mean you’re just plain stupid and a failure for the rest of your life. As a Fool, you can’t ever be considered successful or do something right— because that would be doing something Smart and you have Proven Yourself Dumb. All of your accomplishments and thing you’ve done right can either be attributed to someone else deemed More Capable, or could have been done better by something else, so those good things don’t mean anything. Since you acted the fool once, a fool is all you’ll ever be.”

I’ve struggled with that kind of talk from other people and especially from my own insecurities my entire life.

And I know that’s not what people really mean, I know fans are just sharing their headcanons. I know no one wants to hurt anyone, they’re just making a joke and having fun! I call Anakin a dumbass all the time! SW fandom is 99% good people who just wanna play with their own toys and gush about things that they love! I know this is like 90% good faith!

But it gets harder to believe sometimes the Dumb Anakin headcanons are just innocent headcanons and not genuine beliefs when people Will Not let me have different ones without playfully— or not so playfully —reminding me of how wrong they think I am and what they think about his intelligence level and abilities.

And because my own personal history with anxiety and self-destruction, being overwhelmed with that talk really just hurts, and I will never be able to make that hurt response go away, no matter how irrational it is.

But yeah. That’s how I relate to Anakin. That’s why I see him this way. That’s why I cannot resist complaining sometimes. I’ve been at a very low point recently and these negative thoughts have just been worse so I’ve been more cranky about it, but I promise I won’t bring it up too much.

Thanks for listening.

I’m probs not gonna post anything “rant”-related on here for a very long time— or do my damned hardest to try not to.

[sage-nebula]

ok I am sorry for not shutting up about pokemasters at all tonite but I always grin so much when I hear your Pokemon stories. this whole other world has permeated our lives so much, almost everyone in our generation has that One Story of when they imagined themselves in that world, its touched us all so much and whenever I hear people go off about their teams or their pokestories it just makes me grin. this is our world now and pokemasters does such good in celebrating it both past and present

Do not apologize, I am always ready to talk about Pokémon any time, any place, for any reason, with just about anyone.

It really is our world, like, we all live in a Pokémon World, and while it’s not exactly the same exact one (I do not have a real life Charizard or Dragapult and I will forever be sad about this), it’s close enough because Pokémon really has had that much of an impact. It’s made more money than any other media franchise. In Japan, it really is everywhere; I didn’t expect it to be, but it was, and I was completely taken aback by it. And it really is for everyone, young and old. Sure, it’s accessible and appropriate for children, but a lot of the merchandise is made for adults, and when I was in Japan, my friend Yume and I were ushered over to sit on a giant Lapras and take pictures by the staff, even though we initially hung back because we’re adults and we didn’t think that event was for us.

Pokémon is so special to me, and when I’m put on the spot (like in a verbal conversation) it’s hard for me to articulate why. Like my dad has asked me a few times why I like Pokémon, because he legitimately thought it was a fad I’d get bored of back in the ‘90s (and told me so), and I fumbled and all I could say was, “It’s fun, and I like the creatures and everything about it.” If I’m given time to think about it then I could go on endlessly about how Pokémon champions the bonds of trust and love between humans and their animal companions (which is why I get so irritated when people call it things like “G-rated dog fighting” because it really is not that at all if you know anything about what the franchise actually promotes), and how much that means to me. I could talk about how Pokémon is very much about striving to be the very best, but also more importantly to be your very best, not only in what you accomplish but also in how you treat others around you. I could talk about how interesting it is to study the ways in which Pokémon promotes individuality (“be the very best, like no one ever was”), while at the same time showing time and time again that no one can do everything alone, that it’s important to form bonds and have companions that you can rely on. 

If I’m given time to think about the things I like best about Pokémon, I could talk about all of that, and probably never shut up. (Especially when it comes to the bonds between humans and pokémon because that means so much to me, personally.) But when I’m put on the spot, I fumble for an answer because, as I told my dad, I love everything about it, so my brain short-circuits as it tries to figure out which thing to talk about first (and how to keep it concise because I know he doesn’t want to hear me ramble on forever). Thinking about Pokémon makes me so happy, and gives me this warm, comforted feeling. It’s my comfort series, really. (Or I guess comfort franchise, given that it encompasses so much.) I still have a few fiction interests that have stuck around since childhood (such as The Legend of Zelda, which I got into shortly after I got into Pokemon), but Pokemon is always the one that I’m most actively passionate about, the one that inspires me the most, the one that I know I’ll never turn away from no matter how many times The Pokemon Company or Junichi Masuda himself make me angry.

So all of that being said, yes, please talk to me about Pokémon any time, and I really agree with what you’ve said about Masters. There are things about it that I’m not so fond of (such as being gacha . . . I’ve spent far more money on it than I should have, and while not as bad as her since I never put myself in financial danger over it, I could relate on a level over Retsuko’s microtransaction woes at the beginning of s3), but I love, love, love how much it expands on characters that we otherwise see very little of in the games. This is especially true of characters from the earliest gens, since the early gens had so little story and content that their characters were never given room to come to life. PokéMasters gives that to us, along with so much more (such as seeing these characters interact and talk about one another! THE SHIPPING FUEL IS ENDLESS), and even though it’s gacha and therefore has gutted me more than once, I’m still grateful it exists and I still love it. It’s a much better mobile game than Go, in my opinion, and I’m always excited for more Masters content. :)

But yes, we all live in a Pokémon world, and I’m so happy about it. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[nad-zeta]

Match up ^o^

May I request a Match up, please?

I’m at the part when I have to choose a route and I honestly don’t know/care. So I decided why not let some lovely internet stranger choose for me? Who do you think I would pair the best with?

I also noticed how much effort and detail you put into these so I decided that it was only fair to try to put in just as much effort in requesting. Or maybe I am just extremely vain so blabbering on this much about myself comes naturally (I also wouldn’t be too suprised if this were the case lol). Either way, I apologise for this getting so long. And without further ado, let’s learn about yours truly. Uh, yay?

I will start with my physical appearance because that’s easiest.  

First of all, I am rather tall for a woman. Pair that with the fact that I constantly wear boots with 8 centimetre or greater heels and I almost always cap out somewhere above 182 centimetres (that’s 6 feet in American). So yes. I’m not exactly the approachable type, on the account of my height and near constant resting bitch face. I always look pissed off at something (and to be fair, I usually am).

I am a brunette with boring brown eyes. Nothing of note there. 

I prefer to walk on my toes, for whatever reason. I also have great posture when I walk and these two factors always make it seem like I am floating. I’ve been told that I always seem very confident and self-assured. Which is complete bullshit because 90% of the time, I am winging it. 

I am a dancer (of sorts. More on that later), so I am rather slim and toned. This is literally the only aspect of my physicality that I am actually confident in. The rest of me can burn in hell for all I care. 

I am also very touch adverse. I hate the feeling of skin touching my skin it grosses me touch. However. There are a select few people in this world that I accept and enjoy hugs and cuddles from (and who I could snuggle with for hours). If I let anyone cuddle me that means I trust said person unconditionally and feel extremely comfortable around them. It’s essentially the ultimate statement of trust.

Onto personality.

If you can’t already tell, I have about as much dignity as a wet cat. I while I certainly do have an ego, it can be kind of difficult to bruise. Publically, I am absolutely shameless and don’t give two shits about what others think. 

I have a tongue of steel and can rapid fire the most atrocious insults and comebacks when provoked. I’m known for my venomous sarcasm and biting wit among my own circles. I have a line for nearly every single situation so one-liners have become my thing. Which works out for me because I am a huge flirt.

I’ll flirt with pretty much anyone regardless of gender, I don’t give a crap. To clarify, it’s not because I am an attention whore (okay, yes. I am a complete attention whore), it’s because I am a theatre kid so excessive eye contact and sexual jokes are kinda where I thrive. I am also not afraid to get questionably lascivious with my flirting if someone tries to out-pace me. I never blush, I never falter, and I never let anyone know that they got the better of me. It shows weakness. 

Despite my salacious façade, I am not inherently a sexual person. As a matter of fact, I am quite the opposite. I don’t experience sexual attraction (kudos to my asexual humans. I see you). This has rendered me practically immune to all charm, crushes, and sex appeal. It makes my life a lot easier, in my opinion. I don’t get too attached. I also enjoy messing around with the egos of fuck boys. 

As mentioned earlier, I am an attention whore. I love showing off because I crave validation (this could point to some deep seated insecurities about myself that I refuse to acknowledge…. Ahem). Being on stage as where I thrive. And yes, I am a dancer, as I stated earlier. But I am not your conventional prissy ballerina. I am a circus performer. More specifically, I’m an aerialist. I have covered trapeze, contortion (I am unnaturally flexible), lyra, and silks. It’s a lot of fun almost dying every day and finding bruises in the most questionable places (if you cant already tell, I am an adrenaline junkie. I took karate for the first dozen or so years of my life and have recently been searching for more weapons combat classes because apparently I don’t have enough bruises already).

I am not easily impressed. And I don’t give out compliments very often. And that includes myself. I can be unnecessarily hard on myself at times… most of the time. But then again, who isn’t? 

As for the side of me that isn’t stark-raving mad, I am usually a pretty objective person. While I have no qualms with discussing emotions (both mine and friend’s. I am a great listener and actually give pretty good advice when it comes to dealing with intense emotions). I tend to avoid letting them interfere with my logic. I look down on those who allow their emotions to dictate their actions. It makes them needlessly reckless. 

I am typically a pretty chill person. When I am among people I am unfamiliar with, I tend to stay quiet and try not to rock the boat too much (again, I won’t hesitate to unleash a severe tongue lashing upon any poor soul who happens to rub me the wrong way… Or just happens to exist. I don’t take shit from other people and I hate it when others try to control me. (I don’t play rough, I play smart). 

I really enjoy reading, writing, or drawing quietly. I can’t stand loud and excessive noises or people (parties, screaming, concerts). I am a true extroverted introvert. I love being the center of attention and chatting, but I need my alone time. People are exhausting to deal with. 

Because of my aversion to loud sounds, I tend to avoid typical dance parties like the plague. While I am very good with mingling and partying in general, I can only keep it up in short bursts before I have to retreat somewhere quiet. This is also the reason I greatly prefer the nighttime (if I had a choice I would sleep all day and only frolick around at night. I just love the dark. It’s comforting in a weird way). I also love the night because that’s when I get to sleep and just peace out on life. It’s kinda like non-committal dying.

I am near constantly on hyper-alert so I am not easily startled. When I do get startled, I have a tendency to squeak, yelp or growl. These noses are purely reactionary sounds but for whatever reason, my friends think that they are absolutely adorable and will go to great lengths to startle me just to hear me make them.

To counteract my friend’s malevolence, I have learnt to be super observant, especially when I feel threatened. Usually, I am caught up on my own world and thoughts. I have an imagination so powerful that I can trick my brain into feeling false sensations such as an extra limb or falling. I much prefer to spend my time in my head rather than our boring reality. But if I feel threatened, or think that another attack is imminent, I instantly become hyper aware. These moments of lucidity enable me to make certain observations others would otherwise be overlooked (for example. I was able to tell when my professor lost her wedding ring due to the discoloration around her ring finger and the habitual and near-constant worrying she did at it. I offered to help her look after class ^.^. I admittedly felt kinda smug when I saw her surprise.) Ironically enough, I like to refer to this mode of thinking as “Sherlocking”. I can be quite the detective when I really try. 9 out of 10 times my friends will come to me when they suspect infidelity, I am pretty good at digging up dirt. 

However, I have to make the conscious decision to do this, usually when I am trying to figure someone out or manipulate them into liking me. So this isn’t constant and usually I go about my day like everyone else, blissfully unaware of my surroundings.

Uhh, there is probably more I could cover but this is getting very long as-is and you are probably forcing yourself to get through my seemingly eternal ramblings. So I am going to stop here and go grab myself some food. 

Best of luck to you,

-November

Hi there love!<3 you sound like such a cool interesting person! ^_^ Hehehe I probs took so long with this match up that you already chose a new route lol! Anyways thanx for waiting soooooo long for this and I hope ya enjoy it love ^0^ ^_^

I match you with……………………… Masamune

Honestly, it was between Masamune and Mitsuhide for me lol but i eventually decided to go with Masamune 

The first time Masamune sees you, his eyes go wide in awe, like wow you are one tall fine lady! He has legit never met anyone so tall. After you were named as chatelaine, you stayed behind with some of the warlords to chat and get to know them better, you are after all going to be seeing their faces every day for the next 3 months. 

Right of the bat, Masamune is howling in laughter at the fact that you are way taller than Ieyasu. You, Masamune and Mitsuhide basically tease the poor porcupine for a solid 20 minutes. “My my I never expected such a scary-looking little mouse to be so bubbly and friendly.” 

Oooh, this boy just stared a war of wits. Today day was a good day cause your tongue of steel was rapidly firing witty words and sarcastic remarks at the resident kitsune. He almost couldn’t keep up, almost. Masamune was just standing there watching the whole scene unfold, you truly were going to be a lot of fun! Masamune decided to test out that tongue of steel of your and started firing some flirty pick-up line, while unbeknown to him you are the queen of one-liners, and have no shame when it comes lascivious flirting. Masamune, of course, never backs down from a challenge, and he was determined to make you blush. The conversation got so heated that it made even Hideyoshi blush on your behalf. You simply laughed and fired another one of your pick-up lines.

After the little chat in the hallway and a massive speech from mama bear for talking about things that were not PG13, cause of the kids *cough* Mitsunari *cough*, you and Masamune become quick friends. He had never met a woman before that was immune to his boyish wild charm, and handsome sexual appeal. Masamune was definitely popular with the woman, not as popular as Hideyoshi, but he was definitely a fuckboi. As surprised as he was, that his normal antics didn't work on you, his ego wasn’t dented one bit, it just made him more determined to get to know you. 

Masamune definitely finds your flirtatious nature attractive, especially when you managed to score the two of you free sweet bun just by flirting with the shop owner, he was, even more, shook when the shop owner was a woman, your flirtation truly knows no bounds. The two of you would spend loads of time together, just going out for tea and sweets while getting to know each other. TBH although Masamune would never admit it, he found it refreshing that you weren't just his friend simply cause he was hot or cause you wanted to climb in stations but because you actually liked him as a person. You and Masamune definitely made an unstoppable team when it came to banquets. The two of you would team up and start teasing everyone there. When you two cuties are together its always a good time with loads of laughter and banter

Masamune discovered that you like him, was an adrenaline junkie. He loved that he finally had someone around that would do stupid shit with him just for the thrill of it. The two of you would go out on adventures 24/7 jumping down waterfalls and hiking up cliffs. The two of you goofball would also dare each other to do the craziest shit. Like one-time Masamune dared you to jump off the castle’s roof onto your balcony, and you freaken did it, no questions asked. Or like the one time you dared him to put his head in Shogetsu mouth, mind you the little cub was now grown into a full-blown tiger

One day you and Masa went to go watch one of Mitsuhide’s undercover performances. The three of you were investigating a shady daimyo in one of the nearby provinces. The three of you disguised yourselves as performers and joined a circus troop as their new dancers. You were so excited, the stage is where you truly come alive. You had promised Masa to show him something that would shock/surprise him after he gave you the grand tour of  Azuchi. Today was the day, you had kept your dance and performances a secret from the two men, and now it was finally time to show them what you can do. You had 3 different performances planned. The first one was contortion. To say Masamune was shook would be an understatement he never knew anyone could be so freaken flexible, like wow. Your next performance was aerial dancing, his blue eye gleamed in delight, watching you move through the air so gracefully. If he wasn’t sure before he was sure now, this boy loved ya. But what really took his breath away was when you trapezed through the air, he was absolutely mesmerized at the way you flew through the air doing back-flips and other cool ass tricks. Masamune loved the look of pure joy on your face as you performed and after the show, you explained to him that you were a theatre kid back in the past. Mitsuhide definitely took note of your skills, and since that day you now accompanied him on most missions that required him to disguise himself as a performer.

Masamune loved everything about you at this point. Your overdramatic introvert/extrovert personality. The way you walked. Gosh, he loved the way you walked, it looked like you were an angel floating around wherever you went. He loved your banter and one-liner for every situation. And most of all he loved your hyper-alert side. Boy did he love to come up behind you to scare the crap outta you just so he could hear you squeak, yelp or growl. Like he lived for those adorably cute noises. And you somewhere along the line had fallen in love with the big idiot. He was always coming up with new fun adventures to go on or new fun things to do. He was one of those few people that could actually keep up with your banter

What was he most impressed with you may ask, well you Sherlocking skills of course. One day there were rumours of some super shady daimyos visiting Azuchi. Word on the street was that they were planning on stealing Mitsunari report to make the poor angel look bad. Mitsuhide was away sorting out some other plots and schemes, so it was now up to you to use your skills, to save the angel. You used your detective skill to gather evidence, and since your inner circle knew you were from the future, you were planning on catching them in the act and filming them for evidence. Masamune was always up for an adventure, so he acted as you own personal Watson. The two of you hid while watching the whole scene unfold, once they left the room the two of you came out. “What do you think they are going to do with the report lass,” he asked while his blue eye gleamed in delight. “Hmmmmm, I believe they are going to burn the evidence in the forest” you replied in your best British accent. Masamune couldn’t help but laugh. The two of you made your way to a secluded part of the forest and spotted them making a fire. Masamune looked at you curiously “How did you know they were going to be in this exact spot.” “Elementary, my dear Masamune.” He couldn’t help but burst out in laughter you really were a super fun kitten. Unfortunately for the two of you, they heard you guys laughing behind the trees and before you knew it, the two of you were surrounded. One of the men had a sword right at your throat ready to cut you open, that is when you shocked them by not backing down from the fight, you hit the sword away with one of your own gifted to you by your dearest one-eyed dragon. “ Point that sword at me one more time and i’ll slash your Achilles’ tendons, and TBH given the medicine situation of this time, no one would know how to fix your injury, so I hope you like hobbling around on one leg for the rest of your life cause that is what will happen.” These men were shook; meanwhile, Masa was next to you howling in laughter, “She’s not joking boys, this lass delivers on her threats.” You had never seen grown men run away from a fight so fast. You and Masamune picked up Mitsunari’s report that had fallen on the ground during the commotion and walked back hand in hand

You didn’t really like skin touching skin, but TBH you definitely like the warm feeling of Masamune’s hand warmed around yours. The two of you had come to fall in love with each other, and it wasn’t long before you two cuties entered into a relationship. Despite both of you being adrenaline junkies, both of you also loved your quiet times. Often you would sit together in his manor each doing your own thing. You would read and write, and Masamune would sit at his desk pretending to work (Cause admin is so freaken boring). 

The two of you would have the best time together during banquets you loved being the centre of attention and would chat with everyone, but as the night would progress you would start feeling a bit drained and that’s when the one-eyed dragon would swoop in, pick you up and takes you to a quiet corner where the two of you cuddle and snuggle together.

He would spoil you rotten with the most amazing food, he would basically, cook anything your heart desires just to see that beautiful smile on your face. His heart would always burst with affection whenever he cuddles and kiss you, he knew that the fact that you allowed him to cuddle you was the ultimate statement of trust between the two of you.

Often the two of you cuties can be found causing mischief and giving Mamayoshi more grey hairs or cuddled together sharing stories of your day

Other potential matches............... Mitsuhide 

Hope u enjoyed it dear @november-solarstorms

[spellbound-banshee]

The Way You Look At Me - Peter Parker

Summary: You notice the way Peter looks at you and you finally confront him about it.

Warnings: FLUFF, swearing, more fluff

Pairing: Peter Parker (TH) x reader

And there he was again. 

He totally didn’t think you’d notice, he’d tried to keep it a secret, but he wasn’t as good at it as he thought. You were his lab partner and quickly became his best friend after one study session at the public library, the two of you were practically inseparable. He loved everything about you, everything from the color of your hair to the little nose scrunch that would happen when you laughed. He didn’t mean to catch feelings, but once he did, he felt them growing stronger every day.

And it was totally obvious. Not only to you, but to everyone around you. So this week, you decided to help with Homecoming decorations to get service hours, and you couldn’t help but notice Peter looking at you from afar as you hung up the final sign. Admiring your hard work, you brushed off your shirt as the lunch bell rang, a sea of high-schoolers rushing towards the compost bins. When you and Peter made eye contact from across the room, he meekly looked away and picked up his tray, disappearing into the crowd.

Since you didn’t have another period with him, you had to wait to confront him until the end of the day, hopefully you’d actually catch him. Lately he’s been looking like a deer in headlights when you tried to start conversation with him. “Peter!” You yelled across the hallway, seeing him eagerly get his things in his book bag. As if he had anything interesting to do after school without you.

He looked up in confusion at the mention of his name, and his expression softened when he locked eyes with you. “Hey, (Y/n).” He replied nervously, seeing that same look of admiration in his eyes. 

“Can I talk to you for a sec? Wanna walk to Delmar’s with me?” He seemed nervous to accept, knowing that he had to patrol when he got out of school, but he could never decline you.

So you both walked to Delmar’s to get a sandwich, laughing and talking about nothing, blatantly avoiding the thing you actually wanted to ask him. Before you actually got in the store, you stopped him for a second, grabbing his arm gently and turning him around carefully. 

“I actually really needed to ask you something.” You admitted sheepishly, but Peter gave you an encouraging look, still admiration behind them. “I’ve just... I’ve noticed something... different recently. A-about you...” Peter could no longer make eye contact with you and looked down nervously, shifting in his place. “Look, I’ve noticed the way you’ve been looking at me. It’s not creepy or stalk-y or anything I just see something different there when you’re looking at me. I-I’m not sure what it is, but it’s not... the way you look at your friends.” 

You really never were good with words. Even now, you thought you sounded like a bitch, though that wasn’t your intention at all. “I just... is there something you want to tell me?” You couldn’t look at his features anymore, and the sidewalk suddenly became far more interesting than your current conversation.

“N-no...” When you looked up, Peter had taken his eyes from the sidewalk and suddenly began looking around nervously. You’d noticed the hairs on his arm stood up a bit, even though it was the middle of summer, and a breeze hadn’t brushed through the air. Even though he was distracted, you knew he was lying.

“Peter...” You started, but before you could continue that sentence, he began pushing you out of the way.

“I’m really sorry I have to go but I promise we’ll finish this conversation.” You barely heard the last part of his sentence as he was already halfway down the street, sprinting in the opposite direction. All you were left with was a confused, blank expression on your face and the electricity Peter had left on the skin of your shoulders when he moved you.

-

12:30am

Your parents hadn’t returned home from their business trip in London, you’d been home alone with your pet all week and weekend. It was way too late for you to be up, especially with a Spanish quiz tomorrow, but you just couldn’t get the way Peter ran from you out of your head. Had you really scared him that much? You were going to tell him that you liked him, assuming he felt the same way. It couldn’t be anything else. The way he looked at you, that longing, puppy-dog gaze was something you saw in every romantic comedy. It was almost annoying how something so simple and innocent could consume your every thought.

A sudden knock at the window startled your rambling thoughts, not even registering the study guide that’s been lying in your lab for hours. You thought you were hearing things, but when you heard it again you yelped and reached for your bat next to your nightstand. With shaking hands, you looked around the corner to see a shadowy man outside your window, crouching. You screamed and jumped backward, crawling towards your phone to call the police.

“Hey, hey (Y/n)! Stop! It’s okay, it’s just me.” Just him? You could’ve sworn you recognized that voice on the shadowy figure; you kept your phone in your hands, one digit away from the last as you carefully opened your window. When the light finally hit the spandex suit the man was wearing you quickly realized who it was.

“S-Spider-Man?” You shrieked, jumping back even further as he began to crawl inside your home. “Stop!” You yelled, holding out the bat in attempt to be intimidating, and the man innocently put his hands up. “How did you know my name? Who are you?” Of course, you knew he was Spider-Man, but there was something about the way that voice said your name.

“I-I’m sorry for startling you...” THAT VOICE.

“PETER?!” You screamed, hearing a distant dog barking at the sound of your shrill voice. Peter hushed you under the mask desperately, bringing his finger down to hold over his lips while the other hand told you to keep it down. “Are you fucking kidding me?” You yelled again, shoving him backwards against the wall, he stumbled backward at your force. “You’re... then how... are you... take off the fucking mask!”

He did as he was told and your knees gave out as you collapsed to the ground. You couldn’t believe it. I mean, Peter was... he was Peter. He was innocent and wouldn’t hurt a fly. And Spider-Man was... a superhero. “You can’t...” He quickly came to the ground with you and put a hand on your back to support you, the other going to your shoulder to help calm your breathing. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Peter’s heart melted at the sound of your heartbroken voice. You were in shock obviously, but your brain couldn’t process all these emotions at once. “I’m sorry... I know I could trust you I was just... I was so scared.” You nodded at his words, leaning your head against his stomach and taking in his still familiar smell to keep you grounded. “And when I ran away... it was because I saw something big happening. I’ve been tracking some people for a while and that was my chance to stop them. But I did promise I would finish the conversation so... here I am.”

You finally took the chance to look up at his face. He looked so gorgeous, the dim light from the city streets and the moon gave his face a chiseled glow, and his hair was flat and messy from his mask. When you smiled, he exhaled a deep breath, wrapping his gloved hands around your waist and pulling you in for an embrace. The angle was a bit awkward, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.

Once the initial shock wore off, you found yourselves sitting on the bed in an awkward silence, picking at the skin on your thumbs. “I really like you.” Peter blurted, cringing at his word choice for a second as you looked up at him in surprise. 

“That’s why I look at you like I do. Because when I see you, time slows and I feel like I’m in one of those cheesy 90′s movies. Because when I see you, I see power, and beauty, and love. When I see you, I see everything that I could ever want, anything that I could ever possibly need. Because when I see you, I think I’m in love with you. And I know, that’s probably crazy and creepy but god I’m crazy about you. You’re all I think about when I go to sleep and when I wake up, you’re the only person I want to talk to because when I hear your voice, I’m home. I can feel it. I just feel... safe, and comfortable. Like I can be who I want to be and not be judged. I just... I adore you, (Y/n). I really do.”

By the time his speech was over, you had some tears welling in your eyes. You couldn’t help it, Peter Parker was the sweetest man to ever walk the Earth. And he looked over at you, with that same look of adoration in his eyes, the tears pricking at the back of his eyes as well. You couldn’t speak, you couldn’t even breathe. You wanted to give him a speech back, tell him how he makes you feel and how mad you are about him, but you can’t. All you can do is lean forward and pull him in for a kiss.

His tearing eyes widen in surprise, but he hums contently and puts his gloved hand against your cheek, the other hand holding onto your shoulder to assure himself that this is real, and you’re here. Your hand wraps around to the back of his head, tangling your fingers through the dark locks while the other cups his cheek. Eventually, you find yourself clinging onto him, overwhelmed by passion and emotion. You don’t know where he ends and you begin, the tight embrace overwhelming still and full of all the love you have for each other.

Now you’re just full out crying on each others shoulders, silently, but enough to know how much you love each other. When you pulled away with sniffling noses, you found yourselves laughing and pressing your foreheads together. “I think I love you...” Peter chuckled, and you laughed harder, locking your hands together and smiling contently.

“Ditto, Parker. Ditto.”

-

[ifeelsick-moved]

Why Devnny is a toxic ship: An analysis

Long post and I’m on mobile sorry.

Devnny is a ship between Devi D. And Johnny C. From the comic book series Johnny The Homicidal Maniac by Jhonen Vasquez. It portrays a serial killer being shipped with his ex-girlfriend who he attempted to murder on their first date. In this essay, I will analyze the ship and why it may be a pretty horrible idea to even consider.

Johnny C. is a fictional murderer who first encounters the character Devi D at a bookstore called Dragon Books, which she works as a cashier. In issue 2, we see their first date, which was apparently a trip to the movies followed by a drive to the cliffside to overlook the city view.

Yes this famous scene. They have a brief conversation on this cliff before Devi asks Johnny if he would like to take her to his house, to which Johnny answers “Yes”. Once they get to this house, the two spend a brief moment of laughter and almost share a kiss, before Johnny wanders off because he realizes that he is experiencing a positive emotion from this date.

He shuts himself in a room which allows his inner voices, manifested as pillsbury doughboy cut outs, to convince him that since he is feeling happy, that he should trap it so that he won’t lose it in the long run, to immortalize the moment and emotions he is sharing with Devi. This leads Johnny to think of preserving Devi and the happiness she gives him by killing her.

Johnny proceeds to attack her with a knife, to which Devi kicks him and does many bodily harm to him as a way of self defense.

Before running out of the house while Johnny is still on the ground, bleeding.

This first date and the almost fatal conclusion leads Devi to develop severe trauma in which she shuts herself in her own house out of fear of Johnny, while Johnny is committing violent murders in the name of heartbreak, pitying himself and even hinting that he believes the blame is towards Devi and not himself.

Devi ends up trapped in her own home because she is scared of encountering Johnny again, and even says that he has begun to stalk her.

Because of this encounter, she also ends up with a manifestation of her own called Sickness which shows up in her spin off comic I Feel Sick, in which she is still isolating herself in her apartment and Johnny is hinted as continuing to stalk her.

This type of situation isn’t exactly what I would call “goals”. Let’s say what this is; this is a story of abuse. Devi is a victim, and Johnny is her abuser. Her safety was threatened by attempted murder, which I don’t think anyone wants to experience on the first date; let alone have more dates after that as this fandom has portrayed it in their Devnny ship. What I liked about Devi’s story is that she never crawled back to Johnny, she never had any Stockholm syndrome situation in which she was in love with her own killer, and for a comic book that was made in the 90’s I’d say the lack of those themes are refreshing. Johnny offers Devi a half ass apology in the form of a cassette tape playing his own voice, in which he rambles instead of apologizing upfront and Devi definitely puts him on blast and gives him what for, stating;

“You know what’s worse than hiding from what scares you?! Do you? I’ll tell you - It’s having good things pass you by because you’re too busy cringing in idiot terror, hiding someplace where all you can do is dwell on shit! And now you think you’re little apology is going to make me happy as a drooly little baby?! Shit! I’m the person who’s gonna make me happy! I am! No more hiding away. If you want to kill me, just try it! I’ll lose my boot down your throat.”

The ship Devnny completely invalidates Devi’s bravery to stand up to her abuser, and her growth in moving on. This idealization that Devi should be with Johnny, even after the events in canon, drags her whole character into the mud. It erases what she went through with him the first time, as if that’s a minor inconvenience and that Johnny “won’t do it again after that” you know what that reminds me of? A relationship in which a person’s abuser keeps empty promises, so that the victim can crawl back to them everytime, only to get more hurt. Do you think that’s romantic in some way? Because I do not. I think that’s horrible, and that tactic should not be used in fictional settings such as this. No matter how “cute” or “fluffy” you make your Devnny content; you are making Devi crawl back to her abuser and forgive him after all her trauma, normalizing this for real life abusers and their female victims. You are putting minors at risk, with this behavior no matter how innocent or cute you make the ship. You can write a whole fan fiction depicting it otherwise but it better be the slowest slow burn in existence for it to make any sort of sense.

People who can relate to Devi in some way shape or form, or find that they have similar experiences to her story should not be belittled like this. Victims shouldn’t see art or fan fiction of a fictional victim being romantic with a fictional abuser. Devi, as a character deserves better and CAN do so much better than Johnny.

[wirewitchviolet]

Abuse I’ve just had to sit with forever

Right now I can’t look anywhere without seeing people speaking up about abusive monsters in various positions of power and it’s really triggering a lot of PTSD for me about all the times I’ve been in positions like that where nobody has ever listened or tried to help so... I’m just going to rattle off all the ones that come to my head, anonymously, and I don’t know, if anyone who knows me wants to ask me about any of these and/or try to really do something to help, maybe come talk to me about it through whatever private channel we talk in sometimes.

Family stuff. There’s a lot, and there’s no real way to talk about any of it anonymously because I mean being members of my family it’s already narrowed down way too much.

Someone once put me in the temporary care of a woman who savagely beat me because her own children were making too much noise when they should have been asleep. Bad enough that when I went back to school I was almost ripped out of my home by child protective services on the assumption that’s where it happened. Oh and she also force-fed me rotten food with maggots in it. I ended up pretty sick as a result, lost a whole lot of weight, and ended up with a serious eating disorder that’s plagued me since. I did eventually get out of there but I don’t know that I’ve ever really conveyed the full extend of it.

One of that woman’s children had some sort of torture kink, very nearly killed me, did put me in the hospital from injuries, and might have raped me. Hard to say because I was like... 7? Hard to translate those memories now that I have the context and vocabulary. I tried to explain that to anyone who’d listen at the time but, again, I didn’t have the vocabulary and I don’t think it came across that like... ropes and tools were involved, not just fists. Never got into that with therapists, because the first one I had really loved playing gatekeeper with trans stuff and liked the “maybe you just think you’re a girl because of abuse as a child” line of thinking too much already. I think I heard he eventually landed in prison though, so that’s something?

The first job I ever had. Games website. I was too young to be working but nobody ever thought to ask about it, and my family needed the extra income to avoid homelessness besides. The owner of the site... was really into open sexual roleplay in workplace text chats. I was so young and weirdly sheltered that I didn’t even process that that was even a thing, and 90% of it went straight over my head, plus I was in a weird state at the time with the whole trans thing where oh yeah, if anyone’s doing any roleplaying stuff on the internet, I’ll be in the character of me-but-a-girl but everything is pretend here right? So... there was a whole lot of mounting and thrusting being described and it took a few years to sink in that that was not in fact about him pretending to be a knight with me as a horse or something. And there was also a lot of... failing to pay me for years of backbreaking work, outright stealing from me, and I mean, I was up until like 4 AM every night working while still in high school. So, yeah. that was a lot. Never told anybody about any of this. So far as I know he still runs the site and nobody’s ever confronted him about anything.

Used to try to play various RPGs with some people in this extra niche-y game space. Sort of the first place I was ever read as a woman without offering anyone “corrections.” And... there was just this one guy who whenever he was GMing had some weird creative excuse for my character (usually the only woman in the party) to... be raped and/or impregnated just all of the sudden and totally out of left field. Which everyone was OK with somehow. And when he wasn’t GMing he was all over my character of course. Never really spoke up to anyone. I just left one day.

Ended up... in the inner circle of someone very famous. Mostly famous for being a victim of abuse. Which is why I ignored... every single red flag there is that someone is an abusive person and taking advantage of everyone around them. They controlled every aspect of my life for years. Had me do a whole lot of work for them, place myself in real physical and psychological danger, regularly. Directly asked me to severe ties with most people in my life. Install kill-switch sortware on my laptop for their piece of mind that none of our conversations would ever be seen by anyone, while also making me talk only in privately managed chat services where they logged everything and my screen wiped at regular intervals, and insisting I use an untraceable alias in it. All of this I was constantly assured was for my own safety as much as theirs, somehow, and that I was their most valued friend who they would keep safe, start paying a huge salary to soon, as well as help secure me a safe place to live and get properly started on medical transition stuff that I was unable to do in the increasingly unsafe place I was living at the time. I could keep going with this, but again, I don’t want anyone playing guessing games. Eventually, as serial abusers do, this person got sick of me, cast me out, and said presumably unspeakable things about me to everyone in that social circle, because everyone quite promptly cut all ties to me without a word. I once mentioned some small fraction of this publicly in defense of... multiple people attempting suicide as a result of this person’s abuse, and it was made very, very clear to me that this is not someone I will ever be able to safely speak about in public.

Another person who is very famous, with ties to abuse prevention stuff, added me to a blacklist to kill my career prospects and then kinda put a hit out on me on a neo-nazi website, but I’ve written about that incident. Nothing happened as a result of speaking out aside from the violence I was already being subjected to ramping up and more people cutting ties with me. Oh and those who didn’t are still quite friendly with her.

Several women with ties to... dangerous people randomly got it into their heads several years ago that I posed some sort of threat to someone I am told they “feel very protective towards” and... unleashed a hell on me unlike anything I have ever seen. I have spent the past 6 years now dealing with death threats from far right terrorist organizations who in some cases have very sizeable body counts, and those groups don’t scare me anywhere near as much as these people. Anyone else I have seen them paint a target on completely withdrew from the internet their careers and any sort of public life to try and stay off their radar. I have had multiple people privately confide in me that they had been threatened never to speak to me again before proceeding to make good on that. I have individually thrown myself at the mercy of every single one of them, explained that I have absolutely no ill will towards any of them, and had never even heard of this person they’re “protecting” before they started coming after me. Nothing has worked. They’ve never stopped. I’m legitimately afraid someone connected to them is going to murder me some day, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve confided in all of maybe 3 people about this. One might be dead, one is a total hermit, the third briefly tried supporting me, received threats, and promptly retracted everything, replacing it with a fire and brimstone speech about how I am an evil monster who tricked them. I have regular nightmares about this, and collapse into a shivering heap just seeing any of their names mentioned.

I... spent a good deal of time in social contact with a person I have been told I need to be friends with to advance in a career I would like to pursue. While doing so, he sabotaged a project that was fairly important to me, and I saw some him mistreat someone else in ways I find quite disturbing, but that’s her story to tell and not mine. I don’t feel comfortable around him, and have no real choice but to give up on those dreams. Haven’t really discussed this anywhere. The sort of work I can get would definitely vanish completely if I did.

The sort of work I can get also involves working for a variety of companies with people very high up the ranks who have seriously harmed a number of people I consider to be very good friends, in ways that in some cases include sexual abuse, and I... really would prefer not to ever work for anyone employing such people now that I am aware of this.

Yet another famous person, but one who I feel perfectly comfortable naming, Graham Linehan, used to follow me on social media with a level of enthusiasm that could arguably be better referred to as stalking. Then later he joined some extremist anti-trans hate group and rose to the top pretty quickly. And some years after that, it finally sank in that worshiping a trans woman while also leading a group of people bent on killing us all, so he has been very loudly and very publicly rambling about his hatred for me specifically. I don’t really have to speak up about this one because he’s doing plenty of that on his end, but I do have to note that while this famous person terrorizing me hasn’t really earned me any sort of public defense or sympathy, it has encouraged a whole lot of people to invent an alternate timeline of events where I am directly responsible for him being a bigot, leading to me getting dangerous threats from both horrible bigots and people who claim to hate horrible bigots but have suspiciously poor aim.

Hey speaking of celebrities, one of the stars of Firefly used to regularly send me photos of violently distended testicles. One of the stars of Star Trek once posted something encouraging millions of social media followers to attack me and left it up for a weekend. One of the producers of World of WarCraft once threatened to sue me for libel and went on a big PR tour about it, speaking on podcasts and such, and so many fascists pretending to be journalists have dumped so much crap on me...

And not to long ago in something of a wacky mixup, someone ELSE rather famous, who does diversity consulting no less, confused me for someone else and cut loose with a horrific bit of hate and gossip and throwing me under the bus, and misgendering me, saying random harassers baselessly calling me a pedophile were probably onto something. Privately told a handful of people about that, because I thought she was a friend and that was so heartbreaking, but anyone I told is just pretending not to have seen it.

Someone was once offering me help because I was in a dangerous situation, financially. I explained that things had been extra hard since coming out as trans. Suddenly he goes from helpful and concerned to just... violent. Screaming a me, openly trying to chase me out of the space we were both in. I reported this to the proper people. They tried talking, he left. The whole community mourned the loss and wondered who could have driven him off. Still doesn’t feel like a safe place for me.

I don’t really know why I’m bothering with all of this. Nobody is actually going to help. I’d say nobody is actually going to read this, but I’m sure plenty of people who hate me will to see if I’m talking about them and use it as justification to make things worse. Plus some people I’m not talking about I’m sure. I get plenty of that all the time.

Nothing ever helps and you can’t ever win. If you try to keep the abusers appeased by not outing them, the abuse never stops. If you try to speak up, their fans and friends treat it like declarations of war and pile on. If you just try to be there for other people when they’re being abused, you get singled out as a “troublemaker” and added to hit lists and black lists and... nothing works.

I don’t want a lot out of life. I want to know I have enough food, and have a place to live where I’m not at risk of dying from either temperature extreme, a bathroom, enough room for my book shelves, a bed, a couch, a dinner table, and a yoga mat. Maybe a space where my cats can run around a little enclosed semi-outdoor area for the fresh air and sun. I want to be able to deal with my medical problems. I want to see and talk to friends sometimes. If I’m really greedy, I’d like to have all that for a particular friend too who I’m constantly worrying about dying of poverty. And I’d like to be able to work on games. Maybe play them sometimes. Maybe watch things.

And that’s the really messed up part. Because abusive people and people supporting the structures of abuse always say they just want to focus on getting work done, or having fun, and it’s a lie. What’s most important for them is perpetuating abuse. They could just stop, or get rid of the people doing it, and the rest of us could live our lives and everything would be fine. But no instead we have to drop everything and make sure no woman anywhere feels safe enough to even breath.

[spaceskam]

#75 "What did you expect?", and #90 "Forget it". I am so ready for angry/hurt Alex and how he just lays into Michael when he finally sees him after avoiding him (and Maria) for weeks (maybe months).

this isn’t EXACTLY what you asked, but i hope you still enjoy it!

ao3

“Do you think he meant it?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Kyle glanced over at a pouting Alex who seemed lost in his whiskey.  He’d reluctantly agreed to grab a drink with him, knowing he’d been moping ever since they wrapped up Project Shepard.  Alex had run out of excuses to talk to Guerin and, even though Kyle had insisted he didn’t actually need one, he was making himself miserable with ignoring him.  Kyle was trying to be a good friend, but it was so hard when Alex ignored every piece of advice he gave in favor of complaining.  It was exhausting at best.

“Back at Caulfield, Michael said he didn’t love me.  I thought he was just saying it to get me to leave, but do you think he meant it?  I mean, he hasn’t spoken to me in almost a month.” Alex said, moving his glass to make the ice stir around.  Kyle rolled his eyes.  How foolish of him to think he’d get one day off from talking about Guerin.

“Alex, you literally told him not to talk to you when you found out he kissed Maria, he’s respecting your wishes,” Kyle explained, signaling to the bartender to get him a beer.  He was going to need it.

“Yeah, but I didn’t mean it!  It, it was the heat of the moment ‘cause he stood me up after all that shit that happened in the prison.  I literally almost died for him and he stood me up 24 hours later!  I was just angry.” Alex argued, his face screwed up in a way that resembled a toddler more than a veteran.

“Well, what did you expect to happen?  You freaked out on him and then specifically only spoke to him regarding Project Shepard.  Not to mention, you were awkward every time you did talk to him.  He probably thinks you don’t love him anymore, so he’s keeping his distance.” Kyle explained even though he was more than certain it would be going in one ear and out the other.  The same thing happened regardless of who he gave advice to.  He’d become the resident relationship guru despite being single for years and also being regularly ignored.

“Forget it, you don’t understand,” Alex grumbled, squishing his cheek against his hand.  If Kyle rolled his eyes any harder, they’d probably fall out.  He was so tired of hearing the same shit when Alex was making no movie to either get over it or to reconcile.

He was also done with being asked for advice and then being completely ignored.

“Alright, get up,” Kyle instructed, standing up on his own.  He’d barely got half a beer in his system, but he wasn’t about to listen to Alex whine all night again.

“What?”

“You heard me.  Get up.”

Alex glared but obeyed and they both paid for their drinks.  Kyle grabbed his arm and began dragging him outside.  Alex complained, trying to shake off his grip.  He was too tipsy to be successful.  Kyle shoved him into the passenger side of his car.

“Where are you forcing me to go?” Alex grumbled, continuing his angry pouting in full force.

“I’m sick and tired of listening to you whine about Guerin, so we’re gonna go see him and you’re going to fix this shit when you’re just tipsy enough to be honest.”

The entire drive to the junkyard consisted of Alex insisting he had no interest in seeing Michael.  It was the most ridiculous lie he could’ve told.  He’d spent too much time drunkenly desiring Guerin for that to even pass as convincing.  Alex missed Guerin.  Kyle was pretty certain that Guerin missed him too.

Guerin spent most of his time recently with Liz which meant Kyle was seeing more of him than he was used to.  The guy was actually sort of growing on him.  Once you got past the brooding, he was funny, charming, and smart to the point it was intimidating.  On top of that, he and Liz argued and loved like siblings which made it just a fun vibe to hang around.  However, just like Alex, Guerin asked how Alex was doing all the damn time.  It was time they got over their petty bullshit.

So what if Guerin slept with Maria a couple times?  People make mistakes and it really seemed like that was the only one he’d made in a decade of Alex pushing him away.  Now Alex was pushing him away even harder.  Maybe Guerin wasn’t putting up much of a fight, but Kyle found it hard to say if he would do any different.

Alex only shut up when they pulled up to the junkyard.  Guerin was sitting outside in front of the fire pit.  He looked so lost in thought that Kyle couldn’t tell if he heard the car or not.  There wasn’t a trace of happiness on his face.  It was a sad sight to see.

“I’m not getting out,” Alex said.

“You know what?  You’re not allowed to drink anymore.  You turn into an actual toddler and I’m not your fucking caretaker.” Kyle rambled before climbing out of the car.  Guerin looked up when the door slammed closed.

“Gotta say, Valenti, you’re the last person I expected to come for a hook-up, but I’m down,” Guerin said, offering a flirtatious smile.  Kyle rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help the smile that came to his face.  Sometimes he could really see what had Alex hung up for a decade and what had Maria willing to risk a lifelong friendship.  The guy could be charming.

“Not why I’m here,” Michael nodded, but still his eyes wandered.  Alex rolled his eyes for the millionth time that night.  “Alex is pouting in the car right now.”

That grabbed his full attention.

“He’s been whining about how you don’t love him anymore every time he drinks and I got tired of hearing it, so I brought him here so you’d be forced to hear it.

“But he’s the one who told me to leave him alone.  I don’t think he actually wants to see me.  He’s probably just drunk.” Guerin said, his cocky demeanor vanishing in favor of mimicking Alex’s pouty state.

“Oh, it’s absolutely because he’s drunk.  But it’s all the truth so it should probably get out.” Kyle explained.  Guerin did nothing but stared back into the fire pit.  “Look, you both miss each other.  Just talk.”

Guerin licked his lips slowly, “He’s in the car still.”

“Oh, for God’s sake.” Kyle groaned, storming back to the truck.  He threw the passenger door open.  “Get out.  It’s for your own good.”

Alex got out once he realized Kyle wasn’t taking no for an answer.

“Alright.  Talk it out.” Kyle said as he forced Alex to sit across the fire from Guerin.  The two men were avoiding eye contact.  Kyle realized he was going to have to monitor their whole damn conversation to make sure it actually happened so he didn’t have to be in this situation again.  “Talk.”

Eventually, they dared to make eye contact.  The way they stared at each other made it seem like they were having an entire conversation without using any words.  It was way too intense for normal staring. Then again, damn near everything they did felt too intense to be normal.

That’s why Kyle didn’t want to fucking listen to it.

“Why have you been ignoring me?” Alex asked after way too many minutes of aching silence.  Guerin scoffed, shaking his head.

“Alex, you told me to leave you alone.”

“So?  Literally, when have you ever listened to me when I was angry?” Alex demanded, leaning forward.  Guerin tilted his head to the side in disbelief.

“I always respect your boundaries, don’t say that shit to me,” he said.  

“You do, but you don’t ever take me lying.  You knew I was just pushing you away because‒”

“No, Alex, you were walking away.  Again.  After you said you wouldn’t.” Alex was the first to break the eye contact.  He looked everywhere except for Guerin.  If he dared to look in his direction, he focused on the fire.  Kyle waited for the explosion that was sure to follow.

“You stood me up!  The day after I almost died for you, you left me to go kiss my friend!  Did you think I forgot?  Did you forget?  I thought that cleared the air, I thought that was when we were finally going to, to…” Alex trailed off, glaring harshly into the fire pit instead of Guerin.

“No one asked you to die for me, Alex!  I didn’t want you to!  The only fucking reason I’m alive is because you knew I wasn’t going to let you die!”

“You say it like it’s a bad thing!  I don’t feel bad for you saving your life, Michael!”

“With lies!”

Guerin’s voice ripped through the desert with a painful amount of force, anger rippling off of him with nearly visible waves that caused Kyle to stumble backward.  He made a mental note never to piss him off.  Regardless of the power he gave off, Guerin stared harshly at Alex who gazed back with just as much attention, just with a lot less animosity.

Thank God Kyle made them have their conversation in the junkyard and not somewhere public.

“Why the hell would you think they were lies?” Alex asked, annoyance more than anything in his voice.  Guerin was shaking.

“Because you just wanted to get me out of there.  You would’ve felt bad if you brought me somewhere to die.  So you threw my own words in my face to force me to leave.  That hurts, Alex.  Everything tied to you hurts.” he admitted.  Kyle took a couple steps back.  He suddenly felt like he was intruding.  Sometimes there were things between two people that nobody else needed to see or hear.

Kyle turned to face the car for extra measure.

“Michael, none of what I said was a lie.  You know me, I’m stubborn and it took you trying to die on me to get me to say what I felt.” There was slight shuffling and a small sniffle.  “I don’t look away, Guerin.”

Oh God, here comes the sappy bullshit.

“You did though.”

“I didn’t.  I was angry, but I didn’t stop. I meant what I said.  Michael,” There was a long pause and Kyle was beginning to wonder if they fell asleep.  “I miss you and I’m sorry if I pushed you too far away.  Just… please don’t sleep with Maria again.”

“I haven’t since Texas.  She got freaked out by the hand.  You jumped to conclusions.” Another long pause.

“I love you,” A heavy breath came from one of them.  Maybe both.  “Can we talk when I’m sober?”

“Please,” That was a strange word to hear in Guerin’s voice.  “But you can stay over tonight.  If you want?”

“I want to.” More sappy bullshit. “Say you love me.”

“I love you.”

Once the sounds of kissing began, Kyle took that was his cue to leave.  He gave one look over his shoulder to see Guerin on his knees in front of Alex’s chair with Alex holding him by the back of the head.  Kyle smiled.  Fucking finally.

“Call me if you need me,” Kyle shouted back to them as he made his way to the car.  He tried to keep his eyes completely off the pair as he started it up, but he definitely caught sight of Guerin carrying Alex into the airstream.  He wondered if that was all muscle or if he used his powers too.  He pushed the thought out of his head before it got carried away.

It was almost weird that he didn’t have Alex whining in his passenger seat.  That was something that had become a constant over the past month.  However, he much preferred the space without it.  He loved Alex regardless, but he loved him a whole lot more when he was happy.

And Kyle finally got to enjoy that and some silence.

—

prompt list

I write both roswell nm and all the skam remakes, so if you want to be tagged for a certain ship instead of having to sift through fics on shows you don’t watch, just let me know!

[jawnjendes]

no one can replace me | shawn mendes

university au SUMMER, shawn x goth gf/oc

masterlist | playlist

**let me know if you wanna be added to the taglist

Days off were meant for sleeping in and being comfortably lazy. I slept until 2PM, far later than I ever slept before, and I felt anything but comfortable. The only productive thing I did was move myself from the bed to the couch in the living room, taking the massive comforter with me. Shawn wasn't home, so I was able to binge as much Grey's Anatomy in order to fill the void in my chest as I could. I really thought I would be able to sleep off the void…

I was lying on my side, a dead look on my face, but I was still invested in a particularly emotional episode. As sad as it was to see Jo Karev's life fall to pieces, it felt almost cathartic to cry over that than my own crap. I cried a lot these days, it was very unlike me. However, I still made sure to keep it private. I didn't want my boyfriend worrying about me anymore than he already did.

It was after 5 o’clock when I heard the lock on the front door jiggle, indicating that Shawn was home. I quickly grabbed the remote and switched to some 90s cartoon. The swift movement of reaching for the remote on the table was a deep contrast compared to how I’ve been all day, so it left me winded and fatigued. Although, the fatigue wasn’t just from moving or the cuts on my belly. I couldn’t even sit up to greet my boyfriend.

Shawn seemed unfazed by my potato state as his footsteps were constant through the apartment. His steps got closer, and I saw him standing by me from my peripherals. Wordlessly, Shawn placed a black gift back on the coffee table, directly in front of my line of vision.

The bag was shiny, and had purple tissue paper sticking out of the top. Just the sight of it caused my brows to knit together.

“Why…?” I asked, my voice unnaturally soft.

“It’s a peace offering,” Shawn explained, “and it’s also an anniversary gift. Come on, sit up.”

I didn’t need the help anymore, but Shawn still went to my side and supported my waist as I sat up straight. Then, I leaned over and grabbed the gift bag, pulling out the tissue. Inside was a red box with the white Nintendo Switch logo on. I pulled it out and discovered a pro controller, and my mouth fell open. This was the limited edition, white controller with the Princess Zelda design. I was rendered speechless.

“We hit six months a couple of weeks ago,” Shawn explained. “I think you were in surgery, so we missed it. And I know you love Zelda, and I know you’ve mentioned this controller before.”

“How many oversized bears did you have to fight to get this?” I finally asked.

Shawn laughed. “Well, it was the last one at EB Games. I saw one guy looking at it when I walked in, so I snatched it when he wasn’t looking.”

A small smile creeped up on my face as I stared at the controller in wonder. It was a sweet gesture, given the absolute bullshit that happened yesterday. “Thank you. I can’t wait to use it.” Then I placed the box back on the table. “I have something for you too.”

“You do?” Shawn smiled, pleasantly surprised.

I nodded and got up from the couch. I felt bad about how our sixth month was spent, even if it was all out of our control. Obviously, there was no time to get him a gift like what he had gotten me, but I did have something in mind. I didn’t think we would still be here for this to happen.

I found my black, tattered wallet and went back out to the living room. As cliche and cheesy as it was, I had to say a few words before presenting the thing. “I’m not gonna lie, my pessimistic ass and my mile high walls made me think we wouldn’t make it this far.”

“Good start,” Shawn replied, mildly amused.

“But,” I continued, “I’m glad I was proved wrong, so uh…” I unzipped my wallet and poked around through one of the credit card pockets.

“You’re giving me money?”

“Shut up.”

It took a minute to get the tiny item out of the tight pocket, but I got it. I presented Shawn with a red guitar pick. The label on it had scratched off long ago, but that’s okay. It wasn’t about the condition of the pick.

“A long time ago, I saw Rise Against in concert,” I told him. “It was… honestly, probably one of the happiest days of my life. I went with my cousin, and she convinced me to mosh our way to the barriers. We did, and I got hit in the face on the way, but we made it to the front. I had a nosebleed, and the lead singer noticed that. He actually saw blood all over my face, and he gave me his pick.” I paused. “That pick means a lot to me, and you mean a lot to me, so I figured I should put those two things together.”

Shawn was looking at the pick in the palm of his hand as he listened to my story. The smile on his face only grew with every word, and he was beaming when he finally met my eyes. Then, he stood up, towering over me with open arms.

“I love it, and I love you.” He gently cupped my face and pulled me in for a kiss.

Feeling his lips against mine brought back certain feelings I hadn’t felt in a hot minute. My arms went around his middle, gently scrunching up the back of his t-shirt and feeling the skin underneath. Shawn smiled against my lips.

“Mm, so we’re celebrating our anniversary today?” I asked when we broke apart.

“I guess we are,” he replied, twirling a strand of my hair between his fingers. “What do you wanna do?”

“Quiet night in?” I suggested, wiggling my eyebrows.

He thought about it. “Well… we spend a lot of time between these walls. How about a movie?”

That threw me off a little bit. Shawn never said no to spending the night together between the sheets. But he was right though, we needed to get out of this apartment. “Yeah, we can do a movie.”

~

As much of a homebody as I am, it felt nice to leave the apartment for a little bit. It felt good to doll myself up for a date night. I missed carving out my eyebrows and wearing black eyeshadow. I missed wearing my long, black cardigan and combat boots.

Shawn and I went to the theatre downtown and caught the newest Disney film, on his choosing. That was only because the last time we went to the movies, I made the choice. The last time we went to the movies was also when I started feeling pain, but I didn’t want to bring that up.

I stayed away from literally every food offered at the theatre, and not just because of my mandatory diet. Shawn didn’t eat anything either, so I wasn’t alone. That gave us more time to cuddle on the fancy reclining seats in the theatre. It was pretty much what we would do at home, except we were bound by society’s rules to stay quiet for the duration of the movie.

It was a lovely time. Going to the movies was the one thing to get us out of our heads for a little bit. We didn’t have to talk, we could just be with each other. The mood was light and sweet, and it followed us back into the car.

But, you know… light and dark. Things are always balanced.

Shawn turned on the radio as soon as he roared the car to life. Of course, of fucking course, the Halsey song of my nightmares (as opposed to Nightmare, which is a bop) was in the middle of playing. Things within me turned in a second, and everything lost its color. Half of me wanted to punch the radio into silence, and the other half wanted me to curl up in a ball and let the void take me away. Luca’s words came out of the tiny box in my mind and circled around me.

“I probably know you better than Shawn does. And you hate that, huh?”

My breathing went short again, and I could only hear that directly in my ears. I squeezed my hands into fists, trying to bring myself back to Earth.

“You’re not singing,” Shawn pointed out. “I thought you loved this song.”

I wanted to talk, wanted to explain. But we just had a good evening, and I didn’t want to cry all over it. When did I become such an emotional mess?

I shook my head in response.

He glanced at me every so often, but he kept his eyes on the road. “No, you don’t like this song?” he asked.

Once again, I shook my head.

“Okay, I’ll change it.”

The song stopped, and then Shawn reached for my hand. My mood kept on. My legs felt numb, and my hands felt tingly and weird. I walked carefully when we got back to the apartment, like I was going to dismember myself and collapse. I followed Shawn’s steps, bringing all the grey with me.

“I know you’re a quiet person,” he said as we entered the bedroom, “but this is just weird. Are you okay?”

This would be something I’d take up with Callie, but I was no longer her patient. That was on my own doing, so I couldn’t be mad. There were a lot of feelings built up in my chest, and I couldn’t name a majority of them. That was why I needed Callie.

I also needed to bring my spirit back into my body. Without thinking, I slammed the palm of my hand on the bedroom door. The loud smack! startled Shawn, but the sting caused me to make a face and ground me once again.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I felt like I was floating…”

He was just as speechless. “Uh… do you - should I…?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” I told him, my eyes still staring off into space. “I mean, I do, but… I don’t.”

“Should I be worried?” he asked.

“No?”

“Did something happen?”

“Yes?”

“Okay, let’s start there.”

We sat at the foot of the bed. Shawn gave me an expectant look, but I was still silent for a moment. Perhaps I was just overreacting and being a little too dramatic.

“I had a conversation with Luca,” I started, suddenly hesitant. “Nothing bad, just… I don’t know.”

“What did he do?” Shawn asked. “I know you said not to worry, but I’m a little worried.”

I explained the inexplicably off putting conversation I had with Luca, rubbing my hands together sporadically. It was probably confusing without know our entire history, but that was a whole other spiel. They say talking it out helps, but I just felt like I was getting crazier by the second. I felt like I was just overreacting.

“Listen,” Shawn said when I finished rambling, “I don’t love that he knows you so well either. I definitely don’t love what most of your relationship consisted of. But you’ve known each other for a couple of years, much longer than you and I have known each other. He’s just trying to get to you.”

“I know. He loves to challenge me. Normally, I don’t care, and I’m used to it, but this one fucked me up.”

Shawn nodded. “Is that why you slept most of the day?”

“Was it that obvious?”

“I can tell when you’re sleep deprived now. Like, you wear a lot of black, but you look… comfortable and at peace with it. When you're tired, or sad... you look like the world ended."

He held his hand open on my lap, and I laced our fingers together. Was this a weird situation? Was it weird to talk about your ex to your current person?

“Can I tell you something?” Shawn asked after a minute.

“Yeah.” I had to stop myself from sounding too eager. At this point, I’d give anything to not talk about me and my shit anymore. I think I was thinking too hard about this whole thing.

He shifted a little bit, the way one does when they’re about to drop some scalding tea. “When I was seventeen, I dated this girl. Well, I thought I was dating her. She asked me to be her boyfriend, but the only time we spent together was in the backseat of her car, or at her house when her parents weren’t home. She really didn’t want much from me, apart from the obvious.”

“She was playing you,” I replied.

“And I one hundred percent knew it,” Shawn added with a chuckle. “But I really liked her, so I let her do what she wanted. I guess you could say that’s one reason why I was never in a serious, stable relationship until now. It’s like you say, I couldn’t trust anyone.”

That was certainly a side of Shawn I hadn’t heard of. He told me he didn’t have much experience with his love life. Then, I found out he slept around much like I did. Now, I found out he had his own version of Luca. Why was I labeled the mysterious one?

“How come you never told me this before?” I asked him.

He shrugged. “We all have things we don’t talk about. I’m sure there’s still things you haven’t told me.”

“Yeah… yeah, that’s true.”

“So just know, you’re not the only one with a toxic ex. I know how you feel.”

At least he doesn’t work with his ex. At least his anxiety wasn’t intensified to the point of isolation and self destruction. Plus, it was easier for Shawn to open up than it was for me. His heart was in the right place, though. His big, warm heart made my stone cold one beat a little faster, I knew that much.

"You know how powerless you are being with someone like that," I said without realizing what I was doing.

"Yeah," he said. "You know they're not good for you, they only want you at their convenience, but you'd do anything for them."

Oof, he really does know.

"But," he added, "it feels so much better when you're finally free of them. And it feels fucking great to be in a much better place than they are. Realizing you deserve better is like waking up from a bad dream."

"It's like coming up for fresh air."

Shawn looked at me, eyes sparkling. He now held my hand in both of his. "Meeting you was like coming up for fresh air."

I smiled, and placed my one free hand over his. "I know that quote is from Grey's, you can't fool me."

"Hey, can I not relate heavily to the words of Derek Shepherd?" he said with a laugh.

He wasn't wrong. I related a lot of lyrics from his own songs, but I could tell him that another time.

_____

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