if i could program a limitation for how much a fan i have can oscillate my life would be so much better. i don't want it going on the full rotation it's capable of... let me set the range to a smaller space ...
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she told me i couldn't be trans. i don't know why she said it and i don't know why she should have cared if i was but she did say it.
when i think about this i feel overdramatic like i am blaming her for everything. i am not blaming her for everything. i am just saying plainly that this is what happened. and also that it stuck with me.
i made her apologize. and the corollary. she only apologized because i made her. she did not make any attempt to make amends. now i realize when years later she grabbed me and shook me by my long hair it was an enactment, again, of this. the same thing. she apologizes because i make her. she really honestly has no desire to fix this with me. i am hurting. i am the only one hurting.
she was my best friend. but i try not to be pathetic.
i couldn't be trans. why not? i don't know if she said her reasoning out loud (probably not; I'd think I would remember) but if she had it would have been: just look at you.
like i didn't know. like i don't already see me.
she did all of this when she was drunk, do you forgive her now?
i tried to just move on but it was hard. she was my best friend. she was all i had. i did not bring it up with her again which means i did not bring it up with anyone and i scarcely brought it up with myself. when i thought about it i would always remember her reaction. in some bar in brooklyn. halloween night. smirking. no you're not. you're being stupid. this would flash through my head in a millisecond.
lecturing her in the morning like a parent: this is what you did wrong. this is why it's important to me. Her pouting like a scolded child. Okay. Are we done? Can we move on now?
What was I supposed to say? Yes. Yes we're done. Not like I am going to quit being your friend over this. you know this...
this isn't about her it's about me but she always worms her way into things. it's just i can't stop thinking that this is something i can't have. that i shouldn't. a million reasons why. the way she looked at me like it was obvious. the way she felt was written on her face. you could never be a man. come on. look at you. little, inconsequential, you.
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all my haters watch the senators at the canadian tire centre of success
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looking at screenshots i was sending my partner... i changed the portrait for this dialogue but i didnt realizing he was blushing
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might stream this week only cus the Touhou 19 demo came out last night and I wanna give that a shot
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wonderful thrift purchases of the day:
green jacket (clara cosplay)
yellow shirt (clara cosplay)
red beanie (clara cosplay)
jorts because i don’t want to wear a jirt (jean skirt) (clara cosplay)
jeans with butterflies on them
black jorts. very cute
very cute green shirt
very cute blue ruffly crop top
funky glass for my fun bevvies
cute travel mug so i don’t have to use a million paper cups at work
copper bottom revere stovetop kettle (roommate collects copper bottom revere pots and pans)
fucking ESPRESSO MACHINE with a STEAMER WAND (NINE DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
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maybe i'll whip up a lil valentines animation for yall as a treat
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