#whose gonna make my friday feel better

[leashybebes]

fuck it friday

tagged by @firehose118, mwah, thank you! onward tagging before the cut for @trombonechurchill, @hyperfocusthusly and @chemistry66

some more of the latest love in stereo outtake because none of my actual wips are cooperating. nsfw from the start basically. if i had a single iota of artistic talent i'd do some of these photos as fanart, but alas.

His phone vibrates and he risks a glance. The message is from Tommy and it says don't answer if you're not alone.

Motherfucker.

In a session, he sends back.

Too bad, he gets in reply. Evan wanted to video call.

Sal doesn't know anyone else who can be so fucking smug over text message. He sends back, you better take good care of him for me then and tunes back into the talk before he can get any more distracted.

The workshop wraps up, and then it's straight into a demo of some new search and rescue equipment which makes Sal both light up with glee and want to dickpunch the brass one at a time until they free up some actual funds. In the brief gap between the end of the demo and the buffet lunch, Sal checks his phone again. The group chat is positively flooded with notifications and he ducks outside to find a little bit of privacy.

Since the video call was a bust, we thought you might appreciate these. Not for public consumption, Tommy has sent.

The photos start out…not innocent as such, but maybe more PG-13 than R rated. The first is Buck from the waist up, bare chested and sprawled out against their dark blue sheets, grinning up at the camera. One of Tommy's hands is on his chest, tagging him down against the mattress.

Things take a turn a few photos in - it would look innocuous to anyone else maybe, just Tommy's big hand cupping Buck's face. But Sal can tell from the angle that Buck's on his knees. Plus, he has the fuck-drunk look in his eyes that he only gets after he's already cum at least once. More than that, even, Tommy's thumb is spit-shiny to the first knuckle and Buck's mouth is red and pouting.

From there, it's a dizzying array of shots of the two of them, a lot of them zoomed in far enough that anyone else would struggle to tell them apart, to figure out whose hand that is pressing fingertip bruises into whose thigh, whether the bite mark has been pressed into Tommy's shoulder or Buck's, which of them the soft inner thigh made red with stubble burn belongs to. Sal can tell every single time and it's making him feel crazy.

Plenty of the photos are a lot less subtle - the head of Tommy's cock resting on Buck's pink tongue, three of Tommy's thick fingers inside Buck's ass, Tommy's hand wrapped around Buck's cock, slow ribbons of cum dribbling down from the head.

The final pictures are a handful of shots of Buck with his back to the camera, riding Tommy like his life depends on it. The line of Tommy's torso is visible in some of the pictures, the cradle of his hips in most of them. In a few, Buck's halfway through bouncing either up or down, and Sal can see the slick rod of Tommy's cock being swallowed up by his ass. In one particularly memorable one, Buck's looking back over his shoulder at the camera, pink tongue caught between his teeth, Tommy's free hand clenched tight on his hip.

Screw starting a new life in Seattle, Sal is gonna die before he ever makes it home if they keep this up.

[sky-is-the-limit]

It's pretty simple, really. Don't get romantically involved with a fellow soldier. The task force is a unit, a second family. Any other relationship developing could create unnecessary, dangerous complications and you know damn well you cannot afford that. You worked hard to fit in, you worked hard to prove that you, a woman, can do as much as the next man in line for the job. Hell, in your case, even better.

"Weakness."

CW: F!reader x Kyle 'Gaz' Garrick +18/NSFW/F!Masturbation

P.s I'm not a writer!

Rules, rules, rules.

Your Captain's words ring in your head every time one of these unwanted thoughts creep into your mind. "One of the best sniper shooters I've ever got to work with." You're proud of your accomplishments, of your resilience and brain when it comes to work, always giving your best self to get the task done, to make sure you have your team's back, to never let anyone down and above all, yourself.

No one can be perfect though, right? Everyone has an Achilles' heel, a weakness strong enough to take the bravest man down, to make someone forget all the important attributes that make an obedient soldier and that's exactly what he was to you. A weakness. The name that answers to all your desires, a thought engraved permantently in your brain, never disappearing no matter how hard you've tried. And you have.

Countless nights when you had given in the advances of a drunken stranger, hoping that it will be enough to forget him, to get lost in the moment with someone whose name or face don't even matter. The only reason you let another man kiss you, taste you, touch body.. is so you can feel something real. Something that isn't your imagination where he's the only one always present.

The worst part of this? It's not just you indulging into this madness. Perhaps if it was one-sided, it'd be easier for you to bury it in the depths of your mind. Only allowing yourself to feel it late at night when you're alone in your bed, the only witness to your secret being your fingertips and his name leaving your mouth softly, like a desperate prayer for salvation. It's not just you though.

/ / /

"That blondie over there is practically undressing you with her eyes, Garrick."

There it is. That uncomfortable feeling in your stomach that makes you want to disappear from the surface of the earth. It happens every damn Friday when you and the boys hang out at the nearest pub. Always the same scenario, always a different girl, never you.

You should be used to it by now, and yet the way Soap nudges him to go over and leave with someone else tonight still stings. You want to punch that smirk off of Johnny's face but it's not his fault. You wish for that woman to fall on her ass, embarass herself but it's not her fault. You crave for him to finally snap, forget about the rules and drag you back to his car so he can fuck you with all that desperation that has been building up inside both of you. He won't though and it's not his fault.

"Nah, not my type mate." Any other woman would feel relieved to hear this. Hear the man she wants so badly turn down the chance to leave with a pretty girl for the night but not you. Maybe it'd be easier if you got to see him flirting with a stranger, his hand finding it's way to her waist, flirty whispers foreseeing a promising night between them.. Maybe something would crack, maybe jealousy would work it's trick and get you to stop thinking about him. Not Kyle though.

He spits out that sentence like it's no big deal, his piercing brown eyes staring into yours, never breaking eye contact as the words leave his mouth. If Soap wasn't so distracted, mumbling with frustrated jealousy that Gaz always gets the attention of the prettiest girls, he'd be able to see why he always turns them down.

He knows damn well what he's doing. Like there's an unspoken bet between the two of you, of who's gonna break first and he has to win it. The look in his eyes, confirming your suspicions that he also thinks of you when he's alone, the way his lips part slightly every time you stand up to go get another drink, the sight of your barely covered thighs right in front of him.

He wants you and that's the worst part. Just like every night, this one ends the same. With you two parting ways in the cold corridor, your only company his presence in your thoughts. At least his room being next to yours could mean that you fall asleep facing each other and that's adds some sense of comfort to your loneliness.

/ / /

Another sleepless night finds you alone in your sheets, the moonlight being the only thing illuminating your room as the soft sound of the rain pours down outside, reminding you that Autumn is finally here. It has become your habit, a lonely, desperate routine where you just lay there, thinking of him. Quite frankly, you don't even care that his room is right next to yours, that if the walls are thin enough maybe he can hear you touching yourself to the thought of him.

It's a deluded way to cope with all the desire filling up your body, feeling your core pulse and twitch as your fingertips find their way down to your clit and you wonder. How would his touch feel, how would he do it..

"Fuck, Gaz" a soft whine escapes your lips, your movements picking up the pace, making your hips back up and down against the bed, craving friction, craving him.

Kyle 'Gaz' Garrick is a passionate man. Whether it's a mission, a workout, hanging out with his friends.. He always lives in the moment, full of energy and a tremendous thirst for adrenaline. Always so eager for action. There's no doubt in your mind that that's exactly how he'd do you.

"I need you, fuck-" You admit to yourself breathlessly, sucking on your own finger before slowly bringing it down to wet your nipple, sending a shiver down your spine as you drag your fingertips through your own slick arousal.

You're a mess. Suddenly the cool temperature of the room turns into unbearable heat, sweat dripping down from your forehead, hair messy against your pillow as you buck up your hips against your palm, biting down on your bottom lip in an unsuccessful attempt to be quiet but as you get closer to your climax, you can't control it.

"Gaz-" Your mind travels back to earlier in the afternoon when you walked in on him working out at the gym, a pair of black shorts hanging low from his hips with a matching bandana on his forehead to keep the sweat from dripping down on his face. He caught you watching, your eyes were glued on his defined arms, occasionally wondering off to his chest then down to his abdomen. How can you not when he looks like that?

"Alright there, Y/L/N?" God, that smile will be the death of you, the sight of his fangs driving you insane that you can't help but wonder what they'd feel like sucking down on your neck. It'd be funny to think that you could ever scarcely deal with the attraction you feel towards him.

Suddenly it's hard to breathe, your thighs start to tremble whilst your fingers stroke your clit faster, you can feel it coming. God, his hands, his fingers.. The thought gets you to bring one finger back to your mouth, wetting it with the tip of your tongue. Would he do that? Stuff his fingers in your mouth while he's buried deep inside of you? A soft moan fell from your lips at the thought of it, pinching your nipple as your eyelids flutter to the sensation.

You're so lost in pleasure that you can barely hear the first knock on the door, thinking that it's your imagination playing tricks on you. The second one is louder making your hand jolt away from your thighs, a swell of embarrassment rising inside you.

"Shit." You mumble quietly before throwing on the oversized t-shirt that you normally sleep in before checking the clock on the wall. It's way too late for social calls unless it's an emergency. Another knock on the door snaps you out of it and without making sure that you're presentable, you open it.

"Gaz?" He doesn't look distressed, quite the opposite with his arms crossed over his chest, head titled to the side as he takes in the sight in front of him with the same smirk that makes your knees want to give in every time. So, no emergency then.

"It's late, what are you doing here?" You try your best to appear as if you were asleep, that would justify the-

"God, you're a mess Y/N." He may have his usual playful look on his face but his tone suggest something different. He's not teasing you for your state, not this time. It's like he's trying to catch his breath, eyes travelling down to your bare thighs and back to meet yours before he takes a step forward, leading to you taking one back.

"You're not as quiet as you think you are." Oh.

"I don't know what you're talking about." You mumble quietly, trying to avoid his gaze. Though your alone time was cut short before you could finish what you've started, the anticipation and thrill fill your body once again, like you never stopped touching yourself. This is what he does to you.

"Thing is, Y/N.." Kyle takes another step towards you, closing the door behind him without breaking eye contact like his life dependent on it.

"When you start a game.." His hand reaches out to caress your wrist softly before taking it into his hand, lips parted as his suggestive voice spreading a warm heat on your cheeks.

"Be brave enough to finish it."

[le-trash-prince]

WAIT Y’ALL SAMMON POSTED A CAT GRAPHIC WITH SCHRÖDINGER’S EQUATION???

WAS I ON THE MARK WITH MY DOME = SCHRÖDINGER’S CAT THEORY???? Quick someone who understands quantum mechanics talk about a particle existing in multiple states simultaneously until wave function collapse occurs

bc I’ve been thinking about this since Friday night—to me we aren’t looking at multiple timelines, we’re looking at a single timeline where Dome exists in multiple states: alive and dead. (Aside from the ending scene of ep 4, my primary support for this is the fact that Korn shows up at Tonkla’s with the neck wound he received from Tyme)

I think potentially anyone whose life Great saved could be in the same condition as Dome—except that Manee’s son was already dead. There was no one left to mourn her and hold her in that potential state of being dead, the way that Tonkla does for Dome. Everyone who sees her only knows her as being alive, and so her state is fixed. (Am I making sense? I feel like this sounds super abstract but I promise this makes sense in my head)

But that’s not the case for Nam, since Tyme would mourn her, but—and I’m gonna throw in more symbolic quantum mechanics here—I think Tyme could be in a state of quantum entanglement with Great. They are two parts of a whole that, even when separated by physical distance great enough that communication is impossible, share the same state—such as their death. So because they’re entangled, Tyme’s perception of the world is influenced by Great’s perception of the world, therefore he observes Nam as being alive.

Some of this may be wildly off the mark, but I do think Dome is both alive and dead in the same timeline. And also I do think Great and Tyme’s fates are intertwined.

(If they do represent parts of a whole, I would love to hear thoughts from someone who has a better understanding than me about yin and yang bc that’s what their colors feel like to me.)

[markie-baby]

𝕸𝖆𝖙𝖈𝖍 𝕸𝖞 𝕱𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖐🌹𝖕𝖙.1

"If you keep up with me, I'll keep coming back. If you do it too good, I'm gonna get attached. 'Cause it feels like heaven when it hurts so bad Baby, put it on me I like it just like that..."

Nasty - Tinashe

♡ Pairing: gangboss!lover!bm x black!fem!reader ♡ Genre: fluff/smut/thriller/multilingual ♡ Word Count: 14959 ♡ Content Warnings: language, gang-related violence, highly explicit sex scenes, drug use, mentions of drugs, appearance and handling of guns, poisioning ♡ Summary: You’re an introverted sexless woman, content with the quiet rhythm of your life as a remote social media manager, your world small and controlled, centered around your Koreatown apartment. But one Friday night, your vibrant best friend Sasha drags you out of your cocoon and into the pulsating heart of a local club. Among the flashing lights and throbbing music, your eyes lock with Matthew Kim, the notorious luxury club owner whose reputation as a ruthless crime boss precedes him.

♡ NSFW Warnings: overstim, fingering, sweat, tipsy sex

~

"𝕀 𝕔𝕒𝕟'𝕥 𝕡𝕦𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕚𝕟 𝕕𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕖𝕣, 𝕓𝕦𝕥 𝕀 𝕔𝕒𝕟'𝕥 𝕙𝕖𝕝𝕡 𝕞𝕪𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗…𝕀 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦."

The snug Koreatown apartment envelops you in a lavender-scented calm, a peaceful escape from the lively city outside. Vanilla candles softly flicker, casting a gentle glow over the diverse decor. Your face is lit by artificial light as you skillfully handle hashtags and engagement metrics, crafting online personas with expertise. You’ve been on the computer way past your working hours, but there was something tranquil about the quiet of your apartment, the light sounds of your fingers tapping the keyboard, that often kept you from venturing outside.

Tranquil that is, until you're rudely interrupted by the abrupt swing of your apartment door, in bursts Sasha Rivera, your roommate, best friend, and complete opposite, a whirlwind of energy and disorder.

"Mi amor, aqui estoy!" she exclaims in her alluring Spanish lilt, barely stopping for a breath.

Sasha's presence filled the room, her larger-than-life personality electrifying the air around her. She was a walking embodiment of the vibrant Koreatown nightlife, her curly brown hair as wild and untamed as her spirit.

"I've got a move for tonight!" Sasha purred, tilting her head to the side, her doe-like eyes rimmed with dark liner. "What do you say a little dancing?"

The mischievous glint in Sasha's eyes was matched only by the playful quirk of her lips as she awaited your response. She had a way of making even the most mundane activities feel like an adventure, and tonight was no exception.

As you considered her proposition, a rush of conflicting emotions flooded your senses. On one hand, stepping out of your comfort zone and embracing the heartbeat of Koreatown's nightlife was undeniably tempting. On the other, the thought of navigating the crowds, the loud music, and the unfamiliar faces made your heart race with apprehension.

Sasha seemed to sense your hesitation and took a step closer, her hand reaching out to gently grasp yours. "Trust me, my little hermit," she murmured, her voice low. "I promise you won't regret it."

"I don't know, Sash," you waver, your fingertips hesitating above the keyboard as you concocted a lie. "I'm swamped with work right now."

"Tonight's different, " Sasha's tone was low, laced with something that bordered on desperation, her fingernails drumming on the back of your chair. "And it's eight o’clock on a Friday, you're just giving yourself busy work at this point."

You sighed heavily. She was annoying but also right.

"Well, tonight’s the anniversary of Eclipse opening, and some important people showing up for the bash."

Your attention is immediately drawn, your instincts tingling when Sasha mentions the exclusive Korean club where she works as a bottle girl.

"Important like... influencer important?"

Sasha's eyes gleam mischievously. "Even better." She leans in, her voice dropping to a whisper. "Think LA's elite, movers and shakers, and the club owner is also gonna be there."

You shut down your computer, intrigued by the mystery that shrouded the owner of the club, someone you had only heard whispers about. Rising from your seat, you link arms with Sasha, a sense of curiosity bubbling within you.

"Alright, you've caught my attention. Lead the way," you say, with the desire to see your curiosity through.

Excitement bubbles in your stomach as Sasha ushers you into her bedroom. The room is a study in contrasts: soft, draping purple curtains frame a floor-to-ceiling window that offers a breathtaking view of the cityscape, while the brown sugar-scented air mingles with the heady scent of jasmine from a nearby vase. A queen-sized bed, piled high with plush purple pillows, beckons invitingly, its silky comforter spilling onto the floor like a cascade of spilled wine.

"Alright, chica," Sasha turns to you, her hands on her hips, appraising your cozy attire. "We've got our work cut out for us." She opens the closet doors to reveal a treasure trove of daring silhouettes, all squealing for attention.

"You are definitely wearing these," Sasha declares, handing you a pair of strappy platform stilettos in a dangerous shade of sangria. "These will make your legs go on for days." You eye the shoes warily, but Sasha's commanding gaze brooks no argument. With a deep breath, you slip them on, your toes curling as you adjust to the unaccustomed height.

Next, Sasha selects a form-fitting little black dress that skims the curves you usually keep hidden beneath oversized hoodies and baggy bottoms. The fabric clings to your body like a second skin, accentuating your hourglass figure and hinting at the delights beneath.

"You're a goddess, my little hermit," Sasha breathes, admiring her handiwork.

You stand in front of the full-length mirror, transfixed by the seductive stranger staring back at you. Your long braids fell perfectly at your sides, expertly styled by Sasha's skilled hands. The glistening peach color of your lip gloss made your lips into an alluring sight. As you take in your reflection, you can feel a surge of newfound confidence coursing through you; like an electric current, crackling and sizzling with excitement. You can't help but smile as you run a hand over the sleek fabric of your outfit, feeling every curve and contour accentuated by the form-fitting dress. You feel like a completely different person, and it's dangerously exhilarating.

~

Your heart quickens its pace as you both emerge from the Uber, enveloped in the sultry, seductive glow of Koreatown's neon lights. The atmosphere crackles with vitality, the bass pulsating through the streets and resonating deep within you. Entwining your fingers with Sasha's, a smile tugs at your lips when she gives your hand an enthusiastic squeeze, her anticipation radiating off her.

"I can't believe I finally got you to come out here," she says with a hidden squeal in her voice. “I’m so proud of my little hermit.” Her French tips pinched your cheeks.

“Not without much convincing,” I scoffed. “And I will leave if things get too crazy.”

“Ugh, fine.” She released your face from her grasp. “ Hopefully, that won’t happen and you’ll never want to leave.”

As you make your way to the velvet rope, you can't help but notice the lingering glances from those around you, drawn to Sasha's magnetic presence like moths to a flame. She's in her element here, her hips swaying to the rhythm of the music, her eyes alive with anticipation.

The bouncer, a hulking mass of muscle in a sharp suit, gives Sasha a nod of recognition. "Sash," his voice is a deep rumble that seems to vibrate through the sidewalk. "Who's your pretty friend tonight?" His eyes studied your form closely, too much so.

"This is my bestie," she pulled you closer, guiding you both past the line and into the club. “So keep focused on your job and keep us safe.”

The moment you step inside, the world seems to melt away. The music envelops you like a lover's embrace, the strobe lights illuminating the room in a kaleidoscope of sensual hues. Bodies writhe on the dance floor, their movements liquid and hypnotic. The air is heavy with the scent of perfume, and hookah smoke, and you can't help but feel a thrill of anticipation course through your veins.

"Welcome to Eclipse!" Sasha exclaims, her voice brimming with excitement.

You let her lead you through the sea of bodies, her grip on your hand the only anchor in a sea of chaos.

"Tell me more about this Matthew guy," you say, leaning in close to be heard over the music. "He's the owner, right?"

Sasha's eyes darken, her excitement replaced by a brief flicker of apprehension. “Yeah," she says, her voice laced with equal parts intrigue and caution. "That’s not the only thing they say he is though."

Your curiosity piqued.

"Matthew Kim is not just a club owner," Sasha begins, her voice lowering as if sharing a forbidden secret. "Apparently, he's a crime boss."

Your eyes widen at the revelation, the thrill of danger mingling with the heady atmosphere of the club.

"Not only that, but the leader of The Red Lotus," Sasha continues, her tone tinged with a mix of admiration and wariness. "The Red Lotus has its fingers in everything, from drugs to gambling, and Eclipse is just the tip of the iceberg."

“So why doesn’t anyone rat on him?” You raise a brow. “Ya’ know, catch him in the act?”

Sasha scoffs. “Well it’s not that easy I’m sure. Also, The Lotus protects the K-Town community and its businesses from rival gangs like the...Black Snakes-think they're called..? They may do some shady shit, but they keep the old folks safe.”

“Yeah, by muscling in on them I bet.”

“Hey!” Her defensive tone takes you by surprise. “My boss Jiwoo is allegedly mixed in with his shit too; she hires the bottle girls, but, she's pretty fucking cool. Besides, I'm sure they’re not all bad.”

Her loyalty to her boss piqued your interest. You let the topic drop, not wanting to sour the mood.

As the night progresses, your surroundings blur together in a swirl of flashing lights and pounding beats. Sasha seems to be a regular here, as she effortlessly navigates the crowded dance floor, guiding you expertly through the throng of bodies. Hips grinding, hands in the air, you succumb to the infectious energy of the club, all your inhibitions melting away like sugar on your tongue.

As you sought a moment of respite, the cool touch of the metal bar against your back offered a fleeting sense of grounding amidst the pulsing chaos. Across the dance floor, in the VIP section, a man's gaze locked onto yours with unwavering intensity. Standing tall and exuding an air of authority that seemed to envelop the space around him, he commanded attention effortlessly.

His features were like finely chiseled marble, sculpted by an expert hand. A sharp jawline cut through the dimly lit club, accentuating his polished masculinity. Black hair, meticulously styled, and sleeked back. A few strands of hair dangled freely over his forehead, adding to the mystery.

Beside him sat a slender woman, in a dark sapphire dress that contrasted her pale complexion, the white mink draped around her shoulders adding a touch of opulence to her ensemble. Her elegant presence was a striking contrast to his imposing figure. With dark waves cascading down her back and tailored attire enhancing her sophisticated aura, she exuded poise and intelligence. Her perceptive gaze seemed to assess every detail with keen precision.

Next to her was another woman, petite in comparison. Her blonde, short hair styled in a spiked updo. A studded black leather jacket hung off her shoulders and her heeled boots shimmered against her exposed legs, she projected an image of unyielding resolve and unwavering loyalty.

Completing the quartet was another man. His calm demeanor and contemplative nature stood out amidst the vibrant energy of the club. Dressed in classic attire that hinted at quiet dignity, he exuded an air of understated confidence that added depth to their group dynamic.

As your eyes met those of the enigmatic man across the room, his penetrating gaze ignited a primal fire within you, sending a surge of desire coursing through the skin between your thighs. Suddenly, all you cared about was knowing who he was.

"Hola!" Sasha appears at your side, startling you out of your reverie. "Are you deaf, chica? Let’s go get some dranks!"

Reluctantly, you tear your gaze away from the enigmatic stranger, allowing Sasha to lead you to the bar. As she orders a round of shots for both of you, you can't help but feel a sense of disappointment at leaving the eyes of enigmatic man behind.

"Girl, you good?" Sasha asks, handing you a shot glass. "I was tryna tell you something, but you were in a daze."

"I don't know," you reply, downing the shot in one gulp. "I saw this guy in the VIP section and he just…fuck."

Sasha catches your eye and arches a knowing eyebrow as she notices the object of your conversation.

"Goddamn, fuck indeed," she says appreciatively. "I don’t know who he is, but let's be real. He's probably some rich jerk who thinks he can have any girl he wants in here."

“Yeah, you probably right.”

“That is weird though,” she sucks her teeth after downing her shot.

“What?”

“You see that woman with the leather jacket?” She raises her pink nail in the direction. “That’s Jiwoo. That’s my boss.”

Your eyes widen in surprise as you return your gaze to the VIP section. There she was, looking comfortable and natural amidst the opulence of the upper crust.

"That's Jiwoo, your boss?" You ask, trying to keep the surprise out of your voice.

“Yeah,” Sasha shrugs, a glint of admiration in her eyes. “Don't know what she’s doing there though. I kinda recognize the chica in the blue dress. I see her here from time to time. I see the other shorter guy more often when Jiwoo’s here. I think his name is Joseph—or something. But that guy that caught your eye… I’m not entirely sure.”

You watched as Jiwoo laughed at something the other woman said, throwing her head back in genuine amusement. Her body language around Matthew was relaxed, comfortable and from what you could see, respectful. They had an easy rhythm amongst them. Jiwoo leans in close to the man you'd been ogling earlier. A chill runs down your chest as you remember his intense gaze.

"Hmm," she says with a mischievous glint in her eyes, "Let's crash their little party."

Momentarily taken aback, you stare at her, your heart pounding in your chest. "A-Are you serious?"

Sasha merely raises a perfectly arched brow at you. She reaches for another shot, downing it in one swift motion before she shoots you a daring look. "Why not? The worst that can happen is they'll ask us to leave them alone."

“Or...You could get your ass fired.” You raise a brow.

“Impossible,” She shrugged confidently. “I’m Jiwoo’s favorite.”

Throwing caution to the wind, deciding to go along with Sasha's audacious plan, you down another shot for good measure before following her lead towards the cordoned-off area where the handsome stranger and his companions resided.

The VIP section of Eclipse was even more decadent up close. The plush velvet couches were in stark contrast to the cold metal bar stools where the regular patrons sat. Gold accents glitter under the flashing neon lights, adding a touch of opulence that was absent in the rest of the club. Large, ornate bottles of champagne and liquor adorned the tables, evidence of the group's extravagant taste.

As you ventured closer to the enigmatic man, his allure seemed to deepen, casting an even more intoxicating spell upon you. His dark eyes exuded a lethal charm that ensnared your gaze, causing your heart to thunder recklessly in your chest. Amidst this magnetic pull, you couldn't ignore the subtle glances from the other members of his crew, their watchful eyes adding an undercurrent of tension to the already-charged atmosphere.

Sasha gave you a little nudge, her wide grin infectious as she boldly approached. "Jiwoo," she bowed cheerfully, catching the attention of everyone in the VIP section. “Good Evening.”

Jiwoo’s fierce gaze softened at her approach, a small smile playing on her lips. “Sasha, my number one bottle girl,” she acknowledged, her gaze flicking to you with slight curiosity. "Who is this?"

"This is Y/N," Sasha introduced you casually as if crashing into a VIP section was a daily occurrence. "Y/N, this is Jiwoo, my boss."

You offered a shy smile, bowing slightly in acknowledgment, "Nice to meet you, Jiwoo." Your voice felt small in the grandeur of the VIP section.

“Nice to meet you,” Jiwoo said, her gaze appraising as she took in your appearance. The corner of her mouth twitched upwards in a subtle sign of approval.

"Good evening, Sasha." Jiwoo was cut off by a smooth, baritone voice made you turn your attention toward the man whose gaze had entangled you earlier. His eyes flickered over to you, carrying a spark of curiosity. "And who might this stunning lady be?"

Sasha nudged you slightly, urging you to respond. Swallowing down the lump in your throat, you mustered up every ounce of courage within you and met his gaze confidently.

"I'm Y/N," you introduced yourself smoothly, extending your hand out for a shake. He rose from his seat, towering over your body. The height difference almost made you gulp.

"Y/N," he echoed softly. There was something indescribable about the way he said your name — like you were the only person in a sea of people — that made your heart skip a beat.

"This is Matthew,” Jiwoo introduced, her gaze moving between the two of you with a spark of interest. "He's the owner of Eclipse."

He extended his hand, his grip firm yet gentle. His touch sent an electric jolt through you, heat spreading up your arm. His lips curled into a knowing smirk, clearly picking up on your reaction. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

You couldn't believe it. The man who had been haunting your thoughts ever since you laid eyes on him was none other than the infamous Matthew Kim. The leader of the Red Lotus Syndicate, the most powerful and feared organization in Los Angeles. You felt a sense of fear and excitement wash over you as he held your hand in his, his gaze never leaving yours. You could feel the intensity of his stare as if he was trying to undress your very thoughts.

"It's a pleasure to meet you too," you managed to say, trying to keep your voice steady despite the butterflies in your stomach.

“생각도 하지마,” The woman in the blue dress raised her voice in Matthew’s direction.

Your heart pounded furiously in your chest as you pulled your hand back from Matthew's grasp, heat creeping up your neck. You didn’t speak Korean but knew enough to tell that the woman's words were a clear warning, yet there was something about the way Matthew looked at you that told you he wasn't quite ready to heed it.

"So-min," he said, his tone firm yet undeniably smooth. His gaze didn't waiver from yours, even as he addressed So-min. “진정해. 그냥 친구가 되고 싶은 것 뿐 나쁜 의도는 없어.”

Suddenly, a ripple of alarm passed through the heated atmosphere as Joseph shot up from his seat, his eyes locked onto a group on the dance floor. He muttered something under his breath, his face grim as he approached them. Matthew glanced in the direction Joseph had gone before he looked back at you. He nodded at So-min and Jiwoo, a silent cue that had them also leaving their seats.

"I apologize for the interruption, ladies," Matthew said, standing to his full height. “Do you mind keeping these seats warm for me? I just had an old friend walk in.”

His question hung in the air, a challenge and an invitation wrapped up in one. His gaze never left yours, his dark eyes glittering with unspoken promise and danger. You couldn't deny the thrill that coursed through your veins at his words, making the hairs on your skin stand at attention.

Surprise flickered across Sasha's face but she quickly recovered, grinning broadly as she slid onto the recently vacated couch. "Oh don't worry about it," she said in a voice dripped with confidence, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "We'll be sure to take good care of the section until you come back."

Matthew chuckled lowly, his gaze flickering to Sasha's before returning to you. "I'm counting on it," he said, his voice carrying a hint of challenging amusement.

With that, Matthew turned and followed after Joseph and the others. The tension that had hung heavy in the section dissipated slowly as they disappeared into the crowd, leaving you and Sasha alone.

"Well shit," Sasha said with a low whistle, "things just got a whole lot more interesting, didn't they?"

"You can definitely say that," you ask, sinking into the plush couch, trying to calm your pounding heart. "I can't believe that's...Matthew."

"I don't think he could believe what he was seeing either," She wiggled her brows and leaned forward, a smirk playing on her lips. "I think he likes what he saw, no?"

A flush crept up your neck and you tried to brush off her teasing with a casual punch to her shoulder. "He's just the owner of the club. I'm sure it's part of his job to be charming."

"He's just the club owner who happens to be one of the most powerful men in all of LA," Sasha said dryly, rolling her eyes. "And who was giving you bedroom eyes nonstop."

"I thought you said he was just some rich guy who thinks he could have anyone he wants?"

"That was before I knew it was Matthew," she raised a brow. "And apparently, girls throw themselves at him all the time, but I haven't heard of him actually dating anyone. Kinda reminds me of a certain girl I know…"

"...really?" You were in disbelief.

"Yeah, probably because of the obvious rumors," she shrugged. "Or because -and you didn't hear this from me..."

You leaned in closer.

"He has a huge dick." She choked back her laugh. "Like huge huge. You think you can handle that, sis?"

You choked on your saliva as the thought raced across your mind.

You couldn't ignore the thrill that coursed through you at her words; the charming, mysterious, and well-endowed Matthew Kim, a single man..? You knew better than to let your heart get ahead of your head. Matthew Kim was a man shrouded in danger and mystery, but to think he found you interesting, it made a chill run up your thighs.

"I'm just going to enjoy the view and the free drinks," you shook your head. "That's enough excitement for one night."

"Fine," Sasha relented, raising a glass. "To enjoying the view and the company of good friends."

In the background, the DJ cranked up the volume, and the beat of a new song pulsated through the club, drowning out any further conversation. The crowd roared with renewed energy, and the dance floor swelled as couples and groups alike surged toward the center of the club.

"Come on!" Sasha grabbed your hand, her eyes alight with excitement. "Let's rejoin the party!"

You hesitated for a moment, still reeling from the bizarre turn of events. But you reminded yourself that you were here to step out of your comfort zone, to experience something new. With a deep breath, you let Sasha drag you onto the dance floor, surrendering to the intoxicating rhythm of the music and the pulsing energy of the club.

The hours passed in a blur of blur sensations: the intoxicating scent of smoke, and perfume; the strobing lights, flashing like gunfire in a neon warzone; the press of bodies, hot and sweaty against yours, as you and Sasha danced with abandon to the throbbing bass. After several songs, you and Sasha retreated to the bar, parched and panting, to catch your breath. You downed a glass of water, the cool liquid quenching your parched throat.

"So, what do you think so far?" Sasha shouted over the music, her eyes twinkling with amusement.

You grinned, feeling more alive than you had in years. "It's...intense," you yelled back, "but I'm having a great time."

"Good! Told you you wouldn’t regret it," Sasha said, leaning in close to your ear, "Safe us a spot at the bar, I need to use the restroom."

You nodded, your heart pounding in your chest, and watched as she weaved her way through the crowd, her body moving fluidly through the sea of ​​bodies.

As you waited, you people-watched, observing the varied crowd that filled the club: the twenty and thirty-somethings, out for a night of carefree fun; the suited businessmen, loosening their ties and letting off steam; and the couples, varying in age and appearance, who danced together as if they were the only ones there.

Suddenly, a hand captured you out of your thoughts and slid down your lower back; you spun around, expecting it to be Sasha. Instead, it was Matthew Kim himself.

The silk fabric of his button-up hugged his muscular frame snugly, the sleeves rolled up to reveal his fully tattooed forearms. His piercing eyes locked onto yours, a glint of intrigue igniting within them as they bore into your own.

"I hope I didn’t scare you," he said, his voice low and smooth. He moved closer as he spoke, the heady scent of his cologne enveloping you.

"Not at all..." You stuttered, your heart pounding against your ribs. His proximity was disarming; it felt as though all the noise and chaos of the club were suddenly muted.

"I wanted to apologize for leaving so abruptly," he continued, "but... business called."

He inclined his head, his eyes flickering to the dance floor before returning to your own. "May I have a dance?"

He extended his large hand, an unspoken invitation in his gaze. You hesitated for a moment, thoughts of the precarious situation you were in flashing through your mind. But, bolstered by the alcohol and the pounding music, you pushed your reservations aside and nodded...

“Yes, I'd love to.”

With a wave of anticipation and trepidation, you placed your hand in his. His grip was firm but not constricting, the heat of his skin searing into your own. Without another word, he guided you onto the dance floor, expertly maneuvering you through the throng of bodies. The press of his body against yours was intoxicating, his every move in sync with the pounding music.

“You’re incredibly gorgeous,” he said, his breath warm against your ear.

“Thank you,” you blushed, breaking eye contact. “You're quite handsome yourself. I would have never thought that you knew how to dance.”

He chuckled lowly, his hand on your waist sliding lower, pulling you even closer. “There are many things you don’t know about me.”

"I may know more than you think," you teased, unable to resist the urge to flirt with him. You could feel the tension between you mounting, the electricity crackling in the air.

His eyes flashed with intrigue. "Is that so?" he said, his voice a low rumble. "What else do you know about me then?"

As the song changed, the beat picking up, he pulled you closer, his body flush against yours. You swallowed thickly, your throat suddenly dry.

"Well," you cleared your throat, "I know that you own this club, and that you're... notoriously dangerous."

He chuckled, the sound sending shivers down your spine. "That's a good start," he murmured, his hand drifting lower, resting on your hip. "You don't seem to scared of me, though."

You couldn't deny the thrill that coursed through your veins at his words, making the hairs on your skin stand at attention. "I'm not," you replied, your voice barely above a whisper. "I guess I'm just brave enough to take a risk."

His gaze darkened at your words, his grip on your waist tightening slightly. "I like that," he said, sending shivers down your spine. "Risk is something I've learned to appreciate."

The intensity in his voice was unmistakable, and you shivered, goosebumps erupting on your arms. This man was dangerous, you knew this, and yet, in this moment, you couldn’t care less.

"I find it intriguing," he said, his tone filled with gentle teasing, "that you're so nervous around me when you were dancing so freely out there. You seemed so fearless."

“Who said I was nervous?” you hesitated.

Matthew threw his head back and laughed, and in that moment, he seemed more human, more approachable. “Stubborn, I like that,” he said, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "But a horrible liar."

The song ended and melded into another, the beat slowing down, and the strobing lights softened, casting the room in a hazy, intimate glow. Matthew's grip on your waist tightened, guiding you in a slow, sensual dance.

"I'm not lying," you insisted, your voice barely above a whisper. "I'm just...surprised."

"Surprised?" he echoed, his lips curling into a smirk. "Why is that?"

You swallowed thickly. "I guess I didn't expect you to get...this close," you confessed, your cheeks burning hot.

"Is that so?" he murmured, his gaze flickering to your lips. "Well, I must admit, I didn't expect you to be so...alluring."

You could feel your heart pounding against your ribs, his words sending a shiver of anticipation down your spine. "Alluring?" you echoed, your voice barely audible over the music.

Matthew chuckled lowly, his breath warm against your ear. "Yes," he said, his voice sending shivers down your spine. "I couldn't take my eyes off you tonight."

You swallowed thickly, heat rising in your cheeks. "I noticed," you replied, your voice barely above a whisper.

The tension between you was palpable, the electricity crackling in the air. He leaned in closer, his plump lips brushing against your ear as he spoke, "I want to get to know you better."

You could feel your heart pounding in your chest, your hips trembling as he gripped them.

“I-”

Your confession was halted by the appearance of one of Matthew's bodyguards, a burly man with a granite-like face. He approached Matthew and whispered something inaudible into his ear. At his words, the subtle amusement faded from Matthew's eyes, replaced by a hard glint that you hadn't seen before. His jaw clenched, a muscle ticking beneath the smooth skin.

"Seems I need to leave again," he said, his voice a dark timbre that seemed to echo the abrupt change in his demeanor. "Let me take you back to the bar and have the bartender get you something."

"No, it's fine," you interjected, putting a hand on his arm, and feeling the taut muscle underneath. "I'm sure you have important things to attend to."

He turned to you, and the intensity in his gaze softened. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cut this short." His grip on your hand tightened, his fingers warm and reassuring. “But I promise I’ll come find you later and make it up to you.”

With that, he pressed a kiss on the top of your hand and disappeared into the throng.. You watched him as he moved; his confident stride was both hypnotic and intimidating, a testament to the authority he wielded. He joined Jiwoo, So-min, and Joseph, their expressions grim. They spoke in hushed tones, their voices barely audible above the music. You could see the tension in their bodies, the subtle shift in their postures as they prepared for whatever awaited them.

You felt a sudden chill, a sense of foreboding washing over you. You couldn't explain why, but you had the feeling that things were about to change, that the events of tonight would have an impact on your life in ways you couldn't yet fathom.

As you stood there alone in the middle of the dancefloor, your heart pounding in your chest, you couldn’t help but feel a mixture of arousal and apprehension. Your panties feeling hot against your skin. The club swirled around you, neon lights casting a sensual glow over the gyrating mass of bodies on the dancefloor. You absentmindedly played with the lobe piercing in your ear, a habit you reverted to when nervous. The music pounded relentlessly in the background, the deep bass reverberating in your bones as you searched the sea of faces for any sign of Sasha.

Taking in the pulsating energy of Eclipse, you felt the rhythm sway your body. A familiar beat swept over you; it was Sasha's favorite song. An involuntary smirk tugged at the corner of your lips, knowing how she loved to own the dance floor whenever this tune hit the speakers. Suddenly, a hand gently clasped your elbow.

“Can I have a dance, beautiful?” A raspy voice from behind made your head turn.

You made eye contact with a man who wasn’t Matthew and was dressed more casually than most of the other party-goers. He had a wiry build, chiseled cheekbones, and a mess of untamed hair that somehow suited him. His smile didn't quite reach his cold, calculating eyes, and you got the faint whiff of cigarettes from him; like he just came from a smoke outside. The cuff of his jacket wasn't pulled down properly, giving you a peak of the black snake tattoo wrapped around his wrist.

You blinked as you turned to face the man, not immediately recognizing him. His smile was warm, but something was unsettling about his gaze that made your stomach dip with unease. "I... I'm sorry, I don't think so," you stammered, trying to pull your arm away.

But the man's grip tightened, his fingers digging into your skin. "Come on, darling," he purred, his voice like sandpaper against your ear. "It's just a dance."

You hesitated for a moment, glancing around the club. Most of the other patrons were lost in their own worlds, oblivious to your discomfort. Sasha had yet to come back, leaving you alone with the stranger. Your curiosity getting the better of you, you reluctantly allowed the man to lead you to the dancefloor.

You allow the man to lead you deeper into the dancefloor, reluctantly stepping into his arms as he pulls you close. His body is warm and firm against yours as he moves expertly to the beat, his hands skimming over your waist and hips in ways that make you uncomfortable. Your skin prickles with awareness under his touch, and you try not to squirm as he grinds against you. The music throbs around you, the bassline throbbing in your chest and filling your ears with its insistent rhythm.

The stranger's breath brushes against your neck, his words warm against your skin. "You smell incredible," he whispers, his breath tickling your earlobe. "What's that scent?"

You pull back slightly, trying to see his face without breaking your rhythm. Up close, his eyes linger on yours, and you feel the heat of his body through your clothes. "It's just my perfume," you mumble as sweat begins to bloom on your skin.

"Sweet yet sinful, just like you." His eyes darken, and he smirks. "I can see why he likes you."

The man's words send a shiver down your spine, and you attempt to step back, but his grip on your waist tightens. "Huh? W-What do you mean?"

“I’m sorry you had to get involved,” he smirked. “But Matthew had this coming.”

Before you could protest, you felt a sharp pain behind your back where his hand rested; like a pinch deep in your skin. Your eyes dart behind you to see a small syringe poking out your lower back.

“What the fuck?!” You pushed the stranger back and pulled the long needle out from your skin. “What the fuck do you just do?”

“Gave your boyfriend a message: he isn’t as all-powerful as he thinks. The Geondal never gets this close with beautiful women like you—you must be special.” He smirked, wiping some of the blood on his pants before he discarded the needle on the floor. “Snakes always slip through the cracks.”

And with that last warning, you stared blankly at the man's face as he disappeared into the crowd.

You felt a creeping sense of panic wash over you as realization dawned on you. This wasn't just any club; it was known for its underground activities and shady dealings. And now, here you were, alone and feeling drugged. Frantically, you looked around for Sasha, hoping she would return soon and save you from whatever was happening. But she was nowhere in sight. No one seemed to be paying any attention to you at all. Panicked, you stumble and make your way back toward the safety Matthew’s VIP booth, your haphazard navigation guided by the dimly lit sign above. Your vision was a blurry pastiche of colors and shapes as you clung to the armrests of the velvet seats, your legs threatening to buckle beneath you.

"Sasha," you tried to mouth out her name, but your voice was more of a whisper lost in the cacophony of club music and laughter.

The strident beat of the music seemed to amplify in your ears, each thud echoing like a hammer against the inside of your skull. Trying to take a few stabilizing breaths, you slid down onto the plush cushioning, where you collapsed against the soft velvet material, its coolness offering fleeting relief against your heated skin.

Suddenly, there was an intrusive hand on your shoulder, fingers digging into your flesh with coercive insistence.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” the bouncer's voice boomed. “If you’re going to be this intoxicated, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.”

Just as you were about to protest, the intrusive grip on your shoulder was pulled away. Turning your head with difficulty, you saw Matthew’s imposing figure towering over the bouncer handling you.

“Is there a problem here?” Matthew’s voice was calm but carried an undeniable authority that made the bouncer immediately step back.

“She's intoxicated, sir.” The bouncer stammered, his eyes flickering nervously under Matthew's intense gaze.

Matthew dismissed him with a nod of acknowledgment, his gaze now falling onto you. “I'll take it from here,” he stated firmly.

You looked up at Matthew from your slumped position against the booth cushions. The dim club lighting softened his sharp features, and despite your state of disorientation and fear, you couldn't help but be drawn in by his charisma.

“Y/N,” Matthew's voice pulled your focus back, his tone quieter now, almost gentle. "Can you hear me?" His words carried an undercurrent of worry that you found uncharacteristically endearing.

“Yes...” Your voice trailed off, the single syllable sounding more like a sigh. You blinked up at him, your vision swimming as you tried to focus on his face.

With a careful hand, Matthew helped you sit up straighter against the plush cushions. His touch was firm yet gentle - a stark contrast to the callous grip of the bouncer. He seemed to examine your face intently for a moment before his eyes narrowed, a flicker of something dangerous passing through them.

"Who did this?" he demanded, his tone no longer gentle but edged with authority.

You tried to focus, wracking your fuzzy brain for a coherent thought. "A... man... on the dancefloor...” you trailed off, your eyelids heavy with the potent drug coursing through your veins.

Matthew's jaw tensed, his hand clenching into a fist. The change in his demeanor was palpable, his aura practically crackling with barely restrained fury.

"What did he look like?" he ground out through gritted teeth, always keeping one hand firmly on your shoulder, as if afraid you might slip away at any moment.

Your vision swam as you tried to focus on his face, the words tumbling clumsily from your lips. "I... don't know. He had a…snake tattoo on his wrist.”

Matthew's forehead creased into a frown, his knowing dark eyes making contact with the bouncer. “Do a sweep. We’re closing an hour early tonight.”

Matthew's forehead creased into a frown, his dark eyes taking in your pale complexion and dilated pupils with a growing concern. "Alright," he murmured, the pads of his thumbs brushing against your heated cheeks as he gently cradled your face. "I got you."

With a fluid motion that belied his size, Matthew scooped you into his arms, carefully cradling you against his broad chest. The scent of his cologne - a warm blend of cedar and sandalwood - wafted around you, lulling you further into disorientation. As Matthew strode through the pulsating crowd towards the private elevator with you in his arms, he caught the eye of his right-hand man, So-min. Her eyes widened at the sight of your limp body in his arms.

"도대체 무슨 일이야?" She asked, her gaze flicking between you and Matthew.

"Black Viper." Matthew's jaw clenched at the thought.

"씨발." So-min's lips curled into a sneer, her eyes hardening. "How the hell did this happen?"

"We'll find out," Matthew said, his voice low and dangerous. "I want everyone who isn’t on the main quest list searched on their way out. And no one leaves until we've questioned them all. Have Jiwoo look for Sasha, and I want Joseph to put heat on the security. When we find him, I’ll break him."

So-min nodded, her expression grim. "응, 건달."

"And get the medic up here, now." Matthew's voice carried an air of finality as he stepped into the elevator.

The doors slid shut with a soft hiss, cutting off the din of the club. In the sudden silence, you could hear Matthew's steady heartbeat, strong and sure. The world around you seemed to blur as the elevator began its ascent, and you clung to the solid warmth of his body, his arms holding you firmly against him.

You weren't sure how much time passed before the elevator doors opened again, revealing the lush interior of a lavishly appointed apartment; a guard standing by the doors bowed his head respectfully as you were carried past him.

Matthew carried you through the expansive space, your eyes struggling to take in the opulent furnishings. As he turned a corner into a bedroom, you felt your breath hitch in your throat. The walls were painted a deep red, and the furniture was made of dark, polished wood. The floor was covered in plush rugs, and there was a large window that overlooked the glittering city below.

You felt your eyes begin to shut, the drowsiness overtaking you finally, but you fought against it, forcing yourself to stay awake. Matthew placed you down gently on the bed, the cool silk sheets caressing your skin. You looked up at him with heavy-lidded eyes, taking in his handsome features. His dark eyes were filled with concern, and his lips were set in a firm line.

"Shit, just hold on, help is on the way." He sat down on the bed, his large frame engulfing the space.

With a shaking hand, he brushed one of your braids away from your face, revealing the fear in his eyes. "You're going to be fine, I promise." He whispered, his voice laced with desperation.

As the room spun around you, Matthew's face was the last thing you saw before succumbing to the darkness.

~

ou awoke in a daze, your mind foggy and your body heavy. You felt a dull ache in your bones, and your mouth was dry as sandpaper. Blinking slowly, you tried to focus your eyes on your surroundings. As your vision began to clear, you realized you were lying in a large bed, the sheets soft against your skin. The room was unfamiliar, and your heart raced as you tried to remember what had happened.

A movement on the edge of the bed caught your eye, and you turned your head to see Sasha moving slightly in her sleep, dressed in sweats that were clearly twice her size. A frown creased your features. How did she get there?

As if sensing your gaze, she stirred and opened her eyes.

"Y/N!" Her voice was loud as she clenched you in her arms. "I'm so happy you're okay! I'm never letting you out of my sight again!"

"Sasha..." Your voice was a hoarse whisper as you struggled to sit up, your muscles protesting the motion. "What happened?"

"You were... poisoned," she said, her voice taking on a hard edge. "Black Viper."

“The Black Viper..?” You felt a chill run down your spine at the mention of the notorious gang. "How did you know?"

"Matthew told me what happened," a heavy sigh left her mouth. "Or I kinda forced him to."

"You, forcing the crime boss to tell you something? Really?" You almost chuckled at the thought of your best friend, standing mighty at five foot four, yelling at a man who could crush her with his bare hands.

"Hey, when it comes to my best friend's safety, I'll do anything," she gave you a playful nudge. "I'm glad you're okay. I don't know what I would have done if..." her voice trailed off as she fought back tears.

You pulled her into a tight embrace, the two of you clinging to each other for a moment as the gravity of the situation settled in.

"He's not so bad, you know. That Matthew,” she said through choked tears. “He cares about you."

You frowned. "We barely know each other, Sash."

"But he does care," Sasha insisted. "He was so worried when he brought you up here last night. He stayed by your side until the doctor came to check on you. I don’t I think he even slept."

"Where is he?" you asked, your voice sounding more confident now.

"He's been in his office since last night," she gave a heavy sigh. "Last time I checked, looking very angry while on the phone...I think last night might've fucked business up for Eclipse for a little while."

Heat crept into your cheeks as you recalled the brief moment in his high-rise suite; his big hands gently caressing your skin. "I don't even know what to say to him..."

"Well, if he's smart, he won't let you out of his sight for a while," Sasha winked, but her voice held a hint of steel. "I don't want anyone coming for you. I won't stand by while that happens."

"I'll be careful, Sash," you replied, trying to keep the amusement out of your voice at her protectiveness. "I should probably go thank him."

You eased yourself off the bed, your muscles protesting as you straightened up. Sasha was at your side in an instant, her arm wrapping around yours to offer her support. "Take it easy," she instructed. "Your body was under a lot of stress last night."

"I can't sit here all day," you sighed. "Not when there's a man to see and...other work to be done."

"Well, go easy and work your way up to it," she continued, her tone fierce. "Do NOT push yourself."

"Yes, mother," you joked, earning a playful slap on the shoulder.

"I'm serious," she warned. "Now come on. I'm sure you have a crime boss to get back to."

You nodded and kicked back the covers, your body feeling stiff but otherwise stable. Slipping on a pair of slippers, you tentatively made your way out of the room and towards Matthew's office. As you neared the heavy wooden door, you could hear his raised voice coming from inside.

"No excuses. I want answers." His tone was low and dangerous, sending shivers down your spine. "I want to know how the fuck a Viper got in, and how the fuck he was able to get behind that bar."

"Matthew," Joseph's voice was measured. "We already looked at the surveillance cameras. He couldn't have gotten that far ahead with you looking down at the main dancefloor. No one sneaked past us either. Unless you're implying-"

"Someone here let him in." Matthew growled. "Everyone needs to be questioned."

"And you just wanna risk pissing off our business partners?" His right-hand man challenged him.

"Well then they can kindly fuck off."

There was silence after Matthew's response.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," Somin's voice interjected, "two of the security guards we have on file didn't report in at the end of the night. We need to track them down."

"...And bring them to me. You're in charge of that, Somin."

Suddenly, a set of footsteps from the other side of the door padded forward and you rushed to hide in the hallway bathroom, pushing open the handle and hiding within the tub and pulling the shower curtain over yourself. You watched through the thin veil of the curtain the shadow of the guard's feet appear right outside the door and making their way further down the hallway.

As the guard's shadow faded and their footsteps were no longer audible, you opened the curtain slowly and crawled out of the tub, opening the door and taking a peek outside.

There was no sign of the guard.

"So...Ricardo wants to fuck with me all of a sudden?" You heard Matthew continue from the other side of the door.

"He had no part in this. When we sent a hitman to his place, he didn't know it was us," Joseph reassured. "So if this was a revenge hit, someone else in the cartel is responsible."

Matthew gave a heavy sigh, the leather of the couch creaking as he changed his position. "What about who the fuck poisoned her?"

"Wasn't that hard to track him down," Jiwoo's voice was heard. "The idiot wasn't even hiding out that far from Eclipse after the incident. He's all yours when your ready."

Matthew let out a frustrated sigh. "씨발 뱀..." He paused for a moment. "Jiwoo, start working on getting some answers out of our new friend. Let's see if he really is a Viper or just another rat."

"응, 건달," she responded before the sound of a door opening and closing was heard.

There was a moment of silence, before Somin spoke up again, her voice softer now. "What about her?"

"Her?"

"The woman."

There was a pause. "I'm not going to let anything happen to her. She's under my protection."

"You're gonna try and keep her away from the shitshow we deal with on a daily basis?" Joseph questioned incredulously.

"I might put off on meeting anyone, 6th Street gang and Mafia alike." He muttered, an air of finality to his tone.

A heavy sigh was heard. "But the big meeting is in a couple days and with those sons of bitches out there on a power play..." Somin's voice rose.

"I don't give a fuck." Matthew's tone was low and dangerous. "I'll take care of this Viper shit first, then I'll worry about the rest."

"And then?" Somin pressed.

"Then, she'll forget all about it." Matthew's tone left no room for argument. "And go back to her normal life."

"You sure that's what you want?" Somin asked softly, her tone tinged with concern.

There was a long pause.

"I'd kill a motherfucker a hundred times over," Matthew grumbled under his breath, "before I'd let anything happen to her."

Your heart skipped a beat, and heat rushed to your cheeks. You bit your bottom lip to suppress a smile, despite the situation. It was comforting to hear the feeling was mutual.

"Are you sure? She seemed like-" Joseph tried to get through to his boss, but he silenced him with a cold glare.

"Drop it," he snapped.

"Yeah, yeah," he chuckled, putting his hands up in defense.

Matthew fell silent, and for a moment, the only sound was the ticking of the clock on his desk. "Just... keep an eye on her for me, alright? And Sasha, too. I don't want them getting mixed up in this any more than they already are."

"응, 건달," So-min responded.

"Of course." Joseph reciprocated.

"You both have your assignments, now leave me." Matthew commanded.

Sounds of movement emanated from the room as Matthew's trusted advisors collected their things and headed to their designated jobs. The heavy wooden door closing loudly with a gentle thud behind them.

You heard Matthew exhale, his breath ragged. A muted thump resonated through the floorboards and you guessed it must have been his head hitting his desk.

For a few minutes, the only sound you could hear was his heavy breathing, your own racing heart, and the steady ticking of the clock.

After the minutes dragged on, it felt like hours, you worked up the nerve to grab the door handle and push the door open, the squeak of the door announcing your presence.

Once the door was open, you saw Matthew lifting his head from the table, his eyes slowly looking up from the grain and finding the owner of the hand. Matthew instantly sat up, his strong muscles shifting and rolling beneath the black silk shirt.

"...Y/N," he whispered, his dark eyes fixed on yours, "you're awake."

Before you could respond, he was on his feet, striding across the room to where you stood.

"Yes, I'm okay," you reassured him. "Thanks for...everything."

"Good," he hummed. His intense gaze never leaving yours. The richness of his cologne engulfed you as he reached up to brush a loose braid behind your ear, his fingertips lingering on your cheek. "And don't thank me

"Does that happen often around you?" you blurted out, wincing at the words as they left your mouth.

He let out a hollow laugh. "More than I wish. I guess I should've been paying attention better."

Matthew's eyes held an unfathomable emotion, the familiar anger and tenderness that you remembered from the club, but also something that shifted closer to fear.

"You'll probably forget it in a month or so." He shrugged, nonchalantly.

You stood silent in front of him, the memories flooding back to you in small fragments - The feeling of his touch, the darkness that crept into the edges of your vision, and finally, the fear.

"Matthew."

The man froze in place, his hand dropping back to his side. Your body shuddered as the feeling of the needle sticking into your flesh invaded your mind.

"I...think I need to sit down," you sighed, closing your eyes briefly, holding back tears.

Moving at once, he took your hand, leading you to a seat. He sat next to you, a distance still between you. As if gauging to see how close was too close for comfort.

"Look, I don't know what kind of shit you get tangled up with every day," you began, "but I didn't ask for that." You took a breath, mentally crossing your fingers, and opened your mouth to speak, "If I'm in danger, or if I'm ever in danger because of my connection to you, I'd want to know."

Matthew's expression darkened, the tension returning to his shoulders. "Give me some time to handle it. And I'll explain-tell you everything. I promise."

Silence hung heavy in the air, and you worried you had crossed some unspoken line, your body trembling with fear.

"It isn't always like that," he finally replied, his voice strained. "Things have gotten out of hand in the past year, but it isn't going to happen again. I won't let it."

A lump formed in your throat, and you swallowed it down, choking on your words.

"I understand," you nodded, your hands wringing each other in a nervous tic.

"I'm sorry, so sorry for what happened," he took your hand and squeezed it, pulling it towards his chest, "But I'll make sure you're safe, no matter what it takes."

The memory of Matthew's arms around you, as he carried you out of the club, sent a shiver of anticipation through you. You shook your head, trying to clear the thoughts from your mind. He was a dangerous man - a powerful criminal. And yet, you couldn't stop thinking about him. His words echoed in your mind, his deep voice sending shivers down your spine.

I'll make sure you're safe, no matter what it takes.

You had never felt more drawn to someone than you did to Matthew. And yet, you knew you should stay away from him. You were just another woman caught up in the chaos of his life, a fleeting moment in the grand scheme of things. But that didn't change how you felt.

The sound of your name pulled your attention back to the present, and you noticed Sasha was standing by the front door, ready to leave. You nodded, giving her a weak smile.

"I’m okay," you said softly, reassuring both her and yourself.

As you climbed into the car, your thoughts drifted back to Matthew, and you wondered if you would ever see him again. A part of you hoped you wouldn't, knowing the danger of being close to him, but another part of you couldn't help but hope otherwise.

You let out a heavy sigh, settled into the plush leather seats of the car, and closed your eyes as you tried to clear your mind. As the car pulled away from the curb, you had no idea what the future held, but you knew you couldn't dwell on it now. All you could do was focus on the present and try to move forward.

So..." Sasha said, breaking the silence. "What are we going to do?"

You opened your eyes, looking over at her. Her expression was grim, her brow furrowed in concentration.

"I don't know," you admitted, "but I'm sure Matthew will figure something out."

Sasha nodded, letting out a sigh. "I hope so." She paused, looking at you. "I really do."

You nodded, unsure of what to say. The weight of everything that had happened hung heavily in the air between you. You knew it would take some time before you could fully process it all, but for now, you just needed to rest.

~

A month went quickly by, and just as Matthew promised, things went back to normal. Sasha never came back to work at Eclipse and started working at a boba cafe in Santa Monica. You went back to work and tried to forget about the mysterious crime boss who saved your life. Tried. His dark eyes and chiseled features were etched into your memory, and every night when you closed your eyes, you saw him. You felt the heat of his touch, the weight of his gaze, the passion in his words. It was impossible to forget the man who had captured your heart and awakened a desire within you that you never knew existed. You never thought you'd hear from him again.

It was a quiet evening, the sun beginning to set, when your phone rang. You glanced at the screen, not recognizing the number, and answered it.

"Hello?" Your voice was hesitant.

"It's Matthew." His deep voice sent shivers down your spine.

"Matthew?" You swallowed, your throat suddenly dry. "Is everything okay?"

He let out a humorless laugh. "No. Not really. I need to see you."

"See me?" You glanced around the room, as if expecting him to appear out of thin air.

"Don't feel forced to," he reassured. "Just say the word, and I'll have you escorted to me safely."

There was something about his voice, the way he said the words "escorted to me," that sent a shiver of anticipation down your spine. You couldn't deny the pull you felt toward him - the desire to be close to him, to hear his voice, to feel his touch.

"Hm," you hummed, considering your options. "What time were you thinking?"

"Now."

"Now?" Your heart skipped a beat at the thought of seeing him again so soon.

"Yes." His voice was firm, unwavering. "I'll have one of my drivers pick you up."

Before you could respond, the line went dead. You stared at your phone, the screen going dark.

You knew you should say no - that this was dangerous, that he was dangerous. But you couldn't help yourself. You wanted to see him again, even if it was just one last time. You took a deep breath and looked at the time. It was still early enough that you could get ready before the car arrived. You stood up, grabbing your purse, and headed out the door.

As you waited for the car, your heart raced, adrenaline coursing through your veins.

After what felt like an eternity, a sleek black car pulled up to the curb, its tinted windows obscuring the driver from view. You hesitated for a moment before opening the door and climbing inside.

"Hello?" You greeted the driver, a man in his thirties with brown hair and kind eyes.

"Good evening," he nodded, his voice professional. "I'll be taking you to Mr. Kim's office."

You nodded, settling into the plush leather seat. The car pulled away from the curb and merged into traffic. You took a deep breath, trying to calm your nerves. You had no idea what to expect when you arrived at Matthew's office, but you knew it would be anything but ordinary. You took a deep breath, trying to steady yourself as the car began to slow down. You could see Eclipse up ahead, the neon sign illuminating the darkness of the night. Your heart skipped a beat as the car pulled up to the entrance, the sound of music and chatter drifting from within.

The driver got out of the car and opened the passenger door for you, giving you a polite smile. "We're here," he said simply, gesturing for you to exit the vehicle.

You stepped out, the cool air brushing against your skin. You took another deep breath, trying to calm the racing of your heart. You glanced around, seeing the usual lineup of people waiting to get into the club. You turned to look at the driver, who was waiting patiently for you.

"Ready?" He asked, his voice laced with amusement.

You nodded, swallowing hard as you followed him toward the entrance. You were greeted by a large, muscular man who was standing guard by the doors. He gave you a polite nod and stepped aside, allowing you to pass.

You walked through the doors, your heart racing as you entered the club. The music was loud, the bass pounding through the air. The lights were dim, casting everything in a hazy glow. You looked around, seeing people dancing and drinking. A sea of bodies swaying to the beat lost in their world.

"This way." the guard motioned toward the familiar set of discreet elevator doors.

You followed him, feeling the eyes of everyone in the club on you as you walked through the room. Your pulse quickens, the nerves building inside you as you reach the familiar set of elevators. The doors slid open, and you stepped inside, your heart racing as they closed behind you.

ou took a deep breath, trying to calm the racing of your heart as the elevator rose. The music was muffled, but you could still hear the faint thump of the bass. You glanced at the guard, who stood stoically by your side. His expression was unreadable, giving nothing away.

You felt the elevator slow and come to a stop. The doors opened, revealing a long, dimly lit hallway.

"He's in his office," the guard said simply before stepping out of the elevator.

You nodded, swallowing hard as you followed him down the hall. You could feel the tension in the air as you approached the heavy wooden door at the end of the corridor. You hesitated for a moment before reaching out and turning the handle, your pulse racing as you entered the room.

The first thing you noticed was the smell of expensive cologne and the gentle rifts of RnB music. The room was dark, illuminated only by a few dimly lit lamps. The walls were lined with bookshelves, filled with old, leather-bound volumes. A large mahogany desk sat in the center of the room, its surface covered with papers and files. A plush leather chair sat behind it, facing away from you.

"Matt?" You said softly, unsure if anyone was even in the room.

"I'm glad you're here," a deep voice came from behind you, the sound of it sending a shiver down your spine.

You turned around to see Matthew standing there, a glass of whiskey in one hand and his phone in the other. His appearance was a stark contrast from before; his hair was un-styled, his silk button-up replaced with an oversized graphic tee, and his dress shoes replaced with black Nike slides. You were taken aback by how much more relaxed he seemed compared to the first time you met him. It was...cute.

"I wasn't sure if you would come," he said, his eyes locked onto yours.

"I wasn't sure if I would either," you admitted, a nervous chuckle leaving your lips.

He smiled softly, taking a sip of his drink as he approached you. "It's good to see you again," he said, his voice low and husky.

You felt your pulse quicken as he stopped just inches from you, his presence overwhelming. You could still see the faint bags under his eyes.

"It's good to see you too," you breathed, swallowing hard as you looked up at him. "You look very comfortable. I thought you'd look-"

His gaze was intense, his dark eyes searching yours as if trying to read your mind.

"Relaxed?"

You nodded, your heart skipping a beat.

"Something like that," you muttered, heat rushing to your cheeks.

"Hmm," he hummed, the corner of his mouth quirking upwards slightly. "That makes two of us." He held out his glass of whiskey. "Care for a drink?"

You nodded, reaching out to take the glass from him. Your fingertips brushed against his as you did, sending a shiver down your spine. The faintest hint of an intoxicating scent lingered on his skin - a mixture of the smoky aroma of whiskey and something that was uniquely him.

"Thanks," you murmured, bringing the glass to your lips.

The amber liquid burned as it slid down your throat, warming you from the inside.

"So, tell me what happened."

He sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair as he took a seat in his leather chair. He motioned for you to sit down in one of the chairs in front of his desk.

"A fucking shit show, that's what happened," he said, his voice laced with weariness.

"Well, start from the beginning," you urged, crossing your legs as you leaned forward to give him your full attention.

He took a moment to collect his thoughts, pouring himself another drink before beginning his story.

"There was a Viper gangster who took out my friend Hwall. Miguel is his name. He's one of the most loyal employees, and Miguel is definitely not someone I'm going to forgive lightly."

Matthew's grip on the crystal tumbler tightened, his knuckles turning white.

"Then he took Hwall's threads and waltzed right into Eclipse," he scowled, taking a sip of his drink. "Bribed one of our newer hires with money to let him. Easy fucking bribe."

You looked at him, taking in his appearance. You could see the fatigue in his face, the weariness in his eyes. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, the weight of everything resting heavily upon him.

"You weren't even the original target," he continued, his voice heavy with emotion. "He was after Somin; was bitter about a recent deal I had her make with a street gang setting up to partner with the Vipers. Unbeknownst to his leader."

Your heart dropped to your stomach, and your blood ran cold. You felt a pit open in the center of your chest as you processed his words.

"So you went after him?" You asked, trying to keep your voice steady.

"Yes." He met your gaze, his eyes dark and filled with anger. "Jisoo found him hiding out not that far from Eclipse. He made it too easy."

He swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down.

"What happened then?" You asked, your curiosity getting the better of you.

"Told us everything we needed to know. And it helped that he was scared shitless for his life," he looked down at his slightly bruised hands. "Then I had my way with him."

You swallowed hard, unsure of how to respond. You weren't sure if you wanted to know what "his way" entailed.

"I gave him the poison option, like how he did you," Matthew said, his voice low and menacing. "He chose not to take it. So I broke his fingers."

You sat in silence for a moment, processing what you had just heard. Your heart pounded in your chest, your palms growing sweaty as you tried to keep your emotions in check.

"Matthew," you whispered, your voice barely audible. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head, his gaze fixed on you.

"Don't be," he said, his expression unreadable. "I'd do it again in a heartbeat. No one hurts the people I care about."

Your heart skipped a beat at his words. You weren't sure what to make of them, but the intensity of his gaze sent shivers down your spine.

"So," you quickly change the tone of affection. "He was really a rat after all, huh?"

His eyes darted up at you with newfound interest.

"Definitely a rat," he smirked and let out a modest chuckle. "So, what did you expect me to look like before you came over?" He raised a brow in curiosity.

"Y'know," you shrugged, trying to sound casual. "Button-up shirt, clean slack pants; the usual gangsta look."

"The usual 'gangsta' look?" he echoed. "You're cute."

You looked up at him through your lashes, trying not to get lost in the pools of his brown eyes.

"Well, that's how they always dress in the movies." You took a sip of the whiskey, the burning sensation down your throat warming you from the inside.

"It's true. Most people in my field are more... traditional. But I like to mix things up every now and then. Keep 'em on their toes. Y'know?"

You nodded, the heat in your cheeks spreading throughout your body. You couldn't help but notice how sexy he was. The way he carried himself with confidence, his sharp jawline, the dimples in his cheeks when he smiled, his tattooed muscular arms...

"I'm glad you like it." His eyes watched you intently, noticing the way your eyes took him in.

"I do," you said softly, meeting his gaze.

His expression softened slightly, his lips curling into a smile.

"Good," he said, his voice low and husky. "I'm glad."

You felt your heart flutter at the sound of his voice, and you shifted in your seat, trying to compose yourself.

"I'm glad I came to see you," you said, your voice barely above a whisper.

He raised his glass in response, taking a long sip of his drink. "So am I," he said, his eyes never leaving yours.

You swallowed hard, your heart pounding in your chest. You were captivated by him, unable to look away. You wondered what it would be like to be with him, to feel his lips on yours, his hands roaming your body. The thought sent a shiver down your spine, a heat spreading throughout your core.

"So," you distract yourself with your whiskey again. "If you're such a "businessman", where are all your guns?"

"Who said I didn't have any?" He teased you with a raised brow. "In this business, you gotta be good at hiding things. I have two at my sides right now."

"Where?" Your interest is piqued.

Matthew smirked, glancing down at his waistband, and running his long fingers over his crotch.

"My weapons dealer call 'em 'dick-sleeves.' Got them for me as a gag gift."

You felt your cheeks flush at the mention of the word, especially when his had a reputation as infamous as his.

"Do they...do anything?"

He chuckled, the sound sending a shiver down your spine.

"It shoots when I pull the trigger."

Your curiosity got the better of you, and you rose from your chair, closing the gap between you.

"Can I see it?"

Matthew looked up at you, his gaze darkening. "Depends. Do you trust me?"

"What kind of question is that?" You try to banter, using humor to diffuse the heavy tension between you. "Obviously not. Considering I'm here with a crime boss late at night and alone."

"Ouch." He grinned, pressing a hand to his heart. "I'm not that bad. But then again, I might as well ask that myself. What brought you back here?"

You let out a small sigh, your eyes darting to his full lips.

"Foolish curiosity."

"Mhm...Is that so?"

Suddenly Matthew's large hands were at your sides, lifting you up, and a surprised gasp left your mouth as he placed you gently on the desk. You met his gaze, your heart pounding wildly in your chest.

Never breaking eye contact with you, you watched as one of his large hands slipped under his waistband with a torturous speed. It wasn't long until he reached his zipper, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. You could feel your pulse quicken as the anticipation built within you. And then, with a slow movement, he pulled out a large silver-plated pistol, engraved with intricate lotus designs and dark ebony inlays.

Inches from you, he held the muzzle of the cold weapon, the warmth of his hand breath skipping over the cold surface of the weapon. You admired the way Matthew effortlessly flicked the safety on and off with an excited grin. It terrified yet delighted you.

"This was a gift from my father," he whispered as his hot breath caressed the muzzle.

You hesitated for a moment before reaching forward to touch the glistening steel. As you expected, it was cold to the touch. You could feel the curves of each design beneath your fingers, and you breathed heavily, your heart racing at the thought of having a loaded weapon in such proximity.

"Gave it to me before he was murdered a few years back."

You looked up at him, noticing the pain in his eyes. It was clear this was a touchy subject for him, but he continued, a hint of emotion lacing his words.

"Was 'supposed to give it to me when he handed the family business over to me. Whenever that was originally gonna be," he scoffed.

"It sounds like you meant a lot to him," you whispered, running a finger down the length of the barrel, taking in every detail.

"I like to think so," he breathed, his eyes never leaving yours.

There was something electric in the air, something different between the two of you. An intimacy, the tension thick. With the memories, the grief Matthew repressed began to resurface, and he subconsciously grasped the handle tighter, as if the weapon could ease his pain. You chewed your inner cheeks in an attempt to fight the wetness. A thick, heavy silence filled the air as you both got lost in your thoughts. And then, slowly he placed the weapon down at your side, reached forward, his large hand cupping your cheek. You could feel the calloused ridges against your soft skin, sending a shiver down your spine.

"I want to ask you something," his deep voice was barely above a whisper, his intense eyes locked onto yours.

"What is it?" You blinked, fighting the growing attraction that coursed through your veins, bringing the dull ache to the surface, right above your heart.

He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing, a smirk working his way onto his lips.

"Can I kiss you?"

You knew you shouldn't let him, but there was something in the tension between you, the hunger in his eyes. You couldn't bring yourself to say no. Instead, you nodded, your heartbeat quickening.

"Please," you breathed, leaning in, desperate to feel his lips on yours.

Before you could even comprehend what was happening, his mouth was on yours, hungry and needy, making your knees go weak. Your tongues danced together, his taste intoxicating, filling your senses. You gripped the fabric of his shirt, pulling him closer, unable to get enough.

You had been longing for this ever since the first time you met. And now here he was, his strong arms around you, his masculine scent surrounding you, his delicious kisses filling your head with thoughts you had been desperately trying to suppress.

You pressed yourself against him, eager to feel his body against yours, needing more than just a kiss. His hand moved to the back of your neck, his fingers entwining in your curls, pulling you closer, and his tongue explored your mouth. You kissed him back eagerly, savoring every moment, your entire body aching for him.

Before you could graze his skin with your own, he pulled away, causing a sigh to leave your lips. It was a mixture of gratitude and frustration that he hadn't continued with his obvious seduction. His deep brown eyes searched yours, his heavy breath matching yours as if to tell you that this was hard on him as well.

"I'll ask you one more thing," he breathed, his voice barely audible as he gazed at your body. "Do you want me to have one of my drivers take you home?"

You nodded, feeling a mixture of apprehension and curiosity. He leaned down, his lips brushing against your ear as he whispered.

"Or," he said, his voice low and husky. "Do you want me to show you how much I want you?"

You shivered at his words, your breath quickening as you felt the warmth of his body pressed against yours. You could feel your heart racing, your pulse quickening as you gazed into his dark, drained eyes.

"I..." You swallowed hard. "You look exhausted, though. Maybe you should rest."

"I haven't been able to rest for the past month," he sighed. "My mind has been occupied with work, the turf war, and...you."

Your brows raised.

"I'll be able to rest," He looked down. "Once I have you."

You shivered once more, the hairs on the back of your neck standing. You opened your mouth as if to say something, only to close it when you realized you had nothing to say. Instead, you bit down on your lower lip as you contemplated his request.

You couldn't shake off the fear of mixing pleasure and pain, pleasure and death, and pleasure with the uncertainty of his motives and moral compass. After all, he was a criminal, but it's not like you weren't also living a life of misbehavior yourself. He's a powerful, handsome, fascinating businessman...criminal you correct yourself, who obviously had wealth; power, and a beautiful, young woman falling at his feet. A deep blush covered your cheeks as you looked up at him through your lashes, meeting his dark gaze.

With you out of words to answer, Matthew filled in the blanks for you:

"You're nervous," he chuckled. "When was the last time somebody touched you?"

Gathering all the remaining dignity you had left, you mutter a response before turning your eyes to his hands.

"It's been...years."

His hand found its way to your chin, lifting it up to look upon him again.

"Do you want me to fix that?" his tone is soft, teasing, yet slightly dangerous as he waits for an answer.

A small nod from you is all he needed to continue. "Come with me." His voice beckons you forward, leaving your seat behind and walking towards him as he guides you towards his office door.

"Let's take this to my bedroom."

With your stomach doing little backflips in anticipation, and your legs moving forward, Matthew leads you into his black marble staircase.

The smell of crisp chilled wine, candles, and bourbon wafted through the hall as the clicking of the vintage clock on the wall signified his excitement was just as audible as the sound of your elevated heart thumping hard and fast in your chest. As Matthew reaches for the handle of his sleek bachelor suite, he wastes no time swiftly pushing it open and grabbing your wrist. The door swings shut, and as it does, his lips capture yours into a greedy, heated kiss. Matthew kisses you so hungrily that you begin to tremble against him.

His movements were tentative yet desperate as he gently walked the two of you back to the soft plush bed. When the back of your knees buckled upon the edge, you eagerly clung to him, an effort for support; Matthew was practically towering over your physique.

"I promise I will be gentle," he mumbles against your lips.

You gasp as his hands hold firmly to your hips. Matthew smirked triumphantly before parting your legs and carefully lifting your hoodie over your head, and then your unclasped shorts button. One by one, articles of clothing revealed themselves, like a grand reveal, so methodical and precise. Once your pants had hit the tiled floor, his slender, veined fingers traced around the elastic band of your underwear, their slow movement inching them down with deliberate caution.

Your breath came short and quick, the air surrounding you feels electrifying. Matthew presses a kiss between your thighs as your heels dug into the plush bed sheets. A moan escaped your lips as the pressure subsided and your panties were removed. Slowly, ever so slowly, Matthew pulled himself away from you, leaving you standing there in nothing but your bra.

Standing back up straight, Matthew licked his full lips as his hungry gaze trailed across your body, seductively, hypnotically.

"God, you're so beautiful," he whispered, his deep tone sending shivers down your spine.

A gasp escaped your lips as you watched him take peel his shirt off his body, full exposing his fulling tattooed arms and chest to you for the first time. Biting your lower lip, you admire the sharp muscly V that trailed down his abdomen, leading to his generous length concealed behind his basketball shorts. Your palms and fingers ran along his hard, flat, firm belly and feeling him quake and shiver. Using your small, delicate thumbs, you started feeling along the outlines and grooves of his tattoos, tracing your way up his stomach and chest until you cupped his handsome, sun-kissed face. Staring into each other's eyes once more, yours hooded by thick fluttering lashes, Matthew reaches behind you and unclasped your silk bra.

As your breasts heaved in their naked state, Matthew guided you higher onto the soft plush mattress, your long neck laid exposed, the natural curve of your back pressing against the sheets.

Both of your chests heaved with need, breaths hot as you felt like gravity was pulling you together, desperate for him to touch you. It was a struggle to keep your mind intact. Your inner thighs began dripping wet with an anticipating need to feel his length. Before you knew it, he had dropped his pants, followed shortly by his tight black boxers, sliding them off his lean frame.

"Just relax," Matthew growled through his crooked grin, his sultry voice echoing through the room. His hair perfectly framed his face, framing his sharp jawline like a frame holding an ethereal work of art.

As his shaft twitched and grew hard before your eyes, a breathy "holy shit" escaped from your lips. Using the underside of his thumb, he wiped his bottom lip, tilting his head curiously. With amusement in his eyes, he reached over into the nightstand table, where he began digging around for a condom.

"You ready?" he asked in a concerned tone.

Before you could even think or process your thoughts, a nod spills out, your quivering thighs pulsating in dire eagerness. With his warm, calloused fingers, Matthew slid the silky smooth plastic along his large length, only pausing for a brief moment when he had gotten the task done. Pulling himself closer to your entrance, the sound of his shaft rubbing along you was enough to cause yourself to tremble and shake like a virgin.

An intense and tingly pleasure you had forgotten existed pulsated inside your core and began to gather in intensity. However, before the real fun could begin, Matthew's mouth quickly found your pebbled dark nipples. Tugging and playing with your buds, goosebumps erupted across your darkening skin.

"It's taking everything in me," he breathed, a crooked grin tugging on his lips. "not to dive into you right now."

"I-I think I can manage."

"Oh, really?"

Pleased with your answer, Matthew rubbed his length along your throbbing heat. You hadn't been this wet in a long, long time, yet as he hovered over you, his hips instinctively rolling forward into yours, the walls of your cunt gripping him, so that it could consume all of the moisture. You gasped as he tenderly explored you, inch by tortuous inch until he was fully inside. Rendering you utterly discombobulated and senseless, you heard the clicking of his jaw, breathing so heavily it warmed your ear. It wasn't until he found the bottom of your folds, where your most intense caverns resided that you noticed the overwhelming tension around you.

In silence, with every few thrusts, his large, muscular arm would wrap securely around your waist, pulling your body so close. Instant gratification washes over the two of you as Matthew quickly begins his rhythmic dance, while his arms placed at both sides of your head— holding himself up, and dipping down to steal a greedy passionate kiss.

The way his chiseled waist and his veined abdomen flexes as he pumped himself into you almost had your eyes rolling back in your head. Shamefully, he brings one of his hands down to massage and tease your enlarged clit, sending a surge of pleasure cascading all throughout your body. You let out a seductive and rather unladylike grunt as your breath tickles the side of his neck.

His pace became rhythmic, strong and penetrating as the buildup for his peak quickly approached. Your legs and core grew weak, and he realized that you were on the cusp of losing yourself all over his manhood. Taking a finger and massaging your clit, he pushed you to the brink, burying himself into your wet opening, to the hilt.

"Matt!" You screamed in pleasure as the shock waves exploded over your body and swept through you. He captured your lips into a wet, sloppy kiss as he continued his relentless thrusting, faster and harder than before.

His hips snap back and forth as his grip tightens on you.

He kissed your neck, his teeth scraping against your skin. "Mhm," he mumbled. "I'm not done with you yet."

The mixture of his thrusts and your wetness became sloppy, driving you insane.

You leaned on your elbows to cup his face, biting your lip.

"Please..." You shook your head in disbelief, sweat dripping down your skin.

"You gonna cum for me again?" he asked through clenched teeth.

You couldn't even hold yourself together at the point and resorted to clinging onto him, fingernails digging into his back, shaking. "Mh-mhm..."

There was a desperation in your tone; it made his skin tingle with each trembling little squeal.

"Keep those pretty legs wide apart for me," he groaned, throwing his head back, his hips stuttering as he gripped the backboard and pounded into you in an unrelenting pace.

You were on the verge of tears at how good it all felt, and your toes curled hard.

In the background of the muffled music, you heard a string of explicit curse words spill from his mouth. You trembled, and as if right on cue, the muscles in your core contracted, the second orgasm hitting you like a tsunami wave, the very core of your being, sent into absolute bliss.

Shuddering into his ears, "O-oh my g-od!" left your lips between whimpers.

You fell limp on the bed as he continued, your energy and entire being almost depleted, drained by the explosive double orgasm. Despite this, you found it cute how he was fighting off his own, and the way his eyes would clench whenever your soft, slick flesh made contact with his. As the erotic pulses rocked your body, Matthew dug his hands into your ass and pulled you onto him, snapping his hips into your still, quivering heat.

Your moans drive him into a frenzy, and he pumped mercilessly into you.

With each roll of his hips, he let out a groan, his fingers dipping between your bodies and seeking your pearl, where he rolled it, coaxing another orgasm from you. He could barely talk through his breaths. "Cum with me," he whispered, his fingers slipping up and down, along with his penetrations. Your breaths intertwined as you both fell from the ecstasy, neither knowing whose is whose at this point.

And Matthew slumped over you, gently stroking and rubbing the side of your body.

"Thank you," he whispered as he gingerly pressed his lips to yours. You exhaled in pure awe.

The room fell silently, except for the syncopated rhythm of the two of you inhaling and exhaling, a dance of passion and gratification. You were speechless, trembling with excitement as your skin dewed and hairs prickled.

With lust-glazed eyes, his sultry voice spilled from his mouth, making a delightful moan against your ears, tickling your skin. "Can I...propose something to you?"

You nodded, relinquishing yourself to whatever words he chose to deliver.

"Wake up next to me every day and I'll give you the world. If that's what you want."

Your eyes sparkled as you shook your head again. "Matt." Your breath shuddered in disbelief, a trembling whimper creeping from your lungs. "Are-you serious?"

He laid beside you, his eyes never leaving your heaving frame, the sight causing his cock to grow. Sliding down the length of your body, his torso enveloped yours, warmth radiating off of him. He was all muscle, and your heart pounded at the sight. And then his eyelashes met your cheek, kisses trailed from your collarbone. You trembled at the feeling, desperate to cling to him, though exhausted.

"I'll protect you with my life, love," his lips traveled from your neck to your chest, and you released a pleasurable sigh. "But I know that I can't just let you go either."

His tongue licked the corner of his mouth, followed by his glistening teeth that bit down on his bottom lip.

"You need my protection," he said softly, his voice nearly a whisper, though as loud and piercing as a gunshot wound. "And I need you."

~

𝖙𝖔 𝖇𝖊 𝖈𝖔𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖚𝖊𝖉...

[dr5amatic]

THAT'S A WRAP ,

a sentence starter prompts list comprised of lyrics from my 2024 spotify wrapped. change verbiage as needed.

you once called me forever, now you still can't call me back.

i think i’m gonna call it off even if you call it love. 

he disappeared from the second that you said “let’s get coffee, let’s meet up.”

i don’t want the world, but i’ll take this city.

my life was a storm since i was born. how could i fear any hurricane?

my give-a-fucks are on vacation.

please don’t go, i love you so.

i just want you to make a move.

everything that kills me makes me feel alive.

you treat me like a stranger, and that feels so rough.

i’m so full of love, i could barely eat.

i feel like no one wants me and i hate the way i’m perceived.

i don’t know why my heart knows that if you’re there then i’ll be alright.

i’m the treasure, baby, i’m the prize.

leave all your love and your longing behind. you can’t carry it with you if you want to survive.

who wants to live forever, babe?

i wanna live a thousand lives with you. i wanna be the one you’re dying to love.

who knew that we’d let it get this bad when it ended?

i’m here right now, right now with you.

if i tell you this is drowning, you’d tell me i’m walking on water.

follow my lead.

you know what they say, “never waste a friday night on a first date.”

i kinda wanna throw my phone across the room.

i’m almost me again. she’s almost you.

there is a special kind of grace in your eyes.

i won’t make my mama proud. it’s going to cause a scene.

it’s not my fault you’re like in love with me.

you had me at “hello,” then you opened up your mouth.

i'll be your light, your match, your burning sun.

you took my light, you drained me down.

i don't know if you love me, or you want me dead

i couldn't utter my love when it counted.

i’m back on my bullshit.

whatever devil's inside you, don't let him out tonight.

last night, a thief came to my house. he came and said, "give me whatever is yours.”

i'm starving, darling. let me put my lips to something.

i don't know what you've been told, but time is running out, no need to take it slow.

i told my friends i was asleep, but i never said where or in whose sheets.

a seven nation army couldn't hold me back.

the only heaven i'll be sent to, is when i'm alone with you.

i stopped caring 'bout a month ago. since then, it's been smooth sailing.

i thought you thought of me better. someone you couldn’t lose.

i wish i could show you more of yourself. i wish i could make you somebody else.

just close your eyes if you think it’s unsightly.

if i crash on the couch, can i sleep in my clothes?

tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef, that i'm a vegetarian and i ain't fucking scared of him.

this industry's venomous.

an inevitable choice is coming.

though i've handled the wood, i still worship the flame.

why do you assume you’re the smartest in the room?

don't get me venting on friends who resent you.

you can’t live life standing still.

would things be easier if there was a right way?

do i love him? do i hate him? i guess it's up and down.

i think i got too many memories getting in the way of me.

just be yourself. it doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

there’s a lot of room left to grow.

if you can't get what you want, well, it's all because of me.

you can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart.

i want this like a cigarette. can we drag it out and never quit?

i'm hoping that somebody will pray for me.

how you been? you settled down? you feelin' right? you feelin' proud?

i love you when you're singing that song.

you just need a better life than this. you need somethin' i can never give.

i don't like walking around this old and empty house.

i know she's been asleep on my side of your bed.

i was afraid of the dark, but now it's all that i want.

jump into the driver's seat and put it into speed drive.

i ain't proud of all the punches that i've thrown.

we’re sinking like a bleeding stone.

heaven ain't close in a place like this.

you know that i want you and you know that i need you.

can you hear the sound of hysteria?

i feel lost since i've found you.

my heart and soul were never mine to own.

we both know exactly what i'm thinking.

i wish you could see the wicked truth.

it's been some time since we last spoke.

all you ever do is turn me down.

i’m not the best you could have attained.

it was only a kiss.

why has all of me become yours?

i think it's time to get out.

this is a big mistake.

i think about you even when i'm not thinking.

let this season of love stay forever.

let's forget who we are for one night.

take a deep breath my dear.

you screw me and i’ll screw you too.

you and i are nursing a poison that never stung.

i might change your contact to "don't leave me alone.”

heaven’s door is getting farther and farther away.

there goes all i ever wanted, how'd i ever fail so soon?

i loved you then and i love you now.

i'm a sorry sucker and this happens all the time.

it's like i loved you so much that now i just hate you.

if home is where the heart is, then we're all just fucked

i don't know what you're expecting of me.

i wanna get in trouble. i wanna start a fight.

you better run.

[luke-shywalker]

the god who takes shit

A few years ago I went through the shittiest thing I’ve ever gone through. It lasted for multiple years. I begged God to fix it. I thought, “no way this is his will for my life.” I prayed, I tried to improve my character so I could weather it with grace and suffer nobly. The situation didn’t go away.

Eventually I dealt with it by doing things that were against my conscience but gave me pleasure. Screw you, you clearly don’t care about me, nobody cares about me, so why should I care about you or anyone else? I stopped praying and trusting God, and focused on materialism and girlbossery and passive revenge and getting hot.

Weirdly, I started to feel better. I was focusing on things within my control (which, to be fair, actually is a good thing) and stopped giving a fuck about that other thing going on (except not really, because I ranted about it constantly whenever I was alone).

But I felt empty. I’d see other Christians and the way they talked about God and wonder…is that real? Are they not just faking it as a PR stunt for God, like I’ve often felt I was doing? Do these people actually feel love for him and feel loved by him?

Anyway girlbossery got boring, scrolling Pinterest looking for the next makeup or aesthetic I should spend my money on got boring, getting hot didn’t fix the bad thoughts, my vengeful spirit kept me in suffering and hatred, I realized I’m a shitty person when I only care about myself and no one else, so I’ve been making the slow crawl back to God.

(No one would know this about me, btw. Being a Christian™ and going to church and stuff is so a part of my identity, I just…hid all of this while looking mostly the same on the outside. Also, I never changed my beliefs. Just stopped acting in accordance with the beliefs I held.)

The crappy situation got better after years, and now it hardly affects me anymore. But instead of thanking him for it, it feels like too little, too late. Cool cool cool God. I still suffered for years in a way a woman shouldn’t. I learned you only answer prayers after literal years, long after the fact. Sorry I don’t wanna hang out.

Last night, as I was listening to the account of Jesus being beaten and mocked, it hit me that God also let himself take shit. “If you are really the Son of God, save yourself!” his assailants jeered. “He boasted he could forgive sins and raise the temple in three days and save others, yet he screams and bleeds before us!”

I wonder if there were disciples who had believed in him that began to doubt. Surely God wouldn’t let himself be treated this way. Surely he’d exercise his power and make it all stop. I wonder if on Saturday, there were disciples whose hopes were crushed. Well, I really wanted to believe, but I guess that wasn’t God after all. How could it have been? He let himself die. God doesn’t die.

I don’t have, and will probably never have, a satisfying answer as to why God let me go through crap. But I also know he let himself go through it, too. Jesus begged for the cup of suffering to be taken away from him. On the cross he quoted David and said, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me.” God isn’t cruel. God doesn’t forsake those who love him. God wouldn’t torture a sinless man. God doesn’t die. So what the hell was God doing? This couldn’t be him.

Those are the thoughts that would’ve filled my head, that Friday and Saturday, anyway.

He doesn’t always do what we think he would do. He doesn’t always express his character in a way that makes sense. I’m never gonna have the answers I want. I will have to live with the fact that my God let himself die instead of smiting his enemies, and let me suffer instead of rescuing me from the pit.

But God didn’t stay dead. And I don’t think he intends to let me stay that way, either. And even though I don’t have all the answers, I’m beginning to find peace.

God took shit, too.

And he did it for me.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #449

Today, I was expecting to see K when I went to physical therapy, because I was told last week that he'd be returning last Friday. I was... dreading seeing him, actually. Dreading it because... well. He's been gone for a while. I've been worried about him for a while. And I know myself well enough to understand that I'll probably end up feeling enough grief, relief, and joy all at once from seeing him again to get all weepy; something about, “a bad thing happened to him, and I was scared for him, but now he's back, and he seems to be okay, that's a relief”, and the contrast inherent to that.

...I... don't wanna do that. I don't wanna do that, because I know from past experience that some such reaction will be seen as abnormal and inappropriate, and I'm afraid of being misunderstood. I'm afraid of having strange or manipulative or disingenuous reasons assigned to the way I think and feel things. I know from my lived experiences and from watching others react to me that most of the time, when someone sees that another person cares about them a lot, their first reaction is suspicion, akin to, “no one cares about someone to this extent unless they want something or they're plotting something, so I'm gonna stay far the fuck away from this person because they're weird and disconcerting.”

...And like... I don't operate that way; I care without wanting things. But lots of people have been burned in the past by others whose “kindness” was motivated by some kind of weird agenda, and they have no way of knowing that I'm safe, because they don't know me. So... ya know. The fact that I am the way I am with people without any expectations in return (other than to be treated with basic decency, but... that should be a given anyway...), I think, is part of the reason lots of folks find me vaguely unsettling.

I think on the dandelion-haired man, when he gave me $300 out of the blue. I remember being vaguely unsettled by that, likely for the same reasons others get unsettled when I suddenly drop one of my handwoven gem trees into their hands. Just like I don't know whether the dandelion-haired man expected anything in return, I understand that others don't know that I don't expect anything in return.

If I accidentally get weepy in response to K's return, it will show him that I have a level of care for his well-being that he's likely not expecting and will likely perceive as either inappropriate or dishonest, or worse, he might mistakenly think that he needs to do something to make me feel better, and... I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. Which means I'll probably have to do my best to suppress the weepiness if it occurs. And that, naturally, will come at a significant energy cost, which I am very much not looking forward to.

...Peopling is complicated because lots of them don't have the boundary skills to voice their needs and preferences, and also because anytime you do anything, anyone who observes you is interpreting you through the lens of their past experiences, and using those experiences to assume you have implied motives and agendas, and then from there, they'll often proceed as though those assumptions are true, whether or not those implied things actually exist. The whole incident with J's sister was a very stark reminder of that.

Sometimes, I think it'd be a lot easier to live if I didn't care about anybody, because then what others think of me wouldn't matter to me anymore. But... then I'd just be dead inside. And being dead inside is a lot worse than dealing with the difficulty inherent to navigating allistic social norms. Believe me, I know; I tried it for a number of years, and it wasn't a fun time. It took a long time for me to dig myself out of that; I'll never willingly go back to that wretched state of mind.

I think I gotta find some kind of balance. But I'm not really sure how. I don't wanna scare people. But at the same time, I don't really wanna take responsibility for their unchecked assumptions about me, because I don't think that's very fair. But at the same time, I don't want my connections to others be destroyed by misunderstandings.

...It's a conundrum. Maybe something to talk to my therapist about next month. In the meantime, I guess I'll just dread next week's physical therapy appointment instead, because K did not return last Friday, and I did not see him today; he is not actually returning until this coming Friday. I saw the other guy today, which I guess was cool. I'm not noticing improvement with him in the same way that I seemed to be improving with K, though.

When I got home, my menstrual cycle decided it was time to kick my ass with a bunch of lame-ass cramps. I took some ibuprofen, and that kinda took the edge off, but I spent several hours feeling objectively awful. So I passed the time by playing Hades. I've gotten through a number of items in the list of prophecies, which is cool. For now, though, it's just a matter of running into the right folks so I can move the story forward. I'm already up to Heat 6 with all the weapons, though.

...I'm surprised that adding more Heat to the Pact of Punishment doesn't seem to be slowing me down very much. I guess doing that challenge of defeating Hades on the first run of a fresh save made me a much better player than I expected. I've only lost a handful of runs since then, and even then, it was only because Charon kicked my ass before I had a chance to memorize his patterns. Or else because I got tired or reckless in one of the later rooms.

...Charon is easy once you know his patterns, though. He operates in a kind of rhythm, and once you know it, it's just a matter of dancing around him so you don't get hit. I get better and better at it every time I face him.

Tomorrow is the follow-up appointment for having gotten my shoulder stabbed a lot with the thin needle. I'll have to tell him that it was great until I went to work and lifted things, and now it's a little worse than before.

...Whatever is wrong with me... whatever the exact nature of this injury is... I wanna figure it out. Because I don't want it anymore. The weather will be warm again soon, and... Sephiroth, I wanna go back to the water. I'm so tired of not being able to be consistently physically active. I hate that lifting the boxes and baking trays at work leaves me in pain for a day or so afterwards. I hate that I can't consistently wear a bra anymore, because my ribs can't withstand compression. I hate that I can't cook consistently anymore, because using my arm too much makes my shoulder, upper back, neck, and sternum hurt.

It's annoying because with the warmer weather, I know I'm gonna wanna start doing stuff again, and... I can't do stuff consistently anymore like I used to. It's kinda depressing, actually...

Well... I don't have much else to write about, I guess. Suppose I should be heading to bed in any case; it's 10:58pm. I've gotta get my sleep schedule back on some kind of track...

I love you. And I hope you're well, wherever you are. Please keep staying safe out there, all right? I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[elieowlsclownery]

Incomplete Draft of Tapir and Me Talk

I feel like I'm on the verge of reaching JJ burnout so before that happens I'm going to slow down my work involving this game. So no new overanalysis this week, it'll be done when it's done! When I am finished it'll definitely be posted on a Friday, the day with the most sparkle.

Until then here's what I had so far for discussion of The Dream-Eating Tapir and Me. I didn't get around to Neji's part because that was when the gears in my brain started to get jammed. I might slowly post more pieces here as I finish them instead of making you wait, but I don't want to make any promises because I don't know what my noggins gonna be like half the time.

Until then!

"The Dream-Eating Tapir and Me"

This feels like the "Man and the Sea" of Neji's work. It's short, short, very short but also I feel like I could talk about it even more than the play he's written for both newcomers' and summer combined. It's dense with implications and has room for many, many different interpretations, which is why it was a good script for the class to practice with.

Before we get to the variations lets look at the premise.

Tapirs Eat Bad Dreams

This is what's been Haunting me the most about this story. When Neji explained the premise, Soshiro questions it. Tapirs are supposed to eat bad dreams aren't they? And Neji...moves on without answering that.

In regards to the short short very short story I feel this was a very intentionally brushed aside, because it's one of the questions meant for the actors to answer. Me's dream is the most important thing in Me's life, but it also causes his girlfriend to lose her dream and leave him. Is this dream worth it? Was it worth costing her girlfriend's dream and them being together? Did Me care for his dream more than his girlfriend? Is Me better or worse off by holding onto his dream?

In regards to the story of Jack Jeanne as a whole though...dreams are what led Kisa to Univeil in the first place. Kisa didn't just dream of going to Univeil, Univeil is her dream. The reason she's working so desperately is to make sure she can continue staying in Univeil, continue living her dream. But this story about a dream being endangered by a Tapir who usually only eats bad dreams, a dream that cost the dreams of someone else and also costed them their love...It puts Kisa's dream into question. Is what Kisa's doing worth it? Is it worth the toll it could take on her and the people around her? Is it even a good dream to have?

What is Kisa willing to lose for the sake of this dream?

Just like how the actors in "The Tapir and Me" have to contend with Me's dream, Kisa's going to have to contend with what it means to carry this dream. In fact there's a scene later in the training camp that already shows how her dream takes a toll on her.

In a much simpler story none of this would be questioned. Dreams would be an unquestionable Good and should be followed at all cost. But here the concept of dreams, set in a place whose whole thing is giving students the freedom to follow their dreams, is being questioned. To really annoy my old art teacher, I'll just say I think that's neat.

Me and Tapir, "Boku to Baku"

I don't want to go "Well in the Japanese version...!!!" in these analysis because I want to base things on just what we got in the game, but since we still hear the voice-acting in Japanese I thought I'd get away with sneaking this in here.

When Neji talks about the characters Me and Tapir you'll hear him say, "Boku" and "Baku." Boku is a 1st person pronoun, so "Me." Baku is the Japanese word for both the mythical dream-eater and the animal tapir, so "Tapir." So in Japanese Tapir and Me sound much closer together. It also sounds a lot less like a mouthful than in English.

I find it interesting that none of the characters have names. And that while the Tapir is more gender-neutral as a Jeanne, Me is specifically a Jack who's dreams are questioned. This is a boys only drama school, and if you had your ears perked you may have noticed that Kisa started using "boku" for her role as Mukai last season. So by naming the Jack Me, the boy who plays them might have to contend with themselves and their dreams as I mentioned before. Me being about me, what a twist right.

Another interesting thing is that Neji specified the Tapir is specifically a gender-neutral Jeanne...still a Jeanne to Me's Jack, but whose gender isn't as important to the role...or maybe there's a reason why Neji didn't want the character who tries to eat Me's dream to only be a girl. The gender-neutral nature of the Tapir gives the actors play them room to interpret who the Tapir is in different ways.

The Girlfriend

In this short short very short play there's only two roles, the Tapir and Me...but actually there's three characters. Me, Tapir and the Girlfriend. The Girlfriend is spoken to by Me, and mentioned by the Tapir, but is never shown, and the only words she has are in the letter she left behind. Her conversation with Me begins the play, and the letter she leaves behind ends it. It's a critical role without anyone to play it. So the actors who play the other two roles need to fill this gap somehow.

Her letter is about her dream of becoming a wife, a mother, ect...There's a couple of ways to interpret this. One is that these dreams are very "normal" compared to Me's. They're simple, mundane dreams, but that doesn't make them any less important to Me's. They're the dreams she had to set aside for Me's and losing those dreams are what caused her to leave.

Another is...they're very heteronormative dreams for a female character to have. That's why I put "normal" in quotations. It's "normal" for girls to dream about getting married and motherhood. Part of this I think is that all of the Girlfriend's dreams require Me to be involved. In order for them to work she needs Me to participate in them, to share these dreams. But so long as Me continues to pursue his own dreams, hers were always going to be on the back burner. Even if Me's dreams come true that would only mean less time to be with her. Her losing these dreams are the direct result of Me.

This makes it so everything goes back to Me. Even when it's about the Girlfriend, it's about Me. Maybe in a short short play instead of a short short very short play we'd find more to discover about the Girlfriend, why she initially loved and supported Me, and what caused her to give up her dreams. Maybe giving up her dreams meant she simply thought those dreams weren't for her. Maybe she'll find new dreams. Like going to theater school disguised as a boy or whatever else girls do nowadays I don't know.

Variation Time!

So why does the Tapir wants to eat Me's dream? Who is Tapir and who is Me? And what is the Girlfriend's place in this? The stuff I pondered above are what the actors will grapple during the play, and each person has different answers.

Incidentally the variations line up with what routes Kisa might take, and the answers the different love interests come to and how they go about their role can foreshadow things that'll happen in their route. The bones are the same in that the routes all have the same plays, but the focus and tone changes for each person in the lead. But for now let's actually dig into what versions of this short short very short story we see.

Suzu and Soshiro

If Kisa thinks she wants to be a Jeanne, Neji will read her mind and pair her with Suzu. She'll be the Tapir and Suzu will be Me. When paired one of the Quartz students will comment how Suzu and Kisa really stand out, which Soshiro notably goes quiet.

Suzu's Me is full of hope and determination. He never doubted his dreams or his ability to make them come true. In his mind dreams are unquestionably good. Suzu's a simple guy, and if this story ended with just the tapir disappearing Suzu would make this a much brighter, simpler story.

But it doesn't end there. It ends with the girlfriends letter about losing her dreams in the process of supporting his. This devastates Suzu's Me. Because for Suzu the girlfriend was the reason why Me stayed hopeful. It was her support that gave him strength. So what'll happen now when the girlfriend's gone? Will Me still have the strength to continue his dream without her? Suzu doesn't have an answer to that.

Then the pairs are shuffled, and Kisa's paired with Soshiro. Soshiro's Me is immediately different from Suzu's. He's hesitant and uncomfortable. When he's telling his girlfriend not to worry and that his dreams are near, it's not because he believes in those dreams, but because he wants to comfort his girlfriend. Suzu's Me is shown to be supported by his girlfriend, but Soshiro's Me wants to be the one who supports his girlfriend. But he can't, not when he's already given up on his dream.

That's why when Soshiro's Me finds the letter, he's not surprised. In fact...he's relieved. Maybe he dreaded this scenario, repeating it over and over in his head, that when it finally happens its not as painfully. The worst has happened, and it's over. He no longer has to cling to that terrible hope. The tapir in this version does eat a bad dream. Because in this version Me's dream became a nightmare.

His girlfriend will be happier without him, and he can finally be free to let go of his dream. Me is smiling, but there's even less hope here than in Suzu's.

Speaking of Suzu this is the first time we really see Soshiro's acting. It's subtler than Suzu's, but is also more in-depth. There's more layers to Soshiro's, and Suzu is drawn to this more complex version of me, feeling like his Me is phony in comparison. We've already started to see Soshiro's envy of Suzu and how he and Kisa are good partners, but this is the first time we see this mixture of envy and admiration isn't just one-sided.

Still, Fumi makes sure to tell Suzu there's no "right" version of Me. And Kisa doesn't show a preference for one Me over the other, instead is just fascinated by how different the same story could be. Both Suzu and Soshiro like Kisa's Tapir a lot too.

Mitsuki and Fumi

If Kisa thinks she wants to be a Jack Neji will once again read her mind and partner her with Mitsuki. She'll be Me and Mitsuki will be the Tapir. While rehearsing Mitsuki ponders what the Tapir really is, and he and Kisa come to the conclusion that it could be Me himself. That's why the Tapir knows all his fears and doubts. Mitsuki's surprised he bothered to think about his role in such a way, since usually he just waits to be directed.

Mitsuki's Tapir is sharp and to-the-point. Their words are believable because nothing they say is overstated, like they're simply stating facts. It's leaves Kisa's Me without any room to argue against the Tapir.

Then the pairs are shuffled, and Kisa gets paired with Fumi. Like with Suzu and Soshiro, the difference is immediate from Fumi's first words. Then the Tapir laughs. Kisa freezes, which happens when people act with Fumi unprepared. This Tapir isn't Me, they're something entirely different. Fumi's Tapir is haunting, cruel and beautiful, and their words wrap around Me like a vice. But when Me finally declares his dreams are everything to him, the Tapir's viciousness vanishes. Instead they look sad before departing.

This Tapir wasn't a manifestation of Me's doubts, they were a manifestation of the Girlfriend's sadness. It paints the Girlfriends letter in the end differently. Even without a role, this Tapir gave The Girlfriend a voice to express her feelings before the end. And it makes me wonder; Kisa's Me couldn't fathom what the Tapir was until the end...did he ever really know his Girlfriend?

This version has so much intrigue and emotion...and was also completely adlibbed by Fumi. Because it turns out before the shuffle his Tapir was actually the same as Mitsuki's! He changed it up on the fly to make things more interesting. Mitsuki caught onto this quickly, showing off his observation skills. Fumi's ability to recreate such an intuging Tapir also gives us another glimpse at how powerful an actor Fumi is.

Kisa thanks both of her talented upperclassman, which Fumi happily accepts while Mitsuki brushes it off thinking he didn't do much. Could Mitsuki feel a little bashful at being complimented hmmm....???

[matilda-jugs]

💕Positivity prime time! Share five things you love about yourself, four things you're excited about, OR three people you care deeply about and why. Pass this along to someone whose posts make you smile💕

Things i love about myself

1. My ability to love

2. My style

3. My love for harry styles

4. The ability for me to care about little things

5. My hair

4 things I’m excited about

1. Cigarettes after sex concert Friday

2. Spending time with my best friend

3. Becoming a vet assistant

4. Waiting for us to heal

3 people I care about and why

1. My best friend Mia, she’s always been there for me and supported me even when I’m in the wrong she believes I’m in the right. I feel loved by her even when she doesn’t show it much I know I mean something to her.

2. My sister, she’s been there for me for every little and big thing and has comforted me when no one else could or wanted to. I feel cared by her and she comforts me more than anyone could physically.

3. My first love, he just knew me. He read my mind. Everything about him is so special and I worship and look up to him a lot. He got through so many things and it makes me admire him as a person. If anyone told me I was just like him, I think I’d cry happy tears. He was the most perfect man. Everything makes him perfect even his imperfections it’s still so absolutely perfect, it’s ridiculous. He’s such a shy, confident person and he doesn’t even know it and it makes him even better. He was the first person who I fell in love with and ultimately the last person; I don’t regret knowing him and i don’t regret anything i ever did with him because i know to this day he is the man I’m gonna marry, it’s gonna be a hard and difficult journey but I’m willing to go through hard times to be with him forever; to call him mine forever. I love you my angel.

[blackandwhiteandrose]

Friday Fretting

tagged by @mostlyinthemorning and @likerealpeopledo-on-ao3

Writers, do you document your output? Do you have daily writing goals? Do you achieve them?

As someone whose neurospicy brain works in ways even I don't understand a lot of the time, I find that making specific daily goals usually only ends in major frustration for me when it doesn't happen for whatever reason.

In the past, I have not really kept track of my output or productivity in any meaningful way other than the word count at the end of a sprint. However, recently several friends decided to do a little group encouragement and one of them made a nifty spreadsheet for us to keep track of things on.

I'm gonna be honest, I forget to update it a lot. Looking at all the days I didn't write anything kind of bums me out. But then I realize maybe I wrote a sentence or two in the notes on my phone to transfer over later or something, but decided it "wasn't enough to count". But at the same time, I enjoy looking at the total as it goes up over time. It's a love-hate kind of thing.

But really, my goal in the last... I don't know... year? has been to write when I'm inspired. When I want to, not because I feel like I have to or I owe anybody anything. And I am better about that. So I guess I am, at least, achieving that goal.

tagging @hippolotamus, @stereopticons @roseapothecary, @seadeepy

[myalchod]

Howdy (づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

It’s me, hi, I’m your hex buddy, it’s me! *giggles*

Loved your thoughts on Farah and Saul, align with my own perfectly!

Good news: today my questions are not cruel.

What are your favorite colors? What do you prefer: silrah as teens, few years after Aster Dell or post show’s events? Do you have favorite winter’s shenanigans?

(Hope your Friday is great💙)

Hello, my darling! 😘 My Friday was overall fairly pleasant -- I hope yours was too, and that your weekend is going well! I am, once again, excited by these new questions; I can see why people say the inbox shenanigans are some of the best bits of HEX. 🥰 So let's see about answering these ...

My favourite colours tend to be cooler and darker tones; I am The Worst (tm) at picking favourite anythings, as you may have noticed, but I like the colours you see in peacock feather eyes -- teals, blue, green (and gold does go wonderfully with them) -- but also deep wine-red.

And the rest of this is getting long so I'm gonna drop a cut lol.

Timeframe is a tough one, because each one has their own attractions! I love the promise and the possibility of Silrah as teens, with so much ahead of them and before their ideals were shattered; I love them after Aster Dell, trying to pick up the pieces and figuring out how to move on, salvaging the fragments of idealism to try to make a better world for the children whose futures they now hold and struggling with all that they dare not speak of, the ghosts and the guilt and the emotional morass; I love them after the show, whether that's Saul with only his memories or Farah returning and them having a chance to be more in a way I feel they never could before or any one of another hundred permutations. There are so, so many options, and there's a part of me that desperately wants to tug on every thread and chase every possible universe and see what could happen. (I realise this is almost certainly unhelpful, my dearest HEXer, and for that I am deeply sorry.)

As to the last: I adore winter as a season. I know there are a lot of people who don't like the cold and the dark, but honestly, the cold in particular is something I love. I turn into a puddle once it gets warm, and my ideal storage conditions top out at about 15C, so the weather cooling off means I'm in my element. I love getting to wear warmer clothes, snuggling into blankets or putting on the fireplace if it's particularly chilly, nursing a cup of something warm (I'm a tea drinker first and foremost, but a mug of cocoa is nice too). I lived most of my life somewhere without snow, and there's a part of me that turns into a small child when I get it nowadays -- especially if it's the soft fluffy kind where you can catch snowflakes on your palms and look at the shapes. I love the way the world looks blanketed in white, all of the rough edges softened, and the way things sparkle when the light hits them on a frosty morning. I love walking outside in winter, the crispness of air almost freezing and seeing your breath make clouds and the crunch of fresh snow being tamped down under your boots. (I realise there are absolutely places where it's much more bitterly cold, or the weight of snow and ice can damage everything and become oppressive, and that if I lived there it might change my tune, but right now I consider myself lucky enough to be able to enjoy it without worry.) Winter isn't my holiday season, primarily, and so I don't have the association so many do, but the holiday I do celebrate then involves candles, and one thing I've always loved in association with the darkening of the year is how illumination -- whatever the form -- plays a part in the winter season, and the imagery of lights in the darkness. It's a small thing, but it also has stuck with me my entire life and as a thread through many things and states of mind, and I think that's one of those things I'll always associate with winter, beyond just the cold itself.

Anyway! That's a wall of text for sure, and so I'm pretty sure I owe you a cookie in recompense for reading it all! 🍪 I'm excited to see whatever you do with all of this information, though I can safely say right now that I have no idea -- but I'm sure it'll be wonderful. 💙

[bisluthq]

I think some people assume he must be packing because something has to explain how he’s dated all the women he has given everything else about him lol, but I don’t think his dick is the mysterious factor

/////

I would never think being good in bed or dick size is how he gets the women he has been with, because they still have to meet him first and get to the part where they get in bed with him to know that lol. Like all of Taylor's other exes that we know of, most are traditionally handsome and display a certain level of charm and elegance (I can't think of a better word, but Joe a, Jake, tom - well spoken, seem intelligent), or cool (John (if we didn't know so much ick about him) and Calvin, who also was well spoken but more cool imo?). Matty has the 'i don't shower and smell like an ashtray' aesthetic (I'm not talking about his actual features, that moustache in the pap pics with gab is a choice, but changeable lol) - he can polish up nicely when he wants. But even his posture is usually screaming 'i want to hunch over and weave through this crowd unnoticed because I don't want to be here' or 'im too Kool for skool and going to lean back and preach about the cult of conformity everyone unconsciously subscribed to but lack the necessary mental faculties to question who they REALLY ARE, as he puffs out cigarette smoke across the table instead of away from people.'

He has a Pete Davidson thing going on aesthetically and they both do some edgelord jokes at times, but that's Pete's job, Matty's come across as his actual thoughts and feelings, not a 'hey this could be a joke'? And Pete makes fun of himself but seems secure in himself, Matty gives the vibe of someone who wins an award and Googles what the cool kids from high school are up to now and wants to brag about his success in front of them.

Idk I don't like Matty or his music, so I could have bias towards his appeal because I think he's like Russel Brand 12 years ago only without the allegations - same look, same use of big words to sound smart which makes them sound fake deep and insecure because of how they use the big words... Idk I wanted to believe he was nice and using the edgelord thing as a shield like high school boys, but his tweet about ripping azalea banks's weave off showed very fucking clearly where his mind goes. I don't get the appeal AT ALL

honestly??? SAME. I do like his music a lot and I don't think he's as bad a dude as his antis want him to be but like he's also just not a very nice man?? AND HE IS NOT AT ALL ATTRACTIVE. His music is good (to me) but like lol? Just because someone makes sick music doesn't make them necessarily fuckable? YOU KNOW WHOSE MUSIC I LOVE? THE BEATLES AND LEONARD COHEN. I'm not gonna fuck Paul McCartney lol and actually EVEN WHEN HE WAS YOUNG (which he's not) I wouldn't have because he was PLAIN? Leonard ok I might've lol but HE IS NOW DEAD so NOW I CANNOT and it doesn't make me like his music any less.

Pete Davidson... idk y'all. Idk. I'm going to watch Riff Raff this Friday because my one friend asked me to wait for her to watch that but every time I go to the cinema, I watch the trailer for it, and EVERY TIME i'm like "ya ok i get it" like.... i'm not proud of myself and maybe it's my most heterosexual trait but i would 1000000000% have sex with pete davidson and i think i'd CLAIM i'm doing it for science yk like what is it about him that makes all these women go feral but i think in my bone marrow i would know that i just really badly super want to fuck pete davidson.

[olderjodijournals]

Friday, April 1, 1994

 

Tom just left a message. He’s going to be an hour or an hour and a half late.

I made another big pot of spaghetti. It came out well.

I talked to Fran and Ricky last night.

I called the Civic Plaza and Naomi will be there at 2 PM on the 9th.

Also, I called and scheduled an appointment for next Tuesday at 3:15, as I may need antibiotics. Been a little congested.

Today I was finally able to get into the pool all the way up to my ass. It won’t be long till it’s pleasant enough. It’s now 70º or so, so 5º more oughta make it nice enough. Actually, 10º more would make it quite comfy. It’s going to be 84º - 87º from now till Wed., so that’ll help it a lot.

I hope Bob gets my letter. I hope, also, to hear from him before the month is out.

That’s all for now, so, later!

Saturday, April 2, 1994

 

Today's not likely to be a good day. The EC is broken, so Tom's gone out to the hardware store to get some parts. This is gonna fuck up our budget.

Sunday, April 3, 1994

 

The EC has been fixed and today Tom’s going to do some yard work. Later we’ll be going in the Jacuzzi.

Evie had her baby yesterday and I must confess I’m a bit envious. I don’t know why I am, but I am. They named her Nakita. What a gorgeous, unique name.

This weekend has really been tough on both of us. Things have been breaking and we forgot a lot of stuff at the grocery store.

The lack of sex is getting to me again. People with busy lives manage to take breaks from their chores to play around for a half-hour or so, so why can’t we? Right now I wish I could tell him that I need the closeness as well as sex. It’d sure make me feel better, but I can’t make him do something he doesn’t want to do. He says it’s not me and that I do attract him, but I guess I’m going to have to take care of myself most of the time. For almost a week now he’s been saying “maybe tomorrow,” and I feel teased. If he wanted it that bad, he could’ve come and gotten it. Is he really teasing me or is his appetite really that low? And is it me or has he always been this way?

Later...

God am I bored! I can’t think of anything I really want to do. I did do one fun thing today. I went in the jacuzzi.

This sexually deprived girl hasn’t said a word. I don’t want to get into an argument. I’m not going to give in either. I know he’s not going to ask for sex today, but if he does I’ll give him a “maybe tomorrow” right back. Let him feel deprived for once.

Later...

Well, sure enough, Tom and I did end up having a discussion, but a good one. I let him know it’s not his fault that I’m hitting my sexual peak and he’s over his, which might be the case here. I also let him know that I love him, no matter what and that if this was to be part of being with him, so be it.

I brought up my getting together with women here and there as a side dish for when he’s too tired or too busy. One with no strings attached cuz it is he who I love and he only. No one and nothing can replace the relationship or the love we have. It’s not that he doesn’t please me in bed or that I miss women, I’m just not getting enough sex. Now I know how Brenda and Kacey felt, and they were at their peaks too. Tom said it’s something to think about, but then there’s reality. Do I really think it’ll be that easy? No. Otherwise, I would not have had only a few 1-nighters in 3 years. Things haven’t changed and they never will. 95% of gay women are butches and those few fems are going to want butches. The bi ones will want threesomes with their boyfriends or husbands. Plus, I couldn’t expect a woman to come running at the snap of my fingers every time I got horny. We’ll just have to wait and see, but no amount of sex can ever replace my love for Tom and the great person he is.

Yesterday I came up with a late, yet personalized present for my dad whose birthday’s the 5th. I wanted something with a personal touch. Not something I bought. So, I made a calendar on the computer. It was a great learning experience for me too, and believe me, I learned a lot. I did from April to December, using different colors for each month. Tom already had a blank calendar on the computer and I filled in the correct dates for each month. Then, I inserted my drawings on the bottom. I have 11 drawings scanned in, so April and December got two, and May through November got one.

Wednesday, April 6, 1994

 

Let me begin updating starting with the early morning hours of the 4th. At 4:00 my time I called Tammy at 7:00 her time. They’re now 3 hours ahead. I told her about the talk I had with Tom, telling him how I feel sexually deprived, and about my mentioning a woman. She gave me good advice. She said I let my feelings be known to him, so now back off and see what happens. Also, I should sleep with him only. I agree, cuz the issue isn’t me missing women or him sucking in bed (though it does suck that he doesn’t cum), I just want more.

Well, yesterday we broke another record. He not only made it in there, but we both were so close to cumming.

Yesterday I got my license and I wasted my time studying for the test. I’m sure I could’ve passed it, but all I needed to do was show them my birth certificate and SS card. They took my picture which I hope isn’t too shitty since I’ll have to have it for 12 years. It cost $25 and it’s good till I’m 60. All I have to do every 12 years is get a new picture and an eye exam. When my last name becomes his it’ll only cost $4 for the change. They’ll be mailing me my license within a week.

I also got 3” of hair trimmed by some girl who was probably a butch. It’s quite shorter. Up to the small of my back, but I had to do it as it was so dead. It still looks like it’s been run through a shredding machine all the way up to my shoulders. It’ll come out of shock in 2-3 weeks. She also trimmed my bangs and I got more of that detangler.

The lettuce is really growing out back. Piggy loved it. It’s so tender. The carrots, though, are taking longer.

Well, I don’t think I’m forgetting anything. I’m taping my shows now.

Later...

Sure enough, Law & Order was a repeat.

I just made a huge thing of spaghetti which Tom really loves. Yup, I’ve gotten good at it.

I wonder if Bob got my letter? I sure hope so. But will I get a letter from him this month? I’ll have to see it to believe it.

Well, time to go listen to music now.

Thursday, April 7, 1994

 

Yes!!! I finally got a nice long letter from Bob. I copied it in #57. He even got the one I sent to Walpole. The second one, he should’ve gotten directly after he mailed the one I got today. My third one will go out to him in tomorrow’s mail.

I have a total of 146 letters so far counting from Book of Letters 1-7.

I hope that today my dad got his calendar.

Someone’s been calling and hanging up. If it’s not someone Tom knows, I wonder if it’s Nervous? He’s the only one that I can think of that may do that. Even long-distance.

I also typed Kim a letter and enclosed Bob’s letter.

Friday, April 8, 1994

 

Bob called collect a couple of hours ago. He’s pretty much just trying to hang in there and he does have an appeal going through.

As usual, SS is fucking with his checks. He’s having his sister look into it, but for now, he has no money to buy smokes or stamps. As soon as I get around to buying some, I’ll send some his way. I wrote to Kim and asked if she too, would send some stamps.

He says he’s locked down 22 hours a day. The other 2 are for showering, eating and making phone calls. He says there are no limits to how many letters he can get or send. He thinks there is a daily mail pickup, too.

The other inmates are unaware of what he’s in for and he has to keep it that way so he doesn’t have to be put away from everyone else. This I don’t understand cuz most inmates are there for some kind of sex crime. So many guys are pro-rape, so why would they want to go after him?

His cellmate is in for robbery.

He was also crying about how he hasn’t seen or heard from Kim. He says it’s cuz of his love for her. I know that, but I said, nah, she’s just busy and is afraid of running into that guy she testified against. This is true and we all know Kim’s barely home long to eat, sleep and piss.

Anyway, I typed letters to Bob, Kim, and my parents. Later I’ll do one for Fran.

Andy was over earlier. He brought me some postcards for magazine subscriptions and gave me 1 of 3 60-minute blank cassettes. He did have 2 stamps for 2 people he had me send wacky letters to but lost them. I dubbed 2 tapes for him which is a pain, but he says his new box eats 120s.

I got two more of those hang-up calls. Andy says he’s getting them, too. Mine come at different times in the afternoon. His always seem to come at 1:30 on Saturdays. Nervous could get this number if he wanted to, but I don’t know.

Tom may be a little late tonight and I’m sure he’ll be beat. I would be, too. This is why I told myself to enjoy the sex we had last Tuesday cuz I ain’t getting it for a while. Maybe this weekend, but we’ll see.

He didn’t get the job he was trying to get at AMEX, so now he’ll have to apply for another job.

Tuesday, April 12, 1994

 

Well, well. I guess I haven’t been writing as much lately. That’s cuz I have been pretty busy.

I didn’t go see Naomi cuz you couldn’t meet her after all. She was only there to give a speech. I also woke up wheezing really bad. If it were Gloria or Linda, I would’ve crawled there somehow.

Instead, Tom and I went to K Mart where I got 5 boxes (each containing 8) of markers for only $12. Good deal.

I also got Linda’s new CD and I especially love the song called Heartbeats Accelerating. There’s also a Spanish song on there.

I recorded 3 songs using Tom’s microphone. I think some of it sounds good and some of it sucks.

I sent Bob 10 stamps, so that’ll help him out and keep him busy for a while.

Tom and I also went to Red Lobster last Saturday and I loved it like I knew I would.

Sunday was the day I met Tom a year ago. Today was one of the worse days of my life 11 years ago. I jumped and broke my arm.

Later...

Well, I have my own floppy disk now and I learned how to use it. Remember how I was starting to type up and print out all my journals? Then I tossed the idea out. Well, now that I can type 100 WPM without looking, it’s much faster and easier. Plus, I’m not going to bother printing them out. The floppy disk can hold hundreds of journals. I’m almost through typing #1.

Tom gave me graph paper a while ago and I’m coloring in different designs and patterns to fill up his bare bedroom walls.

Tom and I did a survey thing again. Here are the questions with our answers (% of probability).

Will the business work out? J-100, T-50

Will we be married? J-100, T-100

Divorced? J-0, T-0

Will I be a singer? J-30, T-75

Dancer? J-15, T-25

Model? J-15, T-50

Have a kid? J-10, T-50

Abort it if I get pregnant? J-5, T-20

Quit smoking? J-0, T-95

Will Tom lose weight? J-100, T-75

Will I? J-5, T-80

Wednesday, April 13, 1994

 

Went to see Dave and Evie’s baby. It was a cutie for a newborn. Also, her name’s not Nakita. It’s Nickolena but that’s pretty, too.

Dave and Evie are very nice and their house is beautiful. Funny how some people can have a normal house with normal neighbors and a normal sex life to go with it.

I just finished typing up journal 1 which only took 3 days. It came to 20 pages, 55041 characters. I’m going to go begin typing 2 next. 

Cassandra left me a message last Sunday saying she had been in California when I left a message.

When I told her all that’s happened since being here, she sure was both shocked and very happy for me. She asked if I’d miss women, and said I had guts to do the dancing. Especially all-nude private dancing and modeling.

Now here’s the funny coincidence. She’s seeing someone now who’s an exotic dancer. I knew she was either gay or bi. I sensed it all along from day one.

She’s visited here before and she said she loved it. Also, this fall she’d like to vacation out here and see me. Cool! I would really like that. She’s such a neat person.

It’s going to be 91º tomorrow and the next day. Great. This oughta take the pool temperature up even higher. I believe tonight’s low is 70º.

I started typing journal 2 and I also typed letters to Bob and my parents.

Thursday, April 14, 1994

 

Yesterday was a much better day than the day before. I’m due for my period so I’ll have to deal with that, unfortunately.

Got a letter from Kim today and in tomorrow’s mail, letters will be going out to her and Fran. Also, Tom brought home all different kinds of pretty and different canceled stamps. I’m sending them to Tammy to give to the girls.

I had a nice chat with Lisa today. Mainly about her school, the weather, and music.

The pool temp is up to 74º and I got up to my tits today. It won’t be long before I’m swimming away constantly.

We are not going to be able to go to Disneyland yet. It’s just too damn expensive. We may go to Tucson instead.

Andy and I had a nice phone chat today. He asked me to read him every Apr. 13th entry from ’88-‘93. If there was no entry for the 13th I read the closest date. I read up on a few different and funny things. Like how he got the phone bill in the name of Kevin Horne right before I left Springfield for Deerfield, and the multi-page phone bill “Maria S” got in Deerfield. Then we’d laugh at me bitching all about the cold and the snow.

Later...

I forgot to mention that I’m sending Kim 5 pictures I don’t want of Bob’s apartment The one he had before the last one. I’m sending 3 to Bob. One of me, Kim, Phil, and Alex. The other 2 are of me and Kim. I’m sending 5 to Fran. They’re of scenery and shit like that. They’re extras. I had 2 of the same shots of the place on Nettle’s Island that my parents just moved from.

My license came. My hair looks better this time than on the MA license but my face looks huge.

The bad news is that I need one or two teeth pulled. I have an impacted baby tooth. A dentist told me when I was between 20-22 that it may cause trouble when I got older. I really didn’t think so, but sure enough, last night at 3 AM I noticed a funny feeling. I can feel the tooth growing directly behind the one that’s always been there. I guess two of the adult teeth grew at an angle, blocking a baby tooth from getting out and letting the adult tooth come down. I’ve seen X-rays of it up in the jaw.

I called Access, who told me to call Wilcox’s office. The girl there gave me the number of a Dr. Sadar that I’m to see on the 26th. I hope it doesn’t get worse before then, but I was told to call if it does. Tom got some Ambosol for toothaches and whatever if I need it. I haven’t had to use it, but I took Ibuprofen for my cramps. Haven’t started bleeding yet, though. So far it seems my cycle’s every 29 days. Well, going to go lay down now.

Friday, April 15, 1994

 

Tom’s going to dust the ceiling fan in the living room and he wants me nowhere near it. Ain’t that sweet? Most people forget or do not give a shit that dust makes me sneeze and wheeze.

My insurance will pay for any work on my teeth, but he said if they didn’t, he’d slap it on his credit card. How nice.

I typed letters to my parents, Kim, and Fran. Tomorrow I’ll do a letter to Bob and I hope he - or someone - writes soon. Hope I get mail tomorrow. I can feel it. I mean, I should. Bob oughta have gotten those stamps I sent. I hope none of the guards steal them.

I finished watching some shows I taped, as well as other stuff that was on. On weeknights at 1:30 AM, they have old reruns of Little House on the Prairie. I think I saw just about every single episode there ever was. Just like with Charlie’s Angels, The Bionic Woman, and Twin Peaks. I miss those days when they’d make over 100 episodes of all series. Now it’s only 10-15 and you see the same few shows over and over.

My tooth is wiggling a bit. Even though it’s a very slight wiggle. I hope I can hold out till the 26th.

Sunday, April 17, 1994

 

Andy says he’s sending me one of his wacky letters. I got no letters from Bob all week. Now what the hell’s going on? He very well should have those stamps I sent, unless a guard stole them as I said before.

Yesterday the pool pump broke, but what else is new? Tom replaced it today for $240. Also, he got a video blaster for $250. I’ll explain how that works another time.

I’m going to be getting a double bed and other stuff next Wed.

I’m on a serious diet for the first time since early 1988. It’s no big deal, though, compared to having to lose 35 pounds like I did in 1985. I’m 104 and I want to get to 95, but I know I will. I can lose 2 pounds every 2-3 days. Doing it somewhat fast won’t hurt since we’re only talking about 9 pounds. I lost 2 already. I’m going to constantly be swimming, so that’ll make a difference. Tomorrow we’re going swimming.

Today was 100º! Neat, huh? It should be really hot tomorrow, too. That’s it for now.

Later...

I can’t fucking believe this shit! Yesterday I slept only from 8 AM-noon. I’ve been exhausted all day and all night yet I still can’t sleep. Tomorrow we’re going swimming, but how am I going to be able to when I know I’ll have to sleep the day away? How can I go shopping next Wed.? How can I be at my appointment for my teeth? How can I ever be a mother if that ever is in the cards for me? How? How? How? I’m so pissed and frustrated that that’ll only make it even harder for me to get to sleep. I feel like I’m going to be up till 6:00 and sleep till 3:00 or 4:00.

Monday, April 18, 1994

 

Boy, did I do a lot all day and all night.

First, let me get the one and only bad news out of the way. For a few hours yesterday, I wanted to go next door and kill those animals. I guess they were running through their sprinkler, but nonetheless, they just wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Don’t their parents realize how close these houses are? I hope to hell Lenore wasn’t kidding when she said she was going to Idaho for the summer and I hope she takes those fucking kids with her.

Andy says I’m 100% ready to be a mom, but boy I’ll tell you, 4 kids is like 400 kids. I can’t deal with more than one kid at once. That means babysitting or listening to them. One’s all I can handle.

Very early yesterday morning Tom really calmed me down and had me feeling a whole lot better. I ended up sleeping from 8 AM - 2 PM.

Tom tried heating the pool, but it was still a bit chilly. We went in the jacuzzi, though, and talked about a Vegas wedding in June.

Later...

Wow! I’ve gotten 42 journals since coming to Arizona and I’ve done 21 since I lived here with Tom.

I got 4 Norah pictures off the video blaster. That thing is so neat. Using her video, we paused some shots of her, then printed them out. Cool, huh? And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg as far as what that thing can do.

This week, probably Wednesday, I’ll be getting a double bed. Also, Tom planned on giving me a bookcase with 6 shelves to use in my room cuz he is going to be building more in the back room. I had a little bookcase with 3 shelves by my bed (they’re both of wood). I had my CD player, CDs, and some knickknacks on 3 plastic shelves. Part of the ones my parents sent me when I first got here. I took those plastic shelves and put them in the back room. I put the CDs, CD player, and knickknacks on the little shelf (3). Then I went into the back room, took all his books off it, and walked the shelves in here, and put them on my bed. I put my journals on them, my alarm clock, pads, pens, markers, and little stuff like that. It wasn’t easy, but I got it in here somehow. Now I’ve got space with the way I’m set up in here for a double bed.

Tom will be getting up in 15 minutes. He’s going to be in for a big surprise when he sees all the rearranging I’ve done. Also that I moved those shelves all by myself, but I have moved lots of furniture before on my own so it’s no big deal.

A double bed sounds so good to me. If I decide I want to use one pillow instead of two, I can throw it on the other side of the bed. Now I throw it on the floor and often trip on it. Also, my comforter is a double size, so then it won’t have its edges dangling on the floor.

I talked to Tammy real quick. Bill’s been really sick with pneumonia.

I’m going to go make some coffee now. Then shortly after Tom gets up, I’m going to bed.

I think I’ve covered everything there is to say. I just hope I get a letter from Bob with the stamps I sent him. It sounds like Bob’s got lots of letters for me. When I talked to him, he was waiting on getting stamps and he said then that he had 5-6 letters to go to me.

It’s wishful thinking, but it’d sure be nice to also get a letter from Cassandra.

They’ve been quiet across the street for a while now, thank God. Yeah, that’s why I was compensated by next door.

Oh. Another thing Tom says the video blaster can do is to make a picture of me and Gloria, or whoever, look like we’re standing side by side. Cool. I know a few suckers who’ll buy that. If I tell them we met, I mean.

Later...

Tom’s up now filling out the application for a loan on the house.

When he got up and came towards my room I said, “How do you like how my room looks?” and he said, “Wow! You moved that all by yourself?”

He agrees it does look nice in here, but I really can’t wait for a double bed, the more I think about it. I want a soft comfortable one and thankfully he has full-size sheets. My full-size fitted sheets are long gone. I ditched them when I got my waterbed back in 1989.

Wednesday, April 20, 1994

 

I have some news that’s really going to send shock waves through the pages of this book, especially if it could feel. Well, I had a feeling and I foresaw this day coming by 1996 tops and it has finally arrived. It just didn’t arrive for the reasons I thought it would (by me building up a nest egg from singing). Well, I’m off SS and SSI! Got the news in the mail yesterday. My first initial reaction, which was normal, was to panic cuz this had been my safety net since 1986 and old habits die hard.

I said to Tom, who loves me rich, poor, or average, “I guess cuz we have each other I don’t need a safety net.”

Then he said, “But, you’re not exactly walking a tightrope anymore.”

That’s true. I got a life. I’m just not an emotionally mixed-up little girl anymore who needs mommy and daddy and SS every day of her life.

I’m still covered medically by Medicaid and Tom said that if they stopped it tomorrow, he’d marry me tomorrow. How sweet he is and I trust him so much after knowing him for a year. He also brought up a good point. He said that I could get a part-time job or do whatever I wanted and not have to worry about taxes.

What a life promotion this feels like to me. I really thought for the longest time that unless I got rich, I’d be on it for the rest of my life.

Between today and yesterday, I got 6 letters from Bob! That’s a lot of letters, huh? When I began to copy all of them, there were 99 pages left in the book. Now there are 55 left.

Now here’s my bad news. Bill’s in the hospital, according to Tammy, and it has just been found out that he has leukemia. This is just horrible! That sister of mine has also been through enough shit in her life and she doesn’t need this. If worse comes to worst, how’s she going to manage? She’s never been alone even a day in her life even though she’s 36. How would she be able to keep the kids and support them, let alone her own self? She’s a smart person who can learn very well, but she has no job skills.

Tom’s been such a love and such great support and he spoke to her, too. He said he’ll see that I fly there if I’m needed and wanted. He couldn’t go cuz he’d have to work and even though they hit it off over the phone, he’s still a stranger. I feel so helpless. She was there for me like never before when I needed her the most when I went through the shit I did with the NHA. I want to return the favor in any way I can, be it by being emotionally supportive over the phone or in person, or looking out for the kids. If I do go there, well, it sure won’t be in the way I ever expected. I expected all of them to come here first, so this is a hell of a way to visit, under miserable circumstances, rather than a happy family reunion.

Later...

I just put Piggy back in his cage after playing with him for a bit.

At 9:00 this morning, we may go get that double bed, but that will depend on Tammy first. I’ll call there at 8:00 her time (in 2 hrs) and see if there are any new developments. No one knows yet what type of leukemia it is or what the outcome will be. She’s talked to mom and dad and like Tom said, we’re sure they will do whatever it is that they can.

I spoke with Andy for over an hour after I awoke and that was good for me. We talked about that and I read parts of journal 12. Some of our worst times, like when he lived with me on Woodside Terrace. I wrote some pretty awful stuff about him, but like he said, we now laugh at it all. It’s all in the past and he admits that what I said about him then was the truth.

Andy’s been feeling really doomed lately. Well, Tom believes the world is going to continue for eons, I don’t know, but Andy feels it’s the beginning of the end. He believes in the Bible as well as certain prophecies and believes that the end will be from 1998-2001. Me? I still believe the Bible’s full of hogwash that anyone can write, but everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. What I or someone else assumes, believes, or thinks and feels may or may not be the truth and what will happen for sure.

Later...

In an hour and a half, I will be calling Tammy. I hope for their sake that all is OK. I just sent her a letter since it’s been so hard for her to find time to get into Prodigy.

Yesterday I sent letters to Bob, Tammy, and my parents, and 2 to Kim. Also sent for another 100 stamped envelopes. Today’s letters will go out to Bob, Kim, Fran, and my parents.

Later...

From the looks of it, I have a feeling I’m going to Connecticut. I called the house and Bill’s mother answered. I had a hell of a time understanding her with her accent. She’s from Israel. I spoke with Lisa too, and said I’d come in if need be. She then goes, “Awesome!” I reminded her not to jump the gun, though, as it was too soon to know what was going on.

I called the hospital and he’s in the William B. Backus Hospital. The same one I was before I went to Natchaug. His mother gave me the wrong room number (deliberately?) but I was finally connected to the right one. Tammy answered and said she’d call me back cuz the doctor was there.

I called Ma and told her I’m prepared to go if I have to. I really have a feeling I’ll be going.

Later...

The suspense and the waiting’s killing me. I wish she’d hurry up and call back. If I do go, though, it’s not going to be very pleasant for me, aside from what’s going on with Bill. Walking into that hospital and just being there in the Norwich/Salem area isn’t going to bring back a flood of pleasant memories. How long would I be there if I were to go, beats me.

Earlier I killed 3 spiders in here and now I have a touch of the willies. It’s time to bomb in here and get Operation Spider Storm well underway.

Gosh! I really don’t want to go to CT. Not like this. Not under these circumstances. God, please let Bill be OK if you can hear me.

Later...

Tammy finally called and she doesn’t really need me there. There’s nothing I can really do and I’m not an early morning person, as she herself pointed out.

Tom and I called CompuServe a little while ago and looked up leukemia. There are several different kinds, but they all sound pretty nasty.

Soon Tom and I are going to pick up my prescription and possibly get me a double bed. More than likely we will, seeing that I’m not going to CT.

I polished my nails Wineberry.

Thursday, April 21, 1994

 

I had quite a busy day yesterday and today. First of all, this is the best pen I’ve ever had. It’s a rolling ball marker, not a felt tip. It glides so easily, giving me fine lines with no inkblots.

Shortly after I last wrote yesterday, we went and I picked out my waterbed. It’s got black padding all around it. There are no shelves or drawers, but that’s OK cuz in time I intend to add on the matching bureau. At the head of the bed, where the shelves usually are, there’s black padding that slants upward so I can sit up and read or write. It’s a king-size and costs $305.

The matching bureau has black padded drawers and the top surface of it is all mirrored. Then there’s a mirror extending upward with black padding around its sides. It’s really a sharp set and it’s totally me.

His brother David came over with his truck, got Tom and then went and picked it up. Tom’s got some of it assembled, but he had to stop to do some plumbing at his sister Mary’s house. I’m going to sleep in his bed cuz it won’t be done until tomorrow.

I’ll write more about it later, but before I sign off - I went swimming today and yesterday and it was great!

Friday, April 22, 1994

 

I fell asleep yesterday at 4 PM and got up at 9 PM, therefore I’m still tired.

Fran left a message and he’s losing his phone again from the sound of it. Yeah, I believe that. He does that here and there.

The waterbed is almost all set up. All we have to do is fill it and set the headboard on. Tom went to bed about an hour ago and we’re going to fill it when it gets light out. This way we don’t get bugs.

We got the bombs yesterday when we went food shopping, so soon it’s bye-bye spiders.

God, my stomach is major gassed out. That’s what happens when I don’t get enough sleep.

I’m going to listen to music now, then I’ll write more.

Later...

Well, it doesn’t look as if I’ll be falling back asleep anytime soon, so I oughta write a little.

Bad news for the pool - it was 100º yesterday, today’s to be 98º, Saturday 83º, and on Sunday only 78º. This is going to cause a setback. Monday they say we’re in for T-storms.

Today we need to go out to get a mattress pad. Tom thought he had one from when he had his waterbed, but he thought wrong.

Yesterday I got another supply of 100 stamped envelopes and I pre-addressed some. For now, I think I shall go type some letters.

Saturday, April 23, 1994

 

Shortly after I last wrote, I fell asleep and got up at 7 AM yesterday.

We completed the waterbed a couple of hours later. It’s sooo nice and sooo comfy.

Yesterday was a very lucky day for me. We went to one bookstore where I wasn’t too impressed. Then, the second one was like oh my God!!! I got 8 journals for $25. Normally 8 of them cost $60. What luck, huh? They were all $2.98 and #66 and #67 are dreams come true with a real piano. (not a drawing) Most covers are drawings and designs. If I remember right, the 3 cat books and 2 dog books are my first with pictures of real live animals. I was going to get a real live horse cover, but I forgot. Other things on the covers of #66 - #73 are sheet music, guitars, drums, ballet slippers, and flowers.

Then, after I came home, the mailman came and there were 6 letters! And 2 of them were from Kim. The others were from none other than Bob. That’s 12 letters from Monday-Friday! The most I ever got in under a week. Same with the journals. The most I ever got at once is 3. No. Once I got 5.

Copying these 12 letters has taken up 70 pages. If I’d copied Bob’s letter to Kim and all Bob’s poems, it’d been 100-110. There are 30 pages left in Book of Letters #7, then Book of Letters #8 will be Journal #72.

Later...

Just sitting here waiting to see if the mailman delivers another slew of Bob letters.

I forgot to mention that yesterday we got a mattress pad. It’s much softer and more comfortable than what I had on the one I had back east. We also got a nice set of sheets.

Wait till I tell Andy about the bed, journals, and letters. The only one I haven’t told is Tammy cuz now’s certainly not the time.

I typed some letters, but I need to type more. I’ve got time since there’s no mail till Monday. I haven’t typed #2 (the current one I’m typing) onto my floppy disk, so I may go do that.

Later...

No mail today, but I typed more letters and some of #2.

Tom went to the racetrack today but didn’t win. He’s now reading more on how to print out pictures from videos. I can’t wait till I learn how to do this cuz when I do, I’ll be having a field day with different videos.

This will sound crazy, but it works. I got the idea from a health book. Guess what I had smothered all over my hair? Mayonnaise. Yup, it’s a cheap and great way to condition the hair. Also the nails, nail cuticles and skin.

Sunday, April 24, 1994

 

I wish I could know where each entry date was to be on each page of all the journals I have. If I could know this I’d stick in all the address labels. Like I said before, when I order Tammy and Bill’s address labels, I’ll then order my own with his last name. I’ll use those labels for the covers of each journal (when I’m officially married) and for all my mail and letters, except Fran’s. After we’re married there’ll be tons of labels left with my maiden name so I’ll use those for entry date separators.

Tom just came into the room and I believe it’s now playtime!

Later...

We played around for a while and now he’s sorting through boxes in the back room. Sex is better on a waterbed. It makes it easier to get into certain positions.

This is the last day of his vacation, but it’s been a good one. He’s been so happy and there’s been much more lovemaking.

A little while ago I stuck some address labels on different envelopes. I have 13 each for Kim, Bob and my parents. I used up all the cloud/rainbows and air balloons for my parents and I have 17 music labels left. Fran will get all the gold-trimmed ones, like the one in the front cover of my current journal. So it looks like I’ll use day separators in this order: music, silver prisms, Rose pond/seashells/river, and rainbow last.

Monday, April 25, 1994

 

Yesterday and today have been very busy days. Yesterday was the biggest breakthrough ever in organizing the back room. It looks better than ever in there. We put the twin bed at the end of the room, and it looks good.

I also talked to Fran and Tammy. Tammy still doesn’t know too much.

I typed some letters and taught me another great thing on the computer that I wish I’d known all along. There’s this dictionary that highlights and corrects misspelled words.

Today I really had my work cut out for me. I began at 7:30 AM right after Tom left and didn’t finish till nearly noon. I washed rugs, sheets, towels, etc. Did the dishes, dusted, vacuumed, washed the table, counters and stove, cleaned the bathroom and changed the pig’s cage. Now I really need to repolish my nails and shave, but I’m too lazy now.

Got 3 letters from Bob today with beautiful drawings on both his envelopes and letters. Beautiful flowers and one with 2 turtles that were awesome. Great idea for me to try. I’ve learned a lot from him.

Book of Letters #7 is finished. On the last few pages, I glued in poems. Like 5 of them as well as 3 parts of his envelopes. I printed a copy of his poems for him, too, cuz I know he likes to see them typed up. BOL #8 will be in #72. It’ll go quite fast if his letters keep pouring in as they have.

He says they’re soon to be transferring him to Gardner, MA. Great. I just pre-addressed about 12 envelopes to him. Guess he can get out in the year 2000. Only 6 years away, but to him, it must feel like 6000.

Tuesday, April 26, 1994

 

I am in the car now on my way to the dentist. I’m not looking forward to this, but hopefully, I won’t be in for too big of an ordeal.

I can blame Tom for my sloppy writing and I just did. I jokingly said we must be hitting air pockets (like in a plane). We still have a long drive ahead. Bell Road is way the hell out there. We’re driving by one of my favorite mountains now.

Later...

I am home now and Tom ran out to pick up my meds. He oughta be back any minute.

When he returns, we’re going to fool around, then later I’ll write about the dentist, Fran and whatever.

Wednesday, April 27, 1994

 

The dentist told me yesterday not to do anything about my teeth unless it hurts. That wasn’t too big of a deal, thank God. He said it could bother me soon or years from now. Hopefully, it will stay right where it is, but I have a feeling that’s wishful thinking.

Up ahead a few pages Tom wrote a quick note. I love how he used the word “well” twice when he meant to use the word “will.” He says that’s a common mistake of his. He says the word “will” like “well.” He says all his short i’s as short e’s. That’s probably where that mistake comes from.

Damn, it’s chilly out! This is weird for this time of year. It’ll be in the low 70s until Sunday.

Just put letters out to Bob, Kim, Fran and my parents who will never call or write.

Tammy says they still have no diagnosis on Bill.

Well, that’s pretty much up to date. Been typing journal #2 up a lot and I hope to finish it today. Got 1 Bob letter yesterday which began BOL #8. That’s in #72 as I said before. Going to go type #2 now.

Oh! One more thing. I do believe Andy will be receiving “Sabrina’s” letter. You know, from Fran. He says he’s sending me one too, but I’ll have to see that to believe that.

How many Bob letters will I get today?

Thursday, April 28, 1994

 

I was so pissed yesterday. I hate it when politics fuck up my life. There was no mail yesterday cuz Nixon died and was buried yesterday. Who cares about this impeached president who never did anything for us? Plus, this criminal had a funeral fit for a king. I just hope there’s mail today.

Andy’s friend Sarah may play Sabrina. He’s going to talk to her about it and if she agrees to it, I’ll give Fran her number.

For the first time in a while, I’m bummed, worried, and anxious. My weight’s going up and I just can’t stop eating. I’m hungry all the time. I tried to restrain myself and talk myself out of it, but before writing I ate a whole lasagna TV dinner and a big marshmallow/rice bar. I just can’t stop eating. I weigh 104 pounds and I doubt this scale’s even right. I’d say I’m more like 107-110. Being barely 5’ it doesn’t take much to see and feel it. I feel like a blimp. My waist is a sickening 27. I want it back to a 24. I want to lose 3” all around and weigh 95. Oh God, please give me the strength to not eat for at least two days. Please?

On the lighter side and better side of things, I got a letter from Kim today and a very nice one from my mom, too. Finally!

No concerts across the street and it looks as if they may go away this weekend next door.

I’m almost done typing up Journal #2.

Andy called me with Sarah on the line. Then, I called Fran and she played Sabrina.

I talked to Tammy who still doesn’t know much about Bill. She says to call her tomorrow night. Then, she hopes to know the whole story.

Friday, April 29, 1994

 

I just called Tammy. Things are definitely at their shittiest. Next week they’re removing and biopsying Bill’s spleen.

Tom came home early with a cold. Ten minutes before he did, I had a feeling about that. He’s laying down now. I hope I don’t catch it, although I never caught his last cold. I’ve been very lucky for over a year now.

I finished typing journal #2 and began #3.

Tom brought home more stamps from work (canceled). I’ve split them up between Kim and my parents.

Got 3 letters today from Bob. He asked if I remembered the date we met, and that he could. It took a while, but I found out we met on 8/25/91 in journal #5.

I also thought of a clever idea for numbering my journals last night. My perma-marker. You know that if I wrote with this pen, especially on those that aren’t cloth, it’d smear off. This pen’s permanent and won’t smudge off. For some journals, I kept their sticker numbers on cuz the color of their binders was too dark and the pen wouldn’t show up.

Tomorrow night there’s to be a movie with those ice skaters Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. It oughta be pretty entertaining. They did a damn good job with getting Tonya and Nancy look-a-likes. It seems so many skaters, dancers and gymnasts look the same. Except for topless dancers in the clubs I danced in. They all come in a wide variety of looks and sizes.

Tom showed me something neat the computer can do with journals 1 and 2. It shows how many characters, pages, words and minutes I spent typing each one. I think #2 was 103 thousand and something characters. 19,500 words and I believe the minutes were, oh I forgot, but they were in the 5 digits. It may be around 50 hours or so that I worked on it. Eventually, I’ll add a summary information (that’s what it’s called) list of them, here in this book. Or somewhere.

Now I want to go finish my coffee and have a smoke.

Later...

Maybe praying to God as Andy does will work here and there. What tremendous willpower I’ve had with eating today. Only a few bites of spaghetti, a little bit of lettuce with ranch dressing and 2 pieces of bread. Gone down 2 pounds, but I must be consistent for a while to get my body to do its thing on its own as it has been since early 1988. I know it’s mostly water, but I can once again speed up my metabolism so I can gorge on whatever I want. As I said before, the use of the pool on a daily basis will help.

These last 2 months I haven’t had to wear a liner for extra discharges mid-cycle. Lucky me but, my tits have been way sorer throughout these last 2 months. I don’t know why. My caffeine intake hasn’t changed. Maybe it’s cuz my last 2 periods were sort of light and half-assed. It’d help if my next one was heavier, but that’d call for extra cramps.

Later...

Gosh, it feels later. It feels like it’s nearly midnight. Well, I got up at 7:30 so I’m starting to tire.

Next Monday I’ll send out letters as well as Mom’s Mother’s Day card and Tammy, Bill’s and my address labels.

I was doing great with eating very little, but I slipped. Let’s see… I had popcorn, a carrot, spaghetti and 2 pieces of cheese. God forbid I may be forgetting anything else. I’m soooo fucking bloated. I don’t dare step on that scale right now.

I will go shut the computer off now and at least lay down for a while. If I fall asleep, OK. If not, that’s OK too.

Saturday, April 30, 1994

 

Got up at 7:30 and now I’m going to go change all the calendars.

Tom’s still sick, but he’s in the shower now. After he’ll be going to his sister Mary’s to fix a light on her car.

Tom’s youngest brother Steven is getting married in Fresno, so Mary and his parents and going to drive out.

Later...

What a bummer that the pool’s too cold. I could really go for a swim now, and they’re definitely gone next door. It’s been a very peaceful quiet day.

I just harvested a bunch of lettuce, which I gotta go put in a baggy now.

I talked to Tammy. They’re operating on Bill tomorrow morning. I sent Tammy a letter and Bill a get-well note with a few flower drawings.

Tom’s till fixing Mary’s car.

Oh! Also, I called Nervous with the hopes that if Crystal were still there I’d get her on the phone and tape her. I was lucky cuz she is still there and man did she go off on me! It was so funny and she reminds me of Tracy K. If she’s the clingy, desperate type she sounds to be, she could hold Nervous hostage and beat the shit out of him. She sounds so mean. He sounded absolutely depressed and terrified. I think she’s got to be an alkie or a druggie or both, besides nuts. I hate to say this, but they deserve each other. I can picture her threatening and scaring him into submission and beating the hell out of him. I think the only reason they’re still together is cuz she’s got him in the palm of his hand and he’s terrified of her. Anyway, I’ll have a few great edits. I left the 30 seconds or so of her screaming at me on Andy’s machine. He’ll love it.

Later...

I just squished the lettuce into a big baggy. There sure is a lot out there. The carrots are doing well, but it’ll be another 3 weeks or so before they’re ready to be pulled up.

Now, thanks to Crystal, I am finally motivated to do some editing after quite a while.

Later...

Tom’s home now. I haven’t edited Crystal yet, but I’m all set to go. First I had to put her on my current convo tape and ditch a very old dead tape. One that I can’t record onto cuz what’s previously on it doesn’t get erased. Well, guess I will go edit her now.

Later...

I just edited Crystal. Yup, pretty funny.

Tom’s on the phone now talking to his brother. He says he feels better, but I have a feeling sex is out for this weekend. I also have a feeling that the sex will be a continuous cycle where I cry out for needing more, he gives in for a while, then backs off. We’ll see. I’m not going to keep “reminding” him, though.

Later...

I just began taping the Tonya and Nancy story.

Tom’s eating now and will probably be going to bed.

I’m 12 days away from my period, so I’m getting hornier and more bloated. I wish every day was like right after my period. It seems I only have about 3-5 days where I’m not so watery and gassed out. Tomorrow we’re going to the grocery store and I’m getting water pills. And if you can’t take it with asthma or Theodur - tough!

I’m in luck after all as far as sex goes. Tom says he’ll definitely be non-contagious tomorrow and that I won’t be horny this month cuz he’s going to wear me out. Cool!

Guess I will go watch the movie while it’s on. I just like to zip through the commercials, but I don’t feel like doing anything else right now.

A Note from Tom - 4/26/1994

Jodi,

So, you want me to write in this journal. You know, this well be over very soon and we’ll be heading home. Until then I well try to think of more things to write. This is a strange place for a dentist. I guess they expect you to go shopping then rent a few movies and have your teeth cleaned.

[davisexplainableart]

December 29, 2017 (recap of 2017):

Tara: Hey, Tommy.

Tommy: Yes, Tara?

Tara: You know what my favorite part of the holidays is?

Tommy: No, what is it?

Tara: Watching all the tv Christmas specials.

Tommy: Even the bad ones?

Tara: Well, kind of. Some of the bad ones are great to laugh at.

Tommy: Yeah, especially that one special about the horse with the glowing snoot.

Tara: You mean Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?

Tommy: Yeah, that horse.

Tara: I just said he was a reindeer-

(suddenly, a young teenager rushes through the door angrily, startling Tommy and Tara)

Trendy Troy: WHY WEREN'T YOU AT ELF PRACTICE?!

Tara: WOAH! W-What? What are you talking about?

Trendy Troy: Why, I'm referring to the Rudolph special of course! You know, that one scene with the elf chief storming in and demanding an explanation as to why that one dentist elf didn't show up?

Tara: Oh right... Who are you, exactly?

Trendy Troy: Name's Troy, it's short for Trendy Troy!

Tommy: O-Okay?

Trendy Troy: But you can just call me Troy. I like to consider myself the "master of trends", y'know? The one who knows everything when it comes to internet memes!

Tommy: So, you're basically mister "how do you do, fellow kids"?

Trendy Troy: Nonsense! I study memes like it's my college major.

Tommy: First of all, it's study, not 'shtudy' (referring to Troy's lisp). Secondly-

Tara: Tommy! You should know better than to make fun of kids because of how they talk!.... By the way, why the hell are you even here?

Troy: Oh, right, the higher-ups asked me to join the show as a cast member, probably because of my mad skills!

Tommy: Of knowing memes?

Troy: You bet!

Tommy: So, what now? Are you gonna start spinning fidget spinners everywhere?

Tara (quietly): Tommy!

Trendy Troy: No, of course not! Besides, that meme's kind of outdated by this point. I'm just gonna settle down. This is a nice place, after all!

(TRANSITION)

Kid: Time now for tonight's brand new Wii Sports Resort, right here on Fridays.

================================================

Here's the very last Fridays show of 2017 and, coincidentally, the very first appearance of Trendy Troy.

Honestly, after going through those late 2018 segments and having seen Troy becoming more and more unhinged, seeing him so calm here is rather strange.

But onto the show itself...

Segment-wise, it was rather packed, with us recapping and discussing every Fridays show from that year.

This night was also far too important to screw up, since the main Cartoon Network channel was enduring yet another Teen Titans Go! marathon (I think you know which one I'm referring to here). As such, all eyes were on us (except for the ones whose eyes were on that week's new Steven Universe).

Schedule-wise, there wasn't too much going on, aside from the usual.

We replayed BFB 4 at 8:00pm, a week after its premiere, followed by a bonus Cartoon Cartoon episode at 8:15pm (the original Powerpuff Girls), both of which preempted that week's new Crazy Battling.

For the rest of the lineup, each show (aside from EEnE) still had new episodes, but just like 2018, most of the xx:15 and xx:45 segments consisted of the best episodes of each show on the block from 2017 (as chosen by the viewers).

In the case of Ed, Edd n Eddy at 9pm and 11pm, both segments included were the most popular episodes from that year.

Alright, one more Fridays segment for 2024. See you tomorrow!

(oh, and feel free to let me know if I made any grammatical errors here, I'm too tired to check for myself)

[annamillersthings]

And just like that it's over 🗿 completed watching scoy the series final ep 🗿. Wow i feel empty on the inside . First of all i demand a special ep dedicated to touch and Daisy and som and tor like they did for saifah and zon after why r u ? ended pls pls i just can't say goodbye. I feel well fed and satisfied but absolutely wrecked that's it's over .

[jadeylovesmarvelxo]

Sparks Fly

Summary; Eddie makes a mean remark during your usual banter and you decide to distance yourself from him. You would rather turn your attention to someone who wants you around.

Like Jackson... Eddie isn't so happy about that though.

Warnings; Slightly mean! Eddie, angst, fluffy fluff.

Likes or reblogs are much appreciated ❤️

I don't give anyone permission to copy my work 😘

❤️

It started like any normal day except for the fact that Eddie was grumpier than usual.

So when he was a little more biting than usual you took it in your stride.

Until Dustin pitched in with a comment.

He looks at the both of you amused before saying what wss on his mind.

"Geez just date already" Eddie glares at him slamming his locker shut.

"Please, as if I would date her. She'd drive me mad within a week with her shit" he looks at you with irritation.

"Are you hanging around for a reason or are you gonna cry?"

That look on his face made his feelings clear. It stung, you felt crushed and looked away not wanting to cry in front of the asshole.

You hold your head up high, walk away from him and try very hard not to concentrate on the way your stomach sank and your heart was racing.

Screw Eddie. You should have never thought he liked you like that, his teasing was because he hated you and that was that.

Fine. Now you would bury your feelings for him and move on.

The next day you ignored Eddie, you didn't approach him, skipped on their usual past time of bickering and concentrated on your friends and studies.

And on Jackson Murray.

On Friday Hawkins Tigers were playing and she and the rest of the cheerleaders performed before the big game.

Jackson being a huge flirt sat paying you rapt attention and winked when you looked his way.

Hellfire Club was in attendance supporting Lucas, it surprised you that Eddie was here but you took it in your stride. Of course he would support one of his sheeples, as he liked to call the youngest Hellfire members.

No, don't think about him you chastised yourself and instead blew a kiss over to Jackson who was getting ready for the game and promptly ignored Eddie whose eyes narrowed, his face like thunder.

✨

It's not like you expected Eddie to corner you after the game. His eyes flashed, body tight with tension.

"What the hell do you want Munson?" you were so not in the mood for his drama.

"Surprised Jsckson isn't sniffing around you like the pathetic douchebag that he is" you roll your eyes at the venom in his voice and spot Jackson heading to the showers.

You wave at him and Eddie crosses his arms looking like a pouty puppy.

"Since when do you like preppy assholes like Jackson" you huff and apply some of your favourite lipstick using your compact.

"Since when do you care what my type is Munson?" he ignores that question and glares sullenly over your shoulder.

"You've been ignoring me for days" he points out and you roll your eyes.

"Now you can get the peace you crave and get rid of my annoying ass," you tell him and he swallows.

"Princess... Jackson shows up at that point and the tension kicks up a notch.

"Is that freak bothering you?" Jackson asks while eyeing Eddie who ignores him.

"It's fine" you can handle Eddie you dont need Jackson going all alpha male.

"You heard her. Get lost dude" Jackson steps forward but seems to think better of it, nods and turns to you.

"Uh, you do know Jason thinks Hellfire is a cult right? Sacrifices virgins and that shit?" Eddie rolls his eyes and so does she.

"Jason is a dipshit, it's just a game" Jackson nods and then leaves but not before giving Eddie a pointed stare.

"Shit. I'm shaking in my boots here" he mocks and you round on him.

"What do you want Munson besides being a dick?" he follows you as you walk away and knows he won't shut up until he's said what he's said.

"Jackson is a boring ass douche. That's who you want to spend time with princess?" you shake your head growing annoyed.

"I repeat what do you want Munson? I don't care what you think. You made your feelings about me perfectly clear so get lost yeah?" he frowns.

"I didn't mean it alright, was having a shit day and I snapped" you scoff.

"Like that makes it okay? You were mean. If you don't want me hanging around then I won't" he groans

"I'm sorry okay, I didn't mean it and I'm fucking sorry" this makes you pause because he rarely apologized to you, he looks frustrated but underneath all that is guilt and anxiety.

"For the record, you deserve better than that prick Jackson, you drive me crazy you know. Swanning around and needling at me one minute, which makes me mad, then the next minute I want to... he trails off.

"You want to do what?" you ask and he gazes at you his gaze makes your stomach flutter with those damn butterflies.

He licks his lips and there's a moment of indecision before he backs you up against the wall and kisses you.

You kiss him back fiercely, his hand tangles in your hair, and the other on your waist. It's amazing and you could kiss him forever.

How could someone who annoyed you so much make you feel like this? So much passion.

He moans and you deepen the kiss further until he pulls away still gazing at you.

"I've been wanting to do that" he murmurs and you feel that electric pull drawing you closer to him. Those sparks.

He strokes your cheek. You can hear the rest of the cheer squad call to you and Eddie's lips brush over hers once more.

You stay like that, just you and him, sparks flying and something new blossoming between you two.

❤️