#who tf would even want to be autistic ''for attention''

[bpdonnie]

"why does everyone wants to be autistic nowadays?" im going to kill you with a fucking hammer

[shego1142]

Okay so… can someone explain doctors to me like I’m a very small very scared and very hurt child?

So like… I was 11 or 12 when my family lost what I would call our “good insurance” and we had to switch to the “doctors suddenly don’t care about you” insurance due to my dad becoming disabled and us no longer having a two person income household.

We switched from me seeing a group of caring children’s doctors to me seeing an adult’s general practitioner that only saw me about once a year or less, and largely dismissed every issue I had.

I began getting migraines at 10 that increased in frequency and severity and I was told it was “because I’d start my period soon”

I had an eye test done that came back with concerning spots of missing vision in my peripheral when I was about 13 or so and I was entirely dismissed, but the doctor did ask me if I wanted to be institutionalised when I tried to quietly and privately ask about depression symptoms.

To which I began crying btw, you know, because I was a 13 year old undiagnosed autistic child.

I saw this group of doctors for things like school vaccinations, about once a year or less, ans largely I didn’t see them for anything else and I got used to hiding my symptoms and illnesses.

When I was 16 my stomach began hurting so bad in a radial pain, I went to them 3 times in the span of two weeks, telling them that I swore my stomach was hurting horribly, like real pain not just acid reflux. They prescribed omeprazole, an acid reflux medicine, and nothing else. They refused to order any tests.

I got to where I was in so much pain, crying and pulling my hair out, I felt like i couldn’t breathe and I woke my mom up and begged her to take me to the hospital because I thought I was dying at 16. And I probably would’ve, because my gallbladder would have ruptured. I ended up having to have emergency surgery, also I threw up on the hospital nurse and was so apologetic for being sick that she almost cried.

When I was 20 something I wanted to talk to those same doctors about my migraines, they’d gotten even worse than before and that is saying a lot. The same doctor who didn’t bother to check if I was having a medical emergency when my gallbladder was shutting down straight up just told me I was lying for medicine, without even looking at any of my tests prior, and yelled at me and tried to take my cane, which had become something I found really helped with all the pain I felt, away from me.

I didn’t even ask about a pain medication, I was asking about migraine preventatives.

I left that doctor’s office that I had gone to since I was 12 and never went back.

Anyway, nowadays, the closest doctor’s clinic keeps telling me that I can’t have a physical check up if there’s something specific I want the doctor to see me about?

And I have multiple chronic conditions, so there’s literally always something specific that needs to be addressed, but then it’s like they only want to focus on one thing, when it’s multiple issues that need attention?

Like… how tf do you find a doctor that can really help? How do you even start?

Also, the doctor’s office closest to me refuses to let anyone go with me, which is terrifying given that I’ve been yelled at by doctors for asking questions??

They basically always try to convince me that it’ll be just fine but then, due to my slow processing process speed because you know, autism, a day or two after the fact ill realise that them saying:

“Idk, you might have pcos, call us in four months!”

Is probably not the best way to talk to a patient…

I just… I don’t know what to do or how to get a good doctor, and I thought your general practitioner was the one who was supposed to have a general idea regarding everything that’s going on with your health, like you know, be informed of it, and then they would be able to recommend other doctors who can help you with the specific issues.

It seems to me that general practitioner means that you shouldn’t bring up anything worse than a cough or a sore throat or they get mad at you.

Idk… I just woke up today with a lot of pain and I think what is neuropathy (my arms keep going numb I’m assuming that’s what is causing it) and I just… wish I could find a doctor who actually understands what is happening and gives a damn…

I live in North Georgia, and I’m more than willing to travel… if anyone out there knows of a doctor or something… let me know

[globodamorte]

had a bad dream we kinda has to evacuate (?) my middle school and I don't know why I was there n the first place but like. it was a very autism related dream. not knowing when to talk. people assuming bad intentions from me. everyone eventually getting fed up and yelling at me when all is wanted to do was say that I've reflected and realized I was wrong on the way to the place we were at now (apparently I said something that wasn't even WRONG WRONG, just a harmless bad opinion (like it was about some equipment at the school ??) that I changed in like 15 minutes of thinking about it and I wanted to let them know and ppl got mad at me)

addition now that I'm more awake. like I don't particularly like calling a big crowd to listen to me in fact I would most likely avoid doing that but in the dream it felt important that I should correct myself and let them.know hey you know what you were right what I said earlier was silly. and then the people (all sorts of people from all sorts of places in my life) started calling me an attention seeker, or shit like that, why would I call everyone just to say that, etc. and like I was trying to explain oh I just wanted to let everyone know this real quick like by yelling at me about it you're wasting more of our time than if y'all just said ok and moved on n. and they yelled at me whenever I would open my mouth to say something. anyway. it was not nice

yeah like my art teachers son was like why tf are you wasting out time just to say that. and I was like we didn't even start the meeting (we were all holed up together at my house and we're about to start discussing what to do) I just wanted to say this real quick and ppl were like nobody cares and I was seriously not comprehending why they were being so aggressive and when I stood up to get back to the place I was earlier and said something I don't even remember why like 5+ people were like "OH MY GOD SHUT UP" and I was so confused.

like in a sense I started doubting myself like "what if I'm not autistic and I'm just an entitled piece of shit who can't possibly comprehend certain things in human socialization bc I'm just ridiculously desperate for attention and get man when things aren't about me" like. I don't think I'm like that. but it scares me that maybe I don't realize I'm like that

[bandofchimeras]

posting a lot rn sorry Im gonna readmore this vent that is a standin for next therapy session

i have a lot of trauma from losing my last few housing situations over interpersonal conflict and not having enough money or being good at managing my money. I was too ashamed to ask for what I needed until it was desperate and I had no options.

I have big decisions to make that are producing so much anxiety. and am burnt out. but also grateful and astounded at the miracle that is life.

so can't handle small talk right now. my whole chest is splitting open with the need to be somewhere I feel loved and safe bc I know who tf I am now....but knowing I have to make these next moves out of my own initiative

somewhere deep in my brain I know this isn't all my fault but I had to stop victim thinking to get myself out of the Hole and consequently just Shut Up about the Pain

the last people I lived with really wanted me to shut up and conform perfectly to the anxiously controlled life they'd constructed bc I was there temporarily

and for my part I was in depression self centered funk and coming out of abuse too brainfoggerd to remember the rules

One of them is a former mutual and he was also a transmasc person I had a crush on and we had a short little Thing

what they ended up doing was 1000% shitty asshole stuff like kicking me out in the middle of winter after I communicated I was in too much pain from moving in and work, and requested a two week extension, and trying to charge me illegal "storage fees" when I needed time to get my stuff after being kicked out.

my discord friends had to help me parse that these people were not my friends and did not care about me at all. I thought they did. but the guilt they laid on thick and blamed me for their actions has been dragging around my ankles for awhile and I just want to shake it off, I want to be okay and not soaked in guilt like milk toast

the situation also led to my car being stolen, getting in a crash, my cats health severely declining until she passed away this spring. just fucking wrecking ball on everything I was attached to for any sort of comfort or sense of reality.

Right before that my long term job that was....dubiously ethical, my sort of boss fired me in a similarly guilting way, and similarly could see exactly why they had a problem with me but I just, at the time I simply could not show up how I needed to. Not killing myself was an accomplishment. And this boss was deeply prejudiced against autistic people despite running a group home. I genuinely hated her guts for how miserable she made everyone around her while also recognizing I wasn't doing much better.

anyways through this time period kitchen work has become this attachment that toughens me up and feels doable while my brain is inflamed, despite being shit for my disabled body. I can't shake free quite. I don't have a permanent house and all my friendships feel weird and troubled in that way only mutual survivors of emotionally neglectful or abusive families and religious trauma can, like every thing I do or say can be wrong, or isn't giving someone enough attention or isnt the response they want or is bad bad bad bad

and so yeah, making new friends is hard

letting people in feels impossible

looking for decent jobs too

I'm not a mess in the way I have been but it's all messy inside and I'm sad and tired and very hypersensitive to rejection, every day breaks and makes me again and I miss writing and loving and feeling good

I thought pride would be so fun and make me feel better. It was cool in a lot of ways, but also grimly corporate and fangless and expensive, there were a ton of missed connections and the couple I went with was being nitpicky and hurtful to each other and even at the club dressed to the nines and dancing my little gay heart out I felt disconnected and ignorable (maybe it's just a Seattle thing, moving from a small-town environment into big urban reminds you you're nothin special all in all) and couldn't see the magic

I miss my ex or at least keep seeing stuff that reminds me of caring about her in that specific way and the bridge we tried to build across everything despite it all and I know we still care about each other just couldn't stop the fucking awful Bullshit, moving on would be easier if I could just dismiss people entirely

and at work things started falling apart too, my boss got super guilt happy at overworked caregivers and I lost all respect for him and was mega triggered and posted about it and embarrassed myself. theyre more okay I guess but everyone seems so demoralized and worn down by being criticized and used up and overcharged and under loved and I don't want to give any more right now, I want to rest rest rest and make art and I can't let myself while I'm living in someone's living room and both of us are working around eachothers mood disorders

meanwhile my family while making progress is still on about how I have to accept criticism of my gender identity if I want to talk to them about the harm done by their religious ideology and MEANWHILE I develop deep feelings for yet another unavailable cis man for bare minimum shit

i don't know I guess it feels like other people know how to have friends and love and enjoy things and I am missing the boat and if I don't change something indistinguishable super fast, it will be too late for me and I will continue to ruin every good thing that comes my way and.magnetically attract trouble

and it doesn't help that my attempts to connect online also feel desperate and awkward like I'm really a sick puppy who wants headpats but aren't we all they say

some days I do think overall it would be easier to Kermit but I can't do that to my siblings AND there are many buoyantly beautiful things bout life I am looking forward to like top surgery and kissing boys like I mean it which someday will feel real and not like a knife twist in the chest

also I haven't got enough sleep lately and my period came back so hopefully this stupid shit is more bearable in a few days I'm just gonna watch OFMD and hug myself to sleep and literally kill anyone who is a hater about the tiny things that bring me joy bc I am fucking doing my best out here to stay afloat and not yuck other people's yums either

[oatchi]

well. go on then sentinel boy talk about him

OH YEAH SINCE I FINALLY FIXED MY TUMBLR I CAN ACTUALLY ANSWER THIS..!!!! at 8 pm est. sure

favorite thing about them (spinning in an autistic way) im sorry literally what can i say that i havent said before. hes literally my best friend. genuinely my favourite tfa character. hes everything to me he is so complicated stop simplifying him down to his exterior personality. hes literally my everything. if you wanted me to explain in any meaningful way, i think if you look into things past his exterior, hes one of my favourite representations of ways people respond to trauma that isnt pretty, and he has some crazy symbolism. and i think him and optimus have the most relationship ever like its. auhhh. its soooo complicated for a kids show hes everything to me

least favorite thing about them i wont pretend he doesnt have faults but. you. (grips everyone who misinterprets him, including actual tf writers) fuck you. you are his biggest problem. the more you play him to be some asshole just to be an asshole the more you all miss the point. go watch predacons rising and decepticon air and then go read the allspark almanac specifically his entries on those things. and his entry on archa seven. and his entry on the return of the headmaster for extra credit. go read those and get your essay explaining how he is an asshole for no reason back on my desk if you still feel he is one

favorite line literally who doesnt love the maintenance prime bit. its so cute im sorry im insane. my man made a joke and then 4 hours later was still giggling over it. whats wrong with you. two more i like include the "primer prime" conversation in predacons rising, and this fucking insane line from the almanac (seriously go read the almanac its insanity in there)

brOTP platonic relationships with sentinel are basically all hypothetical because he has literally like half a friend at most. but i think this goes to bumblebee LISTEN TO ME FIRST LISTEN TO ME FIRST PLEASE LISTEN could you imagine sitting those two down in a room together and getting them to actually talk about their issues.... good god. like oooo were both egotistical and think were the best and any time this is even remotely disproven to us we respond in high emotion typically anger and deep down this is all rooted in a need for attention and a need to protect....... also if they got along they would be so fucking annoying i think its what they both need though. they both bring the idea to each other that rank doesnt define happiness as a realization and its like oh my god.... oh my god....? oh my god. and then bumblebee will definitely convince sentinel to pull petty pranks on optimus with him and optimus is going to regret making these two friends but deep down be heartwarmed about it.

OTP . well if you read my optimus one must i say more. im the senop guy im sorryyyy. heres a new block for this one auuuuuuuu the intricacies of it allllll.... since this is my sentinel post i just... good god the way him and optimus are. the complex feelings sentinel has entirely. imagine you experience the trauma of your friend (potentially girlfriend) dying in front of you and as a defense mechanism you cant allow yourself to be the blame because that would break you so you blame your only other friend (potentially boyfriend. my post my insanity) and you manage to shut him out out of fear of getting hurt again and because you associate him with hurt in general like the whole man is a walking flashback and then one day he dies. and you were one of the last people he talked to. ever. imagine what that does to a guy. even in a comic that i dont particularly like the sentinel depiction in hes put in chaaaarge of his fuuuneraaalllll good GOD what the fuck. and now imagine 50 years later you find out hes alive. and from your perspective, never told you he was. after everything. and now, imagine, your other friend who died hundreds, if not a thousand years ago, is also alive. and he definitely knew. and didnt tell you. and now imagine this man is also the closest thing you have to a friend because you never made friends his absence because "cant lose friends if you dont have them." yeah. yeah. him and optimus need to talk about this and i think kiss about it

nOTP i so rarely see sentinel ships. the only ones i really see are sentinel/jazz, which i think is cool cute even, sentinel/lockdown which is. ??????????? see my prowl post girl i think if that happened sentinel would just fully not be an autobot at that point. that cannot feasibly happen in the normal timeline. and i have very rarely seen some weird stuff with the jettwins. which is a definite no no from me. dont do that. but thats a general thing i think most jettwin ships are weird because they read as so young to me. so what im saying is because no one likes sentinel i have never really been presented with anything that makes me want to kill and maim really.

random headcanon autistic prowl this autistic bulkhead that. sentinel is robot autistic and no one wants to talk about it because hes not "cute" with it. youre telling me you have a guy who rarely understands emotional and social cues who fails to be empathetic in any way at all and is that bad at lying and often does not show the "correct" emotions for social situations and has a lot of rule following tendencies and gets so grossed out from the touch of organic stuff that he needs to clean the feel off of him (something i also just attribute to trauma but i will fight on this hill) and you dont think thats autistic of him? your bias is showing

unpopular opinion hes literally such a sympathetic character. he is not even close to a joke character. he is also not the worst bot in the show at all in terms of weird crimes and moral shit. you are all just so mean to him. you saw the project omega events and you think sentinel being a little mean to optimus is the big bad here. you think him hunting down wasp (albeit a fucked up act the way he did it) is the worst thing ever? read how the jettwins were made. you think the things he said to blackarachnia in predacons rising and felt like blackarachnia was more sympathetic somehow even if she was probably WORSE than him in terms of war crimes..? like i felt bad for them both but she literally had live test subjects multiple times. also another fucking point for ultra magnus war crimes he is just as harsh on optimus as sentinel just more eloquent with his words and more willing to admit when hes wrong. that doesnt take away the harshness you are just BIASED..!!

song i associate with them (uncomfortably long stare at my sentinel playlist) (looking back) um. ok. just one? ok. uh.. well. lets go with the first on that very playlist. Dear McCracken by Bug Hunter. This is the senop song ever to me. imagine it from jazz's perspective which is absolutely insane to say i know but. you see the plane is the steelhaven and sentinel is the middle aged woman and optimus is mccracken. you just have to understand.

favorite picture of them this from the return of the headmaster hes so cute to me. can you tell that return of the headmaster is one of my favourite episodes ever. i bet you can guess what my other ones are too.

[astargatelover]

Watching The da Vinci Code for the first time - A documentation

-  About to watch The da Vinci Code for the first time. It’s about 3AM. Back of the DVD says the movie’s almost 2h30 long. Will approximately be going to bed at about 6AM. I gotta be crazy.

- Back of the DVD also says (translated from German): In the middle of the night the (…) is (…) Langdon (TOM HANKS) in the (…) director was murdered. His (?) (…) that of the Vitruvian Man (…) is the first horrible clue (…) and symbols. At the risk of his life (something something) Langdon – and from then on it’s a normal description, it’s just that that part is obscured by the library stamp. So I can confidently say I totally know what’s going on in this movie! *serious nod*

- Third highlight of the back of the DVD: Ian McKellen, grumpy-looking monk dude and a guy looking like Palpatine. And the Louvre.

- Also in the movie: Some German I don’t know (but yay!) and Paul Bettany. He’s cool; I really liked him in A Knight’s Tale.

- Let’s get this show on the road!

- …gotta update my media player. One sec!

- There we go. …where’s the always-on-top button? Ah, found it! Light’s off in my room; cinema time.

- Music’s already nice in the menu.

- Audio: English. (More nice music.) Subtitles: (Hey, they have Turkish on offer!) Off.

- (They even have subtitles for the trailers. But no extras. Am miffed. What kind of bare-bones DVD is this?!)

- 20 minutes after the first “about” up there: Play movie.

- Fancy title cards.

- Dude running. He’s gonna die; I know that much.

- Paul!

- *sigh*

- Oooooh, it’s Robert. That’s a lot of applause.

- (Btw, in case you didn’t know: I have watched Angels & Demons because I love Ernesto Olivetti a crazy amount.)

- I like Robert. Awesome presentation.

- Also like Tom Hanks. He’s great.

- Accents, y’all.

- Latin? Latin. Italian? No, definitely Latin.

- Ouch. Self-flagellation. Ooooooouch. Some religious people are crazy.

- Dude, you can barely stand. I’m a sadist and I don’t want you doing that to you.

- We’re only 10 minutes in, my goodness.

- Claustrophobia! I relate to that.

- Just let the dude take the stairs.

- Wow.

- Priests.

- Have I mentioned I’m not a big fan of catholics? Nothing personal.

- Also: Autistic Langdon, symbology special interest.

- French.

- Sophie! Heard of her.

- Strange happenings.

- Oooooooooh.

- French lady. I don’t speak French.

- *window jump scare*

- We don’t trust the police guy.

- Conspiracies!

- Fuck.

- “Once he starts, he doesn’t stop.” He’s like Javert.

- Climb out the window?

- More French.

- Oooooooh! They’re so tricking them, aren’t they? They’re not dumb.

- Bye bye!

- I’m sorry for Sophie.

- (I saw that part where her grandfather got shot years ago.)

- Here we go with the anagrams.

- Eidetic memory (pretty much) - firms up my autism headcanon.

- Can you even get that close to the Mona Lisa irl?

- Tom Hanks has a really nice nose. xD

- Langdon’s so good with anagrams.

- It’s like a scavenger hunt.

- Ooh, Musketeer symbol.

- Chase music!

- Flashback with crazy meetings.

- A smart! I get to bop someone now.

- Ooh, Les Mis.

- Backwards! That’s impressive.

- She’s so gonna make it.

- She made it!

- Bye bye, mirror.

- Paul’s looking angry.

- Someone got stabbed. I sense guilt.

- More dead people.

- Holy water.

- A nun.

- A rose line.

- Is he gonna kill her? She seems nervous.

- MORE FRENCH.

- Red light zone.

- (It’s raining outside. Kinda sets the mood.)

- You stay away from that dude, nun.

- Saving a junkie?

- (Sophie’s a really nice name, btw.)

- He rambles when he gets the chance so much. Really reminds me of special interests. (And in case anyone takes issue with that, I should know. I’m autistic. I have them.)

- My parents just watched Knightfall. Now I know some about the templars’ fall.

- Sophie didn’t know they were supposed to protect the Holy Grail? Really? Huh.

- Moooooore French.

- Please don’t die, nun.

- That’s some scar under his eye.

- Those look like some anger issues.

- It’s the grumpy-looking monk dude.

- Seriously, I understand more Latin than French.

-  “Blood is being spilled” as he’s spilling wine, that’s great.

- Freeeeeeeeeench.

- “I don’t think he liked me very much. He once made a joke at my expense.” I relate to this guy so hard on the autism level.

- It’s the German dude.

- That’s some system they’ve got at that bank.

- You call that a rose?

- I’m with Langdon here. Safe passage?

- Aww, poor guy. I’ve got claustrophobia, too, and I haven’t even got a traumatizing event behind me. (I read that somewhere.)

- I like the driver.

- A lot. Nice one with the watch.

- Langdon, you look sick. Please don’t die, y’all.

- JESUS CHRIST.

- Poor Sophie. </3 Woah.

- How tf did that truck get there?

- That bullet. Smaaart move. *thumbs up*

- Ouch.

- Bye bye again.

- Do I like the police captain? I don’t know.

- The tea convo. xD

- Is Langdon like this in the books? I hope he is.

- How old is Sophie? *googles Audrey Tatou* (Ooh, Amélie!) *checks when movie was made* ‘bout 30.

- Yaaaaaas, Ian.

- Also please don’t die.

- (Both my faves in Angels & Demons die. I’m vorbelastet and can’t find a good English word for that.)

- Jesus was cool.

- Those helmets. Feathers!

- “Not even his nephew twice removed.” xDDD

- Is that paisley? *googles* It is. Nice!

- Just in case you’re wondering, I am typing this as I watch the movie. I’m not saying I’m not missing anything, but I like multitasking.

- *googles The last Supper* Wow, no cup.

- Genital symbols.

- Wombs open towards the ground, though. People with them aren’t constantly doing handstands.

- Have I mentioned one of my favorite movies is Dogma, which postulates that Jesus had siblings? I’m liking this conversation.

- “Companion meant spouse.” My gay ass likes this.

- If that is Mary Magdalene, though, which apostle is missing? Been wondering this for years.

- Scions. I like this.

- I’m all for sex positivity.

- Your time’s kinda running out, guys.

- Almost halfway through, now.

- Do you seriously believe they’re murderers?

- Why do you wear your police thingies like a blind man’s band?

- Was overall expecting a bit more running in this movie, I guess.

- Poor Sophie. This is a lot to take in.

- Beating someone up with crutches! Yas!

- Like, ouch.

- Do you happen to have a secret passage under your house? Would come in real handy.

- Oh, Zürich! Man, accents. Barely understood that.

- Frehehench.

- In my personal experience claustrophobic people aren’t generally fans of planes. That might just be me, though.

- Still don’t know Paul’s character’s name.

- We are leaving the country.

- That haircut. On the dude with the grumpy-looking monk.

- Does Jesus having a family beside his parents somehow make him less holy? *shrug*

- FRENCH.

- Police brutality?

- “Please”? Seriously? I understood that much and you’re a dick.

- This is, like, some Order of the White Lotus stuff.

- You need a mirror? You can’t read it otherwise? Huh. Well, I guess it’s just easier.

- I really like Lee.

- How many more ways can I angrily write French? (I don’t have anything against the language per se. I just don’t understand what they’re saying and that irks me. There aren’t even subtitles for that. I feel like there are supposed to be subtitles.)

- (It is nice, however, that they’re sticking to the languages they’d actually be speaking. I wonder if it’s all German in German.)

- Yo, police. Be more subtle. You could have laid a trap.

- “You can start with him.” Hm! xD

- “I could run them over.” !! Man, this is great.

- This is like a fucking magic trick.

- You know what, I wanna watch that again.

- The DVD did not like that, so now I get to look at the “pick scene” menu. At least there’s more nice music.

- Just out of curiosity… *checks* There are 24 chapters and I’m at the 16th.

- I can understand more French when I concentrate on it, but I’ve been too annoyed about it so far.

- Never had French at school, btw. But have a bit of a talent for languages. When it comes to those I can sometimes cobble meaning together from context and existing knowledge.

- “The French cannot be trusted”, sounds so ominous.

- As a fan of Angels & Demons, I am very interested in what the Vatican has to say about all this.

- Told ya we don’t like planes.

- Naww, Sophie. Arm pat, yas.

- How do you accidentally fall into a well feet first? Hmm…

- Saved by pigeons, wow.

- Paul’s eyes are super blue.

- Is he gonna get killed?

- What an old-ass phone.

- I’m worried about that newspaper.

- How they’re keeping the identity of the teacher secret is A+, shooting-wise.

- “Your identity shall go with me to the grave.” Did he know he was gonna die?

- Nice one!

- Is the second movie this long? *checks* Not quite.

- Seriously. Unnaturally blue eyes.

- Shoot-out.

- I can kinda see where Lee’s coming from. Don’t agree with the method, but…

- Did a shoulder-shot really kill him?

- See? Nope.

- I think I do kinda like the police captain.

- Have I mentioned my attraction to side characters?

- Oh, that tiny wound on her neck. I like the attention to detail.

- And those stained glass windows! Pretty.

- His mind! Wow.

- I wanna see this scene without music and special effects, though, to see what Sophie and Lee see. Must be pretty weird. xD

- Dramatic musiiiiic.

- Police captain coming through! Yas.

- Robert’s like “What is happening?”

- Man, those poor policemen with the screaming dude in the back of the car.

- Can’t resist a challenge, can you?

- It’s hecking dark behind that doorway.

- Can they get away with getting rid of all the villains half an hour before the movie’s over?

- Now she’s all Ghost Whisperer-like.

- I like the way it sounds when she calls him Robert.

- (Doing some more googling. Ah, it’s Leigh. I see.)

- Who are these guys? Something bad’s happening.

- Flashbacks and MORE FRENCH.

- Wonder if Robert and Sophie use the formal you in German. It wouldn’t fit.

- Sophie’s world is kinda falling apart.

- (She’s like Bethany in Dogma. Don’t know if anyone here even knows Dogma, but I love it.)

- Family reunion! Who put those onions here?

- See? Robert and I agree. Why should a family make Jesus less holy?

- I really like this friendship. I hope they’ll meet again.

- Checking if she can walk on water. xD

- Hey, it’s the Eiffel tower! And it’s playing light house.

- Blood.

- What? What is it?

- Wow.

- This music is real nice.

- 7 minutes of credits.

- Again, though: The music is nice.

[littlebabycrybtch]

i rly think we need to start trying to address the problem of calling teenagers “angsty/emo/etc” when it is... so fucking obvious that theyre actually just really mentally ill or in incredible pain. 

when i was 11, i was a kid who dressed in all black with raccoon eyeliner and had superficial cuts on my wrist. it wasnt for attention, i was autistic and undiagnosed, and the struggle of going from the same elementary school i had attended for 7 years with 1 class and easy courses, to a new school with 8 different classes a day and ‘advanced’ courses i didnt want to be in, with No idea why i was struggling so fucking badly and no available help, made me rock bottom depressed and suicidal. i secretly attempted suicide twice. it is, to date, what i consider the worst year of my life, and my mom even recalls it with; “i didnt know if you were going to make it.” 

and yes sorry but heres the cringey sob story;;; i was mocked for being ‘’’emo’’’ constantly, people would just flat out ask me if i was and id say “uh.... no?” because i didnt. Think i was. i was just real fucking sad. thats all. but that rly just made it worse and before long i was considered your classic ‘’’’emo attention whore’’’’, and girls would frequently call me out in the locker room when theyd see me changing and notice my self harm cuts/scars. they purposefully tried to draw attention to it and make a scene out of it. and it was the fucking worst. i hated getting attention for it, i wanted to be invisible and hardly exist, not be a spectacle.

even my fucking teachers didnt catch on, i was embarrassed by them in front of my classes multiple times for not bringing in homework or having a failing grade, one teacher telling me i had “17% in her class” and that it was “almost like you have to be Trying to fail that bad”. that cut me so fucking deep man, i was doing my absolute Best just to get out of bed in the morning when i felt like fucking dying. at 11 years old. I didnt understand why i felt that bad, and why other kids didnt get it. even the ones that were also having a hard time. i felt so alone and needed help so badly, but people were fine putting me in the ‘emo/needs attention’ box and just moving tf on without feeling like intervening.

it wasnt until a friend of mine finally went to the school counselor and told him that i was cutting myself that anything happened. he had to call my mom and tell her about it, which she cried about through the phone. that was the lowest point, but also the only point where things started to turn around. she cracked down and helped me as much as she could, and somehow i made it through the rest of that year. but what did the school do after that??? they kicked me out because of my grades. i wasnt allowed to come back for the next year, and had to start online schooling, away from all my friends, which only made recovery 10x fucking harder. 

so tldr; i was extremely suicidal and depressed as a pre teen, moreso than i have ever experienced since then as a 20 year old, and i was brushed off as just a sad angsty teen, which almost killed me on more than one occasion. as we grow up, we need to remember this shit and spread awareness about it so we dont let the next generation grow up dealing with that. mentally ill teens is such a growing problem, and they deserve so much more than they get.

in the end if you think someone is just ‘looking for attention’, but the way they’re going about it is with such extremes like dark/unkempt appearance, failing grades/losing jobs, lack of motivation, self harm or suicide threats, for gods sake, give them attention. Get Them Some Help, They Fucking Need It.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

throwing out some random numbers: 2, 23, 27, 39, 53, 58, 64, 76, 89

that’s the spirit tyvm.....you don’t know what these numbers will give me, idk what i’ll get from them, we’re just gonna see where it goes together

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

this time i’ll cape for lollipops. they can be fun colors! you can hold the stick in your mouth as something to fidget with.....Fruit Flavor....

23. strange habits?

hmm i mean [autistic behavior] which would seem ~strange~ but only from that certain perspective.......i think One Weird Trick i do is from this nightmare time when like, one semester in college i guess uhhh that was wow a decade ago lmao i had 8 am classes every day for 2 semesters and my roommate and i were night owls so i’d (generally) go to bed earlier and i got in the habit of like, covering my head (or the top half anyways) with like a robe or towel or whatever to block out the light. makeshift sleep mask basically. except i’ve slept like that ever since and it feels weird to Not do so. and i doubt an Actual sleep mask would cut it cuz it’s partially the weight thing. i can only imagine how fun a weighted blanket is lol

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

going tf inside!!!!!!! cold weather is garbage. although once i did go ice skating and reasonably enjoyed it. i like skating

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

i don’t like pie very much lmao i think the Crust is generally disappointing and i’m not big on the fillings. that said, lemon meringue is a Superior Pie and i’ve made it probably at least a dozen times, it’s pretty fun i think. but still the answer is lemon cake. lemon cake is amazing. cake is amazing. no contest between like, do i want some Amazing fancy pie? or do i want this $1.50 cake mix? i would probably want the cake. or i’d at least have to take a moment to think about it even if going with the pie cuz yeah some pie Is good and u can’t quite get the same flavors in a cake, like rhubarb. i don’t know that rhubarb cake exists. but lemon cake is great. lemon Pound cake hell fucking yes Please

53. what is the current state of your hands?

my hands are fine. they’re here and the same as ever. my nails are already a little too long but not to the point i Gotta cut them cuz it’s annoying tf out of me.....they’re not very dry, which is good, cuz yknow sometimes in the winter it’s like oh no i need lotion to live or smthing.....one time it was winter and i had dryass hands and we went to this Concert and i was just clapping enthusiastically and it made the back of one hand bleed lmao like yikes. the back of my right hand has a freckle although maybe that’s a mole, i haven’t been paying enough attention to know for sure lol.....i used to have a freckle in the middle of my palm on my left hand but that faded a while back. speaking of my palms the other day i was like, hmm is there some weird subtle like crepeiness in the surface of my Palm Skin??? it seemed like there was weird like, lattice-forming creasiness going along the Length of my fingers / across my palm. it might’ve been a vitamin d thing so i ate 3 eggs. today my hands seem more normal but the whole thing might’ve just been me making it up + placebo yolks. but either way. very normal hand day i’m having rn

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

man idk lol. i can get shy cats to like me sometimes. you just Be Chill with them and let them get used to you, idk it’s not hard @ anyone who thinks befriending cats is difficult like, probably that’s just you doing it way wrong........i can cook decently well, that’s handy i think and it can be fun even though it’s also this whole involved hassle......i like to Draw Emotively (in that the drawings are emotionally evocative / expressive, not that the way that i draw is particularly emotive) and i like when people like it / read it as Expressively as intended, i guess i’m proud? like, mission accomplished.......oh wait yeah and damn when i practiced ballet for like a whole decade i was proud of being good at that i guess cuz yknow, Effort, same as with drawing lol i’ve been doing it for a hot minute, i can be proud of those results.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

i wasn’t very Online as a kid b/c we had the one computer w/ a dialup connection & just like, whenever i was using the computer lots it was Pc Games......didn’t rly be on the Net much until Late ‘08.......

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

i’ve said latkes but you know who really supports me recently is a Whole potato i just scrub off and microwave and cut up and throw some salt n peppy and Shedd’s Spread uponst. like thank you so much for these nutrients and easy preparation, Staple Food

89. who would you put before everyone else?

hmph i don’t like, like, this Pyramid Tiering of everyone in your life with these higher and lower Levels of mattering-to-youness. i mean yeah sure i think we agree that it’s generally the case that we have More casual acquaintances vs friends vs Close friends and so on, but like. why are we gonna accept this Concept where like “okay but What If you need to only pick One Person.” like we’re driverless cars who need to program ourselves about whose life we prioritize, are we gonna run over This pedestrian or That one, who’s Winningest in the “being important to us” game. like we’re not a parent and the house is on fire and which of our three children do we love the most? well like, whose bedroom is closest. which of them hasn’t already bailed out a window. what if our Favorite isn’t the one we’d help first cuz maybe someone needs our help more at some particular time. like what does this question even mean!!!! what is the purpose of asking it??? i don’t like the premise or accept it. and it smacks of [those Concepts surrounding ~romance~ which i also do not like or vibe with]. no b.a.e........i’d go all out for Friends or for People I’ve Never Met But Respect or for Strangers.......some ppl would not get my all-out effort lmao or will get my nah-i-won’t-lift-a-finger lol but that’s if they’re like reeeal shitty. but like why should we whittle down ppl’s Importance to us to like “okay but who’s the 1 the ONE person who you care MOST about” like goddamn why are we adopting this framework. like ideally we have a Community of ppl in our lives who have different relationships / roles / connections to us, and this is pretty complex and why even Think about like, well there *has* to be the One who you prioritize Most Every Time, and you need to Know who that is......like what does that mean. and you know like. maybe the people who are in your life most intimately aren’t always the ones who have the strongest Help/Support ties to you here......like relationships are complicated and varied and having a network of people is better than like the idea that we should be fine and thriving with [The ~Soulmate~] [the friends who are kinda important but pale in comparison to The Soulmate] [family?] [acquaintances] like well if you Would Die For This Person and They’d Die For You you guys are obviously set!! 

anyways i went off about it but i get mad about this stuff like. the stuff that feels like it’s even within 2 degrees of talking about those Soulmates and romantique notions like being incomplete or inherently unfulfilled without That One Special Someone. and even throwing the Romance out the window, why like, have your network of relationships put into a Tournament Bracket where you whittle down who matters most until the Champion emerges????? goddamn

[blackgirlbollywood]

Barfi movie review and how I officially fell in love wtih Ranbir Kapoor

I gotta confess I heard about this movie A LOT but I only recently sat down to watch it because I was thirsting after Ranbir ( although  tbh like a good 80% of the movies I’ve watched were because I was thirsting for some actor. I’m basic, I know moving on.)

This is obviously going to have spoilers so don’t read if you haven’t seen the movie

So basically the movie is about the love triangle between Barfi a deaf/mute man played by Ranbir Kapoor, Shruti a girl who is engaged played by Ileana D’Cruz and Jhilmil (which is suuuuuch a pretty name to me idk why I just think it’s really cute) an autistic girl and heriess to her grandfater’s fortune played by Priyanka Chopra. The movie is told largely through  flashbacks and present day interviews with people who knew Barfi.

So in like the early 70s Shruti and her family moving to Darjeeling while she waits to get married in 3 months to this dude named Ranjit and she meets Barfi, the local troublemaker who instantly falls for her but at first Shruti is like fam you need to chill. Eventually he wins her over with his big personality and they end up making out by her lake which was v v sexy. Anyway homegirl’s hatin ass mom finds out about it and she basically tells her to dead the whole thing b/c she doesnt think Barfi will be able to provide a good life for her or her future children because of his disabilities (which was honestly soo rude). 

And then she takes Shruti to see some logger guy that she used to mess around with back in the day  who she didnt marry for the same reason (like we really need to talk about older female characters in movies who dont marry the love of their lives and then up being bitter and hateful towards young people in love). 

Anyway, Barfi comes over to Shruti’s house wanting to propose to her and ask for her parents’ blessing and honestly this scene had a young bitch in tears because he came in so confident and sure that everything was gonna go his way but Hatin Ass Mama gives him a cold dose of reality and completely shits on him. And then to make it worse he sees Shruti with her Flop Ass Fiancé and that breaks him even more. She tries making some weak ass excuse but anyway she marries Count Flopula and she and Barfi go separate ways.

Meanwhile shit just keeps getting worse for my homeboy Barfi. His dad’s kidneys are failing so he has to quickly hustle some dough to get him a surgery. Naturally he decides to rob a bank but when that doesn't go well he decides to kidnap Jhilmil for ransom which was funny b/c some-one else was already kidnapping her and he just comes along like well shit lucky break

So he actually gets the money for his dad’s operation but because this movie has no fucking chill his dad dies before Barfi can get to the hospital. Feelin all sad and shit Barfi decides to leave Jhilmil with one of her old caretakers and dip but Jhilmil just ends up following him so that doesnt work out. So then he ends up taking care of her and then they live together for 6 years which was so so sooo cute. Like honestly the scenes where he and Jhilmil were living together were honestly my favourite parts of the movie.

Anyway so one day he runs into Shruti who at this point is predictably depressed because her marriage to Count Flopula is dull as shit and the whole time she never stopped loving Barfi. Then she starts hanging out with Barfi and Jhilmil and basically visiting them everyday which was low-key awkward for me to watch because like Shruti sis, you had your chance with him girl now please stay in your lane.

 So anyway one day they’re out at this festival and Barfi is paying way more attention to Shruti so Jhilmil just gets completely over it and dips (which, me too girl, you not going to pay more attention to your old thing in my face and just have me stand there like a lame). Finally realizing Jhilmil is missing, Barfi runs around trying to find her but can’t so Shruti reports her missing which ends up starting a whole bunch of bullshit b/c this cop that’s been looking for Jhilmil for 6 years shows up and arrests Barfi for kidnapping and they proceed to beat the shit outta my mans in jail trying to force him to confess (thanks a bunch Shruti). 

So then they get another ransom letter while they’re interviewing Barfi, and while the cops and her dad were trying to hand off the money Jhilmil is somehow killed. Which I was in complete disbelief off like no tf they didnt. I was fr fr ready to swing on the director(Anurag Basu square tf up bitch!).

 So then the head inspector wants to pin Jhilmil’s death on Barfi even though he clearly didnt do it but the cop that arrested Barfi tells Shruti to take him away so he can escape because he grew really found of Barfi over the years of chasing after him for other shit.

So Shruti does just that and at first she’s hella geeked b/c with Jhilmil “dead”, she now has Barfi all to herself (which Shruti girl get help b/c that is really messed up). But her time with Barfi ends up being not what she thought it would be at all because he’s (naturally) super depressed about what happened to Jhilmil. Like he doesn’t believe that she’s really dead so he keeps looking for her. Eventually they end up at the group home that Jhilmil spent most of  her life at and they discover that she’s actually alive! (Yay Jhilmil!) And I really screamed at that part because he was so so happy when he saw her and the scene where they’re just standing with their foreheads touching like, I was so emotional. 

Anyway we find out that the whole thing (the first attempted kidnapping and the ransom letter)  was a scam between Jhilmil’s dad and the owner of the group home. Her dad wanted to get her inheritance b/c Jhilmil’s grandpa left him and her mom dust and they faked her death so they could get Jhilmil away from her alcoholic mother and make sure she was properly cared for which was sweet but still a little fucked if you ask me.

Anyway Barfi and Jhilmil end up getting married in one of the cutest (i know i’m using cute a lot I promise I have a more advanced vocabularly) weddings ever and Shruti basically spends the rest of her life alone, regretting that she didn’t end up with Barfi (which is hella sad but, you made your choice sis) . So cut to the present where Barfi is old and really sick in the hospital and everyone is worried that he’s going to die. Jhilmil shows up and honestly she didnt even look that old, they literally just gave Priyanka a dusty salt and pepper wig and glasses and was like you’re old now. So she’s climbs into bed with him and then, Notebook-style with Shruti narrating, they..die? (Like really Anurag Basu?) I mean the credit roll with all the happy memories between Jhilmil and Barfi was everything so I guess it makes up for the ending (but next time do better hoe)

So finally thoughts; I fucking LOVED this movie. It was such a full adventure and it looked beautiful! It just made me feel so happy watching it despite some of the really sad parts. If you liked the movie Amelie (which is probably one of my favourite movies) you’ll definitely enjoy watching Barfi because they’re really  similar in cinematography, soundtrack and tone. Like they both left me feeling very warm and hopeful. Also s/o to Ranbir for his acting in this like, my man really put his foot in that and also to Priyanka because bitch! What a change. Like when I started watching I had to google if that was really PC b/c I’ve literally never seen her look like that. Also it was really confusing too beause at first I wasn’t sure how old Jhilmil was supposed to be  because she looks a smooth 13 years old and the thought of a love story line between her and between her and Barfi was like girl no, but then I understood she’s supposed to be like 18 or older. But anyway I’m glad I watched it and this just proves that sometimes thirst watching really can help you uncover something great!

[poppyseed799]

People are so ridiculous about people “faking mental illness” nowadays

Like I get it, there is a sudden influx of people faking disorders and such, and we should be wary of that, BUT YOU CAN’T ACCUSE EVERY PERSON WHO SAYS THEY HAVE TOURETTE’S OF LYING! It’s unrealistic that nobody on Earth has Tourette’s!!

I see people list the like 4 mental illnesses that they have and people say “ugh another person faking mental illness for attention” FOUR??? THATS NOT A LOT!!! ITS NOT UNREALISTIC!!! Especially when there’s like depression, anxiety, ptsd, etc. Those things are fairly common in this day and age, PTSD could happen to literally anyone as there are many traumatic events a person could potentially get into.

And then ADHD and autism “oh that must be fake” THOSE TWO COMMONLY GO TOGETHER A LOT. IT’S REALISTIC. If someone told me they had autism, adhd, depression, anxiety, and ptsd, I would believe it because there’s no reason those things wouldn’t possibly go together. Not saying they have to, I have autism and no depression after all, but it’s not unrealistic that they would.

And things don’t even have to go together! My mom has autism and bipolar disorder. Those things aren’t connected (as far as I know?), they’re just two things a person could have, and she has them. Yet if some random NT on the internet heard me say my mom was autistic and bipolar they’d say I was lying. HOW IS THAT UNREALISTIC. Unless they think autistic bipolar ppl can’t have kids, which is another issue entirely 🤔

Another thing is when someone says they think they have something, and people instantly jump to tell them they’re faking. WHY??? “You can’t just say you have it” THEY DIDN’T?? THEY SAID THEY MIGHT??? “You can’t SUSPECT you have something, you need a diagnosis” HOW TF DO YOU THINK PEOPLE GET A DIAGNOSIS. THEY SUSPECT THEY HAVE IT FIRST. I was never tested for schizophrenia cuz there was never any reason to think I had it! The only reason people get tested for it is when they think they might have it! How is this so hard to understand?

I currently think I might have OCD, can’t wait to be told “quit faking for attention” when I’m not even claiming to have it. You don’t know why I think I might have OCD. You might assume it’s for dumb reasons and I’m just stupid, which is possible, but YOU DON’T KNOW FOR SURE. In truth my therapist (and psychiatrist) wanted to get me a diagnosis but didn’t notice any compulsive behaviors, since mine aren’t that noticeable/can look like stimming (and everyone knows I have autism). Even without a diagnosis he tried to give me therapy strategies meant for OCD ppl and described my anxieties as “OCD-like thinking”. I only googled OCD AFTER all of that and while you can say “googling disorders and deciding you have it isn’t good” FIRST OF ALL I’m not diagnosing myself and SECOND OF ALL the fact that all of the lists of OCD symptoms made me go “oh shoot” probably means SOMETHING lol. I only did it after what my therapist said anyways.

And then my mom said “oh yeah your grandfather was OCD” and I said GOD DAMN IT because I seem to have literally everything he has for some reason (idk if he was diagnosed or if my mom just said that tho)

Anyways my point is it’s REALLY annoying when people claim someone is faking a disorder with NO EVIDENCE. Like if you’ve been around them a lot or it’s one of those tiktok things so you can see a lot of what they’re doing, then maybe you could think “this seems fake”. BUT IF SOMEONE JUST SAYS “I have ADHD” THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO DENY IT.

[cheetahleopard]

A dump

This will be,,, very disjointed and personal

Memories:

That one time I rocked myself back and forth for an hour and a half after lights out in the hospital by the desk

When I thought I was autistic

That time I forgot it was nearly Halloween and I ignored someone in costume as they followed me around trying to get my attention

I had tape over my (broken, mind you) chromebook camera for all 3 years I owned it

Cutting/touching things a certain number of times

Things I deal with:

Laughing and leering nervously and so everyone thinks I'm lying

Disjointed sentences

Distracted

Lightheaded

I can’t clearly remember the last 10 years

Random muscle spasms, usually ones making me jolt backwards and curl in on myself as though someone just shot my stomach

Thinking of something or redoing a scenario in my head and being unable to tell which I made up and which is reality

I have never heard silence

Been overwhelmed by music only to take off my headphones and find the noises my head is making me hear are even more overwhelming

Tried to focus on homework only for my vision to white out every time I look at it

Dry heaving/puking every morning

Believing wholeheartedly things people won’t believe me if I tell them

Simply forgetting to do homework because I don’t remember the day it was assigned

Being hurt but not realizing it until hours later bc I don’t feel like part of my body

Feeling limbs I don’t have

Ringing in my ears whenever I stand up or run or basically move

Random chatter in my head like a coffee shop ambiance

Feeling the inane urge to cry

The compulsive need to shatter my world then burn the pieces and dance in the ashes

Am I being followed/watched?

All the light switches need to be like this or I can’t sleep and I can always tell if they’re out of position when I’m trying to sleep

Putting off everything I want to do and even need to do bc I can’t move there’s lead flowing through my veins

Random good and bad days

Doubting my mental illness even though I’m diagnosed

Random muscle spasms

When did I last ____?

Putting up with ableist and neurotypical stuff

Not being able to function without friends

Psyching yourself out with a simple thought that repulses you (ie wanting something but someone else touched it but if it’s someone you trust it’s fine)

Wishing one of my friends would do in-depth research of schizophrenia so that they knew how to help me or reaffirm me

Little manipulative tests just to be sure that my friends are trustworthy but then feeling like shit around them bc guilt

Feeling build up and wishing for an episode already so that the tension won’t choke me

Insecurity

Being told it’s normal to be unable to function

Taking abilify but not thinking your dose is high enough bc I still have constant auditory hallucinations and trouble with reality but also not wanting to be reliant but also neurotypicals are just as reliant their brains just naturally produce them

Worrying illogically that I’m to much of a burden for my friends to willingly shoulder (under insecurity ig)

Social ineptitude until I overthink everything and then it’s fake diplomate smiles time

Acing tests and being in the 99-100% range for state testing (except math bc diagrams) (who gives a fuck about box and whisker plots we learned those in 2nd grade) but barely passing or barely failing my classes bc I can’t bring my life into focus enough to do homework

That wonderful feeling when I find a homework strategy that works

That horrible feeling when it begins to fail

Seeing everything slip through my fingers

How tf do I show affection in good amounts

Having that one interest that I know in and out and have been obsessed with for upwards 3 years

Friends being amazing but not helpful as they could be (god that sounds ungrateful but that’s not what I mean I mean that they don’t take the time to figure out how to help me so I doubt my importance in their lives)

That’s all I’m going to share for now but damn there’s a lot more :’|

[flameontheotherside]

Elephant In The Room

Since meeting Erik and being on this journey, I've learned and evolved so much. Part of that has me realize that I can't really love anyone else. Someone else (like Rick) will always come second and it's a horrible feeling to want to make it different but can't. It's nearly impossible. I tried. I really tried but it feels completely off.

So is it fair to Rick. I'm confused. I don't think it's fair but honestly, he's admitted to settling for whatever he could get. I mean I literally also have watched him constantly go back to his ex gfs. Even when he shouldn't have which was all of them mostly. It feels and looks as though he's settling for me too, which doesn't bother me. So I guess it's okay?

Besides Erik, Rick's, the only one who really gets me.

Rick and Erik are a lot alike and I've said before we started talking as friends that I didn't want or need an Erik clone. I didn't know they were that much alike until I came out here. Rick and I met in 2010 and at the time I wasn't looking for a serious relationship anymore. Literally told him that and remained friends. He moved out here to WA 6 years ago. I guess the universe gave me what I "wanted" 😐😑😒...

I didn't really care for Rick at the time because he was too hyper for me. Our crew or group of friends would always ask why we never dated. I remember rolling my eyes at one point and then started thinking he was better off with someone else anyway. The two of us in a single room would incite mayhem full of immaturity and because he's a talker in that he likes to lecture, I get bored and impatient easily and come off "rude". My attention span is shit. Especially if I'm not as enthusiastic about hearing of a subject for longer than 5 minutes. But except him to listen to me rant and rave over my spiritual topics.

The three of us have a diagnosis of....waitforit...

Bipolar, Tourettes and being on the Autistic Spectrum.

Yeah, it's kind of freaky but not surprising. I honestly thought rick read my blog and was playing me but he was serious. My tics were crazy when I first got here and I get them when I'm stressed, nervous, or off my meds. Buspar made it worse so I stopped it. I didn't get diagnosed with bipolar until I was 21 and I have a school record of "special Ed" classes, saw a speech pathologist and behavior therapist from elementary and through high school.

Not related, the only classes I did well in were band, history, computer tech, art, and English...believe it or not. Most of the time I struggled with bullying and being oblivious and weird.

I've mellowed out so I feel like a spayed cat.

Because I'm fat (again), lazy, tired, oblivious, weird and moody. That best describes me as of late.

Anyway I shouldn't forfeit my chance to have a relatively "normal life" just because my TF is dead. A soul mate is almost just as good. I still want a family. But I can't have my cake and eat it too because then Erik would still be alive and I'd have two boyfriends.

😘💕 Good night!

[quiltwork]

TW: School Staff Abuse & Neglect

Edit: I've decided to remove parts of this post as I've already discussed them, but these are more events that went on other than the torture events.

Starting in the 4th grade at 10 years old, I received an IEP from my diagnosis of autism. Things started changing. I received a tutor for half the day, a speech therapist, an occupational therapist, and an aide in my regular classroom. The tutor was cool, the occupational therapist was lovely, but the rest was not.

It was suggested to me that I go to my aide for help, but since I knew she wasn’t friendly last year, I just avoided her. By next week, I had no choice. My desk was moved next to her large desk at the very back, away from the rows of kids’ desks. I am now Outcast. 

Every moment now spent being yelled at to focus and do my work, just write something, no daydreaming allowed. Do better. I started manifesting OCD symptoms for organizing my stuff on my desk before working (which I now know was an anxious attempt at control in my life), to which she would restrain me by holding my hands down and tell me to get started on my work. I wasn’t allowed to stim by bouncing my legs. 

During fire drills, she would get on me for plugging my ears with my fingers, calling it “childish” and how “one day when I grow up, I won’t be allowed to do that, so grow up already”, basically. I just stuck out my tongue at her. 

During recess in the winter, when we’d hide behind the climbing wall to keep warm, we’d be yelled at to get on the blacktop. When before in 3rd grade, I was punished by being kept inside for recess, when my Mom got on them to let me outside, they did. But this year onwards, my punishments were spent outside on a chalk drawn dot watching everyone else play, let off at the very last minute before the bell. It was usually because I didn’t finish my work completely, got papers wrong, forgot to turn it in, didn’t know how to do it so I didn’t, or was refusing to be neurotypical. 

Dissociation, anger and self-hatred was what I felt and did. Sometimes I’d bully others, then felt bad and stop. I had internalized ableism. On one hand, I wanted the staff to leave me alone to let me be autistic, but because of the indoctrination and abuse, I wanted to be neurotypical so I could fit in and also be left alone by them, as well. If I could be good enough, I could avoid disaster. 

I had lunch detentions, too, spent at a separate table with other punished kids where we were told to be silent. The worst was when I was made to take my lunch tray and go back to the classroom to eat with my aide alone. I was afraid she would get on me for not eating correctly that I later developed social anxiety around eating in high school around some people, but bingeing none the less.  

In 6th grade, at 12 years old, I started running away from class to the bathrooms. This continued all the way until I graduated high school, where I’d go to empty rooms, restrooms, or the courtyard. Students would tell their teachers, my teachers would seek me out so they wouldn’t get in trouble, not because something might’ve been wrong with me. Most of the time, no one cared. I once watched Spongebob with a girl who might’ve been running away, too.

I begin to dissociate more severely the rest of my school years. Amnesia would set in, as it did for a lot of my traumas. In my dissociation, I would end up doing some pretty embarrassing stuff, that I often wonder might’ve been because I was possessed, or had dissociated parts because of trauma. 

My 6th grade math teacher, who was the other homeroom lady we’d visit as a class at the end of the day, hated me because I was disabled. Once I proved difficult to work in groups, she’d avoid helping me. When I had to come in early to finish a project, she’d tell me to leave her alone and do it on my own. About a week later, I did figure it out. Was excited and tried to show her so she’d be proud, and she still just wanted nothing to do with me. 

In 8th grade, I had an extremely difficult math class that was too fast, where the teacher would refuse to answer my hand, so the work would just pile up on my desk, to which I protested by not doing it unless he would pay attention to me. I vaguely remember him in a whispered intimidating voice telling me I should do it, to which I ignored him. 

At a parent teacher conference, he brought up how I was falling behind and asked why, I told the teachers I didn’t like him. (With what little social skills I had, that was all I could manage to say as to why I couldn’t do my work. I needed help!) But instead of diving deeper to figure it out, the teachers just oohed and awed at how I couldn’t possibly like him, “He was the best!”, “Everyone loves him!”. They quickly resorted to sending me back to my 7th grade math class, the one I was tortured in last year. Blankly staring at me like they’d won a fight, I said, “Fine.” and went downstairs to the class. 

My TF-CBT therapist would later say it was because they had no tutors or IEP teachers, so it was their only option. I felt like they were taking out the trash of a bad kid. If it was true they had no other option, they could’ve maturely leveled with me. Maybe I would’ve told my Mom so she could get me some outside help, instead of being furthered traumatized and conveniently blocking it out to survive.

Around this time, I tried explaining to my speech therapist that there was nothing wrong with my voice pitch. It would go high when I’d meet people for the first time that day, or with strangers. It was a way for me to express love and excitement to see my friends, or be polite around strangers. She’d listen to me, but continue to say I needed to work on it. I knew this was my aide’s influence, because she would get on me outside of sessions, too. 

I somehow knew my aide told my 7th grade math teacher to ignore my cries, both during and after what she did. I think she was trained in ABA therapy, because a lot of the normalization she wanted me to do reminds me of it, the medical model of disability. I’m just glad she’s retired and not hurting anybody else (hopefully). She seemed sweet on one kid. Maybe she hated me specifically because I tried using my voice.

If there was one good thing that came out of school, I had another aide my Senior year, after not having one for 3 years. He was so gentle, quiet, and loving that I didn’t know how to be around him. I hated the idea of another aide at first, but he showed me different. He liked my drawings, and even talked to me about his wife and new baby on the way, as if I was a person to him. I regret not being able to tell him how much that mattered to me. 

I have worked with God to have forgiveness for my aide and the school staff. They could’ve been influenced by demons to hurt me, working through their own sins and trauma. No one should abuse their power of authority. But I don’t live for them now. I’m happy with myself and throw off the mask as often as possible. 

[squirenonny]

7, 8, 11, 12, 13, 14. Voltron and/or Mistborn.

[Autistic character ask meme]

Voltron (Keith, Pidge) first, then Mistborn (Steris, Vin, Spook) below the cut because this got really long haaaa these aren’t special interests at ALL

Voltron

7. what calms them down?

90% of the time Keith calms down with some kind of physical activity (i.e. training). Mostly stress builds up as a restless kind of energy, paired with frustration that very easily turns to anger, and fighting is just… the fastest way to get it out. Plus, training is totally acceptable for a paladin, so there’s that. Other forms of physical activity that Keith finds calming: hiking, cave diving, jogging, pacing. (The other 10% of the time, he calms down by being incredibly still–star-gazing with Shiro or Pidge are favorites, but he’ll also sometimes just…. lie on his bed and let his mind wander.)

Pidge calms down by getting tf away from people. Normally that means going to work on robots/computers/other random projects down in Green’s hangar (or in their bedroom back on Earth), but it could also mean reading, listening to music (or intergalactic transmissions), or watching a movie while wrapped in the biggest blanket they can find. I also like to think Pidge sketches a lot. Mostly technical drawings, but sometimes just random things. (I mean. Voltron with a flaming sword + ladybug + whatever else ended up on their notepad.)

8. Do they know they’re Autistic? if so when & how did they realise?

Pidge absolutely knows they’re autistic. They were diagnosed relatively young, probably in elementary school, after a teacher noticed Pidge’s social and communication difficulties and talked with the Holts. So in a way it feels like they’ve always known. Certainly as long as they’ve been aware of people outside their family, they’ve known they were different, and they had a word for that pretty early on.

Keith doesn’t know he’s autistic. Maybe he’s very early in the process of self-diagnosis: getting to know Pidge brings him past the ‘all I know about autism I learned from Hollywood’ stage, and he’s started to identify with certain autistic traits, but he hasn’t had more than the occasional flash of ‘maaaaybe I’m autistic??’ followed immediately by that kind of embarrassed denial so many of us get. (That, “Come on Keith, get over yourself, you’re just an introvert, stop trying to be a special snowflake.”) We’ll get there.

11. how do they prefer to communicate? are they non verbal/have periods of being non verbal? do they use sign language? do they talk? do they prefer text, etc?

Pidge tends to be hyperverbal and doesn’t usually have difficulty with spoken language, but they do find typing to be more efficient. They’re less likely to ramble that way, and they feel more in control of their words when they can edit them before they send the message.

Keith is partially nonverbal. He goes nonverbal when he’s stressed or angry, and when he’s tired/confused/otherwise emotional or low on spoons, words can be hard to come by or get mixed up. (Also, regulating tone is just. The worst.) He doesn’t have a preferred alternate form of communication, mostly because he’s never thought of it, secondarily because he’s self-conscious about communication issues and would rather just be the “brooding emo silent one” than call attention to it. (I do think that eventually he and the rest of Team Voltron would start to develop a kind of sign language–probably a mix of military handtalk, ASL, and Altean Sign Language, because I doubt anyone else in the castle is fluent in any form of sign language.)

12. Is there any senses they struggle with particularly? (hearing, taste, etc)

Pidge has texture sensitivities, especially in clothing and food, but otherwise their hearing is the most sensitive. Buzzing/beeping/humming/other “white noise” gets on their nerves VERY quickly. They use their noise-cancelling headphones a lot even when they aren’t listening to transmissions or music.

Keith is touch-averse. There are certain people/circumstances that don’t bother him (shoulder-touching, Shiro in general, honestly Hunk most of the time, because Hunk gives such tight hugs that it’s deep pressure, which is nice.) Glancing/incidental/light touches–especially when unexpected–are the main issue.

13. their special interests?

Pidge: computers/robots/programming, conspiracy theories, especially aliens. All sorts of creative things–mechanical projects, crafts, legos, building card towers?? Basically anything where they put stuff together to make other stuff. Pidge is a beast at McGuyvering shit.

[Keith’s SIs answered here]

14. are they open about being autistic or do they prefer to keep it to themselves?

Pidge is open about it with friends. It’s not something they would want classmates or acquaintances knowing about, but they tell the other paladins pretty quickly, and they have it in their About on Tumblr and Twitter.

Keith still isn’t even convinced he is autistic, so Pidge (and a little later, Shiro) are the only ones who know he’s even questioning it.

Mistborn

7. what calms them down?

Steris: The biggest way for her to calm down is to be in control in whatever way she can. That might mean making a schedule, organizing a room, or just researching something related to her current project. Being proactive in general helps–she doesn’t really unwind, per se. She can *be* relaxed, but taking a break for the purposes of stress-relief is counter-productive if she hasn’t already de-stressed to a certain level.

Vin: Physical activity, having a set routine or at least a stable set of rules she can live by. Tactile stims are also good–cuddling with Elend, petting TenSoon, letting her mistcloak drift around her. She finds the mists especially calming because it’s the right combination of control, activity, solitude, and low-level sensory stimulation.

Spook: Being in a social situation without necessarily being expected to interact is very relaxing–he likes to have people around, though for most of the series conversations/remembering social norms is more stressful than it is helpful. He like observing–observing his friends or keeping watch. There’s something soothing about looking out through the mists and listening to background noise (the things that aren’t important enough to focus on).

8. Do they know they’re Autistic? if so when & how did they realise?

Spook and Vin for sure no. I highly doubt the Final Empire has a concept of autism or… anything, really. I feel like Steris is aware that she’s neurodiverse, even if she doesn’t have the words for it (or the same words we do…) I guess it would be the equivalent of self-diagnosed. She realized growing up that she was different and sought out other people (or their writings) who had similar experiences. She’s identified where she struggles and developed coping mechanisms in the interest of control.

11. how do they prefer to communicate? are they non verbal/have periods of being non verbal? do they use sign language? do they talk? do they prefer text, etc?

Vin doesn’t have any specific communication issues as far as forms of communication. She is reluctant to share things about herself, and she struggles with code-switching (living on the streets vs. joining a crew vs. mingling with the nobility), and is cautious with her words when she doesn’t feel safe, but it’s not because of a specific difficulty with verbal communication.

Spook has occasional nonverbal episodes–which were much more pronounced when he had the added anxiety of only speaking Eastern Street Slang. He doesn’t pick up languages quickly, and he has a considerable amount of social anxiety centered on the way he talks, which provoked quite a few nonverbal episodes early on in his time with Kelsier’s crew. They diminished as he learned the language. Social anxiety plus his sensitive hearing (tin + autistic sensory issues = augh son your poor ears) means that I imagine Spook having a tendency toward sign language.

Steris, like Vin, doesn’t have specific problems with verbal communication, but she does find written communication to be more precise than spoken word. Speaking is more convenient, so it’s her default, but she very much enjoys writing letters.

12. Is there any senses they struggle with particularly? (hearing, taste, etc)

I don’t see Vin having any particular sensory issues. She’s pretty adaptable, so when she does have issues it’s because something’s new and she’s hyperaware of it–i.e. longer hair, formal gowns, ect. Mostly tactile issues when it’s anything.

Spook. (Spoooook.) Okay, full disclosure: blame Hero of Ages for this, but I headcanon Spook having a lot of sensory issues even before he snapped. He’s big on control and focus because he has to be. Tin is useless to him if he can’t learn to block things out because it’s so easy to push him into overload. And most of the time he’s fine. Unless he’s low on spoons–then things get iffy. Sound is particularly bad, and bright lights.

I think a lot of Steris’s sensory issues are food-related. Nothing is particularly bad, so she mostly just deals with sensory stuff, but she has strong preferences regarding taste and texture, so she likes to be in charge of the menu as much as possible.

13. their special interests?

Vin: Vin has been so focused on survival for so long that she doesn’t have special interests in a traditional sense, but she does get hyperfocused on things–learning the rules of her current surroundings, learning how to use metals, fighting, ect. She goes all-out and gets obsessed with things once she’s put her mind to learning them. The mysteries surrounding the mist spirit and the Well of Ascension were sort of SIs in their own right (though, again, partially born of necessity.)

Spook: people. He spends so much time observing that he tends to develop special interests for people or places. That slum down the block from the safehouse where he knows everyone’s name and who just had a baby and what the current biggest threats are. That noble family he’s supposed to be watching and their staff and their schedule. Vin was a special interest when she first arrived, and that flared into a crush briefly before the hyperfocus eased and their relationship became more natural.

Steris: Politics is the biggest. She knows everything because of long, intense study. Who’s who, the major rivalries and alliances, expectations and common missteps. How to say what she wants without saying it outright. This extends into history and law a little bit, but it’s very much focused on the interactions between the major Houses and other players.

14. are they open about being autistic or do they prefer to keep it to themselves?

Doesn’t really apply because I don’t think Scadrial really has a concept of autism yet (especially in the original trilogy era). Steris is pretty much “This is who I am, deal with it.”